WEBVTT FILE 1 00:00:02.000 --> 00:00:07.000 Downloaded from YTS.MX 2 00:00:07.465 --> 00:00:09.801 [man]   Ladies and gentlemen, please help me welcome 3 00:00:08.000 --> 00:00:13.000 Official YIFY movies site: YTS.MX 4 00:00:09.843 --> 00:00:12.178 Pete Lee! 5 00:00:12.220 --> 00:00:15.181 [cheers and applause] 6 00:00:16.683 --> 00:00:18.643 Oh, my God. 7 00:00:23.023 --> 00:00:24.899 You, stop. 8 00:00:24.941 --> 00:00:27.610 No, but stop. 9 00:00:27.652 --> 00:00:30.905 Ah... 10 00:00:30.947 --> 00:00:33.199 thank you. 11 00:00:33.241 --> 00:00:36.494 Wow. 12 00:00:36.536 --> 00:00:40.373 Oh, my God. What a beautiful crowd. 13 00:00:40.415 --> 00:00:43.668 -Hello. Hi. How are ya? -[audience cheers] 14 00:00:43.710 --> 00:00:46.046 Oh, my gosh. We're gonna party tonight, man. 15 00:00:46.087 --> 00:00:50.300 Big Showtime taping, yeah. Wow! 16 00:00:50.341 --> 00:00:53.762 Yeah, cocaine, right? 17 00:00:53.803 --> 00:00:55.722 That was fun. This table laughed real hard. 18 00:00:55.764 --> 00:00:57.766 These guys were quiet. Like, "[gasps] 19 00:00:57.807 --> 00:01:00.769 He knows." 20 00:01:00.810 --> 00:01:02.437 Look at my sweet, Wisconsin face. 21 00:01:02.479 --> 00:01:03.646 I don't know about cocaine. 22 00:01:03.688 --> 00:01:04.981 I have some cheese in my backpack. 23 00:01:05.023 --> 00:01:06.733 Uh... 24 00:01:06.775 --> 00:01:08.860 I actually--Don't be disappointed in me, 25 00:01:08.902 --> 00:01:11.613 but I did cocaine one time. I just wanted to smell it. 26 00:01:11.654 --> 00:01:14.324 [laughter] 27 00:01:14.365 --> 00:01:17.702 Yeah, it smelled like energy... 28 00:01:17.744 --> 00:01:21.414 and erectile dysfunction. 29 00:01:21.456 --> 00:01:23.208 What a crazy drug, right? 30 00:01:23.249 --> 00:01:24.959 You have the confidence to talk any woman into bed 31 00:01:25.001 --> 00:01:26.169 and then you get there and you're like, 32 00:01:26.211 --> 00:01:30.090 "Hey, do you wanna talk? 33 00:01:30.131 --> 00:01:33.259 I'm a great listener." You know? 34 00:01:33.301 --> 00:01:34.969 But I didn't know about cocaine 35 00:01:35.011 --> 00:01:37.180 'cause I'm pretty wholesome. Like, all I knew 36 00:01:37.222 --> 00:01:38.681 is what they told you in Health class. 37 00:01:38.723 --> 00:01:40.391 Do you remember that day where they're like, 38 00:01:40.433 --> 00:01:43.728 "One sniff of this stuff, next stop, Skid Row." 39 00:01:43.770 --> 00:01:45.438 [laughter] 40 00:01:45.480 --> 00:01:47.857 What they don't tell you is in between those two points 41 00:01:47.899 --> 00:01:50.235 there's usually... years of fun. 42 00:01:50.276 --> 00:01:53.238 [laughter] 43 00:01:54.739 --> 00:01:57.408 And, sometimes, it never ends. 44 00:01:57.450 --> 00:02:00.120 So, I thought I was gonna rob a liquor store. 45 00:02:00.161 --> 00:02:02.205 That's what I thought... was gonna happen 46 00:02:02.247 --> 00:02:03.581 the first time that I did cocaine. 47 00:02:03.623 --> 00:02:05.083 I was like, "This is where I start 48 00:02:05.125 --> 00:02:07.418 wearing leather jackets and snappin' my fingers 49 00:02:07.460 --> 00:02:11.131 and...and dance fighting other men." 50 00:02:11.172 --> 00:02:12.757 Right? 51 00:02:12.799 --> 00:02:14.467 That's what I thought was gonna happen. 52 00:02:14.509 --> 00:02:16.636 I had no idea that on cocaine I would just get 53 00:02:16.678 --> 00:02:20.098 way more Wisconsin than I already am. 54 00:02:20.140 --> 00:02:22.684 I was like, [sniffs]. Then I was like, "Geez Louise. 55 00:02:25.145 --> 00:02:28.773 This stuff really kicks you in the keister." 56 00:02:28.815 --> 00:02:31.234 My buddy's like, "What do you wanna do now, man?" 57 00:02:31.276 --> 00:02:33.236 I was like, "Volunteer. 58 00:02:33.278 --> 00:02:35.488 [laughter] 59 00:02:35.530 --> 00:02:39.033 Let's build a nursing home tonight." 60 00:02:39.075 --> 00:02:42.036 [laughter] 61 00:02:45.206 --> 00:02:47.083 What the hell is up with the jawing 62 00:02:47.125 --> 00:02:48.543 when you take cocaine? I didn't know-- 63 00:02:48.585 --> 00:02:51.421 I was just walking around going, "Ahh..." 64 00:02:51.462 --> 00:02:53.798 If you were sick and penicillin made you go, 65 00:02:53.840 --> 00:02:55.008 "Ahh..." You'd be like, 66 00:02:55.049 --> 00:02:57.260 "I'm not takin' it." 67 00:02:57.302 --> 00:02:59.679 I'm not good on substances in general. 68 00:02:59.721 --> 00:03:01.973 I'm your friend that if I have, like, three or more alcohols 69 00:03:02.015 --> 00:03:04.309 I'm like, "[slurring] You don't even love me. 70 00:03:04.350 --> 00:03:07.312 [laughter] 71 00:03:07.353 --> 00:03:11.733 You didn't even notice my new jacket." 72 00:03:11.774 --> 00:03:14.611 All my friends are, like, alcoholic bullies. 73 00:03:14.652 --> 00:03:16.613 They're like, "Drink it. Chug it. Slam it." 74 00:03:16.654 --> 00:03:19.574 I'm like, "I can't. It's a daiquiri. It'll hurt." 75 00:03:23.453 --> 00:03:24.996 I'm not a manly man. 76 00:03:25.038 --> 00:03:26.206 I know I look like a quarterback, 77 00:03:26.247 --> 00:03:28.583 but inside I am all cheerleader. 78 00:03:30.919 --> 00:03:32.962 Like, if I was strangling one of you, 79 00:03:33.004 --> 00:03:36.799 you'd be like, "Oh, your hands are so soft. 80 00:03:36.841 --> 00:03:39.761 Oh...death tickles. 81 00:03:41.262 --> 00:03:44.432 Thanks for exfoliating before my murder." 82 00:03:47.685 --> 00:03:50.521 Are there any ladies out here doing a Girl's Night tonight? 83 00:03:50.563 --> 00:03:52.482 -Gettin' crazy? Yeah. Whoo. -[woman cheers] 84 00:03:52.523 --> 00:03:53.983 Yeah! Girl's Night! 85 00:03:54.025 --> 00:03:55.944 Girl's Night! 86 00:03:55.985 --> 00:04:00.073 We're not going home until somebody cries 87 00:04:01.824 --> 00:04:04.369 It's a Girl's Night 88 00:04:04.410 --> 00:04:06.287 [sizzles] 89 00:04:06.329 --> 00:04:07.705 [laughter] 90 00:04:07.747 --> 00:04:11.000 Yeah, I made it shimmer. 91 00:04:12.460 --> 00:04:14.128 A lot of macho guys get pissed 92 00:04:14.170 --> 00:04:16.673 when their girlfriends have Girl's Nights and me, too, 93 00:04:16.714 --> 00:04:19.634 'cause I'm invited. 94 00:04:22.428 --> 00:04:24.514 My girlfriend's always like, "It's just us girls 95 00:04:24.555 --> 00:04:28.351 and you can come, Pete." [chuckles] 96 00:04:28.393 --> 00:04:30.436 And then I get way too drunk... 97 00:04:30.478 --> 00:04:33.439 and I cry and we go home. 98 00:04:33.481 --> 00:04:36.943 [laughter] 99 00:04:36.985 --> 00:04:39.320 Yeah, I have a girlfriend who's real 100 00:04:39.362 --> 00:04:40.530 and, uh... 101 00:04:40.571 --> 00:04:42.073 [laughter] 102 00:04:42.115 --> 00:04:45.285 I know, shocker, right? 103 00:04:45.326 --> 00:04:47.036 Yeah, I, uh--I have a girlfriend that's real. 104 00:04:47.078 --> 00:04:48.746 It's so funny. When we first met each other 105 00:04:48.788 --> 00:04:50.623 she was like, "Ugh." She's like, "I'm so happy 106 00:04:50.665 --> 00:04:53.418 that I finally met a sensitive guy." Right? 107 00:04:53.459 --> 00:04:55.586 But now--now that it's, like, three years later, 108 00:04:55.628 --> 00:04:58.631 she's like, "Dang it! Who used all my body wash?" 109 00:05:00.133 --> 00:05:04.137 And I'm like, "Guilty." Right? 110 00:05:04.178 --> 00:05:06.389 Right? 'Cause here's my thing. Why would you ever use 111 00:05:06.431 --> 00:05:09.267 bar soap when there's a product in our shower called 112 00:05:09.309 --> 00:05:13.604 Enchanted Peppermint Kisses? 113 00:05:13.646 --> 00:05:18.276 You're dang right I want some enchanted peppermint kisses. 114 00:05:18.318 --> 00:05:21.529 I wanna smell like a unicorn that farts Altoids. 115 00:05:24.282 --> 00:05:27.035 But she got so mad at me 'cause I don't know 116 00:05:27.076 --> 00:05:29.287 how to use body wash technology. I didn't know you put 117 00:05:29.329 --> 00:05:31.998 a tiny, little drop in the poofy thing 118 00:05:32.040 --> 00:05:34.250 and then you suds it all up and you do your whole body 119 00:05:34.292 --> 00:05:36.377 with a tiny little drop. 120 00:05:36.419 --> 00:05:39.130 I had no idea. I was like, [squishes] "Arm. 121 00:05:39.172 --> 00:05:40.631 [squishes] Other arm. 122 00:05:40.673 --> 00:05:43.509 [squishes] Leg. [squishes] Other leg. 123 00:05:43.551 --> 00:05:46.012 [squishes] This area. 124 00:05:46.054 --> 00:05:48.890 [squishes] Repeat." 125 00:05:51.601 --> 00:05:54.228 I used a half a bottle. 126 00:05:54.270 --> 00:05:57.565 This stuff costs $38 a bottle. 127 00:05:57.607 --> 00:06:00.234 That's nu-- That was a $19 shower. 128 00:06:00.276 --> 00:06:01.986 [laughter] 129 00:06:02.028 --> 00:06:05.573 This body is not worth that. 130 00:06:05.615 --> 00:06:07.033 She got so mad at me. She goes, 131 00:06:07.075 --> 00:06:08.409 "Dude, if you don't stop using all my 132 00:06:08.451 --> 00:06:10.078 Enchanted Peppermint Kisses body wash, 133 00:06:10.119 --> 00:06:13.414 I'm gonna tell your best friend." 134 00:06:13.456 --> 00:06:16.959 And I was like, "Well, why would you say that to my cat?" 135 00:06:19.087 --> 00:06:21.381 By the way, my cat licks himself clean. 136 00:06:21.422 --> 00:06:24.717 That's a-- That's a way weirder shower. 137 00:06:24.759 --> 00:06:26.803 Sidebar, have you guys ever made eye contact 138 00:06:26.844 --> 00:06:29.680 with a cat while it's licking itself clean? 139 00:06:29.722 --> 00:06:32.141 The cat's just like, "Uh, uh..." 140 00:06:32.183 --> 00:06:35.103 [laughter] 141 00:06:43.319 --> 00:06:45.905 You're like, "I feel dirty." 142 00:06:48.366 --> 00:06:50.451 So my girlfriend, she goes and tells 143 00:06:50.493 --> 00:06:52.870 my second best friend, Ryan... 144 00:06:52.912 --> 00:06:54.664 [audience chuckling] 145 00:06:54.705 --> 00:06:56.791 and Ryan confronts me. He goes, "Dude, if I ever 146 00:06:56.833 --> 00:07:00.169 saw you using Enchanted Peppermint Kisses body wash, 147 00:07:00.211 --> 00:07:02.588 I would take away your man card." 148 00:07:02.630 --> 00:07:04.924 And I was like, "Dude, in that scenario, 149 00:07:04.966 --> 00:07:08.428 you are the one watching me shower." 150 00:07:08.469 --> 00:07:11.431 [laughter] 151 00:07:15.601 --> 00:07:18.896 Which is weirder? Me using a delicious body wash 152 00:07:18.938 --> 00:07:21.983 or him lurking in my bathroom... 153 00:07:22.024 --> 00:07:25.945 waiting for the aroma to plume over the shower curtain... 154 00:07:25.987 --> 00:07:30.741 going, "Hey, bro, is that some Enchanted Peppermint Kisses? 155 00:07:30.783 --> 00:07:33.453 Sniff sniff. 156 00:07:33.494 --> 00:07:35.872 I'm gonna take away your man card." 157 00:07:35.913 --> 00:07:39.459 Cachink. Cachink. Cachink. 158 00:07:39.500 --> 00:07:42.462 [laughter] 159 00:07:43.504 --> 00:07:46.007 "Hand it over." 160 00:07:53.806 --> 00:07:56.851 I'm trying to be more rugged. I, uh... 161 00:07:56.893 --> 00:08:00.938 [laughter] 162 00:08:00.980 --> 00:08:03.232 All right, that laughter was hurtful. 163 00:08:03.274 --> 00:08:06.319 [laughter] 164 00:08:06.360 --> 00:08:10.323 I wore a bomber jacket for you guys tonight. 165 00:08:10.364 --> 00:08:14.911 Yeah, this is my manliest top. 166 00:08:14.952 --> 00:08:18.206 Yeah, I call it a top. 167 00:08:18.247 --> 00:08:19.790 Yeah, but I don't know if you guys can tell 168 00:08:19.832 --> 00:08:22.460 by the shiny zipper, it's Lululemon. 169 00:08:25.129 --> 00:08:28.883 I look like a dance mom. 170 00:08:28.925 --> 00:08:31.260 I look like the dance mom that's like, "I sewed 171 00:08:31.302 --> 00:08:35.139 the entire team's jackets and then I made one my size." 172 00:08:38.601 --> 00:08:40.186 I'm so Mid-Western I should have, like, 173 00:08:40.228 --> 00:08:42.772 a stomach tattoo of a Crock Pot... 174 00:08:44.982 --> 00:08:47.693 with pot holders that say, "Live, laugh, love." 175 00:08:47.735 --> 00:08:50.696 [laughter] 176 00:08:53.824 --> 00:08:55.284 I've been trying to be more manly 177 00:08:55.326 --> 00:08:56.953 and this is my personality, 178 00:08:56.994 --> 00:08:59.080 so I can't change that. 179 00:08:59.121 --> 00:09:00.873 So I was like, "Maybe if I don't speak 180 00:09:00.915 --> 00:09:02.667 I'll be manly." Right? Right? 181 00:09:02.708 --> 00:09:05.419 "And I just grow out stubble." So, I grew out this stubble. 182 00:09:07.171 --> 00:09:10.174 And now I've been looking at people. 183 00:09:10.216 --> 00:09:12.260 But I have this haircut. So, I just look like 184 00:09:12.301 --> 00:09:15.930 if the Property Brothers had another brother... 185 00:09:15.972 --> 00:09:18.933 [laughter] 186 00:09:20.226 --> 00:09:23.229 who's not a twin, you know? 187 00:09:23.271 --> 00:09:25.523 That's kind of my general coolness vibe in life. 188 00:09:25.565 --> 00:09:28.359 Have you ever seen a family that has two special twins 189 00:09:28.401 --> 00:09:30.278 and then they have their other kid. 190 00:09:32.989 --> 00:09:36.617 Like, "This is Larry and Terry. I'm Gary. 191 00:09:38.536 --> 00:09:41.706 Hi." 192 00:09:41.747 --> 00:09:43.624 Yeah. 193 00:09:43.666 --> 00:09:45.084 Ugh. 194 00:09:45.126 --> 00:09:47.461 I hope I haven't offended anybody tonight. 195 00:09:47.503 --> 00:09:49.422 Uh, that's my nightmare, you know? 196 00:09:49.463 --> 00:09:52.049 I--Ugh, I hate conflict. 197 00:09:52.091 --> 00:09:54.343 Unless you guys like it, then I love it. 198 00:09:54.385 --> 00:09:56.345 [laughter] 199 00:09:56.387 --> 00:09:59.015 I like whatever you guys like, you know? 200 00:09:59.056 --> 00:10:02.977 Look at this sweet face. I'm tall, dark, and pleasant. 201 00:10:04.895 --> 00:10:06.814 I never wanna offend anybody. Like, the other day, 202 00:10:06.856 --> 00:10:08.399 this guy sneezed. I wanted to say, "Bless you." 203 00:10:08.441 --> 00:10:10.693 But instead I was like, "Happy holidays." 204 00:10:10.735 --> 00:10:13.529 [laughter] 205 00:10:13.571 --> 00:10:16.657 I was like, "Feliz Navidad." I don't know what to say. 206 00:10:18.200 --> 00:10:20.661 It just feels so good to be with people again. 207 00:10:20.703 --> 00:10:21.996 You guys feel that way? 208 00:10:22.038 --> 00:10:25.374 -[cheers and applause] -Yeah. 209 00:10:25.416 --> 00:10:27.335 Ah, yeah. 210 00:10:29.795 --> 00:10:31.631 I've been so lonely lately. The other day 211 00:10:31.672 --> 00:10:33.883 my Bluetooth speaker was like, "Ready to connect." 212 00:10:33.924 --> 00:10:37.261 And I was like, "Ah, me, too! 213 00:10:38.346 --> 00:10:42.016 I wanna connect so bad." 214 00:10:42.058 --> 00:10:43.601 I wanna connect with people that don't even want 215 00:10:43.643 --> 00:10:45.770 to connect with me. Like, I just moved 216 00:10:45.811 --> 00:10:47.605 into the first house I've ever lived in 217 00:10:47.647 --> 00:10:50.024 and my next-door-neighbor's this burly, biker dude. 218 00:10:50.066 --> 00:10:51.609 So, I went to go meet him, right? 219 00:10:51.651 --> 00:10:53.778 Why wouldn't you want to meet me, right? 220 00:10:53.819 --> 00:10:57.239 [laughter] 221 00:10:57.281 --> 00:10:59.075 Yeah. 222 00:10:59.116 --> 00:11:01.077 So, I go to meet my neighbor and he goes, 223 00:11:01.118 --> 00:11:04.246 "What's up? My name is Chainsaw Mike." 224 00:11:04.288 --> 00:11:07.166 And I didn't want Chainsaw Mike to think that I didn't 225 00:11:07.208 --> 00:11:09.669 also have a scary nickname, 226 00:11:09.710 --> 00:11:11.003 so I was like, "What's going on? 227 00:11:11.045 --> 00:11:13.005 My name is Indoor Dining Pete." 228 00:11:17.009 --> 00:11:18.552 Yeah. 229 00:11:20.262 --> 00:11:23.599 Yeah, I'm dangerous. 230 00:11:23.641 --> 00:11:25.851 I touch door handles and everything. 231 00:11:25.893 --> 00:11:28.312 [audience whoos] 232 00:11:28.354 --> 00:11:30.773 I touch door handles, but I touch 'em way up here now. 233 00:11:30.815 --> 00:11:32.900 That's what I do. There's less-- 234 00:11:32.942 --> 00:11:36.696 There's less germs at altitude. 235 00:11:36.737 --> 00:11:39.281 Right? I Michelle Obama the door handle, right? 236 00:11:39.323 --> 00:11:43.160 Other people go low, I go high. 237 00:11:43.202 --> 00:11:44.829 That's what I do. But now when I walk 238 00:11:44.870 --> 00:11:46.831 into a building I just look like a stripper 239 00:11:46.872 --> 00:11:49.041 who's starting her dance. 240 00:11:52.837 --> 00:11:56.882 Like, I don't just enter. I create an experience. 241 00:11:56.924 --> 00:11:58.843 [woman] Whoo! Ow! 242 00:11:58.884 --> 00:12:01.554 And then, you know, before I leave, I wipe it down. 243 00:12:01.595 --> 00:12:03.180 Uh... 244 00:12:04.098 --> 00:12:06.100 Tss tss. Oh, yeah. 245 00:12:06.142 --> 00:12:08.018 [audience whoos] 246 00:12:08.060 --> 00:12:10.438 Oh, yeah. 247 00:12:10.479 --> 00:12:12.440 Yeah. 248 00:12:12.481 --> 00:12:15.192 You know what my pet peeve is now? 249 00:12:15.234 --> 00:12:19.739 Is when motion sensor sinks don't recognize my existence. 250 00:12:19.780 --> 00:12:21.782 Isn't that the worst? I'm just standing there 251 00:12:21.824 --> 00:12:26.328 waving my dumb hand like, "How pale am I?" 252 00:12:26.370 --> 00:12:28.205 This thing's looking at my hand like, 253 00:12:28.247 --> 00:12:30.291 "Nah, that's just more sink." 254 00:12:32.752 --> 00:12:36.505 It's just judging my bone-white ivory hand. 255 00:12:36.547 --> 00:12:38.299 I'm standing there waving my dumb hand. 256 00:12:38.340 --> 00:12:40.676 It's giving me no water. A motion sensor hand foam 257 00:12:40.718 --> 00:12:44.472 is like, [squeaking]. 258 00:12:44.513 --> 00:12:47.057 "I'm here for you, buddy." [squeaks] 259 00:12:49.143 --> 00:12:52.104 I'm like, "Ugh!" Paper towels are like, [hums]. 260 00:12:52.146 --> 00:12:55.775 [laughter] 261 00:12:55.816 --> 00:12:57.651 So what do you do? You try different hand motions. 262 00:12:57.693 --> 00:13:01.447 Right, you're like, "I'm gonna go really slow. 263 00:13:01.489 --> 00:13:03.240 Then I'm gonna go really fast." 264 00:13:03.282 --> 00:13:05.785 Then you end up doing, like, an interpretive hand dance. 265 00:13:05.826 --> 00:13:09.205 [laughter] 266 00:13:09.246 --> 00:13:11.874 Like a weird   Cirque du Soleil. 267 00:13:11.916 --> 00:13:13.793 But then what do you do? You're like, 268 00:13:13.834 --> 00:13:15.836 "You know what I'm gonna do? I'm just gonna finesse it. 269 00:13:15.878 --> 00:13:18.172 Like, a little bit." 270 00:13:18.214 --> 00:13:21.091 [laughter] 271 00:13:21.133 --> 00:13:23.427 Yeah, and then it rewards you. It's like, squirt. 272 00:13:23.469 --> 00:13:26.514 You're like, "Ohh... 273 00:13:26.555 --> 00:13:28.474 so, that's what gets you going. 274 00:13:28.516 --> 00:13:30.726 All right. 275 00:13:30.768 --> 00:13:33.854 You just wanted me to be a gentleman about it." 276 00:13:35.439 --> 00:13:37.233 [squeaks] "I was watching." 277 00:13:39.401 --> 00:13:42.196 "Me, too." [hums] 278 00:13:44.448 --> 00:13:48.577 Why do motion sensor sinks work, like, four percent of the time? 279 00:13:48.619 --> 00:13:52.998 But if you're sitting down on a motion sensor toilet... 280 00:13:53.040 --> 00:13:55.251 and even one flake of lint 281 00:13:55.292 --> 00:13:58.337 floats into that stall... 282 00:13:58.379 --> 00:14:02.466 you're like, "Oh, no!" 283 00:14:04.009 --> 00:14:06.554 Motion sensor toilet's like, "Gotcha!" 284 00:14:06.595 --> 00:14:09.557 [imitates toilet flushing violently] 285 00:14:12.184 --> 00:14:15.020 It's shooting Niagara Falls temperature mist 286 00:14:15.062 --> 00:14:17.690 into your butt crack skin. 287 00:14:17.731 --> 00:14:21.986 It feels like 1,000 dog noses are nuzzling your butt cheeks. 288 00:14:25.906 --> 00:14:28.075 Has that ever happened to you guys? 289 00:14:28.117 --> 00:14:31.412 [laughter] 290 00:14:31.453 --> 00:14:33.080 Well, it's terrifying, right? 291 00:14:33.122 --> 00:14:35.583 'Cause, like, that noise is, like, six inches below 292 00:14:35.624 --> 00:14:38.252 your most tender bits. 293 00:14:38.294 --> 00:14:40.462 It sounds like a jet engine with suction. 294 00:14:40.504 --> 00:14:42.172 Just, [whooshes]. 295 00:14:42.214 --> 00:14:44.884 I'm so afraid it's gonna be like, [thuds]. 296 00:14:44.925 --> 00:14:46.969 [laughter] 297 00:14:47.011 --> 00:14:48.929 Just suck my junk off. 298 00:14:51.557 --> 00:14:54.560 All right, I realize now that was a poor word choice. 299 00:14:56.854 --> 00:15:00.399 Yeah, I grew up in Wisconsin, yeah? 300 00:15:00.441 --> 00:15:02.943 -Oh, whoo. Yeah. All right. -[cheers and applause] 301 00:15:02.985 --> 00:15:05.654 Yeah. Are there people here from Wisconsin? 302 00:15:05.696 --> 00:15:07.406 -[cheers] -Yeah, you're from Wisconsin. 303 00:15:07.448 --> 00:15:09.199 Do you know Dave? 304 00:15:10.534 --> 00:15:14.371 He looked at me like, "I am Dave. 305 00:15:14.413 --> 00:15:17.249 It's been a while." 306 00:15:17.291 --> 00:15:20.127 I love Wisconsin. Ugh, yeah, I'm from Wisconsin. 307 00:15:20.169 --> 00:15:21.837 That's why everything I say sounds like, 308 00:15:21.879 --> 00:15:23.047 [thick accent] "Oh, my gosh. Crepes. 309 00:15:23.088 --> 00:15:25.966 Tater tots." 310 00:15:26.008 --> 00:15:28.052 [normal voice] Everyone in Wisconsin talks like this 311 00:15:28.093 --> 00:15:29.929 and when you confront them with the accent, 312 00:15:29.970 --> 00:15:33.098 they're like, "Oh, no, we don't talk like that. No. 313 00:15:34.516 --> 00:15:37.144 No, we talk like they do on the news." 314 00:15:38.854 --> 00:15:41.982 And I'm like, [thick accent] "No, you don't." 315 00:15:42.024 --> 00:15:44.985 [normal voice] You've never turned on nightly national news 316 00:15:45.027 --> 00:15:47.237 and heard them be like, [thick accent] "Oh, my God! 317 00:15:47.279 --> 00:15:49.239 [laughter] 318 00:15:49.281 --> 00:15:52.076 We're out here in Washington D.C. 319 00:15:52.117 --> 00:15:56.372 and let me tell you, guys, it is a ruckus. 320 00:15:56.413 --> 00:15:59.458 [laughter] 321 00:16:02.378 --> 00:16:04.505 [normal voice] We talk like idiots. 322 00:16:07.174 --> 00:16:08.801 I used to live in New York City. 323 00:16:08.842 --> 00:16:13.430 I don't know if you can tell that by how dangerous I am. 324 00:16:13.472 --> 00:16:15.683 But when I first moved there I auditioned to play 325 00:16:15.724 --> 00:16:18.018 a Brooklyn police officer on the TV show 326 00:16:18.060 --> 00:16:20.396 Law & Order: SVU. 327 00:16:20.437 --> 00:16:22.356 -[cheers and applause] -Yeah, whoo, yeah. 328 00:16:22.398 --> 00:16:23.816 Women love Law & Order: SVU. 329 00:16:23.857 --> 00:16:25.693 Do you guys know what the premise is of the show 330 00:16:25.734 --> 00:16:27.361 Law & Order: SVU? 331 00:16:27.403 --> 00:16:30.155 It's crimes only against women. 332 00:16:31.615 --> 00:16:33.409 And when you say, Law & Order: SVU, 333 00:16:33.450 --> 00:16:35.285 women are like, "Whoo!" 334 00:16:35.327 --> 00:16:37.162 [laughter] 335 00:16:37.204 --> 00:16:39.164 My girlfriend loves that show. She'll be like, 336 00:16:39.206 --> 00:16:41.083 "Why do I have nightmares every night?" 337 00:16:41.125 --> 00:16:45.295 I'm like, "Do you think it's your ladies murder show... 338 00:16:45.337 --> 00:16:47.506 that you watch before you close your peepers? 339 00:16:47.548 --> 00:16:48.924 Do you think..." 340 00:16:48.966 --> 00:16:51.552 "Oh, no, it must be the olives on the pizza." 341 00:16:54.013 --> 00:16:56.348 I auditioned to play a Brooklyn police officer 342 00:16:56.390 --> 00:16:59.309 having no idea that I did not have a Brooklyn accent 343 00:16:59.351 --> 00:17:02.312 flowing out of my face. 344 00:17:02.354 --> 00:17:04.148 I walked into that audition. I was like, 345 00:17:04.189 --> 00:17:05.482 [Wisconsin accent] "Freeze, criminals." 346 00:17:05.524 --> 00:17:08.235 [laughter] 347 00:17:08.277 --> 00:17:11.405 The director was like, "No. 348 00:17:11.447 --> 00:17:13.657 You're gonna play the victim." 349 00:17:18.245 --> 00:17:19.663 All right, 'cause look at this wholesome face. 350 00:17:19.705 --> 00:17:21.790 I do not have the face of a hardened criminal. 351 00:17:21.832 --> 00:17:23.584 I have a face like, "Oh, so that's who drinks 352 00:17:23.625 --> 00:17:25.586 almond milk." 353 00:17:28.255 --> 00:17:30.090 Look at me. I look like I stay in shape 354 00:17:30.132 --> 00:17:33.719 by only flying kites. 355 00:17:33.761 --> 00:17:35.095 Like, "Dude, you're getting jacked." 356 00:17:35.137 --> 00:17:37.222 "Yeah, it's been gusty." 357 00:17:42.394 --> 00:17:44.480 I scare people with my friendliness. 358 00:17:44.521 --> 00:17:46.190 It's weird and I know it. 359 00:17:46.231 --> 00:17:48.567 And I wish that I could stop it, but I can't. 360 00:17:48.609 --> 00:17:52.029 I walk down the street, I say hi to everyone. 361 00:17:52.071 --> 00:17:55.032 I'm like, "Hi!" People are like, "No. 362 00:17:56.784 --> 00:17:58.827 Don't do that. You're scaring my kid, 363 00:17:58.869 --> 00:18:00.996 all right?" 364 00:18:01.038 --> 00:18:02.498 I think that's why I don't have any children. 365 00:18:02.539 --> 00:18:06.251 I think even my swimmers are too nice. 366 00:18:06.293 --> 00:18:08.212 I think they swim right over to the egg 367 00:18:08.253 --> 00:18:10.214 and they're like, "I don't wanna be a bother. 368 00:18:10.255 --> 00:18:13.217 [laughter] 369 00:18:13.258 --> 00:18:16.095 I'm just gonna hang out over here in the friend zone. 370 00:18:17.554 --> 00:18:20.349 If you wanna make a baby, ram into me. 371 00:18:22.476 --> 00:18:24.436 Sorry." 372 00:18:27.981 --> 00:18:29.691 It's hard to be tough with my name 373 00:18:29.733 --> 00:18:32.486 'cause my name is Peter. Hm, Peter. 374 00:18:33.487 --> 00:18:35.239 That's not hard core. 375 00:18:35.280 --> 00:18:36.782 Nobody's ever been like, "Hey, whose Harley is that?" 376 00:18:36.824 --> 00:18:38.784 "It's Peter's." 377 00:18:41.912 --> 00:18:43.455 I asked my dad. I was like, "Why did you 378 00:18:43.497 --> 00:18:45.082 name me Peter?" And he goes, "'Cause I thought 379 00:18:45.124 --> 00:18:46.917 it was the strongest sounding name in the Bible." 380 00:18:46.959 --> 00:18:49.336 And I was like, "Uh...no, you could've named me Satan." 381 00:18:52.297 --> 00:18:54.007 [man whoos] 382 00:18:54.049 --> 00:18:56.969 Pretty sure nobody would call me Satan, Satan Pumpkin Eater. 383 00:18:59.471 --> 00:19:01.390 And even if they did, I'd be like, "Ahh!" 384 00:19:01.431 --> 00:19:03.684 You know? 385 00:19:03.725 --> 00:19:05.686 Crazy. 386 00:19:05.727 --> 00:19:08.522 My dad was like, "No, Peter is a tough name 387 00:19:08.564 --> 00:19:11.150 because it comes from the Latin word that means rock. 388 00:19:11.191 --> 00:19:13.902 So, your name means rock." 389 00:19:13.944 --> 00:19:16.989 And I was like, "I'm pretty sure that's a lie... 390 00:19:17.030 --> 00:19:19.116 'cause otherwise he would've called himself 391 00:19:19.158 --> 00:19:21.451 Dwayne The Peter Johnson." 392 00:19:21.493 --> 00:19:23.662 [laughter] 393 00:19:23.704 --> 00:19:26.665 "Can you smell what the Peter is cookin'? 394 00:19:28.584 --> 00:19:31.336 You don't wanna get smacked around by the Peter." 395 00:19:31.378 --> 00:19:34.339 [laughter] 396 00:19:37.467 --> 00:19:40.596 I don't like my full name. My name is Peter Lee. 397 00:19:40.637 --> 00:19:42.598 [audience snickers] 398 00:19:42.639 --> 00:19:45.017 -My name's-- -[laughter] 399 00:19:45.058 --> 00:19:47.394 It's not a good name. [chuckles] 400 00:19:47.436 --> 00:19:49.354 If you're in a dark alley, "Who goes there?" 401 00:19:49.396 --> 00:19:52.065 "Peter Lee." 402 00:19:52.107 --> 00:19:54.067 You'd be like, "I'm getting a wallet." 403 00:19:56.445 --> 00:19:59.573 My name sounds like a word from a cheesy romance novel. 404 00:19:59.615 --> 00:20:04.161 Like, "She peterly sauntered towards the window. 405 00:20:04.203 --> 00:20:07.414 He pressed into her. His chest heaved peterly." 406 00:20:09.499 --> 00:20:11.919 My name sounds like an old Irish woman feelin' sorry for ya. 407 00:20:11.960 --> 00:20:13.128 Like, [Irish accent] "Oh, you poor thing. 408 00:20:13.170 --> 00:20:14.755 You look all peterly. 409 00:20:14.796 --> 00:20:17.591 [laughter] 410 00:20:17.633 --> 00:20:19.468 Oh, here. Have a beer and a blanket, 411 00:20:19.509 --> 00:20:22.596 you peterly bastard. 412 00:20:22.638 --> 00:20:27.100 Oh, put your head on my 'teet'... 413 00:20:27.142 --> 00:20:30.354 peet." 414 00:20:30.395 --> 00:20:33.065 I just wanna be more dangerous, you know? 415 00:20:34.566 --> 00:20:37.444 I wanna be hard and soft like VELCRO. 416 00:20:40.656 --> 00:20:42.658 I want my nickname to be [clears throat]. 417 00:20:42.699 --> 00:20:44.618 [laughter] 418 00:20:44.660 --> 00:20:46.662 I just want women to think that I'm dangerous 419 00:20:46.703 --> 00:20:49.289 in a sexy way, but I never wanna make 420 00:20:49.331 --> 00:20:52.042 a woman feel in danger. Does that make any sense? 421 00:20:52.084 --> 00:20:53.335 [woman cheers] 422 00:20:53.377 --> 00:20:56.380 -Yeah. Yeah. -[cheers and applause] 423 00:20:56.421 --> 00:20:58.507 Like, the other night I was leaving a bar 424 00:20:58.548 --> 00:21:00.467 and, uh, there was this real cute girl 425 00:21:00.509 --> 00:21:02.135 left in front of me. She was all tipsy. 426 00:21:02.177 --> 00:21:04.930 She was on her apps, you know? 427 00:21:04.972 --> 00:21:06.682 So I was like, "All right, Pete, hang back. 428 00:21:06.723 --> 00:21:09.851 Don't make her feel in danger." 429 00:21:09.893 --> 00:21:12.271 And she's super slow. And then she turns left. 430 00:21:12.312 --> 00:21:14.690 I was like, "Ah, man. I gotta turn left there." 431 00:21:14.731 --> 00:21:16.233 Then she turns right. And I was like, 432 00:21:16.275 --> 00:21:19.194 "That's where I was going!" 433 00:21:19.236 --> 00:21:21.071 So, finally I just yelled after her. 434 00:21:21.113 --> 00:21:23.282 I go, "You are not in danger, ma'am." 435 00:21:23.323 --> 00:21:26.285 [laughter] 436 00:21:30.247 --> 00:21:32.207 I was so insulted. She turned around and she goes, 437 00:21:32.249 --> 00:21:34.334 "I know." 438 00:21:38.046 --> 00:21:39.506 Wow. 439 00:21:44.803 --> 00:21:47.306 I was like, "Well, now I don't feel emotionally safe... 440 00:21:49.016 --> 00:21:51.226 and could you walk   me   home?" 441 00:21:52.686 --> 00:21:55.022 And she took me as far as she was going. 442 00:21:56.648 --> 00:21:58.525 So, that was good. 443 00:22:01.778 --> 00:22:05.699 I got mistaken for being a really bad guy the other day. 444 00:22:05.741 --> 00:22:07.743 I was in one of those, like, college campus, 445 00:22:07.784 --> 00:22:10.329 like, safe space coffee shops. 446 00:22:12.122 --> 00:22:14.207 Like, you know the ones that I'm talking about, right? 447 00:22:14.249 --> 00:22:16.752 Where you're like, [sneezes] and they're like, "Triggered." 448 00:22:16.793 --> 00:22:20.797 [laughter] 449 00:22:20.839 --> 00:22:22.966 I burned my mouth on my coffee 450 00:22:23.008 --> 00:22:25.010 and this gal, she thought that that would be a really good 451 00:22:25.052 --> 00:22:27.637 teachable moment for me. 452 00:22:27.679 --> 00:22:31.224 I was in pain. I go, "Oh!" 453 00:22:31.266 --> 00:22:34.895 She goes, "Excuse me, but that is toxic masculinity." 454 00:22:36.730 --> 00:22:38.899 I was like, "Oh, I'm me. I'll take any masculinity." 455 00:22:41.318 --> 00:22:42.694 Yeah. 456 00:22:45.864 --> 00:22:49.326 I was like, "Thank you so much." 457 00:22:49.368 --> 00:22:52.412 Will you say that again while we FaceTime my dad? 458 00:22:56.583 --> 00:22:58.335 But then she wanted to argue with me 459 00:22:58.377 --> 00:22:59.669 and I hate conflict. So I just told-- 460 00:22:59.711 --> 00:23:01.630 I just spoke her language to her. 461 00:23:01.671 --> 00:23:03.507 I go, "Sorry, I can't fight with you 'cause I'm doing 462 00:23:03.548 --> 00:23:05.342 a 'conflict cleanse'." 463 00:23:08.929 --> 00:23:10.263 And she's like, "What did you say?" 464 00:23:10.305 --> 00:23:12.391 And I was like, "Mindfulness." 465 00:23:14.810 --> 00:23:16.436 [silent] 466 00:23:18.271 --> 00:23:20.899 I think I'm, like, the furthest thing in the world 467 00:23:20.941 --> 00:23:23.235 from a toxic man. 468 00:23:23.276 --> 00:23:26.571 Like, I look like if CBD oil had a mascot. 469 00:23:28.782 --> 00:23:31.743 Like, "You're just a few drops away from a smile." 470 00:23:31.785 --> 00:23:34.746 [laughter] 471 00:23:37.833 --> 00:23:39.751 You know what I'm like? Have you guys ever been 472 00:23:39.793 --> 00:23:43.839 sitting on your toilet and your bathroom door is shut 473 00:23:43.880 --> 00:23:46.883 and you're like, "Ah, I am all alone"? 474 00:23:46.925 --> 00:23:48.427 And then all of a sudden your cat's paw 475 00:23:48.468 --> 00:23:51.096 slips under the door? 476 00:23:51.138 --> 00:23:55.225 And he's like, "Alone no more, mi amigo. 477 00:23:55.267 --> 00:23:57.727 I wanna be in there with you so bad!" 478 00:24:04.234 --> 00:24:06.027 That's like me, but with friendship. 479 00:24:08.196 --> 00:24:11.032 I just wish I was different. I mean, look around this room. 480 00:24:11.074 --> 00:24:12.617 No woman in here is looking at me like, 481 00:24:12.659 --> 00:24:16.079 "Ah, man, I bet Pete would ravage me all night." 482 00:24:16.121 --> 00:24:18.540 [laughter] 483 00:24:18.582 --> 00:24:20.041 There are women in here looking at me like, 484 00:24:20.083 --> 00:24:22.169 "I bet Pete has good penmanship." 485 00:24:24.880 --> 00:24:27.591 And I do. 486 00:24:27.632 --> 00:24:29.468 I don't have a hardcore vibe. I'll tell you the vibe 487 00:24:29.509 --> 00:24:31.428 that I do have. Like, if I sat down next to you 488 00:24:31.470 --> 00:24:33.013 on an airplane, you'd be like, "Ugh... 489 00:24:33.054 --> 00:24:35.223 this guy's gonna wanna talk." 490 00:24:38.894 --> 00:24:41.563 And I do. 491 00:24:41.605 --> 00:24:43.565 I wanna talk so bad. 492 00:24:45.400 --> 00:24:47.277 Like I choose the middle seat on purpose 493 00:24:47.319 --> 00:24:50.405 just so I have more options. 494 00:24:50.447 --> 00:24:53.200 I'm like, "Yeah, shoulders in. 495 00:24:54.784 --> 00:24:57.537 It's a snuggle storm." 496 00:24:57.579 --> 00:25:00.540 [laughter] 497 00:25:05.253 --> 00:25:07.297 Here's a little life tip. If you're ever on an airplane 498 00:25:07.339 --> 00:25:10.634 and you're in that middle seat and you make direct eye contact 499 00:25:10.675 --> 00:25:13.845 with your seatmates and then you wiggle... 500 00:25:22.270 --> 00:25:24.231 you'll get your own row. 501 00:25:24.272 --> 00:25:27.234 [laughter] 502 00:25:27.275 --> 00:25:30.237 [cheers and applause] 503 00:25:35.534 --> 00:25:37.494 That's actually the best way to avoid conflict 504 00:25:37.536 --> 00:25:39.079 in life, right? 505 00:25:39.120 --> 00:25:42.541 All my friends are studying Jiu-jitsu, MMA kickboxing. 506 00:25:42.582 --> 00:25:43.917 I'm like, "You don't gotta do all that, 507 00:25:43.959 --> 00:25:46.378 just make eye contact and wiggle." 508 00:25:47.879 --> 00:25:49.839 No one will fight you. 509 00:25:51.550 --> 00:25:52.884 I was in a bar the other night. 510 00:25:52.926 --> 00:25:54.386 I accidentally spilled this man's beer. 511 00:25:54.427 --> 00:25:56.054 He goes, "Hey! You wanna take this outside?" 512 00:25:56.096 --> 00:25:58.098 I was like, "Be right there." 513 00:26:03.478 --> 00:26:06.439 I got outside. I was like, "Where is he? 514 00:26:08.275 --> 00:26:10.944 Oh, stranger 515 00:26:10.986 --> 00:26:13.655 Hidey ho 516 00:26:13.697 --> 00:26:16.992 You wanna wiggle together? 517 00:26:17.033 --> 00:26:19.911 I got my white belt in wiggles." 518 00:26:24.374 --> 00:26:27.335 The funny thing about that is that I actually-- 519 00:26:27.377 --> 00:26:28.962 I have a black belt in Taekwondo, 520 00:26:29.004 --> 00:26:30.714 but I got it when I was 13 years old 521 00:26:30.755 --> 00:26:32.674 and then I quit. 522 00:26:32.716 --> 00:26:34.342 So do you know what that means? 523 00:26:34.384 --> 00:26:36.678 That means I could destroy anyone in here physically. 524 00:26:36.720 --> 00:26:38.972 I could crush you... 525 00:26:39.014 --> 00:26:41.516 as long as you're 13 or under. 526 00:26:41.558 --> 00:26:43.226 [laughter] 527 00:26:43.268 --> 00:26:45.312 I've only fought children. 528 00:26:47.397 --> 00:26:50.609 Sometimes I get nostalgic. I'll be in a Dairy Queen. 529 00:26:50.650 --> 00:26:52.360 I see a little kid in his karate gi. 530 00:26:52.402 --> 00:26:54.487 I'm like, "God, I wanna kick his ass! 531 00:26:54.529 --> 00:26:56.823 [laughter] 532 00:26:56.865 --> 00:27:00.201 Put me in, coach!" 533 00:27:00.243 --> 00:27:02.120 I stare him down. I'm like, "I'll hit you so hard 534 00:27:02.162 --> 00:27:03.747 your shoes will light up." 535 00:27:08.501 --> 00:27:10.545 But women always say they want a bad boy, 536 00:27:10.587 --> 00:27:13.673 but my whole thing is, "No, you don't." 537 00:27:13.715 --> 00:27:17.302 You don't. 538 00:27:17.344 --> 00:27:19.012 Which would you rather have? A guy that's like, 539 00:27:19.054 --> 00:27:21.222 "Oh, my God, your rack looks great in that dress." 540 00:27:21.264 --> 00:27:22.515 Or would you rather have me that's like, 541 00:27:22.557 --> 00:27:25.352 "Oh, my God, that dress has pockets!" 542 00:27:25.393 --> 00:27:28.355 [women cheering] 543 00:27:30.982 --> 00:27:33.902 Women love dresses with pockets. 544 00:27:33.943 --> 00:27:35.820 [women agreeing] 545 00:27:35.862 --> 00:27:37.781 If you're in love with a woman and you wanna blow her mind, 546 00:27:37.822 --> 00:27:39.658 go steal her favorite dress out of her closet, 547 00:27:39.699 --> 00:27:42.035 take it to a tailor, have him install pockets. 548 00:27:44.204 --> 00:27:46.081 Take her out on her dream date. 549 00:27:46.122 --> 00:27:47.499 In the middle of the date be like, "Hey, babe, 550 00:27:47.540 --> 00:27:49.751 could you hold my ChapStick in your pocket?" 551 00:27:49.793 --> 00:27:51.419 She'll be like, "What? I don't have any-- 552 00:27:51.461 --> 00:27:54.547 [gasps, exclaiming] Oh, my God, there's pockets! 553 00:27:54.589 --> 00:27:56.383 Pockets!" 554 00:28:01.221 --> 00:28:03.348 I would've put my ChapStick in this pocket, 555 00:28:03.390 --> 00:28:05.684 but my pants are too tight. 556 00:28:05.725 --> 00:28:08.687 [laughter] 557 00:28:15.902 --> 00:28:18.571 These are not sittin' jeans. 558 00:28:21.157 --> 00:28:25.078 [chuckles] 559 00:28:25.120 --> 00:28:27.789 I tried to sit down earlier. It was like a trust fall. 560 00:28:27.831 --> 00:28:30.166 I was like, "Oh, boy." 561 00:28:30.208 --> 00:28:33.128 [laughter] 562 00:28:35.130 --> 00:28:38.216 I love women. I used to live in one. 563 00:28:41.636 --> 00:28:43.722 I'm not bitter that I got evicted. 564 00:28:43.763 --> 00:28:46.266 Uh... 565 00:28:46.307 --> 00:28:48.184 Well, it's funny 'cause I grew up with a mom 566 00:28:48.226 --> 00:28:50.770 who was really embedded in the Feminist Movement. 567 00:28:50.812 --> 00:28:52.480 And that's great, but, like, 568 00:28:52.522 --> 00:28:54.649 it was a little bit confusing as a ten-year-old boy 569 00:28:54.691 --> 00:28:56.443 'cause I'd be at these, like, marches and picnics 570 00:28:56.484 --> 00:28:58.236 and these women would be like, "Men are bad!" 571 00:28:58.278 --> 00:29:01.531 And I'd be like, "I am becoming one. 572 00:29:01.573 --> 00:29:03.783 Crap! [chuckles] 573 00:29:03.825 --> 00:29:06.119 Well, I guess I'll half-ass it." 574 00:29:08.913 --> 00:29:11.332 And here you have it. 575 00:29:11.374 --> 00:29:14.335 [laughter] 576 00:29:14.377 --> 00:29:18.047 [cheers and applause] 577 00:29:18.089 --> 00:29:20.133 I'm what happens when you tell a little boy 578 00:29:20.175 --> 00:29:22.093 never to become a man and then you give him 579 00:29:22.135 --> 00:29:25.263 zero further instructions. 580 00:29:27.766 --> 00:29:30.727 But one thing I can't stand is when people say 581 00:29:30.769 --> 00:29:32.896 that women are weak. Women are not weak. 582 00:29:32.937 --> 00:29:35.356 You could birth the people. Yeah. 583 00:29:35.398 --> 00:29:37.108 You are so strong. 584 00:29:37.150 --> 00:29:39.444 You would never pretend like any other animal 585 00:29:39.486 --> 00:29:42.280 was weak just because it was the female of that animal. 586 00:29:42.322 --> 00:29:44.115 You'd never be standing on the beach going, 587 00:29:44.157 --> 00:29:46.409 "Oh, my God, I can't believe that Larry just got eaten 588 00:29:46.451 --> 00:29:48.244 by a girl shark. 589 00:29:51.331 --> 00:29:53.208 Girl sharks be crazy. 590 00:29:55.293 --> 00:29:57.670 Yeah, they're emotional eaters." 591 00:30:00.924 --> 00:30:05.178 She's like, "Ugh, why did I eat all of Larry? 592 00:30:05.220 --> 00:30:09.307 Bridget, why didn't you split Larry with me? 593 00:30:09.349 --> 00:30:11.643 Now I feel like a sea cow." 594 00:30:11.684 --> 00:30:15.480 [laughter] 595 00:30:15.522 --> 00:30:17.857 I just love the idea of a shark named Bridget 596 00:30:17.899 --> 00:30:19.776 swimming around the ocean 597 00:30:19.818 --> 00:30:21.152 with an overbite being like, 598 00:30:21.194 --> 00:30:24.614 "Oh, you did it again, Bridget. 599 00:30:24.656 --> 00:30:28.493 Oh, classic Bridget." 600 00:30:38.127 --> 00:30:41.172 I think that women are the source of love in the world. 601 00:30:41.214 --> 00:30:44.342 -[women cheer] -Yeah, I do. 602 00:30:44.384 --> 00:30:47.262 Yeah. I think women are like trees. 603 00:30:47.303 --> 00:30:49.222 You know how trees take all the bad air 604 00:30:49.264 --> 00:30:52.183 out of the environment and then they do science stuff 605 00:30:52.225 --> 00:30:54.519 and then they're like-- I don't know. 606 00:30:54.561 --> 00:30:56.980 I don't understand it. 607 00:30:57.021 --> 00:30:59.232 They take all the bad air out of the environment. 608 00:30:59.274 --> 00:31:00.733 They do science stuff and then they're like, 609 00:31:00.775 --> 00:31:04.445 "I give you good air." 610 00:31:04.487 --> 00:31:07.323 I think the whole world just shovels crap 611 00:31:07.365 --> 00:31:09.367 and pain at women and women just em-- 612 00:31:09.409 --> 00:31:11.911 they just-- they do science stuff... 613 00:31:11.953 --> 00:31:15.331 and then they're like, "I give you love." 614 00:31:15.373 --> 00:31:18.334 -[cheers and applause] -Yeah. 615 00:31:23.089 --> 00:31:24.924 But that being said... 616 00:31:24.966 --> 00:31:27.927 [laughter] 617 00:31:29.262 --> 00:31:31.389 [chuckles] 618 00:31:31.431 --> 00:31:33.725 I think there's only so much crap and pain 619 00:31:33.766 --> 00:31:36.311 that you can have shoveled at you in a lifetime. 620 00:31:36.352 --> 00:31:38.813 That's why if a woman ever just sees a man 621 00:31:38.855 --> 00:31:40.690 sitting in tranquility she's like, 622 00:31:40.732 --> 00:31:44.652 "I can change that. 623 00:31:44.694 --> 00:31:48.656 Wait, he's just sitting there happy? 624 00:31:48.698 --> 00:31:52.327 Not on my watch." 625 00:31:52.368 --> 00:31:54.245 [man whoos] 626 00:31:54.287 --> 00:31:57.290 [cheers and applause] 627 00:31:59.584 --> 00:32:01.711 Hello, sir, I see your love and I give you 628 00:32:01.753 --> 00:32:04.964 crap and pain. 629 00:32:05.006 --> 00:32:07.091 Yeah. 630 00:32:07.133 --> 00:32:09.260 I think women are smarter than men. 631 00:32:09.302 --> 00:32:11.262 And I'm not pandering. I really think that. 632 00:32:11.304 --> 00:32:12.639 -I think you-- -[woman whoos] 633 00:32:12.680 --> 00:32:15.016 Yeah, I think your brains are amazing. 634 00:32:15.058 --> 00:32:16.893 And I have friends that they're in denial of that. 635 00:32:16.935 --> 00:32:18.519 They're like, "No, I'm smarter than my wife. 636 00:32:18.561 --> 00:32:20.521 I win arguments against her all the time." 637 00:32:20.563 --> 00:32:24.275 I'm like, "You half live in your garage." 638 00:32:27.445 --> 00:32:29.405 Men, we need to level with ourselves. 639 00:32:29.447 --> 00:32:31.824 Our brains are not superior. Like, we do-- 640 00:32:31.866 --> 00:32:33.368 We cannot win an argument with a woman. 641 00:32:33.409 --> 00:32:35.453 Our brains cannot remember every single word 642 00:32:35.495 --> 00:32:39.749 that they've ever said in chronological order... 643 00:32:39.791 --> 00:32:43.127 with instant recall. 644 00:32:43.169 --> 00:32:45.338 The other day I had a disagreement with my girlfriend. 645 00:32:45.380 --> 00:32:46.965 I go, "Oh, yeah? When did I say that?" 646 00:32:47.006 --> 00:32:50.969 She was like, "October 3rd... 647 00:32:51.010 --> 00:32:53.930 7:27 p.m." 648 00:32:55.848 --> 00:32:57.642 I was waiting for her to slide a piece of paper 649 00:32:57.684 --> 00:32:59.602 across the table and be like, "That's your statement. 650 00:32:59.644 --> 00:33:01.145 Do you want to read it back to me? 651 00:33:03.606 --> 00:33:05.733 It's notarized and everything." 652 00:33:08.945 --> 00:33:12.115 I've decided that I am never gonna argue 653 00:33:12.156 --> 00:33:14.158 with my girlfriend again. I'm not gonna do it. 654 00:33:14.200 --> 00:33:15.326 Yeah. 655 00:33:15.368 --> 00:33:18.621 Here's what I'm gonna do. 656 00:33:18.663 --> 00:33:21.499 I'm gonna hire a woman to argue for me. 657 00:33:21.541 --> 00:33:24.502 [laughter] 658 00:33:26.462 --> 00:33:28.881 The next time my girlfriend's like, "We need to talk." 659 00:33:28.923 --> 00:33:33.177 I'm gonna be like, "Lisa, you need to get over here. 660 00:33:33.219 --> 00:33:36.097 Oh, no, what's that, Lisa? You haven't eaten yet today? 661 00:33:36.139 --> 00:33:37.724 Perfect. 662 00:33:37.765 --> 00:33:40.727 [laughter] 663 00:33:43.688 --> 00:33:45.648 Check mate." 664 00:33:52.947 --> 00:33:57.118 I hate getting into arguments with my girlfriend 665 00:33:57.160 --> 00:33:59.120 'cause I love her and it feels terrible 666 00:33:59.162 --> 00:34:01.664 to be at odds with someone that I love that much. 667 00:34:01.706 --> 00:34:03.458 But I'll tell you this, 668 00:34:03.499 --> 00:34:06.252 if I overhear another couple 669 00:34:06.294 --> 00:34:08.755 having a knock-down, drag-out argument, 670 00:34:08.796 --> 00:34:10.715 I will hover until it's done. 671 00:34:16.304 --> 00:34:18.056 I got into an airplane the other day 672 00:34:18.097 --> 00:34:20.183 and, uh, I got the first class upgrade-- 673 00:34:20.224 --> 00:34:22.518 brag... 674 00:34:22.560 --> 00:34:24.437 and this lady sitting next to me, 675 00:34:24.479 --> 00:34:26.022 she had her cell phone and then she had 676 00:34:26.064 --> 00:34:28.191 her airline ticket. And, so, I looked over 677 00:34:28.232 --> 00:34:29.609 and I peeked at her name and I was like-- 678 00:34:29.650 --> 00:34:31.694 in my head I was like, "Hello, Linda." 679 00:34:31.736 --> 00:34:34.697 [laughter] 680 00:34:35.990 --> 00:34:37.825 Two seconds later her phone rings. 681 00:34:37.867 --> 00:34:40.787 She picks it up and she goes, [sternly] "What, Bob?" 682 00:34:42.830 --> 00:34:44.874 I looked her right in the eyes, I clicked my seatbelt, 683 00:34:44.916 --> 00:34:46.876 I was like, click clink. "I'm in. 684 00:34:46.918 --> 00:34:49.587 [laughter] 685 00:34:49.629 --> 00:34:52.131 Couldn't leave if I wanted to, Linda." 686 00:34:54.801 --> 00:34:56.594 Linda and Bob got into the biggest fight 687 00:34:56.636 --> 00:34:58.221 that I've ever heard in my life. 688 00:34:58.262 --> 00:34:59.514 Do you guys wanna know what they had a fight about? 689 00:34:59.555 --> 00:35:00.932 [audience] Yeah! 690 00:35:00.973 --> 00:35:03.559 -[cheers and applause] -Okay. 691 00:35:03.601 --> 00:35:05.645 They got into the biggest fight 692 00:35:05.686 --> 00:35:07.939 because Bob was being the same Bob 693 00:35:07.980 --> 00:35:09.690 that Bob has always been. 694 00:35:09.732 --> 00:35:12.652 [laughter] 695 00:35:14.904 --> 00:35:16.697 [man cheers] 696 00:35:16.739 --> 00:35:20.243 She made an itemized list of every single thing 697 00:35:20.284 --> 00:35:22.245 that he has ever done wrong. 698 00:35:22.286 --> 00:35:26.040 Even I was like, "Dang it, Bob! 699 00:35:26.082 --> 00:35:28.501 Can't you be Robert for a second? 700 00:35:28.543 --> 00:35:30.086 [laughter] 701 00:35:30.128 --> 00:35:32.672 Why you always gotta be Bob, Bob?" 702 00:35:35.341 --> 00:35:36.884 Before she hung up the phone she goes, 703 00:35:36.926 --> 00:35:38.845 "See you at baggage claim, Bob." 704 00:35:40.179 --> 00:35:42.515 Yeah, guess who went to baggage claim? 705 00:35:45.601 --> 00:35:48.396 I went to baggage claim even though I only had 706 00:35:48.437 --> 00:35:51.607 carry-on luggage. 707 00:35:51.649 --> 00:35:54.193 I was just standing there lurking. 708 00:35:57.196 --> 00:35:58.990 This is how I lurk. 709 00:36:00.408 --> 00:36:03.411 I lurk the same way Ellen dances. 710 00:36:04.954 --> 00:36:06.455 Yeah. 711 00:36:10.251 --> 00:36:11.878 Same jacket. 712 00:36:15.923 --> 00:36:17.633 And I see Bob. 713 00:36:17.675 --> 00:36:21.596 And Bob was exactly the man that I thought he was gonna be. 714 00:36:21.637 --> 00:36:24.557 He was between, like, 60 and 65 years old, 715 00:36:24.599 --> 00:36:26.893 silver push-broom mustache. 716 00:36:26.934 --> 00:36:29.103 Like I could've broken a glass. He'd be like, 717 00:36:29.145 --> 00:36:30.855 "I'll get it." 718 00:36:39.947 --> 00:36:41.782 He just had the sweetest look on his face. 719 00:36:41.824 --> 00:36:44.202 Like, "I love two things, taking Linda's crap, 720 00:36:44.243 --> 00:36:45.870 being Bob." 721 00:36:45.912 --> 00:36:48.873 [laughter] 722 00:36:51.709 --> 00:36:53.336 Linda was all terse with him. 723 00:36:53.377 --> 00:36:55.796 She goes, [sternly] "Get my bags, Bob." 724 00:36:55.838 --> 00:36:58.174 He's like, "I'm getting your bags." 725 00:37:00.593 --> 00:37:02.428 And then before he could get the handle up, 726 00:37:02.470 --> 00:37:04.597 she started doing that thing where women walk ahead of you. 727 00:37:04.639 --> 00:37:06.140 You know that thing that they do? 728 00:37:06.182 --> 00:37:08.351 Where they're like, "Hm, try to catch up." 729 00:37:10.311 --> 00:37:13.439 He's like, "I've been following you for 30 years, Linda." 730 00:37:16.317 --> 00:37:18.361 I'm right behind him lurking. 731 00:37:21.989 --> 00:37:24.659 But then Linda goes out the front automatic doors. 732 00:37:24.700 --> 00:37:27.036 Like, [swooshes], right? Lind's gone. 733 00:37:27.078 --> 00:37:28.829 Then Bob starts to walk out the doors. 734 00:37:28.871 --> 00:37:32.250 Stops in the middle of the doorway. 735 00:37:32.291 --> 00:37:35.503 Yeah, it's bag, Bob, bag. 736 00:37:35.544 --> 00:37:38.172 I almost run into him. I go, "Bob!" 737 00:37:41.509 --> 00:37:44.971 Keep in mind he has no idea how I know his name. 738 00:37:46.639 --> 00:37:50.601 Or that I have been obsessed with him for half a day. 739 00:37:50.643 --> 00:37:52.478 He turned to me. He goes, "Excuse me, 740 00:37:52.520 --> 00:37:54.313 but you have a--do you have a problem here, sir?" 741 00:37:54.355 --> 00:37:57.191 And I go, "Oh, yeah, I have a problem. 742 00:37:57.233 --> 00:37:59.986 You're being the same Bob that you've always been." 743 00:38:00.027 --> 00:38:02.989 [laughter] 744 00:38:03.030 --> 00:38:05.992 [cheers and applause] 745 00:38:10.788 --> 00:38:14.417 And then Bob and I talked for another ten minutes... 746 00:38:14.458 --> 00:38:18.254 and we became Facebook friends... 747 00:38:18.296 --> 00:38:20.464 and now any time I have a problem with my girlfriend 748 00:38:20.506 --> 00:38:22.842 I'm like, "Bob, what do I do?" 749 00:38:22.883 --> 00:38:25.011 And he says the same thing every time. 750 00:38:25.052 --> 00:38:27.847 He just types out, "Shh." 751 00:38:27.888 --> 00:38:31.142 [laughter] 752 00:38:31.183 --> 00:38:33.352 Yeah. 753 00:38:33.394 --> 00:38:36.272 'Cause that's always the right thing to do. 754 00:38:36.314 --> 00:38:38.858 If a woman is mad at you, you can't say the wrong thing 755 00:38:38.899 --> 00:38:40.609 if you say nothing. 756 00:38:43.654 --> 00:38:46.032 She'll be like, "Why aren't you saying anything?" 757 00:38:50.536 --> 00:38:53.039 Well, there's this whole idea going around the Internet 758 00:38:53.080 --> 00:38:56.250 that--it's just-- it's very popular, 759 00:38:56.292 --> 00:38:58.210 but I don't think it's true. Everybody's like, 760 00:38:58.252 --> 00:39:00.713 "All men are the worst." 761 00:39:00.755 --> 00:39:05.217 And I'm like, "No, you mean Dave." 762 00:39:05.259 --> 00:39:07.720 Right? Men, we're not sitting in the locker room 763 00:39:07.762 --> 00:39:09.555 being all like, "Ugh, I was with Katie last night. 764 00:39:09.597 --> 00:39:12.516 [gags]." 765 00:39:12.558 --> 00:39:14.226 That's not what we're doing. We're sitting there. 766 00:39:14.268 --> 00:39:15.728 We're showing each other our phones going, 767 00:39:15.770 --> 00:39:17.355 "What does she mean?" 768 00:39:20.649 --> 00:39:23.235 I just wanna do the right thing, but I don't know. 769 00:39:25.863 --> 00:39:27.573 Women are like, "Men are dogs." 770 00:39:27.615 --> 00:39:29.700 I'm like, "Yeah, Golden Retrievers." 771 00:39:29.742 --> 00:39:31.202 [laughter] 772 00:39:31.243 --> 00:39:32.661 We are! That's why we're like, 773 00:39:32.703 --> 00:39:34.914 "She's smiling. I'll sit next to her. 774 00:39:37.416 --> 00:39:40.086 She's frowning. Going in the other room. 775 00:39:42.588 --> 00:39:44.215 Checking in. Still frowning. 776 00:39:44.256 --> 00:39:45.758 Staying." 777 00:39:48.427 --> 00:39:50.638 But that's insane to your brain, right? 778 00:39:50.679 --> 00:39:52.181 You walk in the other room, you're like, 779 00:39:52.223 --> 00:39:53.974 "Why are you just sitting in the other room alone 780 00:39:54.016 --> 00:39:56.977 when we could be finally spending time together?" 781 00:39:57.019 --> 00:39:59.355 And your man is like, "I'm just being happy 782 00:39:59.397 --> 00:40:01.190 while you're not. 783 00:40:03.442 --> 00:40:06.445 I know that's the wrong thing to do." 784 00:40:08.406 --> 00:40:09.615 [man] Yeah. 785 00:40:13.494 --> 00:40:17.415 There's this age-old question 786 00:40:17.456 --> 00:40:20.960 that men say to each other 'cause we love you. 787 00:40:21.001 --> 00:40:23.129 We literally go, "What do women want? 788 00:40:23.170 --> 00:40:24.922 'Cause I just wanna do it." 789 00:40:27.258 --> 00:40:29.009 And I'll tell you. I'm, like, the biggest 790 00:40:29.051 --> 00:40:32.430 people pleaser on the planet, so I have cracked the code. 791 00:40:32.471 --> 00:40:35.766 So, men, listen up. 792 00:40:35.808 --> 00:40:37.852 Here's what women want. 793 00:40:37.893 --> 00:40:41.814 Women want you to do things for them   or   with them 794 00:40:41.856 --> 00:40:44.817 that you do not want to do at all. 795 00:40:44.859 --> 00:40:47.862 [laughter] 796 00:40:47.903 --> 00:40:50.990 But they want you to act like you love it. 797 00:40:52.825 --> 00:40:55.202 It works 100% of the time. 798 00:40:55.244 --> 00:40:58.289 -Yeah. -[cheers and applause] 799 00:41:02.585 --> 00:41:04.462 So, the next time the woman that you love 800 00:41:04.503 --> 00:41:06.672 is like, "Babe, will you go to my all-girl's brunch 801 00:41:06.714 --> 00:41:10.342 that's gonna last three hours and 48 minutes?" 802 00:41:10.384 --> 00:41:12.178 Just look her right in the eyes and be like, 803 00:41:12.219 --> 00:41:15.639 "N...I'd love to. 804 00:41:15.681 --> 00:41:19.143 My favorite thing is thinking things and not saying 'em." 805 00:41:22.271 --> 00:41:24.607 When her friend Tricia's like, "How am I still single?" 806 00:41:24.648 --> 00:41:26.984 Be like, "N... I don't know, Tricia. 807 00:41:31.155 --> 00:41:34.283 That's one of the great mysteries of the universe." 808 00:41:34.325 --> 00:41:37.286 [laughter] 809 00:41:42.541 --> 00:41:45.252 My girlfriend loves going to the grocery store. 810 00:41:45.294 --> 00:41:46.795 I hate going to the grocery store. 811 00:41:46.837 --> 00:41:48.005 -[woman cheers] -You love it. 812 00:41:48.047 --> 00:41:50.758 Yeah. 813 00:41:50.799 --> 00:41:53.302 My girlfriend loves going to the grocery store. 814 00:41:53.344 --> 00:41:55.554 We'll go to, like, five different grocery stores 815 00:41:55.596 --> 00:41:56.889 because she likes different things 816 00:41:56.931 --> 00:41:58.307 at different grocery stores. 817 00:41:58.349 --> 00:42:00.643 -[woman cheers] -She loves it. 818 00:42:00.684 --> 00:42:03.229 Yeah, I don't like doing that. 819 00:42:03.270 --> 00:42:04.813 I don't like touching the sticky cart. 820 00:42:04.855 --> 00:42:07.900 I don't like loading it in the car. 821 00:42:07.942 --> 00:42:10.194 I don't like putting it in my fridge. 822 00:42:10.236 --> 00:42:12.571 And then a week-and-a-half later I don't like 823 00:42:12.613 --> 00:42:14.865 throwing it all away 'cause I haven't eaten any of it. 824 00:42:16.367 --> 00:42:20.079 I hate it. I'd rather order food every day. 825 00:42:22.289 --> 00:42:24.917 So, the other morning I wanted to be sweet to my girlfriend 826 00:42:24.959 --> 00:42:26.919 so I woke up and I go, "Babe, do you know 827 00:42:26.961 --> 00:42:28.587 what I wanna do today?" And she's like, "What?" 828 00:42:28.629 --> 00:42:32.091 And I go, "I wanna take you to the grocery store... 829 00:42:34.134 --> 00:42:36.595 and I want to take you to five of them." 830 00:42:39.014 --> 00:42:41.600 And when I say that she got excited 831 00:42:41.642 --> 00:42:43.394 about what I said, I'm talking-- 832 00:42:43.435 --> 00:42:46.105 Have you ever seen one of those videos on social media 833 00:42:46.146 --> 00:42:49.233 of a soldier's dog seeing that soldier come home 834 00:42:49.275 --> 00:42:52.945 from war? That's how excited she got. 835 00:42:52.987 --> 00:42:55.030 She was like, "Ah, we're going to the grocery store! 836 00:42:55.072 --> 00:42:57.283 Oh, my God! We're going to five of 'em! 837 00:42:57.324 --> 00:42:59.785 Ahh! I'm peeing and I don't care!" 838 00:43:01.412 --> 00:43:03.247 She was so excited. We get to the grocery store. 839 00:43:03.289 --> 00:43:04.665 She's showing me stuff I already know about. 840 00:43:04.707 --> 00:43:07.251 She's like, "Baby carrots. Aah! 841 00:43:09.295 --> 00:43:12.840 Broccolini. [high-pitch squeak] 842 00:43:12.881 --> 00:43:15.884 We got home. We had the best sex of my life. 843 00:43:16.802 --> 00:43:18.512 Yeah. 844 00:43:18.554 --> 00:43:21.473 [cheers and applause] 845 00:43:23.350 --> 00:43:26.103 I said "my life" 'cause I can't speak for her. 846 00:43:27.896 --> 00:43:30.316 I'm pretty sure she's had better. 847 00:43:32.443 --> 00:43:34.403 I'm just being realistic. 848 00:43:37.114 --> 00:43:39.533 So, I call my brother who's been married 849 00:43:39.575 --> 00:43:40.868 for a long time. 850 00:43:40.909 --> 00:43:42.578 And he has a very healthy marriage, 851 00:43:42.620 --> 00:43:44.330 but I was like, "Dude, do you wanna have sex 852 00:43:44.371 --> 00:43:46.165 with your wife tonight?" And he's like, "Oh, yeah. 853 00:43:46.206 --> 00:43:48.751 That's my favorite thing in the world." 854 00:43:48.792 --> 00:43:52.338 I go, "Then take her to the grocery store." 855 00:43:54.882 --> 00:43:58.010 He goes, "Oh, young grasshopper, you have so much to learn." 856 00:43:59.762 --> 00:44:02.431 He goes, "She does not love it when you take her 857 00:44:02.473 --> 00:44:04.975 to the grocery store. 858 00:44:05.017 --> 00:44:07.561 She's training you to go to the grocery store 859 00:44:07.603 --> 00:44:10.648 without her." 860 00:44:10.689 --> 00:44:13.651 [cheers and applause] 861 00:44:17.071 --> 00:44:19.573 That's why she was showing you things to get. 862 00:44:19.615 --> 00:44:23.160 She was like, "Baby carrots. 863 00:44:23.202 --> 00:44:25.162 Broccolinis. 864 00:44:27.373 --> 00:44:29.500 You're gonna be my servant soon." 865 00:44:33.087 --> 00:44:35.214 Have you guys ever smoked the marijuana? 866 00:44:35.255 --> 00:44:38.133 [cheers and applause] 867 00:44:38.175 --> 00:44:40.052 Yeah. 868 00:44:40.094 --> 00:44:41.470 Look at me when I say that. 869 00:44:41.512 --> 00:44:43.055 I look like that teacher that's like, 870 00:44:43.097 --> 00:44:44.848 "I'm not just your teacher... 871 00:44:47.017 --> 00:44:49.645 I'm your friend." 872 00:44:52.022 --> 00:44:54.692 I never, uh--I never really smoked marijuana growing up 873 00:44:54.733 --> 00:44:57.945 'cause my grandma owned a bong shop. 874 00:44:57.986 --> 00:45:00.239 I know, classic grandma. Uh... 875 00:45:00.280 --> 00:45:02.408 [laughter] 876 00:45:02.449 --> 00:45:06.620 My grandma owned a bong shop in Oklahoma City, Oklahoma 877 00:45:06.662 --> 00:45:08.664 and my grandpa was a war veteran 878 00:45:08.706 --> 00:45:12.501 and, so, he was like, "This bitch is gonna get us arrested." 879 00:45:14.420 --> 00:45:18.298 So with every bong he taped a baggie of tobacco 880 00:45:18.340 --> 00:45:20.801 and then put a label maker label that said 881 00:45:20.843 --> 00:45:24.012 "The Tobacco Water Bong" so when the Federal Government 882 00:45:24.054 --> 00:45:25.764 came and raided my grandma's shop 883 00:45:25.806 --> 00:45:28.350 and they took her to court and then the court above that 884 00:45:28.392 --> 00:45:31.186 and regular court...all the way to the Supreme Court-- 885 00:45:31.228 --> 00:45:32.813 You can--This is true. 886 00:45:32.855 --> 00:45:34.732 You can read a   High Times article about it. 887 00:45:34.773 --> 00:45:37.192 [laughter] 888 00:45:37.234 --> 00:45:39.987 My grandma won and my grandma is one of the reasons 889 00:45:40.028 --> 00:45:41.488 why bongs are legal. 890 00:45:41.530 --> 00:45:44.450 -[cheers and applause] -Yeah. So...yeah. 891 00:45:48.245 --> 00:45:51.206 So, my grandma is like the Abraham Lincoln 892 00:45:51.248 --> 00:45:52.708 of bong rips. 893 00:45:52.750 --> 00:45:54.626 [laughter] 894 00:45:54.668 --> 00:45:56.503 But that's why when I was a little kid, 895 00:45:56.545 --> 00:45:58.714 like, my friend's would be like, "Dude, you wanna rip this bong?" 896 00:45:58.756 --> 00:46:01.133 I'd be like, "I don't wanna smell like grandma." 897 00:46:03.260 --> 00:46:07.431 I thought smoking weed was old lady stuff. 898 00:46:07.473 --> 00:46:10.476 I'm like, "Yeah, let's wear a diaper when we drive." 899 00:46:14.730 --> 00:46:16.482 But, so, I'm, like, such a lightweight 900 00:46:16.523 --> 00:46:18.484 when it comes to marijuanas. 901 00:46:18.525 --> 00:46:20.861 [laughter] 902 00:46:20.903 --> 00:46:24.490 I even call it marijuanas. 903 00:46:24.531 --> 00:46:27.785 I moved to California and I get anxiety when I fly, 904 00:46:27.826 --> 00:46:30.120 so my friend, Ari, he was like, "Hey, 905 00:46:30.162 --> 00:46:33.040 eat this gummy bear and then you're gonna go on the airplane. 906 00:46:33.081 --> 00:46:35.584 You're gonna take a nap. You're not gonna feel anxiety." 907 00:46:37.252 --> 00:46:39.421 So I got through airport security 908 00:46:39.463 --> 00:46:42.049 and I ate the gummy bear and then I texted him. 909 00:46:42.090 --> 00:46:44.218 I go, "Dude, I just ate the gummy bear. 910 00:46:44.259 --> 00:46:46.261 I can't wait to get, High   . 911 00:46:46.303 --> 00:46:48.514 [laughter] 912 00:46:48.555 --> 00:46:52.100 He texted me back immediately. "You ate the whole thing?" 913 00:46:52.142 --> 00:46:55.312 [audience groans] 914 00:46:55.354 --> 00:46:57.064 I was like, "Yeah, I ate the whole thing 915 00:46:57.105 --> 00:47:00.192 'cause that was the quantity that you gave me." 916 00:47:00.234 --> 00:47:03.529 What kind of psychopath only eats half a gummy bear? 917 00:47:05.906 --> 00:47:08.075 Have you ever had a friend be like, "Bro, you wanna go 918 00:47:08.116 --> 00:47:11.537 halvsies on this gummy bear with me? 919 00:47:11.578 --> 00:47:13.956 Let's   Lady and the Tramp   it and meet in the middle. 920 00:47:13.997 --> 00:47:15.165 Just... 921 00:47:18.585 --> 00:47:20.128 I wrote, "Why was that bad? 922 00:47:20.170 --> 00:47:22.172 Why is it bad that I ate the entire gummy bear?" 923 00:47:22.214 --> 00:47:24.466 And he goes, "That's a 50mg edible." 924 00:47:24.508 --> 00:47:25.968 [audience gasps, oohs] 925 00:47:26.009 --> 00:47:27.427 Yeah, well, I wish that you were there 926 00:47:27.469 --> 00:47:29.221 to help me at the time. 927 00:47:31.181 --> 00:47:32.975 I had no reference point. 928 00:47:33.016 --> 00:47:36.562 I was like, "My Advil Liqui-Gels are 200 mg... 929 00:47:38.438 --> 00:47:41.316 and sometimes I eat three of those bad boys." 930 00:47:43.360 --> 00:47:46.238 I wrote, "How high am I gonna get?" 931 00:47:46.280 --> 00:47:48.782 He wrote--all caps, "THE MOST." 932 00:47:48.824 --> 00:47:51.743 [laughter] 933 00:47:55.289 --> 00:47:59.501 I wrote, "When? When am I gonna feel high the most?" 934 00:47:59.543 --> 00:48:02.254 He wrote, "About an hour." 935 00:48:02.296 --> 00:48:04.715 Seven minutes later... 936 00:48:04.756 --> 00:48:07.426 [laughter] 937 00:48:07.467 --> 00:48:10.429 I was like, "Ahhh... 938 00:48:10.470 --> 00:48:12.848 ha... 939 00:48:12.890 --> 00:48:16.768 I can feel the atmospheric pressure on my skin." 940 00:48:19.563 --> 00:48:21.481 I was so high. I'm still-- 941 00:48:21.523 --> 00:48:22.858 I haven't even gotten on the plane. 942 00:48:22.900 --> 00:48:25.944 I'm at the gate. 943 00:48:25.986 --> 00:48:27.863 I'm right in front of the ticket counter 944 00:48:27.905 --> 00:48:29.656 and there's that flat-screen TV that says, 945 00:48:29.698 --> 00:48:31.617 "Your flight is boarding in five minutes." 946 00:48:31.658 --> 00:48:33.619 I'm just standing there going, "Come on, four. 947 00:48:33.660 --> 00:48:35.746 Come on, four!" 948 00:48:38.624 --> 00:48:40.584 And you know that judgy ticket deeper lady? 949 00:48:40.626 --> 00:48:42.336 I don't know what her title is, but you know the one 950 00:48:42.377 --> 00:48:44.046 that, like, deeps your ticket when you get on the plane? 951 00:48:44.087 --> 00:48:47.299 She's like, [deep] and then she gives you a bad look? 952 00:48:48.800 --> 00:48:50.802 Like, [deep] "I agree with your parents." 953 00:48:53.013 --> 00:48:56.683 [deep] "I know what you did last summer." 954 00:48:56.725 --> 00:48:58.644 She goes, "Sir, you can't stand there." 955 00:48:58.685 --> 00:49:00.354 I was like, "Where can I stand?" 956 00:49:00.395 --> 00:49:04.274 She's like, "Over there." I was like, "Okay." 957 00:49:04.316 --> 00:49:06.485 Then she makes that pre boarding announcement. 958 00:49:06.526 --> 00:49:09.446 She's like, "If there's any families with small children, 959 00:49:09.488 --> 00:49:13.033 military, war heroes, active duty military, 960 00:49:13.075 --> 00:49:17.663 elderly, line up now." I just line up with them. 961 00:49:17.704 --> 00:49:19.581 She was like, "Sir, you can't be in that line." 962 00:49:19.623 --> 00:49:21.833 I was like, "I am 97 years old!" 963 00:49:28.715 --> 00:49:30.342 I got up to the front of the line. 964 00:49:30.384 --> 00:49:31.760 She deeps my ticket and she goes, "Don't worry, 965 00:49:31.802 --> 00:49:33.762 I'm super high, too." 966 00:49:35.389 --> 00:49:38.350 [cheers and applause] 967 00:49:43.689 --> 00:49:45.023 I get on the airplane. 968 00:49:45.065 --> 00:49:47.109 I'm sitting in the emergency exit row. 969 00:49:47.150 --> 00:49:50.028 Not qualified whatsoever 970 00:49:50.070 --> 00:49:53.365 to assist in the event of an emergency. 971 00:49:53.407 --> 00:49:55.033 They're doing that video. They're like, 972 00:49:55.075 --> 00:49:57.119 "In the event of a water landing, use the slide." 973 00:49:57.160 --> 00:49:59.705 I was like, "There's a slide?! 974 00:50:01.289 --> 00:50:03.625 Let's do the slide right now!" 975 00:50:07.004 --> 00:50:09.631 Like, I was so high I was making noises 976 00:50:09.673 --> 00:50:12.300 'cause it felt cool. 977 00:50:12.342 --> 00:50:14.594 Most people are cool when they get high. 978 00:50:14.636 --> 00:50:18.015 They're like, "Aw." I was like, "Ca ca ca ca ca. 979 00:50:19.182 --> 00:50:21.560 Ca ca ca ca ca ca." 980 00:50:24.980 --> 00:50:26.857 That aggressive flight attendant comes over to me. 981 00:50:26.898 --> 00:50:29.943 She goes, "I need to know if you're willing and able 982 00:50:29.985 --> 00:50:33.780 to assist in the event of an emergency." 983 00:50:33.822 --> 00:50:37.159 I wanted to say yes. I go, "Ca ca ca ca." 984 00:50:37.200 --> 00:50:40.162 [laughter] 985 00:50:41.955 --> 00:50:45.792 She goes, "I need a verbal yes or a no." 986 00:50:45.834 --> 00:50:48.378 Every fiber I tried. Here's what I did. 987 00:50:48.420 --> 00:50:50.422 I go, "Haa!" 988 00:50:53.508 --> 00:50:55.218 She's like, "You nodded your head. 989 00:50:55.260 --> 00:50:59.014 I'll take it." 990 00:50:59.056 --> 00:51:01.641 I turn and I look and I'm sitting next 991 00:51:01.683 --> 00:51:05.020 to the oldest woman I've seen in my life. 992 00:51:05.062 --> 00:51:07.606 Like, I'm not trying to be crude, but when I was high, 993 00:51:07.647 --> 00:51:09.941 I turned--She was between the age of, like, 994 00:51:09.983 --> 00:51:14.821 89 and 147. 995 00:51:14.863 --> 00:51:17.032 I looked at her with my current state of mind 996 00:51:17.074 --> 00:51:20.160 and I was like, "Is she flying to her own funeral?" 997 00:51:20.202 --> 00:51:23.538 [audience laughs, awws] 998 00:51:23.580 --> 00:51:27.417 Like, she must be on this plane like, "Oh, my God I'm flying! 999 00:51:29.711 --> 00:51:32.631 In my life that was not a thing." 1000 00:51:34.508 --> 00:51:36.259 She was just sitting there knitting a sweater. 1001 00:51:36.301 --> 00:51:37.969 Looking at me like, "I've seen a lot of things 1002 00:51:38.011 --> 00:51:40.847 in my life... 1003 00:51:40.889 --> 00:51:43.308 but I have never seen one of those." 1004 00:51:44.935 --> 00:51:47.145 'Cause when I get high, I get more Wisconsin. 1005 00:51:47.187 --> 00:51:50.273 I was cupping my face going, "Don't look at that sweater. 1006 00:51:52.109 --> 00:51:53.652 Would you want somebody looking at your sw-- 1007 00:51:53.693 --> 00:51:57.030 work before you're done? No, you wouldn't. 1008 00:51:57.072 --> 00:52:00.617 That is rude business, mister. 1009 00:52:00.659 --> 00:52:02.494 Ca ca ca ca." 1010 00:52:09.876 --> 00:52:12.087 Half an hour later I realized she was just trying 1011 00:52:12.129 --> 00:52:14.381 to untangle her headphones. 1012 00:52:14.422 --> 00:52:17.342 [laughter] 1013 00:52:22.973 --> 00:52:25.267 So, don't do drugs, kids. 1014 00:52:25.308 --> 00:52:28.270 [laughter] 1015 00:52:28.311 --> 00:52:31.231 -[cheers and applause] -Ah, thank you. 1016 00:52:37.445 --> 00:52:39.322 Oh, let's talk about sex before we go. 1017 00:52:39.364 --> 00:52:41.575 -Have you guys ever--Yeah. -[woman cheers] 1018 00:52:41.616 --> 00:52:44.161 Oh, yeah, she's done it. Oh, yeah. 1019 00:52:44.202 --> 00:52:46.830 [laughter] 1020 00:52:46.872 --> 00:52:49.583 I know it's weird for me to talk about sex, you know? 1021 00:52:49.624 --> 00:52:51.835 But, oh, no, I smash. 1022 00:52:54.421 --> 00:52:57.549 I'm all about respecting women and smashing. 1023 00:52:57.591 --> 00:53:00.510 [woman cheers] 1024 00:53:00.552 --> 00:53:02.137 Sometimes I'm in bed with my girlfriend I'm like, 1025 00:53:02.179 --> 00:53:04.431 "Yeah, do you like that? Kay, just checking." 1026 00:53:04.472 --> 00:53:08.393 [laughter] 1027 00:53:08.435 --> 00:53:10.020 I'm like, "I'm gonna get you pregnant 1028 00:53:10.061 --> 00:53:12.731 and then, you know, just, like, be there for you." 1029 00:53:23.074 --> 00:53:24.701 When my girlfriend and I first got together, 1030 00:53:24.743 --> 00:53:26.286 she was like, "What are you into? 1031 00:53:26.328 --> 00:53:29.873 Like, in the bedroom?" And I was like, "Consent!" 1032 00:53:32.417 --> 00:53:34.461 Oh. 1033 00:53:34.502 --> 00:53:38.173 I have a huge consent fetish. 1034 00:53:38.215 --> 00:53:40.759 I love consent so much I don't even use those 1035 00:53:40.800 --> 00:53:43.887 credit card chip readers until it tells me that I can. 1036 00:53:46.431 --> 00:53:48.183 Have you ever tried to put your card in too early? 1037 00:53:48.225 --> 00:53:49.809 It's like, "Quack quack quack." 1038 00:53:49.851 --> 00:53:51.603 I'm like, "Whoa, I'm not a bad guy, all right? 1039 00:53:53.104 --> 00:53:56.900 I respect you." 1040 00:53:56.942 --> 00:53:58.652 But every single time I'm just standing there all hesitant. 1041 00:53:58.693 --> 00:54:00.737 The cashier's like, "What are you doing?" 1042 00:54:00.779 --> 00:54:02.906 I'm like, "I'm waiting for you to tell me I can put it in." 1043 00:54:07.118 --> 00:54:10.664 Every single time the cashier's like, "Ugh, let me do it." 1044 00:54:10.705 --> 00:54:13.625 [laughter] 1045 00:54:17.587 --> 00:54:21.258 I'm like, "I could've done it. 1046 00:54:21.299 --> 00:54:23.301 I know where it goes." 1047 00:54:25.512 --> 00:54:27.597 I do. 1048 00:54:30.809 --> 00:54:33.311 But if you think about it, sex is, like, the weirdest 1049 00:54:33.353 --> 00:54:36.606 activity we do as human beings, right? 1050 00:54:36.648 --> 00:54:38.275 'Cause it's the only activity we do where 1051 00:54:38.316 --> 00:54:40.527 we're making something and at the same time, 1052 00:54:40.568 --> 00:54:42.696 we're trying super hard not to make. 1053 00:54:45.365 --> 00:54:47.951 That's insane behavior. That's like mixing up a bunch 1054 00:54:47.993 --> 00:54:51.204 of flour and sugar and milk and eggs up in a pan 1055 00:54:51.246 --> 00:54:53.665 and then putting it in the oven and then 45 minutes later 1056 00:54:53.707 --> 00:54:56.293 being like, "Oh, thank God there's not a cake. 1057 00:54:56.334 --> 00:54:58.586 [breathes heavily] 1058 00:54:58.628 --> 00:55:01.673 [cheers and applause] 1059 00:55:11.224 --> 00:55:12.600 I-I don't know what we would've done 1060 00:55:12.642 --> 00:55:15.520 if there was a cake in there. 1061 00:55:15.562 --> 00:55:17.731 That cake would've changed everything." 1062 00:55:19.399 --> 00:55:20.692 If there was a cake in there, you'd be like, 1063 00:55:20.734 --> 00:55:22.319 "That's not my cake. 1064 00:55:22.360 --> 00:55:24.362 [laughter] 1065 00:55:24.404 --> 00:55:27.949 Cake doesn't even look like me. 1066 00:55:27.991 --> 00:55:30.368 That looks like it's Steve's cake." 1067 00:55:40.045 --> 00:55:43.006 I, uh, I go on tour a lot. 1068 00:55:43.048 --> 00:55:45.216 You know, 'cause I'm-- I'm hilarious. 1069 00:55:47.385 --> 00:55:49.095 And I'm faithful to my girlfriend 1070 00:55:49.137 --> 00:55:50.889 when I go on the road. So she sent me 1071 00:55:50.930 --> 00:55:54.351 an adult Internet video the other day. 1072 00:55:54.392 --> 00:55:56.269 -[woman whoos] -Yeah, whoa. 1073 00:55:56.311 --> 00:55:58.563 Yeah, I don't know if you guys have ever seen 1074 00:55:58.605 --> 00:56:02.359 an adult Internet video, 1075 00:56:02.400 --> 00:56:06.279 but if you have never seen an adult Internet video, 1076 00:56:06.321 --> 00:56:08.782 let me tell you, wow, wow, wow. 1077 00:56:08.823 --> 00:56:10.867 [laughter] 1078 00:56:10.909 --> 00:56:13.870 Holy cow wow. 1079 00:56:13.912 --> 00:56:16.706 I watched this entire movie all the way from start to finish 1080 00:56:16.748 --> 00:56:18.208 'cause I wanted to see if this couple 1081 00:56:18.249 --> 00:56:20.043 had the baby... 1082 00:56:20.085 --> 00:56:23.129 [laughter] 1083 00:56:23.171 --> 00:56:26.257 'cause they were just trying and trying and trying. 1084 00:56:29.469 --> 00:56:31.930 All they wanted in the world was a family. 1085 00:56:33.640 --> 00:56:35.225 They were doing everything they could. 1086 00:56:35.266 --> 00:56:36.518 They were trying out by the pool. 1087 00:56:36.559 --> 00:56:38.686 They were trying in the living room. 1088 00:56:38.728 --> 00:56:41.106 At one point they even brought the neighbor over 1089 00:56:41.147 --> 00:56:42.941 just to help out. 1090 00:56:45.276 --> 00:56:46.653 And I'm not trying to ruin the ending 1091 00:56:46.694 --> 00:56:48.154 in case you guys are gonna watch this film, 1092 00:56:48.196 --> 00:56:50.407 but, holy cow, they are gonna have to adopt. 1093 00:56:50.448 --> 00:56:51.783 [chuckles] 1094 00:56:53.868 --> 00:56:56.454 'Cause this guy did the most important part 1095 00:56:56.496 --> 00:56:59.791 way wrong. 1096 00:56:59.833 --> 00:57:01.084 I was like, "No! Not like that. 1097 00:57:01.126 --> 00:57:03.128 You're never gonna be a dad. 1098 00:57:06.172 --> 00:57:08.967 Babies don't come from foreheads. 1099 00:57:09.008 --> 00:57:11.970 [audience laughs, groans] 1100 00:57:13.138 --> 00:57:16.099 [cheers and applause] 1101 00:57:17.684 --> 00:57:20.270 And that's the neighbor's forehead." 1102 00:57:20.311 --> 00:57:21.771 [laughter] 1103 00:57:21.813 --> 00:57:23.356 All right, you guys, I'm Pete Lee. 1104 00:57:23.398 --> 00:57:24.816 Thanks for being a great crowd. Thank you very much. 1105 00:57:24.858 --> 00:57:27.819 [cheers and applause] 1106 00:57:34.868 --> 00:57:37.829 [cheers and applause continues] 1107 00:57:46.754 --> 00:57:48.506 [man] Yippee! 1108 00:58:15.325 --> 00:58:18.286 [microphone droans] 1109 00:58:18.328 --> 00:58:21.289 [bright tone]