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Downloaded from
YTS.MX

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‪NETFLIX 喜劇特輯

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Official YIFY movies site:
YTS.MX

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‪（棉花糖怪咖美女）

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‪我想我該上節目了

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‪女士們、先生們

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‪有請妮可拜爾！

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‪妮可·拜爾：棉花糖怪咖美女

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‪嗨

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‪非常感謝大家來到現場

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‪太難得了，我不是在做夢吧？

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‪這次來到紐約做節目

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‪我的心情特別激動！

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‪因為這個城市
‪是我的喜劇生涯開始的地方

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‪也是在這個城市，我掉了一塊披薩

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‪乳酪的那一面朝下…

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‪然後又把它吃了！

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‪也是在這個城市
‪我上了一個計程車司機

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‪然後另一個人給我指交

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‪好啦

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‪我知道大傢伙兒對新冠病毒疫情

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‪都膩煩透了

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‪不過今天我仍然想聊一下這個話題

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‪因為它浪費了我一年時間，好嗎？

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‪我想，爸爸們在“小疫疫”期間

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‪日子應該挺難過的

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‪我叫它“小疫疫”，好讓這個話題
‪變得輕鬆和小清新一些

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‪不過爸爸們在2020年的日子

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‪的確不好過

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‪因為既然你們哪都去不了
‪自然沒有什麼理由缺席家長會

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‪在座的爸爸們對此肯定深有感觸

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‪此外，我覺得
‪他們戴口罩的目的也不對

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‪他們說：“快戴上口罩
‪現在戴口罩就是救人命”

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‪不，我們都是自私鬼

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‪他們應該這樣說
‪“如果妳覺得自己很漂亮

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‪那就戴上口罩吧

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‪只有漂亮的人才戴口罩！

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‪如果妳是翹臀美女

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‪就戴口罩吧！”

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‪因為只有醜八怪

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‪才不願意戴口罩

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‪對

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‪他們問：“我的公民自由呢？”

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‪我說：“但你明明長了一張
‪‘公民不服從’的臉啊，好吧？”

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‪疫情期間

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‪我開車去參加了貓的葬禮

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‪沒開玩笑

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‪我真的去參加了貓的葬禮

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‪我朋友瑪西的小黑貓布不幸去世

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‪所以我們的一個朋友
‪給所有朋友傳電郵說

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‪“嘿，我們開車經過
‪她家門口去哭喪吧”

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‪於是我們就這樣了

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‪我們開車以8米時速的樣子
‪從她家門口經過

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‪“節哀呀！”

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‪然後她大哭起來，我心想

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‪“妳是因為傷心還是尷尬呀？”

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‪可是這種問題不好問出口

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‪不久後，我們錄製了播客

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‪節目圍繞《到美國結婚去》展開

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‪淡定

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‪有六個聽眾知道

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‪好啦，現場所有人
‪你們一定要收聽我們的節目，好吧？

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‪這個節目的電視收視率非常高

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‪於是我們就錄製了播客
‪節目名叫《90天寶貝》

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‪在Patreon平台上推出
‪請大家收聽我們的節目

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‪我們用Zoom

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‪在座的各位知道Zoom是什麼嗎？

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‪你們用Zoom嗎？

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‪大家知道Zoom是什麼嗎？

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‪Zoom是什麼鬼？

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‪“zoom”的定義是
‪快速移動到哪裡？我的客廳？

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‪所以…

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‪我們在Zoom上聊這些神經病

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‪突然，這隻小黑貓在她身後蹦蹦跳跳

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‪我心想

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‪“天哪

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‪天哪，我得告訴朋友

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‪當她轉過身後

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‪她死去的貓的鬼魂

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‪在她身後玩得不亦樂乎呢

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‪我得告訴朋友

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‪她家鬧鬼了”

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‪然後我開始大哭，淚流滿面

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‪瑪西就問：“妳搞什麼？”

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‪我說：“瑪西

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‪在妳轉過身後

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‪我看到妳死去的貓的鬼魂了”

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‪瑪西說：“妮可

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‪我又養了一隻貓”

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‪妳總得打聲招呼吧，對不對？

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‪我把這事告訴了我的心理醫生

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‪她還笑我

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‪我心想：“一，我付妳很多錢

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‪二，這是2020年

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‪前腳有殺人大黃蜂
‪說不定貓咪鬼魂後腳就來了呢？”

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‪在座的有黑人同胞嗎？

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‪對！

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‪那個前排的女孩！

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‪沒錯！羅莎代表我們全家來現場！

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‪而不僅限於公車

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‪能不能…

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‪能問你們一個問題嗎？

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‪好

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‪在去年夏天
‪“黑人的命也是命”抗議活動的高潮

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‪我並不認識你們

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‪但是我朝他們眨眼睛

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‪招手、微笑、踢腿的
‪每一個白人朋友都給我傳了簡訊

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‪我聽見很多白人在笑
‪他們心想：“對，我傳了”

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‪但是

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‪他們給你們傳簡訊了嗎？

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‪對，簡訊是不是這樣寫的

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‪“如果有任何事情可以為妳效勞

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‪請告訴我”

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‪對，你們白人是怎麼回事？

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‪搞什麼？

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‪我不需要知道
‪我是你們唯一的黑人朋友

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‪你們自己知道這件事就好了嘛

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‪另外，我不需要任何説明
‪我活得好好的

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‪可是…

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‪我剛才說什麼來著？

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‪我感覺自己被深深地冒犯了

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‪那些和我上過床的

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‪白人老兄

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‪他們沒有一個人給我傳簡訊

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‪我心想：“有沒有搞錯？”

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‪難道只有正在跟你們上床的
‪黑人的命才是命嗎？

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‪太離譜了吧，白種人！

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‪太離譜了！

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‪把你們的白人負疚感
‪打包郵寄給你們！

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‪還記得嗎？大選之前我們還以為

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‪郵局會倒閉呢

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‪這一年真是衰到家了！

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‪所有人都說

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‪“買什麼討厭的郵票？
‪我們現在用Zoom！”

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‪不過我喜歡和白種男做愛

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‪我喜歡和他們狠狠做愛

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‪做到讓他們的老祖宗哭

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‪我又想到一個梗

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‪我喜歡和白種男做愛

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‪超愛

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‪不過我必須當心

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‪因為我喜歡粗暴的性愛

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‪千萬不能把捆綁方式搞錯了

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‪又有一個！

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‪天哪，我好喜歡和白種男做愛

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‪超愛！

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‪我喜歡那種“身懷特權”的感覺

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‪開玩笑啦

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‪我不僅和白種男做愛

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‪在這件事上我不挑膚色

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‪不過我很急色

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‪去年真是到了非常嚴重的程度
‪非常糟糕

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‪亮起了紅燈

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‪我想盡辦法確保做愛時候的安全

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‪我心想：“噢，我要讓他們戴口罩

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‪不行，這樣就不好玩了
‪一點都不性感”

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‪我轉念又想
‪“噢，我去找熟人就行了嘛”

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‪於是我開始翻名片夾
‪我的炮友名錄，然後…

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‪我看到這位老兄，好耶

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‪我就給他傳簡訊
‪他是我在交友軟體上認識的

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‪也算是朋友吧，我就給他傳簡訊

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‪我說：“嘿，你想和我
‪在‘尋歡洞’幽會嗎？”

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‪他說：“不想”

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‪然後他接著說：“我有女朋友了

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‪妳願意上我的播客嗎？”

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‪這第二句話

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‪比第一句更傷人

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‪等等，在座的各位知道
‪“尋歡洞”是什麼嗎？

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‪我感覺有些人比較害羞

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‪別回避，我來告訴你們

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‪好吧，傳統的“尋歡洞”

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‪也可以稱之為經典款

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‪它是一堵牆，中間掏個洞

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‪然後你把老二放進去
‪就像參議員那樣

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‪然後…

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‪有一個超帥的花美男在另一邊

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‪他差不多長得像你這樣

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‪然後

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‪他們跪在另一邊，就像這樣

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‪“嗯

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‪我的肚子飽了”

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‪這就是“尋歡洞”了

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‪然後

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‪我有上網搜尋“女性的尋歡洞”

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‪因為這是大老爺們兒才會做的事吧

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‪我心想：“哪裡有女性的尋歡洞？”

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‪紐約有沒有女性的尋歡洞呢？

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‪也許吧

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‪我並沒有說有，好吧？

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‪真的，我上網搜尋了很多次

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‪我的聯調局特工心想
‪“她沒事吧？”

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‪不，我有事

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‪我很不好，我欲火中燒

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‪剛才的“尋歡洞”深夜廣告多好啊

195
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‪介紹女性的“尋歡洞”！

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00:12:14,025 --> 00:12:18,073
‪可是我在美國卻怎麼都找不到

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00:12:18,155 --> 00:12:21,368
‪但我在德國真的找到了“尋歡洞”！

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‪於是我就去那裡度假！

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‪德國的玩法是

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‪一個女士躺在桌上

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‪有一堵牆把她的身體分隔成兩半

202
00:12:33,628 --> 00:12:36,090
‪然後她的私處完全裸露

203
00:12:37,925 --> 00:12:39,803
‪我滿腦子都在想

204
00:12:40,635 --> 00:12:42,763
‪“萬一沒人選我可怎麼辦？

205
00:12:45,348 --> 00:12:48,143
‪萬一沒感覺到有人
‪對著我又啜又吸的可怎麼辦？

206
00:12:55,275 --> 00:12:59,028
‪萬一我只感覺風吹拂過
‪我裸露的私處，那可怎麼辦？”

207
00:13:02,323 --> 00:13:06,703
‪我還沒準備好
‪接受這種程度的拒絕，好吧？

208
00:13:07,748 --> 00:13:09,998
‪我在“小疫疫”期間還明白了一件事

209
00:13:10,083 --> 00:13:13,793
‪你可以網購一瓶優酪乳油沙拉醬
‪並要求送貨上門

210
00:13:15,463 --> 00:13:17,883
‪不過這要花你20美元

211
00:13:19,133 --> 00:13:22,343
‪所以我吃素，謝謝

212
00:13:22,428 --> 00:13:25,223
‪謝謝，她是英雄
‪這是我必須承受的宿命

213
00:13:25,305 --> 00:13:26,390
‪謝謝

214
00:13:26,473 --> 00:13:28,225
‪於是我做了一些純素

215
00:13:28,308 --> 00:13:30,185
‪雞塊，我要吃雞塊

216
00:13:30,268 --> 00:13:31,395
‪純素雞塊

217
00:13:31,603 --> 00:13:32,648
‪怎麼…

218
00:13:34,398 --> 00:13:36,900
‪為什麼英文裡的純素詞彙
‪都包含“K”和撇號？

219
00:13:36,983 --> 00:13:38,693
‪它們顯然不屬於這裡

220
00:13:39,863 --> 00:13:41,073
‪它們心想：“是雞肉，不是雞肉

221
00:13:41,198 --> 00:13:42,198
‪是雞肉”

222
00:13:42,280 --> 00:13:43,198
‪所以…

223
00:13:45,243 --> 00:13:47,203
‪我做的是純素雞塊

224
00:13:47,285 --> 00:13:49,163
‪我吃素，對

225
00:13:49,248 --> 00:13:51,208
‪事先聲明，我是純素主義者，好嗎？

226
00:13:51,290 --> 00:13:52,625
‪只吃雞蛋

227
00:13:53,000 --> 00:13:54,043
‪嗯…

228
00:13:54,335 --> 00:13:55,963
‪偶爾吃卡夫沙拉醬

229
00:13:56,045 --> 00:13:57,295
‪偶爾來一兩根肋骨

230
00:13:57,378 --> 00:13:59,508
‪好吧，也許我不是純素主義者

231
00:13:59,590 --> 00:14:00,925
‪不過問題的關鍵是

232
00:14:01,008 --> 00:14:03,010
‪我自認為是純素主義者

233
00:14:03,843 --> 00:14:04,845
‪好吧？

234
00:14:04,928 --> 00:14:07,473
‪我是吃素的蕾切爾多爾扎爾

235
00:14:07,558 --> 00:14:08,598
‪好嗎？

236
00:14:12,813 --> 00:14:15,063
‪所以我做了純素雞塊

237
00:14:15,148 --> 00:14:17,023
‪我想蘸沙拉醬吃

238
00:14:17,108 --> 00:14:19,860
‪於是我打開外送平台下單購買沙拉醬

239
00:14:19,943 --> 00:14:22,113
‪然後等著送貨上門

240
00:14:22,195 --> 00:14:23,280
‪叮咚，沙拉醬到了

241
00:14:23,363 --> 00:14:24,698
‪我打開門

242
00:14:24,783 --> 00:14:27,158
‪只有光禿禿的一瓶沙拉醬在那裡

243
00:14:32,248 --> 00:14:34,375
‪沒有包裝袋，什麼都沒有

244
00:14:36,793 --> 00:14:41,133
‪我花了20塊錢，你至少該給個袋子

245
00:14:41,215 --> 00:14:43,133
‪或者讓我爽一下吧

246
00:14:44,635 --> 00:14:47,095
‪想像一下有一個瓶子
‪上面寫道：“不給小費就撓癢癢”

247
00:14:50,183 --> 00:14:52,100
‪我忍不住想

248
00:14:52,183 --> 00:14:54,520
‪外送小哥看到這個會是什麼感受

249
00:14:54,603 --> 00:14:56,563
‪他們在“小疫疫”期間也辛苦工作

250
00:14:56,648 --> 00:14:58,898
‪他們心想
‪“我在為人們送生活必需品

251
00:14:58,983 --> 00:15:00,943
‪我的工作多麼神聖

252
00:15:02,443 --> 00:15:05,073
‪區區一瓶沙拉醬？

253
00:15:08,158 --> 00:15:10,078
‪這個女人要我冒著生命危險

254
00:15:10,160 --> 00:15:11,413
‪給她送調味醬？

255
00:15:13,455 --> 00:15:15,623
‪不行，不能給她袋子，不可能

256
00:15:15,708 --> 00:15:16,958
‪不行

257
00:15:17,043 --> 00:15:20,378
‪什麼？讓她的鄰居以為
‪她訂購的是生活必需品？

258
00:15:20,463 --> 00:15:22,255
‪不可能！

259
00:15:22,338 --> 00:15:23,548
‪臭女人！”

260
00:15:29,348 --> 00:15:31,265
‪2020年的年底

261
00:15:31,348 --> 00:15:33,893
‪我扭傷了腳踝

262
00:15:33,975 --> 00:15:36,978
‪對，因為上帝說
‪“我的孩子，去死吧”

263
00:15:41,233 --> 00:15:45,613
‪我扭傷了腳踝，我從樓梯上摔了下來

264
00:15:46,573 --> 00:15:49,700
‪因為我迫不及待地想出門

265
00:15:51,578 --> 00:15:54,788
‪然後我不得不去了格倫代爾紀念醫院

266
00:15:54,873 --> 00:15:58,375
‪你如果住在大洛杉磯地區

267
00:15:58,458 --> 00:16:00,378
‪聽我一句勸
‪千萬別去這家醫院，好嗎？

268
00:16:01,713 --> 00:16:03,463
‪那裡給我的體驗很不好

269
00:16:04,633 --> 00:16:06,343
‪老實說，非常差勁

270
00:16:06,425 --> 00:16:09,345
‪一個護士想偷我的內褲

271
00:16:10,888 --> 00:16:12,638
‪這個事情等會兒再說，首先

272
00:16:14,975 --> 00:16:18,520
‪我坐救護車，用了保險後

273
00:16:18,603 --> 00:16:20,688
‪一共還花了700美元！

274
00:16:20,773 --> 00:16:22,565
‪沒人給我一口水喝

275
00:16:22,648 --> 00:16:26,778
‪我心想：“這是我經歷過
‪最糟糕的優步服務”

276
00:16:26,863 --> 00:16:29,698
‪天哪，而且這家醫院

277
00:16:29,783 --> 00:16:31,783
‪從我家客廳拿了個枕頭

278
00:16:31,868 --> 00:16:33,993
‪來給我墊腿

279
00:16:40,418 --> 00:16:42,920
‪不斷有人從我旁邊走過
‪他們說：“塔吉特”

280
00:16:43,213 --> 00:16:44,505
‪我說：“不，人類

281
00:16:44,630 --> 00:16:45,923
‪我感覺很好”

282
00:16:51,928 --> 00:16:56,643
‪而且他們用七個男人
‪把我從家裡抬出來

283
00:16:56,725 --> 00:16:58,685
‪我心想：“我是應該感到難為情呢

284
00:16:58,768 --> 00:17:01,230
‪還是應該和他們來個群交呢？”

285
00:17:02,858 --> 00:17:04,525
‪不過我一點也不開心

286
00:17:04,608 --> 00:17:06,985
‪也沒有什麼群交

287
00:17:07,068 --> 00:17:09,113
‪到了醫院，我說

288
00:17:09,195 --> 00:17:11,573
‪“打擾一下，能給我一點止疼藥嗎？

289
00:17:11,658 --> 00:17:13,658
‪我感覺很不好”

290
00:17:13,743 --> 00:17:15,368
‪然後護士說：“好的”

291
00:17:15,453 --> 00:17:18,455
‪他給我掛上點滴開始輸液

292
00:17:18,538 --> 00:17:20,623
‪然後我心想：“好耶，她還活著”

293
00:17:20,708 --> 00:17:23,003
‪但我轉念一想
‪“不對，我還在那裡躺著”

294
00:17:23,085 --> 00:17:24,463
‪那到底是什麼東西？

295
00:17:24,545 --> 00:17:26,003
‪然後他說那是安慰劑

296
00:17:26,088 --> 00:17:27,965
‪只是注射的生理鹽水

297
00:17:28,048 --> 00:17:30,968
‪我說：“先生，我的腳踝好像骨折了

298
00:17:31,050 --> 00:17:33,845
‪你最好給我用點真東西”

299
00:17:33,928 --> 00:17:35,473
‪不曉得大家知不知道

300
00:17:35,598 --> 00:17:38,018
‪和白人比起來，醫院很少

301
00:17:38,100 --> 00:17:39,935
‪給黑人和棕色人種開阿片類藥物

302
00:17:40,018 --> 00:17:42,898
‪所以白人對海洛因的上癮率更高

303
00:17:42,980 --> 00:17:45,273
‪於是我心想：“嗯？

304
00:17:45,358 --> 00:17:47,903
‪種族歧視偶爾也有好處？”

305
00:17:53,948 --> 00:17:58,870
‪這還幫黑人和棕色人種
‪避開了阿片類藥物危機呢

306
00:17:58,953 --> 00:18:02,458
‪說回那個想偷我內褲的護士

307
00:18:06,588 --> 00:18:08,880
‪我躺在病床上，我說

308
00:18:08,963 --> 00:18:10,633
‪“打擾一下，我想尿尿”

309
00:18:10,715 --> 00:18:13,635
‪他回答說：“不行，妳不能走路”

310
00:18:17,180 --> 00:18:21,100
‪我說：“醫院裡不能走路的人那麼多

311
00:18:21,185 --> 00:18:22,353
‪他們是怎麼小便的？”

312
00:18:22,435 --> 00:18:24,730
‪他說：“我去叫珍妮過來”

313
00:18:24,813 --> 00:18:27,733
‪我說：“珍妮是誰？”

314
00:18:27,818 --> 00:18:29,443
‪她是什麼人？小便耳語者？

315
00:18:29,528 --> 00:18:30,818
‪這到底是怎麼回事？

316
00:18:30,903 --> 00:18:34,030
‪然後珍妮過來了
‪我來模仿一下她的語調，她說

317
00:18:34,113 --> 00:18:36,868
‪“糟了！

318
00:18:36,950 --> 00:18:39,035
‪妳想噓噓了”

319
00:18:46,293 --> 00:18:48,045
‪我說：“是的，珍妮

320
00:18:48,128 --> 00:18:50,088
‪我必須去噓噓”

321
00:18:51,130 --> 00:18:53,343
‪然後她開始給我講解一台機器怎麼用

322
00:18:53,425 --> 00:18:55,468
‪她說：“好的，這是一個罐子

323
00:18:55,553 --> 00:18:56,803
‪這是一根軟管

324
00:18:56,888 --> 00:18:58,888
‪把它架好，然後把這個小東西

325
00:18:58,973 --> 00:19:00,683
‪放進妳的‘妹妹’裡”

326
00:19:00,765 --> 00:19:02,393
‪我一臉懵：“妹妹？”

327
00:19:03,435 --> 00:19:04,645
‪妹妹？

328
00:19:04,728 --> 00:19:06,563
‪請使用醫學術語：“陰道”

329
00:19:09,358 --> 00:19:10,983
‪這是做什麼？成熟點

330
00:19:11,068 --> 00:19:12,068
‪於是

331
00:19:12,693 --> 00:19:14,655
‪我把它放進我的“妹妹”

332
00:19:14,738 --> 00:19:16,155
‪然後珍妮說

333
00:19:16,240 --> 00:19:19,118
‪“好了，來吧！”

334
00:19:21,118 --> 00:19:23,038
‪於是我就開始尿

335
00:19:23,123 --> 00:19:26,250
‪我的身下濕了一片

336
00:19:27,418 --> 00:19:29,460
‪我看著珍妮，說

337
00:19:29,545 --> 00:19:31,170
‪“我覺得不管用”

338
00:19:33,008 --> 00:19:34,048
‪然後珍妮說

339
00:19:34,133 --> 00:19:37,093
‪“糟了

340
00:19:37,178 --> 00:19:39,428
‪我們得把妳清理乾淨！”

341
00:19:39,513 --> 00:19:43,518
‪然後珍妮開始幫我清理
‪好像我是個巨嬰一樣

342
00:19:43,600 --> 00:19:46,060
‪她唱道：“右邊屁股擦擦

343
00:19:46,143 --> 00:19:47,353
‪左邊屁股擦擦

344
00:19:47,478 --> 00:19:48,773
‪股溝裡面擦擦

345
00:19:48,855 --> 00:19:49,898
‪妳的屁屁真可愛”

346
00:19:57,863 --> 00:19:59,783
‪她沒有用唱的

347
00:19:59,868 --> 00:20:03,288
‪只是哼哼，不過我覺得那樣更變態

348
00:20:03,370 --> 00:20:04,955
‪等清理完了，她說

349
00:20:05,038 --> 00:20:07,498
‪“我們得把妳的褲褲脫掉
‪都濕透了”

350
00:20:08,083 --> 00:20:09,628
‪我說：“珍妮，沒濕

351
00:20:09,710 --> 00:20:10,668
‪我剛才把它褪得很低”

352
00:20:10,753 --> 00:20:12,378
‪她說：“快脫下來”

353
00:20:12,463 --> 00:20:14,048
‪我說：“不要啊，拜託不要”

354
00:20:14,130 --> 00:20:15,673
‪她說：“快脫”，我說：“不要啊”

355
00:20:15,758 --> 00:20:18,178
‪我們兩人拉著我的內褲玩拔河

356
00:20:18,260 --> 00:20:20,803
‪直到我忍無可忍
‪“珍妮，該死的，它沒濕！”

357
00:20:20,888 --> 00:20:22,263
‪然後珍妮說…

358
00:20:23,183 --> 00:20:24,473
‪然後…

359
00:20:36,738 --> 00:20:39,155
‪然後我還是

360
00:20:39,238 --> 00:20:41,325
‪在該死的病床上躺著

361
00:20:41,408 --> 00:20:42,743
‪我在那躺了很久

362
00:20:42,825 --> 00:20:44,493
‪足足待了八小時

363
00:20:44,578 --> 00:20:46,788
‪打卡上班，又打卡下班，然後…

364
00:20:48,290 --> 00:20:50,375
‪我又看向那個護士，我說

365
00:20:50,458 --> 00:20:51,793
‪“打擾一下

366
00:20:51,878 --> 00:20:54,213
‪我又想尿尿了”

367
00:20:54,295 --> 00:20:57,590
‪他說：“我去叫珍妮過來”

368
00:20:57,673 --> 00:20:59,843
‪我說：“對，叫珍妮過來”

369
00:21:04,973 --> 00:21:07,018
‪於是珍妮又回來了，她說

370
00:21:07,100 --> 00:21:09,103
‪“還來？”

371
00:21:10,313 --> 00:21:12,983
‪我說：“是的，又是妳這個
‪該死的天線寶寶”

372
00:21:16,610 --> 00:21:17,818
‪於是我們又重複了一遍前面的操作

373
00:21:17,903 --> 00:21:19,113
‪我把那東西放入我的“妹妹”

374
00:21:19,445 --> 00:21:20,613
‪唯一的不同是

375
00:21:20,698 --> 00:21:23,075
‪那個護士這次沒有離開病房

376
00:21:23,158 --> 00:21:24,325
‪珍妮說

377
00:21:24,408 --> 00:21:26,828
‪“好了，來吧！”

378
00:21:26,913 --> 00:21:29,038
‪還沒等我開始尿，另一個護士說

379
00:21:29,123 --> 00:21:31,418
‪“等等，珍妮，妳沒有打開機器”

380
00:21:39,883 --> 00:21:42,178
‪你們有沒有覺得

381
00:21:42,260 --> 00:21:45,263
‪珍妮的癖好很特別？

382
00:21:52,520 --> 00:21:56,443
‪她千辛萬苦從護士學校畢業

383
00:21:56,525 --> 00:21:58,903
‪在醫院找了份工作

384
00:21:58,985 --> 00:22:01,780
‪然後手指交叉祈禱
‪“千萬別出什麼岔子

385
00:22:01,863 --> 00:22:04,073
‪我要幫這個黑肥妞收拾爛攤子

386
00:22:04,158 --> 00:22:06,535
‪把我的口袋裝滿小褲褲”

387
00:22:17,503 --> 00:22:18,713
‪那一聲笑

388
00:22:21,215 --> 00:22:24,763
‪我有很多時間可以在家養病

389
00:22:24,845 --> 00:22:26,973
‪我看了很多電視節目

390
00:22:27,055 --> 00:22:29,058
‪消化裡面的內容

391
00:22:29,140 --> 00:22:32,060
‪我看了一部關於三K黨的紀錄片

392
00:22:32,143 --> 00:22:34,688
‪《美麗的星期二，輕鬆又愜意》

393
00:22:36,188 --> 00:22:38,900
‪我正看著，電視裡的男人說

394
00:22:38,983 --> 00:22:40,528
‪“我是大巫師”

395
00:22:40,610 --> 00:22:42,113
‪我心想：“搞什麼？”

396
00:22:43,198 --> 00:22:44,448
‪然後他朋友說

397
00:22:44,530 --> 00:22:46,115
‪“我是一條巨龍”

398
00:22:46,198 --> 00:22:47,283
‪我說：“嘿

399
00:22:47,993 --> 00:22:50,078
‪這有點像《哈利波特》裡面的情節”

400
00:22:51,288 --> 00:22:53,665
‪於是我做了一些調查性報導

401
00:22:53,748 --> 00:22:55,000
‪然後把它公之於眾

402
00:22:55,083 --> 00:22:57,585
‪我查看維基百科…

403
00:22:59,463 --> 00:23:01,715
‪你們聽我說

404
00:23:01,798 --> 00:23:03,883
‪我覺得哈利波特的原型

405
00:23:03,968 --> 00:23:06,928
‪就是三K黨

406
00:23:10,183 --> 00:23:12,768
‪隨我一起瞭解一下吧！

407
00:23:18,063 --> 00:23:20,900
‪三K黨裡面有大巫師

408
00:23:20,983 --> 00:23:21,985
‪哈利是什麼？

409
00:23:22,068 --> 00:23:23,903
‪大巫師啊

410
00:23:23,988 --> 00:23:25,780
‪三K黨成員穿連帽斗篷

411
00:23:25,863 --> 00:23:27,365
‪霍格華茲學院裡面的人穿什麼呢？

412
00:23:27,448 --> 00:23:28,825
‪連帽斗篷

413
00:23:28,908 --> 00:23:32,453
‪三K黨裡有“夜鷹”和“大土耳其”

414
00:23:32,538 --> 00:23:36,333
‪我心想：“這不就是
‪禁林裡面的東西嗎？”

415
00:23:36,415 --> 00:23:38,793
‪三K黨的大前提…“前提”

416
00:23:40,420 --> 00:23:41,588
‪什麼？

417
00:23:42,923 --> 00:23:45,550
‪不對，應該說三K黨這整件事…

418
00:23:50,680 --> 00:23:54,143
‪它的目的是把白人和黑人區分開

419
00:23:54,225 --> 00:23:56,435
‪而哈利波特的大前提是

420
00:23:56,520 --> 00:24:00,233
‪把魔法界和非魔法界的人區分開

421
00:24:00,315 --> 00:24:01,900
‪所以…

422
00:24:01,983 --> 00:24:04,610
‪按照我的邏輯

423
00:24:04,693 --> 00:24:06,320
‪這個尚待查證，好吧？

424
00:24:06,403 --> 00:24:08,365
‪非魔法界的人

425
00:24:08,448 --> 00:24:09,698
‪代表黑人

426
00:24:09,783 --> 00:24:11,743
‪書上管他們叫“麻瓜”

427
00:24:11,828 --> 00:24:13,663
‪對他們還有一種蔑稱，叫“泥巴種”

428
00:24:13,745 --> 00:24:16,413
‪他們其實相當於
‪魔法世界裡的“黑鬼”

429
00:24:16,498 --> 00:24:18,708
‪而且霍格華茲學院
‪也開設麻瓜研究課程

430
00:24:18,793 --> 00:24:20,460
‪我心想：“咦？

431
00:24:20,543 --> 00:24:22,713
‪這不就是‘黑人歷史月’嗎？”

432
00:24:24,505 --> 00:24:27,300
‪說真的，我覺得JKKKK羅琳

433
00:24:35,683 --> 00:24:37,728
‪當初應該是坐在咖啡館裡

434
00:24:37,810 --> 00:24:40,563
‪從寫作和憎恨變性者的情緒裡抽身
‪稍微休息一下

435
00:24:40,648 --> 00:24:42,523
‪然後…

436
00:24:43,943 --> 00:24:45,360
‪這是一份全職工作

437
00:24:45,443 --> 00:24:47,238
‪然後

438
00:24:47,320 --> 00:24:49,113
‪她瀏覽著網路

439
00:24:49,198 --> 00:24:50,323
‪然後突發奇想：“噢，三K黨

440
00:24:50,408 --> 00:24:54,328
‪這也太可怕了吧

441
00:24:54,410 --> 00:24:58,748
‪不過，也真夠異想天開！”

442
00:24:59,958 --> 00:25:02,918
‪大家想想，哈利是一半麻瓜一半巫師

443
00:25:03,003 --> 00:25:04,670
‪他是混血，妙麗是麻瓜

444
00:25:04,753 --> 00:25:06,840
‪是黑人，榮恩是巫師，是白人

445
00:25:06,923 --> 00:25:08,550
‪仔細想想

446
00:25:08,633 --> 00:25:10,635
‪哈利波特其實講了
‪一個混血男孩的故事

447
00:25:10,718 --> 00:25:12,553
‪他的黑人朋友，以及覺醒的白人朋友

448
00:25:12,638 --> 00:25:16,265
‪他們一起努力推翻
‪魔法世界的種族父權制！

449
00:25:20,770 --> 00:25:22,938
‪我亟需做愛，好嗎？

450
00:25:30,948 --> 00:25:32,448
‪自從我們假裝“小疫疫”結束後

451
00:25:32,533 --> 00:25:35,078
‪我就經常出差

452
00:25:36,953 --> 00:25:38,038
‪它沒有結束

453
00:25:39,288 --> 00:25:41,083
‪我去了賓州

454
00:25:41,165 --> 00:25:43,208
‪咦，呃，噢！

455
00:25:44,210 --> 00:25:45,003
‪噢！

456
00:25:45,088 --> 00:25:47,880
‪簡直是一片矩形的垃圾場，真的

457
00:25:50,300 --> 00:25:52,385
‪從費城一路到“屎”茲堡

458
00:25:52,468 --> 00:25:54,138
‪全部丟掉

459
00:25:55,888 --> 00:25:58,850
‪現場觀眾有人來自賓州嗎？

460
00:25:58,933 --> 00:26:00,478
‪無論如何我都支持

461
00:26:02,270 --> 00:26:06,108
‪你逃離了，你離開那裡是有道理的

462
00:26:06,190 --> 00:26:10,988
‪我開車穿過這個矩形垃圾場

463
00:26:11,070 --> 00:26:13,323
‪到了白避風港，汽車沒油了

464
00:26:13,408 --> 00:26:15,283
‪我真走運

465
00:26:21,080 --> 00:26:23,500
‪一聽見我倒楣，你們就笑得特別開心

466
00:26:25,960 --> 00:26:28,045
‪我把車開進一個加油站

467
00:26:28,128 --> 00:26:29,505
‪我從租的車裡下來

468
00:26:29,588 --> 00:26:32,925
‪把信用卡插進加油機
‪但它不接受信用卡

469
00:26:33,008 --> 00:26:34,218
‪我暗自咒駡：“什麼鬼？”

470
00:26:34,303 --> 00:26:36,428
‪我不得不進店裡，我走進去說

471
00:26:36,513 --> 00:26:38,558
‪“嘿，打擾一下，加箱油，謝謝”

472
00:26:41,225 --> 00:26:44,063
‪我不知道怎麼買汽油

473
00:26:44,145 --> 00:26:48,190
‪我是紐澤西人
‪在那裡擅自加油是違法的

474
00:26:48,858 --> 00:26:51,653
‪好吧，確實有點老土

475
00:26:53,405 --> 00:26:56,408
‪在紐澤西，我們是汽車的國王和王后

476
00:26:57,575 --> 00:26:59,203
‪我們搖下車窗說

477
00:26:59,285 --> 00:27:01,413
‪“勞駕，最便宜的油，加滿”

478
00:27:04,623 --> 00:27:06,710
‪話說回來，我說：“加箱油，謝謝”

479
00:27:07,878 --> 00:27:11,965
‪裡面有兩個胖子白種男
‪其中一個只有六顆牙齒

480
00:27:13,593 --> 00:27:16,343
‪不知為何，他們帶有南方口音

481
00:27:18,680 --> 00:27:20,765
‪我說：“噢，我的天哪

482
00:27:21,558 --> 00:27:23,518
‪我還是走吧”

483
00:27:30,693 --> 00:27:32,028
‪於是我就走了

484
00:27:32,110 --> 00:27:34,903
‪我向我的車走去

485
00:27:34,988 --> 00:27:36,613
‪我真是笨手笨腳的

486
00:27:36,698 --> 00:27:39,325
‪我走下馬路牙子時扭傷了腳踝

487
00:27:39,408 --> 00:27:41,160
‪然後我滿腦子想的是

488
00:27:41,243 --> 00:27:43,830
‪“黑人就是這麼死的”

489
00:27:43,913 --> 00:27:46,040
‪我一瘸一拐地走向我的車

490
00:27:46,123 --> 00:27:48,878
‪一面回頭看
‪一面一瘸一拐地走向我的車

491
00:27:48,960 --> 00:27:50,920
‪再回頭看

492
00:27:51,003 --> 00:27:53,798
‪不過他們不可能追上來，他們太胖了

493
00:27:53,883 --> 00:27:54,923
‪而且

494
00:27:56,675 --> 00:28:00,263
‪你們覺得他們
‪往窗外看時會怎麼想呢？

495
00:28:00,348 --> 00:28:01,765
‪他們會不會想

496
00:28:01,848 --> 00:28:05,185
‪“噢，看那個黑人美女
‪在跳《顫慄》舞”

497
00:28:16,153 --> 00:28:19,323
‪此外，我還去了威斯康辛州阿爾普頓

498
00:28:19,408 --> 00:28:22,743
‪天哪，多可愛的城市名字啊

499
00:28:22,828 --> 00:28:24,913
‪威斯康辛州阿爾普頓

500
00:28:25,080 --> 00:28:26,498
‪然後等妳到了那裡，它彷彿在對妳說

501
00:28:26,580 --> 00:28:28,083
‪“妳上當啦，我們是垃圾！”

502
00:28:32,795 --> 00:28:35,758
‪我不想說
‪來看我節目的每個人都很糟糕

503
00:28:35,840 --> 00:28:39,260
‪不過很多人的行為都很惡劣

504
00:28:39,343 --> 00:28:42,888
‪他們好像吃了太多乳酪
‪忘記了如何做人一樣

505
00:28:44,140 --> 00:28:47,768
‪我在做節目時
‪遇到一個過生日的白人女性

506
00:28:50,105 --> 00:28:51,773
‪對，你們已經知道了

507
00:28:54,943 --> 00:28:58,153
‪這世上幾乎再沒有一種生物

508
00:28:58,238 --> 00:29:01,740
‪比過生日的白人女性

509
00:29:01,825 --> 00:29:05,288
‪更喧鬧或更強勢

510
00:29:05,370 --> 00:29:07,413
‪白人女性可能會偷一個寶寶，然後說

511
00:29:07,498 --> 00:29:09,790
‪“今天是我生日！”

512
00:29:17,590 --> 00:29:19,758
‪從法律上講，那是她的孩子

513
00:29:26,140 --> 00:29:29,310
‪我遇到的這個過生日的白人女性

514
00:29:29,393 --> 00:29:30,853
‪我們姑且叫她…

515
00:29:30,938 --> 00:29:33,063
‪克麗絲塔吧

516
00:29:33,148 --> 00:29:34,648
‪因為這是她的名字

517
00:29:37,193 --> 00:29:38,403
‪我怎麼知道她的名字？

518
00:29:38,488 --> 00:29:41,113
‪她自己在我的節目上說
‪“我是克麗絲塔

519
00:29:41,198 --> 00:29:43,868
‪今天是我生日！”

520
00:29:47,788 --> 00:29:50,373
‪然後我就斥責了她

521
00:29:51,540 --> 00:29:53,043
‪告訴你們一件事

522
00:29:53,125 --> 00:29:56,338
‪克麗絲塔，天哪，她不高興了

523
00:29:57,505 --> 00:30:02,343
‪因為克麗絲塔進化成了她的究極體

524
00:30:03,428 --> 00:30:06,305
‪過生日的哭泣白人女性

525
00:30:08,390 --> 00:30:12,438
‪過生日的哭泣白人女性
‪就像《寶可夢》世界裡的超夢

526
00:30:16,815 --> 00:30:18,818
‪過生日的哭泣白人女性

527
00:30:18,903 --> 00:30:20,110
‪就像薩諾斯的手套

528
00:30:21,403 --> 00:30:23,198
‪懂我意思嗎？

529
00:30:23,280 --> 00:30:27,203
‪過生日的哭泣白人女性是常識的剋星

530
00:30:27,285 --> 00:30:28,453
‪好嗎？

531
00:30:28,663 --> 00:30:30,413
‪我在酒吧的洗手間

532
00:30:30,498 --> 00:30:32,665
‪看見一個女人在哭
‪旁邊圍著另外幾個女人，她們說

533
00:30:33,083 --> 00:30:35,043
‪“誰來幫幫她，今天是她生日！”

534
00:30:50,183 --> 00:30:52,893
‪我能告訴你們一件事嗎？

535
00:30:52,978 --> 00:30:56,148
‪看著克麗絲塔哭，我心裡暗爽

536
00:31:01,818 --> 00:31:06,073
‪我心想：“今天是我生日嗎？”

537
00:31:06,158 --> 00:31:10,203
‪因為我吸取了白人女性的力量和能量

538
00:31:10,288 --> 00:31:12,205
‪看著她哭，我心想

539
00:31:19,545 --> 00:31:22,383
‪“我是《女巫也瘋狂》裡的
‪貝特米德勒，好吧？

540
00:31:27,303 --> 00:31:30,848
‪我一直在吸取能量
‪於是我也進化成了我的究極體

541
00:31:30,933 --> 00:31:34,393
‪一個毫不做作的黑人女性
‪不在乎妳是不是在哭

542
00:31:34,478 --> 00:31:36,063
‪或者今天是不是妳生日”

543
00:31:39,273 --> 00:31:42,360
‪很抱歉，我不在乎！

544
00:31:43,028 --> 00:31:46,488
‪因為如果每當不順心我就哭

545
00:31:46,573 --> 00:31:48,533
‪我會變成一個行走的游泳池

546
00:31:48,618 --> 00:31:50,868
‪我不能把這頂假髮弄濕，它好貴的

547
00:31:51,995 --> 00:31:52,995
‪其實是免費的啦

548
00:31:53,078 --> 00:31:54,123
‪我…

549
00:31:57,293 --> 00:31:59,253
‪我看了很多

550
00:31:59,335 --> 00:32:01,795
‪《瘋狂凱倫》視頻

551
00:32:02,505 --> 00:32:04,173
‪你們都看了嗎？

552
00:32:05,425 --> 00:32:08,428
‪我的天哪，她們太瘋狂了

553
00:32:08,510 --> 00:32:10,095
‪我喜歡

554
00:32:10,178 --> 00:32:12,848
‪看的時候，我常常想

555
00:32:12,933 --> 00:32:15,893
‪誰會在家等妳呢？

556
00:32:16,560 --> 00:32:19,773
‪誰會愛上妳這種人呢？

557
00:32:19,855 --> 00:32:20,898
‪真的

558
00:32:20,983 --> 00:32:23,233
‪妳的孩子會不會坐在沙發上

559
00:32:23,318 --> 00:32:25,278
‪翻看照片牆，突然驚呼

560
00:32:25,363 --> 00:32:26,903
‪“媽媽！”

561
00:32:28,155 --> 00:32:30,575
‪妳穿著同一件衣服回家，他大驚

562
00:32:30,658 --> 00:32:33,328
‪“妳是剛從仇恨犯罪現場回來嗎？”

563
00:32:41,003 --> 00:32:44,755
‪如果你的另一半是那副樣子
‪你會跟她說什麼？

564
00:32:44,838 --> 00:32:47,800
‪你會不會等到夜幕降臨把她吃掉？

565
00:32:47,883 --> 00:32:48,968
‪不會啦，開個玩笑

566
00:32:49,843 --> 00:32:51,470
‪沒人吃這些女人

567
00:32:51,553 --> 00:32:54,058
‪沒人！

568
00:32:54,140 --> 00:32:57,893
‪否則她們就
‪不會在公共場合大喊大叫了

569
00:32:57,978 --> 00:33:02,148
‪這還滿諷刺的，我自己
‪就在大庭廣眾下對你們大喊大叫

570
00:33:02,233 --> 00:33:04,275
‪更應該被吃掉的人是我

571
00:33:05,735 --> 00:33:07,570
‪不過，我在看視頻時

572
00:33:07,653 --> 00:33:11,198
‪發現凱倫的情緒只有三級模式

573
00:33:11,283 --> 00:33:14,493
‪第一級，她生氣了，她說：“對

574
00:33:14,578 --> 00:33:18,330
‪我讓那個棕色皮膚的女人
‪滾回她的棕色國家

575
00:33:18,413 --> 00:33:19,333
‪那又怎樣？”

576
00:33:25,548 --> 00:33:27,048
‪第二級，她的生氣程度稍微提高

577
00:33:27,133 --> 00:33:28,173
‪她說：“對

578
00:33:28,258 --> 00:33:31,385
‪我讓那個棕色女人滾回她的棕色國家

579
00:33:31,760 --> 00:33:34,388
‪而且我覺得她在商店偷東西
‪因為我看見她眼光閃爍

580
00:33:34,930 --> 00:33:36,598
‪不，我不在這裡工作

581
00:33:36,683 --> 00:33:38,558
‪不，我從沒來這裡購物過

582
00:33:38,643 --> 00:33:40,143
‪還有，這些凱西商品打折嗎？”

583
00:33:45,190 --> 00:33:48,028
‪第三級，我管它叫“究極體凱倫”

584
00:33:48,738 --> 00:33:50,613
‪她在一個雜貨店裡

585
00:33:52,283 --> 00:33:54,658
‪一邊把購物車裡的東西往外扔

586
00:33:54,743 --> 00:33:57,578
‪一邊說：“對，我讓那個棕色女人
‪滾回她的棕色國家

587
00:33:57,663 --> 00:33:59,498
‪滾回她的棕色國家

588
00:33:59,580 --> 00:34:01,998
‪不，我不吃葡萄乾
‪它們就像乾癟的黑人

589
00:34:06,628 --> 00:34:09,633
‪不，我不吃棗子
‪它們就像又老又肥的黑人

590
00:34:10,383 --> 00:34:11,800
‪椒鹽餅乾？我不吃

591
00:34:11,883 --> 00:34:13,928
‪有彈性的黑人

592
00:34:14,013 --> 00:34:16,180
‪我不吃薑餅人

593
00:34:16,555 --> 00:34:19,308
‪它們就像闊氣的裸體黑人

594
00:34:20,018 --> 00:34:21,143
‪他們既然這麼闊氣

595
00:34:21,228 --> 00:34:23,228
‪為什麼赤身裸體，不穿衣服？

596
00:34:24,023 --> 00:34:25,105
‪對，我叫她‘黑鬼’

597
00:34:25,188 --> 00:34:26,940
‪我還用了強調語氣

598
00:34:27,023 --> 00:34:29,735
‪不過你們不知道的是
‪我稍後會發道歉聲明

599
00:34:29,818 --> 00:34:31,653
‪因為我的狗死了

600
00:34:31,738 --> 00:34:33,448
‪所以真正的受害者是我，我！

601
00:34:33,990 --> 00:34:36,033
‪作為白人女性，我們都認為

602
00:34:36,118 --> 00:34:38,243
‪無論是面對四條腿的朋友還是狗

603
00:34:38,328 --> 00:34:39,913
‪我都是受害者

604
00:34:39,995 --> 00:34:42,333
‪因為我是白種女人！”

605
00:34:53,968 --> 00:34:56,388
‪現場的白人心想

606
00:34:59,765 --> 00:35:01,768
‪“噢，她在說我呢！”

607
00:35:02,728 --> 00:35:04,728
‪聽聽你們的朋友凱莉克拉克森怎麼說

608
00:35:04,813 --> 00:35:07,148
‪許下心願，抓住機會，遠走他鄉

609
00:35:24,415 --> 00:35:25,918
‪好累

610
00:35:26,958 --> 00:35:28,418
‪太累了

611
00:35:28,503 --> 00:35:30,963
‪前幾天，我在洗澡的時候剃陰毛

612
00:35:31,798 --> 00:35:33,883
‪中途覺得累了

613
00:35:35,258 --> 00:35:37,178
‪於是我就停下來

614
00:35:38,595 --> 00:35:40,388
‪為了自我安慰

615
00:35:40,473 --> 00:35:43,143
‪我說：“噢，妮可
‪這絕對要洗兩次澡才能刮完”

616
00:35:47,438 --> 00:35:49,440
‪到現在都沒刮完

617
00:35:51,443 --> 00:35:52,943
‪好累

618
00:35:53,028 --> 00:35:55,573
‪我在塔科馬講了這個段子
‪然後一位女士就衝我大吼

619
00:35:55,655 --> 00:35:57,823
‪“明明是洗三次澡才能刮完！”

620
00:36:01,910 --> 00:36:05,205
‪我忍不住想像她的陰部得多大啊

621
00:36:07,833 --> 00:36:09,918
‪因為我只有兩片嘴唇

622
00:36:10,003 --> 00:36:11,213
‪我…

623
00:36:16,593 --> 00:36:19,388
‪下節目後，我和一個觀眾上床了

624
00:36:19,470 --> 00:36:20,848
‪謝謝

625
00:36:23,098 --> 00:36:26,310
‪他是個愛爾蘭人，來自愛爾蘭

626
00:36:26,810 --> 00:36:28,813
‪所以他帶愛爾蘭口音

627
00:36:28,898 --> 00:36:30,690
‪他來的時候說

628
00:36:30,773 --> 00:36:32,318
‪“我知道是誰偷了我的護身符了”

629
00:36:36,445 --> 00:36:37,613
‪開個玩笑

630
00:36:37,698 --> 00:36:40,365
‪他其實是這樣說的

631
00:36:40,618 --> 00:36:43,618
‪“妳說妳一次只剃一半
‪不是開玩笑吧？現在剃到哪了？

632
00:36:51,043 --> 00:36:53,923
‪如果我們在愛爾蘭，我會管妳叫
‪‘分佈不均’的奧胡拉漢”

633
00:36:56,173 --> 00:36:57,300
‪我說

634
00:36:57,383 --> 00:37:00,428
‪“你們愛爾蘭人怎麼
‪在自己的酒店房間裡送客呢？”

635
00:37:03,473 --> 00:37:04,890
‪我累了

636
00:37:06,893 --> 00:37:09,438
‪累極了，我厭倦了各種翻拍電影

637
00:37:09,520 --> 00:37:10,980
‪話題轉換得真不錯，對吧？

638
00:37:11,063 --> 00:37:12,733
‪話說

639
00:37:12,815 --> 00:37:15,568
‪他們怎麼什麼都要翻拍？
‪我都已經看過了，認真的嗎？

640
00:37:16,068 --> 00:37:18,570
‪新版《獅子王》是拍給誰看的呀？

641
00:37:21,908 --> 00:37:25,328
‪哪個小孩看了原版《獅子王》會說

642
00:37:25,410 --> 00:37:29,123
‪“我知道牠們是獅子，但是，天哪

643
00:37:29,208 --> 00:37:31,918
‪牠們簡直太假了！”

644
00:37:35,838 --> 00:37:36,838
‪這是拍給誰看呢？

645
00:37:36,923 --> 00:37:38,508
‪然後碧昂絲出演娜娜

646
00:37:38,590 --> 00:37:39,883
‪誰同意的？

647
00:37:41,678 --> 00:37:43,763
‪是誰想到的這個餿主意？

648
00:37:44,388 --> 00:37:47,015
‪“辛巴，一起去酒吧玩”

649
00:37:55,233 --> 00:37:57,903
‪是誰想到的這個餿主意？

650
00:37:57,985 --> 00:38:01,113
‪如果你們不知道
‪碧昂絲說話的聲音是什麼樣

651
00:38:02,030 --> 00:38:04,368
‪今晚回家後，鑽進被窩

652
00:38:04,450 --> 00:38:06,368
‪打開油管，看段視頻，然後你會覺得

653
00:38:06,453 --> 00:38:08,870
‪“感覺還是挺好的

654
00:38:14,043 --> 00:38:16,795
‪不過我還是覺得碧昂絲氣場太強大了

655
00:38:16,878 --> 00:38:19,298
‪不適合出演配角

656
00:38:19,383 --> 00:38:21,968
‪如果真要請碧昂絲翻拍《獅子王》

657
00:38:22,050 --> 00:38:24,263
‪讓碧昂絲出演獅子王就好了嘛！

658
00:38:28,390 --> 00:38:30,308
‪不過那也很搞笑，辛巴”

659
00:38:30,728 --> 00:38:32,268
‪他們還…

660
00:38:36,690 --> 00:38:39,360
‪我們還翻拍了電影《男人百分百》？

661
00:38:39,443 --> 00:38:40,988
‪你們記得這部電影嗎？

662
00:38:41,863 --> 00:38:43,488
‪好吧，如果你們不記得了

663
00:38:43,573 --> 00:38:45,868
‪這部電影是梅爾吉勃遜主演的

664
00:38:45,950 --> 00:38:47,410
‪他會讀心術…好吧

665
00:38:47,493 --> 00:38:49,163
‪他可以…

666
00:38:55,293 --> 00:38:57,335
‪那一聲吼是獻給梅爾吉勃遜的嗎？

667
00:38:59,088 --> 00:39:01,090
‪你們這輩子有被隔離過嗎？

668
00:39:08,013 --> 00:39:12,268
‪好吧，女人們只想看
‪梅爾吉勃遜主演的電影

669
00:39:12,728 --> 00:39:14,688
‪他能讀懂女人的心事

670
00:39:14,770 --> 00:39:17,023
‪藉此來滿足女人真正的需要

671
00:39:17,105 --> 00:39:18,398
‪然後，梅爾吉勃遜說

672
00:39:18,483 --> 00:39:20,025
‪“這只是電影角色”

673
00:39:23,528 --> 00:39:24,405
‪整到他嘍

674
00:39:24,488 --> 00:39:26,573
‪然後

675
00:39:26,658 --> 00:39:29,203
‪這部電影被翻拍了
‪由塔拉吉漢森主演

676
00:39:29,285 --> 00:39:31,453
‪電影名叫《傾聽男人心》

677
00:39:31,538 --> 00:39:33,373
‪我心想：“啊？

678
00:39:33,455 --> 00:39:35,333
‪我們已經知道

679
00:39:36,958 --> 00:39:38,378
‪男人想要什麼了

680
00:39:39,253 --> 00:39:40,963
‪為何還要翻拍這部電影？什麼玩意？

681
00:39:41,298 --> 00:39:43,633
‪不會是塔拉吉
‪一邊走來走去，心情愉快

682
00:39:43,798 --> 00:39:45,718
‪她看見一個男人，於是向他招手

683
00:39:45,803 --> 00:39:47,763
‪男人招手回應
‪然後她讀出了男人的心事

684
00:39:47,845 --> 00:39:48,803
‪男人滿腦子想的是

685
00:39:48,888 --> 00:39:50,598
‪‘我想讓妳吞下我的精液’吧”

686
00:39:55,770 --> 00:39:57,563
‪這到底是一部什麼樣的電影啊？

687
00:39:59,273 --> 00:40:01,693
‪難道一個半小時
‪全部演女主角如何擔驚受怕嗎？

688
00:40:01,775 --> 00:40:03,278
‪什麼玩意？

689
00:40:08,783 --> 00:40:11,160
‪你們可能會覺得我厭男

690
00:40:11,243 --> 00:40:13,163
‪沒錯

691
00:40:14,038 --> 00:40:15,705
‪我的確是

692
00:40:18,875 --> 00:40:22,798
‪很多男人
‪真的就像“垃圾箱”，好吧？

693
00:40:23,713 --> 00:40:25,843
‪不過我滿想交男朋友

694
00:40:27,635 --> 00:40:30,428
‪我想跳進“垃圾箱”吃屌

695
00:40:30,513 --> 00:40:31,930
‪懂我意思嗎？

696
00:40:32,013 --> 00:40:33,265
‪跳進垃圾箱，然後這樣…

697
00:40:35,350 --> 00:40:37,435
‪想像一下我吃屌的樣子

698
00:40:40,523 --> 00:40:42,693
‪就像在彈奏爵士薩克斯管一樣

699
00:40:45,945 --> 00:40:47,403
‪他說：“妳可以跪下來嗎？”

700
00:40:47,488 --> 00:40:49,073
‪我說：“接住我”

701
00:40:51,450 --> 00:40:52,953
‪我像《宿怨》裡面一樣
‪貼在天花板上

702
00:41:05,673 --> 00:41:07,383
‪今天年初，我做了一個決定

703
00:41:07,465 --> 00:41:09,635
‪我要逼迫自己跳出舒適區

704
00:41:09,718 --> 00:41:11,428
‪進行一些新嘗試

705
00:41:11,513 --> 00:41:13,013
‪肛交，不，開個玩笑

706
00:41:13,888 --> 00:41:15,933
‪不，我喜歡肛交，快給我潤滑

707
00:41:16,018 --> 00:41:17,143
‪可是

708
00:41:19,018 --> 00:41:22,273
‪最後我報名參加了電臀舞班

709
00:41:22,773 --> 00:41:25,693
‪到地方之後，我發現除了我
‪還有11個白人女性

710
00:41:27,820 --> 00:41:29,363
‪我比老師早到

711
00:41:29,448 --> 00:41:31,948
‪我的大肥臀一亮相
‪我感覺有11雙眼睛看著我，好像說

712
00:41:32,033 --> 00:41:33,493
‪“她來了

713
00:41:39,998 --> 00:41:42,458
‪她挺身而出來教我們電臀舞了”

714
00:41:43,753 --> 00:41:45,923
‪我在前面說過
‪我吸取了白人女性的力量

715
00:41:46,005 --> 00:41:47,255
‪和能量，我心想

716
00:41:49,133 --> 00:41:52,720
‪喔！貝基燒烤店，勞倫斯圖書館

717
00:41:52,803 --> 00:41:55,348
‪讓我來教你們怎麼跳電臀舞

718
00:41:56,308 --> 00:41:58,850
‪然後老師進來了
‪我慌忙說：“噢，您請”

719
00:42:01,063 --> 00:42:03,855
‪然後音樂響起，我完全沒有節奏感

720
00:42:05,108 --> 00:42:08,235
‪切身體會到這點的感覺糟透了

721
00:42:09,320 --> 00:42:11,448
‪我的屁股僵硬得像磚頭
‪根本扭不起來

722
00:42:11,530 --> 00:42:13,783
‪就好像我在下意識抗拒扭動，真的

723
00:42:15,158 --> 00:42:17,203
‪可是沒用，跟自由鐘一樣

724
00:42:17,285 --> 00:42:19,203
‪巨大無比，上面有條縫
‪人們喜歡排隊去看

725
00:42:19,330 --> 00:42:21,165
‪不過沒用，我討厭賓州

726
00:42:28,548 --> 00:42:31,218
‪自由鐘那裡設了金屬探測器

727
00:42:31,300 --> 00:42:33,510
‪不知道什麼人跑到大鐘前高聲喊

728
00:42:33,593 --> 00:42:35,095
‪“叮咚，開花的大隻玉米花！”

729
00:42:44,648 --> 00:42:46,690
‪下課後，我很難過

730
00:42:46,773 --> 00:42:49,193
‪我走到車旁，懊惱不已：“見鬼

731
00:42:49,693 --> 00:42:51,070
‪真該死

732
00:42:55,198 --> 00:42:56,575
‪我是差勁的黑人”

733
00:42:56,658 --> 00:42:58,078
‪等等

734
00:42:58,160 --> 00:43:00,578
‪不許你們白人學我說這個詞，好嗎？

735
00:43:01,830 --> 00:43:03,958
‪只有我能說，我是個差勁的黑人

736
00:43:04,040 --> 00:43:07,043
‪於是我開始想其他辦法
‪我是個差勁的黑人

737
00:43:07,128 --> 00:43:09,088
‪我長了一副貌似很會唱歌的樣子

738
00:43:15,678 --> 00:43:17,220
‪你們心想：“那女人是個靈魂歌者”

739
00:43:17,303 --> 00:43:18,555
‪不，我五音不全

740
00:43:18,638 --> 00:43:20,058
‪可是…

741
00:43:21,018 --> 00:43:22,728
‪每次我去卡拉OK

742
00:43:22,810 --> 00:43:25,063
‪別人都很興奮

743
00:43:25,145 --> 00:43:26,648
‪我一走進去，他們心想

744
00:43:28,565 --> 00:43:31,443
‪“來了個小艾瑞莎”

745
00:43:33,488 --> 00:43:36,240
‪“天哪，簡直跟減肥前的
‪珍妮佛哈德森一模一樣”

746
00:43:37,743 --> 00:43:39,743
‪你們給我滾，真是天大的笑話

747
00:43:46,918 --> 00:43:48,418
‪我心知肚明，我不會唱歌

748
00:43:48,503 --> 00:43:51,173
‪所以我有點糾結
‪我心想：“也許我可以，不行

749
00:43:51,255 --> 00:43:52,883
‪也許我可以，不行，我做不到

750
00:43:52,965 --> 00:43:54,718
‪也許我可以，其實不行”

751
00:43:54,800 --> 00:43:56,885
‪然後我就喝醉了，我心想：“請原諒

752
00:44:00,763 --> 00:44:02,223
‪我唱”

753
00:44:02,308 --> 00:44:03,933
‪於是

754
00:44:04,018 --> 00:44:07,188
‪我走上台，開始不在節奏地搖擺身體

755
00:44:11,568 --> 00:44:13,028
‪所有人都在想：“她會找到節奏的”

756
00:44:13,110 --> 00:44:14,403
‪不會的

757
00:44:16,363 --> 00:44:19,073
‪然後我開始唱歌，我真的已經盡力了

758
00:44:19,158 --> 00:44:21,703
‪愛過之後，你還相信愛嗎？

759
00:44:21,785 --> 00:44:23,203
‪愛過之後？

760
00:44:23,288 --> 00:44:24,830
‪唱得不好，糟透了

761
00:44:24,913 --> 00:44:26,583
‪糟糕，她肯定會在大街上給我一槍

762
00:44:26,665 --> 00:44:27,958
‪不過

763
00:44:28,793 --> 00:44:32,378
‪我最近一次唱卡拉OK
‪的確是唱的這首歌

764
00:44:32,463 --> 00:44:35,008
‪間歇時，有個人說：“真難聽！”

765
00:44:44,600 --> 00:44:46,393
‪好，再說說我吧

766
00:44:46,478 --> 00:44:48,438
‪我在節目上已經說過無數次了

767
00:44:48,520 --> 00:44:49,938
‪我是單身

768
00:44:50,023 --> 00:44:52,273
‪然後我心想

769
00:44:52,358 --> 00:44:53,733
‪“妮可

770
00:44:53,818 --> 00:44:56,903
‪你是如何跟男人約會超過三天的？

771
00:44:56,988 --> 00:44:59,030
‪怎麼交往三天以上？”

772
00:44:59,155 --> 00:45:00,198
‪我心想

773
00:45:00,283 --> 00:45:01,993
‪“太棒了，我騙過了他們”

774
00:45:03,828 --> 00:45:06,163
‪因為男人貌似很喜歡高冷女

775
00:45:07,498 --> 00:45:08,583
‪就是那種很高冷的女生

776
00:45:08,998 --> 00:45:10,125
‪高冷女

777
00:45:10,208 --> 00:45:12,293
‪我不高冷，我是個瘋子，好吧？

778
00:45:14,463 --> 00:45:17,383
‪我嘴上對男人說著平常的事兒

779
00:45:17,465 --> 00:45:20,718
‪但腦子裡想的事情特別瘋狂

780
00:45:20,803 --> 00:45:22,263
‪我心想

781
00:45:22,345 --> 00:45:24,263
‪“你真有趣

782
00:45:24,348 --> 00:45:26,143
‪我們去喝一杯吧，我是誰？

783
00:45:26,225 --> 00:45:27,518
‪我愛吃墨西哥卷餅”

784
00:45:27,725 --> 00:45:29,103
‪然後

785
00:45:31,980 --> 00:45:34,148
‪然後我開始想一些瘋狂的事情

786
00:45:34,233 --> 00:45:37,028
‪“你為什麼沒在30秒內回我簡訊？

787
00:45:39,905 --> 00:45:42,323
‪你會愛我勝過愛你的狗嗎？

788
00:45:44,703 --> 00:45:46,663
‪我知道我們才交往三個月

789
00:45:46,745 --> 00:45:49,708
‪但如果你死了
‪我能參加你的葬禮嗎？

790
00:45:49,790 --> 00:45:51,583
‪到時候我能見到你母親嗎？”

791
00:45:58,258 --> 00:45:59,550
‪最後一個不是段子

792
00:45:59,633 --> 00:46:00,843
‪我…

793
00:46:01,885 --> 00:46:04,473
‪的確跟一個朋友這樣說

794
00:46:05,138 --> 00:46:07,515
‪但她卻說：“女人，妳冷靜一下”

795
00:46:09,018 --> 00:46:11,103
‪我一直在觀察生活中的情侶

796
00:46:11,188 --> 00:46:12,813
‪似乎找到了答案

797
00:46:13,648 --> 00:46:15,773
‪一開始，裝出高冷的樣子騙他們

798
00:46:16,525 --> 00:46:18,610
‪幾個月之後

799
00:46:18,693 --> 00:46:20,738
‪你就會徹底瘋狂

800
00:46:21,780 --> 00:46:25,993
‪你們在公共場合的爭吵
‪真的有夠瘋狂，好嗎？

801
00:46:27,118 --> 00:46:29,453
‪該死的，我想加入，好嗎？

802
00:46:31,165 --> 00:46:33,083
‪我想和男朋友進電梯

803
00:46:33,168 --> 00:46:34,375
‪結果有六個受害者

804
00:46:34,458 --> 00:46:35,628
‪然後

805
00:46:38,963 --> 00:46:41,218
‪我想仰頭看他
‪因為他個子比我高，我說

806
00:46:41,300 --> 00:46:43,928
‪“嘿，我們要個孩子吧”

807
00:46:46,180 --> 00:46:48,515
‪他說：“妮可，現在還不是時候”

808
00:46:48,598 --> 00:46:51,353
‪我說：“永遠沒有準備好的時候”

809
00:46:52,435 --> 00:46:54,730
‪我根本不想要孩子
‪我只想讓那六個人知道

810
00:46:54,813 --> 00:46:56,358
‪待會兒再說這個

811
00:46:59,443 --> 00:47:02,238
‪最近我去了一家超市的農產品區

812
00:47:02,528 --> 00:47:03,655
‪謝謝

813
00:47:03,780 --> 00:47:05,033
‪然後

814
00:47:06,158 --> 00:47:10,328
‪有一對情侶在買蘋果
‪男人用鼻子蹭女人的脖子，女人說

815
00:47:16,710 --> 00:47:19,838
‪“你像蛇果一樣誘人，我是什麼？”

816
00:47:20,380 --> 00:47:23,008
‪男人說：“不好說，澳洲青蘋吧”

817
00:47:26,553 --> 00:47:29,013
‪這個女人是什麼反應呢？

818
00:47:29,598 --> 00:47:31,225
‪她對著購物車踢了一腳，說

819
00:47:31,308 --> 00:47:33,310
‪“澳洲青蘋！”

820
00:47:35,853 --> 00:47:37,438
‪他們回家後大概會打個“仇恨炮”

821
00:47:37,730 --> 00:47:39,608
‪我想加入，好嗎？

822
00:47:41,235 --> 00:47:42,945
‪我最近在一家餐廳

823
00:47:43,070 --> 00:47:44,988
‪偷聽一對情侶講話
‪想從中挖掘出點秘密

824
00:47:45,073 --> 00:47:46,908
‪然後服務生走上來

825
00:47:47,033 --> 00:47:48,450
‪說：“你們用餐愉快嗎？”

826
00:47:48,533 --> 00:47:50,035
‪女人說：“真好笑

827
00:47:50,868 --> 00:47:54,373
‪我們的食物上桌後
‪我讓他跟我換了”

828
00:47:54,455 --> 00:47:57,500
‪我心想：“這女人
‪偷了這男人的食物”

829
00:47:59,085 --> 00:48:00,545
‪做事要講規矩

830
00:48:00,628 --> 00:48:02,130
‪男人答應去餐廳吃飯

831
00:48:02,213 --> 00:48:04,090
‪坐下來，打開菜單

832
00:48:04,173 --> 00:48:06,093
‪他說：“我要吃這個”

833
00:48:06,175 --> 00:48:08,388
‪女人說：“休想”，懂我意思嗎？

834
00:48:08,678 --> 00:48:10,930
‪他們回到家
‪女人肯定會爽到欲仙欲死

835
00:48:11,013 --> 00:48:12,308
‪我想加入！

836
00:48:15,685 --> 00:48:18,688
‪我想在公共場合和家裡肆意妄為

837
00:48:18,773 --> 00:48:21,483
‪他會說：“我忍妳”，懂我意思嗎？

838
00:48:21,818 --> 00:48:24,778
‪我想要一個精疲力竭的男人
‪這就是我想要的

839
00:48:25,403 --> 00:48:26,738
‪我想要一個精疲力竭的男人

840
00:48:26,863 --> 00:48:29,490
‪我想帶男朋友去派對
‪跟大夥兒介紹說：“這是我男友”

841
00:48:29,573 --> 00:48:30,825
‪然後他說

842
00:48:36,708 --> 00:48:38,168
‪“我愛她”

843
00:48:40,460 --> 00:48:41,713
‪我想要一個精疲力竭的男人

844
00:48:41,795 --> 00:48:43,798
‪因為他太累了，哪都去不了

845
00:48:44,505 --> 00:48:46,508
‪我暗自思忖

846
00:48:46,593 --> 00:48:48,803
‪“怎麼才能搞到
‪一個精疲力竭的男人呢？

847
00:48:48,885 --> 00:48:50,345
‪我該怎麼做呢？”

848
00:48:53,348 --> 00:48:54,473
‪然後我想到了

849
00:48:54,558 --> 00:48:56,560
‪“好吧，我就用最老土的辦法吧

850
00:48:56,643 --> 00:48:59,063
‪我不玩應用程式了，要去酒吧見真人”

851
00:48:59,478 --> 00:49:01,440
‪於是我來到了一家酒吧

852
00:49:01,523 --> 00:49:02,898
‪和一個男人聊天

853
00:49:02,983 --> 00:49:05,318
‪他說：“嘿，我叫戴夫

854
00:49:05,403 --> 00:49:07,403
‪我現在超愛看書”

855
00:49:13,078 --> 00:49:15,788
‪於是我問：“那麼，戴夫

856
00:49:16,120 --> 00:49:17,748
‪你愛看哪類書呢？”

857
00:49:18,083 --> 00:49:20,125
‪他說：“那類描述得很具體

858
00:49:20,208 --> 00:49:21,668
‪畫面感很強的”

859
00:49:24,213 --> 00:49:25,798
‪我說：“書嗎？”

860
00:49:27,715 --> 00:49:29,803
‪我才不要和蠢貨上床

861
00:49:29,885 --> 00:49:33,680
‪於是我開始和酒吧侍者調情，他說

862
00:49:33,763 --> 00:49:36,015
‪“嘿，我叫班尼

863
00:49:36,098 --> 00:49:37,643
‪《班尼和噴氣機》的班尼”

864
00:49:39,603 --> 00:49:41,605
‪我說：“我聽過班尼這個名字

865
00:49:43,565 --> 00:49:46,025
‪你不需要解釋
‪你知道什麼是書嗎？”

866
00:49:46,108 --> 00:49:47,110
‪他說：“知道”

867
00:49:47,193 --> 00:49:48,278
‪我說：“你會知道的”

868
00:49:48,363 --> 00:49:50,155
‪於是

869
00:49:50,823 --> 00:49:52,908
‪我入住了酒吧上面的酒店

870
00:49:52,990 --> 00:49:54,868
‪因為方便才是什麼？關鍵

871
00:49:54,953 --> 00:49:56,620
‪然後

872
00:49:57,078 --> 00:49:58,913
‪他下班後上樓來

873
00:49:58,998 --> 00:50:00,708
‪敲我的門

874
00:50:00,833 --> 00:50:02,583
‪我打開門，看見他在門外站著

875
00:50:02,668 --> 00:50:04,418
‪端了一碗雞肉

876
00:50:05,670 --> 00:50:07,338
‪不是一碗炸雞

877
00:50:07,423 --> 00:50:10,383
‪我們將圍繞這一點
‪進行接下來的整個談話

878
00:50:11,510 --> 00:50:14,888
‪我說：“班尼，我跟你不熟
‪我覺得這一點也不好玩”

879
00:50:24,230 --> 00:50:26,358
‪因為他端了一碗烤雞

880
00:50:26,900 --> 00:50:28,610
‪於是我問他：“班尼

881
00:50:29,028 --> 00:50:31,698
‪你為什麼端了一碗烤雞？”

882
00:50:31,780 --> 00:50:33,073
‪他說：“蛋白質”

883
00:50:35,368 --> 00:50:37,410
‪這個回答沒問題

884
00:50:38,703 --> 00:50:41,583
‪但不是我想要的答案

885
00:50:41,665 --> 00:50:43,958
‪於是我說：“班尼，把雞肉放桌上

886
00:50:44,043 --> 00:50:46,920
‪不要放在床頭櫃上，不可以”

887
00:50:47,003 --> 00:50:49,423
‪我要騎在他身上
‪一邊喊：“蛋白質”

888
00:50:51,925 --> 00:50:53,008
‪但這不是我想要的

889
00:50:53,093 --> 00:50:54,635
‪蛋白質

890
00:50:57,680 --> 00:50:59,058
‪然後我們倆就勾搭上了

891
00:50:59,140 --> 00:51:00,683
‪我癱軟在門把手上

892
00:51:00,768 --> 00:51:02,853
‪吃他的屌，然後…

893
00:51:03,853 --> 00:51:06,483
‪我把他搞得半硬，然後對他說
‪“喂，快進來”

894
00:51:07,273 --> 00:51:09,860
‪因為如果他趁半硬的時候進來
‪妳就可以做骨盆運動

895
00:51:09,985 --> 00:51:11,318
‪來幫他立正

896
00:51:11,528 --> 00:51:14,073
‪而且妳會感覺自己像個夾娃娃機

897
00:51:25,000 --> 00:51:27,878
‪這笑話真是太蠢了

898
00:51:28,963 --> 00:51:31,048
‪然後班尼來到我上面，我對他說

899
00:51:31,130 --> 00:51:32,758
‪“嘿，快掐我脖子”

900
00:51:33,175 --> 00:51:34,968
‪我是成年人，我想要高潮

901
00:51:35,053 --> 00:51:36,053
‪然後

902
00:51:38,095 --> 00:51:39,848
‪班尼說：“好啊”

903
00:51:40,140 --> 00:51:41,725
‪然後他掐住我的脖子

904
00:51:41,808 --> 00:51:44,768
‪但我發現他根本沒進來

905
00:51:45,563 --> 00:51:49,023
‪他在用他那半軟的老二撞我的大腿

906
00:51:50,150 --> 00:51:51,778
‪我就抬頭看他，我說

907
00:51:53,613 --> 00:51:55,113
‪“你簡直要了我的命”

908
00:52:09,003 --> 00:52:12,463
‪如果妳沒見過快要害死妳

909
00:52:12,548 --> 00:52:14,843
‪但又不是故意要妳命的男人的臉

910
00:52:14,925 --> 00:52:16,383
‪真的特別好笑

911
00:52:17,928 --> 00:52:19,553
‪然後班尼說：“翻過身去”

912
00:52:19,638 --> 00:52:20,848
‪我說：“噢，我懂

913
00:52:20,930 --> 00:52:22,723
‪我也不會想看見我的受害人的臉”

914
00:52:25,728 --> 00:52:29,148
‪然後班尼在我後面
‪他說了一句話，讓我終身難忘

915
00:52:30,065 --> 00:52:31,650
‪他說：“我的天

916
00:52:31,733 --> 00:52:33,360
‪從後面看妳像一灘泡軟的濕麵條”

917
00:52:44,370 --> 00:52:47,333
‪每個女生都愛聽的一句話

918
00:52:49,125 --> 00:52:50,460
‪於是我說：“你知道嗎？

919
00:52:50,543 --> 00:52:53,338
‪麵條和雞肉是絕配
‪班尼，你得射了”

920
00:52:53,548 --> 00:52:54,505
‪然後

921
00:53:01,220 --> 00:53:03,265
‪我又開始玩應用程式

922
00:53:03,348 --> 00:53:05,183
‪不得不說

923
00:53:05,268 --> 00:53:07,935
‪你們男人太沒禮貌了

924
00:53:08,978 --> 00:53:11,313
‪真搞不懂你們為什麼還在傳屌照

925
00:53:11,398 --> 00:53:12,983
‪我以為我們已經達成共識了

926
00:53:13,065 --> 00:53:14,775
‪我們女人一點也不想看

927
00:53:14,858 --> 00:53:16,653
‪現場的男士有沒有人還在傳屌照？

928
00:53:29,165 --> 00:53:30,833
‪能問你一個問題嗎？

929
00:53:31,250 --> 00:53:32,793
‪你是同性戀嗎？

930
00:53:32,878 --> 00:53:34,128
‪如果對方同意的話

931
00:53:36,255 --> 00:53:39,675
‪你會把照片傳給想看的人，對嗎？

932
00:53:39,758 --> 00:53:41,178
‪如果對方同意的話

933
00:53:41,260 --> 00:53:42,428
‪真的嗎？你說

934
00:53:42,513 --> 00:53:43,888
‪“妳願意看我的屌嗎？”

935
00:53:43,973 --> 00:53:45,683
‪你那樣…

936
00:53:45,765 --> 00:53:46,893
‪他們的個人資料裡會注明

937
00:53:46,975 --> 00:53:48,058
‪真的嗎？

938
00:53:48,143 --> 00:53:50,770
‪但不會上傳工作照

939
00:53:51,063 --> 00:53:52,563
‪同志們有了重大發現

940
00:53:54,233 --> 00:53:55,275
‪什麼鬼？

941
00:53:55,358 --> 00:53:57,610
‪這個可以有

942
00:53:57,693 --> 00:53:59,488
‪從來沒人問我這種問題

943
00:53:59,570 --> 00:54:01,238
‪他們都很直接：“看我的屌”

944
00:54:02,533 --> 00:54:04,200
‪簡直跟拖把一樣

945
00:54:04,283 --> 00:54:05,953
‪什麼鬼？

946
00:54:18,005 --> 00:54:19,883
‪不過說真的，我不喜歡大屌照片

947
00:54:19,968 --> 00:54:21,885
‪我覺得那沒什麼用，好吧？

948
00:54:21,968 --> 00:54:25,555
‪毫無益處，就像給人寄
‪宜家的產品使用說明一樣，好吧？

949
00:54:27,223 --> 00:54:29,518
‪然後，它們基本上可以歸為四類

950
00:54:30,603 --> 00:54:32,188
‪大屌、小屌、彎屌、直屌

951
00:54:32,270 --> 00:54:33,523
‪這四類

952
00:54:34,938 --> 00:54:37,400
‪在紐約州布法羅市的時候
‪一個女孩衝我喊

953
00:54:37,483 --> 00:54:39,318
‪她說：“還有瘦屌呢？”

954
00:54:39,403 --> 00:54:41,738
‪我說：“女人，這只是妳的經歷”

955
00:54:46,118 --> 00:54:48,663
‪我從沒見過瘦屌

956
00:54:49,078 --> 00:54:50,413
‪妳做什麼？和鉛筆做愛嗎？

957
00:54:50,498 --> 00:54:52,665
‪妳有毛病吧？

958
00:54:52,748 --> 00:54:54,625
‪妳男朋友叫巨無霸嗎？

959
00:54:54,708 --> 00:54:56,460
‪我從沒見過

960
00:54:58,548 --> 00:55:00,048
‪瘦屌

961
00:55:00,633 --> 00:55:02,133
‪如果剛才那個梗你們沒聽懂

962
00:55:02,218 --> 00:55:04,053
‪那是一個鉛筆品牌

963
00:55:07,888 --> 00:55:10,725
‪總的來說只有四種
‪大屌、小屌、彎屌、直屌

964
00:55:10,808 --> 00:55:13,310
‪然後這四種可以進行自由組合

965
00:55:16,858 --> 00:55:19,943
‪它們可能是大而直，大而彎，大而小

966
00:55:20,028 --> 00:55:21,528
‪多可怕的驚喜啊

967
00:55:22,488 --> 00:55:24,238
‪他脫掉褲子後，我暗喜

968
00:55:24,323 --> 00:55:26,365
‪“天哪，他肯定讓我明天下不了床”

969
00:55:26,448 --> 00:55:28,910
‪然後他開始運動，妳心想：“咦？

970
00:55:28,993 --> 00:55:30,578
‪我可以一邊報稅”

971
00:55:33,833 --> 00:55:36,710
‪然後是小而直，小而大

972
00:55:36,793 --> 00:55:38,713
‪多麼美妙的驚喜啊

973
00:55:39,253 --> 00:55:41,505
‪等他把手從口袋裡抽出來
‪妳嗤之以鼻：“噢，什麼嘛”

974
00:55:42,090 --> 00:55:43,968
‪等到事後，妳忍不住打給朋友說

975
00:55:44,050 --> 00:55:45,843
‪“天哪，他把我的‘星巴克’
‪弄得淤青”

976
00:55:47,970 --> 00:55:50,223
‪你們中很多人可能很納悶
‪“‘星巴克’是什麼？”

977
00:55:53,893 --> 00:55:56,103
‪最糟糕的當數小而彎了

978
00:55:56,188 --> 00:55:58,565
‪啊，咦，呃，噢

979
00:55:59,440 --> 00:56:02,278
‪小而彎

980
00:56:02,818 --> 00:56:05,155
‪真噁心，就像跟掛鉤做愛一樣
‪這個留待下次再講

981
00:56:17,000 --> 00:56:19,835
‪是的，這是一個墮胎梗！

982
00:56:23,213 --> 00:56:25,968
‪我把它偽裝成了老二梗！

983
00:56:26,843 --> 00:56:28,928
‪我知道你們中有人不喜歡

984
00:56:30,930 --> 00:56:34,183
‪今晚我在此呼籲各位，為當地計生聯
‪或美國公民自由聯盟捐款

985
00:56:42,068 --> 00:56:43,985
‪我不想以墮胎梗結尾

986
00:56:44,068 --> 00:56:45,695
‪因為我的教養很好

987
00:56:49,698 --> 00:56:51,910
‪我經常去機場

988
00:56:51,993 --> 00:56:53,118
‪和坐飛機

989
00:56:53,203 --> 00:56:55,330
‪我不想一概而論或抱有任何成見

990
00:56:55,413 --> 00:56:56,833
‪我沒有親眼看見

991
00:56:56,915 --> 00:56:58,165
‪這話不是我說的，但是

992
00:56:59,793 --> 00:57:02,003
‪男空服員都是同性戀

993
00:57:02,088 --> 00:57:03,588
‪所有的男空服員

994
00:57:03,880 --> 00:57:06,173
‪每一個都是同性戀

995
00:57:06,590 --> 00:57:08,218
‪妳說：“勞駕，我需要一個枕頭？”

996
00:57:08,300 --> 00:57:09,428
‪然後他們擺出這副樣子

997
00:57:25,443 --> 00:57:28,195
‪妳說：“不好意思

998
00:57:28,278 --> 00:57:30,365
‪你剛才在衝我吼嗎？”

999
00:57:32,118 --> 00:57:35,078
‪就好像有人在他們小時候對他們說

1000
00:57:35,203 --> 00:57:36,578
‪“寶貝，這個世界容納不下你

1001
00:57:36,663 --> 00:57:37,913
‪你應該到天上去”

1002
00:57:51,760 --> 00:57:54,305
‪我曾經坐過一次飛機
‪戴著一條名牌項鍊

1003
00:57:54,388 --> 00:57:57,018
‪上面刻著我的名字，妮可
‪只有六個英文字母長

1004
00:57:57,100 --> 00:57:58,935
‪但它覆蓋了我的整個胸口

1005
00:58:00,228 --> 00:58:02,023
‪我最好的朋友在布魯克林給我訂做的

1006
00:58:02,105 --> 00:58:03,188
‪珠寶商說

1007
00:58:03,273 --> 00:58:04,858
‪“妳確定要做這麼大嗎？”

1008
00:58:04,940 --> 00:58:06,358
‪她說：“是的

1009
00:58:06,443 --> 00:58:08,068
‪我這個朋友超俗氣”

1010
00:58:12,658 --> 00:58:14,575
‪我在飛機上戴著這條項鍊

1011
00:58:14,658 --> 00:58:16,078
‪空服員走過來說

1012
00:58:16,160 --> 00:58:17,913
‪“噢，妳一定是妮可吧”

1013
00:58:17,995 --> 00:58:19,955
‪我說：“對，看我的項鍊就知道了”

1014
00:58:20,038 --> 00:58:22,458
‪他說：“沒錯，不過我在
‪《女孩代碼》裡見過妳

1015
00:58:22,543 --> 00:58:24,168
‪我覺得妳很有趣”

1016
00:58:24,253 --> 00:58:26,253
‪當別人說喜歡你的作品

1017
00:58:26,338 --> 00:58:28,088
‪並覺得你很有趣

1018
00:58:28,173 --> 00:58:30,173
‪你就特別開心，因為很多時候

1019
00:58:30,258 --> 00:58:33,260
‪我並不知道別人會不會喜歡我
‪或者覺得我有趣

1020
00:58:33,343 --> 00:58:35,348
‪反正紅迪網說
‪沒人喜歡我或覺得我有趣

1021
00:58:38,183 --> 00:58:40,478
‪然後這個空服員對我說
‪“妳想喝一杯嗎？”

1022
00:58:40,560 --> 00:58:41,518
‪我說：“好啊

1023
00:58:41,603 --> 00:58:43,020
‪請給我一杯伏特加蘇打水，謝謝”

1024
00:58:43,103 --> 00:58:44,898
‪然後他說：“好啊”

1025
00:58:44,980 --> 00:58:47,025
‪好啊

1026
00:58:47,193 --> 00:58:49,278
‪我說：“快去啊”

1027
00:58:54,698 --> 00:58:56,450
‪我們這是在做什麼？

1028
00:58:57,118 --> 00:59:00,580
‪然後他就去拿了三小瓶

1029
00:59:00,663 --> 00:59:01,873
‪伏特加和少許蘇打水，我說

1030
00:59:01,958 --> 00:59:03,415
‪“遊戲開始”

1031
00:59:04,668 --> 00:59:06,460
‪我喝完酒，他又走過來

1032
00:59:06,543 --> 00:59:07,795
‪他說：“妳想再來一杯嗎？”

1033
00:59:07,878 --> 00:59:08,963
‪我說：“是的，謝謝”

1034
00:59:11,258 --> 00:59:13,678
‪然後他又拿來三小瓶紅酒
‪我說：“我們來喝了它”

1035
00:59:17,348 --> 00:59:19,890
‪所以我又喝光了，他又走過來
‪說：“妳想再來一瓶嗎？”

1036
00:59:19,973 --> 00:59:22,685
‪我說：“我無法拒絕你”

1037
00:59:26,898 --> 00:59:28,693
‪於是他又拿了三小瓶酒來

1038
00:59:29,608 --> 00:59:31,860
‪如果你的服務好
‪客人就會一直喝下去

1039
00:59:32,320 --> 00:59:35,783
‪我在四個半小時的紅眼航班上

1040
00:59:35,865 --> 00:59:38,158
‪喝了九小瓶伏特加

1041
00:59:43,413 --> 00:59:44,915
‪所有人都在睡覺

1042
00:59:44,998 --> 00:59:46,960
‪只有我一個人喝得酩酊大醉

1043
00:59:51,298 --> 00:59:52,965
‪我坐在我的位置上，心想

1044
00:59:53,048 --> 00:59:55,133
‪“如果我在過道上打滾會怎麼樣？”

1045
00:59:59,763 --> 01:00:03,600
‪想像一下，我起身在過道上躺下打滾

1046
01:00:04,978 --> 01:00:07,023
‪萬一空服員打電話
‪給地面控制台，那可怎麼辦？

1047
01:00:07,105 --> 01:00:09,733
‪“這架飛機必須立刻降落
‪有個糟糕的胖女人不肯坐在位置上”

1048
01:00:11,275 --> 01:00:12,610
‪可是，我轉念一想

1049
01:00:12,778 --> 01:00:14,113
‪“我知道我想做什麼了

1050
01:00:14,195 --> 01:00:16,280
‪我要在過道上打滾

1051
01:00:16,613 --> 01:00:18,825
‪我要看《回到未來》”

1052
01:00:22,328 --> 01:00:24,413
‪於是我看了《回到未來》

1053
01:00:24,498 --> 01:00:26,583
‪我以前沒看過這部電影

1054
01:00:27,500 --> 01:00:30,210
‪我看得拍拍膝蓋，開懷大笑

1055
01:00:31,878 --> 01:00:33,923
‪我幾乎整個人貼在熒幕上

1056
01:00:39,928 --> 01:00:41,098
‪我說：“馬蒂和博士，年齡各異

1057
01:00:41,180 --> 01:00:43,808
‪相當狂野

1058
01:00:46,228 --> 01:00:48,270
‪還有羅蘭，她還好嗎？”

1059
01:00:48,603 --> 01:00:50,230
‪然後…

1060
01:00:50,313 --> 01:00:53,860
‪然後我們在甘迺迪國際機場降落
‪那時候是早上7點

1061
01:00:53,943 --> 01:00:55,820
‪奶昔小站已經開始營業了

1062
01:00:57,613 --> 01:01:00,450
‪我大聲地自言自語道

1063
01:01:00,783 --> 01:01:02,953
‪“上帝愛他的小寶貝”

1064
01:01:11,835 --> 01:01:13,253
‪因為我覺得自己非常幸運

1065
01:01:13,338 --> 01:01:14,630
‪然後

1066
01:01:15,173 --> 01:01:19,053
‪我跌跌撞撞地走到櫃檯前下單

1067
01:01:19,135 --> 01:01:20,638
‪櫃檯後面的傢伙說

1068
01:01:20,720 --> 01:01:22,263
‪“你一定是妮可吧”

1069
01:01:22,348 --> 01:01:25,433
‪我回答說：“你當然知道我是誰
‪因為我是名人”

1070
01:01:35,193 --> 01:01:37,238
‪名人不需要這樣做

1071
01:01:38,948 --> 01:01:41,323
‪而且，我的項鍊上明擺著

1072
01:01:42,243 --> 01:01:45,078
‪然後他把食物拿給我
‪他的選擇，不是我的

1073
01:01:48,248 --> 01:01:51,250
‪我帶著那袋食物
‪跌跌撞撞地穿過甘迺迪國際機場

1074
01:01:51,333 --> 01:01:53,920
‪我心想：“天哪
‪我得去上廁所，我想尿尿”

1075
01:01:54,295 --> 01:01:59,925
‪於是我拿著食物來到廁所開始尿尿

1076
01:02:00,008 --> 01:02:01,803
‪說實話，我在拉屎

1077
01:02:03,888 --> 01:02:05,515
‪我一邊拉屎，一邊心想

1078
01:02:05,598 --> 01:02:07,643
‪“噢，漢堡真香啊”

1079
01:02:12,480 --> 01:02:14,108
‪於是我就開吃了

1080
01:02:16,150 --> 01:02:18,068
‪我是單身！

1081
01:02:20,613 --> 01:02:22,783
‪然後我意識到了自己在做什麼

1082
01:02:22,865 --> 01:02:24,700
‪我開始大哭

1083
01:02:26,953 --> 01:02:30,248
‪我一邊哭，一邊吃漢堡，一邊拉屎

1084
01:02:31,873 --> 01:02:33,125
‪然後我暗自想

1085
01:02:33,208 --> 01:02:36,588
‪“我知道怎麼讓自己開心起來了
‪我可以給自己唱首歌”

1086
01:02:43,428 --> 01:02:47,473
‪於是我開始大聲唱《彩虹之上》

1087
01:02:49,018 --> 01:02:51,935
‪一邊哭，一邊吃漢堡，一邊拉屎

1088
01:02:53,688 --> 01:02:56,733
‪然後我往下一看，看到一雙腳

1089
01:03:00,318 --> 01:03:03,155
‪我沒有立刻停止我正在做的事

1090
01:03:03,738 --> 01:03:05,700
‪而是敲了敲隔板

1091
01:03:07,953 --> 01:03:11,498
‪我說：“不好意思

1092
01:03:11,580 --> 01:03:13,790
‪我平日裡不是這樣”

1093
01:03:20,923 --> 01:03:24,510
‪然後那個女人作為一個
‪正常的成熟女性，什麼都沒說

1094
01:03:31,475 --> 01:03:35,063
‪然後我才意識到廁所裡全是女人

1095
01:03:37,105 --> 01:03:39,775
‪她們的動作很輕

1096
01:03:40,568 --> 01:03:44,363
‪她們說：“那扇門後面在搞什麼？

1097
01:03:45,783 --> 01:03:48,953
‪也不知道裡面是什麼怪物？

1098
01:03:49,535 --> 01:03:53,205
‪格羅麗婭，我今天就算錯過航班
‪也要看看這究竟是什麼人！”

1099
01:03:59,170 --> 01:04:01,548
‪於是我大聲對
‪格羅麗婭和她的朋友們說

1100
01:04:01,630 --> 01:04:03,925
‪“嘿，我沒事”

1101
01:04:07,220 --> 01:04:10,430
‪說實話，這一年半過得糟透了

1102
01:04:10,513 --> 01:04:12,558
‪不過我想我們一定能挺過去

1103
01:04:12,643 --> 01:04:15,228
‪非常感謝大家能來現場

1104
01:04:16,313 --> 01:04:17,398
‪真的

1105
01:04:17,480 --> 01:04:19,648
‪非常感謝，晚安

1106
01:04:32,370 --> 01:04:33,663
{\an8}‪我亟需做愛

1107
01:04:41,713 --> 01:04:43,673
‪我不需要任何説明，我活得好好的

1108
01:05:11,618 --> 01:05:13,660
{\an8}‪如果妳是翹臀美女

1109
01:05:16,748 --> 01:05:18,540
{\an8}‪噢，我超愛！

1110
01:05:18,623 --> 01:05:20,250
{\an8}‪字幕翻譯：李炎