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Downloaded from
YTS.MX

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Official YIFY movies site:
YTS.MX

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[hip-hop music playing]

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[audience cheering and applauding]

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-[music stops]
-All right!

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[cheering and applauding continue]

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Wow. So nice!

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Oh, wow. Gosh, that's way...
Come on, now. Please. That is...

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-That is so nice. Keep going forever.
-[laughs]

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Look at this. Here we are.
London Palladium. My gosh.

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[cheering]

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Thank you so much for coming out.
Oh, my days.

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Oh. Let me put this away.

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The biggest stage in the world
so I'll be back in about half an hour.

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Guys, thank you so much
for coming out tonight.

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I really appreciate it. Here we are.

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It's taken a few more months longer
than expected, but here we are.

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Look at this, a sold-out,
reduced capacity, London Palladium!

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-[laughing and cheering]
-Oh, my gosh.

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Oh, man.

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Thank you so much for coming.

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So we were meant to film this last year.
We were meant to film this in May of 2020.

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But something came up.

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We had to push it back.
But we made it. Here we are.

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We're finally doing it. I can't wait to do
the show. I hope it is all still relevant.

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This show is about Brexit
and how much I want to meet Prince Philip.

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Let's go! Let's do it!

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Should be good, should be fun.

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[applause]

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I'm Phil Wang, in case you didn't know.

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Here I am.
Old Philly Philly Wang Wang. Here at last.

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Old Philly Philly Wang Wang
at the London Phalladium.

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So good to be here. Phil Wang.
Uh, I'm a mixed race fella.

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As the name "Phil Wang" might suggest.

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At some point here,
a cultural compromise was made.

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Yes, well, my father is
a Chinese Malaysian, hence the "Wang."

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And the rest of my body.

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My father is Chinese Malaysian,
uh, but my mother is, uh, normal.

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So, yeah,
got some sour cream in that chili.

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[laughs]

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Didn't want you to burn your tongue
on that hot Wang,

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so Mama brought the milk.

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White and Chinese, those are my races.
White and Chinese. Phil and Wang.

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White and Chinese.

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I'm the most powerful race on Earth!

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I got the big ones, baby!

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Smoosh them together.
I'm white and Chinese.

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People have tried to tell me
that I'm a minority.

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[laughs]

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I'm like,

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"I'm both majorities, bitch.
I'm white and Chinese."

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[laughing and applauding]

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You can't touch me. I'm Pepsi and Coke.

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I'm like a full market share.

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They sell Wang everywhere.
I'm white and Chinese. I'm everywhere.

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You can't run from me.
I'm around every corner.

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Hello. Ni hao.

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I'm Alien and Predator.

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I'm white and Chinese. I'm future-proof.

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Completely future-proof.

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No matter what happens over
the next 50 years, Wang, or Phil, is fine.

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[laughs]

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Probably Wang, though.

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[laughs]

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The way things are going.

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It's weird looking like me at the moment.

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In the wake of the COVID pandemic,
it's weird looking like me.

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Uh, Chinese, not muscular.

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It's weird looking Chinese at the moment.

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This whole pandemic, it's been bad
for the brand, to say the least.

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Honestly, the last thing we needed,
especially in the UK.

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The last thing
East Asian Chinese Brits needed.

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East Asian Brits, East Asians in Britain,
very low profile in the UK.

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So low, in fact, that we don't
even have the word "Asian" here.

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Most places in the world, we at least
have the word "Asian." Not in the UK.

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In the UK, the word "Asian,"
usually refers to South Asian, right?

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Indian, Pakistani,
Sri Lankan, Bangladeshi.

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Which is fine.

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But there's this whole other half of Asia
they're missing out on.

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A whole other, I would say, bigger half.

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[laughs]

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There's a whole other half of Asia
missing out there.

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There's two types of Asian in the world.

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There's more,
but I don't have that much time.

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Fundamentally, there are two
main categories of Asian in the world.

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There's Cricket Asian.

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[laughs]

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By the sounds of it,
you already know who those guys are.

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You've never heard "Cricket Asian"
in your life

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and instantly you knew
who I was talking about.

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So there's Cricket Asian,

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and then there's Eats-Weird-Shit Asian.

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[laughs]

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Now, I am a member
of Eats-Weird-Shit Asian.

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I'm a proud Eats-Weird-Shit Asian.

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I eats that weird shit.

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But it's kind of awkward being
an Eats-Weird-Shit Asian at the moment

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'cause that's how this whole catastrophe
started in the first place.

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[laughs]

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One of us
ate one piece of weird shit too far.

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After centuries
of living on the wild side,

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we pushed our luck and it finally snapped

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on the wings of a bat.

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It's awful. Why now?
It's always been fine up till now.

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I ate weird shit as a kid.
Nothing like this ever happened.

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Growing up in Malaysia,
I was eating weird shit.

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Loved it. Loved eating weird shit.

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I would eat, like,
uh, squid jerky. [growls]

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I was eating little wriggly sea snails,
straight out of the shell. Mmm.

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I was eating jellyfish.

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I was eating pig intestine soup.

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Uh, we'd eat the whole fish for dinner.
Whole fish.

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My little sister would go,
"Shotgun, the eyes!"

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Me and my other sister
would be like, "Naw!"

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It's just a different culture out there.
In the West, people are a little squeamish

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about the more extreme ends
of the culinary spectrum.

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Out in the East, there's a
sense of delicacy to the strange.

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Nowhere more so than China. China itself.

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I got to see this firsthand
in China recently.

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Went there for the first time.
China. The big C. Asia Classic.

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[laughs]

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Chinatown Plus. China.

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At the start of 2020,
I got to go to China.

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Unrelated, it wasn't me.

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[audience laughs]

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Awkward timing, in retrospect,
but it wasn't me.

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I got to go to China for a job,

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and while I was out there,
I got to go to a food market.

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Not sounding good, I'll give you that.

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I got to go to a food market
out there in China.

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And they were selling
all sorts of Chinese snacks.

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There's stalls selling noodles,
some selling buns, blah, blah, blah.

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But there was one stall that was
dedicated to weird pieces of shit.

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Critters, essentially. Deep-fried,
roasted critters. Bugs. Locusts.

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There was a lizard, on a stick,
just dried like:

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Crucified lizard, like this.

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People would walk past and go,
"Oh, I'll have the Jesus lizard, please."

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Uh, "One Passion of the Lizard,
thank you."

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[laughs]

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There were snakes curled up like sausages
with a spike through them.

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I partook, sure!

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I ate a full tarantula on a stick.
Like that.

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Tried to do it in two halves,
surprisingly tough, tarantula.

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So I had to just down it in one.
Like a legend.

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[laughs]

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I ate a centipede.

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Good thing about a centipede,
plenty of drumsticks for everyone.

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[laughs]

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I ate a couple of roasted cockroaches.
But they're resilient, cockroaches.

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Crawled out of my butt.

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They're gonna inherit the world.

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It's just a cultural thing.
A cultural difference.

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Like, in the West,
you know that nursery rhyme,

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I know an old lady who swallowed a fly

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I don't know why she swallowed a fly
Perhaps she'll die

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It's a banger.

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[laughs]

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And in this nursery rhyme, this old lady
goes on to eat increasingly large animals

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to catch the previous animal she ingested,
which she now regrets having inside her.

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First she swallows a fly, by accident.

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Then she swallows a spider...
I know what that's like.

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...to catch the fly.

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Then she swallows a bird to catch
the spider, then a cat to catch the bird,

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then a dog to catch the cat,
then a horse to catch the dog.

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Now, in the West,
this nursery rhyme is a cautionary tale...

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[laughs]

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about how sometimes the solution
can be worse than the problem.

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In China, this is
a Michelin star tasting menu...

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[laughs]

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with an admittedly heavy dessert,

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horse!

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-[laughs]
-Oof.

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"We'll just have the one.
Two spoons, thank you."

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It's just a cultural difference.

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But no reason we should get
that there racism because of it.

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That there COVID racism? I don't want
that there COVID racism, no thank you.

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I'm terrified of that there COVID racism.
I don't want to get that on me. Terrified.

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Even at home alone, "Oh!"
I hear a noise, I'm like, "Racism?"

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"Did I leave a window open?
Did racism get in?"

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Just me and my devices at home, alone--
Even my devices I don't trust.

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My devices are racist now.
My phone especially.

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I think my phone is definitely racist.
I was on my phone the other day,

183
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and I typed the word, uh, "Nazis"
into my phone, right?

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You don't need to know why.

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00:11:35,480 --> 00:11:37,680
[laughs]

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I typed the word "Nazis" into my phone.

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All lowercase, right,
n-a-z-i-s, all lowercase.

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I was in a hurry.

189
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You know what sexting's like.

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[laughs]

191
00:11:51,640 --> 00:11:52,760
You gotta be quick.

192
00:11:53,880 --> 00:11:55,920
The vibe's not gonna last forever.

193
00:11:58,200 --> 00:12:00,760
So I typed into my phone,
n-a-z-i-s, all lowercase.

194
00:12:00,840 --> 00:12:04,400
And then instantly,
my phone autocorrected it

195
00:12:04,480 --> 00:12:08,520
to replace the "n"
at the beginning with a capital "N"

196
00:12:09,200 --> 00:12:10,520
as if to say,

197
00:12:11,320 --> 00:12:12,160
"Oi!

198
00:12:13,680 --> 00:12:15,360
Show some goddamn respect.

199
00:12:15,440 --> 00:12:18,280
[laughs]

200
00:12:18,960 --> 00:12:21,480
Those are Nazis you're talking about...

201
00:12:23,520 --> 00:12:24,920
Phil Wand."

202
00:12:25,000 --> 00:12:27,280
[laughs]

203
00:12:29,400 --> 00:12:32,560
I got a far-right phone that thinks
I'm a creepy magician. Terrible.

204
00:12:35,480 --> 00:12:39,280
Scary times. Not the scariest times
we've lived through.

205
00:12:39,360 --> 00:12:42,120
Not really the most dangerous times
we've lived through.

206
00:12:42,200 --> 00:12:45,160
But it's the abstract nature
of this new danger

207
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that has driven us insane.
It's so abstract. It's an invisible virus.

208
00:12:49,440 --> 00:12:52,040
So abstract, some of us
don't even believe it's real.

209
00:12:52,120 --> 00:12:56,560
Threat and danger have become more
abstract as the 21st century's progressed.

210
00:12:56,640 --> 00:12:59,080
With it, we've been becoming more insane.

211
00:12:59,920 --> 00:13:01,280
At the start of this century,

212
00:13:01,360 --> 00:13:05,440
threat and danger were very real,
physical, tangible things, you know?

213
00:13:05,520 --> 00:13:08,360
After 9/11, War on Terror,
back then, the threat,

214
00:13:08,440 --> 00:13:12,520
the thing that we were all told
to look out for was just a guy,

215
00:13:13,480 --> 00:13:14,960
covered in bombs...

216
00:13:18,040 --> 00:13:19,320
who would come in and go:

217
00:13:19,400 --> 00:13:21,520
[yells]

218
00:13:21,600 --> 00:13:23,800
"I'm covered in bombs, everyone!

219
00:13:24,440 --> 00:13:27,280
I'm covered in bombs
and I love it, to be frank!"

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00:13:27,360 --> 00:13:29,800
[laughs]

221
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We'd see him and go,
"Okay, I'll stay away from that guy."

222
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Problem solved.

223
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Clear, tangible threat.

224
00:13:39,560 --> 00:13:41,960
Then threats started getting abstract.

225
00:13:42,040 --> 00:13:46,080
The next thing we were all told
to look for was unattended packages.

226
00:13:46,920 --> 00:13:48,640
Remember unattended packages?

227
00:13:49,160 --> 00:13:51,560
I long for the day
of the unattended package.

228
00:13:52,760 --> 00:13:55,840
We were obsessed with
unattended packages for a while.

229
00:13:55,920 --> 00:13:58,920
Mid-noughties, golden age
of the unattended package.

230
00:13:59,760 --> 00:14:01,480
All we cared about back then,

231
00:14:01,560 --> 00:14:04,600
unattended packages
and Malcolm in the Middle.

232
00:14:06,720 --> 00:14:09,360
Now there were just packages out there.

233
00:14:09,440 --> 00:14:11,440
There wasn't even a guy involved.

234
00:14:11,520 --> 00:14:13,840
Now there were just packages out there,

235
00:14:13,920 --> 00:14:18,840
and it was down to us
to assess each one's level of attendance.

236
00:14:18,920 --> 00:14:21,040
[laughs]

237
00:14:21,120 --> 00:14:23,600
Responsibility had shifted
onto the public.

238
00:14:24,360 --> 00:14:26,560
We all still had our lives to live,

239
00:14:26,640 --> 00:14:29,960
but now we'd been burdened
with a new unpaid second job

240
00:14:31,040 --> 00:14:33,000
of being bag spotters!

241
00:14:33,800 --> 00:14:36,280
We'd try our best, but it was terrifying.

242
00:14:36,360 --> 00:14:39,000
We'd go out,
living our mid-noughties lives,

243
00:14:39,080 --> 00:14:41,360
down the library or the cyber cafe...

244
00:14:41,440 --> 00:14:43,720
[laughs]

245
00:14:44,600 --> 00:14:48,080
and from time to time, we'd see
a backpack just lying on the ground.

246
00:14:48,160 --> 00:14:49,280
And we'd freak out!

247
00:14:49,840 --> 00:14:51,440
We'd go, [yells]

248
00:14:51,520 --> 00:14:52,960
"It's a package!"

249
00:14:53,800 --> 00:14:55,240
"And it's unattended!"

250
00:14:55,320 --> 00:14:57,320
"Quick! Someone attend it!"

251
00:14:57,880 --> 00:15:00,120
Then someone would run over, [panting]

252
00:15:00,200 --> 00:15:03,840
-we'd be like, "Phew. That was close."
-[laughs]

253
00:15:04,720 --> 00:15:07,880
But then threat got more abstract still.

254
00:15:07,960 --> 00:15:10,800
Then with the Internet,
as life moved online,

255
00:15:10,880 --> 00:15:16,600
the thing we were told to look out for
were bots and hackers and Russians.

256
00:15:18,240 --> 00:15:22,760
Then we found out none of them could
tick a box that says "I'm not a robot."

257
00:15:23,920 --> 00:15:25,640
That seemed to solve the problem.

258
00:15:25,720 --> 00:15:27,880
[laughs]

259
00:15:27,960 --> 00:15:29,800
Now with the coronavirus,

260
00:15:29,880 --> 00:15:33,080
threat is the most abstract
it's ever been. Now threat is like

261
00:15:33,640 --> 00:15:35,000
a surface.

262
00:15:35,400 --> 00:15:38,000
[laughs]

263
00:15:38,080 --> 00:15:40,560
"Be careful of a surface, everyone."

264
00:15:41,960 --> 00:15:45,360
"No, you should be fine, as long
as you steer clear of them surfaces.

265
00:15:45,960 --> 00:15:47,120
They'll get you."

266
00:15:48,440 --> 00:15:52,040
Awful to find out, home alone,
watching the news. "Oh, shit, surfaces!"

267
00:15:52,120 --> 00:15:55,440
I did a quick scan of my flat.
Fucking surfaces everywhere!

268
00:15:56,720 --> 00:15:58,560
Death trap, that place!

269
00:15:59,960 --> 00:16:01,920
Didn't realize I was living in Saw III.

270
00:16:05,360 --> 00:16:06,720
Even now I'm terrified.

271
00:16:06,800 --> 00:16:09,920
My friends are like, "Wanna come over,
have dinner in the garden?"

272
00:16:10,000 --> 00:16:12,760
I'm like, "Uh, maybe.
Could you check quickly...

273
00:16:12,840 --> 00:16:15,080
Do you have any surfaces over there?

274
00:16:15,240 --> 00:16:17,160
[laughs]

275
00:16:17,240 --> 00:16:20,440
What are we having dinner on?
A table? Are you trying to kill me?

276
00:16:22,120 --> 00:16:24,120
You're out of the bubble, buddy."

277
00:16:24,200 --> 00:16:26,200
[laughs]

278
00:16:28,560 --> 00:16:29,760
Scary times, man.

279
00:16:30,360 --> 00:16:31,800
I'm getting more scared.

280
00:16:31,880 --> 00:16:35,000
Getting older.
Maybe you get more fearful as you age.

281
00:16:35,080 --> 00:16:38,040
Getting older.
That's scary itself, getting older.

282
00:16:38,120 --> 00:16:42,320
Holy shit, I thought I'd at least
have this year off. No. Older again.

283
00:16:42,400 --> 00:16:44,240
So fucking old now, man.

284
00:16:45,320 --> 00:16:47,000
I became so old this year.

285
00:16:47,080 --> 00:16:49,800
Don't know about you guys,
but I became older recently.

286
00:16:50,560 --> 00:16:53,160
Became so old this year.
Broke my personal record, actually.

287
00:16:55,040 --> 00:16:57,680
Became so old. I turned 31 this year.

288
00:16:57,760 --> 00:16:58,840
-Bleh!
-[jeers]

289
00:16:58,920 --> 00:17:02,240
I know. Disgusting. Yes, you're right.
I'm gonna be sick. Bleh!

290
00:17:02,320 --> 00:17:03,600
So old. Thirty-freaking-one.

291
00:17:03,680 --> 00:17:06,440
I went into lockdown 19 years old.
Now I'm 31. Terrible.

292
00:17:06,520 --> 00:17:08,520
[laughs]

293
00:17:09,560 --> 00:17:10,920
Awful. So fucking old.

294
00:17:11,000 --> 00:17:13,720
Thirty-one.
This shit's nearly over, folks.

295
00:17:13,800 --> 00:17:15,720
This is my farewell special, by the way.

296
00:17:15,800 --> 00:17:19,000
Oh, my God.
Knockin' on hell's door over here.

297
00:17:19,079 --> 00:17:21,200
I'm 31. I'm so old.

298
00:17:21,800 --> 00:17:23,400
Uh, this may annoy some people.

299
00:17:25,280 --> 00:17:27,119
[laughs]

300
00:17:27,839 --> 00:17:30,599
I come onstage and I say,
"I'm 31, I'm so old."

301
00:17:30,680 --> 00:17:35,040
There's always a couple of people
in the crowd, like, "Oh, 31's not old.

302
00:17:35,120 --> 00:17:38,360
Oh, shut up, 31's nothing.

303
00:17:38,440 --> 00:17:39,880
You're a baby.

304
00:17:39,960 --> 00:17:42,600
Turning 31. Pfft. Give me a break!"

305
00:17:44,280 --> 00:17:46,840
But they're always
really fucking old, so...

306
00:17:46,920 --> 00:17:48,720
[laughs]

307
00:17:51,120 --> 00:17:52,560
Doesn't make me feel better.

308
00:17:52,640 --> 00:17:54,880
[applause]

309
00:17:54,960 --> 00:17:57,280
They're like 43 and shit. I don't care.

310
00:17:57,360 --> 00:17:59,560
[laughs]

311
00:17:59,640 --> 00:18:03,880
Forgive me if I take no comfort
from the jealous face of death itself.

312
00:18:08,520 --> 00:18:11,640
Mr. Magoo and Maggie Smith
think I'm a spring chicken.

313
00:18:11,720 --> 00:18:13,080
-Oh, great.
-[laughs]

314
00:18:15,120 --> 00:18:18,000
I know 31's not, like, "old" old.

315
00:18:18,080 --> 00:18:20,560
But it's not "young" young anymore either.

316
00:18:21,360 --> 00:18:24,840
It doesn't fizz
with the excitement of the twenties.

317
00:18:24,920 --> 00:18:27,960
Thirty-one's a pretty serious age.
One of the first serious ages.

318
00:18:28,040 --> 00:18:31,800
Life starts to ossify at 31.
Shit starts to get serious.

319
00:18:31,880 --> 00:18:34,600
People start committing
to things long-term.

320
00:18:34,680 --> 00:18:37,640
I've got to that age now where
all my friends have started having,

321
00:18:37,720 --> 00:18:39,280
uh, podcasts.

322
00:18:39,360 --> 00:18:41,720
[laughs]

323
00:18:43,320 --> 00:18:46,480
So I had to have one too,
to keep up with the crowd.

324
00:18:46,560 --> 00:18:47,920
But I wasn't ready.

325
00:18:51,760 --> 00:18:55,640
My body's falling apart.
Body's giving up the fucking ghost, man.

326
00:18:56,240 --> 00:18:59,000
Crumbling into a disgusting paste,
this body.

327
00:18:59,880 --> 00:19:02,280
Awful. Gets worse and worse every day.

328
00:19:02,360 --> 00:19:04,920
Every morning I wake up
to a new leak on this ship.

329
00:19:06,440 --> 00:19:09,960
It doesn't even make sense anymore,
the shit that goes wrong with my body.

330
00:19:10,040 --> 00:19:11,360
It used to make sense.

331
00:19:11,440 --> 00:19:14,160
Back in the day, I'd stub my toe,
then my toe would hurt.

332
00:19:14,640 --> 00:19:17,560
-It was a clear line of cause and effect.
-[laughs]

333
00:19:18,440 --> 00:19:20,880
Now, my body skips the first step.

334
00:19:20,960 --> 00:19:22,640
Just straight to pain, unexplained.

335
00:19:24,040 --> 00:19:25,320
I just go, "Oh, why?"

336
00:19:25,400 --> 00:19:27,320
And my body's like,
"Fuck you, that's why."

337
00:19:27,400 --> 00:19:29,600
[laughs]

338
00:19:30,400 --> 00:19:33,240
It's improvising now, my body.
It's gone full jazz.

339
00:19:35,680 --> 00:19:38,680
Doesn't have to make sense at all.
Like, the other day I woke up,

340
00:19:38,760 --> 00:19:40,400
and one of my balls hurt.

341
00:19:42,680 --> 00:19:46,480
It just hurt. I didn't do anything to it.
I didn't deserve that.

342
00:19:47,440 --> 00:19:49,320
I didn't go to bed the night before like:

343
00:19:49,400 --> 00:19:51,920
[sighs, then grunts]

344
00:19:52,000 --> 00:19:52,960
Now I'm relaxed.

345
00:19:53,560 --> 00:19:55,000
I didn't do that.

346
00:19:57,040 --> 00:20:00,280
But still,
just one painful ball in the morning.

347
00:20:00,840 --> 00:20:04,440
Just exhausted
by a long night's sleep, I guess.

348
00:20:04,520 --> 00:20:06,520
[laughs]

349
00:20:06,960 --> 00:20:09,600
That's where I'm at now. Tired by rest.

350
00:20:12,360 --> 00:20:15,440
I've got a bad back.
Thirty-one, back's a-crackin'.

351
00:20:17,000 --> 00:20:18,720
My memory's not what it used to be.

352
00:20:20,240 --> 00:20:22,840
Or maybe it is. I have no way of knowing.

353
00:20:22,920 --> 00:20:25,160
[laughs]

354
00:20:26,160 --> 00:20:28,160
Maybe it's the same and I forgot.

355
00:20:32,440 --> 00:20:36,200
My farts are disgusting now.
My farts are so bad.

356
00:20:36,280 --> 00:20:39,480
I thought my farts were bad before.
Pfft. Ha!

357
00:20:40,880 --> 00:20:42,800
If only young Wang knew...

358
00:20:43,880 --> 00:20:46,560
♪ What fragrant days he lived in ♪

359
00:20:47,600 --> 00:20:50,000
♪ I should have savored them
While I had the chance ♪

360
00:20:50,080 --> 00:20:51,080
Ah!

361
00:20:53,080 --> 00:20:55,120
Now my farts are revolting.

362
00:20:55,200 --> 00:20:57,200
[laughs]

363
00:20:58,880 --> 00:21:02,440
Absolutely disgusting, my farts now.
They're quieter now, I'll give them that.

364
00:21:03,440 --> 00:21:06,160
My farts are quieter now.
But they're worse.

365
00:21:06,800 --> 00:21:07,920
For you.

366
00:21:08,160 --> 00:21:09,840
[laughs]

367
00:21:10,360 --> 00:21:13,560
My young farts were loud and ostentatious.

368
00:21:14,120 --> 00:21:16,160
But, ultimately, kind on the nose.

369
00:21:17,600 --> 00:21:20,520
They weren't interested in hurting anyone,
my young farts.

370
00:21:20,600 --> 00:21:24,120
They were in it for the show, really,
my young farts.

371
00:21:24,200 --> 00:21:26,800
They were like fireworks, my young farts.

372
00:21:26,880 --> 00:21:28,880
[mimics fireworks]

373
00:21:33,200 --> 00:21:36,360
Then Chinese people would come. "Yeah.

374
00:21:36,440 --> 00:21:38,360
[laughs]

375
00:21:38,440 --> 00:21:39,600
Good luck.

376
00:21:41,600 --> 00:21:43,560
Good luck for the coming year."

377
00:21:43,640 --> 00:21:45,840
[laughs]

378
00:21:47,120 --> 00:21:51,240
Now my farts are like the silent leaking
of an abandoned chemical factory.

379
00:21:51,320 --> 00:21:54,560
-Just slowly poisoning the groundwater.
-[laughs]

380
00:21:55,480 --> 00:21:57,920
Killing the local dogs. It's terrible.

381
00:21:58,560 --> 00:22:01,360
Terrible, my farts are.
They're absolutely disgusting, so bad.

382
00:22:01,440 --> 00:22:03,520
Have you ever done a fart so bad

383
00:22:04,480 --> 00:22:07,440
that you, uh, lost a bar of Wi-Fi?

384
00:22:07,520 --> 00:22:10,320
-[laughs]
-I swear the other day...

385
00:22:11,760 --> 00:22:13,760
Swear to God,
I was at home and I let one rip

386
00:22:13,840 --> 00:22:16,600
and [blows raspberry]
Netflix got blurry for a bit.

387
00:22:16,680 --> 00:22:19,920
You know when it's like,
it gets the squares. "Come on!"

388
00:22:20,000 --> 00:22:22,000
[laughs]

389
00:22:24,640 --> 00:22:27,240
Body's changing, I guess. Body's changing.

390
00:22:27,320 --> 00:22:31,680
Thirty-one, my body's changing.
My mind's changing. My soul's changing.

391
00:22:32,520 --> 00:22:35,560
My personality's changed a lot.
My opinions.

392
00:22:35,640 --> 00:22:39,640
My political persuasion's changed.
So much from a couple years ago.

393
00:22:39,720 --> 00:22:43,160
I used to think I was a Socialist.
That was me. Just a couple of years ago.

394
00:22:43,240 --> 00:22:45,720
Little Philly Philly Wang Wang
with his red cap on.

395
00:22:45,800 --> 00:22:50,200
-[laughs]
-"Mm! I'm a Socialist. Boo-boo-boo.

396
00:22:50,280 --> 00:22:53,000
A little bit for everyone.
It only seems fair.

397
00:22:53,080 --> 00:22:55,600
-[laughs]
-Boo-boo-boo.

398
00:22:55,680 --> 00:22:57,440
Nationalize the sea.

399
00:22:57,520 --> 00:22:58,800
Oh, I'm a Socialist."

400
00:22:58,880 --> 00:23:01,040
[laughs]

401
00:23:01,120 --> 00:23:03,040
But looking back now, I realize

402
00:23:03,120 --> 00:23:05,360
I just didn't have money.

403
00:23:05,440 --> 00:23:07,320
[laughs]

404
00:23:07,920 --> 00:23:10,920
I have money now.
I'm not sharing that shit! That's mine!

405
00:23:13,040 --> 00:23:15,240
Back off, you dirty Commies!

406
00:23:15,320 --> 00:23:17,400
[laughs]

407
00:23:18,120 --> 00:23:19,840
Wang made that pound.

408
00:23:19,920 --> 00:23:22,240
[laughs]

409
00:23:23,840 --> 00:23:27,240
Turns out capitalism's okay
when you got, uh, capital.

410
00:23:27,320 --> 00:23:29,920
[laughs]

411
00:23:30,000 --> 00:23:32,200
The clue was in the name the whole time.

412
00:23:35,080 --> 00:23:36,720
I just want to be rich now.

413
00:23:36,800 --> 00:23:39,680
I used to want world peace
and now I just want to be fucking minted.

414
00:23:42,880 --> 00:23:46,480
And I know that's not a very meaningful
pursuit, money for its own sake.

415
00:23:46,560 --> 00:23:48,680
But honesty is a meaningful pursuit.

416
00:23:49,880 --> 00:23:51,520
And if I'm being honest,

417
00:23:51,600 --> 00:23:52,960
I just want to be loaded.

418
00:23:54,760 --> 00:23:57,480
I just wanna be rich.
I mean, I'm already rich.

419
00:23:57,560 --> 00:23:59,800
We're all rich, technically speaking.

420
00:23:59,880 --> 00:24:03,720
By global standards,
everyone in this room is fucking Bezos.

421
00:24:04,400 --> 00:24:08,000
Everyone in this room is Nebuchadnezzar
by global standards.

422
00:24:08,080 --> 00:24:11,120
I don't give a shit
about global standards.

423
00:24:11,800 --> 00:24:13,400
Have you been to the globe?

424
00:24:13,480 --> 00:24:15,760
[laughs]

425
00:24:15,840 --> 00:24:17,480
The globe is filthy.

426
00:24:18,880 --> 00:24:20,840
We don't live in the globe.

427
00:24:20,920 --> 00:24:22,440
We live in the UK.

428
00:24:23,080 --> 00:24:25,840
On the edge of the world,
looking in, tutting.

429
00:24:28,600 --> 00:24:31,560
I don't wanna be globe-rich.
That's like 10 pounds.

430
00:24:31,640 --> 00:24:36,040
I don't wanna be globe-rich. I wanna be
proper rich. I want to be UK rich.

431
00:24:36,120 --> 00:24:38,760
And not just for the big, obvious things.

432
00:24:38,840 --> 00:24:42,600
Not the cars, houses,
killing people and getting away with it.

433
00:24:42,680 --> 00:24:44,560
[laughs]

434
00:24:44,640 --> 00:24:50,320
That's all lovely, sure. But it's the
little things that I want to be rich for.

435
00:24:50,400 --> 00:24:53,320
The little touches
that make being rich wonderful.

436
00:24:53,400 --> 00:24:58,400
Like, I wanna send a bottle
of champagne across a restaurant

437
00:24:58,480 --> 00:25:01,720
to an acquaintance
who hasn't noticed I'm there yet.

438
00:25:01,800 --> 00:25:04,240
-[laughs]
-Mwah!

439
00:25:06,680 --> 00:25:09,040
That's some sweet rich-person-only shit.

440
00:25:09,520 --> 00:25:12,200
I've seen that in the films
and Wang wants in.

441
00:25:13,480 --> 00:25:15,080
They're over there,

442
00:25:15,160 --> 00:25:17,760
all sad on their own, eating their fish,

443
00:25:17,840 --> 00:25:19,760
and they ain't got no champagne.

444
00:25:20,560 --> 00:25:22,720
Out of nowhere, the waiter pops up.

445
00:25:22,800 --> 00:25:26,640
"Oh, this is from the gentleman over there

446
00:25:27,440 --> 00:25:28,960
in the rabbit onesie."

447
00:25:29,040 --> 00:25:31,480
[laughs]

448
00:25:33,320 --> 00:25:34,920
I'm rich! I can wear what I like!

449
00:25:37,080 --> 00:25:40,800
You've not seen opulence till you've seen
a full-grown man doff an ear...

450
00:25:40,880 --> 00:25:42,880
[laughs]

451
00:25:44,400 --> 00:25:47,640
across a crowded Bella Italia.

452
00:25:47,720 --> 00:25:51,120
-[laughs]
-Mm. Mwah!

453
00:25:51,200 --> 00:25:52,560
Ooh, la, la.

454
00:25:54,520 --> 00:25:56,400
It'd certainly impress my date.

455
00:26:00,640 --> 00:26:02,840
I'm back on the dating scene now.

456
00:26:02,920 --> 00:26:04,880
-[whooping]
-Single once more. Ah, yes.

457
00:26:04,960 --> 00:26:06,840
[laughs]

458
00:26:07,760 --> 00:26:09,240
Single fella, single now.

459
00:26:09,320 --> 00:26:12,040
Broke up with my girlfriend.
Great way to become single.

460
00:26:13,560 --> 00:26:15,440
Highly effective, it turns out.

461
00:26:16,000 --> 00:26:18,640
So once more, dating.
Dating too much, man.

462
00:26:18,720 --> 00:26:21,080
Dating way too much. Dating too much.

463
00:26:21,160 --> 00:26:24,680
Dating far too much.
Chasing my tail with all the dating.

464
00:26:24,760 --> 00:26:27,040
Running in this mirage of happiness

465
00:26:27,560 --> 00:26:29,760
that keeps receding
further into the horizon.

466
00:26:30,320 --> 00:26:33,640
I'm trying to make up for something
with all this dating.

467
00:26:33,720 --> 00:26:39,080
I'm trying to make up for what I perceive
to have been a rather, uh, sexless youth.

468
00:26:39,160 --> 00:26:40,760
You know?

469
00:26:40,840 --> 00:26:42,160
I mean, not childhood.

470
00:26:42,240 --> 00:26:44,880
-Probably for the best, whatever.
-[laughs]

471
00:26:44,960 --> 00:26:47,800
But later.
Like late teens, early twenties.

472
00:26:47,880 --> 00:26:51,360
That time in your life when you're
supposed to get it out of your system.

473
00:26:51,440 --> 00:26:54,440
Just get on your knees, batten down
the hatches and just fuckin'...

474
00:26:55,000 --> 00:26:56,720
[laughs]

475
00:26:56,800 --> 00:26:58,640
Just experiment! Fucking yeah!

476
00:26:59,120 --> 00:27:01,320
Just fuck your way to clarity.

477
00:27:01,400 --> 00:27:03,920
[laughs]

478
00:27:04,000 --> 00:27:06,440
Move on, get a job,
buy a sensible hatchback.

479
00:27:08,360 --> 00:27:11,320
I never did that. I never made
the most of those opportunities.

480
00:27:11,400 --> 00:27:15,200
University, the big one.
I didn't really have sex at university.

481
00:27:15,920 --> 00:27:18,240
Uh, for religious reasons.

482
00:27:21,200 --> 00:27:22,800
Uh, God hates me.

483
00:27:22,880 --> 00:27:26,040
[laughs]

484
00:27:31,320 --> 00:27:33,520
I've been trying to make up for it.

485
00:27:33,600 --> 00:27:37,520
I've been trying to pay back this
sexual deficit I feel I incurred.

486
00:27:37,600 --> 00:27:40,200
This sexual debt upon which I have imposed

487
00:27:40,280 --> 00:27:43,480
my own rate of interest
that I cannot keep up with.

488
00:27:45,840 --> 00:27:47,560
Deep in with the Wang Bank over here.

489
00:27:47,640 --> 00:27:49,960
[laughs]

490
00:27:52,600 --> 00:27:55,200
Sure, the occasional repayment
is fun enough,

491
00:27:55,280 --> 00:27:57,560
but it's not a tenable way to live.

492
00:28:01,000 --> 00:28:05,160
I'm on the old dating apps too.
On the old apps. Gotta get on the apps.

493
00:28:05,240 --> 00:28:09,840
That can be a depressing venture.
I discovered pits of desperation

494
00:28:09,920 --> 00:28:15,280
I did not know I was low enough
to crawl into, on the dating apps.

495
00:28:15,360 --> 00:28:18,040
Like, have you ever swiped right

496
00:28:18,600 --> 00:28:21,120
on a group photo...

497
00:28:21,840 --> 00:28:23,840
[laughs]

498
00:28:23,920 --> 00:28:26,560
not knowing which one of them it is, just,

499
00:28:27,160 --> 00:28:29,160
"Yeah, any of them. Yeah, whatever.

500
00:28:31,400 --> 00:28:34,160
I'll date anyone
who can afford that ski trip."

501
00:28:34,240 --> 00:28:36,440
[laughs]

502
00:28:37,200 --> 00:28:38,480
There's a Labrador in there.

503
00:28:38,560 --> 00:28:42,240
"I'll take the dog, whatever.
He's got a healthy coat."

504
00:28:46,040 --> 00:28:48,240
Beggars can't be choosers, I suppose,

505
00:28:48,320 --> 00:28:51,760
and East Asian guys, we have
a difficult time on the dating apps.

506
00:28:52,320 --> 00:28:54,240
This is a documented phenomenon.

507
00:28:54,320 --> 00:28:58,680
East Asian men have the hardest time
on dating apps of any group.

508
00:28:58,760 --> 00:28:59,840
In the West.

509
00:28:59,920 --> 00:29:02,800
I think in, like, Korea, they're fine.

510
00:29:02,880 --> 00:29:04,760
[laughs]

511
00:29:05,360 --> 00:29:07,960
But in the West,
East Asian men, Chinese men,

512
00:29:08,040 --> 00:29:11,480
we're rarely considered
viable, sexual options.

513
00:29:11,560 --> 00:29:14,200
It's not how we're portrayed
in public culture, in media.

514
00:29:14,280 --> 00:29:16,440
We're never really the sexy guys.

515
00:29:16,520 --> 00:29:21,120
Usually we're portrayed as these
sort of gormless, bucktooth fools

516
00:29:22,320 --> 00:29:26,040
who are primarily asexual.
Like, completely uninterested in sex.

517
00:29:26,560 --> 00:29:28,640
Which is mad, considering how many

518
00:29:28,720 --> 00:29:30,520
Chinese people there are.

519
00:29:30,600 --> 00:29:33,440
[laughs]

520
00:29:33,520 --> 00:29:36,800
1.4 billion people,
that's with the one-child policy.

521
00:29:39,120 --> 00:29:41,320
We fuck so good
they had to give us a rule.

522
00:29:41,400 --> 00:29:43,560
[laughs]

523
00:29:43,640 --> 00:29:46,080
[applauding and whooping]

524
00:29:46,160 --> 00:29:48,160
No one else got a rule.

525
00:29:51,520 --> 00:29:54,880
But still, you know,
these negative perceptions persist.

526
00:29:54,960 --> 00:29:57,680
But I understand. I'm not angry about it.

527
00:29:58,880 --> 00:30:01,920
A culture's aesthetic tastes,
its beauty standards,

528
00:30:02,000 --> 00:30:05,240
are a difficult thing to shift,
informed by many things.

529
00:30:05,320 --> 00:30:08,640
What a society finds beautiful
is informed by its own cultural makeup,

530
00:30:08,720 --> 00:30:12,720
it's informed by its literature,
its language and its poetry.

531
00:30:12,800 --> 00:30:15,280
And sometimes I think the English language

532
00:30:15,360 --> 00:30:19,080
just isn't equipped to fully appreciate
East Asian male beauty.

533
00:30:19,160 --> 00:30:20,440
[laughs]

534
00:30:20,520 --> 00:30:23,000
For example,
we have very dark eyes, right?

535
00:30:23,080 --> 00:30:25,200
East Asian guys have very dark eyes.

536
00:30:25,280 --> 00:30:29,360
Some of us have very dark eyes.
Some of us have black eyes.

537
00:30:29,960 --> 00:30:32,000
Coal-black eyes

538
00:30:32,080 --> 00:30:33,560
of a snake.

539
00:30:34,520 --> 00:30:36,240
I don't know if you've tried,

540
00:30:36,320 --> 00:30:38,840
but it's very difficult to be romantic,

541
00:30:38,920 --> 00:30:40,480
in English, at least,

542
00:30:40,560 --> 00:30:42,520
about black eyes.

543
00:30:44,080 --> 00:30:46,920
If you have blue eyes, green eyes,
good for you, that shit's easy.

544
00:30:47,000 --> 00:30:49,000
[laughs]

545
00:30:49,080 --> 00:30:53,000
"Oh, you have green eyes!
Like the purest emerald.

546
00:30:53,080 --> 00:30:54,800
Oh!

547
00:30:54,880 --> 00:30:56,640
Oh, you have blue eyes.

548
00:30:56,720 --> 00:31:01,680
When I look in your eyes,
it's like I'm swimming in the ocean. Oh!"

549
00:31:01,760 --> 00:31:02,600
Whatever.

550
00:31:02,680 --> 00:31:06,600
Black eyes.
What can you say about black eyes?

551
00:31:06,680 --> 00:31:09,680
"Oh, you have black eyes.
They remind me of

552
00:31:09,760 --> 00:31:10,680
death.

553
00:31:10,760 --> 00:31:12,280
[laughs]

554
00:31:13,160 --> 00:31:15,000
They are like the endless abyss.

555
00:31:16,640 --> 00:31:21,080
When I look in your eyes,
it's like I'm closing my eyes."

556
00:31:21,160 --> 00:31:23,160
[laughs]

557
00:31:29,480 --> 00:31:32,320
Still, I guess I do all right. Um...

558
00:31:33,600 --> 00:31:35,960
I've dated some lovely ladies.

559
00:31:36,600 --> 00:31:40,760
Got no kids to show for it, as a bonus.
No kids. No-child policy over here.

560
00:31:40,840 --> 00:31:42,400
[laughs]

561
00:31:45,200 --> 00:31:48,120
I don't have any kids.
My ex, she was on the old contraceptives.

562
00:31:48,760 --> 00:31:52,120
Yeah, a couple of fans in?
Big fan of the contraceptives.

563
00:31:52,200 --> 00:31:55,000
Grateful to my ex
for being on contraceptives.

564
00:31:55,080 --> 00:31:58,720
Grateful to all you ladies,
for being on the old contraceptives.

565
00:31:58,800 --> 00:32:00,920
-[women whooping]
-Thank you very much, yes.

566
00:32:01,000 --> 00:32:02,440
On behalf of the fellas,

567
00:32:02,520 --> 00:32:03,760
cheers.

568
00:32:03,840 --> 00:32:05,840
-[laughs]
-Appreciate it.

569
00:32:05,920 --> 00:32:09,120
You've been taking one for the team
for a while. Not gone unnoticed.

570
00:32:09,200 --> 00:32:11,200
[laughs]

571
00:32:14,000 --> 00:32:16,040
You're doing great work. Keep it up.

572
00:32:17,200 --> 00:32:21,040
And it's not fair that you ladies
have to do most of it still.

573
00:32:21,120 --> 00:32:25,320
'Cause it's not like male equivalents
haven't been developed. They have!

574
00:32:26,200 --> 00:32:29,160
-We just haven't told ya.
-[laughs]

575
00:32:29,240 --> 00:32:31,200
We're sneaky like that, us guys.

576
00:32:31,280 --> 00:32:32,520
It's why you love us.

577
00:32:34,960 --> 00:32:37,320
They have. They made
a male pill a couple years ago.

578
00:32:37,400 --> 00:32:40,120
They came up
with a contraceptive pill for men.

579
00:32:40,200 --> 00:32:43,400
But the test subjects found
that it actually sort of

580
00:32:43,480 --> 00:32:44,840
altered their body chemistry.

581
00:32:46,680 --> 00:32:48,760
Made them feel a bit sad.

582
00:32:48,840 --> 00:32:50,440
[laughs]

583
00:32:50,520 --> 00:32:51,520
So they all went...

584
00:32:51,600 --> 00:32:52,800
"Hm...

585
00:32:53,920 --> 00:32:55,440
Must not be ready yet.

586
00:32:55,520 --> 00:32:57,440
[laughs]

587
00:32:57,520 --> 00:33:00,960
Women can keep using their pill,
which we presume is perfect by now."

588
00:33:03,680 --> 00:33:07,360
A mechanical solution
was developed for the guys.

589
00:33:07,440 --> 00:33:10,880
A little cork device that they just--
Right there.

590
00:33:11,800 --> 00:33:14,920
Right there.
The equivalent of the coil. Right there.

591
00:33:15,640 --> 00:33:18,760
Cork and the Coil.
There's a kids book. Right there.

592
00:33:19,680 --> 00:33:21,520
Just a little cork they put right there.

593
00:33:21,600 --> 00:33:24,400
Brute force approach, it worked.
Right there.

594
00:33:25,280 --> 00:33:27,280
A little cork
they put up there in the tube.

595
00:33:27,360 --> 00:33:30,240
It'll just sit up there
and stop the swimmers getting through.

596
00:33:30,320 --> 00:33:32,520
Just like a hard border. Right there.

597
00:33:32,600 --> 00:33:35,320
Just like putting a difficult
immigrations officer up inside.

598
00:33:35,800 --> 00:33:37,600
[laughs]

599
00:33:39,320 --> 00:33:41,560
"These passports are expired!"

600
00:33:43,000 --> 00:33:45,200
They'll have to swim back and: "Aw..."

601
00:33:46,240 --> 00:33:48,240
[laughs]

602
00:33:50,080 --> 00:33:51,960
I do quite a good sperm impression.

603
00:33:55,120 --> 00:33:56,120
I don't know why.

604
00:33:59,000 --> 00:34:00,320
I'm half sperm. Yeah.

605
00:34:00,400 --> 00:34:02,400
[laughs]

606
00:34:04,000 --> 00:34:05,800
Uh, dad's side, if you're wondering.

607
00:34:08,920 --> 00:34:12,960
But again, men found that procedure
a little invasive, so...

608
00:34:14,400 --> 00:34:18,000
They went, "Uh, women can
keep using the implant for now."

609
00:34:18,080 --> 00:34:20,600
It's not fair. It's not fair, ladies.

610
00:34:20,679 --> 00:34:22,679
I appreciate that,
and, men, we should help.

611
00:34:22,760 --> 00:34:26,360
We should help carry that burden.
Share the load. Pardon the pun.

612
00:34:26,440 --> 00:34:29,000
[laughs]

613
00:34:30,679 --> 00:34:34,120
But there's an intractable problem
with male contraception.

614
00:34:34,199 --> 00:34:37,400
Which no one in the industry
seems to be talking about.

615
00:34:37,480 --> 00:34:39,480
An intractable problem
with male contraception,

616
00:34:39,560 --> 00:34:43,520
which is that, even if a guy
were to get these things done to him,

617
00:34:43,600 --> 00:34:48,840
with the best of intentions,
what woman is going to believe him?

618
00:34:48,920 --> 00:34:50,960
[laughs]

619
00:34:51,040 --> 00:34:54,480
Right? There's a lot of trust
that goes with unseen contraception.

620
00:34:54,560 --> 00:34:58,880
A lot of jeopardy. None of the jeopardy
falls on the man's side. You know?

621
00:34:58,960 --> 00:35:03,200
A lady gets pregnant, she deals with it.
The guy, he can just fuck off.

622
00:35:04,440 --> 00:35:05,680
I mean, you shouldn't.

623
00:35:05,760 --> 00:35:07,120
[laughs]

624
00:35:07,200 --> 00:35:08,520
You shouldn't, fellas.

625
00:35:08,960 --> 00:35:11,680
You shouldn't. But you totally can.
But you shouldn't!

626
00:35:11,760 --> 00:35:13,200
[laughs]

627
00:35:13,280 --> 00:35:15,440
You mustn't-- Don't!

628
00:35:17,120 --> 00:35:19,480
But it's very easy. But you shouldn't!

629
00:35:20,480 --> 00:35:22,040
But you must refrain.

630
00:35:22,520 --> 00:35:24,880
But flights are so cheap now.
But you shouldn't!

631
00:35:24,960 --> 00:35:26,560
[laughs]

632
00:35:26,640 --> 00:35:29,000
You can get the Belgian passport
on the dark web.

633
00:35:29,080 --> 00:35:31,840
-Know that? Full Belgian passport.
-[laughs]

634
00:35:31,920 --> 00:35:34,040
Different name, new address.
But you shouldn't!

635
00:35:35,280 --> 00:35:37,440
But the option's always open to you.

636
00:35:38,440 --> 00:35:41,800
If you're a lady, you gotta deal
with that shit. The guy, you don't really.

637
00:35:41,880 --> 00:35:46,520
Which is why we don't need convincing
a lady's sorted out with contraceptives.

638
00:35:46,600 --> 00:35:49,800
You can make shit up, ladies.
Have fun with it. Could be like,

639
00:35:49,880 --> 00:35:53,320
"Oh, yeah, a magical squirrel
put a curse on me once,

640
00:35:53,400 --> 00:35:56,160
and, uh, now I cannot bear child."

641
00:35:56,240 --> 00:35:58,120
[laughs]

642
00:35:58,200 --> 00:36:00,280
And even a smart guy would be like,

643
00:36:00,360 --> 00:36:02,160
"Yeah, I think I read that.

644
00:36:03,880 --> 00:36:06,000
Yeah, sure. Let's do it."

645
00:36:07,880 --> 00:36:09,640
It doesn't work the other way around.

646
00:36:09,720 --> 00:36:12,640
Say all these male contraceptives
come on the market.

647
00:36:12,720 --> 00:36:15,080
I go down to the clinic. Get tooled up.

648
00:36:16,440 --> 00:36:19,040
And I go out on the town.
Take it for a spin.

649
00:36:19,120 --> 00:36:20,880
[laughs]

650
00:36:20,960 --> 00:36:24,800
Then I go to a bar, chat up a girl.
She's into it for some reason.

651
00:36:25,920 --> 00:36:26,920
Maybe she's sick.

652
00:36:27,560 --> 00:36:29,560
[laughs]

653
00:36:30,360 --> 00:36:32,800
We go back to my place. We start kissing.

654
00:36:32,880 --> 00:36:36,160
Sure, why not? It's 2021, keep up.

655
00:36:38,800 --> 00:36:42,360
We start kissing.
We get a little bit less-than-clothed.

656
00:36:43,320 --> 00:36:45,360
A little nakey-nu, as they say in France.
And...

657
00:36:47,880 --> 00:36:52,120
just before we get down and dirty,
she goes, "Ooh, you have any protection?"

658
00:36:52,200 --> 00:36:53,200
And I just go,

659
00:36:53,280 --> 00:36:55,680
"Don't worry, baby. Wang's on the pill.

660
00:36:55,760 --> 00:36:58,200
[laughs]

661
00:36:58,840 --> 00:37:01,200
Who, me? I got a cork in my balls!

662
00:37:03,160 --> 00:37:05,840
I know you've never heard of it,
but trust me!

663
00:37:06,880 --> 00:37:08,720
The man you met at All Bar One.

664
00:37:08,800 --> 00:37:11,280
[laughs]

665
00:37:12,600 --> 00:37:15,560
I got a cork in my balls! Put 'em
in the sink. They'll float, you'll see."

666
00:37:15,640 --> 00:37:18,040
[laughs]

667
00:37:21,240 --> 00:37:22,360
That'd never work.

668
00:37:23,320 --> 00:37:25,480
I need a doctor's note
from the UN for that!

669
00:37:27,000 --> 00:37:31,200
I'd need Malala to sign it. "He's got
a cork in his balls. I am Malala."

670
00:37:34,520 --> 00:37:37,440
I'd love a cork in my balls.
You kiddin'? Oh!

671
00:37:38,160 --> 00:37:39,960
I'd love a cork in my balls!

672
00:37:40,840 --> 00:37:43,520
London Palladium, if you take
nothing else from this show...

673
00:37:43,600 --> 00:37:44,440
And you won't.

674
00:37:44,520 --> 00:37:46,520
[laughs]

675
00:37:47,360 --> 00:37:50,240
...please remember
Phil would love a cork in his balls!

676
00:37:52,240 --> 00:37:54,200
Can you imagine the peace of mind

677
00:37:54,280 --> 00:37:56,680
that must come
with having a cork in your balls?

678
00:37:56,760 --> 00:37:57,960
-[laughs]
-Oh!

679
00:37:58,040 --> 00:38:01,680
I'd just swan about town,
making love, not a care in the world

680
00:38:01,760 --> 00:38:03,200
with a cork in my balls.

681
00:38:04,320 --> 00:38:06,560
When I do meet the one
and want to settle down,

682
00:38:06,640 --> 00:38:08,920
I just pop that shit like champagne.

683
00:38:09,000 --> 00:38:11,000
[laughs]

684
00:38:12,560 --> 00:38:14,440
Across a crowded Bella Italia.

685
00:38:14,520 --> 00:38:17,000
[laughing and applauding]

686
00:38:17,080 --> 00:38:17,920
Thank you.

687
00:38:22,520 --> 00:38:25,800
Love a... I'd love a cork in my balls.

688
00:38:27,000 --> 00:38:30,160
I'd love a cork in my balls.
I would absolutely love

689
00:38:31,000 --> 00:38:32,160
a cork in my balls.

690
00:38:32,240 --> 00:38:35,320
I wouldn't want the pill.
I don't want to be on the male pill.

691
00:38:35,400 --> 00:38:37,560
I don't want another thing
to remember to do.

692
00:38:38,200 --> 00:38:42,560
I got enough shit in my routine.
That's the most impressive one, the pill.

693
00:38:42,640 --> 00:38:44,840
I'm in so much admiration
for women on the pill.

694
00:38:44,920 --> 00:38:48,280
That's the most badass one.
It requires the most of you.

695
00:38:49,360 --> 00:38:52,160
The discipline. The determination.

696
00:38:53,240 --> 00:38:54,800
The strength of character.

697
00:38:55,720 --> 00:38:57,400
The memory, just the memory!

698
00:38:57,960 --> 00:39:00,920
You have to remember
to do it every day. It's gotta be hard.

699
00:39:01,000 --> 00:39:03,760
No matter what,
you gotta remember every day.

700
00:39:03,840 --> 00:39:08,360
It's gotta be difficult. Especially
if you're not getting any at the time.

701
00:39:10,000 --> 00:39:11,840
Brief moment of candor, ladies,

702
00:39:12,360 --> 00:39:15,440
but that's gotta be a kick
to the old soul there...

703
00:39:15,520 --> 00:39:17,960
[laughs]

704
00:39:19,320 --> 00:39:22,040
if you're a sister
going through a dry patch...

705
00:39:24,240 --> 00:39:27,200
and you still gotta pop
the old sex pill every day.

706
00:39:30,200 --> 00:39:33,160
-That's a bit of a taunt, isn't it?
-[laughs]

707
00:39:33,240 --> 00:39:37,440
Every day. Think of what that is.
If you're not having sex at the time,

708
00:39:37,520 --> 00:39:41,160
being on the contraceptive pill,
that is a daily,

709
00:39:42,000 --> 00:39:45,520
oral reminder

710
00:39:47,400 --> 00:39:49,960
of your own squandered sexual potential.

711
00:39:51,040 --> 00:39:54,000
Every day just a gulp
of loneliness with breakfast.

712
00:39:54,080 --> 00:39:55,600
[groans] Every day.

713
00:39:57,720 --> 00:40:02,200
Only women are emotionally strong enough
to persist with something like that.

714
00:40:02,840 --> 00:40:05,480
Can you imagine
if guys had to do anything like that?

715
00:40:05,560 --> 00:40:06,800
We wouldn't last a week!

716
00:40:07,760 --> 00:40:12,440
Can you imagine if guys had to get up
every morning, just crawl out of bed,

717
00:40:13,200 --> 00:40:15,680
and just strap on a condom every morning?

718
00:40:18,640 --> 00:40:20,320
Just like... [whimpers]

719
00:40:23,360 --> 00:40:25,280
"Maybe today.

720
00:40:25,360 --> 00:40:27,360
[laughs]

721
00:40:29,560 --> 00:40:31,800
Hopefully. [whines]"

722
00:40:33,720 --> 00:40:35,840
Just rolls it up his flaccid penis.

723
00:40:35,920 --> 00:40:37,960
-[whining]
-[laughs]

724
00:40:40,000 --> 00:40:43,600
Pulls up his trousers
and goes to work with his condom on.

725
00:40:43,680 --> 00:40:46,000
-[groaning]
-[laughs]

726
00:40:46,800 --> 00:40:49,680
It rides down all day like a tube top.
He's gotta keep pulling--

727
00:40:49,760 --> 00:40:51,960
[laughs]

728
00:40:54,200 --> 00:40:56,720
Distracts him at work. [groans]

729
00:40:57,720 --> 00:41:00,480
"Andy, are you all right?"
"Sorry, it's just--"

730
00:41:00,560 --> 00:41:02,520
"You're fired." "Oh, no."

731
00:41:05,040 --> 00:41:08,040
He goes out clubbing that night.
"Yeah. Oh, no."

732
00:41:10,480 --> 00:41:13,040
Tries to chat up a girl. "You look nice."

733
00:41:13,120 --> 00:41:14,560
"Ew, gross. Fuck off."

734
00:41:19,880 --> 00:41:21,320
He has to go home alone.

735
00:41:22,280 --> 00:41:23,680
Up to his bedroom.

736
00:41:23,760 --> 00:41:26,040
"Not today."

737
00:41:26,120 --> 00:41:27,680
[laughs]

738
00:41:27,760 --> 00:41:30,440
He just peels off this dry condom.

739
00:41:32,440 --> 00:41:34,600
Staples it to that day on the calendar.

740
00:41:34,680 --> 00:41:36,080
[laughs]

741
00:41:39,800 --> 00:41:41,800
[applause]

742
00:41:46,720 --> 00:41:49,000
Just think about the story you applauded.

743
00:41:49,080 --> 00:41:51,080
[laughs]

744
00:41:56,520 --> 00:41:57,800
I'd love a cork in my balls.

745
00:41:57,880 --> 00:42:00,080
[audience laughs]

746
00:42:00,160 --> 00:42:01,840
I'd love a cork in my balls.

747
00:42:01,920 --> 00:42:04,280
It doesn't make sense
for ladies to do it still.

748
00:42:04,360 --> 00:42:08,600
In the 21st century, it makes no sense.
It used to. Back in the day.

749
00:42:08,680 --> 00:42:11,520
Back when we were nomads
roaming the plains.

750
00:42:11,600 --> 00:42:13,120
You remember those times.

751
00:42:14,160 --> 00:42:18,360
It made sense. Back then, duties
of the sexes were clearly delineated.

752
00:42:18,440 --> 00:42:21,600
Back then, the lady, she took on
full reproductive responsibility

753
00:42:21,680 --> 00:42:24,640
'cause the guy, he'd taken on
full survival responsibility. Right?

754
00:42:25,200 --> 00:42:30,000
He goes out there, you know, fighting off
rival tribes and gathering meat.

755
00:42:31,520 --> 00:42:35,320
But now anyone can buy
a fuckin' Subway, you know. Who cares?

756
00:42:35,400 --> 00:42:38,800
Doesn't matter who does what anymore.
But back in the day, it did matter.

757
00:42:38,880 --> 00:42:42,640
Back then if a lady got pregnant,
that was a full-time job.

758
00:42:42,720 --> 00:42:45,440
'Cause it takes it out of you,
being preggers on the savanna.

759
00:42:47,040 --> 00:42:50,600
It's brutal, the human pregnancy.
Uniquely brutal in the animal kingdom.

760
00:42:50,680 --> 00:42:53,280
For a species our size,
it takes a long time.

761
00:42:54,040 --> 00:42:56,680
It leaves a woman
physically incapacitated.

762
00:42:56,760 --> 00:42:58,920
We're an upright animal,
which is weird already,

763
00:42:59,000 --> 00:43:01,880
and now, she can't bend over
to pick up any rocks

764
00:43:01,960 --> 00:43:03,560
to throw at a saber-tooth.

765
00:43:03,640 --> 00:43:05,640
[laughs]

766
00:43:06,240 --> 00:43:10,520
So she has to keep her fella sweet
so he'll hang around and protect her.

767
00:43:10,600 --> 00:43:12,800
"Hey, baby, this mammoth
giving you trouble?"

768
00:43:12,880 --> 00:43:14,720
[laughs]

769
00:43:14,800 --> 00:43:17,800
Fight off the triceratops.
My history's not great.

770
00:43:21,920 --> 00:43:24,720
She's walking around, pregnant.
For nine months!

771
00:43:24,800 --> 00:43:28,040
A sitting duck for nine months!
Then she gives birth to that thing.

772
00:43:28,120 --> 00:43:31,880
It's not over yet, lady!
Now she's gotta pick it up and hold it!

773
00:43:33,320 --> 00:43:34,560
For, like, two years.

774
00:43:35,800 --> 00:43:37,280
That's her arms gone now.

775
00:43:38,000 --> 00:43:40,560
She can't even uppercut
the pterodactyls anymore.

776
00:43:40,640 --> 00:43:43,160
[laughs]

777
00:43:43,240 --> 00:43:45,840
She's gotta hold
this fuckin' useless baby all the time!

778
00:43:46,480 --> 00:43:49,680
'Cause they're useless, human babies.
Fucking useless--

779
00:43:50,640 --> 00:43:53,080
Fucking useless, human babies. Sorry.

780
00:43:53,160 --> 00:43:55,160
[laughs]

781
00:43:55,680 --> 00:43:57,920
Absolutely useless, human babies.

782
00:43:58,000 --> 00:44:01,600
A moment away from death at all times.
Can't survive on their own at all.

783
00:44:01,680 --> 00:44:05,120
The second they're born,
with their big, bowling ball heads

784
00:44:05,760 --> 00:44:08,480
balanced precariously
on their toothpick necks.

785
00:44:10,240 --> 00:44:13,760
Every time you pick one up,
they're like, "Try not to kill me!"

786
00:44:13,840 --> 00:44:16,000
[laughs]

787
00:44:17,840 --> 00:44:21,040
That's why we came up
with morality in the first place.

788
00:44:21,120 --> 00:44:24,720
You know, humans, we had
to invent this thing called kindness

789
00:44:24,800 --> 00:44:27,760
so we didn't boot our babies
into the bush and move on!

790
00:44:29,040 --> 00:44:30,680
'Cause they're liabilities!

791
00:44:32,880 --> 00:44:34,480
Other animals don't need morality.

792
00:44:34,560 --> 00:44:38,120
Other animals' babies
are instant survival experts. You know?

793
00:44:38,200 --> 00:44:41,640
Like a baby elephant. You seen one?
That thing just falls out of its mum.

794
00:44:42,520 --> 00:44:44,680
-[splats]
-[laughs]

795
00:44:44,760 --> 00:44:47,400
Then it just gets up
and just starts walking.

796
00:44:48,360 --> 00:44:52,520
Like it's catching up with a pub crawl,
"Oh, shit, sorry, everyone. It's fine.

797
00:44:53,840 --> 00:44:55,120
No, it's fine. Sorry.

798
00:44:55,200 --> 00:44:57,920
[applause]

799
00:44:58,000 --> 00:45:00,280
I thought I left my phone, but I got it."

800
00:45:00,360 --> 00:45:01,800
[laughs]

801
00:45:04,000 --> 00:45:05,960
I'd love a cork in my balls.

802
00:45:06,040 --> 00:45:07,920
[laughs]

803
00:45:08,000 --> 00:45:12,120
I'd love a cork in my balls.
Because, ladies, I am an ally.

804
00:45:12,760 --> 00:45:14,720
[women whooping]

805
00:45:16,400 --> 00:45:18,120
Just kidding. That was a test, you failed.

806
00:45:18,200 --> 00:45:19,320
[laughs]

807
00:45:19,960 --> 00:45:21,600
Never trust a man who says that.

808
00:45:22,760 --> 00:45:25,920
Yes. That was a test and you passed.

809
00:45:26,000 --> 00:45:28,520
[laughs]

810
00:45:28,600 --> 00:45:31,280
Never trust a man that says that.
He's probably lying!

811
00:45:31,360 --> 00:45:33,480
Just because a person claims
to be something,

812
00:45:33,560 --> 00:45:35,760
does not mean they are
that particular something.

813
00:45:35,840 --> 00:45:37,280
And you can take that from me.

814
00:45:39,680 --> 00:45:41,600
Miss Nigeria 2015.

815
00:45:41,680 --> 00:45:44,720
[laughs]

816
00:45:48,680 --> 00:45:52,400
Hard to be an ally now.
Everyone's got to be a very good person.

817
00:45:52,480 --> 00:45:55,480
It's hard.
I've realized I'm not a good person.

818
00:45:56,840 --> 00:45:59,160
I'm not a good person.
I'm not a bad person,

819
00:45:59,240 --> 00:46:03,320
but I'm not selfless enough
to be a good person. You know?

820
00:46:03,400 --> 00:46:06,560
Over the course of this pandemic,
we've seen what it takes to be good.

821
00:46:06,640 --> 00:46:10,200
You gotta give shit up to look
after others. I won't do that.

822
00:46:11,480 --> 00:46:14,560
I'm not a good person.
I'm not a bad person, before you worry.

823
00:46:14,640 --> 00:46:16,560
I'm not a bad person. I'm in between.

824
00:46:16,640 --> 00:46:20,360
Like, for example,
I once accidentally sat on a cat.

825
00:46:20,440 --> 00:46:21,320
All right?

826
00:46:22,000 --> 00:46:23,400
It was an accident!

827
00:46:24,840 --> 00:46:28,320
But I didn't get up straight away.
You know, that's...

828
00:46:28,400 --> 00:46:30,120
[laughs]

829
00:46:30,200 --> 00:46:31,920
That's where I am on the spectrum.

830
00:46:33,920 --> 00:46:35,480
I knew it was wrong, but I took my time.

831
00:46:37,120 --> 00:46:39,680
But I'm decent, you know.
I'm a decent guy.

832
00:46:39,760 --> 00:46:41,720
I wouldn't go out of my way
to hurt anyone,

833
00:46:41,800 --> 00:46:44,400
but I wouldn't go out of my way
to help them either.

834
00:46:44,480 --> 00:46:46,760
I just wouldn't go out of my way.

835
00:46:46,840 --> 00:46:49,600
That's my moral code.
If you're falling over, I'll catch you,

836
00:46:49,680 --> 00:46:52,480
but you need to be falling
onto me, pretty much.

837
00:46:52,560 --> 00:46:54,160
[laughs]

838
00:46:54,640 --> 00:46:57,400
Got a bad back.
Can't be running around catching fools.

839
00:47:00,200 --> 00:47:02,640
It's okay to be decent.
Especially if you're a guy.

840
00:47:03,200 --> 00:47:05,560
We've made it pretty easy for ourselves.

841
00:47:05,640 --> 00:47:09,600
We've spent centuries, us guys,
lowering the moral bar for ourselves

842
00:47:10,160 --> 00:47:14,600
so all that's required for us to be
one of the good ones is to not be bad.

843
00:47:15,920 --> 00:47:19,200
It's harder for women. Women are held
to a higher ethical standard.

844
00:47:19,800 --> 00:47:22,080
I think the word "decent"
illustrates this clearly.

845
00:47:22,160 --> 00:47:24,720
If you're a decent guy,
that's a compliment.

846
00:47:25,920 --> 00:47:29,680
Notice that? "You gotta meet
my friend Paul. He's a decent guy."

847
00:47:30,560 --> 00:47:32,760
"Shit! Let's get a drink with Paul now!

848
00:47:32,840 --> 00:47:34,360
[laughs]

849
00:47:34,440 --> 00:47:37,400
Every second without Paul
is a living nightmare!

850
00:47:37,480 --> 00:47:39,680
Where are you, Paul?!"

851
00:47:41,760 --> 00:47:45,240
There just seems to be more weight
to the word "decent" if it's a man.

852
00:47:45,320 --> 00:47:47,920
Like, if you went to a man's funeral,

853
00:47:48,000 --> 00:47:49,800
you know, and the priest said,

854
00:47:49,880 --> 00:47:52,840
"Alan was a decent man."

855
00:47:54,080 --> 00:47:56,240
You'd be like, "[gasps] Oh, no!

856
00:47:57,800 --> 00:47:59,600
Alan sounded like a great guy!

857
00:48:00,840 --> 00:48:03,280
Aw, I should've hung out more with Alan!

858
00:48:03,360 --> 00:48:06,160
Now I've missed out
on all that sweet Alan time.

859
00:48:07,200 --> 00:48:09,680
Rest in peace, you hero.
See you up there."

860
00:48:09,760 --> 00:48:11,960
[laughs]

861
00:48:12,840 --> 00:48:15,240
If you went to a woman's funeral,
and the priest said,

862
00:48:15,320 --> 00:48:18,440
"Susie was a decent woman."

863
00:48:19,280 --> 00:48:21,680
[laughs]

864
00:48:22,720 --> 00:48:23,680
You'd be like: "Ugh.

865
00:48:24,560 --> 00:48:26,600
[laughs]

866
00:48:27,360 --> 00:48:29,360
Susie wasn't trying, was she?

867
00:48:29,440 --> 00:48:31,560
[laughs]

868
00:48:31,640 --> 00:48:33,720
Sounds like your heart wasn't in it, Suze!

869
00:48:36,320 --> 00:48:39,000
What did you die of?
A lack of effort? Christ!

870
00:48:41,160 --> 00:48:43,160
Put her in the ground.
Let's have some sandwiches."

871
00:48:45,320 --> 00:48:47,480
It's difficult
to be a good person all the time.

872
00:48:47,560 --> 00:48:50,840
It's difficult to feel like a good person.
All the time at the moment.

873
00:48:50,920 --> 00:48:53,200
I don't feel like a good person
at the moment.

874
00:48:53,680 --> 00:48:57,240
Especially in the wake of this
COVID pandemic, I feel...

875
00:48:57,320 --> 00:48:58,320
It sounds silly.

876
00:48:58,400 --> 00:49:00,760
...a little responsible for it all.

877
00:49:00,840 --> 00:49:03,840
Because if we're out
to believe the leading theory,

878
00:49:03,920 --> 00:49:07,800
this pandemic, this virus,
started in a meat market in China.

879
00:49:08,880 --> 00:49:12,560
So if you're being lazy
and a bit racist about the whole thing,

880
00:49:12,640 --> 00:49:15,280
you could blame the pandemic
on two groups of people,

881
00:49:15,360 --> 00:49:18,360
Chinese people and meat eaters.

882
00:49:19,480 --> 00:49:22,360
Now, I don't know about you,
but I am both of those things.

883
00:49:22,440 --> 00:49:24,200
[laughs]

884
00:49:24,280 --> 00:49:25,960
I'm a Chinese meat eater.

885
00:49:26,600 --> 00:49:29,280
All right.
One of those things I can't change.

886
00:49:29,360 --> 00:49:32,640
Obviously. No matter how hard I try,
I can't do anything about.

887
00:49:33,520 --> 00:49:35,880
And the other would require some sort of

888
00:49:35,960 --> 00:49:38,600
facial reconstruction
to look less Chinese.

889
00:49:38,680 --> 00:49:41,720
[laughing and applauding]

890
00:49:42,280 --> 00:49:44,760
It sounds expensive and painful.

891
00:49:48,920 --> 00:49:51,440
Yeah. Gotta hand it to the vegans, though.

892
00:49:51,520 --> 00:49:54,320
They were right the whole time,
the vegans.

893
00:49:54,400 --> 00:49:57,760
You shouldn't cram animals
unnaturally close to one another.

894
00:49:57,840 --> 00:49:59,320
It'll all end in tears.

895
00:49:59,400 --> 00:50:03,240
And they've been proved right
in the most dramatic way imaginable.

896
00:50:03,880 --> 00:50:05,080
And to their credit,

897
00:50:05,160 --> 00:50:09,080
they have seen this opportunity
for a huge worldwide I-told-you-so,

898
00:50:09,600 --> 00:50:10,840
and they let it pass.

899
00:50:10,920 --> 00:50:13,120
[laughs]

900
00:50:13,200 --> 00:50:14,800
With uncharacteristic grace.

901
00:50:17,760 --> 00:50:21,960
But I think that's 'cause deep down,
they're smug about the whole thing.

902
00:50:22,040 --> 00:50:25,360
They're being quietly smug
because they know this is their world now.

903
00:50:25,440 --> 00:50:30,360
This is the world of the vegan now.
The COVID era is the age of the vegan.

904
00:50:31,040 --> 00:50:36,360
Because who better equipped
to thrive in the coronavirus age

905
00:50:36,440 --> 00:50:40,200
than someone for whom a loss of taste
would be a blessed relief.

906
00:50:40,280 --> 00:50:42,280
[laughs]

907
00:50:42,360 --> 00:50:45,360
[whooping and applauding]

908
00:50:46,560 --> 00:50:49,440
"Pass me the mushroom burger, baby!
I've tested positive!

909
00:50:51,080 --> 00:50:53,360
We're having seconds tonight."

910
00:50:55,800 --> 00:50:58,360
I'm not a vegan myself.
I've given it a good go.

911
00:50:58,440 --> 00:51:00,000
I gave veganism a good go

912
00:51:00,080 --> 00:51:02,400
over the course of a meal.

913
00:51:02,480 --> 00:51:04,240
[laughs]

914
00:51:04,320 --> 00:51:07,720
I've decided, that instead,
to offset my carbon footprint,

915
00:51:07,800 --> 00:51:10,680
I will just die 20 years early.

916
00:51:15,280 --> 00:51:19,200
There's an old Buddhist proverb that goes,
"A short life well-lived

917
00:51:19,280 --> 00:51:21,600
is better than a long one with quinoa."

918
00:51:22,040 --> 00:51:24,040
[laughs]

919
00:51:25,080 --> 00:51:28,360
And I think there's
a lot of wisdom in those old texts.

920
00:51:30,000 --> 00:51:32,120
I've been trying to eat healthier.

921
00:51:32,200 --> 00:51:35,560
I've been trying to get
slimmer, fitter, healthier.

922
00:51:35,640 --> 00:51:37,120
Working out and all that.

923
00:51:37,680 --> 00:51:41,080
I've let go of the, uh, comforting,
but rather spurious idea

924
00:51:41,160 --> 00:51:44,800
that a person's physical appearance
is of no importance at all.

925
00:51:45,400 --> 00:51:46,760
It's not everything,

926
00:51:46,840 --> 00:51:48,520
but it's not nothing either.

927
00:51:48,600 --> 00:51:51,160
There's a happy medium
somewhere in between.

928
00:51:51,240 --> 00:51:55,240
But I used to comfort myself
with all these old platitudes, you know.

929
00:51:55,320 --> 00:51:59,480
Doesn't matter how I look on the outside,
it's who I am on the inside that counts.

930
00:52:00,040 --> 00:52:03,480
It turned out who I was on the inside
was having trouble breathing.

931
00:52:03,560 --> 00:52:06,400
-So...
-[laughs]

932
00:52:07,440 --> 00:52:10,440
Even the most well-meaning ideologies
have their practical limits.

933
00:52:11,680 --> 00:52:14,480
So I started working out,
put some work in,

934
00:52:14,560 --> 00:52:17,680
started working out, exercising.
I lost some weight.

935
00:52:17,760 --> 00:52:20,480
Lost a good bit of weight.
I lost some weight.

936
00:52:20,560 --> 00:52:22,280
[silence]

937
00:52:22,360 --> 00:52:23,720
Thank you!

938
00:52:23,800 --> 00:52:25,080
[laughs]

939
00:52:25,160 --> 00:52:28,560
Appreciate it. Really kind.
Made it all worth it. Thanks.

940
00:52:31,080 --> 00:52:33,560
Lost some weight recently,
lost a good bit.

941
00:52:33,640 --> 00:52:37,040
Mainly from my, uh, dick,
which is a shame.

942
00:52:37,120 --> 00:52:38,920
-[groans]
-[laughs]

943
00:52:39,680 --> 00:52:42,440
Never know where
it's gonna come off, do you?

944
00:52:42,520 --> 00:52:46,360
You always hope it's your belly
or jawline. For me, it's my penis.

945
00:52:49,160 --> 00:52:50,360
This is my body now.

946
00:52:50,960 --> 00:52:52,200
This is my physique.

947
00:52:52,720 --> 00:52:55,080
I'm content. I'm content with this body.

948
00:52:55,160 --> 00:52:56,400
I'm not happy.

949
00:52:57,640 --> 00:53:00,480
Don't worry, I've not lost my mind.
I'm not happy with my body.

950
00:53:01,400 --> 00:53:03,680
But I'm content, you know.

951
00:53:03,760 --> 00:53:06,640
We're under too much pressure
to be happy with our bodies.

952
00:53:06,720 --> 00:53:09,440
It's not really the job of your body
to make you happy.

953
00:53:10,360 --> 00:53:14,400
Because what is your body?
Your body is just a compromise you've made

954
00:53:15,040 --> 00:53:18,480
between the lifestyles you want to live
at the same time.

955
00:53:18,560 --> 00:53:20,280
-[laughs]
-You know?

956
00:53:20,920 --> 00:53:23,760
What is your body?
Your body is the intersection

957
00:53:23,840 --> 00:53:26,400
between your ideal...

958
00:53:28,000 --> 00:53:31,280
and your effort. Right?

959
00:53:32,760 --> 00:53:35,560
This is my body.
This is not the body I want.

960
00:53:36,160 --> 00:53:38,040
I want a better body.

961
00:53:39,040 --> 00:53:44,240
But this is how much I want that body.

962
00:53:44,320 --> 00:53:45,720
[laughs]

963
00:53:45,800 --> 00:53:47,800
[applauding]

964
00:53:51,760 --> 00:53:53,920
It's not like
I've had no say in the matter.

965
00:53:55,680 --> 00:53:58,600
Just trying to look good.
Started working out. Gone to the gym.

966
00:53:58,680 --> 00:54:00,560
-[woman whoops]
-Started working out. Thank you!

967
00:54:00,640 --> 00:54:03,120
I started doing, uh, Pilates.

968
00:54:03,200 --> 00:54:05,360
-[women whooping]
-Yeah, that's right.

969
00:54:05,440 --> 00:54:06,720
Old Philates Wang over here.

970
00:54:06,800 --> 00:54:08,040
[laughs]

971
00:54:08,120 --> 00:54:09,400
I love the Philates.

972
00:54:10,480 --> 00:54:14,240
Gotta get on the ol' Pilates, everyone.
Pilates for the back, you see.

973
00:54:14,320 --> 00:54:20,320
If you don't know what Pilates is,
uh, Pilates is basically atheist yoga.

974
00:54:20,960 --> 00:54:22,800
[laughs]

975
00:54:22,880 --> 00:54:25,360
That's all it seems to be. Pilates.

976
00:54:25,440 --> 00:54:28,840
I've been doing it a while now.
It's just atheist yoga.

977
00:54:28,920 --> 00:54:33,240
It's yoga without all the fuckin',
you know, ghosts!

978
00:54:33,320 --> 00:54:34,880
There's none of that.

979
00:54:34,960 --> 00:54:36,280
[laughs]

980
00:54:36,360 --> 00:54:37,800
None of that in Pilates.

981
00:54:37,880 --> 00:54:39,880
[applauding]

982
00:54:41,080 --> 00:54:42,360
Pilates is more like,

983
00:54:42,440 --> 00:54:44,880
"Bend over the stick.
There is no God!" That's Pilates.

984
00:54:44,960 --> 00:54:47,280
[laughs]

985
00:54:47,360 --> 00:54:49,040
I think it's German.

986
00:54:51,000 --> 00:54:53,760
Started, uh, doing Pilates.
Trying to look better.

987
00:54:53,840 --> 00:54:56,400
Trying to look better in my thirties. 31.

988
00:54:56,480 --> 00:55:00,240
Trying to catch the pieces
as they fall off, put them back in place.

989
00:55:00,320 --> 00:55:01,920
[laughs]

990
00:55:02,000 --> 00:55:04,760
I've started getting better haircuts.
This is better, believe it or not!

991
00:55:05,960 --> 00:55:08,440
I used to be a real cheapskate
with the haircuts.

992
00:55:08,520 --> 00:55:11,440
I used to go down to the nearest
Lebanese guy, give him 10 pounds

993
00:55:11,520 --> 00:55:13,240
and he'd throw
a pair of scissors at my head.

994
00:55:13,320 --> 00:55:14,800
[laughs]

995
00:55:14,880 --> 00:55:16,400
I'd hope for the best.

996
00:55:17,640 --> 00:55:21,240
I live in the Lebanese part of London.
I don't hunt down Lebanese people.

997
00:55:22,800 --> 00:55:26,000
Now I go a bit further afield
to an East Asian barber.

998
00:55:26,080 --> 00:55:28,960
Now, East Asian hair
is quite a unique beast.

999
00:55:29,040 --> 00:55:32,320
It needs the appropriate
lived experience. You know?

1000
00:55:33,520 --> 00:55:37,560
So I go to an East Asian barber now.
I go to a Japanese place.

1001
00:55:37,640 --> 00:55:39,360
Because I forgive them.

1002
00:55:39,440 --> 00:55:43,000
[laughs]

1003
00:55:43,080 --> 00:55:48,040
You know, Nanking was a while ago.
PlayStation's pretty good. Fair enough.

1004
00:55:48,120 --> 00:55:50,400
[laughs]

1005
00:55:51,480 --> 00:55:53,320
I like my barber. Cool guy.

1006
00:55:53,400 --> 00:55:55,480
My barber Tucker. Cool guy, Tucker.

1007
00:55:55,560 --> 00:55:56,920
Cool Japanese barber.

1008
00:55:57,000 --> 00:55:59,960
I like Tucker. We have good conversations
while I'm in the chair.

1009
00:56:00,040 --> 00:56:04,240
He's, uh, got very good English, Tucker.
He's been in the UK a few years now.

1010
00:56:04,320 --> 00:56:09,320
But he still has a strong Japanese accent.
And understandably, from time to time,

1011
00:56:09,400 --> 00:56:12,720
he will not know the English word
that he's reaching for.

1012
00:56:13,400 --> 00:56:16,560
But for some reason,
he does know the English word,

1013
00:56:17,360 --> 00:56:18,640
"whatchamacallit."

1014
00:56:18,720 --> 00:56:21,120
[laughs]

1015
00:56:21,200 --> 00:56:23,800
I don't know how,
where he learned this word.

1016
00:56:25,560 --> 00:56:27,000
But I'm so glad he did.

1017
00:56:27,800 --> 00:56:30,080
Because it imbues
all our conversations with magic.

1018
00:56:30,720 --> 00:56:33,400
So I'll be sat in his chair.
He'll be cutting my hair.

1019
00:56:33,480 --> 00:56:36,280
He'll just be telling me
about his weekend.

1020
00:56:36,360 --> 00:56:38,200
He'll just go like,

1021
00:56:38,280 --> 00:56:41,240
[in Japanese accent]
"I was, uh, watching TV

1022
00:56:42,760 --> 00:56:44,240
in my apartment

1023
00:56:45,560 --> 00:56:46,920
sitting on my sofa...

1024
00:56:49,040 --> 00:56:52,560
and I saw an advert for the...

1025
00:56:54,080 --> 00:56:55,320
[groans]

1026
00:56:57,160 --> 00:56:58,960
Whatchamacallit...

1027
00:56:59,040 --> 00:57:01,040
[laughs]

1028
00:57:03,840 --> 00:57:05,800
Whatchamacallit..."

1029
00:57:05,880 --> 00:57:07,880
[laughs]

1030
00:57:11,080 --> 00:57:14,120
[in normal voice] There's no point
to this story. I just think it's funny

1031
00:57:14,960 --> 00:57:17,000
when he says, "whatchamacallit."

1032
00:57:17,600 --> 00:57:20,080
It's a good word to know
if you don't know other words.

1033
00:57:20,560 --> 00:57:24,120
It catches a lot of them.
Classic Japanese efficiency there.

1034
00:57:24,200 --> 00:57:26,000
[laughs]

1035
00:57:28,560 --> 00:57:32,680
I feel like some of you got uncomfortable
when I did a Japanese accent.

1036
00:57:34,280 --> 00:57:36,640
Which is, of course, insane.

1037
00:57:36,720 --> 00:57:41,120
But I understand. These are
racially fractious times, aren't they?

1038
00:57:41,760 --> 00:57:44,040
Hard to know what is right and wrong.

1039
00:57:44,120 --> 00:57:48,080
What is acceptable and what is not.
What you can laugh at and what you can't.

1040
00:57:48,160 --> 00:57:52,040
And far be it for me to expect you to take
an unnecessary risk for my benefit.

1041
00:57:52,120 --> 00:57:54,360
[laughs]

1042
00:57:56,120 --> 00:57:58,320
So you are forgiven. However,

1043
00:57:59,280 --> 00:58:00,640
for future reference,

1044
00:58:00,720 --> 00:58:03,360
and to protect you
from future cowardice, I--

1045
00:58:04,520 --> 00:58:06,680
For future reference,
I've come up with some rules.

1046
00:58:06,760 --> 00:58:10,560
Some rules of thumb
to help you decide in the moment

1047
00:58:10,640 --> 00:58:14,720
whether or not it is morally acceptable
to do another person's accent.

1048
00:58:15,360 --> 00:58:17,520
-Would you like to hear the rules?
-[all] Yeah!

1049
00:58:17,600 --> 00:58:20,200
Of course you would, you fuckin' bigots!

1050
00:58:20,280 --> 00:58:22,480
[laughs]

1051
00:58:24,200 --> 00:58:29,840
So the first rule is,
the umbrella rule, the catchall rule is,

1052
00:58:31,120 --> 00:58:32,760
if it's a good accent...

1053
00:58:33,320 --> 00:58:35,680
[laughing]

1054
00:58:36,240 --> 00:58:37,080
play ball.

1055
00:58:39,000 --> 00:58:42,440
That's fair. If it's a good accent,
if you put in the time,

1056
00:58:43,080 --> 00:58:45,920
research and practice

1057
00:58:46,720 --> 00:58:48,640
to really nail that sucker down,

1058
00:58:49,960 --> 00:58:52,080
I don't think anyone
has any right to complain.

1059
00:58:53,000 --> 00:58:54,720
What can they even say?

1060
00:58:54,800 --> 00:58:57,800
"Hey, come on, that's bang on."
What can they say?

1061
00:58:59,760 --> 00:59:01,040
Fuck it.

1062
00:59:01,120 --> 00:59:03,080
[applauding]

1063
00:59:06,280 --> 00:59:08,280
If it's a good accent, have at it.

1064
00:59:09,120 --> 00:59:11,840
Now, that doesn't cover me
in every situation.

1065
00:59:11,920 --> 00:59:14,040
So the second rule is,

1066
00:59:14,120 --> 00:59:17,000
if the accent in question
belongs to a people

1067
00:59:17,080 --> 00:59:20,000
who at any time had an empire...

1068
00:59:20,720 --> 00:59:22,480
[laughs]

1069
00:59:22,560 --> 00:59:25,920
or were on the naughty side
during the war...

1070
00:59:28,560 --> 00:59:30,640
they're not allowed to complain either!

1071
00:59:30,720 --> 00:59:32,320
[laughs]

1072
00:59:33,880 --> 00:59:36,680
Now, this gets you more accents
than you think.

1073
00:59:40,080 --> 00:59:41,840
You get the obvious ones,

1074
00:59:41,920 --> 00:59:45,720
like English, French, Dutch, Portuguese,
Spanish, German, blah, blah, blah.

1075
00:59:46,440 --> 00:59:48,440
But you get fun ones too!

1076
00:59:48,520 --> 00:59:50,000
[laughs]

1077
00:59:50,080 --> 00:59:51,600
You get Japanese.

1078
00:59:51,680 --> 00:59:53,560
You get, uh, Italian.

1079
00:59:54,240 --> 00:59:56,360
[laughs]

1080
00:59:58,520 --> 01:00:00,920
You get Turkish. You get Russian.

1081
01:00:01,000 --> 01:00:02,320
You get Egyptian.

1082
01:00:03,040 --> 01:00:04,960
You get Chinese! Yeah!

1083
01:00:05,600 --> 01:00:08,680
Might not be expecting old Wang
to give you this green light, but...

1084
01:00:08,760 --> 01:00:10,400
[laughs]

1085
01:00:10,480 --> 01:00:12,720
I'm hoist with my own petard, yeah.

1086
01:00:13,360 --> 01:00:16,640
China is on a perpetual imperial mission,
taking over the world.

1087
01:00:16,720 --> 01:00:21,440
You're allowed to do a Chinese accent.
We're strong enough. Uh, we can take it.

1088
01:00:21,520 --> 01:00:23,640
[laughs]

1089
01:00:24,760 --> 01:00:28,360
I don't give a shit when someone does
a Chinese accent. Water off a Wang's back.

1090
01:00:28,440 --> 01:00:30,680
[laughs]

1091
01:00:30,760 --> 01:00:33,800
The eagle does not concern himself
with the impressions of the worm.

1092
01:00:33,880 --> 01:00:36,400
[laughs]

1093
01:00:37,720 --> 01:00:40,280
Couldn't care less
when people do Chinese accents.

1094
01:00:40,360 --> 01:00:45,000
Don't care. My friends seem to care.
My white woke friends care very much

1095
01:00:45,600 --> 01:00:47,640
when someone does
an offensive Chinese accent.

1096
01:00:47,720 --> 01:00:50,920
They'll tell me about people
doing offensive Chinese accents.

1097
01:00:51,000 --> 01:00:52,280
I've never asked them to.

1098
01:00:52,960 --> 01:00:57,160
But apparently I have
this network of terrified spies...

1099
01:00:57,240 --> 01:00:59,640
[laughs]

1100
01:00:59,720 --> 01:01:01,840
who just rush off into the world,

1101
01:01:01,920 --> 01:01:04,960
get offended on my account
and rush back to report.

1102
01:01:06,960 --> 01:01:10,520
"[whimpering] Did you see?
That celebrity did a Chinese accent!

1103
01:01:11,840 --> 01:01:13,840
Piers Morgan did a Chinese accent.

1104
01:01:15,160 --> 01:01:20,320
Gigi Hadid on Instagram, she did the eyes.
I won't do them now, but she did the eyes.

1105
01:01:21,440 --> 01:01:26,560
Aren't you sad? Aren't you offended?
Do you feel diminished? You'll be okay."

1106
01:01:26,640 --> 01:01:28,440
[mumbles, then groans]

1107
01:01:30,600 --> 01:01:32,920
We're going to kill all of you.

1108
01:01:33,000 --> 01:01:35,800
[laughing and applauding]

1109
01:01:39,040 --> 01:01:42,400
We don't want to remember
who did it, who didn't do it...

1110
01:01:43,040 --> 01:01:46,040
Whatever. Enjoy!
Whatever, who cares. Enjoy.

1111
01:01:47,040 --> 01:01:48,600
We're busy, actually.

1112
01:01:49,640 --> 01:01:51,920
Don't know if you've noticed,
but we're busy.

1113
01:01:52,000 --> 01:01:53,880
Handle your own HR, we're busy!

1114
01:01:53,960 --> 01:01:55,600
[laughs]

1115
01:01:55,680 --> 01:01:59,120
We're flying to the moon.
Raking over your footprints. We're busy.

1116
01:02:02,840 --> 01:02:06,200
Taking thousands of photos
of your city centers for reconnaissance.

1117
01:02:06,280 --> 01:02:08,160
-[laughs]
-We're busy.

1118
01:02:12,640 --> 01:02:14,920
"Oh, just a tourist, just a tourist."

1119
01:02:15,000 --> 01:02:17,440
[laughing and applauding]

1120
01:02:22,200 --> 01:02:23,520
[in Mandarin] Ready, fire!

1121
01:02:23,600 --> 01:02:25,600
[laughs]

1122
01:02:26,000 --> 01:02:28,320
[in English] We're going to eat you all.

1123
01:02:30,320 --> 01:02:33,080
And you won't even
be the weirdest shit we ate that day.

1124
01:02:33,160 --> 01:02:34,520
[laughs]

1125
01:02:34,600 --> 01:02:36,840
Guys, thank you so much
for coming out. Have a good night!

1126
01:02:36,920 --> 01:02:39,920
[cheering and applauding]

1127
01:02:40,720 --> 01:02:43,320
[hip-hop music playing]

1128
01:03:20,920 --> 01:03:25,920
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