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- It was very
difficult to come back

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and start trying to fit in.

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I just stopped talking about it.

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There was a big, big change

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and it was hard to start
relating to anyone.

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- How's it going Ms. Susan.

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I think I have $3
I can give to you.

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You can get an all day bus pass.

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All right, take care.

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I thought about
suicide a few times.

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And one time I put a
round in a chamber.

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I was too scared to
pull the trigger,

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so I just started drinking.

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- Come sit with me.

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Sit.

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I have nightmares.

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I take bupropion and sertraline
for the depression aspects

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helping to control
anger spikes and rage,

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hallucinations and delusions.

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Okay, good boy.

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Good boy.

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'Cause that image,
taking a gun to my head,

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it just goes like a real.

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I asked God, please just
kill me in a natural way,

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so it wouldn't be an
F-you to the people

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like my parents, my sister

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and anybody that actually
has cared about me.

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- The origin of PTSD
came from Vietnam vets.

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- Totally.
- Making a little hungry though.

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- Well, that's the idea, right?

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And you're supposed to kind
of like start freaking out.

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Be like, I can't, not eating.

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What's gonna happen.

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And it's all mental
at that point.

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- I really started wanting

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to just disconnect
from the world.

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My only way to escape it
was to try to drink it away

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or try to numb it.

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And that's when
you get to a point

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where you start believing
that suicide is a way out.

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- What color you got?

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- Orange.

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- I want eight forks
for five people.

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- Yeah, yeah.

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- I struggle financially
and I struggled mentally

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and I wanted it to end.

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I was hurting because my
first wife, she left me,

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my oldest daughter had left.

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So it was like, there
was no reason for me

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to even suck up good
oxygen smell, go to sleep.

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I wanna sleep forever.

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I don't wanna wake up
from this bad dream.

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- From the moment my feet hit
the ground from Afghanistan,

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The only thing
that I wanted to do

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was to take a fucking vacation.

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And not the type of
vacation where the kids

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are on the shoulders
with a Mickey Mouse

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hats on their heads and we're
bobbing through Disneyland

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or Disney World and not
the type of vacation

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where there's a tour
bus in the background

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in the fucking Grand Canyon,

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but the type of vacation
where I could take my ass

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out on the fucking
land and dig a hole

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and scream into it
until I had put down

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every fucking thing that
I needed to put down.

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A brother of mine said, "Mark,
it sounds like the vacation

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"that you're talking
about is a vision quest."

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And at the time I was resistant.

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I was like, "What the
fucking kind of hippie

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"fru fru bullshit, drum
beating magic wu wu lala stuff

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"is a vision quest?"

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He was telling me, "Mark, there
is a way that you can scream

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"into a hole and put the
down that you're carrying."

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And he said, Indigenous
peoples around the globe

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would welcome
their warriors home

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with elders meeting them
outside the village.

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And there was a certain
series of steps and sequence

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that they would
follow, a war detox,

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a spiritual cleansing
that involves spending

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a time on the land
as a community

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and then solo with these things
called self-generated ceremony.

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Ways to mark those transitions,
ways to dig a hole

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and put things down
in a spiritual way.

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Ways to mark the ending,
like cracking of a snake skin

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and the shedding of those
things that no longer serve.

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If I had not put
my burdens down,

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including the identity that
I had for military service

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and mark and claim
who I am today,

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I wouldn't be sitting here,

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I would have blown
my brains out.

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And I can't help but
believe that the 13

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of my close personal friends
who have killed themselves

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post-service, they would
still be here today.

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- Well, welcome.

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My mentor, Stephen Foster,
he and Meredith his wife

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pretty much brought
this ceremony

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back towards the mainstream.

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- They were working at
a suicide prevention center.

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They just started
talking about why is it

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that all these people
keep calling in

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wanting to kill themselves?

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What has gone wrong in our
culture that this is happening.

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And they started
reading about it.

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And they realized that
all peoples of all times

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until very recently
have always had

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these ancient ceremonies.

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- You know that your
brothers and sisters

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are killing themselves off
at an extraordinary rate.

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And many of you, I know have
been on the edge yourself,

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some of you many times.

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So I'm just blessed and
honored that you're here.

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- Clearly something has stirred

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in a way that has prompted
you to come out here,

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whether it was
something that you read

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or something that you
heard from someone else,

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a friend called
you on the phone.

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So I just wanna thank you
for answering the call

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'cause it didn't come from
us, it came from within.

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- Just a real quick overview
of what we're gonna be doing

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for the next 12 days.

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We're gonna sit
with each one of you

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and talk about why you're here
and get to the bottom of it.

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We'll do that for two days.

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And then the last day
before you go out,

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you'll get your spots, and then
you have four days out there

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and four nights and come
back on the fifth day.

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We'll spend that day just
kind of recuperating.

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And then we'll have
a couple of days

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for telling your stories
and having your stories

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listened to very deeply.

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My purpose is to help
create a safe container,

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that's really my most conscious
purpose in doing this,

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is to create that space.

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First off, I'm not a veteran.

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When we had our first
veteran fast last year,

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it was phenomenal
learning for me

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'cause I'd already been
holding these ceremonies

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for quite a long time.

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The wounds, they
carry, this PTSD stuff

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from the service is huge.

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And it's precisely I can't
be left alone with my mind.

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And that's precisely
what we're doing,

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we're throwing them out
there into this place

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where there's nothing
but their own mind.

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It becomes terrifying
very quickly,

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but this land can take that

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and it can take
the childhood stuff,

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it can take the time
of service stuff,

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it can take it all.

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They can actually
lay down the burden.

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- There's three phases
to the ceremony,

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severance to cut attachments
at home, to separate from wife,

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children, family, employment.

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To separate from the things
of the world back there,

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the telephones,
internet, distractions.

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Severing from pain related
to people who have harmed us,

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severing from different
things that we may have done

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to to harm other people,
severing from patterns

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that I've created in my life
that I wanna put in the ground

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and walk away from.

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It could be as simple as
severing from drinking soda.

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And it's complex is
severing from self-loathing.

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What are the things
that I wanna put down?

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That's what we're
out here to do.

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This is your initiation home.

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Home here and home out there.

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- Last night, it was the first
time I ever spent the night

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in my tent alone.

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And that was pretty darn scary.

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You would think 61 year old
guys shouldn't be afraid

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of being alone in the tent,
but it's either been me

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and my dog or me and my
girlfriend or me and my son.

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There's always been
somebody there.

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And last night I was alone
and then it dawned on me,

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well, I'm gonna be out
there alone for four days.

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And then I was
thinking about the tarp

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and I was thinking
about with two openings.

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And those openings are
ways for things to get in.

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And I share a little
secret with everybody.

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When I was 12, I was
raped by my uncle.

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And when I told everybody,
they thought I was lying

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'cause I was 12.

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And even my own parents,
they took his side

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because he was
mentally challenged.

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And I remember going
to neighbor's houses

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and asking them to talk to me.

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But I lived in a really
small town in West Virginia

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and everybody just
slammed the door on me

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and said, "You need to go home.

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"This is something that
is a family thing."

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Nobody would ever support me.

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I felt like everybody
bailed on me.

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I been afraid to be
alone since then.

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I always feel like I have
to have somebody around

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so that I feel safe
because back then,

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I felt completely alone.

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- Thank you, Chuck.

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That's the only way to heal
this stuff, is to get it out.

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And thank you.

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- I hit a point in my life
where it was either death,

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suicide or figuring
this shit out.

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- I was raised Mormon in Utah.

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Service to others
was preached a lot.

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I was always a boy scout.

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And then when 9/11 happened,

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I thought if I don't
do something about it,

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then why should I
expect anybody else to?

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I was a port security
men in the coast guard,

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which meant he did a lot of
law enforcement type training.

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You come home and you
have this feeling of like,

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"Wow, this war is happening,
does anybody know?"

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I feel so disconnected
now from the society

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that I was trying to help.

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I found my way through
various different avenues

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to start working at the
VA representing vets

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trying to get benefits.

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Our job was to
evaluate their claims

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and try to come up with a
dollar sum or percentage really

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of you are X amount of broken.

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They're saying like,
I sit at home at night

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and load my gun up thinking
I'm gonna shoot myself

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or the neighbors
and I'm struggling with PTSD.

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I found myself being
very uncomfortable

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with trying to evaluate
other soldiers and sailors

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and trying to come up with
whether they were in the right

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or the wrong and whether
we should pay them.

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In the two years
that I was there,

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there was maybe 80 people
in our whole office.

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And four of my coworkers
took their own lives.

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- About six years old,
I had kind of hit the trifecta

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of physical abuse, sexual abuse

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and then just years
of mental abuse.

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I had parents that
divorced when I was two

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and it was a violent,
protracted divorce.

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And I was the youngest.

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"You remind me of your father,"
My mom used to say.

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And I would think, "Well,
you fucking hate my father."

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And then my dad would
say the same thing.

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Of course, he would add that
with a couple of fish punts

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to the face or the stomach.

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And I was always looked at
my three older brothers,

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like, "Why is this
happening to me,

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00:15:06.929 --> 00:15:09.732
not you guys."

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And then I started getting older
and started getting mad at them.

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Like, "Why didn't you step in?"

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And I go home and I
just let it eat me

249
00:15:17.907 --> 00:15:21.777
and then I hit the
drink or I take pills.

250
00:15:21.812 --> 00:15:25.990
Went and lived in my car.
I left my job with no plan.

251
00:15:27.686 --> 00:15:31.721
I just lost it,

252
00:15:31.756 --> 00:15:35.593
but I do not wanna go
back to that place.

253
00:15:35.628 --> 00:15:38.937
You don't understand
the dark demons that you have.

254
00:15:40.765 --> 00:15:44.008
And when I started seeing them,

255
00:15:44.043 --> 00:15:47.737
I've spent most
of my life running

256
00:15:47.772 --> 00:15:49.310
from connection with people.

257
00:15:54.152 --> 00:15:56.812
- I have a voice in my
head that is saying,

258
00:15:56.847 --> 00:15:58.616
"You're really not
good enough for this.

259
00:16:01.027 --> 00:16:02.686
"You're not gonna
be able to do this,

260
00:16:02.721 --> 00:16:04.754
"you are not as good as them.

261
00:16:04.789 --> 00:16:06.162
"You do not deserve this."

262
00:16:08.628 --> 00:16:11.530
I grew up in a college
town, Oxford, Ohio.

263
00:16:11.565 --> 00:16:13.631
We were surrounded by trees.

264
00:16:13.666 --> 00:16:15.600
There was a maple tree
that was right outside

265
00:16:15.635 --> 00:16:18.141
my bedroom window.

266
00:16:18.176 --> 00:16:21.144
And that was my best
friend growing up.

267
00:16:21.179 --> 00:16:24.180
I would cry in that tree
and pretend to be Indiana Jones.

268
00:16:24.215 --> 00:16:26.281
I was such a tomboy.

269
00:16:26.316 --> 00:16:29.284
I always wanted to
be an investigator

270
00:16:29.319 --> 00:16:31.517
or a police officer.

271
00:16:31.552 --> 00:16:33.816
Coming out of my
undergraduate degree,

272
00:16:33.851 --> 00:16:37.556
I had come out of the closet
and dated my first female.

273
00:16:37.591 --> 00:16:41.395
And so when I went
into the military,

274
00:16:41.430 --> 00:16:43.694
I kind of went back
into the closet again.

275
00:16:43.729 --> 00:16:46.334
I chose to join during
don't ask don't tell.

276
00:16:46.369 --> 00:16:49.304
And a part of me was like,
"It'll be fine."

277
00:16:49.339 --> 00:16:52.703
But immediately
it was very difficult.

278
00:16:52.738 --> 00:16:56.575
It was necessary for me
to take away the emotion.

279
00:16:56.610 --> 00:17:00.183
It was hard when
love is involved

280
00:17:00.218 --> 00:17:03.714
and you're being broken down
to be built up as a machine.

281
00:17:03.749 --> 00:17:07.124
It's not safe, it's not safe.

282
00:17:10.393 --> 00:17:13.691
At least like five different
sexual assaults and rapes.

283
00:17:18.566 --> 00:17:21.765
I'm left with this loud fucking
voice in my head that says,

284
00:17:21.800 --> 00:17:24.240
I'm a piece of shit,
I'm a piece of shit,

285
00:17:24.275 --> 00:17:25.703
I'm a piece of shit.

286
00:17:25.738 --> 00:17:28.937
I'm a piece of fucking shit
and screaming children.

287
00:17:31.282 --> 00:17:34.943
And I'm also one
of the screaming children

288
00:17:34.978 --> 00:17:36.450
every day.

289
00:17:38.883 --> 00:17:41.587
It's like nightmares
in the daytime.

290
00:17:47.826 --> 00:17:50.431
- I'm here to see if this
shit would scare me enough

291
00:17:50.466 --> 00:17:52.235
to where I can stop being angry

292
00:17:53.733 --> 00:17:57.031
'cause I'm angry all the time.

293
00:17:57.066 --> 00:17:58.912
When I was a teenager,
I was going into the store

294
00:17:58.936 --> 00:18:01.937
and three cop cars
pulled guns on me.

295
00:18:01.972 --> 00:18:03.932
I felt that they wanted
to kill me for no reason.

296
00:18:06.009 --> 00:18:08.548
And a Black man
is at the bottom.

297
00:18:08.583 --> 00:18:13.553
That's the order of
the food chain in New Orleans.

298
00:18:13.588 --> 00:18:16.083
You could be doing something
to totally innocent,

299
00:18:16.118 --> 00:18:17.878
things can definitely
change in an instant.

300
00:18:19.759 --> 00:18:23.167
My grandfather was in jail,
my biological father

301
00:18:23.202 --> 00:18:24.597
was in jail.

302
00:18:24.632 --> 00:18:27.930
My first meal with him,
I was 40 years old.

303
00:18:27.965 --> 00:18:29.767
So it was just three years ago.

304
00:18:29.802 --> 00:18:32.902
If he was there, probably
wouldn't have been selling drugs

305
00:18:32.937 --> 00:18:34.739
when I was 13 years old.

306
00:18:34.774 --> 00:18:38.908
And I don't think that's
something to be proud of.

307
00:18:38.943 --> 00:18:40.514
How would that look to my son?

308
00:18:41.979 --> 00:18:44.815
How do I get my mind off
of anger building up?

309
00:18:49.459 --> 00:18:52.119
As a parent, you
don't let your child

310
00:18:52.154 --> 00:18:54.088
know that you're broke.

311
00:18:54.123 --> 00:18:55.474
You don't let your
child know that,

312
00:18:55.498 --> 00:18:57.960
"We're fucking homeless now."
See what I'm saying?

313
00:18:57.995 --> 00:19:00.171
So you don't let
your child know,

314
00:19:00.206 --> 00:19:02.701
"I wanted to kill myself."

315
00:19:02.736 --> 00:19:04.934
I need to become a man again.

316
00:19:04.969 --> 00:19:07.541
- What is that?
What would that look like?

317
00:19:07.576 --> 00:19:10.511
- I've hurt a lot of
my family members, man.

318
00:19:10.546 --> 00:19:13.712
They distance themselves from
me, they barely called me.

319
00:19:13.747 --> 00:19:14.944
- What are you angry about?

320
00:19:14.979 --> 00:19:17.551
- That could be a
sign of being afraid.

321
00:19:17.586 --> 00:19:20.554
- Listen, what are we afraid of?

322
00:19:20.589 --> 00:19:23.293
- They say, Black people
don't do shit like this.

323
00:19:24.362 --> 00:19:25.856
But we do, you know.

324
00:19:25.891 --> 00:19:27.308
Shit, I'm here and
I'm telling you,

325
00:19:27.332 --> 00:19:29.057
I can not do this by myself.

326
00:19:29.092 --> 00:19:31.235
I would have been
packed up and left.

327
00:19:31.270 --> 00:19:33.237
No shit, I been to
jail a few times

328
00:19:33.272 --> 00:19:34.766
because of fucking anger.

329
00:19:36.374 --> 00:19:38.704
I want that shit to stop here,
I wanna burry that here.

330
00:19:40.741 --> 00:19:43.137
I'm not taking that shit
with me going back home.

331
00:19:43.172 --> 00:19:44.908
- You're gonna bury it here.

332
00:19:44.943 --> 00:19:46.646
- I'm gonna burry it here.

333
00:19:46.681 --> 00:19:47.681
I'm ready.

334
00:20:00.563 --> 00:20:02.959
- I'm here to have
a clear vision

335
00:20:04.127 --> 00:20:06.666
in order to fulfill my purpose.

336
00:20:06.701 --> 00:20:08.096
I'm a dishwasher right now.

337
00:20:09.803 --> 00:20:13.035
And sometimes, people say
you have a master's degree,

338
00:20:13.070 --> 00:20:14.575
but you wash dishes.

339
00:20:16.579 --> 00:20:19.679
- I actually grew up
in Kalamazoo, Michigan

340
00:20:19.714 --> 00:20:21.554
and went all the way to
the Bronx in New York

341
00:20:21.584 --> 00:20:23.287
and moved in with my fiance.

342
00:20:24.620 --> 00:20:26.521
Couldn't find a job in New York.

343
00:20:26.556 --> 00:20:28.083
I went to the
unemployment office.

344
00:20:28.118 --> 00:20:30.789
"Good news is we
found a job for you,

345
00:20:30.824 --> 00:20:32.769
"but the bad news is, is
halfway across the country

346
00:20:32.793 --> 00:20:36.531
"in new Orleans, working with
FEMA for humanitarian efforts

347
00:20:36.566 --> 00:20:37.895
"helping rebuild."

348
00:20:40.669 --> 00:20:43.406
It was only supposed to
be a three month job.

349
00:20:43.441 --> 00:20:45.034
So I took it.

350
00:20:45.069 --> 00:20:47.080
It was kind of lonely because
all it pretty much did

351
00:20:47.104 --> 00:20:48.708
was work.

352
00:20:48.743 --> 00:20:50.380
And after about two
and a half months

353
00:20:50.415 --> 00:20:53.713
with some money saved
up to marry my fiance,

354
00:20:53.748 --> 00:20:57.112
I got a call, they told
me she had been deported.

355
00:20:57.147 --> 00:20:59.587
And it made me feel like
I wasn't never gonna

356
00:20:59.622 --> 00:21:03.690
actually be able to have one,
a wife or something at home.

357
00:21:05.991 --> 00:21:07.265
And I've been here ever since.

358
00:21:15.968 --> 00:21:17.979
A few times I had a girlfriend
that wasn't involved

359
00:21:18.003 --> 00:21:20.036
enough emotionally,
so they left me.

360
00:21:21.479 --> 00:21:22.999
That just made me
feel real isolated.

361
00:21:26.715 --> 00:21:28.616
I was kind of like a
person without feelings,

362
00:21:30.653 --> 00:21:31.619
a person without emotion.

363
00:21:31.654 --> 00:21:33.687
I had to shut them off.

364
00:21:33.722 --> 00:21:35.018
My sister ended up dying.

365
00:21:36.494 --> 00:21:39.022
She had cancer, but
no one knew about it.

366
00:21:39.057 --> 00:21:41.695
She finally got so sick
one day, she called 911.

367
00:21:43.864 --> 00:21:45.930
So the ambulance came
and picked her up.

368
00:21:45.965 --> 00:21:48.262
They took her to the hospital.

369
00:21:48.297 --> 00:21:49.538
Three weeks later she was gone.

370
00:21:49.573 --> 00:21:51.166
So it's pretty much
just me and mom.

371
00:21:51.201 --> 00:21:55.742
She was such an angel
that when she died,

372
00:22:00.419 --> 00:22:03.981
it was like I didn't cry because
she was actually supposed

373
00:22:04.016 --> 00:22:06.852
to be the one to
accomplish somethings.

374
00:22:08.592 --> 00:22:10.724
I was bad, I was extremely
bad during that time.

375
00:22:12.321 --> 00:22:13.661
I died when she was 10.

376
00:22:13.696 --> 00:22:15.333
So that was kind of sad.

377
00:22:17.227 --> 00:22:18.677
- I was sitting here
and I was wondering,

378
00:22:18.701 --> 00:22:21.130
what would it look
like if you were happy?

379
00:22:21.165 --> 00:22:23.836
What would your face look
like if you were happy?

380
00:22:25.444 --> 00:22:26.938
What do you think?

381
00:22:28.106 --> 00:22:29.710
Yeah.

382
00:22:29.745 --> 00:22:31.107
It's been a long time, yeah.

383
00:22:32.781 --> 00:22:35.078
My prayer is that I'll see
you coming down that mountain

384
00:22:35.113 --> 00:22:36.552
with a big smile on your face.

385
00:22:39.183 --> 00:22:43.493
That that vision
doesn't have to be work,

386
00:22:43.528 --> 00:22:45.891
it doesn't have to be suffering,

387
00:22:45.926 --> 00:22:47.255
it doesn't have to be pain.

388
00:22:49.193 --> 00:22:52.128
But that vision
also includes joy.

389
00:22:55.738 --> 00:22:57.298
You know where that
joy lives in you.

390
00:22:58.774 --> 00:23:00.642
Lost it, yeah, yeah.

391
00:23:07.948 --> 00:23:12.049
- I no longer gave a
damn about anything.

392
00:23:12.084 --> 00:23:13.084
Yeah, I have...

393
00:23:14.284 --> 00:23:16.592
Oh my God, I can't
tell you how many times

394
00:23:16.627 --> 00:23:19.595
I've tried to commit suicide
and have been pissed off

395
00:23:19.630 --> 00:23:23.390
when it didn't work.

396
00:23:23.425 --> 00:23:25.271
I mean, now I look back and
I just see it as a blessing,

397
00:23:25.295 --> 00:23:29.066
but it really took a lot.

398
00:23:30.234 --> 00:23:32.542
It's been ugly.

399
00:23:32.577 --> 00:23:35.402
Lots of hard
conversations with myself,

400
00:23:35.437 --> 00:23:38.581
things that I've done and
things that I'm not proud of.

401
00:23:38.616 --> 00:23:42.618
I need to be at peace with
everything that has happened

402
00:23:42.653 --> 00:23:47.491
and I need to just kind of
get back in check with myself

403
00:23:47.526 --> 00:23:51.319
and just remind myself that
I am worthy and I am good

404
00:23:51.354 --> 00:23:55.125
and I do deserve good
and let go of all the stuff

405
00:23:55.160 --> 00:23:57.765
that I've been carrying.

406
00:23:59.263 --> 00:24:03.265
And just kind of be able
to accept that I'm enough.

407
00:24:09.515 --> 00:24:12.912
- I gotta breathe
before it came out.

408
00:24:12.947 --> 00:24:16.047
I was really close
to killing myself

409
00:24:22.319 --> 00:24:24.792
and I don't know why.

410
00:24:24.827 --> 00:24:26.707
The only thing that kept
me from doing it was,

411
00:24:28.864 --> 00:24:31.535
I talked to my
therapist and he said,

412
00:24:31.570 --> 00:24:33.163
"Well, you know what
happened to you,

413
00:24:34.463 --> 00:24:35.968
"you know statistics.

414
00:24:36.003 --> 00:24:39.367
"Kill yourself, your children
increases by tenfold."

415
00:24:42.042 --> 00:24:45.516
So I stayed here and I was like.

416
00:24:50.050 --> 00:24:51.050
So I've said it out loud.

417
00:24:52.756 --> 00:24:56.021
And I haven't talked
to my wife about it yet

418
00:24:56.056 --> 00:24:58.661
'cause I feel like she's
taken on too much for me.

419
00:25:00.599 --> 00:25:03.127
- There comes a point
where we've gotta stand up

420
00:25:03.162 --> 00:25:04.359
or kill ourselves.

421
00:25:04.394 --> 00:25:06.196
I don't want you
fucking dead, man.

422
00:25:06.231 --> 00:25:09.166
You got that,
don't fucking do that.

423
00:25:11.874 --> 00:25:13.335
You're too important.

424
00:25:13.370 --> 00:25:14.710
Don't fuck with it.

425
00:25:16.945 --> 00:25:17.945
Yeah.

426
00:25:32.455 --> 00:25:34.994
- You go into your solo time.
There'll be some taboos.

427
00:25:35.029 --> 00:25:38.734
No food, no company

428
00:25:38.769 --> 00:25:40.901
and minimal shelter.

429
00:25:40.936 --> 00:25:43.332
- You will find someone
within this group.

430
00:25:43.367 --> 00:25:46.269
Your partner,
teammate, rock buddy.

431
00:25:47.976 --> 00:25:50.240
- My rock buddy and I made
a circle out of little rocks

432
00:25:50.275 --> 00:25:52.616
on the ground that
was our communication.

433
00:25:52.651 --> 00:25:55.212
Every morning,
Josh would put a rock inside

434
00:25:55.247 --> 00:25:58.380
and every afternoon I would come

435
00:25:58.415 --> 00:26:00.426
and I would check to make
sure that Josh put his rock.

436
00:26:00.450 --> 00:26:01.856
Yes, he did.

437
00:26:01.891 --> 00:26:03.792
He was alive this
morning, okay, good.

438
00:26:03.827 --> 00:26:05.959
And then I would put my rock in.

439
00:26:05.994 --> 00:26:07.400
By the end of the time there
would be for Josh rocks

440
00:26:07.424 --> 00:26:08.863
and four Chris rocks.

441
00:26:08.898 --> 00:26:11.360
And if at any point
I'd gone to the circle

442
00:26:11.395 --> 00:26:14.968
and he hadn't put his rock,
I would go check on him.

443
00:26:15.003 --> 00:26:17.872
You're gonna shoot for drinking
a gallon of water a day.

444
00:26:17.907 --> 00:26:20.138
If you're hungry, drink water

445
00:26:20.173 --> 00:26:22.338
and if you're not
hungry, drink water.

446
00:26:23.979 --> 00:26:26.309
If you're feeling dizzy and
nauseous and overheated,

447
00:26:26.344 --> 00:26:28.542
it's time to get in the shade.

448
00:26:28.577 --> 00:26:29.895
It's time to get
that bandana wet

449
00:26:29.919 --> 00:26:31.226
and put it around your
neck and try to drop

450
00:26:31.250 --> 00:26:33.052
your body temperature down.

451
00:26:33.087 --> 00:26:35.659
- It comes on pretty slowly,

452
00:26:35.694 --> 00:26:38.387
but then it can
be really serious.

453
00:26:38.422 --> 00:26:39.905
You'll start sweating
and eventually you'll get

454
00:26:39.929 --> 00:26:42.127
to the place where you
actually stopped sweating

455
00:26:42.162 --> 00:26:43.326
and then get dry.

456
00:26:43.361 --> 00:26:44.767
That's a very serious point

457
00:26:44.802 --> 00:26:47.330
- In the unlikely off
chance that you are in fact,

458
00:26:47.365 --> 00:26:49.167
bitten by a rattlesnake,

459
00:26:49.202 --> 00:26:53.677
thank it for sharing
its magic with you

460
00:26:53.712 --> 00:26:55.910
'cause that will be
a rite of passage

461
00:26:55.945 --> 00:26:58.649
in and of itself

462
00:26:58.684 --> 00:27:02.510
and make your way back to camp

463
00:27:02.545 --> 00:27:07.185
or simply sit in place and
blow your whistle three times.

464
00:27:07.220 --> 00:27:09.154
- If you have suicidal
thoughts out there,

465
00:27:10.861 --> 00:27:13.862
if you start thinking about
checking out of this life

466
00:27:13.897 --> 00:27:18.460
while you're out there,
that is a medical emergency

467
00:27:18.495 --> 00:27:20.836
just like if you fell off
a cliff and broke your leg.

468
00:27:20.871 --> 00:27:22.838
And I know we're
all gonna be facing

469
00:27:22.873 --> 00:27:26.842
some really difficult things
and some demons might come up

470
00:27:26.877 --> 00:27:28.712
and try to tell us to do things,

471
00:27:30.848 --> 00:27:32.177
that would be a safety issue.

472
00:27:33.543 --> 00:27:35.785
- And so this
four days out there

473
00:27:35.820 --> 00:27:38.117
is a journey of self exploration
and a journey of spirit.

474
00:27:38.152 --> 00:27:39.613
It is a journey of oneself

475
00:27:39.648 --> 00:27:42.022
and we will encounter
the demons.

476
00:28:47.089 --> 00:28:48.583
- What is your greatest fear

477
00:28:48.618 --> 00:28:50.222
and what would
bring you back in?

478
00:28:50.257 --> 00:28:52.323
- My greatest fear
is to be alone.

479
00:28:55.262 --> 00:28:58.934
- My greatest fear
is the unknown.

480
00:28:58.969 --> 00:29:01.871
- I'm very scared of success.

481
00:29:01.906 --> 00:29:05.237
- My biggest fear would
be that I'd be too afraid

482
00:29:05.272 --> 00:29:08.438
to step into the person
that I'm going to be.

483
00:29:08.473 --> 00:29:12.046
- Greatest fear will
be out of everything,

484
00:29:12.081 --> 00:29:14.081
not being able to come back down

485
00:29:14.116 --> 00:29:16.820
accomplishing what I need
to accomplish up there.

486
00:29:16.855 --> 00:29:18.415
- Stuff that would
bring me back down.

487
00:29:19.825 --> 00:29:23.420
If all the horns start
honking in the camp,

488
00:29:23.455 --> 00:29:25.928
I would be
hauling ass down here.

489
00:29:25.963 --> 00:29:28.590
- The only thing that
would bring me back

490
00:29:28.625 --> 00:29:32.264
is if there was whistles
blowing, medical emergency.

491
00:29:32.299 --> 00:29:34.398
- Nothing's gonna
make me come back

492
00:29:34.433 --> 00:29:37.005
unless it's a major catastrophe.

493
00:29:37.040 --> 00:29:39.733
I'm staying until I
have to come back.

494
00:29:39.768 --> 00:29:42.175
- As far as bringing you
back in, I don't know.

495
00:29:43.882 --> 00:29:45.310
The demons are
pretty fucking big.

496
00:29:46.775 --> 00:29:49.149
- What would bring me
back down is the demons.

497
00:29:51.351 --> 00:29:54.187
I'm hoping that they are
friendly than they have been.

498
00:29:55.960 --> 00:29:57.894
- What would bring me
down here is the unknown.

499
00:30:01.031 --> 00:30:04.263
- What would bring me back
down would be medical issue.

500
00:30:04.298 --> 00:30:07.497
- The only thing that
could bring me back down

501
00:30:07.532 --> 00:30:10.566
is if you guys come
up here and get me.

502
00:30:12.240 --> 00:30:15.010
- It's gonna be
pretty darn serious

503
00:30:15.045 --> 00:30:17.441
for me to come back down, it's
gonna be life-threatening.

504
00:30:17.476 --> 00:30:20.983
Other than that, I'm
not gonna see you guys

505
00:30:21.018 --> 00:30:22.018
until that fifth morning.

506
00:30:24.417 --> 00:30:28.716
- It's time for some last
hugs and saying goodbye.

507
00:30:28.751 --> 00:30:31.257
And once we're done
with that, off you go.

508
00:30:38.695 --> 00:30:40.211
- And when you feel
ready, one at a time,

509
00:30:40.235 --> 00:30:43.467
step into the circle so that
Chris and I can send you off.

510
00:30:43.502 --> 00:30:44.974
Yeah, come on.

511
00:30:45.009 --> 00:30:47.042
Once you're smudged out,
collect your things

512
00:30:47.077 --> 00:30:48.109
and make your way up.

513
00:32:44.359 --> 00:32:48.262
- Rites of passage, there's
one of those fundamental things

514
00:32:48.297 --> 00:32:50.297
is missing in our culture now.

515
00:32:50.332 --> 00:32:53.894
We've lost that ability to
mark important events in life.

516
00:32:55.799 --> 00:32:58.217
And along with that, we've lost
a lot of the meaning in life.

517
00:32:58.241 --> 00:33:00.340
We've lost ritual and ceremony.

518
00:33:04.049 --> 00:33:08.216
- Threshold, the threshold
where we separate

519
00:33:08.251 --> 00:33:10.977
the wheat from the
chaff is painful

520
00:33:11.012 --> 00:33:14.453
and it's meant to be so
in some ways.

521
00:33:14.488 --> 00:33:18.226
An opportunity without those
distractions and without food

522
00:33:18.261 --> 00:33:22.296
to become closer to
ourselves, to turn inward.

523
00:33:22.331 --> 00:33:24.661
- The time of going
into the darkness,

524
00:33:24.696 --> 00:33:28.137
going into the deepest
part of our psyche.

525
00:33:28.172 --> 00:33:30.370
You're moving from
this material world

526
00:33:30.405 --> 00:33:32.405
into that more liminal
or spiritual world

527
00:33:32.440 --> 00:33:34.968
where a tree can
talk back to you,

528
00:33:35.003 --> 00:33:37.707
a rock and say stuff to
you and you can listen.

529
00:33:39.678 --> 00:33:42.580
It is the time of the beginning
of the great shifting.

530
00:33:46.916 --> 00:33:50.786
- My plan and goal
on this four day fast

531
00:33:53.197 --> 00:33:54.691
is to

532
00:33:59.368 --> 00:34:01.027
emotionally and spiritually

533
00:34:01.062 --> 00:34:05.240
die and be reborn.

534
00:34:06.804 --> 00:34:09.706
- Let me bring you
over to my cave.

535
00:34:11.809 --> 00:34:13.083
I have four gallons of water.

536
00:34:16.319 --> 00:34:20.288
I'm using my
backpack as a pillow,

537
00:34:20.323 --> 00:34:23.984
got my old TG hat on the go.

538
00:34:25.493 --> 00:34:28.725
Also whenever I need
to address real quick,

539
00:34:28.760 --> 00:34:30.364
I got a set of clothes.

540
00:34:30.399 --> 00:34:32.630
Hopefully they stay dry.

541
00:34:32.665 --> 00:34:36.568
That's my home for
the next four days.

542
00:34:36.603 --> 00:34:40.803
It's not the prettiest, but
it keeps me out of the sun.

543
00:34:40.838 --> 00:34:45.610
- Finally got a tarp up
and took a nice nap.

544
00:34:48.252 --> 00:34:49.252
And it's hot.

545
00:35:20.779 --> 00:35:22.515
- I'll pretty much
be set up here.

546
00:35:26.653 --> 00:35:30.160
Parent call upon those
ancestors in the land

547
00:35:32.197 --> 00:35:35.330
and mother nature for
guidance and safety.

548
00:35:39.061 --> 00:35:43.866
The rocks, the hill,
the low ground,

549
00:35:47.069 --> 00:35:51.973
the green pasture is
definitely a blessing.

550
00:35:52.008 --> 00:35:54.547
- This is peaceful as heck.

551
00:35:54.582 --> 00:35:56.516
Can't say fun,
but it's very peaceful.

552
00:35:58.223 --> 00:35:59.849
You take a look around.

553
00:36:02.227 --> 00:36:05.228
As you can see, we're in the
middle of fucking nowhere.

554
00:36:06.759 --> 00:36:08.671
- But I just keep walking
because sitting around

555
00:36:08.695 --> 00:36:12.169
thinking about food is worse.

556
00:36:14.536 --> 00:36:18.538
- The biblical

557
00:36:18.573 --> 00:36:23.345
and middle Eastern

558
00:36:24.447 --> 00:36:26.172
prophets.

559
00:36:26.207 --> 00:36:28.581
Most of them had
the journey through the desert.

560
00:36:29.881 --> 00:36:32.387
Jesus fasted 40 days, 40 nights.

561
00:36:34.083 --> 00:36:38.855
The Buddha, he fasted,

562
00:36:38.890 --> 00:36:41.891
Prophet Mohammed,
so many others.

563
00:36:41.926 --> 00:36:43.992
Different religions,
different spiritual,

564
00:36:44.027 --> 00:36:46.060
cultural traditions.

565
00:37:05.081 --> 00:37:09.017
- I spent eight
years in the Navy,

566
00:37:09.052 --> 00:37:11.921
experienced a whole lot
of different things,

567
00:37:11.956 --> 00:37:15.397
that shipwrecks, watching
people get crushed

568
00:37:15.432 --> 00:37:18.961
and being part of
moving body parts,

569
00:37:18.996 --> 00:37:23.273
pulling the flesh arm out
of a socket of a torso,

570
00:37:23.308 --> 00:37:27.541
seeing people chopped in
half and guts falling out.

571
00:37:27.576 --> 00:37:29.807
But you don't go down to medical

572
00:37:29.842 --> 00:37:32.744
and say that you
haven't dreams of shit.

573
00:37:32.779 --> 00:37:34.042
You know what I'm saying?

574
00:37:34.077 --> 00:37:37.210
If you go down, you're
a punk, you're weak.

575
00:37:37.245 --> 00:37:38.816
This is what they'd tell you.

576
00:37:38.851 --> 00:37:42.655
Forget what you just did,
there's nothing wrong with you.

577
00:37:44.021 --> 00:37:45.541
You a pussy if you
go to the medical.

578
00:37:46.529 --> 00:37:48.056
I just saw this little girl

579
00:37:48.091 --> 00:37:50.267
that appears to
be five years old.

580
00:37:51.699 --> 00:37:53.512
I see the expression on
this little kid's face

581
00:37:53.536 --> 00:37:56.768
because rigor mortis set
in and they were in pain

582
00:37:56.803 --> 00:37:58.572
when they died.

583
00:37:58.607 --> 00:37:59.639
How am I weak?

584
00:38:00.873 --> 00:38:03.478
This guy, his face, his head.

585
00:38:05.174 --> 00:38:09.451
I gotta pick up somebody's
head that the last expression

586
00:38:09.486 --> 00:38:11.783
on their face,
I'm looking at it.

587
00:38:11.818 --> 00:38:13.521
So how the hell are
you gonna tell me

588
00:38:13.556 --> 00:38:14.852
that that's not real?

589
00:38:14.887 --> 00:38:16.854
That forget about
it in three days.

590
00:38:18.858 --> 00:38:22.662
Civilians say, "Oh,
you signed up for that."

591
00:38:22.697 --> 00:38:25.335
You got dick heads
that say that.

592
00:38:25.370 --> 00:38:30.197
"That's what you signed up
for, then you deal with it.

593
00:38:30.232 --> 00:38:32.639
"You don't need to get
a check every month for that."

594
00:38:36.172 --> 00:38:39.514
- When you become
baptized in fire

595
00:38:40.880 --> 00:38:44.310
from being on suicide
missions in Iraq,

596
00:38:44.345 --> 00:38:47.280
sometimes you can have
a look in your eye

597
00:38:47.315 --> 00:38:50.624
that only the people who were
actually on the ground with you

598
00:38:50.659 --> 00:38:53.726
and that survive can understand.

599
00:38:55.598 --> 00:39:00.029
We had been training day
and night to cut off emotions,

600
00:39:00.064 --> 00:39:03.571
cut off feeling pain
in order to survive.

601
00:39:05.003 --> 00:39:07.410
When those memories come,
people look at me

602
00:39:07.445 --> 00:39:09.577
like what's going on.

603
00:39:11.878 --> 00:39:15.209
Non veterans can normalize
the veteran experience

604
00:39:15.244 --> 00:39:17.915
by hearing veterans
talk about their experiences.

605
00:39:19.347 --> 00:39:22.425
And so then non veterans
don't give you the look

606
00:39:22.460 --> 00:39:23.855
out the side of their eyes

607
00:39:28.191 --> 00:39:30.664
when you may have
a moment of anxiety,

608
00:39:30.699 --> 00:39:33.293
when you have those
combat memories.

609
00:39:43.712 --> 00:39:47.142
- All right, everybody
is day one, night one.

610
00:39:53.084 --> 00:39:54.248
It's pretty dark.

611
00:39:56.758 --> 00:39:59.429
I'm not afraid of
nothing too much.

612
00:40:04.799 --> 00:40:06.392
I got my Boonie knife

613
00:40:06.427 --> 00:40:08.438
on guard

614
00:40:10.937 --> 00:40:14.543
in case somebody try
to come and get my ass.

615
00:40:14.578 --> 00:40:16.776
I guess the coyotes are here.

616
00:40:18.109 --> 00:40:19.878
That shit don't
bother me at all.

617
00:40:19.913 --> 00:40:21.946
So that's it for tonight.

618
00:40:26.282 --> 00:40:27.282
Catch y'all later.

619
00:40:47.171 --> 00:40:49.303
Good morning y'all.

620
00:40:49.338 --> 00:40:53.175
Has beautiful morning to
make it over overnight.

621
00:40:55.520 --> 00:41:00.215
Last night, it was
somewhat little scary

622
00:41:01.856 --> 00:41:06.254
and also somewhat fearful

623
00:41:06.289 --> 00:41:10.159
and fearless all
at the same time.

624
00:41:12.196 --> 00:41:15.670
Those materialistic
things in the world,

625
00:41:15.705 --> 00:41:17.232
it don't even matter here.

626
00:41:19.005 --> 00:41:23.205
That you appreciate
who you love,

627
00:41:23.240 --> 00:41:26.010
who you cherish

628
00:41:26.045 --> 00:41:27.045
and what's important.

629
00:41:31.556 --> 00:41:34.854
- The first explosion was a
1500 pound vehicle born IED.

630
00:41:37.320 --> 00:41:39.892
I froze, I couldn't
call up on the radio

631
00:41:39.927 --> 00:41:42.862
that my buddy had died.

632
00:41:42.897 --> 00:41:46.701
And I had to pull security

633
00:41:46.736 --> 00:41:51.134
and do my job when he's dying.

634
00:41:51.169 --> 00:41:53.070
There's nothing
I can do for him.

635
00:41:53.105 --> 00:41:55.644
And then on the other side,
there were women

636
00:41:55.679 --> 00:41:57.580
that were sweeping
their driveways that day

637
00:41:57.615 --> 00:42:00.077
and the children were
walking home from school

638
00:42:00.112 --> 00:42:01.584
and they're lying dead.

639
00:42:03.511 --> 00:42:06.182
And they're screaming
and crowds are coming.

640
00:42:08.120 --> 00:42:10.186
From that day on,
my heart was broken

641
00:42:12.861 --> 00:42:17.765
and it was about
just doing my job

642
00:42:17.800 --> 00:42:21.901
to the best that I could.

643
00:42:21.936 --> 00:42:24.607
Pretty shortly after I
was diagnosed with PTSD.

644
00:42:27.909 --> 00:42:30.778
I still hear those kids
screaming that day.

645
00:43:21.765 --> 00:43:26.394
- Being out here in nature

646
00:43:26.429 --> 00:43:28.528
definitely has taken a
different effect on me,

647
00:43:32.875 --> 00:43:35.502
medically reducing my
post-traumatic stress.

648
00:43:36.813 --> 00:43:41.607
I haven't had any anxiety,

649
00:43:41.642 --> 00:43:43.477
any depression.

650
00:43:43.512 --> 00:43:45.479
I must admit though,
it is a bit lonely.

651
00:43:56.459 --> 00:43:58.107
- We spent a couple of
hours talking to him

652
00:43:58.131 --> 00:44:00.769
and really getting down
deep into what's the fear,

653
00:44:00.804 --> 00:44:02.364
what is it.

654
00:44:03.708 --> 00:44:05.180
Sitting at the edge
of the cliff there,

655
00:44:05.204 --> 00:44:08.469
about to throw himself off,
did the best we could

656
00:44:08.504 --> 00:44:12.143
to let him know that this
is the place he needs to be.

657
00:44:12.178 --> 00:44:13.375
And if he leaves early,

658
00:44:13.410 --> 00:44:15.179
he's not getting what
he needs to get.

659
00:44:15.214 --> 00:44:18.116
At one point it was,
"So you guys are gonna try.

660
00:44:18.151 --> 00:44:19.623
"You're gonna sit here
and tell you think

661
00:44:19.647 --> 00:44:21.328
"you're gonna convince
me, well you're not."

662
00:44:21.352 --> 00:44:22.857
And I said,
"Yeah, I get it, man.

663
00:44:22.892 --> 00:44:24.254
"I've been there."

664
00:44:26.060 --> 00:44:28.489
And so we worked as hard
as we could a long time

665
00:44:28.524 --> 00:44:32.064
and there was never
an inch of an opening.

666
00:44:32.099 --> 00:44:34.495
Told him we'll hold
him here in base camp.

667
00:44:34.530 --> 00:44:38.972
And if he gets halfway
home and realizes

668
00:44:39.007 --> 00:44:40.743
that he hadn't
done his work yet,

669
00:44:42.340 --> 00:44:43.977
always welcome to come back

670
00:44:44.012 --> 00:44:45.913
and finish off the ceremony

671
00:44:45.948 --> 00:44:47.882
in any way that
feels appropriate

672
00:44:47.917 --> 00:44:49.818
and just wishing him
the very, very best.

673
00:44:49.853 --> 00:44:51.677
That's all we could do.

674
00:44:51.712 --> 00:44:54.482
20 years I've been
around this ceremony

675
00:44:54.517 --> 00:44:58.123
and 18 years of actively
leading these things.

676
00:45:00.226 --> 00:45:01.335
I've never had anybody
actually leave.

677
00:45:01.359 --> 00:45:02.359
And boy, it hit me.

678
00:45:02.393 --> 00:45:04.129
It still hits me

679
00:45:12.942 --> 00:45:14.601
- How are y'all doing?

680
00:45:16.440 --> 00:45:17.538
Still day two.

681
00:45:20.114 --> 00:45:22.818
The sun is hot as hell.

682
00:45:25.251 --> 00:45:27.581
It's burning out hot.

683
00:45:31.389 --> 00:45:33.719
- I wanna get in
that water so bad.

684
00:45:33.754 --> 00:45:38.691
Sitting at my little shelter

685
00:45:38.726 --> 00:45:40.968
gets pretty boring.

686
00:45:41.003 --> 00:45:43.234
And then my mind gets
all on how I want food

687
00:45:43.269 --> 00:45:46.105
and wonder what am I
doing here and all that.

688
00:46:05.830 --> 00:46:08.127
I'm going over a lot of things.

689
00:46:09.460 --> 00:46:14.397
It's nice to be alone,

690
00:46:14.432 --> 00:46:19.435
but not isolated.

691
00:46:19.470 --> 00:46:21.976
When I'm in the city, I can hide

692
00:46:24.772 --> 00:46:29.445
with thousands of people
around and uncomfortable

693
00:46:29.480 --> 00:46:32.184
and scared and don't
wanna be there.

694
00:46:32.219 --> 00:46:36.155
Out here, I'm alone

695
00:46:36.190 --> 00:46:37.552
and I'm happy.

696
00:46:41.998 --> 00:46:44.328
I think work taught
me that people,

697
00:46:44.363 --> 00:46:48.871
humans can be
scary, really scary.

698
00:46:55.803 --> 00:46:58.012
I can defend from this

699
00:46:58.047 --> 00:47:00.509
if anything was
gonna come this way.

700
00:47:04.218 --> 00:47:06.955
I set this booby trap stick up.

701
00:47:06.990 --> 00:47:09.056
If they knock it down, I hear.

702
00:47:12.028 --> 00:47:13.962
And ain't the best,
but I'm damn sure

703
00:47:13.997 --> 00:47:15.931
something better than nothing.

704
00:47:17.429 --> 00:47:19.759
Nature's definitely talking.

705
00:47:24.535 --> 00:47:26.568
Those rocks and those
trees over there,

706
00:47:28.011 --> 00:47:30.176
they knew I was there.

707
00:47:30.211 --> 00:47:31.491
I started hearing a funny noise.

708
00:47:35.348 --> 00:47:37.051
I feel something around me.

709
00:47:37.086 --> 00:47:39.713
I always got this
thought or something

710
00:47:39.748 --> 00:47:41.583
looking at me watching me.

711
00:47:43.257 --> 00:47:47.721
I can't see it but I can
sure make them hear me.

712
00:48:03.640 --> 00:48:07.950
- I've decided to
dedicate day three fasting

713
00:48:07.985 --> 00:48:12.020
to find true purpose
for me returning

714
00:48:12.055 --> 00:48:14.451
back to United States

715
00:48:14.486 --> 00:48:18.455
from Iraq, Afghanistan, and
being placed back into society.

716
00:48:20.162 --> 00:48:23.295
I must admit after 12 years,

717
00:48:23.330 --> 00:48:25.462
it's been very confusing

718
00:48:25.497 --> 00:48:28.729
as to how I was supposed to

719
00:48:28.764 --> 00:48:31.204
go back to the community

720
00:48:31.239 --> 00:48:32.601
to return home.

721
00:48:52.854 --> 00:48:55.822
- It was definitely
clear this morning.

722
00:48:55.857 --> 00:48:58.660
I was honestly done on day two.

723
00:48:58.695 --> 00:49:02.004
- This ceremony
is 40,000 years old.

724
00:49:02.039 --> 00:49:06.503
Four days, gives time for
this stuff to sink deeply

725
00:49:06.538 --> 00:49:09.737
through our heads
and our brains and our hearts

726
00:49:09.772 --> 00:49:13.609
and our groins all the
way down into the earth.

727
00:49:13.644 --> 00:49:18.647
- I do respect the tradition,

728
00:49:18.682 --> 00:49:22.123
but something inside
just feels it's ready.

729
00:49:22.158 --> 00:49:26.193
- What about the peace of coming
in with the rest of that tribe?

730
00:49:26.228 --> 00:49:28.268
- I don't know, it's not
about them, it's about me.

731
00:49:31.068 --> 00:49:34.960
And as much as I would love
to come back in with them,

732
00:49:34.995 --> 00:49:38.469
I feel like it is my ceremony.

733
00:49:38.504 --> 00:49:41.934
- To me, it's becoming
the collective theme,

734
00:49:41.969 --> 00:49:45.179
is the self love

735
00:49:45.214 --> 00:49:47.049
and taking care of yourself.

736
00:49:47.084 --> 00:49:49.513
And I really wanna honor
that that's where you are

737
00:49:49.548 --> 00:49:51.944
or you've sucked it up enough.

738
00:49:51.979 --> 00:49:54.056
You have sucked it up
enough and I trust and honor

739
00:49:54.091 --> 00:49:56.355
who you are and who
you're becoming.

740
00:49:56.390 --> 00:49:59.523
- I am a strong leader
who is loving,

741
00:49:59.558 --> 00:50:00.689
passionate,

742
00:50:00.724 --> 00:50:02.130
who cares greatly

743
00:50:02.165 --> 00:50:04.033
for those around them,

744
00:50:04.068 --> 00:50:06.002
especially his adult self.

745
00:50:13.110 --> 00:50:14.549
- He's got traumatic
brain injuries.

746
00:50:14.573 --> 00:50:18.047
The chances of seizure
with traumatic brain injury

747
00:50:18.082 --> 00:50:21.149
are increased dramatically
when you don't sleep.

748
00:50:21.184 --> 00:50:23.085
And he wants to do an
all night vigil tonight,

749
00:50:23.120 --> 00:50:25.549
so he wants to be closed.

750
00:50:54.041 --> 00:50:56.382
- I wanna say fuck racist.

751
00:50:56.417 --> 00:50:59.913
Fuck you racist
bitches in America.

752
00:50:59.948 --> 00:51:03.048
Fuck all you cock sucking
son of a bitches.

753
00:51:03.083 --> 00:51:06.788
I swear to God, I wish I
can line all you racist,

754
00:51:06.823 --> 00:51:09.593
pussy ass motherfuckers up.

755
00:51:09.628 --> 00:51:14.202
I motherfucking goddamn
served my country,

756
00:51:14.237 --> 00:51:16.864
served it fucking
honorably and you fuck me

757
00:51:16.899 --> 00:51:19.372
because I'm fucking Black.

758
00:51:19.407 --> 00:51:21.473
Fuck you.

759
00:51:21.508 --> 00:51:24.212
Fuck you, you son of a bitch.

760
00:51:24.247 --> 00:51:27.149
I can't stand you,
pussy ass motherfuckers.

761
00:51:27.184 --> 00:51:29.943
Fuck all you racist
son of a bitches.

762
00:51:29.978 --> 00:51:33.584
Fuck all y'all, I can't
fucking stand y'all.

763
00:51:33.619 --> 00:51:36.785
You don't want a Black
man with shit around here.

764
00:51:36.820 --> 00:51:38.985
You give us this fucking much,

765
00:51:39.020 --> 00:51:41.922
but then you take
this fucking much.

766
00:51:41.957 --> 00:51:44.265
It's all about money.

767
00:51:44.300 --> 00:51:49.094
We put our life on the
line so you can stand up

768
00:51:49.129 --> 00:51:50.139
and fuck us in the ass.

769
00:51:51.934 --> 00:51:54.605
We fucking served our country,

770
00:51:54.640 --> 00:51:57.102
we love our fucking country.

771
00:51:57.137 --> 00:51:59.709
We know we have freedom,
but we ain't free.

772
00:52:04.012 --> 00:52:06.012
We're not free
in our own country.

773
00:52:08.016 --> 00:52:10.115
I've got some for you fuck ass

774
00:52:10.150 --> 00:52:13.987
'cause I'm gone goddamn make
it here, I'm gonna succeed.

775
00:52:14.022 --> 00:52:17.133
If you like it or not,
I'm talking to you.

776
00:52:29.642 --> 00:52:33.314
- I don't think I could do
this if I wouldn't have found

777
00:52:33.349 --> 00:52:37.516
my own meditation and
mindfulness practice before,

778
00:52:37.551 --> 00:52:41.322
and I really helped just
being in the moment.

779
00:52:41.357 --> 00:52:45.018
Sometimes even just
walking and just focusing

780
00:52:45.053 --> 00:52:48.329
on right, left, right,
left, right, left.

781
00:52:51.268 --> 00:52:53.169
Not letting my mind
get too far from here.

782
00:53:10.947 --> 00:53:15.587
- The whole time I was in
Iraq, I worked at night

783
00:53:15.622 --> 00:53:18.722
and we were mortared
all the time.

784
00:53:18.757 --> 00:53:20.658
I worked the volunteer
hospital service,

785
00:53:20.693 --> 00:53:23.232
seeing soldiers come in.

786
00:53:23.267 --> 00:53:26.367
Citizens, kids just blown up.

787
00:53:28.129 --> 00:53:30.437
One night we were there
and we're watching DVDs

788
00:53:30.472 --> 00:53:32.901
in this waiting room
also when we got the call,

789
00:53:32.936 --> 00:53:35.508
okay, incoming,
incoming, wounded.

790
00:53:35.543 --> 00:53:37.840
And we'd go out to cart these
people off the helicopter.

791
00:53:37.875 --> 00:53:42.680
And one of them is burned with
a black bag over his head,

792
00:53:42.715 --> 00:53:44.583
handcuffed, wounded.

793
00:53:44.618 --> 00:53:47.113
And we put him in the corner
in the waiting room.

794
00:53:47.148 --> 00:53:51.392
So here's this human,
the black bag over his head

795
00:53:52.626 --> 00:53:55.561
curled up in the corner,

796
00:53:55.596 --> 00:53:59.026
hogtied while people are
watching a sitcom

797
00:53:59.061 --> 00:54:01.270
on the TV laughing.

798
00:54:02.999 --> 00:54:06.099
That imprinted on me

799
00:54:06.134 --> 00:54:09.806
confusion,

800
00:54:09.841 --> 00:54:11.137
what are we doing.

801
00:54:15.275 --> 00:54:17.319
- When I'm laying down,
trying to go to sleep

802
00:54:17.354 --> 00:54:20.487
when everything is quiet

803
00:54:20.522 --> 00:54:22.555
and I don't have other things

804
00:54:22.590 --> 00:54:25.085
distracting my mind from war,

805
00:54:25.120 --> 00:54:27.626
I would say my average
hours of sleep,

806
00:54:27.661 --> 00:54:30.959
it'll probably be
about four and a half.

807
00:54:33.293 --> 00:54:35.799
When we were staying in
Baghdad international airport,

808
00:54:35.834 --> 00:54:38.340
mortars almost used to
hit us all the time.

809
00:54:40.300 --> 00:54:44.137
So I began to learn how
to actually get sleep

810
00:54:44.172 --> 00:54:45.842
with bombs going off.

811
00:54:47.450 --> 00:54:49.747
One of those mornings
actually came in and hit,

812
00:54:49.782 --> 00:54:51.243
I wouldn't be able to wake up.

813
00:54:51.278 --> 00:54:53.179
My buddy Morales
he might've been killed,

814
00:54:53.214 --> 00:54:55.819
I might've been killed.

815
00:54:55.854 --> 00:54:58.789
So sometimes I just lay there
and think about like

816
00:54:58.824 --> 00:55:01.330
how come none of those
motors never actually hit.

817
00:55:01.365 --> 00:55:04.025
Like, damn, why am I
such a lucky bastard?

818
00:56:18.706 --> 00:56:22.609
- I was able to meet demons
that are following me.

819
00:56:23.975 --> 00:56:28.945
And before I engaged

820
00:56:28.980 --> 00:56:32.113
in battle with them,

821
00:56:32.148 --> 00:56:36.953
I invited them

822
00:56:36.988 --> 00:56:38.559
to a cup of water.

823
00:56:46.602 --> 00:56:47.964
What a cool sunset.

824
00:56:51.002 --> 00:56:54.300
Went for a very long walk

825
00:56:54.335 --> 00:56:56.742
today in the midday sun,

826
00:56:56.777 --> 00:57:00.911
which was probably
not the smartest idea

827
00:57:00.946 --> 00:57:05.212
but I just needed to wander

828
00:57:05.247 --> 00:57:09.920
and saw a beautiful hawk

829
00:57:09.955 --> 00:57:13.088
that followed me
for about 45 minutes.

830
00:57:13.123 --> 00:57:16.663
Everybody should try to do
this once in their life.

831
00:57:16.698 --> 00:57:19.831
Just know that you can.

832
00:59:07.072 --> 00:59:08.577
- Everything is calm.

833
00:59:19.920 --> 00:59:22.415
- I finally made it to day five.

834
00:59:22.450 --> 00:59:25.484
To be completely honest,

835
00:59:28.324 --> 00:59:30.555
I don't know how I made it.

836
00:59:30.590 --> 00:59:34.163
I'm thankful for
being able to enlist

837
00:59:35.903 --> 00:59:37.331
in the United States army.

838
00:59:38.741 --> 00:59:42.039
It was actually an honor
to go serve in Iraq,

839
00:59:42.074 --> 00:59:44.206
to serve in Afghanistan.

840
00:59:44.241 --> 00:59:47.440
However, I didn't know

841
00:59:47.475 --> 00:59:51.378
that after I was
honorably discharged,

842
00:59:51.413 --> 00:59:54.887
I would one day have
post-traumatic stress

843
00:59:54.922 --> 00:59:57.384
and deal with more injury.

844
00:59:57.419 --> 01:00:00.827
But if this helped me
return home to my family,

845
01:00:00.862 --> 01:00:02.994
friends and society,

846
01:00:03.029 --> 01:00:05.227
then these four days
and four nights

847
01:00:05.262 --> 01:00:07.262
would not be in vain.

848
01:01:36.221 --> 01:01:38.859
- And come out of this time
of being alone in the dark

849
01:01:38.894 --> 01:01:40.091
just four days and nights.

850
01:01:44.229 --> 01:01:48.495
Light hits this plug that's
been in the belly button

851
01:01:48.530 --> 01:01:51.366
of mother earth during this
time to hold all your prayers.

852
01:01:53.436 --> 01:01:54.875
Now we're gonna
take the plug out

853
01:01:56.945 --> 01:01:59.440
so that mother earth
can hear your intentions

854
01:01:59.475 --> 01:02:00.947
as you come in here

855
01:02:00.982 --> 01:02:03.752
and hold all this any
time in this next year,

856
01:02:05.415 --> 01:02:09.483
your intention will be here
in this land to hold you.

857
01:02:59.304 --> 01:03:02.976
- I'm a brilliant adult man

858
01:03:03.011 --> 01:03:07.508
who loves himself,

859
01:03:07.543 --> 01:03:08.949
who is confident.

860
01:03:14.649 --> 01:03:17.716
Who loves his family,
loves his tribe.

861
01:03:24.967 --> 01:03:26.967
Loves his friends,

862
01:03:27.002 --> 01:03:29.695
and loves every living thing,

863
01:03:29.730 --> 01:03:31.565
on this fucking earth.

864
01:03:33.569 --> 01:03:36.174
Fuck yeah.

865
01:04:14.412 --> 01:04:16.214
- I am earth, I am fire.

866
01:04:23.454 --> 01:04:27.621
I am air and I am water.

867
01:04:30.263 --> 01:04:33.066
I'm a strong warrior!

868
01:04:55.420 --> 01:04:58.058
- We encourage the hugging
and the coming back in the body.

869
01:04:58.093 --> 01:05:00.225
This is the close of
the threshold phase

870
01:05:00.260 --> 01:05:02.854
and moving into the
incorporation phase.

871
01:05:02.889 --> 01:05:05.934
You all had very powerful
experiences, I'm sure

872
01:05:05.969 --> 01:05:07.892
out on the land.

873
01:05:07.927 --> 01:05:10.400
Everything between the time
that you crossed the threshold

874
01:05:10.435 --> 01:05:12.072
to the time that you returned,

875
01:05:12.107 --> 01:05:16.538
to mark that end of the
threshold phase is sacred.

876
01:05:16.573 --> 01:05:17.803
Hold it.

877
01:05:26.913 --> 01:05:28.231
- Duck your head, Chuck.
- Good call.

878
01:05:28.255 --> 01:05:30.882
- Yeah, I was.

879
01:05:45.008 --> 01:05:49.604
- Incorporation or
return to take the things

880
01:05:49.639 --> 01:05:52.475
that we have received
out on the land

881
01:05:52.510 --> 01:05:54.477
as a result of putting
things down

882
01:05:54.512 --> 01:05:57.084
and begin the process
of figuring out

883
01:05:57.119 --> 01:05:59.449
how to incorporate them
into our daily lives

884
01:05:59.484 --> 01:06:00.747
and into our walk.

885
01:06:00.782 --> 01:06:04.124
- Into the Corpus,
into the body.

886
01:06:04.159 --> 01:06:06.588
So you've been out
there on that land

887
01:06:06.623 --> 01:06:09.426
and you've been thresholding
and then it's time to come back

888
01:06:09.461 --> 01:06:11.692
into the body as you
go back into the world

889
01:06:11.727 --> 01:06:13.265
and you'll be tested.

890
01:06:13.300 --> 01:06:16.796
- Coming home and coming
back to this place

891
01:06:16.831 --> 01:06:18.380
and then going back
out into the world

892
01:06:18.404 --> 01:06:23.473
that truly can't hear

893
01:06:23.508 --> 01:06:25.970
and can't see what
we've been through.

894
01:06:26.005 --> 01:06:29.380
Not all that different from
coming home from service

895
01:06:29.415 --> 01:06:31.118
to a world that

896
01:06:31.153 --> 01:06:33.186
can't fully understand
or comprehend

897
01:06:33.221 --> 01:06:35.056
or wrap it's mind
around where we've been

898
01:06:35.091 --> 01:06:36.684
and what we've experienced.

899
01:06:36.719 --> 01:06:39.060
- We'll spend the day
just kind of recuperating,

900
01:06:39.095 --> 01:06:41.194
letting your story
bubble around.

901
01:06:41.229 --> 01:06:43.790
We'll go into Coulee city, boy.

902
01:06:43.825 --> 01:06:46.100
We're going into Coulee
city for a meal, big deal.

903
01:06:51.998 --> 01:06:54.405
- It's cold, I thought
it could be warm water.

904
01:06:54.440 --> 01:06:56.671
Who's idea was this?

905
01:07:51.596 --> 01:07:52.727
- Sun starts going down.

906
01:07:55.501 --> 01:07:58.139
The oh shit factor hit me.

907
01:07:58.174 --> 01:08:02.110
And it was the,
"What the hell am I doing?

908
01:08:02.145 --> 01:08:04.211
"I can't do this.

909
01:08:04.246 --> 01:08:06.323
"I'm out here, I'm supposed
to what, sleep under a tarp.

910
01:08:06.347 --> 01:08:08.479
"What, no, I can't do this."

911
01:08:08.514 --> 01:08:11.152
I was just scared shitless.

912
01:08:11.187 --> 01:08:14.419
And kind of took a step
back and was just like,

913
01:08:14.454 --> 01:08:17.455
"You know what, no,
these are your fears.

914
01:08:17.490 --> 01:08:18.984
"You have to grow Sheryl.

915
01:08:19.019 --> 01:08:20.799
"You need to do this, you
need to prove to yourself

916
01:08:20.823 --> 01:08:22.955
"that you are kickass
because you are."

917
01:08:22.990 --> 01:08:25.661
That first night when
the stars came out,

918
01:08:27.632 --> 01:08:28.928
I just broke down in tears.

919
01:08:31.174 --> 01:08:35.803
It was just, it was so
peaceful and just...

920
01:08:40.645 --> 01:08:42.414
The next thing I
know it's morning.

921
01:08:42.449 --> 01:08:46.077
I couldn't believe it, I slept
through that entire night.

922
01:08:46.112 --> 01:08:48.453
I didn't wake up once

923
01:08:48.488 --> 01:08:52.358
and it was
the absolute best sleep

924
01:08:52.393 --> 01:08:57.165
I had had in I can't
even remember how long.

925
01:08:57.200 --> 01:08:58.694
It did something to me.

926
01:08:58.729 --> 01:09:02.764
I woke up and I was
just so confident

927
01:09:02.799 --> 01:09:06.097
and it just kind of restored
this little voice inside of me.

928
01:09:06.132 --> 01:09:07.868
Like, "Yeah bitch, I told you.

929
01:09:07.903 --> 01:09:10.475
"Why did you have doubt,
like you've got this."

930
01:09:10.510 --> 01:09:13.005
The last time
I saw stars like that

931
01:09:13.040 --> 01:09:16.184
was in the middle
of the Pacific ocean in transit.

932
01:09:16.219 --> 01:09:20.111
Every night,
it was like a bedtime story

933
01:09:20.146 --> 01:09:24.291
or that lullaby
singing you to sleep.

934
01:09:24.326 --> 01:09:27.690
One of the most healing

935
01:09:27.725 --> 01:09:29.296
parts happened,

936
01:09:29.331 --> 01:09:33.399
I was journaling and I looked
over at a little sage brush

937
01:09:33.434 --> 01:09:35.632
and there was a caterpillar

938
01:09:35.667 --> 01:09:38.866
crawling on the stem

939
01:09:38.901 --> 01:09:43.541
and it just

940
01:09:43.576 --> 01:09:46.412
brought forth this memory
from my childhood.

941
01:09:46.447 --> 01:09:49.008
And it was probably the
last time that I absolutely

942
01:09:49.043 --> 01:09:50.746
truly remember being happy.

943
01:09:53.014 --> 01:09:56.147
And it's like I had

944
01:09:56.182 --> 01:09:58.490
this long conversation
with this caterpillar.

945
01:09:58.525 --> 01:10:02.153
And it's just like,
you know what?

946
01:10:02.188 --> 01:10:04.727
It's okay, you can be happy.

947
01:10:04.762 --> 01:10:07.532
I felt like I was using
it now as a celebration

948
01:10:07.567 --> 01:10:11.569
and just honoring
everything around me

949
01:10:11.604 --> 01:10:13.703
that was bringing me joy.

950
01:10:20.481 --> 01:10:24.010
- So, I wanna start
with the word pride.

951
01:10:24.045 --> 01:10:26.782
I spent most of the
first day thinking,

952
01:10:26.817 --> 01:10:29.488
what the hell is a blind
guy doing out here?

953
01:10:31.217 --> 01:10:34.053
I can't do walkabouts
like everybody else.

954
01:10:34.088 --> 01:10:38.057
I was afraid to look for
rocks because of bugs

955
01:10:38.092 --> 01:10:39.828
and snakes and whatever.

956
01:10:41.601 --> 01:10:45.735
So I spent the first
day pretty much pissed off

957
01:10:45.770 --> 01:10:48.606
because I was blind.

958
01:10:51.171 --> 01:10:52.973
Pride.

959
01:10:53.008 --> 01:10:54.491
I think it was the night
of the second night,

960
01:10:54.515 --> 01:10:56.944
I started having light diarrhea.

961
01:10:56.979 --> 01:11:00.046
And then the third day
it was pretty rough.

962
01:11:00.081 --> 01:11:01.586
My blood sugars were tanking,

963
01:11:01.621 --> 01:11:03.951
I kept getting low and I
was eating glucose tablets

964
01:11:03.986 --> 01:11:06.052
like they were crack.

965
01:11:06.087 --> 01:11:07.966
Sometime in the afternoon,
I got really afraid

966
01:11:07.990 --> 01:11:11.057
and I didn't wanna tell the
leadership that I had diarrhea

967
01:11:11.092 --> 01:11:12.795
'cause I thought
they'd make me come in.

968
01:11:12.830 --> 01:11:15.402
Again, pride.

969
01:11:15.437 --> 01:11:20.407
And I didn't wanna tell
anybody that I was...

970
01:11:20.442 --> 01:11:22.904
I didn't wanna tell
anybody that I was afraid

971
01:11:22.939 --> 01:11:24.774
because I'm blind
and I want everybody

972
01:11:24.809 --> 01:11:27.975
to know that I'm whole.

973
01:11:34.555 --> 01:11:36.687
And then an angel showed up

974
01:11:40.396 --> 01:11:43.595
Chris, I called to tell
her about my blood sugar

975
01:11:43.630 --> 01:11:47.434
and something
happened to the radio.

976
01:11:47.469 --> 01:11:49.502
And just all of
a sudden she was there.

977
01:11:49.537 --> 01:11:54.100
Somehow she knew that
I was on the edge.

978
01:11:54.135 --> 01:11:57.037
Somehow she knew that

979
01:11:57.072 --> 01:12:00.205
if I could have come down here,
I would have.

980
01:12:00.240 --> 01:12:03.043
So Chris laid down on the ground

981
01:12:03.078 --> 01:12:06.079
and we held hands and
we talked and I cried.

982
01:12:09.392 --> 01:12:11.854
I confessed how weak I was,
but I was still prideful.

983
01:12:11.889 --> 01:12:15.660
I told Chris that at the end,

984
01:12:15.695 --> 01:12:19.565
my intent was to walk
down here by myself.

985
01:12:19.600 --> 01:12:21.963
So then the final morning
and I'm sitting there

986
01:12:21.998 --> 01:12:25.835
and I'm so weak and
I'm very disoriented

987
01:12:25.870 --> 01:12:29.003
and I'm just, I'm on the edge.

988
01:12:30.743 --> 01:12:32.171
And I heard this voice.

989
01:12:35.847 --> 01:12:37.418
And the voice told me,

990
01:12:37.453 --> 01:12:40.080
you gotta stop being proud.

991
01:12:44.086 --> 01:12:48.154
These people are here
because they wanna help you,

992
01:12:48.189 --> 01:12:49.793
accept their help.

993
01:12:51.258 --> 01:12:54.259
And the next thing I know, Ryan,

994
01:12:54.294 --> 01:12:56.063
Tim and Brandon

995
01:12:56.098 --> 01:13:00.869
walk into my camp
literally within seconds.

996
01:13:03.941 --> 01:13:05.842
The other weird thing
is when they walked in,

997
01:13:05.877 --> 01:13:07.943
I wasn't startled
that they were there

998
01:13:07.978 --> 01:13:10.385
because the spirit had
told me to accept the help.

999
01:13:14.622 --> 01:13:17.887
And before I knew it,
almost all of my stuff was gone.

1000
01:13:17.922 --> 01:13:22.023
As exhausted as they were,
these three men picked up

1001
01:13:22.058 --> 01:13:25.356
all my shit and took it down
here without even saying,

1002
01:13:25.391 --> 01:13:27.600
Oh, fuck, I'm tired or
I don't wanna do this.

1003
01:13:27.635 --> 01:13:31.802
They all did it because
they wanted to do it.

1004
01:13:31.837 --> 01:13:34.772
But I still insisted
being prideful.

1005
01:13:34.807 --> 01:13:38.743
I told all three of them,
I'm walking in alone.

1006
01:13:38.778 --> 01:13:40.547
At that point,
I had my backpack,

1007
01:13:40.582 --> 01:13:43.880
the chair and my water jugs.

1008
01:13:43.915 --> 01:13:45.651
Then the next thing
I know, lan shows up

1009
01:13:51.021 --> 01:13:53.956
and lan just guides me in
and I just surrendered

1010
01:13:53.991 --> 01:13:56.530
at that point,
I just surrendered.

1011
01:13:58.633 --> 01:14:02.602
And I said, just fuck the pride,

1012
01:14:02.637 --> 01:14:04.098
I just wanna be me

1013
01:14:04.133 --> 01:14:06.199
and I just wanna accept.

1014
01:14:10.612 --> 01:14:12.249
At that point I think
I finally accepted

1015
01:14:12.273 --> 01:14:14.779
the fact that I'm blind.

1016
01:14:14.814 --> 01:14:18.882
And I can tell you,
I've told people for years

1017
01:14:20.556 --> 01:14:21.962
that I'm totally okay
with being blind,

1018
01:14:21.986 --> 01:14:23.381
but I guess I wasn't.

1019
01:14:30.698 --> 01:14:33.127
- I can't tell you Chuck,

1020
01:14:33.162 --> 01:14:36.768
when I think about you out
there on that land this time,

1021
01:14:36.803 --> 01:14:39.672
it's just such respect,
such love for you, man.

1022
01:14:43.502 --> 01:14:46.338
This isn't a story of wholeness,
I don't know what is Chuck.

1023
01:14:48.408 --> 01:14:50.551
He wants this blindness thing

1024
01:14:50.586 --> 01:14:52.982
to go away

1025
01:14:53.017 --> 01:14:56.315
so he can be a whole man

1026
01:14:56.350 --> 01:14:59.186
and the gods and goddesses
are laughing up there

1027
01:14:59.221 --> 01:15:02.563
because they know what
a whole man this man is.

1028
01:15:04.732 --> 01:15:08.734
It's done Chuck, it's done.
You hear that?

1029
01:15:08.769 --> 01:15:11.968
What you went out there to
claim around relationship,

1030
01:15:12.003 --> 01:15:15.510
around wholeness, done.

1031
01:15:18.009 --> 01:15:20.845
You don't have to do
anything 'cause spirit

1032
01:15:20.880 --> 01:15:22.308
has a way of working

1033
01:15:22.343 --> 01:15:23.848
in this world

1034
01:15:23.883 --> 01:15:27.313
and you followed that spirit
right to this beautiful man

1035
01:15:27.348 --> 01:15:31.053
who needed to know
that he can accept help

1036
01:15:31.088 --> 01:15:33.418
because he is a blind man
and that has nothing

1037
01:15:33.453 --> 01:15:36.696
fucking to do with
wholeness, nothing.

1038
01:16:22.469 --> 01:16:24.656
- It was a trigger of PTSD,
it was the sound of thunder

1039
01:16:24.680 --> 01:16:29.210
as if it was some
sort of explosion.

1040
01:16:29.245 --> 01:16:33.918
Prior to that, I actually
didn't cry a whole lot

1041
01:16:33.953 --> 01:16:36.316
and my body needed
to release it.

1042
01:16:36.351 --> 01:16:39.121
And nature was working with us.

1043
01:16:39.156 --> 01:16:43.125
It was in a safe space that
was held by the natural world,

1044
01:16:43.160 --> 01:16:47.096
extraordinary guides and
these beautiful veterans

1045
01:16:47.131 --> 01:16:48.867
that are my comrades.

1046
01:17:13.619 --> 01:17:16.356
- I dedicated this fast
to my grandmother,

1047
01:17:16.391 --> 01:17:19.524
who I didn't get a chance
to go to her funeral

1048
01:17:19.559 --> 01:17:21.768
because I was in
Iraq at the time.

1049
01:17:21.803 --> 01:17:24.463
On day one, I didn't
know which way to go.

1050
01:17:24.498 --> 01:17:28.269
I just started walking

1051
01:17:28.304 --> 01:17:30.172
and just got a good
feel for the land.

1052
01:17:30.207 --> 01:17:32.878
I was hoping I would
run into some animals

1053
01:17:32.913 --> 01:17:34.649
or a burning bush or something.

1054
01:17:36.719 --> 01:17:37.959
I though about my sister a lot.

1055
01:17:40.855 --> 01:17:45.726
Decided to look at the stars

1056
01:17:45.761 --> 01:17:46.991
and be thankful that

1057
01:17:47.026 --> 01:17:48.927
it was so many
of them out there.

1058
01:17:52.493 --> 01:17:55.494
It would be pretty cool
to take a trip up there.

1059
01:17:55.529 --> 01:17:59.234
I decided to take day
two as decision road.

1060
01:17:59.269 --> 01:18:03.469
I ended up walking all
the way to the highway.

1061
01:18:03.504 --> 01:18:07.473
I thought of just getting
on the highway like Rambo,

1062
01:18:07.508 --> 01:18:12.247
First Blood, but then I was
thinking if somebody picks me up

1063
01:18:12.282 --> 01:18:14.117
and takes me down
a road into the city

1064
01:18:15.890 --> 01:18:20.860
and starts getting crazy,

1065
01:18:20.895 --> 01:18:25.194
I don't wanna make the news.

1066
01:18:25.229 --> 01:18:26.657
I was walking along the Lake.

1067
01:18:26.692 --> 01:18:29.099
I was actually thinking
about jumping in there

1068
01:18:29.134 --> 01:18:31.365
because I knew if I jumped
in that canal next to it,

1069
01:18:32.775 --> 01:18:34.455
that current would
probably take me away.

1070
01:18:36.141 --> 01:18:39.780
So now I start thinking
about my veteran experience.

1071
01:18:39.815 --> 01:18:44.411
I was in 101st airborne
division, the screaming Eagles.

1072
01:18:44.446 --> 01:18:46.853
I got all the way up
to this other mountain

1073
01:18:46.888 --> 01:18:50.450
and there were two
eagles just screaming.

1074
01:18:50.485 --> 01:18:52.958
It kind of gave me some
insurance being clear sighted.

1075
01:18:54.962 --> 01:18:59.866
By that time I made peace with
the land, with the ancestors.

1076
01:18:59.901 --> 01:19:04.365
I've walked the three days
straight and know that day four,

1077
01:19:04.400 --> 01:19:08.006
I just laid there and rested.

1078
01:19:09.845 --> 01:19:12.109
And the only thing that stood
in my mind was Psalms 23.

1079
01:19:14.817 --> 01:19:16.223
- "Though I walk
through the valley

1080
01:19:16.247 --> 01:19:18.313
"of the shadow of death,
I fear no evil

1081
01:19:18.348 --> 01:19:20.084
"for thou art with me.

1082
01:19:20.119 --> 01:19:22.482
"Thy rode and thy stuff
shall comfort me."

1083
01:19:29.689 --> 01:19:31.260
- Thank you for your story.

1084
01:19:31.295 --> 01:19:32.910
Thank you for this
story of transformation

1085
01:19:32.934 --> 01:19:36.595
that we all need to know that
transformation is possible.

1086
01:19:39.039 --> 01:19:40.841
And there you are.

1087
01:19:43.175 --> 01:19:44.636
Thank you.

1088
01:19:52.888 --> 01:19:54.118
- Smiles don't hurt either.

1089
01:20:33.489 --> 01:20:35.225
- The meaning of
my name is King.

1090
01:20:35.260 --> 01:20:37.788
Malik, one, that rules.

1091
01:20:37.823 --> 01:20:39.691
So I'm gonna rule my area,

1092
01:20:39.726 --> 01:20:43.497
I'm gonna rule my land up there.

1093
01:20:44.940 --> 01:20:46.335
It became mine.

1094
01:20:46.370 --> 01:20:48.040
Spirit told me,
"Do what you normally do.

1095
01:20:53.014 --> 01:20:54.673
"Aren't you always on guard?"

1096
01:20:54.708 --> 01:20:55.850
"Yes."

1097
01:20:58.514 --> 01:21:00.019
"Protect your land."

1098
01:21:00.054 --> 01:21:01.812
"Aren't you the King?"

1099
01:21:01.847 --> 01:21:03.286
"Yes."

1100
01:21:04.850 --> 01:21:09.226
"Just keep a close watchful
eye on everything around you

1101
01:21:09.261 --> 01:21:11.690
"and you'll survive
these four days."

1102
01:21:13.529 --> 01:21:17.267
Every evening,
I'll come look over base camp

1103
01:21:17.302 --> 01:21:19.863
in my underwear

1104
01:21:19.898 --> 01:21:24.703
as long as my brothers
and sisters was okay,

1105
01:21:24.738 --> 01:21:26.309
I was at peace

1106
01:21:29.215 --> 01:21:31.512
with this, my heart.

1107
01:21:31.547 --> 01:21:33.580
Every night I went
up to that throne,

1108
01:21:36.057 --> 01:21:39.784
sat down and watched
that sunrise again.

1109
01:21:39.819 --> 01:21:42.886
It's the most beautiful thing

1110
01:21:42.921 --> 01:21:44.228
I've ever seen.

1111
01:21:47.728 --> 01:21:50.564
I never really formed
a good sleeping pattern

1112
01:21:50.599 --> 01:21:55.074
because if you fall
asleep on watch,

1113
01:21:55.109 --> 01:21:57.604
you can get court marshalled.

1114
01:21:57.639 --> 01:22:02.642
I really admire the
beauty of mother nature,

1115
01:22:02.677 --> 01:22:07.020
the way she carved out canyons,
the hills, the valleys.

1116
01:22:09.816 --> 01:22:13.686
One of the things I needed
to clear up was my anger.

1117
01:22:14.854 --> 01:22:18.966
I did some venting out loud.

1118
01:22:20.827 --> 01:22:23.300
I said, "Well, this is
definitely gonna humble me."

1119
01:22:25.007 --> 01:22:27.502
I'd rather die up there
than die out in the world.

1120
01:22:30.144 --> 01:22:32.870
I found so much
peace on this land.

1121
01:22:36.810 --> 01:22:40.845
- The child in you
who had to step up,

1122
01:22:40.880 --> 01:22:43.254
who's been carrying his
armor and his shield

1123
01:22:43.289 --> 01:22:45.487
for longer than he can remember

1124
01:22:45.522 --> 01:22:48.061
to protect himself
and his people.

1125
01:22:50.989 --> 01:22:54.628
A man who has had to be
on guard and be on point

1126
01:22:54.663 --> 01:22:59.369
watching over himself
and his people in theater

1127
01:22:59.404 --> 01:23:02.009
immersed in the world of war,

1128
01:23:02.044 --> 01:23:05.540
so many years

1129
01:23:05.575 --> 01:23:09.544
to face those demons,
to face those dark shadows

1130
01:23:09.579 --> 01:23:12.118
in those coyotes
who came at night.

1131
01:23:12.153 --> 01:23:16.683
A man who fashioned
a shamonic tool

1132
01:23:16.718 --> 01:23:18.949
to drive those beings
back to where they come from.

1133
01:23:18.984 --> 01:23:22.194
No more, no more.

1134
01:23:23.857 --> 01:23:28.596
Put your armor down,
drop your shield.

1135
01:23:31.601 --> 01:23:34.008
You are protected,
you are covered.

1136
01:23:35.704 --> 01:23:36.868
You are home.

1137
01:23:40.577 --> 01:23:42.280
- Not a lot of
people impress me.

1138
01:23:43.679 --> 01:23:46.977
This all, you're
gonna impress me.

1139
01:23:47.012 --> 01:23:51.751
I mean, man, the spirit, deep.

1140
01:23:57.957 --> 01:23:58.957
It's deep, man.

1141
01:24:01.433 --> 01:24:02.433
I'm glad to be here.

1142
01:24:12.741 --> 01:24:14.048
- There's two types of kings.

1143
01:24:16.712 --> 01:24:20.219
The ones that rule from
anger and power and greed

1144
01:24:20.254 --> 01:24:23.288
and then there's the kings
who rule with love.

1145
01:24:23.323 --> 01:24:28.359
There's the Kings
who serve the people.

1146
01:24:28.394 --> 01:24:31.395
When I see you telling your
story and I heard your story.

1147
01:24:31.430 --> 01:24:34.860
I was like, "He is the
right kind of king,

1148
01:24:34.895 --> 01:24:37.302
"he is the good kind of king."

1149
01:24:38.635 --> 01:24:41.207
I want a king with
the face like that.

1150
01:24:41.242 --> 01:24:43.671
I want to King with love and
kindness in his eyes like that.

1151
01:24:56.752 --> 01:24:59.621
- The morning that
we got up to go,

1152
01:24:59.656 --> 01:25:03.658
I was exhausted emotionally

1153
01:25:03.693 --> 01:25:07.761
and I had visions of demons

1154
01:25:07.796 --> 01:25:10.797
that I was gonna be
fighting the whole time.

1155
01:25:10.832 --> 01:25:14.471
And I got out to the
spot that I had chosen.

1156
01:25:26.012 --> 01:25:27.649
I was scared.

1157
01:25:27.684 --> 01:25:31.521
Last year that I've
gone through coming off

1158
01:25:31.556 --> 01:25:34.821
of a lot of medications.

1159
01:25:34.856 --> 01:25:36.955
There were things that
happened during that time

1160
01:25:38.365 --> 01:25:42.433
that truly scared me and
I was in safe spaces.

1161
01:25:42.468 --> 01:25:47.207
So here I am heading
out to the unknown

1162
01:25:48.573 --> 01:25:51.838
and I thought what if
these things come back

1163
01:25:51.873 --> 01:25:52.972
while I'm out there.

1164
01:25:56.042 --> 01:25:58.383
What was weird for me as I
wasn't scared of the coyote

1165
01:25:59.848 --> 01:26:02.046
or the mountain lion
or the grizzly bear,

1166
01:26:02.081 --> 01:26:03.949
that random murderer
that's gonna come.

1167
01:26:03.984 --> 01:26:06.193
For me, it was
the little things.

1168
01:26:07.559 --> 01:26:08.701
It was the ticks,
it was the spiders.

1169
01:26:08.725 --> 01:26:13.728
It was the ground
teaming with ants.

1170
01:26:13.763 --> 01:26:16.335
And then about midnight
of that night, I woke up

1171
01:26:17.701 --> 01:26:22.506
out of where and felt my face.

1172
01:26:24.004 --> 01:26:28.677
And something had bit me
and my lip was probably

1173
01:26:30.615 --> 01:26:34.452
the size of a golf ball,
just huge numb with pain.

1174
01:26:36.291 --> 01:26:38.357
And I was thirsty.
I'll get out, I couldn't drink.

1175
01:26:40.922 --> 01:26:43.082
I was just water spilling
out electrolytes everywhere.

1176
01:26:47.929 --> 01:26:50.930
That was exactly what I needed.

1177
01:26:50.965 --> 01:26:55.407
It was a confidence boost
because I wasn't dead.

1178
01:26:55.442 --> 01:26:58.135
The little guys, they're little.

1179
01:27:00.975 --> 01:27:03.283
The nights for me
were the hardest.

1180
01:27:03.318 --> 01:27:07.947
That's when I can conjure
up all sorts of demons.

1181
01:27:09.621 --> 01:27:11.401
On day three, I got to
the canal and contemplated

1182
01:27:11.425 --> 01:27:13.953
jumping in the canal.

1183
01:27:13.988 --> 01:27:18.265
I thought I could do this
and I think I'm smarter

1184
01:27:18.300 --> 01:27:22.533
than everybody else, so
I'm not gonna take a gun

1185
01:27:22.568 --> 01:27:24.403
and shoot myself.

1186
01:27:24.438 --> 01:27:29.100
What I'll do is kill myself
another way, slow away.

1187
01:27:29.135 --> 01:27:32.741
And I started realizing
that I'd been walking

1188
01:27:32.776 --> 01:27:34.479
since about seven in the morning

1189
01:27:34.514 --> 01:27:37.075
and it's now three
o'clock in the afternoon.

1190
01:27:37.110 --> 01:27:41.211
I'm out of water, I'm sweating.

1191
01:27:41.246 --> 01:27:43.686
Now I'm not sweating, headache

1192
01:27:45.756 --> 01:27:48.625
and go about five
steps and stop.

1193
01:27:51.333 --> 01:27:54.257
And a little voice in
the back of my head said,

1194
01:27:54.292 --> 01:27:55.929
"You gotta stop this, man.

1195
01:28:02.806 --> 01:28:06.346
"You got too much
life left to live

1196
01:28:10.880 --> 01:28:13.386
"and too much gifts to give.

1197
01:28:15.951 --> 01:28:17.918
"And there's a whole
bunch of people out there

1198
01:28:17.953 --> 01:28:20.459
"that would like to
see to stick around."

1199
01:28:23.695 --> 01:28:25.123
- It's done.

1200
01:28:27.963 --> 01:28:29.061
Thank you for your story.

1201
01:28:39.711 --> 01:28:42.008
- I had work to do.

1202
01:28:42.043 --> 01:28:44.142
I had Larry's voice

1203
01:28:49.083 --> 01:28:51.490
saying something along the lines

1204
01:28:51.525 --> 01:28:56.462
of clean up as much as you can
and get right at it

1205
01:28:56.497 --> 01:28:58.002
as much as you can with,
as many as you can.

1206
01:28:58.026 --> 01:29:00.224
'Cause I did have some
resistant part of me

1207
01:29:00.259 --> 01:29:02.501
that was really freaking
scared to be up there.

1208
01:29:02.536 --> 01:29:07.198
So it was this, this vulture,
beautiful wings spread

1209
01:29:07.233 --> 01:29:11.906
just flies or it's
like, it's done.

1210
01:29:15.109 --> 01:29:16.614
I know it's done.

1211
01:29:23.953 --> 01:29:25.854
One time I saw a caterpillar

1212
01:29:25.889 --> 01:29:29.220
and that was right before
I was to die.

1213
01:29:30.762 --> 01:29:34.830
And I think that it was doing
an impartial night visual

1214
01:29:34.865 --> 01:29:38.097
rattling, I always
had my rattle going,

1215
01:29:39.870 --> 01:29:41.606
singing rattling.

1216
01:29:41.641 --> 01:29:44.741
The entire time I was like my
inner child, my crying child.

1217
01:29:44.776 --> 01:29:48.679
No that adult, that parent
that holds hands with the soul

1218
01:29:48.714 --> 01:29:50.549
would always be
holding that child

1219
01:29:52.718 --> 01:29:55.246
that was rattling,
rattling, rattling.

1220
01:29:55.281 --> 01:29:59.954
And I kept hearing chorus,
flute, women singers

1221
01:30:02.728 --> 01:30:04.761
that lasted pretty
much all night

1222
01:30:04.796 --> 01:30:08.094
and it felt like celebration.

1223
01:30:11.132 --> 01:30:13.803
It felt like celebration
and nurturing mothers

1224
01:30:13.838 --> 01:30:18.401
just saying

1225
01:30:18.436 --> 01:30:19.908
you did good work.

1226
01:30:25.949 --> 01:30:29.885
- Turkey vultures
can smell death

1227
01:30:29.920 --> 01:30:34.791
a long long way out.

1228
01:30:34.826 --> 01:30:39.059
The vulture saying

1229
01:30:39.094 --> 01:30:40.929
death is coming,

1230
01:30:40.964 --> 01:30:44.636
it's not clear when it's coming
or what that really means.

1231
01:30:46.365 --> 01:30:51.038
The end of that abuse
is here and peace follows,

1232
01:30:54.516 --> 01:30:56.648
but only through
building good walls,

1233
01:30:57.816 --> 01:31:00.146
of being careful
with that child,

1234
01:31:01.314 --> 01:31:04.986
taking care of the child within.

1235
01:31:46.568 --> 01:31:48.194
- I am.
- I am.

1236
01:31:48.229 --> 01:31:50.570
- I am.
- I am.

1237
01:31:50.605 --> 01:31:52.066
- I am.

1238
01:31:52.101 --> 01:31:55.069
- A powerful adult.
- A powerful warrior.

1239
01:31:55.104 --> 01:31:56.972
- Good and loyal.

1240
01:31:57.007 --> 01:31:59.744
- A worthy adult man.

1241
01:31:59.779 --> 01:32:02.747
- A sober unflinching
storyteller.

1242
01:32:02.782 --> 01:32:05.013
- With meaningful relationships.

1243
01:32:05.048 --> 01:32:07.345
- Who loves and cares
for his family.

1244
01:32:07.380 --> 01:32:09.314
- And protects
the ones he loves.

1245
01:32:09.349 --> 01:32:10.887
- With a massive heart.

1246
01:32:10.922 --> 01:32:13.186
- My home and my tribe
and my heart.

1247
01:32:13.221 --> 01:32:14.891
- Deeply connected with nature.

1248
01:32:14.926 --> 01:32:17.487
- Powerfully growing
and being nourished

1249
01:32:17.522 --> 01:32:21.392
by the shit that gives me life.

1250
01:32:21.427 --> 01:32:24.428
- A kickass, powerful,
strong vivacious,

1251
01:32:24.463 --> 01:32:28.069
vulnerable adult woman
who is worthy of all things.

1252
01:32:28.104 --> 01:32:29.576
- Fuck yeah.

1253
01:32:31.613 --> 01:32:34.581
- A spiritual
inspiring elder man

1254
01:32:34.616 --> 01:32:39.014
and I have fulfilling
relationships.

1255
01:32:39.049 --> 01:32:43.018
- I am a strong,
vulnerable whole man.

1256
01:32:46.155 --> 01:32:47.627
- Oh, by God.

1257
01:32:48.993 --> 01:32:50.223
Holy moly.

1258
01:32:52.458 --> 01:32:53.567
God approved it.

1259
01:33:01.302 --> 01:33:03.742
- I picked up humbleness,

1260
01:33:03.777 --> 01:33:06.811
I picked up wisdom.

1261
01:33:06.846 --> 01:33:11.684
I gathered how to be vulnerable

1262
01:33:14.579 --> 01:33:17.019
and also most important,
how to listen.

1263
01:33:19.518 --> 01:33:24.092
My fear is if I don't
use those tools,

1264
01:33:24.127 --> 01:33:28.866
then I refer back to the
old me of being angry.

1265
01:33:34.170 --> 01:33:36.269
That's my biggest fear.

1266
01:33:36.304 --> 01:33:40.306
- My greatest intention
of going home

1267
01:33:40.341 --> 01:33:42.308
is to bring back

1268
01:33:42.343 --> 01:33:46.983
the skills and the training
and the gifts

1269
01:33:47.018 --> 01:33:49.755
that I was able to
acquire here on this land

1270
01:33:49.790 --> 01:33:53.792
and bring them back to bastion,

1271
01:33:53.827 --> 01:33:58.027
bring them back to
Gentilly community

1272
01:33:58.062 --> 01:33:59.864
and bring them back

1273
01:33:59.899 --> 01:34:02.933
to the veteran
community in general,

1274
01:34:02.968 --> 01:34:05.133
even in non veteran community.

1275
01:34:05.168 --> 01:34:08.268
- I've already started slipping
a little bit in my mind

1276
01:34:08.303 --> 01:34:09.940
of what's gonna
happen when I go home

1277
01:34:09.975 --> 01:34:12.437
and that's my biggest fear.

1278
01:34:12.472 --> 01:34:14.637
I really wanna honor
what I've done here

1279
01:34:14.672 --> 01:34:17.277
and have it make a change.

1280
01:34:17.312 --> 01:34:22.282
I don't want it to slip
back into isolation.

1281
01:34:22.317 --> 01:34:24.691
- So now it's time
to create new habits,

1282
01:34:24.726 --> 01:34:28.860
continuing the ritual
and ceremony in my daily life.

1283
01:34:28.895 --> 01:34:30.521
Now it's time to bring it back.

1284
01:34:30.556 --> 01:34:33.062
Otherwise it just
flattens out into a story

1285
01:34:33.097 --> 01:34:35.592
that becomes a dream.

1286
01:34:39.004 --> 01:34:41.565
There is a lot of healing that
needs to happen in this world

1287
01:34:41.600 --> 01:34:45.008
and I truly believe I've
been kept alive for a reason.

1288
01:34:46.946 --> 01:34:50.607
And I wanna serve my purpose,
I want to serve again.

1289
01:35:09.397 --> 01:35:13.102
- Every single one of us
sitting in the circle

1290
01:35:13.137 --> 01:35:15.742
have been initiated
into the armed forces

1291
01:35:15.777 --> 01:35:19.108
and have gone through that
process of grinding away

1292
01:35:19.143 --> 01:35:20.846
the civilian pieces

1293
01:35:20.881 --> 01:35:23.244
and the insertion of that
identity as a warrior,

1294
01:35:23.279 --> 01:35:24.784
whether that's
a peaceful warrior

1295
01:35:24.819 --> 01:35:26.786
now on the planet,
a healing warrior,

1296
01:35:26.821 --> 01:35:29.448
a woman warrior, a man warrior,

1297
01:35:29.483 --> 01:35:31.087
an LGBTQ warrior.

1298
01:35:31.122 --> 01:35:34.717
We are all fucking necessary.

1299
01:35:34.752 --> 01:35:37.962
- I just in deep
gratitude for the courage

1300
01:35:37.997 --> 01:35:40.800
that each one of
you have to show up.

1301
01:35:40.835 --> 01:35:43.803
People who've been out
there on the edge of death

1302
01:35:43.838 --> 01:35:45.805
over and over and over again

1303
01:35:45.840 --> 01:35:49.732
sit here in front of
the rest of us and cry.

1304
01:35:49.767 --> 01:35:51.140
Fuck, you know.

1305
01:35:58.512 --> 01:36:00.952
Deep gratitude, deep gratitude.

1306
01:36:04.320 --> 01:36:06.551
- We will always be
a part of that tribe

1307
01:36:06.586 --> 01:36:09.125
and that tribe will
always be a part of us.

1308
01:36:09.160 --> 01:36:13.261
We'd been initiated into our
respective branches of service.

1309
01:36:14.693 --> 01:36:18.266
We have not been initiated
back into community

1310
01:36:18.301 --> 01:36:21.599
and the world doesn't know it

1311
01:36:21.634 --> 01:36:23.502
and they don't respect it

1312
01:36:23.537 --> 01:36:25.669
and they don't honor it
after we transitioned

1313
01:36:25.704 --> 01:36:27.473
in the ways that it
truly needs to be,

1314
01:36:27.508 --> 01:36:31.180
but they fucking need us,

1315
01:36:33.646 --> 01:36:35.019
every single one of us.

1316
01:36:39.058 --> 01:36:41.421
Thank you for claiming
and owning who you are

1317
01:36:41.456 --> 01:36:43.621
and thank you for walking
back into the world

1318
01:36:43.656 --> 01:36:45.623
with this fucking light
that you're carrying

1319
01:36:45.658 --> 01:36:47.295
and these gifts that
you have to share

1320
01:36:47.330 --> 01:36:49.429
'cause the world needs you.

1321
01:40:28.848 --> 01:40:30.980
- Right of passage.

1322
01:40:31.015 --> 01:40:33.158
Self centered people,

1323
01:40:33.193 --> 01:40:37.591
I hope you learn

1324
01:40:37.626 --> 01:40:41.100
a fucking lesson.

1325
01:40:41.135 --> 01:40:45.038
This is real warrior shit.