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Downloaded from
YTS.MX

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‪NETFLIX 喜剧特辑

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Official YIFY movies site:
YTS.MX

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‪（大码怪美人）

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‪我想我该上节目了

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‪女士们、先生们

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‪有请妮可拜耳！

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‪妮可·拜耳：大码怪美人

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‪嗨

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‪非常感谢大家来到现场

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‪太难得了 我不是在做梦吧？

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‪这次来到纽约做节目

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‪我的心情特别激动！

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‪因为这个城市
‪是我的喜剧生涯开始的地方

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‪也是在这个城市 我掉了一块披萨

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‪奶酪的那一面朝下…

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‪然后又把它吃了！

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‪也是在这个城市
‪我上了一个出租车司机

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‪然后另一个人给我指交

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‪好啦

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‪我知道大家伙儿对新冠病毒疫情

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‪都腻烦透了

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‪不过今天我仍然想聊一下这个话题

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‪因为它浪费了我一年时间 好吗？

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‪我想 爸爸们在“小疫疫”期间

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‪日子应该挺难过的

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‪我叫它“小疫疫” 好让这个话题
‪变得轻松和小清新一些

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‪不过爸爸们在2020年的日子

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‪的确不好过

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‪因为既然你们哪都去不了
‪自然没有什么理由缺席家长会

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‪在座的爸爸们对此肯定深有感触

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‪此外 我觉得
‪他们戴口罩的目的也不对

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‪他们说：“快戴上口罩
‪现在戴口罩就是救人命”

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‪不 我们都是自私鬼

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‪他们应该这样说
‪“如果你觉得自己很漂亮

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‪那就戴上口罩吧

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‪只有漂亮的人才戴口罩！

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‪如果你是翘臀美女

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‪就戴口罩吧！”

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‪因为只有丑八怪

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‪才不愿意戴口罩

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‪对

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‪他们问：“我的公民自由呢？”

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‪我说：“但你明明长了一张
‪‘公民不服从’的脸啊 好吧？”

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‪疫情期间

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‪我开车去参加了猫的葬礼

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‪没开玩笑

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‪我真的去参加了猫的葬礼

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‪我朋友玛西的小黑猫布不幸去世

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‪所以我们的一个朋友
‪给所有朋友发邮件说

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‪“嘿 我们开车经过
‪她家门口去哭丧吧”

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‪于是我们就这样了

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‪我们开车以8米时速的样子
‪从她家门口经过

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‪“节哀呀！”

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‪然后她大哭起来 我心想

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‪“你是因为伤心还是尴尬呀？”

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‪可是这种问题不好问出口

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‪不久后 我们录制了播客

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‪节目围绕《到美国结婚去》展开

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‪淡定

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‪有六个听众知道

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‪好啦 现场所有人
‪你们一定要去收听 好吧？

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‪这个节目的电视收视率非常高

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‪于是我们就录制了播客
‪节目名叫《90天宝贝》

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‪在Patreon平台上推出
‪请大家收听我们的节目

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‪我们用Zoom

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‪在座的各位知道Zoom是什么吗？

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‪你们用Zoom吗？

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‪大家知道Zoom是什么吗？

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‪Zoom是什么鬼？

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‪“zoom”的定义是
‪快速移动到哪里？我的客厅？

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‪所以…

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‪我们在Zoom上聊这些神经病

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‪突然 这只小黑猫在她身后蹦蹦跳跳

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‪我心想

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‪“天哪

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‪天哪 我得告诉朋友

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‪当她转过身后

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‪她死去的猫的鬼魂

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‪在她身后玩得不亦乐乎呢

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‪我得告诉朋友

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‪她家闹鬼了”

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‪然后我开始大哭 泪流满面

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‪玛西就问：“你搞什么？”

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‪我说：“玛西

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‪在你转过身后

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‪我看到你死去的猫的鬼魂了”

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‪玛西说：“妮可

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‪我又养了一只猫”

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‪你总得打声招呼吧 对不对？

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‪我把这事告诉了我的心理医生

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‪她还笑我

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‪我心想：“一 我付你很多钱

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‪二 这是2020年

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‪前脚有杀人大黄蜂
‪说不定猫咪鬼魂后脚就来了呢？”

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‪在座的有黑人同胞吗？

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‪对！

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‪那个前排的女孩！

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‪没错！罗莎代表我们全家来现场！

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‪而不仅限于公交车

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‪能不能…

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‪能问你们一个问题吗？

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‪好

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‪在去年夏天
‪“黑人的命也是命”抗议活动的高潮

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‪我并不认识你们

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‪但是我朝他们眨眼睛

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‪招手、微笑、踢腿的
‪每一个白人朋友都给我发了短信

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‪我听见很多白人在笑
‪他们心想：“对 我发了”

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‪但是

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‪他们给你们发短信了吗？

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‪对 短信是不是这样写的

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‪“如果有任何事情可以为你效劳

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‪请告诉我”

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‪对 你们白人是怎么回事？

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‪搞什么？

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‪我不需要知道
‪我是你们唯一的黑人朋友

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‪你们自己知道这件事就好了嘛

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‪另外 我不需要任何帮助
‪我活得好好的

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‪可是…

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‪我刚才说什么来着？

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‪我感觉自己被深深地冒犯了

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‪那些和我上过床的

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‪白人老兄

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‪他们没有一个人给我发短信

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‪我心想：“有没有搞错？”

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‪难道只有正在跟你们上床的
‪黑人的命才是命吗？

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‪太离谱了吧 白种人！

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‪太离谱了！

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‪把你们的白人负疚感
‪打包邮寄给你们！

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‪还记得吗？大选之前我们还以为

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‪邮局会倒闭呢

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‪这一年真是衰到家了！

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‪所有人都说

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‪“买什么讨厌的邮票？
‪我们现在用Zoom！”

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‪不过我喜欢和白种男做爱

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‪我喜欢和他们狠狠做爱

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‪做到让他们的老祖宗哭

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‪我又想到一个梗

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‪我喜欢和白种男做爱

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‪超爱

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‪不过我必须当心

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‪因为我喜欢粗暴的性爱

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‪千万不能把捆绑方式搞错了

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‪又有一个！

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‪天哪 我好喜欢和白种男做爱

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‪超爱！

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‪我喜欢那种“身怀特权”的感觉

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‪开玩笑啦

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‪我不仅和白种男做爱

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‪在这件事上我不挑肤色

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‪不过我很急色

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‪去年真是到了非常严重的程度
‪非常糟糕

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‪亮起了红灯

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‪我想尽办法确保做爱时候的安全

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‪我心想：“噢 我要让他们戴口罩

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‪不行 这样就不好玩了
‪一点都不性感”

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‪我转念又想
‪“噢 我去找熟人就行了嘛”

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‪于是我开始翻名片夹
‪我的炮友名录 然后…

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‪我看到这位老兄 好耶

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‪我就给他发短信
‪他是我在交友软件上认识的

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‪也算是朋友吧 我就给他发短信

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‪我说：“嘿 你想和我
‪在‘寻欢洞’幽会吗？”

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‪他说：“不想”

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‪然后他接着说：“我有女朋友了

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‪你愿意上我的播客吗？”

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‪这第二句话

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‪比第一句更伤人

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‪等等 在座的各位知道
‪“寻欢洞”是什么吗？

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00:10:49,775 --> 00:10:52,027
‪我感觉有些人比较害羞

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‪别回避 我来告诉你们

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‪好吧 传统的“寻欢洞”

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‪也可以称之为经典款

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‪它是一堵墙 中间掏个洞

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‪然后你把老二放进去
‪就像参议员那样

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‪然后…

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‪有一个超帅的花美男在另一边

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‪他差不多长得像你这样

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‪然后

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‪他们跪在另一边 就像这样

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‪“嗯

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‪我的肚子饱了”

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‪这就是“寻欢洞”了

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‪然后

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‪我有上网搜索“女性的寻欢洞”

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‪因为这是大老爷们儿才会做的事吧

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‪我心想：“哪里有女性的寻欢洞？”

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‪纽约有没有女性的寻欢洞呢？

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‪也许吧

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‪我并没有说有 好吧？

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‪真的 我上网搜索了很多次

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‪我的联调局特工心想
‪“她没事吧？”

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‪不 我有事

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‪我很不好 我欲火中烧

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‪刚才的“寻欢洞”深夜广告多好啊

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‪介绍女性的“寻欢洞”！

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00:12:14,025 --> 00:12:18,072
‪可是我在美国却怎么都找不到

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‪但我在德国真的找到了“寻欢洞”！

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00:12:22,117 --> 00:12:24,787
‪于是我就去那里度假！

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‪德国的玩法是

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‪一个女士躺在桌上

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‪有一堵墙把她的身体分隔成两半

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‪然后她的私处完全裸露

203
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‪我满脑子都在想

204
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‪“万一没人选我可怎么办？

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‪万一没感觉到有人
‪对着我又啜又吸的可怎么办？

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00:12:55,275 --> 00:12:59,028
‪万一我只感觉风吹拂过
‪我裸露的私处 那可怎么办？”

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‪我还没准备好
‪接受这种程度的拒绝 好吧？

208
00:13:07,747 --> 00:13:09,998
‪我在“小疫疫”期间还明白了一件事

209
00:13:10,082 --> 00:13:13,793
‪你可以网购一瓶酸奶油沙拉酱
‪并要求送货上门

210
00:13:15,462 --> 00:13:17,882
‪不过这要花你20美元

211
00:13:19,132 --> 00:13:22,343
‪所以我吃素 谢谢

212
00:13:22,427 --> 00:13:25,222
‪谢谢 她是英雄
‪这是我必须承受的宿命

213
00:13:25,305 --> 00:13:26,390
‪谢谢

214
00:13:26,473 --> 00:13:28,225
‪于是我做了一些纯素

215
00:13:28,308 --> 00:13:30,185
‪鸡块 我要吃鸡块

216
00:13:30,268 --> 00:13:31,395
‪纯素鸡块

217
00:13:31,603 --> 00:13:32,647
‪怎么…

218
00:13:34,398 --> 00:13:36,900
‪为什么英文里的纯素词汇
‪都包含“K”和撇号？

219
00:13:36,983 --> 00:13:38,693
‪它们显然不属于这里

220
00:13:39,862 --> 00:13:41,072
‪它们心想：“是鸡肉 不是鸡肉

221
00:13:41,197 --> 00:13:42,197
‪是鸡肉”

222
00:13:42,280 --> 00:13:43,198
‪所以…

223
00:13:45,242 --> 00:13:47,202
‪我做的是纯素鸡块

224
00:13:47,285 --> 00:13:49,162
‪我吃素 对

225
00:13:49,247 --> 00:13:51,207
‪事先声明 我是纯素主义者 好吗？

226
00:13:51,290 --> 00:13:52,625
‪只吃鸡蛋

227
00:13:53,000 --> 00:13:54,042
‪嗯…

228
00:13:54,335 --> 00:13:55,962
‪偶尔吃卡夫沙拉酱

229
00:13:56,045 --> 00:13:57,295
‪偶尔来一两根肋骨

230
00:13:57,378 --> 00:13:59,507
‪好吧 也许我不是纯素主义者

231
00:13:59,590 --> 00:14:00,925
‪不过问题的关键是

232
00:14:01,008 --> 00:14:03,010
‪我自认为是纯素主义者

233
00:14:03,843 --> 00:14:04,845
‪好吧？

234
00:14:04,928 --> 00:14:07,472
‪我是吃素的蕾切尔多尔扎尔

235
00:14:07,557 --> 00:14:08,598
‪好吗？

236
00:14:12,812 --> 00:14:15,063
‪所以我做了纯素鸡块

237
00:14:15,147 --> 00:14:17,023
‪我想蘸沙拉酱吃

238
00:14:17,107 --> 00:14:19,860
‪于是我打开外卖平台下单购买沙拉酱

239
00:14:19,943 --> 00:14:22,112
‪然后等着送货上门

240
00:14:22,195 --> 00:14:23,280
‪叮咚 沙拉酱到了

241
00:14:23,363 --> 00:14:24,698
‪我打开门

242
00:14:24,782 --> 00:14:27,158
‪只有光秃秃的一瓶沙拉酱在那里

243
00:14:32,247 --> 00:14:34,375
‪没有包装袋 什么都没有

244
00:14:36,793 --> 00:14:41,132
‪我花了20块钱 你至少该给个袋子

245
00:14:41,215 --> 00:14:43,133
‪或者让我爽一下吧

246
00:14:44,635 --> 00:14:47,095
‪想象一下有一个瓶子
‪上面写道：“不给小费就挠痒痒”

247
00:14:50,182 --> 00:14:52,100
‪我忍不住想

248
00:14:52,183 --> 00:14:54,520
‪外卖小哥看到这个会是什么感受

249
00:14:54,603 --> 00:14:56,563
‪他们在“小疫疫”期间也辛苦工作

250
00:14:56,647 --> 00:14:58,898
‪他们心想
‪“我在为人们送生活必需品

251
00:14:58,982 --> 00:15:00,943
‪我的工作多么神圣

252
00:15:02,443 --> 00:15:05,072
‪区区一瓶沙拉酱？

253
00:15:08,158 --> 00:15:10,077
‪这个女人要我冒着生命危险

254
00:15:10,160 --> 00:15:11,412
‪给她送调味酱？

255
00:15:13,455 --> 00:15:15,623
‪不行 不能给她袋子 不可能

256
00:15:15,707 --> 00:15:16,958
‪不行

257
00:15:17,042 --> 00:15:20,378
‪什么？让她的邻居以为
‪她订购的是生活必需品？

258
00:15:20,462 --> 00:15:22,255
‪不可能！

259
00:15:22,338 --> 00:15:23,548
‪臭女人！”

260
00:15:29,347 --> 00:15:31,265
‪2020年的年底

261
00:15:31,348 --> 00:15:33,892
‪我扭伤了脚踝

262
00:15:33,975 --> 00:15:36,978
‪对 因为上帝说
‪“我的孩子 去死吧”

263
00:15:41,233 --> 00:15:45,612
‪我扭伤了脚踝 我从楼梯上摔了下来

264
00:15:46,572 --> 00:15:49,700
‪因为我迫不及待地想出门

265
00:15:51,577 --> 00:15:54,788
‪然后我不得不去了格伦代尔纪念医院

266
00:15:54,872 --> 00:15:58,375
‪你如果住在大洛杉矶地区

267
00:15:58,458 --> 00:16:00,377
‪听我一句劝
‪千万别去这家医院 好吗？

268
00:16:01,712 --> 00:16:03,463
‪那里给我的体验很不好

269
00:16:04,632 --> 00:16:06,342
‪老实说 非常差劲

270
00:16:06,425 --> 00:16:09,345
‪一个护士想偷我的内裤

271
00:16:10,887 --> 00:16:12,638
‪这个事情等会儿再说 首先

272
00:16:14,975 --> 00:16:18,520
‪我坐救护车走保险

273
00:16:18,603 --> 00:16:20,688
‪一共花了700美元！

274
00:16:20,772 --> 00:16:22,565
‪没人给我一口水喝

275
00:16:22,648 --> 00:16:26,778
‪我心想：“这是我经历过
‪最糟糕的优步服务”

276
00:16:26,862 --> 00:16:29,698
‪天哪 而且这家医院

277
00:16:29,782 --> 00:16:31,783
‪从我家客厅拿了个枕头

278
00:16:31,867 --> 00:16:33,993
‪来给我垫腿

279
00:16:40,417 --> 00:16:42,920
‪不断有人从我旁边走过
‪他们说：“塔吉特”

280
00:16:43,212 --> 00:16:44,505
‪我说：“不 人类

281
00:16:44,630 --> 00:16:45,922
‪我感觉很好”

282
00:16:51,928 --> 00:16:56,642
‪而且他们用七个男人
‪把我从家里抬出来

283
00:16:56,725 --> 00:16:58,685
‪我心想：“我是应该感到难为情呢

284
00:16:58,768 --> 00:17:01,230
‪还是应该和他们来个群交呢？”

285
00:17:02,857 --> 00:17:04,525
‪不过我一点也不开心

286
00:17:04,608 --> 00:17:06,985
‪也没有什么群交

287
00:17:07,068 --> 00:17:09,112
‪到了医院 我说

288
00:17:09,195 --> 00:17:11,573
‪“打扰一下 能给我一点止疼药吗？

289
00:17:11,657 --> 00:17:13,658
‪我感觉很不好”

290
00:17:13,742 --> 00:17:15,368
‪然后护士说：“好的”

291
00:17:15,452 --> 00:17:18,455
‪他给我挂上点滴开始输液

292
00:17:18,538 --> 00:17:20,623
‪然后我心想：“好耶 她还活着”

293
00:17:20,707 --> 00:17:23,002
‪但我转念一想
‪“不对 我还在那里躺着”

294
00:17:23,085 --> 00:17:24,462
‪那到底是什么东西？

295
00:17:24,545 --> 00:17:26,003
‪然后他说那是安慰剂

296
00:17:26,088 --> 00:17:27,965
‪只是注射的生理盐水

297
00:17:28,048 --> 00:17:30,967
‪我说：“先生 我的脚踝好像骨折了

298
00:17:31,050 --> 00:17:33,845
‪你最好给我用点真东西”

299
00:17:33,928 --> 00:17:35,472
‪不晓得大家知不知道

300
00:17:35,597 --> 00:17:38,017
‪和白人比起来 医院很少

301
00:17:38,100 --> 00:17:39,935
‪给黑人和棕色人种开阿片类药物

302
00:17:40,018 --> 00:17:42,897
‪所以白人对海洛因的上瘾率更高

303
00:17:42,980 --> 00:17:45,273
‪于是我心想：“嗯？

304
00:17:45,357 --> 00:17:47,902
‪种族歧视偶尔也有好处？”

305
00:17:53,948 --> 00:17:58,870
‪这还帮黑人和棕色人种
‪避开了阿片类药物危机呢

306
00:17:58,953 --> 00:18:02,457
‪说回那个想偷我内裤的护士

307
00:18:06,587 --> 00:18:08,880
‪我躺在病床上 我说

308
00:18:08,963 --> 00:18:10,632
‪“打扰一下 我想尿尿”

309
00:18:10,715 --> 00:18:13,635
‪他回答说：“不行 你不能走路”

310
00:18:17,180 --> 00:18:21,100
‪我说：“医院里不能走路的人那么多

311
00:18:21,185 --> 00:18:22,352
‪他们是怎么小便的？”

312
00:18:22,435 --> 00:18:24,730
‪他说：“我去叫珍妮过来”

313
00:18:24,813 --> 00:18:27,732
‪我说：“珍妮是谁？”

314
00:18:27,817 --> 00:18:29,442
‪她是什么人？小便耳语者？

315
00:18:29,527 --> 00:18:30,818
‪这到底是怎么回事？

316
00:18:30,902 --> 00:18:34,030
‪然后珍妮过来了
‪我来模仿一下她的语调 她说

317
00:18:34,113 --> 00:18:36,867
‪“糟了！

318
00:18:36,950 --> 00:18:39,035
‪你想嘘嘘了”

319
00:18:46,293 --> 00:18:48,045
‪我说：“是的 珍妮

320
00:18:48,128 --> 00:18:50,088
‪我必须去嘘嘘”

321
00:18:51,130 --> 00:18:53,342
‪然后她开始给我讲解一台机器怎么用

322
00:18:53,425 --> 00:18:55,468
‪她说：“好的 这是一个罐子

323
00:18:55,552 --> 00:18:56,803
‪这是一根软管

324
00:18:56,887 --> 00:18:58,888
‪把它架好 然后把这个小东西

325
00:18:58,972 --> 00:19:00,682
‪放进你的‘妹妹’里”

326
00:19:00,765 --> 00:19:02,392
‪我一脸懵：“妹妹？”

327
00:19:03,435 --> 00:19:04,645
‪妹妹？

328
00:19:04,728 --> 00:19:06,563
‪请使用医学术语：“阴道”

329
00:19:09,357 --> 00:19:10,983
‪这是做什么？成熟点

330
00:19:11,067 --> 00:19:12,068
‪于是

331
00:19:12,693 --> 00:19:14,655
‪我把它放进我的“妹妹”

332
00:19:14,738 --> 00:19:16,155
‪然后珍妮说

333
00:19:16,240 --> 00:19:19,117
‪“好了 来吧！”

334
00:19:21,118 --> 00:19:23,038
‪于是我就开始尿

335
00:19:23,122 --> 00:19:26,250
‪我的身下湿了一片

336
00:19:27,417 --> 00:19:29,460
‪我看着珍妮 说

337
00:19:29,545 --> 00:19:31,170
‪“我觉得不管用”

338
00:19:33,007 --> 00:19:34,048
‪然后珍妮说

339
00:19:34,132 --> 00:19:37,093
‪“糟了

340
00:19:37,177 --> 00:19:39,428
‪我们得把你清理干净！”

341
00:19:39,512 --> 00:19:43,517
‪然后珍妮开始帮我清理
‪好像我是个巨婴一样

342
00:19:43,600 --> 00:19:46,060
‪她唱道：“右边屁股擦擦

343
00:19:46,143 --> 00:19:47,353
‪左边屁股擦擦

344
00:19:47,478 --> 00:19:48,772
‪股沟里面擦擦

345
00:19:48,855 --> 00:19:49,898
‪你的屁屁真可爱”

346
00:19:57,863 --> 00:19:59,783
‪她没有用唱的

347
00:19:59,867 --> 00:20:03,287
‪只是哼哼 不过我觉得那样更变态

348
00:20:03,370 --> 00:20:04,955
‪等清理完了 她说

349
00:20:05,038 --> 00:20:07,498
‪“我们得把你的裤裤脱掉
‪都湿透了”

350
00:20:08,083 --> 00:20:09,627
‪我说：“珍妮 没湿

351
00:20:09,710 --> 00:20:10,668
‪我刚才把它褪得很低”

352
00:20:10,752 --> 00:20:12,378
‪她说：“快脱下来”

353
00:20:12,462 --> 00:20:14,047
‪我说：“不要啊 拜托不要”

354
00:20:14,130 --> 00:20:15,673
‪她说：“快脱” 我说：“不要啊”

355
00:20:15,757 --> 00:20:18,177
‪我们两人拉着我的内裤玩拔河

356
00:20:18,260 --> 00:20:20,803
‪直到我忍无可忍
‪“珍妮 该死的 它没湿！”

357
00:20:20,887 --> 00:20:22,263
‪然后珍妮说…

358
00:20:23,182 --> 00:20:24,473
‪然后…

359
00:20:36,737 --> 00:20:39,155
‪然后我还是

360
00:20:39,238 --> 00:20:41,325
‪在该死的病床上躺着

361
00:20:41,408 --> 00:20:42,742
‪我在那躺了很久

362
00:20:42,825 --> 00:20:44,493
‪足足待了八小时

363
00:20:44,577 --> 00:20:46,788
‪打卡上班 又打卡下班 然后…

364
00:20:48,290 --> 00:20:50,375
‪我又看向那个护士 我说

365
00:20:50,458 --> 00:20:51,793
‪“打扰一下

366
00:20:51,877 --> 00:20:54,212
‪我又想尿尿了”

367
00:20:54,295 --> 00:20:57,590
‪他说：“我去叫珍妮过来”

368
00:20:57,673 --> 00:20:59,843
‪我说：“对 叫珍妮过来”

369
00:21:04,973 --> 00:21:07,017
‪于是珍妮又回来了 她说

370
00:21:07,100 --> 00:21:09,102
‪“还来？”

371
00:21:10,312 --> 00:21:12,982
‪我说：“是的 又是你这个
‪该死的天线宝宝”

372
00:21:16,610 --> 00:21:17,818
‪于是我们又重复了一遍前面的操作

373
00:21:17,902 --> 00:21:19,112
‪我把那东西放入我的“妹妹”

374
00:21:19,445 --> 00:21:20,613
‪唯一的不同是

375
00:21:20,697 --> 00:21:23,075
‪那个护士这次没有离开病房

376
00:21:23,158 --> 00:21:24,325
‪珍妮说

377
00:21:24,408 --> 00:21:26,828
‪“好了 来吧！”

378
00:21:26,912 --> 00:21:29,038
‪还没等我开始尿 另一个护士说

379
00:21:29,122 --> 00:21:31,417
‪“等等 珍妮 你没有打开机器”

380
00:21:39,883 --> 00:21:42,177
‪你们有没有觉得

381
00:21:42,260 --> 00:21:45,263
‪珍妮的癖好很特别？

382
00:21:52,520 --> 00:21:56,442
‪她千辛万苦从护士学校毕业

383
00:21:56,525 --> 00:21:58,902
‪在医院找了份工作

384
00:21:58,985 --> 00:22:01,780
‪然后手指交叉祈祷
‪“千万别出什么岔子

385
00:22:01,863 --> 00:22:04,073
‪我要帮这个黑肥妞收拾烂摊子

386
00:22:04,157 --> 00:22:06,535
‪把我的口袋装满小裤裤”

387
00:22:17,503 --> 00:22:18,713
‪那一声笑

388
00:22:21,215 --> 00:22:24,762
‪我有很多时间可以在家养病

389
00:22:24,845 --> 00:22:26,972
‪我看了很多电视节目

390
00:22:27,055 --> 00:22:29,057
‪消化里面的内容

391
00:22:29,140 --> 00:22:32,060
‪我看了一部关于三K党的纪录片

392
00:22:32,143 --> 00:22:34,687
‪《美丽的星期二 轻松又惬意》

393
00:22:36,188 --> 00:22:38,900
‪我正看着 电视里的男人说

394
00:22:38,983 --> 00:22:40,527
‪“我是大巫师”

395
00:22:40,610 --> 00:22:42,112
‪我心想：“搞什么？”

396
00:22:43,197 --> 00:22:44,447
‪然后他朋友说

397
00:22:44,530 --> 00:22:46,115
‪“我是一条巨龙”

398
00:22:46,198 --> 00:22:47,283
‪我说：“嘿

399
00:22:47,992 --> 00:22:50,078
‪这有点像《哈利波特》里面的情节”

400
00:22:51,287 --> 00:22:53,665
‪于是我做了一些调查性报道

401
00:22:53,748 --> 00:22:55,000
‪然后把它公之于众

402
00:22:55,083 --> 00:22:57,585
‪我查看维基百科…

403
00:22:59,462 --> 00:23:01,715
‪你们听我说

404
00:23:01,798 --> 00:23:03,883
‪我觉得哈利波特的原型

405
00:23:03,967 --> 00:23:06,928
‪就是三K党

406
00:23:10,182 --> 00:23:12,767
‪随我一起了解一下吧！

407
00:23:18,063 --> 00:23:20,900
‪三K党里面有大巫师

408
00:23:20,983 --> 00:23:21,985
‪哈利是什么？

409
00:23:22,068 --> 00:23:23,903
‪大巫师啊

410
00:23:23,987 --> 00:23:25,780
‪三K党成员穿连帽斗篷

411
00:23:25,863 --> 00:23:27,365
‪霍格沃兹学校里面的人穿什么呢？

412
00:23:27,448 --> 00:23:28,825
‪连帽斗篷

413
00:23:28,908 --> 00:23:32,453
‪三K党里有“夜鹰”和“大土耳其”

414
00:23:32,537 --> 00:23:36,332
‪我心想：“这不就是
‪禁林里面的东西吗？”

415
00:23:36,415 --> 00:23:38,793
‪三K党的大前提…“前提”

416
00:23:40,420 --> 00:23:41,588
‪什么？

417
00:23:42,922 --> 00:23:45,550
‪不对 应该说三K党这整件事…

418
00:23:50,680 --> 00:23:54,142
‪它的目的是把白人和黑人区分开

419
00:23:54,225 --> 00:23:56,435
‪而哈利波特的大前提是

420
00:23:56,520 --> 00:24:00,232
‪把魔法界和非魔法界的人区分开

421
00:24:00,315 --> 00:24:01,900
‪所以…

422
00:24:01,983 --> 00:24:04,610
‪按照我的逻辑

423
00:24:04,693 --> 00:24:06,320
‪这个尚待查证 好吧？

424
00:24:06,403 --> 00:24:08,365
‪非魔法界的人

425
00:24:08,448 --> 00:24:09,698
‪代表黑人

426
00:24:09,782 --> 00:24:11,743
‪书上管他们叫“麻瓜”

427
00:24:11,827 --> 00:24:13,662
‪对他们还有一种蔑称 叫“泥巴种”

428
00:24:13,745 --> 00:24:16,413
‪他们其实相当于
‪魔法世界里的“黑鬼”

429
00:24:16,498 --> 00:24:18,708
‪而且霍格沃兹学校
‪也开设麻瓜研究课程

430
00:24:18,792 --> 00:24:20,460
‪我心想：“咦？

431
00:24:20,543 --> 00:24:22,712
‪这不就是‘黑人历史月’吗？”

432
00:24:24,505 --> 00:24:27,300
‪说真的 我觉得JKKKK罗琳

433
00:24:35,683 --> 00:24:37,727
‪当初应该是坐在咖啡馆里

434
00:24:37,810 --> 00:24:40,563
‪从写作和憎恨变性者的情绪里抽身
‪稍微休息一下

435
00:24:40,647 --> 00:24:42,523
‪然后…

436
00:24:43,942 --> 00:24:45,360
‪这是一份全职工作

437
00:24:45,443 --> 00:24:47,237
‪然后

438
00:24:47,320 --> 00:24:49,113
‪她浏览着互联网

439
00:24:49,197 --> 00:24:50,323
‪然后突发奇想：“噢 三K党

440
00:24:50,407 --> 00:24:54,327
‪这也太可怕了吧

441
00:24:54,410 --> 00:24:58,748
‪不过 也真够异想天开！”

442
00:24:59,958 --> 00:25:02,918
‪大家想想 哈利是一半麻瓜一半巫师

443
00:25:03,002 --> 00:25:04,670
‪他是混血 赫敏是麻瓜

444
00:25:04,753 --> 00:25:06,840
‪是黑人 罗恩是巫师 是白人

445
00:25:06,923 --> 00:25:08,550
‪仔细想想

446
00:25:08,633 --> 00:25:10,635
‪哈利波特其实讲了
‪一个混血男孩的故事

447
00:25:10,718 --> 00:25:12,553
‪他的黑人朋友 以及觉醒的白人朋友

448
00:25:12,637 --> 00:25:16,265
‪他们一起努力推翻
‪魔法世界的种族父权制！

449
00:25:20,770 --> 00:25:22,938
‪我亟需做爱 好吗？

450
00:25:30,947 --> 00:25:32,448
‪自从我们假装“小疫疫”结束后

451
00:25:32,532 --> 00:25:35,077
‪我就经常出差

452
00:25:36,953 --> 00:25:38,037
‪它没有结束

453
00:25:39,288 --> 00:25:41,082
‪我去了宾州

454
00:25:41,165 --> 00:25:43,208
‪咦 呃 噢！

455
00:25:44,210 --> 00:25:45,003
‪噢！

456
00:25:45,087 --> 00:25:47,880
‪简直是一片矩形的垃圾场 真的

457
00:25:50,300 --> 00:25:52,385
‪从费城一路到“屎”兹堡

458
00:25:52,468 --> 00:25:54,137
‪全部丢掉

459
00:25:55,888 --> 00:25:58,850
‪现场观众有人来自宾州吗？

460
00:25:58,933 --> 00:26:00,477
‪无论如何我都支持

461
00:26:02,270 --> 00:26:06,107
‪你逃离了 你离开那里是有道理的

462
00:26:06,190 --> 00:26:10,987
‪我开车穿过这个矩形垃圾场

463
00:26:11,070 --> 00:26:13,323
‪到了白避风港 汽车没油了

464
00:26:13,407 --> 00:26:15,283
‪我真走运

465
00:26:21,080 --> 00:26:23,500
‪一听见我倒霉 你们就笑得特别开心

466
00:26:25,960 --> 00:26:28,045
‪我把车开进一个加油站

467
00:26:28,128 --> 00:26:29,505
‪我从租的车里下来

468
00:26:29,588 --> 00:26:32,925
‪把信用卡插进加油机
‪但它不接受信用卡

469
00:26:33,008 --> 00:26:34,218
‪我暗自咒骂：“什么鬼？”

470
00:26:34,302 --> 00:26:36,428
‪我不得不进店里 我走进去说

471
00:26:36,512 --> 00:26:38,557
‪“嘿 打扰一下 加箱油 谢谢”

472
00:26:41,225 --> 00:26:44,062
‪我不知道怎么买汽油

473
00:26:44,145 --> 00:26:48,190
‪我是新泽西人
‪在那里擅自加油是违法的

474
00:26:48,858 --> 00:26:51,653
‪好吧 确实有点老土

475
00:26:53,405 --> 00:26:56,407
‪在新泽西 我们是汽车的国王和王后

476
00:26:57,575 --> 00:26:59,202
‪我们摇下车窗说

477
00:26:59,285 --> 00:27:01,412
‪“劳驾 最便宜的油 加满”

478
00:27:04,623 --> 00:27:06,710
‪话说回来 我说：“加箱油 谢谢”

479
00:27:07,877 --> 00:27:11,965
‪里面有两个胖子白种男
‪其中一个只有六颗牙齿

480
00:27:13,592 --> 00:27:16,343
‪不知为何 他们带有南方口音

481
00:27:18,680 --> 00:27:20,765
‪我说：“噢 我的天哪

482
00:27:21,557 --> 00:27:23,518
‪我还是走吧”

483
00:27:30,692 --> 00:27:32,027
‪于是我就走了

484
00:27:32,110 --> 00:27:34,903
‪我向我的车走去

485
00:27:34,987 --> 00:27:36,613
‪我真是笨手笨脚的

486
00:27:36,698 --> 00:27:39,325
‪我走下马路牙子时扭伤了脚踝

487
00:27:39,408 --> 00:27:41,160
‪然后我满脑子想的是

488
00:27:41,243 --> 00:27:43,830
‪“黑人就是这么死的”

489
00:27:43,913 --> 00:27:46,040
‪我一瘸一拐地走向我的车

490
00:27:46,123 --> 00:27:48,877
‪一面回头看
‪一面一瘸一拐地走向我的车

491
00:27:48,960 --> 00:27:50,920
‪再回头看

492
00:27:51,003 --> 00:27:53,798
‪不过他们不可能追上来 他们太胖了

493
00:27:53,882 --> 00:27:54,923
‪而且

494
00:27:56,675 --> 00:28:00,263
‪你们觉得他们
‪往窗外看时会怎么想呢？

495
00:28:00,347 --> 00:28:01,765
‪他们会不会想

496
00:28:01,848 --> 00:28:05,185
‪“噢 看那个黑人美女
‪在跳《颤栗》舞”

497
00:28:16,153 --> 00:28:19,323
‪此外 我还去了威斯康辛州阿普尔顿

498
00:28:19,407 --> 00:28:22,743
‪天哪 多可爱的城市名字啊

499
00:28:22,827 --> 00:28:24,912
‪威斯康辛州阿普尔顿

500
00:28:25,080 --> 00:28:26,497
‪然后等你到了那里 它仿佛在对你说

501
00:28:26,580 --> 00:28:28,082
‪“你上当啦 我们是垃圾！”

502
00:28:32,795 --> 00:28:35,757
‪我不想说
‪来看我节目的每个人都很糟糕

503
00:28:35,840 --> 00:28:39,260
‪不过很多人的行为都很恶劣

504
00:28:39,343 --> 00:28:42,888
‪他们好像吃了太多奶酪
‪忘记了如何做人一样

505
00:28:44,140 --> 00:28:47,768
‪我在做节目时
‪遇到一个过生日的白人女性

506
00:28:50,105 --> 00:28:51,773
‪对 你们已经知道了

507
00:28:54,942 --> 00:28:58,153
‪这世上几乎再没有一种生物

508
00:28:58,237 --> 00:29:01,740
‪比过生日的白人女性

509
00:29:01,825 --> 00:29:05,287
‪更喧闹或更强势

510
00:29:05,370 --> 00:29:07,413
‪白人女性可能会偷一个宝宝 然后说

511
00:29:07,497 --> 00:29:09,790
‪“今天是我生日！”

512
00:29:17,590 --> 00:29:19,758
‪从法律上讲 那是她的孩子

513
00:29:26,140 --> 00:29:29,310
‪我遇到的这个过生日的白人女性

514
00:29:29,393 --> 00:29:30,853
‪我们姑且叫她…

515
00:29:30,937 --> 00:29:33,063
‪克丽丝塔吧

516
00:29:33,147 --> 00:29:34,648
‪因为这是她的名字

517
00:29:37,193 --> 00:29:38,402
‪我怎么知道她的名字？

518
00:29:38,487 --> 00:29:41,113
‪她自己在我的节目上说
‪“我是克丽丝塔

519
00:29:41,197 --> 00:29:43,867
‪今天是我生日！”

520
00:29:47,787 --> 00:29:50,373
‪然后我就斥责了她

521
00:29:51,540 --> 00:29:53,042
‪告诉你们一件事

522
00:29:53,125 --> 00:29:56,337
‪克丽丝塔 天哪 她不高兴了

523
00:29:57,505 --> 00:30:02,343
‪因为克丽丝塔进化成了她的究极体

524
00:30:03,427 --> 00:30:06,305
‪过生日的哭泣白人女性

525
00:30:08,390 --> 00:30:12,437
‪过生日的哭泣白人女性
‪就像《宝可梦》世界里的超梦

526
00:30:16,815 --> 00:30:18,818
‪过生日的哭泣白人女性

527
00:30:18,902 --> 00:30:20,110
‪就像灭霸的手套

528
00:30:21,403 --> 00:30:23,197
‪懂我意思吗？

529
00:30:23,280 --> 00:30:27,202
‪过生日的哭泣白人女性是常识的克星

530
00:30:27,285 --> 00:30:28,452
‪好吗？

531
00:30:28,662 --> 00:30:30,413
‪我在酒吧的洗手间

532
00:30:30,497 --> 00:30:32,665
‪看见一个女人在哭
‪旁边围着另外几个女人 她们说

533
00:30:33,082 --> 00:30:35,042
‪“谁来帮帮她 今天是她生日！”

534
00:30:50,182 --> 00:30:52,893
‪我能告诉你们一件事吗？

535
00:30:52,977 --> 00:30:56,147
‪看着克丽丝塔哭 我心里暗爽

536
00:31:01,818 --> 00:31:06,073
‪我心想：“今天是我生日吗？”

537
00:31:06,157 --> 00:31:10,202
‪因为我吸取了白人女性的力量和能量

538
00:31:10,287 --> 00:31:12,205
‪看着她哭 我心想

539
00:31:19,545 --> 00:31:22,382
‪“我是《女巫也疯狂》里的
‪贝特米德勒 好吧？

540
00:31:27,303 --> 00:31:30,848
‪我一直在吸取能量
‪于是我也进化成了我的究极体

541
00:31:30,932 --> 00:31:34,393
‪一个毫不做作的黑人女性
‪不在乎你是不是在哭

542
00:31:34,477 --> 00:31:36,062
‪或者今天是不是你生日”

543
00:31:39,273 --> 00:31:42,360
‪很抱歉 我不在乎！

544
00:31:43,027 --> 00:31:46,488
‪因为如果每当不顺心我就哭

545
00:31:46,572 --> 00:31:48,532
‪我会变成一个行走的游泳池

546
00:31:48,617 --> 00:31:50,868
‪我不能把这顶假发弄湿 它好贵的

547
00:31:51,995 --> 00:31:52,995
‪其实是免费的啦

548
00:31:53,078 --> 00:31:54,122
‪我…

549
00:31:57,292 --> 00:31:59,252
‪我看了很多

550
00:31:59,335 --> 00:32:01,795
‪《疯狂凯伦》视频

551
00:32:02,505 --> 00:32:04,173
‪你们都看了吗？

552
00:32:05,425 --> 00:32:08,427
‪我的天哪 她们太疯狂了

553
00:32:08,510 --> 00:32:10,095
‪我喜欢

554
00:32:10,178 --> 00:32:12,848
‪看的时候 我常常想

555
00:32:12,932 --> 00:32:15,893
‪谁会在家等你呢？

556
00:32:16,560 --> 00:32:19,772
‪谁会爱上你这种人呢？

557
00:32:19,855 --> 00:32:20,898
‪真的

558
00:32:20,982 --> 00:32:23,233
‪你的孩子会不会坐在沙发上

559
00:32:23,317 --> 00:32:25,277
‪翻看照片墙 突然惊呼

560
00:32:25,362 --> 00:32:26,903
‪“妈妈！”

561
00:32:28,155 --> 00:32:30,575
‪你穿着同一件衣服回家 他大惊

562
00:32:30,658 --> 00:32:33,327
‪“你是刚从仇恨犯罪现场回来吗？”

563
00:32:41,002 --> 00:32:44,755
‪如果你的另一半是那副样子
‪你会跟她说什么？

564
00:32:44,838 --> 00:32:47,800
‪你会不会等到夜幕降临把她吃掉？

565
00:32:47,883 --> 00:32:48,968
‪不会啦 开个玩笑

566
00:32:49,843 --> 00:32:51,470
‪没人吃这些女人

567
00:32:51,553 --> 00:32:54,057
‪没人！

568
00:32:54,140 --> 00:32:57,893
‪否则她们就
‪不会在公共场合大喊大叫了

569
00:32:57,977 --> 00:33:02,148
‪这还挺讽刺的 我自己
‪就在大庭广众下对你们大喊大叫

570
00:33:02,232 --> 00:33:04,275
‪更应该被吃掉的人是我

571
00:33:05,735 --> 00:33:07,570
‪不过 我在看视频时

572
00:33:07,653 --> 00:33:11,198
‪发现凯伦的情绪只有三级模式

573
00:33:11,282 --> 00:33:14,493
‪第一级 她生气了 她说：“对

574
00:33:14,577 --> 00:33:18,330
‪我让那个棕色皮肤的女人
‪滚回她的棕色国家

575
00:33:18,413 --> 00:33:19,332
‪那又怎样？”

576
00:33:25,547 --> 00:33:27,048
‪第二级 她的生气程度稍微提高

577
00:33:27,132 --> 00:33:28,173
‪她说：“对

578
00:33:28,257 --> 00:33:31,385
‪我让那个棕色女人滚回她的棕色国家

579
00:33:31,760 --> 00:33:34,388
‪而且我觉得她在商店偷东西
‪因为我看见她眼光闪烁

580
00:33:34,930 --> 00:33:36,598
‪不 我不在这里工作

581
00:33:36,682 --> 00:33:38,558
‪不 我从没来这里购物过

582
00:33:38,642 --> 00:33:40,143
‪还有 这些凯西商品打折吗？”

583
00:33:45,190 --> 00:33:48,027
‪第三级 我管它叫“究极体凯伦”

584
00:33:48,737 --> 00:33:50,613
‪她在一个杂货店里

585
00:33:52,282 --> 00:33:54,658
‪一边把购物车里的东西往外扔

586
00:33:54,742 --> 00:33:57,578
‪一边说：“对 我让那个棕色女人
‪滚回她的棕色国家

587
00:33:57,662 --> 00:33:59,497
‪滚回她的棕色国家

588
00:33:59,580 --> 00:34:01,998
‪不 我不吃葡萄干
‪它们就像干瘪的黑人

589
00:34:06,628 --> 00:34:09,632
‪不 我不吃枣子
‪它们就像又老又肥的黑人

590
00:34:10,382 --> 00:34:11,800
‪椒盐饼干？我不吃

591
00:34:11,883 --> 00:34:13,928
‪就像有弹性的黑人

592
00:34:14,012 --> 00:34:16,180
‪我不吃姜饼人

593
00:34:16,555 --> 00:34:19,308
‪它们就像阔气的裸体黑人

594
00:34:20,017 --> 00:34:21,143
‪他们既然这么阔气

595
00:34:21,227 --> 00:34:23,228
‪为什么赤身裸体 不穿衣服？

596
00:34:24,022 --> 00:34:25,105
‪对 我叫她‘黑鬼’

597
00:34:25,188 --> 00:34:26,940
‪我还用了强调语气

598
00:34:27,023 --> 00:34:29,735
‪不过你们不知道的是
‪我稍后会发道歉声明

599
00:34:29,818 --> 00:34:31,653
‪因为我的狗死了

600
00:34:31,737 --> 00:34:33,447
‪所以真正的受害者是我 我！

601
00:34:33,990 --> 00:34:36,033
‪作为白人女性 我们都认为

602
00:34:36,117 --> 00:34:38,243
‪无论是面对四条腿的朋友还是狗

603
00:34:38,327 --> 00:34:39,912
‪我都是受害者

604
00:34:39,995 --> 00:34:42,332
‪因为我是白种女人！”

605
00:34:53,968 --> 00:34:56,387
‪现场的白人心想

606
00:34:59,765 --> 00:35:01,767
‪“噢 她在说我呢！”

607
00:35:02,727 --> 00:35:04,728
‪听听你们的朋友凯莉克拉克森怎么说

608
00:35:04,812 --> 00:35:07,148
‪许下心愿 抓住机会 远走他乡

609
00:35:24,415 --> 00:35:25,917
‪好累

610
00:35:26,958 --> 00:35:28,418
‪太累了

611
00:35:28,502 --> 00:35:30,963
‪前几天 我在洗澡的时候剃阴毛

612
00:35:31,797 --> 00:35:33,883
‪中途觉得累了

613
00:35:35,258 --> 00:35:37,178
‪于是我就停下来

614
00:35:38,595 --> 00:35:40,388
‪为了自我安慰

615
00:35:40,472 --> 00:35:43,142
‪我说：“噢 妮可
‪这绝对要洗两次澡才能刮完”

616
00:35:47,438 --> 00:35:49,440
‪到现在都没刮完

617
00:35:51,442 --> 00:35:52,943
‪好累

618
00:35:53,027 --> 00:35:55,572
‪我在塔科马讲了这个段子
‪然后一位女士就冲我大吼

619
00:35:55,655 --> 00:35:57,823
‪“明明是洗三次澡才能刮完！”

620
00:36:01,910 --> 00:36:05,205
‪我忍不住想象她的阴部得多大啊

621
00:36:07,833 --> 00:36:09,918
‪因为我只有两片嘴唇

622
00:36:10,002 --> 00:36:11,212
‪我…

623
00:36:16,592 --> 00:36:19,387
‪下节目后 我和一个观众上床了

624
00:36:19,470 --> 00:36:20,847
‪谢谢

625
00:36:23,098 --> 00:36:26,310
‪他是个爱尔兰人 来自爱尔兰

626
00:36:26,810 --> 00:36:28,812
‪所以他带爱尔兰口音

627
00:36:28,897 --> 00:36:30,690
‪他来的时候说

628
00:36:30,773 --> 00:36:32,317
‪“我知道是谁偷了我的护身符了”

629
00:36:36,445 --> 00:36:37,613
‪开个玩笑

630
00:36:37,697 --> 00:36:40,365
‪他其实是这样说的

631
00:36:40,617 --> 00:36:43,618
‪“你说你一次只剃一半
‪不是开玩笑吧？现在剃到哪了？

632
00:36:51,043 --> 00:36:53,922
‪如果我们在爱尔兰 我会管你叫
‪‘分布不均’的奥胡拉汉”

633
00:36:56,173 --> 00:36:57,300
‪我说

634
00:36:57,383 --> 00:37:00,427
‪“你们爱尔兰人怎么
‪在自己的酒店房间里送客呢？”

635
00:37:03,472 --> 00:37:04,890
‪我累了

636
00:37:06,892 --> 00:37:09,437
‪累极了 我厌倦了各种翻拍电影

637
00:37:09,520 --> 00:37:10,980
‪话题转换得真不错 对吧？

638
00:37:11,063 --> 00:37:12,732
‪话说

639
00:37:12,815 --> 00:37:15,567
‪他们怎么什么都要翻拍？
‪我都已经看过了 认真的吗？

640
00:37:16,068 --> 00:37:18,570
‪新版《狮子王》是拍给谁看的呀？

641
00:37:21,907 --> 00:37:25,327
‪哪个小孩看了原版《狮子王》会说

642
00:37:25,410 --> 00:37:29,123
‪“我知道它们是狮子 但是 天哪

643
00:37:29,207 --> 00:37:31,917
‪它们简直太假了！”

644
00:37:35,838 --> 00:37:36,838
‪这是拍给谁看呢？

645
00:37:36,922 --> 00:37:38,507
‪然后碧昂丝出演娜娜

646
00:37:38,590 --> 00:37:39,883
‪谁同意的？

647
00:37:41,677 --> 00:37:43,762
‪是谁想到的这个馊主意？

648
00:37:44,388 --> 00:37:47,015
‪“辛巴 一起去酒吧玩”

649
00:37:55,232 --> 00:37:57,902
‪是谁想到的这个馊主意？

650
00:37:57,985 --> 00:38:01,113
‪如果你们不知道
‪碧昂丝说话的声音是什么样

651
00:38:02,030 --> 00:38:04,367
‪今晚回家后 钻进被窝

652
00:38:04,450 --> 00:38:06,368
‪打开油管 看段视频 然后你会觉得

653
00:38:06,452 --> 00:38:08,870
‪“感觉还是挺好的

654
00:38:14,043 --> 00:38:16,795
‪不过我还是觉得碧昂丝气场太强大了

655
00:38:16,878 --> 00:38:19,298
‪不适合出演配角

656
00:38:19,382 --> 00:38:21,967
‪如果真要请碧昂丝翻拍《狮子王》

657
00:38:22,050 --> 00:38:24,262
‪让碧昂丝出演狮子王就好了嘛！

658
00:38:28,390 --> 00:38:30,308
‪不过那也很搞笑 辛巴”

659
00:38:30,727 --> 00:38:32,268
‪他们还…

660
00:38:36,690 --> 00:38:39,360
‪我们还翻拍了电影《偷听女人心》？

661
00:38:39,443 --> 00:38:40,987
‪你们记得这部电影吗？

662
00:38:41,862 --> 00:38:43,488
‪好吧 如果你们不记得了

663
00:38:43,572 --> 00:38:45,867
‪这部电影是梅尔吉布森主演的

664
00:38:45,950 --> 00:38:47,410
‪他会读心术…好吧

665
00:38:47,493 --> 00:38:49,162
‪他可以…

666
00:38:55,292 --> 00:38:57,335
‪那一声吼是献给梅尔吉布森的吗？

667
00:38:59,088 --> 00:39:01,090
‪你们这辈子有被隔离过吗？

668
00:39:08,013 --> 00:39:12,267
‪好吧 女人们只想看
‪梅尔吉布森主演的电影

669
00:39:12,727 --> 00:39:14,687
‪他能读懂女人的心事

670
00:39:14,770 --> 00:39:17,022
‪借此来满足女人真正的需要

671
00:39:17,105 --> 00:39:18,398
‪然后 梅尔吉布森说

672
00:39:18,482 --> 00:39:20,025
‪“这只是电影角色”

673
00:39:23,528 --> 00:39:24,405
‪整到他了

674
00:39:24,488 --> 00:39:26,573
‪然后

675
00:39:26,657 --> 00:39:29,202
‪这部电影被翻拍了
‪由塔拉吉汉森主演

676
00:39:29,285 --> 00:39:31,453
‪电影名叫《倾听男人心》

677
00:39:31,537 --> 00:39:33,372
‪我心想：“啊？

678
00:39:33,455 --> 00:39:35,332
‪我们已经知道

679
00:39:36,958 --> 00:39:38,377
‪男人想要什么了

680
00:39:39,253 --> 00:39:40,963
‪干吗还要翻拍这部电影？什么玩意？

681
00:39:41,297 --> 00:39:43,632
‪不会是塔拉吉
‪一边走来走去 心情愉快

682
00:39:43,798 --> 00:39:45,717
‪她看见一个男人 于是向他招手

683
00:39:45,802 --> 00:39:47,762
‪男人招手回应
‪然后她读出了男人的心事

684
00:39:47,845 --> 00:39:48,803
‪男人满脑子想的是

685
00:39:48,887 --> 00:39:50,597
‪‘我想让你吞下我的精液’吧”

686
00:39:55,770 --> 00:39:57,563
‪这到底是一部什么样的电影啊？

687
00:39:59,273 --> 00:40:01,692
‪难道一个半小时
‪全部演女主角如何担惊受怕吗？

688
00:40:01,775 --> 00:40:03,277
‪什么玩意？

689
00:40:08,782 --> 00:40:11,160
‪你们可能会觉得我厌男

690
00:40:11,243 --> 00:40:13,162
‪没错

691
00:40:14,037 --> 00:40:15,705
‪我的确是

692
00:40:18,875 --> 00:40:22,797
‪很多男人
‪真的就像“垃圾箱”，好吧？

693
00:40:23,713 --> 00:40:25,842
‪不过我蛮想交男朋友

694
00:40:27,635 --> 00:40:30,428
‪我想跳进“垃圾箱”吃屌

695
00:40:30,512 --> 00:40:31,930
‪懂我意思吗？

696
00:40:32,013 --> 00:40:33,265
‪跳进垃圾箱 然后这样…

697
00:40:35,350 --> 00:40:37,435
‪想象一下我吃屌的样子

698
00:40:40,522 --> 00:40:42,692
‪就像在弹奏爵士萨克斯管一样

699
00:40:45,945 --> 00:40:47,403
‪他说：“你可以跪下来吗？”

700
00:40:47,488 --> 00:40:49,072
‪我说：“接住我”

701
00:40:51,450 --> 00:40:52,952
‪我像《遗传厄运》里面一样
‪贴在天花板上

702
00:41:05,672 --> 00:41:07,382
‪今天年初 我做了一个决定

703
00:41:07,465 --> 00:41:09,635
‪我要逼迫自己跳出舒适区

704
00:41:09,718 --> 00:41:11,428
‪进行一些新尝试

705
00:41:11,512 --> 00:41:13,013
‪肛交 不 开个玩笑

706
00:41:13,888 --> 00:41:15,933
‪不 我喜欢肛交 快给我润滑

707
00:41:16,017 --> 00:41:17,142
‪可是

708
00:41:19,018 --> 00:41:22,272
‪最后我报名参加了电臀舞班

709
00:41:22,773 --> 00:41:25,692
‪到地方之后 我发现除了我
‪还有11个白人女性

710
00:41:27,820 --> 00:41:29,363
‪我比老师早到

711
00:41:29,447 --> 00:41:31,948
‪我的大肥臀一亮相
‪我感觉有11双眼睛看着我 好像说

712
00:41:32,032 --> 00:41:33,492
‪“她来了

713
00:41:39,998 --> 00:41:42,458
‪她挺身而出来教我们电臀舞了”

714
00:41:43,752 --> 00:41:45,922
‪我在前面说过
‪我吸取了白人女性的力量

715
00:41:46,005 --> 00:41:47,255
‪和能量 我心想…

716
00:41:49,132 --> 00:41:52,720
‪喔！贝基烧烤店 劳伦斯图书馆

717
00:41:52,803 --> 00:41:55,347
‪让我来教你们怎么跳电臀舞

718
00:41:56,307 --> 00:41:58,850
‪然后老师进来了
‪我慌忙说：“噢 您请”

719
00:42:01,062 --> 00:42:03,855
‪然后音乐响起 我完全没有节奏感

720
00:42:05,107 --> 00:42:08,235
‪切身体会到这点的感觉糟透了

721
00:42:09,320 --> 00:42:11,447
‪我的屁股僵硬得像砖头
‪根本扭不起来

722
00:42:11,530 --> 00:42:13,782
‪就好像我在下意识抗拒扭动 真的

723
00:42:15,158 --> 00:42:17,202
‪可是没用 跟自由钟一样

724
00:42:17,285 --> 00:42:19,203
‪巨大无比 上面有条缝
‪人们喜欢排队去看

725
00:42:19,330 --> 00:42:21,165
‪不过没用 我讨厌宾州

726
00:42:28,547 --> 00:42:31,217
‪自由钟那里设了金属探测器

727
00:42:31,300 --> 00:42:33,510
‪不知道什么人跑到大钟前高声喊

728
00:42:33,593 --> 00:42:35,095
‪“叮咚 开花的大只玉米花！”

729
00:42:44,647 --> 00:42:46,690
‪下课后 我很难过

730
00:42:46,773 --> 00:42:49,192
‪我走到车旁 懊恼不已：“见鬼

731
00:42:49,693 --> 00:42:51,070
‪真该死

732
00:42:55,198 --> 00:42:56,575
‪我是差劲的黑人”

733
00:42:56,658 --> 00:42:58,077
‪等等

734
00:42:58,160 --> 00:43:00,578
‪不许你们白人学我说这个词 好吗？

735
00:43:01,830 --> 00:43:03,957
‪只有我能说 我是个差劲的黑人

736
00:43:04,040 --> 00:43:07,043
‪于是我开始想其他办法
‪我是个差劲的黑人

737
00:43:07,127 --> 00:43:09,087
‪我长了一副貌似很会唱歌的样子

738
00:43:15,677 --> 00:43:17,220
‪你们心想：“那女人是个灵魂歌者”

739
00:43:17,303 --> 00:43:18,555
‪不 我五音不全

740
00:43:18,638 --> 00:43:20,057
‪可是…

741
00:43:21,017 --> 00:43:22,727
‪每次我去卡拉OK

742
00:43:22,810 --> 00:43:25,062
‪别人都很兴奋

743
00:43:25,145 --> 00:43:26,647
‪我一走进去 他们心想

744
00:43:28,565 --> 00:43:31,443
‪“来了个小艾瑞莎”

745
00:43:33,487 --> 00:43:36,240
‪“天哪 简直跟减肥前的
‪珍妮佛赫德森一模一样”

746
00:43:37,742 --> 00:43:39,743
‪你们给我滚 真是天大的笑话

747
00:43:46,917 --> 00:43:48,418
‪我心知肚明 我不会唱歌

748
00:43:48,502 --> 00:43:51,172
‪所以我有点纠结
‪我心想：“也许我可以 不行

749
00:43:51,255 --> 00:43:52,882
‪也许我可以 不行 我做不到

750
00:43:52,965 --> 00:43:54,717
‪也许我可以 其实不行”

751
00:43:54,800 --> 00:43:56,885
‪然后我就喝醉了 我心想：“请原谅

752
00:44:00,763 --> 00:44:02,223
‪我唱”

753
00:44:02,307 --> 00:44:03,933
‪于是

754
00:44:04,017 --> 00:44:07,187
‪我走上台 开始不在节奏地摇摆身体

755
00:44:11,567 --> 00:44:13,027
‪所有人都在想：“她会找到节奏的”

756
00:44:13,110 --> 00:44:14,403
‪不会的

757
00:44:16,363 --> 00:44:19,073
‪然后我开始唱歌 我真的已经尽力了

758
00:44:19,157 --> 00:44:21,702
‪爱过之后 你还相信爱吗？

759
00:44:21,785 --> 00:44:23,203
‪爱过之后？

760
00:44:23,287 --> 00:44:24,830
‪唱得不好 糟透了

761
00:44:24,913 --> 00:44:26,582
‪糟糕 她肯定会在大街上给我一枪

762
00:44:26,665 --> 00:44:27,958
‪不过

763
00:44:28,792 --> 00:44:32,378
‪我最近一次唱卡拉OK
‪的确是唱的这首歌

764
00:44:32,462 --> 00:44:35,007
‪间歇时 有个人说：“真难听！”

765
00:44:44,600 --> 00:44:46,393
‪好 再说说我吧

766
00:44:46,477 --> 00:44:48,437
‪我在节目上已经说过无数次了

767
00:44:48,520 --> 00:44:49,938
‪我是单身

768
00:44:50,022 --> 00:44:52,273
‪然后我心想

769
00:44:52,357 --> 00:44:53,733
‪“妮可

770
00:44:53,817 --> 00:44:56,903
‪你是如何跟男人约会超过三天的？

771
00:44:56,987 --> 00:44:59,030
‪怎么交往三天以上？”

772
00:44:59,155 --> 00:45:00,198
‪我心想

773
00:45:00,282 --> 00:45:01,992
‪“太棒了 我骗过了他们”

774
00:45:03,827 --> 00:45:06,163
‪因为男人貌似很喜欢高冷女

775
00:45:07,497 --> 00:45:08,582
‪就是那种很高冷的女生

776
00:45:08,998 --> 00:45:10,125
‪高冷女

777
00:45:10,208 --> 00:45:12,293
‪我不高冷 我是个疯子 好吧？

778
00:45:14,463 --> 00:45:17,382
‪我嘴上对男人说着平常的事儿

779
00:45:17,465 --> 00:45:20,718
‪但脑子里想的事情特别疯狂

780
00:45:20,802 --> 00:45:22,262
‪我心想

781
00:45:22,345 --> 00:45:24,263
‪“你真有趣

782
00:45:24,347 --> 00:45:26,142
‪我们去喝一杯吧 我是谁？

783
00:45:26,225 --> 00:45:27,517
‪我爱吃墨西哥卷饼”

784
00:45:27,725 --> 00:45:29,102
‪然后

785
00:45:31,980 --> 00:45:34,148
‪然后我开始想一些疯狂的事情

786
00:45:34,232 --> 00:45:37,027
‪“你为什么没在30秒内回我短信？

787
00:45:39,905 --> 00:45:42,323
‪你会爱我胜过爱你的狗吗？

788
00:45:44,702 --> 00:45:46,662
‪我知道我们才交往三个月

789
00:45:46,745 --> 00:45:49,707
‪但如果你死了
‪我能参加你的葬礼吗？

790
00:45:49,790 --> 00:45:51,583
‪到时候我能见到你母亲吗？”

791
00:45:58,257 --> 00:45:59,550
‪最后一个不是段子

792
00:45:59,633 --> 00:46:00,842
‪我…

793
00:46:01,885 --> 00:46:04,472
‪的确跟一个朋友这样说

794
00:46:05,138 --> 00:46:07,515
‪但她却说：“女人 你冷静一下”

795
00:46:09,017 --> 00:46:11,102
‪我一直在观察生活中的情侣

796
00:46:11,187 --> 00:46:12,813
‪似乎找到了答案

797
00:46:13,647 --> 00:46:15,773
‪一开始 装出高冷的样子骗他们

798
00:46:16,525 --> 00:46:18,610
‪几个月之后

799
00:46:18,693 --> 00:46:20,737
‪你就会彻底疯狂

800
00:46:21,780 --> 00:46:25,992
‪你们在公共场合的争吵
‪真的有够疯狂 好吗？

801
00:46:27,118 --> 00:46:29,453
‪该死的 我想加入 好吗？

802
00:46:31,165 --> 00:46:33,083
‪我想和男朋友进电梯

803
00:46:33,167 --> 00:46:34,375
‪结果有六个受害者

804
00:46:34,458 --> 00:46:35,627
‪然后

805
00:46:38,963 --> 00:46:41,217
‪我想仰头看他
‪因为他个子比我高 我说

806
00:46:41,300 --> 00:46:43,927
‪“嘿 我们要个孩子吧”

807
00:46:46,180 --> 00:46:48,515
‪他说：“妮可 现在还不是时候”

808
00:46:48,598 --> 00:46:51,352
‪我说：“永远没有准备好的时候”

809
00:46:52,435 --> 00:46:54,730
‪我根本不想要孩子
‪我只想让那六个人知道

810
00:46:54,813 --> 00:46:56,357
‪待会儿再说这个

811
00:46:59,442 --> 00:47:02,237
‪最近我去了一家超市的农产品区

812
00:47:02,528 --> 00:47:03,655
‪谢谢

813
00:47:03,780 --> 00:47:05,032
‪然后

814
00:47:06,157 --> 00:47:10,328
‪有一对情侣在买苹果
‪男人用鼻子蹭女人的脖子 女人说

815
00:47:16,710 --> 00:47:19,838
‪“你像蛇果一样诱人 我是什么？”

816
00:47:20,380 --> 00:47:23,008
‪男人说：“不好说 澳洲青苹吧”

817
00:47:26,553 --> 00:47:29,013
‪这个女人是什么反应呢？

818
00:47:29,598 --> 00:47:31,225
‪她对着购物车踢了一脚 说

819
00:47:31,308 --> 00:47:33,310
‪“澳洲青苹！”

820
00:47:35,853 --> 00:47:37,438
‪他们回家后大概会打个“仇恨炮”

821
00:47:37,730 --> 00:47:39,608
‪我想加入 好吗？

822
00:47:41,235 --> 00:47:42,945
‪我最近在一家餐厅

823
00:47:43,070 --> 00:47:44,988
‪偷听一对情侣讲话
‪想从中挖掘出点秘密

824
00:47:45,072 --> 00:47:46,907
‪然后服务生走上来

825
00:47:47,032 --> 00:47:48,450
‪说：“你们用餐愉快吗？”

826
00:47:48,533 --> 00:47:50,035
‪女人说：“真好笑

827
00:47:50,868 --> 00:47:54,372
‪我们的食物上桌后
‪我让他跟我换了”

828
00:47:54,455 --> 00:47:57,500
‪我心想：“这女人
‪偷了这男人的食物”

829
00:47:59,085 --> 00:48:00,545
‪做事要讲规矩

830
00:48:00,628 --> 00:48:02,130
‪男人答应去餐厅吃饭

831
00:48:02,213 --> 00:48:04,090
‪坐下来 打开菜单

832
00:48:04,173 --> 00:48:06,092
‪他说：“我要吃这个”

833
00:48:06,175 --> 00:48:08,387
‪女人说：“休想” 懂我意思吗？

834
00:48:08,678 --> 00:48:10,930
‪他们回到家
‪女人肯定会爽到欲仙欲死

835
00:48:11,013 --> 00:48:12,307
‪我想加入！

836
00:48:15,685 --> 00:48:18,688
‪我想在公共场合和家里肆意妄为

837
00:48:18,772 --> 00:48:21,483
‪他会说：“我忍你” 懂我意思吗？

838
00:48:21,817 --> 00:48:24,778
‪我想要一个精疲力竭的男人
‪这就是我想要的

839
00:48:25,403 --> 00:48:26,738
‪我想要一个精疲力竭的男人

840
00:48:26,863 --> 00:48:29,490
‪我想带男朋友去派对
‪跟大伙儿介绍说：“这是我男友”

841
00:48:29,573 --> 00:48:30,825
‪然后他说

842
00:48:36,707 --> 00:48:38,167
‪“我爱她”

843
00:48:40,460 --> 00:48:41,712
‪我想要一个精疲力竭的男人

844
00:48:41,795 --> 00:48:43,797
‪因为他太累了 哪都去不了

845
00:48:44,505 --> 00:48:46,508
‪我暗自思忖

846
00:48:46,592 --> 00:48:48,802
‪“怎么才能搞到
‪一个精疲力竭的男人呢？

847
00:48:48,885 --> 00:48:50,345
‪我该怎么做呢？”

848
00:48:53,348 --> 00:48:54,473
‪然后我想到了

849
00:48:54,557 --> 00:48:56,560
‪“好吧 我就用最老土的办法吧

850
00:48:56,643 --> 00:48:59,062
‪我不玩应用了 要去酒吧见真人”

851
00:48:59,478 --> 00:49:01,440
‪于是我来到了一家酒吧

852
00:49:01,523 --> 00:49:02,898
‪和一个男人聊天

853
00:49:02,983 --> 00:49:05,318
‪他说：“嘿 我叫戴夫

854
00:49:05,402 --> 00:49:07,403
‪我现在超爱看书”

855
00:49:13,077 --> 00:49:15,787
‪于是我问：“那么 戴夫

856
00:49:16,120 --> 00:49:17,747
‪你爱看哪类书呢？”

857
00:49:18,082 --> 00:49:20,125
‪他说：“那类描述得很具体

858
00:49:20,208 --> 00:49:21,668
‪画面感很强的”

859
00:49:24,212 --> 00:49:25,797
‪我说：“书吗？”

860
00:49:27,715 --> 00:49:29,802
‪我才不要和蠢货上床

861
00:49:29,885 --> 00:49:33,680
‪于是我开始和酒吧侍者调情 他说

862
00:49:33,763 --> 00:49:36,015
‪“嘿 我叫本尼

863
00:49:36,098 --> 00:49:37,642
‪《本尼和喷气机》的本尼”

864
00:49:39,602 --> 00:49:41,605
‪我说：“我听过本尼这个名字

865
00:49:43,565 --> 00:49:46,025
‪你不需要解释
‪你知道什么是书吗？”

866
00:49:46,108 --> 00:49:47,110
‪他说：“知道”

867
00:49:47,193 --> 00:49:48,278
‪我说：“你会知道的”

868
00:49:48,362 --> 00:49:50,155
‪于是

869
00:49:50,822 --> 00:49:52,907
‪我入住了酒吧上面的酒店

870
00:49:52,990 --> 00:49:54,868
‪因为方便才是什么？关键

871
00:49:54,952 --> 00:49:56,620
‪然后

872
00:49:57,078 --> 00:49:58,913
‪他下班后上楼来

873
00:49:58,997 --> 00:50:00,707
‪敲我的门

874
00:50:00,832 --> 00:50:02,583
‪我打开门 看见他在门外站着

875
00:50:02,667 --> 00:50:04,418
‪端了一碗鸡肉

876
00:50:05,670 --> 00:50:07,338
‪不是一碗炸鸡

877
00:50:07,422 --> 00:50:10,383
‪我们将围绕这一点
‪进行接下来的整个谈话

878
00:50:11,510 --> 00:50:14,888
‪我说：“本尼 我跟你不熟
‪我觉得这一点也不好玩”

879
00:50:24,230 --> 00:50:26,357
‪因为他端了一碗烤鸡

880
00:50:26,900 --> 00:50:28,610
‪于是我问他：“本尼

881
00:50:29,027 --> 00:50:31,697
‪你为什么端了一碗烤鸡？”

882
00:50:31,780 --> 00:50:33,073
‪他说：“蛋白质”

883
00:50:35,367 --> 00:50:37,410
‪这个回答没问题

884
00:50:38,703 --> 00:50:41,582
‪但不是我想要的答案

885
00:50:41,665 --> 00:50:43,958
‪于是我说：“本尼 把鸡肉放桌上

886
00:50:44,042 --> 00:50:46,920
‪不要放在床头柜上 不可以”

887
00:50:47,003 --> 00:50:49,422
‪我要骑在他身上
‪一边喊：“蛋白质”

888
00:50:51,925 --> 00:50:53,008
‪但这不是我想要的

889
00:50:53,093 --> 00:50:54,635
‪蛋白质

890
00:50:57,680 --> 00:50:59,057
‪然后我们俩就勾搭上了

891
00:50:59,140 --> 00:51:00,683
‪我瘫软在门把手上

892
00:51:00,767 --> 00:51:02,852
‪吃他的屌 然后…

893
00:51:03,853 --> 00:51:06,482
‪我把他搞得半硬 然后对他说
‪“喂 快进来”

894
00:51:07,273 --> 00:51:09,860
‪因为如果他趁半硬的时候进来
‪你就可以做骨盆运动

895
00:51:09,985 --> 00:51:11,318
‪来帮他立正

896
00:51:11,528 --> 00:51:14,072
‪而且你会感觉自己像个夹娃娃机

897
00:51:25,000 --> 00:51:27,877
‪这笑话真是太蠢了

898
00:51:28,962 --> 00:51:31,047
‪然后本尼来到我上面 我对他说

899
00:51:31,130 --> 00:51:32,757
‪“嘿 快掐我脖子”

900
00:51:33,175 --> 00:51:34,968
‪我是成年人 我想要高潮

901
00:51:35,052 --> 00:51:36,052
‪然后

902
00:51:38,095 --> 00:51:39,848
‪本尼说：“好啊”

903
00:51:40,140 --> 00:51:41,725
‪然后他掐住我的脖子

904
00:51:41,808 --> 00:51:44,768
‪但我发现他根本没进来

905
00:51:45,562 --> 00:51:49,023
‪他在用他那半软的老二撞我的大腿

906
00:51:50,150 --> 00:51:51,777
‪我就抬头看他 我说

907
00:51:53,612 --> 00:51:55,113
‪“你简直要了我的命”

908
00:52:09,002 --> 00:52:12,463
‪如果你没见过快要害死你

909
00:52:12,547 --> 00:52:14,842
‪但又不是故意要你命的男人的脸

910
00:52:14,925 --> 00:52:16,383
‪真的特别好笑

911
00:52:17,927 --> 00:52:19,553
‪然后本尼说：“翻过身去”

912
00:52:19,637 --> 00:52:20,847
‪我说：“噢 我懂

913
00:52:20,930 --> 00:52:22,723
‪我也不会想看见我的受害人的脸”

914
00:52:25,727 --> 00:52:29,147
‪然后本尼在我后面
‪他说了一句话 让我终身难忘

915
00:52:30,065 --> 00:52:31,650
‪他说：“我的天

916
00:52:31,733 --> 00:52:33,360
‪从后面看你像一滩泡软的湿面条”

917
00:52:44,370 --> 00:52:47,332
‪每个女生都爱听的一句话

918
00:52:49,125 --> 00:52:50,460
‪于是我说：“你知道吗？

919
00:52:50,543 --> 00:52:53,338
‪面条和鸡肉是绝配
‪本尼 你得射了”

920
00:52:53,547 --> 00:52:54,505
‪然后

921
00:53:01,220 --> 00:53:03,265
‪我又开始玩应用

922
00:53:03,348 --> 00:53:05,183
‪不得不说

923
00:53:05,267 --> 00:53:07,935
‪你们男人太没礼貌了

924
00:53:08,978 --> 00:53:11,313
‪真搞不懂你们为什么还在发屌照

925
00:53:11,397 --> 00:53:12,982
‪我以为我们已经达成共识了

926
00:53:13,065 --> 00:53:14,775
‪我们女人一点也不想看

927
00:53:14,858 --> 00:53:16,653
‪现场的男士有没有人还在发屌照？

928
00:53:29,165 --> 00:53:30,833
‪能问你一个问题吗？

929
00:53:31,250 --> 00:53:32,793
‪你是同性恋吗？

930
00:53:32,877 --> 00:53:34,128
‪如果对方同意的话

931
00:53:36,255 --> 00:53:39,675
‪你会把照片发给想看的人 对吗？

932
00:53:39,758 --> 00:53:41,177
‪如果对方同意的话

933
00:53:41,260 --> 00:53:42,428
‪真的吗？你说

934
00:53:42,512 --> 00:53:43,888
‪“你愿意看我的屌吗？”

935
00:53:43,972 --> 00:53:45,682
‪你那样…

936
00:53:45,765 --> 00:53:46,892
‪他们的个人资料里会注明

937
00:53:46,975 --> 00:53:48,058
‪真的吗？

938
00:53:48,142 --> 00:53:50,770
‪但不会上传工作照

939
00:53:51,062 --> 00:53:52,563
‪同志们有了重大发现

940
00:53:54,232 --> 00:53:55,275
‪什么鬼？

941
00:53:55,358 --> 00:53:57,610
‪这个可以有

942
00:53:57,693 --> 00:53:59,487
‪从来没人问我这种问题

943
00:53:59,570 --> 00:54:01,238
‪他们都很直接：“看我的屌”

944
00:54:02,532 --> 00:54:04,200
‪简直跟拖把一样

945
00:54:04,283 --> 00:54:05,952
‪什么鬼？

946
00:54:18,005 --> 00:54:19,882
‪不过说真的 我不喜欢大屌照片

947
00:54:19,967 --> 00:54:21,885
‪我觉得那没什么用 好吧？

948
00:54:21,968 --> 00:54:25,555
‪毫无益处 就像给人寄
‪宜家的产品使用说明一样 好吧？

949
00:54:27,223 --> 00:54:29,517
‪然后 它们基本上可以归为四类

950
00:54:30,602 --> 00:54:32,187
‪大屌、小屌、弯屌、直屌

951
00:54:32,270 --> 00:54:33,522
‪这四类

952
00:54:34,938 --> 00:54:37,400
‪在纽约州布法罗市的时候
‪一个女孩冲我喊

953
00:54:37,483 --> 00:54:39,318
‪她说：“还有瘦屌呢？”

954
00:54:39,402 --> 00:54:41,738
‪我说：“女人 这只是你的经历”

955
00:54:46,117 --> 00:54:48,662
‪我从没见过瘦屌

956
00:54:49,078 --> 00:54:50,413
‪你做什么？和铅笔做爱吗？

957
00:54:50,497 --> 00:54:52,665
‪你有毛病吧？

958
00:54:52,748 --> 00:54:54,625
‪你男朋友叫巨无霸吗？

959
00:54:54,708 --> 00:54:56,460
‪我从没见过

960
00:54:58,547 --> 00:55:00,048
‪瘦屌

961
00:55:00,632 --> 00:55:02,133
‪如果刚才那个梗你没听懂

962
00:55:02,217 --> 00:55:04,052
‪那是一个铅笔品牌

963
00:55:07,888 --> 00:55:10,725
‪总的来说只有四种
‪大屌、小屌、弯屌、直屌

964
00:55:10,808 --> 00:55:13,310
‪然后这四种可以进行自由组合

965
00:55:16,857 --> 00:55:19,942
‪它们可能是大而直 大而弯 大而小

966
00:55:20,027 --> 00:55:21,527
‪多可怕的惊喜啊

967
00:55:22,487 --> 00:55:24,238
‪他脱掉裤子后 我暗喜

968
00:55:24,322 --> 00:55:26,365
‪“天哪 他肯定让我明天下不了床”

969
00:55:26,448 --> 00:55:28,910
‪然后他开始运动 你心想：“咦？

970
00:55:28,993 --> 00:55:30,578
‪我可以一边报税”

971
00:55:33,832 --> 00:55:36,710
‪然后是小而直 小而大

972
00:55:36,793 --> 00:55:38,712
‪多么美妙的惊喜啊

973
00:55:39,253 --> 00:55:41,505
‪等他把手从口袋里抽出来
‪你嗤之以鼻：“噢 什么嘛”

974
00:55:42,090 --> 00:55:43,967
‪等到事后 你忍不住打给朋友说

975
00:55:44,050 --> 00:55:45,843
‪“天哪 他把我的‘星巴克’
‪弄得淤青”

976
00:55:47,970 --> 00:55:50,223
‪你们中很多人可能很纳闷
‪“‘星巴克’是什么？”

977
00:55:53,893 --> 00:55:56,103
‪最糟糕的当数小而弯了

978
00:55:56,187 --> 00:55:58,565
‪啊 咦 呃 噢

979
00:55:59,440 --> 00:56:02,277
‪小而弯

980
00:56:02,818 --> 00:56:05,155
‪真恶心 就像跟挂钩做爱一样
‪这个留待下次再讲

981
00:56:17,000 --> 00:56:19,835
‪是的 这是一个堕胎梗！

982
00:56:23,213 --> 00:56:25,967
‪我把它伪装成了老二梗！

983
00:56:26,843 --> 00:56:28,928
‪我知道你们中有人不喜欢

984
00:56:30,930 --> 00:56:34,183
‪今晚我在此呼吁各位 为当地计生联
‪或美国公民自由联盟捐款

985
00:56:42,067 --> 00:56:43,985
‪我不想以堕胎梗结尾

986
00:56:44,068 --> 00:56:45,695
‪因为我的教养很好

987
00:56:49,698 --> 00:56:51,910
‪我经常去机场

988
00:56:51,993 --> 00:56:53,118
‪和坐飞机

989
00:56:53,202 --> 00:56:55,330
‪我不想一概而论或抱有任何成见

990
00:56:55,413 --> 00:56:56,832
‪我没有亲眼看见

991
00:56:56,915 --> 00:56:58,165
‪这话不是我说的 但是

992
00:56:59,792 --> 00:57:02,003
‪男乘务员都是同性恋

993
00:57:02,087 --> 00:57:03,588
‪所有的男乘务员

994
00:57:03,880 --> 00:57:06,173
‪每一个都是同性恋

995
00:57:06,590 --> 00:57:08,217
‪你说：“劳驾 我需要一个枕头？”

996
00:57:08,300 --> 00:57:09,427
‪然后他们摆出这副样子

997
00:57:25,443 --> 00:57:28,195
‪你说：“不好意思

998
00:57:28,278 --> 00:57:30,365
‪你刚才在冲我吼吗？”

999
00:57:32,117 --> 00:57:35,077
‪就好像有人在他们小时候对他们说

1000
00:57:35,203 --> 00:57:36,578
‪“宝贝 这个世界容纳不下你

1001
00:57:36,662 --> 00:57:37,913
‪你应该到天上去”

1002
00:57:51,760 --> 00:57:54,305
‪我曾经坐过一次飞机
‪戴着一条名牌项链

1003
00:57:54,388 --> 00:57:57,017
‪上面刻着我的名字 妮可
‪只有六个英文字母长

1004
00:57:57,100 --> 00:57:58,935
‪但它覆盖了我的整个胸口

1005
00:58:00,228 --> 00:58:02,022
‪我最好的朋友在布鲁克林给我订做的

1006
00:58:02,105 --> 00:58:03,188
‪珠宝商说

1007
00:58:03,272 --> 00:58:04,857
‪“你确定要做这么大吗？”

1008
00:58:04,940 --> 00:58:06,358
‪她说：“是的

1009
00:58:06,442 --> 00:58:08,068
‪我这个朋友超俗气”

1010
00:58:12,657 --> 00:58:14,575
‪我在飞机上戴着这条项链

1011
00:58:14,658 --> 00:58:16,077
‪乘务员走过来说

1012
00:58:16,160 --> 00:58:17,912
‪“噢 你一定是妮可吧”

1013
00:58:17,995 --> 00:58:19,955
‪我说：“对 看我的项链就知道了”

1014
00:58:20,038 --> 00:58:22,458
‪他说：“没错 不过我在
‪《女孩代码》里见过你

1015
00:58:22,542 --> 00:58:24,168
‪我觉得你很有趣”

1016
00:58:24,252 --> 00:58:26,253
‪当别人说喜欢你的作品

1017
00:58:26,337 --> 00:58:28,088
‪并觉得你很有趣

1018
00:58:28,172 --> 00:58:30,173
‪你就特别开心 因为很多时候

1019
00:58:30,258 --> 00:58:33,260
‪我并不知道别人会不会喜欢我
‪或者觉得我有趣

1020
00:58:33,343 --> 00:58:35,347
‪反正红迪网说
‪没人喜欢我或觉得我有趣

1021
00:58:38,182 --> 00:58:40,477
‪然后这个乘务员对我说
‪“你想喝一杯吗？”

1022
00:58:40,560 --> 00:58:41,518
‪我说：“好啊

1023
00:58:41,602 --> 00:58:43,020
‪请给我一杯伏特加苏打水 谢谢”

1024
00:58:43,103 --> 00:58:44,897
‪然后他说：“好啊”

1025
00:58:44,980 --> 00:58:47,025
‪好啊

1026
00:58:47,192 --> 00:58:49,277
‪我说：“快去啊”

1027
00:58:54,698 --> 00:58:56,450
‪我们这是在干吗？

1028
00:58:57,118 --> 00:59:00,580
‪然后他就去拿了三小瓶

1029
00:59:00,663 --> 00:59:01,872
‪伏特加和少许苏打水 我说

1030
00:59:01,957 --> 00:59:03,415
‪“游戏开始”

1031
00:59:04,667 --> 00:59:06,460
‪我喝完酒 他又走过来

1032
00:59:06,543 --> 00:59:07,795
‪他说：“您想再来一杯吗？”

1033
00:59:07,878 --> 00:59:08,963
‪我说：“是的 谢谢”

1034
00:59:11,257 --> 00:59:13,677
‪然后他又拿来三小瓶红酒
‪我说：“我们来喝了它”

1035
00:59:17,347 --> 00:59:19,890
‪所以我又喝光了 他又走过来
‪说：“您想再来一瓶吗？”

1036
00:59:19,973 --> 00:59:22,685
‪我说：“我无法拒绝你”

1037
00:59:26,897 --> 00:59:28,692
‪于是他又拿了三小瓶酒来

1038
00:59:29,608 --> 00:59:31,860
‪如果你的服务好
‪客人就会一直喝下去

1039
00:59:32,320 --> 00:59:35,782
‪我在四个半小时的红眼航班上

1040
00:59:35,865 --> 00:59:38,158
‪喝了九小瓶伏特加

1041
00:59:43,413 --> 00:59:44,915
‪所有人都在睡觉

1042
00:59:44,998 --> 00:59:46,960
‪只有我一个人喝得酩酊大醉

1043
00:59:51,297 --> 00:59:52,965
‪我坐在我的位置上 心想

1044
00:59:53,048 --> 00:59:55,133
‪“如果我在过道上打滚会怎么样？”

1045
00:59:59,763 --> 01:00:03,600
‪想象一下 我起身在过道上躺下打滚

1046
01:00:04,977 --> 01:00:07,022
‪万一乘务员打电话
‪给地面控制台 那可怎么办？

1047
01:00:07,105 --> 01:00:09,732
‪“这架飞机必须立刻降落
‪有个糟糕的胖女人不肯坐在位置上”

1048
01:00:11,275 --> 01:00:12,610
‪可是 我转念一想

1049
01:00:12,777 --> 01:00:14,112
‪“我知道我想做什么了

1050
01:00:14,195 --> 01:00:16,280
‪我要在过道上打滚

1051
01:00:16,613 --> 01:00:18,825
‪我要看《回到未来》”

1052
01:00:22,328 --> 01:00:24,413
‪于是我看了《回到未来》

1053
01:00:24,497 --> 01:00:26,582
‪我以前没看过这部电影

1054
01:00:27,500 --> 01:00:30,210
‪我看得拍拍膝盖 开怀大笑

1055
01:00:31,878 --> 01:00:33,923
‪我几乎整个人贴在显示屏上

1056
01:00:39,928 --> 01:00:41,097
‪我说：“马蒂和博士 年龄各异

1057
01:00:41,180 --> 01:00:43,808
‪相当狂野

1058
01:00:46,227 --> 01:00:48,270
‪还有罗兰 她还好吗？”

1059
01:00:48,603 --> 01:00:50,230
‪然后…

1060
01:00:50,313 --> 01:00:53,860
‪然后我们在肯尼迪国际机场降落
‪那时候是早上7点

1061
01:00:53,943 --> 01:00:55,820
‪奶昔小站已经开始营业了

1062
01:00:57,613 --> 01:01:00,450
‪我大声地自言自语道

1063
01:01:00,783 --> 01:01:02,952
‪“上帝爱他的小宝贝”

1064
01:01:11,835 --> 01:01:13,253
‪因为我觉得自己非常幸运

1065
01:01:13,337 --> 01:01:14,630
‪然后

1066
01:01:15,172 --> 01:01:19,052
‪我跌跌撞撞地走到柜台前下单

1067
01:01:19,135 --> 01:01:20,637
‪柜台后面的家伙说

1068
01:01:20,720 --> 01:01:22,263
‪“你一定是妮可吧”

1069
01:01:22,347 --> 01:01:25,433
‪我回答说：“你当然知道我是谁
‪因为我是名人”

1070
01:01:35,192 --> 01:01:37,237
‪名人不需要这样做

1071
01:01:38,947 --> 01:01:41,323
‪而且 我的项链上明摆着

1072
01:01:42,242 --> 01:01:45,077
‪然后他把食物拿给我
‪他的选择 不是我的

1073
01:01:48,247 --> 01:01:51,250
‪我带着那袋食物
‪跌跌撞撞地穿过肯尼迪国际机场

1074
01:01:51,333 --> 01:01:53,920
‪我心想：“天哪
‪我得去上厕所 我想尿尿”

1075
01:01:54,295 --> 01:01:59,925
‪于是我拿着食物来到厕所开始尿尿

1076
01:02:00,008 --> 01:02:01,802
‪说实话 我在拉屎

1077
01:02:03,888 --> 01:02:05,515
‪我一边拉屎 一边心想

1078
01:02:05,598 --> 01:02:07,642
‪“噢 汉堡真香啊”

1079
01:02:12,480 --> 01:02:14,107
‪于是我就开吃了

1080
01:02:16,150 --> 01:02:18,068
‪我是单身！

1081
01:02:20,613 --> 01:02:22,782
‪然后我意识到了自己在做什么

1082
01:02:22,865 --> 01:02:24,700
‪我开始大哭

1083
01:02:26,952 --> 01:02:30,247
‪我一边哭 一边吃汉堡 一边拉屎

1084
01:02:31,873 --> 01:02:33,125
‪然后我暗自想

1085
01:02:33,208 --> 01:02:36,587
‪“我知道怎么让自己开心起来了
‪我可以给自己唱首歌”

1086
01:02:43,427 --> 01:02:47,473
‪于是我开始大声唱《彩虹之上》

1087
01:02:49,017 --> 01:02:51,935
‪一边哭 一边吃汉堡 一边拉屎

1088
01:02:53,687 --> 01:02:56,732
‪然后我往下一看 看到一双脚

1089
01:03:00,318 --> 01:03:03,155
‪我没有立刻停止我正在做的事

1090
01:03:03,738 --> 01:03:05,700
‪而是敲了敲隔板

1091
01:03:07,952 --> 01:03:11,497
‪我说：“不好意思

1092
01:03:11,580 --> 01:03:13,790
‪我平日里不是这样”

1093
01:03:20,923 --> 01:03:24,510
‪然后那个女人作为一个
‪正常的成熟女性 什么都没说

1094
01:03:31,475 --> 01:03:35,062
‪然后我才意识到厕所里全是女人

1095
01:03:37,105 --> 01:03:39,775
‪她们的动作很轻

1096
01:03:40,568 --> 01:03:44,363
‪她们说：“那扇门后面在搞什么？

1097
01:03:45,782 --> 01:03:48,952
‪也不知道里面是什么怪物？

1098
01:03:49,535 --> 01:03:53,205
‪格罗丽娅 我今天就算错过航班
‪也要看看这究竟是什么人！”

1099
01:03:59,170 --> 01:04:01,547
‪于是我大声对
‪格罗丽娅和她的朋友们说

1100
01:04:01,630 --> 01:04:03,925
‪“嘿 我没事”

1101
01:04:07,220 --> 01:04:10,430
‪说实话 这一年半过得糟透了

1102
01:04:10,513 --> 01:04:12,558
‪不过我想我们一定能挺过去

1103
01:04:12,642 --> 01:04:15,227
‪非常感谢大家能来现场

1104
01:04:16,312 --> 01:04:17,397
‪真的

1105
01:04:17,480 --> 01:04:19,648
‪非常感谢 晚安

1106
01:04:32,370 --> 01:04:33,662
{\an8}‪我亟需做爱

1107
01:04:41,712 --> 01:04:43,672
‪我不需要任何帮助 我活得好好的

1108
01:05:11,617 --> 01:05:13,660
{\an8}‪如果你是翘臀美女

1109
01:05:16,747 --> 01:05:18,540
{\an8}‪噢 我超爱！

1110
01:05:18,623 --> 01:05:20,250
{\an8}‪字幕翻译：李炎