WEBVTT FILE 1 00:00:02.000 --> 00:00:07.000 Downloaded from YTS.MX 2 00:00:08.000 --> 00:00:13.000 Official YIFY movies site: YTS.MX 3 00:00:19.519 --> 00:00:21.721 And now, everybody, put your hands together 4 00:00:21.821 --> 00:00:27.427 and give a warm welcome to Phoebe Robinso-o-o-o-n! 5 00:00:53.887 --> 00:00:57.757 Y'all ever be Black 6 00:00:57.857 --> 00:00:59.759 and date a white person from England, 7 00:00:59.859 --> 00:01:03.263 so basically they're OG white? 8 00:01:03.363 --> 00:01:07.400 Like, "powder wigs and stockings" white? 9 00:01:07.467 --> 00:01:09.602 Like, they have that tattoo across their stomach 10 00:01:09.702 --> 00:01:11.871 Tupac-style? 11 00:01:11.938 --> 00:01:13.206 But instead of saying "thug life," 12 00:01:13.273 --> 00:01:15.542 it just says "Wallace and Gromit"? 13 00:01:19.712 --> 00:01:23.483 Y'all ever be Black and date someone like that 14 00:01:23.583 --> 00:01:27.320 and then watch a civil-rights movie together? 15 00:01:30.757 --> 00:01:31.891 No? 16 00:01:31.958 --> 00:01:33.560 Just me? 17 00:01:33.626 --> 00:01:35.228 Don't recommend it, y'all. 18 00:01:35.295 --> 00:01:38.098 I don't. 19 00:01:38.164 --> 00:01:42.102 My boyfriend and I watched "Amistad." 20 00:01:42.168 --> 00:01:45.238 Mm-hmm. 21 00:01:45.305 --> 00:01:49.809 And by the end, I was staring at him 22 00:01:49.909 --> 00:01:52.946 like he was the captain of the ship, okay? 23 00:01:55.582 --> 00:01:58.151 Y'all, I swear, if it wasn't for that one shot 24 00:01:58.251 --> 00:02:01.354 of Djimon Hounsou's dick, 25 00:02:01.454 --> 00:02:04.023 my whole night would've been ruined, okay? 26 00:02:08.928 --> 00:02:12.332 It's hard out there for interracial couples like mine. 27 00:02:12.432 --> 00:02:13.967 It is. 28 00:02:14.033 --> 00:02:18.138 'Cause we only get two kinds of programming, 29 00:02:18.204 --> 00:02:19.939 either Black and white people 30 00:02:20.006 --> 00:02:25.445 making hot Lisa Bonet babies named Quinoa... 31 00:02:28.948 --> 00:02:31.151 ...or sad-ass movies about evil white men 32 00:02:31.217 --> 00:02:35.788 stealing jump ropes so Black people can't Double Dutch. 33 00:02:35.855 --> 00:02:37.457 There's no in between. 34 00:02:37.524 --> 00:02:40.994 It's just extremes, okay? 35 00:02:41.060 --> 00:02:43.830 Like, it's either Olivia Pope and President Fitz 36 00:02:43.897 --> 00:02:47.333 fucking in a broom closet... 37 00:02:51.704 --> 00:02:53.506 ...or it's just... 38 00:02:59.579 --> 00:03:01.714 And then it's just Viola Davis ugly crying 39 00:03:01.814 --> 00:03:05.418 and snot flying out of her nose. 40 00:03:05.518 --> 00:03:08.388 That's it. That's the whole movie. 41 00:03:08.488 --> 00:03:10.590 Just 90 minutes of the Mucinex guy 42 00:03:10.690 --> 00:03:13.860 just Silver Surfer-ing out her nostrils. 43 00:03:15.395 --> 00:03:18.598 It's too much, y'all, 'cause whenever bae and I 44 00:03:18.698 --> 00:03:21.534 are done watching these sad-ass civil-rights movies, 45 00:03:21.601 --> 00:03:24.504 he's filled with white guilt, you know? 46 00:03:24.571 --> 00:03:27.440 He starts trying to give me free iPhones and shit. 47 00:03:29.842 --> 00:03:33.246 I'm like, "Man, I already have an iPhone. 48 00:03:33.346 --> 00:03:35.515 You on my family plan." 49 00:03:40.887 --> 00:03:43.089 Meanwhile, I'm so mad at him 50 00:03:43.189 --> 00:03:47.093 about what Harriet Tubman went through 51 00:03:47.193 --> 00:03:49.195 that my pussy just turns into Gandalf 52 00:03:49.262 --> 00:03:50.763 from "Lord of the Rings." 53 00:03:50.863 --> 00:03:54.634 Just like, "You shall not pass!" 54 00:04:01.140 --> 00:04:03.443 It's too much. 55 00:04:03.543 --> 00:04:06.045 All bae and I want is to watch something 56 00:04:06.112 --> 00:04:08.648 with Black and white people in it 57 00:04:08.748 --> 00:04:13.786 that isn't racism 101 or artisanal Pornhub. 58 00:04:18.925 --> 00:04:21.761 That's what I call that Halle Berry movie, "Monster's Ball." 59 00:04:21.828 --> 00:04:25.965 That is artisanal Pornhub. 60 00:04:27.400 --> 00:04:30.103 And, look, I get the purpose of these movies about race. 61 00:04:30.169 --> 00:04:31.404 I do. 62 00:04:31.471 --> 00:04:33.139 We got to keep telling these stories, right, 63 00:04:33.239 --> 00:04:36.843 so we don't forget the people who fought for our freedom. 64 00:04:36.943 --> 00:04:38.011 I appreciate that. 65 00:04:38.111 --> 00:04:39.979 I'm grateful for it. 66 00:04:40.079 --> 00:04:43.516 But I can't do it anymore, y'all. 67 00:04:43.616 --> 00:04:47.820 Watching civil-rights movies is a young person's game. 68 00:04:47.920 --> 00:04:49.022 For real. 69 00:04:49.122 --> 00:04:50.990 Like, when I saw the movie "Selma," 70 00:04:51.090 --> 00:04:53.960 that audience was nothing but young white people 71 00:04:54.027 --> 00:04:57.764 in Patagonias 72 00:04:57.830 --> 00:05:03.303 and young Black people who don't need arch support, okay? 73 00:05:03.369 --> 00:05:04.804 They haven't marched. 74 00:05:04.871 --> 00:05:07.540 They have feet like Misty Copeland, just perfect. 75 00:05:09.776 --> 00:05:13.546 But when I saw "Paddington 2," 76 00:05:13.646 --> 00:05:17.050 that movie about the teddy bear in a raincoat, 77 00:05:17.150 --> 00:05:22.822 it was wall-to-wall old-ass Evelyns and Walters, okay? 78 00:05:25.458 --> 00:05:30.730 That theater smelled like butterscotch and disappointment 79 00:05:30.830 --> 00:05:32.398 over Aunt Sylvia's mac and cheese. 80 00:05:32.498 --> 00:05:36.536 It was old as fuck. 81 00:05:36.636 --> 00:05:38.004 And I get it. I do. 82 00:05:38.071 --> 00:05:41.007 They've lived too long. They've seen too much. 83 00:05:41.074 --> 00:05:44.477 All they can handle is a teddy bear in a raincoat. 84 00:05:44.544 --> 00:05:47.313 But I'm 36, and I can barely finish 85 00:05:47.380 --> 00:05:50.149 a civil-rights movie anymore. 86 00:05:50.216 --> 00:05:52.218 Like, if I'm gonna watch a civil-rights movie, 87 00:05:52.318 --> 00:05:55.855 I got to warm up first, okay? 88 00:05:55.922 --> 00:05:59.859 'Cause if I don't, by the end of that movie, 89 00:05:59.926 --> 00:06:02.662 I'm starring in my own off-Broadway show, 90 00:06:02.729 --> 00:06:05.765 "Guess I'm Cussing Out White People at Trader Joe's Today." 91 00:06:14.774 --> 00:06:17.210 Got good reviews in "The Times," you know? 92 00:06:19.846 --> 00:06:21.781 That's why I think we have to train 93 00:06:21.881 --> 00:06:24.450 in order to watch civil-rights movies, you know? 94 00:06:24.550 --> 00:06:27.387 We got to train the way runners do, right? 95 00:06:27.453 --> 00:06:29.288 Like, if you want to become a runner, 96 00:06:29.389 --> 00:06:32.859 you do a Couch to 5K program. 97 00:06:34.794 --> 00:06:37.630 We should do that for watching civil-rights movies, you know? 98 00:06:37.730 --> 00:06:40.800 Like, the first week, all we're watching -- 99 00:06:40.900 --> 00:06:42.568 "Space Jam." 100 00:06:45.304 --> 00:06:47.306 That's it. 101 00:06:47.407 --> 00:06:50.376 Just seeing what the Tune Squad is up to. 102 00:06:52.545 --> 00:06:54.714 The next week, "Bring It On." 103 00:06:54.781 --> 00:06:57.283 Okay, okay, okay. 104 00:06:57.383 --> 00:06:59.051 Okay. 105 00:07:01.487 --> 00:07:03.790 We're just dealing with stolen dance moves? 106 00:07:03.890 --> 00:07:06.492 I can handle that. 107 00:07:06.592 --> 00:07:08.928 And then the next week, "Save the Last Dance." 108 00:07:08.995 --> 00:07:10.296 Alright, alright. 109 00:07:12.965 --> 00:07:14.267 Okay. 110 00:07:14.333 --> 00:07:15.768 We're gonna pretend this white lady 111 00:07:15.835 --> 00:07:19.105 got into Juilliard with these wack-ass dance moves. 112 00:07:22.975 --> 00:07:23.976 Heavy on my heart. 113 00:07:24.076 --> 00:07:25.745 I'm like, "No!" 114 00:07:27.647 --> 00:07:29.348 Ooh, remember when she did that tiny jump? 115 00:07:29.449 --> 00:07:31.184 It was just like... 116 00:07:38.458 --> 00:07:40.126 That's a mess! 117 00:07:44.197 --> 00:07:45.932 But they keep making those civil rights 118 00:07:45.998 --> 00:07:47.800 and slavery movies, right, don't they? 119 00:07:47.867 --> 00:07:50.670 They're just cranking them out. 120 00:07:50.770 --> 00:07:53.940 Underground railroad -- bang. 121 00:07:54.006 --> 00:07:57.376 Being the only Black kid at a spelling bee -- bang. 122 00:07:59.378 --> 00:08:02.815 Like, they have the budget to make all of these movies, 123 00:08:02.882 --> 00:08:06.519 all these sad-ass Black movies, but whenever we're like, 124 00:08:06.619 --> 00:08:07.720 "What about our reparations, though?" 125 00:08:07.820 --> 00:08:09.789 They're like, "No phone. Who dis?" 126 00:08:12.124 --> 00:08:15.962 Like, just give us the cash! 127 00:08:22.835 --> 00:08:26.305 We want our reparations. 128 00:08:28.908 --> 00:08:33.212 We want unmarked bills in a duffel bag. 129 00:08:36.549 --> 00:08:40.753 It's 2021, and we're still waiting on that. 130 00:08:40.853 --> 00:08:44.490 Now, there are obvious reasons for that, you know -- 131 00:08:44.557 --> 00:08:49.161 racism, the government, folks don't want to acknowledge 132 00:08:49.228 --> 00:08:51.697 that enslaved people helped build this country. 133 00:08:51.764 --> 00:08:53.499 You know? -Mm-hmm. 134 00:08:57.036 --> 00:08:59.372 Mm-hmm. 135 00:09:02.508 --> 00:09:04.243 That is the Bat-Signal for Viola. 136 00:09:04.343 --> 00:09:06.279 She was like, "You need me?" 137 00:09:21.260 --> 00:09:25.464 But also, you know, we as Black people have not come 138 00:09:25.565 --> 00:09:28.601 to a group consensus about what we want, 139 00:09:28.701 --> 00:09:30.603 and that's understandable. 140 00:09:30.703 --> 00:09:32.204 It's a big deal, you know? 141 00:09:32.271 --> 00:09:34.373 Like, have you guys ever tried to plan a lunch 142 00:09:34.440 --> 00:09:36.108 for eight people? 143 00:09:39.111 --> 00:09:42.615 You turn into a hostage negotiator, you know? 144 00:09:46.385 --> 00:09:49.722 You're like, "Ma'am, ma'am, 145 00:09:49.789 --> 00:09:53.492 I'm gonna need you to step away from the Grubhub. 146 00:09:53.593 --> 00:09:56.762 sweetgreens is on its way. Ma'am." 147 00:09:59.265 --> 00:10:03.669 So if something as simple as ordering lunch is tough to do, 148 00:10:03.769 --> 00:10:06.105 then of course it makes sense that not all 149 00:10:06.172 --> 00:10:08.140 Black people are on the same page 150 00:10:08.240 --> 00:10:11.777 about what we want our reparations to be. 151 00:10:11.844 --> 00:10:12.979 You know? 152 00:10:13.079 --> 00:10:16.616 Like, some people want holidays. 153 00:10:16.682 --> 00:10:20.186 Some people want the cash. 154 00:10:20.286 --> 00:10:23.456 And then there are those people I hate -- 155 00:10:23.522 --> 00:10:26.192 those militant Black dudes on the street 156 00:10:26.292 --> 00:10:27.860 who are like, 157 00:10:27.960 --> 00:10:31.330 "The white man hasn't repaid us for what he stole. 158 00:10:31.430 --> 00:10:33.432 I want my 40 acres and a mule." 159 00:10:33.499 --> 00:10:35.134 And I'm like, "Shut up! 160 00:10:35.201 --> 00:10:38.471 Shut the fuck up!" 161 00:10:44.610 --> 00:10:46.512 I don't want 40 acres and a mule. 162 00:10:46.612 --> 00:10:48.814 That is too much work. 163 00:10:51.183 --> 00:10:55.121 I can't do Summer Fridays when I have 40 acres and a mule. 164 00:11:00.226 --> 00:11:02.795 These militant Black dudes, they are ruining everything 165 00:11:02.862 --> 00:11:05.364 'cause they're so loud. 166 00:11:05.464 --> 00:11:08.534 They're gonna screw it all up for all of us. 167 00:11:08.634 --> 00:11:13.139 Like, we got to stop them from blabbing their mouths, okay? 168 00:11:13.205 --> 00:11:15.141 Like, the next time we see one on the street, 169 00:11:15.207 --> 00:11:18.010 just talking about their 40 acres and a mule, 170 00:11:18.077 --> 00:11:20.980 we got to just chloroform the shit out that motherfucker. 171 00:11:21.047 --> 00:11:22.848 "Swipe. Sleep. 172 00:11:22.915 --> 00:11:25.351 Sleep. Sleep." 173 00:11:35.361 --> 00:11:39.165 Now, that was just a directive 174 00:11:39.231 --> 00:11:41.333 for the Black people in the room. 175 00:11:46.605 --> 00:11:48.340 Just an FYI. 176 00:11:51.177 --> 00:11:52.878 I don't want no white people out here 177 00:11:52.945 --> 00:11:55.781 with a chloroform rag in their hand... 178 00:11:57.683 --> 00:12:00.920 ...unless they just use it on themselves. 179 00:12:01.020 --> 00:12:03.756 Just knock yourself out so I can walk by, 180 00:12:03.856 --> 00:12:05.624 take your bus pass and $30. 181 00:12:05.725 --> 00:12:07.393 Thank you. 182 00:12:10.696 --> 00:12:14.300 But for real, I don't want 40 acres and a mule. 183 00:12:14.400 --> 00:12:16.702 We got to update these reparations 184 00:12:16.769 --> 00:12:19.638 to stuff that's gonna benefit my life. 185 00:12:21.640 --> 00:12:25.611 Like, I want free Beyoncé concert tickets... 186 00:12:28.714 --> 00:12:33.986 ...and a Toyota Corolla with a fish tank in the back 187 00:12:34.086 --> 00:12:37.089 like this is "Pimp My Ride," okay? 188 00:12:39.725 --> 00:12:43.963 Xzibit hasn't worked since that show went off the air, 189 00:12:44.063 --> 00:12:47.666 so this is not only a reboot but job creation. 190 00:12:49.769 --> 00:12:51.670 I'm a politician now, okay? 191 00:12:55.741 --> 00:12:59.912 Brooklyn, make some no-o-o-o-o-o-o-ise. 192 00:13:05.117 --> 00:13:08.954 It feels so good to be out! 193 00:13:19.598 --> 00:13:24.270 'Cause I can't talk to him no more, you guys! 194 00:13:24.336 --> 00:13:29.141 I love him, but we quarantined for 15 months. 195 00:13:29.208 --> 00:13:33.679 Just day in, day out, constant exposure. 196 00:13:37.316 --> 00:13:38.551 Don't nobody want to live 197 00:13:38.651 --> 00:13:43.022 the Martin Scorsese cut of a relationship. 198 00:13:43.122 --> 00:13:46.892 We need to speed this up. 199 00:13:46.992 --> 00:13:48.194 And, look, I get it. 200 00:13:48.294 --> 00:13:51.230 No one was thriving during quarantine, okay? 201 00:13:51.330 --> 00:13:53.132 Like, if you live by yourself, 202 00:13:53.199 --> 00:13:54.667 I'm sure there were moments where you're like, 203 00:13:54.733 --> 00:13:57.469 "You know, it'd be nice to kick it with someone." 204 00:13:57.536 --> 00:13:58.871 That's real. 205 00:13:58.971 --> 00:14:01.040 I acknowledge that. 206 00:14:01.140 --> 00:14:05.978 But what's also real is that 207 00:14:06.045 --> 00:14:08.581 if you quarantine with another person, 208 00:14:08.681 --> 00:14:14.320 sometimes you just wanted them to shut the fuck up! 209 00:14:20.659 --> 00:14:24.163 Hell, I wanted me to shut the fuck up, okay? 210 00:14:24.230 --> 00:14:29.435 I don't have 15 months' worth of things to say. 211 00:14:29.535 --> 00:14:31.503 At best, I have three weeks, 212 00:14:31.570 --> 00:14:34.206 and half of that is just me going, 213 00:14:34.273 --> 00:14:37.176 "Why hasn't Michael B. Jordan gotten me pregnant yet?" 214 00:14:43.749 --> 00:14:46.852 I'm still trying to fill out these A-cup bras. 215 00:14:48.954 --> 00:14:51.624 But when you're one-on-one for 15 months, 216 00:14:51.724 --> 00:14:53.726 there's nowhere to hide, right? 217 00:14:53.792 --> 00:14:58.364 All eyes are on you to help fill time with good conversation, 218 00:14:58.430 --> 00:15:01.033 and it made me wish I could talk to my boyfriend 219 00:15:01.100 --> 00:15:05.771 the way that I wrote my high-school term papers. 220 00:15:05.871 --> 00:15:10.709 'Cause when I had a paper due and nothing to say, 221 00:15:10.776 --> 00:15:14.246 I just highlighted everything in my Microsoft Word doc, 222 00:15:14.313 --> 00:15:18.083 blew that up to Helvetica size 24, 223 00:15:18.150 --> 00:15:21.053 and met the page requirement, right? 224 00:15:21.120 --> 00:15:23.289 But you can't do that in real life. 225 00:15:23.389 --> 00:15:25.457 In real life, all conversation 226 00:15:25.557 --> 00:15:32.731 is Times New Roman size 11 single-spaced. 227 00:15:38.304 --> 00:15:39.305 Now, don't get me wrong. 228 00:15:39.405 --> 00:15:40.906 I love my boyfriend. I do. 229 00:15:40.973 --> 00:15:43.642 He's my soul mate, my best friend. 230 00:15:43.742 --> 00:15:47.346 But during quarantine, he was giving me major, 231 00:15:47.446 --> 00:15:50.783 "Do you have a moment to talk about the environment?" 232 00:15:52.851 --> 00:15:55.287 You know those guys on the street with vests, 233 00:15:55.354 --> 00:15:59.858 holding clipboards, just getting in your way, 234 00:15:59.959 --> 00:16:02.194 asking you questions? 235 00:16:02.294 --> 00:16:03.662 That was my boyfriend. 236 00:16:03.762 --> 00:16:06.498 He was just tracking all over the apartment, okay? 237 00:16:06.598 --> 00:16:08.300 He was like, "Are you hungry? 238 00:16:08.367 --> 00:16:10.035 Want to order out? 239 00:16:10.135 --> 00:16:13.172 Do you want to watch a movie or play checkers? 240 00:16:13.272 --> 00:16:15.841 Hey, I'm just checking in. I want to see how your day is." 241 00:16:15.941 --> 00:16:21.380 And I was like, "Man, you have an uncut livestream feed 242 00:16:21.480 --> 00:16:23.849 of how my day is going." 243 00:16:26.652 --> 00:16:30.522 "Three farts, two poops. 244 00:16:30.622 --> 00:16:34.660 This is the most regular I have been in my life." 245 00:16:37.129 --> 00:16:39.164 But for real, I couldn't have gotten through quarantine 246 00:16:39.231 --> 00:16:40.866 without him, 247 00:16:40.966 --> 00:16:44.903 and it was mostly chill until the very end, 248 00:16:45.004 --> 00:16:47.706 when he got COVID. 249 00:16:47.806 --> 00:16:50.142 I know. When we got -- 250 00:16:52.511 --> 00:16:54.646 Did that sound disingenuous? 251 00:16:58.751 --> 00:17:02.087 I'm working on my intention behind my words. 252 00:17:04.390 --> 00:17:06.492 No, but, no, I was very stressed out. 253 00:17:06.558 --> 00:17:08.660 You know, when we got the official diagnosis, 254 00:17:08.727 --> 00:17:13.599 like 95% of me was like, "Oh, my God, no," 255 00:17:13.699 --> 00:17:19.605 but that 5% was like, "Ye-e-e-e-e-s! 256 00:17:19.705 --> 00:17:22.674 Alone ti-i-i-i-me!" 257 00:17:24.843 --> 00:17:28.414 So he had custody of the bedroom, 258 00:17:28.514 --> 00:17:33.419 and I slept on the living-room couch for three weeks. 259 00:17:33.519 --> 00:17:38.357 Y'all, when I packed to live in the living room... 260 00:17:45.464 --> 00:17:49.101 ...I packed like I was going on vacation 261 00:17:49.201 --> 00:17:51.637 to Tulum, okay? 262 00:17:53.539 --> 00:17:54.873 I hit up some of my girlfriends 263 00:17:54.940 --> 00:17:56.775 who were also isolating from their partners, 264 00:17:56.875 --> 00:18:01.046 and I was just like, "Girl, what you wearing?" 265 00:18:02.881 --> 00:18:07.252 "Are we going out, or are we going out-out? 266 00:18:07.319 --> 00:18:08.787 'Cause if we're only going out, 267 00:18:08.887 --> 00:18:13.258 I'm just bringing yoga pants and a Brené Brown book." 268 00:18:18.163 --> 00:18:22.134 But when Bae had COVID, 269 00:18:22.234 --> 00:18:24.570 it taught us a lot about ourselves. 270 00:18:24.636 --> 00:18:29.741 Like, I learned that I am a terrible caregiver. 271 00:18:31.910 --> 00:18:34.746 And I was shocked, okay? 272 00:18:40.752 --> 00:18:44.089 I was -- I swore, by the end of those three weeks, 273 00:18:44.156 --> 00:18:49.428 he was gonna write a letter to "The Kelly Clarkson Show" 274 00:18:49.495 --> 00:18:52.998 about my bravery, 275 00:18:53.098 --> 00:18:54.433 and as a reward, 276 00:18:54.500 --> 00:18:57.636 she was gonna give me a brand-new Kia Sorento. 277 00:19:00.038 --> 00:19:03.442 But that's not what had happened, y'all. 278 00:19:03.509 --> 00:19:05.210 And I tried. I really did. 279 00:19:05.310 --> 00:19:08.447 Like, in the beginning, I delivered his meals with, 280 00:19:08.514 --> 00:19:12.684 like, a spoken-word poem about how much I love him. 281 00:19:12.784 --> 00:19:15.954 I was just like, "Back when we met." 282 00:19:22.528 --> 00:19:27.299 But by the end of those three weeks, y'all, 283 00:19:27.366 --> 00:19:31.336 I was like a waitress in a diner at rush hour. 284 00:19:32.838 --> 00:19:36.341 I was just like, "No substitutions!" 285 00:19:37.976 --> 00:19:40.045 "I'm busy!" 286 00:19:42.681 --> 00:19:46.351 Y'all, he was my only customer, 287 00:19:46.418 --> 00:19:49.488 and I couldn't handle it. 288 00:19:49.555 --> 00:19:52.524 And I was shocked to learn that about myself, 289 00:19:52.591 --> 00:19:54.927 because I didn't think I was gonna learn anything 290 00:19:55.027 --> 00:19:56.995 in this relationship. 291 00:19:57.062 --> 00:19:58.697 I didn't. 292 00:20:01.333 --> 00:20:02.935 When I got into this relationship, 293 00:20:03.035 --> 00:20:07.573 I thought I was just gonna point out all his flaws, 294 00:20:07.673 --> 00:20:11.243 break him down as a person, 295 00:20:11.343 --> 00:20:14.713 and build him back up into the man of my dreams. 296 00:20:22.554 --> 00:20:28.126 But sometimes he pulls out a mirror and holds it up to me, 297 00:20:28.227 --> 00:20:33.432 and I'm like, "Where did you get this mirror from?" 298 00:20:39.638 --> 00:20:41.607 "Is Wayfair having a sale or something? 299 00:20:41.707 --> 00:20:43.375 What's up?" 300 00:20:47.045 --> 00:20:48.947 So I'm in therapy. 301 00:20:50.983 --> 00:20:54.486 I am the first Black person in my Black-ass family 302 00:20:54.586 --> 00:20:56.722 to go to therapy. 303 00:21:01.627 --> 00:21:06.565 Now, I'm not expecting to be put on a Black History Month stamp 304 00:21:06.632 --> 00:21:08.734 because of it, 305 00:21:08.800 --> 00:21:10.802 but I feel like this achievement deserves something. 306 00:21:10.902 --> 00:21:12.170 You know what I mean? 307 00:21:12.271 --> 00:21:13.739 -Yeah. -Yeah. 308 00:21:13.805 --> 00:21:17.276 Like, my portrait on a commemorative plate, 309 00:21:17.342 --> 00:21:22.080 a McDonald's scholarship fund named in my honor, 310 00:21:22.147 --> 00:21:25.784 Howard University dedicating a step routine to me. 311 00:21:29.421 --> 00:21:30.922 They're just like, 312 00:21:33.425 --> 00:21:35.527 Seasonal affective disorder!" 313 00:21:44.102 --> 00:21:46.638 I love therapy. I do. 314 00:21:46.705 --> 00:21:49.107 It's making me a better person. 315 00:21:49.174 --> 00:21:51.276 I have someone to talk to when I'm stressed out, 316 00:21:51.343 --> 00:21:54.513 which is great. 317 00:21:54.613 --> 00:21:58.550 I feel like my dad could use some therapy. 318 00:21:58.650 --> 00:22:01.153 Just so he has someone to talk to about his anxieties. 319 00:22:01.219 --> 00:22:02.521 You know what I mean? 320 00:22:02.621 --> 00:22:05.390 And if he doesn't want to do ther-ther, fine. 321 00:22:08.193 --> 00:22:09.328 That's "therapy." 322 00:22:09.394 --> 00:22:11.997 Um... 323 00:22:12.064 --> 00:22:14.299 He could at least write in a journal. 324 00:22:14.366 --> 00:22:15.801 You know what I mean? 325 00:22:15.867 --> 00:22:18.737 Jot down all his thoughts. 326 00:22:18.837 --> 00:22:22.374 Keep them to himself. 327 00:22:22.474 --> 00:22:24.409 But he doesn't do that. 328 00:22:24.509 --> 00:22:31.083 Instead, he sends group e-mails to the whole family, 329 00:22:31.183 --> 00:22:34.820 so now his thoughts are everybody's problems. 330 00:22:36.988 --> 00:22:41.393 Like, he loves sending us msn.com slide shows 331 00:22:41.493 --> 00:22:43.428 where you have to click through, 332 00:22:43.528 --> 00:22:47.733 like, 20 Activia yogurt ads 333 00:22:47.833 --> 00:22:51.169 before you can see the next slide, you know? 334 00:22:51.236 --> 00:22:52.604 It's just like, "Click, click, click, click, 335 00:22:52.704 --> 00:22:54.072 click, click, click. 336 00:22:54.172 --> 00:22:56.074 Oh. 337 00:22:56.174 --> 00:22:58.744 Hilary Swank is one of the top-10 celebrities 338 00:22:58.844 --> 00:22:59.911 who uses coupons." 339 00:23:00.011 --> 00:23:02.748 I'm like... They just come in. 340 00:23:02.848 --> 00:23:04.449 I get the notifications all the time. 341 00:23:04.549 --> 00:23:05.884 It's annoying. 342 00:23:05.951 --> 00:23:09.221 It's like, "Bing -- first it was toilet paper. 343 00:23:09.287 --> 00:23:12.190 Now we're running out of refrigerators." 344 00:23:14.025 --> 00:23:17.462 Bing -- "Here's the real reason why 'Entourage' star 345 00:23:17.562 --> 00:23:20.532 Adrian Grenier left Hollywood." 346 00:23:25.070 --> 00:23:26.938 Bing -- "Is it just me?" 347 00:23:27.038 --> 00:23:30.142 Yes, motherfucker, it's just you! 348 00:23:37.883 --> 00:23:40.786 The e-mail is coming from inside the house. 349 00:23:40.886 --> 00:23:43.955 It's you. 350 00:23:44.055 --> 00:23:46.258 Leave me alone, man. 351 00:23:48.126 --> 00:23:49.661 And I get that he means well 352 00:23:49.761 --> 00:23:51.129 and wants to have an open dialogue 353 00:23:51.229 --> 00:23:53.231 about any and everything, 354 00:23:53.298 --> 00:23:55.434 and I'm grateful to have a dad who likes to talk 355 00:23:55.500 --> 00:23:57.469 because not all dads are like that, 356 00:23:57.569 --> 00:24:01.006 but it's getting out of control, 357 00:24:01.106 --> 00:24:05.444 because the other morning, he put the entire family 358 00:24:05.510 --> 00:24:11.116 and my boyfriend on a group e-mail. 359 00:24:11.183 --> 00:24:16.087 The subject heading was in all caps, and it read, 360 00:24:16.154 --> 00:24:20.258 "SHOULD I TAKE TYLENOL, ADVIL, OR ASPIRIN?" 361 00:24:25.197 --> 00:24:27.432 Nothing in the body of the e-mail. 362 00:24:32.270 --> 00:24:33.638 I was like, "I don't know, dawg. 363 00:24:33.705 --> 00:24:36.441 If you don't know, I don't know. 364 00:24:36.508 --> 00:24:39.878 You are 61 years old and still worried about this? 365 00:24:39.978 --> 00:24:42.514 Go to therapy, man. 366 00:24:42.614 --> 00:24:44.683 Talk to a profesh." 367 00:24:49.721 --> 00:24:51.957 The therapy's been good for me. 368 00:24:52.023 --> 00:24:56.561 I feel like I've become a better partner, 369 00:24:56.661 --> 00:25:00.532 making my relationship with my boyfriend stronger. 370 00:25:00.632 --> 00:25:05.070 Like, Bae and I just celebrated our four-year anniversary. 371 00:25:18.817 --> 00:25:20.018 You know I just got this hair 372 00:25:20.085 --> 00:25:23.989 'cause I'm just like, "Look. Look." 373 00:25:26.091 --> 00:25:28.426 Yeah, we celebrated our four-year anniversary. 374 00:25:28.527 --> 00:25:32.063 It ain't the honeymoon phase anymore, y'all. 375 00:25:32.163 --> 00:25:33.732 Like, we're not staying up till00 376 00:25:33.832 --> 00:25:36.868 in the morning, sharing feelings. 377 00:25:36.935 --> 00:25:40.605 At four years in, it's like "Orange Is the New Black." 378 00:25:40.705 --> 00:25:43.508 I'm just like, "Lights out, inmates!" 379 00:25:46.678 --> 00:25:49.748 "I'll see you tomorrow at commissary." 380 00:25:51.850 --> 00:25:53.518 "Leave me alone. 381 00:25:53.585 --> 00:25:55.287 Good night." 382 00:25:57.422 --> 00:26:00.058 I remember when he and I talked about moving in together. 383 00:26:00.125 --> 00:26:02.527 We were long-distance at the time, 384 00:26:02.594 --> 00:26:05.263 and when we had the conversation, 385 00:26:05.363 --> 00:26:08.199 I didn't really know what was happening. 386 00:26:10.402 --> 00:26:16.207 'Cause he has a smooth accent, so I just got caught up 387 00:26:16.274 --> 00:26:20.278 and didn't realize what I was agreeing to, okay? 388 00:26:20.378 --> 00:26:23.615 We were on FaceTime one night, and he goes, 389 00:26:23.715 --> 00:26:25.617 "You know, I travel all the time for work, 390 00:26:25.717 --> 00:26:27.285 so I think I'm just gonna save my money 391 00:26:27.385 --> 00:26:28.887 and give up my apartment," 392 00:26:28.954 --> 00:26:33.758 and I was like, "Suze Orman would love this decision!" 393 00:26:38.496 --> 00:26:41.099 And he was like, "Yeah, I'm just gonna give away all my stuff," 394 00:26:41.166 --> 00:26:43.969 and I was like, "Oh, he's philanthropic, too?" 395 00:26:46.571 --> 00:26:48.006 And then he goes, "Yeah, and when 396 00:26:48.106 --> 00:26:50.976 I'm not on the road working, I'll be here with you." 397 00:26:51.076 --> 00:26:53.812 And I was like, "Oh, my God. 398 00:26:53.912 --> 00:26:57.015 My boyfriend loves me so much 399 00:26:57.115 --> 00:27:01.186 that he wants to spend all his free time with me." 400 00:27:01.286 --> 00:27:05.490 And my friends were like, "You idiot. 401 00:27:05.590 --> 00:27:10.962 He just Jedi-mind-tricked you into moving into your place." 402 00:27:11.029 --> 00:27:14.499 And I was like, "Ohhhhhh." 403 00:27:15.333 --> 00:27:18.870 "Is that how colonialism started? 404 00:27:18.970 --> 00:27:21.706 No-o-o-o-o!" 405 00:27:28.947 --> 00:27:32.484 That's how Jamaica got caught up, y'all. 406 00:27:37.656 --> 00:27:43.361 So I've been colonized... 407 00:27:43.461 --> 00:27:45.363 by bad teeth and foreskin. 408 00:27:45.463 --> 00:27:46.698 -Ohh! -Ohh! 409 00:27:46.798 --> 00:27:49.034 "Ohhh!" 410 00:27:49.134 --> 00:27:50.502 You can't judge me. 411 00:27:50.568 --> 00:27:53.138 I'm standing in my truth, okay? 412 00:27:54.906 --> 00:27:57.976 Now, I know this isn't a life that Maya Angelou 413 00:27:58.043 --> 00:28:00.145 would've envisioned for me, okay? 414 00:28:03.148 --> 00:28:05.817 But still I rise. 415 00:28:14.392 --> 00:28:16.161 Keeping my head up. 416 00:28:17.862 --> 00:28:24.669 Now, this is my first experience with an uncircumcised peen, 417 00:28:24.736 --> 00:28:26.204 and I love it. 418 00:28:26.271 --> 00:28:29.040 It's great, you guys. 419 00:28:29.107 --> 00:28:31.109 I know it's not common here in America, 420 00:28:31.209 --> 00:28:33.745 so people tend to freak out a little bit. 421 00:28:33.845 --> 00:28:35.547 Like, when I first started dating him, 422 00:28:35.613 --> 00:28:37.048 and I told some of my friends about it. 423 00:28:37.115 --> 00:28:38.616 I was like, "Oh, I'm dating this British guy. 424 00:28:38.717 --> 00:28:41.920 It's new, but I think it could be something special." 425 00:28:42.020 --> 00:28:43.354 And some of them were just like, 426 00:28:43.421 --> 00:28:48.727 "Girl, you need to do a Google Image search..." 427 00:28:50.528 --> 00:28:53.431 "...to see what you're about to get yourself into." 428 00:28:53.531 --> 00:28:56.568 And I was like, "I'm not wasting my LTE on this. 429 00:28:56.634 --> 00:28:59.771 It's fine." 430 00:28:59.871 --> 00:29:02.307 Like, who's uncircumcised here? 431 00:29:05.210 --> 00:29:10.715 I'm just collecting data for my census report 432 00:29:10.782 --> 00:29:14.085 to give to the Biden administration. 433 00:29:14.152 --> 00:29:16.788 Really, no one? Just my boyfriend? 434 00:29:16.888 --> 00:29:18.890 My boyfriend is the only one with a dick 435 00:29:18.957 --> 00:29:21.459 that looks like Steve Jobs pulling on a turtleneck? 436 00:29:21.559 --> 00:29:22.994 Okay. 437 00:29:25.296 --> 00:29:27.298 Great PowerPoint presentations. 438 00:29:27.398 --> 00:29:29.100 That's all I'm saying. 439 00:29:31.069 --> 00:29:33.471 For real, though, an uncircumcised peen, 440 00:29:33.571 --> 00:29:36.174 it's not that big of a deal. 441 00:29:36.274 --> 00:29:41.246 All it is, is an unexpected houseguest, okay? 442 00:29:43.181 --> 00:29:47.752 You're throwing a party, you invite a friend, 443 00:29:47.819 --> 00:29:51.489 and they bring someone that you didn't know about. 444 00:29:51.589 --> 00:29:53.858 And at first you're kind of annoyed, 445 00:29:53.958 --> 00:29:55.927 but then you see that person has Stacy's Pita Chips, 446 00:29:55.994 --> 00:29:58.463 so you're like, "Alright, come right on in." 447 00:30:05.436 --> 00:30:06.838 I'm not turning down Stacy's. 448 00:30:06.938 --> 00:30:08.640 That's a quality chip. 449 00:30:12.143 --> 00:30:14.712 But dating bae for this long has me thinking 450 00:30:14.813 --> 00:30:18.550 that we have to stop circumcising baby boys, okay? 451 00:30:18.650 --> 00:30:21.152 It's just a very aggressive thing to do 452 00:30:21.219 --> 00:30:23.388 to a baby that's coming into the world, 453 00:30:23.488 --> 00:30:25.623 and I believe they should be able to make their own choices 454 00:30:25.690 --> 00:30:27.225 about what they want to do with their bodies. 455 00:30:27.325 --> 00:30:28.693 You know what I mean? 456 00:30:28.793 --> 00:30:32.197 Like, I remember when my dad told me, he was like, 457 00:30:32.297 --> 00:30:33.565 "When you were a baby, 458 00:30:33.665 --> 00:30:37.035 your grandma wanted to pierce your ears, 459 00:30:37.135 --> 00:30:38.403 and I put my foot down. 460 00:30:38.503 --> 00:30:39.871 I said, 'No. 461 00:30:39.971 --> 00:30:42.373 I'm raising my daughter to be a feminist, 462 00:30:42.473 --> 00:30:44.042 and she's not gonna get anything pierced 463 00:30:44.142 --> 00:30:45.310 unless she wants it pierced. 464 00:30:45.376 --> 00:30:48.179 She has control over her own body.'" 465 00:30:53.084 --> 00:30:54.052 I mean, that's dope. 466 00:30:54.152 --> 00:30:56.387 I love that he said that. 467 00:30:56.487 --> 00:31:01.159 However, when my brother was born, 468 00:31:01.226 --> 00:31:05.230 just fresh out the oven, he was like, 469 00:31:05.330 --> 00:31:07.198 "Ugh, cut that shit off!" 470 00:31:10.201 --> 00:31:14.772 So that's okay, but taking me to Claire's is a bridge too far. 471 00:31:14.873 --> 00:31:16.541 Is that...? 472 00:31:19.344 --> 00:31:24.282 I'm just saying, we got to stop circumcising baby boys, 473 00:31:24.382 --> 00:31:26.784 and I tell some of my friends this, 474 00:31:26.885 --> 00:31:28.453 and a couple of them said, "Well, you know, Phoebe, 475 00:31:28.553 --> 00:31:31.089 part of the reason why we circumcise guys here 476 00:31:31.189 --> 00:31:34.125 is that it's just easier to clean a penis that way," 477 00:31:34.225 --> 00:31:37.929 and I was like, "What?" 478 00:31:38.029 --> 00:31:42.033 Who hasn't been cleaning their dicks?" 479 00:31:44.068 --> 00:31:50.541 Is the bar so low for American men 480 00:31:50.608 --> 00:31:54.279 that they can't be trusted to clean their own penises? 481 00:31:57.482 --> 00:31:58.917 It's not like a Brita filter 482 00:31:58.983 --> 00:32:03.154 that we all have in our fridge and never swap out. 483 00:32:03.254 --> 00:32:05.123 It's your dick. It's attached to you. 484 00:32:05.223 --> 00:32:07.458 This is my TED Talk. It's called "Clean Your Dick." 485 00:32:07.558 --> 00:32:09.260 What are we doing? 486 00:32:16.634 --> 00:32:18.803 All you got to do is dip the tip 487 00:32:18.903 --> 00:32:24.442 in a bottle of Dr. Bronner's and keep it moving. 488 00:32:32.817 --> 00:32:34.652 Seriously, it's not that difficult 489 00:32:34.752 --> 00:32:36.154 to clean an uncircumcised penis, 490 00:32:36.254 --> 00:32:38.489 and I know this because my boyfriend and I, 491 00:32:38.589 --> 00:32:41.292 we take showers together sometimes. 492 00:32:41.359 --> 00:32:45.663 And I got to tell ya, he's nailing it. 493 00:32:45.763 --> 00:32:49.701 Okay, he is a Hall of Famer at this point, alright? 494 00:32:49.801 --> 00:32:52.770 My boyfriend cleans his dick 495 00:32:52.837 --> 00:32:56.274 like he is polishing a family heirloom. 496 00:32:59.043 --> 00:33:00.511 Okay? 497 00:33:00.611 --> 00:33:06.718 He has the white gloves on, the jeweler magnifying glass, 498 00:33:06.818 --> 00:33:08.519 an appraiser from "Antiques Roadshow" 499 00:33:08.619 --> 00:33:12.690 is just off to the side, giving a thumbs-up. 500 00:33:18.229 --> 00:33:19.397 Like I said, bae and I, 501 00:33:19.497 --> 00:33:22.467 we're constantly learning about each other, 502 00:33:22.533 --> 00:33:24.168 and another thing I learned about him 503 00:33:24.235 --> 00:33:28.673 is he's a sweaty dude, which is fine. 504 00:33:28.740 --> 00:33:29.874 I'm a sweaty gal. 505 00:33:29.974 --> 00:33:32.643 We found love in a hopeless place. 506 00:33:32.710 --> 00:33:35.079 Thank you, Rihanna. 507 00:33:35.179 --> 00:33:38.349 And he's always trying to find ways to be comfortable, 508 00:33:38.416 --> 00:33:40.885 and I don't want to judge his process, 509 00:33:40.985 --> 00:33:44.222 but I think it's getting out of hand 510 00:33:44.322 --> 00:33:46.724 because I caught him in the bathroom one time 511 00:33:46.824 --> 00:33:50.228 after taking a shower like this. 512 00:33:51.863 --> 00:33:53.264 And what he was doing 513 00:33:53.364 --> 00:33:55.566 is he had a bottle of Gold Bond powder in his hand, 514 00:33:55.666 --> 00:33:58.903 and he was dumping it all over his crotch 515 00:33:59.003 --> 00:34:00.238 so that, throughout the day, 516 00:34:00.338 --> 00:34:01.873 the powder would absorb the sweat, 517 00:34:01.939 --> 00:34:03.908 and he'd be comfortable, alright? 518 00:34:04.008 --> 00:34:07.245 So he saw me and was like, "Oh, hey," 519 00:34:07.345 --> 00:34:09.781 and he went right back to it. 520 00:34:12.417 --> 00:34:15.920 And I was like, "Uh...we need to unpack this. 521 00:34:16.020 --> 00:34:19.223 What is going on?" 522 00:34:19.290 --> 00:34:21.893 And he goes, "Oh, everyone does this," 523 00:34:21.959 --> 00:34:24.362 and he goes right back to it. 524 00:34:26.531 --> 00:34:29.100 And I was like, "Mm, 525 00:34:29.200 --> 00:34:31.569 I don't think this has swept the nashe." 526 00:34:31.636 --> 00:34:33.871 You know what I mean? 527 00:34:33.938 --> 00:34:35.406 This isn't "Despacito." 528 00:34:35.473 --> 00:34:38.242 I don't think... 529 00:34:38.309 --> 00:34:42.713 everyone is just furiously powdering their balls. 530 00:34:42.780 --> 00:34:46.584 But all I could think as he was going to town was, 531 00:34:46.651 --> 00:34:49.887 "Why don't you season your food..." 532 00:34:58.996 --> 00:35:02.300 "...the way you season your dick?" 533 00:35:05.803 --> 00:35:07.138 Like, weren't your people 534 00:35:07.238 --> 00:35:10.741 involved in a spice trade or something? 535 00:35:11.242 --> 00:35:14.412 Didn't pick up any paprika along the way? 536 00:35:14.479 --> 00:35:16.114 No? 537 00:35:18.249 --> 00:35:21.352 But, y'all, this is my soul mate, 538 00:35:21.452 --> 00:35:25.990 and he uses so much powder that he gets it all over the floor, 539 00:35:26.090 --> 00:35:28.493 and then he steps in it, 540 00:35:28.593 --> 00:35:34.799 so we have Gold Bond ball-powder footprints 541 00:35:34.866 --> 00:35:38.269 all over the apartment. 542 00:35:39.537 --> 00:35:42.640 It's like living with a "Home Alone" villain, y'all. 543 00:35:46.144 --> 00:35:48.679 I don't get it, but I don't want to say anything to him. 544 00:35:48.779 --> 00:35:50.515 We try not to nag each other. 545 00:35:50.615 --> 00:35:54.785 We want our apartment to be very boho and chill, you know? 546 00:35:54.852 --> 00:35:58.723 Like, for instance, we like to sit on our furniture naked. 547 00:35:58.823 --> 00:36:00.725 We paid for it. It's ours. 548 00:36:00.825 --> 00:36:02.793 Cool. Right? 549 00:36:02.860 --> 00:36:06.998 Except you can't sit on the furniture naked 550 00:36:07.064 --> 00:36:11.536 if you've just powdered your balls! 551 00:36:20.578 --> 00:36:26.717 Y'all, it's like every chair he gets up from, 552 00:36:26.817 --> 00:36:31.055 he had, like, five seconds left to garnish a gingerbread house. 553 00:36:33.524 --> 00:36:38.663 I'm like, "Is Mary Berry in the closet, waiting to judge this? 554 00:36:38.729 --> 00:36:40.565 Who is this for?" 555 00:36:45.937 --> 00:36:49.907 I know I make a lot of jokes about my boyfriend -- 556 00:36:50.007 --> 00:36:54.345 'cause it pays the bills, heh-heh -- 557 00:36:54.412 --> 00:36:56.347 but he's amazing, okay? 558 00:36:56.414 --> 00:36:59.517 He's so smart and funny and wonderful, 559 00:36:59.584 --> 00:37:03.354 and we have a really great sex life. 560 00:37:10.361 --> 00:37:11.796 But all of that is him. 561 00:37:11.896 --> 00:37:15.066 None of it's me, okay? 562 00:37:15.132 --> 00:37:17.635 I am trash in bed. 563 00:37:17.735 --> 00:37:20.271 I am. 564 00:37:20.371 --> 00:37:23.374 And it's not gonna change, okay? 565 00:37:23.441 --> 00:37:24.575 I retired. 566 00:37:24.642 --> 00:37:28.212 My jersey's hanging in the rafters. 567 00:37:28.279 --> 00:37:29.981 I had a good run. 568 00:37:32.083 --> 00:37:37.288 But for real, my sex game, it needs a lot of work. 569 00:37:37.388 --> 00:37:40.057 Basically, my sex game is like -- 570 00:37:40.124 --> 00:37:43.160 Have you guys seen those workout videos 571 00:37:43.261 --> 00:37:46.964 where there's always that chick in the background 572 00:37:47.064 --> 00:37:49.934 who does the modified version... 573 00:37:53.738 --> 00:37:57.441 ...of every exercise? 574 00:37:57.508 --> 00:38:00.311 That's me in the bedroom, okay? 575 00:38:00.411 --> 00:38:03.948 My name is Carol, and I'm giving a solid 37%. 576 00:38:07.985 --> 00:38:10.988 Like, my favorite position is missionary, okay? 577 00:38:11.088 --> 00:38:14.325 I am tired! 578 00:38:14.425 --> 00:38:20.164 I need the lumbar support at my age. 579 00:38:20.264 --> 00:38:23.634 I just want to lie down and be like, "Tell me a tale. 580 00:38:23.701 --> 00:38:26.370 That's it." 581 00:38:28.839 --> 00:38:32.009 And bae, he just, um -- 582 00:38:32.109 --> 00:38:33.678 he wants me to, uh, participate. 583 00:38:33.778 --> 00:38:37.014 Um... 584 00:38:37.114 --> 00:38:39.717 And I'm like, "Great note. 585 00:38:39.817 --> 00:38:42.386 I'm gonna file that away for later." 586 00:38:44.288 --> 00:38:45.723 But whenever he says that, I'm just like, 587 00:38:45.823 --> 00:38:51.529 "Hon, I am the Rosa Parks of the bedroom, okay? 588 00:38:51.629 --> 00:38:54.665 I'm not getting up for any white man." 589 00:38:58.202 --> 00:39:02.473 "I don't know what you want me to do, babe." 590 00:39:02.540 --> 00:39:06.844 Now, I know that's bad team-player energy, right, 591 00:39:06.911 --> 00:39:08.713 'cause all he wants is for me to get on top. 592 00:39:08.813 --> 00:39:13.017 That's it, make that one subtle change. 593 00:39:13.084 --> 00:39:16.887 But I'm a nightmare on top. 594 00:39:16.987 --> 00:39:18.589 Like, whatever Megan Thee Stallion 595 00:39:18.689 --> 00:39:22.193 can do, I can't do. 596 00:39:22.259 --> 00:39:25.396 I'm just like, "Is this it? 597 00:39:25.496 --> 00:39:27.698 Is this it? 598 00:39:27.765 --> 00:39:30.167 Is this it?" 599 00:39:30.234 --> 00:39:32.336 And he's like, "None of that is it." 600 00:39:35.272 --> 00:39:37.575 And, y'all, even getting into position 601 00:39:37.675 --> 00:39:40.044 is a complete shitshow, okay? 602 00:39:40.111 --> 00:39:43.848 We are never set up for success. 603 00:39:43.914 --> 00:39:45.416 Like, whenever I go, "Alright, fine, 604 00:39:45.516 --> 00:39:47.051 I'll get on top," 605 00:39:47.118 --> 00:39:50.688 my boyfriend get so excited that he lies down on the bed, 606 00:39:50.755 --> 00:39:54.725 spread-eagle like this, 607 00:39:54.792 --> 00:39:57.728 and I'm like, "Close your legs!" 608 00:40:00.731 --> 00:40:03.734 "This is not 'American Ninja Warrior.'" 609 00:40:05.970 --> 00:40:08.773 "Why are you creating obstacles when I'm trying to have sex 610 00:40:08.873 --> 00:40:10.574 with you, you idiot?" 611 00:40:13.377 --> 00:40:16.981 So I have to, like, shove his legs closed, 612 00:40:17.081 --> 00:40:20.050 and then by the time I'm done dealing with his bullshit 613 00:40:20.117 --> 00:40:21.452 and I get on top, 614 00:40:21.552 --> 00:40:24.889 I'm immediately resting against the headboard. 615 00:40:28.826 --> 00:40:32.797 I'm just like, "Wo-o-o-o-w, 616 00:40:32.897 --> 00:40:36.767 the air up here is thi-i-i-i-n." 617 00:40:45.142 --> 00:40:46.811 I just start breathing heavy 618 00:40:46.911 --> 00:40:50.448 'cause I'm exhausted from the summit, 619 00:40:50.514 --> 00:40:54.485 and I didn't pack trail mix or a Clif Bar to get me through it. 620 00:40:54.585 --> 00:40:57.288 So, like, "Uhh! Uhh!" 621 00:40:57.354 --> 00:40:59.824 And at this point, I've wasted so much time 622 00:40:59.924 --> 00:41:03.327 that my legs start shaking. 623 00:41:03.427 --> 00:41:06.797 So now he has to take over, slide me down and up his dick, 624 00:41:06.864 --> 00:41:10.334 just down and up. 625 00:41:10.434 --> 00:41:14.171 I'm officially the heaviest Fleshlight on the market. 626 00:41:18.142 --> 00:41:19.877 And then when we're done, I just roll over 627 00:41:19.977 --> 00:41:22.313 'cause I need a Gatorade and an ice bath. 628 00:41:22.379 --> 00:41:24.381 It is... 629 00:41:24.482 --> 00:41:26.116 I'm just wrapping my knees 630 00:41:26.183 --> 00:41:29.220 like I'm Patrick Ewing from the '90s. 631 00:41:29.320 --> 00:41:32.122 Just like, "We'll get them next time, Coach." 632 00:41:43.834 --> 00:41:48.572 Let me tell y'all about the best night of my life. 633 00:41:54.044 --> 00:41:56.146 Y'all need to get your shit together. 634 00:41:59.350 --> 00:42:00.818 The best night of my life -- 635 00:42:00.885 --> 00:42:04.755 it's all because of the greatest first lady of all time. 636 00:42:12.563 --> 00:42:14.498 Y'all don't know who I'm gonna say. 637 00:42:16.433 --> 00:42:17.568 What if I said Melania? 638 00:42:17.668 --> 00:42:19.436 What would y'all have done then? 639 00:42:22.006 --> 00:42:25.843 "Lady Bird" Johnson? No? 640 00:42:25.910 --> 00:42:28.579 No, it's Michelle Obama. Of course, it's Michelle Obama. 641 00:42:34.084 --> 00:42:37.555 She asked me to moderate on her "Becoming" book tour, 642 00:42:37.621 --> 00:42:40.124 and -- yeah, thank you. 643 00:42:45.229 --> 00:42:46.530 And I couldn't believe it. 644 00:42:46.597 --> 00:42:50.067 Like, her asking me to moderate on her book tour 645 00:42:50.134 --> 00:42:53.270 is kind of like if Black History Month 646 00:42:53.370 --> 00:42:55.773 tried to get me pregnant on Kwanzaa. 647 00:42:55.873 --> 00:42:58.442 You know, just... 648 00:42:58.542 --> 00:43:01.812 Feels so pretty. 649 00:43:01.912 --> 00:43:03.981 I was so excited, okay? 650 00:43:04.081 --> 00:43:05.616 Actually, I was very thirsty. 651 00:43:05.716 --> 00:43:09.820 I was so desperate for her to like me, you know? 652 00:43:09.920 --> 00:43:15.225 Like, my energy around her was that of a single auntie 653 00:43:15.292 --> 00:43:20.731 at a cookout looking for fresh peen, okay? 654 00:43:20.798 --> 00:43:23.267 I was just like, "Do you like potato salad? 655 00:43:23.334 --> 00:43:24.768 Come with me! 656 00:43:24.835 --> 00:43:26.270 Ha-ha!" 657 00:43:29.406 --> 00:43:33.510 But even though I was thirsty, I still wanted to be profesh. 658 00:43:33.611 --> 00:43:35.479 I read her book forwards and backwards, 659 00:43:35.579 --> 00:43:38.248 wrote all my questions, studied her life for a week, 660 00:43:38.315 --> 00:43:42.086 picked out the perfect outfit to wear, and, most importantly, 661 00:43:42.152 --> 00:43:46.490 I picked out the perfect wig to wear for this occasion, 662 00:43:46.590 --> 00:43:48.792 because Michelle is one 663 00:43:48.859 --> 00:43:52.830 of the most-photographed people on the planet, right, 664 00:43:52.930 --> 00:43:56.500 and I can't stand next to her on stage 665 00:43:56.600 --> 00:43:59.837 wearing a busted-ass wig, 666 00:43:59.937 --> 00:44:04.308 looking like a low-budget Kerry Washington. 667 00:44:04.375 --> 00:44:06.010 I got to bring it for Meesh, okay? 668 00:44:06.110 --> 00:44:09.013 So I picked out the right wig to wear, 669 00:44:09.113 --> 00:44:11.181 and when I did that, it made me realize 670 00:44:11.281 --> 00:44:12.950 I don't always bring it for my boyfriend 671 00:44:13.017 --> 00:44:15.853 when it comes to my hair, you know? 672 00:44:15.953 --> 00:44:18.022 Sometimes it's looking cute. 673 00:44:20.557 --> 00:44:24.294 And other times, it's just, "Mm, well, this is all you got." 674 00:44:26.163 --> 00:44:29.233 Like, sometimes I'll just be rocking, like, raggedy cornrows 675 00:44:29.333 --> 00:44:31.702 for, like, eight weeks at a time. 676 00:44:31.802 --> 00:44:33.671 They start looking like that abandoned crop field 677 00:44:33.737 --> 00:44:36.407 in M Night Shyamalan's "Signs." 678 00:44:39.143 --> 00:44:42.813 Other times, I'm just wearing a floppy-ass sleeping cap 679 00:44:42.880 --> 00:44:46.884 and looking like the chef from "Ratatouille." 680 00:44:50.220 --> 00:44:52.389 But when I put that sleeping cap on, 681 00:44:52.489 --> 00:44:54.224 I like doing it because it lets bae know 682 00:44:54.324 --> 00:44:57.094 this is closed for business. 683 00:44:59.063 --> 00:45:00.898 Like, it's the perfect way to get out of sex. 684 00:45:00.998 --> 00:45:02.433 You know, I'm just like, "Oh, babe, 685 00:45:02.533 --> 00:45:03.734 I don't want to sweat my hair out." 686 00:45:03.834 --> 00:45:05.869 Sleeping cap on. Night-night. 687 00:45:05.936 --> 00:45:07.504 You know? 688 00:45:07.571 --> 00:45:10.607 And it got me thinking, what do white women do 689 00:45:10.708 --> 00:45:13.877 when they want to get out of sex, you know? 690 00:45:13.944 --> 00:45:16.847 Like, what's their go-to symbol, right? 691 00:45:16.914 --> 00:45:18.582 Like, they can't blame it on their hair 692 00:45:18.682 --> 00:45:21.552 'cause white women's hair is built like a ShamWow, you know? 693 00:45:23.554 --> 00:45:28.092 It's made to get wet and keep it moving, right? 694 00:45:28.192 --> 00:45:30.394 Like, I've seen many a damp ponytail 695 00:45:30.461 --> 00:45:34.531 just bopping around city, 696 00:45:34.598 --> 00:45:37.801 getting lattes, okay? 697 00:45:39.369 --> 00:45:43.273 So what do white women do when they want to get out of sex? 698 00:45:43.373 --> 00:45:46.910 Are they just like, "Hon, I wish I could have sex with you, 699 00:45:46.977 --> 00:45:50.481 but I spent all day practicing the 'Cups' song." 700 00:46:06.163 --> 00:46:09.066 "Sports injury, babe." 701 00:46:14.104 --> 00:46:16.473 Now, I've never been a white woman... 702 00:46:18.308 --> 00:46:20.644 ...but I'm pretty sure that theory checks out. 703 00:46:24.348 --> 00:46:26.150 Anyway, I have my wig together, 704 00:46:26.250 --> 00:46:29.920 and I ended up doing five shows with Michelle. 705 00:46:29.987 --> 00:46:31.488 It was amazing. 706 00:46:37.427 --> 00:46:39.029 And on the night of our last show, 707 00:46:39.129 --> 00:46:42.366 we were walking back to our individual dressing rooms. 708 00:46:42.466 --> 00:46:44.601 She goes, "You know, that was so fun. 709 00:46:44.668 --> 00:46:46.170 What are you doing later?" 710 00:46:46.270 --> 00:46:48.772 And I was like... 711 00:46:50.507 --> 00:46:53.844 ..."I don't know. 712 00:46:53.944 --> 00:46:56.680 What are you doing later?" 713 00:46:58.115 --> 00:47:00.350 And she goes, "Well, you know, since we're all staying 714 00:47:00.450 --> 00:47:03.821 at the same hotel in this city, and I have friends in from town, 715 00:47:03.887 --> 00:47:06.456 why don't we all just hang out in the lounge together?" 716 00:47:06.523 --> 00:47:09.126 And I was like, "Yeah, that sounds cool!" 717 00:47:13.697 --> 00:47:17.701 Like, not smooth at all, okay? 718 00:47:17.801 --> 00:47:22.039 So I race back to my hotel room, I start changing, 719 00:47:22.139 --> 00:47:24.074 and I'm immediately sort of psyching myself out. 720 00:47:24.174 --> 00:47:26.877 I'm like, "Oh, man, I don't think I belong. 721 00:47:26.977 --> 00:47:29.246 She's amazing. Her friends are gonna be amazing. 722 00:47:29.346 --> 00:47:32.349 I'm gonna embarrass myself. I just shouldn't go." 723 00:47:32.416 --> 00:47:37.554 And then I was like, "You can't ghost Michelle Obama." 724 00:47:37.654 --> 00:47:41.592 Like, that's not a thing that happens. 725 00:47:41.692 --> 00:47:42.926 So I was like, "Alright." 726 00:47:43.026 --> 00:47:44.761 I show up to the lounge, and as soon as I walk in, 727 00:47:44.862 --> 00:47:47.231 I see her with her friends, music's playing, 728 00:47:47.331 --> 00:47:48.565 everyone's having a good time, 729 00:47:48.665 --> 00:47:49.933 and, again, I'm psyching myself out. 730 00:47:50.033 --> 00:47:51.602 I'm like, "Oh, I should leave. 731 00:47:51.702 --> 00:47:53.503 I can't handle this," and I go and turn. 732 00:47:53.570 --> 00:47:56.840 And then I see the food spread. 733 00:47:59.276 --> 00:48:04.948 And I was like, "Oh, we about to be homeys." 734 00:48:08.385 --> 00:48:11.421 The food spread was just two things, okay? 735 00:48:11.521 --> 00:48:14.524 It was tequila... 736 00:48:14.591 --> 00:48:16.927 and grilled cheese sandwiches. 737 00:48:25.535 --> 00:48:27.571 I saw that, and I was like, 738 00:48:27.638 --> 00:48:34.745 "This bi- i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-tch." 739 00:48:36.914 --> 00:48:41.551 For eight years, she had us eating carrots and arugula. 740 00:48:47.724 --> 00:48:51.628 And she's just been eating yellow cheese this whole time?! 741 00:48:59.002 --> 00:49:00.737 But when I saw that, I got excited 742 00:49:00.804 --> 00:49:03.273 'cause that's what I like to eat sometimes after stand-up shows, 743 00:49:03.340 --> 00:49:06.310 so I was like, "Yas, yas-yas-yas." 744 00:49:06.410 --> 00:49:09.246 And then I was like, "No," 745 00:49:09.313 --> 00:49:13.016 'cause I am lactose intolerant. 746 00:49:14.785 --> 00:49:16.520 Yeah, I need a little bit of a heads-up 747 00:49:16.620 --> 00:49:18.956 if I'm gonna have dairy, okay? 748 00:49:19.022 --> 00:49:21.124 So I stood there, weighing my options. 749 00:49:21.191 --> 00:49:25.429 I was like, "Okay, okay. 750 00:49:25.495 --> 00:49:29.766 On one hand... 751 00:49:29.833 --> 00:49:31.835 I could just eat nothing 752 00:49:31.935 --> 00:49:36.106 and respect everyone's nostrils. 753 00:49:36.173 --> 00:49:39.376 That's an option. 754 00:49:39.476 --> 00:49:43.180 But on the other hand, how many times 755 00:49:43.280 --> 00:49:47.150 is Michelle Obama gonna have grilled cheese with me, right?" 756 00:49:47.217 --> 00:49:51.154 So I dove in, I grabbed a sandwich, I took a few bites, 757 00:49:51.221 --> 00:49:54.624 I let it sit in my stomach for several minutes. 758 00:49:54.691 --> 00:49:56.059 Nothing happened. 759 00:49:56.159 --> 00:50:00.530 I was like, "Okay, okay, okay, okay." 760 00:50:00.630 --> 00:50:01.865 I took a few more bites, 761 00:50:01.965 --> 00:50:04.067 and I let it sit for another several minutes, 762 00:50:04.167 --> 00:50:07.204 and nothing happened. 763 00:50:07.304 --> 00:50:09.806 I was like, "Oh, my God. 764 00:50:09.873 --> 00:50:14.644 Michelle Obama just cured my lactose intolerance!" 765 00:50:19.249 --> 00:50:21.585 This is literal Black Girl Magic. 766 00:50:21.685 --> 00:50:23.754 Fuck you, Harry Potter. 767 00:50:28.358 --> 00:50:30.927 So I got cocky and shoved the rest of the sandwich 768 00:50:31.028 --> 00:50:34.498 down my dumb face, and 10 minutes later, 769 00:50:34.564 --> 00:50:38.535 my stomach started bubbling, and I thought, 770 00:50:38.602 --> 00:50:42.939 "Oh, I can't fart in front of the first 771 00:50:43.040 --> 00:50:45.876 Black first lady, right?" 772 00:50:45.942 --> 00:50:51.281 Like, that's just disrespectful to all Black history, you know? 773 00:50:51.381 --> 00:50:54.451 Jackie Robinson. 774 00:50:54.551 --> 00:50:58.121 The Harlem Globetrotters. 775 00:50:58.221 --> 00:51:01.625 The original Aunt Viv from "Fresh Prince of Bel-Air." 776 00:51:06.430 --> 00:51:09.366 And it's not like I'm precious about passing gas. 777 00:51:09.433 --> 00:51:12.069 It's a natural bodily function, okay? 778 00:51:12.135 --> 00:51:14.204 But Michelle doesn't know me like that, 779 00:51:14.271 --> 00:51:17.107 so I don't want the fart to make it into the highlight reel 780 00:51:17.207 --> 00:51:21.445 of what she remembers about me. 781 00:51:21.545 --> 00:51:23.947 But for anyone else, if I got to let her rip, 782 00:51:24.047 --> 00:51:25.916 toot-toot, beep-beep, okay? 783 00:51:30.554 --> 00:51:36.293 Like, I have definitely farted during sex with my boyfriend, 784 00:51:36.393 --> 00:51:38.795 and not a tiny Betty Boop, "Ooh," 785 00:51:38.895 --> 00:51:43.300 where I could hide it, okay? 786 00:51:43.400 --> 00:51:45.735 I'm talking a full-on game of "Duck Hunt," 787 00:51:45.802 --> 00:51:48.472 just, "Pyow, pyow, pyow, pyow, pyow, pyow, pyow! 788 00:51:48.572 --> 00:51:51.408 Brrrrrrrat! Brrrrrrrrat! 789 00:51:51.475 --> 00:51:53.110 Why is that dog laughing? 790 00:51:53.176 --> 00:51:55.612 Bam, bam, pyow, pyow, pyow, pyow, pyow, pyow, pyow, pyow! 791 00:51:55.679 --> 00:51:57.414 Brrrrrrrrrat!" 792 00:52:00.417 --> 00:52:05.489 Just 50 clips of farts 793 00:52:05.589 --> 00:52:08.625 over my boyfriend's balls, 794 00:52:08.692 --> 00:52:10.861 powder flying everywhere. 795 00:52:16.366 --> 00:52:19.769 It's like LeBron James at the NBA finals. 796 00:52:24.441 --> 00:52:26.343 But I can't do that to Michelle Obama. 797 00:52:26.443 --> 00:52:29.012 She's too classy for that. 798 00:52:29.112 --> 00:52:31.848 So I did the only thing I could do in that moment. 799 00:52:31.948 --> 00:52:35.552 I just clinched my butt cheeks. 800 00:52:35.652 --> 00:52:40.190 Y'all, it was like Season 6 of "Game of Thrones," okay? 801 00:52:40.290 --> 00:52:43.193 I was just like, "Hold the door! 802 00:52:43.293 --> 00:52:46.463 Hold the door! Hodor! 803 00:52:46.530 --> 00:52:50.467 Hodo-o-o-o-o-r!" 804 00:53:01.311 --> 00:53:04.381 This went on for three hours. 805 00:53:05.582 --> 00:53:07.717 Mm-hmm. 806 00:53:07.817 --> 00:53:10.387 The party ends and then I race back to my hotel room 807 00:53:10.487 --> 00:53:11.721 and I go into the bathroom. 808 00:53:11.821 --> 00:53:15.058 I'm just like... 809 00:53:55.532 --> 00:53:57.133 I just let out like a three-minute 810 00:53:57.234 --> 00:54:01.871 Louis Armstrong jazz solo 811 00:54:01.938 --> 00:54:05.041 into my toilet bowl, 812 00:54:05.108 --> 00:54:07.811 and that's how I ended the best night of my life. 813 00:54:12.649 --> 00:54:14.951 This has been the best night of my life! 814 00:54:15.051 --> 00:54:17.454 Thank you guys so much!