1 00:00:02,000 --> 00:00:07,000 Downloaded from YTS.MX 2 00:00:07,465 --> 00:00:09,801     [man]   Ladies and gentlemen,              please help me welcome        3 00:00:08,000 --> 00:00:13,000 Official YIFY movies site: YTS.MX 4 00:00:09,843 --> 00:00:12,178                Pete Lee!              5 00:00:12,220 --> 00:00:15,181        [cheers and applause]         6 00:00:16,683 --> 00:00:18,643             Oh, my God.              7 00:00:23,023 --> 00:00:24,899              You, stop.              8 00:00:24,941 --> 00:00:27,610            No, but stop.             9 00:00:27,652 --> 00:00:30,905                Ah...                 10 00:00:30,947 --> 00:00:33,199              thank you.              11 00:00:33,241 --> 00:00:36,494                 Wow.                 12 00:00:36,536 --> 00:00:40,373             Oh, my God.                    What a beautiful crowd.        13 00:00:40,415 --> 00:00:43,668       -Hello. Hi. How are ya?                -[audience cheers]           14 00:00:43,710 --> 00:00:46,046            Oh, my gosh.               We're gonna party tonight, man.    15 00:00:46,087 --> 00:00:50,300      Big Showtime taping, yeah.                      Wow!                 16 00:00:50,341 --> 00:00:53,762        Yeah, cocaine, right?         17 00:00:53,803 --> 00:00:55,722            That was fun.                This table laughed real hard.     18 00:00:55,764 --> 00:00:57,766        These guys were quiet.                   Like, "[gasps]            19 00:00:57,807 --> 00:01:00,769              He knows."              20 00:01:00,810 --> 00:01:02,437          Look at my sweet,                     Wisconsin face.            21 00:01:02,479 --> 00:01:03,646     I don't know about cocaine.      22 00:01:03,688 --> 00:01:04,981          I have some cheese                    in my backpack.            23 00:01:05,023 --> 00:01:06,733                Uh...                 24 00:01:06,775 --> 00:01:08,860         I actually--Don't be                 disappointed in me,          25 00:01:08,902 --> 00:01:11,613     but I did cocaine one time.          I just wanted to smell it.       26 00:01:11,654 --> 00:01:14,324              [laughter]              27 00:01:14,365 --> 00:01:17,702  Yeah, it smelled like energy...    28 00:01:17,744 --> 00:01:21,414      and erectile dysfunction.       29 00:01:21,456 --> 00:01:23,208      What a crazy drug, right?       30 00:01:23,249 --> 00:01:24,959       You have the confidence             to talk any woman into bed      31 00:01:25,001 --> 00:01:26,169        and then you get there                  and you're like,           32 00:01:26,211 --> 00:01:30,090       "Hey, do you wanna talk?       33 00:01:30,131 --> 00:01:33,259        I'm a great listener."                     You know?               34 00:01:33,301 --> 00:01:34,969          But I didn't know                      about cocaine             35 00:01:35,011 --> 00:01:37,180     'cause I'm pretty wholesome.               Like, all I knew           36 00:01:37,222 --> 00:01:38,681        is what they told you                  in Health class.            37 00:01:38,723 --> 00:01:40,391       Do you remember that day               where they're like,          38 00:01:40,433 --> 00:01:43,728      "One sniff of this stuff,              next stop, Skid Row."         39 00:01:43,770 --> 00:01:45,438              [laughter]              40 00:01:45,480 --> 00:01:47,857       What they don't tell you          is in between those two points    41 00:01:47,899 --> 00:01:50,235          there's usually...                     years of fun.             42 00:01:50,276 --> 00:01:53,238              [laughter]              43 00:01:54,739 --> 00:01:57,408           And, sometimes,                      it never ends.             44 00:01:57,450 --> 00:02:00,120            So, I thought              I was gonna rob a liquor store.    45 00:02:00,161 --> 00:02:02,205       That's what I thought...                 was gonna happen           46 00:02:02,247 --> 00:02:03,581           the first time                     that I did cocaine.          47 00:02:03,623 --> 00:02:05,083             I was like,                     "This is where I start        48 00:02:05,125 --> 00:02:07,418       wearing leather jackets              and snappin' my fingers        49 00:02:07,460 --> 00:02:11,131       and...and dance fighting                   other men."              50 00:02:11,172 --> 00:02:12,757                Right?                51 00:02:12,799 --> 00:02:14,467        That's what I thought                  was gonna happen.           52 00:02:14,509 --> 00:02:16,636    I had no idea that on cocaine              I would just get            53 00:02:16,678 --> 00:02:20,098          way more Wisconsin                   than I already am.          54 00:02:20,140 --> 00:02:22,684        I was like, [sniffs].            Then I was like, "Geez Louise.    55 00:02:25,145 --> 00:02:28,773     This stuff really kicks you               in the keister."            56 00:02:28,815 --> 00:02:31,234           My buddy's like,            "What do you wanna do now, man?"  57 00:02:31,276 --> 00:02:33,236             I was like,                          "Volunteer.              58 00:02:33,278 --> 00:02:35,488              [laughter]              59 00:02:35,530 --> 00:02:39,033             Let's build                    a nursing home tonight."       60 00:02:39,075 --> 00:02:42,036              [laughter]              61 00:02:45,206 --> 00:02:47,083         What the hell is up                    with the jawing            62 00:02:47,125 --> 00:02:48,543        when you take cocaine?                  I didn't know--            63 00:02:48,585 --> 00:02:51,421      I was just walking around                 going, "Ahh..."            64 00:02:51,462 --> 00:02:53,798          If you were sick                and penicillin made you go,      65 00:02:53,840 --> 00:02:55,008               "Ahh..."                          You'd be like,            66 00:02:55,049 --> 00:02:57,260         "I'm not takin' it."         67 00:02:57,302 --> 00:02:59,679      I'm not good on substances                  in general.              68 00:02:59,721 --> 00:03:01,973  I'm your friend that if I have,       like, three or more alcohols      69 00:03:02,015 --> 00:03:04,309        I'm like, "[slurring]               You don't even love me.        70 00:03:04,350 --> 00:03:07,312              [laughter]              71 00:03:07,353 --> 00:03:11,733        You didn't even notice                  my new jacket."            72 00:03:11,774 --> 00:03:14,611      All my friends are, like,               alcoholic bullies.           73 00:03:14,652 --> 00:03:16,613       They're like, "Drink it.                Chug it. Slam it."          74 00:03:16,654 --> 00:03:19,574         I'm like, "I can't.             It's a daiquiri. It'll hurt."     75 00:03:23,453 --> 00:03:24,996         I'm not a manly man.         76 00:03:25,038 --> 00:03:26,206          I know I look like                     a quarterback,            77 00:03:26,247 --> 00:03:28,583  but inside I am all cheerleader.  78 00:03:30,919 --> 00:03:32,962      Like, if I was strangling                   one of you,              79 00:03:33,004 --> 00:03:36,799            you'd be like,                "Oh, your hands are so soft.     80 00:03:36,841 --> 00:03:39,761         Oh...death tickles.          81 00:03:41,262 --> 00:03:44,432        Thanks for exfoliating                 before my murder."          82 00:03:47,685 --> 00:03:50,521    Are there any ladies out here        doing a Girl's Night tonight?     83 00:03:50,563 --> 00:03:52,482     -Gettin' crazy? Yeah. Whoo.          -[woman cheers]                  84 00:03:52,523 --> 00:03:53,983                Yeah!                             Girl's Night!              85 00:03:54,025 --> 00:03:55,944             Girl's Night!              86 00:03:55,985 --> 00:04:00,073          We're not going home                 until somebody cries           87 00:04:01,824 --> 00:04:04,369          It's a Girl's Night         88 00:04:04,410 --> 00:04:06,287              [sizzles]               89 00:04:06,329 --> 00:04:07,705              [laughter]              90 00:04:07,747 --> 00:04:11,000       Yeah, I made it shimmer.       91 00:04:12,460 --> 00:04:14,128    A lot of macho guys get pissed    92 00:04:14,170 --> 00:04:16,673       when their girlfriends          have Girl's Nights and me, too,    93 00:04:16,714 --> 00:04:19,634         'cause I'm invited.          94 00:04:22,428 --> 00:04:24,514     My girlfriend's always like,             "It's just us girls          95 00:04:24,555 --> 00:04:28,351       and you can come, Pete."                    [chuckles]              96 00:04:28,393 --> 00:04:30,436  And then I get way too drunk...    97 00:04:30,478 --> 00:04:33,439      and I cry and we go home.       98 00:04:33,481 --> 00:04:36,943              [laughter]              99 00:04:36,985 --> 00:04:39,320      Yeah, I have a girlfriend                   who's real               100 00:04:39,362 --> 00:04:40,530              and, uh...              101 00:04:40,571 --> 00:04:42,073              [laughter]              102 00:04:42,115 --> 00:04:45,285       I know, shocker, right?        103 00:04:45,326 --> 00:04:47,036  Yeah, I, uh--I have a girlfriend              that's real.             104 00:04:47,078 --> 00:04:48,746            It's so funny.                When we first met each other     105 00:04:48,788 --> 00:04:50,623        she was like, "Ugh."               She's like, "I'm so happy       106 00:04:50,665 --> 00:04:53,418          that I finally met                a sensitive guy." Right?       107 00:04:53,459 --> 00:04:55,586    But now--now that it's, like,             three years later,           108 00:04:55,628 --> 00:04:58,631        she's like, "Dang it!             Who used all my body wash?"      109 00:05:00,133 --> 00:05:04,137       And I'm like, "Guilty."                      Right?                 110 00:05:04,178 --> 00:05:06,389    Right? 'Cause here's my thing.           Why would you ever use        111 00:05:06,431 --> 00:05:09,267  bar soap when there's a product           in our shower called          112 00:05:09,309 --> 00:05:13,604     Enchanted Peppermint Kisses?     113 00:05:13,646 --> 00:05:18,276    You're dang right I want some        enchanted peppermint kisses.      114 00:05:18,318 --> 00:05:21,529     I wanna smell like a unicorn             that farts Altoids.          115 00:05:24,282 --> 00:05:27,035       But she got so mad at me               'cause I don't know          116 00:05:27,076 --> 00:05:29,287  how to use body wash technology.         I didn't know you put         117 00:05:29,329 --> 00:05:31,998         a tiny, little drop                  in the poofy thing           118 00:05:32,040 --> 00:05:34,250     and then you suds it all up          and you do your whole body       119 00:05:34,292 --> 00:05:36,377       with a tiny little drop.       120 00:05:36,419 --> 00:05:39,130            I had no idea.                I was like, [squishes] "Arm.     121 00:05:39,172 --> 00:05:40,631              [squishes]                           Other arm.              122 00:05:40,673 --> 00:05:43,509           [squishes] Leg.                   [squishes] Other leg.         123 00:05:43,551 --> 00:05:46,012              [squishes]                           This area.              124 00:05:46,054 --> 00:05:48,890              [squishes]                            Repeat."               125 00:05:51,601 --> 00:05:54,228       I used a half a bottle.        126 00:05:54,270 --> 00:05:57,565    This stuff costs $38 a bottle.    127 00:05:57,607 --> 00:06:00,234             That's nu--                     That was a $19 shower.        128 00:06:00,276 --> 00:06:01,986              [laughter]              129 00:06:02,028 --> 00:06:05,573     This body is not worth that.     130 00:06:05,615 --> 00:06:07,033        She got so mad at me.                      She goes,               131 00:06:07,075 --> 00:06:08,409       "Dude, if you don't stop                   using all my             132 00:06:08,451 --> 00:06:10,078     Enchanted Peppermint Kisses                  body wash,               133 00:06:10,119 --> 00:06:13,414            I'm gonna tell                     your best friend."          134 00:06:13,456 --> 00:06:16,959      And I was like, "Well, why         would you say that to my cat?"    135 00:06:19,087 --> 00:06:21,381             By the way,                  my cat licks himself clean.      136 00:06:21,422 --> 00:06:24,717              That's a--                  That's a way weirder shower.     137 00:06:24,759 --> 00:06:26,803        Sidebar, have you guys               ever made eye contact         138 00:06:26,844 --> 00:06:29,680              with a cat               while it's licking itself clean?  139 00:06:29,722 --> 00:06:32,141         The cat's just like,                     "Uh, uh..."              140 00:06:32,183 --> 00:06:35,103              [laughter]              141 00:06:43,319 --> 00:06:45,905            You're like,                        "I feel dirty."            142 00:06:48,366 --> 00:06:50,451          So my girlfriend,                    she goes and tells          143 00:06:50,493 --> 00:06:52,870        my second best friend,                      Ryan...                144 00:06:52,912 --> 00:06:54,664         [audience chuckling]         145 00:06:54,705 --> 00:06:56,791       and Ryan confronts me.              He goes, "Dude, if I ever       146 00:06:56,833 --> 00:07:00,169       saw you using Enchanted            Peppermint Kisses body wash,     147 00:07:00,211 --> 00:07:02,588               I would                     take away your man card."       148 00:07:02,630 --> 00:07:04,924           And I was like,                  "Dude, in that scenario,       149 00:07:04,966 --> 00:07:08,428           you are the one                    watching me shower."         150 00:07:08,469 --> 00:07:11,431              [laughter]              151 00:07:15,601 --> 00:07:18,896          Which is weirder?              Me using a delicious body wash    152 00:07:18,938 --> 00:07:21,983           or him lurking                      in my bathroom...           153 00:07:22,024 --> 00:07:25,945    waiting for the aroma to plume         over the shower curtain...      154 00:07:25,987 --> 00:07:30,741    going, "Hey, bro, is that some        Enchanted Peppermint Kisses?     155 00:07:30,783 --> 00:07:33,453             Sniff sniff.             156 00:07:33,494 --> 00:07:35,872         I'm gonna take away                    your man card."            157 00:07:35,913 --> 00:07:39,459      Cachink. Cachink. Cachink.      158 00:07:39,500 --> 00:07:42,462              [laughter]              159 00:07:43,504 --> 00:07:46,007           "Hand it over."            160 00:07:53,806 --> 00:07:56,851    I'm trying to be more rugged.                  I, uh...                161 00:07:56,893 --> 00:08:00,938              [laughter]              162 00:08:00,980 --> 00:08:03,232              All right,                   that laughter was hurtful.      163 00:08:03,274 --> 00:08:06,319              [laughter]              164 00:08:06,360 --> 00:08:10,323        I wore a bomber jacket               for you guys tonight.         165 00:08:10,364 --> 00:08:14,911                Yeah,                       this is my manliest top.       166 00:08:14,952 --> 00:08:18,206                Yeah,                           I call it a top.           167 00:08:18,247 --> 00:08:19,790        Yeah, but I don't know                if you guys can tell         168 00:08:19,832 --> 00:08:22,460         by the shiny zipper,                   it's Lululemon.            169 00:08:25,129 --> 00:08:28,883       I look like a dance mom.       170 00:08:28,925 --> 00:08:31,260      I look like the dance mom              that's like, "I sewed         171 00:08:31,302 --> 00:08:35,139      the entire team's jackets          and then I made one my size."     172 00:08:38,601 --> 00:08:40,186          I'm so Mid-Western                  I should have, like,         173 00:08:40,228 --> 00:08:42,772          a stomach tattoo                     of a Crock Pot...           174 00:08:44,982 --> 00:08:47,693      with pot holders that say,              "Live, laugh, love."         175 00:08:47,735 --> 00:08:50,696              [laughter]              176 00:08:53,824 --> 00:08:55,284        I've been trying to be                     more manly              177 00:08:55,326 --> 00:08:56,953     and this is my personality,      178 00:08:56,994 --> 00:08:59,080       so I can't change that.        179 00:08:59,121 --> 00:09:00,873           So I was like,                   "Maybe if I don't speak        180 00:09:00,915 --> 00:09:02,667           I'll be manly."                       Right? Right?             181 00:09:02,708 --> 00:09:05,419    "And I just grow out stubble."        So, I grew out this stubble.     182 00:09:07,171 --> 00:09:10,174          And now I've been                    looking at people.          183 00:09:10,216 --> 00:09:12,260       But I have this haircut.               So, I just look like         184 00:09:12,301 --> 00:09:15,930       if the Property Brothers              had another brother...        185 00:09:15,972 --> 00:09:18,933              [laughter]              186 00:09:20,226 --> 00:09:23,229          who's not a twin,                        you know?               187 00:09:23,271 --> 00:09:25,523      That's kind of my general             coolness vibe in life.         188 00:09:25,565 --> 00:09:28,359     Have you ever seen a family          that has two special twins       189 00:09:28,401 --> 00:09:30,278          and then they have                    their other kid.           190 00:09:32,989 --> 00:09:36,617  Like, "This is Larry and Terry.                 I'm Gary.               191 00:09:38,536 --> 00:09:41,706                 Hi."                 192 00:09:41,747 --> 00:09:43,624                Yeah.                 193 00:09:43,666 --> 00:09:45,084                 Ugh.                 194 00:09:45,126 --> 00:09:47,461      I hope I haven't offended                anybody tonight.            195 00:09:47,503 --> 00:09:49,422       Uh, that's my nightmare,                    you know?               196 00:09:49,463 --> 00:09:52,049       I--Ugh, I hate conflict.       197 00:09:52,091 --> 00:09:54,343       Unless you guys like it,                 then I love it.            198 00:09:54,385 --> 00:09:56,345              [laughter]              199 00:09:56,387 --> 00:09:59,015    I like whatever you guys like,                 you know?               200 00:09:59,056 --> 00:10:02,977      Look at this sweet face.           I'm tall, dark, and pleasant.     201 00:10:04,895 --> 00:10:06,814    I never wanna offend anybody.            Like, the other day,          202 00:10:06,856 --> 00:10:08,399          this guy sneezed.              I wanted to say, "Bless you."     203 00:10:08,441 --> 00:10:10,693       But instead I was like,                 "Happy holidays."           204 00:10:10,735 --> 00:10:13,529              [laughter]              205 00:10:13,571 --> 00:10:16,657     I was like, "Feliz Navidad."          I don't know what to say.       206 00:10:18,200 --> 00:10:20,661        It just feels so good               to be with people again.       207 00:10:20,703 --> 00:10:21,996       You guys feel that way?        208 00:10:22,038 --> 00:10:25,374        -[cheers and applause]               -Yeah.                        209 00:10:25,416 --> 00:10:27,335              Ah, yeah.               210 00:10:29,795 --> 00:10:31,631     I've been so lonely lately.                 The other day             211 00:10:31,672 --> 00:10:33,883    my Bluetooth speaker was like,            "Ready to connect."          212 00:10:33,924 --> 00:10:37,261           And I was like,                       "Ah, me, too!             213 00:10:38,346 --> 00:10:42,016       I wanna connect so bad."       214 00:10:42,058 --> 00:10:43,601     I wanna connect with people             that don't even want          215 00:10:43,643 --> 00:10:45,770         to connect with me.                  Like, I just moved           216 00:10:45,811 --> 00:10:47,605         into the first house                  I've ever lived in          217 00:10:47,647 --> 00:10:50,024     and my next-door-neighbor's            this burly, biker dude.        218 00:10:50,066 --> 00:10:51,609      So, I went to go meet him,                     right?                219 00:10:51,651 --> 00:10:53,778        Why wouldn't you want                 to meet me, right?           220 00:10:53,819 --> 00:10:57,239              [laughter]              221 00:10:57,281 --> 00:10:59,075                Yeah.                 222 00:10:59,116 --> 00:11:01,077     So, I go to meet my neighbor                 and he goes,             223 00:11:01,118 --> 00:11:04,246             "What's up?                   My name is Chainsaw Mike."      224 00:11:04,288 --> 00:11:07,166  And I didn't want Chainsaw Mike          to think that I didn't         225 00:11:07,208 --> 00:11:09,669     also have a scary nickname,      226 00:11:09,710 --> 00:11:11,003           so I was like,                      "What's going on?           227 00:11:11,045 --> 00:11:13,005  My name is Indoor Dining Pete."    228 00:11:17,009 --> 00:11:18,552                Yeah.                 229 00:11:20,262 --> 00:11:23,599         Yeah, I'm dangerous.         230 00:11:23,641 --> 00:11:25,851         I touch door handles                   and everything.            231 00:11:25,893 --> 00:11:28,312           [audience whoos]           232 00:11:28,354 --> 00:11:30,773        I touch door handles,          but I touch 'em way up here now.  233 00:11:30,815 --> 00:11:32,900          That's what I do.                     There's less--             234 00:11:32,942 --> 00:11:36,696          There's less germs                      at altitude.             235 00:11:36,737 --> 00:11:39,281       Right? I Michelle Obama              the door handle, right?        236 00:11:39,323 --> 00:11:43,160         Other people go low,                      I go high.              237 00:11:43,202 --> 00:11:44,829          That's what I do.                   But now when I walk          238 00:11:44,870 --> 00:11:46,831           into a building                I just look like a stripper      239 00:11:46,872 --> 00:11:49,041      who's starting her dance.       240 00:11:52,837 --> 00:11:56,882      Like, I don't just enter.             I create an experience.        241 00:11:56,924 --> 00:11:58,843          [woman] Whoo! Ow!           242 00:11:58,884 --> 00:12:01,554         And then, you know,           before I leave, I wipe it down.    243 00:12:01,595 --> 00:12:03,180                Uh...                 244 00:12:04,098 --> 00:12:06,100              Tss tss.                             Oh, yeah.               245 00:12:06,142 --> 00:12:08,018           [audience whoos]           246 00:12:08,060 --> 00:12:10,438              Oh, yeah.               247 00:12:10,479 --> 00:12:12,440                Yeah.                 248 00:12:12,481 --> 00:12:15,192      You know what my pet peeve                    is now?                249 00:12:15,234 --> 00:12:19,739     Is when motion sensor sinks         don't recognize my existence.     250 00:12:19,780 --> 00:12:21,782        Isn't that the worst?               I'm just standing there        251 00:12:21,824 --> 00:12:26,328      waving my dumb hand like,                "How pale am I?"            252 00:12:26,370 --> 00:12:28,205             This thing's                   looking at my hand like,       253 00:12:28,247 --> 00:12:30,291    "Nah, that's just more sink."     254 00:12:32,752 --> 00:12:36,505          It's just judging                my bone-white ivory hand.       255 00:12:36,547 --> 00:12:38,299          I'm standing there                  waving my dumb hand.         256 00:12:38,340 --> 00:12:40,676      It's giving me no water.             A motion sensor hand foam       257 00:12:40,718 --> 00:12:44,472        is like, [squeaking].         258 00:12:44,513 --> 00:12:47,057      "I'm here for you, buddy."                   [squeaks]               259 00:12:49,143 --> 00:12:52,104           I'm like, "Ugh!"              Paper towels are like, [hums].    260 00:12:52,146 --> 00:12:55,775              [laughter]              261 00:12:55,816 --> 00:12:57,651         So what do you do?            You try different hand motions.    262 00:12:57,693 --> 00:13:01,447         Right, you're like,               "I'm gonna go really slow.      263 00:13:01,489 --> 00:13:03,240          Then I'm gonna go                      really fast."             264 00:13:03,282 --> 00:13:05,785     Then you end up doing, like,         an interpretive hand dance.      265 00:13:05,826 --> 00:13:09,205              [laughter]              266 00:13:09,246 --> 00:13:11,874    Like a weird   Cirque du Soleil.    267 00:13:11,916 --> 00:13:13,793       But then what do you do?                   You're like,             268 00:13:13,834 --> 00:13:15,836     "You know what I'm gonna do?          I'm just gonna finesse it.      269 00:13:15,878 --> 00:13:18,172         Like, a little bit."         270 00:13:18,214 --> 00:13:21,091              [laughter]              271 00:13:21,133 --> 00:13:23,427    Yeah, and then it rewards you.             It's like, squirt.          272 00:13:23,469 --> 00:13:26,514         You're like, "Ohh...         273 00:13:26,555 --> 00:13:28,474                 so,                      that's what gets you going.      274 00:13:28,516 --> 00:13:30,726              All right.              275 00:13:30,768 --> 00:13:33,854       You just wanted me to be              a gentleman about it."        276 00:13:35,439 --> 00:13:37,233              [squeaks]                        "I was watching."           277 00:13:39,401 --> 00:13:42,196              "Me, too."                             [hums]                278 00:13:44,448 --> 00:13:48,577  Why do motion sensor sinks work,   like, four percent of the time?    279 00:13:48,619 --> 00:13:52,998      But if you're sitting down          on a motion sensor toilet...     280 00:13:53,040 --> 00:13:55,251      and even one flake of lint      281 00:13:55,292 --> 00:13:58,337      floats into that stall...       282 00:13:58,379 --> 00:14:02,466             you're like,                          "Oh, no!"               283 00:14:04,009 --> 00:14:06,554     Motion sensor toilet's like,                  "Gotcha!"               284 00:14:06,595 --> 00:14:09,557          [imitates toilet                    flushing violently]          285 00:14:12,184 --> 00:14:15,020     It's shooting Niagara Falls               temperature mist            286 00:14:15,062 --> 00:14:17,690      into your butt crack skin.      287 00:14:17,731 --> 00:14:21,986    It feels like 1,000 dog noses        are nuzzling your butt cheeks.    288 00:14:25,906 --> 00:14:28,075        Has that ever happened                    to you guys?             289 00:14:28,117 --> 00:14:31,412              [laughter]              290 00:14:31,453 --> 00:14:33,080        Well, it's terrifying,                       right?                291 00:14:33,122 --> 00:14:35,583       'Cause, like, that noise            is, like, six inches below      292 00:14:35,624 --> 00:14:38,252        your most tender bits.        293 00:14:38,294 --> 00:14:40,462     It sounds like a jet engine                 with suction.             294 00:14:40,504 --> 00:14:42,172          Just, [whooshes].           295 00:14:42,214 --> 00:14:44,884     I'm so afraid it's gonna be                like, [thuds].             296 00:14:44,925 --> 00:14:46,969              [laughter]              297 00:14:47,011 --> 00:14:48,929        Just suck my junk off.        298 00:14:51,557 --> 00:14:54,560       All right, I realize now           that was a poor word choice.     299 00:14:56,854 --> 00:15:00,399           Yeah, I grew up                    in Wisconsin, yeah?          300 00:15:00,441 --> 00:15:02,943     -Oh, whoo. Yeah. All right.          -[cheers and applause]           301 00:15:02,985 --> 00:15:05,654        Yeah. Are there people                here from Wisconsin?         302 00:15:05,696 --> 00:15:07,406    -[cheers]                            -Yeah, you're from Wisconsin.     303 00:15:07,448 --> 00:15:09,199          Do you know Dave?           304 00:15:10,534 --> 00:15:14,371        He looked at me like,                     "I am Dave.              305 00:15:14,413 --> 00:15:17,249         It's been a while."          306 00:15:17,291 --> 00:15:20,127          I love Wisconsin.              Ugh, yeah, I'm from Wisconsin.    307 00:15:20,169 --> 00:15:21,837     That's why everything I say                 sounds like,              308 00:15:21,879 --> 00:15:23,047           [thick accent]                    "Oh, my gosh. Crepes.         309 00:15:23,088 --> 00:15:25,966             Tater tots."             310 00:15:26,008 --> 00:15:28,052       [normal voice] Everyone            in Wisconsin talks like this     311 00:15:28,093 --> 00:15:29,929      and when you confront them                with the accent,           312 00:15:29,970 --> 00:15:33,098        they're like, "Oh, no,            we don't talk like that. No.     313 00:15:34,516 --> 00:15:37,144       No, we talk like they do                  on the news."             314 00:15:38,854 --> 00:15:41,982     And I'm like, [thick accent]               "No, you don't."           315 00:15:42,024 --> 00:15:44,985     [normal voice] You've never       turned on nightly national news    316 00:15:45,027 --> 00:15:47,237       and heard them be like,            [thick accent] "Oh, my God!      317 00:15:47,279 --> 00:15:49,239              [laughter]              318 00:15:49,281 --> 00:15:52,076            We're out here                     in Washington D.C.          319 00:15:52,117 --> 00:15:56,372      and let me tell you, guys,                it is a ruckus.            320 00:15:56,413 --> 00:15:59,458              [laughter]              321 00:16:02,378 --> 00:16:04,505            [normal voice]                    We talk like idiots.         322 00:16:07,174 --> 00:16:08,801           I used to live                      in New York City.           323 00:16:08,842 --> 00:16:13,430       I don't know if you can         tell that by how dangerous I am.  324 00:16:13,472 --> 00:16:15,683     But when I first moved there             I auditioned to play         325 00:16:15,724 --> 00:16:18,018      a Brooklyn police officer                 on the TV show             326 00:16:18,060 --> 00:16:20,396           Law & Order: SVU.            327 00:16:20,437 --> 00:16:22,356        -[cheers and applause]               -Yeah, whoo, yeah.            328 00:16:22,398 --> 00:16:23,816              Women love                         Law & Order: SVU.          329 00:16:23,857 --> 00:16:25,693          Do you guys know             what the premise is of the show    330 00:16:25,734 --> 00:16:27,361            Law & Order: SVU?          331 00:16:27,403 --> 00:16:30,155  It's crimes only against women.    332 00:16:31,615 --> 00:16:33,409          And when you say,                      Law & Order: SVU,          333 00:16:33,450 --> 00:16:35,285           women are like,                          "Whoo!"                334 00:16:35,327 --> 00:16:37,162              [laughter]              335 00:16:37,204 --> 00:16:39,164    My girlfriend loves that show.              She'll be like,            336 00:16:39,206 --> 00:16:41,083            "Why do I have                  nightmares every night?"       337 00:16:41,125 --> 00:16:45,295       I'm like, "Do you think         it's your ladies murder show...    338 00:16:45,337 --> 00:16:47,506            that you watch               before you close your peepers?    339 00:16:47,548 --> 00:16:48,924           Do you think..."           340 00:16:48,966 --> 00:16:51,552           "Oh, no, it must               be the olives on the pizza."     341 00:16:54,013 --> 00:16:56,348        I auditioned to play               a Brooklyn police officer       342 00:16:56,390 --> 00:16:59,309    having no idea that I did not           have a Brooklyn accent         343 00:16:59,351 --> 00:17:02,312       flowing out of my face.        344 00:17:02,354 --> 00:17:04,148     I walked into that audition.                 I was like,              345 00:17:04,189 --> 00:17:05,482          [Wisconsin accent]                  "Freeze, criminals."         346 00:17:05,524 --> 00:17:08,235              [laughter]              347 00:17:08,277 --> 00:17:11,405        The director was like,                        "No.                 348 00:17:11,447 --> 00:17:13,657    You're gonna play the victim."    349 00:17:18,245 --> 00:17:19,663       All right, 'cause look               at this wholesome face.        350 00:17:19,705 --> 00:17:21,790       I do not have the face               of a hardened criminal.        351 00:17:21,832 --> 00:17:23,584         I have a face like,               "Oh, so that's who drinks       352 00:17:23,625 --> 00:17:25,586            almond milk."             353 00:17:28,255 --> 00:17:30,090             Look at me.                  I look like I stay in shape      354 00:17:30,132 --> 00:17:33,719        by only flying kites.         355 00:17:33,761 --> 00:17:35,095                Like,                    "Dude, you're getting jacked."    356 00:17:35,137 --> 00:17:37,222       "Yeah, it's been gusty."       357 00:17:42,394 --> 00:17:44,480           I scare people                    with my friendliness.         358 00:17:44,521 --> 00:17:46,190              It's weird                         and I know it.            359 00:17:46,231 --> 00:17:48,567  And I wish that I could stop it,              but I can't.             360 00:17:48,609 --> 00:17:52,029       I walk down the street,               I say hi to everyone.         361 00:17:52,071 --> 00:17:55,032           I'm like, "Hi!"                   People are like, "No.         362 00:17:56,784 --> 00:17:58,827            Don't do that.                   You're scaring my kid,        363 00:17:58,869 --> 00:18:00,996             all right?"              364 00:18:01,038 --> 00:18:02,498          I think that's why               I don't have any children.      365 00:18:02,539 --> 00:18:06,251       I think even my swimmers                  are too nice.             366 00:18:06,293 --> 00:18:08,212          I think they swim                  right over to the egg         367 00:18:08,253 --> 00:18:10,214          and they're like,               "I don't wanna be a bother.      368 00:18:10,255 --> 00:18:13,217              [laughter]              369 00:18:13,258 --> 00:18:16,095       I'm just gonna hang out           over here in the friend zone.     370 00:18:17,554 --> 00:18:20,349      If you wanna make a baby,                  ram into me.              371 00:18:22,476 --> 00:18:24,436               Sorry."                372 00:18:27,981 --> 00:18:29,691        It's hard to be tough                    with my name              373 00:18:29,733 --> 00:18:32,486       'cause my name is Peter.                    Hm, Peter.              374 00:18:33,487 --> 00:18:35,239        That's not hard core.         375 00:18:35,280 --> 00:18:36,782       Nobody's ever been like,           "Hey, whose Harley is that?"     376 00:18:36,824 --> 00:18:38,784           "It's Peter's."            377 00:18:41,912 --> 00:18:43,455           I asked my dad.                  I was like, "Why did you       378 00:18:43,497 --> 00:18:45,082           name me Peter?"               And he goes, "'Cause I thought    379 00:18:45,124 --> 00:18:46,917    it was the strongest sounding             name in the Bible."          380 00:18:46,959 --> 00:18:49,336      And I was like, "Uh...no,          you could've named me Satan."     381 00:18:52,297 --> 00:18:54,007             [man whoos]              382 00:18:54,049 --> 00:18:56,969  Pretty sure nobody would call me      Satan, Satan Pumpkin Eater.      383 00:18:59,471 --> 00:19:01,390        And even if they did,                 I'd be like, "Ahh!"          384 00:19:01,431 --> 00:19:03,684              You know?               385 00:19:03,725 --> 00:19:05,686                Crazy.                386 00:19:05,727 --> 00:19:08,522           My dad was like,                "No, Peter is a tough name      387 00:19:08,564 --> 00:19:11,150  because it comes from the Latin           word that means rock.         388 00:19:11,191 --> 00:19:13,902      So, your name means rock."      389 00:19:13,944 --> 00:19:16,989           And I was like,             "I'm pretty sure that's a lie...  390 00:19:17,030 --> 00:19:19,116     'cause otherwise he would've                called himself            391 00:19:19,158 --> 00:19:21,451      Dwayne The Peter Johnson."      392 00:19:21,493 --> 00:19:23,662              [laughter]              393 00:19:23,704 --> 00:19:26,665            "Can you smell                 what the Peter is cookin'?      394 00:19:28,584 --> 00:19:31,336     You don't wanna get smacked             around by the Peter."         395 00:19:31,378 --> 00:19:34,339              [laughter]              396 00:19:37,467 --> 00:19:40,596      I don't like my full name.             My name is Peter Lee.         397 00:19:40,637 --> 00:19:42,598         [audience snickers]          398 00:19:42,639 --> 00:19:45,017             -My name's--                         -[laughter]              399 00:19:45,058 --> 00:19:47,394        It's not a good name.                     [chuckles]               400 00:19:47,436 --> 00:19:49,354      If you're in a dark alley,               "Who goes there?"           401 00:19:49,396 --> 00:19:52,065             "Peter Lee."             402 00:19:52,107 --> 00:19:54,067           You'd be like,                   "I'm getting a wallet."        403 00:19:56,445 --> 00:19:59,573      My name sounds like a word          from a cheesy romance novel.     404 00:19:59,615 --> 00:20:04,161     Like, "She peterly sauntered             towards the window.          405 00:20:04,203 --> 00:20:07,414         He pressed into her.              His chest heaved peterly."      406 00:20:09,499 --> 00:20:11,919  My name sounds like an old Irish      woman feelin' sorry for ya.      407 00:20:11,960 --> 00:20:13,128         Like, [Irish accent]                 "Oh, you poor thing.         408 00:20:13,170 --> 00:20:14,755        You look all peterly.         409 00:20:14,796 --> 00:20:17,591              [laughter]              410 00:20:17,633 --> 00:20:19,468              Oh, here.                    Have a beer and a blanket,      411 00:20:19,509 --> 00:20:22,596         you peterly bastard.         412 00:20:22,638 --> 00:20:27,100          Oh, put your head                     on my 'teet'...            413 00:20:27,142 --> 00:20:30,354                peet."                414 00:20:30,395 --> 00:20:33,065  I just wanna be more dangerous,                 you know?               415 00:20:34,566 --> 00:20:37,444       I wanna be hard and soft                   like VELCRO.             416 00:20:40,656 --> 00:20:42,658       I want my nickname to be                 [clears throat].           417 00:20:42,699 --> 00:20:44,618              [laughter]              418 00:20:44,660 --> 00:20:46,662      I just want women to think               that I'm dangerous          419 00:20:46,703 --> 00:20:49,289            in a sexy way,                   but I never wanna make        420 00:20:49,331 --> 00:20:52,042       a woman feel in danger.             Does that make any sense?       421 00:20:52,084 --> 00:20:53,335            [woman cheers]            422 00:20:53,377 --> 00:20:56,380        -Yeah. Yeah.                         -[cheers and applause]        423 00:20:56,421 --> 00:20:58,507        Like, the other night                 I was leaving a bar          424 00:20:58,548 --> 00:21:00,467       and, uh, there was this                  real cute girl             425 00:21:00,509 --> 00:21:02,135         left in front of me.                  She was all tipsy.          426 00:21:02,177 --> 00:21:04,930         She was on her apps,                      you know?               427 00:21:04,972 --> 00:21:06,682            So I was like,                "All right, Pete, hang back.     428 00:21:06,723 --> 00:21:09,851              Don't make                      her feel in danger."         429 00:21:09,893 --> 00:21:12,271        And she's super slow.               And then she turns left.       430 00:21:12,312 --> 00:21:14,690        I was like, "Ah, man.              I gotta turn left there."       431 00:21:14,731 --> 00:21:16,233        Then she turns right.                   And I was like,            432 00:21:16,275 --> 00:21:19,194     "That's where I was going!"      433 00:21:19,236 --> 00:21:21,071             So, finally                    I just yelled after her.       434 00:21:21,113 --> 00:21:23,282                I go,                  "You are not in danger, ma'am."    435 00:21:23,323 --> 00:21:26,285              [laughter]              436 00:21:30,247 --> 00:21:32,207         I was so insulted.            She turned around and she goes,    437 00:21:32,249 --> 00:21:34,334              "I know."               438 00:21:38,046 --> 00:21:39,506                 Wow.                 439 00:21:44,803 --> 00:21:47,306    I was like, "Well, now I don't          feel emotionally safe...       440 00:21:49,016 --> 00:21:51,226     and could you walk   me   home?"     441 00:21:52,686 --> 00:21:55,022           And she took me                  as far as she was going.       442 00:21:56,648 --> 00:21:58,525          So, that was good.          443 00:22:01,778 --> 00:22:05,699      I got mistaken for being         a really bad guy the other day.    444 00:22:05,741 --> 00:22:07,743     I was in one of those, like,               college campus,            445 00:22:07,784 --> 00:22:10,329                like,                       safe space coffee shops.       446 00:22:12,122 --> 00:22:14,207       Like, you know the ones           that I'm talking about, right?    447 00:22:14,249 --> 00:22:16,752     Where you're like, [sneezes]        and they're like, "Triggered."    448 00:22:16,793 --> 00:22:20,797              [laughter]              449 00:22:20,839 --> 00:22:22,966          I burned my mouth                      on my coffee              450 00:22:23,008 --> 00:22:25,010    and this gal, she thought that        that would be a really good      451 00:22:25,052 --> 00:22:27,637       teachable moment for me.       452 00:22:27,679 --> 00:22:31,224            I was in pain.                        I go, "Oh!"              453 00:22:31,266 --> 00:22:34,895        She goes, "Excuse me,          but that is toxic masculinity."    454 00:22:36,730 --> 00:22:38,899      I was like, "Oh, I'm me.            I'll take any masculinity."      455 00:22:41,318 --> 00:22:42,694                Yeah.                 456 00:22:45,864 --> 00:22:49,326             I was like,                      "Thank you so much."         457 00:22:49,368 --> 00:22:52,412       Will you say that again             while we FaceTime my dad?       458 00:22:56,583 --> 00:22:58,335         But then she wanted                   to argue with me            459 00:22:58,377 --> 00:22:59,669         and I hate conflict.                   So I just told--           460 00:22:59,711 --> 00:23:01,630             I just spoke                     her language to her.         461 00:23:01,671 --> 00:23:03,507     I go, "Sorry, I can't fight           with you 'cause I'm doing       462 00:23:03,548 --> 00:23:05,342        a 'conflict cleanse'."        463 00:23:08,929 --> 00:23:10,263           And she's like,                    "What did you say?"          464 00:23:10,305 --> 00:23:12,391           And I was like,                      "Mindfulness."             465 00:23:14,810 --> 00:23:16,436               [silent]               466 00:23:18,271 --> 00:23:20,899         I think I'm, like,            the furthest thing in the world    467 00:23:20,941 --> 00:23:23,235          from a toxic man.           468 00:23:23,276 --> 00:23:26,571     Like, I look like if CBD oil                had a mascot.             469 00:23:28,782 --> 00:23:31,743    Like, "You're just a few drops            away from a smile."          470 00:23:31,785 --> 00:23:34,746              [laughter]              471 00:23:37,833 --> 00:23:39,751       You know what I'm like?              Have you guys ever been        472 00:23:39,793 --> 00:23:43,839        sitting on your toilet           and your bathroom door is shut    473 00:23:43,880 --> 00:23:46,883          and you're like,                   "Ah, I am all alone"?         474 00:23:46,925 --> 00:23:48,427       And then all of a sudden                  your cat's paw            475 00:23:48,468 --> 00:23:51,096        slips under the door?         476 00:23:51,138 --> 00:23:55,225           And he's like,                  "Alone no more, mi amigo.       477 00:23:55,267 --> 00:23:57,727         I wanna be in there                   with you so bad!"           478 00:24:04,234 --> 00:24:06,027           That's like me,                    but with friendship.         479 00:24:08,196 --> 00:24:11,032     I just wish I was different.        I mean, look around this room.    480 00:24:11,074 --> 00:24:12,617           No woman in here                  is looking at me like,        481 00:24:12,659 --> 00:24:16,079        "Ah, man, I bet Pete              would ravage me all night."      482 00:24:16,121 --> 00:24:18,540              [laughter]              483 00:24:18,582 --> 00:24:20,041       There are women in here                looking at me like,          484 00:24:20,083 --> 00:24:22,169             "I bet Pete                     has good penmanship."         485 00:24:24,880 --> 00:24:27,591              And I do.               486 00:24:27,632 --> 00:24:29,468    I don't have a hardcore vibe.           I'll tell you the vibe         487 00:24:29,509 --> 00:24:31,428           that I do have.             Like, if I sat down next to you    488 00:24:31,470 --> 00:24:33,013           on an airplane,                   you'd be like, "Ugh...        489 00:24:33,054 --> 00:24:35,223    this guy's gonna wanna talk."     490 00:24:38,894 --> 00:24:41,563              And I do.               491 00:24:41,605 --> 00:24:43,565         I wanna talk so bad.         492 00:24:45,400 --> 00:24:47,277    Like I choose the middle seat                 on purpose               493 00:24:47,319 --> 00:24:50,405     just so I have more options.     494 00:24:50,447 --> 00:24:53,200              I'm like,                       "Yeah, shoulders in.         495 00:24:54,784 --> 00:24:57,537        It's a snuggle storm."        496 00:24:57,579 --> 00:25:00,540              [laughter]              497 00:25:05,253 --> 00:25:07,297      Here's a little life tip.          If you're ever on an airplane     498 00:25:07,339 --> 00:25:10,634  and you're in that middle seat      and you make direct eye contact    499 00:25:10,675 --> 00:25:13,845         with your seatmates                 and then you wiggle...        500 00:25:22,270 --> 00:25:24,231       you'll get your own row.       501 00:25:24,272 --> 00:25:27,234              [laughter]              502 00:25:27,275 --> 00:25:30,237        [cheers and applause]         503 00:25:35,534 --> 00:25:37,494     That's actually the best way              to avoid conflict           504 00:25:37,536 --> 00:25:39,079           in life, right?            505 00:25:39,120 --> 00:25:42,541     All my friends are studying          Jiu-jitsu, MMA kickboxing.       506 00:25:42,582 --> 00:25:43,917              I'm like,                  "You don't gotta do all that,     507 00:25:43,959 --> 00:25:46,378        just make eye contact                    and wiggle."              508 00:25:47,879 --> 00:25:49,839        No one will fight you.        509 00:25:51,550 --> 00:25:52,884  I was in a bar the other night.    510 00:25:52,926 --> 00:25:54,386        I accidentally spilled                  this man's beer.           511 00:25:54,427 --> 00:25:56,054           He goes, "Hey!                You wanna take this outside?"     512 00:25:56,096 --> 00:25:58,098             I was like,                       "Be right there."           513 00:26:03,478 --> 00:26:06,439           I got outside.                  I was like, "Where is he?       514 00:26:08,275 --> 00:26:10,944              Oh, stranger              515 00:26:10,986 --> 00:26:13,655                Hidey ho                516 00:26:13,697 --> 00:26:16,992      You wanna wiggle together?      517 00:26:17,033 --> 00:26:19,911         I got my white belt                     in wiggles."              518 00:26:24,374 --> 00:26:27,335    The funny thing about that is              that I actually--           519 00:26:27,377 --> 00:26:28,962         I have a black belt                     in Taekwondo,             520 00:26:29,004 --> 00:26:30,714       but I got it when I was                   13 years old              521 00:26:30,755 --> 00:26:32,674           and then I quit.           522 00:26:32,716 --> 00:26:34,342            So do you know                      what that means?           523 00:26:34,384 --> 00:26:36,678      That means I could destroy           anyone in here physically.      524 00:26:36,720 --> 00:26:38,972         I could crush you...         525 00:26:39,014 --> 00:26:41,516    as long as you're 13 or under.    526 00:26:41,558 --> 00:26:43,226              [laughter]              527 00:26:43,268 --> 00:26:45,312      I've only fought children.      528 00:26:47,397 --> 00:26:50,609      Sometimes I get nostalgic.           I'll be in a Dairy Queen.       529 00:26:50,650 --> 00:26:52,360          I see a little kid                   in his karate gi.           530 00:26:52,402 --> 00:26:54,487              I'm like,                   "God, I wanna kick his ass!      531 00:26:54,529 --> 00:26:56,823              [laughter]              532 00:26:56,865 --> 00:27:00,201          Put me in, coach!"          533 00:27:00,243 --> 00:27:02,120          I stare him down.            I'm like, "I'll hit you so hard    534 00:27:02,162 --> 00:27:03,747      your shoes will light up."      535 00:27:08,501 --> 00:27:10,545         But women always say                 they want a bad boy,         536 00:27:10,587 --> 00:27:13,673        but my whole thing is,                  "No, you don't."           537 00:27:13,715 --> 00:27:17,302              You don't.              538 00:27:17,344 --> 00:27:19,012     Which would you rather have?              A guy that's like,          539 00:27:19,054 --> 00:27:21,222       "Oh, my God, your rack             looks great in that dress."      540 00:27:21,264 --> 00:27:22,515     Or would you rather have me                 that's like,              541 00:27:22,557 --> 00:27:25,352             "Oh, my God,                   that dress has pockets!"       542 00:27:25,393 --> 00:27:28,355           [women cheering]           543 00:27:30,982 --> 00:27:33,902             Women love                      dresses with pockets.         544 00:27:33,943 --> 00:27:35,820           [women agreeing]           545 00:27:35,862 --> 00:27:37,781    If you're in love with a woman        and you wanna blow her mind,     546 00:27:37,822 --> 00:27:39,658     go steal her favorite dress              out of her closet,           547 00:27:39,699 --> 00:27:42,035        take it to a tailor,               have him install pockets.       548 00:27:44,204 --> 00:27:46,081  Take her out on her dream date.    549 00:27:46,122 --> 00:27:47,499      In the middle of the date              be like, "Hey, babe,          550 00:27:47,540 --> 00:27:49,751     could you hold my ChapStick               in your pocket?"            551 00:27:49,793 --> 00:27:51,419           She'll be like,                 "What? I don't have any--       552 00:27:51,461 --> 00:27:54,547         [gasps, exclaiming]              Oh, my God, there's pockets!     553 00:27:54,589 --> 00:27:56,383              Pockets!"               554 00:28:01,221 --> 00:28:03,348     I would've put my ChapStick                in this pocket,            555 00:28:03,390 --> 00:28:05,684     but my pants are too tight.      556 00:28:05,725 --> 00:28:08,687              [laughter]              557 00:28:15,902 --> 00:28:18,571     These are not sittin' jeans.     558 00:28:21,157 --> 00:28:25,078              [chuckles]              559 00:28:25,120 --> 00:28:27,789     I tried to sit down earlier.          It was like a trust fall.       560 00:28:27,831 --> 00:28:30,166             I was like,                          "Oh, boy."               561 00:28:30,208 --> 00:28:33,128              [laughter]              562 00:28:35,130 --> 00:28:38,216            I love women.                    I used to live in one.        563 00:28:41,636 --> 00:28:43,722           I'm not bitter                     that I got evicted.          564 00:28:43,763 --> 00:28:46,266                Uh...                 565 00:28:46,307 --> 00:28:48,184          Well, it's funny                'cause I grew up with a mom      566 00:28:48,226 --> 00:28:50,770       who was really embedded             in the Feminist Movement.       567 00:28:50,812 --> 00:28:52,480          And that's great,                       but, like,               568 00:28:52,522 --> 00:28:54,649    it was a little bit confusing            as a ten-year-old boy         569 00:28:54,691 --> 00:28:56,443       'cause I'd be at these,             like, marches and picnics       570 00:28:56,484 --> 00:28:58,236    and these women would be like,               "Men are bad!"            571 00:28:58,278 --> 00:29:01,531          And I'd be like,                    "I am becoming one.          572 00:29:01,573 --> 00:29:03,783                Crap!                              [chuckles]              573 00:29:03,825 --> 00:29:06,119                Well,                      I guess I'll half-ass it."      574 00:29:08,913 --> 00:29:11,332        And here you have it.         575 00:29:11,374 --> 00:29:14,335              [laughter]              576 00:29:14,377 --> 00:29:18,047        [cheers and applause]         577 00:29:18,089 --> 00:29:20,133           I'm what happens                when you tell a little boy      578 00:29:20,175 --> 00:29:22,093        never to become a man                and then you give him         579 00:29:22,135 --> 00:29:25,263      zero further instructions.      580 00:29:27,766 --> 00:29:30,727     But one thing I can't stand              is when people say           581 00:29:30,769 --> 00:29:32,896         that women are weak.                 Women are not weak.          582 00:29:32,937 --> 00:29:35,356     You could birth the people.                     Yeah.                 583 00:29:35,398 --> 00:29:37,108          You are so strong.          584 00:29:37,150 --> 00:29:39,444       You would never pretend               like any other animal         585 00:29:39,486 --> 00:29:42,280     was weak just because it was          the female of that animal.      586 00:29:42,322 --> 00:29:44,115       You'd never be standing                on the beach going,          587 00:29:44,157 --> 00:29:46,409     "Oh, my God, I can't believe          that Larry just got eaten       588 00:29:46,451 --> 00:29:48,244           by a girl shark.           589 00:29:51,331 --> 00:29:53,208        Girl sharks be crazy.         590 00:29:55,293 --> 00:29:57,670                Yeah,                      they're emotional eaters."      591 00:30:00,924 --> 00:30:05,178          She's like, "Ugh,               why did I eat all of Larry?      592 00:30:05,220 --> 00:30:09,307       Bridget, why didn't you               split Larry with me?          593 00:30:09,349 --> 00:30:11,643     Now I feel like a sea cow."      594 00:30:11,684 --> 00:30:15,480              [laughter]              595 00:30:15,522 --> 00:30:17,857         I just love the idea               of a shark named Bridget       596 00:30:17,899 --> 00:30:19,776      swimming around the ocean       597 00:30:19,818 --> 00:30:21,152           with an overbite                       being like,              598 00:30:21,194 --> 00:30:24,614        "Oh, you did it again,                      Bridget.               599 00:30:24,656 --> 00:30:28,493        Oh, classic Bridget."         600 00:30:38,127 --> 00:30:41,172        I think that women are         the source of love in the world.  601 00:30:41,214 --> 00:30:44,342            -[women cheer]                       -Yeah, I do.              602 00:30:44,384 --> 00:30:47,262                Yeah.                    I think women are like trees.     603 00:30:47,303 --> 00:30:49,222       You know how trees take                  all the bad air            604 00:30:49,264 --> 00:30:52,183        out of the environment           and then they do science stuff    605 00:30:52,225 --> 00:30:54,519       and then they're like--                   I don't know.             606 00:30:54,561 --> 00:30:56,980        I don't understand it.        607 00:30:57,021 --> 00:30:59,232      They take all the bad air             out of the environment.        608 00:30:59,274 --> 00:31:00,733        They do science stuff                and then they're like,        609 00:31:00,775 --> 00:31:04,445        "I give you good air."        610 00:31:04,487 --> 00:31:07,323       I think the whole world                 just shovels crap           611 00:31:07,365 --> 00:31:09,367          and pain at women                   and women just em--          612 00:31:09,409 --> 00:31:11,911             they just--                    they do science stuff...       613 00:31:11,953 --> 00:31:15,331        and then they're like,                 "I give you love."          614 00:31:15,373 --> 00:31:18,334        -[cheers and applause]               -Yeah.                        615 00:31:23,089 --> 00:31:24,924        But that being said...        616 00:31:24,966 --> 00:31:27,927              [laughter]              617 00:31:29,262 --> 00:31:31,389              [chuckles]              618 00:31:31,431 --> 00:31:33,725     I think there's only so much                crap and pain             619 00:31:33,766 --> 00:31:36,311      that you can have shoveled             at you in a lifetime.         620 00:31:36,352 --> 00:31:38,813        That's why if a woman                ever just sees a man          621 00:31:38,855 --> 00:31:40,690        sitting in tranquility                    she's like,              622 00:31:40,732 --> 00:31:44,652         "I can change that.          623 00:31:44,694 --> 00:31:48,656                Wait,                    he's just sitting there happy?    624 00:31:48,698 --> 00:31:52,327          Not on my watch."           625 00:31:52,368 --> 00:31:54,245             [man whoos]              626 00:31:54,287 --> 00:31:57,290        [cheers and applause]         627 00:31:59,584 --> 00:32:01,711             Hello, sir,                 I see your love and I give you    628 00:32:01,753 --> 00:32:04,964            crap and pain.            629 00:32:05,006 --> 00:32:07,091                Yeah.                 630 00:32:07,133 --> 00:32:09,260            I think women                    are smarter than men.         631 00:32:09,302 --> 00:32:11,262        And I'm not pandering.                I really think that.         632 00:32:11,304 --> 00:32:12,639            -I think you--                       -[woman whoos]            633 00:32:12,680 --> 00:32:15,016      Yeah, I think your brains                  are amazing.              634 00:32:15,058 --> 00:32:16,893         And I have friends            that they're in denial of that.    635 00:32:16,935 --> 00:32:18,519            They're like,                "No, I'm smarter than my wife.    636 00:32:18,561 --> 00:32:20,521     I win arguments against her                all the time."             637 00:32:20,563 --> 00:32:24,275              I'm like,                "You half live in your garage."    638 00:32:27,445 --> 00:32:29,405        Men, we need to level                   with ourselves.            639 00:32:29,447 --> 00:32:31,824     Our brains are not superior.                Like, we do--             640 00:32:31,866 --> 00:32:33,368      We cannot win an argument                  with a woman.             641 00:32:33,409 --> 00:32:35,453          Our brains cannot                remember every single word      642 00:32:35,495 --> 00:32:39,749       that they've ever said              in chronological order...       643 00:32:39,791 --> 00:32:43,127         with instant recall.         644 00:32:43,169 --> 00:32:45,338        The other day I had a          disagreement with my girlfriend.  645 00:32:45,380 --> 00:32:46,965          I go, "Oh, yeah?                   When did I say that?"         646 00:32:47,006 --> 00:32:50,969            She was like,                       "October 3rd...            647 00:32:51,010 --> 00:32:53,930              7:27 p.m."              648 00:32:55,848 --> 00:32:57,642    I was waiting for her to slide              a piece of paper           649 00:32:57,684 --> 00:32:59,602    across the table and be like,           "That's your statement.        650 00:32:59,644 --> 00:33:01,145        Do you want to read it                    back to me?              651 00:33:03,606 --> 00:33:05,733            It's notarized                      and everything."           652 00:33:08,945 --> 00:33:12,115            I've decided                  that I am never gonna argue      653 00:33:12,156 --> 00:33:14,158      with my girlfriend again.              I'm not gonna do it.          654 00:33:14,200 --> 00:33:15,326                Yeah.                 655 00:33:15,368 --> 00:33:18,621      Here's what I'm gonna do.       656 00:33:18,663 --> 00:33:21,499        I'm gonna hire a woman                  to argue for me.           657 00:33:21,541 --> 00:33:24,502              [laughter]              658 00:33:26,462 --> 00:33:28,881    The next time my girlfriend's          like, "We need to talk."        659 00:33:28,923 --> 00:33:33,177      I'm gonna be like, "Lisa,            you need to get over here.      660 00:33:33,219 --> 00:33:36,097      Oh, no, what's that, Lisa?          You haven't eaten yet today?     661 00:33:36,139 --> 00:33:37,724               Perfect.               662 00:33:37,765 --> 00:33:40,727              [laughter]              663 00:33:43,688 --> 00:33:45,648             Check mate."             664 00:33:52,947 --> 00:33:57,118    I hate getting into arguments             with my girlfriend           665 00:33:57,160 --> 00:33:59,120          'cause I love her                  and it feels terrible         666 00:33:59,162 --> 00:34:01,664      to be at odds with someone             that I love that much.        667 00:34:01,706 --> 00:34:03,458       But I'll tell you this,        668 00:34:03,499 --> 00:34:06,252     if I overhear another couple     669 00:34:06,294 --> 00:34:08,755         having a knock-down,                  drag-out argument,          670 00:34:08,796 --> 00:34:10,715    I will hover until it's done.     671 00:34:16,304 --> 00:34:18,056        I got into an airplane                   the other day             672 00:34:18,097 --> 00:34:20,183              and, uh,                 I got the first class upgrade--    673 00:34:20,224 --> 00:34:22,518               brag...                674 00:34:22,560 --> 00:34:24,437            and this lady                     sitting next to me,          675 00:34:24,479 --> 00:34:26,022        she had her cell phone                  and then she had           676 00:34:26,064 --> 00:34:28,191         her airline ticket.                 And, so, I looked over        677 00:34:28,232 --> 00:34:29,609       and I peeked at her name                 and I was like--           678 00:34:29,650 --> 00:34:31,694        in my head I was like,                  "Hello, Linda."            679 00:34:31,736 --> 00:34:34,697              [laughter]              680 00:34:35,990 --> 00:34:37,825          Two seconds later                    her phone rings.            681 00:34:37,867 --> 00:34:40,787    She picks it up and she goes,           [sternly] "What, Bob?"         682 00:34:42,830 --> 00:34:44,874  I looked her right in the eyes,          I clicked my seatbelt,         683 00:34:44,916 --> 00:34:46,876       I was like, click clink.                     "I'm in.               684 00:34:46,918 --> 00:34:49,587              [laughter]              685 00:34:49,629 --> 00:34:52,131    Couldn't leave if I wanted to,                  Linda."                686 00:34:54,801 --> 00:34:56,594            Linda and Bob                  got into the biggest fight      687 00:34:56,636 --> 00:34:58,221  that I've ever heard in my life.  688 00:34:58,262 --> 00:34:59,514        Do you guys wanna know            what they had a fight about?     689 00:34:59,555 --> 00:35:00,932           [audience] Yeah!           690 00:35:00,973 --> 00:35:03,559        -[cheers and applause]               -Okay.                        691 00:35:03,601 --> 00:35:05,645               They got                      into the biggest fight        692 00:35:05,686 --> 00:35:07,939        because Bob was being                    the same Bob              693 00:35:07,980 --> 00:35:09,690      that Bob has always been.       694 00:35:09,732 --> 00:35:12,652              [laughter]              695 00:35:14,904 --> 00:35:16,697             [man cheers]             696 00:35:16,739 --> 00:35:20,243      She made an itemized list              of every single thing         697 00:35:20,284 --> 00:35:22,245     that he has ever done wrong.     698 00:35:22,286 --> 00:35:26,040           Even I was like,                      "Dang it, Bob!            699 00:35:26,082 --> 00:35:28,501         Can't you be Robert                     for a second?             700 00:35:28,543 --> 00:35:30,086              [laughter]              701 00:35:30,128 --> 00:35:32,672     Why you always gotta be Bob,                    Bob?"                 702 00:35:35,341 --> 00:35:36,884     Before she hung up the phone                  she goes,               703 00:35:36,926 --> 00:35:38,845      "See you at baggage claim,                     Bob."                 704 00:35:40,179 --> 00:35:42,515                Yeah,                  guess who went to baggage claim?  705 00:35:45,601 --> 00:35:48,396       I went to baggage claim              even though I only had         706 00:35:48,437 --> 00:35:51,607          carry-on luggage.           707 00:35:51,649 --> 00:35:54,193             I was just                     standing there lurking.        708 00:35:57,196 --> 00:35:58,990         This is how I lurk.          709 00:36:00,408 --> 00:36:03,411         I lurk the same way                     Ellen dances.             710 00:36:04,954 --> 00:36:06,455                Yeah.                 711 00:36:10,251 --> 00:36:11,878             Same jacket.             712 00:36:15,923 --> 00:36:17,633            And I see Bob.            713 00:36:17,675 --> 00:36:21,596     And Bob was exactly the man       that I thought he was gonna be.    714 00:36:21,637 --> 00:36:24,557           He was between,                 like, 60 and 65 years old,      715 00:36:24,599 --> 00:36:26,893     silver push-broom mustache.      716 00:36:26,934 --> 00:36:29,103  Like I could've broken a glass.               He'd be like,             717 00:36:29,145 --> 00:36:30,855            "I'll get it."            718 00:36:39,947 --> 00:36:41,782    He just had the sweetest look                on his face.              719 00:36:41,824 --> 00:36:44,202      Like, "I love two things,              taking Linda's crap,          720 00:36:44,243 --> 00:36:45,870             being Bob."              721 00:36:45,912 --> 00:36:48,873              [laughter]              722 00:36:51,709 --> 00:36:53,336    Linda was all terse with him.     723 00:36:53,377 --> 00:36:55,796         She goes, [sternly]                  "Get my bags, Bob."          724 00:36:55,838 --> 00:36:58,174              He's like,                    "I'm getting your bags."       725 00:37:00,593 --> 00:37:02,428       And then before he could                get the handle up,          726 00:37:02,470 --> 00:37:04,597     she started doing that thing        where women walk ahead of you.    727 00:37:04,639 --> 00:37:06,140         You know that thing                     that they do?             728 00:37:06,182 --> 00:37:08,351         Where they're like,                 "Hm, try to catch up."        729 00:37:10,311 --> 00:37:13,439  He's like, "I've been following         you for 30 years, Linda."       730 00:37:16,317 --> 00:37:18,361    I'm right behind him lurking.     731 00:37:21,989 --> 00:37:24,659       But then Linda goes out             the front automatic doors.      732 00:37:24,700 --> 00:37:27,036       Like, [swooshes], right?                   Lind's gone.             733 00:37:27,078 --> 00:37:28,829       Then Bob starts to walk                  out the doors.             734 00:37:28,871 --> 00:37:32,250         Stops in the middle                    of the doorway.            735 00:37:32,291 --> 00:37:35,503                Yeah,                         it's bag, Bob, bag.          736 00:37:35,544 --> 00:37:38,172        I almost run into him.                    I go, "Bob!"             737 00:37:41,509 --> 00:37:44,971     Keep in mind he has no idea             how I know his name.          738 00:37:46,639 --> 00:37:50,601     Or that I have been obsessed           with him for half a day.       739 00:37:50,643 --> 00:37:52,478           He turned to me.                   He goes, "Excuse me,         740 00:37:52,520 --> 00:37:54,313     but you have a--do you have             a problem here, sir?"         741 00:37:54,355 --> 00:37:57,191         And I go, "Oh, yeah,                  I have a problem.           742 00:37:57,233 --> 00:37:59,986      You're being the same Bob            that you've always been."       743 00:38:00,027 --> 00:38:02,989              [laughter]              744 00:38:03,030 --> 00:38:05,992        [cheers and applause]         745 00:38:10,788 --> 00:38:14,417      And then Bob and I talked            for another ten minutes...      746 00:38:14,458 --> 00:38:18,254            and we became                     Facebook friends...          747 00:38:18,296 --> 00:38:20,464       and now any time I have            a problem with my girlfriend     748 00:38:20,506 --> 00:38:22,842              I'm like,                       "Bob, what do I do?"         749 00:38:22,883 --> 00:38:25,011      And he says the same thing                  every time.              750 00:38:25,052 --> 00:38:27,847          He just types out,                         "Shh."                751 00:38:27,888 --> 00:38:31,142              [laughter]              752 00:38:31,183 --> 00:38:33,352                Yeah.                 753 00:38:33,394 --> 00:38:36,272         'Cause that's always                the right thing to do.        754 00:38:36,314 --> 00:38:38,858      If a woman is mad at you,          you can't say the wrong thing     755 00:38:38,899 --> 00:38:40,609         if you say nothing.          756 00:38:43,654 --> 00:38:46,032  She'll be like, "Why aren't you             saying anything?"           757 00:38:50,536 --> 00:38:53,039    Well, there's this whole idea          going around the Internet       758 00:38:53,080 --> 00:38:56,250          that--it's just--                    it's very popular,          759 00:38:56,292 --> 00:38:58,210     but I don't think it's true.              Everybody's like,           760 00:38:58,252 --> 00:39:00,713       "All men are the worst."       761 00:39:00,755 --> 00:39:05,217            And I'm like,                     "No, you mean Dave."         762 00:39:05,259 --> 00:39:07,720    Right? Men, we're not sitting             in the locker room           763 00:39:07,762 --> 00:39:09,555        being all like, "Ugh,             I was with Katie last night.     764 00:39:09,597 --> 00:39:12,516               [gags]."               765 00:39:12,558 --> 00:39:14,226     That's not what we're doing.             We're sitting there.         766 00:39:14,268 --> 00:39:15,728       We're showing each other                our phones going,           767 00:39:15,770 --> 00:39:17,355        "What does she mean?"         768 00:39:20,649 --> 00:39:23,235  I just wanna do the right thing,           but I don't know.           769 00:39:25,863 --> 00:39:27,573           Women are like,                      "Men are dogs."            770 00:39:27,615 --> 00:39:29,700              I'm like,                    "Yeah, Golden Retrievers."      771 00:39:29,742 --> 00:39:31,202              [laughter]              772 00:39:31,243 --> 00:39:32,661               We are!                       That's why we're like,        773 00:39:32,703 --> 00:39:34,914           "She's smiling.                   I'll sit next to her.         774 00:39:37,416 --> 00:39:40,086           She's frowning.                  Going in the other room.       775 00:39:42,588 --> 00:39:44,215            Checking in.                        Still frowning.            776 00:39:44,256 --> 00:39:45,758              Staying."               777 00:39:48,427 --> 00:39:50,638          But that's insane                  to your brain, right?         778 00:39:50,679 --> 00:39:52,181     You walk in the other room,                 you're like,              779 00:39:52,223 --> 00:39:53,974      "Why are you just sitting             in the other room alone        780 00:39:54,016 --> 00:39:56,977           when we could be            finally spending time together?"  781 00:39:57,019 --> 00:39:59,355        And your man is like,                "I'm just being happy         782 00:39:59,397 --> 00:40:01,190          while you're not.           783 00:40:03,442 --> 00:40:06,445                I know                   that's the wrong thing to do."    784 00:40:08,406 --> 00:40:09,615             [man] Yeah.              785 00:40:13,494 --> 00:40:17,415    There's this age-old question     786 00:40:17,456 --> 00:40:20,960      that men say to each other              'cause we love you.          787 00:40:21,001 --> 00:40:23,129           We literally go,                   "What do women want?         788 00:40:23,170 --> 00:40:24,922     'Cause I just wanna do it."      789 00:40:27,258 --> 00:40:29,009          And I'll tell you.                 I'm, like, the biggest        790 00:40:29,051 --> 00:40:32,430    people pleaser on the planet,         so I have cracked the code.      791 00:40:32,471 --> 00:40:35,766         So, men, listen up.          792 00:40:35,808 --> 00:40:37,852       Here's what women want.        793 00:40:37,893 --> 00:40:41,814     Women want you to do things              for them   or   with them         794 00:40:41,856 --> 00:40:44,817         that you do not want                    to do at all.             795 00:40:44,859 --> 00:40:47,862              [laughter]              796 00:40:47,903 --> 00:40:50,990    But they want you to act like                you love it.              797 00:40:52,825 --> 00:40:55,202      It works 100% of the time.      798 00:40:55,244 --> 00:40:58,289        -Yeah.                               -[cheers and applause]        799 00:41:02,585 --> 00:41:04,462          So, the next time                 the woman that you love        800 00:41:04,503 --> 00:41:06,672     is like, "Babe, will you go            to my all-girl's brunch        801 00:41:06,714 --> 00:41:10,342    that's gonna last three hours              and 48 minutes?"            802 00:41:10,384 --> 00:41:12,178            Just look her                right in the eyes and be like,    803 00:41:12,219 --> 00:41:15,639          "N...I'd love to.           804 00:41:15,681 --> 00:41:19,143    My favorite thing is thinking         things and not saying 'em."      805 00:41:22,271 --> 00:41:24,607    When her friend Tricia's like,          "How am I still single?"       806 00:41:24,648 --> 00:41:26,984           Be like, "N...                    I don't know, Tricia.         807 00:41:31,155 --> 00:41:34,283       That's one of the great            mysteries of the universe."      808 00:41:34,325 --> 00:41:37,286              [laughter]              809 00:41:42,541 --> 00:41:45,252         My girlfriend loves              going to the grocery store.      810 00:41:45,294 --> 00:41:46,795            I hate going                     to the grocery store.         811 00:41:46,837 --> 00:41:48,005           -[woman cheers]                      -You love it.              812 00:41:48,047 --> 00:41:50,758                Yeah.                 813 00:41:50,799 --> 00:41:53,302         My girlfriend loves              going to the grocery store.      814 00:41:53,344 --> 00:41:55,554         We'll go to, like,              five different grocery stores     815 00:41:55,596 --> 00:41:56,889          because she likes                    different things            816 00:41:56,931 --> 00:41:58,307     at different grocery stores.     817 00:41:58,349 --> 00:42:00,643           -[woman cheers]                      -She loves it.             818 00:42:00,684 --> 00:42:03,229                Yeah,                       I don't like doing that.       819 00:42:03,270 --> 00:42:04,813        I don't like touching                  the sticky cart.            820 00:42:04,855 --> 00:42:07,900       I don't like loading it                    in the car.              821 00:42:07,942 --> 00:42:10,194       I don't like putting it                   in my fridge.             822 00:42:10,236 --> 00:42:12,571  And then a week-and-a-half later              I don't like             823 00:42:12,613 --> 00:42:14,865     throwing it all away 'cause          I haven't eaten any of it.       824 00:42:16,367 --> 00:42:20,079              I hate it.               I'd rather order food every day.  825 00:42:22,289 --> 00:42:24,917    So, the other morning I wanted        to be sweet to my girlfriend     826 00:42:24,959 --> 00:42:26,919        so I woke up and I go,                 "Babe, do you know          827 00:42:26,961 --> 00:42:28,587       what I wanna do today?"              And she's like, "What?"        828 00:42:28,629 --> 00:42:32,091     And I go, "I wanna take you            to the grocery store...        829 00:42:34,134 --> 00:42:36,595        and I want to take you                 to five of them."           830 00:42:39,014 --> 00:42:41,600            And when I say                    that she got excited         831 00:42:41,642 --> 00:42:43,394          about what I said,                     I'm talking--             832 00:42:43,435 --> 00:42:46,105  Have you ever seen one of those          videos on social media         833 00:42:46,146 --> 00:42:49,233         of a soldier's dog              seeing that soldier come home     834 00:42:49,275 --> 00:42:52,945              from war?                   That's how excited she got.      835 00:42:52,987 --> 00:42:55,030    She was like, "Ah, we're going           to the grocery store!         836 00:42:55,072 --> 00:42:57,283             Oh, my God!                  We're going to five of 'em!      837 00:42:57,324 --> 00:42:59,785                Ahh!                     I'm peeing and I don't care!"     838 00:43:01,412 --> 00:43:03,247         She was so excited.              We get to the grocery store.     839 00:43:03,289 --> 00:43:04,665        She's showing me stuff               I already know about.         840 00:43:04,707 --> 00:43:07,251             She's like,                      "Baby carrots. Aah!          841 00:43:09,295 --> 00:43:12,840             Broccolini.                      [high-pitch squeak]          842 00:43:12,881 --> 00:43:15,884            We got home.               We had the best sex of my life.    843 00:43:16,802 --> 00:43:18,512                Yeah.                 844 00:43:18,554 --> 00:43:21,473        [cheers and applause]         845 00:43:23,350 --> 00:43:26,103          I said "my life"               'cause I can't speak for her.     846 00:43:27,896 --> 00:43:30,316           I'm pretty sure                     she's had better.           847 00:43:32,443 --> 00:43:34,403      I'm just being realistic.       848 00:43:37,114 --> 00:43:39,533        So, I call my brother                 who's been married           849 00:43:39,575 --> 00:43:40,868           for a long time.           850 00:43:40,909 --> 00:43:42,578              And he has                    a very healthy marriage,       851 00:43:42,620 --> 00:43:44,330           but I was like,                "Dude, do you wanna have sex     852 00:43:44,371 --> 00:43:46,165      with your wife tonight?"             And he's like, "Oh, yeah.       853 00:43:46,206 --> 00:43:48,751       That's my favorite thing                  in the world."            854 00:43:48,792 --> 00:43:52,338         I go, "Then take her                to the grocery store."        855 00:43:54,882 --> 00:43:58,010  He goes, "Oh, young grasshopper,      you have so much to learn."      856 00:43:59,762 --> 00:44:02,431    He goes, "She does not love it             when you take her           857 00:44:02,473 --> 00:44:04,975        to the grocery store.         858 00:44:05,017 --> 00:44:07,561          She's training you               to go to the grocery store      859 00:44:07,603 --> 00:44:10,648            without her."             860 00:44:10,689 --> 00:44:13,651        [cheers and applause]         861 00:44:17,071 --> 00:44:19,573    That's why she was showing you               things to get.            862 00:44:19,615 --> 00:44:23,160            She was like,                        "Baby carrots.            863 00:44:23,202 --> 00:44:25,162             Broccolinis.             864 00:44:27,373 --> 00:44:29,500           You're gonna be                     my servant soon."           865 00:44:33,087 --> 00:44:35,214      Have you guys ever smoked                 the marijuana?             866 00:44:35,255 --> 00:44:38,133        [cheers and applause]         867 00:44:38,175 --> 00:44:40,052                Yeah.                 868 00:44:40,094 --> 00:44:41,470     Look at me when I say that.      869 00:44:41,512 --> 00:44:43,055       I look like that teacher                   that's like,             870 00:44:43,097 --> 00:44:44,848    "I'm not just your teacher...     871 00:44:47,017 --> 00:44:49,645          I'm your friend."           872 00:44:52,022 --> 00:44:54,692     I never, uh--I never really          smoked marijuana growing up      873 00:44:54,733 --> 00:44:57,945          'cause my grandma                    owned a bong shop.          874 00:44:57,986 --> 00:45:00,239       I know, classic grandma.                      Uh...                 875 00:45:00,280 --> 00:45:02,408              [laughter]              876 00:45:02,449 --> 00:45:06,620     My grandma owned a bong shop          in Oklahoma City, Oklahoma      877 00:45:06,662 --> 00:45:08,664           and my grandpa                      was a war veteran           878 00:45:08,706 --> 00:45:12,501     and, so, he was like, "This       bitch is gonna get us arrested."  879 00:45:14,420 --> 00:45:18,298          So with every bong              he taped a baggie of tobacco     880 00:45:18,340 --> 00:45:20,801  and then put a label maker label               that said               881 00:45:20,843 --> 00:45:24,012       "The Tobacco Water Bong"          so when the Federal Government    882 00:45:24,054 --> 00:45:25,764           came and raided                     my grandma's shop           883 00:45:25,806 --> 00:45:28,350     and they took her to court          and then the court above that     884 00:45:28,392 --> 00:45:31,186  and regular court...all the way          to the Supreme Court--         885 00:45:31,228 --> 00:45:32,813        You can--This is true.        886 00:45:32,855 --> 00:45:34,732      You can read a   High Times                 article about it.           887 00:45:34,773 --> 00:45:37,192              [laughter]              888 00:45:37,234 --> 00:45:39,987    My grandma won and my grandma            is one of the reasons         889 00:45:40,028 --> 00:45:41,488         why bongs are legal.         890 00:45:41,530 --> 00:45:44,450        -[cheers and applause]               -Yeah. So...yeah.             891 00:45:48,245 --> 00:45:51,206        So, my grandma is like                the Abraham Lincoln          892 00:45:51,248 --> 00:45:52,708            of bong rips.             893 00:45:52,750 --> 00:45:54,626              [laughter]              894 00:45:54,668 --> 00:45:56,503            But that's why                  when I was a little kid,       895 00:45:56,545 --> 00:45:58,714  like, my friend's would be like,   "Dude, you wanna rip this bong?"  896 00:45:58,756 --> 00:46:01,133     I'd be like, "I don't wanna             smell like grandma."          897 00:46:03,260 --> 00:46:07,431        I thought smoking weed                was old lady stuff.          898 00:46:07,473 --> 00:46:10,476     I'm like, "Yeah, let's wear           a diaper when we drive."        899 00:46:14,730 --> 00:46:16,482            But, so, I'm,                   like, such a lightweight       900 00:46:16,523 --> 00:46:18,484     when it comes to marijuanas.     901 00:46:18,525 --> 00:46:20,861              [laughter]              902 00:46:20,903 --> 00:46:24,490      I even call it marijuanas.      903 00:46:24,531 --> 00:46:27,785        I moved to California            and I get anxiety when I fly,     904 00:46:27,826 --> 00:46:30,120          so my friend, Ari,                   he was like, "Hey,          905 00:46:30,162 --> 00:46:33,040     eat this gummy bear and then      you're gonna go on the airplane.  906 00:46:33,081 --> 00:46:35,584      You're gonna take a nap.         You're not gonna feel anxiety."    907 00:46:37,252 --> 00:46:39,421           So I got through                     airport security           908 00:46:39,463 --> 00:46:42,049       and I ate the gummy bear              and then I texted him.        909 00:46:42,090 --> 00:46:44,218       I go, "Dude, I just ate                  the gummy bear.            910 00:46:44,259 --> 00:46:46,261         I can't wait to get,                         High   .               911 00:46:46,303 --> 00:46:48,514              [laughter]              912 00:46:48,555 --> 00:46:52,100    He texted me back immediately.         "You ate the whole thing?"      913 00:46:52,142 --> 00:46:55,312          [audience groans]           914 00:46:55,354 --> 00:46:57,064             I was like,                  "Yeah, I ate the whole thing     915 00:46:57,105 --> 00:47:00,192     'cause that was the quantity              that you gave me."          916 00:47:00,234 --> 00:47:03,529       What kind of psychopath            only eats half a gummy bear?     917 00:47:05,906 --> 00:47:08,075     Have you ever had a friend           be like, "Bro, you wanna go      918 00:47:08,116 --> 00:47:11,537     halvsies on this gummy bear                   with me?                919 00:47:11,578 --> 00:47:13,956     Let's   Lady and the Tramp   it            and meet in the middle.        920 00:47:13,997 --> 00:47:15,165               Just...                921 00:47:18,585 --> 00:47:20,128               I wrote,                        "Why was that bad?          922 00:47:20,170 --> 00:47:22,172         Why is it bad that              I ate the entire gummy bear?"     923 00:47:22,214 --> 00:47:24,466            And he goes,                    "That's a 50mg edible."        924 00:47:24,508 --> 00:47:25,968        [audience gasps, oohs]        925 00:47:26,009 --> 00:47:27,427             Yeah, well,                   I wish that you were there      926 00:47:27,469 --> 00:47:29,221       to help me at the time.        927 00:47:31,181 --> 00:47:32,975      I had no reference point.       928 00:47:33,016 --> 00:47:36,562        I was like, "My Advil               Liqui-Gels are 200 mg...       929 00:47:38,438 --> 00:47:41,316         and sometimes I eat               three of those bad boys."       930 00:47:43,360 --> 00:47:46,238               I wrote,                    "How high am I gonna get?"      931 00:47:46,280 --> 00:47:48,782         He wrote--all caps,                      "THE MOST."              932 00:47:48,824 --> 00:47:51,743              [laughter]              933 00:47:55,289 --> 00:47:59,501  I wrote, "When? When am I gonna           feel high the most?"          934 00:47:59,543 --> 00:48:02,254              He wrote,                         "About an hour."           935 00:48:02,296 --> 00:48:04,715        Seven minutes later...        936 00:48:04,756 --> 00:48:07,426              [laughter]              937 00:48:07,467 --> 00:48:10,429             I was like,                           "Ahhh...                938 00:48:10,470 --> 00:48:12,848                ha...                 939 00:48:12,890 --> 00:48:16,768      I can feel the atmospheric             pressure on my skin."         940 00:48:19,563 --> 00:48:21,481            I was so high.                        I'm still--              941 00:48:21,523 --> 00:48:22,858              I haven't                    even gotten on the plane.       942 00:48:22,900 --> 00:48:25,944           I'm at the gate.           943 00:48:25,986 --> 00:48:27,863         I'm right in front                  of the ticket counter         944 00:48:27,905 --> 00:48:29,656  and there's that flat-screen TV                that says,               945 00:48:29,698 --> 00:48:31,617       "Your flight is boarding                in five minutes."           946 00:48:31,658 --> 00:48:33,619       I'm just standing there              going, "Come on, four.         947 00:48:33,660 --> 00:48:35,746           Come on, four!"            948 00:48:38,624 --> 00:48:40,584    And you know that judgy ticket                deeper lady?             949 00:48:40,626 --> 00:48:42,336  I don't know what her title is,           but you know the one          950 00:48:42,377 --> 00:48:44,046    that, like, deeps your ticket         when you get on the plane?       951 00:48:44,087 --> 00:48:47,299  She's like, [deep] and then she           gives you a bad look?         952 00:48:48,800 --> 00:48:50,802             Like, [deep]                 "I agree with your parents."     953 00:48:53,013 --> 00:48:56,683            [deep] "I know                 what you did last summer."      954 00:48:56,725 --> 00:48:58,644              She goes,                  "Sir, you can't stand there."     955 00:48:58,685 --> 00:49:00,354             I was like,                      "Where can I stand?"         956 00:49:00,395 --> 00:49:04,274      She's like, "Over there."               I was like, "Okay."          957 00:49:04,316 --> 00:49:06,485         Then she makes that               pre boarding announcement.      958 00:49:06,526 --> 00:49:09,446     She's like, "If there's any         families with small children,     959 00:49:09,488 --> 00:49:13,033        military, war heroes,                active duty military,         960 00:49:13,075 --> 00:49:17,663       elderly, line up now."              I just line up with them.       961 00:49:17,704 --> 00:49:19,581         She was like, "Sir,              you can't be in that line."      962 00:49:19,623 --> 00:49:21,833             I was like,                      "I am 97 years old!"         963 00:49:28,715 --> 00:49:30,342              I got up                     to the front of the line.       964 00:49:30,384 --> 00:49:31,760         She deeps my ticket              and she goes, "Don't worry,      965 00:49:31,802 --> 00:49:33,762        I'm super high, too."         966 00:49:35,389 --> 00:49:38,350        [cheers and applause]         967 00:49:43,689 --> 00:49:45,023        I get on the airplane.        968 00:49:45,065 --> 00:49:47,109           I'm sitting in                   the emergency exit row.        969 00:49:47,150 --> 00:49:50,028       Not qualified whatsoever       970 00:49:50,070 --> 00:49:53,365        to assist in the event                  of an emergency.           971 00:49:53,407 --> 00:49:55,033      They're doing that video.                  They're like,             972 00:49:55,075 --> 00:49:57,119           "In the event of            a water landing, use the slide."  973 00:49:57,160 --> 00:49:59,705             I was like,                       "There's a slide?!          974 00:50:01,289 --> 00:50:03,625    Let's do the slide right now!"    975 00:50:07,004 --> 00:50:09,631         Like, I was so high                  I was making noises          976 00:50:09,673 --> 00:50:12,300         'cause it felt cool.         977 00:50:12,342 --> 00:50:14,594         Most people are cool                 when they get high.          978 00:50:14,636 --> 00:50:18,015         They're like, "Aw."              I was like, "Ca ca ca ca ca.     979 00:50:19,182 --> 00:50:21,560         Ca ca ca ca ca ca."          980 00:50:24,980 --> 00:50:26,857  That aggressive flight attendant           comes over to me.           981 00:50:26,898 --> 00:50:29,943      She goes, "I need to know            if you're willing and able      982 00:50:29,985 --> 00:50:33,780        to assist in the event                 of an emergency."           983 00:50:33,822 --> 00:50:37,159         I wanted to say yes.                 I go, "Ca ca ca ca."         984 00:50:37,200 --> 00:50:40,162              [laughter]              985 00:50:41,955 --> 00:50:45,792      She goes, "I need a verbal                 yes or a no."             986 00:50:45,834 --> 00:50:48,378         Every fiber I tried.                  Here's what I did.          987 00:50:48,420 --> 00:50:50,422             I go, "Haa!"             988 00:50:53,508 --> 00:50:55,218             She's like,                     "You nodded your head.        989 00:50:55,260 --> 00:50:59,014            I'll take it."            990 00:50:59,056 --> 00:51:01,641          I turn and I look                   and I'm sitting next         991 00:51:01,683 --> 00:51:05,020    to the oldest woman I've seen                 in my life.              992 00:51:05,062 --> 00:51:07,606       Like, I'm not trying to           be crude, but when I was high,    993 00:51:07,647 --> 00:51:09,941      I turned--She was between                the age of, like,           994 00:51:09,983 --> 00:51:14,821             89 and 147.              995 00:51:14,863 --> 00:51:17,032           I looked at her               with my current state of mind     996 00:51:17,074 --> 00:51:20,160    and I was like, "Is she flying            to her own funeral?"         997 00:51:20,202 --> 00:51:23,538       [audience laughs, awws]        998 00:51:23,580 --> 00:51:27,417  Like, she must be on this plane       like, "Oh, my God I'm flying!     999 00:51:29,711 --> 00:51:32,631              In my life                     that was not a thing."        1000 00:51:34,508 --> 00:51:36,259      She was just sitting there              knitting a sweater.          1001 00:51:36,301 --> 00:51:37,969         Looking at me like,               "I've seen a lot of things      1002 00:51:38,011 --> 00:51:40,847            in my life...             1003 00:51:40,889 --> 00:51:43,308        but I have never seen                   one of those."             1004 00:51:44,935 --> 00:51:47,145       'Cause when I get high,               I get more Wisconsin.         1005 00:51:47,187 --> 00:51:50,273     I was cupping my face going,         "Don't look at that sweater.     1006 00:51:52,109 --> 00:51:53,652           Would you want                somebody looking at your sw--     1007 00:51:53,693 --> 00:51:57,030       work before you're done?                No, you wouldn't.           1008 00:51:57,072 --> 00:52:00,617        That is rude business,                      mister.                1009 00:52:00,659 --> 00:52:02,494            Ca ca ca ca."             1010 00:52:09,876 --> 00:52:12,087          Half an hour later             I realized she was just trying    1011 00:52:12,129 --> 00:52:14,381     to untangle her headphones.      1012 00:52:14,422 --> 00:52:17,342              [laughter]              1013 00:52:22,973 --> 00:52:25,267      So, don't do drugs, kids.       1014 00:52:25,308 --> 00:52:28,270              [laughter]              1015 00:52:28,311 --> 00:52:31,231        -[cheers and applause]               -Ah, thank you.               1016 00:52:37,445 --> 00:52:39,322       Oh, let's talk about sex                  before we go.             1017 00:52:39,364 --> 00:52:41,575      -Have you guys ever--Yeah.           -[woman cheers]                 1018 00:52:41,616 --> 00:52:44,161       Oh, yeah, she's done it.                    Oh, yeah.               1019 00:52:44,202 --> 00:52:46,830              [laughter]              1020 00:52:46,872 --> 00:52:49,583       I know it's weird for me           to talk about sex, you know?     1021 00:52:49,624 --> 00:52:51,835        But, oh, no, I smash.         1022 00:52:54,421 --> 00:52:57,549    I'm all about respecting women               and smashing.             1023 00:52:57,591 --> 00:53:00,510            [woman cheers]            1024 00:53:00,552 --> 00:53:02,137         Sometimes I'm in bed             with my girlfriend I'm like,     1025 00:53:02,179 --> 00:53:04,431       "Yeah, do you like that?               Kay, just checking."         1026 00:53:04,472 --> 00:53:08,393              [laughter]              1027 00:53:08,435 --> 00:53:10,020              I'm like,                   "I'm gonna get you pregnant      1028 00:53:10,061 --> 00:53:12,731         and then, you know,             just, like, be there for you."    1029 00:53:23,074 --> 00:53:24,701         When my girlfriend                and I first got together,       1030 00:53:24,743 --> 00:53:26,286            she was like,                     "What are you into?          1031 00:53:26,328 --> 00:53:29,873        Like, in the bedroom?"             And I was like, "Consent!"      1032 00:53:32,417 --> 00:53:34,461                 Oh.                  1033 00:53:34,502 --> 00:53:38,173    I have a huge consent fetish.     1034 00:53:38,215 --> 00:53:40,759        I love consent so much               I don't even use those        1035 00:53:40,800 --> 00:53:43,887      credit card chip readers           until it tells me that I can.     1036 00:53:46,431 --> 00:53:48,183         Have you ever tried             to put your card in too early?    1037 00:53:48,225 --> 00:53:49,809              It's like,                      "Quack quack quack."         1038 00:53:49,851 --> 00:53:51,603          I'm like, "Whoa,               I'm not a bad guy, all right?     1039 00:53:53,104 --> 00:53:56,900           I respect you."            1040 00:53:56,942 --> 00:53:58,652    But every single time I'm just        standing there all hesitant.     1041 00:53:58,693 --> 00:54:00,737         The cashier's like,                 "What are you doing?"         1042 00:54:00,779 --> 00:54:02,906    I'm like, "I'm waiting for you        to tell me I can put it in."     1043 00:54:07,118 --> 00:54:10,664  Every single time the cashier's        like, "Ugh, let me do it."       1044 00:54:10,705 --> 00:54:13,625              [laughter]              1045 00:54:17,587 --> 00:54:21,258              I'm like,                       "I could've done it.         1046 00:54:21,299 --> 00:54:23,301        I know where it goes."        1047 00:54:25,512 --> 00:54:27,597                I do.                 1048 00:54:30,809 --> 00:54:33,311      But if you think about it,           sex is, like, the weirdest      1049 00:54:33,353 --> 00:54:36,606  activity we do as human beings,                  right?                 1050 00:54:36,648 --> 00:54:38,275    'Cause it's the only activity                 we do where              1051 00:54:38,316 --> 00:54:40,527        we're making something               and at the same time,         1052 00:54:40,568 --> 00:54:42,696       we're trying super hard                   not to make.              1053 00:54:45,365 --> 00:54:47,951       That's insane behavior.           That's like mixing up a bunch     1054 00:54:47,993 --> 00:54:51,204     of flour and sugar and milk             and eggs up in a pan          1055 00:54:51,246 --> 00:54:53,665  and then putting it in the oven         and then 45 minutes later       1056 00:54:53,707 --> 00:54:56,293      being like, "Oh, thank God              there's not a cake.          1057 00:54:56,334 --> 00:54:58,586          [breathes heavily]          1058 00:54:58,628 --> 00:55:01,673        [cheers and applause]         1059 00:55:11,224 --> 00:55:12,600           I-I don't know                    what we would've done         1060 00:55:12,642 --> 00:55:15,520    if there was a cake in there.     1061 00:55:15,562 --> 00:55:17,731              That cake                  would've changed everything."     1062 00:55:19,399 --> 00:55:20,692    If there was a cake in there,               you'd be like,             1063 00:55:20,734 --> 00:55:22,319         "That's not my cake.         1064 00:55:22,360 --> 00:55:24,362              [laughter]              1065 00:55:24,404 --> 00:55:27,949  Cake doesn't even look like me.    1066 00:55:27,991 --> 00:55:30,368           That looks like                    it's Steve's cake."          1067 00:55:40,045 --> 00:55:43,006               I, uh,                         I go on tour a lot.          1068 00:55:43,048 --> 00:55:45,216        You know, 'cause I'm--                   I'm hilarious.            1069 00:55:47,385 --> 00:55:49,095           And I'm faithful                     to my girlfriend           1070 00:55:49,137 --> 00:55:50,889        when I go on the road.                   So she sent me            1071 00:55:50,930 --> 00:55:54,351       an adult Internet video                  the other day.             1072 00:55:54,392 --> 00:55:56,269            -[woman whoos]                       -Yeah, whoa.              1073 00:55:56,311 --> 00:55:58,563    Yeah, I don't know if you guys               have ever seen            1074 00:55:58,605 --> 00:56:02,359       an adult Internet video,       1075 00:56:02,400 --> 00:56:06,279      but if you have never seen            an adult Internet video,       1076 00:56:06,321 --> 00:56:08,782           let me tell you,                      wow, wow, wow.            1077 00:56:08,823 --> 00:56:10,867              [laughter]              1078 00:56:10,909 --> 00:56:13,870            Holy cow wow.             1079 00:56:13,912 --> 00:56:16,706     I watched this entire movie       all the way from start to finish  1080 00:56:16,748 --> 00:56:18,208        'cause I wanted to see                   if this couple            1081 00:56:18,249 --> 00:56:20,043           had the baby...            1082 00:56:20,085 --> 00:56:23,129              [laughter]              1083 00:56:23,171 --> 00:56:26,257        'cause they were just            trying and trying and trying.     1084 00:56:29,469 --> 00:56:31,930     All they wanted in the world                was a family.             1085 00:56:33,640 --> 00:56:35,225           They were doing                   everything they could.        1086 00:56:35,266 --> 00:56:36,518           They were trying                     out by the pool.           1087 00:56:36,559 --> 00:56:38,686          They were trying                    in the living room.          1088 00:56:38,728 --> 00:56:41,106    At one point they even brought             the neighbor over           1089 00:56:41,147 --> 00:56:42,941          just to help out.           1090 00:56:45,276 --> 00:56:46,653          And I'm not trying                   to ruin the ending          1091 00:56:46,694 --> 00:56:48,154  in case you guys are gonna watch               this film,              1092 00:56:48,196 --> 00:56:50,407           but, holy cow,                they are gonna have to adopt.     1093 00:56:50,448 --> 00:56:51,783              [chuckles]              1094 00:56:53,868 --> 00:56:56,454         'Cause this guy did                the most important part        1095 00:56:56,496 --> 00:56:59,791              way wrong.              1096 00:56:59,833 --> 00:57:01,084             I was like,                      "No! Not like that.          1097 00:57:01,126 --> 00:57:03,128     You're never gonna be a dad.     1098 00:57:06,172 --> 00:57:08,967          Babies don't come                     from foreheads.            1099 00:57:09,008 --> 00:57:11,970      [audience laughs, groans]       1100 00:57:13,138 --> 00:57:16,099        [cheers and applause]         1101 00:57:17,684 --> 00:57:20,270      And that's the neighbor's                   forehead."               1102 00:57:20,311 --> 00:57:21,771              [laughter]              1103 00:57:21,813 --> 00:57:23,356         All right, you guys,                    I'm Pete Lee.             1104 00:57:23,398 --> 00:57:24,816  Thanks for being a great crowd.           Thank you very much.          1105 00:57:24,858 --> 00:57:27,819        [cheers and applause]         1106 00:57:34,868 --> 00:57:37,829  [cheers and applause continues]    1107 00:57:46,754 --> 00:57:48,506            [man] Yippee!             1108 00:58:15,325 --> 00:58:18,286         [microphone droans]          1109 00:58:18,328 --> 00:58:21,289            [bright tone]