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Downloaded from
YTS.MX

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‪NETFLIX 喜劇特輯

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Official YIFY movies site:
YTS.MX

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‪我要主演一場秀

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‪我是凱瑟琳，我跳舞很漂亮

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‪凱瑟琳

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‪不要拍照

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‪我要直接走進電視裡

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‪是嗎？

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‪-這是魔法
‪-我知道

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‪我看起來像個瘋婆子，但正翻了

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‪-倒數五分鐘
‪-謝謝，敲門聲

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‪謝謝你，五分鐘

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‪謝謝…

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‪紐約市，你好啊

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‪歡迎來到喬酒吧

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‪請熱切掌聲歡迎凱薩琳科恩

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‪真的

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‪別拍了，我很害羞

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‪哈囉

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‪老天啊

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‪我歌聲真讚

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‪看看我，穿著水鑽連身裙說單口相聲

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‪排除萬難

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‪我賭你們都在想我是怎麼站上舞台的

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‪寶貝，我跟你說

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‪當我還小時

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‪我看向窗外，看著世界

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‪希望時間永無止盡前進

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‪帶我到一個新天地

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‪一個我能歌唱和認識新面孔的地方

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‪你好啊

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‪一個人如何發現天職？

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‪如何知道自己歸屬何處？

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‪若我們在青春期累積夠多怨恨

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‪就能寫出一首朗朗上口又有趣的歌

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‪男孩永遠不想親我

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‪所以如今我成了喜劇藝人

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‪男孩永遠不想親我

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‪所以我需要你們都看我

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‪看我…

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‪看我…拜託

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‪拜託

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‪看我…

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‪當我是個青少女

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‪在學校盛大舞會
‪我開玩笑地抓了安德魯的帽子

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‪我蹦蹦跳跳地離開

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‪那是在調情
‪我看過一些竹竿女這麼做

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‪但安德魯的反應是

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‪“把帽子還來”

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‪我一路哭回家

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‪我以為偷走某人的帽子很性感

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‪但如今我在昏暗的酒吧裡唱歌

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‪安德魯投給川普還有輛車

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‪我卻沒車

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‪男孩永遠不想親我

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‪所以如今我成了喜劇藝人

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‪我沒有車，弓箭步

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‪男孩永遠不想親我

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‪所以我需要你們看著我

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‪說真的，拜託

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‪看我…

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‪白色靴子

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‪看我…

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‪打一下妹妹

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‪看我…拜託

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‪求求你

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‪看我…

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‪好耶，過渡橋段

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‪這很健康

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‪我做的事很健康

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‪這是處理糟心事的好方法

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‪先聲明，我遇過想親吻的男生

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‪有些甚至想把老二放進我嘴裡

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‪但那永遠不夠

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‪幫個忙，轉圈，好的

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‪男孩永遠不想親我

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‪所以如今我在紐約市當喜劇藝人

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‪來點歡呼

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‪男孩永遠不想親我

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‪所以我需要你們都看著我

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‪說真的，拜託

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‪看我…

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‪撥頭髮

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‪看我…

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‪我不好

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‪看我…拜託

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‪看我…

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‪要盛大結尾了，準備好了嗎？

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‪看我

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‪請給鋼琴師亨利克柏斯基掌聲鼓勵

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‪歡迎光臨天堂，這是我的秀

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‪你們看著我心想
‪“好喔，她才藝雙全”

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‪這是真的

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‪我什麼都不缺

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‪我年輕

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‪我漂亮

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‪但就在今天早上
‪我喝了一小口冷萃咖啡

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‪結果就拉得菊花炸裂

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‪巨星就跟你我一樣

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‪我很高興能在紐約市表演這場秀

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‪紐約市是我，想不到更好的說法

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‪是我真正“生活”的地方

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‪有一天，我正在乾吞避孕藥

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‪一邊騎共享單車前往威廉斯堡大橋

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‪我心想“天啊，看來我就是
‪我這一世代的代表”

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‪雖然超累人，但總得有人去做

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‪對不起

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‪真抱歉，我真的沒辦法
‪停止產出笑料

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‪如果玩意太高，我就會開始幹它了

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‪所以我們得…

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‪她有喜歡的類型

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‪我最近辭職了
‪因為我真的沒辦法起床去上班

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‪有人懂這種感覺嗎？

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‪對吧

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‪所以我現在時常躺在床上

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‪等一條能讓我飛上枝頭的轉推訊息

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‪社群媒體真的很棒

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‪因為你能即時收看

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‪你根本不認識的人被掀底

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‪我可愛死了這檔子事

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‪不，嫉妒是好事

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‪那就像吞下一棟你剛剛放火的房子

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‪雖然我不想當那種臭婊子
‪但一場“疫情”？

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‪我可沒料到

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‪真的，這件事真的太隨機了

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‪感覺像“我都不知道有這個選項”

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‪我更擔心有東西會砸到我頭上

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‪上頭有很多東西

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‪而我人在下面

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‪但最終我們得到的是一場疫情

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‪那挺酷的，沒什麼大不了

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‪去年可真是精緻極了

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‪我在去年胖了很多

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‪這沒什麼好不好的

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‪真的沒什麼好“不好”

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‪變胖沒什麼好“不好”的
‪因為這件事沒什麼好“不好”的

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‪難道你們看得出來
‪我這週看了兩次心理醫生嗎？

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‪沒錯

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‪天啊，這場秀的滿堂彩來得好早

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‪我沒料到會這樣

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‪但沒關係

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‪變胖的好處之一很明顯
‪就是我的胸部變大了

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‪若你沒發現，那是因為你厭女

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‪我的胸部現在大到足以

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‪就跟過去所有偉大的詩人所說

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‪替我男朋友乳交了

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‪謝謝

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‪但那不是我那麼做的原因

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‪我不喜歡當一直提自己男友的女生

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‪我覺得一直提自己男友的女生

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‪就跟會說這種話的女生一樣

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‪“水果的糖分太多”

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‪“所以對我來說算是甜點”

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‪然後她們的嘴巴會繞臉一周

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‪現在我能正式乳交

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‪你們不會偶爾希望
‪某些詞能有其他說法嗎？

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‪但現在我胸部夠大

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‪足以完全包覆我男朋友的老二

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‪你們有料到…

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‪老實說，你們有料到這麼快
‪就在秀裡聽到“老二”這個詞嗎？

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‪老二是個色情片意味超濃的詞

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‪我愛色情片是眾所皆知

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‪前提是我男友跟我說
‪裡頭的女孩長得像我

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‪否則色情片就是有害女性

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‪這就是我對那件事的立場

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‪現在我能，這是最後一次
‪替我男朋友乳交

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‪我這是謙虛地自誇

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‪當他高潮時

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‪沒錯

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‪能聽到針掉到地上的聲音

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‪他高潮的時候

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‪發出了我從未聽過的聲音

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‪讓我心想“讚喔，老娘是性愛女神”

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‪我轉向他，我說

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‪“感覺如何？”

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‪他說“其實幾乎會痛了”

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‪女性主義大獲全勝

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‪沒錯，我有實際出力

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‪現場的氛圍真好

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‪你們就像是家人

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‪真是太棒了

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‪這個夏天真不得了

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‪已經過了好一陣子

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‪我討厭夏天

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‪我穿著比基尼唯一做的事就是啜泣

187
00:10:09,108 --> 00:10:11,110
‪但我喜歡夏天的一點

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‪我得說，就是那些超性感夏日勁曲

189
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‪如果DJ能馬上下音樂就好極了

190
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‪比起當喜劇藝人，我更偏向舞者

191
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‪我第一身份是舞者，編舞者第二
‪模特兒第三，喜劇藝人第四

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‪讓我大展身手吧

193
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‪不曉得你有沒有在聽
‪或記住我說的每個字

194
00:10:39,722 --> 00:10:43,643
‪但我有件事得分享，所以聽好了

195
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‪天氣開始變熱，我準備好大玩特玩

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‪聽好了，我這就告訴你們
‪該如何逗我開心

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‪逗我開心

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‪活動…我想參加活動

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‪拜託，邀請我參加你的活動

200
00:11:01,535 --> 00:11:03,245
‪活動…我想參加活動

201
00:11:03,329 --> 00:11:04,830
‪帶我參加你的活動

202
00:11:04,914 --> 00:11:09,001
‪不確定你是否知道
‪但大家都知道我是最佳人選

203
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‪讓你帶去走紅毯
‪你得不斷重複和跨步

204
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‪我懂擺姿勢

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‪沒錯，你知道我的竹竿手臂超正

206
00:11:16,842 --> 00:11:21,597
‪因為從青春期起我就討厭我的手臂

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‪謝謝你，父權制

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‪沒錯

209
00:11:27,937 --> 00:11:29,647
‪活動…我想參加活動

210
00:11:29,730 --> 00:11:31,524
‪我人生超難，我需要參加活動

211
00:11:31,607 --> 00:11:33,192
‪活動…我想參加活動

212
00:11:33,275 --> 00:11:34,860
‪帶我參加活動

213
00:11:34,944 --> 00:11:38,447
‪香檳杯、雞尾酒洋裝
‪搭優步或Lyft去都行

214
00:11:38,531 --> 00:11:41,826
‪服裝規定，入口名單
‪別擔心，我有經驗

215
00:11:41,909 --> 00:11:43,494
‪大家會免費送我爛東西

216
00:11:43,577 --> 00:11:45,371
‪朋友說我看起來像發胖版愛莉森布里

217
00:11:45,454 --> 00:11:47,498
‪但他們那是在稱讚我

218
00:11:47,581 --> 00:11:52,420
‪沒錯，真的是在稱讚我

219
00:11:55,506 --> 00:11:56,674
‪活動

220
00:11:57,466 --> 00:11:58,968
‪帶我參加活動

221
00:12:02,054 --> 00:12:03,055
‪活動

222
00:12:04,306 --> 00:12:05,558
‪帶我參加活動

223
00:12:05,641 --> 00:12:06,642
‪過渡橋段

224
00:12:06,725 --> 00:12:08,477
‪別羞辱我

225
00:12:08,561 --> 00:12:10,229
‪當個好主人

226
00:12:10,312 --> 00:12:13,774
‪別發臉書邀請，我只收線上邀請函

227
00:12:13,858 --> 00:12:16,360
‪因為若你跟我要寄件地址

228
00:12:16,444 --> 00:12:17,319
‪單腳掌換步

229
00:12:17,403 --> 00:12:18,320
‪信件絕對會遺失

230
00:12:18,404 --> 00:12:21,407
‪我得承認這件事，因為我超常搬家

231
00:12:22,533 --> 00:12:26,662
‪因為我付不起房租

232
00:12:26,745 --> 00:12:27,580
‪沒錯

233
00:12:27,663 --> 00:12:30,374
‪活動…我想參加活動，人生好難

234
00:12:30,458 --> 00:12:32,585
‪我需要今晚參加活動

235
00:12:32,668 --> 00:12:34,378
‪來填滿空虛內心

236
00:12:34,462 --> 00:12:36,088
‪我必須參加活動

237
00:12:36,172 --> 00:12:37,548
‪拜託，帶我參加活動

238
00:12:45,639 --> 00:12:49,351
‪我想大家應該都聽說了
‪但我還是想公開宣布一下

239
00:12:49,435 --> 00:12:51,228
‪我有個好消息

240
00:12:51,896 --> 00:12:53,022
‪我…

241
00:12:54,064 --> 00:12:56,150
‪最近讀了一本書

242
00:13:04,617 --> 00:13:06,952
‪謝謝…我愛你們

243
00:13:08,162 --> 00:13:10,372
‪我有一種罕見疾病，只要我看一本書

244
00:13:10,456 --> 00:13:12,791
‪整個看書期間我都會像這樣

245
00:13:13,501 --> 00:13:18,923
‪“看看妳，居然在看書”

246
00:13:19,632 --> 00:13:22,176
‪“妳這蠢蕩婦”

247
00:13:23,052 --> 00:13:25,930
‪只因為我不喜歡
‪閱讀、寫作、爭執或獨處

248
00:13:26,013 --> 00:13:27,890
‪不代表我腦袋空空

249
00:13:30,976 --> 00:13:32,353
‪這就是我的觀眾互動

250
00:13:34,647 --> 00:13:37,233
‪我最近贏了一個很有名望的獎

251
00:13:37,316 --> 00:13:38,359
‪先別急著鼓掌

252
00:13:38,442 --> 00:13:44,198
‪我贏的是沒帶手機出門42分鐘獎

253
00:13:44,281 --> 00:13:45,866
‪沒錯，謝謝

254
00:13:45,950 --> 00:13:48,118
‪但我不是為了搏掌聲

255
00:13:48,202 --> 00:13:49,787
‪那不是我那麼做的理由

256
00:13:50,704 --> 00:13:51,872
‪當我那麼做時

257
00:13:51,956 --> 00:13:55,793
‪我正在經歷評論家和粉絲
‪所謂的“電影女士時刻”

258
00:13:55,876 --> 00:13:58,879
‪“什麼？那是什麼？什麼意思？”

259
00:13:58,963 --> 00:14:02,841
‪“電影女士時刻”
‪是指當你遇上一件…

260
00:14:02,925 --> 00:14:04,969
‪電影中女士可能會遇上的事

261
00:14:06,762 --> 00:14:08,222
‪舉例來說

262
00:14:08,305 --> 00:14:11,684
‪你用小鑰匙來檢查信件

263
00:14:12,560 --> 00:14:13,644
‪電影女士時刻

264
00:14:16,230 --> 00:14:19,733
‪當你拿著法國棍子麵包
‪或靠近法國棍子麵包

265
00:14:21,569 --> 00:14:23,654
‪電影女士時刻

266
00:14:24,864 --> 00:14:28,200
‪如果你，跟我一起說
‪在街上遇到前任

267
00:14:28,284 --> 00:14:30,536
‪那絕對是百分之百的

268
00:14:30,619 --> 00:14:32,705
‪-電影女士時刻
‪-電影女士時刻

269
00:14:32,788 --> 00:14:34,248
‪謝謝

270
00:14:35,499 --> 00:14:37,001
‪回家的感覺真好

271
00:14:37,960 --> 00:14:41,714
‪我最近跟卡通劇情一樣
‪遇上了一個電影女士時刻

272
00:14:41,797 --> 00:14:43,674
‪我在街上巧遇了前男友

273
00:14:45,009 --> 00:14:47,261
‪他當時穿著西裝

274
00:14:47,344 --> 00:14:49,972
‪看起來帥極了
‪我們都知道這是違法的

275
00:14:50,764 --> 00:14:52,016
‪而我當時穿著

276
00:14:52,099 --> 00:14:54,768
‪你們是怎麼稱呼那來著？
‪就是當妳三個月沒剃腳毛

277
00:14:54,852 --> 00:14:57,938
‪然後妳超快速刮一遍
‪結果弄得到處都是血？

278
00:14:58,981 --> 00:15:00,232
‪我就是那副打扮

279
00:15:01,817 --> 00:15:04,236
‪我們撞見彼此，他就是那種

280
00:15:04,320 --> 00:15:06,530
‪會在一句話裡用妳名字的那種人

281
00:15:06,614 --> 00:15:07,656
‪讓人感覺…

282
00:15:08,866 --> 00:15:12,536
‪若你在一句話裡用上我的名字
‪你要嘛上我，要嘛殺了我

283
00:15:13,287 --> 00:15:15,122
‪沒有灰色地帶

284
00:15:15,205 --> 00:15:19,168
‪在這個案例中他選擇兩者都做
‪這當然是一記絕招

285
00:15:19,251 --> 00:15:22,504
‪跟他對我的感覺肯定毫無關係

286
00:15:22,588 --> 00:15:25,215
‪抱歉，我剛剛被自己的人類舌頭嗆到

287
00:15:27,134 --> 00:15:29,011
‪分手很酷，對吧？

288
00:15:29,094 --> 00:15:30,054
‪我是男孩的哥們

289
00:15:31,639 --> 00:15:32,681
‪分手很酷

290
00:15:34,767 --> 00:15:36,435
‪分手超厲害

291
00:15:37,937 --> 00:15:38,938
‪分手很酷

292
00:15:39,021 --> 00:15:41,941
‪那就像妳有個超好閨蜜，結果他掛了

293
00:15:46,528 --> 00:15:48,572
‪然後妳不出席他的喪禮

294
00:15:48,656 --> 00:15:51,033
‪反而跟他那個叫蘭帝的長髮男性朋友

295
00:15:51,116 --> 00:15:54,161
‪在水上樂園的停車場
‪一輛紅色馬自達的後座做愛

296
00:15:54,244 --> 00:15:55,829
‪然後當你請他載妳回家時

297
00:15:55,913 --> 00:15:57,581
‪他說：“不行，我嗑了迷幻蘑菇”

298
00:15:57,665 --> 00:16:00,292
‪那是悲傷哪個階段？

299
00:16:00,376 --> 00:16:02,127
‪哪個階段？都不是？好吧，沒關係

300
00:16:02,211 --> 00:16:03,796
‪記得跟我說後續

301
00:16:04,380 --> 00:16:06,590
‪但我跟前男友學到了很多，這很酷

302
00:16:06,674 --> 00:16:11,095
‪我從沒想過，抱歉
‪每次提到這件事我就哽咽

303
00:16:11,178 --> 00:16:12,262
‪但我…

304
00:16:13,055 --> 00:16:14,473
‪我又來了，他知道

305
00:16:16,225 --> 00:16:20,771
‪我從未想過我會愛上一個

306
00:16:20,854 --> 00:16:24,733
‪能在木椅上全程坐直
‪看完一整部電影的人

307
00:16:29,989 --> 00:16:31,949
‪但愛情一向不可思議

308
00:16:32,032 --> 00:16:34,284
‪真的是這樣

309
00:16:35,411 --> 00:16:37,454
‪我跟前男友同居了三年

310
00:16:37,538 --> 00:16:40,624
‪分手後還繼續同居了兩個月

311
00:16:40,708 --> 00:16:43,794
‪這當然，跟我一起說，對環境有益

312
00:16:44,878 --> 00:16:46,088
‪我剛剛競選了總統

313
00:16:46,171 --> 00:16:47,131
‪還當選了

314
00:16:49,758 --> 00:16:52,261
‪幸好…想像一下

315
00:16:54,638 --> 00:16:55,889
‪還是別了，謝謝

316
00:17:00,602 --> 00:17:04,148
‪每次我思考…
‪“是誰決定街道走向的？”

317
00:17:06,275 --> 00:17:07,359
‪我很常想這類事情

318
00:17:07,443 --> 00:17:10,320
‪我唯一的想法就是
‪“幸好那不是我的工作”

319
00:17:13,490 --> 00:17:15,534
‪謝天謝地，我現在一個人住了

320
00:17:15,617 --> 00:17:17,411
‪當我剛搬進我的公寓時

321
00:17:17,494 --> 00:17:21,248
‪我徹底發展出了
‪跟我一起說，全新的人格

322
00:17:22,416 --> 00:17:23,667
‪我現在有很多新習性

323
00:17:23,751 --> 00:17:26,670
‪我最近在早上10點45分
‪去了一家奇波雷餐廳

324
00:17:26,754 --> 00:17:27,755
‪這是醫囑

325
00:17:30,674 --> 00:17:32,009
‪當我走進店裡時，我就像…

326
00:17:33,052 --> 00:17:35,054
‪因為我很酷，所以當我走進餐廳時

327
00:17:35,137 --> 00:17:37,431
‪我在台上很瘋，但在餐廳很克制

328
00:17:37,514 --> 00:17:38,432
‪我就像這樣

329
00:17:44,563 --> 00:17:46,815
‪我走進一家奇波雷餐廳
‪裡面的一個男員工…

330
00:17:46,899 --> 00:17:48,901
‪沒錯，是個男人，這是故事重點

331
00:17:49,651 --> 00:17:50,861
‪他說：“妳要什麼？”

332
00:17:50,944 --> 00:17:54,656
‪我心想：“好喔
‪他想跟我不戴套打一炮”

333
00:17:57,201 --> 00:18:02,664
‪沒啦，我說：“你好
‪請給我雞肉捲餅碗

334
00:18:02,748 --> 00:18:05,501
‪我知道酪梨醬要另外點
‪然後給我最辣的辣醬

335
00:18:06,168 --> 00:18:10,255
‪他說：“妳確定嗎？”

336
00:18:15,177 --> 00:18:17,471
‪我心想：“老天啊

337
00:18:18,514 --> 00:18:20,432
‪我確定嗎？

338
00:18:25,270 --> 00:18:27,272
‪我不知道

339
00:18:27,940 --> 00:18:30,359
‪我之前從沒想過這件事

340
00:18:33,570 --> 00:18:36,657
‪我不會去想這種大男孩問題

341
00:18:38,158 --> 00:18:40,869
‪我比較女孩子氣

342
00:18:40,953 --> 00:18:44,039
‪我只會想女孩子氣的東西，例如耳環

343
00:18:44,873 --> 00:18:47,626
‪還有鞋子，我不知道那種大男孩的事

344
00:18:47,709 --> 00:18:49,878
‪人家只是有大胸部的小寶寶”

345
00:18:52,381 --> 00:18:54,550
‪抱歉，我剛剛徹底斷片了

346
00:18:54,633 --> 00:18:55,676
‪我做了什麼嗎？

347
00:18:57,469 --> 00:18:59,179
‪等等，我剛剛說了煩人的話嗎？

348
00:19:02,599 --> 00:19:04,309
‪我不認為該殺光所有男人

349
00:19:04,393 --> 00:19:05,227
‪先別鼓掌

350
00:19:05,310 --> 00:19:08,772
‪但我覺得應該禁止男人拍電影

351
00:19:11,608 --> 00:19:15,946
‪超級英雄電影無聊到我能融進地球了

352
00:19:17,281 --> 00:19:19,658
‪我一點都不在乎某些電影主題

353
00:19:20,742 --> 00:19:21,577
‪例如沙子…

354
00:19:25,289 --> 00:19:26,790
‪或是繩子

355
00:19:27,833 --> 00:19:28,750
‪或是太空

356
00:19:28,834 --> 00:19:33,130
‪我唯一想看的電影是一個女人

357
00:19:33,213 --> 00:19:36,508
‪在她的藥櫃鏡子前看著自己說道

358
00:19:37,843 --> 00:19:39,219
‪“好久不見啊”

359
00:19:41,805 --> 00:19:43,932
‪這是我想看的電影類型

360
00:19:45,184 --> 00:19:48,520
‪儘管如此，我還是想成為
‪漫威電影裡第一個…

361
00:19:48,604 --> 00:19:50,230
‪從沒看過漫威電影的人

362
00:19:50,314 --> 00:19:52,983
‪所以…傳訊給我囉

363
00:19:54,735 --> 00:19:55,736
‪這真的很可悲

364
00:19:55,819 --> 00:19:59,198
‪雖然男人讓我難過，但就連我…

365
00:19:59,281 --> 00:20:02,701
‪連我也難以抗拒

366
00:20:03,744 --> 00:20:05,245
‪就連我在每年這時節…

367
00:20:06,955 --> 00:20:07,873
‪都會有點春心蕩漾

368
00:20:10,459 --> 00:20:13,754
‪今晚愛情瀰漫四周

369
00:20:15,422 --> 00:20:19,676
‪夏季的星光熠熠

370
00:20:21,094 --> 00:20:26,391
‪我坐在這裡啜飲冰咖啡

371
00:20:26,475 --> 00:20:32,564
‪我不會因為稍微淘氣而羞愧

372
00:20:34,775 --> 00:20:36,735
‪我會吃一兩塊餅乾

373
00:20:36,818 --> 00:20:38,570
‪這是每年的特別時節

374
00:20:38,654 --> 00:20:41,949
‪我會故意晚回家

375
00:20:42,032 --> 00:20:46,119
‪也許在上學日夜裡喝杯紅酒

376
00:20:46,203 --> 00:20:49,289
‪寶貝，這是每年的特別時節

377
00:20:49,373 --> 00:20:51,291
‪我會走風景美麗的路回家

378
00:20:51,375 --> 00:20:53,001
‪這是每年的特別時節

379
00:20:53,085 --> 00:20:54,878
‪我會挖一個深深的洞

380
00:20:54,962 --> 00:20:56,755
‪這是每年的特別時節

381
00:20:56,838 --> 00:21:00,592
‪我會不斷挖那個洞
‪直到它變成超級深的洞

382
00:21:00,676 --> 00:21:03,553
‪寶貝，這是每年的特別時節

383
00:21:04,388 --> 00:21:06,390
‪當我把你拖進洞裡

384
00:21:06,473 --> 00:21:08,225
‪你什麼都感覺不到

385
00:21:08,308 --> 00:21:11,103
‪因為我已經用鏟子敲昏了你

386
00:21:11,853 --> 00:21:15,315
‪當你在洞裡醒來
‪想著你怎麼落入如此境地

387
00:21:15,399 --> 00:21:18,777
‪那是因為你四年前
‪在派對上摸了我的下背部

388
00:21:19,945 --> 00:21:22,281
‪然後開玩笑要強暴我

389
00:21:27,494 --> 00:21:31,164
‪當我看到你的朋友們
‪因為這是每年的特別時節

390
00:21:31,248 --> 00:21:34,334
‪當男孩們將酒吧關門

391
00:21:34,418 --> 00:21:36,461
‪我會用眼神讓他們知道

392
00:21:36,545 --> 00:21:38,505
‪不會有任何驚喜

393
00:21:38,588 --> 00:21:41,425
‪若你碰我，我會毀了你一輩子

394
00:21:42,718 --> 00:21:47,556
‪當你慢慢死去時

395
00:21:48,390 --> 00:21:51,268
‪因為這是每年的特別時節

396
00:21:52,269 --> 00:21:55,939
‪當夜晚變得無比寒冷

397
00:21:57,357 --> 00:22:00,444
‪你會希望自己安全待在家裡

398
00:22:01,153 --> 00:22:04,698
‪跟哥們喝酒

399
00:22:05,824 --> 00:22:09,036
‪但現在你正在洞裡慢慢死去

400
00:22:09,119 --> 00:22:12,164
‪因為你把我當成財產來對待

401
00:22:12,247 --> 00:22:15,417
‪那刻起你對我來說就跟死了沒兩樣

402
00:22:15,500 --> 00:22:19,921
‪你見到的最後一項東西將是我的臉

403
00:22:20,714 --> 00:22:21,548
‪晚安

404
00:22:27,471 --> 00:22:30,390
‪跟你們相處感覺好隨意地安全
‪真是太舒服了

405
00:22:30,474 --> 00:22:31,767
‪你們都是我的家人

406
00:22:31,850 --> 00:22:34,269
‪節目進行到這裡，我能公開一些事了

407
00:22:36,271 --> 00:22:39,775
‪我高中的綽號是“家畜”

408
00:22:39,858 --> 00:22:42,277
‪我猜大概是因為
‪我按常理來說挺好看的

409
00:22:44,696 --> 00:22:47,741
‪但我不喜歡這個綽號
‪因為家畜被簡化成了“畜”

410
00:22:47,824 --> 00:22:49,159
‪而“畜”跟“處”發音一樣

411
00:22:49,242 --> 00:22:52,079
‪讓我心想
‪“我人生是發生了什麼事？”

412
00:22:53,830 --> 00:22:55,624
‪但老實說， 現在呢…

413
00:22:56,333 --> 00:22:57,709
‪我倒覺得自己像是陰蒂

414
00:22:59,711 --> 00:23:00,962
‪我超級敏感

415
00:23:01,630 --> 00:23:02,964
‪喜歡被觸摸

416
00:23:03,882 --> 00:23:06,510
‪而直男不知道該拿我如何是好

417
00:23:07,719 --> 00:23:09,346
‪有時他們想上我

418
00:23:09,429 --> 00:23:11,848
‪有時他們又覺得我像是個有趣的阿姨

419
00:23:11,932 --> 00:23:13,225
‪因為我給人的感覺就像…

420
00:23:15,018 --> 00:23:17,479
‪我也總是在餐廳服務生
‪跟我說當日特餐時

421
00:23:17,562 --> 00:23:20,816
‪邊聽邊呻吟，就像是“讚喔，燉飯”

422
00:23:22,317 --> 00:23:26,029
‪因為那永遠都是蘑菇燉飯，讚啦！

423
00:23:28,532 --> 00:23:32,369
‪蘑菇燉飯笑話真的效果超好

424
00:23:34,037 --> 00:23:36,164
‪謝謝各位，祝你們今晚愉快…才怪

425
00:23:36,873 --> 00:23:39,167
‪想得美，你們這群變態

426
00:23:39,876 --> 00:23:41,878
‪老娘能說的還多著呢

427
00:23:42,546 --> 00:23:46,216
‪其實我最近應該要去參加
‪高中十年同學會的

428
00:23:46,299 --> 00:23:47,884
‪但我沒能出席，因為我當時

429
00:23:48,677 --> 00:23:50,804
‪正忙著在我公寓地板上自慰

430
00:23:50,887 --> 00:23:52,514
‪“為什麼是在地板上？”

431
00:23:52,597 --> 00:23:55,684
‪因為我懶得拉上對著床的窗簾

432
00:23:55,767 --> 00:23:57,310
‪我就想：“那就地板囉”

433
00:23:58,228 --> 00:23:59,771
‪我想在場每個人都知道

434
00:23:59,855 --> 00:24:02,566
‪我臥室裡有個帶鏡衣櫃

435
00:24:02,649 --> 00:24:04,192
‪如果你不曉得那是什麼

436
00:24:04,276 --> 00:24:06,611
‪那最好現在趕緊離場

437
00:24:07,904 --> 00:24:09,030
‪謝謝

438
00:24:10,240 --> 00:24:11,449
‪再見

439
00:24:13,034 --> 00:24:14,369
‪我在地板上自慰

440
00:24:14,452 --> 00:24:16,538
‪當然是採取鯨魚擱淺式

441
00:24:16,621 --> 00:24:19,499
‪也就是壓在我手上，然後辦事

442
00:24:20,876 --> 00:24:23,503
‪當我抬起頭看向帶鏡衣櫃時

443
00:24:23,587 --> 00:24:26,173
‪我看到了我真心希望
‪不會有人遭遇到的事

444
00:24:27,674 --> 00:24:29,217
‪我看到…

445
00:24:30,802 --> 00:24:35,307
‪最有機、強健、草飼又天然的…

446
00:24:36,266 --> 00:24:37,559
‪我的高潮臉

447
00:24:38,768 --> 00:24:42,689
‪不是源自性愛或對方的壓力

448
00:24:42,772 --> 00:24:46,568
‪我看到自己高潮的神情，就像這樣…

449
00:25:00,123 --> 00:25:02,792
‪當我高潮時，我就是這副表情

450
00:25:07,839 --> 00:25:09,257
‪我不想是這副模樣

451
00:25:10,133 --> 00:25:14,054
‪順帶一提，若我的臉左右對稱
‪我就不必在台上做這些事了

452
00:25:14,721 --> 00:25:16,765
‪不用說，我不想是這副模樣

453
00:25:16,848 --> 00:25:19,351
‪我想當只穿牛仔褲的女孩

454
00:25:21,228 --> 00:25:24,022
‪我希望我能…
‪你們知道有人會這麼做嗎？

455
00:25:24,105 --> 00:25:26,107
‪我幾乎跳不起來

456
00:25:26,191 --> 00:25:29,152
‪我最多就跳這麼高

457
00:25:32,572 --> 00:25:35,200
‪我希望我能成為那種女孩

458
00:25:35,283 --> 00:25:37,369
‪有時人們的腳會踢高

459
00:25:38,161 --> 00:25:41,623
‪我想當不喜歡啤酒味道的女孩

460
00:25:42,165 --> 00:25:44,793
‪有辦法剩半個三明治晚點吃的女孩

461
00:25:46,169 --> 00:25:48,964
‪以及能夠走進咖啡店

462
00:25:49,047 --> 00:25:51,258
‪一直盯著樂譜的女孩

463
00:25:54,511 --> 00:25:57,264
‪抓著樂譜，盯著它說

464
00:25:58,056 --> 00:25:59,099
‪“我能搞定”

465
00:26:01,601 --> 00:26:05,563
‪我還想當一種女人
‪她會跟朋友出去吃午餐

466
00:26:05,647 --> 00:26:08,108
‪身上披著絲巾

467
00:26:08,942 --> 00:26:12,070
‪餐廳當然是鋪了白桌巾

468
00:26:12,904 --> 00:26:15,991
‪她會因為想起了某件好笑的事而大笑

469
00:26:16,074 --> 00:26:17,575
‪可能是一件回憶

470
00:26:19,494 --> 00:26:21,830
‪但在她那麼做之前，她先停下來

471
00:26:22,622 --> 00:26:23,456
‪她說…

472
00:26:26,710 --> 00:26:28,128
‪“我談過一次戀愛”

473
00:26:30,255 --> 00:26:32,048
‪我就想成為那種女孩

474
00:26:33,758 --> 00:26:36,303
‪但我也有事業目標

475
00:26:36,386 --> 00:26:37,929
‪女孩老闆

476
00:26:38,013 --> 00:26:40,223
‪我真的…我是認真的

477
00:26:40,307 --> 00:26:43,518
‪這是私下說的，但我真的
‪很想在螢幕上戴罩帽

478
00:26:44,269 --> 00:26:45,854
‪有人有罩帽嗎？

479
00:26:46,855 --> 00:26:49,107
‪我長得超適合戴帽子的

480
00:26:49,190 --> 00:26:52,110
‪因為我有全世界最圓的臉，謝謝

481
00:26:52,193 --> 00:26:53,820
‪別全部同時站起來

482
00:26:53,903 --> 00:26:55,989
‪我真的很想在螢幕上戴罩帽

483
00:26:56,072 --> 00:26:58,658
‪我第二個事業目標是想參演一部電影

484
00:26:58,742 --> 00:27:00,660
‪劇情是我在初次約會

485
00:27:00,744 --> 00:27:03,204
‪然後我跟追求者以晚安吻道別

486
00:27:03,288 --> 00:27:05,582
‪我關上公寓的門

487
00:27:05,665 --> 00:27:07,917
‪然後轉身，像這樣…

488
00:27:11,338 --> 00:27:15,133
‪沒錯，我順著門滑下來

489
00:27:16,593 --> 00:27:20,430
‪我曾初次約會就跟對象搞上
‪因為我就是個蕩婦

490
00:27:20,513 --> 00:27:21,681
‪重拾那個詞的使用權

491
00:27:22,891 --> 00:27:27,520
‪中途他說：“我愛妳的超大屁股”

492
00:27:27,604 --> 00:27:28,730
‪我心想…

493
00:27:31,191 --> 00:27:33,193
‪“也許用不著‘超’這個字”

494
00:27:35,111 --> 00:27:38,907
‪我真的這麼想…我知道

495
00:27:38,990 --> 00:27:41,868
‪我沉重地因為社會而想變瘦

496
00:27:46,623 --> 00:27:49,000
‪因為“苗條特權”真的存在

497
00:27:49,876 --> 00:27:52,170
‪若你是瘦子…這是我的理想身材

498
00:27:54,130 --> 00:27:58,218
‪若你是瘦子，你就能
‪因為憂鬱地抽煙而出名

499
00:27:59,969 --> 00:28:04,015
‪但若你是個胖子
‪那你憂鬱抽菸的照片

500
00:28:04,099 --> 00:28:06,184
‪看起來就會像某種宣導照

501
00:28:07,018 --> 00:28:09,479
‪就像反藥物濫用教育的玩意兒
‪你們懂我的意思嗎？

502
00:28:11,064 --> 00:28:12,857
‪但我想變瘦主要是因為我就能

503
00:28:12,941 --> 00:28:14,818
‪隨時穿任何我想穿的衣服

504
00:28:14,901 --> 00:28:19,364
‪因為我們都知道女人的服裝尺寸
‪根本是亂七八糟

505
00:28:19,447 --> 00:28:21,074
‪那就是這首歌要說的事

506
00:28:21,157 --> 00:28:25,036
‪不懂為何你們不做大一點的衣服

507
00:28:25,120 --> 00:28:29,040
‪我想要S號的造型

508
00:28:29,124 --> 00:28:32,836
‪不懂你們為何不聽我的話

509
00:28:32,919 --> 00:28:37,382
‪妳這蠢八婆，我是想給妳錢花

510
00:28:37,465 --> 00:28:41,469
‪拿走我的錢，讓我日子好過點

511
00:28:41,553 --> 00:28:45,765
‪拿走我的錢，做件XL號

512
00:28:45,849 --> 00:28:49,686
‪拿走我的錢，很多胖子都有錢

513
00:28:49,769 --> 00:28:52,355
‪所以拜託拿走我的錢

514
00:28:53,189 --> 00:28:57,110
‪根本記不清我記錄了多少小時

515
00:28:57,193 --> 00:29:01,448
‪在試衣間裡哭泣和跟老媽爭論

516
00:29:01,531 --> 00:29:05,201
‪我沒時間拿13件牛仔褲

517
00:29:05,285 --> 00:29:07,162
‪牛仔褲是種迷思，根本是詐騙

518
00:29:07,245 --> 00:29:09,122
‪直筒牛仔褲沒讓我腿變直

519
00:29:09,205 --> 00:29:13,042
‪告訴我，你穿牛仔褲
‪真的感覺自在過嗎？

520
00:29:13,126 --> 00:29:16,880
‪布料有夠硬
‪牛仔褲是父權制度下的發明

521
00:29:16,963 --> 00:29:21,009
‪我知道1950年代是賦權時代
‪女人覺得“我們穿男人的褲子”

522
00:29:21,092 --> 00:29:24,679
‪但現在牛仔褲做得有夠緊
‪我根本沒辦法坐直

523
00:29:24,763 --> 00:29:27,307
‪更別提男友褲了

524
00:29:27,390 --> 00:29:32,896
‪每個跟我約會過的男人都比我瘦

525
00:29:32,979 --> 00:29:36,357
‪我喜歡骷髏男，肯定是潛意識在搞鬼

526
00:29:36,441 --> 00:29:40,612
‪如果我上了這個竹竿仔
‪就不會生出胖妞女兒

527
00:29:40,695 --> 00:29:44,824
‪讓我得在更衣室裡跟她爭論

528
00:29:44,908 --> 00:29:48,661
‪感謝Urban Outfitter
‪我主要是在他們店裡哭泣

529
00:29:48,745 --> 00:29:52,332
‪為什麼他們把所有衣服做得那麼小？

530
00:29:52,415 --> 00:29:54,626
‪我喜歡他們的衣服

531
00:29:54,709 --> 00:29:56,669
‪我真的很愛他們的衣服

532
00:29:56,753 --> 00:30:00,715
‪麻煩做大件一點，好讓我穿得下

533
00:30:00,799 --> 00:30:04,177
‪拿走我的錢，讓我人生好過點

534
00:30:04,260 --> 00:30:08,181
‪拿走我的錢，做件XL號

535
00:30:08,264 --> 00:30:10,225
‪拿走我的錢

536
00:30:10,308 --> 00:30:11,518
‪錢…

537
00:30:11,976 --> 00:30:14,562
‪拜託你拿走我的錢

538
00:30:14,646 --> 00:30:15,855
‪過渡橋段

539
00:30:16,731 --> 00:30:20,318
‪你們有看過一幅古老畫作嗎？

540
00:30:20,401 --> 00:30:24,280
‪一個瘦子女在替牛擠奶
‪而胖女孩躺在一旁

541
00:30:24,364 --> 00:30:28,284
‪因為以前越有錢的人越大隻

542
00:30:28,368 --> 00:30:32,330
‪但就算時至今日
‪難道你不曉得胖子仍有信用卡

543
00:30:32,413 --> 00:30:35,250
‪拿走我的錢，讓我人生好過點

544
00:30:35,333 --> 00:30:38,086
‪拿走我的錢，做件XL號

545
00:30:38,169 --> 00:30:39,212
‪衝撞我

546
00:30:39,295 --> 00:30:40,171
‪拿走我的錢

547
00:30:40,255 --> 00:30:41,089
‪衝撞

548
00:30:41,172 --> 00:30:42,173
‪拿走我的錢

549
00:30:42,257 --> 00:30:43,091
‪衝撞我

550
00:30:43,174 --> 00:30:44,676
‪拜託拿走我的錢

551
00:30:44,759 --> 00:30:46,302
‪衝撞我

552
00:30:46,386 --> 00:30:52,016
‪因為我小時候為了買牛仔褲而有創傷

553
00:30:52,100 --> 00:30:53,309
‪只為找到能穿的尺寸

554
00:30:53,393 --> 00:30:57,188
‪我腰圍穿得下，褲管就會太長

555
00:30:57,272 --> 00:31:01,776
‪我得打給我媽，請她帶我去找裁縫

556
00:31:01,860 --> 00:31:04,529
‪我想把褲管裁短，好讓我可以穿

557
00:31:04,612 --> 00:31:07,615
‪她說：“不用，褲管捲起來就好
‪萬一妳長高呢？”

558
00:31:07,699 --> 00:31:11,536
‪我說：“我不想知道
‪若我長高會發生什麼事”

559
00:31:11,619 --> 00:31:14,956
‪因為若我穿捲褲管牛仔褲
‪學校所有女生都會說

560
00:31:15,039 --> 00:31:18,167
‪“妳幹嘛捲牛仔褲褲管？
‪妳這該死的蠢胖妞？”

561
00:31:18,251 --> 00:31:21,588
‪她們是不會這麼說，但意思差不多

562
00:31:21,671 --> 00:31:22,922
‪懂我意思嗎？

563
00:31:23,006 --> 00:31:26,384
‪現在只要我在路上看到小女生

564
00:31:26,467 --> 00:31:27,635
‪我就想哭

565
00:31:27,719 --> 00:31:32,223
‪我心想：“老天啊
‪妳絕對想不到人生會變多糟”

566
00:31:32,307 --> 00:31:34,100
‪所以我把那個壞念頭丟出腦袋

567
00:31:34,183 --> 00:31:37,896
‪但有時我走在紐約市街上

568
00:31:37,979 --> 00:31:41,357
‪看到一個人，我會說
‪“老天啊，那個人還好嗎？

569
00:31:41,441 --> 00:31:42,775
‪那個人還好嗎？

570
00:31:42,859 --> 00:31:45,987
‪他有夠小隻”

571
00:31:46,070 --> 00:31:48,865
‪我朋友會轉頭對我說
‪“那是個小孩，就這樣”

572
00:31:48,948 --> 00:31:51,784
‪“那是個小孩，很多人都有”

573
00:31:51,868 --> 00:31:54,287
‪如果妳思考一下自己以外的事

574
00:31:54,370 --> 00:31:56,706
‪五秒就行，也許妳就會知道了

575
00:31:56,789 --> 00:31:59,709
‪妳就能好好過妳的人生

576
00:31:59,792 --> 00:32:03,546
‪只要妳不再一直想著自己的尺寸

577
00:32:03,630 --> 00:32:07,258
‪但我說：“是社會讓我變這樣
‪我永遠改不了”

578
00:32:07,342 --> 00:32:08,343
‪因為我受夠了

579
00:32:08,426 --> 00:32:10,637
‪是社會讓我變這樣，我不想改變

580
00:32:10,720 --> 00:32:14,349
‪因為我學到改變很困難

581
00:32:14,432 --> 00:32:18,186
‪所以我把自己問題怪到別人頭上

582
00:32:18,269 --> 00:32:21,981
‪這樣很酷又健康，這麼做很棒

583
00:32:22,065 --> 00:32:25,360
‪所以拿走我的錢，好嗎？

584
00:32:33,326 --> 00:32:35,536
‪每當我跟別人說我想減肥時

585
00:32:35,620 --> 00:32:38,581
‪他們都說：“妳該上健身房”
‪我回答：“我知道”

586
00:32:39,666 --> 00:32:40,667
‪我當然知道

587
00:32:42,001 --> 00:32:44,837
‪但每當我去健身房看到有腹肌的人

588
00:32:44,921 --> 00:32:47,298
‪感覺就像：“你為啥還在這裡？”

589
00:32:49,467 --> 00:32:50,802
‪“你已經達成目標了”

590
00:32:52,053 --> 00:32:55,264
‪“一次也好，去找個興趣吧”

591
00:32:56,724 --> 00:32:57,809
‪我不知道

592
00:32:57,892 --> 00:33:00,478
‪我知道健身對心理健康有益

593
00:33:00,561 --> 00:33:03,481
‪我是有憂鬱症，或我喜歡稱之為

594
00:33:03,564 --> 00:33:06,985
‪“因為外頭聞起來像過往而大哭”

595
00:33:07,068 --> 00:33:10,029
‪我喜歡懷舊情懷，讓人心痛又難過

596
00:33:12,240 --> 00:33:13,449
‪但每當我去健身房時

597
00:33:13,533 --> 00:33:15,618
‪我就是沒辦法跟那些人起共鳴

598
00:33:15,702 --> 00:33:19,831
‪若你是每天使用和清洗調理機的人

599
00:33:21,082 --> 00:33:23,042
‪感覺就像：“到底是怎麼回事？”

600
00:33:24,836 --> 00:33:25,878
‪怎麼回事？

601
00:33:27,046 --> 00:33:29,173
‪如果你是那種登記參加…

602
00:33:29,966 --> 00:33:32,510
‪“泥漿性愛…路跑”的人

603
00:33:33,761 --> 00:33:35,930
‪或是“我們跑了整整一個月”

604
00:33:36,014 --> 00:33:39,225
‪“而你完全沒回家”
‪那到底是怎麼一回事？

605
00:33:39,308 --> 00:33:41,436
‪我會很擔心你

606
00:33:41,519 --> 00:33:46,232
‪所以我要為你唱這首歌

607
00:33:47,859 --> 00:33:50,361
‪我看到妳在西側高速公路上

608
00:33:50,445 --> 00:33:51,654
‪穿著妳的露露檸檬裝

609
00:33:51,738 --> 00:33:55,783
‪妳生於1997年可真是令人悲傷

610
00:33:55,867 --> 00:33:59,704
‪在我看來妳生活一切順暢

611
00:33:59,787 --> 00:34:03,499
‪所以妳為何要在臉書上
‪貼妳跑馬拉松的模樣？

612
00:34:03,583 --> 00:34:08,921
‪妳為何覺得我們都會想知道？

613
00:34:10,882 --> 00:34:16,179
‪妳在逃避什麼？

614
00:34:16,804 --> 00:34:19,599
‪跑馬拉松是臨床性神經失常

615
00:34:19,682 --> 00:34:23,394
‪妳在逃避什麼？

616
00:34:23,478 --> 00:34:27,148
‪妳試過跟朋友直說妳很難過嗎？

617
00:34:27,231 --> 00:34:30,693
‪我當然也喜歡和緩的慢跑
‪那有助於舒緩一切

618
00:34:30,777 --> 00:34:34,906
‪當我慢跑，感覺我幾乎
‪能像個正常女孩上大號

619
00:34:34,989 --> 00:34:38,826
‪但當妳跟我說妳要跑全程馬拉松

620
00:34:38,910 --> 00:34:42,163
‪會讓我覺得妳在埋葬多年繼承創傷

621
00:34:42,246 --> 00:34:47,668
‪妳為何覺得我們都會想知道？

622
00:34:49,337 --> 00:34:54,759
‪妳到底在逃避什麼？

623
00:34:54,842 --> 00:34:57,512
‪跑馬拉松是臨床性神經失常

624
00:34:57,595 --> 00:34:59,388
‪說真的，妳到底在逃避什麼？

625
00:34:59,472 --> 00:35:01,224
‪妳在逃避什麼？

626
00:35:01,307 --> 00:35:04,936
‪妳有試過跟那個財務男分手嗎？

627
00:35:05,019 --> 00:35:07,063
‪我也喜歡財務男，沒錯

628
00:35:07,146 --> 00:35:08,606
‪也睡過一兩個

629
00:35:08,689 --> 00:35:12,777
‪我還跟一個牆上掛著
‪寫著他名字球衣的傢伙搞過

630
00:35:12,860 --> 00:35:15,530
‪當我轉身，他摘下保險套

631
00:35:15,613 --> 00:35:18,199
‪當我再轉過來
‪我說：“等等，你幹嘛？”

632
00:35:18,282 --> 00:35:19,992
‪他回：“我幹嘛了？”

633
00:35:20,076 --> 00:35:21,744
‪我說：“我看到你幹嘛了”

634
00:35:21,828 --> 00:35:23,579
‪然後他居然叫我賤人

635
00:35:23,663 --> 00:35:25,957
‪我說：“你要給我事後避孕藥的錢”

636
00:35:26,040 --> 00:35:28,042
‪他朝我丟了40元

637
00:35:28,126 --> 00:35:33,881
‪那是我來紐約市生活的第一個週末

638
00:35:33,965 --> 00:35:38,678
‪妳到底…妳到底在逃避什麼？

639
00:35:39,554 --> 00:35:43,724
‪跑馬拉松是臨床性精神失常
‪妳能逃離什麼？

640
00:35:43,808 --> 00:35:45,810
‪妳到底是能逃離什麼？

641
00:35:45,893 --> 00:35:48,062
‪妳有試過去散步嗎？

642
00:35:48,146 --> 00:35:50,481
‪或是來一小杯酒醉奶昔？

643
00:35:51,816 --> 00:35:54,986
‪讓樂趣加倍，妳何不去一家

644
00:35:55,069 --> 00:35:58,364
‪會把帕瑪起司從披薩刮掉的餐廳？

645
00:35:59,282 --> 00:36:03,494
‪把它發到網路上，寶貝
‪好極了，補上空白

646
00:36:14,589 --> 00:36:16,591
‪節目到了這裡，我知道你們在想

647
00:36:16,674 --> 00:36:19,218
‪“這女孩漂亮又有才華

648
00:36:19,302 --> 00:36:21,804
‪所以她肯定腦袋空空”

649
00:36:21,888 --> 00:36:26,142
‪但我其實是很出色的詩人和作家

650
00:36:26,225 --> 00:36:28,936
‪所以我要分享幾首我的詩

651
00:36:29,645 --> 00:36:32,982
‪能給我來點氣氛音樂嗎？
‪那樣會很不錯

652
00:36:33,065 --> 00:36:34,233
‪老天啊

653
00:36:36,819 --> 00:36:37,862
‪帶我回家

654
00:36:45,953 --> 00:36:49,248
‪抱歉，我剛剛想到一些事情
‪但那是另一個節目的內容

655
00:36:54,712 --> 00:36:57,173
‪“我昨晚沒辦法上床睡覺寫的詩

656
00:36:57,256 --> 00:37:01,260
‪因為床墊沒有床單
‪因為我月經沾到其它床單

657
00:37:01,344 --> 00:37:03,596
‪而我懶得換上新床單”

658
00:37:04,805 --> 00:37:06,557
‪“很抱歉我沒回覆你

659
00:37:06,641 --> 00:37:10,853
‪跟我借成人尺寸芭蕾舞裙
‪好表演喜劇小品的訊息

660
00:37:10,937 --> 00:37:14,398
‪我當時正在L線火車上試著回想
‪為何我認識坐對面的傢伙

661
00:37:14,482 --> 00:37:17,360
‪結果是因為性愛，謝謝各位”

662
00:37:17,443 --> 00:37:18,945
‪下一首詩

663
00:37:21,030 --> 00:37:22,031
‪詩名叫…

664
00:37:22,114 --> 00:37:26,202
‪“諮商師因為我認為大家都生我的氣
‪而生我的氣之後寫的詩”

665
00:37:27,662 --> 00:37:30,581
‪“我剛剛發現‘狗’不是簡稱

666
00:37:30,665 --> 00:37:33,501
‪狗真的就只叫做‘狗’，這我沒意見

667
00:37:34,543 --> 00:37:37,046
‪我一個人在廚房裡
‪某方面來說挺浪漫的

668
00:37:37,129 --> 00:37:39,548
‪只要嘆氣夠多次
‪任何事情都能很浪漫

669
00:37:39,632 --> 00:37:42,969
‪我跟這傢伙說我愛他
‪他回答’我不知道什麼是愛‘

670
00:37:43,052 --> 00:37:45,388
‪總之，他最近訂婚了”，謝謝

671
00:37:47,932 --> 00:37:52,061
‪“在我戴著AirPods自慰
‪之後寫的詩”

672
00:37:52,144 --> 00:37:54,480
‪你可能也會發生這種事，注意點

673
00:37:56,691 --> 00:38:00,236
‪“有時當個成人意味著你得洗頭

674
00:38:00,319 --> 00:38:03,656
‪有時確認一個男人
‪是不是直男的唯一辦法

675
00:38:03,739 --> 00:38:05,616
‪就是看他IG會不會發建築照片

676
00:38:08,077 --> 00:38:12,081
‪“有時我感覺若盯著手機就會死
‪或更糟糕，死不了”

677
00:38:12,164 --> 00:38:14,709
‪“當你要別人給你空間
‪他們還真的照辦

678
00:38:14,792 --> 00:38:15,835
‪那真的有夠扯的”

679
00:38:16,877 --> 00:38:18,296
‪謝謝

680
00:38:19,213 --> 00:38:21,090
‪我下一首詩的詩名

681
00:38:21,173 --> 00:38:24,677
‪“在你告訴我你前女友
‪‘其實很酷’之後寫的詩”

682
00:38:26,679 --> 00:38:28,931
‪“街上有個男人說我看起來

683
00:38:29,015 --> 00:38:31,976
‪像在學校讀音訊工程”

684
00:38:34,979 --> 00:38:39,734
‪“他說他喜歡我的打扮
‪祝我今天‘過得開心’”

685
00:38:39,817 --> 00:38:42,069
‪“我正在查中風症狀會持續多久”

686
00:38:45,823 --> 00:38:46,824
‪謝謝

687
00:38:46,907 --> 00:38:50,244
‪“在你下去幫我口交
‪然後叫我‘老兄’之後寫的詩”

688
00:38:55,124 --> 00:38:57,960
‪“我得了一種病
‪症狀是永遠不想從優步下車”

689
00:38:58,044 --> 00:39:00,212
‪“因為那表示我得去某個地方”

690
00:39:00,296 --> 00:39:03,007
‪“我多年來一直嚴重沉迷於”

691
00:39:03,090 --> 00:39:05,718
‪“亞當崔佛，甚至是傑森薛茲曼”

692
00:39:05,801 --> 00:39:08,262
‪“也許暗戀對象沒傳訊息給我
‪是因為我出城了”

693
00:39:08,346 --> 00:39:11,265
‪“但話說回來
‪我沒告訴他我要出城”

694
00:39:13,559 --> 00:39:16,729
‪“我總是性慾高漲
‪一直找地方幫手機充電”

695
00:39:17,646 --> 00:39:21,400
‪“‘巴黎評論’今天寄到了
‪我表演了自己在讀它”

696
00:39:22,193 --> 00:39:24,236
‪“若沒人在看我就無法寫作”

697
00:39:24,320 --> 00:39:26,822
‪“因為我沒辦法停止檢查
‪妹妹有沒有奇怪的突起”

698
00:39:26,906 --> 00:39:30,076
‪“有一次我去看醫生
‪當她說我胖了快七公斤時”

699
00:39:30,159 --> 00:39:33,162
‪我說：“那胖很多”，她說：“對”

700
00:39:34,663 --> 00:39:35,998
‪謝謝

701
00:39:43,964 --> 00:39:47,426
‪我喜歡性愛，因為大家都知道
‪不會留下後患

702
00:39:50,763 --> 00:39:53,933
‪我最近去了紐瓦克機場，炫耀一下

703
00:39:55,559 --> 00:39:58,938
‪我在雜誌《富豪人生》看到一個標題

704
00:40:00,189 --> 00:40:04,068
‪寫道“夫妻因做愛跌落懸崖”

705
00:40:05,236 --> 00:40:06,445
‪你們之前在哪裡？

706
00:40:08,114 --> 00:40:09,365
‪你們是什麼時候知道的？

707
00:40:10,449 --> 00:40:11,784
‪知道自己會怎麼死去？

708
00:40:12,743 --> 00:40:15,246
‪對我來說，我覺得“這也是個選項”

709
00:40:18,207 --> 00:40:19,333
‪我喜歡做愛

710
00:40:20,668 --> 00:40:23,546
‪我想跟你們分享幾個我的性幻想

711
00:40:23,629 --> 00:40:27,007
‪我第一個性幻想
‪是我在一個桃花心木的房間

712
00:40:27,091 --> 00:40:29,969
‪有固定書櫃

713
00:40:30,052 --> 00:40:32,304
‪我坐在絲絨高背扶手椅上

714
00:40:32,388 --> 00:40:35,808
‪我把無名指壓在太陽穴上，我說

715
00:40:36,892 --> 00:40:38,769
‪“我很擔心，真的”

716
00:40:42,064 --> 00:40:43,691
‪我另一個性幻想

717
00:40:44,650 --> 00:40:47,069
‪是對方讓我真的高潮，該死

718
00:40:47,653 --> 00:40:51,490
‪沒錯吧，女士們？這要求很高嗎？
‪親愛的，我在找夠高的男人

719
00:40:51,574 --> 00:40:54,076
‪高到我不必跪下來替他吹簫

720
00:40:54,160 --> 00:40:56,704
‪沒錯，我希望站著，老二該在這裡

721
00:40:58,330 --> 00:41:00,958
‪我最近跟一個…

722
00:41:02,626 --> 00:41:07,381
‪我最近跟一個在酒吧遇見的人搞上
‪因為我很勇敢，他說

723
00:41:07,465 --> 00:41:11,635
‪“我是騎單車來酒吧的
‪我能騎單車載妳回我家”

724
00:41:11,719 --> 00:41:13,596
‪“妳能站在火箭炮上”

725
00:41:13,679 --> 00:41:15,598
‪我說：“我才不要”

726
00:41:18,184 --> 00:41:21,228
‪他說：“別擔心
‪火箭炮承重55公斤“

727
00:41:21,312 --> 00:41:25,733
‪我心想：“好喔，你數學很爛
‪你是我的菜”

728
00:41:27,610 --> 00:41:30,362
‪我覺得被玩鬧方式抱著

729
00:41:30,446 --> 00:41:32,823
‪是每個棉花糖女孩的惡夢

730
00:41:34,116 --> 00:41:37,077
‪我很確定剛我剛出生時
‪護士把我抱起來

731
00:41:37,161 --> 00:41:40,873
‪交給我媽，而我說
‪“沒關係，妳能把我放下來”

732
00:41:43,709 --> 00:41:44,793
‪真的很難過

733
00:41:45,878 --> 00:41:50,007
‪跟他睡了之後，我醒來發現
‪跟我一起說，妹妹上有個突起

734
00:41:50,090 --> 00:41:52,551
‪我猜是運氣好吧，淘氣翹腳

735
00:41:53,469 --> 00:41:56,847
‪我心想：“好極了
‪我得聯絡婦科醫生說這件事”

736
00:41:56,931 --> 00:42:00,309
‪我得穿越…跟我一起說
‪“通道”去找她

737
00:42:02,895 --> 00:42:06,565
‪為什麼醫生全都臨床性成癮性…

738
00:42:06,649 --> 00:42:09,026
‪要病患經過一個通道？感覺就像…

739
00:42:09,109 --> 00:42:10,569
‪“我來了”

740
00:42:11,570 --> 00:42:14,823
‪“不能寄封電子信件就好嗎？”
‪他們就是要妳…

741
00:42:16,158 --> 00:42:20,496
‪他們要妳完全進入納尼亞氛圍
‪來跟他們聊妳壞掉的陰道

742
00:42:20,579 --> 00:42:23,332
‪通道？老天啊，現在是幾年？

743
00:42:24,124 --> 00:42:25,834
‪我真的很討厭科幻片

744
00:42:26,835 --> 00:42:29,004
‪當今就已經有很多…

745
00:42:30,464 --> 00:42:32,633
‪超級有趣的東西了

746
00:42:32,716 --> 00:42:36,387
‪我們不必…
‪我不需要任何有翅膀的玩意兒

747
00:42:37,680 --> 00:42:39,139
‪老娘自己就有

748
00:42:40,432 --> 00:42:42,601
‪真是的，我當時心想

749
00:42:42,685 --> 00:42:45,729
‪“我得拍張照傳給婦科醫生看”

750
00:42:45,813 --> 00:42:47,398
‪於是我進去工作室

751
00:42:47,481 --> 00:42:51,193
‪自然就是地板上放了
‪一個完整尺寸床墊的空房間

752
00:42:51,277 --> 00:42:52,945
‪我拿出相機

753
00:42:53,028 --> 00:42:55,155
‪自然就是
‪玫瑰金iPhone Plus

754
00:42:55,239 --> 00:42:57,366
‪外加裂掉的螢幕，因為我超風趣

755
00:42:58,826 --> 00:43:03,080
‪我打開陰唇，拍了照片

756
00:43:05,666 --> 00:43:07,293
‪我希望故事到此為止

757
00:43:09,753 --> 00:43:11,005
‪我得走個一圈

758
00:43:12,131 --> 00:43:13,716
‪當我看著那張照片…

759
00:43:15,175 --> 00:43:16,552
‪你聽到這些還OK嗎？

760
00:43:17,845 --> 00:43:18,679
‪你是盟友

761
00:43:20,598 --> 00:43:24,393
‪女性主義盟友，當我看著那張照片

762
00:43:24,476 --> 00:43:27,187
‪那是我這輩子看過最令人痛心的畫面

763
00:43:29,857 --> 00:43:32,568
‪首先，我開了閃光燈，新手錯誤

764
00:43:33,902 --> 00:43:36,822
‪第二，我不曉得鏡頭的範圍

765
00:43:36,905 --> 00:43:38,991
‪所以當我看著那張照片時

766
00:43:39,074 --> 00:43:42,661
‪我不只看到了預料中的外張陰唇

767
00:43:42,745 --> 00:43:47,875
‪我還能在背景裡看到自己…
‪我只能描述成死魚眼的臉

768
00:43:52,296 --> 00:43:54,465
‪毫無表情，基本上就是屍體的頭

769
00:43:54,548 --> 00:43:56,508
‪於是我得為了法律問題裁掉那部分

770
00:43:56,592 --> 00:43:57,676
‪我把照片寄給醫生後

771
00:43:57,760 --> 00:43:59,762
‪她說：“妳完全沒問題”

772
00:43:59,845 --> 00:44:02,348
‪我知道醫生長久以來都不信任女人

773
00:44:02,431 --> 00:44:05,017
‪但在我的案例中
‪醫生的確不該相信我

774
00:44:05,100 --> 00:44:07,519
‪因為我是個醫療專業人員所謂的…

775
00:44:07,603 --> 00:44:10,064
‪蠢婊子，謝謝粉絲們

776
00:44:12,232 --> 00:44:13,984
‪但那次壓力真的很大，老天啊

777
00:44:14,068 --> 00:44:16,445
‪關於壓力這檔子事

778
00:44:16,528 --> 00:44:19,156
‪當你在紐約市壓力大時

779
00:44:19,239 --> 00:44:20,991
‪只有一個地方可去

780
00:44:38,509 --> 00:44:45,057
‪紐約上州，或許物換星移

781
00:44:46,016 --> 00:44:49,895
‪紐約上州，若我去兩天

782
00:44:53,315 --> 00:44:59,113
‪紐約上州，想想我會發多少IG

783
00:44:59,196 --> 00:45:04,159
‪想想我會唸的那四頁小說

784
00:45:04,952 --> 00:45:10,791
‪想想所有的樹

785
00:45:13,961 --> 00:45:15,963
‪看看那些樹，我在創建世界

786
00:45:16,630 --> 00:45:17,840
‪看看那些樹

787
00:45:19,383 --> 00:45:22,428
‪我覺得樹真的有療效

788
00:45:22,511 --> 00:45:26,807
‪日本人有個做法叫“森林浴”

789
00:45:26,890 --> 00:45:30,853
‪概念是你經由走過大自然獲得淨化

790
00:45:30,936 --> 00:45:34,106
‪但我住在紐約市

791
00:45:34,189 --> 00:45:37,818
‪這裡是來自地獄的遊樂園

792
00:45:37,901 --> 00:45:42,114
‪若你是喜歡迪士尼的成年人…

793
00:45:42,865 --> 00:45:45,742
‪快去尋求幫助吧

794
00:45:48,829 --> 00:45:53,292
‪拜託，寶貝，我就是沒興趣

795
00:45:53,375 --> 00:45:55,794
‪抱歉，那根本是有夠詭異

796
00:45:55,878 --> 00:45:58,464
‪紐約上州

797
00:45:58,547 --> 00:46:01,758
‪我能在湖邊寫推特草稿

798
00:46:01,842 --> 00:46:04,428
‪在離我平時喝咖啡的地點

799
00:46:04,511 --> 00:46:07,639
‪稍微遠一點的地方喝咖啡

800
00:46:07,723 --> 00:46:11,518
‪這就是讓問題消失的辦法

801
00:46:11,602 --> 00:46:15,856
‪問誰都行，讓問題消失的最好辦法

802
00:46:15,939 --> 00:46:18,942
‪就是去離你平時地點4.8公里遠的地方

803
00:46:19,026 --> 00:46:20,903
‪這招永遠有用，我愛死了

804
00:46:20,986 --> 00:46:23,280
‪紐約上州

805
00:46:23,363 --> 00:46:26,617
‪那裡有間餐館，你能吃一顆蛋

806
00:46:26,700 --> 00:46:29,995
‪欣賞窗外四季更迭

807
00:46:30,078 --> 00:46:33,582
‪媽的，為什麼我突然哭了

808
00:46:33,665 --> 00:46:35,626
‪蘋果

809
00:46:35,709 --> 00:46:38,086
‪你們聽過蘋果的事嗎？

810
00:46:38,629 --> 00:46:42,633
‪我要跟我十三個好麻吉
‪和六個他們的性伴侶

811
00:46:42,716 --> 00:46:46,094
‪一起去摘蘋果

812
00:46:46,178 --> 00:46:50,849
‪蘋果，若我碰了一顆蘋果

813
00:46:50,933 --> 00:46:57,064
‪我所有的問題都會消失
‪跟秋天落葉一樣掉落

814
00:46:57,731 --> 00:47:00,984
‪我大學時有一次

815
00:47:01,693 --> 00:47:04,530
‪我跟一個男友去摘蘋果

816
00:47:04,613 --> 00:47:05,906
‪他身高有夠高

817
00:47:05,989 --> 00:47:09,159
‪他最近叫我別再跟他聯絡

818
00:47:09,243 --> 00:47:13,247
‪他有新女友了，她穿高跟鞋

819
00:47:13,330 --> 00:47:16,959
‪還會替義大利餃子拍照

820
00:47:17,042 --> 00:47:19,419
‪我尊敬她，讚美她

821
00:47:19,503 --> 00:47:22,297
‪我尊敬她，她挑男人很有品味

822
00:47:22,381 --> 00:47:23,799
‪我有說過他很高嗎？

823
00:47:23,882 --> 00:47:25,133
‪救命…轉圈，該死！

824
00:47:26,301 --> 00:47:28,512
‪除了紐約上州，我想

825
00:47:28,595 --> 00:47:33,517
‪我真正需要的是住在箱子裡
‪讓我碰不到手機

826
00:47:33,600 --> 00:47:37,854
‪除非我把手伸過一扇
‪我一碰就會電擊的活板門

827
00:47:37,938 --> 00:47:39,648
‪媽的，我就會養成

828
00:47:39,731 --> 00:47:43,110
‪碰手機的巴夫洛夫制約反應

829
00:47:43,193 --> 00:47:45,237
‪這樣我就能痊癒，這不是很好玩嗎？

830
00:47:45,320 --> 00:47:48,073
‪我所謂的“好玩”是指超級可悲

831
00:47:48,156 --> 00:47:51,994
‪我對手機如此上癮

832
00:47:52,077 --> 00:47:57,332
‪現在還有人說“手機”嗎？
‪其實那就是個電話

833
00:47:57,416 --> 00:48:01,128
‪很有趣吧？老天，我的作品有夠創新

834
00:48:01,211 --> 00:48:06,883
‪紐約上州，我可能會
‪錯過或晚回覆一通電話

835
00:48:06,967 --> 00:48:13,515
‪若有人傳訊給我，我也許
‪真的有理由不立刻回覆

836
00:48:13,599 --> 00:48:16,268
‪紐約上州

837
00:48:16,768 --> 00:48:19,938
‪想到所有我恨死了的朋友

838
00:48:20,022 --> 00:48:25,986
‪就在用六七種方法
‪共享一間兩臥室民宿之後

839
00:48:26,069 --> 00:48:29,448
‪紐約上州，我會穿法蘭絨襯衫

840
00:48:30,532 --> 00:48:35,162
‪我會找個男朋友
‪好讓我能去彼康劇院

841
00:48:35,996 --> 00:48:40,125
‪或冷泉鎮，如果你有男友

842
00:48:40,208 --> 00:48:46,340
‪你就能合法去彼康劇院或冷泉鎮

843
00:48:55,265 --> 00:48:57,184
‪把勃起藏一藏，男孩們

844
00:48:57,267 --> 00:49:01,480
‪我子宮有荷爾蒙失調症

845
00:49:02,648 --> 00:49:04,983
‪好喔，現在所有觀眾全硬了

846
00:49:06,526 --> 00:49:09,821
‪我有多囊性卵巢綜合症
‪簡稱PCOS

847
00:49:09,905 --> 00:49:11,531
‪或是“多囊症”，比較可愛

848
00:49:15,160 --> 00:49:18,413
‪網路上所有關於女性健康的資訊
‪都像在說“我們不知道”

849
00:49:20,207 --> 00:49:22,584
‪我有很嚴重的偏頭痛和視覺幻影

850
00:49:22,668 --> 00:49:25,170
‪代表我天生就很有趣

851
00:49:25,796 --> 00:49:27,964
‪當你問醫生：“什麼偏頭痛？”

852
00:49:28,048 --> 00:49:29,341
‪他們的反應全都是…

853
00:49:30,967 --> 00:49:32,719
‪我有多囊性卵巢綜合症

854
00:49:32,803 --> 00:49:34,471
‪我就來跟你們說說這種病

855
00:49:34,554 --> 00:49:36,765
‪這說法真經典

856
00:49:37,516 --> 00:49:40,519
‪第一症狀是妳很胖，真的，第二

857
00:49:41,019 --> 00:49:43,438
‪妳頭部會脫髮

858
00:49:43,522 --> 00:49:46,149
‪但第三就是妳臉上會長鬍子
‪第四是會長痘痘

859
00:49:46,233 --> 00:49:47,776
‪所以這像是

860
00:49:47,859 --> 00:49:49,861
‪清醒的惡夢，妳既年輕…

861
00:49:49,945 --> 00:49:52,072
‪又蒼老，兩者兼具

862
00:49:52,155 --> 00:49:54,116
‪這就像那個視錯覺圖

863
00:49:54,199 --> 00:49:57,661
‪內容是一個遠眺的年輕女子
‪和一個往下看的老婆婆

864
00:50:00,539 --> 00:50:05,210
‪但這案例中只是妳看著鏡中的自己

865
00:50:05,293 --> 00:50:08,380
‪心想：“也許上帝不是女人”

866
00:50:11,717 --> 00:50:14,886
‪但若是的話，我想見見她

867
00:50:14,970 --> 00:50:18,724
‪若我要死的話
‪雖然我對此不是很感興趣

868
00:50:18,807 --> 00:50:24,604
‪我知道我的臨終榻前
‪肯定會被無數愛人環繞

869
00:50:24,688 --> 00:50:27,190
‪而我最後一口氣會像這樣

870
00:50:32,487 --> 00:50:35,282
‪“我頭髮半梳上去好看

871
00:50:35,365 --> 00:50:39,911
‪還是全放下來好看？”

872
00:50:41,037 --> 00:50:43,749
‪我的遺言百分之百會是這樣

873
00:50:44,624 --> 00:50:47,335
‪我真正想要的死法是
‪主持一場超華麗晚餐派對

874
00:50:47,419 --> 00:50:49,713
‪邀請了12人，對
‪在我幻想中我的公寓

875
00:50:49,796 --> 00:50:51,673
‪可以放下那麼大張的桌子

876
00:50:51,757 --> 00:50:53,258
‪就是那麼大

877
00:50:53,341 --> 00:50:54,801
‪就是那麼大

878
00:50:54,885 --> 00:50:56,678
‪挺拗口，但用寫的很順

879
00:50:56,762 --> 00:50:57,846
‪當時就那麼靈光一閃

880
00:51:02,058 --> 00:51:03,310
‪華麗翹腳，我沒辦法…

881
00:51:03,393 --> 00:51:05,854
‪我其實對法文一無所知

882
00:51:05,937 --> 00:51:07,272
‪英文我倒是還行

883
00:51:07,355 --> 00:51:12,944
‪老天，我曾經出國念書
‪因為我這人超風趣

884
00:51:13,028 --> 00:51:14,988
‪當我在國外念書時

885
00:51:15,071 --> 00:51:19,618
‪我跟一群超辣義大利男人出去泡吧

886
00:51:20,285 --> 00:51:22,954
‪他們都說

887
00:51:23,038 --> 00:51:25,332
‪“妳英文真好”

888
00:51:28,543 --> 00:51:30,378
‪我的反應是…

889
00:51:31,546 --> 00:51:35,091
‪我一開始都回答
‪“那是我唯一會說的語言”

890
00:51:36,009 --> 00:51:38,303
‪但我思考過後，我心想

891
00:51:39,179 --> 00:51:40,597
‪“我英文‘真的’很好”

892
00:51:44,017 --> 00:51:46,520
‪接受讚美有什麼不好？

893
00:51:47,604 --> 00:51:50,315
‪尤其身為女性，尤其身處這一行

894
00:51:50,398 --> 00:51:52,359
‪我們得學會停止道歉

895
00:51:52,442 --> 00:51:55,278
‪直接說：“對，我英文真的很好”

896
00:51:59,491 --> 00:52:01,952
‪我想要的死法是在這場晚餐派對上

897
00:52:02,035 --> 00:52:04,913
‪大家都在喝自己那瓶紅酒

898
00:52:04,996 --> 00:52:07,249
‪這很正常，沒人注意到這點

899
00:52:08,208 --> 00:52:12,128
‪接著我旁邊的人說
‪“天啊，我真喜歡那幅畫”

900
00:52:12,212 --> 00:52:14,422
‪我回答：“謝謝，那是我朋友畫的”

901
00:52:14,506 --> 00:52:17,425
‪那晚稍晚，我跟愛人躺在床上

902
00:52:17,509 --> 00:52:19,928
‪他看著我，說：“妳怎麼了？”

903
00:52:20,011 --> 00:52:23,139
‪我回答：“我只是…”

904
00:52:23,223 --> 00:52:27,394
‪“我感到一股類似悲傷的渴望

905
00:52:27,477 --> 00:52:30,939
‪但只像類似霧的雨那樣”

906
00:52:31,022 --> 00:52:32,357
‪然後我就斷氣了

907
00:52:37,112 --> 00:52:38,947
‪他說：“那是華茲華斯的詩嗎？”

908
00:52:39,030 --> 00:52:42,117
‪我回答：“我想是費朗羅，不記得了”

909
00:52:42,951 --> 00:52:44,536
‪是從死後世界說的

910
00:52:44,619 --> 00:52:47,247
‪我們在死後爭論那句詩到底是誰寫的

911
00:52:47,330 --> 00:52:48,832
‪那是我的人生目標

912
00:52:50,000 --> 00:52:52,919
‪雖然聽來很扯，但我目前在談戀愛

913
00:52:54,838 --> 00:52:55,839
‪我知道

914
00:52:56,506 --> 00:53:01,803
‪我恢復單身的唯一辦法
‪就是他被卡車撞，而這個…

915
00:53:01,887 --> 00:53:04,931
‪因為某些原因，我覺得
‪“這死法也太常見了”

916
00:53:06,600 --> 00:53:07,475
‪是嗎？

917
00:53:08,560 --> 00:53:10,186
‪好吧，現在我會日夜不安了

918
00:53:11,396 --> 00:53:12,856
‪我人生有史以來第一次

919
00:53:14,524 --> 00:53:16,776
‪若我得恢復單身
‪那絕對會是一場災難

920
00:53:16,860 --> 00:53:20,822
‪但同時我又替所有尋愛的單身人士

921
00:53:20,906 --> 00:53:22,198
‪寫了這首頌歌

922
00:53:22,282 --> 00:53:23,658
‪因為我渴望愛

923
00:53:23,742 --> 00:53:25,327
‪因為…

924
00:53:25,410 --> 00:53:26,661
‪我什麼都想要

925
00:54:30,558 --> 00:54:36,314
‪最近我感覺身處那部電影
‪《愛是您，愛是我》

926
00:54:36,398 --> 00:54:39,067
‪當柯林佛斯坐在桌上

927
00:54:39,150 --> 00:54:41,903
‪說道：“我自然又是孤身一人了”

928
00:54:41,987 --> 00:54:44,739
‪我知道我不該喜歡那部電影

929
00:54:44,823 --> 00:54:47,659
‪我知道它問題很多
‪Buzzfeed網站如是說

930
00:54:48,159 --> 00:54:52,122
‪但浪漫喜劇讓我的大腦起了化學變化

931
00:54:52,956 --> 00:54:55,583
‪總之，重點是我還單身

932
00:54:55,667 --> 00:54:58,253
‪我想找個人來床上
‪為了押韻，好好滾一滾

933
00:54:58,336 --> 00:55:02,340
‪沒錯，你沒聽說嗎？
‪我是全美國最色的女人

934
00:55:02,424 --> 00:55:07,554
‪我想被物化，雖然我知道那樣不對

935
00:55:07,637 --> 00:55:10,265
‪我知道我不該說那種話

936
00:55:10,348 --> 00:55:14,019
‪打開我的女性主義開關
‪但我想要墮落

937
00:55:14,102 --> 00:55:16,938
‪沒錯，我想當你的性奴

938
00:55:17,022 --> 00:55:18,523
‪麗茲費兒說得最好，她說

939
00:55:18,606 --> 00:55:20,066
‪“我想像隻狗上你”

940
00:55:20,150 --> 00:55:22,027
‪我猜那對我而言就是浪漫

941
00:55:22,110 --> 00:55:27,490
‪我想那就是我真正想要的

942
00:55:28,742 --> 00:55:32,871
‪我沒有在找特別的那個人

943
00:55:32,954 --> 00:55:35,915
‪我沒有試圖尋找真命天子

944
00:55:36,416 --> 00:55:40,003
‪我只想要每晚有人跟我同床共枕

945
00:55:40,086 --> 00:55:42,964
‪他不在乎

946
00:55:43,048 --> 00:55:44,507
‪我是死是活

947
00:55:44,591 --> 00:55:46,551
‪是死是活

948
00:55:46,634 --> 00:55:48,511
‪我在找那個特別的人

949
00:55:48,595 --> 00:55:51,765
‪不在乎我是死是活

950
00:55:51,848 --> 00:55:54,059
‪若你忽略我，我就跟你做愛

951
00:55:54,142 --> 00:55:56,269
‪厭惡我，我就為你濕成汪洋大海

952
00:55:56,352 --> 00:56:00,523
‪告訴我，為何我會想要
‪自己已經有的事物

953
00:56:00,607 --> 00:56:04,527
‪我的諮商師說我有情愛妄想症
‪於是我驚慌地上網查詢

954
00:56:04,611 --> 00:56:06,362
‪我想她不曉得那個詞的意思

955
00:56:06,446 --> 00:56:08,782
‪她還說我長得像傑瑞德雷托
‪那是另一個故事了

956
00:56:08,865 --> 00:56:13,161
‪總之，情愛妄想症
‪是一種罕見的精神分裂症

957
00:56:13,244 --> 00:56:15,205
‪你會以為所有人都愛上你

958
00:56:15,288 --> 00:56:16,581
‪但我不喜歡那樣

959
00:56:16,664 --> 00:56:20,960
‪真的，我喜歡的是
‪來一瓶十二元的精釀啤酒

960
00:56:21,044 --> 00:56:23,505
‪再跟我當下的炮友

961
00:56:23,588 --> 00:56:28,259
‪爭論他們是否真的覺得我很性感

962
00:56:28,343 --> 00:56:31,763
‪老天，在那個傷口上灑鹽
‪真的有夠好玩

963
00:56:31,846 --> 00:56:37,185
‪上週這傢伙問我想不想當他女朋友

964
00:56:37,268 --> 00:56:39,062
‪四天後收回了發問

965
00:56:39,145 --> 00:56:43,191
‪如今每個我們接吻過的地點
‪都登上了一個特別清單

966
00:56:43,274 --> 00:56:47,821
‪成了紐約市的歷史地點
‪因為它們全都鬧鬼了

967
00:56:47,904 --> 00:56:50,949
‪他的下巴線條對我施的魔咒

968
00:56:51,032 --> 00:56:53,952
‪比我見過的任何鬼都可怕

969
00:56:54,035 --> 00:56:57,080
‪天啊，我不想死，真的不想

970
00:56:57,163 --> 00:56:58,915
‪我不相信我會死

971
00:56:58,998 --> 00:57:01,668
‪我也不相信我爸媽會死

972
00:57:01,751 --> 00:57:05,922
‪當我們談到這件事，我說
‪“好，若你們之一決定要死”

973
00:57:06,005 --> 00:57:07,799
‪“那我也會自殺”

974
00:57:07,882 --> 00:57:10,677
‪他們說：“妳這麼做能達成什麼？”

975
00:57:10,760 --> 00:57:11,845
‪我說：“我不知道”

976
00:57:11,928 --> 00:57:15,181
‪“但有時你得為了誇飾做點什麼”

977
00:57:15,265 --> 00:57:18,059
‪我是個浪漫份子，老天，我超浪漫

978
00:57:18,143 --> 00:57:22,772
‪我不想聽起來太迂腐
‪但那就是我想要的

979
00:57:23,982 --> 00:57:27,485
‪我不是在找特別的那個人

980
00:57:27,569 --> 00:57:30,405
‪我沒有試圖尋找真命天子

981
00:57:30,905 --> 00:57:34,117
‪我只想要每晚有人跟我同床共枕

982
00:57:34,200 --> 00:57:38,371
‪他不在乎我是死是活

983
00:57:38,455 --> 00:57:40,457
‪是死是活

984
00:57:40,540 --> 00:57:42,292
‪沒錯，我在找那個特別的人

985
00:57:42,375 --> 00:57:44,627
‪他不在乎我是死是活

986
00:57:45,670 --> 00:57:47,797
‪若你忽視我，我就跟你做愛

987
00:57:47,881 --> 00:57:49,716
‪厭惡我，我就為你濕成汪洋大海

988
00:57:49,799 --> 00:57:51,676
‪把我當成垃圾對待我
‪我就會像青春痘

989
00:57:51,759 --> 00:57:53,303
‪我想就是這樣

990
00:57:53,386 --> 00:57:57,807
‪最近我跟約會對象說了
‪我正在唱的這首歌

991
00:57:57,891 --> 00:58:00,477
‪他說：“好喔， 妳希望
‪我把你當成垃圾對待嗎？”

992
00:58:00,560 --> 00:58:02,395
‪我說：“你想幹嘛都行”

993
00:58:02,979 --> 00:58:05,148
‪但若你希望我們長期發展

994
00:58:05,231 --> 00:58:08,485
‪只要忽略我的一些訊息

995
00:58:08,568 --> 00:58:11,404
‪讓我離不開你，但得有點距離

996
00:58:11,488 --> 00:58:13,072
‪把我當成…為什麼我會變這樣？

997
00:58:13,156 --> 00:58:15,241
‪到底為什麼？

998
00:58:15,325 --> 00:58:17,202
‪我的諮商師說

999
00:58:18,286 --> 00:58:21,998
‪我得試著善良點

1000
00:58:23,416 --> 00:58:26,544
‪她說：“以善良行事”

1001
00:58:26,628 --> 00:58:30,673
‪我回答：“但那樣無聊死了”

1002
00:58:30,757 --> 00:58:33,134
‪她說：“但這是妳長大的唯一辦法”

1003
00:58:33,218 --> 00:58:36,804
‪我說：“為何我會想長大？
‪我這輩子都在努力變小隻”

1004
00:58:36,888 --> 00:58:38,139
‪我記得五歲時

1005
00:58:38,223 --> 00:58:40,808
‪我在洗澡，阿姨在旁邊

1006
00:58:40,892 --> 00:58:42,894
‪我說：“天啊，我真喜歡放學回家”

1007
00:58:42,977 --> 00:58:44,938
‪“因為我終於能把肚子放出來”

1008
00:58:45,021 --> 00:58:48,024
‪老天啊，那真的有夠悲哀

1009
00:58:48,107 --> 00:58:51,236
‪這個世界有夠壞，但我依然熱愛

1010
00:58:51,319 --> 00:58:55,657
‪我想陷入愛河，全都是因為電影

1011
00:58:55,740 --> 00:58:58,618
‪但現在我知道我真正需要什麼

1012
00:58:59,369 --> 00:59:03,164
‪我不是在找特別的那個人

1013
00:59:03,248 --> 00:59:06,000
‪我沒有試圖尋找真命天子

1014
00:59:06,668 --> 00:59:10,505
‪我只希望每晚有人跟我同床共枕

1015
00:59:10,588 --> 00:59:12,674
‪他不在乎

1016
00:59:13,841 --> 00:59:15,301
‪我是死是活

1017
00:59:19,430 --> 00:59:21,224
‪謝謝大家，晚安

1018
00:59:38,283 --> 00:59:41,035
‪男孩永遠不想親我

1019
00:59:41,119 --> 00:59:44,831
‪所以如今我成了喜劇藝人

1020
00:59:45,331 --> 00:59:47,959
‪男孩永遠不想親我

1021
00:59:48,042 --> 00:59:51,546
‪所以我需要你們都看著我

1022
00:59:52,046 --> 00:59:54,257
‪看我…

1023
01:00:00,430 --> 01:00:01,931
‪拜託…

1024
01:00:02,015 --> 01:00:04,225
‪看我…

1025
01:01:31,145 --> 01:01:36,150
‪字幕翻譯： 戴嘉儀