WEBVTT FILE
1
00:00:02.000 --> 00:00:07.000
Downloaded from
YTS.MX
2
00:00:08.000 --> 00:00:13.000
Official YIFY movies site:
YTS.MX
3
00:00:12.303 --> 00:00:15.557
I'm Catherine and I dance very beautiful!
4
00:00:15.640 --> 00:00:17.350
- Hey, Catherine.
5
00:00:17.434 --> 00:00:20.520
No pictures. No pictures. No pictures.
6
00:00:20.603 --> 00:00:25.358
Well, I'm just gonna walk into the TV.
7
00:00:25.442 --> 00:00:27.193
- You are?
- Yeah.
8
00:00:27.277 --> 00:00:29.571
- That's magic.
- I know.
9
00:00:44.544 --> 00:00:47.797
I feel completely insane,
but I look literally stunning.
10
00:00:48.798 --> 00:00:51.176
- That's five.
- Yes. Thank you, Knock.
11
00:00:52.260 --> 00:00:53.511
Thank you, Five.
12
00:00:54.179 --> 00:00:55.013
Thank you…
13
00:01:03.855 --> 00:01:05.398
Hello, New York City.
14
00:01:05.482 --> 00:01:07.275
Welcome to Joe's Pub.
15
00:01:07.984 --> 00:01:12.655
Please give a thunderous,
warm welcome to Catherine Cohen.
16
00:01:33.009 --> 00:01:34.052
Seriously.
17
00:01:35.470 --> 00:01:37.388
Stop. I'm shy.
18
00:01:45.355 --> 00:01:47.732
Oh, my God.
19
00:01:47.816 --> 00:01:49.150
I have an amazing voice.
20
00:01:49.234 --> 00:01:51.027
- Wow.
21
00:01:51.110 --> 00:01:54.614
Look at me
doing comedy in a rhinestone romper.
22
00:01:55.824 --> 00:01:57.575
Against all odds.
23
00:01:58.326 --> 00:02:00.453
Bet you're wondering how I got here.
24
00:02:00.537 --> 00:02:03.748
Well, baby, I'll tell you.
25
00:02:19.514 --> 00:02:20.348
Hey!
26
00:02:36.406 --> 00:02:37.740
Whoo!
27
00:03:17.322 --> 00:03:18.740
"Gimme my hat back."
28
00:03:33.004 --> 00:03:33.838
I don't have one.
29
00:03:38.551 --> 00:03:40.887
I don't have a car. Lunge out.
30
00:03:46.142 --> 00:03:47.101
Seriously, please.
31
00:03:49.312 --> 00:03:50.396
White boot.
32
00:03:53.024 --> 00:03:53.858
Hit my clit.
33
00:04:00.073 --> 00:04:01.407
Yeah. Bridge.
34
00:04:16.798 --> 00:04:18.299
Help! Spin. Okay.
35
00:04:24.013 --> 00:04:25.139
- Give it up.
36
00:04:30.144 --> 00:04:31.521
Seriously, please.
37
00:04:33.856 --> 00:04:34.816
Hair flip.
38
00:04:37.860 --> 00:04:38.695
I'm unwell.
39
00:04:44.450 --> 00:04:45.910
Big finish. Ready? Hey.
40
00:04:59.966 --> 00:05:02.093
Give it up for Henry Koperski on the keys.
41
00:05:04.137 --> 00:05:06.973
So, welcome to heaven.
This my show.
42
00:05:07.056 --> 00:05:10.852
You look at me,
you think, "Okay. She has it all."
43
00:05:10.935 --> 00:05:12.103
And it's true.
44
00:05:13.479 --> 00:05:15.565
I do. Ooh.
45
00:05:15.648 --> 00:05:17.650
I'm young. Oh.
46
00:05:17.734 --> 00:05:19.944
I'm gorgeous. Ooh.
47
00:05:20.028 --> 00:05:22.613
But, just this morning,
I had one sip of cold brew
48
00:05:22.697 --> 00:05:24.407
and ruined my only butthole.
49
00:05:25.575 --> 00:05:27.785
Stars, they're just like us.
50
00:05:29.537 --> 00:05:32.332
I am so happy to be
doing this in New York City.
51
00:05:34.459 --> 00:05:35.543
Mmm!
52
00:05:36.836 --> 00:05:39.630
New York City, where I,
for lack of a better term,
53
00:05:39.714 --> 00:05:41.674
do actually "live."
54
00:05:41.758 --> 00:05:44.594
The other day,
I was dry-swallowing my birth control pill
55
00:05:44.677 --> 00:05:46.554
as I Citi Biked up the Williamsburg Bridge
56
00:05:46.637 --> 00:05:51.100
and I was like, "Oh, my God.
I guess I am the voice of my generation."
57
00:05:52.101 --> 00:05:54.937
And it's exhausting,
but someone has to do it.
58
00:05:55.772 --> 00:05:57.023
I'm sorry…
59
00:05:59.567 --> 00:06:02.320
Oh, I'm sorry.
I literally can't stop creating content.
60
00:06:03.821 --> 00:06:06.199
If this gets too tall,
I will try to fuck it.
61
00:06:06.282 --> 00:06:07.241
So we have to…
62
00:06:08.367 --> 00:06:09.452
She has a type.
63
00:06:11.746 --> 00:06:15.666
I recently quit my job
because I couldn't wake up and go there.
64
00:06:16.584 --> 00:06:18.669
Does that resonate with anyone?
65
00:06:18.753 --> 00:06:19.962
Yeah.
66
00:06:20.046 --> 00:06:22.632
So, now I've been doing
a lot of lying on my bed,
67
00:06:22.715 --> 00:06:24.175
just kind of waiting for the retweet,
68
00:06:24.258 --> 00:06:25.718
that'll
turn it all around.
69
00:06:27.095 --> 00:06:28.763
Social media is perfect,
70
00:06:28.846 --> 00:06:30.765
'cause you can watch
people you barely know
71
00:06:30.848 --> 00:06:33.184
sort of unravel in real time.
72
00:06:33.267 --> 00:06:35.436
Which I absolutely foot pop j'adore.
73
00:06:36.229 --> 00:06:37.355
No, jealousy is cool,
74
00:06:37.438 --> 00:06:40.525
'cause it's like swallowing
a house that you just set on fire.
75
00:06:44.987 --> 00:06:48.407
Not to be this bitch,
but a pandemic, colon?
76
00:06:48.491 --> 00:06:49.867
Not what I had in mind.
77
00:06:52.245 --> 00:06:55.248
So ran… Literally, so random.
78
00:06:57.291 --> 00:06:59.669
I was like,
"I did not know this was an option."
79
00:07:00.545 --> 00:07:03.881
I was way more concerned with things
just falling on my head.
80
00:07:04.757 --> 00:07:06.425
There's a lot of stuff that's up.
81
00:07:07.135 --> 00:07:09.137
And here I am beneath.
82
00:07:10.763 --> 00:07:12.974
But a pandemic is what we ultimately got.
83
00:07:13.057 --> 00:07:14.851
Which was rock and roll, normal and cool.
84
00:07:14.934 --> 00:07:17.311
The last year was absolutely exquisite.
85
00:07:18.813 --> 00:07:21.149
I gained a lot of weight
over the last year,
86
00:07:21.232 --> 00:07:22.358
which isn't good or bad.
87
00:07:22.442 --> 00:07:25.528
It isn't good or bad. Not…
It isn't good or bad.
88
00:07:27.822 --> 00:07:31.075
So, it isn't good or bad to gain weight
because isn't good or bad.
89
00:07:31.159 --> 00:07:33.661
And can you tell
I had therapy two times this week?
90
00:07:33.744 --> 00:07:34.704
Yes.
91
00:07:35.413 --> 00:07:37.832
Oh, my God.
A standing ovation so early in the show.
92
00:07:38.958 --> 00:07:40.334
I did not see that coming.
93
00:07:40.418 --> 00:07:41.794
Um, but it's cool.
94
00:07:41.878 --> 00:07:45.089
One perk of gaining weight
is that, obviously, my tits got huge.
95
00:07:45.173 --> 00:07:47.800
If you didn't notice,
it's because you hate women.
96
00:07:49.469 --> 00:07:52.180
My tits got big enough that I can now,
97
00:07:53.139 --> 00:07:55.475
like all the great poets
who came before me,
98
00:07:55.558 --> 00:07:57.226
titty fuck my boyfriend.
99
00:07:59.020 --> 00:08:00.813
Thank you. Thank you.
100
00:08:02.523 --> 00:08:04.650
No, no. And that's not why I do it.
101
00:08:05.693 --> 00:08:09.197
I don't like being the girl who's like,
"My boyfriend, my boyfriend,"
102
00:08:09.280 --> 00:08:12.116
I feel like girls who are like,
"My boyfriend, my boyfriend,"
103
00:08:12.200 --> 00:08:13.868
are the same kind of girls who are like,
104
00:08:13.951 --> 00:08:16.621
"There is actually
too much sugar in fruit."
105
00:08:19.957 --> 00:08:22.376
"So, for me, it's a dessert."
106
00:08:23.211 --> 00:08:25.880
And then their mouth goes
all the way around their face.
107
00:08:28.508 --> 00:08:30.718
But I can officially titty fuck my…
108
00:08:30.801 --> 00:08:34.013
Don't you sometimes wish
there were different words for things?
109
00:08:34.096 --> 00:08:35.765
But now my tits are big enough
110
00:08:35.848 --> 00:08:38.184
that I can wrap 'em
'round my boyfriend's cock.
111
00:08:39.769 --> 00:08:41.187
Did you think…
112
00:08:41.270 --> 00:08:44.440
Be honest. Did you think you'd hear
"cock" this early in the show?
113
00:08:45.858 --> 00:08:47.652
Cock is such a porny word.
114
00:08:47.735 --> 00:08:49.445
I famously love porn,
115
00:08:49.529 --> 00:08:51.656
if my boyfriend tells me
the girl looks like me.
116
00:08:51.739 --> 00:08:53.950
Otherwise, it is bad for women.
117
00:08:54.992 --> 00:08:57.161
And that's just
where I stand on that issue.
118
00:08:58.287 --> 00:09:02.625
So, I was, for the last time,
titty fucking my boyfriend.
119
00:09:03.668 --> 00:09:05.670
Humble brag. And…
120
00:09:07.755 --> 00:09:10.424
when he came…
121
00:09:10.508 --> 00:09:11.384
Yeah.
122
00:09:12.843 --> 00:09:14.887
Could hear a freaking pin drop.
123
00:09:16.222 --> 00:09:18.015
When he came,
124
00:09:19.684 --> 00:09:21.727
he made a sound I've never heard before.
125
00:09:22.478 --> 00:09:26.524
And I was like, "Okay.
I'm a sex goddess."
126
00:09:28.317 --> 00:09:29.610
I turn to him, I say…
127
00:09:32.863 --> 00:09:34.198
"How was that for you?"
128
00:09:35.032 --> 00:09:37.994
And he goes,
"It was actually almost painful."
129
00:09:40.204 --> 00:09:42.415
Um, feminist win much?
130
00:09:48.963 --> 00:09:50.590
Yes. I'm doing the work.
131
00:09:53.342 --> 00:09:56.262
Oh, there's such a good energy in here. I…
132
00:09:56.345 --> 00:09:58.389
- You're family.
133
00:09:58.472 --> 00:10:01.058
I love. I love.
134
00:10:01.142 --> 00:10:02.518
What a summer.
135
00:10:02.602 --> 00:10:03.686
It's been a time.
136
00:10:03.769 --> 00:10:05.605
I hate the summer.
137
00:10:05.688 --> 00:10:08.149
All I've ever done in a bikini is sob.
138
00:10:09.108 --> 00:10:11.110
But one thing I love about summer,
139
00:10:11.736 --> 00:10:16.824
I have to say,
is those hot, hot summer anthems.
140
00:10:16.907 --> 00:10:21.954
So, if the DJ could just drop
that track real quick, that'd be sick.
141
00:10:22.872 --> 00:10:25.374
I'm really more
of a dancer than a comedian.
142
00:10:26.751 --> 00:10:30.296
Dancer first, choreographer second,
model third, comedian fourth.
143
00:10:31.964 --> 00:10:33.257
Shh. Let me do my thing.
144
00:11:27.019 --> 00:11:27.853
Yes!
145
00:12:05.641 --> 00:12:06.642
Bridge.
146
00:12:16.444 --> 00:12:17.319
Step ball change.
147
00:12:26.745 --> 00:12:27.580
Yes!
148
00:12:45.055 --> 00:12:49.351
Um, I think everyone has heard by now,
but I want to be up front about this.
149
00:12:49.435 --> 00:12:51.228
I have some exciting news.
150
00:12:51.896 --> 00:12:53.022
I…
151
00:12:54.064 --> 00:12:56.150
recently read a book.
152
00:13:04.617 --> 00:13:06.952
Thank you. Thank you.
I love you.
153
00:13:08.162 --> 00:13:10.372
I have a rare disease
where if I read a book,
154
00:13:10.456 --> 00:13:12.791
the whole time
I'm looking at it, I'm like,
155
00:13:13.501 --> 00:13:18.923
"Look at you. Reading a book."
156
00:13:19.632 --> 00:13:22.176
"You stupid, stupid slut."
157
00:13:23.052 --> 00:13:25.930
Just 'cause I don't like to read,
write, argue or be alone,
158
00:13:26.013 --> 00:13:27.890
doesn't mean I'm not an intellectual.
159
00:13:30.976 --> 00:13:32.353
That's my crowd work.
160
00:13:34.647 --> 00:13:37.233
I actually won
a very prestigious award lately.
161
00:13:37.316 --> 00:13:38.359
Hold for applause.
162
00:13:38.442 --> 00:13:44.198
I won an award for leaving my home
without my phone for 42 minutes.
163
00:13:44.281 --> 00:13:45.866
Yeah. Thank you.
164
00:13:45.950 --> 00:13:48.118
And, no, and that's not why I do it.
165
00:13:48.202 --> 00:13:49.787
And that's not why I do it.
166
00:13:50.704 --> 00:13:51.872
When I did that,
167
00:13:51.956 --> 00:13:55.793
I had what critics and fans alike
are calling "a lady in a movie moment."
168
00:13:55.876 --> 00:13:58.879
"What's that? What's that? What could
that possibly be? What is that?"
169
00:13:58.963 --> 00:14:02.841
So, "a lady in a movie moment"
is when something happens to you
170
00:14:02.925 --> 00:14:04.969
that might happen to a lady in a movie.
171
00:14:06.762 --> 00:14:08.222
So, for example,
172
00:14:08.305 --> 00:14:11.684
if you, um… if you check the mail
with your little key…
173
00:14:12.560 --> 00:14:13.644
Lady in a movie.
174
00:14:16.230 --> 00:14:19.733
If you hold a baguette…
If you're even near a baguette…
175
00:14:21.569 --> 00:14:23.654
Lady in a movie.
176
00:14:24.864 --> 00:14:28.200
And if you, say it with me,
run into your ex on the street,
177
00:14:28.284 --> 00:14:30.536
that is full-blown, hundy p,
178
00:14:30.619 --> 00:14:32.705
- lady in a…
- Lady in a movie.
179
00:14:32.788 --> 00:14:34.248
Thank you.
180
00:14:34.331 --> 00:14:35.416
Oh!
181
00:14:35.499 --> 00:14:37.001
It feels good to be at home.
182
00:14:37.960 --> 00:14:41.714
So, I did recently, like a cartoon,
have a lady in a movie moment.
183
00:14:41.797 --> 00:14:44.174
I ran into my ex on the street.
184
00:14:45.009 --> 00:14:47.261
And he was wearing a suit.
185
00:14:47.344 --> 00:14:49.972
He looked incredible.
Which is, as we know, illegal.
186
00:14:50.764 --> 00:14:52.016
And I was wearing…
187
00:14:52.099 --> 00:14:54.768
What's it called when you, like,
don't shave your legs for three months
188
00:14:54.852 --> 00:14:57.938
and then you shave 'em really quick
and there's blood everywhere?
189
00:14:58.981 --> 00:15:00.232
So, I was wearing that.
190
00:15:01.817 --> 00:15:04.236
And we ran into each other,
and he's one of these people
191
00:15:04.320 --> 00:15:06.530
who uses your name in a sentence.
192
00:15:06.614 --> 00:15:07.865
It's like… Whoa.
193
00:15:08.866 --> 00:15:12.536
If you use my name in a sentence,
you need to either fuck me or kill me.
194
00:15:13.287 --> 00:15:15.122
There's no in-between.
195
00:15:15.205 --> 00:15:17.333
On this occasion,
he kind of chose to do neither,
196
00:15:17.416 --> 00:15:19.168
which was, of course, a power move
197
00:15:19.251 --> 00:15:22.504
and not at all related
to how he feels about me.
198
00:15:22.588 --> 00:15:25.215
I'm sorry. I just choked
on my own human tongue.
199
00:15:27.134 --> 00:15:29.011
Breakups are cool. Right?
200
00:15:29.094 --> 00:15:30.054
I'm a guy's girl.
201
00:15:31.639 --> 00:15:32.681
Breakups are cool.
202
00:15:34.767 --> 00:15:36.435
Breakups are freaking sick.
203
00:15:37.937 --> 00:15:38.938
Breakups are cool
204
00:15:39.021 --> 00:15:41.941
because it's like you have
a best friend and then they die.
205
00:15:46.528 --> 00:15:48.572
And then,
instead of going to their funeral,
206
00:15:48.656 --> 00:15:51.033
you go and fuck
a long-haired guy named Randy
207
00:15:51.116 --> 00:15:54.161
in the back seat of a red Mazda
in the parking lot of a water park.
208
00:15:54.244 --> 00:15:55.829
And when you ask him to drive you home,
209
00:15:55.913 --> 00:15:57.581
he goes, "I can't. I'm on shrooms."
210
00:15:57.665 --> 00:16:00.292
What stage of grief is that?
211
00:16:00.376 --> 00:16:02.127
Which one? No. Okay, that's good.
212
00:16:02.211 --> 00:16:03.796
Get back to me on that. I…
213
00:16:04.380 --> 00:16:06.590
I learned a lot from my ex, though.
It's cool.
214
00:16:06.674 --> 00:16:11.095
I never thought, and I'm sorry,
I get choked up when I talk about this.
215
00:16:11.178 --> 00:16:12.972
But, I, um…
216
00:16:13.055 --> 00:16:14.473
Here I go again. He knows.
217
00:16:16.225 --> 00:16:20.771
I never thought
that I could love someone
218
00:16:20.854 --> 00:16:24.733
who can watch an entire movie
while sitting upright in a wooden chair.
219
00:16:29.989 --> 00:16:31.949
But love works in mysterious ways.
220
00:16:32.032 --> 00:16:34.284
I mean, she really, really does.
221
00:16:35.411 --> 00:16:37.454
My ex and I
lived together for three years.
222
00:16:37.538 --> 00:16:40.624
And we actually kept living together
two months after we broke up.
223
00:16:40.708 --> 00:16:43.794
Which is, of course, say it with me,
good for the environment.
224
00:16:44.878 --> 00:16:46.088
Oops, I just ran for office.
225
00:16:46.171 --> 00:16:47.131
Oops, I just won.
226
00:16:49.758 --> 00:16:52.261
Thankfully… Imagine.
227
00:16:54.638 --> 00:16:55.889
No, thank you.
228
00:16:57.474 --> 00:16:58.809
Um…
229
00:17:00.602 --> 00:17:04.148
Whenever… Whenever I think… I'm like,
"Who decides where the streets go?"
230
00:17:06.275 --> 00:17:07.359
I think about that a lot.
231
00:17:07.443 --> 00:17:10.320
And all I think is,
"I am so glad that's not my job."
232
00:17:13.490 --> 00:17:15.534
So, thankfully, I live by myself now.
233
00:17:15.617 --> 00:17:17.411
When I first moved into my own apartment,
234
00:17:17.494 --> 00:17:21.248
I fully developed a,
say it with me, new personality.
235
00:17:22.416 --> 00:17:23.667
I have a lot of new traits now.
236
00:17:23.751 --> 00:17:26.670
I recently went
to a Chipotle at 10:45 a.m.
237
00:17:26.754 --> 00:17:27.755
Doctor's orders.
238
00:17:30.674 --> 00:17:32.009
And when I walked in, I was like…
239
00:17:33.052 --> 00:17:35.054
'Cause I'm cool.
When I walk into Chipotle…
240
00:17:35.137 --> 00:17:37.431
Up here, I'm all… At Chipotle, I get it.
241
00:17:37.514 --> 00:17:38.432
I'm like…
242
00:17:44.563 --> 00:17:46.815
I walk into a Chipotle
and the guy working there…
243
00:17:46.899 --> 00:17:48.901
Yes, a man. Important for the story.
244
00:17:49.651 --> 00:17:50.861
He's like, "What do you want?"
245
00:17:50.944 --> 00:17:54.656
And I'm like, "Okay.
He wants to have raw dog sex with me."
246
00:17:57.201 --> 00:18:02.664
No. I say, "Hello.
I would like a chicken burrito bowl."
247
00:18:02.748 --> 00:18:05.501
"I know guac is extra
and I'll take the hottest sauce."
248
00:18:06.168 --> 00:18:10.255
He goes, "You sure?"
249
00:18:15.177 --> 00:18:17.471
I was like, "Oh, my God."
250
00:18:18.514 --> 00:18:20.432
"Am I sure?"
251
00:18:22.476 --> 00:18:24.144
Mmm…
252
00:18:25.270 --> 00:18:27.272
"I don't know."
253
00:18:27.940 --> 00:18:30.359
"I never thought about that before."
254
00:18:33.570 --> 00:18:36.657
"I don't think about
big boy questions like that."
255
00:18:38.158 --> 00:18:40.869
"I'm just a little girly."
256
00:18:40.953 --> 00:18:44.039
"I think about
little girly things like earrings."
257
00:18:44.873 --> 00:18:47.626
"And shoes. I don't know
about big boy stuff like that."
258
00:18:47.709 --> 00:18:49.878
"I'm just a little baby with titties."
259
00:18:52.381 --> 00:18:54.550
Oh, I'm sorry.
I just completely blacked out.
260
00:18:54.633 --> 00:18:55.676
Did I do something?
261
00:18:57.469 --> 00:18:59.179
Wait, did I say something annoying?
262
00:19:02.599 --> 00:19:04.309
I don't think we should kill all the men.
263
00:19:04.393 --> 00:19:05.227
Hold for applause.
264
00:19:05.310 --> 00:19:08.772
But I don't think men
should be allowed to make movies.
265
00:19:11.608 --> 00:19:15.946
Superhero movies are so boring
I could melt into the Earth.
266
00:19:17.281 --> 00:19:19.658
I don't care about movies
that are about, like,
267
00:19:20.742 --> 00:19:21.577
sand…
268
00:19:25.289 --> 00:19:26.790
or rope,
269
00:19:27.833 --> 00:19:28.750
or space.
270
00:19:28.834 --> 00:19:33.130
The only kind of movies I want to watch
are where a woman looks at herself
271
00:19:33.213 --> 00:19:36.508
in her medicine cabinet mirror and says…
272
00:19:37.843 --> 00:19:39.219
"Hello, stranger."
273
00:19:41.805 --> 00:19:43.932
That's kind of the genre
that works for me.
274
00:19:45.184 --> 00:19:48.520
That being said, I do wanna be
the first person in a Marvel movie
275
00:19:48.604 --> 00:19:50.230
who's never seen a Marvel movie.
276
00:19:50.314 --> 00:19:52.983
So, DM me.
277
00:19:54.735 --> 00:19:55.736
You know, it's sad.
278
00:19:55.819 --> 00:19:59.198
I do have a hard time
with men, but even I…
279
00:19:59.281 --> 00:20:02.701
Even I can't resist.
280
00:20:03.744 --> 00:20:05.245
Even I get a bit horny this…
281
00:20:06.955 --> 00:20:07.873
…time of year.
282
00:21:56.023 --> 00:21:57.274
Brr.
283
00:22:20.714 --> 00:22:21.548
Good night.
284
00:22:21.631 --> 00:22:23.759
- Ooh.
285
00:22:27.471 --> 00:22:30.390
Okay. I feel so randomly safe
with y'all. So comfortable.
286
00:22:30.474 --> 00:22:31.767
Family, family, family.
287
00:22:31.850 --> 00:22:34.269
I can reveal now,
at this point in the program…
288
00:22:36.271 --> 00:22:39.775
In high school, my nickname was Critter.
289
00:22:39.858 --> 00:22:42.277
I think 'cause
I'm conventionally attractive and…
290
00:22:44.696 --> 00:22:47.741
I didn't love it because Critter
was shortened to "Crit."
291
00:22:47.908 --> 00:22:49.284
To me, that sounded a lot like "Clit."
292
00:22:49.367 --> 00:22:52.079
And I was like, "What's happening
with my one life?" But…
293
00:22:53.830 --> 00:22:55.624
Honestly, now, like,
294
00:22:56.333 --> 00:22:57.709
I am a lot like a clit.
295
00:22:59.711 --> 00:23:00.962
I'm extremely sensitive,
296
00:23:01.630 --> 00:23:02.964
I love to be touched,
297
00:23:03.882 --> 00:23:06.510
and straight guys just don't know
what to do with me.
298
00:23:07.719 --> 00:23:09.346
Sometimes they want to fuck me,
299
00:23:09.429 --> 00:23:11.848
and sometimes they think
I'm like a fun aunt
300
00:23:11.932 --> 00:23:13.225
'cause my energy is like…
301
00:23:15.018 --> 00:23:17.479
And I'm always at restaurants
moaning along
302
00:23:17.562 --> 00:23:20.816
when the waiter tells me the specials.
I'm always like, "Mmm, risotto."
303
00:23:21.900 --> 00:23:26.029
Mmm. 'Cause it's always
a mushroom risotto. Fuck yes!
304
00:23:26.613 --> 00:23:28.448
- Whoo!
- Wow!
305
00:23:28.532 --> 00:23:32.369
That mushroom risotto joke
is an absolute banger.
306
00:23:32.452 --> 00:23:33.954
Um…
307
00:23:34.037 --> 00:23:36.164
Thank you so much. Have a great night. No.
308
00:23:36.873 --> 00:23:39.167
You wish. You sick fucks.
309
00:23:39.876 --> 00:23:41.878
But I got more to give.
310
00:23:42.546 --> 00:23:46.216
I actually was supposed to go to
my ten-year high school reunion recently.
311
00:23:46.299 --> 00:23:47.884
But I couldn't go because I was, um,
312
00:23:48.677 --> 00:23:50.804
jerking off on the floor of my apartment.
313
00:23:50.887 --> 00:23:52.514
"Why the floor? Why the floor?
Why the floor?"
314
00:23:52.597 --> 00:23:55.684
I was too lazy to close the window curtain
that looks into the bed.
315
00:23:55.767 --> 00:23:57.310
So, I was like, "Floor it is."
316
00:23:58.228 --> 00:23:59.771
And I think everyone here knows,
317
00:23:59.855 --> 00:24:02.566
but I do actually have
a mirrored armoire in my bedroom.
318
00:24:02.649 --> 00:24:04.192
If you don't know what an armoire is,
319
00:24:04.276 --> 00:24:06.611
now would be an awesome time
to leave the show.
320
00:24:07.904 --> 00:24:09.030
Thank you.
321
00:24:10.240 --> 00:24:11.449
Bye.
322
00:24:13.034 --> 00:24:14.369
So I'm jerking off on the floor.
323
00:24:14.452 --> 00:24:16.538
And the way I do it is
beached-whale style,
324
00:24:16.621 --> 00:24:19.499
which means I just lay on my hand
and away.
325
00:24:20.876 --> 00:24:23.503
And when I looked up
into my mirrored armoire,
326
00:24:23.587 --> 00:24:26.173
I saw something I really
wouldn't wish on anyone.
327
00:24:27.674 --> 00:24:29.217
I saw…
328
00:24:30.802 --> 00:24:35.307
in its organic, hardy,
grass-fed, natural state…
329
00:24:36.266 --> 00:24:37.559
my O face.
330
00:24:38.768 --> 00:24:42.689
Without the performance of sex,
the pressure of another,
331
00:24:42.772 --> 00:24:46.568
I saw what I looked like
when I cum, which is…
332
00:25:00.123 --> 00:25:02.792
So, when I cum,
this is actually my O face.
333
00:25:07.839 --> 00:25:09.257
I don't want to be like this.
334
00:25:10.133 --> 00:25:14.054
By the way, if my face was symmetrical,
I would not be up here doing this shit.
335
00:25:14.721 --> 00:25:16.765
Goes without saying,
I don't want to be this way.
336
00:25:16.848 --> 00:25:19.351
I want to be the kind of girl
who just wears jeans.
337
00:25:21.228 --> 00:25:24.022
I wish I could do…
You know when people do that?
338
00:25:24.105 --> 00:25:26.107
I can't jump even a little.
339
00:25:26.191 --> 00:25:29.152
This is literally me
jumping as high as I can.
340
00:25:32.572 --> 00:25:35.200
I wish I could be
the kind of girl who's like…
341
00:25:35.283 --> 00:25:37.369
Sometimes people's legs go up.
342
00:25:38.161 --> 00:25:41.623
I want to be the kind of girl
who just doesn't like the taste of beer.
343
00:25:42.165 --> 00:25:44.793
The kind of girl who can save
half a sandwich for later.
344
00:25:46.169 --> 00:25:48.964
The kind of girl
who can go into a coffee shop
345
00:25:49.047 --> 00:25:51.258
and just stare at sheet music.
346
00:25:54.511 --> 00:25:57.264
Just clutch it
and stare at it and be like,
347
00:25:58.056 --> 00:25:59.099
"I get this."
348
00:26:01.601 --> 00:26:05.563
I want to be the kind of woman
who's out to lunch with friends,
349
00:26:05.647 --> 00:26:08.108
she's draped in silks,
draped in silks, draped in silks.
350
00:26:08.942 --> 00:26:12.070
The restaurant, of course,
white tablecloth, white tablecloth.
351
00:26:12.904 --> 00:26:15.991
And she starts to laugh because
she remembers something funny,
352
00:26:16.074 --> 00:26:17.575
a memory maybe.
353
00:26:19.494 --> 00:26:21.830
But before she does, she stops herself.
354
00:26:22.622 --> 00:26:23.456
She says…
355
00:26:26.710 --> 00:26:28.128
"I was in love once."
356
00:26:30.255 --> 00:26:32.048
So that's the kind of girl I want to be.
357
00:26:33.758 --> 00:26:36.303
- But I have career goals too.
- Whoo!
358
00:26:36.386 --> 00:26:37.929
Girl boss.
359
00:26:38.013 --> 00:26:40.223
Um, I really, really… And this is serious.
360
00:26:40.307 --> 00:26:43.518
This is off the record.
I really want to wear a bonnet on screen.
361
00:26:44.269 --> 00:26:45.854
Does anyone have one?
362
00:26:46.855 --> 00:26:49.107
I have such a face for hats.
363
00:26:49.190 --> 00:26:52.110
I have the world's roundest face.
Thank you.
364
00:26:52.193 --> 00:26:53.820
No. Don't all stand up at once.
365
00:26:53.903 --> 00:26:55.989
I really want to wear a bonnet
on screen. Um…
366
00:26:56.072 --> 00:26:58.658
And then my second career goal is
I want to be in a film
367
00:26:58.742 --> 00:27:00.660
where I'm going on a first date,
368
00:27:00.744 --> 00:27:03.204
and as I'm kissing my suitor goodnight,
369
00:27:03.288 --> 00:27:05.582
I close the door shut to my apartment,
370
00:27:05.665 --> 00:27:07.917
and then I turn around and I just…
371
00:27:11.338 --> 00:27:15.133
Yes. I slide against that door.
372
00:27:16.593 --> 00:27:20.430
I hooked up with a guy I met
on a first date once 'cause I'm a slut.
373
00:27:20.513 --> 00:27:21.681
Take back the word.
374
00:27:22.891 --> 00:27:27.520
And mid-moment, he was like,
"Oh, yeah. I love that fat, fat ass."
375
00:27:27.604 --> 00:27:28.730
And I was like…
376
00:27:31.191 --> 00:27:33.193
"Maybe one fat was enough."
377
00:27:35.111 --> 00:27:38.907
I do. I do. I… I know.
378
00:27:38.990 --> 00:27:41.868
I gravely want to be thin
because of society.
379
00:27:46.623 --> 00:27:49.000
Because thin privilege is real.
380
00:27:49.876 --> 00:27:52.170
If you're thin…
This is my ideal body type.
381
00:27:54.130 --> 00:27:58.218
If you're thin, you can be famous
for smoking a cigarette and looking sad.
382
00:27:59.969 --> 00:28:04.015
If you're fat and there's a photo of you
smoking a cigarette and looking sad,
383
00:28:04.099 --> 00:28:06.184
it's a campaign for something.
384
00:28:07.018 --> 00:28:09.479
It's some D.A.R.E. shit.
You know what I mean?
385
00:28:11.064 --> 00:28:12.857
But mostly I want to be thin so I can wear
386
00:28:12.941 --> 00:28:14.818
whatever clothes I want, whenever I want.
387
00:28:14.901 --> 00:28:19.364
Because, as we all know,
women's clothing sizes are totally fucked.
388
00:28:19.447 --> 00:28:21.074
And that's what this song's about.
389
00:30:14.646 --> 00:30:15.855
Bridge!
390
00:30:38.169 --> 00:30:39.212
Mosh pit me.
391
00:30:40.255 --> 00:30:41.089
Mosh me.
392
00:30:42.257 --> 00:30:43.091
Mosh me.
393
00:30:44.759 --> 00:30:46.302
Mosh pit me.
394
00:31:18.251 --> 00:31:21.588
They won't say that,
but they'll mean that.
395
00:31:21.671 --> 00:31:22.922
You know what I mean?
396
00:31:37.979 --> 00:31:41.357
I'll see a person. I'll say,
"Oh, my God. Is that person okay?"
397
00:31:41.441 --> 00:31:42.775
"Is that person okay?"
398
00:31:42.859 --> 00:31:45.987
"That person's so small."
399
00:31:46.070 --> 00:31:48.865
My friend will turn to me and say,
"That's a kid. That's all."
400
00:31:48.948 --> 00:31:51.784
"That's a kid. A lot of people have them."
401
00:31:51.868 --> 00:31:54.287
And if you thought about something
other than yourself
402
00:32:33.326 --> 00:32:35.536
Whenever I tell people
I want to lose weight,
403
00:32:35.620 --> 00:32:38.581
they're like, "You should go to the gym."
I'm like, "I know."
404
00:32:39.666 --> 00:32:41.167
For sure.
405
00:32:42.001 --> 00:32:44.837
But whenever I go to the gym
and I see people with abs,
406
00:32:44.921 --> 00:32:47.298
it's like, "Why are you still here?"
407
00:32:49.467 --> 00:32:50.802
"You did it."
408
00:32:52.053 --> 00:32:55.264
Like, "Get a hobby… for once."
409
00:32:56.724 --> 00:32:57.809
I don't know.
410
00:32:57.892 --> 00:33:00.478
I just… I know working out
is good for mental health.
411
00:33:00.561 --> 00:33:03.481
I do suffer from depression,
or as I like to call it,
412
00:33:03.564 --> 00:33:06.985
"Crying because
outside smells like the past."
413
00:33:07.068 --> 00:33:10.029
I love nostalgia. It hurts and feels bad.
414
00:33:10.113 --> 00:33:10.947
Boop.
415
00:33:12.240 --> 00:33:13.449
But when I go to the gym,
416
00:33:13.533 --> 00:33:15.618
I just cannot connect with those people.
417
00:33:15.702 --> 00:33:19.831
If you're someone who uses
and cleans a blender every day,
418
00:33:21.082 --> 00:33:23.042
it's like, "What's really going on?"
419
00:33:24.836 --> 00:33:25.878
What's going on?
420
00:33:27.046 --> 00:33:29.173
If you're someone who signs up for, like,
421
00:33:29.966 --> 00:33:32.510
"mud fuck run."
422
00:33:33.761 --> 00:33:35.930
Or it's like, "We run for a month."
423
00:33:36.014 --> 00:33:39.225
"And you never come home."
It's like, "What is that?"
424
00:33:39.308 --> 00:33:41.436
I just worry about you.
425
00:33:41.519 --> 00:33:46.232
And so… I'm gonna sing this song for you.
426
00:34:09.297 --> 00:34:10.131
Oh.
427
00:36:14.589 --> 00:36:16.591
At this point in the show,
I know you're thinking,
428
00:36:16.674 --> 00:36:19.218
"Okay. So, she's beautiful and talented."
429
00:36:19.302 --> 00:36:21.804
"There's no way that
there's anything up here."
430
00:36:21.888 --> 00:36:26.142
But I'm actually
a brilliant poet and writer.
431
00:36:26.225 --> 00:36:29.145
And so I'm gonna share some of my poetry.
432
00:36:29.228 --> 00:36:32.398
Uh, could you give us a little mood music?
I think that would be good.
433
00:36:32.481 --> 00:36:35.651
- Oh, my God. Wow.
434
00:36:36.819 --> 00:36:37.862
Takes me back.
435
00:36:45.953 --> 00:36:49.248
Sorry. I just thought of something,
but it's for a different show.
436
00:36:51.626 --> 00:36:52.752
Hmm.
437
00:36:54.712 --> 00:36:57.173
"A poem I wrote last night
when I couldn't go to sleep,
438
00:36:57.256 --> 00:37:01.260
because there are no sheets on my bed
because I perioded on my other sheets
439
00:37:01.344 --> 00:37:03.596
and cannot be bothered
to put new ones on."
440
00:37:04.805 --> 00:37:06.557
"I'm sorry I didn't text you back
441
00:37:06.641 --> 00:37:10.853
about borrowing my adult sized tutu
for your sketch comedy show."
442
00:37:10.937 --> 00:37:14.398
"I was on the L train trying to recall how
I knew the guy sitting across from me."
443
00:37:14.482 --> 00:37:17.360
"Turns out it was from sex.
Thank you so much."
444
00:37:17.443 --> 00:37:18.945
So this next poem…
445
00:37:21.030 --> 00:37:22.031
This is called
446
00:37:22.114 --> 00:37:26.202
"Poem I wrote after my therapist got mad
at me for thinking everyone's mad at me."
447
00:37:27.662 --> 00:37:30.581
"I just found out 'dog'
isn't short for something."
448
00:37:30.665 --> 00:37:33.501
"It's actually just called a dog,
which is fine with me."
449
00:37:34.543 --> 00:37:37.046
"I'm in the kitchen, alone.
Which is romantic in a way."
450
00:37:37.129 --> 00:37:39.548
"Anything can be romantic
if you sigh a lot."
451
00:37:39.632 --> 00:37:42.969
"One time, I told this guy I loved him."
He said, "I don't know what love is."
452
00:37:43.052 --> 00:37:45.388
"Anyway, he just got engaged." Thank you.
453
00:37:47.932 --> 00:37:52.061
"Poem I wrote after I masturbated
while wearing AirPods."
454
00:37:52.144 --> 00:37:54.480
It could happen to you, so be vigilant.
455
00:37:56.691 --> 00:38:00.236
"Sometimes, being an adult
means washing your hair."
456
00:38:00.319 --> 00:38:03.656
"Sometimes, the only way to know
if a guy is definitely straight
457
00:38:03.739 --> 00:38:05.616
is if he Instagrams a building."
458
00:38:08.077 --> 00:38:12.081
"Sometimes I feel like if I look at
my phone, I will die or worse, not die."
459
00:38:12.164 --> 00:38:14.709
"It's insane
when you ask someone to give you space
460
00:38:14.792 --> 00:38:15.835
and then they do."
461
00:38:16.877 --> 00:38:18.296
Thank you.
462
00:38:19.213 --> 00:38:21.090
This next poem is called
463
00:38:21.173 --> 00:38:24.677
"A poem I wrote after you told me
your ex is 'actually really cool.'"
464
00:38:26.679 --> 00:38:28.931
"A guy on the street said I looked like
465
00:38:29.015 --> 00:38:31.976
I was studying audio engineering
in school."
466
00:38:34.979 --> 00:38:39.734
"He told me he liked my outfit.
He told me to have a 'cool day.'"
467
00:38:39.817 --> 00:38:42.069
"I'm googling how long a stroke lasts."
468
00:38:45.823 --> 00:38:46.824
Thank you.
469
00:38:46.907 --> 00:38:50.244
"Poem I wrote after you went down on me
and then called me 'dude.'"
470
00:38:55.124 --> 00:38:57.960
"I have a disease where I never
want to get out of the Uber."
471
00:38:58.044 --> 00:39:00.212
"Because then it means
I have to be somewhere."
472
00:39:00.296 --> 00:39:03.007
"For years I've been suffering
from a serious addiction
473
00:39:03.090 --> 00:39:05.718
to Adam Driver
and Jason Schwartzman, even."
474
00:39:05.801 --> 00:39:08.262
"Maybe my crush hasn't texted
because I'm out of town."
475
00:39:08.346 --> 00:39:11.265
"But then again, I never told him
I was going out of town."
476
00:39:13.559 --> 00:39:16.729
"I'm always horny and looking for
somewhere to charge my phone."
477
00:39:17.646 --> 00:39:21.400
"The Paris Review came in the mail today
and I performed reading it."
478
00:39:22.193 --> 00:39:24.236
"I can't write if no one is watching."
479
00:39:24.320 --> 00:39:26.822
"I can't stop checking my pussy
for weird bumps."
480
00:39:26.906 --> 00:39:30.076
"One time I went to the doctor and when
she told me I gained fifteen pounds,
481
00:39:30.159 --> 00:39:33.162
I was like, 'That's a lot.'
And she was just like, 'Yeah.'"
482
00:39:34.663 --> 00:39:35.998
Thank you.
483
00:39:43.964 --> 00:39:47.426
I love sex because it famously
has no consequences.
484
00:39:50.763 --> 00:39:53.933
I was recently at the Newark Airport.
Brag.
485
00:39:55.559 --> 00:39:58.938
And I saw a headline on a magazine.
Vintage.
486
00:40:00.189 --> 00:40:04.068
And it read, "Couple fucks themselves
off side of cliff."
487
00:40:05.236 --> 00:40:06.445
Where were you?
488
00:40:08.114 --> 00:40:09.365
When you found out?
489
00:40:10.449 --> 00:40:11.784
How you were going to die?
490
00:40:12.743 --> 00:40:15.246
Because for me, I was like,
"Oh, that's an option."
491
00:40:18.207 --> 00:40:19.333
I love fuck.
492
00:40:20.668 --> 00:40:23.546
I have some sexual fantasies
I want to share with you all.
493
00:40:23.629 --> 00:40:27.007
My first sexual fantasy is that
I'm in a mahogany room.
494
00:40:27.091 --> 00:40:29.969
Built-in bookcases. Built-in bookcases.
Built-in bookcases.
495
00:40:30.052 --> 00:40:32.304
And I'm sitting in
a velvet wingback chair.
496
00:40:32.388 --> 00:40:35.808
And I put my ring finger to my temple
and I just say, "Ugh.
497
00:40:36.892 --> 00:40:38.769
I worry. I do."
498
00:40:42.064 --> 00:40:43.691
And then my other sexual fantasy
499
00:40:44.650 --> 00:40:47.069
is that he makes me cum, damn it.
500
00:40:47.653 --> 00:40:51.490
Am I right, ladies? Is that a lot to ask?
Honey, I'm looking for a guy tall enough
501
00:40:51.574 --> 00:40:54.076
that I don't have to get on my knees
when I want to blow him.
502
00:40:54.160 --> 00:40:56.704
That's right. I want to stand up,
dick should be here.
503
00:40:58.330 --> 00:41:00.958
I hooked up with…
504
00:41:02.626 --> 00:41:07.381
I hooked up with this guy I met at a bar
because I'm brave, and he was like,
505
00:41:07.465 --> 00:41:11.635
"I actually biked to this bar.
I can bike us back to my place."
506
00:41:11.719 --> 00:41:13.596
"You can ride on my pegs."
507
00:41:13.679 --> 00:41:15.598
And I was like,
"Absolutely not."
508
00:41:18.184 --> 00:41:21.228
He was like,
"No. it's okay. It can hold 120 pounds."
509
00:41:21.312 --> 00:41:25.733
And I was like, "Okay, you don't know
what math is. You are my type."
510
00:41:27.610 --> 00:41:30.362
I just feel like it's like
every chubby girl's nightmare
511
00:41:30.446 --> 00:41:32.823
to be carried in a playful way.
512
00:41:34.116 --> 00:41:37.077
Like, I'm pretty sure when I was born,
the nurse, like, picked me up
513
00:41:37.161 --> 00:41:40.873
and handed me to my mom, and I was like,
"It's okay. You can put me down."
514
00:41:43.709 --> 00:41:44.793
It's sad.
515
00:41:45.878 --> 00:41:50.007
After I slept with him, I woke up with a,
say it with me, bump on my pussy.
516
00:41:50.090 --> 00:41:52.551
Just lucky, I guess. Foot pop, j'adore.
517
00:41:53.469 --> 00:41:56.847
And I was like, "Great. I need to
reach out to my gynecologist about this."
518
00:41:56.931 --> 00:42:00.309
So, I had to access her through,
say it with me, The Portal.
519
00:42:01.977 --> 00:42:02.811
I'm s…
520
00:42:02.895 --> 00:42:06.565
Why are doctors
absolutely, clinically addicted
521
00:42:06.649 --> 00:42:09.026
to making you enter through a portal?
It's like…
522
00:42:09.109 --> 00:42:10.569
"I'm here."
523
00:42:11.570 --> 00:42:14.823
It's like, "Can I just get an email or…"
They want you to be like…
524
00:42:16.158 --> 00:42:20.496
They want you to be full Narnia vibes
to talk to them about your broken pussy.
525
00:42:20.579 --> 00:42:23.332
A portal? Oh, my God. What year is it?
526
00:42:24.124 --> 00:42:25.834
Okay. I don't… I hate sci-fi.
527
00:42:26.835 --> 00:42:29.004
There's enough…
There's enough stuff here…
528
00:42:30.464 --> 00:42:32.633
that's really interesting.
529
00:42:32.716 --> 00:42:36.387
We don't have to… We don't have to…
I don't need anything with wings.
530
00:42:37.680 --> 00:42:39.139
Bitch, I have 'em.
531
00:42:40.432 --> 00:42:42.601
Oh, my God. So, I was like,
532
00:42:42.685 --> 00:42:45.729
"I need to take a picture of this
to send to my gynecologist."
533
00:42:45.813 --> 00:42:47.398
So, I went into my studio,
534
00:42:47.481 --> 00:42:51.193
which is obviously an empty room
with a full-size mattress on the floor.
535
00:42:51.277 --> 00:42:52.945
And I took out my camera,
536
00:42:53.028 --> 00:42:55.155
which is obviously
an iPhone rose gold Plus
537
00:42:55.239 --> 00:42:57.366
with a cracked screen, 'cause I'm fun.
538
00:42:58.826 --> 00:43:03.080
Spread my lips and I took an image.
539
00:43:05.666 --> 00:43:07.293
I wish that were the end of the story.
540
00:43:09.753 --> 00:43:11.005
I'm going to do a lap.
541
00:43:12.131 --> 00:43:14.466
When I looked at that image, um…
542
00:43:15.175 --> 00:43:16.552
Are you okay to hear this?
543
00:43:17.845 --> 00:43:18.679
Ally.
544
00:43:20.598 --> 00:43:24.393
Feminist ally. When I looked at the image,
545
00:43:24.476 --> 00:43:27.187
it was one of the most
harrowing things I've ever seen.
546
00:43:29.857 --> 00:43:32.568
One, I used flash. Rookie mistake.
547
00:43:33.902 --> 00:43:36.822
Two, I didn't understand
the reach of my camera.
548
00:43:36.905 --> 00:43:38.991
So, when I looked at the picture,
549
00:43:39.074 --> 00:43:42.661
I didn't only see my spread pussy lips,
which I expected.
550
00:43:42.745 --> 00:43:47.875
But, in the background, I saw what can
only be described as my dead-eyed face.
551
00:43:52.296 --> 00:43:54.465
No expression.
Just a corpse's head, really.
552
00:43:54.548 --> 00:43:56.508
So, I had to crop that out
for legal reasons.
553
00:43:56.592 --> 00:43:57.676
And when I sent it to my gyne,
554
00:43:57.760 --> 00:43:59.762
she was like,
"There's nothing wrong with you."
555
00:43:59.845 --> 00:44:02.348
I know there's a long history
of doctors not believing women,
556
00:44:02.431 --> 00:44:05.017
but in my case,
doctors shouldn't believe me because
557
00:44:05.100 --> 00:44:07.519
I'm what many medical professionals
have called
558
00:44:07.603 --> 00:44:10.064
a dumbass bitch. Thank you to my fans.
559
00:44:12.232 --> 00:44:13.984
But it was stressful. Oh, my God.
560
00:44:14.068 --> 00:44:16.445
And the thing about stress
561
00:44:16.528 --> 00:44:19.156
is that when you're stressed
in New York City,
562
00:44:19.239 --> 00:44:20.991
there's only one place to go.
563
00:45:12.167 --> 00:45:13.877
Oh!
564
00:45:13.961 --> 00:45:15.963
Ooh, look at all the trees,
I'm worldbuilding.
565
00:45:16.630 --> 00:45:17.840
Look at all those trees.
566
00:45:18.465 --> 00:45:19.299
Wow.
567
00:47:04.613 --> 00:47:05.906
He was so tall.
568
00:47:23.882 --> 00:47:25.133
Help. Help. Spin. Fuck!
569
00:48:55.265 --> 00:48:57.184
Hide your boners, boys.
570
00:48:57.267 --> 00:49:01.480
I have a hormone disorder in my ovaries.
571
00:49:02.648 --> 00:49:04.983
Okay. Everyone's rock-hard in the crowd.
572
00:49:06.526 --> 00:49:09.821
I have polycystic ovarian syndrome, PCOS,
573
00:49:09.905 --> 00:49:11.531
or "Pecos" for cute. Boop, boop, boop.
574
00:49:15.160 --> 00:49:18.413
Everything online about women's health
is like, "We don't know."
575
00:49:20.207 --> 00:49:22.584
I get really bad migraines
with visual auras.
576
00:49:22.668 --> 00:49:25.170
Which means I'm inherently interesting.
577
00:49:25.796 --> 00:49:27.964
And when you ask a doctor,
"What are migraines?"
578
00:49:28.048 --> 00:49:29.341
They're all just like…
579
00:49:30.967 --> 00:49:32.719
So I have PCOS.
580
00:49:32.803 --> 00:49:34.471
Let me tell you about PCOS.
581
00:49:34.554 --> 00:49:36.765
It's honestly iconic. Um…
582
00:49:37.516 --> 00:49:40.519
The symptoms are one, you're fat.
No, stop. Two,
583
00:49:41.019 --> 00:49:43.438
you are losing hair on your head,
584
00:49:43.522 --> 00:49:46.149
but, three, you have hair on your face,
and four, you have acne.
585
00:49:46.233 --> 00:49:47.776
So, it's sort of this, like,
586
00:49:47.859 --> 00:49:49.861
waking nightmare
in which you're both young
587
00:49:49.945 --> 00:49:52.072
and old at the same time.
588
00:49:52.155 --> 00:49:54.116
It's like that optical illusion
589
00:49:54.199 --> 00:49:57.661
where the young woman's looking away
and the old woman's looking down.
590
00:50:00.539 --> 00:50:05.210
But in this case, it's just you
looking at yourself in the mirror
591
00:50:05.293 --> 00:50:08.380
thinking, "Maybe God isn't a woman."
592
00:50:11.717 --> 00:50:14.886
But if she is, I want to meet her.
593
00:50:14.970 --> 00:50:18.724
Um, if I have to die,
which I'm not super interested in,
594
00:50:18.807 --> 00:50:21.476
I know that, literally, on my death bed,
595
00:50:21.560 --> 00:50:24.604
I'll be, like, surrounded
by millions of loved ones.
596
00:50:24.688 --> 00:50:27.190
And in my last dying breath
I'll be like…
597
00:50:32.487 --> 00:50:35.282
"Does my hair look better
598
00:50:35.365 --> 00:50:39.911
half up or full down?"
599
00:50:41.037 --> 00:50:43.749
Those are a hundy p
gonna be my last words.
600
00:50:44.624 --> 00:50:47.335
How I really want to die is
hosting a fabulous dinner party.
601
00:50:47.419 --> 00:50:49.713
Twelve people. Yeah.
My apartment in my fantasy
602
00:50:49.796 --> 00:50:51.673
you can have a table that that's big.
603
00:50:51.757 --> 00:50:53.258
That's that's big.
604
00:50:53.341 --> 00:50:54.801
That's that big.
605
00:50:54.885 --> 00:50:56.678
Hard to say, easy to write.
606
00:50:56.762 --> 00:50:57.846
Came to me like that.
607
00:51:00.640 --> 00:51:01.975
Ooh.
608
00:51:02.058 --> 00:51:03.310
J'adore. I can't…
609
00:51:03.393 --> 00:51:05.854
I literally don't know
a single word of French.
610
00:51:05.937 --> 00:51:07.272
English, I can do.
611
00:51:07.355 --> 00:51:12.944
Oh, my God. I once was studying abroad,
'cause I'm so interesting.
612
00:51:13.028 --> 00:51:14.988
And I was studying abroad
613
00:51:15.071 --> 00:51:19.618
and I was out clubbing
with these, like, hot Italian guys.
614
00:51:20.285 --> 00:51:22.954
And they were like…
They were like,
615
00:51:23.038 --> 00:51:25.332
"Your English is really good."
616
00:51:28.543 --> 00:51:31.463
And I was like, "Mm-hmm."
617
00:51:31.546 --> 00:51:35.091
At first I was like,
"It's the only language I speak."
618
00:51:36.009 --> 00:51:38.303
But then I thought about it
and I was like,
619
00:51:39.179 --> 00:51:40.597
"My English is really good."
620
00:51:44.017 --> 00:51:46.520
And what's so bad
about taking a compliment?
621
00:51:47.604 --> 00:51:50.315
Especially as women.
Especially in this industry.
622
00:51:50.398 --> 00:51:52.359
We have to learn to stop apologizing
623
00:51:52.442 --> 00:51:55.278
and just say,
"Yeah. My English is really good."
624
00:51:59.491 --> 00:52:01.952
So, how I want to die
is I'm at this dinner party
625
00:52:02.035 --> 00:52:04.913
and everyone's having
their own bottle of wine,
626
00:52:04.996 --> 00:52:07.249
and that's normal and fine
and no one notices.
627
00:52:08.208 --> 00:52:12.128
And then the person next to me goes,
"Oh, my God. I love that painting."
628
00:52:12.212 --> 00:52:14.422
And I say, "Oh, thank you.
My friend painted that."
629
00:52:14.506 --> 00:52:17.425
And then later in the evening,
I'm lying in bed with my lover.
630
00:52:17.509 --> 00:52:19.928
And he looks to me and he says,
"What's wrong?"
631
00:52:20.011 --> 00:52:23.139
And I say, "You know, I just…"
632
00:52:23.223 --> 00:52:27.394
"I feel a kind of longing
that resembles sadness
633
00:52:27.477 --> 00:52:30.939
only in the way that mist resembles rain."
634
00:52:31.022 --> 00:52:32.357
And then I expire.
635
00:52:37.112 --> 00:52:38.947
And he's like,
"Was that a Wordsworth poem?"
636
00:52:39.030 --> 00:52:42.117
And I'm like, "I think it was Longfellow.
Can't remember."
637
00:52:42.951 --> 00:52:44.536
From beyond.
638
00:52:44.619 --> 00:52:47.247
From the beyond
we argue about who wrote that line.
639
00:52:47.330 --> 00:52:48.832
Um, goals.
640
00:52:50.000 --> 00:52:52.919
I am in love right now,
as insane as that sounds.
641
00:52:54.838 --> 00:52:55.839
I know.
642
00:52:56.506 --> 00:53:01.803
And the only way I'll be single again
is if he gets hit by a bus, which is…
643
00:53:01.887 --> 00:53:04.931
For some reason, I'm like,
"That's such a common way to die."
644
00:53:06.600 --> 00:53:07.475
Is it?
645
00:53:08.560 --> 00:53:10.186
Okay. Now, I'm living in fear…
646
00:53:11.396 --> 00:53:12.856
for the first time ever.
647
00:53:14.524 --> 00:53:16.776
If I have to be single again,
that'd be a disaster.
648
00:53:16.860 --> 00:53:20.822
But in the meantime, I wrote this anthem
for anyone out there who is single,
649
00:53:20.906 --> 00:53:22.198
who is looking for love,
650
00:53:22.282 --> 00:53:23.658
because I want love.
651
00:53:23.742 --> 00:53:25.327
Because, well,
652
00:53:25.410 --> 00:53:26.661
I want everything.
653
00:56:04.611 --> 00:56:06.362
I don't think she knows what it means.
654
00:56:06.446 --> 00:56:08.782
She also told me I look like Jared Leto.
Different story.
655
00:58:22.081 --> 00:58:23.333
- Ugh.
656
00:59:19.430 --> 00:59:21.224
Thank you. Good night.
657
00:59:35.947 --> 00:59:38.199
- Whoo!