WEBVTT FILE

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Downloaded from
YTS.MX

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Official YIFY movies site:
YTS.MX

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[announcer] <i>Please welcome your host,</i>
<i>Amy Schumer.</i>

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[cheers, applause]

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Thank you, wow!

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Thank you so much!

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I deserve this, I do. Totally.

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Please, sit. Please!

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Thank you, thank you, thank you.

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Well, if we didn't have COVID yet,
we've got it now.

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What a way to go.

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I have not had COVID yet.

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Who else?
Clap if you haven't had COVID yet.

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I love how smug everybody...
Yeah!

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And the other people just
look at you like, "Fuck you."

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But no, sorry, we haven't had it yet,
you guys. We're sorry...

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I guess God chooses he who protects.

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No. We're going to get it.
We're going to get it tonight.

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So, um...

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I don't know if you know this,
but I had a baby.

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Thank you, thank you.

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Thank you. Not bad for a year, right?
Not bad?

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It's been three...
it's been three years.

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I still haven't made a baby book
for my son.

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My mom's really trying to get me to make
a baby book. I just can't do it.

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She kept, like,
serious baby books on all of us.

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But if you think about a baby book,
it's really just, like,

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a lot of teeth, and hair,
and fingerprints.

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It's really a serial killer's log.

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She wrote one milestone down for me
that I just saw recently.

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I couldn't believe it,
that she thought this was good.

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It was, "At 24 months, Amy can now watch
up to three hours of television."

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This is a milestone she felt
she was proud of.

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My son reaches that milestone daily,
so don't worry about it.

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People are like, "How much screen time?"
I'm like "All screen time. Always."

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My mom makes scrapbooks for me,
which people hear and they go, "Aw."

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But she puts
every single thing in there.

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Things that I have tried to avoid.

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It'll be some tabloid like,
"Amy Schumer: Pregnant, or Just Fat?"

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in the book.

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I'm like, "Did you think
I needed to remember this?" You know?

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Our son, his name is Gene.

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Yeah, he's a little cutie.

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He was named Gene
for my husband's mother,

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Jean, was her name.

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She passed away, which is so sad...

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but to not have a mother-in-law?

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I'm sorry!

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I obviously did something right
in a former life, I'm sorry!

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So his first name's Gene,

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and then we named him
Attell for his middle name,

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after Dave Attell,
the incredible comedian.

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Yes. He's an old family friend of mine.

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And then my husband's
last name is Fischer.

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Which is also why I'll never take
his last name,

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because I don't want to be Amy Fischer.

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Who, some of you my age know,
was the Long Island Lolita

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who tried to kill her boyfriend's wife.
So anyway!

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So anyway, we name our son,

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and then,
about a month into being a new mom,

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not a vulnerable time at all,

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I realize that
we have named our son

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Gene Attell.
Genital.

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Genital Fissure...

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Anyone else ever fuck up to that extent?
Probably not.

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Probably not.

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So we immediately changed
his middle name.

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I hope it's better. We changed it
to "Dingleberry." Is that good?

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Will that do well in school?

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My son just saw my lower back tattoo
for the first time.

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That's a fun conversation, right?

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He's like, "What is that?"
And I just explained to him

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"Your mom is trash."

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Okay, okay.

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I try so hard. Like, you try so hard to
be a good parent, and it's just...

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You don't get better at being a parent.
You just get so used to fucking up.

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Right? That's really what it is.

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It's just like, you get used to it.

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He's been-- I've been showing him
Disney movies, that's been a lot of fun.

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Except they're all so problematic.

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If any of you have kids and you watch
Disney movies with them,

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before every Disney movie now,
it just says,

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uh, it says,

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"Look, we fucked up, okay?"

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It says, "We fucked up then,

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and now, and we're sorry,
and we're going to just leave this here,

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but it's fucked up."
And it's true.

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And I'm like, "What are they talking
about? It's <i>Peter Pan,</i>" you know?

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So we start <i>Peter Pan.</i>

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All the indigenous people,
they show... "Oh-wo-wo". Awful.

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So fucked up. I'm like,
"This isn't good. What else?"

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All the women in these movies--

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in <i>Peter Pan,</i>
it's just these mermaids.

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Remember the mermaids?
They're all topless, but long hair.

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They all speak in a whisper.

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They're all, "Oh, Peter.

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We miss you so much, Peter.

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Oh, we're so wet. We're mermaids!"

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I'm like, "You can't watch this!"

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Don't even try
to watch <i>Jungle Book, </i>okay?

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So I'm like, "Let's scrub forward,
let's see some of the newer ones,"

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I heard <i>Tangled </i>was cute,
so we watched <i>Tangled.</i>

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And it's about Rapunzel, you know,
long blonde hair Rapunzel.

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And spoiler alert: in this movie,
if you cut Rapunzel's hair,

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something horrible happens.

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It turns brown!

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And that happens!

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Her hair gets cut,
and then she has short, brown hair!

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She's revolting!

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But even though she's hideous,

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the prince still finds a way to love her.

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Isn't that beautiful?

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That's what I want my son
to grow up with.

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I have such a bad habit right now
when I read him books,

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which I do, because I'm a hero.

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Anytime there's like an even vaguely
blonde attractive woman in any book,

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I'm like, "Who does that look like?"

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Like <i>Goldilocks and the Three Bears,</i>
and I'm like, "Goldilocks, who...?

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Remind you of anyone?"

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He's like, "Mommy!"
I'm like, "Oh, my God, thank you!"

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Then he sees a bear,
he's like "Mommy!"

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I'm like, "Only when prompted, okay?"

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All right, you guys
are such a great crowd,

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we're going to have
such a fun night together.

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[cheers, applause]

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This is really an incredible line-up
of some of my best friends

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and my favorite comedians,

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and we're all here
to vent about our families,

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so we're really happy
that you're here to do that with us.

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So to kick us off, ladies and gentlemen,
please welcome Ron Funches!

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[cheers, applause]

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Hi!

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Hi!

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Thank you!

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What a fun show, we get to talk
about families? I fucking love families.

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Oh, I'm doing real well.
My family life's going well.

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I just had my year anniversary
with my wife, which is wonderful.

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Yeah.

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It's the second marriage,
so I feel like this one's going to stick.

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I recommend,
if you're in your first marriage,

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just get that one out of the way.

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You're not even in your final form yet.

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After my first marriage, I was a little
bit worried I'd be damaged goods

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and people wouldn't want me,
but it's kind of the opposite, you know?

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I knew more about myself,
I knew what I liked, what I didn't like.

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I know how good my marriage is now

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because I could base it off
of how shitty my first marriage was.

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And I'm not one of those comics
that like to talk shit about their ex,

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it's just that we were married too young.

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We didn't really trust each other,
didn't respect each other.

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She kept trying--
I was a little bit bigger then,

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and she kept trying
to dress me in clothes

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with, like, giant dogs
on them all the time.

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Or just a lot of bright floral patterns
and khaki shorts.

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Just trying to make me look
like a Black Gabriel Iglesias.

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Basically just keeping me real unfuckable.

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But my wife now,
she wants me to be cute!

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Before I leave the house,
she checks the hair.

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She makes sure I'm suited and booted.

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She wants people to want to fuck me!

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That's a good marriage!

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Thank you!

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I didn't know a marriage
could be fun like that!

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I thought it had to be a constant fight,
constant struggle.

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I didn't know marriage
could just be hanging out,

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laughing together,

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watching <i>Seinfeld </i>all day,

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until you get your dick sucked.

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When you boil marriage down to that one
sentence, I mean, oh, my God,

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it is beautiful.

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Especially if you understand how often
I've watched <i>Seinfeld </i>all day...

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without getting my dick sucked.

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But no longer.

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Uh-uh. Now I get excited
as soon as I hear the theme song.

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Yeah, as soon as I hear that,
"Bom-buh-bom-bom-bom"

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I'm like, "Ooh, I better
go get her scrunchie!"

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A lot of you related
to that scrunchie material.

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You got to be considerate.

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My wife is a very considerate person,
that's how we fell in love.

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Before we met, I had already been married
before, I had my son already.

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And I was like,
"This is going to be my focus."

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But she came into my life
and she was such a nice person.

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She kept asking me the same question
over and over and over,

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until she wormed her way into my heart.

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And I'm going to let you know
what she asked me

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in case you need to trap a man.

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My wife kept asking me...

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if I was drinking enough water.

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And I was like,
"We both know the answer is no."

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I think the real question here is,
"Why the fuck do you care?"

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But it was because she cared about me!

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She cared about my well-being.

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And that was off-putting to me,
I didn't like that at first.

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I was used to these Los Angeles
vampire bitches.

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But she just kept at it.

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I'd go up to take her on a date,

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I'd pick her up at her house,
ring the doorbell,

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she'd answer the door, and you know what
she would have waiting for me?

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A bottle of water!

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If I was lucky enough to get her back
to my house and spend the night,

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I'd wake up in the morning, turn over,
she'd already be gone.

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But do you know what would be laying
in her place?

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Bottle of water!

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One day it just got to me,

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and I was like, "Aw...

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no bitch ever cared about my hydration!"

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After my first marriage, I didn't drink
water for five years straight.

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Nobody said a word.

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And I was walking around with
adult-onset jaundice, it was terrible.

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One thing I love about my wife is she came
in right away, was a great stepmom.

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Again, I'm a single father
for most of my life.

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I have a son who was diagnosed
with autism when he was two years old.

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We went through a lot of therapy,

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seizures, different issues,
and I'm very proud that he's now

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a 19-year-old
high school graduate.

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[cheers, applause]

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Working at a grocery store.

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I worked at a grocery store when I was 19,

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a little bit before I had him.

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So I'm like, "As long as you don't knock
somebody up in the next six months,

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you're killing it!"

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He's got great discipline,
and I don't know where he got it.

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Because I never disciplined him.

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I didn't know how,

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especially having a teenager
and someone who had autism.

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I didn't know what to do, I didn't know
what was teenager-related,

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I didn't know what was autism-related.

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I didn't know which of these things

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made him download sixty episodes
of <i>The Price Is Right.</i>

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But I know that's not normal.

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<i>The Price Is Right </i>is a fine show,
but it is the same damn show every day!

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I'm like, "Son, did you need to fill
the entire DVR with <i>Price Is Right?"</i>

233
00:15:11.994 --> 00:15:15.372
He's like, "Oh, I'm just trying
to keep season stats, Dad."

234
00:15:16.749 --> 00:15:18.584
I'm like, "Okay, so it's the autism."

235
00:15:21.420 --> 00:15:22.755
Carry on.

236
00:15:26.842 --> 00:15:30.638
I love watching him become an adult,
have his own likes and dislikes.

237
00:15:30.721 --> 00:15:35.309
My favorite thing in the world is I share
a Spotify account with my son.

238
00:15:36.226 --> 00:15:39.897
And at the end of the year, I get that
"Spotify Wrapped" and I love it.

239
00:15:41.023 --> 00:15:43.901
Because I get to find out what
an autistic teenager thinks

240
00:15:43.984 --> 00:15:46.695
is the hottest song of the year.

241
00:15:48.030 --> 00:15:52.534
It turns out my son's favorite song
of all of last year--

242
00:15:52.618 --> 00:15:54.328
this is an honest to God fact--

243
00:15:55.329 --> 00:15:57.581
was just the sound effect...

244
00:15:59.458 --> 00:16:00.626
of bees...

245
00:16:03.212 --> 00:16:05.422
buzzing in a meadow.

246
00:16:10.761 --> 00:16:11.971
No!

247
00:16:13.097 --> 00:16:16.183
Yeah, it's cute when
you don't live with it.

248
00:16:17.518 --> 00:16:20.729
But try coming home
to that every day.

249
00:16:20.813 --> 00:16:22.690
You can't even do normal parent stuff.

250
00:16:22.773 --> 00:16:25.818
You can't be like,
"Hey! Can you turn down this...

251
00:16:29.989 --> 00:16:32.199
delightful summer's day?"

252
00:16:35.327 --> 00:16:39.873
He's just like, "Dad, you don't understand
the music that speaks to my generation!

253
00:16:40.833 --> 00:16:44.461
You need to open your mind!
It's got a good buzz to it."

254
00:16:45.337 --> 00:16:48.007
Thank you guys for your time,
I'm Ron Funches.

255
00:16:48.090 --> 00:16:49.967
[cheers, applause]

256
00:16:50.759 --> 00:16:53.095
-Hi, Amy!
-Hi, Ron!

257
00:16:53.178 --> 00:16:54.888
-Bye!
-Good job! Bye!

258
00:16:56.849 --> 00:16:58.976
How funny is Ron Funches?

259
00:17:01.270 --> 00:17:02.771
You're such a good crowd.

260
00:17:02.855 --> 00:17:06.150
Alright, please keep that energy going.
Ladies and gentlemen,

261
00:17:06.233 --> 00:17:09.111
please welcome Ms. Jaye McBride!

262
00:17:09.194 --> 00:17:11.363
[cheers, applause]

263
00:17:16.702 --> 00:17:19.371
Alright! Thank you so much.

264
00:17:19.455 --> 00:17:21.999
Man, it is great to be out
without a mask on.

265
00:17:23.125 --> 00:17:25.878
Right?
Alright.

266
00:17:25.961 --> 00:17:30.007
I actually had a guy refuse to have sex
with me unless I wore a mask.

267
00:17:32.760 --> 00:17:35.095
I know, and this is
way before the pandemic.

268
00:17:38.849 --> 00:17:42.478
It wasn't even a medical mask,
it was like a Spider-Man mask.

269
00:17:43.854 --> 00:17:47.191
He's like, "I got you now, Web Slinger!"
Which...

270
00:17:48.525 --> 00:17:50.527
Well, you take what you can get, right?

271
00:17:52.321 --> 00:17:54.448
I have a tough time dating.
Y'all know I'm trans, right?

272
00:17:54.531 --> 00:17:56.658
Y'all figure that out already,
you bunch of...?

273
00:17:58.327 --> 00:18:00.788
Look at you, you bunch of L.A. detectives.

274
00:18:02.289 --> 00:18:03.874
Y'all are like, "Of course I know.

275
00:18:03.957 --> 00:18:06.293
I'm from Kansas,
not from Mars, I can tell."

276
00:18:07.628 --> 00:18:11.757
The weird thing is, I wasn't trans
before I got the vaccine.

277
00:18:20.390 --> 00:18:23.393
Fucking Johnson & Johnson,
I swear to God.

278
00:18:29.650 --> 00:18:31.527
One shot, my ass.

279
00:18:34.988 --> 00:18:39.118
No, I actually transitioned 15 years ago,

280
00:18:39.201 --> 00:18:40.661
which, oh, no, thank you, but...

281
00:18:41.829 --> 00:18:45.457
No, don't clap, don't clap.
I only did it to compete in the Olympics.

282
00:18:48.752 --> 00:18:50.629
I'm no hero.

283
00:18:52.131 --> 00:18:55.676
But man. And I knew early on,
like I knew real early,

284
00:18:55.759 --> 00:18:58.595
when I was like, five,
we took the dog to the vet to get fixed,

285
00:18:58.679 --> 00:19:00.973
and I was in the back yelling,
"Do me next!"

286
00:19:09.773 --> 00:19:12.401
I was raised Irish Catholic too,
which made it tough.

287
00:19:13.193 --> 00:19:16.363
I know, right?
Like here's how Irish Catholic I am.

288
00:19:16.446 --> 00:19:18.907
My grandmother had ten kids.

289
00:19:19.408 --> 00:19:22.286
Yeah, ten.
That's a good Irish Catholic woman, right?

290
00:19:22.828 --> 00:19:28.667
And she had two miscarriages,
so she was pregnant 12 times in 16 years.

291
00:19:29.626 --> 00:19:30.711
I know, right?

292
00:19:30.794 --> 00:19:33.172
She didn't have periods,
she had commas.

293
00:19:35.757 --> 00:19:37.718
Yeah, my grandmother was old-school.
Yeah.

294
00:19:37.801 --> 00:19:38.969
Like, she was like...

295
00:19:39.052 --> 00:19:42.472
She also told me once
that she didn't believe in gay people.

296
00:19:42.973 --> 00:19:45.684
Like, that's what she said,
"I don't believe in gay people."

297
00:19:45.767 --> 00:19:49.313
Which is weird because she did believe
in angels, leprechauns, and Sasquatch.

298
00:19:53.984 --> 00:19:55.819
I have an uncle who's a priest.

299
00:19:55.903 --> 00:19:59.281
Yeah, he said to me once, he said,
"I don't ever want to watch you do comedy

300
00:19:59.364 --> 00:20:03.827
because I don't want to listen
to you talk about having sex with a man."

301
00:20:04.953 --> 00:20:06.747
So I just send him pictures.

302
00:20:10.626 --> 00:20:12.711
[cheers, applause]

303
00:20:14.755 --> 00:20:16.632
That wasn't his reaction.

304
00:20:17.466 --> 00:20:20.344
No, people always say,
"If you were raised more religiously,

305
00:20:20.427 --> 00:20:22.054
you would have turned out normal."

306
00:20:24.097 --> 00:20:26.266
I'm like, "Honey, I was an altar boy.

307
00:20:28.435 --> 00:20:29.811
And I loved it!"

308
00:20:34.900 --> 00:20:39.196
Oh, no, the priest never touched me,
or hit on me, or molested me.

309
00:20:39.947 --> 00:20:41.949
And I tried everything, too.

310
00:20:48.038 --> 00:20:52.125
I was like, "Father, this confessional
is too hot for pants!"

311
00:20:59.633 --> 00:21:03.345
My dad thought that being an altar boy
would turn me into a man,

312
00:21:03.428 --> 00:21:08.350
but apparently sitting around in a dress
drinking wine all day didn't do the job!

313
00:21:11.770 --> 00:21:14.064
Yeah, my dad wasn't a fan
of this whole thing.

314
00:21:14.147 --> 00:21:15.857
I remember when I was little, I was like,

315
00:21:15.941 --> 00:21:19.236
"Dad, what do you call a little boy
who wants to be a little girl?"

316
00:21:19.903 --> 00:21:23.615
He said, "I don't know, but they're
definitely not getting any ice cream!"

317
00:21:27.911 --> 00:21:30.330
Terrible, right?
Don't worry, he dies in the end.

318
00:21:37.921 --> 00:21:41.383
Wow, some of you either love dark humor
or you hate your dad. I don't know.

319
00:21:44.428 --> 00:21:47.097
My dad died around Christmas time,
which was tough.

320
00:21:47.639 --> 00:21:50.976
I didn't know what to ask for because
I already got what I wanted!

321
00:21:59.401 --> 00:22:01.611
So I'm in therapy.

322
00:22:10.245 --> 00:22:11.955
Alright, thank you, I guess.

323
00:22:13.540 --> 00:22:14.583
No, I'm in therapy.

324
00:22:14.666 --> 00:22:18.420
I've really been talking to my therapist
a lot about my mom.

325
00:22:18.503 --> 00:22:19.671
My mom passed away and--

326
00:22:19.755 --> 00:22:21.673
I know, you're like,
"Aw, dead mom, dead dad.

327
00:22:21.757 --> 00:22:24.051
What next, Little Orphan Tranny?"

328
00:22:29.056 --> 00:22:31.725
We are talking about my mom a lot.
Like, my mom was great.

329
00:22:31.808 --> 00:22:34.811
My therapist said I should talk
to my mom every day, you know,

330
00:22:34.895 --> 00:22:37.272
which seems a little... crazy,

331
00:22:37.355 --> 00:22:39.566
so I just talk
to the mannequin in the attic

332
00:22:39.649 --> 00:22:41.318
I dressed up in her clothes.

333
00:22:44.780 --> 00:22:46.573
But she was great.
My mom was great.

334
00:22:46.656 --> 00:22:48.742
She was like this Martha Stewart-type,
you know?

335
00:22:48.825 --> 00:22:50.702
A convicted felon who could cook.

336
00:22:55.207 --> 00:22:59.711
And when I first came out to her as trans,
it sort of took her a while.

337
00:22:59.795 --> 00:23:03.548
She said she had to pray to God
after I told her.

338
00:23:03.632 --> 00:23:06.259
Which makes sense, because if you're
a middle-aged white woman

339
00:23:06.343 --> 00:23:09.387
and you don't like something,
you talk to the manager.

340
00:23:14.059 --> 00:23:16.478
Hit a little close to home, huh, L.A.?

341
00:23:22.359 --> 00:23:24.569
No, I still try to please my mom.

342
00:23:24.653 --> 00:23:27.864
After she passed away, I thought,
I'm going to do something nice.

343
00:23:27.948 --> 00:23:30.784
So I decided I was going to spread
her remains in her favorite place:

344
00:23:30.867 --> 00:23:33.370
the town I grew up in,
it's a town called Westport, New York.

345
00:23:33.453 --> 00:23:36.706
It's in the Adirondack Mountains,
it's on Lake Champlain.

346
00:23:36.790 --> 00:23:39.042
Don't clap, you're not from there.

347
00:23:41.211 --> 00:23:44.131
But it's beautiful. I drive six hours
and start to spread her remains.

348
00:23:44.214 --> 00:23:47.592
Someone comes running out and says,
"Stop, you can't do that!"

349
00:23:47.676 --> 00:23:49.261
And I'm like, "Why not?"

350
00:23:49.344 --> 00:23:52.222
He said, "You have to cremate her first."

351
00:24:05.569 --> 00:24:08.446
So then I had to put her
back in the garbage bag.

352
00:24:11.908 --> 00:24:14.452
So she's at her second favorite place.

353
00:24:15.996 --> 00:24:17.289
Behind an Arby's.

354
00:24:19.207 --> 00:24:21.585
That's why I'm late tonight, and...

355
00:24:24.296 --> 00:24:25.463
I have three brothers.

356
00:24:25.547 --> 00:24:28.675
It was weird with three brothers,
like our parents were kind of cheap,

357
00:24:28.758 --> 00:24:31.636
so when they ran the bath water,
they did it once.

358
00:24:31.720 --> 00:24:34.431
And we all had to share,
one right after another, right?

359
00:24:34.514 --> 00:24:35.348
Oh, it's the worst.

360
00:24:35.432 --> 00:24:38.560
If you're the last one,
it's like the Hudson River at low tide.

361
00:24:43.690 --> 00:24:45.817
And I'm in there,
and I'm looking down one day,

362
00:24:45.901 --> 00:24:47.777
and I'm thinking,
"This is disgusting.

363
00:24:48.862 --> 00:24:50.989
I'm 32 years old..."

364
00:24:57.787 --> 00:25:00.290
I did have a brother disown me
when he found out I was trans,

365
00:25:00.373 --> 00:25:03.043
but it's fine.
I try to take the high road, you know?

366
00:25:03.126 --> 00:25:06.755
When I heard he and his wife had a child,
I sent the nicest greeting card.

367
00:25:06.838 --> 00:25:09.966
It said, "Congratulations, it's a boy...

368
00:25:10.050 --> 00:25:11.968
for now!"

369
00:25:12.886 --> 00:25:14.262
Thank you guys so much.

370
00:25:14.846 --> 00:25:16.765
[cheers, applause]

371
00:25:21.353 --> 00:25:23.605
Jaye McBride, let her hear it!

372
00:25:26.608 --> 00:25:28.068
Alright!

373
00:25:29.027 --> 00:25:32.530
I don't know if you guys are
familiar with the Oscars,

374
00:25:32.614 --> 00:25:35.825
but I just... Yeah, I got to co-host
the Oscars this year.

375
00:25:38.370 --> 00:25:40.038
Yes. And...

376
00:25:40.121 --> 00:25:43.333
You know, we all saw
that sad thing that happened.

377
00:25:43.416 --> 00:25:45.669
Jessica Chastain won.

378
00:25:47.921 --> 00:25:52.926
No, it was really sad, the Will Smith
thing where he hit Chris Rock.

379
00:25:53.009 --> 00:25:55.345
It was a total bummer, shocking,

380
00:25:55.428 --> 00:25:57.514
but you know, I guess it's like,

381
00:25:58.473 --> 00:26:01.059
he got in one little fight
and his mom got scared,

382
00:26:01.142 --> 00:26:02.769
I don't know. I don't know!

383
00:26:04.479 --> 00:26:05.772
I got censored that night.

384
00:26:05.855 --> 00:26:08.066
There were a couple things
that I wasn't allowed to say.

385
00:26:08.149 --> 00:26:10.527
So I think I'll tell you guys right now.

386
00:26:10.610 --> 00:26:11.611
[audience cheers]

387
00:26:11.695 --> 00:26:13.989
Yeah, you guys seem like bad people.
Okay.

388
00:26:14.072 --> 00:26:15.365
I don't know why they said no.

389
00:26:15.448 --> 00:26:17.909
So my husband
was going down on me,

390
00:26:19.953 --> 00:26:22.914
or as he calls it, "Squid Game."

391
00:26:25.875 --> 00:26:26.960
So...

392
00:26:28.169 --> 00:26:30.046
he's in my <i>Nightmare Alley...</i>

393
00:26:31.673 --> 00:26:33.258
my <i>House of Gucci.</i>

394
00:26:34.217 --> 00:26:37.220
And I say, <i>"C'mon, C'mon,"</i>
you know?

395
00:26:37.304 --> 00:26:39.389
He goes <i>"tick, tick... BOOM!"</i>
He <i>"Bells fast,"</i>

396
00:26:39.472 --> 00:26:42.017
I say, "Get off my <i>Dune,"</i>
and that's how our son was born.

397
00:26:42.100 --> 00:26:43.268
What do you think?

398
00:26:43.351 --> 00:26:45.437
[cheers, applause]

399
00:26:45.520 --> 00:26:48.898
Alright, let's keep it moving right along.
Ladies and gentlemen,

400
00:26:48.982 --> 00:26:51.609
please welcome Christina P!

401
00:26:51.693 --> 00:26:54.946
[cheers, applause]

402
00:27:01.202 --> 00:27:02.871
Oh!

403
00:27:02.954 --> 00:27:07.000
Hello, Los Angeles.
Woohoo!

404
00:27:07.876 --> 00:27:12.422
Oh, man, I moved to Texas.
I was in Angelino for 44 years,

405
00:27:12.505 --> 00:27:14.799
I'm sorry, I know.
I feel guilty being here.

406
00:27:14.883 --> 00:27:17.594
I feel like a divorced dad...

407
00:27:18.803 --> 00:27:20.889
that's come back to visit their kid.

408
00:27:20.972 --> 00:27:24.351
I'm like, "Listen, I love your mom,
but I had to go, okay?"

409
00:27:26.227 --> 00:27:27.562
You don't understand, man,

410
00:27:27.645 --> 00:27:30.690
they were wearing N-95s
in their cars alone and shit,

411
00:27:30.774 --> 00:27:32.275
It was really fucking...

412
00:27:34.944 --> 00:27:37.489
But yeah, so...

413
00:27:37.572 --> 00:27:42.118
You know, I'm a... I'm a solidly
middle-aged mom now.

414
00:27:42.702 --> 00:27:44.287
Yeah, thank you.

415
00:27:45.497 --> 00:27:49.000
And like, everything makes me fat.
Everything.

416
00:27:49.584 --> 00:27:53.088
And I live in Texas, so the only thing
I can eat with no calories

417
00:27:53.171 --> 00:27:54.464
is Klonopin.

418
00:27:56.633 --> 00:28:00.095
And I love it, I just dip it
in barbecue sauce! [smacks lips]

419
00:28:02.430 --> 00:28:05.558
And I like the South,
they're very nice, they're very cool,

420
00:28:05.642 --> 00:28:09.604
but everything moves at a glacial pace.

421
00:28:10.397 --> 00:28:12.899
They have zero sense of urgency.

422
00:28:13.441 --> 00:28:16.778
And then I realized, I was like,
"Well, what am I hurrying to?

423
00:28:18.196 --> 00:28:19.697
There's nothing to do."

424
00:28:21.408 --> 00:28:25.829
What, am I hurrying to get
to Chick-fil-A before it closes on Sunday?

425
00:28:27.705 --> 00:28:30.750
You guys know why Chick-fil-A
is closed on Sunday, right?

426
00:28:31.543 --> 00:28:32.419
Because...

427
00:28:32.502 --> 00:28:35.839
Well, that's the day they grind up
all the gay people to make...

428
00:28:38.383 --> 00:28:42.095
the batter for the biscuits.
They're so good! Ha ha!

429
00:28:44.764 --> 00:28:48.685
And they take homosexual semen,
and that's what that orange sauce...

430
00:28:51.604 --> 00:28:52.897
Delicious.

431
00:28:54.274 --> 00:28:57.193
The Christians are on this side,
they're not...

432
00:28:59.487 --> 00:29:00.530
Alright.

433
00:29:02.615 --> 00:29:06.786
Okay, so, I've been married for 17 years,

434
00:29:06.870 --> 00:29:08.621
and oh, thank you.

435
00:29:10.373 --> 00:29:14.711
And he still pees on me in the shower,
so that's... cool.

436
00:29:16.212 --> 00:29:20.049
And he does this super creepy thing where
he likes to make eye contact with me

437
00:29:20.133 --> 00:29:21.593
while he does it.

438
00:29:22.218 --> 00:29:25.013
And he pretends
like he doesn't know what's happening.

439
00:29:26.181 --> 00:29:30.101
He'll stare at me, and he'll be like,
"Do you smell that?

440
00:29:32.771 --> 00:29:36.483
Do you smell that?
Smells bad.

441
00:29:38.067 --> 00:29:39.152
Can you smell that?"

442
00:29:39.235 --> 00:29:41.488
I'm like "No, I just had COVID."

443
00:29:42.947 --> 00:29:44.574
COVID blessings.

444
00:29:46.326 --> 00:29:50.330
So, I have a three-year-old boy,
and a six-year-old boy,

445
00:29:50.413 --> 00:29:51.915
and a husband,

446
00:29:51.998 --> 00:29:56.044
so I see more dicks than an
episode of <i>Euphoria </i>on any given day.

447
00:29:56.920 --> 00:29:58.379
Don't you love <i>Euphoria?</i>

448
00:29:58.463 --> 00:30:01.424
That's such a middle-aged mom show.
I know.

449
00:30:01.508 --> 00:30:05.929
<i>Euphoria </i>is <i>Cobra Kai </i>with titties.
It is the best.

450
00:30:09.641 --> 00:30:12.644
So people are always telling me,
they're like, "You know, Christina,

451
00:30:12.727 --> 00:30:16.272
those kids, they grow up so fast."

452
00:30:16.356 --> 00:30:18.149
I'm like, "Do they?

453
00:30:19.317 --> 00:30:23.613
What are you feeding yours? Because
I would like to speed this shit up."

454
00:30:24.197 --> 00:30:25.406
Okay?

455
00:30:26.574 --> 00:30:28.326
And it's not the kids that bum me out,

456
00:30:28.409 --> 00:30:31.079
it's the parenting world.

457
00:30:31.162 --> 00:30:33.122
Because there's way too many demands
on parents.

458
00:30:33.206 --> 00:30:37.961
Like now, I got to dress my children in
organic cotton gender-neutral clothing.

459
00:30:39.087 --> 00:30:44.300
I have to find them inclusive,
non-ableist toys.

460
00:30:45.552 --> 00:30:48.972
And you got to breastfeed until
they're in college, did you know that?

461
00:30:49.556 --> 00:30:52.350
Oh, yeah. There was a woman
in my "Mommy and Me" class

462
00:30:52.433 --> 00:30:55.895
breastfeeding her four-year-old.

463
00:30:57.021 --> 00:31:00.525
I'm sorry, 208-week-old, yes?

464
00:31:02.819 --> 00:31:05.905
Will McKenzie be weaned
in time for prom?

465
00:31:10.869 --> 00:31:12.996
My parents didn't do shit.

466
00:31:13.621 --> 00:31:16.791
Right? Parents before
never had to do anything.

467
00:31:16.875 --> 00:31:20.587
My parents didn't even put
a seatbelt on me in the car.

468
00:31:22.005 --> 00:31:24.883
I used to ride in the back
of my dad's pick-up truck...

469
00:31:25.550 --> 00:31:27.302
in a lawn chair,

470
00:31:29.888 --> 00:31:33.641
and then I would hang out
trying to tag street signs.

471
00:31:35.894 --> 00:31:39.814
And then when the cops pulled you over,
he'd let you play with his gun.

472
00:31:43.276 --> 00:31:46.738
But today, oh, my God, the parents,
they're all freaked out.

473
00:31:46.821 --> 00:31:50.992
You ever see these helicopter moms?
These helicopter moms? Yeah.

474
00:31:51.075 --> 00:31:53.703
So, I go to the park,

475
00:31:54.287 --> 00:31:56.080
and that's "me time," you know?

476
00:31:56.164 --> 00:31:58.583
I have a beer, I chill out.

477
00:32:01.002 --> 00:32:04.172
You just let them run,
that's what the park is for!

478
00:32:05.632 --> 00:32:07.759
-[man] Yeah!
-Right.

479
00:32:07.842 --> 00:32:10.637
Then I see these poor
helicopter moms, and look, I get it.

480
00:32:10.720 --> 00:32:12.305
I was like that after my first kid.

481
00:32:12.388 --> 00:32:14.349
You ever see that mom
that's trying to do it right?

482
00:32:14.432 --> 00:32:15.892
You're just trying to do it right,

483
00:32:15.975 --> 00:32:19.896
and she's narrating everything
the kid is doing, as they're doing it.

484
00:32:20.438 --> 00:32:24.192
"Okay. Good job, Cooper!
Good job, Cooper!

485
00:32:24.734 --> 00:32:25.652
Yeah, Cooper,

486
00:32:25.735 --> 00:32:27.904
now put your foot on the ladder, Cooper.
Good job!

487
00:32:27.987 --> 00:32:30.365
Put your foot on the ladder, Cooper,
now run across, Cooper,

488
00:32:30.448 --> 00:32:34.619
run across, Cooper, run across, Cooper,
good job, Cooper, good job, Cooper!

489
00:32:36.120 --> 00:32:40.166
Would you like a snack, Cooper?
Cooper, snack? Snack? Cooper, Cooper?

490
00:32:40.249 --> 00:32:42.502
How about a cheese stick?
How about a cheese stick?

491
00:32:42.585 --> 00:32:44.003
Water? Water? Water?

492
00:32:44.087 --> 00:32:46.923
Cooper? Cooper?
Snack? Snack? Snack? Snack?"

493
00:32:52.845 --> 00:32:55.223
Oh! Oh!

494
00:32:55.723 --> 00:33:01.813
Oh, until finally, little Cooper couldn't
take it anymore, and he goes,

495
00:33:01.896 --> 00:33:03.022
"I need space!"

496
00:33:05.274 --> 00:33:09.195
I almost high-fived that kid, I was like,
"Look at you, asserting boundaries

497
00:33:09.278 --> 00:33:10.488
with your mother!

498
00:33:11.906 --> 00:33:15.994
That took me ten years in psychotherapy!
You just figured that out?"

499
00:33:18.329 --> 00:33:22.291
And stop telling kids to be themselves.
Jesus Christ.

500
00:33:22.375 --> 00:33:25.336
Stop telling kids to be themselves.

501
00:33:25.420 --> 00:33:27.880
They already know how.
They know how.

502
00:33:27.964 --> 00:33:29.215
Just ask my sons.

503
00:33:29.298 --> 00:33:31.926
They're probably naked right now
on the driveway,

504
00:33:32.010 --> 00:33:33.678
wearing nothing but cowboy boots.

505
00:33:36.180 --> 00:33:39.767
And the other day, my son runs up to me,
the older one, the six-year-old,

506
00:33:39.851 --> 00:33:42.770
he runs up to me naked, and he goes,
"Hey, Mom, hey, Mom!

507
00:33:42.854 --> 00:33:44.188
You want a surprise?"

508
00:33:44.689 --> 00:33:47.608
And then he turned
around and he farted right at me.

509
00:33:49.610 --> 00:33:51.821
Timing was impeccable.

510
00:33:54.991 --> 00:33:57.118
The three-year-old sees that,

511
00:33:58.411 --> 00:33:59.871
and does the exact same thing:

512
00:33:59.954 --> 00:34:03.458
"Hey, Mom! Mom! Mom! You want to see a...
Do you want to see a surprise?"

513
00:34:04.667 --> 00:34:08.838
Turns around, spreads his cheeks apart,

514
00:34:10.131 --> 00:34:12.592
and goes, "Smell my ass!

515
00:34:14.510 --> 00:34:15.803
Smell it!"

516
00:34:21.184 --> 00:34:26.355
Yeah, I'd say you have a pretty good idea
of who you are

517
00:34:26.439 --> 00:34:28.733
when you aim
your asshole at somebody, right?

518
00:34:33.154 --> 00:34:37.450
And stop telling me that gender
isn't real. Stop it, stop it.

519
00:34:37.533 --> 00:34:40.119
Stop telling me that
"gender is a social construct."

520
00:34:40.203 --> 00:34:42.830
People who say that
have not raised boys.

521
00:34:44.082 --> 00:34:47.794
Oh, girls and boys are the same?
Oh, really? Really!

522
00:34:48.961 --> 00:34:53.424
You've seen a six-year-old girl
piss out a campfire?

523
00:34:59.889 --> 00:35:02.016
And then be super pumped about it?

524
00:35:02.100 --> 00:35:04.477
Like, "Oh my God, do you smell that?

525
00:35:06.354 --> 00:35:09.899
Can you smell that? Smells bad."

526
00:35:11.192 --> 00:35:13.486
Good to see that disgusting is genetic.

527
00:35:13.569 --> 00:35:16.739
Alright, thank you guys so much.
Thank you so much.

528
00:35:16.823 --> 00:35:19.784
[cheers, applause]

529
00:35:25.289 --> 00:35:29.210
This is a real treat. I get to bring out
my very best friend in the whole world.

530
00:35:29.293 --> 00:35:33.464
Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome
Ms. Rachel Feinstein!

531
00:35:33.548 --> 00:35:36.300
[cheers, applause]

532
00:35:40.096 --> 00:35:41.097
Thank you!

533
00:35:43.141 --> 00:35:45.434
Thank you, guys,
you're nice to me here.

534
00:35:45.935 --> 00:35:47.979
It's been a weird week.
My family was visiting,

535
00:35:48.062 --> 00:35:50.982
it's a lot with my mom. I don't know
if anybody has a parent like this.

536
00:35:51.065 --> 00:35:52.817
My mother has no boundaries.

537
00:35:52.900 --> 00:35:54.402
Every time I'm alone with her,

538
00:35:54.485 --> 00:35:57.280
she tells me something
I truly never wanted to know.

539
00:35:58.990 --> 00:36:02.743
She'll be like, "Fine, there was a year
when I considered leaving your father."

540
00:36:02.827 --> 00:36:04.537
I'm like, "I don't want to know that."

541
00:36:05.371 --> 00:36:07.540
She's like, "I called it my dark year."

542
00:36:07.623 --> 00:36:09.625
I'm like, "You title years of your life?

543
00:36:10.418 --> 00:36:13.963
You teach low-impact aerobics.
You don't know darkness."

544
00:36:15.756 --> 00:36:19.218
I'm the same way, but with strangers.
Like, I'll overshare with any stranger.

545
00:36:19.302 --> 00:36:21.971
I'll be in line at a CVS,
somebody smiles at me, and I'll be like,

546
00:36:22.054 --> 00:36:26.100
"I guess I never felt seen by my father?
I mean, I knew he loved me, but..."

547
00:36:27.768 --> 00:36:29.604
That was
my worst fear when I had a kid,

548
00:36:29.687 --> 00:36:32.481
like, "What if I don't connect to her?"
Because you hear that happens.

549
00:36:32.565 --> 00:36:33.691
I'm like, "I'll tell everyone!"

550
00:36:33.774 --> 00:36:36.194
I'll be at a barbecue, and somebody
will be like, "She's so cute,"

551
00:36:36.277 --> 00:36:39.655
and I'll be like, "Isn't it crazy, but
I don't love her. Like, I feel nothing...

552
00:36:40.615 --> 00:36:43.034
but a vague sense of resentment!"

553
00:36:44.744 --> 00:36:47.330
Then, when I did love her,
I started announcing it to everyone.

554
00:36:47.413 --> 00:36:49.665
I was like, "We love her!" My
brother's like, "You shouldn't say that.

555
00:36:49.749 --> 00:36:52.418
Most people assume
you love your own kids.

556
00:36:52.501 --> 00:36:55.421
It's kind of alarming, actually."
I'm like, "That's fair feedback."

557
00:36:56.923 --> 00:36:59.550
She's a toddler. She's at that age.
She's two years old.

558
00:36:59.634 --> 00:37:01.344
She just empties every room.

559
00:37:01.427 --> 00:37:03.971
She just turns it out
like she's looking for coke, just...

560
00:37:05.014 --> 00:37:06.849
like she has 24 hours
to leave the country

561
00:37:06.933 --> 00:37:09.143
before a drug dealer shoots her
in the face.

562
00:37:11.729 --> 00:37:15.358
My husband's a fireman.
I mean, I think he's a fireman.

563
00:37:15.441 --> 00:37:18.319
Thank you. He could just be a stripper
with a fireman costume.

564
00:37:21.989 --> 00:37:23.115
But this is my life now.

565
00:37:23.199 --> 00:37:26.869
I just have to go to these Staten Island
FDNY dinner dances

566
00:37:26.953 --> 00:37:29.872
and he'll just deposit me
at a shrimp station somewhere.

567
00:37:31.040 --> 00:37:33.709
I'm always the only Jew.
All the women are named Gina.

568
00:37:33.793 --> 00:37:35.670
There's just like a sea of Ginas.

569
00:37:36.212 --> 00:37:40.174
Just rows of hoisted tan racks
and shimmering crucifixes.

570
00:37:43.219 --> 00:37:45.888
The men... the way they
congratulated us, the other firemen,

571
00:37:45.972 --> 00:37:47.348
when we had a baby was terrifying.

572
00:37:47.431 --> 00:37:48.933
They'd be like,
"Beautiful thing right there, huh?

573
00:37:49.016 --> 00:37:52.436
Tiny baby girl. You got to cherish
her now, alright? While she's young."

574
00:37:53.938 --> 00:37:56.482
Why does this feel like
an active threat, somehow?

575
00:37:57.775 --> 00:38:00.069
"You know what? At the end
of the day it's about family.

576
00:38:00.152 --> 00:38:01.946
Alright? Remember that.
It's about family." I'm like,

577
00:38:02.029 --> 00:38:04.490
"Why do I feel like I'm about
to get offed on <i>The Sopranos</i>

578
00:38:04.573 --> 00:38:05.992
whenever you guys greet us?"

579
00:38:06.617 --> 00:38:08.786
They always sound
like they're about to admit something

580
00:38:08.869 --> 00:38:10.788
they can't hold in any longer.

581
00:38:10.871 --> 00:38:12.915
They'll be like, "You know what?
The days are long,

582
00:38:12.999 --> 00:38:15.710
the years are short, alright?
You got to cherish her right now.

583
00:38:15.793 --> 00:38:17.295
Killed my first wife Diane."

584
00:38:17.378 --> 00:38:19.422
I'm like, "I don't think you meant
to say that out loud, Dino."

585
00:38:21.465 --> 00:38:25.011
"Diane went fast, too. You know? I watched
the light go out in her eyes, alright?

586
00:38:25.094 --> 00:38:27.346
Everybody's good! Everybody's safe.
Things are good!"

587
00:38:28.806 --> 00:38:30.599
But that's my type.
Your type is your type.

588
00:38:30.683 --> 00:38:34.312
You can't change your type. I just like
a thick-necked, ignorant-looking man.

589
00:38:34.395 --> 00:38:35.563
That's what I like!

590
00:38:36.605 --> 00:38:39.066
I like a guy that looks like he'd say,
"Follow the money"

591
00:38:39.150 --> 00:38:40.901
when he's talking about the vaccine.

592
00:38:42.570 --> 00:38:45.406
The guys are generally named Vinny,
there's an occasional Dino.

593
00:38:45.489 --> 00:38:46.907
But one of the Vinnies came up to...

594
00:38:46.991 --> 00:38:50.411
One of the Vinnies came up to us, he goes,
"You got to take her to Disney, though.

595
00:38:50.494 --> 00:38:53.414
That's the real family experience.
You got to take her to EPCOT."

596
00:38:53.497 --> 00:38:56.709
Then he goes, "That's the real Japan,
at EPCOT, you know?"

597
00:38:58.169 --> 00:39:01.756
"That's like, legit Japan."
With no irony whatsoever.

598
00:39:02.548 --> 00:39:05.217
He's like, "People think
you got to spend all this cash,

599
00:39:05.301 --> 00:39:08.304
and fly all the way to Japan,
but it's a fucking scam."

600
00:39:08.888 --> 00:39:12.266
He referred to traveling the world
as a scam somehow,

601
00:39:13.267 --> 00:39:17.355
and EPCOT as reality.
That was real life in Vinny's mind.

602
00:39:19.815 --> 00:39:23.569
But yeah, I asked my mom, "What was I like
when I was my daughter's age?"

603
00:39:23.652 --> 00:39:25.863
She can never think of anything good
to say about me.

604
00:39:25.946 --> 00:39:28.532
She'll always be like,
"You know, you ate very fast."

605
00:39:28.616 --> 00:39:30.534
I'm like,
"That's the detail you pull out?"

606
00:39:31.452 --> 00:39:34.747
She's like, "Well, you ate at a rapid
pace. You choked on a chicken bone once,

607
00:39:34.830 --> 00:39:36.874
I do remember that.
You were a greedy eater.

608
00:39:37.917 --> 00:39:41.545
There was a certain rampant quality
to your eating and we didn't feel safe."

609
00:39:41.629 --> 00:39:44.965
I'm like, "Thank you, this was real
helpful, I'll circle back with you."

610
00:39:45.383 --> 00:39:48.511
And a lot of the other "firewives"--
That's not a term,

611
00:39:48.594 --> 00:39:50.971
they've actually asked me to stop
saying that...

612
00:39:53.057 --> 00:39:56.102
"Badge banger," I prefer that.
I identify as a badge banger.

613
00:39:57.978 --> 00:39:59.563
Though, a lot of the other women--

614
00:39:59.647 --> 00:40:00.940
a lot of the people I know do this.

615
00:40:01.023 --> 00:40:04.693
They'll post these long monologues
about how fantastic their marriages are

616
00:40:04.777 --> 00:40:06.862
on Instagram.
Do you know people that do this?

617
00:40:06.946 --> 00:40:09.698
I don't understand the instinct
to drag your husband out

618
00:40:09.782 --> 00:40:13.411
to a pumpkin patch somewhere.
The guy's bloated and hung over.

619
00:40:14.829 --> 00:40:16.205
He's completely confused.

620
00:40:16.288 --> 00:40:18.833
He has no idea
why he's in matching flannels

621
00:40:18.916 --> 00:40:21.293
with his entire extended family.

622
00:40:23.546 --> 00:40:27.842
And they'll be like, "Vinny,
you challenge me every single day.

623
00:40:29.802 --> 00:40:33.597
Every day with you is like a beautiful,
challenging journey.

624
00:40:35.099 --> 00:40:39.270
You have truly made me question everything
I ever thought was possible

625
00:40:39.937 --> 00:40:43.023
in this non-stop learning voyage
we're all on together."

626
00:40:43.107 --> 00:40:44.942
I'm like, "Vinny is on PornHub <i>right now</i>.

627
00:40:46.068 --> 00:40:48.446
What the fuck
has he made you question?"

628
00:40:48.529 --> 00:40:52.158
The last time I saw him, he was so drunk,
he was wet. Just dripping.

629
00:40:53.367 --> 00:40:55.453
Also, my husband never takes pictures
of me,

630
00:40:55.536 --> 00:40:57.746
he always claims
there's not enough room on his phone.

631
00:40:57.830 --> 00:41:00.458
I'm like,
"It's not a storage issue."

632
00:41:00.541 --> 00:41:02.585
He's like, "There's not enough
room on my phone!"

633
00:41:02.668 --> 00:41:05.212
The one picture he took of me
at our wedding, I was eating.

634
00:41:05.296 --> 00:41:07.965
I had a sandwich falling out
of the corner of my mouth.

635
00:41:08.048 --> 00:41:10.092
It was the most slovenly,
disgraceful moment.

636
00:41:10.176 --> 00:41:11.802
I'm like,
"That's the picture you take?"

637
00:41:11.886 --> 00:41:13.596
He's like,
"Well, it was like, the essence of you,

638
00:41:13.679 --> 00:41:15.639
you know?
You're a greedy eater."

639
00:41:16.182 --> 00:41:18.058
Alright, you guys,
thank you so much.

640
00:41:18.142 --> 00:41:20.769
[cheers, applause]

641
00:41:23.814 --> 00:41:26.525
Rachel Feinstein, let her hear it!

642
00:41:31.614 --> 00:41:34.909
These comedians are my best friends,
including this one.

643
00:41:34.992 --> 00:41:37.077
He's just one of my absolute
favorite comics.

644
00:41:37.161 --> 00:41:40.789
And you know him
as Mr. Chris DiStefano!

645
00:41:40.873 --> 00:41:43.959
[cheers, applause]

646
00:41:44.043 --> 00:41:45.586
Great job, Amy.

647
00:41:46.295 --> 00:41:47.755
Oh!

648
00:41:50.174 --> 00:41:51.133
Hello!

649
00:41:51.217 --> 00:41:54.553
Hello, hello, how you doing?
You feel good? You look good?

650
00:41:55.095 --> 00:41:58.265
This is what it is, dude.
It's the parenting show.

651
00:41:58.349 --> 00:42:01.560
I feel like nobody in here
even has kids, right?

652
00:42:01.644 --> 00:42:03.395
It's L.A., who has...?
Like eight people.

653
00:42:03.479 --> 00:42:06.649
You have kids, dude? Yeah.
You look like you have long COVID.

654
00:42:06.732 --> 00:42:09.360
You're just like sitting there
breath... I could tell.

655
00:42:09.443 --> 00:42:11.070
I knew you had kids.
I saw you in the back,

656
00:42:11.153 --> 00:42:12.696
I was like,
"This guy looks like he's dying!"

657
00:42:12.780 --> 00:42:14.073
And yeah.

658
00:42:14.156 --> 00:42:18.077
I got kids. I got two little girls.
My daughters are Puerto Rican.

659
00:42:18.160 --> 00:42:20.621
You know what I mean?
So, diverse? I'm a great white.

660
00:42:20.704 --> 00:42:24.792
You know? So, this great white man,
I have these little Latina children

661
00:42:24.875 --> 00:42:27.670
and they don't speak English,
that's the thing.

662
00:42:27.753 --> 00:42:30.130
My kids, especially my older one,
she just doesn't...

663
00:42:30.214 --> 00:42:32.758
They just speak Spanish.
The mom is always just...

664
00:42:32.841 --> 00:42:36.220
I'm trying to watch <i>Encanto</i>
to talk to my fucking kids.

665
00:42:36.303 --> 00:42:40.474
And I can't... you know, which is great!
I want them to learn different languages,

666
00:42:40.558 --> 00:42:44.061
but Papi only speaks English, you know?

667
00:42:44.728 --> 00:42:48.399
But I think the thing is,
with having kids,

668
00:42:48.482 --> 00:42:51.485
like I don't have a lot
of time or energy to like,

669
00:42:51.569 --> 00:42:53.112
think about a lot of stuff.

670
00:42:53.195 --> 00:42:55.364
Like, I had to go to Portland.

671
00:42:55.447 --> 00:42:57.575
You know what I mean?
Whatever, that city.

672
00:42:57.658 --> 00:42:59.952
I love this country.
I bleed red, white, and blue,

673
00:43:00.035 --> 00:43:02.288
but fucking Portland?
You know? I mean...

674
00:43:02.371 --> 00:43:04.999
Those people, it's just, it's too much.

675
00:43:05.082 --> 00:43:08.460
Like they're very passive aggressive,
very woke,

676
00:43:08.544 --> 00:43:12.214
and I was just in there, and they're just
looking at you, judging you.

677
00:43:12.298 --> 00:43:14.633
And I was in there two weeks ago.
Two weeks ago!

678
00:43:14.717 --> 00:43:17.344
I had to go in there.
I went to a coffee shop,

679
00:43:17.428 --> 00:43:21.098
and I didn't know
that you still had to wear a mask

680
00:43:21.181 --> 00:43:23.934
because I was like,
it's present-day America,

681
00:43:24.018 --> 00:43:26.604
and you know,
the barista's just like this,

682
00:43:26.687 --> 00:43:28.188
she's going like this.

683
00:43:28.272 --> 00:43:31.233
She keeps doing this. I was like,
"I don't know what you're doing."

684
00:43:31.317 --> 00:43:32.693
Like, she's just going like that.

685
00:43:32.776 --> 00:43:36.071
I was like, "I don't know sign language.
I'm sorry, I should be better,

686
00:43:36.155 --> 00:43:38.490
I'm a white piece of shit.
I know, I'm sorry.

687
00:43:38.574 --> 00:43:40.784
I'm not anti-sign.
What do you want me to do?"

688
00:43:40.868 --> 00:43:44.163
And she just wasn't talking,
she just kept going like this.

689
00:43:44.246 --> 00:43:47.791
I was like, "What are you trying
to tell me, lady? Just use your words!"

690
00:43:47.875 --> 00:43:51.086
And then she was like,
"You need to put on a mask!"

691
00:43:51.170 --> 00:43:54.298
I was like, "Oh, okay.
You should have just said that!"

692
00:43:54.381 --> 00:43:58.886
So I was like, "Okay." And I'm just
politely putting on a mask,

693
00:43:58.969 --> 00:44:01.680
and I was like "I'm sorry,
I'm from New York, and...

694
00:44:01.764 --> 00:44:05.225
we don't have the masks there anymore."

695
00:44:05.309 --> 00:44:10.481
And she was like, "Well, here in Portland,
we still take COVID very seriously."

696
00:44:10.564 --> 00:44:13.150
I was like, "You seem like a fun person.
You really do.

697
00:44:13.233 --> 00:44:15.611
You just seem like a real ball of laughs."

698
00:44:15.694 --> 00:44:18.322
And so I proceed to order my drink.

699
00:44:18.405 --> 00:44:21.700
I was like, "Can I have
a small iced coffee, black?"

700
00:44:21.784 --> 00:44:23.494
She was like, "Excuse me?"

701
00:44:23.577 --> 00:44:25.829
I was like, "Can you not hear me
through the mask?"

702
00:44:25.913 --> 00:44:30.542
I was like,
"Can I have a small iced coffee, black?"

703
00:44:30.626 --> 00:44:34.880
She was like, "Do you mean
a small iced coffee with no cream?"

704
00:44:35.714 --> 00:44:40.386
I was like, "Isn't that the same
as a small iced coffee, black?"

705
00:44:40.886 --> 00:44:43.472
She was like, "After what the
African-American community's

706
00:44:43.555 --> 00:44:45.182
been through these last two years,

707
00:44:45.265 --> 00:44:48.394
I think you need to do a better job
ordering your coffees."

708
00:44:48.894 --> 00:44:51.689
I was like,
"I'd rather be beheaded by ISIS

709
00:44:51.772 --> 00:44:55.359
than have to talk to you
for one more second."

710
00:44:55.442 --> 00:44:57.361
So I ripped that mask off,

711
00:44:57.444 --> 00:45:00.406
I walked right out of that coffee shop,
I walked two blocks down

712
00:45:00.489 --> 00:45:02.574
to another coffee shop,
walked right in, and said,

713
00:45:02.658 --> 00:45:04.660
"Can I have a small iced coffee
with no cream?"

714
00:45:04.743 --> 00:45:07.371
Because I am such a little pussy.

715
00:45:09.039 --> 00:45:11.041
But you know--
I don't know. It's what it is.

716
00:45:11.125 --> 00:45:12.376
People are just...

717
00:45:13.001 --> 00:45:15.838
Everyone's going a little nuts.
Everyone's just a little off.

718
00:45:15.921 --> 00:45:19.133
You know what I'm saying?
They're just a little off lately.

719
00:45:19.216 --> 00:45:21.135
Like I had to put my dog down.

720
00:45:21.218 --> 00:45:23.387
Listen, he lived a good life.
Eighteen years.

721
00:45:23.470 --> 00:45:26.473
Eighteen years, my dog.
Little Larry. Larry was his name.

722
00:45:27.558 --> 00:45:29.810
Eighteen years old,
but he was one of those dogs.

723
00:45:29.893 --> 00:45:32.271
He was dying for like
the past 16 years.

724
00:45:32.354 --> 00:45:35.232
Every time I'd go visit my mother--

725
00:45:35.315 --> 00:45:38.694
she had the dog-- another piece
of his body was being biopsied,

726
00:45:38.777 --> 00:45:41.280
an eye didn't work,
his head was turned over,

727
00:45:41.363 --> 00:45:42.865
he was always bleeding.

728
00:45:42.948 --> 00:45:45.993
He looks like he's fighting
in the Civil War.

729
00:45:46.076 --> 00:45:48.078
Somebody needs to put this dog down.

730
00:45:48.829 --> 00:45:50.914
It was clear this dog wanted to die.

731
00:45:50.998 --> 00:45:52.708
And I would just go visit my mom,

732
00:45:52.791 --> 00:45:54.877
and try, like, "Mom,
we need to put the dog down."

733
00:45:54.960 --> 00:45:56.837
She'd be like,
"Jesus hasn't called him yet."

734
00:45:56.920 --> 00:46:00.299
I'm like, "No, he's calling me
to tell you... I'm telling you,

735
00:46:00.382 --> 00:46:02.176
the dog wants to die so bad."

736
00:46:02.259 --> 00:46:04.636
I would come over
with a fistful of baker's chocolate.

737
00:46:04.720 --> 00:46:07.723
I'd just be like, "Who wants death
by chocolate, Larry? Come on.

738
00:46:07.806 --> 00:46:09.600
Just eat it, it's a great way to go out."

739
00:46:12.227 --> 00:46:16.440
And so finally, one day I go visit my mom,
and the dog's dying.

740
00:46:16.523 --> 00:46:19.568
I mean,
Larry's pretty much dead on the floor.

741
00:46:19.651 --> 00:46:22.446
And I'm just like,
"Let's go take the dog to the vet

742
00:46:22.529 --> 00:46:25.782
and just put it out of its misery."
She's like, "You're right, let's go."

743
00:46:25.866 --> 00:46:30.204
And it was 12 o'clock, it was midnight,
and I was fucking starving.

744
00:46:30.287 --> 00:46:34.374
So we're driving to the vet, and I see
a Wendy's out of the corner of my eye.

745
00:46:34.458 --> 00:46:37.669
I was like, "Mom, real quick, let's go.
I'll go to Wendy's real quick.

746
00:46:37.753 --> 00:46:40.881
I'll get whatever you want,"
and she's like, "No, let's go to the vet!"

747
00:46:40.964 --> 00:46:45.427
I was like, "Fine, I'll just starve then!"
I was like a disgruntled fucking teenager.

748
00:46:45.511 --> 00:46:46.762
I'm 37.

749
00:46:47.721 --> 00:46:51.558
So, we get to the vet,
and the vet is so nice.

750
00:46:51.642 --> 00:46:53.268
She's like the nicest lady ever.

751
00:46:53.352 --> 00:46:55.729
She's like, "We did our tests
on little Larry,

752
00:46:55.812 --> 00:46:58.357
and we do see that
he's at the end of his life,

753
00:46:58.440 --> 00:47:01.443
and we're just going to put a little prick
in his little paw,

754
00:47:01.527 --> 00:47:03.904
and the medicine's going
to go through in 30 seconds.

755
00:47:03.987 --> 00:47:06.615
It's going to be 30 seconds.
His little heart's going to stop,

756
00:47:06.698 --> 00:47:08.659
but he's going to go to Heaven
with all the other dogs,

757
00:47:08.742 --> 00:47:11.078
and Cruella, and everyone's up there,

758
00:47:11.161 --> 00:47:12.412
and he's going to be fine,

759
00:47:12.496 --> 00:47:15.040
he's going to be out of pain,
and this is the right thing."

760
00:47:15.123 --> 00:47:18.168
And I'm like, "Okay, fine." Because
in my head, I'm like, "30 seconds.

761
00:47:18.252 --> 00:47:20.671
By the time we do the paperwork,
everything will be good.

762
00:47:20.754 --> 00:47:23.257
You know, it's 12:30,
Wendy's does close at 2:00."

763
00:47:25.676 --> 00:47:28.554
And listen, it's what it is.
This is a 100% true story.

764
00:47:28.637 --> 00:47:32.057
So, the medicine's going through,
just like she said.

765
00:47:32.140 --> 00:47:34.643
Little prick in his paw,
it's going like a roller coaster,

766
00:47:34.726 --> 00:47:37.271
it's going to hit his little body,
stop his little heart,

767
00:47:37.354 --> 00:47:38.397
thirty seconds.

768
00:47:38.480 --> 00:47:41.149
And listen, we're all upset.
I'm upset, my mom's upset,

769
00:47:41.233 --> 00:47:44.069
and I'm just comforting her.
Comforting my mom, she's crying.

770
00:47:44.152 --> 00:47:46.405
I'm like, "Mom, this is fine."
We get down to 15 seconds, I'm like,

771
00:47:46.488 --> 00:47:48.949
"We are halfway there, Mom.
We are halfway there."

772
00:47:49.032 --> 00:47:53.870
We get to five, I started counting
out loud. I was like, "Five, four,

773
00:47:53.954 --> 00:47:58.375
three, two, one!
It's a celebration!"

774
00:47:59.459 --> 00:48:01.003
And Larry's still alive.

775
00:48:01.086 --> 00:48:04.840
He's just still alive. And I'm like,
"Okay, that happens,"

776
00:48:04.923 --> 00:48:08.218
but as time is going on,
seconds are going by,

777
00:48:08.302 --> 00:48:11.722
Larry looks like he's getting more energy,
like he's getting color back

778
00:48:11.805 --> 00:48:13.515
that he never had,
his fur used to be gray,

779
00:48:13.599 --> 00:48:15.559
now it's getting that nice orange tint,

780
00:48:15.642 --> 00:48:18.979
he's standing up on his legs
once again.

781
00:48:19.062 --> 00:48:23.150
I was like, "Wow, Larry looks
fucking good right now. What's happening?"

782
00:48:23.692 --> 00:48:27.946
Five minutes go by, and finally I say
to the vet, "Is there a problem?"

783
00:48:28.030 --> 00:48:32.326
She goes, "Absolutely."
I was like, "Oh, okay."

784
00:48:32.409 --> 00:48:36.079
She goes outside, comes back
a minute later. She goes,

785
00:48:36.163 --> 00:48:38.290
"I am so sorry."

786
00:48:38.874 --> 00:48:41.835
She was like,
"I hired a new vet tech,

787
00:48:41.918 --> 00:48:47.341
and the vet tech accidentally
gave your dog electrolytes

788
00:48:47.424 --> 00:48:49.801
because the dog next door to you
was dehydrated

789
00:48:49.885 --> 00:48:52.554
and we mixed up the medication."

790
00:48:52.638 --> 00:48:56.141
She goes, "But don't worry,
I have the right medication right here.

791
00:48:56.224 --> 00:48:58.185
He'll be dead in a second."

792
00:48:58.268 --> 00:48:59.102
I swear to God,

793
00:48:59.186 --> 00:49:01.146
as soon as she put
the right medicine in,

794
00:49:01.229 --> 00:49:02.939
he died immediately.

795
00:49:03.023 --> 00:49:06.443
It was like somebody had a sniper rifle
at the top of the fucking room

796
00:49:06.526 --> 00:49:09.237
and just shot him in the head.
Rolled over, Xs over his eyes,

797
00:49:09.321 --> 00:49:13.116
soul gone to heaven,
I had a Baconator in my hand at 1:59.

798
00:49:13.200 --> 00:49:17.079
It was fucking fantastic.
Alright, guys, thank you.

799
00:49:17.162 --> 00:49:19.665
[cheers, applause]

800
00:49:24.878 --> 00:49:28.006
You guys are the best.
You really are such a great crowd.

801
00:49:28.090 --> 00:49:31.343
Everyone's talking about you backstage.
Everybody loves you.

802
00:49:32.010 --> 00:49:34.304
We want to make it official.
We want to commit.

803
00:49:34.846 --> 00:49:40.852
Alright. This comedian is undeniably
hilarious and I love him so much.

804
00:49:40.936 --> 00:49:43.855
Ladies and gentlemen,
please welcome Lil Rel Howery!

805
00:49:44.356 --> 00:49:47.526
[cheers, applause]

806
00:49:51.405 --> 00:49:53.824
Yeah! What up?

807
00:49:56.535 --> 00:49:58.537
Netflix is a fucking joke.

808
00:49:59.371 --> 00:50:01.707
I got a whole jean...
Look, let me tell you something,

809
00:50:01.790 --> 00:50:05.627
I'm showing my age now. I'm in my 40s,
and this is what 40-year-olds do,

810
00:50:05.711 --> 00:50:08.630
they like, match a bunch of shit
that don't make no fucking sense.

811
00:50:09.548 --> 00:50:11.550
I got a whole jean suit on
with a cowboy hat.

812
00:50:11.633 --> 00:50:13.009
This is a dad outfit for real.

813
00:50:13.885 --> 00:50:16.221
I'm the cool dad!
You know who the fuck this is.

814
00:50:19.558 --> 00:50:22.853
Man, I got a 13, 12-year-old,
and a five-year-old.

815
00:50:23.729 --> 00:50:26.273
I know, man.
Like, fuck!

816
00:50:28.024 --> 00:50:30.360
You know what's funny?
Like when I was a younger parent,

817
00:50:30.444 --> 00:50:32.446
I tried to do all the things
the right way.

818
00:50:32.529 --> 00:50:35.323
Now I don't really give a fuck no more.
You know what I'm saying?

819
00:50:35.407 --> 00:50:37.659
My five-year-old, we went
to one of those jumpy things,

820
00:50:37.743 --> 00:50:39.995
he peed in that shit.
I was like, "Oh shit, let's just go."

821
00:50:40.078 --> 00:50:41.455
You know what I mean? I ain't...

822
00:50:41.538 --> 00:50:44.207
I ain't changing, we just walking
the fuck out of here.

823
00:50:44.291 --> 00:50:46.251
He was leaking the whole time.
Nobody seen shit.

824
00:50:46.334 --> 00:50:47.711
"Come on, y'all!"

825
00:50:49.921 --> 00:50:51.339
Damn!

826
00:50:51.882 --> 00:50:54.176
Hate being a fucking new dad again.

827
00:50:55.969 --> 00:50:57.679
Carrying their fucking car seat.

828
00:50:58.597 --> 00:51:01.391
People downplay that.
Nobody realizes how heavy it is

829
00:51:01.475 --> 00:51:05.687
to carry a human being
with one fucking arm. That's stupid!

830
00:51:07.022 --> 00:51:09.483
I don't give a shit, as long as they
strapped in, I'm going to carry that shit

831
00:51:09.566 --> 00:51:13.403
the best way I can. If you upside down,
fuck it. I'm like, "Fuck it."

832
00:51:13.487 --> 00:51:15.697
No, I can't go to jail!
He good, he's strapped in!

833
00:51:16.323 --> 00:51:18.325
As long as he don't fall out, we good!

834
00:51:21.745 --> 00:51:24.581
My daughter's 13,
she's a fucking teenager now.

835
00:51:25.791 --> 00:51:27.292
She got the period.

836
00:51:28.668 --> 00:51:30.545
That's right, it happened with me.
I was hoping...

837
00:51:30.629 --> 00:51:32.672
I was like,
"Damn, you got to be with me? Shit."

838
00:51:32.756 --> 00:51:35.550
Because I'm a divorced dad, so like,
it was my time, and I'm like,

839
00:51:35.634 --> 00:51:37.344
"Wait a minute, why the fuck...?

840
00:51:37.427 --> 00:51:39.721
I ain't ready for this."
You know what I mean?

841
00:51:39.805 --> 00:51:42.599
I tried my best, but I didn't know what
to get. I ain't going to lie to you.

842
00:51:42.682 --> 00:51:43.975
I went to the store
and got everything.

843
00:51:44.059 --> 00:51:45.435
I didn't know what the fuck to get.

844
00:51:45.519 --> 00:51:47.729
That lady was ringing me up like,
"You got a shelter or something?

845
00:51:47.813 --> 00:51:49.898
What you got all these
different sizes for?

846
00:51:49.981 --> 00:51:53.193
What the fuck you got going on, sir?
What the fuck you got going on, sir?"

847
00:51:55.946 --> 00:51:57.113
I ain't fucking know.

848
00:51:58.156 --> 00:52:01.451
I'm like, "Let me get the...
the pad that absorb the most."

849
00:52:01.535 --> 00:52:03.870
Man, we stupid, that's what
we think, right?

850
00:52:03.954 --> 00:52:05.997
We think, "Get the shit that absorb
the most."

851
00:52:06.081 --> 00:52:08.917
And when I put all this shit on the table,
she like, "Uh, Dad,

852
00:52:09.000 --> 00:52:11.127
this is for Grandma,
I don't know what the fuck...

853
00:52:11.920 --> 00:52:14.339
you think I've got going on.
I'm 13, sir."

854
00:52:16.174 --> 00:52:18.885
"You don't want the one
that absorb the most?"

855
00:52:18.969 --> 00:52:21.179
Like my son was there with me,
and he was confused, too.

856
00:52:21.263 --> 00:52:23.974
We was looking at this shit, and
I took everything out of the box,

857
00:52:24.057 --> 00:52:26.601
he playing with the shit...
"Put this shit down, stop playing, boy!"

858
00:52:27.269 --> 00:52:28.770
Ain't no fucking lightsaber.

859
00:52:31.731 --> 00:52:34.150
But he was like,
"Dad, you know something?

860
00:52:34.234 --> 00:52:36.361
I would want the grandma one."

861
00:52:38.280 --> 00:52:39.447
And I thought about that.

862
00:52:39.531 --> 00:52:41.324
That's how little boys
fucking think, right?

863
00:52:41.408 --> 00:52:44.202
Little girls, like, y'all don't want
nobody to know you're on your period.

864
00:52:44.286 --> 00:52:46.246
You want something to hide that shit.

865
00:52:46.329 --> 00:52:48.498
Little boys ain't shit.
If little boys had periods,

866
00:52:49.040 --> 00:52:51.585
they'd want everybody to know
they had the fattest shit here.

867
00:52:51.668 --> 00:52:53.837
"Yeah, I'm on my period,
what the fuck you talking about?

868
00:52:53.920 --> 00:52:55.964
Y'all need to take me home,
I can't go to school today,

869
00:52:56.047 --> 00:52:57.507
I'm on my period!

870
00:52:57.591 --> 00:53:01.052
I'm sleepy, I'm hungry, I'm tired,
I can't focus. I'm fucked up!"

871
00:53:08.852 --> 00:53:12.439
Learning too much about women
because I've got a fucking 13-year-old.

872
00:53:14.274 --> 00:53:16.234
We go bra shopping and shit.

873
00:53:16.318 --> 00:53:18.486
I didn't realize
it was about y'all's backs.

874
00:53:19.571 --> 00:53:25.035
Fellas, for a long time, you thought it
was about the titty meat, nope!

875
00:53:25.619 --> 00:53:28.622
That number's about how big
their fucking backs is, so...

876
00:53:28.705 --> 00:53:30.916
if you see a Double D out here,
it ain't about the titties,

877
00:53:30.999 --> 00:53:33.043
she got a big-ass back.
I'm just being honest.

878
00:53:34.044 --> 00:53:35.420
If you ain't know.

879
00:53:37.589 --> 00:53:39.758
It was weird, too,
I forget I was doing a stand-up show.

880
00:53:39.841 --> 00:53:41.217
You start thinking about real shit,

881
00:53:41.301 --> 00:53:44.179
like "Goddamn, I got to figure
this Legoland situation out."

882
00:53:47.432 --> 00:53:50.936
Fuck, you got a 13, 12, and 5-year-old,
the 5-year-old can't get on shit.

883
00:53:51.019 --> 00:53:53.146
And that means I can't get on shit.

884
00:53:53.688 --> 00:53:55.732
They get to have fun,
like the 13 and 12-year-old,

885
00:53:55.815 --> 00:53:58.360
they get to have a good-ass time.
I'm watching this motherfucker.

886
00:53:58.443 --> 00:53:59.986
I'm sorry, that's my kid, but...

887
00:54:02.989 --> 00:54:05.116
Doing some regular shit,
some little bridge,

888
00:54:05.200 --> 00:54:07.160
some dumb car that's slow as fuck.

889
00:54:08.411 --> 00:54:10.997
They do all the, "Dad, we got
on the roller coaster!"

890
00:54:11.081 --> 00:54:13.541
"Shut the fuck up!
Fuck y'all."

891
00:54:17.462 --> 00:54:18.546
Yeah, that's real.

892
00:54:19.756 --> 00:54:22.175
But my son, my 12-year-old,
he's like my best friend,

893
00:54:22.258 --> 00:54:24.427
the oldest, he's...
he's a lot like me,

894
00:54:24.511 --> 00:54:27.889
and I love that shit. I love the fact
that this brother is like me.

895
00:54:27.973 --> 00:54:30.809
Like, if he wasn't my kid,
we would be best fucking friends.

896
00:54:30.892 --> 00:54:32.936
If we was the same age,
I fucks with him.

897
00:54:33.728 --> 00:54:36.022
That's why I don't even know
how to help him sometimes.

898
00:54:36.106 --> 00:54:37.941
You know what I mean?
He going through, like--

899
00:54:38.024 --> 00:54:39.776
12-year-old boys, look, it depends,

900
00:54:39.859 --> 00:54:42.570
but boys do go through a
little weird stinking period, right?

901
00:54:42.654 --> 00:54:45.323
Where they just don't wash their ass
well enough.

902
00:54:45.865 --> 00:54:48.910
And his mama called me like,
"Yo, you got to talk to him,

903
00:54:48.994 --> 00:54:52.038
He doesn't care.
He's putting on the same clothes."

904
00:54:53.248 --> 00:54:56.376
And it's hard to talk to your best friend
about him stinking.

905
00:54:59.129 --> 00:55:00.922
Like, "Damn, brother, we got to talk."

906
00:55:01.006 --> 00:55:03.383
You try to play the game
with them a little bit and shit?

907
00:55:03.466 --> 00:55:05.885
Making little jokes,
"This is fun, right?"

908
00:55:06.886 --> 00:55:08.847
[deep sigh]

909
00:55:09.681 --> 00:55:11.766
Look, your mama say
you have musty balls.

910
00:55:13.018 --> 00:55:16.771
Would you just wash that shit so we ain't
got to talk about this shit again, please?

911
00:55:16.855 --> 00:55:19.691
I bought you some new socks.
Stop wearing the same stinking-ass socks.

912
00:55:22.610 --> 00:55:24.487
Alright, well, that's it. I'm done!

913
00:55:25.488 --> 00:55:27.907
Thank y'all so much.
I'm Lil Rel, that's my time.

914
00:55:27.991 --> 00:55:30.994
[cheers, applause]

915
00:55:33.580 --> 00:55:35.540
Lil Rel, let him hear it!

916
00:55:38.877 --> 00:55:40.295
You're such a great crowd,

917
00:55:40.378 --> 00:55:43.006
I want to say
goodnight by thanking our families

918
00:55:43.089 --> 00:55:47.761
who made us who we are, and provided us
with all of this material.

919
00:55:48.470 --> 00:55:52.265
Please give it up one more time
for Chris DiStefano.

920
00:55:53.141 --> 00:55:55.685
[cheers, applause]

921
00:55:57.395 --> 00:55:58.438
That's you.

922
00:55:58.521 --> 00:56:01.107
-Oh, look at what a nice guy you were.
-[Chris] Yeah.

923
00:56:01.191 --> 00:56:05.195
What happened?
Oh, okay. Well anyway, Ron Funches!

924
00:56:05.278 --> 00:56:07.572
[cheers, applause]

925
00:56:09.532 --> 00:56:12.869
Christina P!
Give it up!

926
00:56:14.287 --> 00:56:15.830
Jaye McBride!

927
00:56:17.665 --> 00:56:20.627
Oh, Jaye, you're cute!

928
00:56:21.044 --> 00:56:22.879
Rachel Feinstein!

929
00:56:22.962 --> 00:56:24.631
[cheers, applause]

930
00:56:24.714 --> 00:56:27.258
And one more time for Lil Rel Howery.

931
00:56:27.801 --> 00:56:30.887
-[cheers, applause]
-[Amy] Aw!

932
00:56:32.013 --> 00:56:33.389
We're cute!

933
00:56:33.473 --> 00:56:36.226
One more time for everybody.
Thank you, goodnight!

934
00:56:41.940 --> 00:56:46.402
Isn't it funny that we all have known each
other for like years and years?

935
00:56:46.486 --> 00:56:48.154
We really don't know anything.

936
00:56:48.238 --> 00:56:50.240
We don't know anything
about each other.

937
00:56:50.323 --> 00:56:53.243
We talk about where we grew up on stage,
we just don't pay attention.

938
00:56:53.326 --> 00:56:56.454
Right, like I learned so much like,
talking to other comics about,

939
00:56:56.538 --> 00:57:00.542
"You went to film school?"
Like, I know nothing.

940
00:57:11.094 --> 00:57:14.180
My son wrote a sketch.
And it was really funny,

941
00:57:14.264 --> 00:57:16.808
and he like kind of
dissed me at the same time.

942
00:57:16.891 --> 00:57:18.935
Like, "Dad, I want you to be
in the sketch,

943
00:57:19.018 --> 00:57:21.938
I want you to do the voice you do
in movies when you get really high-pitched

944
00:57:22.021 --> 00:57:24.607
and don't sound how you sound in
real life." Like, "Damn, what that mean?"

945
00:57:24.691 --> 00:57:25.775
Wow. Yeah.

946
00:57:32.907 --> 00:57:34.784
It's so easy!