1
00:00:02,000 --> 00:00:07,000
Downloaded from
YTS.MX

2
00:00:06,000 --> 00:00:10,880
A NETFLIX ORIGINAL COMEDY SPECIAL

3
00:00:08,000 --> 00:00:13,000
Official YIFY movies site:
YTS.MX

4
00:00:10,960 --> 00:00:12,840
[animals chittering]

5
00:00:12,920 --> 00:00:14,480
[expectant music playing]

6
00:00:24,840 --> 00:00:27,840
[instrumental hip-hop music playing]

7
00:00:28,840 --> 00:00:31,720
-[music continues]
-[animals chittering]

8
00:00:48,600 --> 00:00:51,600
-[audience clapping]
-[hip-hop theme playing]

9
00:00:52,920 --> 00:00:58,920
[host] Ladies and gentlemen,
let's hear it for Khalid Bounouar!

10
00:00:59,960 --> 00:01:02,960
-[hip-hop theme continues]
-[audience cheering]

11
00:01:06,200 --> 00:01:08,040
[chuckling] Whoa!

12
00:01:08,120 --> 00:01:10,520
Hey! DJ Wati, man!

13
00:01:10,600 --> 00:01:12,600
Awesome, awesome!

14
00:01:12,680 --> 00:01:15,360
We're finally allowed to perform again.

15
00:01:15,440 --> 00:01:18,560
I'm so happy to be back out here.
It's so awesome.

16
00:01:18,640 --> 00:01:20,440
It's so crazy, dude!

17
00:01:20,520 --> 00:01:22,800
This coronavirus is doing us in.

18
00:01:22,880 --> 00:01:26,160
It was so crazy at the peak of corona.

19
00:01:26,240 --> 00:01:28,760
You're stuck
with your family the whole time.

20
00:01:28,840 --> 00:01:32,320
I had it real bad.
There were 48 of us in one room.

21
00:01:33,320 --> 00:01:36,400
All siblings. It was really hard.

22
00:01:36,480 --> 00:01:40,200
Then all my friends called at once.
They called every day.

23
00:01:40,280 --> 00:01:42,240
Everyone was bored with nothing to do.

24
00:01:42,320 --> 00:01:44,240
They all started to call me every day.

25
00:01:44,320 --> 00:01:47,960
But not normal calls.
No, they were video calls.

26
00:01:48,480 --> 00:01:52,440
All of sudden,
we had WhatsApp group video calls.

27
00:01:52,520 --> 00:01:55,160
One person
calls everyone for a video call.

28
00:01:55,240 --> 00:01:58,760
And don't think
they called to ask how you're doing. No!

29
00:01:58,840 --> 00:02:02,880
The first thing
my fellow desert people asked me was,

30
00:02:02,960 --> 00:02:04,760
"Brother, you need masks?"

31
00:02:04,840 --> 00:02:06,680
[audience laughing]

32
00:02:07,600 --> 00:02:09,720
They wanted to palm masks off on me.

33
00:02:09,800 --> 00:02:11,800
Even the hospitals
and pharmacies were out.

34
00:02:11,880 --> 00:02:14,200
But my desert friends had masks.

35
00:02:14,280 --> 00:02:16,800
They all had masks and good prices.

36
00:02:16,880 --> 00:02:20,280
They were real experts
and would negotiate with you.

37
00:02:20,360 --> 00:02:21,440
Let's be real.

38
00:02:21,520 --> 00:02:24,800
Everyone here tonight
is a mask expert now.

39
00:02:24,880 --> 00:02:26,400
We know everything about them.

40
00:02:26,480 --> 00:02:28,680
Which ones there are, their names.

41
00:02:28,760 --> 00:02:30,840
We didn't know anything a year ago.

42
00:02:30,920 --> 00:02:34,160
Now we know.
There are FFP2s with or without filter.

43
00:02:34,240 --> 00:02:37,080
There are KN95s.
There are surgical masks.

44
00:02:37,160 --> 00:02:39,800
There are reusable masks,
non-reusable masks.

45
00:02:39,880 --> 00:02:42,640
Cotton masks, polyester masks,
synthetic masks.

46
00:02:42,720 --> 00:02:46,440
Masks you can only wash at 70 degrees.
I swear, brother. Only at 70!

47
00:02:46,520 --> 00:02:48,440
-[audience laughing]
-No more, no less.

48
00:02:48,520 --> 00:02:51,320
If they shrink in the dryer,
that's your fault.

49
00:02:51,400 --> 00:02:53,160
Use them to keep your balls warm.

50
00:02:53,680 --> 00:02:55,280
[audience clapping]

51
00:02:55,920 --> 00:02:58,680
We know everything about masks.

52
00:02:58,760 --> 00:03:01,080
We're mask pros now.

53
00:03:01,160 --> 00:03:03,040
While we're on the topic,

54
00:03:03,120 --> 00:03:07,080
if any of you need masks,
I'll be out front after the show.

55
00:03:07,720 --> 00:03:11,040
I have good masks at half price.
Just for you.

56
00:03:11,560 --> 00:03:14,320
I'm happy to get to do a set in Cologne.

57
00:03:14,400 --> 00:03:15,240
It's nice.

58
00:03:15,320 --> 00:03:19,280
Let's be real. I like Cologne,
but the train station is a disaster.

59
00:03:19,360 --> 00:03:20,680
I was there today

60
00:03:21,280 --> 00:03:23,960
and some guy greeted me from far away.

61
00:03:24,040 --> 00:03:26,440
He didn't greet me by name.

62
00:03:26,520 --> 00:03:29,320
He just greeted me with his eyebrows.
You know what I mean?

63
00:03:29,400 --> 00:03:30,240
Like this…

64
00:03:32,360 --> 00:03:34,680
That was it.
I'm polite, so I greeted him back.

65
00:03:34,760 --> 00:03:36,960
-I was like…
-[audience chuckling]

66
00:03:37,040 --> 00:03:40,040
So we had a conversation
with our eyebrows. He said…

67
00:03:40,120 --> 00:03:41,000
And I said…

68
00:03:46,000 --> 00:03:47,520
It was a real conversation.

69
00:03:47,600 --> 00:03:50,680
The thing is
I can tell by someone's expression

70
00:03:50,760 --> 00:03:53,240
if they know me from TV

71
00:03:53,320 --> 00:03:56,280
or if they know me personally.

72
00:03:56,360 --> 00:03:57,560
His expression said,

73
00:03:57,640 --> 00:03:59,400
"I know you personally."

74
00:03:59,480 --> 00:04:01,960
But I don't know who it was.
I didn't know.

75
00:04:02,040 --> 00:04:05,640
I thought, "Where do I know him from?"
I'd be embarrassed to ask.

76
00:04:05,720 --> 00:04:07,600
Imagine I ask how he knows me,

77
00:04:07,680 --> 00:04:10,640
and he sat next to me
for six years at school.

78
00:04:10,720 --> 00:04:11,640
So embarrassing.

79
00:04:11,720 --> 00:04:12,880
So I didn't ask.

80
00:04:12,960 --> 00:04:16,280
I thought about it,
then he took a step toward me.

81
00:04:16,360 --> 00:04:18,800
Our eyebrows still up here conversing.

82
00:04:19,760 --> 00:04:22,120
I too take a step toward him and think,

83
00:04:22,200 --> 00:04:25,600
"Fuck! How do I know him?
Maybe he's one of my cousins."

84
00:04:25,680 --> 00:04:27,400
I have a huge family.

85
00:04:27,480 --> 00:04:29,800
He gets closer, and closer, and I think,

86
00:04:29,880 --> 00:04:31,000
"How do I know him?"

87
00:04:31,080 --> 00:04:34,320
Then he reaches out his hand,
and I do the same.

88
00:04:34,400 --> 00:04:36,680
Our eyebrows still up here.

89
00:04:36,760 --> 00:04:39,040
We smile at each other, and I think,

90
00:04:39,120 --> 00:04:42,160
"How do I know him?"
He could be one of my siblings.

91
00:04:42,680 --> 00:04:46,000
I have so many siblings
that I sometimes google their names.

92
00:04:47,160 --> 00:04:50,160
We're shaking hands and I think,
"Who is this?"

93
00:04:50,240 --> 00:04:52,240
I eventually pull my hand back

94
00:04:52,320 --> 00:04:55,680
and take a look to find €20.

95
00:04:55,760 --> 00:05:00,120
I was like, "Huh?"
He was like, "I thought you were selling."

96
00:05:00,200 --> 00:05:02,400
[audience laughing and clapping]

97
00:05:06,480 --> 00:05:10,240
The thing is,
I then did sell him some,

98
00:05:10,320 --> 00:05:12,160
but I still don't know who he was.

99
00:05:13,000 --> 00:05:14,640
While we're on the topic,

100
00:05:14,720 --> 00:05:18,440
if any of you need weed,
I'll be out front after the show.

101
00:05:19,280 --> 00:05:21,880
I have masks and weed at half price.

102
00:05:21,960 --> 00:05:23,560
I have FFP2s with a filter.

103
00:05:23,640 --> 00:05:26,520
It has a box you can put the weed in,
then inhale.

104
00:05:27,240 --> 00:05:29,040
Just say no to viruses.

105
00:05:29,120 --> 00:05:31,120
[audience clapping]

106
00:05:32,880 --> 00:05:34,040
Oh, nice.

107
00:05:34,880 --> 00:05:36,040
As for my descent,

108
00:05:36,120 --> 00:05:39,600
I'm half Moroccan, half Algerian,
which means I hate myself.

109
00:05:40,400 --> 00:05:41,240
Yeah.

110
00:05:42,480 --> 00:05:45,240
For the people
who know something about politics.

111
00:05:45,880 --> 00:05:47,320
[audience laughing]

112
00:05:48,040 --> 00:05:51,040
To be honest,
I don't want to be a Turk anymore.

113
00:05:53,480 --> 00:05:56,640
That was the most confusing transition
you've ever seen.

114
00:05:56,720 --> 00:05:58,360
Everyone was like, "Huh?"

115
00:05:58,440 --> 00:06:01,000
He was just Moroccan/Algerian,
now a Turk?

116
00:06:01,080 --> 00:06:04,400
I know I'm not a Turk,
but I don't want to be one anymore.

117
00:06:06,160 --> 00:06:09,040
The thing is
lots of people think I'm Turkish.

118
00:06:09,120 --> 00:06:10,320
Don't get me wrong.

119
00:06:10,400 --> 00:06:15,080
I don't take it the wrong way
if a German German thinks I'm Turkish.

120
00:06:15,160 --> 00:06:18,000
I don't see the difference
between Germans and the Dutch.

121
00:06:18,640 --> 00:06:23,240
The ones who annoy me
are the Turks who think I'm a Turk.

122
00:06:23,320 --> 00:06:24,920
[audience laughing]

123
00:06:25,720 --> 00:06:27,840
Because ever since I was little,

124
00:06:28,440 --> 00:06:31,240
Turks come up to me and ask,

125
00:06:31,320 --> 00:06:32,400
"Sen Türk müsün?"

126
00:06:34,000 --> 00:06:36,240
Which means, "Are you Turkish?"

127
00:06:36,320 --> 00:06:40,040
Ever since the second grade they ask me,
in Germany,

128
00:06:40,120 --> 00:06:41,840
in Turkish…

129
00:06:42,600 --> 00:06:43,640
if I'm Turkish.

130
00:06:43,720 --> 00:06:44,960
I never got it.

131
00:06:45,040 --> 00:06:47,560
I eventually asked
my Turkish friends what it meant.

132
00:06:47,640 --> 00:06:51,280
They'd say, "Yeah, Khalid.
They're asking if you're Turkish."

133
00:06:51,360 --> 00:06:54,880
"What should I say?"
"Say, 'Yok, ben Marok.'"

134
00:06:54,960 --> 00:06:56,600
Which means in German,

135
00:06:56,680 --> 00:06:58,520
"No, I'm Moroccan."

136
00:06:59,400 --> 00:07:03,400
So each time a Turk
asked if I'm Turkish, I said,

137
00:07:03,480 --> 00:07:04,640
"Yok, ben Marok."

138
00:07:04,720 --> 00:07:07,400
One time I went through Cologne
and everyone asked,

139
00:07:07,480 --> 00:07:13,200
[repeating] "Sen Türk müsün?"
"Yok, ben Marok."

140
00:07:13,280 --> 00:07:15,760
I accidentally walked
through a Turkish protest.

141
00:07:15,840 --> 00:07:18,000
[audience laughing]

142
00:07:18,080 --> 00:07:22,360
I had a Moroccan flag on.
They were confused, a bit confused.

143
00:07:24,680 --> 00:07:27,920
But I have to admit
I speak a little Turkish

144
00:07:28,000 --> 00:07:30,800
because I grew up with so many Turks.

145
00:07:30,880 --> 00:07:33,120
As we all did in Germany.

146
00:07:33,200 --> 00:07:35,320
[audience laughing]

147
00:07:35,400 --> 00:07:36,520
Which means

148
00:07:37,240 --> 00:07:40,360
when I enter a store where Turks work,

149
00:07:40,440 --> 00:07:41,800
I talk to them in Turkish.

150
00:07:42,360 --> 00:07:45,200
I greet them in Turkish.
I pull out my best Turkish.

151
00:07:45,280 --> 00:07:47,120
I enter and say to the owner,

152
00:07:47,920 --> 00:07:50,640
-"Sa­lamu alai­kum."
-[audience chuckling]

153
00:07:50,720 --> 00:07:51,840
You have to do this.

154
00:07:51,920 --> 00:07:55,160
It's part of the Turkish language.
It's the Turkish flow.

155
00:07:55,240 --> 00:07:57,960
I enter and say, "Sa­lamu alai­kum."

156
00:07:59,120 --> 00:08:00,600
Some of you are thinking,

157
00:08:00,680 --> 00:08:03,600
"That's the Arabic peace greeting.
'Peace be with you.'"

158
00:08:03,680 --> 00:08:06,920
Right, but what you just saw
was the Turkish version.

159
00:08:07,000 --> 00:08:09,400
Because the Arab says…
[in deep voice] "Sa­lamu alai­kum."

160
00:08:09,480 --> 00:08:11,600
The Turk says…
[in reedy voice] "Sa­lamu alai­kum."

161
00:08:11,680 --> 00:08:13,600
With a few extra U's.

162
00:08:13,680 --> 00:08:16,000
The Arab is serious…
[in deep voice] "Sa­lamu alai­kum."

163
00:08:16,080 --> 00:08:18,240
The Turk grins…
[in reedy voice] "Sa­lamu alai­kum."

164
00:08:19,080 --> 00:08:21,880
I greet him and he greets me back.

165
00:08:21,960 --> 00:08:23,640
[in reedy voice] "Alaikum salam."

166
00:08:23,720 --> 00:08:26,320
[audience laughing and clapping]

167
00:08:27,280 --> 00:08:30,400
[laughs] I ask him in Turkish…

168
00:08:30,480 --> 00:08:33,040
I ask him, "How are you doing?" I say…

169
00:08:33,720 --> 00:08:34,720
"Nasılsın?"

170
00:08:36,040 --> 00:08:37,800
He responds in Turkish,

171
00:08:37,880 --> 00:08:39,440
"İyiyim, sen nasılsın?"

172
00:08:40,000 --> 00:08:42,680
Turkish for, "Good. How about you?"

173
00:08:43,200 --> 00:08:44,320
So I answer,

174
00:08:44,400 --> 00:08:46,120
"İyiyim, Allah’a şükür."

175
00:08:47,200 --> 00:08:49,840
Turkish for, "Good. Thanks be to God."

176
00:08:49,920 --> 00:08:51,240
Then he asks,

177
00:08:51,800 --> 00:08:52,800
"Napıyon?"

178
00:08:53,840 --> 00:08:56,440
Turkish for, "What are you doing?"

179
00:08:57,320 --> 00:08:58,760
And that's it.

180
00:08:59,480 --> 00:09:01,320
That's all the Turkish I know.

181
00:09:01,400 --> 00:09:04,600
The only thing I remember is,
"Yok ben Marok."

182
00:09:06,000 --> 00:09:07,720
[audience laughing]

183
00:09:14,680 --> 00:09:16,680
He thought I was messing with him.

184
00:09:17,640 --> 00:09:19,320
Another thing I know in Turkish is,

185
00:09:20,400 --> 00:09:22,520
"Where is your girlfriend?"

186
00:09:23,720 --> 00:09:25,240
Really funny, right?

187
00:09:25,320 --> 00:09:27,120
"Senin kız arkadaşın nerde?"

188
00:09:28,160 --> 00:09:30,600
"Where's your girlfriend?" Hilarious.

189
00:09:30,680 --> 00:09:33,240
I asked a Turk that on the street.

190
00:09:33,320 --> 00:09:35,880
I didn't know him.
He didn't think it was funny.

191
00:09:37,880 --> 00:09:41,640
He walked by me and I said,
"Hey, Mehmet, Murat, Ali, Hakan?"

192
00:09:41,720 --> 00:09:44,120
"Yeah?"
"There, Hakan! I knew it."

193
00:09:45,960 --> 00:09:47,960
Hakan, brother. [imitates kissing]

194
00:09:49,840 --> 00:09:51,760
"Abi senin kız arkadaşın nerde?"

195
00:09:51,840 --> 00:09:53,560
He was confused. He was like…

196
00:09:54,680 --> 00:09:56,800
"Huh? Why are you asking about her?"

197
00:09:56,880 --> 00:09:58,800
"Do you know my girlfriend?"

198
00:10:01,800 --> 00:10:04,920
The thing is I'm waiting for him to ask

199
00:10:05,000 --> 00:10:08,240
where my girlfriend is
because I have an awesome answer.

200
00:10:08,320 --> 00:10:09,200
Incredibly funny.

201
00:10:09,280 --> 00:10:12,600
Anyone know Turkish in the first row?
You? You know Turkish?

202
00:10:12,680 --> 00:10:15,520
I'll ask you where your girlfriend is,

203
00:10:15,600 --> 00:10:18,200
then you ask me where mine is.

204
00:10:18,280 --> 00:10:20,760
My answer is the best.
You'll die laughing.

205
00:10:20,840 --> 00:10:23,080
If not, that's on you. You have no humor.

206
00:10:23,680 --> 00:10:27,080
My answer is great. Are you ready?
Okay? What's your name?

207
00:10:27,800 --> 00:10:28,640
Akif?

208
00:10:28,720 --> 00:10:30,520
Akif? Okay. Wonderful name.

209
00:10:30,600 --> 00:10:32,120
-Do you have a girlfriend?
-No.

210
00:10:32,200 --> 00:10:34,680
No? Could be because of your name.

211
00:10:34,760 --> 00:10:37,480
-[audience laughing]
-No, we'll continue-- Okay.

212
00:10:38,200 --> 00:10:39,360
Okay, are you ready?

213
00:10:40,000 --> 00:10:42,600
Okay. You don't have a girlfriend.
Got it. Akif.

214
00:10:42,680 --> 00:10:43,880
Akif, brother!

215
00:10:45,680 --> 00:10:47,960
Senin kız arkadaşın nerde?

216
00:10:48,040 --> 00:10:49,640
[Akif speaking indistinctly]

217
00:10:49,720 --> 00:10:52,160
"Benim kız arkadaşım evde ekmek yapilir."

218
00:10:53,040 --> 00:10:56,720
This means,
"My girlfriend is at home making bread."

219
00:10:57,840 --> 00:11:01,840
Until a Turkish girl came to me and said,
"That's discriminatory."

220
00:11:01,920 --> 00:11:06,560
Now I only say, "She's making bread."
She gets to decide where.

221
00:11:08,680 --> 00:11:10,680
[audience clapping]

222
00:11:11,840 --> 00:11:14,400
I'm not a Turk
who controls his girlfriend!

223
00:11:15,240 --> 00:11:17,120
I'm not even Turkish!

224
00:11:17,200 --> 00:11:19,160
[audience laughing]

225
00:11:19,240 --> 00:11:21,560
Young man, I love your laugh.

226
00:11:21,640 --> 00:11:23,080
-What's your name?
-Maurice.

227
00:11:23,160 --> 00:11:25,080
-"Maurice." Are you German?
-Yeah.

228
00:11:25,160 --> 00:11:27,040
-Is that your girlfriend?
-Yeah.

229
00:11:27,120 --> 00:11:28,600
She has a German passport?

230
00:11:29,760 --> 00:11:31,440
-[Maurice] Yes.
-Yes!

231
00:11:31,520 --> 00:11:32,600
I'm proud of you.

232
00:11:32,680 --> 00:11:35,960
That's all that counts.
I'm going to ask you where she is.

233
00:11:36,040 --> 00:11:37,240
Okay?

234
00:11:37,320 --> 00:11:39,040
And you answer in Turkish.

235
00:11:39,800 --> 00:11:42,720
This is how you say,
"My girlfriend is here."

236
00:11:43,320 --> 00:11:44,760
"Benim kız arkadaş."

237
00:11:45,480 --> 00:11:48,640
Or more simply,
“Kız arkadaşım burada."

238
00:11:49,280 --> 00:11:51,520
Okay? Are you ready?

239
00:11:51,600 --> 00:11:54,320
"Kız," K-I-Z. "Arkadaşım."

240
00:11:54,400 --> 00:11:56,080
"Kız," K-I-Z.

241
00:11:56,160 --> 00:11:57,960
Girl.

242
00:11:58,040 --> 00:11:59,120
"Arkadaşım."

243
00:11:59,200 --> 00:12:02,040
Friend, girlfriend.

244
00:12:02,120 --> 00:12:03,920
Now you get it, right?

245
00:12:04,000 --> 00:12:05,800
"Kız arkadaşım burada."

246
00:12:05,880 --> 00:12:08,160
Like Burda publishing but roll the R.

247
00:12:08,240 --> 00:12:09,160
Burda.

248
00:12:09,240 --> 00:12:11,320
Are you ready? Maurice, right?

249
00:12:11,400 --> 00:12:13,280
-[Maurice] Yes.
-Everyone be quiet.

250
00:12:13,360 --> 00:12:15,600
He needs lots of energy.
I believe in you.

251
00:12:15,680 --> 00:12:17,800
[imitates kissing] Maurice, brother!

252
00:12:17,880 --> 00:12:19,600
Senin kız arkadaşın nerde?

253
00:12:19,680 --> 00:12:21,240
[Maurice] Kız arkadaşım burada.

254
00:12:21,320 --> 00:12:22,880
Huge applause for Maurice.

255
00:12:22,960 --> 00:12:24,600
-[audience cheering]
-Very good.

256
00:12:24,680 --> 00:12:26,160
Very good!

257
00:12:26,880 --> 00:12:28,640
I'm proud of you.

258
00:12:28,720 --> 00:12:29,920
That was great.

259
00:12:30,000 --> 00:12:32,320
Did you see that?

260
00:12:33,120 --> 00:12:36,400
My parents came to Germany
in the '60s and '70s as guest workers.

261
00:12:36,480 --> 00:12:39,760
Today I'm on a stage in Cologne
teaching Turkish to a German.

262
00:12:39,840 --> 00:12:41,920
That's what I call integration.

263
00:12:42,000 --> 00:12:44,000
[audience cheering]

264
00:12:45,160 --> 00:12:47,480
And I'm not even Turkish!

265
00:12:48,160 --> 00:12:50,280
I could have taught it to you in Moroccan.

266
00:12:50,360 --> 00:12:52,160
In Moroccan, we say,

267
00:12:52,240 --> 00:12:55,280
[exaggerated] "Ferha Sahbtik."

268
00:12:55,360 --> 00:12:57,520
Four burnouts in two words.

269
00:12:59,880 --> 00:13:01,080
What I'm saying is

270
00:13:01,160 --> 00:13:03,920
our parents went
through a lot and started something.

271
00:13:04,000 --> 00:13:07,080
Our job is to carry it on.
I am Khalid Bounouar.

272
00:13:07,160 --> 00:13:08,560
RebellComedy for life.

273
00:13:08,640 --> 00:13:10,320
[audience cheering]

274
00:13:10,400 --> 00:13:12,400
[hip-hop theme playing]

275
00:13:15,600 --> 00:13:19,960
[host] Ladies and gentlemen,
put your hands together for Salim Samatou!

276
00:13:20,040 --> 00:13:22,920
-[hip-hop theme continues]
-[audience cheering]

277
00:13:26,080 --> 00:13:27,200
Thank you!

278
00:13:29,840 --> 00:13:31,240
Thank you so much!

279
00:13:31,320 --> 00:13:33,280
Thank you. Thank you so much.

280
00:13:33,360 --> 00:13:35,920
Thank you so much, guys.
Thank you so much.

281
00:13:36,000 --> 00:13:38,440
I'm almost brought to tears to be here.

282
00:13:38,520 --> 00:13:42,840
Thank you. I can hardly believe it,
that I'm back in civilization.

283
00:13:42,920 --> 00:13:47,800
Until two weeks ago,
I was stranded in Bangladesh.

284
00:13:47,880 --> 00:13:49,880
I couldn't get out. It was a disaster.

285
00:13:49,960 --> 00:13:53,320
All of my Instagram followers
know this is a big, fat lie.

286
00:13:53,400 --> 00:13:54,680
-But…
-[audience laughing]

287
00:13:54,760 --> 00:13:57,760
[laughing] No, really.
I was visiting family over there.

288
00:13:57,840 --> 00:14:00,400
I'm from Bangladesh
according to Wikipedia.

289
00:14:00,480 --> 00:14:03,000
I really wanted to go and…

290
00:14:03,080 --> 00:14:04,200
Who's been there?

291
00:14:04,280 --> 00:14:07,400
Don't go. Not ever.
Go to the Primark sales department.

292
00:14:07,480 --> 00:14:09,560
-No difference. I swear.
-[audience chuckling]

293
00:14:09,640 --> 00:14:12,080
It's a one-for-one Bangladesh simulator.

294
00:14:12,160 --> 00:14:14,560
Only one airline flies to Bangladesh.

295
00:14:14,640 --> 00:14:16,600
The airline is seriously called…

296
00:14:16,680 --> 00:14:18,800
[in funny accent] "Gardidi Air."
That's it.

297
00:14:18,880 --> 00:14:22,080
The world's most ghetto airlines.

298
00:14:22,160 --> 00:14:25,000
Even bus drivers laugh at them.
What a disaster.

299
00:14:25,080 --> 00:14:26,640
"How ghetto?", you ask?

300
00:14:26,720 --> 00:14:30,080
The stewardesses ask me for food.
What the hell is that?

301
00:14:30,160 --> 00:14:32,680
[audience laughing and clapping]

302
00:14:35,040 --> 00:14:38,880
"When do we get our meal?"
"When will you give us food?" Disaster.

303
00:14:38,960 --> 00:14:42,600
The official pilot announcement was this…

304
00:14:42,680 --> 00:14:46,760
[clicks tongue] "Hello!"
Over. That was it. Disaster.

305
00:14:46,840 --> 00:14:49,120
-I was like, "Bro, you are…"
-[audience clapping]

306
00:14:49,200 --> 00:14:50,200
"Bro, you are…"

307
00:14:51,800 --> 00:14:54,320
"You're a pilot. You have to say more."
He said…

308
00:14:54,400 --> 00:14:56,560
[in English] "You want to buy T-shirt?
Two for one."

309
00:14:56,640 --> 00:14:57,840
[in German] That was it.

310
00:14:57,920 --> 00:14:59,600
Then he came out selling roses.

311
00:14:59,680 --> 00:15:02,920
[in English] "Here, brother. Take this.
Take the roses, brother."

312
00:15:03,000 --> 00:15:04,760
[in German] With a picture
of ghetto children.

313
00:15:04,840 --> 00:15:06,920
[in English] "Here, brother, please.
Take the roses."

314
00:15:07,000 --> 00:15:09,800
I said, "Okay, bro. I'll take three.
Let's do this."

315
00:15:09,880 --> 00:15:11,200
[in German] I'm scared of flying.

316
00:15:11,280 --> 00:15:14,600
I sat like this by the window
keeping an eye on the turbines.

317
00:15:14,680 --> 00:15:17,120
-[audience laughing]
-There weren't any turbines.

318
00:15:17,200 --> 00:15:20,080
Just three guys going like this.
That's all.

319
00:15:20,160 --> 00:15:22,400
[audience laughing and clapping]

320
00:15:22,480 --> 00:15:24,640
[in English] ♪ We believe we can fly ♪

321
00:15:24,720 --> 00:15:27,200
♪ I believe I can touch the sky ♪

322
00:15:27,280 --> 00:15:30,600
"Oh, no! I can touch the sky! I did it!"
[in German] Really, I had…

323
00:15:30,680 --> 00:15:34,520
But why did I even go to Bangladesh?

324
00:15:34,600 --> 00:15:36,400
[laughs] Good question.

325
00:15:36,480 --> 00:15:39,280
I wanted to go backpacking.
Who's been backpacking?

326
00:15:39,360 --> 00:15:41,920
Not a soul. Crazy, respect!

327
00:15:42,000 --> 00:15:45,000
That's exactly right
because we are so culturally diverse,

328
00:15:45,080 --> 00:15:47,120
and backpacking is more of a thing

329
00:15:47,200 --> 00:15:51,240
that white, dirty hippies do.

330
00:15:51,320 --> 00:15:54,880
-Exactly. You said it, not me. Disaster.
-[audience laughing]

331
00:15:54,960 --> 00:15:58,240
With armpit hair all over,
no deodorant, just limes…

332
00:15:58,320 --> 00:16:00,560
"Because of my carbon footprint."

333
00:16:00,640 --> 00:16:01,840
They go backpacking.

334
00:16:01,920 --> 00:16:04,000
You know who loves it?

335
00:16:04,080 --> 00:16:06,240
One of my best friends. Really.

336
00:16:06,320 --> 00:16:09,080
My wonderful Swiss colleague, Alain Frei.

337
00:16:09,160 --> 00:16:10,920
Do you know him? You all do.

338
00:16:11,000 --> 00:16:13,320
-[audience cheering]
-Great. Wonderful.

339
00:16:14,080 --> 00:16:16,120
Great. You really clapped hard.

340
00:16:16,200 --> 00:16:18,320
-What's your name?
-[man mutters]

341
00:16:18,400 --> 00:16:19,400
What?

342
00:16:19,480 --> 00:16:22,520
Kellmann? The best man.
Kellmann. So awesome.

343
00:16:22,600 --> 00:16:24,360
The best man, Kellmann. Do this.

344
00:16:24,440 --> 00:16:25,480
You know about him.

345
00:16:25,560 --> 00:16:27,720
You clapped very euphorically. Awesome.

346
00:16:27,800 --> 00:16:30,160
Kellmann knows about him.
You know Alain, right?

347
00:16:30,240 --> 00:16:35,040
The only thing you have to know is
he is the whitest person in the world.

348
00:16:35,120 --> 00:16:37,200
Ask Kellmann. 100%.

349
00:16:37,280 --> 00:16:40,800
He only has two levels of tanning.
White and skin cancer.

350
00:16:40,880 --> 00:16:43,480
I swear. He uses
opaque white paint as tanning lotion.

351
00:16:43,560 --> 00:16:45,840
100%. I swear.

352
00:16:45,920 --> 00:16:48,400
Albinos protect him from the sun.
They say…

353
00:16:48,480 --> 00:16:49,840
[in funny voice] "Take me!"

354
00:16:49,920 --> 00:16:51,880
Stop it, Kellmann. Don't be an asshole.

355
00:16:51,960 --> 00:16:54,680
-[audience laughing]
-Kellmann, dude. What are doing?

356
00:16:55,560 --> 00:16:56,640
Bro.

357
00:16:58,000 --> 00:16:59,400
Stop making me do it.

358
00:16:59,480 --> 00:17:02,400
Total asshole behavior
to make fun of his skin color

359
00:17:02,480 --> 00:17:04,520
just because he's white.

360
00:17:04,600 --> 00:17:06,720
#WhiteLivesMatter.

361
00:17:06,800 --> 00:17:08,080
Really, people. Disaster.

362
00:17:08,160 --> 00:17:12,240
When it snows for the first time,
he immediately disappears.

363
00:17:12,320 --> 00:17:13,640
Kellmann's words. Really.

364
00:17:14,240 --> 00:17:17,400
You turn the lights out,
and he's still there. Really.

365
00:17:17,480 --> 00:17:21,160
He's a tutor for fireflies. Really.

366
00:17:21,920 --> 00:17:24,880
The fireflies are like,
"How do you do that? You're a farmer."

367
00:17:24,960 --> 00:17:27,240
Enough! Kellmann, stop making me do it.

368
00:17:27,320 --> 00:17:28,560
Such an asshole.

369
00:17:28,640 --> 00:17:29,920
Stop it. That's enough.

370
00:17:30,000 --> 00:17:32,680
We were just at the zoo.
Polar bears danced with him.

371
00:17:32,760 --> 00:17:36,600
They were like,
"You're one of us, brother!"

372
00:17:36,680 --> 00:17:39,280
-Stop it, man! Bro!
-[audience clapping]

373
00:17:39,360 --> 00:17:40,440
Stop it.

374
00:17:41,560 --> 00:17:43,320
Such an asshole, people.

375
00:17:44,400 --> 00:17:47,680
We can't keep this up, dude.
Such an asshole.

376
00:17:47,760 --> 00:17:49,920
He scares ghosts. Okay, that's it!

377
00:17:50,000 --> 00:17:51,720
What I'm trying to say is he's Swiss.

378
00:17:51,800 --> 00:17:53,160
So he came to me and said…

379
00:17:53,240 --> 00:17:57,720
[in funny accent]
"Salim, you have to come backpacking."

380
00:17:58,480 --> 00:18:03,240
For those wondering what that was,
it was perfect Swiss German. I swear.

381
00:18:03,760 --> 00:18:07,320
Swiss German is just normal German,

382
00:18:07,400 --> 00:18:10,120
while you waterboard
Donald Duck at the same time.

383
00:18:10,200 --> 00:18:12,640
That's Swiss German. I swear.

384
00:18:12,720 --> 00:18:15,280
-[laughing] 100%.
-[audience clapping]

385
00:18:15,360 --> 00:18:16,520
100%.

386
00:18:17,040 --> 00:18:18,240
Disaster. Really.

387
00:18:18,800 --> 00:18:19,640
Really.

388
00:18:20,280 --> 00:18:21,840
Donald here, a towel, and then…

389
00:18:21,920 --> 00:18:25,400
[imitating Donald Duck] I… am… not… here.

390
00:18:25,520 --> 00:18:26,720
Disaster.

391
00:18:26,800 --> 00:18:28,080
If you don't believe me,

392
00:18:28,160 --> 00:18:31,040
they call silverware "silverware…"
[imitating Donald Duck]

393
00:18:31,120 --> 00:18:33,760
Disaster. I swear on my life.

394
00:18:33,840 --> 00:18:34,680
Really.

395
00:18:34,760 --> 00:18:37,400
You know
how awful it is touring with Alain?

396
00:18:37,480 --> 00:18:39,600
Sometimes he's next to me at the hotel.

397
00:18:39,680 --> 00:18:41,360
I'm just watching TV.

398
00:18:41,440 --> 00:18:44,520
And there's an unlisted channel.
It just flickers gray.

399
00:18:44,600 --> 00:18:47,040
Like this… [imitates static]
And he comes in, "Mom? Dad?"

400
00:18:47,120 --> 00:18:48,400
I say, "No, bro. It's…"

401
00:18:48,480 --> 00:18:50,960
-[audience clapping]
-"It's the TV."

402
00:18:52,120 --> 00:18:53,880
"It's the TV. It's…"

403
00:18:57,480 --> 00:18:58,520
[laughs]

404
00:18:58,600 --> 00:19:01,360
"Bro, it's the TV."
"Mom!" Oh, God damn it.

405
00:19:01,440 --> 00:19:04,840
He got the worst dog
a Swiss person could have.

406
00:19:04,920 --> 00:19:06,920
He got a pug.

407
00:19:07,000 --> 00:19:10,000
When I visit him,
I never know who's talking. Both…

408
00:19:10,840 --> 00:19:13,600
Both sound the same. They're like…
[imitating Donald Duck]

409
00:19:13,680 --> 00:19:16,240
I'm like, "Bro, just let Donald go.
What are doing?"

410
00:19:16,320 --> 00:19:19,680
It was a disaster.
You don't think pugs talk like the Swiss?

411
00:19:19,760 --> 00:19:23,280
I called Swiss Telekom
and held the pug to the phone.

412
00:19:24,840 --> 00:19:27,840
They talked for 38 minutes. I swear.

413
00:19:27,920 --> 00:19:29,080
100%.

414
00:19:29,600 --> 00:19:31,600
[audience applauding]

415
00:19:33,000 --> 00:19:34,080
Really. Disaster.

416
00:19:34,600 --> 00:19:35,440
Really.

417
00:19:35,520 --> 00:19:37,840
Never travel to Switzerland.

418
00:19:37,920 --> 00:19:40,080
Those of you who want to travel there,

419
00:19:40,160 --> 00:19:42,640
my advice is go to Austria.
It's way better.

420
00:19:42,720 --> 00:19:45,960
Go to Austria, just don't go to Vienna.

421
00:19:46,040 --> 00:19:48,040
For "It'll knock your socks off,"

422
00:19:48,120 --> 00:19:51,120
they say,
"Das haut's den Beidl auf'd Seitn."

423
00:19:51,200 --> 00:19:53,320
Which means, you can google it,

424
00:19:53,400 --> 00:19:56,520
-"It'll knock your wiener to the side."
-[audience laughing]

425
00:19:56,600 --> 00:19:59,520
I swear on my life. Even women said it.

426
00:19:59,600 --> 00:20:02,240
[in high-pitched voice]
"It knocks my wiener to the side."

427
00:20:02,320 --> 00:20:04,720
-[audience clapping]
-I swear, people.

428
00:20:05,440 --> 00:20:06,920
I swear.

429
00:20:07,000 --> 00:20:09,120
"It knocks your wiener to the side."

430
00:20:09,200 --> 00:20:11,960
African Austrians say something else.
They say,

431
00:20:12,040 --> 00:20:14,160
"It knocks your wiener around your hips."

432
00:20:14,240 --> 00:20:17,000
I swear. Disaster. 100%.

433
00:20:17,080 --> 00:20:18,720
-[laughs]
-[audience clapping]

434
00:20:22,560 --> 00:20:26,640
The Asians say,
"It knocks my wiener back to the middle."

435
00:20:27,160 --> 00:20:30,400
The middle is fine.
Respect it. Really. Disaster.

436
00:20:30,480 --> 00:20:32,760
You know how tiring it is eating out.

437
00:20:32,840 --> 00:20:35,200
Every time the waiter,
"You didn't like it?"

438
00:20:35,280 --> 00:20:36,200
"No, it was good."

439
00:20:36,280 --> 00:20:38,840
"Your wiener is at 7:30. I see it there."

440
00:20:38,920 --> 00:20:41,400
"It has to be 6:45 or 7:15, otherwise…"

441
00:20:41,480 --> 00:20:43,240
Money-back guarantee. Awesome.

442
00:20:43,320 --> 00:20:44,880
I've noticed

443
00:20:44,960 --> 00:20:48,200
how bad it is to live through
what we're living through.

444
00:20:48,280 --> 00:20:50,400
Because what's happening now,

445
00:20:50,480 --> 00:20:53,720
you're all sitting here like clones,
all this stuff…

446
00:20:53,800 --> 00:20:55,640
[giggling] No, really.

447
00:20:55,720 --> 00:20:59,240
This really is history right here.

448
00:20:59,320 --> 00:21:01,680
What's happening now
is history in the making.

449
00:21:01,760 --> 00:21:06,080
In 2100,
they will cover this in the history books.

450
00:21:06,160 --> 00:21:07,400
Then we will…

451
00:21:07,480 --> 00:21:10,720
one of us will show up
as a contemporary witness.

452
00:21:10,800 --> 00:21:13,920
A 100-year-old Jeremy Pascal who shows up,

453
00:21:14,000 --> 00:21:16,360
[in funny voice]
"Hi, I'm a contemporary witness."

454
00:21:16,440 --> 00:21:17,280
Because…

455
00:21:17,840 --> 00:21:22,040
With a tramp stamp on his belly like,
"I'm a contemporary witness."

456
00:21:22,120 --> 00:21:27,520
The witnesses in 2100
don't have it as good as the ones today.

457
00:21:27,600 --> 00:21:31,000
When we were in school,
there was always a guy from Hitler's time…

458
00:21:31,080 --> 00:21:33,480
Every German was against Hitler.
Of course.

459
00:21:33,560 --> 00:21:35,960
All of them. There's nothing to prove it.

460
00:21:36,040 --> 00:21:39,120
No one took
Instagram selfies chilling with Hitler.

461
00:21:39,680 --> 00:21:41,600
#ChillingWithTheHitman.

462
00:21:41,680 --> 00:21:43,200
It doesn't exist. Really.

463
00:21:43,280 --> 00:21:45,960
#HisHeartWasInTheRightPlace.

464
00:21:46,040 --> 00:21:48,920
That stuff doesn't exist.
[laughing] You know what I mean?

465
00:21:49,000 --> 00:21:50,480
[audience clapping]

466
00:21:52,320 --> 00:21:53,400
It doesn't exist.

467
00:21:54,200 --> 00:21:57,840
They can just freestyle.
They all tell the same story.

468
00:21:57,920 --> 00:22:00,600
"Hitler, total asshole.
I said it to his face."

469
00:22:00,680 --> 00:22:04,600
"I took his little mustache
and shoved it up his ass. Fuck off!"

470
00:22:04,680 --> 00:22:07,720
"Come here, you piece of shit!
What's your problem?"

471
00:22:07,800 --> 00:22:10,840
"What's up, Göhring? You fat fuck!
I hid his Big Mac."

472
00:22:11,360 --> 00:22:14,240
"Gave him a pork cutlet.
I hid Himmler's glasses."

473
00:22:14,320 --> 00:22:17,960
[mockingly] "I'm the master race."
That's was their story.

474
00:22:18,040 --> 00:22:21,200
The worst will be when today's influencers

475
00:22:21,280 --> 00:22:24,280
are influencers in 2100.

476
00:22:24,360 --> 00:22:27,800
But old influencers
who run around at 100 saying,

477
00:22:27,880 --> 00:22:32,200
"Hey, guys. You need a catheter too?
Then swipe up and reserve one."

478
00:22:32,280 --> 00:22:33,960
-"Catheter."
-[audience laughing]

479
00:22:34,040 --> 00:22:35,040
"Swipe up."

480
00:22:37,520 --> 00:22:38,560
"Please, guys."

481
00:22:39,520 --> 00:22:41,560
"You can't get it up either? Swipe up!"

482
00:22:41,640 --> 00:22:47,280
"Use the code 'floppydick' to get 20% off.
Get it now!"

483
00:22:47,360 --> 00:22:49,000
-[audience clapping]
-[laughing]

484
00:22:49,080 --> 00:22:51,440
So, guys, today's lesson is

485
00:22:51,520 --> 00:22:53,200
don't go to Austria,

486
00:22:53,280 --> 00:22:55,840
nor to Zürich, just go to Japan.

487
00:22:55,920 --> 00:22:58,280
Japan is the best country. Who's been?

488
00:22:58,360 --> 00:23:00,600
Two people, respect.

489
00:23:00,680 --> 00:23:02,560
-Where in Japan?
-[man mutters]

490
00:23:02,640 --> 00:23:06,840
Tokyo. That's also
what I would've said if I had never been.

491
00:23:06,920 --> 00:23:09,840
He just freestyled it. The best. Awesome.

492
00:23:10,840 --> 00:23:12,400
He can confirm. Really.

493
00:23:12,480 --> 00:23:14,720
They've figured it out. Really.

494
00:23:14,800 --> 00:23:16,400
Whereas we, during corona…

495
00:23:16,480 --> 00:23:19,840
Have you seen
the people hoarding toilet paper?

496
00:23:19,920 --> 00:23:23,640
"What? A deadly virus?
I have to take care of my asshole!"

497
00:23:23,720 --> 00:23:27,440
"What about my asshole?
How will I clean my asshole?"

498
00:23:27,520 --> 00:23:28,800
The Muslims were like,

499
00:23:28,880 --> 00:23:31,880
"Bro, just take a watering can
and shut your damn mouth."

500
00:23:31,960 --> 00:23:35,000
-[tapping mic]
-[audience clapping]

501
00:23:42,280 --> 00:23:43,360
There you go.

502
00:23:43,440 --> 00:23:45,760
Not Japan. They've reached the end level.

503
00:23:45,840 --> 00:23:47,880
No toilet paper, no watering cans.

504
00:23:47,960 --> 00:23:52,080
They just have toilets
that shoot out an automatized rain dance.

505
00:23:52,160 --> 00:23:55,480
You're sitting there, you hit a button,
then get a Japanese rain dance.

506
00:23:55,560 --> 00:23:57,560
[imitating rain dance]

507
00:23:58,640 --> 00:24:02,200
I swear. You get a water-gun in your ass.
That's it.

508
00:24:03,080 --> 00:24:05,160
I swear.

509
00:24:05,240 --> 00:24:06,200
No, really.

510
00:24:06,280 --> 00:24:07,680
[audience clapping]

511
00:24:07,760 --> 00:24:09,280
You look in the toilet

512
00:24:09,360 --> 00:24:12,360
and see Squirtle
and Blastoise in there practicing.

513
00:24:13,080 --> 00:24:15,960
"Three more asses
and we're ready for the tour."

514
00:24:17,200 --> 00:24:18,560
I told a Japanese guy,

515
00:24:18,640 --> 00:24:21,280
"Bro, that's all well and good with…"
[imitating rain dance]

516
00:24:21,360 --> 00:24:24,280
"It really knocks my wiener
around my hips. It's awesome."

517
00:24:24,920 --> 00:24:26,320
"But where's the toilet paper?"

518
00:24:26,400 --> 00:24:27,480
He flipped out,

519
00:24:27,560 --> 00:24:30,280
"You fucking Westerners,

520
00:24:30,360 --> 00:24:34,520
you kill millions of trees
past your ass down the toilet!"

521
00:24:35,040 --> 00:24:36,880
"You're a disgrace to humanity."

522
00:24:36,960 --> 00:24:39,280
I was like, "Calm down, dolphin killer."

523
00:24:39,360 --> 00:24:41,680
"Why are you even talking, dude?"

524
00:24:41,760 --> 00:24:45,240
"Bro, you just ate a whale sandwich.
Calm down, dude."

525
00:24:45,320 --> 00:24:48,400
"Why don't you shush yourself, dude?"

526
00:24:49,560 --> 00:24:51,880
The Japanese can't
compare themselves to us.

527
00:24:51,960 --> 00:24:54,160
What do they eat all day?

528
00:24:54,240 --> 00:24:57,200
Fish, rice, miso soup
is all you get there.

529
00:24:57,280 --> 00:25:01,240
If that's all you eat all day,
you'll shit like a sheep.

530
00:25:02,040 --> 00:25:04,360
Their bowel movements take three seconds.

531
00:25:04,440 --> 00:25:06,600
-[imitates rapid pooping]
-That's it.

532
00:25:07,320 --> 00:25:08,960
One squat and it's all out.

533
00:25:09,040 --> 00:25:12,400
[imitates rapid pooping]

534
00:25:12,480 --> 00:25:14,520
That's how they came up with Sumo.

535
00:25:14,600 --> 00:25:16,480
Like this. [imitates pooping]

536
00:25:16,560 --> 00:25:17,400
That's it.

537
00:25:17,960 --> 00:25:20,680
These Japanese people
don't know what it's like

538
00:25:20,760 --> 00:25:23,920
to stuff your face with a kebab
at 3:00 a.m.

539
00:25:25,360 --> 00:25:29,160
Chili cheese nuggets
with radioactive spicy sauce.

540
00:25:30,000 --> 00:25:32,160
If you eat such radioactive shit

541
00:25:32,240 --> 00:25:35,000
and you drop a Hiroshima the next day,

542
00:25:35,880 --> 00:25:37,600
It might take a while to go…

543
00:25:37,680 --> 00:25:40,880
-[imitating rain dance]
-[audience clapping]

544
00:25:40,960 --> 00:25:45,560
You will need at least a whole tree.
A whole tree.

545
00:25:45,640 --> 00:25:46,720
If not, it's a KO.

546
00:25:46,800 --> 00:25:50,000
-Thank you. It was a pleasure.
-[audience cheering]

547
00:25:50,080 --> 00:25:52,080
[hip-hop theme playing]

548
00:25:53,920 --> 00:25:58,360
Ladies and gentlemen,
big applause for the Swiss comedian…

549
00:25:58,440 --> 00:26:00,400
-Alain Frei!
-[audience applauding]

550
00:26:01,840 --> 00:26:02,880
Thank you!

551
00:26:03,600 --> 00:26:04,520
Thanks a lot!

552
00:26:05,040 --> 00:26:06,360
Thank you!

553
00:26:06,440 --> 00:26:09,120
So nice! Thank you!

554
00:26:09,200 --> 00:26:10,080
Thank you!

555
00:26:11,200 --> 00:26:12,040
Thank you!

556
00:26:12,840 --> 00:26:15,360
Before we get started,
I'd like to say one thing.

557
00:26:15,440 --> 00:26:17,880
Something very important to me.

558
00:26:18,960 --> 00:26:20,480
I'm not that white.

559
00:26:21,920 --> 00:26:24,440
Just to clear that up at the start.

560
00:26:24,520 --> 00:26:28,800
We're so happy
that this is able to take place.

561
00:26:28,880 --> 00:26:33,000
-Yeah, applause for you guys. Really.
-[audience cheering]

562
00:26:33,080 --> 00:26:36,600
I dressed extra chic for you.
Cool, right? Thanks.

563
00:26:37,960 --> 00:26:38,880
You know…

564
00:26:40,600 --> 00:26:42,680
my suit gets more applause than my jokes.

565
00:26:42,760 --> 00:26:45,520
That's sad. "How was the show?"
"Alain was chic."

566
00:26:45,600 --> 00:26:46,600
[audience laughing]

567
00:26:46,680 --> 00:26:49,040
"His mom will be happy."

568
00:26:50,240 --> 00:26:53,520
Guys, let me be totally honest with you.

569
00:26:53,600 --> 00:26:56,160
As a comedian, every show is different.

570
00:26:56,840 --> 00:26:58,640
You never know what awaits you.

571
00:26:58,720 --> 00:27:02,320
My most unusual show
was in the south, in Nuremberg.

572
00:27:02,400 --> 00:27:06,040
The audience was having such a great time,
too great.

573
00:27:06,120 --> 00:27:08,160
They hooted and hollered.

574
00:27:08,240 --> 00:27:11,240
There was a lady
in the first row laughing out of control.

575
00:27:11,320 --> 00:27:13,000
She lost her shit.

576
00:27:13,080 --> 00:27:15,440
She was like this the whole time…
[laughs maniacally]

577
00:27:16,480 --> 00:27:19,080
You know
when someone laughs so hard

578
00:27:19,160 --> 00:27:20,920
that you have to laugh too?

579
00:27:21,560 --> 00:27:23,800
I was also like… [laughs maniacally]

580
00:27:23,880 --> 00:27:27,040
Then she was like… [laughs maniacally]
Then I was like… [laughs maniacally]

581
00:27:27,120 --> 00:27:29,240
Then all of a sudden… boom!
She falls over.

582
00:27:30,160 --> 00:27:32,080
And I was like… [exclaims maniacally]

583
00:27:32,800 --> 00:27:35,360
We had to interrupt the show.

584
00:27:35,880 --> 00:27:38,000
They brought in a doctor.

585
00:27:38,520 --> 00:27:40,160
They picked her back up.

586
00:27:40,800 --> 00:27:44,480
She was feeling better,
and I asked the doctor,

587
00:27:44,560 --> 00:27:47,480
"What the hell just happened?"

588
00:27:48,040 --> 00:27:49,000
He said,

589
00:27:49,080 --> 00:27:53,480
"Mr. Frei, this woman had a laughing fit."

590
00:27:53,560 --> 00:27:56,200
-[audience chuckling]
-Hey, that's a real thing.

591
00:27:56,280 --> 00:27:58,040
She laughed so much

592
00:27:58,120 --> 00:28:02,840
that her circulatory system collapsed.

593
00:28:02,920 --> 00:28:08,120
And you know the first emotion I felt,
just for a millisecond?

594
00:28:08,200 --> 00:28:10,720
-Pride.
-[audience laughing]

595
00:28:10,800 --> 00:28:13,560
It didn't last long! It was quick!

596
00:28:13,640 --> 00:28:16,640
-[audience clapping]
-Not long!

597
00:28:16,720 --> 00:28:19,000
My mother called, "How was the show?"

598
00:28:19,080 --> 00:28:23,280
"I almost killed someone! I'm so funny!"

599
00:28:25,320 --> 00:28:28,560
You know what this laugh reminded me of?

600
00:28:28,640 --> 00:28:30,680
There's this stereotype

601
00:28:30,760 --> 00:28:33,840
where you go like this… [mock laughing]

602
00:28:34,600 --> 00:28:36,440
I have buddy,

603
00:28:36,520 --> 00:28:38,320
and he really does this!

604
00:28:38,400 --> 00:28:40,440
He's always like…

605
00:28:40,520 --> 00:28:42,600
And I know why people do that.

606
00:28:42,680 --> 00:28:45,560
They know exactly how cute it looks,

607
00:28:45,640 --> 00:28:48,680
and they know you can't get mad at them.

608
00:28:48,760 --> 00:28:51,680
No way.
I loaned Rashid my car and he said,

609
00:28:51,760 --> 00:28:54,640
"Alain, I got in a wreck with your car."

610
00:28:54,720 --> 00:28:57,160
I was like, "Rashid! Why did you do that?"

611
00:28:57,240 --> 00:28:59,440
[mock laughing]

612
00:28:59,520 --> 00:29:02,440
"Come here, little guy. You're so cute!"

613
00:29:03,720 --> 00:29:07,200
I'm Swiss. We are stereotyped too.
I'm so tired of them.

614
00:29:07,280 --> 00:29:09,440
After a show, a guy told me,

615
00:29:09,520 --> 00:29:14,040
"Hey, you Swiss people,
you're all rich, right?"

616
00:29:14,120 --> 00:29:15,080
And I was like…

617
00:29:16,080 --> 00:29:16,920
"Yeah."

618
00:29:17,800 --> 00:29:19,400
Then I bought him.

619
00:29:20,160 --> 00:29:22,080
Really, he's mine now.

620
00:29:22,160 --> 00:29:23,640
A little German.

621
00:29:24,760 --> 00:29:26,000
He lives in my closet.

622
00:29:26,800 --> 00:29:30,200
I don't ever let him out.
That's the truth. He's mine!

623
00:29:30,280 --> 00:29:32,280
-[audience clapping]
-I bought him.

624
00:29:34,360 --> 00:29:37,080
Notice that only the foreigners clapped.

625
00:29:37,160 --> 00:29:39,120
They were like, "You really did that?"

626
00:29:39,200 --> 00:29:40,800
[audience chuckling]

627
00:29:40,880 --> 00:29:41,840
I…

628
00:29:41,920 --> 00:29:44,880
I very rarely get political on stage.
Rarely.

629
00:29:44,960 --> 00:29:48,480
I made a few jokes
about a slightly right-wing German party.

630
00:29:48,560 --> 00:29:49,680
The AfD.

631
00:29:49,760 --> 00:29:51,960
And not because we simply disagree.

632
00:29:52,040 --> 00:29:54,640
Hey, it's democracy.
You have to deal with it.

633
00:29:54,720 --> 00:29:58,960
You know why I can't stand them?
Because I'm too old for bullshit.

634
00:29:59,040 --> 00:30:01,120
I no longer tolerate bullshit.

635
00:30:01,200 --> 00:30:03,760
Things that don't make sense to me.

636
00:30:03,840 --> 00:30:07,640
The AfD and Pegida
had a large protest together

637
00:30:07,720 --> 00:30:10,480
against the Islamization of the West.

638
00:30:10,560 --> 00:30:12,760
They were running around with signs.

639
00:30:12,840 --> 00:30:16,080
There was a guy in front
with a huge sign saying,

640
00:30:16,160 --> 00:30:18,920
these are his words, not mine,
it said…

641
00:30:19,960 --> 00:30:25,680
"We don't want foreign rapists!"

642
00:30:28,920 --> 00:30:31,600
-No one wants that!
-[audience laughing]

643
00:30:31,680 --> 00:30:33,880
I don't want that either!

644
00:30:33,960 --> 00:30:37,520
I've never been to a party and said,
"Hey, is the rapist here yet?"

645
00:30:38,360 --> 00:30:43,680
Then the doorbell rings,
"Hello! It's me, the rapist!"

646
00:30:43,760 --> 00:30:46,560
"Wait a second. What kind of rapist?"

647
00:30:46,640 --> 00:30:49,840
"A German one!"
"Come on in."

648
00:30:50,560 --> 00:30:52,800
I'm too old for bullshit.

649
00:30:52,880 --> 00:30:57,800
I saw there were counterprotests
to the Black Lives Matter protests.

650
00:30:57,880 --> 00:30:59,120
People who said,

651
00:30:59,200 --> 00:31:04,160
"I don't think it's okay
for them to want the same rights as us."

652
00:31:04,240 --> 00:31:07,560
They interviewed a woman in the US,
and she said

653
00:31:07,640 --> 00:31:09,920
she didn't have
anything against Black people,

654
00:31:10,000 --> 00:31:13,880
she just didn't think that Black
and White people belonged together.

655
00:31:14,640 --> 00:31:19,040
Listen, an adult woman
in the 21st century said

656
00:31:19,120 --> 00:31:22,600
that she doesn't believe
that Black and White go together.

657
00:31:22,680 --> 00:31:24,200
Let me tell you one thing.

658
00:31:24,280 --> 00:31:29,400
There's only one place in world
where Black and White don't go together…

659
00:31:29,480 --> 00:31:31,040
and that's the washing machine.

660
00:31:32,400 --> 00:31:35,040
-It's the only place.
-[audience clapping]

661
00:31:35,120 --> 00:31:36,040
The only one.

662
00:31:36,760 --> 00:31:38,200
Everywhere else is fine.

663
00:31:38,800 --> 00:31:39,640
The only one.

664
00:31:41,440 --> 00:31:42,800
The one and only.

665
00:31:46,040 --> 00:31:47,880
I have an older brother.

666
00:31:47,960 --> 00:31:51,120
And here's a fact
for everyone with siblings.

667
00:31:51,200 --> 00:31:53,320
It's been proved scientifically.

668
00:31:53,400 --> 00:31:55,400
Between all siblings, there's always

669
00:31:56,520 --> 00:31:57,560
a good-looking one…

670
00:31:58,760 --> 00:31:59,960
and a funny one.

671
00:32:00,960 --> 00:32:05,360
That's a fact. And all of you thinking,
"No! That's not the case for us."

672
00:32:05,440 --> 00:32:07,160
You're the funny ones.

673
00:32:08,400 --> 00:32:10,440
Only the good-looking ones laughed.

674
00:32:10,520 --> 00:32:12,880
-"Come on, laugh, Quasimodo."
-[audience laughs]

675
00:32:12,960 --> 00:32:14,600
"He's talking about you. Laugh!"

676
00:32:15,280 --> 00:32:18,360
If you wonder about my situation,

677
00:32:18,880 --> 00:32:20,240
you can guess.

678
00:32:20,760 --> 00:32:22,000
I'm the funny one.

679
00:32:22,080 --> 00:32:24,560
My brother looks good.
He has the face of a model.

680
00:32:24,640 --> 00:32:26,520
I hate him.

681
00:32:27,160 --> 00:32:28,400
He's always been the adult.

682
00:32:28,480 --> 00:32:32,320
He was born an adult.
He came out in a suit with a monocle.

683
00:32:32,400 --> 00:32:35,160
"Where's my bank account?"
He was always grown-up.

684
00:32:35,240 --> 00:32:38,120
As a child, you could
send him to do anything, like shopping.

685
00:32:38,200 --> 00:32:39,160
As a four-year old.

686
00:32:39,240 --> 00:32:42,600
My mother was like,
"Michael, could you go to the store?"

687
00:32:42,680 --> 00:32:45,480
"As you wish, mother."
That's how this dumbass talked.

688
00:32:45,560 --> 00:32:48,480
You couldn't send me at all.
"Buy milk." I get back…

689
00:32:48,560 --> 00:32:50,240
"The milk?"
"I drank it."

690
00:32:51,200 --> 00:32:53,080
"And the change?"
"I ate it."

691
00:32:53,160 --> 00:32:55,240
I was such a dumb kid.

692
00:32:55,320 --> 00:32:57,440
Everyone made fun of me. Everyone.

693
00:32:57,520 --> 00:32:59,800
I had a neighbor with Down's syndrome.

694
00:32:59,880 --> 00:33:02,320
Even he was like…
[imitating lisp] "Wow, you're dumb!"

695
00:33:03,080 --> 00:33:05,080
[audience laughing and clapping]

696
00:33:11,280 --> 00:33:13,240
You know why I think this joke's okay?

697
00:33:13,320 --> 00:33:17,280
I've worked with people
who have Down's syndrome,

698
00:33:17,360 --> 00:33:21,120
and they're such awesome people
with such big hearts.

699
00:33:21,200 --> 00:33:22,480
They love to laugh.

700
00:33:22,560 --> 00:33:25,360
My neighbor laughs at this joke the most.

701
00:33:25,440 --> 00:33:27,440
I think it's awesome
if you can laugh at that.

702
00:33:27,520 --> 00:33:29,800
I told this joke on stage once,

703
00:33:29,880 --> 00:33:31,800
and a guy in the audience was like…

704
00:33:31,880 --> 00:33:33,360
[laughing comically]

705
00:33:33,440 --> 00:33:35,720
I said, "Look how cool this is!"

706
00:33:35,800 --> 00:33:36,960
I tell this joke,

707
00:33:37,040 --> 00:33:40,680
and the guy laughing the most
has Down's syndrome.

708
00:33:40,760 --> 00:33:42,720
He looks at me and says, "No, I don't."

709
00:33:42,800 --> 00:33:44,800
[audience laughing]

710
00:33:46,360 --> 00:33:47,600
It was tough.

711
00:33:49,440 --> 00:33:50,480
People.

712
00:33:50,560 --> 00:33:51,400
My brother…

713
00:33:51,480 --> 00:33:53,840
I was dumb, but he was too.

714
00:33:53,920 --> 00:33:55,880
He was only smart compared to me.

715
00:33:55,960 --> 00:33:57,280
We were brothers…

716
00:33:57,360 --> 00:33:59,480
We would always try
to one-up each other.

717
00:33:59,560 --> 00:34:02,600
With dumb stuff.
Stuff that makes no sense, like,

718
00:34:02,680 --> 00:34:05,320
"I can ride my bike longer than you."

719
00:34:05,400 --> 00:34:07,720
"No, I can ride longer than you."

720
00:34:07,800 --> 00:34:10,680
Then we rode around
in circles for eight hours.

721
00:34:11,520 --> 00:34:13,320
Like two complete idiots.

722
00:34:14,240 --> 00:34:17,440
When people visited my mother,
"Hey, how are the kids?"

723
00:34:17,520 --> 00:34:18,560
"They're dumb."

724
00:34:19,840 --> 00:34:21,560
"Take a look out the window."

725
00:34:22,080 --> 00:34:24,480
"They've been at it for eight hours."

726
00:34:25,040 --> 00:34:27,440
"The ugly one on the left, he's dumber."

727
00:34:27,520 --> 00:34:29,520
[audience laughing]

728
00:34:29,600 --> 00:34:31,600
-[audience clapping]
-Yeah.

729
00:34:35,200 --> 00:34:36,600
I was a dumb kid.

730
00:34:38,840 --> 00:34:40,600
I always liked…

731
00:34:40,680 --> 00:34:44,120
I liked animals
and watching animal documentaries.

732
00:34:44,200 --> 00:34:47,720
You learn things you'll never use again.

733
00:34:48,240 --> 00:34:51,000
I saw something that
I think is perfect for our time.

734
00:34:51,080 --> 00:34:53,400
And this is actually true.

735
00:34:53,480 --> 00:34:56,080
There's a type of starfish,

736
00:34:56,600 --> 00:35:00,240
and 20% of these starfish

737
00:35:00,320 --> 00:35:02,000
are born without an anus.

738
00:35:02,880 --> 00:35:04,880
They don't have an asshole,

739
00:35:04,960 --> 00:35:07,320
but they can survive.

740
00:35:07,400 --> 00:35:08,640
They poop on the inside.

741
00:35:08,720 --> 00:35:11,600
They do it their entire lives.
It just builds up.

742
00:35:11,680 --> 00:35:13,040
Not a problem for them.

743
00:35:13,120 --> 00:35:15,280
They shit more and more. It builds up.

744
00:35:15,360 --> 00:35:18,000
It keeps going up
until it's at the very top,

745
00:35:18,080 --> 00:35:21,160
and all they have in their head is shit.

746
00:35:21,240 --> 00:35:25,440
I swear I know people
who this also happens to.

747
00:35:25,520 --> 00:35:27,640
-[audience laughing]
-The exact same thing.

748
00:35:27,720 --> 00:35:30,480
Really! Their head is full of shit.

749
00:35:33,040 --> 00:35:37,600
I'll end with this.
I noticed something very strange.

750
00:35:38,200 --> 00:35:41,280
I noticed there are sentences in Germany.

751
00:35:41,360 --> 00:35:45,240
You say them in movies
but not in everyday life.

752
00:35:45,320 --> 00:35:48,360
I was watching a police movie
and the guy said,

753
00:35:48,440 --> 00:35:51,120
"Sir, with all due respect…"

754
00:35:51,640 --> 00:35:54,440
You don't say that in everyday life.
I tried it out.

755
00:35:54,520 --> 00:35:56,400
I was paying at Mickey D's.

756
00:35:57,120 --> 00:36:00,400
She said, "Ketchup or mayonnaise?"
I said, "With all due respect…

757
00:36:01,080 --> 00:36:02,080
both."

758
00:36:03,000 --> 00:36:04,800
This sentence is like a trick.

759
00:36:04,880 --> 00:36:06,080
It's so polite,

760
00:36:06,160 --> 00:36:08,200
you can do whatever you want afterwards.

761
00:36:08,280 --> 00:36:09,640
Like the guy in the film,

762
00:36:09,720 --> 00:36:12,760
"Sir, with all due respect,
you have no idea!"

763
00:36:12,840 --> 00:36:15,120
Even the other one said,
"You might be right."

764
00:36:16,040 --> 00:36:16,920
Try it out.

765
00:36:17,000 --> 00:36:20,320
Next week,
show up to work five hours late,

766
00:36:21,520 --> 00:36:23,760
Come in calm as though it's nothing.

767
00:36:23,840 --> 00:36:25,040
"Hey, what's up?"

768
00:36:25,120 --> 00:36:29,040
When the boss asks you,
"What the hell is this? Why so late?"

769
00:36:31,640 --> 00:36:32,520
"Sir."

770
00:36:34,360 --> 00:36:35,920
"With all due respect…

771
00:36:36,480 --> 00:36:37,840
here!"

772
00:36:38,560 --> 00:36:41,840
And if he gets mad, "How dare you?"
Just do this…

773
00:36:41,920 --> 00:36:43,560
[mock laughing]

774
00:36:43,640 --> 00:36:46,200
-My dear friends, thank you for coming!
-[audience clapping]

775
00:36:46,280 --> 00:36:48,000
Enjoy the show! Thank you so much!

776
00:36:48,080 --> 00:36:50,240
-[audience cheering]
-[hip-hop theme playing]

777
00:36:50,320 --> 00:36:51,320
Thank you!

778
00:36:52,280 --> 00:36:58,240
[host] Ladies and gentlemen,
Let's welcome Hany Siam!

779
00:36:58,320 --> 00:37:01,520
-[hip-hop theme continues]
-[audience cheering]

780
00:37:08,640 --> 00:37:10,880
Holy shit!

781
00:37:10,960 --> 00:37:12,600
Stop it!

782
00:37:15,880 --> 00:37:17,200
Dude!

783
00:37:17,280 --> 00:37:20,920
What amazing energy! Awesome! Killer!

784
00:37:21,000 --> 00:37:23,320
I'm unbelievably happy to be here.

785
00:37:23,920 --> 00:37:25,160
Ladies and gentlemen,

786
00:37:25,760 --> 00:37:30,520
I'm no fan
of over-the-top political correctness.

787
00:37:31,440 --> 00:37:34,800
I think a lot of people
have become too sensitive.

788
00:37:35,320 --> 00:37:37,640
But instead of making a fuss,

789
00:37:37,720 --> 00:37:40,080
I started using it to my advantage.

790
00:37:41,280 --> 00:37:45,040
At some point,
I started playing the race card.

791
00:37:45,600 --> 00:37:47,160
But completely out of context.

792
00:37:47,720 --> 00:37:49,000
I was at the movies.

793
00:37:49,080 --> 00:37:51,840
There was a huge line to get popcorn.

794
00:37:51,920 --> 00:37:55,520
I just cut in line,
and the woman behind me was like…

795
00:37:58,360 --> 00:37:59,840
"Go to the back of the line."

796
00:38:03,120 --> 00:38:05,280
"Did you just call me 'nigga'?"

797
00:38:05,360 --> 00:38:08,480
[audience laughing and clapping]

798
00:38:16,120 --> 00:38:19,520
She said, "No, never! I like Obama!"

799
00:38:20,720 --> 00:38:22,880
She eventually gave up, and I was like,

800
00:38:22,960 --> 00:38:25,480
"Cool! I'll try it again."

801
00:38:26,200 --> 00:38:28,840
After the movie, I went to food stand.

802
00:38:28,920 --> 00:38:32,040
Another long line and I cut it once again.

803
00:38:32,120 --> 00:38:35,480
Some guy back there was like,
"Dude, go to the back."

804
00:38:35,560 --> 00:38:37,680
I thought, "This is my chance."

805
00:38:38,680 --> 00:38:41,120
"Did you just call me 'nigga'--"
I was like, "Fuck!"

806
00:38:41,640 --> 00:38:43,400
"He's darker than me!"

807
00:38:45,240 --> 00:38:48,600
He turned the tables on me,
"Did you just call me 'nigga'?"

808
00:38:49,280 --> 00:38:52,240
I said, "No, never! I like Obama!"

809
00:38:52,320 --> 00:38:53,880
[audience laughing]

810
00:38:53,960 --> 00:38:56,960
-I ran away! I ran away!
-[audience clapping]

811
00:39:02,440 --> 00:39:06,200
After that,
I never played the race card again.

812
00:39:06,280 --> 00:39:07,840
With one exception.

813
00:39:08,360 --> 00:39:10,360
Let's talk about my background first.

814
00:39:10,440 --> 00:39:14,000
I actually don't talk
or think about it much

815
00:39:14,080 --> 00:39:16,000
because I don't define myself by it.

816
00:39:16,080 --> 00:39:19,240
But I understand
why many think about their background

817
00:39:19,320 --> 00:39:20,960
and why it's important to them.

818
00:39:21,040 --> 00:39:23,760
I recently went for a walk in town,

819
00:39:23,840 --> 00:39:26,560
and a real Black African walked by.

820
00:39:27,160 --> 00:39:28,120
He was walking.

821
00:39:29,520 --> 00:39:30,360
Looked at me.

822
00:39:33,360 --> 00:39:34,880
Nodded and went on.

823
00:39:35,520 --> 00:39:39,440
I thought, "Who the hell was that?
He must have gotten me confused."

824
00:39:39,960 --> 00:39:43,560
A few minutes later,
another Black African walked by.

825
00:39:43,640 --> 00:39:44,480
He was walking.

826
00:39:45,840 --> 00:39:46,840
Looked at me.

827
00:39:48,720 --> 00:39:49,760
And went on.

828
00:39:49,840 --> 00:39:54,880
Then, it clicked.
It's something like, "Yo, brother!"

829
00:39:56,320 --> 00:39:58,360
"We endured the same hardships."

830
00:39:59,440 --> 00:40:01,200
"Slavery and whatnot."

831
00:40:01,280 --> 00:40:03,400
Then I had such a bad conscience

832
00:40:03,480 --> 00:40:05,800
because my parents are from Egypt.

833
00:40:07,160 --> 00:40:09,120
Ever heard about the pyramids?

834
00:40:10,000 --> 00:40:12,600
Dude, we invented slavery!

835
00:40:13,760 --> 00:40:15,880
-Hey, that's…
-[audience clapping]

836
00:40:21,600 --> 00:40:25,280
Dude, that's like going up
to Jack the Ripper and saying,

837
00:40:25,360 --> 00:40:27,880
"Let's stick together.
There's a killer on the loose."

838
00:40:29,640 --> 00:40:34,200
But a few years ago,
proof actually came out

839
00:40:34,280 --> 00:40:36,920
that the pyramid builders weren't slaves,

840
00:40:37,000 --> 00:40:39,680
they were workers receiving fair wages.

841
00:40:39,760 --> 00:40:40,760
[whistling]

842
00:40:41,600 --> 00:40:45,680
As soon as I heard about this,
I thought, "Fake."

843
00:40:46,880 --> 00:40:51,840
I know how Egyptians work.
Some Mahmud made up some proof…

844
00:40:53,520 --> 00:40:55,240
to improve Egypt's reputation.

845
00:40:56,440 --> 00:40:59,400
"I swear to God,
I just found this papyrus."

846
00:40:59,480 --> 00:41:01,480
[audience laughing]

847
00:41:01,560 --> 00:41:04,360
"The hieroglyphs say we paid everyone."

848
00:41:04,920 --> 00:41:06,360
"Hold on!"

849
00:41:07,480 --> 00:41:09,320
"This was written with a marker!"

850
00:41:10,440 --> 00:41:12,360
"Why are Germans such squares?

851
00:41:12,440 --> 00:41:15,280
[audience laughing and clapping]

852
00:41:20,960 --> 00:41:23,320
"We Egyptians invented markers!"

853
00:41:24,080 --> 00:41:29,280
And Black people still nod to me,
and greet me, and all this stuff.

854
00:41:30,640 --> 00:41:32,640
"We endured the same hardships."

855
00:41:32,720 --> 00:41:35,840
I'm like, "No, dude! You endured a lot."

856
00:41:36,320 --> 00:41:39,640
"You're on team…"
[singing] ♪ Let my people go ♪

857
00:41:40,160 --> 00:41:43,640
"I'm on team… [imitates whip cracking]
'You're going nowhere!'"

858
00:41:44,560 --> 00:41:46,360
[audience clapping]

859
00:41:46,880 --> 00:41:48,480
"You're going nowhere."

860
00:41:51,400 --> 00:41:52,360
"No, no, no!"

861
00:41:54,920 --> 00:41:57,080
To avoid this uncomfortable situation

862
00:41:57,160 --> 00:42:00,160
of Black people giving me a nod
and me feeling bad,

863
00:42:00,240 --> 00:42:03,320
I now walk like this every time
a Black person looks at me.

864
00:42:04,600 --> 00:42:06,600
[audience laughing]

865
00:42:07,360 --> 00:42:09,040
It works! It works!

866
00:42:09,680 --> 00:42:11,880
I know a lot of you are thinking,

867
00:42:11,960 --> 00:42:14,640
"The guy up there, he's a bit strange."

868
00:42:15,400 --> 00:42:16,440
And you're right.

869
00:42:17,000 --> 00:42:17,840
Absolutely.

870
00:42:17,920 --> 00:42:21,840
Do you know
what the main reason why I vote is?

871
00:42:21,920 --> 00:42:22,920
Like, politics?

872
00:42:24,400 --> 00:42:27,400
I have this thing
that makes me want to check off boxes.

873
00:42:28,080 --> 00:42:30,200
Doesn't matter which box. Check.

874
00:42:30,280 --> 00:42:33,000
"Hey, Hany. Who did you vote for? SPD?"

875
00:42:33,520 --> 00:42:34,680
"Among others."

876
00:42:36,560 --> 00:42:39,560
I've had this thing ever since school.
Really.

877
00:42:39,640 --> 00:42:42,640
Remember these love letters with
"Yes, no, maybe"?

878
00:42:43,800 --> 00:42:46,720
When I got it, I checked them all off.

879
00:42:47,240 --> 00:42:48,800
The girls actually liked it.

880
00:42:48,880 --> 00:42:52,040
They were like,
"Oh, my God. Hany is so mysterious."

881
00:42:52,800 --> 00:42:56,320
"No, I'm just the guy
from the show Monk."

882
00:42:57,240 --> 00:42:58,760
I still don't get

883
00:42:58,840 --> 00:43:02,000
why women are so into mysterious men.

884
00:43:02,080 --> 00:43:03,200
I don't get it.

885
00:43:03,720 --> 00:43:07,800
Ladies, mystery is never a good thing.

886
00:43:09,720 --> 00:43:12,600
Or have you ever met a man who said,

887
00:43:13,120 --> 00:43:15,000
"I have a secret to confess."

888
00:43:15,760 --> 00:43:17,520
"I'm a millionaire."

889
00:43:19,200 --> 00:43:20,760
"What? You're okay with that?"

890
00:43:21,440 --> 00:43:24,680
"I finally found someone
interested in my credit card."

891
00:43:24,760 --> 00:43:25,840
Never happened!

892
00:43:26,480 --> 00:43:29,520
My secret is my box-checking obsession.

893
00:43:30,520 --> 00:43:33,240
This tick will be my downfall.

894
00:43:33,920 --> 00:43:37,800
Do you have any idea
how expensive my insurance is?

895
00:43:40,320 --> 00:43:42,600
This form destroyed me!

896
00:43:43,400 --> 00:43:45,800
"Please mark
your pre-existing conditions."

897
00:43:46,920 --> 00:43:48,680
[audience laughing]

898
00:43:48,760 --> 00:43:50,760
[audience clapping]

899
00:43:57,880 --> 00:43:59,080
Fuck!

900
00:44:00,840 --> 00:44:03,160
"Do you have hemorrhoids?"
"I do now!"

901
00:44:05,040 --> 00:44:07,800
But, guys…
[laughs] Guys, speaking of voting.

902
00:44:07,880 --> 00:44:10,160
I think voting is extremely important…

903
00:44:10,240 --> 00:44:13,280
solely to cancel out the vote of a Nazi.

904
00:44:13,360 --> 00:44:15,640
Because a lot of idiots get to vote.

905
00:44:15,720 --> 00:44:20,080
For example, on the internet,
I recently saw a gay Nazi.

906
00:44:20,160 --> 00:44:21,240
A gay Nazi!

907
00:44:22,120 --> 00:44:24,000
He seriously said…

908
00:44:25,240 --> 00:44:26,280
"Oh, my gosh!"

909
00:44:27,480 --> 00:44:28,480
[sighs heavily]

910
00:44:29,640 --> 00:44:31,120
"These Muslims…

911
00:44:32,080 --> 00:44:34,760
are taking all the good men!"

912
00:44:34,840 --> 00:44:37,160
-[audience laughing]
-Huh?

913
00:44:38,040 --> 00:44:39,200
Okay, timeout!

914
00:44:40,160 --> 00:44:42,880
I think this danger is quite manageable.

915
00:44:43,960 --> 00:44:47,120
Never in my life
have I heard a Muslim say,

916
00:44:47,640 --> 00:44:49,160
"Brother, after Ramadan,

917
00:44:49,680 --> 00:44:52,000
I'm going to taste some spicy sausage!"

918
00:44:52,080 --> 00:44:54,080
[audience laughing and clapping]

919
00:44:55,000 --> 00:44:55,840
[exclaims]

920
00:45:00,160 --> 00:45:01,480
Never seen it!

921
00:45:01,560 --> 00:45:04,640
Never seen it, but who knows?
Maybe it exists.

922
00:45:04,720 --> 00:45:06,280
Anything is possible.

923
00:45:06,360 --> 00:45:10,760
I mean, standing before you
is a dark-skinned person born in Germany,

924
00:45:10,840 --> 00:45:13,000
an Arab who supports gay marriage,

925
00:45:13,080 --> 00:45:16,080
and the son of Muslims
who take Hebrew at school.

926
00:45:16,640 --> 00:45:19,840
-[audience cheering]
-Anything is possible!

927
00:45:20,480 --> 00:45:21,520
Anything.

928
00:45:23,360 --> 00:45:24,280
Yes!

929
00:45:27,040 --> 00:45:29,360
-And I'm a nice guy.
-[audience member laughs]

930
00:45:30,560 --> 00:45:31,560
Why did you laugh?

931
00:45:31,640 --> 00:45:33,960
[laughs] I really am a nice guy,

932
00:45:34,040 --> 00:45:37,000
and I never want
anyone to feel bad because of me.

933
00:45:37,080 --> 00:45:38,880
For example, a while ago,

934
00:45:38,960 --> 00:45:42,480
I flirted with a woman,
which happens once every five years…

935
00:45:43,000 --> 00:45:46,280
and she wasn't,
how should I put it, like, "Damn!"

936
00:45:46,360 --> 00:45:47,840
More like, "Damn."

937
00:45:48,960 --> 00:45:52,960
And the way she started talking to me.
Like, "Oh! Hey, cutie!"

938
00:45:53,040 --> 00:45:55,040
[imitates chewing]

939
00:45:55,120 --> 00:45:56,560
"Give me your number."

940
00:45:56,640 --> 00:46:00,280
I had trouble saying,
"Sorry, but I don't date cyclopes."

941
00:46:01,080 --> 00:46:04,320
So I had to improvise, I was like…

942
00:46:05,080 --> 00:46:08,040
"Oh, pardon! Je ne peux parler allemand!"

943
00:46:08,800 --> 00:46:11,400
"Oh! Mais je peux parler français!"

944
00:46:12,920 --> 00:46:16,840
"Oh! Mi scusi! Non parlo tedesco!"

945
00:46:17,400 --> 00:46:19,840
"Oh! Ma io parlo italiano!"

946
00:46:21,080 --> 00:46:22,040
Shit!

947
00:46:22,560 --> 00:46:25,800
"Ben almanca konuşamıyorum."

948
00:46:27,200 --> 00:46:28,520
"Ben türkçe konuşuyorum!"

949
00:46:28,600 --> 00:46:29,920
I was like, "Dude!"

950
00:46:35,160 --> 00:46:36,160
Guys!

951
00:46:37,560 --> 00:46:40,120
I couldn't get out of it!

952
00:46:40,680 --> 00:46:42,920
I was with her for two years.

953
00:46:43,000 --> 00:46:45,280
-[audience laughing]
-Guys.

954
00:46:45,360 --> 00:46:46,560
Guys!

955
00:46:46,640 --> 00:46:48,600
-She thought…
-[audience clapping]

956
00:46:48,680 --> 00:46:51,520
She thought I was a dark Turk.

957
00:46:53,080 --> 00:46:54,920
Is that even a thing?

958
00:46:55,000 --> 00:46:56,920
[imitating funny accent]

959
00:46:57,000 --> 00:46:59,840
Never seen one! Never seen it!

960
00:46:59,920 --> 00:47:03,040
But I eventually
managed to break up with her.

961
00:47:03,120 --> 00:47:05,160
I managed it eventually.

962
00:47:05,240 --> 00:47:08,040
I just had to wait for the right moment.

963
00:47:08,720 --> 00:47:12,560
"Hany!
I told you to leave me some chocolate!"

964
00:47:14,920 --> 00:47:17,040
"Did you just call me 'nigga'?"

965
00:47:17,120 --> 00:47:18,480
And I bounced!

966
00:47:18,560 --> 00:47:20,360
[audience clapping]

967
00:47:20,440 --> 00:47:21,960
My name is Hany Siam!

968
00:47:22,040 --> 00:47:23,520
You were unbelievable!

969
00:47:23,600 --> 00:47:25,000
You were amazing!

970
00:47:25,080 --> 00:47:27,520
-Thank you!
-[hip-hop theme playing]

971
00:47:27,600 --> 00:47:29,080
Thank you! I love you!

972
00:47:29,680 --> 00:47:30,560
Thank you!

973
00:47:30,640 --> 00:47:33,720
-[hip-hop theme continues]
-[audience cheering]

974
00:47:40,400 --> 00:47:43,920
Ladies and gentlemen, go wild
for the co-founder of RebellComedy!

975
00:47:44,000 --> 00:47:47,720
-Here is Ususmango!
-[hip-hop theme continues]

976
00:47:47,800 --> 00:47:50,520
-What's up?
-[audience cheering]

977
00:47:50,600 --> 00:47:51,920
Very nice!

978
00:47:54,120 --> 00:47:56,000
Very cool. What's up?

979
00:47:56,080 --> 00:47:58,560
-How are you doing, Cologne?
-[audience exclaims]

980
00:47:58,640 --> 00:48:00,720
Great. I'm so happy to be here.

981
00:48:00,800 --> 00:48:03,000
Really. I missed you.

982
00:48:03,080 --> 00:48:04,840
I don't know any of you, but I…

983
00:48:05,760 --> 00:48:08,880
I really missed you
in my imagination kind of.

984
00:48:08,960 --> 00:48:11,360
I don't know… I'm happy to be here.

985
00:48:11,440 --> 00:48:14,960
I have three kids at home.
I now have three kids.

986
00:48:15,480 --> 00:48:18,960
I'm extremely happy to be here, so…

987
00:48:19,480 --> 00:48:21,720
Really so much…

988
00:48:22,640 --> 00:48:25,200
A break. I get a break.

989
00:48:26,160 --> 00:48:27,120
Exactly, man.

990
00:48:27,760 --> 00:48:31,120
Most of you know two of my kids
from the RebellComedy stories.

991
00:48:31,200 --> 00:48:33,280
Now I have three. I don't know how.

992
00:48:33,360 --> 00:48:35,760
You might be able to figure it out.

993
00:48:35,840 --> 00:48:37,000
I have three kids.

994
00:48:37,080 --> 00:48:39,920
My oldest daughter is 11 years old.

995
00:48:40,000 --> 00:48:41,000
My son is nine.

996
00:48:41,080 --> 00:48:43,120
My youngest daughter is five.

997
00:48:43,200 --> 00:48:45,360
I always remind myself

998
00:48:45,440 --> 00:48:50,960
that the others are already so big,
but I feel like five is a cool age.

999
00:48:51,040 --> 00:48:54,200
Really a cool age
because as a father or mother

1000
00:48:54,280 --> 00:48:56,080
you put them to bed each night.

1001
00:48:56,160 --> 00:48:58,000
She can't fall asleep without you.

1002
00:48:58,080 --> 00:49:02,960
She and I have always had a ritual.

1003
00:49:03,480 --> 00:49:07,760
You know?
I put her to bed, then tell her stories.

1004
00:49:07,840 --> 00:49:11,240
Maybe I'll sing,
or sometimes we have a competition.

1005
00:49:11,760 --> 00:49:14,000
A simple battle, back and forth.

1006
00:49:14,080 --> 00:49:15,880
You may know this.

1007
00:49:15,960 --> 00:49:19,480
It goes like this,
"Dad, I love you as much as…"

1008
00:49:19,560 --> 00:49:22,160
She'll say something,
and I have to one-up her.

1009
00:49:22,240 --> 00:49:25,600
And she always thinks,
because she has no idea about life…

1010
00:49:25,680 --> 00:49:29,200
-[audience laughing]
-She thinks she can one-up me.

1011
00:49:29,280 --> 00:49:31,360
She thinks she's better than me.

1012
00:49:32,680 --> 00:49:35,120
You have no idea. You're the third kid.

1013
00:49:36,080 --> 00:49:39,120
You're the third kid.
My gun is fully loaded.

1014
00:49:39,840 --> 00:49:41,320
You know…

1015
00:49:41,400 --> 00:49:43,520
some people are veterans,
I'm a fatheran.

1016
00:49:44,160 --> 00:49:46,280
I can do anything. You can't win.

1017
00:49:46,360 --> 00:49:47,280
Forget it.

1018
00:49:47,360 --> 00:49:48,600
That's how I act.

1019
00:49:48,680 --> 00:49:50,280
Recently, I did it again.

1020
00:49:50,360 --> 00:49:53,280
I put her to bed
but was under time pressure.

1021
00:49:53,360 --> 00:49:56,560
You know when you're impatient
and you feel you have no time?

1022
00:49:56,640 --> 00:49:59,120
She felt it. Kids feel it right away.

1023
00:49:59,200 --> 00:50:02,000
She noticed,
"He has an appointment, another show."

1024
00:50:02,080 --> 00:50:03,760
"Let's keep him here longer."

1025
00:50:03,840 --> 00:50:05,360
"Let's keep him here."

1026
00:50:05,440 --> 00:50:06,920
Then she was like,

1027
00:50:07,000 --> 00:50:09,480
"Dad, can we play the game?"
"Yeah, okay."

1028
00:50:09,560 --> 00:50:10,920
She started like this…

1029
00:50:11,840 --> 00:50:17,160
"Uh, Dad, I love you as much as
there are stars in the sky."

1030
00:50:18,000 --> 00:50:19,000
[groans]

1031
00:50:20,360 --> 00:50:23,920
You know how many times I've heard that?
"Stars in the sky"?

1032
00:50:24,000 --> 00:50:26,880
I've heard it more
than a woman at the bar.

1033
00:50:26,960 --> 00:50:30,800
You know? At this moment,
I was like, "Something new, please."

1034
00:50:31,360 --> 00:50:33,360
You know, on the inside, I was…

1035
00:50:33,440 --> 00:50:36,240
I told her, "Oh, that's so much."

1036
00:50:36,320 --> 00:50:37,880
On the inside, I was like,

1037
00:50:37,960 --> 00:50:39,080
"That was lame!"

1038
00:50:39,600 --> 00:50:42,680
Garbage. Garbage line.
The worst I've ever heard.

1039
00:50:42,760 --> 00:50:45,560
I was a little disappointed, but I…

1040
00:50:45,640 --> 00:50:47,920
I was like, "That's so much."

1041
00:50:48,000 --> 00:50:53,960
"But I love you as much as
there are stars in the whole galaxy."

1042
00:50:54,040 --> 00:50:56,920
She was like,
"That has to be a ton, right?"

1043
00:50:57,000 --> 00:50:58,880
I was like, "Yeah." And she went on.

1044
00:50:58,960 --> 00:51:04,440
"Dad, I love you as much as
there are grains of sand in a sandbox."

1045
00:51:05,160 --> 00:51:06,120
I was like,

1046
00:51:06,640 --> 00:51:09,760
"Of all things, you pick a sandbox?
The smallest?"

1047
00:51:10,960 --> 00:51:13,160
"Dude, just pick… okay, whatever."

1048
00:51:13,240 --> 00:51:14,640
"Okay, that's so much."

1049
00:51:14,720 --> 00:51:19,720
"I love you as much as
there are grains of sand on the beach."

1050
00:51:19,800 --> 00:51:22,480
She's like, "Wow, that's so much, right?"

1051
00:51:22,560 --> 00:51:24,480
I was like, "Yeah, that's so much!"

1052
00:51:25,520 --> 00:51:27,400
Then she said, "I have one more."

1053
00:51:27,480 --> 00:51:29,000
"Dad, I love you as much

1054
00:51:29,080 --> 00:51:32,760
as there are grains of sand
on the beach and the ocean floor,

1055
00:51:32,840 --> 00:51:34,040
there's sand there too,

1056
00:51:34,120 --> 00:51:37,720
and in the desert in Saudi Arabia."

1057
00:51:37,800 --> 00:51:41,080
I was like, "Whoa, that's not bad."

1058
00:51:41,160 --> 00:51:43,200
But I didn't have any more time.

1059
00:51:43,280 --> 00:51:44,560
I had no more time.

1060
00:51:44,640 --> 00:51:47,400
I was like,
"Respect and whatnot, but I have to go."

1061
00:51:47,480 --> 00:51:51,400
"Respect, but I'll give her one last one
so she can finally sleep."

1062
00:51:51,480 --> 00:51:53,360
Not a death blow, but a…

1063
00:51:53,440 --> 00:51:57,040
but a sleeping blow. I'll give her a…

1064
00:51:57,120 --> 00:51:59,280
I'll give her a sleeping blow.

1065
00:51:59,360 --> 00:52:03,520
I was like,
"Hey, honey. I love you as much as…"

1066
00:52:03,600 --> 00:52:05,600
"I love you as much as

1067
00:52:06,200 --> 00:52:10,240
there are racists
in Germany again all of sudden."

1068
00:52:12,920 --> 00:52:14,920
[audience clapping]

1069
00:52:18,040 --> 00:52:19,160
And she was like,

1070
00:52:19,240 --> 00:52:21,360
"Really? That much, Dad?"

1071
00:52:22,200 --> 00:52:24,120
"Yeah, me too, Dad."

1072
00:52:24,200 --> 00:52:26,200
[imitates snoring]

1073
00:52:26,280 --> 00:52:28,040
Right to sleep.

1074
00:52:28,640 --> 00:52:30,560
I'm happy. I'm happy.

1075
00:52:30,640 --> 00:52:31,480
That's crazy.

1076
00:52:31,560 --> 00:52:35,600
I always associate the zoo with kids.

1077
00:52:35,680 --> 00:52:38,760
The last time I was at the zoo,
I went with my kids.

1078
00:52:38,840 --> 00:52:40,840
But the youngest wasn't born yet.

1079
00:52:40,920 --> 00:52:42,840
I only had two kids.

1080
00:52:42,920 --> 00:52:43,880
That's crazy.

1081
00:52:43,960 --> 00:52:46,920
The three of us went to the Cologne Zoo.

1082
00:52:47,000 --> 00:52:48,680
I don't know if you know,

1083
00:52:48,760 --> 00:52:53,080
but when you pay for three entrances fees
to the Cologne Zoo,

1084
00:52:53,160 --> 00:52:55,080
you're already in the red.

1085
00:52:55,160 --> 00:52:57,400
Everything is expensive inside too.

1086
00:52:57,480 --> 00:52:59,840
French fries for 5,000 euros.

1087
00:52:59,920 --> 00:53:02,560
Stuffed animal costs a million.
It's crazy expensive.

1088
00:53:02,640 --> 00:53:07,040
As we walk around, I turn
their heads away from all that stuff.

1089
00:53:07,120 --> 00:53:08,320
"Don't look."
"Why?"

1090
00:53:08,400 --> 00:53:10,680
-"It's haram. Just look…"
-[audience laughing]

1091
00:53:10,760 --> 00:53:13,080
"Just don't look there.
Look at the animals."

1092
00:53:13,160 --> 00:53:15,440
[audience clapping]

1093
00:53:18,040 --> 00:53:20,280
I'm like, "Look at the animals."

1094
00:53:20,360 --> 00:53:21,680
They look at the animals.

1095
00:53:21,760 --> 00:53:24,040
Meanwhile, I'm looking at the map.

1096
00:53:24,120 --> 00:53:27,320
I'm figuring out where we can go.
Not for the animals.

1097
00:53:27,400 --> 00:53:30,680
Instead…
You know the balloon guy at the zoo?

1098
00:53:31,520 --> 00:53:32,480
You know him?

1099
00:53:32,560 --> 00:53:35,120
There's a guy with a bazillion balloons.

1100
00:53:35,200 --> 00:53:36,720
All helium balloons.

1101
00:53:36,800 --> 00:53:39,000
And I hate this guy.

1102
00:53:39,080 --> 00:53:41,120
I hate him with all my heart.

1103
00:53:41,200 --> 00:53:43,560
Because one balloon costs six euros.

1104
00:53:44,160 --> 00:53:47,960
It's so much,
and once kids of a certain age see him,

1105
00:53:48,040 --> 00:53:50,440
they want one,
and I can't tell them no.

1106
00:53:50,520 --> 00:53:53,680
I know I can't say no,
and it'll be another six euros.

1107
00:53:53,760 --> 00:53:55,800
It's the sort of thing
that if you let go,

1108
00:53:55,880 --> 00:53:58,000
it floats into outer space,

1109
00:53:58,080 --> 00:54:00,760
and now your six euros are in space.

1110
00:54:00,840 --> 00:54:03,440
And then I'm like, "Okay."
And my plan is working.

1111
00:54:03,520 --> 00:54:04,600
We didn't see him.

1112
00:54:04,680 --> 00:54:07,840
And right at the end, there he stands.

1113
00:54:08,360 --> 00:54:09,840
Like a final boss.

1114
00:54:09,920 --> 00:54:13,560
He's standing there grinning at me.
It's a Stephen King movie.

1115
00:54:14,280 --> 00:54:17,840
With all the balloons,
grinning and looking nice, and I'm like,

1116
00:54:17,920 --> 00:54:21,240
-"I hate him. This bastard."
-[audience laughing]

1117
00:54:21,320 --> 00:54:23,040
My kids see him right away.

1118
00:54:23,120 --> 00:54:24,640
"Dad, balloons."
"No."

1119
00:54:24,720 --> 00:54:28,840
"Dad, please! One, please!
"Yeah, okay."

1120
00:54:29,560 --> 00:54:30,720
I hate him.

1121
00:54:30,800 --> 00:54:33,440
We go up to him, and I ask my son,

1122
00:54:33,520 --> 00:54:35,560
"Which one?"
"Bob the Builder."

1123
00:54:35,640 --> 00:54:37,600
"All right, one Bob the Builder."

1124
00:54:37,680 --> 00:54:39,120
So I take the cord

1125
00:54:39,760 --> 00:54:42,320
and tie a knot around his wrist.

1126
00:54:42,400 --> 00:54:44,400
So the six euros don't go to space.

1127
00:54:44,480 --> 00:54:46,800
So I tie a huge knot on his hand.

1128
00:54:46,880 --> 00:54:49,080
His hand's like… [imitates blood pumping]

1129
00:54:50,600 --> 00:54:53,480
Then I asked my daughter,
"And what do you want?"

1130
00:54:53,560 --> 00:54:55,560
"Barbie!"
"One Barbie, please."

1131
00:54:55,640 --> 00:54:57,880
I take it and go to tie a knot.

1132
00:54:57,960 --> 00:54:59,280
You have to understand

1133
00:54:59,360 --> 00:55:02,920
she is two years older,
and she wants to feel it.

1134
00:55:03,000 --> 00:55:06,440
She says, "I'm a big girl.
No need for a knot. I've got it."

1135
00:55:06,520 --> 00:55:09,520
"No, I'm tying a knot."
"No, I've got it. I swear."

1136
00:55:09,600 --> 00:55:11,400
"Okay, but hold it tight."

1137
00:55:11,480 --> 00:55:16,320
As soon as they have the balloons,
I become a general.

1138
00:55:16,400 --> 00:55:18,760
I'm constantly checking.
"Where are they?"

1139
00:55:18,840 --> 00:55:20,480
They say, "Here on my wrist."

1140
00:55:20,560 --> 00:55:23,000
"Hold it tight!"
[imitates crying] "Yes, Dad. I am."

1141
00:55:23,880 --> 00:55:25,680
I have just one mission.

1142
00:55:25,760 --> 00:55:28,560
The guy says, "12 euros."
I'm like, "Choke on it."

1143
00:55:29,800 --> 00:55:32,680
I have to get them
from the exit to the car

1144
00:55:32,760 --> 00:55:35,720
without anyone letting
six euros go to space.

1145
00:55:35,800 --> 00:55:38,560
That's my mission.
All I want is to get to the car.

1146
00:55:38,640 --> 00:55:43,200
We get to the car. Door open,
kid in, balloon in, door closed.

1147
00:55:43,280 --> 00:55:46,920
Now the other one. Door open,
kid in, balloon in, door closed.

1148
00:55:48,240 --> 00:55:50,080
[sighs heavily] Then I'm relaxed.

1149
00:55:50,160 --> 00:55:52,640
It's the only moment I'm relaxed.

1150
00:55:52,720 --> 00:55:55,720
I go to my door, get in and we drive off.

1151
00:55:55,800 --> 00:56:00,160
The whole way home, I'm thinking
about what a strange outing it was.

1152
00:56:00,240 --> 00:56:02,680
How much money I lost.

1153
00:56:02,760 --> 00:56:07,920
I'm adding it up, "A million to get in,
then balloons for 12 euros."

1154
00:56:08,000 --> 00:56:11,120
[angrily] "The lion wasn't even there.
Ain't that some shit?"

1155
00:56:11,960 --> 00:56:14,200
We eventually arrive.

1156
00:56:14,280 --> 00:56:16,080
I'm a general again.
"Where are they?"

1157
00:56:16,160 --> 00:56:17,240
"Here."
"Hold on."

1158
00:56:17,320 --> 00:56:19,280
[imitates crying] "Yes, Dad.
I'm holding it."

1159
00:56:19,360 --> 00:56:22,120
My son is like… [exclaiming]
He's proud. He has a knot.

1160
00:56:22,200 --> 00:56:23,440
I say, "Okay, good."

1161
00:56:23,520 --> 00:56:27,160
I go inside. My son goes in.
The balloon goes in.

1162
00:56:27,240 --> 00:56:29,920
My daughter comes super slow.
"I'm holding it tight!"

1163
00:56:30,000 --> 00:56:32,120
Then, all of a sudden, she lets go.

1164
00:56:33,080 --> 00:56:34,920
One meter in front of the door.

1165
00:56:35,000 --> 00:56:37,120
[imitates crying] "Dad, my balloon!"

1166
00:56:37,200 --> 00:56:39,520
"Dad, I'm sorry!"

1167
00:56:39,600 --> 00:56:41,400
"My balloon!"

1168
00:56:41,480 --> 00:56:43,720
My son is like… [exclaiming]

1169
00:56:44,440 --> 00:56:46,440
-[exclaiming]
-[audience clapping]

1170
00:56:49,480 --> 00:56:50,720
I'm like, "Okay, good."

1171
00:56:51,440 --> 00:56:54,120
He's still happy,
but she won't stop crying.

1172
00:56:54,200 --> 00:56:55,760
He can't take it.

1173
00:56:55,840 --> 00:56:56,840
His heart is so big.

1174
00:56:56,920 --> 00:56:59,320
He can't take it
when his sister is crying.

1175
00:56:59,400 --> 00:57:00,760
At some point he was like,

1176
00:57:00,840 --> 00:57:02,560
"Then take mine!"

1177
00:57:03,440 --> 00:57:06,000
I was like,
"Crazy! What a heart on this kid!"

1178
00:57:06,080 --> 00:57:09,200
"What a great guy.
I want to be like him. Let's trade."

1179
00:57:10,040 --> 00:57:11,920
"Really. Awesome guy."

1180
00:57:12,000 --> 00:57:13,160
And she's like…

1181
00:57:13,240 --> 00:57:16,320
-[imitates crying] "No, that one's ugly."
-[audience laughing]

1182
00:57:16,400 --> 00:57:18,840
I'm like, "What kind person are you?"
[laughs]

1183
00:57:18,920 --> 00:57:22,040
I can't get mad at her.
She's crying. It's hard for me too.

1184
00:57:22,120 --> 00:57:25,520
I can't calm her down.
My son can't calm her down.

1185
00:57:25,600 --> 00:57:28,560
Eventually, my son can't take it anymore.
He goes,

1186
00:57:29,640 --> 00:57:32,520
"Then I don't want mine anymore either!"

1187
00:57:34,320 --> 00:57:37,120
And just throws it up into space.

1188
00:57:37,200 --> 00:57:40,440
I'm standing there saying,
"12 euros into space!"

1189
00:57:41,240 --> 00:57:43,760
"Are you two kidding me, dude?"

1190
00:57:44,520 --> 00:57:46,640
No, for real. For real.

1191
00:57:46,720 --> 00:57:49,200
This really happened. True story.

1192
00:57:49,280 --> 00:57:51,320
When you see your son do that,

1193
00:57:51,400 --> 00:57:52,520
he did that,

1194
00:57:52,600 --> 00:57:54,960
as a father, you're touched.

1195
00:57:55,040 --> 00:57:57,560
All of a sudden, I teared up myself.

1196
00:57:57,640 --> 00:57:59,000
I start crying too.

1197
00:57:59,520 --> 00:58:03,760
My son slowly realizes
he'll never see Bob the Builder again.

1198
00:58:04,840 --> 00:58:06,760
He starts to cry.

1199
00:58:06,840 --> 00:58:09,600
Three people are crying after one outing.

1200
00:58:09,680 --> 00:58:14,080
[imitates all crying] Everyone's crying.
I was like, "Was it a nice outing?"

1201
00:58:14,160 --> 00:58:15,840
"Yes, Dad."

1202
00:58:15,920 --> 00:58:19,600
"Should we go back to the zoo?"
"Yes, Dad."

1203
00:58:20,680 --> 00:58:22,440
We never went back.

1204
00:58:22,520 --> 00:58:25,160
Never. I'm never going back.

1205
00:58:25,240 --> 00:58:26,200
That's me.

1206
00:58:26,280 --> 00:58:29,840
I don't know about you,
but I've thought about it.

1207
00:58:30,440 --> 00:58:31,640
Never again.

1208
00:58:31,720 --> 00:58:32,800
Hey, Cologne.

1209
00:58:32,880 --> 00:58:35,000
Thank you. My name is Ususmango.

1210
00:58:35,080 --> 00:58:36,520
RebellComedy! Peace!

1211
00:58:36,600 --> 00:58:39,000
-[audience clapping]
-[hip-hop theme playing]

1212
00:58:41,880 --> 00:58:45,520
Ladies and gentlemen, put your hands
together for the RebellComedy legend,

1213
00:58:45,600 --> 00:58:47,440
Benaissa Lamroubal!

1214
00:58:47,520 --> 00:58:50,520
-[hip-hop theme playing]
-[audience cheering]

1215
00:59:02,920 --> 00:59:05,480
-[audience clapping]
-Oh! Hey!

1216
00:59:06,480 --> 00:59:07,640
Thank you!

1217
00:59:07,720 --> 00:59:09,200
Thanks. Awesome!

1218
00:59:09,280 --> 00:59:12,080
This is so good. It's so good. For real.

1219
00:59:12,160 --> 00:59:17,080
In these times, you're just happy
to perform in front of people. You know?

1220
00:59:17,680 --> 00:59:20,160
My last show was in front of cars.

1221
00:59:21,800 --> 00:59:25,880
-My take-away was, don't talk to cars.
-[audience laughing]

1222
00:59:25,960 --> 00:59:27,840
Unless your name is Michael Knight.

1223
00:59:27,920 --> 00:59:29,240
Otherwise, forget it.

1224
00:59:29,320 --> 00:59:31,120
You shouldn't talk to cars.

1225
00:59:31,200 --> 00:59:34,560
It was a drive-up cinema event.
I think it was really cool for them.

1226
00:59:34,640 --> 00:59:35,920
They wanted to see a film,

1227
00:59:36,000 --> 00:59:39,080
but they saw
The Confused Comedian, in theaters now.

1228
00:59:39,640 --> 00:59:42,560
It was a disaster for me. I was confused.

1229
00:59:42,640 --> 00:59:45,280
You can't talk to cars.

1230
00:59:45,360 --> 00:59:46,960
They want to talk, of course,

1231
00:59:47,040 --> 00:59:49,600
but I didn't understand
what they wanted from me.

1232
00:59:49,680 --> 00:59:52,760
You know how they clapped?

1233
00:59:52,840 --> 00:59:55,360
-[audience member imitates horn]
-Right, they honked!

1234
00:59:55,440 --> 00:59:56,480
They honked.

1235
00:59:56,560 --> 00:59:58,320
And I told jokes on stage.

1236
00:59:58,400 --> 01:00:01,040
They had to laugh.
You know how they laughed?

1237
01:00:01,120 --> 01:00:03,600
-[man mutters]
-Exactly, they honked for that too.

1238
01:00:04,640 --> 01:00:08,040
There were parts of my set
they didn't like. They wanted to boo.

1239
01:00:08,120 --> 01:00:09,000
You know how?

1240
01:00:09,080 --> 01:00:11,360
-[man mutters]
-Right, they honked.

1241
01:00:12,440 --> 01:00:16,200
Ten minutes later,
I didn't know if they liked it or not.

1242
01:00:16,280 --> 01:00:18,880
-[audience laughing]
-It's definitely crazy.

1243
01:00:19,680 --> 01:00:21,880
Communicating through horns.

1244
01:00:21,960 --> 01:00:24,240
Laughter just
can't be replaced by a honk.

1245
01:00:24,320 --> 01:00:28,080
Laughter is
one of the most beautiful sounds.

1246
01:00:28,160 --> 01:00:29,840
[imitates laughing] So beautiful.

1247
01:00:30,520 --> 01:00:32,960
Yeah! [imitates laughing]

1248
01:00:33,040 --> 01:00:35,840
-Versus… [imitates horn honking]
-[audience laughing]

1249
01:00:35,920 --> 01:00:37,160
It's a warning signal.

1250
01:00:37,240 --> 01:00:39,120
I get scared when I hear it.

1251
01:00:39,200 --> 01:00:42,440
It's not a good reaction to a joke.
It doesn't work.

1252
01:00:42,520 --> 01:00:44,360
"Hey! You ever heard this one?"

1253
01:00:45,080 --> 01:00:46,960
"What does the Pole do on the ice?"

1254
01:00:47,040 --> 01:00:49,000
"He breaks in!"

1255
01:00:50,040 --> 01:00:51,160
[imitates horn honking]

1256
01:00:53,520 --> 01:00:54,760
That doesn't work.

1257
01:00:54,840 --> 01:00:57,320
I have to say
it depends on the joke a bit.

1258
01:00:57,400 --> 01:01:01,480
For the joke to work,
there have to be Poles in the audience.

1259
01:01:02,040 --> 01:01:04,600
But with Poles there,
there won't be any honking.

1260
01:01:06,560 --> 01:01:09,480
To be exact, there won't be any cars.

1261
01:01:09,560 --> 01:01:11,600
[audience applauding]

1262
01:01:11,680 --> 01:01:14,760
Cheap stereotype. You like that?

1263
01:01:14,840 --> 01:01:15,800
You love that.

1264
01:01:15,880 --> 01:01:18,560
Me too. It's okay.
We love these stereotypes.

1265
01:01:18,640 --> 01:01:22,000
But they're not true.
I know thousands of Poles. None steal.

1266
01:01:22,600 --> 01:01:25,400
But we want to hear, "The Pole steals."

1267
01:01:25,480 --> 01:01:28,920
We want to hear,
"The Arab has a big beard and four wives."

1268
01:01:29,000 --> 01:01:31,920
We want to hear, "The Albanian works
on the construction site."

1269
01:01:32,920 --> 01:01:34,000
We want to hear that.

1270
01:01:34,080 --> 01:01:36,280
It may not be true, but we want it.

1271
01:01:36,360 --> 01:01:40,320
We're people. We want categories.
"Make it easy for us."

1272
01:01:40,400 --> 01:01:43,240
That's what we want.
That's why we go to the zoo.

1273
01:01:43,320 --> 01:01:46,640
We want to see the animals
at the zoo as we like them.

1274
01:01:46,720 --> 01:01:48,400
We want to see the lion.

1275
01:01:48,480 --> 01:01:51,000
Why? The lion is the king.

1276
01:01:51,080 --> 01:01:53,560
Because he has a mane
that looks like a crown.

1277
01:01:53,640 --> 01:01:55,640
He's the king of the jungle.

1278
01:01:55,720 --> 01:01:58,240
Dude, he lives in the savanna,
not the jungle.

1279
01:01:58,960 --> 01:02:00,280
What does he do?

1280
01:02:00,360 --> 01:02:04,440
He sits on his ass all day with a mane,
a huge beard and four wives.

1281
01:02:04,520 --> 01:02:06,480
He's more Arab than the Arab.

1282
01:02:08,760 --> 01:02:10,760
[audience applauding]

1283
01:02:12,240 --> 01:02:14,520
The lion is not the king.

1284
01:02:15,040 --> 01:02:18,800
In the jungle, the gorilla is the king.
Look at the gorilla, dude!

1285
01:02:18,880 --> 01:02:21,640
[growling] Such a monster!
Muscles all over!

1286
01:02:21,720 --> 01:02:25,640
This is the king.
He's King Kong. That's the king.

1287
01:02:25,720 --> 01:02:27,960
The gorilla wipes his ass with lion.

1288
01:02:28,760 --> 01:02:30,000
Fucking hell.

1289
01:02:30,080 --> 01:02:32,360
"Bring your mane over here, boy!"

1290
01:02:32,880 --> 01:02:36,600
Crazy. The gorilla, dude…
a silverback gorilla…

1291
01:02:36,680 --> 01:02:38,160
Look at that thing. [exclaiming]

1292
01:02:38,240 --> 01:02:41,840
Such a monster. Muscles all over.
Everyone is scared of him.

1293
01:02:41,920 --> 01:02:43,240
Have you seen King Kong?

1294
01:02:43,320 --> 01:02:45,840
Everyone's scared
the gorilla will eat them.

1295
01:02:45,920 --> 01:02:47,040
Another stereotype.

1296
01:02:48,000 --> 01:02:51,280
Do gorillas go around eating people?
They're nice guys.

1297
01:02:52,160 --> 01:02:53,320
They're vegans.

1298
01:02:53,880 --> 01:02:56,160
-[audience laughing]
-We don't want to see it!

1299
01:02:56,240 --> 01:03:00,240
We want stereotypes.
We want to see the monkeys in the zoo.

1300
01:03:00,320 --> 01:03:01,640
But monkeys in the zoo

1301
01:03:01,720 --> 01:03:04,880
have nothing to do
with real monkeys in the jungle.

1302
01:03:04,960 --> 01:03:08,080
These ones live at the zoo.
They have a heating system.

1303
01:03:09,120 --> 01:03:12,800
They get food, medicine.
They live off welfare.

1304
01:03:14,160 --> 01:03:16,400
-They have nothing.
-[audience clapping]

1305
01:03:23,760 --> 01:03:26,440
They have nothing to do with real monkeys.

1306
01:03:26,520 --> 01:03:30,360
It's all in our head,
but we want to see the monkeys in the zoo.

1307
01:03:30,440 --> 01:03:31,920
What do we want to see?

1308
01:03:32,000 --> 01:03:33,760
Them eating a banana.

1309
01:03:34,600 --> 01:03:35,680
Yeah.

1310
01:03:35,760 --> 01:03:39,800
Do you know how few monkeys
have ever eaten a banana?

1311
01:03:40,320 --> 01:03:43,400
Monkeys are almost like East Germans.

1312
01:03:44,360 --> 01:03:47,280
Bananas are so scarce,
they don't know about them.

1313
01:03:47,360 --> 01:03:50,440
We really think
the monkey wants to eat the banana.

1314
01:03:50,520 --> 01:03:54,520
We also get this wrong,
we think monkeys eat bananas like this.

1315
01:03:55,680 --> 01:03:57,280
[audience laughing]

1316
01:03:58,640 --> 01:03:59,880
Never!

1317
01:03:59,960 --> 01:04:02,480
When he gets a banana,
he bites it like this.

1318
01:04:04,320 --> 01:04:06,360
It's all in our minds. Really.

1319
01:04:06,440 --> 01:04:08,080
It's exactly the same for people.

1320
01:04:08,640 --> 01:04:12,680
We represent something from
our home country or our parents' country,

1321
01:04:12,760 --> 01:04:14,280
but we're different.

1322
01:04:14,360 --> 01:04:16,480
I'm not a Moroccan.

1323
01:04:17,080 --> 01:04:18,760
I'm a zoo Moroccan.

1324
01:04:19,680 --> 01:04:22,920
I'm representing something I barely know.

1325
01:04:23,000 --> 01:04:25,720
I talk about Morocco
and Moroccans so much.

1326
01:04:25,800 --> 01:04:29,120
There are Germans
who know more about Morocco than I do.

1327
01:04:29,640 --> 01:04:32,600
If a real Moroccan saw my set, he'd say,

1328
01:04:32,680 --> 01:04:36,600
"I've never seen
anything like that in my life."

1329
01:04:36,680 --> 01:04:37,600
Okay, he'd say,

1330
01:04:37,680 --> 01:04:40,080
[in funny voice] "I've never seen anything

1331
01:04:40,800 --> 01:04:43,040
like that in my life!"

1332
01:04:43,880 --> 01:04:46,520
-[audience applauding]
-[exclaims]

1333
01:04:49,280 --> 01:04:51,800
We need these stereotypes.

1334
01:04:52,320 --> 01:04:55,360
So I'd rather pull them out.
Here's one for you.

1335
01:04:55,440 --> 01:04:59,840
I was in an Italian restaurant
with one of my best friends.

1336
01:04:59,920 --> 01:05:00,840
He's German.

1337
01:05:01,360 --> 01:05:04,240
The German and I
go to an Italian restaurant,

1338
01:05:04,320 --> 01:05:07,960
and after five minutes,
I notice the server is Moroccan.

1339
01:05:08,040 --> 01:05:09,760
Because of his French accent.

1340
01:05:10,560 --> 01:05:12,280
So I thought…

1341
01:05:12,360 --> 01:05:14,640
His German wasn't very good.

1342
01:05:14,720 --> 01:05:16,320
But I thought,

1343
01:05:16,400 --> 01:05:19,640
"This would be easier in Moroccan,
but it would ruin everything."

1344
01:05:19,720 --> 01:05:22,320
Because if I start talking
to him in Moroccan,

1345
01:05:22,400 --> 01:05:26,760
my German friend will feel excluded,
we'd have our Moroccan thing going,

1346
01:05:26,840 --> 01:05:30,440
the other guests would realize
that they aren't actually Italian.

1347
01:05:31,440 --> 01:05:33,560
Suddenly, the macaroni become Moroccani.

1348
01:05:34,640 --> 01:05:37,200
I didn't want that to happen,
so I stuck to German.

1349
01:05:37,280 --> 01:05:40,440
The problem was I ordered salad.

1350
01:05:40,520 --> 01:05:45,240
I found little pieces
of plastic wrap in the iceberg lettuce.

1351
01:05:46,080 --> 01:05:50,560
Some packaging
was probably left in the iceberg lettuce.

1352
01:05:51,080 --> 01:05:54,560
I was like,
"Hey, look. There's plastic wrap in here."

1353
01:05:54,640 --> 01:05:56,320
"Can you take it away?"

1354
01:05:56,400 --> 01:05:58,400
He just picks it out and goes to leave.

1355
01:05:59,720 --> 01:06:01,440
I was like, "Yep, he's Moroccan."

1356
01:06:01,520 --> 01:06:03,040
[audience laughing]

1357
01:06:03,120 --> 01:06:05,440
I was like,
"Brother, please take it with you."

1358
01:06:05,520 --> 01:06:09,320
"There's plastic in there.
I can't eat that. I could get sick."

1359
01:06:09,400 --> 01:06:13,360
And I think he wanted to say,
"No, you won't get sick."

1360
01:06:13,440 --> 01:06:17,160
But what came out of his mouth was,
"No, you suck my dick."

1361
01:06:18,960 --> 01:06:21,080
-[laughs]
-[audience applauding]

1362
01:06:25,240 --> 01:06:26,240
I said, "Brother,

1363
01:06:26,320 --> 01:06:28,520
you probably meant,
'It won't make you sick.'"

1364
01:06:28,600 --> 01:06:32,680
He said, "No, you heard right.
Suck my dick and go fuck yourself!"

1365
01:06:34,120 --> 01:06:35,200
No way.

1366
01:06:37,080 --> 01:06:40,240
As I was saying, I'm a zoo Moroccan.

1367
01:06:40,760 --> 01:06:42,280
I was on a soccer team.

1368
01:06:42,360 --> 01:06:45,760
If you've been on an actual team,
you know you're a zoo Moroccan.

1369
01:06:45,840 --> 01:06:50,360
Real Moroccans in Morocco
play barefoot on the street.

1370
01:06:50,440 --> 01:06:51,440
Great players.

1371
01:06:51,520 --> 01:06:54,960
I have two cousins who are great.
They played barefoot on the street.

1372
01:06:55,040 --> 01:06:58,080
They would each have been
on the German national team.

1373
01:06:58,160 --> 01:07:02,920
In Germany, I was
a second-string player on BV Weckhoven.

1374
01:07:03,000 --> 01:07:04,840
I was the worst player ever.

1375
01:07:04,920 --> 01:07:07,760
I wasn't allowed to play
soccer with my cousins.

1376
01:07:07,840 --> 01:07:10,280
My father said, "No, you're too soft."

1377
01:07:10,880 --> 01:07:12,040
"They play barefoot."

1378
01:07:12,120 --> 01:07:15,800
"You need cleats, socks, and shin guards."

1379
01:07:15,880 --> 01:07:17,240
"You need all that."

1380
01:07:17,960 --> 01:07:20,600
"Don't play with them. Play by yourself."

1381
01:07:21,320 --> 01:07:24,680
I played soccer in Germany.

1382
01:07:24,760 --> 01:07:28,400
I was too organized for Moroccans

1383
01:07:28,480 --> 01:07:30,640
and too unorganized for Germans.

1384
01:07:30,720 --> 01:07:32,840
So, German soccer clubs…

1385
01:07:32,920 --> 01:07:35,280
I know a lot of you have been in one.

1386
01:07:35,360 --> 01:07:38,160
Every Saturday or Sunday, you have a game.

1387
01:07:38,240 --> 01:07:43,480
After the game,
someone new brings the jerseys home,

1388
01:07:43,560 --> 01:07:46,440
washes them
and brings them to the next game.

1389
01:07:46,520 --> 01:07:48,360
When it was my turn, disaster.

1390
01:07:49,360 --> 01:07:53,800
We had huge bag,
and we put all the jerseys in there.

1391
01:07:53,880 --> 01:07:55,560
I took the bag home.

1392
01:07:55,640 --> 01:07:58,400
I took my time.
The next game was in seven days.

1393
01:07:58,480 --> 01:08:02,240
I leave the bag in the corner.
Two days before the game, I think,

1394
01:08:02,320 --> 01:08:04,040
"I have to wash the jerseys."

1395
01:08:04,120 --> 01:08:06,880
I looked for the bag. It's gone.
"Where is it?"

1396
01:08:06,960 --> 01:08:08,080
On top of the cabinet.

1397
01:08:08,160 --> 01:08:10,240
My father had packed it
to send it to Morocco.

1398
01:08:11,520 --> 01:08:13,120
I'm like, "Where's my stuff?"

1399
01:08:13,200 --> 01:08:14,640
Now I have to find it all.

1400
01:08:14,720 --> 01:08:18,240
I see my brother on the street.
He has a goalie jersey on.

1401
01:08:19,640 --> 01:08:23,280
His best friend is wearing
Number Ten from BV Weckhoven.

1402
01:08:23,920 --> 01:08:27,120
-I'm like, "Shit! What is this?"
-[audience applauding]

1403
01:08:31,280 --> 01:08:32,720
Today is game day.

1404
01:08:32,800 --> 01:08:35,000
I scrape it all together and wash it.

1405
01:08:35,080 --> 01:08:38,400
We have a mountain of laundry.
Five kids, endless laundry.

1406
01:08:38,480 --> 01:08:41,120
I have to get them clean.
I try to get them clean.

1407
01:08:41,200 --> 01:08:43,760
Put them in the bag. Go to the club.

1408
01:08:43,840 --> 01:08:46,200
They're waiting for me.
Game's about to start.

1409
01:08:46,280 --> 01:08:48,560
I toss the bag in the middle. Open it.

1410
01:08:48,640 --> 01:08:50,640
Nothing's folded. Everything thrown in.

1411
01:08:50,720 --> 01:08:55,320
The goalie jersey is still missing.
My dad's sports coat is there instead.

1412
01:08:55,400 --> 01:08:56,880
[audience laughing]

1413
01:08:56,960 --> 01:08:57,840
It was…

1414
01:08:57,920 --> 01:08:59,960
-[audience cheering]
-I swear.

1415
01:09:02,040 --> 01:09:05,440
It was the worst game ever.
The worst ever!

1416
01:09:05,520 --> 01:09:09,000
We won the game,
but do you know how it looked?

1417
01:09:09,080 --> 01:09:11,200
Our goalie was like this
with my dad's sports coat.

1418
01:09:11,280 --> 01:09:13,280
[audience laughing and clapping]

1419
01:09:14,360 --> 01:09:15,200
Eh!

1420
01:09:18,360 --> 01:09:20,520
Number Ten was wearing a djellaba.

1421
01:09:22,000 --> 01:09:25,800
We won ten to zero
because they were scared of our goalie.

1422
01:09:25,880 --> 01:09:28,160
They thought it was an adult.

1423
01:09:28,240 --> 01:09:29,160
They were scared.

1424
01:09:29,720 --> 01:09:33,600
-Hey, my name is Benaissa Lamroubal.
-[audience applauding]

1425
01:09:33,680 --> 01:09:36,320
[hip-hop theme playing]

1426
01:09:36,400 --> 01:09:38,920
[host] Ladies and gentlemen,

1427
01:09:39,000 --> 01:09:42,680
let's hear it for the RebellComedy
co-founder, Babak Ghassim!

1428
01:09:42,760 --> 01:09:46,240
-[hip-hop theme continues]
-[audience cheering]

1429
01:09:51,640 --> 01:09:52,680
What's up?

1430
01:09:52,760 --> 01:09:55,440
-[music fading]
-[audience quieting]

1431
01:10:06,520 --> 01:10:09,000
[reciting] ♪ Welcome to the zoo ♪

1432
01:10:10,320 --> 01:10:11,560
♪ I know the enclosure ♪

1433
01:10:11,640 --> 01:10:13,160
♪ I know what you see ♪

1434
01:10:13,720 --> 01:10:15,120
♪ Sinti and Roma beg ♪

1435
01:10:15,200 --> 01:10:16,400
♪ Refugees bum money ♪

1436
01:10:16,480 --> 01:10:18,400
♪ Poles steal in the zoo ♪

1437
01:10:18,480 --> 01:10:19,600
♪ Chinese counterfeit ♪

1438
01:10:19,680 --> 01:10:20,800
♪ Arabs haggle ♪

1439
01:10:20,880 --> 01:10:22,600
♪ Blacks loud in the zoo ♪

1440
01:10:22,680 --> 01:10:24,320
♪ Wild in the zoo ♪

1441
01:10:24,400 --> 01:10:25,600
♪ Gray in the zoo ♪

1442
01:10:25,680 --> 01:10:29,120
♪ Germans extremely precise in the zoo ♪

1443
01:10:29,200 --> 01:10:30,600
♪ Albanians stab ♪

1444
01:10:30,680 --> 01:10:33,120
♪ Turks, however, speak good German ♪

1445
01:10:33,200 --> 01:10:35,360
♪ Greeks lazy in the zoo ♪

1446
01:10:35,440 --> 01:10:36,840
♪ Raw the zoo ♪

1447
01:10:36,920 --> 01:10:38,960
♪ Headscarf, no problem ♪

1448
01:10:39,040 --> 01:10:42,040
♪ As long as
It's on the cleaning lady in the zoo ♪

1449
01:10:42,920 --> 01:10:44,320
♪ I know the zoo ♪

1450
01:10:45,040 --> 01:10:46,840
♪ Know magic in the zoo ♪

1451
01:10:48,160 --> 01:10:50,480
♪ Guiding culture, an individual case ♪

1452
01:10:51,000 --> 01:10:52,880
♪ Plural becomes singular in the zoo ♪

1453
01:10:53,640 --> 01:10:55,800
♪ Representative of your kind ♪

1454
01:10:55,880 --> 01:10:57,720
♪ Singular becomes plural in the zoo ♪

1455
01:10:58,400 --> 01:11:01,080
♪ Signs all over the zoo ♪

1456
01:11:01,160 --> 01:11:03,200
♪ Telling you who you are ♪

1457
01:11:03,720 --> 01:11:05,640
♪ Huge expectations ♪

1458
01:11:05,720 --> 01:11:07,120
♪ Short silence ♪

1459
01:11:07,200 --> 01:11:08,400
♪ If you break it ♪

1460
01:11:10,200 --> 01:11:12,040
♪ The burden to have to break it ♪

1461
01:11:12,120 --> 01:11:13,440
♪ To be observed ♪

1462
01:11:13,520 --> 01:11:14,880
♪ To observe yourself ♪

1463
01:11:14,960 --> 01:11:17,360
♪ To become your own zookeeper
In the zoo ♪

1464
01:11:17,440 --> 01:11:19,440
♪ The trained desert person show ♪

1465
01:11:19,520 --> 01:11:21,720
♪ I know what you see in the zoo ♪

1466
01:11:24,000 --> 01:11:25,120
♪ I am ♪

1467
01:11:25,680 --> 01:11:27,040
♪ What you don't see ♪

1468
01:11:27,560 --> 01:11:30,680
♪ The ground you walk on in the zoo ♪

1469
01:11:31,320 --> 01:11:34,600
♪ I am earth, mud, stone ♪

1470
01:11:34,680 --> 01:11:37,160
♪ The dream people of the dead here ♪

1471
01:11:37,680 --> 01:11:39,120
♪ Guest worker ♪

1472
01:11:39,200 --> 01:11:40,400
♪ Outsider ♪

1473
01:11:40,480 --> 01:11:41,480
♪ Victim in me ♪

1474
01:11:42,120 --> 01:11:44,280
♪ Solingen, Halle, Hanau ♪

1475
01:11:44,360 --> 01:11:46,320
♪ Hülya, Jana, Hamza ♪

1476
01:11:46,400 --> 01:11:49,920
♪ Combined with
Goethe, Bach, Adenauer here ♪

1477
01:11:50,000 --> 01:11:51,720
♪ All integrated ♪

1478
01:11:52,560 --> 01:11:54,320
♪ Truly integrated ♪

1479
01:11:54,840 --> 01:11:57,400
♪ Integrated without discussion ♪

1480
01:11:57,480 --> 01:11:59,440
♪ All integrated equally ♪

1481
01:11:59,520 --> 01:12:02,920
♪ Integrated by bacteria and fungi ♪

1482
01:12:03,000 --> 01:12:05,240
♪ Integrated in me and ♪

1483
01:12:06,720 --> 01:12:08,760
♪ Integrated me ♪

1484
01:12:10,040 --> 01:12:12,000
♪ My roots, their ancestors ♪

1485
01:12:12,520 --> 01:12:14,680
♪ My furrows, their scars ♪

1486
01:12:14,760 --> 01:12:17,160
♪ My voice, their languages ♪

1487
01:12:17,240 --> 01:12:18,560
♪ The language of the many ♪

1488
01:12:18,640 --> 01:12:20,080
♪ The voice of the streets ♪

1489
01:12:20,600 --> 01:12:23,040
♪ Being me means being them ♪

1490
01:12:23,120 --> 01:12:26,000
♪ 70 years is too late to abort ♪

1491
01:12:26,080 --> 01:12:27,200
♪ The seed shoots ♪

1492
01:12:27,280 --> 01:12:29,200
♪ Look, they bloom in all colors ♪

1493
01:12:29,280 --> 01:12:30,960
♪ They play or fight ♪

1494
01:12:31,040 --> 01:12:32,520
♪ Or love each other ♪

1495
01:12:32,600 --> 01:12:34,520
♪ But everything that comes from me ♪

1496
01:12:34,600 --> 01:12:36,200
♪ Is diverse ♪

1497
01:12:37,080 --> 01:12:39,960
♪ I am German earth ♪

1498
01:12:41,480 --> 01:12:43,000
♪ And I lay beneath you ♪

1499
01:12:44,960 --> 01:12:46,880
♪ Your steps are muffled ♪

1500
01:12:46,960 --> 01:12:48,280
♪ Far away ♪

1501
01:12:48,360 --> 01:12:50,200
♪ As if from a different time ♪

1502
01:12:50,880 --> 01:12:51,920
♪ Don't forget ♪

1503
01:12:52,440 --> 01:12:54,560
♪ When you walk over me ♪

1504
01:12:54,640 --> 01:12:56,120
♪ With each step ♪

1505
01:12:56,720 --> 01:12:59,240
♪ You place a foot on my ground ♪

1506
01:13:00,240 --> 01:13:01,400
♪ And it holds firm ♪

1507
01:13:03,160 --> 01:13:06,160
-[audience cheering]
-[hip-hop theme playing]

1508
01:13:25,640 --> 01:13:27,760
DJ Wati, ladies and gentlemen!

1509
01:13:27,840 --> 01:13:29,840
[hip-hop theme continues]

1510
01:13:30,800 --> 01:13:34,440
That's it! Thanks for coming out!
RebellComedy! Peace!

1511
01:13:34,520 --> 01:13:36,520
[hip-hop theme continues]

1512
01:13:38,840 --> 01:13:40,840
[hip-hop theme continues]

1513
01:14:03,360 --> 01:14:06,360
Subtitle translation by: