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Downloaded from
YTS.MX
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Official YIFY movies site:
YTS.MX
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[theme music plays]
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[grunts]
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Ugh!
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I guess I should go do my show now.
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[groans]
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[announcer] Ladies and gentlemen,
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Nicole Byer!
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[audience applauds and cheers]
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Hi.
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Oh, thank you so much for coming out.
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What a treat, what a dream!
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[audience cheers]
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I am so excited to be doing this here
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in New York City!
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[audience cheers and applauds]
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It's the city
where I started doing comedy.
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It is the city
where I dropped a piece of pizza
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cheese side down…
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and then ate it!
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[giggles]
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It's also the city
where I fucked a cab driver…
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[giggles]
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…and was fingered by another.
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[audience cheers]
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All right.
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I know everyone's tired of talking about
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Corona and the pandemie,
but we're going to talk about it
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'cause I took a year
out of my fucking life, okay?
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[audience cheers]
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I think dads had it really hard
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during the pandemie.
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I call it "the pandemie",
keep it light, keep it fresh.
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[audience laughs]
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But yeah, dads had it really hard in 2020,
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because it's tough to be absentee
when you can't go nowhere.
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[audience laughs]
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There's a dad here
who that hit right in the heart.
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[audience laughs]
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Also, I think they went
about masks the wrong way.
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They were like, "Wear a mask.
Save somebody else now."
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No, we are very selfish people.
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They should have been like,
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"If you think you're pretty,
you'll wear a mask!"
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[audience laughs]
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"Only cute people wear masks!
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If you're a cutie with a booty,
you'll wear a mask!"
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[audience laughs]
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Because the ugliest motherfuckers
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didn't want to wear the mask.
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[audience laughs and applauds]
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No.
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They were like,
"What about my civil liberties?"
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I'm just like, "Ugh, your face
is a civil disobedience, okay?"
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[audience laughs]
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So something I did during the pandemie is
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I went to a drive-by funeral for a cat.
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[audience laughs]
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There is no joke there.
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[audience laughs]
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It's just an activity that I did.
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So my friend Marcy's little black cat,
Bo, tragically passed away.
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So a friend of ours emailed
our friend group and said,
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"Hey, let's drive by
her house and scream."
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[audience laughs]
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So that's what we did.
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We drove past her house
at five miles an hour being like,
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"I am sorry!"
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And she was crying and I was like,
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"Are you sad or embarrassed?"
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[audience laughs]
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But you can't ask nobody that.
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So later we're recording our podcast,
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it's about 90 Day Fiancé.
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[audience cheers]
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Oh, okay. Six people know.
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All right, everybody else out there,
get the fuck up into it, okay?
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It is the wildest
fucking show on television.
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So we're recording our podcast,
it's called 90 Day Bae,
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it's on Patreon, it's five dollars.
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And we're on Zoom.
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Does everyone here know what Zoom is?
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[audience laughs]
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[audience laughs louder]
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Is everyone on Zoom?
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Do we know what Zoom is?
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What the fuck is Zoom?
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The definition of "zoom" is to move fast.
To where, my living room?
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So…
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we're on Zoom talking about
these lunatics and…
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all of a sudden
this little black cat jumps behind her.
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And I was like…
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"Oh no.
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Oh no, I'm going to have to tell my friend
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that when she turns around
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the ghost of her dead cat…
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is behind her having a nice time.
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I'm going to have to tell my friend
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that there's a haunting in her home."
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And I started crying, actual tears.
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And Marcy was like,
"What the fuck is wrong with you?"
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I said, "Marcy,
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when you turn around,
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the ghost of your dead cat is there."
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And Marcy said, "Nicole,
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I got a new cat."
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[audience laughs]
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You got to tell a bitch that, okay?
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I told that story to my therapist
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and she laughed at me.
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[audience laughs]
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And I was like, "One, I pay you too much.
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Two, it was 2020. We had murder hornets.
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It could have been
a fucking ghost cat, okay?"
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-[audience laughs]
-[man] Whoo!
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Are there Black people here?
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[audience cheers]
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Ooh, yes!
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I got one right down the front!
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Yes! Rosa sat for us all!
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And it's not just buses.
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Can I--
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[laughs]
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Can I ask you a question?
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Okay, so at the height of the
Black Lives Matter protest last summer,
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I don't know about you,
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but every single White person
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I blinked at, waved at, smiled at,
kicked a leg up at, texted me.
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[audience laughs]
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I heard a lot of White laughter.
They were like, "Yes, I texted."
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But-- [chuckles]
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"Did they text you?"
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Yeah. Did the text message say,
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"If there's anything I can do,
let me know"?
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Yes! What the fuck, White people?
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[audience laughs]
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What the fuck?
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I don't need to know that
I'm your only Black friend.
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[audience laughs]
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Keep that shit locked in your heart.
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Also, I don't need anything, I'm alive.
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Ha-ha! But…
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[audience laughs]
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[laughs]
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But I do gotta say,
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I was deeply, truly offended
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that the only White people
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who didn't text me
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were all the White dudes I ever fucked.
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[audience laughs]
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I was like, "Excuse me!"
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Do Black lives only matter
when you're inside of one?
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Oh come on, White people!
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[audience laughs]
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Come on!
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Pack up your White guilt
and send it via the postal service!
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Do you remember
before the election when we thought
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the post office was closing?
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[audience laughs]
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What a goofy ass year!
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We were all like,
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"We got to go buy stamps!
For who? We're on Zoom!"
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[audience laughs]
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[applause and cheers]
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But I do like fucking White dudes.
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[audience laughs]
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I like to fuck 'em so hard
their ancestors cry.
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[audience laughs]
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I got another one.
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I love fucking White dudes.
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Ooh I love it.
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But I have to be careful
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because I like rough sex
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and there's a right way
to get tied up and a wrong way.
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[audience laughs]
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I got another!
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[audience applauds]
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Ooh baby, I love fucking White dudes.
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Ooh I love it!
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I just like the feeling
of privilege inside of me.
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[audience cheers and applauds]
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I'm kidding.
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I don't only fuck White dudes.
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I raised my pussy to not see color.
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[audience laughs]
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But I am horny.
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And it got to critical levels last year.
It was bad. It was a Code Red.
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And I was trying to figure out
how to fuck safely.
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I was like,
"I'll make these dudes wear a mask."
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No, that's not cute. That's not sexy.
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I was like,
"Ooh, I'll fuck somebody I know."
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So I was going through the Rolodex,
the Dick-o-dex, and…
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[audience laughs]
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I matched with this dude. All right.
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I texted this dude
I matched with on Bumble,
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who's also like a friend,
and I texted him.
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I said, "Hey, you want
to meet me at a glory hole?"
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[audience laughs]
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And he said, "No."
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[audience laughs]
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And then he followed it up with,
"I'm actually dating somebody.
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Do you want to do my podcast?"
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[audience groans]
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That second part,
it hurt worse than the first part.
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[audience laughs]
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Oh wait, does everybody here know
what a glory hole is?
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[audience cheers]
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I feel like there's some shy people.
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Get involved. I'll tell you.
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Okay, so like a traditional glory hole,
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a classic, if you will.
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[audience laughs]
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It's a wall with a hole cut out
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and you put your dick
in there and you're like a Senator. And…
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[audience laughs]
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…a very cute twink is on the other side,
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who kind of looks like you.
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And…
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they're on the other side
on their knees being like,
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"Yum, yum!
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00:11:28,897 --> 00:11:31,692
Choo-choo! My tummy full."
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[audience laughs]
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So that's a glory hole.
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00:11:36,405 --> 00:11:37,407
And…
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00:11:39,450 --> 00:11:41,827
And I've been Googling
"glory holes for ladies"
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'cause it's a very masculine thing.
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I'm like, "Where are
the glory holes for the ladies?"
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Are there glory holes
for ladies here in New York City?
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-Probably.
-Probably?
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That's not a yes, okay?
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00:11:54,465 --> 00:11:55,883
[audience laughs]
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Truly, I've been Googling it so much.
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My FBI agent's like, "Is she okay?"
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00:12:00,763 --> 00:12:02,347
No, I am not.
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No. Very fucking horny.
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00:12:05,308 --> 00:12:07,437
Also, what a good late night commercial?
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"You've heard of glory holes,
introducing glory holes for ladies!"
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00:12:11,940 --> 00:12:13,900
[audience laughs and applauds]
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But I can't find any here
in the good old US of A.
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But I did find some
glory holes in Germany!
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So I'm going on a vacation!
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[audience applauds]
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And the way they do it in Germany
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is a lady lies on a table
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and there's a wall that cuts her in half.
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And then her pussy is
just like out for the taking.
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And all I could think was,
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"What if nobody chooses me?
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What if I don't feel
slurp, slurp, suck, suck?
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00:12:48,102 --> 00:12:50,562
[audience laughs]
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What if the only thing I feel
is the wind on my bald pussy?"
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[audience laughs]
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That is a level of rejection
that I am not ready for, okay?
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00:13:07,622 --> 00:13:10,082
Something else I learned
during the pandemie
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is you can order a singular bottle
of ranch to your door.
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[audience laughs]
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00:13:15,462 --> 00:13:18,132
But it will cost you $20.
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So I'm vegan. Thank you.
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Thank you, she's a hero.
It's my cross to bear.
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Thank you.
262
00:13:26,432 --> 00:13:27,850
And I was making some vegan
263
00:13:27,933 --> 00:13:29,810
[high pitched voice] chik'n nuggets!
264
00:13:29,893 --> 00:13:31,603
You know, vegan chik'n nuggets.
265
00:13:31,687 --> 00:13:34,273
-How--
-[audience laughs]
266
00:13:34,357 --> 00:13:36,900
How come all vegan food
has K's and apostrophes
267
00:13:36,983 --> 00:13:38,860
where they don't belong?
268
00:13:39,653 --> 00:13:42,405
They're like,
"It's chik'n, not chicken. It's chik'n."
269
00:13:42,488 --> 00:13:43,490
So…
270
00:13:43,573 --> 00:13:45,117
[audience laughs]
271
00:13:45,200 --> 00:13:47,202
So I was making my vegan chik'n nuggets
272
00:13:47,285 --> 00:13:49,288
and I am a vegan, okay.
273
00:13:49,372 --> 00:13:51,373
Before you say… I'm a vegan, all right?
274
00:13:51,457 --> 00:13:52,875
Except for eggs.
275
00:13:52,958 --> 00:13:53,958
Um…
276
00:13:54,585 --> 00:13:56,212
sometimes Kraft ranch dressing.
277
00:13:56,295 --> 00:13:57,503
Sometimes a rib or two.
278
00:13:57,588 --> 00:13:59,465
Okay, maybe I am not a vegan,
279
00:13:59,548 --> 00:14:00,883
but the important thing is
280
00:14:00,967 --> 00:14:03,802
I identify as a vegan.
281
00:14:03,885 --> 00:14:04,803
Okay?
282
00:14:04,887 --> 00:14:07,388
I'm like the Rachel Dolezal of veganism.
283
00:14:07,472 --> 00:14:08,765
All right?
284
00:14:12,937 --> 00:14:14,897
So I was making my vegan chik'n nuggets
285
00:14:14,980 --> 00:14:17,023
and I wanted some ranch.
286
00:14:17,107 --> 00:14:19,777
So I hopped onto Postmates
and I ordered my ranch
287
00:14:19,860 --> 00:14:22,070
and I was waiting for it
to come to my door.
288
00:14:22,153 --> 00:14:23,280
Ding dong. It comes.
289
00:14:23,363 --> 00:14:24,740
I open the door
290
00:14:24,823 --> 00:14:26,908
and there's just a loose bottle of ranch.
291
00:14:26,992 --> 00:14:28,743
[audience laughs]
292
00:14:32,122 --> 00:14:34,417
No bag, no nothing.
293
00:14:34,500 --> 00:14:35,960
[audience laughs]
294
00:14:36,710 --> 00:14:41,132
I mean, for $20 you could
at least give me a bag
295
00:14:41,215 --> 00:14:43,175
or tickle my clit, you know?
296
00:14:43,258 --> 00:14:44,552
[audience laughs]
297
00:14:44,635 --> 00:14:47,428
Imagine there's a button like,
"Tip or tickle?"
298
00:14:47,512 --> 00:14:50,015
-[Nicole laughs]
-[audience laughs]
299
00:14:50,098 --> 00:14:52,017
And I couldn't help but think about it
300
00:14:52,100 --> 00:14:54,562
from the Postmates perspective, you know?
301
00:14:54,645 --> 00:14:56,563
They're working through the pandemie.
302
00:14:56,647 --> 00:14:58,982
They're like,
"I am delivering the essentials.
303
00:14:59,065 --> 00:15:00,858
I am doing the Lord's work."
304
00:15:00,943 --> 00:15:02,360
Beep-bop-boop.
305
00:15:02,443 --> 00:15:05,072
"One singular bottle of ranch?"
306
00:15:05,155 --> 00:15:07,032
[audience laughs]
307
00:15:07,825 --> 00:15:09,993
"This bitch wants me to risk my life
308
00:15:10,077 --> 00:15:11,578
for some sauce?
309
00:15:13,330 --> 00:15:15,582
No, I'm not giving her a bag. No way.
310
00:15:15,665 --> 00:15:16,792
No.
311
00:15:16,875 --> 00:15:20,212
And what? Make her neighbors think
she's ordering essentials?
312
00:15:20,295 --> 00:15:22,172
No!
313
00:15:22,255 --> 00:15:23,423
Fuck that bitch!"
314
00:15:23,507 --> 00:15:25,008
[laughs]
315
00:15:25,092 --> 00:15:26,218
[sighs]
316
00:15:29,347 --> 00:15:31,140
At the end of 2020,
317
00:15:31,223 --> 00:15:33,725
I dislocated my ankle.
318
00:15:33,808 --> 00:15:37,020
Yeah, 'cause the good Lord was like,
"My child, fuck you."
319
00:15:37,103 --> 00:15:38,938
[audience laughs]
320
00:15:41,233 --> 00:15:43,235
I dislocated my ankle
321
00:15:43,318 --> 00:15:46,488
because I fell all the way down my stairs
322
00:15:46,572 --> 00:15:49,492
because I was too excited
to leave my house.
323
00:15:49,575 --> 00:15:50,658
[audience laughs]
324
00:15:51,577 --> 00:15:54,830
And I had to go to
Glendale Memorial Hospital.
325
00:15:54,913 --> 00:15:58,292
If you are ever in
the Greater Los Angeles area,
326
00:15:58,375 --> 00:16:00,127
I say, don't go, okay?
327
00:16:00,210 --> 00:16:01,628
[audience laughs]
328
00:16:01,712 --> 00:16:03,505
No, I did not have a nice time.
329
00:16:03,588 --> 00:16:04,590
No.
330
00:16:04,673 --> 00:16:06,383
Honestly, it was very bad.
331
00:16:06,467 --> 00:16:09,052
A nurse tried to steal my underwear.
332
00:16:09,135 --> 00:16:10,803
[audience gasps and laughs]
333
00:16:10,887 --> 00:16:12,723
We'll get into it. But first…
334
00:16:12,807 --> 00:16:14,850
[audience laughs]
335
00:16:14,933 --> 00:16:18,395
…my ambulance ride was
$700 fucking dollars
336
00:16:18,478 --> 00:16:20,772
with insurance!
337
00:16:20,855 --> 00:16:22,648
And nobody even offered me water.
338
00:16:22,733 --> 00:16:26,737
I was like, "This is the worst
Uber I've ever been in."
339
00:16:26,820 --> 00:16:29,615
My God. Also, the hospital
340
00:16:29,698 --> 00:16:31,658
propped my leg up with a pillow
341
00:16:31,742 --> 00:16:33,868
from my own living room.
342
00:16:33,952 --> 00:16:36,122
[audience laughs]
343
00:16:40,458 --> 00:16:43,045
People kept walking by
being like, "Target?"
344
00:16:43,128 --> 00:16:45,338
I was like, "No, Anthropology.
I'm thriving."
345
00:16:45,422 --> 00:16:47,717
-[audience laughs]
-[man] Whoo!
346
00:16:51,887 --> 00:16:56,558
It also took seven men
to get me out of my house.
347
00:16:56,642 --> 00:16:58,685
And I was like, "I could be embarrassed"
348
00:16:58,768 --> 00:17:01,605
or I could get a gang bang!
349
00:17:01,688 --> 00:17:03,232
[audience laughs]
350
00:17:03,315 --> 00:17:04,858
But I did not have a nice time
351
00:17:04,942 --> 00:17:06,985
there was no gang bang to be had.
352
00:17:07,068 --> 00:17:09,153
And at the hospital I said,
353
00:17:09,237 --> 00:17:11,740
"Excuse me, can I have pain medication?
354
00:17:11,823 --> 00:17:13,492
'Cause I am not thriving."
355
00:17:13,575 --> 00:17:15,243
And the nurse said, "Oh, okay."
356
00:17:15,327 --> 00:17:17,955
And he gives me the IV and he gives me
a little pump of something.
357
00:17:18,038 --> 00:17:20,540
And I was like, "Yum, yum, yum.
Yes, she's alive."
358
00:17:20,623 --> 00:17:23,002
And I was like,
"Actually, no, I still passed away.
359
00:17:23,085 --> 00:17:24,462
What the fuck was that?"
360
00:17:24,545 --> 00:17:26,088
And he said it was a placebo.
361
00:17:26,172 --> 00:17:27,882
It was a saline injection.
362
00:17:27,965 --> 00:17:31,008
And I said, "Sir,
my ankle looks like a fucking U-turn.
363
00:17:31,093 --> 00:17:33,845
You better give me some fucking shit."
364
00:17:33,928 --> 00:17:35,430
I don't know if you know this,
365
00:17:35,513 --> 00:17:37,975
but Black and Brown people
are prescribed opioids
366
00:17:38,058 --> 00:17:39,935
at a lower rate than White people.
367
00:17:40,018 --> 00:17:42,897
So White people have
a higher addiction rate to heroin.
368
00:17:42,980 --> 00:17:45,273
And I said to myself, "Huh?
369
00:17:45,357 --> 00:17:47,860
Maybe sometimes racism's good?"
370
00:17:47,943 --> 00:17:49,528
[audience laughs]
371
00:17:53,907 --> 00:17:58,870
'Cause Black and Brown people have
kind of circumvented the opioid crisis.
372
00:17:58,953 --> 00:18:01,998
Anyway, back to that nurse
who tried to steal my underwear.
373
00:18:02,082 --> 00:18:03,583
[audience cheers]
374
00:18:06,503 --> 00:18:08,880
So I was lying in
the hospital bed and I said,
375
00:18:08,963 --> 00:18:10,673
"Excuse me, I have to pee."
376
00:18:10,757 --> 00:18:13,343
And he said, "Oh no, you can't walk."
377
00:18:14,803 --> 00:18:16,513
[audience laughs]
378
00:18:17,263 --> 00:18:21,058
I said, "There's a ton of motherfuckers
in this hospital who can't walk,
379
00:18:21,143 --> 00:18:22,352
how do they pee?"
380
00:18:22,435 --> 00:18:24,605
And he said, "Let's get Jenny."
381
00:18:24,688 --> 00:18:27,690
I was like, "Who the fuck is Jenny?"
382
00:18:27,773 --> 00:18:29,400
Who is she? The Pee Whisperer?
383
00:18:29,485 --> 00:18:30,693
What's happening?
384
00:18:30,777 --> 00:18:34,030
So Jenny comes in, and this is truly
what she sounded like, she said,
385
00:18:34,113 --> 00:18:36,783
"Oh no!
386
00:18:36,867 --> 00:18:39,452
You gotta go pee-pee!"
387
00:18:39,537 --> 00:18:41,330
[audience laughs]
388
00:18:46,335 --> 00:18:48,170
I said, "Yes, Jenny,
389
00:18:48,253 --> 00:18:50,630
I have to pee-pee."
390
00:18:50,713 --> 00:18:52,798
And then she explains this machine to me.
391
00:18:52,883 --> 00:18:55,260
She goes, "Okay, here is the canister
392
00:18:55,343 --> 00:18:56,803
and then here is the hose.
393
00:18:56,887 --> 00:18:58,930
And it sucks it up and you put this part
394
00:18:59,013 --> 00:19:00,682
right on your hoo-ha."
395
00:19:00,765 --> 00:19:02,267
And I was like, "Hoo-ha?"
396
00:19:03,268 --> 00:19:04,687
Hoo-ha?
397
00:19:04,770 --> 00:19:06,438
Use the medical term: "pussy".
398
00:19:06,522 --> 00:19:08,773
[audience laughs]
399
00:19:08,857 --> 00:19:10,900
What are we doing? Grow up.
400
00:19:10,983 --> 00:19:12,610
So…
401
00:19:12,693 --> 00:19:14,655
I put it on my "hoo-ha".
402
00:19:14,738 --> 00:19:16,198
And Jenny says,
403
00:19:16,282 --> 00:19:19,158
"Okay, go!"
404
00:19:21,118 --> 00:19:22,913
So I start to pee
405
00:19:22,997 --> 00:19:26,082
and it just puddles up right under me.
406
00:19:26,165 --> 00:19:27,417
[audience groans]
407
00:19:27,500 --> 00:19:29,460
I looked at Jenny and I said,
408
00:19:29,545 --> 00:19:31,338
"I don't think it works."
409
00:19:32,965 --> 00:19:34,048
And then Jenny said,
410
00:19:34,132 --> 00:19:37,010
"Oh no!
411
00:19:37,093 --> 00:19:39,387
We got to clean you up!"
412
00:19:39,470 --> 00:19:43,058
And then Jenny cleaned me up
like I was a big fucking baby.
413
00:19:43,142 --> 00:19:45,727
She was like,
♪ We gotta get the right cheek clean ♪
414
00:19:45,810 --> 00:19:47,187
♪ And the left cheek clean ♪
415
00:19:47,270 --> 00:19:49,607
♪ We gotta get in your crack
I love your butt ♪
416
00:19:49,690 --> 00:19:50,857
Boop, boop!
417
00:19:50,940 --> 00:19:52,985
[audience laughs]
418
00:19:57,697 --> 00:19:59,825
She didn't sing.
419
00:19:59,908 --> 00:20:02,535
She hummed, which I think is creepier.
420
00:20:03,287 --> 00:20:04,913
And when she was done, she said,
421
00:20:04,997 --> 00:20:07,582
♪ We got to take your panties
They're all wet ♪
422
00:20:07,665 --> 00:20:10,877
I said, "Jenny, they're not wet.
I pulled them down pretty far."
423
00:20:10,960 --> 00:20:12,378
She said, "I'm taking them."
424
00:20:12,462 --> 00:20:14,088
I said, "No, please don't."
425
00:20:14,172 --> 00:20:15,673
She said, "I am."
I said, "No."
426
00:20:15,757 --> 00:20:18,052
We played tug of war
with my fucking underwear
427
00:20:18,135 --> 00:20:20,845
until I was like,
"Jenny, they're not fucking wet!"
428
00:20:20,928 --> 00:20:22,097
And then Jenny said,
429
00:20:22,180 --> 00:20:23,265
"Ha-ha!"
430
00:20:23,348 --> 00:20:24,557
So then…
431
00:20:24,642 --> 00:20:26,560
[audience laughs]
432
00:20:36,820 --> 00:20:39,072
So then I'm still lying
433
00:20:39,155 --> 00:20:41,198
in this fucking hospital bed.
434
00:20:41,283 --> 00:20:42,700
I am there for so long.
435
00:20:42,783 --> 00:20:44,535
I am there for a full eight hours.
436
00:20:44,620 --> 00:20:46,747
I clocked in and out and…
437
00:20:48,123 --> 00:20:50,208
I looked at the nurse again and I said,
438
00:20:50,292 --> 00:20:51,627
"Excuse me,
439
00:20:51,710 --> 00:20:54,087
I have to pee again."
440
00:20:54,170 --> 00:20:56,965
And he said, "Let's get Jenny."
441
00:20:57,673 --> 00:20:59,677
And I said, "Let's get Jenny."
442
00:20:59,760 --> 00:21:01,803
[audience laughs]
443
00:21:04,973 --> 00:21:06,850
So Jenny comes back and she says,
444
00:21:06,933 --> 00:21:09,227
"Again?"
445
00:21:10,312 --> 00:21:13,148
And I was like,
"Yeah, you fucking Teletubby, again."
446
00:21:13,232 --> 00:21:15,233
[audience laughs]
447
00:21:16,568 --> 00:21:19,320
So we go through it again.
I put the thing on my hoo-ha.
448
00:21:19,403 --> 00:21:20,572
The only difference is
449
00:21:20,655 --> 00:21:23,075
the other nurse didn't leave the room.
450
00:21:23,158 --> 00:21:24,325
And Jenny said,
451
00:21:24,408 --> 00:21:26,828
"Okay, go!"
452
00:21:26,912 --> 00:21:29,038
And before I could go
the other nurse said,
453
00:21:29,122 --> 00:21:31,375
"Wait, Jenny,
you didn't turn on the machine."
454
00:21:31,458 --> 00:21:33,627
[audience laughs]
455
00:21:40,008 --> 00:21:42,010
Do you think Jenny
456
00:21:42,093 --> 00:21:45,097
has the most specific kink of all time?
457
00:21:45,180 --> 00:21:47,932
[audience applauds and laughs]
458
00:21:52,478 --> 00:21:56,483
She went all the way to nursing school,
459
00:21:56,567 --> 00:21:58,985
got a job in a hospital
460
00:21:59,068 --> 00:22:01,863
and was like, "Fingies crossed.
461
00:22:01,947 --> 00:22:04,198
I'll get to clean up a messy fat Black
462
00:22:04,282 --> 00:22:06,117
and fill my pockets with panties."
463
00:22:06,200 --> 00:22:07,618
[cackles]
464
00:22:08,537 --> 00:22:10,747
[audience laughs]
465
00:22:12,165 --> 00:22:14,125
[woman laughs loudly]
466
00:22:15,168 --> 00:22:17,587
[laughs]
467
00:22:17,670 --> 00:22:18,880
That laugh.
468
00:22:18,963 --> 00:22:20,632
[audience laughs]
469
00:22:21,298 --> 00:22:24,468
I had a lot of time
to myself to recuperate
470
00:22:24,552 --> 00:22:26,972
and I was watching just a lot of TV,
471
00:22:27,055 --> 00:22:29,057
just consuming all of the content.
472
00:22:29,140 --> 00:22:32,102
And I was watching
a documentary on the KKK.
473
00:22:32,185 --> 00:22:34,478
Easy Breezy, Beautiful Tuesday.
474
00:22:34,562 --> 00:22:36,022
[audience laughs]
475
00:22:36,105 --> 00:22:38,900
And as I was watching it,
the man on the screen said,
476
00:22:38,983 --> 00:22:41,110
[Southern accent] "I'm a grand wizard."
477
00:22:41,193 --> 00:22:42,945
And I was like, "The fuck?"
478
00:22:43,028 --> 00:22:44,363
And then his friend said,
479
00:22:44,447 --> 00:22:46,115
"And I'm a grand dragon."
480
00:22:46,198 --> 00:22:47,783
I said, "Hey,
481
00:22:47,867 --> 00:22:49,995
that sounds like some Harry Potter shit."
482
00:22:50,078 --> 00:22:51,287
[audience laughs]
483
00:22:51,370 --> 00:22:53,415
So I did some investigative journalism.
484
00:22:53,498 --> 00:22:55,083
I took it to the streets.
485
00:22:55,167 --> 00:22:57,168
I looked at Wikipedia and…
486
00:22:57,252 --> 00:22:59,253
[audience laughs]
487
00:22:59,337 --> 00:23:01,088
Stay with me.
488
00:23:01,715 --> 00:23:03,842
I think Harry Potter
489
00:23:03,925 --> 00:23:06,010
is based on the KKK.
490
00:23:06,093 --> 00:23:08,053
[audience laughs]
491
00:23:10,182 --> 00:23:12,683
Let's take a journey!
492
00:23:12,767 --> 00:23:15,187
[audience applause]
493
00:23:15,270 --> 00:23:16,688
[man] Whoo!
494
00:23:18,063 --> 00:23:20,942
So, in the KKK they have grand wizards.
495
00:23:21,025 --> 00:23:22,068
What is Harry?
496
00:23:22,152 --> 00:23:23,903
A Grand Wizard.
497
00:23:23,987 --> 00:23:25,738
In the KKK they wear hooded cloaks.
498
00:23:25,822 --> 00:23:27,365
What do they wear at Hogwarts?
499
00:23:27,448 --> 00:23:28,658
Hooded cloaks.
500
00:23:28,742 --> 00:23:32,287
In the KKK they have something
called a Nighthawk and a grand Turk.
501
00:23:32,370 --> 00:23:36,332
I was like, "That's just something found
in the Forbidden Forest."
502
00:23:36,415 --> 00:23:39,962
Now, the whole premise of the KKK--
"Premise." [laughs]
503
00:23:40,045 --> 00:23:41,128
What?
504
00:23:41,212 --> 00:23:42,755
[laughs]
505
00:23:42,838 --> 00:23:45,675
No, the KKK's whole deal is…
506
00:23:45,758 --> 00:23:47,885
[audience laughs]
507
00:23:50,805 --> 00:23:54,100
It's keeping White people
and Black people separate.
508
00:23:54,183 --> 00:23:56,185
The whole premise of Harry Potter
509
00:23:56,268 --> 00:24:00,232
is keeping magical people
and non-magical people separate.
510
00:24:00,315 --> 00:24:02,025
So…
511
00:24:02,108 --> 00:24:04,485
if we follow my logic.
512
00:24:04,568 --> 00:24:06,320
Not yet, it fucking checks out, okay.
513
00:24:06,403 --> 00:24:08,323
Non-magical people
514
00:24:08,407 --> 00:24:09,825
are Black people
515
00:24:09,908 --> 00:24:11,785
and they call them "Muggles".
516
00:24:11,868 --> 00:24:13,703
And a slur for them is "Mudblood",
517
00:24:13,787 --> 00:24:16,413
which is like the N-word
of the wizarding world.
518
00:24:16,498 --> 00:24:18,708
Also at Hogwarts,
they have Muggle Studies.
519
00:24:18,792 --> 00:24:20,210
I was like, "Huh?
520
00:24:20,293 --> 00:24:21,920
That's just Black History Month.
521
00:24:22,003 --> 00:24:24,422
[audience laughs]
522
00:24:24,505 --> 00:24:27,175
Truly, I think JKKKK Rowling…
523
00:24:27,258 --> 00:24:29,802
[audience laughs]
524
00:24:29,887 --> 00:24:32,180
[cheering]
525
00:24:35,683 --> 00:24:37,810
…was sitting in that coffee shop,
526
00:24:37,893 --> 00:24:40,897
taking a break from
writing and hating Trans people.
527
00:24:40,980 --> 00:24:42,273
And…
528
00:24:42,357 --> 00:24:43,983
[laughs]
529
00:24:44,067 --> 00:24:45,277
It's a full-time job.
530
00:24:45,360 --> 00:24:46,443
And…
531
00:24:47,195 --> 00:24:50,073
she was perusing the internet,
and she was just like,
532
00:24:50,157 --> 00:24:54,285
"Oh, the KKK.
533
00:24:54,368 --> 00:24:57,872
Ooh that seems awful but also whimsical!"
534
00:24:57,955 --> 00:24:59,875
[audience laughs]
535
00:24:59,958 --> 00:25:03,002
Because if you think about it,
Harry is half-Muggle, half-Wizard.
536
00:25:03,085 --> 00:25:04,753
He's mixed. Hermione is a Muggle.
537
00:25:04,837 --> 00:25:06,840
She's Black. Ron's a Wizard. He's White.
538
00:25:06,923 --> 00:25:08,508
So if you really think about it,
539
00:25:08,592 --> 00:25:10,552
Harry Potter is a story of a mixed boy,
540
00:25:10,635 --> 00:25:12,553
his Black friend, his woke White friend,
541
00:25:12,637 --> 00:25:16,265
as they try to overthrow the racial
patriarchy of the wizarding world!
542
00:25:16,348 --> 00:25:18,643
[audience laughs and cheers]
543
00:25:20,478 --> 00:25:22,897
I need to get fucked, okay?
544
00:25:22,980 --> 00:25:24,148
[audience laughs]
545
00:25:31,030 --> 00:25:32,657
I've been traveling a lot more
546
00:25:32,740 --> 00:25:36,035
since we're pretending
that the pandemie is done.
547
00:25:36,870 --> 00:25:38,120
It's not.
548
00:25:39,288 --> 00:25:41,165
And I got to go to Pennsylvania.
549
00:25:41,248 --> 00:25:43,252
Yuck! Woof! Ugh!
550
00:25:43,918 --> 00:25:44,920
Ugh!
551
00:25:45,003 --> 00:25:47,547
What a rectangle of trash, truly.
552
00:25:47,630 --> 00:25:49,423
[audience laughs]
553
00:25:50,383 --> 00:25:52,385
From Philadelphia to Shits-burg,
554
00:25:52,468 --> 00:25:53,845
throw it away.
555
00:25:55,763 --> 00:25:57,515
Is anyone here from Pennsylvania?
556
00:25:57,598 --> 00:25:58,850
[audience members cheer]
557
00:25:58,933 --> 00:26:00,727
Whatever I stand by it.
558
00:26:00,810 --> 00:26:02,270
[audience laughs]
559
00:26:02,353 --> 00:26:06,023
You escaped.
There's a reason why you're not there.
560
00:26:06,148 --> 00:26:09,568
So I was driving through
this fucking rectangle and…
561
00:26:11,028 --> 00:26:13,030
I ran out of gas in White Haven.
562
00:26:13,113 --> 00:26:14,657
Lucky me.
563
00:26:14,740 --> 00:26:15,992
[audience laughs]
564
00:26:16,075 --> 00:26:18,160
[man laughs hard]
565
00:26:21,122 --> 00:26:23,333
You laughed too hard at my misfortune.
566
00:26:23,417 --> 00:26:25,835
[audience laughs]
567
00:26:25,918 --> 00:26:28,045
I pull into this old rickety gas station.
568
00:26:28,128 --> 00:26:29,463
I get out of my rental car.
569
00:26:29,547 --> 00:26:32,925
I'm trying to put my credit card
in the pump. It doesn't take cards.
570
00:26:33,008 --> 00:26:34,260
I was like, "The fuck?"
571
00:26:34,343 --> 00:26:36,428
So I had to go inside.
I went in and said,
572
00:26:36,512 --> 00:26:38,307
"Hey, excuse me, one gas please."
573
00:26:38,390 --> 00:26:41,267
[audience laughs]
574
00:26:41,350 --> 00:26:43,268
I don't know how to order gas.
575
00:26:44,062 --> 00:26:46,982
I'm from New Jersey
where it's illegal to pump it yourself.
576
00:26:47,065 --> 00:26:48,567
[audience cheers]
577
00:26:48,650 --> 00:26:51,402
Okay. That is some peasant shit, okay?
578
00:26:53,322 --> 00:26:54,530
In New Jersey, we're all
579
00:26:54,613 --> 00:26:57,533
[British accent]
Kings and Queens of our vehicles.
580
00:26:57,617 --> 00:26:59,160
We roll down the window and go,
581
00:26:59,243 --> 00:27:01,287
"Ta-ta fill it with your cheapest!"
582
00:27:01,370 --> 00:27:03,582
[audience laughs]
583
00:27:04,665 --> 00:27:06,500
So I said, "One gas please."
584
00:27:07,877 --> 00:27:11,715
And inside were two fat White dudes
with six teeth among them.
585
00:27:13,298 --> 00:27:16,427
And for whatever reason
they had Southern accents.
586
00:27:18,847 --> 00:27:20,557
So I said, "Oh me, oh my,
587
00:27:21,557 --> 00:27:23,560
I better get this gas to go."
588
00:27:23,643 --> 00:27:25,062
[audience laughs]
589
00:27:30,692 --> 00:27:32,110
So I get my gas to go.
590
00:27:32,193 --> 00:27:34,862
And I'm walking back to the rental car
591
00:27:34,945 --> 00:27:36,613
and I am so clumsy.
592
00:27:36,698 --> 00:27:39,033
I stepped off the curb
and I twisted my ankle.
593
00:27:39,117 --> 00:27:41,160
And all I could think of was,
594
00:27:41,243 --> 00:27:43,830
"This is how Black people die."
595
00:27:43,913 --> 00:27:46,082
So I started limping to my car,
596
00:27:46,165 --> 00:27:48,710
looking behind me, limping to my car,
597
00:27:48,793 --> 00:27:50,670
looking behind me.
598
00:27:50,753 --> 00:27:53,757
But they would've never caught up.
They were too fat.
599
00:27:53,840 --> 00:27:55,383
Also…
600
00:27:56,718 --> 00:28:00,222
what do you think they were thinking
when they looked out the window?
601
00:28:00,305 --> 00:28:01,723
Do you think they were like,
602
00:28:01,807 --> 00:28:04,975
"Ooh, look at that nice Black lady
doing the 'Thriller' dance!"
603
00:28:05,060 --> 00:28:06,643
[audience laughs]
604
00:28:16,070 --> 00:28:19,407
I also got to go to Appleton, Wisconsin.
605
00:28:19,490 --> 00:28:22,702
Oh boy, what a cute name for a town.
606
00:28:22,785 --> 00:28:25,037
Appleton, Wisconsin.
607
00:28:25,122 --> 00:28:28,583
And then you get there and they're like,
"We tricked ya, we're trash!"
608
00:28:28,667 --> 00:28:31,335
[audience laughs]
609
00:28:32,837 --> 00:28:35,798
I don't want to say everybody
who came to my shows were bad,
610
00:28:35,882 --> 00:28:39,343
but a lot of people were
on their worst fucking behavior.
611
00:28:39,427 --> 00:28:42,930
It was like they ate too much cheese
and forgot how to fucking act.
612
00:28:44,140 --> 00:28:47,768
During my show I encountered
a White woman with a birthday.
613
00:28:48,687 --> 00:28:50,147
[audience laughs]
614
00:28:50,230 --> 00:28:51,815
Yeah. You already know.
615
00:28:51,898 --> 00:28:53,650
[audience laughs harder]
616
00:28:54,942 --> 00:28:57,987
There is almost nothing on this planet,
617
00:28:58,070 --> 00:29:01,657
louder or more powerful
618
00:29:01,740 --> 00:29:04,243
than a White woman with a birthday.
619
00:29:05,328 --> 00:29:07,372
A White woman could steal a baby and go,
620
00:29:07,455 --> 00:29:10,333
"It's my birthday!"
621
00:29:10,417 --> 00:29:12,543
[audience laughs]
622
00:29:17,590 --> 00:29:19,717
And legally that's her baby.
623
00:29:19,800 --> 00:29:21,302
[audience laughs]
624
00:29:26,223 --> 00:29:29,352
The White woman with
a birthday I encountered,
625
00:29:29,435 --> 00:29:30,853
let's call her…
626
00:29:30,937 --> 00:29:33,063
mm, I don't know Krista,
627
00:29:33,147 --> 00:29:34,690
because that's her name.
628
00:29:34,773 --> 00:29:36,775
[audience laughs]
629
00:29:36,860 --> 00:29:38,277
How do I know it's her name?
630
00:29:38,360 --> 00:29:39,570
During my show she said,
631
00:29:39,653 --> 00:29:44,075
"I'm Krista, it's my birthday!"
632
00:29:47,912 --> 00:29:50,415
So then I roasted her for a little bit
633
00:29:51,540 --> 00:29:53,083
and I'll tell you something.
634
00:29:53,167 --> 00:29:55,837
Krista, woo baby, she did not like that.
635
00:29:55,920 --> 00:29:57,422
[audience laughs]
636
00:29:57,505 --> 00:30:02,343
No, because Krista evolved
into her final form,
637
00:30:03,553 --> 00:30:06,263
which is a crying White woman
with a birthday.
638
00:30:06,347 --> 00:30:08,307
[audience laughs]
639
00:30:08,390 --> 00:30:12,228
A crying White woman with a birthday
is the Mutu of the Pokémon world.
640
00:30:12,312 --> 00:30:14,147
[audience laughs]
641
00:30:16,815 --> 00:30:18,985
A crying White woman with a birthday
642
00:30:19,068 --> 00:30:21,320
is Thanos's glove.
643
00:30:21,403 --> 00:30:23,197
Do you understand what I'm saying?
644
00:30:23,280 --> 00:30:27,035
A crying White woman with a birthday
is literal kryptonite to common sense,
645
00:30:27,118 --> 00:30:28,160
okay?
646
00:30:28,243 --> 00:30:30,913
I have been in a bar bathroom,
seen a bitch crying
647
00:30:30,997 --> 00:30:32,998
surrounded by other bitches being like,
648
00:30:33,082 --> 00:30:35,252
"Ah! Somebody help her it's her birthday!"
649
00:30:35,335 --> 00:30:37,545
[audience laughs]
650
00:30:50,182 --> 00:30:52,935
And I'll tell you guys something.
651
00:30:53,018 --> 00:30:56,563
I enjoyed watching Krista cry.
652
00:30:56,647 --> 00:30:58,817
[audience applauds and cheers]
653
00:31:01,777 --> 00:31:05,113
I was like, "Is it my birthday?"
654
00:31:06,115 --> 00:31:10,077
Because I suck up White women power
and their energy.
655
00:31:10,160 --> 00:31:12,038
I watched her cry and I was like…
656
00:31:12,122 --> 00:31:13,998
[sucking in breath]
657
00:31:19,545 --> 00:31:21,923
I was Bette Midler in Hocus Pocus, okay?
658
00:31:22,007 --> 00:31:24,217
[audience laughs and cheers]
659
00:31:27,345 --> 00:31:30,723
I was sucking it up
so I could evolve to my final state,
660
00:31:30,807 --> 00:31:34,602
which is an unaffected Black woman
who doesn't give a fuck that you're crying
661
00:31:34,685 --> 00:31:36,228
or that it's your birthday.
662
00:31:36,312 --> 00:31:39,065
[audience cheers]
663
00:31:39,148 --> 00:31:42,943
[high-pitch voice]
I so sorry, I don't care!
664
00:31:43,027 --> 00:31:46,155
Because I if cried every time
something didn't go my way,
665
00:31:46,238 --> 00:31:48,282
I'd be a literal walking swimming pool.
666
00:31:48,365 --> 00:31:50,868
And I can't get this wig wet,
it was too expensive.
667
00:31:51,953 --> 00:31:52,995
It was free.
668
00:31:53,078 --> 00:31:54,038
I…
669
00:31:54,122 --> 00:31:55,540
[audience laughs]
670
00:31:57,292 --> 00:31:59,377
I have been watching a ton
671
00:31:59,460 --> 00:32:02,422
of these Karen Gone Wild videos.
672
00:32:02,505 --> 00:32:04,173
Have you guys been watching them?
673
00:32:04,257 --> 00:32:05,257
[audience cheers]
674
00:32:05,342 --> 00:32:08,637
Oh my God. They are truly
so bat shit fucking bonkers.
675
00:32:08,720 --> 00:32:10,178
I love them.
676
00:32:10,262 --> 00:32:12,848
As I watch them I'm always just like,
677
00:32:12,932 --> 00:32:14,933
who the fuck do you go home to?
678
00:32:16,393 --> 00:32:19,105
You know, like, who the fuck loves you?
679
00:32:19,605 --> 00:32:21,023
Truly.
680
00:32:21,107 --> 00:32:23,317
Like, is your kid sitting on the couch,
681
00:32:23,400 --> 00:32:25,487
scrolling through Instagram being like,
682
00:32:25,570 --> 00:32:27,072
"Mom!"
683
00:32:28,113 --> 00:32:30,533
You come in wearing
the same shirt and it's like,
684
00:32:30,617 --> 00:32:33,077
"Did you come directly
from the hate crime?"
685
00:32:33,160 --> 00:32:35,372
[audience laughs]
686
00:32:41,085 --> 00:32:44,797
How do you talk to your partner
when they fucking act like that?
687
00:32:44,880 --> 00:32:47,842
Do you wait for nightfall
when you're about to eat them out?
688
00:32:47,925 --> 00:32:49,760
No, I'm kidding.
689
00:32:49,843 --> 00:32:51,387
Nobody eats these women out.
690
00:32:51,470 --> 00:32:54,015
No!
691
00:32:54,098 --> 00:32:57,227
Otherwise they wouldn't
be screaming in public.
692
00:32:57,977 --> 00:33:01,897
And I get the irony of me
screaming at you people in public.
693
00:33:01,980 --> 00:33:03,858
I do need to be eaten out more.
694
00:33:03,942 --> 00:33:06,193
[laughs]
695
00:33:06,277 --> 00:33:07,778
But as I watch these videos,
696
00:33:07,862 --> 00:33:11,740
I realize that there's only
really like three levels of a Karen.
697
00:33:11,823 --> 00:33:14,535
The first level she's all indignant.
She's like, "Yes,
698
00:33:14,618 --> 00:33:18,330
I told that Brown woman
to go back to her brown country.
699
00:33:18,413 --> 00:33:19,332
What of it?"
700
00:33:19,415 --> 00:33:21,667
[mouthing words]
701
00:33:21,750 --> 00:33:24,003
[audience laughs]
702
00:33:25,380 --> 00:33:27,257
Second level, she's a little angrier.
703
00:33:27,340 --> 00:33:28,340
She's like, "Yes,
704
00:33:28,423 --> 00:33:31,510
I told that Brown woman
to go back to her brown country.
705
00:33:31,593 --> 00:33:34,805
Also I think she's shoplifting
'cause I saw a twinkle in her eye.
706
00:33:34,888 --> 00:33:36,598
No, I don't work here.
707
00:33:36,682 --> 00:33:38,558
No, I've never shopped here.
708
00:33:38,642 --> 00:33:40,143
Also, are these on sale?"
709
00:33:40,227 --> 00:33:42,480
[audience laughs]
710
00:33:45,190 --> 00:33:48,610
The third level,
I call this "The Ultimate Karen."
711
00:33:48,693 --> 00:33:50,947
She's found in a grocery store.
712
00:33:51,947 --> 00:33:54,658
She's throwing shit
out of her shopping cart.
713
00:33:54,742 --> 00:33:57,578
She's like, "Yes, I told that Brown woman
714
00:33:57,662 --> 00:33:59,497
to go back to her brown country.
715
00:33:59,580 --> 00:34:02,375
No, I don't eat raisins.
They look like old Black people.
716
00:34:02,458 --> 00:34:04,335
[audience laughs]
717
00:34:06,628 --> 00:34:09,632
No, I don't eat dates.
They look like old fat Black people.
718
00:34:10,382 --> 00:34:11,800
Pretzels? Can't eat them.
719
00:34:11,883 --> 00:34:13,928
Flexible Black people.
720
00:34:14,012 --> 00:34:16,472
I do not eat gingerbread men.
721
00:34:16,555 --> 00:34:19,767
They look like fancy naked Black people.
722
00:34:19,850 --> 00:34:21,143
And if they're so fancy,
723
00:34:21,227 --> 00:34:23,520
why are they naked?
724
00:34:23,603 --> 00:34:25,105
Yes, I called her the N-word.
725
00:34:25,188 --> 00:34:26,940
I used a hard R and a hard G.
726
00:34:27,023 --> 00:34:30,110
But what you don't know is
I'm going to issue an apology later
727
00:34:30,193 --> 00:34:31,570
because my dog died.
728
00:34:31,653 --> 00:34:33,782
So I'm the real victim, me!
729
00:34:33,907 --> 00:34:35,908
A White woman. It's a dark life
730
00:34:35,992 --> 00:34:38,243
without her four-legged friend, her pooch.
731
00:34:38,327 --> 00:34:39,745
I'm being persecuted
732
00:34:39,828 --> 00:34:42,332
because I am White woman!"
733
00:34:42,415 --> 00:34:44,708
[audience laughs and applauds]
734
00:34:53,758 --> 00:34:56,553
There's a White woman here right now
who is like, "Oh…
735
00:34:56,637 --> 00:34:58,555
[audience laughs]
736
00:34:59,682 --> 00:35:02,518
…she's talking about me!"
737
00:35:02,602 --> 00:35:04,728
But listen to your friend Kelly Clarkson.
738
00:35:04,812 --> 00:35:07,148
Make a wish, take a chance and break away.
739
00:35:07,232 --> 00:35:10,568
[audience laughs and cheers]
740
00:35:24,207 --> 00:35:25,917
[sighs] I'm tired.
741
00:35:27,168 --> 00:35:28,418
I'm so tired.
742
00:35:28,502 --> 00:35:31,713
I was shaving my pussy
in the shower the other day
743
00:35:31,797 --> 00:35:35,175
and I got tired midway through.
744
00:35:35,258 --> 00:35:36,843
So I stopped.
745
00:35:36,927 --> 00:35:38,387
[audience laughs]
746
00:35:38,470 --> 00:35:40,347
And then to make myself feel better.
747
00:35:40,430 --> 00:35:43,433
I said, "Oh Nicole,
this is definitely a two-shower job."
748
00:35:43,517 --> 00:35:45,770
[audience laughs]
749
00:35:47,438 --> 00:35:49,440
It's still not done.
750
00:35:49,523 --> 00:35:51,358
[audience laughs]
751
00:35:51,442 --> 00:35:52,568
I'm tired.
752
00:35:52,652 --> 00:35:55,572
I told that joke in Tacoma
and this lady yelled at me,
753
00:35:55,655 --> 00:35:57,823
"A three-shower job!"
754
00:35:57,907 --> 00:36:00,075
[audience laughs]
755
00:36:02,035 --> 00:36:05,205
And I cannot stop thinking
about how big her pussy is.
756
00:36:05,288 --> 00:36:07,625
[audience laughs]
757
00:36:07,708 --> 00:36:09,918
Because I only have two lips.
758
00:36:10,002 --> 00:36:11,212
I…
759
00:36:11,295 --> 00:36:13,422
[audience laughs]
760
00:36:16,592 --> 00:36:19,137
I ended up fucking
an audience member after a show.
761
00:36:19,220 --> 00:36:20,847
Thank you.
762
00:36:20,930 --> 00:36:23,015
[audience cheers]
763
00:36:23,098 --> 00:36:26,643
And he was an Irishman from Ireland.
764
00:36:26,727 --> 00:36:28,562
So he had that like whole accent.
765
00:36:28,645 --> 00:36:30,690
When he came, he was like, "Arr-da-dee.
766
00:36:30,773 --> 00:36:32,525
I know who stole my lucky charms."
767
00:36:32,608 --> 00:36:34,110
[audience laughs]
768
00:36:36,362 --> 00:36:37,613
I'm kidding.
769
00:36:37,697 --> 00:36:40,157
What he actually said was,
770
00:36:40,240 --> 00:36:43,785
[Irish accent] "Ya weren't kidding
about being half-shaven now were ya?"
771
00:36:43,868 --> 00:36:46,622
[audience laughs and applauds]
772
00:36:51,043 --> 00:36:53,922
"If we were in Ireland,
I'd call ya Patchy O'Hoolaghan."
773
00:36:54,005 --> 00:36:56,090
[audience laughs]
774
00:36:56,173 --> 00:36:57,300
And I was like,
775
00:36:57,383 --> 00:37:00,720
"How do you Irish goodbye
from your own hotel room?"
776
00:37:00,803 --> 00:37:03,722
[audience laughs]
777
00:37:03,805 --> 00:37:04,890
I'm tired.
778
00:37:04,973 --> 00:37:06,808
[audience laughs]
779
00:37:06,892 --> 00:37:09,437
I'm so tired. I'm tired of movie remakes.
780
00:37:09,520 --> 00:37:10,813
Great segue, right?
781
00:37:10,897 --> 00:37:12,690
Like…
782
00:37:12,773 --> 00:37:15,943
why are they remaking everything?
I already saw it. Truly.
783
00:37:16,027 --> 00:37:18,737
Who was that new Lion King for?
784
00:37:21,782 --> 00:37:25,327
What child saw the original
Lion King and was like,
785
00:37:25,410 --> 00:37:29,123
[child voice] "I mean
I get that they're lions, but oh boy,
786
00:37:29,207 --> 00:37:31,917
they were not realistic enough!"
787
00:37:32,000 --> 00:37:34,753
[audience laughs]
788
00:37:35,755 --> 00:37:36,755
Who was it for?
789
00:37:36,838 --> 00:37:38,507
And then Beyoncé was Nala.
790
00:37:38,590 --> 00:37:39,883
Who signed off on that?
791
00:37:40,008 --> 00:37:41,510
[audience laughs]
792
00:37:41,593 --> 00:37:44,180
Who thought that was a good idea?
793
00:37:44,263 --> 00:37:47,015
"Simba, let's go to the watering hole."
794
00:37:47,098 --> 00:37:49,727
[audience laughs and applauds]
795
00:37:55,148 --> 00:37:57,860
Who thought that was a good idea?
796
00:37:57,943 --> 00:38:01,197
And if you don't know
what Beyoncé's speaking voice sounds like,
797
00:38:01,280 --> 00:38:04,242
[mimics Beyoncé] tonight
when you go home, tuck yourself in,
798
00:38:04,325 --> 00:38:06,535
watch a video on YouTube,
and you'll be like,
799
00:38:06,618 --> 00:38:08,870
"Hey, that was a pretty good impression."
800
00:38:08,953 --> 00:38:10,957
[audience laughs]
801
00:38:14,002 --> 00:38:16,795
But my point is Beyoncé is too powerful
802
00:38:16,878 --> 00:38:19,173
to be a secondary character.
803
00:38:19,257 --> 00:38:21,967
If you're remaking
the Lion King with Beyoncé,
804
00:38:22,050 --> 00:38:24,262
let Beyoncé be the Lion King!
805
00:38:24,345 --> 00:38:26,722
[audience cheers]
806
00:38:28,390 --> 00:38:30,642
But it is funny, Simba.
807
00:38:30,727 --> 00:38:32,268
They also…
808
00:38:32,353 --> 00:38:34,188
[audience laughs]
809
00:38:36,565 --> 00:38:38,900
They also remade this movie,
What Women Want?
810
00:38:38,983 --> 00:38:40,610
Do you guys remember that movie?
811
00:38:41,570 --> 00:38:43,405
Okay, if you don't remember it,
812
00:38:43,488 --> 00:38:45,532
it's a movie that starred Mel Gibson.
813
00:38:45,615 --> 00:38:47,410
-He could hear the--
-[woman whoops]
814
00:38:47,493 --> 00:38:49,162
Okay. He could…
815
00:38:49,245 --> 00:38:51,163
[audience laughs]
816
00:38:55,167 --> 00:38:57,587
Woo for Mel Gibson?
817
00:38:58,920 --> 00:39:02,257
Have you been in quarantine
your whole life?
818
00:39:02,340 --> 00:39:05,343
-[audience cheers and claps]
-[Nicole giggles]
819
00:39:07,763 --> 00:39:10,515
Okay. So What Women Want is a movie
820
00:39:10,598 --> 00:39:12,643
that starred Mel Gibson.
821
00:39:12,727 --> 00:39:14,687
He could hear the thoughts of women
822
00:39:14,770 --> 00:39:17,022
and he used that to treat them better.
823
00:39:17,105 --> 00:39:18,398
And then Mel Gibson said,
824
00:39:18,482 --> 00:39:20,025
"This stays in the movie."
825
00:39:20,108 --> 00:39:22,110
[audience laughs]
826
00:39:22,987 --> 00:39:24,155
Got him.
827
00:39:24,238 --> 00:39:26,573
So then…
828
00:39:26,657 --> 00:39:29,202
they remade the movie
with Taraji P. Henson.
829
00:39:29,285 --> 00:39:31,287
And it's called What Men Want.
830
00:39:31,370 --> 00:39:33,247
And I was like, "Huh?"
831
00:39:33,330 --> 00:39:35,332
We already know…
832
00:39:35,415 --> 00:39:36,875
[audience laughs]
833
00:39:36,958 --> 00:39:38,960
…what men want.
834
00:39:39,043 --> 00:39:41,213
What is that movie? What is it?
835
00:39:41,297 --> 00:39:43,632
Is it Taraji walking around,
having a nice day?
836
00:39:43,715 --> 00:39:46,510
She sees a man, she waves, he waves back.
837
00:39:46,593 --> 00:39:48,762
Then she hears his thought
and all it is is,
838
00:39:48,845 --> 00:39:50,597
"I want you to guzzle my cum."
839
00:39:50,680 --> 00:39:52,850
[audience laughs]
840
00:39:55,685 --> 00:39:58,813
What is that movie?
841
00:39:58,897 --> 00:40:01,692
Is it just an hour and a half
of her being afraid?
842
00:40:01,775 --> 00:40:03,235
What is it?
843
00:40:03,318 --> 00:40:05,445
[audience laughs and claps]
844
00:40:08,782 --> 00:40:11,160
It might sound like I hate men.
845
00:40:11,243 --> 00:40:13,162
Hey, hey, hey. I do.
846
00:40:14,122 --> 00:40:15,705
I do.
847
00:40:15,790 --> 00:40:17,458
[audience cheers and claps]
848
00:40:18,708 --> 00:40:23,630
A lot of you gentlemen
are real fucking dumpsters, okay?
849
00:40:23,713 --> 00:40:25,842
But also, I really want a boyfriend.
850
00:40:25,925 --> 00:40:27,552
[giggles]
851
00:40:27,635 --> 00:40:30,428
I just want to like hop in
the dumpster and suck a dick,
852
00:40:30,512 --> 00:40:31,930
you know what I'm saying?
853
00:40:32,013 --> 00:40:33,223
Just get in there and be like…
854
00:40:33,307 --> 00:40:35,267
"Num, num, num, num."
855
00:40:35,350 --> 00:40:37,435
Imagine that's how I suck dick.
856
00:40:37,520 --> 00:40:39,188
[audience laughs]
857
00:40:40,522 --> 00:40:42,692
Like I'm playing the jazz sax.
858
00:40:42,775 --> 00:40:44,777
"Da-da-da-da-ding!"
859
00:40:45,735 --> 00:40:49,072
He's like, "Can you get on your knees?"
I'm like, "Catch me."
860
00:40:49,157 --> 00:40:51,117
[audience laughs]
861
00:40:51,200 --> 00:40:53,035
I'm on the ceiling like Hereditary.
862
00:40:53,618 --> 00:40:56,080
[audience laughs]
863
00:41:05,422 --> 00:41:07,382
I decided in the beginning of this year
864
00:41:07,465 --> 00:41:09,635
to like push myself out of my comfort zone
865
00:41:09,718 --> 00:41:11,345
and try something new like…
866
00:41:11,428 --> 00:41:13,638
anal. No, I'm kidding.
867
00:41:13,722 --> 00:41:15,933
No, I love anal. Lube me up.
868
00:41:16,017 --> 00:41:17,100
But…
869
00:41:17,183 --> 00:41:18,935
[audience laughs]
870
00:41:19,018 --> 00:41:22,690
…what I ended up doing was
I signed up for a twerk class.
871
00:41:22,773 --> 00:41:26,152
And when I got there,
it was me and 11 White women.
872
00:41:27,402 --> 00:41:29,112
And I got there before the teacher
873
00:41:29,197 --> 00:41:32,323
and I have a fat ass and I felt
22 eyes look at me and be like,
874
00:41:32,407 --> 00:41:33,492
"She's here."
875
00:41:33,617 --> 00:41:35,702
[audience laughs]
876
00:41:39,832 --> 00:41:43,127
"She hath risen to teach us to twerketh."
877
00:41:43,210 --> 00:41:45,712
And I told you earlier,
I suck up White women power
878
00:41:45,795 --> 00:41:47,422
and their energy. So I was like…
879
00:41:47,505 --> 00:41:49,048
[sucking in breath]
880
00:41:49,132 --> 00:41:52,720
Woo! It is all for you
barbecue Beckys, you library Lauras.
881
00:41:52,803 --> 00:41:56,223
I'm gonna teach you
how the fuck to do this. Hey!
882
00:41:56,307 --> 00:41:59,560
But then the teacher came
and I was like, "Oh yes, over here."
883
00:41:59,643 --> 00:42:00,978
[audience laughs]
884
00:42:01,062 --> 00:42:03,855
And then the music started.
You guys, I have no rhythm.
885
00:42:03,938 --> 00:42:05,023
Ha!
886
00:42:05,107 --> 00:42:08,902
What a devastating thing
to find out in person.
887
00:42:08,985 --> 00:42:11,405
My ass was a brick. It would not move.
888
00:42:11,488 --> 00:42:14,492
It was like, "I rebuke movement." Truly.
889
00:42:14,575 --> 00:42:17,160
It was fucking useless.
It was like the Liberty bell.
890
00:42:17,243 --> 00:42:19,413
Big with a crack.
People love to look at it,
891
00:42:19,497 --> 00:42:21,665
but fucking useless. I hate Pennsylvania.
892
00:42:21,748 --> 00:42:23,250
[audience laughs and cheers]
893
00:42:28,422 --> 00:42:31,050
There's a metal detector at that bell.
894
00:42:31,133 --> 00:42:33,510
Who the fuck is rolling up
to a bell being like,
895
00:42:33,593 --> 00:42:35,095
"Ding dong, big poppy pop!"
896
00:42:35,178 --> 00:42:37,305
[audience laughs]
897
00:42:44,772 --> 00:42:46,690
And after our class, I was really sad.
898
00:42:46,773 --> 00:42:49,360
I was walking back to my car.
I was like, "Aw, rats.
899
00:42:49,443 --> 00:42:50,818
Ah, dang it."
900
00:42:50,902 --> 00:42:53,613
[groans]
901
00:42:53,697 --> 00:42:54,948
[scoffs]
902
00:42:55,032 --> 00:42:56,283
"I'm a bad Black."
903
00:42:56,367 --> 00:42:57,618
And okay.
904
00:42:57,702 --> 00:43:01,747
That is not a phrase you White people
can leave here with, okay?
905
00:43:01,830 --> 00:43:03,957
But I can say it, I'm a bad Black.
906
00:43:04,040 --> 00:43:07,043
And I was thinking of the other ways
I'm a bad Black.
907
00:43:07,127 --> 00:43:09,087
And I look like I can sing.
908
00:43:09,170 --> 00:43:11,382
[audience laughs]
909
00:43:15,552 --> 00:43:18,472
You're like, "That bitch is soulful."
No, tone deaf.
910
00:43:18,555 --> 00:43:20,057
But, um…
911
00:43:21,017 --> 00:43:22,727
every time I go to karaoke,
912
00:43:22,810 --> 00:43:24,978
people get so excited.
913
00:43:25,062 --> 00:43:26,522
I walk in and they're like,
914
00:43:26,605 --> 00:43:28,482
"Ooh-oh!"
915
00:43:28,565 --> 00:43:31,443
"Ooh, there's a little
Aretha in the house."
916
00:43:33,070 --> 00:43:36,823
"Girl, ooh, it's Jennifer Hudson
before Weight Watchers."
917
00:43:37,742 --> 00:43:39,743
Fuck all of you. That's a perfect joke.
918
00:43:39,827 --> 00:43:41,870
[audience laughs and cheers]
919
00:43:46,917 --> 00:43:48,168
And I know I can't sing.
920
00:43:48,252 --> 00:43:51,255
So I do this a little teaser.
I'm like, "Maybe I will, no I won't.
921
00:43:51,338 --> 00:43:52,923
Maybe I will, no I couldn't.
922
00:43:53,007 --> 00:43:54,508
Maybe I will. I mean, no."
923
00:43:54,592 --> 00:43:57,052
Then I get drunk and I'm like,
"Excuse me."
924
00:43:57,135 --> 00:43:58,845
[audience laughs]
925
00:44:01,057 --> 00:44:02,223
"I'll do it."
926
00:44:02,307 --> 00:44:04,017
So,
927
00:44:04,100 --> 00:44:07,437
I get on stage. I start swaying off beat.
928
00:44:11,192 --> 00:44:12,818
Everyone's like, "She'll get it."
929
00:44:12,902 --> 00:44:14,362
I won't.
930
00:44:14,445 --> 00:44:16,280
[audience laughs]
931
00:44:16,363 --> 00:44:19,073
And then I start singing
and this is me really trying.
932
00:44:19,157 --> 00:44:21,702
♪ Do you believe in love after love? ♪
933
00:44:21,785 --> 00:44:22,912
♪ After love ♪
934
00:44:22,995 --> 00:44:24,455
It's not good, it's bad.
935
00:44:24,538 --> 00:44:26,748
No, Cher would truly
shoot me in the street.
936
00:44:26,832 --> 00:44:28,458
But, uh…
937
00:44:28,542 --> 00:44:30,752
the last time I did karaoke
938
00:44:30,835 --> 00:44:33,213
I sang that song and during a lull,
939
00:44:33,297 --> 00:44:35,298
this man just went, "Painful!"
940
00:44:35,382 --> 00:44:37,425
[audience laughs]
941
00:44:44,223 --> 00:44:46,185
Okay. More about me.
942
00:44:46,268 --> 00:44:48,312
I've said it a 100 times during this set,
943
00:44:48,395 --> 00:44:49,938
but I'm a single woman.
944
00:44:50,022 --> 00:44:52,190
And I was thinking to myself,
945
00:44:52,273 --> 00:44:53,733
"Nicole,
946
00:44:53,817 --> 00:44:56,403
how have you dated anyone
past three dates?
947
00:44:56,487 --> 00:44:59,030
How?"
948
00:44:59,113 --> 00:45:01,992
And I was like, "Oh yeah, I tricked them."
949
00:45:02,075 --> 00:45:03,743
[laughs]
950
00:45:03,827 --> 00:45:06,163
Because men seem
to really love a chill girl.
951
00:45:06,247 --> 00:45:07,247
[giggles]
952
00:45:07,330 --> 00:45:08,998
You know, a girl who's chill.
953
00:45:09,082 --> 00:45:10,125
A chill girl.
954
00:45:10,208 --> 00:45:12,543
And I'm not chill,
I'm fucking crazy, okay?
955
00:45:12,627 --> 00:45:14,378
[audience laughs]
956
00:45:14,463 --> 00:45:16,840
I'll be saying normal things
out loud to a guy
957
00:45:16,923 --> 00:45:20,177
and thinking the most insane things.
958
00:45:20,260 --> 00:45:22,847
Out loud I'm like, "Tee-hee,
959
00:45:22,930 --> 00:45:24,263
yes, you're very funny.
960
00:45:24,347 --> 00:45:26,142
Let's get a drink. Who me?
961
00:45:26,225 --> 00:45:27,642
I love a taco."
962
00:45:27,725 --> 00:45:29,102
And then…
963
00:45:32,230 --> 00:45:34,315
And then I'm thinking insane things like,
964
00:45:34,398 --> 00:45:37,360
"Why does it take you more
than 30 seconds to text me back?"
965
00:45:37,443 --> 00:45:38,862
[cackles]
966
00:45:39,780 --> 00:45:42,698
"Will you ever love me
more than you love your dog?"
967
00:45:42,783 --> 00:45:44,618
[cackles]
968
00:45:44,702 --> 00:45:46,787
"I know it's only been three months,
969
00:45:46,870 --> 00:45:49,457
but if you die,
do I get to go to your funeral?
970
00:45:49,540 --> 00:45:51,750
And is that when
I get to meet your mother?"
971
00:45:51,833 --> 00:45:52,960
[laughs]
972
00:45:58,173 --> 00:45:59,633
That last one's not a joke.
973
00:45:59,717 --> 00:46:00,842
I…
974
00:46:01,885 --> 00:46:04,638
said that out loud to a friend
975
00:46:04,722 --> 00:46:07,515
and she was like,
"Bitch you got to chill."
976
00:46:08,683 --> 00:46:11,228
But I've been observing
you couples out in the wild.
977
00:46:11,353 --> 00:46:13,563
And I think I've figured it out.
978
00:46:13,647 --> 00:46:16,442
You trick them by being chill at first.
979
00:46:16,525 --> 00:46:18,693
And then a couple months in,
980
00:46:18,777 --> 00:46:21,738
you get to be fucking crazy.
981
00:46:21,822 --> 00:46:26,910
Truly, the arguments you people have
in public are fucking bonkers, okay.
982
00:46:26,993 --> 00:46:29,453
And I fucking want in, all right?
983
00:46:29,538 --> 00:46:31,080
[audience laughs]
984
00:46:31,165 --> 00:46:34,292
I want to be in an elevator
with my boyfriend and six victims.
985
00:46:34,375 --> 00:46:35,752
And…
986
00:46:35,835 --> 00:46:37,795
[audience laughs]
987
00:46:38,630 --> 00:46:41,425
…I want to look up at him
as he's taller than me and say,
988
00:46:41,508 --> 00:46:44,302
"Hey, let's have a baby."
989
00:46:44,385 --> 00:46:46,095
[audience laughs]
990
00:46:46,180 --> 00:46:48,515
And he's like,
"Nicole now is not a good time."
991
00:46:48,598 --> 00:46:51,727
And I'm like, "There's never a good time."
992
00:46:51,810 --> 00:46:54,855
I don't even want a baby.
I just want those six people to know
993
00:46:54,938 --> 00:46:56,898
we're gonna talk about this later.
994
00:46:56,982 --> 00:46:59,025
[audience laughs]
995
00:46:59,108 --> 00:47:02,403
I was in a supermarket recently
in the produce section.
996
00:47:02,487 --> 00:47:03,530
Thank you.
997
00:47:03,613 --> 00:47:05,032
And…
998
00:47:06,073 --> 00:47:10,120
there was a couple shopping for apples
and he was nuzzling her neck and she said,
999
00:47:10,203 --> 00:47:11,830
"Tee-hee-hee.
1000
00:47:12,788 --> 00:47:14,667
Tee-hee-hee.
1001
00:47:15,542 --> 00:47:16,543
Tee.
1002
00:47:16,627 --> 00:47:20,297
So, you're a Red Delicious, what am I?"
1003
00:47:20,380 --> 00:47:23,008
And he goes,
"Oh, I don't know, a Granny Smith."
1004
00:47:23,675 --> 00:47:26,470
[audience laughs]
1005
00:47:26,553 --> 00:47:29,472
The way this woman reacted.
1006
00:47:29,557 --> 00:47:31,517
She truly kicked the cart and was like,
1007
00:47:31,600 --> 00:47:34,018
"A Granny Smith?!"
1008
00:47:35,645 --> 00:47:37,730
They probably went home and had hate sex.
1009
00:47:37,813 --> 00:47:39,608
I want in, okay?
1010
00:47:41,067 --> 00:47:42,777
I was at a restaurant recently
1011
00:47:42,860 --> 00:47:45,322
eavesdropping on a couple
trying to scoop secrets,
1012
00:47:45,405 --> 00:47:47,448
and the server came over and said,
1013
00:47:47,532 --> 00:47:50,785
"How's dinner?" and she said,
"Funny story.
1014
00:47:50,868 --> 00:47:54,372
So, when our food came,
I made him switch with me."
1015
00:47:54,455 --> 00:47:59,002
And I was like,
"This bitch stole this man's food."
1016
00:47:59,085 --> 00:48:00,545
There are rules.
1017
00:48:00,628 --> 00:48:02,297
He agreed to go to a restaurant.
1018
00:48:02,380 --> 00:48:04,048
He sat down, he opened the menu.
1019
00:48:04,132 --> 00:48:06,133
He said, "I want that, that came to me."
1020
00:48:06,217 --> 00:48:08,595
And she said, "Nuh-uh."
Do you know what I mean?
1021
00:48:08,678 --> 00:48:11,097
And she probably got
a good deep dicking at home.
1022
00:48:11,180 --> 00:48:12,307
I want in!
1023
00:48:12,390 --> 00:48:14,183
[audience laughs]
1024
00:48:15,685 --> 00:48:18,688
I want to behave poorly in public
and behind closed doors
1025
00:48:18,772 --> 00:48:21,733
he's like, "I tolerate you."
You know what I'm saying?
1026
00:48:21,817 --> 00:48:24,987
I want an exhausted man.
That's what I want.
1027
00:48:25,070 --> 00:48:26,488
I want an exhausted man.
1028
00:48:26,572 --> 00:48:29,700
I want to bring my boyfriend
to a party and go, "That's my boyfriend."
1029
00:48:29,783 --> 00:48:30,992
And he goes… [sobs]
1030
00:48:31,075 --> 00:48:33,370
[audience laughs]
1031
00:48:36,915 --> 00:48:38,375
"I love her."
1032
00:48:38,458 --> 00:48:40,293
[audience laughs]
1033
00:48:40,377 --> 00:48:41,712
I want an exhausted man
1034
00:48:41,795 --> 00:48:44,422
'cause if he's tired, he can't go nowhere!
1035
00:48:44,505 --> 00:48:46,467
I was thinking to myself,
1036
00:48:46,550 --> 00:48:48,802
"How do I get my exhausted man?
1037
00:48:48,885 --> 00:48:50,678
How?"
1038
00:48:53,098 --> 00:48:54,390
And I figured it was like,
1039
00:48:54,473 --> 00:48:56,810
"Okay, I'll meet someone
the old fashioned way,
1040
00:48:56,893 --> 00:48:59,562
I'll get off the apps.
I'll meet them in person at a bar."
1041
00:48:59,647 --> 00:49:01,440
So… I'm in this bar,
1042
00:49:01,523 --> 00:49:02,898
I'm talking to this guy.
1043
00:49:02,983 --> 00:49:05,318
He goes, "Hey, my name's Dave.
1044
00:49:05,402 --> 00:49:07,570
I'm really into books right now."
1045
00:49:08,488 --> 00:49:11,157
[audience laughs]
1046
00:49:12,950 --> 00:49:15,912
So I said, "Okay, Dave, uh,
1047
00:49:15,995 --> 00:49:17,747
what kind of books are you into?"
1048
00:49:17,830 --> 00:49:20,375
And he said, "The ones
that are really descriptive
1049
00:49:20,458 --> 00:49:22,377
and paint a picture in your mind."
1050
00:49:24,170 --> 00:49:25,797
So I said, "So a book?"
1051
00:49:25,880 --> 00:49:27,882
[audience laughs]
1052
00:49:27,965 --> 00:49:29,802
I can't fuck a dummy.
1053
00:49:29,885 --> 00:49:33,680
So I start flirting with
the bartender and he goes,
1054
00:49:33,763 --> 00:49:35,848
"Hey, my name's Benny.
1055
00:49:35,932 --> 00:49:37,975
You know, like 'Benny and the Jets'."
1056
00:49:39,687 --> 00:49:42,938
I was like,
"I've heard the name Benny before.
1057
00:49:43,023 --> 00:49:45,942
I didn't need the qualifier.
Do you know what a book is?"
1058
00:49:46,025 --> 00:49:48,237
He was like, "I do."
I was like, "You'll do."
1059
00:49:48,320 --> 00:49:50,655
So…
1060
00:49:50,738 --> 00:49:52,907
I was staying in the hotel above the bar
1061
00:49:52,990 --> 00:49:54,868
'cause convenience is what? Key.
1062
00:49:54,952 --> 00:49:56,870
So…
1063
00:49:56,953 --> 00:49:58,913
he comes up after his shift,
1064
00:49:58,997 --> 00:50:00,748
he knock-knocks on the door.
1065
00:50:00,832 --> 00:50:05,420
I open the door and he's standing there
holding a bowl of chicken.
1066
00:50:05,503 --> 00:50:07,338
Not a bowl of fried chicken.
1067
00:50:07,422 --> 00:50:11,258
Because that would be
a whole conversation, you know?
1068
00:50:11,342 --> 00:50:15,013
I'd be like, "Benny, I don't know you
well enough for this to be funny."
1069
00:50:15,097 --> 00:50:17,265
[audience laughs]
1070
00:50:24,230 --> 00:50:26,817
But it was a bowl of grilled chicken.
1071
00:50:26,900 --> 00:50:28,735
So I said, "Benny,
1072
00:50:28,818 --> 00:50:31,655
why do you have a bowl
of grilled chicken?"
1073
00:50:31,738 --> 00:50:33,323
And he said, "Protein."
1074
00:50:33,407 --> 00:50:35,117
[audience laughs]
1075
00:50:35,200 --> 00:50:37,410
Which, I mean, is an answer, you know.
1076
00:50:38,578 --> 00:50:41,372
But it was not the answer
I was searching for.
1077
00:50:41,457 --> 00:50:43,958
So I said,
"Benny, put your chicken on the desk.
1078
00:50:44,042 --> 00:50:46,920
You can't put it on the nightstand, no."
1079
00:50:47,003 --> 00:50:49,422
I'd be riding him, being like, "Protein."
1080
00:50:49,505 --> 00:50:51,633
[audience laughs]
1081
00:50:51,717 --> 00:50:53,008
And that's not the protein
1082
00:50:53,093 --> 00:50:54,635
I was searching for.
1083
00:50:54,718 --> 00:50:57,597
[audience laughs]
1084
00:50:57,680 --> 00:50:59,057
So we're hooking up.
1085
00:50:59,140 --> 00:51:00,683
I'm slobbing on that knob.
1086
00:51:00,767 --> 00:51:02,852
I'm sucking his dick and…
1087
00:51:03,853 --> 00:51:07,065
I get him semi-hard and I was like,
"Hey, quick, put it in."
1088
00:51:07,148 --> 00:51:08,900
Because if he puts it in semi-hard
1089
00:51:08,983 --> 00:51:11,402
you can do kegels
to help him stand at attention.
1090
00:51:11,487 --> 00:51:14,072
Also, you feel like a claw machine.
1091
00:51:14,155 --> 00:51:16,992
[audience laughs]
1092
00:51:25,000 --> 00:51:28,170
What a dumb fucking joke.
1093
00:51:28,878 --> 00:51:31,088
So then Benny's on top of me
and I was like,
1094
00:51:31,172 --> 00:51:33,090
"Hey, choke me real quick."
1095
00:51:33,175 --> 00:51:35,218
'Cause I'm an adult and I wanted to cum.
1096
00:51:35,302 --> 00:51:36,512
So…
1097
00:51:38,347 --> 00:51:39,763
Benny says, "Okay."
1098
00:51:39,848 --> 00:51:41,725
And he starts to choke me.
1099
00:51:41,808 --> 00:51:45,478
And I realize he's nowhere inside of me.
1100
00:51:45,562 --> 00:51:49,315
He is just smashing his
semi flaccid dick into my thigh.
1101
00:51:50,233 --> 00:51:52,318
So I looked up at him and I said,
1102
00:51:53,570 --> 00:51:55,113
"But you're just killing me."
1103
00:51:55,197 --> 00:51:58,032
[audience laughs]
1104
00:52:08,877 --> 00:52:12,463
And if you've never seen the face
of a man who's trying to kill you
1105
00:52:12,547 --> 00:52:15,050
who did not intend to try to kill you,
1106
00:52:15,133 --> 00:52:16,635
it's pretty funny.
1107
00:52:17,760 --> 00:52:19,428
So then Benny says, "Flip over."
1108
00:52:19,512 --> 00:52:21,013
And I was like, "Oh, I get it.
1109
00:52:21,097 --> 00:52:23,433
I wouldn't want to look
at my victim either."
1110
00:52:23,517 --> 00:52:25,643
[audience laughs]
1111
00:52:25,727 --> 00:52:29,982
So then Benny's behind me and
he utters a sentence I'll never forget.
1112
00:52:30,065 --> 00:52:31,567
He goes, "Ah, geez.
1113
00:52:31,650 --> 00:52:34,277
It's like a real wet noodle back here."
1114
00:52:34,360 --> 00:52:36,112
[audience laughs]
1115
00:52:44,662 --> 00:52:47,957
A sentence every gal wants to hear.
1116
00:52:49,167 --> 00:52:50,543
So I said, "You know what?
1117
00:52:50,627 --> 00:52:53,463
Noodles go great with chicken,
Benny, you gotta jet."
1118
00:52:53,547 --> 00:52:54,505
So…
1119
00:52:54,588 --> 00:52:56,675
[audience cheers and applauds]
1120
00:53:00,970 --> 00:53:03,097
…I'm back on the apps.
1121
00:53:03,180 --> 00:53:05,017
And I got to say,
1122
00:53:05,142 --> 00:53:08,562
you gentlemen are so poorly behaved.
1123
00:53:08,645 --> 00:53:11,313
I don't understand
why you're still sending dick pics.
1124
00:53:11,397 --> 00:53:13,107
I thought we had an understanding.
1125
00:53:13,190 --> 00:53:14,733
We don't fucking want them.
1126
00:53:14,817 --> 00:53:16,737
Does anyone here still send dick pics?
1127
00:53:16,820 --> 00:53:18,028
[man] Whoo!
1128
00:53:18,112 --> 00:53:20,448
[audience laughs]
1129
00:53:28,790 --> 00:53:31,167
Can I ask you a question?
1130
00:53:31,250 --> 00:53:32,793
Are you a homosexual?
1131
00:53:32,877 --> 00:53:34,128
What gives it away?
1132
00:53:34,212 --> 00:53:36,172
[laughs]
1133
00:53:36,255 --> 00:53:39,675
Well, you're sending it
to people who want it, right?
1134
00:53:39,758 --> 00:53:40,927
With consent.
1135
00:53:41,010 --> 00:53:44,013
Really? You're like,
"Do you consent to looking at my dick?"
1136
00:53:44,097 --> 00:53:45,682
Is that like--
1137
00:53:45,765 --> 00:53:46,892
It's in their profile.
1138
00:53:46,975 --> 00:53:48,058
Really?
1139
00:53:48,142 --> 00:53:51,020
If they accept like
forward pics immediately or not.
1140
00:53:51,103 --> 00:53:52,563
The gays are onto something.
1141
00:53:52,647 --> 00:53:53,982
[audience laughs]
1142
00:53:54,065 --> 00:53:55,275
What the fuck?
1143
00:53:55,358 --> 00:53:57,277
We need that.
1144
00:53:57,360 --> 00:53:59,653
Nobody's ever asked me a goddamn question.
1145
00:53:59,737 --> 00:54:02,448
They're like, "Look at my fucking dick."
1146
00:54:02,532 --> 00:54:04,200
"Here's a mop for reference."
1147
00:54:04,283 --> 00:54:05,952
Like, what the fu--
1148
00:54:06,035 --> 00:54:07,578
[laughs]
1149
00:54:17,922 --> 00:54:19,757
But really, I don't want a dick pic.
1150
00:54:19,840 --> 00:54:21,885
I find them useless, okay?
1151
00:54:21,968 --> 00:54:25,555
They're not helpful. It's like sending
someone IKEA instructions, okay?
1152
00:54:26,932 --> 00:54:30,477
Also, if you've seen four dicks,
you've seen them all.
1153
00:54:30,560 --> 00:54:32,187
Big, tiny, curved, and straight.
1154
00:54:32,270 --> 00:54:33,813
That is it. Four.
1155
00:54:34,897 --> 00:54:37,733
I was in Buffalo, New York,
and this girl screamed at me.
1156
00:54:37,817 --> 00:54:39,527
She said, "What about skinny?"
1157
00:54:39,610 --> 00:54:42,822
And I was like,
"Bitch that's your journey, okay."
1158
00:54:46,075 --> 00:54:48,995
I have never seen a skinny dick.
1159
00:54:49,078 --> 00:54:52,665
What are you out here fucking pencils?
What's wrong with you?
1160
00:54:52,748 --> 00:54:54,625
Is your boyfriend's name Ticonderoga.
1161
00:54:54,708 --> 00:54:56,460
I have never seen…
1162
00:54:58,547 --> 00:55:00,173
a skinny dick.
1163
00:55:00,257 --> 00:55:02,133
And if you didn't get that last joke,
1164
00:55:02,217 --> 00:55:04,052
it was just a more specific pencil.
1165
00:55:04,135 --> 00:55:06,428
[audience laughs and claps]
1166
00:55:07,888 --> 00:55:10,725
But there are four:
big, tiny, curved, and straight.
1167
00:55:10,808 --> 00:55:13,310
And there's variations
to the algorithm.
1168
00:55:16,605 --> 00:55:19,942
So you're gonna have big and straight,
big and curved, big and tiny.
1169
00:55:20,027 --> 00:55:22,112
What a terrible surprise.
1170
00:55:22,195 --> 00:55:24,238
He pulls down his pants and you're like,
1171
00:55:24,322 --> 00:55:26,365
"Ooh baby, he gonna blow my back out."
1172
00:55:26,448 --> 00:55:28,910
And then he's fucking you,
and you're like, "Huh?
1173
00:55:28,993 --> 00:55:30,578
I could be doing my taxes."
1174
00:55:34,165 --> 00:55:36,710
And then there's tiny and straight,
tiny and big.
1175
00:55:36,793 --> 00:55:39,170
What a lovely surprise.
1176
00:55:39,253 --> 00:55:42,007
He pulls down his pants
and you're like, "Ugh whatever."
1177
00:55:42,090 --> 00:55:44,175
Then afterwards you
phone a friend and say,
1178
00:55:44,258 --> 00:55:45,927
"Girl, he bruised my cervix."
1179
00:55:46,010 --> 00:55:47,720
[audience laughs]
1180
00:55:47,803 --> 00:55:50,223
A lot of you are like, "What's a cervix?"
1181
00:55:50,307 --> 00:55:52,017
[audience laughs]
1182
00:55:53,893 --> 00:55:56,103
The worst one though is tiny and curved.
1183
00:55:56,187 --> 00:55:58,565
Ah, yuck! Woof! Ugh!
1184
00:55:59,482 --> 00:56:02,318
Tiny and curved? Ew!
1185
00:56:02,402 --> 00:56:05,780
Oh, gross. That's like fucking
a hanger and that's for later.
1186
00:56:05,863 --> 00:56:08,282
[audience laughs and cheers]
1187
00:56:16,833 --> 00:56:19,835
Yeah, that was an abortion joke!
1188
00:56:19,918 --> 00:56:22,255
[audience cheers]
1189
00:56:23,130 --> 00:56:26,760
That I disguised as a dick joke!
1190
00:56:26,843 --> 00:56:28,928
And I know some of you didn't like it.
1191
00:56:29,012 --> 00:56:30,680
[laughs]
1192
00:56:30,763 --> 00:56:34,350
To you I say, tonight donate to
your local planned parenthood or ACLU.
1193
00:56:34,433 --> 00:56:37,103
[audience cheers and applauds]
1194
00:56:41,648 --> 00:56:43,985
I won't end on an abortion joke
1195
00:56:44,068 --> 00:56:45,653
because I was raised right.
1196
00:56:45,737 --> 00:56:47,530
[audience laughs]
1197
00:56:49,698 --> 00:56:51,910
So I spend a lot of time in airports
1198
00:56:51,993 --> 00:56:53,118
and on airplanes.
1199
00:56:53,202 --> 00:56:55,538
And I don't want
to generalize or stereotype,
1200
00:56:55,622 --> 00:56:58,332
I don't see that for myself.
It's not me. But…
1201
00:56:59,750 --> 00:57:01,920
All male flight attendants are gay.
1202
00:57:02,003 --> 00:57:03,797
All of them.
1203
00:57:03,880 --> 00:57:06,507
Every single last one.
1204
00:57:06,590 --> 00:57:09,885
You're like, "Ooh excuse me,
can I have a pillow?" And they go…
1205
00:57:12,430 --> 00:57:14,890
[audience laughs]
1206
00:57:25,443 --> 00:57:28,153
You're just like, "Excuse me,
1207
00:57:28,237 --> 00:57:30,365
did you just snap at me?"
1208
00:57:31,740 --> 00:57:35,077
It's almost as if someone said to them
when they were a little boy,
1209
00:57:35,162 --> 00:57:38,247
"Baby, you too much for this world,
you got to go to the sky."
1210
00:57:38,330 --> 00:57:40,208
[audience applause]
1211
00:57:51,135 --> 00:57:54,513
So I was on this flight once
and I was wearing a nameplate necklace,
1212
00:57:54,597 --> 00:57:57,308
it says my name, Nicole,
it's only six letters long,
1213
00:57:57,392 --> 00:58:00,018
but it takes up my whole chest.
1214
00:58:00,102 --> 00:58:02,313
My best friend had it made
for me in Brooklyn
1215
00:58:02,397 --> 00:58:05,275
and the jeweler said,
"Are you sure you want it that big?"
1216
00:58:05,358 --> 00:58:08,068
She said,
"Yes, I have a very tacky friend."
1217
00:58:08,152 --> 00:58:10,070
[audience laughs]
1218
00:58:12,448 --> 00:58:14,575
So I was wearing this necklace on a flight
1219
00:58:14,658 --> 00:58:16,285
and the flight attendant says,
1220
00:58:16,368 --> 00:58:17,912
"Oh, well you must be Nicole."
1221
00:58:17,995 --> 00:58:19,663
I said, "Yeah, my necklace."
1222
00:58:19,747 --> 00:58:22,458
He goes, "Yeah, but I also
recognize you from Girl Code
1223
00:58:22,542 --> 00:58:24,168
I think you're very funny."
1224
00:58:24,252 --> 00:58:26,045
And it is always so nice
1225
00:58:26,128 --> 00:58:27,963
when someone says they like your work
1226
00:58:28,047 --> 00:58:30,425
and think you're funny
'cause often you're like,
1227
00:58:30,508 --> 00:58:33,260
"I don't know if anybody likes me
or thinks I'm funny."
1228
00:58:33,343 --> 00:58:35,388
And according to Reddit, they don't.
1229
00:58:35,472 --> 00:58:37,598
[audience laughs]
1230
00:58:37,682 --> 00:58:40,602
So the flight attendant says to me,
"Do you want a drink?"
1231
00:58:40,685 --> 00:58:43,020
I said, "Yes, please.
May I have a vodka soda?"
1232
00:58:43,103 --> 00:58:44,897
And he said, "I got you.
1233
00:58:44,980 --> 00:58:47,025
I've got you. I've got you."
1234
00:58:47,108 --> 00:58:49,277
I was like, "Then go get it."
1235
00:58:49,360 --> 00:58:51,362
[audience laughs]
1236
00:58:54,615 --> 00:58:56,575
What are we doing?
1237
00:58:57,160 --> 00:59:00,580
So he brings me three of those
little airplane bottles of vodka
1238
00:59:00,663 --> 00:59:01,872
and a splash of soda.
1239
00:59:01,957 --> 00:59:03,415
And I said, "Game on."
1240
00:59:04,417 --> 00:59:07,878
So I drink that, he comes back around,
he says, "Do you want another?"
1241
00:59:07,962 --> 00:59:09,380
And I said, "Yes, please."
1242
00:59:10,965 --> 00:59:14,052
So he brings three more Nossa
and I say, "We're doing it."
1243
00:59:14,135 --> 00:59:16,637
[audience laughs]
1244
00:59:16,720 --> 00:59:20,182
So I drink that, he comes back around
and says, "Do you want another?"
1245
00:59:20,267 --> 00:59:22,977
And I said, "I don't know how to say no."
1246
00:59:23,102 --> 00:59:24,895
[audience laughs]
1247
00:59:26,897 --> 00:59:29,525
So he brings me three more.
1248
00:59:29,608 --> 00:59:32,195
If you nice people are counting along,
1249
00:59:32,278 --> 00:59:36,032
that is nine of those
airplane bottles of vodka
1250
00:59:36,115 --> 00:59:38,325
on a four-and-a-half-hour red-eye.
1251
00:59:38,408 --> 00:59:40,412
[audience laughs]
1252
00:59:43,413 --> 00:59:44,915
Everyone is sleeping
1253
00:59:44,998 --> 00:59:46,960
and I'm the drunkest I've ever been.
1254
00:59:47,043 --> 00:59:49,378
[audience laughs and claps]
1255
00:59:50,838 --> 00:59:52,965
I was sitting in my seat and I was like,
1256
00:59:53,048 --> 00:59:55,133
"What if I roll around in the aisle?"
1257
00:59:55,217 --> 00:59:57,970
[audience laughs]
1258
00:59:59,597 --> 01:00:04,893
Imagine I got up to lay down
to roll in the aisle.
1259
01:00:04,977 --> 01:00:07,313
What would that call to Ground Control be?
1260
01:00:07,397 --> 01:00:11,192
"We got to land this plane,
this big Black bitch won't sit down."
1261
01:00:11,275 --> 01:00:12,610
But then I was like,
1262
01:00:12,693 --> 01:00:16,405
[slurs] "I know what I will do.
I will not roll in the aisle,
1263
01:00:16,488 --> 01:00:18,825
I will watch Back to the Future."
1264
01:00:18,908 --> 01:00:20,785
[audience laughs]
1265
01:00:21,827 --> 01:00:24,413
So I watched Back to the Future
1266
01:00:24,497 --> 01:00:26,582
like I had never seen it before.
1267
01:00:27,500 --> 01:00:30,545
I was knee-slapping and tee-hee-ing.
1268
01:00:31,670 --> 01:00:33,923
I was three inches from the monitor.
1269
01:00:34,007 --> 01:00:35,842
[audience laughs]
1270
01:00:39,845 --> 01:00:40,972
I was like,
1271
01:00:41,055 --> 01:00:43,808
"Marty and Doc's age difference
is pretty wild."
1272
01:00:43,892 --> 01:00:46,060
[audience laughs]
1273
01:00:46,143 --> 01:00:48,395
"And is Lorraine ever okay?"
1274
01:00:48,478 --> 01:00:50,230
And… [laughs]
1275
01:00:50,313 --> 01:00:53,860
And then we land at JFK and it's 7:00 am
1276
01:00:53,943 --> 01:00:55,778
and Shake Shack is open.
1277
01:00:57,613 --> 01:01:00,700
So I say out loud to no one,
1278
01:01:00,783 --> 01:01:02,952
"Jesus loves his little baby."
1279
01:01:03,035 --> 01:01:07,290
[audience laughs and cheers]
1280
01:01:11,835 --> 01:01:15,130
'Cause I thought I'd been blessed. And…
1281
01:01:15,213 --> 01:01:18,843
I stumble up to the counter
and I place my order
1282
01:01:18,927 --> 01:01:20,720
and the guy behind the counter said,
1283
01:01:20,803 --> 01:01:22,263
"Well, you must be Nicole."
1284
01:01:22,347 --> 01:01:25,600
I responded with,
"You know who I am because I'm famous."
1285
01:01:25,683 --> 01:01:28,435
[audience laughs]
1286
01:01:35,443 --> 01:01:37,403
Famous people don't have to do that.
1287
01:01:37,487 --> 01:01:38,822
[audience laughs]
1288
01:01:38,905 --> 01:01:42,158
Also, he could read my necklace.
1289
01:01:42,242 --> 01:01:45,537
So he gives me my food to go.
His choice, not mine.
1290
01:01:45,620 --> 01:01:48,163
[audience laughs]
1291
01:01:48,247 --> 01:01:51,417
And I'm stumbling through JFK
with this bag of food, I was like,
1292
01:01:51,500 --> 01:01:54,128
"Oh my God, I'll go to the bathroom,
I got to pee."
1293
01:01:54,212 --> 01:01:57,590
So I bring my food with me to the bathroom
1294
01:01:57,673 --> 01:01:59,592
and I start peeing.
1295
01:01:59,675 --> 01:02:02,095
You know, let's get real,
I'm taking a shit.
1296
01:02:02,178 --> 01:02:03,805
[audience laughs]
1297
01:02:03,888 --> 01:02:05,598
And as I was shitting, I was like,
1298
01:02:05,682 --> 01:02:08,100
"Ooh, that burger smells so good."
1299
01:02:08,183 --> 01:02:10,060
[audience laughs]
1300
01:02:12,480 --> 01:02:14,315
So I start to eat it.
1301
01:02:14,398 --> 01:02:16,400
[audience laughs]
1302
01:02:16,483 --> 01:02:18,068
I'm single!
1303
01:02:18,152 --> 01:02:20,488
[audience laughs]
1304
01:02:20,572 --> 01:02:22,782
And then I realize what I'm doing
1305
01:02:22,865 --> 01:02:24,700
so I start crying.
1306
01:02:24,783 --> 01:02:26,702
[audience laughs]
1307
01:02:26,785 --> 01:02:31,790
So now I'm crying,
eating a burger, taking a shit.
1308
01:02:31,873 --> 01:02:33,125
And I thought to myself,
1309
01:02:33,208 --> 01:02:36,753
"I know what I'll do to make myself
feel better, I sing myself a song."
1310
01:02:36,878 --> 01:02:39,048
[audience laughs]
1311
01:02:43,427 --> 01:02:48,933
So then I out loud started to sing
"Somewhere Over the Rainbow".
1312
01:02:49,017 --> 01:02:53,603
As I'm crying, eating a burger,
taking a shit.
1313
01:02:53,687 --> 01:02:57,065
And then I look down
and I see a pair of feet.
1314
01:02:57,150 --> 01:03:00,235
[audience laughs]
1315
01:03:00,318 --> 01:03:03,613
And instead of shutting
the whole thing down,
1316
01:03:03,697 --> 01:03:05,700
I knocked on the partition.
1317
01:03:05,783 --> 01:03:07,868
[audience laughs]
1318
01:03:07,952 --> 01:03:11,955
I said, "Excuse me,
1319
01:03:12,038 --> 01:03:13,790
I'm not normally like this."
1320
01:03:13,875 --> 01:03:15,960
[audience laughs]
1321
01:03:20,715 --> 01:03:24,927
And then that woman, being
a normal human adult woman, said nothing.
1322
01:03:25,010 --> 01:03:27,930
[audience laughs]
1323
01:03:31,475 --> 01:03:35,062
And then I realize
this bathroom is filled with women.
1324
01:03:35,145 --> 01:03:37,022
[audience laughs]
1325
01:03:37,105 --> 01:03:40,400
They're all moving very slowly.
1326
01:03:40,483 --> 01:03:44,363
They're like, "I don't know
what the fuck is behind that door.
1327
01:03:45,573 --> 01:03:49,368
No, I don't know what
kind of monster that is.
1328
01:03:49,452 --> 01:03:53,788
Gloria, I will miss my flight
to see whatever the fuck that is!"
1329
01:03:53,873 --> 01:03:56,042
[audience laughs]
1330
01:03:58,752 --> 01:04:01,547
So I said out loud
to Gloria and her friends, I said,
1331
01:04:01,630 --> 01:04:04,717
"Hey, I'm okay."
1332
01:04:07,220 --> 01:04:10,430
And honestly, this last year and a half
has been pretty shitty
1333
01:04:10,513 --> 01:04:12,808
but I think we're all gonna be okay.
1334
01:04:12,892 --> 01:04:15,227
Thank you so much for fucking coming out.
1335
01:04:15,310 --> 01:04:17,062
-[audience applause]
-Truly.
1336
01:04:17,145 --> 01:04:19,440
Thank you so much. Have a good night.
1337
01:04:19,523 --> 01:04:21,775
[audience cheers and applauds]
1338
01:04:21,858 --> 01:04:24,445
[theme music plays]
1339
01:04:32,160 --> 01:04:33,662
{\an8}I need to get fucked.
1340
01:04:41,587 --> 01:04:43,672
I don't need anything, I'm alive!
1341
01:05:11,617 --> 01:05:13,660
{\an8}If you don't give me, what the fuck?
1342
01:05:16,747 --> 01:05:18,540
{\an8}Ooh, I love it!