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Downloaded from
YTS.MX
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Official YIFY movies site:
YTS.MX
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I'm Catherine and I dance very beautiful!
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- Hey, Catherine.
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No pictures. No pictures. No pictures.
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Well, I'm just gonna walk into the TV.
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- You are?
- Yeah.
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- That's magic.
- I know.
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I feel completely insane,
but I look literally stunning.
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- That's five.
- Yes. Thank you, Knock.
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Thank you, Five.
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Thank you…
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Hello, New York City.
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Welcome to Joe's Pub.
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Please give a thunderous,
warm welcome to Catherine Cohen.
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Seriously.
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Stop. I'm shy.
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Oh, my God.
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I have an amazing voice.
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- Wow.
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Look at me
doing comedy in a rhinestone romper.
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Against all odds.
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Bet you're wondering how I got here.
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Well, baby, I'll tell you.
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Hey!
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Whoo!
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"Gimme my hat back."
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I don't have one.
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I don't have a car. Lunge out.
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Seriously, please.
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White boot.
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Hit my clit.
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Yeah. Bridge.
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Help! Spin. Okay.
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- Give it up.
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Seriously, please.
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Hair flip.
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I'm unwell.
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Big finish. Ready? Hey.
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Give it up for Henry Koperski on the keys.
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So, welcome to heaven.
This my show.
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You look at me,
you think, "Okay. She has it all."
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And it's true.
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I do. Ooh.
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I'm young. Oh.
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I'm gorgeous. Ooh.
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But, just this morning,
I had one sip of cold brew
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and ruined my only butthole.
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Stars, they're just like us.
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I am so happy to be
doing this in New York City.
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Mmm!
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New York City, where I,
for lack of a better term,
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do actually "live."
54
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The other day,
I was dry-swallowing my birth control pill
55
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as I Citi Biked up the Williamsburg Bridge
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and I was like, "Oh, my God.
I guess I am the voice of my generation."
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And it's exhausting,
but someone has to do it.
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I'm sorry…
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Oh, I'm sorry.
I literally can't stop creating content.
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If this gets too tall,
I will try to fuck it.
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So we have to…
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She has a type.
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I recently quit my job
because I couldn't wake up and go there.
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Does that resonate with anyone?
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Yeah.
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So, now I've been doing
a lot of lying on my bed,
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just kind of waiting for the retweet,
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that'll
turn it all around.
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Social media is perfect,
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'cause you can watch
people you barely know
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sort of unravel in real time.
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Which I absolutely foot pop j'adore.
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No, jealousy is cool,
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'cause it's like swallowing
a house that you just set on fire.
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Not to be this bitch,
but a pandemic, colon?
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Not what I had in mind.
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So ran… Literally, so random.
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I was like,
"I did not know this was an option."
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I was way more concerned with things
just falling on my head.
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There's a lot of stuff that's up.
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And here I am beneath.
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But a pandemic is what we ultimately got.
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Which was rock and roll, normal and cool.
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The last year was absolutely exquisite.
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I gained a lot of weight
over the last year,
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which isn't good or bad.
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It isn't good or bad. Not…
It isn't good or bad.
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So, it isn't good or bad to gain weight
because isn't good or bad.
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And can you tell
I had therapy two times this week?
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Yes.
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Oh, my God.
A standing ovation so early in the show.
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I did not see that coming.
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Um, but it's cool.
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One perk of gaining weight
is that, obviously, my tits got huge.
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If you didn't notice,
it's because you hate women.
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My tits got big enough that I can now,
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like all the great poets
who came before me,
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titty fuck my boyfriend.
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Thank you. Thank you.
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No, no. And that's not why I do it.
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I don't like being the girl who's like,
"My boyfriend, my boyfriend,"
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I feel like girls who are like,
"My boyfriend, my boyfriend,"
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are the same kind of girls who are like,
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"There is actually
too much sugar in fruit."
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"So, for me, it's a dessert."
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And then their mouth goes
all the way around their face.
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But I can officially titty fuck my…
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Don't you sometimes wish
there were different words for things?
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But now my tits are big enough
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that I can wrap 'em
'round my boyfriend's cock.
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Did you think…
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Be honest. Did you think you'd hear
"cock" this early in the show?
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Cock is such a porny word.
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I famously love porn,
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if my boyfriend tells me
the girl looks like me.
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Otherwise, it is bad for women.
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And that's just
where I stand on that issue.
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So, I was, for the last time,
titty fucking my boyfriend.
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Humble brag. And…
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when he came…
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Yeah.
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Could hear a freaking pin drop.
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When he came,
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he made a sound I've never heard before.
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And I was like, "Okay.
I'm a sex goddess."
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I turn to him, I say…
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"How was that for you?"
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And he goes,
"It was actually almost painful."
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Um, feminist win much?
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Yes. I'm doing the work.
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Oh, there's such a good energy in here. I…
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- You're family.
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I love. I love.
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What a summer.
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It's been a time.
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I hate the summer.
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All I've ever done in a bikini is sob.
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But one thing I love about summer,
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I have to say,
is those hot, hot summer anthems.
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So, if the DJ could just drop
that track real quick, that'd be sick.
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I'm really more
of a dancer than a comedian.
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Dancer first, choreographer second,
model third, comedian fourth.
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Shh. Let me do my thing.
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Yes!
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Bridge.
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Step ball change.
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Yes!
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Um, I think everyone has heard by now,
but I want to be up front about this.
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I have some exciting news.
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I…
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recently read a book.
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Thank you. Thank you.
I love you.
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I have a rare disease
where if I read a book,
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the whole time
I'm looking at it, I'm like,
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"Look at you. Reading a book."
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"You stupid, stupid slut."
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Just 'cause I don't like to read,
write, argue or be alone,
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doesn't mean I'm not an intellectual.
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That's my crowd work.
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I actually won
a very prestigious award lately.
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Hold for applause.
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I won an award for leaving my home
without my phone for 42 minutes.
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Yeah. Thank you.
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And, no, and that's not why I do it.
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And that's not why I do it.
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When I did that,
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I had what critics and fans alike
are calling "a lady in a movie moment."
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"What's that? What's that? What could
that possibly be? What is that?"
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So, "a lady in a movie moment"
is when something happens to you
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that might happen to a lady in a movie.
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So, for example,
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if you, um… if you check the mail
with your little key…
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Lady in a movie.
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00:14:16,230 --> 00:14:19,733
If you hold a baguette…
If you're even near a baguette…
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00:14:21,569 --> 00:14:23,654
Lady in a movie.
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00:14:24,864 --> 00:14:28,200
And if you, say it with me,
run into your ex on the street,
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that is full-blown, hundy p,
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- lady in a…
- Lady in a movie.
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Thank you.
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00:14:34,331 --> 00:14:35,416
Oh!
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It feels good to be at home.
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So, I did recently, like a cartoon,
have a lady in a movie moment.
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I ran into my ex on the street.
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00:14:45,009 --> 00:14:47,261
And he was wearing a suit.
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00:14:47,344 --> 00:14:49,972
He looked incredible.
Which is, as we know, illegal.
186
00:14:50,764 --> 00:14:52,016
And I was wearing…
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What's it called when you, like,
don't shave your legs for three months
188
00:14:54,852 --> 00:14:57,938
and then you shave 'em really quick
and there's blood everywhere?
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So, I was wearing that.
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And we ran into each other,
and he's one of these people
191
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who uses your name in a sentence.
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It's like… Whoa.
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If you use my name in a sentence,
you need to either fuck me or kill me.
194
00:15:13,287 --> 00:15:15,122
There's no in-between.
195
00:15:15,205 --> 00:15:17,333
On this occasion,
he kind of chose to do neither,
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which was, of course, a power move
197
00:15:19,251 --> 00:15:22,504
and not at all related
to how he feels about me.
198
00:15:22,588 --> 00:15:25,215
I'm sorry. I just choked
on my own human tongue.
199
00:15:27,134 --> 00:15:29,011
Breakups are cool. Right?
200
00:15:29,094 --> 00:15:30,054
I'm a guy's girl.
201
00:15:31,639 --> 00:15:32,681
Breakups are cool.
202
00:15:34,767 --> 00:15:36,435
Breakups are freaking sick.
203
00:15:37,937 --> 00:15:38,938
Breakups are cool
204
00:15:39,021 --> 00:15:41,941
because it's like you have
a best friend and then they die.
205
00:15:46,528 --> 00:15:48,572
And then,
instead of going to their funeral,
206
00:15:48,656 --> 00:15:51,033
you go and fuck
a long-haired guy named Randy
207
00:15:51,116 --> 00:15:54,161
in the back seat of a red Mazda
in the parking lot of a water park.
208
00:15:54,244 --> 00:15:55,829
And when you ask him to drive you home,
209
00:15:55,913 --> 00:15:57,581
he goes, "I can't. I'm on shrooms."
210
00:15:57,665 --> 00:16:00,292
What stage of grief is that?
211
00:16:00,376 --> 00:16:02,127
Which one? No. Okay, that's good.
212
00:16:02,211 --> 00:16:03,796
Get back to me on that. I…
213
00:16:04,380 --> 00:16:06,590
I learned a lot from my ex, though.
It's cool.
214
00:16:06,674 --> 00:16:11,095
I never thought, and I'm sorry,
I get choked up when I talk about this.
215
00:16:11,178 --> 00:16:12,972
But, I, um…
216
00:16:13,055 --> 00:16:14,473
Here I go again. He knows.
217
00:16:16,225 --> 00:16:20,771
I never thought
that I could love someone
218
00:16:20,854 --> 00:16:24,733
who can watch an entire movie
while sitting upright in a wooden chair.
219
00:16:29,989 --> 00:16:31,949
But love works in mysterious ways.
220
00:16:32,032 --> 00:16:34,284
I mean, she really, really does.
221
00:16:35,411 --> 00:16:37,454
My ex and I
lived together for three years.
222
00:16:37,538 --> 00:16:40,624
And we actually kept living together
two months after we broke up.
223
00:16:40,708 --> 00:16:43,794
Which is, of course, say it with me,
good for the environment.
224
00:16:44,878 --> 00:16:46,088
Oops, I just ran for office.
225
00:16:46,171 --> 00:16:47,131
Oops, I just won.
226
00:16:49,758 --> 00:16:52,261
Thankfully… Imagine.
227
00:16:54,638 --> 00:16:55,889
No, thank you.
228
00:16:57,474 --> 00:16:58,809
Um…
229
00:17:00,602 --> 00:17:04,148
Whenever… Whenever I think… I'm like,
"Who decides where the streets go?"
230
00:17:06,275 --> 00:17:07,359
I think about that a lot.
231
00:17:07,443 --> 00:17:10,320
And all I think is,
"I am so glad that's not my job."
232
00:17:13,490 --> 00:17:15,534
So, thankfully, I live by myself now.
233
00:17:15,617 --> 00:17:17,411
When I first moved into my own apartment,
234
00:17:17,494 --> 00:17:21,248
I fully developed a,
say it with me, new personality.
235
00:17:22,416 --> 00:17:23,667
I have a lot of new traits now.
236
00:17:23,751 --> 00:17:26,670
I recently went
to a Chipotle at 10:45 a.m.
237
00:17:26,754 --> 00:17:27,755
Doctor's orders.
238
00:17:30,674 --> 00:17:32,009
And when I walked in, I was like…
239
00:17:33,052 --> 00:17:35,054
'Cause I'm cool.
When I walk into Chipotle…
240
00:17:35,137 --> 00:17:37,431
Up here, I'm all… At Chipotle, I get it.
241
00:17:37,514 --> 00:17:38,432
I'm like…
242
00:17:44,563 --> 00:17:46,815
I walk into a Chipotle
and the guy working there…
243
00:17:46,899 --> 00:17:48,901
Yes, a man. Important for the story.
244
00:17:49,651 --> 00:17:50,861
He's like, "What do you want?"
245
00:17:50,944 --> 00:17:54,656
And I'm like, "Okay.
He wants to have raw dog sex with me."
246
00:17:57,201 --> 00:18:02,664
No. I say, "Hello.
I would like a chicken burrito bowl."
247
00:18:02,748 --> 00:18:05,501
"I know guac is extra
and I'll take the hottest sauce."
248
00:18:06,168 --> 00:18:10,255
He goes, "You sure?"
249
00:18:15,177 --> 00:18:17,471
I was like, "Oh, my God."
250
00:18:18,514 --> 00:18:20,432
"Am I sure?"
251
00:18:22,476 --> 00:18:24,144
Mmm…
252
00:18:25,270 --> 00:18:27,272
"I don't know."
253
00:18:27,940 --> 00:18:30,359
"I never thought about that before."
254
00:18:33,570 --> 00:18:36,657
"I don't think about
big boy questions like that."
255
00:18:38,158 --> 00:18:40,869
"I'm just a little girly."
256
00:18:40,953 --> 00:18:44,039
"I think about
little girly things like earrings."
257
00:18:44,873 --> 00:18:47,626
"And shoes. I don't know
about big boy stuff like that."
258
00:18:47,709 --> 00:18:49,878
"I'm just a little baby with titties."
259
00:18:52,381 --> 00:18:54,550
Oh, I'm sorry.
I just completely blacked out.
260
00:18:54,633 --> 00:18:55,676
Did I do something?
261
00:18:57,469 --> 00:18:59,179
Wait, did I say something annoying?
262
00:19:02,599 --> 00:19:04,309
I don't think we should kill all the men.
263
00:19:04,393 --> 00:19:05,227
Hold for applause.
264
00:19:05,310 --> 00:19:08,772
But I don't think men
should be allowed to make movies.
265
00:19:11,608 --> 00:19:15,946
Superhero movies are so boring
I could melt into the Earth.
266
00:19:17,281 --> 00:19:19,658
I don't care about movies
that are about, like,
267
00:19:20,742 --> 00:19:21,577
sand…
268
00:19:25,289 --> 00:19:26,790
or rope,
269
00:19:27,833 --> 00:19:28,750
or space.
270
00:19:28,834 --> 00:19:33,130
The only kind of movies I want to watch
are where a woman looks at herself
271
00:19:33,213 --> 00:19:36,508
in her medicine cabinet mirror and says…
272
00:19:37,843 --> 00:19:39,219
"Hello, stranger."
273
00:19:41,805 --> 00:19:43,932
That's kind of the genre
that works for me.
274
00:19:45,184 --> 00:19:48,520
That being said, I do wanna be
the first person in a Marvel movie
275
00:19:48,604 --> 00:19:50,230
who's never seen a Marvel movie.
276
00:19:50,314 --> 00:19:52,983
So, DM me.
277
00:19:54,735 --> 00:19:55,736
You know, it's sad.
278
00:19:55,819 --> 00:19:59,198
I do have a hard time
with men, but even I…
279
00:19:59,281 --> 00:20:02,701
Even I can't resist.
280
00:20:03,744 --> 00:20:05,245
Even I get a bit horny this…
281
00:20:06,955 --> 00:20:07,873
…time of year.
282
00:21:56,023 --> 00:21:57,274
Brr.
283
00:22:20,714 --> 00:22:21,548
Good night.
284
00:22:21,631 --> 00:22:23,759
- Ooh.
285
00:22:27,471 --> 00:22:30,390
Okay. I feel so randomly safe
with y'all. So comfortable.
286
00:22:30,474 --> 00:22:31,767
Family, family, family.
287
00:22:31,850 --> 00:22:34,269
I can reveal now,
at this point in the program…
288
00:22:36,271 --> 00:22:39,775
In high school, my nickname was Critter.
289
00:22:39,858 --> 00:22:42,277
I think 'cause
I'm conventionally attractive and…
290
00:22:44,696 --> 00:22:47,741
I didn't love it because Critter
was shortened to "Crit."
291
00:22:47,908 --> 00:22:49,284
To me, that sounded a lot like "Clit."
292
00:22:49,367 --> 00:22:52,079
And I was like, "What's happening
with my one life?" But…
293
00:22:53,830 --> 00:22:55,624
Honestly, now, like,
294
00:22:56,333 --> 00:22:57,709
I am a lot like a clit.
295
00:22:59,711 --> 00:23:00,962
I'm extremely sensitive,
296
00:23:01,630 --> 00:23:02,964
I love to be touched,
297
00:23:03,882 --> 00:23:06,510
and straight guys just don't know
what to do with me.
298
00:23:07,719 --> 00:23:09,346
Sometimes they want to fuck me,
299
00:23:09,429 --> 00:23:11,848
and sometimes they think
I'm like a fun aunt
300
00:23:11,932 --> 00:23:13,225
'cause my energy is like…
301
00:23:15,018 --> 00:23:17,479
And I'm always at restaurants
moaning along
302
00:23:17,562 --> 00:23:20,816
when the waiter tells me the specials.
I'm always like, "Mmm, risotto."
303
00:23:21,900 --> 00:23:26,029
Mmm. 'Cause it's always
a mushroom risotto. Fuck yes!
304
00:23:26,613 --> 00:23:28,448
- Whoo!
- Wow!
305
00:23:28,532 --> 00:23:32,369
That mushroom risotto joke
is an absolute banger.
306
00:23:32,452 --> 00:23:33,954
Um…
307
00:23:34,037 --> 00:23:36,164
Thank you so much. Have a great night. No.
308
00:23:36,873 --> 00:23:39,167
You wish. You sick fucks.
309
00:23:39,876 --> 00:23:41,878
But I got more to give.
310
00:23:42,546 --> 00:23:46,216
I actually was supposed to go to
my ten-year high school reunion recently.
311
00:23:46,299 --> 00:23:47,884
But I couldn't go because I was, um,
312
00:23:48,677 --> 00:23:50,804
jerking off on the floor of my apartment.
313
00:23:50,887 --> 00:23:52,514
"Why the floor? Why the floor?
Why the floor?"
314
00:23:52,597 --> 00:23:55,684
I was too lazy to close the window curtain
that looks into the bed.
315
00:23:55,767 --> 00:23:57,310
So, I was like, "Floor it is."
316
00:23:58,228 --> 00:23:59,771
And I think everyone here knows,
317
00:23:59,855 --> 00:24:02,566
but I do actually have
a mirrored armoire in my bedroom.
318
00:24:02,649 --> 00:24:04,192
If you don't know what an armoire is,
319
00:24:04,276 --> 00:24:06,611
now would be an awesome time
to leave the show.
320
00:24:07,904 --> 00:24:09,030
Thank you.
321
00:24:10,240 --> 00:24:11,449
Bye.
322
00:24:13,034 --> 00:24:14,369
So I'm jerking off on the floor.
323
00:24:14,452 --> 00:24:16,538
And the way I do it is
beached-whale style,
324
00:24:16,621 --> 00:24:19,499
which means I just lay on my hand
and away.
325
00:24:20,876 --> 00:24:23,503
And when I looked up
into my mirrored armoire,
326
00:24:23,587 --> 00:24:26,173
I saw something I really
wouldn't wish on anyone.
327
00:24:27,674 --> 00:24:29,217
I saw…
328
00:24:30,802 --> 00:24:35,307
in its organic, hardy,
grass-fed, natural state…
329
00:24:36,266 --> 00:24:37,559
my O face.
330
00:24:38,768 --> 00:24:42,689
Without the performance of sex,
the pressure of another,
331
00:24:42,772 --> 00:24:46,568
I saw what I looked like
when I cum, which is…
332
00:25:00,123 --> 00:25:02,792
So, when I cum,
this is actually my O face.
333
00:25:07,839 --> 00:25:09,257
I don't want to be like this.
334
00:25:10,133 --> 00:25:14,054
By the way, if my face was symmetrical,
I would not be up here doing this shit.
335
00:25:14,721 --> 00:25:16,765
Goes without saying,
I don't want to be this way.
336
00:25:16,848 --> 00:25:19,351
I want to be the kind of girl
who just wears jeans.
337
00:25:21,228 --> 00:25:24,022
I wish I could do…
You know when people do that?
338
00:25:24,105 --> 00:25:26,107
I can't jump even a little.
339
00:25:26,191 --> 00:25:29,152
This is literally me
jumping as high as I can.
340
00:25:32,572 --> 00:25:35,200
I wish I could be
the kind of girl who's like…
341
00:25:35,283 --> 00:25:37,369
Sometimes people's legs go up.
342
00:25:38,161 --> 00:25:41,623
I want to be the kind of girl
who just doesn't like the taste of beer.
343
00:25:42,165 --> 00:25:44,793
The kind of girl who can save
half a sandwich for later.
344
00:25:46,169 --> 00:25:48,964
The kind of girl
who can go into a coffee shop
345
00:25:49,047 --> 00:25:51,258
and just stare at sheet music.
346
00:25:54,511 --> 00:25:57,264
Just clutch it
and stare at it and be like,
347
00:25:58,056 --> 00:25:59,099
"I get this."
348
00:26:01,601 --> 00:26:05,563
I want to be the kind of woman
who's out to lunch with friends,
349
00:26:05,647 --> 00:26:08,108
she's draped in silks,
draped in silks, draped in silks.
350
00:26:08,942 --> 00:26:12,070
The restaurant, of course,
white tablecloth, white tablecloth.
351
00:26:12,904 --> 00:26:15,991
And she starts to laugh because
she remembers something funny,
352
00:26:16,074 --> 00:26:17,575
a memory maybe.
353
00:26:19,494 --> 00:26:21,830
But before she does, she stops herself.
354
00:26:22,622 --> 00:26:23,456
She says…
355
00:26:26,710 --> 00:26:28,128
"I was in love once."
356
00:26:30,255 --> 00:26:32,048
So that's the kind of girl I want to be.
357
00:26:33,758 --> 00:26:36,303
- But I have career goals too.
- Whoo!
358
00:26:36,386 --> 00:26:37,929
Girl boss.
359
00:26:38,013 --> 00:26:40,223
Um, I really, really… And this is serious.
360
00:26:40,307 --> 00:26:43,518
This is off the record.
I really want to wear a bonnet on screen.
361
00:26:44,269 --> 00:26:45,854
Does anyone have one?
362
00:26:46,855 --> 00:26:49,107
I have such a face for hats.
363
00:26:49,190 --> 00:26:52,110
I have the world's roundest face.
Thank you.
364
00:26:52,193 --> 00:26:53,820
No. Don't all stand up at once.
365
00:26:53,903 --> 00:26:55,989
I really want to wear a bonnet
on screen. Um…
366
00:26:56,072 --> 00:26:58,658
And then my second career goal is
I want to be in a film
367
00:26:58,742 --> 00:27:00,660
where I'm going on a first date,
368
00:27:00,744 --> 00:27:03,204
and as I'm kissing my suitor goodnight,
369
00:27:03,288 --> 00:27:05,582
I close the door shut to my apartment,
370
00:27:05,665 --> 00:27:07,917
and then I turn around and I just…
371
00:27:11,338 --> 00:27:15,133
Yes. I slide against that door.
372
00:27:16,593 --> 00:27:20,430
I hooked up with a guy I met
on a first date once 'cause I'm a slut.
373
00:27:20,513 --> 00:27:21,681
Take back the word.
374
00:27:22,891 --> 00:27:27,520
And mid-moment, he was like,
"Oh, yeah. I love that fat, fat ass."
375
00:27:27,604 --> 00:27:28,730
And I was like…
376
00:27:31,191 --> 00:27:33,193
"Maybe one fat was enough."
377
00:27:35,111 --> 00:27:38,907
I do. I do. I… I know.
378
00:27:38,990 --> 00:27:41,868
I gravely want to be thin
because of society.
379
00:27:46,623 --> 00:27:49,000
Because thin privilege is real.
380
00:27:49,876 --> 00:27:52,170
If you're thin…
This is my ideal body type.
381
00:27:54,130 --> 00:27:58,218
If you're thin, you can be famous
for smoking a cigarette and looking sad.
382
00:27:59,969 --> 00:28:04,015
If you're fat and there's a photo of you
smoking a cigarette and looking sad,
383
00:28:04,099 --> 00:28:06,184
it's a campaign for something.
384
00:28:07,018 --> 00:28:09,479
It's some D.A.R.E. shit.
You know what I mean?
385
00:28:11,064 --> 00:28:12,857
But mostly I want to be thin so I can wear
386
00:28:12,941 --> 00:28:14,818
whatever clothes I want, whenever I want.
387
00:28:14,901 --> 00:28:19,364
Because, as we all know,
women's clothing sizes are totally fucked.
388
00:28:19,447 --> 00:28:21,074
And that's what this song's about.
389
00:30:14,646 --> 00:30:15,855
Bridge!
390
00:30:38,169 --> 00:30:39,212
Mosh pit me.
391
00:30:40,255 --> 00:30:41,089
Mosh me.
392
00:30:42,257 --> 00:30:43,091
Mosh me.
393
00:30:44,759 --> 00:30:46,302
Mosh pit me.
394
00:31:18,251 --> 00:31:21,588
They won't say that,
but they'll mean that.
395
00:31:21,671 --> 00:31:22,922
You know what I mean?
396
00:31:37,979 --> 00:31:41,357
I'll see a person. I'll say,
"Oh, my God. Is that person okay?"
397
00:31:41,441 --> 00:31:42,775
"Is that person okay?"
398
00:31:42,859 --> 00:31:45,987
"That person's so small."
399
00:31:46,070 --> 00:31:48,865
My friend will turn to me and say,
"That's a kid. That's all."
400
00:31:48,948 --> 00:31:51,784
"That's a kid. A lot of people have them."
401
00:31:51,868 --> 00:31:54,287
And if you thought about something
other than yourself
402
00:32:33,326 --> 00:32:35,536
Whenever I tell people
I want to lose weight,
403
00:32:35,620 --> 00:32:38,581
they're like, "You should go to the gym."
I'm like, "I know."
404
00:32:39,666 --> 00:32:41,167
For sure.
405
00:32:42,001 --> 00:32:44,837
But whenever I go to the gym
and I see people with abs,
406
00:32:44,921 --> 00:32:47,298
it's like, "Why are you still here?"
407
00:32:49,467 --> 00:32:50,802
"You did it."
408
00:32:52,053 --> 00:32:55,264
Like, "Get a hobby… for once."
409
00:32:56,724 --> 00:32:57,809
I don't know.
410
00:32:57,892 --> 00:33:00,478
I just… I know working out
is good for mental health.
411
00:33:00,561 --> 00:33:03,481
I do suffer from depression,
or as I like to call it,
412
00:33:03,564 --> 00:33:06,985
"Crying because
outside smells like the past."
413
00:33:07,068 --> 00:33:10,029
I love nostalgia. It hurts and feels bad.
414
00:33:10,113 --> 00:33:10,947
Boop.
415
00:33:12,240 --> 00:33:13,449
But when I go to the gym,
416
00:33:13,533 --> 00:33:15,618
I just cannot connect with those people.
417
00:33:15,702 --> 00:33:19,831
If you're someone who uses
and cleans a blender every day,
418
00:33:21,082 --> 00:33:23,042
it's like, "What's really going on?"
419
00:33:24,836 --> 00:33:25,878
What's going on?
420
00:33:27,046 --> 00:33:29,173
If you're someone who signs up for, like,
421
00:33:29,966 --> 00:33:32,510
"mud fuck run."
422
00:33:33,761 --> 00:33:35,930
Or it's like, "We run for a month."
423
00:33:36,014 --> 00:33:39,225
"And you never come home."
It's like, "What is that?"
424
00:33:39,308 --> 00:33:41,436
I just worry about you.
425
00:33:41,519 --> 00:33:46,232
And so… I'm gonna sing this song for you.
426
00:34:09,297 --> 00:34:10,131
Oh.
427
00:36:14,589 --> 00:36:16,591
At this point in the show,
I know you're thinking,
428
00:36:16,674 --> 00:36:19,218
"Okay. So, she's beautiful and talented."
429
00:36:19,302 --> 00:36:21,804
"There's no way that
there's anything up here."
430
00:36:21,888 --> 00:36:26,142
But I'm actually
a brilliant poet and writer.
431
00:36:26,225 --> 00:36:29,145
And so I'm gonna share some of my poetry.
432
00:36:29,228 --> 00:36:32,398
Uh, could you give us a little mood music?
I think that would be good.
433
00:36:32,481 --> 00:36:35,651
- Oh, my God. Wow.
434
00:36:36,819 --> 00:36:37,862
Takes me back.
435
00:36:45,953 --> 00:36:49,248
Sorry. I just thought of something,
but it's for a different show.
436
00:36:51,626 --> 00:36:52,752
Hmm.
437
00:36:54,712 --> 00:36:57,173
"A poem I wrote last night
when I couldn't go to sleep,
438
00:36:57,256 --> 00:37:01,260
because there are no sheets on my bed
because I perioded on my other sheets
439
00:37:01,344 --> 00:37:03,596
and cannot be bothered
to put new ones on."
440
00:37:04,805 --> 00:37:06,557
"I'm sorry I didn't text you back
441
00:37:06,641 --> 00:37:10,853
about borrowing my adult sized tutu
for your sketch comedy show."
442
00:37:10,937 --> 00:37:14,398
"I was on the L train trying to recall how
I knew the guy sitting across from me."
443
00:37:14,482 --> 00:37:17,360
"Turns out it was from sex.
Thank you so much."
444
00:37:17,443 --> 00:37:18,945
So this next poem…
445
00:37:21,030 --> 00:37:22,031
This is called
446
00:37:22,114 --> 00:37:26,202
"Poem I wrote after my therapist got mad
at me for thinking everyone's mad at me."
447
00:37:27,662 --> 00:37:30,581
"I just found out 'dog'
isn't short for something."
448
00:37:30,665 --> 00:37:33,501
"It's actually just called a dog,
which is fine with me."
449
00:37:34,543 --> 00:37:37,046
"I'm in the kitchen, alone.
Which is romantic in a way."
450
00:37:37,129 --> 00:37:39,548
"Anything can be romantic
if you sigh a lot."
451
00:37:39,632 --> 00:37:42,969
"One time, I told this guy I loved him."
He said, "I don't know what love is."
452
00:37:43,052 --> 00:37:45,388
"Anyway, he just got engaged." Thank you.
453
00:37:47,932 --> 00:37:52,061
"Poem I wrote after I masturbated
while wearing AirPods."
454
00:37:52,144 --> 00:37:54,480
It could happen to you, so be vigilant.
455
00:37:56,691 --> 00:38:00,236
"Sometimes, being an adult
means washing your hair."
456
00:38:00,319 --> 00:38:03,656
"Sometimes, the only way to know
if a guy is definitely straight
457
00:38:03,739 --> 00:38:05,616
is if he Instagrams a building."
458
00:38:08,077 --> 00:38:12,081
"Sometimes I feel like if I look at
my phone, I will die or worse, not die."
459
00:38:12,164 --> 00:38:14,709
"It's insane
when you ask someone to give you space
460
00:38:14,792 --> 00:38:15,835
and then they do."
461
00:38:16,877 --> 00:38:18,296
Thank you.
462
00:38:19,213 --> 00:38:21,090
This next poem is called
463
00:38:21,173 --> 00:38:24,677
"A poem I wrote after you told me
your ex is 'actually really cool.'"
464
00:38:26,679 --> 00:38:28,931
"A guy on the street said I looked like
465
00:38:29,015 --> 00:38:31,976
I was studying audio engineering
in school."
466
00:38:34,979 --> 00:38:39,734
"He told me he liked my outfit.
He told me to have a 'cool day.'"
467
00:38:39,817 --> 00:38:42,069
"I'm googling how long a stroke lasts."
468
00:38:45,823 --> 00:38:46,824
Thank you.
469
00:38:46,907 --> 00:38:50,244
"Poem I wrote after you went down on me
and then called me 'dude.'"
470
00:38:55,124 --> 00:38:57,960
"I have a disease where I never
want to get out of the Uber."
471
00:38:58,044 --> 00:39:00,212
"Because then it means
I have to be somewhere."
472
00:39:00,296 --> 00:39:03,007
"For years I've been suffering
from a serious addiction
473
00:39:03,090 --> 00:39:05,718
to Adam Driver
and Jason Schwartzman, even."
474
00:39:05,801 --> 00:39:08,262
"Maybe my crush hasn't texted
because I'm out of town."
475
00:39:08,346 --> 00:39:11,265
"But then again, I never told him
I was going out of town."
476
00:39:13,559 --> 00:39:16,729
"I'm always horny and looking for
somewhere to charge my phone."
477
00:39:17,646 --> 00:39:21,400
"The Paris Review came in the mail today
and I performed reading it."
478
00:39:22,193 --> 00:39:24,236
"I can't write if no one is watching."
479
00:39:24,320 --> 00:39:26,822
"I can't stop checking my pussy
for weird bumps."
480
00:39:26,906 --> 00:39:30,076
"One time I went to the doctor and when
she told me I gained fifteen pounds,
481
00:39:30,159 --> 00:39:33,162
I was like, 'That's a lot.'
And she was just like, 'Yeah.'"
482
00:39:34,663 --> 00:39:35,998
Thank you.
483
00:39:43,964 --> 00:39:47,426
I love sex because it famously
has no consequences.
484
00:39:50,763 --> 00:39:53,933
I was recently at the Newark Airport.
Brag.
485
00:39:55,559 --> 00:39:58,938
And I saw a headline on a magazine.
Vintage.
486
00:40:00,189 --> 00:40:04,068
And it read, "Couple fucks themselves
off side of cliff."
487
00:40:05,236 --> 00:40:06,445
Where were you?
488
00:40:08,114 --> 00:40:09,365
When you found out?
489
00:40:10,449 --> 00:40:11,784
How you were going to die?
490
00:40:12,743 --> 00:40:15,246
Because for me, I was like,
"Oh, that's an option."
491
00:40:18,207 --> 00:40:19,333
I love fuck.
492
00:40:20,668 --> 00:40:23,546
I have some sexual fantasies
I want to share with you all.
493
00:40:23,629 --> 00:40:27,007
My first sexual fantasy is that
I'm in a mahogany room.
494
00:40:27,091 --> 00:40:29,969
Built-in bookcases. Built-in bookcases.
Built-in bookcases.
495
00:40:30,052 --> 00:40:32,304
And I'm sitting in
a velvet wingback chair.
496
00:40:32,388 --> 00:40:35,808
And I put my ring finger to my temple
and I just say, "Ugh.
497
00:40:36,892 --> 00:40:38,769
I worry. I do."
498
00:40:42,064 --> 00:40:43,691
And then my other sexual fantasy
499
00:40:44,650 --> 00:40:47,069
is that he makes me cum, damn it.
500
00:40:47,653 --> 00:40:51,490
Am I right, ladies? Is that a lot to ask?
Honey, I'm looking for a guy tall enough
501
00:40:51,574 --> 00:40:54,076
that I don't have to get on my knees
when I want to blow him.
502
00:40:54,160 --> 00:40:56,704
That's right. I want to stand up,
dick should be here.
503
00:40:58,330 --> 00:41:00,958
I hooked up with…
504
00:41:02,626 --> 00:41:07,381
I hooked up with this guy I met at a bar
because I'm brave, and he was like,
505
00:41:07,465 --> 00:41:11,635
"I actually biked to this bar.
I can bike us back to my place."
506
00:41:11,719 --> 00:41:13,596
"You can ride on my pegs."
507
00:41:13,679 --> 00:41:15,598
And I was like,
"Absolutely not."
508
00:41:18,184 --> 00:41:21,228
He was like,
"No. it's okay. It can hold 120 pounds."
509
00:41:21,312 --> 00:41:25,733
And I was like, "Okay, you don't know
what math is. You are my type."
510
00:41:27,610 --> 00:41:30,362
I just feel like it's like
every chubby girl's nightmare
511
00:41:30,446 --> 00:41:32,823
to be carried in a playful way.
512
00:41:34,116 --> 00:41:37,077
Like, I'm pretty sure when I was born,
the nurse, like, picked me up
513
00:41:37,161 --> 00:41:40,873
and handed me to my mom, and I was like,
"It's okay. You can put me down."
514
00:41:43,709 --> 00:41:44,793
It's sad.
515
00:41:45,878 --> 00:41:50,007
After I slept with him, I woke up with a,
say it with me, bump on my pussy.
516
00:41:50,090 --> 00:41:52,551
Just lucky, I guess. Foot pop, j'adore.
517
00:41:53,469 --> 00:41:56,847
And I was like, "Great. I need to
reach out to my gynecologist about this."
518
00:41:56,931 --> 00:42:00,309
So, I had to access her through,
say it with me, The Portal.
519
00:42:01,977 --> 00:42:02,811
I'm s…
520
00:42:02,895 --> 00:42:06,565
Why are doctors
absolutely, clinically addicted
521
00:42:06,649 --> 00:42:09,026
to making you enter through a portal?
It's like…
522
00:42:09,109 --> 00:42:10,569
"I'm here."
523
00:42:11,570 --> 00:42:14,823
It's like, "Can I just get an email or…"
They want you to be like…
524
00:42:16,158 --> 00:42:20,496
They want you to be full Narnia vibes
to talk to them about your broken pussy.
525
00:42:20,579 --> 00:42:23,332
A portal? Oh, my God. What year is it?
526
00:42:24,124 --> 00:42:25,834
Okay. I don't… I hate sci-fi.
527
00:42:26,835 --> 00:42:29,004
There's enough…
There's enough stuff here…
528
00:42:30,464 --> 00:42:32,633
that's really interesting.
529
00:42:32,716 --> 00:42:36,387
We don't have to… We don't have to…
I don't need anything with wings.
530
00:42:37,680 --> 00:42:39,139
Bitch, I have 'em.
531
00:42:40,432 --> 00:42:42,601
Oh, my God. So, I was like,
532
00:42:42,685 --> 00:42:45,729
"I need to take a picture of this
to send to my gynecologist."
533
00:42:45,813 --> 00:42:47,398
So, I went into my studio,
534
00:42:47,481 --> 00:42:51,193
which is obviously an empty room
with a full-size mattress on the floor.
535
00:42:51,277 --> 00:42:52,945
And I took out my camera,
536
00:42:53,028 --> 00:42:55,155
which is obviously
an iPhone rose gold Plus
537
00:42:55,239 --> 00:42:57,366
with a cracked screen, 'cause I'm fun.
538
00:42:58,826 --> 00:43:03,080
Spread my lips and I took an image.
539
00:43:05,666 --> 00:43:07,293
I wish that were the end of the story.
540
00:43:09,753 --> 00:43:11,005
I'm going to do a lap.
541
00:43:12,131 --> 00:43:14,466
When I looked at that image, um…
542
00:43:15,175 --> 00:43:16,552
Are you okay to hear this?
543
00:43:17,845 --> 00:43:18,679
Ally.
544
00:43:20,598 --> 00:43:24,393
Feminist ally. When I looked at the image,
545
00:43:24,476 --> 00:43:27,187
it was one of the most
harrowing things I've ever seen.
546
00:43:29,857 --> 00:43:32,568
One, I used flash. Rookie mistake.
547
00:43:33,902 --> 00:43:36,822
Two, I didn't understand
the reach of my camera.
548
00:43:36,905 --> 00:43:38,991
So, when I looked at the picture,
549
00:43:39,074 --> 00:43:42,661
I didn't only see my spread pussy lips,
which I expected.
550
00:43:42,745 --> 00:43:47,875
But, in the background, I saw what can
only be described as my dead-eyed face.
551
00:43:52,296 --> 00:43:54,465
No expression.
Just a corpse's head, really.
552
00:43:54,548 --> 00:43:56,508
So, I had to crop that out
for legal reasons.
553
00:43:56,592 --> 00:43:57,676
And when I sent it to my gyne,
554
00:43:57,760 --> 00:43:59,762
she was like,
"There's nothing wrong with you."
555
00:43:59,845 --> 00:44:02,348
I know there's a long history
of doctors not believing women,
556
00:44:02,431 --> 00:44:05,017
but in my case,
doctors shouldn't believe me because
557
00:44:05,100 --> 00:44:07,519
I'm what many medical professionals
have called
558
00:44:07,603 --> 00:44:10,064
a dumbass bitch. Thank you to my fans.
559
00:44:12,232 --> 00:44:13,984
But it was stressful. Oh, my God.
560
00:44:14,068 --> 00:44:16,445
And the thing about stress
561
00:44:16,528 --> 00:44:19,156
is that when you're stressed
in New York City,
562
00:44:19,239 --> 00:44:20,991
there's only one place to go.
563
00:45:12,167 --> 00:45:13,877
Oh!
564
00:45:13,961 --> 00:45:15,963
Ooh, look at all the trees,
I'm worldbuilding.
565
00:45:16,630 --> 00:45:17,840
Look at all those trees.
566
00:45:18,465 --> 00:45:19,299
Wow.
567
00:47:04,613 --> 00:47:05,906
He was so tall.
568
00:47:23,882 --> 00:47:25,133
Help. Help. Spin. Fuck!
569
00:48:55,265 --> 00:48:57,184
Hide your boners, boys.
570
00:48:57,267 --> 00:49:01,480
I have a hormone disorder in my ovaries.
571
00:49:02,648 --> 00:49:04,983
Okay. Everyone's rock-hard in the crowd.
572
00:49:06,526 --> 00:49:09,821
I have polycystic ovarian syndrome, PCOS,
573
00:49:09,905 --> 00:49:11,531
or "Pecos" for cute. Boop, boop, boop.
574
00:49:15,160 --> 00:49:18,413
Everything online about women's health
is like, "We don't know."
575
00:49:20,207 --> 00:49:22,584
I get really bad migraines
with visual auras.
576
00:49:22,668 --> 00:49:25,170
Which means I'm inherently interesting.
577
00:49:25,796 --> 00:49:27,964
And when you ask a doctor,
"What are migraines?"
578
00:49:28,048 --> 00:49:29,341
They're all just like…
579
00:49:30,967 --> 00:49:32,719
So I have PCOS.
580
00:49:32,803 --> 00:49:34,471
Let me tell you about PCOS.
581
00:49:34,554 --> 00:49:36,765
It's honestly iconic. Um…
582
00:49:37,516 --> 00:49:40,519
The symptoms are one, you're fat.
No, stop. Two,
583
00:49:41,019 --> 00:49:43,438
you are losing hair on your head,
584
00:49:43,522 --> 00:49:46,149
but, three, you have hair on your face,
and four, you have acne.
585
00:49:46,233 --> 00:49:47,776
So, it's sort of this, like,
586
00:49:47,859 --> 00:49:49,861
waking nightmare
in which you're both young
587
00:49:49,945 --> 00:49:52,072
and old at the same time.
588
00:49:52,155 --> 00:49:54,116
It's like that optical illusion
589
00:49:54,199 --> 00:49:57,661
where the young woman's looking away
and the old woman's looking down.
590
00:50:00,539 --> 00:50:05,210
But in this case, it's just you
looking at yourself in the mirror
591
00:50:05,293 --> 00:50:08,380
thinking, "Maybe God isn't a woman."
592
00:50:11,717 --> 00:50:14,886
But if she is, I want to meet her.
593
00:50:14,970 --> 00:50:18,724
Um, if I have to die,
which I'm not super interested in,
594
00:50:18,807 --> 00:50:21,476
I know that, literally, on my death bed,
595
00:50:21,560 --> 00:50:24,604
I'll be, like, surrounded
by millions of loved ones.
596
00:50:24,688 --> 00:50:27,190
And in my last dying breath
I'll be like…
597
00:50:32,487 --> 00:50:35,282
"Does my hair look better
598
00:50:35,365 --> 00:50:39,911
half up or full down?"
599
00:50:41,037 --> 00:50:43,749
Those are a hundy p
gonna be my last words.
600
00:50:44,624 --> 00:50:47,335
How I really want to die is
hosting a fabulous dinner party.
601
00:50:47,419 --> 00:50:49,713
Twelve people. Yeah.
My apartment in my fantasy
602
00:50:49,796 --> 00:50:51,673
you can have a table that that's big.
603
00:50:51,757 --> 00:50:53,258
That's that's big.
604
00:50:53,341 --> 00:50:54,801
That's that big.
605
00:50:54,885 --> 00:50:56,678
Hard to say, easy to write.
606
00:50:56,762 --> 00:50:57,846
Came to me like that.
607
00:51:00,640 --> 00:51:01,975
Ooh.
608
00:51:02,058 --> 00:51:03,310
J'adore. I can't…
609
00:51:03,393 --> 00:51:05,854
I literally don't know
a single word of French.
610
00:51:05,937 --> 00:51:07,272
English, I can do.
611
00:51:07,355 --> 00:51:12,944
Oh, my God. I once was studying abroad,
'cause I'm so interesting.
612
00:51:13,028 --> 00:51:14,988
And I was studying abroad
613
00:51:15,071 --> 00:51:19,618
and I was out clubbing
with these, like, hot Italian guys.
614
00:51:20,285 --> 00:51:22,954
And they were like…
They were like,
615
00:51:23,038 --> 00:51:25,332
"Your English is really good."
616
00:51:28,543 --> 00:51:31,463
And I was like, "Mm-hmm."
617
00:51:31,546 --> 00:51:35,091
At first I was like,
"It's the only language I speak."
618
00:51:36,009 --> 00:51:38,303
But then I thought about it
and I was like,
619
00:51:39,179 --> 00:51:40,597
"My English is really good."
620
00:51:44,017 --> 00:51:46,520
And what's so bad
about taking a compliment?
621
00:51:47,604 --> 00:51:50,315
Especially as women.
Especially in this industry.
622
00:51:50,398 --> 00:51:52,359
We have to learn to stop apologizing
623
00:51:52,442 --> 00:51:55,278
and just say,
"Yeah. My English is really good."
624
00:51:59,491 --> 00:52:01,952
So, how I want to die
is I'm at this dinner party
625
00:52:02,035 --> 00:52:04,913
and everyone's having
their own bottle of wine,
626
00:52:04,996 --> 00:52:07,249
and that's normal and fine
and no one notices.
627
00:52:08,208 --> 00:52:12,128
And then the person next to me goes,
"Oh, my God. I love that painting."
628
00:52:12,212 --> 00:52:14,422
And I say, "Oh, thank you.
My friend painted that."
629
00:52:14,506 --> 00:52:17,425
And then later in the evening,
I'm lying in bed with my lover.
630
00:52:17,509 --> 00:52:19,928
And he looks to me and he says,
"What's wrong?"
631
00:52:20,011 --> 00:52:23,139
And I say, "You know, I just…"
632
00:52:23,223 --> 00:52:27,394
"I feel a kind of longing
that resembles sadness
633
00:52:27,477 --> 00:52:30,939
only in the way that mist resembles rain."
634
00:52:31,022 --> 00:52:32,357
And then I expire.
635
00:52:37,112 --> 00:52:38,947
And he's like,
"Was that a Wordsworth poem?"
636
00:52:39,030 --> 00:52:42,117
And I'm like, "I think it was Longfellow.
Can't remember."
637
00:52:42,951 --> 00:52:44,536
From beyond.
638
00:52:44,619 --> 00:52:47,247
From the beyond
we argue about who wrote that line.
639
00:52:47,330 --> 00:52:48,832
Um, goals.
640
00:52:50,000 --> 00:52:52,919
I am in love right now,
as insane as that sounds.
641
00:52:54,838 --> 00:52:55,839
I know.
642
00:52:56,506 --> 00:53:01,803
And the only way I'll be single again
is if he gets hit by a bus, which is…
643
00:53:01,887 --> 00:53:04,931
For some reason, I'm like,
"That's such a common way to die."
644
00:53:06,600 --> 00:53:07,475
Is it?
645
00:53:08,560 --> 00:53:10,186
Okay. Now, I'm living in fear…
646
00:53:11,396 --> 00:53:12,856
for the first time ever.
647
00:53:14,524 --> 00:53:16,776
If I have to be single again,
that'd be a disaster.
648
00:53:16,860 --> 00:53:20,822
But in the meantime, I wrote this anthem
for anyone out there who is single,
649
00:53:20,906 --> 00:53:22,198
who is looking for love,
650
00:53:22,282 --> 00:53:23,658
because I want love.
651
00:53:23,742 --> 00:53:25,327
Because, well,
652
00:53:25,410 --> 00:53:26,661
I want everything.
653
00:56:04,611 --> 00:56:06,362
I don't think she knows what it means.
654
00:56:06,446 --> 00:56:08,782
She also told me I look like Jared Leto.
Different story.
655
00:58:22,081 --> 00:58:23,333
- Ugh.
656
00:59:19,430 --> 00:59:21,224
Thank you. Good night.
657
00:59:35,947 --> 00:59:38,199
- Whoo!