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Downloaded from
YTS.MX

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No! I don't want to!

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Come on! You're on in ten seconds!

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Official YIFY movies site:
YTS.MX

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-Break a leg!
-I can't, Pablo.

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-How do you feel?
-Like shit.

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-Why?
-I'm freaking out!

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But why? It's your second Netflix special.

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-It's all fine!
-I don't want to do it.

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I'm freaking out, bro!

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It's hard! I can't.

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You've been rehearsing
for three months now!

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Nothing will happen. It'll be fine.

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-Focus.
-Yeah.

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Do you remember what you told Bianca
when she started high school?

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-"This is a waste of time!"
-No, the other thing.

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-"Play hooky all the time!"
-No!

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She refused to go in.
You looked her in the eyes and said,

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"Bianca, courage is not
the absence of fear.

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Courage is facing the challenge
by overcoming your fear."

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I didn't say that.

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If I did, I'm a prick
because I don't buy it.

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Just breathe.

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It's too hard.

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They've already paid you.

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We can't back down. We signed a contract.

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Count to three.

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-One…
-One…

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-Two…
-Get in there!

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It's an empty house!

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Son of a bitch.

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All right.

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I could paint you a thousand images
to show what loneliness means to me.

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A little boy in a shopping mall,
completely alone, looking for his parents.

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He's lost, and doesn't know what to do.

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A Bedouin walking through the Sahara,

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surrounded by sand,
and with just the sun for company.

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A sailboat sinking in the high seas.

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So alone.

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A child in that sailboat,
surrounded by sand,

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with the sun for company
and a Bedouin in the cabin.

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But do you want to know
what loneliness is for a comedian?

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This is loneliness.

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An absolutely empty house.

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One of the most important theaters
in Buenos Aires.

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There are 1,300 seats here,
and not one person.

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Not a single one.
We're in a pandemic, after all.

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Just the cameras here.

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Mind you, this special
will have a laugh track.

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Recorded laughter.

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If everything goes to plan,
you will outlaugh the laugh track.

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A laugh track for a lonely comedian
is like homeopathy.

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We don't know if it works,
but it makes me feel good.

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You don't know what it's like to be here.
It's so cold! And so drafty!

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I should be used to it.
I was born in Bahía Blanca.

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A city that is about 437 kilometers
from the capital,

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where we are now.

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Next to the sea.
It's so cold! And so drafty!

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The wind in Bahía Blanca
comes out of nowhere.

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Suddenly, it messes up your plans.

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People of Bahía Blanca
are used to walking at a 45-degree angle

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just so the wind
doesn't knock us on our asses.

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I come from an Italian and Basque family.
Very intense and passionate.

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Just barely middle class.

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Closer to one-quarter class.
Not quite poor, but strapped.

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We spent our summer vacations
in Monte Hermoso.

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Was it because we liked it?
No. It was close. And cheap.

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Off we'd go. My mother, my father,
my brother and I.

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Where? To the beach.
That was it. We'd go to the beach.

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Only the beach.

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No dining out, no corn on the cob,
no ice cream. Nothing!

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Beach vendors could see
how strapped my parents were,

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they didn't even bother
to offer us anything.

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"Popcicles! Chocolate…

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…ice cream!"

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They didn't bother
because it'd be pointless.

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Wasted effort.

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I loved the nights in Monte.

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We'd go to the arcade.

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A corner

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with a wild horde
of kids playing video games,

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and they'd plant me, in the Daytona USA.

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I'd grab the wheel and start the game.

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First corner… Bam! I'd crash.

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"What is this? I turned!"

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I'd start again.

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Same corner. Bam! Crash.

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"Mom! I was spot on!"
Start again. Same corner, crash again.

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"Insert coin."

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I look over to other kids.

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My peers, playing The Whack-A-Mole.

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The mole pops up and you whack it.

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The more moles you whack
within the time limit,

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the more tickets you get.
You take them to the kiosk

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and exchange 2,000 tickets for a lollipop.

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And there I was,
waiting 20 minutes for a mole to pop up.

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"It's broken, Mom."

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"No, Agustín, it's January,
it's not mole season."

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"They're screwing us, Manuel."

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Manuel is my brother.
"They didn't insert coins."

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The Worm Train game
was what gave my parents away.

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The Worm Train game was a fiberglass worm,

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playing a Korean song.

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The kid sits inside,

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the worm wriggles to Korean music,

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and the parents wait.

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Not in our case. I got inside the worm,

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the worm stayed still,
but my parents went like this.

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Of course, they tricked us.

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They were ashamed of being broke.

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We moved every two years.

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The lease expired and we had to move.

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We couldn't renew it,
had to find a new house.

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Sometimes a cheaper one. We made it work.

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My parents were embarrassed.
I don't know why, but they were.

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They didn't want us, my brother and I,
to realize we had moved.

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So what did they do? It was brilliant.

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They decorated the new house
as an exact replica of the previous one.

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"I can tell we moved, Dad.
I can't not notice!"

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"It's too obvious."

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I went over to play with Martin,
my neighbor.

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I rang the doorbell, and out came
a decrepit old man.

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"I can tell, Dad.
Either Martin is Benjamin Button,

124
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or he's on crack,
because yesterday he was fine."

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After moving so much,
I developed a personality that was…

126
00:05:58,316 --> 00:05:59,984
chickenshit, scaredy-pants.

127
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I used to be brave,
wasn't afraid of the dark or monsters.

128
00:06:03,446 --> 00:06:05,865
But each new house has so many new noises.

129
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I'd think, "There's something here.
This house is haunted."

130
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Now I don't like horror movies.

131
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I don't watch them. Ever.
Out of the question!

132
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No monster movies either.

133
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I get scared. I get nightmares.

134
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Monsters?
Maybe Monsters, Inc., but that's it.

135
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My girlfriend, Fernanda, suggested,

136
00:06:23,174 --> 00:06:25,426
"Let's watch The Nun." A new horror movie

137
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about a satanic nun that kills everyone.

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"No, honey, it's scary."

139
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"Agustín, come on.
Let's watch it. It's harmless."

140
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"I don't want to."

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00:06:33,434 --> 00:06:35,770
"Let's watch The Nun, make it a date."

142
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"I don't want to."

143
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I thought, "I need to grow up.
At least, I'll watch the trailer."

144
00:06:40,650 --> 00:06:43,694
I look it up, put in on.
It starts like this.

145
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"In a chapel, a nun…"

146
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Enough. Pooped my pants.
All the way to my ankles.

147
00:06:49,492 --> 00:06:52,495
I couldn't even watch the trailer.
I don't like horrors.

148
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People go on and on about Stranger Things.
"Watch it. There are three seasons…"

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I don't want to, I'm scared.
I get nightmares.

150
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"Watch it."

151
00:07:00,628 --> 00:07:04,715
There are ads on the highway,
Stranger Things.

152
00:07:04,799 --> 00:07:08,469
"Watch it. There is a bald girl
that switches channels with her mind."

153
00:07:08,553 --> 00:07:10,096
I won't watch Stranger Things.

154
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They tried so hard that I went,

155
00:07:11,848 --> 00:07:14,183
"I don't want to miss out.
I have to watch it."

156
00:07:14,767 --> 00:07:17,478
I couldn't do it alone.
I asked my 12-year-old, Bianca.

157
00:07:17,562 --> 00:07:19,188
And she said, "It's too scary."

158
00:07:19,272 --> 00:07:21,065
"Bianca, let's watch it."

159
00:07:21,149 --> 00:07:22,358
"I'll get nightmares."

160
00:07:22,442 --> 00:07:25,570
"Honey, grow up, don't be silly.
Let's watch it, it's fine."

161
00:07:25,653 --> 00:07:26,988
"Dad, it's too scary."

162
00:07:27,071 --> 00:07:30,491
"I make the rules in this house.
We're watching Stranger Things."

163
00:07:31,117 --> 00:07:34,120
So I put on Stranger Things. Pressed play.

164
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One episode. We couldn't watch any more.
In broad daylight, at 5 p.m.

165
00:07:41,461 --> 00:07:42,295
And that night…

166
00:07:42,378 --> 00:07:46,007
"It's not real. Demogorgons
are made of latex. It's all fiction,"

167
00:07:46,090 --> 00:07:48,009
Bianca kept saying to me
until I fell asleep.

168
00:07:48,092 --> 00:07:49,719
I don't like horror movies.

169
00:07:51,179 --> 00:07:53,181
I was thinking about my father.

170
00:07:53,264 --> 00:07:56,100
Boy, is he intense! In everything he does.

171
00:07:56,184 --> 00:07:58,644
My old man is intense and antsy.

172
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It's a ticking bomb.
There's no way around it.

173
00:08:01,939 --> 00:08:04,358
He's insufferable.
Really, he's too intense.

174
00:08:04,442 --> 00:08:07,153
Intense to the point
when he'd ask a question

175
00:08:07,862 --> 00:08:09,614
and answer it himself. Unbearable.

176
00:08:09,697 --> 00:08:11,782
"How are you doing? Good? Looks that way."

177
00:08:11,866 --> 00:08:14,785
"Yesterday, not so fine. Better today.
Watched your video."

178
00:08:14,869 --> 00:08:16,662
"How's Bianca? Great, right?"

179
00:08:16,746 --> 00:08:18,956
"Will you tape the Netflix special?"

180
00:08:19,040 --> 00:08:21,042
"You must do the horn. People love it."

181
00:08:21,125 --> 00:08:23,836
"They always ask about Rada's horn!"

182
00:08:23,920 --> 00:08:25,838
"Is Bianca studying medicine?"

183
00:08:25,922 --> 00:08:28,132
"No, Dad, Bianca is 14. Give me a break!"

184
00:08:28,716 --> 00:08:30,676
He won't let me talk. He's too intense.

185
00:08:30,760 --> 00:08:33,679
He puts on his shoes before his socks.
He's too much!

186
00:08:33,763 --> 00:08:35,681
When he blows his nose,

187
00:08:35,765 --> 00:08:38,309
he blows so hard that we've always feared

188
00:08:38,392 --> 00:08:40,728
he'd have a stroke and be crippled.
He goes…

189
00:08:41,354 --> 00:08:44,148
His leg even kicks back.
That's how hard he blows!

190
00:08:44,232 --> 00:08:46,359
He's intense. Too intense.

191
00:08:47,151 --> 00:08:49,070
When my dad eats ice cream, he goes…

192
00:08:55,451 --> 00:08:58,913
He gets a brain freeze!
Until Mom comes with a warm towel,

193
00:08:58,996 --> 00:09:00,248
he won't snap out of it.

194
00:09:00,331 --> 00:09:01,541
My dad is very intense.

195
00:09:02,291 --> 00:09:05,169
There's an anecdote
I usually tell my friends.

196
00:09:05,253 --> 00:09:07,421
A story that defines Dad.
Should I tell it?

197
00:09:08,005 --> 00:09:09,382
Yeah? No? Should I?

198
00:09:09,465 --> 00:09:10,967
Yeah, I will. It's short.

199
00:09:11,050 --> 00:09:13,386
I'm going off script, but it's worth it.

200
00:09:13,469 --> 00:09:16,973
My dad is a ceramicist.
He likes pottery, or whatever.

201
00:09:17,056 --> 00:09:19,850
He's a creative guy.
Always makes stuff with wood too.

202
00:09:19,934 --> 00:09:22,061
He passed that on to me. The wood stuff.

203
00:09:22,728 --> 00:09:25,439
A while back,
I visited him in Bahía Blanca.

204
00:09:25,523 --> 00:09:28,401
I was having mate with Mom,
and Dad called me and said,

205
00:09:28,484 --> 00:09:30,611
"Come out here, Agustín."

206
00:09:30,695 --> 00:09:33,030
"Come on, come here, it'll take a minute!"

207
00:09:33,114 --> 00:09:34,615
I walked out. "What's up?"

208
00:09:34,699 --> 00:09:35,992
"Listen. You know what?"

209
00:09:36,075 --> 00:09:37,493
"Slow down, I can't…"

210
00:09:37,577 --> 00:09:38,661
"Listen to me."

211
00:09:39,245 --> 00:09:40,580
"For a while now,

212
00:09:40,663 --> 00:09:42,999
I haven't had any ideas
for a pot or a vase."

213
00:09:43,082 --> 00:09:44,584
"You're an artist…"

214
00:09:44,667 --> 00:09:45,668
"I've read somewhere

215
00:09:45,751 --> 00:09:49,338
that artists usually take something
to stimulate imagination."

216
00:09:49,422 --> 00:09:50,631
"Do you have anything?"

217
00:09:50,715 --> 00:09:51,591
"I don't follow."

218
00:09:51,674 --> 00:09:53,634
"You know what I mean," he said. "Dad?"

219
00:09:56,470 --> 00:09:57,680
"Are you…?"

220
00:09:58,264 --> 00:10:00,433
"Are you asking me for pot?"

221
00:10:00,516 --> 00:10:02,101
"No! Mom will hear you!"

222
00:10:02,184 --> 00:10:05,313
"Mom smokes, Dad.
She smokes with her friends in Monte."

223
00:10:05,396 --> 00:10:07,356
"Don't ask me for illegal stuff."

224
00:10:07,440 --> 00:10:09,066
"I don't have any, I don't use."

225
00:10:09,150 --> 00:10:11,485
"Really, I don't."

226
00:10:11,569 --> 00:10:13,904
"I'm mildly famous.
I have a teenage daughter."

227
00:10:13,988 --> 00:10:15,531
"I have to teach by example."

228
00:10:15,615 --> 00:10:17,533
"I don't have pot, really."

229
00:10:21,120 --> 00:10:23,372
"Luckily for you, I saw Ruter today."

230
00:10:23,456 --> 00:10:26,000
"Do you know Ruter?
He's an old friend of mine."

231
00:10:26,083 --> 00:10:28,919
"He's a farmer, he has a garden,
he likes to explore."

232
00:10:29,003 --> 00:10:32,298
"He makes hybrids,
experiments with grafts. Tomatoes, basil,

233
00:10:32,381 --> 00:10:35,384
but a little birdie
randomly brought him a Mary Jane seed."

234
00:10:35,468 --> 00:10:37,803
"You wouldn't believe
how much pot he has now!"

235
00:10:37,887 --> 00:10:39,513
"Every strain imaginable!"

236
00:10:39,597 --> 00:10:43,142
"Krippy, Kush, Sherbert,
Runtz, Mimosa, Zkittlez."

237
00:10:43,225 --> 00:10:44,518
"You'll get crazy high."

238
00:10:44,602 --> 00:10:46,687
I said, "Dad, he brought me a jar."

239
00:10:46,771 --> 00:10:48,230
"Now, please, pace yourself."

240
00:10:48,314 --> 00:10:49,732
"One puff, and wait for it."

241
00:10:49,815 --> 00:10:52,526
"It's like fishing.
Cast the line, wait for the bite."

242
00:10:52,610 --> 00:10:55,655
"You gotta be careful
because you're very intense."

243
00:10:55,738 --> 00:10:57,823
"No, I'm not…" "Dad, please."

244
00:10:58,824 --> 00:11:01,243
I gave him the jar
and returned to Buenos Aires.

245
00:11:01,327 --> 00:11:04,580
Many months later,
I was in the city of Cordoba,

246
00:11:04,664 --> 00:11:08,167
doing a double show
of a previous set, with the band.

247
00:11:08,250 --> 00:11:10,461
I went to my dressing room
between the shows,

248
00:11:10,878 --> 00:11:12,004
took my phone,

249
00:11:12,088 --> 00:11:16,509
and there were 12 missed calls
from my brother who lives in the USA.

250
00:11:16,592 --> 00:11:18,719
Also, 14 missed calls from my mom.

251
00:11:19,637 --> 00:11:22,848
It was clear to me
that Dad had died a tragic death.

252
00:11:22,932 --> 00:11:25,309
Otherwise, I'd have
missed calls from him too.

253
00:11:25,393 --> 00:11:27,478
I called my brother, thinking,

254
00:11:27,561 --> 00:11:31,273
"Did I say everything I wanted?
Did I really say goodbye?"

255
00:11:31,357 --> 00:11:32,692
"Manuel, what happened?"

256
00:11:32,775 --> 00:11:35,903
"Call Mom, Dad is going nuts."

257
00:11:35,986 --> 00:11:37,905
"What's up, Mom?"

258
00:11:37,988 --> 00:11:41,492
"What did you give your father?
He's high as a kite."

259
00:11:41,575 --> 00:11:42,451
I went like this.

260
00:11:42,535 --> 00:11:46,330
In the background, I could hear him go,
"Legalize marijuana!"

261
00:11:46,414 --> 00:11:48,165
I pictured my dad running around.

262
00:11:48,249 --> 00:11:49,792
I said, "Mom, calm down."

263
00:11:49,875 --> 00:11:52,086
She said, "Agustín, should I call 911?"

264
00:11:52,169 --> 00:11:56,257
"No, Mom, there's a pound of pot there.
We'll all go to jail. Even Bianca."

265
00:11:56,340 --> 00:11:58,008
"Relax, Mom, please."

266
00:11:58,092 --> 00:11:59,093
"What do I do then?"

267
00:11:59,176 --> 00:12:00,928
"Take Dad outside." "He won't go."

268
00:12:01,011 --> 00:12:02,596
"Throw out a cookie. He'll go."

269
00:12:02,680 --> 00:12:05,516
"Once he does and starts
running around in circles,

270
00:12:05,599 --> 00:12:07,518
hose him down. And when he comes down,

271
00:12:07,601 --> 00:12:10,730
give him chocolate.
Or a soda. Something with lots of sugar."

272
00:12:10,813 --> 00:12:13,190
"The guys in the band told me that sugar

273
00:12:13,691 --> 00:12:16,569
breaks down tetrahydrocannabinol,
and it'll sober him up."

274
00:12:16,652 --> 00:12:17,486
"See you later."

275
00:12:17,570 --> 00:12:20,781
That's how intense my dad is.
Insufferable. So intense.

276
00:12:20,865 --> 00:12:21,741
One time…

277
00:12:23,576 --> 00:12:25,202
Once we moved to a house

278
00:12:25,286 --> 00:12:27,413
that was smaller than the previous one.

279
00:12:27,496 --> 00:12:30,583
Unbearable. My dad insisted
we needed another room.

280
00:12:30,666 --> 00:12:32,209
"Dad, you'd already seen it."

281
00:12:32,293 --> 00:12:34,211
"We need another room."

282
00:12:34,295 --> 00:12:35,629
"We can't have it."

283
00:12:35,713 --> 00:12:39,049
"Why not? I put up a beam in the lightwell
and poke some holes."

284
00:12:39,133 --> 00:12:40,634
"Tin roofing, a window, a fan,

285
00:12:40,718 --> 00:12:43,304
a computer, some paintings,
and we have a new room."

286
00:12:43,387 --> 00:12:46,265
"Dad, no way you can build
a room in the lightwel."

287
00:12:46,348 --> 00:12:49,059
"Watch me." Two hours later,
he was hammering the wall.

288
00:12:51,312 --> 00:12:54,190
He poked, he installed,
he put up, he roofed.

289
00:12:54,273 --> 00:12:57,943
A new room… within five hours.

290
00:12:58,027 --> 00:13:01,655
Amazing. Electrical wiring,
lights, all perfect.

291
00:13:02,281 --> 00:13:05,367
And Mom, same as usual,

292
00:13:05,451 --> 00:13:09,622
was cheering Dad on
with a cup of mate in her hand, saying,

293
00:13:09,705 --> 00:13:12,374
"Roberto, you're a moron."

294
00:13:12,458 --> 00:13:16,212
"We're moving in the next 18 months!
This is a waste of money!"

295
00:13:17,129 --> 00:13:19,298
The kitchen is smaller

296
00:13:19,381 --> 00:13:20,966
The bathroom is bigger

297
00:13:21,050 --> 00:13:24,637
I can't do anything
Without a good credit score

298
00:13:25,221 --> 00:13:28,098
And all the doormen are called Ramón

299
00:13:28,182 --> 00:13:31,519
Every two years, I sing him this song

300
00:13:32,394 --> 00:13:35,856
Come home for dinner
I'll show my gratitude

301
00:13:35,940 --> 00:13:40,027
It's all still in boxes
I can't find the food

302
00:13:40,611 --> 00:13:43,322
I moved from the first to the sixth floor

303
00:13:43,405 --> 00:13:46,075
I can't find the key
Or I mixed it up again

304
00:13:48,077 --> 00:13:50,704
The security deposit
Is a one month's rent

305
00:13:50,788 --> 00:13:53,707
One, or two, or three for the commission

306
00:13:55,835 --> 00:13:58,754
The guarantee better be from Capital

307
00:13:58,838 --> 00:14:01,423
I can't imagine living here

308
00:14:01,507 --> 00:14:02,967
No, no!

309
00:14:03,050 --> 00:14:06,887
I don't believe in runes

310
00:14:06,971 --> 00:14:10,558
I don't buy into tarot

311
00:14:10,641 --> 00:14:14,270
Ludovica says
That in the Chinese Zodiac

312
00:14:14,353 --> 00:14:18,023
I'm a tenant

313
00:14:18,107 --> 00:14:20,150
The harmonica.

314
00:14:20,234 --> 00:14:22,236
I had a harmonica here. I had one…

315
00:14:22,319 --> 00:14:24,238
There's a box with harmonicas,

316
00:14:24,321 --> 00:14:26,365
a recorder, a VHS…

317
00:14:26,448 --> 00:14:29,201
Did you find…? I labeled it.

318
00:14:29,285 --> 00:14:30,369
Oh, fuck off.

319
00:14:31,537 --> 00:14:34,665
I travel light, like the wind

320
00:14:34,748 --> 00:14:38,502
I don't really have a flat

321
00:14:39,211 --> 00:14:42,506
A ukulele, the bed and the wardrobe

322
00:14:42,590 --> 00:14:45,426
Every two years, I gotta move

323
00:14:46,802 --> 00:14:49,638
I can't stand my neighbor

324
00:14:49,722 --> 00:14:52,850
We don't talk, it's a matter of skin

325
00:14:54,643 --> 00:14:57,354
I hate her shitty little dog

326
00:14:57,438 --> 00:15:00,190
She hates me because I smoke pot

327
00:15:00,274 --> 00:15:01,817
It's my Dad! Not my fault!

328
00:15:01,901 --> 00:15:04,361
I don't believe in runes

329
00:15:04,445 --> 00:15:05,404
No!

330
00:15:05,487 --> 00:15:08,782
I don't buy into tarot

331
00:15:09,325 --> 00:15:13,162
Ludovica says
That in the Chinese Zodiac

332
00:15:13,245 --> 00:15:17,458
I'm a tenant

333
00:15:21,837 --> 00:15:25,507
I like this Broadway ending
with an imaginary hat.

334
00:15:26,133 --> 00:15:28,427
"The thing about moving with toys

335
00:15:28,510 --> 00:15:32,640
is that they have to be small
and portable enough

336
00:15:32,723 --> 00:15:34,016
to fit in a box."

337
00:15:34,642 --> 00:15:36,560
That's what my parents always told me.

338
00:15:36,644 --> 00:15:37,686
I had two toys.

339
00:15:37,770 --> 00:15:39,104
And I was happy with that.

340
00:15:39,772 --> 00:15:43,609
I had a white ninja and a Rambo.

341
00:15:44,193 --> 00:15:46,070
You remember Rambo?

342
00:15:46,153 --> 00:15:48,989
They were great, right? I still have it.

343
00:15:49,490 --> 00:15:51,992
A Rambo with skinny jeans.

344
00:15:52,076 --> 00:15:54,578
Skinny jeans didn't even exist back then,

345
00:15:54,662 --> 00:15:57,748
and Rambo had thick thighs
and a crotch this size.

346
00:15:57,831 --> 00:16:01,919
"What's up with that, Rambo?
You're training too much, Rambo!"

347
00:16:02,002 --> 00:16:05,589
Arms this big, with his bandana,
all sweaty, with long hair.

348
00:16:05,673 --> 00:16:07,049
That Rambo was fine.

349
00:16:07,132 --> 00:16:09,093
He had a knife this long.

350
00:16:09,176 --> 00:16:11,178
It was like another dick, or something.

351
00:16:11,261 --> 00:16:13,889
I'd look at him and think,
"Come here, Rambo."

352
00:16:14,598 --> 00:16:16,767
"I'll kill you, bastard," says the Ninja.

353
00:16:16,850 --> 00:16:18,936
"I'm gonna slaughter you." "Go, go, go!"

354
00:16:25,859 --> 00:16:28,445
Sometimes you'd make them
snog a bit, right?

355
00:16:28,529 --> 00:16:30,072
Your action figures. No?

356
00:16:30,155 --> 00:16:32,449
You didn't flip him over
and give him some?

357
00:16:32,533 --> 00:16:34,702
He was flexible,
could handle all positions.

358
00:16:34,785 --> 00:16:37,121
Some kama… 69? Nobody?

359
00:16:37,204 --> 00:16:38,038
No?

360
00:16:38,122 --> 00:16:39,039
No…

361
00:16:39,581 --> 00:16:42,334
Never, man?
Never shoved a Rambo up your ass?

362
00:16:42,418 --> 00:16:43,836
When you were six or seven?

363
00:16:48,215 --> 00:16:50,384
I did. It was…

364
00:16:51,176 --> 00:16:54,096
It was a self-discovery time
with action figures.

365
00:16:54,179 --> 00:16:56,724
I was kind of obsessed
with action figure sex.

366
00:16:56,807 --> 00:16:59,309
I hid Rambo and took him everywhere.

367
00:16:59,393 --> 00:17:03,814
My cousin across the street, Paula,
had a different socioeconomic status.

368
00:17:03,897 --> 00:17:07,026
She had an awesome expensive dollhouse.

369
00:17:07,109 --> 00:17:08,318
She had 14 dolls.

370
00:17:08,402 --> 00:17:10,904
I took Rambo, went to Paula's to play,

371
00:17:10,988 --> 00:17:12,489
opened the door, threw him in.

372
00:17:12,573 --> 00:17:15,409
"This is gonna get ugly," I thought.

373
00:17:15,492 --> 00:17:17,536
I came back to find Rambo wearing makeup.

374
00:17:17,619 --> 00:17:21,081
"Good, Rambo! So progressive."
And I took him back.

375
00:17:22,708 --> 00:17:27,629
I couldn't care less
about Rambo, the dolls, and the ninja.

376
00:17:27,713 --> 00:17:31,550
I just wanted my parents
to buy me that thing I was dying to have.

377
00:17:31,633 --> 00:17:32,468
I never got it.

378
00:17:33,135 --> 00:17:36,513
It was just a simple toy.
I wanted nothing else.

379
00:17:37,056 --> 00:17:39,266
"I don't want a party,
I'll fast for a week."

380
00:17:39,349 --> 00:17:40,309
You know, I wanted…

381
00:17:42,019 --> 00:17:44,188
I wanted a plastic truck.

382
00:17:44,855 --> 00:17:46,148
An unbreakable one.

383
00:17:47,066 --> 00:17:51,653
I don't know what they were made of.
They were military-grade materials.

384
00:17:52,738 --> 00:17:54,364
An unbreakable truck.

385
00:17:54,448 --> 00:17:57,910
"Mom, buy me the truck.
Dad. I won't ask for anything else."

386
00:17:57,993 --> 00:18:00,621
"Buy me the truck. The truck."

387
00:18:00,704 --> 00:18:05,125
"The truck, truck, truck…"

388
00:18:05,709 --> 00:18:06,794
They never bought it.

389
00:18:06,877 --> 00:18:07,711
Never bought it.

390
00:18:08,629 --> 00:18:11,131
Still, I was very smart
for a six-year-old.

391
00:18:11,215 --> 00:18:12,883
I thought, "I'll get my own

392
00:18:12,966 --> 00:18:16,345
unbreakable plastic truck."

393
00:18:16,428 --> 00:18:19,264
I grabbed pen and paper, and wrote,

394
00:18:19,348 --> 00:18:20,808
"Dear Santa Claus,

395
00:18:20,891 --> 00:18:22,768
I'd love it if this Christmas

396
00:18:22,851 --> 00:18:26,438
you brought me
an unbreakable plastic truck."

397
00:18:27,648 --> 00:18:29,858
"Love, Agustín Aristarán."

398
00:18:29,942 --> 00:18:34,154
"P.S. Don't forget,
we moved three times this year."

399
00:18:34,238 --> 00:18:36,198
"Make sure it's the right house."

400
00:18:36,281 --> 00:18:39,326
"Love you loads, Agustín Aristarán."

401
00:18:39,409 --> 00:18:41,245
I drew a Christmas tree,

402
00:18:41,328 --> 00:18:44,248
a serving of turkey with gravy,
some mulled cider,

403
00:18:44,790 --> 00:18:48,836
and a lot of snow,
like we get every December in Argentina.

404
00:18:50,671 --> 00:18:52,923
And I sent the letter on August 22nd.

405
00:18:53,006 --> 00:18:55,217
I was a little anxious. And I waited.

406
00:18:55,801 --> 00:18:57,886
Waited in the living room

407
00:18:57,970 --> 00:19:01,140
where the Chrismas tree
would normally be put up.

408
00:19:04,935 --> 00:19:06,645
Two days later, Mom says,

409
00:19:06,728 --> 00:19:08,939
"Agustín, your father and I talked,

410
00:19:09,022 --> 00:19:12,943
and we think the unbreakable truck
is a little too expensive

411
00:19:13,026 --> 00:19:14,278
for Santa Claus."

412
00:19:15,320 --> 00:19:16,572
Fucking parents!

413
00:19:18,115 --> 00:19:19,741
"Do you go through my mail now?"

414
00:19:20,367 --> 00:19:21,618
I wrote another letter.

415
00:19:21,702 --> 00:19:22,870
"Dear Santa Claus,

416
00:19:22,953 --> 00:19:25,622
since the confidentiality
of my correspondence

417
00:19:25,706 --> 00:19:27,416
has been breached in this house,

418
00:19:27,499 --> 00:19:30,669
I'm sending this second letter
through other means."

419
00:19:30,752 --> 00:19:33,672
"Remember Mariano Brancamonte,
my schoolmate?"

420
00:19:33,755 --> 00:19:35,883
"The blonde simpleton
that sits behind me?"

421
00:19:35,966 --> 00:19:39,428
"Last year, he did not behave at all."

422
00:19:39,511 --> 00:19:42,931
"You still gave him
an 18-gear mountain bike and a headlight."

423
00:19:43,015 --> 00:19:45,601
"I, on the other hand,
was on my best behavior,

424
00:19:45,684 --> 00:19:48,395
and you gave me
an Incredible Hulk bubble blower."

425
00:19:49,188 --> 00:19:50,647
"I hate you, Santa!"

426
00:19:50,731 --> 00:19:52,816
"I expect that this year, at midnight,

427
00:19:52,900 --> 00:19:56,236
I'll find an unbreakable plastic truck
under the tree,

428
00:19:56,320 --> 00:19:59,281
because otherwise
I'm torching your sled, your reindeer

429
00:19:59,364 --> 00:20:00,908
and all your other crap."

430
00:20:01,491 --> 00:20:02,326
"Dick."

431
00:20:02,910 --> 00:20:05,162
"Love you loads, Agustín Aristarán."

432
00:20:07,039 --> 00:20:08,207
And I sent the letter.

433
00:20:08,707 --> 00:20:12,169
On December 24th,
I woke up a little anxious.

434
00:20:12,252 --> 00:20:14,546
"Mom, where is he? When is Santa coming?"

435
00:20:14,630 --> 00:20:16,423
"It's the 24th, Santa is coming."

436
00:20:16,506 --> 00:20:18,592
"When is he coming? Where's Dad? Where?"

437
00:20:18,675 --> 00:20:20,594
"Outside, having ice cream? Dad!"

438
00:20:20,677 --> 00:20:21,970
"What's happened?"

439
00:20:22,054 --> 00:20:24,389
"Stop eating ice cream, Dad, please!"

440
00:20:24,473 --> 00:20:27,434
"How do we speed things up?
I need Santa to arrive!"

441
00:20:27,517 --> 00:20:29,561
Let's put out peanuts." And we did.

442
00:20:29,645 --> 00:20:30,729
"The cider is warm."

443
00:20:30,812 --> 00:20:32,731
"Put it in the freezer!" "Still warm."

444
00:20:32,814 --> 00:20:35,734
"In the freezer!"
"Still warm!"

445
00:20:35,817 --> 00:20:37,236
"Close the door!" Done.

446
00:20:37,319 --> 00:20:39,529
"Dad, did you buy firecrackers?"

447
00:20:39,613 --> 00:20:41,031
"Yeah, look."

448
00:20:41,114 --> 00:20:44,326
"When's Santa coming?" "Midnight."
"What time is it?" "Midnight."

449
00:20:44,409 --> 00:20:46,828
And there it was.
The gift I've been waiting for.

450
00:20:48,580 --> 00:20:50,832
The unbreakable plastic truck!

451
00:20:51,959 --> 00:20:54,044
I thought it would be bigger.

452
00:20:56,338 --> 00:20:57,214
Could that be it?

453
00:20:58,757 --> 00:20:59,591
That's strange.

454
00:21:00,175 --> 00:21:02,970
Santa's handwriting was the same as Mom's.

455
00:21:10,143 --> 00:21:13,647
I unwrapped that box
like it was a professional stripper.

456
00:21:18,318 --> 00:21:19,444
A magician's box?

457
00:21:25,742 --> 00:21:26,576
"Santa…"

458
00:21:27,536 --> 00:21:29,329
"Are you illiterate or just dumb?"

459
00:21:29,413 --> 00:21:32,291
"I asked for an unbreakable
plastic truck."

460
00:21:34,251 --> 00:21:37,087
"I don't want to be a magician.
I want to drive a truck."

461
00:21:37,170 --> 00:21:38,797
"A dump truck across the world."

462
00:21:40,340 --> 00:21:42,509
MAGIC
SHOW

463
00:21:42,592 --> 00:21:43,844
"Become a magician."

464
00:21:45,137 --> 00:21:47,931
"Instructions.
Disappear an egg in the red cup."

465
00:21:48,515 --> 00:21:50,892
"Take the red cup
and look at the audience."

466
00:21:54,187 --> 00:21:55,188
There's no one here.

467
00:21:56,857 --> 00:21:59,401
"Open the cup, it will contain an egg."

468
00:22:00,027 --> 00:22:02,696
"Remove the egg and show the empty cup."

469
00:22:05,907 --> 00:22:09,661
"Cover the cup, and place the egg
in your right pocket."

470
00:22:12,914 --> 00:22:14,750
"Look at the audience." Still empty.

471
00:22:18,670 --> 00:22:21,506
"Snap your fingers
and say the magic words."

472
00:22:21,590 --> 00:22:23,717
"Abraca…" Screw you, Santa.

473
00:22:23,800 --> 00:22:26,595
"You'll see the egg
disappeared from your pocket

474
00:22:26,678 --> 00:22:28,513
and appeared in the…" No!

475
00:22:35,979 --> 00:22:36,813
No way!

476
00:22:39,149 --> 00:22:40,817
No way!

477
00:22:50,369 --> 00:22:52,079
It appears. It disappears.

478
00:22:52,162 --> 00:22:54,456
It appears. It disappears.

479
00:22:54,539 --> 00:22:56,708
It appears
It disappears

480
00:22:56,792 --> 00:22:58,835
Long mustache
Short mustache

481
00:22:58,919 --> 00:23:01,088
Long mustache
Short mustache

482
00:23:01,171 --> 00:23:03,465
Where's the egg?
Here it is

483
00:23:03,548 --> 00:23:05,509
In the hand
And now it's gone

484
00:23:05,592 --> 00:23:07,844
Where is it?
Here it is

485
00:23:07,928 --> 00:23:10,764
Put it in your hand, toss it
Now it's in your nose

486
00:23:10,847 --> 00:23:12,474
And just like that,

487
00:23:12,557 --> 00:23:14,434
in Bahía Blanca, at six years of age,

488
00:23:14,518 --> 00:23:16,144
a magician was born…

489
00:23:16,228 --> 00:23:18,146
Rada, hey!

490
00:23:21,316 --> 00:23:23,026
That's some magic.

491
00:23:23,110 --> 00:23:24,403
Thanks for the applause.

492
00:23:24,486 --> 00:23:26,738
I can sense the applause.

493
00:23:26,822 --> 00:23:28,657
I was out of control with magic.

494
00:23:28,740 --> 00:23:31,243
Look at the handkerchief go.

495
00:23:31,952 --> 00:23:33,870
This was all planned, baby.

496
00:23:35,247 --> 00:23:36,373
That's some magic.

497
00:23:36,456 --> 00:23:39,126
Whenever a relative came over,
what would Agus do?

498
00:23:39,209 --> 00:23:41,378
He'd perform a marvelous magic show.

499
00:23:41,962 --> 00:23:44,798
And suddenly, all the relatives
stopped coming to visit.

500
00:23:45,465 --> 00:23:47,050
I was obsessed with magic.

501
00:23:47,134 --> 00:23:49,886
Doves, handkerchiefs,
coins, all that stuff.

502
00:23:49,970 --> 00:23:52,973
Cigars that appeared and disappeared.

503
00:23:53,598 --> 00:23:56,893
You could always count on grandma.
My grandma came down for mate.

504
00:23:56,977 --> 00:24:00,230
I told her I had an amazing card trick.

505
00:24:00,313 --> 00:24:02,774
"I've been rehearsing it.
It'll blow your mind!"

506
00:24:02,858 --> 00:24:05,777
"Grandma, look at the cards."
I took them out and shuffled.

507
00:24:05,861 --> 00:24:06,945
I kept on shuffling.

508
00:24:07,571 --> 00:24:08,572
I kept on shuffling.

509
00:24:09,072 --> 00:24:11,366
"Pick any card, it doesn't matter which."

510
00:24:11,450 --> 00:24:14,035
"Pick it, remember it,
put it back. Perfect."

511
00:24:14,119 --> 00:24:15,662
I kept on shuffling.

512
00:24:18,457 --> 00:24:20,083
I shuffled, a card went flying.

513
00:24:20,167 --> 00:24:22,752
Picked it up, tossed behind my back,
grabbed again.

514
00:24:22,836 --> 00:24:24,546
"Grandma, this is your card."

515
00:24:24,629 --> 00:24:27,257
"I don't remember."
For fuck's sake. You old hag.

516
00:24:27,340 --> 00:24:29,593
You couldn't say 7 of Clubs?
Was it so hard?

517
00:24:30,177 --> 00:24:32,512
Or 8 of Diamonds, 4 of Capricorn,
5 of Batman?

518
00:24:32,596 --> 00:24:33,805
All the same, who cares!

519
00:24:37,267 --> 00:24:39,311
I was obsessed with magic. Obsessed!

520
00:24:39,394 --> 00:24:42,314
I was unstoppable.
I was doing magic all day.

521
00:24:42,397 --> 00:24:45,484
I did magic at school,
at a friend's house,

522
00:24:45,567 --> 00:24:47,486
while playing soccer.

523
00:24:47,569 --> 00:24:50,322
As a teenager, I did magic at barbecues.

524
00:24:50,405 --> 00:24:51,406
"You want a burger?"

525
00:24:51,490 --> 00:24:53,533
"No, four of Diamonds!" "Oh, fuck off."

526
00:24:53,617 --> 00:24:56,578
I was obsessed with magic.
Totally obsessed.

527
00:24:57,162 --> 00:25:00,582
Eventually, my friend Gonzalo said to me,

528
00:25:00,665 --> 00:25:02,959
"Rada, all you do these days
is magic, right?"

529
00:25:03,043 --> 00:25:05,378
"Magic! I want a handkerchief.
Here it is!"

530
00:25:05,462 --> 00:25:06,671
A cage, a water heater.

531
00:25:06,755 --> 00:25:08,798
I was out of control with my magic.

532
00:25:08,882 --> 00:25:12,469
"Don't you do anything else?"
"Just magic, magic!"

533
00:25:12,552 --> 00:25:15,931
"Don't you like any girls?
Don't you wanna get laid?"

534
00:25:16,014 --> 00:25:17,390
"You're right."

535
00:25:18,099 --> 00:25:19,601
I hadn't have my first time.

536
00:25:19,684 --> 00:25:22,187
Never got laid before.
You gotta get laid at 17.

537
00:25:22,270 --> 00:25:24,147
It says it right there, in Wikipedia!

538
00:25:24,231 --> 00:25:25,232
"Dad!"

539
00:25:25,315 --> 00:25:26,900
"What? What's up?"

540
00:25:31,863 --> 00:25:34,449
"Dad, listen, I need some advice.
Man to man."

541
00:25:34,533 --> 00:25:37,369
"I'm still a virgin. I need your help."

542
00:25:37,452 --> 00:25:39,246
"I have an urge to get laid."

543
00:25:39,329 --> 00:25:42,624
"What? You still haven't done it, Son?
It's easy. Piece of cake!"

544
00:25:42,707 --> 00:25:45,085
"Talk to a guy or a girl,
whichever you like."

545
00:25:45,168 --> 00:25:47,712
"Have a drink, touch each other…"

546
00:25:47,796 --> 00:25:48,797
"Sorry, Son."

547
00:25:50,090 --> 00:25:51,466
"I'm a brute. Forgive me."

548
00:25:52,133 --> 00:25:56,096
"I thought I was talking to your brother.
You're the younger one. The magician."

549
00:25:56,263 --> 00:25:58,223
"Forget it. Magicians don't get laid."

550
00:26:03,061 --> 00:26:04,729
And Dad was so right.

551
00:26:06,356 --> 00:26:07,649
Magicians don't get laid.

552
00:26:08,567 --> 00:26:11,861
Some would say magicians are always, like…

553
00:26:13,280 --> 00:26:14,114
No.

554
00:26:15,198 --> 00:26:16,575
There's no way.

555
00:26:16,658 --> 00:26:17,909
There are two…

556
00:26:17,993 --> 00:26:21,705
The WHO says, people of two professions
have no chance of having sex.

557
00:26:21,788 --> 00:26:23,123
First is magicians,

558
00:26:23,206 --> 00:26:25,500
because we're morons
that fool around all day.

559
00:26:25,584 --> 00:26:27,669
Second is chess players,

560
00:26:27,752 --> 00:26:30,380
due to their ability to smell like ass.

561
00:26:30,463 --> 00:26:33,300
It's bizarre! We have no chance!

562
00:26:33,383 --> 00:26:34,843
Listen to me.

563
00:26:34,926 --> 00:26:38,263
If I say magician, what is
the first thing that comes to mind?

564
00:26:38,805 --> 00:26:41,891
A Las Vegas magician. All made up.

565
00:26:43,018 --> 00:26:44,644
Styling gel. Hair straight up.

566
00:26:45,604 --> 00:26:47,814
Belt buckle with four aces.

567
00:26:47,897 --> 00:26:49,649
Loads of shiny black clothes.

568
00:26:49,733 --> 00:26:51,651
Two panthers. Fan blowing in the face.

569
00:26:52,861 --> 00:26:53,820
Las Vegas music.

570
00:26:59,659 --> 00:27:02,329
Out of this world.
In comes the girl, his assistant.

571
00:27:02,412 --> 00:27:04,581
Always behind him, never in front of him.

572
00:27:04,664 --> 00:27:05,874
Because they are sexist.

573
00:27:05,957 --> 00:27:08,126
Assholes, idiots, and also sexist.

574
00:27:08,209 --> 00:27:09,961
The girl does a somersault,

575
00:27:10,045 --> 00:27:11,421
gets inside a box this big.

576
00:27:11,504 --> 00:27:12,339
Poor thing!

577
00:27:12,922 --> 00:27:15,175
She is all curled up in there.

578
00:27:15,800 --> 00:27:16,801
He picks up a spear.

579
00:27:18,345 --> 00:27:19,763
He stabs her with the spear.

580
00:27:20,722 --> 00:27:21,598
Picks up another.

581
00:27:23,016 --> 00:27:25,393
He spits on her, shits on her,
sets her on fire.

582
00:27:25,477 --> 00:27:28,396
The girl comes out in a new outfit.
Who gets the applause?

583
00:27:28,480 --> 00:27:29,564
The fucking magician.

584
00:27:31,816 --> 00:27:34,277
Come on! No chance of getting laid there.

585
00:27:34,361 --> 00:27:37,572
If you have coffee with a magician,
pay attention.

586
00:27:37,656 --> 00:27:41,201
You're having coffee and asking,
"What do you do?" "I'm a magician."

587
00:27:41,284 --> 00:27:44,245
Please, never go, "No way!"

588
00:27:44,329 --> 00:27:48,041
Because if you go "No way!"
it would trigger

589
00:27:48,124 --> 00:27:51,586
a landslide of bullshit
that he won't be able to control.

590
00:27:52,170 --> 00:27:55,674
"Didn't you know I was a magician?
I can't believe it! Look at this!"

591
00:27:56,257 --> 00:27:58,176
"I got your spoon. It's in my hand."

592
00:27:58,259 --> 00:28:00,762
"Where is it? It's disappeared.
It's gone!"

593
00:28:01,554 --> 00:28:02,764
"Here it is."

594
00:28:03,306 --> 00:28:04,808
"You liked that. I have more!"

595
00:28:04,891 --> 00:28:06,476
"Put it in my hand. It's gone!"

596
00:28:06,559 --> 00:28:09,104
"Where is it? Here? Here? Or here?"

597
00:28:09,187 --> 00:28:11,189
"No! Here! In your ear."

598
00:28:11,272 --> 00:28:13,483
"Latte in your ear! How awkward."

599
00:28:13,566 --> 00:28:14,734
But let's imagine…

600
00:28:15,860 --> 00:28:16,736
Imagine…

601
00:28:17,696 --> 00:28:18,905
that you liked him,

602
00:28:19,614 --> 00:28:21,324
or you've had a dry spell,

603
00:28:21,408 --> 00:28:23,827
so you go ahead
and leave with the magician.

604
00:28:24,911 --> 00:28:27,455
Lights dimmed. Soft music.

605
00:28:28,915 --> 00:28:30,500
This will happen. I swear!

606
00:28:31,167 --> 00:28:33,920
"Look, a bunch of condoms,
in a variety of colors."

607
00:28:34,003 --> 00:28:37,090
Shuffle, shuffle.

608
00:28:37,173 --> 00:28:39,551
"Pick whichever condom you want, Grandma…"

609
00:28:39,634 --> 00:28:40,510
"I mean, girl."

610
00:28:40,593 --> 00:28:43,012
"Pick one. Remember it. I'm not looking."

611
00:28:43,096 --> 00:28:45,724
"I'll open it. Do you like dogs?
Here comes the dog."

612
00:28:49,894 --> 00:28:51,896
"Do you prefer a dove? Here you are!"

613
00:28:51,980 --> 00:28:52,814
"A dove."

614
00:28:52,897 --> 00:28:55,775
"Something more complex?
I see you like it."

615
00:28:55,859 --> 00:28:57,277
"I can tell you do."

616
00:28:57,360 --> 00:29:00,071
"This is the most difficult one!
No, wait! Don't go!"

617
00:29:00,155 --> 00:29:01,698
"I need to get laid. Sorry!"

618
00:29:01,781 --> 00:29:04,075
"I won't do more magic!
Please, I'm sorry."

619
00:29:05,285 --> 00:29:08,037
Astronaut, firefighter

620
00:29:08,121 --> 00:29:10,039
YouTuber, sailor

621
00:29:10,123 --> 00:29:14,169
Nobody wants to be a magician

622
00:29:15,211 --> 00:29:17,964
We need surgeons
And lots of engineers

623
00:29:19,507 --> 00:29:23,219
Nobody wants to be a magician

624
00:29:24,429 --> 00:29:28,683
My dad told me
And he knows me

625
00:29:29,309 --> 00:29:32,312
Don't choose to be the magician

626
00:29:32,395 --> 00:29:35,565
Because magicians don't get laid

627
00:29:35,648 --> 00:29:38,026
Magicians don't get laid

628
00:29:38,109 --> 00:29:40,320
Magicians don't get laid

629
00:29:40,403 --> 00:29:43,823
Magicians don't get laid
And never will

630
00:29:47,035 --> 00:29:48,495
Never will

631
00:29:53,541 --> 00:29:56,044
I've got a disease

632
00:29:56,127 --> 00:29:57,962
Worse than measles

633
00:29:58,922 --> 00:30:02,425
A curse that's killing me
And won't pass on

634
00:30:03,051 --> 00:30:06,638
Up here, I might be the greatest

635
00:30:08,097 --> 00:30:10,725
But I will never get laid, no!

636
00:30:10,809 --> 00:30:13,144
Because of magic

637
00:30:31,037 --> 00:30:33,706
Because magicians don't get laid

638
00:30:33,790 --> 00:30:36,125
Magicians don't get laid

639
00:30:36,209 --> 00:30:38,586
Magicians don't get laid

640
00:30:38,670 --> 00:30:41,005
Magicians don't get laid

641
00:30:41,089 --> 00:30:43,383
Magicians don't get laid

642
00:30:43,466 --> 00:30:45,468
Magicians don't get laid

643
00:30:45,552 --> 00:30:48,137
Because magicians don't get laid

644
00:30:48,221 --> 00:30:51,474
Magicians don't get laid and never will

645
00:31:01,067 --> 00:31:01,985
Two things.

646
00:31:02,068 --> 00:31:03,820
One, I missed the light cue.

647
00:31:04,320 --> 00:31:05,154
Three things.

648
00:31:05,238 --> 00:31:08,032
Two, you forgot to open the trap
for me to disappear.

649
00:31:08,116 --> 00:31:09,993
Three, my ball got caught.

650
00:31:11,870 --> 00:31:13,246
I crushed my balls.

651
00:31:13,997 --> 00:31:15,498
For fuck's sake.

652
00:31:20,336 --> 00:31:21,838
I got carried away.

653
00:31:25,300 --> 00:31:28,052
Usually I protect my balls,
since I was a kid.

654
00:31:28,136 --> 00:31:30,597
When I was 17, something happened.

655
00:31:32,932 --> 00:31:34,559
It's like a chill coming down.

656
00:31:36,102 --> 00:31:37,896
It'll pass…

657
00:31:38,855 --> 00:31:42,317
Crushing your balls is dreadful.
No words can describe it.

658
00:31:42,400 --> 00:31:43,568
I was 17 years old…

659
00:31:46,029 --> 00:31:47,572
when this happened.

660
00:31:47,655 --> 00:31:49,866
I was gonna take a shower.
Naked. As usual.

661
00:31:51,284 --> 00:31:55,121
I got into the shower, grabbed the soap,
looked down and went, "What's this?"

662
00:31:55,705 --> 00:31:56,831
"How did this happen?"

663
00:31:57,457 --> 00:32:00,919
Listen to this. One of my balls…
One of my testicles

664
00:32:01,002 --> 00:32:02,754
was substantially bigger.

665
00:32:02,837 --> 00:32:03,963
Not hanging lower.

666
00:32:04,047 --> 00:32:07,383
Apparently, in 98% of men
one ball hangs lower than the other.

667
00:32:07,467 --> 00:32:09,719
But in this case, it was way bigger.

668
00:32:09,802 --> 00:32:13,806
Picture a rather large tangerine.
Quite a massive one.

669
00:32:13,890 --> 00:32:15,850
So, one of my balls was the size of it.

670
00:32:15,934 --> 00:32:18,978
Back then, the Internet did not exist.
I couldn't Google it.

671
00:32:19,062 --> 00:32:21,481
"My ball is the size
of a tangerine. Help!"

672
00:32:21,564 --> 00:32:24,233
I went to my dad, "Dad." "What it is?"

673
00:32:26,611 --> 00:32:29,697
"We need to talk about
your ice cream addiction. Enough!"

674
00:32:29,781 --> 00:32:31,449
"Also, one of my balls is huge."

675
00:32:31,532 --> 00:32:34,410
"What do you mean? Are you crazy?
Show me your balls."

676
00:32:34,494 --> 00:32:35,954
I showed him.

677
00:32:36,037 --> 00:32:37,080
My dad went, "Inés!"

678
00:32:37,163 --> 00:32:39,707
"Don't call Mom! This is man stuff!"

679
00:32:39,791 --> 00:32:41,751
"I'm a teenager.
Take me to a ball-ologist."

680
00:32:41,834 --> 00:32:43,419
We go to the ball-ologist.

681
00:32:43,503 --> 00:32:45,254
"What's up, Doc? How are you?"

682
00:32:45,338 --> 00:32:46,881
"What's going on?" he asks.

683
00:32:46,965 --> 00:32:48,716
"Something funny happened."

684
00:32:48,800 --> 00:32:50,510
"I got up, got in the shower,

685
00:32:51,177 --> 00:32:54,013
and realized one testicle
was way bigger than the other."

686
00:32:54,097 --> 00:32:57,225
"Don't worry. Relax. It's normal."

687
00:32:57,308 --> 00:33:01,104
"One testicle always gets swollen
between ages 17 and 18."

688
00:33:01,187 --> 00:33:04,023
"It'll go down over time. It's hormonal."

689
00:33:04,107 --> 00:33:07,777
"You don't get it, Doc.
It's way bigger than the other one."

690
00:33:07,860 --> 00:33:09,362
"Don't underestimate me."

691
00:33:09,445 --> 00:33:11,656
"I look at balls all day.
I know my thing."

692
00:33:11,739 --> 00:33:14,283
"One testicle gets swollen
and then shrinks back."

693
00:33:14,867 --> 00:33:17,078
"It's like a tangerine, Doc." "Excuse me?"

694
00:33:17,787 --> 00:33:18,830
"Like a tangerine."

695
00:33:18,913 --> 00:33:20,123
"Is it orange?" "Kinda."

696
00:33:20,206 --> 00:33:21,374
"Wrinkly?" "Maybe."

697
00:33:21,457 --> 00:33:22,542
"Does it have seeds?"

698
00:33:22,625 --> 00:33:25,503
"I dunno, man. It looks like a tangerine."

699
00:33:25,586 --> 00:33:27,130
"Show me." I did. He went…

700
00:33:27,213 --> 00:33:29,590
"Stay here. Take your clothes off."

701
00:33:29,674 --> 00:33:31,801
He went to get a stool.

702
00:33:31,884 --> 00:33:34,012
The stool all urologists use,

703
00:33:34,095 --> 00:33:37,140
certified by the Urologist College,

704
00:33:38,099 --> 00:33:41,644
sold exclusively at Urologists-R-Us,

705
00:33:41,728 --> 00:33:44,647
on Warnes 743.

706
00:33:45,481 --> 00:33:47,650
In Buenos Aires. Not sure about Mexico.

707
00:33:48,818 --> 00:33:50,611
He said, "Take off your clothes."

708
00:33:50,695 --> 00:33:52,613
I left the socks on. "Socks too."

709
00:33:52,697 --> 00:33:54,449
I took them off. He put gloves on.

710
00:33:55,241 --> 00:33:57,410
He looked at me and said, "Relax, Fabián."

711
00:33:57,493 --> 00:33:58,870
"Doctor, I'm not Fabián."

712
00:33:58,953 --> 00:34:01,873
"No, I'm Fabián. And I know me."

713
00:34:01,956 --> 00:34:02,999
He grabbed my balls.

714
00:34:03,583 --> 00:34:04,459
Oh, no!

715
00:34:06,335 --> 00:34:09,464
He slightly squeezed each testicle.

716
00:34:09,547 --> 00:34:11,674
Of course, I felt it more in one of them.

717
00:34:12,175 --> 00:34:14,427
He said, "Flex a little.

718
00:34:16,512 --> 00:34:17,346
"A little more."

719
00:34:19,515 --> 00:34:20,600
"Just a bit more."

720
00:34:23,102 --> 00:34:24,729
He grabbed a notebook and wrote.

721
00:34:25,229 --> 00:34:28,066
"Testicular swelling.
Patient: Agustín Aristarán."

722
00:34:28,149 --> 00:34:30,401
"Right testicle, 120 bar."

723
00:34:31,069 --> 00:34:34,030
"Left testicle, 177 bar."

724
00:34:35,198 --> 00:34:38,534
He lifted my healthy testicle,
and, without warning, went…

725
00:34:50,171 --> 00:34:52,840
"Testicular oscillation, worrying."

726
00:34:54,175 --> 00:34:57,595
That's when something
very strange happened.

727
00:34:57,678 --> 00:34:58,930
Something very strange!

728
00:34:59,013 --> 00:35:00,848
He took my testicles.

729
00:35:00,932 --> 00:35:03,643
Listen, because it gets weird.

730
00:35:04,602 --> 00:35:06,020
Balls-to-the-wall weird.

731
00:35:06,104 --> 00:35:09,232
He grabbed my balls,
didn't look at them or me,

732
00:35:09,315 --> 00:35:14,320
and he seemed to have connected
to my balls telepathically.

733
00:35:14,403 --> 00:35:17,406
"Is he talking to my balls with his mind?"

734
00:35:17,490 --> 00:35:21,410
Picture it. I'm 17, a minor.
An old guy is holding my balls

735
00:35:21,494 --> 00:35:23,621
and talking to them telepathically.

736
00:35:23,704 --> 00:35:25,414
I was freaking out. I needed help.

737
00:35:25,498 --> 00:35:27,333
I started screaming for my dad.

738
00:35:27,416 --> 00:35:28,918
I didn't understand anything.

739
00:35:29,460 --> 00:35:32,004
And then he started talking to my balls.

740
00:35:32,088 --> 00:35:34,340
"What's up?" "I'm good. You?"

741
00:35:34,423 --> 00:35:35,550
"Good."

742
00:35:37,176 --> 00:35:38,970
I don't speak Balls language.

743
00:35:39,053 --> 00:35:42,473
That's when the guy started, like…

744
00:35:44,684 --> 00:35:45,768
not caressing them,

745
00:35:45,852 --> 00:35:49,564
but moving them around
like they were castanets.

746
00:35:49,647 --> 00:35:50,940
Doing it like this.

747
00:36:06,831 --> 00:36:08,583
Oh, what's wrong?

748
00:36:09,750 --> 00:36:12,545
What's wrong with these balls?

749
00:36:13,504 --> 00:36:15,381
What's wrong with these balls

750
00:36:15,464 --> 00:36:19,135
that look like a tangerine?

751
00:36:20,303 --> 00:36:21,512
Oh, what's wrong?

752
00:36:22,430 --> 00:36:24,807
What's wrong with these balls?

753
00:36:25,391 --> 00:36:27,518
What's wrong with these balls

754
00:36:27,602 --> 00:36:31,063
That look like a tangerine?

755
00:36:31,147 --> 00:36:33,316
"Graciela, come see this. Take a picture."

756
00:36:33,399 --> 00:36:35,776
"This is a textbook ball."

757
00:36:35,860 --> 00:36:39,280
"This is great for our research.
Take a picture!"

758
00:36:39,363 --> 00:36:44,452
They look like a tangerine

759
00:36:45,953 --> 00:36:47,747
The kiss might have not happened.

760
00:36:49,207 --> 00:36:51,125
I was in shock.

761
00:36:51,667 --> 00:36:54,045
I started getting dressed, and he said,

762
00:36:54,128 --> 00:36:58,132
"Where do you think you're going?"
"What else is there?" "Relax," he said.

763
00:36:59,300 --> 00:37:01,969
"Start running on the spot."
"What?" "You heard me."

764
00:37:02,803 --> 00:37:04,388
"Really?" "Start running."

765
00:37:04,472 --> 00:37:06,849
"Maybe if you dim the lights,
get some whiskey…"

766
00:37:06,933 --> 00:37:08,935
"Start running." And I started running.

767
00:37:09,018 --> 00:37:10,436
"Let me see." "I'm shy."

768
00:37:10,519 --> 00:37:13,314
I was shy.
The guy took pictures and notes.

769
00:37:13,397 --> 00:37:15,483
"Stay in the middle and jump." I jumped.

770
00:37:15,566 --> 00:37:18,527
And as I was jumping,

771
00:37:18,611 --> 00:37:21,572
I was trying not to think
about what was happening,

772
00:37:21,656 --> 00:37:24,325
but I realize that the human body

773
00:37:24,408 --> 00:37:26,661
is a perfect machine designed by aliens.

774
00:37:26,744 --> 00:37:27,578
It can't be.

775
00:37:27,662 --> 00:37:31,374
And I realize the reason
behind what was mentioned before:

776
00:37:31,457 --> 00:37:34,752
that one testicle in men
hangs lower than the other.

777
00:37:36,379 --> 00:37:37,630
Why is that?

778
00:37:39,090 --> 00:37:41,133
They couldn't be the same length.

779
00:37:41,217 --> 00:37:44,220
Picture the Neanderthals.

780
00:37:44,303 --> 00:37:46,931
They had to go hunting,

781
00:37:47,014 --> 00:37:48,641
chasing a panther in the jungle.

782
00:37:48,724 --> 00:37:51,477
They were naked,
clothes hadn't been invented.

783
00:37:51,560 --> 00:37:53,813
The guy was running,
and maybe he had to jump.

784
00:37:53,896 --> 00:37:56,565
If they were the same length,
this would be happening.

785
00:37:56,649 --> 00:37:58,567
They'd slap each other, like clackers.

786
00:37:58,651 --> 00:38:01,779
As one is longer, they don't collide.

787
00:38:01,862 --> 00:38:03,197
The human body is perfect.

788
00:38:04,323 --> 00:38:08,035
I was jumping while imagining
I'm chasing a panther in the forest,

789
00:38:08,119 --> 00:38:10,162
and the guy said, "You need surgery."

790
00:38:10,746 --> 00:38:12,873
"No other options.
Your balls are a wreck."

791
00:38:13,374 --> 00:38:14,959
"Hydrocele, varicocele,

792
00:38:15,042 --> 00:38:18,462
some phimosis,
a bilateral inguinal hernia."

793
00:38:18,546 --> 00:38:19,588
Oh, for fuck's sake…

794
00:38:19,672 --> 00:38:21,966
I had surgery one week after. They did…

795
00:38:22,758 --> 00:38:25,303
what they could, there was a lot going on.

796
00:38:25,386 --> 00:38:27,305
There I was, balls like Tetris blocks,

797
00:38:27,388 --> 00:38:28,639
and I was back to normal.

798
00:38:28,723 --> 00:38:31,600
Before discharging me, he went,
"One more thing, Agustín."

799
00:38:32,435 --> 00:38:36,063
"This takes about six months
to heal internally."

800
00:38:36,147 --> 00:38:40,026
"I need you to not have intercourse for…"

801
00:38:40,109 --> 00:38:42,278
"Ah, you're a magician. Never mind then."

802
00:38:42,862 --> 00:38:45,698
So with that in mind,
me being in post-op and a magician,

803
00:38:45,781 --> 00:38:49,201
I wasn't getting laid,
so I focused on my work as a magician.

804
00:38:49,285 --> 00:38:50,953
I committed to magic.

805
00:38:51,537 --> 00:38:54,915
I did some children's parties.
I earned some money.

806
00:38:54,999 --> 00:38:58,419
One party lead to another,
then a school, a kindergarten.

807
00:38:59,003 --> 00:39:01,797
Then I did a quinceañera, a wedding,

808
00:39:01,881 --> 00:39:04,925
a corporate party.
I was working and making money.

809
00:39:05,009 --> 00:39:09,096
All under the table, no receipts.
I was a minor, so I pocketed everything.

810
00:39:09,180 --> 00:39:10,264
My secret stash.

811
00:39:10,348 --> 00:39:12,183
A friend wanted a go out for a beer?

812
00:39:12,266 --> 00:39:13,267
Rada's treat.

813
00:39:13,351 --> 00:39:17,480
"What else? Some chocolate?
It's on me too."

814
00:39:17,563 --> 00:39:19,690
I built an empire in Bahía Blanca.

815
00:39:19,774 --> 00:39:20,608
I was popular.

816
00:39:20,691 --> 00:39:22,318
We drove out the competition.

817
00:39:22,401 --> 00:39:23,944
My friends beat them up.

818
00:39:24,028 --> 00:39:25,654
"You want some of this?"

819
00:39:25,738 --> 00:39:27,948
We killed their bunnies,
messed up the cards.

820
00:39:28,032 --> 00:39:30,826
"Go get your 7 of Clubs, fucker! Go home!"

821
00:39:30,910 --> 00:39:34,872
I kept on working,
earning some serious money.

822
00:39:34,955 --> 00:39:37,416
Started helping my parents,
moved to Buenos Aires.

823
00:39:37,500 --> 00:39:39,460
It was hard at first, but it picked up.

824
00:39:39,543 --> 00:39:42,922
Parties, kids parties, adult parties.

825
00:39:43,005 --> 00:39:44,882
I was working. Magicians knew me.

826
00:39:44,965 --> 00:39:47,218
I was respected in the world of magic.

827
00:39:47,301 --> 00:39:49,637
"Rada. Yeah, I know him." It was okay.

828
00:39:49,720 --> 00:39:52,765
Chile, Uruguay, Mexico, Colombia,
I started making dollars.

829
00:39:52,848 --> 00:39:54,475
I was raking it in. What?

830
00:39:54,558 --> 00:39:56,102
I had it all here.

831
00:39:56,185 --> 00:39:57,978
"You want dollars? Here you go."

832
00:39:58,813 --> 00:40:00,439
All still under the table.

833
00:40:00,523 --> 00:40:02,274
It was all going great,

834
00:40:02,358 --> 00:40:05,319
I was making good money,
feeling comfortable, but something…

835
00:40:05,945 --> 00:40:07,279
I couldn't…

836
00:40:08,447 --> 00:40:09,615
I didn't feel right.

837
00:40:10,533 --> 00:40:12,201
Something in my chest

838
00:40:13,244 --> 00:40:14,203
went…

839
00:40:17,415 --> 00:40:18,249
"Doctor,

840
00:40:19,125 --> 00:40:19,959
I don't…"

841
00:40:20,459 --> 00:40:22,211
"I don't feel well, Doc."

842
00:40:24,296 --> 00:40:28,634
"Out of the blue, I break into tears.
I just start crying, Doc."

843
00:40:31,720 --> 00:40:33,222
"I don't know what this is."

844
00:40:33,305 --> 00:40:34,890
"I don't know what to call it."

845
00:40:37,268 --> 00:40:39,770
"I don't know if… Sorry, I can't talk."

846
00:40:47,570 --> 00:40:48,904
"Give me a minute, Doc."

847
00:40:49,447 --> 00:40:51,323
"It'll pass."

848
00:40:54,285 --> 00:40:57,246
"I meant, I don't know
if there's a name for this."

849
00:40:59,707 --> 00:41:03,252
"No idea if there's been some research,
but if I walk down the street…"

850
00:41:03,335 --> 00:41:04,712
"Everything is all right."

851
00:41:07,756 --> 00:41:08,924
"My life is all right."

852
00:41:11,343 --> 00:41:13,762
"I follow my dream. My dreams come true."

853
00:41:13,846 --> 00:41:15,931
"I do what I love for a living."

854
00:41:18,767 --> 00:41:21,061
"My life is just as it was depicted

855
00:41:21,145 --> 00:41:23,606
in teenage flicks. It's all right."

856
00:41:27,485 --> 00:41:29,945
"But walk down the street
and see a dog pooping,

857
00:41:30,029 --> 00:41:31,489
and I burst into tears, Doc."

858
00:41:33,616 --> 00:41:34,909
"I'm such a mess."

859
00:41:36,785 --> 00:41:38,078
"I've got work,

860
00:41:38,621 --> 00:41:39,788
I make money,

861
00:41:40,873 --> 00:41:44,627
my peers tell me, 'Good job.'
They cheer me on."

862
00:41:45,961 --> 00:41:48,380
"I can't enjoy it, Doc. Look at me."

863
00:41:52,092 --> 00:41:54,678
"I'm under a lot of pressure.
I need to earn money."

864
00:41:54,762 --> 00:41:57,056
"I got into the rat race…

865
00:41:57,139 --> 00:41:58,766
money, money, money."

866
00:41:58,849 --> 00:42:00,893
"What do you want, a pool, a yacht?"

867
00:42:00,976 --> 00:42:04,146
I could never buy a yacht.
Where would I put it?

868
00:42:04,230 --> 00:42:05,105
Where?

869
00:42:06,732 --> 00:42:08,609
I feel…

870
00:42:08,692 --> 00:42:11,028
Do you know Prince Charles?

871
00:42:11,111 --> 00:42:12,613
Poor thing, have you seen him?

872
00:42:12,696 --> 00:42:15,574
Every time he's on camera,
he's twitching his ear, asking for help.

873
00:42:15,658 --> 00:42:16,825
He's completely lost.

874
00:42:16,909 --> 00:42:19,787
They tell him what to do, how to dress.

875
00:42:19,870 --> 00:42:21,664
All the time.

876
00:42:21,747 --> 00:42:24,625
I feel this voice inside me,
telling me what to do.

877
00:42:24,708 --> 00:42:27,294
They tell him what to do, how to dress.

878
00:42:27,378 --> 00:42:30,714
"Who tells you that, Agustín?
You're being paranoid!"

879
00:42:30,798 --> 00:42:32,383
"My dad, Doc."

880
00:42:32,967 --> 00:42:33,926
Right?

881
00:42:34,510 --> 00:42:36,470
"What do you think, Doc?"

882
00:42:36,554 --> 00:42:41,433
"Do you think that magic box
from Santa was given to me for no reason?"

883
00:42:41,517 --> 00:42:43,852
"They did it so I'd become a magician."

884
00:42:43,936 --> 00:42:45,896
"What does the world need? Magicians."

885
00:42:45,980 --> 00:42:49,108
"Be a magician. Earn money!
It's obvious, Doc."

886
00:42:52,444 --> 00:42:55,155
"Pardon me for saying this, Agustín…

887
00:42:59,618 --> 00:43:00,828
but…

888
00:43:02,288 --> 00:43:05,916
no parents would ever want
their child to be a magician."

889
00:43:11,797 --> 00:43:13,090
"Oh, Doc…"

890
00:43:14,800 --> 00:43:16,927
"You had to throw it in my face!"

891
00:43:17,511 --> 00:43:18,596
"You're right."

892
00:43:20,931 --> 00:43:22,224
"I'm an idiot, Doc."

893
00:43:25,686 --> 00:43:26,854
"Such an idiot."

894
00:43:26,937 --> 00:43:28,522
"I'm a complete idiot, Doc."

895
00:43:28,606 --> 00:43:29,523
"Sorry, I'm…

896
00:43:29,607 --> 00:43:32,026
Write it down. Come on! Write."

897
00:43:32,109 --> 00:43:34,987
"Agustín Aristarán is an idiot.
That's the diagnosis."

898
00:43:35,070 --> 00:43:36,071
"That's it, Doc."

899
00:43:36,155 --> 00:43:39,074
"I don't want that.
What have I done so far?"

900
00:43:39,158 --> 00:43:41,410
"Worked my ass off. And I don't want it."

901
00:43:41,493 --> 00:43:45,164
"I don't want a voice
telling me what to do, like Charles."

902
00:43:45,247 --> 00:43:47,249
"I don't want it, Doc."

903
00:43:47,333 --> 00:43:50,002
"Give me some pills,
because I don't know what to do."

904
00:43:50,586 --> 00:43:54,006
I don't want to be Charles, no

905
00:43:54,506 --> 00:43:57,760
I don't want to be more than you

906
00:43:57,843 --> 00:44:01,388
I don't want to be Charles, no

907
00:44:01,972 --> 00:44:04,683
I want to choose who I am

908
00:44:04,767 --> 00:44:07,770
"Hi, Doc. How are you?
I started taking the pills last week."

909
00:44:07,853 --> 00:44:09,688
"Morning, afternoon and evening."

910
00:44:09,772 --> 00:44:11,065
"Oh, Doc!"

911
00:44:11,148 --> 00:44:14,234
"The morning pill gives me such energy!"

912
00:44:14,318 --> 00:44:15,444
"Oh, Doc!"

913
00:44:15,527 --> 00:44:18,405
"When my phone battery dies,
I can just stand next to it,

914
00:44:18,489 --> 00:44:19,948
and it charges right up."

915
00:44:20,032 --> 00:44:21,116
"So much energy."

916
00:44:21,200 --> 00:44:24,495
"I get up, 75° maximum, 70° minimum."

917
00:44:24,578 --> 00:44:25,537
"Oh, Doc!"

918
00:44:25,621 --> 00:44:28,957
"The birds are singing,
and everything is great."

919
00:44:29,041 --> 00:44:32,628
"Now, when I take the afternoon pill,

920
00:44:32,711 --> 00:44:34,797
I'm doing fine and suddenly…"

921
00:44:57,027 --> 00:44:58,904
"I get a little stuck."

922
00:44:58,987 --> 00:45:01,699
"But when I take the evening pill…"

923
00:45:01,782 --> 00:45:03,659
"Oh, Doc! The evening pill, Doc"

924
00:45:04,243 --> 00:45:07,579
"Oh, Doc, the evening pill, Doc."

925
00:45:07,663 --> 00:45:09,665
"Oh, Doc!"

926
00:45:09,748 --> 00:45:12,835
"The next day I'm like this,

927
00:45:12,918 --> 00:45:14,294
all spaced-out."

928
00:45:14,837 --> 00:45:17,381
"From the corner of my eye, I see Rambo."

929
00:45:17,464 --> 00:45:19,883
"Hey, Rambo. How are you doing?"

930
00:45:21,260 --> 00:45:23,220
"I stroked Rambo, Doc."

931
00:45:25,973 --> 00:45:27,266
"What do you want, baby?"

932
00:45:28,559 --> 00:45:30,853
"Why don't I take that pill every day?"

933
00:45:30,936 --> 00:45:32,896
"I feel great, Doc. Can you tell?"

934
00:45:32,980 --> 00:45:34,314
"I feel great, right?"

935
00:45:36,984 --> 00:45:40,237
I don't want to be Charles, no

936
00:45:40,320 --> 00:45:44,158
I don't want to be more than you

937
00:45:44,241 --> 00:45:47,995
I don't want to be Charles, no

938
00:45:48,078 --> 00:45:50,831
I want to choose who I am

939
00:45:50,914 --> 00:45:54,334
"Doc, the pills balanced me out,
I'm feeling pretty well."

940
00:45:54,418 --> 00:45:56,670
You won't believe
what happened the other day!

941
00:45:56,754 --> 00:45:59,757
I went to the Japanese
dry cleaner near home.

942
00:45:59,840 --> 00:46:02,301
I brought my magician suit,
to get it cleaned.

943
00:46:02,384 --> 00:46:05,137
"Did you clean it?
I'll pay you next week."

944
00:46:05,220 --> 00:46:06,930
We're friends. He cleans my suits.

945
00:46:07,014 --> 00:46:09,767
I get to the party.
It turns out, he mixed up the suits!

946
00:46:09,850 --> 00:46:12,561
He gave me another client's suit!
It was solid white.

947
00:46:12,644 --> 00:46:16,231
Pants, jacket, shirt, bow tie, all white.
So embarrassing.

948
00:46:16,315 --> 00:46:18,233
I had to do the show, so I put it on.

949
00:46:18,317 --> 00:46:20,235
Went on stage. They laughed.

950
00:46:20,319 --> 00:46:22,529
"Sorry about this.
White is the new black!"

951
00:46:23,030 --> 00:46:24,948
"I look like a Q-Tip."

952
00:46:25,032 --> 00:46:28,368
I finished the show, all humiliated.
A girl came up and said,

953
00:46:28,452 --> 00:46:31,246
"Hi. Do you have any popsicles,
chocolate or ice cream?"

954
00:46:31,330 --> 00:46:32,247
Woah!

955
00:46:32,331 --> 00:46:34,917
She's my girlfriend now.
We've been dating for ten days.

956
00:46:35,000 --> 00:46:35,834
Cool, right?

957
00:46:35,918 --> 00:46:39,671
I don't want to be Charles, no

958
00:46:39,755 --> 00:46:43,425
I don't want to be more than you

959
00:46:43,509 --> 00:46:47,012
I don't want to be Charles, no

960
00:46:47,095 --> 00:46:50,349
I want to choose who I am

961
00:46:50,432 --> 00:46:52,851
I went back to the dry cleaner.

962
00:46:52,935 --> 00:46:54,394
Two weeks later, I went back.

963
00:46:54,478 --> 00:46:57,064
"I don't know if I should
slap you or hug you!"

964
00:46:57,147 --> 00:46:58,690
"You've changed my life, man."

965
00:46:58,774 --> 00:47:00,943
"You gave me the suit.
I met my girlfriend."

966
00:47:01,026 --> 00:47:03,612
"We moved in together three months ago.
We are happy!"

967
00:47:03,695 --> 00:47:05,364
You know what he said?

968
00:47:05,447 --> 00:47:07,741
He said something to me.

969
00:47:07,825 --> 00:47:09,618
Listen. He looked at me and said…

970
00:47:15,958 --> 00:47:17,918
Do you speak Japanese? Neither do I.

971
00:47:18,001 --> 00:47:19,878
But I believe he said this.

972
00:47:19,962 --> 00:47:24,091
"Be careful. If you plant a quince tree,
you may get a lemon tree."

973
00:47:26,134 --> 00:47:27,886
I was speechless.

974
00:47:27,970 --> 00:47:31,890
With the suit, the pills, the Japanese…
"You know what?"

975
00:47:31,974 --> 00:47:35,060
"I consider myself healed.
I'm done with the pills."

976
00:47:35,143 --> 00:47:37,563
"You, Freud and Deleuze
can suck my balls, Doc."

977
00:47:37,646 --> 00:47:39,356
"I won't take anything else. I'm free."

978
00:47:39,439 --> 00:47:41,859
"Nothing's tying me down.
I have a girlfriend."

979
00:47:41,942 --> 00:47:44,987
I don't want to be Charles, no

980
00:47:45,779 --> 00:47:48,490
I don't want to be more than you

981
00:47:49,491 --> 00:47:52,619
I don't want to be Charles, no

982
00:47:53,203 --> 00:47:54,496
I want to choose…

983
00:47:58,876 --> 00:48:00,210
Hi, honey. How are you?

984
00:48:00,294 --> 00:48:03,881
Yeah, I was singing.
I'm happy. I was singing.

985
00:48:03,964 --> 00:48:04,923
What happened?

986
00:48:05,632 --> 00:48:08,719
I told the doctor to fuck off.
Goodbye, pills! I'm healed.

987
00:48:08,802 --> 00:48:09,845
What?

988
00:48:11,054 --> 00:48:11,972
Positive?

989
00:48:17,978 --> 00:48:19,897
Two months? Oh, shit…

990
00:48:20,814 --> 00:48:21,648
Posi…

991
00:48:22,274 --> 00:48:23,400
But positive…

992
00:48:23,483 --> 00:48:25,068
Positive is always good, right?

993
00:48:30,365 --> 00:48:31,450
How did this happen?

994
00:48:32,242 --> 00:48:34,745
Right, I know how it happened.

995
00:48:34,828 --> 00:48:36,371
I remember clearly.

996
00:48:36,914 --> 00:48:37,998
Yes, honey.

997
00:48:38,081 --> 00:48:41,293
No, I was just singing, I didn't expect…

998
00:48:42,461 --> 00:48:45,923
I forgot to set
the Big News reminder for today!

999
00:48:46,590 --> 00:48:47,424
Yeah.

1000
00:48:47,925 --> 00:48:51,178
I'll be there, honey. I'm coming.
I just had to sit down.

1001
00:48:53,138 --> 00:48:54,556
Yeah.

1002
00:48:55,432 --> 00:48:56,808
I'll be right there.

1003
00:48:56,892 --> 00:49:00,103
I'll go back to the doctor,
apologize and get my pills back.

1004
00:49:00,187 --> 00:49:02,564
Just for a couple of months, honey.

1005
00:49:02,648 --> 00:49:03,482
Yeah, yeah…

1006
00:49:04,107 --> 00:49:06,693
Bye. One kiss for you
and one for the belly.

1007
00:49:07,235 --> 00:49:08,445
It's weird, yeah.

1008
00:49:09,321 --> 00:49:10,155
Bye, bye.

1009
00:49:21,375 --> 00:49:22,376
So cold.

1010
00:49:24,044 --> 00:49:25,087
So drafty.

1011
00:49:27,589 --> 00:49:30,258
At 21, I was told,
"You're gonna be a dad!"

1012
00:49:31,426 --> 00:49:33,887
I've always been very pragmatic,
even as a kid.

1013
00:49:33,971 --> 00:49:35,973
The nine months were not that difficult.

1014
00:49:36,056 --> 00:49:38,809
We moved in together
to a one-bedroom apartment.

1015
00:49:40,018 --> 00:49:43,397
In that apartment,
the nine months were simple.

1016
00:49:43,480 --> 00:49:45,357
I was in charge of two things.

1017
00:49:45,440 --> 00:49:49,069
Taking care of the mother of my daughter,
making sure she had everything.

1018
00:49:49,152 --> 00:49:50,570
And the second thing

1019
00:49:50,654 --> 00:49:52,531
was locking myself in the bathroom,

1020
00:49:52,614 --> 00:49:55,325
getting naked and crying,
kneeling next to the toilet,

1021
00:49:55,409 --> 00:49:58,453
while taking some drugs
to ignore the situation,

1022
00:49:58,537 --> 00:50:01,123
because I was afraid.
I was gonna be a dad.

1023
00:50:01,206 --> 00:50:03,166
"I don't want to be Charles."
"Be a dad then."

1024
00:50:03,250 --> 00:50:04,960
"What? Fuck off."

1025
00:50:05,627 --> 00:50:06,670
I was afraid.

1026
00:50:07,379 --> 00:50:08,630
How could I not be?

1027
00:50:09,798 --> 00:50:14,553
But on February 22nd, 2006,
at 2:30 p.m., everything changed.

1028
00:50:14,636 --> 00:50:16,221
I was in the delivery room.

1029
00:50:16,304 --> 00:50:18,724
My daughter's mom
was performing a heavenly task.

1030
00:50:19,641 --> 00:50:21,518
"Honey, I can't believe it."

1031
00:50:21,601 --> 00:50:23,520
And I was cheering her on.

1032
00:50:23,603 --> 00:50:24,980
"We're all gonna die!"

1033
00:50:25,063 --> 00:50:27,149
"I hope we fucking die, honey."

1034
00:50:27,232 --> 00:50:29,776
"I hope a hurricane kills us!"

1035
00:50:29,860 --> 00:50:31,361
"I don't know what to do!"

1036
00:50:31,445 --> 00:50:34,156
Suddenly, the door
in the delivery room opened.

1037
00:50:34,239 --> 00:50:36,116
In came a blinding beam of light.

1038
00:50:36,199 --> 00:50:39,286
Unicorns were riding the beam of light,

1039
00:50:39,369 --> 00:50:41,705
followed by hummingbirds.

1040
00:50:41,788 --> 00:50:46,793
And the unicorns were pooping rose petals
that would spell

1041
00:50:46,877 --> 00:50:49,004
"Happiness," "Joy,"

1042
00:50:49,087 --> 00:50:50,464
"Infinite love."

1043
00:50:51,423 --> 00:50:54,301
My daughter Bianca was born.

1044
00:50:55,135 --> 00:50:57,846
"Oh, my daughter!"

1045
00:50:57,929 --> 00:50:59,765
"We'll be so happy!"

1046
00:51:00,724 --> 00:51:02,476
"Everything you see will be yours."

1047
00:51:02,559 --> 00:51:04,436
"A one-bedroom apartment,

1048
00:51:04,519 --> 00:51:07,230
a lot of magic tricks and a ukulele."

1049
00:51:07,314 --> 00:51:09,232
"Oh, my daughter, I love you!"

1050
00:51:13,320 --> 00:51:15,405
Everything immediately changed.

1051
00:51:15,489 --> 00:51:17,616
We moved to a bigger house.

1052
00:51:17,699 --> 00:51:19,785
Bought our first property.

1053
00:51:19,868 --> 00:51:22,329
It was only slightly bigger,
but we were happy.

1054
00:51:22,412 --> 00:51:25,832
Bianca was running around.
We sorted out the house and moved quickly.

1055
00:51:25,916 --> 00:51:28,418
I had good teachers
in the art of quick moving.

1056
00:51:29,002 --> 00:51:31,463
The house was smaller than we had thought.

1057
00:51:31,546 --> 00:51:34,633
We needed another room.
"There's nowhere it can fit, Agustín."

1058
00:51:34,716 --> 00:51:36,927
"Why not? Just knock down a wall and…"

1059
00:51:37,010 --> 00:51:41,640
"Honey, forget about it. It's impossible."
Two hours later, I was hammering the wall…

1060
00:51:42,974 --> 00:51:44,351
On it. "I'm like my dad!"

1061
00:51:44,434 --> 00:51:46,353
"Bring me ice cream!"

1062
00:51:46,937 --> 00:51:48,146
Out of control.

1063
00:51:48,230 --> 00:51:50,440
Five hours later, the room was finished.

1064
00:51:50,941 --> 00:51:54,694
"Honey, I'll hang the picture
I always wanted in my first home."

1065
00:51:54,778 --> 00:51:55,862
"We need to talk."

1066
00:51:55,946 --> 00:51:58,615
"Give me a second.
Put the kettle on for some mate."

1067
00:51:58,698 --> 00:51:59,908
"Let's not. Come on."

1068
00:51:59,991 --> 00:52:01,368
I put up the picture.

1069
00:52:01,451 --> 00:52:03,286
"What is it, honey?"

1070
00:52:03,370 --> 00:52:05,288
"We have to break up."

1071
00:52:09,626 --> 00:52:11,128
"I can take the picture down."

1072
00:52:13,964 --> 00:52:14,923
"What?"

1073
00:52:15,006 --> 00:52:16,424
"We have to break up?"

1074
00:52:22,139 --> 00:52:23,515
"Fine, let's break up."

1075
00:52:23,598 --> 00:52:26,643
"I'll just pack my bags and fuck off."

1076
00:52:26,726 --> 00:52:28,728
"Fine by me. I'll pack my bags now."

1077
00:52:29,354 --> 00:52:31,189
"You want me to? I'll pack my bags."

1078
00:52:31,690 --> 00:52:32,983
"I will, it's fine."

1079
00:52:33,567 --> 00:52:35,026
"Shall I? I'll pack my bags."

1080
00:52:35,610 --> 00:52:37,195
"I'll pack my bags. Going once,

1081
00:52:38,113 --> 00:52:39,072
going twice,

1082
00:52:39,698 --> 00:52:41,449
going, going…"

1083
00:52:41,533 --> 00:52:42,826
And Bianca says, "Gone."

1084
00:52:42,909 --> 00:52:44,703
"No, honey!" I had to move.

1085
00:52:45,453 --> 00:52:47,289
I went back to my apartment.

1086
00:52:47,372 --> 00:52:49,374
It's so cold. So drafty.

1087
00:52:49,457 --> 00:52:50,417
With my little bag.

1088
00:52:50,917 --> 00:52:53,044
I closed the door.
The shot is panning out.

1089
00:52:54,921 --> 00:52:55,964
With my little bag.

1090
00:52:56,715 --> 00:52:59,593
Bianca was one week with me,
and one with her mother.

1091
00:53:01,052 --> 00:53:04,306
The first week was crazy.
So much responsibility.

1092
00:53:04,389 --> 00:53:07,434
I had to feed her every day, bathe her,

1093
00:53:07,517 --> 00:53:11,021
explain to her that life is beautiful,
and the world is shit.

1094
00:53:11,104 --> 00:53:13,899
All of that was on me. Bianca was three.

1095
00:53:13,982 --> 00:53:16,151
What do I do? How do I…? No.

1096
00:53:18,612 --> 00:53:21,781
She couldn't die on me,
or else it would be my fault.

1097
00:53:21,865 --> 00:53:23,241
No! I took care of her.

1098
00:53:24,075 --> 00:53:27,120
It was nice, we played a lot.

1099
00:53:27,204 --> 00:53:28,205
All the time.

1100
00:53:28,288 --> 00:53:30,957
"Here comes Bianca with her tea!
How cute!"

1101
00:53:31,041 --> 00:53:32,500
"She dodges the night table."

1102
00:53:32,584 --> 00:53:34,419
"Gets past the broom, still coming."

1103
00:53:34,502 --> 00:53:36,463
"She made it! Goal!"

1104
00:53:36,546 --> 00:53:40,592
"Thanks, Mom, for making me Argentinian
and coeval with Bianca!!"

1105
00:53:42,636 --> 00:53:44,721
We played around all the time.

1106
00:53:44,804 --> 00:53:47,015
Being a young dad,
or being a dad in general,

1107
00:53:47,098 --> 00:53:50,518
reconnects you with your playful side.

1108
00:53:50,602 --> 00:53:53,647
We wore makeup and wigs. We played a lot!

1109
00:53:53,730 --> 00:53:56,733
We had a great game
that Bianca and I invented.

1110
00:53:56,816 --> 00:53:59,277
I like talking about it,
because some parent

1111
00:53:59,361 --> 00:54:02,113
with a kindergarten-age kids
might watch this and go,

1112
00:54:02,197 --> 00:54:04,407
"We should try playing their game."

1113
00:54:04,491 --> 00:54:06,534
Bianca was four then.

1114
00:54:07,160 --> 00:54:08,036
She was…

1115
00:54:10,330 --> 00:54:12,374
four, that's right. Exactly that.

1116
00:54:13,083 --> 00:54:14,960
The game is very easy. Piece of cake.

1117
00:54:15,043 --> 00:54:17,671
You need two participants,
an adult and a child.

1118
00:54:19,965 --> 00:54:22,133
What's interesting
is you don't bring it up.

1119
00:54:22,217 --> 00:54:23,635
You don't say, "Let's play."

1120
00:54:23,718 --> 00:54:27,264
If I suggested the game,
I felt she couldn't say no.

1121
00:54:27,347 --> 00:54:31,101
But if the game started on its own,
it was more interesting.

1122
00:54:31,184 --> 00:54:32,894
You didn't know when it started.

1123
00:54:32,978 --> 00:54:33,853
It's simple.

1124
00:54:33,937 --> 00:54:37,857
Suddenly, a dark entity
takes over my body.

1125
00:54:38,483 --> 00:54:41,444
The Devil. Satan. Beelzebub.

1126
00:54:42,529 --> 00:54:43,780
"Bianca."

1127
00:54:44,447 --> 00:54:45,824
I fall to the floor.

1128
00:54:46,616 --> 00:54:48,076
Start shaking.

1129
00:54:48,576 --> 00:54:49,577
A satanic attack.

1130
00:54:49,661 --> 00:54:51,204
Only one person in the house

1131
00:54:51,288 --> 00:54:54,791
knows the ritual of exorcising
the Devil out of me. Bianca.

1132
00:54:54,874 --> 00:54:56,668
The four-year-old comes and chants,

1133
00:54:56,751 --> 00:54:58,336
"Begone from my father's body."

1134
00:54:58,420 --> 00:55:01,172
"Begone, Satan and evil archangels.
Begone, Beelzebub!"

1135
00:55:01,673 --> 00:55:04,843
I'd stand up, hug her, she'd comfort me.

1136
00:55:05,635 --> 00:55:07,262
While I go to clean myself up,

1137
00:55:07,345 --> 00:55:10,724
Bianca would do a salt ring on the floor,
and light a black candle

1138
00:55:10,807 --> 00:55:13,518
with an inverted cross
to mark the cursed zone.

1139
00:55:13,601 --> 00:55:15,603
A child's game. I liked it.

1140
00:55:16,104 --> 00:55:19,316
"I find it nurturing,"
I said to Bianca's headmistress.

1141
00:55:19,399 --> 00:55:21,359
She told me to stop doing it.

1142
00:55:21,443 --> 00:55:24,529
But I liked it,
and Bianca was excited about it.

1143
00:55:24,612 --> 00:55:26,197
She enjoyed the game.

1144
00:55:26,823 --> 00:55:30,493
I made her a great exorcism kit
with a nice wooden box.

1145
00:55:31,244 --> 00:55:32,954
I put in some garlic,

1146
00:55:33,038 --> 00:55:34,664
a little stake, a little mallet.

1147
00:55:34,748 --> 00:55:37,167
Some holy water we stole
from a chapel near home.

1148
00:55:38,251 --> 00:55:40,712
Bianca went,
"The priest is with the altar boys!"

1149
00:55:40,795 --> 00:55:43,006
And I snatched a jar of holy water.

1150
00:55:43,089 --> 00:55:45,759
We split it back home.

1151
00:55:47,302 --> 00:55:50,722
A friend said, "You can't steal
holy water from church."

1152
00:55:50,805 --> 00:55:53,892
"But If you steal from a thief,
it's not stealing."

1153
00:55:53,975 --> 00:55:57,854
Damn! Rada's politically
incorrect comment!

1154
00:55:57,937 --> 00:56:00,940
Comedy can be used to express truths too.

1155
00:56:01,524 --> 00:56:02,359
Asshole.

1156
00:56:03,777 --> 00:56:07,405
After I realized stealing holy water
was kinda wrong, or whatever,

1157
00:56:07,489 --> 00:56:09,407
I decided to make it myself.
I looked it up.

1158
00:56:09,491 --> 00:56:12,243
Tutorial on how to bless tap water.

1159
00:56:14,788 --> 00:56:17,749
Same as priests, minus the State salary.

1160
00:56:18,333 --> 00:56:21,753
Rada, not bothered
by social criticism, strikes again.

1161
00:56:23,588 --> 00:56:25,548
I made her a great cross,

1162
00:56:25,632 --> 00:56:28,468
I'm good with wood.
It was a beautiful pink cross.

1163
00:56:28,551 --> 00:56:31,179
I didn't add a Jesus Christ.
I abhorred the image

1164
00:56:31,262 --> 00:56:33,348
of a nailed and bleeding man.

1165
00:56:33,431 --> 00:56:37,227
Instead, I glued on a plastic doll.
Like this.

1166
00:56:38,019 --> 00:56:40,146
Naked, with tears of glitter.

1167
00:56:40,230 --> 00:56:42,273
Like a virgin that cries glitter.

1168
00:56:42,357 --> 00:56:44,359
She was charming, with fantastic hair.

1169
00:56:45,777 --> 00:56:49,239
And I'd written on the doll…

1170
00:56:49,823 --> 00:56:51,616
You know how in movies,

1171
00:56:51,699 --> 00:56:55,036
when something satanic is going on,
they write words in reverse?

1172
00:56:55,120 --> 00:56:58,748
I wrote "Eye," "Reviver," "Kayak"
on her body.

1173
00:56:58,832 --> 00:57:01,918
Bianca wore the cross. She was little.
The cross was this big.

1174
00:57:02,001 --> 00:57:04,754
She was always carrying
her exorcist suitcase.

1175
00:57:04,838 --> 00:57:06,548
"Are you okay, Dad?" "Yes, honey."

1176
00:57:06,631 --> 00:57:07,882
"Just let me know."

1177
00:57:07,966 --> 00:57:10,802
And once in a while
she'd splash me with holy water.

1178
00:57:12,137 --> 00:57:12,971
Poor Bianca.

1179
00:57:13,513 --> 00:57:16,266
She was so excited
that one day I caught her

1180
00:57:16,349 --> 00:57:18,726
taking the exorcism kit to kindergarten.

1181
00:57:18,810 --> 00:57:20,145
"Bianca, what's that for?"

1182
00:57:20,228 --> 00:57:21,896
"What if it happens to Fermín?"

1183
00:57:21,980 --> 00:57:23,648
"No, honey, leave it here."

1184
00:57:23,731 --> 00:57:26,067
"It's just a game. Go now."

1185
00:57:27,735 --> 00:57:28,653
I don't blame her.

1186
00:57:28,736 --> 00:57:30,738
Bianca was so innocent and naive.

1187
00:57:31,781 --> 00:57:33,825
I got carried away too. So stupid!

1188
00:57:34,742 --> 00:57:37,078
I was just fine, working on my computer,

1189
00:57:37,162 --> 00:57:38,621
when the Devil possessed me.

1190
00:57:39,330 --> 00:57:41,791
I started shaking like crazy.

1191
00:57:41,875 --> 00:57:44,836
And Bianca wasn't there. So I was screwed.

1192
00:57:44,919 --> 00:57:47,088
Luckily, the handyman
was fixing the heater.

1193
00:57:47,172 --> 00:57:48,339
"What do I do?"

1194
00:57:48,423 --> 00:57:50,675
"Call Bianca!" I could barely speak.

1195
00:57:51,509 --> 00:57:54,721
He had to go to kindergarten,
get Bianca, sign for her.

1196
00:57:54,804 --> 00:57:56,389
"Who's taking her?" "Handyman."

1197
00:57:56,473 --> 00:57:58,266
"Reason?" "Her dad is possessed."

1198
00:57:58,349 --> 00:58:00,727
"Just take her." They already knew me.

1199
00:58:02,061 --> 00:58:05,607
Bianca arrived and immediately saved me.
Of course, she knew how.

1200
00:58:05,690 --> 00:58:06,691
The handyman didn't.

1201
00:58:09,235 --> 00:58:13,198
I finally realized
the game wasn't all that normal,

1202
00:58:15,116 --> 00:58:19,829
when Bianca wanted to invite Vicky,
her friend from kindergarten.

1203
00:58:19,913 --> 00:58:22,874
They'd have tea, play and watch cartoons.

1204
00:58:23,458 --> 00:58:24,959
I asked her dad, Fabián.

1205
00:58:25,043 --> 00:58:27,378
"Yes, of course. I'll pick her up later."

1206
00:58:27,462 --> 00:58:29,714
"Do the horn! I'm a fan!" "Bye."

1207
00:58:29,797 --> 00:58:31,257
And I went home.

1208
00:58:31,341 --> 00:58:32,425
We were doing great.

1209
00:58:32,509 --> 00:58:35,261
Bianca was drinking her milk
and watching cartoons.

1210
00:58:36,137 --> 00:58:38,306
I decided to behave.

1211
00:58:38,806 --> 00:58:40,433
No Devil today, no.

1212
00:58:41,017 --> 00:58:41,851
No!

1213
00:58:42,352 --> 00:58:43,937
Not today, Vicky's here.

1214
00:58:44,020 --> 00:58:45,688
No Devil. We will frighten her.

1215
00:58:55,323 --> 00:58:57,367
"Bianca." No! Not today.

1216
00:58:57,867 --> 00:58:58,701
"Dad, you okay?"

1217
00:58:58,785 --> 00:59:01,204
"Don't worry, honey.
It won't happen today."

1218
00:59:02,914 --> 00:59:04,374
Suddenly, it got out of hand.

1219
00:59:05,208 --> 00:59:06,042
I fell.

1220
00:59:07,585 --> 00:59:09,546
It was a full-blown exorcist scene!

1221
00:59:09,629 --> 00:59:11,631
Snot, shit in my pants, the whole thing.

1222
00:59:11,714 --> 00:59:13,049
The Devil was very angry.

1223
00:59:13,132 --> 00:59:16,427
Bianca went, "Begone, spirit.
Begone, Satan and evil archangels.

1224
00:59:16,511 --> 00:59:17,845
Begone, Beelzebub!"

1225
00:59:18,346 --> 00:59:19,180
I stood up.

1226
00:59:19,764 --> 00:59:21,683
Bianca hugged me. I was in shock.

1227
00:59:22,559 --> 00:59:24,769
"Dad, you smell like shit." Right, I went.

1228
00:59:26,980 --> 00:59:30,900
I returned from the bathroom.
The Devil left me, but it possessed Vicky.

1229
00:59:30,984 --> 00:59:32,151
Vicky was like this.

1230
00:59:36,155 --> 00:59:36,990
"Call…"

1231
00:59:37,657 --> 00:59:38,741
"Call my dad."

1232
00:59:40,660 --> 00:59:42,161
"Call my dad."

1233
00:59:42,745 --> 00:59:45,456
"Vicky, it's just a game that we…"
"Call my dad."

1234
00:59:46,249 --> 00:59:47,083
"Dad."

1235
00:59:47,584 --> 00:59:48,585
"Dad."

1236
00:59:49,085 --> 00:59:50,336
"Vicky, it's a game…"

1237
00:59:50,420 --> 00:59:52,088
"Call my dad."

1238
00:59:52,171 --> 00:59:53,673
"Bianca, do something!"

1239
00:59:53,756 --> 00:59:56,926
"Begone, spirit!
Begone, Satan and evil archangels."

1240
00:59:57,010 --> 00:59:59,929
She smacked her with a bay leaf branch.
"No, honey, stop."

1241
01:00:00,555 --> 01:00:01,639
I called her dad.

1242
01:00:01,723 --> 01:00:04,601
"Fabián, come get your daughter,
Something is wrong."

1243
01:00:04,684 --> 01:00:05,643
The guy came over.

1244
01:00:06,144 --> 01:00:09,022
They were a really Christian family.
He came with a Bible.

1245
01:00:09,105 --> 01:00:12,775
He saw Vicky.
"Look, sometimes the Devil gets me."

1246
01:00:12,859 --> 01:00:15,570
"That's why I'm here,"
said Bianca, with the cross.

1247
01:00:15,653 --> 01:00:17,447
"Bianca, go to your room.

1248
01:00:17,530 --> 01:00:19,699
This is grown up stuff.
I'll handle it. Go."

1249
01:00:28,333 --> 01:00:29,208
"I have no idea."

1250
01:00:29,792 --> 01:00:33,421
Lifting Vicky was a two-man job.
She was stiff as a board.

1251
01:00:33,504 --> 01:00:36,174
We had to wedge her onto the back seat.

1252
01:00:36,257 --> 01:00:38,092
Diagonally, as doors wouldn't close.

1253
01:00:38,176 --> 01:00:40,345
I will never erase
that image from my head!

1254
01:00:40,428 --> 01:00:41,262
Poor Vicky.

1255
01:00:41,346 --> 01:00:43,014
She was like this.

1256
01:00:44,599 --> 01:00:47,518
Before leaving, the guy said,
"You're a fucking asshole."

1257
01:00:47,602 --> 01:00:50,063
"Excuse me? Why is that?"
"You're an asshole."

1258
01:00:50,146 --> 01:00:52,565
"Grow up. You've got
doodles on your arms."

1259
01:00:52,649 --> 01:00:56,069
"You fool around all day long!
Have you lost your marbles?"

1260
01:00:56,152 --> 01:00:58,321
"As for my girl, don't worry about her."

1261
01:00:58,404 --> 01:01:00,448
"We're going straight
to the Pentecostal church."

1262
01:01:00,531 --> 01:01:03,368
"We'll dip her in a pool of holy water,
she'll be saved."

1263
01:01:03,451 --> 01:01:04,535
"But your daughter?"

1264
01:01:04,619 --> 01:01:06,746
"All day like this!
What's wrong with you?"

1265
01:01:06,829 --> 01:01:08,081
"She won't come out unscathed."

1266
01:01:08,164 --> 01:01:11,584
"If she wants to be a lawyer,
a dentist, an agronomist, an architect,

1267
01:01:11,668 --> 01:01:13,836
who will be her role model?
Her stupid dad?"

1268
01:01:14,170 --> 01:01:17,924
"What if she does become a lawyer?
'Your Honor, this is the evidence.'"

1269
01:01:18,007 --> 01:01:20,051
"Are you an idiot? You have to grow up."

1270
01:01:20,635 --> 01:01:21,761
"Grow. Up."

1271
01:01:21,844 --> 01:01:22,845
And he left.

1272
01:01:23,638 --> 01:01:24,472
"Me?"

1273
01:01:29,227 --> 01:01:30,228
That was my answer.

1274
01:01:35,274 --> 01:01:38,194
Serendipity

1275
01:01:38,277 --> 01:01:39,153
Hi?

1276
01:01:39,237 --> 01:01:41,656
Honey… Sorry, ex-honey.

1277
01:01:41,739 --> 01:01:42,657
Force of habit.

1278
01:01:43,574 --> 01:01:45,868
He called you? He's such a tattletale.

1279
01:01:46,494 --> 01:01:47,912
We were just playing.

1280
01:01:47,995 --> 01:01:49,497
Just a bit. But I always…

1281
01:01:49,580 --> 01:01:51,999
How could I know she would get like that?

1282
01:01:53,042 --> 01:01:55,044
You're right. I got carried away. Sorry.

1283
01:01:55,962 --> 01:01:57,964
Serendipity

1284
01:01:58,047 --> 01:02:01,718
It's a very fortunate find

1285
01:02:01,801 --> 01:02:04,679
Valuable and unexpected

1286
01:02:04,762 --> 01:02:08,266
That happens all of a sudden

1287
01:02:08,808 --> 01:02:11,394
You're very angry.
Do you miss me? You don't.

1288
01:02:11,477 --> 01:02:15,565
It can also be a man's talent

1289
01:02:15,648 --> 01:02:18,901
To realize he found something important

1290
01:02:18,985 --> 01:02:22,447
That he wasn't looking for

1291
01:02:23,656 --> 01:02:24,824
Do you understand?

1292
01:02:24,907 --> 01:02:28,286
You're trying to explain,
but some things have no explanation.

1293
01:02:28,369 --> 01:02:31,622
Life suggests paths,
and you choose one. Or you don't.

1294
01:02:31,706 --> 01:02:33,958
Excuse my metaphor.

1295
01:02:34,041 --> 01:02:37,545
Sometimes you build a room
in two hours or hang a picture,

1296
01:02:37,628 --> 01:02:40,006
but life foils all your plans.

1297
01:02:40,089 --> 01:02:41,674
It's an image I have.

1298
01:02:42,341 --> 01:02:44,260
Like the Japanese guy, remember him?

1299
01:02:44,343 --> 01:02:46,554
Remember what the dry cleaner said?

1300
01:02:46,637 --> 01:02:48,848
"If you plant a quince,
you may get a lemon."

1301
01:02:48,931 --> 01:02:50,516
You didn't want lemons.

1302
01:02:50,600 --> 01:02:52,602
So what do you do?
Get angry at the lemons?

1303
01:02:52,685 --> 01:02:54,353
No! You make lemonade. That's it.

1304
01:02:54,437 --> 01:02:56,856
When you least expect it
You can find love

1305
01:02:56,939 --> 01:02:59,150
In the bus, next to you
When you don't see it coming

1306
01:02:59,233 --> 01:03:02,069
The paths and shortcuts
Work and yesterday

1307
01:03:02,153 --> 01:03:04,655
Girlfriend, drugs, money
Your past or what you have

1308
01:03:04,739 --> 01:03:07,492
You gotta take it as it is

1309
01:03:07,575 --> 01:03:09,702
You gotta take it or leave it

1310
01:03:09,786 --> 01:03:12,622
When I open a door

1311
01:03:13,414 --> 01:03:15,541
All the rest open too

1312
01:03:15,625 --> 01:03:17,460
But Bianca has fun.

1313
01:03:17,543 --> 01:03:19,212
Serendipity

1314
01:03:19,295 --> 01:03:24,217
Bianca will be whatever she wants to be.
An artist, a lawyer, you name it.

1315
01:03:24,300 --> 01:03:27,136
She'll figure it out, like you and I did…

1316
01:03:28,012 --> 01:03:30,306
Missing your stop

1317
01:03:30,389 --> 01:03:32,850
Getting off far from home

1318
01:03:33,559 --> 01:03:35,770
Maybe your life will change

1319
01:03:35,853 --> 01:03:37,688
In the blink of an eye

1320
01:03:38,397 --> 01:03:40,900
Success and failure

1321
01:03:40,983 --> 01:03:43,402
Fate and the unknown

1322
01:03:43,486 --> 01:03:46,489
Cholesterol and parties

1323
01:03:46,572 --> 01:03:49,200
Patience and desire

1324
01:03:49,283 --> 01:03:52,161
Letting go or holding on

1325
01:03:52,245 --> 01:03:54,372
Is losing or letting them win

1326
01:03:54,455 --> 01:03:57,250
Wanderer, there is no path

1327
01:03:57,333 --> 01:04:00,419
You make it as you go

1328
01:04:00,503 --> 01:04:02,672
Serendipity

1329
01:04:02,755 --> 01:04:05,633
I think you're the best mother
Bianca could have.

1330
01:04:05,716 --> 01:04:07,260
Serendipity

1331
01:04:07,343 --> 01:04:09,345
I have to go. Bye.

1332
01:04:09,428 --> 01:04:10,721
Keep the painting for me.

1333
01:04:11,722 --> 01:04:14,350
Santa Claus, my parents, my brother

1334
01:04:14,433 --> 01:04:16,936
Charles and the egg trick

1335
01:04:17,019 --> 01:04:19,772
I didn't want to be a magician

1336
01:04:19,856 --> 01:04:22,733
Because magicians don't get laid

1337
01:04:22,817 --> 01:04:25,361
Magicians don't get laid

1338
01:04:25,444 --> 01:04:27,989
Magicians don't get laid

1339
01:04:28,072 --> 01:04:31,242
Magicians don't get laid and never will

1340
01:04:31,826 --> 01:04:34,161
My first time was at 19

1341
01:04:34,662 --> 01:04:36,664
Divorce and love

1342
01:04:37,164 --> 01:04:39,333
If there's anything I know

1343
01:04:39,417 --> 01:04:42,169
Is that everything is better

1344
01:04:42,253 --> 01:04:44,839
You gotta take it or leave it

1345
01:04:44,922 --> 01:04:47,550
You gotta know the best hasn't come yet

1346
01:04:47,633 --> 01:04:50,636
Everything gives you something

1347
01:04:50,720 --> 01:04:53,806
Bianca is the cutest

1348
01:04:53,890 --> 01:04:57,602
Bianca!

1349
01:04:57,685 --> 01:05:01,564
You're the best

1350
01:05:03,190 --> 01:05:07,278
Bianca

1351
01:05:07,361 --> 01:05:10,072
It's so great

1352
01:05:12,491 --> 01:05:15,202
To be

1353
01:05:16,621 --> 01:05:18,998
You dad

1354
01:05:22,543 --> 01:05:24,921
We've been told at a very early age

1355
01:05:25,588 --> 01:05:28,007
that life is a straight line.

1356
01:05:28,841 --> 01:05:31,135
That if you do everything right,

1357
01:05:31,218 --> 01:05:32,803
study, work,

1358
01:05:32,887 --> 01:05:35,806
fall in love, get married, have kids,

1359
01:05:36,390 --> 01:05:39,352
you'll get, with no trouble at all,

1360
01:05:39,435 --> 01:05:41,145
from point A to point B.

1361
01:05:42,605 --> 01:05:43,981
A straight line?

1362
01:05:44,065 --> 01:05:44,941
Bullshit.

1363
01:05:45,024 --> 01:05:47,735
To me, life is when you leave
your parents' house.

1364
01:05:47,818 --> 01:05:49,320
When you are madly in love,

1365
01:05:49,403 --> 01:05:52,031
and she gives you the boot.

1366
01:05:53,407 --> 01:05:55,201
When you achieve your dream,

1367
01:05:55,284 --> 01:05:57,745
and realize it's kinda boring.

1368
01:05:57,828 --> 01:05:59,330
When you make money.

1369
01:05:59,413 --> 01:06:00,706
When you're broke.

1370
01:06:01,415 --> 01:06:03,751
When you become a father at 22.

1371
01:06:03,834 --> 01:06:06,128
When the unexpected happens.

1372
01:06:06,212 --> 01:06:08,756
To me, there are two ways to look at it.

1373
01:06:09,674 --> 01:06:13,469
You either get angry, curse, cry,

1374
01:06:13,552 --> 01:06:17,473
lash out at everyone
because life is not what you expected,

1375
01:06:17,556 --> 01:06:19,892
or what they told you it would be like.

1376
01:06:20,643 --> 01:06:21,477
Or…

1377
01:06:22,353 --> 01:06:23,604
you can actually grow up.

1378
01:06:24,146 --> 01:06:27,733
And realize that everything,
the good, the bad, the ugly,

1379
01:06:27,817 --> 01:06:31,237
the beautiful, the marvelous,
the unpredictable,

1380
01:06:32,530 --> 01:06:35,992
is a chance that life gives you every day.

1381
01:06:36,617 --> 01:06:38,619
A chance of walking down a new path.

1382
01:06:40,997 --> 01:06:44,792
Growing up means doing the same things

1383
01:06:44,875 --> 01:06:47,628
No matter what the rest think

1384
01:06:48,921 --> 01:06:52,008
Growing up means doing the same things

1385
01:06:53,050 --> 01:06:55,428
No matter what they think

1386
01:06:55,511 --> 01:06:58,222
No matter what they think

1387
01:06:58,889 --> 01:07:00,141
I bought it.

1388
01:07:01,642 --> 01:07:05,062
An unbreakable plastic truck.

1389
01:07:06,105 --> 01:07:10,192
Serendipity

1390
01:07:11,777 --> 01:07:16,198
Serendipity

1391
01:07:16,282 --> 01:07:19,618
After all, Santa, you were not so wrong.

1392
01:07:51,984 --> 01:07:53,778
One, two…

1393
01:07:53,861 --> 01:07:55,529
One, two, three, go!

1394
01:08:06,749 --> 01:08:08,209
It's an empty house, man.

1395
01:09:21,740 --> 01:09:23,742
Subtitle translation by: Ivan Cukier