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00:00:06,756 --> 00:00:10,844
July 28th, 1993.
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My first time ever performing
in Atlanta, Georgia.
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I was picked up from the airport
by a Black comedian in a Lexus,
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00:00:16,850 --> 00:00:19,561
which was a rare car
to see a Black dude in,
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especially one that told jokes
for a living.
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And we went to a comedy club
that he was a part owner in.
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This is also a unique experience
in my career.
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Now, the guy was a beast.
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Onstage and off.
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Offstage, this motherfucker rolled
one blunt after another like a master.
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And onstage… [exhales]
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…he was like a force of nature.
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In fact, he called himself
after a natural disaster.
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It is my pleasure to present
to you guys tonight,
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the first Netflix special
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00:00:57,724 --> 00:00:59,559
that I've ever produced
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that I'm not in.
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Make some noise
for Earthquake in Legendary.
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[audience cheering]
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["Legendary" playing]
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♪ Top of the dome with it
I wrote lyrics ♪
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♪ They ain't grossing a million liquid
Don't form an opinion ♪
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♪ I'm sort of a genius
Nothing short of a legend ♪
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♪ Sort of Tommy Lasorda
The way I'm sorting these pitchers ♪
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♪ Pictures, whatever
Fuck it my speech is off ♪
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♪ Weekend trippin' to wherever
Only heaven is far ♪
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♪ Metaphors in every color
These indelible bars ♪
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♪ Jordan 4 seated floorside
Sittin' with Mars ♪
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-[mouthing lyrics]
-♪ The only fear is mediocrity ♪
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♪ Every time I got a beat
I feel like I don't gotta sleep ♪
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♪ You keep praying on your break
I hope you got a sling… ♪
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Yes, yes. DC, what's happening?
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Goddamn right.
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Good to be home, goddamn it.
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Good to be home.
Southeast DC, that's right.
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Ballou High School.
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That's what we're talking about.
It's the real DC.
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They came to me and said,
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"We're gonna do this special.
Where do you want to do it at?"
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Could've did it anywhere in the world.
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I said, "No, I want to come home.
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I want to come home and see how it is."
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And goddamn it, I'm feeling good.
I hope y'all feeling good.
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I'm feeling good
'cause I got that vaccine.
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[laughter]
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Yeah. I'm telling you,
I got it when it first came out.
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The line was so long,
it looked like they was hiring.
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I stood in that motherfucker.
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I'm like, "I hope they don't run out."
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[laughter]
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It looked like they was running out.
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There was this old lady,
and she was 89, in front of me.
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I just pushed her to the side.
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"Come on, Mama, you done lived your life.
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You got more problems
than this coronavirus.
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You're in a wheelchair with crutches.
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You're being selfish right now.
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You're supposed to be home somewhere
getting together with the Lord.
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You're being real selfish."
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You can't tell Black people
you took the shot.
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Oh! They look at you
like you done sold out.
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[laughter]
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"You put that shit in your body?
Ooh, Lord. Mm-mmm.
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Oh! Oh, goddamn. Say it ain't so.
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Say it ain't so.
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How could you do that?"
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I said, "The same way you put
that cocaine in your nose.
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You ain't got no problem
with that eight ball, motherfucker.
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But I'm wrong for trusting Fauci.
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You get your drugs from a nigga
in the club in the bathroom."
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You see them smoking a blunt
with eight people. Just smoking it.
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[coughing] "Ooh!"
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Just passing it around.
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"You're gonna take that chance.
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But I'm wrong for fucking with Fauci."
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[laughter]
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I've got a cousin.
This motherfucker lives in Michigan.
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He done call me and said,
"Quake, I heard bad news."
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"What's wrong?" He said, "Man,
I heard you put that poison in your body.
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How could you do it?"
I said, "Nigga, you live in Flint.
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[laughter, applause]
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And you just got out the shower.
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You ain't got no problem with
that funky-ass water on your Black ass."
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I mean, they ought to be ashamed
of their damned selves.
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I mean, you from DC, you done took
more chances than the vaccine.
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00:04:06,746 --> 00:04:09,707
You know how many women
I done fucked with that had a fever?
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I was like, "Ooh, you really is sick.
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I thought you ain't want to give me none.
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I'ma get you
some Theraflu in the morning."
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[sneezes] "God bless you. God bless you."
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I just want motherfuckers
to be consistent.
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They are-- No, keep that same energy
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on all the other symptoms
you've got in your body.
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Coronavirus ain't the only shit
that's plaguing our community.
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I want you to be on it.
These hypocrites that we got out here--
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You got brothers out here been wearing
a mask straight for 18 months.
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Ain't seen a dentist in 18 years.
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[laughter]
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Just be chewing
on the left side of their mouth.
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Knowing they can't fuck
with that right tooth.
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Brush their teeth in the morning,
sink look like a crime scene.
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They be trying to hide evidence
like they on First 48 Hours and shit.
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Kids coming in, looking at this,
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talking about, "Daddy, let me get
some of them Red Hots you eating."
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"I ain't eating no Red Hots."
"You are eating Red Hots!"
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Phony-ass.
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You know it. Stay consistent.
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Be looking all good on the outside.
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Jordans on their feet, diamonds
in their ear. Flawless on the outside.
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Inside, blood pressure
higher than giraffe pussy.
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Type 2, 3, 4, 5 diabetes.
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Still standing in line,
trying to get a Popeyes chicken sandwich.
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Eat four of them motherfuckers.
"I don't know why I'm dizzy.
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I took a Benadryl."
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"Benadryl don't help no stroke,
motherfucker.
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Everything ain't your allergies, nigga.
Everything ain't your allergies."
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Left arm be going numb. "What's wrong?"
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"Oh, that mean
it gonna rain this Saturday."
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"What the fuck you mean
it's gonna rain this Saturday?
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Your arm ain't no weatherman, nigga.
Go see a doctor."
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You know who they are.
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Got car insurance.
Ain't got no health insurance.
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He all at the club,
"Look at my new ride, nigga.
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Full coverage, zero deductible."
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"What about your liver?"
"Oh, I leave that to Jesus.
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[laughter]
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He know my heart."
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Health is wealth.
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If you ain't learned shit
through this pandemic,
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that bag don't mean shit
if you ain't got your health.
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You know-- You need to know
the status of your health.
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And the only way you're gonna know
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the status of your health
is get a physical.
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Your president, Barack Obama,
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put his whole political capital
on the line for Obamacare.
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I got Obamacare.
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Ain't no way they're gonna put all
these hospitals and urgent cares up there,
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and something wrong with my chest,
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I'm gonna go home, take a nap
and drink a ginger ale.
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[laughs] Somebody gonna see me.
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I'm just gonna have to owe you.
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When Obamacare came out, nigga,
I was on that shit.
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I filled it out. [imitates typing]
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Didn't even wait for a policy number.
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As soon as they said, "approved," nigga,
I ran straight to the doctor.
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00:07:01,462 --> 00:07:04,507
"Hey, what you here for?"
"Nigga, I want a full physical."
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00:07:05,174 --> 00:07:08,010
They're like, "Who your provider?"
I wrote, "Obamacare."
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[laughter]
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[chuckles] 'Cause that nigga cares.
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"Now that I got insurance,
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I want every test you got
in this hospital, from A to Z, nigga.
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Don't skip none of them.
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I want EKG, EGG, pap smear,
I want it all, motherfucker.
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00:07:24,277 --> 00:07:29,782
And I want ultrasound, mammogram,
father-gram, leg-gram.
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An eight ball. That's a half a gram.
156
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I want all my grams, nigga."
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But health is wealth.
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You will not know the status
of your health unless you get a physical.
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Every year, for my birthday,
that is my gift to myself.
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We still dying of illnesses
they done already cured in full.
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And it's the scariest shit in the world,
because certain people,
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you know something's wrong with your body,
but you don't go.
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See, me personally, I would hate for
something to be wrong with my damn body
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and I never, ever do nothing about it,
and then I just let it go and go.
165
00:08:01,814 --> 00:08:04,484
And then finally be rushed to
the hospital, and the doctor like, "Ooh.
166
00:08:04,567 --> 00:08:08,946
If you'd have got here three weeks ago,
that shit was just in your ear."
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[laughter]
168
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"Where's it at now?" "In your foot."
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"How long I got?" "Tomorrow."
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It's the scariest shit in the world.
I get a physical every year.
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This year was no different.
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Doctor came in.
I said, "How am I doing, Doc?"
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He said, "I got your lab result back.
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Everything is looking good.
You just have one minor discrepancy."
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I said, "What's that?"
He said, "Your PSA is high."
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I said, "What's that?" He said,
"That's the indicator of your prostate.
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You being a Black man, prostate cancer
is prevalent in your community.
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What I need you to do is go back
and see the reception,
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00:08:39,143 --> 00:08:40,937
make another appointment, come back.
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I'm gonna do a prostate exam
along with your physical.
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00:08:44,106 --> 00:08:46,192
I'm running behind
about a month and a half.
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I should be able to get to see you then."
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I'm like, "Fuck that, nigga.
We doing this shit today.
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I got Obamacare, nigga.
Put that shit on the bill.
185
00:08:54,534 --> 00:08:57,411
Let's run that shit up
before that Republican-care come."
186
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He said, "You want to do it today?"
I said, "Yeah, I want to do it today."
187
00:09:01,040 --> 00:09:03,167
So I start rolling up my sleeves.
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00:09:03,251 --> 00:09:04,752
[laughter]
189
00:09:07,838 --> 00:09:09,799
Yeah, he laughed just like that.
190
00:09:10,758 --> 00:09:14,053
He said, "No,
we don't do no prostate exam like that."
191
00:09:14,136 --> 00:09:16,889
I said, "How you do it?"
He said, "We do that with a rectum exam."
192
00:09:16,973 --> 00:09:19,350
I said, "Well, I don't think I got that
on my Obamacare."
193
00:09:19,433 --> 00:09:20,726
[laughter]
194
00:09:20,810 --> 00:09:24,313
[laughs] I said, "I don't think Barack
would do that shit for me."
195
00:09:24,897 --> 00:09:27,942
He said, "Just go in the other room.
There's a gown behind the door.
196
00:09:28,025 --> 00:09:31,445
Take your clothes off, put the gown on and
come back out. We can do the procedure."
197
00:09:31,529 --> 00:09:34,365
I'm gonna tell you all right now,
my people from DC,
198
00:09:34,448 --> 00:09:36,659
I have been rich my whole life.
199
00:09:36,742 --> 00:09:38,786
And I'm not talking about monetarily.
200
00:09:38,869 --> 00:09:42,748
I'm talking about rich of the blessing
of my God.
201
00:09:42,832 --> 00:09:45,543
Been on this earth 58 years.
202
00:09:45,626 --> 00:09:47,962
I have never spent a night in a hospital.
203
00:09:48,045 --> 00:09:50,047
I have never had no surgery.
204
00:09:50,131 --> 00:09:51,882
I ain't never had no broken bones,
205
00:09:51,966 --> 00:09:56,512
other than this wrist right here riding
that raggedy-ass bike my daddy gave me.
206
00:09:56,596 --> 00:09:58,681
So I don't know shit about no hospital.
207
00:09:58,764 --> 00:10:01,976
So when he told me to go take my clothes
off and put the gown on, I did it.
208
00:10:02,059 --> 00:10:03,644
And I put the motherfucker on.
209
00:10:03,728 --> 00:10:05,896
But it was too small. It wouldn't close.
210
00:10:06,606 --> 00:10:08,399
So I stuck my head
behind the door and said,
211
00:10:08,482 --> 00:10:11,861
"Hey, Doc, I need a bigger gown. This
motherfucker ain't going over my stomach."
212
00:10:11,944 --> 00:10:14,655
He said, "No, you've got it on wrong.
Turn it around."
213
00:10:14,739 --> 00:10:16,657
I said, "I'll be damned.
214
00:10:17,700 --> 00:10:19,702
I know I'm wearing this gown right."
215
00:10:20,411 --> 00:10:23,247
'Cause if it's between my dick
and my ass being out,
216
00:10:23,789 --> 00:10:25,916
my dick already understands.
217
00:10:26,667 --> 00:10:29,211
The ass is always covered.
218
00:10:29,295 --> 00:10:31,922
And every part of my body knows that rule.
219
00:10:32,006 --> 00:10:34,634
If I only got one sock, fuck my foot.
220
00:10:35,301 --> 00:10:37,970
That motherfucker going down
the crack of my ass.
221
00:10:38,054 --> 00:10:42,141
And if we doing a rectum exam,
I know I'm wearing this gown right.
222
00:10:42,224 --> 00:10:44,602
'Cause you're gonna have
to lift this bitch and let me know
223
00:10:44,685 --> 00:10:45,811
it's about to go down.
224
00:10:45,895 --> 00:10:49,065
I ain't just gonna leave it open for you
to come in there when you feel like it.
225
00:10:50,232 --> 00:10:51,984
I don't know what kind of…
226
00:10:52,068 --> 00:10:54,820
I don't know what kind of patients
you be having
227
00:10:54,904 --> 00:10:58,532
with their head down, ass up,
but I ain't that kind of patient.
228
00:10:58,616 --> 00:11:01,077
I need a head start or a warning.
229
00:11:01,160 --> 00:11:04,538
Ten, nine, eight… Oh, shit.
230
00:11:04,622 --> 00:11:07,583
My ass is getting a little chilly.
231
00:11:07,666 --> 00:11:10,127
It must be time for him to do it.
232
00:11:10,211 --> 00:11:13,005
So I knew I had the gown on right,
233
00:11:13,089 --> 00:11:15,091
so I just walked out there,
holding my dick.
234
00:11:15,174 --> 00:11:16,550
I said, "I'm ready."
235
00:11:17,843 --> 00:11:20,554
He said, "I told you. You've got the gown
on wrong. Turn it around."
236
00:11:20,638 --> 00:11:24,100
I said, "I'll be damned." He said,
"Fuck it. Bend down and look over there."
237
00:11:24,183 --> 00:11:26,769
I said, "I don't like how you said that.
238
00:11:26,852 --> 00:11:29,397
You need to take that bass out your voice.
239
00:11:29,480 --> 00:11:32,566
You're a little too angry
to be fucking with my ass right now.
240
00:11:32,650 --> 00:11:35,569
I think we need to reschedule
this appointment.
241
00:11:35,653 --> 00:11:39,824
And if you're gonna keep arguing like this
with me, I need to put my drawers on.
242
00:11:39,907 --> 00:11:42,910
I don't like to argue with no nigga
if I ain't got no drawers on.
243
00:11:42,993 --> 00:11:47,248
You got your drawers on.
Why can't I put my drawers on?"
244
00:11:47,957 --> 00:11:51,502
So I went on and bent back over. "Come on.
Let's get this bullshit over with."
245
00:11:51,585 --> 00:11:54,797
This nigga gonna say, "Stay still."
I said, "Shit.
246
00:11:55,548 --> 00:11:59,927
You better hit this motherfucker
while it's moving. I told you I'm scared.
247
00:12:00,886 --> 00:12:05,224
My leg is shaking 'cause I'm afraid."
So I looked over my shoulder.
248
00:12:05,307 --> 00:12:08,102
This motherfucker
put gel on three fingers.
249
00:12:08,185 --> 00:12:11,313
I jumped the fuck up.
He was like, "What's wrong?"
250
00:12:11,397 --> 00:12:13,941
I said, "Let me see what finger
you're gonna use.
251
00:12:14,024 --> 00:12:16,527
Oh, you ain't using that finger
with that fucked-up knuckle.
252
00:12:16,610 --> 00:12:20,948
Trying to put that big-ass knuckle in
my ass, that football knuckle you got.
253
00:12:21,031 --> 00:12:24,034
I ought to whup your ass for trying
to put that motherfucker in me.
254
00:12:24,118 --> 00:12:26,996
Your pinkie you got should be able
to find what you're looking for.
255
00:12:27,079 --> 00:12:30,499
I ought to whup your ass, Doc.
I'm gonna ask you one more time.
256
00:12:30,583 --> 00:12:33,669
Are you sure this is the only way
you can check my prostate?
257
00:12:33,752 --> 00:12:37,548
'Cause if I go home and I google
and I find there's another test,
258
00:12:37,631 --> 00:12:40,593
I'm gonna come back here
and whup your motherfucking ass
259
00:12:40,676 --> 00:12:42,761
in front of all this equipment."
260
00:12:42,845 --> 00:12:43,929
[laughter]
261
00:12:44,013 --> 00:12:45,764
So I went on and bent back over.
262
00:12:45,848 --> 00:12:48,350
"Come on.
Let's get this bullshit over with."
263
00:12:48,434 --> 00:12:53,689
He lifted up my gown, and I said,
"Oh, shit. It's about to go down."
264
00:12:53,772 --> 00:12:57,443
And he lifted it up and he broke me off.
I was like, "Oh, goddamn it."
265
00:12:57,526 --> 00:13:00,779
He said, "Don't worry. It ain't gonna
take long." I said, "You ain't got long.
266
00:13:00,863 --> 00:13:03,532
Hurry up and find
what you're looking for."
267
00:13:03,616 --> 00:13:06,202
He kept moving his finger
in and out of my ass.
268
00:13:06,285 --> 00:13:08,746
I said, "Fuck it.
Take your finger out of my ass.
269
00:13:08,829 --> 00:13:10,748
If I've got prostate cancer,
leave it in there.
270
00:13:12,124 --> 00:13:14,919
I'm just gonna have to take it up
with the Lord.
271
00:13:15,002 --> 00:13:17,129
But you ain't just gonna
rotate your finger
272
00:13:17,213 --> 00:13:19,423
in and out of my ass
like this no more, sir.
273
00:13:19,507 --> 00:13:22,718
Take your finger out of my ass
immediately, sir.
274
00:13:22,801 --> 00:13:26,472
Stop right now. No means no, sir."
275
00:13:28,140 --> 00:13:30,142
[laughing]
276
00:13:35,064 --> 00:13:40,152
I tried-- I got up.
Nigga tried to fix my goddamn gown.
277
00:13:40,236 --> 00:13:43,531
He gonna take the glove off
all seductively,
278
00:13:44,323 --> 00:13:46,534
one finger at a time.
279
00:13:46,617 --> 00:13:49,870
Gonna look me in the face,
give me a box of tissues,
280
00:13:49,954 --> 00:13:51,705
talking about, "Wipe yourself off.
281
00:13:51,789 --> 00:13:52,790
[laughter]
282
00:13:52,873 --> 00:13:56,335
Pull your drawers up.
Follow me in the other room."
283
00:13:56,418 --> 00:13:58,879
I said, "This nigga has just assaulted me.
284
00:13:59,463 --> 00:14:01,048
I've been raped."
285
00:14:01,131 --> 00:14:03,592
I went and bought me a "Me Too" T-shirt.
286
00:14:03,676 --> 00:14:04,677
[laughter]
287
00:14:04,760 --> 00:14:08,347
I went all to the meeting.
I was like, "Me too, bitches. Me too.
288
00:14:08,430 --> 00:14:11,058
Y'all are gonna hear what happened to me
in that doctor's office.
289
00:14:11,141 --> 00:14:12,935
I've got a story to tell."
290
00:14:13,602 --> 00:14:16,897
I left that doctor's office,
ass just slippery.
291
00:14:16,981 --> 00:14:17,982
[laughter]
292
00:14:18,065 --> 00:14:20,526
Slid all the way to the elevator.
293
00:14:20,609 --> 00:14:22,736
Couldn't even look
another man in the face.
294
00:14:23,362 --> 00:14:25,865
I was like, "He broke me in there!
He broke me in there!"
295
00:14:27,867 --> 00:14:30,578
Seen a gay dude.
I was like, "You're a soldier.
296
00:14:31,203 --> 00:14:34,415
You can take a dick.
I couldn't take a pinkie.
297
00:14:34,498 --> 00:14:36,625
You're a tough one. You're tough."
298
00:14:36,709 --> 00:14:39,378
If you're taking a dick every night, mmm!
299
00:14:40,838 --> 00:14:42,882
These ain't jokes.
300
00:14:47,595 --> 00:14:51,307
And Black people, we done voted Trump out,
301
00:14:51,390 --> 00:14:53,517
but we ain't killed this motherfucker.
302
00:14:53,601 --> 00:14:55,895
He's still alive politically.
303
00:14:55,978 --> 00:14:58,647
White people believe in him
right below Jesus.
304
00:14:58,731 --> 00:15:00,941
Oh, they believe in his ass.
305
00:15:01,025 --> 00:15:03,319
They're just lying to good white folks.
306
00:15:03,402 --> 00:15:04,778
"Stop the steal.
307
00:15:04,862 --> 00:15:06,530
They just stole the vote.
308
00:15:06,614 --> 00:15:09,783
Fraud. Irregularity with voting."
309
00:15:09,867 --> 00:15:13,787
See, Black people, I don't never want
y'all ever to say your votes don't count.
310
00:15:13,871 --> 00:15:16,165
The reason why
they've got all these problems,
311
00:15:16,248 --> 00:15:20,127
changing all-- the Republicans changing
all the goddamn rules for voting,
312
00:15:20,210 --> 00:15:22,463
is 'cause we showed the fuck up.
313
00:15:26,675 --> 00:15:30,179
I tell my white friends all the time:
"If you're gonna lie on Black people,
314
00:15:30,262 --> 00:15:32,681
at least get a lie
that's believable, nigga.
315
00:15:32,765 --> 00:15:34,516
You want the whole world to believe
316
00:15:34,600 --> 00:15:37,353
that niggas went down there
and voted two times?"
317
00:15:39,897 --> 00:15:43,233
We commit a lot of crimes,
but we don't fuck with that paperwork.
318
00:15:45,527 --> 00:15:49,198
But you can't say nothing. You can't tell
a Trump supporter nothing about Trump.
319
00:15:49,281 --> 00:15:53,577
"Oh, yeah, not my Trump, mm-mmm!"
They love motherfucking Trump.
320
00:15:53,661 --> 00:15:56,955
People ask me all the time, "What kind of
woman are you looking for in your life?"
321
00:15:57,039 --> 00:16:00,501
I say, "Nigga, I'm looking
for a woman like a Trump supporter.
322
00:16:00,584 --> 00:16:03,879
No matter what she hears about me,
that bitch don't believe shit."
323
00:16:03,963 --> 00:16:04,964
[laughter]
324
00:16:05,047 --> 00:16:06,924
"I heard he got another woman."
325
00:16:07,007 --> 00:16:09,259
"That's fake news, baby. That's fake news.
326
00:16:09,968 --> 00:16:12,846
Don't listen to them hos.
They're the enemy of the state."
327
00:16:14,306 --> 00:16:16,225
These ain't jokes.
328
00:16:16,308 --> 00:16:20,062
I knew Trump was the pimp of all pimps,
nigga, when he came here
329
00:16:20,145 --> 00:16:23,065
and sent them motherfuckers up here
January 6th.
330
00:16:23,148 --> 00:16:26,443
He told the motherfuckers,
"Meet me here January 6th."
331
00:16:26,527 --> 00:16:29,154
They came up there like he was Moses.
332
00:16:31,407 --> 00:16:35,452
Just stepping. I've never seen
so many RVs, pickup trucks,
333
00:16:35,536 --> 00:16:36,996
white women with no teeth.
334
00:16:37,079 --> 00:16:38,414
They was everywhere.
335
00:16:38,497 --> 00:16:39,540
[laughter]
336
00:16:39,623 --> 00:16:42,001
And then he came out and talked.
337
00:16:42,084 --> 00:16:45,421
Did the speech,
their old motherfucking fearless leader.
338
00:16:45,504 --> 00:16:49,675
"Right now, they're in there,
trying to certify the steal.
339
00:16:49,758 --> 00:16:52,886
You're not doing anything.
They're stealing your vote.
340
00:16:52,970 --> 00:16:57,433
If you allow what happens in there,
you're not gonna have a country.
341
00:16:57,516 --> 00:17:02,438
Now, what we're gonna do, we're gonna
walk down to the Capitol and stop 'em.
342
00:17:02,521 --> 00:17:04,940
I'ma go with you,
and I'ma meet you there."
343
00:17:06,191 --> 00:17:07,901
[chuckles] Trump went home.
344
00:17:09,153 --> 00:17:11,947
That nigga was at the crib, just chilling.
345
00:17:12,740 --> 00:17:16,410
White people was going crazy, nigga.
They was knocking shit over,
346
00:17:16,493 --> 00:17:21,248
whupping police asses,
climbing all on the wall and shit.
347
00:17:21,331 --> 00:17:24,126
I was watching that shit on TV.
All I was wishing is,
348
00:17:24,209 --> 00:17:28,130
"Ooh, I wish I was a Capitol police
working that day."
349
00:17:28,213 --> 00:17:29,965
If I was there, I would have been like…
350
00:17:30,049 --> 00:17:31,467
[imitating gunshots]
351
00:17:33,427 --> 00:17:35,637
"What you doing?" "Saving democracy.
352
00:17:39,975 --> 00:17:41,685
These motherfuckers are everywhere.
353
00:17:43,103 --> 00:17:45,314
If you ain't gonna use your gun,
give it to me.
354
00:17:50,152 --> 00:17:52,738
There's that motherfucker
with that Confederate flag."
355
00:17:54,782 --> 00:17:56,450
Click, click, click. [grunts]
356
00:17:58,660 --> 00:18:01,080
Oh, I would have tore their ass up.
357
00:18:01,163 --> 00:18:04,249
I'd have called my boy. "I told you
to be here as a security guard."
358
00:18:04,333 --> 00:18:06,376
[imitating gunshots]
359
00:18:06,460 --> 00:18:09,004
I'm shooting Trump supporters
on the clock.
360
00:18:09,088 --> 00:18:10,881
[laughter]
361
00:18:10,964 --> 00:18:13,467
"Don't punch me out.
I'm gonna do overtime today."
362
00:18:16,595 --> 00:18:19,014
"What's your name, boy?"
"Crispus Attucks."
363
00:18:21,642 --> 00:18:25,729
Believe me, if I was working,
they would have got off them steps.
364
00:18:25,813 --> 00:18:27,397
"Stop the steal!" [imitates gunshots]
365
00:18:27,481 --> 00:18:30,067
"This nigga is serious.
Back up, Billy Bob."
366
00:18:30,150 --> 00:18:32,152
[laughter]
367
00:18:34,029 --> 00:18:36,740
[cheering, applause]
368
00:18:42,162 --> 00:18:45,374
Trump ain't got no cut.
He ain't give a fuck.
369
00:18:45,457 --> 00:18:49,878
I knew he had no cut when he told
John McCain, "You ain't no war hero."
370
00:18:50,796 --> 00:18:54,049
[chuckles] And they said, "Why?"
"Cause he got captured.
371
00:18:54,800 --> 00:18:57,177
I like soldiers that don't get caught."
372
00:18:57,761 --> 00:19:00,973
John McCain hated that motherfucker
till the day he died.
373
00:19:01,056 --> 00:19:03,892
They say you ain't supposed
to take a grudge to your grave.
374
00:19:03,976 --> 00:19:07,855
John McCain was like, "Fuck that shit."
I'ma tell you something.
375
00:19:07,938 --> 00:19:10,732
If you down for Trump, against Trump,
or even if you are Trump,
376
00:19:10,816 --> 00:19:12,401
you've gotta look yourself in the mirror.
377
00:19:12,484 --> 00:19:14,486
You know you a fucked-up individual
378
00:19:14,570 --> 00:19:16,822
when a nigga
don't want you at his funeral.
379
00:19:17,990 --> 00:19:22,369
They said John McCain's last words
were like, "Tell that nigga not to come."
380
00:19:23,620 --> 00:19:25,080
They said, "What about the Reaper?"
381
00:19:25,164 --> 00:19:29,585
"Mm-mmm! If he comes in the church,
I'ma walk out the casket."
382
00:19:30,294 --> 00:19:33,088
Like, "Damn,
he blocked that nigga like Facebook."
383
00:19:34,173 --> 00:19:35,674
[chuckles]
384
00:19:35,757 --> 00:19:37,801
You can say what you want
to say about John McCain,
385
00:19:37,885 --> 00:19:40,262
but that motherfucker was a war hero.
386
00:19:40,345 --> 00:19:44,433
I'm telling you. That motherfucker
was a prisoner of war, dawg.
387
00:19:44,516 --> 00:19:46,268
He got shot behind enemy lines
388
00:19:46,351 --> 00:19:49,313
fucking with them Viet Cong niggas,
and they fucked John up.
389
00:19:49,396 --> 00:19:51,398
If you want to know
what John McCain went through,
390
00:19:51,481 --> 00:19:53,692
all you've gotta do
is watch the first Rambo.
391
00:19:53,775 --> 00:19:55,944
[laughter]
392
00:19:56,028 --> 00:20:00,324
[chuckles] They pulled his nails out,
put bamboo in his ass.
393
00:20:00,407 --> 00:20:02,951
When you see John McCain,
that nigga walking like this.
394
00:20:03,577 --> 00:20:05,871
He couldn't even salute.
"How you doing?" "Mm-hmm."
395
00:20:05,954 --> 00:20:06,955
[laughter]
396
00:20:07,039 --> 00:20:08,665
They fucked John up.
397
00:20:08,749 --> 00:20:10,626
But what made him a man's man,
398
00:20:10,709 --> 00:20:14,421
do you know John McCain was being tortured
for five years straight?
399
00:20:14,504 --> 00:20:17,799
He could have got out early,
'cause his father was an admiral,
400
00:20:17,883 --> 00:20:19,509
and they was gonna do a prisoner swap,
401
00:20:19,593 --> 00:20:22,012
let him come home early
'cause of who his father was.
402
00:20:22,095 --> 00:20:24,973
They came down to the torture chamber
to John McCain and said,
403
00:20:25,057 --> 00:20:26,642
"Look, we've got some good news for you.
404
00:20:26,725 --> 00:20:28,894
You're gonna be able to go home
and be with your family."
405
00:20:28,977 --> 00:20:31,146
They released him and said,
"Come on. You're going home."
406
00:20:31,230 --> 00:20:33,649
John McCain was like, "I'm not leaving."
"What you mean?"
407
00:20:33,732 --> 00:20:37,653
"I'm not leaving unless you release
all the other soldiers in here with me."
408
00:20:37,736 --> 00:20:38,737
[applause]
409
00:20:38,820 --> 00:20:41,531
They said, "Hell no,"
and went back to whupping his ass. Pow!
410
00:20:41,615 --> 00:20:43,867
[laughter]
411
00:20:43,951 --> 00:20:45,827
I was in the military.
They showed us the tape.
412
00:20:45,911 --> 00:20:49,122
They said, "This is the kind of prisoner
of war you should be if you're captured."
413
00:20:49,206 --> 00:20:51,458
I said, "You might as well let me out,
414
00:20:52,167 --> 00:20:54,294
'cause I'll never do that shit John did.
415
00:20:54,378 --> 00:20:55,754
'Cause if they come to release me,
416
00:20:55,837 --> 00:20:58,548
I'ma look at the rest of the soldiers
like, 'I'll see you later.
417
00:20:58,632 --> 00:21:01,093
God has heard my prayer.
418
00:21:01,760 --> 00:21:04,304
Give me a letter.
I'll give it to your family.
419
00:21:04,388 --> 00:21:07,265
But my Black ass
is getting on this helicopter.
420
00:21:07,349 --> 00:21:10,519
Somebody got to tell
what these Pacquiaos have done to us,
421
00:21:11,228 --> 00:21:13,730
and God has chosen me.
422
00:21:13,814 --> 00:21:15,190
Wouldn't he do it?'"
423
00:21:16,441 --> 00:21:20,195
Hey, this ain't no joke right here.
I don't play with my health.
424
00:21:20,279 --> 00:21:24,908
Your life is the most precious thing
you've got, 'cause life is short, man.
425
00:21:24,992 --> 00:21:27,160
We losing some good-ass people.
426
00:21:27,244 --> 00:21:32,207
Shit. We lost Cicely Tyson, 96 years old.
427
00:21:32,291 --> 00:21:34,918
-Black people talking about "too soon."
-[clapping]
428
00:21:35,002 --> 00:21:37,379
[laughter]
429
00:21:37,462 --> 00:21:39,965
"Who knew?" I said, "I knew."
430
00:21:40,048 --> 00:21:45,262
When she got 88, I said, "Ooh!
You better get your paperwork in order."
431
00:21:45,345 --> 00:21:47,222
"Who knew?" I knew!
432
00:21:47,306 --> 00:21:50,017
When she got 89, I said,
"The Lord looking for you."
433
00:21:50,767 --> 00:21:52,352
"Who knew?" I knew.
434
00:21:52,436 --> 00:21:53,854
When she got 92, I said:
435
00:21:53,937 --> 00:21:59,651
♪ Soon and very soon
You are gonna see the King ♪
436
00:21:59,735 --> 00:22:04,990
♪ Soon and very soon
You are gonna see the King ♪
437
00:22:05,657 --> 00:22:08,702
When she got 94, I said,
"Don't go to church.
438
00:22:09,661 --> 00:22:13,248
God's gonna say-- When he sees you there,
he's gonna say, 'Since you're here,
439
00:22:14,332 --> 00:22:16,126
stay right here.'"
440
00:22:16,209 --> 00:22:18,378
I see some of y'all want to laugh.
Fuck y'all.
441
00:22:19,338 --> 00:22:22,591
You want to laugh and celebrate
when they make it to 96.
442
00:22:22,674 --> 00:22:26,261
That's when it's time to laugh
and tell jokes.
443
00:22:26,345 --> 00:22:31,058
It ain't funny when you die at 26,
and that's our fucking problem.
444
00:22:31,141 --> 00:22:33,852
I pay my respects all the time.
445
00:22:34,936 --> 00:22:36,980
The one that broke my heart
more than anything
446
00:22:37,064 --> 00:22:38,857
was when we lost Aretha Franklin,
447
00:22:39,608 --> 00:22:41,193
the Queen of Soul.
448
00:22:41,276 --> 00:22:45,155
Tried to pay my respects and watch
the funeral, but that funeral was so long.
449
00:22:45,864 --> 00:22:48,033
I kept hollering at the TV, "Let her go.
450
00:22:48,116 --> 00:22:49,284
[laughter]
451
00:22:49,367 --> 00:22:51,495
She's supposed to be with the Lord."
452
00:22:51,578 --> 00:22:54,372
That funeral was so long,
they turned off my cable.
453
00:22:55,373 --> 00:22:58,168
I said, "This funeral done went through
two billing cycles."
454
00:22:58,794 --> 00:23:00,879
They called me.
"Why didn't you pay your cable bill?"
455
00:23:00,962 --> 00:23:02,380
I said, "I'm still at the funeral.
456
00:23:03,882 --> 00:23:05,133
Let her go."
457
00:23:05,926 --> 00:23:08,553
I've never seen a pastor
preach the whole Bible.
458
00:23:08,637 --> 00:23:09,638
[laughter]
459
00:23:09,721 --> 00:23:14,059
This nigga didn't miss a scripture.
I knew we was gonna be there a long time,
460
00:23:14,142 --> 00:23:16,895
'cause the nigga done come out
talking about, "In the beginning."
461
00:23:17,646 --> 00:23:19,189
I said, "The beginning?
462
00:23:20,649 --> 00:23:23,485
What do Adam and Eve
got to do with a funeral?
463
00:23:23,568 --> 00:23:26,988
Let her go.
She's supposed to be with the Lord."
464
00:23:27,072 --> 00:23:29,241
CNN was there.
They was unplugging their shit.
465
00:23:29,324 --> 00:23:31,159
"Come on. Let's get the fuck out of here.
466
00:23:31,701 --> 00:23:33,703
We've been here for three weeks.
467
00:23:34,412 --> 00:23:36,706
Don Lemon is supposed to be
on TV right now."
468
00:23:37,415 --> 00:23:40,168
I kept hollering at the TV, "Let her go."
469
00:23:40,252 --> 00:23:43,922
I knew it was long when Aretha got up
to change dresses.
470
00:23:44,005 --> 00:23:45,423
[laughter]
471
00:23:45,507 --> 00:23:49,219
"I'm gonna wear something different
in the second half of the funeral."
472
00:23:49,302 --> 00:23:54,975
I said, "The second half?
Who has a halftime at a funeral?
473
00:23:55,058 --> 00:23:58,979
Let her go.
She's supposed to be with the Lord."
474
00:23:59,646 --> 00:24:03,233
That funeral was so long, nigga.
They held it in Detroit so long,
475
00:24:03,316 --> 00:24:07,487
by the time she finally did make it
to the pearly gates to get into heaven,
476
00:24:07,571 --> 00:24:11,032
an angel came to the door
and said, "God's gone.
477
00:24:12,450 --> 00:24:14,911
You were supposed to be in here
three weeks ago.
478
00:24:14,995 --> 00:24:17,622
He touched you on the 3rd. It's the 21st.
479
00:24:18,373 --> 00:24:20,458
I know you're the queen,
but he's the king.
480
00:24:21,877 --> 00:24:25,130
You just can't have the Lord
just waiting for you, Aretha.
481
00:24:25,213 --> 00:24:27,549
This is no kind of respect.
482
00:24:27,632 --> 00:24:29,551
You're gonna have to go to hell."
483
00:24:31,011 --> 00:24:33,471
That would be fucked up, though,
if you made it to heaven,
484
00:24:33,555 --> 00:24:35,891
but you fucked around
and got to the gate late.
485
00:24:36,558 --> 00:24:41,396
You know, you look on the board, like,
"Ooh, my name up there. Shit, I made it."
486
00:24:41,479 --> 00:24:44,399
You see some of your boys,
like, "Damn, you ain't get in.
487
00:24:45,317 --> 00:24:48,862
Damn, man. I heard
it's gonna be hot where you going.
488
00:24:48,945 --> 00:24:50,739
Told you to go to Bible study."
489
00:24:50,822 --> 00:24:53,950
You're taking your time.
"Nigga, I got in."
490
00:24:54,034 --> 00:24:56,328
And you get to the gate,
and you see 'em locking.
491
00:24:56,411 --> 00:24:58,330
You're like, "Hold up, nigga, I'm here.
492
00:24:59,623 --> 00:25:02,167
I ain't moving my foot.
I'm supposed to be in there.
493
00:25:03,418 --> 00:25:06,963
You just can't lock a nigga out of here.
What kind of bullshit is this?
494
00:25:07,047 --> 00:25:12,052
You ain't say what time you had to be
at the gate. This is some bullshit."
495
00:25:12,135 --> 00:25:14,888
You be peeping in there.
"Ooh, it look nice in there.
496
00:25:15,847 --> 00:25:19,684
Heaven's everything they say in the Bible.
Uh-uh. Nigga, I'm getting in."
497
00:25:19,768 --> 00:25:22,604
You be like, "Come on, man.
This is bullshit.
498
00:25:23,230 --> 00:25:25,065
I'm on Jesus's list."
499
00:25:25,941 --> 00:25:30,320
You be like, "It real nice in there.
Did my mama make it?
500
00:25:30,403 --> 00:25:32,948
Did she make it into heaven? She did?
501
00:25:33,031 --> 00:25:34,741
Could you tell her I'm out here?
502
00:25:34,824 --> 00:25:36,201
[laughter]
503
00:25:36,284 --> 00:25:41,373
And tell her that angel right there
won't let me in. This is some bullshit."
504
00:25:41,456 --> 00:25:44,417
If your mama came
and seen you was late getting to the gate,
505
00:25:44,501 --> 00:25:46,336
she would cuss your ass out.
506
00:25:46,419 --> 00:25:49,381
"The fuck wrong with you?
Got me using this kind of language.
507
00:25:49,464 --> 00:25:52,050
You were late. Get your ass over there.
You were late getting in."
508
00:25:52,133 --> 00:25:54,594
"I'm sorry. I was on time.
That was the angel.
509
00:25:54,678 --> 00:25:56,471
He hates me and everything."
510
00:25:56,554 --> 00:26:00,225
"Get your ass over there while I go
find Jesus, see can I get you in.
511
00:26:01,226 --> 00:26:03,603
Stand over there with the rest
of them heathens."
512
00:26:04,312 --> 00:26:07,315
"I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm so sorry."
513
00:26:07,399 --> 00:26:11,820
You go back and stand on the side
with everybody else that couldn't get in.
514
00:26:12,946 --> 00:26:16,074
"I think I'm getting in.
515
00:26:16,157 --> 00:26:19,035
My mom been knowing Jesus her whole life.
516
00:26:19,119 --> 00:26:20,495
[laughter]
517
00:26:20,578 --> 00:26:22,872
I know she got a plus-one.
518
00:26:25,667 --> 00:26:30,672
Your mama ain't get in?
She didn't? Not at all?
519
00:26:30,755 --> 00:26:32,632
Man, I'm sorry to hear that.
520
00:26:33,675 --> 00:26:36,845
I'll be-- I'm about to get in there.
I'ma get in.
521
00:26:36,928 --> 00:26:39,681
When I get in there, you want me
to tell somebody you out here?
522
00:26:41,224 --> 00:26:43,393
You don't know nobody that made it?
523
00:26:44,144 --> 00:26:47,063
All the people you know, you don't
know nobody you think made it?
524
00:26:47,772 --> 00:26:50,483
Nobody? That's fucked up.
525
00:26:51,151 --> 00:26:55,447
Oh, here come Jesus with my mama.
I'll see you later, Joel Osteen."
526
00:26:55,530 --> 00:26:57,782
[laughter]
527
00:27:06,750 --> 00:27:08,668
"This is my Bible."
528
00:27:13,048 --> 00:27:16,092
My son just turned 18 years old.
529
00:27:16,176 --> 00:27:19,971
Best day of my life,
because he's one of the trios I have.
530
00:27:20,055 --> 00:27:22,307
I have three kids, and he's the last.
531
00:27:22,390 --> 00:27:25,143
Eighteen years old,
and as a man that's in his 50s,
532
00:27:25,226 --> 00:27:27,479
when you see your kids get 18 years old,
533
00:27:27,562 --> 00:27:30,231
that is your chance
for you to live your life.
534
00:27:30,315 --> 00:27:32,525
-[applause]
-I tell my kids all the time,
535
00:27:32,609 --> 00:27:36,237
"Once you turn 18,
our relationship has changed."
536
00:27:36,821 --> 00:27:39,199
"How is that, Daddy?"
I said, "Let me explain.
537
00:27:39,282 --> 00:27:44,162
I am no longer the provider.
I am the adviser.
538
00:27:45,163 --> 00:27:50,377
So when you've got a problem now, I say,
'This is what I would do if I was you.'
539
00:27:51,252 --> 00:27:54,089
But you was raised right, nigga.
Make good decisions.
540
00:27:54,172 --> 00:27:57,342
Close the door so me
and your future stepmama can get busy."
541
00:27:58,051 --> 00:28:02,263
No, man, when your kids become an adult,
it is your time to capture
542
00:28:02,347 --> 00:28:06,059
the things that you wanted to do
that you sacrificed by raising them.
543
00:28:06,142 --> 00:28:09,521
I tell people all the time,
kids are the most expensive thing
544
00:28:09,604 --> 00:28:12,399
you will ever purchase,
to ever have in your life,
545
00:28:12,482 --> 00:28:15,652
'cause they-- at the maximum,
they are dream killers.
546
00:28:17,112 --> 00:28:20,073
At the minimum, nigga,
they are dream delayers.
547
00:28:20,782 --> 00:28:24,494
'Cause you done put what you wanted to do
to facilitate their growth.
548
00:28:24,577 --> 00:28:28,081
And when they get 18, it's your time
to do the things you need to do,
549
00:28:28,164 --> 00:28:30,083
'cause you're in
the fourth quarter of your life.
550
00:28:30,166 --> 00:28:31,209
But some of y'all don't.
551
00:28:31,292 --> 00:28:35,338
Y'all still be in your kids' lives when
they're 18 as if they was an adolescent.
552
00:28:35,422 --> 00:28:36,756
And I don't blame most of y'all,
553
00:28:36,840 --> 00:28:39,926
because y'all let these kids
around here manipulate you.
554
00:28:40,009 --> 00:28:41,928
Because them kids
throw their guilt on you.
555
00:28:42,011 --> 00:28:44,889
They've been in your life
and seen some of the times
556
00:28:44,973 --> 00:28:48,852
when you was at your lowest point,
and they throw that shit in your face.
557
00:28:48,935 --> 00:28:52,814
They also know there's things you wanted
to do for them that you couldn't do,
558
00:28:52,897 --> 00:28:55,734
and you feel guilty,
and they play that shit on you.
559
00:28:55,817 --> 00:28:58,445
And I'm telling you right now,
from the bottom of my heart,
560
00:28:58,528 --> 00:29:00,155
fuck these kids.
561
00:29:00,238 --> 00:29:01,740
[laughter]
562
00:29:01,823 --> 00:29:04,784
Don't you let these motherfuckers
fuck with you.
563
00:29:04,868 --> 00:29:09,247
I'ma tell you right now. If you did
everything to the best of your ability
564
00:29:09,330 --> 00:29:13,001
to provide for your kids,
you are a great-ass parent.
565
00:29:13,084 --> 00:29:16,588
Don't you let these little motherfuckers
make you feel bad.
566
00:29:17,213 --> 00:29:20,425
I'm telling you right goddamn now.
567
00:29:20,508 --> 00:29:24,137
I wish one of my kids
would tell me I'm not a great-ass father.
568
00:29:24,220 --> 00:29:26,222
I only got one question for 'em:
569
00:29:26,306 --> 00:29:30,810
"If I'm not a great father, nigga,
who are you comparing me to?
570
00:29:30,894 --> 00:29:34,773
Who is this mythological Black man
you think gonna make the sacrifices I did
571
00:29:34,856 --> 00:29:36,774
and all this for you like I did?
572
00:29:36,858 --> 00:29:40,236
Take you to all these activities,
go to your basketball game,
573
00:29:40,320 --> 00:29:43,907
be there for three hours,
and your ass don't even get in the game.
574
00:29:43,990 --> 00:29:45,200
[laughter]
575
00:29:45,783 --> 00:29:48,119
Me and you sitting on the bench.
576
00:29:48,786 --> 00:29:51,623
You could have FaceTimed me this bullshit,
577
00:29:51,706 --> 00:29:54,751
sitting over there
like you're assistant coach and shit.
578
00:29:56,085 --> 00:29:59,088
Since we're comparing,
you ain't a good-ass child.
579
00:29:59,881 --> 00:30:02,675
Almost lost my job fucking with your ass."
580
00:30:03,343 --> 00:30:04,844
Fuck these kids.
581
00:30:06,387 --> 00:30:08,139
These ain't jokes.
582
00:30:08,223 --> 00:30:11,142
I had the time to spend time with my son,
and it made me learn
583
00:30:11,226 --> 00:30:13,561
that our kids are not built like us.
584
00:30:13,645 --> 00:30:17,398
My son don't have no swag.
Zero. Nada. None.
585
00:30:17,482 --> 00:30:19,567
I told him the other day,
"Let's ride, Clyde."
586
00:30:19,651 --> 00:30:21,861
This nigga was like, "Who's Clyde, Daddy?"
587
00:30:22,487 --> 00:30:23,947
"Get your ass in the car."
588
00:30:24,614 --> 00:30:29,744
"I just want to know who Clyde is.
Is he a friend of yours?"
589
00:30:29,828 --> 00:30:31,454
"No, nigga. You're Clyde."
590
00:30:32,121 --> 00:30:34,791
"Mm-mmm. My name's Nathaniel."
591
00:30:34,874 --> 00:30:36,918
"Open your mouth. Let me swab you."
592
00:30:38,294 --> 00:30:41,673
You gotta understand. You can't raise
your kids the way you was raised.
593
00:30:41,756 --> 00:30:47,095
It does not apply. The way we was raised
does not have nothing to do with our kids.
594
00:30:47,178 --> 00:30:52,475
You gotta understand that we are
inner-city parents raising suburban kids,
595
00:30:52,559 --> 00:30:54,811
so all the things we went through
does not apply
596
00:30:54,894 --> 00:30:57,355
to these little, soft motherfuckers
we're dealing with.
597
00:30:58,022 --> 00:31:00,817
You put your hands on your kids,
just one of the ass whuppings
598
00:31:00,900 --> 00:31:03,278
that your mother and father gave you,
put it on your kid,
599
00:31:03,361 --> 00:31:05,863
you'll scar these little,
soft motherfuckers for life.
600
00:31:07,615 --> 00:31:09,742
They can't do it.
I just tried to punish my son.
601
00:31:09,826 --> 00:31:13,162
Sent him to his room.
This nigga writes a suicide note.
602
00:31:14,205 --> 00:31:16,833
He be in there. "Daddy, I don't know
how long I can take this shit.
603
00:31:17,667 --> 00:31:19,127
The walls are coming in on me."
604
00:31:19,919 --> 00:31:21,796
I said, "This nigga
could never go to jail."
605
00:31:22,672 --> 00:31:25,300
He can't even stay in his own room
with an Xbox.
606
00:31:27,260 --> 00:31:28,511
These ain't jokes.
607
00:31:29,304 --> 00:31:32,348
My son got a concussion
from falling in grass.
608
00:31:33,600 --> 00:31:36,060
He was in the hospital for three weeks.
609
00:31:36,144 --> 00:31:39,230
"Hey, what happened to him?"
I said, "He tripped out back."
610
00:31:40,356 --> 00:31:41,899
They ain't built like us.
611
00:31:41,983 --> 00:31:46,070
You buy 'em a bike, you gotta get
a helmet, shoulder pads, knee pads.
612
00:31:46,154 --> 00:31:48,948
"You playing football or riding a bike,
motherfucker?"
613
00:31:49,741 --> 00:31:51,618
They're not built like us.
614
00:31:51,701 --> 00:31:56,289
We used to go to the park,
get on the swing set, and wrap the pole.
615
00:31:57,040 --> 00:32:00,209
Let one of these kids go to a swing set
and try to wrap the pole.
616
00:32:00,293 --> 00:32:02,295
Come back, chain around their neck.
617
00:32:02,378 --> 00:32:03,421
[laughter]
618
00:32:03,504 --> 00:32:04,631
[imitates crying]
619
00:32:04,714 --> 00:32:07,133
And you're like,
"Get your ass down from there."
620
00:32:07,216 --> 00:32:10,345
"Why? You said go around"--
"Get your motherfucking ass"…
621
00:32:11,387 --> 00:32:13,181
They're not built like us.
622
00:32:13,264 --> 00:32:15,600
Can't leave 'em in the car when it's hot.
623
00:32:15,683 --> 00:32:17,518
[laughter]
624
00:32:19,312 --> 00:32:21,689
Our mother left us in the car
when it was hot.
625
00:32:22,482 --> 00:32:24,567
We were just smart enough
to get the fuck out
626
00:32:26,194 --> 00:32:28,529
and look at the door to see
when she coming out.
627
00:32:29,197 --> 00:32:31,741
"Oh, here she come.
Get back in the car. Get back.
628
00:32:31,824 --> 00:32:33,451
That's right. I was sitting over here.
629
00:32:33,534 --> 00:32:36,245
You're right. You're right.
I was over here. You're right."
630
00:32:36,329 --> 00:32:37,747
Fuck her!
631
00:32:39,040 --> 00:32:41,709
It don't take you no three hours
getting no tuna fish.
632
00:32:43,211 --> 00:32:45,672
Our kids just stay in the car and die.
[grunts]
633
00:32:46,255 --> 00:32:48,007
"Get your ass out of the car!"
634
00:32:48,091 --> 00:32:51,552
"You said, 'Don't get out.'"
"It's 200 degrees, motherfucker."
635
00:32:59,394 --> 00:33:02,605
Die in the car, stupid motherfuckers.
636
00:33:03,314 --> 00:33:05,024
Fuck these kids.
637
00:33:05,108 --> 00:33:07,360
But you ain't got to put
your hands on no kids.
638
00:33:07,443 --> 00:33:09,278
Your kids ain't doing
what they supposed to do,
639
00:33:09,362 --> 00:33:10,988
I've done found their Achilles' heel.
640
00:33:11,072 --> 00:33:14,742
I know exactly what you can get,
how you can get 'em
641
00:33:14,826 --> 00:33:17,328
if they ain't doing what the fuck
they supposed to do.
642
00:33:17,412 --> 00:33:19,330
Found their weakness.
643
00:33:19,414 --> 00:33:21,040
No, it ain't the phone. No.
644
00:33:21,708 --> 00:33:25,211
All you need to do,
turn that motherfucking Wi-Fi off.
645
00:33:25,294 --> 00:33:26,879
[laughter]
646
00:33:27,463 --> 00:33:29,257
They on that shit like crack.
647
00:33:30,425 --> 00:33:31,759
I ain't lying to you.
648
00:33:31,843 --> 00:33:34,512
My son, he be upstairs. I be calling him,
"Come downstairs, nigga."
649
00:33:34,595 --> 00:33:37,432
Acting like he don't hear me.
I don't even call him no more.
650
00:33:37,515 --> 00:33:41,102
He don't do what the fuck he's supposed
to do, all I do is unplug that Wi-Fi.
651
00:33:41,185 --> 00:33:42,186
[grunts]
652
00:33:42,270 --> 00:33:44,480
Then they come in.
"Daddy, we ain't got no signal.
653
00:33:45,440 --> 00:33:49,110
Signal, Daddy! Signal!
I was playing Fortnite Halloween.
654
00:33:49,193 --> 00:33:51,654
Daddy, I ain't got no signal."
655
00:33:51,738 --> 00:33:54,282
I said, "This nigga is cracking.
Look at him."
656
00:33:54,365 --> 00:33:56,200
"I ain't got no signal, Daddy.
657
00:33:56,284 --> 00:33:59,078
It's got Halloween in it and everything."
658
00:33:59,162 --> 00:34:01,080
He's looking at me.
"Daddy, you got a signal?"
659
00:34:01,164 --> 00:34:02,582
I say, "I got a signal."
660
00:34:03,916 --> 00:34:05,126
"I ain't got a signal."
661
00:34:05,209 --> 00:34:07,086
"Take that trash out, nigga.
662
00:34:07,170 --> 00:34:10,923
You take that trash out, nigga,
I see 5G in your future."
663
00:34:11,007 --> 00:34:14,135
I'm Earthquake. I love y'all all day long.
664
00:34:14,218 --> 00:34:15,428
This is how we do it.
665
00:34:15,511 --> 00:34:17,513
["Czar" playing]
666
00:34:18,765 --> 00:34:21,559
[all chanting]
Southeast, south, southeast.
667
00:34:21,642 --> 00:34:24,395
Southeast, south, southeast.
668
00:34:24,479 --> 00:34:30,193
Southeast, south, southeast.
Southeast, south, southeast.
669
00:34:30,276 --> 00:34:32,779
Southeast, south, southeast.
670
00:34:39,535 --> 00:34:42,330
♪ Bitch, it's my city
You get smacked silly ♪
671
00:34:42,413 --> 00:34:44,916
♪ Thought it was yours, gimme
Prepared to shut shit down ♪
672
00:34:44,999 --> 00:34:47,543
♪ Nigga, fuck with me
Jail music for riots ♪
673
00:34:47,627 --> 00:34:51,547
♪ Gangstas buck 50
Fuck the place up till I turn 160 ♪
674
00:34:51,631 --> 00:34:54,092
♪ Now I'm here to switch it up
Motherfucker, lift it up ♪
675
00:34:54,175 --> 00:34:56,719
♪ Get you niggas drunk
Till you lay in your bed and piss it up ♪
676
00:34:56,803 --> 00:34:59,347
♪ Now I'm back with the coke
It'll make you all sniff it up ♪
677
00:34:59,430 --> 00:35:02,225
♪ And skrrt, skrrt in the Wraith
Watch me Tokyo Drift it up ♪
678
00:35:02,308 --> 00:35:04,811
♪ Take this loss, all day sauce ♪
679
00:35:04,894 --> 00:35:07,522
♪ Take chains off, everything off ♪
680
00:35:07,605 --> 00:35:10,191
♪ Take it all in her mouth
And make the stray cough ♪
681
00:35:10,274 --> 00:35:12,819
♪ Cocaine boss, all day floss ♪
682
00:35:12,902 --> 00:35:15,404
♪ Foul niggas know we on the ground
And we live it up ♪
683
00:35:15,488 --> 00:35:18,199
♪ And drown cases of Goose
Till I frown and we spit it up ♪
684
00:35:18,282 --> 00:35:20,868
♪ Got us running through it
Got a hundred, stupid ♪
685
00:35:20,952 --> 00:35:23,538
♪ Now we 'bout to lose it
Y'all don't wanna do it ♪
686
00:35:23,621 --> 00:35:26,165
♪ Watch the way we mix it up
Hate the way we fix it up ♪
687
00:35:26,249 --> 00:35:28,793
♪ Anyway, shawty get on her knees
And now she licks it up ♪
688
00:35:28,876 --> 00:35:31,629
♪ Red carpet swag on a nigga
When they flick shit up ♪
689
00:35:31,712 --> 00:35:34,382
♪ Rich Porter prices on the coke
You see the bricks is up ♪
690
00:35:34,465 --> 00:35:36,717
♪ So far, shawties throw they bra ♪
691
00:35:36,801 --> 00:35:39,720
♪ And I need the lighter
To light the perfect cigar ♪
692
00:35:39,804 --> 00:35:42,223
♪ Brand-new jet, brand-new car ♪
693
00:35:42,306 --> 00:35:44,851
♪ Leader of the new shit, brand-new Czar ♪
694
00:35:44,934 --> 00:35:47,603
♪ Light switch off, Cuban link cross ♪
695
00:35:47,687 --> 00:35:50,106
♪ The shine bright up the evening
Diamonds criss-cross ♪
696
00:35:50,189 --> 00:35:52,692
♪ If you ain't out here to find it
Time to get lost ♪
697
00:35:52,775 --> 00:35:55,403
♪ In case you niggas ain't know
Bitch, I get busy ♪
698
00:35:55,486 --> 00:35:58,364
♪ Like a silverback grizzly
Rolled up some more sticky ♪
699
00:35:58,447 --> 00:36:01,242
♪ Every hood to every block
Brought them all with me ♪
700
00:36:01,325 --> 00:36:04,370
[imitating gunshots]
"What you doing?" "Saving democracy."