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Downloaded from
YTS.MX

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‎NETFLIX 原創喜劇特輯

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Official YIFY movies site:
YTS.MX

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‎（動物園）

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‎各位來賓，讓我們歡迎哈立德邦華！

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‎DJ瓦帝，好樣的！

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‎超讚！

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‎大家好，我們總算又能表演了

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‎回到這裡的感覺真好，超讚的

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‎好離譜，老哥！

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‎這個新冠肺炎搞死我們了

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‎新冠肺炎最嚴重時真是有夠扯

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‎整天都跟家人膩在一起

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‎我超痛苦的，48個人擠一個房間

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‎都是兄弟姐妹，超痛苦的

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‎而且我朋友全都
‎同時打電話問候，每天的

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‎大家都閒閒沒事幹

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‎所以都每天打給我

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‎但不是一般電話，是視訊電話

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‎我們突然打通訊軟體的群組視訊電話

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‎一個人用視訊電話打給所有人

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‎別以為他們打來問你好不好，錯了！

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‎我的沙漠同胞一打來就問我這件事

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‎“兄弟，你需要口罩嗎？”

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‎他們想賣口罩給我

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‎連醫院和藥房都沒口罩

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‎但我的沙漠朋友卻有口罩

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‎他們都有口罩，而且很便宜

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‎他們是真正的專家，還會跟你講價

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‎說真的

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‎今天在座的各位現在都是口罩專家了

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‎我們現在超懂口罩的

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‎市面上有哪些，名稱是什麼

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‎一年前我們什麼都不懂

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‎現在知道了，有FFP2，還分有無濾網

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‎有KN95口罩、外科手術口罩

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‎重複使用型口罩、拋棄式口罩

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‎棉口罩、聚脂纖維口罩
‎合成材料口罩

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‎只能用70度水清洗的口罩
‎不騙你，只能用70度水！

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‎不多不少

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‎如果在烘乾機裡縮水，算你倒楣

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‎可以拿來幫蛋蛋保溫

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‎我們現在成了口罩達人

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‎我們現在是口罩專家了

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‎說到這個

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‎如果有人需要口罩
‎我演出後會在大門等候

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‎優質口罩，半價優惠，真心為你

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‎這次很榮幸能來科隆表演

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‎感覺很棒

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‎說真的，我喜歡科隆
‎可是這裡的火車站很爛

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‎我今天到那邊

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‎有人在很遠的地方跟我打招呼

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‎他不叫我的名字

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‎只是用眉毛跟我打招呼
‎懂我意思嗎？像這樣…

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‎就這樣，我很有禮貌
‎所以回禮，像這樣…

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‎所以我們用眉毛聊天，他說…

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‎我說…

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‎貨真價實的對話

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‎問題是我能從別人的表情

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‎知道對方是看電視認識我

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‎還是真的認識我本人

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‎他的表情說

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‎“我認識你本人”

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‎可是我不知道他是誰，真的

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‎我不知道在哪裡認識他
‎又不好意思問

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‎如果問他怎麼認識我

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‎結果我們在校六年都坐旁邊

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‎這樣超丟臉的

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‎所以我沒問

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‎我在想的時候，他朝我走近一步

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‎我們的眉毛還在這裡對話

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‎我朝他走近一步，心裡想

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‎“幹！我怎麼認識他的？
‎搞不好他是我親戚”

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‎我的家族成員超多

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‎他越靠越近，我心裡想

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‎“我怎麼認識他的？”

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‎後來他伸出手來，我也是

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‎我們的眉毛還在上面

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‎我們彼此笑了一下，我想

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‎“我怎麼認識他的？”
‎搞不好他是我的哥哥或弟弟

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‎我的兄弟姐妹太多
‎有時還得上網查名字

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‎我們握手，我心想：“這傢伙是誰？”

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‎最後我把手收回來

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‎發現手上有20歐元

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‎我心想：“啥？”
‎他說：“我以為你在賣東西”

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‎重點是我的確有賣他東西

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‎但我還是不知道他是誰

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‎說到這個

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‎如果有人需要大麻
‎表演結束後我會在大門等

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‎我有半價的口罩和大麻

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‎我有濾網式FFP2口罩

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‎上面有個可以塞大麻讓你吸的小盒子

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‎向病毒說不

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‎喔，讚啦

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‎至於我的血統

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‎我是半個摩洛哥人
‎半個阿爾及利亞人，所以我恨自己

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‎對

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‎有人懂一點政治喔

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‎說真的，我不想再當土耳其人了

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‎你絕對沒看過這麼複雜的身分變化

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‎大家一定在想…

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‎剛剛說自己兩國混血
‎現在是土耳其人？

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‎我知道我不是土耳其人
‎但我不想再當土耳其人了

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‎問題是很多人以為我是土耳其人

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‎別弄錯

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‎我沒有因為純種德國人
‎以為我是土耳其人而生氣

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‎我也分不出德國人和荷蘭人

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‎我氣的是土耳其人以為我是土耳其人

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‎因為從我小時候起

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‎就有土耳其人跑來問我

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‎“Sen Türk müsün？”

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‎意思是：“你是土耳其人嗎？”

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‎從我小學二年級起

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‎他們在德國

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‎用土耳其語問我

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‎是不是土耳其人

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‎我完全搞不懂

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‎我最後問土耳其朋友那句話什麼意思

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‎他們說：“哈立德
‎他們問你是不是土耳其人”

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‎-“我該怎麼說？”
‎-“你就說

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‎Yok, ben Marok”

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‎意思是

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‎“不是，我是摩洛哥人”

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‎所以每次有土耳其人
‎問我是不是土耳其人，我就說

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‎“Yok, ben Marok”

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‎有一次我到科隆，大家都問

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‎-“Sen Türk müsün？”
‎-“Yok, ben Marok”

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‎我不小心經過土耳其人示威活動

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‎我身上有摩洛哥國旗
‎他們看來一臉迷惑

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‎但是我承認，我會講一點土耳其語

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‎因為我從小身邊就有很多土耳其人

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‎就跟所有德國人一樣

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‎意思是

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‎我走進土耳其人開的商店時

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‎會跟他們講土耳其語

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‎用土耳其語打招呼
‎儘量講最標準的土耳其語

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‎我進去會跟老闆說

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‎“祝你平安”

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‎要有這個動作

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‎這是土耳其語的一部分，土耳其氣場

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‎我進去說：“祝呂平安”

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‎有人可能會想

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‎“那是阿拉伯問候語，祝你平安”

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‎對，但你們剛剛看的是土耳其版本

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‎因為阿拉伯人說：“祝你平安”
‎土耳其人說：“祝呂平安”

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‎多了幾個U的音

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‎阿拉伯人講“祝你平安”很嚴肅
‎土耳其人笑著講“祝呂平安”

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‎我跟他打招呼，他也跟我打招呼

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‎“也祝你平安”

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‎我用土耳其語跟他說

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‎我說：“你好”

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‎我說的是

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‎“你好嗎？”

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‎他用土耳其語回答

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‎“İyiyim, sen nasılsın？”

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‎土耳其語的意思是“我很好，你呢？”

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‎所以我回答

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‎“İyiyim, Allah’a şükür”

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‎土耳其語的意思是：“很好，感謝神”

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‎然後他問

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‎“Napıyon？”

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‎土耳其語的意思是：“你在做什麼？”

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‎講完了

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‎我只會講這些土耳其語

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‎我只記得：“不，我是摩洛哥人”

166
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‎他以為我在耍他

167
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‎我知道的另一句土耳其語是

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‎“你的女朋友在哪裡？”

169
00:09:23,720 --> 00:09:25,160
‎真的很好笑吧？

170
00:09:25,240 --> 00:09:27,120
‎“Senin kız arkadaşın nerde？”

171
00:09:28,160 --> 00:09:30,600
‎“你的女朋友在哪裡？”，超爆笑

172
00:09:30,680 --> 00:09:33,240
‎我在路上跟一個土耳其人問這句

173
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‎我不認識他，他不覺得好笑

174
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‎他經過時，我說：“嗨，穆罕默德
‎穆拉特、阿里、哈肯？”

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‎-“幹嘛？”
‎-“你叫哈肯！我就知道”

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‎哈肯，老兄

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‎“你的女朋友在哪裡？”

178
00:09:51,840 --> 00:09:53,440
‎他搞糊塗了，心裡想

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‎“你問起她幹嘛？”

180
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‎“你認識我女朋友嗎？”

181
00:10:01,800 --> 00:10:04,920
‎問題是我在等他問

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‎“我女朋友在哪裡”
‎因為我有超讚的回答方式

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‎超爆笑的

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‎第一排的人誰會講土耳其語？

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‎你嗎？

186
00:10:12,680 --> 00:10:15,520
‎我會問你的女朋友在哪裡

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‎然後你問我的女朋友在哪裡

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‎我的回答超棒，你一定會笑死

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00:10:20,840 --> 00:10:23,080
‎沒笑死是你的錯，你沒幽默感

190
00:10:23,680 --> 00:10:26,120
‎我的回答很棒，好了沒？好囉？

191
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‎你叫什麼名字？

192
00:10:27,800 --> 00:10:28,640
‎阿基夫？

193
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‎阿基夫？不錯，好名字

194
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‎-你有女朋友嗎？
‎-沒有

195
00:10:33,440 --> 00:10:34,800
‎可能被名字害的

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‎不，我們繼續…好

197
00:10:38,200 --> 00:10:39,360
‎準備好了沒？

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00:10:40,000 --> 00:10:42,600
‎好，你沒有女朋友，懂了，阿基夫

199
00:10:42,680 --> 00:10:43,880
‎阿基夫，兄弟！

200
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‎“你的女朋友在哪裡？”

201
00:10:49,720 --> 00:10:52,160
‎“Benim kız arkadaşım
‎evde ekmek yapilir”

202
00:10:53,040 --> 00:10:56,720
‎意思是：“我女朋友在家做麵包”

203
00:10:57,840 --> 00:11:01,840
‎如果有土耳其女人跟我說
‎“這是性別歧視”

204
00:11:01,920 --> 00:11:06,560
‎我會說：“她在做麵包
‎但地點由她決定”

205
00:11:11,840 --> 00:11:14,400
‎我不是會管女朋友的土耳其人

206
00:11:15,240 --> 00:11:17,120
‎我根本就不是土耳其人

207
00:11:19,240 --> 00:11:21,560
‎年輕人，我喜歡你的笑聲

208
00:11:21,640 --> 00:11:23,080
‎-你叫什麼名字？
‎-莫里斯

209
00:11:23,160 --> 00:11:25,080
‎-莫里斯，你是德國人嗎？
‎-對

210
00:11:25,160 --> 00:11:27,160
‎-那個是你女朋友？
‎-對

211
00:11:27,240 --> 00:11:28,600
‎她有德國護照嗎？

212
00:11:29,760 --> 00:11:31,080
‎-有
‎-有！

213
00:11:31,600 --> 00:11:32,600
‎你真好樣的

214
00:11:32,680 --> 00:11:35,960
‎這才是重點，我要問你她在哪裡

215
00:11:36,040 --> 00:11:37,240
‎好嗎？

216
00:11:37,320 --> 00:11:39,040
‎然後你用土耳其語回答

217
00:11:39,800 --> 00:11:42,720
‎你要這樣說：“我的女朋友在這裡”

218
00:11:43,320 --> 00:11:44,640
‎“Benim kız arkadaş”

219
00:11:45,480 --> 00:11:48,640
‎簡單一點就是
‎“Kız arkadaşım burada”

220
00:11:49,240 --> 00:11:50,080
‎好嗎？

221
00:11:50,600 --> 00:11:51,480
‎準備好了沒？

222
00:11:51,560 --> 00:11:54,320
‎“Kız”，K、I、Z，“Arkadaşım”

223
00:11:54,400 --> 00:11:55,600
‎“Kız”，K、I、Z

224
00:11:56,240 --> 00:11:57,960
‎代表女生

225
00:11:58,040 --> 00:11:59,120
‎“Arkadaşım”

226
00:11:59,200 --> 00:12:02,040
‎代表朋友，女朋友

227
00:12:02,120 --> 00:12:03,920
‎現在懂了吧？

228
00:12:04,000 --> 00:12:05,800
‎“我的女朋友在這裡”

229
00:12:05,880 --> 00:12:08,160
‎就像伯達出版社，但是要捲舌

230
00:12:08,240 --> 00:12:09,160
‎“伯達”代表這裡

231
00:12:09,240 --> 00:12:11,320
‎準備好了沒，莫里斯？

232
00:12:11,400 --> 00:12:13,080
‎-好了
‎-大家安靜

233
00:12:13,160 --> 00:12:15,600
‎他需要全神貫注，我相信你

234
00:12:15,680 --> 00:12:17,080
‎莫里斯，兄弟！

235
00:12:17,800 --> 00:12:19,440
‎你女朋友在哪裡？

236
00:12:19,920 --> 00:12:21,160
‎我女朋友在這裡

237
00:12:21,240 --> 00:12:23,040
‎大家為莫里斯掌聲鼓勵

238
00:12:23,120 --> 00:12:24,160
‎非常好

239
00:12:24,680 --> 00:12:26,160
‎非常好！

240
00:12:26,880 --> 00:12:28,120
‎你真好樣的

241
00:12:28,720 --> 00:12:29,920
‎太棒了

242
00:12:30,000 --> 00:12:32,320
‎看到沒有？

243
00:12:33,120 --> 00:12:36,400
‎我爸媽在1960和1970年代
‎以移工身分來德國

244
00:12:36,480 --> 00:12:39,760
‎今天我在科隆的舞台上
‎教德國人講土耳其語

245
00:12:39,840 --> 00:12:41,920
‎這就是我說的族群融合

246
00:12:45,160 --> 00:12:47,600
‎我連土耳其人都不是呢！

247
00:12:48,240 --> 00:12:52,160
‎我可以用摩洛哥語教你
‎摩洛哥話要說

248
00:12:52,240 --> 00:12:55,280
‎Ferha Sahbtik…

249
00:12:55,360 --> 00:12:57,520
‎講兩個字就累死四次

250
00:12:59,880 --> 00:13:01,000
‎我要說的是

251
00:13:01,080 --> 00:13:03,920
‎我們的父母拼死拼活才能安居樂業

252
00:13:04,000 --> 00:13:07,080
‎我們的責任就是守成
‎我是哈立德邦華

253
00:13:07,160 --> 00:13:08,560
‎RebellComedy萬歲

254
00:13:15,600 --> 00:13:19,960
‎各位來賓，請掌聲歡迎薩林沙木圖！

255
00:13:25,960 --> 00:13:27,280
‎謝謝！

256
00:13:29,840 --> 00:13:31,240
‎謝謝大家！

257
00:13:31,320 --> 00:13:33,280
‎謝謝大家

258
00:13:33,360 --> 00:13:35,920
‎謝謝各位，感激不盡

259
00:13:36,000 --> 00:13:38,360
‎能上台幾乎讓我感動到哭出來

260
00:13:38,440 --> 00:13:42,840
‎謝謝，我真不敢相信能回到文明世界

261
00:13:42,920 --> 00:13:47,800
‎我半個月前困在孟加拉

262
00:13:47,880 --> 00:13:49,880
‎出不來，超慘的

263
00:13:49,960 --> 00:13:53,320
‎我的IG粉絲都知道我剛才在鬼扯

264
00:13:53,400 --> 00:13:54,680
‎不過…

265
00:13:54,760 --> 00:13:57,760
‎真的，我去看那邊的家人了

266
00:13:57,840 --> 00:14:00,400
‎根據維基百科，我是孟加拉人

267
00:14:00,480 --> 00:14:03,000
‎我真的很想去…

268
00:14:03,080 --> 00:14:04,200
‎誰去過那裡？

269
00:14:04,280 --> 00:14:07,520
‎千萬別去，建議你去連鎖服飾店

270
00:14:07,600 --> 00:14:08,800
‎沒差

271
00:14:09,400 --> 00:14:12,080
‎他們的門市跟孟加拉一模一樣

272
00:14:12,160 --> 00:14:14,560
‎飛孟加拉的航空公司只有一家

273
00:14:14,640 --> 00:14:16,640
‎那家航空公司真的叫

274
00:14:16,720 --> 00:14:18,800
‎“搞低低航空公司”，就這樣

275
00:14:18,880 --> 00:14:22,080
‎天底下最寒酸的航空公司

276
00:14:22,160 --> 00:14:25,000
‎連公車司機都笑他們，慘斃了

277
00:14:25,080 --> 00:14:26,640
‎你問有多寒酸？

278
00:14:26,720 --> 00:14:30,080
‎空姐竟然跟我要東西吃，搞屁啊？

279
00:14:35,040 --> 00:14:35,920
‎“何時出餐？”

280
00:14:36,000 --> 00:14:38,880
‎“你什麼時候要給我們飯吃？”超慘

281
00:14:38,960 --> 00:14:42,600
‎正式的機長廣播是這樣的

282
00:14:43,560 --> 00:14:44,480
‎“大家好！”

283
00:14:44,560 --> 00:14:46,360
‎沒了，就這樣，超慘

284
00:14:46,960 --> 00:14:48,600
‎我說：“兄弟，你是…

285
00:14:49,120 --> 00:14:50,080
‎兄弟，你是…

286
00:14:51,800 --> 00:14:54,200
‎你是機長耶，多講幾句吧”

287
00:14:54,280 --> 00:14:56,440
‎他說：“要買T恤嗎？買一送一”

288
00:14:56,520 --> 00:14:57,840
‎就這樣

289
00:14:57,920 --> 00:14:59,720
‎然後他出來賣玫瑰花

290
00:14:59,800 --> 00:15:02,920
‎“來，兄弟，收下，收下玫瑰，兄弟”

291
00:15:03,000 --> 00:15:06,760
‎然後拿出貧民窟兒童的照片
‎“來，兄弟，請收下玫瑰”

292
00:15:06,840 --> 00:15:09,880
‎我說：“好，兄弟，我買三朵，來吧”

293
00:15:09,960 --> 00:15:11,200
‎我超怕坐飛機

294
00:15:11,280 --> 00:15:15,000
‎我像這樣坐在窗邊，眼睛盯著引擎

295
00:15:15,560 --> 00:15:17,120
‎結果沒引擎

296
00:15:17,200 --> 00:15:20,080
‎只有三個人像這樣，沒了

297
00:15:22,480 --> 00:15:24,640
‎我們相信自己能飛

298
00:15:24,720 --> 00:15:27,320
‎我相信我能碰到天際

299
00:15:27,400 --> 00:15:30,600
‎“喔，我真的碰到天空了！真的！”
‎真的，我…

300
00:15:30,680 --> 00:15:34,520
‎可是我幹嘛去孟加拉啊？

301
00:15:34,600 --> 00:15:35,520
‎好問題

302
00:15:36,480 --> 00:15:39,280
‎我想當背包客，誰當過背包客？

303
00:15:39,360 --> 00:15:41,920
‎一個都沒有，好扯，讚！

304
00:15:42,000 --> 00:15:45,000
‎一點也沒錯，因為我們文化很多元

305
00:15:45,080 --> 00:15:47,120
‎而背包客比較像

306
00:15:47,200 --> 00:15:51,240
‎不愛乾淨的嬉皮白人幹的事

307
00:15:51,320 --> 00:15:54,280
‎沒錯，是你說的，不是我，超慘

308
00:15:54,960 --> 00:15:58,240
‎長滿腋毛，沒體香噴霧，只有爽身粉

309
00:15:58,320 --> 00:16:00,560
‎“因為我的碳足跡”

310
00:16:00,640 --> 00:16:01,840
‎他們會當背包客

311
00:16:01,920 --> 00:16:04,000
‎你們知道誰最愛嗎？

312
00:16:04,080 --> 00:16:06,240
‎我的一個好朋友，真的

313
00:16:06,320 --> 00:16:09,080
‎我一個人很好的瑞士同事，阿倫佛萊

314
00:16:09,160 --> 00:16:10,920
‎你們認識嗎？都認識

315
00:16:11,760 --> 00:16:13,320
‎好，太好了

316
00:16:14,080 --> 00:16:15,080
‎非常好

317
00:16:15,160 --> 00:16:17,840
‎你鼓掌好用力，你叫什麼名字？

318
00:16:18,400 --> 00:16:19,400
‎什麼？

319
00:16:19,480 --> 00:16:22,520
‎凱曼？好傢伙，凱曼，超讚

320
00:16:22,600 --> 00:16:24,360
‎好傢伙，凱曼，這樣吧

321
00:16:24,440 --> 00:16:25,480
‎你們都知道他

322
00:16:25,560 --> 00:16:27,720
‎你鼓掌超用力的，超讚

323
00:16:27,800 --> 00:16:30,160
‎凱曼認識他，你認識阿倫吧？

324
00:16:30,240 --> 00:16:35,040
‎你們只要知道一件事
‎他是全天下最白的人

325
00:16:35,120 --> 00:16:37,200
‎不信去問凱曼，絕對沒錯

326
00:16:37,280 --> 00:16:40,800
‎他的膚色只有兩種：白色和皮膚癌

327
00:16:40,880 --> 00:16:43,480
‎真的，他用不透明白漆當助曬乳

328
00:16:43,560 --> 00:16:45,840
‎絕對沒錯，我發誓

329
00:16:45,920 --> 00:16:49,760
‎連白子都要幫他擋太陽
‎他們說：“曬死我吧！”

330
00:16:49,840 --> 00:16:51,880
‎夠了，凱曼，嘴不要那麼賤

331
00:16:52,640 --> 00:16:54,680
‎凱曼，老哥，幹嘛這樣？

332
00:16:55,560 --> 00:16:56,640
‎兄弟

333
00:16:58,000 --> 00:16:59,400
‎別逼我這樣

334
00:16:59,480 --> 00:17:02,400
‎取笑他的膚色實在太賤了

335
00:17:02,480 --> 00:17:04,520
‎人家只是白人耶

336
00:17:04,600 --> 00:17:06,720
‎#白人的命也是命

337
00:17:06,800 --> 00:17:08,080
‎真的，各位，超慘

338
00:17:08,160 --> 00:17:12,240
‎第一次下雪時，他馬上就消失了

339
00:17:12,320 --> 00:17:13,640
‎這是凱曼說的，真的

340
00:17:14,240 --> 00:17:17,400
‎你把燈關掉，還是看得到他，真的

341
00:17:17,480 --> 00:17:21,160
‎他是螢火蟲的老師，真的

342
00:17:21,920 --> 00:17:24,880
‎螢火蟲說
‎“你怎麼辦到的？你是農夫”

343
00:17:24,960 --> 00:17:27,240
‎夠了！凱曼，別逼我講這些

344
00:17:27,320 --> 00:17:28,560
‎真是有夠嘴賤

345
00:17:28,640 --> 00:17:29,920
‎別搞我了，真是夠了

346
00:17:30,000 --> 00:17:32,680
‎我們剛剛去動物園
‎結果北極熊跟他跳舞

347
00:17:32,760 --> 00:17:36,600
‎牠們說：“我們是同類，兄弟！”

348
00:17:36,680 --> 00:17:38,600
‎夠了你！兄弟！

349
00:17:39,360 --> 00:17:40,440
‎別搞我了

350
00:17:41,560 --> 00:17:43,320
‎這傢伙嘴真賤

351
00:17:44,400 --> 00:17:47,680
‎我們不能繼續下去，老哥，嘴真賤

352
00:17:47,760 --> 00:17:49,920
‎他會嚇到鬼，好嗎？真是夠了！

353
00:17:50,000 --> 00:17:51,720
‎我只想說他是瑞士人

354
00:17:51,800 --> 00:17:56,880
‎所以他跑來跟我說
‎“薩林，你一定要當背包客”

355
00:17:58,480 --> 00:18:03,240
‎如果有人不懂這個意思
‎這是標準的瑞士腔德語，真的

356
00:18:03,760 --> 00:18:07,320
‎瑞士腔德語就是一般德語

357
00:18:07,400 --> 00:18:10,120
‎加上同時對唐老鴨用水刑的感覺

358
00:18:10,200 --> 00:18:12,640
‎瑞士腔德語就是這樣，我保證

359
00:18:12,720 --> 00:18:13,880
‎真心不騙

360
00:18:15,360 --> 00:18:16,520
‎真心不騙

361
00:18:17,040 --> 00:18:18,240
‎超慘，真的

362
00:18:18,800 --> 00:18:19,640
‎真的

363
00:18:20,280 --> 00:18:21,760
‎唐老鴨過來，放毛巾，然後…

364
00:18:21,840 --> 00:18:25,400
‎我…不…在…這裡

365
00:18:25,520 --> 00:18:26,800
‎超慘

366
00:18:26,880 --> 00:18:30,960
‎如果不信，他們把銀器講成“銀…器”

367
00:18:31,040 --> 00:18:33,760
‎超慘，我拿生命擔保

368
00:18:33,840 --> 00:18:34,680
‎真的

369
00:18:34,760 --> 00:18:37,400
‎你們知道跟阿倫出遊有多慘嗎？

370
00:18:37,480 --> 00:18:39,600
‎有時他跟我住飯店隔壁房間

371
00:18:39,680 --> 00:18:41,360
‎我在看電視

372
00:18:41,440 --> 00:18:44,520
‎有時有空頻道，只有閃爍的灰色畫面

373
00:18:44,600 --> 00:18:47,040
‎發出這種聲音…結果他跑進來
‎“爸爸？媽媽？”

374
00:18:47,120 --> 00:18:48,600
‎我說：“不對，兄弟…”

375
00:18:49,480 --> 00:18:50,960
‎是電視機啦

376
00:18:52,120 --> 00:18:53,880
‎是電視機啦…”

377
00:18:58,600 --> 00:19:00,400
‎-“兄弟，是電視機”
‎-“媽媽…”

378
00:19:00,480 --> 00:19:01,320
‎幫幫忙

379
00:19:01,440 --> 00:19:04,840
‎他養一隻全瑞士最遜的狗

380
00:19:04,920 --> 00:19:06,920
‎他養一隻八哥犬

381
00:19:07,000 --> 00:19:10,000
‎我到他家時都不知道誰在講話…

382
00:19:10,960 --> 00:19:12,880
‎兩個聽起來都一樣，都是…

383
00:19:13,440 --> 00:19:16,240
‎我說：“兄弟
‎放開唐老鴨吧，你幹嘛？”

384
00:19:16,320 --> 00:19:17,320
‎超慘的

385
00:19:17,400 --> 00:19:19,680
‎你覺得八哥犬講話不像瑞士人？

386
00:19:19,760 --> 00:19:23,280
‎我打電話給瑞士電信公司
‎然後把電話拿給八哥犬

387
00:19:24,840 --> 00:19:27,840
‎他們聊了38分鐘，我發誓

388
00:19:27,920 --> 00:19:29,080
‎真心不騙

389
00:19:33,000 --> 00:19:34,080
‎真的，超慘

390
00:19:34,600 --> 00:19:35,440
‎真的

391
00:19:35,520 --> 00:19:37,840
‎千萬別到瑞士玩

392
00:19:37,920 --> 00:19:40,080
‎想去那邊旅遊的朋友

393
00:19:40,160 --> 00:19:42,640
‎建議你們去奧地利，好多了

394
00:19:42,720 --> 00:19:45,960
‎去奧地利，但別去維也納

395
00:19:46,040 --> 00:19:48,040
‎如果要表示“讓你大吃一驚”

396
00:19:48,120 --> 00:19:51,120
‎他們會說：“Das haut's
‎den Beidl auf'd Seitn”

397
00:19:51,200 --> 00:19:53,320
‎你們可以上網查意思

398
00:19:53,400 --> 00:19:55,920
‎“把你的雞雞打到旁邊”

399
00:19:56,600 --> 00:19:59,520
‎我對天發誓，連女人都這樣講

400
00:19:59,600 --> 00:20:01,960
‎“把我的雞雞打到旁邊”

401
00:20:03,360 --> 00:20:04,720
‎各位，我敢發誓

402
00:20:05,440 --> 00:20:06,920
‎我敢發誓

403
00:20:07,000 --> 00:20:09,120
‎“把你的雞雞打到旁邊”

404
00:20:09,200 --> 00:20:11,960
‎但是非裔奧地利人不這樣講，他們說

405
00:20:12,040 --> 00:20:14,160
‎“把你的雞雞打到屁股後面”

406
00:20:14,240 --> 00:20:17,000
‎我敢發誓，超慘，真心不騙

407
00:20:22,560 --> 00:20:26,640
‎亞洲人說：“把我的雞雞打到中間”

408
00:20:27,160 --> 00:20:30,400
‎中間沒關係，只能尊重，真的，超慘

409
00:20:30,480 --> 00:20:32,760
‎你們知道吃館子有多累嗎？

410
00:20:32,840 --> 00:20:35,200
‎每次服務生說：“你不喜歡嗎？”

411
00:20:35,280 --> 00:20:36,200
‎“沒有，很好吃”

412
00:20:36,280 --> 00:20:38,840
‎“你的雞雞在7點半位置，我看到了

413
00:20:38,920 --> 00:20:41,400
‎一定要在6點45分
‎或7點15分位置，不然…”

414
00:20:41,480 --> 00:20:43,240
‎保證退錢，超讚

415
00:20:43,320 --> 00:20:44,880
‎我發現

416
00:20:44,960 --> 00:20:48,200
‎要捱過我們現在過的生活有多痛苦

417
00:20:48,280 --> 00:20:50,400
‎因為現在發生的事情

418
00:20:50,480 --> 00:20:53,920
‎你們坐在這裡跟複製人一樣，這些…

419
00:20:54,720 --> 00:20:55,640
‎不是，真的

420
00:20:55,720 --> 00:20:59,240
‎我們現在真的在寫歷史

421
00:20:59,320 --> 00:21:01,680
‎現況就是歷史進行式

422
00:21:01,760 --> 00:21:06,080
‎到了西元2100年
‎歷史課本絕對會講這件事

423
00:21:06,160 --> 00:21:07,400
‎到時我們

424
00:21:07,480 --> 00:21:10,720
‎我們其中一人就會成為現在的見證

425
00:21:10,800 --> 00:21:13,920
‎100歲的傑若米帕斯葛現身了

426
00:21:14,000 --> 00:21:15,920
‎“嗨，我是當時的見證人”

427
00:21:16,440 --> 00:21:17,280
‎因為…

428
00:21:17,840 --> 00:21:22,040
‎他的肚子上會有個刺青寫
‎“我是當時的見證人”

429
00:21:22,120 --> 00:21:27,520
‎2100年的見證人跟現代見證人沒得比

430
00:21:27,600 --> 00:21:31,000
‎我們唸書時一定會找希特勒那時的人

431
00:21:31,080 --> 00:21:33,480
‎每個德國人都反希特勒，那當然

432
00:21:33,560 --> 00:21:35,960
‎大家都是，反正死無對證

433
00:21:36,040 --> 00:21:39,120
‎沒人跟希特勒一起拍IG自拍照

434
00:21:39,680 --> 00:21:41,600
‎#跟凶手一起混

435
00:21:41,680 --> 00:21:43,200
‎當時還沒有，真的

436
00:21:43,280 --> 00:21:45,960
‎#他很忠貞

437
00:21:46,040 --> 00:21:49,000
‎當時沒有那種東西，懂我意思嗎？

438
00:21:52,320 --> 00:21:53,400
‎並不存在

439
00:21:54,200 --> 00:21:57,840
‎他們可以隨便說，全都編同樣的故事

440
00:21:57,920 --> 00:22:00,600
‎“希特勒太可惡了，我當面罵他

441
00:22:00,680 --> 00:22:04,600
‎我拔下他的鬍子
‎然後塞進他的屁眼，滾啦！

442
00:22:04,680 --> 00:22:07,720
‎過來，你這個下流的希特勒！
‎你有什麼問題？

443
00:22:07,800 --> 00:22:09,240
‎幹嘛，戈林？媽的死胖子！

444
00:22:09,320 --> 00:22:10,840
‎我把他的大麥克藏起來

445
00:22:11,360 --> 00:22:14,240
‎給他豬排吧
‎我把希姆萊的眼鏡藏起來”

446
00:22:14,920 --> 00:22:17,960
‎“我才是最強種族”
‎他們隨便說，因為死無對證

447
00:22:18,040 --> 00:22:21,200
‎最慘的是現代網紅

448
00:22:21,280 --> 00:22:24,280
‎變成2100年網紅的樣子

449
00:22:24,360 --> 00:22:27,760
‎可是老網紅到100歲趴趴走時說

450
00:22:27,840 --> 00:22:32,200
‎“各位，你們也需要導尿管嗎？
‎趕快往上滑就能預購

451
00:22:32,280 --> 00:22:33,440
‎導尿管”

452
00:22:34,040 --> 00:22:34,880
‎“往上滑”

453
00:22:37,520 --> 00:22:38,480
‎“拜託，各位

454
00:22:39,520 --> 00:22:41,560
‎你也硬不起來？往上滑！

455
00:22:41,640 --> 00:22:45,920
‎用‘軟屌’折扣代碼就能打八折

456
00:22:46,000 --> 00:22:47,280
‎先搶先贏！”

457
00:22:48,920 --> 00:22:51,440
‎各位，今天我們學到

458
00:22:51,520 --> 00:22:53,200
‎不要去奧地利

459
00:22:53,280 --> 00:22:55,840
‎不要去蘇黎世，只要去日本

460
00:22:55,920 --> 00:22:58,280
‎日本是最好的國家，誰去過？

461
00:22:58,360 --> 00:23:00,600
‎兩個人，讚

462
00:23:00,680 --> 00:23:01,960
‎日本哪裡？

463
00:23:02,640 --> 00:23:06,440
‎東京，我沒去過日本的話也會說那裡

464
00:23:06,920 --> 00:23:09,840
‎他隨便掰的，好厲害，超讚

465
00:23:10,840 --> 00:23:12,400
‎他可以證明，真的

466
00:23:12,480 --> 00:23:14,720
‎他們最聰明了，真的

467
00:23:14,800 --> 00:23:16,400
‎我們在新冠肺炎疫情時…

468
00:23:16,480 --> 00:23:19,840
‎你們看過別人囤積衛生紙嗎？

469
00:23:19,920 --> 00:23:23,640
‎“什麼？致命病毒？
‎我得呵護屁眼才行

470
00:23:23,720 --> 00:23:27,440
‎我的屁眼怎麼辦？怎麼清屁眼？”

471
00:23:27,520 --> 00:23:28,800
‎穆斯林心裡想

472
00:23:28,880 --> 00:23:32,200
‎“兄弟，拿水壺就好，閉上狗嘴”

473
00:23:42,280 --> 00:23:43,360
‎就是這樣

474
00:23:43,440 --> 00:23:45,760
‎日本不必，他們已經登峰造極

475
00:23:45,840 --> 00:23:47,880
‎不用衛生紙，不用拿水壺

476
00:23:47,960 --> 00:23:52,000
‎他們只有會自動噴出祈雨舞的馬桶

477
00:23:52,080 --> 00:23:55,480
‎你坐在那邊按下按鈕
‎就能欣賞日本的祈雨舞

478
00:23:58,640 --> 00:24:02,200
‎我發誓，會有水槍射你的屁股，真的

479
00:24:03,080 --> 00:24:05,160
‎我敢發誓

480
00:24:05,240 --> 00:24:06,200
‎沒騙你，真的啦

481
00:24:07,760 --> 00:24:09,280
‎你往馬桶裡看

482
00:24:09,360 --> 00:24:12,360
‎就會看到口袋怪獸在裡面練習

483
00:24:13,080 --> 00:24:15,960
‎再來三個屁屁就可以開旅行團了

484
00:24:17,200 --> 00:24:18,680
‎我跟一個日本人說

485
00:24:18,760 --> 00:24:21,000
‎“兄弟，這種設計非常好…

486
00:24:21,080 --> 00:24:24,280
‎真的把我的雞雞打到屁股後面，超讚

487
00:24:24,920 --> 00:24:26,320
‎可是衛生紙呢？”

488
00:24:26,400 --> 00:24:27,480
‎他大發雷霆

489
00:24:27,560 --> 00:24:30,280
‎“幹你媽的西方人

490
00:24:30,360 --> 00:24:34,520
‎害死幾百萬棵樹
‎結果擦完屁股就丟馬桶！

491
00:24:35,040 --> 00:24:36,880
‎你們真是人類之恥”

492
00:24:36,960 --> 00:24:39,280
‎我說：“冷靜一點，海豚凶手

493
00:24:39,360 --> 00:24:41,680
‎你還好意思說，老哥

494
00:24:41,760 --> 00:24:45,240
‎兄弟，你剛剛才吃鯨魚三明治
‎冷靜點，老哥

495
00:24:45,320 --> 00:24:48,400
‎你為什麼不把嘴巴塞住，老哥？”

496
00:24:49,560 --> 00:24:51,880
‎日本人不能跟我們比

497
00:24:51,960 --> 00:24:54,160
‎他們整天吃什麼？

498
00:24:54,240 --> 00:24:57,200
‎那邊只有海鮮、飯、味噌湯

499
00:24:57,280 --> 00:25:01,240
‎如果你整天吃這些，就會拉出羊大便

500
00:25:02,040 --> 00:25:04,360
‎他們大便只要三秒鐘

501
00:25:05,760 --> 00:25:06,600
‎搞定

502
00:25:07,320 --> 00:25:08,960
‎蹲下去就全部出來了

503
00:25:12,480 --> 00:25:14,520
‎所以他們才想出相撲運動

504
00:25:14,600 --> 00:25:15,440
‎像這樣

505
00:25:16,560 --> 00:25:17,400
‎就這樣

506
00:25:17,960 --> 00:25:20,680
‎這些日本人根本就不懂

507
00:25:20,760 --> 00:25:23,920
‎凌晨3點狂吃烤肉的感覺

508
00:25:25,360 --> 00:25:29,160
‎香辣起司球配上核災香辣醬

509
00:25:30,000 --> 00:25:32,160
‎如果老是吃這種核災鬼東西

510
00:25:32,240 --> 00:25:35,000
‎第二天就會拉出廣島原子彈

511
00:25:35,880 --> 00:25:37,600
‎可能要等很久去…

512
00:25:40,960 --> 00:25:45,560
‎可能要一整棵樹做成的衛生紙才夠擦

513
00:25:45,640 --> 00:25:46,720
‎不然就完了

514
00:25:46,800 --> 00:25:48,760
‎謝謝各位捧場

515
00:25:53,920 --> 00:25:56,000
‎各位來賓

516
00:25:56,080 --> 00:25:58,600
‎讓我們歡迎瑞士諧星

517
00:25:58,680 --> 00:26:00,080
‎阿倫佛萊！

518
00:26:01,840 --> 00:26:02,880
‎謝謝！

519
00:26:03,600 --> 00:26:04,520
‎感激不盡！

520
00:26:05,040 --> 00:26:06,360
‎謝謝！

521
00:26:06,440 --> 00:26:09,120
‎太好了！謝謝！

522
00:26:09,200 --> 00:26:10,080
‎謝謝！

523
00:26:11,200 --> 00:26:12,040
‎謝謝！

524
00:26:12,840 --> 00:26:15,360
‎我在開始前要講一件事

525
00:26:15,440 --> 00:26:17,880
‎這件事對我來說很重要

526
00:26:18,960 --> 00:26:20,480
‎我並沒有那麼白

527
00:26:21,920 --> 00:26:24,440
‎我只是一開始要先澄清這點

528
00:26:24,520 --> 00:26:28,800
‎我們真的很高興現在還能演出

529
00:26:28,880 --> 00:26:31,560
‎對，請為自己鼓鼓掌，真的

530
00:26:33,080 --> 00:26:36,600
‎我為各位特別精心打扮，帥吧？謝謝

531
00:26:37,960 --> 00:26:38,800
‎其實

532
00:26:40,600 --> 00:26:43,680
‎我的西裝比我的笑話還受歡迎，好悲

533
00:26:43,760 --> 00:26:45,720
‎-“表演精彩嗎？”
‎-“阿倫穿得很帥”

534
00:26:46,680 --> 00:26:49,040
‎“他媽媽一定很高興”

535
00:26:50,240 --> 00:26:53,520
‎我要跟各位老實說清楚

536
00:26:53,600 --> 00:26:56,760
‎對諧星來說，每場表演都獨一無二

537
00:26:56,840 --> 00:26:58,640
‎完全不知道現場會如何

538
00:26:58,720 --> 00:27:02,320
‎我最特別的表演是在南方紐倫堡

539
00:27:02,400 --> 00:27:06,040
‎觀眾看得超開心的，太開心了

540
00:27:06,120 --> 00:27:08,160
‎大家又吼又叫

541
00:27:08,240 --> 00:27:11,240
‎結果第一排有個小姐笑到失控

542
00:27:11,320 --> 00:27:13,120
‎整個瘋掉了

543
00:27:13,200 --> 00:27:15,440
‎從頭到尾都這樣…

544
00:27:16,480 --> 00:27:19,080
‎你們知道如果有人笑得很大聲

545
00:27:19,160 --> 00:27:20,920
‎你也得陪笑嗎？

546
00:27:21,560 --> 00:27:23,800
‎我也這樣笑…

547
00:27:23,880 --> 00:27:25,680
‎然後她這樣笑…

548
00:27:25,760 --> 00:27:26,880
‎然後我這樣笑…

549
00:27:26,960 --> 00:27:29,240
‎結果突然，砰！她倒下去了

550
00:27:30,160 --> 00:27:32,080
‎結果我…

551
00:27:32,800 --> 00:27:35,360
‎表演被迫中斷

552
00:27:35,880 --> 00:27:38,000
‎他們請來醫生

553
00:27:38,520 --> 00:27:40,160
‎把她扶起來

554
00:27:40,800 --> 00:27:44,480
‎她覺得好多了，所以我問醫生

555
00:27:44,560 --> 00:27:47,480
‎“剛才是怎麼回事？”

556
00:27:48,080 --> 00:27:49,000
‎醫生說

557
00:27:49,080 --> 00:27:53,480
‎佛萊先生，這個小姐剛才笑到抽筋

558
00:27:54,000 --> 00:27:56,200
‎真的有這種事

559
00:27:56,280 --> 00:27:58,040
‎她笑得太厲害

560
00:27:58,120 --> 00:28:02,440
‎結果血液循環系統癱瘓

561
00:28:02,920 --> 00:28:08,120
‎你們知道我剛開始一瞬間
‎有什麼感覺嗎？

562
00:28:08,200 --> 00:28:09,280
‎驕傲感

563
00:28:10,800 --> 00:28:13,560
‎沒有很久，一下子而已！

564
00:28:13,640 --> 00:28:14,880
‎不久！

565
00:28:16,720 --> 00:28:19,000
‎我媽媽打來說：“演出怎麼樣？”

566
00:28:19,080 --> 00:28:23,280
‎“我差點害死人，我太幽默了”

567
00:28:25,320 --> 00:28:28,160
‎你們知道這次事件讓我想到什麼嗎？

568
00:28:28,640 --> 00:28:30,280
‎有一種刻板印象

569
00:28:30,760 --> 00:28:33,640
‎如果你的頭這樣搖…

570
00:28:34,600 --> 00:28:36,440
‎我有個朋友

571
00:28:36,520 --> 00:28:38,320
‎他真的會這樣！

572
00:28:38,400 --> 00:28:40,440
‎他每次都…

573
00:28:40,520 --> 00:28:42,600
‎我知道為什麼有人要這樣

574
00:28:42,680 --> 00:28:45,160
‎他們知道這樣看起來超可愛

575
00:28:45,640 --> 00:28:48,280
‎所以別人沒辦法對他們生氣

576
00:28:48,760 --> 00:28:51,680
‎不可能，我把車借給拉西德，他說

577
00:28:51,760 --> 00:28:54,640
‎“阿倫，我把你的車撞壞了”

578
00:28:54,720 --> 00:28:57,160
‎我說：“拉西德！你幹嘛啊？”

579
00:28:59,520 --> 00:29:02,440
‎“過來，小傢伙，你好可愛！”

580
00:29:03,720 --> 00:29:07,200
‎我是瑞士人，別人對我們
‎也有刻板印象，我受夠了

581
00:29:07,280 --> 00:29:09,440
‎有次表演結束，一個人問我

582
00:29:09,520 --> 00:29:14,040
‎“你們瑞士人都很有錢吧？”

583
00:29:14,120 --> 00:29:15,080
‎我說

584
00:29:16,080 --> 00:29:16,920
‎“對啊”

585
00:29:17,800 --> 00:29:19,400
‎然後我就買了他

586
00:29:20,160 --> 00:29:22,080
‎真的，他現在是我的財產

587
00:29:22,160 --> 00:29:23,640
‎一個德國小子

588
00:29:24,760 --> 00:29:25,880
‎住在我的衣櫥裡

589
00:29:26,800 --> 00:29:30,200
‎而且我不讓他出門
‎真的，他是我的！

590
00:29:30,680 --> 00:29:31,680
‎我買下他了

591
00:29:34,440 --> 00:29:37,080
‎我發現只有外國人在鼓掌

592
00:29:37,160 --> 00:29:39,120
‎他們想：“你真的買下他？”

593
00:29:40,880 --> 00:29:41,840
‎我…

594
00:29:41,920 --> 00:29:44,880
‎我很少在台上講政治議題

595
00:29:44,960 --> 00:29:48,480
‎我講了幾個稍微右翼德國政黨的笑話

596
00:29:48,560 --> 00:29:49,680
‎德國另類選擇黨

597
00:29:49,760 --> 00:29:51,960
‎不只是因為我們意見相左

598
00:29:52,040 --> 00:29:54,640
‎畢竟是民主國家，必須容忍

599
00:29:54,720 --> 00:29:58,560
‎你知道我受不了他們什麼嗎？
‎我老了，受不了屁話

600
00:29:59,040 --> 00:30:01,120
‎我再也受不了屁話

601
00:30:01,200 --> 00:30:03,760
‎聽不得莫名其妙的話

602
00:30:03,840 --> 00:30:07,640
‎德國另類選擇黨和反伊斯蘭組織
‎合辦大型示威活動

603
00:30:07,720 --> 00:30:10,480
‎反對西方伊斯蘭化

604
00:30:10,560 --> 00:30:12,760
‎拿著標語趴趴走

605
00:30:12,840 --> 00:30:16,080
‎前面有個人拿著巨型標語

606
00:30:16,160 --> 00:30:18,920
‎這是他說的，不是我，上面寫

607
00:30:19,960 --> 00:30:25,680
‎“我們不要外國強暴犯！”

608
00:30:28,920 --> 00:30:30,480
‎誰想要啊？

609
00:30:31,680 --> 00:30:33,480
‎我也不要啊！

610
00:30:33,960 --> 00:30:37,520
‎我從來沒在宴會場合說
‎“嘿，強暴犯來了沒？”

611
00:30:38,360 --> 00:30:43,680
‎然後門鈴響起
‎“哈囉，是我，強暴犯來了！”

612
00:30:43,760 --> 00:30:46,560
‎“等一下，怎樣的強暴犯？”

613
00:30:46,640 --> 00:30:49,840
‎-“德國人強暴犯”
‎-“進來吧”

614
00:30:50,560 --> 00:30:52,800
‎我老了，受不了屁話

615
00:30:52,880 --> 00:30:57,800
‎我看到有人對
‎“黑人的命也是命”遊行發動反示威

616
00:30:57,880 --> 00:30:59,120
‎他們說

617
00:30:59,200 --> 00:31:03,680
‎“我覺得他們不應該
‎跟我們有一樣的權利”

618
00:31:03,760 --> 00:31:07,560
‎記者在美國訪問一個女人，她說

619
00:31:07,640 --> 00:31:09,920
‎她跟黑人無冤無仇

620
00:31:10,000 --> 00:31:13,880
‎只是覺得黑人和白人要有所區隔

621
00:31:14,640 --> 00:31:19,040
‎聽好囉，21世紀竟然有個成年女性

622
00:31:19,120 --> 00:31:22,600
‎認為黑白不能和睦相處

623
00:31:22,680 --> 00:31:24,160
‎我告訴各位

624
00:31:24,240 --> 00:31:27,000
‎全世界只有一個地方

625
00:31:27,080 --> 00:31:28,960
‎不能黑白雜處

626
00:31:29,440 --> 00:31:31,040
‎那就是洗衣機

627
00:31:32,400 --> 00:31:34,080
‎只有這個地方

628
00:31:35,120 --> 00:31:36,040
‎只此一處

629
00:31:36,760 --> 00:31:38,200
‎其他地方都沒關係

630
00:31:38,800 --> 00:31:39,640
‎只此一處

631
00:31:41,440 --> 00:31:42,800
‎就這麼一個地方

632
00:31:46,040 --> 00:31:47,880
‎我有個哥哥

633
00:31:47,960 --> 00:31:51,120
‎我跟有兄弟姐妹的人講個事實

634
00:31:51,200 --> 00:31:53,200
‎這是經過科學證實的

635
00:31:53,280 --> 00:31:55,400
‎所有兄弟姊妹之中，一定會有

636
00:31:56,520 --> 00:31:57,560
‎一個人長得好看

637
00:31:58,760 --> 00:31:59,960
‎一個人很搞笑

638
00:32:00,440 --> 00:32:01,600
‎這是事實

639
00:32:01,680 --> 00:32:05,360
‎你們一定都想：“錯，我們不是這樣”

640
00:32:05,440 --> 00:32:07,000
‎這表示你是搞笑的那個

641
00:32:08,400 --> 00:32:10,040
‎只有俊男美女在笑

642
00:32:10,520 --> 00:32:12,120
‎“好啦，鐘樓怪人，笑嘛

643
00:32:12,760 --> 00:32:14,400
‎他在說你耶，笑啦！”

644
00:32:15,280 --> 00:32:18,360
‎如果你們在想我是屬於哪一個

645
00:32:18,880 --> 00:32:20,240
‎可以猜猜看

646
00:32:20,760 --> 00:32:22,000
‎我是搞笑的那個

647
00:32:22,080 --> 00:32:24,560
‎我哥哥是帥哥，長得像模特兒

648
00:32:24,640 --> 00:32:26,520
‎我恨死他了

649
00:32:27,160 --> 00:32:28,400
‎他一直都是大人

650
00:32:28,480 --> 00:32:31,920
‎生下來就是大人
‎一出生就穿西裝，戴單邊眼鏡

651
00:32:32,400 --> 00:32:35,160
‎“我的銀行帳號在哪裡？”
‎他一直都是大人

652
00:32:35,240 --> 00:32:38,040
‎你可以叫小時候的他去買東西

653
00:32:38,120 --> 00:32:39,160
‎才四歲耶

654
00:32:39,240 --> 00:32:42,600
‎我媽說：“米亥爾，幫媽媽買東西”

655
00:32:42,680 --> 00:32:45,480
‎“是的，母親大人”
‎這個小笨蛋就是這樣講話

656
00:32:45,560 --> 00:32:48,480
‎不能叫我買
‎如果叫我買牛奶，我回來時…

657
00:32:48,560 --> 00:32:50,040
‎-“牛奶呢？”
‎-“我喝掉了”

658
00:32:51,200 --> 00:32:53,080
‎-“零錢呢？”
‎-“吃掉了”

659
00:32:53,160 --> 00:32:55,240
‎我小時候就這麼笨

660
00:32:55,320 --> 00:32:57,440
‎大家都在笑我，絕無例外

661
00:32:57,520 --> 00:32:59,880
‎我有個鄰居有唐氏症

662
00:32:59,960 --> 00:33:02,160
‎連他都說：“哇，你好笨！”

663
00:33:11,280 --> 00:33:13,240
‎為什麼我覺得這個笑話沒問題？

664
00:33:13,320 --> 00:33:17,280
‎因為我跟唐氏兒相處過

665
00:33:17,360 --> 00:33:21,120
‎他們人超好，心胸超級寬大

666
00:33:21,200 --> 00:33:22,480
‎他們很愛笑

667
00:33:22,560 --> 00:33:25,440
‎我的鄰居聽這個笑話笑得最開心

668
00:33:25,520 --> 00:33:27,240
‎能自我解嘲的人最棒了

669
00:33:27,320 --> 00:33:29,800
‎我在台上講過這個笑話

670
00:33:29,880 --> 00:33:31,800
‎有個觀眾這樣笑…

671
00:33:33,440 --> 00:33:35,720
‎我說：“你們看，這樣多好！”

672
00:33:35,800 --> 00:33:36,880
‎我說了這個笑話

673
00:33:36,960 --> 00:33:40,680
‎結果笑得最開心的人，就是唐氏兒

674
00:33:40,760 --> 00:33:42,720
‎他看著我說：“我不是”

675
00:33:46,360 --> 00:33:47,600
‎我好慘啊

676
00:33:49,440 --> 00:33:50,480
‎各位

677
00:33:50,560 --> 00:33:51,400
‎我哥哥…

678
00:33:51,480 --> 00:33:53,440
‎我很笨，但他也笨

679
00:33:53,920 --> 00:33:55,880
‎他只是比我聰明而已

680
00:33:55,960 --> 00:33:57,280
‎我們是兄弟…

681
00:33:57,360 --> 00:33:59,480
‎老是一直比來比去

682
00:33:59,560 --> 00:34:02,600
‎都在比笨的東西，完全沒有道理

683
00:34:02,680 --> 00:34:05,320
‎“我可以騎腳踏車騎得比你久”

684
00:34:05,400 --> 00:34:07,720
‎“才怪，我可以騎得比你久”

685
00:34:07,800 --> 00:34:10,680
‎然後我們就繞圈圈騎八個小時

686
00:34:11,520 --> 00:34:13,320
‎就像兩個大白痴

687
00:34:14,240 --> 00:34:17,440
‎有人找我媽串門子
‎“你兩個兒子怎麼樣？”

688
00:34:17,520 --> 00:34:18,560
‎“他們很笨

689
00:34:19,840 --> 00:34:21,560
‎看窗外就知道

690
00:34:22,080 --> 00:34:24,480
‎他們已經騎八個小時了

691
00:34:25,040 --> 00:34:27,400
‎左邊長得醜的那個更笨”

692
00:34:30,280 --> 00:34:31,200
‎對啊

693
00:34:35,200 --> 00:34:36,600
‎我是個笨小孩

694
00:34:38,840 --> 00:34:40,600
‎我一直都喜歡…

695
00:34:40,680 --> 00:34:43,720
‎我喜歡動物，愛看動物紀錄片

696
00:34:44,200 --> 00:34:47,720
‎可以學到沒用的知識

697
00:34:48,240 --> 00:34:51,000
‎我看的節目很適合現代社會

698
00:34:51,080 --> 00:34:53,400
‎這件事千真萬確

699
00:34:53,480 --> 00:34:56,080
‎有一種海星

700
00:34:56,600 --> 00:35:00,240
‎這種海星之中有二成

701
00:35:00,320 --> 00:35:02,000
‎生下來就有肛門

702
00:35:02,880 --> 00:35:04,880
‎牠們沒有屁眼

703
00:35:04,960 --> 00:35:07,320
‎但是卻能活著

704
00:35:07,400 --> 00:35:08,640
‎牠們往體內拉屎

705
00:35:08,720 --> 00:35:11,600
‎一生都是如此，大便一直累積

706
00:35:11,680 --> 00:35:13,040
‎牠們卻沒關係

707
00:35:13,120 --> 00:35:15,280
‎牠們越大越多，一直累積

708
00:35:15,360 --> 00:35:18,000
‎一直累積到頭頂

709
00:35:18,080 --> 00:35:20,720
‎結果整顆頭都是屎

710
00:35:21,240 --> 00:35:25,560
‎真的，我知道有人也是這樣

711
00:35:26,200 --> 00:35:27,640
‎一模模一樣樣

712
00:35:27,720 --> 00:35:30,480
‎真的！他們滿腦子大便

713
00:35:33,000 --> 00:35:37,600
‎現在到尾聲了，我發現有件事很奇怪

714
00:35:38,200 --> 00:35:41,280
‎我發現德國有幾個句子

715
00:35:41,360 --> 00:35:45,240
‎電影中的角色會講，但一般人不會

716
00:35:45,320 --> 00:35:48,360
‎我看一部警匪電影，有個角色說

717
00:35:48,440 --> 00:35:50,960
‎“先生，請勿見怪…”

718
00:35:51,640 --> 00:35:54,440
‎日常生活沒人這樣講的，我試過

719
00:35:54,520 --> 00:35:56,400
‎我在麥當勞結帳時

720
00:35:57,120 --> 00:36:01,920
‎店員問：“番茄醬還是美乃滋？”
‎我說：“請勿見怪，我都要”

721
00:36:03,000 --> 00:36:04,800
‎這句話有如魔術

722
00:36:04,880 --> 00:36:06,200
‎太有禮貌了

723
00:36:06,280 --> 00:36:08,200
‎能讓你為所欲為

724
00:36:08,280 --> 00:36:09,640
‎就像電影裡的那個人

725
00:36:09,720 --> 00:36:12,760
‎“先生，請勿見怪，但是你不懂”

726
00:36:12,840 --> 00:36:15,120
‎連對方都說：“你可能說得對”

727
00:36:16,040 --> 00:36:16,920
‎試試看

728
00:36:17,000 --> 00:36:20,320
‎下個禮拜故意遲到五個小時

729
00:36:21,520 --> 00:36:23,760
‎進公司時裝得若無其事

730
00:36:23,840 --> 00:36:25,040
‎“嗨，你好”

731
00:36:25,120 --> 00:36:29,040
‎等老闆問你
‎“搞什麼？怎麼這麼晚？”

732
00:36:31,640 --> 00:36:32,520
‎“先生

733
00:36:34,360 --> 00:36:35,920
‎請勿見怪

734
00:36:36,480 --> 00:36:37,840
‎看招！”

735
00:36:38,560 --> 00:36:41,000
‎如果他生氣，你就說
‎“你好大的膽子！”

736
00:36:41,080 --> 00:36:42,000
‎然後這樣…

737
00:36:43,640 --> 00:36:45,760
‎謝謝各位光臨！

738
00:36:45,840 --> 00:36:48,080
‎希望各位喜歡，謝謝大家！

739
00:36:50,320 --> 00:36:51,320
‎謝謝！

740
00:36:52,280 --> 00:36:58,240
‎各位來賓，讓我們歡迎海尼西安！

741
00:37:08,640 --> 00:37:10,880
‎我靠！

742
00:37:10,960 --> 00:37:12,600
‎好了啦！

743
00:37:15,880 --> 00:37:17,200
‎老哥！

744
00:37:17,280 --> 00:37:20,920
‎大家真有活力！超讚，好猛啊！

745
00:37:21,000 --> 00:37:23,320
‎我來這裡真是高興到不行

746
00:37:23,920 --> 00:37:25,160
‎各位來賓

747
00:37:25,760 --> 00:37:30,520
‎我並不喜歡過度政治正確的行為

748
00:37:31,440 --> 00:37:34,800
‎我覺得很多人都變得太過敏感

749
00:37:35,320 --> 00:37:37,640
‎但是我不想跟人爭這個

750
00:37:37,720 --> 00:37:40,080
‎而是利用這種現象佔便宜

751
00:37:41,280 --> 00:37:45,040
‎有時我會扯別人種族歧視

752
00:37:45,600 --> 00:37:47,160
‎但對方其實沒有

753
00:37:47,760 --> 00:37:49,040
‎我有一次去看電影

754
00:37:49,120 --> 00:37:51,840
‎排爆米花的隊伍超長

755
00:37:51,920 --> 00:37:55,520
‎所以我就插隊，我後面的小姐就說

756
00:37:58,440 --> 00:37:59,840
‎“到後面排隊”

757
00:38:03,120 --> 00:38:05,080
‎“妳剛剛叫我黑鬼嗎？”

758
00:38:16,120 --> 00:38:19,520
‎她說：“哪有，不可能！
‎我愛歐巴馬！”

759
00:38:20,720 --> 00:38:22,880
‎最後她不爭了，所以我想

760
00:38:22,960 --> 00:38:25,480
‎“太好了！我要再用一次”

761
00:38:26,200 --> 00:38:28,840
‎電影結束後，我去小吃攤

762
00:38:28,920 --> 00:38:32,040
‎又有長長的人龍，我又插隊

763
00:38:32,120 --> 00:38:35,480
‎後面有個男的說
‎“老哥，到後面排隊”

764
00:38:35,560 --> 00:38:37,680
‎我想說：“我的機會來了”

765
00:38:38,680 --> 00:38:40,040
‎“你剛剛叫我黑…”

766
00:38:40,120 --> 00:38:41,080
‎我心裡想：“幹！

767
00:38:41,640 --> 00:38:43,400
‎他比我還黑！”

768
00:38:45,240 --> 00:38:48,600
‎結果他反過來問我
‎“你剛剛叫我黑鬼嗎？”

769
00:38:49,280 --> 00:38:52,240
‎我說：“哪有，不可能！
‎我愛歐巴馬！”

770
00:38:53,960 --> 00:38:56,800
‎我跑掉了！

771
00:39:02,440 --> 00:39:06,200
‎後來我再也沒有用種族歧視這招

772
00:39:06,280 --> 00:39:07,840
‎只有一個例外

773
00:39:08,360 --> 00:39:10,360
‎先來聊聊我的背景

774
00:39:10,440 --> 00:39:14,000
‎我其實很少提到或想到這件事

775
00:39:14,080 --> 00:39:16,000
‎因為我不想把自己綁死

776
00:39:16,080 --> 00:39:19,240
‎但我瞭解為何很多人會思考個人背景

777
00:39:19,320 --> 00:39:20,960
‎以及這一點的重要性

778
00:39:21,040 --> 00:39:23,720
‎我最近到市區散步

779
00:39:23,800 --> 00:39:26,560
‎有個真正的非洲黑人走過去

780
00:39:27,160 --> 00:39:28,120
‎他走著走著

781
00:39:29,520 --> 00:39:30,360
‎看著我

782
00:39:33,360 --> 00:39:34,880
‎點點頭，然後走過去

783
00:39:35,520 --> 00:39:39,440
‎我想：“搞什麼？他一定認錯人了”

784
00:39:39,960 --> 00:39:43,560
‎幾分鐘後，又一個非洲黑人經過

785
00:39:43,640 --> 00:39:44,480
‎他走著走著

786
00:39:45,840 --> 00:39:46,840
‎看著我

787
00:39:48,720 --> 00:39:49,760
‎然後走過去

788
00:39:49,840 --> 00:39:54,880
‎那時我突然想通了
‎他在說：“嗨，兄弟！

789
00:39:56,320 --> 00:39:58,360
‎我們吃過同樣的苦

790
00:39:59,440 --> 00:40:00,880
‎當黑奴之類的”

791
00:40:01,360 --> 00:40:03,400
‎後來我突然良心不安

792
00:40:03,480 --> 00:40:05,800
‎因為我爸媽是埃及人

793
00:40:07,160 --> 00:40:09,120
‎你們聽過金字塔嗎？

794
00:40:10,000 --> 00:40:12,600
‎老哥，奴隸制度是我們發明的！

795
00:40:13,760 --> 00:40:15,160
‎這就…

796
00:40:21,600 --> 00:40:25,280
‎老哥，這就好像我去跟殺人魔王說

797
00:40:25,360 --> 00:40:27,880
‎“我們要團結，有個殺人凶手在逃”

798
00:40:29,640 --> 00:40:34,200
‎但是幾年前，有證據出現

799
00:40:34,280 --> 00:40:36,440
‎表示金字塔的工人不是奴隸

800
00:40:36,520 --> 00:40:39,360
‎他們是收入不錯的工人

801
00:40:41,600 --> 00:40:45,680
‎我一聽到這個就想：“假的”

802
00:40:46,880 --> 00:40:51,840
‎我知道埃及人的做法
‎一定有哪個人捏造證據

803
00:40:53,520 --> 00:40:55,240
‎想要幫埃及漂白

804
00:40:56,440 --> 00:40:59,400
‎“我發誓，我剛剛找到這張莎草紙

805
00:41:01,560 --> 00:41:04,360
‎上面的象形文字說我們有給錢”

806
00:41:04,920 --> 00:41:06,360
‎“等一下！

807
00:41:07,480 --> 00:41:09,320
‎這是用奇異筆寫的耶！”

808
00:41:10,440 --> 00:41:12,200
‎“德國人怎麼這麼死板？

809
00:41:20,960 --> 00:41:23,320
‎奇異筆是我們埃及人發明的！”

810
00:41:24,080 --> 00:41:29,280
‎結果黑人還跟我點頭
‎還跟我打招呼這些的

811
00:41:30,640 --> 00:41:32,640
‎“我們吃過同樣的苦”

812
00:41:32,720 --> 00:41:35,840
‎我心想：“不對，老哥！你才很辛苦

813
00:41:36,320 --> 00:41:39,640
‎你屬於“讓我的人民離開”那一組

814
00:41:40,160 --> 00:41:41,160
‎我屬於…

815
00:41:42,320 --> 00:41:43,880
‎你們休想走！

816
00:41:46,880 --> 00:41:48,480
‎你們休想走

817
00:41:51,400 --> 00:41:52,360
‎免談！”

818
00:41:54,920 --> 00:41:57,080
‎為了避免這種尷尬的狀況

819
00:41:57,160 --> 00:42:00,160
‎免得有黑人跟我點頭，讓我良心不安

820
00:42:00,240 --> 00:42:03,320
‎現在只要有黑人看我，我就這樣走路

821
00:42:07,360 --> 00:42:09,040
‎有用耶！

822
00:42:09,680 --> 00:42:11,880
‎我知道很多人在想

823
00:42:11,960 --> 00:42:14,640
‎“上面這個人有點奇怪耶”

824
00:42:15,400 --> 00:42:17,840
‎你說得沒錯，完全正確

825
00:42:17,920 --> 00:42:21,840
‎你們知道我投票的主因是什麼嗎？

826
00:42:21,920 --> 00:42:22,840
‎我喜歡政治？

827
00:42:24,400 --> 00:42:27,400
‎我有一種喜歡打勾勾的怪癖

828
00:42:28,080 --> 00:42:30,200
‎不管什麼選項，勾就對了

829
00:42:30,280 --> 00:42:33,000
‎“海尼，你投給誰？社會民主黨嗎？”

830
00:42:33,520 --> 00:42:34,680
‎“其他黨也投了”

831
00:42:36,560 --> 00:42:38,960
‎我唸書時就有這個癖好

832
00:42:39,040 --> 00:42:42,640
‎真的，還記得有人在情書上寫
‎“是、否、也許”嗎？

833
00:42:43,800 --> 00:42:46,720
‎我拿到就全部打勾

834
00:42:47,240 --> 00:42:48,800
‎女生其實超愛的

835
00:42:48,880 --> 00:42:52,040
‎她們會想：“天啊，海尼好神秘喔”

836
00:42:52,800 --> 00:42:56,320
‎不對，我就像《神經妙探》的主角

837
00:42:57,240 --> 00:42:58,760
‎我還是不懂

838
00:42:58,840 --> 00:43:02,000
‎女人為什麼喜歡神秘的男人

839
00:43:02,080 --> 00:43:03,200
‎我真不懂

840
00:43:03,720 --> 00:43:07,800
‎各位小姐，神秘從來就不是一件好事

841
00:43:09,720 --> 00:43:12,600
‎妳們有看過哪個男人說

842
00:43:13,120 --> 00:43:14,840
‎“我要跟妳說個秘密

843
00:43:15,760 --> 00:43:17,520
‎我是個百萬富翁

844
00:43:19,160 --> 00:43:20,680
‎什麼？妳能接受嗎？

845
00:43:21,320 --> 00:43:23,680
‎總算有人對我的信用卡有興趣”

846
00:43:24,760 --> 00:43:25,840
‎沒有這種事！

847
00:43:26,480 --> 00:43:29,520
‎我的秘密就是愛在選項裡打勾

848
00:43:30,520 --> 00:43:33,240
‎這個勾勾會讓我完蛋

849
00:43:33,920 --> 00:43:37,800
‎你們知道我的保險有多貴嗎？

850
00:43:40,320 --> 00:43:42,600
‎這個表格毀了我！

851
00:43:43,400 --> 00:43:45,800
‎“請在目前已經有的疾病前打勾”

852
00:43:57,880 --> 00:43:59,080
‎幹！

853
00:44:00,840 --> 00:44:03,160
‎-“你有痔瘡嗎？”
‎-“現在有了”

854
00:44:05,040 --> 00:44:06,240
‎各位，可是…

855
00:44:06,320 --> 00:44:07,800
‎各位，說到投票

856
00:44:07,880 --> 00:44:10,160
‎我覺得投票非常重要

857
00:44:10,240 --> 00:44:13,280
‎目的只是為了抵銷納粹的票數

858
00:44:13,360 --> 00:44:15,640
‎因為很多白痴都能投票

859
00:44:15,720 --> 00:44:20,080
‎例如我最近在網路上
‎看到一個同性戀納粹

860
00:44:20,160 --> 00:44:21,240
‎同性戀納粹耶！

861
00:44:22,120 --> 00:44:24,000
‎他一本正經的說

862
00:44:25,240 --> 00:44:26,280
‎“天啊！

863
00:44:29,640 --> 00:44:31,120
‎這群穆斯林

864
00:44:32,080 --> 00:44:34,400
‎把好男人都搶走了！”

865
00:44:38,040 --> 00:44:39,200
‎好，中場休息！

866
00:44:40,160 --> 00:44:42,880
‎我覺得這種危機很容易解決

867
00:44:43,960 --> 00:44:47,080
‎我這輩子從來沒聽過有穆斯林說

868
00:44:47,600 --> 00:44:49,160
‎“兄弟，齋戒月結束後

869
00:44:49,680 --> 00:44:51,960
‎我要去吃很辣的香腸！”

870
00:45:00,160 --> 00:45:01,480
‎我沒看過！

871
00:45:01,560 --> 00:45:04,640
‎雖然沒看過，但誰知道？也許有

872
00:45:04,720 --> 00:45:06,280
‎什麼事都有可能

873
00:45:06,360 --> 00:45:10,760
‎畢竟我是在德國出生、黑皮膚

874
00:45:10,840 --> 00:45:13,000
‎又支持同性婚姻的阿拉伯人

875
00:45:13,080 --> 00:45:16,080
‎我的穆斯林爸媽還在學校念希伯來文

876
00:45:17,520 --> 00:45:19,840
‎什麼事都有可能

877
00:45:20,480 --> 00:45:21,520
‎沒有例外

878
00:45:23,360 --> 00:45:24,280
‎沒錯！

879
00:45:27,040 --> 00:45:28,800
‎而且我是個好人

880
00:45:30,600 --> 00:45:31,560
‎你在笑什麼？

881
00:45:32,520 --> 00:45:33,960
‎我真的是個好人

882
00:45:34,040 --> 00:45:36,560
‎不希望有人因為我而難堪

883
00:45:37,040 --> 00:45:38,880
‎例如不久前

884
00:45:38,960 --> 00:45:42,480
‎我跟一個女人打情罵俏
‎這種事每五年發生一次

885
00:45:43,000 --> 00:45:46,280
‎但是她並沒有…該怎麼說？心跳加速

886
00:45:46,360 --> 00:45:47,840
‎而是心跳停止

887
00:45:48,960 --> 00:45:52,960
‎她一開始跟我這麼說：“嗨，帥哥！

888
00:45:55,160 --> 00:45:56,560
‎把你的電話號碼給我”

889
00:45:56,640 --> 00:46:00,280
‎我實在說不出
‎“對不起，可是我拒絕恐龍”

890
00:46:01,080 --> 00:46:04,320
‎所以我必須隨機應變

891
00:46:05,080 --> 00:46:08,040
‎“抱歉！我只說法語不說德國語！”

892
00:46:08,800 --> 00:46:11,400
‎“喔，可是我會說法語！”

893
00:46:12,920 --> 00:46:16,840
‎“抱歉！我只說義大利語不說德語！”

894
00:46:17,400 --> 00:46:19,840
‎“喔，可是我會說義大利語！”

895
00:46:21,080 --> 00:46:22,040
‎靠！

896
00:46:22,560 --> 00:46:25,680
‎“抱歉！我只說土耳其語不說德語！”

897
00:46:27,200 --> 00:46:28,520
‎“我會說土耳其語！”

898
00:46:28,600 --> 00:46:29,920
‎我想：“殺了我吧！”

899
00:46:35,160 --> 00:46:36,160
‎各位！

900
00:46:37,560 --> 00:46:40,120
‎我脫不了身了！

901
00:46:40,640 --> 00:46:42,760
‎結果跟她交往了兩年

902
00:46:44,240 --> 00:46:45,280
‎各…

903
00:46:45,360 --> 00:46:46,560
‎各位！

904
00:46:46,640 --> 00:46:47,680
‎她以為…

905
00:46:48,680 --> 00:46:51,520
‎她以為我是比較黑的土耳其人

906
00:46:53,080 --> 00:46:54,560
‎有這種人嗎？

907
00:46:57,040 --> 00:46:58,480
‎我沒看過！

908
00:46:59,000 --> 00:46:59,840
‎從來沒看過！

909
00:46:59,920 --> 00:47:03,040
‎但是我最後還是成功跟她分了

910
00:47:03,120 --> 00:47:05,160
‎最後還是成功了

911
00:47:05,240 --> 00:47:08,040
‎只要等到最適當的時機

912
00:47:08,720 --> 00:47:09,600
‎“海尼！

913
00:47:10,200 --> 00:47:12,560
‎我叫你留給我一點巧克力的！”

914
00:47:14,920 --> 00:47:17,040
‎“妳剛剛叫我黑鬼嗎？”

915
00:47:17,120 --> 00:47:18,440
‎然後我就走了

916
00:47:20,480 --> 00:47:21,960
‎我叫海尼西安！

917
00:47:22,040 --> 00:47:23,520
‎各位太捧場了！

918
00:47:23,600 --> 00:47:25,000
‎各位太棒了！

919
00:47:25,080 --> 00:47:26,520
‎謝謝！

920
00:47:27,120 --> 00:47:29,080
‎謝謝，我愛你們！

921
00:47:29,680 --> 00:47:30,560
‎謝謝！

922
00:47:40,240 --> 00:47:41,200
‎各位來賓

923
00:47:41,280 --> 00:47:43,920
‎我們熱烈歡迎RebellComedy創辦人！

924
00:47:44,000 --> 00:47:47,720
‎他就是烏蘇芒果！

925
00:47:48,600 --> 00:47:49,720
‎大家好

926
00:47:50,600 --> 00:47:51,920
‎我太高興了！

927
00:47:54,120 --> 00:47:56,000
‎好棒，大家好

928
00:47:56,080 --> 00:47:57,760
‎各位科隆人還好嗎？

929
00:47:58,440 --> 00:48:00,720
‎非常好，很高興來到貴寶地

930
00:48:00,800 --> 00:48:03,000
‎真的，我想你們

931
00:48:03,080 --> 00:48:04,840
‎雖然我一個都不認識，但…

932
00:48:05,760 --> 00:48:08,880
‎我在想像中真的很想你們，大概

933
00:48:08,960 --> 00:48:11,360
‎我不知道…我很高興能來這裡

934
00:48:11,440 --> 00:48:14,960
‎我家有三個小孩，我現在有三個小孩

935
00:48:15,480 --> 00:48:18,960
‎我能來這裡真的超開心的，所以…

936
00:48:19,480 --> 00:48:21,720
‎真的超開心的…

937
00:48:22,640 --> 00:48:25,200
‎總算能解放一下了

938
00:48:26,160 --> 00:48:27,120
‎沒錯，大哥

939
00:48:27,760 --> 00:48:31,120
‎大部分人從RebellComedy知道
‎我有兩個孩子

940
00:48:31,200 --> 00:48:33,280
‎現在有三個，不知道怎麼搞的

941
00:48:33,360 --> 00:48:35,760
‎你們也許會知道

942
00:48:35,840 --> 00:48:37,000
‎我有三個小孩

943
00:48:37,080 --> 00:48:39,920
‎最大的女兒今年11歲

944
00:48:40,000 --> 00:48:41,000
‎我兒子九歲

945
00:48:41,080 --> 00:48:43,120
‎最小的女兒五歲

946
00:48:43,200 --> 00:48:45,360
‎我一直都提醒自己

947
00:48:45,440 --> 00:48:50,960
‎其他兩個都長好大了
‎但我覺得五歲這個年紀很棒

948
00:48:51,040 --> 00:48:52,120
‎真的很棒

949
00:48:52,200 --> 00:48:56,080
‎因為爸爸或媽媽每晚要送他們上床

950
00:48:56,160 --> 00:48:58,000
‎她沒有你會睡不著

951
00:48:58,080 --> 00:49:02,960
‎她和我非得完成一個儀式不可

952
00:49:03,480 --> 00:49:07,760
‎懂嗎？我要送她上床，然後講故事

953
00:49:07,840 --> 00:49:11,240
‎有時我會唱歌，有時我們會比賽

954
00:49:11,760 --> 00:49:14,000
‎很簡單的比賽，一來一往

955
00:49:14,080 --> 00:49:16,680
‎你們可能知道，是這樣的

956
00:49:16,760 --> 00:49:19,480
‎“爸爸，我愛你的程度就像…”

957
00:49:19,560 --> 00:49:22,160
‎她會說一樣東西，我必須贏過她

958
00:49:22,240 --> 00:49:25,600
‎她沒有人生經驗，所以每次都以為…

959
00:49:26,720 --> 00:49:29,200
‎她每次都以為能贏我

960
00:49:29,280 --> 00:49:31,360
‎她以為自己比我厲害

961
00:49:32,680 --> 00:49:35,120
‎妳當然不知道，妳是老三

962
00:49:36,080 --> 00:49:39,120
‎妳是老三，我要玩死妳

963
00:49:39,840 --> 00:49:41,320
‎這樣說吧…

964
00:49:41,400 --> 00:49:43,520
‎有的人是老兵，我是老爸

965
00:49:44,160 --> 00:49:46,280
‎我什麼都行，妳贏不了的

966
00:49:46,360 --> 00:49:47,280
‎算了吧

967
00:49:47,360 --> 00:49:48,600
‎我就是這麼做的

968
00:49:48,680 --> 00:49:50,280
‎最近我又重施故技

969
00:49:50,360 --> 00:49:53,240
‎我送她上床，但是我很趕

970
00:49:53,320 --> 00:49:56,560
‎你們也知道很不耐煩
‎又沒時間的感覺吧？

971
00:49:56,640 --> 00:49:59,120
‎她有感覺，小孩馬上就感應到

972
00:49:59,200 --> 00:50:01,960
‎她注意到了：“他有事情，還有表演

973
00:50:02,040 --> 00:50:03,760
‎我就偏要讓他待久點

974
00:50:03,840 --> 00:50:05,360
‎把他拖住”

975
00:50:05,440 --> 00:50:06,920
‎然後她說

976
00:50:07,000 --> 00:50:09,480
‎-“爸爸，可以玩遊戲嗎？”
‎-“好啊”

977
00:50:09,560 --> 00:50:10,920
‎然後她就開始這樣

978
00:50:12,160 --> 00:50:17,160
‎“爸爸，我愛你的程度
‎就像天上的星星這麼多”

979
00:50:20,360 --> 00:50:23,560
‎你們知道我聽過幾次天上的星星嗎？

980
00:50:24,080 --> 00:50:26,880
‎連夜店的辣妹都沒我聽過這麼多次

981
00:50:26,960 --> 00:50:30,800
‎懂嗎？這時我想：“拜託來點新鮮的”

982
00:50:31,360 --> 00:50:33,360
‎我心裡在想…

983
00:50:33,440 --> 00:50:36,240
‎我跟她說：“妳好愛我喔”

984
00:50:36,320 --> 00:50:37,880
‎但我心裡想

985
00:50:37,960 --> 00:50:39,120
‎“這樣好遜！”

986
00:50:39,600 --> 00:50:42,680
‎爛台詞，我沒聽過這麼遜的

987
00:50:42,760 --> 00:50:45,560
‎我有一點失望，但我…

988
00:50:45,640 --> 00:50:47,920
‎我說：“妳好愛我喔

989
00:50:48,000 --> 00:50:53,960
‎可是我愛妳的程度
‎就像整個銀河系的星星一樣多”

990
00:50:54,040 --> 00:50:56,920
‎她說：“這樣一定超多的吧？”

991
00:50:57,000 --> 00:50:58,880
‎我說：“對”，然後她繼續

992
00:50:58,960 --> 00:51:04,440
‎“爸爸，我愛你的程度
‎就像沙坑裡的沙子那麼多”

993
00:51:05,160 --> 00:51:06,080
‎我心想

994
00:51:06,600 --> 00:51:09,760
‎“有這麼多東西
‎妳偏要挑最小的沙坑？

995
00:51:10,960 --> 00:51:13,160
‎拜託，只要挑…算了，隨便！”

996
00:51:13,240 --> 00:51:14,640
‎“這樣好多喔

997
00:51:14,720 --> 00:51:19,720
‎我愛妳的程度
‎就像沙灘上的沙子這麼多”

998
00:51:19,800 --> 00:51:22,480
‎她說：“哇，這樣好多對吧？”

999
00:51:22,560 --> 00:51:24,480
‎我說：“對啊，這樣超多的！”

1000
00:51:25,520 --> 00:51:27,400
‎然後她說：“我還有

1001
00:51:27,480 --> 00:51:29,000
‎爸爸，我愛你的程度

1002
00:51:29,080 --> 00:51:32,760
‎就像沙灘和海底的沙子這麼多

1003
00:51:32,840 --> 00:51:34,040
‎海底也有沙子喔

1004
00:51:34,120 --> 00:51:37,720
‎還有沙烏地阿拉伯的沙漠”

1005
00:51:37,800 --> 00:51:41,080
‎我心想：“哇，挺不錯的嘛”

1006
00:51:41,160 --> 00:51:43,120
‎可是我沒時間了

1007
00:51:43,200 --> 00:51:44,560
‎火燒屁股了

1008
00:51:44,640 --> 00:51:47,400
‎我心想：“雖然要尊重，我還是得走”

1009
00:51:47,480 --> 00:51:51,400
‎但是我要給她最後一擊，讓她睡覺

1010
00:51:51,480 --> 00:51:53,360
‎不是一擊必殺，而是…

1011
00:51:53,440 --> 00:51:57,040
‎而是一擊必睡，我要給她…

1012
00:51:57,120 --> 00:51:59,280
‎讓她一擊必睡

1013
00:51:59,360 --> 00:52:03,520
‎我說：“女兒，我愛妳的程度就像…

1014
00:52:03,600 --> 00:52:05,600
‎我愛妳的程度就像

1015
00:52:06,200 --> 00:52:10,240
‎德國突然又有種族歧視的人那麼多”

1016
00:52:18,040 --> 00:52:19,160
‎然後她說

1017
00:52:19,240 --> 00:52:21,360
‎“真的嗎？爸爸，這麼多？

1018
00:52:22,200 --> 00:52:24,120
‎對耶，我也是，爸爸”

1019
00:52:26,280 --> 00:52:28,040
‎馬上睡著

1020
00:52:28,640 --> 00:52:30,560
‎我很高興…

1021
00:52:30,640 --> 00:52:31,480
‎太扯了

1022
00:52:31,560 --> 00:52:35,600
‎我每次講到動物園就會提小朋友

1023
00:52:35,680 --> 00:52:38,760
‎我上次去動物園就是帶著孩子

1024
00:52:38,840 --> 00:52:40,840
‎但是老么還沒出生

1025
00:52:40,920 --> 00:52:42,840
‎那時只有兩個小孩

1026
00:52:42,920 --> 00:52:43,880
‎超扯的

1027
00:52:43,960 --> 00:52:46,920
‎我們三個一起去科隆動物園

1028
00:52:47,000 --> 00:52:48,600
‎不曉得你們知不知道

1029
00:52:48,680 --> 00:52:53,080
‎光是買科隆動物園的三張門票

1030
00:52:53,160 --> 00:52:55,080
‎就會讓你破產

1031
00:52:55,160 --> 00:52:57,400
‎裡面的每樣東西也很貴

1032
00:52:57,480 --> 00:52:59,920
‎炸薯條要5000歐元

1033
00:53:00,000 --> 00:53:02,560
‎填充玩具要100萬，貴到翻掉

1034
00:53:02,640 --> 00:53:07,040
‎我們進去時，我抓住他們的頭
‎不讓他們看到那些東西

1035
00:53:07,120 --> 00:53:08,320
‎-“不要看”
‎-“為什麼？”

1036
00:53:08,400 --> 00:53:09,880
‎“真主說不行，只看…

1037
00:53:10,640 --> 00:53:13,080
‎別看就對了，看動物就好”

1038
00:53:18,040 --> 00:53:20,280
‎我說：“看動物”

1039
00:53:20,360 --> 00:53:21,680
‎他們就看動物

1040
00:53:21,760 --> 00:53:24,040
‎這時我在看地圖

1041
00:53:24,120 --> 00:53:27,240
‎在想可以去哪裡，不是看動物

1042
00:53:27,320 --> 00:53:30,680
‎你們知道動物園都會有氣球小販嗎？

1043
00:53:31,520 --> 00:53:32,480
‎知道他嗎？

1044
00:53:32,560 --> 00:53:35,120
‎有個人專門賣超多氣球

1045
00:53:35,200 --> 00:53:36,720
‎都是充氦氣的氣球

1046
00:53:36,800 --> 00:53:39,000
‎我恨死這傢伙了

1047
00:53:39,080 --> 00:53:41,120
‎我恨他入骨

1048
00:53:41,200 --> 00:53:43,560
‎因為一顆氣球要6歐元

1049
00:53:44,160 --> 00:53:47,960
‎貴死人，某個年紀的小孩只要看到他

1050
00:53:48,040 --> 00:53:50,440
‎就想要，我又不能拒絕

1051
00:53:50,520 --> 00:53:53,560
‎我知道不能拒絕，然後還要花6歐元

1052
00:53:53,640 --> 00:53:55,800
‎這種東西只要手一放

1053
00:53:55,880 --> 00:53:57,600
‎就會飄到外太空

1054
00:53:58,080 --> 00:54:00,360
‎然後你的6歐元就會到太空

1055
00:54:00,840 --> 00:54:03,440
‎我想：“好”，然後我的計畫奏效

1056
00:54:03,520 --> 00:54:04,600
‎沒看到他

1057
00:54:04,680 --> 00:54:07,840
‎結果他就站在出口

1058
00:54:08,360 --> 00:54:09,840
‎就像電玩的大魔王

1059
00:54:09,920 --> 00:54:13,560
‎他在那裡對著我笑，笑得我心裡發毛

1060
00:54:14,280 --> 00:54:17,840
‎帶著一堆氣球，滿臉笑容
‎和藹可親，我心想

1061
00:54:17,920 --> 00:54:20,840
‎“我恨死他了，混帳傢伙”

1062
00:54:21,320 --> 00:54:23,040
‎我的小孩馬上看到他

1063
00:54:23,120 --> 00:54:24,640
‎-“爸爸，氣球”
‎-“不行”

1064
00:54:24,720 --> 00:54:28,840
‎-“爸爸，拜託，一個就好！”
‎-“好吧”

1065
00:54:29,560 --> 00:54:30,720
‎我恨死他了

1066
00:54:30,800 --> 00:54:33,440
‎我們走過去，我問兒子

1067
00:54:33,520 --> 00:54:35,560
‎-“哪一個？”
‎-“建築師巴布”

1068
00:54:35,640 --> 00:54:37,600
‎“好，一個建築師巴布”

1069
00:54:37,680 --> 00:54:39,120
‎所以我拿著繩子

1070
00:54:39,760 --> 00:54:42,320
‎在他手腕上綁一個結

1071
00:54:42,400 --> 00:54:44,400
‎免得6歐元飛到太空

1072
00:54:44,480 --> 00:54:46,800
‎所以我在他手上綁個大結

1073
00:54:46,880 --> 00:54:48,000
‎他的手就撲撲跳…

1074
00:54:50,600 --> 00:54:53,480
‎然後我問我女兒：“妳要什麼？”

1075
00:54:53,560 --> 00:54:55,560
‎-“芭比！”
‎-“麻煩一個芭比”

1076
00:54:55,640 --> 00:54:57,880
‎我拿起來準備綁個結

1077
00:54:57,960 --> 00:54:59,280
‎各位必須瞭解

1078
00:54:59,360 --> 00:55:02,920
‎她只有兩歲，想要摸氣球

1079
00:55:03,000 --> 00:55:06,440
‎所以她說：“我長大了
‎不必打結，別擔心”

1080
00:55:06,520 --> 00:55:09,520
‎-“不行，我要打結”
‎-“不用，我可以的，我敢發誓“

1081
00:55:09,600 --> 00:55:11,400
‎“好，但妳要抓好喔”

1082
00:55:11,480 --> 00:55:16,320
‎他們一拿到氣球，我就變成大將軍

1083
00:55:16,400 --> 00:55:18,760
‎一直檢查：“氣球呢？”

1084
00:55:18,840 --> 00:55:20,560
‎他們說：“在我手腕上”

1085
00:55:20,640 --> 00:55:23,000
‎-“抓好喔！”
‎-“好，爸爸，沒問題”

1086
00:55:23,880 --> 00:55:25,680
‎我只有一個任務

1087
00:55:25,760 --> 00:55:28,560
‎那個人說：“12歐元”
‎我說：“你會有報應”

1088
00:55:29,800 --> 00:55:32,680
‎我必須把他們從出口送上車

1089
00:55:32,760 --> 00:55:35,720
‎但不能讓任何一人把6歐元送上太空

1090
00:55:35,800 --> 00:55:38,560
‎這就是我的任務，我只想上車

1091
00:55:38,640 --> 00:55:43,200
‎我們走到車旁邊、打開門
‎小鬼上車、氣球上車、關門

1092
00:55:43,280 --> 00:55:46,920
‎現在是另一邊：開門
‎小鬼上車、氣球上車、關門

1093
00:55:49,160 --> 00:55:50,080
‎後來我就放鬆了

1094
00:55:50,160 --> 00:55:52,640
‎這是我唯一放鬆的時刻

1095
00:55:52,720 --> 00:55:55,720
‎我打開門、上車、揚長而去

1096
00:55:55,800 --> 00:56:00,160
‎回家路上都在想，這次出遊真奇怪

1097
00:56:00,240 --> 00:56:02,680
‎荷包大失血

1098
00:56:02,760 --> 00:56:07,920
‎我開始心算：“進去100萬
‎氣球要12歐元”

1099
00:56:08,000 --> 00:56:11,120
‎而且連獅子都沒看到，根本就是土匪

1100
00:56:11,960 --> 00:56:14,200
‎總算到家了

1101
00:56:14,280 --> 00:56:16,080
‎我又變成大將軍：“氣球呢？”

1102
00:56:16,160 --> 00:56:17,240
‎-“在這裡”
‎-“抓好”

1103
00:56:17,320 --> 00:56:18,760
‎“是，爸爸，我抓好了”

1104
00:56:18,840 --> 00:56:20,160
‎我兒子他…

1105
00:56:20,240 --> 00:56:22,120
‎他好驕傲，因為他有打結

1106
00:56:22,200 --> 00:56:23,360
‎我說：“好”

1107
00:56:23,440 --> 00:56:27,160
‎我進家裡，兒子也進去，氣球進去

1108
00:56:27,240 --> 00:56:29,920
‎我女兒走得超級慢：“我有抓好！”

1109
00:56:30,000 --> 00:56:32,120
‎然後突然手就放開了

1110
00:56:33,080 --> 00:56:34,920
‎距離門口只有1公尺

1111
00:56:35,000 --> 00:56:37,120
‎“爸爸，我的氣球！

1112
00:56:37,200 --> 00:56:39,520
‎爸爸，對不起！

1113
00:56:39,600 --> 00:56:41,400
‎我的氣球！”

1114
00:56:41,480 --> 00:56:43,720
‎我兒子就…

1115
00:56:49,480 --> 00:56:50,720
‎我說：“很好”

1116
00:56:51,440 --> 00:56:54,120
‎兒子還是很嗨，可是女兒哭不停

1117
00:56:54,200 --> 00:56:55,760
‎兒子受不了了

1118
00:56:55,840 --> 00:56:59,280
‎因為他心很軟，不忍心看姊姊一直哭

1119
00:56:59,360 --> 00:57:00,760
‎到最後他說

1120
00:57:00,840 --> 00:57:02,560
‎“我的給妳！”

1121
00:57:03,440 --> 00:57:06,000
‎我想：“太扯，這孩子怎麼這麼好！

1122
00:57:06,080 --> 00:57:09,200
‎太仁慈了，我想跟他一樣
‎換你當爸爸好了

1123
00:57:10,040 --> 00:57:11,920
‎真的，他超讚的”

1124
00:57:12,000 --> 00:57:13,160
‎結果她說

1125
00:57:13,240 --> 00:57:15,160
‎“不要，那個氣球好醜”

1126
00:57:16,240 --> 00:57:18,160
‎我說：“妳怎麼這樣啊？”

1127
00:57:18,920 --> 00:57:22,040
‎但我又不能氣她
‎她一直哭，我也很不忍心

1128
00:57:22,120 --> 00:57:25,520
‎可是我安慰不了她
‎兒子也沒辦法安撫她

1129
00:57:25,600 --> 00:57:28,560
‎最後我兒子再也忍不住了，他說

1130
00:57:29,640 --> 00:57:32,520
‎“那我也不要我的氣球了！”

1131
00:57:34,320 --> 00:57:37,120
‎然後把氣球丟到空中

1132
00:57:37,200 --> 00:57:40,440
‎我站在那裡說：“12歐元上太空了！

1133
00:57:41,240 --> 00:57:43,760
‎拜託，你們兩個在耍我嗎？”

1134
00:57:44,520 --> 00:57:46,640
‎不是，我是說真的

1135
00:57:46,720 --> 00:57:49,200
‎真的有這件事，我沒亂講

1136
00:57:49,280 --> 00:57:51,320
‎你看到兒子做那件事時

1137
00:57:51,400 --> 00:57:52,520
‎他做出那種事

1138
00:57:52,600 --> 00:57:54,520
‎當爸爸的一定會感動

1139
00:57:55,040 --> 00:57:57,560
‎結果我突然淚流滿面

1140
00:57:57,640 --> 00:57:59,000
‎我也開始哭了

1141
00:57:59,520 --> 00:58:03,760
‎我兒子慢慢想到
‎他再也看不到建築師巴布了

1142
00:58:04,840 --> 00:58:06,760
‎所以開始哭

1143
00:58:06,840 --> 00:58:09,600
‎我們三人出去玩後哭成一團

1144
00:58:10,720 --> 00:58:12,000
‎大家都在哭

1145
00:58:12,080 --> 00:58:14,080
‎我問：“這次出去好玩嗎？”

1146
00:58:14,160 --> 00:58:15,840
‎“好玩，爸爸”

1147
00:58:15,920 --> 00:58:19,600
‎-“還要去動物園嗎？”
‎-“還要，爸爸”

1148
00:58:20,680 --> 00:58:22,440
‎後來就沒去過了

1149
00:58:22,520 --> 00:58:25,160
‎我再也沒帶他們去動物園了

1150
00:58:25,240 --> 00:58:26,160
‎我就是這樣

1151
00:58:26,240 --> 00:58:29,800
‎我不知道各位怎樣，但我想過了

1152
00:58:30,440 --> 00:58:31,640
‎打死不去

1153
00:58:31,720 --> 00:58:32,760
‎各位科隆人好

1154
00:58:32,840 --> 00:58:35,000
‎謝謝各位，我叫烏蘇芒果

1155
00:58:35,080 --> 00:58:36,560
‎RebellComedy，請保重！

1156
00:58:41,680 --> 00:58:42,640
‎各位來賓

1157
00:58:42,720 --> 00:58:45,520
‎讓我們鼓掌歡迎RebellComedy的傳奇

1158
00:58:45,600 --> 00:58:47,440
‎巴奈薩朗胡巴！

1159
00:59:06,480 --> 00:59:07,640
‎謝謝！

1160
00:59:07,720 --> 00:59:09,200
‎謝謝，超讚的！

1161
00:59:09,280 --> 00:59:12,080
‎能來這裡太好了，真的

1162
00:59:12,160 --> 00:59:17,080
‎能在這種時候公演
‎我真的很高興，你們知道嗎？

1163
00:59:17,680 --> 00:59:20,160
‎我上次是在車子前面表演

1164
00:59:21,800 --> 00:59:24,920
‎我學到一件事，不要跟車子講話

1165
00:59:25,960 --> 00:59:27,760
‎除非你是霹靂遊俠李麥克

1166
00:59:27,840 --> 00:59:29,240
‎否則還是算了

1167
00:59:29,320 --> 00:59:31,120
‎不要跟車子講話

1168
00:59:31,200 --> 00:59:34,520
‎那次是汽車電影院活動
‎我覺得很不錯

1169
00:59:34,600 --> 00:59:35,920
‎他們想看電影

1170
00:59:36,000 --> 00:59:39,080
‎但他們看的是《迷惑諧星》
‎現正上映中

1171
00:59:39,640 --> 00:59:42,560
‎對我來說很慘，迷惑的是我

1172
00:59:42,640 --> 00:59:45,280
‎跟汽車講話是行不通的

1173
00:59:45,360 --> 00:59:46,960
‎觀眾當然想講話

1174
00:59:47,040 --> 00:59:49,600
‎可是我不知道他們要我講什麼

1175
00:59:49,680 --> 00:59:52,600
‎你知道他們怎麼鼓掌嗎？

1176
00:59:53,480 --> 00:59:54,840
‎對，他們按喇叭！

1177
00:59:55,480 --> 00:59:56,480
‎他們按喇叭

1178
00:59:56,560 --> 00:59:58,320
‎我在台上講笑話

1179
00:59:58,400 --> 01:00:01,040
‎他們想笑，你知道他們怎麼笑嗎？

1180
01:00:01,120 --> 01:00:03,440
‎沒錯，他們也是按喇叭

1181
01:00:04,640 --> 01:00:08,040
‎有時我講的笑話他們不喜歡，想噓我

1182
01:00:08,120 --> 01:00:09,000
‎怎麼噓？

1183
01:00:09,880 --> 01:00:11,360
‎對，他們按喇叭

1184
01:00:12,440 --> 01:00:16,440
‎過了十分鐘後
‎我根本搞不懂他們喜不喜歡

1185
01:00:16,920 --> 01:00:18,880
‎場面一片混亂

1186
01:00:19,680 --> 01:00:21,880
‎大家用喇叭溝通

1187
01:00:21,960 --> 01:00:24,240
‎笑聲是不能用喇叭取代的

1188
01:00:24,320 --> 01:00:28,080
‎笑聲是世界上最美妙的聲音

1189
01:00:29,000 --> 01:00:29,840
‎太好聽了

1190
01:00:30,520 --> 01:00:31,560
‎對

1191
01:00:33,040 --> 01:00:33,880
‎另一個則是…

1192
01:00:35,920 --> 01:00:37,160
‎這是警告訊號

1193
01:00:37,240 --> 01:00:38,720
‎我聽到時嚇壞了

1194
01:00:39,200 --> 01:00:42,440
‎用這種方式回應笑話是行不通的

1195
01:00:42,520 --> 01:00:44,360
‎“喂！你聽過這個笑話嗎？

1196
01:00:45,080 --> 01:00:46,960
‎波蘭人在冰上做什麼？

1197
01:00:47,040 --> 01:00:49,000
‎他想破冰啊！”

1198
01:00:53,520 --> 01:00:54,760
‎這是不行的

1199
01:00:54,840 --> 01:00:57,320
‎不過我得說，這要看笑話性質

1200
01:00:57,400 --> 01:01:01,480
‎觀眾裡必須有波蘭人
‎這個笑話才好笑

1201
01:01:02,040 --> 01:01:04,600
‎但如果有波蘭人，就不會有喇叭聲

1202
01:01:06,560 --> 01:01:09,480
‎因為車子早就被他們偷光了

1203
01:01:11,680 --> 01:01:14,760
‎你們喜歡廉價的刻板印象嗎？

1204
01:01:14,840 --> 01:01:15,800
‎你們喜歡

1205
01:01:15,880 --> 01:01:18,560
‎我也是，沒關係，大家都愛刻板印象

1206
01:01:18,640 --> 01:01:22,560
‎但刻板印象是假的
‎我認識幾千個波蘭人都不偷東西

1207
01:01:22,640 --> 01:01:25,400
‎但我們想聽：“波蘭人愛偷東西”

1208
01:01:25,480 --> 01:01:28,920
‎我們想聽：“阿拉伯人都有大鬍子
‎還有四個老婆”

1209
01:01:29,000 --> 01:01:31,600
‎我們想聽
‎“阿爾巴尼亞人都在工地做工”

1210
01:01:32,920 --> 01:01:34,000
‎我們想聽這些

1211
01:01:34,080 --> 01:01:36,280
‎不一定是真的，但我們喜歡

1212
01:01:36,360 --> 01:01:40,320
‎我們是人，喜歡貼標籤
‎“這樣比較輕鬆”

1213
01:01:40,400 --> 01:01:43,240
‎我們就喜歡這樣，所以才去動物園

1214
01:01:43,320 --> 01:01:46,640
‎我們想在動物園
‎用自己喜歡的方式看動物

1215
01:01:46,720 --> 01:01:48,400
‎對，我們想看獅子

1216
01:01:48,480 --> 01:01:51,000
‎為什麼？因為獅子是萬獸之王

1217
01:01:51,080 --> 01:01:53,560
‎因為獅子有很像皇冠的鬃毛

1218
01:01:53,640 --> 01:01:55,640
‎是叢林之王

1219
01:01:55,720 --> 01:01:58,240
‎幫幫忙，牠住大草原，不是叢林

1220
01:01:58,960 --> 01:02:00,280
‎牠整天做什麼？

1221
01:02:00,360 --> 01:02:04,440
‎整天坐著，頭上有鬃毛
‎還有大鬍子和四個老婆

1222
01:02:04,520 --> 01:02:06,480
‎比阿拉伯人還像阿拉伯人

1223
01:02:12,240 --> 01:02:14,520
‎獅子才不是什麼王呢

1224
01:02:15,040 --> 01:02:18,800
‎叢林裡的國王是大猩猩
‎你們看大猩猩，乖乖！

1225
01:02:18,880 --> 01:02:20,040
‎超大隻的！

1226
01:02:20,600 --> 01:02:21,640
‎全身都是肌肉！

1227
01:02:21,720 --> 01:02:25,640
‎這才是叢林之王
‎牠是大金剛，牠才是國王

1228
01:02:25,720 --> 01:02:27,960
‎大猩猩把獅子當衛生紙擦

1229
01:02:28,760 --> 01:02:30,000
‎幹他媽的

1230
01:02:30,080 --> 01:02:32,360
‎“小子，鬃毛拿過來！”

1231
01:02:32,880 --> 01:02:35,240
‎真是瘋了，大猩猩，老哥…

1232
01:02:35,320 --> 01:02:37,480
‎銀背大猩猩…你看這種動物

1233
01:02:38,000 --> 01:02:41,840
‎超大隻的，全身都是肌肉，人見人怕

1234
01:02:41,920 --> 01:02:43,240
‎你們看過《大金剛》沒？

1235
01:02:43,320 --> 01:02:45,840
‎大家都怕大猩猩會吃掉他們

1236
01:02:45,920 --> 01:02:47,040
‎又是刻板印象

1237
01:02:48,000 --> 01:02:51,280
‎大猩猩會跑去吃人嗎？牠們超溫馴的

1238
01:02:52,160 --> 01:02:53,320
‎牠們吃素耶

1239
01:02:54,600 --> 01:02:55,880
‎但我們不想看這一面！

1240
01:02:55,960 --> 01:03:00,240
‎我們想要刻板印象，看動物園的猴子

1241
01:03:00,320 --> 01:03:01,640
‎可是動物園裡的猴子

1242
01:03:01,720 --> 01:03:04,880
‎跟野外的猴子完全不同

1243
01:03:04,960 --> 01:03:08,080
‎動物園裡的猴子有暖氣

1244
01:03:09,120 --> 01:03:12,800
‎飯來張口，有藥可吃，還有社會福利

1245
01:03:14,160 --> 01:03:15,400
‎跟真正的…

1246
01:03:23,760 --> 01:03:26,440
‎跟真正的猴子完全不同

1247
01:03:26,520 --> 01:03:30,360
‎都是我們想像的
‎可是我們要看動物園裡的猴子

1248
01:03:30,440 --> 01:03:31,920
‎我們要看什麼？

1249
01:03:32,000 --> 01:03:33,760
‎看牠們吃香蕉

1250
01:03:34,600 --> 01:03:35,680
‎對

1251
01:03:35,760 --> 01:03:39,800
‎你們知道吃過香蕉的猴子很少嗎？

1252
01:03:40,320 --> 01:03:43,400
‎猴子幾乎就像東德人

1253
01:03:44,360 --> 01:03:47,280
‎香蕉太稀少了，猴子根本沒看過

1254
01:03:47,360 --> 01:03:50,440
‎我們真的以為猴子都想吃香蕉

1255
01:03:50,520 --> 01:03:54,520
‎我們這點也搞錯了
‎我們以為猴子是這樣吃香蕉

1256
01:03:58,640 --> 01:03:59,880
‎鬼扯！

1257
01:03:59,960 --> 01:04:02,480
‎猴子吃香蕉是這樣咬的

1258
01:04:03,840 --> 01:04:06,360
‎全都是我們幻想的，真的

1259
01:04:06,440 --> 01:04:08,080
‎人也是一樣

1260
01:04:08,640 --> 01:04:10,080
‎我們代表了

1261
01:04:10,160 --> 01:04:12,680
‎我們的祖國或父母的祖國

1262
01:04:12,760 --> 01:04:14,280
‎但我們並不一樣

1263
01:04:14,360 --> 01:04:16,480
‎我不是摩洛哥人

1264
01:04:17,080 --> 01:04:18,760
‎我是動物園版的摩洛哥人

1265
01:04:19,680 --> 01:04:22,920
‎我代表我根本就不太瞭解的東西

1266
01:04:23,000 --> 01:04:25,720
‎我成天講摩洛哥和摩洛哥人

1267
01:04:25,800 --> 01:04:29,120
‎可是有的德國人比我還瞭解摩洛哥

1268
01:04:29,640 --> 01:04:32,600
‎正港摩洛哥人看到我講笑話會說

1269
01:04:32,680 --> 01:04:36,600
‎“我這輩子從來沒見過那種事”

1270
01:04:36,680 --> 01:04:37,600
‎好，他會說

1271
01:04:37,680 --> 01:04:40,080
‎“我這輩子

1272
01:04:40,800 --> 01:04:43,040
‎從來沒見過那種事！”

1273
01:04:45,480 --> 01:04:46,560
‎天啊！

1274
01:04:49,280 --> 01:04:51,800
‎我們需要這些刻板印象

1275
01:04:52,320 --> 01:04:55,360
‎所以我寧願不要，我講個笑話

1276
01:04:55,440 --> 01:04:59,840
‎我有一次跟一個好朋友上義大利餐廳

1277
01:04:59,920 --> 01:05:00,840
‎他是德國人

1278
01:05:01,360 --> 01:05:04,240
‎那個德國人跟我去義大利餐廳

1279
01:05:04,320 --> 01:05:07,920
‎五分鐘後，我發現服務生是摩洛哥人

1280
01:05:08,000 --> 01:05:09,760
‎因為他有法語口音

1281
01:05:10,560 --> 01:05:12,280
‎所以我想…

1282
01:05:12,360 --> 01:05:14,640
‎他的德語講得不太好

1283
01:05:14,720 --> 01:05:15,920
‎可是我又想

1284
01:05:16,400 --> 01:05:19,640
‎“講摩洛哥語比較快
‎可是這樣會很尷尬”

1285
01:05:19,720 --> 01:05:22,320
‎因為如果我跟他講摩洛哥語

1286
01:05:22,400 --> 01:05:24,680
‎我的德國朋友會覺得被排斥

1287
01:05:24,760 --> 01:05:26,760
‎我們在搞摩洛哥小圈圈

1288
01:05:26,840 --> 01:05:30,440
‎其他客人會發現他們不是義大利人

1289
01:05:31,440 --> 01:05:33,560
‎結果通心粉突然變成摩洛哥粉了

1290
01:05:34,680 --> 01:05:37,200
‎我不要這樣，所以繼續講德語

1291
01:05:37,280 --> 01:05:40,440
‎問題是我點了沙拉

1292
01:05:40,520 --> 01:05:45,240
‎但是結球萵苣裡殘留了一點保鮮膜

1293
01:05:46,080 --> 01:05:50,560
‎可能有包裝材料殘留在結球萵苣裡

1294
01:05:51,080 --> 01:05:54,560
‎我說：“嗨，這裡有保鮮膜

1295
01:05:54,640 --> 01:05:56,280
‎可以拿走嗎？”

1296
01:05:56,360 --> 01:05:58,400
‎他把保鮮膜挑掉就走

1297
01:05:59,720 --> 01:06:01,440
‎我心想：“他真的是摩洛哥人”

1298
01:06:03,160 --> 01:06:05,440
‎我說：“兄弟，把沙拉拿走吧

1299
01:06:05,520 --> 01:06:09,320
‎裡面有塑膠，不能吃，不然會生病”

1300
01:06:09,400 --> 01:06:13,360
‎我以為他本來想說：“你不會生病”

1301
01:06:13,440 --> 01:06:17,160
‎只是不小心講成：“並不會，幹你娘”

1302
01:06:25,240 --> 01:06:26,240
‎我說：“兄弟

1303
01:06:26,320 --> 01:06:28,520
‎你應該是說我不會生病吧？”

1304
01:06:28,600 --> 01:06:32,680
‎他說：“你沒聽錯
‎我就是說幹你娘，我操！”

1305
01:06:34,120 --> 01:06:35,200
‎不可思議

1306
01:06:37,080 --> 01:06:40,240
‎我說過，我是動物園版的摩洛哥人

1307
01:06:40,760 --> 01:06:42,280
‎我有參加足球隊

1308
01:06:42,360 --> 01:06:45,760
‎我參加球隊後
‎才知道自己是動物園版的摩洛哥人

1309
01:06:45,840 --> 01:06:50,360
‎摩洛哥的正版摩洛哥人
‎都在馬路上光腳踢球

1310
01:06:50,440 --> 01:06:51,320
‎超強的球員

1311
01:06:51,400 --> 01:06:54,960
‎我兩個小表弟很厲害
‎他們就在馬路上光腳踢球

1312
01:06:55,040 --> 01:06:58,080
‎以他們實力，一定能加入德國代表隊

1313
01:06:58,160 --> 01:07:02,920
‎我在德國是韋克霍芬球隊的二線球員

1314
01:07:03,000 --> 01:07:04,840
‎我是史上最爛的球員

1315
01:07:04,920 --> 01:07:07,760
‎在摩洛哥時還不能跟表弟一起踢球

1316
01:07:07,840 --> 01:07:10,280
‎我爸會說：“不行，你太遜了

1317
01:07:10,880 --> 01:07:12,040
‎他們都光腳踢

1318
01:07:12,120 --> 01:07:15,800
‎你還要釘鞋、襪子和護脛才敢下場

1319
01:07:15,880 --> 01:07:17,240
‎有這些才能踢

1320
01:07:17,960 --> 01:07:20,600
‎別跟他們踢，自己玩自己的”

1321
01:07:21,320 --> 01:07:24,680
‎所以我在德國踢過足球

1322
01:07:24,760 --> 01:07:27,920
‎摩洛哥人覺得我太一絲不苟

1323
01:07:28,000 --> 01:07:30,640
‎德國人覺得我太隨隨便便

1324
01:07:30,720 --> 01:07:32,840
‎所以德國的足球俱樂部…

1325
01:07:32,920 --> 01:07:35,280
‎我知道很多人都有參加

1326
01:07:35,360 --> 01:07:38,160
‎每個週六或週日都有比賽

1327
01:07:38,240 --> 01:07:43,480
‎每次踢完都要有人輪流把球衣帶回家

1328
01:07:43,560 --> 01:07:46,440
‎洗乾淨後，下次比賽時帶過去

1329
01:07:46,520 --> 01:07:48,360
‎輪到我就完了

1330
01:07:49,360 --> 01:07:53,800
‎我們有一個大袋子，球衣全都塞裡面

1331
01:07:53,880 --> 01:07:55,560
‎我把袋子扛回家

1332
01:07:55,640 --> 01:07:58,400
‎慢慢來，反正七天後才比賽

1333
01:07:58,480 --> 01:08:02,240
‎我把袋子丟在角落
‎比賽兩天前才想到

1334
01:08:02,320 --> 01:08:04,040
‎“我得洗球衣喔”

1335
01:08:04,120 --> 01:08:06,880
‎我去找袋子，結果不見了
‎我想：“哪兒去了？”

1336
01:08:06,960 --> 01:08:08,080
‎結果在櫃子上

1337
01:08:08,160 --> 01:08:10,240
‎我爸爸已經打包要寄到摩洛哥

1338
01:08:11,520 --> 01:08:13,120
‎我說：“我的東西呢？”

1339
01:08:13,200 --> 01:08:14,640
‎現在我必須找球衣

1340
01:08:14,720 --> 01:08:18,240
‎我在路上看到我弟
‎他穿著守門員的球衣

1341
01:08:19,640 --> 01:08:23,280
‎他朋友穿著韋克霍芬球隊的十號球衣

1342
01:08:23,920 --> 01:08:25,600
‎我說：“靠！這是什麼？”

1343
01:08:31,280 --> 01:08:32,720
‎今天要比賽了

1344
01:08:32,800 --> 01:08:35,000
‎我把衣服全都拿去洗

1345
01:08:35,080 --> 01:08:38,400
‎結果衣服堆積成山
‎五個小孩，衣服洗不完

1346
01:08:38,480 --> 01:08:41,080
‎我得把球衣洗乾淨，我去送洗

1347
01:08:41,160 --> 01:08:43,760
‎塞進袋子裡，趕到俱樂部

1348
01:08:43,840 --> 01:08:46,200
‎大家都在等我，比賽快開始了

1349
01:08:46,280 --> 01:08:48,560
‎我把袋子丟到中間打開

1350
01:08:48,640 --> 01:08:50,640
‎衣服都沒摺，擠成一堆

1351
01:08:50,720 --> 01:08:55,320
‎守門員的球衣還是不見
‎我爸的運動外套反而在裡面

1352
01:08:56,960 --> 01:08:57,840
‎真是…

1353
01:08:58,400 --> 01:08:59,320
‎我沒騙人

1354
01:09:02,040 --> 01:09:05,440
‎那是最慘的一次比賽，最慘的！

1355
01:09:05,520 --> 01:09:09,280
‎我們比賽贏了
‎可是你們知道現場有多亂嗎？

1356
01:09:09,360 --> 01:09:11,200
‎守門員穿我爸的運動外套守門

1357
01:09:14,360 --> 01:09:15,200
‎拜託！

1358
01:09:18,360 --> 01:09:20,520
‎十號球員穿北非的傳統長袍

1359
01:09:22,000 --> 01:09:25,800
‎我們十比零大勝
‎因為他們都很怕我們的守門員

1360
01:09:25,880 --> 01:09:27,280
‎以為守門員是個大人

1361
01:09:28,240 --> 01:09:29,160
‎他們嚇死了

1362
01:09:29,720 --> 01:09:32,240
‎我叫巴奈薩朗胡巴

1363
01:09:36,400 --> 01:09:38,920
‎各位來賓

1364
01:09:39,000 --> 01:09:42,680
‎讓我們鼓掌歡迎RebellComedy
‎創辦人之一：巴巴加辛！

1365
01:09:51,640 --> 01:09:52,680
‎大家好

1366
01:10:06,520 --> 01:10:08,920
‎歡迎來到動物園

1367
01:10:10,320 --> 01:10:11,560
‎我知道牢籠的樣子

1368
01:10:11,640 --> 01:10:13,160
‎我知道你們看到什麼

1369
01:10:13,720 --> 01:10:15,120
‎辛提人和羅姆人是乞丐

1370
01:10:15,200 --> 01:10:16,400
‎難民只會要錢

1371
01:10:16,480 --> 01:10:18,400
‎波蘭人會在動物園偷東西

1372
01:10:18,480 --> 01:10:19,600
‎中國人愛仿冒

1373
01:10:19,680 --> 01:10:20,800
‎阿拉伯人愛砍殺

1374
01:10:20,880 --> 01:10:22,600
‎黑人在動物園大聲嚷嚷

1375
01:10:22,680 --> 01:10:24,320
‎動物園裡的荒野

1376
01:10:24,400 --> 01:10:25,600
‎動物園裡的灰色

1377
01:10:25,680 --> 01:10:29,120
‎德國人在動物園裡一板一眼

1378
01:10:29,200 --> 01:10:30,600
‎阿爾巴尼亞人愛殺人

1379
01:10:30,680 --> 01:10:33,120
‎土耳其人的德語卻講得很好

1380
01:10:33,200 --> 01:10:35,360
‎希臘人在動物園裡懶散

1381
01:10:35,440 --> 01:10:36,840
‎動物園很粗野

1382
01:10:36,920 --> 01:10:38,960
‎戴頭巾，沒問題

1383
01:10:39,040 --> 01:10:42,040
‎只要妳是動物園的清潔婦

1384
01:10:42,920 --> 01:10:44,320
‎我瞭解動物園

1385
01:10:45,040 --> 01:10:46,840
‎瞭解動物園的魔力

1386
01:10:48,160 --> 01:10:50,480
‎主流文化，個案

1387
01:10:51,000 --> 01:10:52,880
‎複數在動物園裡變成單數

1388
01:10:53,640 --> 01:10:55,800
‎代表你的同胞

1389
01:10:55,880 --> 01:10:57,720
‎單數在動物園裡變成複數

1390
01:10:58,400 --> 01:11:01,080
‎動物園裡到處是標示

1391
01:11:01,160 --> 01:11:03,200
‎告訴你，你是誰

1392
01:11:03,720 --> 01:11:05,640
‎期許很高

1393
01:11:05,720 --> 01:11:07,120
‎短暫的沉默

1394
01:11:07,200 --> 01:11:08,400
‎只要你敢打破

1395
01:11:10,200 --> 01:11:12,040
‎我們必須負責打破沉默

1396
01:11:12,120 --> 01:11:13,440
‎接受觀察

1397
01:11:13,520 --> 01:11:14,880
‎觀察自己

1398
01:11:14,960 --> 01:11:17,360
‎在動物園裡看管自己

1399
01:11:17,440 --> 01:11:19,440
‎受過訓練的沙漠同胞節目

1400
01:11:19,520 --> 01:11:21,720
‎我知道你們在動物園看到什麼

1401
01:11:24,000 --> 01:11:25,120
‎我是

1402
01:11:25,680 --> 01:11:27,040
‎你們視而不見的東西

1403
01:11:27,560 --> 01:11:30,680
‎是你們在動物園腳踏的地面

1404
01:11:31,320 --> 01:11:34,600
‎我是大地、泥土、石頭

1405
01:11:34,680 --> 01:11:37,160
‎這裡已經死去的夢中人

1406
01:11:37,680 --> 01:11:39,120
‎移工

1407
01:11:39,200 --> 01:11:40,400
‎外來者

1408
01:11:40,480 --> 01:11:41,480
‎我體內的受害者

1409
01:11:42,120 --> 01:11:44,280
‎索林根、哈勒、哈瑙

1410
01:11:44,360 --> 01:11:46,320
‎胡利亞、亞娜、哈姆扎

1411
01:11:46,400 --> 01:11:49,920
‎和這裡的歌德、巴哈、艾德諾結合

1412
01:11:50,000 --> 01:11:51,720
‎全都融合

1413
01:11:52,560 --> 01:11:54,320
‎真正的融合

1414
01:11:54,840 --> 01:11:57,400
‎無須開口討論就融合

1415
01:11:57,480 --> 01:11:59,440
‎全都平等融合

1416
01:11:59,520 --> 01:12:02,920
‎被細菌和菌類植物融合

1417
01:12:03,000 --> 01:12:05,240
‎融合在我體內，而且

1418
01:12:06,720 --> 01:12:08,760
‎融合了我

1419
01:12:10,040 --> 01:12:12,000
‎我的根、他們的祖先

1420
01:12:12,520 --> 01:12:14,680
‎我的犁溝、他們的傷痕

1421
01:12:14,760 --> 01:12:17,160
‎我的聲音、他們的語言

1422
01:12:17,240 --> 01:12:18,560
‎許多人的語言

1423
01:12:18,640 --> 01:12:20,080
‎街道的聲音

1424
01:12:20,600 --> 01:12:23,040
‎成為我，就代表成為他們

1425
01:12:23,120 --> 01:12:26,000
‎已經70年，要中斷太晚了

1426
01:12:26,080 --> 01:12:27,200
‎種子發芽

1427
01:12:27,280 --> 01:12:29,200
‎你們看，五顏六色的花朵

1428
01:12:29,280 --> 01:12:30,960
‎他們或嬉鬧，或喧鬧

1429
01:12:31,040 --> 01:12:32,520
‎或者愛著彼此

1430
01:12:32,600 --> 01:12:34,520
‎但是我的所有東西

1431
01:12:34,600 --> 01:12:36,200
‎都是多種面向

1432
01:12:37,080 --> 01:12:39,960
‎我是德國土壤

1433
01:12:41,480 --> 01:12:43,000
‎我躺在你們下方

1434
01:12:44,960 --> 01:12:46,880
‎你們的腳步聲模糊了

1435
01:12:46,960 --> 01:12:48,280
‎遠離了

1436
01:12:48,360 --> 01:12:50,200
‎彷彿來自不同時間

1437
01:12:50,880 --> 01:12:51,920
‎別忘了

1438
01:12:52,440 --> 01:12:54,560
‎當你們走在我上面時

1439
01:12:54,640 --> 01:12:56,120
‎每一步

1440
01:12:56,720 --> 01:12:59,240
‎都是踩在我的地上

1441
01:13:00,240 --> 01:13:01,400
‎堅硬無比

1442
01:13:25,640 --> 01:13:27,760
‎各位來賓，這位是DJ瓦帝

1443
01:13:30,800 --> 01:13:33,960
‎表演結束，謝謝各位光臨
‎RebellComedy，請保重

1444
01:14:09,800 --> 01:14:14,800
‎字幕翻譯：溫鳳祺