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Downloaded from
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Official YIFY movies site:
YTS.MX
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[announcer] Please welcome your host,
Amy Schumer.
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[cheers, applause]
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Thank you, wow!
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Thank you so much!
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I deserve this, I do. Totally.
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Please, sit. Please!
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Thank you, thank you, thank you.
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Well, if we didn't have COVID yet,
we've got it now.
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What a way to go.
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I have not had COVID yet.
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Who else?
Clap if you haven't had COVID yet.
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I love how smug everybody...
Yeah!
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And the other people just
look at you like, "Fuck you."
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But no, sorry, we haven't had it yet,
you guys. We're sorry...
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I guess God chooses he who protects.
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No. We're going to get it.
We're going to get it tonight.
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So, um...
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I don't know if you know this,
but I had a baby.
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Thank you, thank you.
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Thank you. Not bad for a year, right?
Not bad?
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It's been three...
it's been three years.
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I still haven't made a baby book
for my son.
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My mom's really trying to get me to make
a baby book. I just can't do it.
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She kept, like,
serious baby books on all of us.
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But if you think about a baby book,
it's really just, like,
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a lot of teeth, and hair,
and fingerprints.
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It's really a serial killer's log.
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She wrote one milestone down for me
that I just saw recently.
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I couldn't believe it,
that she thought this was good.
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It was, "At 24 months, Amy can now watch
up to three hours of television."
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This is a milestone she felt
she was proud of.
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My son reaches that milestone daily,
so don't worry about it.
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People are like, "How much screen time?"
I'm like "All screen time. Always."
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My mom makes scrapbooks for me,
which people hear and they go, "Aw."
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But she puts
every single thing in there.
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Things that I have tried to avoid.
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It'll be some tabloid like,
"Amy Schumer: Pregnant, or Just Fat?"
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in the book.
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I'm like, "Did you think
I needed to remember this?" You know?
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Our son, his name is Gene.
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Yeah, he's a little cutie.
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He was named Gene
for my husband's mother,
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Jean, was her name.
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She passed away, which is so sad...
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but to not have a mother-in-law?
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I'm sorry!
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I obviously did something right
in a former life, I'm sorry!
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So his first name's Gene,
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and then we named him
Attell for his middle name,
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after Dave Attell,
the incredible comedian.
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Yes. He's an old family friend of mine.
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And then my husband's
last name is Fischer.
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Which is also why I'll never take
his last name,
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because I don't want to be Amy Fischer.
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Who, some of you my age know,
was the Long Island Lolita
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who tried to kill her boyfriend's wife.
So anyway!
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So anyway, we name our son,
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and then,
about a month into being a new mom,
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not a vulnerable time at all,
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I realize that
we have named our son
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Gene Attell.
Genital.
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Genital Fissure...
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Anyone else ever fuck up to that extent?
Probably not.
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Probably not.
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So we immediately changed
his middle name.
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I hope it's better. We changed it
to "Dingleberry." Is that good?
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Will that do well in school?
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My son just saw my lower back tattoo
for the first time.
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That's a fun conversation, right?
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He's like, "What is that?"
And I just explained to him
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"Your mom is trash."
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Okay, okay.
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I try so hard. Like, you try so hard to
be a good parent, and it's just...
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You don't get better at being a parent.
You just get so used to fucking up.
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Right? That's really what it is.
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It's just like, you get used to it.
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He's been-- I've been showing him
Disney movies, that's been a lot of fun.
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Except they're all so problematic.
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If any of you have kids and you watch
Disney movies with them,
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before every Disney movie now,
it just says,
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uh, it says,
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"Look, we fucked up, okay?"
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It says, "We fucked up then,
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and now, and we're sorry,
and we're going to just leave this here,
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but it's fucked up."
And it's true.
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And I'm like, "What are they talking
about? It's Peter Pan," you know?
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So we start Peter Pan.
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All the indigenous people,
they show... "Oh-wo-wo". Awful.
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So fucked up. I'm like,
"This isn't good. What else?"
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All the women in these movies--
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in Peter Pan,
it's just these mermaids.
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Remember the mermaids?
They're all topless, but long hair.
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They all speak in a whisper.
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They're all, "Oh, Peter.
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We miss you so much, Peter.
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Oh, we're so wet. We're mermaids!"
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I'm like, "You can't watch this!"
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Don't even try
to watch Jungle Book, okay?
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So I'm like, "Let's scrub forward,
let's see some of the newer ones,"
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I heard Tangled was cute,
so we watched Tangled.
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And it's about Rapunzel, you know,
long blonde hair Rapunzel.
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And spoiler alert: in this movie,
if you cut Rapunzel's hair,
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something horrible happens.
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It turns brown!
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And that happens!
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Her hair gets cut,
and then she has short, brown hair!
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She's revolting!
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But even though she's hideous,
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the prince still finds a way to love her.
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Isn't that beautiful?
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That's what I want my son
to grow up with.
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I have such a bad habit right now
when I read him books,
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which I do, because I'm a hero.
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Anytime there's like an even vaguely
blonde attractive woman in any book,
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I'm like, "Who does that look like?"
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Like Goldilocks and the Three Bears,
and I'm like, "Goldilocks, who...?
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Remind you of anyone?"
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He's like, "Mommy!"
I'm like, "Oh, my God, thank you!"
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Then he sees a bear,
he's like "Mommy!"
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I'm like, "Only when prompted, okay?"
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All right, you guys
are such a great crowd,
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we're going to have
such a fun night together.
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[cheers, applause]
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This is really an incredible line-up
of some of my best friends
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and my favorite comedians,
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and we're all here
to vent about our families,
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so we're really happy
that you're here to do that with us.
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So to kick us off, ladies and gentlemen,
please welcome Ron Funches!
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[cheers, applause]
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Hi!
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Hi!
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Thank you!
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What a fun show, we get to talk
about families? I fucking love families.
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Oh, I'm doing real well.
My family life's going well.
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I just had my year anniversary
with my wife, which is wonderful.
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Yeah.
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It's the second marriage,
so I feel like this one's going to stick.
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I recommend,
if you're in your first marriage,
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just get that one out of the way.
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You're not even in your final form yet.
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After my first marriage, I was a little
bit worried I'd be damaged goods
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and people wouldn't want me,
but it's kind of the opposite, you know?
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I knew more about myself,
I knew what I liked, what I didn't like.
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I know how good my marriage is now
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because I could base it off
of how shitty my first marriage was.
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And I'm not one of those comics
that like to talk shit about their ex,
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it's just that we were married too young.
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We didn't really trust each other,
didn't respect each other.
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She kept trying--
I was a little bit bigger then,
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and she kept trying
to dress me in clothes
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with, like, giant dogs
on them all the time.
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Or just a lot of bright floral patterns
and khaki shorts.
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Just trying to make me look
like a Black Gabriel Iglesias.
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Basically just keeping me real unfuckable.
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But my wife now,
she wants me to be cute!
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Before I leave the house,
she checks the hair.
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She makes sure I'm suited and booted.
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She wants people to want to fuck me!
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That's a good marriage!
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Thank you!
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I didn't know a marriage
could be fun like that!
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I thought it had to be a constant fight,
constant struggle.
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I didn't know marriage
could just be hanging out,
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laughing together,
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watching Seinfeld all day,
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until you get your dick sucked.
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When you boil marriage down to that one
sentence, I mean, oh, my God,
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it is beautiful.
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Especially if you understand how often
I've watched Seinfeld all day...
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without getting my dick sucked.
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But no longer.
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Uh-uh. Now I get excited
as soon as I hear the theme song.
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Yeah, as soon as I hear that,
"Bom-buh-bom-bom-bom"
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I'm like, "Ooh, I better
go get her scrunchie!"
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A lot of you related
to that scrunchie material.
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You got to be considerate.
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My wife is a very considerate person,
that's how we fell in love.
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Before we met, I had already been married
before, I had my son already.
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And I was like,
"This is going to be my focus."
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But she came into my life
and she was such a nice person.
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She kept asking me the same question
over and over and over,
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until she wormed her way into my heart.
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And I'm going to let you know
what she asked me
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in case you need to trap a man.
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My wife kept asking me...
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if I was drinking enough water.
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And I was like,
"We both know the answer is no."
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I think the real question here is,
"Why the fuck do you care?"
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But it was because she cared about me!
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She cared about my well-being.
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And that was off-putting to me,
I didn't like that at first.
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I was used to these Los Angeles
vampire bitches.
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But she just kept at it.
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I'd go up to take her on a date,
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I'd pick her up at her house,
ring the doorbell,
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she'd answer the door, and you know what
she would have waiting for me?
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A bottle of water!
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If I was lucky enough to get her back
to my house and spend the night,
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I'd wake up in the morning, turn over,
she'd already be gone.
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But do you know what would be laying
in her place?
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Bottle of water!
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One day it just got to me,
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and I was like, "Aw...
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no bitch ever cared about my hydration!"
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After my first marriage, I didn't drink
water for five years straight.
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Nobody said a word.
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And I was walking around with
adult-onset jaundice, it was terrible.
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One thing I love about my wife is she came
in right away, was a great stepmom.
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Again, I'm a single father
for most of my life.
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I have a son who was diagnosed
with autism when he was two years old.
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We went through a lot of therapy,
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seizures, different issues,
and I'm very proud that he's now
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a 19-year-old
high school graduate.
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[cheers, applause]
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Working at a grocery store.
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I worked at a grocery store when I was 19,
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a little bit before I had him.
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So I'm like, "As long as you don't knock
somebody up in the next six months,
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you're killing it!"
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He's got great discipline,
and I don't know where he got it.
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Because I never disciplined him.
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I didn't know how,
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especially having a teenager
and someone who had autism.
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I didn't know what to do, I didn't know
what was teenager-related,
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00:14:40,629 --> 00:14:42,715
I didn't know what was autism-related.
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I didn't know which of these things
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made him download sixty episodes
of The Price Is Right.
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00:14:52,057 --> 00:14:53,934
But I know that's not normal.
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The Price Is Right is a fine show,
but it is the same damn show every day!
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I'm like, "Son, did you need to fill
the entire DVR with Price Is Right?"
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He's like, "Oh, I'm just trying
to keep season stats, Dad."
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I'm like, "Okay, so it's the autism."
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Carry on.
236
00:15:26,842 --> 00:15:30,638
I love watching him become an adult,
have his own likes and dislikes.
237
00:15:30,721 --> 00:15:35,309
My favorite thing in the world is I share
a Spotify account with my son.
238
00:15:36,226 --> 00:15:39,897
And at the end of the year, I get that
"Spotify Wrapped" and I love it.
239
00:15:41,023 --> 00:15:43,901
Because I get to find out what
an autistic teenager thinks
240
00:15:43,984 --> 00:15:46,695
is the hottest song of the year.
241
00:15:48,030 --> 00:15:52,534
It turns out my son's favorite song
of all of last year--
242
00:15:52,618 --> 00:15:54,328
this is an honest to God fact--
243
00:15:55,329 --> 00:15:57,581
was just the sound effect...
244
00:15:59,458 --> 00:16:00,626
of bees...
245
00:16:03,212 --> 00:16:05,422
buzzing in a meadow.
246
00:16:10,761 --> 00:16:11,971
No!
247
00:16:13,097 --> 00:16:16,183
Yeah, it's cute when
you don't live with it.
248
00:16:17,518 --> 00:16:20,729
But try coming home
to that every day.
249
00:16:20,813 --> 00:16:22,690
You can't even do normal parent stuff.
250
00:16:22,773 --> 00:16:25,818
You can't be like,
"Hey! Can you turn down this...
251
00:16:29,989 --> 00:16:32,199
delightful summer's day?"
252
00:16:35,327 --> 00:16:39,873
He's just like, "Dad, you don't understand
the music that speaks to my generation!
253
00:16:40,833 --> 00:16:44,461
You need to open your mind!
It's got a good buzz to it."
254
00:16:45,337 --> 00:16:48,007
Thank you guys for your time,
I'm Ron Funches.
255
00:16:48,090 --> 00:16:49,967
[cheers, applause]
256
00:16:50,759 --> 00:16:53,095
-Hi, Amy!
-Hi, Ron!
257
00:16:53,178 --> 00:16:54,888
-Bye!
-Good job! Bye!
258
00:16:56,849 --> 00:16:58,976
How funny is Ron Funches?
259
00:17:01,270 --> 00:17:02,771
You're such a good crowd.
260
00:17:02,855 --> 00:17:06,150
Alright, please keep that energy going.
Ladies and gentlemen,
261
00:17:06,233 --> 00:17:09,111
please welcome Ms. Jaye McBride!
262
00:17:09,194 --> 00:17:11,363
[cheers, applause]
263
00:17:16,702 --> 00:17:19,371
Alright! Thank you so much.
264
00:17:19,455 --> 00:17:21,999
Man, it is great to be out
without a mask on.
265
00:17:23,125 --> 00:17:25,878
Right?
Alright.
266
00:17:25,961 --> 00:17:30,007
I actually had a guy refuse to have sex
with me unless I wore a mask.
267
00:17:32,760 --> 00:17:35,095
I know, and this is
way before the pandemic.
268
00:17:38,849 --> 00:17:42,478
It wasn't even a medical mask,
it was like a Spider-Man mask.
269
00:17:43,854 --> 00:17:47,191
He's like, "I got you now, Web Slinger!"
Which...
270
00:17:48,525 --> 00:17:50,527
Well, you take what you can get, right?
271
00:17:52,321 --> 00:17:54,448
I have a tough time dating.
Y'all know I'm trans, right?
272
00:17:54,531 --> 00:17:56,658
Y'all figure that out already,
you bunch of...?
273
00:17:58,327 --> 00:18:00,788
Look at you, you bunch of L.A. detectives.
274
00:18:02,289 --> 00:18:03,874
Y'all are like, "Of course I know.
275
00:18:03,957 --> 00:18:06,293
I'm from Kansas,
not from Mars, I can tell."
276
00:18:07,628 --> 00:18:11,757
The weird thing is, I wasn't trans
before I got the vaccine.
277
00:18:20,390 --> 00:18:23,393
Fucking Johnson & Johnson,
I swear to God.
278
00:18:29,650 --> 00:18:31,527
One shot, my ass.
279
00:18:34,988 --> 00:18:39,118
No, I actually transitioned 15 years ago,
280
00:18:39,201 --> 00:18:40,661
which, oh, no, thank you, but...
281
00:18:41,829 --> 00:18:45,457
No, don't clap, don't clap.
I only did it to compete in the Olympics.
282
00:18:48,752 --> 00:18:50,629
I'm no hero.
283
00:18:52,131 --> 00:18:55,676
But man. And I knew early on,
like I knew real early,
284
00:18:55,759 --> 00:18:58,595
when I was like, five,
we took the dog to the vet to get fixed,
285
00:18:58,679 --> 00:19:00,973
and I was in the back yelling,
"Do me next!"
286
00:19:09,773 --> 00:19:12,401
I was raised Irish Catholic too,
which made it tough.
287
00:19:13,193 --> 00:19:16,363
I know, right?
Like here's how Irish Catholic I am.
288
00:19:16,446 --> 00:19:18,907
My grandmother had ten kids.
289
00:19:19,408 --> 00:19:22,286
Yeah, ten.
That's a good Irish Catholic woman, right?
290
00:19:22,828 --> 00:19:28,667
And she had two miscarriages,
so she was pregnant 12 times in 16 years.
291
00:19:29,626 --> 00:19:30,711
I know, right?
292
00:19:30,794 --> 00:19:33,172
She didn't have periods,
she had commas.
293
00:19:35,757 --> 00:19:37,718
Yeah, my grandmother was old-school.
Yeah.
294
00:19:37,801 --> 00:19:38,969
Like, she was like...
295
00:19:39,052 --> 00:19:42,472
She also told me once
that she didn't believe in gay people.
296
00:19:42,973 --> 00:19:45,684
Like, that's what she said,
"I don't believe in gay people."
297
00:19:45,767 --> 00:19:49,313
Which is weird because she did believe
in angels, leprechauns, and Sasquatch.
298
00:19:53,984 --> 00:19:55,819
I have an uncle who's a priest.
299
00:19:55,903 --> 00:19:59,281
Yeah, he said to me once, he said,
"I don't ever want to watch you do comedy
300
00:19:59,364 --> 00:20:03,827
because I don't want to listen
to you talk about having sex with a man."
301
00:20:04,953 --> 00:20:06,747
So I just send him pictures.
302
00:20:10,626 --> 00:20:12,711
[cheers, applause]
303
00:20:14,755 --> 00:20:16,632
That wasn't his reaction.
304
00:20:17,466 --> 00:20:20,344
No, people always say,
"If you were raised more religiously,
305
00:20:20,427 --> 00:20:22,054
you would have turned out normal."
306
00:20:24,097 --> 00:20:26,266
I'm like, "Honey, I was an altar boy.
307
00:20:28,435 --> 00:20:29,811
And I loved it!"
308
00:20:34,900 --> 00:20:39,196
Oh, no, the priest never touched me,
or hit on me, or molested me.
309
00:20:39,947 --> 00:20:41,949
And I tried everything, too.
310
00:20:48,038 --> 00:20:52,125
I was like, "Father, this confessional
is too hot for pants!"
311
00:20:59,633 --> 00:21:03,345
My dad thought that being an altar boy
would turn me into a man,
312
00:21:03,428 --> 00:21:08,350
but apparently sitting around in a dress
drinking wine all day didn't do the job!
313
00:21:11,770 --> 00:21:14,064
Yeah, my dad wasn't a fan
of this whole thing.
314
00:21:14,147 --> 00:21:15,857
I remember when I was little, I was like,
315
00:21:15,941 --> 00:21:19,236
"Dad, what do you call a little boy
who wants to be a little girl?"
316
00:21:19,903 --> 00:21:23,615
He said, "I don't know, but they're
definitely not getting any ice cream!"
317
00:21:27,911 --> 00:21:30,330
Terrible, right?
Don't worry, he dies in the end.
318
00:21:37,921 --> 00:21:41,383
Wow, some of you either love dark humor
or you hate your dad. I don't know.
319
00:21:44,428 --> 00:21:47,097
My dad died around Christmas time,
which was tough.
320
00:21:47,639 --> 00:21:50,976
I didn't know what to ask for because
I already got what I wanted!
321
00:21:59,401 --> 00:22:01,611
So I'm in therapy.
322
00:22:10,245 --> 00:22:11,955
Alright, thank you, I guess.
323
00:22:13,540 --> 00:22:14,583
No, I'm in therapy.
324
00:22:14,666 --> 00:22:18,420
I've really been talking to my therapist
a lot about my mom.
325
00:22:18,503 --> 00:22:19,671
My mom passed away and--
326
00:22:19,755 --> 00:22:21,673
I know, you're like,
"Aw, dead mom, dead dad.
327
00:22:21,757 --> 00:22:24,051
What next, Little Orphan Tranny?"
328
00:22:29,056 --> 00:22:31,725
We are talking about my mom a lot.
Like, my mom was great.
329
00:22:31,808 --> 00:22:34,811
My therapist said I should talk
to my mom every day, you know,
330
00:22:34,895 --> 00:22:37,272
which seems a little... crazy,
331
00:22:37,355 --> 00:22:39,566
so I just talk
to the mannequin in the attic
332
00:22:39,649 --> 00:22:41,318
I dressed up in her clothes.
333
00:22:44,780 --> 00:22:46,573
But she was great.
My mom was great.
334
00:22:46,656 --> 00:22:48,742
She was like this Martha Stewart-type,
you know?
335
00:22:48,825 --> 00:22:50,702
A convicted felon who could cook.
336
00:22:55,207 --> 00:22:59,711
And when I first came out to her as trans,
it sort of took her a while.
337
00:22:59,795 --> 00:23:03,548
She said she had to pray to God
after I told her.
338
00:23:03,632 --> 00:23:06,259
Which makes sense, because if you're
a middle-aged white woman
339
00:23:06,343 --> 00:23:09,387
and you don't like something,
you talk to the manager.
340
00:23:14,059 --> 00:23:16,478
Hit a little close to home, huh, L.A.?
341
00:23:22,359 --> 00:23:24,569
No, I still try to please my mom.
342
00:23:24,653 --> 00:23:27,864
After she passed away, I thought,
I'm going to do something nice.
343
00:23:27,948 --> 00:23:30,784
So I decided I was going to spread
her remains in her favorite place:
344
00:23:30,867 --> 00:23:33,370
the town I grew up in,
it's a town called Westport, New York.
345
00:23:33,453 --> 00:23:36,706
It's in the Adirondack Mountains,
it's on Lake Champlain.
346
00:23:36,790 --> 00:23:39,042
Don't clap, you're not from there.
347
00:23:41,211 --> 00:23:44,131
But it's beautiful. I drive six hours
and start to spread her remains.
348
00:23:44,214 --> 00:23:47,592
Someone comes running out and says,
"Stop, you can't do that!"
349
00:23:47,676 --> 00:23:49,261
And I'm like, "Why not?"
350
00:23:49,344 --> 00:23:52,222
He said, "You have to cremate her first."
351
00:24:05,569 --> 00:24:08,446
So then I had to put her
back in the garbage bag.
352
00:24:11,908 --> 00:24:14,452
So she's at her second favorite place.
353
00:24:15,996 --> 00:24:17,289
Behind an Arby's.
354
00:24:19,207 --> 00:24:21,585
That's why I'm late tonight, and...
355
00:24:24,296 --> 00:24:25,463
I have three brothers.
356
00:24:25,547 --> 00:24:28,675
It was weird with three brothers,
like our parents were kind of cheap,
357
00:24:28,758 --> 00:24:31,636
so when they ran the bath water,
they did it once.
358
00:24:31,720 --> 00:24:34,431
And we all had to share,
one right after another, right?
359
00:24:34,514 --> 00:24:35,348
Oh, it's the worst.
360
00:24:35,432 --> 00:24:38,560
If you're the last one,
it's like the Hudson River at low tide.
361
00:24:43,690 --> 00:24:45,817
And I'm in there,
and I'm looking down one day,
362
00:24:45,901 --> 00:24:47,777
and I'm thinking,
"This is disgusting.
363
00:24:48,862 --> 00:24:50,989
I'm 32 years old..."
364
00:24:57,787 --> 00:25:00,290
I did have a brother disown me
when he found out I was trans,
365
00:25:00,373 --> 00:25:03,043
but it's fine.
I try to take the high road, you know?
366
00:25:03,126 --> 00:25:06,755
When I heard he and his wife had a child,
I sent the nicest greeting card.
367
00:25:06,838 --> 00:25:09,966
It said, "Congratulations, it's a boy...
368
00:25:10,050 --> 00:25:11,968
for now!"
369
00:25:12,886 --> 00:25:14,262
Thank you guys so much.
370
00:25:14,846 --> 00:25:16,765
[cheers, applause]
371
00:25:21,353 --> 00:25:23,605
Jaye McBride, let her hear it!
372
00:25:26,608 --> 00:25:28,068
Alright!
373
00:25:29,027 --> 00:25:32,530
I don't know if you guys are
familiar with the Oscars,
374
00:25:32,614 --> 00:25:35,825
but I just... Yeah, I got to co-host
the Oscars this year.
375
00:25:38,370 --> 00:25:40,038
Yes. And...
376
00:25:40,121 --> 00:25:43,333
You know, we all saw
that sad thing that happened.
377
00:25:43,416 --> 00:25:45,669
Jessica Chastain won.
378
00:25:47,921 --> 00:25:52,926
No, it was really sad, the Will Smith
thing where he hit Chris Rock.
379
00:25:53,009 --> 00:25:55,345
It was a total bummer, shocking,
380
00:25:55,428 --> 00:25:57,514
but you know, I guess it's like,
381
00:25:58,473 --> 00:26:01,059
he got in one little fight
and his mom got scared,
382
00:26:01,142 --> 00:26:02,769
I don't know. I don't know!
383
00:26:04,479 --> 00:26:05,772
I got censored that night.
384
00:26:05,855 --> 00:26:08,066
There were a couple things
that I wasn't allowed to say.
385
00:26:08,149 --> 00:26:10,527
So I think I'll tell you guys right now.
386
00:26:10,610 --> 00:26:11,611
[audience cheers]
387
00:26:11,695 --> 00:26:13,989
Yeah, you guys seem like bad people.
Okay.
388
00:26:14,072 --> 00:26:15,365
I don't know why they said no.
389
00:26:15,448 --> 00:26:17,909
So my husband
was going down on me,
390
00:26:19,953 --> 00:26:22,914
or as he calls it, "Squid Game."
391
00:26:25,875 --> 00:26:26,960
So...
392
00:26:28,169 --> 00:26:30,046
he's in my Nightmare Alley...
393
00:26:31,673 --> 00:26:33,258
my House of Gucci.
394
00:26:34,217 --> 00:26:37,220
And I say, "C'mon, C'mon,"
you know?
395
00:26:37,304 --> 00:26:39,389
He goes "tick, tick... BOOM!"
He "Bells fast,"
396
00:26:39,472 --> 00:26:42,017
I say, "Get off my Dune,"
and that's how our son was born.
397
00:26:42,100 --> 00:26:43,268
What do you think?
398
00:26:43,351 --> 00:26:45,437
[cheers, applause]
399
00:26:45,520 --> 00:26:48,898
Alright, let's keep it moving right along.
Ladies and gentlemen,
400
00:26:48,982 --> 00:26:51,609
please welcome Christina P!
401
00:26:51,693 --> 00:26:54,946
[cheers, applause]
402
00:27:01,202 --> 00:27:02,871
Oh!
403
00:27:02,954 --> 00:27:07,000
Hello, Los Angeles.
Woohoo!
404
00:27:07,876 --> 00:27:12,422
Oh, man, I moved to Texas.
I was in Angelino for 44 years,
405
00:27:12,505 --> 00:27:14,799
I'm sorry, I know.
I feel guilty being here.
406
00:27:14,883 --> 00:27:17,594
I feel like a divorced dad...
407
00:27:18,803 --> 00:27:20,889
that's come back to visit their kid.
408
00:27:20,972 --> 00:27:24,351
I'm like, "Listen, I love your mom,
but I had to go, okay?"
409
00:27:26,227 --> 00:27:27,562
You don't understand, man,
410
00:27:27,645 --> 00:27:30,690
they were wearing N-95s
in their cars alone and shit,
411
00:27:30,774 --> 00:27:32,275
It was really fucking...
412
00:27:34,944 --> 00:27:37,489
But yeah, so...
413
00:27:37,572 --> 00:27:42,118
You know, I'm a... I'm a solidly
middle-aged mom now.
414
00:27:42,702 --> 00:27:44,287
Yeah, thank you.
415
00:27:45,497 --> 00:27:49,000
And like, everything makes me fat.
Everything.
416
00:27:49,584 --> 00:27:53,088
And I live in Texas, so the only thing
I can eat with no calories
417
00:27:53,171 --> 00:27:54,464
is Klonopin.
418
00:27:56,633 --> 00:28:00,095
And I love it, I just dip it
in barbecue sauce! [smacks lips]
419
00:28:02,430 --> 00:28:05,558
And I like the South,
they're very nice, they're very cool,
420
00:28:05,642 --> 00:28:09,604
but everything moves at a glacial pace.
421
00:28:10,397 --> 00:28:12,899
They have zero sense of urgency.
422
00:28:13,441 --> 00:28:16,778
And then I realized, I was like,
"Well, what am I hurrying to?
423
00:28:18,196 --> 00:28:19,697
There's nothing to do."
424
00:28:21,408 --> 00:28:25,829
What, am I hurrying to get
to Chick-fil-A before it closes on Sunday?
425
00:28:27,705 --> 00:28:30,750
You guys know why Chick-fil-A
is closed on Sunday, right?
426
00:28:31,543 --> 00:28:32,419
Because...
427
00:28:32,502 --> 00:28:35,839
Well, that's the day they grind up
all the gay people to make...
428
00:28:38,383 --> 00:28:42,095
the batter for the biscuits.
They're so good! Ha ha!
429
00:28:44,764 --> 00:28:48,685
And they take homosexual semen,
and that's what that orange sauce...
430
00:28:51,604 --> 00:28:52,897
Delicious.
431
00:28:54,274 --> 00:28:57,193
The Christians are on this side,
they're not...
432
00:28:59,487 --> 00:29:00,530
Alright.
433
00:29:02,615 --> 00:29:06,786
Okay, so, I've been married for 17 years,
434
00:29:06,870 --> 00:29:08,621
and oh, thank you.
435
00:29:10,373 --> 00:29:14,711
And he still pees on me in the shower,
so that's... cool.
436
00:29:16,212 --> 00:29:20,049
And he does this super creepy thing where
he likes to make eye contact with me
437
00:29:20,133 --> 00:29:21,593
while he does it.
438
00:29:22,218 --> 00:29:25,013
And he pretends
like he doesn't know what's happening.
439
00:29:26,181 --> 00:29:30,101
He'll stare at me, and he'll be like,
"Do you smell that?
440
00:29:32,771 --> 00:29:36,483
Do you smell that?
Smells bad.
441
00:29:38,067 --> 00:29:39,152
Can you smell that?"
442
00:29:39,235 --> 00:29:41,488
I'm like "No, I just had COVID."
443
00:29:42,947 --> 00:29:44,574
COVID blessings.
444
00:29:46,326 --> 00:29:50,330
So, I have a three-year-old boy,
and a six-year-old boy,
445
00:29:50,413 --> 00:29:51,915
and a husband,
446
00:29:51,998 --> 00:29:56,044
so I see more dicks than an
episode of Euphoria on any given day.
447
00:29:56,920 --> 00:29:58,379
Don't you love Euphoria?
448
00:29:58,463 --> 00:30:01,424
That's such a middle-aged mom show.
I know.
449
00:30:01,508 --> 00:30:05,929
Euphoria is Cobra Kai with titties.
It is the best.
450
00:30:09,641 --> 00:30:12,644
So people are always telling me,
they're like, "You know, Christina,
451
00:30:12,727 --> 00:30:16,272
those kids, they grow up so fast."
452
00:30:16,356 --> 00:30:18,149
I'm like, "Do they?
453
00:30:19,317 --> 00:30:23,613
What are you feeding yours? Because
I would like to speed this shit up."
454
00:30:24,197 --> 00:30:25,406
Okay?
455
00:30:26,574 --> 00:30:28,326
And it's not the kids that bum me out,
456
00:30:28,409 --> 00:30:31,079
it's the parenting world.
457
00:30:31,162 --> 00:30:33,122
Because there's way too many demands
on parents.
458
00:30:33,206 --> 00:30:37,961
Like now, I got to dress my children in
organic cotton gender-neutral clothing.
459
00:30:39,087 --> 00:30:44,300
I have to find them inclusive,
non-ableist toys.
460
00:30:45,552 --> 00:30:48,972
And you got to breastfeed until
they're in college, did you know that?
461
00:30:49,556 --> 00:30:52,350
Oh, yeah. There was a woman
in my "Mommy and Me" class
462
00:30:52,433 --> 00:30:55,895
breastfeeding her four-year-old.
463
00:30:57,021 --> 00:31:00,525
I'm sorry, 208-week-old, yes?
464
00:31:02,819 --> 00:31:05,905
Will McKenzie be weaned
in time for prom?
465
00:31:10,869 --> 00:31:12,996
My parents didn't do shit.
466
00:31:13,621 --> 00:31:16,791
Right? Parents before
never had to do anything.
467
00:31:16,875 --> 00:31:20,587
My parents didn't even put
a seatbelt on me in the car.
468
00:31:22,005 --> 00:31:24,883
I used to ride in the back
of my dad's pick-up truck...
469
00:31:25,550 --> 00:31:27,302
in a lawn chair,
470
00:31:29,888 --> 00:31:33,641
and then I would hang out
trying to tag street signs.
471
00:31:35,894 --> 00:31:39,814
And then when the cops pulled you over,
he'd let you play with his gun.
472
00:31:43,276 --> 00:31:46,738
But today, oh, my God, the parents,
they're all freaked out.
473
00:31:46,821 --> 00:31:50,992
You ever see these helicopter moms?
These helicopter moms? Yeah.
474
00:31:51,075 --> 00:31:53,703
So, I go to the park,
475
00:31:54,287 --> 00:31:56,080
and that's "me time," you know?
476
00:31:56,164 --> 00:31:58,583
I have a beer, I chill out.
477
00:32:01,002 --> 00:32:04,172
You just let them run,
that's what the park is for!
478
00:32:05,632 --> 00:32:07,759
-[man] Yeah!
-Right.
479
00:32:07,842 --> 00:32:10,637
Then I see these poor
helicopter moms, and look, I get it.
480
00:32:10,720 --> 00:32:12,305
I was like that after my first kid.
481
00:32:12,388 --> 00:32:14,349
You ever see that mom
that's trying to do it right?
482
00:32:14,432 --> 00:32:15,892
You're just trying to do it right,
483
00:32:15,975 --> 00:32:19,896
and she's narrating everything
the kid is doing, as they're doing it.
484
00:32:20,438 --> 00:32:24,192
"Okay. Good job, Cooper!
Good job, Cooper!
485
00:32:24,734 --> 00:32:25,652
Yeah, Cooper,
486
00:32:25,735 --> 00:32:27,904
now put your foot on the ladder, Cooper.
Good job!
487
00:32:27,987 --> 00:32:30,365
Put your foot on the ladder, Cooper,
now run across, Cooper,
488
00:32:30,448 --> 00:32:34,619
run across, Cooper, run across, Cooper,
good job, Cooper, good job, Cooper!
489
00:32:36,120 --> 00:32:40,166
Would you like a snack, Cooper?
Cooper, snack? Snack? Cooper, Cooper?
490
00:32:40,249 --> 00:32:42,502
How about a cheese stick?
How about a cheese stick?
491
00:32:42,585 --> 00:32:44,003
Water? Water? Water?
492
00:32:44,087 --> 00:32:46,923
Cooper? Cooper?
Snack? Snack? Snack? Snack?"
493
00:32:52,845 --> 00:32:55,223
Oh! Oh!
494
00:32:55,723 --> 00:33:01,813
Oh, until finally, little Cooper couldn't
take it anymore, and he goes,
495
00:33:01,896 --> 00:33:03,022
"I need space!"
496
00:33:05,274 --> 00:33:09,195
I almost high-fived that kid, I was like,
"Look at you, asserting boundaries
497
00:33:09,278 --> 00:33:10,488
with your mother!
498
00:33:11,906 --> 00:33:15,994
That took me ten years in psychotherapy!
You just figured that out?"
499
00:33:18,329 --> 00:33:22,291
And stop telling kids to be themselves.
Jesus Christ.
500
00:33:22,375 --> 00:33:25,336
Stop telling kids to be themselves.
501
00:33:25,420 --> 00:33:27,880
They already know how.
They know how.
502
00:33:27,964 --> 00:33:29,215
Just ask my sons.
503
00:33:29,298 --> 00:33:31,926
They're probably naked right now
on the driveway,
504
00:33:32,010 --> 00:33:33,678
wearing nothing but cowboy boots.
505
00:33:36,180 --> 00:33:39,767
And the other day, my son runs up to me,
the older one, the six-year-old,
506
00:33:39,851 --> 00:33:42,770
he runs up to me naked, and he goes,
"Hey, Mom, hey, Mom!
507
00:33:42,854 --> 00:33:44,188
You want a surprise?"
508
00:33:44,689 --> 00:33:47,608
And then he turned
around and he farted right at me.
509
00:33:49,610 --> 00:33:51,821
Timing was impeccable.
510
00:33:54,991 --> 00:33:57,118
The three-year-old sees that,
511
00:33:58,411 --> 00:33:59,871
and does the exact same thing:
512
00:33:59,954 --> 00:34:03,458
"Hey, Mom! Mom! Mom! You want to see a...
Do you want to see a surprise?"
513
00:34:04,667 --> 00:34:08,838
Turns around, spreads his cheeks apart,
514
00:34:10,131 --> 00:34:12,592
and goes, "Smell my ass!
515
00:34:14,510 --> 00:34:15,803
Smell it!"
516
00:34:21,184 --> 00:34:26,355
Yeah, I'd say you have a pretty good idea
of who you are
517
00:34:26,439 --> 00:34:28,733
when you aim
your asshole at somebody, right?
518
00:34:33,154 --> 00:34:37,450
And stop telling me that gender
isn't real. Stop it, stop it.
519
00:34:37,533 --> 00:34:40,119
Stop telling me that
"gender is a social construct."
520
00:34:40,203 --> 00:34:42,830
People who say that
have not raised boys.
521
00:34:44,082 --> 00:34:47,794
Oh, girls and boys are the same?
Oh, really? Really!
522
00:34:48,961 --> 00:34:53,424
You've seen a six-year-old girl
piss out a campfire?
523
00:34:59,889 --> 00:35:02,016
And then be super pumped about it?
524
00:35:02,100 --> 00:35:04,477
Like, "Oh my God, do you smell that?
525
00:35:06,354 --> 00:35:09,899
Can you smell that? Smells bad."
526
00:35:11,192 --> 00:35:13,486
Good to see that disgusting is genetic.
527
00:35:13,569 --> 00:35:16,739
Alright, thank you guys so much.
Thank you so much.
528
00:35:16,823 --> 00:35:19,784
[cheers, applause]
529
00:35:25,289 --> 00:35:29,210
This is a real treat. I get to bring out
my very best friend in the whole world.
530
00:35:29,293 --> 00:35:33,464
Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome
Ms. Rachel Feinstein!
531
00:35:33,548 --> 00:35:36,300
[cheers, applause]
532
00:35:40,096 --> 00:35:41,097
Thank you!
533
00:35:43,141 --> 00:35:45,434
Thank you, guys,
you're nice to me here.
534
00:35:45,935 --> 00:35:47,979
It's been a weird week.
My family was visiting,
535
00:35:48,062 --> 00:35:50,982
it's a lot with my mom. I don't know
if anybody has a parent like this.
536
00:35:51,065 --> 00:35:52,817
My mother has no boundaries.
537
00:35:52,900 --> 00:35:54,402
Every time I'm alone with her,
538
00:35:54,485 --> 00:35:57,280
she tells me something
I truly never wanted to know.
539
00:35:58,990 --> 00:36:02,743
She'll be like, "Fine, there was a year
when I considered leaving your father."
540
00:36:02,827 --> 00:36:04,537
I'm like, "I don't want to know that."
541
00:36:05,371 --> 00:36:07,540
She's like, "I called it my dark year."
542
00:36:07,623 --> 00:36:09,625
I'm like, "You title years of your life?
543
00:36:10,418 --> 00:36:13,963
You teach low-impact aerobics.
You don't know darkness."
544
00:36:15,756 --> 00:36:19,218
I'm the same way, but with strangers.
Like, I'll overshare with any stranger.
545
00:36:19,302 --> 00:36:21,971
I'll be in line at a CVS,
somebody smiles at me, and I'll be like,
546
00:36:22,054 --> 00:36:26,100
"I guess I never felt seen by my father?
I mean, I knew he loved me, but..."
547
00:36:27,768 --> 00:36:29,604
That was
my worst fear when I had a kid,
548
00:36:29,687 --> 00:36:32,481
like, "What if I don't connect to her?"
Because you hear that happens.
549
00:36:32,565 --> 00:36:33,691
I'm like, "I'll tell everyone!"
550
00:36:33,774 --> 00:36:36,194
I'll be at a barbecue, and somebody
will be like, "She's so cute,"
551
00:36:36,277 --> 00:36:39,655
and I'll be like, "Isn't it crazy, but
I don't love her. Like, I feel nothing...
552
00:36:40,615 --> 00:36:43,034
but a vague sense of resentment!"
553
00:36:44,744 --> 00:36:47,330
Then, when I did love her,
I started announcing it to everyone.
554
00:36:47,413 --> 00:36:49,665
I was like, "We love her!" My
brother's like, "You shouldn't say that.
555
00:36:49,749 --> 00:36:52,418
Most people assume
you love your own kids.
556
00:36:52,501 --> 00:36:55,421
It's kind of alarming, actually."
I'm like, "That's fair feedback."
557
00:36:56,923 --> 00:36:59,550
She's a toddler. She's at that age.
She's two years old.
558
00:36:59,634 --> 00:37:01,344
She just empties every room.
559
00:37:01,427 --> 00:37:03,971
She just turns it out
like she's looking for coke, just...
560
00:37:05,014 --> 00:37:06,849
like she has 24 hours
to leave the country
561
00:37:06,933 --> 00:37:09,143
before a drug dealer shoots her
in the face.
562
00:37:11,729 --> 00:37:15,358
My husband's a fireman.
I mean, I think he's a fireman.
563
00:37:15,441 --> 00:37:18,319
Thank you. He could just be a stripper
with a fireman costume.
564
00:37:21,989 --> 00:37:23,115
But this is my life now.
565
00:37:23,199 --> 00:37:26,869
I just have to go to these Staten Island
FDNY dinner dances
566
00:37:26,953 --> 00:37:29,872
and he'll just deposit me
at a shrimp station somewhere.
567
00:37:31,040 --> 00:37:33,709
I'm always the only Jew.
All the women are named Gina.
568
00:37:33,793 --> 00:37:35,670
There's just like a sea of Ginas.
569
00:37:36,212 --> 00:37:40,174
Just rows of hoisted tan racks
and shimmering crucifixes.
570
00:37:43,219 --> 00:37:45,888
The men... the way they
congratulated us, the other firemen,
571
00:37:45,972 --> 00:37:47,348
when we had a baby was terrifying.
572
00:37:47,431 --> 00:37:48,933
They'd be like,
"Beautiful thing right there, huh?
573
00:37:49,016 --> 00:37:52,436
Tiny baby girl. You got to cherish
her now, alright? While she's young."
574
00:37:53,938 --> 00:37:56,482
Why does this feel like
an active threat, somehow?
575
00:37:57,775 --> 00:38:00,069
"You know what? At the end
of the day it's about family.
576
00:38:00,152 --> 00:38:01,946
Alright? Remember that.
It's about family." I'm like,
577
00:38:02,029 --> 00:38:04,490
"Why do I feel like I'm about
to get offed on The Sopranos
578
00:38:04,573 --> 00:38:05,992
whenever you guys greet us?"
579
00:38:06,617 --> 00:38:08,786
They always sound
like they're about to admit something
580
00:38:08,869 --> 00:38:10,788
they can't hold in any longer.
581
00:38:10,871 --> 00:38:12,915
They'll be like, "You know what?
The days are long,
582
00:38:12,999 --> 00:38:15,710
the years are short, alright?
You got to cherish her right now.
583
00:38:15,793 --> 00:38:17,295
Killed my first wife Diane."
584
00:38:17,378 --> 00:38:19,422
I'm like, "I don't think you meant
to say that out loud, Dino."
585
00:38:21,465 --> 00:38:25,011
"Diane went fast, too. You know? I watched
the light go out in her eyes, alright?
586
00:38:25,094 --> 00:38:27,346
Everybody's good! Everybody's safe.
Things are good!"
587
00:38:28,806 --> 00:38:30,599
But that's my type.
Your type is your type.
588
00:38:30,683 --> 00:38:34,312
You can't change your type. I just like
a thick-necked, ignorant-looking man.
589
00:38:34,395 --> 00:38:35,563
That's what I like!
590
00:38:36,605 --> 00:38:39,066
I like a guy that looks like he'd say,
"Follow the money"
591
00:38:39,150 --> 00:38:40,901
when he's talking about the vaccine.
592
00:38:42,570 --> 00:38:45,406
The guys are generally named Vinny,
there's an occasional Dino.
593
00:38:45,489 --> 00:38:46,907
But one of the Vinnies came up to...
594
00:38:46,991 --> 00:38:50,411
One of the Vinnies came up to us, he goes,
"You got to take her to Disney, though.
595
00:38:50,494 --> 00:38:53,414
That's the real family experience.
You got to take her to EPCOT."
596
00:38:53,497 --> 00:38:56,709
Then he goes, "That's the real Japan,
at EPCOT, you know?"
597
00:38:58,169 --> 00:39:01,756
"That's like, legit Japan."
With no irony whatsoever.
598
00:39:02,548 --> 00:39:05,217
He's like, "People think
you got to spend all this cash,
599
00:39:05,301 --> 00:39:08,304
and fly all the way to Japan,
but it's a fucking scam."
600
00:39:08,888 --> 00:39:12,266
He referred to traveling the world
as a scam somehow,
601
00:39:13,267 --> 00:39:17,355
and EPCOT as reality.
That was real life in Vinny's mind.
602
00:39:19,815 --> 00:39:23,569
But yeah, I asked my mom, "What was I like
when I was my daughter's age?"
603
00:39:23,652 --> 00:39:25,863
She can never think of anything good
to say about me.
604
00:39:25,946 --> 00:39:28,532
She'll always be like,
"You know, you ate very fast."
605
00:39:28,616 --> 00:39:30,534
I'm like,
"That's the detail you pull out?"
606
00:39:31,452 --> 00:39:34,747
She's like, "Well, you ate at a rapid
pace. You choked on a chicken bone once,
607
00:39:34,830 --> 00:39:36,874
I do remember that.
You were a greedy eater.
608
00:39:37,917 --> 00:39:41,545
There was a certain rampant quality
to your eating and we didn't feel safe."
609
00:39:41,629 --> 00:39:44,965
I'm like, "Thank you, this was real
helpful, I'll circle back with you."
610
00:39:45,383 --> 00:39:48,511
And a lot of the other "firewives"--
That's not a term,
611
00:39:48,594 --> 00:39:50,971
they've actually asked me to stop
saying that...
612
00:39:53,057 --> 00:39:56,102
"Badge banger," I prefer that.
I identify as a badge banger.
613
00:39:57,978 --> 00:39:59,563
Though, a lot of the other women--
614
00:39:59,647 --> 00:40:00,940
a lot of the people I know do this.
615
00:40:01,023 --> 00:40:04,693
They'll post these long monologues
about how fantastic their marriages are
616
00:40:04,777 --> 00:40:06,862
on Instagram.
Do you know people that do this?
617
00:40:06,946 --> 00:40:09,698
I don't understand the instinct
to drag your husband out
618
00:40:09,782 --> 00:40:13,411
to a pumpkin patch somewhere.
The guy's bloated and hung over.
619
00:40:14,829 --> 00:40:16,205
He's completely confused.
620
00:40:16,288 --> 00:40:18,833
He has no idea
why he's in matching flannels
621
00:40:18,916 --> 00:40:21,293
with his entire extended family.
622
00:40:23,546 --> 00:40:27,842
And they'll be like, "Vinny,
you challenge me every single day.
623
00:40:29,802 --> 00:40:33,597
Every day with you is like a beautiful,
challenging journey.
624
00:40:35,099 --> 00:40:39,270
You have truly made me question everything
I ever thought was possible
625
00:40:39,937 --> 00:40:43,023
in this non-stop learning voyage
we're all on together."
626
00:40:43,107 --> 00:40:44,942
I'm like, "Vinny is on PornHub right now.
627
00:40:46,068 --> 00:40:48,446
What the fuck
has he made you question?"
628
00:40:48,529 --> 00:40:52,158
The last time I saw him, he was so drunk,
he was wet. Just dripping.
629
00:40:53,367 --> 00:40:55,453
Also, my husband never takes pictures
of me,
630
00:40:55,536 --> 00:40:57,746
he always claims
there's not enough room on his phone.
631
00:40:57,830 --> 00:41:00,458
I'm like,
"It's not a storage issue."
632
00:41:00,541 --> 00:41:02,585
He's like, "There's not enough
room on my phone!"
633
00:41:02,668 --> 00:41:05,212
The one picture he took of me
at our wedding, I was eating.
634
00:41:05,296 --> 00:41:07,965
I had a sandwich falling out
of the corner of my mouth.
635
00:41:08,048 --> 00:41:10,092
It was the most slovenly,
disgraceful moment.
636
00:41:10,176 --> 00:41:11,802
I'm like,
"That's the picture you take?"
637
00:41:11,886 --> 00:41:13,596
He's like,
"Well, it was like, the essence of you,
638
00:41:13,679 --> 00:41:15,639
you know?
You're a greedy eater."
639
00:41:16,182 --> 00:41:18,058
Alright, you guys,
thank you so much.
640
00:41:18,142 --> 00:41:20,769
[cheers, applause]
641
00:41:23,814 --> 00:41:26,525
Rachel Feinstein, let her hear it!
642
00:41:31,614 --> 00:41:34,909
These comedians are my best friends,
including this one.
643
00:41:34,992 --> 00:41:37,077
He's just one of my absolute
favorite comics.
644
00:41:37,161 --> 00:41:40,789
And you know him
as Mr. Chris DiStefano!
645
00:41:40,873 --> 00:41:43,959
[cheers, applause]
646
00:41:44,043 --> 00:41:45,586
Great job, Amy.
647
00:41:46,295 --> 00:41:47,755
Oh!
648
00:41:50,174 --> 00:41:51,133
Hello!
649
00:41:51,217 --> 00:41:54,553
Hello, hello, how you doing?
You feel good? You look good?
650
00:41:55,095 --> 00:41:58,265
This is what it is, dude.
It's the parenting show.
651
00:41:58,349 --> 00:42:01,560
I feel like nobody in here
even has kids, right?
652
00:42:01,644 --> 00:42:03,395
It's L.A., who has...?
Like eight people.
653
00:42:03,479 --> 00:42:06,649
You have kids, dude? Yeah.
You look like you have long COVID.
654
00:42:06,732 --> 00:42:09,360
You're just like sitting there
breath... I could tell.
655
00:42:09,443 --> 00:42:11,070
I knew you had kids.
I saw you in the back,
656
00:42:11,153 --> 00:42:12,696
I was like,
"This guy looks like he's dying!"
657
00:42:12,780 --> 00:42:14,073
And yeah.
658
00:42:14,156 --> 00:42:18,077
I got kids. I got two little girls.
My daughters are Puerto Rican.
659
00:42:18,160 --> 00:42:20,621
You know what I mean?
So, diverse? I'm a great white.
660
00:42:20,704 --> 00:42:24,792
You know? So, this great white man,
I have these little Latina children
661
00:42:24,875 --> 00:42:27,670
and they don't speak English,
that's the thing.
662
00:42:27,753 --> 00:42:30,130
My kids, especially my older one,
she just doesn't...
663
00:42:30,214 --> 00:42:32,758
They just speak Spanish.
The mom is always just...
664
00:42:32,841 --> 00:42:36,220
I'm trying to watch Encanto
to talk to my fucking kids.
665
00:42:36,303 --> 00:42:40,474
And I can't... you know, which is great!
I want them to learn different languages,
666
00:42:40,558 --> 00:42:44,061
but Papi only speaks English, you know?
667
00:42:44,728 --> 00:42:48,399
But I think the thing is,
with having kids,
668
00:42:48,482 --> 00:42:51,485
like I don't have a lot
of time or energy to like,
669
00:42:51,569 --> 00:42:53,112
think about a lot of stuff.
670
00:42:53,195 --> 00:42:55,364
Like, I had to go to Portland.
671
00:42:55,447 --> 00:42:57,575
You know what I mean?
Whatever, that city.
672
00:42:57,658 --> 00:42:59,952
I love this country.
I bleed red, white, and blue,
673
00:43:00,035 --> 00:43:02,288
but fucking Portland?
You know? I mean...
674
00:43:02,371 --> 00:43:04,999
Those people, it's just, it's too much.
675
00:43:05,082 --> 00:43:08,460
Like they're very passive aggressive,
very woke,
676
00:43:08,544 --> 00:43:12,214
and I was just in there, and they're just
looking at you, judging you.
677
00:43:12,298 --> 00:43:14,633
And I was in there two weeks ago.
Two weeks ago!
678
00:43:14,717 --> 00:43:17,344
I had to go in there.
I went to a coffee shop,
679
00:43:17,428 --> 00:43:21,098
and I didn't know
that you still had to wear a mask
680
00:43:21,181 --> 00:43:23,934
because I was like,
it's present-day America,
681
00:43:24,018 --> 00:43:26,604
and you know,
the barista's just like this,
682
00:43:26,687 --> 00:43:28,188
she's going like this.
683
00:43:28,272 --> 00:43:31,233
She keeps doing this. I was like,
"I don't know what you're doing."
684
00:43:31,317 --> 00:43:32,693
Like, she's just going like that.
685
00:43:32,776 --> 00:43:36,071
I was like, "I don't know sign language.
I'm sorry, I should be better,
686
00:43:36,155 --> 00:43:38,490
I'm a white piece of shit.
I know, I'm sorry.
687
00:43:38,574 --> 00:43:40,784
I'm not anti-sign.
What do you want me to do?"
688
00:43:40,868 --> 00:43:44,163
And she just wasn't talking,
she just kept going like this.
689
00:43:44,246 --> 00:43:47,791
I was like, "What are you trying
to tell me, lady? Just use your words!"
690
00:43:47,875 --> 00:43:51,086
And then she was like,
"You need to put on a mask!"
691
00:43:51,170 --> 00:43:54,298
I was like, "Oh, okay.
You should have just said that!"
692
00:43:54,381 --> 00:43:58,886
So I was like, "Okay." And I'm just
politely putting on a mask,
693
00:43:58,969 --> 00:44:01,680
and I was like "I'm sorry,
I'm from New York, and...
694
00:44:01,764 --> 00:44:05,225
we don't have the masks there anymore."
695
00:44:05,309 --> 00:44:10,481
And she was like, "Well, here in Portland,
we still take COVID very seriously."
696
00:44:10,564 --> 00:44:13,150
I was like, "You seem like a fun person.
You really do.
697
00:44:13,233 --> 00:44:15,611
You just seem like a real ball of laughs."
698
00:44:15,694 --> 00:44:18,322
And so I proceed to order my drink.
699
00:44:18,405 --> 00:44:21,700
I was like, "Can I have
a small iced coffee, black?"
700
00:44:21,784 --> 00:44:23,494
She was like, "Excuse me?"
701
00:44:23,577 --> 00:44:25,829
I was like, "Can you not hear me
through the mask?"
702
00:44:25,913 --> 00:44:30,542
I was like,
"Can I have a small iced coffee, black?"
703
00:44:30,626 --> 00:44:34,880
She was like, "Do you mean
a small iced coffee with no cream?"
704
00:44:35,714 --> 00:44:40,386
I was like, "Isn't that the same
as a small iced coffee, black?"
705
00:44:40,886 --> 00:44:43,472
She was like, "After what the
African-American community's
706
00:44:43,555 --> 00:44:45,182
been through these last two years,
707
00:44:45,265 --> 00:44:48,394
I think you need to do a better job
ordering your coffees."
708
00:44:48,894 --> 00:44:51,689
I was like,
"I'd rather be beheaded by ISIS
709
00:44:51,772 --> 00:44:55,359
than have to talk to you
for one more second."
710
00:44:55,442 --> 00:44:57,361
So I ripped that mask off,
711
00:44:57,444 --> 00:45:00,406
I walked right out of that coffee shop,
I walked two blocks down
712
00:45:00,489 --> 00:45:02,574
to another coffee shop,
walked right in, and said,
713
00:45:02,658 --> 00:45:04,660
"Can I have a small iced coffee
with no cream?"
714
00:45:04,743 --> 00:45:07,371
Because I am such a little pussy.
715
00:45:09,039 --> 00:45:11,041
But you know--
I don't know. It's what it is.
716
00:45:11,125 --> 00:45:12,376
People are just...
717
00:45:13,001 --> 00:45:15,838
Everyone's going a little nuts.
Everyone's just a little off.
718
00:45:15,921 --> 00:45:19,133
You know what I'm saying?
They're just a little off lately.
719
00:45:19,216 --> 00:45:21,135
Like I had to put my dog down.
720
00:45:21,218 --> 00:45:23,387
Listen, he lived a good life.
Eighteen years.
721
00:45:23,470 --> 00:45:26,473
Eighteen years, my dog.
Little Larry. Larry was his name.
722
00:45:27,558 --> 00:45:29,810
Eighteen years old,
but he was one of those dogs.
723
00:45:29,893 --> 00:45:32,271
He was dying for like
the past 16 years.
724
00:45:32,354 --> 00:45:35,232
Every time I'd go visit my mother--
725
00:45:35,315 --> 00:45:38,694
she had the dog-- another piece
of his body was being biopsied,
726
00:45:38,777 --> 00:45:41,280
an eye didn't work,
his head was turned over,
727
00:45:41,363 --> 00:45:42,865
he was always bleeding.
728
00:45:42,948 --> 00:45:45,993
He looks like he's fighting
in the Civil War.
729
00:45:46,076 --> 00:45:48,078
Somebody needs to put this dog down.
730
00:45:48,829 --> 00:45:50,914
It was clear this dog wanted to die.
731
00:45:50,998 --> 00:45:52,708
And I would just go visit my mom,
732
00:45:52,791 --> 00:45:54,877
and try, like, "Mom,
we need to put the dog down."
733
00:45:54,960 --> 00:45:56,837
She'd be like,
"Jesus hasn't called him yet."
734
00:45:56,920 --> 00:46:00,299
I'm like, "No, he's calling me
to tell you... I'm telling you,
735
00:46:00,382 --> 00:46:02,176
the dog wants to die so bad."
736
00:46:02,259 --> 00:46:04,636
I would come over
with a fistful of baker's chocolate.
737
00:46:04,720 --> 00:46:07,723
I'd just be like, "Who wants death
by chocolate, Larry? Come on.
738
00:46:07,806 --> 00:46:09,600
Just eat it, it's a great way to go out."
739
00:46:12,227 --> 00:46:16,440
And so finally, one day I go visit my mom,
and the dog's dying.
740
00:46:16,523 --> 00:46:19,568
I mean,
Larry's pretty much dead on the floor.
741
00:46:19,651 --> 00:46:22,446
And I'm just like,
"Let's go take the dog to the vet
742
00:46:22,529 --> 00:46:25,782
and just put it out of its misery."
She's like, "You're right, let's go."
743
00:46:25,866 --> 00:46:30,204
And it was 12 o'clock, it was midnight,
and I was fucking starving.
744
00:46:30,287 --> 00:46:34,374
So we're driving to the vet, and I see
a Wendy's out of the corner of my eye.
745
00:46:34,458 --> 00:46:37,669
I was like, "Mom, real quick, let's go.
I'll go to Wendy's real quick.
746
00:46:37,753 --> 00:46:40,881
I'll get whatever you want,"
and she's like, "No, let's go to the vet!"
747
00:46:40,964 --> 00:46:45,427
I was like, "Fine, I'll just starve then!"
I was like a disgruntled fucking teenager.
748
00:46:45,511 --> 00:46:46,762
I'm 37.
749
00:46:47,721 --> 00:46:51,558
So, we get to the vet,
and the vet is so nice.
750
00:46:51,642 --> 00:46:53,268
She's like the nicest lady ever.
751
00:46:53,352 --> 00:46:55,729
She's like, "We did our tests
on little Larry,
752
00:46:55,812 --> 00:46:58,357
and we do see that
he's at the end of his life,
753
00:46:58,440 --> 00:47:01,443
and we're just going to put a little prick
in his little paw,
754
00:47:01,527 --> 00:47:03,904
and the medicine's going
to go through in 30 seconds.
755
00:47:03,987 --> 00:47:06,615
It's going to be 30 seconds.
His little heart's going to stop,
756
00:47:06,698 --> 00:47:08,659
but he's going to go to Heaven
with all the other dogs,
757
00:47:08,742 --> 00:47:11,078
and Cruella, and everyone's up there,
758
00:47:11,161 --> 00:47:12,412
and he's going to be fine,
759
00:47:12,496 --> 00:47:15,040
he's going to be out of pain,
and this is the right thing."
760
00:47:15,123 --> 00:47:18,168
And I'm like, "Okay, fine." Because
in my head, I'm like, "30 seconds.
761
00:47:18,252 --> 00:47:20,671
By the time we do the paperwork,
everything will be good.
762
00:47:20,754 --> 00:47:23,257
You know, it's 12:30,
Wendy's does close at 2:00."
763
00:47:25,676 --> 00:47:28,554
And listen, it's what it is.
This is a 100% true story.
764
00:47:28,637 --> 00:47:32,057
So, the medicine's going through,
just like she said.
765
00:47:32,140 --> 00:47:34,643
Little prick in his paw,
it's going like a roller coaster,
766
00:47:34,726 --> 00:47:37,271
it's going to hit his little body,
stop his little heart,
767
00:47:37,354 --> 00:47:38,397
thirty seconds.
768
00:47:38,480 --> 00:47:41,149
And listen, we're all upset.
I'm upset, my mom's upset,
769
00:47:41,233 --> 00:47:44,069
and I'm just comforting her.
Comforting my mom, she's crying.
770
00:47:44,152 --> 00:47:46,405
I'm like, "Mom, this is fine."
We get down to 15 seconds, I'm like,
771
00:47:46,488 --> 00:47:48,949
"We are halfway there, Mom.
We are halfway there."
772
00:47:49,032 --> 00:47:53,870
We get to five, I started counting
out loud. I was like, "Five, four,
773
00:47:53,954 --> 00:47:58,375
three, two, one!
It's a celebration!"
774
00:47:59,459 --> 00:48:01,003
And Larry's still alive.
775
00:48:01,086 --> 00:48:04,840
He's just still alive. And I'm like,
"Okay, that happens,"
776
00:48:04,923 --> 00:48:08,218
but as time is going on,
seconds are going by,
777
00:48:08,302 --> 00:48:11,722
Larry looks like he's getting more energy,
like he's getting color back
778
00:48:11,805 --> 00:48:13,515
that he never had,
his fur used to be gray,
779
00:48:13,599 --> 00:48:15,559
now it's getting that nice orange tint,
780
00:48:15,642 --> 00:48:18,979
he's standing up on his legs
once again.
781
00:48:19,062 --> 00:48:23,150
I was like, "Wow, Larry looks
fucking good right now. What's happening?"
782
00:48:23,692 --> 00:48:27,946
Five minutes go by, and finally I say
to the vet, "Is there a problem?"
783
00:48:28,030 --> 00:48:32,326
She goes, "Absolutely."
I was like, "Oh, okay."
784
00:48:32,409 --> 00:48:36,079
She goes outside, comes back
a minute later. She goes,
785
00:48:36,163 --> 00:48:38,290
"I am so sorry."
786
00:48:38,874 --> 00:48:41,835
She was like,
"I hired a new vet tech,
787
00:48:41,918 --> 00:48:47,341
and the vet tech accidentally
gave your dog electrolytes
788
00:48:47,424 --> 00:48:49,801
because the dog next door to you
was dehydrated
789
00:48:49,885 --> 00:48:52,554
and we mixed up the medication."
790
00:48:52,638 --> 00:48:56,141
She goes, "But don't worry,
I have the right medication right here.
791
00:48:56,224 --> 00:48:58,185
He'll be dead in a second."
792
00:48:58,268 --> 00:48:59,102
I swear to God,
793
00:48:59,186 --> 00:49:01,146
as soon as she put
the right medicine in,
794
00:49:01,229 --> 00:49:02,939
he died immediately.
795
00:49:03,023 --> 00:49:06,443
It was like somebody had a sniper rifle
at the top of the fucking room
796
00:49:06,526 --> 00:49:09,237
and just shot him in the head.
Rolled over, Xs over his eyes,
797
00:49:09,321 --> 00:49:13,116
soul gone to heaven,
I had a Baconator in my hand at 1:59.
798
00:49:13,200 --> 00:49:17,079
It was fucking fantastic.
Alright, guys, thank you.
799
00:49:17,162 --> 00:49:19,665
[cheers, applause]
800
00:49:24,878 --> 00:49:28,006
You guys are the best.
You really are such a great crowd.
801
00:49:28,090 --> 00:49:31,343
Everyone's talking about you backstage.
Everybody loves you.
802
00:49:32,010 --> 00:49:34,304
We want to make it official.
We want to commit.
803
00:49:34,846 --> 00:49:40,852
Alright. This comedian is undeniably
hilarious and I love him so much.
804
00:49:40,936 --> 00:49:43,855
Ladies and gentlemen,
please welcome Lil Rel Howery!
805
00:49:44,356 --> 00:49:47,526
[cheers, applause]
806
00:49:51,405 --> 00:49:53,824
Yeah! What up?
807
00:49:56,535 --> 00:49:58,537
Netflix is a fucking joke.
808
00:49:59,371 --> 00:50:01,707
I got a whole jean...
Look, let me tell you something,
809
00:50:01,790 --> 00:50:05,627
I'm showing my age now. I'm in my 40s,
and this is what 40-year-olds do,
810
00:50:05,711 --> 00:50:08,630
they like, match a bunch of shit
that don't make no fucking sense.
811
00:50:09,548 --> 00:50:11,550
I got a whole jean suit on
with a cowboy hat.
812
00:50:11,633 --> 00:50:13,009
This is a dad outfit for real.
813
00:50:13,885 --> 00:50:16,221
I'm the cool dad!
You know who the fuck this is.
814
00:50:19,558 --> 00:50:22,853
Man, I got a 13, 12-year-old,
and a five-year-old.
815
00:50:23,729 --> 00:50:26,273
I know, man.
Like, fuck!
816
00:50:28,024 --> 00:50:30,360
You know what's funny?
Like when I was a younger parent,
817
00:50:30,444 --> 00:50:32,446
I tried to do all the things
the right way.
818
00:50:32,529 --> 00:50:35,323
Now I don't really give a fuck no more.
You know what I'm saying?
819
00:50:35,407 --> 00:50:37,659
My five-year-old, we went
to one of those jumpy things,
820
00:50:37,743 --> 00:50:39,995
he peed in that shit.
I was like, "Oh shit, let's just go."
821
00:50:40,078 --> 00:50:41,455
You know what I mean? I ain't...
822
00:50:41,538 --> 00:50:44,207
I ain't changing, we just walking
the fuck out of here.
823
00:50:44,291 --> 00:50:46,251
He was leaking the whole time.
Nobody seen shit.
824
00:50:46,334 --> 00:50:47,711
"Come on, y'all!"
825
00:50:49,921 --> 00:50:51,339
Damn!
826
00:50:51,882 --> 00:50:54,176
Hate being a fucking new dad again.
827
00:50:55,969 --> 00:50:57,679
Carrying their fucking car seat.
828
00:50:58,597 --> 00:51:01,391
People downplay that.
Nobody realizes how heavy it is
829
00:51:01,475 --> 00:51:05,687
to carry a human being
with one fucking arm. That's stupid!
830
00:51:07,022 --> 00:51:09,483
I don't give a shit, as long as they
strapped in, I'm going to carry that shit
831
00:51:09,566 --> 00:51:13,403
the best way I can. If you upside down,
fuck it. I'm like, "Fuck it."
832
00:51:13,487 --> 00:51:15,697
No, I can't go to jail!
He good, he's strapped in!
833
00:51:16,323 --> 00:51:18,325
As long as he don't fall out, we good!
834
00:51:21,745 --> 00:51:24,581
My daughter's 13,
she's a fucking teenager now.
835
00:51:25,791 --> 00:51:27,292
She got the period.
836
00:51:28,668 --> 00:51:30,545
That's right, it happened with me.
I was hoping...
837
00:51:30,629 --> 00:51:32,672
I was like,
"Damn, you got to be with me? Shit."
838
00:51:32,756 --> 00:51:35,550
Because I'm a divorced dad, so like,
it was my time, and I'm like,
839
00:51:35,634 --> 00:51:37,344
"Wait a minute, why the fuck...?
840
00:51:37,427 --> 00:51:39,721
I ain't ready for this."
You know what I mean?
841
00:51:39,805 --> 00:51:42,599
I tried my best, but I didn't know what
to get. I ain't going to lie to you.
842
00:51:42,682 --> 00:51:43,975
I went to the store
and got everything.
843
00:51:44,059 --> 00:51:45,435
I didn't know what the fuck to get.
844
00:51:45,519 --> 00:51:47,729
That lady was ringing me up like,
"You got a shelter or something?
845
00:51:47,813 --> 00:51:49,898
What you got all these
different sizes for?
846
00:51:49,981 --> 00:51:53,193
What the fuck you got going on, sir?
What the fuck you got going on, sir?"
847
00:51:55,946 --> 00:51:57,113
I ain't fucking know.
848
00:51:58,156 --> 00:52:01,451
I'm like, "Let me get the...
the pad that absorb the most."
849
00:52:01,535 --> 00:52:03,870
Man, we stupid, that's what
we think, right?
850
00:52:03,954 --> 00:52:05,997
We think, "Get the shit that absorb
the most."
851
00:52:06,081 --> 00:52:08,917
And when I put all this shit on the table,
she like, "Uh, Dad,
852
00:52:09,000 --> 00:52:11,127
this is for Grandma,
I don't know what the fuck...
853
00:52:11,920 --> 00:52:14,339
you think I've got going on.
I'm 13, sir."
854
00:52:16,174 --> 00:52:18,885
"You don't want the one
that absorb the most?"
855
00:52:18,969 --> 00:52:21,179
Like my son was there with me,
and he was confused, too.
856
00:52:21,263 --> 00:52:23,974
We was looking at this shit, and
I took everything out of the box,
857
00:52:24,057 --> 00:52:26,601
he playing with the shit...
"Put this shit down, stop playing, boy!"
858
00:52:27,269 --> 00:52:28,770
Ain't no fucking lightsaber.
859
00:52:31,731 --> 00:52:34,150
But he was like,
"Dad, you know something?
860
00:52:34,234 --> 00:52:36,361
I would want the grandma one."
861
00:52:38,280 --> 00:52:39,447
And I thought about that.
862
00:52:39,531 --> 00:52:41,324
That's how little boys
fucking think, right?
863
00:52:41,408 --> 00:52:44,202
Little girls, like, y'all don't want
nobody to know you're on your period.
864
00:52:44,286 --> 00:52:46,246
You want something to hide that shit.
865
00:52:46,329 --> 00:52:48,498
Little boys ain't shit.
If little boys had periods,
866
00:52:49,040 --> 00:52:51,585
they'd want everybody to know
they had the fattest shit here.
867
00:52:51,668 --> 00:52:53,837
"Yeah, I'm on my period,
what the fuck you talking about?
868
00:52:53,920 --> 00:52:55,964
Y'all need to take me home,
I can't go to school today,
869
00:52:56,047 --> 00:52:57,507
I'm on my period!
870
00:52:57,591 --> 00:53:01,052
I'm sleepy, I'm hungry, I'm tired,
I can't focus. I'm fucked up!"
871
00:53:08,852 --> 00:53:12,439
Learning too much about women
because I've got a fucking 13-year-old.
872
00:53:14,274 --> 00:53:16,234
We go bra shopping and shit.
873
00:53:16,318 --> 00:53:18,486
I didn't realize
it was about y'all's backs.
874
00:53:19,571 --> 00:53:25,035
Fellas, for a long time, you thought it
was about the titty meat, nope!
875
00:53:25,619 --> 00:53:28,622
That number's about how big
their fucking backs is, so...
876
00:53:28,705 --> 00:53:30,916
if you see a Double D out here,
it ain't about the titties,
877
00:53:30,999 --> 00:53:33,043
she got a big-ass back.
I'm just being honest.
878
00:53:34,044 --> 00:53:35,420
If you ain't know.
879
00:53:37,589 --> 00:53:39,758
It was weird, too,
I forget I was doing a stand-up show.
880
00:53:39,841 --> 00:53:41,217
You start thinking about real shit,
881
00:53:41,301 --> 00:53:44,179
like "Goddamn, I got to figure
this Legoland situation out."
882
00:53:47,432 --> 00:53:50,936
Fuck, you got a 13, 12, and 5-year-old,
the 5-year-old can't get on shit.
883
00:53:51,019 --> 00:53:53,146
And that means I can't get on shit.
884
00:53:53,688 --> 00:53:55,732
They get to have fun,
like the 13 and 12-year-old,
885
00:53:55,815 --> 00:53:58,360
they get to have a good-ass time.
I'm watching this motherfucker.
886
00:53:58,443 --> 00:53:59,986
I'm sorry, that's my kid, but...
887
00:54:02,989 --> 00:54:05,116
Doing some regular shit,
some little bridge,
888
00:54:05,200 --> 00:54:07,160
some dumb car that's slow as fuck.
889
00:54:08,411 --> 00:54:10,997
They do all the, "Dad, we got
on the roller coaster!"
890
00:54:11,081 --> 00:54:13,541
"Shut the fuck up!
Fuck y'all."
891
00:54:17,462 --> 00:54:18,546
Yeah, that's real.
892
00:54:19,756 --> 00:54:22,175
But my son, my 12-year-old,
he's like my best friend,
893
00:54:22,258 --> 00:54:24,427
the oldest, he's...
he's a lot like me,
894
00:54:24,511 --> 00:54:27,889
and I love that shit. I love the fact
that this brother is like me.
895
00:54:27,973 --> 00:54:30,809
Like, if he wasn't my kid,
we would be best fucking friends.
896
00:54:30,892 --> 00:54:32,936
If we was the same age,
I fucks with him.
897
00:54:33,728 --> 00:54:36,022
That's why I don't even know
how to help him sometimes.
898
00:54:36,106 --> 00:54:37,941
You know what I mean?
He going through, like--
899
00:54:38,024 --> 00:54:39,776
12-year-old boys, look, it depends,
900
00:54:39,859 --> 00:54:42,570
but boys do go through a
little weird stinking period, right?
901
00:54:42,654 --> 00:54:45,323
Where they just don't wash their ass
well enough.
902
00:54:45,865 --> 00:54:48,910
And his mama called me like,
"Yo, you got to talk to him,
903
00:54:48,994 --> 00:54:52,038
He doesn't care.
He's putting on the same clothes."
904
00:54:53,248 --> 00:54:56,376
And it's hard to talk to your best friend
about him stinking.
905
00:54:59,129 --> 00:55:00,922
Like, "Damn, brother, we got to talk."
906
00:55:01,006 --> 00:55:03,383
You try to play the game
with them a little bit and shit?
907
00:55:03,466 --> 00:55:05,885
Making little jokes,
"This is fun, right?"
908
00:55:06,886 --> 00:55:08,847
[deep sigh]
909
00:55:09,681 --> 00:55:11,766
Look, your mama say
you have musty balls.
910
00:55:13,018 --> 00:55:16,771
Would you just wash that shit so we ain't
got to talk about this shit again, please?
911
00:55:16,855 --> 00:55:19,691
I bought you some new socks.
Stop wearing the same stinking-ass socks.
912
00:55:22,610 --> 00:55:24,487
Alright, well, that's it. I'm done!
913
00:55:25,488 --> 00:55:27,907
Thank y'all so much.
I'm Lil Rel, that's my time.
914
00:55:27,991 --> 00:55:30,994
[cheers, applause]
915
00:55:33,580 --> 00:55:35,540
Lil Rel, let him hear it!
916
00:55:38,877 --> 00:55:40,295
You're such a great crowd,
917
00:55:40,378 --> 00:55:43,006
I want to say
goodnight by thanking our families
918
00:55:43,089 --> 00:55:47,761
who made us who we are, and provided us
with all of this material.
919
00:55:48,470 --> 00:55:52,265
Please give it up one more time
for Chris DiStefano.
920
00:55:53,141 --> 00:55:55,685
[cheers, applause]
921
00:55:57,395 --> 00:55:58,438
That's you.
922
00:55:58,521 --> 00:56:01,107
-Oh, look at what a nice guy you were.
-[Chris] Yeah.
923
00:56:01,191 --> 00:56:05,195
What happened?
Oh, okay. Well anyway, Ron Funches!
924
00:56:05,278 --> 00:56:07,572
[cheers, applause]
925
00:56:09,532 --> 00:56:12,869
Christina P!
Give it up!
926
00:56:14,287 --> 00:56:15,830
Jaye McBride!
927
00:56:17,665 --> 00:56:20,627
Oh, Jaye, you're cute!
928
00:56:21,044 --> 00:56:22,879
Rachel Feinstein!
929
00:56:22,962 --> 00:56:24,631
[cheers, applause]
930
00:56:24,714 --> 00:56:27,258
And one more time for Lil Rel Howery.
931
00:56:27,801 --> 00:56:30,887
-[cheers, applause]
-[Amy] Aw!
932
00:56:32,013 --> 00:56:33,389
We're cute!
933
00:56:33,473 --> 00:56:36,226
One more time for everybody.
Thank you, goodnight!
934
00:56:41,940 --> 00:56:46,402
Isn't it funny that we all have known each
other for like years and years?
935
00:56:46,486 --> 00:56:48,154
We really don't know anything.
936
00:56:48,238 --> 00:56:50,240
We don't know anything
about each other.
937
00:56:50,323 --> 00:56:53,243
We talk about where we grew up on stage,
we just don't pay attention.
938
00:56:53,326 --> 00:56:56,454
Right, like I learned so much like,
talking to other comics about,
939
00:56:56,538 --> 00:57:00,542
"You went to film school?"
Like, I know nothing.
940
00:57:11,094 --> 00:57:14,180
My son wrote a sketch.
And it was really funny,
941
00:57:14,264 --> 00:57:16,808
and he like kind of
dissed me at the same time.
942
00:57:16,891 --> 00:57:18,935
Like, "Dad, I want you to be
in the sketch,
943
00:57:19,018 --> 00:57:21,938
I want you to do the voice you do
in movies when you get really high-pitched
944
00:57:22,021 --> 00:57:24,607
and don't sound how you sound in
real life." Like, "Damn, what that mean?"
945
00:57:24,691 --> 00:57:25,775
Wow. Yeah.
946
00:57:32,907 --> 00:57:34,784
It's so easy!