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Downloaded from
YTS.MX

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<i>["Relax" by</i>
<i>Frankie Goes To Hollywood playing]</i>

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Official YIFY movies site:
YTS.MX

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<i>[cheers, applause]</i>

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<i>[audience applauding]</i>

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<i>["Relax" continues]</i>

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<i>[indistinct mouthing]</i>

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<i>["Relax" fades out]</i>

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<i>Oh! New York City!</i>

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<i>Yeah, dudes!</i>

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<i>[audience cheering]</i>

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<i>Oh! Thank you guys so much for being here.</i>
<i>I'm so happy.</i>

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<i>[audience cheering]</i>

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<i>Ah!</i>

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<i>Ah! I'm so happy to be</i>
<i>away from my family.</i>

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<i>[cheers]</i>

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<i>[chuckles]</i>

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<i>Man, I got two little boys</i>

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<i>and a cisgendered male husband. Boo!</i>

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<i>[laughter]</i>

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<i>Man, it is all dicks, all day.</i>

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<i>[laughter]</i>

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<i>My house has less feminine energy</i>
<i>than Sarah Huckabee Sanders.</i>

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<i>Holy shit.</i>

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<i>[audience laughing]</i>

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<i>I am the only clam on the menu</i>
<i>at Long Dong Silver.</i>

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<i>Oh my God,</i>
<i>and the last baby I pumped out of me</i>

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<i>was ten pounds, ten ounces.</i>

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<i>-[audience cheering]</i>
<i>-Yeah.</i>

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<i>Boom!</i>

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<i>Talk about a vag blaster.</i>

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<i>Wrecked my cold cut combo.</i>

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<i>[laughter]</i>

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<i>Slayed my sausage wallet.</i>

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<i>Destroyed my whisker biscuit.</i>

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<i>Bloodier than a Mexican town</i>
<i>in a drug war.</i>

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<i>[laughter]</i>

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<i>Oh, like a goddamn IED went off</i>
<i>down there, folks.</i>

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<i>And here's the deal…</i>

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<i>I have had not one,</i>

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<i>I have had two episiotomies.</i>

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<i>-[audience] Ooh!</i>
<i>-Do you know what that is?</i>

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<i>[woman] Yes!</i>

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<i>It's where they cut your taint.</i>

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<i>Now, it's an "ain't."</i>

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<i>[laughter]</i>

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<i>Just a big HOV lane for waste.</i>

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<i>[audience cheering]</i>

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<i>Oh my God, it's so messed up.</i>

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<i>After you have a baby,</i>

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<i>the doctors have the nerve to ask you</i>

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<i>if you think you </i>might <i>have</i>
<i>postpartum depression.</i>

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<i>They go, "It's a mental illness.</i>
<i>It's a syndrome." [smacking lips]</i>

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<i>I'm like, "If you're not depressed</i>
<i>after having a baby,</i>

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<i>you're mentally ill."</i>

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<i>[laughter]</i>

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<i>[audience applauding]</i>

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<i>Yeah.</i>

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<i>Because, first of all, okay,</i>

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<i>you're fatter than Bert Kreischer.</i>

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<i>[laughter]</i>

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<i>-That was for you. You, you, you!</i>
<i>-[audience cheering]</i>

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<i>[laughing hysterically]</i>

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<i>You're so fucking fat, and--</i>

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<i>and because I've squeezed people</i>
<i>out of me,</i>

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<i>every time I cough,</i>

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<i>I pee just a tiny little bit.</i>

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<i>Not a lot, it's just a whisper,</i>

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<i>just a dollop, just a mwah!</i>

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<i>Kisses my panty just like,</i>

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<i>"You're gorgeous."</i>
<i>Just a little something.</i>

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<i>Not enough to merit</i>
<i>an underwear change in my mind…</i>

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<i>[laughter]</i>

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<i>…so instead I walk around</i>
<i>in piss pants most of the time.</i>

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<i>[applause]</i>

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<i>Thank you.</i>

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<i>And I don't change my underwear</i>

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<i>because I'm exhausted.</i>

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<i>I'm too tired</i>
<i>because I have a three-year-old</i>

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<i>and a six-year-old boy,</i>

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<i>and they want too much</i>
<i>from parents these days. Too much.</i>

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<i>The school asked me</i>
<i>to pack nut-free granola bars.</i>

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<i>[laughter]</i>

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<i>Nut</i>

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<i>free</i>

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<i>granola bars.</i>

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<i>I'm like, "Do you mean a KitKat?"</i>

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<i>[laughter]</i>

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<i>"Here's a Thermos full of Mountain Dew."</i>

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<i>"Enjoy him today."</i>

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<i>[laughter]</i>

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<i>Insanity. They gave my three-year-old,</i>
my three-year-old,<i> a progress report.</i>

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<i>I'm like, "Can we hold off on paperwork</i>
<i>'till he knows the difference between</i>

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<i>spaghetti and 'pasketti'? How about that?"</i>

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<i>[laughter]</i>

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<i>And the teacher said,</i>
<i>"Julian is a nice boy,</i>

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<i>but he doesn't play with all the kids."</i>

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<i>And I said, "Good."</i>

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<i>[laughter]</i>

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<i>"Have you seen</i>
<i>these goddamn losers in his class?"</i>

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<i>[laughter, cheers]</i>

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<i>[audience applauding, cheering]</i>

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<i>Yeah.</i>

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<i>Well,</i>

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<i>I'd say spotting a loser is more important</i>
<i>than learning to read, don't you think?</i>

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<i>[cheers]</i>

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<i>It's too much. It's too much.</i>

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<i>I want to be an '80s mom. An '80s mom.</i>

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<i>Oh! They had it the best, didn't they?</i>

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<i>There used to be a commercial</i>
<i>that came on at ten o'clock at night</i>

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<i>that said, "It's ten p.m.,</i>
<i>do you know where your children are?"</i>

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<i>[cheers]</i>

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<i>They had to remind bitches</i>
<i>they even had kids.</i>

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<i>[audience applauding]</i>

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<i>Come on.</i>

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<i>Talk about the Golden Age of motherhood.</i>

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<i>Now they tell moms, "Oh, your kid</i>
<i>has to eat the rainbow of vegetables."</i>

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<i>"Eat the rainbow of vegetables."</i>

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<i>Dude, growing up,</i>
<i>I ate two colors, red and yellow.</i>

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<i>McDonald's, three times a week at least.</i>

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<i>-At least.</i>
<i>-[cheers]</i>

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<i>Those Happy Meals</i>
<i>sure make you sad, don't they?</i>

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<i>[audience laughing]</i>

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<i>All the salt and preservatives.</i>

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<i>"Mommy, my left arm is numb."</i>

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<i>[laughter]</i>

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<i>[groans]</i>
<i>"Is this what delicious feels like? Ah."</i>

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<i>The '80s, man.</i>

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<i>There was no "mindful parenting."</i>

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<i>My mom used to cuss me out</i>
<i>in the JCPenney parking lot</i>

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<i>in Hungarian…</i>

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<i>[audience cheering]</i>

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<i>…screaming at me--</i>

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<i>[shouting in Hungarian]</i>

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<i>[laughter]</i>

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<i>Which translates to,</i>

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<i>"I'm gonna hit your head so hard</i>

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<i>you're gonna shit your pants."</i>

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<i>[laughter]</i>

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<i>[laughing hysterically]</i>

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<i>Yeah, you could hit your kid.</i>
<i>Hell, you could hit other people's kids.</i>

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<i>-[audience laughing]</i>
<i>-That wasn't illegal.</i>

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<i>You were doing that mom a favor.</i>

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<i>[belches]</i>

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<i>[laughter]</i>

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<i>[audience applauding, cheering]</i>

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<i>You see me. You really, really see me.</i>
<i>[chuckles]</i>

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<i>[cheers continue]</i>

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<i>Now, I'm not saying</i>
<i>that the '80s were perfect</i>

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<i>or that child abuse is right…</i>

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<i>[laughter]</i>

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<i>…but here's the thing…</i>

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<i>[laughter]</i>

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<i>…well, you need a little strife</i>
<i>in your life,</i>

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<i>a little struggle,</i>

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<i>a little "putting a brick in it."</i>

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<i>Why? To create resilience.</i>

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<i>Resilience!</i>

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<i>Okay? '80s weren't perfect,</i>
<i>but I'll tell you what they didn't have.</i>

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<i>There were no uh, safe spaces.</i>
<i>[imitating fart]</i>

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<i>[laughter]</i>

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<i>There were no trigger warnings.</i>

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<i>[laughter]</i>

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<i>And there were</i>
<i>no fucking peanut allergies.</i>

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<i>[audience cheering, applauding]</i>

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<i>Well…</i>

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<i>Why? Because for thousands of years,</i>

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<i>the only people who could have children</i>

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<i>were ones who could hunt for food,</i>

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<i>build shelter,</i>

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<i>and fight saber-toothed tigers.</i>

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<i>[audience laughing]</i>

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<i>Now, there are people having kids</i>

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<i>who can't eat wheat.</i>

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<i>[laughter]</i>

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<i>[laughter continues]</i>

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<i>[audience applauding]</i>

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<i>[mocking] "Uh, but Christina,</i>
<i>it's an allergy."</i>

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<i>"You don't know."</i>

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<i>Well, I do know I ain't fucking a guy</i>
<i>that's scared of toast.</i>

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<i>[laughter]</i>

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<i>Yeah.</i>

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<i>Let me tell you something,</i>
<i>my favorite question</i>

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<i>when I go to a restaurant</i>
<i>is when a waiter asks me,</i>

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<i>"Ma'am, do you have</i>
<i>any food sensitivities?"</i>

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<i>I can't fucking laugh hard enough.</i>

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<i>[laughing] I'm like, "No, boo-boo, no."</i>

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<i>[snorts] "No, I have…</i>
<i>I have zero 'sensitivities'</i>

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<i>"to anything fucking ever…</i>

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<i>[laughter]</i>

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<i>…because I'm Generation X."</i>

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<i>[audience cheering]</i>

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<i>Yeah.</i>

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<i>I'm Gen X, man.</i>

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<i>I grew up playing on scorching hot</i>
<i>metal monkey bars in the middle of summer.</i>

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<i>And when I fell,</i>
<i>it wasn't onto foam or mulch,</i>

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<i>I fell onto a dead hobo.</i>

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<i>[audience laughing]</i>

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<i>Yes, I grew up swimming in the L.A. River.</i>

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<i>It's not a river, it's a sewer.</i>

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<i>[laughter]</i>

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<i>And back in the day, everyone got bullied.</i>

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<i>Everyone got bullied.</i>

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<i>And then when you went home</i>
<i>and told your parents about it,</i>

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<i>they would bully you</i>
<i>for not standing up for yourself.</i>

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<i>[applause]</i>

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<i>Fuck it, dude, I'm an '80s mom.</i>
<i>I'm an '80s mom.</i>

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<i>I'll tell you what, I let my kids jump</i>
<i>from the couch to the coffee table…</i>

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<i>[shouting] …'cause that's</i>
<i>what baby teeth are for!</i>

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<i>[cheers]</i>

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<i>[audience applauding]</i>

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<i>Yes.</i>

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<i>[audience continues applauding]</i>

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<i>Yes. Yes.</i>

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<i>[imitating preacher] Yes, I believe.</i>
<i>I believe…</i>

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<i>[laughter]</i>

217
00:10:26.834 --> 00:10:30.087
<i>… that eating floor Cheerios</i>
<i>makes you strong.</i>

218
00:10:30.171 --> 00:10:32.632
<i>[audience cheering]</i>

219
00:10:32.715 --> 00:10:35.051
<i>"Better than vaccine!"</i>

220
00:10:35.134 --> 00:10:36.636
<i>[laughter]</i>

221
00:10:36.719 --> 00:10:38.179
<i>There's a game in my house,</i>

222
00:10:38.262 --> 00:10:41.307
<i>if there's food on the floor</i>
<i>and you can beat the dog to it,</i>

223
00:10:41.390 --> 00:10:43.100
<i>it's yours.</i>

224
00:10:43.184 --> 00:10:44.310
<i>[laughter]</i>

225
00:10:47.271 --> 00:10:50.608
<i>I teach my children how to lie properly.</i>

226
00:10:50.691 --> 00:10:51.692
<i>[cheers]</i>

227
00:10:51.776 --> 00:10:53.819
<i>Well, that's an important life skill,</i>

228
00:10:54.320 --> 00:10:57.198
<i>'cause one day</i>
<i>they're gonna grow up and have a boss.</i>

229
00:10:58.574 --> 00:11:00.910
<i>Oh, honesty is the best policy?</i>

230
00:11:00.993 --> 00:11:02.161
<i>[laughing]</i>

231
00:11:02.244 --> 00:11:04.997
<i>Not when I've spent</i>
<i>two hours of company time on TikTok.</i>

232
00:11:05.081 --> 00:11:07.249
<i>-[continues laughing]</i>
<i>-[cheers]</i>

233
00:11:07.333 --> 00:11:08.292
<i>Yeah.</i>

234
00:11:09.835 --> 00:11:12.088
<i>I let my children watch cartoons.</i>

235
00:11:12.171 --> 00:11:14.507
<i>Old school ones, bros. Old school.</i>

236
00:11:14.590 --> 00:11:16.467
<i>I go Bugs Bunny, bam!</i>

237
00:11:16.550 --> 00:11:17.760
<i>[cheers]</i>

238
00:11:17.843 --> 00:11:20.304
<i>-Woody Woodpecker, boom!</i>
<i>-[cheers]</i>

239
00:11:20.388 --> 00:11:22.348
<i>Pepé Le Pew.</i>

240
00:11:22.431 --> 00:11:24.183
<i>[audience cheering]</i>

241
00:11:25.601 --> 00:11:29.146
<i>[mocking] "Oh, but, Christina,</i>
<i>Pepé's problematic."</i>

242
00:11:29.230 --> 00:11:31.148
<i>[audience laughing]</i>

243
00:11:31.232 --> 00:11:33.317
<i>Well, I talk to my kids and I say,</i>

244
00:11:33.401 --> 00:11:37.780
<i>"Hey, not all French are rapists."</i>

245
00:11:37.863 --> 00:11:42.243
<i>[laughter]</i>

246
00:11:42.326 --> 00:11:44.870
<i>"But they do smell like shit."</i>

247
00:11:44.954 --> 00:11:49.625
<i>[audience cheering, applauding]</i>

248
00:11:55.214 --> 00:11:56.257
<i>[chuckling] So…</i>

249
00:12:00.761 --> 00:12:03.139
<i>Mmm. Back when I lived in California,</i>

250
00:12:03.222 --> 00:12:05.474
<i>uh, there's a helmet law that says</i>

251
00:12:05.558 --> 00:12:07.518
<i>every time your kid rides a bicycle,</i>

252
00:12:07.601 --> 00:12:09.520
<i>you have to put a helmet on them,</i>

253
00:12:10.521 --> 00:12:11.522
<i>and I did it</i>

254
00:12:11.605 --> 00:12:13.691
<i>because I'm an amazing fucking mom.</i>

255
00:12:14.191 --> 00:12:16.360
<i>[cheers]</i>

256
00:12:16.861 --> 00:12:18.279
<i>But in my heart,</i>

257
00:12:18.779 --> 00:12:20.156
<i>in my soul,</i>

258
00:12:20.948 --> 00:12:21.866
<i>I'd be like…</i>

259
00:12:22.366 --> 00:12:25.286
<i>[tuts] "This fucking pussy shit."</i>

260
00:12:25.369 --> 00:12:26.746
<i>[laughter]</i>

261
00:12:28.706 --> 00:12:31.125
<i>Are you joking? A helmet?</i>

262
00:12:31.625 --> 00:12:33.085
<i>To ride a bicycle?</i>

263
00:12:33.169 --> 00:12:36.505
<i>Is there anything</i>
<i>more embarrassing in life?</i>

264
00:12:37.715 --> 00:12:40.593
<i>Right? 'Cause growing up in school,</i>
<i>there was that one kid</i>

265
00:12:40.676 --> 00:12:42.928
<i>who wore a helmet and didn't ride a bike,</i>

266
00:12:43.012 --> 00:12:44.054
<i>if you catch my--</i>

267
00:12:44.138 --> 00:12:46.807
<i>[laughter]</i>

268
00:12:49.018 --> 00:12:51.645
<i>Maybe tore tickets at the movie theater.</i>

269
00:12:51.729 --> 00:12:53.606
<i>[audience] Ooh!</i>

270
00:12:54.648 --> 00:12:59.361
<i>Ooh! Maybe collected</i>
<i>shopping carts in the parking lot.</i>

271
00:12:59.445 --> 00:13:02.573
<i>[laughter]</i>

272
00:13:04.825 --> 00:13:08.287
<i>We had a kid like that at our school</i>
<i>and we called him Double Dare.</i>

273
00:13:08.370 --> 00:13:09.955
<i>[cheers]</i>

274
00:13:10.581 --> 00:13:14.502
<i>Relax, relax, you can laugh</i>
<i>at Double Dare.</i>

275
00:13:14.585 --> 00:13:16.086
<i>He's totally fine now.</i>

276
00:13:16.587 --> 00:13:18.214
<i>Yeah, he's totally normal.</i>

277
00:13:18.297 --> 00:13:20.508
<i>It turns out, back in the day,</i>

278
00:13:20.591 --> 00:13:22.718
<i>they were just giving him the wrong pills.</i>

279
00:13:22.802 --> 00:13:24.887
<i>-[woman in the audience] Oh my God!</i>
<i>-Yeah,</i>

280
00:13:24.970 --> 00:13:27.848
<i>so through the miracle of modern medicine,</i>

281
00:13:27.932 --> 00:13:30.309
<i>they made him detarded.</i>

282
00:13:30.392 --> 00:13:31.602
<i>[laughter]</i>

283
00:13:31.685 --> 00:13:32.937
<i>Thank you so much.</i>

284
00:13:33.020 --> 00:13:34.688
<i>God, that was such a good joke.</i>

285
00:13:35.189 --> 00:13:38.067
<i>[audience applauding, cheering]</i>

286
00:13:38.150 --> 00:13:38.984
<i>Okay.</i>

287
00:13:39.610 --> 00:13:41.195
<i>That's my favorite joke.</i>

288
00:13:41.278 --> 00:13:44.490
<i>[applause continues]</i>

289
00:13:44.573 --> 00:13:46.534
<i>I know you'll say that shit on Monday.</i>

290
00:13:46.617 --> 00:13:49.119
<i>You're gonna be like,</i>
<i>"That Cindy, she's detarded."</i>

291
00:13:49.203 --> 00:13:51.205
<i>[audience laughing]</i>

292
00:13:53.123 --> 00:13:53.958
<i>Now,</i>

293
00:13:54.834 --> 00:13:57.086
<i>I like my kids to watch </i>Sesame Street

294
00:13:57.169 --> 00:13:58.879
<i>'cause that's what I grew up on.</i>

295
00:13:58.963 --> 00:14:00.673
<i>Right? </i>Sesame Street.<i> Yeah.</i>

296
00:14:00.756 --> 00:14:03.843
<i>Yeah. But um, have you seen</i>
Sesame Street<i> lately?</i>

297
00:14:05.553 --> 00:14:07.805
<i>Ugh! The neighborhood's gone to shit.</i>

298
00:14:07.888 --> 00:14:10.558
<i>[audience laughing]</i>

299
00:14:10.641 --> 00:14:12.852
<i>You guys are gonna die. You're gonna die.</i>

300
00:14:12.935 --> 00:14:14.103
<i>So, first of all,</i>

301
00:14:15.604 --> 00:14:17.606
<i>Cookie Monster, Cookie Monster,</i>

302
00:14:17.690 --> 00:14:21.360
<i>gluttonous piece of shit that taught you</i>
<i>not to overdo it with the sweets,</i>

303
00:14:22.403 --> 00:14:25.781
<i>now eats fruit and vegetables.</i>

304
00:14:25.865 --> 00:14:27.032
<i>[screams]</i>

305
00:14:27.116 --> 00:14:28.951
<i>[audience] Boo!</i>

306
00:14:29.034 --> 00:14:31.453
<i>I know, what's next?</i>

307
00:14:31.954 --> 00:14:35.583
<i>What's next, Big Bird's gone free range?</i>
<i>Fuck that!</i>

308
00:14:35.666 --> 00:14:37.001
<i>[laughter]</i>

309
00:14:37.084 --> 00:14:38.168
<i>No!</i>

310
00:14:39.003 --> 00:14:41.505
<i>No, Oscar the Grouch, Oscar the Grouch,</i>

311
00:14:41.589 --> 00:14:45.843
<i>the first hoarder you ever knew,</i>
<i>lived in his own filth in a trash can,</i>

312
00:14:46.343 --> 00:14:49.638
<i>now lives in a recycling bin.</i>

313
00:14:49.722 --> 00:14:51.932
<i>-[laughter]</i>
<i>-[man in the audience] Boo!</i>

314
00:14:52.016 --> 00:14:55.769
<i>Oh my God, you know he's gonna be</i>
<i>one of these assholes who wears patchouli.</i>

315
00:14:55.853 --> 00:14:57.313
<i>[audience laughing]</i>

316
00:14:57.396 --> 00:14:59.023
<i>You know those people? And--</i>

317
00:14:59.106 --> 00:15:03.027
<i>They don't buy regular deodorant,</i>
<i>instead they buy Tom's.</i>

318
00:15:03.110 --> 00:15:04.695
<i>[audience laughing]</i>

319
00:15:04.778 --> 00:15:06.822
<i>Oh! Then they have to tell you about it.</i>

320
00:15:06.906 --> 00:15:10.117
<i>[mocking] "Oh, well, you know, Christina,</i>
<i>the regular deodorant."</i>

321
00:15:10.618 --> 00:15:13.329
<i>"Regular, regular deodorant--"</i>

322
00:15:13.412 --> 00:15:18.876
<i>[laughter]</i>

323
00:15:18.959 --> 00:15:22.463
<i>"The regular deodorant has</i>
<i>aluminum in it…"</i>

324
00:15:22.546 --> 00:15:24.381
<i>[laughter]</i>

325
00:15:24.465 --> 00:15:29.553
<i>"…and the aluminum gives you Alzheimer's."</i>

326
00:15:30.054 --> 00:15:33.265
<i>Like, yeah,</i>
<i>we all wish you had Alzheimer's</i>

327
00:15:33.766 --> 00:15:36.852
<i>because you smell</i>
<i>like Dog the Bounty Hunter's cunt…</i>

328
00:15:36.936 --> 00:15:37.770
<i>[laughter]</i>

329
00:15:37.853 --> 00:15:40.189
<i>…with your fake-ass deodorant.</i>

330
00:15:40.272 --> 00:15:43.734
<i>[cheers]</i>

331
00:15:46.320 --> 00:15:48.280
<i>Okay, Bert and Ernie,</i>

332
00:15:48.781 --> 00:15:50.658
<i>still not gay…</i>

333
00:15:50.741 --> 00:15:52.493
<i>[laughter]</i>

334
00:15:52.576 --> 00:15:55.579
<i>…but they are polyamorous.</i>

335
00:15:56.622 --> 00:15:59.625
<i>It's my favorite. I love polyamory.</i>

336
00:16:00.125 --> 00:16:01.585
<i>I… I live for that shit.</i>

337
00:16:02.211 --> 00:16:03.712
<i>I love when somebody is like,</i>

338
00:16:04.213 --> 00:16:06.465
<i>"I'm polyamorous."</i>

339
00:16:07.549 --> 00:16:11.512
<i>[tuts] Like, "Bitch, back in the '90s,</i>
<i>you was just a ho." You know what I mean?</i>

340
00:16:11.595 --> 00:16:13.138
<i>[laughter]</i>

341
00:16:13.222 --> 00:16:15.933
<i>Right? You're just horny.</i>
<i>That's not an identity.</i>

342
00:16:20.437 --> 00:16:23.607
<i>Okay, but there's-- Okay,</i>
<i>there's a new character on the street.</i>

343
00:16:23.691 --> 00:16:25.526
<i>[shrieking]</i>

344
00:16:25.609 --> 00:16:29.238
<i>Um, her name is Julia and she's autistic.</i>

345
00:16:29.321 --> 00:16:31.448
<i>[audience] Aw!</i>

346
00:16:31.949 --> 00:16:37.830
<i>[laughter]</i>

347
00:16:38.872 --> 00:16:39.999
<i>Aw!</i>

348
00:16:40.082 --> 00:16:41.417
<i>[laughter]</i>

349
00:16:42.418 --> 00:16:44.670
<i>No, f-- you guys, that is like--</i>

350
00:16:45.587 --> 00:16:47.881
<i>[laughter]</i>

351
00:16:47.965 --> 00:16:50.718
<i>[laughing] I got so fucking excited</i>

352
00:16:51.218 --> 00:16:54.304
<i>that </i>Sesame Street
<i>put out an autistic puppet.</i>

353
00:16:55.347 --> 00:16:57.224
<i>Dude, I was stoked. I got so happy.</i>

354
00:16:57.307 --> 00:17:00.561
<i>It was like when a new</i>
<i>Tourette's documentary comes out…</i>

355
00:17:01.729 --> 00:17:04.356
<i>[laughing] …you're all fucking excited,</i>
<i>and then you--</i>

356
00:17:04.440 --> 00:17:08.360
<i>you watch it, and two minutes in, you go,</i>
<i>"Oh God, these people are suffering."</i>

357
00:17:08.444 --> 00:17:10.529
<i>[laughter]</i>

358
00:17:10.612 --> 00:17:12.698
<i>"I'm a bad person."</i>

359
00:17:15.868 --> 00:17:19.955
<i>[chuckles] So I started watching Julia,</i>
<i>the autistic character, and I…</i>

360
00:17:22.416 --> 00:17:24.710
<i>I really like her. I really like her.</i>

361
00:17:24.793 --> 00:17:29.131
<i>I learned about autism, which was cool,</i>
<i>and what I like best is that,</i>

362
00:17:29.214 --> 00:17:32.259
<i>sometimes she gets upset</i>
<i>and she hits Elmo…</i>

363
00:17:32.342 --> 00:17:35.137
<i>[laughter]</i>

364
00:17:35.220 --> 00:17:37.306
<i>…which is great 'cause fuck Elmo, right?</i>

365
00:17:37.389 --> 00:17:39.600
<i>He's the worst. He's the worst.</i>

366
00:17:39.683 --> 00:17:41.560
<i>He's always laughing at his own shit.</i>

367
00:17:41.643 --> 00:17:42.978
<i>[laughter]</i>

368
00:17:43.062 --> 00:17:45.272
<i>[mocking] "Elmo loves you." [laughing]</i>

369
00:17:45.355 --> 00:17:46.607
<i>[laughter]</i>

370
00:17:46.690 --> 00:17:49.318
<i>"Elmo goes potty." [laughing]</i>

371
00:17:50.861 --> 00:17:53.363
<i>He sounds like a nervous porno actress.</i>

372
00:17:53.447 --> 00:17:55.074
<i>[laughter]</i>

373
00:17:55.157 --> 00:17:59.912
<i>Like you know when the casting director</i>
<i>will shoot the interview before the scene?</i>

374
00:17:59.995 --> 00:18:03.082
<i>Don't act like you don't know</i>
<i>what the fuck I'm talking about.</i>

375
00:18:03.165 --> 00:18:05.292
<i>[man in the audience</i>
<i>laughing hysterically]</i>

376
00:18:06.085 --> 00:18:08.170
<i>Right, the scumbag, and he's always like…</i>

377
00:18:08.253 --> 00:18:09.630
<i>[moans]</i>

378
00:18:09.713 --> 00:18:11.548
<i>[laughter]</i>

379
00:18:11.632 --> 00:18:14.718
<i>[in deep voice] "What are you gonna</i>
<i>do for us today, sweetie?"</i>

380
00:18:17.346 --> 00:18:19.389
<i>[in high voice] Then she'll be like,</i>

381
00:18:19.473 --> 00:18:25.270
<i>"I'm gonna do</i>
<i>my first blow-bang triple anal."</i>

382
00:18:25.354 --> 00:18:27.648
<i>[laughing hysterically]</i>

383
00:18:30.025 --> 00:18:35.114
<i>[laughing turns into crying]</i>

384
00:18:39.827 --> 00:18:41.912
<i>"Sounds hot." [moans]</i>

385
00:18:43.497 --> 00:18:44.915
<i>Oh my God.</i>

386
00:18:45.415 --> 00:18:47.876
<i>And like, here's the deal, man.</i>
<i>Here's the deal.</i>

387
00:18:48.752 --> 00:18:49.586
<i>Oh God.</i>

388
00:18:49.670 --> 00:18:50.546
<i>[inhaling deeply]</i>

389
00:18:51.797 --> 00:18:54.466
<i>Here's the deal, is that I, um, I used to,</i>

390
00:18:55.759 --> 00:18:58.220
<i>I used to be able to laugh</i>
<i>at that girl, you know,</i>

391
00:18:58.303 --> 00:19:01.265
<i>and now I'm a fucking middle-aged mom</i>

392
00:19:01.348 --> 00:19:04.518
<i>and I have all these feelings</i>
<i>like empathy and stuff…</i>

393
00:19:05.018 --> 00:19:06.979
<i>[laughter]</i>

394
00:19:07.062 --> 00:19:09.606
<i>…because you start to realize, like,</i>

395
00:19:09.690 --> 00:19:12.109
<i>how life is just a lot of luck</i>

396
00:19:12.192 --> 00:19:13.861
<i>and then a series of choices,</i>

397
00:19:13.944 --> 00:19:16.905
<i>and like, I could have been that girl.</i>

398
00:19:17.781 --> 00:19:20.325
<i>I should have been that porno girl.</i>

399
00:19:20.409 --> 00:19:22.661
<i>[laughter]</i>

400
00:19:22.744 --> 00:19:24.288
<i>You know, with my childhood,</i>

401
00:19:24.371 --> 00:19:27.541
<i>I should've been that girl,</i>
<i>and really, in the scheme of things,</i>

402
00:19:27.624 --> 00:19:31.170
<i>stand-up comedy, not that bright</i>
<i>of a choice of life, right?</i>

403
00:19:31.253 --> 00:19:34.923
<i>Like, it goes, fucking, porno actress,</i>
<i>stand-up comedian. Not smart. But…</i>

404
00:19:37.926 --> 00:19:40.470
<i>So I became a mom and uh…</i>

405
00:19:42.306 --> 00:19:44.183
<i>How do I put this? I… I just want to,</i>

406
00:19:44.266 --> 00:19:46.518
<i>I want to do better</i>
<i>than what was given to me.</i>

407
00:19:46.602 --> 00:19:49.563
<i>You know what I mean?</i>
<i>I don't blame my parents for anything.</i>

408
00:19:49.646 --> 00:19:50.939
<i>Do I? Yeah, I do.</i>

409
00:19:51.023 --> 00:19:52.941
<i>-But the thing is--</i>
<i>-[laughter]</i>

410
00:19:53.025 --> 00:19:56.028
<i>Well, you know, I just…</i>
<i>I just want to be a better parent</i>

411
00:19:56.111 --> 00:19:58.864
<i>than what I had and, um-- Yeah.</i>

412
00:19:58.947 --> 00:20:00.574
<i>Oh, thanks. One person.</i>

413
00:20:00.657 --> 00:20:01.742
<i>[applause]</i>

414
00:20:01.825 --> 00:20:03.744
<i>Okay, okay, you're on board, yeah.</i>

415
00:20:04.828 --> 00:20:06.205
<i>Um…</i>

416
00:20:06.288 --> 00:20:08.415
<i>Or as my therapist calls it…</i>

417
00:20:08.498 --> 00:20:11.501
<i>[mocking] …"I am breaking</i>
<i>the cycle of--" [chuckles]</i>

418
00:20:13.170 --> 00:20:16.298
<i>"I'm breaking the cycle</i>
<i>of generational trauma."</i>

419
00:20:17.674 --> 00:20:22.137
<i>I am breaking the cycle</i>
<i>of generational trauma,</i>

420
00:20:22.638 --> 00:20:24.181
<i>and it's a lot of work, okay?</i>

421
00:20:24.264 --> 00:20:28.352
<i>So here's what I've done so far.</i>
<i>It's like a decade in therapy,</i>

422
00:20:28.435 --> 00:20:29.728
<i>and then every day,</i>

423
00:20:29.811 --> 00:20:32.564
<i>I wake up, I practice my gratitude,</i>

424
00:20:32.648 --> 00:20:34.399
<i>and then I drink my coffee.</i>

425
00:20:34.483 --> 00:20:35.692
<i>I take a shit.</i>

426
00:20:35.776 --> 00:20:37.444
<i>[laughter]</i>

427
00:20:37.527 --> 00:20:38.820
<i>I exercise,</i>

428
00:20:38.904 --> 00:20:42.616
<i>uh, because the endorphins from</i>
<i>exercise help fight depression,</i>

429
00:20:42.699 --> 00:20:46.828
<i>and then I adhere to a low-carbohydrate,</i>
<i>high-protein diet.</i>

430
00:20:46.912 --> 00:20:48.622
<i>I meditate twice a day.</i>

431
00:20:48.705 --> 00:20:51.416
<i>I feel all my dumb feelings…</i>

432
00:20:54.711 --> 00:20:57.714
<i>and I am still so fucked up, like I'm--</i>

433
00:20:57.798 --> 00:20:59.466
<i>[laughing hysterically]</i>

434
00:20:59.549 --> 00:21:01.260
<i>I'm so fucking crazy.</i>

435
00:21:01.343 --> 00:21:03.762
<i>[cheers, applause]</i>

436
00:21:03.845 --> 00:21:04.763
<i>Thank you.</i>

437
00:21:06.223 --> 00:21:08.350
<i>-Whoo!</i>
<i>-[cheers continue]</i>

438
00:21:11.478 --> 00:21:13.480
<i>But-- [laughing hysterically]</i>

439
00:21:13.563 --> 00:21:16.566
<i>But I'm trying, and I'm in the game,</i>

440
00:21:16.650 --> 00:21:18.610
<i>and I'm gonna do it, man.</i>

441
00:21:18.694 --> 00:21:21.029
<i>I'm gonna do it. Yeah.</i>

442
00:21:21.113 --> 00:21:23.115
<i>[applause]</i>

443
00:21:24.324 --> 00:21:26.326
<i>Yeah, 'cause my childhood was wacky.</i>

444
00:21:26.410 --> 00:21:29.037
<i>Like, put it this way, like, growing up,</i>

445
00:21:29.955 --> 00:21:33.125
<i>I couldn't understand…</i>
<i>I couldn't understand those people</i>

446
00:21:33.208 --> 00:21:35.377
<i>who lived at home in their twenties.</i>

447
00:21:35.460 --> 00:21:38.171
<i>You know, like, dude,</i>
<i>I wanted out at six, bro.</i>

448
00:21:38.255 --> 00:21:39.923
<i>-I was like--</i>
<i>-[laughter]</i>

449
00:21:40.007 --> 00:21:43.010
<i>"Where's my letter to Hogwarts?</i>
<i>Get me the fuck out of this."</i>

450
00:21:43.093 --> 00:21:43.927
<i>[laughter]</i>

451
00:21:44.011 --> 00:21:45.929
<i>You know, I would have rather lived</i>

452
00:21:46.013 --> 00:21:48.223
<i>with those bitches from </i>The Facts of Life

453
00:21:49.891 --> 00:21:53.061
<i>and get scissored by that lesbo, Jo,</i>
<i>remember Jo?</i>

454
00:21:53.937 --> 00:21:57.316
<i>-You guys know Jo was a lesbo, right?</i>
<i>-[man in the audience] Yeah.</i>

455
00:21:57.399 --> 00:21:59.776
<i>Yeah, 'cause she had a ponytail.</i>

456
00:22:02.529 --> 00:22:04.823
<i>And she was a mechanic.</i>

457
00:22:04.906 --> 00:22:06.491
<i>[laughter]</i>

458
00:22:06.575 --> 00:22:11.830
<i>-A pussy mechanic, am I right? Yeah!</i>
<i>-[cheers]</i>

459
00:22:14.708 --> 00:22:17.085
<i>No, I hated my mom. I hated her so much.</i>

460
00:22:17.169 --> 00:22:20.172
<i>She was… oh, just the worst.</i>

461
00:22:20.255 --> 00:22:23.884
<i>Borderline and schizophrenic,</i>
<i>which wouldn't have been so bad,</i>

462
00:22:23.967 --> 00:22:25.260
<i>but she was mean.</i>

463
00:22:25.344 --> 00:22:29.056
<i>I mean, even bin Laden would be like,</i>
<i>"Oh, this bitch is evil. This--"</i>

464
00:22:29.139 --> 00:22:30.682
<i>[laughter]</i>

465
00:22:30.766 --> 00:22:34.644
<i>I'll give you an example, when I was five,</i>
<i>I was singing in the kitchen,</i>

466
00:22:34.728 --> 00:22:37.189
<i>and she goes, "Oh, Christica,</i>

467
00:22:38.774 --> 00:22:40.275
<i>you should never sing."</i>

468
00:22:40.776 --> 00:22:41.818
<i>[laughter]</i>

469
00:22:41.902 --> 00:22:43.737
<i>I know, and people today are like,</i>

470
00:22:43.820 --> 00:22:48.241
<i>"Christina, is it hard</i>
<i>being a woman in comedy?"</i>

471
00:22:48.867 --> 00:22:51.703
<i>"I'm like, no, dude.</i>
<i>I was raised by Simon Cowell."</i>

472
00:22:51.787 --> 00:22:53.789
<i>[laughter]</i>

473
00:22:56.833 --> 00:22:58.210
<i>"Shit don't phase me, bro."</i>

474
00:23:00.170 --> 00:23:02.798
<i>When I was 12,</i>
<i>when I was 12-years-old,</i>

475
00:23:02.881 --> 00:23:05.842
<i>she stole my identity</i>
<i>and bought fur coats.</i>

476
00:23:07.427 --> 00:23:09.054
<i>Fur coats!</i>

477
00:23:09.137 --> 00:23:10.680
<i>I'm from Los Angeles,</i>

478
00:23:10.764 --> 00:23:14.059
<i>it is 85 degrees Christmas day.</i>

479
00:23:16.103 --> 00:23:18.855
<i>Forget it.</i>
<i>Here's the thing, I've forgiven her,</i>

480
00:23:18.939 --> 00:23:22.192
<i>and lately,</i>
<i>we've been getting along so well.</i>

481
00:23:22.275 --> 00:23:24.694
<i>In 2015, she died.</i>

482
00:23:24.778 --> 00:23:26.363
<i>[laughter]</i>

483
00:23:26.446 --> 00:23:27.531
<i>Thank you.</i>

484
00:23:27.614 --> 00:23:29.699
<i>[applause, cheers]</i>

485
00:23:31.451 --> 00:23:32.285
<i>Yeah.</i>

486
00:23:33.495 --> 00:23:36.206
<i>And now I wear fur coats to get Froyo.</i>

487
00:23:36.289 --> 00:23:37.249
<i>It's a win-win.</i>

488
00:23:37.332 --> 00:23:38.917
<i>[cheers]</i>

489
00:23:39.751 --> 00:23:40.919
<i>God, she was so angry.</i>

490
00:23:41.002 --> 00:23:43.588
<i>Ever know somebody</i>
<i>that could get angry at anything?</i>

491
00:23:43.672 --> 00:23:47.342
<i>Yes, like a retail worker would be like,</i>
<i>"Have a nice day."</i>

492
00:23:47.426 --> 00:23:49.219
<i>"You have a nice fucking day!"</i>

493
00:23:49.302 --> 00:23:50.637
<i>[laughter]</i>

494
00:23:50.720 --> 00:23:52.514
<i>[singing "Entry of the Gladiators"]</i>

495
00:23:56.184 --> 00:23:58.562
<i>'Cause her first language was Hungarian,</i>

496
00:23:58.645 --> 00:24:01.189
<i>she couldn't pronounce</i>
<i>certain words in English,</i>

497
00:24:01.690 --> 00:24:04.776
<i>and um, you ever hate somebody so much,</i>

498
00:24:05.277 --> 00:24:08.071
<i>you don't correct their English</i>
<i>for like 40 years?</i>

499
00:24:09.865 --> 00:24:13.118
<i>Dude, I would let her</i>
<i>say things wrong all the time.</i>

500
00:24:13.618 --> 00:24:16.746
<i>She couldn't say the word "aluminum foil."</i>

501
00:24:17.831 --> 00:24:20.208
<i>She would call it "alufolia."</i>

502
00:24:20.292 --> 00:24:22.294
<i>[laughter]</i>

503
00:24:22.377 --> 00:24:25.422
<i>I'd say, "Yeah, pass me the 'alufolia.'</i>
<i>Wrap that shit."</i>

504
00:24:25.922 --> 00:24:28.675
<i>"Wrap that chicken in 'alufolia,' bitch.</i>
<i>Come on, let's go."</i>

505
00:24:30.844 --> 00:24:35.640
<i>If it was cold outside,</i>
<i>she would say, "It's very crispy outside."</i>

506
00:24:35.724 --> 00:24:37.726
<i>[laughter]</i>

507
00:24:38.477 --> 00:24:42.147
<i>I'd be like, "Yeah, crispy, crunchy,</i>
<i>like a potato chip. You got this."</i>

508
00:24:42.731 --> 00:24:45.358
<i>"Go say that at your job interview.</i>
<i>Go ahead, bitch."</i>

509
00:24:46.943 --> 00:24:49.154
<i>Fucking hated her.</i>
<i>Then every now and then,</i>

510
00:24:49.237 --> 00:24:51.490
<i>she'd get frustrated with me</i>
<i>and kick me out,</i>

511
00:24:51.573 --> 00:24:55.744
<i>and then I'd go live with my dad,</i>
<i>and my dad was a party.</i>

512
00:24:56.286 --> 00:24:59.122
<i>-[woman] Yeah!</i>
<i>-You guys, he is 75-years-old</i>

513
00:24:59.206 --> 00:25:01.416
<i>and still slanging that dick.</i>

514
00:25:01.917 --> 00:25:03.001
<i>[cheers]</i>

515
00:25:03.084 --> 00:25:04.085
<i>Yeah.</i>

516
00:25:05.587 --> 00:25:07.297
<i>Recently, I asked him, I was like,</i>

517
00:25:07.380 --> 00:25:10.175
<i>"Dad, how many women</i>
<i>do you think you've been with?"</i>

518
00:25:10.675 --> 00:25:13.011
<i>He goes, "Not enough."</i>

519
00:25:13.512 --> 00:25:15.388
<i>[cheers, laughter]</i>

520
00:25:16.556 --> 00:25:17.599
<i>[laughing]</i>

521
00:25:17.682 --> 00:25:19.768
<i>Now, there's a cool guy.</i>

522
00:25:19.851 --> 00:25:21.686
<i>[imitating guitar]</i>

523
00:25:21.770 --> 00:25:24.314
<i>The coolest.</i>

524
00:25:24.397 --> 00:25:27.108
<i>[audience applauding]</i>

525
00:25:27.192 --> 00:25:28.109
<i>Yeah, dog.</i>

526
00:25:28.818 --> 00:25:34.032
<i>In 1985, more women saw</i>
<i>my dad's dick than </i>Ghostbusters.

527
00:25:34.115 --> 00:25:36.201
<i>[laughter]</i>

528
00:25:38.161 --> 00:25:42.123
<i>And I loved living with him because</i>
<i>on a school night, I was eight-years-old,</i>

529
00:25:42.207 --> 00:25:45.293
<i>and he would take me out</i>
<i>to bars and nightclubs.</i>

530
00:25:45.794 --> 00:25:46.836
<i>Oh, and I loved it.</i>

531
00:25:46.920 --> 00:25:48.964
<i>I loved dancing. I just loved it.</i>

532
00:25:49.047 --> 00:25:50.715
<i>But I was so young.</i>

533
00:25:50.799 --> 00:25:54.094
<i>I thought the song "White Lines"</i>
<i>was about coloring.</i>

534
00:25:54.177 --> 00:25:56.179
<i>[laughter]</i>

535
00:25:59.808 --> 00:26:01.810
<i>But my favorite song to dance to</i>

536
00:26:01.893 --> 00:26:05.063
<i>in the whole world was</i>
Frankie Goes to Hollywood.

537
00:26:05.146 --> 00:26:09.025
<i>-[audience cheering]</i>
-Relax.<i> Do you guys remember that?</i>

538
00:26:09.109 --> 00:26:11.361
<i>♪ Relax, don't do it ♪</i>

539
00:26:11.444 --> 00:26:12.779
<i>♪ When you want… ♪</i>
Yeah.

540
00:26:12.862 --> 00:26:14.823
<i>Do you know what that song is about?</i>

541
00:26:16.324 --> 00:26:19.411
<i>It's about gay guys doing it…</i>

542
00:26:19.494 --> 00:26:21.371
<i>[laughter]</i>

543
00:26:21.454 --> 00:26:25.542
<i>…and trying not to finish too soon. Now--</i>

544
00:26:26.042 --> 00:26:28.837
<i>Meanwhile, my eight-year-old ass is like,</i>

545
00:26:28.920 --> 00:26:30.547
<i>♪ When you wanna come… ♪</i>

546
00:26:30.630 --> 00:26:33.091
<i>[audience laughing]</i>

547
00:26:33.174 --> 00:26:37.345
<i>[moaning] </i>♪ Come! ♪

548
00:26:37.429 --> 00:26:38.555
<i>♪ Yeah! ♪</i>

549
00:26:38.638 --> 00:26:42.767
<i>♪ Whoa… ♪</i>

550
00:26:43.268 --> 00:26:45.312
<i>[vocalizing]</i>

551
00:26:45.395 --> 00:26:46.646
<i>[laughing hysterically]</i>

552
00:26:48.440 --> 00:26:51.109
<i>[chuckles] Um, so, a while ago,</i>

553
00:26:51.735 --> 00:26:52.819
<i>my husband was like,</i>

554
00:26:52.902 --> 00:26:56.698
<i>"Babe, babe, I think your dad</i>
<i>might be an alcoholic."</i>

555
00:26:56.781 --> 00:26:58.158
<i>[laughter]</i>

556
00:26:58.241 --> 00:27:00.869
<i>I was like, "That makes so much sense."</i>

557
00:27:01.911 --> 00:27:04.456
<i>When you grow up around weird,</i>
<i>you don't know it's weird.</i>

558
00:27:04.539 --> 00:27:09.544
<i>You think that everybody's dad takes them</i>
<i>to bars and nightclubs on a school night</i>

559
00:27:09.628 --> 00:27:13.757
<i>at eight-years-old and lets them dance</i>
<i>to a hardcore gay sex anthems.</i>

560
00:27:13.840 --> 00:27:15.467
<i>[laughter]</i>

561
00:27:18.511 --> 00:27:23.350
<i>Uh, but I'm super stoked you guys</i>
<i>because recently, he got remarried.</i>

562
00:27:23.850 --> 00:27:25.769
<i>-[cheers]</i>
<i>-Yes.</i>

563
00:27:25.852 --> 00:27:28.396
<i>Yes, for the fifth time.</i>

564
00:27:28.480 --> 00:27:31.524
<i>[applause, cheers]</i>

565
00:27:31.608 --> 00:27:35.403
<i>He's 75-years-old</i>
<i>and he married a 34-year-old…</i>

566
00:27:35.487 --> 00:27:39.240
<i>[audience cheering]</i>

567
00:27:39.324 --> 00:27:41.701
<i>…Vietnamese lady…</i>

568
00:27:41.785 --> 00:27:43.119
<i>[cheers]</i>

569
00:27:43.745 --> 00:27:45.246
<i>…he met online.</i>

570
00:27:45.330 --> 00:27:46.790
<i>[chuckling] Yeah.</i>

571
00:27:46.873 --> 00:27:50.001
<i>[audience applauding, cheering]</i>

572
00:27:50.085 --> 00:27:53.630
<i>I don't know… I don't know</i>
<i>if that's a marriage or an adoption…</i>

573
00:27:53.713 --> 00:27:55.256
<i>[laughter]</i>

574
00:27:57.425 --> 00:28:00.762
<i>but that bitch came with a receipt,</i>
<i>you know that.</i>

575
00:28:01.554 --> 00:28:04.224
<i>Could you imagine?</i>
<i>I don't know what's going on.</i>

576
00:28:04.307 --> 00:28:09.771
<i>I mean, maybe she wants the Green Card,</i>
<i>and he wants free mani-pedis.</i>

577
00:28:09.854 --> 00:28:10.730
<i>I don't know.</i>

578
00:28:10.814 --> 00:28:15.610
<i>Oh, shut the fuck up, she's my Viet mom,</i>
<i>I can say what I want. Shut up.</i>

579
00:28:19.447 --> 00:28:21.741
<i>But let me tell you, I'm so--</i>

580
00:28:21.825 --> 00:28:24.327
<i>I'm so grateful</i>
<i>to have this woman in my life</i>

581
00:28:24.411 --> 00:28:26.830
<i>because otherwise,</i>
<i>I would have to listen to him.</i>

582
00:28:28.373 --> 00:28:32.043
<i>Oh God. Is there anything worse</i>
<i>than a phone call from your toxic parent?</i>

583
00:28:32.627 --> 00:28:35.547
<i>Ugh! Ugh! They don't even ask you</i>
<i>anything about you.</i>

584
00:28:35.630 --> 00:28:36.756
<i>No questions, nothing.</i>

585
00:28:36.840 --> 00:28:38.425
<i>All my dad wants to talk about</i>

586
00:28:38.508 --> 00:28:41.386
<i>is the achievements</i>
<i>of the Hungarian people.</i>

587
00:28:41.469 --> 00:28:43.596
<i>[audience laughing]</i>

588
00:28:43.680 --> 00:28:45.098
<i>Oh my God, he's so slick.</i>

589
00:28:45.181 --> 00:28:46.182
<i>"Christica,</i>

590
00:28:47.892 --> 00:28:50.270
<i>you know who invented Rubik's Cube?"</i>

591
00:28:50.353 --> 00:28:52.355
<i>[laughter]</i>

592
00:28:52.856 --> 00:28:54.023
<i>"A Hungarian."</i>

593
00:28:56.276 --> 00:28:58.695
<i>"You know who invented the ballpoint pen?"</i>

594
00:28:59.904 --> 00:29:01.156
<i>"A Hungarian."</i>

595
00:29:01.239 --> 00:29:03.366
<i>I'm like,</i>
<i>"Did a Hungarian invent suicide?"</i>

596
00:29:03.450 --> 00:29:06.953
<i>"I'm gonna blow my brains out.</i>
<i>I can't. I can't."</i>

597
00:29:07.036 --> 00:29:07.912
<i>"I can't."</i>

598
00:29:07.996 --> 00:29:09.330
<i>[audience laughing]</i>

599
00:29:11.624 --> 00:29:14.002
<i>But then he drinks a little on the call,</i>

600
00:29:15.628 --> 00:29:16.838
<i>and then it gets better.</i>

601
00:29:16.921 --> 00:29:18.882
<i>[laughter]</i>

602
00:29:19.382 --> 00:29:20.300
<i>He'll be like,</i>

603
00:29:20.800 --> 00:29:21.926
<i>"Christica,</i>

604
00:29:23.511 --> 00:29:26.973
<i>every time you burp,</i>

605
00:29:28.433 --> 00:29:30.435
<i>you are cheating your asshole."</i>

606
00:29:30.518 --> 00:29:33.271
<i>[laughter]</i>

607
00:29:35.940 --> 00:29:38.860
<i>[audience continues laughing]</i>

608
00:29:38.943 --> 00:29:39.861
<i>What?</i>

609
00:29:41.446 --> 00:29:43.698
<i>[groans] Then I'm back in. I'm back in.</i>

610
00:29:43.782 --> 00:29:45.283
<i>[laughter]</i>

611
00:29:47.368 --> 00:29:49.412
<i>But then he drinks too much on the call.</i>

612
00:29:51.039 --> 00:29:52.415
<i>[mimicking deflation]</i>

613
00:29:52.499 --> 00:29:56.836
<i>Now, I have a theory</i>
<i>that all dads know one historical fact</i>

614
00:29:57.879 --> 00:30:00.340
<i>that they like to repeat over and over.</i>

615
00:30:00.840 --> 00:30:05.261
<i>Now, my father escaped</i>
<i>from Communist Hungary in 1969,</i>

616
00:30:05.345 --> 00:30:07.889
<i>so his fact is a little dark.</i>

617
00:30:09.349 --> 00:30:10.183
<i>Here it goes.</i>

618
00:30:12.435 --> 00:30:13.686
<i>"Christica…</i>

619
00:30:15.730 --> 00:30:16.689
<i>you know,</i>

620
00:30:18.191 --> 00:30:23.404
<i>everybody thinks</i>
<i>Hitler killed the most people."</i>

621
00:30:23.488 --> 00:30:24.531
<i>[scoffs]</i>

622
00:30:24.614 --> 00:30:25.782
<i>"This is not true."</i>

623
00:30:27.075 --> 00:30:29.160
<i>"Stalin killed</i>

624
00:30:29.994 --> 00:30:31.663
<i>the most people,</i>

625
00:30:31.746 --> 00:30:34.290
<i>but everybody gives Hitler all the credit</i>

626
00:30:34.374 --> 00:30:36.543
<i>like he's some kind of special guy."</i>

627
00:30:36.626 --> 00:30:38.628
<i>[laughter]</i>

628
00:30:38.711 --> 00:30:41.005
<i>"He's no fucking special guy."</i>

629
00:30:41.089 --> 00:30:42.841
<i>[laughter]</i>

630
00:30:42.924 --> 00:30:44.467
<i>I'm like, "What?"</i>

631
00:30:46.469 --> 00:30:48.888
<i>"Are you jealous of Hitler? Is this--"</i>

632
00:30:48.972 --> 00:30:50.139
<i>[laughter]</i>

633
00:30:50.223 --> 00:30:53.560
<i>"You saying Hitler's the genocide champ?</i>
<i>Is that what I'm hearing?"</i>

634
00:30:53.643 --> 00:30:54.894
<i>[laughter]</i>

635
00:30:56.271 --> 00:30:57.105
<i>So crazy.</i>

636
00:30:57.188 --> 00:30:59.983
<i>And then meanwhile,</i>
<i>cut to me at a dinner party</i>

637
00:31:00.066 --> 00:31:02.402
<i>and somebody will bring up World War II…</i>

638
00:31:02.485 --> 00:31:04.153
<i>[laughter]</i>

639
00:31:04.237 --> 00:31:06.698
<i>…and I'll be like,</i>
<i>"Actually Stalin killed…</i>

640
00:31:06.781 --> 00:31:08.449
<i>[laughter]</i>

641
00:31:08.533 --> 00:31:09.909
<i>…more people than Hitler."</i>

642
00:31:10.660 --> 00:31:12.912
<i>[applause, cheers]</i>

643
00:31:12.996 --> 00:31:14.247
<i>Yeah.</i>

644
00:31:14.330 --> 00:31:17.792
<i>"Why do you think Hitler's a special guy?</i>
<i>He's not such a special fucking guy."</i>

645
00:31:20.587 --> 00:31:22.797
<i>[inhaling deeply] Ugh!</i>

646
00:31:22.881 --> 00:31:25.216
<i>It's such a drag</i>
<i>'cause I gotta listen to him.</i>

647
00:31:25.300 --> 00:31:27.635
<i>I gotta listen to him</i>
<i>'cause I'm an only child,</i>

648
00:31:27.719 --> 00:31:29.178
<i>and it's times like this</i>

649
00:31:29.262 --> 00:31:33.391
<i>I wish I had</i>
<i>a 400-pound codependent sister.</i>

650
00:31:33.474 --> 00:31:35.143
<i>[laughter]</i>

651
00:31:35.226 --> 00:31:37.270
<i>You know, just 400 pounds,</i>

652
00:31:39.063 --> 00:31:41.274
<i>always watching the ID channel,</i>

653
00:31:41.357 --> 00:31:44.360
<i>convinced she's gonna get</i>
<i>murdered and raped.</i>

654
00:31:46.070 --> 00:31:48.281
<i>I'm like, "Murdered, maybe." [chuckling]</i>

655
00:31:48.364 --> 00:31:51.326
<i>[audience laughing]</i>

656
00:31:59.751 --> 00:32:02.503
<i>Because, New York, I'm a good person.</i>

657
00:32:04.797 --> 00:32:06.007
<i>I'm not a great one.</i>

658
00:32:06.090 --> 00:32:07.884
<i>[cheers]</i>

659
00:32:07.967 --> 00:32:11.387
<i>I might fake pick up</i>
<i>dog shit from time to time.</i>

660
00:32:11.471 --> 00:32:12.931
<i>[laughter]</i>

661
00:32:13.014 --> 00:32:16.976
<i>Every time my dog takes a shit,</i>
<i>that's when the neighbor has to come out,</i>

662
00:32:17.060 --> 00:32:19.562
<i>and I always forget bags,</i>
<i>and I gotta do theater.</i>

663
00:32:19.646 --> 00:32:21.230
<i>[mocking] "Hold on, I got it</i>

664
00:32:22.649 --> 00:32:25.068
<i>somewhere, I don't know."</i>

665
00:32:25.151 --> 00:32:27.153
<i>[laughter]</i>

666
00:32:28.655 --> 00:32:31.658
<i>The minute she walks away,</i>
<i>"Fuck your lawn, bitch."</i>

667
00:32:31.741 --> 00:32:34.118
<i>[audience applauding]</i>

668
00:32:34.786 --> 00:32:37.622
<i>You got a gardener, you got that.</i>

669
00:32:39.540 --> 00:32:41.125
<i>[audience cheering]</i>

670
00:32:41.209 --> 00:32:43.544
<i>Good person, not a great one.</i>

671
00:32:45.713 --> 00:32:49.342
<i>I refuse to give people my age</i>

672
00:32:49.425 --> 00:32:50.885
<i>rides to the airport.</i>

673
00:32:53.012 --> 00:32:56.099
<i>Oh my God.</i>
<i>Listen, if you're in your mid-forties</i>

674
00:32:56.182 --> 00:32:57.850
<i>and you can't get yourself</i>

675
00:32:59.268 --> 00:33:04.399
<i>to the airport, bro,</i>
<i>that means you don't have like $50.</i>

676
00:33:04.482 --> 00:33:06.234
<i>[laughter]</i>

677
00:33:06.317 --> 00:33:08.736
<i>You don't have $50.</i>

678
00:33:09.779 --> 00:33:12.281
<i>You should stay home</i>
<i>and work on that resume, okay?</i>

679
00:33:12.365 --> 00:33:14.325
<i>[laughter]</i>

680
00:33:14.826 --> 00:33:17.370
<i>Good person, not a great one.</i>

681
00:33:17.453 --> 00:33:18.746
<i>[audience applauding]</i>

682
00:33:19.789 --> 00:33:21.124
<i>I never</i>

683
00:33:21.624 --> 00:33:25.169
<i>want to hear</i>
<i>about the triathlon you're preparing for.</i>

684
00:33:25.253 --> 00:33:26.421
<i>[laughter]</i>

685
00:33:27.046 --> 00:33:29.549
<i>Oh my God,</i>
<i>is there anything worse than that?</i>

686
00:33:29.632 --> 00:33:31.843
<i>The person has to tell you,</i>
<i>"No, Christina."</i>

687
00:33:31.926 --> 00:33:34.387
<i>[mocking] "First I swim two kilometers,</i>

688
00:33:34.470 --> 00:33:36.472
<i>and then I bike 90 kilometers,</i>

689
00:33:36.556 --> 00:33:38.891
<i>and then I run 20 kilometers."</i>

690
00:33:38.975 --> 00:33:40.852
<i>And I'm like, "What the fuck?"</i>

691
00:33:40.935 --> 00:33:43.312
<i>[audience applauding, cheering]</i>

692
00:33:43.396 --> 00:33:45.106
<i>"What the fuck?"</i>

693
00:33:49.527 --> 00:33:51.320
<i>"What the fuck</i>

694
00:33:52.280 --> 00:33:53.740
<i>is a kilometer, dude?"</i>

695
00:33:53.823 --> 00:33:56.200
<i>"I don't do math."</i>

696
00:33:58.995 --> 00:34:00.747
<i>Good person, not a great one.</i>

697
00:34:02.415 --> 00:34:03.583
<i>Not a great one.</i>

698
00:34:03.666 --> 00:34:06.169
<i>-[audience applauding, cheering]</i>
<i>-Not perfect.</i>

699
00:34:09.464 --> 00:34:10.715
<i>[sighs]</i>

700
00:34:10.798 --> 00:34:13.926
<i>Just trying to break the cycle</i>
<i>of generational trauma.</i>

701
00:34:14.010 --> 00:34:15.720
<i>[laughter]</i>

702
00:34:15.803 --> 00:34:18.389
<i>So when I became a mother,</i>
<i>I didn't know what to do.</i>

703
00:34:18.473 --> 00:34:20.099
<i>Nobody has a blueprint for that.</i>

704
00:34:20.933 --> 00:34:23.478
<i>Yeah, so I did what everybody should do</i>

705
00:34:23.561 --> 00:34:26.314
<i>and I looked to social media.</i>

706
00:34:26.397 --> 00:34:27.648
<i>[cheers]</i>

707
00:34:27.732 --> 00:34:29.942
<i>Oh my God, everybody lies on social media,</i>

708
00:34:30.026 --> 00:34:32.779
<i>but moms, those bitches lie the most.</i>

709
00:34:34.363 --> 00:34:36.491
<i>Right? What do the moms always say?</i>

710
00:34:36.574 --> 00:34:41.204
<i>"Being a mom,</i>
<i>it's the best job in the world."</i>

711
00:34:42.246 --> 00:34:44.749
<i>And look, I love my children</i>

712
00:34:45.249 --> 00:34:46.501
<i>more than life,</i>

713
00:34:47.001 --> 00:34:50.546
<i>but the </i>job <i>of being a mom,</i>

714
00:34:50.630 --> 00:34:53.049
<i>it is not the best.</i>

715
00:34:53.716 --> 00:34:58.471
<i>In fact, I would argue</i>
<i>having no job is the best job.</i>

716
00:34:58.554 --> 00:35:01.265
<i>[applause, cheers]</i>

717
00:35:03.434 --> 00:35:06.104
<i>Or Instagram model, that's a job.</i>

718
00:35:06.187 --> 00:35:07.396
<i>[audience cheering]</i>

719
00:35:07.480 --> 00:35:09.482
<i>You guys, there is a man on Instagram</i>

720
00:35:09.565 --> 00:35:11.818
<i>who makes millions of dollars</i>

721
00:35:11.901 --> 00:35:15.113
<i>as an adult baby diaper wearer.</i>

722
00:35:16.739 --> 00:35:18.449
<i>Let me rephrase that.</i>

723
00:35:19.867 --> 00:35:22.620
<i>I follow a guy on Instagram.</i>

724
00:35:22.703 --> 00:35:24.664
<i>[laughter]</i>

725
00:35:24.747 --> 00:35:26.290
<i>He's so great.</i>

726
00:35:26.374 --> 00:35:29.252
<i>He's so fat and sweaty,</i>

727
00:35:29.335 --> 00:35:31.629
<i>and his chest looks like a pork chop,</i>

728
00:35:31.712 --> 00:35:35.800
<i>like a raw pork chop, that's been dropped</i>
<i>on a barber shop floor.</i>

729
00:35:37.009 --> 00:35:40.721
<i>-[man in the audience] Oh my God!</i>
<i>-I love it. He does the best poses, dude.</i>

730
00:35:40.805 --> 00:35:43.558
<i>It's always him like against a brick wall.</i>

731
00:35:45.059 --> 00:35:47.520
<i>He does these coquettish little poses.</i>

732
00:35:47.603 --> 00:35:48.437
<i>He'll be like,</i>

733
00:35:48.521 --> 00:35:49.689
<i>"No."</i>

734
00:35:49.772 --> 00:35:51.065
<i>[laughter]</i>

735
00:35:53.526 --> 00:35:55.444
<i>Love it. I love him.</i>

736
00:35:55.945 --> 00:35:57.113
<i>I love him.</i>

737
00:35:57.196 --> 00:35:58.948
<i>Do you think, growing up as a kid,</i>

738
00:35:59.031 --> 00:36:01.617
<i>every time he cried, his dad was like,</i>

739
00:36:01.701 --> 00:36:03.161
<i>"Don't be a baby."</i>

740
00:36:03.244 --> 00:36:06.873
<i>[laughter]</i>

741
00:36:06.956 --> 00:36:09.417
<i>"Look who's crying now, Daddy."</i>

742
00:36:09.500 --> 00:36:10.334
<i>[laughter]</i>

743
00:36:13.838 --> 00:36:16.048
<i>Anyway, I was such an idiot</i>
<i>when I became a mom.</i>

744
00:36:16.132 --> 00:36:19.969
<i>I believed all those sayings</i>
<i>people throw around about children,</i>

745
00:36:20.052 --> 00:36:23.306
<i>you know like,</i>
<i>"Kids say the darndest things."</i>

746
00:36:24.765 --> 00:36:25.600
<i>Not mine.</i>

747
00:36:27.018 --> 00:36:29.353
<i>Mine say the meanest shit all the time.</i>

748
00:36:29.437 --> 00:36:31.314
<i>[audience laughing]</i>

749
00:36:31.397 --> 00:36:34.025
<i>Last week Ellis called me a "dishbag."</i>

750
00:36:34.108 --> 00:36:37.612
<i>[laughter]</i>

751
00:36:39.280 --> 00:36:42.033
<i>I was like, "Uh, no, it's douchebag."</i>

752
00:36:42.116 --> 00:36:44.619
<i>"Open your mouth when you speak, son."</i>

753
00:36:44.702 --> 00:36:45.745
<i>[laughter]</i>

754
00:36:45.828 --> 00:36:47.205
<i>"Show some respect."</i>

755
00:36:47.288 --> 00:36:48.915
<i>[applause]</i>

756
00:36:49.999 --> 00:36:51.792
<i>Yeah. Yeah.</i>

757
00:36:52.293 --> 00:36:53.127
<i>Douche.</i>

758
00:36:53.211 --> 00:36:56.464
<i>[audience applauding]</i>

759
00:36:56.547 --> 00:36:59.634
<i>Then my little one,</i>
<i>I was changing the three-year-old's diaper</i>

760
00:36:59.717 --> 00:37:01.552
<i>and he had a big old doody in there,</i>

761
00:37:02.595 --> 00:37:03.512
<i>and he goes,</i>

762
00:37:03.596 --> 00:37:05.806
<i>"Do you see your family in there?"</i>

763
00:37:05.890 --> 00:37:09.227
<i>[laughter]</i>

764
00:37:11.229 --> 00:37:14.148
<i>[audience continues laughing]</i>

765
00:37:14.232 --> 00:37:15.733
<i>I go, "Yeah, my mom."</i>

766
00:37:15.816 --> 00:37:17.151
<i>[laughter]</i>

767
00:37:19.987 --> 00:37:22.031
<i>Uh! They're so abusive.</i>

768
00:37:22.114 --> 00:37:25.952
<i>They're like abusive husbands</i>
<i>with the questions all the time.</i>

769
00:37:26.035 --> 00:37:29.288
<i>"Where are you going?</i>
<i>What are you doing? What's Lexapro?"</i>

770
00:37:29.372 --> 00:37:30.873
<i>[laughter]</i>

771
00:37:34.293 --> 00:37:35.878
<i>Oh my God.</i>

772
00:37:35.962 --> 00:37:37.797
<i>They walked in on me naked,</i>

773
00:37:37.880 --> 00:37:39.799
<i>just started laughing.</i>

774
00:37:39.882 --> 00:37:42.218
<i>[laughter]</i>

775
00:37:43.386 --> 00:37:45.471
<i>The little one pointed. That's fucked up.</i>

776
00:37:45.554 --> 00:37:47.056
<i>[laughter]</i>

777
00:37:47.139 --> 00:37:49.475
<i>I taught him that one.</i>
<i>I taught him that one.</i>

778
00:37:49.976 --> 00:37:51.269
<i>Oh my God.</i>

779
00:37:51.352 --> 00:37:54.063
<i>They've destroyed my house, okay?</i>

780
00:37:54.146 --> 00:37:56.190
<i>So far, I've replaced two toilets</i>

781
00:37:56.274 --> 00:37:58.192
<i>'cause they flush cars down those.</i>

782
00:37:59.318 --> 00:38:05.574
<i>I walked in on the six-year-old</i>
<i>coloring in the grouting in between tiles</i>

783
00:38:06.534 --> 00:38:08.828
<i>in permanent marker.</i>

784
00:38:09.954 --> 00:38:13.040
<i>And there's piss everywhere.</i>

785
00:38:14.083 --> 00:38:17.712
<i>Everywhere. I walk in on them peeing</i>
<i>like they're being arrested, just--</i>

786
00:38:17.795 --> 00:38:21.716
<i>[laughter]</i>

787
00:38:26.387 --> 00:38:29.265
<i>Oh! I'm like a piss sommelier</i>
<i>now, you know?</i>

788
00:38:29.765 --> 00:38:31.517
<i>I walk through the house, I'm like,</i>

789
00:38:31.600 --> 00:38:35.021
<i>Oh, yeah. [sniffs]</i>
<i>"That's three-year-old boy, very good."</i>

790
00:38:35.104 --> 00:38:36.856
<i>[sniffs] "That's six-year-old."</i>

791
00:38:36.939 --> 00:38:40.609
<i>[sniffs] "Oh, forty-two-year-old</i>
<i>male comic, that's an interesting one."</i>

792
00:38:40.693 --> 00:38:41.777
<i>[laughter]</i>

793
00:38:41.861 --> 00:38:44.363
<i>-[applause]</i>
<i>-Oh!</i>

794
00:38:47.158 --> 00:38:47.992
<i>Ah.</i>

795
00:38:48.492 --> 00:38:52.204
<i>And let me tell you something</i>
<i>if you don't have kids yet, okay?</i>

796
00:38:52.288 --> 00:38:53.372
<i>Marriage,</i>

797
00:38:53.873 --> 00:38:56.667
<i>I used to believe that marriage was 50/50.</i>

798
00:38:58.627 --> 00:39:00.338
<i>And then you have kids.</i>

799
00:39:00.421 --> 00:39:03.466
<i>That shit ain't 50/50, okay?</i>
<i>Fuck what you heard.</i>

800
00:39:03.549 --> 00:39:05.843
<i>It is the Mom Show, all day, every day.</i>

801
00:39:05.926 --> 00:39:06.761
<i>Fucking, Mommy.</i>

802
00:39:06.844 --> 00:39:09.930
<i>Mommy. Mommy. Mommy. Mommy. Mommy.</i>

803
00:39:10.014 --> 00:39:12.725
<i>Mom. Mom. Mom. Mom.</i>

804
00:39:13.225 --> 00:39:14.477
<i>I know.</i>

805
00:39:14.560 --> 00:39:17.104
<i>I'm like,</i>
<i>"I'm gonna change my name to Daddy."</i>

806
00:39:18.105 --> 00:39:20.816
<i>'Cause nobody expects shit from that guy.</i>

807
00:39:20.900 --> 00:39:22.318
<i>[cheers]</i>

808
00:39:22.401 --> 00:39:25.446
<i>Daddy gets to take a dump by himself.</i>

809
00:39:25.946 --> 00:39:27.615
<i>Me, when I go to the bathroom,</i>

810
00:39:27.698 --> 00:39:30.910
<i>I got a six-year-old playing</i>
<i>Legos on the ground,</i>

811
00:39:31.410 --> 00:39:34.288
<i>a dog making intense eye contact.</i>

812
00:39:34.372 --> 00:39:36.374
<i>[laughter]</i>

813
00:39:44.340 --> 00:39:46.175
<i>Why do they wink at you, like--</i>

814
00:39:46.258 --> 00:39:49.136
<i>[laughter]</i>

815
00:39:49.220 --> 00:39:50.638
<i>"What's the secret, girl?"</i>

816
00:39:51.722 --> 00:39:53.599
<i>♪ I watch you poop</i>
<i>You watch me poop ♪</i>

817
00:39:53.682 --> 00:39:55.684
<i>-♪ I watch you poop ♪</i>
-[laughter]

818
00:39:57.812 --> 00:40:01.774
<i>Ugh. Every time I go to the bathroom,</i>
<i>I got the six-year-old playing Legos,</i>

819
00:40:01.857 --> 00:40:06.237
<i>the dog making eye contact,</i>
<i>and a baby sitting on my lap.</i>

820
00:40:07.530 --> 00:40:10.491
<i>Bonus points</i>
<i>if you breastfeed at the same time.</i>

821
00:40:10.574 --> 00:40:12.243
<i>[cheers]</i>

822
00:40:12.326 --> 00:40:15.204
<i>That's called "The Milwaukee Milkshake."</i>
<i>You're welcome.</i>

823
00:40:16.122 --> 00:40:20.793
<i>[audience laughing, applauding]</i>

824
00:40:20.876 --> 00:40:26.215
<i>Oh, gosh, so, okay,</i>
<i>so I broke my ankle in June…</i>

825
00:40:28.217 --> 00:40:30.719
<i>and some people think</i>
<i>it was my husband's fault.</i>

826
00:40:30.803 --> 00:40:32.888
<i>[laughter]</i>

827
00:40:32.972 --> 00:40:35.474
<i>And in some ways, it was.</i>

828
00:40:35.558 --> 00:40:36.517
<i>[laughter]</i>

829
00:40:36.600 --> 00:40:39.228
<i>Alright, I'll tell you the story.</i>
<i>Here's what happened.</i>

830
00:40:39.311 --> 00:40:43.232
<i>So, it's in the middle of the night.</i>
<i>I'd just come home off the road.</i>

831
00:40:43.315 --> 00:40:46.193
<i>I was exhausted.</i>
<i>I had the baby monitor next to me.</i>

832
00:40:46.277 --> 00:40:48.446
<i>The babies used to sleep</i>
<i>on the first floor,</i>

833
00:40:48.529 --> 00:40:50.698
<i>we used to sleep on the second.</i>
<i>Not anymore.</i>

834
00:40:50.781 --> 00:40:53.993
<i>But anyway,</i>
<i>so the baby screams in the monitor,</i>

835
00:40:54.493 --> 00:40:55.911
<i>and if you're a mother,</i>

836
00:40:55.995 --> 00:40:59.331
<i>you know that when your baby cries,</i>
<i>you could be in a dead sleep</i>

837
00:41:00.458 --> 00:41:01.834
<i>and you will feel that,</i>

838
00:41:02.334 --> 00:41:06.714
<i>you'll feel the baby cry</i>
<i>in every cell of your being, right?</i>

839
00:41:06.797 --> 00:41:08.048
<i>It's like Uma Thurman</i>

840
00:41:09.675 --> 00:41:11.010
<i>in </i>Pulp Fiction.

841
00:41:11.552 --> 00:41:14.555
<i>[wailing] The baby! The baby!</i>

842
00:41:14.638 --> 00:41:15.473
<i>Okay.</i>

843
00:41:15.556 --> 00:41:17.308
<i>[laughter]</i>

844
00:41:18.058 --> 00:41:19.393
<i>That's my reaction.</i>

845
00:41:20.436 --> 00:41:21.812
<i>My husband…</i>

846
00:41:21.896 --> 00:41:25.691
<i>[snoring]</i>

847
00:41:28.486 --> 00:41:31.113
<i>Now, my husband claims</i>

848
00:41:31.614 --> 00:41:33.115
<i>he can't hear…</i>

849
00:41:35.910 --> 00:41:37.953
<i>babies crying in the night.</i>

850
00:41:38.454 --> 00:41:41.832
<i>Can't seem to hear</i>
<i>babies crying in the night.</i>

851
00:41:41.916 --> 00:41:44.752
<i>Meanwhile, 20 houses down,</i>

852
00:41:44.835 --> 00:41:47.630
<i>the Monday Night Football theme</i>
<i>can be playing…</i>

853
00:41:48.714 --> 00:41:50.174
<i>[vocalizing]</i>

854
00:41:50.257 --> 00:41:53.219
<i>…and his dad boner can't get harder…</i>

855
00:41:53.302 --> 00:41:54.553
<i>[audience laughing]</i>

856
00:41:54.637 --> 00:41:55.554
<i>…or higher.</i>

857
00:41:55.638 --> 00:41:57.181
<i>[applause]</i>

858
00:41:57.932 --> 00:41:58.974
<i>[cheers]</i>

859
00:41:59.475 --> 00:42:02.061
<i>So anyway, I fell down the stairs</i>

860
00:42:02.937 --> 00:42:04.647
<i>getting to my baby in a hurry,</i>

861
00:42:04.730 --> 00:42:08.317
<i>and that's how I broke my ankle,</i>
<i>and see, that's a mother's love.</i>

862
00:42:08.400 --> 00:42:10.444
<i>That's a fucking mother's love.</i>

863
00:42:12.154 --> 00:42:15.616
<i>Nobody tells you this, but being a mom</i>
<i>is an emotional roller coaster.</i>

864
00:42:15.699 --> 00:42:18.536
<i>Like, I go from joy, to rage,</i>

865
00:42:18.619 --> 00:42:21.080
<i>to exhaustion, to exhilaration,</i>

866
00:42:21.163 --> 00:42:23.499
<i>every six seconds, every day.</i>

867
00:42:23.582 --> 00:42:24.542
<i>[laughter]</i>

868
00:42:24.625 --> 00:42:27.878
<i>And just when I'm ready</i>
<i>to throw that baby in the river…</i>

869
00:42:27.962 --> 00:42:29.672
<i>[laughter]</i>

870
00:42:33.008 --> 00:42:34.301
<i>…he smiles at me.</i>

871
00:42:34.802 --> 00:42:39.598
<i>[sighs] Yeah, yeah, they smile at you</i>
<i>with those little jack-o'-lantern teeth…</i>

872
00:42:39.682 --> 00:42:41.809
<i>[high-pitched dinging]</i>

873
00:42:42.309 --> 00:42:45.604
<i>…and you're filled with so much joy,</i>
<i>you have crazy thoughts.</i>

874
00:42:45.688 --> 00:42:46.897
<i>You're like-- [groaning]</i>

875
00:42:47.690 --> 00:42:49.233
<i>"I want ten more!"</i>

876
00:42:49.316 --> 00:42:50.943
<i>[laughter]</i>

877
00:42:51.026 --> 00:42:53.445
<i>"Come on, Tommy. We're fucking tonight!"</i>

878
00:42:53.529 --> 00:42:56.907
<i>[laughter]</i>

879
00:42:56.991 --> 00:42:59.660
<i>-Yes.</i>
<i>-[audience cheering]</i>

880
00:42:59.743 --> 00:43:00.786
<i>Yes.</i>

881
00:43:00.869 --> 00:43:03.455
<i>Until you watch TLC, The Learning Channel,</i>

882
00:43:04.748 --> 00:43:07.126
<i>and you see</i>
<i>those Duggar assholes with their…</i>

883
00:43:07.209 --> 00:43:08.419
<i>[laughter]</i>

884
00:43:08.502 --> 00:43:11.046
<i>…twenty kids, you're like,</i>
<i>"How are you having 20?"</i>

885
00:43:11.130 --> 00:43:12.548
<i>"How is this legal?"</i>

886
00:43:13.424 --> 00:43:16.510
<i>Animal Services</i>
<i>won't let you have but six cats.</i>

887
00:43:16.594 --> 00:43:18.012
<i>[laughter]</i>

888
00:43:20.806 --> 00:43:21.932
<i>I love TLC.</i>

889
00:43:22.016 --> 00:43:25.269
<i>My favorite show</i>
<i>is </i>Little People, Big World.

890
00:43:25.352 --> 00:43:26.937
<i>[cheers]</i>

891
00:43:27.563 --> 00:43:31.150
<i>Wouldn't it be great if they could</i>
<i>merge </i>Little People, Big World

892
00:43:31.650 --> 00:43:33.152
<i>with tiny houses?</i>

893
00:43:33.235 --> 00:43:37.740
<i>[laughter]</i>

894
00:43:38.324 --> 00:43:40.951
<i>Little People, Appropriately Sized Houses.</i>

895
00:43:41.035 --> 00:43:42.953
<i>Come on, TLC, do better!</i>

896
00:43:43.037 --> 00:43:44.038
<i>[laughter]</i>

897
00:43:50.002 --> 00:43:51.920
<i>Everybody talks about a mother's love,</i>

898
00:43:52.004 --> 00:43:54.340
<i>but nobody talks about a mother's rage,</i>

899
00:43:55.299 --> 00:43:57.718
<i>and for me, that's bedtime. Oh!</i>

900
00:43:57.801 --> 00:44:00.054
<i>Yeah, bedtime. Oh my God.</i>

901
00:44:00.137 --> 00:44:03.474
<i>And the experts tell you</i>
<i>to have a routine, right?</i>

902
00:44:03.557 --> 00:44:06.644
<i>Okay. Good. Boom.</i>
<i>Noon, we're in pajamas. Let's go.</i>

903
00:44:06.727 --> 00:44:08.896
<i>[laughter]</i>

904
00:44:08.979 --> 00:44:11.649
<i>I do it all, right?</i>
<i>I got blackout curtains,</i>

905
00:44:11.732 --> 00:44:13.776
<i>I got the sound machine, I got stories,</i>

906
00:44:13.859 --> 00:44:15.027
<i>and then what happens?</i>

907
00:44:15.819 --> 00:44:16.987
<i>[footsteps approaching]</i>

908
00:44:18.197 --> 00:44:19.657
<i>[in low voice] "I'm thirsty."</i>

909
00:44:19.740 --> 00:44:20.783
<i>[laughter]</i>

910
00:44:21.617 --> 00:44:25.329
<i>Dude, I don't know what it is</i>
<i>about this generation's hydration needs.</i>

911
00:44:25.829 --> 00:44:29.750
<i>I swear my parents</i>
<i>gave me water once a week, tops.</i>

912
00:44:30.250 --> 00:44:33.045
<i>We drank Fresca, I think.</i>
<i>I dunno. I was dehydrated.</i>

913
00:44:34.254 --> 00:44:37.591
<i>-So that's pop up number one. Number two--</i>
<i>-[footsteps approaching]</i>

914
00:44:37.675 --> 00:44:41.136
<i>-[in low voice] "I gotta go poop."</i>
<i>-[laughter]</i>

915
00:44:41.220 --> 00:44:42.638
<i>-[sighs]</i>
<i>-And the third one…</i>

916
00:44:42.721 --> 00:44:45.349
<i>-[footsteps approaching]</i>
<i>-"There's a monster under my bed."</i>

917
00:44:45.432 --> 00:44:48.060
<i>"Good, tell him I said hi.</i>
<i>I dunno what to tell you."</i>

918
00:44:48.143 --> 00:44:49.436
<i>[laughter]</i>

919
00:44:50.312 --> 00:44:51.271
<i>One night,</i>

920
00:44:51.772 --> 00:44:54.608
<i>my older boy popped up eight times.</i>

921
00:44:55.401 --> 00:44:57.152
<i>Eight times.</i>

922
00:44:57.236 --> 00:45:00.531
<i>And the rage that welled up inside of me--</i>

923
00:45:01.031 --> 00:45:03.617
<i>And you can't tell a six-year-old boy--</i>

924
00:45:03.701 --> 00:45:04.785
<i>I can't be like,</i>

925
00:45:06.036 --> 00:45:09.206
<i>"Dude, bro, homie,</i>

926
00:45:09.998 --> 00:45:12.126
<i>fuck outta here, man, what are you doing?"</i>

927
00:45:12.209 --> 00:45:13.460
<i>[audience laughing]</i>

928
00:45:13.544 --> 00:45:16.088
<i>"Scram. Kick rocks. Listen, son,</i>

929
00:45:17.423 --> 00:45:20.968
<i>your dad and I have just</i>
<i>an hour and a half free time every night,</i>

930
00:45:21.051 --> 00:45:23.971
<i>just an hour and a half to get high…"</i>

931
00:45:24.471 --> 00:45:27.474
<i>[cheers]</i>

932
00:45:27.558 --> 00:45:29.476
<i>…watch </i>90 Day Fiancé…

933
00:45:29.560 --> 00:45:31.854
<i>[audience cheering]</i>

934
00:45:32.479 --> 00:45:36.316
<i>…hurry fuck, and fall asleep before</i>
<i>we have to do this shit all over again."</i>

935
00:45:36.859 --> 00:45:37.860
<i>[laughter]</i>

936
00:45:37.943 --> 00:45:42.698
<i>"And, son, it is not good sex,</i>
<i>it is sad married sex."</i>

937
00:45:42.781 --> 00:45:43.866
<i>[laughter]</i>

938
00:45:43.949 --> 00:45:46.910
<i>"We don't even face each other anymore."</i>

939
00:45:48.287 --> 00:45:50.247
<i>"I just kind of lay on my side,</i>

940
00:45:51.623 --> 00:45:54.001
<i>and then your dad walruses up behind me."</i>

941
00:45:54.084 --> 00:45:56.295
<i>-[audience laughing]</i>
<i>-[grunting]</i>

942
00:45:56.378 --> 00:46:02.968
<i>[continues grunting]</i>

943
00:46:03.051 --> 00:46:06.013
<i>[audience laughing]</i>

944
00:46:06.930 --> 00:46:10.184
<i>-"I don't even get naked anymore, I just…</i>
<i>-[laughter]</i>

945
00:46:10.267 --> 00:46:12.269
<i>…I pull my sweatpants down."</i>

946
00:46:12.352 --> 00:46:14.855
<i>[laughter]</i>

947
00:46:14.938 --> 00:46:20.319
<i>[cheers, applause]</i>

948
00:46:24.448 --> 00:46:27.326
<i>Just let it happen. Just let it happen.</i>

949
00:46:29.536 --> 00:46:30.496
<i>Goddamnit.</i>

950
00:46:30.996 --> 00:46:33.499
<i>[laughter]</i>

951
00:46:33.999 --> 00:46:35.959
<i>"I know there is no such thing</i>

952
00:46:36.043 --> 00:46:39.004
<i>-as nut-free granola bars. I know it."</i>
<i>-[laughter]</i>

953
00:46:39.087 --> 00:46:40.881
<i>"That is bullshit."</i>

954
00:46:46.220 --> 00:46:49.598
<i>"When is the next season</i>
<i>of </i>Bridgerton <i>coming out?"</i>

955
00:46:49.681 --> 00:46:50.849
<i>[laughter, cheers]</i>

956
00:46:50.933 --> 00:46:52.976
<i>"I mean, how long does this shit take?"</i>

957
00:46:54.353 --> 00:46:55.896
<i>[laughter]</i>

958
00:46:55.979 --> 00:46:58.982
<i>"Did I buy the organic turkey slices?"</i>
<i>I really…</i>

959
00:46:59.066 --> 00:47:00.275
<i>[audience laughing]</i>

960
00:47:01.944 --> 00:47:02.945
<i>That's my life.</i>

961
00:47:03.028 --> 00:47:04.822
<i>[inhaling deeply]</i>

962
00:47:05.447 --> 00:47:09.993
<i>That's me,</i>
<i>breaking the cycle of generational trauma.</i>

963
00:47:11.245 --> 00:47:12.621
<i>[applause, cheers]</i>

964
00:47:12.704 --> 00:47:14.289
<i>That's what it is.</i>

965
00:47:14.373 --> 00:47:18.836
<i>[audience applauding]</i>

966
00:47:19.920 --> 00:47:23.924
<i>That's what it is. I stay in the game.</i>
<i>You just gotta stay in the game, right?</i>

967
00:47:24.007 --> 00:47:25.342
<i>That's all you're doing.</i>

968
00:47:25.843 --> 00:47:28.929
<i>And I work on my perfectionism.</i>
<i>That's a huge problem with me.</i>

969
00:47:29.012 --> 00:47:32.015
<i>You know, 'cause I compare myself</i>
<i>to those perfect moms.</i>

970
00:47:32.099 --> 00:47:33.684
<i>Oh. You know those bitches?</i>

971
00:47:34.685 --> 00:47:36.103
<i>Those perfect moms?</i>

972
00:47:36.186 --> 00:47:38.897
<i>Oh, they got four kids</i>
<i>and somehow they're a size zero?</i>

973
00:47:40.023 --> 00:47:42.818
<i>What does she say?</i>
<i>"Oh, I do intermittent fasting."</i>

974
00:47:44.486 --> 00:47:47.447
<i>"Yeah, so does half the world,</i>
<i>it's called starvation, bitch."</i>

975
00:47:47.531 --> 00:47:48.866
<i>[laughter]</i>

976
00:47:49.616 --> 00:47:54.037
<i>The worst is when she's like,</i>
<i>"My husband is my best friend."</i>

977
00:47:55.539 --> 00:47:57.165
<i>[laughter]</i>

978
00:47:57.666 --> 00:48:01.253
<i>Gross. These are the same people</i>
<i>that mouth-kiss their moms and dads.</i>

979
00:48:01.336 --> 00:48:02.421
<i>I know it.</i>

980
00:48:02.504 --> 00:48:03.922
<i>[audience laughing]</i>

981
00:48:05.257 --> 00:48:07.676
<i>No, your husband is not your best friend.</i>

982
00:48:07.759 --> 00:48:11.138
<i>Your best friend is the person</i>
<i>you talk shit about your husband to.</i>

983
00:48:11.221 --> 00:48:13.181
<i>[laughter, cheers]</i>

984
00:48:14.099 --> 00:48:14.933
<i>No.</i>

985
00:48:15.434 --> 00:48:17.895
<i>Well, anyway,</i>
<i>I will say the one thing I did right</i>

986
00:48:17.978 --> 00:48:20.480
<i>is I've been married</i>
<i>to the same dude for 17 years.</i>

987
00:48:20.564 --> 00:48:22.149
<i>[audience cheering]</i>

988
00:48:22.232 --> 00:48:23.066
<i>That's right.</i>

989
00:48:23.150 --> 00:48:24.735
<i>[applause]</i>

990
00:48:24.818 --> 00:48:27.404
<i>Seventeen years.</i>

991
00:48:27.487 --> 00:48:29.907
<i>[cheers]</i>

992
00:48:31.325 --> 00:48:33.911
<i>I married a psychopath.</i>

993
00:48:34.411 --> 00:48:36.121
<i>[audience laughing]</i>

994
00:48:36.204 --> 00:48:38.498
<i>Here's how you know</i>
<i>you're with a psychopath.</i>

995
00:48:38.582 --> 00:48:39.917
<i>In the middle of winter,</i>

996
00:48:40.000 --> 00:48:43.003
<i>he sleeps with a fan blowing on him.</i>

997
00:48:43.086 --> 00:48:44.463
<i>[laughter]</i>

998
00:48:44.546 --> 00:48:47.174
<i>[angrily] "I'm hot! I'm hot!"</i>

999
00:48:48.967 --> 00:48:50.677
<i>"Yeah, because you're a psycho,</i>

1000
00:48:50.761 --> 00:48:53.847
<i>and psychos have</i>
<i>a higher core body temperature</i>

1001
00:48:54.848 --> 00:48:58.936
<i>that allows them to stand outside naked</i>
<i>in the freezing rain with a meat cleaver."</i>

1002
00:48:59.019 --> 00:49:00.020
<i>[laughter]</i>

1003
00:49:02.439 --> 00:49:05.609
<i>I told our adorable cleaning lady about it</i>
<i>and she goes,</i>

1004
00:49:05.692 --> 00:49:09.196
<i>"Well, maybe it's because he's so hairy."</i>

1005
00:49:09.696 --> 00:49:10.989
<i>[laughter]</i>

1006
00:49:11.073 --> 00:49:13.241
<i>I'm like, "How do you know, bitch?"</i>

1007
00:49:13.325 --> 00:49:15.535
<i>[laughter]</i>

1008
00:49:16.036 --> 00:49:18.038
<i>Then I remembered she cleans our drains.</i>

1009
00:49:18.121 --> 00:49:19.164
<i>[laughter]</i>

1010
00:49:19.247 --> 00:49:21.124
<i>Poor woman, I know. I know.</i>

1011
00:49:21.208 --> 00:49:24.127
<i>Here's how you know</i>
<i>you're with a psycho, okay? Okay?</i>

1012
00:49:24.962 --> 00:49:26.630
<i>Look at their Netflix queue.</i>

1013
00:49:27.130 --> 00:49:28.632
<i>[audience laughing]</i>

1014
00:49:28.715 --> 00:49:32.970
<i>Look at what Netflix</i>
<i>is suggesting they watch next</i>

1015
00:49:33.053 --> 00:49:35.764
<i>'cause that's somebody's total interests.</i>
<i>That's it.</i>

1016
00:49:36.264 --> 00:49:40.060
<i>Apparently,</i>
<i>my husband only has two areas of interest,</i>

1017
00:49:41.269 --> 00:49:43.772
<i>it's either serial killers…</i>

1018
00:49:43.855 --> 00:49:45.315
<i>[cheers]</i>

1019
00:49:45.399 --> 00:49:46.566
<i>…or World War II.</i>

1020
00:49:46.650 --> 00:49:48.652
<i>[laughter]</i>

1021
00:49:49.653 --> 00:49:53.740
<i>And he likes to watch his shows</i>
<i>as I'm drifting off to sleep at night,</i>

1022
00:49:54.992 --> 00:49:56.535
<i>so, I get to hear either,</i>

1023
00:49:57.035 --> 00:50:01.331
<i>"And the murderer only killed blond women,</i>
<i>mothers of two."</i>

1024
00:50:01.415 --> 00:50:05.544
<i>[laughter]</i>

1025
00:50:07.796 --> 00:50:08.672
<i>Or--</i>

1026
00:50:09.172 --> 00:50:13.635
<i>-[shouting in German]</i>
<i>-[laughter]</i>

1027
00:50:16.138 --> 00:50:19.224
<i>Did you guys know</i>
<i>that Stalin actually killed…</i>

1028
00:50:19.307 --> 00:50:20.559
<i>[laughter]</i>

1029
00:50:20.642 --> 00:50:22.060
<i>…more people than Hitler?</i>

1030
00:50:22.144 --> 00:50:23.186
<i>Did you know that?</i>

1031
00:50:23.270 --> 00:50:27.482
<i>[audience cheering, applauding]</i>

1032
00:50:30.652 --> 00:50:32.904
<i>What do they always say about psychos?</i>

1033
00:50:32.988 --> 00:50:35.949
<i>About psychopaths like</i>
<i>that Brian Laundrie? Remember him?</i>

1034
00:50:36.033 --> 00:50:40.787
<i>What do they always say?</i>
<i>They say, "Oh, he was just a regular guy."</i>

1035
00:50:41.288 --> 00:50:44.166
<i>"Just a regular guy."</i>

1036
00:50:44.249 --> 00:50:47.794
<i>Let me tell you something,</i>
<i>my husband is regular as fuck.</i>

1037
00:50:48.295 --> 00:50:50.714
<i>[laughter]</i>

1038
00:50:50.797 --> 00:50:53.133
<i>Super regular, okay?</i>

1039
00:50:53.216 --> 00:50:55.677
<i>He doesn't know what a duvet cover is.</i>

1040
00:50:57.012 --> 00:50:58.221
<i>Or a pergola.</i>

1041
00:50:58.305 --> 00:51:00.057
<i>He thinks that doing a cleanse</i>

1042
00:51:00.140 --> 00:51:03.060
<i>is scrubbing</i>
<i>his butthole extra in the shower.</i>

1043
00:51:03.143 --> 00:51:05.604
<i>[laughter]</i>

1044
00:51:08.565 --> 00:51:12.360
<i>Regular guys</i>
<i>don't understand subtlety or hints,</i>

1045
00:51:12.444 --> 00:51:15.572
<i>so when they ask, "Babe,</i>
<i>what do you want for your birthday?"</i>

1046
00:51:15.655 --> 00:51:17.115
<i>Don't go, "Oh, nothing."</i>

1047
00:51:18.742 --> 00:51:20.827
<i>'Cause that's what you gonna fucking get.</i>

1048
00:51:20.911 --> 00:51:21.787
<i>[laughter]</i>

1049
00:51:21.870 --> 00:51:23.872
<i>[audience applauding]</i>

1050
00:51:25.082 --> 00:51:26.917
<i>But here's the deal, man. I love it.</i>

1051
00:51:27.000 --> 00:51:30.504
<i>I love being married to regular guy.</i>
<i>It's the best.</i>

1052
00:51:30.587 --> 00:51:34.091
<i>It's so fucking easy 'cause they</i>
<i>only require three things to be happy.</i>

1053
00:51:34.174 --> 00:51:36.551
<i>Three things. Number one, sandwiches.</i>

1054
00:51:36.635 --> 00:51:38.136
<i>[laughter]</i>

1055
00:51:38.220 --> 00:51:41.098
<i>Sandwiches. Just feed him</i>
<i>a sandwich every now and then.</i>

1056
00:51:41.598 --> 00:51:43.600
<i>Don't get fancy. No cucumbers.</i>

1057
00:51:43.683 --> 00:51:45.227
<i>No hummus. None of that shit.</i>

1058
00:51:46.728 --> 00:51:50.148
<i>Two pieces of bread and something</i>
<i>that had a heartbeat in the middle.</i>

1059
00:51:50.232 --> 00:51:51.817
<i>That's it. That's all he needs.</i>

1060
00:51:54.528 --> 00:51:56.780
<i>Easy peasy, lemon squeezy. Number two,</i>

1061
00:51:57.280 --> 00:51:58.323
<i>sports.</i>

1062
00:51:58.824 --> 00:52:00.242
<i>They gotta like sports.</i>

1063
00:52:01.243 --> 00:52:03.370
<i>My husband likes football. Football.</i>

1064
00:52:03.453 --> 00:52:05.163
<i>The game is four hours long,</i>

1065
00:52:05.664 --> 00:52:08.208
<i>followed by the two hour after show</i>

1066
00:52:08.708 --> 00:52:11.586
<i>where the severely out of shape</i>
<i>retired players…</i>

1067
00:52:11.670 --> 00:52:14.798
<i>-[laughter]</i>
<i>-…sit around and talk about the game</i>

1068
00:52:14.881 --> 00:52:16.800
<i>we just all saw…</i>

1069
00:52:16.883 --> 00:52:18.093
<i>[audience laughing]</i>

1070
00:52:18.176 --> 00:52:19.970
<i>…because they have brain damage</i>

1071
00:52:20.053 --> 00:52:23.306
<i>and it takes</i>
<i>five of their collective memories…</i>

1072
00:52:23.390 --> 00:52:24.683
<i>[laughter]</i>

1073
00:52:24.766 --> 00:52:26.768
<i>…to form one coherent memory.</i>

1074
00:52:31.731 --> 00:52:34.192
<i>I love it.</i>
<i>And then they have um, their dad jokes.</i>

1075
00:52:34.276 --> 00:52:35.152
<i>They're like…</i>

1076
00:52:35.235 --> 00:52:38.113
<i>[in deep voice] "That cheerleader looks</i>
<i>more like a tight-end to me, Rick."</i>

1077
00:52:38.196 --> 00:52:39.114
<i>[mock laughing]</i>

1078
00:52:39.197 --> 00:52:40.949
<i>[laughter]</i>

1079
00:52:41.032 --> 00:52:44.661
<i>It's like the male version of </i>The View.
<i>They love that shit.</i>

1080
00:52:44.744 --> 00:52:46.413
<i>[laughter]</i>

1081
00:52:46.496 --> 00:52:47.831
<i>And they're so ugly.</i>

1082
00:52:47.914 --> 00:52:49.749
<i>All the men are so--</i>

1083
00:52:49.833 --> 00:52:52.085
<i>Oh my God, they would never let a woman</i>

1084
00:52:52.169 --> 00:52:54.171
<i>as ugly as Lou Holtz--</i>

1085
00:52:54.838 --> 00:52:58.466
<i>-[laughter]</i>
<i>-The guy can barely talk. He's like--</i>

1086
00:52:58.550 --> 00:53:00.802
<i>[mocking Lou Holtz]</i>

1087
00:53:00.886 --> 00:53:02.053
<i>[laughter]</i>

1088
00:53:03.138 --> 00:53:06.099
<i>"You're right, Lou,</i>
<i>salami is an underrated meat."</i>

1089
00:53:06.183 --> 00:53:07.392
<i>[laughter]</i>

1090
00:53:07.475 --> 00:53:10.437
<i>[mocking Lou Holtz]</i>

1091
00:53:11.354 --> 00:53:12.189
<i>"Mm-hmm."</i>

1092
00:53:12.272 --> 00:53:14.941
<i>"Oatmeal's easy on the gums, Lou.</i>
<i>You got that right."</i>

1093
00:53:15.025 --> 00:53:16.860
<i>[audience laughing]</i>

1094
00:53:18.737 --> 00:53:21.198
<i>But whatever.</i>
<i>I don't bust his balls for all that.</i>

1095
00:53:21.281 --> 00:53:23.533
<i>Why? Because he's home</i>

1096
00:53:24.034 --> 00:53:27.287
<i>on the couch with the dog and the kids</i>

1097
00:53:27.370 --> 00:53:30.373
<i>and one lady who fucking gets it</i>
<i>because that's a good man.</i>

1098
00:53:31.917 --> 00:53:33.919
<i>That's right, lady. Clap for that.</i>

1099
00:53:34.002 --> 00:53:35.086
<i>[audience applauding]</i>

1100
00:53:35.170 --> 00:53:36.171
<i>That's a good man.</i>

1101
00:53:36.254 --> 00:53:39.591
<i>[audience continues applauding]</i>

1102
00:53:40.300 --> 00:53:44.012
<i>That's the guy you marry.</i>
<i>The sports guy, the sandwich guy.</i>

1103
00:53:44.095 --> 00:53:45.305
<i>Now, lastly.</i>

1104
00:53:47.224 --> 00:53:48.767
<i>Number three on the list.</i>

1105
00:53:51.228 --> 00:53:52.270
<i>Sex.</i>

1106
00:53:52.979 --> 00:53:55.232
<i>[cheers]</i>

1107
00:53:55.315 --> 00:53:56.733
<i>You have to have sex</i>

1108
00:53:57.859 --> 00:53:59.027
<i>with your husband. Now…</i>

1109
00:53:59.110 --> 00:53:59.945
<i>[sighing]</i>

1110
00:54:00.028 --> 00:54:03.990
<i>[laughter]</i>

1111
00:54:06.785 --> 00:54:10.997
<i>I don't pretend to be some sexed-up,</i>
<i>hot cool wife. Like I'm not, dude.</i>

1112
00:54:11.081 --> 00:54:11.915
<i>I'm really not.</i>

1113
00:54:12.874 --> 00:54:13.750
<i>I mean honestly,</i>

1114
00:54:14.251 --> 00:54:17.963
<i>after spending a day</i>
<i>with my three and six-year-old boys,</i>

1115
00:54:19.256 --> 00:54:20.632
<i>I am dryer…</i>

1116
00:54:20.715 --> 00:54:23.260
<i>[laughter]</i>

1117
00:54:23.343 --> 00:54:25.428
<i>…than Ruth Bader Ginsburg's pussy.</i>

1118
00:54:25.512 --> 00:54:27.305
<i>[laughter]</i>

1119
00:54:27.389 --> 00:54:30.183
<i>[applause]</i>

1120
00:54:30.267 --> 00:54:33.937
<i>She's dead, so that is a dusty puss.</i>

1121
00:54:37.899 --> 00:54:40.151
<i>I know. I don't, I don't feel sexy.</i>

1122
00:54:40.235 --> 00:54:43.905
<i>I feel like giving up, like just getting</i>
<i>my haircut at the dog groomer's,</i>

1123
00:54:45.156 --> 00:54:47.284
<i>buy all my clothes at the AutoZone,</i>

1124
00:54:47.367 --> 00:54:49.786
<i>like one mechanic's onesie.</i>

1125
00:54:51.246 --> 00:54:52.580
<i>So here's what I do, okay?</i>

1126
00:54:52.664 --> 00:54:56.293
<i>I put my husband</i>
<i>on a 72-hour milking schedule.</i>

1127
00:54:58.169 --> 00:55:01.423
<i>Every 72 hours.</i>
<i>'Cause here's what I noticed.</i>

1128
00:55:01.506 --> 00:55:04.926
<i>Around 72 hours is when the rage builds.</i>

1129
00:55:05.427 --> 00:55:07.637
<i>It's like the </i>60 Minutes <i>clock,</i>
<i>and then it--</i>

1130
00:55:07.721 --> 00:55:09.055
<i>[clock ticking]</i>

1131
00:55:09.139 --> 00:55:12.058
<i>And then somewhere around here…</i>

1132
00:55:14.227 --> 00:55:15.979
<i>"This ice cream is too cold!"</i>

1133
00:55:16.062 --> 00:55:17.731
<i>[laughter]</i>

1134
00:55:17.814 --> 00:55:19.816
<i>"This salt is too salty!" [groaning]</i>

1135
00:55:19.899 --> 00:55:22.444
<i>[laughter]</i>

1136
00:55:22.527 --> 00:55:25.071
<i>And then I got a milk the bear.</i>
<i>I gotta milk him.</i>

1137
00:55:26.364 --> 00:55:28.325
<i>And I don't do it for him,</i>

1138
00:55:28.408 --> 00:55:31.119
<i>I do it for me</i>
<i>and the safety of our children.</i>

1139
00:55:31.202 --> 00:55:33.204
<i>[laughter]</i>

1140
00:55:34.998 --> 00:55:37.334
<i>And I know the moms watching this,</i>
<i>you're like,</i>

1141
00:55:37.417 --> 00:55:40.670
<i>"I don't, I don't really feel</i>
<i>like doing intercourse." Well, yeah.</i>

1142
00:55:41.296 --> 00:55:42.797
<i>You can just give him a handy.</i>

1143
00:55:44.049 --> 00:55:45.508
<i>Or as I like to call it,</i>

1144
00:55:45.592 --> 00:55:46.843
<i>two percent milked.</i>

1145
00:55:46.926 --> 00:55:50.138
<i>[laughter, applause]</i>

1146
00:55:50.221 --> 00:55:54.100
<i>[audience applauding, cheering]</i>

1147
00:55:56.728 --> 00:55:59.898
<i>So, I'll tell you a little personal story.</i>
<i>So the other night…</i>

1148
00:56:01.900 --> 00:56:03.401
<i>yeah, the other night, uh,</i>

1149
00:56:03.485 --> 00:56:05.862
<i>my husband and I made sweet marital love,</i>

1150
00:56:07.447 --> 00:56:09.366
<i>and he rolls over and he goes,</i>

1151
00:56:09.866 --> 00:56:11.076
<i>"Are you proud of me?"</i>

1152
00:56:11.159 --> 00:56:15.538
<i>[laughter]</i>

1153
00:56:15.622 --> 00:56:17.165
<i>I'm like, "Yeah, sure."</i>

1154
00:56:18.833 --> 00:56:22.420
<i>He goes, "No, are you proud of me because</i>

1155
00:56:22.504 --> 00:56:24.881
<i>I had to fart that whole time…</i>

1156
00:56:24.964 --> 00:56:27.634
<i>[laughter]</i>

1157
00:56:27.717 --> 00:56:30.345
<i>…but I didn't out of respect for you."</i>

1158
00:56:32.972 --> 00:56:35.892
<i>I'm like, "Do you even see me</i>
<i>as a woman anymore?"</i>

1159
00:56:35.975 --> 00:56:36.976
<i>[laughter]</i>

1160
00:56:37.060 --> 00:56:39.687
<i>I said, "Go ahead and fart.</i>
<i>The fan's on. Who cares?"</i>

1161
00:56:39.771 --> 00:56:42.107
<i>[audience laughing]</i>

1162
00:56:47.821 --> 00:56:49.364
<i>But that's marriage.</i>

1163
00:56:50.615 --> 00:56:51.950
<i>And that's what it is.</i>

1164
00:56:52.450 --> 00:56:55.620
<i>And being an adult</i>
<i>and having a family life,</i>

1165
00:56:55.703 --> 00:56:56.913
<i>it's not easy,</i>

1166
00:56:57.414 --> 00:56:58.832
<i>but it's a marathon.</i>

1167
00:56:58.915 --> 00:57:01.126
<i>Not a fucking triathlon, but a marathon.</i>

1168
00:57:01.209 --> 00:57:02.919
<i>[laughter]</i>

1169
00:57:04.879 --> 00:57:07.715
<i>And what I've learned is,</i>
<i>I just have to take breaks.</i>

1170
00:57:07.799 --> 00:57:09.676
<i>Just take a break, come back later.</i>

1171
00:57:09.759 --> 00:57:11.261
<i>So what I like to do</i>

1172
00:57:11.344 --> 00:57:13.513
<i>is I get my nails done,</i>
<i>and I've been going</i>

1173
00:57:13.596 --> 00:57:15.390
<i>to the same lady for years, right?</i>

1174
00:57:15.473 --> 00:57:17.851
<i>So five months after</i>
<i>I had my second child,</i>

1175
00:57:17.934 --> 00:57:19.561
<i>five months after I gave birth,</i>

1176
00:57:19.644 --> 00:57:20.770
<i>I went to see her.</i>

1177
00:57:21.271 --> 00:57:22.522
<i>She looks at me and goes,</i>

1178
00:57:23.356 --> 00:57:24.232
<i>"Oh,</i>

1179
00:57:25.525 --> 00:57:26.943
<i>did you have the baby yet?"</i>

1180
00:57:27.444 --> 00:57:29.737
<i>[cheers]</i>

1181
00:57:29.821 --> 00:57:32.407
<i>Yeah, she goes,</i>
<i>"You look fat. You look fat."</i>

1182
00:57:33.658 --> 00:57:37.287
<i>Like, "Is that any way to talk</i>
<i>to your stepdaughter, you fucking bitch?"</i>

1183
00:57:37.370 --> 00:57:40.540
<i>-"Is that any way?"</i>
<i>-[laughter, applause]</i>

1184
00:57:40.623 --> 00:57:45.128
<i>[audience cheering, applauding]</i>

1185
00:57:49.799 --> 00:57:53.511
<i>And look,</i>
<i>I know I'm not supposed to do that accent…</i>

1186
00:57:53.595 --> 00:57:55.096
<i>[laughter]</i>

1187
00:57:55.722 --> 00:57:59.642
<i>…but it was so much funnier, right?</i>
<i>It was so much better. Come on!</i>

1188
00:57:59.726 --> 00:58:01.394
<i>[audience cheering]</i>

1189
00:58:01.478 --> 00:58:02.896
<i>You gotta do that shit.</i>

1190
00:58:03.521 --> 00:58:06.441
<i>[audience applauding]</i>

1191
00:58:06.524 --> 00:58:10.069
<i>Okay, so, okay, so, when I broke my ankle,</i>

1192
00:58:10.570 --> 00:58:12.447
<i>I had like a major</i>

1193
00:58:12.530 --> 00:58:14.824
<i>life realization. Here's what happened.</i>

1194
00:58:14.908 --> 00:58:16.951
<i>I broke my ankle in four places,</i>

1195
00:58:17.035 --> 00:58:18.328
<i>and it was dislocated.</i>

1196
00:58:18.828 --> 00:58:20.830
<i>Yeah, so I'm in the emergency room,</i>

1197
00:58:20.914 --> 00:58:25.043
<i>and the doctor goes,</i>
<i>"We have to reset your bones."</i>

1198
00:58:25.126 --> 00:58:28.087
<i>"I'm gonna give you ketamine</i>
<i>so that you don't remember it."</i>

1199
00:58:28.171 --> 00:58:30.298
<i>[laughter]</i>

1200
00:58:30.381 --> 00:58:31.216
<i>Yeah.</i>

1201
00:58:31.299 --> 00:58:33.510
<i>And then he says…</i>

1202
00:58:33.593 --> 00:58:36.387
<i>He's like,</i>
<i>"You may go on a little journey."</i>

1203
00:58:36.471 --> 00:58:38.473
<i>[laughter]</i>

1204
00:58:40.350 --> 00:58:42.477
<i>I was like, "Yeah, dog, that's what's up."</i>

1205
00:58:42.560 --> 00:58:44.521
<i>[audience cheering]</i>

1206
00:58:44.604 --> 00:58:45.772
<i>"Call me."</i>

1207
00:58:45.855 --> 00:58:47.440
<i>[applause]</i>

1208
00:58:47.524 --> 00:58:48.441
<i>You know, like,</i>

1209
00:58:49.400 --> 00:58:51.778
<i>I've been preparing</i>
<i>for this shit my whole life.</i>

1210
00:58:52.278 --> 00:58:54.197
<i>"Who's a loser now, Mom? Okay."</i>

1211
00:58:54.280 --> 00:58:55.448
<i>[laughter]</i>

1212
00:58:55.532 --> 00:58:59.369
<i>Okay. So they give me the ketamine and--</i>

1213
00:58:59.452 --> 00:59:00.912
<i>[humming in falling tone]</i>

1214
00:59:00.995 --> 00:59:03.790
<i>Like, I slip into the fourth dimension,</i>

1215
00:59:05.124 --> 00:59:06.417
<i>and then I go</i>

1216
00:59:06.501 --> 00:59:08.545
<i>on a vision quest, bros, like…</i>

1217
00:59:08.628 --> 00:59:09.754
<i>[cheers]</i>

1218
00:59:09.837 --> 00:59:12.840
<i>…like a serious vision quest.</i>
<i>So I'm in the fourth dimension,</i>

1219
00:59:12.924 --> 00:59:14.300
<i>and Pac-Man shows up,</i>

1220
00:59:16.219 --> 00:59:17.845
<i>and he's wearing a saddle</i>

1221
00:59:17.929 --> 00:59:21.182
<i>because I live in Texas now</i>
<i>and I think that's where it came from.</i>

1222
00:59:22.141 --> 00:59:25.270
<i>And Pac-Man's like, "Hop on, little lady."</i>

1223
00:59:26.396 --> 00:59:28.356
<i>And I'm like, "Alright, Pac-Man."</i>

1224
00:59:28.856 --> 00:59:31.359
<i>So I get on and we're riding, right?</i>

1225
00:59:31.442 --> 00:59:33.444
<i>[imitating Pac-Man]</i>

1226
00:59:33.528 --> 00:59:35.530
<i>[audience laughing]</i>

1227
00:59:36.906 --> 00:59:38.116
<i>And I see my father,</i>

1228
00:59:39.784 --> 00:59:41.452
<i>but I'm full of compassion…</i>

1229
00:59:43.788 --> 00:59:44.914
<i>and love,</i>

1230
00:59:45.415 --> 00:59:48.042
<i>and I forgive him. I forgive him for him</i>

1231
00:59:48.126 --> 00:59:50.920
<i>not being able to be the dad</i>
<i>I wanted him to be.</i>

1232
00:59:52.088 --> 00:59:55.341
<i>And then I thanked him</i>
<i>for the cool historical facts…</i>

1233
00:59:55.425 --> 00:59:57.594
<i>[laughter]</i>

1234
01:00:02.307 --> 01:00:06.519
<i>…and I thanked him</i>
<i>for teaching me how to dance through life.</i>

1235
01:00:07.770 --> 01:00:09.564
<i>[applause]</i>

1236
01:00:09.647 --> 01:00:12.734
<i>[audience continues applauding]</i>

1237
01:00:12.817 --> 01:00:13.651
<i>And then,</i>

1238
01:00:14.986 --> 01:00:16.237
<i>so I get back on Pac-Man.</i>

1239
01:00:16.321 --> 01:00:18.323
<i>[imitating Pac-Man]</i>

1240
01:00:19.449 --> 01:00:21.159
<i>Now I see my mother,</i>

1241
01:00:22.827 --> 01:00:25.455
<i>and I'm full</i>
<i>of compassion for her and love,</i>

1242
01:00:25.955 --> 01:00:30.001
<i>and I forgive her for not being able</i>
<i>to be the mother I wanted her to be.</i>

1243
01:00:31.377 --> 01:00:33.338
<i>And then I thank her for the fur coats…</i>

1244
01:00:33.421 --> 01:00:35.423
<i>[laughter]</i>

1245
01:00:38.426 --> 01:00:41.137
<i>…and for making me resilient.</i>

1246
01:00:42.305 --> 01:00:45.391
<i>[applause]</i>

1247
01:00:47.393 --> 01:00:48.645
<i>Resilient.</i>

1248
01:00:48.728 --> 01:00:52.982
<i>[audience continues applauding]</i>

1249
01:00:53.066 --> 01:00:55.109
<i>Because, by the time I was seven,</i>

1250
01:00:55.193 --> 01:00:56.736
<i>I could use the stove…</i>

1251
01:00:56.819 --> 01:00:58.946
<i>[laughter]</i>

1252
01:00:59.572 --> 01:01:01.699
<i>…to light my own cigarettes.</i>

1253
01:01:01.783 --> 01:01:04.160
<i>[laughter, cheers]</i>

1254
01:01:04.243 --> 01:01:05.203
<i>Yeah.</i>

1255
01:01:05.286 --> 01:01:07.872
<i>[audience applauding]</i>

1256
01:01:08.831 --> 01:01:10.124
<i>And then I ride on.</i>

1257
01:01:10.208 --> 01:01:11.376
<i>[imitating Pac-Man]</i>

1258
01:01:12.835 --> 01:01:14.879
<i>And now I see my children,</i>

1259
01:01:16.464 --> 01:01:18.007
<i>my beautiful boys,</i>

1260
01:01:19.384 --> 01:01:22.929
<i>[inhaling] and I'm overcome</i>
<i>with love and gratitude</i>

1261
01:01:24.347 --> 01:01:27.684
<i>that they exist</i>
<i>and they've given me this purpose,</i>

1262
01:01:28.184 --> 01:01:31.896
<i>and they've made me wanna be a better</i>
<i>mother and human being every day.</i>

1263
01:01:33.272 --> 01:01:34.148
<i>[inhaling deeply]</i>

1264
01:01:34.982 --> 01:01:37.110
<i>[exhaling]</i>
<i>And then the ketamine wears off…</i>

1265
01:01:37.193 --> 01:01:39.195
<i>[laughter]</i>

1266
01:01:46.786 --> 01:01:47.620
<i>[chuckles]</i>

1267
01:01:48.996 --> 01:01:51.249
<i>[audience laughing]</i>

1268
01:01:53.334 --> 01:01:55.712
<i>…and my husband is next to me and he's--</i>

1269
01:01:57.171 --> 01:01:58.256
<i>he's holding my hand.</i>

1270
01:01:59.924 --> 01:02:02.927
<i>Yeah, and I grab him</i>
<i>and I pull him close to me,</i>

1271
01:02:03.594 --> 01:02:05.847
<i>and his face is right here and I go,</i>

1272
01:02:07.181 --> 01:02:08.141
<i>I know</i>

1273
01:02:09.267 --> 01:02:11.853
<i>you can hear babies crying in the night.</i>

1274
01:02:11.936 --> 01:02:13.479
<i>[laughter]</i>

1275
01:02:13.563 --> 01:02:15.648
<i>-[audience applauding]</i>
<i>-Thank you, guys.</i>

1276
01:02:15.732 --> 01:02:18.067
<i>I love you very much. Thank you so much.</i>

1277
01:02:18.151 --> 01:02:19.944
<i>["Relax" by</i>
<i>Frankie Goes To Hollywood playing]</i>

1278
01:02:20.027 --> 01:02:22.155
<i>♪ Relax, don't do it ♪</i>

1279
01:02:22.238 --> 01:02:24.073
<i>♪ When you want to go to it ♪</i>

1280
01:02:24.157 --> 01:02:26.409
<i>♪ Relax, don't do it ♪</i>

1281
01:02:26.492 --> 01:02:28.453
<i>♪ When you want to come ♪</i>

1282
01:02:28.536 --> 01:02:30.580 line:5%
<i>♪ Relax, don't do it ♪</i>

1283
01:02:30.663 --> 01:02:32.665 line:5%
<i>♪ When you want to sock into it ♪</i>

1284
01:02:32.749 --> 01:02:34.792 line:5%
<i>♪ Relax, don't do it ♪</i>

1285
01:02:35.793 --> 01:02:37.503 line:5%
<i>♪ When you want to come ♪</i>

1286
01:02:40.006 --> 01:02:41.716 line:5%
<i>♪ When you want to come ♪</i>

1287
01:02:41.799 --> 01:02:43.426 line:5%
<i>[cheers]</i>