1
00:00:02,000 --> 00:00:07,000
Downloaded from
YTS.MX

2
00:00:08,000 --> 00:00:13,000
Official YIFY movies site:
YTS.MX

3
00:00:09,142 --> 00:00:16,383
♪♪

4
00:00:16,483 --> 00:00:18,051
♪♪

5
00:00:18,151 --> 00:00:19,419
♪♪

6
00:00:19,519 --> 00:00:21,721
Emcee: And now, everybody,
put your hands together

7
00:00:21,821 --> 00:00:27,427
and give a warm welcome
to Phoebe Robinso-o-o-o-n!

8
00:00:27,527 --> 00:00:30,230
[ Cheers and applause ]

9
00:00:30,330 --> 00:00:35,735
♪♪

10
00:00:35,835 --> 00:00:41,241
♪♪

11
00:00:41,341 --> 00:00:46,913
♪♪

12
00:00:53,887 --> 00:00:57,757
Y'all ever be Black

13
00:00:57,857 --> 00:00:59,759
and date a white person
from England,

14
00:00:59,859 --> 00:01:03,263
so basically they're OG white?

15
00:01:03,363 --> 00:01:07,400
Like, "powder wigs
and stockings" white?

16
00:01:07,467 --> 00:01:09,602
Like, they have that tattoo
across their stomach

17
00:01:09,702 --> 00:01:11,871
Tupac-style?

18
00:01:11,938 --> 00:01:13,206
But instead of saying
"thug life,"

19
00:01:13,273 --> 00:01:15,542
it just says
"Wallace and Gromit"?

20
00:01:19,712 --> 00:01:23,483
Y'all ever be Black and date
someone like that

21
00:01:23,583 --> 00:01:27,320
and then watch
a civil-rights movie together?

22
00:01:30,757 --> 00:01:31,891
No?

23
00:01:31,958 --> 00:01:33,560
Just me?

24
00:01:33,626 --> 00:01:35,228
Don't recommend it, y'all.

25
00:01:35,295 --> 00:01:38,098
I don't.

26
00:01:38,164 --> 00:01:42,102
My boyfriend and I
watched "Amistad."

27
00:01:42,168 --> 00:01:45,238
Mm-hmm.

28
00:01:45,305 --> 00:01:49,809
And by the end,
I was staring at him

29
00:01:49,909 --> 00:01:52,946
like he was the captain
of the ship, okay?

30
00:01:55,582 --> 00:01:58,151
Y'all, I swear, if it wasn't
for that one shot

31
00:01:58,251 --> 00:02:01,354
of Djimon Hounsou's dick,

32
00:02:01,454 --> 00:02:04,023
my whole night
would've been ruined, okay?

33
00:02:08,928 --> 00:02:12,332
It's hard out there for
interracial couples like mine.

34
00:02:12,432 --> 00:02:13,967
It is.

35
00:02:14,033 --> 00:02:18,138
'Cause we only get two kinds
of programming,

36
00:02:18,204 --> 00:02:19,939
either Black and white people

37
00:02:20,006 --> 00:02:25,445
making hot Lisa Bonet babies
named Quinoa...

38
00:02:28,948 --> 00:02:31,151
...or sad-ass movies
about evil white men

39
00:02:31,217 --> 00:02:35,788
stealing jump ropes so
Black people can't Double Dutch.

40
00:02:35,855 --> 00:02:37,457
There's no in between.

41
00:02:37,524 --> 00:02:40,994
It's just extremes, okay?

42
00:02:41,060 --> 00:02:43,830
Like, it's either Olivia Pope
and President Fitz

43
00:02:43,897 --> 00:02:47,333
fucking in a broom closet...

44
00:02:47,400 --> 00:02:51,638
[ Cheers and applause ]

45
00:02:51,704 --> 00:02:53,506
...or it's just...

46
00:02:53,573 --> 00:02:59,512
♪ Mm-hmm, mm-hmm-hmm ♪

47
00:02:59,579 --> 00:03:01,714
And then it's just Viola Davis
ugly crying

48
00:03:01,814 --> 00:03:05,418
and snot flying out
of her nose.

49
00:03:05,518 --> 00:03:08,388
That's it.
That's the whole movie.

50
00:03:08,488 --> 00:03:10,590
Just 90 minutes
of the Mucinex guy

51
00:03:10,690 --> 00:03:13,860
just Silver Surfer-ing
out her nostrils.

52
00:03:15,395 --> 00:03:18,598
It's too much, y'all,
'cause whenever bae and I

53
00:03:18,698 --> 00:03:21,534
are done watching these sad-ass
civil-rights movies,

54
00:03:21,601 --> 00:03:24,504
he's filled with white guilt,
you know?

55
00:03:24,571 --> 00:03:27,440
He starts trying to give me
free iPhones and shit.

56
00:03:29,842 --> 00:03:33,246
I'm like, "Man, I already
have an iPhone.

57
00:03:33,346 --> 00:03:35,515
You on my family plan."

58
00:03:40,887 --> 00:03:43,089
Meanwhile, I'm so mad at him

59
00:03:43,189 --> 00:03:47,093
about what Harriet Tubman
went through

60
00:03:47,193 --> 00:03:49,195
that my pussy
just turns into Gandalf

61
00:03:49,262 --> 00:03:50,763
from "Lord of the Rings."

62
00:03:50,863 --> 00:03:54,634
Just like, "You shall not pass!"

63
00:04:01,140 --> 00:04:03,443
It's too much.

64
00:04:03,543 --> 00:04:06,045
All bae and I want
is to watch something

65
00:04:06,112 --> 00:04:08,648
with Black and white
people in it

66
00:04:08,748 --> 00:04:13,786
that isn't racism 101
or artisanal Pornhub.

67
00:04:18,925 --> 00:04:21,761
That's what I call that Halle
Berry movie, "Monster's Ball."

68
00:04:21,828 --> 00:04:25,965
That is artisanal Pornhub.

69
00:04:27,400 --> 00:04:30,103
And, look, I get the purpose
of these movies about race.

70
00:04:30,169 --> 00:04:31,404
I do.

71
00:04:31,471 --> 00:04:33,139
We got to keep telling
these stories, right,

72
00:04:33,239 --> 00:04:36,843
so we don't forget the people
who fought for our freedom.

73
00:04:36,943 --> 00:04:38,011
I appreciate that.

74
00:04:38,111 --> 00:04:39,979
I'm grateful for it.

75
00:04:40,079 --> 00:04:43,516
But I can't do it anymore,
y'all.

76
00:04:43,616 --> 00:04:47,820
Watching civil-rights movies
is a young person's game.

77
00:04:47,920 --> 00:04:49,022
For real.

78
00:04:49,122 --> 00:04:50,990
Like, when I saw the movie
"Selma,"

79
00:04:51,090 --> 00:04:53,960
that audience was nothing
but young white people

80
00:04:54,027 --> 00:04:57,764
in Patagonias

81
00:04:57,830 --> 00:05:03,303
and young Black people who don't
need arch support, okay?

82
00:05:03,369 --> 00:05:04,804
They haven't marched.

83
00:05:04,871 --> 00:05:07,540
They have feet like
Misty Copeland, just perfect.

84
00:05:09,776 --> 00:05:13,546
But when I saw "Paddington 2,"

85
00:05:13,646 --> 00:05:17,050
that movie about the teddy bear
in a raincoat,

86
00:05:17,150 --> 00:05:22,822
it was wall-to-wall old-ass
Evelyns and Walters, okay?

87
00:05:25,458 --> 00:05:30,730
That theater smelled like
butterscotch and disappointment

88
00:05:30,830 --> 00:05:32,398
over Aunt Sylvia's
mac and cheese.

89
00:05:32,498 --> 00:05:36,536
It was old as fuck.

90
00:05:36,636 --> 00:05:38,004
And I get it.
I do.

91
00:05:38,071 --> 00:05:41,007
They've lived too long.
They've seen too much.

92
00:05:41,074 --> 00:05:44,477
All they can handle
is a teddy bear in a raincoat.

93
00:05:44,544 --> 00:05:47,313
But I'm 36, and I can
barely finish

94
00:05:47,380 --> 00:05:50,149
a civil-rights movie anymore.

95
00:05:50,216 --> 00:05:52,218
Like, if I'm gonna watch
a civil-rights movie,

96
00:05:52,318 --> 00:05:55,855
I got to warm up first, okay?

97
00:05:55,922 --> 00:05:59,859
'Cause if I don't,
by the end of that movie,

98
00:05:59,926 --> 00:06:02,662
I'm starring in my own
off-Broadway show,

99
00:06:02,729 --> 00:06:05,765
"Guess I'm Cussing Out White
People at Trader Joe's Today."

100
00:06:05,865 --> 00:06:08,067
[ Cheers and applause ]

101
00:06:14,774 --> 00:06:17,210
Got good reviews in "The Times,"
you know?

102
00:06:19,846 --> 00:06:21,781
That's why I think
we have to train

103
00:06:21,881 --> 00:06:24,450
in order to watch
civil-rights movies, you know?

104
00:06:24,550 --> 00:06:27,387
We got to train the way
runners do, right?

105
00:06:27,453 --> 00:06:29,288
Like, if you want to become
a runner,

106
00:06:29,389 --> 00:06:32,859
you do a Couch to 5K program.

107
00:06:34,794 --> 00:06:37,630
We should do that for watching
civil-rights movies, you know?

108
00:06:37,730 --> 00:06:40,800
Like, the first week,
all we're watching --

109
00:06:40,900 --> 00:06:42,568
"Space Jam."

110
00:06:45,304 --> 00:06:47,306
That's it.

111
00:06:47,407 --> 00:06:50,376
Just seeing what the Tune Squad
is up to.

112
00:06:52,545 --> 00:06:54,714
The next week, "Bring It On."

113
00:06:54,781 --> 00:06:57,283
Okay, okay, okay.

114
00:06:57,383 --> 00:06:59,051
Okay.

115
00:07:01,487 --> 00:07:03,790
We're just dealing with
stolen dance moves?

116
00:07:03,890 --> 00:07:06,492
I can handle that.

117
00:07:06,592 --> 00:07:08,928
And then the next week,
"Save the Last Dance."

118
00:07:08,995 --> 00:07:10,296
Alright, alright.

119
00:07:12,965 --> 00:07:14,267
Okay.

120
00:07:14,333 --> 00:07:15,768
We're gonna pretend
this white lady

121
00:07:15,835 --> 00:07:19,105
got into Juilliard
with these wack-ass dance moves.

122
00:07:22,975 --> 00:07:23,976
Heavy on my heart.

123
00:07:24,076 --> 00:07:25,745
I'm like, "No!"

124
00:07:27,647 --> 00:07:29,348
Ooh, remember when she did
that tiny jump?

125
00:07:29,449 --> 00:07:31,184
It was just like...

126
00:07:38,458 --> 00:07:40,126
That's a mess!

127
00:07:44,197 --> 00:07:45,932
But they keep making
those civil rights

128
00:07:45,998 --> 00:07:47,800
and slavery movies,
right, don't they?

129
00:07:47,867 --> 00:07:50,670
They're just cranking them out.

130
00:07:50,770 --> 00:07:53,940
Underground railroad -- bang.

131
00:07:54,006 --> 00:07:57,376
Being the only Black kid
at a spelling bee -- bang.

132
00:07:59,378 --> 00:08:02,815
Like, they have the budget
to make all of these movies,

133
00:08:02,882 --> 00:08:06,519
all these sad-ass Black movies,
but whenever we're like,

134
00:08:06,619 --> 00:08:07,720
"What about our reparations,
though?"

135
00:08:07,820 --> 00:08:09,789
They're like, "No phone.
Who dis?"

136
00:08:12,124 --> 00:08:15,962
Like, just give us the cash!

137
00:08:22,835 --> 00:08:26,305
We want our reparations.

138
00:08:28,908 --> 00:08:33,212
We want unmarked bills
in a duffel bag.

139
00:08:36,549 --> 00:08:40,753
It's 2021, and we're still
waiting on that.

140
00:08:40,853 --> 00:08:44,490
Now, there are obvious reasons
for that, you know --

141
00:08:44,557 --> 00:08:49,161
racism, the government,
folks don't want to acknowledge

142
00:08:49,228 --> 00:08:51,697
that enslaved people
helped build this country.

143
00:08:51,764 --> 00:08:53,499
You know?
-Mm-hmm.

144
00:08:57,036 --> 00:08:59,372
Mm-hmm.

145
00:09:02,508 --> 00:09:04,243
That is the Bat-Signal
for Viola.

146
00:09:04,343 --> 00:09:06,279
She was like, "You need me?"

147
00:09:21,260 --> 00:09:25,464
But also, you know, we as
Black people have not come

148
00:09:25,565 --> 00:09:28,601
to a group consensus
about what we want,

149
00:09:28,701 --> 00:09:30,603
and that's understandable.

150
00:09:30,703 --> 00:09:32,204
It's a big deal, you know?

151
00:09:32,271 --> 00:09:34,373
Like, have you guys ever tried
to plan a lunch

152
00:09:34,440 --> 00:09:36,108
for eight people?

153
00:09:39,111 --> 00:09:42,615
You turn into a hostage
negotiator, you know?

154
00:09:46,385 --> 00:09:49,722
You're like, "Ma'am, ma'am,

155
00:09:49,789 --> 00:09:53,492
I'm gonna need you
to step away from the Grubhub.

156
00:09:53,593 --> 00:09:56,762
sweetgreens is on its way.
Ma'am."

157
00:09:59,265 --> 00:10:03,669
So if something as simple as
ordering lunch is tough to do,

158
00:10:03,769 --> 00:10:06,105
then of course it makes
sense that not all

159
00:10:06,172 --> 00:10:08,140
Black people are on
the same page

160
00:10:08,240 --> 00:10:11,777
about what we want
our reparations to be.

161
00:10:11,844 --> 00:10:12,979
You know?

162
00:10:13,079 --> 00:10:16,616
Like, some people want holidays.

163
00:10:16,682 --> 00:10:20,186
Some people want the cash.

164
00:10:20,286 --> 00:10:23,456
And then there are those people
I hate --

165
00:10:23,522 --> 00:10:26,192
those militant
Black dudes on the street

166
00:10:26,292 --> 00:10:27,860
who are like,

167
00:10:27,960 --> 00:10:31,330
"The white man hasn't repaid us
for what he stole.

168
00:10:31,430 --> 00:10:33,432
I want my 40 acres and a mule."

169
00:10:33,499 --> 00:10:35,134
And I'm like, "Shut up!

170
00:10:35,201 --> 00:10:38,471
Shut the fuck up!"

171
00:10:44,610 --> 00:10:46,512
I don't want 40 acres
and a mule.

172
00:10:46,612 --> 00:10:48,814
That is too much work.

173
00:10:51,183 --> 00:10:55,121
I can't do Summer Fridays
when I have 40 acres and a mule.

174
00:11:00,226 --> 00:11:02,795
These militant Black dudes,
they are ruining everything

175
00:11:02,862 --> 00:11:05,364
'cause they're so loud.

176
00:11:05,464 --> 00:11:08,534
They're gonna screw it all up
for all of us.

177
00:11:08,634 --> 00:11:13,139
Like, we got to stop them from
blabbing their mouths, okay?

178
00:11:13,205 --> 00:11:15,141
Like, the next time we see one
on the street,

179
00:11:15,207 --> 00:11:18,010
just talking about
their 40 acres and a mule,

180
00:11:18,077 --> 00:11:20,980
we got to just chloroform
the shit out that motherfucker.

181
00:11:21,047 --> 00:11:22,848
"Swipe. Sleep.

182
00:11:22,915 --> 00:11:25,351
Sleep. Sleep."

183
00:11:35,361 --> 00:11:39,165
Now, that was just a directive

184
00:11:39,231 --> 00:11:41,333
for the Black people
in the room.

185
00:11:46,605 --> 00:11:48,340
Just an FYI.

186
00:11:51,177 --> 00:11:52,878
I don't want no white people
out here

187
00:11:52,945 --> 00:11:55,781
with a chloroform rag
in their hand...

188
00:11:57,683 --> 00:12:00,920
...unless they just
use it on themselves.

189
00:12:01,020 --> 00:12:03,756
Just knock yourself out
so I can walk by,

190
00:12:03,856 --> 00:12:05,624
take your bus pass and $30.

191
00:12:05,725 --> 00:12:07,393
Thank you.

192
00:12:10,696 --> 00:12:14,300
But for real, I don't want
40 acres and a mule.

193
00:12:14,400 --> 00:12:16,702
We got to update
these reparations

194
00:12:16,769 --> 00:12:19,638
to stuff that's
gonna benefit my life.

195
00:12:21,640 --> 00:12:25,611
Like, I want free
Beyoncé concert tickets...

196
00:12:25,711 --> 00:12:28,614
[ Cheers and applause ]

197
00:12:28,714 --> 00:12:33,986
...and a Toyota Corolla
with a fish tank in the back

198
00:12:34,086 --> 00:12:37,089
like this
is "Pimp My Ride," okay?

199
00:12:39,725 --> 00:12:43,963
Xzibit hasn't worked since
that show went off the air,

200
00:12:44,063 --> 00:12:47,666
so this is not only
a reboot but job creation.

201
00:12:49,769 --> 00:12:51,670
I'm a politician now, okay?

202
00:12:55,741 --> 00:12:59,912
Brooklyn, make some
no-o-o-o-o-o-o-ise.

203
00:12:59,979 --> 00:13:02,181
[ Cheers and applause ]

204
00:13:05,117 --> 00:13:08,954
It feels so good to be out!

205
00:13:13,159 --> 00:13:17,329
♪ And away from my boyfriend ♪

206
00:13:19,598 --> 00:13:24,270
'Cause I can't talk to him
no more, you guys!

207
00:13:24,336 --> 00:13:29,141
I love him, but we quarantined
for 15 months.

208
00:13:29,208 --> 00:13:33,679
Just day in, day out,
constant exposure.

209
00:13:37,316 --> 00:13:38,551
Don't nobody want to live

210
00:13:38,651 --> 00:13:43,022
the Martin Scorsese cut
of a relationship.

211
00:13:43,122 --> 00:13:46,892
We need to speed this up.

212
00:13:46,992 --> 00:13:48,194
And, look, I get it.

213
00:13:48,294 --> 00:13:51,230
No one was thriving
during quarantine, okay?

214
00:13:51,330 --> 00:13:53,132
Like, if you live by yourself,

215
00:13:53,199 --> 00:13:54,667
I'm sure there were moments
where you're like,

216
00:13:54,733 --> 00:13:57,469
"You know, it'd be nice
to kick it with someone."

217
00:13:57,536 --> 00:13:58,871
That's real.

218
00:13:58,971 --> 00:14:01,040
I acknowledge that.

219
00:14:01,140 --> 00:14:05,978
But what's also real is that

220
00:14:06,045 --> 00:14:08,581
if you quarantine
with another person,

221
00:14:08,681 --> 00:14:14,320
sometimes you just wanted them
to shut the fuck up!

222
00:14:20,659 --> 00:14:24,163
Hell, I wanted me to shut
the fuck up, okay?

223
00:14:24,230 --> 00:14:29,435
I don't have 15 months'
worth of things to say.

224
00:14:29,535 --> 00:14:31,503
At best, I have three weeks,

225
00:14:31,570 --> 00:14:34,206
and half of that is
just me going,

226
00:14:34,273 --> 00:14:37,176
"Why hasn't Michael B. Jordan
gotten me pregnant yet?"

227
00:14:43,749 --> 00:14:46,852
I'm still trying to fill out
these A-cup bras.

228
00:14:48,954 --> 00:14:51,624
But when you're one-on-one
for 15 months,

229
00:14:51,724 --> 00:14:53,726
there's nowhere to hide, right?

230
00:14:53,792 --> 00:14:58,364
All eyes are on you to help fill
time with good conversation,

231
00:14:58,430 --> 00:15:01,033
and it made me wish
I could talk to my boyfriend

232
00:15:01,100 --> 00:15:05,771
the way that I wrote
my high-school term papers.

233
00:15:05,871 --> 00:15:10,709
'Cause when I had a paper due
and nothing to say,

234
00:15:10,776 --> 00:15:14,246
I just highlighted everything
in my Microsoft Word doc,

235
00:15:14,313 --> 00:15:18,083
blew that up
to Helvetica size 24,

236
00:15:18,150 --> 00:15:21,053
and met the page requirement,
right?

237
00:15:21,120 --> 00:15:23,289
But you can't do that
in real life.

238
00:15:23,389 --> 00:15:25,457
In real life, all conversation

239
00:15:25,557 --> 00:15:32,731
is Times New Roman size 11
single-spaced.

240
00:15:38,304 --> 00:15:39,305
Now, don't get me wrong.

241
00:15:39,405 --> 00:15:40,906
I love my boyfriend.
I do.

242
00:15:40,973 --> 00:15:43,642
He's my soul mate,
my best friend.

243
00:15:43,742 --> 00:15:47,346
But during quarantine,
he was giving me major,

244
00:15:47,446 --> 00:15:50,783
"Do you have a moment
to talk about the environment?"

245
00:15:52,851 --> 00:15:55,287
You know those guys
on the street with vests,

246
00:15:55,354 --> 00:15:59,858
holding clipboards,
just getting in your way,

247
00:15:59,959 --> 00:16:02,194
asking you questions?

248
00:16:02,294 --> 00:16:03,662
That was my boyfriend.

249
00:16:03,762 --> 00:16:06,498
He was just tracking
all over the apartment, okay?

250
00:16:06,598 --> 00:16:08,300
He was like, "Are you hungry?

251
00:16:08,367 --> 00:16:10,035
Want to order out?

252
00:16:10,135 --> 00:16:13,172
Do you want to watch
a movie or play checkers?

253
00:16:13,272 --> 00:16:15,841
Hey, I'm just checking in.
I want to see how your day is."

254
00:16:15,941 --> 00:16:21,380
And I was like, "Man, you have
an uncut livestream feed

255
00:16:21,480 --> 00:16:23,849
of how my day is going."

256
00:16:26,652 --> 00:16:30,522
"Three farts, two poops.

257
00:16:30,622 --> 00:16:34,660
This is the most regular
I have been in my life."

258
00:16:37,129 --> 00:16:39,164
But for real, I couldn't have
gotten through quarantine

259
00:16:39,231 --> 00:16:40,866
without him,

260
00:16:40,966 --> 00:16:44,903
and it was mostly chill
until the very end,

261
00:16:45,004 --> 00:16:47,706
when he got COVID.

262
00:16:47,806 --> 00:16:50,142
I know.
When we got --

263
00:16:52,511 --> 00:16:54,646
Did that sound disingenuous?

264
00:16:58,751 --> 00:17:02,087
I'm working on my intention
behind my words.

265
00:17:04,390 --> 00:17:06,492
No, but, no,
I was very stressed out.

266
00:17:06,558 --> 00:17:08,660
You know, when we got
the official diagnosis,

267
00:17:08,727 --> 00:17:13,599
like 95% of me was like,
"Oh, my God, no,"

268
00:17:13,699 --> 00:17:19,605
but that 5% was like,
"Ye-e-e-e-e-s!

269
00:17:19,705 --> 00:17:22,674
Alone ti-i-i-i-me!"

270
00:17:24,843 --> 00:17:28,414
So he had custody
of the bedroom,

271
00:17:28,514 --> 00:17:33,419
and I slept on the living-room
couch for three weeks.

272
00:17:33,519 --> 00:17:38,357
Y'all, when I packed to live
in the living room...

273
00:17:45,464 --> 00:17:49,101
...I packed like I was going
on vacation

274
00:17:49,201 --> 00:17:51,637
to Tulum, okay?

275
00:17:53,539 --> 00:17:54,873
I hit up some of my girlfriends

276
00:17:54,940 --> 00:17:56,775
who were also isolating
from their partners,

277
00:17:56,875 --> 00:18:01,046
and I was just like,
"Girl, what you wearing?"

278
00:18:02,881 --> 00:18:07,252
"Are we going out,
or are we going out-out?

279
00:18:07,319 --> 00:18:08,787
'Cause if we're only going out,

280
00:18:08,887 --> 00:18:13,258
I'm just bringing yoga pants
and a Brené Brown book."

281
00:18:18,163 --> 00:18:22,134
But when Bae had COVID,

282
00:18:22,234 --> 00:18:24,570
it taught us a lot
about ourselves.

283
00:18:24,636 --> 00:18:29,741
Like, I learned that I am
a terrible caregiver.

284
00:18:31,910 --> 00:18:34,746
And I was shocked, okay?

285
00:18:40,752 --> 00:18:44,089
I was -- I swore, by the end
of those three weeks,

286
00:18:44,156 --> 00:18:49,428
he was gonna write a letter
to "The Kelly Clarkson Show"

287
00:18:49,495 --> 00:18:52,998
about my bravery,

288
00:18:53,098 --> 00:18:54,433
and as a reward,

289
00:18:54,500 --> 00:18:57,636
she was gonna give me
a brand-new Kia Sorento.

290
00:19:00,038 --> 00:19:03,442
But that's not what
had happened, y'all.

291
00:19:03,509 --> 00:19:05,210
And I tried.
I really did.

292
00:19:05,310 --> 00:19:08,447
Like, in the beginning,
I delivered his meals with,

293
00:19:08,514 --> 00:19:12,684
like, a spoken-word poem
about how much I love him.

294
00:19:12,784 --> 00:19:15,954
I was just like,
"Back when we met."

295
00:19:22,528 --> 00:19:27,299
But by the end of those
three weeks, y'all,

296
00:19:27,366 --> 00:19:31,336
I was like a waitress
in a diner at rush hour.

297
00:19:32,838 --> 00:19:36,341
I was just like,
"No substitutions!"

298
00:19:37,976 --> 00:19:40,045
"I'm busy!"

299
00:19:42,681 --> 00:19:46,351
Y'all, he was my only customer,

300
00:19:46,418 --> 00:19:49,488
and I couldn't handle it.

301
00:19:49,555 --> 00:19:52,524
And I was shocked to learn
that about myself,

302
00:19:52,591 --> 00:19:54,927
because I didn't think
I was gonna learn anything

303
00:19:55,027 --> 00:19:56,995
in this relationship.

304
00:19:57,062 --> 00:19:58,697
I didn't.

305
00:20:01,333 --> 00:20:02,935
When I got into
this relationship,

306
00:20:03,035 --> 00:20:07,573
I thought I was just gonna
point out all his flaws,

307
00:20:07,673 --> 00:20:11,243
break him down as a person,

308
00:20:11,343 --> 00:20:14,713
and build him back up
into the man of my dreams.

309
00:20:22,554 --> 00:20:28,126
But sometimes he pulls out
a mirror and holds it up to me,

310
00:20:28,227 --> 00:20:33,432
and I'm like, "Where did
you get this mirror from?"

311
00:20:39,638 --> 00:20:41,607
"Is Wayfair having a sale
or something?

312
00:20:41,707 --> 00:20:43,375
What's up?"

313
00:20:47,045 --> 00:20:48,947
So I'm in therapy.

314
00:20:50,983 --> 00:20:54,486
I am the first Black person
in my Black-ass family

315
00:20:54,586 --> 00:20:56,722
to go to therapy.

316
00:21:01,627 --> 00:21:06,565
Now, I'm not expecting to be put
on a Black History Month stamp

317
00:21:06,632 --> 00:21:08,734
because of it,

318
00:21:08,800 --> 00:21:10,802
but I feel like this achievement
deserves something.

319
00:21:10,902 --> 00:21:12,170
You know what I mean?

320
00:21:12,271 --> 00:21:13,739
-Yeah.
-Yeah.

321
00:21:13,805 --> 00:21:17,276
Like, my portrait
on a commemorative plate,

322
00:21:17,342 --> 00:21:22,080
a McDonald's scholarship fund
named in my honor,

323
00:21:22,147 --> 00:21:25,784
Howard University dedicating
a step routine to me.

324
00:21:29,421 --> 00:21:30,922
They're just like,

325
00:21:30,989 --> 00:21:33,325
♪ "Phoebe is conquering her ♪

326
00:21:33,425 --> 00:21:35,527
Seasonal affective disorder!"

327
00:21:44,102 --> 00:21:46,638
I love therapy.
I do.

328
00:21:46,705 --> 00:21:49,107
It's making me a better person.

329
00:21:49,174 --> 00:21:51,276
I have someone to talk to
when I'm stressed out,

330
00:21:51,343 --> 00:21:54,513
which is great.

331
00:21:54,613 --> 00:21:58,550
I feel like my dad
could use some therapy.

332
00:21:58,650 --> 00:22:01,153
Just so he has someone to talk
to about his anxieties.

333
00:22:01,219 --> 00:22:02,521
You know what I mean?

334
00:22:02,621 --> 00:22:05,390
And if he doesn't want to do
ther-ther, fine.

335
00:22:08,193 --> 00:22:09,328
That's "therapy."

336
00:22:09,394 --> 00:22:11,997
Um...

337
00:22:12,064 --> 00:22:14,299
He could at least write
in a journal.

338
00:22:14,366 --> 00:22:15,801
You know what I mean?

339
00:22:15,867 --> 00:22:18,737
Jot down all his thoughts.

340
00:22:18,837 --> 00:22:22,374
Keep them to himself.

341
00:22:22,474 --> 00:22:24,409
But he doesn't do that.

342
00:22:24,509 --> 00:22:31,083
Instead, he sends group e-mails
to the whole family,

343
00:22:31,183 --> 00:22:34,820
so now his thoughts
are everybody's problems.

344
00:22:36,988 --> 00:22:41,393
Like, he loves sending us
msn.com slide shows

345
00:22:41,493 --> 00:22:43,428
where you have
to click through,

346
00:22:43,528 --> 00:22:47,733
like, 20 Activia yogurt ads

347
00:22:47,833 --> 00:22:51,169
before you can see
the next slide, you know?

348
00:22:51,236 --> 00:22:52,604
It's just like, "Click, click,
click, click,

349
00:22:52,704 --> 00:22:54,072
click, click, click.

350
00:22:54,172 --> 00:22:56,074
Oh.

351
00:22:56,174 --> 00:22:58,744
Hilary Swank is one
of the top-10 celebrities

352
00:22:58,844 --> 00:22:59,911
who uses coupons."

353
00:23:00,011 --> 00:23:02,748
I'm like...
They just come in.

354
00:23:02,848 --> 00:23:04,449
I get the notifications
all the time.

355
00:23:04,549 --> 00:23:05,884
It's annoying.

356
00:23:05,951 --> 00:23:09,221
It's like, "Bing --
first it was toilet paper.

357
00:23:09,287 --> 00:23:12,190
Now we're running out
of refrigerators."

358
00:23:14,025 --> 00:23:17,462
Bing -- "Here's the real reason
why 'Entourage' star

359
00:23:17,562 --> 00:23:20,532
Adrian Grenier
left Hollywood."

360
00:23:25,070 --> 00:23:26,938
Bing -- "Is it just me?"

361
00:23:27,038 --> 00:23:30,142
Yes, motherfucker,
it's just you!

362
00:23:37,883 --> 00:23:40,786
The e-mail is coming
from inside the house.

363
00:23:40,886 --> 00:23:43,955
It's you.

364
00:23:44,055 --> 00:23:46,258
Leave me alone, man.

365
00:23:48,126 --> 00:23:49,661
And I get that he means well

366
00:23:49,761 --> 00:23:51,129
and wants to have
an open dialogue

367
00:23:51,229 --> 00:23:53,231
about any and everything,

368
00:23:53,298 --> 00:23:55,434
and I'm grateful to have a dad
who likes to talk

369
00:23:55,500 --> 00:23:57,469
because not all dads
are like that,

370
00:23:57,569 --> 00:24:01,006
but it's getting out of control,

371
00:24:01,106 --> 00:24:05,444
because the other morning,
he put the entire family

372
00:24:05,510 --> 00:24:11,116
and my boyfriend
on a group e-mail.

373
00:24:11,183 --> 00:24:16,087
The subject heading
was in all caps, and it read,

374
00:24:16,154 --> 00:24:20,258
"SHOULD I TAKE TYLENOL,
ADVIL, OR ASPIRIN?"

375
00:24:25,197 --> 00:24:27,432
Nothing in the body
of the e-mail.

376
00:24:32,270 --> 00:24:33,638
I was like, "I don't know, dawg.

377
00:24:33,705 --> 00:24:36,441
If you don't know, I don't know.

378
00:24:36,508 --> 00:24:39,878
You are 61 years old
and still worried about this?

379
00:24:39,978 --> 00:24:42,514
Go to therapy, man.

380
00:24:42,614 --> 00:24:44,683
Talk to a profesh."

381
00:24:49,721 --> 00:24:51,957
The therapy's been good for me.

382
00:24:52,023 --> 00:24:56,561
I feel like I've become
a better partner,

383
00:24:56,661 --> 00:25:00,532
making my relationship
with my boyfriend stronger.

384
00:25:00,632 --> 00:25:05,070
Like, Bae and I just celebrated
our four-year anniversary.

385
00:25:18,817 --> 00:25:20,018
You know I just got this hair

386
00:25:20,085 --> 00:25:23,989
'cause I'm just like,
"Look. Look."

387
00:25:26,091 --> 00:25:28,426
Yeah, we celebrated
our four-year anniversary.

388
00:25:28,527 --> 00:25:32,063
It ain't the honeymoon phase
anymore, y'all.

389
00:25:32,163 --> 00:25:33,732
Like, we're not staying up
till 5:00

390
00:25:33,832 --> 00:25:36,868
in the morning,
sharing feelings.

391
00:25:36,935 --> 00:25:40,605
At four years in, it's like
"Orange Is the New Black."

392
00:25:40,705 --> 00:25:43,508
I'm just like, "Lights out,
inmates!"

393
00:25:46,678 --> 00:25:49,748
"I'll see you tomorrow
at commissary."

394
00:25:51,850 --> 00:25:53,518
"Leave me alone.

395
00:25:53,585 --> 00:25:55,287
Good night."

396
00:25:57,422 --> 00:26:00,058
I remember when he and I
talked about moving in together.

397
00:26:00,125 --> 00:26:02,527
We were long-distance
at the time,

398
00:26:02,594 --> 00:26:05,263
and when we had
the conversation,

399
00:26:05,363 --> 00:26:08,199
I didn't really know
what was happening.

400
00:26:10,402 --> 00:26:16,207
'Cause he has a smooth accent,
so I just got caught up

401
00:26:16,274 --> 00:26:20,278
and didn't realize
what I was agreeing to, okay?

402
00:26:20,378 --> 00:26:23,615
We were on FaceTime one night,
and he goes,

403
00:26:23,715 --> 00:26:25,617
"You know, I travel
all the time for work,

404
00:26:25,717 --> 00:26:27,285
so I think I'm just
gonna save my money

405
00:26:27,385 --> 00:26:28,887
and give up my apartment,"

406
00:26:28,954 --> 00:26:33,758
and I was like, "Suze Orman
would love this decision!"

407
00:26:38,496 --> 00:26:41,099
And he was like, "Yeah, I'm just
gonna give away all my stuff,"

408
00:26:41,166 --> 00:26:43,969
and I was like,
"Oh, he's philanthropic, too?"

409
00:26:46,571 --> 00:26:48,006
And then he goes, "Yeah,
and when

410
00:26:48,106 --> 00:26:50,976
I'm not on the road working,
I'll be here with you."

411
00:26:51,076 --> 00:26:53,812
And I was like, "Oh, my God.

412
00:26:53,912 --> 00:26:57,015
My boyfriend loves me so much

413
00:26:57,115 --> 00:27:01,186
that he wants to spend
all his free time with me."

414
00:27:01,286 --> 00:27:05,490
And my friends were like,
"You idiot.

415
00:27:05,590 --> 00:27:10,962
He just Jedi-mind-tricked you
into moving into your place."

416
00:27:11,029 --> 00:27:14,499
And I was like, "Ohhhhhh."

417
00:27:15,333 --> 00:27:18,870
"Is that how colonialism
started?

418
00:27:18,970 --> 00:27:21,706
No-o-o-o-o!"

419
00:27:28,947 --> 00:27:32,484
That's how Jamaica
got caught up, y'all.

420
00:27:37,656 --> 00:27:43,361
So I've been colonized...

421
00:27:43,461 --> 00:27:45,363
by bad teeth and foreskin.

422
00:27:45,463 --> 00:27:46,698
-Ohh!
-Ohh!

423
00:27:46,798 --> 00:27:49,034
"Ohhh!"

424
00:27:49,134 --> 00:27:50,502
You can't judge me.

425
00:27:50,568 --> 00:27:53,138
I'm standing in my truth, okay?

426
00:27:54,906 --> 00:27:57,976
Now, I know this isn't a life
that Maya Angelou

427
00:27:58,043 --> 00:28:00,145
would've envisioned
for me, okay?

428
00:28:03,148 --> 00:28:05,817
But still I rise.

429
00:28:14,392 --> 00:28:16,161
Keeping my head up.

430
00:28:17,862 --> 00:28:24,669
Now, this is my first experience
with an uncircumcised peen,

431
00:28:24,736 --> 00:28:26,204
and I love it.

432
00:28:26,271 --> 00:28:29,040
It's great, you guys.

433
00:28:29,107 --> 00:28:31,109
I know it's not common here
in America,

434
00:28:31,209 --> 00:28:33,745
so people tend to freak
out a little bit.

435
00:28:33,845 --> 00:28:35,547
Like, when I first
started dating him,

436
00:28:35,613 --> 00:28:37,048
and I told some
of my friends about it.

437
00:28:37,115 --> 00:28:38,616
I was like, "Oh, I'm dating
this British guy.

438
00:28:38,717 --> 00:28:41,920
It's new, but I think it could
be something special."

439
00:28:42,020 --> 00:28:43,354
And some of them were just like,

440
00:28:43,421 --> 00:28:48,727
"Girl, you need to do
a Google Image search..."

441
00:28:50,528 --> 00:28:53,431
"...to see what you're about
to get yourself into."

442
00:28:53,531 --> 00:28:56,568
And I was like, "I'm not wasting
my LTE on this.

443
00:28:56,634 --> 00:28:59,771
It's fine."

444
00:28:59,871 --> 00:29:02,307
Like, who's uncircumcised here?

445
00:29:05,210 --> 00:29:10,715
I'm just collecting data
for my census report

446
00:29:10,782 --> 00:29:14,085
to give to the Biden
administration.

447
00:29:14,152 --> 00:29:16,788
Really, no one?
Just my boyfriend?

448
00:29:16,888 --> 00:29:18,890
My boyfriend is the only one
with a dick

449
00:29:18,957 --> 00:29:21,459
that looks like Steve Jobs
pulling on a turtleneck?

450
00:29:21,559 --> 00:29:22,994
Okay.

451
00:29:25,296 --> 00:29:27,298
Great PowerPoint presentations.

452
00:29:27,398 --> 00:29:29,100
That's all I'm saying.

453
00:29:31,069 --> 00:29:33,471
For real, though,
an uncircumcised peen,

454
00:29:33,571 --> 00:29:36,174
it's not that big of a deal.

455
00:29:36,274 --> 00:29:41,246
All it is, is
an unexpected houseguest, okay?

456
00:29:43,181 --> 00:29:47,752
You're throwing a party,
you invite a friend,

457
00:29:47,819 --> 00:29:51,489
and they bring someone
that you didn't know about.

458
00:29:51,589 --> 00:29:53,858
And at first you're kind
of annoyed,

459
00:29:53,958 --> 00:29:55,927
but then you see that person
has Stacy's Pita Chips,

460
00:29:55,994 --> 00:29:58,463
so you're like,
"Alright, come right on in."

461
00:30:05,436 --> 00:30:06,838
I'm not turning down Stacy's.

462
00:30:06,938 --> 00:30:08,640
That's a quality chip.

463
00:30:12,143 --> 00:30:14,712
But dating bae for this long
has me thinking

464
00:30:14,813 --> 00:30:18,550
that we have to stop
circumcising baby boys, okay?

465
00:30:18,650 --> 00:30:21,152
It's just a very aggressive
thing to do

466
00:30:21,219 --> 00:30:23,388
to a baby
that's coming into the world,

467
00:30:23,488 --> 00:30:25,623
and I believe they should be
able to make their own choices

468
00:30:25,690 --> 00:30:27,225
about what they want to do
with their bodies.

469
00:30:27,325 --> 00:30:28,693
You know what I mean?

470
00:30:28,793 --> 00:30:32,197
Like, I remember when my dad
told me, he was like,

471
00:30:32,297 --> 00:30:33,565
"When you were a baby,

472
00:30:33,665 --> 00:30:37,035
your grandma wanted
to pierce your ears,

473
00:30:37,135 --> 00:30:38,403
and I put my foot down.

474
00:30:38,503 --> 00:30:39,871
I said, 'No.

475
00:30:39,971 --> 00:30:42,373
I'm raising my daughter
to be a feminist,

476
00:30:42,473 --> 00:30:44,042
and she's not gonna
get anything pierced

477
00:30:44,142 --> 00:30:45,310
unless she wants it pierced.

478
00:30:45,376 --> 00:30:48,179
She has control
over her own body.'"

479
00:30:53,084 --> 00:30:54,052
I mean, that's dope.

480
00:30:54,152 --> 00:30:56,387
I love that he said that.

481
00:30:56,487 --> 00:31:01,159
However, when my brother
was born,

482
00:31:01,226 --> 00:31:05,230
just fresh out the oven,
he was like,

483
00:31:05,330 --> 00:31:07,198
"Ugh, cut that shit off!"

484
00:31:10,201 --> 00:31:14,772
So that's okay, but taking me
to Claire's is a bridge too far.

485
00:31:14,873 --> 00:31:16,541
Is that...?

486
00:31:19,344 --> 00:31:24,282
I'm just saying, we got to stop
circumcising baby boys,

487
00:31:24,382 --> 00:31:26,784
and I tell
some of my friends this,

488
00:31:26,885 --> 00:31:28,453
and a couple of them said,
"Well, you know, Phoebe,

489
00:31:28,553 --> 00:31:31,089
part of the reason
why we circumcise guys here

490
00:31:31,189 --> 00:31:34,125
is that it's just easier
to clean a penis that way,"

491
00:31:34,225 --> 00:31:37,929
and I was like, "What?"

492
00:31:38,029 --> 00:31:42,033
Who hasn't been
cleaning their dicks?"

493
00:31:44,068 --> 00:31:50,541
Is the bar so low
for American men

494
00:31:50,608 --> 00:31:54,279
that they can't be trusted
to clean their own penises?

495
00:31:57,482 --> 00:31:58,917
It's not like a Brita filter

496
00:31:58,983 --> 00:32:03,154
that we all have in our fridge
and never swap out.

497
00:32:03,254 --> 00:32:05,123
It's your dick.
It's attached to you.

498
00:32:05,223 --> 00:32:07,458
This is my TED Talk.
It's called "Clean Your Dick."

499
00:32:07,558 --> 00:32:09,260
What are we doing?

500
00:32:16,634 --> 00:32:18,803
All you got to do is dip the tip

501
00:32:18,903 --> 00:32:24,442
in a bottle of Dr. Bronner's
and keep it moving.

502
00:32:32,817 --> 00:32:34,652
Seriously, it's not
that difficult

503
00:32:34,752 --> 00:32:36,154
to clean an uncircumcised penis,

504
00:32:36,254 --> 00:32:38,489
and I know this
because my boyfriend and I,

505
00:32:38,589 --> 00:32:41,292
we take showers together
sometimes.

506
00:32:41,359 --> 00:32:45,663
And I got to tell ya,
he's nailing it.

507
00:32:45,763 --> 00:32:49,701
Okay, he is a Hall of Famer
at this point, alright?

508
00:32:49,801 --> 00:32:52,770
My boyfriend cleans his dick

509
00:32:52,837 --> 00:32:56,274
like he is polishing
a family heirloom.

510
00:32:59,043 --> 00:33:00,511
Okay?

511
00:33:00,611 --> 00:33:06,718
He has the white gloves on,
the jeweler magnifying glass,

512
00:33:06,818 --> 00:33:08,519
an appraiser from
"Antiques Roadshow"

513
00:33:08,619 --> 00:33:12,690
is just off to the side,
giving a thumbs-up.

514
00:33:18,229 --> 00:33:19,397
Like I said, bae and I,

515
00:33:19,497 --> 00:33:22,467
we're constantly learning
about each other,

516
00:33:22,533 --> 00:33:24,168
and another thing
I learned about him

517
00:33:24,235 --> 00:33:28,673
is he's a sweaty dude,
which is fine.

518
00:33:28,740 --> 00:33:29,874
I'm a sweaty gal.

519
00:33:29,974 --> 00:33:32,643
We found love
in a hopeless place.

520
00:33:32,710 --> 00:33:35,079
Thank you, Rihanna.

521
00:33:35,179 --> 00:33:38,349
And he's always trying to find
ways to be comfortable,

522
00:33:38,416 --> 00:33:40,885
and I don't want
to judge his process,

523
00:33:40,985 --> 00:33:44,222
but I think it's getting
out of hand

524
00:33:44,322 --> 00:33:46,724
because I caught him
in the bathroom one time

525
00:33:46,824 --> 00:33:50,228
after taking a shower
like this.

526
00:33:51,863 --> 00:33:53,264
And what he was doing

527
00:33:53,364 --> 00:33:55,566
is he had a bottle of Gold Bond
powder in his hand,

528
00:33:55,666 --> 00:33:58,903
and he was dumping it
all over his crotch

529
00:33:59,003 --> 00:34:00,238
so that, throughout the day,

530
00:34:00,338 --> 00:34:01,873
the powder would absorb
the sweat,

531
00:34:01,939 --> 00:34:03,908
and he'd be comfortable,
alright?

532
00:34:04,008 --> 00:34:07,245
So he saw me and was like,
"Oh, hey,"

533
00:34:07,345 --> 00:34:09,781
and he went right back to it.

534
00:34:12,417 --> 00:34:15,920
And I was like,
"Uh...we need to unpack this.

535
00:34:16,020 --> 00:34:19,223
What is going on?"

536
00:34:19,290 --> 00:34:21,893
And he goes,
"Oh, everyone does this,"

537
00:34:21,959 --> 00:34:24,362
and he goes right back to it.

538
00:34:26,531 --> 00:34:29,100
And I was like, "Mm,

539
00:34:29,200 --> 00:34:31,569
I don't think
this has swept the nashe."

540
00:34:31,636 --> 00:34:33,871
You know what I mean?

541
00:34:33,938 --> 00:34:35,406
This isn't "Despacito."

542
00:34:35,473 --> 00:34:38,242
I don't think...

543
00:34:38,309 --> 00:34:42,713
everyone is just
furiously powdering their balls.

544
00:34:42,780 --> 00:34:46,584
But all I could think as he was
going to town was,

545
00:34:46,651 --> 00:34:49,887
"Why don't you season
your food..."

546
00:34:58,996 --> 00:35:02,300
"...the way you season
your dick?"

547
00:35:05,803 --> 00:35:07,138
Like, weren't your people

548
00:35:07,238 --> 00:35:10,741
involved in a spice trade
or something?

549
00:35:11,242 --> 00:35:14,412
Didn't pick up any paprika
along the way?

550
00:35:14,479 --> 00:35:16,114
No?

551
00:35:18,249 --> 00:35:21,352
But, y'all,
this is my soul mate,

552
00:35:21,452 --> 00:35:25,990
and he uses so much powder that
he gets it all over the floor,

553
00:35:26,090 --> 00:35:28,493
and then he steps in it,

554
00:35:28,593 --> 00:35:34,799
so we have Gold Bond
ball-powder footprints

555
00:35:34,866 --> 00:35:38,269
all over the apartment.

556
00:35:39,537 --> 00:35:42,640
It's like living with
a "Home Alone" villain, y'all.

557
00:35:46,144 --> 00:35:48,679
I don't get it, but I don't
want to say anything to him.

558
00:35:48,779 --> 00:35:50,515
We try not to nag each other.

559
00:35:50,615 --> 00:35:54,785
We want our apartment to be
very boho and chill, you know?

560
00:35:54,852 --> 00:35:58,723
Like, for instance, we like
to sit on our furniture naked.

561
00:35:58,823 --> 00:36:00,725
We paid for it.
It's ours.

562
00:36:00,825 --> 00:36:02,793
Cool. Right?

563
00:36:02,860 --> 00:36:06,998
Except you can't sit
on the furniture naked

564
00:36:07,064 --> 00:36:11,536
if you've just powdered
your balls!

565
00:36:20,578 --> 00:36:26,717
Y'all, it's like every chair
he gets up from,

566
00:36:26,817 --> 00:36:31,055
he had, like, five seconds left
to garnish a gingerbread house.

567
00:36:33,524 --> 00:36:38,663
I'm like, "Is Mary Berry in the
closet, waiting to judge this?

568
00:36:38,729 --> 00:36:40,565
Who is this for?"

569
00:36:45,937 --> 00:36:49,907
I know I make a lot of jokes
about my boyfriend --

570
00:36:50,007 --> 00:36:54,345
'cause it pays the bills,
heh-heh --

571
00:36:54,412 --> 00:36:56,347
but he's amazing, okay?

572
00:36:56,414 --> 00:36:59,517
He's so smart and funny
and wonderful,

573
00:36:59,584 --> 00:37:03,354
and we have
a really great sex life.

574
00:37:10,361 --> 00:37:11,796
But all of that is him.

575
00:37:11,896 --> 00:37:15,066
None of it's me, okay?

576
00:37:15,132 --> 00:37:17,635
I am trash in bed.

577
00:37:17,735 --> 00:37:20,271
I am.

578
00:37:20,371 --> 00:37:23,374
And it's not gonna change, okay?

579
00:37:23,441 --> 00:37:24,575
I retired.

580
00:37:24,642 --> 00:37:28,212
My jersey's hanging
in the rafters.

581
00:37:28,279 --> 00:37:29,981
I had a good run.

582
00:37:32,083 --> 00:37:37,288
But for real, my sex game,
it needs a lot of work.

583
00:37:37,388 --> 00:37:40,057
Basically, my sex game
is like --

584
00:37:40,124 --> 00:37:43,160
Have you guys seen those
workout videos

585
00:37:43,261 --> 00:37:46,964
where there's always that chick
in the background

586
00:37:47,064 --> 00:37:49,934
who does the modified version...

587
00:37:53,738 --> 00:37:57,441
...of every exercise?

588
00:37:57,508 --> 00:38:00,311
That's me in the bedroom, okay?

589
00:38:00,411 --> 00:38:03,948
My name is Carol,
and I'm giving a solid 37%.

590
00:38:07,985 --> 00:38:10,988
Like, my favorite position
is missionary, okay?

591
00:38:11,088 --> 00:38:14,325
I am tired!

592
00:38:14,425 --> 00:38:20,164
I need the lumbar support
at my age.

593
00:38:20,264 --> 00:38:23,634
I just want to lie down
and be like, "Tell me a tale.

594
00:38:23,701 --> 00:38:26,370
That's it."

595
00:38:28,839 --> 00:38:32,009
And bae, he just, um --

596
00:38:32,109 --> 00:38:33,678
he wants me to, uh, participate.

597
00:38:33,778 --> 00:38:37,014
Um...

598
00:38:37,114 --> 00:38:39,717
And I'm like, "Great note.

599
00:38:39,817 --> 00:38:42,386
I'm gonna file that away
for later."

600
00:38:44,288 --> 00:38:45,723
But whenever he says that,
I'm just like,

601
00:38:45,823 --> 00:38:51,529
"Hon, I am the Rosa Parks
of the bedroom, okay?

602
00:38:51,629 --> 00:38:54,665
I'm not getting up
for any white man."

603
00:38:58,202 --> 00:39:02,473
"I don't know what you want me
to do, babe."

604
00:39:02,540 --> 00:39:06,844
Now, I know that's bad
team-player energy, right,

605
00:39:06,911 --> 00:39:08,713
'cause all he wants is
for me to get on top.

606
00:39:08,813 --> 00:39:13,017
That's it, make that
one subtle change.

607
00:39:13,084 --> 00:39:16,887
But I'm a nightmare on top.

608
00:39:16,987 --> 00:39:18,589
Like, whatever
Megan Thee Stallion

609
00:39:18,689 --> 00:39:22,193
can do, I can't do.

610
00:39:22,259 --> 00:39:25,396
I'm just like, "Is this it?

611
00:39:25,496 --> 00:39:27,698
Is this it?

612
00:39:27,765 --> 00:39:30,167
Is this it?"

613
00:39:30,234 --> 00:39:32,336
And he's like,
"None of that is it."

614
00:39:35,272 --> 00:39:37,575
And, y'all, even
getting into position

615
00:39:37,675 --> 00:39:40,044
is a complete shitshow, okay?

616
00:39:40,111 --> 00:39:43,848
We are never set up for success.

617
00:39:43,914 --> 00:39:45,416
Like, whenever I go,
"Alright, fine,

618
00:39:45,516 --> 00:39:47,051
I'll get on top,"

619
00:39:47,118 --> 00:39:50,688
my boyfriend get so excited
that he lies down on the bed,

620
00:39:50,755 --> 00:39:54,725
spread-eagle like this,

621
00:39:54,792 --> 00:39:57,728
and I'm like, "Close your legs!"

622
00:40:00,731 --> 00:40:03,734
"This is not
'American Ninja Warrior.'"

623
00:40:05,970 --> 00:40:08,773
"Why are you creating obstacles
when I'm trying to have sex

624
00:40:08,873 --> 00:40:10,574
with you, you idiot?"

625
00:40:13,377 --> 00:40:16,981
So I have to, like,
shove his legs closed,

626
00:40:17,081 --> 00:40:20,050
and then by the time I'm done
dealing with his bullshit

627
00:40:20,117 --> 00:40:21,452
and I get on top,

628
00:40:21,552 --> 00:40:24,889
I'm immediately resting
against the headboard.

629
00:40:28,826 --> 00:40:32,797
I'm just like, "Wo-o-o-o-w,

630
00:40:32,897 --> 00:40:36,767
the air up here
is thi-i-i-i-n."

631
00:40:45,142 --> 00:40:46,811
I just start breathing heavy

632
00:40:46,911 --> 00:40:50,448
'cause I'm exhausted
from the summit,

633
00:40:50,514 --> 00:40:54,485
and I didn't pack trail mix or
a Clif Bar to get me through it.

634
00:40:54,585 --> 00:40:57,288
So, like, "Uhh! Uhh!"

635
00:40:57,354 --> 00:40:59,824
And at this point,
I've wasted so much time

636
00:40:59,924 --> 00:41:03,327
that my legs start shaking.

637
00:41:03,427 --> 00:41:06,797
So now he has to take over,
slide me down and up his dick,

638
00:41:06,864 --> 00:41:10,334
just down and up.

639
00:41:10,434 --> 00:41:14,171
I'm officially the heaviest
Fleshlight on the market.

640
00:41:18,142 --> 00:41:19,877
And then when we're done,
I just roll over

641
00:41:19,977 --> 00:41:22,313
'cause I need a Gatorade
and an ice bath.

642
00:41:22,379 --> 00:41:24,381
It is...

643
00:41:24,482 --> 00:41:26,116
I'm just wrapping my knees

644
00:41:26,183 --> 00:41:29,220
like I'm Patrick Ewing
from the '90s.

645
00:41:29,320 --> 00:41:32,122
Just like, "We'll get them
next time, Coach."

646
00:41:43,834 --> 00:41:48,572
Let me tell y'all about
the best night of my life.

647
00:41:48,672 --> 00:41:49,907
[ Light applause ]

648
00:41:50,007 --> 00:41:51,876
[ Laughs ]

649
00:41:54,044 --> 00:41:56,146
Y'all need to get your shit
together.

650
00:41:59,350 --> 00:42:00,818
The best night of my life --

651
00:42:00,885 --> 00:42:04,755
it's all because of the greatest
first lady of all time.

652
00:42:04,855 --> 00:42:07,525
[ Cheers and applause ]

653
00:42:12,563 --> 00:42:14,498
Y'all don't know who
I'm gonna say.

654
00:42:16,433 --> 00:42:17,568
What if I said Melania?

655
00:42:17,668 --> 00:42:19,436
What would y'all have done then?

656
00:42:22,006 --> 00:42:25,843
"Lady Bird" Johnson?
No?

657
00:42:25,910 --> 00:42:28,579
No, it's Michelle Obama.
Of course, it's Michelle Obama.

658
00:42:28,679 --> 00:42:30,347
[ Cheers and applause ]

659
00:42:34,084 --> 00:42:37,555
She asked me to moderate on her
"Becoming" book tour,

660
00:42:37,621 --> 00:42:40,124
and -- yeah, thank you.

661
00:42:40,224 --> 00:42:42,893
[ Cheers and applause ]

662
00:42:45,229 --> 00:42:46,530
And I couldn't believe it.

663
00:42:46,597 --> 00:42:50,067
Like, her asking me to moderate
on her book tour

664
00:42:50,134 --> 00:42:53,270
is kind of like
if Black History Month

665
00:42:53,370 --> 00:42:55,773
tried to get me pregnant
on Kwanzaa.

666
00:42:55,873 --> 00:42:58,442
You know, just...

667
00:42:58,542 --> 00:43:01,812
Feels so pretty.

668
00:43:01,912 --> 00:43:03,981
I was so excited, okay?

669
00:43:04,081 --> 00:43:05,616
Actually, I was very thirsty.

670
00:43:05,716 --> 00:43:09,820
I was so desperate for her
to like me, you know?

671
00:43:09,920 --> 00:43:15,225
Like, my energy around her
was that of a single auntie

672
00:43:15,292 --> 00:43:20,731
at a cookout
looking for fresh peen, okay?

673
00:43:20,798 --> 00:43:23,267
I was just like, "Do you like
potato salad?

674
00:43:23,334 --> 00:43:24,768
Come with me!

675
00:43:24,835 --> 00:43:26,270
Ha-ha!"

676
00:43:29,406 --> 00:43:33,510
But even though I was thirsty,
I still wanted to be profesh.

677
00:43:33,611 --> 00:43:35,479
I read her book forwards
and backwards,

678
00:43:35,579 --> 00:43:38,248
wrote all my questions,
studied her life for a week,

679
00:43:38,315 --> 00:43:42,086
picked out the perfect outfit
to wear, and, most importantly,

680
00:43:42,152 --> 00:43:46,490
I picked out the perfect wig
to wear for this occasion,

681
00:43:46,590 --> 00:43:48,792
because Michelle is one

682
00:43:48,859 --> 00:43:52,830
of the most-photographed
people on the planet, right,

683
00:43:52,930 --> 00:43:56,500
and I can't stand
next to her on stage

684
00:43:56,600 --> 00:43:59,837
wearing a busted-ass wig,

685
00:43:59,937 --> 00:44:04,308
looking like a low-budget
Kerry Washington.

686
00:44:04,375 --> 00:44:06,010
I got to bring it for Meesh,
okay?

687
00:44:06,110 --> 00:44:09,013
So I picked out the right wig
to wear,

688
00:44:09,113 --> 00:44:11,181
and when I did that,
it made me realize

689
00:44:11,281 --> 00:44:12,950
I don't always bring it
for my boyfriend

690
00:44:13,017 --> 00:44:15,853
when it comes to my hair,
you know?

691
00:44:15,953 --> 00:44:18,022
Sometimes it's looking cute.

692
00:44:20,557 --> 00:44:24,294
And other times, it's just, "Mm,
well, this is all you got."

693
00:44:26,163 --> 00:44:29,233
Like, sometimes I'll just be
rocking, like, raggedy cornrows

694
00:44:29,333 --> 00:44:31,702
for, like, eight weeks
at a time.

695
00:44:31,802 --> 00:44:33,671
They start looking like
that abandoned crop field

696
00:44:33,737 --> 00:44:36,407
in M Night Shyamalan's
"Signs."

697
00:44:39,143 --> 00:44:42,813
Other times, I'm just wearing
a floppy-ass sleeping cap

698
00:44:42,880 --> 00:44:46,884
and looking like the chef
from "Ratatouille."

699
00:44:50,220 --> 00:44:52,389
But when I put
that sleeping cap on,

700
00:44:52,489 --> 00:44:54,224
I like doing it
because it lets bae know

701
00:44:54,324 --> 00:44:57,094
this is closed for business.

702
00:44:59,063 --> 00:45:00,898
Like, it's the perfect way
to get out of sex.

703
00:45:00,998 --> 00:45:02,433
You know, I'm just like,
"Oh, babe,

704
00:45:02,533 --> 00:45:03,734
I don't want
to sweat my hair out."

705
00:45:03,834 --> 00:45:05,869
Sleeping cap on.
Night-night.

706
00:45:05,936 --> 00:45:07,504
You know?

707
00:45:07,571 --> 00:45:10,607
And it got me thinking,
what do white women do

708
00:45:10,708 --> 00:45:13,877
when they want to
get out of sex, you know?

709
00:45:13,944 --> 00:45:16,847
Like, what's their go-to
symbol, right?

710
00:45:16,914 --> 00:45:18,582
Like, they can't blame it
on their hair

711
00:45:18,682 --> 00:45:21,552
'cause white women's hair is
built like a ShamWow, you know?

712
00:45:23,554 --> 00:45:28,092
It's made to get wet
and keep it moving, right?

713
00:45:28,192 --> 00:45:30,394
Like, I've seen many
a damp ponytail

714
00:45:30,461 --> 00:45:34,531
just bopping around city,

715
00:45:34,598 --> 00:45:37,801
getting lattes, okay?

716
00:45:39,369 --> 00:45:43,273
So what do white women do when
they want to get out of sex?

717
00:45:43,373 --> 00:45:46,910
Are they just like, "Hon, I wish
I could have sex with you,

718
00:45:46,977 --> 00:45:50,481
but I spent all day
practicing the 'Cups' song."

719
00:46:06,163 --> 00:46:09,066
"Sports injury, babe."

720
00:46:14,104 --> 00:46:16,473
Now, I've never been
a white woman...

721
00:46:18,308 --> 00:46:20,644
...but I'm pretty sure
that theory checks out.

722
00:46:24,348 --> 00:46:26,150
Anyway, I have my wig together,

723
00:46:26,250 --> 00:46:29,920
and I ended up doing
five shows with Michelle.

724
00:46:29,987 --> 00:46:31,488
It was amazing.

725
00:46:31,588 --> 00:46:33,357
[ Cheers and applause ]

726
00:46:37,427 --> 00:46:39,029
And on the night
of our last show,

727
00:46:39,129 --> 00:46:42,366
we were walking back to
our individual dressing rooms.

728
00:46:42,466 --> 00:46:44,601
She goes, "You know,
that was so fun.

729
00:46:44,668 --> 00:46:46,170
What are you doing later?"

730
00:46:46,270 --> 00:46:48,772
And I was like...

731
00:46:50,507 --> 00:46:53,844
..."I don't know.

732
00:46:53,944 --> 00:46:56,680
What are you doing later?"

733
00:46:58,115 --> 00:47:00,350
And she goes, "Well, you know,
since we're all staying

734
00:47:00,450 --> 00:47:03,821
at the same hotel in this city,
and I have friends in from town,

735
00:47:03,887 --> 00:47:06,456
why don't we all just hang out
in the lounge together?"

736
00:47:06,523 --> 00:47:09,126
And I was like, "Yeah,
that sounds cool!"

737
00:47:13,697 --> 00:47:17,701
Like, not smooth at all, okay?

738
00:47:17,801 --> 00:47:22,039
So I race back to my hotel room,
I start changing,

739
00:47:22,139 --> 00:47:24,074
and I'm immediately
sort of psyching myself out.

740
00:47:24,174 --> 00:47:26,877
I'm like, "Oh, man,
I don't think I belong.

741
00:47:26,977 --> 00:47:29,246
She's amazing. Her friends
are gonna be amazing.

742
00:47:29,346 --> 00:47:32,349
I'm gonna embarrass myself.
I just shouldn't go."

743
00:47:32,416 --> 00:47:37,554
And then I was like, "You can't
ghost Michelle Obama."

744
00:47:37,654 --> 00:47:41,592
Like, that's not a thing
that happens.

745
00:47:41,692 --> 00:47:42,926
So I was like, "Alright."

746
00:47:43,026 --> 00:47:44,761
I show up to the lounge,
and as soon as I walk in,

747
00:47:44,862 --> 00:47:47,231
I see her with her friends,
music's playing,

748
00:47:47,331 --> 00:47:48,565
everyone's having a good time,

749
00:47:48,665 --> 00:47:49,933
and, again,
I'm psyching myself out.

750
00:47:50,033 --> 00:47:51,602
I'm like, "Oh, I should leave.

751
00:47:51,702 --> 00:47:53,503
I can't handle this,"
and I go and turn.

752
00:47:53,570 --> 00:47:56,840
And then I see the food spread.

753
00:47:59,276 --> 00:48:04,948
And I was like,
"Oh, we about to be homeys."

754
00:48:08,385 --> 00:48:11,421
The food spread was just
two things, okay?

755
00:48:11,521 --> 00:48:14,524
It was tequila...

756
00:48:14,591 --> 00:48:16,927
and grilled cheese sandwiches.

757
00:48:17,027 --> 00:48:20,030
[ Cheers and applause ]

758
00:48:25,535 --> 00:48:27,571
I saw that, and I was like,

759
00:48:27,638 --> 00:48:34,745
"This bi-
i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-tch."

760
00:48:36,914 --> 00:48:41,551
For eight years, she had us
eating carrots and arugula.

761
00:48:47,724 --> 00:48:51,628
And she's just been eating
yellow cheese this whole time?!

762
00:48:59,002 --> 00:49:00,737
But when I saw that,
I got excited

763
00:49:00,804 --> 00:49:03,273
'cause that's what I like to eat
sometimes after stand-up shows,

764
00:49:03,340 --> 00:49:06,310
so I was like,
"Yas, yas-yas-yas."

765
00:49:06,410 --> 00:49:09,246
And then I was like, "No,"

766
00:49:09,313 --> 00:49:13,016
'cause I am lactose intolerant.

767
00:49:14,785 --> 00:49:16,520
Yeah, I need a little bit
of a heads-up

768
00:49:16,620 --> 00:49:18,956
if I'm gonna have dairy, okay?

769
00:49:19,022 --> 00:49:21,124
So I stood there,
weighing my options.

770
00:49:21,191 --> 00:49:25,429
I was like, "Okay, okay.

771
00:49:25,495 --> 00:49:29,766
On one hand...

772
00:49:29,833 --> 00:49:31,835
I could just eat nothing

773
00:49:31,935 --> 00:49:36,106
and respect
everyone's nostrils.

774
00:49:36,173 --> 00:49:39,376
That's an option.

775
00:49:39,476 --> 00:49:43,180
But on the other hand,
how many times

776
00:49:43,280 --> 00:49:47,150
is Michelle Obama gonna have
grilled cheese with me, right?"

777
00:49:47,217 --> 00:49:51,154
So I dove in, I grabbed
a sandwich, I took a few bites,

778
00:49:51,221 --> 00:49:54,624
I let it sit in my stomach
for several minutes.

779
00:49:54,691 --> 00:49:56,059
Nothing happened.

780
00:49:56,159 --> 00:50:00,530
I was like, "Okay, okay,
okay, okay."

781
00:50:00,630 --> 00:50:01,865
I took a few more bites,

782
00:50:01,965 --> 00:50:04,067
and I let it sit for another
several minutes,

783
00:50:04,167 --> 00:50:07,204
and nothing happened.

784
00:50:07,304 --> 00:50:09,806
I was like, "Oh, my God.

785
00:50:09,873 --> 00:50:14,644
Michelle Obama just cured
my lactose intolerance!"

786
00:50:14,711 --> 00:50:19,182
[ Cheers and applause ]

787
00:50:19,249 --> 00:50:21,585
This is literal
Black Girl Magic.

788
00:50:21,685 --> 00:50:23,754
Fuck you, Harry Potter.

789
00:50:28,358 --> 00:50:30,927
So I got cocky and shoved
the rest of the sandwich

790
00:50:31,028 --> 00:50:34,498
down my dumb face,
and 10 minutes later,

791
00:50:34,564 --> 00:50:38,535
my stomach started bubbling,
and I thought,

792
00:50:38,602 --> 00:50:42,939
"Oh, I can't fart
in front of the first

793
00:50:43,040 --> 00:50:45,876
Black first lady, right?"

794
00:50:45,942 --> 00:50:51,281
Like, that's just disrespectful
to all Black history, you know?

795
00:50:51,381 --> 00:50:54,451
Jackie Robinson.

796
00:50:54,551 --> 00:50:58,121
The Harlem Globetrotters.

797
00:50:58,221 --> 00:51:01,625
The original Aunt Viv
from "Fresh Prince of Bel-Air."

798
00:51:01,725 --> 00:51:03,693
[ Cheers and applause ]

799
00:51:06,430 --> 00:51:09,366
And it's not like I'm precious
about passing gas.

800
00:51:09,433 --> 00:51:12,069
It's a natural
bodily function, okay?

801
00:51:12,135 --> 00:51:14,204
But Michelle doesn't know me
like that,

802
00:51:14,271 --> 00:51:17,107
so I don't want the fart to make
it into the highlight reel

803
00:51:17,207 --> 00:51:21,445
of what she remembers about me.

804
00:51:21,545 --> 00:51:23,947
But for anyone else,
if I got to let her rip,

805
00:51:24,047 --> 00:51:25,916
toot-toot, beep-beep, okay?

806
00:51:30,554 --> 00:51:36,293
Like, I have definitely farted
during sex with my boyfriend,

807
00:51:36,393 --> 00:51:38,795
and not a tiny Betty Boop,
"Ooh,"

808
00:51:38,895 --> 00:51:43,300
where I could hide it, okay?

809
00:51:43,400 --> 00:51:45,735
I'm talking a full-on game
of "Duck Hunt,"

810
00:51:45,802 --> 00:51:48,472
just, "Pyow, pyow, pyow,
pyow, pyow, pyow, pyow!

811
00:51:48,572 --> 00:51:51,408
Brrrrrrrat!
Brrrrrrrrat!

812
00:51:51,475 --> 00:51:53,110
Why is that dog laughing?

813
00:51:53,176 --> 00:51:55,612
Bam, bam, pyow, pyow, pyow,
pyow, pyow, pyow, pyow, pyow!

814
00:51:55,679 --> 00:51:57,414
Brrrrrrrrrat!"

815
00:52:00,417 --> 00:52:05,489
Just 50 clips of farts

816
00:52:05,589 --> 00:52:08,625
over my boyfriend's balls,

817
00:52:08,692 --> 00:52:10,861
powder flying everywhere.

818
00:52:16,366 --> 00:52:19,769
It's like LeBron James
at the NBA finals.

819
00:52:24,441 --> 00:52:26,343
But I can't do that
to Michelle Obama.

820
00:52:26,443 --> 00:52:29,012
She's too classy for that.

821
00:52:29,112 --> 00:52:31,848
So I did the only thing
I could do in that moment.

822
00:52:31,948 --> 00:52:35,552
I just clinched my butt cheeks.

823
00:52:35,652 --> 00:52:40,190
Y'all, it was like Season 6
of "Game of Thrones," okay?

824
00:52:40,290 --> 00:52:43,193
I was just like, "Hold the door!

825
00:52:43,293 --> 00:52:46,463
Hold the door!
Hodor!

826
00:52:46,530 --> 00:52:50,467
Hodo-o-o-o-o-r!"

827
00:53:01,311 --> 00:53:04,381
This went on for three hours.

828
00:53:04,481 --> 00:53:05,515
[ Audience groans ]

829
00:53:05,582 --> 00:53:07,717
Mm-hmm.

830
00:53:07,817 --> 00:53:10,387
The party ends and then I race
back to my hotel room

831
00:53:10,487 --> 00:53:11,721
and I go into the bathroom.

832
00:53:11,821 --> 00:53:15,058
I'm just like...
[imitating farting]

833
00:53:46,056 --> 00:53:48,558
[ Cheers and applause ]

834
00:53:55,532 --> 00:53:57,133
I just let out like
a three-minute

835
00:53:57,234 --> 00:54:01,871
Louis Armstrong jazz solo

836
00:54:01,938 --> 00:54:05,041
into my toilet bowl,

837
00:54:05,108 --> 00:54:07,811
and that's how I ended
the best night of my life.

838
00:54:12,649 --> 00:54:14,951
This has been the best night
of my life!

839
00:54:15,051 --> 00:54:17,454
Thank you guys so much!

840
00:54:17,554 --> 00:54:20,323
[ Cheers and applause ]

841
00:54:20,423 --> 00:54:28,465
♪♪

842
00:54:28,565 --> 00:54:34,638
♪♪

843
00:54:34,738 --> 00:54:40,777
♪♪

844
00:54:40,844 --> 00:54:46,916
♪♪

845
00:54:46,983 --> 00:54:52,989
♪♪

846
00:54:53,089 --> 00:54:59,262
♪♪