1 00:00:02,000 --> 00:00:07,000 Downloaded from YTS.MX 2 00:00:08,000 --> 00:00:13,000 Official YIFY movies site: YTS.MX 3 00:00:19,519 --> 00:00:21,721 And now, everybody, put your hands together 4 00:00:21,821 --> 00:00:27,427 and give a warm welcome to Phoebe Robinso-o-o-o-n! 5 00:00:53,887 --> 00:00:57,757 Y'all ever be Black 6 00:00:57,857 --> 00:00:59,759 and date a white person from England, 7 00:00:59,859 --> 00:01:03,263 so basically they're OG white? 8 00:01:03,363 --> 00:01:07,400 Like, "powder wigs and stockings" white? 9 00:01:07,467 --> 00:01:09,602 Like, they have that tattoo across their stomach 10 00:01:09,702 --> 00:01:11,871 Tupac-style? 11 00:01:11,938 --> 00:01:13,206 But instead of saying "thug life," 12 00:01:13,273 --> 00:01:15,542 it just says "Wallace and Gromit"? 13 00:01:19,712 --> 00:01:23,483 Y'all ever be Black and date someone like that 14 00:01:23,583 --> 00:01:27,320 and then watch a civil-rights movie together? 15 00:01:30,757 --> 00:01:31,891 No? 16 00:01:31,958 --> 00:01:33,560 Just me? 17 00:01:33,626 --> 00:01:35,228 Don't recommend it, y'all. 18 00:01:35,295 --> 00:01:38,098 I don't. 19 00:01:38,164 --> 00:01:42,102 My boyfriend and I watched "Amistad." 20 00:01:42,168 --> 00:01:45,238 Mm-hmm. 21 00:01:45,305 --> 00:01:49,809 And by the end, I was staring at him 22 00:01:49,909 --> 00:01:52,946 like he was the captain of the ship, okay? 23 00:01:55,582 --> 00:01:58,151 Y'all, I swear, if it wasn't for that one shot 24 00:01:58,251 --> 00:02:01,354 of Djimon Hounsou's dick, 25 00:02:01,454 --> 00:02:04,023 my whole night would've been ruined, okay? 26 00:02:08,928 --> 00:02:12,332 It's hard out there for interracial couples like mine. 27 00:02:12,432 --> 00:02:13,967 It is. 28 00:02:14,033 --> 00:02:18,138 'Cause we only get two kinds of programming, 29 00:02:18,204 --> 00:02:19,939 either Black and white people 30 00:02:20,006 --> 00:02:25,445 making hot Lisa Bonet babies named Quinoa... 31 00:02:28,948 --> 00:02:31,151 ...or sad-ass movies about evil white men 32 00:02:31,217 --> 00:02:35,788 stealing jump ropes so Black people can't Double Dutch. 33 00:02:35,855 --> 00:02:37,457 There's no in between. 34 00:02:37,524 --> 00:02:40,994 It's just extremes, okay? 35 00:02:41,060 --> 00:02:43,830 Like, it's either Olivia Pope and President Fitz 36 00:02:43,897 --> 00:02:47,333 fucking in a broom closet... 37 00:02:51,704 --> 00:02:53,506 ...or it's just... 38 00:02:59,579 --> 00:03:01,714 And then it's just Viola Davis ugly crying 39 00:03:01,814 --> 00:03:05,418 and snot flying out of her nose. 40 00:03:05,518 --> 00:03:08,388 That's it. That's the whole movie. 41 00:03:08,488 --> 00:03:10,590 Just 90 minutes of the Mucinex guy 42 00:03:10,690 --> 00:03:13,860 just Silver Surfer-ing out her nostrils. 43 00:03:15,395 --> 00:03:18,598 It's too much, y'all, 'cause whenever bae and I 44 00:03:18,698 --> 00:03:21,534 are done watching these sad-ass civil-rights movies, 45 00:03:21,601 --> 00:03:24,504 he's filled with white guilt, you know? 46 00:03:24,571 --> 00:03:27,440 He starts trying to give me free iPhones and shit. 47 00:03:29,842 --> 00:03:33,246 I'm like, "Man, I already have an iPhone. 48 00:03:33,346 --> 00:03:35,515 You on my family plan." 49 00:03:40,887 --> 00:03:43,089 Meanwhile, I'm so mad at him 50 00:03:43,189 --> 00:03:47,093 about what Harriet Tubman went through 51 00:03:47,193 --> 00:03:49,195 that my pussy just turns into Gandalf 52 00:03:49,262 --> 00:03:50,763 from "Lord of the Rings." 53 00:03:50,863 --> 00:03:54,634 Just like, "You shall not pass!" 54 00:04:01,140 --> 00:04:03,443 It's too much. 55 00:04:03,543 --> 00:04:06,045 All bae and I want is to watch something 56 00:04:06,112 --> 00:04:08,648 with Black and white people in it 57 00:04:08,748 --> 00:04:13,786 that isn't racism 101 or artisanal Pornhub. 58 00:04:18,925 --> 00:04:21,761 That's what I call that Halle Berry movie, "Monster's Ball." 59 00:04:21,828 --> 00:04:25,965 That is artisanal Pornhub. 60 00:04:27,400 --> 00:04:30,103 And, look, I get the purpose of these movies about race. 61 00:04:30,169 --> 00:04:31,404 I do. 62 00:04:31,471 --> 00:04:33,139 We got to keep telling these stories, right, 63 00:04:33,239 --> 00:04:36,843 so we don't forget the people who fought for our freedom. 64 00:04:36,943 --> 00:04:38,011 I appreciate that. 65 00:04:38,111 --> 00:04:39,979 I'm grateful for it. 66 00:04:40,079 --> 00:04:43,516 But I can't do it anymore, y'all. 67 00:04:43,616 --> 00:04:47,820 Watching civil-rights movies is a young person's game. 68 00:04:47,920 --> 00:04:49,022 For real. 69 00:04:49,122 --> 00:04:50,990 Like, when I saw the movie "Selma," 70 00:04:51,090 --> 00:04:53,960 that audience was nothing but young white people 71 00:04:54,027 --> 00:04:57,764 in Patagonias 72 00:04:57,830 --> 00:05:03,303 and young Black people who don't need arch support, okay? 73 00:05:03,369 --> 00:05:04,804 They haven't marched. 74 00:05:04,871 --> 00:05:07,540 They have feet like Misty Copeland, just perfect. 75 00:05:09,776 --> 00:05:13,546 But when I saw "Paddington 2," 76 00:05:13,646 --> 00:05:17,050 that movie about the teddy bear in a raincoat, 77 00:05:17,150 --> 00:05:22,822 it was wall-to-wall old-ass Evelyns and Walters, okay? 78 00:05:25,458 --> 00:05:30,730 That theater smelled like butterscotch and disappointment 79 00:05:30,830 --> 00:05:32,398 over Aunt Sylvia's mac and cheese. 80 00:05:32,498 --> 00:05:36,536 It was old as fuck. 81 00:05:36,636 --> 00:05:38,004 And I get it. I do. 82 00:05:38,071 --> 00:05:41,007 They've lived too long. They've seen too much. 83 00:05:41,074 --> 00:05:44,477 All they can handle is a teddy bear in a raincoat. 84 00:05:44,544 --> 00:05:47,313 But I'm 36, and I can barely finish 85 00:05:47,380 --> 00:05:50,149 a civil-rights movie anymore. 86 00:05:50,216 --> 00:05:52,218 Like, if I'm gonna watch a civil-rights movie, 87 00:05:52,318 --> 00:05:55,855 I got to warm up first, okay? 88 00:05:55,922 --> 00:05:59,859 'Cause if I don't, by the end of that movie, 89 00:05:59,926 --> 00:06:02,662 I'm starring in my own off-Broadway show, 90 00:06:02,729 --> 00:06:05,765 "Guess I'm Cussing Out White People at Trader Joe's Today." 91 00:06:14,774 --> 00:06:17,210 Got good reviews in "The Times," you know? 92 00:06:19,846 --> 00:06:21,781 That's why I think we have to train 93 00:06:21,881 --> 00:06:24,450 in order to watch civil-rights movies, you know? 94 00:06:24,550 --> 00:06:27,387 We got to train the way runners do, right? 95 00:06:27,453 --> 00:06:29,288 Like, if you want to become a runner, 96 00:06:29,389 --> 00:06:32,859 you do a Couch to 5K program. 97 00:06:34,794 --> 00:06:37,630 We should do that for watching civil-rights movies, you know? 98 00:06:37,730 --> 00:06:40,800 Like, the first week, all we're watching -- 99 00:06:40,900 --> 00:06:42,568 "Space Jam." 100 00:06:45,304 --> 00:06:47,306 That's it. 101 00:06:47,407 --> 00:06:50,376 Just seeing what the Tune Squad is up to. 102 00:06:52,545 --> 00:06:54,714 The next week, "Bring It On." 103 00:06:54,781 --> 00:06:57,283 Okay, okay, okay. 104 00:06:57,383 --> 00:06:59,051 Okay. 105 00:07:01,487 --> 00:07:03,790 We're just dealing with stolen dance moves? 106 00:07:03,890 --> 00:07:06,492 I can handle that. 107 00:07:06,592 --> 00:07:08,928 And then the next week, "Save the Last Dance." 108 00:07:08,995 --> 00:07:10,296 Alright, alright. 109 00:07:12,965 --> 00:07:14,267 Okay. 110 00:07:14,333 --> 00:07:15,768 We're gonna pretend this white lady 111 00:07:15,835 --> 00:07:19,105 got into Juilliard with these wack-ass dance moves. 112 00:07:22,975 --> 00:07:23,976 Heavy on my heart. 113 00:07:24,076 --> 00:07:25,745 I'm like, "No!" 114 00:07:27,647 --> 00:07:29,348 Ooh, remember when she did that tiny jump? 115 00:07:29,449 --> 00:07:31,184 It was just like... 116 00:07:38,458 --> 00:07:40,126 That's a mess! 117 00:07:44,197 --> 00:07:45,932 But they keep making those civil rights 118 00:07:45,998 --> 00:07:47,800 and slavery movies, right, don't they? 119 00:07:47,867 --> 00:07:50,670 They're just cranking them out. 120 00:07:50,770 --> 00:07:53,940 Underground railroad -- bang. 121 00:07:54,006 --> 00:07:57,376 Being the only Black kid at a spelling bee -- bang. 122 00:07:59,378 --> 00:08:02,815 Like, they have the budget to make all of these movies, 123 00:08:02,882 --> 00:08:06,519 all these sad-ass Black movies, but whenever we're like, 124 00:08:06,619 --> 00:08:07,720 "What about our reparations, though?" 125 00:08:07,820 --> 00:08:09,789 They're like, "No phone. Who dis?" 126 00:08:12,124 --> 00:08:15,962 Like, just give us the cash! 127 00:08:22,835 --> 00:08:26,305 We want our reparations. 128 00:08:28,908 --> 00:08:33,212 We want unmarked bills in a duffel bag. 129 00:08:36,549 --> 00:08:40,753 It's 2021, and we're still waiting on that. 130 00:08:40,853 --> 00:08:44,490 Now, there are obvious reasons for that, you know -- 131 00:08:44,557 --> 00:08:49,161 racism, the government, folks don't want to acknowledge 132 00:08:49,228 --> 00:08:51,697 that enslaved people helped build this country. 133 00:08:51,764 --> 00:08:53,499 You know? -Mm-hmm. 134 00:08:57,036 --> 00:08:59,372 Mm-hmm. 135 00:09:02,508 --> 00:09:04,243 That is the Bat-Signal for Viola. 136 00:09:04,343 --> 00:09:06,279 She was like, "You need me?" 137 00:09:21,260 --> 00:09:25,464 But also, you know, we as Black people have not come 138 00:09:25,565 --> 00:09:28,601 to a group consensus about what we want, 139 00:09:28,701 --> 00:09:30,603 and that's understandable. 140 00:09:30,703 --> 00:09:32,204 It's a big deal, you know? 141 00:09:32,271 --> 00:09:34,373 Like, have you guys ever tried to plan a lunch 142 00:09:34,440 --> 00:09:36,108 for eight people? 143 00:09:39,111 --> 00:09:42,615 You turn into a hostage negotiator, you know? 144 00:09:46,385 --> 00:09:49,722 You're like, "Ma'am, ma'am, 145 00:09:49,789 --> 00:09:53,492 I'm gonna need you to step away from the Grubhub. 146 00:09:53,593 --> 00:09:56,762 sweetgreens is on its way. Ma'am." 147 00:09:59,265 --> 00:10:03,669 So if something as simple as ordering lunch is tough to do, 148 00:10:03,769 --> 00:10:06,105 then of course it makes sense that not all 149 00:10:06,172 --> 00:10:08,140 Black people are on the same page 150 00:10:08,240 --> 00:10:11,777 about what we want our reparations to be. 151 00:10:11,844 --> 00:10:12,979 You know? 152 00:10:13,079 --> 00:10:16,616 Like, some people want holidays. 153 00:10:16,682 --> 00:10:20,186 Some people want the cash. 154 00:10:20,286 --> 00:10:23,456 And then there are those people I hate -- 155 00:10:23,522 --> 00:10:26,192 those militant Black dudes on the street 156 00:10:26,292 --> 00:10:27,860 who are like, 157 00:10:27,960 --> 00:10:31,330 "The white man hasn't repaid us for what he stole. 158 00:10:31,430 --> 00:10:33,432 I want my 40 acres and a mule." 159 00:10:33,499 --> 00:10:35,134 And I'm like, "Shut up! 160 00:10:35,201 --> 00:10:38,471 Shut the fuck up!" 161 00:10:44,610 --> 00:10:46,512 I don't want 40 acres and a mule. 162 00:10:46,612 --> 00:10:48,814 That is too much work. 163 00:10:51,183 --> 00:10:55,121 I can't do Summer Fridays when I have 40 acres and a mule. 164 00:11:00,226 --> 00:11:02,795 These militant Black dudes, they are ruining everything 165 00:11:02,862 --> 00:11:05,364 'cause they're so loud. 166 00:11:05,464 --> 00:11:08,534 They're gonna screw it all up for all of us. 167 00:11:08,634 --> 00:11:13,139 Like, we got to stop them from blabbing their mouths, okay? 168 00:11:13,205 --> 00:11:15,141 Like, the next time we see one on the street, 169 00:11:15,207 --> 00:11:18,010 just talking about their 40 acres and a mule, 170 00:11:18,077 --> 00:11:20,980 we got to just chloroform the shit out that motherfucker. 171 00:11:21,047 --> 00:11:22,848 "Swipe. Sleep. 172 00:11:22,915 --> 00:11:25,351 Sleep. Sleep." 173 00:11:35,361 --> 00:11:39,165 Now, that was just a directive 174 00:11:39,231 --> 00:11:41,333 for the Black people in the room. 175 00:11:46,605 --> 00:11:48,340 Just an FYI. 176 00:11:51,177 --> 00:11:52,878 I don't want no white people out here 177 00:11:52,945 --> 00:11:55,781 with a chloroform rag in their hand... 178 00:11:57,683 --> 00:12:00,920 ...unless they just use it on themselves. 179 00:12:01,020 --> 00:12:03,756 Just knock yourself out so I can walk by, 180 00:12:03,856 --> 00:12:05,624 take your bus pass and $30. 181 00:12:05,725 --> 00:12:07,393 Thank you. 182 00:12:10,696 --> 00:12:14,300 But for real, I don't want 40 acres and a mule. 183 00:12:14,400 --> 00:12:16,702 We got to update these reparations 184 00:12:16,769 --> 00:12:19,638 to stuff that's gonna benefit my life. 185 00:12:21,640 --> 00:12:25,611 Like, I want free Beyoncé concert tickets... 186 00:12:28,714 --> 00:12:33,986 ...and a Toyota Corolla with a fish tank in the back 187 00:12:34,086 --> 00:12:37,089 like this is "Pimp My Ride," okay? 188 00:12:39,725 --> 00:12:43,963 Xzibit hasn't worked since that show went off the air, 189 00:12:44,063 --> 00:12:47,666 so this is not only a reboot but job creation. 190 00:12:49,769 --> 00:12:51,670 I'm a politician now, okay? 191 00:12:55,741 --> 00:12:59,912 Brooklyn, make some no-o-o-o-o-o-o-ise. 192 00:13:05,117 --> 00:13:08,954 It feels so good to be out! 193 00:13:19,598 --> 00:13:24,270 'Cause I can't talk to him no more, you guys! 194 00:13:24,336 --> 00:13:29,141 I love him, but we quarantined for 15 months. 195 00:13:29,208 --> 00:13:33,679 Just day in, day out, constant exposure. 196 00:13:37,316 --> 00:13:38,551 Don't nobody want to live 197 00:13:38,651 --> 00:13:43,022 the Martin Scorsese cut of a relationship. 198 00:13:43,122 --> 00:13:46,892 We need to speed this up. 199 00:13:46,992 --> 00:13:48,194 And, look, I get it. 200 00:13:48,294 --> 00:13:51,230 No one was thriving during quarantine, okay? 201 00:13:51,330 --> 00:13:53,132 Like, if you live by yourself, 202 00:13:53,199 --> 00:13:54,667 I'm sure there were moments where you're like, 203 00:13:54,733 --> 00:13:57,469 "You know, it'd be nice to kick it with someone." 204 00:13:57,536 --> 00:13:58,871 That's real. 205 00:13:58,971 --> 00:14:01,040 I acknowledge that. 206 00:14:01,140 --> 00:14:05,978 But what's also real is that 207 00:14:06,045 --> 00:14:08,581 if you quarantine with another person, 208 00:14:08,681 --> 00:14:14,320 sometimes you just wanted them to shut the fuck up! 209 00:14:20,659 --> 00:14:24,163 Hell, I wanted me to shut the fuck up, okay? 210 00:14:24,230 --> 00:14:29,435 I don't have 15 months' worth of things to say. 211 00:14:29,535 --> 00:14:31,503 At best, I have three weeks, 212 00:14:31,570 --> 00:14:34,206 and half of that is just me going, 213 00:14:34,273 --> 00:14:37,176 "Why hasn't Michael B. Jordan gotten me pregnant yet?" 214 00:14:43,749 --> 00:14:46,852 I'm still trying to fill out these A-cup bras. 215 00:14:48,954 --> 00:14:51,624 But when you're one-on-one for 15 months, 216 00:14:51,724 --> 00:14:53,726 there's nowhere to hide, right? 217 00:14:53,792 --> 00:14:58,364 All eyes are on you to help fill time with good conversation, 218 00:14:58,430 --> 00:15:01,033 and it made me wish I could talk to my boyfriend 219 00:15:01,100 --> 00:15:05,771 the way that I wrote my high-school term papers. 220 00:15:05,871 --> 00:15:10,709 'Cause when I had a paper due and nothing to say, 221 00:15:10,776 --> 00:15:14,246 I just highlighted everything in my Microsoft Word doc, 222 00:15:14,313 --> 00:15:18,083 blew that up to Helvetica size 24, 223 00:15:18,150 --> 00:15:21,053 and met the page requirement, right? 224 00:15:21,120 --> 00:15:23,289 But you can't do that in real life. 225 00:15:23,389 --> 00:15:25,457 In real life, all conversation 226 00:15:25,557 --> 00:15:32,731 is Times New Roman size 11 single-spaced. 227 00:15:38,304 --> 00:15:39,305 Now, don't get me wrong. 228 00:15:39,405 --> 00:15:40,906 I love my boyfriend. I do. 229 00:15:40,973 --> 00:15:43,642 He's my soul mate, my best friend. 230 00:15:43,742 --> 00:15:47,346 But during quarantine, he was giving me major, 231 00:15:47,446 --> 00:15:50,783 "Do you have a moment to talk about the environment?" 232 00:15:52,851 --> 00:15:55,287 You know those guys on the street with vests, 233 00:15:55,354 --> 00:15:59,858 holding clipboards, just getting in your way, 234 00:15:59,959 --> 00:16:02,194 asking you questions? 235 00:16:02,294 --> 00:16:03,662 That was my boyfriend. 236 00:16:03,762 --> 00:16:06,498 He was just tracking all over the apartment, okay? 237 00:16:06,598 --> 00:16:08,300 He was like, "Are you hungry? 238 00:16:08,367 --> 00:16:10,035 Want to order out? 239 00:16:10,135 --> 00:16:13,172 Do you want to watch a movie or play checkers? 240 00:16:13,272 --> 00:16:15,841 Hey, I'm just checking in. I want to see how your day is." 241 00:16:15,941 --> 00:16:21,380 And I was like, "Man, you have an uncut livestream feed 242 00:16:21,480 --> 00:16:23,849 of how my day is going." 243 00:16:26,652 --> 00:16:30,522 "Three farts, two poops. 244 00:16:30,622 --> 00:16:34,660 This is the most regular I have been in my life." 245 00:16:37,129 --> 00:16:39,164 But for real, I couldn't have gotten through quarantine 246 00:16:39,231 --> 00:16:40,866 without him, 247 00:16:40,966 --> 00:16:44,903 and it was mostly chill until the very end, 248 00:16:45,004 --> 00:16:47,706 when he got COVID. 249 00:16:47,806 --> 00:16:50,142 I know. When we got -- 250 00:16:52,511 --> 00:16:54,646 Did that sound disingenuous? 251 00:16:58,751 --> 00:17:02,087 I'm working on my intention behind my words. 252 00:17:04,390 --> 00:17:06,492 No, but, no, I was very stressed out. 253 00:17:06,558 --> 00:17:08,660 You know, when we got the official diagnosis, 254 00:17:08,727 --> 00:17:13,599 like 95% of me was like, "Oh, my God, no," 255 00:17:13,699 --> 00:17:19,605 but that 5% was like, "Ye-e-e-e-e-s! 256 00:17:19,705 --> 00:17:22,674 Alone ti-i-i-i-me!" 257 00:17:24,843 --> 00:17:28,414 So he had custody of the bedroom, 258 00:17:28,514 --> 00:17:33,419 and I slept on the living-room couch for three weeks. 259 00:17:33,519 --> 00:17:38,357 Y'all, when I packed to live in the living room... 260 00:17:45,464 --> 00:17:49,101 ...I packed like I was going on vacation 261 00:17:49,201 --> 00:17:51,637 to Tulum, okay? 262 00:17:53,539 --> 00:17:54,873 I hit up some of my girlfriends 263 00:17:54,940 --> 00:17:56,775 who were also isolating from their partners, 264 00:17:56,875 --> 00:18:01,046 and I was just like, "Girl, what you wearing?" 265 00:18:02,881 --> 00:18:07,252 "Are we going out, or are we going out-out? 266 00:18:07,319 --> 00:18:08,787 'Cause if we're only going out, 267 00:18:08,887 --> 00:18:13,258 I'm just bringing yoga pants and a Brené Brown book." 268 00:18:18,163 --> 00:18:22,134 But when Bae had COVID, 269 00:18:22,234 --> 00:18:24,570 it taught us a lot about ourselves. 270 00:18:24,636 --> 00:18:29,741 Like, I learned that I am a terrible caregiver. 271 00:18:31,910 --> 00:18:34,746 And I was shocked, okay? 272 00:18:40,752 --> 00:18:44,089 I was -- I swore, by the end of those three weeks, 273 00:18:44,156 --> 00:18:49,428 he was gonna write a letter to "The Kelly Clarkson Show" 274 00:18:49,495 --> 00:18:52,998 about my bravery, 275 00:18:53,098 --> 00:18:54,433 and as a reward, 276 00:18:54,500 --> 00:18:57,636 she was gonna give me a brand-new Kia Sorento. 277 00:19:00,038 --> 00:19:03,442 But that's not what had happened, y'all. 278 00:19:03,509 --> 00:19:05,210 And I tried. I really did. 279 00:19:05,310 --> 00:19:08,447 Like, in the beginning, I delivered his meals with, 280 00:19:08,514 --> 00:19:12,684 like, a spoken-word poem about how much I love him. 281 00:19:12,784 --> 00:19:15,954 I was just like, "Back when we met." 282 00:19:22,528 --> 00:19:27,299 But by the end of those three weeks, y'all, 283 00:19:27,366 --> 00:19:31,336 I was like a waitress in a diner at rush hour. 284 00:19:32,838 --> 00:19:36,341 I was just like, "No substitutions!" 285 00:19:37,976 --> 00:19:40,045 "I'm busy!" 286 00:19:42,681 --> 00:19:46,351 Y'all, he was my only customer, 287 00:19:46,418 --> 00:19:49,488 and I couldn't handle it. 288 00:19:49,555 --> 00:19:52,524 And I was shocked to learn that about myself, 289 00:19:52,591 --> 00:19:54,927 because I didn't think I was gonna learn anything 290 00:19:55,027 --> 00:19:56,995 in this relationship. 291 00:19:57,062 --> 00:19:58,697 I didn't. 292 00:20:01,333 --> 00:20:02,935 When I got into this relationship, 293 00:20:03,035 --> 00:20:07,573 I thought I was just gonna point out all his flaws, 294 00:20:07,673 --> 00:20:11,243 break him down as a person, 295 00:20:11,343 --> 00:20:14,713 and build him back up into the man of my dreams. 296 00:20:22,554 --> 00:20:28,126 But sometimes he pulls out a mirror and holds it up to me, 297 00:20:28,227 --> 00:20:33,432 and I'm like, "Where did you get this mirror from?" 298 00:20:39,638 --> 00:20:41,607 "Is Wayfair having a sale or something? 299 00:20:41,707 --> 00:20:43,375 What's up?" 300 00:20:47,045 --> 00:20:48,947 So I'm in therapy. 301 00:20:50,983 --> 00:20:54,486 I am the first Black person in my Black-ass family 302 00:20:54,586 --> 00:20:56,722 to go to therapy. 303 00:21:01,627 --> 00:21:06,565 Now, I'm not expecting to be put on a Black History Month stamp 304 00:21:06,632 --> 00:21:08,734 because of it, 305 00:21:08,800 --> 00:21:10,802 but I feel like this achievement deserves something. 306 00:21:10,902 --> 00:21:12,170 You know what I mean? 307 00:21:12,271 --> 00:21:13,739 -Yeah. -Yeah. 308 00:21:13,805 --> 00:21:17,276 Like, my portrait on a commemorative plate, 309 00:21:17,342 --> 00:21:22,080 a McDonald's scholarship fund named in my honor, 310 00:21:22,147 --> 00:21:25,784 Howard University dedicating a step routine to me. 311 00:21:29,421 --> 00:21:30,922 They're just like, 312 00:21:33,425 --> 00:21:35,527 Seasonal affective disorder!" 313 00:21:44,102 --> 00:21:46,638 I love therapy. I do. 314 00:21:46,705 --> 00:21:49,107 It's making me a better person. 315 00:21:49,174 --> 00:21:51,276 I have someone to talk to when I'm stressed out, 316 00:21:51,343 --> 00:21:54,513 which is great. 317 00:21:54,613 --> 00:21:58,550 I feel like my dad could use some therapy. 318 00:21:58,650 --> 00:22:01,153 Just so he has someone to talk to about his anxieties. 319 00:22:01,219 --> 00:22:02,521 You know what I mean? 320 00:22:02,621 --> 00:22:05,390 And if he doesn't want to do ther-ther, fine. 321 00:22:08,193 --> 00:22:09,328 That's "therapy." 322 00:22:09,394 --> 00:22:11,997 Um... 323 00:22:12,064 --> 00:22:14,299 He could at least write in a journal. 324 00:22:14,366 --> 00:22:15,801 You know what I mean? 325 00:22:15,867 --> 00:22:18,737 Jot down all his thoughts. 326 00:22:18,837 --> 00:22:22,374 Keep them to himself. 327 00:22:22,474 --> 00:22:24,409 But he doesn't do that. 328 00:22:24,509 --> 00:22:31,083 Instead, he sends group e-mails to the whole family, 329 00:22:31,183 --> 00:22:34,820 so now his thoughts are everybody's problems. 330 00:22:36,988 --> 00:22:41,393 Like, he loves sending us msn.com slide shows 331 00:22:41,493 --> 00:22:43,428 where you have to click through, 332 00:22:43,528 --> 00:22:47,733 like, 20 Activia yogurt ads 333 00:22:47,833 --> 00:22:51,169 before you can see the next slide, you know? 334 00:22:51,236 --> 00:22:52,604 It's just like, "Click, click, click, click, 335 00:22:52,704 --> 00:22:54,072 click, click, click. 336 00:22:54,172 --> 00:22:56,074 Oh. 337 00:22:56,174 --> 00:22:58,744 Hilary Swank is one of the top-10 celebrities 338 00:22:58,844 --> 00:22:59,911 who uses coupons." 339 00:23:00,011 --> 00:23:02,748 I'm like... They just come in. 340 00:23:02,848 --> 00:23:04,449 I get the notifications all the time. 341 00:23:04,549 --> 00:23:05,884 It's annoying. 342 00:23:05,951 --> 00:23:09,221 It's like, "Bing -- first it was toilet paper. 343 00:23:09,287 --> 00:23:12,190 Now we're running out of refrigerators." 344 00:23:14,025 --> 00:23:17,462 Bing -- "Here's the real reason why 'Entourage' star 345 00:23:17,562 --> 00:23:20,532 Adrian Grenier left Hollywood." 346 00:23:25,070 --> 00:23:26,938 Bing -- "Is it just me?" 347 00:23:27,038 --> 00:23:30,142 Yes, motherfucker, it's just you! 348 00:23:37,883 --> 00:23:40,786 The e-mail is coming from inside the house. 349 00:23:40,886 --> 00:23:43,955 It's you. 350 00:23:44,055 --> 00:23:46,258 Leave me alone, man. 351 00:23:48,126 --> 00:23:49,661 And I get that he means well 352 00:23:49,761 --> 00:23:51,129 and wants to have an open dialogue 353 00:23:51,229 --> 00:23:53,231 about any and everything, 354 00:23:53,298 --> 00:23:55,434 and I'm grateful to have a dad who likes to talk 355 00:23:55,500 --> 00:23:57,469 because not all dads are like that, 356 00:23:57,569 --> 00:24:01,006 but it's getting out of control, 357 00:24:01,106 --> 00:24:05,444 because the other morning, he put the entire family 358 00:24:05,510 --> 00:24:11,116 and my boyfriend on a group e-mail. 359 00:24:11,183 --> 00:24:16,087 The subject heading was in all caps, and it read, 360 00:24:16,154 --> 00:24:20,258 "SHOULD I TAKE TYLENOL, ADVIL, OR ASPIRIN?" 361 00:24:25,197 --> 00:24:27,432 Nothing in the body of the e-mail. 362 00:24:32,270 --> 00:24:33,638 I was like, "I don't know, dawg. 363 00:24:33,705 --> 00:24:36,441 If you don't know, I don't know. 364 00:24:36,508 --> 00:24:39,878 You are 61 years old and still worried about this? 365 00:24:39,978 --> 00:24:42,514 Go to therapy, man. 366 00:24:42,614 --> 00:24:44,683 Talk to a profesh." 367 00:24:49,721 --> 00:24:51,957 The therapy's been good for me. 368 00:24:52,023 --> 00:24:56,561 I feel like I've become a better partner, 369 00:24:56,661 --> 00:25:00,532 making my relationship with my boyfriend stronger. 370 00:25:00,632 --> 00:25:05,070 Like, Bae and I just celebrated our four-year anniversary. 371 00:25:18,817 --> 00:25:20,018 You know I just got this hair 372 00:25:20,085 --> 00:25:23,989 'cause I'm just like, "Look. Look." 373 00:25:26,091 --> 00:25:28,426 Yeah, we celebrated our four-year anniversary. 374 00:25:28,527 --> 00:25:32,063 It ain't the honeymoon phase anymore, y'all. 375 00:25:32,163 --> 00:25:33,732 Like, we're not staying up till00 376 00:25:33,832 --> 00:25:36,868 in the morning, sharing feelings. 377 00:25:36,935 --> 00:25:40,605 At four years in, it's like "Orange Is the New Black." 378 00:25:40,705 --> 00:25:43,508 I'm just like, "Lights out, inmates!" 379 00:25:46,678 --> 00:25:49,748 "I'll see you tomorrow at commissary." 380 00:25:51,850 --> 00:25:53,518 "Leave me alone. 381 00:25:53,585 --> 00:25:55,287 Good night." 382 00:25:57,422 --> 00:26:00,058 I remember when he and I talked about moving in together. 383 00:26:00,125 --> 00:26:02,527 We were long-distance at the time, 384 00:26:02,594 --> 00:26:05,263 and when we had the conversation, 385 00:26:05,363 --> 00:26:08,199 I didn't really know what was happening. 386 00:26:10,402 --> 00:26:16,207 'Cause he has a smooth accent, so I just got caught up 387 00:26:16,274 --> 00:26:20,278 and didn't realize what I was agreeing to, okay? 388 00:26:20,378 --> 00:26:23,615 We were on FaceTime one night, and he goes, 389 00:26:23,715 --> 00:26:25,617 "You know, I travel all the time for work, 390 00:26:25,717 --> 00:26:27,285 so I think I'm just gonna save my money 391 00:26:27,385 --> 00:26:28,887 and give up my apartment," 392 00:26:28,954 --> 00:26:33,758 and I was like, "Suze Orman would love this decision!" 393 00:26:38,496 --> 00:26:41,099 And he was like, "Yeah, I'm just gonna give away all my stuff," 394 00:26:41,166 --> 00:26:43,969 and I was like, "Oh, he's philanthropic, too?" 395 00:26:46,571 --> 00:26:48,006 And then he goes, "Yeah, and when 396 00:26:48,106 --> 00:26:50,976 I'm not on the road working, I'll be here with you." 397 00:26:51,076 --> 00:26:53,812 And I was like, "Oh, my God. 398 00:26:53,912 --> 00:26:57,015 My boyfriend loves me so much 399 00:26:57,115 --> 00:27:01,186 that he wants to spend all his free time with me." 400 00:27:01,286 --> 00:27:05,490 And my friends were like, "You idiot. 401 00:27:05,590 --> 00:27:10,962 He just Jedi-mind-tricked you into moving into your place." 402 00:27:11,029 --> 00:27:14,499 And I was like, "Ohhhhhh." 403 00:27:15,333 --> 00:27:18,870 "Is that how colonialism started? 404 00:27:18,970 --> 00:27:21,706 No-o-o-o-o!" 405 00:27:28,947 --> 00:27:32,484 That's how Jamaica got caught up, y'all. 406 00:27:37,656 --> 00:27:43,361 So I've been colonized... 407 00:27:43,461 --> 00:27:45,363 by bad teeth and foreskin. 408 00:27:45,463 --> 00:27:46,698 -Ohh! -Ohh! 409 00:27:46,798 --> 00:27:49,034 "Ohhh!" 410 00:27:49,134 --> 00:27:50,502 You can't judge me. 411 00:27:50,568 --> 00:27:53,138 I'm standing in my truth, okay? 412 00:27:54,906 --> 00:27:57,976 Now, I know this isn't a life that Maya Angelou 413 00:27:58,043 --> 00:28:00,145 would've envisioned for me, okay? 414 00:28:03,148 --> 00:28:05,817 But still I rise. 415 00:28:14,392 --> 00:28:16,161 Keeping my head up. 416 00:28:17,862 --> 00:28:24,669 Now, this is my first experience with an uncircumcised peen, 417 00:28:24,736 --> 00:28:26,204 and I love it. 418 00:28:26,271 --> 00:28:29,040 It's great, you guys. 419 00:28:29,107 --> 00:28:31,109 I know it's not common here in America, 420 00:28:31,209 --> 00:28:33,745 so people tend to freak out a little bit. 421 00:28:33,845 --> 00:28:35,547 Like, when I first started dating him, 422 00:28:35,613 --> 00:28:37,048 and I told some of my friends about it. 423 00:28:37,115 --> 00:28:38,616 I was like, "Oh, I'm dating this British guy. 424 00:28:38,717 --> 00:28:41,920 It's new, but I think it could be something special." 425 00:28:42,020 --> 00:28:43,354 And some of them were just like, 426 00:28:43,421 --> 00:28:48,727 "Girl, you need to do a Google Image search..." 427 00:28:50,528 --> 00:28:53,431 "...to see what you're about to get yourself into." 428 00:28:53,531 --> 00:28:56,568 And I was like, "I'm not wasting my LTE on this. 429 00:28:56,634 --> 00:28:59,771 It's fine." 430 00:28:59,871 --> 00:29:02,307 Like, who's uncircumcised here? 431 00:29:05,210 --> 00:29:10,715 I'm just collecting data for my census report 432 00:29:10,782 --> 00:29:14,085 to give to the Biden administration. 433 00:29:14,152 --> 00:29:16,788 Really, no one? Just my boyfriend? 434 00:29:16,888 --> 00:29:18,890 My boyfriend is the only one with a dick 435 00:29:18,957 --> 00:29:21,459 that looks like Steve Jobs pulling on a turtleneck? 436 00:29:21,559 --> 00:29:22,994 Okay. 437 00:29:25,296 --> 00:29:27,298 Great PowerPoint presentations. 438 00:29:27,398 --> 00:29:29,100 That's all I'm saying. 439 00:29:31,069 --> 00:29:33,471 For real, though, an uncircumcised peen, 440 00:29:33,571 --> 00:29:36,174 it's not that big of a deal. 441 00:29:36,274 --> 00:29:41,246 All it is, is an unexpected houseguest, okay? 442 00:29:43,181 --> 00:29:47,752 You're throwing a party, you invite a friend, 443 00:29:47,819 --> 00:29:51,489 and they bring someone that you didn't know about. 444 00:29:51,589 --> 00:29:53,858 And at first you're kind of annoyed, 445 00:29:53,958 --> 00:29:55,927 but then you see that person has Stacy's Pita Chips, 446 00:29:55,994 --> 00:29:58,463 so you're like, "Alright, come right on in." 447 00:30:05,436 --> 00:30:06,838 I'm not turning down Stacy's. 448 00:30:06,938 --> 00:30:08,640 That's a quality chip. 449 00:30:12,143 --> 00:30:14,712 But dating bae for this long has me thinking 450 00:30:14,813 --> 00:30:18,550 that we have to stop circumcising baby boys, okay? 451 00:30:18,650 --> 00:30:21,152 It's just a very aggressive thing to do 452 00:30:21,219 --> 00:30:23,388 to a baby that's coming into the world, 453 00:30:23,488 --> 00:30:25,623 and I believe they should be able to make their own choices 454 00:30:25,690 --> 00:30:27,225 about what they want to do with their bodies. 455 00:30:27,325 --> 00:30:28,693 You know what I mean? 456 00:30:28,793 --> 00:30:32,197 Like, I remember when my dad told me, he was like, 457 00:30:32,297 --> 00:30:33,565 "When you were a baby, 458 00:30:33,665 --> 00:30:37,035 your grandma wanted to pierce your ears, 459 00:30:37,135 --> 00:30:38,403 and I put my foot down. 460 00:30:38,503 --> 00:30:39,871 I said, 'No. 461 00:30:39,971 --> 00:30:42,373 I'm raising my daughter to be a feminist, 462 00:30:42,473 --> 00:30:44,042 and she's not gonna get anything pierced 463 00:30:44,142 --> 00:30:45,310 unless she wants it pierced. 464 00:30:45,376 --> 00:30:48,179 She has control over her own body.'" 465 00:30:53,084 --> 00:30:54,052 I mean, that's dope. 466 00:30:54,152 --> 00:30:56,387 I love that he said that. 467 00:30:56,487 --> 00:31:01,159 However, when my brother was born, 468 00:31:01,226 --> 00:31:05,230 just fresh out the oven, he was like, 469 00:31:05,330 --> 00:31:07,198 "Ugh, cut that shit off!" 470 00:31:10,201 --> 00:31:14,772 So that's okay, but taking me to Claire's is a bridge too far. 471 00:31:14,873 --> 00:31:16,541 Is that...? 472 00:31:19,344 --> 00:31:24,282 I'm just saying, we got to stop circumcising baby boys, 473 00:31:24,382 --> 00:31:26,784 and I tell some of my friends this, 474 00:31:26,885 --> 00:31:28,453 and a couple of them said, "Well, you know, Phoebe, 475 00:31:28,553 --> 00:31:31,089 part of the reason why we circumcise guys here 476 00:31:31,189 --> 00:31:34,125 is that it's just easier to clean a penis that way," 477 00:31:34,225 --> 00:31:37,929 and I was like, "What?" 478 00:31:38,029 --> 00:31:42,033 Who hasn't been cleaning their dicks?" 479 00:31:44,068 --> 00:31:50,541 Is the bar so low for American men 480 00:31:50,608 --> 00:31:54,279 that they can't be trusted to clean their own penises? 481 00:31:57,482 --> 00:31:58,917 It's not like a Brita filter 482 00:31:58,983 --> 00:32:03,154 that we all have in our fridge and never swap out. 483 00:32:03,254 --> 00:32:05,123 It's your dick. It's attached to you. 484 00:32:05,223 --> 00:32:07,458 This is my TED Talk. It's called "Clean Your Dick." 485 00:32:07,558 --> 00:32:09,260 What are we doing? 486 00:32:16,634 --> 00:32:18,803 All you got to do is dip the tip 487 00:32:18,903 --> 00:32:24,442 in a bottle of Dr. Bronner's and keep it moving. 488 00:32:32,817 --> 00:32:34,652 Seriously, it's not that difficult 489 00:32:34,752 --> 00:32:36,154 to clean an uncircumcised penis, 490 00:32:36,254 --> 00:32:38,489 and I know this because my boyfriend and I, 491 00:32:38,589 --> 00:32:41,292 we take showers together sometimes. 492 00:32:41,359 --> 00:32:45,663 And I got to tell ya, he's nailing it. 493 00:32:45,763 --> 00:32:49,701 Okay, he is a Hall of Famer at this point, alright? 494 00:32:49,801 --> 00:32:52,770 My boyfriend cleans his dick 495 00:32:52,837 --> 00:32:56,274 like he is polishing a family heirloom. 496 00:32:59,043 --> 00:33:00,511 Okay? 497 00:33:00,611 --> 00:33:06,718 He has the white gloves on, the jeweler magnifying glass, 498 00:33:06,818 --> 00:33:08,519 an appraiser from "Antiques Roadshow" 499 00:33:08,619 --> 00:33:12,690 is just off to the side, giving a thumbs-up. 500 00:33:18,229 --> 00:33:19,397 Like I said, bae and I, 501 00:33:19,497 --> 00:33:22,467 we're constantly learning about each other, 502 00:33:22,533 --> 00:33:24,168 and another thing I learned about him 503 00:33:24,235 --> 00:33:28,673 is he's a sweaty dude, which is fine. 504 00:33:28,740 --> 00:33:29,874 I'm a sweaty gal. 505 00:33:29,974 --> 00:33:32,643 We found love in a hopeless place. 506 00:33:32,710 --> 00:33:35,079 Thank you, Rihanna. 507 00:33:35,179 --> 00:33:38,349 And he's always trying to find ways to be comfortable, 508 00:33:38,416 --> 00:33:40,885 and I don't want to judge his process, 509 00:33:40,985 --> 00:33:44,222 but I think it's getting out of hand 510 00:33:44,322 --> 00:33:46,724 because I caught him in the bathroom one time 511 00:33:46,824 --> 00:33:50,228 after taking a shower like this. 512 00:33:51,863 --> 00:33:53,264 And what he was doing 513 00:33:53,364 --> 00:33:55,566 is he had a bottle of Gold Bond powder in his hand, 514 00:33:55,666 --> 00:33:58,903 and he was dumping it all over his crotch 515 00:33:59,003 --> 00:34:00,238 so that, throughout the day, 516 00:34:00,338 --> 00:34:01,873 the powder would absorb the sweat, 517 00:34:01,939 --> 00:34:03,908 and he'd be comfortable, alright? 518 00:34:04,008 --> 00:34:07,245 So he saw me and was like, "Oh, hey," 519 00:34:07,345 --> 00:34:09,781 and he went right back to it. 520 00:34:12,417 --> 00:34:15,920 And I was like, "Uh...we need to unpack this. 521 00:34:16,020 --> 00:34:19,223 What is going on?" 522 00:34:19,290 --> 00:34:21,893 And he goes, "Oh, everyone does this," 523 00:34:21,959 --> 00:34:24,362 and he goes right back to it. 524 00:34:26,531 --> 00:34:29,100 And I was like, "Mm, 525 00:34:29,200 --> 00:34:31,569 I don't think this has swept the nashe." 526 00:34:31,636 --> 00:34:33,871 You know what I mean? 527 00:34:33,938 --> 00:34:35,406 This isn't "Despacito." 528 00:34:35,473 --> 00:34:38,242 I don't think... 529 00:34:38,309 --> 00:34:42,713 everyone is just furiously powdering their balls. 530 00:34:42,780 --> 00:34:46,584 But all I could think as he was going to town was, 531 00:34:46,651 --> 00:34:49,887 "Why don't you season your food..." 532 00:34:58,996 --> 00:35:02,300 "...the way you season your dick?" 533 00:35:05,803 --> 00:35:07,138 Like, weren't your people 534 00:35:07,238 --> 00:35:10,741 involved in a spice trade or something? 535 00:35:11,242 --> 00:35:14,412 Didn't pick up any paprika along the way? 536 00:35:14,479 --> 00:35:16,114 No? 537 00:35:18,249 --> 00:35:21,352 But, y'all, this is my soul mate, 538 00:35:21,452 --> 00:35:25,990 and he uses so much powder that he gets it all over the floor, 539 00:35:26,090 --> 00:35:28,493 and then he steps in it, 540 00:35:28,593 --> 00:35:34,799 so we have Gold Bond ball-powder footprints 541 00:35:34,866 --> 00:35:38,269 all over the apartment. 542 00:35:39,537 --> 00:35:42,640 It's like living with a "Home Alone" villain, y'all. 543 00:35:46,144 --> 00:35:48,679 I don't get it, but I don't want to say anything to him. 544 00:35:48,779 --> 00:35:50,515 We try not to nag each other. 545 00:35:50,615 --> 00:35:54,785 We want our apartment to be very boho and chill, you know? 546 00:35:54,852 --> 00:35:58,723 Like, for instance, we like to sit on our furniture naked. 547 00:35:58,823 --> 00:36:00,725 We paid for it. It's ours. 548 00:36:00,825 --> 00:36:02,793 Cool. Right? 549 00:36:02,860 --> 00:36:06,998 Except you can't sit on the furniture naked 550 00:36:07,064 --> 00:36:11,536 if you've just powdered your balls! 551 00:36:20,578 --> 00:36:26,717 Y'all, it's like every chair he gets up from, 552 00:36:26,817 --> 00:36:31,055 he had, like, five seconds left to garnish a gingerbread house. 553 00:36:33,524 --> 00:36:38,663 I'm like, "Is Mary Berry in the closet, waiting to judge this? 554 00:36:38,729 --> 00:36:40,565 Who is this for?" 555 00:36:45,937 --> 00:36:49,907 I know I make a lot of jokes about my boyfriend -- 556 00:36:50,007 --> 00:36:54,345 'cause it pays the bills, heh-heh -- 557 00:36:54,412 --> 00:36:56,347 but he's amazing, okay? 558 00:36:56,414 --> 00:36:59,517 He's so smart and funny and wonderful, 559 00:36:59,584 --> 00:37:03,354 and we have a really great sex life. 560 00:37:10,361 --> 00:37:11,796 But all of that is him. 561 00:37:11,896 --> 00:37:15,066 None of it's me, okay? 562 00:37:15,132 --> 00:37:17,635 I am trash in bed. 563 00:37:17,735 --> 00:37:20,271 I am. 564 00:37:20,371 --> 00:37:23,374 And it's not gonna change, okay? 565 00:37:23,441 --> 00:37:24,575 I retired. 566 00:37:24,642 --> 00:37:28,212 My jersey's hanging in the rafters. 567 00:37:28,279 --> 00:37:29,981 I had a good run. 568 00:37:32,083 --> 00:37:37,288 But for real, my sex game, it needs a lot of work. 569 00:37:37,388 --> 00:37:40,057 Basically, my sex game is like -- 570 00:37:40,124 --> 00:37:43,160 Have you guys seen those workout videos 571 00:37:43,261 --> 00:37:46,964 where there's always that chick in the background 572 00:37:47,064 --> 00:37:49,934 who does the modified version... 573 00:37:53,738 --> 00:37:57,441 ...of every exercise? 574 00:37:57,508 --> 00:38:00,311 That's me in the bedroom, okay? 575 00:38:00,411 --> 00:38:03,948 My name is Carol, and I'm giving a solid 37%. 576 00:38:07,985 --> 00:38:10,988 Like, my favorite position is missionary, okay? 577 00:38:11,088 --> 00:38:14,325 I am tired! 578 00:38:14,425 --> 00:38:20,164 I need the lumbar support at my age. 579 00:38:20,264 --> 00:38:23,634 I just want to lie down and be like, "Tell me a tale. 580 00:38:23,701 --> 00:38:26,370 That's it." 581 00:38:28,839 --> 00:38:32,009 And bae, he just, um -- 582 00:38:32,109 --> 00:38:33,678 he wants me to, uh, participate. 583 00:38:33,778 --> 00:38:37,014 Um... 584 00:38:37,114 --> 00:38:39,717 And I'm like, "Great note. 585 00:38:39,817 --> 00:38:42,386 I'm gonna file that away for later." 586 00:38:44,288 --> 00:38:45,723 But whenever he says that, I'm just like, 587 00:38:45,823 --> 00:38:51,529 "Hon, I am the Rosa Parks of the bedroom, okay? 588 00:38:51,629 --> 00:38:54,665 I'm not getting up for any white man." 589 00:38:58,202 --> 00:39:02,473 "I don't know what you want me to do, babe." 590 00:39:02,540 --> 00:39:06,844 Now, I know that's bad team-player energy, right, 591 00:39:06,911 --> 00:39:08,713 'cause all he wants is for me to get on top. 592 00:39:08,813 --> 00:39:13,017 That's it, make that one subtle change. 593 00:39:13,084 --> 00:39:16,887 But I'm a nightmare on top. 594 00:39:16,987 --> 00:39:18,589 Like, whatever Megan Thee Stallion 595 00:39:18,689 --> 00:39:22,193 can do, I can't do. 596 00:39:22,259 --> 00:39:25,396 I'm just like, "Is this it? 597 00:39:25,496 --> 00:39:27,698 Is this it? 598 00:39:27,765 --> 00:39:30,167 Is this it?" 599 00:39:30,234 --> 00:39:32,336 And he's like, "None of that is it." 600 00:39:35,272 --> 00:39:37,575 And, y'all, even getting into position 601 00:39:37,675 --> 00:39:40,044 is a complete shitshow, okay? 602 00:39:40,111 --> 00:39:43,848 We are never set up for success. 603 00:39:43,914 --> 00:39:45,416 Like, whenever I go, "Alright, fine, 604 00:39:45,516 --> 00:39:47,051 I'll get on top," 605 00:39:47,118 --> 00:39:50,688 my boyfriend get so excited that he lies down on the bed, 606 00:39:50,755 --> 00:39:54,725 spread-eagle like this, 607 00:39:54,792 --> 00:39:57,728 and I'm like, "Close your legs!" 608 00:40:00,731 --> 00:40:03,734 "This is not 'American Ninja Warrior.'" 609 00:40:05,970 --> 00:40:08,773 "Why are you creating obstacles when I'm trying to have sex 610 00:40:08,873 --> 00:40:10,574 with you, you idiot?" 611 00:40:13,377 --> 00:40:16,981 So I have to, like, shove his legs closed, 612 00:40:17,081 --> 00:40:20,050 and then by the time I'm done dealing with his bullshit 613 00:40:20,117 --> 00:40:21,452 and I get on top, 614 00:40:21,552 --> 00:40:24,889 I'm immediately resting against the headboard. 615 00:40:28,826 --> 00:40:32,797 I'm just like, "Wo-o-o-o-w, 616 00:40:32,897 --> 00:40:36,767 the air up here is thi-i-i-i-n." 617 00:40:45,142 --> 00:40:46,811 I just start breathing heavy 618 00:40:46,911 --> 00:40:50,448 'cause I'm exhausted from the summit, 619 00:40:50,514 --> 00:40:54,485 and I didn't pack trail mix or a Clif Bar to get me through it. 620 00:40:54,585 --> 00:40:57,288 So, like, "Uhh! Uhh!" 621 00:40:57,354 --> 00:40:59,824 And at this point, I've wasted so much time 622 00:40:59,924 --> 00:41:03,327 that my legs start shaking. 623 00:41:03,427 --> 00:41:06,797 So now he has to take over, slide me down and up his dick, 624 00:41:06,864 --> 00:41:10,334 just down and up. 625 00:41:10,434 --> 00:41:14,171 I'm officially the heaviest Fleshlight on the market. 626 00:41:18,142 --> 00:41:19,877 And then when we're done, I just roll over 627 00:41:19,977 --> 00:41:22,313 'cause I need a Gatorade and an ice bath. 628 00:41:22,379 --> 00:41:24,381 It is... 629 00:41:24,482 --> 00:41:26,116 I'm just wrapping my knees 630 00:41:26,183 --> 00:41:29,220 like I'm Patrick Ewing from the '90s. 631 00:41:29,320 --> 00:41:32,122 Just like, "We'll get them next time, Coach." 632 00:41:43,834 --> 00:41:48,572 Let me tell y'all about the best night of my life. 633 00:41:54,044 --> 00:41:56,146 Y'all need to get your shit together. 634 00:41:59,350 --> 00:42:00,818 The best night of my life -- 635 00:42:00,885 --> 00:42:04,755 it's all because of the greatest first lady of all time. 636 00:42:12,563 --> 00:42:14,498 Y'all don't know who I'm gonna say. 637 00:42:16,433 --> 00:42:17,568 What if I said Melania? 638 00:42:17,668 --> 00:42:19,436 What would y'all have done then? 639 00:42:22,006 --> 00:42:25,843 "Lady Bird" Johnson? No? 640 00:42:25,910 --> 00:42:28,579 No, it's Michelle Obama. Of course, it's Michelle Obama. 641 00:42:34,084 --> 00:42:37,555 She asked me to moderate on her "Becoming" book tour, 642 00:42:37,621 --> 00:42:40,124 and -- yeah, thank you. 643 00:42:45,229 --> 00:42:46,530 And I couldn't believe it. 644 00:42:46,597 --> 00:42:50,067 Like, her asking me to moderate on her book tour 645 00:42:50,134 --> 00:42:53,270 is kind of like if Black History Month 646 00:42:53,370 --> 00:42:55,773 tried to get me pregnant on Kwanzaa. 647 00:42:55,873 --> 00:42:58,442 You know, just... 648 00:42:58,542 --> 00:43:01,812 Feels so pretty. 649 00:43:01,912 --> 00:43:03,981 I was so excited, okay? 650 00:43:04,081 --> 00:43:05,616 Actually, I was very thirsty. 651 00:43:05,716 --> 00:43:09,820 I was so desperate for her to like me, you know? 652 00:43:09,920 --> 00:43:15,225 Like, my energy around her was that of a single auntie 653 00:43:15,292 --> 00:43:20,731 at a cookout looking for fresh peen, okay? 654 00:43:20,798 --> 00:43:23,267 I was just like, "Do you like potato salad? 655 00:43:23,334 --> 00:43:24,768 Come with me! 656 00:43:24,835 --> 00:43:26,270 Ha-ha!" 657 00:43:29,406 --> 00:43:33,510 But even though I was thirsty, I still wanted to be profesh. 658 00:43:33,611 --> 00:43:35,479 I read her book forwards and backwards, 659 00:43:35,579 --> 00:43:38,248 wrote all my questions, studied her life for a week, 660 00:43:38,315 --> 00:43:42,086 picked out the perfect outfit to wear, and, most importantly, 661 00:43:42,152 --> 00:43:46,490 I picked out the perfect wig to wear for this occasion, 662 00:43:46,590 --> 00:43:48,792 because Michelle is one 663 00:43:48,859 --> 00:43:52,830 of the most-photographed people on the planet, right, 664 00:43:52,930 --> 00:43:56,500 and I can't stand next to her on stage 665 00:43:56,600 --> 00:43:59,837 wearing a busted-ass wig, 666 00:43:59,937 --> 00:44:04,308 looking like a low-budget Kerry Washington. 667 00:44:04,375 --> 00:44:06,010 I got to bring it for Meesh, okay? 668 00:44:06,110 --> 00:44:09,013 So I picked out the right wig to wear, 669 00:44:09,113 --> 00:44:11,181 and when I did that, it made me realize 670 00:44:11,281 --> 00:44:12,950 I don't always bring it for my boyfriend 671 00:44:13,017 --> 00:44:15,853 when it comes to my hair, you know? 672 00:44:15,953 --> 00:44:18,022 Sometimes it's looking cute. 673 00:44:20,557 --> 00:44:24,294 And other times, it's just, "Mm, well, this is all you got." 674 00:44:26,163 --> 00:44:29,233 Like, sometimes I'll just be rocking, like, raggedy cornrows 675 00:44:29,333 --> 00:44:31,702 for, like, eight weeks at a time. 676 00:44:31,802 --> 00:44:33,671 They start looking like that abandoned crop field 677 00:44:33,737 --> 00:44:36,407 in M Night Shyamalan's "Signs." 678 00:44:39,143 --> 00:44:42,813 Other times, I'm just wearing a floppy-ass sleeping cap 679 00:44:42,880 --> 00:44:46,884 and looking like the chef from "Ratatouille." 680 00:44:50,220 --> 00:44:52,389 But when I put that sleeping cap on, 681 00:44:52,489 --> 00:44:54,224 I like doing it because it lets bae know 682 00:44:54,324 --> 00:44:57,094 this is closed for business. 683 00:44:59,063 --> 00:45:00,898 Like, it's the perfect way to get out of sex. 684 00:45:00,998 --> 00:45:02,433 You know, I'm just like, "Oh, babe, 685 00:45:02,533 --> 00:45:03,734 I don't want to sweat my hair out." 686 00:45:03,834 --> 00:45:05,869 Sleeping cap on. Night-night. 687 00:45:05,936 --> 00:45:07,504 You know? 688 00:45:07,571 --> 00:45:10,607 And it got me thinking, what do white women do 689 00:45:10,708 --> 00:45:13,877 when they want to get out of sex, you know? 690 00:45:13,944 --> 00:45:16,847 Like, what's their go-to symbol, right? 691 00:45:16,914 --> 00:45:18,582 Like, they can't blame it on their hair 692 00:45:18,682 --> 00:45:21,552 'cause white women's hair is built like a ShamWow, you know? 693 00:45:23,554 --> 00:45:28,092 It's made to get wet and keep it moving, right? 694 00:45:28,192 --> 00:45:30,394 Like, I've seen many a damp ponytail 695 00:45:30,461 --> 00:45:34,531 just bopping around city, 696 00:45:34,598 --> 00:45:37,801 getting lattes, okay? 697 00:45:39,369 --> 00:45:43,273 So what do white women do when they want to get out of sex? 698 00:45:43,373 --> 00:45:46,910 Are they just like, "Hon, I wish I could have sex with you, 699 00:45:46,977 --> 00:45:50,481 but I spent all day practicing the 'Cups' song." 700 00:46:06,163 --> 00:46:09,066 "Sports injury, babe." 701 00:46:14,104 --> 00:46:16,473 Now, I've never been a white woman... 702 00:46:18,308 --> 00:46:20,644 ...but I'm pretty sure that theory checks out. 703 00:46:24,348 --> 00:46:26,150 Anyway, I have my wig together, 704 00:46:26,250 --> 00:46:29,920 and I ended up doing five shows with Michelle. 705 00:46:29,987 --> 00:46:31,488 It was amazing. 706 00:46:37,427 --> 00:46:39,029 And on the night of our last show, 707 00:46:39,129 --> 00:46:42,366 we were walking back to our individual dressing rooms. 708 00:46:42,466 --> 00:46:44,601 She goes, "You know, that was so fun. 709 00:46:44,668 --> 00:46:46,170 What are you doing later?" 710 00:46:46,270 --> 00:46:48,772 And I was like... 711 00:46:50,507 --> 00:46:53,844 ..."I don't know. 712 00:46:53,944 --> 00:46:56,680 What are you doing later?" 713 00:46:58,115 --> 00:47:00,350 And she goes, "Well, you know, since we're all staying 714 00:47:00,450 --> 00:47:03,821 at the same hotel in this city, and I have friends in from town, 715 00:47:03,887 --> 00:47:06,456 why don't we all just hang out in the lounge together?" 716 00:47:06,523 --> 00:47:09,126 And I was like, "Yeah, that sounds cool!" 717 00:47:13,697 --> 00:47:17,701 Like, not smooth at all, okay? 718 00:47:17,801 --> 00:47:22,039 So I race back to my hotel room, I start changing, 719 00:47:22,139 --> 00:47:24,074 and I'm immediately sort of psyching myself out. 720 00:47:24,174 --> 00:47:26,877 I'm like, "Oh, man, I don't think I belong. 721 00:47:26,977 --> 00:47:29,246 She's amazing. Her friends are gonna be amazing. 722 00:47:29,346 --> 00:47:32,349 I'm gonna embarrass myself. I just shouldn't go." 723 00:47:32,416 --> 00:47:37,554 And then I was like, "You can't ghost Michelle Obama." 724 00:47:37,654 --> 00:47:41,592 Like, that's not a thing that happens. 725 00:47:41,692 --> 00:47:42,926 So I was like, "Alright." 726 00:47:43,026 --> 00:47:44,761 I show up to the lounge, and as soon as I walk in, 727 00:47:44,862 --> 00:47:47,231 I see her with her friends, music's playing, 728 00:47:47,331 --> 00:47:48,565 everyone's having a good time, 729 00:47:48,665 --> 00:47:49,933 and, again, I'm psyching myself out. 730 00:47:50,033 --> 00:47:51,602 I'm like, "Oh, I should leave. 731 00:47:51,702 --> 00:47:53,503 I can't handle this," and I go and turn. 732 00:47:53,570 --> 00:47:56,840 And then I see the food spread. 733 00:47:59,276 --> 00:48:04,948 And I was like, "Oh, we about to be homeys." 734 00:48:08,385 --> 00:48:11,421 The food spread was just two things, okay? 735 00:48:11,521 --> 00:48:14,524 It was tequila... 736 00:48:14,591 --> 00:48:16,927 and grilled cheese sandwiches. 737 00:48:25,535 --> 00:48:27,571 I saw that, and I was like, 738 00:48:27,638 --> 00:48:34,745 "This bi- i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-tch." 739 00:48:36,914 --> 00:48:41,551 For eight years, she had us eating carrots and arugula. 740 00:48:47,724 --> 00:48:51,628 And she's just been eating yellow cheese this whole time?! 741 00:48:59,002 --> 00:49:00,737 But when I saw that, I got excited 742 00:49:00,804 --> 00:49:03,273 'cause that's what I like to eat sometimes after stand-up shows, 743 00:49:03,340 --> 00:49:06,310 so I was like, "Yas, yas-yas-yas." 744 00:49:06,410 --> 00:49:09,246 And then I was like, "No," 745 00:49:09,313 --> 00:49:13,016 'cause I am lactose intolerant. 746 00:49:14,785 --> 00:49:16,520 Yeah, I need a little bit of a heads-up 747 00:49:16,620 --> 00:49:18,956 if I'm gonna have dairy, okay? 748 00:49:19,022 --> 00:49:21,124 So I stood there, weighing my options. 749 00:49:21,191 --> 00:49:25,429 I was like, "Okay, okay. 750 00:49:25,495 --> 00:49:29,766 On one hand... 751 00:49:29,833 --> 00:49:31,835 I could just eat nothing 752 00:49:31,935 --> 00:49:36,106 and respect everyone's nostrils. 753 00:49:36,173 --> 00:49:39,376 That's an option. 754 00:49:39,476 --> 00:49:43,180 But on the other hand, how many times 755 00:49:43,280 --> 00:49:47,150 is Michelle Obama gonna have grilled cheese with me, right?" 756 00:49:47,217 --> 00:49:51,154 So I dove in, I grabbed a sandwich, I took a few bites, 757 00:49:51,221 --> 00:49:54,624 I let it sit in my stomach for several minutes. 758 00:49:54,691 --> 00:49:56,059 Nothing happened. 759 00:49:56,159 --> 00:50:00,530 I was like, "Okay, okay, okay, okay." 760 00:50:00,630 --> 00:50:01,865 I took a few more bites, 761 00:50:01,965 --> 00:50:04,067 and I let it sit for another several minutes, 762 00:50:04,167 --> 00:50:07,204 and nothing happened. 763 00:50:07,304 --> 00:50:09,806 I was like, "Oh, my God. 764 00:50:09,873 --> 00:50:14,644 Michelle Obama just cured my lactose intolerance!" 765 00:50:19,249 --> 00:50:21,585 This is literal Black Girl Magic. 766 00:50:21,685 --> 00:50:23,754 Fuck you, Harry Potter. 767 00:50:28,358 --> 00:50:30,927 So I got cocky and shoved the rest of the sandwich 768 00:50:31,028 --> 00:50:34,498 down my dumb face, and 10 minutes later, 769 00:50:34,564 --> 00:50:38,535 my stomach started bubbling, and I thought, 770 00:50:38,602 --> 00:50:42,939 "Oh, I can't fart in front of the first 771 00:50:43,040 --> 00:50:45,876 Black first lady, right?" 772 00:50:45,942 --> 00:50:51,281 Like, that's just disrespectful to all Black history, you know? 773 00:50:51,381 --> 00:50:54,451 Jackie Robinson. 774 00:50:54,551 --> 00:50:58,121 The Harlem Globetrotters. 775 00:50:58,221 --> 00:51:01,625 The original Aunt Viv from "Fresh Prince of Bel-Air." 776 00:51:06,430 --> 00:51:09,366 And it's not like I'm precious about passing gas. 777 00:51:09,433 --> 00:51:12,069 It's a natural bodily function, okay? 778 00:51:12,135 --> 00:51:14,204 But Michelle doesn't know me like that, 779 00:51:14,271 --> 00:51:17,107 so I don't want the fart to make it into the highlight reel 780 00:51:17,207 --> 00:51:21,445 of what she remembers about me. 781 00:51:21,545 --> 00:51:23,947 But for anyone else, if I got to let her rip, 782 00:51:24,047 --> 00:51:25,916 toot-toot, beep-beep, okay? 783 00:51:30,554 --> 00:51:36,293 Like, I have definitely farted during sex with my boyfriend, 784 00:51:36,393 --> 00:51:38,795 and not a tiny Betty Boop, "Ooh," 785 00:51:38,895 --> 00:51:43,300 where I could hide it, okay? 786 00:51:43,400 --> 00:51:45,735 I'm talking a full-on game of "Duck Hunt," 787 00:51:45,802 --> 00:51:48,472 just, "Pyow, pyow, pyow, pyow, pyow, pyow, pyow! 788 00:51:48,572 --> 00:51:51,408 Brrrrrrrat! Brrrrrrrrat! 789 00:51:51,475 --> 00:51:53,110 Why is that dog laughing? 790 00:51:53,176 --> 00:51:55,612 Bam, bam, pyow, pyow, pyow, pyow, pyow, pyow, pyow, pyow! 791 00:51:55,679 --> 00:51:57,414 Brrrrrrrrrat!" 792 00:52:00,417 --> 00:52:05,489 Just 50 clips of farts 793 00:52:05,589 --> 00:52:08,625 over my boyfriend's balls, 794 00:52:08,692 --> 00:52:10,861 powder flying everywhere. 795 00:52:16,366 --> 00:52:19,769 It's like LeBron James at the NBA finals. 796 00:52:24,441 --> 00:52:26,343 But I can't do that to Michelle Obama. 797 00:52:26,443 --> 00:52:29,012 She's too classy for that. 798 00:52:29,112 --> 00:52:31,848 So I did the only thing I could do in that moment. 799 00:52:31,948 --> 00:52:35,552 I just clinched my butt cheeks. 800 00:52:35,652 --> 00:52:40,190 Y'all, it was like Season 6 of "Game of Thrones," okay? 801 00:52:40,290 --> 00:52:43,193 I was just like, "Hold the door! 802 00:52:43,293 --> 00:52:46,463 Hold the door! Hodor! 803 00:52:46,530 --> 00:52:50,467 Hodo-o-o-o-o-r!" 804 00:53:01,311 --> 00:53:04,381 This went on for three hours. 805 00:53:05,582 --> 00:53:07,717 Mm-hmm. 806 00:53:07,817 --> 00:53:10,387 The party ends and then I race back to my hotel room 807 00:53:10,487 --> 00:53:11,721 and I go into the bathroom. 808 00:53:11,821 --> 00:53:15,058 I'm just like... 809 00:53:55,532 --> 00:53:57,133 I just let out like a three-minute 810 00:53:57,234 --> 00:54:01,871 Louis Armstrong jazz solo 811 00:54:01,938 --> 00:54:05,041 into my toilet bowl, 812 00:54:05,108 --> 00:54:07,811 and that's how I ended the best night of my life. 813 00:54:12,649 --> 00:54:14,951 This has been the best night of my life! 814 00:54:15,051 --> 00:54:17,454 Thank you guys so much!