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Downloaded from
YTS.MX

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[indistinct chatter]

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Official YIFY movies site:
YTS.MX

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[host] Ladies, gentlemen, and everybody,
put your hands together.

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Please welcome to the stage Ali Wong!

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-["Hold On" by En Vogue plays]
-[crowd cheering loudly]

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Hi, everybody!

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[crowd cheers]

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[woman] We love you, Ali!

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-Thank you. Thank you.
-[crowd cheers]

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You know, I'm very jealous

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and bitter

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that when a man finds

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any ounce of mainstream success in comedy,

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they get to date models,

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actresses, and pop singers.

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One of my dear friends is arguably
one of the top stand-up comics

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in the world.

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And for the past year and a half,

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she's been dating

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a magician.

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[crowd laughing]

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I was like,
"Okay, you know, no judgment, girl,

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but is he at least, like,
a good magician?"

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[crowd laughs]

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"Is he, like, the best magician

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like how you are one of
the best stand-up comedians?"

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I looked that dude up on Yelp,
he got two stars.

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[crowd laughs]

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That's what being one of the best
female stand-up comics will achieve you.

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A "ain't shit" magician.

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[crowd laughs]

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See, because when you are a woman
with money, power, and respect,

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your romantic options do not expand.

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[crowd laughs]

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They decline!

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[crowd laughs]

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Now, I am told
it's because men are threatened

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by women with money, power, and respect.

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What do you think
is going to happen to you, huh?

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You think your dick is gonna get
acquired in a hostile takeover?

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[crowd laughs]

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I bet most men in this theater

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have never, ever had your dick
sucked by a woman

45
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that makes a lot more money than you.

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And let me tell you something.

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-It is spectacular, okay?
-[crowd laughs]

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It is.

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-[crowd applauding, cheering]
-It is.

50
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Why wouldn't it be?

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If she got the skills
to earn money, power, and respect,

52
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you don't think she got
good pattern recognition?

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[crowd laughs]

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Those skills transfer.

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[crowd laughs]

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You should feel so lucky,

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so flattered,
so blessed and highly favored,

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if you ever had the opportunity
to get your dick sucked

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by a woman that makes
a lot more money than you.

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Because out of all the things

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this important woman
could be doing with her valuable time…

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[crowd laughing, applauding]

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-Yeah.
-[crowd cheers loudly]

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All of her responsibilities,

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all the interesting opportunities
and deals knocking at her door,

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but no.

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She chose to get on her knees

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and stick your
$40,000-a-year dick in her mouth…

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00:04:02,200 --> 00:04:04,285
[crowd laughs]

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00:04:08,122 --> 00:04:09,916
…in your Toyota Yaris.

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00:04:09,999 --> 00:04:12,001
[crowd laughing]

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But no. None of you,

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not a single man in here
knows what it's like

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to cum on the face of a millionaire.

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[crowd laughs]

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Sure, you've gotten head.

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But have you ejaculated
onto a great American mind?

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-Huh? Huh?
-[crowd laughs]

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Has your sperm swam
in the eyes of an icon?

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-Huh?
-[crowd laughs]

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Have you been deep-throated
by a voice of a generation?

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-I don't think so!
-[crowd laughing, applauding]

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It's highly unlikely that any man in here…

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Well, any, uh, straight man in here…

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[crowd laughs]

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…knows what it's like
to cum on the face of a millionaire.

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First of all, how many female, self-made
millionaires are there to begin with?

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And then out of that pool,

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how many of them
gonna let you cum on their face?

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There's three of us, okay?

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[crowd laughs]

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Yeah, I don't even know
who the other two are.

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You think Ellen gonna
let you cum on her face?

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You think Oprah
gonna let you go to Montecito

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and stomp on all her vegetables?

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[crowd laughing]

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I love

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to get cummed on, on the face.

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I do.

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Because it's so nasty

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and is so easy.

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It is so easy, especially when
you compare it to sucking dick,

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which is so physically taxing.
All the… [imitates gagging]

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-[crowd laughing]
-The choking, the eyes watering.

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And if you really want to keep it 100,
you got to add the pepper grinding.

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[crowd laughs]

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A lot, you know?

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[imitates gagging]

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[crowd laughing]

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Whenever I get a deep tissue massage,
the masseuse is always like,

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"Whoa! Do you sit and work
at a computer all day?"

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[crowd laughs]

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I'm like, "No, I sucked dick last night."

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"Now I can't look to the left."

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[crowd laughs]

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So in addition to all of that labor…

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[sighs] …when you suck dick,

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there is all of this performing
and pretending involved.

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You have to tell all of these lies.

120
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"Oh, this is the biggest dick

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-I've ever had in my mouth."
-[crowd laughs]

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"I love sucking your cock.
It makes my pussy so wet."

123
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"Yummy! Yummy! Yummy!
Yummy! Yummy! Yummy! Yummy!"

124
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[crowd laughs]

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-[sighs heavily]
-[crowd continues laughing]

126
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But you have to tell the lies

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to make the man cum faster.

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[crowd laughs]

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The lies will set you free!

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[crowd laughs]

131
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But then when you get cummed on
on the face,

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your only job as the woman

133
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is to make an enthusiastic expression.

134
00:08:12,158 --> 00:08:14,076
[crowd laughs]

135
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And then your other assignment

136
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is to not laugh…

137
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[crowd laughs]

138
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…while this grown-ass man
is straddling your rib cage,

139
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he looking down at you,
you looking up at him,

140
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and you see him
from this very unflattering angle

141
00:08:33,888 --> 00:08:38,100
where he got that-- that
Jabba the Hutt double chin, you know?

142
00:08:38,184 --> 00:08:39,060
[crowd laughs]

143
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Uh, he all possessed by the Holy Spirit.

144
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"Just look at me, look at me, Mommy,
watch me, pay attention, look at me!"

145
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-[grunting rapidly]
-[crowd laughing]

146
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[chuckles]

147
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[grunts rising in pitch]

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-[laughs]
-[applause]

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00:09:01,707 --> 00:09:03,125
[inhales deeply]

150
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Young men in particular,

151
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they don't like women
with money, power, and respect,

152
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because they know you can't tell
that kind of woman what to do.

153
00:09:21,269 --> 00:09:24,564
[crowd applauds, cheers]

154
00:09:25,147 --> 00:09:29,151
Young men want a woman that's chill.

155
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That's a quality in a partner
that they seek out and brag about.

156
00:09:34,323 --> 00:09:36,909
[lowers voice]
"Oh, bro, I'm dating this new chick."

157
00:09:36,993 --> 00:09:38,911
"She's so chill."

158
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"She doesn't give a fuck
about what I do 'cause she's chill."

159
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"She lets me do whatever I want
'cause she's dead inside."

160
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-"She's chill."
-[crowd laughs]

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"She's like a corpse with tits.
It's awesome. She's chill."

162
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I have never, ever wanted
to date a man that was chill.

163
00:10:02,893 --> 00:10:04,103
[crowd laughs]

164
00:10:04,186 --> 00:10:08,232
'Cause chill don't pay the bills.

165
00:10:08,316 --> 00:10:09,442
[crowd laughs]

166
00:10:09,525 --> 00:10:11,527
[crowd applauds, cheers]

167
00:10:14,071 --> 00:10:19,243
My nephew is 25 years old,
and he is dating this architect.

168
00:10:19,327 --> 00:10:24,165
My goodness, she--
she is so smart and interesting,

169
00:10:24,248 --> 00:10:27,043
successful, and charismatic,

170
00:10:27,126 --> 00:10:30,463
and we all hope
that he marries her one day.

171
00:10:30,546 --> 00:10:34,717
But he called me up earlier this week
and he was like, "You know, Auntie Ali,

172
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I think I'mma break up with her."

173
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"Yeah, because she's a boss at work,

174
00:10:39,764 --> 00:10:44,685
and so she thinks it's okay
to come home and boss me around."

175
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I was like, "Oh."

176
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[crowd laughs]

177
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"Well,

178
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that shit's gonna happen to you
no matter what."

179
00:10:56,155 --> 00:10:58,157
[crowd laughing]

180
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"Whether she a boss,
whether she employed or unemployed,

181
00:11:07,750 --> 00:11:10,127
once you get married and have kids,

182
00:11:10,211 --> 00:11:12,588
your wife gonna boss you around."

183
00:11:13,547 --> 00:11:17,802
"And you would know that
if you watched House Hunters."

184
00:11:17,885 --> 00:11:19,887
[crowd laughing]

185
00:11:21,931 --> 00:11:25,851
House Hunters is a show on HGTV

186
00:11:25,935 --> 00:11:27,895
where a couple

187
00:11:27,978 --> 00:11:31,565
pretends that there's
a decision to be made together.

188
00:11:31,649 --> 00:11:33,651
[crowd laughing]

189
00:11:36,737 --> 00:11:41,742
And they go on this fake-ass journey
looking at three different houses,

190
00:11:41,826 --> 00:11:44,870
and the audience is meant
to be left in suspense.

191
00:11:44,954 --> 00:11:48,207
"Which house are they gonna choose?"

192
00:11:50,501 --> 00:11:55,005
It's whichever one
Barbara wanted in the first place, okay?

193
00:11:55,089 --> 00:11:56,757
[crowd laughs]

194
00:11:56,841 --> 00:12:00,886
And Barbara, who lives in Boise, Idaho,

195
00:12:00,970 --> 00:12:05,349
or wherever the fuck
these HGTV shows are filmed

196
00:12:05,433 --> 00:12:08,811
where houses cost $5,000 an acre…

197
00:12:08,894 --> 00:12:10,896
[crowd laughing]

198
00:12:13,983 --> 00:12:17,945
Barbara, she don't got
money, power, or respect.

199
00:12:18,028 --> 00:12:20,364
But Barbara is a woman,

200
00:12:20,448 --> 00:12:23,993
and all women are very good

201
00:12:24,076 --> 00:12:27,288
at being extremely unpleasant…

202
00:12:27,371 --> 00:12:29,915
[crowd laughs]

203
00:12:29,999 --> 00:12:34,044
…and holding your happiness
and self-esteem hostage

204
00:12:34,128 --> 00:12:37,339
until we get
what we fucking deserve, okay?

205
00:12:37,923 --> 00:12:39,049
-Yes.
-[crowd cheering]

206
00:12:42,261 --> 00:12:45,848
That is a superpower that we evolved

207
00:12:45,931 --> 00:12:49,268
to compensate
for our lack of earning potential.

208
00:12:49,351 --> 00:12:50,853
[crowd laughs]

209
00:12:50,936 --> 00:12:54,482
You can't tell any woman what to do,

210
00:12:54,565 --> 00:12:59,111
so you might as well pick the bitch
that will give you health insurance, okay?

211
00:12:59,195 --> 00:13:00,488
[crowd laughs]

212
00:13:00,571 --> 00:13:01,614
[huffs]

213
00:13:06,869 --> 00:13:08,829
I know exactly why

214
00:13:08,913 --> 00:13:13,793
there's a disproportionate amount
of men that do stand-up.

215
00:13:14,335 --> 00:13:18,339
It's all because of fan pussy.

216
00:13:19,840 --> 00:13:21,967
We call them chuckle fuckers.

217
00:13:22,051 --> 00:13:24,053
[crowd laughing]

218
00:13:28,432 --> 00:13:33,270
These poor, naive women
who get dickmatized when they laugh.

219
00:13:33,354 --> 00:13:35,356
[crowd laughs]

220
00:13:36,148 --> 00:13:39,151
And fan pussy is so motivating

221
00:13:39,235 --> 00:13:44,490
because fan pussy is young
and sexy and exciting.

222
00:13:45,115 --> 00:13:51,205
Fan pussy is a great reward
for doing stand-up comedy.

223
00:13:51,288 --> 00:13:53,290
[crowd laughs]

224
00:13:53,833 --> 00:13:55,668
And fan dick

225
00:13:56,418 --> 00:13:57,920
is frightening.

226
00:13:58,003 --> 00:14:00,005
[crowd laughs]

227
00:14:04,677 --> 00:14:09,849
Any man watching me,
listening to what I have to say,

228
00:14:09,932 --> 00:14:13,394
and thinking to themselves,
"I want to fuck her…"

229
00:14:13,477 --> 00:14:15,729
[crowd laughs]

230
00:14:15,813 --> 00:14:18,482
…is a raging psychopath.

231
00:14:18,566 --> 00:14:20,568
[crowd laughing]

232
00:14:24,154 --> 00:14:27,449
And has extremely good taste.

233
00:14:27,533 --> 00:14:28,367
[crowd laughing]

234
00:14:31,495 --> 00:14:35,291
Fan dick is not interested
in showing me a good time.

235
00:14:35,916 --> 00:14:38,085
Fan dick wants to trim my pubes

236
00:14:38,168 --> 00:14:41,881
and sew them into wigs
for his antique doll collection.

237
00:14:41,964 --> 00:14:43,966
[crowd laughs]

238
00:14:46,427 --> 00:14:49,722
That's why I don't see
more women doing stand-up.

239
00:14:49,805 --> 00:14:52,266
There is no reward,

240
00:14:52,933 --> 00:14:55,477
only danger and punishment.

241
00:14:55,561 --> 00:14:57,563
[crowd laughs]

242
00:14:59,231 --> 00:15:03,861
Lot of my male stand-up comic friends
be hooking up with women,

243
00:15:03,944 --> 00:15:09,241
beautiful, gorgeous women,
through the DMs.

244
00:15:10,117 --> 00:15:12,369
Direct messaging.

245
00:15:12,453 --> 00:15:14,079
[crowd laughs]

246
00:15:14,788 --> 00:15:16,665
I never check my DMs.

247
00:15:16,749 --> 00:15:18,167
[crowd laughs]

248
00:15:18,250 --> 00:15:23,422
And when I do, it's only to see
if Sanrio, the owners of Hello Kitty,

249
00:15:23,505 --> 00:15:26,550
have finally contacted me
to offer sponsorship.

250
00:15:26,634 --> 00:15:28,218
-[crowd cheers, applauds]
-Yeah.

251
00:15:29,470 --> 00:15:30,554
Come on!

252
00:15:30,638 --> 00:15:34,183
I think I'd be a great fit,
and I want all of that shit.

253
00:15:34,266 --> 00:15:36,393
I want the Gudetama pajamas.

254
00:15:36,477 --> 00:15:37,561
[crowd laughs]

255
00:15:37,645 --> 00:15:41,148
I want the erasers
that smell like the gum.

256
00:15:41,231 --> 00:15:42,483
[crowd laughs]

257
00:15:42,566 --> 00:15:45,319
And I want the gum
that tastes like the erasers.

258
00:15:45,402 --> 00:15:47,404
-I want all of that shit.
-[crowd laughs]

259
00:15:51,951 --> 00:15:53,035
But no.

260
00:15:53,118 --> 00:15:58,332
My DMs are full of these
Silence of the Lambs motherfuckers.

261
00:15:58,415 --> 00:16:00,668
[crowd laughs]

262
00:16:00,751 --> 00:16:05,005
It's these dudes
who always have zero followers.

263
00:16:05,089 --> 00:16:08,258
Do you know anybody
who doesn't know anybody?

264
00:16:08,342 --> 00:16:10,344
[crowd laughs]

265
00:16:13,013 --> 00:16:16,892
They don't even offer
to take me out to dinner

266
00:16:16,976 --> 00:16:18,602
or lick my pussy.

267
00:16:19,144 --> 00:16:23,983
They just threaten to decapitate me
if I don't let them smell my feet.

268
00:16:24,066 --> 00:16:26,068
[crowd laughs]

269
00:16:26,735 --> 00:16:28,946
And it's a shame, you know?

270
00:16:29,029 --> 00:16:33,158
It's very disturbing,
this disparity in quality

271
00:16:33,242 --> 00:16:36,412
between fan pussy and fan dick.

272
00:16:36,495 --> 00:16:38,497
It is so upsetting

273
00:16:38,580 --> 00:16:40,499
to a person like me.

274
00:16:41,834 --> 00:16:43,043
Because I think

275
00:16:44,503 --> 00:16:47,006
about cheating on my husband…

276
00:16:47,089 --> 00:16:49,091
[crowd laughs]

277
00:16:50,092 --> 00:16:52,136
-…every five minutes.
-[crowd laughs]

278
00:16:56,265 --> 00:16:58,308
I haven't done it yet.

279
00:16:59,727 --> 00:17:01,895
Not because I'm a good person,

280
00:17:02,813 --> 00:17:07,276
only because no worthy opportunity
has presented itself.

281
00:17:07,359 --> 00:17:09,486
[crowd laughs]

282
00:17:10,154 --> 00:17:12,114
My mom doesn't understand,

283
00:17:12,197 --> 00:17:14,992
she can't relate to these feelings

284
00:17:15,075 --> 00:17:18,162
of wanting to fool around
outside of your marriage,

285
00:17:18,245 --> 00:17:22,791
because she's an immigrant woman
who was born in 1940.

286
00:17:22,875 --> 00:17:26,003
Her world is a lot smaller than mine.

287
00:17:26,086 --> 00:17:30,716
The only men my mother has ever had
an actual conversation with

288
00:17:30,799 --> 00:17:33,510
are my brother and my dad. That's it.

289
00:17:33,594 --> 00:17:34,762
[crowd laughs]

290
00:17:34,845 --> 00:17:36,513
I, on the other hand,

291
00:17:36,597 --> 00:17:40,309
have met the entire cast of The Avengers.

292
00:17:40,392 --> 00:17:41,477
[crowd laughs]

293
00:17:41,560 --> 00:17:43,562
[crowd cheering, applauding]

294
00:17:48,734 --> 00:17:52,863
And I want all of them to cum on my face.

295
00:17:52,946 --> 00:17:54,948
[crowd cheering, applauding]

296
00:18:01,663 --> 00:18:02,831
Yep.

297
00:18:02,915 --> 00:18:05,626
-[chuckles]
-[crowd laughing, whooping]

298
00:18:08,504 --> 00:18:11,131
I think I'm going
through a mid-life crisis. [laughs]

299
00:18:11,215 --> 00:18:12,508
[crowd laughs]

300
00:18:15,719 --> 00:18:19,223
Having two C-sections
and being the breadwinner of my family

301
00:18:19,306 --> 00:18:21,725
has turned me into a 50-year-old man.

302
00:18:21,809 --> 00:18:23,811
[crowd laughs]

303
00:18:25,270 --> 00:18:28,065
I had a colonoscopy a couple years ago.

304
00:18:28,148 --> 00:18:30,943
That is some
50-year-old man shit right there.

305
00:18:31,026 --> 00:18:32,236
[crowd laughs]

306
00:18:32,319 --> 00:18:34,279
What had happened was

307
00:18:34,363 --> 00:18:40,077
I all of a sudden got extremely bloated
over a very short period of time.

308
00:18:40,160 --> 00:18:44,623
And it was so extreme to the point
where I thought I was pregnant…

309
00:18:44,706 --> 00:18:46,125
[sighs] …again.

310
00:18:46,208 --> 00:18:48,127
[crowd laughs]

311
00:18:48,210 --> 00:18:50,170
And I took a test, and it was negative.

312
00:18:50,254 --> 00:18:53,674
And then my OBGYN became very concerned

313
00:18:53,757 --> 00:18:57,010
that I was showing
symptoms of ovarian cancer,

314
00:18:57,094 --> 00:18:58,846
because it runs in my family.

315
00:18:59,805 --> 00:19:04,059
And so then she ordered a CT scan,
and the results came back.

316
00:19:04,143 --> 00:19:05,352
And she said to me,

317
00:19:06,353 --> 00:19:07,771
"Okay, Ali, um…"

318
00:19:09,398 --> 00:19:12,067
"Well, uh, you-- you know,
the good news is that, uh,

319
00:19:12,651 --> 00:19:15,154
you don't have ovarian cancer, okay?"

320
00:19:15,237 --> 00:19:16,238
"And then, um…"

321
00:19:17,865 --> 00:19:20,242
"The bad news is that, Ali,

322
00:19:21,535 --> 00:19:24,371
you are full of shit."

323
00:19:24,454 --> 00:19:26,456
[crowd laughs]

324
00:19:27,541 --> 00:19:31,128
"Stop giggling, Ali, stop it.
This is serious, okay?"

325
00:19:31,628 --> 00:19:34,298
On the report, the radiologist wrote,

326
00:19:34,381 --> 00:19:37,134
"The results are remarkable."

327
00:19:37,217 --> 00:19:39,219
[crowd laughs]

328
00:19:42,931 --> 00:19:47,394
Which, to me, seems like
the radiologist gave me an A++.

329
00:19:47,477 --> 00:19:49,062
[crowd laughs]

330
00:19:49,730 --> 00:19:51,940
But she was like, "No, that's bad."

331
00:19:52,024 --> 00:19:56,236
When the radiologist writes
"The results are remarkable,"

332
00:19:56,320 --> 00:19:58,363
what that translates to is,

333
00:19:58,447 --> 00:19:59,656
"Oh my goodness,

334
00:19:59,740 --> 00:20:03,619
I don't understand
how this tiny Vietnamese mom

335
00:20:03,702 --> 00:20:07,122
fit this football field of doo-doo
inside of her body."

336
00:20:07,206 --> 00:20:08,040
[crowd laughs]

337
00:20:08,123 --> 00:20:11,460
"I have never seen this
in my 30 years as a radiologist,

338
00:20:11,543 --> 00:20:16,173
and I cannot wait to text screenshots
of this to all my radiologist friends."

339
00:20:16,256 --> 00:20:18,217
[crowd laughs]

340
00:20:20,093 --> 00:20:21,303
[Ali chuckles]

341
00:20:22,930 --> 00:20:26,099
So then a-- a GI specialist was called in,

342
00:20:26,892 --> 00:20:30,312
and she-- I saw her look at the results,

343
00:20:30,395 --> 00:20:31,772
and she went like this.

344
00:20:33,023 --> 00:20:36,151
-[gasps]
-[crowd laughs]

345
00:20:36,235 --> 00:20:38,445
And then she turns to me and says,

346
00:20:38,528 --> 00:20:43,367
"Miss Wong, I am so sorry
that I gasped in front of your face."

347
00:20:43,450 --> 00:20:46,078
"That was so unprofessional of me."

348
00:20:46,161 --> 00:20:48,580
"I-- I know exactly who you are."

349
00:20:48,664 --> 00:20:52,000
"Please do not talk about
how I just did that on stage."

350
00:20:52,084 --> 00:20:54,086
[crowd laughing, applauding]

351
00:20:58,590 --> 00:21:00,550
"But, you know, I-- I have to admit

352
00:21:00,634 --> 00:21:04,012
that I'm-- I'm clearly alarmed
by what I see here."

353
00:21:04,096 --> 00:21:08,058
"You are backed up
well into your small intestine,

354
00:21:08,141 --> 00:21:12,312
and I'm almost certain that
there is some sort of mass,

355
00:21:12,396 --> 00:21:16,358
and most likely a tumor
that's causing all of this blockage."

356
00:21:16,858 --> 00:21:19,903
"So we're going to have
to perform a colonoscopy

357
00:21:19,987 --> 00:21:22,114
to see what's going on in there."

358
00:21:22,197 --> 00:21:25,409
I was like, "Why?
You guys just did a CT scan."

359
00:21:25,492 --> 00:21:30,122
And she was like, "Yes, it is true
that the whole point of a CT scan

360
00:21:30,205 --> 00:21:32,916
is to see inside of your body,

361
00:21:33,000 --> 00:21:38,463
but the lasers couldn't penetrate
the Great Wall of Shit that's inside you."

362
00:21:38,547 --> 00:21:39,840
[crowd laughs]

363
00:21:39,923 --> 00:21:42,843
"And they just ricocheted
and bounced back into the machine,

364
00:21:42,926 --> 00:21:44,928
and now the machine is shook, so…"

365
00:21:45,012 --> 00:21:47,055
[crowd laughs]

366
00:21:47,139 --> 00:21:49,057
"…we're going to have to stick a camera

367
00:21:50,058 --> 00:21:51,518
up your ass."

368
00:21:51,601 --> 00:21:53,270
[crowd laughs]

369
00:21:53,353 --> 00:21:54,521
And I was so nervous.

370
00:21:54,604 --> 00:21:58,525
But what I didn't know was that
right before the procedure,

371
00:21:59,234 --> 00:22:00,694
they give you propofol.

372
00:22:01,236 --> 00:22:06,074
And I have to say that
as a working mother of two…

373
00:22:06,158 --> 00:22:08,035
[crowd laughs]

374
00:22:08,118 --> 00:22:11,872
…getting to take
a drug-induced nap for an hour…

375
00:22:11,955 --> 00:22:13,749
[crowd laughs]

376
00:22:14,624 --> 00:22:17,711
…was well worth
having a news crew up my butt.

377
00:22:17,794 --> 00:22:20,130
[crowd laughs, applauds]

378
00:22:22,257 --> 00:22:25,218
It was luxurious.

379
00:22:25,302 --> 00:22:26,720
[crowd laughs]

380
00:22:26,803 --> 00:22:29,306
When I woke up from the colonoscopy,

381
00:22:29,389 --> 00:22:31,892
I was like, "I want another colonoscopy."

382
00:22:31,975 --> 00:22:34,144
[crowd laughs]

383
00:22:36,021 --> 00:22:39,399
And then it turned out that
my colon was perfectly healthy,

384
00:22:39,483 --> 00:22:44,071
and I figured out that
what caused that huge traffic jam was

385
00:22:44,154 --> 00:22:48,116
the summer before, I was shooting
this movie called Always Be My Maybe.

386
00:22:48,200 --> 00:22:51,536
-[crowd cheering]
-Oh, thank you. [chuckles]

387
00:22:54,081 --> 00:22:56,583
Yeah, it was a-- it was this big-ass deal

388
00:22:56,666 --> 00:23:00,253
because it was the first movie
I had ever co-written

389
00:23:00,337 --> 00:23:02,672
and starred in as the lead.

390
00:23:02,756 --> 00:23:06,051
And I worked on it for 12 hours a day,

391
00:23:06,134 --> 00:23:09,513
every day for six weeks straight,

392
00:23:09,596 --> 00:23:11,014
and I was so busy

393
00:23:12,599 --> 00:23:14,601
that I forgot to take a shit…

394
00:23:14,684 --> 00:23:16,520
[crowd laughs]

395
00:23:16,603 --> 00:23:18,688
…for six weeks.

396
00:23:18,772 --> 00:23:22,401
The movie shot in Vancouver
and in San Francisco,

397
00:23:22,484 --> 00:23:27,697
and I have no recollection of shitting
in Vancouver or in San Francisco.

398
00:23:27,781 --> 00:23:28,657
[crowd laughs]

399
00:23:30,450 --> 00:23:32,452
I just straight up forgot.

400
00:23:33,078 --> 00:23:37,082
Something like that
would never happen to a man.

401
00:23:37,165 --> 00:23:43,046
Men, you never forget to take a shit ever.

402
00:23:43,130 --> 00:23:45,632
-[crowd applauding]
-Ever.

403
00:23:48,635 --> 00:23:53,056
How could you, when you sit
on the toilet and have your sacred ritual

404
00:23:53,140 --> 00:23:56,351
every morning to summon the shit?

405
00:23:56,435 --> 00:23:59,938
You sit there from 8:00 a.m. to 8:30 a.m.

406
00:24:00,021 --> 00:24:03,567
You sit there
with all of your reading materials,

407
00:24:03,650 --> 00:24:07,988
your iPad battery just
burning up the sperm in your balls.

408
00:24:08,071 --> 00:24:12,242
You sit there
at the most crucial time of the day,

409
00:24:12,325 --> 00:24:16,329
when your wife and kids
need you and the bathroom the most.

410
00:24:16,413 --> 00:24:19,875
-[crowd laughing]
-You sit there to avoid reality

411
00:24:19,958 --> 00:24:23,170
and all of your responsibility in life.

412
00:24:23,753 --> 00:24:27,215
You're too scared
to ask your wife for alone time,

413
00:24:27,299 --> 00:24:30,886
so instead you just
passively-aggressively take it

414
00:24:30,969 --> 00:24:33,930
by chasing your wife and kids
out of the bathroom

415
00:24:34,014 --> 00:24:36,975
with the stank of your selfish-ass shit!

416
00:24:37,058 --> 00:24:39,394
[crowd laughing, applauding]

417
00:24:42,522 --> 00:24:44,483
Women, we don't do that, okay?

418
00:24:44,566 --> 00:24:47,569
We have too much guilt and shame

419
00:24:48,236 --> 00:24:53,992
to sit there every morning
at the same time to summon the shit.

420
00:24:54,075 --> 00:24:57,120
Instead, the shit comes to us

421
00:24:57,204 --> 00:25:01,166
at the most inconvenient time of the day.

422
00:25:01,249 --> 00:25:02,959
[crowd laughs, applauds]

423
00:25:04,127 --> 00:25:07,422
When we're in the middle of a meeting,

424
00:25:07,506 --> 00:25:13,094
or onstage taping
our third Netflix special. [chuckles]

425
00:25:13,178 --> 00:25:15,722
[crowd applauds]

426
00:25:15,805 --> 00:25:16,973
Whoo!

427
00:25:17,057 --> 00:25:19,476
[crowd cheering]

428
00:25:21,937 --> 00:25:25,023
But when you feel
that first turtle head peek out,

429
00:25:25,106 --> 00:25:27,817
you gotta squeeze your butt cheeks in,

430
00:25:27,901 --> 00:25:29,569
suck the poo-poo back up

431
00:25:29,653 --> 00:25:32,864
into your generous,
loving, self-sacrificing soul.

432
00:25:32,948 --> 00:25:34,950
[crowd laughs]

433
00:25:37,244 --> 00:25:40,372
But then at some point, you gots to go,

434
00:25:40,455 --> 00:25:42,499
and then it's an emergency.

435
00:25:42,582 --> 00:25:48,255
It's always an emergency
when a woman finally takes a shit,

436
00:25:48,338 --> 00:25:51,675
and that's why
every women's public restroom

437
00:25:51,758 --> 00:25:54,886
looks like a post-apocalyptic
zombie nightmare…

438
00:25:54,970 --> 00:25:55,804
[crowd laughing]

439
00:25:55,887 --> 00:26:00,600
…where there is blood on the walls
and pizza on the record player.

440
00:26:00,684 --> 00:26:02,143
[crowd laughing]

441
00:26:11,653 --> 00:26:16,700
My life has changed dramatically
in the past seven years.

442
00:26:17,367 --> 00:26:23,415
Seven years ago, I pressured the shit
out of my then-boyfriend to propose to me.

443
00:26:23,498 --> 00:26:25,959
Every day, I was in his ear…

444
00:26:26,042 --> 00:26:29,671
"When are you gonna
ask me to marry you, huh? Huh?"

445
00:26:29,754 --> 00:26:32,173
"I'm not gonna wait forever!"

446
00:26:32,257 --> 00:26:34,467
"Everybody wants this pussy."

447
00:26:34,551 --> 00:26:36,595
Nobody else wanted this pussy,

448
00:26:36,678 --> 00:26:39,598
-but I had to make up these fairy tales…
-[crowd laughing]

449
00:26:39,681 --> 00:26:42,642
…to add pizzazz
to the ultimatum, you know?

450
00:26:42,726 --> 00:26:44,728
[crowd laughing]

451
00:26:45,437 --> 00:26:46,938
[chuckles]

452
00:26:47,022 --> 00:26:49,858
It was crazy. My-- My wish came true.

453
00:26:49,941 --> 00:26:52,235
He proposed, we got married.

454
00:26:52,319 --> 00:26:55,238
We bought a house, had two kids.

455
00:26:55,322 --> 00:26:58,033
Fast-forward to seven years later,

456
00:26:58,116 --> 00:26:59,534
present day, I'm like,

457
00:27:00,243 --> 00:27:01,995
"I don't know why I did that."

458
00:27:02,078 --> 00:27:03,997
[crowd laughing]

459
00:27:06,625 --> 00:27:10,420
I think that what happened was,
at the time,

460
00:27:10,962 --> 00:27:16,426
my future in comedy
was looking very uncertain, you know?

461
00:27:16,509 --> 00:27:17,969
-[crowd laughs]
-[chuckles]

462
00:27:18,053 --> 00:27:19,721
I was really struggling.

463
00:27:19,804 --> 00:27:22,349
Like, I was eating
cough drops for dessert.

464
00:27:22,432 --> 00:27:24,643
-It was so sad.
-[crowd laughs]

465
00:27:25,226 --> 00:27:30,190
And I panicked. I was like, "I don't know
if I can make it in this world on my own."

466
00:27:30,273 --> 00:27:35,403
"So I better trap this dude
who graduated from Harvard Business School

467
00:27:35,487 --> 00:27:37,906
so that I don't end up homeless."

468
00:27:37,989 --> 00:27:40,200
-[crowd laughs]
-[clicks tongue]

469
00:27:40,825 --> 00:27:41,910
But now,

470
00:27:43,161 --> 00:27:45,664
I know that I can make it on my own.

471
00:27:45,747 --> 00:27:47,999
[crowd laughs, cheers]

472
00:27:48,083 --> 00:27:50,085
[crowd cheering loudly]

473
00:27:55,757 --> 00:27:58,218
So I kind of want to just be on my own.

474
00:27:58,301 --> 00:28:00,303
[crowd laughs]

475
00:28:01,471 --> 00:28:05,934
Only other married people
with kids can empathize

476
00:28:06,017 --> 00:28:11,314
with the deep envy I feel
towards you single people, okay?

477
00:28:11,398 --> 00:28:14,192
You-- You don't know how free you are.

478
00:28:14,275 --> 00:28:16,986
You can eat an edible at 2:00 p.m…

479
00:28:17,070 --> 00:28:18,655
[crowd laughs]

480
00:28:18,738 --> 00:28:24,035
…go to the aquarium
and watch the jellyfish go back and forth.

481
00:28:24,119 --> 00:28:26,204
[crowd laughs]

482
00:28:26,287 --> 00:28:31,126
You don't gotta bring a giant bag
with little Ziploc baggies of Goldfish,

483
00:28:31,209 --> 00:28:32,460
and toy cellphones.

484
00:28:32,544 --> 00:28:35,547
You can just go
with what's in your pockets.

485
00:28:35,630 --> 00:28:37,632
[crowd laughs]

486
00:28:40,385 --> 00:28:43,304
You single people,
you don't know what it's like

487
00:28:43,388 --> 00:28:45,932
to eat a cold quesadilla…

488
00:28:46,015 --> 00:28:47,016
[crowd laughs]

489
00:28:47,100 --> 00:28:49,894
…that your toddler threw on the floor…

490
00:28:49,978 --> 00:28:51,146
[crowd laughing]

491
00:28:51,229 --> 00:28:54,315
…because it's easier
to put it in your mouth

492
00:28:55,066 --> 00:28:57,444
than travel to the trash,

493
00:28:58,319 --> 00:29:01,906
while you repeat to yourself
over and over that

494
00:29:01,990 --> 00:29:04,451
child abuse is illegal!

495
00:29:04,534 --> 00:29:06,536
[crowd laughs]

496
00:29:12,625 --> 00:29:17,422
You single people, if you're
romantically involved with somebody,

497
00:29:17,505 --> 00:29:18,882
and then all of a sudden,

498
00:29:18,965 --> 00:29:23,845
that somebody reveals
a personality trait that you don't like…

499
00:29:23,928 --> 00:29:25,221
[gasps]

500
00:29:25,305 --> 00:29:27,432
…you could just leave.

501
00:29:27,515 --> 00:29:29,851
[crowd laughs]

502
00:29:29,934 --> 00:29:35,857
Move to another city
and never see their stupid face again.

503
00:29:35,940 --> 00:29:37,567
[crowd laughs]

504
00:29:37,650 --> 00:29:39,986
Because you didn't make a promise

505
00:29:40,069 --> 00:29:44,240
in front of your grandma
and all your coworkers

506
00:29:44,324 --> 00:29:47,619
and ask your friends
to buy you an Instant Pot.

507
00:29:47,702 --> 00:29:49,746
[crowd laughs]

508
00:29:49,829 --> 00:29:56,795
You didn't fuse your DNA to create
human life that will forever ask you,

509
00:29:56,878 --> 00:30:00,131
-[in shrill voice] "Where's Daddy?"
-[crowd laughing]

510
00:30:05,428 --> 00:30:10,433
You single people,
you don't have to go on a playdate,

511
00:30:10,517 --> 00:30:16,731
which is basically a blind date
that your toddler sets you up on…

512
00:30:16,815 --> 00:30:18,441
[crowd laughs]

513
00:30:19,025 --> 00:30:22,904
…with some bitch
you have zero chemistry with.

514
00:30:22,987 --> 00:30:24,989
[crowd laughs]

515
00:30:29,452 --> 00:30:34,332
You single people, you don't have
to be nice to your mother

516
00:30:34,415 --> 00:30:38,253
because you need her for babysitting.

517
00:30:38,336 --> 00:30:40,338
[crowd laughing, applauding]

518
00:30:43,591 --> 00:30:46,344
You don't have to smile

519
00:30:46,427 --> 00:30:50,682
and listen to all of this
unsolicited parenting advice

520
00:30:50,765 --> 00:30:54,185
from this woman
who neglected the shit out of you…

521
00:30:54,269 --> 00:30:56,771
[crowd laughs]

522
00:30:56,855 --> 00:31:03,278
…because you want time to yourself
to binge Bridgerton to feel alive again.

523
00:31:03,361 --> 00:31:06,781
[crowd laughs, applauds]

524
00:31:09,367 --> 00:31:13,955
Like you single people,
I, too, was once free, okay?

525
00:31:14,038 --> 00:31:15,456
[crowd laughs]

526
00:31:15,540 --> 00:31:20,545
And then like an idiot, I asked this dude
to ask me to go to prison.

527
00:31:20,628 --> 00:31:22,630
[crowd laughing]

528
00:31:26,634 --> 00:31:30,638
And now I'm in monogamy jail,
and I don't know how to get out.

529
00:31:30,722 --> 00:31:32,599
[crowd laughs]

530
00:31:32,682 --> 00:31:38,479
Monogamy made sense
when we lived until we were 40 years old.

531
00:31:38,563 --> 00:31:39,606
[crowd laughs]

532
00:31:39,689 --> 00:31:41,649
Yeah, I'm 39 right now,

533
00:31:41,733 --> 00:31:45,486
so if you told me that
I had to do this shit for another year,

534
00:31:45,570 --> 00:31:47,864
I'd be like, "Yeah, I could do that."

535
00:31:48,990 --> 00:31:52,327
"I can rub it out to Aquaman
for another year, it's fine."

536
00:31:52,410 --> 00:31:54,287
-[crowd laughing]
-"It's no big deal."

537
00:32:03,379 --> 00:32:08,426
But as an Asian woman,
I'm gonna live until I'm 95 years old.

538
00:32:08,509 --> 00:32:12,847
[crowd laughs, applauds]

539
00:32:12,931 --> 00:32:15,433
That's not even a joke, okay?

540
00:32:15,516 --> 00:32:17,852
That is statistically probable.

541
00:32:17,936 --> 00:32:19,479
[crowd laughs]

542
00:32:19,562 --> 00:32:22,148
My husband and I are the same age.

543
00:32:22,231 --> 00:32:25,234
He'll most likely die when he's 85.

544
00:32:25,318 --> 00:32:28,071
So between 85 and 95 is

545
00:32:28,154 --> 00:32:31,574
when I'm morally allowed
to fuck other people again.

546
00:32:31,658 --> 00:32:33,159
It's too late. It's too late!

547
00:32:33,743 --> 00:32:36,996
'Cause at the age of 75
is when Asian women

548
00:32:37,080 --> 00:32:39,248
finally turn into an owl.

549
00:32:39,332 --> 00:32:41,334
[crowd laughing]

550
00:32:45,171 --> 00:32:46,881
You know what I'm talking about.

551
00:32:46,965 --> 00:32:49,676
Their tattooed eyebrows
turn green and shit.

552
00:32:49,759 --> 00:32:51,302
[crowd laughs]

553
00:32:51,386 --> 00:32:55,473
They go bald, and then the few strands
that are left, they perm the shit out of

554
00:32:55,556 --> 00:32:57,809
to make it more Jhirmack "bounce back."

555
00:32:57,892 --> 00:32:59,268
[crowd laughing]

556
00:32:59,352 --> 00:33:02,522
And then they become
obsessed with dried jujubes

557
00:33:02,605 --> 00:33:06,317
and just walk around
in down jackets all day like this.

558
00:33:07,318 --> 00:33:09,320
[crowd laughing, applauding]

559
00:33:23,876 --> 00:33:26,921
I want to fuck other people now…

560
00:33:27,005 --> 00:33:28,965
[crowd laughs]

561
00:33:29,048 --> 00:33:33,678
…before I metamorphosize
into a nut sack with a visor.

562
00:33:33,761 --> 00:33:35,763
[laughing]

563
00:33:43,146 --> 00:33:44,772
You want to cheat with me?

564
00:33:44,856 --> 00:33:46,858
You want to fuck around with me?

565
00:33:46,941 --> 00:33:50,111
You better give me
two weeks' notice, okay?

566
00:33:50,820 --> 00:33:54,115
'Cause you gotta
give me time to go shopping

567
00:33:54,198 --> 00:33:55,950
for new underwear.

568
00:33:56,034 --> 00:33:58,244
[crowd laughs]

569
00:33:58,327 --> 00:34:01,998
I've been with the same dude
for the last ten years.

570
00:34:02,081 --> 00:34:06,794
So all my underwear looks like
it's been snacked on by rats.

571
00:34:06,878 --> 00:34:09,130
[crowd laughs]

572
00:34:11,340 --> 00:34:12,467
[Ali chuckles]

573
00:34:15,845 --> 00:34:18,723
Just looks like wardrobe
from Les Miserables, okay?

574
00:34:18,806 --> 00:34:21,976
-Like a tattered sail of a pirate ship.
-[crowd laughing]

575
00:34:24,562 --> 00:34:26,856
The elastic? Gone. Gone!

576
00:34:26,939 --> 00:34:31,235
So the crotch area hangs
about five inches below my actual pussy,

577
00:34:31,319 --> 00:34:33,863
like an Indiana Jones suspension bridge,

578
00:34:33,946 --> 00:34:37,116
-like a hammock in the Blue Bayou, okay?
-[crowd laughing]

579
00:34:38,367 --> 00:34:39,410
[chuckles]

580
00:34:39,494 --> 00:34:41,954
You want to fuck around with me?
Let me know,

581
00:34:42,538 --> 00:34:47,668
so I got time to go to Target and get that
sweet five-for-20 Xhilaration panty deal.

582
00:34:47,752 --> 00:34:49,754
[crowd laughing, applauding]

583
00:34:52,423 --> 00:34:56,928
-Merona, whatever's on sale.
-[women laughing]

584
00:35:03,351 --> 00:35:05,144
In our society,

585
00:35:05,228 --> 00:35:08,981
there is no word for a male mistress.

586
00:35:09,065 --> 00:35:09,899
[quietly] Yeah.

587
00:35:09,982 --> 00:35:15,446
That's how taboo it is for women
to cheat on their husbands.

588
00:35:15,530 --> 00:35:19,075
The only word I've ever heard is sancho,

589
00:35:20,243 --> 00:35:23,579
yes, because Mexican women
cheat on their husbands,

590
00:35:24,497 --> 00:35:28,084
because their culture is mucho más mejor.

591
00:35:28,167 --> 00:35:30,336
Es la verdad, okay? It is.

592
00:35:30,419 --> 00:35:31,546
[crowd laughs]

593
00:35:31,629 --> 00:35:37,635
I've been saying this about Mexican people
and Mexican culture for a long time.

594
00:35:37,718 --> 00:35:39,262
I'm like the Little Mermaid.

595
00:35:39,345 --> 00:35:42,265
I want to be part of your Telemundo, okay?

596
00:35:42,348 --> 00:35:43,182
[crowd laughing]

597
00:35:43,266 --> 00:35:47,270
Yes. Sí se puede, con permiso,
let me in. Come on.

598
00:35:47,895 --> 00:35:50,898
I like Fabuloso, okay?

599
00:35:50,982 --> 00:35:54,152
I like storing
my pots and pans in the oven.

600
00:35:54,235 --> 00:35:55,653
-Yeah.
-[woman cheers]

601
00:35:55,736 --> 00:35:58,489
I like squeezing lime juice on everything.

602
00:35:59,031 --> 00:36:01,742
-I like hickeys. I love hickeys.
-[crowd laughing]

603
00:36:06,956 --> 00:36:11,127
Generally, our society is very unforgiving

604
00:36:11,210 --> 00:36:14,130
of women who cheat on their husbands,

605
00:36:14,213 --> 00:36:20,511
and at the same time, it's so forgiving
of men who cheat on their wives.

606
00:36:21,012 --> 00:36:27,435
Somehow money, power, and respect
will earn a man the right to cheat.

607
00:36:27,518 --> 00:36:30,521
People will come to his defense and say,

608
00:36:30,605 --> 00:36:36,777
"Oh, how could he be expected
to resist all of that fan pussy?"

609
00:36:37,278 --> 00:36:40,698
"He is so awesome, he deserves to cheat."

610
00:36:41,782 --> 00:36:47,830
For women, no matter how much
money, power, or respect you earn,

611
00:36:47,914 --> 00:36:53,169
you are never allowed
to behave badly and get away with it.

612
00:36:54,837 --> 00:36:57,548
But that's all I want to do.

613
00:36:57,632 --> 00:36:59,091
[crowd laughs]

614
00:36:59,175 --> 00:37:02,845
-I want to have it all.
-[crowd laughs]

615
00:37:02,929 --> 00:37:07,141
I want to have a family, a career,

616
00:37:07,225 --> 00:37:09,227
and a side piece.

617
00:37:09,310 --> 00:37:10,436
[crowd laughs]

618
00:37:10,519 --> 00:37:12,521
[crowd cheering, applauding]

619
00:37:15,983 --> 00:37:19,820
The greatest trick
women ever played on ourselves

620
00:37:19,904 --> 00:37:21,572
was making us believe

621
00:37:21,656 --> 00:37:27,286
that having it all was limited
to having a family and a career.

622
00:37:27,370 --> 00:37:29,038
I got both of those things.

623
00:37:29,121 --> 00:37:31,123
Newsflash, it's not enough.

624
00:37:31,207 --> 00:37:32,458
[crowd laughing]

625
00:37:32,541 --> 00:37:34,543
Necesito más.

626
00:37:36,879 --> 00:37:39,048
I don't just want equal pay,

627
00:37:39,131 --> 00:37:41,425
I want equal pleasure.

628
00:37:42,760 --> 00:37:45,096
But it would be very threatening

629
00:37:45,179 --> 00:37:49,600
if all women wanted
and felt like they deserved that,

630
00:37:49,684 --> 00:37:53,354
because then a bunch of women
wouldn't be available

631
00:37:53,437 --> 00:37:58,526
to helping their husbands
make their lives as easy as possible.

632
00:37:59,110 --> 00:38:03,447
Do you know how much more
successful I would be if I had a wife?

633
00:38:03,531 --> 00:38:04,657
[crowd laughs]

634
00:38:04,740 --> 00:38:06,450
[crowd cheering, applauding]

635
00:38:13,124 --> 00:38:16,627
Some loving, devoted woman by my side

636
00:38:16,711 --> 00:38:20,131
who bought a bunch of fruit
besides bananas?

637
00:38:20,214 --> 00:38:21,966
[crowd laughs]

638
00:38:22,049 --> 00:38:25,052
And put the duvet cover on the duvet?

639
00:38:25,136 --> 00:38:27,138
[crowd laughs]

640
00:38:29,348 --> 00:38:31,851
People don't like it
when women cheat, you know,

641
00:38:31,934 --> 00:38:35,604
and they'll really turn on you
because they feel betrayed,

642
00:38:35,688 --> 00:38:38,107
especially if you're a mom.

643
00:38:38,190 --> 00:38:42,528
It's too contrary
to your wholesome, loving image.

644
00:38:43,237 --> 00:38:47,616
And that's why
I'm trying to let all of you know now…

645
00:38:47,700 --> 00:38:49,702
[crowd laughs]

646
00:38:51,037 --> 00:38:54,290
…that I'm a real piece of shit, okay?

647
00:38:54,373 --> 00:38:56,959
[crowd laughs]

648
00:38:57,043 --> 00:39:01,756
I want you to really listen to me
and understand this and believe me,

649
00:39:02,256 --> 00:39:05,343
so that you're not shocked or surprised,

650
00:39:05,426 --> 00:39:07,803
so that you don't abandon me

651
00:39:07,887 --> 00:39:14,352
when you see the TMZ video of my face
getting fire-hosed by Michael B. Jordan…

652
00:39:14,435 --> 00:39:16,437
[crowd cheering, applauding]

653
00:39:24,737 --> 00:39:28,449
-…while I chant, "Wakanda forever!"
-[crowd laughing, applauding]

654
00:39:29,200 --> 00:39:30,451
[grunts]

655
00:39:30,534 --> 00:39:32,536
[applause and cheers continue]

656
00:39:43,381 --> 00:39:48,052
I think another reason why
a lot of women are hesitant to cheat

657
00:39:48,135 --> 00:39:51,472
is because it's too high stakes

658
00:39:51,555 --> 00:39:55,559
to put your family, your reputation,

659
00:39:55,643 --> 00:39:58,270
your life as you know it on the line,

660
00:39:58,354 --> 00:40:02,066
all for the probability
that you most likely

661
00:40:02,149 --> 00:40:04,902
will not have an orgasm.

662
00:40:04,985 --> 00:40:06,987
[crowd laughs]

663
00:40:09,573 --> 00:40:14,870
Very difficult to make a woman,
especially a new woman, cum.

664
00:40:14,954 --> 00:40:16,872
It's so annoying.

665
00:40:16,956 --> 00:40:18,749
It's a design flaw.

666
00:40:18,833 --> 00:40:20,793
There's too many factors.

667
00:40:20,876 --> 00:40:24,171
There's too much shit that has to align.

668
00:40:24,255 --> 00:40:25,673
The lighting,

669
00:40:25,756 --> 00:40:27,967
-the temperature…
-[crowd laughs]

670
00:40:28,050 --> 00:40:29,677
…the news.

671
00:40:29,760 --> 00:40:35,266
You can't be all up in your head about
the global supply chain being backed up.

672
00:40:35,349 --> 00:40:40,396
I don't deserve to cum
when the Dow Jones is down 500 points

673
00:40:40,479 --> 00:40:43,441
and I still don't understand
what cryptocurrency is.

674
00:40:43,524 --> 00:40:46,360
-Who can cum in times like these?
-[crowd laughing]

675
00:40:50,823 --> 00:40:55,786
So in order for a woman to cum,
all this shit has to align, right?

676
00:40:55,870 --> 00:41:00,958
And then on top of that,
the dude got to have skills.

677
00:41:01,625 --> 00:41:05,296
He gotta have great timing.

678
00:41:06,255 --> 00:41:12,761
He gotta know how to come in
real slow and soft

679
00:41:12,845 --> 00:41:16,348
and romantic and tenderoni
in the beginning…

680
00:41:16,432 --> 00:41:18,434
[crowd chuckling]

681
00:41:20,853 --> 00:41:23,939
-…and then get real rapey by the end.
-[crowd laughing loudly]

682
00:41:24,023 --> 00:41:25,900
-[woman cheers]
-[laughter continues]

683
00:41:33,949 --> 00:41:36,911
In, like, a consensual way, of course.

684
00:41:36,994 --> 00:41:38,996
[crowd laughs]

685
00:41:40,456 --> 00:41:43,792
But a lot of dudes,
they fuck that timing up, right?

686
00:41:43,876 --> 00:41:46,212
They come out the gates guns blazing,

687
00:41:46,295 --> 00:41:48,422
like Braveheart
coming over the hill, just…

688
00:41:48,506 --> 00:41:49,882
[yelling]

689
00:41:49,965 --> 00:41:51,258
"Mortal Kombat!"

690
00:41:51,342 --> 00:41:54,178
And you're like,
"Okay, I'm bleeding and, um…"

691
00:41:54,261 --> 00:41:56,263
[crowd laughing]

692
00:41:57,056 --> 00:41:59,266
"…think you rubbed my clit off
onto the floor,

693
00:41:59,350 --> 00:42:01,727
and now it's lost with the dust bunnies."

694
00:42:01,810 --> 00:42:02,895
[crowd chuckling]

695
00:42:03,854 --> 00:42:04,939
[sighs]

696
00:42:08,234 --> 00:42:11,987
[clicks tongue] And then some dudes,
they do the opposite, right?

697
00:42:12,071 --> 00:42:16,992
They maintain this whole, like,
candlelit, walk-on-the-beach energy…

698
00:42:17,076 --> 00:42:20,663
♪ Close your eyes
Make a wish ♪

699
00:42:20,746 --> 00:42:23,791
…throughout the entire course of the sex,

700
00:42:23,874 --> 00:42:26,961
and it's like,
"Nah, dude. In the last 30 seconds,

701
00:42:27,044 --> 00:42:29,755
I need you to put me in a headlock

702
00:42:29,838 --> 00:42:32,174
and say racist shit to me. Okay?"

703
00:42:32,258 --> 00:42:33,968
-[crowd laughing]
-"Yeah."

704
00:42:34,051 --> 00:42:37,221
"Yeah, I want my eyebrows
to fly off my face,

705
00:42:38,097 --> 00:42:42,977
and I want you to degrade me until
I go deaf and mute at the same time."

706
00:42:43,060 --> 00:42:45,062
-[crowd laughs]
-[mouthing] Oh, my God.

707
00:42:46,605 --> 00:42:48,607
"You gotta shape-shift, bro."

708
00:42:48,691 --> 00:42:50,693
[crowd laughs]

709
00:42:51,277 --> 00:42:53,737
Nothing more satisfying to a woman

710
00:42:53,821 --> 00:42:58,450
then when a man goes through
a sudden and extreme transformation

711
00:42:58,534 --> 00:43:01,370
that she is responsible for.

712
00:43:01,453 --> 00:43:02,371
[crowd laughs]

713
00:43:06,375 --> 00:43:07,585
But you know,

714
00:43:08,711 --> 00:43:12,965
it'd be such a shame
to go through all that trouble of cheating

715
00:43:13,924 --> 00:43:17,386
to end up having to fake an orgasm.

716
00:43:17,469 --> 00:43:18,846
[crowd laughs]

717
00:43:18,929 --> 00:43:24,935
In fact, I don't think any of us women
should be faking orgasms anymore.

718
00:43:25,561 --> 00:43:29,398
-Yeah. No more faking orgasms.
-[crowd cheering, applauding]

719
00:43:33,527 --> 00:43:37,489
I mean, you really think about it,
that is some nutty-ass shit

720
00:43:38,282 --> 00:43:39,742
that we women do.

721
00:43:39,825 --> 00:43:41,869
That's a skill that you taught yourself.

722
00:43:41,952 --> 00:43:44,538
That wasn't passed down to you
from your mother.

723
00:43:44,622 --> 00:43:47,708
You taught yourself
to do that shit out of survival.

724
00:43:47,791 --> 00:43:49,460
[crowd laughs]

725
00:43:49,543 --> 00:43:54,340
And it is wildly indicative
of how terrified we women are

726
00:43:54,423 --> 00:43:56,717
of offending a man,

727
00:43:56,800 --> 00:44:01,305
that we would rather
fake an orgasm than simply say…

728
00:44:05,809 --> 00:44:07,436
"Hey, I just want to go home."

729
00:44:07,519 --> 00:44:09,521
[crowd laughs]

730
00:44:17,696 --> 00:44:20,157
-"This is so not awesome."
-[crowd laughs]

731
00:44:20,240 --> 00:44:24,328
"And I feel like I've really tried
to tell you where to put it,

732
00:44:24,411 --> 00:44:27,498
where not to put it, how fast, how slow,

733
00:44:27,581 --> 00:44:30,542
and… you straight up just don't listen,

734
00:44:30,626 --> 00:44:32,211
-you know, so…"
-[crowd laughs]

735
00:44:35,464 --> 00:44:39,968
"I'd really like to just go back
to my house and fold clothes."

736
00:44:40,052 --> 00:44:42,054
[crowd laughs]

737
00:44:47,434 --> 00:44:50,604
Men are so much more
incentivized to cheat because

738
00:44:50,688 --> 00:44:53,107
you're going to cum no matter what.

739
00:44:53,190 --> 00:44:56,318
It's so easy for a man to cum.

740
00:44:56,402 --> 00:44:59,029
All you need is a wet hole.

741
00:44:59,113 --> 00:45:01,156
-You don't even need that!
-[crowd laughs]

742
00:45:01,240 --> 00:45:04,827
Men love to jerk off
in front of women all the time.

743
00:45:04,910 --> 00:45:08,038
I've seen, like, 70 men
jack off in my lifetime.

744
00:45:08,122 --> 00:45:08,997
[crowd laughs]

745
00:45:09,081 --> 00:45:12,042
Men love to show you
their masturbation practice.

746
00:45:12,126 --> 00:45:13,377
[crowd laughs]

747
00:45:13,460 --> 00:45:14,962
But for me, you know,

748
00:45:15,045 --> 00:45:20,592
if a man is not performing
at the caliber I need him to perform at,

749
00:45:20,676 --> 00:45:24,221
I'm not all of a sudden
going to leap onto his neck

750
00:45:24,304 --> 00:45:27,558
and start fingering myself
over his face, you know?

751
00:45:27,641 --> 00:45:28,475
[crowd laughs]

752
00:45:28,559 --> 00:45:31,520
Like, "Oh! Oh, you have
erectile dysfunction?"

753
00:45:31,603 --> 00:45:33,021
"No problem. I got it."

754
00:45:33,105 --> 00:45:36,442
"Just-- Let me just--
Let me just dangle my pubes,

755
00:45:36,525 --> 00:45:40,195
my long-ass pandemic pubes
over your forehead

756
00:45:40,279 --> 00:45:42,823
and squirt into your nose hole.
You don't like it?"

757
00:45:42,906 --> 00:45:47,703
"Who cares? Who's gonna believe you,
you young, powerless boy?"

758
00:45:47,786 --> 00:45:49,455
[grunting rapidly]

759
00:45:49,538 --> 00:45:50,581
[crowd laughs]

760
00:45:50,664 --> 00:45:53,625
I'd be like, "What the fuck am I doing?"

761
00:45:53,709 --> 00:45:55,711
[laughing]

762
00:45:58,714 --> 00:45:59,798
[chuckles]

763
00:45:59,882 --> 00:46:01,884
[crowd continues laughing]

764
00:46:07,723 --> 00:46:12,728
So if you haven't seen the movie,
it's a romantic comedy…

765
00:46:12,811 --> 00:46:14,730
[crowd laughs]

766
00:46:14,813 --> 00:46:21,403
…where I play a celebrity chef who falls
back in love with her childhood friend.

767
00:46:21,487 --> 00:46:23,155
And in the movie,

768
00:46:23,238 --> 00:46:28,744
my character hooks up
with three different, very good-looking,

769
00:46:28,827 --> 00:46:30,329
very iconic,

770
00:46:30,412 --> 00:46:33,373
very sexy Asian American men.

771
00:46:33,457 --> 00:46:36,668
I know, it's like,
who wrote this thing, right? Like…

772
00:46:36,752 --> 00:46:38,337
[crowd laughs]

773
00:46:38,420 --> 00:46:40,297
Whose idea was this?

774
00:46:40,380 --> 00:46:42,382
[crowd laughing]

775
00:46:43,759 --> 00:46:47,971
And while shooting,
all of my girlfriends kept on asking me,

776
00:46:48,055 --> 00:46:49,973
"Okay, Ali, uh, on the DL,

777
00:46:51,016 --> 00:46:54,186
you gonna hook up
with one of your costars?"

778
00:46:54,269 --> 00:46:56,104
[crowd chuckles]

779
00:46:56,188 --> 00:46:59,858
You know, I came this close

780
00:47:01,026 --> 00:47:03,487
to fucking the food consultant.

781
00:47:03,570 --> 00:47:05,572
[crowd laughing]

782
00:47:08,742 --> 00:47:15,040
It was this 29-year-old Persian dude
who had tattoos all over his arms

783
00:47:15,123 --> 00:47:18,126
and his chest,
and when the wind blew, oh my God,

784
00:47:18,210 --> 00:47:20,170
he was so ripped,
you could see everything.

785
00:47:20,254 --> 00:47:22,548
You could see the King's Hawaiian…

786
00:47:22,631 --> 00:47:25,342
-[crowd laughing]
-…you could see the cum gutters

787
00:47:25,425 --> 00:47:28,136
pointing you
straight to the kingdom of heaven.

788
00:47:28,220 --> 00:47:30,097
You could see it all, you know?

789
00:47:30,180 --> 00:47:32,724
-[laughter continues]
-[exhales]

790
00:47:35,018 --> 00:47:37,938
And we spent one Sunday morning

791
00:47:38,021 --> 00:47:41,108
butchering 18 raw chickens.

792
00:47:42,776 --> 00:47:46,947
That shit was like
the "Unchained Melody" scene from Ghost…

793
00:47:47,030 --> 00:47:49,032
[crowd laughs]

794
00:47:49,950 --> 00:47:51,869
…but with salmonella.

795
00:47:51,952 --> 00:47:54,329
[crowd laughs]

796
00:47:54,413 --> 00:47:57,249
He had his arms wrapped around me,

797
00:47:57,332 --> 00:47:59,084
and I almost sliced my hand off,

798
00:47:59,167 --> 00:48:05,966
because I could feel his 29-year old dick
getting hard up against my spine.

799
00:48:06,800 --> 00:48:07,926
Yeah.

800
00:48:08,010 --> 00:48:12,014
See, the pussy can fake a orgasm,
but the dick don't lie.

801
00:48:12,097 --> 00:48:15,309
-[crowd laughing]
-I felt that biology and that truth

802
00:48:15,392 --> 00:48:17,561
right up against my back.

803
00:48:18,645 --> 00:48:21,815
I did not feel violated.

804
00:48:21,899 --> 00:48:23,442
[crowd laughs]

805
00:48:23,525 --> 00:48:26,987
I felt victorious.

806
00:48:27,070 --> 00:48:29,239
[crowd applauding, cheering]

807
00:48:29,323 --> 00:48:30,365
I did.

808
00:48:34,620 --> 00:48:38,332
As, like, a 39-year-old woman
with two C-section scars,

809
00:48:38,415 --> 00:48:40,876
I was like, "Oh my God, I am so powerful."

810
00:48:40,959 --> 00:48:43,629
"I changed density, motherfucker, what!"

811
00:48:43,712 --> 00:48:45,505
[crowd laughs]

812
00:48:45,589 --> 00:48:48,884
"I am a wizard!
I'm a blood bender! I could be in Avatar."

813
00:48:48,967 --> 00:48:53,639
"Let's go, Appa. Let's go
find Zuko and make out! Let's go!"

814
00:48:53,722 --> 00:48:55,724
[crowd laughs]

815
00:48:59,478 --> 00:49:02,147
And I went back
to my hotel that afternoon,

816
00:49:02,230 --> 00:49:03,857
and I pulled down my pants,

817
00:49:04,816 --> 00:49:06,360
and my underwear…

818
00:49:08,528 --> 00:49:11,281
looked like the bottom of a bird cage.

819
00:49:11,365 --> 00:49:13,367
[crowd laughing]

820
00:49:30,342 --> 00:49:34,096
It's a mystery to me why Hello Kitty

821
00:49:34,179 --> 00:49:37,182
-hasn't contacted me yet, you know?
-[crowd applauds loudly]

822
00:49:39,643 --> 00:49:40,644
It's like,

823
00:49:40,727 --> 00:49:42,729
"Come on, what's up?"

824
00:49:47,025 --> 00:49:50,404
When I saw that in my underwear,
when I saw those loogies,

825
00:49:50,487 --> 00:49:54,992
I was like, "Oh my God, I still got it!
I still got it! I still got it!"

826
00:49:55,617 --> 00:50:00,580
There is still supply,
given that there is fresh demand, okay?

827
00:50:00,664 --> 00:50:03,000
[crowd laughs]

828
00:50:03,083 --> 00:50:07,254
If you don't understand
the supply and demand metaphor,

829
00:50:07,337 --> 00:50:08,714
what I'm trying to tell you

830
00:50:08,797 --> 00:50:11,633
is that my body
still produces pussy juice, people.

831
00:50:11,717 --> 00:50:14,094
Okay? And it was good pussy juice too.

832
00:50:14,177 --> 00:50:17,347
-It was sparkly and glistening.
-[crowd laughs]

833
00:50:17,431 --> 00:50:19,850
Viscous but not too pasty.

834
00:50:19,933 --> 00:50:22,394
Pungent but not too dank, it was… Mwah!

835
00:50:22,477 --> 00:50:23,854
-[crowd laughs]
-It was.

836
00:50:23,937 --> 00:50:26,273
[crowd cheering, applauding]

837
00:50:26,356 --> 00:50:28,191
I took a little fun dip in there,

838
00:50:28,275 --> 00:50:31,361
uh, that shit tasted
like LaCroix Pamplemousse.

839
00:50:31,445 --> 00:50:32,904
[cheers continue]

840
00:50:32,988 --> 00:50:34,114
It was quality.

841
00:50:34,197 --> 00:50:38,076
It could've sealed up all the holes
in my underwear like Gorilla Glue, it was…

842
00:50:38,160 --> 00:50:40,162
[crowd laughing]

843
00:50:49,713 --> 00:50:55,302
You know, as-- as much as
I would love to cheat on my husband…

844
00:50:55,385 --> 00:50:56,762
[smacks lips]

845
00:50:56,845 --> 00:50:59,097
…I cannot afford to get a divorce.

846
00:50:59,181 --> 00:51:00,265
[crowd laughs]

847
00:51:00,348 --> 00:51:01,892
I can't, you know?

848
00:51:01,975 --> 00:51:08,148
Uh, the reality is, I need my husband
way more than he needs me.

849
00:51:08,231 --> 00:51:11,902
It is ten times harder
to find a decent husband

850
00:51:11,985 --> 00:51:14,738
than it is to find a great wife.

851
00:51:15,280 --> 00:51:18,492
-It's so fucking annoying, you know?
-[crowd laughs]

852
00:51:18,575 --> 00:51:24,122
I'm almost 40, so I have all these, like,
acquaintances getting divorced right now.

853
00:51:24,206 --> 00:51:26,541
All these women,
they keep coming up to me…

854
00:51:26,625 --> 00:51:32,923
"Ugh, Ali, it is so difficult
dating out there for a divorced woman."

855
00:51:33,006 --> 00:51:37,302
"None of these men can handle me,
a strong woman."

856
00:51:37,385 --> 00:51:40,722
"None of these men want a strong woman."

857
00:51:40,806 --> 00:51:43,350
I'm like, "You're an annoying woman, but…"

858
00:51:43,433 --> 00:51:45,644
[crowd laughs]

859
00:51:45,727 --> 00:51:49,189
"…I do believe that
it's slim pickings out there, you know?

860
00:51:49,272 --> 00:51:51,149
[crowd chuckles]

861
00:51:51,233 --> 00:51:54,694
And then these women,
they keep telling me about their battle

862
00:51:54,778 --> 00:51:59,574
and how ugly it is, how they're
fighting for full custody of their kids.

863
00:51:59,658 --> 00:52:01,243
I'm like, "Why?"

864
00:52:01,326 --> 00:52:03,328
[crowd laughing]

865
00:52:06,665 --> 00:52:10,794
Even half custody sounds like
American Horror Story.

866
00:52:10,877 --> 00:52:12,838
[crowd laughs]

867
00:52:16,049 --> 00:52:18,009
I can't let go of my husband, you know?

868
00:52:18,093 --> 00:52:22,597
He's-- He's very handsome,
he's very sexy, he's very much my type.

869
00:52:22,681 --> 00:52:24,391
I have a very specific type.

870
00:52:24,474 --> 00:52:29,396
I like dudes who look
as close to Keanu Reeves as possible.

871
00:52:29,479 --> 00:52:30,689
[crowd laughs]

872
00:52:30,772 --> 00:52:31,773
[Ali] Yeah.

873
00:52:33,650 --> 00:52:35,735
And that's my husband, straight up.

874
00:52:35,819 --> 00:52:38,488
He's so good-looking, he's so interesting.

875
00:52:38,572 --> 00:52:40,615
He speaks three different languages.

876
00:52:40,699 --> 00:52:44,536
He introduced me
to mushrooms and ayahuasca,

877
00:52:44,619 --> 00:52:46,037
changed my life.

878
00:52:46,121 --> 00:52:48,540
So in addition to being my husband,

879
00:52:48,623 --> 00:52:50,333
he's also my drug dealer.

880
00:52:50,417 --> 00:52:52,294
[crowd laughs]

881
00:52:52,377 --> 00:52:55,338
I can't lose
that Shaman connect, you know?

882
00:52:55,422 --> 00:52:57,424
[crowd laughs]

883
00:52:58,717 --> 00:53:00,802
My husband's so smart.

884
00:53:00,886 --> 00:53:02,470
He went to Carnegie Mellon,

885
00:53:02,554 --> 00:53:03,972
Harvard Business School.

886
00:53:04,055 --> 00:53:05,849
He's a Fulbright scholar.

887
00:53:05,932 --> 00:53:08,643
He was smart enough to choose me,

888
00:53:08,727 --> 00:53:10,437
to invest in me,

889
00:53:10,520 --> 00:53:12,647
when I was 20 pounds heavier,

890
00:53:12,731 --> 00:53:15,901
had chronic acne and no money.

891
00:53:15,984 --> 00:53:18,069
[crowd laughs]

892
00:53:18,153 --> 00:53:21,031
He bought low.

893
00:53:21,114 --> 00:53:22,908
[crowd laughing]

894
00:53:23,491 --> 00:53:25,493
[crowd applauding, cheering]

895
00:53:32,250 --> 00:53:36,296
And if we get divorced,
he going to sell high.

896
00:53:36,379 --> 00:53:38,215
[crowd laughing]

897
00:53:40,050 --> 00:53:42,302
I can't let him get away with that!

898
00:53:44,054 --> 00:53:48,099
So my husband,
he's all of these wonderful things, right?

899
00:53:48,683 --> 00:53:51,978
But most importantly,
he gives me permission

900
00:53:52,062 --> 00:53:54,397
to be myself.

901
00:53:54,481 --> 00:53:56,483
[crowd cheering, applauding]

902
00:54:00,528 --> 00:54:04,616
Which perhaps,
for a wild, untamable spirit,

903
00:54:04,699 --> 00:54:08,870
is the most important quality
to find in a man.

904
00:54:08,954 --> 00:54:11,706
But people think
it's so difficult for my husband

905
00:54:11,790 --> 00:54:17,337
to do something so simple
as giving me permission to be myself.

906
00:54:17,420 --> 00:54:19,965
They always ask him, "Oh my God,

907
00:54:20,048 --> 00:54:25,262
how do you feel about
your wife Ali going up on stage

908
00:54:25,345 --> 00:54:27,722
in front of all of these strangers,

909
00:54:27,806 --> 00:54:31,226
talking about how much
she wants to cheat on you?"

910
00:54:31,309 --> 00:54:33,311
[crowd laughs]

911
00:54:36,439 --> 00:54:37,565
[Ali clicks tongue]

912
00:54:37,649 --> 00:54:41,820
You know, right now while we're all here,

913
00:54:42,821 --> 00:54:47,409
my husband is at home
in the house that I bought…

914
00:54:47,492 --> 00:54:49,953
[crowd laughs, cheers]

915
00:54:50,036 --> 00:54:54,916
…telling time on the Rolex
I got him for Father's Day…

916
00:54:55,000 --> 00:54:57,002
[crowd cheering, applauding]

917
00:54:59,212 --> 00:55:00,297
Yeah.

918
00:55:02,048 --> 00:55:05,385
Jacking off to porn that he streams

919
00:55:05,468 --> 00:55:09,306
on the high-speed internet
I pay for every month.

920
00:55:09,389 --> 00:55:11,391
[crowd cheering, applauding]

921
00:55:17,647 --> 00:55:19,482
So, he always tells me…

922
00:55:22,277 --> 00:55:26,072
-"Yeah, you go ahead, you know, you…"
-[crowd laughing]

923
00:55:31,536 --> 00:55:36,583
He doesn't give a shit
about what I say on stage

924
00:55:37,125 --> 00:55:39,461
because he's too busy

925
00:55:39,544 --> 00:55:42,964
living the life I wanted for myself.

926
00:55:43,048 --> 00:55:44,466
[crowd laughs]

927
00:55:44,549 --> 00:55:46,551
[crowd cheering, applauding]

928
00:55:53,058 --> 00:55:57,854
I'm the one leaning in
while he is lying down.

929
00:55:57,937 --> 00:56:01,483
[crowd laughs]

930
00:56:01,566 --> 00:56:04,361
And now that I'm the clear breadwinner,

931
00:56:04,444 --> 00:56:06,863
he don't choke me like he used to.

932
00:56:06,946 --> 00:56:08,948
[crowd laughs]

933
00:56:09,991 --> 00:56:12,786
It's too high stakes if I die.

934
00:56:12,869 --> 00:56:14,871
[crowd laughing]

935
00:56:17,415 --> 00:56:20,877
I'll be like, "Harder,
come on, harder, harder!"

936
00:56:20,960 --> 00:56:24,297
And he'll be like,
"But I really want a PS5."

937
00:56:24,381 --> 00:56:25,965
[crowd laughs]

938
00:56:26,049 --> 00:56:27,342
"It's all sold out,

939
00:56:27,425 --> 00:56:29,928
and the wait lists
and the ports are all full."

940
00:56:30,512 --> 00:56:31,679
[crowd laughs]

941
00:56:37,435 --> 00:56:42,607
People like to assume that
because my husband is very spiritual

942
00:56:42,690 --> 00:56:47,654
and because he's Asian American,
that he's some kind of softy,

943
00:56:47,737 --> 00:56:53,535
when the truth is he got
this backbone made of pure, solid steel.

944
00:56:53,618 --> 00:56:55,453
He is a motherfucker.

945
00:56:55,995 --> 00:56:58,415
And whenever we get into an argument

946
00:56:58,498 --> 00:57:00,708
and I raise my voice,

947
00:57:00,792 --> 00:57:03,336
he'll look me in the eye and say to me,

948
00:57:04,629 --> 00:57:06,881
"Oh, you don't talk to me like that."

949
00:57:08,758 --> 00:57:11,803
And then I'll be like… [growling] Ooh…

950
00:57:12,345 --> 00:57:14,639
[growling, grumbling]

951
00:57:14,722 --> 00:57:16,182
[crowd laughs]

952
00:57:17,892 --> 00:57:20,103
"Oh, I'mma suck your dick."

953
00:57:20,186 --> 00:57:21,229
[crowd laughs]

954
00:57:21,312 --> 00:57:23,314
[crowd cheering, applauding]

955
00:57:26,276 --> 00:57:29,654
"You put me in my place again."

956
00:57:29,737 --> 00:57:31,448
[crowd laughs]

957
00:57:31,531 --> 00:57:34,659
"And then you give me
permission to be myself,

958
00:57:34,742 --> 00:57:37,078
and then you tell me what to do,

959
00:57:37,162 --> 00:57:39,205
and then you celebrate me."

960
00:57:39,289 --> 00:57:40,748
And that, single people,

961
00:57:40,832 --> 00:57:43,877
is what a healthy marriage
looks like, okay?

962
00:57:43,960 --> 00:57:46,379
I've been Ali Wong,
have a good night, everybody.

963
00:57:46,463 --> 00:57:48,631
-Thank you!
-[crowd cheering loudly]

964
00:57:48,715 --> 00:57:51,718
["If You Love Me" by Brownstone plays]

965
00:57:57,432 --> 00:58:00,351
♪ If you love me
Say it ♪

966
00:58:00,435 --> 00:58:02,770
♪ If you trust me
Do it ♪

967
00:58:02,854 --> 00:58:04,939
♪ If you want me
Show it ♪

968
00:58:05,023 --> 00:58:07,567
♪ If you need me
Prove it ♪

969
00:58:07,650 --> 00:58:11,654
♪ You see now actions
Speak louder than words ♪

970
00:58:11,738 --> 00:58:12,947
[cheering fades]

971
00:58:13,031 --> 00:58:17,577
♪ So don't just say things
That I've already heard ♪

972
00:58:17,660 --> 00:58:21,831
♪ Don't want your body without your soul ♪

973
00:58:22,373 --> 00:58:28,046
♪ I don't want a love
Who will come here and go ♪

974
00:58:28,129 --> 00:58:32,926
♪ You'll not hurt my pride
If right now you decide ♪

975
00:58:33,009 --> 00:58:38,014
♪ That you are not ready to settle down ♪

976
00:58:38,097 --> 00:58:43,019
♪ But if you want my heart
Then it's time that you start ♪

977
00:58:43,102 --> 00:58:47,607
♪ To act like you're mine
In the light and the dark ♪

978
00:58:47,690 --> 00:58:50,276
-♪ If you love me
-♪ Say it ♪

979
00:58:50,360 --> 00:58:52,904
-♪ If you trust me
-♪ Do it ♪

980
00:58:52,987 --> 00:58:55,240
-♪ If you want me
-♪ Show it ♪

981
00:58:55,323 --> 00:58:57,867
-♪ If you need me
-♪ Prove it ♪

982
00:58:57,951 --> 00:59:00,245
-♪ If you love me
-♪ Say it ♪

983
00:59:00,328 --> 00:59:02,914
-♪ If you trust me
-♪ Do it ♪

984
00:59:02,997 --> 00:59:05,375
-♪ If you want me
-♪ Show it ♪

985
00:59:07,252 --> 00:59:09,337
-♪ Prove it ♪
-[song fades]