1 00:00:02,000 --> 00:00:07,000 Downloaded from YTS.MX 2 00:00:06,006 --> 00:00:08,341 ["Relax" by Frankie Goes To Hollywood playing] 3 00:00:08,000 --> 00:00:13,000 Official YIFY movies site: YTS.MX 4 00:00:08,425 --> 00:00:10,427 [cheers, applause] 5 00:00:20,311 --> 00:00:22,689 [audience applauding] 6 00:00:29,237 --> 00:00:30,822 ["Relax" continues] 7 00:00:32,574 --> 00:00:34,242 [indistinct mouthing] 8 00:00:37,120 --> 00:00:38,121 ["Relax" fades out] 9 00:00:38,204 --> 00:00:41,124 Oh! New York City! 10 00:00:41,207 --> 00:00:43,293 Yeah, dudes! 11 00:00:43,376 --> 00:00:45,462 [audience cheering] 12 00:00:45,545 --> 00:00:49,257 Oh! Thank you guys so much for being here. I'm so happy. 13 00:00:49,340 --> 00:00:51,342 [audience cheering] 14 00:00:51,426 --> 00:00:52,427 Ah! 15 00:00:53,428 --> 00:00:56,598 Ah! I'm so happy to be away from my family. 16 00:00:56,681 --> 00:00:57,515 [cheers] 17 00:00:57,599 --> 00:00:58,808 [chuckles] 18 00:00:59,851 --> 00:01:01,686 Man, I got two little boys 19 00:01:01,770 --> 00:01:06,232 and a cisgendered male husband. Boo! 20 00:01:06,316 --> 00:01:07,442 [laughter] 21 00:01:08,401 --> 00:01:11,529 Man, it is all dicks, all day. 22 00:01:11,613 --> 00:01:12,822 [laughter] 23 00:01:12,906 --> 00:01:16,785 My house has less feminine energy than Sarah Huckabee Sanders. 24 00:01:16,868 --> 00:01:18,036 Holy shit. 25 00:01:18,119 --> 00:01:19,496 [audience laughing] 26 00:01:19,579 --> 00:01:23,666 I am the only clam on the menu at Long Dong Silver. 27 00:01:26,753 --> 00:01:29,380 Oh my God, and the last baby I pumped out of me 28 00:01:29,464 --> 00:01:33,551 was ten pounds, ten ounces. 29 00:01:33,635 --> 00:01:35,303 -[audience cheering] -Yeah. 30 00:01:36,346 --> 00:01:37,263 Boom! 31 00:01:38,431 --> 00:01:40,892 Talk about a vag blaster. 32 00:01:42,435 --> 00:01:44,395 Wrecked my cold cut combo. 33 00:01:44,896 --> 00:01:46,064 [laughter] 34 00:01:46,147 --> 00:01:48,233 Slayed my sausage wallet. 35 00:01:49,275 --> 00:01:51,486 Destroyed my whisker biscuit. 36 00:01:52,320 --> 00:01:55,323 Bloodier than a Mexican town in a drug war. 37 00:01:55,406 --> 00:01:56,533 [laughter] 38 00:01:56,616 --> 00:02:00,620 Oh, like a goddamn IED went off down there, folks. 39 00:02:02,122 --> 00:02:03,331 And here's the deal… 40 00:02:05,834 --> 00:02:07,293 I have had not one, 41 00:02:07,377 --> 00:02:10,004 I have had two episiotomies. 42 00:02:10,088 --> 00:02:12,215 -[audience] Ooh! -Do you know what that is? 43 00:02:12,298 --> 00:02:13,133 [woman] Yes! 44 00:02:13,216 --> 00:02:15,635 It's where they cut your taint. 45 00:02:17,137 --> 00:02:18,680 Now, it's an "ain't." 46 00:02:18,763 --> 00:02:20,265 [laughter] 47 00:02:20,348 --> 00:02:23,601 Just a big HOV lane for waste. 48 00:02:23,685 --> 00:02:25,061 [audience cheering] 49 00:02:30,817 --> 00:02:32,569 Oh my God, it's so messed up. 50 00:02:32,652 --> 00:02:33,862 After you have a baby, 51 00:02:33,945 --> 00:02:36,865 the doctors have the nerve to ask you 52 00:02:36,948 --> 00:02:40,535 if you think you might have postpartum depression. 53 00:02:41,286 --> 00:02:45,248 They go, "It's a mental illness. It's a syndrome." [smacking lips] 54 00:02:47,125 --> 00:02:50,837 I'm like, "If you're not depressed after having a baby, 55 00:02:51,671 --> 00:02:52,964 you're mentally ill." 56 00:02:53,047 --> 00:02:55,049 [laughter] 57 00:02:55,758 --> 00:02:57,969 [audience applauding] 58 00:02:58,052 --> 00:02:58,887 Yeah. 59 00:03:00,221 --> 00:03:03,224 Because, first of all, okay, 60 00:03:03,308 --> 00:03:05,059 you're fatter than Bert Kreischer. 61 00:03:05,143 --> 00:03:06,477 [laughter] 62 00:03:06,561 --> 00:03:11,691 -That was for you. You, you, you! -[audience cheering] 63 00:03:11,774 --> 00:03:13,276 [laughing hysterically] 64 00:03:14,027 --> 00:03:16,362 You're so fucking fat, and-- 65 00:03:18,031 --> 00:03:21,826 and because I've squeezed people out of me, 66 00:03:21,910 --> 00:03:23,369 every time I cough, 67 00:03:23,870 --> 00:03:26,956 I pee just a tiny little bit. 68 00:03:27,040 --> 00:03:28,875 Not a lot, it's just a whisper, 69 00:03:28,958 --> 00:03:30,460 just a dollop, just a mwah! 70 00:03:30,543 --> 00:03:32,337 Kisses my panty just like, 71 00:03:33,129 --> 00:03:35,256 "You're gorgeous." Just a little something. 72 00:03:36,549 --> 00:03:40,094 Not enough to merit an underwear change in my mind… 73 00:03:40,178 --> 00:03:41,471 [laughter] 74 00:03:41,554 --> 00:03:45,475 …so instead I walk around in piss pants most of the time. 75 00:03:46,351 --> 00:03:48,311 [applause] 76 00:03:48,394 --> 00:03:49,229 Thank you. 77 00:03:50,146 --> 00:03:52,190 And I don't change my underwear 78 00:03:52,273 --> 00:03:53,816 because I'm exhausted. 79 00:03:54,859 --> 00:03:57,654 I'm too tired because I have a three-year-old 80 00:03:57,737 --> 00:03:59,113 and a six-year-old boy, 81 00:03:59,197 --> 00:04:03,534 and they want too much from parents these days. Too much. 82 00:04:03,618 --> 00:04:09,040 The school asked me to pack nut-free granola bars. 83 00:04:11,376 --> 00:04:13,670 [laughter] 84 00:04:13,753 --> 00:04:14,671 Nut 85 00:04:15,713 --> 00:04:16,589 free 86 00:04:17,465 --> 00:04:18,800 granola bars. 87 00:04:18,883 --> 00:04:20,843 I'm like, "Do you mean a KitKat?" 88 00:04:20,927 --> 00:04:22,929 [laughter] 89 00:04:24,097 --> 00:04:26,099 "Here's a Thermos full of Mountain Dew." 90 00:04:26,182 --> 00:04:27,100 "Enjoy him today." 91 00:04:27,183 --> 00:04:29,060 [laughter] 92 00:04:31,271 --> 00:04:36,359 Insanity. They gave my three-year-old, my three-year-old, a progress report. 93 00:04:37,277 --> 00:04:41,114 I'm like, "Can we hold off on paperwork 'till he knows the difference between 94 00:04:41,197 --> 00:04:43,324 spaghetti and 'pasketti'? How about that?" 95 00:04:43,408 --> 00:04:44,867 [laughter] 96 00:04:46,661 --> 00:04:49,998 And the teacher said, "Julian is a nice boy, 97 00:04:50,081 --> 00:04:53,668 but he doesn't play with all the kids." 98 00:04:54,711 --> 00:04:56,212 And I said, "Good." 99 00:04:56,713 --> 00:04:58,089 [laughter] 100 00:04:58,172 --> 00:05:01,509 "Have you seen these goddamn losers in his class?" 101 00:05:01,592 --> 00:05:04,053 [laughter, cheers] 102 00:05:04,137 --> 00:05:06,139 [audience applauding, cheering] 103 00:05:06,222 --> 00:05:07,056 Yeah. 104 00:05:08,391 --> 00:05:09,350 Well, 105 00:05:09,434 --> 00:05:13,563 I'd say spotting a loser is more important than learning to read, don't you think? 106 00:05:13,646 --> 00:05:14,522 [cheers] 107 00:05:15,690 --> 00:05:17,317 It's too much. It's too much. 108 00:05:17,400 --> 00:05:20,069 I want to be an '80s mom. An '80s mom. 109 00:05:20,153 --> 00:05:22,530 Oh! They had it the best, didn't they? 110 00:05:22,613 --> 00:05:26,200 There used to be a commercial that came on at ten o'clock at night 111 00:05:26,284 --> 00:05:31,914 that said, "It's ten p.m., do you know where your children are?" 112 00:05:31,998 --> 00:05:33,374 [cheers] 113 00:05:33,458 --> 00:05:36,502 They had to remind bitches they even had kids. 114 00:05:36,586 --> 00:05:38,838 [audience applauding] 115 00:05:38,921 --> 00:05:39,922 Come on. 116 00:05:41,132 --> 00:05:44,218 Talk about the Golden Age of motherhood. 117 00:05:46,429 --> 00:05:51,476 Now they tell moms, "Oh, your kid has to eat the rainbow of vegetables." 118 00:05:51,559 --> 00:05:54,270 "Eat the rainbow of vegetables." 119 00:05:54,354 --> 00:05:57,106 Dude, growing up, I ate two colors, red and yellow. 120 00:05:57,190 --> 00:05:59,817 McDonald's, three times a week at least. 121 00:05:59,901 --> 00:06:01,486 -At least. -[cheers] 122 00:06:03,154 --> 00:06:05,531 Those Happy Meals sure make you sad, don't they? 123 00:06:05,615 --> 00:06:07,241 [audience laughing] 124 00:06:07,325 --> 00:06:10,036 All the salt and preservatives. 125 00:06:10,536 --> 00:06:12,497 "Mommy, my left arm is numb." 126 00:06:12,580 --> 00:06:14,791 [laughter] 127 00:06:14,874 --> 00:06:18,669 [groans] "Is this what delicious feels like? Ah." 128 00:06:21,172 --> 00:06:22,256 The '80s, man. 129 00:06:22,757 --> 00:06:25,426 There was no "mindful parenting." 130 00:06:25,510 --> 00:06:29,263 My mom used to cuss me out in the JCPenney parking lot 131 00:06:30,556 --> 00:06:32,100 in Hungarian… 132 00:06:32,183 --> 00:06:33,309 [audience cheering] 133 00:06:33,393 --> 00:06:34,727 …screaming at me-- 134 00:06:34,811 --> 00:06:36,813 [shouting in Hungarian] 135 00:06:36,896 --> 00:06:37,897 [laughter] 136 00:06:39,315 --> 00:06:41,192 Which translates to, 137 00:06:41,275 --> 00:06:44,028 "I'm gonna hit your head so hard 138 00:06:45,988 --> 00:06:47,782 you're gonna shit your pants." 139 00:06:47,865 --> 00:06:49,534 [laughter] 140 00:06:49,617 --> 00:06:51,160 [laughing hysterically] 141 00:06:52,745 --> 00:06:56,207 Yeah, you could hit your kid. Hell, you could hit other people's kids. 142 00:06:56,290 --> 00:06:58,418 -[audience laughing] -That wasn't illegal. 143 00:06:58,501 --> 00:07:00,169 You were doing that mom a favor. 144 00:07:01,170 --> 00:07:02,004 [belches] 145 00:07:02,088 --> 00:07:03,506 [laughter] 146 00:07:03,589 --> 00:07:07,301 [audience applauding, cheering] 147 00:07:11,013 --> 00:07:13,599 You see me. You really, really see me. [chuckles] 148 00:07:13,683 --> 00:07:15,059 [cheers continue] 149 00:07:15,143 --> 00:07:18,146 Now, I'm not saying that the '80s were perfect 150 00:07:18,229 --> 00:07:20,857 or that child abuse is right… 151 00:07:21,357 --> 00:07:23,317 [laughter] 152 00:07:23,401 --> 00:07:24,527 …but here's the thing… 153 00:07:24,610 --> 00:07:27,238 [laughter] 154 00:07:27,321 --> 00:07:30,241 …well, you need a little strife in your life, 155 00:07:30,324 --> 00:07:31,701 a little struggle, 156 00:07:31,784 --> 00:07:33,536 a little "putting a brick in it." 157 00:07:34,787 --> 00:07:37,206 Why? To create resilience. 158 00:07:37,290 --> 00:07:38,791 Resilience! 159 00:07:38,875 --> 00:07:42,503 Okay? '80s weren't perfect, but I'll tell you what they didn't have. 160 00:07:42,587 --> 00:07:45,381 There were no uh, safe spaces. [imitating fart] 161 00:07:45,465 --> 00:07:46,591 [laughter] 162 00:07:47,383 --> 00:07:49,552 There were no trigger warnings. 163 00:07:49,635 --> 00:07:50,470 [laughter] 164 00:07:50,553 --> 00:07:53,890 And there were no fucking peanut allergies. 165 00:07:53,973 --> 00:07:58,436 [audience cheering, applauding] 166 00:07:58,519 --> 00:07:59,645 Well… 167 00:07:59,729 --> 00:08:02,315 Why? Because for thousands of years, 168 00:08:02,398 --> 00:08:04,984 the only people who could have children 169 00:08:05,067 --> 00:08:07,361 were ones who could hunt for food, 170 00:08:07,445 --> 00:08:08,654 build shelter, 171 00:08:08,738 --> 00:08:11,157 and fight saber-toothed tigers. 172 00:08:11,240 --> 00:08:12,408 [audience laughing] 173 00:08:12,492 --> 00:08:15,286 Now, there are people having kids 174 00:08:15,369 --> 00:08:17,955 who can't eat wheat. 175 00:08:18,039 --> 00:08:20,041 [laughter] 176 00:08:21,667 --> 00:08:23,669 [laughter continues] 177 00:08:23,753 --> 00:08:28,174 [audience applauding] 178 00:08:32,178 --> 00:08:34,931 [mocking] "Uh, but Christina, it's an allergy." 179 00:08:35,014 --> 00:08:36,807 "You don't know." 180 00:08:37,433 --> 00:08:40,937 Well, I do know I ain't fucking a guy that's scared of toast. 181 00:08:41,020 --> 00:08:42,813 [laughter] 182 00:08:45,399 --> 00:08:46,234 Yeah. 183 00:08:47,026 --> 00:08:49,529 Let me tell you something, my favorite question 184 00:08:49,612 --> 00:08:52,490 when I go to a restaurant is when a waiter asks me, 185 00:08:52,573 --> 00:08:55,535 "Ma'am, do you have any food sensitivities?" 186 00:08:56,035 --> 00:08:58,079 I can't fucking laugh hard enough. 187 00:08:58,913 --> 00:09:01,958 [laughing] I'm like, "No, boo-boo, no." 188 00:09:02,041 --> 00:09:07,922 [snorts] "No, I have… I have zero 'sensitivities' 189 00:09:08,923 --> 00:09:11,551 "to anything fucking ever… 190 00:09:11,634 --> 00:09:14,262 [laughter] 191 00:09:14,345 --> 00:09:16,305 …because I'm Generation X." 192 00:09:16,389 --> 00:09:19,141 [audience cheering] 193 00:09:19,225 --> 00:09:20,393 Yeah. 194 00:09:20,476 --> 00:09:21,561 I'm Gen X, man. 195 00:09:21,644 --> 00:09:25,982 I grew up playing on scorching hot metal monkey bars in the middle of summer. 196 00:09:26,857 --> 00:09:30,528 And when I fell, it wasn't onto foam or mulch, 197 00:09:31,028 --> 00:09:33,573 I fell onto a dead hobo. 198 00:09:33,656 --> 00:09:36,576 [audience laughing] 199 00:09:36,659 --> 00:09:39,161 Yes, I grew up swimming in the L.A. River. 200 00:09:39,245 --> 00:09:41,455 It's not a river, it's a sewer. 201 00:09:41,539 --> 00:09:43,332 [laughter] 202 00:09:43,833 --> 00:09:46,377 And back in the day, everyone got bullied. 203 00:09:46,460 --> 00:09:49,046 Everyone got bullied. 204 00:09:49,547 --> 00:09:53,134 And then when you went home and told your parents about it, 205 00:09:53,217 --> 00:09:56,429 they would bully you for not standing up for yourself. 206 00:09:56,512 --> 00:09:58,889 [applause] 207 00:09:58,973 --> 00:10:01,392 Fuck it, dude, I'm an '80s mom. I'm an '80s mom. 208 00:10:01,475 --> 00:10:05,896 I'll tell you what, I let my kids jump from the couch to the coffee table… 209 00:10:07,106 --> 00:10:09,775 [shouting] …'cause that's what baby teeth are for! 210 00:10:09,859 --> 00:10:11,068 [cheers] 211 00:10:11,152 --> 00:10:14,572 [audience applauding] 212 00:10:14,655 --> 00:10:16,032 Yes. 213 00:10:16,115 --> 00:10:18,993 [audience continues applauding] 214 00:10:19,076 --> 00:10:21,454 Yes. Yes. 215 00:10:21,537 --> 00:10:24,540 [imitating preacher] Yes, I believe. I believe… 216 00:10:24,624 --> 00:10:26,751 [laughter] 217 00:10:26,834 --> 00:10:30,087 … that eating floor Cheerios makes you strong. 218 00:10:30,171 --> 00:10:32,632 [audience cheering] 219 00:10:32,715 --> 00:10:35,051 "Better than vaccine!" 220 00:10:35,134 --> 00:10:36,636 [laughter] 221 00:10:36,719 --> 00:10:38,179 There's a game in my house, 222 00:10:38,262 --> 00:10:41,307 if there's food on the floor and you can beat the dog to it, 223 00:10:41,390 --> 00:10:43,100 it's yours. 224 00:10:43,184 --> 00:10:44,310 [laughter] 225 00:10:47,271 --> 00:10:50,608 I teach my children how to lie properly. 226 00:10:50,691 --> 00:10:51,692 [cheers] 227 00:10:51,776 --> 00:10:53,819 Well, that's an important life skill, 228 00:10:54,320 --> 00:10:57,198 'cause one day they're gonna grow up and have a boss. 229 00:10:58,574 --> 00:11:00,910 Oh, honesty is the best policy? 230 00:11:00,993 --> 00:11:02,161 [laughing] 231 00:11:02,244 --> 00:11:04,997 Not when I've spent two hours of company time on TikTok. 232 00:11:05,081 --> 00:11:07,249 -[continues laughing] -[cheers] 233 00:11:07,333 --> 00:11:08,292 Yeah. 234 00:11:09,835 --> 00:11:12,088 I let my children watch cartoons. 235 00:11:12,171 --> 00:11:14,507 Old school ones, bros. Old school. 236 00:11:14,590 --> 00:11:16,467 I go Bugs Bunny, bam! 237 00:11:16,550 --> 00:11:17,760 [cheers] 238 00:11:17,843 --> 00:11:20,304 -Woody Woodpecker, boom! -[cheers] 239 00:11:20,388 --> 00:11:22,348 Pepé Le Pew. 240 00:11:22,431 --> 00:11:24,183 [audience cheering] 241 00:11:25,601 --> 00:11:29,146 [mocking] "Oh, but, Christina, Pepé's problematic." 242 00:11:29,230 --> 00:11:31,148 [audience laughing] 243 00:11:31,232 --> 00:11:33,317 Well, I talk to my kids and I say, 244 00:11:33,401 --> 00:11:37,780 "Hey, not all French are rapists." 245 00:11:37,863 --> 00:11:42,243 [laughter] 246 00:11:42,326 --> 00:11:44,870 "But they do smell like shit." 247 00:11:44,954 --> 00:11:49,625 [audience cheering, applauding] 248 00:11:55,214 --> 00:11:56,257 [chuckling] So… 249 00:12:00,761 --> 00:12:03,139 Mmm. Back when I lived in California, 250 00:12:03,222 --> 00:12:05,474 uh, there's a helmet law that says 251 00:12:05,558 --> 00:12:07,518 every time your kid rides a bicycle, 252 00:12:07,601 --> 00:12:09,520 you have to put a helmet on them, 253 00:12:10,521 --> 00:12:11,522 and I did it 254 00:12:11,605 --> 00:12:13,691 because I'm an amazing fucking mom. 255 00:12:14,191 --> 00:12:16,360 [cheers] 256 00:12:16,861 --> 00:12:18,279 But in my heart, 257 00:12:18,779 --> 00:12:20,156 in my soul, 258 00:12:20,948 --> 00:12:21,866 I'd be like… 259 00:12:22,366 --> 00:12:25,286 [tuts] "This fucking pussy shit." 260 00:12:25,369 --> 00:12:26,746 [laughter] 261 00:12:28,706 --> 00:12:31,125 Are you joking? A helmet? 262 00:12:31,625 --> 00:12:33,085 To ride a bicycle? 263 00:12:33,169 --> 00:12:36,505 Is there anything more embarrassing in life? 264 00:12:37,715 --> 00:12:40,593 Right? 'Cause growing up in school, there was that one kid 265 00:12:40,676 --> 00:12:42,928 who wore a helmet and didn't ride a bike, 266 00:12:43,012 --> 00:12:44,054 if you catch my-- 267 00:12:44,138 --> 00:12:46,807 [laughter] 268 00:12:49,018 --> 00:12:51,645 Maybe tore tickets at the movie theater. 269 00:12:51,729 --> 00:12:53,606 [audience] Ooh! 270 00:12:54,648 --> 00:12:59,361 Ooh! Maybe collected shopping carts in the parking lot. 271 00:12:59,445 --> 00:13:02,573 [laughter] 272 00:13:04,825 --> 00:13:08,287 We had a kid like that at our school and we called him Double Dare. 273 00:13:08,370 --> 00:13:09,955 [cheers] 274 00:13:10,581 --> 00:13:14,502 Relax, relax, you can laugh at Double Dare. 275 00:13:14,585 --> 00:13:16,086 He's totally fine now. 276 00:13:16,587 --> 00:13:18,214 Yeah, he's totally normal. 277 00:13:18,297 --> 00:13:20,508 It turns out, back in the day, 278 00:13:20,591 --> 00:13:22,718 they were just giving him the wrong pills. 279 00:13:22,802 --> 00:13:24,887 -[woman in the audience] Oh my God! -Yeah, 280 00:13:24,970 --> 00:13:27,848 so through the miracle of modern medicine, 281 00:13:27,932 --> 00:13:30,309 they made him detarded. 282 00:13:30,392 --> 00:13:31,602 [laughter] 283 00:13:31,685 --> 00:13:32,937 Thank you so much. 284 00:13:33,020 --> 00:13:34,688 God, that was such a good joke. 285 00:13:35,189 --> 00:13:38,067 [audience applauding, cheering] 286 00:13:38,150 --> 00:13:38,984 Okay. 287 00:13:39,610 --> 00:13:41,195 That's my favorite joke. 288 00:13:41,278 --> 00:13:44,490 [applause continues] 289 00:13:44,573 --> 00:13:46,534 I know you'll say that shit on Monday. 290 00:13:46,617 --> 00:13:49,119 You're gonna be like, "That Cindy, she's detarded." 291 00:13:49,203 --> 00:13:51,205 [audience laughing] 292 00:13:53,123 --> 00:13:53,958 Now, 293 00:13:54,834 --> 00:13:57,086 I like my kids to watch Sesame Street 294 00:13:57,169 --> 00:13:58,879 'cause that's what I grew up on. 295 00:13:58,963 --> 00:14:00,673 Right? Sesame Street. Yeah. 296 00:14:00,756 --> 00:14:03,843 Yeah. But um, have you seen Sesame Street lately? 297 00:14:05,553 --> 00:14:07,805 Ugh! The neighborhood's gone to shit. 298 00:14:07,888 --> 00:14:10,558 [audience laughing] 299 00:14:10,641 --> 00:14:12,852 You guys are gonna die. You're gonna die. 300 00:14:12,935 --> 00:14:14,103 So, first of all, 301 00:14:15,604 --> 00:14:17,606 Cookie Monster, Cookie Monster, 302 00:14:17,690 --> 00:14:21,360 gluttonous piece of shit that taught you not to overdo it with the sweets, 303 00:14:22,403 --> 00:14:25,781 now eats fruit and vegetables. 304 00:14:25,865 --> 00:14:27,032 [screams] 305 00:14:27,116 --> 00:14:28,951 [audience] Boo! 306 00:14:29,034 --> 00:14:31,453 I know, what's next? 307 00:14:31,954 --> 00:14:35,583 What's next, Big Bird's gone free range? Fuck that! 308 00:14:35,666 --> 00:14:37,001 [laughter] 309 00:14:37,084 --> 00:14:38,168 No! 310 00:14:39,003 --> 00:14:41,505 No, Oscar the Grouch, Oscar the Grouch, 311 00:14:41,589 --> 00:14:45,843 the first hoarder you ever knew, lived in his own filth in a trash can, 312 00:14:46,343 --> 00:14:49,638 now lives in a recycling bin. 313 00:14:49,722 --> 00:14:51,932 -[laughter] -[man in the audience] Boo! 314 00:14:52,016 --> 00:14:55,769 Oh my God, you know he's gonna be one of these assholes who wears patchouli. 315 00:14:55,853 --> 00:14:57,313 [audience laughing] 316 00:14:57,396 --> 00:14:59,023 You know those people? And-- 317 00:14:59,106 --> 00:15:03,027 They don't buy regular deodorant, instead they buy Tom's. 318 00:15:03,110 --> 00:15:04,695 [audience laughing] 319 00:15:04,778 --> 00:15:06,822 Oh! Then they have to tell you about it. 320 00:15:06,906 --> 00:15:10,117 [mocking] "Oh, well, you know, Christina, the regular deodorant." 321 00:15:10,618 --> 00:15:13,329 "Regular, regular deodorant--" 322 00:15:13,412 --> 00:15:18,876 [laughter] 323 00:15:18,959 --> 00:15:22,463 "The regular deodorant has aluminum in it…" 324 00:15:22,546 --> 00:15:24,381 [laughter] 325 00:15:24,465 --> 00:15:29,553 "…and the aluminum gives you Alzheimer's." 326 00:15:30,054 --> 00:15:33,265 Like, yeah, we all wish you had Alzheimer's 327 00:15:33,766 --> 00:15:36,852 because you smell like Dog the Bounty Hunter's cunt… 328 00:15:36,936 --> 00:15:37,770 [laughter] 329 00:15:37,853 --> 00:15:40,189 …with your fake-ass deodorant. 330 00:15:40,272 --> 00:15:43,734 [cheers] 331 00:15:46,320 --> 00:15:48,280 Okay, Bert and Ernie, 332 00:15:48,781 --> 00:15:50,658 still not gay… 333 00:15:50,741 --> 00:15:52,493 [laughter] 334 00:15:52,576 --> 00:15:55,579 …but they are polyamorous. 335 00:15:56,622 --> 00:15:59,625 It's my favorite. I love polyamory. 336 00:16:00,125 --> 00:16:01,585 I… I live for that shit. 337 00:16:02,211 --> 00:16:03,712 I love when somebody is like, 338 00:16:04,213 --> 00:16:06,465 "I'm polyamorous." 339 00:16:07,549 --> 00:16:11,512 [tuts] Like, "Bitch, back in the '90s, you was just a ho." You know what I mean? 340 00:16:11,595 --> 00:16:13,138 [laughter] 341 00:16:13,222 --> 00:16:15,933 Right? You're just horny. That's not an identity. 342 00:16:20,437 --> 00:16:23,607 Okay, but there's-- Okay, there's a new character on the street. 343 00:16:23,691 --> 00:16:25,526 [shrieking] 344 00:16:25,609 --> 00:16:29,238 Um, her name is Julia and she's autistic. 345 00:16:29,321 --> 00:16:31,448 [audience] Aw! 346 00:16:31,949 --> 00:16:37,830 [laughter] 347 00:16:38,872 --> 00:16:39,999 Aw! 348 00:16:40,082 --> 00:16:41,417 [laughter] 349 00:16:42,418 --> 00:16:44,670 No, f-- you guys, that is like-- 350 00:16:45,587 --> 00:16:47,881 [laughter] 351 00:16:47,965 --> 00:16:50,718 [laughing] I got so fucking excited 352 00:16:51,218 --> 00:16:54,304 that Sesame Street put out an autistic puppet. 353 00:16:55,347 --> 00:16:57,224 Dude, I was stoked. I got so happy. 354 00:16:57,307 --> 00:17:00,561 It was like when a new Tourette's documentary comes out… 355 00:17:01,729 --> 00:17:04,356 [laughing] …you're all fucking excited, and then you-- 356 00:17:04,440 --> 00:17:08,360 you watch it, and two minutes in, you go, "Oh God, these people are suffering." 357 00:17:08,444 --> 00:17:10,529 [laughter] 358 00:17:10,612 --> 00:17:12,698 "I'm a bad person." 359 00:17:15,868 --> 00:17:19,955 [chuckles] So I started watching Julia, the autistic character, and I… 360 00:17:22,416 --> 00:17:24,710 I really like her. I really like her. 361 00:17:24,793 --> 00:17:29,131 I learned about autism, which was cool, and what I like best is that, 362 00:17:29,214 --> 00:17:32,259 sometimes she gets upset and she hits Elmo… 363 00:17:32,342 --> 00:17:35,137 [laughter] 364 00:17:35,220 --> 00:17:37,306 …which is great 'cause fuck Elmo, right? 365 00:17:37,389 --> 00:17:39,600 He's the worst. He's the worst. 366 00:17:39,683 --> 00:17:41,560 He's always laughing at his own shit. 367 00:17:41,643 --> 00:17:42,978 [laughter] 368 00:17:43,062 --> 00:17:45,272 [mocking] "Elmo loves you." [laughing] 369 00:17:45,355 --> 00:17:46,607 [laughter] 370 00:17:46,690 --> 00:17:49,318 "Elmo goes potty." [laughing] 371 00:17:50,861 --> 00:17:53,363 He sounds like a nervous porno actress. 372 00:17:53,447 --> 00:17:55,074 [laughter] 373 00:17:55,157 --> 00:17:59,912 Like you know when the casting director will shoot the interview before the scene? 374 00:17:59,995 --> 00:18:03,082 Don't act like you don't know what the fuck I'm talking about. 375 00:18:03,165 --> 00:18:05,292 [man in the audience laughing hysterically] 376 00:18:06,085 --> 00:18:08,170 Right, the scumbag, and he's always like… 377 00:18:08,253 --> 00:18:09,630 [moans] 378 00:18:09,713 --> 00:18:11,548 [laughter] 379 00:18:11,632 --> 00:18:14,718 [in deep voice] "What are you gonna do for us today, sweetie?" 380 00:18:17,346 --> 00:18:19,389 [in high voice] Then she'll be like, 381 00:18:19,473 --> 00:18:25,270 "I'm gonna do my first blow-bang triple anal." 382 00:18:25,354 --> 00:18:27,648 [laughing hysterically] 383 00:18:30,025 --> 00:18:35,114 [laughing turns into crying] 384 00:18:39,827 --> 00:18:41,912 "Sounds hot." [moans] 385 00:18:43,497 --> 00:18:44,915 Oh my God. 386 00:18:45,415 --> 00:18:47,876 And like, here's the deal, man. Here's the deal. 387 00:18:48,752 --> 00:18:49,586 Oh God. 388 00:18:49,670 --> 00:18:50,546 [inhaling deeply] 389 00:18:51,797 --> 00:18:54,466 Here's the deal, is that I, um, I used to, 390 00:18:55,759 --> 00:18:58,220 I used to be able to laugh at that girl, you know, 391 00:18:58,303 --> 00:19:01,265 and now I'm a fucking middle-aged mom 392 00:19:01,348 --> 00:19:04,518 and I have all these feelings like empathy and stuff… 393 00:19:05,018 --> 00:19:06,979 [laughter] 394 00:19:07,062 --> 00:19:09,606 …because you start to realize, like, 395 00:19:09,690 --> 00:19:12,109 how life is just a lot of luck 396 00:19:12,192 --> 00:19:13,861 and then a series of choices, 397 00:19:13,944 --> 00:19:16,905 and like, I could have been that girl. 398 00:19:17,781 --> 00:19:20,325 I should have been that porno girl. 399 00:19:20,409 --> 00:19:22,661 [laughter] 400 00:19:22,744 --> 00:19:24,288 You know, with my childhood, 401 00:19:24,371 --> 00:19:27,541 I should've been that girl, and really, in the scheme of things, 402 00:19:27,624 --> 00:19:31,170 stand-up comedy, not that bright of a choice of life, right? 403 00:19:31,253 --> 00:19:34,923 Like, it goes, fucking, porno actress, stand-up comedian. Not smart. But… 404 00:19:37,926 --> 00:19:40,470 So I became a mom and uh… 405 00:19:42,306 --> 00:19:44,183 How do I put this? I… I just want to, 406 00:19:44,266 --> 00:19:46,518 I want to do better than what was given to me. 407 00:19:46,602 --> 00:19:49,563 You know what I mean? I don't blame my parents for anything. 408 00:19:49,646 --> 00:19:50,939 Do I? Yeah, I do. 409 00:19:51,023 --> 00:19:52,941 -But the thing is-- -[laughter] 410 00:19:53,025 --> 00:19:56,028 Well, you know, I just… I just want to be a better parent 411 00:19:56,111 --> 00:19:58,864 than what I had and, um-- Yeah. 412 00:19:58,947 --> 00:20:00,574 Oh, thanks. One person. 413 00:20:00,657 --> 00:20:01,742 [applause] 414 00:20:01,825 --> 00:20:03,744 Okay, okay, you're on board, yeah. 415 00:20:04,828 --> 00:20:06,205 Um… 416 00:20:06,288 --> 00:20:08,415 Or as my therapist calls it… 417 00:20:08,498 --> 00:20:11,501 [mocking] …"I am breaking the cycle of--" [chuckles] 418 00:20:13,170 --> 00:20:16,298 "I'm breaking the cycle of generational trauma." 419 00:20:17,674 --> 00:20:22,137 I am breaking the cycle of generational trauma, 420 00:20:22,638 --> 00:20:24,181 and it's a lot of work, okay? 421 00:20:24,264 --> 00:20:28,352 So here's what I've done so far. It's like a decade in therapy, 422 00:20:28,435 --> 00:20:29,728 and then every day, 423 00:20:29,811 --> 00:20:32,564 I wake up, I practice my gratitude, 424 00:20:32,648 --> 00:20:34,399 and then I drink my coffee. 425 00:20:34,483 --> 00:20:35,692 I take a shit. 426 00:20:35,776 --> 00:20:37,444 [laughter] 427 00:20:37,527 --> 00:20:38,820 I exercise, 428 00:20:38,904 --> 00:20:42,616 uh, because the endorphins from exercise help fight depression, 429 00:20:42,699 --> 00:20:46,828 and then I adhere to a low-carbohydrate, high-protein diet. 430 00:20:46,912 --> 00:20:48,622 I meditate twice a day. 431 00:20:48,705 --> 00:20:51,416 I feel all my dumb feelings… 432 00:20:54,711 --> 00:20:57,714 and I am still so fucked up, like I'm-- 433 00:20:57,798 --> 00:20:59,466 [laughing hysterically] 434 00:20:59,549 --> 00:21:01,260 I'm so fucking crazy. 435 00:21:01,343 --> 00:21:03,762 [cheers, applause] 436 00:21:03,845 --> 00:21:04,763 Thank you. 437 00:21:06,223 --> 00:21:08,350 -Whoo! -[cheers continue] 438 00:21:11,478 --> 00:21:13,480 But-- [laughing hysterically] 439 00:21:13,563 --> 00:21:16,566 But I'm trying, and I'm in the game, 440 00:21:16,650 --> 00:21:18,610 and I'm gonna do it, man. 441 00:21:18,694 --> 00:21:21,029 I'm gonna do it. Yeah. 442 00:21:21,113 --> 00:21:23,115 [applause] 443 00:21:24,324 --> 00:21:26,326 Yeah, 'cause my childhood was wacky. 444 00:21:26,410 --> 00:21:29,037 Like, put it this way, like, growing up, 445 00:21:29,955 --> 00:21:33,125 I couldn't understand… I couldn't understand those people 446 00:21:33,208 --> 00:21:35,377 who lived at home in their twenties. 447 00:21:35,460 --> 00:21:38,171 You know, like, dude, I wanted out at six, bro. 448 00:21:38,255 --> 00:21:39,923 -I was like-- -[laughter] 449 00:21:40,007 --> 00:21:43,010 "Where's my letter to Hogwarts? Get me the fuck out of this." 450 00:21:43,093 --> 00:21:43,927 [laughter] 451 00:21:44,011 --> 00:21:45,929 You know, I would have rather lived 452 00:21:46,013 --> 00:21:48,223 with those bitches from The Facts of Life 453 00:21:49,891 --> 00:21:53,061 and get scissored by that lesbo, Jo, remember Jo? 454 00:21:53,937 --> 00:21:57,316 -You guys know Jo was a lesbo, right? -[man in the audience] Yeah. 455 00:21:57,399 --> 00:21:59,776 Yeah, 'cause she had a ponytail. 456 00:22:02,529 --> 00:22:04,823 And she was a mechanic. 457 00:22:04,906 --> 00:22:06,491 [laughter] 458 00:22:06,575 --> 00:22:11,830 -A pussy mechanic, am I right? Yeah! -[cheers] 459 00:22:14,708 --> 00:22:17,085 No, I hated my mom. I hated her so much. 460 00:22:17,169 --> 00:22:20,172 She was… oh, just the worst. 461 00:22:20,255 --> 00:22:23,884 Borderline and schizophrenic, which wouldn't have been so bad, 462 00:22:23,967 --> 00:22:25,260 but she was mean. 463 00:22:25,344 --> 00:22:29,056 I mean, even bin Laden would be like, "Oh, this bitch is evil. This--" 464 00:22:29,139 --> 00:22:30,682 [laughter] 465 00:22:30,766 --> 00:22:34,644 I'll give you an example, when I was five, I was singing in the kitchen, 466 00:22:34,728 --> 00:22:37,189 and she goes, "Oh, Christica, 467 00:22:38,774 --> 00:22:40,275 you should never sing." 468 00:22:40,776 --> 00:22:41,818 [laughter] 469 00:22:41,902 --> 00:22:43,737 I know, and people today are like, 470 00:22:43,820 --> 00:22:48,241 "Christina, is it hard being a woman in comedy?" 471 00:22:48,867 --> 00:22:51,703 "I'm like, no, dude. I was raised by Simon Cowell." 472 00:22:51,787 --> 00:22:53,789 [laughter] 473 00:22:56,833 --> 00:22:58,210 "Shit don't phase me, bro." 474 00:23:00,170 --> 00:23:02,798 When I was 12, when I was 12-years-old, 475 00:23:02,881 --> 00:23:05,842 she stole my identity and bought fur coats. 476 00:23:07,427 --> 00:23:09,054 Fur coats! 477 00:23:09,137 --> 00:23:10,680 I'm from Los Angeles, 478 00:23:10,764 --> 00:23:14,059 it is 85 degrees Christmas day. 479 00:23:16,103 --> 00:23:18,855 Forget it. Here's the thing, I've forgiven her, 480 00:23:18,939 --> 00:23:22,192 and lately, we've been getting along so well. 481 00:23:22,275 --> 00:23:24,694 In 2015, she died. 482 00:23:24,778 --> 00:23:26,363 [laughter] 483 00:23:26,446 --> 00:23:27,531 Thank you. 484 00:23:27,614 --> 00:23:29,699 [applause, cheers] 485 00:23:31,451 --> 00:23:32,285 Yeah. 486 00:23:33,495 --> 00:23:36,206 And now I wear fur coats to get Froyo. 487 00:23:36,289 --> 00:23:37,249 It's a win-win. 488 00:23:37,332 --> 00:23:38,917 [cheers] 489 00:23:39,751 --> 00:23:40,919 God, she was so angry. 490 00:23:41,002 --> 00:23:43,588 Ever know somebody that could get angry at anything? 491 00:23:43,672 --> 00:23:47,342 Yes, like a retail worker would be like, "Have a nice day." 492 00:23:47,426 --> 00:23:49,219 "You have a nice fucking day!" 493 00:23:49,302 --> 00:23:50,637 [laughter] 494 00:23:50,720 --> 00:23:52,514 [singing "Entry of the Gladiators"] 495 00:23:56,184 --> 00:23:58,562 'Cause her first language was Hungarian, 496 00:23:58,645 --> 00:24:01,189 she couldn't pronounce certain words in English, 497 00:24:01,690 --> 00:24:04,776 and um, you ever hate somebody so much, 498 00:24:05,277 --> 00:24:08,071 you don't correct their English for like 40 years? 499 00:24:09,865 --> 00:24:13,118 Dude, I would let her say things wrong all the time. 500 00:24:13,618 --> 00:24:16,746 She couldn't say the word "aluminum foil." 501 00:24:17,831 --> 00:24:20,208 She would call it "alufolia." 502 00:24:20,292 --> 00:24:22,294 [laughter] 503 00:24:22,377 --> 00:24:25,422 I'd say, "Yeah, pass me the 'alufolia.' Wrap that shit." 504 00:24:25,922 --> 00:24:28,675 "Wrap that chicken in 'alufolia,' bitch. Come on, let's go." 505 00:24:30,844 --> 00:24:35,640 If it was cold outside, she would say, "It's very crispy outside." 506 00:24:35,724 --> 00:24:37,726 [laughter] 507 00:24:38,477 --> 00:24:42,147 I'd be like, "Yeah, crispy, crunchy, like a potato chip. You got this." 508 00:24:42,731 --> 00:24:45,358 "Go say that at your job interview. Go ahead, bitch." 509 00:24:46,943 --> 00:24:49,154 Fucking hated her. Then every now and then, 510 00:24:49,237 --> 00:24:51,490 she'd get frustrated with me and kick me out, 511 00:24:51,573 --> 00:24:55,744 and then I'd go live with my dad, and my dad was a party. 512 00:24:56,286 --> 00:24:59,122 -[woman] Yeah! -You guys, he is 75-years-old 513 00:24:59,206 --> 00:25:01,416 and still slanging that dick. 514 00:25:01,917 --> 00:25:03,001 [cheers] 515 00:25:03,084 --> 00:25:04,085 Yeah. 516 00:25:05,587 --> 00:25:07,297 Recently, I asked him, I was like, 517 00:25:07,380 --> 00:25:10,175 "Dad, how many women do you think you've been with?" 518 00:25:10,675 --> 00:25:13,011 He goes, "Not enough." 519 00:25:13,512 --> 00:25:15,388 [cheers, laughter] 520 00:25:16,556 --> 00:25:17,599 [laughing] 521 00:25:17,682 --> 00:25:19,768 Now, there's a cool guy. 522 00:25:19,851 --> 00:25:21,686 [imitating guitar] 523 00:25:21,770 --> 00:25:24,314 The coolest. 524 00:25:24,397 --> 00:25:27,108 [audience applauding] 525 00:25:27,192 --> 00:25:28,109 Yeah, dog. 526 00:25:28,818 --> 00:25:34,032 In 1985, more women saw my dad's dick than Ghostbusters. 527 00:25:34,115 --> 00:25:36,201 [laughter] 528 00:25:38,161 --> 00:25:42,123 And I loved living with him because on a school night, I was eight-years-old, 529 00:25:42,207 --> 00:25:45,293 and he would take me out to bars and nightclubs. 530 00:25:45,794 --> 00:25:46,836 Oh, and I loved it. 531 00:25:46,920 --> 00:25:48,964 I loved dancing. I just loved it. 532 00:25:49,047 --> 00:25:50,715 But I was so young. 533 00:25:50,799 --> 00:25:54,094 I thought the song "White Lines" was about coloring. 534 00:25:54,177 --> 00:25:56,179 [laughter] 535 00:25:59,808 --> 00:26:01,810 But my favorite song to dance to 536 00:26:01,893 --> 00:26:05,063 in the whole world was Frankie Goes to Hollywood. 537 00:26:05,146 --> 00:26:09,025 -[audience cheering] -Relax. Do you guys remember that? 538 00:26:09,109 --> 00:26:11,361 ♪ Relax, don't do it ♪ 539 00:26:11,444 --> 00:26:12,779 ♪ When you want… ♪ Yeah. 540 00:26:12,862 --> 00:26:14,823 Do you know what that song is about? 541 00:26:16,324 --> 00:26:19,411 It's about gay guys doing it… 542 00:26:19,494 --> 00:26:21,371 [laughter] 543 00:26:21,454 --> 00:26:25,542 …and trying not to finish too soon. Now-- 544 00:26:26,042 --> 00:26:28,837 Meanwhile, my eight-year-old ass is like, 545 00:26:28,920 --> 00:26:30,547 ♪ When you wanna come… ♪ 546 00:26:30,630 --> 00:26:33,091 [audience laughing] 547 00:26:33,174 --> 00:26:37,345 [moaning] ♪ Come! ♪ 548 00:26:37,429 --> 00:26:38,555 ♪ Yeah! ♪ 549 00:26:38,638 --> 00:26:42,767 ♪ Whoa… ♪ 550 00:26:43,268 --> 00:26:45,312 [vocalizing] 551 00:26:45,395 --> 00:26:46,646 [laughing hysterically] 552 00:26:48,440 --> 00:26:51,109 [chuckles] Um, so, a while ago, 553 00:26:51,735 --> 00:26:52,819 my husband was like, 554 00:26:52,902 --> 00:26:56,698 "Babe, babe, I think your dad might be an alcoholic." 555 00:26:56,781 --> 00:26:58,158 [laughter] 556 00:26:58,241 --> 00:27:00,869 I was like, "That makes so much sense." 557 00:27:01,911 --> 00:27:04,456 When you grow up around weird, you don't know it's weird. 558 00:27:04,539 --> 00:27:09,544 You think that everybody's dad takes them to bars and nightclubs on a school night 559 00:27:09,628 --> 00:27:13,757 at eight-years-old and lets them dance to a hardcore gay sex anthems. 560 00:27:13,840 --> 00:27:15,467 [laughter] 561 00:27:18,511 --> 00:27:23,350 Uh, but I'm super stoked you guys because recently, he got remarried. 562 00:27:23,850 --> 00:27:25,769 -[cheers] -Yes. 563 00:27:25,852 --> 00:27:28,396 Yes, for the fifth time. 564 00:27:28,480 --> 00:27:31,524 [applause, cheers] 565 00:27:31,608 --> 00:27:35,403 He's 75-years-old and he married a 34-year-old… 566 00:27:35,487 --> 00:27:39,240 [audience cheering] 567 00:27:39,324 --> 00:27:41,701 …Vietnamese lady… 568 00:27:41,785 --> 00:27:43,119 [cheers] 569 00:27:43,745 --> 00:27:45,246 …he met online. 570 00:27:45,330 --> 00:27:46,790 [chuckling] Yeah. 571 00:27:46,873 --> 00:27:50,001 [audience applauding, cheering] 572 00:27:50,085 --> 00:27:53,630 I don't know… I don't know if that's a marriage or an adoption… 573 00:27:53,713 --> 00:27:55,256 [laughter] 574 00:27:57,425 --> 00:28:00,762 but that bitch came with a receipt, you know that. 575 00:28:01,554 --> 00:28:04,224 Could you imagine? I don't know what's going on. 576 00:28:04,307 --> 00:28:09,771 I mean, maybe she wants the Green Card, and he wants free mani-pedis. 577 00:28:09,854 --> 00:28:10,730 I don't know. 578 00:28:10,814 --> 00:28:15,610 Oh, shut the fuck up, she's my Viet mom, I can say what I want. Shut up. 579 00:28:19,447 --> 00:28:21,741 But let me tell you, I'm so-- 580 00:28:21,825 --> 00:28:24,327 I'm so grateful to have this woman in my life 581 00:28:24,411 --> 00:28:26,830 because otherwise, I would have to listen to him. 582 00:28:28,373 --> 00:28:32,043 Oh God. Is there anything worse than a phone call from your toxic parent? 583 00:28:32,627 --> 00:28:35,547 Ugh! Ugh! They don't even ask you anything about you. 584 00:28:35,630 --> 00:28:36,756 No questions, nothing. 585 00:28:36,840 --> 00:28:38,425 All my dad wants to talk about 586 00:28:38,508 --> 00:28:41,386 is the achievements of the Hungarian people. 587 00:28:41,469 --> 00:28:43,596 [audience laughing] 588 00:28:43,680 --> 00:28:45,098 Oh my God, he's so slick. 589 00:28:45,181 --> 00:28:46,182 "Christica, 590 00:28:47,892 --> 00:28:50,270 you know who invented Rubik's Cube?" 591 00:28:50,353 --> 00:28:52,355 [laughter] 592 00:28:52,856 --> 00:28:54,023 "A Hungarian." 593 00:28:56,276 --> 00:28:58,695 "You know who invented the ballpoint pen?" 594 00:28:59,904 --> 00:29:01,156 "A Hungarian." 595 00:29:01,239 --> 00:29:03,366 I'm like, "Did a Hungarian invent suicide?" 596 00:29:03,450 --> 00:29:06,953 "I'm gonna blow my brains out. I can't. I can't." 597 00:29:07,036 --> 00:29:07,912 "I can't." 598 00:29:07,996 --> 00:29:09,330 [audience laughing] 599 00:29:11,624 --> 00:29:14,002 But then he drinks a little on the call, 600 00:29:15,628 --> 00:29:16,838 and then it gets better. 601 00:29:16,921 --> 00:29:18,882 [laughter] 602 00:29:19,382 --> 00:29:20,300 He'll be like, 603 00:29:20,800 --> 00:29:21,926 "Christica, 604 00:29:23,511 --> 00:29:26,973 every time you burp, 605 00:29:28,433 --> 00:29:30,435 you are cheating your asshole." 606 00:29:30,518 --> 00:29:33,271 [laughter] 607 00:29:35,940 --> 00:29:38,860 [audience continues laughing] 608 00:29:38,943 --> 00:29:39,861 What? 609 00:29:41,446 --> 00:29:43,698 [groans] Then I'm back in. I'm back in. 610 00:29:43,782 --> 00:29:45,283 [laughter] 611 00:29:47,368 --> 00:29:49,412 But then he drinks too much on the call. 612 00:29:51,039 --> 00:29:52,415 [mimicking deflation] 613 00:29:52,499 --> 00:29:56,836 Now, I have a theory that all dads know one historical fact 614 00:29:57,879 --> 00:30:00,340 that they like to repeat over and over. 615 00:30:00,840 --> 00:30:05,261 Now, my father escaped from Communist Hungary in 1969, 616 00:30:05,345 --> 00:30:07,889 so his fact is a little dark. 617 00:30:09,349 --> 00:30:10,183 Here it goes. 618 00:30:12,435 --> 00:30:13,686 "Christica… 619 00:30:15,730 --> 00:30:16,689 you know, 620 00:30:18,191 --> 00:30:23,404 everybody thinks Hitler killed the most people." 621 00:30:23,488 --> 00:30:24,531 [scoffs] 622 00:30:24,614 --> 00:30:25,782 "This is not true." 623 00:30:27,075 --> 00:30:29,160 "Stalin killed 624 00:30:29,994 --> 00:30:31,663 the most people, 625 00:30:31,746 --> 00:30:34,290 but everybody gives Hitler all the credit 626 00:30:34,374 --> 00:30:36,543 like he's some kind of special guy." 627 00:30:36,626 --> 00:30:38,628 [laughter] 628 00:30:38,711 --> 00:30:41,005 "He's no fucking special guy." 629 00:30:41,089 --> 00:30:42,841 [laughter] 630 00:30:42,924 --> 00:30:44,467 I'm like, "What?" 631 00:30:46,469 --> 00:30:48,888 "Are you jealous of Hitler? Is this--" 632 00:30:48,972 --> 00:30:50,139 [laughter] 633 00:30:50,223 --> 00:30:53,560 "You saying Hitler's the genocide champ? Is that what I'm hearing?" 634 00:30:53,643 --> 00:30:54,894 [laughter] 635 00:30:56,271 --> 00:30:57,105 So crazy. 636 00:30:57,188 --> 00:30:59,983 And then meanwhile, cut to me at a dinner party 637 00:31:00,066 --> 00:31:02,402 and somebody will bring up World War II… 638 00:31:02,485 --> 00:31:04,153 [laughter] 639 00:31:04,237 --> 00:31:06,698 …and I'll be like, "Actually Stalin killed… 640 00:31:06,781 --> 00:31:08,449 [laughter] 641 00:31:08,533 --> 00:31:09,909 …more people than Hitler." 642 00:31:10,660 --> 00:31:12,912 [applause, cheers] 643 00:31:12,996 --> 00:31:14,247 Yeah. 644 00:31:14,330 --> 00:31:17,792 "Why do you think Hitler's a special guy? He's not such a special fucking guy." 645 00:31:20,587 --> 00:31:22,797 [inhaling deeply] Ugh! 646 00:31:22,881 --> 00:31:25,216 It's such a drag 'cause I gotta listen to him. 647 00:31:25,300 --> 00:31:27,635 I gotta listen to him 'cause I'm an only child, 648 00:31:27,719 --> 00:31:29,178 and it's times like this 649 00:31:29,262 --> 00:31:33,391 I wish I had a 400-pound codependent sister. 650 00:31:33,474 --> 00:31:35,143 [laughter] 651 00:31:35,226 --> 00:31:37,270 You know, just 400 pounds, 652 00:31:39,063 --> 00:31:41,274 always watching the ID channel, 653 00:31:41,357 --> 00:31:44,360 convinced she's gonna get murdered and raped. 654 00:31:46,070 --> 00:31:48,281 I'm like, "Murdered, maybe." [chuckling] 655 00:31:48,364 --> 00:31:51,326 [audience laughing] 656 00:31:59,751 --> 00:32:02,503 Because, New York, I'm a good person. 657 00:32:04,797 --> 00:32:06,007 I'm not a great one. 658 00:32:06,090 --> 00:32:07,884 [cheers] 659 00:32:07,967 --> 00:32:11,387 I might fake pick up dog shit from time to time. 660 00:32:11,471 --> 00:32:12,931 [laughter] 661 00:32:13,014 --> 00:32:16,976 Every time my dog takes a shit, that's when the neighbor has to come out, 662 00:32:17,060 --> 00:32:19,562 and I always forget bags, and I gotta do theater. 663 00:32:19,646 --> 00:32:21,230 [mocking] "Hold on, I got it 664 00:32:22,649 --> 00:32:25,068 somewhere, I don't know." 665 00:32:25,151 --> 00:32:27,153 [laughter] 666 00:32:28,655 --> 00:32:31,658 The minute she walks away, "Fuck your lawn, bitch." 667 00:32:31,741 --> 00:32:34,118 [audience applauding] 668 00:32:34,786 --> 00:32:37,622 You got a gardener, you got that. 669 00:32:39,540 --> 00:32:41,125 [audience cheering] 670 00:32:41,209 --> 00:32:43,544 Good person, not a great one. 671 00:32:45,713 --> 00:32:49,342 I refuse to give people my age 672 00:32:49,425 --> 00:32:50,885 rides to the airport. 673 00:32:53,012 --> 00:32:56,099 Oh my God. Listen, if you're in your mid-forties 674 00:32:56,182 --> 00:32:57,850 and you can't get yourself 675 00:32:59,268 --> 00:33:04,399 to the airport, bro, that means you don't have like $50. 676 00:33:04,482 --> 00:33:06,234 [laughter] 677 00:33:06,317 --> 00:33:08,736 You don't have $50. 678 00:33:09,779 --> 00:33:12,281 You should stay home and work on that resume, okay? 679 00:33:12,365 --> 00:33:14,325 [laughter] 680 00:33:14,826 --> 00:33:17,370 Good person, not a great one. 681 00:33:17,453 --> 00:33:18,746 [audience applauding] 682 00:33:19,789 --> 00:33:21,124 I never 683 00:33:21,624 --> 00:33:25,169 want to hear about the triathlon you're preparing for. 684 00:33:25,253 --> 00:33:26,421 [laughter] 685 00:33:27,046 --> 00:33:29,549 Oh my God, is there anything worse than that? 686 00:33:29,632 --> 00:33:31,843 The person has to tell you, "No, Christina." 687 00:33:31,926 --> 00:33:34,387 [mocking] "First I swim two kilometers, 688 00:33:34,470 --> 00:33:36,472 and then I bike 90 kilometers, 689 00:33:36,556 --> 00:33:38,891 and then I run 20 kilometers." 690 00:33:38,975 --> 00:33:40,852 And I'm like, "What the fuck?" 691 00:33:40,935 --> 00:33:43,312 [audience applauding, cheering] 692 00:33:43,396 --> 00:33:45,106 "What the fuck?" 693 00:33:49,527 --> 00:33:51,320 "What the fuck 694 00:33:52,280 --> 00:33:53,740 is a kilometer, dude?" 695 00:33:53,823 --> 00:33:56,200 "I don't do math." 696 00:33:58,995 --> 00:34:00,747 Good person, not a great one. 697 00:34:02,415 --> 00:34:03,583 Not a great one. 698 00:34:03,666 --> 00:34:06,169 -[audience applauding, cheering] -Not perfect. 699 00:34:09,464 --> 00:34:10,715 [sighs] 700 00:34:10,798 --> 00:34:13,926 Just trying to break the cycle of generational trauma. 701 00:34:14,010 --> 00:34:15,720 [laughter] 702 00:34:15,803 --> 00:34:18,389 So when I became a mother, I didn't know what to do. 703 00:34:18,473 --> 00:34:20,099 Nobody has a blueprint for that. 704 00:34:20,933 --> 00:34:23,478 Yeah, so I did what everybody should do 705 00:34:23,561 --> 00:34:26,314 and I looked to social media. 706 00:34:26,397 --> 00:34:27,648 [cheers] 707 00:34:27,732 --> 00:34:29,942 Oh my God, everybody lies on social media, 708 00:34:30,026 --> 00:34:32,779 but moms, those bitches lie the most. 709 00:34:34,363 --> 00:34:36,491 Right? What do the moms always say? 710 00:34:36,574 --> 00:34:41,204 "Being a mom, it's the best job in the world." 711 00:34:42,246 --> 00:34:44,749 And look, I love my children 712 00:34:45,249 --> 00:34:46,501 more than life, 713 00:34:47,001 --> 00:34:50,546 but the job of being a mom, 714 00:34:50,630 --> 00:34:53,049 it is not the best. 715 00:34:53,716 --> 00:34:58,471 In fact, I would argue having no job is the best job. 716 00:34:58,554 --> 00:35:01,265 [applause, cheers] 717 00:35:03,434 --> 00:35:06,104 Or Instagram model, that's a job. 718 00:35:06,187 --> 00:35:07,396 [audience cheering] 719 00:35:07,480 --> 00:35:09,482 You guys, there is a man on Instagram 720 00:35:09,565 --> 00:35:11,818 who makes millions of dollars 721 00:35:11,901 --> 00:35:15,113 as an adult baby diaper wearer. 722 00:35:16,739 --> 00:35:18,449 Let me rephrase that. 723 00:35:19,867 --> 00:35:22,620 I follow a guy on Instagram. 724 00:35:22,703 --> 00:35:24,664 [laughter] 725 00:35:24,747 --> 00:35:26,290 He's so great. 726 00:35:26,374 --> 00:35:29,252 He's so fat and sweaty, 727 00:35:29,335 --> 00:35:31,629 and his chest looks like a pork chop, 728 00:35:31,712 --> 00:35:35,800 like a raw pork chop, that's been dropped on a barber shop floor. 729 00:35:37,009 --> 00:35:40,721 -[man in the audience] Oh my God! -I love it. He does the best poses, dude. 730 00:35:40,805 --> 00:35:43,558 It's always him like against a brick wall. 731 00:35:45,059 --> 00:35:47,520 He does these coquettish little poses. 732 00:35:47,603 --> 00:35:48,437 He'll be like, 733 00:35:48,521 --> 00:35:49,689 "No." 734 00:35:49,772 --> 00:35:51,065 [laughter] 735 00:35:53,526 --> 00:35:55,444 Love it. I love him. 736 00:35:55,945 --> 00:35:57,113 I love him. 737 00:35:57,196 --> 00:35:58,948 Do you think, growing up as a kid, 738 00:35:59,031 --> 00:36:01,617 every time he cried, his dad was like, 739 00:36:01,701 --> 00:36:03,161 "Don't be a baby." 740 00:36:03,244 --> 00:36:06,873 [laughter] 741 00:36:06,956 --> 00:36:09,417 "Look who's crying now, Daddy." 742 00:36:09,500 --> 00:36:10,334 [laughter] 743 00:36:13,838 --> 00:36:16,048 Anyway, I was such an idiot when I became a mom. 744 00:36:16,132 --> 00:36:19,969 I believed all those sayings people throw around about children, 745 00:36:20,052 --> 00:36:23,306 you know like, "Kids say the darndest things." 746 00:36:24,765 --> 00:36:25,600 Not mine. 747 00:36:27,018 --> 00:36:29,353 Mine say the meanest shit all the time. 748 00:36:29,437 --> 00:36:31,314 [audience laughing] 749 00:36:31,397 --> 00:36:34,025 Last week Ellis called me a "dishbag." 750 00:36:34,108 --> 00:36:37,612 [laughter] 751 00:36:39,280 --> 00:36:42,033 I was like, "Uh, no, it's douchebag." 752 00:36:42,116 --> 00:36:44,619 "Open your mouth when you speak, son." 753 00:36:44,702 --> 00:36:45,745 [laughter] 754 00:36:45,828 --> 00:36:47,205 "Show some respect." 755 00:36:47,288 --> 00:36:48,915 [applause] 756 00:36:49,999 --> 00:36:51,792 Yeah. Yeah. 757 00:36:52,293 --> 00:36:53,127 Douche. 758 00:36:53,211 --> 00:36:56,464 [audience applauding] 759 00:36:56,547 --> 00:36:59,634 Then my little one, I was changing the three-year-old's diaper 760 00:36:59,717 --> 00:37:01,552 and he had a big old doody in there, 761 00:37:02,595 --> 00:37:03,512 and he goes, 762 00:37:03,596 --> 00:37:05,806 "Do you see your family in there?" 763 00:37:05,890 --> 00:37:09,227 [laughter] 764 00:37:11,229 --> 00:37:14,148 [audience continues laughing] 765 00:37:14,232 --> 00:37:15,733 I go, "Yeah, my mom." 766 00:37:15,816 --> 00:37:17,151 [laughter] 767 00:37:19,987 --> 00:37:22,031 Uh! They're so abusive. 768 00:37:22,114 --> 00:37:25,952 They're like abusive husbands with the questions all the time. 769 00:37:26,035 --> 00:37:29,288 "Where are you going? What are you doing? What's Lexapro?" 770 00:37:29,372 --> 00:37:30,873 [laughter] 771 00:37:34,293 --> 00:37:35,878 Oh my God. 772 00:37:35,962 --> 00:37:37,797 They walked in on me naked, 773 00:37:37,880 --> 00:37:39,799 just started laughing. 774 00:37:39,882 --> 00:37:42,218 [laughter] 775 00:37:43,386 --> 00:37:45,471 The little one pointed. That's fucked up. 776 00:37:45,554 --> 00:37:47,056 [laughter] 777 00:37:47,139 --> 00:37:49,475 I taught him that one. I taught him that one. 778 00:37:49,976 --> 00:37:51,269 Oh my God. 779 00:37:51,352 --> 00:37:54,063 They've destroyed my house, okay? 780 00:37:54,146 --> 00:37:56,190 So far, I've replaced two toilets 781 00:37:56,274 --> 00:37:58,192 'cause they flush cars down those. 782 00:37:59,318 --> 00:38:05,574 I walked in on the six-year-old coloring in the grouting in between tiles 783 00:38:06,534 --> 00:38:08,828 in permanent marker. 784 00:38:09,954 --> 00:38:13,040 And there's piss everywhere. 785 00:38:14,083 --> 00:38:17,712 Everywhere. I walk in on them peeing like they're being arrested, just-- 786 00:38:17,795 --> 00:38:21,716 [laughter] 787 00:38:26,387 --> 00:38:29,265 Oh! I'm like a piss sommelier now, you know? 788 00:38:29,765 --> 00:38:31,517 I walk through the house, I'm like, 789 00:38:31,600 --> 00:38:35,021 Oh, yeah. [sniffs] "That's three-year-old boy, very good." 790 00:38:35,104 --> 00:38:36,856 [sniffs] "That's six-year-old." 791 00:38:36,939 --> 00:38:40,609 [sniffs] "Oh, forty-two-year-old male comic, that's an interesting one." 792 00:38:40,693 --> 00:38:41,777 [laughter] 793 00:38:41,861 --> 00:38:44,363 -[applause] -Oh! 794 00:38:47,158 --> 00:38:47,992 Ah. 795 00:38:48,492 --> 00:38:52,204 And let me tell you something if you don't have kids yet, okay? 796 00:38:52,288 --> 00:38:53,372 Marriage, 797 00:38:53,873 --> 00:38:56,667 I used to believe that marriage was 50/50. 798 00:38:58,627 --> 00:39:00,338 And then you have kids. 799 00:39:00,421 --> 00:39:03,466 That shit ain't 50/50, okay? Fuck what you heard. 800 00:39:03,549 --> 00:39:05,843 It is the Mom Show, all day, every day. 801 00:39:05,926 --> 00:39:06,761 Fucking, Mommy. 802 00:39:06,844 --> 00:39:09,930 Mommy. Mommy. Mommy. Mommy. Mommy. 803 00:39:10,014 --> 00:39:12,725 Mom. Mom. Mom. Mom. 804 00:39:13,225 --> 00:39:14,477 I know. 805 00:39:14,560 --> 00:39:17,104 I'm like, "I'm gonna change my name to Daddy." 806 00:39:18,105 --> 00:39:20,816 'Cause nobody expects shit from that guy. 807 00:39:20,900 --> 00:39:22,318 [cheers] 808 00:39:22,401 --> 00:39:25,446 Daddy gets to take a dump by himself. 809 00:39:25,946 --> 00:39:27,615 Me, when I go to the bathroom, 810 00:39:27,698 --> 00:39:30,910 I got a six-year-old playing Legos on the ground, 811 00:39:31,410 --> 00:39:34,288 a dog making intense eye contact. 812 00:39:34,372 --> 00:39:36,374 [laughter] 813 00:39:44,340 --> 00:39:46,175 Why do they wink at you, like-- 814 00:39:46,258 --> 00:39:49,136 [laughter] 815 00:39:49,220 --> 00:39:50,638 "What's the secret, girl?" 816 00:39:51,722 --> 00:39:53,599 ♪ I watch you poop You watch me poop ♪ 817 00:39:53,682 --> 00:39:55,684 -♪ I watch you poop ♪ -[laughter] 818 00:39:57,812 --> 00:40:01,774 Ugh. Every time I go to the bathroom, I got the six-year-old playing Legos, 819 00:40:01,857 --> 00:40:06,237 the dog making eye contact, and a baby sitting on my lap. 820 00:40:07,530 --> 00:40:10,491 Bonus points if you breastfeed at the same time. 821 00:40:10,574 --> 00:40:12,243 [cheers] 822 00:40:12,326 --> 00:40:15,204 That's called "The Milwaukee Milkshake." You're welcome. 823 00:40:16,122 --> 00:40:20,793 [audience laughing, applauding] 824 00:40:20,876 --> 00:40:26,215 Oh, gosh, so, okay, so I broke my ankle in June… 825 00:40:28,217 --> 00:40:30,719 and some people think it was my husband's fault. 826 00:40:30,803 --> 00:40:32,888 [laughter] 827 00:40:32,972 --> 00:40:35,474 And in some ways, it was. 828 00:40:35,558 --> 00:40:36,517 [laughter] 829 00:40:36,600 --> 00:40:39,228 Alright, I'll tell you the story. Here's what happened. 830 00:40:39,311 --> 00:40:43,232 So, it's in the middle of the night. I'd just come home off the road. 831 00:40:43,315 --> 00:40:46,193 I was exhausted. I had the baby monitor next to me. 832 00:40:46,277 --> 00:40:48,446 The babies used to sleep on the first floor, 833 00:40:48,529 --> 00:40:50,698 we used to sleep on the second. Not anymore. 834 00:40:50,781 --> 00:40:53,993 But anyway, so the baby screams in the monitor, 835 00:40:54,493 --> 00:40:55,911 and if you're a mother, 836 00:40:55,995 --> 00:40:59,331 you know that when your baby cries, you could be in a dead sleep 837 00:41:00,458 --> 00:41:01,834 and you will feel that, 838 00:41:02,334 --> 00:41:06,714 you'll feel the baby cry in every cell of your being, right? 839 00:41:06,797 --> 00:41:08,048 It's like Uma Thurman 840 00:41:09,675 --> 00:41:11,010 in Pulp Fiction. 841 00:41:11,552 --> 00:41:14,555 [wailing] The baby! The baby! 842 00:41:14,638 --> 00:41:15,473 Okay. 843 00:41:15,556 --> 00:41:17,308 [laughter] 844 00:41:18,058 --> 00:41:19,393 That's my reaction. 845 00:41:20,436 --> 00:41:21,812 My husband… 846 00:41:21,896 --> 00:41:25,691 [snoring] 847 00:41:28,486 --> 00:41:31,113 Now, my husband claims 848 00:41:31,614 --> 00:41:33,115 he can't hear… 849 00:41:35,910 --> 00:41:37,953 babies crying in the night. 850 00:41:38,454 --> 00:41:41,832 Can't seem to hear babies crying in the night. 851 00:41:41,916 --> 00:41:44,752 Meanwhile, 20 houses down, 852 00:41:44,835 --> 00:41:47,630 the Monday Night Football theme can be playing… 853 00:41:48,714 --> 00:41:50,174 [vocalizing] 854 00:41:50,257 --> 00:41:53,219 …and his dad boner can't get harder… 855 00:41:53,302 --> 00:41:54,553 [audience laughing] 856 00:41:54,637 --> 00:41:55,554 …or higher. 857 00:41:55,638 --> 00:41:57,181 [applause] 858 00:41:57,932 --> 00:41:58,974 [cheers] 859 00:41:59,475 --> 00:42:02,061 So anyway, I fell down the stairs 860 00:42:02,937 --> 00:42:04,647 getting to my baby in a hurry, 861 00:42:04,730 --> 00:42:08,317 and that's how I broke my ankle, and see, that's a mother's love. 862 00:42:08,400 --> 00:42:10,444 That's a fucking mother's love. 863 00:42:12,154 --> 00:42:15,616 Nobody tells you this, but being a mom is an emotional roller coaster. 864 00:42:15,699 --> 00:42:18,536 Like, I go from joy, to rage, 865 00:42:18,619 --> 00:42:21,080 to exhaustion, to exhilaration, 866 00:42:21,163 --> 00:42:23,499 every six seconds, every day. 867 00:42:23,582 --> 00:42:24,542 [laughter] 868 00:42:24,625 --> 00:42:27,878 And just when I'm ready to throw that baby in the river… 869 00:42:27,962 --> 00:42:29,672 [laughter] 870 00:42:33,008 --> 00:42:34,301 …he smiles at me. 871 00:42:34,802 --> 00:42:39,598 [sighs] Yeah, yeah, they smile at you with those little jack-o'-lantern teeth… 872 00:42:39,682 --> 00:42:41,809 [high-pitched dinging] 873 00:42:42,309 --> 00:42:45,604 …and you're filled with so much joy, you have crazy thoughts. 874 00:42:45,688 --> 00:42:46,897 You're like-- [groaning] 875 00:42:47,690 --> 00:42:49,233 "I want ten more!" 876 00:42:49,316 --> 00:42:50,943 [laughter] 877 00:42:51,026 --> 00:42:53,445 "Come on, Tommy. We're fucking tonight!" 878 00:42:53,529 --> 00:42:56,907 [laughter] 879 00:42:56,991 --> 00:42:59,660 -Yes. -[audience cheering] 880 00:42:59,743 --> 00:43:00,786 Yes. 881 00:43:00,869 --> 00:43:03,455 Until you watch TLC, The Learning Channel, 882 00:43:04,748 --> 00:43:07,126 and you see those Duggar assholes with their… 883 00:43:07,209 --> 00:43:08,419 [laughter] 884 00:43:08,502 --> 00:43:11,046 …twenty kids, you're like, "How are you having 20?" 885 00:43:11,130 --> 00:43:12,548 "How is this legal?" 886 00:43:13,424 --> 00:43:16,510 Animal Services won't let you have but six cats. 887 00:43:16,594 --> 00:43:18,012 [laughter] 888 00:43:20,806 --> 00:43:21,932 I love TLC. 889 00:43:22,016 --> 00:43:25,269 My favorite show is Little People, Big World. 890 00:43:25,352 --> 00:43:26,937 [cheers] 891 00:43:27,563 --> 00:43:31,150 Wouldn't it be great if they could merge Little People, Big World 892 00:43:31,650 --> 00:43:33,152 with tiny houses? 893 00:43:33,235 --> 00:43:37,740 [laughter] 894 00:43:38,324 --> 00:43:40,951 Little People, Appropriately Sized Houses. 895 00:43:41,035 --> 00:43:42,953 Come on, TLC, do better! 896 00:43:43,037 --> 00:43:44,038 [laughter] 897 00:43:50,002 --> 00:43:51,920 Everybody talks about a mother's love, 898 00:43:52,004 --> 00:43:54,340 but nobody talks about a mother's rage, 899 00:43:55,299 --> 00:43:57,718 and for me, that's bedtime. Oh! 900 00:43:57,801 --> 00:44:00,054 Yeah, bedtime. Oh my God. 901 00:44:00,137 --> 00:44:03,474 And the experts tell you to have a routine, right? 902 00:44:03,557 --> 00:44:06,644 Okay. Good. Boom. Noon, we're in pajamas. Let's go. 903 00:44:06,727 --> 00:44:08,896 [laughter] 904 00:44:08,979 --> 00:44:11,649 I do it all, right? I got blackout curtains, 905 00:44:11,732 --> 00:44:13,776 I got the sound machine, I got stories, 906 00:44:13,859 --> 00:44:15,027 and then what happens? 907 00:44:15,819 --> 00:44:16,987 [footsteps approaching] 908 00:44:18,197 --> 00:44:19,657 [in low voice] "I'm thirsty." 909 00:44:19,740 --> 00:44:20,783 [laughter] 910 00:44:21,617 --> 00:44:25,329 Dude, I don't know what it is about this generation's hydration needs. 911 00:44:25,829 --> 00:44:29,750 I swear my parents gave me water once a week, tops. 912 00:44:30,250 --> 00:44:33,045 We drank Fresca, I think. I dunno. I was dehydrated. 913 00:44:34,254 --> 00:44:37,591 -So that's pop up number one. Number two-- -[footsteps approaching] 914 00:44:37,675 --> 00:44:41,136 -[in low voice] "I gotta go poop." -[laughter] 915 00:44:41,220 --> 00:44:42,638 -[sighs] -And the third one… 916 00:44:42,721 --> 00:44:45,349 -[footsteps approaching] -"There's a monster under my bed." 917 00:44:45,432 --> 00:44:48,060 "Good, tell him I said hi. I dunno what to tell you." 918 00:44:48,143 --> 00:44:49,436 [laughter] 919 00:44:50,312 --> 00:44:51,271 One night, 920 00:44:51,772 --> 00:44:54,608 my older boy popped up eight times. 921 00:44:55,401 --> 00:44:57,152 Eight times. 922 00:44:57,236 --> 00:45:00,531 And the rage that welled up inside of me-- 923 00:45:01,031 --> 00:45:03,617 And you can't tell a six-year-old boy-- 924 00:45:03,701 --> 00:45:04,785 I can't be like, 925 00:45:06,036 --> 00:45:09,206 "Dude, bro, homie, 926 00:45:09,998 --> 00:45:12,126 fuck outta here, man, what are you doing?" 927 00:45:12,209 --> 00:45:13,460 [audience laughing] 928 00:45:13,544 --> 00:45:16,088 "Scram. Kick rocks. Listen, son, 929 00:45:17,423 --> 00:45:20,968 your dad and I have just an hour and a half free time every night, 930 00:45:21,051 --> 00:45:23,971 just an hour and a half to get high…" 931 00:45:24,471 --> 00:45:27,474 [cheers] 932 00:45:27,558 --> 00:45:29,476 …watch 90 Day Fiancé… 933 00:45:29,560 --> 00:45:31,854 [audience cheering] 934 00:45:32,479 --> 00:45:36,316 …hurry fuck, and fall asleep before we have to do this shit all over again." 935 00:45:36,859 --> 00:45:37,860 [laughter] 936 00:45:37,943 --> 00:45:42,698 "And, son, it is not good sex, it is sad married sex." 937 00:45:42,781 --> 00:45:43,866 [laughter] 938 00:45:43,949 --> 00:45:46,910 "We don't even face each other anymore." 939 00:45:48,287 --> 00:45:50,247 "I just kind of lay on my side, 940 00:45:51,623 --> 00:45:54,001 and then your dad walruses up behind me." 941 00:45:54,084 --> 00:45:56,295 -[audience laughing] -[grunting] 942 00:45:56,378 --> 00:46:02,968 [continues grunting] 943 00:46:03,051 --> 00:46:06,013 [audience laughing] 944 00:46:06,930 --> 00:46:10,184 -"I don't even get naked anymore, I just… -[laughter] 945 00:46:10,267 --> 00:46:12,269 …I pull my sweatpants down." 946 00:46:12,352 --> 00:46:14,855 [laughter] 947 00:46:14,938 --> 00:46:20,319 [cheers, applause] 948 00:46:24,448 --> 00:46:27,326 Just let it happen. Just let it happen. 949 00:46:29,536 --> 00:46:30,496 Goddamnit. 950 00:46:30,996 --> 00:46:33,499 [laughter] 951 00:46:33,999 --> 00:46:35,959 "I know there is no such thing 952 00:46:36,043 --> 00:46:39,004 -as nut-free granola bars. I know it." -[laughter] 953 00:46:39,087 --> 00:46:40,881 "That is bullshit." 954 00:46:46,220 --> 00:46:49,598 "When is the next season of Bridgerton coming out?" 955 00:46:49,681 --> 00:46:50,849 [laughter, cheers] 956 00:46:50,933 --> 00:46:52,976 "I mean, how long does this shit take?" 957 00:46:54,353 --> 00:46:55,896 [laughter] 958 00:46:55,979 --> 00:46:58,982 "Did I buy the organic turkey slices?" I really… 959 00:46:59,066 --> 00:47:00,275 [audience laughing] 960 00:47:01,944 --> 00:47:02,945 That's my life. 961 00:47:03,028 --> 00:47:04,822 [inhaling deeply] 962 00:47:05,447 --> 00:47:09,993 That's me, breaking the cycle of generational trauma. 963 00:47:11,245 --> 00:47:12,621 [applause, cheers] 964 00:47:12,704 --> 00:47:14,289 That's what it is. 965 00:47:14,373 --> 00:47:18,836 [audience applauding] 966 00:47:19,920 --> 00:47:23,924 That's what it is. I stay in the game. You just gotta stay in the game, right? 967 00:47:24,007 --> 00:47:25,342 That's all you're doing. 968 00:47:25,843 --> 00:47:28,929 And I work on my perfectionism. That's a huge problem with me. 969 00:47:29,012 --> 00:47:32,015 You know, 'cause I compare myself to those perfect moms. 970 00:47:32,099 --> 00:47:33,684 Oh. You know those bitches? 971 00:47:34,685 --> 00:47:36,103 Those perfect moms? 972 00:47:36,186 --> 00:47:38,897 Oh, they got four kids and somehow they're a size zero? 973 00:47:40,023 --> 00:47:42,818 What does she say? "Oh, I do intermittent fasting." 974 00:47:44,486 --> 00:47:47,447 "Yeah, so does half the world, it's called starvation, bitch." 975 00:47:47,531 --> 00:47:48,866 [laughter] 976 00:47:49,616 --> 00:47:54,037 The worst is when she's like, "My husband is my best friend." 977 00:47:55,539 --> 00:47:57,165 [laughter] 978 00:47:57,666 --> 00:48:01,253 Gross. These are the same people that mouth-kiss their moms and dads. 979 00:48:01,336 --> 00:48:02,421 I know it. 980 00:48:02,504 --> 00:48:03,922 [audience laughing] 981 00:48:05,257 --> 00:48:07,676 No, your husband is not your best friend. 982 00:48:07,759 --> 00:48:11,138 Your best friend is the person you talk shit about your husband to. 983 00:48:11,221 --> 00:48:13,181 [laughter, cheers] 984 00:48:14,099 --> 00:48:14,933 No. 985 00:48:15,434 --> 00:48:17,895 Well, anyway, I will say the one thing I did right 986 00:48:17,978 --> 00:48:20,480 is I've been married to the same dude for 17 years. 987 00:48:20,564 --> 00:48:22,149 [audience cheering] 988 00:48:22,232 --> 00:48:23,066 That's right. 989 00:48:23,150 --> 00:48:24,735 [applause] 990 00:48:24,818 --> 00:48:27,404 Seventeen years. 991 00:48:27,487 --> 00:48:29,907 [cheers] 992 00:48:31,325 --> 00:48:33,911 I married a psychopath. 993 00:48:34,411 --> 00:48:36,121 [audience laughing] 994 00:48:36,204 --> 00:48:38,498 Here's how you know you're with a psychopath. 995 00:48:38,582 --> 00:48:39,917 In the middle of winter, 996 00:48:40,000 --> 00:48:43,003 he sleeps with a fan blowing on him. 997 00:48:43,086 --> 00:48:44,463 [laughter] 998 00:48:44,546 --> 00:48:47,174 [angrily] "I'm hot! I'm hot!" 999 00:48:48,967 --> 00:48:50,677 "Yeah, because you're a psycho, 1000 00:48:50,761 --> 00:48:53,847 and psychos have a higher core body temperature 1001 00:48:54,848 --> 00:48:58,936 that allows them to stand outside naked in the freezing rain with a meat cleaver." 1002 00:48:59,019 --> 00:49:00,020 [laughter] 1003 00:49:02,439 --> 00:49:05,609 I told our adorable cleaning lady about it and she goes, 1004 00:49:05,692 --> 00:49:09,196 "Well, maybe it's because he's so hairy." 1005 00:49:09,696 --> 00:49:10,989 [laughter] 1006 00:49:11,073 --> 00:49:13,241 I'm like, "How do you know, bitch?" 1007 00:49:13,325 --> 00:49:15,535 [laughter] 1008 00:49:16,036 --> 00:49:18,038 Then I remembered she cleans our drains. 1009 00:49:18,121 --> 00:49:19,164 [laughter] 1010 00:49:19,247 --> 00:49:21,124 Poor woman, I know. I know. 1011 00:49:21,208 --> 00:49:24,127 Here's how you know you're with a psycho, okay? Okay? 1012 00:49:24,962 --> 00:49:26,630 Look at their Netflix queue. 1013 00:49:27,130 --> 00:49:28,632 [audience laughing] 1014 00:49:28,715 --> 00:49:32,970 Look at what Netflix is suggesting they watch next 1015 00:49:33,053 --> 00:49:35,764 'cause that's somebody's total interests. That's it. 1016 00:49:36,264 --> 00:49:40,060 Apparently, my husband only has two areas of interest, 1017 00:49:41,269 --> 00:49:43,772 it's either serial killers… 1018 00:49:43,855 --> 00:49:45,315 [cheers] 1019 00:49:45,399 --> 00:49:46,566 …or World War II. 1020 00:49:46,650 --> 00:49:48,652 [laughter] 1021 00:49:49,653 --> 00:49:53,740 And he likes to watch his shows as I'm drifting off to sleep at night, 1022 00:49:54,992 --> 00:49:56,535 so, I get to hear either, 1023 00:49:57,035 --> 00:50:01,331 "And the murderer only killed blond women, mothers of two." 1024 00:50:01,415 --> 00:50:05,544 [laughter] 1025 00:50:07,796 --> 00:50:08,672 Or-- 1026 00:50:09,172 --> 00:50:13,635 -[shouting in German] -[laughter] 1027 00:50:16,138 --> 00:50:19,224 Did you guys know that Stalin actually killed… 1028 00:50:19,307 --> 00:50:20,559 [laughter] 1029 00:50:20,642 --> 00:50:22,060 …more people than Hitler? 1030 00:50:22,144 --> 00:50:23,186 Did you know that? 1031 00:50:23,270 --> 00:50:27,482 [audience cheering, applauding] 1032 00:50:30,652 --> 00:50:32,904 What do they always say about psychos? 1033 00:50:32,988 --> 00:50:35,949 About psychopaths like that Brian Laundrie? Remember him? 1034 00:50:36,033 --> 00:50:40,787 What do they always say? They say, "Oh, he was just a regular guy." 1035 00:50:41,288 --> 00:50:44,166 "Just a regular guy." 1036 00:50:44,249 --> 00:50:47,794 Let me tell you something, my husband is regular as fuck. 1037 00:50:48,295 --> 00:50:50,714 [laughter] 1038 00:50:50,797 --> 00:50:53,133 Super regular, okay? 1039 00:50:53,216 --> 00:50:55,677 He doesn't know what a duvet cover is. 1040 00:50:57,012 --> 00:50:58,221 Or a pergola. 1041 00:50:58,305 --> 00:51:00,057 He thinks that doing a cleanse 1042 00:51:00,140 --> 00:51:03,060 is scrubbing his butthole extra in the shower. 1043 00:51:03,143 --> 00:51:05,604 [laughter] 1044 00:51:08,565 --> 00:51:12,360 Regular guys don't understand subtlety or hints, 1045 00:51:12,444 --> 00:51:15,572 so when they ask, "Babe, what do you want for your birthday?" 1046 00:51:15,655 --> 00:51:17,115 Don't go, "Oh, nothing." 1047 00:51:18,742 --> 00:51:20,827 'Cause that's what you gonna fucking get. 1048 00:51:20,911 --> 00:51:21,787 [laughter] 1049 00:51:21,870 --> 00:51:23,872 [audience applauding] 1050 00:51:25,082 --> 00:51:26,917 But here's the deal, man. I love it. 1051 00:51:27,000 --> 00:51:30,504 I love being married to regular guy. It's the best. 1052 00:51:30,587 --> 00:51:34,091 It's so fucking easy 'cause they only require three things to be happy. 1053 00:51:34,174 --> 00:51:36,551 Three things. Number one, sandwiches. 1054 00:51:36,635 --> 00:51:38,136 [laughter] 1055 00:51:38,220 --> 00:51:41,098 Sandwiches. Just feed him a sandwich every now and then. 1056 00:51:41,598 --> 00:51:43,600 Don't get fancy. No cucumbers. 1057 00:51:43,683 --> 00:51:45,227 No hummus. None of that shit. 1058 00:51:46,728 --> 00:51:50,148 Two pieces of bread and something that had a heartbeat in the middle. 1059 00:51:50,232 --> 00:51:51,817 That's it. That's all he needs. 1060 00:51:54,528 --> 00:51:56,780 Easy peasy, lemon squeezy. Number two, 1061 00:51:57,280 --> 00:51:58,323 sports. 1062 00:51:58,824 --> 00:52:00,242 They gotta like sports. 1063 00:52:01,243 --> 00:52:03,370 My husband likes football. Football. 1064 00:52:03,453 --> 00:52:05,163 The game is four hours long, 1065 00:52:05,664 --> 00:52:08,208 followed by the two hour after show 1066 00:52:08,708 --> 00:52:11,586 where the severely out of shape retired players… 1067 00:52:11,670 --> 00:52:14,798 -[laughter] -…sit around and talk about the game 1068 00:52:14,881 --> 00:52:16,800 we just all saw… 1069 00:52:16,883 --> 00:52:18,093 [audience laughing] 1070 00:52:18,176 --> 00:52:19,970 …because they have brain damage 1071 00:52:20,053 --> 00:52:23,306 and it takes five of their collective memories… 1072 00:52:23,390 --> 00:52:24,683 [laughter] 1073 00:52:24,766 --> 00:52:26,768 …to form one coherent memory. 1074 00:52:31,731 --> 00:52:34,192 I love it. And then they have um, their dad jokes. 1075 00:52:34,276 --> 00:52:35,152 They're like… 1076 00:52:35,235 --> 00:52:38,113 [in deep voice] "That cheerleader looks more like a tight-end to me, Rick." 1077 00:52:38,196 --> 00:52:39,114 [mock laughing] 1078 00:52:39,197 --> 00:52:40,949 [laughter] 1079 00:52:41,032 --> 00:52:44,661 It's like the male version of The View. They love that shit. 1080 00:52:44,744 --> 00:52:46,413 [laughter] 1081 00:52:46,496 --> 00:52:47,831 And they're so ugly. 1082 00:52:47,914 --> 00:52:49,749 All the men are so-- 1083 00:52:49,833 --> 00:52:52,085 Oh my God, they would never let a woman 1084 00:52:52,169 --> 00:52:54,171 as ugly as Lou Holtz-- 1085 00:52:54,838 --> 00:52:58,466 -[laughter] -The guy can barely talk. He's like-- 1086 00:52:58,550 --> 00:53:00,802 [mocking Lou Holtz] 1087 00:53:00,886 --> 00:53:02,053 [laughter] 1088 00:53:03,138 --> 00:53:06,099 "You're right, Lou, salami is an underrated meat." 1089 00:53:06,183 --> 00:53:07,392 [laughter] 1090 00:53:07,475 --> 00:53:10,437 [mocking Lou Holtz] 1091 00:53:11,354 --> 00:53:12,189 "Mm-hmm." 1092 00:53:12,272 --> 00:53:14,941 "Oatmeal's easy on the gums, Lou. You got that right." 1093 00:53:15,025 --> 00:53:16,860 [audience laughing] 1094 00:53:18,737 --> 00:53:21,198 But whatever. I don't bust his balls for all that. 1095 00:53:21,281 --> 00:53:23,533 Why? Because he's home 1096 00:53:24,034 --> 00:53:27,287 on the couch with the dog and the kids 1097 00:53:27,370 --> 00:53:30,373 and one lady who fucking gets it because that's a good man. 1098 00:53:31,917 --> 00:53:33,919 That's right, lady. Clap for that. 1099 00:53:34,002 --> 00:53:35,086 [audience applauding] 1100 00:53:35,170 --> 00:53:36,171 That's a good man. 1101 00:53:36,254 --> 00:53:39,591 [audience continues applauding] 1102 00:53:40,300 --> 00:53:44,012 That's the guy you marry. The sports guy, the sandwich guy. 1103 00:53:44,095 --> 00:53:45,305 Now, lastly. 1104 00:53:47,224 --> 00:53:48,767 Number three on the list. 1105 00:53:51,228 --> 00:53:52,270 Sex. 1106 00:53:52,979 --> 00:53:55,232 [cheers] 1107 00:53:55,315 --> 00:53:56,733 You have to have sex 1108 00:53:57,859 --> 00:53:59,027 with your husband. Now… 1109 00:53:59,110 --> 00:53:59,945 [sighing] 1110 00:54:00,028 --> 00:54:03,990 [laughter] 1111 00:54:06,785 --> 00:54:10,997 I don't pretend to be some sexed-up, hot cool wife. Like I'm not, dude. 1112 00:54:11,081 --> 00:54:11,915 I'm really not. 1113 00:54:12,874 --> 00:54:13,750 I mean honestly, 1114 00:54:14,251 --> 00:54:17,963 after spending a day with my three and six-year-old boys, 1115 00:54:19,256 --> 00:54:20,632 I am dryer… 1116 00:54:20,715 --> 00:54:23,260 [laughter] 1117 00:54:23,343 --> 00:54:25,428 …than Ruth Bader Ginsburg's pussy. 1118 00:54:25,512 --> 00:54:27,305 [laughter] 1119 00:54:27,389 --> 00:54:30,183 [applause] 1120 00:54:30,267 --> 00:54:33,937 She's dead, so that is a dusty puss. 1121 00:54:37,899 --> 00:54:40,151 I know. I don't, I don't feel sexy. 1122 00:54:40,235 --> 00:54:43,905 I feel like giving up, like just getting my haircut at the dog groomer's, 1123 00:54:45,156 --> 00:54:47,284 buy all my clothes at the AutoZone, 1124 00:54:47,367 --> 00:54:49,786 like one mechanic's onesie. 1125 00:54:51,246 --> 00:54:52,580 So here's what I do, okay? 1126 00:54:52,664 --> 00:54:56,293 I put my husband on a 72-hour milking schedule. 1127 00:54:58,169 --> 00:55:01,423 Every 72 hours. 'Cause here's what I noticed. 1128 00:55:01,506 --> 00:55:04,926 Around 72 hours is when the rage builds. 1129 00:55:05,427 --> 00:55:07,637 It's like the 60 Minutes clock, and then it-- 1130 00:55:07,721 --> 00:55:09,055 [clock ticking] 1131 00:55:09,139 --> 00:55:12,058 And then somewhere around here… 1132 00:55:14,227 --> 00:55:15,979 "This ice cream is too cold!" 1133 00:55:16,062 --> 00:55:17,731 [laughter] 1134 00:55:17,814 --> 00:55:19,816 "This salt is too salty!" [groaning] 1135 00:55:19,899 --> 00:55:22,444 [laughter] 1136 00:55:22,527 --> 00:55:25,071 And then I got a milk the bear. I gotta milk him. 1137 00:55:26,364 --> 00:55:28,325 And I don't do it for him, 1138 00:55:28,408 --> 00:55:31,119 I do it for me and the safety of our children. 1139 00:55:31,202 --> 00:55:33,204 [laughter] 1140 00:55:34,998 --> 00:55:37,334 And I know the moms watching this, you're like, 1141 00:55:37,417 --> 00:55:40,670 "I don't, I don't really feel like doing intercourse." Well, yeah. 1142 00:55:41,296 --> 00:55:42,797 You can just give him a handy. 1143 00:55:44,049 --> 00:55:45,508 Or as I like to call it, 1144 00:55:45,592 --> 00:55:46,843 two percent milked. 1145 00:55:46,926 --> 00:55:50,138 [laughter, applause] 1146 00:55:50,221 --> 00:55:54,100 [audience applauding, cheering] 1147 00:55:56,728 --> 00:55:59,898 So, I'll tell you a little personal story. So the other night… 1148 00:56:01,900 --> 00:56:03,401 yeah, the other night, uh, 1149 00:56:03,485 --> 00:56:05,862 my husband and I made sweet marital love, 1150 00:56:07,447 --> 00:56:09,366 and he rolls over and he goes, 1151 00:56:09,866 --> 00:56:11,076 "Are you proud of me?" 1152 00:56:11,159 --> 00:56:15,538 [laughter] 1153 00:56:15,622 --> 00:56:17,165 I'm like, "Yeah, sure." 1154 00:56:18,833 --> 00:56:22,420 He goes, "No, are you proud of me because 1155 00:56:22,504 --> 00:56:24,881 I had to fart that whole time… 1156 00:56:24,964 --> 00:56:27,634 [laughter] 1157 00:56:27,717 --> 00:56:30,345 …but I didn't out of respect for you." 1158 00:56:32,972 --> 00:56:35,892 I'm like, "Do you even see me as a woman anymore?" 1159 00:56:35,975 --> 00:56:36,976 [laughter] 1160 00:56:37,060 --> 00:56:39,687 I said, "Go ahead and fart. The fan's on. Who cares?" 1161 00:56:39,771 --> 00:56:42,107 [audience laughing] 1162 00:56:47,821 --> 00:56:49,364 But that's marriage. 1163 00:56:50,615 --> 00:56:51,950 And that's what it is. 1164 00:56:52,450 --> 00:56:55,620 And being an adult and having a family life, 1165 00:56:55,703 --> 00:56:56,913 it's not easy, 1166 00:56:57,414 --> 00:56:58,832 but it's a marathon. 1167 00:56:58,915 --> 00:57:01,126 Not a fucking triathlon, but a marathon. 1168 00:57:01,209 --> 00:57:02,919 [laughter] 1169 00:57:04,879 --> 00:57:07,715 And what I've learned is, I just have to take breaks. 1170 00:57:07,799 --> 00:57:09,676 Just take a break, come back later. 1171 00:57:09,759 --> 00:57:11,261 So what I like to do 1172 00:57:11,344 --> 00:57:13,513 is I get my nails done, and I've been going 1173 00:57:13,596 --> 00:57:15,390 to the same lady for years, right? 1174 00:57:15,473 --> 00:57:17,851 So five months after I had my second child, 1175 00:57:17,934 --> 00:57:19,561 five months after I gave birth, 1176 00:57:19,644 --> 00:57:20,770 I went to see her. 1177 00:57:21,271 --> 00:57:22,522 She looks at me and goes, 1178 00:57:23,356 --> 00:57:24,232 "Oh, 1179 00:57:25,525 --> 00:57:26,943 did you have the baby yet?" 1180 00:57:27,444 --> 00:57:29,737 [cheers] 1181 00:57:29,821 --> 00:57:32,407 Yeah, she goes, "You look fat. You look fat." 1182 00:57:33,658 --> 00:57:37,287 Like, "Is that any way to talk to your stepdaughter, you fucking bitch?" 1183 00:57:37,370 --> 00:57:40,540 -"Is that any way?" -[laughter, applause] 1184 00:57:40,623 --> 00:57:45,128 [audience cheering, applauding] 1185 00:57:49,799 --> 00:57:53,511 And look, I know I'm not supposed to do that accent… 1186 00:57:53,595 --> 00:57:55,096 [laughter] 1187 00:57:55,722 --> 00:57:59,642 …but it was so much funnier, right? It was so much better. Come on! 1188 00:57:59,726 --> 00:58:01,394 [audience cheering] 1189 00:58:01,478 --> 00:58:02,896 You gotta do that shit. 1190 00:58:03,521 --> 00:58:06,441 [audience applauding] 1191 00:58:06,524 --> 00:58:10,069 Okay, so, okay, so, when I broke my ankle, 1192 00:58:10,570 --> 00:58:12,447 I had like a major 1193 00:58:12,530 --> 00:58:14,824 life realization. Here's what happened. 1194 00:58:14,908 --> 00:58:16,951 I broke my ankle in four places, 1195 00:58:17,035 --> 00:58:18,328 and it was dislocated. 1196 00:58:18,828 --> 00:58:20,830 Yeah, so I'm in the emergency room, 1197 00:58:20,914 --> 00:58:25,043 and the doctor goes, "We have to reset your bones." 1198 00:58:25,126 --> 00:58:28,087 "I'm gonna give you ketamine so that you don't remember it." 1199 00:58:28,171 --> 00:58:30,298 [laughter] 1200 00:58:30,381 --> 00:58:31,216 Yeah. 1201 00:58:31,299 --> 00:58:33,510 And then he says… 1202 00:58:33,593 --> 00:58:36,387 He's like, "You may go on a little journey." 1203 00:58:36,471 --> 00:58:38,473 [laughter] 1204 00:58:40,350 --> 00:58:42,477 I was like, "Yeah, dog, that's what's up." 1205 00:58:42,560 --> 00:58:44,521 [audience cheering] 1206 00:58:44,604 --> 00:58:45,772 "Call me." 1207 00:58:45,855 --> 00:58:47,440 [applause] 1208 00:58:47,524 --> 00:58:48,441 You know, like, 1209 00:58:49,400 --> 00:58:51,778 I've been preparing for this shit my whole life. 1210 00:58:52,278 --> 00:58:54,197 "Who's a loser now, Mom? Okay." 1211 00:58:54,280 --> 00:58:55,448 [laughter] 1212 00:58:55,532 --> 00:58:59,369 Okay. So they give me the ketamine and-- 1213 00:58:59,452 --> 00:59:00,912 [humming in falling tone] 1214 00:59:00,995 --> 00:59:03,790 Like, I slip into the fourth dimension, 1215 00:59:05,124 --> 00:59:06,417 and then I go 1216 00:59:06,501 --> 00:59:08,545 on a vision quest, bros, like… 1217 00:59:08,628 --> 00:59:09,754 [cheers] 1218 00:59:09,837 --> 00:59:12,840 …like a serious vision quest. So I'm in the fourth dimension, 1219 00:59:12,924 --> 00:59:14,300 and Pac-Man shows up, 1220 00:59:16,219 --> 00:59:17,845 and he's wearing a saddle 1221 00:59:17,929 --> 00:59:21,182 because I live in Texas now and I think that's where it came from. 1222 00:59:22,141 --> 00:59:25,270 And Pac-Man's like, "Hop on, little lady." 1223 00:59:26,396 --> 00:59:28,356 And I'm like, "Alright, Pac-Man." 1224 00:59:28,856 --> 00:59:31,359 So I get on and we're riding, right? 1225 00:59:31,442 --> 00:59:33,444 [imitating Pac-Man] 1226 00:59:33,528 --> 00:59:35,530 [audience laughing] 1227 00:59:36,906 --> 00:59:38,116 And I see my father, 1228 00:59:39,784 --> 00:59:41,452 but I'm full of compassion… 1229 00:59:43,788 --> 00:59:44,914 and love, 1230 00:59:45,415 --> 00:59:48,042 and I forgive him. I forgive him for him 1231 00:59:48,126 --> 00:59:50,920 not being able to be the dad I wanted him to be. 1232 00:59:52,088 --> 00:59:55,341 And then I thanked him for the cool historical facts… 1233 00:59:55,425 --> 00:59:57,594 [laughter] 1234 01:00:02,307 --> 01:00:06,519 …and I thanked him for teaching me how to dance through life. 1235 01:00:07,770 --> 01:00:09,564 [applause] 1236 01:00:09,647 --> 01:00:12,734 [audience continues applauding] 1237 01:00:12,817 --> 01:00:13,651 And then, 1238 01:00:14,986 --> 01:00:16,237 so I get back on Pac-Man. 1239 01:00:16,321 --> 01:00:18,323 [imitating Pac-Man] 1240 01:00:19,449 --> 01:00:21,159 Now I see my mother, 1241 01:00:22,827 --> 01:00:25,455 and I'm full of compassion for her and love, 1242 01:00:25,955 --> 01:00:30,001 and I forgive her for not being able to be the mother I wanted her to be. 1243 01:00:31,377 --> 01:00:33,338 And then I thank her for the fur coats… 1244 01:00:33,421 --> 01:00:35,423 [laughter] 1245 01:00:38,426 --> 01:00:41,137 …and for making me resilient. 1246 01:00:42,305 --> 01:00:45,391 [applause] 1247 01:00:47,393 --> 01:00:48,645 Resilient. 1248 01:00:48,728 --> 01:00:52,982 [audience continues applauding] 1249 01:00:53,066 --> 01:00:55,109 Because, by the time I was seven, 1250 01:00:55,193 --> 01:00:56,736 I could use the stove… 1251 01:00:56,819 --> 01:00:58,946 [laughter] 1252 01:00:59,572 --> 01:01:01,699 …to light my own cigarettes. 1253 01:01:01,783 --> 01:01:04,160 [laughter, cheers] 1254 01:01:04,243 --> 01:01:05,203 Yeah. 1255 01:01:05,286 --> 01:01:07,872 [audience applauding] 1256 01:01:08,831 --> 01:01:10,124 And then I ride on. 1257 01:01:10,208 --> 01:01:11,376 [imitating Pac-Man] 1258 01:01:12,835 --> 01:01:14,879 And now I see my children, 1259 01:01:16,464 --> 01:01:18,007 my beautiful boys, 1260 01:01:19,384 --> 01:01:22,929 [inhaling] and I'm overcome with love and gratitude 1261 01:01:24,347 --> 01:01:27,684 that they exist and they've given me this purpose, 1262 01:01:28,184 --> 01:01:31,896 and they've made me wanna be a better mother and human being every day. 1263 01:01:33,272 --> 01:01:34,148 [inhaling deeply] 1264 01:01:34,982 --> 01:01:37,110 [exhaling] And then the ketamine wears off… 1265 01:01:37,193 --> 01:01:39,195 [laughter] 1266 01:01:46,786 --> 01:01:47,620 [chuckles] 1267 01:01:48,996 --> 01:01:51,249 [audience laughing] 1268 01:01:53,334 --> 01:01:55,712 …and my husband is next to me and he's-- 1269 01:01:57,171 --> 01:01:58,256 he's holding my hand. 1270 01:01:59,924 --> 01:02:02,927 Yeah, and I grab him and I pull him close to me, 1271 01:02:03,594 --> 01:02:05,847 and his face is right here and I go, 1272 01:02:07,181 --> 01:02:08,141 I know 1273 01:02:09,267 --> 01:02:11,853 you can hear babies crying in the night. 1274 01:02:11,936 --> 01:02:13,479 [laughter] 1275 01:02:13,563 --> 01:02:15,648 -[audience applauding] -Thank you, guys. 1276 01:02:15,732 --> 01:02:18,067 I love you very much. Thank you so much. 1277 01:02:18,151 --> 01:02:19,944 ["Relax" by Frankie Goes To Hollywood playing] 1278 01:02:20,027 --> 01:02:22,155 ♪ Relax, don't do it ♪ 1279 01:02:22,238 --> 01:02:24,073 ♪ When you want to go to it ♪ 1280 01:02:24,157 --> 01:02:26,409 ♪ Relax, don't do it ♪ 1281 01:02:26,492 --> 01:02:28,453 ♪ When you want to come ♪ 1282 01:02:28,536 --> 01:02:30,580 {\an8}♪ Relax, don't do it ♪ 1283 01:02:30,663 --> 01:02:32,665 {\an8}♪ When you want to sock into it ♪ 1284 01:02:32,749 --> 01:02:34,792 {\an8}♪ Relax, don't do it ♪ 1285 01:02:35,793 --> 01:02:37,503 {\an8}♪ When you want to come ♪ 1286 01:02:40,006 --> 01:02:41,716 {\an8}♪ When you want to come ♪ 1287 01:02:41,799 --> 01:02:43,426 {\an8}[cheers]