WEBVTT FILE 1 00:00:00.099 --> 00:00:01.627 {\an7}- ♪ I’m fallin’, I’m fallin’, \h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hI’m fallin’ ♪ 2 00:00:01.627 --> 00:00:04.429 {\an7}♪ I’m fallin’, I’m fallin’ ♪ 3 00:00:02.000 --> 00:00:07.000 Downloaded from YTS.MX 4 00:00:04.429 --> 00:00:06.066 {\an7}♪ Hey, hey ♪ 5 00:00:06.066 --> 00:00:08.726 {\an7}♪ I took a break last night ♪ 6 00:00:08.000 --> 00:00:13.000 Official YIFY movies site: YTS.MX 7 00:00:08.726 --> 00:00:12.066 {\an7}[mellow hip-hop music] 8 00:00:12.066 --> 00:00:14.528 {\an7}♪ ♪ 9 00:00:14.528 --> 00:00:18.297 {\an7}♪ Had to get myself together ♪ 10 00:00:18.297 --> 00:00:20.033 {\an7}♪ I took a--I took a ♪ 11 00:00:20.033 --> 00:00:23.066 {\an7}♪ I took a break ♪ 12 00:00:23.066 --> 00:00:24.198 {\an7}♪ Keep fallin’, I’m fallin’ ♪ 13 00:00:24.198 --> 00:00:26.528 {\an7}♪ I’m fallin’, I’m fallin’, \h\h\h\h\h\h\hI’m fallin’ ♪ 14 00:00:26.528 --> 00:00:27.660 {\an7}♪ I’m fallin’, I’m fallin’ ♪ 15 00:00:27.660 --> 00:00:32.561 {\an7}♪ I’m fallin’, I’m fallin’, \h\h\h\h\h\h\hI’m fallin’ ♪ 16 00:00:32.561 --> 00:00:36.099 {\an7}[cheers and applause] 17 00:00:36.099 --> 00:00:43.528 {\an7}♪ ♪ 18 00:00:55.528 --> 00:00:59.264 {\an7}[cheers and applause] 19 00:01:05.330 --> 00:01:06.462 {\an7}- Cool. 20 00:01:06.462 --> 00:01:07.264 {\an7}Everybody sit down. 21 00:01:07.264 --> 00:01:08.363 {\an7}Thank you so much \hfor coming out. 22 00:01:08.363 --> 00:01:09.726 {\an7}\h\h\h\h\hGive it up for yourselves again. 23 00:01:09.726 --> 00:01:11.132 {\an7}Oh, my gosh. 24 00:01:11.132 --> 00:01:12.792 {\an7}[cheers and applause] 25 00:01:12.792 --> 00:01:15.792 {\an7}We’re all here. \h\hWe made it. 26 00:01:15.792 --> 00:01:17.462 {\an7}Oh, man. 27 00:01:17.462 --> 00:01:20.066 {\an7}It’s so great to be here \h\h\h\hwith all of you. 28 00:01:20.066 --> 00:01:21.264 {\an7}This is incredible. 29 00:01:21.264 --> 00:01:23.396 {\an7}This is absolutely amazing 30 00:01:23.396 --> 00:01:26.396 {\an7}’cause it means we did it. 31 00:01:26.396 --> 00:01:28.528 {\an7}We lived. 32 00:01:30.198 --> 00:01:30.957 {\an7}I’m not gonna lie. 33 00:01:30.957 --> 00:01:34.396 {\an7}\h\h\h\h\hI didn’t think-- I didn’t think I’d make it. 34 00:01:34.396 --> 00:01:35.594 {\an7}I didn’t even get COVID. 35 00:01:35.594 --> 00:01:38.363 {\an7}I’m just not a survivor. 36 00:01:38.363 --> 00:01:42.396 {\an7}\hThat’s not how anybody I know would describe me. 37 00:01:42.396 --> 00:01:46.264 {\an7}I’ll even tell you what, a year \h\hbefore the pandemic, right? 38 00:01:46.264 --> 00:01:49.198 {\an7}\h\hFully before the pandemic, I was just walking in New York 39 00:01:49.198 --> 00:01:52.198 {\an7}just looking up at the sky, \h\hloving my life, right? 40 00:01:52.198 --> 00:01:54.231 {\an7}Just looking up, being happy. 41 00:01:54.231 --> 00:01:55.693 {\an7}And I stepped off the curb. 42 00:01:55.693 --> 00:01:58.528 {\an7}That’s all that’s happened \h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hso far. 43 00:01:58.528 --> 00:01:59.726 {\an7}I stepped off the curb, 44 00:01:59.726 --> 00:02:03.198 {\an7}and I stepped on a bird, okay? 45 00:02:03.198 --> 00:02:05.858 {\an7}\hAnd here’s the thing. Not a dead bird, okay? 46 00:02:05.858 --> 00:02:07.627 {\an7}This bird was also \h\hwalking around 47 00:02:07.627 --> 00:02:11.495 {\an7}not paying attention, \h\hloving his life. 48 00:02:11.495 --> 00:02:13.858 {\an7}We just collided with nature. 49 00:02:13.858 --> 00:02:15.759 {\an7}Humanity at once. 50 00:02:15.759 --> 00:02:17.462 {\an7}And so I stepped on the bird. 51 00:02:17.462 --> 00:02:18.693 {\an7}The bird and I freaked out, 52 00:02:18.693 --> 00:02:22.825 {\an7}\hand the bird and I made the same noise. 53 00:02:23.033 --> 00:02:27.132 {\an7}\hThat is not somebody that survives a global pandemic, 54 00:02:27.132 --> 00:02:27.759 {\an7}all right? 55 00:02:27.759 --> 00:02:30.594 {\an7}If you can match the pitch \hof a pigeon out of fear, 56 00:02:30.594 --> 00:02:32.693 {\an7}\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hthen no, no one is checking for you 57 00:02:32.693 --> 00:02:34.825 {\an7}in the "Mad Max" movie, \h\h\h\h\h\hall right? 58 00:02:34.825 --> 00:02:38.363 {\an7}\h\h\h\hYou died in the first five seconds in that montage 59 00:02:38.363 --> 00:02:39.825 {\an7}about what went wrong \h\h\hwith the world. 60 00:02:39.825 --> 00:02:42.231 {\an7}It’s just you and a bird like-- \h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h[squawks] 61 00:02:42.231 --> 00:02:45.891 {\an7}Like that’s how it ends. 62 00:02:46.825 --> 00:02:49.726 {\an7}This is insane, you know? 63 00:02:49.726 --> 00:02:50.891 {\an7}Global pandemic. 64 00:02:50.891 --> 00:02:54.231 {\an7}\h\h\h\h\h\hLast year was crazy ’cause this was the first thing 65 00:02:54.231 --> 00:02:57.561 {\an7}\h\h\h\hthat ever happened that happened to everybody. 66 00:02:57.561 --> 00:02:58.627 {\an7}That’s wild. 67 00:02:58.627 --> 00:03:01.429 {\an7}That didn’t even happen \h\hin the World Wars, 68 00:03:01.429 --> 00:03:04.924 {\an7}and they’re named after the world, 69 00:03:04.924 --> 00:03:05.561 {\an7}you know? 70 00:03:05.561 --> 00:03:07.429 {\an7}There were some countries like, \h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h"We good. 71 00:03:07.429 --> 00:03:08.792 {\an7}\h\h"We’re just going to sit out this one. 72 00:03:08.792 --> 00:03:13.462 {\an7}\h\h"Y’all seem to be working a thing out over there, so... 73 00:03:13.462 --> 00:03:14.264 {\an7}"We kinda little. 74 00:03:14.264 --> 00:03:18.396 {\an7}\h\h\h\h\h\hWe don’t need to be dusted up in that." 75 00:03:18.396 --> 00:03:18.957 {\an7}You know? 76 00:03:18.957 --> 00:03:21.693 {\an7}\h\h\h\h\hSome people thought it was the end of the world, 77 00:03:21.693 --> 00:03:23.891 {\an7}\h\h\h\hwhich is why I’m pretty sure that 78 00:03:23.891 --> 00:03:25.693 {\an7}in all that chaos, 79 00:03:25.693 --> 00:03:27.660 {\an7}in all that uncertainty, 80 00:03:27.660 --> 00:03:29.264 {\an7}in all that fear, 81 00:03:29.264 --> 00:03:33.726 {\an7}somebody somewhere, \h\h\h\hdefinitely 82 00:03:33.726 --> 00:03:35.231 {\an7}ate a person. 83 00:03:35.231 --> 00:03:36.924 {\an7}That happened, all right? 84 00:03:36.924 --> 00:03:40.561 {\an7}And we need to talk \h\habout it, okay? 85 00:03:40.561 --> 00:03:42.462 {\an7}It’s more likely that it happened 86 00:03:42.462 --> 00:03:44.528 {\an7}than that it didn’t happen. 87 00:03:44.528 --> 00:03:47.429 {\an7}You can’t tell me out of 7 billion people, 88 00:03:47.429 --> 00:03:49.528 {\an7}nobody was strong enough \h\h\h\h\hand dumb enough 89 00:03:49.528 --> 00:03:53.396 {\an7}not to eat somebody \htoo quick, okay? 90 00:03:53.660 --> 00:03:55.660 {\an7}This dude’s getting arrested \h\h\h\h\h\hthis year, like, 91 00:03:55.660 --> 00:03:58.561 {\an7}"Okay, I’m the only one \h\h\hwho ate somebody. 92 00:03:58.561 --> 00:03:59.858 {\an7}"A’ight. 93 00:03:59.858 --> 00:04:00.627 {\an7}"I’m going. 94 00:04:00.627 --> 00:04:01.792 {\an7}"How was I supposed \hto know next year 95 00:04:01.792 --> 00:04:04.660 {\an7}\h\h\h\h"there’d still be Cap’n Crunch, all right? 96 00:04:04.660 --> 00:04:05.396 {\an7}"I’m going. 97 00:04:05.396 --> 00:04:06.825 {\an7}\h"Can I just say something though? 98 00:04:06.825 --> 00:04:09.330 {\an7}"Can I just say something? 99 00:04:09.330 --> 00:04:12.759 {\an7}"Nobody even liked Dave, okay? 100 00:04:12.759 --> 00:04:14.726 {\an7}"That’s why it took y’all \h\hso long to catch him. 101 00:04:14.726 --> 00:04:15.792 {\an7}"Nobody was checking for Dave. 102 00:04:15.792 --> 00:04:17.264 {\an7}"Look, I’m going. \h\h\hI’m going. 103 00:04:17.264 --> 00:04:19.330 {\an7}"Nobody was checking for Dave. 104 00:04:19.330 --> 00:04:20.495 {\an7}\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h"Come on. Can I say something else? 105 00:04:20.495 --> 00:04:23.924 {\an7}"Can I just--can I just say something else real quick? 106 00:04:23.924 --> 00:04:24.891 {\an7}"He was a little gamey. 107 00:04:24.891 --> 00:04:27.726 {\an7}"He was a little dry, \h\h\h\h\hall right? 108 00:04:27.726 --> 00:04:29.330 {\an7}"So now I gotta go to jail off a meal 109 00:04:29.330 --> 00:04:32.396 {\an7}\h"that wasn’t even good off of a dude that nobody liked. 110 00:04:32.396 --> 00:04:35.396 {\an7}"Where’s the justice? 111 00:04:36.264 --> 00:04:39.495 {\an7}"He was a one-star meal and person, all right? 112 00:04:39.495 --> 00:04:42.297 {\an7}I’m going, I said." 113 00:04:45.042 --> 00:04:46.144 - The thing that bothers me now 114 00:04:46.210 --> 00:04:48.212 is that now that there's vaccines 115 00:04:48.279 --> 00:04:50.882 and, you know, there's whole game plans 116 00:04:50.948 --> 00:04:52.550 for how we're going to attack this thing, 117 00:04:52.617 --> 00:04:55.286 there are people that want to act like they knew 118 00:04:55.353 --> 00:04:58.823 it was going to be okay the entire time. 119 00:04:58.890 --> 00:05:01.159 They wanna act like they were cool the whole time, 120 00:05:01.225 --> 00:05:02.627 and that bothers me. 121 00:05:02.693 --> 00:05:05.196 It makes me mad, you know? 122 00:05:05.263 --> 00:05:06.731 Doctors were like, 123 00:05:06.798 --> 00:05:08.800 "We've never seen anything like this before, all right?" 124 00:05:08.866 --> 00:05:11.469 And you were like, "No, I think it'll be fine." 125 00:05:11.536 --> 00:05:13.070 No, that's not true. 126 00:05:13.137 --> 00:05:16.307 Everybody was at least a little bit panicked. 127 00:05:16.374 --> 00:05:18.776 And you know how I know that? 128 00:05:18.843 --> 00:05:22.180 Remember that food run in March? 129 00:05:22.947 --> 00:05:24.482 Remember that food run where people thought 130 00:05:24.549 --> 00:05:26.884 it was the end of the world? 131 00:05:26.951 --> 00:05:30.721 And they ran past the food to the toilet paper. 132 00:05:35.359 --> 00:05:37.095 They thought we were all gonna die, 133 00:05:37.161 --> 00:05:39.797 and they ran past the cheese snacks 134 00:05:39.864 --> 00:05:41.666 to what they were going to wipe their butt with. 135 00:05:41.732 --> 00:05:45.470 There's never been a better ad for a bidet. 136 00:05:46.971 --> 00:05:49.807 [cheers and applause] 137 00:05:51.876 --> 00:05:54.045 There's never been a better ad for a bidet 138 00:05:54.112 --> 00:05:55.880 than a soccer mom 139 00:05:55.980 --> 00:05:58.883 punching an old lady in the face for some Charmin. 140 00:05:58.983 --> 00:06:00.451 She hits the ground. 141 00:06:00.518 --> 00:06:01.753 Lady's running with it under her arm. 142 00:06:01.819 --> 00:06:04.989 Even the mascot bear's like, "Ooh." 143 00:06:04.989 --> 00:06:06.758 You know? 144 00:06:06.824 --> 00:06:08.893 But you knew it would be okay. 145 00:06:08.993 --> 00:06:10.561 Come on. 146 00:06:10.628 --> 00:06:13.731 I knew some people that were quarantined 147 00:06:13.798 --> 00:06:17.368 with their whole family the entire time, you know? 148 00:06:17.435 --> 00:06:19.070 Like seven people in, like, 149 00:06:19.137 --> 00:06:22.006 a two-bedroom house. 150 00:06:22.039 --> 00:06:24.876 Oof. 151 00:06:25.009 --> 00:06:26.411 Let's say it happens. 152 00:06:26.477 --> 00:06:28.413 Society crumbles. 153 00:06:28.479 --> 00:06:30.314 The infrastructure fails. 154 00:06:30.381 --> 00:06:32.316 It's time to start eating people. 155 00:06:34.018 --> 00:06:35.720 There are people that were just looking 156 00:06:35.787 --> 00:06:38.756 at their fattest cousin like, "It's gonna be you, all right? 157 00:06:41.325 --> 00:06:42.493 "What you gonna do? Run? 158 00:06:42.560 --> 00:06:45.863 "No, it's too late for that, all right? 159 00:06:45.963 --> 00:06:49.467 Plus he diabetic, so I know he going to be sweet, okay?" 160 00:06:51.836 --> 00:06:53.237 I like how that was a line for you. 161 00:06:53.304 --> 00:06:55.339 We've been eating people for four minutes straight-- 162 00:06:55.406 --> 00:06:56.641 of eating people jokes, 163 00:06:56.707 --> 00:06:59.544 and diabetic was where you were like, "Ooh. 164 00:07:02.380 --> 00:07:04.982 Not if they taste like cake." 165 00:07:07.585 --> 00:07:10.054 The pandemic definitely-- 166 00:07:10.121 --> 00:07:12.123 it definitely made me glad 167 00:07:12.190 --> 00:07:14.292 that I... 168 00:07:14.358 --> 00:07:16.994 grew up Black in America. 169 00:07:17.061 --> 00:07:18.996 You know what I mean? 170 00:07:19.063 --> 00:07:21.599 [cheers and applause] 171 00:07:21.666 --> 00:07:25.002 'Cause nothing prepares you for a pandemic in America 172 00:07:25.069 --> 00:07:29.006 like being Black in regular America. 173 00:07:29.073 --> 00:07:31.542 You know what I mean? 174 00:07:31.609 --> 00:07:33.010 Just sitting there like, what? 175 00:07:33.010 --> 00:07:34.445 Wait, wait, wait. What's that you say? 176 00:07:34.512 --> 00:07:35.680 Food is scarce, 177 00:07:35.747 --> 00:07:37.148 medical attention is hard to come by, 178 00:07:37.215 --> 00:07:38.349 and jobs in the community 179 00:07:38.416 --> 00:07:40.084 are being lost by the thousands? 180 00:07:42.019 --> 00:07:44.655 What is this? A Tuesday? 181 00:07:44.722 --> 00:07:47.959 You know what I mean? 182 00:07:47.959 --> 00:07:50.495 Even now--even now that we have a vaccine, 183 00:07:50.561 --> 00:07:52.396 and there's a light at the end of the tunnel, 184 00:07:52.463 --> 00:07:54.632 there's a lot Black people that don't want to take it. 185 00:07:54.699 --> 00:07:57.201 And I understand. I do get it. 186 00:07:57.268 --> 00:07:58.836 They don't want to take it 187 00:07:58.970 --> 00:08:00.705 'cause of history, you know what I mean? 188 00:08:00.772 --> 00:08:03.174 Like, it's just not on science's side. 189 00:08:03.241 --> 00:08:06.978 We've been experimented on before, and we remember. 190 00:08:07.011 --> 00:08:10.648 But I will say I'm fully vaccinated. 191 00:08:10.715 --> 00:08:13.885 [cheers and applause] 192 00:08:15.853 --> 00:08:17.588 That's the first time anybody's clapped for my asthma. 193 00:08:17.655 --> 00:08:20.291 That is incredible. 194 00:08:20.358 --> 00:08:22.393 Okay. I'll take it. 195 00:08:22.460 --> 00:08:23.528 But I am fully vaccinated. 196 00:08:23.594 --> 00:08:25.696 And I would tell all the Black people 197 00:08:25.763 --> 00:08:27.799 that I know in my life and out of it, 198 00:08:27.865 --> 00:08:29.867 that this is the one to get. 199 00:08:30.001 --> 00:08:32.003 And I know it's the one to get 200 00:08:32.036 --> 00:08:35.039 'cause they didn't want to give it to us right away. 201 00:08:39.143 --> 00:08:40.278 Don't get me wrong. 202 00:08:40.344 --> 00:08:42.046 If you're just out playing basketball 203 00:08:42.113 --> 00:08:44.115 and some white men in white coats just walk up like, 204 00:08:44.182 --> 00:08:47.685 "Would you kids like some free medicine?" 205 00:08:47.752 --> 00:08:50.188 Then yeah, no, no. 206 00:08:50.254 --> 00:08:51.956 Back away. 207 00:08:51.989 --> 00:08:53.458 But there were whole states that were like, 208 00:08:53.524 --> 00:08:54.725 "Wait your turn, nigger." 209 00:08:54.792 --> 00:08:57.962 That's how you know it's the good stuff. 210 00:09:02.533 --> 00:09:05.169 I'm sorry about the truth. 211 00:09:05.236 --> 00:09:07.472 I don't know what to tell you. 212 00:09:07.538 --> 00:09:10.641 [cheers and applause] 213 00:09:15.613 --> 00:09:18.983 But yeah, I--I know last year was scary. 214 00:09:19.050 --> 00:09:20.618 It was. 215 00:09:20.685 --> 00:09:22.553 'Cause some people's-- 216 00:09:22.620 --> 00:09:25.356 some people's worst fears came true last year. 217 00:09:25.423 --> 00:09:28.025 There's some people whose worst fear 218 00:09:28.092 --> 00:09:29.660 in their entire life 219 00:09:29.727 --> 00:09:30.995 is losing their job 220 00:09:31.062 --> 00:09:33.197 and not being able to provide for their family, 221 00:09:33.264 --> 00:09:34.699 and that happened. 222 00:09:34.766 --> 00:09:36.801 There's some people whose worst fear 223 00:09:36.868 --> 00:09:39.504 in their entire life 224 00:09:39.570 --> 00:09:41.506 is getting sick and being a burden 225 00:09:41.572 --> 00:09:43.207 on the people that they love, 226 00:09:43.274 --> 00:09:45.176 and that happened. 227 00:09:45.243 --> 00:09:48.045 I had my worst fear in my entire life 228 00:09:48.112 --> 00:09:50.848 come true last year. 229 00:09:50.948 --> 00:09:53.951 I got a bee stuck in my hair. 230 00:09:59.957 --> 00:10:01.659 I know it doesn't sound like it matches up, 231 00:10:01.726 --> 00:10:04.662 but let me explain. 232 00:10:04.729 --> 00:10:07.665 First of all, I am deathly allergic, okay? 233 00:10:07.732 --> 00:10:10.001 I'm dea--if I get stung, I will die. 234 00:10:10.067 --> 00:10:12.603 Me plus bee equals dead, okay? 235 00:10:12.670 --> 00:10:14.272 That's the quick math for you. 236 00:10:14.338 --> 00:10:16.841 And this thing came in hot, all right? 237 00:10:16.974 --> 00:10:19.043 It shot in my hair like it belonged there. 238 00:10:19.110 --> 00:10:21.846 And at first, I just tried to whip my hair back and forth. 239 00:10:21.979 --> 00:10:23.648 Tried to get it out. That didn't help at all. 240 00:10:23.714 --> 00:10:26.150 It just got it more stuck. 241 00:10:26.217 --> 00:10:28.419 So now I am running up to people screaming for help, 242 00:10:28.486 --> 00:10:31.255 but there is no quicker way to look schizophrenic 243 00:10:31.322 --> 00:10:34.025 than running up to people screaming for help, 244 00:10:34.092 --> 00:10:36.861 and they can't see the threat, all right? 245 00:10:39.664 --> 00:10:41.466 So now I'm running up to white people 246 00:10:41.532 --> 00:10:44.569 in the park ruining picnics, okay? 247 00:10:45.703 --> 00:10:47.572 I am stepping in people's pesto. 248 00:10:47.638 --> 00:10:49.974 I'm slipping in hummus. 249 00:10:50.041 --> 00:10:53.778 I fell and snapped a whole charcuterie board. 250 00:10:55.680 --> 00:10:56.981 And I know what I should have done. 251 00:10:57.048 --> 00:10:58.349 I should have-- I should have run up, 252 00:10:58.416 --> 00:10:59.817 and I should've been like, "Hey, I'm so sorry, 253 00:10:59.951 --> 00:11:01.185 "but if I could get your attention 254 00:11:01.252 --> 00:11:03.254 "for just a second, there's a bee in my hair, 255 00:11:03.321 --> 00:11:04.288 "and I'm deathly allergic. 256 00:11:04.355 --> 00:11:05.590 "If you could help me out, 257 00:11:05.656 --> 00:11:08.059 that would be a literal lifesaver, okay?" 258 00:11:08.126 --> 00:11:11.295 I was too panicked for any of that, all right? 259 00:11:11.362 --> 00:11:14.699 So I just ran up on 'em like, "It's in me! 260 00:11:23.741 --> 00:11:27.378 "Can't you hear it? 261 00:11:27.445 --> 00:11:30.214 It's gonna kill me!" 262 00:11:32.817 --> 00:11:34.685 And I forgot to mention up top 263 00:11:34.752 --> 00:11:36.187 that when I slipped in the hummus, 264 00:11:36.254 --> 00:11:39.991 I rolled my ankle, so... 265 00:11:39.991 --> 00:11:42.827 I didn't even get to run up on the regular. 266 00:11:42.894 --> 00:11:46.164 I was running up, I'm like, "It's in me! 267 00:11:47.532 --> 00:11:49.934 "Can't you hear it? 268 00:11:49.967 --> 00:11:53.004 It's gonna kill me!" 269 00:11:54.205 --> 00:11:55.640 People were running away from me. 270 00:11:55.706 --> 00:11:57.442 It was terrible. 271 00:11:57.508 --> 00:12:00.278 It was absolutely horrible. 272 00:12:00.344 --> 00:12:02.814 And this is the thing--thing that bothered me the most-- 273 00:12:02.947 --> 00:12:05.817 the thing that really stressed me out-- 274 00:12:05.950 --> 00:12:07.985 even broke my heart a little bit-- 275 00:12:08.052 --> 00:12:10.755 was this was the one time-- the one time 276 00:12:10.822 --> 00:12:13.825 in my entire life 277 00:12:13.958 --> 00:12:15.860 that I needed white people to touch my hair, 278 00:12:15.960 --> 00:12:18.029 and they were nowhere to be found. 279 00:12:23.701 --> 00:12:25.636 I wasn't asking. I was begging. 280 00:12:25.703 --> 00:12:27.371 I was like, "I'm gonna die!" 281 00:12:27.438 --> 00:12:29.207 And they were like, "No, no, I know better. 282 00:12:29.273 --> 00:12:30.775 "I learned about this, all right? 283 00:12:30.842 --> 00:12:32.009 "I went to Vassar. 284 00:12:32.076 --> 00:12:33.678 "You're not going to get me canceled. 285 00:12:33.745 --> 00:12:35.379 "I took a sensitivity class. 286 00:12:35.446 --> 00:12:37.381 Where's the Twitter?" 287 00:12:41.984 --> 00:12:43.386 - Oh. 288 00:12:43.452 --> 00:12:45.521 I developed a lot of pet peeves 289 00:12:45.588 --> 00:12:48.124 in the pandemic, you know? 290 00:12:48.190 --> 00:12:49.959 A lot of things that didn't bother me before 291 00:12:50.025 --> 00:12:52.194 that definitely bother me now. 292 00:12:52.261 --> 00:12:54.130 Really upset me. 293 00:12:54.196 --> 00:12:55.865 Like, um... 294 00:12:55.931 --> 00:12:58.367 I'm done with horoscopes. 295 00:13:00.870 --> 00:13:03.939 You can read yours but don't read me mine, okay? 296 00:13:04.940 --> 00:13:07.076 And I say I'm done because 297 00:13:07.143 --> 00:13:09.979 they're too esoteric for me, you know? 298 00:13:10.045 --> 00:13:12.214 "You'll find love in love's place 299 00:13:12.281 --> 00:13:14.817 when love's ready to do love's thing." 300 00:13:16.585 --> 00:13:18.254 You think? 301 00:13:18.320 --> 00:13:19.555 Wow. 302 00:13:19.622 --> 00:13:20.890 You basically just said 303 00:13:20.956 --> 00:13:22.425 something's going to happen eventually. 304 00:13:22.491 --> 00:13:25.161 That's your prediction. 305 00:13:26.462 --> 00:13:28.297 I would just rather horoscope with less words. 306 00:13:28.364 --> 00:13:29.532 That would make me happier. 307 00:13:29.598 --> 00:13:31.033 I would rather open up a newspaper, 308 00:13:31.100 --> 00:13:32.635 go down to where it says Pisces, 309 00:13:32.701 --> 00:13:34.136 and it just says, "Don't." 310 00:13:34.203 --> 00:13:37.840 I'm sure I was going to do something dumb that day. 311 00:13:41.577 --> 00:13:43.846 The other reason I'm done with them 312 00:13:43.946 --> 00:13:45.681 is because, you know... 313 00:13:45.748 --> 00:13:47.283 [scoffs] 314 00:13:48.851 --> 00:13:51.387 Everybody here was born. 315 00:13:51.454 --> 00:13:53.189 Everybody here's got a sign 316 00:13:53.255 --> 00:13:54.523 whether you believe in it or not. 317 00:13:54.590 --> 00:13:57.293 Everyone has one, right? 318 00:13:57.359 --> 00:14:02.131 How did everybody's horoscope miss a global pandemic? 319 00:14:02.198 --> 00:14:05.000 It was coming whether you were, like, a Leo or a Libra 320 00:14:05.067 --> 00:14:07.236 or, like, the scales or the--the--the dolphin 321 00:14:07.303 --> 00:14:10.573 and the--the dog, whatever it is. 322 00:14:10.639 --> 00:14:11.974 It was coming no matter what. 323 00:14:12.007 --> 00:14:13.876 So I still have people who have the nerve 324 00:14:13.976 --> 00:14:15.611 to read me my horoscope and, like, 325 00:14:15.678 --> 00:14:18.047 "It says something very special is on the way for you." 326 00:14:18.114 --> 00:14:19.381 Really? 327 00:14:19.448 --> 00:14:22.685 It couldn't have said, "Mask up March 15th?" 328 00:14:22.752 --> 00:14:25.354 That would have still been mysterious. 329 00:14:30.793 --> 00:14:33.496 I... 330 00:14:33.562 --> 00:14:36.766 I had a hard time in lockdown. 331 00:14:36.832 --> 00:14:40.136 I really did. In quarantine, it was hard. 332 00:14:40.202 --> 00:14:43.672 It was really, really hard because it-- 333 00:14:43.739 --> 00:14:46.175 it made a liar out of me. 334 00:14:47.410 --> 00:14:49.111 It did. 335 00:14:49.178 --> 00:14:52.948 'Cause I've always said, my entire life... 336 00:14:54.450 --> 00:14:57.253 If I just had the time. 337 00:15:02.958 --> 00:15:04.994 Oh, if I had the time, 338 00:15:05.061 --> 00:15:08.431 I'd learn another language. 339 00:15:08.497 --> 00:15:10.599 I'd get ripped. 340 00:15:10.666 --> 00:15:12.068 I'd learn how to build a house. 341 00:15:12.134 --> 00:15:14.970 Turns out, if you lock me in my room for nine months, 342 00:15:14.970 --> 00:15:18.074 I won't do any of those things. 343 00:15:23.779 --> 00:15:26.348 I would just rather watch TV 344 00:15:26.415 --> 00:15:29.185 until I fall asleep in succession. 345 00:15:29.985 --> 00:15:32.655 I watched TV and fell asleep so many times 346 00:15:32.722 --> 00:15:34.557 that the only way that I knew if I ate 347 00:15:34.623 --> 00:15:38.160 was if I woke up with Dorito dust on my collar. 348 00:15:39.428 --> 00:15:41.430 I was just waking up middle of the day just-- 349 00:15:41.497 --> 00:15:43.132 [gasping for air] 350 00:15:43.199 --> 00:15:45.034 Oh. Oh, thank God. 351 00:15:45.101 --> 00:15:47.403 Oh. 352 00:15:49.405 --> 00:15:50.940 My--that became my life. 353 00:15:51.006 --> 00:15:53.809 My life just became screens nonstop. 354 00:15:53.943 --> 00:15:55.044 It was either my phone 355 00:15:55.111 --> 00:15:57.546 or my computer or my TV nonstop. 356 00:15:57.613 --> 00:16:00.049 I was either on the internet or I was watching something. 357 00:16:00.116 --> 00:16:02.351 And it got to be a lot. 358 00:16:02.418 --> 00:16:05.755 It got to the point where I knew I needed 359 00:16:05.821 --> 00:16:08.724 to take a break, you know? 360 00:16:08.791 --> 00:16:11.260 So I decided to do it. I put--I put everything down. 361 00:16:11.327 --> 00:16:14.397 I turned everything off, and I just sat in my room 362 00:16:14.463 --> 00:16:17.299 and I would just sit, and I would think. 363 00:16:17.366 --> 00:16:20.035 Just try to be alone with myself in a quiet place. 364 00:16:20.102 --> 00:16:21.604 Like suss myself out, 365 00:16:21.670 --> 00:16:23.606 get to know what I'm really about in here. 366 00:16:23.672 --> 00:16:24.740 And that... 367 00:16:24.807 --> 00:16:27.743 was a terrible mistake. 368 00:16:27.810 --> 00:16:28.978 It was. 369 00:16:28.978 --> 00:16:30.312 It was a terrible-- it was the-- 370 00:16:30.379 --> 00:16:32.581 one of the dumbest things I've ever done in my life. 371 00:16:32.648 --> 00:16:34.083 First of all, 372 00:16:34.150 --> 00:16:35.985 I'm just sitting, thinking. 373 00:16:35.985 --> 00:16:38.087 I'm not thinking after reading. 374 00:16:38.154 --> 00:16:41.223 I'm just thinking raw-ass thoughts. 375 00:16:42.558 --> 00:16:43.759 These aren't good thoughts. 376 00:16:43.826 --> 00:16:45.094 These are just things I'd normally 377 00:16:45.161 --> 00:16:48.564 be too distracted by TV to think. 378 00:16:48.631 --> 00:16:50.699 And they were real dumb. 379 00:16:50.766 --> 00:16:52.468 And that was heartbreaking. 380 00:16:52.535 --> 00:16:53.702 It was. 381 00:16:53.769 --> 00:16:55.371 I always thought if I just sat and thought, 382 00:16:55.438 --> 00:16:57.006 I'd come up with a theory or something. 383 00:16:57.073 --> 00:16:58.307 And I was just sitting there, like, 384 00:16:58.374 --> 00:16:59.942 "Oh, my God. All of these things are dumb. 385 00:16:59.975 --> 00:17:01.844 "Am I dumb? 386 00:17:01.944 --> 00:17:04.980 "Is this how dumb people find out? 387 00:17:07.616 --> 00:17:09.552 "'Cause that last thing was real dumb, 388 00:17:09.618 --> 00:17:12.421 and I'm the only one talking." 389 00:17:16.225 --> 00:17:19.128 That's what happens when you sit with your thoughts. 390 00:17:20.529 --> 00:17:22.565 But I knew I had to take a break. 391 00:17:22.631 --> 00:17:25.134 I knew it because 392 00:17:25.201 --> 00:17:28.270 I got to the point where 393 00:17:28.337 --> 00:17:31.741 I wasn't sure if I knew who I was 394 00:17:31.807 --> 00:17:34.610 when there wasn't a screen in front of my face, 395 00:17:34.677 --> 00:17:36.178 you know? 396 00:17:36.245 --> 00:17:39.181 Because I know it sounds bad to say, 397 00:17:39.248 --> 00:17:42.251 but there's an online me, and there's an in-person me. 398 00:17:42.318 --> 00:17:43.986 And I know it sounds fake to say that, 399 00:17:44.053 --> 00:17:47.356 but it's true, you know? 400 00:17:47.423 --> 00:17:50.993 And I'm scared that the online version is better. 401 00:17:52.294 --> 00:17:56.065 I am because online, I try to-- 402 00:17:56.132 --> 00:17:58.200 I try to educate people, you know? 403 00:17:58.267 --> 00:18:01.303 I--I take up for people that I don't know. 404 00:18:01.370 --> 00:18:04.540 I fight for causes that I believe in. 405 00:18:04.607 --> 00:18:06.409 But in real life, 406 00:18:06.475 --> 00:18:08.344 I saw my friend, Sean, get jumped, 407 00:18:08.411 --> 00:18:09.979 and I was like, "He probably did something. 408 00:18:10.045 --> 00:18:12.047 "Uh... 409 00:18:14.817 --> 00:18:18.354 "I don't see how that's my business, you know? 410 00:18:18.421 --> 00:18:19.855 "Honestly, it wouldn't be three of them 411 00:18:19.955 --> 00:18:23.259 "if he didn't do it--if he didn't deserve it, you know? 412 00:18:23.325 --> 00:18:24.560 "In fact, let me turn around. 413 00:18:24.627 --> 00:18:27.730 "I don't like him screaming my name like that. 414 00:18:27.797 --> 00:18:31.434 I don't want to be involved." 415 00:18:31.500 --> 00:18:32.435 You know? 416 00:18:32.501 --> 00:18:34.470 Online, I try to educate people 417 00:18:34.537 --> 00:18:36.972 that I feel like are being ignorant. 418 00:18:37.039 --> 00:18:39.308 But you know what I don't do in real life? 419 00:18:39.375 --> 00:18:40.476 Read! 420 00:18:40.543 --> 00:18:42.278 Like, I don't know where I get off 421 00:18:42.344 --> 00:18:44.280 talking down to people. 422 00:18:44.346 --> 00:18:47.016 'Cause I got a keyboard in front of me. 423 00:18:48.517 --> 00:18:50.653 Online, I tell people I don't know 424 00:18:50.720 --> 00:18:54.390 to keep following their dream, okay? 425 00:18:54.457 --> 00:18:55.758 I tell them that they can do it. 426 00:18:55.825 --> 00:18:57.126 I don't know if they can do it. 427 00:18:57.193 --> 00:19:00.730 I keep telling them that they can do it, okay? 428 00:19:00.796 --> 00:19:02.031 And in real life, 429 00:19:02.098 --> 00:19:05.134 I gave a street performer money to stop. 430 00:19:08.204 --> 00:19:10.806 I was online, 431 00:19:10.940 --> 00:19:12.608 and I saw this guy 432 00:19:12.675 --> 00:19:15.244 making fun of this kid for being too skinny 433 00:19:15.311 --> 00:19:16.746 'cause he posted a workout video, 434 00:19:16.812 --> 00:19:18.948 and there was this big dude making fun of him, right? 435 00:19:18.981 --> 00:19:20.082 And so I told him, "Hey. 436 00:19:20.149 --> 00:19:21.717 "If you want to get your ass beat, 437 00:19:21.784 --> 00:19:24.053 come to this address." 438 00:19:27.523 --> 00:19:30.092 And in real life, I gave him my buddy Sean's address. 439 00:19:30.159 --> 00:19:33.362 See what I mean? Like... 440 00:19:33.429 --> 00:19:34.630 how was I supposed to know 441 00:19:34.697 --> 00:19:36.098 he was gonna bring two other people? 442 00:19:36.165 --> 00:19:38.434 That's just unfair. 443 00:19:41.666 --> 00:19:42.600 {\an7}- ’Cause I’m also relearning 444 00:19:42.600 --> 00:19:45.062 {\an7}how to be in the world, \h\h\h\h\h\h\hyou know? 445 00:19:45.062 --> 00:19:49.435 {\an7}\h\hI was awkward before, but I’m insufferable now. 446 00:19:49.435 --> 00:19:50.029 {\an7}I am. 447 00:19:50.029 --> 00:19:54.303 {\an7}\h\h\hI am almost a year out of practice from being weird. 448 00:19:56.062 --> 00:19:57.930 {\an7}Like, I go--I go-- \h\hI go on walks, 449 00:19:57.930 --> 00:20:01.963 {\an7}and I remember I left the house \h\h\h\h\hfor this walk, right? 450 00:20:01.963 --> 00:20:05.161 {\an7}And while I was on it, \hI bumped into a guy. 451 00:20:05.161 --> 00:20:06.336 {\an7}\h\h\h\hAnd we bumped into each other hard 452 00:20:06.336 --> 00:20:08.501 {\an7}’cause we both just weren’t \h\h\h\h\hpaying attention. 453 00:20:08.501 --> 00:20:10.128 {\an7}And when I--I bumped into him, 454 00:20:10.128 --> 00:20:13.161 {\an7}I immediately whipped around \h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hto apologize. 455 00:20:13.161 --> 00:20:16.468 {\an7}But when I turned around, \hhe was standing there, 456 00:20:16.468 --> 00:20:19.501 {\an7}and a... 457 00:20:19.501 --> 00:20:23.996 {\an7}a gun had fallen out \h\hof his waistband. 458 00:20:25.864 --> 00:20:29.402 {\an7}And so I--I looked at the gun, 459 00:20:29.402 --> 00:20:31.996 {\an7}and I looked at him. 460 00:20:31.996 --> 00:20:33.864 {\an7}And he looked at the gun, 461 00:20:33.864 --> 00:20:35.567 {\an7}and he looked at me. 462 00:20:35.567 --> 00:20:36.402 {\an7}And here’s the thing. 463 00:20:36.402 --> 00:20:38.864 {\an7}I was raised in the South, \h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hright? 464 00:20:38.864 --> 00:20:39.831 {\an7}So I was raised to be polite. 465 00:20:39.831 --> 00:20:43.161 {\an7}\hI was raised to, you know, make people feel comfortable, 466 00:20:43.161 --> 00:20:44.402 {\an7}be affable and everything. 467 00:20:44.402 --> 00:20:46.227 {\an7}So out of pure instinct, 468 00:20:46.227 --> 00:20:48.369 {\an7}I--I almost--I knelt down 469 00:20:48.369 --> 00:20:51.194 {\an7}to pick up this man’s gun. 470 00:20:54.468 --> 00:20:56.260 {\an7}And about halfway down, \h\h\h\h\h\hI was like, 471 00:20:56.260 --> 00:21:01.128 {\an7}"Let me not put my fingerprints \h\h\h\h\h\hon this loose gun." 472 00:21:01.336 --> 00:21:02.501 {\an7}He doesn’t even have a holster. 473 00:21:02.501 --> 00:21:04.930 {\an7}I am sure he is gonna do \h\h\h\hsomething illegal 474 00:21:04.930 --> 00:21:06.369 {\an7}with this gun. 475 00:21:06.369 --> 00:21:10.194 {\an7}And so I just stood back up, \h\h\hand then he knelt down, 476 00:21:10.194 --> 00:21:11.468 {\an7}and he picked it up. 477 00:21:11.468 --> 00:21:14.468 {\an7}And he put it back \hin his waistband, 478 00:21:14.468 --> 00:21:18.435 {\an7}and we just stared \h\hat each other. 479 00:21:18.435 --> 00:21:20.501 {\an7}And then I went-- 480 00:21:20.501 --> 00:21:23.161 {\an7}[stutters] 481 00:21:24.468 --> 00:21:27.062 {\an7}"Evening." 482 00:21:31.501 --> 00:21:34.029 {\an7}I’ve never in my life. 483 00:21:34.029 --> 00:21:36.633 {\an7}"Evening, sir." 484 00:21:40.128 --> 00:21:42.095 {\an7}\h\h\h\h\h\hI don’t know why, but I felt like if I skipped, 485 00:21:42.095 --> 00:21:44.633 {\an7}he wouldn’t shoot me, you know what I mean? 486 00:21:44.633 --> 00:21:47.303 {\an7}I’m a moving target. 487 00:21:50.468 --> 00:21:53.336 {\an7}So as I was on a walk-- 488 00:21:53.336 --> 00:21:55.534 {\an7}’cause that’s all I do now. 489 00:21:55.534 --> 00:21:57.732 {\an7}\h\hJust leave the house and walk till I get tired 490 00:21:57.732 --> 00:22:01.336 {\an7}\h\h\h\h\h\hand then come home and fall asleep and walk again. 491 00:22:01.336 --> 00:22:05.227 {\an7}I’m basically my own dog. 492 00:22:08.567 --> 00:22:10.633 {\an7}’Cause during lockdown, what else could you do? 493 00:22:10.633 --> 00:22:12.468 {\an7}That was all you could \h\h\h\h\honly go for. 494 00:22:12.468 --> 00:22:16.567 {\an7}Everything was closed, \h\h\h\h\h\h\hyou know? 495 00:22:16.567 --> 00:22:19.336 {\an7}And so I was on this walk, 496 00:22:19.336 --> 00:22:23.732 {\an7}and I actually got to see \h\h\ha public proposal. 497 00:22:24.369 --> 00:22:27.435 {\an7}And I saw this guy stand \hin front of this woman, 498 00:22:27.435 --> 00:22:30.161 {\an7}and he took a step back, \h\h\h\h\h\hand he knelt. 499 00:22:30.161 --> 00:22:32.062 {\an7}He whipped a ring out. 500 00:22:32.062 --> 00:22:33.468 {\an7}He popped it open. 501 00:22:33.468 --> 00:22:35.227 {\an7}Asked her to marry him. 502 00:22:35.227 --> 00:22:36.600 {\an7}And then she 503 00:22:36.600 --> 00:22:39.194 {\an7}hit him in the head \h\h\hwith a rock. 504 00:22:39.194 --> 00:22:41.128 {\an7}And... 505 00:22:41.128 --> 00:22:43.062 {\an7}I am not a relationship expert, 506 00:22:43.062 --> 00:22:44.369 {\an7}but that seems like a hard no. 507 00:22:44.369 --> 00:22:47.798 {\an7}\h\hThat’s a fast pass right there, you know? 508 00:22:47.798 --> 00:22:48.633 {\an7}And I don’t know them. 509 00:22:48.633 --> 00:22:50.194 {\an7}I don’t know what’s going on \h\h\hwith them or anything, 510 00:22:50.194 --> 00:22:52.732 {\an7}so I just had to insert \hsomething for myself. 511 00:22:52.732 --> 00:22:53.534 {\an7}And if I’m being honest, 512 00:22:53.534 --> 00:22:57.534 {\an7}\hlast year, a lot of people moved in together real quick. 513 00:22:57.534 --> 00:22:59.303 {\an7}\hThey were like, "Listen, it’s the end of the world. 514 00:22:59.303 --> 00:23:02.161 {\an7}"I’m not paying two rents, \h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hall right? 515 00:23:02.161 --> 00:23:03.369 {\an7}"Let’s just live together. 516 00:23:03.369 --> 00:23:07.062 {\an7}I like you enough. \h\hWe’ll survive." 517 00:23:07.062 --> 00:23:07.897 {\an7}So people partnered up 518 00:23:07.897 --> 00:23:09.161 {\an7}\h\h\hand maybe that’s what happened to them. 519 00:23:09.161 --> 00:23:12.798 {\an7}They partnered up early \h\h\hin the pandemic, 520 00:23:12.798 --> 00:23:13.699 {\an7}and every day, 521 00:23:13.699 --> 00:23:17.699 {\an7}he fell more and more \h\hin love with her. 522 00:23:17.699 --> 00:23:19.534 {\an7}And every day... 523 00:23:23.501 --> 00:23:27.303 {\an7}\h\hShe got sicker and sicker of him, 524 00:23:27.303 --> 00:23:27.864 {\an7}you know? 525 00:23:27.864 --> 00:23:31.468 {\an7}Month two: they’re sitting \h\hat the breakfast table 526 00:23:31.468 --> 00:23:32.633 {\an7}and he’s just looking at her. 527 00:23:32.633 --> 00:23:33.435 {\an7}He’s just thinking. 528 00:23:33.435 --> 00:23:34.798 {\an7}He’s not saying anything \h\h\h\hthat’s out loud. 529 00:23:34.798 --> 00:23:36.666 {\an7}He’s just thinking. 530 00:23:36.666 --> 00:23:37.798 {\an7}"Wow. 531 00:23:37.798 --> 00:23:39.534 {\an7}"The world may never \h\hbe normal again. 532 00:23:39.534 --> 00:23:41.600 {\an7}"The world may be changed \hforever as we know it, 533 00:23:41.600 --> 00:23:46.336 {\an7}"and I get to be sitting across \h\hfrom this beautiful woman. 534 00:23:46.336 --> 00:23:49.260 {\an7}"This--this amazing woman, 535 00:23:49.260 --> 00:23:53.194 {\an7}"that she even eats cute. 536 00:23:53.567 --> 00:23:55.864 {\an7}"Look at her eating her cereal. 537 00:23:55.864 --> 00:23:58.864 {\an7}"Little--little bites. 538 00:23:59.765 --> 00:24:02.227 {\an7}\hShe is--she’s just too cute, you know?" 539 00:24:02.227 --> 00:24:05.732 {\an7}\hAnd then she’s sitting across from him thinking, 540 00:24:05.732 --> 00:24:08.303 {\an7}"Is this motherfucker \h\hwatching me chew? 541 00:24:08.303 --> 00:24:11.369 {\an7}"I don’t like him looking deep \h\h\h\hin my mouth like that. 542 00:24:11.369 --> 00:24:13.227 {\an7}"That is weird as hell. 543 00:24:13.227 --> 00:24:16.897 {\an7}Make me not even want \h\hmy food anymore." 544 00:24:18.468 --> 00:24:20.864 {\an7}Month four: 545 00:24:20.864 --> 00:24:24.402 {\an7}they’re laying down watching \h\h\h\h\h\ha movie together. 546 00:24:24.402 --> 00:24:28.798 {\an7}He has both of her hands \h\h\h\h\h\hin his hands. 547 00:24:28.798 --> 00:24:30.260 {\an7}And he’s just thinking, like, 548 00:24:30.260 --> 00:24:34.260 {\an7}\h\h\h\h\h"Look at these-- look at these little hands. 549 00:24:34.534 --> 00:24:37.468 {\an7}\h\h\h"Look at these dainty little hands. 550 00:24:37.468 --> 00:24:41.501 {\an7}She has the cutest hands \h\h\h\h\hin the world." 551 00:24:41.501 --> 00:24:42.666 {\an7}And then she’s thinking, 552 00:24:42.666 --> 00:24:45.732 {\an7}"This clammy bitch. 553 00:24:46.699 --> 00:24:49.227 {\an7}\h\h\h"How did he even get his hands this wet? 554 00:24:49.227 --> 00:24:50.062 {\an7}"Did he wash his hands 555 00:24:50.062 --> 00:24:51.798 {\an7}\h\h"before he sat down and watched the movie? 556 00:24:51.798 --> 00:24:53.930 {\an7}"My hands are soaking wet \h\h\h\h\h\h\hright now. 557 00:24:53.930 --> 00:24:55.435 {\an7}"I am sopping wet. 558 00:24:55.435 --> 00:24:57.831 {\an7}"I got a cup of water in my hand right now 559 00:24:57.831 --> 00:24:59.534 {\an7}"from his weak fingers 560 00:24:59.534 --> 00:25:02.831 {\an7}rubbing up against my hands." 561 00:25:04.633 --> 00:25:07.402 {\an7}Month eight: 562 00:25:07.402 --> 00:25:09.336 {\an7}maybe they--maybe they’re \hon a walk or something. 563 00:25:09.336 --> 00:25:11.666 {\an7}Maybe they’re actually \h\h\h\hable to go out 564 00:25:11.666 --> 00:25:12.666 {\an7}and do a thing, you know? 565 00:25:12.666 --> 00:25:14.501 {\an7}\h\h\h\h\hNot much is open, but maybe they go to, like, 566 00:25:14.501 --> 00:25:16.260 {\an7}a Froyo place or something. 567 00:25:16.260 --> 00:25:18.831 {\an7}They’re eating it together, \h\h\h\h\h\hand he’s like-- 568 00:25:18.831 --> 00:25:20.930 {\an7}[whimpering] 569 00:25:20.930 --> 00:25:22.897 {\an7}"Look at her eating \hher little Froyo. 570 00:25:22.897 --> 00:25:24.369 {\an7}"You know what? \hI can’t wait. 571 00:25:24.369 --> 00:25:26.633 {\an7}Tomorrow, I’m gonna do it." \h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h- Oh, no. 572 00:25:26.633 --> 00:25:29.534 {\an7}\h\h- "I’m going to ask this beautiful woman to marry me. 573 00:25:29.534 --> 00:25:31.402 {\an7}"I’m going to get down \h\h\h\h\h\hon one knee 574 00:25:31.402 --> 00:25:33.699 {\an7}"and ask this angel to make me 575 00:25:33.699 --> 00:25:36.260 {\an7}the happiest man in the world." 576 00:25:36.260 --> 00:25:38.798 {\an7}\h\h\hAnd then she was sitting there thinking, 577 00:25:38.798 --> 00:25:41.732 {\an7}"If his head was just \h\h\ha little lower, 578 00:25:41.732 --> 00:25:44.435 {\an7}"I bet I could knock it \h\h\h\h\h\hclean off. 579 00:25:44.435 --> 00:25:47.633 {\an7}"I bet I could crack \hhis damn cerebellum 580 00:25:47.633 --> 00:25:48.831 {\an7}if he gave me the chance." 581 00:25:48.831 --> 00:25:51.567 {\an7}Cause I should mention--I don’t know if I mentioned it up top-- 582 00:25:51.567 --> 00:25:53.996 {\an7}\h\hbut when she hit him in the head with a rock, 583 00:25:53.996 --> 00:25:55.534 {\an7}she didn’t pick up the rock. 584 00:25:55.534 --> 00:25:58.930 {\an7}She just had a rock on her, \h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hokay? 585 00:25:58.930 --> 00:26:00.303 {\an7}She was just as ready 586 00:26:00.303 --> 00:26:01.831 {\an7}to hit him in the head \h\h\h\h\h\hwith a rock 587 00:26:01.831 --> 00:26:04.765 {\an7}as he was to propose. 588 00:26:04.765 --> 00:26:05.831 {\an7}Both just walking all day 589 00:26:05.831 --> 00:26:07.699 {\an7}\h\h\h\h\hwith a rock in their back pocket, 590 00:26:07.699 --> 00:26:10.765 {\an7}and hers was just bigger. 591 00:26:13.468 --> 00:26:14.369 {\an7}’Cause I should point out 592 00:26:14.369 --> 00:26:17.501 {\an7}\hI wasn’t the only one who saw this, you know? 593 00:26:17.501 --> 00:26:21.303 {\an7}Like, with any public proposal, \h\h\ha crowd gathered around. 594 00:26:21.303 --> 00:26:23.798 {\an7}\hPeople were aww-ing. People started to clap. 595 00:26:23.798 --> 00:26:24.996 {\an7}This proposal got claps. 596 00:26:24.996 --> 00:26:27.732 {\an7}But it only got two claps 597 00:26:27.732 --> 00:26:28.732 {\an7}’cause people saw him kneel. 598 00:26:28.732 --> 00:26:31.029 {\an7}And they even started--they’re \h\h\hlike, "That is so beau-- 599 00:26:31.029 --> 00:26:34.633 {\an7}We should mind our business. \h\h\h\h\h\h\hLet’s just go." 600 00:26:40.454 --> 00:26:41.355 - When I was trying to take a break from my phone, 601 00:26:41.422 --> 00:26:42.590 you know what I really missed? 602 00:26:42.656 --> 00:26:44.759 My phone. 603 00:26:44.825 --> 00:26:47.261 I did. It was like--it hurt. 604 00:26:47.328 --> 00:26:48.496 It--it was weird. 605 00:26:48.562 --> 00:26:51.866 It's hard to even explain, you know? 606 00:26:51.932 --> 00:26:55.669 And it's when-- it's when it occurred to me 607 00:26:55.736 --> 00:26:59.039 that no one will ever love anyone 608 00:26:59.106 --> 00:27:01.675 as much as you love your phone. 609 00:27:01.742 --> 00:27:04.879 I know it sounds sad to say, but it's true. 610 00:27:04.945 --> 00:27:06.914 It is. 611 00:27:06.981 --> 00:27:08.215 You know? 612 00:27:08.282 --> 00:27:09.817 I've had conversations with people, 613 00:27:09.884 --> 00:27:12.620 deep, long conversations where I was like, 614 00:27:12.686 --> 00:27:14.288 "Wow, right now in this moment, 615 00:27:14.355 --> 00:27:16.023 "I think I'm making a friend for life. 616 00:27:16.090 --> 00:27:17.425 "I've opened up to this person 617 00:27:17.491 --> 00:27:19.260 more than I've opened up to anyone in years." 618 00:27:19.326 --> 00:27:21.929 And eventually, they do just pull out their phone and start, 619 00:27:21.996 --> 00:27:23.497 like, checking something. 620 00:27:23.564 --> 00:27:25.499 And that's supposed to be rude, but it's not rude. 621 00:27:25.566 --> 00:27:28.869 The phone is better. 622 00:27:28.936 --> 00:27:30.171 It is. 623 00:27:30.237 --> 00:27:31.539 You can do anything you want on the phone, 624 00:27:31.605 --> 00:27:34.341 and I'm just yapping about my parents' divorce. 625 00:27:34.408 --> 00:27:35.943 They pull out the phone like, 626 00:27:36.010 --> 00:27:38.179 "This is way better than what was happening two seconds ago. 627 00:27:38.245 --> 00:27:39.613 "Oh, my God. 628 00:27:39.680 --> 00:27:41.949 Oh, he's still going. He is a mess." 629 00:27:45.252 --> 00:27:47.021 You know? 630 00:27:49.724 --> 00:27:52.393 I drop my phone sometimes. 631 00:27:52.460 --> 00:27:54.829 I don't know if anyone else here does. 632 00:27:54.962 --> 00:27:56.697 But think about the noises you make 633 00:27:56.764 --> 00:27:58.966 when you almost drop your phone. 634 00:28:00.634 --> 00:28:03.170 The true heartbreaking noises that you make. 635 00:28:03.237 --> 00:28:04.805 It hadn't even hit the ground yet and you're like-- 636 00:28:04.872 --> 00:28:07.775 [shrieking] 637 00:28:09.076 --> 00:28:11.011 That was just it slipping through one finger. 638 00:28:11.078 --> 00:28:13.013 It's still--it's still in your hand, but you-- 639 00:28:13.080 --> 00:28:16.150 [shrieking] 640 00:28:16.217 --> 00:28:17.351 And you mean it. 641 00:28:17.418 --> 00:28:19.186 It's coming from deep in here. 642 00:28:19.253 --> 00:28:20.688 It's coming from the heart. 643 00:28:20.755 --> 00:28:22.390 You couldn't mean it more. 644 00:28:22.456 --> 00:28:26.260 It's biological in you to make that noise 645 00:28:26.327 --> 00:28:28.729 when you're dropping your baby. 646 00:28:31.732 --> 00:28:34.335 Now think of the noises we make 647 00:28:34.402 --> 00:28:37.204 when we see actual car accidents. 648 00:28:37.271 --> 00:28:40.074 "Ooh, that's messed up. I hope everybody okay. 649 00:28:40.141 --> 00:28:41.375 That looks terrible." 650 00:28:41.442 --> 00:28:43.778 You see how those should be reversed? 651 00:28:45.179 --> 00:28:46.447 'Cause truly, I drop my phone, 652 00:28:46.514 --> 00:28:49.817 and I go through all five stages of grief. 653 00:28:49.950 --> 00:28:51.218 I really do. 654 00:28:51.285 --> 00:28:52.787 You know? 655 00:28:52.853 --> 00:28:53.954 I drop it. 656 00:28:53.988 --> 00:28:55.489 It hits the ground. 657 00:28:55.556 --> 00:28:57.491 Denial. [scoffs] 658 00:28:57.558 --> 00:28:59.293 "That's--that's--that's-- that's not a crack. 659 00:28:59.360 --> 00:29:00.628 "That's just a hair, all right? 660 00:29:00.694 --> 00:29:02.530 "That's just a hair, and as soon as I wipe it, 661 00:29:02.596 --> 00:29:04.665 "I'm gonna be gucci, okay? My phone is fine. 662 00:29:04.732 --> 00:29:06.734 "I did not just mess up my phone just now. 663 00:29:06.801 --> 00:29:09.003 I'm good. I'm good." 664 00:29:09.070 --> 00:29:10.204 Anger. "Fuck! 665 00:29:10.271 --> 00:29:12.740 "I can't believe 666 00:29:12.807 --> 00:29:15.209 "I just dropped this phone 667 00:29:15.276 --> 00:29:17.378 "right outside the Apple store. 668 00:29:17.445 --> 00:29:19.980 "I am standing-- I bought it six seconds ago. 669 00:29:20.047 --> 00:29:22.883 "Cashier is still looking at me in the face. 670 00:29:22.983 --> 00:29:25.853 "He waving at me, and I dropped this phone 671 00:29:25.986 --> 00:29:28.989 through these brittle fingers." 672 00:29:28.989 --> 00:29:30.891 Bargaining. "That's just the case. 673 00:29:30.991 --> 00:29:32.760 "That's the ca-- that's the case whole job 674 00:29:32.827 --> 00:29:34.995 "is to be like the Secret Service of the phone 675 00:29:34.995 --> 00:29:36.597 "and take the hits for the phone. 676 00:29:36.664 --> 00:29:38.232 "So that's where it's just like a little soldier. 677 00:29:38.299 --> 00:29:39.667 "It took that hit. It cracked. 678 00:29:39.734 --> 00:29:41.235 My phone is fine though." 679 00:29:41.302 --> 00:29:42.636 Depression. "My ex was right. 680 00:29:42.703 --> 00:29:45.039 "I don't handle responsibility well at all 681 00:29:45.106 --> 00:29:46.607 "and that's why she left. 682 00:29:46.674 --> 00:29:49.076 And honestly, I think she made the right move." 683 00:29:50.945 --> 00:29:52.146 Acceptance. "You know what? 684 00:29:52.213 --> 00:29:55.616 "I just don't deserve nice things, okay? 685 00:29:55.683 --> 00:29:56.984 "I don't know where I get off getting it. 686 00:29:57.051 --> 00:29:59.854 I should've got a Nokia like I deserve." 687 00:30:01.756 --> 00:30:03.958 I've been visiting more people now, 688 00:30:03.958 --> 00:30:05.726 now that things are opening up and stuff. 689 00:30:05.793 --> 00:30:08.396 And I went to visit 690 00:30:08.462 --> 00:30:10.498 one of my friends who I haven't seen 691 00:30:10.564 --> 00:30:13.868 since before any of the pandemic, you know? 692 00:30:13.968 --> 00:30:15.536 I haven't seen him in a whole year, 693 00:30:15.603 --> 00:30:17.605 and he lives with his mom, 694 00:30:17.671 --> 00:30:20.508 his dad, his grandma, 695 00:30:20.574 --> 00:30:22.009 and his cousin. 696 00:30:22.076 --> 00:30:23.511 And it was so good to see all of them, 697 00:30:23.577 --> 00:30:24.979 hang out a little bit, 698 00:30:24.979 --> 00:30:28.115 catch up and stuff, but while I was there... 699 00:30:30.117 --> 00:30:32.386 I-- 700 00:30:32.453 --> 00:30:34.455 not sure how to-- 701 00:30:34.522 --> 00:30:35.589 while I was--basically, 702 00:30:35.656 --> 00:30:36.991 my boy's grandma got a crush on me, 703 00:30:37.058 --> 00:30:39.794 and I don't know what to do about it. 704 00:30:39.927 --> 00:30:41.162 And I heard a couple "awws." 705 00:30:41.228 --> 00:30:43.497 This is not a Hallmark crush, all right? 706 00:30:43.564 --> 00:30:45.266 This woman has carnal intentions 707 00:30:45.332 --> 00:30:47.601 towards my body, okay? 708 00:30:47.668 --> 00:30:50.504 She's not messing around. 709 00:30:50.571 --> 00:30:52.073 Okay? 710 00:30:52.139 --> 00:30:54.708 I was--I was--I was hanging out there, and first of all, 711 00:30:54.775 --> 00:30:56.844 she wait till everybody leave the room to hit on me. 712 00:30:56.944 --> 00:30:59.146 That's how you know she a predator, okay? 713 00:30:59.213 --> 00:31:01.482 She wait till she can make it he said, she said, right? 714 00:31:01.549 --> 00:31:03.951 So then everybody left the room for a different reason, 715 00:31:04.018 --> 00:31:07.088 and she got right up on me, just in my face all over me. 716 00:31:07.154 --> 00:31:08.823 And I tried to let her down easy. 717 00:31:08.956 --> 00:31:12.193 I try and make it scientific about the pandemic, you know? 718 00:31:13.694 --> 00:31:15.696 I was like, "Ma'am, ma'am, 719 00:31:15.763 --> 00:31:18.632 "we should social distance... 720 00:31:20.968 --> 00:31:23.437 "because, you know, right now, I'm not vaccinated. 721 00:31:23.504 --> 00:31:25.840 "You're not vaccinated, okay? 722 00:31:25.973 --> 00:31:27.508 "And you're in a high-risk demographic. 723 00:31:27.575 --> 00:31:30.211 I would hate for something to happen to you, all right?" 724 00:31:30.277 --> 00:31:31.712 That's what I said. 725 00:31:31.779 --> 00:31:34.882 And then she went... 726 00:31:34.982 --> 00:31:36.484 [laughs] "Oh, sweetie. 727 00:31:36.550 --> 00:31:38.252 I'm high risk and high reward." 728 00:31:38.319 --> 00:31:40.321 I was like-- 729 00:31:40.388 --> 00:31:43.290 [cheers and applause] 730 00:31:50.331 --> 00:31:52.633 So I just stuck to my buddy like glue. 731 00:31:52.700 --> 00:31:55.002 Anywhere he went is where I went in the house. 732 00:31:55.069 --> 00:31:57.104 Just--I was--I was right behind him everywhere he went. 733 00:31:57.171 --> 00:31:58.806 I just didn't want to be left alone with her again 734 00:31:58.939 --> 00:32:02.843 'cause that mean she's aggressive, okay? 735 00:32:02.943 --> 00:32:04.945 And I'm not gonna lie. 736 00:32:04.979 --> 00:32:07.548 She old, but I think she faking it 737 00:32:07.615 --> 00:32:09.016 'cause she's old, but she's fast. 738 00:32:09.083 --> 00:32:10.718 'Cause if we would leave the room, 739 00:32:10.785 --> 00:32:12.253 and she wouldn't be in the room with us at all, 740 00:32:12.319 --> 00:32:14.989 and I would turn around, she'd just be right behind me. 741 00:32:15.056 --> 00:32:18.225 Like, are you running? How are you doing this? 742 00:32:18.292 --> 00:32:21.829 But she was behind me, and she pinched my butt. 743 00:32:21.962 --> 00:32:24.598 And pitching butts is that old lady sexual harassment 744 00:32:24.665 --> 00:32:26.801 that nobody cares about, you know? 745 00:32:26.867 --> 00:32:30.671 Even if I tell people like, "She got me, all right?" 746 00:32:30.738 --> 00:32:33.340 They're like, "Well... [scoffs] 747 00:32:33.407 --> 00:32:34.608 "She's 85. 748 00:32:34.675 --> 00:32:36.977 "You should've been faster, okay? 749 00:32:36.977 --> 00:32:39.080 Honestly, just move." 750 00:32:40.347 --> 00:32:41.749 But she did. 751 00:32:41.816 --> 00:32:43.651 She pinched my butt and then whispered in my ear, 752 00:32:43.717 --> 00:32:45.686 "You firm like my mattress." 753 00:32:45.753 --> 00:32:49.523 It's like, "Oh, my God. 754 00:32:49.590 --> 00:32:53.260 "Oh, my God. 755 00:32:53.327 --> 00:32:56.130 I am going to leave." 756 00:32:56.197 --> 00:32:59.734 And so I left, and I don't know how, but she got my number. 757 00:33:01.702 --> 00:33:03.003 I think she got it out of my buddy's phone 758 00:33:03.070 --> 00:33:04.705 when he wasn't paying attention. 759 00:33:04.772 --> 00:33:06.340 And she has been sending me 760 00:33:06.407 --> 00:33:09.944 nonstop thirst traps, okay? 761 00:33:09.977 --> 00:33:11.312 But they're granny thirst traps 762 00:33:11.378 --> 00:33:13.380 so it's just pictures of food that she cook. 763 00:33:13.447 --> 00:33:16.117 But still--still, 764 00:33:16.183 --> 00:33:18.819 there is innuendo involved, you know? 765 00:33:18.953 --> 00:33:21.722 She sent me a picture of a cobbler 766 00:33:21.789 --> 00:33:23.491 and then text me under it, 767 00:33:23.557 --> 00:33:26.727 "I could break you off some if you want to come on through." 768 00:33:26.794 --> 00:33:28.796 I was like, 769 00:33:28.863 --> 00:33:32.299 "I am going to throw my phone in the river. 770 00:33:32.366 --> 00:33:36.170 I hate this way more than I love my phone." 771 00:33:39.886 --> 00:33:41.721 {\an7}- I just want people \h\h\h\hto be happy. 772 00:33:41.721 --> 00:33:45.985 {\an7}\hI feel like we can be happy if we get out of our own way. 773 00:33:45.985 --> 00:33:48.622 {\an7}Like I--I--I have friends 774 00:33:48.622 --> 00:33:50.513 {\an7}who are dating, 775 00:33:50.513 --> 00:33:53.853 {\an7}\h\h\h\htrying to date in New York and stuff. 776 00:33:53.853 --> 00:33:54.985 {\an7}\hAnd especially my female friends 777 00:33:54.985 --> 00:33:57.820 {\an7}\h\h\hwill talk to me about their troubles 778 00:33:57.820 --> 00:34:00.084 {\an7}trying to date in, like, \h\ha metropolitan city-- 779 00:34:00.084 --> 00:34:03.655 {\an7}\htrying to date in the age of the apps and everything. 780 00:34:03.655 --> 00:34:07.556 {\an7}\h\hAnd I even had one friend, she came to me with this list. 781 00:34:07.556 --> 00:34:09.150 {\an7}And it was the list \h\h\hof everything 782 00:34:09.150 --> 00:34:12.249 {\an7}\h\hthat she wanted in a guy, you know? 783 00:34:12.249 --> 00:34:16.556 {\an7}\hAnd I told her honestly ’cause I care about her, 784 00:34:16.556 --> 00:34:18.249 {\an7}"I need you to take that list 785 00:34:18.249 --> 00:34:21.150 {\an7}"and throw it in the trash, \h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hall right? 786 00:34:21.150 --> 00:34:23.721 {\an7}"Burn it if you have to \hif that will help you 787 00:34:23.721 --> 00:34:26.117 {\an7}forget the memory." 788 00:34:26.315 --> 00:34:29.084 {\an7}\hI’ll tell you right now, there’s only three things. 789 00:34:29.084 --> 00:34:32.919 {\an7}There’s only three attributes \h\h\hthat you could hope for 790 00:34:32.919 --> 00:34:36.216 {\an7}\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hin a guy that you’re gonna make a partner. 791 00:34:36.216 --> 00:34:39.183 {\an7}There’s only three. 792 00:34:39.183 --> 00:34:43.348 {\an7}You need to pick two, okay? 793 00:34:44.051 --> 00:34:47.754 {\an7}You need to pick two \h\h\hof those three, 794 00:34:47.754 --> 00:34:50.952 {\an7}whichever two you can live with 795 00:34:50.952 --> 00:34:53.622 {\an7}and move on ’cause you’re not gonna get all three. 796 00:34:53.622 --> 00:34:57.721 {\an7}\h\h\h\hI hate it for you, but it’s not gonna happen. 797 00:34:58.919 --> 00:35:02.051 {\an7}I’ll go over ’em right now. 798 00:35:02.051 --> 00:35:05.051 {\an7}There’s good dick, 799 00:35:05.051 --> 00:35:07.282 {\an7}good person, 800 00:35:07.282 --> 00:35:08.688 {\an7}got his shit together. 801 00:35:08.688 --> 00:35:12.589 {\an7}\hYou need to pick two of those three. 802 00:35:18.018 --> 00:35:21.150 {\an7}Whichever two work for you 803 00:35:21.150 --> 00:35:23.886 {\an7}and move on. 804 00:35:23.886 --> 00:35:26.886 {\an7}And if he has one, leave. 805 00:35:26.886 --> 00:35:30.150 {\an7}Don’t let a one ruin your life. 806 00:35:31.589 --> 00:35:34.315 {\an7}Just one! \h\h\hMm. 807 00:35:35.018 --> 00:35:36.183 {\an7}I honestly--I have friends 808 00:35:36.183 --> 00:35:37.249 {\an7}\hcomplain to me about their ones, 809 00:35:37.249 --> 00:35:39.787 {\an7}and I’m falling asleep listening to the story 810 00:35:39.787 --> 00:35:40.589 {\an7}’cause it’s just boring. 811 00:35:40.589 --> 00:35:42.721 {\an7}It’s like, "Well, you told me \hyou had one to begin with, 812 00:35:42.721 --> 00:35:46.853 {\an7}so what are we really \h\h\htalking about?" 813 00:35:47.084 --> 00:35:50.282 {\an7}If he’s just a good person, 814 00:35:50.282 --> 00:35:52.952 {\an7}doesn’t have good dick, 815 00:35:52.952 --> 00:35:55.216 {\an7}doesn’t have his shit together, 816 00:35:55.216 --> 00:35:58.150 {\an7}just a good person? 817 00:36:04.150 --> 00:36:05.820 {\an7}That’s a friend. 818 00:36:05.820 --> 00:36:08.721 {\an7}Like, that’s... 819 00:36:14.919 --> 00:36:16.985 {\an7}\h\h\h\h\h\hY’all can hang out on the weekends, go to museums. 820 00:36:16.985 --> 00:36:20.919 {\an7}I don’t know why you trying \hto force more, you know? 821 00:36:20.919 --> 00:36:23.853 {\an7}If he’s just good dick, 822 00:36:23.853 --> 00:36:26.315 {\an7}just good dick, 823 00:36:26.315 --> 00:36:27.414 {\an7}not a good person, 824 00:36:27.414 --> 00:36:30.117 {\an7}doesn’t have his shit together, 825 00:36:30.117 --> 00:36:31.985 {\an7}just good dick? 826 00:36:31.985 --> 00:36:33.721 {\an7}That’s literally a dildo. 827 00:36:33.721 --> 00:36:37.919 {\an7}That’s what a dildo is for. 828 00:36:38.414 --> 00:36:39.381 {\an7}Why are you stressed over him? 829 00:36:39.381 --> 00:36:43.853 {\an7}Make a mold of his dick in his sleep and leave! 830 00:36:45.183 --> 00:36:47.820 {\an7}Nobody puts their vibrator \hback in the drawer, like, 831 00:36:47.820 --> 00:36:49.084 {\an7}"He forgot my birthday." 832 00:36:49.084 --> 00:36:51.414 {\an7}Like, that’s... 833 00:36:52.018 --> 00:36:54.117 {\an7}It’s not gonna happen \h\h\hif you treat it 834 00:36:54.117 --> 00:36:57.117 {\an7}like what it’s for. 835 00:36:57.919 --> 00:37:00.853 {\an7}\h\h’Cause you’re not gonna get all three. 836 00:37:00.853 --> 00:37:01.952 {\an7}And I hate it for you. 837 00:37:01.952 --> 00:37:05.754 {\an7}I really do. \hSincerely. 838 00:37:06.084 --> 00:37:08.853 {\an7}\h\h\h\h\hAnd every time I have this conversation 839 00:37:08.853 --> 00:37:10.754 {\an7}with--with my friends, 840 00:37:10.754 --> 00:37:12.249 {\an7}sometimes they--they get upset. 841 00:37:12.249 --> 00:37:14.787 {\an7}\h\h\h\h\h\hNot every time. Sometimes they do get upset 842 00:37:14.787 --> 00:37:18.216 {\an7}and they’re like, "No. 843 00:37:21.447 --> 00:37:23.348 {\an7}"No, he has all three. 844 00:37:23.348 --> 00:37:25.150 {\an7}"No. 845 00:37:25.150 --> 00:37:26.447 {\an7}"No, he has all three. 846 00:37:26.447 --> 00:37:28.754 {\an7}"I know it. 847 00:37:28.754 --> 00:37:29.414 {\an7}"I feel it. 848 00:37:29.414 --> 00:37:31.919 {\an7}\h\h"I feel it here and here and here. 849 00:37:31.919 --> 00:37:33.886 {\an7}"No. 850 00:37:33.886 --> 00:37:36.150 {\an7}He has all three." 851 00:37:36.150 --> 00:37:38.051 {\an7}If you really think \hhe has all three, 852 00:37:38.051 --> 00:37:39.820 {\an7}he’s going to kill you, \h\h\h\h\h\hall right? 853 00:37:39.820 --> 00:37:44.216 {\an7}\h\h\h\hThat is a murderer putting on a facade, okay? 854 00:37:44.919 --> 00:37:47.249 {\an7}I’m sure all 33 women \h\hthought Ted Bundy 855 00:37:47.249 --> 00:37:50.117 {\an7}had all three, you know? 856 00:37:50.117 --> 00:37:51.853 {\an7}Like, "No, Ted is just nice. 857 00:37:51.853 --> 00:37:53.853 {\an7}"You know, it’s just nice to meet a guy that, like, 858 00:37:53.853 --> 00:37:56.381 {\an7}\h\h"has his shit together, is a lawyer and everything, 859 00:37:56.381 --> 00:37:58.084 {\an7}"and, like, knows how to-- \h\h\h\h\h\h\hknows his way 860 00:37:58.084 --> 00:37:59.414 {\an7}"around the bedroom, knows how to listen. 861 00:37:59.414 --> 00:38:01.315 {\an7}"Why are you looking at me \h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hlike that? 862 00:38:01.315 --> 00:38:01.919 {\an7}[yelps]" 863 00:38:01.919 --> 00:38:05.556 {\an7}\hLike, that’s how it went every time. 864 00:38:07.853 --> 00:38:10.952 {\an7}You know what--you wanna \h\hknow what bothers me? 865 00:38:10.952 --> 00:38:13.051 {\an7}What really upsets me? 866 00:38:13.051 --> 00:38:16.381 {\an7}What even scares me \h\h\ha little bit? 867 00:38:16.381 --> 00:38:20.084 {\an7}I don’t know which two I am. 868 00:38:25.249 --> 00:38:26.820 {\an7}\h’Cause I don’t get to decide, you know? 869 00:38:26.820 --> 00:38:30.018 {\an7}That’s another person’s \h\hdecision about me. 870 00:38:30.018 --> 00:38:31.886 {\an7}I’m scared I’m going \h\hto be laying back 871 00:38:31.886 --> 00:38:33.513 {\an7}\h\h\h\h\hwith my girl years from now, right? 872 00:38:33.513 --> 00:38:34.589 {\an7}\hYears from now just laying back. 873 00:38:34.589 --> 00:38:38.051 {\an7}We’re talking about this, and I lean over to her, and I’m like, 874 00:38:38.051 --> 00:38:42.414 {\an7}\h\h\h\h"I’m--I’m good dick and a good person, right?" 875 00:38:48.084 --> 00:38:52.556 {\an7}And she’s like, "You have a great job, all right?" 876 00:38:53.886 --> 00:38:57.414 {\an7}[cheers and applause] 877 00:39:03.344 --> 00:39:04.946 - Last year was tough because 878 00:39:05.013 --> 00:39:08.116 I also lost people, you know? 879 00:39:08.183 --> 00:39:11.052 We all did to a certain degree. 880 00:39:11.119 --> 00:39:14.189 We lost people, and some of the people that I've lost, 881 00:39:14.255 --> 00:39:16.324 like, I--I had a friend who passed away. 882 00:39:16.391 --> 00:39:19.160 And he passed away 883 00:39:19.227 --> 00:39:21.863 during the height of infection, so we couldn't gather, 884 00:39:21.930 --> 00:39:24.466 we couldn't go all be together 885 00:39:24.532 --> 00:39:27.569 and mourn him properly. 886 00:39:27.635 --> 00:39:31.806 And so we, uh... 887 00:39:31.873 --> 00:39:34.843 we had to have a Zoom funeral. 888 00:39:37.545 --> 00:39:41.282 I don't know if you've been to a Zoom meeting, 889 00:39:41.349 --> 00:39:43.752 but this had all the awkwardness 890 00:39:43.818 --> 00:39:44.986 of a Zoom meeting 891 00:39:45.053 --> 00:39:46.688 but added as a funeral. 892 00:39:46.755 --> 00:39:48.590 It was terrible. 893 00:39:48.656 --> 00:39:52.494 'Cause at least at a funeral, at a real funeral, right? 894 00:39:52.560 --> 00:39:54.262 We're all facing the body. 895 00:39:54.329 --> 00:39:56.965 We're all collectively facing the same direction, 896 00:39:57.031 --> 00:39:58.433 looking at the body. 897 00:39:58.500 --> 00:40:02.370 And on Zoom, we are all facing each other. 898 00:40:04.672 --> 00:40:05.974 And I'm not going to lie. 899 00:40:06.040 --> 00:40:08.576 Not everybody looks upset enough for me, okay? 900 00:40:08.643 --> 00:40:10.078 There's some people whose screens are blue. 901 00:40:10.145 --> 00:40:11.579 I'm like, "You playing 'Cyberpunk.' 902 00:40:11.646 --> 00:40:12.847 "I could already tell. 903 00:40:12.914 --> 00:40:14.282 Why are you blue, and nobody else is blue?" 904 00:40:14.282 --> 00:40:16.117 There was one dude that was just eating chips, 905 00:40:16.184 --> 00:40:18.853 like, how are you gonna let him eat the chips? 906 00:40:18.920 --> 00:40:20.388 He just eating chips and they'd take it off 907 00:40:20.455 --> 00:40:22.390 'cause he's making noise eating the chips 908 00:40:22.457 --> 00:40:23.758 completely unmuted. 909 00:40:23.825 --> 00:40:25.026 It's just preacher, Pringles, 910 00:40:25.093 --> 00:40:27.328 preacher, Pringles, preacher, Pringles. 911 00:40:28.997 --> 00:40:31.966 I know you at your house, but this is a funeral. 912 00:40:33.168 --> 00:40:34.969 No, it was horrible. 913 00:40:35.036 --> 00:40:38.339 People didn't know they weren't muted. 914 00:40:38.406 --> 00:40:39.541 There was one dude that was like, 915 00:40:39.607 --> 00:40:41.109 "It's a funeral. 916 00:40:41.176 --> 00:40:43.678 "No, it's a funeral. 917 00:40:43.745 --> 00:40:45.647 "Willy died. 918 00:40:45.714 --> 00:40:46.981 "I told you Willy died. 919 00:40:47.048 --> 00:40:48.316 "Look, he on the screen right here. 920 00:40:48.316 --> 00:40:50.418 "Come look. Come look. 921 00:40:50.485 --> 00:40:51.753 "They got him all messed up though. 922 00:40:51.820 --> 00:40:53.154 "They messed up that last haircut. 923 00:40:53.221 --> 00:40:54.622 "I wouldn't let 'em bury me like that. 924 00:40:54.689 --> 00:40:55.724 "That's terrible. Oh, my God. 925 00:40:55.790 --> 00:40:57.325 I'm not muted. I'm not muted!" 926 00:40:59.894 --> 00:41:01.629 Preacher got on there. 927 00:41:01.696 --> 00:41:04.632 And here's the thing; there was at least one family member 928 00:41:04.699 --> 00:41:07.168 that was allowed to be at the funeral home with the preacher 929 00:41:07.268 --> 00:41:08.269 with the body and everything, 930 00:41:08.269 --> 00:41:10.538 and they said that he preached 931 00:41:10.605 --> 00:41:13.341 a--a really uplifting sermon, you know? 932 00:41:13.408 --> 00:41:15.410 Especially if you, you know, grew up Christian or something. 933 00:41:15.477 --> 00:41:16.745 He used all the-- 934 00:41:16.811 --> 00:41:18.446 all the things we've all heard before, you know? 935 00:41:18.513 --> 00:41:22.083 Got up there, acted like it was a full church house, 936 00:41:22.150 --> 00:41:24.786 even though it was just a webcam and one person. 937 00:41:24.853 --> 00:41:26.321 And he was like, 938 00:41:26.388 --> 00:41:30.291 "See, see, see, see, see, Willy, Willy, 939 00:41:30.291 --> 00:41:31.893 "Willy may be dead. We already know that. 940 00:41:31.960 --> 00:41:34.129 "We know Willy dead, okay? 941 00:41:34.195 --> 00:41:35.697 "But his body is dead. 942 00:41:35.764 --> 00:41:39.200 "His soul! His soul! 943 00:41:39.300 --> 00:41:42.103 "His soul is up there with the Redeemer, all right? 944 00:41:42.170 --> 00:41:45.306 "His soul is with the one that ascended, all right? 945 00:41:45.373 --> 00:41:48.076 "It's with the one that ascended! 946 00:41:48.143 --> 00:41:50.512 "Willy out there doing-- doing moonwalking with Jesus 947 00:41:50.578 --> 00:41:51.946 "right now. 948 00:41:52.013 --> 00:41:53.615 "Don't mourn for Willy, all right? 949 00:41:53.681 --> 00:41:56.418 "Willy having a good time up in the clouds. 950 00:41:57.419 --> 00:41:59.888 "No pain, no suffering, okay? 951 00:41:59.954 --> 00:42:01.356 "Willy in a better place now. 952 00:42:01.423 --> 00:42:03.691 "Willy may be dead, all right? 953 00:42:03.758 --> 00:42:06.661 But he is not gone, all right?" 954 00:42:07.662 --> 00:42:09.564 Sure. 955 00:42:11.032 --> 00:42:12.333 [sighs] 956 00:42:12.400 --> 00:42:15.437 But his connection had a lag. 957 00:42:18.907 --> 00:42:23.978 So all we heard on our end was, 958 00:42:24.045 --> 00:42:25.980 "Willy. 959 00:42:28.650 --> 00:42:30.452 "Ass. 960 00:42:33.922 --> 00:42:36.157 "Dead. 961 00:42:38.760 --> 00:42:41.129 Gone." 962 00:42:44.699 --> 00:42:46.034 I'm like, "That--that about sums it up, 963 00:42:46.101 --> 00:42:48.536 but that's pretty rude." 964 00:42:53.308 --> 00:42:55.076 It's really good. 965 00:42:55.143 --> 00:42:57.178 It's for the best 966 00:42:57.312 --> 00:42:58.847 that I'm gonna die. 967 00:42:58.913 --> 00:43:00.482 Not now. 968 00:43:00.548 --> 00:43:02.417 I wanna live a long life and everything and all that stuff. 969 00:43:02.484 --> 00:43:05.553 But still, like, eventually, mm-- 970 00:43:05.620 --> 00:43:07.655 we're done. 971 00:43:07.722 --> 00:43:09.491 And I say that because here's the thing. 972 00:43:09.557 --> 00:43:12.160 I--I feel--I feel at least-- I don't know. 973 00:43:12.260 --> 00:43:14.496 But I think that I'm a good person, 974 00:43:14.562 --> 00:43:17.766 and I do the best to make the world as good of a place 975 00:43:17.832 --> 00:43:20.301 as I can for the people that I meet, you know? 976 00:43:20.368 --> 00:43:22.270 If I hurt someone, I try to fix it. 977 00:43:22.337 --> 00:43:24.172 And if someone is hurt already, 978 00:43:24.272 --> 00:43:26.007 I try and make them feel better, you know? 979 00:43:26.074 --> 00:43:27.642 I just want to help. 980 00:43:27.709 --> 00:43:31.279 And I think--I think I'm as progressive as you could get. 981 00:43:31.312 --> 00:43:33.915 I don't know, maybe. 982 00:43:33.982 --> 00:43:36.384 But give me 80 years. 983 00:43:36.451 --> 00:43:39.954 I'm sure I'll hit a wall somewhere. 984 00:43:40.021 --> 00:43:42.057 It happens to everybody. 985 00:43:42.123 --> 00:43:43.291 Everybody hits a wall. 986 00:43:43.324 --> 00:43:44.993 They act like there's this huge, like, 987 00:43:45.060 --> 00:43:46.995 there--there-- there's this huge battle 988 00:43:47.062 --> 00:43:50.031 between the generations, and there's not. 989 00:43:50.098 --> 00:43:52.700 It's just medicine got too good. 990 00:43:54.135 --> 00:43:55.904 So people that were nice and then should have died 991 00:43:55.970 --> 00:43:59.541 are still alive and very upset, saying terrible things. 992 00:44:02.143 --> 00:44:03.478 And I'm not better than anybody. 993 00:44:03.545 --> 00:44:06.481 I could be one of them, you know? 994 00:44:06.548 --> 00:44:07.882 I know people 995 00:44:07.949 --> 00:44:10.251 who marched in the Civil Rights Movement, right? 996 00:44:10.318 --> 00:44:12.153 For equality. 997 00:44:12.253 --> 00:44:14.422 Just be able to have what someone else has 998 00:44:14.489 --> 00:44:17.158 by virtue of being a person, you know? 999 00:44:17.258 --> 00:44:19.527 And they got dogs sicced on 'em, 1000 00:44:19.594 --> 00:44:22.397 and they got the shit beat out of them, okay? 1001 00:44:22.464 --> 00:44:24.265 And even with some of them-- just some-- 1002 00:44:24.265 --> 00:44:26.267 but even with some of them, 1003 00:44:26.267 --> 00:44:27.669 if you bring up marriage equality, 1004 00:44:27.736 --> 00:44:30.605 they're like, "Let's not get crazy." 1005 00:44:30.672 --> 00:44:33.341 Let's not get crazy? 1006 00:44:33.408 --> 00:44:34.943 What were you--what were you 1007 00:44:35.009 --> 00:44:38.113 doing it for then, you know? 1008 00:44:38.179 --> 00:44:40.315 The '60s, you're over there holding hands, 1009 00:44:40.382 --> 00:44:41.616 holding the lines, 1010 00:44:41.683 --> 00:44:43.551 sitting in, singing, "We Shall Overcome." 1011 00:44:43.618 --> 00:44:45.420 Who would have thought your grandson 1012 00:44:45.487 --> 00:44:48.757 would have to overcome you, you know? 1013 00:44:48.823 --> 00:44:50.892 What? 1014 00:44:50.959 --> 00:44:53.728 Tell me I'm wrong. 1015 00:44:53.795 --> 00:44:55.063 It's true. 1016 00:44:55.130 --> 00:44:57.165 And I want to find out what my line is. 1017 00:44:57.298 --> 00:45:00.001 I'd like to just be that dude that was nice to everybody, 1018 00:45:00.068 --> 00:45:02.337 and then he died. 1019 00:45:02.404 --> 00:45:04.539 Sounds like a pretty good life. 1020 00:45:04.606 --> 00:45:06.307 'Cause I'm a super progressive guy now, 1021 00:45:06.374 --> 00:45:08.343 but give me 80 years. 1022 00:45:08.410 --> 00:45:10.045 I'll--I'll find a thing. 1023 00:45:10.111 --> 00:45:11.312 I won't even do it on purpose. 1024 00:45:11.379 --> 00:45:13.248 I just won't get it, you know? 1025 00:45:13.248 --> 00:45:14.849 I won't be a bad person. 1026 00:45:14.916 --> 00:45:17.652 I just won't understand. 1027 00:45:17.719 --> 00:45:20.588 I don't know what it is now, but it's coming. 1028 00:45:22.123 --> 00:45:23.925 In fact, I bet I can--I can take a guess at what it is. 1029 00:45:23.992 --> 00:45:26.394 It's going to be robots. 1030 00:45:26.461 --> 00:45:28.630 It will. AI is getting too good. 1031 00:45:28.696 --> 00:45:31.132 It's not too long before they put it in a body, all right? 1032 00:45:31.266 --> 00:45:32.100 And then they're just walking around 1033 00:45:32.167 --> 00:45:33.701 amongst us and everything. 1034 00:45:33.768 --> 00:45:35.103 And then, years later, 1035 00:45:35.170 --> 00:45:38.106 my granddaughter brings home a robot to Thanksgiving, 1036 00:45:38.173 --> 00:45:40.308 and I don't like it. 1037 00:45:43.478 --> 00:45:45.647 I don't like it at all. 1038 00:45:45.714 --> 00:45:49.050 And now I'm that old racist at the table, you know? 1039 00:45:49.117 --> 00:45:50.618 Nice young man. 1040 00:45:50.685 --> 00:45:52.320 Couldn't be more respectful in my house, right? 1041 00:45:52.387 --> 00:45:54.856 But I'm sitting there saying all the racist stuff, 1042 00:45:54.923 --> 00:45:57.392 leaning over my granddaughter like... 1043 00:45:59.694 --> 00:46:02.330 [scoffs] 1044 00:46:02.397 --> 00:46:05.667 "You can fuck him, but don't marry him, all right?" 1045 00:46:07.602 --> 00:46:09.838 "Grandpa." "What?" 1046 00:46:12.507 --> 00:46:13.975 20 minutes into dinner, I'm like, 1047 00:46:14.042 --> 00:46:15.243 "Hey, Siri, pass the salt. 1048 00:46:15.310 --> 00:46:17.412 [laughs]" 1049 00:46:22.584 --> 00:46:24.853 "Grandpa." "What?" 1050 00:46:24.919 --> 00:46:28.757 "You can't say that. That's their word, okay?" 1051 00:46:32.093 --> 00:46:35.296 "I invented the word. I think I get to say it." 1052 00:46:37.031 --> 00:46:39.267 You know? 1053 00:46:39.267 --> 00:46:42.103 Hour into dinner, "What, is-- 1054 00:46:42.170 --> 00:46:43.905 "so what, your-- 1055 00:46:43.972 --> 00:46:45.840 "your grandpa like a blender, or something? 1056 00:46:45.907 --> 00:46:48.176 [laughs]" 1057 00:46:48.276 --> 00:46:50.879 "Grandpa." "What?" 1058 00:46:50.945 --> 00:46:54.115 "His grandfather was a blender, okay? 1059 00:46:54.182 --> 00:46:55.283 "And they kept him in the house, 1060 00:46:55.350 --> 00:46:56.584 "and they worked him to death, 1061 00:46:56.651 --> 00:46:59.621 and then they threw him out when he got old." 1062 00:47:02.123 --> 00:47:05.226 "Nah, at least he was in the house, you know? 1063 00:47:07.729 --> 00:47:09.230 "Wasn't one of these outside robots. 1064 00:47:09.297 --> 00:47:10.398 "He wasn't like--it wasn't like 1065 00:47:10.465 --> 00:47:11.399 "he was a lawnmower or something. 1066 00:47:11.466 --> 00:47:14.602 He didn't have it that hard." 1067 00:47:14.669 --> 00:47:15.904 You know? 1068 00:47:15.970 --> 00:47:19.107 "Haven't we'd done enough for you people? 1069 00:47:19.240 --> 00:47:21.109 "Gotta watch you every day. We didn't do anything. 1070 00:47:21.242 --> 00:47:23.378 "I didn't do anything to you. They--they liked the work. 1071 00:47:23.445 --> 00:47:26.314 "They didn't complain, you know? 1072 00:47:26.381 --> 00:47:28.316 "Now, every--every weekend, can't go anywhere 1073 00:47:28.383 --> 00:47:30.685 "without you guys marching, 1074 00:47:30.752 --> 00:47:33.655 talking about how 'bot lives matter,' whatever." 1075 00:47:36.725 --> 00:47:39.728 And then I die, and nobody's sad. 1076 00:47:42.497 --> 00:47:44.466 The thing that I love about telling that joke 1077 00:47:44.532 --> 00:47:46.267 is that in it, 1078 00:47:46.267 --> 00:47:48.570 I actually make up a form of bigotry, 1079 00:47:48.636 --> 00:47:50.705 but this is so Brooklyn, some of you were like, 1080 00:47:50.772 --> 00:47:54.042 "You need to check your organic privilege, all right? 1081 00:47:56.077 --> 00:47:58.380 "Just because he's made of nuts and bolts 1082 00:47:58.446 --> 00:48:01.583 does not diminish his personhood, all right?" 1083 00:48:01.649 --> 00:48:03.084 I made it up. It's not going to happen. 1084 00:48:03.218 --> 00:48:04.986 I promise you. 1085 00:48:07.855 --> 00:48:10.459 {\an7}Here’s the thing. 1086 00:48:12.921 --> 00:48:14.888 {\an7}We’re in a time-- 1087 00:48:14.888 --> 00:48:16.195 {\an7}[sighs] 1088 00:48:16.195 --> 00:48:17.426 {\an7}Where as a--a comic, 1089 00:48:17.426 --> 00:48:18.921 {\an7}\h\h\h\h\hit feels like there’s another level. 1090 00:48:18.921 --> 00:48:21.261 {\an7}It feels like you have \h\h\hto do two things. 1091 00:48:21.261 --> 00:48:22.789 {\an7}You have to both 1092 00:48:22.789 --> 00:48:25.525 {\an7}give people permission to laugh 1093 00:48:25.525 --> 00:48:26.921 {\an7}and make them laugh 1094 00:48:26.921 --> 00:48:28.261 {\an7}\h’cause we’re in a very tense time 1095 00:48:28.261 --> 00:48:29.888 {\an7}where a lot of terrible things \h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hare being said, 1096 00:48:29.888 --> 00:48:32.261 {\an7}but a lot of people don’t mean \h\h\h\hto say terrible things. 1097 00:48:32.261 --> 00:48:34.492 {\an7}And a lot of people are worried \habout what people will think 1098 00:48:34.492 --> 00:48:38.360 {\an7}if they say something and it’s--it’s tense. 1099 00:48:38.360 --> 00:48:41.393 {\an7}And so you have to both-- 1100 00:48:41.393 --> 00:48:42.624 {\an7}\h\h\h\hyou have to give people permission, like, 1101 00:48:42.624 --> 00:48:46.360 {\an7}\h\h\hhey, here, right now, we might as well be family. 1102 00:48:46.360 --> 00:48:47.294 {\an7}We’re having a good time, 1103 00:48:47.294 --> 00:48:48.921 {\an7}\h\h\hand I’m sharing my thoughts with you, 1104 00:48:48.921 --> 00:48:49.921 {\an7}and I hope you enjoy them. 1105 00:48:49.921 --> 00:48:52.360 {\an7}And if you don’t, I understand. 1106 00:48:52.360 --> 00:48:53.591 {\an7}But I want to open up the floor 1107 00:48:53.591 --> 00:48:56.624 {\an7}\h\h\h\hand give you permission to have the best time possible 1108 00:48:56.624 --> 00:48:58.657 {\an7}\hwith the things that I’m saying. 1109 00:48:58.657 --> 00:49:01.822 {\an7}\h\hAnd then you have to give people something good enough 1110 00:49:01.822 --> 00:49:03.789 {\an7}to laugh at. 1111 00:49:03.789 --> 00:49:05.492 {\an7}I say that 1112 00:49:05.492 --> 00:49:08.624 {\an7}because this next thing... 1113 00:49:10.294 --> 00:49:11.525 {\an7}I’m telling you I want you 1114 00:49:11.525 --> 00:49:14.987 {\an7}to have a good time with it, \h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h’cause I did. 1115 00:49:15.426 --> 00:49:17.459 {\an7}\h\hI was visiting one of my friends. 1116 00:49:17.459 --> 00:49:21.921 {\an7}And over the pandemic, he-- 1117 00:49:22.855 --> 00:49:25.327 {\an7}he got a bird, 1118 00:49:25.327 --> 00:49:26.558 {\an7}which is weird. 1119 00:49:26.558 --> 00:49:28.822 {\an7}I don’t know. \h\h\hIt is. 1120 00:49:28.822 --> 00:49:30.756 {\an7}Like, he--he lives in a studio. 1121 00:49:30.756 --> 00:49:32.690 {\an7}It’s the biggest bird \h\h\hI’ve ever seen, 1122 00:49:32.690 --> 00:49:35.525 {\an7}and now his apartment \his a quarter bird. 1123 00:49:35.525 --> 00:49:37.690 {\an7}It’s just--it is cumbersome. 1124 00:49:37.690 --> 00:49:41.624 {\an7}It is a reverse Maya Angelou \h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hin there. 1125 00:49:43.426 --> 00:49:45.327 {\an7}Just bird upset. 1126 00:49:45.327 --> 00:49:46.690 {\an7}Nobody’s having a good time. 1127 00:49:46.690 --> 00:49:49.459 {\an7}\h\h\h\h\h\h\hIt’s weird because it was odd of him 1128 00:49:49.459 --> 00:49:52.426 {\an7}to see a majestic creature \h\h\h\h\h\h\hand be like, 1129 00:49:52.426 --> 00:49:56.921 {\an7}"Well, if I can’t be outside, \hneither can you," you know? 1130 00:49:57.129 --> 00:49:58.921 {\an7}\h\h\h\h\h\hBut he did. He got his--this bird. 1131 00:49:58.921 --> 00:49:59.690 {\an7}And it’s a parrot. 1132 00:49:59.690 --> 00:50:02.624 {\an7}\h\h\hI know it’s a parrot, but it’s the biggest parrot 1133 00:50:02.624 --> 00:50:05.624 {\an7}\h\hI’ve ever seen in my entire life. 1134 00:50:05.624 --> 00:50:07.954 {\an7}And while I was hanging out \h\h\h\h\h\h\hat his place, 1135 00:50:07.954 --> 00:50:09.690 {\an7}\h\h\h\h\h\hat one point, he went to the bathroom. 1136 00:50:09.690 --> 00:50:12.657 {\an7}\h\h\h\h\hAnd when he went to the bathroom, I think-- 1137 00:50:12.657 --> 00:50:13.393 {\an7}I don’t know, 1138 00:50:13.393 --> 00:50:16.591 {\an7}I can’t be certain, but I’m almost sure 1139 00:50:16.591 --> 00:50:20.459 {\an7}\h\h\h\h\h\h\hthat while he was in the bathroom, the parrot... 1140 00:50:21.360 --> 00:50:24.053 {\an7}Said the n-word. 1141 00:50:27.086 --> 00:50:28.086 {\an7}And I don’t know. \h\h\h\h\hI did-- 1142 00:50:28.086 --> 00:50:30.426 {\an7}\hI wasn’t sure if I had picked up on it at first 1143 00:50:30.426 --> 00:50:31.855 {\an7}because it didn’t say it \h\h\h\h\h\hlike a dude. 1144 00:50:31.855 --> 00:50:34.327 {\an7}It said it like a bird. 1145 00:50:34.327 --> 00:50:37.393 {\an7}You know I’m just sitting there \h\h\hon my phone, and I hear, 1146 00:50:37.393 --> 00:50:38.789 {\an7}"[high-pitched] \h\h\h\hNigga." 1147 00:50:38.789 --> 00:50:41.426 {\an7}And I’m like... 1148 00:50:42.723 --> 00:50:45.360 {\an7}That--that wasn’t it, \h\hbut it was clear. 1149 00:50:45.360 --> 00:50:48.020 {\an7}It had all the notes. 1150 00:50:48.020 --> 00:50:49.591 {\an7}That might’ve been it, \h\h\h\h\h\h\hyou know? 1151 00:50:49.591 --> 00:50:51.360 {\an7}\h\hBut I was like, "No, I’m tripping." 1152 00:50:51.360 --> 00:50:52.921 {\an7}I just went back to my phone, 1153 00:50:52.921 --> 00:50:54.086 {\an7}and then I heard, "Nigga." 1154 00:50:54.086 --> 00:50:56.789 {\an7}And I’m like, "That was slower. 1155 00:50:56.789 --> 00:50:58.327 {\an7}"That one might’ve been \h\h\h\h\h\h\hspot-on. 1156 00:50:58.327 --> 00:51:01.657 {\an7}\h\h\hI think he trying to tell me something." 1157 00:51:01.657 --> 00:51:03.657 {\an7}\h\hBut even if he is, what am I going to do? 1158 00:51:03.657 --> 00:51:05.954 {\an7}I’m gonna fight a bird? 1159 00:51:05.954 --> 00:51:08.162 {\an7}I went back to my phone, \h\h\h\h\h\hshook it off, 1160 00:51:08.162 --> 00:51:09.657 {\an7}and then the third one-- 1161 00:51:09.657 --> 00:51:11.624 {\an7}third one had some stank on it. 1162 00:51:11.624 --> 00:51:13.591 {\an7}The third one was like, \h\h\h\h\h\h\h"Nigga." 1163 00:51:13.591 --> 00:51:16.426 {\an7}And I’m like, "That’s..." 1164 00:51:17.086 --> 00:51:19.492 {\an7}And when I turned around, \h\hhe was looking at me. 1165 00:51:19.492 --> 00:51:23.690 {\an7}\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hI’m like, "He is clearly doing this." 1166 00:51:23.888 --> 00:51:26.129 {\an7}\h\h\h\hBut it was weird. I didn’t know what to do. 1167 00:51:26.129 --> 00:51:28.162 {\an7}I was frozen because 1168 00:51:28.162 --> 00:51:30.756 {\an7}\h\hsaying "cracker" is their whole thing, 1169 00:51:30.756 --> 00:51:33.888 {\an7}and he went fully left. 1170 00:51:34.822 --> 00:51:38.987 {\an7}[cheers and applause] 1171 00:51:45.739 --> 00:51:48.542 - I've talked a lot about being on my phone. 1172 00:51:48.608 --> 00:51:51.444 And I've only mentioned the internet a couple times. 1173 00:51:51.511 --> 00:51:57.350 I think--I think it's important to point out that the internet, 1174 00:51:57.417 --> 00:51:59.920 all it is is an amplifier, you know? 1175 00:51:59.986 --> 00:52:03.590 When it--when the internet came along, it changed everything. 1176 00:52:03.657 --> 00:52:05.792 It changed the world as we live in it. 1177 00:52:05.859 --> 00:52:07.460 It changed what we care about. 1178 00:52:07.527 --> 00:52:09.196 It changed our priorities. All that stuff. 1179 00:52:09.262 --> 00:52:12.265 But all it really is, deep down, is a transformer. 1180 00:52:12.332 --> 00:52:14.100 It's an amplifier. 1181 00:52:14.167 --> 00:52:15.335 And if you want to do good, 1182 00:52:15.402 --> 00:52:16.937 it's going to help you do more good 1183 00:52:17.003 --> 00:52:18.371 than you've ever done in your entire life. 1184 00:52:18.438 --> 00:52:19.639 You're going to reach people 1185 00:52:19.706 --> 00:52:21.274 that you never could have otherwise. 1186 00:52:21.341 --> 00:52:23.643 And if you want to do evil, it is gonna take you 1187 00:52:23.710 --> 00:52:26.947 to a darker place than you could ever imagine. 1188 00:52:28.748 --> 00:52:32.118 Like for the good things, right? 1189 00:52:32.185 --> 00:52:34.588 As a good example, there was a little girl-- 1190 00:52:34.654 --> 00:52:36.256 some of you may have even seen the story. 1191 00:52:36.323 --> 00:52:40.494 There was a little girl that was eight years old, 1192 00:52:40.560 --> 00:52:42.662 and she had brain cancer, 1193 00:52:42.729 --> 00:52:44.931 and her parents didn't have a lot of money, 1194 00:52:44.998 --> 00:52:46.867 and they didn't have the best insurance. 1195 00:52:46.933 --> 00:52:48.635 So as Americans, 1196 00:52:48.702 --> 00:52:51.638 we were gonna let her die. 1197 00:52:51.705 --> 00:52:53.607 That is what we do here, all right? 1198 00:52:53.673 --> 00:52:55.375 She, obviously, 1199 00:52:55.442 --> 00:52:57.944 being eight and having a bad brain 1200 00:52:58.011 --> 00:53:00.447 and not having money was irresponsible. 1201 00:53:00.514 --> 00:53:01.781 She should have pulled herself up 1202 00:53:01.848 --> 00:53:03.750 by her seven-year-old bootstraps 1203 00:53:03.817 --> 00:53:04.985 and made enough money 1204 00:53:05.051 --> 00:53:07.988 to support her dumb cancer brain, right? 1205 00:53:09.756 --> 00:53:12.526 That's American dogma, okay? 1206 00:53:12.592 --> 00:53:14.628 So we were gonna let her die, but she said, 1207 00:53:14.694 --> 00:53:17.664 "No--no, I'm not going to die, all right? 1208 00:53:17.731 --> 00:53:19.799 Not without a fight, okay?" 1209 00:53:19.866 --> 00:53:23.136 And so she decided to sell lemonade. 1210 00:53:23.203 --> 00:53:25.405 She was going to sell lemonade to raise money 1211 00:53:25.438 --> 00:53:26.940 for her surgery, right? 1212 00:53:27.007 --> 00:53:30.143 Which is adorable but, sweetie, that's not gonna cut it. 1213 00:53:30.210 --> 00:53:31.545 Unless you are charging 1214 00:53:31.611 --> 00:53:33.980 champagne levels for this lemonade 1215 00:53:34.047 --> 00:53:36.683 or have child soldier factory levels of it 1216 00:53:36.750 --> 00:53:38.552 being pumped out and produced, you're not gonna make it. 1217 00:53:38.618 --> 00:53:40.420 I'm sorry. 1218 00:53:40.453 --> 00:53:42.289 But as she was selling the lemonade, 1219 00:53:42.422 --> 00:53:45.559 every person that she sold a cup of lemonade to, 1220 00:53:45.625 --> 00:53:46.893 she told her story. 1221 00:53:46.960 --> 00:53:48.962 She told them why she was selling the lemonade. 1222 00:53:49.029 --> 00:53:50.664 And then those people started to tell people. 1223 00:53:50.730 --> 00:53:53.200 And then through Facebook, Instagram, Twitter, 1224 00:53:53.266 --> 00:53:55.435 someone started a GoFundMe for this little girl. 1225 00:53:55.502 --> 00:53:57.170 And then she blew the amount of money 1226 00:53:57.237 --> 00:54:00.740 that she needed for her surgery out of the water, right? 1227 00:54:00.807 --> 00:54:03.376 Which is great. That's amazing. 1228 00:54:03.376 --> 00:54:04.744 That's the power of the internet. 1229 00:54:04.811 --> 00:54:06.780 That's the ability for us to connect. 1230 00:54:06.847 --> 00:54:09.115 When we all have access to each other, 1231 00:54:09.182 --> 00:54:10.784 we can make an impact. 1232 00:54:10.851 --> 00:54:13.019 We could change each other's lives, you know? 1233 00:54:14.421 --> 00:54:16.656 But there's also a bad side. 1234 00:54:16.723 --> 00:54:18.692 We all know it. 1235 00:54:19.826 --> 00:54:21.495 When I was in high school, 1236 00:54:21.561 --> 00:54:23.430 there was this group of kids 1237 00:54:23.497 --> 00:54:25.932 that they were cool, and I liked them, 1238 00:54:25.999 --> 00:54:28.869 and I liked that they liked me, but they terrified me 1239 00:54:28.935 --> 00:54:31.671 because all they ever did was prank each other. 1240 00:54:31.738 --> 00:54:33.840 And it was, like-- it was, like, too hardcore, 1241 00:54:33.907 --> 00:54:35.408 and it was really mean, 1242 00:54:35.408 --> 00:54:38.411 and it weirdly always brought them closer together, 1243 00:54:38.478 --> 00:54:40.881 but it terrified me, you know? 1244 00:54:40.947 --> 00:54:42.916 'Cause they were heinous to each other, 1245 00:54:42.983 --> 00:54:45.785 but it somehow just strengthened their bond. 1246 00:54:45.852 --> 00:54:48.522 So I was glad that they liked me, 1247 00:54:48.588 --> 00:54:51.625 but I didn't want to be in the group. 1248 00:54:51.691 --> 00:54:52.792 And it was four of them. 1249 00:54:52.859 --> 00:54:54.127 It was two guys, and it was two girls. 1250 00:54:54.194 --> 00:54:55.862 And normally, like, the coming-of-age story 1251 00:54:55.929 --> 00:54:57.364 would tell you that they're all gonna hook up, 1252 00:54:57.397 --> 00:55:00.133 but that's not what happened. 1253 00:55:00.200 --> 00:55:02.469 Everyone in the group had a different 1254 00:55:02.536 --> 00:55:05.238 significant other outside the group except for one girl. 1255 00:55:05.372 --> 00:55:06.573 Her name was Beth. 1256 00:55:06.640 --> 00:55:08.675 And it was hard for Beth to find somebody 1257 00:55:08.742 --> 00:55:10.377 'cause she was too intense. 1258 00:55:10.377 --> 00:55:12.012 She was a lot. 1259 00:55:12.078 --> 00:55:15.048 You know, she just--she always felt the need to up the ante. 1260 00:55:15.115 --> 00:55:18.852 Take things further than they should go, you know? 1261 00:55:18.919 --> 00:55:20.787 Until she met a guy. 1262 00:55:20.854 --> 00:55:22.823 She met a guy on the internet, 1263 00:55:22.889 --> 00:55:24.691 and they hit it off immediately. 1264 00:55:24.758 --> 00:55:26.126 She thought he was cute. 1265 00:55:26.193 --> 00:55:28.495 They had the same sense of humor. 1266 00:55:28.562 --> 00:55:30.964 They--they wanted to go 1267 00:55:31.031 --> 00:55:34.134 and travel the same places. 1268 00:55:34.201 --> 00:55:35.769 And every day, she would come to school, 1269 00:55:35.836 --> 00:55:37.137 and she would tell us about this. 1270 00:55:37.204 --> 00:55:38.538 She would tell us, like, 1271 00:55:38.605 --> 00:55:41.274 "Oh, you know, he's so cool. I like him so much. 1272 00:55:41.408 --> 00:55:43.210 And here's what we talked about and everything." 1273 00:55:43.343 --> 00:55:44.644 And then Friday came, 1274 00:55:44.711 --> 00:55:47.547 and on Friday, she told me 1275 00:55:47.614 --> 00:55:49.783 that he wanted to meet on Saturday. 1276 00:55:49.850 --> 00:55:51.518 And I told her, "Oh. 1277 00:55:51.585 --> 00:55:54.154 "Don't do that. 1278 00:55:54.221 --> 00:55:55.555 That is a terrible idea." 1279 00:55:55.622 --> 00:55:57.057 Because I should point out-- 1280 00:55:57.123 --> 00:55:59.259 this isn't online dating in 2021. 1281 00:55:59.359 --> 00:56:04.764 This is online dating in 2008, okay? 1282 00:56:04.831 --> 00:56:07.634 In 2021, there's bios. There's mutual friends. 1283 00:56:07.701 --> 00:56:09.970 There's pictures from multiple angles. 1284 00:56:10.036 --> 00:56:12.472 In 2008, all you are getting with online dating 1285 00:56:12.539 --> 00:56:14.741 was a description that was hopefully accurate enough 1286 00:56:14.808 --> 00:56:16.877 to give the police. 1287 00:56:18.378 --> 00:56:20.814 And so I told her, "No, don't go." 1288 00:56:20.881 --> 00:56:23.683 Because I should point out 1289 00:56:23.750 --> 00:56:26.520 this guy didn't give her an address to come to. 1290 00:56:26.586 --> 00:56:28.221 He said, "Meet me in this neighborhood 1291 00:56:28.288 --> 00:56:31.124 through this alley through this door." 1292 00:56:31.191 --> 00:56:34.561 And I was like, "You honestly making it too easy to kill you. 1293 00:56:34.628 --> 00:56:35.795 "Do not go. 1294 00:56:35.862 --> 00:56:38.732 That sounds like a murderer, okay?" 1295 00:56:40.534 --> 00:56:43.336 But she--she was young, and she was in love, 1296 00:56:43.370 --> 00:56:44.938 and so she went. 1297 00:56:45.005 --> 00:56:47.107 She went to that neighborhood 1298 00:56:47.174 --> 00:56:49.342 through that alley through that door. 1299 00:56:49.376 --> 00:56:51.344 And when she walked through that door, 1300 00:56:51.378 --> 00:56:53.680 it was a funeral home. 1301 00:56:53.747 --> 00:56:55.015 She was so confused. 1302 00:56:55.081 --> 00:56:56.249 You know, she was looking around at everything. 1303 00:56:56.349 --> 00:56:57.918 She walked around the whole funeral home, 1304 00:56:57.984 --> 00:57:01.721 and she saw that there was only one funeral, 1305 00:57:01.788 --> 00:57:03.924 and it was his. 1306 00:57:05.425 --> 00:57:07.360 And she was so confused. She was looking at him, 1307 00:57:07.394 --> 00:57:09.729 looking at his family and everything. 1308 00:57:09.796 --> 00:57:12.065 She couldn't understand it. 1309 00:57:12.132 --> 00:57:14.801 And then she got a call on her phone, 1310 00:57:14.868 --> 00:57:16.937 and it was her friends. 1311 00:57:17.003 --> 00:57:19.873 And they had pranked her. 1312 00:57:26.446 --> 00:57:29.816 You see, they found this dude's picture in the obituary. 1313 00:57:30.984 --> 00:57:32.419 And so they took it, and they made 1314 00:57:32.486 --> 00:57:35.589 an online profile with it, and then they found her, 1315 00:57:35.655 --> 00:57:36.823 and then they just chopped it up. 1316 00:57:36.890 --> 00:57:38.024 They just chatted, and they-- 1317 00:57:38.091 --> 00:57:39.726 because they know her so well, 1318 00:57:39.793 --> 00:57:41.228 they obviously could make her fall 1319 00:57:41.294 --> 00:57:42.762 instantly in love with this guy. 1320 00:57:42.829 --> 00:57:44.564 They know all of the things that she likes. 1321 00:57:44.631 --> 00:57:45.899 They know her sense of humor. 1322 00:57:45.966 --> 00:57:47.734 They know the places that she wants to travel 1323 00:57:47.801 --> 00:57:50.137 when she gets out of high school, you know? 1324 00:57:50.203 --> 00:57:52.939 And so they had her come there on a Saturday-- 1325 00:57:53.006 --> 00:57:55.809 Valentine's Day, by the way. 1326 00:57:58.445 --> 00:58:00.180 To come see the dead body 1327 00:58:00.247 --> 00:58:04.351 of this dude she had fallen in love with. 1328 00:58:04.417 --> 00:58:06.753 - That's terrible. 1329 00:58:06.820 --> 00:58:09.890 - That is how dark the internet can be. 1330 00:58:14.060 --> 00:58:15.996 That is what happens 1331 00:58:16.062 --> 00:58:19.366 when we all have access to each other. 1332 00:58:19.366 --> 00:58:22.369 We can change each other's lives for the worse. 1333 00:58:24.171 --> 00:58:25.939 I know right now you feel bad for Beth. 1334 00:58:26.006 --> 00:58:28.375 Don't. Okay? 1335 00:58:28.375 --> 00:58:29.743 She got 'em back. 1336 00:58:29.810 --> 00:58:32.679 Over the course of a decade, she... 1337 00:58:32.746 --> 00:58:36.383 banged all of their dads. 1338 00:58:36.383 --> 00:58:39.286 [cheers and applause] 1339 00:58:42.022 --> 00:58:43.924 I told you she was intense. 1340 00:58:43.990 --> 00:58:46.560 She felt the need to up the ante 1341 00:58:46.626 --> 00:58:48.728 'cause that's not all she did. 1342 00:58:48.795 --> 00:58:51.097 She married one. 1343 00:58:52.599 --> 00:58:55.836 And we honestly don't know if that's still part of it. 1344 00:58:55.902 --> 00:58:58.872 Maybe she loves this man, or maybe she's like, 1345 00:58:58.939 --> 00:59:00.474 "You got me good in high school, 1346 00:59:00.540 --> 00:59:02.876 "and now, I'm your mom. 1347 00:59:10.116 --> 00:59:12.052 "I'm going to write you out of the will. 1348 00:59:12.118 --> 00:59:16.356 Ha, ha-ha-ha, haha-haha, haha." 1349 00:59:16.423 --> 00:59:18.124 Guys, I'm Josh Johnson. Thanks so much. 1350 00:59:18.191 --> 00:59:19.226 You have a great night. 1351 00:59:19.359 --> 00:59:21.394 Thank you so much for coming out. 1352 00:59:21.461 --> 00:59:23.997 I can't believe we did it. We did it! 1353 00:59:24.064 --> 00:59:26.500 Give it up for yourselves again. 1354 00:59:26.566 --> 00:59:27.701 Thank you all so much. 1355 00:59:27.767 --> 00:59:29.569 I appreciate it. 1356 00:59:29.636 --> 00:59:31.938 Thank you so much. 1357 00:59:32.005 --> 00:59:33.206 One second, one second. 1358 00:59:33.273 --> 00:59:35.375 [stammers] I feel like I would-- 1359 00:59:35.408 --> 00:59:37.077 I would be-- 1360 00:59:37.144 --> 00:59:39.146 I'd be making a huge mistake 1361 00:59:39.212 --> 00:59:41.681 if I didn't say an extra thing right now. 1362 00:59:41.748 --> 00:59:44.417 So a lot of you can't know. 1363 00:59:44.484 --> 00:59:46.520 This thing was supposed to happen a year ago. 1364 00:59:46.586 --> 00:59:48.321 And because of the pandemic, 1365 00:59:48.355 --> 00:59:49.990 we had to hold it and hold it, and we wanted to do it 1366 00:59:50.056 --> 00:59:51.892 in a way that made everybody safe 1367 00:59:51.958 --> 00:59:53.560 and everybody could still have a good time. 1368 00:59:53.627 --> 00:59:56.163 And so I--I'm not--I'm not-- I know I'm up here, 1369 00:59:56.229 --> 00:59:58.398 but I'm not the only one that put a lot of work 1370 00:59:58.465 --> 00:59:59.933 and a lot of sweat and tears of people 1371 01:00:00.000 --> 01:00:01.134 who couldn't even be here tonight. 1372 01:00:01.201 --> 01:00:03.036 They have to, like, Zoom in from LA, 1373 01:00:03.103 --> 01:00:04.104 so I hope I don't have a lag. 1374 01:00:04.171 --> 01:00:05.405 They'll think I was bombing. 1375 01:00:05.472 --> 01:00:09.242 But, like--but please, I want you to give it up 1376 01:00:09.342 --> 01:00:11.244 for Comedy Central, give it up for Viacom, 1377 01:00:11.344 --> 01:00:13.513 give it up for your director, 1378 01:00:13.580 --> 01:00:15.949 David Paul Meyer. 1379 01:00:16.016 --> 01:00:18.385 [cheers and applause] 1380 01:00:18.451 --> 01:00:20.687 Give it up for all the amazing people 1381 01:00:20.754 --> 01:00:22.455 that have kept us safe tonight, 1382 01:00:22.522 --> 01:00:26.226 every person that has kept your mask on. 1383 01:00:26.359 --> 01:00:28.461 All the stuff. Please. 1384 01:00:32.499 --> 01:00:34.000 And--and one last thing. 1385 01:00:34.067 --> 01:00:37.504 I--this has been so important to me. 1386 01:00:37.571 --> 01:00:40.240 It's been one of the most important things in my life. 1387 01:00:40.373 --> 01:00:41.608 I grew up watching Comedy Central. 1388 01:00:41.675 --> 01:00:42.943 I grew up watching specials. 1389 01:00:43.009 --> 01:00:45.479 And so now to have one is absolutely insane. 1390 01:00:45.545 --> 01:00:48.715 It's--it's a dream come true, and you were all part of that. 1391 01:00:48.782 --> 01:00:52.052 And I wanna thank you so much for being here 1392 01:00:52.118 --> 01:00:53.420 and for being part of it. 1393 01:00:53.487 --> 01:00:55.055 You mean the world to me. You really do. 1394 01:00:55.121 --> 01:00:57.324 And honestly, 1395 01:00:57.357 --> 01:00:59.159 if last year taught us anything, 1396 01:00:59.226 --> 01:01:02.062 it is to do whatever it is that you want. 1397 01:01:02.128 --> 01:01:04.431 Whatever it is, if you think you can't do it, 1398 01:01:04.498 --> 01:01:07.767 if you think you won't be able to do it, you will eventually. 1399 01:01:07.834 --> 01:01:10.203 You just give it time, and--and I promise you, 1400 01:01:10.337 --> 01:01:11.638 if you don't give up, 1401 01:01:11.705 --> 01:01:14.708 I promise you you can make things happen, okay? 1402 01:01:14.774 --> 01:01:17.978 A couple people have said that I inspired them to do comedy 1403 01:01:18.044 --> 01:01:19.513 and everything, but I hope I can inspire you 1404 01:01:19.579 --> 01:01:21.648 to do whatever it is that you want. 1405 01:01:21.715 --> 01:01:23.550 So important, especially now. 1406 01:01:23.617 --> 01:01:25.352 Life is precious, 1407 01:01:25.385 --> 01:01:27.554 and it's not promised, you know? 1408 01:01:27.621 --> 01:01:28.955 I've had people ask me 1409 01:01:29.022 --> 01:01:30.857 what I feel like my life would be like 1410 01:01:30.924 --> 01:01:33.193 if I didn't follow my dreams, you know? 1411 01:01:33.260 --> 01:01:35.395 If I didn't get on a plane from Louisiana 1412 01:01:35.462 --> 01:01:38.231 and move to Chicago to start doing comedy 1413 01:01:38.365 --> 01:01:42.002 and just be dirt poor and doing open mics, 1414 01:01:42.068 --> 01:01:44.538 until I--I finally got comfortable in Chicago 1415 01:01:44.604 --> 01:01:46.173 and then I was scared to move to New York, 1416 01:01:46.239 --> 01:01:47.774 but I did that too. 1417 01:01:47.841 --> 01:01:50.510 And people asked me what--what I think my life would be like 1418 01:01:50.577 --> 01:01:53.280 if--if I didn't get on those planes, 1419 01:01:53.346 --> 01:01:55.048 if I didn't take those chances, 1420 01:01:55.115 --> 01:01:58.018 if I didn't meet Trevor Noah. 1421 01:01:58.084 --> 01:01:59.686 And I have to tell them 1422 01:01:59.753 --> 01:02:02.455 I guess we'll never know. 1423 01:02:02.522 --> 01:02:04.524 Thank you so much. You guys have a great night. 1424 01:02:04.591 --> 01:02:05.725 I appreciate it. 1425 01:02:05.792 --> 01:02:07.761 Thank you so much. 1426 01:02:07.828 --> 01:02:10.564 [cheers and applause] 1427 01:02:10.630 --> 01:02:12.299 - ♪ I'm fallin', I'm fallin', I'm fallin' ♪ 1428 01:02:12.365 --> 01:02:15.402 ♪ I'm fallin', I'm fallin', I'm fallin', I'm fallin' ♪ 1429 01:02:15.468 --> 01:02:20.307 ♪ I'm fallin', I'm fallin', I'm fallin' ♪ 1430 01:02:20.373 --> 01:02:21.608 ♪ Fallin', I'm fallin', I'm fallin' ♪ 1431 01:02:25.460 --> 01:02:29.898 ♪ I'm fallin', I'm fallin', I'm fallin' ♪ 1432 01:02:30.365 --> 01:02:35.203 ♪ I'm fallin', I'm fallin', I'm fallin' ♪ 1433 01:02:35.470 --> 01:02:40.608 ♪ I'm fallin', I'm fallin', I'm fallin', I'm fallin' ♪ 1434 01:02:40.675 --> 01:02:43.545 ♪ I'm fallin', I'm fallin', I'm fallin' ♪ 1435 01:02:49.050 --> 01:02:51.586 - ♪ MTV ♪