Downloaded from YTS.MX
[in Spanish] No, no.
-Come on, ten seconds, come on. -[men muttering]
Official YIFY movies site: YTS.MX
-Let's go. -I can't take it, Pablo.
-How do you feel? -Like shit.
-Why? -I'm terrified.
What do you mean? It's your second Netflix special.
-It's all right. -[sighing] I don't want to.
-I'm scared, man. -[drums roll]
It's too hard, I can't.
[Pablo] It's not, you've practiced for three months.
Nothing will happen. It'll be fine.
[Agustín sighs]
-Focus. -Yeah.
Do you remember what you said to Bianca when she started high school?
-That it was worthless. -No, the other thing.
-That she should play hooky. -No!
[Agustín sighing]
She was at the door, wouldn't go in, you looked her in the eye and said,
"Bianca, courage isn't the absence of fear.
Courage is facing a challenge despite being afraid."
I didn't say that.
If I did, I'm a prick because I don't buy it.
-Just breathe. -[Agustín inhaling]
-[Agustín] It's too hard. -[Pablo] They already paid.
[Pablo] We can't say no, we signed a contract.
Count to three.
[both inhaling]
-One… -One…
-Two… -Let's go.
-[footsteps echo loudly] -[Agustín clears his throat]
[whispering] There's nobody here.
[silence]
[whispering] Son of a bitch.
[band plays jazz-style music]
[sighing]
[snorting]
All right.
I could paint you a thousand images about what loneliness means to me.
A child in a shopping mall, completely alone, looking for his parents.
He's lost, and doesn't know what to do.
A Bedouin walking through the Sahara,
surrounded by sand and with just the sun for company.
A sailboat capsizing alone in the open sea.
So alone.
A child in that sailboat, surrounded by sand,
with the sun for company and a Bedouin in the cabin.
But do you want to know what loneliness is for comedians?
Loneliness is this.
[music stops]
An absolutely empty theater.
One of the most important theaters in Buenos Aires,
1300 seats and not one person.
Not a single one. We're in a pandemic, alone.
With just the cameras.
During this special, there will be laugh tracks.
Laugh tracks.
If everything goes right, your laughter will drown them out.
Canned laughter, for a lonely comedian,
is like homeopathy.
We don't know if it works, but it makes me feel good.
You don't know what it's like here.
It's cold! And windy!
I should be used to it. I was born in Bahía Blanca.
[band plays]
A city that is about 737 kilometers from the capital,
where we are now.
Next to the sea. Cold, and windy.
The wind in Bahía Blanca comes out of nowhere.
Suddenly, it messes up your plans.
We natives are used to walking at a 45° angle
just so the wind doesn't knock us on our asses.
My family was Basque and Italian, very intense and passionate.
[rolling the R] Just barely middle class.
Closer to quarter class. Not two pennies to rub together.
We spent our summers in Monte Hermoso.
Was it because we liked it? No, it was close, and cheap.
My mom, dad, brother and I went to Monte Hermoso.
Where? To the beach.
-And just to the beach. -[music stops]
Only the beach.
We didn't eat out, no corn on the cob,
no ice cream, nothing.
The vendors could see how strapped my parents were,
and didn't even try for a sale.
"I've got ice pops, choc…
[laughter]
…ice!"
They didn't bother because it'd be pointless,
just wasted energy.
I loved the nights in Monte.
We went to the arcade.
A corner,
a bunch of kids going nuts playing video games,
and they'd put me in the Daytona.
I'd grab the wheel and start the game.
First corner, bam, I'd crash.
"What? I turned!"
I'd start again. [makes driving sound]
Same corner, bam, crash. "Mom, I turned!"
Started again. [makes driving sound]
Same corner, crashed again.
"Insert coin, insert coin, insert coin."
-[muffled laughter] -I look over to the kids.
[exaggerated voice] My peers, playing Whac-A-Mole.
The mole comes out and you whack it.
The more moles you whack within the time limit,
the more tickets you got, and you took them to the kiosk
and exchanged 2,000 tickets for a lollipop.
And there I was, waiting 20 minutes for a mole.
[laughter]
"It's broken, Mom."
"No, Agustín, it's January, it's not mole season."
"They're screwing us, Manuel."
Manuel was my brother. "We're missing a token."
I realized my parents' trick after the worm game.
The worm game was a fiberglass worm
with some Korean music.
The kid sits here
the worm wriggles to Korean music,
and the parents wait.
It was the reverse for me, I'd sit down,
the worm was still and my parents did this,
because they tricked us, of course.
They were embarrassed to be strapped.
We moved every two years.
The lease ended and we had to move.
We couldn't renew it, had to find a new house,
sometimes a cheaper one, we made it work.
My parents were embarrassed. I don't know why, but they were.
They didn't want us to know that we'd moved.
So what did they do? It was brilliant.
They put together the house just like the old one.
-[laughter] -Pfft!
"I can tell we moved, Dad.
It's obvious we did.
I went over to play with Martin, my neighbor,
I rang the bell and an old man with a walker came out.
I can tell. Or maybe he's Benjamin Button or smoking crack,
because I saw him yesterday and he was okay."
[inhaling]
After moving so much, I developed a personality that was…
chickenshit, scaredy-pants.
I was very brave, wasn't afraid of the dark or monsters,
but moving around, so many new noises in each house,
I thought, "There's something here. This place is haunted."
To this day I don't like horror movies. Tsk, tsk, tsk.
I don't watch them. Ever. No horror movies.
No monster movies.
I get scared, get nightmares.
Monsters? Maybe Monsters, Inc., tops.
A while back, my girlfriend, Fernanda, said,
"Let's watch The Nun." A new horror movie.
It just came out, a satanic nun that kills everyone.
"No, honey, it's scary."
"Agustín, come on. Let's watch it, it's okay."
"I don't wanna."
"Let's watch The Nun, make it a date."
"I don't wanna."
I thought, "I need to grow up. I'll at least watch the trailer."
I look it up, bing, bing, bing, put it on. It starts like this:
[in deep voice] "In a chapel, a nun…"
Scared shitless. Down to my ankles.
I couldn't even watch the trailer. I don't like horror.
They still talk about Stranger Things.
"Watch it, it's got three seasons…"
I don't wanna, I'm scared. I get nightmares.
"Watch it."
There's ads on the highway, Stranger Things, Stranger Things.
"Watch it,
there's a bald girl that changes channels with her mind."
I won't watch Stranger Things.
They tried so hard that I went,
"I can't be left behind. I have to watch it."
But I can't watch it alone, so I ask my 12-year-old, Bianca.
"Let's watch Stranger Things." "It's scary."
"Bianca, let's watch it."
"I'll get nightmares."
"Honey, grow up, don't be silly. Let's watch it, it's fine."
"Dad, it's scary."
"I make the rules in this house, we're watching Stranger Things."
-[laughter] -So I go and put on Stranger Things.
I put it on.
[gasps]
We could only take one episode.
-In broad daylight, in the afternoon. -[laughter]
And that night, "It's not real.
Demogorgons are just rubber. It's a show,"
said Bianca until I trembled to sleep.
I don't like horror movies.
I was thinking about my dad.
He was an intense dude. Intense in moving, in everything.
My old man is intense and anxious.
A volatile combination. Can't handle it.
He's unbearable. He's really intense.
Intense to the point that he'll ask a question
and answer it himself.
Unbearable. "How're you doing?
[speaks fast] Good? Looks that way.
You weren't yesterday, but you are today. I watched your video.
Is Bianca all right? Of course she is.
Will you record Serendipia for Netflix? [honking]
Do the horn. People love it.
'Do the horn, Rada!', it's great.
Is Bianca studying medicine?"
"Dad, Bianca is 14. Stop it."
-[laughter] -He won't let me talk, he's too intense.
He puts on his shoes before his socks. Unbearable.
When he blows his nose,
he blows so hard that we are always afraid
he'll have a stroke and be crippled. He goes…
[honks]
And his leg shoots back from all the force.
He's intense. Too intense.
When my dad eats ice cream, he goes…
[sniffing]
Aaaagh!
[laughter]
His brain freezes.
Until Mom comes with a warm towel,
he won't come back.
My dad is very intense.
I've got a story that I tell my friends in asados,
it encapsulates him… Should I tell it?
[Agustín] Yeah? No? Should I?
Yeah, I will. It's short.
I'm going off script for a bit, but it's good.
My dad does pottery. Makes things with clay, I dunno.
He's a creative guy, always makes stuff with wood,
and I inherited some of that woodworking.
A while back, I visited him in Bahía Blanca.
I was having maté with Mom and Dad says,
[speaks rapidly] "Come over here, Agustín.
Come on, come here."
I walk over. "What's up, Dad?"
"Listen. You know what?"
"Slow down, I can't…"
"Listen to me.
For a while now,
I haven't had any ideas for my pottery.
You're an artist--
I read that artists sometimes have an incentive for imagination.
Do you have that?"
"I don't get it."
"Anything," he says. "Dad?
[laughter, muffled conversation]
Are you…?
Are you asking me for pot?"
"No! Mom will hear you!"
"Mom smokes, Dad. She smokes with her friends in Monte.
Don't be silly, don't ask for illegal stuff.
I don't have any, I don't use.
Really, I don't.
Besides, I'm a moderately well-known guy,
I have to set an example.
I don't have pot, really.
[sniffing]
[giggling]
-Dad, Ruter came today… -[laughter]
Do you know Ruter? He's an old friend of mine.
He's a farmer, he has a garden, he likes to explore.
He makes hybrids, mixes different plants, tomatoes, basil,
and a little birdie randomly brought him a seed
and he's got mountains of pot.
All the different strains:
kryptonite, mandurria, somba, teque, puppy, rusca.
You'll get crazy high."
I say, "Dad, he brought me a jar.
Now, you gotta be careful.
You puff and you wait.
It's like fishing. Cast your line and wait for the bite.
You gotta be careful because you're very intense."
"No, what…" "Dad, please."
I give him the jar and return to Buenos Aires.
Afterwards, I was in Córdoba, the capital,
doing a double show of a previous set with the guys,
I go to my dressing room between the shows,
pick up the phone,
and there's 12 missed calls from my brother, who's in the USA,
and 14 missed calls from Mom.
[chuckling]
It was clear to me that Dad had died tragically.
Otherwise, I'd have calls from him too.
I call my brother, and I'm thinking,
"Did I say everything I wanted? Did I really say goodbye?"
"Manuel, what happened?"
"Call Mom, Dad is going nuts."
"What's up, Mom?"
"What did you give your father?
He's high." [gasping] I went like that.
From a distance I could hear "Legalize marijuana!"
I could picture my dad running around.
I say, "Mom, calm down."
She says, "Agustín, do I call 911?"
"No, Mom, there's like a pound of pot there, we'll go to jail.
Even Bianca goes to jail.
Relax, Mom, please."
"What about Dad?"
"Take him outside." "He won't go."
"Throw out a biscuit, he'll go.
When he runs out and starts walking around,
hose him down, and when he comes to,
give him chocolate or soda, something with lots of sugar.
The guys in the band told me that sugar
breaks down the THC and that'll sober him up.
See you later."
That's how intense my dad is. Unbearable. So intense.
One time…
Hah! One time we moved
and the house was smaller than the old one.
Unbearable. And my dad went, "There's a room missing."
"Dad, you already saw it."
"But there's a room missing."
"We can't make another one."
"Why not? In the lightwell, I can put in a beam, knock down a wall,
sheet metal, a window and a fan,
a computer, some paintings, it's a new room."
"Dad, you can't make a new room in the lightwell."
"Can't I?" Two hours later, he was on the wall…
Bang, bang, bang!
Knock down it down, get the beam up, the sheets.
A new room… in five hours.
Amazing. Wiring, lights…
[kissing] …all perfect.
And Mom, same as always,
cheering Dad on with a maté in hand, saying,
"Roberto, you're a moron.
We'll move in a year and a half. This is just burning money."
[band plays]
♪ The kitchen is smaller ♪
♪ The bathroom is bigger ♪
♪ I'm nothing without a guarantor ♪
♪ And all the doormen are called Ramón ♪
♪ Every two years, I sing him this song ♪
♪ Come have dinner, but come early ♪
♪ I can't find anything, it's all packed ♪
♪ From the ground floor, I moved to 6° B ♪
♪ I can't find the key Or I mixed it up again ♪
♪ A month for the deposit ♪
♪ One, or two, or three For the commission ♪
♪ The guarantee better be from Capital ♪
♪ I can't imagine living here ♪
♪ No, no ♪
♪ I don't believe in runes ♪
♪ I don't buy into tarot ♪
♪ Ludovica says That in the Chinese calendar ♪
♪ I'm a tenant ♪
The harmonica. The harmonica.
I had one-- I had--
There's a box with harmonicas,
a recorder, a VHS--
Did you find…? I labeled it.
Oh, fuck off. [clears throat]
♪ I travel light, like the wind ♪
♪ I don't really have a flat ♪
♪ A ukulele, the bed, and the wardrobe ♪
♪ Every two years, I gotta move ♪
♪ I can't stand my neighbor ♪
♪ We don't talk, it's matter of skin ♪
♪ I hate her shitty little dog ♪
♪ She hates me because I smoke pot ♪
It's my Dad! It's not my fault!
♪ I don't believe in runes ♪
♪ No ♪
♪ I don't buy into tarot ♪
♪ Ludovica says That in the Chinese calendar ♪
♪ I'm a tenant ♪
[music trails off]
[cheering]
I like that Broadway ending with the imaginary hat.
"The thing about moving with toys
is they have to be small and portable enough
to fit in a box."
That's what my parents said.
I had two toys.
And I was happy with that.
I had a white ninja, and Rambo.
Hah!
You remember Rambo?
They were great, right? I have it…
A Rambo with skinny jeans.
Those pants that didn't exist back then,
and Rambo had thick thighs and a crotch this size.
[exaggerated voice] "What's up, Rambo? What's up, Rambo?
Train much?"
Arms this big, with the bandana, all sweaty with long hair.
That Rambo was fine.
A sheathe with a long knife.
It was like another penis or something.
I looked at him and thought, "Come here, Rambo."
[mouth popping]
"I'll kill you, bastard," says the ninja.
"I'm gonna slaughter you." "Go, go, go!"
[making gun and explosion sounds]
[kissing]
They'd kiss a bit.
With the dolls. You didn't do that?
You didn't flip him over and give him some?
He was flexible, could handle all positions.
-Some kama… 69? Nobody? -[chuckling]
No?
No…
Never, man? You never stuck a Rambo in your ass?
When you were 6 or 7? No?
[sniffing]
-I did. It was… -[laughter]
Some self-discovery with dolls.
I was a bit obsessed with dolls and sex.
I hid Rambo and took him everywhere.
My cousin across the street, Paula, had a different economic situation,
had a truly amazing, hegemonic doll house--
She had 14 dolls.
I took Rambo, went to Paula's to play,
opened the door, snuck him in.
-"This is gonna get ugly," I thought. -[laughter]
I came back and Rambo was wearing make-up.
"Good, Rambo! So progressive." And I took him back.
But neither Rambo or the dolls or the white ninja mattered as much
as getting my parents to buy me that thing I wanted so much.
I didn't get it.
It was simple, a simple toy. I wanted nothing else.
I don't want a party, I'll fast for a week--
"What do you…?" I wanted…
I wanted a plastic truck, the unbreakable ones.
[sad music plays]
I dunno what they used, but the USA army used it for tanks.
[band members hum]
An unbreakable truck.
"Mom, buy me the truck. Dad. I won't ask for anything else.
Buy me the truck. The truck.
The truck, truck, truck…"
They didn't buy it.
They didn't. Tsk, tsk, tsk.
Still, I was very smart for a six-year-old.
I thought, "I'll get my own
unbreakable plastic truck."
I grabbed pen and paper and wrote,
"Dear Santa Claus,
I'd love it if this Christmas
you'd bring me an unbreakable plastic truck.
[upbeat music plays]
Love, Agustín Aristarán.
P.S. We moved three times this year.
Make sure it's the right house.
Love, Agustín Aristarán, times two."
I drew a Christmas tree,
some vitel toné, some cider,
and a lot of snow, which definitely happens in Argentina.
And I sent the letter the 22nd of August.
I was a little anxious. And I waited.
Waited in the living room where,
usually, the Christmas tree was put up.
Two days later, Mom says,
"Agustín, your father and I talked
and we think the unbreakable truck is a little expensive
for Santa Claus."
"Sons of bitches.
[music stops]
Are you looking through my mail?"
-I wrote again. -[band plays]
"Dear Santa Claus,
Since the confidentiality of my correspondence
is not respected in my house,
I'm sending this second letter through other means.
Do you know Mariano Brancamonte, my schoolmate?
Blonde, dumb-looking, sits behind me?
Last year, that kid was awful.
You still gave him a mountain bike with 18 gears and a light.
And to me, after being on my best behavior,
you gave an Incredible Hulk bubbler.
I hate you, Santa Claus.
I expect that this year, at midnight,
I'll get an unbreakable plastic truck
because otherwise I'm torching your sled, your reindeer
and all your other crap.
Dick.
Love, Agustín Aristarán."
[blows] I sent the letter.
[music stops]
On December 24th I woke up a little anxious.
[rapid speech] "Mom, where is he? When is Santa coming?
It's the 24th, Santa is coming tonight.
When is he coming? Where's Dad? Where?
Is he eating ice cream? Dad! Dad! Dad!"
"What? What? What? Aaah!"
-"Stop eating ice cream, Dad, please! -[laughter]
How do we move this along? I need Santa.
Let's put out peanuts." And we did.
"The cider is warm."
"Put it in the freezer!" "Still warm."
"In the freezer!" "Still warm! Still warm! Still warm!"
"Close the door!" And I did.
"Dad, did you buy firecrackers?" "Yeah, look. Pow, pow, pow!"
"When's he coming?" "Midnight."
"What time is it?" "Midnight."
-[band plays] -And there it was.
-[Agustín] The gift I was waiting for. -[band members humming]
The unbreakable plastic truck!
I thought it was bigger.
Could it be?
That's strange.
Santa's handwriting is the same as Mom's.
[band members humming]
I opened that box like I was a stripper.
[music stops]
A magic box?
Santa,
are you illiterate or just dumb?
-I wrote "unbreakable plastic truck." -[laughter]
I don't want to be a magician. I want to drive a dump truck
across the world.
MAGIC SHOW
"Become a magician.
Instructions. Disappear an egg in the red cup.
Take the red cup and look at the audience."
[silence]
There's no one here.
"Open the cup, it will contain an egg.
Remove the egg and show the empty cup.
[chuckling]
Cover the cup, and place the egg in your right pocket.
Look to the audience."
Still no one.
"Snap your fingers and say the magic words.
'Abraca…" Screw you, Santa.
"You'll see the egg disappeared from your pocket
and reappeared in the--" No!
[laughter]
[cheering]
No!
[exaggerated voice] No!
-Appear, disappear. -[band plays]
♪ Appear, disappear ♪
♪ Long mustache, short mustache ♪
♪ Where's the egg? ♪
♪ Here it is ♪
♪ In the hand and now it's gone ♪
♪ Where is it? ♪
♪ Here it is ♪
♪ It goes in the hand, take it out Toss it, now it's in my nose ♪
And just like that,
in Bahía Blanca, at six years of age,
a magician was born.
Rada, hey!
Hoo!
[music stops]
-That's magic. -[applause, cheers]
Thanks for the applause.
I can feel the applause.
I was out of control with magic.
Look at the handkerchief go.
You saw that one coming, Pupi.
That's some magic.
Whenever a relative came over, what did Agus do?
He'd regale them with a marvelous magic show.
And suddenly, no more relatives visited.
-[chuckling] -I was obsessed with magic.
Dove, handkerchief, coin, stuff,
cigars that appeared and disappeared.
One relative always came over. My grandma came for maté.
"Grandma, I've got a great card trick.
I've been practicing. You won't believe it.
Grandma, look at the cards." I take them out and shuffle.
Pfft! And shuffle. Pfft!
And shuffle. Pfft!
"Pick any card, it doesn't matter which.
Pick it, remember it, put it back. Perfect."
I shuffle again and again.
Pfft! Pfft! Pfft!
I shuffle, a card goes flying. Ba!
I pick it up, toss it behind. Hoo! Grab it again. Bing!
"Grandma, your card."
"I don't remember." Son of a bitch.
-Old bitch. -[laughter]
You couldn't say 7 of Clubs?
Eight of Diamonds, 4 of Capricorn, 5 of Batman.
It's the same, who cares.
[laughter]
I went crazy over magic. Crazy.
Ahh! I couldn't stop. I was doing magic all day.
I did magic at school, at a friend's house,
while playing soccer.
Even as a teenager, in asados, I still did magic.
"What do you want?"
"Four of Diamonds!" I said. "Oh, fuck off."
I was crazy over magic, really crazy.
My friend, Gonzalo, said to me,
"Rada, you just do magic, right?"
"Magic!" I say. "A handkerchief!"
A cage, a water heater.
I was out of control with magic.
"Don't you do anything else?" "Magic, magic!"
"Don't you like girls? Don't you wanna get laid?"
"You're right."
[chuckling]
I hadn't had my first time.
Never got laid. Ever. Gotta get laid at 17.
It says it right there, in Wikipedia!
[speaking fast] "Dad! Dad!" "What's up? What's up? Ahhh!"
[laughter]
"Dad, listen, I need advice, man to man.
I'm still a virgin. I need your help. I don't know how.
Dad, I wanna get laid, I have an urge."
"What? You still haven't? It's easy. How could you…?
You talk to a guy or a girl, whichever you like. Bing!
You gotta have a drink, touch each other--
Sorry, Son.
I'm a brute, sorry.
I thought you were your brother. Sorry.
You're the younger one, right? The magician?
Forget it. Magicians don't get laid."
[laughter]
And Dad was so right.
Magicians don't get laid.
Some will say that magicians are always…
[grunting, laughing] No.
Tsk, tsk, tsk.
There's no way.
There's two professions--
The WHO says that two professions have no chance of getting some.
One are magicians,
because we're morons that do stupid things all day.
The other are chess players,
because they accumulate swamp ass.
It's impressive. So we've got no shot at it.
Listen to me.
I say "magician," what do you picture?
A Las Vegas magician. All made up.
Gel, hair straight up.
A belt buckle with four aces,
a lot of shiny black,
two panthers, fans blowing wind at him…
[blowing]
…Las Vegas music.
♪ Sing thing, some thing ♪
♪ Baw, baw! ♪
♪ Sing thing, some thing ♪
♪ Buh, buh! ♪
It's impressive.
The girl comes in, his assistant,
always after the magician, never before.
They're chauvinists.
Assholes, idiots, and also chauvinists.
The girl flips through the air,
goes into a box this big.
Poor thing.
She contorts her way in there.
♪ Sing thing, some ♪
He grabs a spear.
♪ Sing thing, some thing ♪
Ahh! He stabs the spear.
♪ Sing thing, some thing ♪
Picks up another.
♪ Sing thing, some thing ♪
He spits on her, shits on her, lights her on fire.
The girl comes out in another outfit, who gets the applause?
The fucking magician.
♪ Sing thing, some thing ♪
[makes exploding sound] No chance of getting laid there.
If you have coffee with a magician, listen to this.
You're having coffee and ask, "What do you do?" "I'm a magician."
Please, never go, "No way!"
Because if you do, that's a trigger
that starts a landfall of bullshit
that he cannot control.
"You didn't know I'm a magician? Please, look at this.
I got your spoon, it's in my hand.
Where is it? It's gone. Where is it? Not here.
[gagging]
Here it is.
Mmm. You liked that. I've got more.
In the hand, it's gone.
Where is it? Here? Here? Here?
No, here. Ho! In your ear. There!"
-Latte in your ear, it's awkward. -[laughter]
But let's imagine, let's imagine
that you liked him,
or you're in a dry spell,
so you go with the magician somewhere more comfortable.
Somewhere with less light. Some other music.
This will happen, I swear.
[rapid speech] "Look, a bunch of condoms, with different colors.
Shuffle, shuffle. Pfft!
Pick whichever condom you want, any one, Grandma…
I mean, girl.
Pick one, any one. Remember it. I'm not looking.
I'll open it. What do you want, a dog? Here, for you.
[puffing]
[barking]
You want a dove? Look at this.
Pfft! A dove.
You want something more complex? I see you like it.
-I can tell you do. -[band plays]
This is the most complex one. Come on, don't leave.
I wanna get laid. Come on, sorry.
I won't do any more magic. Please, I'm sorry.
♪ Astronaut, firefighter ♪
♪ YouTuber, sailor ♪
♪ Nobody wants to be a magician ♪
♪ We need surgeons and lots of engineers ♪
♪ Nobody wants to be a magician ♪
♪ My dad told me, and he knows me ♪
♪ Don't choose to be the magician ♪
♪ Because magicians don't get laid ♪
♪ Magicians don't get laid ♪
♪ Magicians don't get laid And never will, ha! ♪
♪ Never will, hah! ♪
Voilà!
♪ I've got a disease ♪
♪ Worse than measles ♪
♪ A curse that's killing me And won't pass on ♪
♪ Up here, I might be the greatest ♪
♪ But I will never get laid, no! ♪
♪ Because of magic ♪
[Agustín] Huh!
[Agustín] Hah!
♪ Because magicians don't get laid ♪
♪ Magicians don't get laid ♪
♪ Magicians don't get laid, no, no, no! ♪
♪ Magicians don't get laid ♪
♪ Because magicians don't get laid ♪
♪ Magicians don't get laid And never will ♪
-[Agustín] Huh! -[drums roll]
[Agustín grunting]
[music stops]
Two things.
I missed the light cue.
Three things.
You forgot to open the lid, that's when I disappear.
Third thing, I crushed my balls.
[laughter]
I crushed my balls.
[Agustín wincing] Fuck it.
[grunting]
I got excited. I got excited.
[inhaling]
[sighing]
Usually I protect my balls, since I was a kid.
When I was 17, something happened that I can't forget.
[wincing]
Ah! It's like a chill going down.
That's better.
Squeezing your balls is indescribable.
I was 17 years old
when this happened.
I took a shower, naked, like always.
I go into the shower, grab the soap, look down and go, "What's this?
How did this happen?"
Listen. One of my balls, one of my testicles,
was substantially bigger.
Not longer.
98% of men have one ball that's longer than the other.
In this case, it was way bigger.
Picture a rather large tangerine,
one of my balls was the size of it.
When I was 17, you couldn't just Google
"My ball is tangerine-sized, what to do?"
I go to my dad, "Dad."
[speaks fast] "What's up? What's up? Ahh!"
[laughter]
"We need to talk about your ice cream addiction.
Listen, one of my balls is huge.
"What do you mean? Are you crazy? Show me your balls."
I show him. [gasping]
My dad goes, "Inés!"
"Don't call her! This is man stuff!
I'm a teenager. Take me to the ball-ogist."
We went to the ball-ogist.
"What's up, doc? How are you doing?"
"What's going on?" he asks.
"Something funny happened.
I got up, went to take a shower,
and saw one of my testicles is much larger."
"Don't worry, relax. It's very normal.
A testicle always swells between ages 17 and 18.
It'll go down over time. It's hormonal."
"You don't get it, chief. It's way bigger than the other."
"You're underestimating me.
I look at balls all day, I know what I'm saying."
-[laughter] -"One testicle swells and then goes down."
"It's like a tangerine, doctor." "Sorry?"
"Like a tangerine."
"It's orange?" "A little."
"Wrinkly?" "Maybe."
"Does it have seeds?"
"I dunno, man, it looks like a tangerine."
"Show me." And I do. [gasps]
He says, "Stay here. Take your clothes off."
He goes to get a stool.
The stool of all urologists
certified by the Urologist College
buy exclusively in Urologists-R-Us,
in Warnes 743.
In Buenos Aires. I don't know where in Mexico.
[inhaling]
He says, "Take off your clothes."
I leave the socks on. "Socks too."
I take them off. He puts on gloves. [mouth pops]
He looks at me and says, "Relax, Fabián."
"Doctor, I'm not Fabián."
"No, I'm Fabián, and I know myself."
-He grabs my balls. -[laughter]
[female voice] Oh, no!
He slightly squeezes each testicle.
Of course, I felt it more on one of them.
He says, "Flex a little."
[grunting squeakily]
"A little more."
[grunting squeakily]
"Just a bit more."
[grunting squeakily]
[chuckling]
He writes in a notebook. [clears throat]
"Testicular swelling. Patient, Agustín Aristarán.
Right testicle, 120 bars.
Left, 177 bars."
He lifts my healthy testicle, and without warning, goes…
[grunting] Ahh!
[laughter]
"Testicular oscillation, worrying."
[inhaling]
Then, something weird happened.
Something very weird.
He grabs my balls…
Listen, because it gets weird.
Balls-to-the-wall weird.
He grabs my balls, doesn't look at them or me,
and he seems to connect telepathically to my balls.
"Is he talking to my balls with his mind?"
Picture it. I'm 17, underage, an old guy is holding my balls
and talking to them mentally, I didn't get it.
I gotta call someone.
I start screaming for my dad.
I didn't understand anything.
And then he starts talking to my balls.
"What's up?" [squeaky voice] "I'm good."
"You?" [squeaky voice] "Good."
[squeaky voice speaks gibberish]
I don't talk Ballinguese.
Then, the guy goes and starts…
not caressing them,
but moving them around like they were castanets.
Doing it like this.
[castanets tapping]
[band plays Flamenco-style music]
♪ Aiee! ♪
♪ Ohh! ♪
♪ Aiee-ohh! ♪
♪ Oh, what's wrong? ♪
♪ What's wrong with these balls? ♪
♪ What's wrong with these balls ♪
♪ That look like a tangerine? ♪
♪ Oh, what's wrong? ♪
♪ Hey! ♪
♪ What's wrong with these balls? ♪
♪ What's wrong with these balls ♪
♪That look like a tangerine? ♪
Graciela, come here, take a picture.
This is a textbook ball. Hey!
This is great for our research. Take a picture! Take a picture!
♪ They look like a tangerine, muah! ♪
The kiss might not have happened.
[laughter]
I was in shock.
I start getting dressed, and he says,
"Stay there, and stay naked."
"What else is there?" "Relax," he says.
"Start running."
"What?" "Start running."
"Really." "Start running."
"Maybe if you dim the lights, get some whiskey…"
"Start running." And I do. I do!
"Don't cover yourself." "I won't."
I was shy. I keep running. The guy took pictures and notes.
"Stay in the middle and jump." I jump.
And I realize as I was jumping,
because I'm trying not to think about what's happening,
I realize that the human body
is a perfect machine designed by aliens.
It can't be.
And I realize the reason behind what I mentioned,
that one testicle is longer than the other in men.
Why is that?
Because, if they were the same length,
picture the neanderthals,
when they had to go hunting,
chasing a panther in the jungle.
They were naked, clothes hadn't been invented.
The guy runs, and maybe he has to jump.
If they were the same length, this would happen.
-They'd slap each other, like clackers. -[laughter]
Since one is longer, it acts like a hinge.
The human body is perfect.
I'm jumping while imagining I'm chasing a panther in the forest,
and the guy says, "We have to operate.
You've got everything. Your balls are a ruin.
Hydrocele, varicocele,
some phimosis, a double inguinal hernia."
Oh, for fuck's…
A week later, they operated on my balls. They did…
[kissing]
…what they could, there was a lot going on.
There I was, my balls like Tetris blocks,
and I'm back to my life.
Before discharging me, he goes, "One more thing, Agustín.
This takes about six months to heal internally.
I need you not to have intercourse for…
-Oh, you're a magician. Never mind." -[laughter]
So with that in mind, my balls operated and me being a magician,
I wasn't getting laid, so I go to work
as a magician, and work with a will.
I started off in kids' parties, making some change,
one party leads to another, then a school, a kindergarten.
Then I did a quinceañera, a wedding,
something at a company, working and making money.
All under the table, no receipts, I was a minor so I pocketed everything,
all the bills stacked.
A friend goes, "Let's buy beer."
"Here, Rada's got it.
What else? Some chocolate? I'll get them too."
I was the only magician in Bahía Blanca.
I was popular.
We drove out the competition.
My friends beat them up.
"You want some of this?"
We killed the rabbits, messed up the cards.
"Try finding the 7 of Clubs.
Piece of shit, hit the road."
I keep on working, get some serious money,
start helping out, bing, bing, move to Buenos Aires.
I had a tough time there, but it picked up.
Parties, kids parties, adult parties.
I start working. Magicians recognize me.
I'm respected in the magic world.
"Rada." "Yeah." Whatever. Fine.
Chile, Uruguay, Mexico, Colombia, I start earning in dollars.
[exaggerated voice] I was raking it in. What? I had it all here.
You want dollars? Here you go. Bing, bing, bing!
All still under the table.
It was all going great,
I was making good money, felt good, comfortable, but something…
[quavering] …something didn't…
I didn't feel right.
Something in my chest
went…
[gasping]
Doctor,
I don't… [quavering]
I don't feel good, doctor.
[crying, gasping] Everything is all right, and suddenly
I just start crying, doctor.
[gasping] I don't know if it has--
I don't know if…
[crying] I don't know if-- Sorry, I can't talk.
[quavering]
[sobbing]
Just a moment, doctor.
It'll pass, it'll pass.
[gasps]
I meant, I don't know if there's a name for this.
I know you've studied for this, but I'm in the street--
Everything is all right.
My life is all right.
[voice squeaking] I chased my dreams, caught them.
I work doing what I love.
[gasps] Everything they told me would happen
in the comics, happened.
It's all right.
But I'm in the street, I see a dog pooping
and I start crying, doctor.
[laughter]
It's very unstable.
I've got work,
I make money.
My peers tell me, "Good job," cheer me on. [crying]
I can't enjoy it, doctor. Look at me.
[gasping]
I feel the pressure of having to make more money,
I got into the rat race--
Money, money, money.
"What do you want, a pool, a yacht?"
I could never buy a yacht, where would I put it?
-[laughter] -Where?
[gasping] I feel-- I feel--
Do you know Prince Charles?
Poor thing, have you seen him?
Every time he's on camera, he's twitching his ear, asking for help.
He's completely lost.
They tell him what to do, how to dress.
All the time.
I feel that pressure is telling me what to do.
They tell him what to do, how to dress.
Who tells you that, Agustín? Why do you feel this way?
My dad, doctor.
Right?
What do you think, doctor?
Do you think that magic box from Santa was free?
[speech rapid] They did it so I'd be a magician.
What does the world need? Magicians.
Get a job, get some money, it's obvious, doctor.
Pardon me for saying this, Agustín…
Uh…
but…
no mother or father wants their child to be a magician.
Oh, doctor…
You laid it on me.
You're right.
I'm an idiot, doctor.
[sighing]
Such an idiot.
I'm a complete idiot, doctor.
Sorry, I'm--
Why aren't you writing this down?
Agustín Aristarán is an idiot. That's the diagnosis.
That's it, doctor.
-I don't want it, because what've I done? -[band plays jazz-style]
Worked my ass off. And I don't want it.
[speaks rapidly] I don't want a voice driving me around like Charles.
I don't want it, doctor.
[sobs] Give me some pills, because I don't know what to do.
♪ I don't what to be Charles, no ♪
♪ I don't want to be more than you ♪
♪ I don't what to be Charles, no ♪
♪ I want to choose who I am ♪
Doctor, how are you?
I started taking the pills last week.
All three, morning, afternoon, evening.
Oh, doctor!
The one in the morning gives me such energy!
Oh, doctor.
Sometimes my phone runs out of battery, I just stand next to it
and it charges right up.
So much energy.
I get up, 75° high, 70° low.
Oh, doctor.
The birds are singing and everything is great, great, great!
Now, when I take the afternoon pill,
I'm doing fine and suddenly…
[music stops]
[silence]
[Agustín grunting]
[snorting]
[giggling]
[gasping]
-I get a little stuck. -[band plays]
But when I take the evening pill-- Oh, doctor,
the evening pill, doctor…
Oh, doctor, the evening pill, doctor.
Oh, doctor!
The next day I'm like this,
all pilled-up,
I look to the side and Rambo's there.
"Hey, Rambo. How are you doing?"
I stroked Rambo, doctor.
Hah!
"What do you want, Pupi?"
[chuckling]
Why don't I take that pill every day?
I feel good. How do I look? [sniffs]
I feel good, right?
[laughing]
Hey!
♪ I don't what to be Charles, no ♪
♪ I don't want to be more than you ♪
♪ I don't what to be Charles, no ♪
♪ I want to choose who I am ♪
Doctor, the pills balanced out, I'm doing pretty good.
Listen, this happened the other day.
I went to the Japanese dry cleaner in Charcas and Uriarte.
I take my magician suit,
"Did you clean it? I'll pay you next week."
We're friends. He cleans my suits.
I get to the show. Can you believe he mixed up the suits?
He gave me another suit. A completely white one.
Pants, jacket, shirt, bow tie, all white, it was embarrassing.
I had to do the show, so I put it on,
go out, they laugh,
"Sorry," I dunno, "White is back in!" [laughing]
"I look like a Q-Tip."
I wrap up the show, a girl comes over and says,
"Hi. Do you have some ice pops, or choc ice?"
Whoa!
My girlfriend. We've been going out for ten days.
What do you think?
♪ I don't what to be Charles, no ♪
♪ I don't want to be more than you ♪
♪ I don't what to be Charles, no ♪
♪ I want to choose who I am ♪
Doctor, I went back to the dry cleaner.
Two weeks later, I went back,
"I don't know if to slap you or hug you.
You changed my life, man.
You gave me the suit, I met my girlfriend,
it's been three months, we've moved in together, it's great."
You know what he said?
He said something to me. Poof!
Listen. He looks at me and says…
[speaking gibberish]
[laughter]
Do you speak Japanese? Me neither.
But what I believe he said was,
"Sometimes,
life gives you lemons."
[laughter]
I was speechless, doctor.
Between the suit, the pills, the cleaner, you know what?
I'm discharging myself. No more pills.
You, Freud and Deleuze can suck my balls,
I won't take anything else, I'm free.
Nothing tying me down, I got a girlfriend.
♪ I don't what to be Charles, no ♪
♪ I don't want to be more than you ♪
♪ I don't what to be Charles, no ♪
♪ I want to choose… ♪
[singing without words]
Hi, honey. How are you?
Yeah, I was singing. I'm happy, I was singing.
What happened?
I told the doctor to fuck off, I'm not taking anything else.
What?
Positive?
[music stops]
Ooh.
Two months? Oh, shit…
Posi--
But positive--
Positive is always good, right?
Oh.
How did this happen?
[chuckling] Right, I know how it happened.
-I remember clearly. -[laughter]
Yes, honey.
No, I was just singing, I didn't expect…
My phone didn't remind me I had life-changing news coming.
Yeah.
I'll be there, honey. I'm going. I just had to sit down.
[laughter]
Eh? Yeah. Yeah.
I'll be right there.
I'll go back to the doctor, apologize and take the pills.
I'll come down in two months, honey.
Yeah, yeah--
Bye. Kiss your belly for me. [chuckling]
It's weird, yeah.
Bye, bye.
[coughs]
Cold.
And windy.
Twenty-one years old, and I've been told, "You'll be a dad!"
[gasping]
Still, I was always pragmatic, even as a kid.
The nine months weren't complicated.
We'd moved in together into a one bedroom apartment.
And the nine months were very simple there.
I took care of two things,
taking care of my daughter's mother, making sure she had everything,
and the second thing
was locking myself in the bathroom,
getting naked and crying, kneeling next to the toilet,
taking some drugs to ignore the situation,
because I was afraid. I was gonna be a dad.
"I wanna be Charles." "You're gonna be a dad."
"What? Fuck off."
I was afraid.
How could I not be?
But on February 22, 2006, at 14:30, everything changed.
I was in the delivery room.
My daughter's mom was doing a monumental effort.
-[dramatic music plays] -"Honey, I can't believe it."
And I was cheering her on.
"We're all gonna die!
I hope we fucking die, honey.
I hope a hurricane carries us off!
I just don't know!"
At that moment, the room's doors opened.
A brilliant shaft of light came in.
And on that shaft, some unicorns ran
with some hummingbirds,
and the unicorns were crapping
rose petals everywhere that spelled
"happiness," "fun,"
"infinite love."
My daughter Bianca was born.
-"Oh, my daughter! -[band members singing in Spanish]
We'll be so happy!
All you lay your eyes on is yours.
A one bedroom apartment,
a lot of magic tricks and a ukulele.
My daughter, I love you!"
[mimicking a monkey]
-Everything immediately changed. -[music stops]
We moved to a bigger house.
Bought our first property.
It was barely bigger, but we were happy,
Bianca was running, we put the house together and moved.
I'd been taught in the ways of quick moving.
[laughter]
The house was smaller than we thought.
We were missing a room. "There's nowhere it can fit, Agustín."
"Why not? Just knock down a wall and--"
"Honey, stop it, it's impossible."
Two hours later, on the wall: bang, bang!
On it. "I'm my dad!
[roaring] Bring me ice cream!"
-[laughter] -Out of control.
Five hours later, a whole room. Phew!
"Honey, I'll hang the picture I always wanted in my first home."
"We have to talk."
"Give me a second. Heat some water for the maté."
"Let's not. Come on."
I grab the picture, hang it.
"What's up, honey?
"We have to split up."
Huh?
"I can take the picture down.
What?
We have to split up?
Fine, we have to split up.
[exaggerated voice] It's fine, I'll fuck off, whatever.
Fine by me. I'll pack my bags now.
You want me to? I'll pack my bags.
I will, it's fine.
Should I? I'll pack my bags.
I'll pack my bags. Going once, going twice,
going, going--"
And Bianca says, "Gone."
-"No, honey!" We had to move. -[jazz music plays]
I went back to a one bedroom apartment.
It's cold. And windy.
With my bag.
I closed the door. The shot is panning out.
WIth my bag.
One week with me, one with her mom. Always the same.
The first week was crazy, so much responsibility.
I have to feed her every day, bathe her,
tell her life is wonderful and the world is shit.
All of it was on me. Bianca was three.
What do I do? How do I…? No.
She couldn't die on me. If she did, I lost.
No! I took care of her.
It was nice, we played a lot.
All the time.
"Here comes Bianca walking! How cute!
Comes around, passes the table.
Passes the broom, still coming.
She made it!
Goal!
Thanks Mom for making me Argentinian when Bianca was around!"
[cheering]
We played around all the time.
Being a young dad, or being a dad
brings you closer to playing, playing around with anything,
with make-up, a wig, we just played.
We had a great game that Bianca and me invented.
I like talking about it because maybe some parent
that's watching that has kindergarten-age kids will go,
"Why not play their game?"
Bianca was four then.
She was…
[music stops]
…four perfect, exact years.
The game is easy, it's simple.
You need two participants, an adult and a child.
What's interesting is no one brings it up.
You don't go, "Let's play."
If I asked, I felt she couldn't turn me down.
But if the game started on its own, it was more interesting
because you didn't know when it'd be.
It's easy.
Suddenly, a dark soul would invade my body.
[exaggerated voice] The devil, Satan, Beelzebub.
[rasping, deep voice] "Bianca."
I fell to the floor.
[babbling]
Started trembling.
A satanic episode.
And only one person in the house
knew the right ritual to expel the devil from me. Bianca.
She was just four, and said,
"Out of my father's body.
Out, Satan and evil archangels.
Out, Beelzebub! [gasping]
I'd stand up, hug her, she'd comfort me.
While I went to clean up,
Bianca drew a ring with salt and used a black candle
with an inverted cross to mark the cursed zone.
-A game. -[chuckling]
I liked it.
It was educationally interesting. Talked about it with her principal.
She said, "Stop it, dude."
But I liked it and Bianca was excited about it.
She liked the game.
I made her a great exorcism kit with a nice wooden box.
She had a garlic rope,
a tiny stake and hammer,
some holy water we stole from a nearby church.
Bianca went, "The priest is with the altar boys!"
And I snatched the holy water in a jar,
then we beat it back home.
A friend said, "You can't steal a church's holy water."
"But I'm stealing from the church, it cancels out."
[dramatic voice] Damn. A compromising statement from Rada,
because comedy can tell the truth sometimes.
Asshole.
After I understood that stealing holy water was wrong, or whatever,
I figured I'd make it. I went online.
"How to bless tap water."
[speaking gibberish]
Same as priests, but without a state salary.
[dramatic voice] Rada, unafraid of social criticism, strikes again.
I made her a great cross,
I'm all right with wood, a great fuchsia cross.
Instead of Jesus Christ, who is a striking image,
a man full of nails and blood,
I glued on a plastic doll.
[laughter]
Naked, crying glitter.
Like a virgin that cries glitter.
Great, with a fantastic haircut.
And I'd written on the doll--
You know how in movies,
when there's something satanic, they write words in reverse?
I wrote "Eye," "Neuquén," "Radar" on her body.
Bianca had the cross, she was small,
the cross was this big, in her exorcist box.
"Are you okay?" "Yes, honey."
"Just let me know."
And once in a while-- Ah! She'd splash me with holy water.
Poor Bianca.
She was so excited that one day I caught her
taking the exorcism kit to kindergarten.
"Bianca, what is that?"
"What if it happens to Fermín?"
"Honey, leave this here.
Go on, it's just a game. Go."
I don't blame her.
Bianca was so innocent.
It happened to me once. What a moron.
I was just fine, working on my computer,
and the devil takes over.
[babbling] I start shaking everywhere.
And Bianca wasn't there. So I was screwed.
Luckily the handyman was fixing the heater.
"What do I do?"
"Call Bianca!" I mumbled.
[laughter]
He had to go to kindergarten, get Bianca, sign for her.
"Who's taking her?" "Handyman."
"Reason?" "Dad's possessed."
"Just take her." They already knew me.
Bianca came and had it out in an instant.
Bianca knew. The handyman didn't.
I finally realized the game wasn't that normal…
[giggling]
…when Bianca wanted to invite Vicky, her friend from kindergarten,
over for tea, to play and watch cartoons.
"Sure." I talked to her dad, Fabián.
"I'll take the girls." "Sure, I'll come by later."
"Do the horn! Awesome."
And I went home.
We were doing great,
Bianca was drinking her milk and watching cartoons.
"I'll behave today. [rasping]
No devil today, no.
[roaring] No!
Not today, Vicky's here.
No devil today. She'll get scared."
[babbling, rasping]
[snorting]
[rasping] "Bianca--
No! Not today."
"Dad, are you okay?"
"Don't worry, honey. It won't happen today."
Suddenly, I couldn't control it.
[babbles] I fell.
[babbling]
I did the whole exorcism thing.
Snot, shit, I couldn't understand it.
The devil was very angry.
Bianca goes, "Out, spirit. Out, Satan and evil archangels.
Out, Beelzebub!" [gasping]
I stand up.
Bianca hugs me, comforts me, I was in shock.
"Dad, you smell like shit." Right, I'm going.
[laughter]
I return from the bathroom.
The devil left me, but it went into Vicky.
Vicky was like this. [mouth pops]
[rasps]
"Call…
Call my dad.
[chuckling]
[voice rasping] Call my dad."
"Vicky, it's all right, it's just a game we--
"Call my dad.
Dad.
Dad."
"Vicky, it's a game--"
[voice wailing] "Call my dad."
"Bianca, do something!"
"Out, spirit! Out, Satan and evil archangels."
She smacked her with bay leaves.
"No, honey, stop."
I called her dad.
"Fabián, come get your daughter, I don't know what's wrong."
The guy comes over.
I didn't know they were a really Christian family.
He sees Vicky. "Look, sometimes the devil gets me."
"That's what I'm here for," says Bianca, with the cross.
"Bianca, go to your room.
This is grown up stuff. I'll handle it. Go."
[breathing deeply]
[laughter]
"I just don't know."
We picked up the kid.
She was stiff as a board.
We had to toss her onto the back seat.
Angled so the door would close.
I can't forget that image. Poor Vicky.
She was like this. Like this.
[laughter]
Before leaving, the guy says, "You're an asshole."
"Sorry? What do you mean?" "You're an asshole.
Grow up. You've got doodles on your arms.
Jumping around all day, what's wrong with your head?
Don't worry about my girl.
I'm going straight to the Pentecostal church,
we'll get her into a holy water pool and fix this,
but your daughter--
All day like this, what's wrong with you?
She's gonna turn out bad.
When she wants to be a dentist, lawyer, agriculturist, architect,
what's her example, her asshole dad?
What happens if she's a lawyer?
[high voice] 'Madam Judge, this is the evidence for the case.'
Are you an idiot? You have to grow up.
Grow. Up."
And I…
"Me?"
[laughter]
[honks] That's what I did.
[band plays a gentle melody]
-[puffing] -[band members singing]
♪ Serendipia… ♪
[Agustín] Hi?
Honey-- Sorry, ex-honey.
Force of habit.
Did he call? He's such a tattletale.
We were just playing.
Just a bit. But I always--
I didn't know she would…
[music stops]
I went overboard, I'm sorry.
[band plays]
♪ Serendipia ♪
♪ It's a very fortunate find… ♪
[Agustín] I understand.
♪ Valuable and unexpected… ♪
[Agustín] I don't know.
♪ That happens all of a sudden ♪
You're very angry. Do you miss me? You don't.
♪ It can also be a man's talent ♪
♪ To realize he found something Important… ♪
[Agustín] Yes! I understand.
♪ That he wasn't looking for ♪
-[music stops] -Do you understand?
You're trying to explain, but you can't explain this.
Life offers paths, and you choose some, or not.
Sorry for the metaphor,
but you know when you assemble a room in two hours, or hang a picture?
Life can just kick your ass out.
It's just an image.
Like what the dry cleaner said, remember?
Remember what the dry cleaner said?
"Sometimes, life might give you lemons."
You didn't want lemons.
So what do you do? Get angry at the lemons?
You make lemonade. It's what I think.
♪ The love you least expected Might travel next to you ♪
♪ In the bus, her and you Unknowingly in love ♪
♪ The paths and shortcuts Work and yesterday ♪
♪ A girlfriend, drugs, money Your past or what you have ♪
♪ You gotta take it as it is ♪
♪ You gotta take it or leave it ♪
♪ When I open a door… ♪
[Agustín speaks inaudibly]
♪ All the rest open too ♪
But Bianca has fun.
♪ Serendipia… ♪
Bianca will be whatever she wants, an artist, a lawyer, I dunno.
She'll find out, like you and me…
♪ Missing your stop ♪
♪ Getting off wherever ♪
♪ Maybe your life will change ♪
♪ In the blink of an eye ♪
♪ Success and failure ♪
♪ Fate and the unknown ♪
[Agustín] Sure…
♪ Cholesterol and parties ♪
♪ Patience or desire ♪
♪ Letting go or holding on ♪
♪ Is losing or letting them win ♪
♪ Walker, there is no path ♪
♪ You make it as you go ♪
♪ Serendipia ♪
I think you're the best mother Bianca could have.
♪ Serendipia ♪
[Agustín] I need to go. Bye.
Keep the painting for me.
♪ Santa Claus, my parents, my brother ♪
♪ Charles and the egg trick ♪
♪ I didn't want to be a magician ♪
♪ Because magicians don't get laid ♪
♪ Magicians don't get laid ♪
♪ Magicians don't get laid And never will ♪
♪ My first time was at 19 ♪
♪ Divorce, and love ♪
♪ If there's anything I know ♪
♪ Is that everything is better ♪
♪ You gotta take it or leave it ♪
♪ You gotta know the best Hasn't come yet ♪
♪ Everything gives you something ♪
♪ Bianca is the prettiest ♪
♪ Bianca ♪
♪ You're the best ♪
♪ Bianca ♪
♪ It's great ♪
♪ Being ♪
♪ Your dad ♪
When we're small, they tell us
that life is a straight line.
That if you do everything right,
study, work,
fall in love, get married, have kids,
you'll get, with no trouble at all,
from point A to point B.
A straight line?
Bullshit.
To me, life is when you leave your parent's house,
when you fall in love
and your love kicks you out.
When you achieve your dream
and realize it's a little boring.
When you make money.
When you're strapped.
When you've got a kid at 22.
When the unexpected happens.
To me, there's two ways to look at it.
You can get angry, swear, cry, lash out
at everyone because life isn't working out like you planned
or how they told you it would be.
Or you can actually grow up.
And realize that everything, the good, the bad, the ugly,
the beautiful, the marvelous, the unpredictable
is all a chance that life gives you every day
to walk down a new path.
♪ Growing up is doing the same things ♪
♪ No matter what the rest think ♪
[band plays rock]
♪ Growing up is doing the same things ♪
♪ No matter what they think ♪
I bought it.
[laughing]
An unbreakable plastic truck.
♪ Serendipia ♪
You weren't so wrong after all, Santa.
[music crescendos]
[applause and cheering]
[band plays rock 'n' roll]
[cheering, whistling, applause]
[Agustín] One, two--
One, two, three, go!
[band plays faster]
[cheering and applause]
[music stops]
No one came, man.
[rock 'n' roll music plays]
Subtitles: Ivan Cukier