1
00:00:02,000 --> 00:00:07,000
Downloaded from
YTS.MX

2
00:00:08,000 --> 00:00:13,000
Official YIFY movies site:
YTS.MX

3
00:00:08,033 --> 00:00:15,234
♪ ♪

4
00:00:15,300 --> 00:00:21,901
♪ ♪

5
00:00:21,968 --> 00:00:22,567
♪ ♪

6
00:00:22,634 --> 00:00:23,801
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

7
00:00:23,868 --> 00:00:25,009
Bill: THANK YOU, MIAMI.
WOW!

8
00:00:25,033 --> 00:00:28,300
THANK YOU SO MUCH.

9
00:00:28,367 --> 00:00:29,534
I APPRECIATE THAT MORE THAN I

10
00:00:29,601 --> 00:00:30,767
CAN TELL YOU.

11
00:00:30,834 --> 00:00:33,834
THANK YOU.

12
00:00:33,901 --> 00:00:36,901
YOU'RE VERY KIND.

13
00:00:36,968 --> 00:00:38,367
THANK YOU.

14
00:00:38,434 --> 00:00:41,067
I... I APPRECIATE THAT.

15
00:00:41,133 --> 00:00:43,467
THANK YOU SO MUCH.

16
00:00:43,534 --> 00:00:44,968
THANK YOU FOR COMING OUT.

17
00:00:45,033 --> 00:00:47,000
THANK YOU FOR PUTTING UP WITH

18
00:00:47,067 --> 00:00:49,167
ALL THE, UH, PROTOCOLS THAT WE

19
00:00:49,234 --> 00:00:51,567
HAVE TO DO, BUT STILL THAT'S WHY

20
00:00:51,634 --> 00:00:53,510
I FUCKING CAME TO FLORIDA TO GET
AWAY FROM THAT SHIT.

21
00:00:53,534 --> 00:00:57,200
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

22
00:00:57,267 --> 00:00:58,634
ALL RIGHT.

23
00:00:58,701 --> 00:00:59,300
WHAT I MEANT TO SAY IS, WELCOME

24
00:00:59,367 --> 00:01:01,734
TO THE SHOW.

25
00:01:01,801 --> 00:01:03,968
BUT HONESTLY, THANK YOU FOR

26
00:01:04,033 --> 00:01:07,868
CHOOSING TO LIVE, TO COME OUT OF

27
00:01:07,934 --> 00:01:11,000
YOUR HOLE AND LIVE LIFE, YOU

28
00:01:11,067 --> 00:01:13,567
KNOW, WE GOT TO DO THAT.

29
00:01:13,634 --> 00:01:14,367
AND WE CAN... CAN WE BE A LITTLE

30
00:01:14,434 --> 00:01:17,100
HAPPY?

31
00:01:17,167 --> 00:01:19,200
YOU KNOW, WE HAVE A VACCINE NOW.

32
00:01:19,267 --> 00:01:20,343
NOBODY WHO HAS THE VACCINE DIES,

33
00:01:20,367 --> 00:01:21,634
NOBODY.

34
00:01:21,701 --> 00:01:23,067
IT'S LIKE, UH, CAN'T... CAN'T WE

35
00:01:23,133 --> 00:01:23,667
JUST TAKE OUR VICTORY AND GO

36
00:01:23,734 --> 00:01:25,467
HOME?

37
00:01:25,534 --> 00:01:26,934
I MEAN, I STILL SEE SOME MASKS
HERE.

38
00:01:27,234 --> 00:01:27,868
I SEE IT ALL OVER WHEN I WORK ON

39
00:01:27,934 --> 00:01:29,133
THE ROAD.

40
00:01:29,200 --> 00:01:30,567
PEOPLE IN THE CROWD WITH MASKS,

41
00:01:30,634 --> 00:01:32,634
AND I KNOW THEY'RE VACCINATED.

42
00:01:32,701 --> 00:01:34,133
I MEAN, DO YOU KEEP THE CONDOM

43
00:01:34,200 --> 00:01:40,033
ON AFTER YOU FUCK?

44
00:01:40,100 --> 00:01:40,701
NO, I'M NOT...

45
00:01:40,767 --> 00:01:42,534
AND SIR, ENJOY THAT MASK.

46
00:01:42,601 --> 00:01:44,200
IT'S NOT... I'M NOT MAKING FUN

47
00:01:44,267 --> 00:01:45,343
OF YOU IN PARTICULAR, BUT I KIND

48
00:01:45,367 --> 00:01:48,033
OF AM.

49
00:01:48,100 --> 00:01:51,100
BUT... BUT I OFTEN... MAYBE THIS

50
00:01:51,167 --> 00:01:52,801
IS JUST L.A., I STILL

51
00:01:52,868 --> 00:01:56,868
SEE YOUNG PEOPLE, ALONE, WALKING

52
00:01:56,934 --> 00:01:58,701
OUTSIDE WITH A MASK, I WANNA

53
00:01:58,767 --> 00:02:00,434
FUCKING PUNCH THEM AND BREATHE

54
00:02:00,500 --> 00:02:03,868
ON THEM.

55
00:02:03,934 --> 00:02:05,467
I... YOU KNOW WHAT, YOU'RE

56
00:02:05,534 --> 00:02:07,134
YOUNG, YOU'VE GOT THE GOOD
IMMUNE SYSTEM.

57
00:02:07,300 --> 00:02:09,300
IT'S OUTSIDE.

58
00:02:09,367 --> 00:02:11,167
PLAY THE ODDS A LITTLE BIT, YOU

59
00:02:11,234 --> 00:02:13,667
FUCKING PUSSIES.

60
00:02:13,734 --> 00:02:16,734
I MEAN... WE'RE... NO REALLY,

61
00:02:16,801 --> 00:02:17,634
WE'RE RAISING A GENERATION OF

62
00:02:17,701 --> 00:02:20,767
HOWIE MANDELS.

63
00:02:20,834 --> 00:02:22,801
[BOOS]

64
00:02:22,868 --> 00:02:25,701
THAT'S WHAT WE DID.

65
00:02:25,767 --> 00:02:26,267
WE INDUCED MASS HYSTERIA IN

66
00:02:26,334 --> 00:02:28,534
THIS.

67
00:02:28,601 --> 00:02:31,434
I SEE PEOPLE IN THE CAR, ALONE,

68
00:02:31,500 --> 00:02:33,167
WITH A MASK.

69
00:02:33,234 --> 00:02:34,000
YOU THINK YOU CAN GET IT FROM

70
00:02:34,067 --> 00:02:40,701
THE RADIO?

71
00:02:40,767 --> 00:02:41,667
I MEAN, AND LOOK, I HAVE IT IN

72
00:02:41,734 --> 00:02:43,367
PERSPECTIVE.

73
00:02:43,434 --> 00:02:45,133
I CERTAINLY GIVE NO QUARTER TO

74
00:02:45,200 --> 00:02:46,901
THE NUTS WHO THINK THAT, YOU

75
00:02:47,000 --> 00:02:48,667
KNOW, BILL GATES PUT A TRACKING

76
00:02:48,734 --> 00:02:50,033
DEVICE IN THE VACCINE.

77
00:02:50,100 --> 00:02:51,334
YOU KNOW, THERE ARE THOSE NUTS

78
00:02:51,400 --> 00:02:52,500
OUT THERE, RIGHT?

79
00:02:52,567 --> 00:02:54,100
LIKE WE COULD GIVE A SHIT ABOUT

80
00:02:54,167 --> 00:02:54,934
TRACKING YOUR FAT ASS TO THE

81
00:02:55,000 --> 00:03:01,067
PIGGLY WIGGLY.

82
00:03:01,133 --> 00:03:01,601
[LAUGHTER]

83
00:03:01,667 --> 00:03:04,133
BUT, YOU KNOW, IN GENERAL,

84
00:03:04,200 --> 00:03:05,310
EXCUSE ME, HEALTH IS STILL A

85
00:03:05,334 --> 00:03:08,767
MYSTERY FROM BEGINNING TO END.

86
00:03:08,834 --> 00:03:15,000
WHAT, HOW IS TRUMP STILL ALIVE?

87
00:03:15,067 --> 00:03:17,500
[LAUGHTER]

88
00:03:17,567 --> 00:03:19,200
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

89
00:03:19,267 --> 00:03:22,334
YOU KNOW, DICK CHENEY HAS A

90
00:03:22,400 --> 00:03:24,534
HEART THAT PLUGS INTO THE WALL.

91
00:03:24,601 --> 00:03:28,701
REALLY?

92
00:03:28,767 --> 00:03:30,200
HAVE YOU NOTICED THAT TRUMP,

93
00:03:30,267 --> 00:03:31,901
UNLIKE LIKE EVERY OTHER

94
00:03:31,968 --> 00:03:33,367
PRESIDENT, DID NOT AGE IN

95
00:03:33,434 --> 00:03:35,734
OFFICE?

96
00:03:35,801 --> 00:03:41,367
WE DID.

97
00:03:41,434 --> 00:03:42,000
[LAUGHTER]

98
00:03:42,067 --> 00:03:43,133
WE AGED A LOT.

99
00:03:43,200 --> 00:03:45,167
THIS GUY LOOKS THE SAME.

100
00:03:45,234 --> 00:03:46,810
I DON'T KNOW, YOU KNOW.
I, JUST THE PSYCHIC RELIEF,

101
00:03:46,834 --> 00:03:47,601
RIGHT?

102
00:03:47,667 --> 00:03:48,677
I MEAN, JOE ISN'T PERFECT, BUT,

103
00:03:48,701 --> 00:03:49,901
YOU KNOW, JUST NOT TO HAVE TO

104
00:03:49,968 --> 00:03:51,109
WAKE UP EVERY DAY AND LOOK AT

105
00:03:51,133 --> 00:03:53,167
YOUR PHONE LIKE, OH, FUCK, WHAT,

106
00:03:53,234 --> 00:03:55,500
OH, THE... THE HEAD OF HOMELAND

107
00:03:55,567 --> 00:03:57,200
SECURITY IS IVANKA'S WEDDING

108
00:03:57,267 --> 00:03:58,934
PLANNER NOW, YOU KNOW, THAT,

109
00:03:59,000 --> 00:04:00,567
THAT KIND OF SHIT, I...

110
00:04:00,634 --> 00:04:02,467
PRICELESS IS WHAT.

111
00:04:02,534 --> 00:04:04,767
IT'S FUNNY.

112
00:04:04,834 --> 00:04:06,467
FOX NEWS ALWAYS IS LIKE, "WELL,

113
00:04:06,534 --> 00:04:07,267
JOE BIDEN, UH, PRESIDENT BIDEN

114
00:04:07,334 --> 00:04:08,334
HAS A DIFFERENT STYLE."

115
00:04:08,400 --> 00:04:10,400
DIFFERENT STYLE.

116
00:04:10,467 --> 00:04:12,534
YEAH, LIKE HE SIDES WITH

117
00:04:12,601 --> 00:04:13,868
AMERICA, UH, YOU KNOW, LITTLE

118
00:04:13,934 --> 00:04:16,267
THINGS LIKE THAT, LIKE HE'S,

119
00:04:16,334 --> 00:04:17,574
WHEN THERE'S A WAR WITH RUSSIA,

120
00:04:17,601 --> 00:04:18,167
HE'S ON OUR SIDE AND NOT

121
00:04:18,234 --> 00:04:21,067
PUTIN'S.

122
00:04:21,133 --> 00:04:22,267
[APPLAUSE]

123
00:04:22,334 --> 00:04:23,567
SHEESH.

124
00:04:23,634 --> 00:04:25,500
SAY WHAT YOU WANT ABOUT BILL

125
00:04:25,567 --> 00:04:26,934
CLINTON, BUT FOR ALL HIS FAULTS,

126
00:04:27,033 --> 00:04:27,968
HE WAS BLOWN BY AN AMERICAN,

127
00:04:28,033 --> 00:04:29,033
LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, AN

128
00:04:29,100 --> 00:04:34,367
AMERICAN.

129
00:04:34,434 --> 00:04:35,910
[LAUGHTER]
IT MEANS SOMETHING TO ME AND

130
00:04:35,934 --> 00:04:41,400
THANK YOU FOR YOUR SERVICE.

131
00:04:41,467 --> 00:04:42,801
BUT, YOU KNOW, TRUMP IS NOT

132
00:04:42,868 --> 00:04:44,968
GONE.

133
00:04:45,033 --> 00:04:46,634
HE'S JUST NOT PRESIDENT NOW.

134
00:04:46,701 --> 00:04:48,200
I MEAN, I WAS SAYING FROM

135
00:04:48,267 --> 00:04:49,767
THE VERY BEGINNING, YOU KNOW,

136
00:04:49,834 --> 00:04:51,267
THAT I WAS TRYING TO ALARM

137
00:04:51,334 --> 00:04:53,000
PEOPLE THAT HE'S RIGHT NOW

138
00:04:53,067 --> 00:04:54,601
BEHIND THE SCENES TRYING TO FIX

139
00:04:54,667 --> 00:04:55,667
IT, SO HE CAN DO WHAT HE

140
00:04:55,734 --> 00:04:56,894
COULDN'T DO LAST TIME TO THIS

141
00:04:56,934 --> 00:04:58,534
NEXT ELECTION.

142
00:04:58,601 --> 00:04:59,901
I SAID FROM THE BEGINNING HE WAS

143
00:04:59,968 --> 00:05:01,208
NEVER GONNA CONCEDE IF HE LOST.

144
00:05:01,234 --> 00:05:02,033
EVERYONE WAS LIKE, "OH, BILL,

145
00:05:02,100 --> 00:05:03,400
YOU SMOKE TOO MUCH POT."

146
00:05:03,467 --> 00:05:04,934
WELL, APPARENTLY, I SMOKE JUST

147
00:05:05,000 --> 00:05:09,634
THE RIGHT AMOUNT OF POT.

148
00:05:09,701 --> 00:05:14,467
[LAUGHTER]

149
00:05:14,534 --> 00:05:15,100
I MEAN, WHAT, WHAT, WHAT DO YOU

150
00:05:15,167 --> 00:05:16,267
DO?

151
00:05:16,334 --> 00:05:17,000
HERE'S THE QUESTION OF THE

152
00:05:17,067 --> 00:05:19,033
NIGHT.

153
00:05:19,100 --> 00:05:20,868
WHAT DO YOU DO WHEN, LIKE A LOT

154
00:05:20,934 --> 00:05:22,567
OF THE PEOPLE IN THE GOVERNMENT

155
00:05:22,634 --> 00:05:23,133
DON'T BELIEVE IN OUR FORM OF

156
00:05:23,200 --> 00:05:24,667
GOVERNMENT?

157
00:05:24,734 --> 00:05:26,167
YOU KNOW, MOST OF THE

158
00:05:26,234 --> 00:05:27,834
REPUBLICANS DID NOT CONDEMN

159
00:05:27,901 --> 00:05:29,934
JANUARY 6, YOU KNOW, TED CRUZ,

160
00:05:30,000 --> 00:05:31,009
JOSH HAWLEY, YOU KNOW, THESE

161
00:05:31,033 --> 00:05:32,334
PEOPLE WHO ARE NOT STUPID.

162
00:05:32,400 --> 00:05:35,067
THEY'RE HARVARD AND YALE.

163
00:05:35,133 --> 00:05:38,400
AND THEN THERE'S MARJORIE TAYLOR

164
00:05:38,467 --> 00:05:40,033
GREENE, THE STAR OF "THE REAL

165
00:05:40,100 --> 00:05:45,868
HOUSEWIVES OF KAREN COUNTY."

166
00:05:45,934 --> 00:05:46,868
[LAUGHTER]

167
00:05:46,934 --> 00:05:48,210
THIS CHICK IS ABOUT A MOOD SWING

168
00:05:48,234 --> 00:05:54,667
FROM GETTING NAKED IN A TARGET.

169
00:05:54,734 --> 00:05:56,667
HOW IS SHE NOT A MIDDLE SCHOOL

170
00:05:56,734 --> 00:05:57,634
TEACHER IN FLORIDA, WHO'S

171
00:05:57,701 --> 00:06:03,267
FUCKING HER STUDENTS?

172
00:06:03,334 --> 00:06:04,643
[LAUGHTER]
THAT'S WHAT I... OH, I LOVE YOU,

173
00:06:04,667 --> 00:06:06,109
FLORIDA.
YOU KNOW I FUCKING LOVE FLORIDA.

174
00:06:06,133 --> 00:06:07,000
I CAN'T HELP IT.

175
00:06:07,067 --> 00:06:08,834
BUT YEAH, I MEAN, I WORRY ABOUT

176
00:06:08,901 --> 00:06:09,767
THE ONES WHO ARE NOT THE

177
00:06:09,834 --> 00:06:11,300
STUPID... BUT I WORRY ABOUT THE

178
00:06:11,367 --> 00:06:12,467
TED CRUZ, YOU KNOW, THE

179
00:06:12,534 --> 00:06:14,267
AMBITIOUS ONES.

180
00:06:14,334 --> 00:06:18,601
HE'S BEEN RUNNING FOR PRESIDENT

181
00:06:18,667 --> 00:06:21,434
SINCE HE WAS THREE, CALCULATING

182
00:06:21,500 --> 00:06:24,067
WHEN HE RAN IN 2016, THEY ONCE

183
00:06:24,133 --> 00:06:26,534
ASKED HIM A SOFTBALL QUESTION OF

184
00:06:26,601 --> 00:06:28,067
ALL TIME ON "THE TODAY SHOW."

185
00:06:28,133 --> 00:06:28,934
THEY HAD SAID, "WHAT MUSIC DO

186
00:06:29,000 --> 00:06:31,601
YOU LISTEN TO?"

187
00:06:31,667 --> 00:06:32,677
NOW, A HUMAN WOULD JUST TELL

188
00:06:32,701 --> 00:06:37,634
YOU.

189
00:06:37,701 --> 00:06:38,100
[LAUGHTER]

190
00:06:38,167 --> 00:06:39,400
TED CRUZ SAID, WELL, BEFORE

191
00:06:39,467 --> 00:06:43,267
9/11, I USED TO LISTEN TO

192
00:06:43,334 --> 00:06:45,968
CLASSIC ROCK, BUT AFTER 9/11, IT

193
00:06:46,033 --> 00:06:47,400
JUST FELT MORE RIGHT TO LISTEN

194
00:06:47,467 --> 00:06:49,868
TO COUNTRY MUSIC.

195
00:06:49,934 --> 00:06:51,868
WHY?

196
00:06:51,934 --> 00:06:53,567
WAS THE WORLD TRADE CENTER

197
00:06:53,634 --> 00:06:59,033
ATTACKED BY THREE DOG NIGHT?

198
00:06:59,100 --> 00:07:00,100
[LAUGHTER]
WHAT?

199
00:07:00,167 --> 00:07:01,467
WHAT?

200
00:07:01,534 --> 00:07:03,734
IT IS A SOBERING THOUGHT THAT

201
00:07:03,801 --> 00:07:05,133
THE REPUBLICAN WHO TURNED OUT TO

202
00:07:05,200 --> 00:07:07,367
HAVE THE MOST RESPONSIBILITY WAS

203
00:07:07,434 --> 00:07:09,667
MIKE PENCE, WHO DID THE

204
00:07:09,734 --> 00:07:16,467
RIGHT THING ON JANUARY 6, RIGHT?

205
00:07:16,534 --> 00:07:16,934
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

206
00:07:17,000 --> 00:07:18,300
I MEAN, COME ON, YOU GOT TO.

207
00:07:18,367 --> 00:07:19,000
AND MIKE PENCE IS NOW... HE'S

208
00:07:19,067 --> 00:07:20,076
TALKED A LOT ABOUT JANUARY 6

209
00:07:20,100 --> 00:07:22,033
SINCE THEN.

210
00:07:22,100 --> 00:07:23,109
HE SAYS "DONALD TRUMP AND I WILL

211
00:07:23,133 --> 00:07:24,253
NEVER SEE EYE TO EYE ON THAT

212
00:07:24,300 --> 00:07:26,234
DAY."

213
00:07:26,300 --> 00:07:27,934
BUT HE WANTS EVERYONE TO KNOW HE

214
00:07:28,000 --> 00:07:29,240
STILL SUPPORTS DONALD TRUMP AND

215
00:07:29,300 --> 00:07:31,267
HE WILL NOT LET THE MEDIA USE

216
00:07:31,334 --> 00:07:33,000
ONE TRAGIC DAY TO DISCREDIT THE

217
00:07:33,067 --> 00:07:35,701
ASPIRATIONS OF MILLIONS OF

218
00:07:35,767 --> 00:07:36,968
AMERICANS, WHICH WAS TO KILL

219
00:07:37,033 --> 00:07:42,067
MIKE PENCE.

220
00:07:42,133 --> 00:07:43,033
[LAUGHTER]

221
00:07:43,100 --> 00:07:45,000
I LOVE THIS.

222
00:07:45,067 --> 00:07:48,067
HE ALSO SAYS HE WANTS TO STAY

223
00:07:48,133 --> 00:07:49,243
FRIENDS WITH TRUMP, BUT RIGHT

224
00:07:49,267 --> 00:07:51,067
NOW IT'S DIFFICULT.

225
00:07:51,133 --> 00:07:52,173
DIFFICULT... YES.
OH, YEAH.

226
00:07:53,000 --> 00:07:54,234
I THINK WE'VE ALL BEEN THERE.

227
00:07:54,300 --> 00:07:56,234
YOU WANT TO BE FRIENDS WITH A

228
00:07:56,300 --> 00:07:57,934
GUY, BUT ALWAYS THAT AWKWARDNESS

229
00:07:58,000 --> 00:07:59,200
LINGERING IN THE BACKGROUND

230
00:07:59,267 --> 00:08:01,167
ABOUT THE TIME HE TRIED TO HAVE

231
00:08:01,234 --> 00:08:03,000
YOU KILLED WHEN YOU WOULDN'T

232
00:08:03,067 --> 00:08:04,234
HELP HIM OVERTHROW THE

233
00:08:04,300 --> 00:08:04,701
GOVERNMENT.

234
00:08:04,767 --> 00:08:05,834
AM I RIGHT?

235
00:08:05,901 --> 00:08:10,267
IS THAT NOT RELATABLE?

236
00:08:10,334 --> 00:08:12,934
HONESTLY, WHAT DO WE DO ABOUT

237
00:08:13,000 --> 00:08:14,968
THE ENABLERS?

238
00:08:15,033 --> 00:08:17,000
YOU KNOW, TRUMP DIDN'T GET THERE

239
00:08:17,067 --> 00:08:18,300
BY HIMSELF, A LOT OF PEOPLE

240
00:08:18,367 --> 00:08:20,500
ALONG THE WAY, AND STILL THERE.

241
00:08:20,567 --> 00:08:22,167
THE ONES AT THE BEGINNING, ALSO.

242
00:08:22,234 --> 00:08:24,300
YOU KNOW, I KNEW THIS WAS GOING

243
00:08:24,367 --> 00:08:26,100
TO GO SOUTH THE FIRST WEEK WHEN

244
00:08:26,167 --> 00:08:28,667
HE SAID McCAIN WASN'T A WAR HERO

245
00:08:28,734 --> 00:08:30,400
AND THE REPUBLICANS DIDN'T DO

246
00:08:30,467 --> 00:08:31,634
ANYTHING ABOUT IT.

247
00:08:31,701 --> 00:08:34,567
I WAS LIKE, OH, FUCK.

248
00:08:34,634 --> 00:08:35,467
AND HE'S... AND THEN HE KEPT

249
00:08:35,534 --> 00:08:36,774
MAKING FUN OF McCAIN EVEN AFTER

250
00:08:36,834 --> 00:08:38,033
HE DIED.

251
00:08:38,100 --> 00:08:39,634
AND McCAIN'S WIDOW, LINDSEY

252
00:08:39,701 --> 00:08:43,968
GRAHAM, SAYS NOTHING.

253
00:08:44,033 --> 00:08:45,033
[LAUGHTER]
NOTHING.

254
00:08:45,334 --> 00:08:49,834
NOTHING.

255
00:08:49,901 --> 00:08:51,801
I MEAN, HOW DOES HE... TRUMP...

256
00:08:51,868 --> 00:08:53,300
HOW DOES HE TURN THESE PEOPLE,

257
00:08:53,367 --> 00:08:55,067
YOU KNOW, WHO USED TO BE KIND OF

258
00:08:55,133 --> 00:08:56,500
NORMAL REPUBLIC... RUDY

259
00:08:56,567 --> 00:08:59,701
GIULIANI, THE ONLY VAMPIRE

260
00:08:59,767 --> 00:09:05,267
ATTRACTED TO GARLIC.

261
00:09:05,334 --> 00:09:07,500
[LAUGHTER]

262
00:09:07,567 --> 00:09:08,300
AND, YOU KNOW, HE COULD GO TO

263
00:09:08,367 --> 00:09:09,434
JAIL.

264
00:09:09,500 --> 00:09:11,000
THEY RAIDED HIS APARTMENT, THE

265
00:09:11,067 --> 00:09:12,434
FBI, ONE OF THOSE NO-KNOCKS LIKE

266
00:09:12,500 --> 00:09:14,367
6:00 IN THE MORNING.

267
00:09:14,434 --> 00:09:15,033
HE WAS JUST GETTING INTO HIS

268
00:09:15,100 --> 00:09:19,634
COFFIN.

269
00:09:19,701 --> 00:09:20,601
[LAUGHTER]

270
00:09:20,667 --> 00:09:23,334
DON JR. COULD GO TO JAIL.

271
00:09:23,400 --> 00:09:25,133
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

272
00:09:25,200 --> 00:09:26,067
THEY'RE LOOKING INTO THE TRUMP

273
00:09:26,133 --> 00:09:30,167
FAMILY FINANCES NOW.

274
00:09:30,234 --> 00:09:31,567
AND TRUST ME, WHEN HE DOES TRUMP

275
00:09:31,634 --> 00:09:32,467
WILL GO "I KNEW HIM VERY

276
00:09:32,534 --> 00:09:37,667
BRIEFLY.

277
00:09:37,734 --> 00:09:38,033
[LAUGHTER]

278
00:09:38,100 --> 00:09:39,176
HE WAS MY SON FOR A SHORT PERIOD

279
00:09:39,200 --> 00:09:40,567
OF TIME.

280
00:09:40,634 --> 00:09:41,334
I HAD MY PICTURE TAKEN WITH A

281
00:09:41,400 --> 00:09:47,801
LOT OF PEOPLE."

282
00:09:47,868 --> 00:09:50,834
YOU KNOW, TRUMP, IT WAS SUCH A,

283
00:09:50,901 --> 00:09:52,234
I DON'T KNOW, DELIBERATELY

284
00:09:52,300 --> 00:09:56,634
TERRIBLE HUMAN BEING THAT YOU

285
00:09:56,701 --> 00:09:58,968
COULD FORGIVE THE LEFT FOR LIKE

286
00:09:59,033 --> 00:10:00,273
GOING A LITTLE CRAZY ABOUT HIM.

287
00:10:00,300 --> 00:10:03,367
I DID.

288
00:10:03,434 --> 00:10:04,801
WENT A LITTLE AND WOULDN'T

289
00:10:04,868 --> 00:10:06,367
BELIEVE ANYTHING BAD.

290
00:10:06,434 --> 00:10:08,067
NOT, YOU KNOW, NOW LOOK BACK.

291
00:10:08,133 --> 00:10:10,200
SOME OF THE THINGS LIKE THE

292
00:10:10,267 --> 00:10:12,200
THING ABOUT HE PAID TWO HOOKERS

293
00:10:12,267 --> 00:10:13,601
TO PEE ON EACH OTHER IN A HOTEL

294
00:10:13,667 --> 00:10:14,100
ROOM IN MOSCOW.

295
00:10:14,167 --> 00:10:15,334
I DON'T BELIEVE THAT.

296
00:10:15,400 --> 00:10:16,634
I BELIEVE HE DID IT.

297
00:10:16,701 --> 00:10:21,434
I DON'T BELIEVE HE PAID THEM.

298
00:10:21,500 --> 00:10:22,500
[LAUGHTER]

299
00:10:22,534 --> 00:10:23,567
[APPLAUSE]

300
00:10:23,634 --> 00:10:27,400
BUT YOU KNOW, REPUBLICANS, YOU

301
00:10:27,467 --> 00:10:29,167
GOT SOME NERVE ASKING ME TO COME

302
00:10:29,234 --> 00:10:32,434
OVER TO THE REPUBLICAN SIDE IF

303
00:10:32,500 --> 00:10:33,510
YOU'RE STILL ENTHRALL TO THIS
FUCKING ASSHOLE.

304
00:10:33,534 --> 00:10:34,734
ARE YOU KIDDING?
YOU KNOW WHAT?

305
00:10:34,868 --> 00:10:37,767
I NEVER LOSE PERSPECTIVE.

306
00:10:37,834 --> 00:10:39,500
THE REPUBLICANS DO NOT BELIEVE

307
00:10:39,567 --> 00:10:41,234
IN THE EMERGENCY OF CLIMATE

308
00:10:41,300 --> 00:10:42,634
CHANGE, AND THEY APPARENTLY NO

309
00:10:42,701 --> 00:10:44,033
LONGER BELIEVE IN AMERICAN

310
00:10:44,100 --> 00:10:45,601
DEMOCRACY AS LONG AS THAT'S

311
00:10:45,667 --> 00:10:47,934
WHERE YOU ARE, THAT PARTY IS NOT

312
00:10:48,000 --> 00:10:49,367
EVEN SAVABLE.

313
00:10:49,434 --> 00:10:51,067
MAYBE I'M A COCKEYED OPTIMIST,

314
00:10:51,133 --> 00:10:52,601
BUT I STILL THINK THE DEMOCRATS

315
00:10:52,667 --> 00:10:53,667
ARE SAVABLE.

316
00:10:53,734 --> 00:10:57,167
[APPLAUSE]

317
00:10:57,234 --> 00:11:02,500
I MEAN, SOME DAYS THEY TEST ME.

318
00:11:02,567 --> 00:11:03,901
BUT I DON'T KNOW.

319
00:11:03,968 --> 00:11:04,901
WE HAVE TO FIND A WAY TO PUT

320
00:11:04,968 --> 00:11:06,267
THIS COUNTRY BACK TOGETHER.

321
00:11:06,334 --> 00:11:08,200
I MEAN, ABRAHAM LINCOLN SAID IT,

322
00:11:08,267 --> 00:11:10,300
"A HOUSE DIVIDED AGAINST ITSELF

323
00:11:10,367 --> 00:11:13,534
CANNOT STAND."

324
00:11:13,601 --> 00:11:17,534
[APPLAUSE]

325
00:11:17,601 --> 00:11:18,710
OF COURSE HE'S CANCELED NOW, SO

326
00:11:18,734 --> 00:11:23,701
FUCK HIM.

327
00:11:23,767 --> 00:11:24,300
[LAUGHTER]

328
00:11:24,367 --> 00:11:25,868
SEE, THAT'S WHAT I MEAN.

329
00:11:25,934 --> 00:11:27,300
I MEAN, LINCOLN WAS... I MEAN,

330
00:11:27,367 --> 00:11:28,577
YEAH, THEY TOOK DOWN THE STATUES

331
00:11:28,601 --> 00:11:29,434
IN SOME PLACES, TOOK HIS NAME

332
00:11:29,500 --> 00:11:31,267
OFF HIGH SCHOOLS, INCLUDING IN

333
00:11:31,334 --> 00:11:33,000
ILLINOIS, LAND OF LINCOLN.

334
00:11:33,067 --> 00:11:33,934
LAND OF LINCOLN CANCELED

335
00:11:34,000 --> 00:11:35,968
LINCOLN.

336
00:11:36,033 --> 00:11:38,200
[LAUGHTER]

337
00:11:38,267 --> 00:11:38,834
OKAY, THIS IS MY MESSAGE TO

338
00:11:38,901 --> 00:11:40,300
LIBERALS.

339
00:11:40,367 --> 00:11:46,701
ATTENTION, WHOLE FOOD SHOPPERS.

340
00:11:46,767 --> 00:11:47,367
[LAUGHTER]

341
00:11:47,434 --> 00:11:50,300
WHEN WHAT YOU'RE DOING SOUNDS

342
00:11:50,367 --> 00:11:51,133
LIKE A HEADLINE IN THE ONION.

343
00:11:51,200 --> 00:11:54,434
STOP DOING THAT.

344
00:11:54,500 --> 00:11:54,934
OKAY?

345
00:11:55,000 --> 00:11:57,434
STOP DOING THAT.

346
00:11:57,500 --> 00:12:01,100
[APPLAUSE]

347
00:12:01,167 --> 00:12:03,234
THIS BULLSHIT ABOUT ALWAYS

348
00:12:03,300 --> 00:12:05,067
REVISITING THE PAST AND

349
00:12:05,133 --> 00:12:07,434
HISTORICAL PEOPLE WHO DON'T

350
00:12:07,500 --> 00:12:08,968
SHARE YOUR CURRENT WOKE

351
00:12:09,033 --> 00:12:11,067
MENTALITY, WHAT A CHEAP WAY TO

352
00:12:11,133 --> 00:12:11,567
LOOK ENLIGHTENED AND BIG

353
00:12:11,634 --> 00:12:13,100
YOURSELF UP.

354
00:12:13,167 --> 00:12:14,467
FUCK YOU, ABRAHAM LINCOLN ISN'T

355
00:12:14,534 --> 00:12:15,334
GOOD ENOUGH FOR YOU.

356
00:12:15,400 --> 00:12:18,434
[APPLAUSE]

357
00:12:18,500 --> 00:12:20,067
LET ME TELL YOU SOMETHING THAT

358
00:12:20,133 --> 00:12:21,767
WE EVEN HAVE TO QUESTION THAT

359
00:12:21,834 --> 00:12:24,601
IS, DON'T EVEN START.

360
00:12:24,667 --> 00:12:27,534
BUT LOOK, EVERY GENERATION.

361
00:12:27,601 --> 00:12:28,400
EVERY GENERATION IS THE WHAT

362
00:12:28,467 --> 00:12:30,267
WERE YOU THINKING GENERATION?

363
00:12:30,334 --> 00:12:32,300
YOU KNOW, FIRST TIME I FLEW TO

364
00:12:32,367 --> 00:12:33,234
THIS CITY, I SMOKED ON THE

365
00:12:33,300 --> 00:12:36,801
PLANE.

366
00:12:36,868 --> 00:12:37,868
[LAUGHTER]
REALLY?

367
00:12:38,133 --> 00:12:39,343
WHO THOUGHT THAT WAS A GOOD
IDEA?

368
00:12:39,367 --> 00:12:40,000
SMOKING.

369
00:12:40,067 --> 00:12:41,400
[LAUGHTER]

370
00:12:41,467 --> 00:12:41,934
I'LL TELL YOU WHO.

371
00:12:42,000 --> 00:12:43,000
EVERYBODY.

372
00:12:43,033 --> 00:12:44,513
EVERYBODY WAS COMPLETELY FINE
WITH IT.

373
00:12:44,667 --> 00:12:46,133
IT'S JUST WHAT WE DID.

374
00:12:46,200 --> 00:12:46,868
YOU KNOW?

375
00:12:46,934 --> 00:12:48,634
I MEAN, DOCTORS.

376
00:12:48,701 --> 00:12:49,634
DOCTORS USED TO DO CIGARETTE

377
00:12:49,701 --> 00:12:51,400
ADS.

378
00:12:51,467 --> 00:12:52,634
I'M NOT KIDDING.

379
00:12:52,701 --> 00:12:57,567
YOU CAN LOOK... LOOK UP AN OLD

380
00:12:57,634 --> 00:12:58,877
"LIFE MAGAZINE."
A LUNG SURGEON NEEDS STEADY

381
00:12:58,901 --> 00:13:02,334
HANDS.

382
00:13:02,400 --> 00:13:02,601
[LAUGHTER]

383
00:13:02,667 --> 00:13:06,234
I SWEAR YOU CAN FIND THAT.

384
00:13:06,300 --> 00:13:07,801
THEY USED TO PUT HEROIN IN COUGH

385
00:13:07,868 --> 00:13:09,601
MEDICINE AND COCAINE IN SOFT

386
00:13:09,667 --> 00:13:11,701
DRINKS.

387
00:13:11,767 --> 00:13:16,267
THAT WAS NOT A BAD IDEA.

388
00:13:16,334 --> 00:13:17,667
[LAUGHTER]

389
00:13:17,734 --> 00:13:20,868
WE USED TO, LIKE, JUST LITTER

390
00:13:20,934 --> 00:13:23,400
OUT THE CAR WINDOW.

391
00:13:23,467 --> 00:13:24,934
LIKE, WHATEVER WAS IN YOUR HAND,

392
00:13:25,000 --> 00:13:25,534
JUST FUCKING THROW IT OUT THE

393
00:13:25,601 --> 00:13:29,801
WINDOW.

394
00:13:29,868 --> 00:13:31,109
[LAUGHTER]
NOBODY THOUGHT THAT WAS WRONG.

395
00:13:31,133 --> 00:13:32,844
AND THEN THEY MADE THE
COMMERCIAL WITH THE CRYING

396
00:13:32,868 --> 00:13:34,334
INDIAN, AND WE WERE LIKE,

397
00:13:34,400 --> 00:13:35,710
OH, I DIDN'T KNOW THAT MADE
INDIANS CRY.

398
00:13:35,734 --> 00:13:39,100
I'M SORRY.

399
00:13:39,167 --> 00:13:40,276
[LAUGHTER]
WE DON'T HAVE TO THROW SHIT OUT

400
00:13:40,300 --> 00:13:40,667
THE WINDOW.

401
00:13:40,734 --> 00:13:42,634
AND WE STOPPED, YOU KNOW?

402
00:13:42,701 --> 00:13:44,200
I MEAN, MY MOTHER DRANK DURING

403
00:13:44,267 --> 00:13:45,634
HER PREGNANCY, AND I CAME OUT

404
00:13:45,701 --> 00:13:47,133
PERFECTLY NORMAL.

405
00:13:47,200 --> 00:13:51,801
[LAUGHTER]

406
00:13:51,868 --> 00:13:52,877
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
WAIT.

407
00:13:52,901 --> 00:13:57,334
WHY IS THAT FUNNY?

408
00:13:57,400 --> 00:13:59,133
AND I MUST SAY ON THAT SCORE, I

409
00:13:59,200 --> 00:14:01,200
HAVE SEEN THIS A COUPLE OF TIMES

410
00:14:01,267 --> 00:14:02,701
IN A RESTAURANT.

411
00:14:02,767 --> 00:14:04,100
A PREGNANT WOMAN IS HAVING

412
00:14:04,167 --> 00:14:05,834
DINNER, DRINKING A GLASS OF

413
00:14:05,901 --> 00:14:08,500
WINE, AND SOME STRANGER WILL

414
00:14:08,567 --> 00:14:09,710
COME OVER AND SCOLD HER, OKAY,

415
00:14:09,734 --> 00:14:10,400
THIS BULLSHIT HAS TO STOP IN

416
00:14:10,467 --> 00:14:11,901
AMERICA.

417
00:14:11,968 --> 00:14:14,500
THE SNITCHES AND BITCHES COUNTRY

418
00:14:14,567 --> 00:14:19,100
WE LIVE IN.

419
00:14:19,167 --> 00:14:20,376
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
MIND YOUR OWN FUCKING BUSINESS.

420
00:14:20,400 --> 00:14:21,267
MIND YOUR OWN BUSINESS.

421
00:14:21,334 --> 00:14:23,434
[APPLAUSE]

422
00:14:23,500 --> 00:14:25,000
AND I BET YOU THE PERSON WHO'S

423
00:14:25,067 --> 00:14:26,601
DOING THE SCOLDING WAS

424
00:14:26,667 --> 00:14:27,801
PRO-CHOICE.

425
00:14:27,868 --> 00:14:29,434
AND I'M PRO-CHOICE.

426
00:14:29,500 --> 00:14:31,601
BUT I GET THE OTHER ARGUMENT.

427
00:14:31,667 --> 00:14:33,834
YOU KNOW, I DON'T THINK A FETUS

428
00:14:33,901 --> 00:14:34,910
IS LIFE, BUT IT'S UNDENIABLY

429
00:14:34,934 --> 00:14:37,334
BECOMING A LIFE.

430
00:14:37,400 --> 00:14:38,601
SO WHAT, YOU'RE OKAY WITH

431
00:14:38,667 --> 00:14:39,234
KILLING IT, BUT NOT GETTING IT A

432
00:14:39,300 --> 00:14:40,667
LITTLE DRUNK?

433
00:14:40,734 --> 00:14:47,701
[LAUGHTER]

434
00:14:47,767 --> 00:14:48,367
YOU'RE OKAY.

435
00:14:48,434 --> 00:14:49,767
YOU'RE OKAY.

436
00:14:49,834 --> 00:14:53,534
[LAUGHTER]

437
00:14:53,601 --> 00:14:54,200
[APPLAUSE]

438
00:14:54,267 --> 00:14:55,767
SO YES, LINCOLN SAID SOME RACIST

439
00:14:55,834 --> 00:14:57,234
THINGS.

440
00:14:57,300 --> 00:14:58,420
SO DID EVERY WHITE PERSON IN

441
00:14:58,467 --> 00:15:00,767
1860.

442
00:15:00,834 --> 00:15:02,634
COLUMBUS HAD SLAVES.

443
00:15:02,701 --> 00:15:05,033
SO DID EVERYONE IN 1492 WHO

444
00:15:05,100 --> 00:15:07,300
COULD AFFORD IT, INCLUDING

445
00:15:07,367 --> 00:15:08,934
PEOPLE OF COLOR IN OTHER

446
00:15:09,000 --> 00:15:11,701
PARTS OF THE WORLD.

447
00:15:11,767 --> 00:15:12,334
[APPLAUSE]

448
00:15:12,400 --> 00:15:16,167
APPLAUSE FOR THAT?

449
00:15:16,234 --> 00:15:16,434
[LAUGHTER]

450
00:15:16,500 --> 00:15:17,767
WHAT ARE WE APPLAUDING THERE?

451
00:15:17,834 --> 00:15:19,200
SLAVERY THAT PEOPLE OF... PEOPLE

452
00:15:19,267 --> 00:15:20,901
OF COLOR DID IT TOO.

453
00:15:20,968 --> 00:15:22,167
THAT'S... I'M GLAD THEY WERE

454
00:15:22,234 --> 00:15:23,500
REPRESENTED, SIR.

455
00:15:23,567 --> 00:15:26,100
I AGREE WITH YOU.

456
00:15:26,167 --> 00:15:27,400
NOT AN APPLAUSE BREAK, MY

457
00:15:27,467 --> 00:15:28,300
FRIEND, BUT...

458
00:15:28,367 --> 00:15:34,801
[LAUGHTER]

459
00:15:34,868 --> 00:15:36,334
YOU KNOW WHO ELSE HAD SLAVES?

460
00:15:36,400 --> 00:15:39,367
EVERYONE IN THE BIBLE.

461
00:15:39,434 --> 00:15:40,734
EVERYONE IN THE BIBLE.

462
00:15:40,801 --> 00:15:42,701
SHOULD WE CANCEL GOD?

463
00:15:42,767 --> 00:15:50,767
[LAUGHTER]

464
00:15:51,234 --> 00:15:54,868
I HAVE TRIED.

465
00:15:54,934 --> 00:15:56,294
REALLY?
AND THAT'S BOTH TESTAMENTS.

466
00:15:56,334 --> 00:15:56,934
YES, BOTH TESTAMENTS, MY

467
00:15:57,000 --> 00:15:58,267
CHRISTIAN FRIENDS.

468
00:15:58,334 --> 00:15:59,934
[LAUGHTER]

469
00:16:00,000 --> 00:16:01,300
BOTH TESTAMENTS HAVE LOTS OF

470
00:16:01,367 --> 00:16:03,133
RULES AND LAWS ABOUT SLAVERY,

471
00:16:03,200 --> 00:16:04,376
AND NONE OF THEM ARE, DON'T DO

472
00:16:04,400 --> 00:16:06,133
IT.

473
00:16:06,200 --> 00:16:07,400
THAT NEVER CROSSED THEIR MIND.

474
00:16:07,434 --> 00:16:08,767
DON'T DO IT.

475
00:16:08,834 --> 00:16:10,400
THERE'S A LOT OF LAWS, LIKE IF A

476
00:16:10,467 --> 00:16:11,976
MAN KILLS YOUR SLAVE, YOU MAY
KILL HIS SLAVE.

477
00:16:12,000 --> 00:16:15,868
OKAY.

478
00:16:15,934 --> 00:16:17,934
THIS IS NOT A DEFENSE OF

479
00:16:18,000 --> 00:16:19,400
SLAVERY.

480
00:16:19,467 --> 00:16:21,000
IT'S JUST SAYING, YOU KNOW,

481
00:16:21,067 --> 00:16:22,076
WHATEVER AGE YOU LIVE IN, YOU

482
00:16:22,100 --> 00:16:23,140
WOULD BE THE SAME ASSHOLE.

483
00:16:23,167 --> 00:16:25,601
STOP FLATTERING YOURSELF THAT

484
00:16:25,667 --> 00:16:26,710
YOU'RE NOSTRADAMUS AND YOU WOULD

485
00:16:26,734 --> 00:16:27,810
HAVE KNOWN THINGS WERE WRONG AT

486
00:16:27,834 --> 00:16:28,767
A TIME WHEN NOBODY ELSE THOUGHT

487
00:16:28,834 --> 00:16:29,868
THAT.

488
00:16:29,934 --> 00:16:32,234
LIKE IF YOU WERE LIVING 500

489
00:16:32,300 --> 00:16:33,734
YEARS AGO, YOU'D BE LIKE, WELL,

490
00:16:33,801 --> 00:16:34,968
SLAVERY IS WRONG AND GAY AND

491
00:16:35,033 --> 00:16:36,100
TRANS PEOPLE SHOULD BE

492
00:16:36,167 --> 00:16:36,968
REPRESENTED IN ALL OF

493
00:16:37,033 --> 00:16:38,434
SHAKESPEARE'S PLAYS.

494
00:16:38,500 --> 00:16:42,500
[LAUGHTER]

495
00:16:42,567 --> 00:16:43,567
[APPLAUSE]
SHUT UP.

496
00:16:43,934 --> 00:16:44,467
YOU'RE NOT BETTER.

497
00:16:44,534 --> 00:16:46,667
YOU JUST CAME LATER.

498
00:16:46,734 --> 00:16:48,267
YOU ARE THE iPHONE 11.

499
00:16:48,334 --> 00:16:51,133
[LAUGHTER]

500
00:16:51,200 --> 00:16:55,567
I MEAN, YOU THINK IF YOU WERE

501
00:16:55,634 --> 00:16:56,334
AROUND IN THE 1980s YOU

502
00:16:56,400 --> 00:16:57,601
WOULDN'T HAVE WORN THE SKINNY

503
00:16:57,667 --> 00:16:59,434
TIES AND THE JACKETS, JUST HUGE

504
00:16:59,500 --> 00:17:01,434
SHOULDERS.

505
00:17:01,500 --> 00:17:03,109
AND OF COURSE, YOU WOULD KNOW,
YOU'RE A GENIUS.

506
00:17:03,133 --> 00:17:03,901
YOU WOULD?

507
00:17:03,968 --> 00:17:10,500
I FORESEE THIS WILL LOOK DOUCHEY

508
00:17:10,567 --> 00:17:11,567
IN... NO.
WE EVOLVED.

509
00:17:11,834 --> 00:17:12,667
I THOUGHT LIBERALS WERE THE ONES

510
00:17:12,734 --> 00:17:18,167
WHO BELIEVED IN EVOLUTION.

511
00:17:18,234 --> 00:17:23,133
YOU KNOW, ONE GUY, LOOK, IT'S

512
00:17:23,200 --> 00:17:25,033
LIKE WHEN I SEE THESE

513
00:17:25,100 --> 00:17:25,767
DISCLAIMERS IN FRONT OF OLD

514
00:17:25,834 --> 00:17:26,834
MOVIES NOW.

515
00:17:26,868 --> 00:17:28,467
I DON'T NEED A DISCLAIMER TO

516
00:17:28,534 --> 00:17:30,400
PREPARE ME.

517
00:17:30,467 --> 00:17:31,968
IF HARRISON FORD LOOKS A LOT

518
00:17:32,033 --> 00:17:33,834
YOUNGER AND THEY'RE USING A

519
00:17:33,901 --> 00:17:39,267
PAYPHONE, TRIGGER WARNING,

520
00:17:39,334 --> 00:17:40,267
THEY'RE GOING TO BE DOING SOME

521
00:17:40,334 --> 00:17:41,334
SHIT WE DON'T DO ANYMORE.

522
00:17:41,400 --> 00:17:43,567
SO WHAT?

523
00:17:43,634 --> 00:17:45,400
I WATCHED THE BEATLES

524
00:17:45,467 --> 00:17:46,634
DOCUMENTARY AND JUST THE

525
00:17:46,701 --> 00:17:53,400
BEGINNING.

526
00:17:53,467 --> 00:17:54,987
"STRONG LANGUAGE AND SMOKING."
SMOKING.

527
00:17:55,067 --> 00:17:56,443
OH, MY GOD.
THANK YOU FOR WARNING ME.

528
00:17:56,467 --> 00:17:58,109
HERE TO WATCH THE BEATLES SMOKE
IN 1969, GET ME A KLONOPIN.

529
00:17:58,133 --> 00:18:00,601
[LAUGHTER]

530
00:18:00,667 --> 00:18:01,667
YES.

531
00:18:01,701 --> 00:18:04,067
WE EVOLVE.

532
00:18:04,133 --> 00:18:05,067
I MEAN, IT'S IN... IT'S IN YOUR

533
00:18:05,133 --> 00:18:07,200
EVERYDAY LIFE.

534
00:18:07,267 --> 00:18:09,167
IT'S IN ALL MUSIC, YOU KNOW,

535
00:18:09,234 --> 00:18:12,100
LIKE EARLY ROCK AND ROLL, '50s,

536
00:18:12,167 --> 00:18:17,234
SHITTY MUSIC.

537
00:18:17,300 --> 00:18:17,500
[LAUGHTER]
BUT I NEVER LIKED IT.

538
00:18:18,100 --> 00:18:20,076
BUT IT'S LIKE ALL ABOUT HAVING
SEX WITH UNDERAGE GIRLS.

539
00:18:20,100 --> 00:18:20,801
REALLY?

540
00:18:20,868 --> 00:18:22,734
EVERY SONG, SHE'S 13.

541
00:18:22,801 --> 00:18:24,801
SHE'S 16.

542
00:18:24,868 --> 00:18:26,667
YOU KNOW, SHE'S 14.

543
00:18:26,734 --> 00:18:28,267
AND THEN NOBODY GAVE A SHIT.

544
00:18:28,334 --> 00:18:30,567
AND IT WAS JUST WHAT PEOPLE DID.

545
00:18:30,634 --> 00:18:32,434
EVEN WHEN I STARTED LISTENING TO

546
00:18:32,500 --> 00:18:34,300
MUSIC IN THE LATE '60s, IT WAS

547
00:18:34,367 --> 00:18:38,634
I REMEMBER THERE WAS YOUNG

548
00:18:38,701 --> 00:18:40,934
GIRL, GET OUT OF MY MIND.

549
00:18:41,000 --> 00:18:42,901
MY LOVE FOR YOU IS WAY OUT OF

550
00:18:42,968 --> 00:18:44,033
LINE.

551
00:18:44,100 --> 00:18:47,300
YES, WAY, WAY, WAY OUT OF LINE,

552
00:18:47,367 --> 00:18:48,434
AND YET I'M SINGING ABOUT

553
00:18:48,500 --> 00:18:49,500
IT.
NO ONE CARES.

554
00:18:50,167 --> 00:18:51,033
NO ONE'S TAKING IT OFF THE

555
00:18:51,100 --> 00:18:52,868
RADIO.

556
00:18:52,934 --> 00:18:58,801
IT'S JUST WHAT THEY THOUGHT.

557
00:18:58,868 --> 00:19:00,167
'90s RAP IS ALL BITCHES AND

558
00:19:00,234 --> 00:19:01,400
HOES.

559
00:19:01,467 --> 00:19:08,000
IT HAS NOT AGED WELL IN THE

560
00:19:08,067 --> 00:19:09,187
#MeToo ERA.
IT REALLY HASN'T.

561
00:19:09,400 --> 00:19:10,577
BUT THAT'S JUST WHERE WE WERE.

562
00:19:10,601 --> 00:19:11,681
AND BY THE WAY, I WILL PLAY

563
00:19:11,734 --> 00:19:13,467
WHOEVER I WANT TO PLAY.

564
00:19:13,534 --> 00:19:15,534
I'LL PLAY R. KELLY RIGHT NOW IN

565
00:19:15,601 --> 00:19:18,767
THE MIDDLE OF A COMEDY SHOW.

566
00:19:18,834 --> 00:19:24,000
THE MUSIC DIDN'T RAPE ANYBODY.

567
00:19:24,067 --> 00:19:30,334
[APPLAUSE]

568
00:19:30,400 --> 00:19:36,934
STRANGE APPLAUSE BREAKS HERE.

569
00:19:37,000 --> 00:19:38,834
I JUST... BECAUSE I CAN KEEP TWO

570
00:19:38,901 --> 00:19:39,467
THOUGHTS IN MY HEAD AT THE SAME

571
00:19:39,534 --> 00:19:40,868
TIME.

572
00:19:40,934 --> 00:19:42,367
YOU KNOW, "BEAT IT" IS STILL A

573
00:19:42,434 --> 00:19:44,467
GREAT RECORD.

574
00:19:44,534 --> 00:19:46,834
AND MICHAEL JACKSON WAS AN

575
00:19:46,901 --> 00:19:47,941
UNCONVENTIONAL BABYSITTER.

576
00:19:48,000 --> 00:19:53,234
LET'S JUST LEAVE IT AT THAT.

577
00:19:53,300 --> 00:19:53,734
[LAUGHTER]

578
00:19:53,801 --> 00:19:58,300
[APPLAUSE]

579
00:19:58,367 --> 00:20:01,334
ALSO, YOU KNOW, WE'RE DOING

580
00:20:01,400 --> 00:20:04,000
THINGS RIGHT NOW, ALL OF US,

581
00:20:04,067 --> 00:20:05,300
THAT FUTURE GENERATIONS ARE

582
00:20:05,367 --> 00:20:07,133
PROBABLY NOT GOING TO LOOK

583
00:20:07,200 --> 00:20:08,000
KINDLY ON A LOT OF THINGS WE DO

584
00:20:08,067 --> 00:20:10,334
NOW.

585
00:20:10,400 --> 00:20:11,920
MURDERING ANIMALS IN THE WOODS
FOR FUN.

586
00:20:11,968 --> 00:20:13,043
I DON'T THINK IT'S GOING TO LOOK

587
00:20:13,067 --> 00:20:13,701
GOOD IN THE FUTURE.

588
00:20:13,767 --> 00:20:15,033
[APPLAUSE]

589
00:20:15,100 --> 00:20:17,033
BOILING LOBSTERS ALIVE, AND

590
00:20:17,100 --> 00:20:18,901
REGARDING THE BIBLE AS SOME

591
00:20:18,968 --> 00:20:21,534
GREAT FONT OF WISDOM TO SWEAR ON

592
00:20:21,601 --> 00:20:22,968
AND ROYALTY, YOUR HIGHNESS, THAT

593
00:20:23,033 --> 00:20:23,934
BULLSHIT I DON'T THINK IS GOING

594
00:20:24,000 --> 00:20:25,634
TO LOOK GOOD.

595
00:20:25,701 --> 00:20:28,534
BEAUTY PAGEANTS, GET OUT HERE IN

596
00:20:28,601 --> 00:20:30,067
A BIKINI AND ANSWER A QUESTION

597
00:20:30,133 --> 00:20:35,234
ABOUT SYRIA, RIGHT NOW.

598
00:20:35,300 --> 00:20:35,500
[LAUGHTER]

599
00:20:35,567 --> 00:20:40,767
IS THAT GOING TO LOOK GOOD?

600
00:20:40,834 --> 00:20:41,901
YOU KNOW.

601
00:20:41,968 --> 00:20:43,067
YOU KNOW WHAT?

602
00:20:43,133 --> 00:20:44,868
I THINK IT'S NOT GOING TO LOOK

603
00:20:44,934 --> 00:20:45,834
GOOD, THIS WHOLE IDEA OF LET'S

604
00:20:45,901 --> 00:20:51,267
ALL BE AMATEUR CAB DRIVERS.

605
00:20:51,334 --> 00:20:51,601
[LAUGHS]

606
00:20:51,667 --> 00:20:52,901
I DON'T... I DON'T SEE THAT

607
00:20:52,968 --> 00:20:53,534
AGING WELL... I JUST...

608
00:20:53,601 --> 00:20:56,000
AND OF COURSE, THE ONE I'VE BEEN

609
00:20:56,067 --> 00:20:57,701
ROOTING AGAINST FOR THE LONGEST

610
00:20:57,767 --> 00:20:59,300
TIME, HOPING IT WOULD GO AWAY.

611
00:20:59,367 --> 00:21:00,534
IT NEVER GOES AWAY, TATTOOS?

612
00:21:00,601 --> 00:21:02,500
NEVER BEEN A FAN.

613
00:21:02,567 --> 00:21:03,500
[APPLAUSE]

614
00:21:03,567 --> 00:21:04,934
OH, GOOD.

615
00:21:05,000 --> 00:21:07,801
SOME PEOPLE WITH ME ON THAT.

616
00:21:07,868 --> 00:21:09,400
YEAH.

617
00:21:09,467 --> 00:21:10,707
I THOUGHT IT WOULD GO AWAY, AND

618
00:21:10,734 --> 00:21:11,234
IT JUST HAS GOTTEN WORSE.

619
00:21:11,300 --> 00:21:13,133
IT'S LIKE A FUNGUS.

620
00:21:13,200 --> 00:21:14,410
IT'S MOVING UP THE ARM, AND NOW

621
00:21:14,434 --> 00:21:15,334
IT'S... IT'S ON THE NECK.

622
00:21:15,400 --> 00:21:17,234
IT'S GOING UP TO THE FACE.

623
00:21:17,300 --> 00:21:22,167
[LAUGHTER]

624
00:21:22,234 --> 00:21:24,534
IT'S THE... THE ONES IN WRITING

625
00:21:24,601 --> 00:21:25,734
TATTOO.

626
00:21:25,801 --> 00:21:26,567
THOSE ARE THE ONES THAT REALLY

627
00:21:26,634 --> 00:21:29,100
BUG ME.

628
00:21:29,167 --> 00:21:31,234
I'M ALWAYS LIKE, REALLY?

629
00:21:31,300 --> 00:21:35,100
YOU COULDN'T JUST REMEMBER THAT?

630
00:21:35,167 --> 00:21:35,367
[LAUGHTER]

631
00:21:35,434 --> 00:21:36,510
I MEAN, IT'S... IT'S FIVE WORDS.

632
00:21:36,534 --> 00:21:37,234
IT'S YOUR LIFE PHILOSOPHY.

633
00:21:37,300 --> 00:21:38,767
THERE ARE PEOPLE GOING AROUND,

634
00:21:38,834 --> 00:21:40,300
OH, BOY, IF I CAN ONLY REMEMBER

635
00:21:40,367 --> 00:21:43,100
WHAT MY PHILOSOPHY OF LIFE IS, I

636
00:21:43,167 --> 00:21:45,100
COULD GET OUT OF THIS JAM, BUT I

637
00:21:45,167 --> 00:21:51,267
JUST CAN'T, OH, YEAH.

638
00:21:51,334 --> 00:21:52,334
[LAUGHTER]
THAT'S RIGHT.

639
00:21:52,567 --> 00:21:55,434
EVERYTHING HAPPENS FOR A REASON.

640
00:21:55,500 --> 00:21:56,510
I KNEW IT WAS SOMETHING REALLY

641
00:21:56,534 --> 00:21:58,000
STUPID.

642
00:21:58,067 --> 00:22:01,801
[APPLAUSE]

643
00:22:01,868 --> 00:22:03,133
BUT OF COURSE, THAT'S ONLY IF

644
00:22:03,200 --> 00:22:05,467
YOU HAVE... IF YOU HAVE THE

645
00:22:05,534 --> 00:22:07,500
TATTOO IN THE FRONT SOMEWHERE.

646
00:22:07,567 --> 00:22:10,067
WHAT ABOUT PEOPLE WHO PUT THE

647
00:22:10,133 --> 00:22:10,400
TATTOOS BACK?

648
00:22:10,467 --> 00:22:17,133
WHAT ABOUT THAT POOR GUY?

649
00:22:17,200 --> 00:22:17,400
[LAUGHTER]
HE'S GOT TO GET A STRANGER TO

650
00:22:18,200 --> 00:22:19,200
HELP.
I'M SORRY.

651
00:22:19,367 --> 00:22:20,167
COULD YOU... SORRY TO BOTHER

652
00:22:20,234 --> 00:22:23,167
YOU, BUT MY LIFE PHILOSOPHY IS

653
00:22:23,234 --> 00:22:24,300
RIGHT ABOVE MY ASS CRACK.

654
00:22:24,367 --> 00:22:28,934
COULD YOU?

655
00:22:29,000 --> 00:22:29,200
[LAUGHTER]
IT WOULD BE SO HELPFUL IF YOU

656
00:22:29,901 --> 00:22:31,310
WOULD JUST TELL ME ONLY THE
STRONG SURVIVE.

657
00:22:31,334 --> 00:22:33,033
THANK YOU SO MUCH.

658
00:22:33,100 --> 00:22:34,367
THAT MEANS A LOT TO ME.

659
00:22:34,434 --> 00:22:36,033
I WILL.

660
00:22:36,100 --> 00:22:37,801
I'M SORRY.

661
00:22:37,868 --> 00:22:39,167
BEFORE YOU GO, MY KIDS BIRTH

662
00:22:39,234 --> 00:22:43,934
DATES ARE UNDER MY BALL SACK.

663
00:22:44,000 --> 00:22:44,200
[LAUGHTER]
WOULD YOU JUST... MARCH 12 AND

664
00:22:44,868 --> 00:22:46,234
DECEMBER 13.

665
00:22:46,300 --> 00:22:46,968
I KNEW THAT.

666
00:22:47,033 --> 00:22:50,133
THANK YOU SO MUCH.

667
00:22:50,200 --> 00:22:52,200
I MEAN, YOU HAVE TO WRITE IT.

668
00:22:52,267 --> 00:22:54,100
I NEVER UNDERSTOOD THAT WHOLE,

669
00:22:54,167 --> 00:22:55,210
YOU KNOW, WE DO THIS TO REMIND

670
00:22:55,234 --> 00:22:56,410
US THING THAT PEOPLE DO WITH A

671
00:22:56,434 --> 00:22:58,234
LOT OF RELIGION.

672
00:22:58,300 --> 00:22:59,376
OF COURSE, THE NUMBER ONE THING

673
00:22:59,400 --> 00:23:01,334
THAT DOES THIS, YOU KNOW, WE...

674
00:23:01,400 --> 00:23:03,567
WE WEAR THESE FUZZY HATS

675
00:23:03,634 --> 00:23:05,067
IN THE SUMMER TO REMIND US WHAT

676
00:23:05,133 --> 00:23:07,133
THAT'S HOT.

677
00:23:07,200 --> 00:23:09,667
YOU KNOW, THERE'S A CHRISTIAN

678
00:23:09,734 --> 00:23:10,743
SECT CALLED CATHOLICS, I GUESS,

679
00:23:10,767 --> 00:23:11,601
OPUS DEI.

680
00:23:11,667 --> 00:23:13,334
YOU KNOW, THESE PEOPLE THEY

681
00:23:13,400 --> 00:23:15,968
LIKE, THEY WEAR A SPIKED METAL

682
00:23:16,033 --> 00:23:18,267
CLAMP AROUND THEIR THIGH ALL DAY

683
00:23:18,334 --> 00:23:19,476
DIGGING INTO YOU TILL YOU DON'T

684
00:23:19,500 --> 00:23:20,634
FORGET ABOUT GOD.

685
00:23:20,701 --> 00:23:24,667
HE'S DIGGING INTO YOU.

686
00:23:24,734 --> 00:23:24,934
[LAUGHTER]
DIG IT.

687
00:23:25,434 --> 00:23:27,210
DON'T FORGET HIM FOR ONE SECOND.
HE'S DIGGING.

688
00:23:27,234 --> 00:23:27,968
THERE'S GOT TO BE AN EASIER WAY,

689
00:23:28,033 --> 00:23:29,300
PEOPLE.

690
00:23:29,367 --> 00:23:30,607
I MEAN, HERE'S MY SUGGESTION TO

691
00:23:30,667 --> 00:23:31,834
RELIGIOUS PEOPLE.

692
00:23:31,901 --> 00:23:32,968
YOU KNOW WHAT YOU DO?

693
00:23:33,033 --> 00:23:38,901
EAT BEANS.

694
00:23:38,968 --> 00:23:39,167
[LAUGHTER]

695
00:23:39,234 --> 00:23:40,934
EAT BEANS AT EVERY MEAL AND LET

696
00:23:41,000 --> 00:23:43,033
FARTING BE WHAT REMINDS YOU OF

697
00:23:43,100 --> 00:23:46,567
GOD, YOU KNOW, IT'S PERFECT.

698
00:23:46,634 --> 00:23:48,300
OH, YES, THAT'S RIGHT, GOD.

699
00:23:48,367 --> 00:23:49,667
AND IT'S BETTER THAN THE HAT OR

700
00:23:49,734 --> 00:23:53,400
THE CLAMP OR THESE THINGS,

701
00:23:53,467 --> 00:23:54,710
BECAUSE THOSE ARE... YOU FORGET
ABOUT THEM BECAUSE THEY'RE

702
00:23:54,734 --> 00:23:56,134
ALWAYS THERE.
THIS IS LIKE AN ALERT.

703
00:23:56,334 --> 00:23:57,133
YOU KNOW, YOU JUST YOU DON'T

704
00:23:57,200 --> 00:23:58,310
KNOW EXACTLY WHEN IT'S COMING

705
00:23:58,334 --> 00:23:59,601
AND YOU'RE JUST FORGETTING

706
00:23:59,667 --> 00:24:02,667
ABOUT GOD AND THE OH, THAT'S

707
00:24:02,734 --> 00:24:03,300
RIGHT, GOD.

708
00:24:03,367 --> 00:24:08,467
THANK YOU, ASS.

709
00:24:08,534 --> 00:24:08,734
[LAUGHTER]

710
00:24:08,801 --> 00:24:10,500
BUT LOOK, I HAVE NEVER BEEN ONE

711
00:24:10,567 --> 00:24:11,500
TO MAKE FUN OF RELIGION.

712
00:24:11,567 --> 00:24:16,500
I...

713
00:24:16,567 --> 00:24:18,200
[LAUGHTER]

714
00:24:18,267 --> 00:24:19,543
ME?
OH, I THINK YOU'RE CONFUSING ME

715
00:24:19,567 --> 00:24:21,067
WITH ANOTHER COMEDIAN.

716
00:24:21,133 --> 00:24:22,634
BUT NO, I HAVE MADE RELIGION A

717
00:24:22,701 --> 00:24:24,434
THEME OF MY CAREER, ALTHOUGH I

718
00:24:24,500 --> 00:24:26,434
WOULD HARDLY SAY I'M NOT AN

719
00:24:26,500 --> 00:24:28,033
EXPERT IN CHRISTIANITY.

720
00:24:28,100 --> 00:24:30,500
I'M NOT AN EXPERT IN ISLAM.

721
00:24:30,567 --> 00:24:33,000
I'M NOT AN EXPERT IN JUDAISM.

722
00:24:33,067 --> 00:24:33,667
ALTHOUGH I TRY NEVER TO PAY

723
00:24:33,734 --> 00:24:35,500
RETAIL.

724
00:24:35,567 --> 00:24:40,567
[LAUGHTER]

725
00:24:40,634 --> 00:24:42,334
BUT I GOT TO TELL YOU, ALL THESE

726
00:24:42,400 --> 00:24:44,701
YEARS MAKING FUN OF RELIGION, I

727
00:24:44,767 --> 00:24:46,500
KIND OF HAD IT WRONG BECAUSE I

728
00:24:46,567 --> 00:24:48,167
ALWAYS WAS ASKING THE QUESTION,

729
00:24:48,234 --> 00:24:50,968
HOW CAN OTHERWISE INTELLIGENT

730
00:24:51,033 --> 00:24:53,634
PEOPLE LIKE WALL OFF A PART OF

731
00:24:53,701 --> 00:24:55,634
THEIR MIND AND BELIEVE STUFF

732
00:24:55,701 --> 00:25:00,234
THAT THEY MUST KNOW IN THE OTHER

733
00:25:00,300 --> 00:25:01,677
PART OF THEIR MIND IS NONSENSE?
AND I DIDN'T GET IT, FAITH.

734
00:25:01,701 --> 00:25:03,000
IT'S NOT A BUG, IT'S A FEATURE.

735
00:25:03,067 --> 00:25:04,868
THEY LIKE THAT.

736
00:25:04,934 --> 00:25:06,868
THE STUPIDER IT IS, THE BETTER,

737
00:25:06,934 --> 00:25:08,234
BECAUSE THAT PROVES THEIR FAITH

738
00:25:08,300 --> 00:25:08,934
AND THAT'S WHAT MAKES THEM FEEL

739
00:25:09,000 --> 00:25:10,968
GOOD.

740
00:25:11,033 --> 00:25:12,834
THAT'S WHY AMERICANS, YOU KNOW

741
00:25:12,901 --> 00:25:14,234
WHO THEY LOVE IN THE BIBLE OF

742
00:25:14,300 --> 00:25:15,200
ALL THE BIBLE CHARACTERS THE

743
00:25:15,267 --> 00:25:17,767
MOST, NOAH.

744
00:25:17,834 --> 00:25:21,133
AMERICANS LOVE THEM SOME NOAH

745
00:25:21,200 --> 00:25:21,667
BECAUSE... BECAUSE HE'S A

746
00:25:21,734 --> 00:25:23,500
MAN OF FAITH.

747
00:25:23,567 --> 00:25:26,434
BECAUSE HE IS GIVEN AN ORDER BY

748
00:25:26,500 --> 00:25:27,580
GOD, GOD SAYS, I'M GOING TO

749
00:25:27,634 --> 00:25:29,434
FUCKING KILL EVERYTHING IN THIS

750
00:25:29,500 --> 00:25:32,701
PLANET.

751
00:25:32,767 --> 00:25:33,877
[LAUGHTER]
I'M GOING TO DROWN EVERY LAST

752
00:25:33,901 --> 00:25:36,100
ONE OF YOU MOTHERFUCKERS.

753
00:25:36,167 --> 00:25:37,701
AND NOAH DOES NOT SAY, THAT'S A

754
00:25:37,767 --> 00:25:41,300
TERRIBLE IDEA.

755
00:25:41,367 --> 00:25:41,567
[LAUGHTER]
THAT'S... NO.

756
00:25:42,133 --> 00:25:43,733
NOAH'S LIKE, I'M ON IT, BOSS.
GREAT IDEA.

757
00:25:43,901 --> 00:25:45,101
LET'S BUILD A BOAT.
YOU GOT IT.

758
00:25:45,200 --> 00:25:46,968
40 CUBITS.

759
00:25:47,033 --> 00:25:47,767
I AM ON MY WAY TO HOME DEPOT

760
00:25:47,834 --> 00:25:51,300
RIGHT NOW, SIR.

761
00:25:51,367 --> 00:25:51,567
[LAUGHTER]

762
00:25:51,634 --> 00:25:53,300
I'M... YOU KNOW... HE JUST...

763
00:25:53,367 --> 00:25:54,701
[LAUGHTER]

764
00:25:54,767 --> 00:25:55,901
AND THAT'S NOT EVEN THE MOST

765
00:25:55,968 --> 00:25:57,328
FUCKED UP PART OF THAT BIBLE
STORY.

766
00:25:57,801 --> 00:25:58,267
STORY.

767
00:25:58,334 --> 00:26:01,801
IT'S IN THE BIBLE.

768
00:26:01,868 --> 00:26:05,934
THE MOST FUCKED UP PART IS AFTER

769
00:26:06,000 --> 00:26:07,367
THE FLOOD, GOD TALKS TO NOAH

770
00:26:07,434 --> 00:26:10,234
AGAIN, THIS TIME BECAUSE HE

771
00:26:10,300 --> 00:26:11,620
FEELS BAD ABOUT KILLING
EVERYBODY.

772
00:26:12,200 --> 00:26:15,601
[LAUGHTER]

773
00:26:15,667 --> 00:26:17,701
SO GOD IS THIS ORB OF PERFECT

774
00:26:17,767 --> 00:26:19,234
ENERGY, THE SUPER UBER RULER OF

775
00:26:19,300 --> 00:26:20,734
THE UNIVERSE.

776
00:26:20,801 --> 00:26:21,534
BUT HE FEELS LIKE SHIT WHEN HE

777
00:26:21,601 --> 00:26:23,834
FUCKS UP.

778
00:26:23,901 --> 00:26:25,200
THIS IS SO INTERESTING, AND WE

779
00:26:25,267 --> 00:26:26,834
KNOW HE DOES FEEL THIS WAY

780
00:26:26,901 --> 00:26:28,934
BECAUSE THE BIBLE SAYS THIS WAS

781
00:26:29,000 --> 00:26:30,210
THE MOMENT THAT GOD CREATED THE

782
00:26:30,234 --> 00:26:32,868
RAINBOW.

783
00:26:32,934 --> 00:26:35,434
BEFORE THIS, NO RAINBOWS.

784
00:26:35,500 --> 00:26:37,634
GOD CREATED THE RAINBOW AS A

785
00:26:37,701 --> 00:26:39,701
GIFT TO NOAH, A SYMPATHY

786
00:26:39,767 --> 00:26:41,601
PRESENT, A KIND OF A... I'M NOT

787
00:26:41,667 --> 00:26:42,987
MAKING... LOOK, IT'S IN THE
BIBLE.

788
00:26:43,500 --> 00:26:44,601
I'M NOT MAKING THIS UP.

789
00:26:44,667 --> 00:26:46,300
HE FELT BAD.

790
00:26:46,367 --> 00:26:47,476
HE WAS LIKE, NOAH, I FEEL LIKE

791
00:26:47,500 --> 00:26:48,500
I'M SUCH A DICK.

792
00:26:48,534 --> 00:26:52,701
THAT WAS SUCH A DICK MOVE.

793
00:26:52,767 --> 00:26:52,968
[LAUGHTER]
I... I DROWNED BABIES.

794
00:26:53,534 --> 00:26:54,167
DIDN'T I?

795
00:26:54,234 --> 00:26:56,234
I DROWNED BABIES.

796
00:26:56,300 --> 00:26:57,334
I... I SHOULDN'T DRINK.

797
00:26:57,400 --> 00:27:00,267
THAT'S WHAT IT IS.

798
00:27:00,334 --> 00:27:00,534
[LAUGHTER]
I SHOULDN'T DRINK.

799
00:27:01,200 --> 00:27:02,677
I'M A NICE GOD.
AND THEN I TURN INTO THIS

800
00:27:02,701 --> 00:27:04,868
ASSHOLE.

801
00:27:04,934 --> 00:27:06,234
ANYWAY, I FEEL TERRIBLE.

802
00:27:06,300 --> 00:27:09,200
I GOT YOU SOMETHING.

803
00:27:09,267 --> 00:27:09,801
BRING IT IN, FELLAS.

804
00:27:09,868 --> 00:27:11,734
YOU'RE GOING TO LOVE THIS.

805
00:27:11,801 --> 00:27:12,300
IT'S... I'VE NEVER SEEN THIS

806
00:27:12,367 --> 00:27:13,467
BEFORE.

807
00:27:13,534 --> 00:27:16,167
TILT IT.

808
00:27:16,234 --> 00:27:17,868
IT'S A... TILT IT... IS THAT

809
00:27:17,934 --> 00:27:19,033
GORGEOUS?

810
00:27:19,100 --> 00:27:21,567
THAT'S A RAINBOW.

811
00:27:21,634 --> 00:27:22,743
[LAUGHTER]
THAT IS A RAINBOW.

812
00:27:22,767 --> 00:27:24,476
YOU'RE GOING TO... IT'S GOING TO
MAKE THIS PLACE POP.

813
00:27:24,500 --> 00:27:25,267
YOU WERE GOING TO LOVE THIS

814
00:27:25,334 --> 00:27:26,734
THING.

815
00:27:26,801 --> 00:27:27,961
JUST NO... LET ME... I... LET

816
00:27:28,000 --> 00:27:28,601
ME DO IT.

817
00:27:28,667 --> 00:27:30,534
I FEEL TERRIBLE.

818
00:27:30,601 --> 00:27:32,167
IT MAKES ME FEEL BETTER, ENJOY,

819
00:27:32,234 --> 00:27:34,033
ENJOY, ENJOY, JUST DON'T DO

820
00:27:34,100 --> 00:27:38,801
ANYTHING GAY WITH IT.

821
00:27:38,868 --> 00:27:39,567
[LAUGHTER]

822
00:27:39,634 --> 00:27:41,000
THAT'S...

823
00:27:41,067 --> 00:27:41,667
[LAUGHTER]

824
00:27:41,734 --> 00:27:43,968
OH, WE KID.

825
00:27:44,033 --> 00:27:44,734
WE KID RELIGION IN A GOOD

826
00:27:44,801 --> 00:27:47,434
NATUREDLY WAY.

827
00:27:47,500 --> 00:27:48,434
NO.

828
00:27:48,500 --> 00:27:49,577
YOU KNOW WHAT THE SCARY THING

829
00:27:49,601 --> 00:27:50,801
ABOUT RELIGION THESE DAYS

830
00:27:50,868 --> 00:27:52,567
IS THAT IT'S SORT OF LIKE

831
00:27:52,634 --> 00:27:54,701
CROSS-POLLINATING WITH POLITICS,

832
00:27:54,767 --> 00:27:56,267
LIKE, THAT'S WHAT QANON IS,

833
00:27:56,334 --> 00:27:57,734
RIGHT?

834
00:27:57,801 --> 00:27:59,033
ANY QANON PEOPLE HERE?

835
00:27:59,100 --> 00:28:01,267
YOU'RE WELCOME, AND... OH, SHIT.

836
00:28:01,334 --> 00:28:04,567
[LAUGHTER]

837
00:28:04,634 --> 00:28:06,167
OKAY.

838
00:28:06,234 --> 00:28:07,367
NO, NO.

839
00:28:07,434 --> 00:28:09,100
EVERYONE IS WELCOME AT MY SHOW.

840
00:28:09,167 --> 00:28:10,601
THAT'S ONE OF MY BIG THEMES.

841
00:28:10,667 --> 00:28:12,100
EVERYONE IS WELCOME, INCLUDING

842
00:28:12,167 --> 00:28:16,367
QANON PEOPLE.

843
00:28:16,434 --> 00:28:17,901
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

844
00:28:17,968 --> 00:28:19,410
WE DO HAVE A LITTLE BIT OF A
CONSPIRACY THEORY PROBLEM IN

845
00:28:19,434 --> 00:28:20,467
THIS COUNTRY.

846
00:28:20,534 --> 00:28:22,968
AND I'LL TELL YOU WHO DID NOT

847
00:28:23,033 --> 00:28:24,300
HELP WITH THAT WAS THAT GUY,

848
00:28:24,367 --> 00:28:26,701
JEFFREY EPSTEIN, I THINK, USED

849
00:28:26,767 --> 00:28:28,767
TO LIVE HERE IN THIS AREA.

850
00:28:28,834 --> 00:28:30,968
[LAUGHTER]

851
00:28:31,033 --> 00:28:32,467
YOU KNOW, BECAUSE BY RUNNING A

852
00:28:32,534 --> 00:28:34,033
PEDOPHILE RING FOR THE WORLD'S

853
00:28:34,100 --> 00:28:37,767
ELITE, IT JUST YOU KNOW, IT JUST

854
00:28:37,834 --> 00:28:38,944
LOOKED BAD TO THE PEOPLE... TO

855
00:28:38,968 --> 00:28:43,167
THE PEOPLE WHO THOUGHT THAT

856
00:28:43,234 --> 00:28:44,376
MAYBE THE WORLD'S ELITE,
YOU KNOW, WE'RE RUNNING A

857
00:28:44,400 --> 00:28:48,400
PEDOPHILE RING.

858
00:28:48,467 --> 00:28:48,667
[LAUGHTER]
I'M JUST... I'M NOT SAYING

859
00:28:49,434 --> 00:28:50,643
THAT'S WHAT WAS GOING ON.
IT JUST LOOKED BAD.

860
00:28:50,667 --> 00:28:51,901
BUT CAN YOU... CAN YOU BLAME

861
00:28:51,968 --> 00:28:53,634
AMERICANS, YOU KNOW, FOR BEING

862
00:28:53,701 --> 00:28:56,133
TURNED OFF TO POLITICS?

863
00:28:56,200 --> 00:28:58,267
I MEAN, HALF THE COUNTRY THINKS

864
00:28:58,334 --> 00:29:02,400
THAT THE OPPOSITION PARTY EATS

865
00:29:02,467 --> 00:29:03,710
BABIES, AND THE OTHER HALF WANTS

866
00:29:03,734 --> 00:29:09,467
TO CANCEL DR. SEUSS.

867
00:29:09,534 --> 00:29:09,734
[LAUGHTER]

868
00:29:09,801 --> 00:29:10,841
YOU KNOW, WHERE DO YOU GO?

869
00:29:10,868 --> 00:29:11,767
AND LOOK, I WORRY ABOUT THE

870
00:29:11,834 --> 00:29:13,133
DEMOCRATS BECAUSE THE SHIT THAT

871
00:29:13,200 --> 00:29:14,434
THEY DO THAT PISSES OFF VOTERS

872
00:29:14,500 --> 00:29:17,067
STRIKES A LOT CLOSER TO HOME.

873
00:29:17,133 --> 00:29:18,934
YOU KNOW, YOU HEARD ME.

874
00:29:19,000 --> 00:29:21,400
I HAPPEN TO THINK THE TWO

875
00:29:21,467 --> 00:29:22,834
BIGGEST ISSUES OF OUR TIME ARE

876
00:29:22,901 --> 00:29:24,400
THE ENVIRONMENT AND DEMOCRACY.

877
00:29:24,467 --> 00:29:26,067
BUT...

878
00:29:26,133 --> 00:29:29,400
[APPLAUSE]

879
00:29:29,467 --> 00:29:30,367
GOOD.

880
00:29:30,434 --> 00:29:32,567
I'M GLAD I'M NOT ALONE.

881
00:29:32,634 --> 00:29:33,434
BUT, YOU KNOW, I DON'T HAVE

882
00:29:33,500 --> 00:29:34,868
KIDS.

883
00:29:34,934 --> 00:29:36,634
TO A LOT OF KIDS, TO A LOT OF

884
00:29:36,701 --> 00:29:38,667
PEOPLE, RATHER, IT'S KIDS AND

885
00:29:38,734 --> 00:29:40,400
SCHOOLS.

886
00:29:40,467 --> 00:29:42,167
I'LL TELL YOU A LITTLE STORY.

887
00:29:42,234 --> 00:29:43,667
BROUGHT IT HOME TO ME, I WAS

888
00:29:43,734 --> 00:29:46,200
CATCHING UP WITH THIS OLD FRIEND

889
00:29:46,267 --> 00:29:47,200
OF MINE RECENTLY, AND SHE HAS A

890
00:29:47,267 --> 00:29:49,434
SEVEN YEAR OLD DAUGHTER NOW.

891
00:29:49,500 --> 00:29:50,834
AND FOR SOME REASON I WAS

892
00:29:50,901 --> 00:29:53,434
TELLING HER ABOUT THE TIME WHEN

893
00:29:53,500 --> 00:29:54,400
I WAS SEVEN AND I WAS SITTING IN

894
00:29:54,467 --> 00:29:55,968
MY FIRST GRADE CLASS AND MY

895
00:29:56,033 --> 00:29:56,767
FATHER SUDDENLY APPEARED AT THE

896
00:29:56,834 --> 00:29:58,167
FRONT OF THE CLASSROOM.

897
00:29:58,234 --> 00:29:59,100
I WAS LIKE, WHOA, WHAT THE FUCK

898
00:29:59,167 --> 00:30:00,167
IS HE DOING HERE?

899
00:30:00,200 --> 00:30:01,200
[LAUGHTER]
WHAT...

900
00:30:01,767 --> 00:30:03,167
BUT HE WAS THERE TO TAKE ME OUT

901
00:30:03,234 --> 00:30:04,167
OF SCHOOL TO GO TO MY FIRST

902
00:30:04,234 --> 00:30:05,367
BASEBALL GAME.

903
00:30:05,434 --> 00:30:06,033
YEAH, I KNOW.

904
00:30:06,100 --> 00:30:08,267
IT WAS A GREAT MEMORY.

905
00:30:08,334 --> 00:30:09,443
AND SHE SAID TO ME, OH, COULDN'T

906
00:30:09,467 --> 00:30:10,467
DO THAT.

907
00:30:10,500 --> 00:30:11,510
I WAS LIKE, WHAT DO YOU MEAN?

908
00:30:11,534 --> 00:30:12,610
SHE SAID, I CAN'T JUST WALK INTO

909
00:30:12,634 --> 00:30:13,434
MY SCHOOL.

910
00:30:13,500 --> 00:30:14,567
WHAT?

911
00:30:14,634 --> 00:30:15,934
SHE SAID, NO, YOU HAVE TO CALL

912
00:30:16,000 --> 00:30:17,243
UP, MAKE AN APPOINTMENT, TALK TO

913
00:30:17,267 --> 00:30:20,100
THE PERSON, PROVIDE A REASON FOR

914
00:30:20,167 --> 00:30:23,200
YOUR OWN KID, HOW ABOUT SHE

915
00:30:23,267 --> 00:30:25,234
CRAWLED OUT OF MY VAGINA AS A...

916
00:30:25,300 --> 00:30:26,467
[LAUGHTER]

917
00:30:26,534 --> 00:30:30,067
HOW ABOUT THAT REASON?

918
00:30:30,133 --> 00:30:31,367
[APPLAUSE]

919
00:30:31,434 --> 00:30:32,534
I MEAN, THERE ARE PEOPLE IN

920
00:30:32,601 --> 00:30:33,467
CALIFORNIA WHO WANT TO REMOVE

921
00:30:33,534 --> 00:30:34,734
SEX COMPLETELY FROM THE BIRTH

922
00:30:34,801 --> 00:30:37,434
CERTIFICATE.

923
00:30:37,500 --> 00:30:39,701
YOU DIDN'T HAVE A BOY.

924
00:30:39,767 --> 00:30:41,367
YOU HAD A HUMAN WITH A PENIS.

925
00:30:41,434 --> 00:30:43,467
WHETHER THAT'S A BOY IS... AT

926
00:30:43,534 --> 00:30:47,968
BEST, A MAYBE.

927
00:30:48,033 --> 00:30:48,234
[LAUGHTER]
LET'S WAIT UNTIL THEY'RE THREE

928
00:30:48,901 --> 00:30:54,334
AND LET THEM DECIDE FOR

929
00:30:54,400 --> 00:30:55,400
THEYSELF.
[LAUGHTER]

930
00:30:55,868 --> 00:30:57,410
I MEAN, MARIO LOPEZ WAS ALMOST
CANCELED FOR QUESTIONING THE

931
00:30:57,434 --> 00:30:58,601
WISDOM OF LETTING THREE YEAR

932
00:30:58,667 --> 00:31:00,767
OLDS DECIDE THEIR GENDER.

933
00:31:00,834 --> 00:31:03,834
HERE'S A CRAZY IDEA.

934
00:31:03,901 --> 00:31:05,801
MAYBE... MAYBE WE SHOULDN'T LET

935
00:31:05,868 --> 00:31:07,968
KIDS MAKE BIG LIFE DECISIONS

936
00:31:08,033 --> 00:31:09,313
WHILE WE STILL HAVE TO MAKE CHOO

937
00:31:09,367 --> 00:31:10,200
CHOO NOISES TO GET THE FOOD IN

938
00:31:10,267 --> 00:31:13,467
THEIR MOUTH.

939
00:31:13,534 --> 00:31:15,367
[APPLAUSE]

940
00:31:15,434 --> 00:31:16,443
DEMOCRATS JUST STOP BEING THE

941
00:31:16,467 --> 00:31:21,467
PARTY OF NO COMMON SENSE.

942
00:31:21,534 --> 00:31:23,968
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

943
00:31:24,033 --> 00:31:25,300
BERNIE SANDERS CAME OUT FOR THE

944
00:31:25,367 --> 00:31:26,801
BOSTON MARATHON BOMBER TO HAVE

945
00:31:26,868 --> 00:31:27,868
THE RIGHT TO VOTE.
OKAY.

946
00:31:28,667 --> 00:31:30,934
I CAN'T GO WITH YOU THERE.

947
00:31:31,000 --> 00:31:33,834
JULIAN CASTRO SAID TRANSWOMEN

948
00:31:33,901 --> 00:31:34,400
SHOULD HAVE THE RIGHT TO AN

949
00:31:34,467 --> 00:31:36,767
ABORTION.

950
00:31:36,834 --> 00:31:40,701
OKAY.

951
00:31:40,767 --> 00:31:40,968
[LAUGHTER]

952
00:31:41,033 --> 00:31:42,243
WELL, THEY DON'T HAVE A UTERUS.

953
00:31:42,267 --> 00:31:43,067
THAT'S GOING TO BE TRY SELLING

954
00:31:43,133 --> 00:31:44,567
THAT IN THE RED STATES.

955
00:31:44,634 --> 00:31:46,601
IF A MAN IDENTIFIES AS A WOMAN,

956
00:31:46,667 --> 00:31:48,100
WE STAND WITH HER RIGHT NOT ONLY

957
00:31:48,167 --> 00:31:49,467
TO IMAGINE THAT SHE'S PREGNANT.

958
00:31:49,534 --> 00:31:52,934
[LAUGHTER]

959
00:31:53,000 --> 00:31:54,834
BUT TO ABORT THAT IMAGINARY

960
00:31:54,901 --> 00:31:56,400
CHILD BECAUSE THERE'S NOTHING

961
00:31:56,467 --> 00:31:57,534
SADDER THAN AN UNWANTED

962
00:31:57,601 --> 00:32:02,634
IMAGINARY CHILD.

963
00:32:02,701 --> 00:32:02,901
[LAUGHTER]
[APPLAUSE]

964
00:32:03,500 --> 00:32:04,400
WHAT'S THAT?

965
00:32:04,467 --> 00:32:08,767
WE LOST AGAIN?

966
00:32:08,834 --> 00:32:10,043
FUCK.
I MEAN, THIS ALWAYS COMES FROM A

967
00:32:10,067 --> 00:32:10,567
GOOD PLACE WITH LIBERALS, I

968
00:32:10,634 --> 00:32:11,734
THINK.

969
00:32:11,801 --> 00:32:12,534
YOU KNOW, I MEAN, I'M SURE THE

970
00:32:12,601 --> 00:32:13,901
WORLD WOULD BE A BETTER PLACE IF

971
00:32:13,968 --> 00:32:14,868
WE HAD A WICCAN ON THE SUPREME

972
00:32:14,934 --> 00:32:19,734
COURT AND...

973
00:32:19,801 --> 00:32:20,100
[LAUGHTER]

974
00:32:20,167 --> 00:32:22,334
GAY SEX SATURDAYS AND UNIVERSAL

975
00:32:22,400 --> 00:32:25,400
HOT YOGA AND CARBON NEUTRAL BABY

976
00:32:25,467 --> 00:32:29,000
CHANGING STATIONS.

977
00:32:29,067 --> 00:32:30,307
BUT AFTER A WHILE, PEOPLE JUST,

978
00:32:30,367 --> 00:32:30,801
YOU KNOW, YOU COULD JUST

979
00:32:30,868 --> 00:32:32,567
SATURATE THEM.

980
00:32:32,634 --> 00:32:34,601
EVERY TIME THE... EVERY TIME THE

981
00:32:34,667 --> 00:32:36,200
DEMOCRATS LOSE AN ELECTION, THEY

982
00:32:36,267 --> 00:32:36,834
ALWAYS SAY, WELL, WE DIDN'T GET

983
00:32:36,901 --> 00:32:38,133
OUR MESSAGE OUT.

984
00:32:38,200 --> 00:32:41,801
NO, YOU DID.

985
00:32:41,868 --> 00:32:42,067
[LAUGHTER]
THAT'S THE PROBLEM.

986
00:32:42,868 --> 00:32:43,367
YOU DID.

987
00:32:43,434 --> 00:32:45,067
[APPLAUSE]

988
00:32:45,133 --> 00:32:46,868
AND THE MESSAGE IS WE NEVER

989
00:32:46,934 --> 00:32:48,601
STAND UP TO THE PEOPLE WHO WAKE

990
00:32:48,667 --> 00:32:50,400
UP OFFENDED AND LIVE ON TWITTER

991
00:32:50,467 --> 00:32:51,367
AND...

992
00:32:51,434 --> 00:32:57,434
[APPLAUSE]

993
00:32:57,500 --> 00:33:00,067
AND AMERICA IS NOT TWITTER.

994
00:33:00,133 --> 00:33:01,573
THEY HAVEN'T LEARNED THAT LESSON
YET.

995
00:33:01,701 --> 00:33:02,234
I DON'T EVEN FUCK WITH TWITTER

996
00:33:02,300 --> 00:33:07,767
ANYMORE.

997
00:33:07,834 --> 00:33:09,801
I MEAN, WHY?

998
00:33:09,868 --> 00:33:11,243
I COULD TWEET GOOD MORNING.
AND THE FIRST TEN RESPONSES

999
00:33:11,267 --> 00:33:12,510
WOULD BE, WELL, I'M SURE EVERY
MORNING IS GOOD FOR YOU WITH

1000
00:33:12,534 --> 00:33:13,767
YOUR WHITE PRIVILEGE.

1001
00:33:13,834 --> 00:33:16,000
[LAUGHTER]

1002
00:33:16,067 --> 00:33:16,934
OKAY.

1003
00:33:17,000 --> 00:33:20,334
I CAN'T.

1004
00:33:20,400 --> 00:33:21,234
AND YOU KNOW, THAT IS NOT

1005
00:33:21,300 --> 00:33:23,334
LIBERALISM.

1006
00:33:23,400 --> 00:33:24,934
LIBERALISM IS LIFTING UP THOSE

1007
00:33:25,000 --> 00:33:25,734
WHO HAVE BEEN FORGOTTEN AND

1008
00:33:25,801 --> 00:33:28,467
FORSAKEN.

1009
00:33:28,534 --> 00:33:29,534
[APPLAUSE]

1010
00:33:29,567 --> 00:33:30,267
THIS THAT'S NOT... IT'S NOT

1011
00:33:30,334 --> 00:33:32,200
BEING PETTY AND SCOLDING AND

1012
00:33:32,267 --> 00:33:34,167
VIRTUE SIGNALING.

1013
00:33:34,234 --> 00:33:35,100
TRUST ME, FOLKS, I HAVEN'T

1014
00:33:35,167 --> 00:33:36,334
CHANGED.

1015
00:33:36,400 --> 00:33:38,701
I REALLY HAVEN'T.

1016
00:33:38,767 --> 00:33:40,047
I AM STILL THE SAME POT-SMOKING,

1017
00:33:40,100 --> 00:33:41,340
CHILDLESS, UNMARRIED, LIBERTINE

1018
00:33:41,367 --> 00:33:43,067
I ALWAYS WAS.

1019
00:33:43,133 --> 00:33:48,367
[APPLAUSE]

1020
00:33:48,434 --> 00:33:49,534
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

1021
00:33:49,601 --> 00:33:50,801
I HAVE MANY FLAWS, BUT YOU

1022
00:33:50,868 --> 00:33:55,234
CANNOT ACCUSE ME OF MATURING.

1023
00:33:55,300 --> 00:33:56,300
[LAUGHTER]
NOT...

1024
00:33:56,334 --> 00:33:58,100
NOT THAT THERE AREN'T SNOWFLAKES

1025
00:33:58,167 --> 00:33:59,400
ON THE RIGHT.

1026
00:33:59,467 --> 00:34:01,100
ALSO, BECAUSE THERE ARE WHO'S A

1027
00:34:01,167 --> 00:34:03,734
BIGGER CRYBABY COMPLAINER THAN

1028
00:34:03,801 --> 00:34:05,100
DONALD TRUMP?

1029
00:34:05,167 --> 00:34:05,667
BUT...

1030
00:34:05,734 --> 00:34:07,901
[APPLAUSE]

1031
00:34:07,968 --> 00:34:10,234
BUT YOU KNOW, THE DRIP, DRIP,

1032
00:34:10,300 --> 00:34:14,100
DRIP ON YOUR NEWS FEED OF CRAZY

1033
00:34:14,167 --> 00:34:22,100
SHIT, PETTY, JUDGY CANCEL

1034
00:34:22,167 --> 00:34:23,910
CULTURE SHIT DOES SEEM TO HANG
MORE ON THE LEFT.

1035
00:34:23,934 --> 00:34:25,254
AND PEOPLE ARE JUST TIRED OF
THIS.

1036
00:34:25,467 --> 00:34:27,210
THEY'RE TIRED OF FEARING THAT IF
THEY MAKE ONE MISTAKE IN THEIR

1037
00:34:27,234 --> 00:34:29,009
LIFE, INCLUDING IN THEIR PAST,
IT MIGHT NEVER BE FORGIVEN.

1038
00:34:29,033 --> 00:34:30,610
AND THEY'VE COME TO REALLY HATE
POLITICAL CORRECTNESS.

1039
00:34:30,634 --> 00:34:31,643
SOMEBODY SHOULD HAVE DONE A SHOW

1040
00:34:31,667 --> 00:34:36,167
ABOUT THAT YEARS AGO.

1041
00:34:36,234 --> 00:34:37,234
[LAUGHTER]
[APPLAUSE]

1042
00:34:37,500 --> 00:34:38,167
THAT WOULD HAVE BEEN A GREAT

1043
00:34:38,234 --> 00:34:40,400
IDEA.

1044
00:34:40,467 --> 00:34:41,934
GENDER MAY NOT BE BINARY, BUT

1045
00:34:42,000 --> 00:34:44,434
POLITICS IS.

1046
00:34:44,500 --> 00:34:46,100
YOU KNOW, DEMOCRATS COULD WIN

1047
00:34:46,167 --> 00:34:47,567
EVERY ELECTION SO EASILY IF THEY

1048
00:34:47,634 --> 00:34:49,133
WOULD JUST STICK TO THE MEAT AND

1049
00:34:49,200 --> 00:34:50,934
POTATOES, JUST STICK TO MINIMUM

1050
00:34:51,000 --> 00:34:52,400
WAGE, HEALTH CARE, EDUCATION,

1051
00:34:52,467 --> 00:34:54,334
ENVIRONMENT.

1052
00:34:54,400 --> 00:34:55,300
[APPLAUSE]

1053
00:34:55,367 --> 00:34:56,667
YOU'LL REALLY...

1054
00:34:56,734 --> 00:34:58,567
STAY OUT OF THE... STAY OUT OF

1055
00:34:58,634 --> 00:35:00,067
THE BULLSHIT THAT GETS ON SOCIAL

1056
00:35:00,133 --> 00:35:01,310
MEDIA BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT PEOPLE

1057
00:35:01,334 --> 00:35:02,868
SEE.

1058
00:35:02,934 --> 00:35:04,367
BECAUSE, TRUST ME, THE AMERICAN

1059
00:35:04,434 --> 00:35:06,043
PEOPLE DON'T FOLLOW POLITICS
THAT CLOSELY.

1060
00:35:06,067 --> 00:35:06,767
THEY DON'T KNOW WHAT THE FUCK IS

1061
00:35:06,834 --> 00:35:08,000
GOING ON.

1062
00:35:08,067 --> 00:35:09,109
YOU'RE A SOPHISTICATED AUDIENCE.

1063
00:35:09,133 --> 00:35:11,000
YOU CAME TO THIS SHOW.

1064
00:35:11,067 --> 00:35:12,343
YOU COULD HAVE BEEN... YOU COULD

1065
00:35:12,367 --> 00:35:14,176
HAVE WATCHED FUCKING DOLPHINS OR
SOMETHING TONIGHT, BUT YOU CAME

1066
00:35:14,200 --> 00:35:17,133
HERE.

1067
00:35:17,200 --> 00:35:18,243
[LAUGHTER]
THAT'S NOT MOST PEOPLE.

1068
00:35:18,267 --> 00:35:19,367
MOST PEOPLE... THEY HAVE.

1069
00:35:19,434 --> 00:35:20,543
FIRST OF ALL, THEY HAVE NO IDEA

1070
00:35:20,567 --> 00:35:22,934
WHAT'S IN THE BUDGET.

1071
00:35:23,000 --> 00:35:25,100
YOU KNOW WHAT AMERICA SPENDS

1072
00:35:25,167 --> 00:35:25,834
MONEY ON?

1073
00:35:25,901 --> 00:35:27,076
I'LL TELL YOU WHAT AMERICA, OLD

1074
00:35:27,100 --> 00:35:28,210
PEOPLE AND AIRCRAFT CARRIERS,

1075
00:35:28,234 --> 00:35:29,868
THAT'S WHERE THE MONEY GOES.

1076
00:35:29,934 --> 00:35:30,567
NOW, I'M OKAY WITH THE OLD

1077
00:35:30,634 --> 00:35:33,434
PEOPLE.

1078
00:35:33,500 --> 00:35:35,234
FIRST OF ALL, THEY'RE OLD.

1079
00:35:35,300 --> 00:35:36,868
THEY PAID INTO IT.

1080
00:35:36,934 --> 00:35:37,701
AND THAT'S WHAT A CIVILIZED

1081
00:35:37,767 --> 00:35:39,300
NATION DOES.

1082
00:35:39,367 --> 00:35:40,376
THEY TAKE CARE OF THE ELDERLY

1083
00:35:40,400 --> 00:35:40,901
PEOPLE IN THEIR POPULATION.

1084
00:35:40,968 --> 00:35:45,601
[APPLAUSE]

1085
00:35:45,667 --> 00:35:49,267
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

1086
00:35:49,334 --> 00:35:50,133
AND ALSO, WE DON'T WANT THEM

1087
00:35:50,200 --> 00:35:54,300
LIVING WITH US.

1088
00:35:54,367 --> 00:35:54,567
[LAUGHTER]
THAT'S JUST... IT'S NOT PAT

1089
00:35:55,200 --> 00:35:55,767
OURSELVES ON THE BACK TOO MUCH

1090
00:35:55,834 --> 00:35:58,367
ON THAT ONE.

1091
00:35:58,434 --> 00:35:59,476
BUT... BUT HONESTLY, IF THEY

1092
00:35:59,500 --> 00:36:00,934
WOULD JUST STICK WITH THE

1093
00:36:01,000 --> 00:36:02,400
MEAT AND POTATOES STUFF AND OF

1094
00:36:02,467 --> 00:36:04,067
COURSE, THE OTHER ONE THAT COULD

1095
00:36:04,133 --> 00:36:06,200
GET DEMOCRATS EVERY ELECTION

1096
00:36:06,267 --> 00:36:11,934
JUST LEGALIZE POT NATIONALLY.

1097
00:36:12,000 --> 00:36:12,400
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

1098
00:36:12,467 --> 00:36:16,701
SUCH LOW LYING POLITICAL FRUITS.

1099
00:36:16,767 --> 00:36:18,534
BECAUSE POT, IT'S ONE OF THOSE

1100
00:36:18,601 --> 00:36:19,810
ISSUES LIKE GUNS, IT IS FOR THE

1101
00:36:19,834 --> 00:36:21,167
RIGHT.

1102
00:36:21,234 --> 00:36:22,276
YOU KNOW, IT JUST GETS A LOT OF

1103
00:36:22,300 --> 00:36:23,200
PEOPLE OUT ON THAT ONE ISSUE

1104
00:36:23,267 --> 00:36:25,067
BECAUSE IT'S PERSONAL.

1105
00:36:25,133 --> 00:36:26,276
IT'S NOT LIKE OTHER ISSUES WHERE

1106
00:36:26,300 --> 00:36:27,620
IT'S ABSTRACT POT, JUST LIKE
GUNS.

1107
00:36:27,868 --> 00:36:28,801
IT'S IN YOUR HOME.

1108
00:36:28,868 --> 00:36:30,567
YOU LIKE IT, YOU TOUCH IT, YOU

1109
00:36:30,634 --> 00:36:36,234
RUB IT AGAINST YOUR PENIS.

1110
00:36:36,300 --> 00:36:36,500
[LAUGHTER]
NO, NO, NO, NO.

1111
00:36:37,167 --> 00:36:39,234
I DIDN'T MEAN TO SAY IT.

1112
00:36:39,300 --> 00:36:43,834
I ALWAYS GO TOO FAR.

1113
00:36:43,901 --> 00:36:47,500
BUT REALLY, I MEAN, IF ONE SIDE

1114
00:36:47,567 --> 00:36:50,801
IN THIS COUNTRY HAS ALL THE GUNS

1115
00:36:50,868 --> 00:36:55,100
AND ONE SIDE HAS ALL THE POT,

1116
00:36:55,167 --> 00:36:56,534
YOU KNOW, LIBERALS, WHEN THE

1117
00:36:56,601 --> 00:36:58,000
CIVIL WAR COMES, YOU'RE GOING TO

1118
00:36:58,067 --> 00:37:00,000
GET YOUR ASS KICKED LIKE THE

1119
00:37:00,067 --> 00:37:05,200
WHITE KID AT A SPELLING BEE.

1120
00:37:05,267 --> 00:37:05,467
[LAUGHTER]

1121
00:37:05,534 --> 00:37:07,167
BUT THIS IS... THIS IS A BIG

1122
00:37:07,234 --> 00:37:09,634
COUNTRY, A VERY BIG COUNTRY WITH

1123
00:37:09,701 --> 00:37:10,877
LOTS OF PEOPLE WHO DON'T THINK

1124
00:37:10,901 --> 00:37:12,200
LIKE YOU, NO MATTER HOW YOU

1125
00:37:12,267 --> 00:37:14,100
THINK, AND YOU CAN'T OWN THEM

1126
00:37:14,167 --> 00:37:15,467
OR DESTROY THEM AND THEY'RE NOT

1127
00:37:15,534 --> 00:37:16,677
GOING TO SELF DEPORT NO MATTER

1128
00:37:16,701 --> 00:37:18,567
WHO WINS ELECTIONS.

1129
00:37:18,634 --> 00:37:20,033
WE HAVE TO FIND OUR WAY BACK

1130
00:37:20,100 --> 00:37:23,801
FROM NOT LOATHING EACH OTHER.

1131
00:37:23,868 --> 00:37:25,801
I MEAN, WE HAVE THE PHENOMENON

1132
00:37:25,868 --> 00:37:28,000
NOW OF POLITICAL DIVORCES.

1133
00:37:28,067 --> 00:37:29,868
PEOPLE GETTING DIVORCES OVER

1134
00:37:29,934 --> 00:37:32,467
THEIR POLITICS ARE DIFFERENT.

1135
00:37:32,534 --> 00:37:34,167
SOMETIMES BROTHERS AND SISTERS

1136
00:37:34,234 --> 00:37:36,200
STOP TALKING TO EACH OTHER,

1137
00:37:36,267 --> 00:37:37,510
WHICH MAKES IT VERY DIFFICULT TO

1138
00:37:37,534 --> 00:37:39,300
GET LAID IN THE PANHANDLE.

1139
00:37:39,367 --> 00:37:42,300
[LAUGHTER]

1140
00:37:42,367 --> 00:37:50,367
OH, I ALMOST GOT THROUGH THAT.

1141
00:37:50,734 --> 00:37:52,901
I KID.

1142
00:37:52,968 --> 00:37:55,634
I KID THE REDNECKS.

1143
00:37:55,701 --> 00:37:59,934
I... NO, SEE BAD ME.

1144
00:38:00,000 --> 00:38:01,334
MEA CULPA, I KNOW I REALLY I

1145
00:38:01,400 --> 00:38:02,033
HAVE BEEN LESS THAN RESPECTFUL

1146
00:38:02,100 --> 00:38:03,868
IN MY CAREER.

1147
00:38:03,934 --> 00:38:05,743
I HAVE USED WORDS LIKE "REDNECK"
AND "SHIT KICKER" AND "SNAKE

1148
00:38:05,767 --> 00:38:09,133
HANDLER" AND "MOUTH BREATHER,"

1149
00:38:09,200 --> 00:38:10,634
"FLAT EARTHER," "BIBLE THUMPER,"

1150
00:38:10,701 --> 00:38:13,868
"CIVIL WAR RE-ENACTOR,"

1151
00:38:13,934 --> 00:38:14,934
"RUBCRETE," AND "INBRED,"

1152
00:38:15,000 --> 00:38:17,434
"SLINGBLADE," "PAINT CHIP

1153
00:38:17,500 --> 00:38:18,543
EATER, " " TOOTHLESS SISTER

1154
00:38:18,567 --> 00:38:21,334
FUCKER, " AND " CHILDREN OF THE

1155
00:38:21,400 --> 00:38:23,000
CORN."

1156
00:38:23,067 --> 00:38:27,200
I HAVE, AND I FEEL TERRIBLE.

1157
00:38:27,267 --> 00:38:29,167
BUT YOU KNOW, IN MY DEFENSE,

1158
00:38:29,234 --> 00:38:30,834
IT'S SOMETIMES THEY MAKE IT VERY

1159
00:38:30,901 --> 00:38:31,267
HARD NOT TO DO THAT.

1160
00:38:31,334 --> 00:38:33,234
[LAUGHTER]

1161
00:38:33,300 --> 00:38:35,033
I WAS READING AN ARTICLE

1162
00:38:35,100 --> 00:38:36,834
RECENTLY ABOUT THE STATE OF

1163
00:38:36,901 --> 00:38:38,634
KENTUCKY IN 2019 OUTLAWED

1164
00:38:38,701 --> 00:38:40,601
BESTIALITY.

1165
00:38:40,667 --> 00:38:42,367
[LAUGHTER]

1166
00:38:42,434 --> 00:38:43,667
SWEAR TO GOD.

1167
00:38:43,734 --> 00:38:45,467
YES.

1168
00:38:45,534 --> 00:38:46,133
IN 2019, I SAY THEY DID THIS.

1169
00:38:46,200 --> 00:38:49,067
[LAUGHTER]

1170
00:38:49,133 --> 00:38:50,567
AND THAT WASN'T EVEN THE

1171
00:38:50,634 --> 00:38:52,234
SCARIEST PART OF THAT ARTICLE.

1172
00:38:52,300 --> 00:38:55,400
THAT WAS THE BEGINNING OF

1173
00:38:55,467 --> 00:38:56,476
PARAGRAPH THREE, WHICH SAID

1174
00:38:56,500 --> 00:38:57,267
OPPONENTS OF THE BILL.

1175
00:38:57,334 --> 00:39:01,234
[LAUGHTER]

1176
00:39:01,300 --> 00:39:03,300
OPPONENTS OF THE BILL.

1177
00:39:03,367 --> 00:39:07,267
PEOPLE WHO DIDN'T ROCK AND

1178
00:39:07,334 --> 00:39:08,443
MEDDLE IN FEDERAL GOVERNMENT

1179
00:39:08,467 --> 00:39:10,000
GETTING IN BETWEEN ME AND THE

1180
00:39:10,067 --> 00:39:12,267
CHICKEN I MIGHT FUCK.

1181
00:39:12,334 --> 00:39:15,300
I SAID, MIGHT, I DIDN'T.

1182
00:39:15,367 --> 00:39:16,567
AND THAT'S THE THING.

1183
00:39:16,634 --> 00:39:18,000
I DON'T REALLY THINK THAT THE

1184
00:39:18,067 --> 00:39:19,210
PEOPLE OF KENTUCKY ARE CHICKEN

1185
00:39:19,234 --> 00:39:21,767
FUCKERS, BUT THEY WANT THE

1186
00:39:21,834 --> 00:39:26,167
OPTION.

1187
00:39:26,234 --> 00:39:26,434
[LAUGHTER]
YOU KNOW, THAT'S THE THING.

1188
00:39:27,167 --> 00:39:28,527
THEY WANT THE OPTION OF MY
FREEDOM.

1189
00:39:28,567 --> 00:39:29,067
AMERICA, THEY LOVE THEIR

1190
00:39:29,133 --> 00:39:32,467
FREEDOM.

1191
00:39:32,534 --> 00:39:33,577
THAT'S WHAT FLORIDA HAS GOT

1192
00:39:33,601 --> 00:39:35,234
GOING FOR IT, RIGHT?

1193
00:39:35,300 --> 00:39:36,968
YOU FEEL IT'S A FREER FEELING

1194
00:39:37,033 --> 00:39:39,100
HERE, YOU KNOW, AND IT IS.

1195
00:39:39,167 --> 00:39:43,767
[LAUGHTER]

1196
00:39:43,834 --> 00:39:45,577
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
IT'S A LOT OF FUCKED UP SHIT

1197
00:39:45,601 --> 00:39:46,944
HERE TOO, BUT, YOU KNOW, IT'S
GREAT.

1198
00:39:46,968 --> 00:39:48,510
AND I KNOW A LOT OF YOU THINK
DESANTIS IS GOING TO BE THE

1199
00:39:48,534 --> 00:39:52,901
REPUBLICAN NOMINEE FOR PRES.

1200
00:39:52,968 --> 00:39:54,133
[BOOS]

1201
00:39:54,200 --> 00:39:55,634
BECAUSE TRUMP TREATS HIM LIKE A

1202
00:39:55,701 --> 00:39:57,667
SON.

1203
00:39:57,734 --> 00:39:59,400
BUT TRUST ME, IF HE RUNS AGAINST

1204
00:39:59,467 --> 00:40:01,334
TRUMP, TRUMP WILL TREAT HIM LIKE

1205
00:40:01,400 --> 00:40:02,100
A DAUGHTER AND TRY TO FUCK HIM,

1206
00:40:02,167 --> 00:40:07,400
REALLY.

1207
00:40:07,467 --> 00:40:08,000
[LAUGHTER]

1208
00:40:08,067 --> 00:40:09,334
[APPLAUSE]

1209
00:40:09,400 --> 00:40:10,667
OH, GENTLE, GOOD HUMOR.

1210
00:40:10,734 --> 00:40:13,033
THAT'S ALL WE DO HERE.

1211
00:40:13,100 --> 00:40:13,968
LOOK, I HAVE NEVER BEEN ONE OF

1212
00:40:14,033 --> 00:40:15,033
THOSE.

1213
00:40:15,100 --> 00:40:16,334
I MUST TELL YOU ONE OF

1214
00:40:16,400 --> 00:40:17,880
THOSE.
THIS IS THE GREATEST COUNTRY IN

1215
00:40:18,133 --> 00:40:19,133
THE WORLD, PEOPLE.
IS IT?

1216
00:40:19,234 --> 00:40:20,601
I DON'T KNOW.

1217
00:40:20,667 --> 00:40:22,234
I HAVEN'T LIVED EVERYWHERE ELSE.

1218
00:40:22,300 --> 00:40:22,567
MAYBE IT IS.

1219
00:40:22,634 --> 00:40:23,801
MAYBE IT ISN'T.

1220
00:40:23,868 --> 00:40:25,868
IT'S THE GREATEST ONE FOR ME.

1221
00:40:25,934 --> 00:40:27,009
SHOULDN'T THAT BE ENOUGH?
IT'S SO CHILDISH.

1222
00:40:27,033 --> 00:40:29,601
I LIVE IN THE GREATEST COUNTRY.

1223
00:40:29,667 --> 00:40:30,968
I WAS THINKING THAT, LIKE NOW,

1224
00:40:31,033 --> 00:40:32,534
LIKE WHEN I'M ON THE ROAD

1225
00:40:32,601 --> 00:40:33,834
BECAUSE I'M IN A HOTEL AND I

1226
00:40:33,901 --> 00:40:35,076
WANT FRESH AIR AND I CAN NEVER

1227
00:40:35,100 --> 00:40:38,067
GET IT BECAUSE THE WINDOWS DON'T

1228
00:40:38,133 --> 00:40:39,334
OPEN, BECAUSE WE LIVE IN THE

1229
00:40:39,400 --> 00:40:40,801
GREATEST COUNTRY IN THE WORLD.

1230
00:40:40,868 --> 00:40:42,167
BUT IF WE DON'T SEAL THE WINDOW

1231
00:40:42,234 --> 00:40:46,801
SHUT, THE PEOPLE WILL JUMP OUT.

1232
00:40:46,868 --> 00:40:47,067
[LAUGHTER]

1233
00:40:47,133 --> 00:40:48,868
SO, THAT'S WHERE WE ARE, GREAT

1234
00:40:48,934 --> 00:40:50,400
LANDIA, YEAH.

1235
00:40:50,467 --> 00:40:54,567
[APPLAUSE]

1236
00:40:54,634 --> 00:40:56,343
YEAH, I MEAN...
JOE HAS NOT EXACTLY STUCK THE

1237
00:40:56,367 --> 00:40:58,067
LANDING ON EVERYTHING.

1238
00:40:58,133 --> 00:40:59,133
BUT YOU KNOW WHAT?

1239
00:40:59,200 --> 00:41:00,801
IF IT WASN'T FOR HIM, TRUMP

1240
00:41:00,868 --> 00:41:02,734
WOULD BE PRESIDENT.

1241
00:41:02,801 --> 00:41:03,910
SO I DON'T CARE IF HE FARTS IN

1242
00:41:03,934 --> 00:41:04,534
FRONT OF THE QUEEN.

1243
00:41:04,601 --> 00:41:07,500
[APPLAUSE]

1244
00:41:07,567 --> 00:41:08,734
OR DOZES OFF AT A CLIMATE

1245
00:41:08,801 --> 00:41:11,234
CONFERENCE.

1246
00:41:11,300 --> 00:41:12,743
YES, THERE'S GOING TO BE SOME
SENIOR MOMENTS.

1247
00:41:12,767 --> 00:41:14,167
JUST GET OVER IT.

1248
00:41:14,234 --> 00:41:15,500
YOU KNOW, HE'S... HE'S GOING TO

1249
00:41:15,567 --> 00:41:17,067
SHOW UP SOMEWHERE WITHOUT PANTS

1250
00:41:17,133 --> 00:41:18,968
ON AT SOME POINT OR DRIVE THE

1251
00:41:19,033 --> 00:41:20,534
MOTORCADE THROUGH A FARMER'S

1252
00:41:20,601 --> 00:41:21,000
MARKET.

1253
00:41:21,067 --> 00:41:22,534
I DON'T KNOW.

1254
00:41:22,601 --> 00:41:28,234
[LAUGHTER]

1255
00:41:28,300 --> 00:41:29,500
YOU KNOW, YOU ONLY GET TWO

1256
00:41:29,567 --> 00:41:31,601
CHOICES IN THIS COUNTRY.

1257
00:41:31,667 --> 00:41:34,100
AND, YOU KNOW, WE WOULDN'T EVEN

1258
00:41:34,167 --> 00:41:35,567
HAVE HIM IF THE AFRICAN

1259
00:41:35,634 --> 00:41:37,434
AMERICAN COMMUNITY IN SOUTH

1260
00:41:37,500 --> 00:41:39,567
CAROLINA HADN'T SAVED THE ASS OF

1261
00:41:39,634 --> 00:41:40,810
THE DEMOCRATS AND MADE SURE THAT

1262
00:41:40,834 --> 00:41:43,067
HE GOT THE NOMINATION.

1263
00:41:43,133 --> 00:41:46,167
[APPLAUSE]

1264
00:41:46,234 --> 00:41:47,667
YOU KNOW.

1265
00:41:47,734 --> 00:41:49,300
BIDEN'S CAMPAIGN, THE WHOLE

1266
00:41:49,367 --> 00:41:50,567
THING ALMOST DIDN'T HAPPEN

1267
00:41:50,634 --> 00:41:51,567
BECAUSE THE SECOND HE ANNOUNCED,

1268
00:41:51,634 --> 00:41:53,901
DO YOU REMEMBER THIS, A WOMAN

1269
00:41:53,968 --> 00:41:55,234
CAME FORWARD, HAD TO TELL US A

1270
00:41:55,300 --> 00:41:56,167
STORY ABOUT THE TIME HE KISSED

1271
00:41:56,234 --> 00:41:58,234
THE BACK OF HER HEAD.

1272
00:41:58,300 --> 00:41:59,567
KISSED THE BACK OF HER HEAD?

1273
00:41:59,634 --> 00:42:00,767
YES.

1274
00:42:00,834 --> 00:42:04,801
THAT WELL-KNOWN EROGENOUS ZONE.

1275
00:42:04,868 --> 00:42:05,067
[LAUGHTER]

1276
00:42:05,133 --> 00:42:06,176
I TELL YOU, WHENEVER I'M FEELING

1277
00:42:06,200 --> 00:42:06,834
REALLY FREAKY, I GO RIGHT FOR

1278
00:42:06,901 --> 00:42:10,067
THE BACK OF THE HEAD.

1279
00:42:10,133 --> 00:42:10,901
SOME GUYS LIKE THEIR BALLS

1280
00:42:10,968 --> 00:42:12,133
TICKLED.

1281
00:42:12,200 --> 00:42:13,834
SOME GUYS LIKE THE ASS.

1282
00:42:13,901 --> 00:42:14,910
NO, I'M THE BACK OF THE HEAD.

1283
00:42:14,934 --> 00:42:15,634
JUST GIVE ME THE BACK OF THE

1284
00:42:15,701 --> 00:42:16,934
HEAD.

1285
00:42:17,000 --> 00:42:19,100
[LAUGHTER]

1286
00:42:19,167 --> 00:42:20,543
I MEAN, REALLY, DO YOU REMEMBER
THIS?

1287
00:42:20,567 --> 00:42:21,067
WE HAD TO LIVE THROUGH THIS

1288
00:42:21,133 --> 00:42:22,834
WHOLE SCANDAL.

1289
00:42:22,901 --> 00:42:23,601
YOU KNOW WHAT HAPPENED?

1290
00:42:23,667 --> 00:42:24,667
IT WAS A FUNDRAISER.

1291
00:42:24,734 --> 00:42:26,267
HE WAS THE VICE PRESIDENT.

1292
00:42:26,334 --> 00:42:28,267
HE SHOWED UP TO HELP SOMEBODY.

1293
00:42:28,334 --> 00:42:30,901
THE WOMAN WHO WAS INTRODUCING

1294
00:42:30,968 --> 00:42:31,667
HIM, HE WAS JUST TRYING TO SHOW

1295
00:42:31,734 --> 00:42:33,767
SOME SUPPORT.

1296
00:42:33,834 --> 00:42:38,300
SMELL THE BENGAY.

1297
00:42:38,367 --> 00:42:38,567
[LAUGHTER]
IT'S JUST... SHE WAS ABOUT TO...

1298
00:42:39,300 --> 00:42:39,834
SHE WAS WAITING IN THE WINGS,

1299
00:42:39,901 --> 00:42:42,167
AND HE CAME UP BEHIND HER.

1300
00:42:42,234 --> 00:42:44,667
"YOU'RE GOING TO DO GREAT,

1301
00:42:44,734 --> 00:42:45,734
HONEY."
[LAUGHTER]

1302
00:42:45,801 --> 00:42:47,901
THAT'S IT.

1303
00:42:47,968 --> 00:42:49,367
I MEAN... HERE, LET ME RECITE TO

1304
00:42:49,434 --> 00:42:51,067
YOU, THESE ARE HER EXACT WORDS

1305
00:42:51,133 --> 00:42:52,143
BECAUSE SHE WROTE A BLOG ABOUT

1306
00:42:52,167 --> 00:42:54,434
IT FIVE YEARS LATER.

1307
00:42:54,500 --> 00:42:55,734
SHE SAID, "I FELT TWO HANDS ON

1308
00:42:55,801 --> 00:42:59,500
MY SHOULDERS AND FROZE."

1309
00:42:59,567 --> 00:43:00,234
OKAY, YOU'RE AUTISTIC THEN,

1310
00:43:00,300 --> 00:43:01,400
THAT'S ALL LIKE...

1311
00:43:01,467 --> 00:43:02,901
[LAUGHTER]

1312
00:43:02,968 --> 00:43:06,634
THAT'S AN AUTISTIC PERSON.

1313
00:43:06,701 --> 00:43:07,334
WHY IS THE VICE PRESIDENT

1314
00:43:07,400 --> 00:43:09,434
TOUCHING ME?

1315
00:43:09,500 --> 00:43:10,634
I DON'T KNOW.

1316
00:43:10,701 --> 00:43:11,834
BECAUSE HE'S HUMAN.

1317
00:43:11,901 --> 00:43:13,834
SOMETIMES HUMANS DO THAT.

1318
00:43:13,901 --> 00:43:15,109
I DON'T THINK WE NEED TO RUN AND

1319
00:43:15,133 --> 00:43:15,934
GET THE RAPE KIT JUST YET, YOU

1320
00:43:16,000 --> 00:43:17,234
KNOW?

1321
00:43:17,300 --> 00:43:23,934
[APPLAUSE]

1322
00:43:24,000 --> 00:43:26,033
HE KISSED THE BACK OF MY HEAD.

1323
00:43:26,100 --> 00:43:27,334
MY BRAIN COULDN'T PROCESS WHAT

1324
00:43:27,400 --> 00:43:28,734
WAS HAPPENING.

1325
00:43:28,801 --> 00:43:30,133
[LAUGHTER]

1326
00:43:30,200 --> 00:43:32,367
REALLY?

1327
00:43:32,434 --> 00:43:33,000
YOU COULDN'T.

1328
00:43:33,067 --> 00:43:34,076
YOUR BRAIN COULDN'T PROCESS

1329
00:43:34,100 --> 00:43:34,934
THAT, LIKE STRING THEORY OR

1330
00:43:35,000 --> 00:43:38,000
WORMHOLES.

1331
00:43:38,067 --> 00:43:38,767
I WAS EMBARRASSED, SHOCKED,

1332
00:43:38,834 --> 00:43:40,767
CONFUSED.

1333
00:43:40,834 --> 00:43:42,367
OKAY, THEN THE OUTSIDE WORLD IS

1334
00:43:42,434 --> 00:43:47,133
NOT FOR YOU.

1335
00:43:47,200 --> 00:43:48,443
[LAUGHTER]
THAT'S... I'M NOT... I'M NOT
TRYING TO BE MEAN.

1336
00:43:48,467 --> 00:43:49,067
DON'T GET IT TWISTED.

1337
00:43:49,133 --> 00:43:50,176
THIS IS NOT A CRITIQUE OF WOMEN.

1338
00:43:50,200 --> 00:43:51,743
THIS IS A DEFENSE.
BECAUSE I DON'T THINK MOST WOMEN

1339
00:43:51,767 --> 00:43:53,033
ARE LIKE THIS.

1340
00:43:53,100 --> 00:43:54,777
I DON'T THINK THIS IS THE
REPUTATION THEY WANT OR DESERVE.

1341
00:43:54,801 --> 00:43:58,133
YOU KNOW.

1342
00:43:58,200 --> 00:44:00,100
[APPLAUSE]

1343
00:44:00,167 --> 00:44:02,667
I THINK THEY'RE MADE OF STERNER

1344
00:44:02,734 --> 00:44:02,868
STUFF.
BERNIE SANDERS HAD THE EXACT

1345
00:44:03,634 --> 00:44:04,968
SAME THING HAPPEN TO HIM.

1346
00:44:05,033 --> 00:44:06,334
AS SOON AS HE ANNOUNCED, HIS

1347
00:44:06,400 --> 00:44:08,167
CAMPAIGN WAS ALMOST DERAILED

1348
00:44:08,234 --> 00:44:10,500
BECAUSE A WOMAN CAME FORWARD TO

1349
00:44:10,567 --> 00:44:12,267
TALK ABOUT THE TIME ON THE

1350
00:44:12,334 --> 00:44:14,968
CAMPAIGN WHEN SHE WAS ASKED TO

1351
00:44:15,033 --> 00:44:17,200
SPEND A NIGHT ONCE WITH THREE

1352
00:44:17,267 --> 00:44:19,901
MALE MEMBERS OF THE CAMPAIGN.

1353
00:44:19,968 --> 00:44:21,534
OKAY, IT'S A CAMPAIGN.

1354
00:44:21,601 --> 00:44:22,701
IT'S A REVOLUTION.

1355
00:44:22,767 --> 00:44:24,133
IT'S A SHOESTRING BUDGET.

1356
00:44:24,200 --> 00:44:25,360
NOT EVERYBODY GETS A SUITE AT

1357
00:44:25,400 --> 00:44:28,434
THE RITZ.

1358
00:44:28,500 --> 00:44:29,100
THIS IS WHAT SHE SAID, LITERALLY

1359
00:44:29,167 --> 00:44:30,601
WORD FOR WORD.

1360
00:44:30,667 --> 00:44:33,601
SHE SAID, I WAS SHAKING WITH

1361
00:44:33,667 --> 00:44:34,801
FEAR, LITERALLY.

1362
00:44:34,868 --> 00:44:36,009
I REMEMBER THINKING TO MYSELF,

1363
00:44:36,033 --> 00:44:39,000
WHAT AM I GOING TO DO?

1364
00:44:39,067 --> 00:44:40,634
GO TO SLEEP.

1365
00:44:40,701 --> 00:44:42,901
[LAUGHTER]

1366
00:44:42,968 --> 00:44:45,601
LITERALLY GO TO SLEEP.

1367
00:44:45,667 --> 00:44:49,601
I MEAN, THERE ARE THREE NERDS ON

1368
00:44:49,667 --> 00:44:50,300
THE BERNIE SANDERS CAMPAIGN.

1369
00:44:50,367 --> 00:44:53,267
THEY'RE NOT ESCAPED CONVICTS.

1370
00:44:53,334 --> 00:44:54,543
IF YOU CAME OUT OF THE BATHROOM

1371
00:44:54,567 --> 00:44:56,043
WITH JUST A BRA AND PANTIES ON,
THEY'D PROBABLY SHIT THEIR

1372
00:44:56,067 --> 00:44:57,200
PANTS.

1373
00:44:57,267 --> 00:45:01,534
[LAUGHTER]

1374
00:45:01,601 --> 00:45:02,300
I MEAN, WHO RAISED THESE

1375
00:45:02,367 --> 00:45:04,167
JELLYFISH?

1376
00:45:04,234 --> 00:45:05,343
THIS CANNOT BE THE IMAGE WOMEN

1377
00:45:05,367 --> 00:45:07,934
WANT OR DESERVE.

1378
00:45:08,000 --> 00:45:08,500
YOU KNOW, I MEAN, YES, IT'S

1379
00:45:08,567 --> 00:45:09,567
GREAT.

1380
00:45:09,601 --> 00:45:11,367
WE HAD A RECKONING, BUT SOME

1381
00:45:11,434 --> 00:45:13,167
STUFF WOMEN, I'M SURE, AND I

1382
00:45:13,234 --> 00:45:14,067
KNOW MOST WOMEN CAN'T JUST

1383
00:45:14,133 --> 00:45:15,434
HANDLE YOURSELF.

1384
00:45:15,500 --> 00:45:17,267
IF AN OLD MAN COMES UP BEHIND

1385
00:45:17,334 --> 00:45:18,133
YOU, INSTEAD OF WAITING FIVE

1386
00:45:18,200 --> 00:45:21,334
YEARS AND WRITING A BLOG,

1387
00:45:21,400 --> 00:45:23,033
HOW ABOUT JUST TURNING AROUND?

1388
00:45:23,100 --> 00:45:24,567
"EXCUSE ME, MR. VICE PRESIDENT,

1389
00:45:24,634 --> 00:45:25,467
I'M SORRY, I HAVE TO MAKE A

1390
00:45:25,534 --> 00:45:27,100
SPEECH.

1391
00:45:27,167 --> 00:45:27,968
I'M GETTING MY HEAD TOGETHER.

1392
00:45:28,033 --> 00:45:29,210
YOU CAN KISS THE BACK OF MY HEAD

1393
00:45:29,234 --> 00:45:30,234
LATER, YOU KNOW?"

1394
00:45:30,267 --> 00:45:34,634
[LAUGHTER]

1395
00:45:34,701 --> 00:45:35,100
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

1396
00:45:35,167 --> 00:45:38,133
RIGHT.

1397
00:45:38,200 --> 00:45:39,276
I MEAN, WHAT WAS HE GOING TO
INSIST?

1398
00:45:39,300 --> 00:45:42,667
NO, BITCH.

1399
00:45:42,734 --> 00:45:43,910
THEY'RE GETTING BACK AT THE BACK

1400
00:45:43,934 --> 00:45:45,367
BACK OF THE HEAD KISS,

1401
00:45:45,434 --> 00:45:47,033
WHETHER YOU LIKE IT OR NOT.

1402
00:45:47,100 --> 00:45:48,700
THEY'RE GOING TO TAKE IT.
TAKE ALL OF IT.

1403
00:45:48,734 --> 00:45:49,400
I KNOW YOU LOVE IT.

1404
00:45:49,467 --> 00:45:51,534
[LAUGHTER]

1405
00:45:51,601 --> 00:45:56,200
IT'S RIDICULOUS.

1406
00:45:56,267 --> 00:45:58,801
AND ALSO THE SALIENT POINT ABOUT

1407
00:45:58,868 --> 00:46:01,567
THIS SCANDAL IS THAT JOE BIDEN

1408
00:46:01,634 --> 00:46:03,267
WAS NOT TRYING TO GET LAID,

1409
00:46:03,334 --> 00:46:05,834
DOING THIS, RIGHT?

1410
00:46:05,901 --> 00:46:08,667
ANDREW CUOMO WAS TRYING TO GET

1411
00:46:08,734 --> 00:46:11,100
LAID, BADLY, BY THE WAY.

1412
00:46:11,167 --> 00:46:14,367
I MEAN, ONE OF HIS BIG PLOYS WAS

1413
00:46:14,434 --> 00:46:15,734
HE WOULD HAVE HIS PRETTY

1414
00:46:15,801 --> 00:46:16,968
ASSISTANTS COME UP TO THE

1415
00:46:17,033 --> 00:46:18,400
GOVERNOR'S MANSION AT NIGHT TO

1416
00:46:18,467 --> 00:46:19,767
SHOW HIM HOW TO DO SOMETHING ON

1417
00:46:19,834 --> 00:46:21,300
HIS PHONE.

1418
00:46:21,367 --> 00:46:22,567
YEAH, YEAH.

1419
00:46:22,634 --> 00:46:23,968
BECAUSE THERE'S NOTHING HOTTER

1420
00:46:24,033 --> 00:46:25,567
THAN AN OLD GUY WHO CAN'T WORK

1421
00:46:25,634 --> 00:46:26,567
HIS PHONE.

1422
00:46:26,634 --> 00:46:29,467
[LAUGHTER]

1423
00:46:29,534 --> 00:46:30,367
THAT IS KRYPTONITE FOR THE

1424
00:46:30,434 --> 00:46:35,334
PUSSY.

1425
00:46:35,400 --> 00:46:35,601
[LAUGHTER]
LET ME TELL YOU, JUST THE

1426
00:46:36,234 --> 00:46:37,844
PANTIES ARE WET BEFORE THEY GET
OUT OF THE CAR JUST THINKING

1427
00:46:37,868 --> 00:46:38,467
ABOUT THAT.

1428
00:46:38,534 --> 00:46:42,434
[LAUGHTER]

1429
00:46:42,500 --> 00:46:43,700
MAN, WE HAVE GOT TO TEACH GAME

1430
00:46:43,734 --> 00:46:48,200
IN AMERICA.

1431
00:46:48,267 --> 00:46:48,467
[LAUGHTER]

1432
00:46:48,534 --> 00:46:51,200
I MEAN, SERIOUSLY.

1433
00:46:51,267 --> 00:46:53,801
I MEAN, ASIDE FROM THE HORRORS

1434
00:46:53,868 --> 00:46:55,601
THAT WOMEN ARE PUT THROUGH, I'M

1435
00:46:55,667 --> 00:46:56,601
ALWAYS THINKING, WHAT MAN THINKS

1436
00:46:56,667 --> 00:47:03,767
THIS SHIT IS GOING TO WORK?

1437
00:47:03,834 --> 00:47:05,376
ONE OF THE FIRST #MeToo
CASUALTIES, WELL DESERVED, I

1438
00:47:05,400 --> 00:47:07,033
MIGHT ADD, WAS THIS JOURNALIST,

1439
00:47:07,100 --> 00:47:08,801
MARK HALPERIN, REMEMBER HIM AND

1440
00:47:08,868 --> 00:47:09,988
YOU KNOW HIS M.O. AS ALWAYS,

1441
00:47:10,033 --> 00:47:11,313
WITH THESE CASES, YOU KNOW, LIKE

1442
00:47:11,367 --> 00:47:12,300
MANY WOMEN COME FORWARD, IT'S

1443
00:47:12,367 --> 00:47:13,487
ALWAYS THE SAME STORY IN THE

1444
00:47:13,534 --> 00:47:15,467
SAME THING.

1445
00:47:15,534 --> 00:47:17,567
A GUY HAS A THING, AND HIS WAS

1446
00:47:17,634 --> 00:47:19,767
TO LIKE, AT THE OFFICE, CORNER

1447
00:47:19,834 --> 00:47:20,767
YOU SOMEWHERE AND JUST RUB HIS

1448
00:47:20,834 --> 00:47:25,701
BONER AGAINST YOU.

1449
00:47:25,767 --> 00:47:25,968
[LAUGHTER]
WHEN HAS THIS EVER WORKED IS MY

1450
00:47:26,667 --> 00:47:29,634
QUESTION?

1451
00:47:29,701 --> 00:47:29,901
[LAUGHTER]

1452
00:47:29,968 --> 00:47:31,567
HAS THERE EVER BEEN A WOMAN WHO

1453
00:47:31,634 --> 00:47:33,200
WAS LIKE, YOU KNOW, I WASN'T

1454
00:47:33,267 --> 00:47:35,200
EVER REALLY THAT INTO BOB.

1455
00:47:35,267 --> 00:47:38,000
[LAUGHTER]

1456
00:47:38,067 --> 00:47:40,100
BUT THEN HE DID THAT THING THAT

1457
00:47:40,167 --> 00:47:42,667
DOGS DO TO THROW PILLOWS, AND I

1458
00:47:42,734 --> 00:47:44,167
JUST MELTED.

1459
00:47:44,234 --> 00:47:49,767
[APPLAUSE]

1460
00:47:49,834 --> 00:47:51,901
NO, WE HAVE GOT TO TEACH GAME IN

1461
00:47:51,968 --> 00:47:54,033
THIS COUNTRY BECAUSE ANY TIME...

1462
00:47:54,100 --> 00:47:57,934
ANY TIME MEN CAN'T GET WOMEN,

1463
00:47:58,000 --> 00:48:01,434
PRIESTS, TALIBAN, INCELS IN THIS

1464
00:48:01,500 --> 00:48:02,267
COUNTRY, YOU KNOW WHAT INCELS

1465
00:48:02,334 --> 00:48:04,000
ARE?

1466
00:48:04,067 --> 00:48:05,701
YEAH, IT'S A WHOLE MOVEMENT.

1467
00:48:05,767 --> 00:48:06,567
IT STANDS FOR INVOLUNTARILY

1468
00:48:06,634 --> 00:48:10,701
CELIBATE.

1469
00:48:10,767 --> 00:48:12,276
YEAH, I USED TO BE AN INCEL.
WE JUST DIDN'T HAVE A NAME FOR

1470
00:48:12,300 --> 00:48:15,300
IT.

1471
00:48:15,367 --> 00:48:15,567
[LAUGHTER]
I DIDN'T WANT TO FUCKING TALK

1472
00:48:16,234 --> 00:48:16,667
ABOUT IT WITH THAT.

1473
00:48:16,734 --> 00:48:18,009
THE LAST THING I WANTED TO DO IS

1474
00:48:18,033 --> 00:48:19,267
JOIN A GROUP OF OTHER FUCKING

1475
00:48:19,334 --> 00:48:22,100
LOSERS WHO COULDN'T GET LAID.

1476
00:48:22,167 --> 00:48:23,601
I WAS TRYING TO MAKE FRIENDS

1477
00:48:23,667 --> 00:48:25,100
WITH GUYS WHO COULD GET LAID,

1478
00:48:25,167 --> 00:48:26,167
MAYBE GET A LEFTOVER OR

1479
00:48:26,234 --> 00:48:26,868
SOMETHING, YOU KNOW?

1480
00:48:26,934 --> 00:48:34,801
[LAUGHTER]

1481
00:48:34,868 --> 00:48:36,210
THAT... THAT WAS NOT MY
STRATEGY WHEN I COULDN'T GET

1482
00:48:36,234 --> 00:48:36,567
LAID.
MY STRATEGY WAS TO MASTURBATE

1483
00:48:37,234 --> 00:48:41,267
AND PLOT.

1484
00:48:41,334 --> 00:48:41,534
[LAUGHTER]
THAT WAS MY STRATEGY,

1485
00:48:42,100 --> 00:48:43,200
MASTURBATING AND PLOTTING.

1486
00:48:43,267 --> 00:48:44,601
AND I CAME UP WITH THIS.

1487
00:48:44,667 --> 00:48:47,801
NO.

1488
00:48:47,868 --> 00:48:49,467
[APPLAUSE]

1489
00:48:49,534 --> 00:48:50,844
NO, NO, NO, NO, I DO THIS FOR
THE LOVE OF COMEDY, LADIES AND

1490
00:48:50,868 --> 00:48:58,467
GENTLEMEN, COMEDY.

1491
00:48:58,534 --> 00:48:59,234
BUT YOU DO REALIZE THAT ALL THE

1492
00:48:59,300 --> 00:49:00,567
#MeToo STUFF IS WEAPONIZED

1493
00:49:00,634 --> 00:49:02,234
AGAINST ONE SIDE.

1494
00:49:02,300 --> 00:49:03,033
YOU KNOW, BECAUSE THE

1495
00:49:03,100 --> 00:49:05,868
REPUBLICANS DON'T CARE.

1496
00:49:05,934 --> 00:49:07,214
LOOK AT ALL THE MANY, MANY, MANY

1497
00:49:07,267 --> 00:49:08,100
DOZENS OF WOMEN TRUMP ABUSED.

1498
00:49:08,167 --> 00:49:09,767
THEY NEVER CARED.

1499
00:49:09,834 --> 00:49:10,601
THE HOLLYWOOD ACCESS TAPE.

1500
00:49:10,667 --> 00:49:11,868
THEY DIDN'T CARE.

1501
00:49:11,934 --> 00:49:13,400
THEY RAN A FUCKING CHILD

1502
00:49:13,467 --> 00:49:14,567
MOLESTER IN ALABAMA.

1503
00:49:14,634 --> 00:49:16,300
THEY DON'T CARE.

1504
00:49:16,367 --> 00:49:17,447
DEMOCRATS, WE GOT RID OF AL

1505
00:49:17,500 --> 00:49:19,500
FRANKEN, RIGHT?

1506
00:49:19,567 --> 00:49:20,734
BILL CLINTON, NOT ALLOWED TO

1507
00:49:20,801 --> 00:49:22,834
MAKE A SPEECH ANYMORE.

1508
00:49:22,901 --> 00:49:24,300
ELIOT SPITZER, I THOUGHT, WAS A

1509
00:49:24,367 --> 00:49:25,367
REALLY GOOD PROGRESSIVE

1510
00:49:25,400 --> 00:49:26,701
GOVERNOR OF NEW YORK.

1511
00:49:26,767 --> 00:49:27,500
HE HAD TO GO AWAY BECAUSE HE HAD

1512
00:49:27,567 --> 00:49:29,400
A HOOKER SCANDAL.

1513
00:49:29,467 --> 00:49:30,968
AND, YOU KNOW, WHEN A POLITICIAN

1514
00:49:31,033 --> 00:49:32,834
GETS BLOWN BY A HOOKER, IT TAKES

1515
00:49:32,901 --> 00:49:34,181
A JOB AWAY FROM A LOBBYIST.
SO...

1516
00:49:34,500 --> 00:49:40,300
[LAUGHTER]

1517
00:49:40,367 --> 00:49:42,534
THAT CANNOT HAPPEN.

1518
00:49:42,601 --> 00:49:43,968
BUT REALLY, YOU LOOK AT THE

1519
00:49:44,033 --> 00:49:46,167
#MeToo CASES, IT'S ALWAYS A LOT

1520
00:49:46,234 --> 00:49:47,634
OF LEFT STUFF.

1521
00:49:47,701 --> 00:49:51,934
YOU KNOW, A LOT OF BALLET,

1522
00:49:52,000 --> 00:49:53,109
PEOPLE GOTTEN CONDUCTORS, YOU

1523
00:49:53,133 --> 00:49:55,200
KNOW, OPERA.

1524
00:49:55,267 --> 00:49:56,868
I'M ALWAYS LIKE, REALLY?

1525
00:49:56,934 --> 00:49:58,534
MEATPACKING HAS A PERFECT

1526
00:49:58,601 --> 00:50:03,367
RECORD, YOU KNOW, NOTHING EVER

1527
00:50:03,434 --> 00:50:08,701
HAPPENED AT A TRUCK STOP?

1528
00:50:08,767 --> 00:50:09,067
[LAUGHS]
FRACKING IS FILLED WITH NOTHING

1529
00:50:09,767 --> 00:50:10,334
BUT PERFECT FEMINISTS.

1530
00:50:10,400 --> 00:50:11,868
I MEAN.

1531
00:50:11,934 --> 00:50:14,868
NPR FIRED EIGHT PEOPLE.

1532
00:50:14,934 --> 00:50:17,167
NPR IS THE SEED OF PREDATION IN

1533
00:50:17,234 --> 00:50:18,443
AMERICA?
ONE OF THEM WAS GARRISON

1534
00:50:18,467 --> 00:50:19,734
KEILLOR.

1535
00:50:19,801 --> 00:50:24,968
YOU KNOW GARRISON KEILLOR.

1536
00:50:25,033 --> 00:50:26,210
NO, I HAVE NO DOG IN THIS
FIGHT.

1537
00:50:26,234 --> 00:50:27,710
HE'D NEVER BEEN ON MY SHOW.
I'VE NEVER HEARD HIS SHOW

1538
00:50:27,734 --> 00:50:28,500
BECAUSE I DON'T OWN A CANDLE

1539
00:50:28,567 --> 00:50:32,868
SHOP IN VERMONT.

1540
00:50:32,934 --> 00:50:34,574
[LAUGHTER]
WHAT'S ALWAYS STRUCK ME AS SOME

1541
00:50:34,934 --> 00:50:36,300
CORNY SHIT, BUT I GOT IT THAT HE

1542
00:50:36,367 --> 00:50:38,200
WAS, LIKE, ICONIC BECAUSE THEY

1543
00:50:38,267 --> 00:50:40,133
NOT ONLY FIRED HIM, THEY

1544
00:50:40,200 --> 00:50:42,133
SCRUBBED THE ARCHIVES, COULDN'T

1545
00:50:42,200 --> 00:50:44,567
EVEN HEAR HIS OLD SHIT.

1546
00:50:44,634 --> 00:50:45,234
I'M LIKE, WHAT DID THIS

1547
00:50:45,300 --> 00:50:49,667
MOTHERFUCKER DO?

1548
00:50:49,734 --> 00:50:49,934
[LAUGHTER]
I'M READING THE STORY, AND IT'S

1549
00:50:50,701 --> 00:50:51,334
VERY, YOU KNOW, AND HE WAS

1550
00:50:51,400 --> 00:50:52,901
BULLYING AROUND THE OFFICE.

1551
00:50:52,968 --> 00:50:54,534
WELL, THAT'S VAGUE, YOU KNOW.

1552
00:50:54,601 --> 00:50:55,767
AND REMEMBER, AND ON ONE

1553
00:50:55,834 --> 00:50:56,910
OCCASION, I THOUGHT, OKAY, HERE

1554
00:50:56,934 --> 00:50:59,701
IT IS.

1555
00:50:59,767 --> 00:51:01,467
AND ON ONE OCCASION THAT THE

1556
00:51:01,534 --> 00:51:02,734
DICK CAME OUT AT THE CHRISTMAS

1557
00:51:02,801 --> 00:51:03,667
PARTY OR WHATEVER.

1558
00:51:03,734 --> 00:51:05,767
[LAUGHTER]

1559
00:51:05,834 --> 00:51:07,300
NO.

1560
00:51:07,367 --> 00:51:09,367
AND ON ONE OCCASION, HE POSTED

1561
00:51:09,434 --> 00:51:11,300
AN OFF COLOR LIMERICK ON THE

1562
00:51:11,367 --> 00:51:13,901
DOORWAY OF HIS BOOKSHOP.

1563
00:51:13,968 --> 00:51:14,901
REALLY?

1564
00:51:14,968 --> 00:51:18,234
WE'RE GETTING PEOPLE FOR

1565
00:51:18,300 --> 00:51:19,300
LIMERICKS NOW?
[LAUGHTER]

1566
00:51:19,367 --> 00:51:21,067
SEE, THIS IS THE PROBLEM WHEN

1567
00:51:21,133 --> 00:51:22,601
YOU START LUMPING... NO LUMPING

1568
00:51:22,667 --> 00:51:24,400
THE REALLY BAD PEOPLE WITH LIKE

1569
00:51:24,467 --> 00:51:26,567
SOME PEOPLE JUST HAD A BAD DATE.

1570
00:51:26,634 --> 00:51:32,801
AZIZ ANSARI HAD TO GO TO JAIL

1571
00:51:32,868 --> 00:51:34,577
WOKE JAIL FOR TWO YEARS.
HE JUST HAD A BAD DATE.

1572
00:51:34,601 --> 00:51:35,133
IT'S A ONE SIDED STORY.

1573
00:51:35,200 --> 00:51:39,100
WE ONLY EVER HEARD HER SIDE.

1574
00:51:39,167 --> 00:51:40,210
EVEN BY HER SIDE, NOTHING
HAPPENED.

1575
00:51:40,234 --> 00:51:41,133
NOTHING BAD HAPPENED.

1576
00:51:41,200 --> 00:51:42,500
I'M SORRY.

1577
00:51:42,567 --> 00:51:45,000
[APPLAUSE]

1578
00:51:45,067 --> 00:51:46,968
I'M SORRY YOU HAD A BAD TIME ON

1579
00:51:47,033 --> 00:51:48,243
A DATE WITH A GUY WHO WAS TRYING

1580
00:51:48,267 --> 00:51:49,567
TO GET INTO YOUR PANTS.

1581
00:51:49,634 --> 00:51:51,400
THAT'S LIFE.

1582
00:51:51,467 --> 00:51:52,476
YOU EVER HEAR THE PHRASE YOU

1583
00:51:52,500 --> 00:51:53,634
HAVE TO KISS A LOT OF FROGS?

1584
00:51:53,701 --> 00:51:54,710
WELL, YOU CHOSE TO KISS THIS

1585
00:51:54,734 --> 00:51:55,901
ONE.

1586
00:51:55,968 --> 00:51:57,334
AND BY THE WAY, YOU CHOSE TO LET

1587
00:51:57,400 --> 00:51:58,440
HIM EAT YOUR PUSSY BY YOUR

1588
00:51:58,500 --> 00:51:59,500
ACCOUNT.

1589
00:51:59,567 --> 00:52:00,334
IT'S TRUE.

1590
00:52:00,400 --> 00:52:01,601
IT'S IN THE ACCOUNT.

1591
00:52:01,667 --> 00:52:02,844
I MEAN, YOU DON'T LIKE A DATE,

1592
00:52:02,868 --> 00:52:04,400
LEAVE.

1593
00:52:04,467 --> 00:52:05,634
THAT'S WHY RESTAURANTS HAVE

1594
00:52:05,701 --> 00:52:07,300
BATHROOMS WITH WINDOWS.

1595
00:52:07,367 --> 00:52:13,601
[LAUGHTER]

1596
00:52:13,667 --> 00:52:15,000
BUT NO, SHE FINISHES DINNER AT

1597
00:52:15,067 --> 00:52:16,500
THE RESTAURANT, GOES BACK TO HIS

1598
00:52:16,567 --> 00:52:18,701
APARTMENT, I ASSUME VOLUNTARILY.

1599
00:52:18,767 --> 00:52:20,327
HE'S 5'4".
I DON'T THINK HE DRAGGED HER.

1600
00:52:20,601 --> 00:52:26,901
[LAUGHTER]

1601
00:52:26,968 --> 00:52:28,467
HAS HIM EAT HER PUSSY AND THEN

1602
00:52:28,534 --> 00:52:30,968
IS MIFFED BECAUSE HE EXPECTED

1603
00:52:31,033 --> 00:52:34,133
INTERCOURSE, WHICH I DON'T THINK

1604
00:52:34,200 --> 00:52:35,834
IS AN UNREASONABLE EXPECTATION.

1605
00:52:35,901 --> 00:52:37,467
[LAUGHTER]

1606
00:52:37,534 --> 00:52:38,133
I DON'T.

1607
00:52:38,200 --> 00:52:41,701
I DON'T.

1608
00:52:41,767 --> 00:52:42,901
IT'S LIKE IF YOU WERE AT A

1609
00:52:42,968 --> 00:52:44,167
DINNER PARTY AND THEY SERVE A

1610
00:52:44,234 --> 00:52:46,133
SALAD COURSE.

1611
00:52:46,200 --> 00:52:50,434
[LAUGHTER]

1612
00:52:50,500 --> 00:52:53,000
AM I CRAZY TO THINK SOME CHICKEN

1613
00:52:53,067 --> 00:52:54,307
OR FISH IS GOING TO COME OUT OF

1614
00:52:54,367 --> 00:52:55,200
THAT KITCHEN AT SOME POINT?

1615
00:52:55,267 --> 00:52:56,868
I DON'T THINK SO.

1616
00:52:56,934 --> 00:53:03,200
[APPLAUSE]

1617
00:53:03,267 --> 00:53:04,701
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

1618
00:53:04,767 --> 00:53:05,868
YEAH.

1619
00:53:05,934 --> 00:53:07,634
SHE WAS PISSED OFF BECAUSE SHE

1620
00:53:07,701 --> 00:53:10,367
SAID HE MISSED THE SIGNALS.

1621
00:53:10,434 --> 00:53:11,968
OH, YES, HONEY, IT'S SO HARD TO

1622
00:53:12,033 --> 00:53:13,434
HEAR THE SIGNALS WITH MY HEAD

1623
00:53:13,500 --> 00:53:17,901
BETWEEN YOUR THIGHS, YOU KNOW?

1624
00:53:17,968 --> 00:53:18,267
WILL [LAUGHTER]
I'M SORRY, I... MY EAR IS

1625
00:53:18,968 --> 00:53:23,100
PRESSED UP AGAINST YOU.

1626
00:53:23,167 --> 00:53:25,033
LOOK, I'M NOT SLUT SHAMING

1627
00:53:25,100 --> 00:53:26,467
HERE.

1628
00:53:26,534 --> 00:53:28,868
I DON'T EVEN THINK THERE SHOULD

1629
00:53:28,934 --> 00:53:30,543
BE SUCH A WORD AS SLUT AT ALL.
THANK YOU, SLUT.

1630
00:53:30,567 --> 00:53:34,434
[LAUGHTER]

1631
00:53:34,500 --> 00:53:35,934
NICE TO SEE THAT.

1632
00:53:36,000 --> 00:53:36,934
SLUTS ARE ALWAYS IN THE BACK AT

1633
00:53:37,000 --> 00:53:38,801
COMEDY SHOWS.

1634
00:53:38,868 --> 00:53:40,068
MUSIC, THEY'RE RIGHT UP FRONT.

1635
00:53:40,133 --> 00:53:43,167
WE HAVE TO DO SOMETHING ABOUT

1636
00:53:43,234 --> 00:53:44,274
THAT, BUT... NO, A SLUT IS

1637
00:53:44,334 --> 00:53:44,868
SOMEONE WHO'S HAVING MORE SEX

1638
00:53:44,934 --> 00:53:46,234
THAN YOU ARE.

1639
00:53:46,300 --> 00:53:47,443
THAT'S THE DEFINITION OF A SLUT.

1640
00:53:47,467 --> 00:53:49,734
[LAUGHTER]

1641
00:53:49,801 --> 00:53:50,567
[APPLAUSE]

1642
00:53:50,634 --> 00:53:52,267
SO I'M NOT SLUT SHAMING HER.

1643
00:53:52,334 --> 00:53:53,467
BUT COME ON, HONEY.

1644
00:53:53,534 --> 00:53:54,934
YOU DID LET A GUY YOU KNEW FOR

1645
00:53:55,000 --> 00:53:55,701
THREE HOURS PUT HIS TONGUE IN

1646
00:53:55,767 --> 00:53:58,200
YOUR COOCH.

1647
00:53:58,267 --> 00:53:59,534
SO MAYBE STICKLER FOR THE RULES

1648
00:53:59,601 --> 00:54:01,467
ISN'T YOUR BEST PERSONA.

1649
00:54:01,534 --> 00:54:05,968
[LAUGHTER]

1650
00:54:06,033 --> 00:54:07,767
I MEAN, I JUST WONDER WHO ARE

1651
00:54:07,834 --> 00:54:09,834
THESE THESE PERFECT PEOPLE THAT

1652
00:54:09,901 --> 00:54:10,976
WE HAVE IN AMERICA NOW, SO MANY

1653
00:54:11,000 --> 00:54:12,500
PERFECT PEOPLE WHO NEVER MAKE A

1654
00:54:12,567 --> 00:54:13,968
MISTAKE, NEVER DO ANYTHING

1655
00:54:14,033 --> 00:54:15,968
WRONG, GET TO JUDGE YOUR DATE.

1656
00:54:16,033 --> 00:54:17,353
I DON'T LIKE THE DATE YOU WERE
ON.

1657
00:54:17,601 --> 00:54:20,234
WHO GIVES A SHIT WHAT YOU LIKE?

1658
00:54:20,300 --> 00:54:21,820
YOU KNOW, I MEAN, HE DID NOTHING
WRONG.

1659
00:54:22,167 --> 00:54:23,167
NOTHING COERCIVE, NOTHING

1660
00:54:23,234 --> 00:54:25,367
IMMORAL, NOTHING DIFFERENT THAN

1661
00:54:25,434 --> 00:54:27,567
THE WAY PEOPLE HAVE ALWAYS

1662
00:54:27,634 --> 00:54:29,434
FUMBLED TOWARD GETTING LAID.

1663
00:54:29,500 --> 00:54:32,300
IT'S NOT AN EXACT SCIENCE.

1664
00:54:32,367 --> 00:54:34,000
I AM ALWAYS JEALOUS OF GAY MEN,

1665
00:54:34,067 --> 00:54:37,000
YOU KNOW.

1666
00:54:37,067 --> 00:54:38,143
THEY DON'T HAVE TO TALK ANYBODY

1667
00:54:38,167 --> 00:54:39,367
INTO IT, YOU KNOW?
THEY JUST...

1668
00:54:39,467 --> 00:54:43,334
[LAUGHTER]

1669
00:54:43,400 --> 00:54:43,834
I LIKE IT.

1670
00:54:43,901 --> 00:54:44,901
YOU LIKE IT?

1671
00:54:44,934 --> 00:54:49,601
LET'S DO IT.

1672
00:54:49,667 --> 00:54:49,868
[LAUGHTER]
WE DON'T EVEN HAVE TO LEAVE THE

1673
00:54:50,567 --> 00:54:51,467
BAR.

1674
00:54:51,534 --> 00:54:58,200
[LAUGHTER]

1675
00:54:58,267 --> 00:54:59,400
NOW, ALL MY LIFE, I'VE HEARD

1676
00:54:59,467 --> 00:55:01,067
THIS TERM "A SURE THING."

1677
00:55:01,133 --> 00:55:02,634
I'M HERE TO TELL YOU, FOLKS,

1678
00:55:02,701 --> 00:55:04,334
THERE IS NO SUCH THING AS A

1679
00:55:04,400 --> 00:55:07,267
SURE THING, AND I CAN PROVE IT.

1680
00:55:07,334 --> 00:55:10,367
I WAS ONCE WITH A WOMAN SOME

1681
00:55:10,434 --> 00:55:11,968
YEARS AGO, AND I WAS FULLY

1682
00:55:12,033 --> 00:55:15,000
NAKED AND FULLY ERECT.

1683
00:55:15,067 --> 00:55:16,300
GOODNIGHT, LADIES.

1684
00:55:16,367 --> 00:55:18,667
[LAUGHTER]

1685
00:55:18,734 --> 00:55:21,067
I THOUGHT I'D LEAVE ON A HIGH

1686
00:55:21,133 --> 00:55:22,000
NOTE, BUT NO, I WAS FULLY NAKED,

1687
00:55:22,067 --> 00:55:23,901
FULLY ERECT.

1688
00:55:23,968 --> 00:55:24,500
SHE WAS FULLY NAKED AND FULLY

1689
00:55:24,567 --> 00:55:29,901
ERECT.

1690
00:55:29,968 --> 00:55:31,076
[LAUGHTER]
I'M TELLING YOU THIS.

1691
00:55:31,100 --> 00:55:32,610
THIS SHIT WAS HOT.
AND I WAS, YOU KNOW, JUST ABOUT

1692
00:55:32,634 --> 00:55:33,534
...

1693
00:55:33,601 --> 00:55:35,634
[LAUGHTER]

1694
00:55:35,701 --> 00:55:37,100
IT WAS LIKE ONE OF THOSE SPACE

1695
00:55:37,167 --> 00:55:38,367
MOVIES, YOU KNOW, WHERE YOU...

1696
00:55:38,400 --> 00:55:41,534
[LAUGHTER]

1697
00:55:41,601 --> 00:55:43,067
YOU KNOW, THEY'RE PLAYING THE

1698
00:55:43,133 --> 00:55:43,901
CLASSICAL MUSIC AND IT'S ABOUT

1699
00:55:43,968 --> 00:55:45,200
TO DOCK.

1700
00:55:45,267 --> 00:55:46,901
AND THEN AT THE LAST SECOND, SHE

1701
00:55:46,968 --> 00:55:47,767
CHANGED HER MIND, AND I HAD TO

1702
00:55:47,834 --> 00:55:50,734
TAKE MY BALLS AND GO HOME.

1703
00:55:50,801 --> 00:55:51,844
AND THAT'S WHEN I LEARNED DATING

1704
00:55:51,868 --> 00:55:53,701
IS LIKE THE MOVIE INDUSTRY.

1705
00:55:53,767 --> 00:55:54,334
I'LL BELIEVE IT WHEN IT'S IN THE

1706
00:55:54,400 --> 00:55:59,100
CAN.

1707
00:55:59,167 --> 00:55:59,367
[LAUGHTER]

1708
00:55:59,434 --> 00:56:02,868
BUT...

1709
00:56:02,934 --> 00:56:03,976
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
BUT YOU KNOW, THAT'S... THAT'S

1710
00:56:04,000 --> 00:56:04,801
LIFE.

1711
00:56:04,868 --> 00:56:06,043
YOU KNOW THAT PROBABLY THE MOST

1712
00:56:06,067 --> 00:56:07,834
AWKWARD, DIFFICULT TRANSITION

1713
00:56:07,901 --> 00:56:10,434
ANY TWO HUMANS CAN EVER MAKE IS,

1714
00:56:10,500 --> 00:56:11,100
I LIKE YOU.

1715
00:56:11,167 --> 00:56:13,567
YOU LIKE ME.

1716
00:56:13,634 --> 00:56:14,643
BUT I'VE NEVER BEEN ACTUALLY

1717
00:56:14,667 --> 00:56:16,701
INSIDE YOU.

1718
00:56:16,767 --> 00:56:17,777
I'M... I'M ASKING NOW IF I COULD

1719
00:56:17,801 --> 00:56:23,968
BE INSIDE YOU.

1720
00:56:24,033 --> 00:56:24,234
[LAUGHTER]
IT'S LIKE WHEN YOU COME TO

1721
00:56:24,868 --> 00:56:25,367
SOMEBODY'S DOOR AND THEY'RE

1722
00:56:25,434 --> 00:56:26,934
LIKE, CAN I COME IN?

1723
00:56:27,000 --> 00:56:27,834
AND THEY'RE LIKE, LET'S JUST

1724
00:56:27,901 --> 00:56:29,267
TALK RIGHT HERE.

1725
00:56:29,334 --> 00:56:31,167
[LAUGHTER]

1726
00:56:31,234 --> 00:56:32,310
IN FACT, I'M GOING TO COME OUT

1727
00:56:32,334 --> 00:56:33,234
ON THE PORCH, IF YOU DON'T MIND.

1728
00:56:33,300 --> 00:56:36,467
YOU KNOW.

1729
00:56:36,534 --> 00:56:38,467
I MEAN, IF YOU DON'T THINK IT'S

1730
00:56:38,534 --> 00:56:39,234
HARD TO CROSS AT LEAST THE

1731
00:56:39,300 --> 00:56:41,500
HETEROSEXUAL DIVIDE.

1732
00:56:41,567 --> 00:56:42,400
LET ME TELL YOU THIS, I'VE

1733
00:56:42,467 --> 00:56:44,467
NEVER, NEVER MET A WOMAN WHO

1734
00:56:44,534 --> 00:56:46,200
I'VE KNOWN FOR ANY AMOUNT OF

1735
00:56:46,267 --> 00:56:50,067
TIME WHO DIDN'T HAVE SOME

1736
00:56:50,133 --> 00:56:51,567
VERSION OF A STORY WHERE THEY

1737
00:56:51,634 --> 00:56:54,200
WERE INTRODUCED TO A GUY, MET

1738
00:56:54,267 --> 00:56:54,868
THEM ONLINE, ACROSS THE ROOM, AT

1739
00:56:54,934 --> 00:56:56,300
A BAR, WHATEVER.

1740
00:56:56,367 --> 00:56:57,667
AND THEY WERE LIKE, OH, HE SHE'S

1741
00:56:57,734 --> 00:56:58,868
CUTE.

1742
00:56:58,934 --> 00:57:00,367
HE DOESN'T SEEM LIKE A PSYCHO.

1743
00:57:00,434 --> 00:57:02,267
THEY THOUGHT SOMETHING GOOD

1744
00:57:02,334 --> 00:57:04,567
MIGHT HAPPEN AND THEN THEY ALL

1745
00:57:04,634 --> 00:57:07,767
HAVE SOME VERSION OF, AND THEN

1746
00:57:07,834 --> 00:57:08,400
HE OPENED HIS MOUTH, AND I LOST

1747
00:57:08,467 --> 00:57:09,901
INTEREST.

1748
00:57:09,968 --> 00:57:12,934
EVERY WOMAN HAS THAT STORY...

1749
00:57:13,000 --> 00:57:14,834
[APPLAUSE]

1750
00:57:14,901 --> 00:57:16,133
AND NO MEN.

1751
00:57:16,200 --> 00:57:18,868
[LAUGHTER]

1752
00:57:18,934 --> 00:57:21,534
NO MEN.

1753
00:57:21,601 --> 00:57:24,934
MEN DO NOT HAVE THAT STORY.

1754
00:57:25,000 --> 00:57:26,040
I WAS THE WORST WHEN I WAS

1755
00:57:26,100 --> 00:57:27,834
YOUNGER.

1756
00:57:27,901 --> 00:57:29,567
A WOMAN COULD SAY ANYTHING.

1757
00:57:29,634 --> 00:57:30,901
SHE COULD SAY, "I'M A NAZI."

1758
00:57:30,968 --> 00:57:33,667
[LAUGHTER]

1759
00:57:33,734 --> 00:57:35,033
AND I'D BE LIKE, SO WERE YOU

1760
00:57:35,100 --> 00:57:37,400
ALWAYS INTERESTED IN GERMANY, OR

1761
00:57:37,467 --> 00:57:40,434
WAS IT MORE OF A POLITICAL...

1762
00:57:40,500 --> 00:57:43,067
[LAUGHTER]

1763
00:57:43,133 --> 00:57:45,400
SO, LOOK, WE'VE COME A LONG WAY.

1764
00:57:45,467 --> 00:57:49,167
NOT SO MUCH MEN, BUT, YOU KNOW,

1765
00:57:49,234 --> 00:57:51,467
WE'RE TRYING, YOU KNOW, I MEAN,

1766
00:57:51,534 --> 00:57:53,334
100 YEARS AGO, MEN DIDN'T EVEN

1767
00:57:53,400 --> 00:57:56,033
THINK WOMEN HAD SEXUAL FEELINGS.

1768
00:57:56,100 --> 00:57:56,634
NOW WE KNOW THEY ACTUALLY HAVE

1769
00:57:56,701 --> 00:57:58,434
BETTER ONES.

1770
00:57:58,500 --> 00:57:59,234
THE CLITORIS HAS OVER 8,000

1771
00:57:59,300 --> 00:58:01,267
NERVE ENDINGS.

1772
00:58:01,334 --> 00:58:01,834
IT'S ALMOST AS SENSITIVE AS

1773
00:58:01,901 --> 00:58:02,934
MILLENNIALS.

1774
00:58:03,000 --> 00:58:05,701
[LAUGHTER]

1775
00:58:05,767 --> 00:58:06,801
I LOVE MINE.

1776
00:58:06,868 --> 00:58:07,934
WHERE ARE MY MILLENNIALS?

1777
00:58:08,000 --> 00:58:09,334
I LOVE MY MILLENNIALS.

1778
00:58:09,400 --> 00:58:11,767
THEY GOT ME THROUGH THE

1779
00:58:11,834 --> 00:58:12,901
PANDEMIC, AND THE KIDS MY

1780
00:58:12,968 --> 00:58:15,434
AGE WOULDN'T GO OUT TO PLAY.

1781
00:58:15,500 --> 00:58:16,734
I DIDN'T KNOW WHY BOOMERS AND

1782
00:58:16,801 --> 00:58:18,276
MILLENNIALS, WHY ARE WE ALWAYS
FEUDING?

1783
00:58:18,300 --> 00:58:19,443
THEY'RE ALWAYS LIKE, YOU RUINED
THE WORLD.

1784
00:58:19,467 --> 00:58:20,867
WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU TALKING
ABOUT?

1785
00:58:20,968 --> 00:58:22,067
RUINED THE WORLD.

1786
00:58:22,133 --> 00:58:24,868
TAKE IT.

1787
00:58:24,934 --> 00:58:26,300
YOU'RE OVER 40 NOW.

1788
00:58:26,367 --> 00:58:27,701
THE OLDEST OF YOU.

1789
00:58:27,767 --> 00:58:29,207
YOU'VE HAD FIVE ELECTIONS TO
VOTE IN.

1790
00:58:29,567 --> 00:58:30,667
TAKE THE WORLD.

1791
00:58:30,734 --> 00:58:31,910
NO ONE IS JUST GOING TO GIVE IT
TO YOU.

1792
00:58:31,934 --> 00:58:32,868
THAT'S A PROBLEM.

1793
00:58:32,934 --> 00:58:34,009
YOU GREW UP STEALING MUSIC AND

1794
00:58:34,033 --> 00:58:34,634
NOW YOU THINK EVERYTHING SHOULD

1795
00:58:34,701 --> 00:58:35,767
BE FREE.

1796
00:58:35,834 --> 00:58:37,000
[LAUGHTER]

1797
00:58:37,067 --> 00:58:42,033
TAKE IT.

1798
00:58:42,100 --> 00:58:43,334
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

1799
00:58:43,400 --> 00:58:45,400
AND GEN Z ARE EVEN WORSE.

1800
00:58:45,467 --> 00:58:46,710
BUT I'M NOT GOING TO SAY
ANYTHING.

1801
00:58:46,734 --> 00:58:47,934
I MAY NEED THEIR BLOOD.

1802
00:58:48,000 --> 00:58:53,801
[LAUGHTER]

1803
00:58:53,868 --> 00:58:54,868
NO.
I LOVE THE KIDS TODAY.

1804
00:58:55,200 --> 00:58:57,801
I DO.

1805
00:58:57,868 --> 00:58:59,701
BUT, YOU KNOW, THEY JUST... THEY

1806
00:58:59,767 --> 00:59:01,801
JUST SEEM TO BE LOCKED INTO

1807
00:59:01,868 --> 00:59:03,534
CHILDHOOD AS A WAY OF LIFE.

1808
00:59:03,601 --> 00:59:05,334
YOU KNOW, THEY EVEN HAVE A WORD

1809
00:59:05,400 --> 00:59:06,968
FOR WHEN THEY DO SOMETHING THAT

1810
00:59:07,033 --> 00:59:14,033
ISN'T CHILDISH, ADULTING.

1811
00:59:14,100 --> 00:59:15,610
HAVE YOU SEEN THIS, #Adulting.
I SCRAMBLED AN EGG TODAY,

1812
00:59:15,634 --> 00:59:21,734
ADULTING.

1813
00:59:21,801 --> 00:59:22,801
#Adulting.
[LAUGHTER]

1814
00:59:23,200 --> 00:59:24,680
I MADE A DENTAL APPOINTMENT,
ADULTING.

1815
00:59:25,000 --> 00:59:26,343
I WIPE MY OWN ASS.
I GUESS I'M TURNING INTO MY DAD.

1816
00:59:26,367 --> 00:59:31,634
[LAUGHTER]

1817
00:59:31,701 --> 00:59:33,033
I MEAN, THEY TALK A LOT ABOUT

1818
00:59:33,100 --> 00:59:34,801
FRAGILITY NOW IN THIS FRAGILITY.

1819
00:59:34,868 --> 00:59:36,801
IT'S WITH THE YOUNG.

1820
00:59:36,868 --> 00:59:39,868
LAST TIME I WENT TO USE UBER,

1821
00:59:39,934 --> 00:59:41,667
THE SCREEN CAME UP AND SAID,

1822
00:59:41,734 --> 00:59:42,334
WOULD YOU LIKE CONVERSATION WITH

1823
00:59:42,400 --> 00:59:45,868
THE DRIVER?

1824
00:59:45,934 --> 00:59:46,133
[LAUGHTER]
OH, I DON'T KNOW.

1825
00:59:46,834 --> 00:59:47,300
LET'S JUST FUCKING WING IT

1826
00:59:47,367 --> 00:59:48,400
TODAY, SHALL WE?

1827
00:59:48,467 --> 00:59:49,934
LET'S JUST GO NUTS AND SEE WHAT

1828
00:59:50,000 --> 00:59:51,901
HAPPENS.

1829
00:59:51,968 --> 00:59:53,901
REALLY, WE HAVE TO PLAN FOR

1830
00:59:53,968 --> 00:59:56,200
THAT?

1831
00:59:56,267 --> 00:59:58,067
AND I HAVE TO BE RATED, I DON'T

1832
00:59:58,133 --> 01:00:00,400
WANT TO BE RATED BY A FUCKING

1833
01:00:00,467 --> 01:00:01,834
CAB DRIVER, AND I DON'T WANT TO

1834
01:00:01,901 --> 01:00:03,434
WASTE A NANOSECOND RATING HIM.

1835
01:00:03,500 --> 01:00:05,467
I DON'T CARE WHAT HAPPENS AFTER

1836
01:00:05,534 --> 01:00:06,643
I GET OUT OF YOUR CAR, YOU CAN

1837
01:00:06,667 --> 01:00:08,801
KILL THE NEXT PASSENGER.

1838
01:00:08,868 --> 01:00:10,601
THAT'S FINE WITH ME.

1839
01:00:10,667 --> 01:00:12,300
IT'S NONE OF MY BUSINESS.

1840
01:00:12,367 --> 01:00:17,601
[LAUGHTER]

1841
01:00:17,667 --> 01:00:19,634
BUT YOU KNOW, I MAY NEED UBER,

1842
01:00:19,701 --> 01:00:21,901
SO I DON'T WANT A BAD RATING.

1843
01:00:21,968 --> 01:00:23,367
SO I WIND UP TALKING TO THE GUY

1844
01:00:23,434 --> 01:00:24,367
AND HE DOESN'T WANT A BAD

1845
01:00:24,434 --> 01:00:25,567
RATING.

1846
01:00:25,634 --> 01:00:26,901
SO HE TALKS TO ME, PROBABLY

1847
01:00:26,968 --> 01:00:28,434
DON'T WANT TO TALK TO ME EITHER.

1848
01:00:28,500 --> 01:00:29,400
SO WE'RE BOTH PUTTING ON THIS

1849
01:00:29,467 --> 01:00:32,934
KABUKI DANCE FOR EACH OTHER.

1850
01:00:33,000 --> 01:00:33,200
[LAUGHTER]
AND I FEEL LIKE THIS IS SUCH AN

1851
01:00:33,901 --> 01:00:35,200
EPITOME OF WHAT MODERN LIFE IS.

1852
01:00:35,267 --> 01:00:39,868
PEOPLE FAKING THEIR LIFE, FAKING

1853
01:00:39,934 --> 01:00:41,009
WHAT IS INSTAGRAM, BUT FAKING

1854
01:00:41,033 --> 01:00:41,267
YOUR LIFE.

1855
01:00:41,334 --> 01:00:42,343
EVERYONE'S ALWAYS GETTING BLOWN

1856
01:00:42,367 --> 01:00:43,601
UNDER A PALM TREE OR DRINKING

1857
01:00:43,667 --> 01:00:46,667
MAI TAIS AT SUNSET.

1858
01:00:46,734 --> 01:00:48,701
NO ONE'S EVER DUCT TAPING THEIR

1859
01:00:48,767 --> 01:00:52,234
SIDE VIEW MIRROR BACK ONTO THEIR

1860
01:00:52,300 --> 01:00:54,267
'88 TERCEL, YOU KNOW, IT IS

1861
01:00:54,334 --> 01:00:55,601
YOLO.

1862
01:00:55,667 --> 01:01:02,801
[LAUGHTER]

1863
01:01:02,868 --> 01:01:05,000
VIRTUAL IS WORSE.

1864
01:01:05,067 --> 01:01:06,100
OKAY.

1865
01:01:06,167 --> 01:01:09,033
CAN WE JUST PUT IT OUT THERE?

1866
01:01:09,100 --> 01:01:09,801
VIRTUAL, WORSE THAN REAL.

1867
01:01:09,868 --> 01:01:12,667
REAL AND ACTUAL IS BETTER THAN

1868
01:01:12,734 --> 01:01:13,944
VIRTUAL AND FACE.
THAT'S WHY YOU KIDS HAVE SO MUCH

1869
01:01:13,968 --> 01:01:16,500
ANXIETY.

1870
01:01:16,567 --> 01:01:18,087
YOU KNOW, JESUS CHRIST, JUST LET
IT GO.

1871
01:01:18,367 --> 01:01:19,367
LIVE YOUR LIFE.
ENJOY IT.

1872
01:01:19,567 --> 01:01:21,234
IT GOES FAST.

1873
01:01:21,300 --> 01:01:23,100
TRUST ME, IT GOES FAST.

1874
01:01:23,167 --> 01:01:24,434
I'M 66.

1875
01:01:24,500 --> 01:01:25,033
OF COURSE, I LOOK FUCKING

1876
01:01:25,100 --> 01:01:26,200
AMAZING.

1877
01:01:26,267 --> 01:01:30,434
SO...

1878
01:01:30,500 --> 01:01:31,067
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

1879
01:01:31,133 --> 01:01:33,267
I'M FUCKING KIDDING WITH YOU.

1880
01:01:33,334 --> 01:01:33,901
BELIEVE ME, I KNOW WHAT I LOOK

1881
01:01:33,968 --> 01:01:36,100
LIKE.

1882
01:01:36,167 --> 01:01:37,447
NO, WHEN PEOPLE... BELIEVE ME, I

1883
01:01:37,500 --> 01:01:39,200
KNOW WHEN PEOPLE SAY YOU LOOK

1884
01:01:39,267 --> 01:01:40,410
GREAT, I ALWAYS SAY, YES, THE

1885
01:01:40,434 --> 01:01:41,476
UNSPOKEN PART IS ALWAYS FOR YOUR

1886
01:01:41,500 --> 01:01:45,167
AGE.

1887
01:01:45,234 --> 01:01:45,434
[LAUGHTER]

1888
01:01:45,500 --> 01:01:47,033
YOU LOOK GREAT FOR YOUR AGE.

1889
01:01:47,100 --> 01:01:48,143
BECAUSE REALLY, IF I WAS 30 AND

1890
01:01:48,167 --> 01:01:49,434
I WALKED IN HERE LIKE THIS,

1891
01:01:49,500 --> 01:01:50,976
YOU'D BE LIKE, OH MY GOD, WERE
YOU IN A FIRE?

1892
01:01:51,000 --> 01:01:59,000
[LAUGHTER]

1893
01:01:59,100 --> 01:02:00,200
REALLY?

1894
01:02:00,267 --> 01:02:01,507
WHEN YOU'RE 66, YOU'RE DYING IN

1895
01:02:01,567 --> 01:02:03,534
THE MIRROR EVERY DAY.

1896
01:02:03,601 --> 01:02:05,434
EVERY DAY.

1897
01:02:05,500 --> 01:02:06,367
I'M LIKE, FUCK CORONA, DO

1898
01:02:06,434 --> 01:02:11,067
SOMETHING ABOUT THAT.

1899
01:02:11,133 --> 01:02:14,834
BUT, YOU KNOW, I MEAN, I THINK

1900
01:02:14,901 --> 01:02:17,868
THE SECRET TO AGING, I HOPE, IS

1901
01:02:17,934 --> 01:02:19,467
YOU HAVE TO THROTTLE BACK ON

1902
01:02:19,534 --> 01:02:21,067
WHAT YOU USED TO BE ABLE

1903
01:02:21,133 --> 01:02:22,243
TO DO AND HOW MUCH YOU COULD

1904
01:02:22,267 --> 01:02:23,267
PUNISH YOUR BODY.

1905
01:02:23,334 --> 01:02:24,543
YOU JUST CAN'T KEEP DOING IT AT

1906
01:02:24,567 --> 01:02:26,767
THE RATE YOU USED TO DO IT.

1907
01:02:26,834 --> 01:02:28,200
I THINK I'VE DONE THAT PRETTY

1908
01:02:28,267 --> 01:02:29,200
WELL PLEASE, JESUS.

1909
01:02:29,267 --> 01:02:33,701
[LAUGHTER]

1910
01:02:33,767 --> 01:02:39,834
YOU KNOW WHEN I NEED HIM.

1911
01:02:39,901 --> 01:02:40,100
[LAUGHTER]
BUT... BUT I THINK I HAVE YOU

1912
01:02:40,767 --> 01:02:41,200
KNOW, I USED TO SMOKE

1913
01:02:41,267 --> 01:02:42,267
CIGARETTES.

1914
01:02:42,300 --> 01:02:45,000
THAT WAS STUPID, BUT I STOPPED.

1915
01:02:45,067 --> 01:02:46,267
I USED TO DRINK IRISHLY, SHALL

1916
01:02:46,334 --> 01:02:48,567
WE SAY, STOPPED DOING THAT.

1917
01:02:48,634 --> 01:02:50,901
I STOPPED EATING POT.

1918
01:02:51,000 --> 01:02:53,434
[LAUGHTER]

1919
01:02:53,500 --> 01:02:55,467
SOMETHING, YOU KNOW, I MEAN,

1920
01:02:55,534 --> 01:02:56,968
BECAUSE I HAD A BAD EXPERIENCE.

1921
01:02:57,033 --> 01:02:59,000
I'VE ACTUALLY HAD... I HAD TWO

1922
01:02:59,067 --> 01:03:00,367
BAD, BAD EXPERIENCES.

1923
01:03:00,434 --> 01:03:00,968
AND LOOK, YOU KNOW ME.

1924
01:03:01,033 --> 01:03:02,534
I LOVE POT.

1925
01:03:02,601 --> 01:03:07,300
I HAVE SEEDS IN MY URINE, I...

1926
01:03:07,367 --> 01:03:07,567
[LAUGHTER]
BUT I HAVE HAD TWO BAD

1927
01:03:08,100 --> 01:03:09,534
EXPERIENCES.

1928
01:03:09,601 --> 01:03:10,743
ONE, OH, THIS WAS ABOUT, I DON'T

1929
01:03:10,767 --> 01:03:11,334
KNOW, 12 YEARS AGO, SOMETHING

1930
01:03:11,400 --> 01:03:13,767
LIKE THAT.

1931
01:03:13,834 --> 01:03:15,033
I WAS HERE, WELL, NOT EXACTLY

1932
01:03:15,100 --> 01:03:17,000
HERE, BUT ON STAGE DOING THIS.

1933
01:03:17,067 --> 01:03:18,467
AND I WAS TOO HIGH.

1934
01:03:18,534 --> 01:03:22,801
I MEAN, I SAVED MY HIGH FOR YOU.

1935
01:03:22,868 --> 01:03:23,067
[LAUGHTER]

1936
01:03:23,133 --> 01:03:27,300
BECAUSE I LOVE YOU.

1937
01:03:27,367 --> 01:03:28,643
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
BUT I DO... BUT I DON'T KNOW.

1938
01:03:28,667 --> 01:03:29,910
SOMEONE SPIKED MY DOPE THAT
NIGHT.

1939
01:03:29,934 --> 01:03:31,067
SOMETHING, I DON'T KNOW.

1940
01:03:31,133 --> 01:03:32,267
BUT I WAS TOO HIGH ON STAGE.

1941
01:03:32,334 --> 01:03:33,334
IT WAS A NIGHTMARE.

1942
01:03:33,400 --> 01:03:34,801
THAT FIRST HALF HOUR OF THAT

1943
01:03:34,868 --> 01:03:36,100
SHOW, I GOT THROUGH IT, BUT I

1944
01:03:36,167 --> 01:03:37,701
WAS JUST HANGING ON BY A THREAD.

1945
01:03:37,767 --> 01:03:40,100
I KNEW I WAS IN TROUBLE AT ONE

1946
01:03:40,167 --> 01:03:43,000
POINT WHEN I SAID OBAMA AND THEN

1947
01:03:43,067 --> 01:03:44,367
THOUGHT, IS THAT HIS NAME?

1948
01:03:44,434 --> 01:03:46,868
[LAUGHTER]

1949
01:03:46,934 --> 01:03:48,067
OBAMA.

1950
01:03:48,133 --> 01:03:50,133
OBAMA.

1951
01:03:50,200 --> 01:03:51,767
OBAMA.

1952
01:03:51,834 --> 01:03:57,467
DOESN'T SOUND RIGHT.

1953
01:03:57,534 --> 01:03:59,934
[LAUGHTER]

1954
01:04:00,000 --> 01:04:01,334
THE OTHER TIME WAS EVEN WORSE

1955
01:04:01,400 --> 01:04:03,801
WAS ABOUT 20 YEARS AGO.

1956
01:04:03,868 --> 01:04:05,577
AND OH, MY GOD, THIS IS BEFORE
DISPENSARIES, YOU KNOW.

1957
01:04:05,601 --> 01:04:06,777
SO YOU DIDN'T KNOW HOW MUCH POT

1958
01:04:06,801 --> 01:04:08,000
IF YOU WERE EATING IT BECAUSE

1959
01:04:08,067 --> 01:04:09,334
YOU ATE IT IN A BROWNIE OR A

1960
01:04:09,400 --> 01:04:10,844
COOKIE, YOU DIDN'T KNOW WHAT
THEY PUT INTO IT.

1961
01:04:10,868 --> 01:04:12,200
HOW MUCH OF IT?

1962
01:04:12,267 --> 01:04:12,667
OH, MY GOD.
I WAS HOME.

1963
01:04:13,200 --> 01:04:14,067
IT WAS A SATURDAY.

1964
01:04:14,133 --> 01:04:15,200
I HAD A LOT OF WORK TO DO.

1965
01:04:15,267 --> 01:04:17,234
I THOUGHT, OKAY, I'M GOING TO

1966
01:04:17,300 --> 01:04:18,033
GET A LOT OF WORK DONE TODAY.

1967
01:04:18,100 --> 01:04:19,634
I HAD THIS SHIT CALLED EPHEDRA.

1968
01:04:19,701 --> 01:04:21,101
YOU KNOW WHAT THIS IS?
IT WAS LEGAL.

1969
01:04:21,467 --> 01:04:22,577
THEY SOLD IT IN THE HEALTH FOOD
STORE.

1970
01:04:22,601 --> 01:04:24,067
IT WAS SPEED.

1971
01:04:24,133 --> 01:04:27,000
IT WAS SOME NUT FROM BRAZIL, AND

1972
01:04:27,067 --> 01:04:28,210
THIS NUT FROM NEW JERSEY TOOK
IT.

1973
01:04:28,234 --> 01:04:30,500
[LAUGHTER]

1974
01:04:30,567 --> 01:04:32,267
AND I THOUGHT, OKAY, I'LL TAKE

1975
01:04:32,334 --> 01:04:33,968
THE EPHEDRA FOR ENERGY.

1976
01:04:34,033 --> 01:04:35,300
I'LL TAKE THE BROWNIE FOR

1977
01:04:35,367 --> 01:04:37,300
CREATIVITY.

1978
01:04:37,367 --> 01:04:39,000
OH, FUCK.

1979
01:04:39,067 --> 01:04:41,400
ABOUT A HALF HOUR INTO THIS, I

1980
01:04:41,467 --> 01:04:42,200
WAS LIKE, OH, MY GOD, THIS IS

1981
01:04:42,267 --> 01:04:43,334
GOING TO BE THE WORST.

1982
01:04:43,400 --> 01:04:44,100
AND IT WAS THE WORST NIGHT OF MY

1983
01:04:44,167 --> 01:04:45,267
LIFE.

1984
01:04:45,334 --> 01:04:46,634
I MEAN, I WAS FROZEN SITTING AT

1985
01:04:46,701 --> 01:04:49,167
MY DESK.

1986
01:04:49,234 --> 01:04:50,167
MY HEART WAS BEATING A TRILLION

1987
01:04:50,234 --> 01:04:51,901
TIMES A MINUTE.

1988
01:04:51,968 --> 01:04:53,009
I THOUGHT IF I MOVED, I WOULD

1989
01:04:53,033 --> 01:04:53,667
DIE.

1990
01:04:53,734 --> 01:04:55,133
[LAUGHTER]

1991
01:04:55,200 --> 01:04:56,901
AT ONE POINT, I THOUGHT MAYBE I

1992
01:04:56,968 --> 01:04:57,567
DID DIE AND THIS IS WHAT HELL

1993
01:04:57,634 --> 01:05:01,033
WAS LIKE.

1994
01:05:01,100 --> 01:05:01,300
[LAUGHTER]

1995
01:05:01,367 --> 01:05:06,801
I HAD NO IDEA WHAT REALITY WAS.

1996
01:05:06,868 --> 01:05:07,801
SO FINALLY, OR AFTER TEN SECONDS

1997
01:05:07,868 --> 01:05:09,701
IT COULD HAVE BEEN TEN

1998
01:05:09,767 --> 01:05:12,868
SECONDS, HONESTLY.

1999
01:05:12,934 --> 01:05:13,667
BUT I FINALLY... THE PHONE WAS

2000
01:05:13,734 --> 01:05:15,000
RIGHT THERE.

2001
01:05:15,067 --> 01:05:17,100
I COULDN'T MOVE TO GET TO IT.

2002
01:05:17,167 --> 01:05:18,367
I FINALLY PICKED UP THE PHONE

2003
01:05:18,434 --> 01:05:19,901
AND CALLED SOMEONE TO HELP ME.

2004
01:05:19,968 --> 01:05:22,033
THE SECOND I PUT THE PHONE DOWN,

2005
01:05:22,100 --> 01:05:23,200
I DIDN'T KNOW WHETHER I HAD

2006
01:05:23,267 --> 01:05:25,300
ACTUALLY DONE THAT OR JUST

2007
01:05:25,367 --> 01:05:27,734
THOUGHT I HAD DONE THAT.

2008
01:05:27,801 --> 01:05:29,367
SO I CALLED SOMEBODY ELSE.

2009
01:05:29,434 --> 01:05:34,133
[LAUGHTER]

2010
01:05:34,200 --> 01:05:35,467
AN HOUR LATER, THERE WERE LIKE

2011
01:05:35,534 --> 01:05:38,701
20 PEOPLE IN MY LIVING ROOM,

2012
01:05:38,767 --> 01:05:40,334
WOMEN I HAD WORKED SO HARD TO

2013
01:05:40,400 --> 01:05:41,767
KEEP APART MET EACH OTHER ON

2014
01:05:41,834 --> 01:05:45,868
THAT NIGHT.

2015
01:05:45,934 --> 01:05:46,133
[LAUGHTER]
I'M SO GLAD WE MET EACH OTHER ON

2016
01:05:46,868 --> 01:05:47,300
THIS NIGHT.

2017
01:05:47,367 --> 01:05:49,500
YOU WERE AN AMAZING AUDIENCE.

2018
01:05:49,567 --> 01:05:52,100
LOVE YOU, MIAMI.

2019
01:05:52,167 --> 01:05:52,567
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

2020
01:05:52,634 --> 01:05:54,200
I WANT TO THANK HBO.

2021
01:05:54,267 --> 01:05:58,934
THEY SAW SOMETHING IN ME IN 1989

2022
01:05:59,000 --> 01:06:01,334
WHEN THEY GAVE ME MY FIRST

2023
01:06:01,400 --> 01:06:02,667
SPECIAL, AND THIS IS THE 12TH

2024
01:06:02,734 --> 01:06:03,167
ONE WE'VE DONE TOGETHER.

2025
01:06:03,234 --> 01:06:05,133
THANK YOU SO MUCH.

2026
01:06:05,200 --> 01:06:13,200
♪ ♪

2027
01:06:13,834 --> 01:06:19,167
♪ ♪

2028
01:06:19,234 --> 01:06:26,968
♪ ♪