1 00:00:02,000 --> 00:00:07,000 Downloaded from YTS.MX 2 00:00:08,000 --> 00:00:13,000 Official YIFY movies site: YTS.MX 3 00:00:14,797 --> 00:00:16,494 ANNOUNCER: Ladies and gentlemen, please put your hands together 4 00:00:16,538 --> 00:00:17,843 for Helen Hong! 5 00:00:17,887 --> 00:00:20,542 [CROWD CLAPPING] 6 00:00:25,242 --> 00:00:26,243 Hi! 7 00:00:34,382 --> 00:00:35,383 Wow! 8 00:00:36,079 --> 00:00:39,082 Holy fucking shit balls. 9 00:00:39,126 --> 00:00:40,997 I haven't been on stage in a year. 10 00:00:41,041 --> 00:00:43,913 [LAUGHING] 11 00:00:43,956 --> 00:00:46,002 I really have not been on stage in a year. 12 00:00:46,046 --> 00:00:49,266 So this is either going to be a miracle or flaming shit show. 13 00:00:49,310 --> 00:00:50,311 Let's do this. 14 00:00:51,399 --> 00:00:53,009 [CROWD CLAPPING] 15 00:00:58,145 --> 00:01:01,496 I learned so much about myself during the pandemic. 16 00:01:01,539 --> 00:01:02,845 That was the one good thing, right? 17 00:01:02,888 --> 00:01:05,456 It was like a time of self discovery. 18 00:01:05,500 --> 00:01:08,503 I learned that nothing on earth, 19 00:01:08,546 --> 00:01:11,767 and I mean literally nothing on earth, 20 00:01:11,810 --> 00:01:14,030 will ever get me to read a book. 21 00:01:14,074 --> 00:01:17,468 Nothing, never. It's not happening. 22 00:01:17,512 --> 00:01:19,209 Didn't happen before the pandemic, 23 00:01:19,253 --> 00:01:21,037 not happening now. 24 00:01:21,081 --> 00:01:24,301 And it's not like I didn't have the time. 25 00:01:24,345 --> 00:01:27,130 So that excuse was complete bullshit. 26 00:01:27,174 --> 00:01:30,525 Yeah. I will get all the way to the end of Netflix 27 00:01:30,568 --> 00:01:34,137 and then start back over at the beginning of Netflix, 28 00:01:34,181 --> 00:01:35,704 rather than crack open a book. 29 00:01:35,747 --> 00:01:37,401 It's just not happening. 30 00:01:37,445 --> 00:01:39,186 And I, you know, I like to think of myself 31 00:01:39,229 --> 00:01:44,234 as an erudite, intelligent, some other smart word 32 00:01:45,714 --> 00:01:47,803 person. But I just have to accept the fact 33 00:01:47,846 --> 00:01:50,022 that I am a dumb trash bag who just don't read. 34 00:01:50,066 --> 00:01:52,112 It's not happening. It's not happening. 35 00:01:54,070 --> 00:01:57,029 I also learned that I have zero ability, 36 00:01:57,073 --> 00:02:01,425 zero ability to tell if someone is hot from here, down. 37 00:02:01,469 --> 00:02:02,470 Oh. 38 00:02:04,385 --> 00:02:06,474 We all encountered this, right? 39 00:02:06,517 --> 00:02:11,261 Covid hot. Hot from the mask up. 40 00:02:11,305 --> 00:02:15,047 Right? You see someone at the grocery store, you're like, oh yeah. 41 00:02:15,091 --> 00:02:17,398 Yes. Look at the eyes on you. 42 00:02:17,441 --> 00:02:19,443 Mmm-hmm. Come on over here. 43 00:02:19,487 --> 00:02:21,750 They pull their masks down and you're like, whoa! 44 00:02:21,793 --> 00:02:24,709 Yikes, woofitywoof. What happened there? 45 00:02:24,753 --> 00:02:26,711 I did not see that nose coming. 46 00:02:26,755 --> 00:02:28,409 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 47 00:02:28,452 --> 00:02:31,412 Look at you. You've got big brown eyes and big brown teeth. 48 00:02:31,455 --> 00:02:32,891 Wow, check that out. 49 00:02:32,935 --> 00:02:34,719 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 50 00:02:34,763 --> 00:02:37,418 We were always told that the eyes were the window to the soul. 51 00:02:37,461 --> 00:02:39,246 That's some bullshit. 52 00:02:39,289 --> 00:02:43,380 Now we know this part of the face was doing all the heavy lifting. 53 00:02:43,424 --> 00:02:45,774 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 54 00:02:45,817 --> 00:02:49,691 Like the mouth and the nose are the unsung heroes of hotness. 55 00:02:49,734 --> 00:02:51,345 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 56 00:02:51,388 --> 00:02:54,478 Because you can see someone with really dark sunglasses 57 00:02:54,522 --> 00:02:56,001 and still tell if they're hot. 58 00:02:56,045 --> 00:02:59,657 But this this is the wild, wild west under here. 59 00:03:00,876 --> 00:03:04,184 Things can go sideways really fast. 60 00:03:04,227 --> 00:03:07,056 And I know I've been tricking people to like, if I'm masked up 61 00:03:07,099 --> 00:03:10,973 and someone way out of my league is hitting on me, I'm like, yo, I just 62 00:03:11,016 --> 00:03:13,932 I just want you to know, I know my eye makeup is on point right now, 63 00:03:13,976 --> 00:03:16,326 but I have my original Korean nose under here. 64 00:03:16,370 --> 00:03:19,721 So manage your expectation. We can still fuck. 65 00:03:19,764 --> 00:03:21,723 I mean, we can still do it. 66 00:03:21,766 --> 00:03:23,464 I have no problem. I can keep the mask on. 67 00:03:23,507 --> 00:03:26,815 You could imagine whatever you want is going on under here. 68 00:03:26,858 --> 00:03:30,384 But it's full disclosure. 69 00:03:30,427 --> 00:03:34,779 I was single when the 'Rona started. And, surprise! Still single. 70 00:03:35,824 --> 00:03:38,348 [CROWD CLAPPING] 71 00:03:38,392 --> 00:03:42,134 I can't believe how many people were dating during the pandemic. 72 00:03:42,178 --> 00:03:45,268 I would talk to people, and I'd be like, wait, you're, you're dating? 73 00:03:45,312 --> 00:03:46,922 Like, how? Like, how does that work? 74 00:03:46,965 --> 00:03:49,881 And they'd be, like, we we go on FaceTime dates. 75 00:03:51,100 --> 00:03:52,710 I'm like, what... 76 00:03:52,754 --> 00:03:54,538 So you're just camgirling each other? 77 00:03:54,582 --> 00:03:58,455 You're just... You're just showing each other body parts 78 00:03:58,499 --> 00:04:01,371 and, like, jerking off at the same time over the phone? 79 00:04:01,415 --> 00:04:03,155 And they're like, no, no, Helen. Come on. 80 00:04:03,199 --> 00:04:06,811 We talk and we get to know each other. 81 00:04:06,855 --> 00:04:10,902 And I'm like, when do you do it? 82 00:04:10,946 --> 00:04:14,863 And they're like, never. I'm like, what? So you're just making a new friend? 83 00:04:14,906 --> 00:04:19,302 What? That's... You're making a pen pal over FaceTime? 84 00:04:19,346 --> 00:04:20,956 That sounds horrible. 85 00:04:20,999 --> 00:04:22,305 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 86 00:04:22,349 --> 00:04:24,568 Talking, that's the worst part of dating. 87 00:04:24,612 --> 00:04:29,094 That's... I don't talk to the friends I have now. 88 00:04:29,138 --> 00:04:31,227 I don't need any more phone buddies. 89 00:04:32,750 --> 00:04:35,318 That's not dating. That's genuine human connection. 90 00:04:35,362 --> 00:04:36,406 Gross. 91 00:04:36,450 --> 00:04:38,582 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 92 00:04:38,626 --> 00:04:41,585 Even the apocalypse will not get me to answer the phone. 93 00:04:42,412 --> 00:04:44,196 And don't get me wrong. 94 00:04:44,240 --> 00:04:46,068 Like during the pandemic, I was, you know, I would think about people 95 00:04:46,111 --> 00:04:48,288 that I hadn't talked to in a couple of years. 96 00:04:48,331 --> 00:04:52,117 And I would reach out. I would text them and be like, hey, I hope you're all right. 97 00:04:52,161 --> 00:04:54,903 Through all this craziness, I hope your family is okay. 98 00:04:54,946 --> 00:04:57,558 Sometimes these people would try to call me back. 99 00:04:59,168 --> 00:05:00,517 Whoa! Hey, come on. 100 00:05:00,561 --> 00:05:03,346 Don't break our trust here. 101 00:05:03,390 --> 00:05:06,741 Okay. We have an unwritten social contract. 102 00:05:06,784 --> 00:05:08,743 I text you, you text me back. 103 00:05:08,786 --> 00:05:10,135 Don't try to call me. 104 00:05:10,179 --> 00:05:12,921 Are you insane? I'm still more afraid of answering 105 00:05:12,964 --> 00:05:15,489 the phone than I am of catching the Corona virus. 106 00:05:15,532 --> 00:05:17,839 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 107 00:05:17,882 --> 00:05:20,798 If I text you and you call me back, I'll assume you're all right. 108 00:05:20,842 --> 00:05:22,365 Your shit's going to voicemail. 109 00:05:22,409 --> 00:05:24,541 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 110 00:05:24,585 --> 00:05:28,806 I have a new type of person that I'm into now because of the pandemic. 111 00:05:28,850 --> 00:05:32,419 Yeah, I'm into doomsday preppers. 112 00:05:32,462 --> 00:05:34,246 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 113 00:05:34,290 --> 00:05:35,596 Yeah. 114 00:05:35,639 --> 00:05:37,598 Remember when we thought doomsday preppers 115 00:05:37,641 --> 00:05:40,122 were just cuckoo pants weirdos? 116 00:05:40,165 --> 00:05:41,993 Like, look at this freak. He's digging 117 00:05:42,037 --> 00:05:43,778 an underground bunker. Pffft. 118 00:05:44,692 --> 00:05:46,694 And then Covid happened. 119 00:05:46,737 --> 00:05:49,610 And we had the great toilet paper crisis. 120 00:05:49,653 --> 00:05:51,133 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 121 00:05:51,176 --> 00:05:55,050 And now I'm like, yeah, climb into this bunker, baby. 122 00:05:55,093 --> 00:05:56,094 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 123 00:05:57,792 --> 00:05:59,228 Now, I'm on Tinder. 124 00:05:59,271 --> 00:06:01,535 If you don't have 30 cases of beans in your basement, 125 00:06:01,578 --> 00:06:02,753 swipe left, asshole. 126 00:06:02,797 --> 00:06:04,581 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 127 00:06:04,625 --> 00:06:06,975 No 2,000 pack of mac and cheese? 128 00:06:07,018 --> 00:06:08,019 Keep it moving. 129 00:06:09,281 --> 00:06:12,197 I want someone who's thinking long term. 130 00:06:12,241 --> 00:06:14,243 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 131 00:06:14,286 --> 00:06:19,422 Because the toilet paper shortage was the scariest part of the pandemic, right? 132 00:06:19,466 --> 00:06:23,339 I mean, people were literally getting into fistfights 133 00:06:23,383 --> 00:06:27,517 at Target over toilet paper. 134 00:06:27,561 --> 00:06:32,043 Which says so much about how spoiled we are as Americans. 135 00:06:32,087 --> 00:06:35,177 None of us thought we were going to starve to death. 136 00:06:35,220 --> 00:06:37,440 But crusty asshole, oh that... 137 00:06:37,484 --> 00:06:38,659 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 138 00:06:39,224 --> 00:06:40,443 That was a fear. 139 00:06:40,487 --> 00:06:41,879 [CROWD CLAPPING] 140 00:06:41,923 --> 00:06:43,185 That was a real fear. 141 00:06:43,228 --> 00:06:46,493 Like the supermarkets never ran out of food. 142 00:06:47,494 --> 00:06:49,539 They always had food. 143 00:06:49,583 --> 00:06:53,413 The only things they were out of were cleaning supplies and TP. 144 00:06:53,456 --> 00:06:55,763 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 145 00:06:55,806 --> 00:06:58,766 My parents thought this was the most ridiculous thing. 146 00:06:58,809 --> 00:07:03,335 My parents both survived almost starving to death 147 00:07:03,379 --> 00:07:06,513 in the middle of the Korean War. So they were, like, 148 00:07:06,556 --> 00:07:08,253 what's with the toilet paper? 149 00:07:08,297 --> 00:07:09,429 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 150 00:07:10,778 --> 00:07:13,345 Do people know that if you shit in your house, 151 00:07:13,389 --> 00:07:15,826 you can just jump in the tub? 152 00:07:15,870 --> 00:07:17,567 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 153 00:07:17,611 --> 00:07:19,613 And wash your asshole? 154 00:07:19,656 --> 00:07:21,310 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 155 00:07:21,353 --> 00:07:23,312 I'm like, whoa, whoa, whoa, Mom and Dad. 156 00:07:23,355 --> 00:07:25,488 We are not a third-world country. 157 00:07:25,532 --> 00:07:26,489 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 158 00:07:27,272 --> 00:07:29,318 We don't wash our butts. 159 00:07:29,361 --> 00:07:30,798 Are you crazy? No. 160 00:07:30,841 --> 00:07:34,062 We get into fistfights at Target like civilized people. 161 00:07:34,105 --> 00:07:35,237 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 162 00:07:36,804 --> 00:07:38,196 I totally got caught up in it. 163 00:07:38,240 --> 00:07:40,938 I got caught up in the TP panic. 164 00:07:40,982 --> 00:07:44,812 I was down to my last roll of Charmin and I freaked out. 165 00:07:45,726 --> 00:07:48,555 I drove down to the hood. 166 00:07:48,598 --> 00:07:51,471 I trekked down to, like, little Guatemala, 167 00:07:52,646 --> 00:07:55,779 and I found a tiny little bodega 168 00:07:55,823 --> 00:07:57,520 and they had toilet paper. 169 00:07:57,564 --> 00:07:58,739 But you know what? 170 00:07:58,782 --> 00:08:00,436 It was in Espanol. 171 00:08:02,090 --> 00:08:03,091 Si. 172 00:08:04,571 --> 00:08:08,052 I snatched up cuatros rollos... 173 00:08:08,096 --> 00:08:09,532 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 174 00:08:09,576 --> 00:08:11,491 ...de papel higienico. 175 00:08:11,534 --> 00:08:13,884 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 176 00:08:13,928 --> 00:08:16,713 And I learned something 177 00:08:16,757 --> 00:08:20,674 very interesting about Spanish-language toilet paper. 178 00:08:20,717 --> 00:08:23,024 A lot of the times it's scented. 179 00:08:26,418 --> 00:08:28,943 Right at the top of my cuatros rollos. 180 00:08:28,986 --> 00:08:31,336 Right at the top it says, "Aroma..." 181 00:08:31,380 --> 00:08:32,990 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 182 00:08:33,034 --> 00:08:34,339 "De... 183 00:08:34,383 --> 00:08:36,211 "Manzanilla." 184 00:08:36,254 --> 00:08:37,908 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 185 00:08:37,952 --> 00:08:39,823 Which I Google translated. 186 00:08:39,867 --> 00:08:43,087 It means "scent of chamomile." 187 00:08:43,131 --> 00:08:44,959 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 188 00:08:45,002 --> 00:08:49,964 I had bought chamomile-flavored toilet paper, 189 00:08:50,007 --> 00:08:54,055 which was disappointing because my asshole prefers a nice Earl Grey. 190 00:08:54,098 --> 00:08:55,491 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 191 00:08:57,188 --> 00:08:59,539 Because it was so stressful. 192 00:08:59,582 --> 00:09:02,324 The pandemic was so stressful. 193 00:09:02,367 --> 00:09:04,848 I was grinding my teeth 194 00:09:04,892 --> 00:09:07,982 so badly, and I learned how bad it had gotten 195 00:09:08,025 --> 00:09:11,159 when I finally made my way back to the dentist. 196 00:09:11,202 --> 00:09:14,989 My dentist, by the way, is a 70-year-old Palestinian man. 197 00:09:15,032 --> 00:09:16,425 So he's seen some shit. 198 00:09:17,644 --> 00:09:19,994 And he's like, "Oh, 199 00:09:22,300 --> 00:09:23,301 "Helen. 200 00:09:25,173 --> 00:09:28,524 "Helen, Helen, Helen. 201 00:09:30,047 --> 00:09:32,746 "You are grinding your teeth. 202 00:09:33,921 --> 00:09:36,010 "Grinding, grinding, grinding, grinding. 203 00:09:36,053 --> 00:09:40,144 "I can tell because your jaw muscles are huge." 204 00:09:40,884 --> 00:09:42,582 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 205 00:09:42,625 --> 00:09:44,801 Guys. I'm jacked in the face. 206 00:09:44,845 --> 00:09:46,542 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 207 00:09:48,718 --> 00:09:50,285 Of all the muscle groups 208 00:09:50,328 --> 00:09:51,982 that I wish were ripped on my body. 209 00:09:52,026 --> 00:09:53,810 Not my abs, not my biceps. 210 00:09:53,854 --> 00:09:55,856 No, I have a yoked head. 211 00:09:55,899 --> 00:09:57,248 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 212 00:09:58,467 --> 00:10:01,513 And nobody thinks a huge jaw is hot. 213 00:10:01,557 --> 00:10:05,082 Come on. Nobody's, like, hey, did you see when she pulled her mask down? 214 00:10:05,126 --> 00:10:08,390 Ooh! Her mandibles are thick. 215 00:10:08,433 --> 00:10:09,609 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 216 00:10:11,088 --> 00:10:13,569 I was so stressed out in the middle of the pandemic. 217 00:10:13,613 --> 00:10:16,659 I tried to make an appointment with my doctor. 218 00:10:16,703 --> 00:10:18,618 And my doctor was, like, whoa, whoa, whoa. 219 00:10:18,661 --> 00:10:20,445 We're only doing telemedicine. 220 00:10:20,489 --> 00:10:22,099 You can't come here. 221 00:10:22,143 --> 00:10:24,928 No, we're we're going to Zoom like everybody else is doing. 222 00:10:24,972 --> 00:10:27,235 You can show me the body part that's wrong with you 223 00:10:27,278 --> 00:10:30,412 over your laptop, and I will diagnose you over the Internet. 224 00:10:30,455 --> 00:10:33,371 I'm, like, that sounds like a security nightmare. 225 00:10:33,415 --> 00:10:36,418 But you know what? 226 00:10:36,461 --> 00:10:38,812 Google already has all the pictures of my tits. 227 00:10:38,855 --> 00:10:39,943 So whatever. 228 00:10:39,987 --> 00:10:41,684 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 229 00:10:41,728 --> 00:10:44,034 So I made this appointment with my doctor, 230 00:10:44,078 --> 00:10:45,601 and I'm, like, Doc, you gotta help me out. 231 00:10:45,645 --> 00:10:47,342 I am not doing well. 232 00:10:47,385 --> 00:10:48,952 I'm, like, not sleeping well. 233 00:10:48,996 --> 00:10:50,519 I'm grinding my teeth. 234 00:10:50,562 --> 00:10:51,825 I'm Asian. 235 00:10:54,218 --> 00:10:55,698 Please help me out. 236 00:10:55,742 --> 00:10:58,745 And my doctor, God bless her, goes, 237 00:11:00,660 --> 00:11:02,313 Helen. 238 00:11:02,357 --> 00:11:06,100 Have you tried meditating? 239 00:11:06,143 --> 00:11:07,928 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 240 00:11:10,278 --> 00:11:13,020 Yeah, bitch. 241 00:11:13,063 --> 00:11:14,717 I live in L.A. 242 00:11:14,761 --> 00:11:16,110 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 243 00:11:17,546 --> 00:11:20,288 I bounce up and down on a fucking yoga ball 244 00:11:20,331 --> 00:11:22,551 in the middle of my living room. 245 00:11:22,594 --> 00:11:26,250 I have fucking Deepak motherfucking Chopra going on in the background. 246 00:11:26,294 --> 00:11:28,165 I'm doing that Tibetan singing bowls. 247 00:11:28,209 --> 00:11:29,732 I've got the incense and the tea. 248 00:11:29,776 --> 00:11:31,952 I've got a yoni egg up in my hooha. 249 00:11:31,995 --> 00:11:34,171 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 250 00:11:34,215 --> 00:11:37,218 Yes, I have heard of fucking meditation. 251 00:11:37,261 --> 00:11:39,481 But guess what? We're in the middle 252 00:11:39,524 --> 00:11:42,614 of the apocalypse right now. There's a global pandemic. 253 00:11:42,658 --> 00:11:44,094 Stand-up comedy is dead. 254 00:11:44,138 --> 00:11:45,792 I have lost half my income. 255 00:11:45,835 --> 00:11:48,751 Asian people are getting randomly attacked in the streets. 256 00:11:48,795 --> 00:11:50,753 I think we're a little bit past meditating, okay? 257 00:11:50,797 --> 00:11:52,973 Give me the fucking drugs, bitch. 258 00:11:53,800 --> 00:11:57,499 [CROWD CLAPPING] 259 00:12:00,067 --> 00:12:03,505 Let's triple up my Lexapro, pile on the Zoloft. 260 00:12:03,548 --> 00:12:05,289 Give me the Xanax crushed 261 00:12:05,333 --> 00:12:08,075 so I can snort it because I need it yesterday. 262 00:12:08,989 --> 00:12:10,860 Stop wasting my fucking time. 263 00:12:10,904 --> 00:12:12,296 Let's do this. 264 00:12:12,340 --> 00:12:14,168 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 265 00:12:16,561 --> 00:12:17,867 She said no. 266 00:12:17,911 --> 00:12:19,129 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 267 00:12:20,870 --> 00:12:24,787 Which is why I'm on 300 CBD edibles right now. 268 00:12:25,875 --> 00:12:27,703 [CROWD CLAPPING] 269 00:12:29,487 --> 00:12:30,532 I feel great. 270 00:12:33,230 --> 00:12:36,930 She goes like this. She's, like, Helen, I'll make you a deal. 271 00:12:36,973 --> 00:12:41,325 I will write you a prescription for five Xanax. 272 00:12:41,369 --> 00:12:44,241 And once you get through the five, you come back and see me. 273 00:12:44,285 --> 00:12:46,766 And if you're doing okay, I'll give you another five. 274 00:12:48,463 --> 00:12:50,508 Five fucking Xanax? 275 00:12:50,552 --> 00:12:53,816 That is what I sprinkle on my cereal in the morning. 276 00:12:53,860 --> 00:12:55,209 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 277 00:12:55,252 --> 00:12:57,037 This bitch thinks five Xanax 278 00:12:57,080 --> 00:12:59,691 is going to last me longer than 42 minutes? 279 00:13:00,954 --> 00:13:02,433 Get the fuck out of here. 280 00:13:04,174 --> 00:13:05,654 So I have a doctor friend. 281 00:13:07,351 --> 00:13:08,657 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 282 00:13:09,832 --> 00:13:11,225 Because I'm Korean. 283 00:13:11,268 --> 00:13:12,792 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 284 00:13:12,835 --> 00:13:14,924 And if we're not one, we know one. 285 00:13:14,968 --> 00:13:16,708 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 286 00:13:16,752 --> 00:13:19,320 So I call my doctor friend. I'm, like, yo, 287 00:13:19,363 --> 00:13:23,063 my doctor is being such a stingy bitch. 288 00:13:23,106 --> 00:13:25,239 She'll only give me five Xanax. 289 00:13:25,282 --> 00:13:27,023 What the fuck? 290 00:13:27,067 --> 00:13:28,546 Like, what is she afraid of? 291 00:13:28,590 --> 00:13:30,157 Like, what does she think is going to happen? 292 00:13:30,200 --> 00:13:33,377 That I end up with no teeth, just sucking dick in an alley? 293 00:13:33,421 --> 00:13:35,379 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 294 00:13:35,423 --> 00:13:37,120 And my friend goes, yeah. 295 00:13:37,164 --> 00:13:39,122 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 296 00:13:39,166 --> 00:13:40,732 Yeah, that's the fear. 297 00:13:40,776 --> 00:13:42,169 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 298 00:13:43,605 --> 00:13:44,867 And I'm like... 299 00:13:44,911 --> 00:13:46,086 [GROANS] 300 00:13:48,566 --> 00:13:49,872 Fine. 301 00:13:52,919 --> 00:13:55,182 Will you give me the Xanax? 302 00:13:55,225 --> 00:13:56,226 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 303 00:13:56,966 --> 00:13:58,272 I have shitty friends. 304 00:14:01,188 --> 00:14:02,450 So I got a dog. 305 00:14:04,104 --> 00:14:06,062 [CROWD CLAPPING] 306 00:14:08,369 --> 00:14:10,066 I was so lucky. 307 00:14:10,110 --> 00:14:13,722 I got a dog just before lockdown happened. 308 00:14:13,765 --> 00:14:15,158 Because, you know, you remember 309 00:14:15,202 --> 00:14:17,552 in the middle of quarantine, you couldn't get a dog. 310 00:14:17,595 --> 00:14:18,814 Dogs were sold out. 311 00:14:20,424 --> 00:14:22,774 It was like TP and then dogs. 312 00:14:22,818 --> 00:14:24,298 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 313 00:14:26,300 --> 00:14:28,084 I got this dog 314 00:14:28,128 --> 00:14:30,913 not so much because of the soothing effects of a dog, 315 00:14:30,957 --> 00:14:34,874 but because I heard that dog Xanax is easier to get... 316 00:14:34,917 --> 00:14:36,963 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 317 00:14:38,138 --> 00:14:39,661 ...than people Xanax. 318 00:14:40,531 --> 00:14:42,707 [CROWD CLAPPING] 319 00:14:42,751 --> 00:14:45,449 Did you guys know that dog Xanax 320 00:14:45,493 --> 00:14:48,713 and people Xanax is the exact same shit? 321 00:14:49,366 --> 00:14:51,455 Yes, same stuff. 322 00:14:51,499 --> 00:14:53,849 You just have to play around with the amounts. 323 00:14:53,893 --> 00:14:55,503 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 324 00:14:56,896 --> 00:14:59,507 Like one pill every one hour for you 325 00:14:59,550 --> 00:15:01,552 is one every seven hours for the dog. 326 00:15:01,596 --> 00:15:04,164 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 327 00:15:04,207 --> 00:15:06,427 And you don't have to wrap the pill in bologna or anything. 328 00:15:06,470 --> 00:15:08,777 You can just take it, just take it. 329 00:15:08,820 --> 00:15:11,301 You don't have to mix it in peanut butter. Just take it. 330 00:15:11,345 --> 00:15:13,303 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 331 00:15:13,347 --> 00:15:16,654 I'm going to have this dog on years and years 332 00:15:16,698 --> 00:15:18,395 of anti-anxiety medication. 333 00:15:18,874 --> 00:15:20,745 Years. 334 00:15:20,789 --> 00:15:23,096 At some point, the vet is going to be, like, 335 00:15:23,139 --> 00:15:26,795 Helen, I think your dog is doing okay. 336 00:15:26,838 --> 00:15:27,970 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 337 00:15:28,014 --> 00:15:30,538 And I'm going to be, like, oh God, no. 338 00:15:31,582 --> 00:15:33,193 No, please. 339 00:15:33,236 --> 00:15:36,022 The dog had a horrible Tinder date last night. 340 00:15:36,065 --> 00:15:37,414 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 341 00:15:38,502 --> 00:15:41,114 The dog has been getting some very racist 342 00:15:41,157 --> 00:15:43,159 comments on its YouTube channel. 343 00:15:43,203 --> 00:15:44,944 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 344 00:15:44,987 --> 00:15:49,209 The dog's mom wants it to marry a Korean doctor. 345 00:15:49,252 --> 00:15:51,385 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 346 00:15:52,995 --> 00:15:54,127 It's my mom, guys. 347 00:15:54,170 --> 00:15:55,345 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 348 00:15:56,956 --> 00:16:00,263 My mom wants me to marry a Korean doctor 349 00:16:00,307 --> 00:16:02,309 because that woman stays on brand. 350 00:16:02,352 --> 00:16:04,180 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 351 00:16:04,224 --> 00:16:07,183 And actually, I don't know what the big deal is with Korean doctors. 352 00:16:07,227 --> 00:16:11,013 I had a Korean doctor for a while, and he was the worst doctor. 353 00:16:12,275 --> 00:16:14,408 He was totally phoning it in. 354 00:16:14,451 --> 00:16:16,758 He was playing Fortnite in the corner, 355 00:16:16,801 --> 00:16:19,369 I was like, dude, I'm naked over here. 356 00:16:19,413 --> 00:16:21,719 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 357 00:16:21,763 --> 00:16:24,157 I actually have a theory about Asian doctors. 358 00:16:24,200 --> 00:16:27,377 It is very controversial so buckle up. 359 00:16:27,421 --> 00:16:28,944 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 360 00:16:28,988 --> 00:16:31,642 I think Asian doctors 361 00:16:31,686 --> 00:16:33,688 are the worst doctors. 362 00:16:33,731 --> 00:16:36,082 And it isn't just because my friend wouldn't give me 363 00:16:36,125 --> 00:16:38,214 the fucking Xanax. 364 00:16:38,258 --> 00:16:41,391 By the way, this is a theory that I can have and you can have 365 00:16:41,435 --> 00:16:44,177 and maybe she can have, and none of the fucking rest of you can have. 366 00:16:44,220 --> 00:16:45,743 [CROWD CLAPPING] 367 00:16:46,701 --> 00:16:49,182 So don't try getting all racist 368 00:16:49,225 --> 00:16:50,705 at your doctor's office. 369 00:16:51,314 --> 00:16:52,750 This one's for us. 370 00:16:52,794 --> 00:16:53,969 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 371 00:16:54,752 --> 00:16:56,319 Here's my theory. 372 00:16:56,363 --> 00:16:59,540 I don't want my medical care in the hands of someone 373 00:16:59,583 --> 00:17:02,499 who can't even stand up to their own parents. 374 00:17:07,330 --> 00:17:09,028 I mean, come on, let's face it. 375 00:17:09,071 --> 00:17:11,813 Half of Asian doctors don't want to be doctors at all. 376 00:17:11,856 --> 00:17:14,163 They want to be rappers like the rest of us. 377 00:17:14,207 --> 00:17:16,513 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 378 00:17:16,557 --> 00:17:18,863 And how are you going to fight meningitis 379 00:17:18,907 --> 00:17:22,258 if you can't even fight your own tiger mom, Dr. Kim? 380 00:17:22,302 --> 00:17:23,520 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 381 00:17:25,044 --> 00:17:26,654 I want my doctor to be 382 00:17:26,697 --> 00:17:30,484 a non-Asian, non-Indian, non-Jewish doctor. 383 00:17:32,051 --> 00:17:34,879 Because you know that doctor had to go through some shit. 384 00:17:34,923 --> 00:17:37,578 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 385 00:17:37,621 --> 00:17:39,884 Can you imagine even applying to medical school 386 00:17:39,928 --> 00:17:42,104 with a name like Billy Bob Buckworth? 387 00:17:43,801 --> 00:17:47,544 Oh, okay. Thank you for your application, Billy Bob, 388 00:17:47,588 --> 00:17:50,199 but we have seven Patels in line ahead of you. 389 00:17:50,243 --> 00:17:53,376 So, take a seat. 390 00:17:55,900 --> 00:17:58,164 I feel like I can make fun of Asians 391 00:17:58,207 --> 00:18:00,818 because they're my own people. 392 00:18:00,862 --> 00:18:03,125 The rest of you need to watch yourselves. 393 00:18:05,171 --> 00:18:08,652 Because it's not a fun time to be Asian right now. 394 00:18:08,696 --> 00:18:12,178 No, not a fun time to be Asian right now. 395 00:18:12,221 --> 00:18:17,313 Not only are we being blamed for the end of civilization. 396 00:18:17,357 --> 00:18:21,839 Not only are we being randomly attacked in the streets, 397 00:18:21,883 --> 00:18:25,843 but also our favorite masks are sold out. 398 00:18:25,887 --> 00:18:27,628 What the fuck? That was our thing. 399 00:18:27,671 --> 00:18:29,586 The mask thing was our thing. 400 00:18:29,630 --> 00:18:32,415 We've been on the mask tip for decades. 401 00:18:32,937 --> 00:18:34,417 [CROWD CLAPPING] 402 00:18:34,461 --> 00:18:37,072 Now suddenly the rest of you had jumped on board, 403 00:18:37,116 --> 00:18:40,597 and now I can't find my favorite mask brand anywhere. 404 00:18:41,294 --> 00:18:43,731 What's next, sun visors? 405 00:18:43,774 --> 00:18:45,298 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 406 00:18:49,084 --> 00:18:52,783 We also had to teach the rest of the world 407 00:18:52,827 --> 00:18:56,874 that China is not the only country in Asia. 408 00:18:57,527 --> 00:18:58,920 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 409 00:19:02,793 --> 00:19:04,404 Like, I get it 410 00:19:04,447 --> 00:19:07,798 if you are mad at the Chinese government, I totally get it. 411 00:19:07,842 --> 00:19:10,758 The Chinese government is very fucked up, 412 00:19:10,801 --> 00:19:13,021 and they do a lot of fucked up things. 413 00:19:13,064 --> 00:19:15,110 But what does that have to do 414 00:19:15,154 --> 00:19:17,417 with the millions of Asians 415 00:19:17,460 --> 00:19:21,551 from all over Asia who don't live in China? 416 00:19:21,595 --> 00:19:24,163 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 417 00:19:24,206 --> 00:19:26,730 [CROWD CLAPPING] 418 00:19:29,907 --> 00:19:31,257 I'm Korean. 419 00:19:31,300 --> 00:19:34,216 The worst thing we ever did was the Kia Optima. 420 00:19:34,260 --> 00:19:36,131 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 421 00:19:40,918 --> 00:19:43,704 And we gave you K-Pop. 422 00:19:43,747 --> 00:19:45,053 Yo, we gave you... 423 00:19:45,096 --> 00:19:46,707 [CROWD CHEERING] 424 00:19:48,056 --> 00:19:51,190 We gave you K-Pop, Parasite, 425 00:19:51,233 --> 00:19:52,800 and Korean barbecue. 426 00:19:52,843 --> 00:19:55,019 So suck our fucking dicks. 427 00:19:55,716 --> 00:19:57,021 [CROWD CLAPPING] 428 00:20:01,765 --> 00:20:04,290 I can't believe that we all get lumped in together. 429 00:20:04,333 --> 00:20:08,207 There are like 50 different countries in Asia. 430 00:20:08,250 --> 00:20:11,166 You can tell how varied Asia is 431 00:20:11,210 --> 00:20:13,864 by how crazy the stereotypes are. 432 00:20:13,908 --> 00:20:15,388 They're all over the place. 433 00:20:15,431 --> 00:20:17,564 Asians, we're supposed to be good at math 434 00:20:18,782 --> 00:20:20,480 and laundry. 435 00:20:20,523 --> 00:20:22,003 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 436 00:20:26,616 --> 00:20:30,620 And shooting ping pong balls out of our vaginas? 437 00:20:30,664 --> 00:20:32,231 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 438 00:20:33,667 --> 00:20:35,930 Come on. Come on. 439 00:20:35,973 --> 00:20:39,977 The same person can't be good at all three of those things. 440 00:20:41,152 --> 00:20:42,719 I can't do math. 441 00:20:42,763 --> 00:20:44,286 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 442 00:20:45,200 --> 00:20:46,375 Or laundry, 443 00:20:46,419 --> 00:20:48,421 [CROWD CLAPPING] 444 00:20:53,208 --> 00:20:56,907 There are Asians that are, like, Russian. 445 00:20:56,951 --> 00:21:02,261 Because they're from, like, Kazakhstan or Uzbekistan or one of the stans. 446 00:21:02,304 --> 00:21:04,915 So they look completely Asian like me. 447 00:21:04,959 --> 00:21:09,485 But then they open their mouth and they're like Ivan Drago from Rocky 4. 448 00:21:11,226 --> 00:21:12,271 Nyet. 449 00:21:14,360 --> 00:21:16,318 I must break you. 450 00:21:16,362 --> 00:21:18,102 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 451 00:21:18,146 --> 00:21:20,931 My fantasy. My fantasy 452 00:21:20,975 --> 00:21:23,543 is for one of these fucking coward, 453 00:21:23,586 --> 00:21:27,024 racist piece of shit Asian attackers 454 00:21:27,068 --> 00:21:29,766 to try the fuck with an Asian Russian. 455 00:21:30,289 --> 00:21:31,464 Whoa! 456 00:21:32,421 --> 00:21:34,031 Whoa! 457 00:21:34,075 --> 00:21:35,337 A world of hurt. 458 00:21:36,643 --> 00:21:39,167 Every bone in their body is broken. 459 00:21:39,210 --> 00:21:41,125 Their whole family is dead. 460 00:21:41,169 --> 00:21:44,041 Their dog has been poisoned with plutonium. 461 00:21:44,085 --> 00:21:45,782 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 462 00:21:48,611 --> 00:21:51,614 If he dies, he dies. 463 00:21:51,658 --> 00:21:53,094 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 464 00:21:56,750 --> 00:22:00,319 The anti Asian attacks have gotten so bad. 465 00:22:01,276 --> 00:22:02,756 This is how bad they've gotten. 466 00:22:02,799 --> 00:22:05,106 I started a YouTube channel 467 00:22:05,149 --> 00:22:08,675 in the middle of the pandemic with my parents. 468 00:22:08,718 --> 00:22:13,375 It's called Old Korean Dad Stories and Sometimes Mom, 469 00:22:13,419 --> 00:22:17,379 and I interview them about their amazing life experiences. 470 00:22:17,423 --> 00:22:22,210 Because both of my parents are funny, quirky, interesting people. 471 00:22:22,253 --> 00:22:25,039 And I hope that if I show that to the world, 472 00:22:25,082 --> 00:22:27,955 that maybe people will think twice 473 00:22:27,998 --> 00:22:30,914 about kicking them in the head randomly in the street. 474 00:22:33,177 --> 00:22:35,397 Are you hearing me? 475 00:22:35,441 --> 00:22:40,141 Attacks have gotten so bad that I subjected myself 476 00:22:40,184 --> 00:22:45,146 to teaching 75-year-olds how to download Zoom. 477 00:22:45,189 --> 00:22:46,930 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 478 00:22:46,974 --> 00:22:50,064 Yo, you think love is taking a bullet for someone? 479 00:22:50,107 --> 00:22:52,327 No. 480 00:22:52,371 --> 00:22:56,418 True love is being tech support to old people. 481 00:22:56,462 --> 00:22:58,377 [CROWD CLAPPING] 482 00:23:00,988 --> 00:23:03,425 That's love. That's love. 483 00:23:03,469 --> 00:23:06,297 So please, for the love of God, 484 00:23:06,341 --> 00:23:09,518 stop attacking old Asian people. 485 00:23:09,562 --> 00:23:13,435 Because if I have to teach another geriatric how to AirDrop 486 00:23:13,479 --> 00:23:15,872 I'm going to curb stomp myself. 487 00:23:15,916 --> 00:23:17,396 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 488 00:23:18,745 --> 00:23:21,574 My last name is Hong, H-O-N-G. 489 00:23:21,617 --> 00:23:24,272 And I used to sell these T-shirts at my shows 490 00:23:24,315 --> 00:23:26,274 that said, "Well Hong," on them. 491 00:23:28,885 --> 00:23:32,585 Because I want everyone to know that I have a really big dick. 492 00:23:32,628 --> 00:23:34,282 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 493 00:23:34,325 --> 00:23:35,588 And I sold out. 494 00:23:35,631 --> 00:23:37,111 I couldn't believe it. They were not subtle. 495 00:23:37,154 --> 00:23:39,287 They were like bright blue with big lettering. 496 00:23:39,330 --> 00:23:40,549 "Well Hong." 497 00:23:40,593 --> 00:23:43,030 I sold out of the entire run. 498 00:23:43,073 --> 00:23:45,467 I had one T-shirt left, so I gave it to 499 00:23:46,163 --> 00:23:47,469 my dad. 500 00:23:47,513 --> 00:23:48,470 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 501 00:23:50,777 --> 00:23:54,607 Mr. Hong. And Mr. Hong is adorable. 502 00:23:54,650 --> 00:23:56,478 He's like this tall. 503 00:23:56,522 --> 00:23:58,306 He has totally white hair. 504 00:23:58,349 --> 00:24:02,484 He's a 76-year-old South Korean immigrant, 505 00:24:02,528 --> 00:24:04,921 English is not his first language, 506 00:24:04,965 --> 00:24:07,315 so he had no idea what this shit meant. 507 00:24:07,358 --> 00:24:08,751 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 508 00:24:10,144 --> 00:24:11,188 I give him the shirt. 509 00:24:11,232 --> 00:24:12,886 I'm like Dad. It's just a shirt. 510 00:24:12,929 --> 00:24:15,497 You can wear it around the house, whatever. 511 00:24:15,541 --> 00:24:18,500 I did not know that this man was rocking this thing 512 00:24:18,544 --> 00:24:20,633 out and about in the neighborhood. 513 00:24:20,676 --> 00:24:22,156 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 514 00:24:24,593 --> 00:24:26,552 Until he shows up at my house 515 00:24:27,509 --> 00:24:29,032 wearing the shirt. 516 00:24:30,033 --> 00:24:31,034 And he's, like, Helen... 517 00:24:32,775 --> 00:24:37,214 Well Hong. 518 00:24:38,041 --> 00:24:39,565 What does it mean? 519 00:24:39,608 --> 00:24:41,871 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 520 00:24:41,915 --> 00:24:44,570 Because I'm wearing the shirt and people smiling at me 521 00:24:44,613 --> 00:24:47,486 and giving me thumbs up. 522 00:24:47,529 --> 00:24:48,965 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 523 00:24:49,966 --> 00:24:51,794 High-fiving. 524 00:24:51,838 --> 00:24:53,535 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 525 00:24:53,579 --> 00:24:56,843 Ladies are winking at me. 526 00:24:56,886 --> 00:24:59,759 Sometimes men are winking at me. 527 00:25:01,325 --> 00:25:03,502 Well Hong, what does it mean? 528 00:25:04,372 --> 00:25:06,200 And I'm, like, oh shit. 529 00:25:06,243 --> 00:25:07,244 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 530 00:25:08,158 --> 00:25:09,159 Um... 531 00:25:10,204 --> 00:25:11,684 Well, Dad, uh... 532 00:25:12,859 --> 00:25:16,776 It, uh... 533 00:25:18,342 --> 00:25:21,258 Um... 534 00:25:23,347 --> 00:25:25,915 It means you have a big penis, Dad. 535 00:25:25,959 --> 00:25:27,613 It means you have a big penis. 536 00:25:27,656 --> 00:25:29,092 And then 537 00:25:29,136 --> 00:25:32,792 my tiny, little white-haired 76-year-old Korean father 538 00:25:32,835 --> 00:25:33,836 goes like this. 539 00:25:35,055 --> 00:25:38,449 Ah! 540 00:25:38,493 --> 00:25:39,929 [CROWD CLAPPING] 541 00:25:44,151 --> 00:25:45,152 Well Hong! 542 00:25:51,201 --> 00:25:54,857 So, that's how I found Dad's packing. 543 00:25:54,901 --> 00:25:57,556 Ew. Gross. 544 00:25:57,599 --> 00:26:01,603 I did not need to know that Mr. Hong has a gigantic dong. 545 00:26:01,647 --> 00:26:03,997 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 546 00:26:04,040 --> 00:26:06,303 My parents sent me to Catholic school 547 00:26:07,304 --> 00:26:08,915 which was super fun. 548 00:26:08,958 --> 00:26:12,048 Anybody go to Catholic school? Make some noise. 549 00:26:12,092 --> 00:26:14,398 Catholic. Wow, feel the energy. Uh... 550 00:26:14,442 --> 00:26:15,922 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 551 00:26:15,965 --> 00:26:17,837 Trying to forget. 552 00:26:17,880 --> 00:26:21,014 You know what's super duper fun about me going to Catholic school? 553 00:26:21,057 --> 00:26:23,016 Uh, we're not even Catholic. 554 00:26:23,059 --> 00:26:24,670 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 555 00:26:24,713 --> 00:26:28,369 If you want to teach your kids how much God doesn't love them, 556 00:26:28,412 --> 00:26:30,197 send them to Catholic school. 557 00:26:30,240 --> 00:26:34,027 The nuns will let you know. Oh, God actively hates you. 558 00:26:35,985 --> 00:26:39,032 My parents are Korean Methodist, which... 559 00:26:39,075 --> 00:26:42,731 The difference between Korean Methodist and American Methodist 560 00:26:42,775 --> 00:26:45,168 is like 14% more guilt and shame. 561 00:26:46,343 --> 00:26:49,085 And like 22% better handbags. 562 00:26:49,129 --> 00:26:52,698 It's true. We have. We're well accessorized. 563 00:26:54,047 --> 00:26:56,484 I learned so much about the Catholic religion 564 00:26:56,527 --> 00:26:59,487 by going to Catholic school. I learned that Catholics 565 00:26:59,530 --> 00:27:02,446 eat the body and drink the blood of Christ. 566 00:27:02,490 --> 00:27:04,361 -Like... -[MAN WHOOPING] 567 00:27:04,405 --> 00:27:06,276 You were really excited about that, sir. 568 00:27:06,320 --> 00:27:08,496 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 569 00:27:08,539 --> 00:27:11,107 Is eating Jesus your favorite activity? 570 00:27:11,151 --> 00:27:13,153 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 571 00:27:13,196 --> 00:27:14,894 You're, like, yeah, Jesus! 572 00:27:15,721 --> 00:27:17,070 Yummy, yummy. 573 00:27:17,113 --> 00:27:18,419 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 574 00:27:19,986 --> 00:27:21,683 Catholics eat the body 575 00:27:22,771 --> 00:27:25,644 and drink the blood of Christ 576 00:27:25,687 --> 00:27:27,515 like seven to eight times a week, 577 00:27:27,558 --> 00:27:30,692 which I think is an excessive amount of eating and drinking of Jesus. 578 00:27:30,736 --> 00:27:33,913 That is a lot of eating and drinking of Jesus. 579 00:27:33,956 --> 00:27:36,219 You know doesn't get to eat or drink Jesus at all? 580 00:27:36,263 --> 00:27:38,091 People who aren't Catholic. 581 00:27:38,134 --> 00:27:41,398 I was 8. They made me stand in the back of chapel 582 00:27:41,442 --> 00:27:45,141 while all my little friends got to have delicious helpings of Jesus. 583 00:27:45,185 --> 00:27:46,882 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 584 00:27:48,101 --> 00:27:49,363 I was super jelly. 585 00:27:49,406 --> 00:27:51,365 I was, like, I could use a Jesus snack. 586 00:27:51,408 --> 00:27:52,583 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 587 00:27:53,759 --> 00:27:56,065 I could use a little nibble-o-Christ. 588 00:27:56,109 --> 00:27:57,632 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 589 00:27:57,676 --> 00:28:00,635 So you know what I did? One day, I snuck past the nuns, 590 00:28:01,331 --> 00:28:03,072 I snuck in the line 591 00:28:03,116 --> 00:28:06,336 and I got myself a little taste-o-Jesus. 592 00:28:06,380 --> 00:28:08,687 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 593 00:28:08,730 --> 00:28:11,733 And do you know what I discovered? 594 00:28:11,777 --> 00:28:13,996 Jesus could use a little flavor. Yeah. 595 00:28:14,040 --> 00:28:15,476 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 596 00:28:15,519 --> 00:28:17,739 Jesus is very dry. 597 00:28:17,783 --> 00:28:19,567 [CROWD CLAPPING] 598 00:28:19,610 --> 00:28:21,743 I'm, like, do you have any hummus 599 00:28:21,787 --> 00:28:23,571 I could pair with my Jesus? 600 00:28:23,614 --> 00:28:27,053 Or do you have any peanut butter that I could spread on this Jesus? 601 00:28:28,315 --> 00:28:30,796 Do you guys have a cool ranch Jesus back there? 602 00:28:30,839 --> 00:28:32,145 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 603 00:28:35,191 --> 00:28:37,933 Also, the wine was not wine. 604 00:28:37,977 --> 00:28:40,240 It was Welch's motherfucking grape juice. 605 00:28:40,283 --> 00:28:42,024 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 606 00:28:42,068 --> 00:28:46,376 I was, like, what kind of bullshit are you pulling here, nuns? 607 00:28:46,420 --> 00:28:48,683 I don't remember anywhere in the Bible, 608 00:28:48,727 --> 00:28:50,859 where Jesus said, remember me by drinking 609 00:28:50,903 --> 00:28:53,601 Welch's motherfucking grape juice. 610 00:28:53,644 --> 00:28:55,472 I think we all know 611 00:28:55,516 --> 00:28:58,911 Jesus said, remember me by getting a little tipsy and carbo loading. 612 00:28:58,954 --> 00:28:59,955 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 613 00:29:02,044 --> 00:29:04,133 I don't trust people that never drink. 614 00:29:04,177 --> 00:29:06,614 Never drink, really? Never drink? 615 00:29:06,657 --> 00:29:08,616 You want to feel all the feelings? 616 00:29:08,659 --> 00:29:09,922 What? That sounds horrible. 617 00:29:09,965 --> 00:29:11,358 No, thank you. 618 00:29:11,401 --> 00:29:12,663 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 619 00:29:12,707 --> 00:29:17,799 I was once invited to a dry wedding. 620 00:29:17,843 --> 00:29:18,887 What the fuck? 621 00:29:18,931 --> 00:29:21,020 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 622 00:29:21,063 --> 00:29:22,543 What? Why? 623 00:29:22,586 --> 00:29:25,589 What is the point of going to a wedding, 624 00:29:25,633 --> 00:29:27,896 except to get shitfaced for free? 625 00:29:27,940 --> 00:29:29,202 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 626 00:29:29,245 --> 00:29:31,552 That's the only reason why we go to weddings. 627 00:29:31,595 --> 00:29:32,945 I get invited to this wedding, 628 00:29:32,988 --> 00:29:35,121 it turns out, both sets of parents 629 00:29:35,164 --> 00:29:37,036 are evangelical Christians. 630 00:29:37,079 --> 00:29:39,473 So no booze at this wedding, and I'm like, 631 00:29:39,516 --> 00:29:41,605 uh... 632 00:29:41,649 --> 00:29:44,478 They don't even pull that move in the Bible. 633 00:29:44,521 --> 00:29:47,046 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 634 00:29:47,089 --> 00:29:50,832 Jesus Christ was at a wedding that ran out of wine, 635 00:29:50,876 --> 00:29:53,008 and he was like, "This is unacceptable. This..." 636 00:29:53,052 --> 00:29:55,663 -[AUDIENCE LAUGHING] -[CROWD CLAPPING] 637 00:29:56,185 --> 00:29:58,144 No, no. 638 00:29:59,885 --> 00:30:02,844 We've got to do something about this. 639 00:30:02,888 --> 00:30:04,367 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 640 00:30:04,411 --> 00:30:08,241 The Virgin Mary sprinted up to him and was like, "Jesus, 641 00:30:08,284 --> 00:30:10,504 "get your father on the phone." 642 00:30:10,547 --> 00:30:12,549 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 643 00:30:12,593 --> 00:30:16,162 [MOCKINGLY] If he could knock me up out of nowhere, he can get some wine 644 00:30:16,205 --> 00:30:17,554 back at this wedding. 645 00:30:17,598 --> 00:30:19,513 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 646 00:30:19,556 --> 00:30:23,517 This was the first miracle Jesus Christ ever performed. 647 00:30:23,560 --> 00:30:26,999 Before he walked on water, before he brought anybody back from the dead. 648 00:30:27,042 --> 00:30:30,089 Priority number one, restocking the bar. 649 00:30:30,132 --> 00:30:32,221 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 650 00:30:32,265 --> 00:30:36,443 [APPLAUDING] 651 00:30:36,486 --> 00:30:38,880 He was like, "Wait, what? 652 00:30:38,924 --> 00:30:41,056 "We're out of wine?" 653 00:30:41,100 --> 00:30:43,450 Oh, shit's about to get miraculous up in this bitch. 654 00:30:43,493 --> 00:30:46,932 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 655 00:30:46,975 --> 00:30:50,936 Can you imagine how good that wine must have been that Jesus turned from water? 656 00:30:50,979 --> 00:30:54,330 Can we assume that the J-Man was a dope-ass sommelier? 657 00:30:54,374 --> 00:30:56,463 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 658 00:30:56,506 --> 00:30:57,899 [APPLAUDING] 659 00:30:57,943 --> 00:31:00,771 The son of God is not turning water into Franzia. 660 00:31:00,815 --> 00:31:06,603 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 661 00:31:06,647 --> 00:31:10,781 And how lucky would you be, to be the couple whose wedding it was? 662 00:31:10,825 --> 00:31:13,393 [GASPS] Everybody's talking about your wedding. 663 00:31:13,436 --> 00:31:17,179 "Your wedding, the food, the wine!" 664 00:31:17,223 --> 00:31:19,268 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 665 00:31:19,312 --> 00:31:21,401 "Who did your catering?" 666 00:31:21,444 --> 00:31:22,663 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 667 00:31:22,706 --> 00:31:27,059 And you're like, [LAUGHING] "The Messiah." 668 00:31:27,102 --> 00:31:28,669 -[HELEN LAUGHS] -[AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 669 00:31:28,712 --> 00:31:33,152 Wow. You should see how far that guy can stretch 670 00:31:33,195 --> 00:31:35,937 two fishes in a loaf of bread... Wow. [EXCLAIMING] 671 00:31:35,981 --> 00:31:37,156 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 672 00:31:37,199 --> 00:31:38,635 What a savior! 673 00:31:38,679 --> 00:31:41,508 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 674 00:31:41,551 --> 00:31:43,902 [APPLAUDING] 675 00:31:49,516 --> 00:31:52,301 I had a lot of personal changes during the pandemic. 676 00:31:52,345 --> 00:31:54,173 I had a baby. 677 00:31:55,478 --> 00:31:57,698 -[CROWD CHEERING] -Thank you. 678 00:31:57,741 --> 00:31:59,961 [APPLAUDING] 679 00:32:00,005 --> 00:32:01,223 Okay, I should be honest. 680 00:32:01,267 --> 00:32:03,269 I didn't... I didn't physically have a baby, 681 00:32:03,312 --> 00:32:06,228 okay... I didn't, yikes... No. No. 682 00:32:06,272 --> 00:32:07,490 Ugh... 683 00:32:08,927 --> 00:32:10,189 No. [SCOFFS] 684 00:32:10,232 --> 00:32:13,148 Baby having is not a thing that I do. No... 685 00:32:13,192 --> 00:32:14,236 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 686 00:32:14,280 --> 00:32:16,456 This womb is purely decorative. 687 00:32:16,499 --> 00:32:18,849 Okay... I just... 688 00:32:18,893 --> 00:32:21,069 The only eggs getting action in here 689 00:32:21,113 --> 00:32:22,418 are Cadbury cream. 690 00:32:22,462 --> 00:32:24,551 -[AUDIENCE LAUGHING] -Yeah... 691 00:32:24,594 --> 00:32:28,337 I have Plan B in a Pez dispenser next to my bed. 692 00:32:28,381 --> 00:32:30,122 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 693 00:32:30,165 --> 00:32:31,297 It's Elmer Fudd. 694 00:32:31,340 --> 00:32:33,429 Elmer Fudd gives me Plan B. 695 00:32:33,473 --> 00:32:36,476 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 696 00:32:36,519 --> 00:32:41,916 So how did Plan B Pez bitch end up with a baby? [LAUGHS] 697 00:32:41,960 --> 00:32:43,613 What had happened was, 698 00:32:45,137 --> 00:32:48,270 my sister/roommate 699 00:32:48,314 --> 00:32:52,318 decided to have a baby by herself. 700 00:32:52,361 --> 00:32:57,062 Yeah, she is what is called a single mother by choice. 701 00:32:57,105 --> 00:32:59,107 But because I live with this bitch... 702 00:32:59,151 --> 00:33:01,501 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 703 00:33:01,544 --> 00:33:04,243 ...that makes me a single mother by no choice. 704 00:33:04,286 --> 00:33:05,418 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 705 00:33:06,636 --> 00:33:08,725 No choice. 706 00:33:08,769 --> 00:33:11,902 What a dick move for a roommate, am I right? 707 00:33:11,946 --> 00:33:13,426 I mean, I've had shitty roommates. 708 00:33:13,469 --> 00:33:15,558 I've had roommates leave dishes in the sink, 709 00:33:15,602 --> 00:33:18,170 I've had roommates go through my underwear drawer. 710 00:33:18,213 --> 00:33:21,347 This is the first time I've had a roommate have a baby on me. 711 00:33:21,390 --> 00:33:22,957 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 712 00:33:23,001 --> 00:33:24,828 My sister knows she can take advantage 713 00:33:24,872 --> 00:33:26,700 of the situation, because I'm her sister. 714 00:33:26,743 --> 00:33:28,745 She knows, I'm not going to be like "Yo... 715 00:33:28,789 --> 00:33:30,747 "Good luck with that baby. 716 00:33:30,791 --> 00:33:33,707 -"I'm going to dip." -[AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 717 00:33:33,750 --> 00:33:37,145 -"To my room..." -[AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 718 00:33:37,189 --> 00:33:41,584 -"Which is right there next to your room, yeah." -[AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 719 00:33:41,628 --> 00:33:43,499 My sister fully catfished me. 720 00:33:44,892 --> 00:33:47,634 She was like, "Hey, you're quarantining alone. 721 00:33:47,677 --> 00:33:49,505 "I'm quarantining alone. 722 00:33:49,549 --> 00:33:52,378 "What do you think about buying a house together?" 723 00:33:52,421 --> 00:33:55,903 And I was like, "Shit, you're the one with the good job and the good credit..." 724 00:33:55,946 --> 00:33:57,731 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 725 00:33:57,774 --> 00:33:59,254 I tell dick jokes for a living. 726 00:33:59,298 --> 00:34:01,430 Can you imagine me trying to get a mortgage? 727 00:34:01,474 --> 00:34:03,911 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 728 00:34:03,954 --> 00:34:06,957 The banker would be like, "So, Ms. Hong, what are your assets?" 729 00:34:07,001 --> 00:34:09,699 I'd be like, "I have a really strong jaw." 730 00:34:09,743 --> 00:34:16,402 -[AUDIENCE LAUGHING] -[APPLAUDING] 731 00:34:16,445 --> 00:34:19,622 My sister's like, "No problem. I will put my name on the mortgage, 732 00:34:19,666 --> 00:34:22,843 "we'll still split the house 50/50. It'll be great." 733 00:34:22,886 --> 00:34:24,062 I'm like, "Great." 734 00:34:24,105 --> 00:34:25,933 We buy the house, we move in. 735 00:34:25,976 --> 00:34:27,804 Boom, the second we move in, 736 00:34:27,848 --> 00:34:29,893 she's like, "Surprise, I'm pregnant." 737 00:34:29,937 --> 00:34:32,157 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 738 00:34:33,854 --> 00:34:35,899 This bitch used real estate... 739 00:34:35,943 --> 00:34:37,075 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 740 00:34:37,118 --> 00:34:39,338 ...to get me to be her baby daddy. 741 00:34:39,381 --> 00:34:41,383 -[AUDIENCE LAUGHING] -[CROWD CLAPPING] 742 00:34:42,950 --> 00:34:45,735 That is some diabolical shit. 743 00:34:45,779 --> 00:34:48,999 I know, owning a house is the American dream, 744 00:34:49,043 --> 00:34:51,959 but helping you raise your baby, that is a high cost. 745 00:34:52,002 --> 00:34:55,876 -[AUDIENCE LAUGHING] -That is not fair market value. 746 00:34:55,919 --> 00:34:58,444 Do you know what I did last night? 747 00:34:58,487 --> 00:35:03,623 I sucked tiny snot out of a miniature nostril, 748 00:35:03,666 --> 00:35:06,408 using a straw and my mouth! 749 00:35:06,452 --> 00:35:08,932 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 750 00:35:08,976 --> 00:35:11,239 Bitch, you're getting the utilities. 751 00:35:11,283 --> 00:35:13,372 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 752 00:35:16,114 --> 00:35:17,463 [CHUCKLES SOFTLY] 753 00:35:17,506 --> 00:35:19,595 I'm actually very proud of my sister, 754 00:35:19,639 --> 00:35:22,337 despite the fact that she's a catfishing bitch... 755 00:35:22,381 --> 00:35:24,078 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 756 00:35:24,122 --> 00:35:26,124 She looked around and went, 757 00:35:26,167 --> 00:35:27,647 "You know what? 758 00:35:27,690 --> 00:35:30,171 "I don't want to have a baby with none of you fuckoes." 759 00:35:31,999 --> 00:35:34,262 And she's cute, like she had plenty of offers. 760 00:35:34,306 --> 00:35:38,701 She's super cute and she was like "Nah..." And that's really ballsy. 761 00:35:38,745 --> 00:35:40,921 That's like going to Ikea 762 00:35:40,964 --> 00:35:45,404 and deciding to buy the world's most complicated bookshelf, 763 00:35:45,447 --> 00:35:48,146 dresser, wall unit combo. 764 00:35:48,189 --> 00:35:49,843 And they tell you right out the gate, 765 00:35:49,886 --> 00:35:53,455 this is going to be the hardest thing you're ever going to do. 766 00:35:53,499 --> 00:35:58,808 This thing is going to take you 18 years to build 767 00:35:58,852 --> 00:36:03,857 and there's people in there that are like, "Hey, we could do this together. 768 00:36:03,900 --> 00:36:06,555 "I could help you build this thing." 769 00:36:06,599 --> 00:36:12,213 And my sisters like "No, I just need you 770 00:36:12,257 --> 00:36:14,955 "to hand me your Allen wrench..." 771 00:36:14,998 --> 00:36:18,001 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 772 00:36:18,045 --> 00:36:19,568 "...and then go away." 773 00:36:19,612 --> 00:36:21,483 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 774 00:36:21,527 --> 00:36:23,311 "Because you're just gonna annoy me, 775 00:36:24,530 --> 00:36:27,054 "and I'd rather build this thing myself." 776 00:36:29,274 --> 00:36:30,623 The Allen wrench was the jizz. 777 00:36:30,666 --> 00:36:32,581 You guys got that right? Okay. 778 00:36:32,625 --> 00:36:34,670 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 779 00:36:34,714 --> 00:36:40,285 I can see why my sister chose me over any other dipshit to help her raise her baby. 780 00:36:40,328 --> 00:36:43,462 There are perks to raising a baby with your sister. 781 00:36:43,505 --> 00:36:46,073 You already know how fucked up the in-laws are. 782 00:36:46,116 --> 00:36:48,293 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 783 00:36:48,336 --> 00:36:49,511 If we ever get divorced, 784 00:36:49,555 --> 00:36:51,121 she knows I don't want custody. 785 00:36:51,165 --> 00:36:52,993 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 786 00:36:53,036 --> 00:36:56,692 You don't have to negotiate with anyone over what to name the baby. 787 00:36:56,736 --> 00:37:00,392 She fully could've been like, "Yo, I'm naming this baby Bowling Ball." 788 00:37:02,132 --> 00:37:04,657 And I would have been like, "That's stupid, but okay." 789 00:37:04,700 --> 00:37:05,701 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 790 00:37:07,573 --> 00:37:09,139 Naming the baby was rough. 791 00:37:09,183 --> 00:37:12,317 It was hard to name the baby because we wanted to pick a name 792 00:37:12,360 --> 00:37:14,580 that our parents could pronounce. 793 00:37:14,623 --> 00:37:16,930 That is harder than you might think. 794 00:37:16,973 --> 00:37:21,064 I think that's why every Korean that you have ever met all have the same names. 795 00:37:21,108 --> 00:37:22,240 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 796 00:37:22,283 --> 00:37:23,763 All right. We're all Steve Kim, 797 00:37:24,938 --> 00:37:28,811 Grace Lee, Helen Hong. 798 00:37:28,855 --> 00:37:34,513 -I personally know five other Helen Hong's. -[AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 799 00:37:34,556 --> 00:37:37,516 I went to vote in L. A. County, and they were like, 800 00:37:38,473 --> 00:37:42,434 -Phew! -[AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 801 00:37:43,609 --> 00:37:46,133 "There are 14 Helen Hongs in this county. 802 00:37:46,176 --> 00:37:47,830 "Which the fuck one are you?" 803 00:37:47,874 --> 00:37:50,442 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 804 00:37:50,485 --> 00:37:52,966 This is why I don't have any of my social handles. 805 00:37:53,009 --> 00:37:55,273 All these other fucking Helen Hongs have my shit. 806 00:37:56,143 --> 00:37:57,840 And I can't kill all of them. 807 00:37:57,884 --> 00:37:59,581 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 808 00:37:59,625 --> 00:38:00,974 [APPLAUDING] 809 00:38:02,454 --> 00:38:04,194 I asked my dad, "Why?" I was like, 810 00:38:04,238 --> 00:38:09,156 "Dad, why is Helen such a common name amongst Korean Americans?" 811 00:38:09,199 --> 00:38:15,205 It turns out his generation of Koreans were all taught about Helen Keller. 812 00:38:15,249 --> 00:38:19,558 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 813 00:38:19,601 --> 00:38:24,954 Like, Helen Keller was the most famous American figure 814 00:38:24,998 --> 00:38:29,481 taught in Korean public schools in 1960. 815 00:38:29,524 --> 00:38:33,615 Which makes so much sense. Because they love a quiet woman, don't they? 816 00:38:33,659 --> 00:38:35,182 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 817 00:38:35,225 --> 00:38:37,053 Yeah, real quiet. 818 00:38:37,097 --> 00:38:38,751 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 819 00:38:39,142 --> 00:38:41,014 So... 820 00:38:41,057 --> 00:38:46,193 Helen's like one of the only English names that Korean people know. 821 00:38:46,236 --> 00:38:48,804 And then there's only like seven Korean last names. 822 00:38:48,848 --> 00:38:50,197 So, boom, we're all Helen. 823 00:38:50,240 --> 00:38:51,677 Half of us are Helen Hong. 824 00:38:51,720 --> 00:38:53,113 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 825 00:38:53,156 --> 00:38:56,246 It's hard to find a name that works in both cultures. 826 00:38:56,290 --> 00:38:58,814 Like we were bouncing off baby names with our mom. 827 00:38:58,858 --> 00:39:01,426 I'm like, "Mom, what do you think about the name Mary?" 828 00:39:01,469 --> 00:39:06,822 And she's like, "Oh, Mary? Oh, no..." 829 00:39:06,866 --> 00:39:08,694 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 830 00:39:08,737 --> 00:39:12,698 I'm like "What's wrong with the name Mary?" She's like,"Oh, Mary is 831 00:39:12,741 --> 00:39:16,179 "what they call street dog in Korea." 832 00:39:16,223 --> 00:39:18,443 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 833 00:39:19,487 --> 00:39:20,706 What? 834 00:39:20,749 --> 00:39:23,491 Yeah, Mary is what they call a female dog. 835 00:39:23,535 --> 00:39:25,841 Girl dog, they go "Mary, Mary, Mary." 836 00:39:25,885 --> 00:39:28,191 Boy dog, they go, "Chong, Chong, Chong" 837 00:39:28,235 --> 00:39:30,498 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 838 00:39:33,196 --> 00:39:37,157 So... So, Mary is the Korean word for bitch. 839 00:39:37,200 --> 00:39:38,811 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 840 00:39:38,854 --> 00:39:40,421 She's like, "Bitch? I don't know." 841 00:39:40,465 --> 00:39:43,293 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 842 00:39:43,337 --> 00:39:44,643 All right, no Mary. 843 00:39:44,686 --> 00:39:46,558 "Uh, what do you think about the name Josie? 844 00:39:46,601 --> 00:39:47,820 "Josie is a nice name." 845 00:39:47,863 --> 00:39:49,517 She's like, "Georgie?" 846 00:39:51,476 --> 00:39:52,477 "Oh, no... 847 00:39:54,043 --> 00:39:57,046 "Georgie is not good for Korean pronouncing. 848 00:39:57,960 --> 00:39:59,353 Why? What's wrong with Josie? 849 00:39:59,397 --> 00:40:03,009 She's like, "Um, Georgie sounds like chaagie." 850 00:40:03,052 --> 00:40:06,186 Chaagieis the Korean slang for dick. 851 00:40:06,229 --> 00:40:09,102 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 852 00:40:09,145 --> 00:40:12,801 Cock, weenis. You guys get it. 853 00:40:12,845 --> 00:40:17,023 I'm like, "Okay, no Josie. Oh, what about the name Emma? 854 00:40:17,066 --> 00:40:18,328 "Emma is a beautiful name." 855 00:40:18,372 --> 00:40:22,376 She's like, "Oh, no Emma. Oh, no..." 856 00:40:22,420 --> 00:40:29,514 It turns out, Emma was the name of the first softcore porn movie... 857 00:40:29,557 --> 00:40:31,124 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 858 00:40:31,167 --> 00:40:34,040 ...that ever played in South Korea... 859 00:40:34,083 --> 00:40:37,739 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 860 00:40:37,783 --> 00:40:42,483 ...in 1982. I am not making this up. 861 00:40:42,527 --> 00:40:44,224 You can Google this shit. 862 00:40:44,267 --> 00:40:46,400 The movie was called Madame Emma. 863 00:40:46,444 --> 00:40:47,706 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 864 00:40:47,749 --> 00:40:53,407 It was the Deep Throat of South Korea. 865 00:40:53,451 --> 00:40:57,498 I'm like, "That is hilarious, Mom. Did you see the movie?" 866 00:40:57,542 --> 00:40:59,195 She's like, "Oh, no..." 867 00:40:59,239 --> 00:41:01,067 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 868 00:41:01,110 --> 00:41:04,766 "Oh, no, so dirty, so dirty. I no watching, nobody I know watching." 869 00:41:04,810 --> 00:41:09,292 Guys, I googled the shit. Emma was the number one grossing movie... 870 00:41:09,336 --> 00:41:11,817 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 871 00:41:11,860 --> 00:41:15,081 ...in all of South Korea in 1982. 872 00:41:15,124 --> 00:41:16,865 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 873 00:41:16,909 --> 00:41:21,304 So because of this movie, my mom forever associates the name Emma 874 00:41:21,348 --> 00:41:25,178 with just flagrant dick sucking. Just wild. 875 00:41:25,221 --> 00:41:28,790 Just wild Korean fucking. And I'm "Great, no Emma." 876 00:41:28,834 --> 00:41:30,313 Emma is such a wholesome name. 877 00:41:30,357 --> 00:41:34,100 It's a Jane Austen novel, that they've turned into movies. 878 00:41:34,143 --> 00:41:36,624 Can you imagine how many disappointed Korean men 879 00:41:36,668 --> 00:41:39,540 went to go see the Jane Austen Emma? 880 00:41:39,584 --> 00:41:43,065 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 881 00:41:43,109 --> 00:41:45,067 They got their dicks out, they're like, "I'm ready." 882 00:41:45,111 --> 00:41:46,808 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 883 00:41:46,852 --> 00:41:49,637 Then they're like, "What's with all these bitches in bonnets?" 884 00:41:49,681 --> 00:41:52,510 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 885 00:41:52,553 --> 00:41:54,947 "When are these hoes taking their clothes off?" 886 00:41:54,990 --> 00:41:56,296 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 887 00:41:56,339 --> 00:41:59,473 I can't believe I am raising a kid. 888 00:42:00,343 --> 00:42:03,564 I am so not a children person. 889 00:42:03,608 --> 00:42:05,653 Like, I literally never gave a shit about kids. 890 00:42:05,697 --> 00:42:08,961 I didn't want to hold your kid. I didn't want to see pictures of your kids. 891 00:42:09,004 --> 00:42:11,093 Like, I did not give a fuck about kids. 892 00:42:11,137 --> 00:42:15,141 I used to do a joke in my act about Amber Alerts. 893 00:42:15,184 --> 00:42:17,186 You guys get Amber Alerts? 894 00:42:17,230 --> 00:42:18,318 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 895 00:42:18,361 --> 00:42:20,146 We all know them, right? 896 00:42:20,189 --> 00:42:23,671 First of all, did you guys know that your phone could make a noise 897 00:42:23,715 --> 00:42:24,846 that aggressive? 898 00:42:24,890 --> 00:42:27,632 [SHRIEKING] 899 00:42:27,675 --> 00:42:30,678 Holy shit, it sounds like velociraptors giving birth. 900 00:42:30,722 --> 00:42:31,810 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 901 00:42:31,853 --> 00:42:33,463 [SHRIEKING] 902 00:42:33,507 --> 00:42:35,988 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 903 00:42:36,031 --> 00:42:38,860 The first time it happened, I thought the aliens had landed. 904 00:42:38,904 --> 00:42:40,949 [SHRIEKING] I was like, "They found us." 905 00:42:40,993 --> 00:42:43,909 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 906 00:42:43,952 --> 00:42:48,348 Even now, I know what it is. But it's so scary. [SHRIEKING] 907 00:42:48,391 --> 00:42:49,828 Like, " Did I steal the kid?" 908 00:42:49,871 --> 00:42:52,091 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 909 00:42:52,134 --> 00:42:53,440 Is there a kid back here? 910 00:42:53,483 --> 00:42:55,964 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 911 00:42:56,008 --> 00:42:57,923 And I did not give a shit about kids. 912 00:42:57,966 --> 00:43:01,056 So I always thought they should make an Amber Alert for people like me 913 00:43:01,100 --> 00:43:03,015 that's just way more mellow. 914 00:43:03,058 --> 00:43:04,669 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 915 00:43:04,712 --> 00:43:07,976 Like they should make an Amber Alert that's just, "Aww..." 916 00:43:08,020 --> 00:43:10,762 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 917 00:43:11,371 --> 00:43:14,330 Nee-ner... 918 00:43:15,244 --> 00:43:17,420 Wow, look, a kid went missing. 919 00:43:17,464 --> 00:43:19,640 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 920 00:43:21,120 --> 00:43:23,383 Sucks, but... 921 00:43:23,426 --> 00:43:25,254 I'm not going to do shit about it. 922 00:43:25,298 --> 00:43:26,560 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 923 00:43:26,604 --> 00:43:28,693 You want me to go chasing this Nissan Sentra? 924 00:43:28,736 --> 00:43:29,824 I don't think so. 925 00:43:29,868 --> 00:43:32,087 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 926 00:43:34,742 --> 00:43:38,877 Living with a baby is like getting PTSD in slow motion. 927 00:43:39,965 --> 00:43:42,881 I constantly smell phantom shit. 928 00:43:42,924 --> 00:43:44,926 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 929 00:43:44,970 --> 00:43:47,146 I constantly hear crying. 930 00:43:48,016 --> 00:43:49,670 Sometimes it's the baby. 931 00:43:49,714 --> 00:43:51,541 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 932 00:43:51,585 --> 00:43:52,978 I can't stand still anymore. 933 00:43:53,021 --> 00:43:55,197 I stand still and I'm automatically like... 934 00:43:55,241 --> 00:43:58,244 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 935 00:43:58,287 --> 00:44:00,550 ♪ Twinkle, twinkle 936 00:44:01,682 --> 00:44:04,293 And babies are fucking manipulative. 937 00:44:04,337 --> 00:44:06,339 Oh, babies are not helpless. 938 00:44:06,382 --> 00:44:07,427 Oh, no. 939 00:44:07,470 --> 00:44:09,647 Our baby will cry 940 00:44:09,690 --> 00:44:12,954 and it'll start off like normal crying. Like "Wah, wah. 941 00:44:12,998 --> 00:44:15,565 "I'm hungry, wah wah." 942 00:44:15,609 --> 00:44:19,831 But if two minutes go by, and we haven't picked up the baby, 943 00:44:19,874 --> 00:44:22,747 oh, the crying ramps up. 944 00:44:22,790 --> 00:44:29,405 Then it's like, "Waa waa, I'm hungry, bitches. Get your asses in gear! Waa waa!" 945 00:44:29,449 --> 00:44:33,496 And then if another two minutes go by and we still haven't picked up the baby, 946 00:44:33,540 --> 00:44:38,676 oh shit, this baby ramps it up to defcon one. 947 00:44:38,719 --> 00:44:40,503 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 948 00:44:40,547 --> 00:44:45,378 The crying becomes like not only so loud, 949 00:44:45,421 --> 00:44:49,512 but also just devastatingly heartbreaking. 950 00:44:49,556 --> 00:44:52,298 The crying becomes like... 951 00:44:52,341 --> 00:44:55,257 Have you seen the first 10 minutes of Up? 952 00:44:55,301 --> 00:44:59,174 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 953 00:44:59,218 --> 00:45:00,828 This baby is 3 weeks old. 954 00:45:00,872 --> 00:45:03,875 I'm pretty sure the baby has never seen a Pixar movie. 955 00:45:03,918 --> 00:45:08,923 But somehow the baby's like... [WAILING] "Oh, my God..." 956 00:45:08,967 --> 00:45:10,838 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 957 00:45:10,882 --> 00:45:16,148 -"I can't believe his wife died..." -[AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 958 00:45:16,191 --> 00:45:18,324 [CONTINUES WAILING] 959 00:45:18,367 --> 00:45:22,197 "They never got to take their trip." 960 00:45:22,241 --> 00:45:24,286 -[AUDIENCE LAUGHING] -[HELEN WAILING] 961 00:45:25,592 --> 00:45:27,376 Spoiler alert for Up. 962 00:45:27,420 --> 00:45:33,295 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 963 00:45:33,339 --> 00:45:37,691 Sorry. The spoiler alert came after. Yeah, Okay. 964 00:45:37,735 --> 00:45:43,175 My sister and I don't know shit about babies, 965 00:45:43,218 --> 00:45:47,135 which means we get to play this really fun game every day called 966 00:45:47,179 --> 00:45:50,008 "Oh, my God! Is the baby dead?" 967 00:45:50,051 --> 00:45:52,750 -[AUDIENCE LAUGHING] -Every day, every day. 968 00:45:52,793 --> 00:45:54,142 We just stare it at sleeping, 969 00:45:54,186 --> 00:45:55,491 we're like, "Did we kill it?" 970 00:45:57,058 --> 00:45:58,930 We needed help. 971 00:45:58,973 --> 00:46:02,977 Which caused us to do the most insane thing 972 00:46:03,021 --> 00:46:06,720 that two Korean sisters raising a baby can do. 973 00:46:06,764 --> 00:46:12,813 Which is that we actually told our parents about the baby. 974 00:46:12,857 --> 00:46:15,120 And we were very on the fence. We had a whole plan. 975 00:46:15,163 --> 00:46:18,123 We were like, "We're going to pretend like we got into a huge fight. 976 00:46:18,166 --> 00:46:20,473 "We could never be in the same room at the same time. 977 00:46:20,516 --> 00:46:23,128 "You get the baby at Christmas, I'll take the baby at Easter." 978 00:46:23,171 --> 00:46:25,347 Like we had this whole plan. 979 00:46:25,391 --> 00:46:28,873 And it was... You know what makes it more complicated 980 00:46:28,916 --> 00:46:35,270 telling our parents is that, my sister got pregnant via anonymous sperm donor, 981 00:46:36,141 --> 00:46:39,709 using a turkey baster. 982 00:46:39,753 --> 00:46:43,235 Like, imagine explaining that shit to white parents. 983 00:46:43,278 --> 00:46:44,976 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 984 00:46:45,019 --> 00:46:48,544 And now imagine explaining it to Korean parents. Are you kidding? 985 00:46:48,588 --> 00:46:50,242 Their heads would fucking explode! 986 00:46:50,285 --> 00:46:51,678 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 987 00:46:51,721 --> 00:46:54,550 We don't know how to say 988 00:46:54,594 --> 00:46:59,077 sperm donor or turkey baster in Korean. 989 00:46:59,120 --> 00:47:01,122 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 990 00:47:01,166 --> 00:47:04,169 -They never taught that shit in Korean language school. -[AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 991 00:47:06,171 --> 00:47:08,869 None of this is a thing in Korean culture. 992 00:47:08,913 --> 00:47:11,089 So we had to practice telling our parents. 993 00:47:11,132 --> 00:47:14,701 We, like, ran like CIA interrogation drills. 994 00:47:14,744 --> 00:47:17,922 But instead of waterboarding, it was just my mom beating her chest like... 995 00:47:17,965 --> 00:47:20,228 [WAILING] 996 00:47:20,272 --> 00:47:22,665 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 997 00:47:27,453 --> 00:47:30,238 We really... We were like... We were rehearsing, hardcore. 998 00:47:30,282 --> 00:47:33,111 We were like running. Like my sister would be like, "Okay, okay. 999 00:47:33,154 --> 00:47:34,416 "Phew! Okay... 1000 00:47:35,940 --> 00:47:37,811 "Hey, Mom and Dad, 1001 00:47:37,855 --> 00:47:41,946 "remember that one Thanksgiving, we had that really juicy turkey?" 1002 00:47:41,989 --> 00:47:44,296 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 1003 00:47:47,952 --> 00:47:51,129 This is an extremely conflicted time for our parents 1004 00:47:51,172 --> 00:47:53,609 because they finally get a grandchild. 1005 00:47:53,653 --> 00:47:57,309 But they're like, "Why are you both so weird? 1006 00:47:57,352 --> 00:48:01,661 "Why can't you guys do anything normal? Seriously..." 1007 00:48:01,704 --> 00:48:03,358 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 1008 00:48:03,402 --> 00:48:06,274 "This one's a standup comic, this one's turkey basting herself. 1009 00:48:06,318 --> 00:48:07,928 "Oh, my God." 1010 00:48:07,972 --> 00:48:09,060 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 1011 00:48:10,496 --> 00:48:13,412 My parents had to switch churches. 1012 00:48:13,455 --> 00:48:18,112 -Yeah. They go to white church now. -[AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 1013 00:48:18,156 --> 00:48:20,767 This shit was not going to fly at Korean church. 1014 00:48:20,810 --> 00:48:23,030 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 1015 00:48:23,074 --> 00:48:26,120 Can you imagine? Korean church. I don't know if you guys are familiar with Korean church. 1016 00:48:26,164 --> 00:48:29,428 But Korean church is like America's Got Talent. 1017 00:48:29,471 --> 00:48:30,951 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 1018 00:48:30,995 --> 00:48:33,432 And everyone is Simon Cowell... 1019 00:48:33,475 --> 00:48:35,956 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 1020 00:48:36,000 --> 00:48:37,915 But way less encouraging. 1021 00:48:37,958 --> 00:48:40,091 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 1022 00:48:40,134 --> 00:48:43,572 There was no way my parents were gonna just roll up to Korean church 1023 00:48:43,616 --> 00:48:46,749 and announce that they suddenly had a grandchild. 1024 00:48:46,793 --> 00:48:48,577 All their church members would be like, "Wait, wait, wait. 1025 00:48:48,621 --> 00:48:49,622 "When was the wedding?" 1026 00:48:50,753 --> 00:48:54,322 My parents would be like... 1027 00:48:54,366 --> 00:48:58,457 -"Have you ever had a really juicy turkey?" -[AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 1028 00:48:58,500 --> 00:49:02,548 [APPLAUDING] 1029 00:49:06,813 --> 00:49:09,990 I live in South Central L.A, 1030 00:49:10,034 --> 00:49:12,775 because I'm a hard, hard bitch. 1031 00:49:12,819 --> 00:49:14,734 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 1032 00:49:14,777 --> 00:49:17,867 And also it was the only place that we could afford to buy a house. 1033 00:49:17,911 --> 00:49:19,521 [CHUCKLES] 1034 00:49:19,565 --> 00:49:24,048 I live five blocks away from the Boyz n the Hoodhouse. 1035 00:49:24,091 --> 00:49:25,832 You know, the house where Laurence Fishburne 1036 00:49:25,875 --> 00:49:28,966 twirled the balls and contemplated how hot he is. 1037 00:49:31,055 --> 00:49:34,884 I learned this because I was googling my own house 1038 00:49:34,928 --> 00:49:37,539 and the Boyz n the Hood house popped up 1039 00:49:37,583 --> 00:49:41,065 as a historic landmark on Google Maps. 1040 00:49:42,501 --> 00:49:44,372 So if any of you want to 1041 00:49:44,416 --> 00:49:48,028 reenact a drive by from Boyz n the Hood, 1042 00:49:48,072 --> 00:49:51,031 come over to my place, we'll pile into my Prius. 1043 00:49:51,075 --> 00:49:53,294 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 1044 00:49:53,338 --> 00:49:54,992 I'll play Doughboy, 1045 00:49:55,818 --> 00:49:58,125 one of you can be Tre. 1046 00:49:58,169 --> 00:50:02,042 We'll have to find a hot, grown ass man to play Laurence Fishburne. 1047 00:50:02,086 --> 00:50:03,870 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 1048 00:50:03,913 --> 00:50:06,394 We're raising this baby in South Central. 1049 00:50:06,438 --> 00:50:10,268 So when I say, "Oh, I got to go back to my crib," I mean, literally. 1050 00:50:10,311 --> 00:50:13,053 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 1051 00:50:14,881 --> 00:50:17,188 We actually feel very safe in our neighborhood 1052 00:50:17,231 --> 00:50:20,669 because we are kind of famous in our hood. 1053 00:50:20,713 --> 00:50:25,413 We're like the only Asian people in a five mile radius of my house. 1054 00:50:25,457 --> 00:50:28,634 And we confuse the hell out of all of our neighbors. 1055 00:50:28,677 --> 00:50:32,116 They're like, "Oh no, they got a kid, but there ain't no man. 1056 00:50:32,159 --> 00:50:33,900 "They got a chill ass dog, though." 1057 00:50:33,943 --> 00:50:37,077 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 1058 00:50:39,123 --> 00:50:43,170 "They could be lesbians, but they look like one another." 1059 00:50:43,214 --> 00:50:46,043 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 1060 00:50:46,956 --> 00:50:48,393 "I don't know what's going on." 1061 00:50:51,309 --> 00:50:55,182 We have an extremely nosy next door neighbor. 1062 00:50:55,226 --> 00:50:57,793 Hey, if you're concerned about security, 1063 00:50:57,837 --> 00:51:00,840 get yourself an older black woman neighbor. 1064 00:51:00,883 --> 00:51:03,147 Ooh, nothing gets past her. 1065 00:51:04,104 --> 00:51:05,540 She will call us 1066 00:51:05,584 --> 00:51:07,847 and tell us that we have a FedEx package on our porch 1067 00:51:07,890 --> 00:51:10,589 that's been there for three and a half minutes. 1068 00:51:12,634 --> 00:51:16,986 She'll call us to tell us to put more garlic in the soup that we're making... 1069 00:51:17,030 --> 00:51:18,162 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 1070 00:51:18,205 --> 00:51:20,251 ...because it smells weak as shit. 1071 00:51:20,294 --> 00:51:22,296 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 1072 00:51:22,340 --> 00:51:27,258 She will call us to tell us there's a Korean man in a Well Hong T-shirt... 1073 00:51:27,301 --> 00:51:30,130 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 1074 00:51:30,174 --> 00:51:34,265 [APPLAUDING] 1075 00:51:34,308 --> 00:51:36,658 ...and he does indeed look like he's packing. 1076 00:51:36,702 --> 00:51:38,878 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 1077 00:51:41,663 --> 00:51:46,059 I feel like this baby is going to be a major cock block for me. 1078 00:51:46,103 --> 00:51:47,582 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 1079 00:51:47,626 --> 00:51:51,151 Like my dating life was a shit show before the baby. 1080 00:51:51,195 --> 00:51:52,283 [LAUGHING] 1081 00:51:52,326 --> 00:51:54,589 I'm on all the apps, all the apps... 1082 00:51:54,633 --> 00:51:59,420 I'm on Black People Meet. I'm on Grub Hub... 1083 00:51:59,464 --> 00:52:01,422 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 1084 00:52:01,466 --> 00:52:03,076 Just deliver the dick. 1085 00:52:03,120 --> 00:52:07,994 Just deliver the dick, to my face, with a side of fries. 1086 00:52:08,037 --> 00:52:11,302 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 1087 00:52:11,345 --> 00:52:16,698 I hope that we learned from the pandemic that we should try to be nicer 1088 00:52:16,742 --> 00:52:19,136 to each other, right? 1089 00:52:19,179 --> 00:52:22,051 Because there's so much negativity in the world. 1090 00:52:22,095 --> 00:52:26,404 Even before the pandemic, there was so much negativity in the world 1091 00:52:26,447 --> 00:52:29,102 and it was bringing out the worst in people. 1092 00:52:29,146 --> 00:52:33,324 Just before lock down happened, I experienced one of the most petty 1093 00:52:33,367 --> 00:52:37,676 things I have ever experienced in my entire life. 1094 00:52:37,719 --> 00:52:40,809 I was in public and I got into a poop off. 1095 00:52:43,290 --> 00:52:44,552 I'm going to explain it. 1096 00:52:44,596 --> 00:52:45,901 I know you've all been there. 1097 00:52:47,251 --> 00:52:49,688 A poop off is when you're out in public 1098 00:52:49,731 --> 00:52:53,344 and suddenly you've got to take a shit. 1099 00:52:53,387 --> 00:52:56,912 So you go to the public restroom and it's empty and you're like, 1100 00:52:56,956 --> 00:53:00,264 "Yes, I'm going to take the biggest dump in here." 1101 00:53:00,307 --> 00:53:02,875 You go into your stall, you take off your pants, 1102 00:53:02,918 --> 00:53:05,878 you settle in, you're about to do your business 1103 00:53:05,921 --> 00:53:09,011 and then you hear some other bitch walk in. 1104 00:53:09,055 --> 00:53:10,535 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 1105 00:53:11,405 --> 00:53:13,973 Now you're in a holding pattern. 1106 00:53:14,016 --> 00:53:16,367 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 1107 00:53:16,410 --> 00:53:20,066 You hear her go into her stall, she takes off her pants, she settles in 1108 00:53:20,109 --> 00:53:22,808 and then everything goes silent. 1109 00:53:22,851 --> 00:53:26,725 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 1110 00:53:26,768 --> 00:53:30,337 This is when you know you're officially in a poop off... 1111 00:53:30,381 --> 00:53:31,730 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 1112 00:53:31,773 --> 00:53:34,602 ...because ain't nobody in here need to pee. 1113 00:53:34,646 --> 00:53:36,909 Everybody got to shit... 1114 00:53:36,952 --> 00:53:38,127 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 1115 00:53:38,171 --> 00:53:41,609 ...and we can't co-shit with strangers. 1116 00:53:41,653 --> 00:53:45,570 Right? We're not animals or wildebeests 1117 00:53:45,613 --> 00:53:47,572 or men. I know you guys can. 1118 00:53:47,615 --> 00:53:49,748 You guys have no problem just shitting. 1119 00:53:49,791 --> 00:53:51,271 You guys could be ten in a stall. 1120 00:53:51,315 --> 00:53:52,664 Shit! Shit, shit, shit, shit. 1121 00:53:54,709 --> 00:53:56,624 You guys are having shit Olympics in there. 1122 00:53:56,668 --> 00:53:58,235 You don't give a fuck. 1123 00:53:58,278 --> 00:54:01,542 No, ladies, we're a little bit more genteel. 1124 00:54:02,456 --> 00:54:04,415 We know the rules. 1125 00:54:04,458 --> 00:54:07,156 One lady gets to shit now, the other bitch has to go away and shit later. 1126 00:54:07,200 --> 00:54:10,290 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 1127 00:54:10,334 --> 00:54:13,641 And whoever sits there silently longer wins the poop off. 1128 00:54:13,685 --> 00:54:14,686 We all know this. 1129 00:54:16,122 --> 00:54:17,776 So I won. I won the poop off. 1130 00:54:17,819 --> 00:54:21,301 I sat there gritting my teeth, holding my sphincter... 1131 00:54:21,345 --> 00:54:22,520 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 1132 00:54:22,563 --> 00:54:23,695 ...for five minutes. 1133 00:54:23,738 --> 00:54:25,827 I was like, "Argh..." 1134 00:54:25,871 --> 00:54:29,440 Finally, I hear this woman go... [GROANS] 1135 00:54:29,483 --> 00:54:33,182 She gets up, she puts on her pants, she kicks open the door of the stall, 1136 00:54:33,226 --> 00:54:35,533 she washes her hands and then on her way out, 1137 00:54:35,576 --> 00:54:39,711 she does the most petty thing I have ever experienced in my life. 1138 00:54:40,451 --> 00:54:42,583 She turns the light off! 1139 00:54:42,627 --> 00:54:44,455 -[SCREAMING] What! -[AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 1140 00:54:45,064 --> 00:54:46,544 Boom! 1141 00:54:46,587 --> 00:54:47,719 Boom! 1142 00:54:47,762 --> 00:54:48,850 Boom! 1143 00:54:48,894 --> 00:54:51,549 What kinda diabolical shit is this! 1144 00:54:51,592 --> 00:54:55,248 What kinda psycho comic book villain are you? 1145 00:54:55,292 --> 00:54:59,731 What kind of crazy Hannibal Lecter fucked up human are you? 1146 00:54:59,774 --> 00:55:02,037 Now I got to shit in the dark! 1147 00:55:02,081 --> 00:55:04,562 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 1148 00:55:04,605 --> 00:55:06,999 I'm fumbling for the toilet roll. 1149 00:55:07,042 --> 00:55:09,001 I'm hoping the wipe is good. 1150 00:55:10,785 --> 00:55:14,398 As I'm making my way for the door, I'm like, "Oh, lady, 1151 00:55:16,356 --> 00:55:19,838 "I may have won the poop off, but you won the war." 1152 00:55:19,881 --> 00:55:22,841 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 1153 00:55:22,884 --> 00:55:26,453 I travel all over the country and all over the world to do stand-up comedy. 1154 00:55:26,497 --> 00:55:29,500 I have done stand-up comedy in so many different situations. 1155 00:55:29,543 --> 00:55:35,027 I was once invited to do stand-up comedy at a couples resort. 1156 00:55:37,203 --> 00:55:39,336 You know, they have these things like they're in the Poconos. 1157 00:55:39,379 --> 00:55:41,120 They're just huge hotel resorts. 1158 00:55:41,163 --> 00:55:44,689 Just made for couples to like, have sex and ride horses. 1159 00:55:44,732 --> 00:55:45,864 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 1160 00:55:45,907 --> 00:55:47,953 For some reason, there's always horses. 1161 00:55:47,996 --> 00:55:49,302 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 1162 00:55:49,346 --> 00:55:51,173 And they try to make it romantic for couples. 1163 00:55:51,217 --> 00:55:55,395 So everything's covered in rose petals and everything's heart shaped. 1164 00:55:55,439 --> 00:55:58,703 Let me tell you something, everything that makes a couples resort 1165 00:55:58,746 --> 00:56:00,487 romantic for couples 1166 00:56:00,531 --> 00:56:03,490 is depressing when you're there by yourself. 1167 00:56:05,449 --> 00:56:06,754 I walked into my hotel room. 1168 00:56:06,798 --> 00:56:09,583 My room had no windows. 1169 00:56:10,671 --> 00:56:12,804 Just mirrors. 1170 00:56:12,847 --> 00:56:14,762 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 1171 00:56:16,764 --> 00:56:19,854 Every wall was a mirror. 1172 00:56:19,898 --> 00:56:22,422 Which I guess is great if you're getting it on. 1173 00:56:22,466 --> 00:56:25,512 Not so much if you're eating Cheetos alone in bed. 1174 00:56:25,556 --> 00:56:27,296 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 1175 00:56:27,340 --> 00:56:33,477 I was like, "Oh, my God." [CHOMPING] "This is terrible." 1176 00:56:33,520 --> 00:56:36,175 -[AUDIENCE LAUGHING] -[CHOMPING] 1177 00:56:36,218 --> 00:56:40,005 I need to do some sit ups. [CHOMPING] 1178 00:56:40,048 --> 00:56:41,528 Am I going gray? 1179 00:56:41,572 --> 00:56:43,008 -[CHOMPING] -[AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 1180 00:56:47,447 --> 00:56:53,235 I was on the fence about taping this special tonight, 1181 00:56:53,279 --> 00:56:57,152 because they called me three weeks ago and they were like, "Hey, 1182 00:56:57,196 --> 00:56:59,633 "we want to tape your comedy special." 1183 00:57:00,982 --> 00:57:03,681 And I... You know, it's a dream. 1184 00:57:03,724 --> 00:57:07,467 As a stand-up comedian, it's your dream to get offered a big comedy special. 1185 00:57:07,511 --> 00:57:08,990 You're like, "Get the special. 1186 00:57:09,034 --> 00:57:11,645 "I'm going to compile all my best jokes. 1187 00:57:11,689 --> 00:57:13,952 "I'm going to work on it and practice and practice. 1188 00:57:13,995 --> 00:57:16,476 "I'm going to buy a new outfit. I'm going to lose ten pounds." 1189 00:57:16,520 --> 00:57:19,000 No. They called me three weeks ago, I was like, 1190 00:57:19,044 --> 00:57:20,306 "Oh..." 1191 00:57:20,349 --> 00:57:23,178 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 1192 00:57:23,222 --> 00:57:29,794 "Sure, it's not like I've been in the fetal position for a year and a half." 1193 00:57:29,837 --> 00:57:32,361 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 1194 00:57:32,405 --> 00:57:36,496 "Let me wipe the potato chip dust off of my face..." 1195 00:57:36,540 --> 00:57:38,063 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 1196 00:57:38,106 --> 00:57:42,328 -"Put on four pairs of Spanx..." -[AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 1197 00:57:42,371 --> 00:57:45,200 "...and see what comes out of my mouth. Let's do it." 1198 00:57:45,244 --> 00:57:47,507 -[AUDIENCE LAUGHING] -[APPLAUDING] 1199 00:57:47,551 --> 00:57:49,030 Thank you so much. 1200 00:57:49,074 --> 00:57:51,424 -[CROWD CHEERING] -[APPLAUDING] 1201 00:57:51,468 --> 00:57:53,165 Thank you so much for being part of this. 1202 00:57:53,208 --> 00:57:54,340 This was amazing. 1203 00:57:54,383 --> 00:57:56,473 -[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING] -[CROWD CHEERING] 1204 00:57:58,431 --> 00:58:00,433 Thank you! 1205 00:58:00,477 --> 00:58:04,263 -[APPLAUDING CONTINUES] -[CHEERING CONTINUES]