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Downloaded from
YTS.MX

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Official YIFY movies site:
YTS.MX

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[tranquil drum and bass music plays]

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[comedian] We had a golden retriever.

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Yes, and you guys know me,
I don't see race,

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but I think we all know
that's a white dog.

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[audience laughs]

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Again, sit that one out.

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Sexting. As a dyslexic adult,
sexting, that is the hurdle.

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I was dating a woman.
She was a strong feminist.

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We would sext,
and I obviously wanted to turn her on

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but I also wanted her to know
that I was an ally.

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One time, she sent me a sext.
She's like, "How you gonna fuck me?"

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I'm like,
"Like you deserve an equal wage."

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[laughter]

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Thank you guys very much.

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[applause, whooping]

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Come on, you guys.
Show your love for Phil Hanley.

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-[clapping, cheering]
-Hell, yeah.

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Folks, I know I told you
that Phil was the final comic,

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but this is why I always say

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when you make the choice
to come to the Comedy Cellar,

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you always make a really good choice
'cause you never know who's gonna stop by.

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Ladies and gentlemen, show your love
for Aziz Ansari, y'all. Show your love.

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[loud applause, cheering]

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[applause, cheering continues]

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Thank you, thank you.

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Thanks, thanks, thanks, thanks.
Thanks, thanks.

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No way!

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-[audience cheers, applauds]
-[Aziz laughs]

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Oh, wow, wow. Thanks, thanks.

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Wow. Man.

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No, I-- You know, I love doing these sets.

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You guys had no clue I was coming,
and you don't even know what I'm gonna do.

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You know, I could just be terrible
for ten minutes and then go home,

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and I wouldn't feel that bad, you know?

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Still a pretty good deal, right?

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[audience] Yeah!

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Yeah, I mean, I like doing nice theaters
and everything,

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but sometimes, you gotta come back
and compete with chicken wings.

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Ah, but it's nice to be here.
Nice to be back in New York.

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You know, I don't live here no more.
I live in London, and--

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-[person whoops]
-Yeah.

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I like it there,
but it's nice to be back in New York.

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Always a lot of love for me here.
Sometimes too much love, you know.

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The other day I went to a restaurant
and there was a line.

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Everybody was checking
their COVID passes and stuff.

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I walked up and the guy was like,
"Oh, Aziz, you're all good, bro.

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Just come on in."

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And I was like, "No, no, no, no, no."

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Please check my pass.

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Uh, I'm not out here trying to have dinner
with Kyrie Irving and Nicki Minaj.

53
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I got an extra ten seconds. Please."

54
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We're all pretty close, man.

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You guys had to show
your COVID pass, right? Yeah.

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Or your easily obtainable fake COVID pass.

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Who designed these things, man?

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Can't we get the squad that did
the McDonald's Monopoly pieces?

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Those have so much more security.

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There's like holograms and shit.
You go into a McDonald's, they're like,

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"This isn't Pennsylvania Avenue.
Get this shit out of here."

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COVID pass team was like,
"White paper, black lines.

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I think we're done, Jim."

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I mean, in theory,
we're all vaccinated, right?

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At this point, like,
96% of doctors are vaccinated,

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and I feel like, at this point,
if you don't want the vaccine,

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you're kind of like
a white dude with dreadlocks.

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Yeah, I'm sure there's some people
telling you it's a good idea,

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but pretty soon, the people around you
aren't gonna be able to breathe.

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I got-- You know, I was in London
and I got one shot of AstraZeneca,

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then I had to come to LA for something,

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and I called my doctor. I was like,
"Should I just get the Johnson & Johnson?"

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He's like, "Yeah, go ahead and get it
so you're fully vaxxed."

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So then I got Johnson & Johnson,
and then, recently I got a booster.

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I got a Pfizer.

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So, I got a lot going on.

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I'm like one of those DJ Khaled songs
with way too many features.

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"Another one."

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People go in on the folks that
don't want the vaccine though, right?

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Who's that guy, a football player?
Aaron Rodgers. Yeah.

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-What do you think about that guy?
-[audience boos]

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-[person] Fuck him.
-Fuck him!

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People hate that guy, though.
"He's a fucking idiot!"

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It's like, all right. Calm down.

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He's a football player.

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He read some articles, he got skeptical,
he did some research.

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Are you stunned
he came to the wrong conclusion?

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Did you really think
he was gonna crack the case?

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Did you think
Fauci was gonna be out there like,

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"I just got off the phone
with Aaron Rodgers"?

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This poor guy.

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It's like we're all in high school

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and we're making fun of the quarterback
for doing bad on the science test.

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"You're a dummy, Aaron. You're a dummy.

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You don't know anything, do you?
You're a dum-dum."

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This guy makes a living
getting hit in the head.

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Can we cut him a break?

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I guess he did kind of lie, right?

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They were like, "Dude, are you
vaccinated?" He was like, "I… [blabbers]

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I'm immunized. I… [blabbers]

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My doctor gave me some powders
from Jamba Juice and I…"

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He did come off a little arrogant in
some of those interviews and stuff, right?

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He was out there, he's like,
"You know, I'm a critical thinker."

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Oh, no.

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Was he, like, running
the scientific method?

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"Question: Should I get the vaccine?
Hypothesis: I don't think so.

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Data gathering: Listen to some podcasts
and talking to a few sketchy doctors.

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Conclusion: No way, José."

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I don't think he's an idiot, though, okay?

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I don't think him, Nicki Minaj,
any of these people are idiots.

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I'm not here to say that, okay?

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And I just think they're trapped
in a different algorithm than you are.

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You know what I mean by that?

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And If you're calling them idiots,
you're trapped in another algorithm.

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I know everything
you're gonna say about everything.

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"All these dummies.
They're taking horse medicine."

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All right, well, technically,
humans can take that medicine, all right?

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Yes, there's nothing showing
it actually helps with COVID,

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but when you just say
they're taking horse medicine,

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it pushes them further away.

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I don't know, man.

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We just gotta figure out some way
to have some empathy.

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We're all kinda just trapped
in our own little world.

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And unless we figure out how to
talk to each other in real life again,

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it doesn't matter what the problem is.
I don't know what the answer is.

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Maybe click on some of the stuff
they click on for a few days.

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See what's going on.

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Don't go too hard, though.

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End of the week, you'll be out there like,
"Fauci's a pedophile."

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I'm just saying, this current strategy,
just shaming people, isn't gonna work.

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Like, you see these videos people make
shaming anti-vax people?

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They take all their tweets and stuff.
The video always goes the same way, right?

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It shows tweets like, "This COVID thing's
a hoax. I'm never wearing a mask.

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Fuck these mandates.
Open everything up already.

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Oh, God, I just tested positive.
I'm in the hospital."

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And then their cousin writes, "They died."

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And then the person that made the video
is like… [triumphant laughter]

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Yeah, that's gonna help.

139
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You know, my uncle didn't get the vaccine,
and he passed away.

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It was very sad.

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My dad talked to him four days before
and was begging him to get the vaccine,

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and he didn't want to do it.

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It was very sad.
My dad has a lot of siblings.

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I was talking to my aunt and she was like,
"I can't believe one of us is gone."

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It broke my heart.
You know, I could hear it in her voice.

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How she felt it was preventable,
like it didn't need to happen.

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You know, I don't think
my uncle's an idiot, all right?

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I just think he got-- he got hit
by this other thing we created now,

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which is a culture where the flow of
information has been completely corrupted.

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Think about
the biggest companies in the world.

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They're all making money off information.

152
00:09:16,681 --> 00:09:19,684
So, of course, people are making money
off disinformation.

153
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That's why the skepticism is there.
People are making money off of it.

154
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People aren't normally this skeptical
of the medical community.

155
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Think about all the crazy things
you've done in your life,

156
00:09:27,775 --> 00:09:30,570
'cause the doctor told you to.
You never asked no questions.

157
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Look at Ice Cube.
Ice Cube doesn't want to get the vaccine.

158
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He was supposed to do this movie
called Oh Hell No,

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which, sadly, we'll never see, and, um…

160
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He was supposed to get the vaccine
and he wouldn't do it.

161
00:09:48,629 --> 00:09:50,464
But you know what's weird?

162
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A few months before the pandemic,
Ice Cube got a colonoscopy.

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[quietly] You know what a colonoscopy is?

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Basically, Ice Cube went to the doctor.

165
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The doctor was like,
"Hey, you got a problem in your stomach

166
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and we need to do a colonoscopy."

167
00:10:05,354 --> 00:10:06,981
And he was like, "What's that?"

168
00:10:07,064 --> 00:10:11,319
And they were like,
"Uh, well, sit down, Ice Cube.

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00:10:13,821 --> 00:10:16,324
Basically, you need
to drink a gallon of fluid

170
00:10:16,407 --> 00:10:18,326
and just shit out everything in your body.

171
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Just clean out your system, right?

172
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Next day, you come in,
we'll put you under,

173
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and we'll shove a rubber hose
up your asshole

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00:10:25,416 --> 00:10:27,001
that's got a camera on the end of it

175
00:10:27,084 --> 00:10:29,128
and we'll go in there
and film for a few hours

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00:10:29,211 --> 00:10:31,380
and see what's going on,
and we'll run some tests,

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00:10:31,464 --> 00:10:33,716
and when we're done, we'll wake you up."

178
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And he was like,

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"All right, well, do what you gotta do."

180
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He didn't say any of the shit
he's saying now.

181
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He wasn't out there like,
"I don't understand the science."

182
00:10:44,435 --> 00:10:47,813
He wasn't out there like,
"My butthole, my rights." No.

183
00:10:48,397 --> 00:10:53,152
He was passed out
with four strangers around him.

184
00:10:53,235 --> 00:10:55,196
They're like,
"We're having a little trouble."

185
00:10:55,279 --> 00:10:57,740
He's like, "You can do it,
put your back into it."

186
00:11:01,160 --> 00:11:03,704
They were in there for hours.

187
00:11:03,788 --> 00:11:05,790
For hours!

188
00:11:05,873 --> 00:11:09,251
What were they doing?
Filming a limited series?

189
00:11:09,335 --> 00:11:13,964
Does season two of Queen's Gambit
take place in Ice Cube's large intestine?

190
00:11:20,596 --> 00:11:23,557
I don't know
if Ice Cube's had a colonoscopy, uh,

191
00:11:25,017 --> 00:11:26,018
but…

192
00:11:28,687 --> 00:11:29,688
he's…

193
00:11:30,898 --> 00:11:34,610
he's over 45 years old.
He should've had one. It's--

194
00:11:34,693 --> 00:11:39,156
It's a screening colonoscopy
to make sure you don't have colon cancer.

195
00:11:39,240 --> 00:11:41,867
So, let's hope my joke is true.

196
00:11:46,205 --> 00:11:47,832
You know, one cool thing,

197
00:11:47,915 --> 00:11:51,585
you know, after lockdown and everything,
a lot of people stood up for themselves.

198
00:11:51,669 --> 00:11:54,672
In terms of their job, they reassessed
their lives and their work life,

199
00:11:54,755 --> 00:11:57,633
and, you know, they were like,
"Look, man, if you don't pay me right,

200
00:11:57,716 --> 00:12:00,219
you don't give me these benefits,
I'm gonna leave."

201
00:12:00,302 --> 00:12:03,305
And the companies are like,
"All right, then, leave.

202
00:12:03,931 --> 00:12:07,101
We'll just get other people
that aren't as good at the job,

203
00:12:07,184 --> 00:12:10,771
and then everything in the world
will be a little bit shittier."

204
00:12:10,855 --> 00:12:12,314
And that's what it is now, right?

205
00:12:12,398 --> 00:12:15,109
Like, everything is just
a little bit shittier, like, everywhere.

206
00:12:15,192 --> 00:12:17,319
Like, there's never enough people around.

207
00:12:17,403 --> 00:12:20,197
Everyone just running like,
"It's my first day!"

208
00:12:22,783 --> 00:12:25,661
Even here, tonight,
things are a little bit shittier.

209
00:12:25,744 --> 00:12:28,998
There's just not enough people.
You know what I mean?

210
00:12:30,583 --> 00:12:34,420
Everything is a little bit shittier
and, you know what, we fucking deserve it,

211
00:12:34,503 --> 00:12:37,006
'cause we took all these people
for granted, man.

212
00:12:37,089 --> 00:12:39,341
They all worked so hard,
wasn't getting paid proper,

213
00:12:39,425 --> 00:12:42,052
still not getting paid proper,
and we just take 'em for granted.

214
00:12:42,136 --> 00:12:43,596
Of course they're getting screwed over.

215
00:12:43,679 --> 00:12:45,890
We all know
they're getting screwed over, right?

216
00:12:45,973 --> 00:12:49,310
Think about it. How can you sell
a cheeseburger for 99 cents?

217
00:12:49,393 --> 00:12:51,854
How can you do that?
If I gave you 99 cents and said,

218
00:12:51,937 --> 00:12:55,608
"Make me a cheeseburger,"
what the fuck would you do?

219
00:12:55,691 --> 00:12:57,902
They're screwing everybody,
from the guy in the meat factory

220
00:12:57,985 --> 00:12:59,987
to the guy
that actually sells you the burger.

221
00:13:00,070 --> 00:13:01,655
And now, you got to admit,

222
00:13:01,739 --> 00:13:04,241
there's no such thing
as an unskilled worker.

223
00:13:04,325 --> 00:13:07,328
If you go to a Wendy's
and everything goes according to plan,

224
00:13:07,411 --> 00:13:10,789
there were some skilled people
in that Wendy's, 'cause now…

225
00:13:12,958 --> 00:13:14,668
now, you go in there,

226
00:13:14,752 --> 00:13:17,630
every Frosty comes with a free nugget,
all right?

227
00:13:19,048 --> 00:13:22,301
I support all these people that are
striking and all this shit, 'cause--

228
00:13:22,384 --> 00:13:23,594
I mean, God.

229
00:13:23,677 --> 00:13:25,721
I hope they bring 'em back
and pay 'em proper

230
00:13:25,804 --> 00:13:27,598
'cause it's rough out there sometimes.

231
00:13:27,681 --> 00:13:31,227
You ever been out to, like, a Chipotle
in Pennsylvania, like, right now?

232
00:13:31,310 --> 00:13:35,272
It's intense. You go in there,
it's like the Chipotle got COVID.

233
00:13:35,898 --> 00:13:39,902
You go in there, just two dudes like…
[screaming, groaning]

234
00:13:39,985 --> 00:13:42,154
"Give me the peas!" [groans]

235
00:13:42,238 --> 00:13:45,533
And then you walk up, you're like,
"Um, can I have some extra guacamole?"

236
00:13:45,616 --> 00:13:48,369
And they're like,
"We don't have any guacamole!

237
00:13:48,953 --> 00:13:52,831
There's an avocado shortage
and our guacamole guy quit last week,

238
00:13:52,915 --> 00:13:57,419
and now he makes $50,000 a year
doing guacamole videos on TikTok!"

239
00:14:06,178 --> 00:14:08,806
Sometimes, I wonder
if I'm messing up at my job.

240
00:14:08,889 --> 00:14:11,392
Not the stand-up stuff.
I'm talking more in a bigger sense.

241
00:14:11,475 --> 00:14:12,810
Every day, I look at the news,

242
00:14:12,893 --> 00:14:16,522
I see some article about
some actor celebrity selling some company

243
00:14:16,605 --> 00:14:19,775
for hundreds of millions of dollars
that has nothing to do with what they do.

244
00:14:19,858 --> 00:14:23,696
I'm not getting involved in any of this.
I don't have a beverage.

245
00:14:23,779 --> 00:14:25,322
No skin care line.

246
00:14:25,406 --> 00:14:27,283
Skin care? I could easily get into that.

247
00:14:27,366 --> 00:14:31,453
I'm Indian. I'm gonna have good skin.
I could easily trick the whites.

248
00:14:31,537 --> 00:14:35,666
"Oh, it's a coconut oil from my great
grandmother's village, and I've been…

249
00:14:37,126 --> 00:14:40,212
It's how I maintain
this youthful Indian glow."

250
00:14:43,716 --> 00:14:47,344
All my friends in the industry,
they're hip to it. They all want a piece.

251
00:14:47,428 --> 00:14:49,471
No one wants to make The Chronic.

252
00:14:49,555 --> 00:14:52,600
Everybody wants
to make Beats by Dre headphones.

253
00:14:52,683 --> 00:14:54,518
You ever see an interview
with Drake or something?

254
00:14:54,602 --> 00:14:56,729
They'll be like, "Drake,
what's going on with your new album?"

255
00:14:56,812 --> 00:14:59,648
"My new album?
What about my new health care system?

256
00:14:59,732 --> 00:15:02,735
Yeah, I'm opening up OVO Hospitals
all over the country.

257
00:15:02,818 --> 00:15:06,530
We've got nurses wearing OVO gear,
we got the best doctors in the game."

258
00:15:06,614 --> 00:15:08,073
Got a beat of all these doctors, like…

259
00:15:08,157 --> 00:15:11,368
♪ I got my eyes on you ♪

260
00:15:14,705 --> 00:15:18,667
I mean, I'm an okay comedian.
I'm a terrible businessman.

261
00:15:19,710 --> 00:15:24,173
I'm up here for free right now. Kevin Hart
would never be up here for free, okay?

262
00:15:24,256 --> 00:15:25,841
If Kevin were up here right now,

263
00:15:25,925 --> 00:15:29,970
it would be livestreaming
to his new lawn mower or something.

264
00:15:30,971 --> 00:15:33,432
"Yeah, I'm partnering up
with my friends over at John Deere

265
00:15:33,515 --> 00:15:34,975
and every time you mow your grass,

266
00:15:35,059 --> 00:15:37,895
a hologram of me pops up
and I'm doing my new stand-up special.

267
00:15:37,978 --> 00:15:39,772
It's called,
Kevin Hart, Man, This is Crazy,

268
00:15:39,855 --> 00:15:42,483
I'm Doing Stand-up
While You Mow Your Grass"!

269
00:15:47,529 --> 00:15:50,407
I'm not judging any of those people.
It's just not for me, you know.

270
00:15:50,491 --> 00:15:53,452
I remember, one time in my career,
I felt like I was doing too much.

271
00:15:53,535 --> 00:15:58,082
I felt a little stretched thin,
and I ran into Frank Ocean at a party,

272
00:15:58,165 --> 00:16:00,668
and I was like,
"Frank, how do you do it, man?

273
00:16:00,751 --> 00:16:02,920
Never do any press, you barely tour,

274
00:16:03,003 --> 00:16:05,422
and you only put out your music
when you really want to.

275
00:16:05,506 --> 00:16:06,590
What's the secret?"

276
00:16:06,674 --> 00:16:07,925
And he said, "Oh, man,

277
00:16:08,008 --> 00:16:11,679
you just got to be comfortable
making less money, that's all."

278
00:16:11,762 --> 00:16:13,889
And I was like, "Oh, shit.

279
00:16:15,224 --> 00:16:17,476
Make less money, you say?

280
00:16:18,310 --> 00:16:19,520
[breathes heavily]

281
00:16:19,603 --> 00:16:21,397
Never thought about that."

282
00:16:24,316 --> 00:16:25,526
But I did.

283
00:16:26,360 --> 00:16:29,530
And I still do. You see me.
I don't do a lot of stuff.

284
00:16:29,613 --> 00:16:32,449
I just do the stuff I really care about,
you know?

285
00:16:32,533 --> 00:16:33,909
And, Frank…

286
00:16:34,910 --> 00:16:37,579
Frank started a jewelry line,
so I don't know.

287
00:16:38,330 --> 00:16:40,040
Guess he changed his mind.

288
00:16:41,542 --> 00:16:44,545
"Oh, shit, I got too comfortable
making less money."

289
00:16:47,923 --> 00:16:50,759
Last time I was in New York,
it was right before the election.

290
00:16:50,843 --> 00:16:54,430
That was an interesting time, right?
Everyone had all this energy, you know.

291
00:16:54,513 --> 00:16:56,849
Everyone was out there like,
"We gotta do something!

292
00:16:56,932 --> 00:16:59,601
We gotta stop Trump,
and we've gotta save the planet!

293
00:16:59,685 --> 00:17:01,353
We gotta do everything we can!"

294
00:17:01,437 --> 00:17:04,064
And then, Trump lost,
and it was like, "We did it!

295
00:17:04,148 --> 00:17:06,692
Let's make the world a better place!"

296
00:17:06,775 --> 00:17:10,154
And I come back two years later.
It's the same shitty place.

297
00:17:10,821 --> 00:17:14,658
It just feels like
we unfollowed him from Twitter. That's it.

298
00:17:14,742 --> 00:17:17,494
You just see him less.
You know what I mean?

299
00:17:18,370 --> 00:17:21,123
And I'm not saying
him and Joe Biden are the same thing.

300
00:17:21,206 --> 00:17:24,418
Don't hit me with that. I get him.
Yeah, infrastructure, I know.

301
00:17:24,501 --> 00:17:28,714
I'm just saying, what happened to us?
What happened to all that energy?

302
00:17:28,797 --> 00:17:30,924
How come we can't channel that now,
you know?

303
00:17:31,008 --> 00:17:34,344
Why aren't we out there like, "We gotta
help all these people after COVID.

304
00:17:34,428 --> 00:17:36,430
There's so many people
that are displaced."

305
00:17:36,513 --> 00:17:37,890
No, people aren't doing that.

306
00:17:37,973 --> 00:17:41,518
People are just out there like,
"I wish I put more money in crypto."

307
00:17:46,065 --> 00:17:47,983
"Matthias, are you going
to that event tonight?

308
00:17:48,067 --> 00:17:49,985
There's, like, this pop-up
for this new collaboration

309
00:17:50,069 --> 00:17:52,613
that Travis Scott's doing
with, like, Citibank and Chips Ahoy

310
00:17:52,696 --> 00:17:54,948
and they're selling these, like,
limited edition Chips Ahoy

311
00:17:55,032 --> 00:17:56,658
designed by these, like, emerging artists,

312
00:17:56,742 --> 00:17:59,244
and, like, whenever you go, you get, like,
this limited edition tote bag

313
00:17:59,328 --> 00:18:01,080
with, like, these limited edition T-shirts

314
00:18:01,163 --> 00:18:03,832
designed by these, like, eco-friendly
emerging streetwear brands,

315
00:18:03,916 --> 00:18:06,543
and when you come home,
the tote bag, like, turns into an NFT

316
00:18:06,627 --> 00:18:10,547
and, like, the NFT starts deejaying
and it's all sustainable."

317
00:18:20,307 --> 00:18:22,518
You know who's worse than Trump?

318
00:18:22,601 --> 00:18:26,438
All of us, just collectively,
you know, the human race.

319
00:18:26,522 --> 00:18:31,610
If you really step back and look at us,
kind of a shitty group of people, right?

320
00:18:31,693 --> 00:18:35,155
Like, what do you see when you step back?
You see, like, 30 people, right?

321
00:18:35,239 --> 00:18:37,574
Twenty people are doing okay,
and ten people are like,

322
00:18:37,658 --> 00:18:40,953
"We don't have clean drinking water
or much else. We're having a hard time."

323
00:18:41,036 --> 00:18:42,246
The other 20 people are like,

324
00:18:42,329 --> 00:18:46,041
"I don't know, you live pretty far away.
I'm not sure what you want me to do.

325
00:18:46,125 --> 00:18:48,001
You're not really part of our crew,
you know?

326
00:18:48,085 --> 00:18:49,086
I mean, I hear you,

327
00:18:49,169 --> 00:18:51,588
but, you know, I ordered groceries
on my phone six minutes ago

328
00:18:51,672 --> 00:18:53,549
and they're still not here, so…

329
00:18:54,216 --> 00:18:56,135
I'm hungry too. [exhales]

330
00:18:56,885 --> 00:19:00,347
You know, I got my problems.
I washed my duvet cover the other day.

331
00:19:00,430 --> 00:19:03,142
I tried to put the duvet back on.
You ever done some shit like that?

332
00:19:03,225 --> 00:19:06,562
You ever been putting the duvet on,
realize the buttons are on the other side

333
00:19:06,645 --> 00:19:10,274
and you had to flip it out
and start over again? Perspective."

334
00:19:15,028 --> 00:19:17,406
It's pretty dark
if you just take a step back,

335
00:19:17,489 --> 00:19:20,200
and you really think about
how much suffering and poverty

336
00:19:20,284 --> 00:19:24,496
and starvation and death we just tolerate
'cause it's out of sight, out of mind.

337
00:19:24,580 --> 00:19:26,081
Even in our own country.

338
00:19:26,165 --> 00:19:29,251
Homelessness, et cetera,
we could fix it all just like that.

339
00:19:29,334 --> 00:19:30,794
You know how I know?

340
00:19:31,295 --> 00:19:32,546
'Cause two years ago,

341
00:19:32,629 --> 00:19:36,300
people in rich countries
started dying of a mysterious illness.

342
00:19:36,383 --> 00:19:37,926
And what did we do?

343
00:19:38,010 --> 00:19:41,972
We shut down the earth for two years!

344
00:19:42,055 --> 00:19:46,518
Every single one of us
stayed in our fucking house every day.

345
00:19:46,602 --> 00:19:47,936
We didn't even go to work.

346
00:19:48,020 --> 00:19:50,647
"No, don't go to work!
We'll just send you money every week!"

347
00:19:50,731 --> 00:19:52,524
"What? But what if this keeps going?"

348
00:19:52,608 --> 00:19:55,068
"We'll just keep sending
you money every week!"

349
00:19:55,152 --> 00:19:56,737
"What if it's six months, a year?"

350
00:19:56,820 --> 00:19:59,823
"We'll just keep sending you money!
Just stay in your house!"

351
00:19:59,907 --> 00:20:03,285
"You have that much money?"
"Yes! Just stay in the house!"

352
00:20:04,578 --> 00:20:07,414
That's how much we have.

353
00:20:07,497 --> 00:20:13,420
There's a guy outside right now with a cup
asking if anybody has a dollar to spare.

354
00:20:13,503 --> 00:20:16,965
We have so much.
We just don't wanna give it to him.

355
00:20:18,258 --> 00:20:20,135
Why don't we wanna solve
all these problems?

356
00:20:20,219 --> 00:20:22,137
One, it doesn't affect us, and two,

357
00:20:22,221 --> 00:20:24,389
they don't give us no content.

358
00:20:24,473 --> 00:20:26,475
We gotta have the content.

359
00:20:26,558 --> 00:20:29,186
Why did everyone get so riled up
about Trump?

360
00:20:29,269 --> 00:20:30,938
Dude delivered the content.

361
00:20:31,021 --> 00:20:35,108
Say what you will about that man,
the content was amazing.

362
00:20:36,610 --> 00:20:40,656
Day one he comes out, "I hate Mexicans."
I was like, "Oh, shit!

363
00:20:41,406 --> 00:20:44,785
This is way better than
any of those Obama speeches."

364
00:20:45,452 --> 00:20:48,789
I mean, it's horrible,
but very captivating.

365
00:20:49,831 --> 00:20:53,543
That's why I'm so puzzled by these people
that are like, "Fuck Joe Biden."

366
00:20:53,627 --> 00:20:56,964
I'm like, "Based on what?
I never even see this dude."

367
00:20:57,047 --> 00:20:59,883
What are you mad about?
Where's the content?

368
00:20:59,967 --> 00:21:03,595
What, that time he almost fell once?
What are you talking about?

369
00:21:03,679 --> 00:21:06,515
You hate Kamala Harris?
I've never even seen her.

370
00:21:06,598 --> 00:21:09,142
I was so excited, she's, like, Indian.

371
00:21:09,226 --> 00:21:12,938
There's, like, more footage of Bigfoot
than Kamala Harris, okay?

372
00:21:13,021 --> 00:21:14,231
This lady's--

373
00:21:14,940 --> 00:21:16,149
I've never seen her.

374
00:21:16,233 --> 00:21:18,485
There was that one piece of content
in the beginning

375
00:21:18,568 --> 00:21:22,030
where she's like, "We did it, Joe!"
And then she's gone.

376
00:21:22,948 --> 00:21:27,119
She-- She disappeared like
the original mom from The Fresh Prince.

377
00:21:28,870 --> 00:21:31,123
[whooping]

378
00:21:36,211 --> 00:21:38,463
Gotta have the content.

379
00:21:38,547 --> 00:21:40,966
If you don't have the content,
you don't have the Internet.

380
00:21:41,049 --> 00:21:43,343
You don't have the Internet,
you don't have the culture.

381
00:21:43,427 --> 00:21:46,305
The culture decides
what we actually end up doing, right?

382
00:21:46,388 --> 00:21:48,932
Some of these things I've been
talking about, they're too boring.

383
00:21:49,016 --> 00:21:52,269
Wouldn't work in the system we have,
right? You put them in there, be like,

384
00:21:52,352 --> 00:21:55,772
"If we just figured out clean sanitation
in the developing world, we'd be able to…

385
00:21:55,856 --> 00:21:57,399
[blows raspberry]

386
00:21:58,317 --> 00:22:01,028
There's a lot of sweatshop labor
out there still, and if we could…

387
00:22:01,111 --> 00:22:02,863
[blows raspberry]

388
00:22:02,946 --> 00:22:06,658
Timothée Chalamet threw a boba tea at
some Asian guy in Washington Square Park."

389
00:22:06,742 --> 00:22:08,452
"Wait, what?

390
00:22:09,494 --> 00:22:11,413
Why did he do that?

391
00:22:11,496 --> 00:22:13,332
Does he not like Asian people?

392
00:22:13,415 --> 00:22:16,168
Then why is he drinking boba tea?
That's, like, an Asian beverage.

393
00:22:16,251 --> 00:22:19,296
What are in those gelatinous globules
inside a boba tea?

394
00:22:19,379 --> 00:22:21,715
I have so many questions."

395
00:22:22,716 --> 00:22:24,843
Next day, Chalamet drops a statement.

396
00:22:24,926 --> 00:22:29,431
"Oh, my God. To all my fans and everybody,
I didn't mean to throw that boba tea.

397
00:22:29,514 --> 00:22:31,266
I was walking in the park and I slipped,

398
00:22:31,349 --> 00:22:33,143
and the boba tea
was dislodged from my hand

399
00:22:33,226 --> 00:22:34,978
and hit this poor gentleman in the face.

400
00:22:35,062 --> 00:22:39,191
I have no ill will to him or anyone
in the Asian community or any community.

401
00:22:39,274 --> 00:22:41,234
I'm so deeply sorry."

402
00:22:42,861 --> 00:22:45,447
[exhales] "I thought he was a good dude."

403
00:22:46,615 --> 00:22:49,910
Two days later, though,
video leaks of Chalamet.

404
00:22:49,993 --> 00:22:51,244
This dude didn't slip.

405
00:22:51,328 --> 00:22:53,955
He was rearing back.
He went in on this guy.

406
00:22:54,039 --> 00:22:57,125
"What the fuck? Did you see that clip?"
"Yeah, that's so messed up.

407
00:22:57,209 --> 00:22:58,210
I can't believe it."

408
00:22:58,293 --> 00:23:00,796
"Did you see that article
that came out today?" "What?"

409
00:23:00,879 --> 00:23:03,090
"There was another article."
"What'd it say?"

410
00:23:03,173 --> 00:23:06,176
"Apparently, that wasn't Chalamet.
It was some other hipster dude

411
00:23:06,259 --> 00:23:08,762
and they did a deepfake
to make it look like Chalamet."

412
00:23:08,845 --> 00:23:10,472
"Are you serious?" "Yes!"

413
00:23:10,555 --> 00:23:13,892
"Is he still gonna be in Dune 2?"
"I don't know." "What should we do?"

414
00:23:13,975 --> 00:23:17,354
"Let's keep track of this and keep talking
about it every day for two weeks,

415
00:23:17,437 --> 00:23:20,273
even though
it has nothing to do with our lives."

416
00:23:27,072 --> 00:23:28,490
And that's us, man.

417
00:23:30,534 --> 00:23:33,161
We just live in the comments threads now.

418
00:23:35,080 --> 00:23:37,916
Doesn't that feel like
the last, like, ten years?

419
00:23:37,999 --> 00:23:41,294
We get sucked into one of these loops,
we're in there for a couple weeks,

420
00:23:41,378 --> 00:23:43,213
we get out,
and we're on to the next thing,

421
00:23:43,296 --> 00:23:47,134
spending all this mental energy on these
things that end up going away anyway.

422
00:23:47,217 --> 00:23:48,426
Oof.

423
00:23:48,510 --> 00:23:50,303
That's why it's weird to me
when people are like,

424
00:23:50,387 --> 00:23:53,682
"Oh, the vaccine's gonna put a microchip
in me and turn me into a robot."

425
00:23:53,765 --> 00:23:57,102
It's like,
don't you realize we already got got?

426
00:23:59,771 --> 00:24:02,858
You know,
how much more robotic could we be?

427
00:24:02,941 --> 00:24:06,903
Don't you know everything
everyone's gonna say about everything?

428
00:24:06,987 --> 00:24:08,905
You know, they already got us
a long time ago,

429
00:24:08,989 --> 00:24:12,367
'cause these companies making the money
were thinking 40, 50 steps ahead.

430
00:24:12,450 --> 00:24:14,452
They're way savvier
than we give them credit for.

431
00:24:14,536 --> 00:24:15,829
Like China. China doesn't go,

432
00:24:15,912 --> 00:24:19,916
"Hey, we're working on facial recognition
technology and we need your face."

433
00:24:20,000 --> 00:24:22,085
No, 'cause everyone would be like,
"No way, China.

434
00:24:22,169 --> 00:24:25,672
I'm not giving you my face.
See, my face is my rights."

435
00:24:26,339 --> 00:24:28,466
But China doesn't ask like that.

436
00:24:29,801 --> 00:24:33,930
China goes, "Hey, wanna see
what you'd look like when you're old?"

437
00:24:35,599 --> 00:24:36,892
[laughing, clapping]

438
00:24:36,975 --> 00:24:38,852
"Me when I'm old?

439
00:24:38,935 --> 00:24:41,855
Well, yeah! What do I need to do?"
"Just give us your face."

440
00:24:41,938 --> 00:24:44,441
"Oh, cool. Take my face!
Take my face! Take my face!"

441
00:24:53,867 --> 00:24:58,038
Clap if you feel like you're on the phone
or on your Internet too much.

442
00:24:58,121 --> 00:24:59,664
Clap if you feel that way.

443
00:25:03,460 --> 00:25:07,631
I mean, I'm clapping with you.
That was damn near everybody.

444
00:25:08,215 --> 00:25:09,382
I feel it, man.

445
00:25:09,466 --> 00:25:13,887
Has anybody done anything to try to curb
the amount of phone and Internet time?

446
00:25:13,970 --> 00:25:17,140
Raise your hand if you've done anything
to try to stop yourself a little bit.

447
00:25:17,224 --> 00:25:20,227
-What did you do, miss?
-I set a time limit.

448
00:25:20,310 --> 00:25:23,563
You set the time limit. I know this trick.
A little screen time thing.

449
00:25:23,647 --> 00:25:26,066
Thing pops up.
"You've hit your daily limit."

450
00:25:26,149 --> 00:25:28,944
You're like,
"Get out of here! I'm still going!"

451
00:25:29,736 --> 00:25:32,447
That doesn't work.
What else do you guys do?

452
00:25:32,530 --> 00:25:35,951
Raise your hands if you do something else.
Anything else? What do you do, sir?

453
00:25:36,034 --> 00:25:37,244
[person] Deleted Instagram.

454
00:25:37,327 --> 00:25:39,788
Deleted Instagram. Yeah, I did that.

455
00:25:39,871 --> 00:25:43,166
Like, seven years ago, I deleted
all my shit from my phone and everything.

456
00:25:43,250 --> 00:25:47,462
I mean, I still have the accounts,
but it's not me, it's some lady. Um…

457
00:25:49,756 --> 00:25:52,300
But, you know, I felt this thing.
You know what I mean?

458
00:25:52,384 --> 00:25:53,969
I've been feeling this for a long time.

459
00:25:54,052 --> 00:25:55,929
And I've done all these things
you are talking about,

460
00:25:56,012 --> 00:25:58,348
and I kept going further
and further and further

461
00:25:58,431 --> 00:26:00,725
until where, now,
I finally feel a little bit better.

462
00:26:00,809 --> 00:26:05,188
And you know what I had to do?
I had to join Team Flip.

463
00:26:05,272 --> 00:26:06,856
[audience exclaims]

464
00:26:06,940 --> 00:26:11,361
Team Flip. It's a bit extreme,
but I tell you what, man.

465
00:26:11,444 --> 00:26:12,904
You get your mind back.

466
00:26:12,988 --> 00:26:16,116
You can see through the fog.
You can go wherever you wanna go.

467
00:26:16,199 --> 00:26:20,203
You just gotta write down detailed
directions before you leave your house.

468
00:26:20,287 --> 00:26:22,539
It's tough to get around sometimes.

469
00:26:23,373 --> 00:26:25,625
I mean, I can't do anything on that thing.

470
00:26:25,709 --> 00:26:28,878
I can just call people and text,
and if I wanna text,

471
00:26:28,962 --> 00:26:33,300
I really gotta wanna say what I'm saying,
'cause it takes a minute.

472
00:26:33,383 --> 00:26:35,260
I'm on that T9 life.

473
00:26:38,138 --> 00:26:41,891
I just-- I had to let go, you know?
It was getting too much for me.

474
00:26:41,975 --> 00:26:45,937
I remember one time I had a moment--
Maybe you had moments like this.

475
00:26:46,021 --> 00:26:47,856
I was talking to my mom on the phone,

476
00:26:47,939 --> 00:26:52,694
and it was when I had the smartphone
and I was on speakerphone, talking to her.

477
00:26:52,777 --> 00:26:56,698
And then, um, you know, at some point,
I was, like, reading stuff on the Internet

478
00:26:56,781 --> 00:26:58,616
and she was like, "What are you doing?

479
00:26:58,700 --> 00:27:01,036
Are you listening to me?
Are you reading something?"

480
00:27:01,119 --> 00:27:02,245
And I was like, "Yeah."

481
00:27:03,496 --> 00:27:05,081
She's like, "What are you reading?"

482
00:27:05,165 --> 00:27:06,249
And I was like,

483
00:27:06,333 --> 00:27:08,918
"Ten things Sean Paul can't live without."

484
00:27:14,758 --> 00:27:16,343
She's like, "What? I'm your mother.

485
00:27:16,426 --> 00:27:19,012
I'm calling you on the phone.
That's not very nice."

486
00:27:19,971 --> 00:27:22,515
"You wanna know some of the things?"

487
00:27:27,103 --> 00:27:30,607
I was in my apartment last week
and I was looking through these boxes

488
00:27:30,690 --> 00:27:35,528
and I found this old videotape
and it was footage of me from 20 years ago

489
00:27:35,612 --> 00:27:38,406
when I'd been doing stand-up
for just, like, a few weeks.

490
00:27:38,490 --> 00:27:42,869
This other NYU kid was doing
a documentary about me and it was so wild.

491
00:27:42,952 --> 00:27:45,997
I was, like, in my dorm room,
writing jokes in a little notebook

492
00:27:46,081 --> 00:27:49,000
and I took the NYU bus,
came down to Washington Square Park,

493
00:27:49,084 --> 00:27:51,544
walked through the park,
came down MacDougal Street

494
00:27:51,628 --> 00:27:54,964
and walked down those steps right here,
and then I came on this stage.

495
00:27:55,048 --> 00:27:56,216
This very same spot.

496
00:27:56,299 --> 00:27:59,552
This is actually the first place
I ever did stand-up in my entire life.

497
00:27:59,636 --> 00:28:03,306
And I realized, "Oh, man,
that's kind of exactly what I did today."

498
00:28:03,390 --> 00:28:05,809
You know? I was in my apartment.
I was writing some jokes.

499
00:28:05,892 --> 00:28:10,188
I walked all the way down here,
got to the cellar. Let the manager know…

500
00:28:10,271 --> 00:28:13,274
[imitates button clicking]

501
00:28:26,704 --> 00:28:28,081
"I'm here."

502
00:28:28,998 --> 00:28:31,376
[electronic music plays]

503
00:28:38,800 --> 00:28:40,468
How am I doing on time?

504
00:28:40,552 --> 00:28:44,097
All right, man's giving me the twirl,
so I guess I got--

505
00:28:44,180 --> 00:28:47,225
-[audience] Aw.
-They want more! They want more.

506
00:28:47,308 --> 00:28:50,103
[clapping]

507
00:28:50,186 --> 00:28:52,605
Ay, ay, ay, actually,
if you really want more,

508
00:28:52,689 --> 00:28:56,067
I'm running out of friends
and I gotta bring three people every week.

509
00:28:56,151 --> 00:28:59,696
My name is Aziz.
Come back-- When, next week?

510
00:29:00,488 --> 00:29:04,451
-Next week, say you're here to see Aziz.
-[audience applauds, cheers]

511
00:29:06,035 --> 00:29:08,830
[mid tempo electronic music plays]