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- It was very
difficult to come back

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and start trying to fit in.

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I just stopped talking about it.

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There was a big, big change

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and it was hard to start
relating to anyone.

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- How's it going Ms. Susan.

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I think I have $3
I can give to you.

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You can get an all day bus pass.

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All right, take care.

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I thought about
suicide a few times.

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And one time I put a
round in a chamber.

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I was too scared to
pull the trigger,

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so I just started drinking.

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- Come sit with me.

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Sit.

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I have nightmares.

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I take bupropion and sertraline
for the depression aspects

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helping to control
anger spikes and rage,

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hallucinations and delusions.

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Okay, good boy.

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Good boy.

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'Cause that image,
taking a gun to my head,

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it just goes like a real.

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I asked God, please just
kill me in a natural way,

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so it wouldn't be an
F-you to the people

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like my parents, my sister

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and anybody that actually
has cared about me.

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- The origin of PTSD
came from Vietnam vets.

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- Totally.
- Making a little hungry though.

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- Well, that's the idea, right?

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And you're supposed to kind
of like start freaking out.

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Be like, I can't, not eating.

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What's gonna happen.

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And it's all mental
at that point.

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- I really started wanting

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to just disconnect
from the world.

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My only way to escape it
was to try to drink it away

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or try to numb it.

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And that's when
you get to a point

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where you start believing
that suicide is a way out.

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- What color you got?

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- Orange.

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- I want eight forks
for five people.

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- Yeah, yeah.

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- I struggle financially
and I struggled mentally

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and I wanted it to end.

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I was hurting because my
first wife, she left me,

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my oldest daughter had left.

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So it was like, there
was no reason for me

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to even suck up good
oxygen smell, go to sleep.

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I wanna sleep forever.

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I don't wanna wake up
from this bad dream.

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- From the moment my feet hit
the ground from Afghanistan,

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The only thing
that I wanted to do

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was to take a fucking vacation.

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And not the type of
vacation where the kids

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are on the shoulders
with a Mickey Mouse

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hats on their heads and we're
bobbing through Disneyland

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or Disney World and not
the type of vacation

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where there's a tour
bus in the background

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in the fucking Grand Canyon,

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but the type of vacation
where I could take my ass

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out on the fucking
land and dig a hole

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and scream into it
until I had put down

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every fucking thing that
I needed to put down.

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A brother of mine said, "Mark,
it sounds like the vacation

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"that you're talking
about is a vision quest."

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And at the time I was resistant.

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I was like, "What the
fucking kind of hippie

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"fru fru bullshit, drum
beating magic wu wu lala stuff

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"is a vision quest?"

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He was telling me, "Mark, there
is a way that you can scream

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"into a hole and put the
down that you're carrying."

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And he said, Indigenous
peoples around the globe

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would welcome
their warriors home

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with elders meeting them
outside the village.

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And there was a certain
series of steps and sequence

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that they would
follow, a war detox,

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a spiritual cleansing
that involves spending

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a time on the land
as a community

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and then solo with these things
called self-generated ceremony.

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Ways to mark those transitions,
ways to dig a hole

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and put things down
in a spiritual way.

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Ways to mark the ending,
like cracking of a snake skin

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and the shedding of those
things that no longer serve.

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If I had not put
my burdens down,

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including the identity that
I had for military service

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and mark and claim
who I am today,

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I wouldn't be sitting here,

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I would have blown
my brains out.

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And I can't help but
believe that the 13

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of my close personal friends
who have killed themselves

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post-service, they would
still be here today.

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- Well, welcome.

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My mentor, Stephen Foster,
he and Meredith his wife

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pretty much brought
this ceremony

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back towards the mainstream.

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- They were working at
a suicide prevention center.

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They just started
talking about why is it

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that all these people
keep calling in

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wanting to kill themselves?

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What has gone wrong in our
culture that this is happening.

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And they started
reading about it.

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And they realized that
all peoples of all times

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until very recently
have always had

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these ancient ceremonies.

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- You know that your
brothers and sisters

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are killing themselves off
at an extraordinary rate.

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And many of you, I know have
been on the edge yourself,

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some of you many times.

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So I'm just blessed and
honored that you're here.

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- Clearly something has stirred

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in a way that has prompted
you to come out here,

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whether it was
something that you read

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or something that you
heard from someone else,

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a friend called
you on the phone.

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So I just wanna thank you
for answering the call

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'cause it didn't come from
us, it came from within.

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- Just a real quick overview
of what we're gonna be doing

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for the next 12 days.

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We're gonna sit
with each one of you

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and talk about why you're here
and get to the bottom of it.

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We'll do that for two days.

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And then the last day
before you go out,

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you'll get your spots, and then
you have four days out there

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and four nights and come
back on the fifth day.

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We'll spend that day just
kind of recuperating.

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And then we'll have
a couple of days

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for telling your stories
and having your stories

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listened to very deeply.

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My purpose is to help
create a safe container,

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that's really my most conscious
purpose in doing this,

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is to create that space.

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First off, I'm not a veteran.

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When we had our first
veteran fast last year,

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it was phenomenal
learning for me

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'cause I'd already been
holding these ceremonies

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for quite a long time.

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The wounds, they
carry, this PTSD stuff

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from the service is huge.

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And it's precisely I can't
be left alone with my mind.

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And that's precisely
what we're doing,

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we're throwing them out
there into this place

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where there's nothing
but their own mind.

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It becomes terrifying
very quickly,

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but this land can take that

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and it can take
the childhood stuff,

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it can take the time
of service stuff,

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it can take it all.

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They can actually
lay down the burden.

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- There's three phases
to the ceremony,

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severance to cut attachments
at home, to separate from wife,

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00:10:01,591 --> 00:10:05,164
children, family, employment.

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To separate from the things
of the world back there,

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the telephones,
internet, distractions.

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Severing from pain related
to people who have harmed us,

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00:10:13,306 --> 00:10:16,241
severing from different
things that we may have done

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to to harm other people,
severing from patterns

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that I've created in my life
that I wanna put in the ground

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and walk away from.

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It could be as simple as
severing from drinking soda.

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And it's complex is
severing from self-loathing.

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What are the things
that I wanna put down?

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That's what we're
out here to do.

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This is your initiation home.

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Home here and home out there.

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- Last night, it was the first
time I ever spent the night

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in my tent alone.

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And that was pretty darn scary.

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You would think 61 year old
guys shouldn't be afraid

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of being alone in the tent,
but it's either been me

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and my dog or me and my
girlfriend or me and my son.

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00:11:00,892 --> 00:11:03,288
There's always been
somebody there.

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And last night I was alone
and then it dawned on me,

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00:11:07,261 --> 00:11:09,965
well, I'm gonna be out
there alone for four days.

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00:11:10,000 --> 00:11:12,033
And then I was
thinking about the tarp

179
00:11:12,068 --> 00:11:14,035
and I was thinking
about with two openings.

180
00:11:15,841 --> 00:11:18,677
And those openings are
ways for things to get in.

181
00:11:20,109 --> 00:11:22,043
And I share a little
secret with everybody.

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When I was 12, I was
raped by my uncle.

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And when I told everybody,
they thought I was lying

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'cause I was 12.

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And even my own parents,
they took his side

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because he was
mentally challenged.

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And I remember going
to neighbor's houses

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00:12:02,712 --> 00:12:07,154
and asking them to talk to me.

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00:12:08,795 --> 00:12:10,234
But I lived in a really
small town in West Virginia

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00:12:10,258 --> 00:12:12,588
and everybody just
slammed the door on me

191
00:12:12,623 --> 00:12:14,557
and said, "You need to go home.

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"This is something that
is a family thing."

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00:12:16,803 --> 00:12:18,165
Nobody would ever support me.

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00:12:20,433 --> 00:12:23,775
I felt like everybody
bailed on me.

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00:12:23,810 --> 00:12:25,436
I been afraid to be
alone since then.

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00:12:27,143 --> 00:12:28,252
I always feel like I have
to have somebody around

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so that I feel safe
because back then,

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I felt completely alone.

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- Thank you, Chuck.

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00:12:38,957 --> 00:12:41,892
That's the only way to heal
this stuff, is to get it out.

201
00:12:41,927 --> 00:12:43,355
And thank you.

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00:12:46,360 --> 00:12:49,196
- I hit a point in my life
where it was either death,

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suicide or figuring
this shit out.

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00:12:56,766 --> 00:12:58,766
- I was raised Mormon in Utah.

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Service to others
was preached a lot.

206
00:13:01,045 --> 00:13:02,506
I was always a boy scout.

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00:13:02,541 --> 00:13:03,980
And then when 9/11 happened,

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00:13:04,015 --> 00:13:07,247
I thought if I don't
do something about it,

209
00:13:07,282 --> 00:13:10,019
then why should I
expect anybody else to?

210
00:13:11,484 --> 00:13:13,099
I was a port security
men in the coast guard,

211
00:13:13,123 --> 00:13:16,058
which meant he did a lot of
law enforcement type training.

212
00:13:18,656 --> 00:13:20,337
You come home and you
have this feeling of like,

213
00:13:20,361 --> 00:13:23,967
"Wow, this war is happening,
does anybody know?"

214
00:13:25,399 --> 00:13:28,664
I feel so disconnected
now from the society

215
00:13:28,699 --> 00:13:31,843
that I was trying to help.

216
00:13:33,242 --> 00:13:37,145
I found my way through
various different avenues

217
00:13:37,180 --> 00:13:40,610
to start working at the
VA representing vets

218
00:13:40,645 --> 00:13:42,854
trying to get benefits.

219
00:13:42,889 --> 00:13:45,450
Our job was to
evaluate their claims

220
00:13:45,485 --> 00:13:49,553
and try to come up with a
dollar sum or percentage really

221
00:13:49,588 --> 00:13:54,129
of you are X amount of broken.

222
00:13:54,164 --> 00:13:56,692
They're saying like,
I sit at home at night

223
00:13:56,727 --> 00:14:00,531
and load my gun up thinking
I'm gonna shoot myself

224
00:14:00,566 --> 00:14:03,875
or the neighbors
and I'm struggling with PTSD.

225
00:14:03,910 --> 00:14:07,076
I found myself being
very uncomfortable

226
00:14:07,111 --> 00:14:10,541
with trying to evaluate
other soldiers and sailors

227
00:14:10,576 --> 00:14:14,215
and trying to come up with
whether they were in the right

228
00:14:14,250 --> 00:14:16,811
or the wrong and whether
we should pay them.

229
00:14:16,846 --> 00:14:18,989
In the two years
that I was there,

230
00:14:19,024 --> 00:14:22,718
there was maybe 80 people
in our whole office.

231
00:14:22,753 --> 00:14:26,062
And four of my coworkers
took their own lives.

232
00:14:29,067 --> 00:14:31,661
- About six years old,
I had kind of hit the trifecta

233
00:14:31,696 --> 00:14:34,235
of physical abuse, sexual abuse

234
00:14:34,270 --> 00:14:37,370
and then just years
of mental abuse.

235
00:14:37,405 --> 00:14:40,109
I had parents that
divorced when I was two

236
00:14:40,144 --> 00:14:43,607
and it was a violent,
protracted divorce.

237
00:14:43,642 --> 00:14:45,048
And I was the youngest.

238
00:14:45,083 --> 00:14:47,163
"You remind me of your father,"
My mom used to say.

239
00:14:48,746 --> 00:14:50,906
And I would think, "Well,
you fucking hate my father."

240
00:14:52,255 --> 00:14:54,387
And then my dad would
say the same thing.

241
00:14:54,422 --> 00:14:56,631
Of course, he would add that
with a couple of fish punts

242
00:14:56,655 --> 00:14:59,194
to the face or the stomach.

243
00:14:59,229 --> 00:15:02,461
And I was always looked at
my three older brothers,

244
00:15:02,496 --> 00:15:06,894
like, "Why is this
happening to me,

245
00:15:06,929 --> 00:15:09,732
not you guys."

246
00:15:09,767 --> 00:15:12,438
And then I started getting older
and started getting mad at them.

247
00:15:12,473 --> 00:15:14,704
Like, "Why didn't you step in?"

248
00:15:14,739 --> 00:15:17,872
And I go home and I
just let it eat me

249
00:15:17,907 --> 00:15:21,777
and then I hit the
drink or I take pills.

250
00:15:21,812 --> 00:15:25,990
Went and lived in my car.
I left my job with no plan.

251
00:15:27,686 --> 00:15:31,721
I just lost it,

252
00:15:31,756 --> 00:15:35,593
but I do not wanna go
back to that place.

253
00:15:35,628 --> 00:15:38,937
You don't understand
the dark demons that you have.

254
00:15:40,765 --> 00:15:44,008
And when I started seeing them,

255
00:15:44,043 --> 00:15:47,737
I've spent most
of my life running

256
00:15:47,772 --> 00:15:49,310
from connection with people.

257
00:15:54,152 --> 00:15:56,812
- I have a voice in my
head that is saying,

258
00:15:56,847 --> 00:15:58,616
"You're really not
good enough for this.

259
00:16:01,027 --> 00:16:02,686
"You're not gonna
be able to do this,

260
00:16:02,721 --> 00:16:04,754
"you are not as good as them.

261
00:16:04,789 --> 00:16:06,162
"You do not deserve this."

262
00:16:08,628 --> 00:16:11,530
I grew up in a college
town, Oxford, Ohio.

263
00:16:11,565 --> 00:16:13,631
We were surrounded by trees.

264
00:16:13,666 --> 00:16:15,600
There was a maple tree
that was right outside

265
00:16:15,635 --> 00:16:18,141
my bedroom window.

266
00:16:18,176 --> 00:16:21,144
And that was my best
friend growing up.

267
00:16:21,179 --> 00:16:24,180
I would cry in that tree
and pretend to be Indiana Jones.

268
00:16:24,215 --> 00:16:26,281
I was such a tomboy.

269
00:16:26,316 --> 00:16:29,284
I always wanted to
be an investigator

270
00:16:29,319 --> 00:16:31,517
or a police officer.

271
00:16:31,552 --> 00:16:33,816
Coming out of my
undergraduate degree,

272
00:16:33,851 --> 00:16:37,556
I had come out of the closet
and dated my first female.

273
00:16:37,591 --> 00:16:41,395
And so when I went
into the military,

274
00:16:41,430 --> 00:16:43,694
I kind of went back
into the closet again.

275
00:16:43,729 --> 00:16:46,334
I chose to join during
don't ask don't tell.

276
00:16:46,369 --> 00:16:49,304
And a part of me was like,
"It'll be fine."

277
00:16:49,339 --> 00:16:52,703
But immediately
it was very difficult.

278
00:16:52,738 --> 00:16:56,575
It was necessary for me
to take away the emotion.

279
00:16:56,610 --> 00:17:00,183
It was hard when
love is involved

280
00:17:00,218 --> 00:17:03,714
and you're being broken down
to be built up as a machine.

281
00:17:03,749 --> 00:17:07,124
It's not safe, it's not safe.

282
00:17:10,393 --> 00:17:13,691
At least like five different
sexual assaults and rapes.

283
00:17:18,566 --> 00:17:21,765
I'm left with this loud fucking
voice in my head that says,

284
00:17:21,800 --> 00:17:24,240
I'm a piece of shit,
I'm a piece of shit,

285
00:17:24,275 --> 00:17:25,703
I'm a piece of shit.

286
00:17:25,738 --> 00:17:28,937
I'm a piece of fucking shit
and screaming children.

287
00:17:31,282 --> 00:17:34,943
And I'm also one
of the screaming children

288
00:17:34,978 --> 00:17:36,450
every day.

289
00:17:38,883 --> 00:17:41,587
It's like nightmares
in the daytime.

290
00:17:47,826 --> 00:17:50,431
- I'm here to see if this
shit would scare me enough

291
00:17:50,466 --> 00:17:52,235
to where I can stop being angry

292
00:17:53,733 --> 00:17:57,031
'cause I'm angry all the time.

293
00:17:57,066 --> 00:17:58,912
When I was a teenager,
I was going into the store

294
00:17:58,936 --> 00:18:01,937
and three cop cars
pulled guns on me.

295
00:18:01,972 --> 00:18:03,932
I felt that they wanted
to kill me for no reason.

296
00:18:06,009 --> 00:18:08,548
And a Black man
is at the bottom.

297
00:18:08,583 --> 00:18:13,553
That's the order of
the food chain in New Orleans.

298
00:18:13,588 --> 00:18:16,083
You could be doing something
to totally innocent,

299
00:18:16,118 --> 00:18:17,878
things can definitely
change in an instant.

300
00:18:19,759 --> 00:18:23,167
My grandfather was in jail,
my biological father

301
00:18:23,202 --> 00:18:24,597
was in jail.

302
00:18:24,632 --> 00:18:27,930
My first meal with him,
I was 40 years old.

303
00:18:27,965 --> 00:18:29,767
So it was just three years ago.

304
00:18:29,802 --> 00:18:32,902
If he was there, probably
wouldn't have been selling drugs

305
00:18:32,937 --> 00:18:34,739
when I was 13 years old.

306
00:18:34,774 --> 00:18:38,908
And I don't think that's
something to be proud of.

307
00:18:38,943 --> 00:18:40,514
How would that look to my son?

308
00:18:41,979 --> 00:18:44,815
How do I get my mind off
of anger building up?

309
00:18:49,459 --> 00:18:52,119
As a parent, you
don't let your child

310
00:18:52,154 --> 00:18:54,088
know that you're broke.

311
00:18:54,123 --> 00:18:55,474
You don't let your
child know that,

312
00:18:55,498 --> 00:18:57,960
"We're fucking homeless now."
See what I'm saying?

313
00:18:57,995 --> 00:19:00,171
So you don't let
your child know,

314
00:19:00,206 --> 00:19:02,701
"I wanted to kill myself."

315
00:19:02,736 --> 00:19:04,934
I need to become a man again.

316
00:19:04,969 --> 00:19:07,541
- What is that?
What would that look like?

317
00:19:07,576 --> 00:19:10,511
- I've hurt a lot of
my family members, man.

318
00:19:10,546 --> 00:19:13,712
They distance themselves from
me, they barely called me.

319
00:19:13,747 --> 00:19:14,944
- What are you angry about?

320
00:19:14,979 --> 00:19:17,551
- That could be a
sign of being afraid.

321
00:19:17,586 --> 00:19:20,554
- Listen, what are we afraid of?

322
00:19:20,589 --> 00:19:23,293
- They say, Black people
don't do shit like this.

323
00:19:24,362 --> 00:19:25,856
But we do, you know.

324
00:19:25,891 --> 00:19:27,308
Shit, I'm here and
I'm telling you,

325
00:19:27,332 --> 00:19:29,057
I can not do this by myself.

326
00:19:29,092 --> 00:19:31,235
I would have been
packed up and left.

327
00:19:31,270 --> 00:19:33,237
No shit, I been to
jail a few times

328
00:19:33,272 --> 00:19:34,766
because of fucking anger.

329
00:19:36,374 --> 00:19:38,704
I want that shit to stop here,
I wanna burry that here.

330
00:19:40,741 --> 00:19:43,137
I'm not taking that shit
with me going back home.

331
00:19:43,172 --> 00:19:44,908
- You're gonna bury it here.

332
00:19:44,943 --> 00:19:46,646
- I'm gonna burry it here.

333
00:19:46,681 --> 00:19:47,681
I'm ready.

334
00:20:00,563 --> 00:20:02,959
- I'm here to have
a clear vision

335
00:20:04,127 --> 00:20:06,666
in order to fulfill my purpose.

336
00:20:06,701 --> 00:20:08,096
I'm a dishwasher right now.

337
00:20:09,803 --> 00:20:13,035
And sometimes, people say
you have a master's degree,

338
00:20:13,070 --> 00:20:14,575
but you wash dishes.

339
00:20:16,579 --> 00:20:19,679
- I actually grew up
in Kalamazoo, Michigan

340
00:20:19,714 --> 00:20:21,554
and went all the way to
the Bronx in New York

341
00:20:21,584 --> 00:20:23,287
and moved in with my fiance.

342
00:20:24,620 --> 00:20:26,521
Couldn't find a job in New York.

343
00:20:26,556 --> 00:20:28,083
I went to the
unemployment office.

344
00:20:28,118 --> 00:20:30,789
"Good news is we
found a job for you,

345
00:20:30,824 --> 00:20:32,769
"but the bad news is, is
halfway across the country

346
00:20:32,793 --> 00:20:36,531
"in new Orleans, working with
FEMA for humanitarian efforts

347
00:20:36,566 --> 00:20:37,895
"helping rebuild."

348
00:20:40,669 --> 00:20:43,406
It was only supposed to
be a three month job.

349
00:20:43,441 --> 00:20:45,034
So I took it.

350
00:20:45,069 --> 00:20:47,080
It was kind of lonely because
all it pretty much did

351
00:20:47,104 --> 00:20:48,708
was work.

352
00:20:48,743 --> 00:20:50,380
And after about two
and a half months

353
00:20:50,415 --> 00:20:53,713
with some money saved
up to marry my fiance,

354
00:20:53,748 --> 00:20:57,112
I got a call, they told
me she had been deported.

355
00:20:57,147 --> 00:20:59,587
And it made me feel like
I wasn't never gonna

356
00:20:59,622 --> 00:21:03,690
actually be able to have one,
a wife or something at home.

357
00:21:05,991 --> 00:21:07,265
And I've been here ever since.

358
00:21:15,968 --> 00:21:17,979
A few times I had a girlfriend
that wasn't involved

359
00:21:18,003 --> 00:21:20,036
enough emotionally,
so they left me.

360
00:21:21,479 --> 00:21:22,999
That just made me
feel real isolated.

361
00:21:26,715 --> 00:21:28,616
I was kind of like a
person without feelings,

362
00:21:30,653 --> 00:21:31,619
a person without emotion.

363
00:21:31,654 --> 00:21:33,687
I had to shut them off.

364
00:21:33,722 --> 00:21:35,018
My sister ended up dying.

365
00:21:36,494 --> 00:21:39,022
She had cancer, but
no one knew about it.

366
00:21:39,057 --> 00:21:41,695
She finally got so sick
one day, she called 911.

367
00:21:43,864 --> 00:21:45,930
So the ambulance came
and picked her up.

368
00:21:45,965 --> 00:21:48,262
They took her to the hospital.

369
00:21:48,297 --> 00:21:49,538
Three weeks later she was gone.

370
00:21:49,573 --> 00:21:51,166
So it's pretty much
just me and mom.

371
00:21:51,201 --> 00:21:55,742
She was such an angel
that when she died,

372
00:22:00,419 --> 00:22:03,981
it was like I didn't cry because
she was actually supposed

373
00:22:04,016 --> 00:22:06,852
to be the one to
accomplish somethings.

374
00:22:08,592 --> 00:22:10,724
I was bad, I was extremely
bad during that time.

375
00:22:12,321 --> 00:22:13,661
I died when she was 10.

376
00:22:13,696 --> 00:22:15,333
So that was kind of sad.

377
00:22:17,227 --> 00:22:18,677
- I was sitting here
and I was wondering,

378
00:22:18,701 --> 00:22:21,130
what would it look
like if you were happy?

379
00:22:21,165 --> 00:22:23,836
What would your face look
like if you were happy?

380
00:22:25,444 --> 00:22:26,938
What do you think?

381
00:22:28,106 --> 00:22:29,710
Yeah.

382
00:22:29,745 --> 00:22:31,107
It's been a long time, yeah.

383
00:22:32,781 --> 00:22:35,078
My prayer is that I'll see
you coming down that mountain

384
00:22:35,113 --> 00:22:36,552
with a big smile on your face.

385
00:22:39,183 --> 00:22:43,493
That that vision
doesn't have to be work,

386
00:22:43,528 --> 00:22:45,891
it doesn't have to be suffering,

387
00:22:45,926 --> 00:22:47,255
it doesn't have to be pain.

388
00:22:49,193 --> 00:22:52,128
But that vision
also includes joy.

389
00:22:55,738 --> 00:22:57,298
You know where that
joy lives in you.

390
00:22:58,774 --> 00:23:00,642
Lost it, yeah, yeah.

391
00:23:07,948 --> 00:23:12,049
- I no longer gave a
damn about anything.

392
00:23:12,084 --> 00:23:13,084
Yeah, I have...

393
00:23:14,284 --> 00:23:16,592
Oh my God, I can't
tell you how many times

394
00:23:16,627 --> 00:23:19,595
I've tried to commit suicide
and have been pissed off

395
00:23:19,630 --> 00:23:23,390
when it didn't work.

396
00:23:23,425 --> 00:23:25,271
I mean, now I look back and
I just see it as a blessing,

397
00:23:25,295 --> 00:23:29,066
but it really took a lot.

398
00:23:30,234 --> 00:23:32,542
It's been ugly.

399
00:23:32,577 --> 00:23:35,402
Lots of hard
conversations with myself,

400
00:23:35,437 --> 00:23:38,581
things that I've done and
things that I'm not proud of.

401
00:23:38,616 --> 00:23:42,618
I need to be at peace with
everything that has happened

402
00:23:42,653 --> 00:23:47,491
and I need to just kind of
get back in check with myself

403
00:23:47,526 --> 00:23:51,319
and just remind myself that
I am worthy and I am good

404
00:23:51,354 --> 00:23:55,125
and I do deserve good
and let go of all the stuff

405
00:23:55,160 --> 00:23:57,765
that I've been carrying.

406
00:23:59,263 --> 00:24:03,265
And just kind of be able
to accept that I'm enough.

407
00:24:09,515 --> 00:24:12,912
- I gotta breathe
before it came out.

408
00:24:12,947 --> 00:24:16,047
I was really close
to killing myself

409
00:24:22,319 --> 00:24:24,792
and I don't know why.

410
00:24:24,827 --> 00:24:26,707
The only thing that kept
me from doing it was,

411
00:24:28,864 --> 00:24:31,535
I talked to my
therapist and he said,

412
00:24:31,570 --> 00:24:33,163
"Well, you know what
happened to you,

413
00:24:34,463 --> 00:24:35,968
"you know statistics.

414
00:24:36,003 --> 00:24:39,367
"Kill yourself, your children
increases by tenfold."

415
00:24:42,042 --> 00:24:45,516
So I stayed here and I was like.

416
00:24:50,050 --> 00:24:51,050
So I've said it out loud.

417
00:24:52,756 --> 00:24:56,021
And I haven't talked
to my wife about it yet

418
00:24:56,056 --> 00:24:58,661
'cause I feel like she's
taken on too much for me.

419
00:25:00,599 --> 00:25:03,127
- There comes a point
where we've gotta stand up

420
00:25:03,162 --> 00:25:04,359
or kill ourselves.

421
00:25:04,394 --> 00:25:06,196
I don't want you
fucking dead, man.

422
00:25:06,231 --> 00:25:09,166
You got that,
don't fucking do that.

423
00:25:11,874 --> 00:25:13,335
You're too important.

424
00:25:13,370 --> 00:25:14,710
Don't fuck with it.

425
00:25:16,945 --> 00:25:17,945
Yeah.

426
00:25:32,455 --> 00:25:34,994
- You go into your solo time.
There'll be some taboos.

427
00:25:35,029 --> 00:25:38,734
No food, no company

428
00:25:38,769 --> 00:25:40,901
and minimal shelter.

429
00:25:40,936 --> 00:25:43,332
- You will find someone
within this group.

430
00:25:43,367 --> 00:25:46,269
Your partner,
teammate, rock buddy.

431
00:25:47,976 --> 00:25:50,240
- My rock buddy and I made
a circle out of little rocks

432
00:25:50,275 --> 00:25:52,616
on the ground that
was our communication.

433
00:25:52,651 --> 00:25:55,212
Every morning,
Josh would put a rock inside

434
00:25:55,247 --> 00:25:58,380
and every afternoon I would come

435
00:25:58,415 --> 00:26:00,426
and I would check to make
sure that Josh put his rock.

436
00:26:00,450 --> 00:26:01,856
Yes, he did.

437
00:26:01,891 --> 00:26:03,792
He was alive this
morning, okay, good.

438
00:26:03,827 --> 00:26:05,959
And then I would put my rock in.

439
00:26:05,994 --> 00:26:07,400
By the end of the time there
would be for Josh rocks

440
00:26:07,424 --> 00:26:08,863
and four Chris rocks.

441
00:26:08,898 --> 00:26:11,360
And if at any point
I'd gone to the circle

442
00:26:11,395 --> 00:26:14,968
and he hadn't put his rock,
I would go check on him.

443
00:26:15,003 --> 00:26:17,872
You're gonna shoot for drinking
a gallon of water a day.

444
00:26:17,907 --> 00:26:20,138
If you're hungry, drink water

445
00:26:20,173 --> 00:26:22,338
and if you're not
hungry, drink water.

446
00:26:23,979 --> 00:26:26,309
If you're feeling dizzy and
nauseous and overheated,

447
00:26:26,344 --> 00:26:28,542
it's time to get in the shade.

448
00:26:28,577 --> 00:26:29,895
It's time to get
that bandana wet

449
00:26:29,919 --> 00:26:31,226
and put it around your
neck and try to drop

450
00:26:31,250 --> 00:26:33,052
your body temperature down.

451
00:26:33,087 --> 00:26:35,659
- It comes on pretty slowly,

452
00:26:35,694 --> 00:26:38,387
but then it can
be really serious.

453
00:26:38,422 --> 00:26:39,905
You'll start sweating
and eventually you'll get

454
00:26:39,929 --> 00:26:42,127
to the place where you
actually stopped sweating

455
00:26:42,162 --> 00:26:43,326
and then get dry.

456
00:26:43,361 --> 00:26:44,767
That's a very serious point

457
00:26:44,802 --> 00:26:47,330
- In the unlikely off
chance that you are in fact,

458
00:26:47,365 --> 00:26:49,167
bitten by a rattlesnake,

459
00:26:49,202 --> 00:26:53,677
thank it for sharing
its magic with you

460
00:26:53,712 --> 00:26:55,910
'cause that will be
a rite of passage

461
00:26:55,945 --> 00:26:58,649
in and of itself

462
00:26:58,684 --> 00:27:02,510
and make your way back to camp

463
00:27:02,545 --> 00:27:07,185
or simply sit in place and
blow your whistle three times.

464
00:27:07,220 --> 00:27:09,154
- If you have suicidal
thoughts out there,

465
00:27:10,861 --> 00:27:13,862
if you start thinking about
checking out of this life

466
00:27:13,897 --> 00:27:18,460
while you're out there,
that is a medical emergency

467
00:27:18,495 --> 00:27:20,836
just like if you fell off
a cliff and broke your leg.

468
00:27:20,871 --> 00:27:22,838
And I know we're
all gonna be facing

469
00:27:22,873 --> 00:27:26,842
some really difficult things
and some demons might come up

470
00:27:26,877 --> 00:27:28,712
and try to tell us to do things,

471
00:27:30,848 --> 00:27:32,177
that would be a safety issue.

472
00:27:33,543 --> 00:27:35,785
- And so this
four days out there

473
00:27:35,820 --> 00:27:38,117
is a journey of self exploration
and a journey of spirit.

474
00:27:38,152 --> 00:27:39,613
It is a journey of oneself

475
00:27:39,648 --> 00:27:42,022
and we will encounter
the demons.

476
00:28:47,089 --> 00:28:48,583
- What is your greatest fear

477
00:28:48,618 --> 00:28:50,222
and what would
bring you back in?

478
00:28:50,257 --> 00:28:52,323
- My greatest fear
is to be alone.

479
00:28:55,262 --> 00:28:58,934
- My greatest fear
is the unknown.

480
00:28:58,969 --> 00:29:01,871
- I'm very scared of success.

481
00:29:01,906 --> 00:29:05,237
- My biggest fear would
be that I'd be too afraid

482
00:29:05,272 --> 00:29:08,438
to step into the person
that I'm going to be.

483
00:29:08,473 --> 00:29:12,046
- Greatest fear will
be out of everything,

484
00:29:12,081 --> 00:29:14,081
not being able to come back down

485
00:29:14,116 --> 00:29:16,820
accomplishing what I need
to accomplish up there.

486
00:29:16,855 --> 00:29:18,415
- Stuff that would
bring me back down.

487
00:29:19,825 --> 00:29:23,420
If all the horns start
honking in the camp,

488
00:29:23,455 --> 00:29:25,928
I would be
hauling ass down here.

489
00:29:25,963 --> 00:29:28,590
- The only thing that
would bring me back

490
00:29:28,625 --> 00:29:32,264
is if there was whistles
blowing, medical emergency.

491
00:29:32,299 --> 00:29:34,398
- Nothing's gonna
make me come back

492
00:29:34,433 --> 00:29:37,005
unless it's a major catastrophe.

493
00:29:37,040 --> 00:29:39,733
I'm staying until I
have to come back.

494
00:29:39,768 --> 00:29:42,175
- As far as bringing you
back in, I don't know.

495
00:29:43,882 --> 00:29:45,310
The demons are
pretty fucking big.

496
00:29:46,775 --> 00:29:49,149
- What would bring me
back down is the demons.

497
00:29:51,351 --> 00:29:54,187
I'm hoping that they are
friendly than they have been.

498
00:29:55,960 --> 00:29:57,894
- What would bring me
down here is the unknown.

499
00:30:01,031 --> 00:30:04,263
- What would bring me back
down would be medical issue.

500
00:30:04,298 --> 00:30:07,497
- The only thing that
could bring me back down

501
00:30:07,532 --> 00:30:10,566
is if you guys come
up here and get me.

502
00:30:12,240 --> 00:30:15,010
- It's gonna be
pretty darn serious

503
00:30:15,045 --> 00:30:17,441
for me to come back down, it's
gonna be life-threatening.

504
00:30:17,476 --> 00:30:20,983
Other than that, I'm
not gonna see you guys

505
00:30:21,018 --> 00:30:22,018
until that fifth morning.

506
00:30:24,417 --> 00:30:28,716
- It's time for some last
hugs and saying goodbye.

507
00:30:28,751 --> 00:30:31,257
And once we're done
with that, off you go.

508
00:30:38,695 --> 00:30:40,211
- And when you feel
ready, one at a time,

509
00:30:40,235 --> 00:30:43,467
step into the circle so that
Chris and I can send you off.

510
00:30:43,502 --> 00:30:44,974
Yeah, come on.

511
00:30:45,009 --> 00:30:47,042
Once you're smudged out,
collect your things

512
00:30:47,077 --> 00:30:48,109
and make your way up.

513
00:32:44,359 --> 00:32:48,262
- Rites of passage, there's
one of those fundamental things

514
00:32:48,297 --> 00:32:50,297
is missing in our culture now.

515
00:32:50,332 --> 00:32:53,894
We've lost that ability to
mark important events in life.

516
00:32:55,799 --> 00:32:58,217
And along with that, we've lost
a lot of the meaning in life.

517
00:32:58,241 --> 00:33:00,340
We've lost ritual and ceremony.

518
00:33:04,049 --> 00:33:08,216
- Threshold, the threshold
where we separate

519
00:33:08,251 --> 00:33:10,977
the wheat from the
chaff is painful

520
00:33:11,012 --> 00:33:14,453
and it's meant to be so
in some ways.

521
00:33:14,488 --> 00:33:18,226
An opportunity without those
distractions and without food

522
00:33:18,261 --> 00:33:22,296
to become closer to
ourselves, to turn inward.

523
00:33:22,331 --> 00:33:24,661
- The time of going
into the darkness,

524
00:33:24,696 --> 00:33:28,137
going into the deepest
part of our psyche.

525
00:33:28,172 --> 00:33:30,370
You're moving from
this material world

526
00:33:30,405 --> 00:33:32,405
into that more liminal
or spiritual world

527
00:33:32,440 --> 00:33:34,968
where a tree can
talk back to you,

528
00:33:35,003 --> 00:33:37,707
a rock and say stuff to
you and you can listen.

529
00:33:39,678 --> 00:33:42,580
It is the time of the beginning
of the great shifting.

530
00:33:46,916 --> 00:33:50,786
- My plan and goal
on this four day fast

531
00:33:53,197 --> 00:33:54,691
is to

532
00:33:59,368 --> 00:34:01,027
emotionally and spiritually

533
00:34:01,062 --> 00:34:05,240
die and be reborn.

534
00:34:06,804 --> 00:34:09,706
- Let me bring you
over to my cave.

535
00:34:11,809 --> 00:34:13,083
I have four gallons of water.

536
00:34:16,319 --> 00:34:20,288
I'm using my
backpack as a pillow,

537
00:34:20,323 --> 00:34:23,984
got my old TG hat on the go.

538
00:34:25,493 --> 00:34:28,725
Also whenever I need
to address real quick,

539
00:34:28,760 --> 00:34:30,364
I got a set of clothes.

540
00:34:30,399 --> 00:34:32,630
Hopefully they stay dry.

541
00:34:32,665 --> 00:34:36,568
That's my home for
the next four days.

542
00:34:36,603 --> 00:34:40,803
It's not the prettiest, but
it keeps me out of the sun.

543
00:34:40,838 --> 00:34:45,610
- Finally got a tarp up
and took a nice nap.

544
00:34:48,252 --> 00:34:49,252
And it's hot.

545
00:35:20,779 --> 00:35:22,515
- I'll pretty much
be set up here.

546
00:35:26,653 --> 00:35:30,160
Parent call upon those
ancestors in the land

547
00:35:32,197 --> 00:35:35,330
and mother nature for
guidance and safety.

548
00:35:39,061 --> 00:35:43,866
The rocks, the hill,
the low ground,

549
00:35:47,069 --> 00:35:51,973
the green pasture is
definitely a blessing.

550
00:35:52,008 --> 00:35:54,547
- This is peaceful as heck.

551
00:35:54,582 --> 00:35:56,516
Can't say fun,
but it's very peaceful.

552
00:35:58,223 --> 00:35:59,849
You take a look around.

553
00:36:02,227 --> 00:36:05,228
As you can see, we're in the
middle of fucking nowhere.

554
00:36:06,759 --> 00:36:08,671
- But I just keep walking
because sitting around

555
00:36:08,695 --> 00:36:12,169
thinking about food is worse.

556
00:36:14,536 --> 00:36:18,538
- The biblical

557
00:36:18,573 --> 00:36:23,345
and middle Eastern

558
00:36:24,447 --> 00:36:26,172
prophets.

559
00:36:26,207 --> 00:36:28,581
Most of them had
the journey through the desert.

560
00:36:29,881 --> 00:36:32,387
Jesus fasted 40 days, 40 nights.

561
00:36:34,083 --> 00:36:38,855
The Buddha, he fasted,

562
00:36:38,890 --> 00:36:41,891
Prophet Mohammed,
so many others.

563
00:36:41,926 --> 00:36:43,992
Different religions,
different spiritual,

564
00:36:44,027 --> 00:36:46,060
cultural traditions.

565
00:37:05,081 --> 00:37:09,017
- I spent eight
years in the Navy,

566
00:37:09,052 --> 00:37:11,921
experienced a whole lot
of different things,

567
00:37:11,956 --> 00:37:15,397
that shipwrecks, watching
people get crushed

568
00:37:15,432 --> 00:37:18,961
and being part of
moving body parts,

569
00:37:18,996 --> 00:37:23,273
pulling the flesh arm out
of a socket of a torso,

570
00:37:23,308 --> 00:37:27,541
seeing people chopped in
half and guts falling out.

571
00:37:27,576 --> 00:37:29,807
But you don't go down to medical

572
00:37:29,842 --> 00:37:32,744
and say that you
haven't dreams of shit.

573
00:37:32,779 --> 00:37:34,042
You know what I'm saying?

574
00:37:34,077 --> 00:37:37,210
If you go down, you're
a punk, you're weak.

575
00:37:37,245 --> 00:37:38,816
This is what they'd tell you.

576
00:37:38,851 --> 00:37:42,655
Forget what you just did,
there's nothing wrong with you.

577
00:37:44,021 --> 00:37:45,541
You a pussy if you
go to the medical.

578
00:37:46,529 --> 00:37:48,056
I just saw this little girl

579
00:37:48,091 --> 00:37:50,267
that appears to
be five years old.

580
00:37:51,699 --> 00:37:53,512
I see the expression on
this little kid's face

581
00:37:53,536 --> 00:37:56,768
because rigor mortis set
in and they were in pain

582
00:37:56,803 --> 00:37:58,572
when they died.

583
00:37:58,607 --> 00:37:59,639
How am I weak?

584
00:38:00,873 --> 00:38:03,478
This guy, his face, his head.

585
00:38:05,174 --> 00:38:09,451
I gotta pick up somebody's
head that the last expression

586
00:38:09,486 --> 00:38:11,783
on their face,
I'm looking at it.

587
00:38:11,818 --> 00:38:13,521
So how the hell are
you gonna tell me

588
00:38:13,556 --> 00:38:14,852
that that's not real?

589
00:38:14,887 --> 00:38:16,854
That forget about
it in three days.

590
00:38:18,858 --> 00:38:22,662
Civilians say, "Oh,
you signed up for that."

591
00:38:22,697 --> 00:38:25,335
You got dick heads
that say that.

592
00:38:25,370 --> 00:38:30,197
"That's what you signed up
for, then you deal with it.

593
00:38:30,232 --> 00:38:32,639
"You don't need to get
a check every month for that."

594
00:38:36,172 --> 00:38:39,514
- When you become
baptized in fire

595
00:38:40,880 --> 00:38:44,310
from being on suicide
missions in Iraq,

596
00:38:44,345 --> 00:38:47,280
sometimes you can have
a look in your eye

597
00:38:47,315 --> 00:38:50,624
that only the people who were
actually on the ground with you

598
00:38:50,659 --> 00:38:53,726
and that survive can understand.

599
00:38:55,598 --> 00:39:00,029
We had been training day
and night to cut off emotions,

600
00:39:00,064 --> 00:39:03,571
cut off feeling pain
in order to survive.

601
00:39:05,003 --> 00:39:07,410
When those memories come,
people look at me

602
00:39:07,445 --> 00:39:09,577
like what's going on.

603
00:39:11,878 --> 00:39:15,209
Non veterans can normalize
the veteran experience

604
00:39:15,244 --> 00:39:17,915
by hearing veterans
talk about their experiences.

605
00:39:19,347 --> 00:39:22,425
And so then non veterans
don't give you the look

606
00:39:22,460 --> 00:39:23,855
out the side of their eyes

607
00:39:28,191 --> 00:39:30,664
when you may have
a moment of anxiety,

608
00:39:30,699 --> 00:39:33,293
when you have those
combat memories.

609
00:39:43,712 --> 00:39:47,142
- All right, everybody
is day one, night one.

610
00:39:53,084 --> 00:39:54,248
It's pretty dark.

611
00:39:56,758 --> 00:39:59,429
I'm not afraid of
nothing too much.

612
00:40:04,799 --> 00:40:06,392
I got my Boonie knife

613
00:40:06,427 --> 00:40:08,438
on guard

614
00:40:10,937 --> 00:40:14,543
in case somebody try
to come and get my ass.

615
00:40:14,578 --> 00:40:16,776
I guess the coyotes are here.

616
00:40:18,109 --> 00:40:19,878
That shit don't
bother me at all.

617
00:40:19,913 --> 00:40:21,946
So that's it for tonight.

618
00:40:26,282 --> 00:40:27,282
Catch y'all later.

619
00:40:47,171 --> 00:40:49,303
Good morning y'all.

620
00:40:49,338 --> 00:40:53,175
Has beautiful morning to
make it over overnight.

621
00:40:55,520 --> 00:41:00,215
Last night, it was
somewhat little scary

622
00:41:01,856 --> 00:41:06,254
and also somewhat fearful

623
00:41:06,289 --> 00:41:10,159
and fearless all
at the same time.

624
00:41:12,196 --> 00:41:15,670
Those materialistic
things in the world,

625
00:41:15,705 --> 00:41:17,232
it don't even matter here.

626
00:41:19,005 --> 00:41:23,205
That you appreciate
who you love,

627
00:41:23,240 --> 00:41:26,010
who you cherish

628
00:41:26,045 --> 00:41:27,045
and what's important.

629
00:41:31,556 --> 00:41:34,854
- The first explosion was a
1500 pound vehicle born IED.

630
00:41:37,320 --> 00:41:39,892
I froze, I couldn't
call up on the radio

631
00:41:39,927 --> 00:41:42,862
that my buddy had died.

632
00:41:42,897 --> 00:41:46,701
And I had to pull security

633
00:41:46,736 --> 00:41:51,134
and do my job when he's dying.

634
00:41:51,169 --> 00:41:53,070
There's nothing
I can do for him.

635
00:41:53,105 --> 00:41:55,644
And then on the other side,
there were women

636
00:41:55,679 --> 00:41:57,580
that were sweeping
their driveways that day

637
00:41:57,615 --> 00:42:00,077
and the children were
walking home from school

638
00:42:00,112 --> 00:42:01,584
and they're lying dead.

639
00:42:03,511 --> 00:42:06,182
And they're screaming
and crowds are coming.

640
00:42:08,120 --> 00:42:10,186
From that day on,
my heart was broken

641
00:42:12,861 --> 00:42:17,765
and it was about
just doing my job

642
00:42:17,800 --> 00:42:21,901
to the best that I could.

643
00:42:21,936 --> 00:42:24,607
Pretty shortly after I
was diagnosed with PTSD.

644
00:42:27,909 --> 00:42:30,778
I still hear those kids
screaming that day.

645
00:43:21,765 --> 00:43:26,394
- Being out here in nature

646
00:43:26,429 --> 00:43:28,528
definitely has taken a
different effect on me,

647
00:43:32,875 --> 00:43:35,502
medically reducing my
post-traumatic stress.

648
00:43:36,813 --> 00:43:41,607
I haven't had any anxiety,

649
00:43:41,642 --> 00:43:43,477
any depression.

650
00:43:43,512 --> 00:43:45,479
I must admit though,
it is a bit lonely.

651
00:43:56,459 --> 00:43:58,107
- We spent a couple of
hours talking to him

652
00:43:58,131 --> 00:44:00,769
and really getting down
deep into what's the fear,

653
00:44:00,804 --> 00:44:02,364
what is it.

654
00:44:03,708 --> 00:44:05,180
Sitting at the edge
of the cliff there,

655
00:44:05,204 --> 00:44:08,469
about to throw himself off,
did the best we could

656
00:44:08,504 --> 00:44:12,143
to let him know that this
is the place he needs to be.

657
00:44:12,178 --> 00:44:13,375
And if he leaves early,

658
00:44:13,410 --> 00:44:15,179
he's not getting what
he needs to get.

659
00:44:15,214 --> 00:44:18,116
At one point it was,
"So you guys are gonna try.

660
00:44:18,151 --> 00:44:19,623
"You're gonna sit here
and tell you think

661
00:44:19,647 --> 00:44:21,328
"you're gonna convince
me, well you're not."

662
00:44:21,352 --> 00:44:22,857
And I said,
"Yeah, I get it, man.

663
00:44:22,892 --> 00:44:24,254
"I've been there."

664
00:44:26,060 --> 00:44:28,489
And so we worked as hard
as we could a long time

665
00:44:28,524 --> 00:44:32,064
and there was never
an inch of an opening.

666
00:44:32,099 --> 00:44:34,495
Told him we'll hold
him here in base camp.

667
00:44:34,530 --> 00:44:38,972
And if he gets halfway
home and realizes

668
00:44:39,007 --> 00:44:40,743
that he hadn't
done his work yet,

669
00:44:42,340 --> 00:44:43,977
always welcome to come back

670
00:44:44,012 --> 00:44:45,913
and finish off the ceremony

671
00:44:45,948 --> 00:44:47,882
in any way that
feels appropriate

672
00:44:47,917 --> 00:44:49,818
and just wishing him
the very, very best.

673
00:44:49,853 --> 00:44:51,677
That's all we could do.

674
00:44:51,712 --> 00:44:54,482
20 years I've been
around this ceremony

675
00:44:54,517 --> 00:44:58,123
and 18 years of actively
leading these things.

676
00:45:00,226 --> 00:45:01,335
I've never had anybody
actually leave.

677
00:45:01,359 --> 00:45:02,359
And boy, it hit me.

678
00:45:02,393 --> 00:45:04,129
It still hits me

679
00:45:12,942 --> 00:45:14,601
- How are y'all doing?

680
00:45:16,440 --> 00:45:17,538
Still day two.

681
00:45:20,114 --> 00:45:22,818
The sun is hot as hell.

682
00:45:25,251 --> 00:45:27,581
It's burning out hot.

683
00:45:31,389 --> 00:45:33,719
- I wanna get in
that water so bad.

684
00:45:33,754 --> 00:45:38,691
Sitting at my little shelter

685
00:45:38,726 --> 00:45:40,968
gets pretty boring.

686
00:45:41,003 --> 00:45:43,234
And then my mind gets
all on how I want food

687
00:45:43,269 --> 00:45:46,105
and wonder what am I
doing here and all that.

688
00:46:05,830 --> 00:46:08,127
I'm going over a lot of things.

689
00:46:09,460 --> 00:46:14,397
It's nice to be alone,

690
00:46:14,432 --> 00:46:19,435
but not isolated.

691
00:46:19,470 --> 00:46:21,976
When I'm in the city, I can hide

692
00:46:24,772 --> 00:46:29,445
with thousands of people
around and uncomfortable

693
00:46:29,480 --> 00:46:32,184
and scared and don't
wanna be there.

694
00:46:32,219 --> 00:46:36,155
Out here, I'm alone

695
00:46:36,190 --> 00:46:37,552
and I'm happy.

696
00:46:41,998 --> 00:46:44,328
I think work taught
me that people,

697
00:46:44,363 --> 00:46:48,871
humans can be
scary, really scary.

698
00:46:55,803 --> 00:46:58,012
I can defend from this

699
00:46:58,047 --> 00:47:00,509
if anything was
gonna come this way.

700
00:47:04,218 --> 00:47:06,955
I set this booby trap stick up.

701
00:47:06,990 --> 00:47:09,056
If they knock it down, I hear.

702
00:47:12,028 --> 00:47:13,962
And ain't the best,
but I'm damn sure

703
00:47:13,997 --> 00:47:15,931
something better than nothing.

704
00:47:17,429 --> 00:47:19,759
Nature's definitely talking.

705
00:47:24,535 --> 00:47:26,568
Those rocks and those
trees over there,

706
00:47:28,011 --> 00:47:30,176
they knew I was there.

707
00:47:30,211 --> 00:47:31,491
I started hearing a funny noise.

708
00:47:35,348 --> 00:47:37,051
I feel something around me.

709
00:47:37,086 --> 00:47:39,713
I always got this
thought or something

710
00:47:39,748 --> 00:47:41,583
looking at me watching me.

711
00:47:43,257 --> 00:47:47,721
I can't see it but I can
sure make them hear me.

712
00:48:03,640 --> 00:48:07,950
- I've decided to
dedicate day three fasting

713
00:48:07,985 --> 00:48:12,020
to find true purpose
for me returning

714
00:48:12,055 --> 00:48:14,451
back to United States

715
00:48:14,486 --> 00:48:18,455
from Iraq, Afghanistan, and
being placed back into society.

716
00:48:20,162 --> 00:48:23,295
I must admit after 12 years,

717
00:48:23,330 --> 00:48:25,462
it's been very confusing

718
00:48:25,497 --> 00:48:28,729
as to how I was supposed to

719
00:48:28,764 --> 00:48:31,204
go back to the community

720
00:48:31,239 --> 00:48:32,601
to return home.

721
00:48:52,854 --> 00:48:55,822
- It was definitely
clear this morning.

722
00:48:55,857 --> 00:48:58,660
I was honestly done on day two.

723
00:48:58,695 --> 00:49:02,004
- This ceremony
is 40,000 years old.

724
00:49:02,039 --> 00:49:06,503
Four days, gives time for
this stuff to sink deeply

725
00:49:06,538 --> 00:49:09,737
through our heads
and our brains and our hearts

726
00:49:09,772 --> 00:49:13,609
and our groins all the
way down into the earth.

727
00:49:13,644 --> 00:49:18,647
- I do respect the tradition,

728
00:49:18,682 --> 00:49:22,123
but something inside
just feels it's ready.

729
00:49:22,158 --> 00:49:26,193
- What about the peace of coming
in with the rest of that tribe?

730
00:49:26,228 --> 00:49:28,268
- I don't know, it's not
about them, it's about me.

731
00:49:31,068 --> 00:49:34,960
And as much as I would love
to come back in with them,

732
00:49:34,995 --> 00:49:38,469
I feel like it is my ceremony.

733
00:49:38,504 --> 00:49:41,934
- To me, it's becoming
the collective theme,

734
00:49:41,969 --> 00:49:45,179
is the self love

735
00:49:45,214 --> 00:49:47,049
and taking care of yourself.

736
00:49:47,084 --> 00:49:49,513
And I really wanna honor
that that's where you are

737
00:49:49,548 --> 00:49:51,944
or you've sucked it up enough.

738
00:49:51,979 --> 00:49:54,056
You have sucked it up
enough and I trust and honor

739
00:49:54,091 --> 00:49:56,355
who you are and who
you're becoming.

740
00:49:56,390 --> 00:49:59,523
- I am a strong leader
who is loving,

741
00:49:59,558 --> 00:50:00,689
passionate,

742
00:50:00,724 --> 00:50:02,130
who cares greatly

743
00:50:02,165 --> 00:50:04,033
for those around them,

744
00:50:04,068 --> 00:50:06,002
especially his adult self.

745
00:50:13,110 --> 00:50:14,549
- He's got traumatic
brain injuries.

746
00:50:14,573 --> 00:50:18,047
The chances of seizure
with traumatic brain injury

747
00:50:18,082 --> 00:50:21,149
are increased dramatically
when you don't sleep.

748
00:50:21,184 --> 00:50:23,085
And he wants to do an
all night vigil tonight,

749
00:50:23,120 --> 00:50:25,549
so he wants to be closed.

750
00:50:54,041 --> 00:50:56,382
- I wanna say fuck racist.

751
00:50:56,417 --> 00:50:59,913
Fuck you racist
bitches in America.

752
00:50:59,948 --> 00:51:03,048
Fuck all you cock sucking
son of a bitches.

753
00:51:03,083 --> 00:51:06,788
I swear to God, I wish I
can line all you racist,

754
00:51:06,823 --> 00:51:09,593
pussy ass motherfuckers up.

755
00:51:09,628 --> 00:51:14,202
I motherfucking goddamn
served my country,

756
00:51:14,237 --> 00:51:16,864
served it fucking
honorably and you fuck me

757
00:51:16,899 --> 00:51:19,372
because I'm fucking Black.

758
00:51:19,407 --> 00:51:21,473
Fuck you.

759
00:51:21,508 --> 00:51:24,212
Fuck you, you son of a bitch.

760
00:51:24,247 --> 00:51:27,149
I can't stand you,
pussy ass motherfuckers.

761
00:51:27,184 --> 00:51:29,943
Fuck all you racist
son of a bitches.

762
00:51:29,978 --> 00:51:33,584
Fuck all y'all, I can't
fucking stand y'all.

763
00:51:33,619 --> 00:51:36,785
You don't want a Black
man with shit around here.

764
00:51:36,820 --> 00:51:38,985
You give us this fucking much,

765
00:51:39,020 --> 00:51:41,922
but then you take
this fucking much.

766
00:51:41,957 --> 00:51:44,265
It's all about money.

767
00:51:44,300 --> 00:51:49,094
We put our life on the
line so you can stand up

768
00:51:49,129 --> 00:51:50,139
and fuck us in the ass.

769
00:51:51,934 --> 00:51:54,605
We fucking served our country,

770
00:51:54,640 --> 00:51:57,102
we love our fucking country.

771
00:51:57,137 --> 00:51:59,709
We know we have freedom,
but we ain't free.

772
00:52:04,012 --> 00:52:06,012
We're not free
in our own country.

773
00:52:08,016 --> 00:52:10,115
I've got some for you fuck ass

774
00:52:10,150 --> 00:52:13,987
'cause I'm gone goddamn make
it here, I'm gonna succeed.

775
00:52:14,022 --> 00:52:17,133
If you like it or not,
I'm talking to you.

776
00:52:29,642 --> 00:52:33,314
- I don't think I could do
this if I wouldn't have found

777
00:52:33,349 --> 00:52:37,516
my own meditation and
mindfulness practice before,

778
00:52:37,551 --> 00:52:41,322
and I really helped just
being in the moment.

779
00:52:41,357 --> 00:52:45,018
Sometimes even just
walking and just focusing

780
00:52:45,053 --> 00:52:48,329
on right, left, right,
left, right, left.

781
00:52:51,268 --> 00:52:53,169
Not letting my mind
get too far from here.

782
00:53:10,947 --> 00:53:15,587
- The whole time I was in
Iraq, I worked at night

783
00:53:15,622 --> 00:53:18,722
and we were mortared
all the time.

784
00:53:18,757 --> 00:53:20,658
I worked the volunteer
hospital service,

785
00:53:20,693 --> 00:53:23,232
seeing soldiers come in.

786
00:53:23,267 --> 00:53:26,367
Citizens, kids just blown up.

787
00:53:28,129 --> 00:53:30,437
One night we were there
and we're watching DVDs

788
00:53:30,472 --> 00:53:32,901
in this waiting room
also when we got the call,

789
00:53:32,936 --> 00:53:35,508
okay, incoming,
incoming, wounded.

790
00:53:35,543 --> 00:53:37,840
And we'd go out to cart these
people off the helicopter.

791
00:53:37,875 --> 00:53:42,680
And one of them is burned with
a black bag over his head,

792
00:53:42,715 --> 00:53:44,583
handcuffed, wounded.

793
00:53:44,618 --> 00:53:47,113
And we put him in the corner
in the waiting room.

794
00:53:47,148 --> 00:53:51,392
So here's this human,
the black bag over his head

795
00:53:52,626 --> 00:53:55,561
curled up in the corner,

796
00:53:55,596 --> 00:53:59,026
hogtied while people are
watching a sitcom

797
00:53:59,061 --> 00:54:01,270
on the TV laughing.

798
00:54:02,999 --> 00:54:06,099
That imprinted on me

799
00:54:06,134 --> 00:54:09,806
confusion,

800
00:54:09,841 --> 00:54:11,137
what are we doing.

801
00:54:15,275 --> 00:54:17,319
- When I'm laying down,
trying to go to sleep

802
00:54:17,354 --> 00:54:20,487
when everything is quiet

803
00:54:20,522 --> 00:54:22,555
and I don't have other things

804
00:54:22,590 --> 00:54:25,085
distracting my mind from war,

805
00:54:25,120 --> 00:54:27,626
I would say my average
hours of sleep,

806
00:54:27,661 --> 00:54:30,959
it'll probably be
about four and a half.

807
00:54:33,293 --> 00:54:35,799
When we were staying in
Baghdad international airport,

808
00:54:35,834 --> 00:54:38,340
mortars almost used to
hit us all the time.

809
00:54:40,300 --> 00:54:44,137
So I began to learn how
to actually get sleep

810
00:54:44,172 --> 00:54:45,842
with bombs going off.

811
00:54:47,450 --> 00:54:49,747
One of those mornings
actually came in and hit,

812
00:54:49,782 --> 00:54:51,243
I wouldn't be able to wake up.

813
00:54:51,278 --> 00:54:53,179
My buddy Morales
he might've been killed,

814
00:54:53,214 --> 00:54:55,819
I might've been killed.

815
00:54:55,854 --> 00:54:58,789
So sometimes I just lay there
and think about like

816
00:54:58,824 --> 00:55:01,330
how come none of those
motors never actually hit.

817
00:55:01,365 --> 00:55:04,025
Like, damn, why am I
such a lucky bastard?

818
00:56:18,706 --> 00:56:22,609
- I was able to meet demons
that are following me.

819
00:56:23,975 --> 00:56:28,945
And before I engaged

820
00:56:28,980 --> 00:56:32,113
in battle with them,

821
00:56:32,148 --> 00:56:36,953
I invited them

822
00:56:36,988 --> 00:56:38,559
to a cup of water.

823
00:56:46,602 --> 00:56:47,964
What a cool sunset.

824
00:56:51,002 --> 00:56:54,300
Went for a very long walk

825
00:56:54,335 --> 00:56:56,742
today in the midday sun,

826
00:56:56,777 --> 00:57:00,911
which was probably
not the smartest idea

827
00:57:00,946 --> 00:57:05,212
but I just needed to wander

828
00:57:05,247 --> 00:57:09,920
and saw a beautiful hawk

829
00:57:09,955 --> 00:57:13,088
that followed me
for about 45 minutes.

830
00:57:13,123 --> 00:57:16,663
Everybody should try to do
this once in their life.

831
00:57:16,698 --> 00:57:19,831
Just know that you can.

832
00:59:07,072 --> 00:59:08,577
- Everything is calm.

833
00:59:19,920 --> 00:59:22,415
- I finally made it to day five.

834
00:59:22,450 --> 00:59:25,484
To be completely honest,

835
00:59:28,324 --> 00:59:30,555
I don't know how I made it.

836
00:59:30,590 --> 00:59:34,163
I'm thankful for
being able to enlist

837
00:59:35,903 --> 00:59:37,331
in the United States army.

838
00:59:38,741 --> 00:59:42,039
It was actually an honor
to go serve in Iraq,

839
00:59:42,074 --> 00:59:44,206
to serve in Afghanistan.

840
00:59:44,241 --> 00:59:47,440
However, I didn't know

841
00:59:47,475 --> 00:59:51,378
that after I was
honorably discharged,

842
00:59:51,413 --> 00:59:54,887
I would one day have
post-traumatic stress

843
00:59:54,922 --> 00:59:57,384
and deal with more injury.

844
00:59:57,419 --> 01:00:00,827
But if this helped me
return home to my family,

845
01:00:00,862 --> 01:00:02,994
friends and society,

846
01:00:03,029 --> 01:00:05,227
then these four days
and four nights

847
01:00:05,262 --> 01:00:07,262
would not be in vain.

848
01:01:36,221 --> 01:01:38,859
- And come out of this time
of being alone in the dark

849
01:01:38,894 --> 01:01:40,091
just four days and nights.

850
01:01:44,229 --> 01:01:48,495
Light hits this plug that's
been in the belly button

851
01:01:48,530 --> 01:01:51,366
of mother earth during this
time to hold all your prayers.

852
01:01:53,436 --> 01:01:54,875
Now we're gonna
take the plug out

853
01:01:56,945 --> 01:01:59,440
so that mother earth
can hear your intentions

854
01:01:59,475 --> 01:02:00,947
as you come in here

855
01:02:00,982 --> 01:02:03,752
and hold all this any
time in this next year,

856
01:02:05,415 --> 01:02:09,483
your intention will be here
in this land to hold you.

857
01:02:59,304 --> 01:03:02,976
- I'm a brilliant adult man

858
01:03:03,011 --> 01:03:07,508
who loves himself,

859
01:03:07,543 --> 01:03:08,949
who is confident.

860
01:03:14,649 --> 01:03:17,716
Who loves his family,
loves his tribe.

861
01:03:24,967 --> 01:03:26,967
Loves his friends,

862
01:03:27,002 --> 01:03:29,695
and loves every living thing,

863
01:03:29,730 --> 01:03:31,565
on this fucking earth.

864
01:03:33,569 --> 01:03:36,174
Fuck yeah.

865
01:04:14,412 --> 01:04:16,214
- I am earth, I am fire.

866
01:04:23,454 --> 01:04:27,621
I am air and I am water.

867
01:04:30,263 --> 01:04:33,066
I'm a strong warrior!

868
01:04:55,420 --> 01:04:58,058
- We encourage the hugging
and the coming back in the body.

869
01:04:58,093 --> 01:05:00,225
This is the close of
the threshold phase

870
01:05:00,260 --> 01:05:02,854
and moving into the
incorporation phase.

871
01:05:02,889 --> 01:05:05,934
You all had very powerful
experiences, I'm sure

872
01:05:05,969 --> 01:05:07,892
out on the land.

873
01:05:07,927 --> 01:05:10,400
Everything between the time
that you crossed the threshold

874
01:05:10,435 --> 01:05:12,072
to the time that you returned,

875
01:05:12,107 --> 01:05:16,538
to mark that end of the
threshold phase is sacred.

876
01:05:16,573 --> 01:05:17,803
Hold it.

877
01:05:26,913 --> 01:05:28,231
- Duck your head, Chuck.
- Good call.

878
01:05:28,255 --> 01:05:30,882
- Yeah, I was.

879
01:05:45,008 --> 01:05:49,604
- Incorporation or
return to take the things

880
01:05:49,639 --> 01:05:52,475
that we have received
out on the land

881
01:05:52,510 --> 01:05:54,477
as a result of putting
things down

882
01:05:54,512 --> 01:05:57,084
and begin the process
of figuring out

883
01:05:57,119 --> 01:05:59,449
how to incorporate them
into our daily lives

884
01:05:59,484 --> 01:06:00,747
and into our walk.

885
01:06:00,782 --> 01:06:04,124
- Into the Corpus,
into the body.

886
01:06:04,159 --> 01:06:06,588
So you've been out
there on that land

887
01:06:06,623 --> 01:06:09,426
and you've been thresholding
and then it's time to come back

888
01:06:09,461 --> 01:06:11,692
into the body as you
go back into the world

889
01:06:11,727 --> 01:06:13,265
and you'll be tested.

890
01:06:13,300 --> 01:06:16,796
- Coming home and coming
back to this place

891
01:06:16,831 --> 01:06:18,380
and then going back
out into the world

892
01:06:18,404 --> 01:06:23,473
that truly can't hear

893
01:06:23,508 --> 01:06:25,970
and can't see what
we've been through.

894
01:06:26,005 --> 01:06:29,380
Not all that different from
coming home from service

895
01:06:29,415 --> 01:06:31,118
to a world that

896
01:06:31,153 --> 01:06:33,186
can't fully understand
or comprehend

897
01:06:33,221 --> 01:06:35,056
or wrap it's mind
around where we've been

898
01:06:35,091 --> 01:06:36,684
and what we've experienced.

899
01:06:36,719 --> 01:06:39,060
- We'll spend the day
just kind of recuperating,

900
01:06:39,095 --> 01:06:41,194
letting your story
bubble around.

901
01:06:41,229 --> 01:06:43,790
We'll go into Coulee city, boy.

902
01:06:43,825 --> 01:06:46,100
We're going into Coulee
city for a meal, big deal.

903
01:06:51,998 --> 01:06:54,405
- It's cold, I thought
it could be warm water.

904
01:06:54,440 --> 01:06:56,671
Who's idea was this?

905
01:07:51,596 --> 01:07:52,727
- Sun starts going down.

906
01:07:55,501 --> 01:07:58,139
The oh shit factor hit me.

907
01:07:58,174 --> 01:08:02,110
And it was the,
"What the hell am I doing?

908
01:08:02,145 --> 01:08:04,211
"I can't do this.

909
01:08:04,246 --> 01:08:06,323
"I'm out here, I'm supposed
to what, sleep under a tarp.

910
01:08:06,347 --> 01:08:08,479
"What, no, I can't do this."

911
01:08:08,514 --> 01:08:11,152
I was just scared shitless.

912
01:08:11,187 --> 01:08:14,419
And kind of took a step
back and was just like,

913
01:08:14,454 --> 01:08:17,455
"You know what, no,
these are your fears.

914
01:08:17,490 --> 01:08:18,984
"You have to grow Sheryl.

915
01:08:19,019 --> 01:08:20,799
"You need to do this, you
need to prove to yourself

916
01:08:20,823 --> 01:08:22,955
"that you are kickass
because you are."

917
01:08:22,990 --> 01:08:25,661
That first night when
the stars came out,

918
01:08:27,632 --> 01:08:28,928
I just broke down in tears.

919
01:08:31,174 --> 01:08:35,803
It was just, it was so
peaceful and just...

920
01:08:40,645 --> 01:08:42,414
The next thing I
know it's morning.

921
01:08:42,449 --> 01:08:46,077
I couldn't believe it, I slept
through that entire night.

922
01:08:46,112 --> 01:08:48,453
I didn't wake up once

923
01:08:48,488 --> 01:08:52,358
and it was
the absolute best sleep

924
01:08:52,393 --> 01:08:57,165
I had had in I can't
even remember how long.

925
01:08:57,200 --> 01:08:58,694
It did something to me.

926
01:08:58,729 --> 01:09:02,764
I woke up and I was
just so confident

927
01:09:02,799 --> 01:09:06,097
and it just kind of restored
this little voice inside of me.

928
01:09:06,132 --> 01:09:07,868
Like, "Yeah bitch, I told you.

929
01:09:07,903 --> 01:09:10,475
"Why did you have doubt,
like you've got this."

930
01:09:10,510 --> 01:09:13,005
The last time
I saw stars like that

931
01:09:13,040 --> 01:09:16,184
was in the middle
of the Pacific ocean in transit.

932
01:09:16,219 --> 01:09:20,111
Every night,
it was like a bedtime story

933
01:09:20,146 --> 01:09:24,291
or that lullaby
singing you to sleep.

934
01:09:24,326 --> 01:09:27,690
One of the most healing

935
01:09:27,725 --> 01:09:29,296
parts happened,

936
01:09:29,331 --> 01:09:33,399
I was journaling and I looked
over at a little sage brush

937
01:09:33,434 --> 01:09:35,632
and there was a caterpillar

938
01:09:35,667 --> 01:09:38,866
crawling on the stem

939
01:09:38,901 --> 01:09:43,541
and it just

940
01:09:43,576 --> 01:09:46,412
brought forth this memory
from my childhood.

941
01:09:46,447 --> 01:09:49,008
And it was probably the
last time that I absolutely

942
01:09:49,043 --> 01:09:50,746
truly remember being happy.

943
01:09:53,014 --> 01:09:56,147
And it's like I had

944
01:09:56,182 --> 01:09:58,490
this long conversation
with this caterpillar.

945
01:09:58,525 --> 01:10:02,153
And it's just like,
you know what?

946
01:10:02,188 --> 01:10:04,727
It's okay, you can be happy.

947
01:10:04,762 --> 01:10:07,532
I felt like I was using
it now as a celebration

948
01:10:07,567 --> 01:10:11,569
and just honoring
everything around me

949
01:10:11,604 --> 01:10:13,703
that was bringing me joy.

950
01:10:20,481 --> 01:10:24,010
- So, I wanna start
with the word pride.

951
01:10:24,045 --> 01:10:26,782
I spent most of the
first day thinking,

952
01:10:26,817 --> 01:10:29,488
what the hell is a blind
guy doing out here?

953
01:10:31,217 --> 01:10:34,053
I can't do walkabouts
like everybody else.

954
01:10:34,088 --> 01:10:38,057
I was afraid to look for
rocks because of bugs

955
01:10:38,092 --> 01:10:39,828
and snakes and whatever.

956
01:10:41,601 --> 01:10:45,735
So I spent the first
day pretty much pissed off

957
01:10:45,770 --> 01:10:48,606
because I was blind.

958
01:10:51,171 --> 01:10:52,973
Pride.

959
01:10:53,008 --> 01:10:54,491
I think it was the night
of the second night,

960
01:10:54,515 --> 01:10:56,944
I started having light diarrhea.

961
01:10:56,979 --> 01:11:00,046
And then the third day
it was pretty rough.

962
01:11:00,081 --> 01:11:01,586
My blood sugars were tanking,

963
01:11:01,621 --> 01:11:03,951
I kept getting low and I
was eating glucose tablets

964
01:11:03,986 --> 01:11:06,052
like they were crack.

965
01:11:06,087 --> 01:11:07,966
Sometime in the afternoon,
I got really afraid

966
01:11:07,990 --> 01:11:11,057
and I didn't wanna tell the
leadership that I had diarrhea

967
01:11:11,092 --> 01:11:12,795
'cause I thought
they'd make me come in.

968
01:11:12,830 --> 01:11:15,402
Again, pride.

969
01:11:15,437 --> 01:11:20,407
And I didn't wanna tell
anybody that I was...

970
01:11:20,442 --> 01:11:22,904
I didn't wanna tell
anybody that I was afraid

971
01:11:22,939 --> 01:11:24,774
because I'm blind
and I want everybody

972
01:11:24,809 --> 01:11:27,975
to know that I'm whole.

973
01:11:34,555 --> 01:11:36,687
And then an angel showed up

974
01:11:40,396 --> 01:11:43,595
Chris, I called to tell
her about my blood sugar

975
01:11:43,630 --> 01:11:47,434
and something
happened to the radio.

976
01:11:47,469 --> 01:11:49,502
And just all of
a sudden she was there.

977
01:11:49,537 --> 01:11:54,100
Somehow she knew that
I was on the edge.

978
01:11:54,135 --> 01:11:57,037
Somehow she knew that

979
01:11:57,072 --> 01:12:00,205
if I could have come down here,
I would have.

980
01:12:00,240 --> 01:12:03,043
So Chris laid down on the ground

981
01:12:03,078 --> 01:12:06,079
and we held hands and
we talked and I cried.

982
01:12:09,392 --> 01:12:11,854
I confessed how weak I was,
but I was still prideful.

983
01:12:11,889 --> 01:12:15,660
I told Chris that at the end,

984
01:12:15,695 --> 01:12:19,565
my intent was to walk
down here by myself.

985
01:12:19,600 --> 01:12:21,963
So then the final morning
and I'm sitting there

986
01:12:21,998 --> 01:12:25,835
and I'm so weak and
I'm very disoriented

987
01:12:25,870 --> 01:12:29,003
and I'm just, I'm on the edge.

988
01:12:30,743 --> 01:12:32,171
And I heard this voice.

989
01:12:35,847 --> 01:12:37,418
And the voice told me,

990
01:12:37,453 --> 01:12:40,080
you gotta stop being proud.

991
01:12:44,086 --> 01:12:48,154
These people are here
because they wanna help you,

992
01:12:48,189 --> 01:12:49,793
accept their help.

993
01:12:51,258 --> 01:12:54,259
And the next thing I know, Ryan,

994
01:12:54,294 --> 01:12:56,063
Tim and Brandon

995
01:12:56,098 --> 01:13:00,869
walk into my camp
literally within seconds.

996
01:13:03,941 --> 01:13:05,842
The other weird thing
is when they walked in,

997
01:13:05,877 --> 01:13:07,943
I wasn't startled
that they were there

998
01:13:07,978 --> 01:13:10,385
because the spirit had
told me to accept the help.

999
01:13:14,622 --> 01:13:17,887
And before I knew it,
almost all of my stuff was gone.

1000
01:13:17,922 --> 01:13:22,023
As exhausted as they were,
these three men picked up

1001
01:13:22,058 --> 01:13:25,356
all my shit and took it down
here without even saying,

1002
01:13:25,391 --> 01:13:27,600
Oh, fuck, I'm tired or
I don't wanna do this.

1003
01:13:27,635 --> 01:13:31,802
They all did it because
they wanted to do it.

1004
01:13:31,837 --> 01:13:34,772
But I still insisted
being prideful.

1005
01:13:34,807 --> 01:13:38,743
I told all three of them,
I'm walking in alone.

1006
01:13:38,778 --> 01:13:40,547
At that point,
I had my backpack,

1007
01:13:40,582 --> 01:13:43,880
the chair and my water jugs.

1008
01:13:43,915 --> 01:13:45,651
Then the next thing
I know, lan shows up

1009
01:13:51,021 --> 01:13:53,956
and lan just guides me in
and I just surrendered

1010
01:13:53,991 --> 01:13:56,530
at that point,
I just surrendered.

1011
01:13:58,633 --> 01:14:02,602
And I said, just fuck the pride,

1012
01:14:02,637 --> 01:14:04,098
I just wanna be me

1013
01:14:04,133 --> 01:14:06,199
and I just wanna accept.

1014
01:14:10,612 --> 01:14:12,249
At that point I think
I finally accepted

1015
01:14:12,273 --> 01:14:14,779
the fact that I'm blind.

1016
01:14:14,814 --> 01:14:18,882
And I can tell you,
I've told people for years

1017
01:14:20,556 --> 01:14:21,962
that I'm totally okay
with being blind,

1018
01:14:21,986 --> 01:14:23,381
but I guess I wasn't.

1019
01:14:30,698 --> 01:14:33,127
- I can't tell you Chuck,

1020
01:14:33,162 --> 01:14:36,768
when I think about you out
there on that land this time,

1021
01:14:36,803 --> 01:14:39,672
it's just such respect,
such love for you, man.

1022
01:14:43,502 --> 01:14:46,338
This isn't a story of wholeness,
I don't know what is Chuck.

1023
01:14:48,408 --> 01:14:50,551
He wants this blindness thing

1024
01:14:50,586 --> 01:14:52,982
to go away

1025
01:14:53,017 --> 01:14:56,315
so he can be a whole man

1026
01:14:56,350 --> 01:14:59,186
and the gods and goddesses
are laughing up there

1027
01:14:59,221 --> 01:15:02,563
because they know what
a whole man this man is.

1028
01:15:04,732 --> 01:15:08,734
It's done Chuck, it's done.
You hear that?

1029
01:15:08,769 --> 01:15:11,968
What you went out there to
claim around relationship,

1030
01:15:12,003 --> 01:15:15,510
around wholeness, done.

1031
01:15:18,009 --> 01:15:20,845
You don't have to do
anything 'cause spirit

1032
01:15:20,880 --> 01:15:22,308
has a way of working

1033
01:15:22,343 --> 01:15:23,848
in this world

1034
01:15:23,883 --> 01:15:27,313
and you followed that spirit
right to this beautiful man

1035
01:15:27,348 --> 01:15:31,053
who needed to know
that he can accept help

1036
01:15:31,088 --> 01:15:33,418
because he is a blind man
and that has nothing

1037
01:15:33,453 --> 01:15:36,696
fucking to do with
wholeness, nothing.

1038
01:16:22,469 --> 01:16:24,656
- It was a trigger of PTSD,
it was the sound of thunder

1039
01:16:24,680 --> 01:16:29,210
as if it was some
sort of explosion.

1040
01:16:29,245 --> 01:16:33,918
Prior to that, I actually
didn't cry a whole lot

1041
01:16:33,953 --> 01:16:36,316
and my body needed
to release it.

1042
01:16:36,351 --> 01:16:39,121
And nature was working with us.

1043
01:16:39,156 --> 01:16:43,125
It was in a safe space that
was held by the natural world,

1044
01:16:43,160 --> 01:16:47,096
extraordinary guides and
these beautiful veterans

1045
01:16:47,131 --> 01:16:48,867
that are my comrades.

1046
01:17:13,619 --> 01:17:16,356
- I dedicated this fast
to my grandmother,

1047
01:17:16,391 --> 01:17:19,524
who I didn't get a chance
to go to her funeral

1048
01:17:19,559 --> 01:17:21,768
because I was in
Iraq at the time.

1049
01:17:21,803 --> 01:17:24,463
On day one, I didn't
know which way to go.

1050
01:17:24,498 --> 01:17:28,269
I just started walking

1051
01:17:28,304 --> 01:17:30,172
and just got a good
feel for the land.

1052
01:17:30,207 --> 01:17:32,878
I was hoping I would
run into some animals

1053
01:17:32,913 --> 01:17:34,649
or a burning bush or something.

1054
01:17:36,719 --> 01:17:37,959
I though about my sister a lot.

1055
01:17:40,855 --> 01:17:45,726
Decided to look at the stars

1056
01:17:45,761 --> 01:17:46,991
and be thankful that

1057
01:17:47,026 --> 01:17:48,927
it was so many
of them out there.

1058
01:17:52,493 --> 01:17:55,494
It would be pretty cool
to take a trip up there.

1059
01:17:55,529 --> 01:17:59,234
I decided to take day
two as decision road.

1060
01:17:59,269 --> 01:18:03,469
I ended up walking all
the way to the highway.

1061
01:18:03,504 --> 01:18:07,473
I thought of just getting
on the highway like Rambo,

1062
01:18:07,508 --> 01:18:12,247
First Blood, but then I was
thinking if somebody picks me up

1063
01:18:12,282 --> 01:18:14,117
and takes me down
a road into the city

1064
01:18:15,890 --> 01:18:20,860
and starts getting crazy,

1065
01:18:20,895 --> 01:18:25,194
I don't wanna make the news.

1066
01:18:25,229 --> 01:18:26,657
I was walking along the Lake.

1067
01:18:26,692 --> 01:18:29,099
I was actually thinking
about jumping in there

1068
01:18:29,134 --> 01:18:31,365
because I knew if I jumped
in that canal next to it,

1069
01:18:32,775 --> 01:18:34,455
that current would
probably take me away.

1070
01:18:36,141 --> 01:18:39,780
So now I start thinking
about my veteran experience.

1071
01:18:39,815 --> 01:18:44,411
I was in 101st airborne
division, the screaming Eagles.

1072
01:18:44,446 --> 01:18:46,853
I got all the way up
to this other mountain

1073
01:18:46,888 --> 01:18:50,450
and there were two
eagles just screaming.

1074
01:18:50,485 --> 01:18:52,958
It kind of gave me some
insurance being clear sighted.

1075
01:18:54,962 --> 01:18:59,866
By that time I made peace with
the land, with the ancestors.

1076
01:18:59,901 --> 01:19:04,365
I've walked the three days
straight and know that day four,

1077
01:19:04,400 --> 01:19:08,006
I just laid there and rested.

1078
01:19:09,845 --> 01:19:12,109
And the only thing that stood
in my mind was Psalms 23.

1079
01:19:14,817 --> 01:19:16,223
- "Though I walk
through the valley

1080
01:19:16,247 --> 01:19:18,313
"of the shadow of death,
I fear no evil

1081
01:19:18,348 --> 01:19:20,084
"for thou art with me.

1082
01:19:20,119 --> 01:19:22,482
"Thy rode and thy stuff
shall comfort me."

1083
01:19:29,689 --> 01:19:31,260
- Thank you for your story.

1084
01:19:31,295 --> 01:19:32,910
Thank you for this
story of transformation

1085
01:19:32,934 --> 01:19:36,595
that we all need to know that
transformation is possible.

1086
01:19:39,039 --> 01:19:40,841
And there you are.

1087
01:19:43,175 --> 01:19:44,636
Thank you.

1088
01:19:52,888 --> 01:19:54,118
- Smiles don't hurt either.

1089
01:20:33,489 --> 01:20:35,225
- The meaning of
my name is King.

1090
01:20:35,260 --> 01:20:37,788
Malik, one, that rules.

1091
01:20:37,823 --> 01:20:39,691
So I'm gonna rule my area,

1092
01:20:39,726 --> 01:20:43,497
I'm gonna rule my land up there.

1093
01:20:44,940 --> 01:20:46,335
It became mine.

1094
01:20:46,370 --> 01:20:48,040
Spirit told me,
"Do what you normally do.

1095
01:20:53,014 --> 01:20:54,673
"Aren't you always on guard?"

1096
01:20:54,708 --> 01:20:55,850
"Yes."

1097
01:20:58,514 --> 01:21:00,019
"Protect your land."

1098
01:21:00,054 --> 01:21:01,812
"Aren't you the King?"

1099
01:21:01,847 --> 01:21:03,286
"Yes."

1100
01:21:04,850 --> 01:21:09,226
"Just keep a close watchful
eye on everything around you

1101
01:21:09,261 --> 01:21:11,690
"and you'll survive
these four days."

1102
01:21:13,529 --> 01:21:17,267
Every evening,
I'll come look over base camp

1103
01:21:17,302 --> 01:21:19,863
in my underwear

1104
01:21:19,898 --> 01:21:24,703
as long as my brothers
and sisters was okay,

1105
01:21:24,738 --> 01:21:26,309
I was at peace

1106
01:21:29,215 --> 01:21:31,512
with this, my heart.

1107
01:21:31,547 --> 01:21:33,580
Every night I went
up to that throne,

1108
01:21:36,057 --> 01:21:39,784
sat down and watched
that sunrise again.

1109
01:21:39,819 --> 01:21:42,886
It's the most beautiful thing

1110
01:21:42,921 --> 01:21:44,228
I've ever seen.

1111
01:21:47,728 --> 01:21:50,564
I never really formed
a good sleeping pattern

1112
01:21:50,599 --> 01:21:55,074
because if you fall
asleep on watch,

1113
01:21:55,109 --> 01:21:57,604
you can get court marshalled.

1114
01:21:57,639 --> 01:22:02,642
I really admire the
beauty of mother nature,

1115
01:22:02,677 --> 01:22:07,020
the way she carved out canyons,
the hills, the valleys.

1116
01:22:09,816 --> 01:22:13,686
One of the things I needed
to clear up was my anger.

1117
01:22:14,854 --> 01:22:18,966
I did some venting out loud.

1118
01:22:20,827 --> 01:22:23,300
I said, "Well, this is
definitely gonna humble me."

1119
01:22:25,007 --> 01:22:27,502
I'd rather die up there
than die out in the world.

1120
01:22:30,144 --> 01:22:32,870
I found so much
peace on this land.

1121
01:22:36,810 --> 01:22:40,845
- The child in you
who had to step up,

1122
01:22:40,880 --> 01:22:43,254
who's been carrying his
armor and his shield

1123
01:22:43,289 --> 01:22:45,487
for longer than he can remember

1124
01:22:45,522 --> 01:22:48,061
to protect himself
and his people.

1125
01:22:50,989 --> 01:22:54,628
A man who has had to be
on guard and be on point

1126
01:22:54,663 --> 01:22:59,369
watching over himself
and his people in theater

1127
01:22:59,404 --> 01:23:02,009
immersed in the world of war,

1128
01:23:02,044 --> 01:23:05,540
so many years

1129
01:23:05,575 --> 01:23:09,544
to face those demons,
to face those dark shadows

1130
01:23:09,579 --> 01:23:12,118
in those coyotes
who came at night.

1131
01:23:12,153 --> 01:23:16,683
A man who fashioned
a shamonic tool

1132
01:23:16,718 --> 01:23:18,949
to drive those beings
back to where they come from.

1133
01:23:18,984 --> 01:23:22,194
No more, no more.

1134
01:23:23,857 --> 01:23:28,596
Put your armor down,
drop your shield.

1135
01:23:31,601 --> 01:23:34,008
You are protected,
you are covered.

1136
01:23:35,704 --> 01:23:36,868
You are home.

1137
01:23:40,577 --> 01:23:42,280
- Not a lot of
people impress me.

1138
01:23:43,679 --> 01:23:46,977
This all, you're
gonna impress me.

1139
01:23:47,012 --> 01:23:51,751
I mean, man, the spirit, deep.

1140
01:23:57,957 --> 01:23:58,957
It's deep, man.

1141
01:24:01,433 --> 01:24:02,433
I'm glad to be here.

1142
01:24:12,741 --> 01:24:14,048
- There's two types of kings.

1143
01:24:16,712 --> 01:24:20,219
The ones that rule from
anger and power and greed

1144
01:24:20,254 --> 01:24:23,288
and then there's the kings
who rule with love.

1145
01:24:23,323 --> 01:24:28,359
There's the Kings
who serve the people.

1146
01:24:28,394 --> 01:24:31,395
When I see you telling your
story and I heard your story.

1147
01:24:31,430 --> 01:24:34,860
I was like, "He is the
right kind of king,

1148
01:24:34,895 --> 01:24:37,302
"he is the good kind of king."

1149
01:24:38,635 --> 01:24:41,207
I want a king with
the face like that.

1150
01:24:41,242 --> 01:24:43,671
I want to King with love and
kindness in his eyes like that.

1151
01:24:56,752 --> 01:24:59,621
- The morning that
we got up to go,

1152
01:24:59,656 --> 01:25:03,658
I was exhausted emotionally

1153
01:25:03,693 --> 01:25:07,761
and I had visions of demons

1154
01:25:07,796 --> 01:25:10,797
that I was gonna be
fighting the whole time.

1155
01:25:10,832 --> 01:25:14,471
And I got out to the
spot that I had chosen.

1156
01:25:26,012 --> 01:25:27,649
I was scared.

1157
01:25:27,684 --> 01:25:31,521
Last year that I've
gone through coming off

1158
01:25:31,556 --> 01:25:34,821
of a lot of medications.

1159
01:25:34,856 --> 01:25:36,955
There were things that
happened during that time

1160
01:25:38,365 --> 01:25:42,433
that truly scared me and
I was in safe spaces.

1161
01:25:42,468 --> 01:25:47,207
So here I am heading
out to the unknown

1162
01:25:48,573 --> 01:25:51,838
and I thought what if
these things come back

1163
01:25:51,873 --> 01:25:52,972
while I'm out there.

1164
01:25:56,042 --> 01:25:58,383
What was weird for me as I
wasn't scared of the coyote

1165
01:25:59,848 --> 01:26:02,046
or the mountain lion
or the grizzly bear,

1166
01:26:02,081 --> 01:26:03,949
that random murderer
that's gonna come.

1167
01:26:03,984 --> 01:26:06,193
For me, it was
the little things.

1168
01:26:07,559 --> 01:26:08,701
It was the ticks,
it was the spiders.

1169
01:26:08,725 --> 01:26:13,728
It was the ground
teaming with ants.

1170
01:26:13,763 --> 01:26:16,335
And then about midnight
of that night, I woke up

1171
01:26:17,701 --> 01:26:22,506
out of where and felt my face.

1172
01:26:24,004 --> 01:26:28,677
And something had bit me
and my lip was probably

1173
01:26:30,615 --> 01:26:34,452
the size of a golf ball,
just huge numb with pain.

1174
01:26:36,291 --> 01:26:38,357
And I was thirsty.
I'll get out, I couldn't drink.

1175
01:26:40,922 --> 01:26:43,082
I was just water spilling
out electrolytes everywhere.

1176
01:26:47,929 --> 01:26:50,930
That was exactly what I needed.

1177
01:26:50,965 --> 01:26:55,407
It was a confidence boost
because I wasn't dead.

1178
01:26:55,442 --> 01:26:58,135
The little guys, they're little.

1179
01:27:00,975 --> 01:27:03,283
The nights for me
were the hardest.

1180
01:27:03,318 --> 01:27:07,947
That's when I can conjure
up all sorts of demons.

1181
01:27:09,621 --> 01:27:11,401
On day three, I got to
the canal and contemplated

1182
01:27:11,425 --> 01:27:13,953
jumping in the canal.

1183
01:27:13,988 --> 01:27:18,265
I thought I could do this
and I think I'm smarter

1184
01:27:18,300 --> 01:27:22,533
than everybody else, so
I'm not gonna take a gun

1185
01:27:22,568 --> 01:27:24,403
and shoot myself.

1186
01:27:24,438 --> 01:27:29,100
What I'll do is kill myself
another way, slow away.

1187
01:27:29,135 --> 01:27:32,741
And I started realizing
that I'd been walking

1188
01:27:32,776 --> 01:27:34,479
since about seven in the morning

1189
01:27:34,514 --> 01:27:37,075
and it's now three
o'clock in the afternoon.

1190
01:27:37,110 --> 01:27:41,211
I'm out of water, I'm sweating.

1191
01:27:41,246 --> 01:27:43,686
Now I'm not sweating, headache

1192
01:27:45,756 --> 01:27:48,625
and go about five
steps and stop.

1193
01:27:51,333 --> 01:27:54,257
And a little voice in
the back of my head said,

1194
01:27:54,292 --> 01:27:55,929
"You gotta stop this, man.

1195
01:28:02,806 --> 01:28:06,346
"You got too much
life left to live

1196
01:28:10,880 --> 01:28:13,386
"and too much gifts to give.

1197
01:28:15,951 --> 01:28:17,918
"And there's a whole
bunch of people out there

1198
01:28:17,953 --> 01:28:20,459
"that would like to
see to stick around."

1199
01:28:23,695 --> 01:28:25,123
- It's done.

1200
01:28:27,963 --> 01:28:29,061
Thank you for your story.

1201
01:28:39,711 --> 01:28:42,008
- I had work to do.

1202
01:28:42,043 --> 01:28:44,142
I had Larry's voice

1203
01:28:49,083 --> 01:28:51,490
saying something along the lines

1204
01:28:51,525 --> 01:28:56,462
of clean up as much as you can
and get right at it

1205
01:28:56,497 --> 01:28:58,002
as much as you can with,
as many as you can.

1206
01:28:58,026 --> 01:29:00,224
'Cause I did have some
resistant part of me

1207
01:29:00,259 --> 01:29:02,501
that was really freaking
scared to be up there.

1208
01:29:02,536 --> 01:29:07,198
So it was this, this vulture,
beautiful wings spread

1209
01:29:07,233 --> 01:29:11,906
just flies or it's
like, it's done.

1210
01:29:15,109 --> 01:29:16,614
I know it's done.

1211
01:29:23,953 --> 01:29:25,854
One time I saw a caterpillar

1212
01:29:25,889 --> 01:29:29,220
and that was right before
I was to die.

1213
01:29:30,762 --> 01:29:34,830
And I think that it was doing
an impartial night visual

1214
01:29:34,865 --> 01:29:38,097
rattling, I always
had my rattle going,

1215
01:29:39,870 --> 01:29:41,606
singing rattling.

1216
01:29:41,641 --> 01:29:44,741
The entire time I was like my
inner child, my crying child.

1217
01:29:44,776 --> 01:29:48,679
No that adult, that parent
that holds hands with the soul

1218
01:29:48,714 --> 01:29:50,549
would always be
holding that child

1219
01:29:52,718 --> 01:29:55,246
that was rattling,
rattling, rattling.

1220
01:29:55,281 --> 01:29:59,954
And I kept hearing chorus,
flute, women singers

1221
01:30:02,728 --> 01:30:04,761
that lasted pretty
much all night

1222
01:30:04,796 --> 01:30:08,094
and it felt like celebration.

1223
01:30:11,132 --> 01:30:13,803
It felt like celebration
and nurturing mothers

1224
01:30:13,838 --> 01:30:18,401
just saying

1225
01:30:18,436 --> 01:30:19,908
you did good work.

1226
01:30:25,949 --> 01:30:29,885
- Turkey vultures
can smell death

1227
01:30:29,920 --> 01:30:34,791
a long long way out.

1228
01:30:34,826 --> 01:30:39,059
The vulture saying

1229
01:30:39,094 --> 01:30:40,929
death is coming,

1230
01:30:40,964 --> 01:30:44,636
it's not clear when it's coming
or what that really means.

1231
01:30:46,365 --> 01:30:51,038
The end of that abuse
is here and peace follows,

1232
01:30:54,516 --> 01:30:56,648
but only through
building good walls,

1233
01:30:57,816 --> 01:31:00,146
of being careful
with that child,

1234
01:31:01,314 --> 01:31:04,986
taking care of the child within.

1235
01:31:46,568 --> 01:31:48,194
- I am.
- I am.

1236
01:31:48,229 --> 01:31:50,570
- I am.
- I am.

1237
01:31:50,605 --> 01:31:52,066
- I am.

1238
01:31:52,101 --> 01:31:55,069
- A powerful adult.
- A powerful warrior.

1239
01:31:55,104 --> 01:31:56,972
- Good and loyal.

1240
01:31:57,007 --> 01:31:59,744
- A worthy adult man.

1241
01:31:59,779 --> 01:32:02,747
- A sober unflinching
storyteller.

1242
01:32:02,782 --> 01:32:05,013
- With meaningful relationships.

1243
01:32:05,048 --> 01:32:07,345
- Who loves and cares
for his family.

1244
01:32:07,380 --> 01:32:09,314
- And protects
the ones he loves.

1245
01:32:09,349 --> 01:32:10,887
- With a massive heart.

1246
01:32:10,922 --> 01:32:13,186
- My home and my tribe
and my heart.

1247
01:32:13,221 --> 01:32:14,891
- Deeply connected with nature.

1248
01:32:14,926 --> 01:32:17,487
- Powerfully growing
and being nourished

1249
01:32:17,522 --> 01:32:21,392
by the shit that gives me life.

1250
01:32:21,427 --> 01:32:24,428
- A kickass, powerful,
strong vivacious,

1251
01:32:24,463 --> 01:32:28,069
vulnerable adult woman
who is worthy of all things.

1252
01:32:28,104 --> 01:32:29,576
- Fuck yeah.

1253
01:32:31,613 --> 01:32:34,581
- A spiritual
inspiring elder man

1254
01:32:34,616 --> 01:32:39,014
and I have fulfilling
relationships.

1255
01:32:39,049 --> 01:32:43,018
- I am a strong,
vulnerable whole man.

1256
01:32:46,155 --> 01:32:47,627
- Oh, by God.

1257
01:32:48,993 --> 01:32:50,223
Holy moly.

1258
01:32:52,458 --> 01:32:53,567
God approved it.

1259
01:33:01,302 --> 01:33:03,742
- I picked up humbleness,

1260
01:33:03,777 --> 01:33:06,811
I picked up wisdom.

1261
01:33:06,846 --> 01:33:11,684
I gathered how to be vulnerable

1262
01:33:14,579 --> 01:33:17,019
and also most important,
how to listen.

1263
01:33:19,518 --> 01:33:24,092
My fear is if I don't
use those tools,

1264
01:33:24,127 --> 01:33:28,866
then I refer back to the
old me of being angry.

1265
01:33:34,170 --> 01:33:36,269
That's my biggest fear.

1266
01:33:36,304 --> 01:33:40,306
- My greatest intention
of going home

1267
01:33:40,341 --> 01:33:42,308
is to bring back

1268
01:33:42,343 --> 01:33:46,983
the skills and the training
and the gifts

1269
01:33:47,018 --> 01:33:49,755
that I was able to
acquire here on this land

1270
01:33:49,790 --> 01:33:53,792
and bring them back to bastion,

1271
01:33:53,827 --> 01:33:58,027
bring them back to
Gentilly community

1272
01:33:58,062 --> 01:33:59,864
and bring them back

1273
01:33:59,899 --> 01:34:02,933
to the veteran
community in general,

1274
01:34:02,968 --> 01:34:05,133
even in non veteran community.

1275
01:34:05,168 --> 01:34:08,268
- I've already started slipping
a little bit in my mind

1276
01:34:08,303 --> 01:34:09,940
of what's gonna
happen when I go home

1277
01:34:09,975 --> 01:34:12,437
and that's my biggest fear.

1278
01:34:12,472 --> 01:34:14,637
I really wanna honor
what I've done here

1279
01:34:14,672 --> 01:34:17,277
and have it make a change.

1280
01:34:17,312 --> 01:34:22,282
I don't want it to slip
back into isolation.

1281
01:34:22,317 --> 01:34:24,691
- So now it's time
to create new habits,

1282
01:34:24,726 --> 01:34:28,860
continuing the ritual
and ceremony in my daily life.

1283
01:34:28,895 --> 01:34:30,521
Now it's time to bring it back.

1284
01:34:30,556 --> 01:34:33,062
Otherwise it just
flattens out into a story

1285
01:34:33,097 --> 01:34:35,592
that becomes a dream.

1286
01:34:39,004 --> 01:34:41,565
There is a lot of healing that
needs to happen in this world

1287
01:34:41,600 --> 01:34:45,008
and I truly believe I've
been kept alive for a reason.

1288
01:34:46,946 --> 01:34:50,607
And I wanna serve my purpose,
I want to serve again.

1289
01:35:09,397 --> 01:35:13,102
- Every single one of us
sitting in the circle

1290
01:35:13,137 --> 01:35:15,742
have been initiated
into the armed forces

1291
01:35:15,777 --> 01:35:19,108
and have gone through that
process of grinding away

1292
01:35:19,143 --> 01:35:20,846
the civilian pieces

1293
01:35:20,881 --> 01:35:23,244
and the insertion of that
identity as a warrior,

1294
01:35:23,279 --> 01:35:24,784
whether that's
a peaceful warrior

1295
01:35:24,819 --> 01:35:26,786
now on the planet,
a healing warrior,

1296
01:35:26,821 --> 01:35:29,448
a woman warrior, a man warrior,

1297
01:35:29,483 --> 01:35:31,087
an LGBTQ warrior.

1298
01:35:31,122 --> 01:35:34,717
We are all fucking necessary.

1299
01:35:34,752 --> 01:35:37,962
- I just in deep
gratitude for the courage

1300
01:35:37,997 --> 01:35:40,800
that each one of
you have to show up.

1301
01:35:40,835 --> 01:35:43,803
People who've been out
there on the edge of death

1302
01:35:43,838 --> 01:35:45,805
over and over and over again

1303
01:35:45,840 --> 01:35:49,732
sit here in front of
the rest of us and cry.

1304
01:35:49,767 --> 01:35:51,140
Fuck, you know.

1305
01:35:58,512 --> 01:36:00,952
Deep gratitude, deep gratitude.

1306
01:36:04,320 --> 01:36:06,551
- We will always be
a part of that tribe

1307
01:36:06,586 --> 01:36:09,125
and that tribe will
always be a part of us.

1308
01:36:09,160 --> 01:36:13,261
We'd been initiated into our
respective branches of service.

1309
01:36:14,693 --> 01:36:18,266
We have not been initiated
back into community

1310
01:36:18,301 --> 01:36:21,599
and the world doesn't know it

1311
01:36:21,634 --> 01:36:23,502
and they don't respect it

1312
01:36:23,537 --> 01:36:25,669
and they don't honor it
after we transitioned

1313
01:36:25,704 --> 01:36:27,473
in the ways that it
truly needs to be,

1314
01:36:27,508 --> 01:36:31,180
but they fucking need us,

1315
01:36:33,646 --> 01:36:35,019
every single one of us.

1316
01:36:39,058 --> 01:36:41,421
Thank you for claiming
and owning who you are

1317
01:36:41,456 --> 01:36:43,621
and thank you for walking
back into the world

1318
01:36:43,656 --> 01:36:45,623
with this fucking light
that you're carrying

1319
01:36:45,658 --> 01:36:47,295
and these gifts that
you have to share

1320
01:36:47,330 --> 01:36:49,429
'cause the world needs you.

1321
01:40:28,848 --> 01:40:30,980
- Right of passage.

1322
01:40:31,015 --> 01:40:33,158
Self centered people,

1323
01:40:33,193 --> 01:40:37,591
I hope you learn

1324
01:40:37,626 --> 01:40:41,100
a fucking lesson.

1325
01:40:41,135 --> 01:40:45,038
This is real warrior shit.