WEBVTT FILE 1 00:00:02.000 --> 00:00:07.000 Downloaded from YTS.MX 2 00:00:07.133 --> 00:00:08.676 [sighs] 3 00:00:08.000 --> 00:00:13.000 Official YIFY movies site: YTS.MX 4 00:00:08.718 --> 00:00:11.053 [organ music plays] 5 00:00:11.095 --> 00:00:12.721 Oh, no. 6 00:00:17.518 --> 00:00:19.018 Oh, this is not it. 7 00:00:19.060 --> 00:00:20.228 [sighs] 8 00:00:20.271 --> 00:00:22.815 All right, time for plan B. 9 00:00:22.856 --> 00:00:25.275 [phone notification] 10 00:00:25.317 --> 00:00:29.362 All right, boys. Let's get this place set up. 11 00:00:29.405 --> 00:00:32.700 [Latin hip-hop plays] 12 00:01:50.610 --> 00:01:52.278 [cheering] 13 00:01:56.616 --> 00:01:59.078 Sheila Mother-fing E. 14 00:02:00.787 --> 00:02:02.456 Thank you, ladies. 15 00:02:04.500 --> 00:02:07.168 Okay, everybody, settle down. Settle down. 16 00:02:07.210 --> 00:02:11.966 Welcome. We're gathered here today to lay 2021 to rest. 17 00:02:12.007 --> 00:02:13.175 Yes! 18 00:02:13.217 --> 00:02:14.759 And I'll be honest, guys, 19 00:02:14.801 --> 00:02:16.387 I started out this year feeling very hopeful. 20 00:02:16.427 --> 00:02:18.848 I had a whole vision board party. 21 00:02:18.889 --> 00:02:21.933 I had on there that Drake would finally answer my DMs. 22 00:02:21.975 --> 00:02:23.185 Yes! 23 00:02:23.227 --> 00:02:26.771 2021, you literally had one job: 24 00:02:26.813 --> 00:02:28.274 don't be 2020. 25 00:02:28.314 --> 00:02:29.650 Yes! 26 00:02:29.692 --> 00:02:32.902 But in the end, 2021 was less of a new year 27 00:02:32.944 --> 00:02:35.865 and more of a 2020 variant. 28 00:02:35.906 --> 00:02:37.490 But we're not here to mourn. 29 00:02:37.533 --> 00:02:41.579 Because I am declaring that this right here, this, 30 00:02:41.620 --> 00:02:43.038 is a celebration. 31 00:02:43.079 --> 00:02:44.873 - Woo! - [cheering] 32 00:02:44.914 --> 00:02:46.250 Woo! 33 00:02:46.292 --> 00:02:48.085 Megan, hey, so, we talked about this. 34 00:02:48.127 --> 00:02:49.377 - Can you... [clicks tongue] - Oh. 35 00:02:49.420 --> 00:02:50.753 - Mm-hmm. - Okay. 36 00:02:50.795 --> 00:02:53.299 I was, oh! Sat on my purse. 37 00:02:53.340 --> 00:02:54.800 [laughing] 38 00:02:54.841 --> 00:02:55.800 Scoot over, dude. 39 00:02:55.843 --> 00:02:58.012 Where was I? 40 00:02:58.052 --> 00:03:02.056 Yes, outside, things were starting to slowly open up. 41 00:03:02.098 --> 00:03:04.268 And then bam, we got hit with the Delta variant. 42 00:03:04.310 --> 00:03:06.562 And I was like, oh my God, what's next? 43 00:03:06.604 --> 00:03:08.104 The AKA variant? 44 00:03:08.146 --> 00:03:09.647 I've seen "Stomp the Yard," okay? 45 00:03:09.689 --> 00:03:12.901 [cheering] 46 00:03:15.278 --> 00:03:16.655 White people, I am referring to a movie about 47 00:03:16.697 --> 00:03:18.073 a historically Black college. 48 00:03:18.115 --> 00:03:21.242 Also, two historically Black sororities. 49 00:03:21.284 --> 00:03:23.370 We see you, Kamala Harris. 50 00:03:23.412 --> 00:03:25.163 [cheering] 51 00:03:25.204 --> 00:03:27.290 2021, you were quite a year. 52 00:03:27.332 --> 00:03:30.627 You know, one day, we were doing crossword puzzles, 53 00:03:30.669 --> 00:03:33.546 listening to meditation apps and teaching ourselves 54 00:03:33.588 --> 00:03:35.299 how to convert a closet into an office by 55 00:03:35.341 --> 00:03:37.550 following along on a TikTok video. 56 00:03:37.593 --> 00:03:39.010 That was very informational. 57 00:03:39.052 --> 00:03:41.680 Then suddenly, y'all, game changer. 58 00:03:41.722 --> 00:03:44.515 The vaccine was available and we all got vaccinated 59 00:03:44.557 --> 00:03:46.143 and the pandemic ended! 60 00:03:46.185 --> 00:03:49.187 [laughing] 61 00:03:49.228 --> 00:03:52.066 It's so funny because it's not true! 62 00:03:52.106 --> 00:03:54.985 But this year, we never quite actually knew where we stood 63 00:03:55.026 --> 00:03:56.361 with the pandemic. 64 00:03:56.402 --> 00:03:58.155 2021 played with my emotions so much, 65 00:03:58.197 --> 00:04:00.282 I thought we were dating. 66 00:04:00.324 --> 00:04:02.533 'Cause at first we was cool, like, oh my gosh, 67 00:04:02.575 --> 00:04:04.828 you do like me, stop. 68 00:04:04.870 --> 00:04:08.414 And then it was like, wait, you don't want to put a label on it. 69 00:04:08.456 --> 00:04:09.582 What do you mean we're just friends? 70 00:04:10.918 --> 00:04:13.169 Like, am I ever going to get a ring? 71 00:04:13.211 --> 00:04:16.548 I'm asking so many questions. 72 00:04:16.589 --> 00:04:18.175 Is this why I'm still single? 73 00:04:19.677 --> 00:04:21.470 Because one thing I am ready to leave behind 74 00:04:21.512 --> 00:04:24.598 in 2021 is being single, 75 00:04:24.639 --> 00:04:25.723 because look at me! 76 00:04:25.766 --> 00:04:28.310 [cheering] 77 00:04:32.898 --> 00:04:34.649 What a girl got to do to get a date? 78 00:04:34.692 --> 00:04:36.360 Okay? 79 00:04:36.401 --> 00:04:39.529 Hey, Drake if you're listening, I am great with kids. 80 00:04:39.571 --> 00:04:42.074 Somebody toss me a baby, come on, quick. 81 00:04:46.786 --> 00:04:49.581 But at the end of the day, okay, at the end of the day, 82 00:04:49.622 --> 00:04:51.290 2021 was not a total bust. 83 00:04:51.332 --> 00:04:55.086 So tonight, I have gathered some of the funniest women 84 00:04:55.129 --> 00:04:59.132 to help me celebrate 2021 for all that it gave, 85 00:04:59.173 --> 00:05:01.343 for all that it tried to give, 86 00:05:01.384 --> 00:05:02.720 and for all that it would have given 87 00:05:02.761 --> 00:05:04.221 if everybody just got vaccinated. 88 00:05:04.262 --> 00:05:06.473 By saying our goodbyes to it. 89 00:05:06.514 --> 00:05:10.685 So to start things off for us, here is the one, the only, 90 00:05:10.728 --> 00:05:12.396 Chelsea Peretti. 91 00:05:12.437 --> 00:05:14.480 [cheering] 92 00:05:21.822 --> 00:05:22.906 Thank you, Yvonne. 93 00:05:24.490 --> 00:05:27.119 Dearly beloved gathered mourners of so many 94 00:05:27.161 --> 00:05:29.329 different important topics, 95 00:05:29.370 --> 00:05:32.707 tonight I'm here to say goodbye to a very special 96 00:05:32.750 --> 00:05:35.877 proprietary video conferencing software program 97 00:05:35.918 --> 00:05:39.255 whose name incidentally rhymes with tomb. 98 00:05:39.298 --> 00:05:40.298 Womb? 99 00:05:40.340 --> 00:05:42.800 That's right, gang. Zoom. 100 00:05:42.843 --> 00:05:44.261 Oh, yeah. 101 00:05:44.302 --> 00:05:45.887 The best part about Zoom was 102 00:05:45.928 --> 00:05:49.932 it gave us the opportunity to work no matter what. 103 00:05:49.975 --> 00:05:52.060 It allowed us to work when we were sick. 104 00:05:52.101 --> 00:05:53.728 - Mm-hmm. - Right. 105 00:05:53.771 --> 00:05:55.980 Distraught. When our children were in grave danger, 106 00:05:56.023 --> 00:05:58.649 we could still work. 107 00:05:58.692 --> 00:05:59.901 Thanks for that, Zoom. 108 00:06:03.613 --> 00:06:06.283 [sobs] 109 00:06:06.324 --> 00:06:07.617 Thank you. 110 00:06:10.495 --> 00:06:13.831 Zoom, because of you no longer were our homes 111 00:06:13.874 --> 00:06:16.459 a little safe zone we could return to 112 00:06:16.502 --> 00:06:17.877 after a long day at the office. 113 00:06:17.920 --> 00:06:20.463 It was just all one big office. 114 00:06:20.505 --> 00:06:24.134 Zoom, you gifted us tropical beach backgrounds 115 00:06:24.175 --> 00:06:27.221 that covered up our putrid piles of laundry. 116 00:06:27.262 --> 00:06:28.680 Mm-hmm. 117 00:06:28.721 --> 00:06:31.600 Graciously masking our unsustainable lifestyles 118 00:06:31.641 --> 00:06:34.853 so we could continue to be efficient cogs 119 00:06:34.894 --> 00:06:37.396 in the wheels of capitalism. 120 00:06:37.439 --> 00:06:39.358 All this with just the click of a button. 121 00:06:39.399 --> 00:06:41.485 I was clicking my button last night. 122 00:06:41.526 --> 00:06:43.319 - [gasping] - You will not do this today. 123 00:06:43.362 --> 00:06:45.322 - Not today. - I'm not doing anything. 124 00:06:45.363 --> 00:06:47.324 To me you're just a little dark cloud... 125 00:06:47.365 --> 00:06:48.908 Please don't make ice noise while I'm talking. 126 00:06:48.951 --> 00:06:50.409 I'm sorry little brat, I think 127 00:06:50.451 --> 00:06:53.163 Zoom's going to be around for a long time. 128 00:06:53.204 --> 00:06:55.456 Don't you say that! 129 00:06:55.499 --> 00:06:57.042 Oh, Zoom! 130 00:06:57.084 --> 00:06:59.961 Without you how will I make eye contact 131 00:07:00.002 --> 00:07:01.879 with a bunch of people that I can instantly tell 132 00:07:01.922 --> 00:07:03.382 aren't going to do business with me 133 00:07:03.423 --> 00:07:05.550 and make it last for an hour? 134 00:07:05.591 --> 00:07:09.012 Without you, how can I avoid in-person socializing? 135 00:07:09.053 --> 00:07:10.471 Um, I'm sorry, I thought you liked 136 00:07:10.514 --> 00:07:12.348 our backyard masked hangouts. 137 00:07:12.391 --> 00:07:14.893 Oh, Stephanie, you innocent lamb. 138 00:07:14.935 --> 00:07:16.728 Baa. 139 00:07:16.769 --> 00:07:18.187 That's because you don't drink coffee compulsively. 140 00:07:18.230 --> 00:07:20.106 My breath is not mask friendly. 141 00:07:21.567 --> 00:07:23.317 I brought a quote. 142 00:07:23.360 --> 00:07:27.113 "It's so hard to say goodbye." 143 00:07:27.156 --> 00:07:28.906 Boyz II Men. 144 00:07:28.949 --> 00:07:30.324 And they were right. 145 00:07:30.367 --> 00:07:33.370 Goodbye to fixating on my own dumb face 146 00:07:33.411 --> 00:07:36.747 while pretending to listen to 10 people drone on endlessly. 147 00:07:36.790 --> 00:07:39.334 That's what I'm talking about. 148 00:07:39.375 --> 00:07:42.004 And now, in Zoom's honor, 149 00:07:42.045 --> 00:07:44.548 let's do a moment of frozen silence. 150 00:07:44.590 --> 00:07:45.548 I'm going to count you in. 151 00:07:45.591 --> 00:07:49.136 One, two... 152 00:07:53.764 --> 00:07:55.391 That was special. 153 00:07:55.433 --> 00:07:57.560 It be like that, it be like that. 154 00:07:57.603 --> 00:08:00.230 And now the awkward Zoom goodbyes. 155 00:08:00.271 --> 00:08:02.024 Bye everyone. Bye, great meeting. 156 00:08:02.064 --> 00:08:04.401 I loved what you said. Okay, bye. 157 00:08:04.442 --> 00:08:05.985 Leave meeting, leave meeting. 158 00:08:06.028 --> 00:08:09.740 Where's the red button? Where's the red button? 159 00:08:09.781 --> 00:08:11.158 [Latin music plays] 160 00:08:11.199 --> 00:08:12.617 [cheering] 161 00:08:20.667 --> 00:08:23.002 Now her name may mean something sweet, 162 00:08:23.045 --> 00:08:25.297 but she hella spicy. 163 00:08:25.338 --> 00:08:26.839 Dulce Sloan, everybody. 164 00:08:26.882 --> 00:08:28.716 [cheering] 165 00:08:28.759 --> 00:08:29.759 Hello. 166 00:08:40.019 --> 00:08:42.230 Hello. Mmm. 167 00:08:42.272 --> 00:08:44.691 [cheering] 168 00:08:44.732 --> 00:08:47.152 Friends, I do, I did, I will. 169 00:08:47.193 --> 00:08:49.821 Yeah! 170 00:08:49.863 --> 00:08:51.530 Greetings, mourners. 171 00:08:51.572 --> 00:08:54.743 This was the year we, as a society, 172 00:08:54.784 --> 00:08:57.788 collectively said goodbye to being an asshole! 173 00:08:57.828 --> 00:09:00.331 [cheering] 174 00:09:00.374 --> 00:09:02.542 Now, there's so many ways to be an asshole. 175 00:09:02.583 --> 00:09:05.796 Being a milky white Karen, screaming on the floor 176 00:09:05.836 --> 00:09:08.840 of a Victoria's Secret like your mother didn't raise you. 177 00:09:08.881 --> 00:09:12.009 To being a happy go lucky talk show host 178 00:09:12.052 --> 00:09:15.054 who danced to a very different tune 179 00:09:15.096 --> 00:09:17.057 behind closed doors, and yet, still off beat. 180 00:09:17.099 --> 00:09:18.850 Oh! 181 00:09:18.892 --> 00:09:21.852 And executive producing Jeopardy just to name himself the host. 182 00:09:21.894 --> 00:09:24.105 Quick clue, it was not Levar Burton. 183 00:09:24.147 --> 00:09:25.731 We love him. 184 00:09:25.774 --> 00:09:28.735 For the longest time, these assholes were allowed 185 00:09:28.777 --> 00:09:30.570 to hide in plain sight. 186 00:09:30.611 --> 00:09:31.654 They harassed. 187 00:09:31.697 --> 00:09:33.615 - [crowd] Mmm! - Berated! 188 00:09:33.657 --> 00:09:37.076 And acted as conservators of their daughter's estates. 189 00:09:37.119 --> 00:09:38.077 Free Britney! 190 00:09:38.120 --> 00:09:39.453 [cheering] 191 00:09:39.495 --> 00:09:41.414 Uh-uh, girl, the podcast already freed her. 192 00:09:41.456 --> 00:09:42.874 My tweet freed her! 193 00:09:42.915 --> 00:09:44.668 Our tweeting freed her! 194 00:09:44.710 --> 00:09:47.379 - Yeah! - Yeah! 195 00:09:47.421 --> 00:09:49.423 But after this year the receipts came out 196 00:09:49.463 --> 00:09:51.048 like cancellation confetti. 197 00:09:51.091 --> 00:09:53.259 A reckoning happened, 198 00:09:53.302 --> 00:09:56.138 and being an asshole has gone to that great 199 00:09:56.178 --> 00:09:58.014 NDA in the sky. 200 00:09:58.056 --> 00:10:00.017 Yep, yep. 201 00:10:00.057 --> 00:10:02.852 But for some reason, our tolerance for them disappeared. 202 00:10:02.894 --> 00:10:06.690 And I can't exactly put my finger on why. 203 00:10:06.731 --> 00:10:09.317 Actually, I can. 204 00:10:09.359 --> 00:10:10.902 We got stuck inside again! 205 00:10:10.943 --> 00:10:12.946 We got stuck inside. 206 00:10:12.988 --> 00:10:14.197 And there was no hope. 207 00:10:14.239 --> 00:10:15.865 And we lost it. 208 00:10:15.907 --> 00:10:19.161 And everybody snapped, we snapped. 209 00:10:19.201 --> 00:10:21.288 I snapped like Snap, crackle, pop. 210 00:10:21.330 --> 00:10:22.706 We gone! We snapped! 211 00:10:22.748 --> 00:10:26.168 And we needed to direct our rage and frustration 212 00:10:26.208 --> 00:10:29.296 at something tangible to restore some justice 213 00:10:29.337 --> 00:10:31.548 in an unjust world. 214 00:10:31.590 --> 00:10:35.384 And assholes are right there for the mass public shaming. 215 00:10:35.427 --> 00:10:37.053 Uh, Lynae, what is the expression 216 00:10:37.095 --> 00:10:38.638 you're always using on Instagram? 217 00:10:38.679 --> 00:10:40.807 I'ma keep it Black, but I'ma keep it brief. 218 00:10:40.849 --> 00:10:43.518 Ah, that's the one, okay. That one. 219 00:10:43.559 --> 00:10:46.062 Now, you can't get away with shit anymore. 220 00:10:46.104 --> 00:10:48.606 Because right now everyone is carrying around 221 00:10:48.648 --> 00:10:50.567 the most powerful weapon on earth. 222 00:10:50.609 --> 00:10:52.360 A hydrogen bomb. 223 00:10:52.402 --> 00:10:53.486 What? 224 00:10:53.528 --> 00:10:55.404 No, friend. A smart phone. 225 00:10:55.447 --> 00:10:57.323 Oh. 226 00:10:57.365 --> 00:10:58.991 Now, listen, you can't be rude to a hostess at a restaurant 227 00:10:59.033 --> 00:11:01.119 and not think she's going to go viral on TikTok 228 00:11:01.160 --> 00:11:02.828 telling the world about it. 229 00:11:02.870 --> 00:11:06.082 You can't go on stage and be flat out homophobic. 230 00:11:06.124 --> 00:11:07.208 No. 231 00:11:07.250 --> 00:11:08.918 And you can't be a movie star 232 00:11:08.960 --> 00:11:12.547 and privately tell women you want to cannibalize them. 233 00:11:12.589 --> 00:11:15.966 You cannot have your pussy and eat it, too. 234 00:11:16.009 --> 00:11:17.594 [cheering] 235 00:11:17.635 --> 00:11:19.096 For the rich, powerful assholes, 236 00:11:19.136 --> 00:11:21.431 there'll always be public apology tours 237 00:11:21.472 --> 00:11:24.308 and a Notes app mea culpa. 238 00:11:24.350 --> 00:11:27.895 And eventually, that asshole will join The View. 239 00:11:27.937 --> 00:11:29.188 Oh! 240 00:11:29.230 --> 00:11:31.149 Or be on "Dancing with the Stars." 241 00:11:31.191 --> 00:11:34.693 Or show their dick that no one wants to see 242 00:11:34.735 --> 00:11:36.363 to a bunch of aspiring comics 243 00:11:36.404 --> 00:11:38.907 and sell out entire theaters in Boston and Chicago 244 00:11:38.948 --> 00:11:40.033 a few years later. 245 00:11:40.075 --> 00:11:41.368 [gasping] 246 00:11:41.409 --> 00:11:43.327 Yo. 247 00:11:43.370 --> 00:11:46.623 You know what? 248 00:11:46.664 --> 00:11:48.625 I gotta get canceled. 249 00:11:48.667 --> 00:11:50.210 Mm-mm. 250 00:11:50.251 --> 00:11:51.628 I've been playing this all wrong. 251 00:11:51.669 --> 00:11:53.171 I got to get canceled! 252 00:11:53.212 --> 00:11:54.713 And I know exactly what to say. 253 00:11:54.755 --> 00:11:55.798 Uh-huh. 254 00:11:55.841 --> 00:11:57.591 All [bleep] are [bleep]. 255 00:11:57.634 --> 00:11:58.592 [gasping] 256 00:11:58.634 --> 00:11:59.260 No! 257 00:11:59.302 --> 00:12:01.929 And that's why you can't [bleep] mangy [bleep] 258 00:12:01.971 --> 00:12:03.682 to the [bleep] [bleep] 259 00:12:03.722 --> 00:12:07.226 which is why I [bleep] 260 00:12:07.269 --> 00:12:08.854 Ha ha! 261 00:12:08.894 --> 00:12:10.187 Oh... 262 00:12:10.230 --> 00:12:11.605 Dulce, Dulce, hey. 263 00:12:11.648 --> 00:12:13.066 I just got off the phone with Hollywood. 264 00:12:13.107 --> 00:12:14.525 This is my agent. What's up, darling? 265 00:12:14.567 --> 00:12:15.777 You're the next James Bond. 266 00:12:15.818 --> 00:12:17.446 Ah! Look at Jesus. 267 00:12:17.486 --> 00:12:18.447 Let's go. 268 00:12:18.488 --> 00:12:19.447 [cheering] 269 00:12:19.489 --> 00:12:20.865 [James Bond theme plays] 270 00:12:20.907 --> 00:12:22.658 Look at Jesus! Won't he do it! 271 00:12:22.701 --> 00:12:24.326 - I got canceled. - Can you do a British accent? 272 00:12:24.369 --> 00:12:26.955 [British accent] Oh, yeah, I can do a British accent. 273 00:12:26.996 --> 00:12:28.081 She can do a British accent. 274 00:12:28.123 --> 00:12:31.375 Chip, chip, cheerio, come get these towels. 275 00:12:31.418 --> 00:12:34.044 We're doing this all wrong. 276 00:12:34.086 --> 00:12:35.963 Wow. 277 00:12:36.005 --> 00:12:38.799 All right, y'all, get ready, and I do mean prepare yourselves, 278 00:12:38.841 --> 00:12:42.678 because anything can happen when Megan Stalter takes the stage. 279 00:12:42.721 --> 00:12:43.889 Megan? 280 00:12:43.929 --> 00:12:46.850 [cheering] 281 00:12:49.101 --> 00:12:51.730 I'm just gonna touch up my face. 282 00:12:59.613 --> 00:13:02.198 My magic 8-ball. 283 00:13:02.240 --> 00:13:03.365 Just a second. 284 00:13:10.499 --> 00:13:11.625 Okay. 285 00:13:12.750 --> 00:13:15.086 Um... hi, yucky bitches. 286 00:13:15.128 --> 00:13:16.837 Kidding. 287 00:13:16.879 --> 00:13:18.255 You're all nice. 288 00:13:18.298 --> 00:13:20.383 Well, most of you. 289 00:13:20.424 --> 00:13:23.010 Um... anyways, we are gathered here 290 00:13:23.052 --> 00:13:26.264 to bid farewell to our sweaty, beautiful 291 00:13:26.306 --> 00:13:29.850 drunk friends with benefits, Hot Vaxx Summer. 292 00:13:29.893 --> 00:13:33.480 [cheering] 293 00:13:33.522 --> 00:13:35.815 And if you don't know what I mean by Hot Vaxx Summer, 294 00:13:35.856 --> 00:13:37.734 you may know her by her Christian name, 295 00:13:37.775 --> 00:13:40.070 Slut Girl Summer. 296 00:13:40.110 --> 00:13:42.905 Whatever you call her, she was our horny little season 297 00:13:42.947 --> 00:13:45.075 that could get it in and get it down. 298 00:13:45.115 --> 00:13:48.370 Reverse cowgirl style. 299 00:13:48.411 --> 00:13:50.371 Wine me, dine me, 39 me. 300 00:13:50.413 --> 00:13:52.999 Which is like 69, 301 00:13:53.040 --> 00:13:56.669 but... shorter with longer tongue. 302 00:13:56.711 --> 00:14:00.090 And a shorter time. 303 00:14:00.130 --> 00:14:01.883 That makes sense. 304 00:14:01.924 --> 00:14:05.553 Anyways, even though she only lived for a brief sticky season, 305 00:14:05.595 --> 00:14:08.639 Hot Vaxx Summer gave me a lifetime of memories 306 00:14:08.682 --> 00:14:11.142 and unidentifiable phone numbers. 307 00:14:11.183 --> 00:14:13.227 Like hot accountant with hair. 308 00:14:13.269 --> 00:14:14.937 Spooky Michael, he was fun. 309 00:14:14.980 --> 00:14:18.066 Woman who looks like Susan Sarandon, but mean. 310 00:14:18.107 --> 00:14:20.568 She wasn't mean, but she looked mean. 311 00:14:20.610 --> 00:14:25.115 It was hot. It was really hot. 312 00:14:25.155 --> 00:14:27.576 You don't have any idea where this will fit. 313 00:14:27.616 --> 00:14:29.786 Let's just say that. 314 00:14:29.827 --> 00:14:31.538 Dizzy just thinking about her. 315 00:14:33.623 --> 00:14:35.792 Anyway, when I think about Hot Vaxx Summer, 316 00:14:35.834 --> 00:14:37.751 I'm reminded of her most important lesson: 317 00:14:37.793 --> 00:14:40.462 sure, you can be vaccinated against Corona virus, 318 00:14:40.504 --> 00:14:43.508 but you cannot get vaccinated against HPV. 319 00:14:43.549 --> 00:14:44.926 Oh, actually, you can. 320 00:14:44.967 --> 00:14:46.635 I love that energy, girl. 321 00:14:46.677 --> 00:14:49.722 No, Meg, there's a real HPV vaccine. 322 00:14:49.764 --> 00:14:53.393 Love your spirit, biotch. 323 00:14:53.434 --> 00:14:54.936 She don't even know me. 324 00:14:54.977 --> 00:14:57.105 Anyways, Hot Vaxx Summer is survived by 325 00:14:57.147 --> 00:14:58.606 Force Fiancé Fall. 326 00:14:58.648 --> 00:15:00.859 The only comfort I derive from this is 327 00:15:00.899 --> 00:15:03.653 how fitting it is that in her final act, 328 00:15:03.695 --> 00:15:06.697 Hot Vaxx Summer is getting laid... to rest. 329 00:15:06.740 --> 00:15:07.865 Love you, cunt. 330 00:15:07.907 --> 00:15:09.326 My God! 331 00:15:09.366 --> 00:15:11.952 - [piano plays] - Thank you. 332 00:15:14.998 --> 00:15:16.081 Woo-ooo! 333 00:15:16.124 --> 00:15:19.586 That was... very Megan. 334 00:15:24.090 --> 00:15:26.342 Oh. 335 00:15:26.384 --> 00:15:28.636 All right. 336 00:15:28.677 --> 00:15:30.971 And now we are going to hear from someone very special. 337 00:15:31.014 --> 00:15:32.890 Guys, she's a little nervous, 338 00:15:32.932 --> 00:15:36.436 so please join me in giving a very warm welcome 339 00:15:36.477 --> 00:15:41.024 to the extremely funny Aparna Nancherla. 340 00:15:41.066 --> 00:15:44.110 [cheering] 341 00:15:45.403 --> 00:15:46.528 Girl, I have got to take this off. 342 00:15:46.571 --> 00:15:48.740 I can't look like this, hold on. 343 00:15:48.782 --> 00:15:50.240 - I hear you. Let me put it up. - Thank you. 344 00:15:50.283 --> 00:15:52.118 [cheering] 345 00:16:01.503 --> 00:16:04.047 Hi. 346 00:16:04.089 --> 00:16:06.383 Hello. 347 00:16:06.423 --> 00:16:08.259 Salutations. 348 00:16:11.388 --> 00:16:15.933 So, um... anyone here from out of town? 349 00:16:15.975 --> 00:16:17.726 No crowd work! 350 00:16:17.769 --> 00:16:23.399 Okay, I was just trying to connect to my fellow humans. 351 00:16:23.441 --> 00:16:28.071 Well, I'm here to say goodbye to the hermit life. 352 00:16:28.113 --> 00:16:30.782 [applause] 353 00:16:30.823 --> 00:16:34.451 This was the year we took off the quarantine sweatpants 354 00:16:34.494 --> 00:16:38.331 and put on the socializing sweatpants. 355 00:16:38.373 --> 00:16:41.292 Which are in fact the same pants. 356 00:16:41.334 --> 00:16:43.043 They were. 357 00:16:43.086 --> 00:16:47.215 It's all about intent. Like money laundering, you know? 358 00:16:47.256 --> 00:16:50.802 I remember when my hermit life all began. 359 00:16:50.844 --> 00:16:55.056 I was watching TV, one of my many friends who is a screen, 360 00:16:55.097 --> 00:16:58.475 and, uh... it suddenly blared, 361 00:16:58.518 --> 00:17:01.562 "Breaking news! The CDC recommends 362 00:17:01.604 --> 00:17:04.148 everyone stay inside indefinitely. 363 00:17:04.190 --> 00:17:08.153 Yes, we will continue to be this ominous and vague." 364 00:17:08.193 --> 00:17:11.280 You know, with my bubbly personality, 365 00:17:12.865 --> 00:17:15.743 pathological addiction to drama, 366 00:17:18.078 --> 00:17:21.039 and cocaine filled social calendar, 367 00:17:21.082 --> 00:17:23.625 this was a big sacrifice for me. 368 00:17:23.667 --> 00:17:27.630 But like millions of others, I answered the call of duty, 369 00:17:27.672 --> 00:17:32.885 even though I prefer texts, I've made that very clear. 370 00:17:32.926 --> 00:17:37.848 I immediately adopted two small hangry cats. 371 00:17:37.891 --> 00:17:40.434 I always bought a Himalayan salt lamp. 372 00:17:40.477 --> 00:17:42.019 No, I still don't know what it does, 373 00:17:42.060 --> 00:17:45.230 and yes, I have licked it more than once. 374 00:17:45.272 --> 00:17:47.983 I organized all my mystery cords. 375 00:17:48.026 --> 00:17:52.529 I advised my therapist on jazzing up her background. 376 00:17:52.572 --> 00:17:55.325 I stayed in shape by doing the same workout 377 00:17:55.365 --> 00:17:58.827 as Jennifer Lopez's character in the movie "Enough." 378 00:17:58.869 --> 00:18:01.998 Being a hermit was a natural fit for me. 379 00:18:02.039 --> 00:18:04.334 Actually, did you know the word hermit 380 00:18:04.375 --> 00:18:07.127 comes from the Greek word, Eremites, 381 00:18:07.170 --> 00:18:09.547 meaning "of the desert?" 382 00:18:09.588 --> 00:18:13.343 Yeah, I know that because I took an online Greek class 383 00:18:13.384 --> 00:18:14.803 for eight days. 384 00:18:14.844 --> 00:18:18.263 Day nine, the free trial ended, so, you know... 385 00:18:18.306 --> 00:18:19.932 Mm-hmm. 386 00:18:19.973 --> 00:18:21.601 You know, without the shackles of society 387 00:18:21.643 --> 00:18:25.980 and peer pressure, I became the most fully realized 388 00:18:26.021 --> 00:18:28.106 version of myself! 389 00:18:28.148 --> 00:18:29.817 - Good for you! - [cheering] 390 00:18:29.858 --> 00:18:31.653 I see you, girl. Live your truth. 391 00:18:31.693 --> 00:18:35.656 But then it all came crashing down. 392 00:18:35.698 --> 00:18:38.326 [crowd] Oh. 393 00:18:39.743 --> 00:18:41.829 Okay, I'm done crashing. 394 00:18:46.584 --> 00:18:49.837 Reintegrating to society was culture shock. 395 00:18:49.878 --> 00:18:52.798 You know, my mind erased things that weren't important anymore 396 00:18:52.840 --> 00:18:55.093 like how to make small talk. 397 00:18:55.134 --> 00:18:57.302 I tried to bring up the weather recently, 398 00:18:57.345 --> 00:18:59.888 and I said, "Oh, Sun, Moon to rain, huh?" 399 00:18:59.931 --> 00:19:01.723 [laughing] 400 00:19:01.766 --> 00:19:05.228 Luckily, I learned a few new tricks 401 00:19:05.269 --> 00:19:08.856 from a very credible source known as WikiHow. 402 00:19:08.897 --> 00:19:11.651 If you're at a social function where you don't know anyone, 403 00:19:11.692 --> 00:19:13.653 try walking up to a stranger 404 00:19:13.694 --> 00:19:17.365 and reciting an interesting fact in an enthusiastic tone. 405 00:19:17.406 --> 00:19:18.950 Like, "Hello, 406 00:19:18.991 --> 00:19:20.660 did you know the word hermit 407 00:19:20.701 --> 00:19:23.872 comes from the Greek word, Eremites, 408 00:19:23.913 --> 00:19:25.455 meaning of the desert?" 409 00:19:25.498 --> 00:19:28.917 Next, always have exit excuses locked and loaded 410 00:19:28.960 --> 00:19:30.961 whenever you're at a party. 411 00:19:31.003 --> 00:19:35.008 For example, "Oh, I have to go! I forgot I'm a doula! 412 00:19:35.048 --> 00:19:36.467 We're always on call." 413 00:19:40.721 --> 00:19:43.266 Or, "Oh, the line to the bathroom is very long. 414 00:19:43.307 --> 00:19:44.808 I'm going to use mine." 415 00:19:49.689 --> 00:19:54.109 And finally, don't forget about your non-verbal communication. 416 00:19:54.152 --> 00:19:56.738 You know, here's some classic facial expressions 417 00:19:56.778 --> 00:19:58.615 for everyday settings. 418 00:19:58.655 --> 00:20:00.157 The "listening" face. 419 00:20:03.702 --> 00:20:06.497 The "I think this story is supposed to be funny 420 00:20:06.538 --> 00:20:08.833 but it's not really going anywhere" face. 421 00:20:14.005 --> 00:20:16.965 The "I spaced out for 30 seconds and am now 422 00:20:17.008 --> 00:20:18.593 overcompensating" face. 423 00:20:24.057 --> 00:20:27.101 And finally, the "I have clinical depression 424 00:20:27.143 --> 00:20:30.313 and constantly remember that none of this matters" face. 425 00:20:35.359 --> 00:20:38.820 That's actually my resting face, so... 426 00:20:38.863 --> 00:20:41.531 Oh, I have to go, I forgot I'm a doula! 427 00:20:41.574 --> 00:20:43.992 [cheering] 428 00:20:44.035 --> 00:20:45.619 We know that's a lie. 429 00:20:45.662 --> 00:20:46.788 Duty... 430 00:20:46.828 --> 00:20:48.373 Best of luck, Aparna, 431 00:20:48.413 --> 00:20:50.833 and I hope you have a safe and healthy delivery. 432 00:20:50.875 --> 00:20:53.044 Thank you, it's my first time. 433 00:20:54.170 --> 00:20:56.588 All right. And now... 434 00:20:56.631 --> 00:21:01.219 Laying to rest something gone far, far too soon. 435 00:21:01.259 --> 00:21:03.637 Please welcome X Mayo. 436 00:21:03.680 --> 00:21:05.390 [cheering] 437 00:21:07.849 --> 00:21:09.184 That was fast. 438 00:21:09.227 --> 00:21:10.519 I'm very good. 439 00:21:15.942 --> 00:21:20.195 Ladies, I am here today to lay to rest 440 00:21:20.238 --> 00:21:24.241 "My Body My Choice" bumper stickers. 441 00:21:24.282 --> 00:21:25.576 R.I.P. 442 00:21:25.617 --> 00:21:27.744 The slogan had a great run. 443 00:21:27.787 --> 00:21:29.872 It was a mindset, a movement. 444 00:21:29.913 --> 00:21:33.417 And a hard-earned victory we won decades ago. 445 00:21:33.459 --> 00:21:36.170 And it was a bumper sticker that proudly declared 446 00:21:36.211 --> 00:21:39.382 to all who passed, yes, I am a white woman, 447 00:21:39.423 --> 00:21:44.011 and I am listening to Alanis Morisette in this Subaru. 448 00:21:44.052 --> 00:21:46.596 But then 2021 happened. 449 00:21:46.638 --> 00:21:50.308 And the Supreme Court had the caucasity 450 00:21:50.351 --> 00:21:54.689 to roll back reproductive rights. 451 00:21:54.730 --> 00:21:56.566 Unless you're rich. 452 00:21:56.606 --> 00:21:59.443 First things first, now that the Supreme Court 453 00:21:59.484 --> 00:22:01.778 has ruled that our bodies ain't none of our business 454 00:22:01.820 --> 00:22:05.407 sex can have more consequences than it has in a long time. 455 00:22:05.450 --> 00:22:08.243 Now every time you hook up, you have to ask yourself, 456 00:22:08.286 --> 00:22:09.662 would this stranger with no bedframe be 457 00:22:09.703 --> 00:22:12.205 a good co-parent to my child? 458 00:22:12.248 --> 00:22:13.624 No! 459 00:22:13.665 --> 00:22:16.044 He don't even have sheets, ladies. 460 00:22:16.085 --> 00:22:20.506 Which is why I have a very special presentation for you. 461 00:22:20.548 --> 00:22:22.717 Hot wordless man? 462 00:22:22.759 --> 00:22:25.219 [cheering] 463 00:22:25.260 --> 00:22:27.387 Yes! 464 00:22:27.430 --> 00:22:30.724 Ladies, I present the 2021 Fuckbook. 465 00:22:30.767 --> 00:22:32.477 [cheering] 466 00:22:33.978 --> 00:22:36.772 Here are the people you can have sex with 467 00:22:36.814 --> 00:22:40.942 without the risk of an unwanted pregnancy. 468 00:22:40.984 --> 00:22:42.778 Yes, take a look. 469 00:22:42.819 --> 00:22:45.655 This married family values senator 470 00:22:45.698 --> 00:22:49.242 and only man who's needed a circumcision for his neck. 471 00:22:49.285 --> 00:22:52.579 If he gets you pregnant, you won't stay pregnant for long. 472 00:22:52.622 --> 00:22:55.249 You may even get a private jet to a clinic in Puerto Rico. 473 00:22:55.290 --> 00:22:56.959 Mm-hmm. 474 00:22:57.000 --> 00:22:59.420 All right, next step. 475 00:22:59.461 --> 00:23:02.507 We have your Dad's golf friend, Alan. 476 00:23:02.548 --> 00:23:04.509 He's not going to let a little mistake ruin things 477 00:23:04.549 --> 00:23:07.303 for him and Eileen, oh, no, she put him through law school. 478 00:23:07.345 --> 00:23:11.432 Sleep with Alan, consider your reproductive rights restored. 479 00:23:13.851 --> 00:23:16.144 And last, you're going to love this one. 480 00:23:16.186 --> 00:23:18.105 Oh, yes. 481 00:23:18.146 --> 00:23:20.148 [cheering] 482 00:23:22.567 --> 00:23:26.780 Yes, the safest sex of all is sex with yourself. 483 00:23:28.907 --> 00:23:32.662 We all laughed at Gwyneth Paltrow's vibrating jade egg 484 00:23:32.702 --> 00:23:34.454 and now look at us, we're sitting on them. 485 00:23:34.497 --> 00:23:36.749 Facts, facts. 486 00:23:36.790 --> 00:23:39.000 Which brings... you can go. 487 00:23:39.042 --> 00:23:41.336 Which brings me to another helpful idea 488 00:23:41.378 --> 00:23:44.714 and you know how much I have to get politi-cal. 489 00:23:44.757 --> 00:23:49.095 But we need to regulate sperm like we regulate guns. 490 00:23:49.136 --> 00:23:50.721 Yes! 491 00:23:50.762 --> 00:23:54.224 Everyone needs a sperm permit. A spermit. 492 00:23:54.267 --> 00:23:55.893 Speak on it. 493 00:23:55.934 --> 00:23:58.645 And if that doesn't solve everything right now, 494 00:23:58.688 --> 00:24:01.731 as a special surprise, one lucky audience member 495 00:24:01.773 --> 00:24:03.358 has an IUD under her seat. 496 00:24:03.401 --> 00:24:05.153 - Ooh! - Yes, everybody look. 497 00:24:09.156 --> 00:24:10.575 Oh, oh! 498 00:24:10.615 --> 00:24:12.076 I got it. 499 00:24:12.117 --> 00:24:13.201 Yes. 500 00:24:13.243 --> 00:24:14.744 I never win these things. 501 00:24:14.787 --> 00:24:16.663 Woo! 502 00:24:16.705 --> 00:24:19.208 Sorry we can only afford one, ladies, they're so expensive. 503 00:24:19.250 --> 00:24:20.667 - Mm-hmm. - That's it. 504 00:24:20.710 --> 00:24:22.586 But let's just be clear, this is not about 505 00:24:22.627 --> 00:24:24.422 the horizontal mambo, 506 00:24:24.462 --> 00:24:27.215 the ooey-gooey ciabatta. 507 00:24:27.258 --> 00:24:28.634 The two headed beast. 508 00:24:28.675 --> 00:24:30.510 You can just say sex. 509 00:24:30.553 --> 00:24:33.013 Right, it's about so much more than that. 510 00:24:33.055 --> 00:24:36.267 It's about things hopefully everyone agrees on. 511 00:24:36.308 --> 00:24:38.685 Ending the cycle of poverty by ensuring 512 00:24:38.728 --> 00:24:39.729 people aren't forced to have children 513 00:24:39.769 --> 00:24:42.856 they cannot afford to raise. 514 00:24:42.898 --> 00:24:45.984 [cheering] 515 00:24:46.027 --> 00:24:48.237 And the government's interest in babies shouldn't stop 516 00:24:48.278 --> 00:24:49.279 as soon as they're born. 517 00:24:49.322 --> 00:24:51.073 Yes! 518 00:24:51.115 --> 00:24:53.034 And season three of "Succession" took way too long to come out. 519 00:24:53.075 --> 00:24:54.326 Yeah! 520 00:24:54.367 --> 00:24:55.536 And where the fuck is "Boondocks"? 521 00:24:55.577 --> 00:24:57.163 Yeah! 522 00:24:57.204 --> 00:25:00.374 What I'm saying is we have to keep fighting. 523 00:25:00.415 --> 00:25:02.960 Let's be honest, many of you thought a new president 524 00:25:03.001 --> 00:25:05.212 would solve all of our problems, 525 00:25:05.253 --> 00:25:08.007 and that is because many of you are white. 526 00:25:08.048 --> 00:25:09.342 Yeah! 527 00:25:09.383 --> 00:25:11.719 And ultimately, even though 528 00:25:11.760 --> 00:25:14.221 "My Body My Choice" bumper stickers are gone, 529 00:25:14.262 --> 00:25:17.892 we can honor their legacy by not giving in to apathy. 530 00:25:17.933 --> 00:25:20.185 By not falling asleep behind the wheel 531 00:25:20.228 --> 00:25:22.896 because do you know who sure as shit hasn't? 532 00:25:22.939 --> 00:25:24.606 The motherfuckers who thinks the vaccine 533 00:25:24.648 --> 00:25:27.108 turns you into a magnet and thinks JFK Jr. 534 00:25:27.151 --> 00:25:30.238 is a guy living in his van in Pennsylvania. 535 00:25:30.278 --> 00:25:32.240 They're dying for us to lose momentum, 536 00:25:32.280 --> 00:25:33.240 but will we? 537 00:25:33.281 --> 00:25:34.909 [crowd] No! 538 00:25:34.951 --> 00:25:36.911 That's right, because if we can muster up enough 539 00:25:36.952 --> 00:25:39.913 fan outrage to bring back our favorite cancelled show, 540 00:25:39.955 --> 00:25:42.583 "The Connors"... 541 00:25:42.625 --> 00:25:44.042 It's a good show. 542 00:25:44.085 --> 00:25:46.420 Then we can do it for our reproductive rights. 543 00:25:46.461 --> 00:25:48.088 [cheering] 544 00:25:50.090 --> 00:25:52.718 So I stand here before you today 545 00:25:52.759 --> 00:25:55.387 itching in lace. 546 00:25:55.429 --> 00:25:57.682 To ask you one simple question: 547 00:25:57.722 --> 00:25:59.892 will you take this fear and anxiety 548 00:25:59.933 --> 00:26:02.269 and commit to doing everything you can to make sure 549 00:26:02.310 --> 00:26:04.605 we unfuck what they fucked up 550 00:26:04.646 --> 00:26:06.816 so we can get back to fucking? 551 00:26:06.856 --> 00:26:07.983 [cheering] 552 00:26:08.025 --> 00:26:09.109 Fuck yeah. 553 00:26:09.151 --> 00:26:11.569 That sounds real good to me. 554 00:26:11.612 --> 00:26:14.699 And with that... 555 00:26:14.740 --> 00:26:17.285 I have plan B for everybody. 556 00:26:17.326 --> 00:26:18.786 [cheering] 557 00:26:18.827 --> 00:26:22.080 All right, let's go... One, two, three. 558 00:26:22.123 --> 00:26:23.833 [cheering] 559 00:26:26.335 --> 00:26:29.797 You're not gonna get pregnant, you're not gonna get pregnant, 560 00:26:29.838 --> 00:26:31.715 you're not gonna get pregnant. 561 00:26:31.757 --> 00:26:33.049 Yes! 562 00:26:33.092 --> 00:26:34.509 Thanks, ladies. 563 00:26:40.807 --> 00:26:42.058 Wow, okay. 564 00:26:42.101 --> 00:26:44.936 The ooey-gooey ciabatta. 565 00:26:44.979 --> 00:26:48.523 Can't lie, I'm interested. 566 00:26:48.566 --> 00:26:51.861 All right, ladies, we have said goodbye to so much tonight, 567 00:26:51.902 --> 00:26:53.570 but before we... 568 00:26:53.612 --> 00:26:55.155 I'm sorry I'm late. 569 00:26:55.197 --> 00:26:56.574 [gasping] 570 00:26:56.615 --> 00:26:58.784 But you know I am a living legend. 571 00:26:58.826 --> 00:27:00.827 [cheering] [music playing] 572 00:27:04.707 --> 00:27:06.875 Miss Fonda, please. It's an honor. 573 00:27:06.916 --> 00:27:08.461 The podium is yours. 574 00:27:08.501 --> 00:27:10.253 [cheering] 575 00:27:11.756 --> 00:27:13.089 It's an honor. 576 00:27:16.218 --> 00:27:19.680 Hello, my name is Jane Fonda, I'm um... 577 00:27:19.721 --> 00:27:21.515 [cheering] 578 00:27:21.557 --> 00:27:23.642 Thank you. 579 00:27:23.683 --> 00:27:25.603 Oscar, Emmy, Golden Globe winning thespian. 580 00:27:25.644 --> 00:27:27.188 [cheering] 581 00:27:27.229 --> 00:27:31.358 Environmentalist, political activist, arrestee. 582 00:27:31.400 --> 00:27:35.278 And either I'm Grace or Frankie, I'm not sure. 583 00:27:35.320 --> 00:27:37.781 Um... Google me. 584 00:27:37.823 --> 00:27:40.201 This year we said goodbye 585 00:27:40.241 --> 00:27:45.038 to Ignoring the Climate Crisis. 586 00:27:45.080 --> 00:27:49.376 The world's top 200 climate scientists have called this 587 00:27:49.417 --> 00:27:52.755 a code red moment for humanity. 588 00:27:52.797 --> 00:27:56.092 Texas froze over. 589 00:27:56.133 --> 00:27:58.676 Then the ocean caught fire. 590 00:27:58.719 --> 00:28:02.972 New York City subways turned into white water rapids 591 00:28:03.015 --> 00:28:07.936 and Seattle got hotter than that hotty from "Bridgerton" 592 00:28:07.978 --> 00:28:10.355 who has nothing on you, dear. 593 00:28:10.397 --> 00:28:11.981 Woo! 594 00:28:12.023 --> 00:28:14.234 When things get this cataclysmic, 595 00:28:14.276 --> 00:28:17.320 I usually file for divorce. 596 00:28:17.363 --> 00:28:19.115 Now that's a legend! 597 00:28:19.155 --> 00:28:21.741 You probably assume that I'm up here ready 598 00:28:21.784 --> 00:28:26.872 to give a doom and gloom speech. But no. 599 00:28:26.913 --> 00:28:30.667 I've had a martini and a doobie and I'm feeling kinda hopeful. 600 00:28:30.709 --> 00:28:33.796 [cheering] 601 00:28:33.837 --> 00:28:35.923 The fossil fuel corporations 602 00:28:35.964 --> 00:28:38.384 aren't going to give up fracking our future 603 00:28:38.425 --> 00:28:40.219 and buying off our politicians, 604 00:28:40.260 --> 00:28:43.681 so... we might as well look at the bright side, right? 605 00:28:43.721 --> 00:28:45.182 - Mm-hmm. - Okay. 606 00:28:45.223 --> 00:28:49.103 Nobody talks about how the haze from wildfires 607 00:28:49.144 --> 00:28:54.023 creates such incredibly flattering light. 608 00:28:54.066 --> 00:28:58.153 And sure, sea levels are rising at an accelerating rate, 609 00:28:58.194 --> 00:29:01.949 but doesn't that mean there's more ocean front property 610 00:29:01.990 --> 00:29:04.576 becoming available? 611 00:29:04.617 --> 00:29:07.288 My grandson might never see a coral reef, 612 00:29:07.328 --> 00:29:10.207 but he will snorkel high above the gorgeous 613 00:29:10.249 --> 00:29:13.251 underwater city of Miami. 614 00:29:13.294 --> 00:29:21.050 Plus, protesting the fossil fuel industry is amazing cardio. 615 00:29:21.093 --> 00:29:23.345 If I hadn't been arrested repeatedly, 616 00:29:23.386 --> 00:29:25.681 I wouldn't have this butt. 617 00:29:25.722 --> 00:29:28.433 [cheering] 618 00:29:28.476 --> 00:29:33.605 Stepping into police vans has replaced my Stairmaster. 619 00:29:33.646 --> 00:29:35.523 Talk about resistance training. 620 00:29:35.566 --> 00:29:37.358 Yes, clever word play. 621 00:29:37.401 --> 00:29:39.944 So basically, unless major corporate polluters 622 00:29:39.987 --> 00:29:41.697 are held accountable 623 00:29:41.739 --> 00:29:44.950 and we vote out the politicians beholden to them, 624 00:29:44.991 --> 00:29:46.410 our days are numbered. 625 00:29:46.451 --> 00:29:49.538 If it's just fossil fuel corporations, 626 00:29:49.579 --> 00:29:50.748 does that mean I shouldn't feel bad about 627 00:29:50.788 --> 00:29:52.665 my Fiji water soaking bath? 628 00:29:52.708 --> 00:29:56.586 No, you should feel very, very bad about that, Maggie. 629 00:29:56.628 --> 00:29:59.214 Oh my God, Jane Fonda knows my name! 630 00:29:59.256 --> 00:30:00.548 That's not your name. 631 00:30:00.590 --> 00:30:02.092 It is now. 632 00:30:02.134 --> 00:30:05.261 So, let's enjoy the earth while it lasts. 633 00:30:05.304 --> 00:30:07.056 [cheering] 634 00:30:12.810 --> 00:30:15.814 I'd like to propose a toast 635 00:30:15.855 --> 00:30:17.650 to the planet. 636 00:30:17.691 --> 00:30:19.151 Our only home. 637 00:30:19.192 --> 00:30:24.573 [cheering] 638 00:30:24.615 --> 00:30:26.366 And now if you'll excuse me, 639 00:30:26.407 --> 00:30:29.077 I have to go scrub the oil off a blue whale 640 00:30:29.118 --> 00:30:30.828 down on Huntington beach. 641 00:30:30.871 --> 00:30:32.163 [cheering] 642 00:30:47.512 --> 00:30:49.056 Wow. 643 00:30:49.097 --> 00:30:53.560 Jane "fabulous at any age" Fonda. Oh my God. 644 00:30:53.602 --> 00:30:55.061 We should all be so lucky. 645 00:30:55.104 --> 00:30:56.730 Because if I'm being honest, 646 00:30:56.771 --> 00:30:59.357 with everything that's going on, 647 00:30:59.400 --> 00:31:02.111 I don't know about y'all but I am tired. 648 00:31:02.152 --> 00:31:03.570 Mm-hmm. 649 00:31:03.612 --> 00:31:04.904 Nah, nah, scratch that, I'm "tiH'd"! 650 00:31:04.946 --> 00:31:07.532 With a capital "H'd." 651 00:31:07.575 --> 00:31:08.992 Actually, if you don't mind, 652 00:31:09.034 --> 00:31:10.786 I can't live like this no more. 653 00:31:10.827 --> 00:31:13.204 - Take them off! - What am I trying to prove, ok? 654 00:31:13.247 --> 00:31:14.205 - [cheering] - Do it. 655 00:31:14.248 --> 00:31:15.415 Do it, do it, do it! 656 00:31:15.457 --> 00:31:16.791 My foot hurt. 657 00:31:16.834 --> 00:31:19.336 As I was saying, a hoe is tired. 658 00:31:19.377 --> 00:31:24.048 And that's why I'm saying goodbye to hustle and grind. 659 00:31:24.090 --> 00:31:25.759 [cheering] 660 00:31:25.800 --> 00:31:29.930 We live in a culture that celebrates being on and popping. 661 00:31:29.971 --> 00:31:32.599 All the time? Everywhere we turn, we're being told. 662 00:31:32.641 --> 00:31:34.809 that we always have to be hustling. 663 00:31:34.852 --> 00:31:36.936 What you doing? What are you doing? 664 00:31:36.979 --> 00:31:38.605 What are you doing? 665 00:31:38.646 --> 00:31:41.983 You know, you work five jobs and you have #nodaysoff. 666 00:31:42.026 --> 00:31:44.737 You at the gym. Yeah, you, at the gym, 667 00:31:44.778 --> 00:31:47.030 and posting it on the 'gram, look at me, it's leg day. 668 00:31:47.072 --> 00:31:48.740 Ah! 669 00:31:48.781 --> 00:31:50.409 Because if you don't post it, did it ever happen? 670 00:31:50.451 --> 00:31:52.201 Well, did it happen, Morty? We get it. 671 00:31:52.243 --> 00:31:55.122 Close your shirt up. Close your shirt! 672 00:31:55.163 --> 00:31:59.960 [chanting] Close your shirt! 673 00:32:00.001 --> 00:32:02.962 Just saying, like, what if I'm too tired to go to the gym? 674 00:32:03.005 --> 00:32:05.840 This is how tired I am, my shoulders are high. 675 00:32:05.883 --> 00:32:08.926 Just like this. I'm so tired. 676 00:32:08.969 --> 00:32:12.765 We're so afraid that if we just sit down 677 00:32:12.806 --> 00:32:15.476 for one dag'gone second, we're going to be left behind. 678 00:32:15.517 --> 00:32:17.019 Left behind where? 679 00:32:17.060 --> 00:32:20.064 They're already going to space without us. 680 00:32:20.105 --> 00:32:22.816 But this year, so many of us said, you know what, 681 00:32:22.857 --> 00:32:26.528 - mmm-mm, enough is enough. - Yes! 682 00:32:26.569 --> 00:32:30.199 And Black women who have had to hustle and grind 683 00:32:30.240 --> 00:32:32.076 twice as hard led the charge. 684 00:32:32.116 --> 00:32:33.451 True! 685 00:32:33.493 --> 00:32:36.413 Simon Biles put her 3'4" feet down 686 00:32:36.454 --> 00:32:39.708 and she stopped tumbling just to prioritize her mental health, 687 00:32:39.750 --> 00:32:41.794 and you know what? She still won a medal. 688 00:32:41.835 --> 00:32:46.131 Naomi Osaka taught us that, "mm-mm" is a complete sentence. 689 00:32:46.173 --> 00:32:48.967 "I don't want to" is a good enough reason. 690 00:32:49.009 --> 00:32:51.720 And Meghan Markle was so tired, 691 00:32:51.761 --> 00:32:54.890 that that chick gave up a whole entire castle, y'all. 692 00:32:54.932 --> 00:32:56.808 That's how tired Black women are. 693 00:32:56.849 --> 00:32:59.603 We don't even want to be princesses no more! 694 00:32:59.644 --> 00:33:02.189 Speak for yourself, honey. 695 00:33:02.230 --> 00:33:03.231 Okay, first you want to be James Bond, 696 00:33:03.272 --> 00:33:04.607 now you want to be a princess? 697 00:33:04.650 --> 00:33:07.778 I'm trying to take over England, baby. 698 00:33:07.819 --> 00:33:11.115 No, everybody's tired, even essential workers. 699 00:33:11.155 --> 00:33:15.493 They rightfully asked, "Y'all, if we're so essential, 700 00:33:15.536 --> 00:33:17.078 then how come y'all won't provide us with, 701 00:33:17.121 --> 00:33:19.163 I don't know, a living wage and health care?" 702 00:33:19.205 --> 00:33:21.165 [applause] 703 00:33:21.208 --> 00:33:22.960 'Cause if covid don't get you, a milk crate will. Ah! 704 00:33:23.000 --> 00:33:26.755 I got that challenge on my first try. 705 00:33:26.797 --> 00:33:27.756 Oh, really, your first one? 706 00:33:27.798 --> 00:33:29.090 You want to show us? 707 00:33:29.133 --> 00:33:32.009 It takes me two hours to set it up. 708 00:33:32.051 --> 00:33:36.056 [laughing] [sighs] 709 00:33:36.097 --> 00:33:38.349 I'm too tired to even mess with you right now, Aparna. 710 00:33:38.392 --> 00:33:39.893 That's how tired I am. 711 00:33:41.854 --> 00:33:44.397 You know, this was a year that it became crystal clear 712 00:33:44.440 --> 00:33:45.982 what we really wanted. 713 00:33:46.023 --> 00:33:48.777 Some people moved out of big, expensive cities 714 00:33:48.818 --> 00:33:52.655 to live slower lives in smaller towns closer to family. 715 00:33:52.698 --> 00:33:54.950 And other people traded in high powered corporate gigs 716 00:33:54.991 --> 00:33:57.952 they have been working towards since graduation 717 00:33:57.994 --> 00:33:59.538 only to pursue their dream 718 00:33:59.579 --> 00:34:01.749 of selling homemade snicker doodle cookies 719 00:34:01.789 --> 00:34:04.209 or mimosa scented body scrubs. 720 00:34:04.250 --> 00:34:06.545 If anyone's interested in hand-knitted dog booties, 721 00:34:06.586 --> 00:34:08.172 you can visit my Etsy store. 722 00:34:08.213 --> 00:34:10.923 Rachel, you got an Emmy and an Etsy? 723 00:34:10.965 --> 00:34:12.467 Girl, ain't you tired. 724 00:34:12.509 --> 00:34:13.969 I love dogs. 725 00:34:14.010 --> 00:34:15.679 At some point I'm going to have to answer 726 00:34:15.721 --> 00:34:17.264 to my mama when she asks, 727 00:34:17.306 --> 00:34:19.682 "When are you going to stop posting on Instagram 728 00:34:19.724 --> 00:34:21.518 and give me some grandbabies?" 729 00:34:21.559 --> 00:34:24.438 How does she think I'm supposed to get the man 730 00:34:24.480 --> 00:34:26.731 to give her these grandbabies? 731 00:34:26.773 --> 00:34:28.358 Do you understand how hard it is to explain 732 00:34:28.400 --> 00:34:30.777 what a thirst trap is to an immigrant mom? 733 00:34:30.818 --> 00:34:32.403 Let me show you. 734 00:34:33.614 --> 00:34:35.907 [chanting] 735 00:34:44.081 --> 00:34:45.876 That is a thirst trap. 736 00:34:45.918 --> 00:34:47.835 [applause] 737 00:34:47.878 --> 00:34:50.130 Basically, y'all, the pandemic made me realize 738 00:34:50.172 --> 00:34:52.173 that life is short. 739 00:34:52.215 --> 00:34:54.425 And tomorrow's not promised. 740 00:34:54.467 --> 00:34:57.012 So Drake, you really need to answer my DMs. 741 00:34:57.054 --> 00:34:59.014 [cheering] 742 00:34:59.056 --> 00:35:00.724 And I'm proud of us, 743 00:35:00.766 --> 00:35:02.266 because we're all ending this year 744 00:35:02.309 --> 00:35:04.436 very differently than when we began it. 745 00:35:04.478 --> 00:35:07.438 We're getting rid of everything that did not serve us, 746 00:35:07.481 --> 00:35:10.525 and we are embracing these newer, beautiful versions 747 00:35:10.567 --> 00:35:11.735 of ourselves 748 00:35:11.777 --> 00:35:13.152 with a new set of priorities. 749 00:35:13.195 --> 00:35:15.780 I mean, what are we all working so hard for 750 00:35:15.822 --> 00:35:17.574 if we can't enjoy the fruits of our labor? 751 00:35:17.615 --> 00:35:18.617 Yeah! 752 00:35:18.659 --> 00:35:19.992 So tonight 753 00:35:20.034 --> 00:35:21.619 I'm putting down hustle and grind. 754 00:35:21.661 --> 00:35:22.913 Bye bye. 755 00:35:22.954 --> 00:35:27.000 And I am picking up ease and flow. 756 00:35:27.041 --> 00:35:28.001 Mmm. 757 00:35:28.043 --> 00:35:29.753 [cheering] 758 00:35:29.795 --> 00:35:34.757 Because you know what? Resting is being productive, too. 759 00:35:34.800 --> 00:35:37.594 When you're rested up, you can show up for you 760 00:35:37.635 --> 00:35:40.347 and for the people and causes you actually care about. 761 00:35:40.389 --> 00:35:42.599 You can't pour from an empty glass. 762 00:35:42.641 --> 00:35:44.101 And speaking of glasses, 763 00:35:44.141 --> 00:35:49.063 it is time for me to fill me up. Hello. 764 00:35:49.106 --> 00:35:51.858 - [cheering] -That's right. 765 00:35:51.900 --> 00:35:54.570 Yeah! 766 00:35:54.610 --> 00:35:58.990 So, as we bid farewell to this year, let's raise a glass. 767 00:35:59.032 --> 00:36:02.286 [cheering] 768 00:36:02.327 --> 00:36:04.496 Pour out a little liquor for our homies that couldn't make it. 769 00:36:04.538 --> 00:36:05.873 No pouring out. 770 00:36:05.914 --> 00:36:09.585 Okay, well, more for me. 771 00:36:09.626 --> 00:36:11.920 So as we leave 2021 behind, 772 00:36:11.961 --> 00:36:15.465 I am going to vow to stay hydrated, hello, 773 00:36:15.507 --> 00:36:18.427 moisturized, and apparently BFFs with Jane Fonda, 774 00:36:18.467 --> 00:36:20.094 'cause she looks amazing. 775 00:36:20.137 --> 00:36:21.429 [cheering] 776 00:36:21.471 --> 00:36:22.972 I'm gonna relax. 777 00:36:23.014 --> 00:36:25.266 I'm gonna be rich and married! 778 00:36:25.309 --> 00:36:26.518 Woo! 779 00:36:26.559 --> 00:36:28.103 And I'm gonna go platinum again. 780 00:36:28.144 --> 00:36:30.606 Oh my gosh, Alessia Cara? 781 00:36:30.646 --> 00:36:33.233 Hey, Yvonne, love all this. 782 00:36:33.275 --> 00:36:34.985 Girl, we are about to do an in memoriam. 783 00:36:35.027 --> 00:36:36.360 You have to sing. 784 00:36:36.402 --> 00:36:39.739 No, I wouldn't want to... intrude. 785 00:36:39.780 --> 00:36:42.074 Mm-mm, stop it. I insist. 786 00:36:42.117 --> 00:36:43.242 No, I really, I couldn't. 787 00:36:43.284 --> 00:36:44.869 I ain't gonna beg you. 788 00:36:44.911 --> 00:36:49.166 ♪ Every night in my dreams ♪ 789 00:36:49.206 --> 00:36:53.878 ♪ I see you, I feel you ♪ 790 00:36:53.920 --> 00:37:00.635 ♪ That is how I know you go on ♪ 791 00:37:02.929 --> 00:37:07.224 ♪ Far across the distance ♪ 792 00:37:07.266 --> 00:37:11.980 ♪ And spaces between us ♪ 793 00:37:12.021 --> 00:37:18.487 ♪ You have come to show you go on ♪ 794 00:37:21.114 --> 00:37:28.746 ♪ Near, far, wherever you are ♪ 795 00:37:28.789 --> 00:37:31.083 ♪ I believe ♪ 796 00:37:31.123 --> 00:37:37.172 ♪That the heart does go on ♪ 797 00:37:38.840 --> 00:37:46.264 ♪ Once more, you open the door ♪ 798 00:37:46.306 --> 00:37:50.851 ♪ And you're here in my heart ♪ 799 00:37:50.893 --> 00:37:58.527 ♪ And my heart will go on and on ♪ 800 00:38:05.492 --> 00:38:09.621 ♪ You're here ♪ 801 00:38:09.663 --> 00:38:13.583 ♪ There's nothing I fear ♪ 802 00:38:13.625 --> 00:38:15.918 ♪ And I know ♪ 803 00:38:15.960 --> 00:38:22.009 ♪ That the heart does go on ♪ 804 00:38:23.552 --> 00:38:27.472 ♪ We'll stay ♪ 805 00:38:27.514 --> 00:38:31.559 ♪ Forever this way ♪ 806 00:38:31.601 --> 00:38:36.648 ♪ You are safe in my heart and ♪ 807 00:38:36.690 --> 00:38:39.483 ♪ My heart will ♪ 808 00:38:39.525 --> 00:38:47.367 ♪ Go on and on ♪ 809 00:38:53.123 --> 00:38:54.833 [cheering] 810 00:38:54.875 --> 00:38:57.168 You sing it. 811 00:38:57.210 --> 00:38:59.588 Have a healthy and happy new year, loves. 812 00:38:59.628 --> 00:39:01.380 See you guys in 2022. 813 00:39:09.556 --> 00:39:11.307 What a year. 814 00:39:13.268 --> 00:39:15.936 [woman shouting] 815 00:39:15.978 --> 00:39:18.148 Hello. 816 00:39:18.190 --> 00:39:20.442 It's really special to be on a set 817 00:39:20.483 --> 00:39:21.525 with all women. 818 00:39:21.568 --> 00:39:23.320 [cheering] 819 00:39:23.360 --> 00:39:24.528 - Come up. - Okay. 820 00:39:24.570 --> 00:39:25.655 And then back down. 821 00:39:25.697 --> 00:39:26.907 Yeah, be pregnant. 822 00:39:26.947 --> 00:39:28.574 There we go. 823 00:39:28.617 --> 00:39:31.077 I like candids. 824 00:39:31.119 --> 00:39:32.536 Ma'am! 825 00:39:32.579 --> 00:39:33.871 There are going to be a few reactions. 826 00:39:33.914 --> 00:39:36.083 Guys, we have one more shot before... 827 00:39:36.123 --> 00:39:38.626 Oh my gosh, Jane Fonda walks in. 828 00:39:38.668 --> 00:39:40.461 The air in the room just goes... 829 00:39:41.630 --> 00:39:43.297 This? 830 00:39:44.507 --> 00:39:45.509 Or... 831 00:39:47.260 --> 00:39:49.262 [clamoring] 832 00:39:49.304 --> 00:39:52.681 If covid don't get you, a milk crate will. Ah! 833 00:39:52.724 --> 00:39:55.309 She went full James Brown. 834 00:39:55.351 --> 00:39:57.561 [laughing] 835 00:39:57.603 --> 00:39:58.980 Do y'all want a different read? 836 00:40:01.900 --> 00:40:04.360 You're a little dark cloud that just passes... 837 00:40:04.402 --> 00:40:05.945 What'd you say? What'd you say? 838 00:40:05.987 --> 00:40:08.657 - Please don't do that. - I can't hear you. 839 00:40:08.697 --> 00:40:10.826 So we can get back to fucking! 840 00:40:10.867 --> 00:40:13.119 That sounds real good to me. 841 00:40:13.161 --> 00:40:14.621 Aparna, you be fucking? 842 00:40:14.663 --> 00:40:16.706 Oh, yeah, when I can. 843 00:40:16.748 --> 00:40:18.333 [laughing] 844 00:40:18.375 --> 00:40:20.210 And now I'm gonna sing. 845 00:40:20.251 --> 00:40:21.878 Don't play that piano. 846 00:40:21.920 --> 00:40:24.588 ♪ Divorce daddy don't ♪ 847 00:40:24.630 --> 00:40:26.882 ♪ Divorce daddy ♪ 848 00:40:26.925 --> 00:40:31.471 ♪ Don't leave ♪ 849 00:40:31.512 --> 00:40:33.597 [laughing] 850 00:40:33.639 --> 00:40:35.224 ♪ Get thee behind ♪ 851 00:40:35.266 --> 00:40:40.355 ♪ Cause what? Joy today ♪ 852 00:40:40.396 --> 00:40:41.773 See you again next year. 853 00:40:43.023 --> 00:40:44.483 All in a day's work.