1
00:00:02,000 --> 00:00:07,000
Downloaded from
YTS.MX
2
00:00:08,000 --> 00:00:13,000
Official YIFY movies site:
YTS.MX
3
00:00:54,010 --> 00:00:56,099
[INDISTINCT CHATTER]
4
00:00:58,928 --> 00:01:00,625
EDDIE: We've been
all around the world.
5
00:01:00,669 --> 00:01:02,540
Whole world tour.
6
00:01:02,584 --> 00:01:05,108
Australia, New Zealand,
Central Europe, Eastern Europe.
7
00:01:05,152 --> 00:01:08,764
All through America,
all of UK and Ireland.
8
00:01:08,807 --> 00:01:11,810
And now we're filming it in
the Top Secret Comedy Club.
9
00:01:11,854 --> 00:01:15,205
Right by Covent Garden
where I was a street performer
for four years, so...
10
00:01:15,249 --> 00:01:17,164
it comes all the way around.
11
00:01:21,907 --> 00:01:25,128
[INDISTINCT CONVERSATION]
12
00:01:25,172 --> 00:01:28,392
I went down to Covent Garden.
It was nice, it was all ready
for Christmas.
13
00:01:28,436 --> 00:01:32,440
That was my old life,
back between '85 and '89,
14
00:01:32,483 --> 00:01:35,704
and now we're here,
30 years later.
15
00:01:35,747 --> 00:01:38,402
I just wanted to see that
before I came
and did this show.
16
00:01:38,446 --> 00:01:40,578
WOMAN: How does
that make you feel?
17
00:01:40,622 --> 00:01:44,626
Good, I like the circles.
Well, you know my whole theory,
the universe is about circles.
18
00:01:44,669 --> 00:01:48,369
And anything that circles round
tends to be good.
19
00:01:48,412 --> 00:01:51,720
The circle of life,
the circle of the universe,
the circle of the globe,
20
00:01:51,763 --> 00:01:53,417
the circle of orbits.
21
00:01:53,461 --> 00:01:54,940
What goes around comes around.
22
00:01:54,984 --> 00:01:58,248
If you do good things, you can
get benefits back to you.
23
00:01:58,292 --> 00:02:00,511
We start off
as little small children
24
00:02:00,555 --> 00:02:02,687
and we don't have much
capability in our bodies
25
00:02:02,731 --> 00:02:06,604
and we end up shrinking down
to little old men and old women,
26
00:02:06,648 --> 00:02:09,607
who don't have much capability
and control of their bodies.
27
00:02:09,651 --> 00:02:12,741
And then it ends. Everything
seems to go around in circles.
28
00:02:18,442 --> 00:02:20,314
[CROWD CHATTERING]
29
00:02:26,233 --> 00:02:27,843
[WOMEN LAUGHING]
30
00:02:27,886 --> 00:02:29,758
[GLASSES CLATTERING]
31
00:02:29,801 --> 00:02:33,240
Ah, that's, uh,
that's just a lot of bottles
32
00:02:33,283 --> 00:02:35,242
going into a bottle bank,
I assume.
33
00:02:35,285 --> 00:02:37,026
Because we're here in this,
34
00:02:37,069 --> 00:02:39,768
as you can hear from the whir,
you can hear this
in the background.
35
00:02:39,811 --> 00:02:44,468
This is a car park. That is
the fan for an underground
car park here at Central London.
36
00:02:44,512 --> 00:02:46,949
And everything's
just jammed together.
37
00:02:46,992 --> 00:02:49,560
So, back in the clubs,
like in the early days.
38
00:02:49,604 --> 00:02:53,303
I'll keep eating nuts because
apparently they're good for you.
39
00:02:53,347 --> 00:02:55,523
This one, I don't like so much.
40
00:02:55,566 --> 00:02:57,916
Do I like this one?
I like this one.
41
00:02:57,960 --> 00:03:00,484
Now I'm gonna put this away
and I'm gonna get ready.
42
00:03:00,528 --> 00:03:04,184
Goodbye to everyone,
for the moment. Cheers.
43
00:03:08,275 --> 00:03:09,363
Now stop filming.
44
00:03:09,406 --> 00:03:10,755
WOMAN: Okay, you can cut there.
45
00:03:12,322 --> 00:03:14,237
[CROWD CHATTERING]
46
00:03:14,281 --> 00:03:17,458
EDDIE: And the bigger gigs
at the London Palladium
on this tour,
47
00:03:17,501 --> 00:03:20,025
you throw out the lines
and the laughs come back,
48
00:03:20,069 --> 00:03:21,766
then you throw out
the next line.
49
00:03:21,810 --> 00:03:23,768
That's more like
an ocean liner.
50
00:03:25,335 --> 00:03:27,772
A speedboat adapts
and moves quickly.
51
00:03:27,816 --> 00:03:31,820
That's what this one was like,
they react faster.
52
00:03:31,863 --> 00:03:35,824
Very much like playing
in the Comedy Store, playing
in the early clubs in London.
53
00:03:36,955 --> 00:03:39,349
Keeps you on your toes.
54
00:03:39,393 --> 00:03:42,787
This audience isn't necessarily
fans of mine.
55
00:03:42,831 --> 00:03:46,313
They are people
from the mailing list of
the Top Secret Comedy Club.
56
00:03:46,356 --> 00:03:50,317
They're not going to go
with everything.
You've got to win them over.
57
00:03:50,360 --> 00:03:52,362
[ROCK MUSIC PLAYING]
58
00:04:15,342 --> 00:04:18,606
ANNOUNCER: Please welcome
Eddie Izzard.
59
00:04:18,649 --> 00:04:20,825
[CROWD CHEERING AND APPLAUDING]
60
00:04:31,358 --> 00:04:32,707
Good evening!
61
00:04:34,143 --> 00:04:35,536
Hello.
62
00:04:37,407 --> 00:04:41,977
Ladies and gentlemen,
welcome to my Wunderbar show.
63
00:04:42,020 --> 00:04:43,718
Yes, thank you.
64
00:04:43,761 --> 00:04:45,633
[CROWD CHEERING]
65
00:04:45,676 --> 00:04:47,461
Tonight, I'm gonna
talk about everything.
66
00:04:47,504 --> 00:04:49,854
I'll talk about
from the Big Bang
up to last Thursday,
67
00:04:49,898 --> 00:04:51,987
- all that stuff.
- [CROWD LAUGHS]
68
00:04:52,030 --> 00:04:54,859
Since the Big Bang,
there have been
five great mass extinctions.
69
00:04:54,903 --> 00:04:56,905
Not one, not two, but five.
70
00:04:56,948 --> 00:04:58,602
Uh, which means
the creatures came
71
00:04:58,646 --> 00:05:00,691
and they had lots of eyes...
[MAKES FUNNY NOISE]
72
00:05:00,735 --> 00:05:04,826
Then they blew up or disappeared
or went on holiday
and never came back,
73
00:05:04,869 --> 00:05:06,393
and then a second lot
turned up.
74
00:05:06,436 --> 00:05:07,655
Then they all disappeared.
75
00:05:07,698 --> 00:05:09,396
The fifth lot
were the dinosaurs.
76
00:05:09,439 --> 00:05:13,661
You know about them,
165 million years
we had of those guys.
77
00:05:13,704 --> 00:05:16,403
Remember, we've had about
500 years of good stuff.
78
00:05:16,446 --> 00:05:18,970
165 million years of... [GROWLS]
79
00:05:19,014 --> 00:05:20,581
[CROWD LAUGHS]
80
00:05:20,624 --> 00:05:22,496
That's all they did.
81
00:05:22,539 --> 00:05:24,889
Morning, noon and night.
[GROWLS]
82
00:05:24,933 --> 00:05:26,369
They were pirates.
83
00:05:27,457 --> 00:05:28,676
We're pretty sure now.
84
00:05:28,719 --> 00:05:30,417
We don't know if they
ever said "Jim Lad."
85
00:05:30,460 --> 00:05:33,637
But we know they went...
[GROWLS]
86
00:05:33,681 --> 00:05:36,553
Then, as you may well know,
a big rock came
from outer space again,
87
00:05:36,597 --> 00:05:40,514
pretty random to me, and...
hit down in the Gulf of Mexico.
88
00:05:40,557 --> 00:05:42,603
All this stuff went up
into the atmosphere
89
00:05:42,646 --> 00:05:45,083
and killed the weather systems
and the dinosaurs died
90
00:05:45,127 --> 00:05:48,913
in the K-T extinction
within two years,
91
00:05:48,957 --> 00:05:53,440
and some say these days it could
be... There's a new theory,
it could be within two hours.
92
00:05:53,483 --> 00:05:56,747
With tsunamis of water and fire
and all the dinosaurs were gone.
93
00:05:56,791 --> 00:05:59,141
Only 25 percent of creatures
made it through.
94
00:05:59,184 --> 00:06:05,103
And one was a little shrew-like
meerkat-ish creature.
95
00:06:05,147 --> 00:06:09,760
Little mammal, underground,
and his name was Kenny.
We think.
96
00:06:09,804 --> 00:06:12,720
We're not sure of that,
we're making a guess there.
97
00:06:12,763 --> 00:06:15,026
And we are related to him.
98
00:06:16,245 --> 00:06:18,203
That's not a plan, is it?
99
00:06:18,247 --> 00:06:21,598
That's... You wouldn't...
You wouldn't...
100
00:06:23,600 --> 00:06:28,605
You wouldn't vote for this God
in a referendum.
101
00:06:28,649 --> 00:06:31,608
It's too much like a crack plan,
isn't it?
102
00:06:31,652 --> 00:06:34,655
Think about it.
If all the dinosaurs
did go in two hours...
103
00:06:34,698 --> 00:06:37,092
We know they went,
but if it was in that two hours,
104
00:06:37,135 --> 00:06:39,834
it would've gone overnight
and all these
underground creatures,
105
00:06:39,877 --> 00:06:44,229
next morning,
they would've got up and gone...
[IMITATING ANIMAL VOICES]
106
00:06:46,580 --> 00:06:49,452
[IMITATES SAWING NOISES]
Boom. Boom.
107
00:06:52,803 --> 00:06:54,457
[IMITATING ANIMAL SCURRYING]
108
00:06:56,546 --> 00:06:58,200
[IMITATES ANIMAL VOICES]
109
00:07:02,160 --> 00:07:03,727
I'm gonna go upstairs.
110
00:07:16,087 --> 00:07:17,524
Where the fuck is it?
111
00:07:17,567 --> 00:07:19,090
[CROWD LAUGHING]
112
00:07:19,830 --> 00:07:22,137
"Hi." "Yeah?"
113
00:07:22,180 --> 00:07:24,226
"There's no fucking thing
up here."
114
00:07:24,269 --> 00:07:25,270
"What?"
115
00:07:25,314 --> 00:07:26,881
"There's no fucking thing here."
116
00:07:26,924 --> 00:07:28,578
"Oh, I can't hear."
117
00:07:32,582 --> 00:07:34,149
"Where the fuck is it?"
"I don't know."
118
00:07:35,150 --> 00:07:36,499
"That's what I mean."
119
00:07:37,674 --> 00:07:40,503
That could be true.
120
00:07:40,547 --> 00:07:43,680
That may be why meerkats
are often seen going...
121
00:07:46,553 --> 00:07:47,945
Because they remember that day.
122
00:07:48,946 --> 00:07:50,774
Oh, yes.
123
00:07:50,818 --> 00:07:52,994
So, this little creature
made it through.
124
00:07:53,037 --> 00:07:55,823
It was a shrew-like creature
that ate insects.
125
00:07:55,866 --> 00:07:57,564
So, we ate a lot of insects.
126
00:07:57,607 --> 00:08:00,175
Then at a certain point
went... [SPITS]
This is disgusting.
127
00:08:00,218 --> 00:08:04,614
Then we stopped eating insects
and asked for steaks and things
and breakfast cereal.
128
00:08:04,658 --> 00:08:07,965
And later on,
we became the great apes.
129
00:08:08,009 --> 00:08:10,054
Of course, we all
were part of the great apes.
130
00:08:10,098 --> 00:08:12,056
With the gorillas
and chimpanzees.
131
00:08:12,100 --> 00:08:15,146
Then the gorillas separated
from us and the bonobos
and those guys,
132
00:08:15,190 --> 00:08:18,062
about ten million years ago,
and they went
and stood over there.
133
00:08:18,106 --> 00:08:20,238
I don't know why,
but they just separated.
134
00:08:20,282 --> 00:08:22,937
Six million years ago,
the chimpanzees
separated from us.
135
00:08:22,980 --> 00:08:25,766
They took all the bananas
with them.
[IMITATING CHIMPANZEES]
136
00:08:31,293 --> 00:08:33,904
Fucking hell.
137
00:08:33,948 --> 00:08:36,559
First banana jokes were
six million years ago,
we know that.
138
00:08:37,168 --> 00:08:38,909
They found...
139
00:08:38,953 --> 00:08:43,348
They found the remains
of a chimpanzee in that position
140
00:08:43,392 --> 00:08:45,612
where he'd obviously fallen
on a banana skin.
141
00:08:45,655 --> 00:08:47,614
We're pretty sure.
142
00:08:47,657 --> 00:08:49,311
Then we started to talk
100,000 years ago.
143
00:08:49,354 --> 00:08:51,269
100,000 years ago,
we started to talk.
144
00:08:51,313 --> 00:08:54,838
The FOXP2 gene
is very central to this.
145
00:08:54,882 --> 00:08:56,623
So, 100,000 years ago, talking.
146
00:08:56,666 --> 00:08:59,321
There's the cognitive revolution
which is about 70,000 years ago,
147
00:08:59,364 --> 00:09:02,237
which is imagination,
those two things are us.
148
00:09:02,280 --> 00:09:04,195
Talking plus imagination
equals humans.
149
00:09:04,239 --> 00:09:05,893
Apart from that, we're just...
150
00:09:05,936 --> 00:09:07,851
we're the same as
the rest of the animals.
151
00:09:07,895 --> 00:09:10,637
But the talking, very important.
We got it 100,000 years ago.
152
00:09:10,680 --> 00:09:13,683
This FOXP2 gene, we don't know
how we got it,
but we know we got it
153
00:09:13,727 --> 00:09:16,643
100,000 years ago, probably
on a Tuesday, about half-three.
154
00:09:16,686 --> 00:09:18,079
We think something like that.
155
00:09:18,122 --> 00:09:21,169
And we were just monkey people.
Just gatherers,
156
00:09:21,212 --> 00:09:23,563
just going around...
[IMITATES CAVEMEN]
157
00:09:32,267 --> 00:09:33,355
"Wow.
158
00:09:36,271 --> 00:09:37,664
"Oh, this one's very tasty.
159
00:09:41,363 --> 00:09:43,670
"I'm talking, Gerald.
I'm talking, can you hear me?
160
00:09:43,713 --> 00:09:45,323
"I always thought you're Gerald.
161
00:09:45,367 --> 00:09:47,108
"Are you Gerald? You can't talk.
162
00:09:47,151 --> 00:09:48,675
"You can't talk.
Try one of these.
163
00:09:48,718 --> 00:09:50,981
"Open your mouth. Shut up.
Just open your mouth."
164
00:09:51,025 --> 00:09:53,680
[CHOKING] "Why did you do that?
165
00:09:53,723 --> 00:09:56,683
"Oh, my God. I'm talking too.
166
00:09:56,726 --> 00:09:59,076
"I said, Oh, my God,
is there a God?
I don't think so.
167
00:10:01,165 --> 00:10:02,732
"Gerald, this is amazing."
168
00:10:02,776 --> 00:10:05,082
"I can't be Gerald,
you're Gerald.
I'm Gerald? Two Geralds.
169
00:10:05,126 --> 00:10:06,693
"That's not going to work."
170
00:10:06,736 --> 00:10:08,172
"Well, who the fuck
are you then?"
171
00:10:08,216 --> 00:10:09,434
"I am Samantha..."
172
00:10:10,479 --> 00:10:11,698
"Are you gender-fluid?"
173
00:10:11,741 --> 00:10:13,134
"I'm gender-fucking-liquid,
baby."
174
00:10:15,789 --> 00:10:17,138
"Are we talking German?"
175
00:10:17,181 --> 00:10:19,227
"Could be German, could be
Spanish, could be French.
176
00:10:19,270 --> 00:10:20,576
"Could be English.
177
00:10:20,620 --> 00:10:22,273
"No, I think it's probably
English or Spanish.
178
00:10:22,317 --> 00:10:24,145
"Seems quite easy, this.
179
00:10:24,188 --> 00:10:27,061
"The Germans would have
more rules in their language."
180
00:10:27,104 --> 00:10:31,761
"Yes, they would, masculine,
feminine, neuter,
'things made out of wood.'
181
00:10:31,805 --> 00:10:33,197
"I agree."
182
00:10:33,241 --> 00:10:35,069
And then there came a point
where they...
183
00:10:35,112 --> 00:10:37,898
we left Africa,
the "out of Africa" theory.
184
00:10:37,941 --> 00:10:39,726
"Come, we must get out
of Africa.
185
00:10:39,769 --> 00:10:42,032
"You other monkeys,
you non-talky monkey people,
186
00:10:42,076 --> 00:10:44,948
"you stay here and guard
the village, we're going
187
00:10:44,992 --> 00:10:46,733
"out of Africa.
Going to make a film.
188
00:10:46,776 --> 00:10:48,256
"It will be on DVD eventually.
189
00:10:48,299 --> 00:10:52,216
"So, you stay...
Can you understand?
190
00:10:52,260 --> 00:10:54,218
"Do you... Just..."
191
00:10:54,262 --> 00:10:55,785
"Don't want to stay."
192
00:10:56,873 --> 00:10:58,745
"You speak English?"
193
00:10:58,788 --> 00:11:00,485
[SPEAKS FRENCH]
194
00:11:02,183 --> 00:11:03,837
"Do you speak German?" "Si."
195
00:11:05,795 --> 00:11:07,275
"Do you speak Spanish?" "Ja."
196
00:11:08,319 --> 00:11:09,973
"How did you learn
four languages?"
197
00:11:10,017 --> 00:11:12,236
"We bought tapes, okay?"
198
00:11:12,280 --> 00:11:14,891
"Where did you buy tapes?"
"We bought them online."
199
00:11:14,935 --> 00:11:17,459
"Online?"
"Yeah, the line over there,
we're just hanging on.
200
00:11:18,329 --> 00:11:19,461
"My uncle sells them.
201
00:11:19,504 --> 00:11:21,376
"Two bananas each."
202
00:11:21,419 --> 00:11:24,161
"Well, I'll be
a monkey's uncle."
203
00:11:24,205 --> 00:11:26,294
"No, that's him.
He's the monkey's uncle."
204
00:11:28,339 --> 00:11:31,386
So, yes, so, 100,000 years ago
we started talking
205
00:11:31,429 --> 00:11:34,955
and from that day,
100,000 years ago to here,
206
00:11:34,998 --> 00:11:37,305
today in London, nothing
really has happened.
207
00:11:38,349 --> 00:11:40,264
No, it's been kinda
"same old, same old."
208
00:11:40,308 --> 00:11:42,789
We did start to think
70,000 years ago, apparently.
209
00:11:42,832 --> 00:11:45,356
Which is interesting,
the cognitive revolution.
210
00:11:45,400 --> 00:11:49,404
But, uh, I think we invented God
on the way,
I think we invented God.
211
00:11:49,447 --> 00:11:53,756
Makes sense, to...
to answer things
that we didn't understand.
212
00:11:53,800 --> 00:11:57,978
'Cause if there was a God,
I think everything should pray,
not everyone but everything.
213
00:11:58,021 --> 00:11:59,283
Al the animals should pray.
214
00:11:59,327 --> 00:12:01,329
You've never seen
an animal praying.
215
00:12:01,372 --> 00:12:04,985
Never seen tigers praying,
"We're going in for a hunt,
going to get a buffalo.
216
00:12:05,028 --> 00:12:07,770
"We're going to have breakfast.
Padre, quick prayer. Thank you.
217
00:12:09,424 --> 00:12:12,166
"Eyes down for a full house.
218
00:12:12,209 --> 00:12:15,517
"Oh, great God, Timmy the tiger
who lives...
219
00:12:15,560 --> 00:12:20,783
"who lives up in the clouds,
until that day
when we learn to fly
220
00:12:20,827 --> 00:12:23,220
"through the clouds and then
we notice he isn't there,
221
00:12:23,264 --> 00:12:25,962
"and we'll just
never mention it again.
222
00:12:26,006 --> 00:12:28,356
"God, Timmy, please bless
this, our hunt.
223
00:12:28,399 --> 00:12:30,488
"Make our feet fleet of foot.
224
00:12:30,532 --> 00:12:32,055
"Whatever that means.
225
00:12:32,099 --> 00:12:35,102
"Make our teeth
even more pointed
than they usually are.
226
00:12:35,145 --> 00:12:38,453
"And when we find a young
and tender buffalo,
please let us
227
00:12:38,496 --> 00:12:44,415
"tear him apart in an orgy
of blood and violence
in your mercy.
228
00:12:45,895 --> 00:12:50,117
"Aah... tigers."
229
00:12:51,466 --> 00:12:54,512
That should happen,
but it doesn't.
230
00:12:58,603 --> 00:13:02,042
Now, we started this show
in Paris next to
Notre Dame cathedral.
231
00:13:02,085 --> 00:13:04,522
A beautiful cathedral.
I do like the buildings.
232
00:13:04,566 --> 00:13:07,569
You know, Notre Dame is
a testament to human creativity,
233
00:13:07,612 --> 00:13:10,398
built for a God who didn't
make it to the opening night.
234
00:13:10,441 --> 00:13:12,356
When they opened
the Notre Dame cathedral,
235
00:13:12,400 --> 00:13:15,359
he didn't make it to
the 500th year anniversary
of the building.
236
00:13:15,403 --> 00:13:17,884
Didn't make it
when it was on fire,
237
00:13:17,927 --> 00:13:19,929
which you'd think he could've
turned up then.
238
00:13:19,973 --> 00:13:23,933
Just go, "Sorry, I'll get some
rain clouds. Come on, lads,
rain clouds. Here we go."
239
00:13:23,977 --> 00:13:25,456
But they are
beautiful buildings.
240
00:13:25,500 --> 00:13:27,937
Cathedrals, churches, especially
with candles.
241
00:13:27,981 --> 00:13:29,373
I love them with candles.
242
00:13:29,417 --> 00:13:31,506
I always get a candle for Mom,
a candle for Dad.
243
00:13:31,549 --> 00:13:35,379
I like that part
of the Catholic faith.
The rest of it, I'm gonna leave.
244
00:13:35,423 --> 00:13:37,120
Just the candle bits.
245
00:13:37,164 --> 00:13:40,907
It makes churches look
fantastic, especially
in an action movie.
246
00:13:40,950 --> 00:13:42,909
They look excellent, don't they?
247
00:13:42,952 --> 00:13:46,086
[IMITATES GUNFIRE]
Jason Bourne.
248
00:13:48,218 --> 00:13:52,005
♪ Ahh
249
00:13:52,048 --> 00:13:54,921
There's this wonderful,
contemplative moment
250
00:13:54,964 --> 00:13:56,836
where you look at it
and it's great.
251
00:13:56,879 --> 00:14:00,448
And some cathedrals are mixing
it up, Liverpool Cathedral
has a cafe in it.
252
00:14:00,491 --> 00:14:04,408
I think that's excellent.
Good laugh. Um, just saying.
253
00:14:04,452 --> 00:14:06,367
Have you just joined us?
254
00:14:10,719 --> 00:14:12,634
Okay, you'll have to stuff
a sock in that.
255
00:14:12,677 --> 00:14:15,463
Uh... otherwise it's gonna be
ruling the show.
256
00:14:17,073 --> 00:14:19,336
But yes, Liverpool Cathedral
has a cafe in there
257
00:14:19,380 --> 00:14:21,948
and I think that's good,
Jesus would have liked that.
258
00:14:21,991 --> 00:14:25,473
He said, "My table
is not a place...
house of money,
259
00:14:25,516 --> 00:14:29,129
"but coffee, yes,
because I've got a Sermon
on the Mount coming up
260
00:14:29,172 --> 00:14:31,958
"and I gotta stay awake
and learn all these lines."
261
00:14:32,001 --> 00:14:33,611
So, Notre Dame cathedral
is beautiful,
262
00:14:33,655 --> 00:14:36,571
it's got flying buttresses,
arc boutons,
263
00:14:36,614 --> 00:14:39,052
if you want to drop that
into conversation, ever.
264
00:14:39,095 --> 00:14:41,054
Um, and it's called Notre Dame,
265
00:14:41,097 --> 00:14:43,143
it's named after
an American football team.
266
00:14:43,186 --> 00:14:46,711
Which is...
which is kinda crazy.
267
00:14:46,755 --> 00:14:51,586
Some people say. Others say,
"Notre Dame, 'our lady.'
It's the mother of Jesus."
268
00:14:51,629 --> 00:14:54,458
Apparently, she built it
or caused it to be built.
269
00:14:54,502 --> 00:14:59,942
She came over from Judaea,
it's a whole Dan Brown,
Da Vinci Code, kind of story.
270
00:14:59,986 --> 00:15:05,992
Came over way back in 1973,
before any of us were born.
271
00:15:06,035 --> 00:15:08,124
Going... [SPEAKS FRENCH]
272
00:15:10,344 --> 00:15:11,519
"But who are you?"
273
00:15:11,562 --> 00:15:12,912
"I'm Mrs. Jesus, I am.
274
00:15:14,652 --> 00:15:16,480
"My son told me to build this."
275
00:15:16,524 --> 00:15:18,352
"But he died 2,000 years ago."
276
00:15:18,395 --> 00:15:19,701
"Yeah, traffic was hell.
277
00:15:21,572 --> 00:15:25,228
"They're digging up
the Mediterranean
to put in irrigation."
278
00:15:25,272 --> 00:15:29,276
"Mrs. Jesus, tell us the story."
"Well, well, my son,
he was on his death bed."
279
00:15:29,319 --> 00:15:31,539
"Mom, I'm on my death bed, Mom.
280
00:15:31,582 --> 00:15:33,367
"I'm dying. The Romans,
they got me, Mom."
281
00:15:33,410 --> 00:15:36,109
"What happened?" "I'll tell you
what happened.
282
00:15:36,152 --> 00:15:37,371
"I was in the Garden
of Gethsemane
283
00:15:37,414 --> 00:15:39,503
"with Judas and James
and Matthew and Kenny.
284
00:15:39,547 --> 00:15:41,331
"Stevie Nicks, Roger McGough.
285
00:15:42,506 --> 00:15:44,682
"Che Guevara.
286
00:15:44,726 --> 00:15:48,425
"Uh, Konrad Adenauer,
Kenny Dalglish and the Pope,
287
00:15:48,469 --> 00:15:50,601
"and we're all playing
Shove Ha'penny and Scrabble.
288
00:15:51,863 --> 00:15:54,301
"And then the Romans come in
and they got me.
289
00:15:54,344 --> 00:15:57,478
"It all went tits up, Mom.
290
00:15:57,521 --> 00:15:59,784
"You must build a cathedral."
"I will build a cathedral.
291
00:15:59,828 --> 00:16:02,352
"What's a cathedral?" "I dunno,
I made it up in Scrabble.
292
00:16:04,572 --> 00:16:07,488
"300 points on a triple word."
293
00:16:07,531 --> 00:16:11,057
"I'll build one in Jerusalem."
"Not Jerusalem, no,
that's gonna be a nightmare
294
00:16:11,100 --> 00:16:13,363
"with politics there.
295
00:16:13,407 --> 00:16:16,410
"And traffic is bad. Um...
296
00:16:16,453 --> 00:16:18,673
"Paris, why not Paris?"
"Oh, Paris, why Paris?"
297
00:16:18,716 --> 00:16:20,240
"For the tourists." "Oh, yeah."
298
00:16:22,198 --> 00:16:26,289
"Make it colder there, Mom.
I want it like a fridge."
"All right.
299
00:16:26,333 --> 00:16:29,771
"I'll put yoghurt
and ham everywhere."
"Yes, yoghurt and ham.
300
00:16:29,814 --> 00:16:31,555
"That makes it a fridge.
301
00:16:33,166 --> 00:16:36,821
"And also..." That's my fridge.
302
00:16:41,826 --> 00:16:44,394
Funnier than it was yesterday.
303
00:16:45,787 --> 00:16:49,138
"Yeah, yoghurt and ham,
Mom, and,
304
00:16:49,182 --> 00:16:52,141
"in the cathedral, put lots
of candles in the cathedral
as well.
305
00:16:52,185 --> 00:16:53,838
"Not too many, could burn down."
306
00:16:56,841 --> 00:16:59,148
Yeah, well,
the French firefighters,
307
00:16:59,192 --> 00:17:01,803
they saved that cathedral.
It's a beautiful building.
308
00:17:01,846 --> 00:17:04,762
And President Macron said
it'll be rebuilt in five years
309
00:17:04,806 --> 00:17:07,069
and I'm absolutely sure
they'll keep their word
310
00:17:07,113 --> 00:17:08,810
and it'll be rebuilt and be
even better than before.
311
00:17:08,853 --> 00:17:14,120
And it will have more
sprinkler systems
than you've ever seen.
312
00:17:14,163 --> 00:17:16,122
So, well done to them.
But I was in Notre Dame,
313
00:17:16,165 --> 00:17:18,385
a year ago I was there.
No, two years ago.
314
00:17:18,428 --> 00:17:21,214
Uh, no, five years ago,
I was there.
315
00:17:21,257 --> 00:17:23,085
I've never been there,
actually, but...
316
00:17:25,392 --> 00:17:28,395
No, of course, I was there,
I was there. No.
317
00:17:28,438 --> 00:17:30,527
No, I have been there.
318
00:17:31,572 --> 00:17:33,139
[MOUTHING]
319
00:17:33,182 --> 00:17:35,489
No, of course. Everyone.
You go to Paris, you go to...
320
00:17:41,712 --> 00:17:44,063
I was there with
Engelbert Humperdinck last time.
321
00:17:45,151 --> 00:17:47,240
And Ziggova Bambleback
was there.
322
00:17:47,283 --> 00:17:49,590
And Slod Van Walle was there.
323
00:17:49,633 --> 00:17:52,158
And I was talking to the priest,
"Monsieur le priest,
324
00:17:52,201 --> 00:17:53,768
"vous avez beaucoup
of the candles here.
325
00:17:53,811 --> 00:17:55,639
"Mucho mucho.
326
00:17:55,683 --> 00:17:59,208
"and my question to you is,
warum haben Sie..." German.
327
00:17:59,252 --> 00:18:01,689
"...all these candles
here, why?"
328
00:18:01,732 --> 00:18:03,865
And he wasn't smoking,
he was vaping.
329
00:18:03,908 --> 00:18:05,910
[IMITATES VAPING]
330
00:18:07,477 --> 00:18:09,392
[IMITATES EXPLOSION]
331
00:18:09,436 --> 00:18:11,307
So much smoke in vaping.
332
00:18:11,351 --> 00:18:15,181
What is happening? It's like
a Hogwarts train of smoke,
isn't it?
333
00:18:15,224 --> 00:18:17,444
It has killed the film noir.
334
00:18:17,487 --> 00:18:20,186
Do you remember film noir, with
the cigarettes and hats on?
335
00:18:20,229 --> 00:18:23,145
"Kenny, you gotta get out
of town. Mr. Big's home."
336
00:18:23,189 --> 00:18:24,668
"Mr. Big?
337
00:18:24,712 --> 00:18:26,801
"He's so big." "I know.
338
00:18:26,844 --> 00:18:28,890
"That's why
we call him Mr. Big.
339
00:18:28,933 --> 00:18:30,848
"He's gonna kill you, Kenny."
340
00:18:30,892 --> 00:18:33,286
"Don't think so. Sticks
and stones may break my bones,
341
00:18:33,329 --> 00:18:35,288
"but names will never hurt me."
342
00:18:35,331 --> 00:18:37,159
"He's got a gun." "Ah, shit."
343
00:18:38,334 --> 00:18:40,815
With vaping? "Kenny, you gotta
get out of town.
344
00:18:40,858 --> 00:18:42,599
"Mr. Big's coming."
345
00:18:45,254 --> 00:18:47,169
[IMITATES EXPLOSION]
346
00:18:47,996 --> 00:18:50,520
"Fucking exploded, man."
347
00:18:50,564 --> 00:18:52,261
"No, I'm still here."
348
00:18:54,394 --> 00:18:56,439
"You smell of vanilla."
349
00:19:00,226 --> 00:19:02,010
Yes, indeed. So, anyway,
350
00:19:02,053 --> 00:19:04,578
talking to the priest. Monsieur
le priest. He was there...
351
00:19:04,621 --> 00:19:10,540
[SPEAKING FRENCH]
352
00:19:10,584 --> 00:19:13,500
[SPEAKING FRENCH]
"Oh, you sell the... and it
raises money for religion?"
353
00:19:13,543 --> 00:19:15,545
[SPEAKING FRENCH]
354
00:19:17,678 --> 00:19:22,204
"Und pour acheter
more of the blood of Christ and
body of Christ for communion."
355
00:19:22,248 --> 00:19:25,251
We've been eating
his body and drinking his blood
for 2,000 years
356
00:19:25,294 --> 00:19:27,557
and he wasn't that big
to begin with.
357
00:19:27,601 --> 00:19:30,256
Which is true, in the strict
rules of the Catholic faith,
358
00:19:30,299 --> 00:19:32,562
they are not eating a facsimile
of his body,
359
00:19:32,606 --> 00:19:34,999
they're eating his real body
and drinking his real blood
360
00:19:35,043 --> 00:19:37,393
in a cannibalistic,
vampiristic way
361
00:19:37,437 --> 00:19:40,440
that is never pointed out.
362
00:19:40,483 --> 00:19:42,790
And how tall was he?
How big was he?
363
00:19:42,833 --> 00:19:45,271
Was the Sermon on the Mount
the Sermon of the Mount?
364
00:19:45,314 --> 00:19:48,230
Was he some sort of mountain
man and they keep...
365
00:19:48,274 --> 00:19:49,753
"Saw another bit off him.
366
00:19:49,797 --> 00:19:52,582
"Let's munch away at that
on Sundays."
367
00:19:52,626 --> 00:19:55,585
But this new pope, the guy who
just became pope
368
00:19:55,629 --> 00:19:58,893
like ten years ago, I dunno.
369
00:19:58,936 --> 00:20:00,764
Somewhat... The latest pope.
370
00:20:00,808 --> 00:20:03,811
I like him, I think he's got
a different thing going on.
371
00:20:03,854 --> 00:20:06,292
He's much more South American
than the rest of them.
372
00:20:06,335 --> 00:20:10,557
Um, he's much more,
"Buenas fucking noches, guys!
373
00:20:10,600 --> 00:20:12,298
"Hey, ole!"
374
00:20:12,341 --> 00:20:14,387
And, uh, he's changed things.
375
00:20:14,430 --> 00:20:16,693
You know, because you have
the body of Christ
376
00:20:16,737 --> 00:20:19,827
and the blood old Christ,
and they used to get vin de
table, ordinary table wine.
377
00:20:19,870 --> 00:20:21,959
They'd bless it and
it becomes... but now
they're using
378
00:20:22,003 --> 00:20:27,269
uh, Cotes du Rhone and
Pouilly-Fume, Burgundies, Beaujolais.
379
00:20:27,313 --> 00:20:29,315
Really fruity wines, you know?
380
00:20:29,358 --> 00:20:31,317
Strong, great tastes.
381
00:20:31,360 --> 00:20:33,536
For the blood of Christ.
It's really working well.
382
00:20:33,580 --> 00:20:35,756
The body of Christ, they're
using Focaccia bread
383
00:20:35,799 --> 00:20:37,888
uh, sourdough breads.
384
00:20:37,932 --> 00:20:41,327
You know, very good breads
that you can get in Sainsbury's.
385
00:20:41,370 --> 00:20:44,721
And, uh, and it's taken off.
There's queues around the block.
386
00:20:44,765 --> 00:20:46,767
Sunday mornings...
Have you seen the pictures?
387
00:20:46,810 --> 00:20:48,595
Seven o'clock,
queues around the block
388
00:20:48,638 --> 00:20:51,641
for Notre Dame cathedral.
"Uh, blood of Christ, please,
large one.
389
00:20:57,343 --> 00:20:58,996
"Aah!
390
00:20:59,040 --> 00:21:01,347
[SPEAKING FRENCH]
"Another one, please."
391
00:21:01,390 --> 00:21:04,437
"Oh, it's one each,
I'm terribly sorry."
[SPEAKING FRENCH]
392
00:21:04,480 --> 00:21:07,527
"Oh, this isn't a bar?
I thought it was a bar.
393
00:21:07,570 --> 00:21:09,920
"They look like this
these days."
394
00:21:09,964 --> 00:21:11,313
Merci beaucoup.
395
00:21:11,357 --> 00:21:13,707
"C'est formidable,
the blood of Christ.
396
00:21:13,750 --> 00:21:17,319
"Is the body of Christ close?
'Cause I'm a little bit
drunk now."
397
00:21:18,973 --> 00:21:20,801
[SPEAKING FRENCH]
398
00:21:20,844 --> 00:21:22,846
"Thank you, two bits, please.
399
00:21:22,890 --> 00:21:26,459
"One's for me and one's for
my religious friend. He's got
his foot stuck in a pew.
400
00:21:30,463 --> 00:21:32,769
"Do you have any butter?"
401
00:21:32,813 --> 00:21:34,902
[SPEAKING FRENCH]
402
00:21:36,033 --> 00:21:41,038
[SPEAKING FRENCH]
403
00:21:41,082 --> 00:21:43,954
"Thought that was a rule. No?
No worries.
404
00:21:43,998 --> 00:21:46,000
"Wipe on, wipe off.
Wipe on, wipe off.
405
00:21:46,043 --> 00:21:48,350
"Wipe on, wipe off."
406
00:21:48,394 --> 00:21:49,960
That's how it started.
Yeah, you see?
407
00:21:50,004 --> 00:21:52,093
'Cause when Christians,
the lions were going on,
408
00:21:52,136 --> 00:21:53,921
it was karate
that kept them going.
409
00:21:53,964 --> 00:21:55,662
"Wipe on, wipe off."
410
00:21:55,705 --> 00:21:58,142
They were all, "Uh... Lion!"
411
00:21:58,186 --> 00:22:00,493
[GROWLS]
That's how it all started.
412
00:22:01,972 --> 00:22:04,932
Because Father, Son and
Holy Ghost, that doesn't
make sense,
413
00:22:04,975 --> 00:22:08,109
'cause there's four points
to the cross and there's only
a Holy Trinity.
414
00:22:08,152 --> 00:22:10,894
Three into four don't go. Do you
remember your mathematics?
415
00:22:10,938 --> 00:22:13,114
Father, Son and Holy Ghost.
Who's that guy?
416
00:22:15,159 --> 00:22:17,031
Is that Kenny?
417
00:22:20,121 --> 00:22:21,818
But they put on a service,
don't they?
418
00:22:21,862 --> 00:22:24,517
I dunno if you're Catholic
or you if you met
a Catholic once.
419
00:22:24,560 --> 00:22:26,997
Some of my best friends
are Catholic.
420
00:22:27,041 --> 00:22:29,609
Sorry, it's a thing people say.
421
00:22:29,652 --> 00:22:32,002
Well, in the old days it used to
matter, I grew up and
422
00:22:32,046 --> 00:22:34,483
I went to a boarding school
after Mum died.
423
00:22:34,527 --> 00:22:38,574
And there was one Catholic
kid in our... In these
boarding houses.
424
00:22:38,618 --> 00:22:40,968
And every Sunday, we'd have to
troop off to church
425
00:22:41,011 --> 00:22:43,057
to hear someone go, "And now...
426
00:22:43,100 --> 00:22:45,712
"we shall read from the Book
of Death.
427
00:22:45,755 --> 00:22:48,149
"Chapters four to eight million.
428
00:22:48,192 --> 00:22:51,587
"And then Shadrac went
into a small pen
429
00:22:51,631 --> 00:22:53,981
"and he set fire
to his tonsils."
430
00:22:54,024 --> 00:22:56,679
And this went on and on and on.
431
00:22:56,723 --> 00:23:00,770
But the Catholic guy,
he had to go, "You can go off
to your own church."
432
00:23:00,814 --> 00:23:03,120
He could do whatever
he wanted, go down to the pub.
433
00:23:03,164 --> 00:23:05,688
It seemed a lot better to be
Catholic, you see.
434
00:23:05,732 --> 00:23:08,474
That was my
only frame of reference.
435
00:23:08,517 --> 00:23:10,911
Okay, I lost you all.
That's okay.
436
00:23:10,954 --> 00:23:13,000
It's just in the old days it was
Catholic against Protestant
437
00:23:13,043 --> 00:23:14,958
and they would burn
each other at the stake.
438
00:23:15,002 --> 00:23:17,483
And nowadays,
it's slightly different.
439
00:23:17,526 --> 00:23:19,572
But not in Glasgow.
440
00:23:21,051 --> 00:23:22,923
Where they'll try
and kill each other.
441
00:23:22,966 --> 00:23:27,231
But they put on a service,
don't they? In the Catholic
faith, they've got
442
00:23:27,275 --> 00:23:29,973
carpets, tapestries,
stained-glass windows.
443
00:23:30,017 --> 00:23:32,715
Someone sets fire to a handbag,
they spin that round,
444
00:23:32,759 --> 00:23:35,501
that always looks fun.
445
00:23:35,544 --> 00:23:37,894
The priests, they often talk
in Latin.
446
00:23:37,938 --> 00:23:41,158
No one understands Latin,
it's a clever idea.
447
00:23:41,202 --> 00:23:43,160
'Cause it means the priests
can make mistakes
448
00:23:43,204 --> 00:23:45,293
and no one knows.
449
00:23:45,336 --> 00:23:48,992
[SPEAKING LATIN INCORRECTLY]
Patris et Filii et Spiritus
Sancti. Cumulonimbus.
450
00:23:49,036 --> 00:23:52,996
Stratocumulus.
Cominangonis baked potatus.
451
00:23:53,040 --> 00:23:55,999
Inspectum Patronum.
452
00:23:56,043 --> 00:23:59,002
Rubber duckus, cor blimus.
453
00:23:59,046 --> 00:24:01,004
But as you probably
know, the French
454
00:24:01,048 --> 00:24:05,574
are lapsed Catholics, whereas
we in the United Kingdom
are lapsed Protestants.
455
00:24:05,618 --> 00:24:08,708
We have cathedrals as well,
but they're full of nothing.
456
00:24:08,751 --> 00:24:11,232
Because King Henry VIII,
he took it all
457
00:24:11,275 --> 00:24:13,539
when he split from
the Catholic faith.
458
00:24:13,582 --> 00:24:16,629
So, this was back in
the year 15... [MUMBLES]
459
00:24:18,674 --> 00:24:20,981
Henry VIII was born
in 15... [MUMBLES]
460
00:24:22,112 --> 00:24:25,202
And he became king in 15...
farther, bit later.
461
00:24:26,813 --> 00:24:32,601
And he split from the Catholic
faith in 15... sometime after.
462
00:24:32,645 --> 00:24:36,605
Now, Henry, he said,
"We're going to separate from
the Catholic church"
463
00:24:36,649 --> 00:24:38,607
and they stripped
all the Catholic churches.
464
00:24:38,651 --> 00:24:40,827
"We'll take everything, the gold
and tapestries."
465
00:24:40,870 --> 00:24:42,524
They took
all the precious stuff down
466
00:24:42,568 --> 00:24:43,960
and said, "King,
what do we do with it?"
467
00:24:44,004 --> 00:24:46,267
He said, "Put it in
a blender, I'm going to eat it.
468
00:24:46,310 --> 00:24:50,532
'Cause he had this
eating disorder called
"munch too much." And...
469
00:24:50,576 --> 00:24:54,623
Some of us have this
in this world, some of us eat
and when we are sated,
470
00:24:54,667 --> 00:24:57,147
when our hunger is sated, we go,
'That's enough for me."
471
00:24:57,191 --> 00:25:00,586
But Henry VIII, he ate cake mix
and cakes and trees,
472
00:25:00,629 --> 00:25:02,762
helicopters, baked potatoes, ratatouille,
473
00:25:02,805 --> 00:25:04,677
swans, uh...
474
00:25:04,720 --> 00:25:06,722
people from outer space, anything.
475
00:25:06,766 --> 00:25:09,595
He was just... on and on and on.
476
00:25:09,638 --> 00:25:11,727
You've seen these menus
that the kings would eat.
477
00:25:11,771 --> 00:25:14,295
And he became a large lad.
478
00:25:14,338 --> 00:25:16,819
And he married six women,
he married Catherine of Aragon
479
00:25:16,863 --> 00:25:18,908
very arrogant,
that's why she was called that.
480
00:25:18,952 --> 00:25:20,606
Second wife was Anne Boleyn,
481
00:25:20,649 --> 00:25:22,825
who invented the Bowline knot,
very good climber.
482
00:25:22,869 --> 00:25:26,220
Would've climbed Everest but she
didn't know where it was.
483
00:25:26,263 --> 00:25:30,659
Third wife was Sally
from Birmingham, I believe.
484
00:25:30,703 --> 00:25:32,618
She died in a harpoon accident.
485
00:25:32,661 --> 00:25:35,577
Yes, 'cause Henry had been
watching, uh,
486
00:25:35,621 --> 00:25:37,274
Dr. No and Thunderball,
487
00:25:37,318 --> 00:25:39,059
which were medieval plays
at the time.
488
00:25:39,102 --> 00:25:42,062
And in Thunderball, there's
a harpoon scene...
489
00:25:42,105 --> 00:25:45,108
"Ooh, she got the point,"
and that's, uh...
490
00:25:45,152 --> 00:25:47,589
You're not going for this,
are you? But it's true.
491
00:25:47,633 --> 00:25:49,069
It's true.
492
00:25:49,112 --> 00:25:51,593
Fourth wife was Scottish,
Lady Macbeth.
493
00:25:51,637 --> 00:25:52,855
She was always cleaning.
494
00:25:52,899 --> 00:25:55,684
"Just get the blood off this
carpet, Henry.
495
00:25:55,728 --> 00:25:57,904
"Bit of blood on the ceiling
here, as well."
496
00:25:57,947 --> 00:26:00,646
So, he divorced her,
he was scared of her.
497
00:26:00,689 --> 00:26:02,865
Fifth wife had no name,
498
00:26:02,909 --> 00:26:04,345
she was from spaghetti westerns
499
00:26:04,388 --> 00:26:07,696
and he lost her down the back
of the sofa one day.
500
00:26:07,740 --> 00:26:09,655
"I can't find her anywhere."
501
00:26:09,698 --> 00:26:12,701
Sixth wife was Elizabeth.
Of course, she's still
on the throne.
502
00:26:12,745 --> 00:26:14,834
And...
503
00:26:14,877 --> 00:26:16,966
Five hundred years old,
doing very well.
504
00:26:17,010 --> 00:26:18,707
Lost the muscles in her smile,
505
00:26:18,751 --> 00:26:21,623
but she's a fighter.
She's a game-bird.
506
00:26:21,667 --> 00:26:24,147
So, those were the six wives
of Henry VIII.
507
00:26:24,191 --> 00:26:27,847
And Henry VIII of course died,
he exploded. That's how he died.
508
00:26:27,890 --> 00:26:31,633
As you well know,
he ate a mint and exploded.
509
00:26:31,677 --> 00:26:35,158
"Really, was it a big mint
stuck in his throat?"
No, it was a thin mint.
510
00:26:35,202 --> 00:26:37,291
Almost wafer-thin,
some people say.
511
00:26:38,901 --> 00:26:42,209
So, yes, these
are all true things.
512
00:26:42,252 --> 00:26:45,691
But many English kings,
as you probably know,
have exploded.
513
00:26:45,734 --> 00:26:48,868
Henry VIII, exploded,
William the Conqueror, exploded.
514
00:26:48,911 --> 00:26:52,088
King Kenny IX, exploded.
515
00:26:52,132 --> 00:26:55,004
Okay, two kings. That's quite
a lot of kings, isn't it?
516
00:26:55,048 --> 00:26:57,180
So, William the Conqui-bum,
he did explode.
517
00:26:57,224 --> 00:26:59,269
He did, he did, he did.
That's what happened.
518
00:26:59,313 --> 00:27:01,228
So, this is all 1066 stuff.
519
00:27:01,271 --> 00:27:03,273
And 1066, an important date
520
00:27:03,317 --> 00:27:05,188
for the English,
not the British.
521
00:27:05,232 --> 00:27:08,714
Because we lose
the Battle of Hastings in 1066,
522
00:27:08,757 --> 00:27:10,672
but we won
the World Cup that year.
523
00:27:10,716 --> 00:27:13,022
So...
524
00:27:13,066 --> 00:27:15,329
Swings and round-abouts.
525
00:27:15,372 --> 00:27:18,680
A thousand years ago since
we won the football World Cup,
526
00:27:18,724 --> 00:27:22,423
that's how long it seems to us.
527
00:27:22,466 --> 00:27:26,122
But this is all William
of Normandy, back in
the north of France.
528
00:27:26,166 --> 00:27:27,254
Before 1066.
529
00:27:27,297 --> 00:27:28,734
He was eight years old
530
00:27:28,777 --> 00:27:31,998
when he inherited
the dukedom of Normandy.
531
00:27:32,041 --> 00:27:35,915
This is the power list
in the old days, it was king,
most powerful, then Duke,
532
00:27:35,958 --> 00:27:39,745
then Earl, Baron, Viscount...
[MUMBLING]
533
00:27:39,788 --> 00:27:41,834
Bloke in a hedge. Okay?
534
00:27:41,877 --> 00:27:43,792
So, it's right up there.
535
00:27:43,836 --> 00:27:46,882
Very powerful position,
and he was eight. And he was
an illegitimate child.
536
00:27:46,926 --> 00:27:48,405
A bastard child.
537
00:27:48,449 --> 00:27:51,365
His father was Robert
the Magnificent, amazing name.
538
00:27:51,408 --> 00:27:53,410
He was obviously very good
at karaoke.
539
00:27:53,454 --> 00:27:59,242
And when singing one evening,
he obviously fell over
on a spike and died.
540
00:27:59,286 --> 00:28:01,331
And he'd had a child
with a hairdresser,
541
00:28:01,375 --> 00:28:02,768
I believe she was.
542
00:28:02,811 --> 00:28:05,509
Called Veronique
or Sally or Jeff.
543
00:28:05,553 --> 00:28:08,904
And... "Bonjour. Hello.
544
00:28:08,948 --> 00:28:10,819
"What do you do?"
"I am a slave."
545
00:28:10,863 --> 00:28:14,127
"Oh, the Middle Ages, yeah.
What can you do?
546
00:28:14,170 --> 00:28:16,782
"All right, I'll give you short
back and sides.
547
00:28:16,825 --> 00:28:20,742
"Give you one of those
weird haircuts like in
the Bayeux Tapestry.
548
00:28:20,786 --> 00:28:23,179
"So, what you doing
the weekend?"
"Working, I'm a slave."
549
00:28:23,223 --> 00:28:24,703
"Oh, yeah. Slavery.
550
00:28:25,834 --> 00:28:27,880
"What am I like?
551
00:28:27,923 --> 00:28:29,490
"So, where are you going
on your holidays?"
552
00:28:29,533 --> 00:28:31,274
"Nowhere. Slavery." "Oh, yes.
553
00:28:34,190 --> 00:28:35,844
"I'll just shut up, shall I?"
554
00:28:35,888 --> 00:28:38,151
So, this eight-year-old gets
the dukedom of Normandy
555
00:28:38,194 --> 00:28:40,283
and all the barons and viscounts
are pissed off,
556
00:28:40,327 --> 00:28:43,330
going, "Why has this
bastard child inherited
the Duke of Normandy?
557
00:28:43,373 --> 00:28:46,072
"I should be
the Duke of Normandy.
I am Baron Kenny,
558
00:28:46,115 --> 00:28:47,943
"from over there,
left of the chip shop.
559
00:28:47,987 --> 00:28:51,294
"I should be..."
"No, I am Viscount Steve Claude,
560
00:28:51,338 --> 00:28:53,427
"from over the hills
and not too far away."
561
00:28:53,470 --> 00:28:58,388
"Okay, well, one of us,
one of the aristocracy,
not that eight-year-old
562
00:28:58,432 --> 00:29:00,434
"illegitimate child,
what can we do?"
563
00:29:00,477 --> 00:29:02,218
"We could kill him."
564
00:29:02,262 --> 00:29:05,134
"Is that legal?" "You fool,
this is the Middle Ages.
565
00:29:05,178 --> 00:29:08,268
"Laws are fuzzy at the moment."
566
00:29:08,311 --> 00:29:11,488
"Very well, I will kill him
with a knife. No, I will kill
him with a fork.
567
00:29:11,532 --> 00:29:13,447
"No, I will kill him
with a spoon."
568
00:29:13,490 --> 00:29:15,231
"Can you kill people
with spoons?"
569
00:29:15,275 --> 00:29:18,104
"I killed Humpty Dumpty
that way.
570
00:29:18,147 --> 00:29:21,934
"And all the king's horses and
all the king's men, couldn't put
Humpty together again."
571
00:29:21,977 --> 00:29:24,850
"Yes, I did hear this.
572
00:29:24,893 --> 00:29:27,809
"I always wanted to ask you,
why did you ask
all the king's horses
573
00:29:27,853 --> 00:29:30,246
"to try and put Humpty
together again?
574
00:29:30,290 --> 00:29:33,902
"That seemed like a waste
of an afternoon."
575
00:29:33,946 --> 00:29:38,602
"We were testing whether hooves
were good tools to reassemble
eggs that had been broken."
576
00:29:38,646 --> 00:29:40,387
"What were your findings?"
"Not good."
577
00:29:42,868 --> 00:29:44,913
So, they decided to try
and kill the kid.
578
00:29:44,957 --> 00:29:47,916
Now this is true.
All this, everything I've said
so far is true.
579
00:29:47,960 --> 00:29:51,137
Not the Humpty Dumpty bit,
but everything else, right?
580
00:29:51,180 --> 00:29:53,879
So, for ten years,
they try and kill this kid.
581
00:29:53,922 --> 00:29:55,315
[IMITATING SCUFFLING]
582
00:29:56,403 --> 00:29:58,927
On and on...
583
00:29:58,971 --> 00:30:02,191
And he survived for ten years.
584
00:30:02,235 --> 00:30:05,629
He survived 'cause
he learned Krav Maga. Yes, yes.
585
00:30:05,673 --> 00:30:08,632
Martial arts is 95 percent
martial, five percent art.
586
00:30:08,676 --> 00:30:12,158
And that's what he did.
587
00:30:12,201 --> 00:30:15,988
And basically,
you hit people with things,
that's what you do in Krav Maga.
588
00:30:16,031 --> 00:30:18,381
When they're coming towards
you, very Jason Bourne-ish,
589
00:30:18,425 --> 00:30:21,602
you reach out,
grab a frying pan...
[IMITATES PAN CLANGING]
590
00:30:21,645 --> 00:30:24,126
A lot of frying pan moves
in Krav Maga,
591
00:30:24,170 --> 00:30:29,305
which you can see, they all
came from the Looney Tunes
documentaries that Chuck Jones
592
00:30:29,349 --> 00:30:31,873
directed for Warner Bros.
in the '30s.
593
00:30:31,917 --> 00:30:35,572
So, yes, so he survives.
He wins the Battle of
Val-es-Dunes in Normandy.
594
00:30:35,616 --> 00:30:38,227
Which is very famous
in Val-es-Dunes.
595
00:30:38,271 --> 00:30:42,536
And he goes to his mom for
another haircut. "How'd it go?"
"I killed them all, Mom."
596
00:30:42,579 --> 00:30:45,974
"Excellent, well done.
How did you do this?"
"I learned Krav Maga."
597
00:30:46,018 --> 00:30:47,454
"How did you learn that?"
"I bought
598
00:30:47,497 --> 00:30:50,544
"these tapes off a monkey
for two bananas each."
599
00:30:50,587 --> 00:30:52,502
"Very clever.
So, now you have a rest?"
600
00:30:52,546 --> 00:30:54,069
"No. I'm going to
invade England."
601
00:30:54,113 --> 00:30:56,245
"You fool.
You don't have a navy."
602
00:30:56,289 --> 00:31:00,380
He says, "Oh, no." And he runs
down to the army and navy stores
and he goes in, "Hello.
603
00:31:00,423 --> 00:31:04,384
"Do you have any navies left?"
"Well, we have one left.
604
00:31:04,427 --> 00:31:07,082
"We can give you inflatable
mattresses and some pedal boats.
605
00:31:07,126 --> 00:31:09,389
"We got rowing boats,
and one or two speedboats."
606
00:31:09,432 --> 00:31:11,260
"How do they work,
this new speedboat thing?"
607
00:31:11,304 --> 00:31:14,220
"Well, they're just rowboats,
but we've nailed ducks
to the bottom."
608
00:31:15,961 --> 00:31:17,527
"And does it go very fast?"
609
00:31:17,571 --> 00:31:20,530
"Well, you have to get
all your ducks in a row.
But then..."
610
00:31:20,574 --> 00:31:21,618
[AUDIENCE GROANS]
611
00:31:21,662 --> 00:31:22,968
Fuck off. Now...
612
00:31:23,011 --> 00:31:24,926
[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]
613
00:31:26,058 --> 00:31:28,712
Getting a "ducks in a row"
joke into a
614
00:31:28,756 --> 00:31:32,238
piece about 1066, that's...
615
00:31:32,281 --> 00:31:34,675
That doesn't happen every day.
So, fuck off.
616
00:31:36,024 --> 00:31:40,333
No, no, too late, too late.
No, too late.
617
00:31:40,376 --> 00:31:42,639
So, this is 1066.
Bayeux Tapestry stuff,
618
00:31:42,683 --> 00:31:44,467
all the weavers were there
at the battle.
619
00:31:44,511 --> 00:31:48,645
"Slow it down, please.
It's not a bloody video.
620
00:31:48,689 --> 00:31:50,386
"All right, eyes and teeth.
621
00:31:50,430 --> 00:31:52,954
"Just leave them down here.
We'll put 'em in later."
622
00:31:52,998 --> 00:31:56,653
And Harold, famously,
Harold of England died with
a frying pan through the eye,
623
00:31:56,697 --> 00:31:58,438
you've all seen that image.
624
00:31:58,481 --> 00:32:02,007
And King William becomes
King of England for 20 years
625
00:32:02,050 --> 00:32:05,140
and he eats cats and dogs
and trees and helicopters,
baked potatoes,
626
00:32:05,184 --> 00:32:07,708
ratatouille and he becomes huge.
627
00:32:07,751 --> 00:32:10,711
And then in his dying days,
he says, "I will go
628
00:32:10,754 --> 00:32:13,670
"back to Normandy today.
I'll go to the city of Rouen.
629
00:32:13,714 --> 00:32:19,111
"The English will not follow me
to Rouen, because they can't
pronounce Rouen."
630
00:32:19,154 --> 00:32:20,503
I can't, it's very difficult.
631
00:32:20,547 --> 00:32:21,983
And he's there,
he's lying in a bed,
632
00:32:22,027 --> 00:32:24,029
wheezing away, dying,
and he is not beloved,
633
00:32:24,072 --> 00:32:26,205
he's be-hated.
It's like Stalin dying.
634
00:32:26,248 --> 00:32:30,296
It's not nice, but all the
pretenders to the dukedom,
they were all coming going,
635
00:32:30,339 --> 00:32:34,039
"How are you doing, Guillaume?
Are you okey-dokey,
or are you nokey-dokey?
636
00:32:34,082 --> 00:32:38,608
"I will pokey-pokey to test
your okey-dokeyness.
637
00:32:38,652 --> 00:32:40,610
"We'll do the frying pan test."
638
00:32:40,654 --> 00:32:42,090
[IMITATES FRYING PAN CLANGING]
639
00:32:42,134 --> 00:32:44,397
And he's dead.
He's dead there in the bed.
640
00:32:44,440 --> 00:32:46,747
So they all run away
because they hate him
and they just leave him.
641
00:32:46,790 --> 00:32:50,446
They don't bury him and he's
there for about two or three
weeks and that's not good.
642
00:32:50,490 --> 00:32:54,537
Because, you know, when you die,
you stop, but you know,
the tummy keeps going.
643
00:32:54,581 --> 00:32:57,323
The tummy is like the engine
room from the Titanic.
644
00:32:57,366 --> 00:33:01,022
People are going, "Come on,
no news is good news, lads."
645
00:33:03,111 --> 00:33:05,766
And the tummy keeps making gas.
646
00:33:05,809 --> 00:33:08,551
And so the archbishop came up
and said, "My God, he's huge!
647
00:33:08,595 --> 00:33:11,772
"Oh, this is terrible. We must
get him to the church on time.
648
00:33:11,815 --> 00:33:14,209
"Come on, Kenny, Veronique,
help me.
649
00:33:14,253 --> 00:33:16,081
"Monsieur Magoo,
can we use your car?"
650
00:33:16,124 --> 00:33:17,560
And with the help
of Monsieur Magoo,
651
00:33:17,604 --> 00:33:19,780
who was... his eyesight
was not that great,
652
00:33:19,823 --> 00:33:22,783
they got him to the cathedral
in Caen within seven years.
653
00:33:22,826 --> 00:33:25,351
And... probably quicker.
654
00:33:25,394 --> 00:33:28,441
Thank you for laughing,
three people. And...
655
00:33:28,484 --> 00:33:31,835
He's there and they do
a service. In nomine Patris
et Filii et Spiritus Sancti.
656
00:33:31,879 --> 00:33:36,101
[SPEAKING LATIN INCORRECTLY]
Inspectum patronum!
657
00:33:36,144 --> 00:33:39,278
"We're here to bury the kid,
Duke of Normandy,
the King of England.
658
00:33:39,321 --> 00:33:42,107
"What a guy.
What has he achieved,
as we lower him into a coffin.
659
00:33:42,150 --> 00:33:43,673
"Just push down gently there.
660
00:33:43,717 --> 00:33:46,328
"And we say goodbye, old fellow.
661
00:33:46,372 --> 00:33:49,592
"Amazing things you've done.
What can we say, as we get
the lid and we push
662
00:33:49,636 --> 00:33:52,682
"down quite heavily
upon the lid, and...
663
00:33:52,726 --> 00:33:55,642
"Get some butter, I don't know.
664
00:33:55,685 --> 00:34:01,648
"As we lie ourselves
over the coffin like
Nancy Reagan
665
00:34:01,691 --> 00:34:06,783
"and try and push down
upon the..." They couldn't
get him in. This is all true.
666
00:34:06,827 --> 00:34:09,264
And he burst, basically.
667
00:34:09,308 --> 00:34:11,397
Yeah. Yeah, check it up.
668
00:34:11,440 --> 00:34:13,442
And the gas came out,
669
00:34:13,486 --> 00:34:15,792
it made a sound a bit like,
"Bonjour."
670
00:34:18,665 --> 00:34:21,363
The smell apparently
was 149 out of ten
671
00:34:21,407 --> 00:34:27,369
and they apparently did
the fastest last rites ceremony
in the history of Catholicism.
672
00:34:27,413 --> 00:34:30,546
In nomine Patris...
Open the fucking fenetres...
673
00:34:30,590 --> 00:34:33,114
Give me some dog poo,
some dog poo, thank you.
674
00:34:33,462 --> 00:34:35,812
[MUMBLING]
675
00:34:37,510 --> 00:34:39,642
King of England,
Duke of Normandy, what did
he do? Lots of stuff.
676
00:34:39,686 --> 00:34:41,340
All right, put him in a bin.
677
00:34:41,383 --> 00:34:43,385
And they flicked him
out the window.
678
00:34:43,429 --> 00:34:47,259
And he spun in the air,
held for a second and then fell
splosh into a pond
679
00:34:47,302 --> 00:34:50,088
and came third in the Normandy
diving competition.
680
00:34:53,482 --> 00:34:54,918
True story.
681
00:34:58,226 --> 00:35:01,882
I was talking about human beings
before. Now, that's us.
682
00:35:01,925 --> 00:35:04,580
And if you are a human being,
which I assume you are,
683
00:35:04,624 --> 00:35:07,235
very few Martians in tonight.
684
00:35:07,279 --> 00:35:10,238
We don't... we take ourselves
for granted,
685
00:35:10,282 --> 00:35:12,545
we don't think of ourselves
as interesting but we are.
686
00:35:12,588 --> 00:35:15,243
We were just one of
the natural animals in the world
687
00:35:15,287 --> 00:35:18,681
and then we separated.
We became civilized.
688
00:35:18,725 --> 00:35:21,597
They stayed wild.
So, that was the separation.
689
00:35:21,641 --> 00:35:24,209
But they kept fitness with them,
but we kept cake
690
00:35:24,252 --> 00:35:26,211
and daytime television.
691
00:35:26,254 --> 00:35:28,256
That was the deal we did.
692
00:35:28,300 --> 00:35:31,259
They are so fit, aren't they?
Like tigers...
693
00:35:31,303 --> 00:35:33,914
[GROWLS]
694
00:35:33,957 --> 00:35:37,178
If they're hunting, they creep
up with their Pilates
695
00:35:37,222 --> 00:35:39,049
slash yoga.
696
00:35:39,093 --> 00:35:43,228
Creepy-crawly.
It's amazing and they attack
with the speed of a train.
697
00:35:43,271 --> 00:35:47,275
You never see a crap tiger, have
you? You never see a tiger...
698
00:35:47,319 --> 00:35:49,625
[LAZY GROWL]
699
00:35:50,017 --> 00:35:51,758
[COUGHS]
700
00:35:57,807 --> 00:36:00,767
"What's that, mate? No,
the hunt. I'm ready for
the hunt, I'm always ready.
701
00:36:00,810 --> 00:36:02,334
Born ready, I'm a tiger.
702
00:36:02,377 --> 00:36:04,336
"Yeah, oh, they're going...
[SPITS]
703
00:36:06,381 --> 00:36:07,730
"Shouldn't have done that.
704
00:36:07,774 --> 00:36:10,951
"Hang on.
I've just burnt my foot.
705
00:36:10,994 --> 00:36:14,346
"Padre, you got any Savlon?
Plasters?
706
00:36:15,303 --> 00:36:16,957
"Save a bit for me!
707
00:36:17,000 --> 00:36:18,828
"Yeah, no, uh...
708
00:36:18,872 --> 00:36:21,614
"Buffalo wing...
709
00:36:21,657 --> 00:36:25,313
"Not gonna get
any breakfast now.
This is no good. Tony!
710
00:36:31,319 --> 00:36:33,016
"Bring us a couple of boxes,
will you mate?
711
00:36:34,235 --> 00:36:37,325
"The one with a free armchair,
yeah, one of that."
712
00:36:37,369 --> 00:36:40,546
You remember the old days,
when we used to read
the cereal packets
713
00:36:40,589 --> 00:36:42,678
as if they were mobile phones?
714
00:36:42,722 --> 00:36:45,725
God, we would read
the whole of that thing.
715
00:36:45,768 --> 00:36:48,380
We're eating our food and going,
716
00:36:48,423 --> 00:36:51,034
"Riboflavin, thiamine
and niacin.
717
00:36:51,078 --> 00:36:54,560
"I am so glad to have
got that stuff inside me."
718
00:36:54,603 --> 00:36:58,346
Those cereals are full of
riboflavin, thiamine and niacin.
719
00:36:58,390 --> 00:37:02,481
And in my teenage years,
I thought, "These are important
things to get inside you."
720
00:37:02,524 --> 00:37:06,354
And in my adult years,
I've never once heard
anyone say, "This kid is dying!
721
00:37:06,398 --> 00:37:08,661
"Get a shovelful of riboflavin
inside of him."
722
00:37:10,402 --> 00:37:12,273
Just they're not mentioned,
are they? What are they?
723
00:37:13,361 --> 00:37:15,755
Ah, but anyway, the fitness
724
00:37:15,798 --> 00:37:17,800
intrigued me,
of the wild animals.
725
00:37:17,844 --> 00:37:19,976
When I realized
that they were all fit.
726
00:37:20,020 --> 00:37:24,590
So, in 2009, what I thought was
I am going to try and get some
of that fitness back,
727
00:37:24,633 --> 00:37:26,635
because as a kid,
I was a run-about-y kid
728
00:37:26,679 --> 00:37:29,421
and I thought, "I want some
of that back." So, I started
running these marathons
729
00:37:29,464 --> 00:37:31,336
and I ran 43 in 51 days
730
00:37:31,379 --> 00:37:34,426
in the UK and 27 marathons
in 27 days in South Africa.
731
00:37:40,040 --> 00:37:42,869
Now, I'm only mentioning them
in order to big myself up.
732
00:37:44,784 --> 00:37:46,438
But they seem quite impressive.
733
00:37:46,481 --> 00:37:48,527
They're somewhat
impressive, they're not
that impressive,
734
00:37:48,570 --> 00:37:50,616
but my theory is,
anything I can do,
735
00:37:50,659 --> 00:37:53,096
you can do bett... Anything
I can do, you can do similar.
736
00:37:53,140 --> 00:37:56,361
Anything I can do, you can do
a little bit worse, hopefully.
737
00:37:56,404 --> 00:37:59,364
Otherwise it'll make what I did
look so easy.
738
00:37:59,407 --> 00:38:01,366
But the first ten marathons
are hard.
739
00:38:01,409 --> 00:38:04,064
If you do multiple marathons,
ten in a row, that is hard.
740
00:38:04,107 --> 00:38:07,372
After that, it gets easier
because the brain is... "Ah,
741
00:38:07,415 --> 00:38:09,983
"we do marathons,
that's what we do."
742
00:38:10,026 --> 00:38:11,680
That's why the first ten
are hard.
743
00:38:11,724 --> 00:38:14,422
So, if you're ever doing
that, just...
744
00:38:14,466 --> 00:38:17,773
Just do ten and then you're...
745
00:38:17,817 --> 00:38:19,688
But I made it an adventure.
That's another thing.
746
00:38:19,732 --> 00:38:23,779
If life is hard, if whatever
you're doing is hard,
make it an adventure.
747
00:38:23,823 --> 00:38:26,608
There's always down bits
as well as up bits.
748
00:38:26,652 --> 00:38:28,741
And it's easier to deal with
because adventures,
749
00:38:28,784 --> 00:38:30,743
then there will be
a story about it.
750
00:38:30,786 --> 00:38:32,397
You could regale
people at night.
751
00:38:32,440 --> 00:38:34,877
"Did I tell you when I had to go
down to the shops
752
00:38:34,921 --> 00:38:36,401
"and get soup?
753
00:38:36,444 --> 00:38:38,881
"And it was terribly difficult.
754
00:38:38,925 --> 00:38:41,928
"Because there was a force
three gale wind..."
[MUMBLES]
755
00:38:42,755 --> 00:38:44,626
Just something.
756
00:38:44,670 --> 00:38:47,586
That doesn't quite work.
Force three,
that's just a gentle wind.
757
00:38:49,544 --> 00:38:52,025
That's not a gale, is it?
Anyway, so,
758
00:38:52,068 --> 00:38:55,376
I was thinking, when did I have
my first adventure? And it was
with my mother.
759
00:38:55,420 --> 00:38:58,510
Now, my mom and dad
met in the city of Aden
760
00:38:58,553 --> 00:38:59,815
in the country of Yemen.
761
00:38:59,859 --> 00:39:01,730
And it was a British colony.
762
00:39:01,774 --> 00:39:05,517
The British, we took it.
We took the port of Aden.
763
00:39:05,560 --> 00:39:09,434
The British called it Aiden but
it's a bit weird, they obviously
got there and said...
764
00:39:09,477 --> 00:39:11,740
Our ancestors got there
and said, "Hi.
765
00:39:11,784 --> 00:39:14,700
"Where's this place?"
"This place is Aden."
766
00:39:14,743 --> 00:39:17,616
"Well, we'd like to own it."
"Oh."
767
00:39:17,659 --> 00:39:21,881
"We're going to call it Aiden."
"But it's Aden."
768
00:39:21,924 --> 00:39:24,710
"No, we'll call it Aiden.
Brighter A."
769
00:39:24,753 --> 00:39:28,148
"Well, it is actually Aden."
"Do you have a flag?"
770
00:39:31,194 --> 00:39:34,372
So, I think it was that basis,
the fact that we had flags
and guns.
771
00:39:36,069 --> 00:39:37,766
Where's this fucking fly?
772
00:39:39,638 --> 00:39:43,468
We got hair spray for the fly,
we haven't got fly spray.
773
00:39:43,511 --> 00:39:45,121
So, at some point,
774
00:39:45,165 --> 00:39:49,561
I will destroy the fly,
but he's moving quite fast.
775
00:39:49,604 --> 00:39:51,127
Anyway, I'll give him
a lot of hair spray.
776
00:39:51,171 --> 00:39:53,434
And then he'll either go,
"Hey, this looks great."
777
00:39:55,262 --> 00:39:58,221
Or he'll go, "I can't fly
anymore, I'm all sticky."
778
00:40:00,528 --> 00:40:02,617
Can't see him now.
Okay, here we go.
779
00:40:02,661 --> 00:40:06,447
Um, so... What was I... Oh, yes.
780
00:40:07,840 --> 00:40:10,538
So, my parents met in Aden,
in Yemen,
781
00:40:10,582 --> 00:40:12,975
and they were married there
in '59,
782
00:40:13,019 --> 00:40:15,151
and my brother was born in '60,
I was born in '62.
783
00:40:15,195 --> 00:40:18,851
And then we left in '63, Dad
said, "We gotta get out of here,
there's a revolution coming.
784
00:40:18,894 --> 00:40:21,201
"We're gonna go
to Northern Ireland."
"All right, Dad."
785
00:40:22,507 --> 00:40:24,683
Yes.
786
00:40:24,726 --> 00:40:28,774
Now, we got to Northern Ireland
in '63, we left in '67, just
before it all kicked off in '69.
787
00:40:28,817 --> 00:40:32,952
We always left before
everything kicked off. That was
kind of an Izzard trait.
788
00:40:32,995 --> 00:40:35,781
Not planning, just,
Dad just kept moving
789
00:40:35,824 --> 00:40:37,565
and things started happening.
790
00:40:37,609 --> 00:40:39,828
Um, not because of us,
we didn't do anything.
791
00:40:41,569 --> 00:40:43,615
Now, we sounded like this,
this is my point.
792
00:40:43,658 --> 00:40:46,182
From the south-east of England,
you get to Northern Ireland,
793
00:40:46,226 --> 00:40:49,490
um, and Mom sounds like this
and my brother sounds like this.
794
00:40:49,534 --> 00:40:51,623
And all the local kids are,
"Who are you?
795
00:40:51,666 --> 00:40:54,234
"What are you doing here?
Are you from Yemen?
796
00:40:54,277 --> 00:40:58,543
"Is that south of the border?
I think that is.
797
00:40:58,586 --> 00:41:01,110
"We're gonna throw mud at cars,
wanna throw mud at cars?"
798
00:41:02,198 --> 00:41:04,462
"Uh, yeah, okay." And...
799
00:41:05,767 --> 00:41:08,553
And I was into sugar,
I loved sugar.
800
00:41:08,596 --> 00:41:10,816
You know, recovering
sugar-holic, now.
801
00:41:10,859 --> 00:41:14,820
And most of my day in my
youngers years was spent going,
802
00:41:14,863 --> 00:41:17,692
"Mummy, can I have a glass
of lemonade? Can I have another
glass of lemonade, Mummy?
803
00:41:17,736 --> 00:41:22,523
"Can I get a bottle of lemonade
strapped to my head and
drip-fed into me?"
804
00:41:22,567 --> 00:41:26,222
After three months, it changed.
I was going, "Mother!
805
00:41:27,876 --> 00:41:30,096
[IN IRISH ACCENT] "Can I get
a glass of lemonade, now?
806
00:41:30,139 --> 00:41:33,969
"I think that would be
sufficient to quench my thirst.
807
00:41:36,015 --> 00:41:38,539
"And in the negotiations
between you
808
00:41:38,583 --> 00:41:42,021
"as my mother and I as a child,
809
00:41:42,064 --> 00:41:47,287
"I feel a glass of lemonade
would ease the passage
of detente
810
00:41:47,330 --> 00:41:49,637
"and make this agreement work
and function,
811
00:41:49,681 --> 00:41:53,206
"in a way of the socio-economic
situation at the moment.
812
00:41:53,249 --> 00:41:57,297
"I dunno what I'm talking about
here, but get us a glass
of lemonade, will you?
813
00:41:57,340 --> 00:41:59,604
"Ulster says yes to lemonade,
814
00:41:59,647 --> 00:42:01,562
"and no to not lemonade."
815
00:42:05,218 --> 00:42:08,743
So, apparently my mother
was freaked out by this.
816
00:42:08,787 --> 00:42:11,659
And so, she encouraged...
'cause if your parents
sound one thing
817
00:42:11,703 --> 00:42:13,661
and the kids sound different,
that's a little odd.
818
00:42:13,705 --> 00:42:17,186
So, my mother was probably
encouraging us to,
"How now brown cow."
819
00:42:17,230 --> 00:42:19,188
[MUMBLES]
820
00:42:20,102 --> 00:42:23,018
"How now brown cow."
821
00:42:23,062 --> 00:42:25,891
[MUMBLES]
822
00:42:25,934 --> 00:42:29,634
Anyway, we stayed in the fold
of sounding like this.
823
00:42:29,677 --> 00:42:30,939
But, um,
824
00:42:30,983 --> 00:42:34,726
we would sound Irish
outside of the house
825
00:42:34,769 --> 00:42:37,729
and English inside the house.
We would code switch
at the front door.
826
00:42:37,772 --> 00:42:40,601
A friend of the family
just told me this, this year.
827
00:42:40,645 --> 00:42:43,386
My dad never told me that.
My dad had told him
828
00:42:43,430 --> 00:42:45,127
that he'd listen at the door
and could hear us
829
00:42:45,171 --> 00:42:47,608
talking Irish outside the house,
with an Irish accent,
830
00:42:47,652 --> 00:42:49,175
and English inside the house.
831
00:42:49,218 --> 00:42:51,351
So, probably after six months,
832
00:42:51,394 --> 00:42:54,006
I was going, "Mummy, can I have
another glass of lemonade?
833
00:42:54,049 --> 00:42:56,661
"Thank you. Oh, does
anybody else, outside? Okay.
834
00:42:56,704 --> 00:42:59,620
[IN IRISH ACCENT]
"Anybody else want
a glass of lemonade there?
835
00:42:59,664 --> 00:43:01,709
"Seamus, Headey, Kenny?
836
00:43:03,319 --> 00:43:06,627
"Stevie Nicks, Patrick Pearse?
837
00:43:07,280 --> 00:43:09,238
"Konrad Ardenauer?
838
00:43:09,282 --> 00:43:10,936
"The Pope?
839
00:43:10,979 --> 00:43:14,330
"Stevie Nicks and the Pope
would like a glass of red wine.
840
00:43:14,374 --> 00:43:16,332
"Everyone else would rather have
milk and coffee."
841
00:43:18,204 --> 00:43:21,381
And then my brother went off
in 1965
842
00:43:21,424 --> 00:43:23,383
to Ballyholme primary school
843
00:43:23,426 --> 00:43:25,124
to practice his vowels.
844
00:43:25,167 --> 00:43:27,779
And I was left at home with Mum,
845
00:43:27,822 --> 00:43:30,433
and she said one day,
"We're gonna go on an adventure.
"An adventure, Mum?
846
00:43:30,477 --> 00:43:32,697
"How do we do that?"
"You're gonna get on
your brother's bicycle.
847
00:43:32,740 --> 00:43:34,829
"We put the training wheels
back on, the stabilizers.
848
00:43:34,873 --> 00:43:38,441
"And we're gonna put a little
box at the back, get provisions
from the local shops."
849
00:43:38,485 --> 00:43:40,052
That was my first adventure.
850
00:43:40,095 --> 00:43:42,663
And off I went on a little
bicycle with little
training wheels.
851
00:43:54,283 --> 00:43:57,199
If you remember, ten degrees
to the vertical.
That's how we do it.
852
00:43:57,243 --> 00:43:59,767
It's supposed to get you in
the middle, didn't it?
853
00:43:59,811 --> 00:44:02,074
Bu you just didn't trust
that middle bit, so you'd...
854
00:44:07,949 --> 00:44:11,126
I remember this, going down
a pathway, went over a bridge,
over a stream.
855
00:44:11,170 --> 00:44:13,738
Up another pathway and into
the shop and then Mum said,
856
00:44:13,781 --> 00:44:17,219
"We'll have some butter, eggs,
flour, sugar.
We're gonna make a cake.
857
00:44:17,263 --> 00:44:20,396
"We're gonna make
a bouncy castle for hamsters."
858
00:44:20,440 --> 00:44:23,051
So, uh, yes...
859
00:44:23,095 --> 00:44:26,228
So, running marathons, I'll tell
you how the first ten go.
860
00:44:26,272 --> 00:44:31,407
This is how... If you ever want
to run ten marathons in ten
days. Good laugh at the back.
861
00:44:33,061 --> 00:44:35,716
A lot of people are going,
"I'm not going to do that."
862
00:44:36,848 --> 00:44:39,241
Just in case there's a bear
chasing you,
863
00:44:39,285 --> 00:44:41,809
every day,
864
00:44:41,853 --> 00:44:45,378
regular time, "The bear
is back. Oh, my God,
better do another run."
865
00:44:45,421 --> 00:44:49,425
First marathon, I think everyone
here could run, walk, stagger
a marathon.
866
00:44:49,469 --> 00:44:52,124
I think you could do it, it's...
867
00:44:52,167 --> 00:44:56,128
Give yourself 20 hours,
it won't look pretty, but you
could get it done.
868
00:44:56,171 --> 00:44:58,870
The second and third marathons
you will get for free.
869
00:44:58,913 --> 00:45:01,089
Because the brain goes,
"Oh, this is a nightmare.
870
00:45:01,133 --> 00:45:03,091
"I'm still in bed."
And you're...
871
00:45:05,877 --> 00:45:08,531
The brain cannot catch up
with you.
872
00:45:08,575 --> 00:45:11,317
Now the fourth to the tenth
marathon are pretty evil,
873
00:45:11,360 --> 00:45:14,189
and I do remember
the seventh marathon,
874
00:45:14,233 --> 00:45:17,540
I was running at literally
this speed.
875
00:45:17,584 --> 00:45:21,327
It was really just sort of
crab-walking along.
876
00:45:21,370 --> 00:45:25,418
And I looked back, a family
had joined me and there was
a young girl with them.
877
00:45:25,461 --> 00:45:27,855
And she was about ten and I was
878
00:45:27,899 --> 00:45:29,770
sort of pretending to run.
879
00:45:29,814 --> 00:45:31,772
She was just walking along
880
00:45:33,818 --> 00:45:35,471
with a couple of dogs.
881
00:45:35,515 --> 00:45:39,780
And I noticed it and I thought,
"I'm not running very fast."
882
00:45:39,824 --> 00:45:43,262
But I got it done, I just kept
going and got it done.
That's what I did.
883
00:45:43,305 --> 00:45:45,830
And some of it was tough,
up and down, I remember
884
00:45:45,873 --> 00:45:47,962
in the city of Bath,
the south and west of England,
885
00:45:48,006 --> 00:45:50,312
it's very upsy-downsy.
Brassknocker Hill,
they have.
886
00:45:50,356 --> 00:45:52,140
It goes on and on and on.
887
00:45:52,184 --> 00:45:55,230
And I had gone up that
and gone down and gone up,
888
00:45:55,274 --> 00:45:56,797
I was staggering up the hill,
not even
889
00:45:56,841 --> 00:45:58,930
pretending to walk,
I was just staggering.
890
00:45:58,973 --> 00:46:01,410
And a guy came out of a house,
it was one of those
891
00:46:01,454 --> 00:46:03,848
wonderful houses
with a secret garden
892
00:46:03,891 --> 00:46:05,850
and a door in the garden
and he came out and, "Oh,
893
00:46:05,893 --> 00:46:07,547
I could see into it."
He was in his 60s.
894
00:46:07,590 --> 00:46:09,897
And when people see me running,
or anyone running,
895
00:46:09,941 --> 00:46:12,857
I think they feel compelled
to say something
896
00:46:12,900 --> 00:46:14,510
and it quite often
comes out wrong.
897
00:46:14,554 --> 00:46:16,861
He saw me and said,
898
00:46:16,904 --> 00:46:18,993
"I think you're supposed to be
running, aren't you?"
899
00:46:28,089 --> 00:46:30,178
I think you're supposed to be
dying, aren't you?
900
00:46:30,222 --> 00:46:32,137
I mean...
901
00:46:32,180 --> 00:46:35,575
I... It just seems wrong.
902
00:46:35,618 --> 00:46:38,404
Usually they say, "Come on."
Fuck off!
903
00:46:39,361 --> 00:46:41,363
I've been running for... Forever.
904
00:46:41,407 --> 00:46:43,888
And they won't believe you.
After about 18 marathons,
905
00:46:43,931 --> 00:46:46,542
it became surreal.
You get in and say,
906
00:46:46,586 --> 00:46:48,849
"Ah, can I have a cup of tea,
please?"
907
00:46:48,893 --> 00:46:51,330
"Where have you come from?"
"Oh, I've run from London.
908
00:46:51,373 --> 00:46:54,159
It's my 18th marathon." They go,
"All right, it's tea,
is it, then?"
909
00:46:54,202 --> 00:46:55,943
And they just...
910
00:46:55,987 --> 00:46:57,989
It's as if I said,
"I've just eaten a car.
911
00:46:59,468 --> 00:47:01,383
"I'm from Mars, can I have...
912
00:47:01,427 --> 00:47:03,864
"Can I have a cup of tea?"
They wouldn't believe you.
913
00:47:04,822 --> 00:47:07,912
So, you get tired,
angry, pissed off.
914
00:47:07,955 --> 00:47:09,827
You go,
"This hill goes on forever."
915
00:47:09,870 --> 00:47:12,394
But you're never scared,
you're never going,
"I could fall into a hedge
916
00:47:12,438 --> 00:47:15,136
and die of hedge disease."
917
00:47:15,180 --> 00:47:16,877
But, um,
918
00:47:16,921 --> 00:47:19,140
but since then I've started
sea swimming...
919
00:47:19,184 --> 00:47:21,142
Now, sea swimming,
doing training for sea swimming,
920
00:47:21,186 --> 00:47:23,623
it's scary, it's um...
921
00:47:23,666 --> 00:47:26,408
On the beach it's fine,
isn't it? On the beach it's,
"Throw me the ball."
922
00:47:26,452 --> 00:47:28,933
"I'll throw you the ball."
923
00:47:28,976 --> 00:47:30,456
[CHUCKLING]
924
00:47:30,499 --> 00:47:33,024
"I'm in the water up to
my knees. What am I like?"
925
00:47:36,984 --> 00:47:39,334
"Do you want an ice cream?
I'll get a Magnum and hold up
a bank
926
00:47:39,378 --> 00:47:41,467
"and we can have as many
ice creams as we want."
927
00:47:43,643 --> 00:47:45,384
But 50 meters into the sea,
928
00:47:45,427 --> 00:47:47,038
50 yards, 50 meters out there...
929
00:47:48,691 --> 00:47:50,389
[IMITATING WAVES]
930
00:47:50,432 --> 00:47:52,260
That's all you're doing,
hour after hour.
931
00:47:52,304 --> 00:47:55,002
Face in the water,
out of the water, in the water,
out of the water.
932
00:47:55,046 --> 00:47:57,004
And every time you come out
of the water, you're taking
a breath.
933
00:47:57,048 --> 00:47:58,919
If you don't get the breath,
you die.
934
00:47:58,963 --> 00:48:01,269
So, it's a little bit stressful,
you see?
935
00:48:01,313 --> 00:48:04,316
And every time your face
comes out, you look
for the safety boats,
936
00:48:04,359 --> 00:48:06,927
if the safety boat is with you.
If you can't see it,
you're dead.
937
00:48:06,971 --> 00:48:10,409
See, 'cause they've gone off.
"We're going off to go
shopping or something."
938
00:48:11,671 --> 00:48:15,109
And the tensions are higher
939
00:48:15,153 --> 00:48:19,026
and the boat in the sea
would have a course
that it was going on.
940
00:48:19,070 --> 00:48:22,943
And the current would move it,
so it would auto-correct,
sometimes it would go like,
941
00:48:22,987 --> 00:48:26,468
then it would move this way
and I'd be going...
942
00:48:26,512 --> 00:48:31,169
"It's going away.
Catch up with the boat.
943
00:48:31,212 --> 00:48:34,999
"It's coming back towards me.
Get away from the boat."
944
00:48:36,522 --> 00:48:38,741
It was worrying.
945
00:48:38,785 --> 00:48:42,180
And then there's jellyfish,
they sting you, they sting me,
they sting anyone.
946
00:48:42,223 --> 00:48:45,400
They are Nazis of the sea world.
947
00:48:45,444 --> 00:48:47,098
They have no moral compass,
948
00:48:47,141 --> 00:48:49,274
they have no
geographical compass,
949
00:48:49,317 --> 00:48:52,625
they really don't know
much about compasses.
950
00:48:52,668 --> 00:48:56,063
Then there's seagulls.
You may know that seagulls
follow boats out to the sea.
951
00:48:56,107 --> 00:48:59,110
Every day, we'd go out
for training and the seagulls
would follow out.
952
00:48:59,153 --> 00:49:03,592
And the seagulls, they follow
boats 'cause they usually
chuck rubbish over the side
953
00:49:03,636 --> 00:49:06,639
and then the seagulls go,
"Oh, rubbish."
954
00:49:06,682 --> 00:49:11,165
And then they fly down and they
swim around and eat it
with knife and fork.
955
00:49:11,209 --> 00:49:16,127
And then they go, "Ah, lovely
mange of rubbish."
956
00:49:16,170 --> 00:49:19,043
But I think when they were
following us,
957
00:49:19,086 --> 00:49:22,002
I think they thought
I was rubbish.
958
00:49:22,046 --> 00:49:25,179
'Cause I was very slow-moving.
"Hey, he's nearly dead."
959
00:49:27,138 --> 00:49:29,401
And 'cause two of them,
three of them were flying
960
00:49:29,444 --> 00:49:32,404
and then after a while two
of them were flying and one
of them was swimming behind me.
961
00:49:32,447 --> 00:49:36,277
He was literally just
doing this, like a duck.
962
00:49:36,321 --> 00:49:39,063
And I looked round and saw him
at one point and he was going...
963
00:49:41,500 --> 00:49:45,678
Kinda like someone
in a spy movie, he was...
964
00:49:52,380 --> 00:49:54,382
Like he was looking in
a shop window.
965
00:49:59,344 --> 00:50:02,129
"Lovely weather."
966
00:50:02,173 --> 00:50:04,566
Then I start swimming again
and he goes...
967
00:50:06,177 --> 00:50:08,701
Waiting. God.
And then there's the vomit.
968
00:50:08,744 --> 00:50:11,791
I'm pretty good at vomit.
There's a song that goes,
"Trains and boats and planes."
969
00:50:11,834 --> 00:50:13,532
And I have thrown up
on all of those.
970
00:50:13,575 --> 00:50:16,448
But if you added to trains
and boats and planes,
old ladies,
971
00:50:16,491 --> 00:50:18,754
I have thrown up on those.
I have thrown up on an old lady.
972
00:50:18,798 --> 00:50:21,279
If your gran or your aunty
973
00:50:21,322 --> 00:50:23,585
was on the train to Penrith
in 1974
974
00:50:23,629 --> 00:50:26,110
and got thrown up on,
that was me.
975
00:50:26,153 --> 00:50:29,765
I don't remember this,
my brother assures me it's true.
976
00:50:29,809 --> 00:50:32,377
So, I think it was true and...
977
00:50:32,420 --> 00:50:37,295
I have... The bones in my
inner ear don't know
what's going on.
978
00:50:37,338 --> 00:50:40,385
And I thought when
you're swimming, you're driving
979
00:50:40,428 --> 00:50:43,736
the vehicle, so you're gonna be
okay. But no,
980
00:50:43,779 --> 00:50:46,565
I still need to take
sea-sickness tablets,
981
00:50:46,608 --> 00:50:48,219
which I didn't even know about.
982
00:50:48,262 --> 00:50:51,091
And normally when you throw up,
you're planted, aren't you?
983
00:50:51,135 --> 00:50:55,139
You're kinda locked down there,
there's a sink, a toilet,
a basin, a hat.
984
00:50:55,182 --> 00:50:59,317
Or, once in the hospital A&E
I was given
985
00:50:59,360 --> 00:51:02,842
a kidney dish, which is a thing
they put instruments in,
it's about that big.
986
00:51:02,885 --> 00:51:05,062
And I looked at them and I said,
"Really?
987
00:51:05,888 --> 00:51:08,630
"That's a launchpad.
988
00:51:08,674 --> 00:51:12,286
"I think the CIA use these
to throw up around corners."
989
00:51:17,465 --> 00:51:21,861
But I was doing this training
swim and swimming along
and I feel this...
990
00:51:21,904 --> 00:51:23,645
I'm gonna throw up,
991
00:51:23,689 --> 00:51:26,605
and I was in the sea,
treading water, and when
you throw up then,
992
00:51:26,648 --> 00:51:28,433
it's not good, 'cause you go...
993
00:51:28,476 --> 00:51:30,261
[RETCHES]
994
00:51:35,744 --> 00:51:38,530
And I could feel fish around me
going, "Oh, my God.
995
00:51:41,446 --> 00:51:44,275
"Oh, he's British? Oh, I see.
996
00:51:44,318 --> 00:51:45,928
"Oh, this is Brexit,
997
00:51:45,972 --> 00:51:47,495
"where you throw up
on your own head?
998
00:51:47,539 --> 00:51:49,410
"Ah, yes, I understand."
999
00:51:51,934 --> 00:51:54,372
So, yes, but now, I keep fit,
1000
00:51:54,415 --> 00:51:56,461
that's what I do, I decided
match-fit for life.
1001
00:51:56,504 --> 00:51:59,551
That's what we should all do.
I encourage you to do that,
you probably won't.
1002
00:51:59,594 --> 00:52:03,685
But it's what the wildies
are doing.
Oh, those old wildies.
1003
00:52:03,729 --> 00:52:05,339
And they do look pretty good,
don't they?
1004
00:52:05,383 --> 00:52:07,950
Very few crap tigers,
as I mentioned.
1005
00:52:07,994 --> 00:52:09,865
So, um, so I was training.
1006
00:52:09,909 --> 00:52:11,780
I was doing a training thing.
I normally do
1007
00:52:11,824 --> 00:52:14,566
fast, high-intensity
interval training.
1008
00:52:14,609 --> 00:52:18,483
But sometimes I'll just drop
a few marathons.
1009
00:52:18,526 --> 00:52:21,660
So, I was running
seven marathons in seven days
for seven brothers.
1010
00:52:21,703 --> 00:52:25,577
And it was in Sussex, where I
1011
00:52:25,620 --> 00:52:27,405
hailed from for half of my life,
1012
00:52:27,448 --> 00:52:31,322
and I was running down the A-22,
went past a big house
in the country.
1013
00:52:31,365 --> 00:52:35,239
Big house with
walls and big driveway,
one of those big solid gates.
1014
00:52:35,282 --> 00:52:38,242
As I went past the solid gates
of the driveway,
1015
00:52:38,285 --> 00:52:40,548
there was a dog, obviously,
behind the gate.
1016
00:52:40,592 --> 00:52:43,856
I couldn't see him.
The dog went...
[IMITATES BARKING]
1017
00:52:43,899 --> 00:52:47,251
as dogs have done since
the dawn of time.
1018
00:52:47,294 --> 00:52:51,255
And for the first time
I suddenly thought, "What is
this dog trying to say?"
1019
00:52:51,298 --> 00:52:53,431
If I could inject
FOXP2 into him,
1020
00:52:53,474 --> 00:52:56,260
what would he be trying to say?
And I assume a dog
1021
00:52:56,303 --> 00:53:00,612
would be going,
"Thief, thief or a burglar.
Thief slash burglar.
1022
00:53:00,655 --> 00:53:03,267
"Assassin, behind the gates.
They're here!
1023
00:53:03,310 --> 00:53:05,312
"Listen to me, I know what
I'm talking about. I'm a dog.
1024
00:53:05,356 --> 00:53:08,446
"Hello.
[BARKING]
1025
00:53:08,489 --> 00:53:11,275
"You say that I am the dog
that cried woof, but...
1026
00:53:11,318 --> 00:53:13,277
"Really.
1027
00:53:13,320 --> 00:53:15,322
"This is important. Now!"
1028
00:53:15,366 --> 00:53:17,542
Dogs are so sure, aren't they?
They're so insistent.
1029
00:53:17,585 --> 00:53:18,934
[IMITATES BARKING]
1030
00:53:18,978 --> 00:53:20,980
You've never heard
a hesitant dog, have you?
1031
00:53:21,023 --> 00:53:23,287
You've never heard
of an unsure dog,
1032
00:53:23,330 --> 00:53:25,289
going, "Woof?
1033
00:53:27,900 --> 00:53:29,380
"Is that a woof?
1034
00:53:29,423 --> 00:53:31,251
"Are you an assassin?
1035
00:53:32,339 --> 00:53:35,299
"Hello, are you an assassin?
I'm a dog, here.
1036
00:53:35,342 --> 00:53:38,302
"And the owner of my house,
he employs me,
1037
00:53:38,345 --> 00:53:42,393
"sort of, to do a survey on
the people coming by
the front gate.
1038
00:53:43,872 --> 00:53:46,353
"Do you follow? Hello?
Are you still with me?
1039
00:53:46,397 --> 00:53:48,964
"And so if you're an assassin,
I must come and kill you
1040
00:53:49,008 --> 00:53:51,967
"by tearing out your throat
with my teeth.
1041
00:53:52,011 --> 00:53:54,448
"But if you're
a little old lady,
well, then, good luck to you.
1042
00:53:55,884 --> 00:53:57,799
"You see my dilemma.
1043
00:53:57,843 --> 00:53:59,888
"Are you still there?"
1044
00:53:59,932 --> 00:54:02,848
It doesn't seem that that's
the conversation dogs
are having. They're just go...
1045
00:54:02,891 --> 00:54:04,937
[BARKING] "Assassins!
1046
00:54:06,852 --> 00:54:10,899
"Motherfuck... Oh, God, why has
thou forsaken me?
1047
00:54:10,943 --> 00:54:14,903
"Dad, come. Kill them,
kill them now.
1048
00:54:14,947 --> 00:54:16,601
"Kill them all.
1049
00:54:16,644 --> 00:54:18,385
"I'm a dog."
1050
00:54:18,429 --> 00:54:20,779
Seems like every dog has joined
a right-wing party.
1051
00:54:21,910 --> 00:54:23,912
And based on very little information,
1052
00:54:23,956 --> 00:54:25,740
they seem to be absolutely sure.
1053
00:54:25,784 --> 00:54:27,786
"Assassins!
1054
00:54:28,917 --> 00:54:31,442
"Assassins!
1055
00:54:31,485 --> 00:54:36,664
"Assassins slash immigrants
are here!
1056
00:54:36,708 --> 00:54:39,885
"I am right because I am loud."
1057
00:54:39,928 --> 00:54:42,757
And then the owner comes out,
"What the hell is going on?"
1058
00:54:42,801 --> 00:54:44,629
"Assassins."
1059
00:54:44,672 --> 00:54:47,762
"Assassins, are you sure?"
"Of course I'm sure,
I'm a dog, motherfucker."
1060
00:54:49,677 --> 00:54:52,114
"Well, how many assassins?"
"Two." "Two?"
"Thousand."
1061
00:54:52,158 --> 00:54:54,378
"2,000?"
1062
00:54:54,421 --> 00:54:56,075
"Well, 1,527."
1063
00:54:56,118 --> 00:54:58,469
"And you're sure you saw them?"
"I saw them with my ears.
1064
00:55:00,471 --> 00:55:02,560
"It's a dog thing,
we're like bats."
1065
00:55:03,822 --> 00:55:05,432
"What?"
1066
00:55:05,476 --> 00:55:07,434
"Just get a gun. Shoot them!
1067
00:55:07,478 --> 00:55:11,569
"Shoot them all, take them now!"
1068
00:55:11,612 --> 00:55:13,397
"I haven't got a gun,
I'm British."
1069
00:55:13,440 --> 00:55:18,489
"Well, go on a spaceship
to America very quickly
for story purposes..."
1070
00:55:18,532 --> 00:55:20,708
"The Americans won't give me
a gun, there will be
background checks."
1071
00:55:20,752 --> 00:55:22,493
"No, there won't.
1072
00:55:26,453 --> 00:55:28,847
"They give Exocet missiles
to three-year-olds."
1073
00:55:30,022 --> 00:55:31,719
"That is true."
1074
00:55:31,763 --> 00:55:33,808
So, off he goes to get a gun
and the dog continues.
1075
00:55:33,852 --> 00:55:37,377
[BARKING]
1076
00:55:37,421 --> 00:55:41,381
And he will continue woofing
until something happens
or until anything happens.
1077
00:55:41,425 --> 00:55:42,948
Just something unusual.
1078
00:55:42,991 --> 00:55:45,472
A cat sneezing,
a dog back-firing.
1079
00:55:46,865 --> 00:55:48,649
A rabbit imploding,
1080
00:55:48,693 --> 00:55:51,652
a snail playing the banjo, anything.
1081
00:55:51,696 --> 00:55:54,176
[BARKING]
1082
00:55:54,220 --> 00:55:55,874
[IMITATES RUSTLING]
1083
00:55:57,615 --> 00:55:59,660
"What?
1084
00:55:59,704 --> 00:56:01,401
"What was that?
1085
00:56:01,967 --> 00:56:03,882
[BLOWS RASPBERRY]
1086
00:56:06,537 --> 00:56:09,148
"Where was I? Now, oh, yes,
woof woof woof, thank you.
1087
00:56:09,975 --> 00:56:12,499
[BARKING]
1088
00:56:12,543 --> 00:56:16,547
"Oh, no, what have I stood in?
1089
00:56:16,590 --> 00:56:18,723
"Who would do that?
1090
00:56:18,766 --> 00:56:21,900
"Who would leave a steaming pile
of that there,
1091
00:56:21,943 --> 00:56:23,815
"just walk away,
no forwarding address?
1092
00:56:25,512 --> 00:56:26,992
"Who would do that?
1093
00:56:28,210 --> 00:56:30,169
"I would do that.
1094
00:56:31,736 --> 00:56:33,607
"This is my own poo.
1095
00:56:34,565 --> 00:56:36,697
"The irony.
1096
00:56:36,741 --> 00:56:38,177
"The horror.
1097
00:56:38,220 --> 00:56:40,484
"The irony. I have stood
in my own poo.
1098
00:56:40,527 --> 00:56:42,660
"I am hoisted
by my own poo-tard.
1099
00:56:44,575 --> 00:56:47,491
"Oh, God, what can I do?
I must get rid of this.
1100
00:56:47,534 --> 00:56:51,016
"Right, let's try
and get rid of this.
1101
00:56:51,059 --> 00:56:54,933
"Is this what Michael Jackson
did? Is this how he learned
1102
00:56:54,976 --> 00:56:58,719
"how to Moonwalk? By standing
in his own poo..."
1103
00:56:59,807 --> 00:57:02,027
And then the owner comes back.
"I got a gun."
1104
00:57:02,070 --> 00:57:03,768
"You do what now?"
1105
00:57:03,811 --> 00:57:05,900
"I've got a gun for the
assassins." "Assassins?
1106
00:57:05,944 --> 00:57:09,121
"You have seen assassins?"
"No, you saw assassins.
1107
00:57:09,164 --> 00:57:11,863
"You said you saw 1,527."
1108
00:57:11,906 --> 00:57:15,214
"Uh... really? I said that?"
1109
00:57:15,257 --> 00:57:17,216
"You said you saw them
with your ears."
1110
00:57:17,259 --> 00:57:20,001
"That doesn't even make sense.
1111
00:57:20,045 --> 00:57:23,614
"I don't think this was me,
I think this was Kenny."
1112
00:57:23,657 --> 00:57:27,792
"Who is Kenny?"
"Kenny is a jellyfish, comes
around here when it rains.
1113
00:57:27,835 --> 00:57:30,055
"Yes, we found poo though.
Yeah, we found poo.
1114
00:57:30,098 --> 00:57:32,274
"It's assassin's poo.
Pretty sure
it's assassin's poo.
1115
00:57:32,318 --> 00:57:35,016
"Shoot the poo.
1116
00:57:35,060 --> 00:57:36,975
"Shoot it, shoot the poo,
shoot it!
1117
00:57:37,018 --> 00:57:39,760
"Take the shot. Shoot it!
1118
00:57:39,804 --> 00:57:41,719
"Shoot the poo.
You can't handle the poo.
1119
00:57:41,762 --> 00:57:44,243
"Can you? Shoot it.
1120
00:57:44,286 --> 00:57:46,854
[IMITATES EXPLOSION]
"You shot the poo.
1121
00:57:47,594 --> 00:57:49,683
"The poo is dead.
1122
00:57:49,727 --> 00:57:52,164
"Long live the poo."
1123
00:57:52,207 --> 00:57:55,254
Now everything I have said
as the character of the dog,
1124
00:57:55,297 --> 00:57:57,517
that is what is going on
1125
00:57:57,561 --> 00:57:59,606
in Donald Trump's mind.
1126
00:57:59,650 --> 00:58:01,565
All the time.
1127
00:58:06,352 --> 00:58:10,269
I was talking about
the ancient gods.
1128
00:58:10,312 --> 00:58:13,272
They are just like the Marvel,
DC comic superheroes.
1129
00:58:13,315 --> 00:58:17,581
They are very similar in their
jealousy and aggression
and all that kind of stuff.
1130
00:58:17,624 --> 00:58:19,191
They're exactly the same except
for spandex.
1131
00:58:19,234 --> 00:58:22,934
More spandex in the modern ones.
Less spandex more loincloth-y
1132
00:58:22,977 --> 00:58:25,066
in the ancient ones.
But out of all of them,
1133
00:58:25,110 --> 00:58:27,068
my analysis out of all of them,
1134
00:58:27,112 --> 00:58:30,594
Batman is the best because
he has psychological problems.
1135
00:58:30,637 --> 00:58:32,639
It's much more mature.
He's not from a planet, Bat,
1136
00:58:32,683 --> 00:58:35,642
he's not bitten by a bat,
he's got psychological problems,
1137
00:58:35,686 --> 00:58:38,602
which is a much more advanced
kind of idea.
1138
00:58:38,645 --> 00:58:40,299
So, his story was,
he was eight years old
1139
00:58:40,342 --> 00:58:44,172
and his parents died
and he inherited
the dukedom of Normandy.
1140
00:58:46,392 --> 00:58:48,133
In financial equivalence.
1141
00:58:48,176 --> 00:58:50,918
Just a lot of cash, right? His
parents died in a tragic thing,
1142
00:58:50,962 --> 00:58:53,660
they fell on spikes
and exploded. And...
1143
00:58:53,704 --> 00:58:56,968
But a few days after that,
he gets attacked
by a whole load of bats.
1144
00:58:57,011 --> 00:59:02,756
And little Bruce Wayne is going,
"God damn it, this is a bad week
for me."
1145
00:59:02,800 --> 00:59:07,979
But then he keeps getting these
nightmares. Nightmares of bats.
"Too many bats, man."
1146
00:59:08,022 --> 00:59:12,200
And then when he's 18 years old,
he says, " I must fight these
bats in my belfry."
1147
00:59:12,244 --> 00:59:14,289
And he becomes...
1148
00:59:14,333 --> 00:59:16,117
[IN DEEP VOICE]
Batman!
1149
00:59:16,161 --> 00:59:18,642
With a very deep voice.
1150
00:59:18,685 --> 00:59:22,123
But he's still Bruce Wayne,
he looks like Bruce Wayne,
so he has to adopt
1151
00:59:22,167 --> 00:59:25,126
a slightly higher cadence
in his voice, have you seen
the films?
1152
00:59:25,170 --> 00:59:27,912
[IN HIGH-PITCHED VOICE]
"Hello, I'm Bruce Wayne,
how are you?
1153
00:59:27,955 --> 00:59:31,002
"No, I am not Batman,
he has a deeper voice.
1154
00:59:31,045 --> 00:59:32,612
"We have a similar shape, but
1155
00:59:32,656 --> 00:59:35,659
"we use the same trainer,
I believe, that's why.
1156
00:59:35,702 --> 00:59:38,357
"Oh, I do like the Bee Gees.
1157
00:59:38,400 --> 00:59:42,187
"Particularly their '70s work
where they started
to look more like owls."
1158
00:59:45,756 --> 00:59:49,237
So, as you know, Batman has
the power of a man,
the power of a bat.
1159
00:59:49,281 --> 00:59:52,632
And he wears the mask
of a bat. Disguised as a bat.
1160
00:59:52,676 --> 00:59:56,201
And he has a belt here
with all the travel stuff
you get at airports.
1161
00:59:56,244 --> 00:59:58,943
There's little sprays and little
creams and stuff.
1162
00:59:58,986 --> 01:00:00,771
And he's against bad people,
wherever they are.
1163
01:00:00,814 --> 01:00:02,773
"Are you bad people?
You've done many bad things."
1164
01:00:02,816 --> 01:00:06,080
"We have done bad things,
but that's what we do,
we're bad people."
1165
01:00:06,124 --> 01:00:09,344
"I am your worst nightmare,
for I am the Batman."
1166
01:00:09,388 --> 01:00:11,259
"It's the Batman,
run from the Batman."
1167
01:00:11,303 --> 01:00:13,305
But surely bats
can attack anyone,
1168
01:00:13,348 --> 01:00:15,176
anytime, anyplace, anywhere.
1169
01:00:15,220 --> 01:00:18,963
Could attack anyone all over
the world. It could be
a giraffe in Africa.
1170
01:00:19,006 --> 01:00:21,705
♪ I'm a giraffe in Africa
1171
01:00:21,748 --> 01:00:24,055
♪ Just munching the leaves
from the trees
1172
01:00:24,098 --> 01:00:27,145
♪ And talking to the birds
and the bees ♪
1173
01:00:27,188 --> 01:00:29,887
"Fucking hell,
what's all these bats doing?
1174
01:00:29,930 --> 01:00:32,367
"Too many bats,
why are you attacking..."
1175
01:00:33,368 --> 01:00:35,153
"Bat giraffe.
1176
01:00:36,763 --> 01:00:38,460
"Power of a giraffe,
power of a bat.
1177
01:00:38,504 --> 01:00:40,288
"Disguised as a bat.
1178
01:00:40,332 --> 01:00:42,029
"Travel section."
1179
01:00:42,073 --> 01:00:44,075
Against bad giraffes
wherever they may be.
1180
01:00:44,118 --> 01:00:47,426
"You giraffe, you've taken
far too many leaves.
1181
01:00:47,469 --> 01:00:51,343
"But I am your worst nightmare,
for I am Bat Giraffe."
1182
01:00:51,386 --> 01:00:54,041
"It's Bat Giraffe, run from
the Bat Giraffe."
"I'm coming to get you."
1183
01:00:58,785 --> 01:01:00,091
Or maybe a crocodile.
1184
01:01:00,134 --> 01:01:03,137
♪ I'm a crocodile just swimming
down the Nile
1185
01:01:03,181 --> 01:01:05,749
♪ Trying to rhyme with Nile
1186
01:01:05,792 --> 01:01:07,489
♪ And all the whiles
1187
01:01:07,533 --> 01:01:11,058
♪ That's quite difficult
if I file my teeth ♪
1188
01:01:11,102 --> 01:01:13,757
"Fucking hell, bats!
What are these bats doing?
1189
01:01:13,800 --> 01:01:15,933
"Underwater bats?
That's very unusual."
1190
01:01:18,457 --> 01:01:20,154
"Bat Crocodile.
1191
01:01:21,155 --> 01:01:23,462
"Power of a crocodile,
power of a bat."
1192
01:01:23,505 --> 01:01:25,246
That's really just a crocodile,
isn't it?
1193
01:01:25,290 --> 01:01:27,945
In a Halloween mask.
1194
01:01:27,988 --> 01:01:31,905
I don't think the bat skills
will really help that crocodile
do anything
1195
01:01:31,949 --> 01:01:34,429
that the crocodile
couldn't already do.
1196
01:01:34,473 --> 01:01:36,518
But of course,
there's one animal
1197
01:01:36,562 --> 01:01:40,087
that I think you would like
to see the adventures of if it
was attacked by a bat.
1198
01:01:40,131 --> 01:01:43,308
I think you would watch
the films, you'd read the books.
I would too.
1199
01:01:43,351 --> 01:01:45,745
And those would be
the adventures of...
1200
01:01:46,833 --> 01:01:49,096
Bat-bat.
1201
01:01:49,140 --> 01:01:51,272
♪ I'm a fruit bat
I'm a fruit bat
1202
01:01:51,316 --> 01:01:53,187
♪ And at every night at three
1203
01:01:53,231 --> 01:01:54,972
♪ I go out looking for
strawberries
1204
01:01:55,015 --> 01:01:57,496
♪ But we don't find them
'cause you can't see
shit at night
1205
01:01:57,539 --> 01:02:00,412
♪ You can't see shit at night
1206
01:02:00,455 --> 01:02:04,242
♪ So, I don't know why we're
not day bats, day bats
1207
01:02:04,285 --> 01:02:07,767
♪ Day bats would see more
strawberries but night bats
we don't see any
1208
01:02:07,811 --> 01:02:09,769
♪ That's probably why
we are so trim ♪
1209
01:02:09,813 --> 01:02:11,815
"Fucking hell, lads,
I'm on your side.
1210
01:02:11,858 --> 01:02:14,339
"Why are you attacking...
It doesn't make any..."
1211
01:02:15,340 --> 01:02:17,429
"Bat-bat.
1212
01:02:17,472 --> 01:02:19,474
"Power of a bat, power of
another bat. Two-bat power.
1213
01:02:20,475 --> 01:02:22,390
"Disguised as himself.
1214
01:02:23,304 --> 01:02:25,480
"Travel section.
1215
01:02:25,524 --> 01:02:27,831
"Against bad bats, wherever
they may be.
1216
01:02:27,874 --> 01:02:30,137
"You bats, you've taken
far too many bananas."
1217
01:02:30,181 --> 01:02:33,010
"We have indeed, we'll sell
these bananas to a monkey
we know.
1218
01:02:33,053 --> 01:02:34,315
"He will...
1219
01:02:34,359 --> 01:02:36,274
"He will give us tapes,
we will learn German."
1220
01:02:37,362 --> 01:02:39,843
[SPEAKING GERMAN]
1221
01:02:39,886 --> 01:02:43,107
"But I am your worst nightmare."
[SPEAKING GERMAN]
1222
01:02:43,150 --> 01:02:45,239
Ich bin Bat-bat.
1223
01:02:45,283 --> 01:02:47,285
"You are a bad bat?"
1224
01:02:47,328 --> 01:02:50,114
"No, I am Bat-bat,
with two T's."
1225
01:02:50,157 --> 01:02:52,333
"Your grammar's atrocious,
bat has only one T."
1226
01:02:52,377 --> 01:02:55,815
"No, it's bat. B-A-T-B-A-T,
you see.
1227
01:02:57,295 --> 01:02:59,427
"Just like
Boutros Boutros-Ghali.
1228
01:02:59,471 --> 01:03:02,343
"It's a bit like..."
"Oh, so you work for the UN?"
1229
01:03:02,387 --> 01:03:04,911
"I did work there,
I was in the canteen,
1230
01:03:04,955 --> 01:03:07,261
"but there's no... you can't
really get a promotion.
1231
01:03:08,654 --> 01:03:10,830
"It doesn't go canteen
to diplomat. There's a...
1232
01:03:12,919 --> 01:03:14,051
"Oh, fuck off."
1233
01:03:21,623 --> 01:03:24,191
But finally tonight,
I'm gonna leave you
1234
01:03:24,235 --> 01:03:26,280
with the story of imagination.
1235
01:03:26,324 --> 01:03:28,239
Now, talking plus imagination,
equals us.
1236
01:03:28,282 --> 01:03:31,895
That's my analysis of
the distillation of humanity.
1237
01:03:31,938 --> 01:03:33,940
Talking without imagination
is just this.
1238
01:03:33,984 --> 01:03:35,855
"Well, I went down the road
and went in the shops today.
1239
01:03:35,899 --> 01:03:38,205
"Went and I bought
some soup. I bought the soup
and paid for the soup.
1240
01:03:38,249 --> 01:03:40,904
"I came back and I cooked
the soup and I ate the soup
and I went to bed."
1241
01:03:40,947 --> 01:03:42,557
That's talking
without imagination.
1242
01:03:42,601 --> 01:03:44,385
Imagination without talking
is more like...
1243
01:03:44,429 --> 01:03:47,171
[MUMBLING WITH ENTHUSIASM]
1244
01:03:48,955 --> 01:03:51,044
But we have imagination.
We do, oh, we do.
1245
01:03:51,088 --> 01:03:52,872
We have written books
with our imagination.
1246
01:03:52,916 --> 01:03:56,615
Books from Beowulf up to a book
that was written recently.
1247
01:03:56,658 --> 01:03:58,965
And one of those books was
Lord of the Rings.
1248
01:03:59,009 --> 01:04:01,272
Written by J.R.R. Tolkien.
1249
01:04:01,315 --> 01:04:05,450
Who, as you know, was born
J.R.R.R.R.R.R. Tolkien.
1250
01:04:05,493 --> 01:04:08,279
In Bloemfontein, South Africa.
1251
01:04:08,322 --> 01:04:11,935
And he grew up there
in the 1800s,
in his first few years.
1252
01:04:11,978 --> 01:04:15,329
And he would say to his mother,
"Mother, are we South African?"
"We are South African."
1253
01:04:15,373 --> 01:04:17,201
"J.R.R. to the power of nine.
1254
01:04:17,244 --> 01:04:18,985
"We are indeed."
1255
01:04:21,422 --> 01:04:23,381
"Is this an Afrikaans accent?"
1256
01:04:23,424 --> 01:04:25,644
"It is indeed
an Afrikaans accent."
1257
01:04:25,687 --> 01:04:29,430
"So, are we racist?" "Well, we
are only as racist as any other
white person in the 1800s.
1258
01:04:29,474 --> 01:04:32,999
"'Cause most people are,
unfortunately, racist people."
1259
01:04:33,043 --> 01:04:35,045
"That is not so good, Mum."
"No, it's not."
1260
01:04:35,088 --> 01:04:37,090
"And will we get less racist
in South Africa?"
1261
01:04:37,134 --> 01:04:39,005
"Well, actually we'll get
more racist.
1262
01:04:39,049 --> 01:04:41,529
"In 1948,
we will start Apartheid.
1263
01:04:41,573 --> 01:04:44,141
"But then that will eventually
finish in 1994.
1264
01:04:44,184 --> 01:04:47,274
"Nelson Mandela will become
the first Black president
of South Africa.
1265
01:04:47,318 --> 01:04:50,321
"And he will encourage us to win
the Rugby World Cup.
We win it three times.
1266
01:04:50,364 --> 01:04:53,977
"And the third time, a Black
captain will raise the cup and
that will be a wonderful day."
1267
01:04:54,020 --> 01:04:56,109
"Excellent news, Mum.
How do you know this?"
1268
01:04:56,153 --> 01:04:57,676
"A transvestite
told me about this.
1269
01:04:58,720 --> 01:05:01,375
"He was from the future."
1270
01:05:01,419 --> 01:05:05,162
"Transvestite?"
"Well, transgender,
he changed the...
1271
01:05:05,205 --> 01:05:08,730
"The language changes
over the period of time."
1272
01:05:08,774 --> 01:05:11,342
"Mum, what has happened to Dad?"
"Oh, Dad has exploded
1273
01:05:11,385 --> 01:05:13,170
"and fallen on a spike.
1274
01:05:13,213 --> 01:05:16,042
"We must leave South Africa,
J.R.R. to the power of nine.
1275
01:05:16,086 --> 01:05:18,479
"We're gonna go to Birmingham,
in England."
1276
01:05:18,523 --> 01:05:20,960
"Why there?"
"It is the next logical
place to go.
1277
01:05:22,266 --> 01:05:25,269
"In the chess game of life."
1278
01:05:25,312 --> 01:05:28,141
So, as you may know, he moved
to Birmingham, he grew up there.
1279
01:05:28,185 --> 01:05:32,667
The Birmingham accent is much
more like that...
[MUMBLES]
1280
01:05:32,711 --> 01:05:36,149
And so when he's about five
or six, he's got
a completely weird accent.
1281
01:05:36,193 --> 01:05:38,282
Kinda South African,
kinda Birmingham.
1282
01:05:38,325 --> 01:05:41,241
And he realizes he's got
far too many R's in his name.
1283
01:05:41,285 --> 01:05:44,723
And he turns to his mother,
in his new Birmingham,
South African twang,
1284
01:05:44,766 --> 01:05:47,334
and he says to her, "Mother!
1285
01:05:49,336 --> 01:05:50,642
"Oh."
1286
01:05:51,773 --> 01:05:53,688
[MUMBLING]
1287
01:06:00,434 --> 01:06:04,221
His mother replied,
"What the hell did you
just say to me?
1288
01:06:04,264 --> 01:06:07,093
"No one understands that,
that doesn't make any sense.
1289
01:06:07,137 --> 01:06:09,008
"Have another
go at that, J.R.R."
1290
01:06:09,052 --> 01:06:11,141
[MUMBLING]
1291
01:06:17,234 --> 01:06:19,323
"No, that was a bit worse,
if anything.
1292
01:06:21,368 --> 01:06:24,067
"I'll tell you what,
J.R.R. to the power of nine.
1293
01:06:24,110 --> 01:06:27,026
"Why don't you write it all down
in a big book and never
talk again?"
1294
01:06:29,289 --> 01:06:31,509
And that's how
Lord of the Rings
was born.
1295
01:06:32,814 --> 01:06:35,687
[AUDIENCE CHEERING
AND APPLAUDING]
1296
01:06:36,601 --> 01:06:39,647
In that book, he put in
1297
01:06:39,691 --> 01:06:43,129
two bad guys. No one has ever
done two bad guys before.
But he put in two bad guys.
1298
01:06:43,173 --> 01:06:46,350
One was called Sauron,
the other was called Saruman.
1299
01:06:46,393 --> 01:06:49,309
And if you're a dyslexic kid,
1300
01:06:49,353 --> 01:06:51,703
that's the same guy.
1301
01:06:51,746 --> 01:06:54,749
I could not follow
what was going on.
1302
01:06:54,793 --> 01:06:58,579
Would it have been so hard
to have had Sauron and Jeff?
1303
01:07:00,842 --> 01:07:02,801
"I am the wizard Jeff.
1304
01:07:02,844 --> 01:07:05,064
"Not Sauron at all."
1305
01:07:05,108 --> 01:07:07,284
That would've helped, but no,
he didn't do that.
1306
01:07:07,327 --> 01:07:09,808
Now ignore Sauron, if you don't
know the story, ignore Sauron.
1307
01:07:09,851 --> 01:07:11,549
He's an eyeball on a hill.
1308
01:07:12,463 --> 01:07:14,465
Got no arms, no legs,
no eyebrows.
1309
01:07:14,508 --> 01:07:16,467
Chuck a towel over him
and he's toast.
1310
01:07:18,208 --> 01:07:21,863
Now, in the story, if you follow
it, there's Jeff slash Saruman,
1311
01:07:21,907 --> 01:07:26,433
the bad wizard, and he fights
Gandalf, and they fight
with magic wands,
1312
01:07:26,477 --> 01:07:29,610
sticks and frying pans.
1313
01:07:29,654 --> 01:07:32,135
And it goes on for about
ten minutes.
It's quite a good fight.
1314
01:07:32,178 --> 01:07:34,311
And eventually,
Gandalf is overpowered
1315
01:07:34,354 --> 01:07:37,836
'cause Saruman does this trick
of saying, "Is that a budgie
over there?"
1316
01:07:37,879 --> 01:07:40,708
And he knees him in the bollocks
1317
01:07:40,752 --> 01:07:43,450
and Gandalf goes,
"Fucking hell, eh?"
1318
01:07:43,494 --> 01:07:46,149
Because Gandalf grew up
in Liverpool.
1319
01:07:48,629 --> 01:07:52,329
So, then Gandalf's imprisoned
on the top of
the Tower of Isengard,
1320
01:07:52,372 --> 01:07:54,679
which is eight kilometers high,
five miles high.
1321
01:07:54,722 --> 01:07:58,552
And he's up there going,
"I'm imprisoned five miles...
eight kilometers high.
1322
01:07:58,596 --> 01:08:00,728
"Oh...
1323
01:08:00,772 --> 01:08:05,168
"Oh, now I know the difference
between the metric and imperial
system of measurement.
1324
01:08:05,211 --> 01:08:09,172
"And maybe I will use this
five over eight algorithm
1325
01:08:09,215 --> 01:08:12,131
"while I'm running marathons,
maybe to change
1326
01:08:12,175 --> 01:08:14,177
"the distances
between each other,
1327
01:08:14,220 --> 01:08:15,700
"just as a mind exercise."
1328
01:08:17,702 --> 01:08:19,530
I don't... Anyway, so,
Gandalf is up there
1329
01:08:19,573 --> 01:08:21,880
and the weather is atrocious,
if you've seen the film.
1330
01:08:21,923 --> 01:08:24,665
Stormy and crazy and then
a butterfly comes by.
1331
01:08:24,709 --> 01:08:27,668
What on earth a butterfly is
doing eight kilometers up?
1332
01:08:27,712 --> 01:08:30,454
"I am completely lost,
I dunno where...
1333
01:08:30,497 --> 01:08:33,196
"I haven't seen a flower
for ages, I don't know...
1334
01:08:33,239 --> 01:08:35,676
"Oh, look, there's a bloke
in a dress. I'll go and have
a chat with him."
1335
01:08:35,720 --> 01:08:37,722
Gandalf grabs the butterfly,
"Hey, hey."
1336
01:08:37,765 --> 01:08:40,333
And because people can hear,
bad people are around.
1337
01:08:40,377 --> 01:08:42,901
Because bad people are
around, Gandalf
whispers to him, "Hey..."
1338
01:08:42,944 --> 01:08:44,903
[WHISPERING INDISTINCTLY]
1339
01:08:57,307 --> 01:08:59,178
"What?"
1340
01:09:03,878 --> 01:09:07,230
"What did you not understand?"
"I didn't understand
any of that.
1341
01:09:07,273 --> 01:09:08,883
"You didn't seem to be
talking English."
1342
01:09:09,754 --> 01:09:11,886
"I was doing sotto voce."
1343
01:09:11,930 --> 01:09:14,498
"Oh. you're Italian?"
"No, it's, uh...
1344
01:09:14,541 --> 01:09:16,761
"Look, I'll tell you again.
There's two bad guys.
1345
01:09:16,804 --> 01:09:18,719
"One's called Sauron,
the other's called Saruman."
1346
01:09:18,763 --> 01:09:20,504
"This is the same guy?"
"Different guys."
1347
01:09:20,547 --> 01:09:22,810
"Their names...
Just call one of them Jeff."
1348
01:09:24,986 --> 01:09:26,597
"Look, you've got a mission.
1349
01:09:26,640 --> 01:09:28,903
"I want you to go to
Misty Mountains, find an eagle,
1350
01:09:28,947 --> 01:09:30,688
"come back here
and I can escape."
1351
01:09:30,731 --> 01:09:32,864
"Okay, Misty Mountains, eagle,
come back, escape.
1352
01:09:32,907 --> 01:09:35,562
"Where are the Misty Mountains?"
"They're 800 kilometers..."
1353
01:09:35,606 --> 01:09:37,347
"500 miles?"
"Apparently so."
1354
01:09:39,958 --> 01:09:42,308
"Is there a car hire place
near here?" "What?"
1355
01:09:42,352 --> 01:09:45,877
"Well, how am I gonna get
800 kilometers?" "Oh, you fly."
"Oh, there's an airport?"
1356
01:09:45,920 --> 01:09:47,357
"No."
1357
01:09:47,400 --> 01:09:49,707
"Isengard airport?" "No.
1358
01:09:49,750 --> 01:09:51,317
"No, use these things."
1359
01:09:51,361 --> 01:09:53,232
"Oh, these things?
These are beer mats.
1360
01:09:54,407 --> 01:09:56,279
"I'm an ant,
I was hand-gliding."
1361
01:10:03,808 --> 01:10:05,810
"Really?" "Ah...
1362
01:10:08,595 --> 01:10:10,467
"All right. Let's do it.
1363
01:10:10,510 --> 01:10:12,251
"Okay, I'll do this.
Will this be in the film?"
1364
01:10:12,295 --> 01:10:14,819
"Yeah, this bit
will be in the film."
1365
01:10:14,862 --> 01:10:19,693
"So, when I fly,
a butterfly, 800 kilometers,
that's worth filming, yeah?
1366
01:10:19,737 --> 01:10:22,479
"Finding an eagle,
telling an eagle, not being
eaten by an eagle,
1367
01:10:22,522 --> 01:10:24,263
"get the eagle to come back,
pick you up,
1368
01:10:24,307 --> 01:10:26,047
"that's worth filming, yeah?
Being in the film?"
1369
01:10:26,091 --> 01:10:27,571
"Yeah, it could be in the film."
1370
01:10:29,007 --> 01:10:31,314
"Bastard.
1371
01:10:31,357 --> 01:10:32,880
"I'm going anyway.
All right, here goes.
1372
01:10:32,924 --> 01:10:34,882
"Wait, what are you doing?"
"I listen to music.
1373
01:10:34,926 --> 01:10:37,320
"It's a Baby Driver thing,
I gotta...
1374
01:10:37,363 --> 01:10:40,323
"get there. Got a set list."
1375
01:10:40,366 --> 01:10:43,326
[HUMMING DRAMATIC MUSIC]
1376
01:11:05,391 --> 01:11:08,046
After four hours, Gandalf's
going, "I can still see you,
you know?"
1377
01:11:08,089 --> 01:11:10,353
"I'm a fucking butterfly."
1378
01:11:10,396 --> 01:11:13,007
They cut that out of the film.
I have no idea why.
1379
01:11:15,706 --> 01:11:18,448
I'm gonna leave you tonight
by telling Dad's last joke.
1380
01:11:18,491 --> 01:11:21,059
'Cause I came from a family
where there was no religion
at home.
1381
01:11:21,102 --> 01:11:24,410
We just had fun, we had fun,
we had seasons in the sun.
1382
01:11:24,454 --> 01:11:26,978
We used to muck about,
we used to throw mud balls
at passing cars,
1383
01:11:27,021 --> 01:11:28,849
we'd play around, I'd drink
a lot of lemonade
1384
01:11:28,893 --> 01:11:30,808
and eat cake mix
and go on adventures.
1385
01:11:30,851 --> 01:11:32,766
And then at Christmas, Mum would
say, "What do you want
for Christmas?"
1386
01:11:32,810 --> 01:11:34,899
to me and my brother Mark.
We'd write down
1387
01:11:34,942 --> 01:11:37,858
stuff on a piece of paper
and she'd put it in the fire.
1388
01:11:37,902 --> 01:11:39,599
And it would go up the fire,
which I thought was wonderful.
1389
01:11:39,643 --> 01:11:41,906
Dad was obviously on the roof
going, "I can't read this.
1390
01:11:41,949 --> 01:11:44,648
Hello?"
1391
01:11:44,691 --> 01:11:48,521
And so Christmas was like that
and summers were long,
hot summer days.
1392
01:11:48,565 --> 01:11:50,567
And playing in the fields
behind the house.
1393
01:11:50,610 --> 01:11:54,701
And then Mum would make a salad.
Salads were okay for kids.
1394
01:11:54,745 --> 01:11:57,008
But when you smothered it
with that yellow salad cream,
1395
01:11:57,051 --> 01:11:58,662
it tasted pretty good,
1396
01:11:58,705 --> 01:12:00,968
'cause that is apparently sugar
1397
01:12:01,012 --> 01:12:02,927
in a yellow paste.
1398
01:12:02,970 --> 01:12:04,885
But then Mum died,
far too long ago.
1399
01:12:04,929 --> 01:12:08,062
And Dad went on and he had
a good job, he got
a good pension.
1400
01:12:08,106 --> 01:12:10,848
And I said to Dad, "You created
a concrete runway here.
1401
01:12:10,891 --> 01:12:14,591
"And I'm gonna run down
that runway, I'm gonna take off.
I'm gonna take some chances.
1402
01:12:14,634 --> 01:12:16,810
"Because of you, you've given me
that confidence."
1403
01:12:16,854 --> 01:12:19,639
And he said to me, "You've
always had some crazy ideas.
1404
01:12:19,683 --> 01:12:23,513
"But the difference is now,
some of them have worked."
1405
01:12:23,556 --> 01:12:25,819
Which is kind of true.
1406
01:12:25,863 --> 01:12:27,430
So, here it is, Dad's last joke.
1407
01:12:27,473 --> 01:12:29,432
Dad liked hearing jokes
and retelling jokes.
1408
01:12:29,475 --> 01:12:30,824
And he would phone my brother
1409
01:12:30,868 --> 01:12:33,479
and tell him the jokes and laugh
at his own joke.
1410
01:12:33,523 --> 01:12:36,090
He never told me them, he always
told my brother. I think maybe
1411
01:12:36,134 --> 01:12:38,136
he might've thought I might've
marked him on them,
1412
01:12:38,179 --> 01:12:40,965
as a professional comedian.
"That's a good joke, Dad.
1413
01:12:41,008 --> 01:12:43,141
"But the end was a bit fuzzy,
1414
01:12:43,184 --> 01:12:45,143
"um, bit more pacing."
1415
01:12:45,186 --> 01:12:47,188
I dunno why, but I never
heard them.
1416
01:12:47,232 --> 01:12:51,062
But my brother heard them
and he read this joke out
at his funeral last year.
1417
01:12:51,105 --> 01:12:53,107
So, here's Dad's last joke.
1418
01:12:53,151 --> 01:12:55,022
A rabbit goes into
a butcher shop
1419
01:12:55,066 --> 01:12:57,024
and says, "Hello,
do you have any carrots?"
1420
01:12:57,068 --> 01:12:59,549
And the butcher goes, "No,
this is a butcher shop,
we don't have any carrots.
1421
01:12:59,592 --> 01:13:02,726
"We do meats here, that's what
butchers do. There's no carrots
here at all."
1422
01:13:02,769 --> 01:13:05,903
"No carrots at all?
Ah, I was misinformed."
1423
01:13:05,946 --> 01:13:07,600
So, the rabbit goes away.
1424
01:13:07,644 --> 01:13:11,169
Now, the next day, could be
a Tuesday, no one really knows.
1425
01:13:11,212 --> 01:13:15,086
The same rabbit goes to
the butcher, "Hello, do
you have any carrots?"
1426
01:13:15,129 --> 01:13:17,654
Butcher goes, "No this
is a butcher shop.
1427
01:13:17,697 --> 01:13:21,658
"Didn't I tell you this
yesterday? Aren't you the same
rabbit that came in yesterday?
1428
01:13:21,701 --> 01:13:25,792
"Look there's no carrots here.
You need a carrot shop.
Carrots R Us, Marks and Carrots.
1429
01:13:25,836 --> 01:13:29,579
"One of the carrot shops."
"Oh, I need to go? Ah, I see.
1430
01:13:29,622 --> 01:13:32,799
"I didn't quite understand
where... Ah, I will go there."
1431
01:13:32,843 --> 01:13:36,020
So, that was the end of day two.
Day three, same rabbit,
same butcher shop.
1432
01:13:36,063 --> 01:13:38,196
"Hi, there,
do you have any carrots?"
1433
01:13:38,239 --> 01:13:39,719
"No, we don't have
any bloody carrots!
1434
01:13:39,763 --> 01:13:42,592
"I dunno...
You keep coming in,
you keep asking this.
1435
01:13:42,635 --> 01:13:45,856
"You come again, I'm gonna
nail your ears to the wall."
1436
01:13:45,899 --> 01:13:48,075
"Ears to the wall?
That will not help me
1437
01:13:48,119 --> 01:13:50,774
"in my quest for carrots."
1438
01:13:50,817 --> 01:13:52,863
"Well, don't bloody
come in here, then."
1439
01:13:52,906 --> 01:13:54,778
So, the rabbit goes away.
Day four comes along.
1440
01:13:54,821 --> 01:13:56,910
Rabbit does not go
to the butcher shop.
1441
01:13:56,954 --> 01:13:59,086
Day five comes, rabbit does not
go to the butcher shop.
1442
01:13:59,957 --> 01:14:01,524
Sixth day comes along.
1443
01:14:01,567 --> 01:14:03,700
Rabbit goes to the butcher shop.
1444
01:14:03,743 --> 01:14:05,702
"Hi, there,
do you have any nails?"
1445
01:14:06,877 --> 01:14:10,489
"Do I have any nails? No,
I do not have any nails."
1446
01:14:11,142 --> 01:14:12,622
"Right.
1447
01:14:14,580 --> 01:14:16,974
"Do you have any carrots?"
1448
01:14:23,067 --> 01:14:25,243
[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]
1449
01:14:25,286 --> 01:14:27,506
[AUDIENCE CHEERING]
1450
01:14:28,855 --> 01:14:31,205
I think we are so lucky
to have this.
1451
01:14:31,249 --> 01:14:33,556
We are here because we
are lucky enough to be here.
1452
01:14:33,599 --> 01:14:35,601
What is the meaning of life?
There isn't one.
1453
01:14:35,645 --> 01:14:37,516
We have to put meaning into it.
1454
01:14:37,560 --> 01:14:39,518
I think this century,
21st century,
1455
01:14:39,562 --> 01:14:41,825
is a coming-of-age century
for humanity.
1456
01:14:41,868 --> 01:14:43,827
We either are gonna wipe
ourselves off the planet,
1457
01:14:43,870 --> 01:14:46,612
or we're gonna make it a fair
world for 7.5 billion people.
1458
01:14:46,656 --> 01:14:49,136
It's up to us.
If we can do that,
1459
01:14:49,180 --> 01:14:50,877
if we can make that happen,
1460
01:14:50,921 --> 01:14:53,532
it will be Wunderbar.
1461
01:14:54,620 --> 01:14:56,317
[AUDIENCE CHEERING]
1462
01:14:56,361 --> 01:14:58,189
[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]
1463
01:16:01,992 --> 01:16:04,821
So, this has come
from my brother's attic.
1464
01:16:07,040 --> 01:16:09,129
It's a historical game.
1465
01:16:09,173 --> 01:16:11,349
It's also got history to it.
1466
01:16:11,392 --> 01:16:13,177
I talk about it in the show.
1467
01:16:14,395 --> 01:16:16,702
It's called
Waddington's Campaign.
1468
01:16:16,746 --> 01:16:19,009
This is the very one.
1469
01:16:19,052 --> 01:16:21,620
My brother, my father and me
were playing.
1470
01:16:24,754 --> 01:16:27,147
My brother is so competitive
in board games.
1471
01:16:27,191 --> 01:16:30,803
His life is more tranquil,
but board games, any games...
1472
01:16:30,847 --> 01:16:33,719
very competitive. Plays to win.
1473
01:16:33,763 --> 01:16:36,069
I'm amazed how well it's kept.
1474
01:16:36,113 --> 01:16:39,333
Be interesting to see if
there any marks of it
being thrown against a wall.
1475
01:16:40,204 --> 01:16:41,945
A bit battered up there.
1476
01:16:43,947 --> 01:16:46,819
Yeah, there's a thing that Dad
would say,
1477
01:16:46,863 --> 01:16:49,779
particularly in Monopoly,
'cause you get fines
in Monopoly.
1478
01:16:49,822 --> 01:16:53,739
He would get fines and
he'd say, "A mere bagatelle."
1479
01:16:53,783 --> 01:16:58,004
Which was just his saying or
a saying that was out there.
I'd never heard it before.
1480
01:16:58,048 --> 01:17:00,920
And I do remember when I was
running my marathons in the UK,
1481
01:17:00,964 --> 01:17:02,748
I had five marathons to go.
1482
01:17:02,792 --> 01:17:04,402
Already run 38,
only got five to go.
1483
01:17:04,445 --> 01:17:07,710
I just ad-libbed "a mere
bagatelle" to the cameras.
1484
01:17:07,753 --> 01:17:09,842
I thought, "Oh, my dad
used to say that."
1485
01:17:09,886 --> 01:17:12,976
And that's where it came from.
That came from Dad
playing board games.
1486
01:17:13,019 --> 01:17:16,022
Yeah, so now I'm gonna
put this away.
1487
01:17:16,066 --> 01:17:18,895
I don't think I can play
Campaign right this second.
1488
01:17:18,938 --> 01:17:21,811
So, yeah. So fuck off.