WEBVTT FILE

1
00:00:02.000 --> 00:00:07.000
Downloaded from
YTS.MX

2
00:00:08.000 --> 00:00:13.000
Official YIFY movies site:
YTS.MX

3
00:00:10.969 --> 00:00:14.264
[tranquil drum and bass music plays]

4
00:00:50.967 --> 00:00:52.510
[comedian] We had a golden retriever.

5
00:00:52.594 --> 00:00:55.138
Yes, and you guys know me,
I don't see race,

6
00:00:55.221 --> 00:00:57.348
but I think we all know
that's a white dog.

7
00:00:57.432 --> 00:00:59.184
[audience laughs]

8
00:01:04.731 --> 00:01:06.232
Again, sit that one out.

9
00:01:07.692 --> 00:01:11.821
Sexting. As a dyslexic adult,
sexting, that is the hurdle.

10
00:01:16.868 --> 00:01:19.662
I was dating a woman.
She was a strong feminist.

11
00:01:20.163 --> 00:01:22.123
We would sext,
and I obviously wanted to turn her on

12
00:01:22.207 --> 00:01:24.751
but I also wanted her to know
that I was an ally.

13
00:01:25.627 --> 00:01:27.921
One time, she sent me a sext.
She's like, "How you gonna fuck me?"

14
00:01:28.004 --> 00:01:29.631
I'm like,
"Like you deserve an equal wage."

15
00:01:29.714 --> 00:01:30.715
[laughter]

16
00:01:30.799 --> 00:01:32.300
Thank you guys very much.

17
00:01:32.383 --> 00:01:35.386
[applause, whooping]

18
00:01:35.470 --> 00:01:38.264
Come on, you guys.
Show your love for Phil Hanley.

19
00:01:38.348 --> 00:01:40.141
-[clapping, cheering]
-Hell, yeah.

20
00:01:40.225 --> 00:01:44.020
Folks, I know I told you
that Phil was the final comic,

21
00:01:44.103 --> 00:01:45.396
but this is why I always say

22
00:01:45.480 --> 00:01:47.816
when you make the choice
to come to the Comedy Cellar,

23
00:01:47.899 --> 00:01:50.902
you always make a really good choice
'cause you never know who's gonna stop by.

24
00:01:50.985 --> 00:01:55.073
Ladies and gentlemen, show your love
for Aziz Ansari, y'all. Show your love.

25
00:01:55.156 --> 00:01:56.783
[loud applause, cheering]

26
00:02:05.583 --> 00:02:08.044
[applause, cheering continues]

27
00:02:10.004 --> 00:02:11.464
Thank you, thank you.

28
00:02:11.548 --> 00:02:15.593
Thanks, thanks, thanks, thanks.
Thanks, thanks.

29
00:02:15.677 --> 00:02:17.387
No way!

30
00:02:17.470 --> 00:02:20.431
-[audience cheers, applauds]
-[Aziz laughs]

31
00:02:21.975 --> 00:02:24.352
Oh, wow, wow. Thanks, thanks.

32
00:02:24.435 --> 00:02:26.020
Wow. Man.

33
00:02:26.104 --> 00:02:28.273
No, I-- You know, I love doing these sets.

34
00:02:28.356 --> 00:02:32.402
You guys had no clue I was coming,
and you don't even know what I'm gonna do.

35
00:02:32.485 --> 00:02:37.198
You know, I could just be terrible
for ten minutes and then go home,

36
00:02:37.282 --> 00:02:39.993
and I wouldn't feel that bad, you know?

37
00:02:40.076 --> 00:02:42.328
Still a pretty good deal, right?

38
00:02:42.412 --> 00:02:43.413
[audience] Yeah!

39
00:02:43.496 --> 00:02:45.748
Yeah, I mean, I like doing nice theaters
and everything,

40
00:02:45.832 --> 00:02:49.794
but sometimes, you gotta come back
and compete with chicken wings.

41
00:02:53.590 --> 00:02:56.342
Ah, but it's nice to be here.
Nice to be back in New York.

42
00:02:56.426 --> 00:02:58.845
You know, I don't live here no more.
I live in London, and--

43
00:02:58.928 --> 00:02:59.929
-[person whoops]
-Yeah.

44
00:03:00.013 --> 00:03:02.891
I like it there,
but it's nice to be back in New York.

45
00:03:02.974 --> 00:03:06.060
Always a lot of love for me here.
Sometimes too much love, you know.

46
00:03:06.144 --> 00:03:08.730
The other day I went to a restaurant
and there was a line.

47
00:03:08.813 --> 00:03:11.065
Everybody was checking
their COVID passes and stuff.

48
00:03:11.149 --> 00:03:13.401
I walked up and the guy was like,
"Oh, Aziz, you're all good, bro.

49
00:03:13.484 --> 00:03:14.652
Just come on in."

50
00:03:14.736 --> 00:03:17.030
And I was like, "No, no, no, no, no."

51
00:03:17.822 --> 00:03:19.365
Please check my pass.

52
00:03:19.449 --> 00:03:24.621
Uh, I'm not out here trying to have dinner
with Kyrie Irving and Nicki Minaj.

53
00:03:25.330 --> 00:03:27.916
I got an extra ten seconds. Please."

54
00:03:30.251 --> 00:03:31.669
We're all pretty close, man.

55
00:03:31.753 --> 00:03:34.631
You guys had to show
your COVID pass, right? Yeah.

56
00:03:34.714 --> 00:03:37.800
Or your easily obtainable fake COVID pass.

57
00:03:39.093 --> 00:03:41.429
Who designed these things, man?

58
00:03:41.512 --> 00:03:45.058
Can't we get the squad that did
the McDonald's Monopoly pieces?

59
00:03:46.559 --> 00:03:49.395
Those have so much more security.

60
00:03:49.479 --> 00:03:53.399
There's like holograms and shit.
You go into a McDonald's, they're like,

61
00:03:53.483 --> 00:03:57.153
"This isn't Pennsylvania Avenue.
Get this shit out of here."

62
00:03:58.738 --> 00:04:01.449
COVID pass team was like,
"White paper, black lines.

63
00:04:01.532 --> 00:04:03.034
I think we're done, Jim."

64
00:04:09.791 --> 00:04:12.502
I mean, in theory,
we're all vaccinated, right?

65
00:04:14.379 --> 00:04:18.675
At this point, like,
96% of doctors are vaccinated,

66
00:04:18.758 --> 00:04:21.469
and I feel like, at this point,
if you don't want the vaccine,

67
00:04:21.552 --> 00:04:24.389
you're kind of like
a white dude with dreadlocks.

68
00:04:24.472 --> 00:04:28.184
Yeah, I'm sure there's some people
telling you it's a good idea,

69
00:04:29.686 --> 00:04:33.189
but pretty soon, the people around you
aren't gonna be able to breathe.

70
00:04:36.859 --> 00:04:41.572
I got-- You know, I was in London
and I got one shot of AstraZeneca,

71
00:04:41.656 --> 00:04:43.533
then I had to come to LA for something,

72
00:04:43.616 --> 00:04:46.536
and I called my doctor. I was like,
"Should I just get the Johnson & Johnson?"

73
00:04:46.619 --> 00:04:48.913
He's like, "Yeah, go ahead and get it
so you're fully vaxxed."

74
00:04:48.997 --> 00:04:52.834
So then I got Johnson & Johnson,
and then, recently I got a booster.

75
00:04:52.917 --> 00:04:54.210
I got a Pfizer.

76
00:04:54.294 --> 00:04:56.296
So, I got a lot going on.

77
00:05:00.800 --> 00:05:04.512
I'm like one of those DJ Khaled songs
with way too many features.

78
00:05:07.390 --> 00:05:08.641
"Another one."

79
00:05:13.980 --> 00:05:17.066
People go in on the folks that
don't want the vaccine though, right?

80
00:05:17.150 --> 00:05:20.862
Who's that guy, a football player?
Aaron Rodgers. Yeah.

81
00:05:20.945 --> 00:05:22.905
-What do you think about that guy?
-[audience boos]

82
00:05:22.989 --> 00:05:24.699
-[person] Fuck him.
-Fuck him!

83
00:05:26.576 --> 00:05:29.579
People hate that guy, though.
"He's a fucking idiot!"

84
00:05:29.662 --> 00:05:31.748
It's like, all right. Calm down.

85
00:05:31.831 --> 00:05:33.750
He's a football player.

86
00:05:33.833 --> 00:05:38.046
He read some articles, he got skeptical,
he did some research.

87
00:05:38.129 --> 00:05:41.049
Are you stunned
he came to the wrong conclusion?

88
00:05:42.800 --> 00:05:45.636
Did you really think
he was gonna crack the case?

89
00:05:46.596 --> 00:05:48.639
Did you think
Fauci was gonna be out there like,

90
00:05:48.723 --> 00:05:51.392
"I just got off the phone
with Aaron Rodgers"?

91
00:05:56.439 --> 00:05:57.982
This poor guy.

92
00:05:58.066 --> 00:05:59.692
It's like we're all in high school

93
00:05:59.776 --> 00:06:03.780
and we're making fun of the quarterback
for doing bad on the science test.

94
00:06:03.863 --> 00:06:05.823
"You're a dummy, Aaron. You're a dummy.

95
00:06:05.907 --> 00:06:08.868
You don't know anything, do you?
You're a dum-dum."

96
00:06:09.911 --> 00:06:13.081
This guy makes a living
getting hit in the head.

97
00:06:13.164 --> 00:06:14.624
Can we cut him a break?

98
00:06:17.418 --> 00:06:18.961
I guess he did kind of lie, right?

99
00:06:19.045 --> 00:06:23.007
They were like, "Dude, are you
vaccinated?" He was like, "I… [blabbers]

100
00:06:23.591 --> 00:06:26.511
I'm immunized. I… [blabbers]

101
00:06:26.594 --> 00:06:31.015
My doctor gave me some powders
from Jamba Juice and I…"

102
00:06:31.933 --> 00:06:35.561
He did come off a little arrogant in
some of those interviews and stuff, right?

103
00:06:35.645 --> 00:06:38.773
He was out there, he's like,
"You know, I'm a critical thinker."

104
00:06:39.899 --> 00:06:41.192
Oh, no.

105
00:06:41.275 --> 00:06:43.486
Was he, like, running
the scientific method?

106
00:06:44.612 --> 00:06:48.491
"Question: Should I get the vaccine?
Hypothesis: I don't think so.

107
00:06:52.245 --> 00:06:56.124
Data gathering: Listen to some podcasts
and talking to a few sketchy doctors.

108
00:06:56.207 --> 00:06:58.084
Conclusion: No way, José."

109
00:07:02.171 --> 00:07:04.632
I don't think he's an idiot, though, okay?

110
00:07:04.715 --> 00:07:07.051
I don't think him, Nicki Minaj,
any of these people are idiots.

111
00:07:07.135 --> 00:07:08.970
I'm not here to say that, okay?

112
00:07:09.053 --> 00:07:13.850
And I just think they're trapped
in a different algorithm than you are.

113
00:07:14.517 --> 00:07:15.810
You know what I mean by that?

114
00:07:15.893 --> 00:07:18.729
And If you're calling them idiots,
you're trapped in another algorithm.

115
00:07:18.813 --> 00:07:21.023
I know everything
you're gonna say about everything.

116
00:07:21.107 --> 00:07:23.401
"All these dummies.
They're taking horse medicine."

117
00:07:23.484 --> 00:07:27.738
All right, well, technically,
humans can take that medicine, all right?

118
00:07:27.822 --> 00:07:30.324
Yes, there's nothing showing
it actually helps with COVID,

119
00:07:30.408 --> 00:07:32.577
but when you just say
they're taking horse medicine,

120
00:07:32.660 --> 00:07:34.287
it pushes them further away.

121
00:07:34.370 --> 00:07:35.413
I don't know, man.

122
00:07:35.496 --> 00:07:37.999
We just gotta figure out some way
to have some empathy.

123
00:07:38.082 --> 00:07:40.376
We're all kinda just trapped
in our own little world.

124
00:07:40.460 --> 00:07:43.379
And unless we figure out how to
talk to each other in real life again,

125
00:07:43.463 --> 00:07:46.257
it doesn't matter what the problem is.
I don't know what the answer is.

126
00:07:46.340 --> 00:07:48.885
Maybe click on some of the stuff
they click on for a few days.

127
00:07:48.968 --> 00:07:50.219
See what's going on.

128
00:07:50.303 --> 00:07:51.846
Don't go too hard, though.

129
00:07:52.763 --> 00:07:56.142
End of the week, you'll be out there like,
"Fauci's a pedophile."

130
00:08:01.022 --> 00:08:05.109
I'm just saying, this current strategy,
just shaming people, isn't gonna work.

131
00:08:05.193 --> 00:08:08.196
Like, you see these videos people make
shaming anti-vax people?

132
00:08:08.279 --> 00:08:11.741
They take all their tweets and stuff.
The video always goes the same way, right?

133
00:08:11.824 --> 00:08:15.203
It shows tweets like, "This COVID thing's
a hoax. I'm never wearing a mask.

134
00:08:15.286 --> 00:08:18.039
Fuck these mandates.
Open everything up already.

135
00:08:18.122 --> 00:08:21.167
Oh, God, I just tested positive.
I'm in the hospital."

136
00:08:21.250 --> 00:08:23.753
And then their cousin writes, "They died."

137
00:08:24.837 --> 00:08:28.174
And then the person that made the video
is like… [triumphant laughter]

138
00:08:28.674 --> 00:08:30.092
Yeah, that's gonna help.

139
00:08:35.973 --> 00:08:40.436
You know, my uncle didn't get the vaccine,
and he passed away.

140
00:08:40.520 --> 00:08:41.979
It was very sad.

141
00:08:42.063 --> 00:08:45.858
My dad talked to him four days before
and was begging him to get the vaccine,

142
00:08:45.942 --> 00:08:47.527
and he didn't want to do it.

143
00:08:47.610 --> 00:08:50.196
It was very sad.
My dad has a lot of siblings.

144
00:08:50.279 --> 00:08:54.492
I was talking to my aunt and she was like,
"I can't believe one of us is gone."

145
00:08:54.575 --> 00:08:57.161
It broke my heart.
You know, I could hear it in her voice.

146
00:08:57.245 --> 00:09:00.456
How she felt it was preventable,
like it didn't need to happen.

147
00:09:00.540 --> 00:09:03.543
You know, I don't think
my uncle's an idiot, all right?

148
00:09:03.626 --> 00:09:08.256
I just think he got-- he got hit
by this other thing we created now,

149
00:09:08.339 --> 00:09:12.635
which is a culture where the flow of
information has been completely corrupted.

150
00:09:12.718 --> 00:09:14.720
Think about
the biggest companies in the world.

151
00:09:14.804 --> 00:09:16.597
They're all making money off information.

152
00:09:16.681 --> 00:09:19.684
So, of course, people are making money
off disinformation.

153
00:09:19.767 --> 00:09:22.937
That's why the skepticism is there.
People are making money off of it.

154
00:09:23.020 --> 00:09:25.314
People aren't normally this skeptical
of the medical community.

155
00:09:25.398 --> 00:09:27.692
Think about all the crazy things
you've done in your life,

156
00:09:27.775 --> 00:09:30.570
'cause the doctor told you to.
You never asked no questions.

157
00:09:30.653 --> 00:09:33.948
Look at Ice Cube.
Ice Cube doesn't want to get the vaccine.

158
00:09:34.031 --> 00:09:36.450
He was supposed to do this movie
called Oh Hell No,

159
00:09:36.534 --> 00:09:40.413
which, sadly, we'll never see, and, um…

160
00:09:45.251 --> 00:09:48.546
He was supposed to get the vaccine
and he wouldn't do it.

161
00:09:48.629 --> 00:09:50.464
But you know what's weird?

162
00:09:50.548 --> 00:09:55.011
A few months before the pandemic,
Ice Cube got a colonoscopy.

163
00:09:55.761 --> 00:09:57.930
[quietly] You know what a colonoscopy is?

164
00:09:58.848 --> 00:10:01.017
Basically, Ice Cube went to the doctor.

165
00:10:01.100 --> 00:10:03.686
The doctor was like,
"Hey, you got a problem in your stomach

166
00:10:03.769 --> 00:10:05.271
and we need to do a colonoscopy."

167
00:10:05.354 --> 00:10:06.981
And he was like, "What's that?"

168
00:10:07.064 --> 00:10:11.319
And they were like,
"Uh, well, sit down, Ice Cube.

169
00:10:13.821 --> 00:10:16.324
Basically, you need
to drink a gallon of fluid

170
00:10:16.407 --> 00:10:18.326
and just shit out everything in your body.

171
00:10:18.409 --> 00:10:20.119
Just clean out your system, right?

172
00:10:20.202 --> 00:10:23.205
Next day, you come in,
we'll put you under,

173
00:10:23.289 --> 00:10:25.333
and we'll shove a rubber hose
up your asshole

174
00:10:25.416 --> 00:10:27.001
that's got a camera on the end of it

175
00:10:27.084 --> 00:10:29.128
and we'll go in there
and film for a few hours

176
00:10:29.211 --> 00:10:31.380
and see what's going on,
and we'll run some tests,

177
00:10:31.464 --> 00:10:33.716
and when we're done, we'll wake you up."

178
00:10:33.799 --> 00:10:34.800
And he was like,

179
00:10:34.884 --> 00:10:37.261
"All right, well, do what you gotta do."

180
00:10:38.220 --> 00:10:40.473
He didn't say any of the shit
he's saying now.

181
00:10:40.556 --> 00:10:43.809
He wasn't out there like,
"I don't understand the science."

182
00:10:44.435 --> 00:10:47.813
He wasn't out there like,
"My butthole, my rights." No.

183
00:10:48.397 --> 00:10:53.152
He was passed out
with four strangers around him.

184
00:10:53.235 --> 00:10:55.196
They're like,
"We're having a little trouble."

185
00:10:55.279 --> 00:10:57.740
He's like, "You can do it,
put your back into it."

186
00:11:01.160 --> 00:11:03.704
They were in there for hours.

187
00:11:03.788 --> 00:11:05.790
For hours!

188
00:11:05.873 --> 00:11:09.251
What were they doing?
Filming a limited series?

189
00:11:09.335 --> 00:11:13.964
Does season two of Queen's Gambit
take place in Ice Cube's large intestine?

190
00:11:20.596 --> 00:11:23.557
I don't know
if Ice Cube's had a colonoscopy, uh,

191
00:11:25.017 --> 00:11:26.018
but…

192
00:11:28.687 --> 00:11:29.688
he's…

193
00:11:30.898 --> 00:11:34.610
he's over 45 years old.
He should've had one. It's--

194
00:11:34.693 --> 00:11:39.156
It's a screening colonoscopy
to make sure you don't have colon cancer.

195
00:11:39.240 --> 00:11:41.867
So, let's hope my joke is true.

196
00:11:46.205 --> 00:11:47.832
You know, one cool thing,

197
00:11:47.915 --> 00:11:51.585
you know, after lockdown and everything,
a lot of people stood up for themselves.

198
00:11:51.669 --> 00:11:54.672
In terms of their job, they reassessed
their lives and their work life,

199
00:11:54.755 --> 00:11:57.633
and, you know, they were like,
"Look, man, if you don't pay me right,

200
00:11:57.716 --> 00:12:00.219
you don't give me these benefits,
I'm gonna leave."

201
00:12:00.302 --> 00:12:03.305
And the companies are like,
"All right, then, leave.

202
00:12:03.931 --> 00:12:07.101
We'll just get other people
that aren't as good at the job,

203
00:12:07.184 --> 00:12:10.771
and then everything in the world
will be a little bit shittier."

204
00:12:10.855 --> 00:12:12.314
And that's what it is now, right?

205
00:12:12.398 --> 00:12:15.109
Like, everything is just
a little bit shittier, like, everywhere.

206
00:12:15.192 --> 00:12:17.319
Like, there's never enough people around.

207
00:12:17.403 --> 00:12:20.197
Everyone just running like,
"It's my first day!"

208
00:12:22.783 --> 00:12:25.661
Even here, tonight,
things are a little bit shittier.

209
00:12:25.744 --> 00:12:28.998
There's just not enough people.
You know what I mean?

210
00:12:30.583 --> 00:12:34.420
Everything is a little bit shittier
and, you know what, we fucking deserve it,

211
00:12:34.503 --> 00:12:37.006
'cause we took all these people
for granted, man.

212
00:12:37.089 --> 00:12:39.341
They all worked so hard,
wasn't getting paid proper,

213
00:12:39.425 --> 00:12:42.052
still not getting paid proper,
and we just take 'em for granted.

214
00:12:42.136 --> 00:12:43.596
Of course they're getting screwed over.

215
00:12:43.679 --> 00:12:45.890
We all know
they're getting screwed over, right?

216
00:12:45.973 --> 00:12:49.310
Think about it. How can you sell
a cheeseburger for 99 cents?

217
00:12:49.393 --> 00:12:51.854
How can you do that?
If I gave you 99 cents and said,

218
00:12:51.937 --> 00:12:55.608
"Make me a cheeseburger,"
what the fuck would you do?

219
00:12:55.691 --> 00:12:57.902
They're screwing everybody,
from the guy in the meat factory

220
00:12:57.985 --> 00:12:59.987
to the guy
that actually sells you the burger.

221
00:13:00.070 --> 00:13:01.655
And now, you got to admit,

222
00:13:01.739 --> 00:13:04.241
there's no such thing
as an unskilled worker.

223
00:13:04.325 --> 00:13:07.328
If you go to a Wendy's
and everything goes according to plan,

224
00:13:07.411 --> 00:13:10.789
there were some skilled people
in that Wendy's, 'cause now…

225
00:13:12.958 --> 00:13:14.668
now, you go in there,

226
00:13:14.752 --> 00:13:17.630
every Frosty comes with a free nugget,
all right?

227
00:13:19.048 --> 00:13:22.301
I support all these people that are
striking and all this shit, 'cause--

228
00:13:22.384 --> 00:13:23.594
I mean, God.

229
00:13:23.677 --> 00:13:25.721
I hope they bring 'em back
and pay 'em proper

230
00:13:25.804 --> 00:13:27.598
'cause it's rough out there sometimes.

231
00:13:27.681 --> 00:13:31.227
You ever been out to, like, a Chipotle
in Pennsylvania, like, right now?

232
00:13:31.310 --> 00:13:35.272
It's intense. You go in there,
it's like the Chipotle got COVID.

233
00:13:35.898 --> 00:13:39.902
You go in there, just two dudes like…
[screaming, groaning]

234
00:13:39.985 --> 00:13:42.154
"Give me the peas!" [groans]

235
00:13:42.238 --> 00:13:45.533
And then you walk up, you're like,
"Um, can I have some extra guacamole?"

236
00:13:45.616 --> 00:13:48.369
And they're like,
"We don't have any guacamole!

237
00:13:48.953 --> 00:13:52.831
There's an avocado shortage
and our guacamole guy quit last week,

238
00:13:52.915 --> 00:13:57.419
and now he makes $50,000 a year
doing guacamole videos on TikTok!"

239
00:14:06.178 --> 00:14:08.806
Sometimes, I wonder
if I'm messing up at my job.

240
00:14:08.889 --> 00:14:11.392
Not the stand-up stuff.
I'm talking more in a bigger sense.

241
00:14:11.475 --> 00:14:12.810
Every day, I look at the news,

242
00:14:12.893 --> 00:14:16.522
I see some article about
some actor celebrity selling some company

243
00:14:16.605 --> 00:14:19.775
for hundreds of millions of dollars
that has nothing to do with what they do.

244
00:14:19.858 --> 00:14:23.696
I'm not getting involved in any of this.
I don't have a beverage.

245
00:14:23.779 --> 00:14:25.322
No skin care line.

246
00:14:25.406 --> 00:14:27.283
Skin care? I could easily get into that.

247
00:14:27.366 --> 00:14:31.453
I'm Indian. I'm gonna have good skin.
I could easily trick the whites.

248
00:14:31.537 --> 00:14:35.666
"Oh, it's a coconut oil from my great
grandmother's village, and I've been…

249
00:14:37.126 --> 00:14:40.212
It's how I maintain
this youthful Indian glow."

250
00:14:43.716 --> 00:14:47.344
All my friends in the industry,
they're hip to it. They all want a piece.

251
00:14:47.428 --> 00:14:49.471
No one wants to make The Chronic.

252
00:14:49.555 --> 00:14:52.600
Everybody wants
to make Beats by Dre headphones.

253
00:14:52.683 --> 00:14:54.518
You ever see an interview
with Drake or something?

254
00:14:54.602 --> 00:14:56.729
They'll be like, "Drake,
what's going on with your new album?"

255
00:14:56.812 --> 00:14:59.648
"My new album?
What about my new health care system?

256
00:14:59.732 --> 00:15:02.735
Yeah, I'm opening up OVO Hospitals
all over the country.

257
00:15:02.818 --> 00:15:06.530
We've got nurses wearing OVO gear,
we got the best doctors in the game."

258
00:15:06.614 --> 00:15:08.073
Got a beat of all these doctors, like…

259
00:15:08.157 --> 00:15:11.368
♪ I got my eyes on you ♪

260
00:15:14.705 --> 00:15:18.667
I mean, I'm an okay comedian.
I'm a terrible businessman.

261
00:15:19.710 --> 00:15:24.173
I'm up here for free right now. Kevin Hart
would never be up here for free, okay?

262
00:15:24.256 --> 00:15:25.841
If Kevin were up here right now,

263
00:15:25.925 --> 00:15:29.970
it would be livestreaming
to his new lawn mower or something.

264
00:15:30.971 --> 00:15:33.432
"Yeah, I'm partnering up
with my friends over at John Deere

265
00:15:33.515 --> 00:15:34.975
and every time you mow your grass,

266
00:15:35.059 --> 00:15:37.895
a hologram of me pops up
and I'm doing my new stand-up special.

267
00:15:37.978 --> 00:15:39.772
It's called,
Kevin Hart, Man, This is Crazy,

268
00:15:39.855 --> 00:15:42.483
I'm Doing Stand-up
While You Mow Your Grass"!

269
00:15:47.529 --> 00:15:50.407
I'm not judging any of those people.
It's just not for me, you know.

270
00:15:50.491 --> 00:15:53.452
I remember, one time in my career,
I felt like I was doing too much.

271
00:15:53.535 --> 00:15:58.082
I felt a little stretched thin,
and I ran into Frank Ocean at a party,

272
00:15:58.165 --> 00:16:00.668
and I was like,
"Frank, how do you do it, man?

273
00:16:00.751 --> 00:16:02.920
Never do any press, you barely tour,

274
00:16:03.003 --> 00:16:05.422
and you only put out your music
when you really want to.

275
00:16:05.506 --> 00:16:06.590
What's the secret?"

276
00:16:06.674 --> 00:16:07.925
And he said, "Oh, man,

277
00:16:08.008 --> 00:16:11.679
you just got to be comfortable
making less money, that's all."

278
00:16:11.762 --> 00:16:13.889
And I was like, "Oh, shit.

279
00:16:15.224 --> 00:16:17.476
Make less money, you say?

280
00:16:18.310 --> 00:16:19.520
[breathes heavily]

281
00:16:19.603 --> 00:16:21.397
Never thought about that."

282
00:16:24.316 --> 00:16:25.526
But I did.

283
00:16:26.360 --> 00:16:29.530
And I still do. You see me.
I don't do a lot of stuff.

284
00:16:29.613 --> 00:16:32.449
I just do the stuff I really care about,
you know?

285
00:16:32.533 --> 00:16:33.909
And, Frank…

286
00:16:34.910 --> 00:16:37.579
Frank started a jewelry line,
so I don't know.

287
00:16:38.330 --> 00:16:40.040
Guess he changed his mind.

288
00:16:41.542 --> 00:16:44.545
"Oh, shit, I got too comfortable
making less money."

289
00:16:47.923 --> 00:16:50.759
Last time I was in New York,
it was right before the election.

290
00:16:50.843 --> 00:16:54.430
That was an interesting time, right?
Everyone had all this energy, you know.

291
00:16:54.513 --> 00:16:56.849
Everyone was out there like,
"We gotta do something!

292
00:16:56.932 --> 00:16:59.601
We gotta stop Trump,
and we've gotta save the planet!

293
00:16:59.685 --> 00:17:01.353
We gotta do everything we can!"

294
00:17:01.437 --> 00:17:04.064
And then, Trump lost,
and it was like, "We did it!

295
00:17:04.148 --> 00:17:06.692
Let's make the world a better place!"

296
00:17:06.775 --> 00:17:10.154
And I come back two years later.
It's the same shitty place.

297
00:17:10.821 --> 00:17:14.658
It just feels like
we unfollowed him from Twitter. That's it.

298
00:17:14.742 --> 00:17:17.494
You just see him less.
You know what I mean?

299
00:17:18.370 --> 00:17:21.123
And I'm not saying
him and Joe Biden are the same thing.

300
00:17:21.206 --> 00:17:24.418
Don't hit me with that. I get him.
Yeah, infrastructure, I know.

301
00:17:24.501 --> 00:17:28.714
I'm just saying, what happened to us?
What happened to all that energy?

302
00:17:28.797 --> 00:17:30.924
How come we can't channel that now,
you know?

303
00:17:31.008 --> 00:17:34.344
Why aren't we out there like, "We gotta
help all these people after COVID.

304
00:17:34.428 --> 00:17:36.430
There's so many people
that are displaced."

305
00:17:36.513 --> 00:17:37.890
No, people aren't doing that.

306
00:17:37.973 --> 00:17:41.518
People are just out there like,
"I wish I put more money in crypto."

307
00:17:46.065 --> 00:17:47.983
"Matthias, are you going
to that event tonight?

308
00:17:48.067 --> 00:17:49.985
There's, like, this pop-up
for this new collaboration

309
00:17:50.069 --> 00:17:52.613
that Travis Scott's doing
with, like, Citibank and Chips Ahoy

310
00:17:52.696 --> 00:17:54.948
and they're selling these, like,
limited edition Chips Ahoy

311
00:17:55.032 --> 00:17:56.658
designed by these, like, emerging artists,

312
00:17:56.742 --> 00:17:59.244
and, like, whenever you go, you get, like,
this limited edition tote bag

313
00:17:59.328 --> 00:18:01.080
with, like, these limited edition T-shirts

314
00:18:01.163 --> 00:18:03.832
designed by these, like, eco-friendly
emerging streetwear brands,

315
00:18:03.916 --> 00:18:06.543
and when you come home,
the tote bag, like, turns into an NFT

316
00:18:06.627 --> 00:18:10.547
and, like, the NFT starts deejaying
and it's all sustainable."

317
00:18:20.307 --> 00:18:22.518
You know who's worse than Trump?

318
00:18:22.601 --> 00:18:26.438
All of us, just collectively,
you know, the human race.

319
00:18:26.522 --> 00:18:31.610
If you really step back and look at us,
kind of a shitty group of people, right?

320
00:18:31.693 --> 00:18:35.155
Like, what do you see when you step back?
You see, like, 30 people, right?

321
00:18:35.239 --> 00:18:37.574
Twenty people are doing okay,
and ten people are like,

322
00:18:37.658 --> 00:18:40.953
"We don't have clean drinking water
or much else. We're having a hard time."

323
00:18:41.036 --> 00:18:42.246
The other 20 people are like,

324
00:18:42.329 --> 00:18:46.041
"I don't know, you live pretty far away.
I'm not sure what you want me to do.

325
00:18:46.125 --> 00:18:48.001
You're not really part of our crew,
you know?

326
00:18:48.085 --> 00:18:49.086
I mean, I hear you,

327
00:18:49.169 --> 00:18:51.588
but, you know, I ordered groceries
on my phone six minutes ago

328
00:18:51.672 --> 00:18:53.549
and they're still not here, so…

329
00:18:54.216 --> 00:18:56.135
I'm hungry too. [exhales]

330
00:18:56.885 --> 00:19:00.347
You know, I got my problems.
I washed my duvet cover the other day.

331
00:19:00.430 --> 00:19:03.142
I tried to put the duvet back on.
You ever done some shit like that?

332
00:19:03.225 --> 00:19:06.562
You ever been putting the duvet on,
realize the buttons are on the other side

333
00:19:06.645 --> 00:19:10.274
and you had to flip it out
and start over again? Perspective."

334
00:19:15.028 --> 00:19:17.406
It's pretty dark
if you just take a step back,

335
00:19:17.489 --> 00:19:20.200
and you really think about
how much suffering and poverty

336
00:19:20.284 --> 00:19:24.496
and starvation and death we just tolerate
'cause it's out of sight, out of mind.

337
00:19:24.580 --> 00:19:26.081
Even in our own country.

338
00:19:26.165 --> 00:19:29.251
Homelessness, et cetera,
we could fix it all just like that.

339
00:19:29.334 --> 00:19:30.794
You know how I know?

340
00:19:31.295 --> 00:19:32.546
'Cause two years ago,

341
00:19:32.629 --> 00:19:36.300
people in rich countries
started dying of a mysterious illness.

342
00:19:36.383 --> 00:19:37.926
And what did we do?

343
00:19:38.010 --> 00:19:41.972
We shut down the earth for two years!

344
00:19:42.055 --> 00:19:46.518
Every single one of us
stayed in our fucking house every day.

345
00:19:46.602 --> 00:19:47.936
We didn't even go to work.

346
00:19:48.020 --> 00:19:50.647
"No, don't go to work!
We'll just send you money every week!"

347
00:19:50.731 --> 00:19:52.524
"What? But what if this keeps going?"

348
00:19:52.608 --> 00:19:55.068
"We'll just keep sending
you money every week!"

349
00:19:55.152 --> 00:19:56.737
"What if it's six months, a year?"

350
00:19:56.820 --> 00:19:59.823
"We'll just keep sending you money!
Just stay in your house!"

351
00:19:59.907 --> 00:20:03.285
"You have that much money?"
"Yes! Just stay in the house!"

352
00:20:04.578 --> 00:20:07.414
That's how much we have.

353
00:20:07.497 --> 00:20:13.420
There's a guy outside right now with a cup
asking if anybody has a dollar to spare.

354
00:20:13.503 --> 00:20:16.965
We have so much.
We just don't wanna give it to him.

355
00:20:18.258 --> 00:20:20.135
Why don't we wanna solve
all these problems?

356
00:20:20.219 --> 00:20:22.137
One, it doesn't affect us, and two,

357
00:20:22.221 --> 00:20:24.389
they don't give us no content.

358
00:20:24.473 --> 00:20:26.475
We gotta have the content.

359
00:20:26.558 --> 00:20:29.186
Why did everyone get so riled up
about Trump?

360
00:20:29.269 --> 00:20:30.938
Dude delivered the content.

361
00:20:31.021 --> 00:20:35.108
Say what you will about that man,
the content was amazing.

362
00:20:36.610 --> 00:20:40.656
Day one he comes out, "I hate Mexicans."
I was like, "Oh, shit!

363
00:20:41.406 --> 00:20:44.785
This is way better than
any of those Obama speeches."

364
00:20:45.452 --> 00:20:48.789
I mean, it's horrible,
but very captivating.

365
00:20:49.831 --> 00:20:53.543
That's why I'm so puzzled by these people
that are like, "Fuck Joe Biden."

366
00:20:53.627 --> 00:20:56.964
I'm like, "Based on what?
I never even see this dude."

367
00:20:57.047 --> 00:20:59.883
What are you mad about?
Where's the content?

368
00:20:59.967 --> 00:21:03.595
What, that time he almost fell once?
What are you talking about?

369
00:21:03.679 --> 00:21:06.515
You hate Kamala Harris?
I've never even seen her.

370
00:21:06.598 --> 00:21:09.142
I was so excited, she's, like, Indian.

371
00:21:09.226 --> 00:21:12.938
There's, like, more footage of Bigfoot
than Kamala Harris, okay?

372
00:21:13.021 --> 00:21:14.231
This lady's--

373
00:21:14.940 --> 00:21:16.149
I've never seen her.

374
00:21:16.233 --> 00:21:18.485
There was that one piece of content
in the beginning

375
00:21:18.568 --> 00:21:22.030
where she's like, "We did it, Joe!"
And then she's gone.

376
00:21:22.948 --> 00:21:27.119
She-- She disappeared like
the original mom from The Fresh Prince.

377
00:21:28.870 --> 00:21:31.123
[whooping]

378
00:21:36.211 --> 00:21:38.463
Gotta have the content.

379
00:21:38.547 --> 00:21:40.966
If you don't have the content,
you don't have the Internet.

380
00:21:41.049 --> 00:21:43.343
You don't have the Internet,
you don't have the culture.

381
00:21:43.427 --> 00:21:46.305
The culture decides
what we actually end up doing, right?

382
00:21:46.388 --> 00:21:48.932
Some of these things I've been
talking about, they're too boring.

383
00:21:49.016 --> 00:21:52.269
Wouldn't work in the system we have,
right? You put them in there, be like,

384
00:21:52.352 --> 00:21:55.772
"If we just figured out clean sanitation
in the developing world, we'd be able to…

385
00:21:55.856 --> 00:21:57.399
[blows raspberry]

386
00:21:58.317 --> 00:22:01.028
There's a lot of sweatshop labor
out there still, and if we could…

387
00:22:01.111 --> 00:22:02.863
[blows raspberry]

388
00:22:02.946 --> 00:22:06.658
Timothée Chalamet threw a boba tea at
some Asian guy in Washington Square Park."

389
00:22:06.742 --> 00:22:08.452
"Wait, what?

390
00:22:09.494 --> 00:22:11.413
Why did he do that?

391
00:22:11.496 --> 00:22:13.332
Does he not like Asian people?

392
00:22:13.415 --> 00:22:16.168
Then why is he drinking boba tea?
That's, like, an Asian beverage.

393
00:22:16.251 --> 00:22:19.296
What are in those gelatinous globules
inside a boba tea?

394
00:22:19.379 --> 00:22:21.715
I have so many questions."

395
00:22:22.716 --> 00:22:24.843
Next day, Chalamet drops a statement.

396
00:22:24.926 --> 00:22:29.431
"Oh, my God. To all my fans and everybody,
I didn't mean to throw that boba tea.

397
00:22:29.514 --> 00:22:31.266
I was walking in the park and I slipped,

398
00:22:31.349 --> 00:22:33.143
and the boba tea
was dislodged from my hand

399
00:22:33.226 --> 00:22:34.978
and hit this poor gentleman in the face.

400
00:22:35.062 --> 00:22:39.191
I have no ill will to him or anyone
in the Asian community or any community.

401
00:22:39.274 --> 00:22:41.234
I'm so deeply sorry."

402
00:22:42.861 --> 00:22:45.447
[exhales] "I thought he was a good dude."

403
00:22:46.615 --> 00:22:49.910
Two days later, though,
video leaks of Chalamet.

404
00:22:49.993 --> 00:22:51.244
This dude didn't slip.

405
00:22:51.328 --> 00:22:53.955
He was rearing back.
He went in on this guy.

406
00:22:54.039 --> 00:22:57.125
"What the fuck? Did you see that clip?"
"Yeah, that's so messed up.

407
00:22:57.209 --> 00:22:58.210
I can't believe it."

408
00:22:58.293 --> 00:23:00.796
"Did you see that article
that came out today?" "What?"

409
00:23:00.879 --> 00:23:03.090
"There was another article."
"What'd it say?"

410
00:23:03.173 --> 00:23:06.176
"Apparently, that wasn't Chalamet.
It was some other hipster dude

411
00:23:06.259 --> 00:23:08.762
and they did a deepfake
to make it look like Chalamet."

412
00:23:08.845 --> 00:23:10.472
"Are you serious?" "Yes!"

413
00:23:10.555 --> 00:23:13.892
"Is he still gonna be in Dune 2?"
"I don't know." "What should we do?"

414
00:23:13.975 --> 00:23:17.354
"Let's keep track of this and keep talking
about it every day for two weeks,

415
00:23:17.437 --> 00:23:20.273
even though
it has nothing to do with our lives."

416
00:23:27.072 --> 00:23:28.490
And that's us, man.

417
00:23:30.534 --> 00:23:33.161
We just live in the comments threads now.

418
00:23:35.080 --> 00:23:37.916
Doesn't that feel like
the last, like, ten years?

419
00:23:37.999 --> 00:23:41.294
We get sucked into one of these loops,
we're in there for a couple weeks,

420
00:23:41.378 --> 00:23:43.213
we get out,
and we're on to the next thing,

421
00:23:43.296 --> 00:23:47.134
spending all this mental energy on these
things that end up going away anyway.

422
00:23:47.217 --> 00:23:48.426
Oof.

423
00:23:48.510 --> 00:23:50.303
That's why it's weird to me
when people are like,

424
00:23:50.387 --> 00:23:53.682
"Oh, the vaccine's gonna put a microchip
in me and turn me into a robot."

425
00:23:53.765 --> 00:23:57.102
It's like,
don't you realize we already got got?

426
00:23:59.771 --> 00:24:02.858
You know,
how much more robotic could we be?

427
00:24:02.941 --> 00:24:06.903
Don't you know everything
everyone's gonna say about everything?

428
00:24:06.987 --> 00:24:08.905
You know, they already got us
a long time ago,

429
00:24:08.989 --> 00:24:12.367
'cause these companies making the money
were thinking 40, 50 steps ahead.

430
00:24:12.450 --> 00:24:14.452
They're way savvier
than we give them credit for.

431
00:24:14.536 --> 00:24:15.829
Like China. China doesn't go,

432
00:24:15.912 --> 00:24:19.916
"Hey, we're working on facial recognition
technology and we need your face."

433
00:24:20.000 --> 00:24:22.085
No, 'cause everyone would be like,
"No way, China.

434
00:24:22.169 --> 00:24:25.672
I'm not giving you my face.
See, my face is my rights."

435
00:24:26.339 --> 00:24:28.466
But China doesn't ask like that.

436
00:24:29.801 --> 00:24:33.930
China goes, "Hey, wanna see
what you'd look like when you're old?"

437
00:24:35.599 --> 00:24:36.892
[laughing, clapping]

438
00:24:36.975 --> 00:24:38.852
"Me when I'm old?

439
00:24:38.935 --> 00:24:41.855
Well, yeah! What do I need to do?"
"Just give us your face."

440
00:24:41.938 --> 00:24:44.441
"Oh, cool. Take my face!
Take my face! Take my face!"

441
00:24:53.867 --> 00:24:58.038
Clap if you feel like you're on the phone
or on your Internet too much.

442
00:24:58.121 --> 00:24:59.664
Clap if you feel that way.

443
00:25:03.460 --> 00:25:07.631
I mean, I'm clapping with you.
That was damn near everybody.

444
00:25:08.215 --> 00:25:09.382
I feel it, man.

445
00:25:09.466 --> 00:25:13.887
Has anybody done anything to try to curb
the amount of phone and Internet time?

446
00:25:13.970 --> 00:25:17.140
Raise your hand if you've done anything
to try to stop yourself a little bit.

447
00:25:17.224 --> 00:25:20.227
-What did you do, miss?
-I set a time limit.

448
00:25:20.310 --> 00:25:23.563
You set the time limit. I know this trick.
A little screen time thing.

449
00:25:23.647 --> 00:25:26.066
Thing pops up.
"You've hit your daily limit."

450
00:25:26.149 --> 00:25:28.944
You're like,
"Get out of here! I'm still going!"

451
00:25:29.736 --> 00:25:32.447
That doesn't work.
What else do you guys do?

452
00:25:32.530 --> 00:25:35.951
Raise your hands if you do something else.
Anything else? What do you do, sir?

453
00:25:36.034 --> 00:25:37.244
[person] Deleted Instagram.

454
00:25:37.327 --> 00:25:39.788
Deleted Instagram. Yeah, I did that.

455
00:25:39.871 --> 00:25:43.166
Like, seven years ago, I deleted
all my shit from my phone and everything.

456
00:25:43.250 --> 00:25:47.462
I mean, I still have the accounts,
but it's not me, it's some lady. Um…

457
00:25:49.756 --> 00:25:52.300
But, you know, I felt this thing.
You know what I mean?

458
00:25:52.384 --> 00:25:53.969
I've been feeling this for a long time.

459
00:25:54.052 --> 00:25:55.929
And I've done all these things
you are talking about,

460
00:25:56.012 --> 00:25:58.348
and I kept going further
and further and further

461
00:25:58.431 --> 00:26:00.725
until where, now,
I finally feel a little bit better.

462
00:26:00.809 --> 00:26:05.188
And you know what I had to do?
I had to join Team Flip.

463
00:26:05.272 --> 00:26:06.856
[audience exclaims]

464
00:26:06.940 --> 00:26:11.361
Team Flip. It's a bit extreme,
but I tell you what, man.

465
00:26:11.444 --> 00:26:12.904
You get your mind back.

466
00:26:12.988 --> 00:26:16.116
You can see through the fog.
You can go wherever you wanna go.

467
00:26:16.199 --> 00:26:20.203
You just gotta write down detailed
directions before you leave your house.

468
00:26:20.287 --> 00:26:22.539
It's tough to get around sometimes.

469
00:26:23.373 --> 00:26:25.625
I mean, I can't do anything on that thing.

470
00:26:25.709 --> 00:26:28.878
I can just call people and text,
and if I wanna text,

471
00:26:28.962 --> 00:26:33.300
I really gotta wanna say what I'm saying,
'cause it takes a minute.

472
00:26:33.383 --> 00:26:35.260
I'm on that T9 life.

473
00:26:38.138 --> 00:26:41.891
I just-- I had to let go, you know?
It was getting too much for me.

474
00:26:41.975 --> 00:26:45.937
I remember one time I had a moment--
Maybe you had moments like this.

475
00:26:46.021 --> 00:26:47.856
I was talking to my mom on the phone,

476
00:26:47.939 --> 00:26:52.694
and it was when I had the smartphone
and I was on speakerphone, talking to her.

477
00:26:52.777 --> 00:26:56.698
And then, um, you know, at some point,
I was, like, reading stuff on the Internet

478
00:26:56.781 --> 00:26:58.616
and she was like, "What are you doing?

479
00:26:58.700 --> 00:27:01.036
Are you listening to me?
Are you reading something?"

480
00:27:01.119 --> 00:27:02.245
And I was like, "Yeah."

481
00:27:03.496 --> 00:27:05.081
She's like, "What are you reading?"

482
00:27:05.165 --> 00:27:06.249
And I was like,

483
00:27:06.333 --> 00:27:08.918
"Ten things Sean Paul can't live without."

484
00:27:14.758 --> 00:27:16.343
She's like, "What? I'm your mother.

485
00:27:16.426 --> 00:27:19.012
I'm calling you on the phone.
That's not very nice."

486
00:27:19.971 --> 00:27:22.515
"You wanna know some of the things?"

487
00:27:27.103 --> 00:27:30.607
I was in my apartment last week
and I was looking through these boxes

488
00:27:30.690 --> 00:27:35.528
and I found this old videotape
and it was footage of me from 20 years ago

489
00:27:35.612 --> 00:27:38.406
when I'd been doing stand-up
for just, like, a few weeks.

490
00:27:38.490 --> 00:27:42.869
This other NYU kid was doing
a documentary about me and it was so wild.

491
00:27:42.952 --> 00:27:45.997
I was, like, in my dorm room,
writing jokes in a little notebook

492
00:27:46.081 --> 00:27:49.000
and I took the NYU bus,
came down to Washington Square Park,

493
00:27:49.084 --> 00:27:51.544
walked through the park,
came down MacDougal Street

494
00:27:51.628 --> 00:27:54.964
and walked down those steps right here,
and then I came on this stage.

495
00:27:55.048 --> 00:27:56.216
This very same spot.

496
00:27:56.299 --> 00:27:59.552
This is actually the first place
I ever did stand-up in my entire life.

497
00:27:59.636 --> 00:28:03.306
And I realized, "Oh, man,
that's kind of exactly what I did today."

498
00:28:03.390 --> 00:28:05.809
You know? I was in my apartment.
I was writing some jokes.

499
00:28:05.892 --> 00:28:10.188
I walked all the way down here,
got to the cellar. Let the manager know…

500
00:28:10.271 --> 00:28:13.274
[imitates button clicking]

501
00:28:26.704 --> 00:28:28.081
"I'm here."

502
00:28:28.998 --> 00:28:31.376
[electronic music plays]

503
00:28:38.800 --> 00:28:40.468
How am I doing on time?

504
00:28:40.552 --> 00:28:44.097
All right, man's giving me the twirl,
so I guess I got--

505
00:28:44.180 --> 00:28:47.225
-[audience] Aw.
-They want more! They want more.

506
00:28:47.308 --> 00:28:50.103
[clapping]

507
00:28:50.186 --> 00:28:52.605
Ay, ay, ay, actually,
if you really want more,

508
00:28:52.689 --> 00:28:56.067
I'm running out of friends
and I gotta bring three people every week.

509
00:28:56.151 --> 00:28:59.696
My name is Aziz.
Come back-- When, next week?

510
00:29:00.488 --> 00:29:04.451
-Next week, say you're here to see Aziz.
-[audience applauds, cheers]

511
00:29:06.035 --> 00:29:08.830
[mid tempo electronic music plays]