WEBVTT FILE

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Downloaded from
YTS.MX

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Official YIFY movies site:
YTS.MX

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♪ ♪

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♪ ♪

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♪ ♪

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[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

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Bill: THANK YOU, MIAMI.
WOW!

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THANK YOU SO MUCH.

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I APPRECIATE THAT MORE THAN I

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CAN TELL YOU.

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THANK YOU.

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YOU'RE VERY KIND.

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THANK YOU.

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I... I APPRECIATE THAT.

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THANK YOU SO MUCH.

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THANK YOU FOR COMING OUT.

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THANK YOU FOR PUTTING UP WITH

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ALL THE, UH, PROTOCOLS THAT WE

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HAVE TO DO, BUT STILL THAT'S WHY

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I FUCKING CAME TO FLORIDA TO GET
AWAY FROM THAT SHIT.

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[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

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ALL RIGHT.

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WHAT I MEANT TO SAY IS, WELCOME

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TO THE SHOW.

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BUT HONESTLY, THANK YOU FOR

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CHOOSING TO LIVE, TO COME OUT OF

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YOUR HOLE AND LIVE LIFE, YOU

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KNOW, WE GOT TO DO THAT.

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AND WE CAN... CAN WE BE A LITTLE

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HAPPY?

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YOU KNOW, WE HAVE A VACCINE NOW.

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NOBODY WHO HAS THE VACCINE DIES,

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NOBODY.

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IT'S LIKE, UH, CAN'T... CAN'T WE

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JUST TAKE OUR VICTORY AND GO

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HOME?

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I MEAN, I STILL SEE SOME MASKS
HERE.

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I SEE IT ALL OVER WHEN I WORK ON

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THE ROAD.

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PEOPLE IN THE CROWD WITH MASKS,

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AND I KNOW THEY'RE VACCINATED.

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I MEAN, DO YOU KEEP THE CONDOM

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ON AFTER YOU FUCK?

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NO, I'M NOT...

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AND SIR, ENJOY THAT MASK.

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IT'S NOT... I'M NOT MAKING FUN

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OF YOU IN PARTICULAR, BUT I KIND

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OF AM.

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BUT... BUT I OFTEN... MAYBE THIS

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IS JUST L.A., I STILL

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SEE YOUNG PEOPLE, ALONE, WALKING

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OUTSIDE WITH A MASK, I WANNA

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FUCKING PUNCH THEM AND BREATHE

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ON THEM.

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I... YOU KNOW WHAT, YOU'RE

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YOUNG, YOU'VE GOT THE GOOD
IMMUNE SYSTEM.

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IT'S OUTSIDE.

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PLAY THE ODDS A LITTLE BIT, YOU

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FUCKING PUSSIES.

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I MEAN... WE'RE... NO REALLY,

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WE'RE RAISING A GENERATION OF

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HOWIE MANDELS.

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[BOOS]

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THAT'S WHAT WE DID.

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WE INDUCED MASS HYSTERIA IN

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THIS.

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I SEE PEOPLE IN THE CAR, ALONE,

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WITH A MASK.

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YOU THINK YOU CAN GET IT FROM

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THE RADIO?

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I MEAN, AND LOOK, I HAVE IT IN

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PERSPECTIVE.

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I CERTAINLY GIVE NO QUARTER TO

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THE NUTS WHO THINK THAT, YOU

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KNOW, BILL GATES PUT A TRACKING

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DEVICE IN THE VACCINE.

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YOU KNOW, THERE ARE THOSE NUTS

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OUT THERE, RIGHT?

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LIKE WE COULD GIVE A SHIT ABOUT

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TRACKING YOUR FAT ASS TO THE

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PIGGLY WIGGLY.

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[LAUGHTER]

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BUT, YOU KNOW, IN GENERAL,

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EXCUSE ME, HEALTH IS STILL A

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MYSTERY FROM BEGINNING TO END.

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WHAT, HOW IS TRUMP STILL ALIVE?

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[LAUGHTER]

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[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

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YOU KNOW, DICK CHENEY HAS A

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HEART THAT PLUGS INTO THE WALL.

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REALLY?

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HAVE YOU NOTICED THAT TRUMP,

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UNLIKE LIKE EVERY OTHER

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PRESIDENT, DID NOT AGE IN

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OFFICE?

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WE DID.

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[LAUGHTER]

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WE AGED A LOT.

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THIS GUY LOOKS THE SAME.

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I DON'T KNOW, YOU KNOW.
I, JUST THE PSYCHIC RELIEF,

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RIGHT?

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I MEAN, JOE ISN'T PERFECT, BUT,

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YOU KNOW, JUST NOT TO HAVE TO

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WAKE UP EVERY DAY AND LOOK AT

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YOUR PHONE LIKE, OH, FUCK, WHAT,

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OH, THE... THE HEAD OF HOMELAND

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SECURITY IS IVANKA'S WEDDING

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PLANNER NOW, YOU KNOW, THAT,

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THAT KIND OF SHIT, I...

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PRICELESS IS WHAT.

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IT'S FUNNY.

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FOX NEWS ALWAYS IS LIKE, "WELL,

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JOE BIDEN, UH, PRESIDENT BIDEN

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HAS A DIFFERENT STYLE."

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DIFFERENT STYLE.

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YEAH, LIKE HE SIDES WITH

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AMERICA, UH, YOU KNOW, LITTLE

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THINGS LIKE THAT, LIKE HE'S,

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WHEN THERE'S A WAR WITH RUSSIA,

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HE'S ON OUR SIDE AND NOT

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PUTIN'S.

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[APPLAUSE]

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SHEESH.

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SAY WHAT YOU WANT ABOUT BILL

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CLINTON, BUT FOR ALL HIS FAULTS,

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HE WAS BLOWN BY AN AMERICAN,

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LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, AN

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AMERICAN.

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[LAUGHTER]
IT MEANS SOMETHING TO ME AND

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THANK YOU FOR YOUR SERVICE.

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BUT, YOU KNOW, TRUMP IS NOT

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GONE.

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HE'S JUST NOT PRESIDENT NOW.

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I MEAN, I WAS SAYING FROM

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THE VERY BEGINNING, YOU KNOW,

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THAT I WAS TRYING TO ALARM

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PEOPLE THAT HE'S RIGHT NOW

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BEHIND THE SCENES TRYING TO FIX

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IT, SO HE CAN DO WHAT HE

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COULDN'T DO LAST TIME TO THIS

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NEXT ELECTION.

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I SAID FROM THE BEGINNING HE WAS

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NEVER GONNA CONCEDE IF HE LOST.

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EVERYONE WAS LIKE, "OH, BILL,

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YOU SMOKE TOO MUCH POT."

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WELL, APPARENTLY, I SMOKE JUST

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THE RIGHT AMOUNT OF POT.

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[LAUGHTER]

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I MEAN, WHAT, WHAT, WHAT DO YOU

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DO?

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HERE'S THE QUESTION OF THE

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NIGHT.

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WHAT DO YOU DO WHEN, LIKE A LOT

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OF THE PEOPLE IN THE GOVERNMENT

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DON'T BELIEVE IN OUR FORM OF

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GOVERNMENT?

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YOU KNOW, MOST OF THE

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REPUBLICANS DID NOT CONDEMN

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JANUARY 6, YOU KNOW, TED CRUZ,

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JOSH HAWLEY, YOU KNOW, THESE

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PEOPLE WHO ARE NOT STUPID.

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THEY'RE HARVARD AND YALE.

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AND THEN THERE'S MARJORIE TAYLOR

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GREENE, THE STAR OF "THE REAL

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HOUSEWIVES OF KAREN COUNTY."

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[LAUGHTER]

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THIS CHICK IS ABOUT A MOOD SWING

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FROM GETTING NAKED IN A TARGET.

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HOW IS SHE NOT A MIDDLE SCHOOL

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TEACHER IN FLORIDA, WHO'S

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FUCKING HER STUDENTS?

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[LAUGHTER]
THAT'S WHAT I... OH, I LOVE YOU,

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FLORIDA.
YOU KNOW I FUCKING LOVE FLORIDA.

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I CAN'T HELP IT.

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BUT YEAH, I MEAN, I WORRY ABOUT

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THE ONES WHO ARE NOT THE

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STUPID... BUT I WORRY ABOUT THE

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TED CRUZ, YOU KNOW, THE

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AMBITIOUS ONES.

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HE'S BEEN RUNNING FOR PRESIDENT

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SINCE HE WAS THREE, CALCULATING

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WHEN HE RAN IN 2016, THEY ONCE

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ASKED HIM A SOFTBALL QUESTION OF

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ALL TIME ON "THE TODAY SHOW."

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THEY HAD SAID, "WHAT MUSIC DO

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YOU LISTEN TO?"

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NOW, A HUMAN WOULD JUST TELL

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YOU.

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[LAUGHTER]

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TED CRUZ SAID, WELL, BEFORE

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9/11, I USED TO LISTEN TO

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CLASSIC ROCK, BUT AFTER 9/11, IT

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JUST FELT MORE RIGHT TO LISTEN

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TO COUNTRY MUSIC.

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WHY?

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WAS THE WORLD TRADE CENTER

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ATTACKED BY THREE DOG NIGHT?

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[LAUGHTER]
WHAT?

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WHAT?

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IT IS A SOBERING THOUGHT THAT

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THE REPUBLICAN WHO TURNED OUT TO

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HAVE THE MOST RESPONSIBILITY WAS

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MIKE PENCE, WHO DID THE

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RIGHT THING ON JANUARY 6, RIGHT?

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[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

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I MEAN, COME ON, YOU GOT TO.

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AND MIKE PENCE IS NOW... HE'S

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TALKED A LOT ABOUT JANUARY 6

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SINCE THEN.

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HE SAYS "DONALD TRUMP AND I WILL

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NEVER SEE EYE TO EYE ON THAT

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DAY."

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BUT HE WANTS EVERYONE TO KNOW HE

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STILL SUPPORTS DONALD TRUMP AND

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HE WILL NOT LET THE MEDIA USE

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ONE TRAGIC DAY TO DISCREDIT THE

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ASPIRATIONS OF MILLIONS OF

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AMERICANS, WHICH WAS TO KILL

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MIKE PENCE.

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[LAUGHTER]

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I LOVE THIS.

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HE ALSO SAYS HE WANTS TO STAY

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FRIENDS WITH TRUMP, BUT RIGHT

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NOW IT'S DIFFICULT.

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DIFFICULT... YES.
OH, YEAH.

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I THINK WE'VE ALL BEEN THERE.

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YOU WANT TO BE FRIENDS WITH A

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GUY, BUT ALWAYS THAT AWKWARDNESS

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LINGERING IN THE BACKGROUND

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ABOUT THE TIME HE TRIED TO HAVE

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YOU KILLED WHEN YOU WOULDN'T

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HELP HIM OVERTHROW THE

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GOVERNMENT.

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AM I RIGHT?

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IS THAT NOT RELATABLE?

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HONESTLY, WHAT DO WE DO ABOUT

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THE ENABLERS?

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YOU KNOW, TRUMP DIDN'T GET THERE

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BY HIMSELF, A LOT OF PEOPLE

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ALONG THE WAY, AND STILL THERE.

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THE ONES AT THE BEGINNING, ALSO.

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YOU KNOW, I KNEW THIS WAS GOING

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TO GO SOUTH THE FIRST WEEK WHEN

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HE SAID McCAIN WASN'T A WAR HERO

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AND THE REPUBLICANS DIDN'T DO

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ANYTHING ABOUT IT.

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I WAS LIKE, OH, FUCK.

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AND HE'S... AND THEN HE KEPT

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MAKING FUN OF McCAIN EVEN AFTER

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HE DIED.

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AND McCAIN'S WIDOW, LINDSEY

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GRAHAM, SAYS NOTHING.

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[LAUGHTER]
NOTHING.

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NOTHING.

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I MEAN, HOW DOES HE... TRUMP...

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HOW DOES HE TURN THESE PEOPLE,

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YOU KNOW, WHO USED TO BE KIND OF

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NORMAL REPUBLIC... RUDY

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GIULIANI, THE ONLY VAMPIRE

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ATTRACTED TO GARLIC.

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[LAUGHTER]

262
00:09:07.567 --> 00:09:08.300
AND, YOU KNOW, HE COULD GO TO

263
00:09:08.367 --> 00:09:09.434
JAIL.

264
00:09:09.500 --> 00:09:11.000
THEY RAIDED HIS APARTMENT, THE

265
00:09:11.067 --> 00:09:12.434
FBI, ONE OF THOSE NO-KNOCKS LIKE

266
00:09:12.500 --> 00:09:14.367
6:00 IN THE MORNING.

267
00:09:14.434 --> 00:09:15.033
HE WAS JUST GETTING INTO HIS

268
00:09:15.100 --> 00:09:19.634
COFFIN.

269
00:09:19.701 --> 00:09:20.601
[LAUGHTER]

270
00:09:20.667 --> 00:09:23.334
DON JR. COULD GO TO JAIL.

271
00:09:23.400 --> 00:09:25.133
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

272
00:09:25.200 --> 00:09:26.067
THEY'RE LOOKING INTO THE TRUMP

273
00:09:26.133 --> 00:09:30.167
FAMILY FINANCES NOW.

274
00:09:30.234 --> 00:09:31.567
AND TRUST ME, WHEN HE DOES TRUMP

275
00:09:31.634 --> 00:09:32.467
WILL GO "I KNEW HIM VERY

276
00:09:32.534 --> 00:09:37.667
BRIEFLY.

277
00:09:37.734 --> 00:09:38.033
[LAUGHTER]

278
00:09:38.100 --> 00:09:39.176
HE WAS MY SON FOR A SHORT PERIOD

279
00:09:39.200 --> 00:09:40.567
OF TIME.

280
00:09:40.634 --> 00:09:41.334
I HAD MY PICTURE TAKEN WITH A

281
00:09:41.400 --> 00:09:47.801
LOT OF PEOPLE."

282
00:09:47.868 --> 00:09:50.834
YOU KNOW, TRUMP, IT WAS SUCH A,

283
00:09:50.901 --> 00:09:52.234
I DON'T KNOW, DELIBERATELY

284
00:09:52.300 --> 00:09:56.634
TERRIBLE HUMAN BEING THAT YOU

285
00:09:56.701 --> 00:09:58.968
COULD FORGIVE THE LEFT FOR LIKE

286
00:09:59.033 --> 00:10:00.273
GOING A LITTLE CRAZY ABOUT HIM.

287
00:10:00.300 --> 00:10:03.367
I DID.

288
00:10:03.434 --> 00:10:04.801
WENT A LITTLE AND WOULDN'T

289
00:10:04.868 --> 00:10:06.367
BELIEVE ANYTHING BAD.

290
00:10:06.434 --> 00:10:08.067
NOT, YOU KNOW, NOW LOOK BACK.

291
00:10:08.133 --> 00:10:10.200
SOME OF THE THINGS LIKE THE

292
00:10:10.267 --> 00:10:12.200
THING ABOUT HE PAID TWO HOOKERS

293
00:10:12.267 --> 00:10:13.601
TO PEE ON EACH OTHER IN A HOTEL

294
00:10:13.667 --> 00:10:14.100
ROOM IN MOSCOW.

295
00:10:14.167 --> 00:10:15.334
I DON'T BELIEVE THAT.

296
00:10:15.400 --> 00:10:16.634
I BELIEVE HE DID IT.

297
00:10:16.701 --> 00:10:21.434
I DON'T BELIEVE HE PAID THEM.

298
00:10:21.500 --> 00:10:22.500
[LAUGHTER]

299
00:10:22.534 --> 00:10:23.567
[APPLAUSE]

300
00:10:23.634 --> 00:10:27.400
BUT YOU KNOW, REPUBLICANS, YOU

301
00:10:27.467 --> 00:10:29.167
GOT SOME NERVE ASKING ME TO COME

302
00:10:29.234 --> 00:10:32.434
OVER TO THE REPUBLICAN SIDE IF

303
00:10:32.500 --> 00:10:33.510
YOU'RE STILL ENTHRALL TO THIS
FUCKING ASSHOLE.

304
00:10:33.534 --> 00:10:34.734
ARE YOU KIDDING?
YOU KNOW WHAT?

305
00:10:34.868 --> 00:10:37.767
I NEVER LOSE PERSPECTIVE.

306
00:10:37.834 --> 00:10:39.500
THE REPUBLICANS DO NOT BELIEVE

307
00:10:39.567 --> 00:10:41.234
IN THE EMERGENCY OF CLIMATE

308
00:10:41.300 --> 00:10:42.634
CHANGE, AND THEY APPARENTLY NO

309
00:10:42.701 --> 00:10:44.033
LONGER BELIEVE IN AMERICAN

310
00:10:44.100 --> 00:10:45.601
DEMOCRACY AS LONG AS THAT'S

311
00:10:45.667 --> 00:10:47.934
WHERE YOU ARE, THAT PARTY IS NOT

312
00:10:48.000 --> 00:10:49.367
EVEN SAVABLE.

313
00:10:49.434 --> 00:10:51.067
MAYBE I'M A COCKEYED OPTIMIST,

314
00:10:51.133 --> 00:10:52.601
BUT I STILL THINK THE DEMOCRATS

315
00:10:52.667 --> 00:10:53.667
ARE SAVABLE.

316
00:10:53.734 --> 00:10:57.167
[APPLAUSE]

317
00:10:57.234 --> 00:11:02.500
I MEAN, SOME DAYS THEY TEST ME.

318
00:11:02.567 --> 00:11:03.901
BUT I DON'T KNOW.

319
00:11:03.968 --> 00:11:04.901
WE HAVE TO FIND A WAY TO PUT

320
00:11:04.968 --> 00:11:06.267
THIS COUNTRY BACK TOGETHER.

321
00:11:06.334 --> 00:11:08.200
I MEAN, ABRAHAM LINCOLN SAID IT,

322
00:11:08.267 --> 00:11:10.300
"A HOUSE DIVIDED AGAINST ITSELF

323
00:11:10.367 --> 00:11:13.534
CANNOT STAND."

324
00:11:13.601 --> 00:11:17.534
[APPLAUSE]

325
00:11:17.601 --> 00:11:18.710
OF COURSE HE'S CANCELED NOW, SO

326
00:11:18.734 --> 00:11:23.701
FUCK HIM.

327
00:11:23.767 --> 00:11:24.300
[LAUGHTER]

328
00:11:24.367 --> 00:11:25.868
SEE, THAT'S WHAT I MEAN.

329
00:11:25.934 --> 00:11:27.300
I MEAN, LINCOLN WAS... I MEAN,

330
00:11:27.367 --> 00:11:28.577
YEAH, THEY TOOK DOWN THE STATUES

331
00:11:28.601 --> 00:11:29.434
IN SOME PLACES, TOOK HIS NAME

332
00:11:29.500 --> 00:11:31.267
OFF HIGH SCHOOLS, INCLUDING IN

333
00:11:31.334 --> 00:11:33.000
ILLINOIS, LAND OF LINCOLN.

334
00:11:33.067 --> 00:11:33.934
LAND OF LINCOLN CANCELED

335
00:11:34.000 --> 00:11:35.968
LINCOLN.

336
00:11:36.033 --> 00:11:38.200
[LAUGHTER]

337
00:11:38.267 --> 00:11:38.834
OKAY, THIS IS MY MESSAGE TO

338
00:11:38.901 --> 00:11:40.300
LIBERALS.

339
00:11:40.367 --> 00:11:46.701
ATTENTION, WHOLE FOOD SHOPPERS.

340
00:11:46.767 --> 00:11:47.367
[LAUGHTER]

341
00:11:47.434 --> 00:11:50.300
WHEN WHAT YOU'RE DOING SOUNDS

342
00:11:50.367 --> 00:11:51.133
LIKE A HEADLINE IN THE ONION.

343
00:11:51.200 --> 00:11:54.434
STOP DOING THAT.

344
00:11:54.500 --> 00:11:54.934
OKAY?

345
00:11:55.000 --> 00:11:57.434
STOP DOING THAT.

346
00:11:57.500 --> 00:12:01.100
[APPLAUSE]

347
00:12:01.167 --> 00:12:03.234
THIS BULLSHIT ABOUT ALWAYS

348
00:12:03.300 --> 00:12:05.067
REVISITING THE PAST AND

349
00:12:05.133 --> 00:12:07.434
HISTORICAL PEOPLE WHO DON'T

350
00:12:07.500 --> 00:12:08.968
SHARE YOUR CURRENT WOKE

351
00:12:09.033 --> 00:12:11.067
MENTALITY, WHAT A CHEAP WAY TO

352
00:12:11.133 --> 00:12:11.567
LOOK ENLIGHTENED AND BIG

353
00:12:11.634 --> 00:12:13.100
YOURSELF UP.

354
00:12:13.167 --> 00:12:14.467
FUCK YOU, ABRAHAM LINCOLN ISN'T

355
00:12:14.534 --> 00:12:15.334
GOOD ENOUGH FOR YOU.

356
00:12:15.400 --> 00:12:18.434
[APPLAUSE]

357
00:12:18.500 --> 00:12:20.067
LET ME TELL YOU SOMETHING THAT

358
00:12:20.133 --> 00:12:21.767
WE EVEN HAVE TO QUESTION THAT

359
00:12:21.834 --> 00:12:24.601
IS, DON'T EVEN START.

360
00:12:24.667 --> 00:12:27.534
BUT LOOK, EVERY GENERATION.

361
00:12:27.601 --> 00:12:28.400
EVERY GENERATION IS THE WHAT

362
00:12:28.467 --> 00:12:30.267
WERE YOU THINKING GENERATION?

363
00:12:30.334 --> 00:12:32.300
YOU KNOW, FIRST TIME I FLEW TO

364
00:12:32.367 --> 00:12:33.234
THIS CITY, I SMOKED ON THE

365
00:12:33.300 --> 00:12:36.801
PLANE.

366
00:12:36.868 --> 00:12:37.868
[LAUGHTER]
REALLY?

367
00:12:38.133 --> 00:12:39.343
WHO THOUGHT THAT WAS A GOOD
IDEA?

368
00:12:39.367 --> 00:12:40.000
SMOKING.

369
00:12:40.067 --> 00:12:41.400
[LAUGHTER]

370
00:12:41.467 --> 00:12:41.934
I'LL TELL YOU WHO.

371
00:12:42.000 --> 00:12:43.000
EVERYBODY.

372
00:12:43.033 --> 00:12:44.513
EVERYBODY WAS COMPLETELY FINE
WITH IT.

373
00:12:44.667 --> 00:12:46.133
IT'S JUST WHAT WE DID.

374
00:12:46.200 --> 00:12:46.868
YOU KNOW?

375
00:12:46.934 --> 00:12:48.634
I MEAN, DOCTORS.

376
00:12:48.701 --> 00:12:49.634
DOCTORS USED TO DO CIGARETTE

377
00:12:49.701 --> 00:12:51.400
ADS.

378
00:12:51.467 --> 00:12:52.634
I'M NOT KIDDING.

379
00:12:52.701 --> 00:12:57.567
YOU CAN LOOK... LOOK UP AN OLD

380
00:12:57.634 --> 00:12:58.877
"LIFE MAGAZINE."
A LUNG SURGEON NEEDS STEADY

381
00:12:58.901 --> 00:13:02.334
HANDS.

382
00:13:02.400 --> 00:13:02.601
[LAUGHTER]

383
00:13:02.667 --> 00:13:06.234
I SWEAR YOU CAN FIND THAT.

384
00:13:06.300 --> 00:13:07.801
THEY USED TO PUT HEROIN IN COUGH

385
00:13:07.868 --> 00:13:09.601
MEDICINE AND COCAINE IN SOFT

386
00:13:09.667 --> 00:13:11.701
DRINKS.

387
00:13:11.767 --> 00:13:16.267
THAT WAS NOT A BAD IDEA.

388
00:13:16.334 --> 00:13:17.667
[LAUGHTER]

389
00:13:17.734 --> 00:13:20.868
WE USED TO, LIKE, JUST LITTER

390
00:13:20.934 --> 00:13:23.400
OUT THE CAR WINDOW.

391
00:13:23.467 --> 00:13:24.934
LIKE, WHATEVER WAS IN YOUR HAND,

392
00:13:25.000 --> 00:13:25.534
JUST FUCKING THROW IT OUT THE

393
00:13:25.601 --> 00:13:29.801
WINDOW.

394
00:13:29.868 --> 00:13:31.109
[LAUGHTER]
NOBODY THOUGHT THAT WAS WRONG.

395
00:13:31.133 --> 00:13:32.844
AND THEN THEY MADE THE
COMMERCIAL WITH THE CRYING

396
00:13:32.868 --> 00:13:34.334
INDIAN, AND WE WERE LIKE,

397
00:13:34.400 --> 00:13:35.710
OH, I DIDN'T KNOW THAT MADE
INDIANS CRY.

398
00:13:35.734 --> 00:13:39.100
I'M SORRY.

399
00:13:39.167 --> 00:13:40.276
[LAUGHTER]
WE DON'T HAVE TO THROW SHIT OUT

400
00:13:40.300 --> 00:13:40.667
THE WINDOW.

401
00:13:40.734 --> 00:13:42.634
AND WE STOPPED, YOU KNOW?

402
00:13:42.701 --> 00:13:44.200
I MEAN, MY MOTHER DRANK DURING

403
00:13:44.267 --> 00:13:45.634
HER PREGNANCY, AND I CAME OUT

404
00:13:45.701 --> 00:13:47.133
PERFECTLY NORMAL.

405
00:13:47.200 --> 00:13:51.801
[LAUGHTER]

406
00:13:51.868 --> 00:13:52.877
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
WAIT.

407
00:13:52.901 --> 00:13:57.334
WHY IS THAT FUNNY?

408
00:13:57.400 --> 00:13:59.133
AND I MUST SAY ON THAT SCORE, I

409
00:13:59.200 --> 00:14:01.200
HAVE SEEN THIS A COUPLE OF TIMES

410
00:14:01.267 --> 00:14:02.701
IN A RESTAURANT.

411
00:14:02.767 --> 00:14:04.100
A PREGNANT WOMAN IS HAVING

412
00:14:04.167 --> 00:14:05.834
DINNER, DRINKING A GLASS OF

413
00:14:05.901 --> 00:14:08.500
WINE, AND SOME STRANGER WILL

414
00:14:08.567 --> 00:14:09.710
COME OVER AND SCOLD HER, OKAY,

415
00:14:09.734 --> 00:14:10.400
THIS BULLSHIT HAS TO STOP IN

416
00:14:10.467 --> 00:14:11.901
AMERICA.

417
00:14:11.968 --> 00:14:14.500
THE SNITCHES AND BITCHES COUNTRY

418
00:14:14.567 --> 00:14:19.100
WE LIVE IN.

419
00:14:19.167 --> 00:14:20.376
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
MIND YOUR OWN FUCKING BUSINESS.

420
00:14:20.400 --> 00:14:21.267
MIND YOUR OWN BUSINESS.

421
00:14:21.334 --> 00:14:23.434
[APPLAUSE]

422
00:14:23.500 --> 00:14:25.000
AND I BET YOU THE PERSON WHO'S

423
00:14:25.067 --> 00:14:26.601
DOING THE SCOLDING WAS

424
00:14:26.667 --> 00:14:27.801
PRO-CHOICE.

425
00:14:27.868 --> 00:14:29.434
AND I'M PRO-CHOICE.

426
00:14:29.500 --> 00:14:31.601
BUT I GET THE OTHER ARGUMENT.

427
00:14:31.667 --> 00:14:33.834
YOU KNOW, I DON'T THINK A FETUS

428
00:14:33.901 --> 00:14:34.910
IS LIFE, BUT IT'S UNDENIABLY

429
00:14:34.934 --> 00:14:37.334
BECOMING A LIFE.

430
00:14:37.400 --> 00:14:38.601
SO WHAT, YOU'RE OKAY WITH

431
00:14:38.667 --> 00:14:39.234
KILLING IT, BUT NOT GETTING IT A

432
00:14:39.300 --> 00:14:40.667
LITTLE DRUNK?

433
00:14:40.734 --> 00:14:47.701
[LAUGHTER]

434
00:14:47.767 --> 00:14:48.367
YOU'RE OKAY.

435
00:14:48.434 --> 00:14:49.767
YOU'RE OKAY.

436
00:14:49.834 --> 00:14:53.534
[LAUGHTER]

437
00:14:53.601 --> 00:14:54.200
[APPLAUSE]

438
00:14:54.267 --> 00:14:55.767
SO YES, LINCOLN SAID SOME RACIST

439
00:14:55.834 --> 00:14:57.234
THINGS.

440
00:14:57.300 --> 00:14:58.420
SO DID EVERY WHITE PERSON IN

441
00:14:58.467 --> 00:15:00.767
1860.

442
00:15:00.834 --> 00:15:02.634
COLUMBUS HAD SLAVES.

443
00:15:02.701 --> 00:15:05.033
SO DID EVERYONE IN 1492 WHO

444
00:15:05.100 --> 00:15:07.300
COULD AFFORD IT, INCLUDING

445
00:15:07.367 --> 00:15:08.934
PEOPLE OF COLOR IN OTHER

446
00:15:09.000 --> 00:15:11.701
PARTS OF THE WORLD.

447
00:15:11.767 --> 00:15:12.334
[APPLAUSE]

448
00:15:12.400 --> 00:15:16.167
APPLAUSE FOR THAT?

449
00:15:16.234 --> 00:15:16.434
[LAUGHTER]

450
00:15:16.500 --> 00:15:17.767
WHAT ARE WE APPLAUDING THERE?

451
00:15:17.834 --> 00:15:19.200
SLAVERY THAT PEOPLE OF... PEOPLE

452
00:15:19.267 --> 00:15:20.901
OF COLOR DID IT TOO.

453
00:15:20.968 --> 00:15:22.167
THAT'S... I'M GLAD THEY WERE

454
00:15:22.234 --> 00:15:23.500
REPRESENTED, SIR.

455
00:15:23.567 --> 00:15:26.100
I AGREE WITH YOU.

456
00:15:26.167 --> 00:15:27.400
NOT AN APPLAUSE BREAK, MY

457
00:15:27.467 --> 00:15:28.300
FRIEND, BUT...

458
00:15:28.367 --> 00:15:34.801
[LAUGHTER]

459
00:15:34.868 --> 00:15:36.334
YOU KNOW WHO ELSE HAD SLAVES?

460
00:15:36.400 --> 00:15:39.367
EVERYONE IN THE BIBLE.

461
00:15:39.434 --> 00:15:40.734
EVERYONE IN THE BIBLE.

462
00:15:40.801 --> 00:15:42.701
SHOULD WE CANCEL GOD?

463
00:15:42.767 --> 00:15:50.767
[LAUGHTER]

464
00:15:51.234 --> 00:15:54.868
I HAVE TRIED.

465
00:15:54.934 --> 00:15:56.294
REALLY?
AND THAT'S BOTH TESTAMENTS.

466
00:15:56.334 --> 00:15:56.934
YES, BOTH TESTAMENTS, MY

467
00:15:57.000 --> 00:15:58.267
CHRISTIAN FRIENDS.

468
00:15:58.334 --> 00:15:59.934
[LAUGHTER]

469
00:16:00.000 --> 00:16:01.300
BOTH TESTAMENTS HAVE LOTS OF

470
00:16:01.367 --> 00:16:03.133
RULES AND LAWS ABOUT SLAVERY,

471
00:16:03.200 --> 00:16:04.376
AND NONE OF THEM ARE, DON'T DO

472
00:16:04.400 --> 00:16:06.133
IT.

473
00:16:06.200 --> 00:16:07.400
THAT NEVER CROSSED THEIR MIND.

474
00:16:07.434 --> 00:16:08.767
DON'T DO IT.

475
00:16:08.834 --> 00:16:10.400
THERE'S A LOT OF LAWS, LIKE IF A

476
00:16:10.467 --> 00:16:11.976
MAN KILLS YOUR SLAVE, YOU MAY
KILL HIS SLAVE.

477
00:16:12.000 --> 00:16:15.868
OKAY.

478
00:16:15.934 --> 00:16:17.934
THIS IS NOT A DEFENSE OF

479
00:16:18.000 --> 00:16:19.400
SLAVERY.

480
00:16:19.467 --> 00:16:21.000
IT'S JUST SAYING, YOU KNOW,

481
00:16:21.067 --> 00:16:22.076
WHATEVER AGE YOU LIVE IN, YOU

482
00:16:22.100 --> 00:16:23.140
WOULD BE THE SAME ASSHOLE.

483
00:16:23.167 --> 00:16:25.601
STOP FLATTERING YOURSELF THAT

484
00:16:25.667 --> 00:16:26.710
YOU'RE NOSTRADAMUS AND YOU WOULD

485
00:16:26.734 --> 00:16:27.810
HAVE KNOWN THINGS WERE WRONG AT

486
00:16:27.834 --> 00:16:28.767
A TIME WHEN NOBODY ELSE THOUGHT

487
00:16:28.834 --> 00:16:29.868
THAT.

488
00:16:29.934 --> 00:16:32.234
LIKE IF YOU WERE LIVING 500

489
00:16:32.300 --> 00:16:33.734
YEARS AGO, YOU'D BE LIKE, WELL,

490
00:16:33.801 --> 00:16:34.968
SLAVERY IS WRONG AND GAY AND

491
00:16:35.033 --> 00:16:36.100
TRANS PEOPLE SHOULD BE

492
00:16:36.167 --> 00:16:36.968
REPRESENTED IN ALL OF

493
00:16:37.033 --> 00:16:38.434
SHAKESPEARE'S PLAYS.

494
00:16:38.500 --> 00:16:42.500
[LAUGHTER]

495
00:16:42.567 --> 00:16:43.567
[APPLAUSE]
SHUT UP.

496
00:16:43.934 --> 00:16:44.467
YOU'RE NOT BETTER.

497
00:16:44.534 --> 00:16:46.667
YOU JUST CAME LATER.

498
00:16:46.734 --> 00:16:48.267
YOU ARE THE iPHONE 11.

499
00:16:48.334 --> 00:16:51.133
[LAUGHTER]

500
00:16:51.200 --> 00:16:55.567
I MEAN, YOU THINK IF YOU WERE

501
00:16:55.634 --> 00:16:56.334
AROUND IN THE 1980s YOU

502
00:16:56.400 --> 00:16:57.601
WOULDN'T HAVE WORN THE SKINNY

503
00:16:57.667 --> 00:16:59.434
TIES AND THE JACKETS, JUST HUGE

504
00:16:59.500 --> 00:17:01.434
SHOULDERS.

505
00:17:01.500 --> 00:17:03.109
AND OF COURSE, YOU WOULD KNOW,
YOU'RE A GENIUS.

506
00:17:03.133 --> 00:17:03.901
YOU WOULD?

507
00:17:03.968 --> 00:17:10.500
I FORESEE THIS WILL LOOK DOUCHEY

508
00:17:10.567 --> 00:17:11.567
IN... NO.
WE EVOLVED.

509
00:17:11.834 --> 00:17:12.667
I THOUGHT LIBERALS WERE THE ONES

510
00:17:12.734 --> 00:17:18.167
WHO BELIEVED IN EVOLUTION.

511
00:17:18.234 --> 00:17:23.133
YOU KNOW, ONE GUY, LOOK, IT'S

512
00:17:23.200 --> 00:17:25.033
LIKE WHEN I SEE THESE

513
00:17:25.100 --> 00:17:25.767
DISCLAIMERS IN FRONT OF OLD

514
00:17:25.834 --> 00:17:26.834
MOVIES NOW.

515
00:17:26.868 --> 00:17:28.467
I DON'T NEED A DISCLAIMER TO

516
00:17:28.534 --> 00:17:30.400
PREPARE ME.

517
00:17:30.467 --> 00:17:31.968
IF HARRISON FORD LOOKS A LOT

518
00:17:32.033 --> 00:17:33.834
YOUNGER AND THEY'RE USING A

519
00:17:33.901 --> 00:17:39.267
PAYPHONE, TRIGGER WARNING,

520
00:17:39.334 --> 00:17:40.267
THEY'RE GOING TO BE DOING SOME

521
00:17:40.334 --> 00:17:41.334
SHIT WE DON'T DO ANYMORE.

522
00:17:41.400 --> 00:17:43.567
SO WHAT?

523
00:17:43.634 --> 00:17:45.400
I WATCHED THE BEATLES

524
00:17:45.467 --> 00:17:46.634
DOCUMENTARY AND JUST THE

525
00:17:46.701 --> 00:17:53.400
BEGINNING.

526
00:17:53.467 --> 00:17:54.987
"STRONG LANGUAGE AND SMOKING."
SMOKING.

527
00:17:55.067 --> 00:17:56.443
OH, MY GOD.
THANK YOU FOR WARNING ME.

528
00:17:56.467 --> 00:17:58.109
HERE TO WATCH THE BEATLES SMOKE
IN 1969, GET ME A KLONOPIN.

529
00:17:58.133 --> 00:18:00.601
[LAUGHTER]

530
00:18:00.667 --> 00:18:01.667
YES.

531
00:18:01.701 --> 00:18:04.067
WE EVOLVE.

532
00:18:04.133 --> 00:18:05.067
I MEAN, IT'S IN... IT'S IN YOUR

533
00:18:05.133 --> 00:18:07.200
EVERYDAY LIFE.

534
00:18:07.267 --> 00:18:09.167
IT'S IN ALL MUSIC, YOU KNOW,

535
00:18:09.234 --> 00:18:12.100
LIKE EARLY ROCK AND ROLL, '50s,

536
00:18:12.167 --> 00:18:17.234
SHITTY MUSIC.

537
00:18:17.300 --> 00:18:17.500
[LAUGHTER]
BUT I NEVER LIKED IT.

538
00:18:18.100 --> 00:18:20.076
BUT IT'S LIKE ALL ABOUT HAVING
SEX WITH UNDERAGE GIRLS.

539
00:18:20.100 --> 00:18:20.801
REALLY?

540
00:18:20.868 --> 00:18:22.734
EVERY SONG, SHE'S 13.

541
00:18:22.801 --> 00:18:24.801
SHE'S 16.

542
00:18:24.868 --> 00:18:26.667
YOU KNOW, SHE'S 14.

543
00:18:26.734 --> 00:18:28.267
AND THEN NOBODY GAVE A SHIT.

544
00:18:28.334 --> 00:18:30.567
AND IT WAS JUST WHAT PEOPLE DID.

545
00:18:30.634 --> 00:18:32.434
EVEN WHEN I STARTED LISTENING TO

546
00:18:32.500 --> 00:18:34.300
MUSIC IN THE LATE '60s, IT WAS

547
00:18:34.367 --> 00:18:38.634
I REMEMBER THERE WAS YOUNG

548
00:18:38.701 --> 00:18:40.934
GIRL, GET OUT OF MY MIND.

549
00:18:41.000 --> 00:18:42.901
MY LOVE FOR YOU IS WAY OUT OF

550
00:18:42.968 --> 00:18:44.033
LINE.

551
00:18:44.100 --> 00:18:47.300
YES, WAY, WAY, WAY OUT OF LINE,

552
00:18:47.367 --> 00:18:48.434
AND YET I'M SINGING ABOUT

553
00:18:48.500 --> 00:18:49.500
IT.
NO ONE CARES.

554
00:18:50.167 --> 00:18:51.033
NO ONE'S TAKING IT OFF THE

555
00:18:51.100 --> 00:18:52.868
RADIO.

556
00:18:52.934 --> 00:18:58.801
IT'S JUST WHAT THEY THOUGHT.

557
00:18:58.868 --> 00:19:00.167
'90s RAP IS ALL BITCHES AND

558
00:19:00.234 --> 00:19:01.400
HOES.

559
00:19:01.467 --> 00:19:08.000
IT HAS NOT AGED WELL IN THE

560
00:19:08.067 --> 00:19:09.187
#MeToo ERA.
IT REALLY HASN'T.

561
00:19:09.400 --> 00:19:10.577
BUT THAT'S JUST WHERE WE WERE.

562
00:19:10.601 --> 00:19:11.681
AND BY THE WAY, I WILL PLAY

563
00:19:11.734 --> 00:19:13.467
WHOEVER I WANT TO PLAY.

564
00:19:13.534 --> 00:19:15.534
I'LL PLAY R. KELLY RIGHT NOW IN

565
00:19:15.601 --> 00:19:18.767
THE MIDDLE OF A COMEDY SHOW.

566
00:19:18.834 --> 00:19:24.000
THE MUSIC DIDN'T RAPE ANYBODY.

567
00:19:24.067 --> 00:19:30.334
[APPLAUSE]

568
00:19:30.400 --> 00:19:36.934
STRANGE APPLAUSE BREAKS HERE.

569
00:19:37.000 --> 00:19:38.834
I JUST... BECAUSE I CAN KEEP TWO

570
00:19:38.901 --> 00:19:39.467
THOUGHTS IN MY HEAD AT THE SAME

571
00:19:39.534 --> 00:19:40.868
TIME.

572
00:19:40.934 --> 00:19:42.367
YOU KNOW, "BEAT IT" IS STILL A

573
00:19:42.434 --> 00:19:44.467
GREAT RECORD.

574
00:19:44.534 --> 00:19:46.834
AND MICHAEL JACKSON WAS AN

575
00:19:46.901 --> 00:19:47.941
UNCONVENTIONAL BABYSITTER.

576
00:19:48.000 --> 00:19:53.234
LET'S JUST LEAVE IT AT THAT.

577
00:19:53.300 --> 00:19:53.734
[LAUGHTER]

578
00:19:53.801 --> 00:19:58.300
[APPLAUSE]

579
00:19:58.367 --> 00:20:01.334
ALSO, YOU KNOW, WE'RE DOING

580
00:20:01.400 --> 00:20:04.000
THINGS RIGHT NOW, ALL OF US,

581
00:20:04.067 --> 00:20:05.300
THAT FUTURE GENERATIONS ARE

582
00:20:05.367 --> 00:20:07.133
PROBABLY NOT GOING TO LOOK

583
00:20:07.200 --> 00:20:08.000
KINDLY ON A LOT OF THINGS WE DO

584
00:20:08.067 --> 00:20:10.334
NOW.

585
00:20:10.400 --> 00:20:11.920
MURDERING ANIMALS IN THE WOODS
FOR FUN.

586
00:20:11.968 --> 00:20:13.043
I DON'T THINK IT'S GOING TO LOOK

587
00:20:13.067 --> 00:20:13.701
GOOD IN THE FUTURE.

588
00:20:13.767 --> 00:20:15.033
[APPLAUSE]

589
00:20:15.100 --> 00:20:17.033
BOILING LOBSTERS ALIVE, AND

590
00:20:17.100 --> 00:20:18.901
REGARDING THE BIBLE AS SOME

591
00:20:18.968 --> 00:20:21.534
GREAT FONT OF WISDOM TO SWEAR ON

592
00:20:21.601 --> 00:20:22.968
AND ROYALTY, YOUR HIGHNESS, THAT

593
00:20:23.033 --> 00:20:23.934
BULLSHIT I DON'T THINK IS GOING

594
00:20:24.000 --> 00:20:25.634
TO LOOK GOOD.

595
00:20:25.701 --> 00:20:28.534
BEAUTY PAGEANTS, GET OUT HERE IN

596
00:20:28.601 --> 00:20:30.067
A BIKINI AND ANSWER A QUESTION

597
00:20:30.133 --> 00:20:35.234
ABOUT SYRIA, RIGHT NOW.

598
00:20:35.300 --> 00:20:35.500
[LAUGHTER]

599
00:20:35.567 --> 00:20:40.767
IS THAT GOING TO LOOK GOOD?

600
00:20:40.834 --> 00:20:41.901
YOU KNOW.

601
00:20:41.968 --> 00:20:43.067
YOU KNOW WHAT?

602
00:20:43.133 --> 00:20:44.868
I THINK IT'S NOT GOING TO LOOK

603
00:20:44.934 --> 00:20:45.834
GOOD, THIS WHOLE IDEA OF LET'S

604
00:20:45.901 --> 00:20:51.267
ALL BE AMATEUR CAB DRIVERS.

605
00:20:51.334 --> 00:20:51.601
[LAUGHS]

606
00:20:51.667 --> 00:20:52.901
I DON'T... I DON'T SEE THAT

607
00:20:52.968 --> 00:20:53.534
AGING WELL... I JUST...

608
00:20:53.601 --> 00:20:56.000
AND OF COURSE, THE ONE I'VE BEEN

609
00:20:56.067 --> 00:20:57.701
ROOTING AGAINST FOR THE LONGEST

610
00:20:57.767 --> 00:20:59.300
TIME, HOPING IT WOULD GO AWAY.

611
00:20:59.367 --> 00:21:00.534
IT NEVER GOES AWAY, TATTOOS?

612
00:21:00.601 --> 00:21:02.500
NEVER BEEN A FAN.

613
00:21:02.567 --> 00:21:03.500
[APPLAUSE]

614
00:21:03.567 --> 00:21:04.934
OH, GOOD.

615
00:21:05.000 --> 00:21:07.801
SOME PEOPLE WITH ME ON THAT.

616
00:21:07.868 --> 00:21:09.400
YEAH.

617
00:21:09.467 --> 00:21:10.707
I THOUGHT IT WOULD GO AWAY, AND

618
00:21:10.734 --> 00:21:11.234
IT JUST HAS GOTTEN WORSE.

619
00:21:11.300 --> 00:21:13.133
IT'S LIKE A FUNGUS.

620
00:21:13.200 --> 00:21:14.410
IT'S MOVING UP THE ARM, AND NOW

621
00:21:14.434 --> 00:21:15.334
IT'S... IT'S ON THE NECK.

622
00:21:15.400 --> 00:21:17.234
IT'S GOING UP TO THE FACE.

623
00:21:17.300 --> 00:21:22.167
[LAUGHTER]

624
00:21:22.234 --> 00:21:24.534
IT'S THE... THE ONES IN WRITING

625
00:21:24.601 --> 00:21:25.734
TATTOO.

626
00:21:25.801 --> 00:21:26.567
THOSE ARE THE ONES THAT REALLY

627
00:21:26.634 --> 00:21:29.100
BUG ME.

628
00:21:29.167 --> 00:21:31.234
I'M ALWAYS LIKE, REALLY?

629
00:21:31.300 --> 00:21:35.100
YOU COULDN'T JUST REMEMBER THAT?

630
00:21:35.167 --> 00:21:35.367
[LAUGHTER]

631
00:21:35.434 --> 00:21:36.510
I MEAN, IT'S... IT'S FIVE WORDS.

632
00:21:36.534 --> 00:21:37.234
IT'S YOUR LIFE PHILOSOPHY.

633
00:21:37.300 --> 00:21:38.767
THERE ARE PEOPLE GOING AROUND,

634
00:21:38.834 --> 00:21:40.300
OH, BOY, IF I CAN ONLY REMEMBER

635
00:21:40.367 --> 00:21:43.100
WHAT MY PHILOSOPHY OF LIFE IS, I

636
00:21:43.167 --> 00:21:45.100
COULD GET OUT OF THIS JAM, BUT I

637
00:21:45.167 --> 00:21:51.267
JUST CAN'T, OH, YEAH.

638
00:21:51.334 --> 00:21:52.334
[LAUGHTER]
THAT'S RIGHT.

639
00:21:52.567 --> 00:21:55.434
EVERYTHING HAPPENS FOR A REASON.

640
00:21:55.500 --> 00:21:56.510
I KNEW IT WAS SOMETHING REALLY

641
00:21:56.534 --> 00:21:58.000
STUPID.

642
00:21:58.067 --> 00:22:01.801
[APPLAUSE]

643
00:22:01.868 --> 00:22:03.133
BUT OF COURSE, THAT'S ONLY IF

644
00:22:03.200 --> 00:22:05.467
YOU HAVE... IF YOU HAVE THE

645
00:22:05.534 --> 00:22:07.500
TATTOO IN THE FRONT SOMEWHERE.

646
00:22:07.567 --> 00:22:10.067
WHAT ABOUT PEOPLE WHO PUT THE

647
00:22:10.133 --> 00:22:10.400
TATTOOS BACK?

648
00:22:10.467 --> 00:22:17.133
WHAT ABOUT THAT POOR GUY?

649
00:22:17.200 --> 00:22:17.400
[LAUGHTER]
HE'S GOT TO GET A STRANGER TO

650
00:22:18.200 --> 00:22:19.200
HELP.
I'M SORRY.

651
00:22:19.367 --> 00:22:20.167
COULD YOU... SORRY TO BOTHER

652
00:22:20.234 --> 00:22:23.167
YOU, BUT MY LIFE PHILOSOPHY IS

653
00:22:23.234 --> 00:22:24.300
RIGHT ABOVE MY ASS CRACK.

654
00:22:24.367 --> 00:22:28.934
COULD YOU?

655
00:22:29.000 --> 00:22:29.200
[LAUGHTER]
IT WOULD BE SO HELPFUL IF YOU

656
00:22:29.901 --> 00:22:31.310
WOULD JUST TELL ME ONLY THE
STRONG SURVIVE.

657
00:22:31.334 --> 00:22:33.033
THANK YOU SO MUCH.

658
00:22:33.100 --> 00:22:34.367
THAT MEANS A LOT TO ME.

659
00:22:34.434 --> 00:22:36.033
I WILL.

660
00:22:36.100 --> 00:22:37.801
I'M SORRY.

661
00:22:37.868 --> 00:22:39.167
BEFORE YOU GO, MY KIDS BIRTH

662
00:22:39.234 --> 00:22:43.934
DATES ARE UNDER MY BALL SACK.

663
00:22:44.000 --> 00:22:44.200
[LAUGHTER]
WOULD YOU JUST... MARCH 12 AND

664
00:22:44.868 --> 00:22:46.234
DECEMBER 13.

665
00:22:46.300 --> 00:22:46.968
I KNEW THAT.

666
00:22:47.033 --> 00:22:50.133
THANK YOU SO MUCH.

667
00:22:50.200 --> 00:22:52.200
I MEAN, YOU HAVE TO WRITE IT.

668
00:22:52.267 --> 00:22:54.100
I NEVER UNDERSTOOD THAT WHOLE,

669
00:22:54.167 --> 00:22:55.210
YOU KNOW, WE DO THIS TO REMIND

670
00:22:55.234 --> 00:22:56.410
US THING THAT PEOPLE DO WITH A

671
00:22:56.434 --> 00:22:58.234
LOT OF RELIGION.

672
00:22:58.300 --> 00:22:59.376
OF COURSE, THE NUMBER ONE THING

673
00:22:59.400 --> 00:23:01.334
THAT DOES THIS, YOU KNOW, WE...

674
00:23:01.400 --> 00:23:03.567
WE WEAR THESE FUZZY HATS

675
00:23:03.634 --> 00:23:05.067
IN THE SUMMER TO REMIND US WHAT

676
00:23:05.133 --> 00:23:07.133
THAT'S HOT.

677
00:23:07.200 --> 00:23:09.667
YOU KNOW, THERE'S A CHRISTIAN

678
00:23:09.734 --> 00:23:10.743
SECT CALLED CATHOLICS, I GUESS,

679
00:23:10.767 --> 00:23:11.601
OPUS DEI.

680
00:23:11.667 --> 00:23:13.334
YOU KNOW, THESE PEOPLE THEY

681
00:23:13.400 --> 00:23:15.968
LIKE, THEY WEAR A SPIKED METAL

682
00:23:16.033 --> 00:23:18.267
CLAMP AROUND THEIR THIGH ALL DAY

683
00:23:18.334 --> 00:23:19.476
DIGGING INTO YOU TILL YOU DON'T

684
00:23:19.500 --> 00:23:20.634
FORGET ABOUT GOD.

685
00:23:20.701 --> 00:23:24.667
HE'S DIGGING INTO YOU.

686
00:23:24.734 --> 00:23:24.934
[LAUGHTER]
DIG IT.

687
00:23:25.434 --> 00:23:27.210
DON'T FORGET HIM FOR ONE SECOND.
HE'S DIGGING.

688
00:23:27.234 --> 00:23:27.968
THERE'S GOT TO BE AN EASIER WAY,

689
00:23:28.033 --> 00:23:29.300
PEOPLE.

690
00:23:29.367 --> 00:23:30.607
I MEAN, HERE'S MY SUGGESTION TO

691
00:23:30.667 --> 00:23:31.834
RELIGIOUS PEOPLE.

692
00:23:31.901 --> 00:23:32.968
YOU KNOW WHAT YOU DO?

693
00:23:33.033 --> 00:23:38.901
EAT BEANS.

694
00:23:38.968 --> 00:23:39.167
[LAUGHTER]

695
00:23:39.234 --> 00:23:40.934
EAT BEANS AT EVERY MEAL AND LET

696
00:23:41.000 --> 00:23:43.033
FARTING BE WHAT REMINDS YOU OF

697
00:23:43.100 --> 00:23:46.567
GOD, YOU KNOW, IT'S PERFECT.

698
00:23:46.634 --> 00:23:48.300
OH, YES, THAT'S RIGHT, GOD.

699
00:23:48.367 --> 00:23:49.667
AND IT'S BETTER THAN THE HAT OR

700
00:23:49.734 --> 00:23:53.400
THE CLAMP OR THESE THINGS,

701
00:23:53.467 --> 00:23:54.710
BECAUSE THOSE ARE... YOU FORGET
ABOUT THEM BECAUSE THEY'RE

702
00:23:54.734 --> 00:23:56.134
ALWAYS THERE.
THIS IS LIKE AN ALERT.

703
00:23:56.334 --> 00:23:57.133
YOU KNOW, YOU JUST YOU DON'T

704
00:23:57.200 --> 00:23:58.310
KNOW EXACTLY WHEN IT'S COMING

705
00:23:58.334 --> 00:23:59.601
AND YOU'RE JUST FORGETTING

706
00:23:59.667 --> 00:24:02.667
ABOUT GOD AND THE OH, THAT'S

707
00:24:02.734 --> 00:24:03.300
RIGHT, GOD.

708
00:24:03.367 --> 00:24:08.467
THANK YOU, ASS.

709
00:24:08.534 --> 00:24:08.734
[LAUGHTER]

710
00:24:08.801 --> 00:24:10.500
BUT LOOK, I HAVE NEVER BEEN ONE

711
00:24:10.567 --> 00:24:11.500
TO MAKE FUN OF RELIGION.

712
00:24:11.567 --> 00:24:16.500
I...

713
00:24:16.567 --> 00:24:18.200
[LAUGHTER]

714
00:24:18.267 --> 00:24:19.543
ME?
OH, I THINK YOU'RE CONFUSING ME

715
00:24:19.567 --> 00:24:21.067
WITH ANOTHER COMEDIAN.

716
00:24:21.133 --> 00:24:22.634
BUT NO, I HAVE MADE RELIGION A

717
00:24:22.701 --> 00:24:24.434
THEME OF MY CAREER, ALTHOUGH I

718
00:24:24.500 --> 00:24:26.434
WOULD HARDLY SAY I'M NOT AN

719
00:24:26.500 --> 00:24:28.033
EXPERT IN CHRISTIANITY.

720
00:24:28.100 --> 00:24:30.500
I'M NOT AN EXPERT IN ISLAM.

721
00:24:30.567 --> 00:24:33.000
I'M NOT AN EXPERT IN JUDAISM.

722
00:24:33.067 --> 00:24:33.667
ALTHOUGH I TRY NEVER TO PAY

723
00:24:33.734 --> 00:24:35.500
RETAIL.

724
00:24:35.567 --> 00:24:40.567
[LAUGHTER]

725
00:24:40.634 --> 00:24:42.334
BUT I GOT TO TELL YOU, ALL THESE

726
00:24:42.400 --> 00:24:44.701
YEARS MAKING FUN OF RELIGION, I

727
00:24:44.767 --> 00:24:46.500
KIND OF HAD IT WRONG BECAUSE I

728
00:24:46.567 --> 00:24:48.167
ALWAYS WAS ASKING THE QUESTION,

729
00:24:48.234 --> 00:24:50.968
HOW CAN OTHERWISE INTELLIGENT

730
00:24:51.033 --> 00:24:53.634
PEOPLE LIKE WALL OFF A PART OF

731
00:24:53.701 --> 00:24:55.634
THEIR MIND AND BELIEVE STUFF

732
00:24:55.701 --> 00:25:00.234
THAT THEY MUST KNOW IN THE OTHER

733
00:25:00.300 --> 00:25:01.677
PART OF THEIR MIND IS NONSENSE?
AND I DIDN'T GET IT, FAITH.

734
00:25:01.701 --> 00:25:03.000
IT'S NOT A BUG, IT'S A FEATURE.

735
00:25:03.067 --> 00:25:04.868
THEY LIKE THAT.

736
00:25:04.934 --> 00:25:06.868
THE STUPIDER IT IS, THE BETTER,

737
00:25:06.934 --> 00:25:08.234
BECAUSE THAT PROVES THEIR FAITH

738
00:25:08.300 --> 00:25:08.934
AND THAT'S WHAT MAKES THEM FEEL

739
00:25:09.000 --> 00:25:10.968
GOOD.

740
00:25:11.033 --> 00:25:12.834
THAT'S WHY AMERICANS, YOU KNOW

741
00:25:12.901 --> 00:25:14.234
WHO THEY LOVE IN THE BIBLE OF

742
00:25:14.300 --> 00:25:15.200
ALL THE BIBLE CHARACTERS THE

743
00:25:15.267 --> 00:25:17.767
MOST, NOAH.

744
00:25:17.834 --> 00:25:21.133
AMERICANS LOVE THEM SOME NOAH

745
00:25:21.200 --> 00:25:21.667
BECAUSE... BECAUSE HE'S A

746
00:25:21.734 --> 00:25:23.500
MAN OF FAITH.

747
00:25:23.567 --> 00:25:26.434
BECAUSE HE IS GIVEN AN ORDER BY

748
00:25:26.500 --> 00:25:27.580
GOD, GOD SAYS, I'M GOING TO

749
00:25:27.634 --> 00:25:29.434
FUCKING KILL EVERYTHING IN THIS

750
00:25:29.500 --> 00:25:32.701
PLANET.

751
00:25:32.767 --> 00:25:33.877
[LAUGHTER]
I'M GOING TO DROWN EVERY LAST

752
00:25:33.901 --> 00:25:36.100
ONE OF YOU MOTHERFUCKERS.

753
00:25:36.167 --> 00:25:37.701
AND NOAH DOES NOT SAY, THAT'S A

754
00:25:37.767 --> 00:25:41.300
TERRIBLE IDEA.

755
00:25:41.367 --> 00:25:41.567
[LAUGHTER]
THAT'S... NO.

756
00:25:42.133 --> 00:25:43.733
NOAH'S LIKE, I'M ON IT, BOSS.
GREAT IDEA.

757
00:25:43.901 --> 00:25:45.101
LET'S BUILD A BOAT.
YOU GOT IT.

758
00:25:45.200 --> 00:25:46.968
40 CUBITS.

759
00:25:47.033 --> 00:25:47.767
I AM ON MY WAY TO HOME DEPOT

760
00:25:47.834 --> 00:25:51.300
RIGHT NOW, SIR.

761
00:25:51.367 --> 00:25:51.567
[LAUGHTER]

762
00:25:51.634 --> 00:25:53.300
I'M... YOU KNOW... HE JUST...

763
00:25:53.367 --> 00:25:54.701
[LAUGHTER]

764
00:25:54.767 --> 00:25:55.901
AND THAT'S NOT EVEN THE MOST

765
00:25:55.968 --> 00:25:57.328
FUCKED UP PART OF THAT BIBLE
STORY.

766
00:25:57.801 --> 00:25:58.267
STORY.

767
00:25:58.334 --> 00:26:01.801
IT'S IN THE BIBLE.

768
00:26:01.868 --> 00:26:05.934
THE MOST FUCKED UP PART IS AFTER

769
00:26:06.000 --> 00:26:07.367
THE FLOOD, GOD TALKS TO NOAH

770
00:26:07.434 --> 00:26:10.234
AGAIN, THIS TIME BECAUSE HE

771
00:26:10.300 --> 00:26:11.620
FEELS BAD ABOUT KILLING
EVERYBODY.

772
00:26:12.200 --> 00:26:15.601
[LAUGHTER]

773
00:26:15.667 --> 00:26:17.701
SO GOD IS THIS ORB OF PERFECT

774
00:26:17.767 --> 00:26:19.234
ENERGY, THE SUPER UBER RULER OF

775
00:26:19.300 --> 00:26:20.734
THE UNIVERSE.

776
00:26:20.801 --> 00:26:21.534
BUT HE FEELS LIKE SHIT WHEN HE

777
00:26:21.601 --> 00:26:23.834
FUCKS UP.

778
00:26:23.901 --> 00:26:25.200
THIS IS SO INTERESTING, AND WE

779
00:26:25.267 --> 00:26:26.834
KNOW HE DOES FEEL THIS WAY

780
00:26:26.901 --> 00:26:28.934
BECAUSE THE BIBLE SAYS THIS WAS

781
00:26:29.000 --> 00:26:30.210
THE MOMENT THAT GOD CREATED THE

782
00:26:30.234 --> 00:26:32.868
RAINBOW.

783
00:26:32.934 --> 00:26:35.434
BEFORE THIS, NO RAINBOWS.

784
00:26:35.500 --> 00:26:37.634
GOD CREATED THE RAINBOW AS A

785
00:26:37.701 --> 00:26:39.701
GIFT TO NOAH, A SYMPATHY

786
00:26:39.767 --> 00:26:41.601
PRESENT, A KIND OF A... I'M NOT

787
00:26:41.667 --> 00:26:42.987
MAKING... LOOK, IT'S IN THE
BIBLE.

788
00:26:43.500 --> 00:26:44.601
I'M NOT MAKING THIS UP.

789
00:26:44.667 --> 00:26:46.300
HE FELT BAD.

790
00:26:46.367 --> 00:26:47.476
HE WAS LIKE, NOAH, I FEEL LIKE

791
00:26:47.500 --> 00:26:48.500
I'M SUCH A DICK.

792
00:26:48.534 --> 00:26:52.701
THAT WAS SUCH A DICK MOVE.

793
00:26:52.767 --> 00:26:52.968
[LAUGHTER]
I... I DROWNED BABIES.

794
00:26:53.534 --> 00:26:54.167
DIDN'T I?

795
00:26:54.234 --> 00:26:56.234
I DROWNED BABIES.

796
00:26:56.300 --> 00:26:57.334
I... I SHOULDN'T DRINK.

797
00:26:57.400 --> 00:27:00.267
THAT'S WHAT IT IS.

798
00:27:00.334 --> 00:27:00.534
[LAUGHTER]
I SHOULDN'T DRINK.

799
00:27:01.200 --> 00:27:02.677
I'M A NICE GOD.
AND THEN I TURN INTO THIS

800
00:27:02.701 --> 00:27:04.868
ASSHOLE.

801
00:27:04.934 --> 00:27:06.234
ANYWAY, I FEEL TERRIBLE.

802
00:27:06.300 --> 00:27:09.200
I GOT YOU SOMETHING.

803
00:27:09.267 --> 00:27:09.801
BRING IT IN, FELLAS.

804
00:27:09.868 --> 00:27:11.734
YOU'RE GOING TO LOVE THIS.

805
00:27:11.801 --> 00:27:12.300
IT'S... I'VE NEVER SEEN THIS

806
00:27:12.367 --> 00:27:13.467
BEFORE.

807
00:27:13.534 --> 00:27:16.167
TILT IT.

808
00:27:16.234 --> 00:27:17.868
IT'S A... TILT IT... IS THAT

809
00:27:17.934 --> 00:27:19.033
GORGEOUS?

810
00:27:19.100 --> 00:27:21.567
THAT'S A RAINBOW.

811
00:27:21.634 --> 00:27:22.743
[LAUGHTER]
THAT IS A RAINBOW.

812
00:27:22.767 --> 00:27:24.476
YOU'RE GOING TO... IT'S GOING TO
MAKE THIS PLACE POP.

813
00:27:24.500 --> 00:27:25.267
YOU WERE GOING TO LOVE THIS

814
00:27:25.334 --> 00:27:26.734
THING.

815
00:27:26.801 --> 00:27:27.961
JUST NO... LET ME... I... LET

816
00:27:28.000 --> 00:27:28.601
ME DO IT.

817
00:27:28.667 --> 00:27:30.534
I FEEL TERRIBLE.

818
00:27:30.601 --> 00:27:32.167
IT MAKES ME FEEL BETTER, ENJOY,

819
00:27:32.234 --> 00:27:34.033
ENJOY, ENJOY, JUST DON'T DO

820
00:27:34.100 --> 00:27:38.801
ANYTHING GAY WITH IT.

821
00:27:38.868 --> 00:27:39.567
[LAUGHTER]

822
00:27:39.634 --> 00:27:41.000
THAT'S...

823
00:27:41.067 --> 00:27:41.667
[LAUGHTER]

824
00:27:41.734 --> 00:27:43.968
OH, WE KID.

825
00:27:44.033 --> 00:27:44.734
WE KID RELIGION IN A GOOD

826
00:27:44.801 --> 00:27:47.434
NATUREDLY WAY.

827
00:27:47.500 --> 00:27:48.434
NO.

828
00:27:48.500 --> 00:27:49.577
YOU KNOW WHAT THE SCARY THING

829
00:27:49.601 --> 00:27:50.801
ABOUT RELIGION THESE DAYS

830
00:27:50.868 --> 00:27:52.567
IS THAT IT'S SORT OF LIKE

831
00:27:52.634 --> 00:27:54.701
CROSS-POLLINATING WITH POLITICS,

832
00:27:54.767 --> 00:27:56.267
LIKE, THAT'S WHAT QANON IS,

833
00:27:56.334 --> 00:27:57.734
RIGHT?

834
00:27:57.801 --> 00:27:59.033
ANY QANON PEOPLE HERE?

835
00:27:59.100 --> 00:28:01.267
YOU'RE WELCOME, AND... OH, SHIT.

836
00:28:01.334 --> 00:28:04.567
[LAUGHTER]

837
00:28:04.634 --> 00:28:06.167
OKAY.

838
00:28:06.234 --> 00:28:07.367
NO, NO.

839
00:28:07.434 --> 00:28:09.100
EVERYONE IS WELCOME AT MY SHOW.

840
00:28:09.167 --> 00:28:10.601
THAT'S ONE OF MY BIG THEMES.

841
00:28:10.667 --> 00:28:12.100
EVERYONE IS WELCOME, INCLUDING

842
00:28:12.167 --> 00:28:16.367
QANON PEOPLE.

843
00:28:16.434 --> 00:28:17.901
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

844
00:28:17.968 --> 00:28:19.410
WE DO HAVE A LITTLE BIT OF A
CONSPIRACY THEORY PROBLEM IN

845
00:28:19.434 --> 00:28:20.467
THIS COUNTRY.

846
00:28:20.534 --> 00:28:22.968
AND I'LL TELL YOU WHO DID NOT

847
00:28:23.033 --> 00:28:24.300
HELP WITH THAT WAS THAT GUY,

848
00:28:24.367 --> 00:28:26.701
JEFFREY EPSTEIN, I THINK, USED

849
00:28:26.767 --> 00:28:28.767
TO LIVE HERE IN THIS AREA.

850
00:28:28.834 --> 00:28:30.968
[LAUGHTER]

851
00:28:31.033 --> 00:28:32.467
YOU KNOW, BECAUSE BY RUNNING A

852
00:28:32.534 --> 00:28:34.033
PEDOPHILE RING FOR THE WORLD'S

853
00:28:34.100 --> 00:28:37.767
ELITE, IT JUST YOU KNOW, IT JUST

854
00:28:37.834 --> 00:28:38.944
LOOKED BAD TO THE PEOPLE... TO

855
00:28:38.968 --> 00:28:43.167
THE PEOPLE WHO THOUGHT THAT

856
00:28:43.234 --> 00:28:44.376
MAYBE THE WORLD'S ELITE,
YOU KNOW, WE'RE RUNNING A

857
00:28:44.400 --> 00:28:48.400
PEDOPHILE RING.

858
00:28:48.467 --> 00:28:48.667
[LAUGHTER]
I'M JUST... I'M NOT SAYING

859
00:28:49.434 --> 00:28:50.643
THAT'S WHAT WAS GOING ON.
IT JUST LOOKED BAD.

860
00:28:50.667 --> 00:28:51.901
BUT CAN YOU... CAN YOU BLAME

861
00:28:51.968 --> 00:28:53.634
AMERICANS, YOU KNOW, FOR BEING

862
00:28:53.701 --> 00:28:56.133
TURNED OFF TO POLITICS?

863
00:28:56.200 --> 00:28:58.267
I MEAN, HALF THE COUNTRY THINKS

864
00:28:58.334 --> 00:29:02.400
THAT THE OPPOSITION PARTY EATS

865
00:29:02.467 --> 00:29:03.710
BABIES, AND THE OTHER HALF WANTS

866
00:29:03.734 --> 00:29:09.467
TO CANCEL DR. SEUSS.

867
00:29:09.534 --> 00:29:09.734
[LAUGHTER]

868
00:29:09.801 --> 00:29:10.841
YOU KNOW, WHERE DO YOU GO?

869
00:29:10.868 --> 00:29:11.767
AND LOOK, I WORRY ABOUT THE

870
00:29:11.834 --> 00:29:13.133
DEMOCRATS BECAUSE THE SHIT THAT

871
00:29:13.200 --> 00:29:14.434
THEY DO THAT PISSES OFF VOTERS

872
00:29:14.500 --> 00:29:17.067
STRIKES A LOT CLOSER TO HOME.

873
00:29:17.133 --> 00:29:18.934
YOU KNOW, YOU HEARD ME.

874
00:29:19.000 --> 00:29:21.400
I HAPPEN TO THINK THE TWO

875
00:29:21.467 --> 00:29:22.834
BIGGEST ISSUES OF OUR TIME ARE

876
00:29:22.901 --> 00:29:24.400
THE ENVIRONMENT AND DEMOCRACY.

877
00:29:24.467 --> 00:29:26.067
BUT...

878
00:29:26.133 --> 00:29:29.400
[APPLAUSE]

879
00:29:29.467 --> 00:29:30.367
GOOD.

880
00:29:30.434 --> 00:29:32.567
I'M GLAD I'M NOT ALONE.

881
00:29:32.634 --> 00:29:33.434
BUT, YOU KNOW, I DON'T HAVE

882
00:29:33.500 --> 00:29:34.868
KIDS.

883
00:29:34.934 --> 00:29:36.634
TO A LOT OF KIDS, TO A LOT OF

884
00:29:36.701 --> 00:29:38.667
PEOPLE, RATHER, IT'S KIDS AND

885
00:29:38.734 --> 00:29:40.400
SCHOOLS.

886
00:29:40.467 --> 00:29:42.167
I'LL TELL YOU A LITTLE STORY.

887
00:29:42.234 --> 00:29:43.667
BROUGHT IT HOME TO ME, I WAS

888
00:29:43.734 --> 00:29:46.200
CATCHING UP WITH THIS OLD FRIEND

889
00:29:46.267 --> 00:29:47.200
OF MINE RECENTLY, AND SHE HAS A

890
00:29:47.267 --> 00:29:49.434
SEVEN YEAR OLD DAUGHTER NOW.

891
00:29:49.500 --> 00:29:50.834
AND FOR SOME REASON I WAS

892
00:29:50.901 --> 00:29:53.434
TELLING HER ABOUT THE TIME WHEN

893
00:29:53.500 --> 00:29:54.400
I WAS SEVEN AND I WAS SITTING IN

894
00:29:54.467 --> 00:29:55.968
MY FIRST GRADE CLASS AND MY

895
00:29:56.033 --> 00:29:56.767
FATHER SUDDENLY APPEARED AT THE

896
00:29:56.834 --> 00:29:58.167
FRONT OF THE CLASSROOM.

897
00:29:58.234 --> 00:29:59.100
I WAS LIKE, WHOA, WHAT THE FUCK

898
00:29:59.167 --> 00:30:00.167
IS HE DOING HERE?

899
00:30:00.200 --> 00:30:01.200
[LAUGHTER]
WHAT...

900
00:30:01.767 --> 00:30:03.167
BUT HE WAS THERE TO TAKE ME OUT

901
00:30:03.234 --> 00:30:04.167
OF SCHOOL TO GO TO MY FIRST

902
00:30:04.234 --> 00:30:05.367
BASEBALL GAME.

903
00:30:05.434 --> 00:30:06.033
YEAH, I KNOW.

904
00:30:06.100 --> 00:30:08.267
IT WAS A GREAT MEMORY.

905
00:30:08.334 --> 00:30:09.443
AND SHE SAID TO ME, OH, COULDN'T

906
00:30:09.467 --> 00:30:10.467
DO THAT.

907
00:30:10.500 --> 00:30:11.510
I WAS LIKE, WHAT DO YOU MEAN?

908
00:30:11.534 --> 00:30:12.610
SHE SAID, I CAN'T JUST WALK INTO

909
00:30:12.634 --> 00:30:13.434
MY SCHOOL.

910
00:30:13.500 --> 00:30:14.567
WHAT?

911
00:30:14.634 --> 00:30:15.934
SHE SAID, NO, YOU HAVE TO CALL

912
00:30:16.000 --> 00:30:17.243
UP, MAKE AN APPOINTMENT, TALK TO

913
00:30:17.267 --> 00:30:20.100
THE PERSON, PROVIDE A REASON FOR

914
00:30:20.167 --> 00:30:23.200
YOUR OWN KID, HOW ABOUT SHE

915
00:30:23.267 --> 00:30:25.234
CRAWLED OUT OF MY VAGINA AS A...

916
00:30:25.300 --> 00:30:26.467
[LAUGHTER]

917
00:30:26.534 --> 00:30:30.067
HOW ABOUT THAT REASON?

918
00:30:30.133 --> 00:30:31.367
[APPLAUSE]

919
00:30:31.434 --> 00:30:32.534
I MEAN, THERE ARE PEOPLE IN

920
00:30:32.601 --> 00:30:33.467
CALIFORNIA WHO WANT TO REMOVE

921
00:30:33.534 --> 00:30:34.734
SEX COMPLETELY FROM THE BIRTH

922
00:30:34.801 --> 00:30:37.434
CERTIFICATE.

923
00:30:37.500 --> 00:30:39.701
YOU DIDN'T HAVE A BOY.

924
00:30:39.767 --> 00:30:41.367
YOU HAD A HUMAN WITH A PENIS.

925
00:30:41.434 --> 00:30:43.467
WHETHER THAT'S A BOY IS... AT

926
00:30:43.534 --> 00:30:47.968
BEST, A MAYBE.

927
00:30:48.033 --> 00:30:48.234
[LAUGHTER]
LET'S WAIT UNTIL THEY'RE THREE

928
00:30:48.901 --> 00:30:54.334
AND LET THEM DECIDE FOR

929
00:30:54.400 --> 00:30:55.400
THEYSELF.
[LAUGHTER]

930
00:30:55.868 --> 00:30:57.410
I MEAN, MARIO LOPEZ WAS ALMOST
CANCELED FOR QUESTIONING THE

931
00:30:57.434 --> 00:30:58.601
WISDOM OF LETTING THREE YEAR

932
00:30:58.667 --> 00:31:00.767
OLDS DECIDE THEIR GENDER.

933
00:31:00.834 --> 00:31:03.834
HERE'S A CRAZY IDEA.

934
00:31:03.901 --> 00:31:05.801
MAYBE... MAYBE WE SHOULDN'T LET

935
00:31:05.868 --> 00:31:07.968
KIDS MAKE BIG LIFE DECISIONS

936
00:31:08.033 --> 00:31:09.313
WHILE WE STILL HAVE TO MAKE CHOO

937
00:31:09.367 --> 00:31:10.200
CHOO NOISES TO GET THE FOOD IN

938
00:31:10.267 --> 00:31:13.467
THEIR MOUTH.

939
00:31:13.534 --> 00:31:15.367
[APPLAUSE]

940
00:31:15.434 --> 00:31:16.443
DEMOCRATS JUST STOP BEING THE

941
00:31:16.467 --> 00:31:21.467
PARTY OF NO COMMON SENSE.

942
00:31:21.534 --> 00:31:23.968
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

943
00:31:24.033 --> 00:31:25.300
BERNIE SANDERS CAME OUT FOR THE

944
00:31:25.367 --> 00:31:26.801
BOSTON MARATHON BOMBER TO HAVE

945
00:31:26.868 --> 00:31:27.868
THE RIGHT TO VOTE.
OKAY.

946
00:31:28.667 --> 00:31:30.934
I CAN'T GO WITH YOU THERE.

947
00:31:31.000 --> 00:31:33.834
JULIAN CASTRO SAID TRANSWOMEN

948
00:31:33.901 --> 00:31:34.400
SHOULD HAVE THE RIGHT TO AN

949
00:31:34.467 --> 00:31:36.767
ABORTION.

950
00:31:36.834 --> 00:31:40.701
OKAY.

951
00:31:40.767 --> 00:31:40.968
[LAUGHTER]

952
00:31:41.033 --> 00:31:42.243
WELL, THEY DON'T HAVE A UTERUS.

953
00:31:42.267 --> 00:31:43.067
THAT'S GOING TO BE TRY SELLING

954
00:31:43.133 --> 00:31:44.567
THAT IN THE RED STATES.

955
00:31:44.634 --> 00:31:46.601
IF A MAN IDENTIFIES AS A WOMAN,

956
00:31:46.667 --> 00:31:48.100
WE STAND WITH HER RIGHT NOT ONLY

957
00:31:48.167 --> 00:31:49.467
TO IMAGINE THAT SHE'S PREGNANT.

958
00:31:49.534 --> 00:31:52.934
[LAUGHTER]

959
00:31:53.000 --> 00:31:54.834
BUT TO ABORT THAT IMAGINARY

960
00:31:54.901 --> 00:31:56.400
CHILD BECAUSE THERE'S NOTHING

961
00:31:56.467 --> 00:31:57.534
SADDER THAN AN UNWANTED

962
00:31:57.601 --> 00:32:02.634
IMAGINARY CHILD.

963
00:32:02.701 --> 00:32:02.901
[LAUGHTER]
[APPLAUSE]

964
00:32:03.500 --> 00:32:04.400
WHAT'S THAT?

965
00:32:04.467 --> 00:32:08.767
WE LOST AGAIN?

966
00:32:08.834 --> 00:32:10.043
FUCK.
I MEAN, THIS ALWAYS COMES FROM A

967
00:32:10.067 --> 00:32:10.567
GOOD PLACE WITH LIBERALS, I

968
00:32:10.634 --> 00:32:11.734
THINK.

969
00:32:11.801 --> 00:32:12.534
YOU KNOW, I MEAN, I'M SURE THE

970
00:32:12.601 --> 00:32:13.901
WORLD WOULD BE A BETTER PLACE IF

971
00:32:13.968 --> 00:32:14.868
WE HAD A WICCAN ON THE SUPREME

972
00:32:14.934 --> 00:32:19.734
COURT AND...

973
00:32:19.801 --> 00:32:20.100
[LAUGHTER]

974
00:32:20.167 --> 00:32:22.334
GAY SEX SATURDAYS AND UNIVERSAL

975
00:32:22.400 --> 00:32:25.400
HOT YOGA AND CARBON NEUTRAL BABY

976
00:32:25.467 --> 00:32:29.000
CHANGING STATIONS.

977
00:32:29.067 --> 00:32:30.307
BUT AFTER A WHILE, PEOPLE JUST,

978
00:32:30.367 --> 00:32:30.801
YOU KNOW, YOU COULD JUST

979
00:32:30.868 --> 00:32:32.567
SATURATE THEM.

980
00:32:32.634 --> 00:32:34.601
EVERY TIME THE... EVERY TIME THE

981
00:32:34.667 --> 00:32:36.200
DEMOCRATS LOSE AN ELECTION, THEY

982
00:32:36.267 --> 00:32:36.834
ALWAYS SAY, WELL, WE DIDN'T GET

983
00:32:36.901 --> 00:32:38.133
OUR MESSAGE OUT.

984
00:32:38.200 --> 00:32:41.801
NO, YOU DID.

985
00:32:41.868 --> 00:32:42.067
[LAUGHTER]
THAT'S THE PROBLEM.

986
00:32:42.868 --> 00:32:43.367
YOU DID.

987
00:32:43.434 --> 00:32:45.067
[APPLAUSE]

988
00:32:45.133 --> 00:32:46.868
AND THE MESSAGE IS WE NEVER

989
00:32:46.934 --> 00:32:48.601
STAND UP TO THE PEOPLE WHO WAKE

990
00:32:48.667 --> 00:32:50.400
UP OFFENDED AND LIVE ON TWITTER

991
00:32:50.467 --> 00:32:51.367
AND...

992
00:32:51.434 --> 00:32:57.434
[APPLAUSE]

993
00:32:57.500 --> 00:33:00.067
AND AMERICA IS NOT TWITTER.

994
00:33:00.133 --> 00:33:01.573
THEY HAVEN'T LEARNED THAT LESSON
YET.

995
00:33:01.701 --> 00:33:02.234
I DON'T EVEN FUCK WITH TWITTER

996
00:33:02.300 --> 00:33:07.767
ANYMORE.

997
00:33:07.834 --> 00:33:09.801
I MEAN, WHY?

998
00:33:09.868 --> 00:33:11.243
I COULD TWEET GOOD MORNING.
AND THE FIRST TEN RESPONSES

999
00:33:11.267 --> 00:33:12.510
WOULD BE, WELL, I'M SURE EVERY
MORNING IS GOOD FOR YOU WITH

1000
00:33:12.534 --> 00:33:13.767
YOUR WHITE PRIVILEGE.

1001
00:33:13.834 --> 00:33:16.000
[LAUGHTER]

1002
00:33:16.067 --> 00:33:16.934
OKAY.

1003
00:33:17.000 --> 00:33:20.334
I CAN'T.

1004
00:33:20.400 --> 00:33:21.234
AND YOU KNOW, THAT IS NOT

1005
00:33:21.300 --> 00:33:23.334
LIBERALISM.

1006
00:33:23.400 --> 00:33:24.934
LIBERALISM IS LIFTING UP THOSE

1007
00:33:25.000 --> 00:33:25.734
WHO HAVE BEEN FORGOTTEN AND

1008
00:33:25.801 --> 00:33:28.467
FORSAKEN.

1009
00:33:28.534 --> 00:33:29.534
[APPLAUSE]

1010
00:33:29.567 --> 00:33:30.267
THIS THAT'S NOT... IT'S NOT

1011
00:33:30.334 --> 00:33:32.200
BEING PETTY AND SCOLDING AND

1012
00:33:32.267 --> 00:33:34.167
VIRTUE SIGNALING.

1013
00:33:34.234 --> 00:33:35.100
TRUST ME, FOLKS, I HAVEN'T

1014
00:33:35.167 --> 00:33:36.334
CHANGED.

1015
00:33:36.400 --> 00:33:38.701
I REALLY HAVEN'T.

1016
00:33:38.767 --> 00:33:40.047
I AM STILL THE SAME POT-SMOKING,

1017
00:33:40.100 --> 00:33:41.340
CHILDLESS, UNMARRIED, LIBERTINE

1018
00:33:41.367 --> 00:33:43.067
I ALWAYS WAS.

1019
00:33:43.133 --> 00:33:48.367
[APPLAUSE]

1020
00:33:48.434 --> 00:33:49.534
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

1021
00:33:49.601 --> 00:33:50.801
I HAVE MANY FLAWS, BUT YOU

1022
00:33:50.868 --> 00:33:55.234
CANNOT ACCUSE ME OF MATURING.

1023
00:33:55.300 --> 00:33:56.300
[LAUGHTER]
NOT...

1024
00:33:56.334 --> 00:33:58.100
NOT THAT THERE AREN'T SNOWFLAKES

1025
00:33:58.167 --> 00:33:59.400
ON THE RIGHT.

1026
00:33:59.467 --> 00:34:01.100
ALSO, BECAUSE THERE ARE WHO'S A

1027
00:34:01.167 --> 00:34:03.734
BIGGER CRYBABY COMPLAINER THAN

1028
00:34:03.801 --> 00:34:05.100
DONALD TRUMP?

1029
00:34:05.167 --> 00:34:05.667
BUT...

1030
00:34:05.734 --> 00:34:07.901
[APPLAUSE]

1031
00:34:07.968 --> 00:34:10.234
BUT YOU KNOW, THE DRIP, DRIP,

1032
00:34:10.300 --> 00:34:14.100
DRIP ON YOUR NEWS FEED OF CRAZY

1033
00:34:14.167 --> 00:34:22.100
SHIT, PETTY, JUDGY CANCEL

1034
00:34:22.167 --> 00:34:23.910
CULTURE SHIT DOES SEEM TO HANG
MORE ON THE LEFT.

1035
00:34:23.934 --> 00:34:25.254
AND PEOPLE ARE JUST TIRED OF
THIS.

1036
00:34:25.467 --> 00:34:27.210
THEY'RE TIRED OF FEARING THAT IF
THEY MAKE ONE MISTAKE IN THEIR

1037
00:34:27.234 --> 00:34:29.009
LIFE, INCLUDING IN THEIR PAST,
IT MIGHT NEVER BE FORGIVEN.

1038
00:34:29.033 --> 00:34:30.610
AND THEY'VE COME TO REALLY HATE
POLITICAL CORRECTNESS.

1039
00:34:30.634 --> 00:34:31.643
SOMEBODY SHOULD HAVE DONE A SHOW

1040
00:34:31.667 --> 00:34:36.167
ABOUT THAT YEARS AGO.

1041
00:34:36.234 --> 00:34:37.234
[LAUGHTER]
[APPLAUSE]

1042
00:34:37.500 --> 00:34:38.167
THAT WOULD HAVE BEEN A GREAT

1043
00:34:38.234 --> 00:34:40.400
IDEA.

1044
00:34:40.467 --> 00:34:41.934
GENDER MAY NOT BE BINARY, BUT

1045
00:34:42.000 --> 00:34:44.434
POLITICS IS.

1046
00:34:44.500 --> 00:34:46.100
YOU KNOW, DEMOCRATS COULD WIN

1047
00:34:46.167 --> 00:34:47.567
EVERY ELECTION SO EASILY IF THEY

1048
00:34:47.634 --> 00:34:49.133
WOULD JUST STICK TO THE MEAT AND

1049
00:34:49.200 --> 00:34:50.934
POTATOES, JUST STICK TO MINIMUM

1050
00:34:51.000 --> 00:34:52.400
WAGE, HEALTH CARE, EDUCATION,

1051
00:34:52.467 --> 00:34:54.334
ENVIRONMENT.

1052
00:34:54.400 --> 00:34:55.300
[APPLAUSE]

1053
00:34:55.367 --> 00:34:56.667
YOU'LL REALLY...

1054
00:34:56.734 --> 00:34:58.567
STAY OUT OF THE... STAY OUT OF

1055
00:34:58.634 --> 00:35:00.067
THE BULLSHIT THAT GETS ON SOCIAL

1056
00:35:00.133 --> 00:35:01.310
MEDIA BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT PEOPLE

1057
00:35:01.334 --> 00:35:02.868
SEE.

1058
00:35:02.934 --> 00:35:04.367
BECAUSE, TRUST ME, THE AMERICAN

1059
00:35:04.434 --> 00:35:06.043
PEOPLE DON'T FOLLOW POLITICS
THAT CLOSELY.

1060
00:35:06.067 --> 00:35:06.767
THEY DON'T KNOW WHAT THE FUCK IS

1061
00:35:06.834 --> 00:35:08.000
GOING ON.

1062
00:35:08.067 --> 00:35:09.109
YOU'RE A SOPHISTICATED AUDIENCE.

1063
00:35:09.133 --> 00:35:11.000
YOU CAME TO THIS SHOW.

1064
00:35:11.067 --> 00:35:12.343
YOU COULD HAVE BEEN... YOU COULD

1065
00:35:12.367 --> 00:35:14.176
HAVE WATCHED FUCKING DOLPHINS OR
SOMETHING TONIGHT, BUT YOU CAME

1066
00:35:14.200 --> 00:35:17.133
HERE.

1067
00:35:17.200 --> 00:35:18.243
[LAUGHTER]
THAT'S NOT MOST PEOPLE.

1068
00:35:18.267 --> 00:35:19.367
MOST PEOPLE... THEY HAVE.

1069
00:35:19.434 --> 00:35:20.543
FIRST OF ALL, THEY HAVE NO IDEA

1070
00:35:20.567 --> 00:35:22.934
WHAT'S IN THE BUDGET.

1071
00:35:23.000 --> 00:35:25.100
YOU KNOW WHAT AMERICA SPENDS

1072
00:35:25.167 --> 00:35:25.834
MONEY ON?

1073
00:35:25.901 --> 00:35:27.076
I'LL TELL YOU WHAT AMERICA, OLD

1074
00:35:27.100 --> 00:35:28.210
PEOPLE AND AIRCRAFT CARRIERS,

1075
00:35:28.234 --> 00:35:29.868
THAT'S WHERE THE MONEY GOES.

1076
00:35:29.934 --> 00:35:30.567
NOW, I'M OKAY WITH THE OLD

1077
00:35:30.634 --> 00:35:33.434
PEOPLE.

1078
00:35:33.500 --> 00:35:35.234
FIRST OF ALL, THEY'RE OLD.

1079
00:35:35.300 --> 00:35:36.868
THEY PAID INTO IT.

1080
00:35:36.934 --> 00:35:37.701
AND THAT'S WHAT A CIVILIZED

1081
00:35:37.767 --> 00:35:39.300
NATION DOES.

1082
00:35:39.367 --> 00:35:40.376
THEY TAKE CARE OF THE ELDERLY

1083
00:35:40.400 --> 00:35:40.901
PEOPLE IN THEIR POPULATION.

1084
00:35:40.968 --> 00:35:45.601
[APPLAUSE]

1085
00:35:45.667 --> 00:35:49.267
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

1086
00:35:49.334 --> 00:35:50.133
AND ALSO, WE DON'T WANT THEM

1087
00:35:50.200 --> 00:35:54.300
LIVING WITH US.

1088
00:35:54.367 --> 00:35:54.567
[LAUGHTER]
THAT'S JUST... IT'S NOT PAT

1089
00:35:55.200 --> 00:35:55.767
OURSELVES ON THE BACK TOO MUCH

1090
00:35:55.834 --> 00:35:58.367
ON THAT ONE.

1091
00:35:58.434 --> 00:35:59.476
BUT... BUT HONESTLY, IF THEY

1092
00:35:59.500 --> 00:36:00.934
WOULD JUST STICK WITH THE

1093
00:36:01.000 --> 00:36:02.400
MEAT AND POTATOES STUFF AND OF

1094
00:36:02.467 --> 00:36:04.067
COURSE, THE OTHER ONE THAT COULD

1095
00:36:04.133 --> 00:36:06.200
GET DEMOCRATS EVERY ELECTION

1096
00:36:06.267 --> 00:36:11.934
JUST LEGALIZE POT NATIONALLY.

1097
00:36:12.000 --> 00:36:12.400
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

1098
00:36:12.467 --> 00:36:16.701
SUCH LOW LYING POLITICAL FRUITS.

1099
00:36:16.767 --> 00:36:18.534
BECAUSE POT, IT'S ONE OF THOSE

1100
00:36:18.601 --> 00:36:19.810
ISSUES LIKE GUNS, IT IS FOR THE

1101
00:36:19.834 --> 00:36:21.167
RIGHT.

1102
00:36:21.234 --> 00:36:22.276
YOU KNOW, IT JUST GETS A LOT OF

1103
00:36:22.300 --> 00:36:23.200
PEOPLE OUT ON THAT ONE ISSUE

1104
00:36:23.267 --> 00:36:25.067
BECAUSE IT'S PERSONAL.

1105
00:36:25.133 --> 00:36:26.276
IT'S NOT LIKE OTHER ISSUES WHERE

1106
00:36:26.300 --> 00:36:27.620
IT'S ABSTRACT POT, JUST LIKE
GUNS.

1107
00:36:27.868 --> 00:36:28.801
IT'S IN YOUR HOME.

1108
00:36:28.868 --> 00:36:30.567
YOU LIKE IT, YOU TOUCH IT, YOU

1109
00:36:30.634 --> 00:36:36.234
RUB IT AGAINST YOUR PENIS.

1110
00:36:36.300 --> 00:36:36.500
[LAUGHTER]
NO, NO, NO, NO.

1111
00:36:37.167 --> 00:36:39.234
I DIDN'T MEAN TO SAY IT.

1112
00:36:39.300 --> 00:36:43.834
I ALWAYS GO TOO FAR.

1113
00:36:43.901 --> 00:36:47.500
BUT REALLY, I MEAN, IF ONE SIDE

1114
00:36:47.567 --> 00:36:50.801
IN THIS COUNTRY HAS ALL THE GUNS

1115
00:36:50.868 --> 00:36:55.100
AND ONE SIDE HAS ALL THE POT,

1116
00:36:55.167 --> 00:36:56.534
YOU KNOW, LIBERALS, WHEN THE

1117
00:36:56.601 --> 00:36:58.000
CIVIL WAR COMES, YOU'RE GOING TO

1118
00:36:58.067 --> 00:37:00.000
GET YOUR ASS KICKED LIKE THE

1119
00:37:00.067 --> 00:37:05.200
WHITE KID AT A SPELLING BEE.

1120
00:37:05.267 --> 00:37:05.467
[LAUGHTER]

1121
00:37:05.534 --> 00:37:07.167
BUT THIS IS... THIS IS A BIG

1122
00:37:07.234 --> 00:37:09.634
COUNTRY, A VERY BIG COUNTRY WITH

1123
00:37:09.701 --> 00:37:10.877
LOTS OF PEOPLE WHO DON'T THINK

1124
00:37:10.901 --> 00:37:12.200
LIKE YOU, NO MATTER HOW YOU

1125
00:37:12.267 --> 00:37:14.100
THINK, AND YOU CAN'T OWN THEM

1126
00:37:14.167 --> 00:37:15.467
OR DESTROY THEM AND THEY'RE NOT

1127
00:37:15.534 --> 00:37:16.677
GOING TO SELF DEPORT NO MATTER

1128
00:37:16.701 --> 00:37:18.567
WHO WINS ELECTIONS.

1129
00:37:18.634 --> 00:37:20.033
WE HAVE TO FIND OUR WAY BACK

1130
00:37:20.100 --> 00:37:23.801
FROM NOT LOATHING EACH OTHER.

1131
00:37:23.868 --> 00:37:25.801
I MEAN, WE HAVE THE PHENOMENON

1132
00:37:25.868 --> 00:37:28.000
NOW OF POLITICAL DIVORCES.

1133
00:37:28.067 --> 00:37:29.868
PEOPLE GETTING DIVORCES OVER

1134
00:37:29.934 --> 00:37:32.467
THEIR POLITICS ARE DIFFERENT.

1135
00:37:32.534 --> 00:37:34.167
SOMETIMES BROTHERS AND SISTERS

1136
00:37:34.234 --> 00:37:36.200
STOP TALKING TO EACH OTHER,

1137
00:37:36.267 --> 00:37:37.510
WHICH MAKES IT VERY DIFFICULT TO

1138
00:37:37.534 --> 00:37:39.300
GET LAID IN THE PANHANDLE.

1139
00:37:39.367 --> 00:37:42.300
[LAUGHTER]

1140
00:37:42.367 --> 00:37:50.367
OH, I ALMOST GOT THROUGH THAT.

1141
00:37:50.734 --> 00:37:52.901
I KID.

1142
00:37:52.968 --> 00:37:55.634
I KID THE REDNECKS.

1143
00:37:55.701 --> 00:37:59.934
I... NO, SEE BAD ME.

1144
00:38:00.000 --> 00:38:01.334
MEA CULPA, I KNOW I REALLY I

1145
00:38:01.400 --> 00:38:02.033
HAVE BEEN LESS THAN RESPECTFUL

1146
00:38:02.100 --> 00:38:03.868
IN MY CAREER.

1147
00:38:03.934 --> 00:38:05.743
I HAVE USED WORDS LIKE "REDNECK"
AND "SHIT KICKER" AND "SNAKE

1148
00:38:05.767 --> 00:38:09.133
HANDLER" AND "MOUTH BREATHER,"

1149
00:38:09.200 --> 00:38:10.634
"FLAT EARTHER," "BIBLE THUMPER,"

1150
00:38:10.701 --> 00:38:13.868
"CIVIL WAR RE-ENACTOR,"

1151
00:38:13.934 --> 00:38:14.934
"RUBCRETE," AND "INBRED,"

1152
00:38:15.000 --> 00:38:17.434
"SLINGBLADE," "PAINT CHIP

1153
00:38:17.500 --> 00:38:18.543
EATER, " " TOOTHLESS SISTER

1154
00:38:18.567 --> 00:38:21.334
FUCKER, " AND " CHILDREN OF THE

1155
00:38:21.400 --> 00:38:23.000
CORN."

1156
00:38:23.067 --> 00:38:27.200
I HAVE, AND I FEEL TERRIBLE.

1157
00:38:27.267 --> 00:38:29.167
BUT YOU KNOW, IN MY DEFENSE,

1158
00:38:29.234 --> 00:38:30.834
IT'S SOMETIMES THEY MAKE IT VERY

1159
00:38:30.901 --> 00:38:31.267
HARD NOT TO DO THAT.

1160
00:38:31.334 --> 00:38:33.234
[LAUGHTER]

1161
00:38:33.300 --> 00:38:35.033
I WAS READING AN ARTICLE

1162
00:38:35.100 --> 00:38:36.834
RECENTLY ABOUT THE STATE OF

1163
00:38:36.901 --> 00:38:38.634
KENTUCKY IN 2019 OUTLAWED

1164
00:38:38.701 --> 00:38:40.601
BESTIALITY.

1165
00:38:40.667 --> 00:38:42.367
[LAUGHTER]

1166
00:38:42.434 --> 00:38:43.667
SWEAR TO GOD.

1167
00:38:43.734 --> 00:38:45.467
YES.

1168
00:38:45.534 --> 00:38:46.133
IN 2019, I SAY THEY DID THIS.

1169
00:38:46.200 --> 00:38:49.067
[LAUGHTER]

1170
00:38:49.133 --> 00:38:50.567
AND THAT WASN'T EVEN THE

1171
00:38:50.634 --> 00:38:52.234
SCARIEST PART OF THAT ARTICLE.

1172
00:38:52.300 --> 00:38:55.400
THAT WAS THE BEGINNING OF

1173
00:38:55.467 --> 00:38:56.476
PARAGRAPH THREE, WHICH SAID

1174
00:38:56.500 --> 00:38:57.267
OPPONENTS OF THE BILL.

1175
00:38:57.334 --> 00:39:01.234
[LAUGHTER]

1176
00:39:01.300 --> 00:39:03.300
OPPONENTS OF THE BILL.

1177
00:39:03.367 --> 00:39:07.267
PEOPLE WHO DIDN'T ROCK AND

1178
00:39:07.334 --> 00:39:08.443
MEDDLE IN FEDERAL GOVERNMENT

1179
00:39:08.467 --> 00:39:10.000
GETTING IN BETWEEN ME AND THE

1180
00:39:10.067 --> 00:39:12.267
CHICKEN I MIGHT FUCK.

1181
00:39:12.334 --> 00:39:15.300
I SAID, MIGHT, I DIDN'T.

1182
00:39:15.367 --> 00:39:16.567
AND THAT'S THE THING.

1183
00:39:16.634 --> 00:39:18.000
I DON'T REALLY THINK THAT THE

1184
00:39:18.067 --> 00:39:19.210
PEOPLE OF KENTUCKY ARE CHICKEN

1185
00:39:19.234 --> 00:39:21.767
FUCKERS, BUT THEY WANT THE

1186
00:39:21.834 --> 00:39:26.167
OPTION.

1187
00:39:26.234 --> 00:39:26.434
[LAUGHTER]
YOU KNOW, THAT'S THE THING.

1188
00:39:27.167 --> 00:39:28.527
THEY WANT THE OPTION OF MY
FREEDOM.

1189
00:39:28.567 --> 00:39:29.067
AMERICA, THEY LOVE THEIR

1190
00:39:29.133 --> 00:39:32.467
FREEDOM.

1191
00:39:32.534 --> 00:39:33.577
THAT'S WHAT FLORIDA HAS GOT

1192
00:39:33.601 --> 00:39:35.234
GOING FOR IT, RIGHT?

1193
00:39:35.300 --> 00:39:36.968
YOU FEEL IT'S A FREER FEELING

1194
00:39:37.033 --> 00:39:39.100
HERE, YOU KNOW, AND IT IS.

1195
00:39:39.167 --> 00:39:43.767
[LAUGHTER]

1196
00:39:43.834 --> 00:39:45.577
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
IT'S A LOT OF FUCKED UP SHIT

1197
00:39:45.601 --> 00:39:46.944
HERE TOO, BUT, YOU KNOW, IT'S
GREAT.

1198
00:39:46.968 --> 00:39:48.510
AND I KNOW A LOT OF YOU THINK
DESANTIS IS GOING TO BE THE

1199
00:39:48.534 --> 00:39:52.901
REPUBLICAN NOMINEE FOR PRES.

1200
00:39:52.968 --> 00:39:54.133
[BOOS]

1201
00:39:54.200 --> 00:39:55.634
BECAUSE TRUMP TREATS HIM LIKE A

1202
00:39:55.701 --> 00:39:57.667
SON.

1203
00:39:57.734 --> 00:39:59.400
BUT TRUST ME, IF HE RUNS AGAINST

1204
00:39:59.467 --> 00:40:01.334
TRUMP, TRUMP WILL TREAT HIM LIKE

1205
00:40:01.400 --> 00:40:02.100
A DAUGHTER AND TRY TO FUCK HIM,

1206
00:40:02.167 --> 00:40:07.400
REALLY.

1207
00:40:07.467 --> 00:40:08.000
[LAUGHTER]

1208
00:40:08.067 --> 00:40:09.334
[APPLAUSE]

1209
00:40:09.400 --> 00:40:10.667
OH, GENTLE, GOOD HUMOR.

1210
00:40:10.734 --> 00:40:13.033
THAT'S ALL WE DO HERE.

1211
00:40:13.100 --> 00:40:13.968
LOOK, I HAVE NEVER BEEN ONE OF

1212
00:40:14.033 --> 00:40:15.033
THOSE.

1213
00:40:15.100 --> 00:40:16.334
I MUST TELL YOU ONE OF

1214
00:40:16.400 --> 00:40:17.880
THOSE.
THIS IS THE GREATEST COUNTRY IN

1215
00:40:18.133 --> 00:40:19.133
THE WORLD, PEOPLE.
IS IT?

1216
00:40:19.234 --> 00:40:20.601
I DON'T KNOW.

1217
00:40:20.667 --> 00:40:22.234
I HAVEN'T LIVED EVERYWHERE ELSE.

1218
00:40:22.300 --> 00:40:22.567
MAYBE IT IS.

1219
00:40:22.634 --> 00:40:23.801
MAYBE IT ISN'T.

1220
00:40:23.868 --> 00:40:25.868
IT'S THE GREATEST ONE FOR ME.

1221
00:40:25.934 --> 00:40:27.009
SHOULDN'T THAT BE ENOUGH?
IT'S SO CHILDISH.

1222
00:40:27.033 --> 00:40:29.601
I LIVE IN THE GREATEST COUNTRY.

1223
00:40:29.667 --> 00:40:30.968
I WAS THINKING THAT, LIKE NOW,

1224
00:40:31.033 --> 00:40:32.534
LIKE WHEN I'M ON THE ROAD

1225
00:40:32.601 --> 00:40:33.834
BECAUSE I'M IN A HOTEL AND I

1226
00:40:33.901 --> 00:40:35.076
WANT FRESH AIR AND I CAN NEVER

1227
00:40:35.100 --> 00:40:38.067
GET IT BECAUSE THE WINDOWS DON'T

1228
00:40:38.133 --> 00:40:39.334
OPEN, BECAUSE WE LIVE IN THE

1229
00:40:39.400 --> 00:40:40.801
GREATEST COUNTRY IN THE WORLD.

1230
00:40:40.868 --> 00:40:42.167
BUT IF WE DON'T SEAL THE WINDOW

1231
00:40:42.234 --> 00:40:46.801
SHUT, THE PEOPLE WILL JUMP OUT.

1232
00:40:46.868 --> 00:40:47.067
[LAUGHTER]

1233
00:40:47.133 --> 00:40:48.868
SO, THAT'S WHERE WE ARE, GREAT

1234
00:40:48.934 --> 00:40:50.400
LANDIA, YEAH.

1235
00:40:50.467 --> 00:40:54.567
[APPLAUSE]

1236
00:40:54.634 --> 00:40:56.343
YEAH, I MEAN...
JOE HAS NOT EXACTLY STUCK THE

1237
00:40:56.367 --> 00:40:58.067
LANDING ON EVERYTHING.

1238
00:40:58.133 --> 00:40:59.133
BUT YOU KNOW WHAT?

1239
00:40:59.200 --> 00:41:00.801
IF IT WASN'T FOR HIM, TRUMP

1240
00:41:00.868 --> 00:41:02.734
WOULD BE PRESIDENT.

1241
00:41:02.801 --> 00:41:03.910
SO I DON'T CARE IF HE FARTS IN

1242
00:41:03.934 --> 00:41:04.534
FRONT OF THE QUEEN.

1243
00:41:04.601 --> 00:41:07.500
[APPLAUSE]

1244
00:41:07.567 --> 00:41:08.734
OR DOZES OFF AT A CLIMATE

1245
00:41:08.801 --> 00:41:11.234
CONFERENCE.

1246
00:41:11.300 --> 00:41:12.743
YES, THERE'S GOING TO BE SOME
SENIOR MOMENTS.

1247
00:41:12.767 --> 00:41:14.167
JUST GET OVER IT.

1248
00:41:14.234 --> 00:41:15.500
YOU KNOW, HE'S... HE'S GOING TO

1249
00:41:15.567 --> 00:41:17.067
SHOW UP SOMEWHERE WITHOUT PANTS

1250
00:41:17.133 --> 00:41:18.968
ON AT SOME POINT OR DRIVE THE

1251
00:41:19.033 --> 00:41:20.534
MOTORCADE THROUGH A FARMER'S

1252
00:41:20.601 --> 00:41:21.000
MARKET.

1253
00:41:21.067 --> 00:41:22.534
I DON'T KNOW.

1254
00:41:22.601 --> 00:41:28.234
[LAUGHTER]

1255
00:41:28.300 --> 00:41:29.500
YOU KNOW, YOU ONLY GET TWO

1256
00:41:29.567 --> 00:41:31.601
CHOICES IN THIS COUNTRY.

1257
00:41:31.667 --> 00:41:34.100
AND, YOU KNOW, WE WOULDN'T EVEN

1258
00:41:34.167 --> 00:41:35.567
HAVE HIM IF THE AFRICAN

1259
00:41:35.634 --> 00:41:37.434
AMERICAN COMMUNITY IN SOUTH

1260
00:41:37.500 --> 00:41:39.567
CAROLINA HADN'T SAVED THE ASS OF

1261
00:41:39.634 --> 00:41:40.810
THE DEMOCRATS AND MADE SURE THAT

1262
00:41:40.834 --> 00:41:43.067
HE GOT THE NOMINATION.

1263
00:41:43.133 --> 00:41:46.167
[APPLAUSE]

1264
00:41:46.234 --> 00:41:47.667
YOU KNOW.

1265
00:41:47.734 --> 00:41:49.300
BIDEN'S CAMPAIGN, THE WHOLE

1266
00:41:49.367 --> 00:41:50.567
THING ALMOST DIDN'T HAPPEN

1267
00:41:50.634 --> 00:41:51.567
BECAUSE THE SECOND HE ANNOUNCED,

1268
00:41:51.634 --> 00:41:53.901
DO YOU REMEMBER THIS, A WOMAN

1269
00:41:53.968 --> 00:41:55.234
CAME FORWARD, HAD TO TELL US A

1270
00:41:55.300 --> 00:41:56.167
STORY ABOUT THE TIME HE KISSED

1271
00:41:56.234 --> 00:41:58.234
THE BACK OF HER HEAD.

1272
00:41:58.300 --> 00:41:59.567
KISSED THE BACK OF HER HEAD?

1273
00:41:59.634 --> 00:42:00.767
YES.

1274
00:42:00.834 --> 00:42:04.801
THAT WELL-KNOWN EROGENOUS ZONE.

1275
00:42:04.868 --> 00:42:05.067
[LAUGHTER]

1276
00:42:05.133 --> 00:42:06.176
I TELL YOU, WHENEVER I'M FEELING

1277
00:42:06.200 --> 00:42:06.834
REALLY FREAKY, I GO RIGHT FOR

1278
00:42:06.901 --> 00:42:10.067
THE BACK OF THE HEAD.

1279
00:42:10.133 --> 00:42:10.901
SOME GUYS LIKE THEIR BALLS

1280
00:42:10.968 --> 00:42:12.133
TICKLED.

1281
00:42:12.200 --> 00:42:13.834
SOME GUYS LIKE THE ASS.

1282
00:42:13.901 --> 00:42:14.910
NO, I'M THE BACK OF THE HEAD.

1283
00:42:14.934 --> 00:42:15.634
JUST GIVE ME THE BACK OF THE

1284
00:42:15.701 --> 00:42:16.934
HEAD.

1285
00:42:17.000 --> 00:42:19.100
[LAUGHTER]

1286
00:42:19.167 --> 00:42:20.543
I MEAN, REALLY, DO YOU REMEMBER
THIS?

1287
00:42:20.567 --> 00:42:21.067
WE HAD TO LIVE THROUGH THIS

1288
00:42:21.133 --> 00:42:22.834
WHOLE SCANDAL.

1289
00:42:22.901 --> 00:42:23.601
YOU KNOW WHAT HAPPENED?

1290
00:42:23.667 --> 00:42:24.667
IT WAS A FUNDRAISER.

1291
00:42:24.734 --> 00:42:26.267
HE WAS THE VICE PRESIDENT.

1292
00:42:26.334 --> 00:42:28.267
HE SHOWED UP TO HELP SOMEBODY.

1293
00:42:28.334 --> 00:42:30.901
THE WOMAN WHO WAS INTRODUCING

1294
00:42:30.968 --> 00:42:31.667
HIM, HE WAS JUST TRYING TO SHOW

1295
00:42:31.734 --> 00:42:33.767
SOME SUPPORT.

1296
00:42:33.834 --> 00:42:38.300
SMELL THE BENGAY.

1297
00:42:38.367 --> 00:42:38.567
[LAUGHTER]
IT'S JUST... SHE WAS ABOUT TO...

1298
00:42:39.300 --> 00:42:39.834
SHE WAS WAITING IN THE WINGS,

1299
00:42:39.901 --> 00:42:42.167
AND HE CAME UP BEHIND HER.

1300
00:42:42.234 --> 00:42:44.667
"YOU'RE GOING TO DO GREAT,

1301
00:42:44.734 --> 00:42:45.734
HONEY."
[LAUGHTER]

1302
00:42:45.801 --> 00:42:47.901
THAT'S IT.

1303
00:42:47.968 --> 00:42:49.367
I MEAN... HERE, LET ME RECITE TO

1304
00:42:49.434 --> 00:42:51.067
YOU, THESE ARE HER EXACT WORDS

1305
00:42:51.133 --> 00:42:52.143
BECAUSE SHE WROTE A BLOG ABOUT

1306
00:42:52.167 --> 00:42:54.434
IT FIVE YEARS LATER.

1307
00:42:54.500 --> 00:42:55.734
SHE SAID, "I FELT TWO HANDS ON

1308
00:42:55.801 --> 00:42:59.500
MY SHOULDERS AND FROZE."

1309
00:42:59.567 --> 00:43:00.234
OKAY, YOU'RE AUTISTIC THEN,

1310
00:43:00.300 --> 00:43:01.400
THAT'S ALL LIKE...

1311
00:43:01.467 --> 00:43:02.901
[LAUGHTER]

1312
00:43:02.968 --> 00:43:06.634
THAT'S AN AUTISTIC PERSON.

1313
00:43:06.701 --> 00:43:07.334
WHY IS THE VICE PRESIDENT

1314
00:43:07.400 --> 00:43:09.434
TOUCHING ME?

1315
00:43:09.500 --> 00:43:10.634
I DON'T KNOW.

1316
00:43:10.701 --> 00:43:11.834
BECAUSE HE'S HUMAN.

1317
00:43:11.901 --> 00:43:13.834
SOMETIMES HUMANS DO THAT.

1318
00:43:13.901 --> 00:43:15.109
I DON'T THINK WE NEED TO RUN AND

1319
00:43:15.133 --> 00:43:15.934
GET THE RAPE KIT JUST YET, YOU

1320
00:43:16.000 --> 00:43:17.234
KNOW?

1321
00:43:17.300 --> 00:43:23.934
[APPLAUSE]

1322
00:43:24.000 --> 00:43:26.033
HE KISSED THE BACK OF MY HEAD.

1323
00:43:26.100 --> 00:43:27.334
MY BRAIN COULDN'T PROCESS WHAT

1324
00:43:27.400 --> 00:43:28.734
WAS HAPPENING.

1325
00:43:28.801 --> 00:43:30.133
[LAUGHTER]

1326
00:43:30.200 --> 00:43:32.367
REALLY?

1327
00:43:32.434 --> 00:43:33.000
YOU COULDN'T.

1328
00:43:33.067 --> 00:43:34.076
YOUR BRAIN COULDN'T PROCESS

1329
00:43:34.100 --> 00:43:34.934
THAT, LIKE STRING THEORY OR

1330
00:43:35.000 --> 00:43:38.000
WORMHOLES.

1331
00:43:38.067 --> 00:43:38.767
I WAS EMBARRASSED, SHOCKED,

1332
00:43:38.834 --> 00:43:40.767
CONFUSED.

1333
00:43:40.834 --> 00:43:42.367
OKAY, THEN THE OUTSIDE WORLD IS

1334
00:43:42.434 --> 00:43:47.133
NOT FOR YOU.

1335
00:43:47.200 --> 00:43:48.443
[LAUGHTER]
THAT'S... I'M NOT... I'M NOT
TRYING TO BE MEAN.

1336
00:43:48.467 --> 00:43:49.067
DON'T GET IT TWISTED.

1337
00:43:49.133 --> 00:43:50.176
THIS IS NOT A CRITIQUE OF WOMEN.

1338
00:43:50.200 --> 00:43:51.743
THIS IS A DEFENSE.
BECAUSE I DON'T THINK MOST WOMEN

1339
00:43:51.767 --> 00:43:53.033
ARE LIKE THIS.

1340
00:43:53.100 --> 00:43:54.777
I DON'T THINK THIS IS THE
REPUTATION THEY WANT OR DESERVE.

1341
00:43:54.801 --> 00:43:58.133
YOU KNOW.

1342
00:43:58.200 --> 00:44:00.100
[APPLAUSE]

1343
00:44:00.167 --> 00:44:02.667
I THINK THEY'RE MADE OF STERNER

1344
00:44:02.734 --> 00:44:02.868
STUFF.
BERNIE SANDERS HAD THE EXACT

1345
00:44:03.634 --> 00:44:04.968
SAME THING HAPPEN TO HIM.

1346
00:44:05.033 --> 00:44:06.334
AS SOON AS HE ANNOUNCED, HIS

1347
00:44:06.400 --> 00:44:08.167
CAMPAIGN WAS ALMOST DERAILED

1348
00:44:08.234 --> 00:44:10.500
BECAUSE A WOMAN CAME FORWARD TO

1349
00:44:10.567 --> 00:44:12.267
TALK ABOUT THE TIME ON THE

1350
00:44:12.334 --> 00:44:14.968
CAMPAIGN WHEN SHE WAS ASKED TO

1351
00:44:15.033 --> 00:44:17.200
SPEND A NIGHT ONCE WITH THREE

1352
00:44:17.267 --> 00:44:19.901
MALE MEMBERS OF THE CAMPAIGN.

1353
00:44:19.968 --> 00:44:21.534
OKAY, IT'S A CAMPAIGN.

1354
00:44:21.601 --> 00:44:22.701
IT'S A REVOLUTION.

1355
00:44:22.767 --> 00:44:24.133
IT'S A SHOESTRING BUDGET.

1356
00:44:24.200 --> 00:44:25.360
NOT EVERYBODY GETS A SUITE AT

1357
00:44:25.400 --> 00:44:28.434
THE RITZ.

1358
00:44:28.500 --> 00:44:29.100
THIS IS WHAT SHE SAID, LITERALLY

1359
00:44:29.167 --> 00:44:30.601
WORD FOR WORD.

1360
00:44:30.667 --> 00:44:33.601
SHE SAID, I WAS SHAKING WITH

1361
00:44:33.667 --> 00:44:34.801
FEAR, LITERALLY.

1362
00:44:34.868 --> 00:44:36.009
I REMEMBER THINKING TO MYSELF,

1363
00:44:36.033 --> 00:44:39.000
WHAT AM I GOING TO DO?

1364
00:44:39.067 --> 00:44:40.634
GO TO SLEEP.

1365
00:44:40.701 --> 00:44:42.901
[LAUGHTER]

1366
00:44:42.968 --> 00:44:45.601
LITERALLY GO TO SLEEP.

1367
00:44:45.667 --> 00:44:49.601
I MEAN, THERE ARE THREE NERDS ON

1368
00:44:49.667 --> 00:44:50.300
THE BERNIE SANDERS CAMPAIGN.

1369
00:44:50.367 --> 00:44:53.267
THEY'RE NOT ESCAPED CONVICTS.

1370
00:44:53.334 --> 00:44:54.543
IF YOU CAME OUT OF THE BATHROOM

1371
00:44:54.567 --> 00:44:56.043
WITH JUST A BRA AND PANTIES ON,
THEY'D PROBABLY SHIT THEIR

1372
00:44:56.067 --> 00:44:57.200
PANTS.

1373
00:44:57.267 --> 00:45:01.534
[LAUGHTER]

1374
00:45:01.601 --> 00:45:02.300
I MEAN, WHO RAISED THESE

1375
00:45:02.367 --> 00:45:04.167
JELLYFISH?

1376
00:45:04.234 --> 00:45:05.343
THIS CANNOT BE THE IMAGE WOMEN

1377
00:45:05.367 --> 00:45:07.934
WANT OR DESERVE.

1378
00:45:08.000 --> 00:45:08.500
YOU KNOW, I MEAN, YES, IT'S

1379
00:45:08.567 --> 00:45:09.567
GREAT.

1380
00:45:09.601 --> 00:45:11.367
WE HAD A RECKONING, BUT SOME

1381
00:45:11.434 --> 00:45:13.167
STUFF WOMEN, I'M SURE, AND I

1382
00:45:13.234 --> 00:45:14.067
KNOW MOST WOMEN CAN'T JUST

1383
00:45:14.133 --> 00:45:15.434
HANDLE YOURSELF.

1384
00:45:15.500 --> 00:45:17.267
IF AN OLD MAN COMES UP BEHIND

1385
00:45:17.334 --> 00:45:18.133
YOU, INSTEAD OF WAITING FIVE

1386
00:45:18.200 --> 00:45:21.334
YEARS AND WRITING A BLOG,

1387
00:45:21.400 --> 00:45:23.033
HOW ABOUT JUST TURNING AROUND?

1388
00:45:23.100 --> 00:45:24.567
"EXCUSE ME, MR. VICE PRESIDENT,

1389
00:45:24.634 --> 00:45:25.467
I'M SORRY, I HAVE TO MAKE A

1390
00:45:25.534 --> 00:45:27.100
SPEECH.

1391
00:45:27.167 --> 00:45:27.968
I'M GETTING MY HEAD TOGETHER.

1392
00:45:28.033 --> 00:45:29.210
YOU CAN KISS THE BACK OF MY HEAD

1393
00:45:29.234 --> 00:45:30.234
LATER, YOU KNOW?"

1394
00:45:30.267 --> 00:45:34.634
[LAUGHTER]

1395
00:45:34.701 --> 00:45:35.100
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

1396
00:45:35.167 --> 00:45:38.133
RIGHT.

1397
00:45:38.200 --> 00:45:39.276
I MEAN, WHAT WAS HE GOING TO
INSIST?

1398
00:45:39.300 --> 00:45:42.667
NO, BITCH.

1399
00:45:42.734 --> 00:45:43.910
THEY'RE GETTING BACK AT THE BACK

1400
00:45:43.934 --> 00:45:45.367
BACK OF THE HEAD KISS,

1401
00:45:45.434 --> 00:45:47.033
WHETHER YOU LIKE IT OR NOT.

1402
00:45:47.100 --> 00:45:48.700
THEY'RE GOING TO TAKE IT.
TAKE ALL OF IT.

1403
00:45:48.734 --> 00:45:49.400
I KNOW YOU LOVE IT.

1404
00:45:49.467 --> 00:45:51.534
[LAUGHTER]

1405
00:45:51.601 --> 00:45:56.200
IT'S RIDICULOUS.

1406
00:45:56.267 --> 00:45:58.801
AND ALSO THE SALIENT POINT ABOUT

1407
00:45:58.868 --> 00:46:01.567
THIS SCANDAL IS THAT JOE BIDEN

1408
00:46:01.634 --> 00:46:03.267
WAS NOT TRYING TO GET LAID,

1409
00:46:03.334 --> 00:46:05.834
DOING THIS, RIGHT?

1410
00:46:05.901 --> 00:46:08.667
ANDREW CUOMO WAS TRYING TO GET

1411
00:46:08.734 --> 00:46:11.100
LAID, BADLY, BY THE WAY.

1412
00:46:11.167 --> 00:46:14.367
I MEAN, ONE OF HIS BIG PLOYS WAS

1413
00:46:14.434 --> 00:46:15.734
HE WOULD HAVE HIS PRETTY

1414
00:46:15.801 --> 00:46:16.968
ASSISTANTS COME UP TO THE

1415
00:46:17.033 --> 00:46:18.400
GOVERNOR'S MANSION AT NIGHT TO

1416
00:46:18.467 --> 00:46:19.767
SHOW HIM HOW TO DO SOMETHING ON

1417
00:46:19.834 --> 00:46:21.300
HIS PHONE.

1418
00:46:21.367 --> 00:46:22.567
YEAH, YEAH.

1419
00:46:22.634 --> 00:46:23.968
BECAUSE THERE'S NOTHING HOTTER

1420
00:46:24.033 --> 00:46:25.567
THAN AN OLD GUY WHO CAN'T WORK

1421
00:46:25.634 --> 00:46:26.567
HIS PHONE.

1422
00:46:26.634 --> 00:46:29.467
[LAUGHTER]

1423
00:46:29.534 --> 00:46:30.367
THAT IS KRYPTONITE FOR THE

1424
00:46:30.434 --> 00:46:35.334
PUSSY.

1425
00:46:35.400 --> 00:46:35.601
[LAUGHTER]
LET ME TELL YOU, JUST THE

1426
00:46:36.234 --> 00:46:37.844
PANTIES ARE WET BEFORE THEY GET
OUT OF THE CAR JUST THINKING

1427
00:46:37.868 --> 00:46:38.467
ABOUT THAT.

1428
00:46:38.534 --> 00:46:42.434
[LAUGHTER]

1429
00:46:42.500 --> 00:46:43.700
MAN, WE HAVE GOT TO TEACH GAME

1430
00:46:43.734 --> 00:46:48.200
IN AMERICA.

1431
00:46:48.267 --> 00:46:48.467
[LAUGHTER]

1432
00:46:48.534 --> 00:46:51.200
I MEAN, SERIOUSLY.

1433
00:46:51.267 --> 00:46:53.801
I MEAN, ASIDE FROM THE HORRORS

1434
00:46:53.868 --> 00:46:55.601
THAT WOMEN ARE PUT THROUGH, I'M

1435
00:46:55.667 --> 00:46:56.601
ALWAYS THINKING, WHAT MAN THINKS

1436
00:46:56.667 --> 00:47:03.767
THIS SHIT IS GOING TO WORK?

1437
00:47:03.834 --> 00:47:05.376
ONE OF THE FIRST #MeToo
CASUALTIES, WELL DESERVED, I

1438
00:47:05.400 --> 00:47:07.033
MIGHT ADD, WAS THIS JOURNALIST,

1439
00:47:07.100 --> 00:47:08.801
MARK HALPERIN, REMEMBER HIM AND

1440
00:47:08.868 --> 00:47:09.988
YOU KNOW HIS M.O. AS ALWAYS,

1441
00:47:10.033 --> 00:47:11.313
WITH THESE CASES, YOU KNOW, LIKE

1442
00:47:11.367 --> 00:47:12.300
MANY WOMEN COME FORWARD, IT'S

1443
00:47:12.367 --> 00:47:13.487
ALWAYS THE SAME STORY IN THE

1444
00:47:13.534 --> 00:47:15.467
SAME THING.

1445
00:47:15.534 --> 00:47:17.567
A GUY HAS A THING, AND HIS WAS

1446
00:47:17.634 --> 00:47:19.767
TO LIKE, AT THE OFFICE, CORNER

1447
00:47:19.834 --> 00:47:20.767
YOU SOMEWHERE AND JUST RUB HIS

1448
00:47:20.834 --> 00:47:25.701
BONER AGAINST YOU.

1449
00:47:25.767 --> 00:47:25.968
[LAUGHTER]
WHEN HAS THIS EVER WORKED IS MY

1450
00:47:26.667 --> 00:47:29.634
QUESTION?

1451
00:47:29.701 --> 00:47:29.901
[LAUGHTER]

1452
00:47:29.968 --> 00:47:31.567
HAS THERE EVER BEEN A WOMAN WHO

1453
00:47:31.634 --> 00:47:33.200
WAS LIKE, YOU KNOW, I WASN'T

1454
00:47:33.267 --> 00:47:35.200
EVER REALLY THAT INTO BOB.

1455
00:47:35.267 --> 00:47:38.000
[LAUGHTER]

1456
00:47:38.067 --> 00:47:40.100
BUT THEN HE DID THAT THING THAT

1457
00:47:40.167 --> 00:47:42.667
DOGS DO TO THROW PILLOWS, AND I

1458
00:47:42.734 --> 00:47:44.167
JUST MELTED.

1459
00:47:44.234 --> 00:47:49.767
[APPLAUSE]

1460
00:47:49.834 --> 00:47:51.901
NO, WE HAVE GOT TO TEACH GAME IN

1461
00:47:51.968 --> 00:47:54.033
THIS COUNTRY BECAUSE ANY TIME...

1462
00:47:54.100 --> 00:47:57.934
ANY TIME MEN CAN'T GET WOMEN,

1463
00:47:58.000 --> 00:48:01.434
PRIESTS, TALIBAN, INCELS IN THIS

1464
00:48:01.500 --> 00:48:02.267
COUNTRY, YOU KNOW WHAT INCELS

1465
00:48:02.334 --> 00:48:04.000
ARE?

1466
00:48:04.067 --> 00:48:05.701
YEAH, IT'S A WHOLE MOVEMENT.

1467
00:48:05.767 --> 00:48:06.567
IT STANDS FOR INVOLUNTARILY

1468
00:48:06.634 --> 00:48:10.701
CELIBATE.

1469
00:48:10.767 --> 00:48:12.276
YEAH, I USED TO BE AN INCEL.
WE JUST DIDN'T HAVE A NAME FOR

1470
00:48:12.300 --> 00:48:15.300
IT.

1471
00:48:15.367 --> 00:48:15.567
[LAUGHTER]
I DIDN'T WANT TO FUCKING TALK

1472
00:48:16.234 --> 00:48:16.667
ABOUT IT WITH THAT.

1473
00:48:16.734 --> 00:48:18.009
THE LAST THING I WANTED TO DO IS

1474
00:48:18.033 --> 00:48:19.267
JOIN A GROUP OF OTHER FUCKING

1475
00:48:19.334 --> 00:48:22.100
LOSERS WHO COULDN'T GET LAID.

1476
00:48:22.167 --> 00:48:23.601
I WAS TRYING TO MAKE FRIENDS

1477
00:48:23.667 --> 00:48:25.100
WITH GUYS WHO COULD GET LAID,

1478
00:48:25.167 --> 00:48:26.167
MAYBE GET A LEFTOVER OR

1479
00:48:26.234 --> 00:48:26.868
SOMETHING, YOU KNOW?

1480
00:48:26.934 --> 00:48:34.801
[LAUGHTER]

1481
00:48:34.868 --> 00:48:36.210
THAT... THAT WAS NOT MY
STRATEGY WHEN I COULDN'T GET

1482
00:48:36.234 --> 00:48:36.567
LAID.
MY STRATEGY WAS TO MASTURBATE

1483
00:48:37.234 --> 00:48:41.267
AND PLOT.

1484
00:48:41.334 --> 00:48:41.534
[LAUGHTER]
THAT WAS MY STRATEGY,

1485
00:48:42.100 --> 00:48:43.200
MASTURBATING AND PLOTTING.

1486
00:48:43.267 --> 00:48:44.601
AND I CAME UP WITH THIS.

1487
00:48:44.667 --> 00:48:47.801
NO.

1488
00:48:47.868 --> 00:48:49.467
[APPLAUSE]

1489
00:48:49.534 --> 00:48:50.844
NO, NO, NO, NO, I DO THIS FOR
THE LOVE OF COMEDY, LADIES AND

1490
00:48:50.868 --> 00:48:58.467
GENTLEMEN, COMEDY.

1491
00:48:58.534 --> 00:48:59.234
BUT YOU DO REALIZE THAT ALL THE

1492
00:48:59.300 --> 00:49:00.567
#MeToo STUFF IS WEAPONIZED

1493
00:49:00.634 --> 00:49:02.234
AGAINST ONE SIDE.

1494
00:49:02.300 --> 00:49:03.033
YOU KNOW, BECAUSE THE

1495
00:49:03.100 --> 00:49:05.868
REPUBLICANS DON'T CARE.

1496
00:49:05.934 --> 00:49:07.214
LOOK AT ALL THE MANY, MANY, MANY

1497
00:49:07.267 --> 00:49:08.100
DOZENS OF WOMEN TRUMP ABUSED.

1498
00:49:08.167 --> 00:49:09.767
THEY NEVER CARED.

1499
00:49:09.834 --> 00:49:10.601
THE HOLLYWOOD ACCESS TAPE.

1500
00:49:10.667 --> 00:49:11.868
THEY DIDN'T CARE.

1501
00:49:11.934 --> 00:49:13.400
THEY RAN A FUCKING CHILD

1502
00:49:13.467 --> 00:49:14.567
MOLESTER IN ALABAMA.

1503
00:49:14.634 --> 00:49:16.300
THEY DON'T CARE.

1504
00:49:16.367 --> 00:49:17.447
DEMOCRATS, WE GOT RID OF AL

1505
00:49:17.500 --> 00:49:19.500
FRANKEN, RIGHT?

1506
00:49:19.567 --> 00:49:20.734
BILL CLINTON, NOT ALLOWED TO

1507
00:49:20.801 --> 00:49:22.834
MAKE A SPEECH ANYMORE.

1508
00:49:22.901 --> 00:49:24.300
ELIOT SPITZER, I THOUGHT, WAS A

1509
00:49:24.367 --> 00:49:25.367
REALLY GOOD PROGRESSIVE

1510
00:49:25.400 --> 00:49:26.701
GOVERNOR OF NEW YORK.

1511
00:49:26.767 --> 00:49:27.500
HE HAD TO GO AWAY BECAUSE HE HAD

1512
00:49:27.567 --> 00:49:29.400
A HOOKER SCANDAL.

1513
00:49:29.467 --> 00:49:30.968
AND, YOU KNOW, WHEN A POLITICIAN

1514
00:49:31.033 --> 00:49:32.834
GETS BLOWN BY A HOOKER, IT TAKES

1515
00:49:32.901 --> 00:49:34.181
A JOB AWAY FROM A LOBBYIST.
SO...

1516
00:49:34.500 --> 00:49:40.300
[LAUGHTER]

1517
00:49:40.367 --> 00:49:42.534
THAT CANNOT HAPPEN.

1518
00:49:42.601 --> 00:49:43.968
BUT REALLY, YOU LOOK AT THE

1519
00:49:44.033 --> 00:49:46.167
#MeToo CASES, IT'S ALWAYS A LOT

1520
00:49:46.234 --> 00:49:47.634
OF LEFT STUFF.

1521
00:49:47.701 --> 00:49:51.934
YOU KNOW, A LOT OF BALLET,

1522
00:49:52.000 --> 00:49:53.109
PEOPLE GOTTEN CONDUCTORS, YOU

1523
00:49:53.133 --> 00:49:55.200
KNOW, OPERA.

1524
00:49:55.267 --> 00:49:56.868
I'M ALWAYS LIKE, REALLY?

1525
00:49:56.934 --> 00:49:58.534
MEATPACKING HAS A PERFECT

1526
00:49:58.601 --> 00:50:03.367
RECORD, YOU KNOW, NOTHING EVER

1527
00:50:03.434 --> 00:50:08.701
HAPPENED AT A TRUCK STOP?

1528
00:50:08.767 --> 00:50:09.067
[LAUGHS]
FRACKING IS FILLED WITH NOTHING

1529
00:50:09.767 --> 00:50:10.334
BUT PERFECT FEMINISTS.

1530
00:50:10.400 --> 00:50:11.868
I MEAN.

1531
00:50:11.934 --> 00:50:14.868
NPR FIRED EIGHT PEOPLE.

1532
00:50:14.934 --> 00:50:17.167
NPR IS THE SEED OF PREDATION IN

1533
00:50:17.234 --> 00:50:18.443
AMERICA?
ONE OF THEM WAS GARRISON

1534
00:50:18.467 --> 00:50:19.734
KEILLOR.

1535
00:50:19.801 --> 00:50:24.968
YOU KNOW GARRISON KEILLOR.

1536
00:50:25.033 --> 00:50:26.210
NO, I HAVE NO DOG IN THIS
FIGHT.

1537
00:50:26.234 --> 00:50:27.710
HE'D NEVER BEEN ON MY SHOW.
I'VE NEVER HEARD HIS SHOW

1538
00:50:27.734 --> 00:50:28.500
BECAUSE I DON'T OWN A CANDLE

1539
00:50:28.567 --> 00:50:32.868
SHOP IN VERMONT.

1540
00:50:32.934 --> 00:50:34.574
[LAUGHTER]
WHAT'S ALWAYS STRUCK ME AS SOME

1541
00:50:34.934 --> 00:50:36.300
CORNY SHIT, BUT I GOT IT THAT HE

1542
00:50:36.367 --> 00:50:38.200
WAS, LIKE, ICONIC BECAUSE THEY

1543
00:50:38.267 --> 00:50:40.133
NOT ONLY FIRED HIM, THEY

1544
00:50:40.200 --> 00:50:42.133
SCRUBBED THE ARCHIVES, COULDN'T

1545
00:50:42.200 --> 00:50:44.567
EVEN HEAR HIS OLD SHIT.

1546
00:50:44.634 --> 00:50:45.234
I'M LIKE, WHAT DID THIS

1547
00:50:45.300 --> 00:50:49.667
MOTHERFUCKER DO?

1548
00:50:49.734 --> 00:50:49.934
[LAUGHTER]
I'M READING THE STORY, AND IT'S

1549
00:50:50.701 --> 00:50:51.334
VERY, YOU KNOW, AND HE WAS

1550
00:50:51.400 --> 00:50:52.901
BULLYING AROUND THE OFFICE.

1551
00:50:52.968 --> 00:50:54.534
WELL, THAT'S VAGUE, YOU KNOW.

1552
00:50:54.601 --> 00:50:55.767
AND REMEMBER, AND ON ONE

1553
00:50:55.834 --> 00:50:56.910
OCCASION, I THOUGHT, OKAY, HERE

1554
00:50:56.934 --> 00:50:59.701
IT IS.

1555
00:50:59.767 --> 00:51:01.467
AND ON ONE OCCASION THAT THE

1556
00:51:01.534 --> 00:51:02.734
DICK CAME OUT AT THE CHRISTMAS

1557
00:51:02.801 --> 00:51:03.667
PARTY OR WHATEVER.

1558
00:51:03.734 --> 00:51:05.767
[LAUGHTER]

1559
00:51:05.834 --> 00:51:07.300
NO.

1560
00:51:07.367 --> 00:51:09.367
AND ON ONE OCCASION, HE POSTED

1561
00:51:09.434 --> 00:51:11.300
AN OFF COLOR LIMERICK ON THE

1562
00:51:11.367 --> 00:51:13.901
DOORWAY OF HIS BOOKSHOP.

1563
00:51:13.968 --> 00:51:14.901
REALLY?

1564
00:51:14.968 --> 00:51:18.234
WE'RE GETTING PEOPLE FOR

1565
00:51:18.300 --> 00:51:19.300
LIMERICKS NOW?
[LAUGHTER]

1566
00:51:19.367 --> 00:51:21.067
SEE, THIS IS THE PROBLEM WHEN

1567
00:51:21.133 --> 00:51:22.601
YOU START LUMPING... NO LUMPING

1568
00:51:22.667 --> 00:51:24.400
THE REALLY BAD PEOPLE WITH LIKE

1569
00:51:24.467 --> 00:51:26.567
SOME PEOPLE JUST HAD A BAD DATE.

1570
00:51:26.634 --> 00:51:32.801
AZIZ ANSARI HAD TO GO TO JAIL

1571
00:51:32.868 --> 00:51:34.577
WOKE JAIL FOR TWO YEARS.
HE JUST HAD A BAD DATE.

1572
00:51:34.601 --> 00:51:35.133
IT'S A ONE SIDED STORY.

1573
00:51:35.200 --> 00:51:39.100
WE ONLY EVER HEARD HER SIDE.

1574
00:51:39.167 --> 00:51:40.210
EVEN BY HER SIDE, NOTHING
HAPPENED.

1575
00:51:40.234 --> 00:51:41.133
NOTHING BAD HAPPENED.

1576
00:51:41.200 --> 00:51:42.500
I'M SORRY.

1577
00:51:42.567 --> 00:51:45.000
[APPLAUSE]

1578
00:51:45.067 --> 00:51:46.968
I'M SORRY YOU HAD A BAD TIME ON

1579
00:51:47.033 --> 00:51:48.243
A DATE WITH A GUY WHO WAS TRYING

1580
00:51:48.267 --> 00:51:49.567
TO GET INTO YOUR PANTS.

1581
00:51:49.634 --> 00:51:51.400
THAT'S LIFE.

1582
00:51:51.467 --> 00:51:52.476
YOU EVER HEAR THE PHRASE YOU

1583
00:51:52.500 --> 00:51:53.634
HAVE TO KISS A LOT OF FROGS?

1584
00:51:53.701 --> 00:51:54.710
WELL, YOU CHOSE TO KISS THIS

1585
00:51:54.734 --> 00:51:55.901
ONE.

1586
00:51:55.968 --> 00:51:57.334
AND BY THE WAY, YOU CHOSE TO LET

1587
00:51:57.400 --> 00:51:58.440
HIM EAT YOUR PUSSY BY YOUR

1588
00:51:58.500 --> 00:51:59.500
ACCOUNT.

1589
00:51:59.567 --> 00:52:00.334
IT'S TRUE.

1590
00:52:00.400 --> 00:52:01.601
IT'S IN THE ACCOUNT.

1591
00:52:01.667 --> 00:52:02.844
I MEAN, YOU DON'T LIKE A DATE,

1592
00:52:02.868 --> 00:52:04.400
LEAVE.

1593
00:52:04.467 --> 00:52:05.634
THAT'S WHY RESTAURANTS HAVE

1594
00:52:05.701 --> 00:52:07.300
BATHROOMS WITH WINDOWS.

1595
00:52:07.367 --> 00:52:13.601
[LAUGHTER]

1596
00:52:13.667 --> 00:52:15.000
BUT NO, SHE FINISHES DINNER AT

1597
00:52:15.067 --> 00:52:16.500
THE RESTAURANT, GOES BACK TO HIS

1598
00:52:16.567 --> 00:52:18.701
APARTMENT, I ASSUME VOLUNTARILY.

1599
00:52:18.767 --> 00:52:20.327
HE'S 5'4".
I DON'T THINK HE DRAGGED HER.

1600
00:52:20.601 --> 00:52:26.901
[LAUGHTER]

1601
00:52:26.968 --> 00:52:28.467
HAS HIM EAT HER PUSSY AND THEN

1602
00:52:28.534 --> 00:52:30.968
IS MIFFED BECAUSE HE EXPECTED

1603
00:52:31.033 --> 00:52:34.133
INTERCOURSE, WHICH I DON'T THINK

1604
00:52:34.200 --> 00:52:35.834
IS AN UNREASONABLE EXPECTATION.

1605
00:52:35.901 --> 00:52:37.467
[LAUGHTER]

1606
00:52:37.534 --> 00:52:38.133
I DON'T.

1607
00:52:38.200 --> 00:52:41.701
I DON'T.

1608
00:52:41.767 --> 00:52:42.901
IT'S LIKE IF YOU WERE AT A

1609
00:52:42.968 --> 00:52:44.167
DINNER PARTY AND THEY SERVE A

1610
00:52:44.234 --> 00:52:46.133
SALAD COURSE.

1611
00:52:46.200 --> 00:52:50.434
[LAUGHTER]

1612
00:52:50.500 --> 00:52:53.000
AM I CRAZY TO THINK SOME CHICKEN

1613
00:52:53.067 --> 00:52:54.307
OR FISH IS GOING TO COME OUT OF

1614
00:52:54.367 --> 00:52:55.200
THAT KITCHEN AT SOME POINT?

1615
00:52:55.267 --> 00:52:56.868
I DON'T THINK SO.

1616
00:52:56.934 --> 00:53:03.200
[APPLAUSE]

1617
00:53:03.267 --> 00:53:04.701
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

1618
00:53:04.767 --> 00:53:05.868
YEAH.

1619
00:53:05.934 --> 00:53:07.634
SHE WAS PISSED OFF BECAUSE SHE

1620
00:53:07.701 --> 00:53:10.367
SAID HE MISSED THE SIGNALS.

1621
00:53:10.434 --> 00:53:11.968
OH, YES, HONEY, IT'S SO HARD TO

1622
00:53:12.033 --> 00:53:13.434
HEAR THE SIGNALS WITH MY HEAD

1623
00:53:13.500 --> 00:53:17.901
BETWEEN YOUR THIGHS, YOU KNOW?

1624
00:53:17.968 --> 00:53:18.267
WILL [LAUGHTER]
I'M SORRY, I... MY EAR IS

1625
00:53:18.968 --> 00:53:23.100
PRESSED UP AGAINST YOU.

1626
00:53:23.167 --> 00:53:25.033
LOOK, I'M NOT SLUT SHAMING

1627
00:53:25.100 --> 00:53:26.467
HERE.

1628
00:53:26.534 --> 00:53:28.868
I DON'T EVEN THINK THERE SHOULD

1629
00:53:28.934 --> 00:53:30.543
BE SUCH A WORD AS SLUT AT ALL.
THANK YOU, SLUT.

1630
00:53:30.567 --> 00:53:34.434
[LAUGHTER]

1631
00:53:34.500 --> 00:53:35.934
NICE TO SEE THAT.

1632
00:53:36.000 --> 00:53:36.934
SLUTS ARE ALWAYS IN THE BACK AT

1633
00:53:37.000 --> 00:53:38.801
COMEDY SHOWS.

1634
00:53:38.868 --> 00:53:40.068
MUSIC, THEY'RE RIGHT UP FRONT.

1635
00:53:40.133 --> 00:53:43.167
WE HAVE TO DO SOMETHING ABOUT

1636
00:53:43.234 --> 00:53:44.274
THAT, BUT... NO, A SLUT IS

1637
00:53:44.334 --> 00:53:44.868
SOMEONE WHO'S HAVING MORE SEX

1638
00:53:44.934 --> 00:53:46.234
THAN YOU ARE.

1639
00:53:46.300 --> 00:53:47.443
THAT'S THE DEFINITION OF A SLUT.

1640
00:53:47.467 --> 00:53:49.734
[LAUGHTER]

1641
00:53:49.801 --> 00:53:50.567
[APPLAUSE]

1642
00:53:50.634 --> 00:53:52.267
SO I'M NOT SLUT SHAMING HER.

1643
00:53:52.334 --> 00:53:53.467
BUT COME ON, HONEY.

1644
00:53:53.534 --> 00:53:54.934
YOU DID LET A GUY YOU KNEW FOR

1645
00:53:55.000 --> 00:53:55.701
THREE HOURS PUT HIS TONGUE IN

1646
00:53:55.767 --> 00:53:58.200
YOUR COOCH.

1647
00:53:58.267 --> 00:53:59.534
SO MAYBE STICKLER FOR THE RULES

1648
00:53:59.601 --> 00:54:01.467
ISN'T YOUR BEST PERSONA.

1649
00:54:01.534 --> 00:54:05.968
[LAUGHTER]

1650
00:54:06.033 --> 00:54:07.767
I MEAN, I JUST WONDER WHO ARE

1651
00:54:07.834 --> 00:54:09.834
THESE THESE PERFECT PEOPLE THAT

1652
00:54:09.901 --> 00:54:10.976
WE HAVE IN AMERICA NOW, SO MANY

1653
00:54:11.000 --> 00:54:12.500
PERFECT PEOPLE WHO NEVER MAKE A

1654
00:54:12.567 --> 00:54:13.968
MISTAKE, NEVER DO ANYTHING

1655
00:54:14.033 --> 00:54:15.968
WRONG, GET TO JUDGE YOUR DATE.

1656
00:54:16.033 --> 00:54:17.353
I DON'T LIKE THE DATE YOU WERE
ON.

1657
00:54:17.601 --> 00:54:20.234
WHO GIVES A SHIT WHAT YOU LIKE?

1658
00:54:20.300 --> 00:54:21.820
YOU KNOW, I MEAN, HE DID NOTHING
WRONG.

1659
00:54:22.167 --> 00:54:23.167
NOTHING COERCIVE, NOTHING

1660
00:54:23.234 --> 00:54:25.367
IMMORAL, NOTHING DIFFERENT THAN

1661
00:54:25.434 --> 00:54:27.567
THE WAY PEOPLE HAVE ALWAYS

1662
00:54:27.634 --> 00:54:29.434
FUMBLED TOWARD GETTING LAID.

1663
00:54:29.500 --> 00:54:32.300
IT'S NOT AN EXACT SCIENCE.

1664
00:54:32.367 --> 00:54:34.000
I AM ALWAYS JEALOUS OF GAY MEN,

1665
00:54:34.067 --> 00:54:37.000
YOU KNOW.

1666
00:54:37.067 --> 00:54:38.143
THEY DON'T HAVE TO TALK ANYBODY

1667
00:54:38.167 --> 00:54:39.367
INTO IT, YOU KNOW?
THEY JUST...

1668
00:54:39.467 --> 00:54:43.334
[LAUGHTER]

1669
00:54:43.400 --> 00:54:43.834
I LIKE IT.

1670
00:54:43.901 --> 00:54:44.901
YOU LIKE IT?

1671
00:54:44.934 --> 00:54:49.601
LET'S DO IT.

1672
00:54:49.667 --> 00:54:49.868
[LAUGHTER]
WE DON'T EVEN HAVE TO LEAVE THE

1673
00:54:50.567 --> 00:54:51.467
BAR.

1674
00:54:51.534 --> 00:54:58.200
[LAUGHTER]

1675
00:54:58.267 --> 00:54:59.400
NOW, ALL MY LIFE, I'VE HEARD

1676
00:54:59.467 --> 00:55:01.067
THIS TERM "A SURE THING."

1677
00:55:01.133 --> 00:55:02.634
I'M HERE TO TELL YOU, FOLKS,

1678
00:55:02.701 --> 00:55:04.334
THERE IS NO SUCH THING AS A

1679
00:55:04.400 --> 00:55:07.267
SURE THING, AND I CAN PROVE IT.

1680
00:55:07.334 --> 00:55:10.367
I WAS ONCE WITH A WOMAN SOME

1681
00:55:10.434 --> 00:55:11.968
YEARS AGO, AND I WAS FULLY

1682
00:55:12.033 --> 00:55:15.000
NAKED AND FULLY ERECT.

1683
00:55:15.067 --> 00:55:16.300
GOODNIGHT, LADIES.

1684
00:55:16.367 --> 00:55:18.667
[LAUGHTER]

1685
00:55:18.734 --> 00:55:21.067
I THOUGHT I'D LEAVE ON A HIGH

1686
00:55:21.133 --> 00:55:22.000
NOTE, BUT NO, I WAS FULLY NAKED,

1687
00:55:22.067 --> 00:55:23.901
FULLY ERECT.

1688
00:55:23.968 --> 00:55:24.500
SHE WAS FULLY NAKED AND FULLY

1689
00:55:24.567 --> 00:55:29.901
ERECT.

1690
00:55:29.968 --> 00:55:31.076
[LAUGHTER]
I'M TELLING YOU THIS.

1691
00:55:31.100 --> 00:55:32.610
THIS SHIT WAS HOT.
AND I WAS, YOU KNOW, JUST ABOUT

1692
00:55:32.634 --> 00:55:33.534
...

1693
00:55:33.601 --> 00:55:35.634
[LAUGHTER]

1694
00:55:35.701 --> 00:55:37.100
IT WAS LIKE ONE OF THOSE SPACE

1695
00:55:37.167 --> 00:55:38.367
MOVIES, YOU KNOW, WHERE YOU...

1696
00:55:38.400 --> 00:55:41.534
[LAUGHTER]

1697
00:55:41.601 --> 00:55:43.067
YOU KNOW, THEY'RE PLAYING THE

1698
00:55:43.133 --> 00:55:43.901
CLASSICAL MUSIC AND IT'S ABOUT

1699
00:55:43.968 --> 00:55:45.200
TO DOCK.

1700
00:55:45.267 --> 00:55:46.901
AND THEN AT THE LAST SECOND, SHE

1701
00:55:46.968 --> 00:55:47.767
CHANGED HER MIND, AND I HAD TO

1702
00:55:47.834 --> 00:55:50.734
TAKE MY BALLS AND GO HOME.

1703
00:55:50.801 --> 00:55:51.844
AND THAT'S WHEN I LEARNED DATING

1704
00:55:51.868 --> 00:55:53.701
IS LIKE THE MOVIE INDUSTRY.

1705
00:55:53.767 --> 00:55:54.334
I'LL BELIEVE IT WHEN IT'S IN THE

1706
00:55:54.400 --> 00:55:59.100
CAN.

1707
00:55:59.167 --> 00:55:59.367
[LAUGHTER]

1708
00:55:59.434 --> 00:56:02.868
BUT...

1709
00:56:02.934 --> 00:56:03.976
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
BUT YOU KNOW, THAT'S... THAT'S

1710
00:56:04.000 --> 00:56:04.801
LIFE.

1711
00:56:04.868 --> 00:56:06.043
YOU KNOW THAT PROBABLY THE MOST

1712
00:56:06.067 --> 00:56:07.834
AWKWARD, DIFFICULT TRANSITION

1713
00:56:07.901 --> 00:56:10.434
ANY TWO HUMANS CAN EVER MAKE IS,

1714
00:56:10.500 --> 00:56:11.100
I LIKE YOU.

1715
00:56:11.167 --> 00:56:13.567
YOU LIKE ME.

1716
00:56:13.634 --> 00:56:14.643
BUT I'VE NEVER BEEN ACTUALLY

1717
00:56:14.667 --> 00:56:16.701
INSIDE YOU.

1718
00:56:16.767 --> 00:56:17.777
I'M... I'M ASKING NOW IF I COULD

1719
00:56:17.801 --> 00:56:23.968
BE INSIDE YOU.

1720
00:56:24.033 --> 00:56:24.234
[LAUGHTER]
IT'S LIKE WHEN YOU COME TO

1721
00:56:24.868 --> 00:56:25.367
SOMEBODY'S DOOR AND THEY'RE

1722
00:56:25.434 --> 00:56:26.934
LIKE, CAN I COME IN?

1723
00:56:27.000 --> 00:56:27.834
AND THEY'RE LIKE, LET'S JUST

1724
00:56:27.901 --> 00:56:29.267
TALK RIGHT HERE.

1725
00:56:29.334 --> 00:56:31.167
[LAUGHTER]

1726
00:56:31.234 --> 00:56:32.310
IN FACT, I'M GOING TO COME OUT

1727
00:56:32.334 --> 00:56:33.234
ON THE PORCH, IF YOU DON'T MIND.

1728
00:56:33.300 --> 00:56:36.467
YOU KNOW.

1729
00:56:36.534 --> 00:56:38.467
I MEAN, IF YOU DON'T THINK IT'S

1730
00:56:38.534 --> 00:56:39.234
HARD TO CROSS AT LEAST THE

1731
00:56:39.300 --> 00:56:41.500
HETEROSEXUAL DIVIDE.

1732
00:56:41.567 --> 00:56:42.400
LET ME TELL YOU THIS, I'VE

1733
00:56:42.467 --> 00:56:44.467
NEVER, NEVER MET A WOMAN WHO

1734
00:56:44.534 --> 00:56:46.200
I'VE KNOWN FOR ANY AMOUNT OF

1735
00:56:46.267 --> 00:56:50.067
TIME WHO DIDN'T HAVE SOME

1736
00:56:50.133 --> 00:56:51.567
VERSION OF A STORY WHERE THEY

1737
00:56:51.634 --> 00:56:54.200
WERE INTRODUCED TO A GUY, MET

1738
00:56:54.267 --> 00:56:54.868
THEM ONLINE, ACROSS THE ROOM, AT

1739
00:56:54.934 --> 00:56:56.300
A BAR, WHATEVER.

1740
00:56:56.367 --> 00:56:57.667
AND THEY WERE LIKE, OH, HE SHE'S

1741
00:56:57.734 --> 00:56:58.868
CUTE.

1742
00:56:58.934 --> 00:57:00.367
HE DOESN'T SEEM LIKE A PSYCHO.

1743
00:57:00.434 --> 00:57:02.267
THEY THOUGHT SOMETHING GOOD

1744
00:57:02.334 --> 00:57:04.567
MIGHT HAPPEN AND THEN THEY ALL

1745
00:57:04.634 --> 00:57:07.767
HAVE SOME VERSION OF, AND THEN

1746
00:57:07.834 --> 00:57:08.400
HE OPENED HIS MOUTH, AND I LOST

1747
00:57:08.467 --> 00:57:09.901
INTEREST.

1748
00:57:09.968 --> 00:57:12.934
EVERY WOMAN HAS THAT STORY...

1749
00:57:13.000 --> 00:57:14.834
[APPLAUSE]

1750
00:57:14.901 --> 00:57:16.133
AND NO MEN.

1751
00:57:16.200 --> 00:57:18.868
[LAUGHTER]

1752
00:57:18.934 --> 00:57:21.534
NO MEN.

1753
00:57:21.601 --> 00:57:24.934
MEN DO NOT HAVE THAT STORY.

1754
00:57:25.000 --> 00:57:26.040
I WAS THE WORST WHEN I WAS

1755
00:57:26.100 --> 00:57:27.834
YOUNGER.

1756
00:57:27.901 --> 00:57:29.567
A WOMAN COULD SAY ANYTHING.

1757
00:57:29.634 --> 00:57:30.901
SHE COULD SAY, "I'M A NAZI."

1758
00:57:30.968 --> 00:57:33.667
[LAUGHTER]

1759
00:57:33.734 --> 00:57:35.033
AND I'D BE LIKE, SO WERE YOU

1760
00:57:35.100 --> 00:57:37.400
ALWAYS INTERESTED IN GERMANY, OR

1761
00:57:37.467 --> 00:57:40.434
WAS IT MORE OF A POLITICAL...

1762
00:57:40.500 --> 00:57:43.067
[LAUGHTER]

1763
00:57:43.133 --> 00:57:45.400
SO, LOOK, WE'VE COME A LONG WAY.

1764
00:57:45.467 --> 00:57:49.167
NOT SO MUCH MEN, BUT, YOU KNOW,

1765
00:57:49.234 --> 00:57:51.467
WE'RE TRYING, YOU KNOW, I MEAN,

1766
00:57:51.534 --> 00:57:53.334
100 YEARS AGO, MEN DIDN'T EVEN

1767
00:57:53.400 --> 00:57:56.033
THINK WOMEN HAD SEXUAL FEELINGS.

1768
00:57:56.100 --> 00:57:56.634
NOW WE KNOW THEY ACTUALLY HAVE

1769
00:57:56.701 --> 00:57:58.434
BETTER ONES.

1770
00:57:58.500 --> 00:57:59.234
THE CLITORIS HAS OVER 8,000

1771
00:57:59.300 --> 00:58:01.267
NERVE ENDINGS.

1772
00:58:01.334 --> 00:58:01.834
IT'S ALMOST AS SENSITIVE AS

1773
00:58:01.901 --> 00:58:02.934
MILLENNIALS.

1774
00:58:03.000 --> 00:58:05.701
[LAUGHTER]

1775
00:58:05.767 --> 00:58:06.801
I LOVE MINE.

1776
00:58:06.868 --> 00:58:07.934
WHERE ARE MY MILLENNIALS?

1777
00:58:08.000 --> 00:58:09.334
I LOVE MY MILLENNIALS.

1778
00:58:09.400 --> 00:58:11.767
THEY GOT ME THROUGH THE

1779
00:58:11.834 --> 00:58:12.901
PANDEMIC, AND THE KIDS MY

1780
00:58:12.968 --> 00:58:15.434
AGE WOULDN'T GO OUT TO PLAY.

1781
00:58:15.500 --> 00:58:16.734
I DIDN'T KNOW WHY BOOMERS AND

1782
00:58:16.801 --> 00:58:18.276
MILLENNIALS, WHY ARE WE ALWAYS
FEUDING?

1783
00:58:18.300 --> 00:58:19.443
THEY'RE ALWAYS LIKE, YOU RUINED
THE WORLD.

1784
00:58:19.467 --> 00:58:20.867
WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU TALKING
ABOUT?

1785
00:58:20.968 --> 00:58:22.067
RUINED THE WORLD.

1786
00:58:22.133 --> 00:58:24.868
TAKE IT.

1787
00:58:24.934 --> 00:58:26.300
YOU'RE OVER 40 NOW.

1788
00:58:26.367 --> 00:58:27.701
THE OLDEST OF YOU.

1789
00:58:27.767 --> 00:58:29.207
YOU'VE HAD FIVE ELECTIONS TO
VOTE IN.

1790
00:58:29.567 --> 00:58:30.667
TAKE THE WORLD.

1791
00:58:30.734 --> 00:58:31.910
NO ONE IS JUST GOING TO GIVE IT
TO YOU.

1792
00:58:31.934 --> 00:58:32.868
THAT'S A PROBLEM.

1793
00:58:32.934 --> 00:58:34.009
YOU GREW UP STEALING MUSIC AND

1794
00:58:34.033 --> 00:58:34.634
NOW YOU THINK EVERYTHING SHOULD

1795
00:58:34.701 --> 00:58:35.767
BE FREE.

1796
00:58:35.834 --> 00:58:37.000
[LAUGHTER]

1797
00:58:37.067 --> 00:58:42.033
TAKE IT.

1798
00:58:42.100 --> 00:58:43.334
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

1799
00:58:43.400 --> 00:58:45.400
AND GEN Z ARE EVEN WORSE.

1800
00:58:45.467 --> 00:58:46.710
BUT I'M NOT GOING TO SAY
ANYTHING.

1801
00:58:46.734 --> 00:58:47.934
I MAY NEED THEIR BLOOD.

1802
00:58:48.000 --> 00:58:53.801
[LAUGHTER]

1803
00:58:53.868 --> 00:58:54.868
NO.
I LOVE THE KIDS TODAY.

1804
00:58:55.200 --> 00:58:57.801
I DO.

1805
00:58:57.868 --> 00:58:59.701
BUT, YOU KNOW, THEY JUST... THEY

1806
00:58:59.767 --> 00:59:01.801
JUST SEEM TO BE LOCKED INTO

1807
00:59:01.868 --> 00:59:03.534
CHILDHOOD AS A WAY OF LIFE.

1808
00:59:03.601 --> 00:59:05.334
YOU KNOW, THEY EVEN HAVE A WORD

1809
00:59:05.400 --> 00:59:06.968
FOR WHEN THEY DO SOMETHING THAT

1810
00:59:07.033 --> 00:59:14.033
ISN'T CHILDISH, ADULTING.

1811
00:59:14.100 --> 00:59:15.610
HAVE YOU SEEN THIS, #Adulting.
I SCRAMBLED AN EGG TODAY,

1812
00:59:15.634 --> 00:59:21.734
ADULTING.

1813
00:59:21.801 --> 00:59:22.801
#Adulting.
[LAUGHTER]

1814
00:59:23.200 --> 00:59:24.680
I MADE A DENTAL APPOINTMENT,
ADULTING.

1815
00:59:25.000 --> 00:59:26.343
I WIPE MY OWN ASS.
I GUESS I'M TURNING INTO MY DAD.

1816
00:59:26.367 --> 00:59:31.634
[LAUGHTER]

1817
00:59:31.701 --> 00:59:33.033
I MEAN, THEY TALK A LOT ABOUT

1818
00:59:33.100 --> 00:59:34.801
FRAGILITY NOW IN THIS FRAGILITY.

1819
00:59:34.868 --> 00:59:36.801
IT'S WITH THE YOUNG.

1820
00:59:36.868 --> 00:59:39.868
LAST TIME I WENT TO USE UBER,

1821
00:59:39.934 --> 00:59:41.667
THE SCREEN CAME UP AND SAID,

1822
00:59:41.734 --> 00:59:42.334
WOULD YOU LIKE CONVERSATION WITH

1823
00:59:42.400 --> 00:59:45.868
THE DRIVER?

1824
00:59:45.934 --> 00:59:46.133
[LAUGHTER]
OH, I DON'T KNOW.

1825
00:59:46.834 --> 00:59:47.300
LET'S JUST FUCKING WING IT

1826
00:59:47.367 --> 00:59:48.400
TODAY, SHALL WE?

1827
00:59:48.467 --> 00:59:49.934
LET'S JUST GO NUTS AND SEE WHAT

1828
00:59:50.000 --> 00:59:51.901
HAPPENS.

1829
00:59:51.968 --> 00:59:53.901
REALLY, WE HAVE TO PLAN FOR

1830
00:59:53.968 --> 00:59:56.200
THAT?

1831
00:59:56.267 --> 00:59:58.067
AND I HAVE TO BE RATED, I DON'T

1832
00:59:58.133 --> 01:00:00.400
WANT TO BE RATED BY A FUCKING

1833
01:00:00.467 --> 01:00:01.834
CAB DRIVER, AND I DON'T WANT TO

1834
01:00:01.901 --> 01:00:03.434
WASTE A NANOSECOND RATING HIM.

1835
01:00:03.500 --> 01:00:05.467
I DON'T CARE WHAT HAPPENS AFTER

1836
01:00:05.534 --> 01:00:06.643
I GET OUT OF YOUR CAR, YOU CAN

1837
01:00:06.667 --> 01:00:08.801
KILL THE NEXT PASSENGER.

1838
01:00:08.868 --> 01:00:10.601
THAT'S FINE WITH ME.

1839
01:00:10.667 --> 01:00:12.300
IT'S NONE OF MY BUSINESS.

1840
01:00:12.367 --> 01:00:17.601
[LAUGHTER]

1841
01:00:17.667 --> 01:00:19.634
BUT YOU KNOW, I MAY NEED UBER,

1842
01:00:19.701 --> 01:00:21.901
SO I DON'T WANT A BAD RATING.

1843
01:00:21.968 --> 01:00:23.367
SO I WIND UP TALKING TO THE GUY

1844
01:00:23.434 --> 01:00:24.367
AND HE DOESN'T WANT A BAD

1845
01:00:24.434 --> 01:00:25.567
RATING.

1846
01:00:25.634 --> 01:00:26.901
SO HE TALKS TO ME, PROBABLY

1847
01:00:26.968 --> 01:00:28.434
DON'T WANT TO TALK TO ME EITHER.

1848
01:00:28.500 --> 01:00:29.400
SO WE'RE BOTH PUTTING ON THIS

1849
01:00:29.467 --> 01:00:32.934
KABUKI DANCE FOR EACH OTHER.

1850
01:00:33.000 --> 01:00:33.200
[LAUGHTER]
AND I FEEL LIKE THIS IS SUCH AN

1851
01:00:33.901 --> 01:00:35.200
EPITOME OF WHAT MODERN LIFE IS.

1852
01:00:35.267 --> 01:00:39.868
PEOPLE FAKING THEIR LIFE, FAKING

1853
01:00:39.934 --> 01:00:41.009
WHAT IS INSTAGRAM, BUT FAKING

1854
01:00:41.033 --> 01:00:41.267
YOUR LIFE.

1855
01:00:41.334 --> 01:00:42.343
EVERYONE'S ALWAYS GETTING BLOWN

1856
01:00:42.367 --> 01:00:43.601
UNDER A PALM TREE OR DRINKING

1857
01:00:43.667 --> 01:00:46.667
MAI TAIS AT SUNSET.

1858
01:00:46.734 --> 01:00:48.701
NO ONE'S EVER DUCT TAPING THEIR

1859
01:00:48.767 --> 01:00:52.234
SIDE VIEW MIRROR BACK ONTO THEIR

1860
01:00:52.300 --> 01:00:54.267
'88 TERCEL, YOU KNOW, IT IS

1861
01:00:54.334 --> 01:00:55.601
YOLO.

1862
01:00:55.667 --> 01:01:02.801
[LAUGHTER]

1863
01:01:02.868 --> 01:01:05.000
VIRTUAL IS WORSE.

1864
01:01:05.067 --> 01:01:06.100
OKAY.

1865
01:01:06.167 --> 01:01:09.033
CAN WE JUST PUT IT OUT THERE?

1866
01:01:09.100 --> 01:01:09.801
VIRTUAL, WORSE THAN REAL.

1867
01:01:09.868 --> 01:01:12.667
REAL AND ACTUAL IS BETTER THAN

1868
01:01:12.734 --> 01:01:13.944
VIRTUAL AND FACE.
THAT'S WHY YOU KIDS HAVE SO MUCH

1869
01:01:13.968 --> 01:01:16.500
ANXIETY.

1870
01:01:16.567 --> 01:01:18.087
YOU KNOW, JESUS CHRIST, JUST LET
IT GO.

1871
01:01:18.367 --> 01:01:19.367
LIVE YOUR LIFE.
ENJOY IT.

1872
01:01:19.567 --> 01:01:21.234
IT GOES FAST.

1873
01:01:21.300 --> 01:01:23.100
TRUST ME, IT GOES FAST.

1874
01:01:23.167 --> 01:01:24.434
I'M 66.

1875
01:01:24.500 --> 01:01:25.033
OF COURSE, I LOOK FUCKING

1876
01:01:25.100 --> 01:01:26.200
AMAZING.

1877
01:01:26.267 --> 01:01:30.434
SO...

1878
01:01:30.500 --> 01:01:31.067
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

1879
01:01:31.133 --> 01:01:33.267
I'M FUCKING KIDDING WITH YOU.

1880
01:01:33.334 --> 01:01:33.901
BELIEVE ME, I KNOW WHAT I LOOK

1881
01:01:33.968 --> 01:01:36.100
LIKE.

1882
01:01:36.167 --> 01:01:37.447
NO, WHEN PEOPLE... BELIEVE ME, I

1883
01:01:37.500 --> 01:01:39.200
KNOW WHEN PEOPLE SAY YOU LOOK

1884
01:01:39.267 --> 01:01:40.410
GREAT, I ALWAYS SAY, YES, THE

1885
01:01:40.434 --> 01:01:41.476
UNSPOKEN PART IS ALWAYS FOR YOUR

1886
01:01:41.500 --> 01:01:45.167
AGE.

1887
01:01:45.234 --> 01:01:45.434
[LAUGHTER]

1888
01:01:45.500 --> 01:01:47.033
YOU LOOK GREAT FOR YOUR AGE.

1889
01:01:47.100 --> 01:01:48.143
BECAUSE REALLY, IF I WAS 30 AND

1890
01:01:48.167 --> 01:01:49.434
I WALKED IN HERE LIKE THIS,

1891
01:01:49.500 --> 01:01:50.976
YOU'D BE LIKE, OH MY GOD, WERE
YOU IN A FIRE?

1892
01:01:51.000 --> 01:01:59.000
[LAUGHTER]

1893
01:01:59.100 --> 01:02:00.200
REALLY?

1894
01:02:00.267 --> 01:02:01.507
WHEN YOU'RE 66, YOU'RE DYING IN

1895
01:02:01.567 --> 01:02:03.534
THE MIRROR EVERY DAY.

1896
01:02:03.601 --> 01:02:05.434
EVERY DAY.

1897
01:02:05.500 --> 01:02:06.367
I'M LIKE, FUCK CORONA, DO

1898
01:02:06.434 --> 01:02:11.067
SOMETHING ABOUT THAT.

1899
01:02:11.133 --> 01:02:14.834
BUT, YOU KNOW, I MEAN, I THINK

1900
01:02:14.901 --> 01:02:17.868
THE SECRET TO AGING, I HOPE, IS

1901
01:02:17.934 --> 01:02:19.467
YOU HAVE TO THROTTLE BACK ON

1902
01:02:19.534 --> 01:02:21.067
WHAT YOU USED TO BE ABLE

1903
01:02:21.133 --> 01:02:22.243
TO DO AND HOW MUCH YOU COULD

1904
01:02:22.267 --> 01:02:23.267
PUNISH YOUR BODY.

1905
01:02:23.334 --> 01:02:24.543
YOU JUST CAN'T KEEP DOING IT AT

1906
01:02:24.567 --> 01:02:26.767
THE RATE YOU USED TO DO IT.

1907
01:02:26.834 --> 01:02:28.200
I THINK I'VE DONE THAT PRETTY

1908
01:02:28.267 --> 01:02:29.200
WELL PLEASE, JESUS.

1909
01:02:29.267 --> 01:02:33.701
[LAUGHTER]

1910
01:02:33.767 --> 01:02:39.834
YOU KNOW WHEN I NEED HIM.

1911
01:02:39.901 --> 01:02:40.100
[LAUGHTER]
BUT... BUT I THINK I HAVE YOU

1912
01:02:40.767 --> 01:02:41.200
KNOW, I USED TO SMOKE

1913
01:02:41.267 --> 01:02:42.267
CIGARETTES.

1914
01:02:42.300 --> 01:02:45.000
THAT WAS STUPID, BUT I STOPPED.

1915
01:02:45.067 --> 01:02:46.267
I USED TO DRINK IRISHLY, SHALL

1916
01:02:46.334 --> 01:02:48.567
WE SAY, STOPPED DOING THAT.

1917
01:02:48.634 --> 01:02:50.901
I STOPPED EATING POT.

1918
01:02:51.000 --> 01:02:53.434
[LAUGHTER]

1919
01:02:53.500 --> 01:02:55.467
SOMETHING, YOU KNOW, I MEAN,

1920
01:02:55.534 --> 01:02:56.968
BECAUSE I HAD A BAD EXPERIENCE.

1921
01:02:57.033 --> 01:02:59.000
I'VE ACTUALLY HAD... I HAD TWO

1922
01:02:59.067 --> 01:03:00.367
BAD, BAD EXPERIENCES.

1923
01:03:00.434 --> 01:03:00.968
AND LOOK, YOU KNOW ME.

1924
01:03:01.033 --> 01:03:02.534
I LOVE POT.

1925
01:03:02.601 --> 01:03:07.300
I HAVE SEEDS IN MY URINE, I...

1926
01:03:07.367 --> 01:03:07.567
[LAUGHTER]
BUT I HAVE HAD TWO BAD

1927
01:03:08.100 --> 01:03:09.534
EXPERIENCES.

1928
01:03:09.601 --> 01:03:10.743
ONE, OH, THIS WAS ABOUT, I DON'T

1929
01:03:10.767 --> 01:03:11.334
KNOW, 12 YEARS AGO, SOMETHING

1930
01:03:11.400 --> 01:03:13.767
LIKE THAT.

1931
01:03:13.834 --> 01:03:15.033
I WAS HERE, WELL, NOT EXACTLY

1932
01:03:15.100 --> 01:03:17.000
HERE, BUT ON STAGE DOING THIS.

1933
01:03:17.067 --> 01:03:18.467
AND I WAS TOO HIGH.

1934
01:03:18.534 --> 01:03:22.801
I MEAN, I SAVED MY HIGH FOR YOU.

1935
01:03:22.868 --> 01:03:23.067
[LAUGHTER]

1936
01:03:23.133 --> 01:03:27.300
BECAUSE I LOVE YOU.

1937
01:03:27.367 --> 01:03:28.643
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
BUT I DO... BUT I DON'T KNOW.

1938
01:03:28.667 --> 01:03:29.910
SOMEONE SPIKED MY DOPE THAT
NIGHT.

1939
01:03:29.934 --> 01:03:31.067
SOMETHING, I DON'T KNOW.

1940
01:03:31.133 --> 01:03:32.267
BUT I WAS TOO HIGH ON STAGE.

1941
01:03:32.334 --> 01:03:33.334
IT WAS A NIGHTMARE.

1942
01:03:33.400 --> 01:03:34.801
THAT FIRST HALF HOUR OF THAT

1943
01:03:34.868 --> 01:03:36.100
SHOW, I GOT THROUGH IT, BUT I

1944
01:03:36.167 --> 01:03:37.701
WAS JUST HANGING ON BY A THREAD.

1945
01:03:37.767 --> 01:03:40.100
I KNEW I WAS IN TROUBLE AT ONE

1946
01:03:40.167 --> 01:03:43.000
POINT WHEN I SAID OBAMA AND THEN

1947
01:03:43.067 --> 01:03:44.367
THOUGHT, IS THAT HIS NAME?

1948
01:03:44.434 --> 01:03:46.868
[LAUGHTER]

1949
01:03:46.934 --> 01:03:48.067
OBAMA.

1950
01:03:48.133 --> 01:03:50.133
OBAMA.

1951
01:03:50.200 --> 01:03:51.767
OBAMA.

1952
01:03:51.834 --> 01:03:57.467
DOESN'T SOUND RIGHT.

1953
01:03:57.534 --> 01:03:59.934
[LAUGHTER]

1954
01:04:00.000 --> 01:04:01.334
THE OTHER TIME WAS EVEN WORSE

1955
01:04:01.400 --> 01:04:03.801
WAS ABOUT 20 YEARS AGO.

1956
01:04:03.868 --> 01:04:05.577
AND OH, MY GOD, THIS IS BEFORE
DISPENSARIES, YOU KNOW.

1957
01:04:05.601 --> 01:04:06.777
SO YOU DIDN'T KNOW HOW MUCH POT

1958
01:04:06.801 --> 01:04:08.000
IF YOU WERE EATING IT BECAUSE

1959
01:04:08.067 --> 01:04:09.334
YOU ATE IT IN A BROWNIE OR A

1960
01:04:09.400 --> 01:04:10.844
COOKIE, YOU DIDN'T KNOW WHAT
THEY PUT INTO IT.

1961
01:04:10.868 --> 01:04:12.200
HOW MUCH OF IT?

1962
01:04:12.267 --> 01:04:12.667
OH, MY GOD.
I WAS HOME.

1963
01:04:13.200 --> 01:04:14.067
IT WAS A SATURDAY.

1964
01:04:14.133 --> 01:04:15.200
I HAD A LOT OF WORK TO DO.

1965
01:04:15.267 --> 01:04:17.234
I THOUGHT, OKAY, I'M GOING TO

1966
01:04:17.300 --> 01:04:18.033
GET A LOT OF WORK DONE TODAY.

1967
01:04:18.100 --> 01:04:19.634
I HAD THIS SHIT CALLED EPHEDRA.

1968
01:04:19.701 --> 01:04:21.101
YOU KNOW WHAT THIS IS?
IT WAS LEGAL.

1969
01:04:21.467 --> 01:04:22.577
THEY SOLD IT IN THE HEALTH FOOD
STORE.

1970
01:04:22.601 --> 01:04:24.067
IT WAS SPEED.

1971
01:04:24.133 --> 01:04:27.000
IT WAS SOME NUT FROM BRAZIL, AND

1972
01:04:27.067 --> 01:04:28.210
THIS NUT FROM NEW JERSEY TOOK
IT.

1973
01:04:28.234 --> 01:04:30.500
[LAUGHTER]

1974
01:04:30.567 --> 01:04:32.267
AND I THOUGHT, OKAY, I'LL TAKE

1975
01:04:32.334 --> 01:04:33.968
THE EPHEDRA FOR ENERGY.

1976
01:04:34.033 --> 01:04:35.300
I'LL TAKE THE BROWNIE FOR

1977
01:04:35.367 --> 01:04:37.300
CREATIVITY.

1978
01:04:37.367 --> 01:04:39.000
OH, FUCK.

1979
01:04:39.067 --> 01:04:41.400
ABOUT A HALF HOUR INTO THIS, I

1980
01:04:41.467 --> 01:04:42.200
WAS LIKE, OH, MY GOD, THIS IS

1981
01:04:42.267 --> 01:04:43.334
GOING TO BE THE WORST.

1982
01:04:43.400 --> 01:04:44.100
AND IT WAS THE WORST NIGHT OF MY

1983
01:04:44.167 --> 01:04:45.267
LIFE.

1984
01:04:45.334 --> 01:04:46.634
I MEAN, I WAS FROZEN SITTING AT

1985
01:04:46.701 --> 01:04:49.167
MY DESK.

1986
01:04:49.234 --> 01:04:50.167
MY HEART WAS BEATING A TRILLION

1987
01:04:50.234 --> 01:04:51.901
TIMES A MINUTE.

1988
01:04:51.968 --> 01:04:53.009
I THOUGHT IF I MOVED, I WOULD

1989
01:04:53.033 --> 01:04:53.667
DIE.

1990
01:04:53.734 --> 01:04:55.133
[LAUGHTER]

1991
01:04:55.200 --> 01:04:56.901
AT ONE POINT, I THOUGHT MAYBE I

1992
01:04:56.968 --> 01:04:57.567
DID DIE AND THIS IS WHAT HELL

1993
01:04:57.634 --> 01:05:01.033
WAS LIKE.

1994
01:05:01.100 --> 01:05:01.300
[LAUGHTER]

1995
01:05:01.367 --> 01:05:06.801
I HAD NO IDEA WHAT REALITY WAS.

1996
01:05:06.868 --> 01:05:07.801
SO FINALLY, OR AFTER TEN SECONDS

1997
01:05:07.868 --> 01:05:09.701
IT COULD HAVE BEEN TEN

1998
01:05:09.767 --> 01:05:12.868
SECONDS, HONESTLY.

1999
01:05:12.934 --> 01:05:13.667
BUT I FINALLY... THE PHONE WAS

2000
01:05:13.734 --> 01:05:15.000
RIGHT THERE.

2001
01:05:15.067 --> 01:05:17.100
I COULDN'T MOVE TO GET TO IT.

2002
01:05:17.167 --> 01:05:18.367
I FINALLY PICKED UP THE PHONE

2003
01:05:18.434 --> 01:05:19.901
AND CALLED SOMEONE TO HELP ME.

2004
01:05:19.968 --> 01:05:22.033
THE SECOND I PUT THE PHONE DOWN,

2005
01:05:22.100 --> 01:05:23.200
I DIDN'T KNOW WHETHER I HAD

2006
01:05:23.267 --> 01:05:25.300
ACTUALLY DONE THAT OR JUST

2007
01:05:25.367 --> 01:05:27.734
THOUGHT I HAD DONE THAT.

2008
01:05:27.801 --> 01:05:29.367
SO I CALLED SOMEBODY ELSE.

2009
01:05:29.434 --> 01:05:34.133
[LAUGHTER]

2010
01:05:34.200 --> 01:05:35.467
AN HOUR LATER, THERE WERE LIKE

2011
01:05:35.534 --> 01:05:38.701
20 PEOPLE IN MY LIVING ROOM,

2012
01:05:38.767 --> 01:05:40.334
WOMEN I HAD WORKED SO HARD TO

2013
01:05:40.400 --> 01:05:41.767
KEEP APART MET EACH OTHER ON

2014
01:05:41.834 --> 01:05:45.868
THAT NIGHT.

2015
01:05:45.934 --> 01:05:46.133
[LAUGHTER]
I'M SO GLAD WE MET EACH OTHER ON

2016
01:05:46.868 --> 01:05:47.300
THIS NIGHT.

2017
01:05:47.367 --> 01:05:49.500
YOU WERE AN AMAZING AUDIENCE.

2018
01:05:49.567 --> 01:05:52.100
LOVE YOU, MIAMI.

2019
01:05:52.167 --> 01:05:52.567
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

2020
01:05:52.634 --> 01:05:54.200
I WANT TO THANK HBO.

2021
01:05:54.267 --> 01:05:58.934
THEY SAW SOMETHING IN ME IN 1989

2022
01:05:59.000 --> 01:06:01.334
WHEN THEY GAVE ME MY FIRST

2023
01:06:01.400 --> 01:06:02.667
SPECIAL, AND THIS IS THE 12TH

2024
01:06:02.734 --> 01:06:03.167
ONE WE'VE DONE TOGETHER.

2025
01:06:03.234 --> 01:06:05.133
THANK YOU SO MUCH.

2026
01:06:05.200 --> 01:06:13.200
♪ ♪

2027
01:06:13.834 --> 01:06:19.167
♪ ♪

2028
01:06:19.234 --> 01:06:26.968
♪ ♪