WEBVTT FILE 1 00:00:02.000 --> 00:00:07.000 Downloaded from YTS.MX 2 00:00:08.000 --> 00:00:13.000 Official YIFY movies site: YTS.MX 3 00:00:14.797 --> 00:00:16.494 ANNOUNCER: Ladies and gentlemen, please put your hands together 4 00:00:16.538 --> 00:00:17.843 for Helen Hong! 5 00:00:17.887 --> 00:00:20.542 [CROWD CLAPPING] 6 00:00:25.242 --> 00:00:26.243 Hi! 7 00:00:34.382 --> 00:00:35.383 Wow! 8 00:00:36.079 --> 00:00:39.082 Holy fucking shit balls. 9 00:00:39.126 --> 00:00:40.997 I haven't been on stage in a year. 10 00:00:41.041 --> 00:00:43.913 [LAUGHING] 11 00:00:43.956 --> 00:00:46.002 I really have not been on stage in a year. 12 00:00:46.046 --> 00:00:49.266 So this is either going to be a miracle or flaming shit show. 13 00:00:49.310 --> 00:00:50.311 Let's do this. 14 00:00:51.399 --> 00:00:53.009 [CROWD CLAPPING] 15 00:00:58.145 --> 00:01:01.496 I learned so much about myself during the pandemic. 16 00:01:01.539 --> 00:01:02.845 That was the one good thing, right? 17 00:01:02.888 --> 00:01:05.456 It was like a time of self discovery. 18 00:01:05.500 --> 00:01:08.503 I learned that nothing on earth, 19 00:01:08.546 --> 00:01:11.767 and I mean literally nothing on earth, 20 00:01:11.810 --> 00:01:14.030 will ever get me to read a book. 21 00:01:14.074 --> 00:01:17.468 Nothing, never. It's not happening. 22 00:01:17.512 --> 00:01:19.209 Didn't happen before the pandemic, 23 00:01:19.253 --> 00:01:21.037 not happening now. 24 00:01:21.081 --> 00:01:24.301 And it's not like I didn't have the time. 25 00:01:24.345 --> 00:01:27.130 So that excuse was complete bullshit. 26 00:01:27.174 --> 00:01:30.525 Yeah. I will get all the way to the end of Netflix 27 00:01:30.568 --> 00:01:34.137 and then start back over at the beginning of Netflix, 28 00:01:34.181 --> 00:01:35.704 rather than crack open a book. 29 00:01:35.747 --> 00:01:37.401 It's just not happening. 30 00:01:37.445 --> 00:01:39.186 And I, you know, I like to think of myself 31 00:01:39.229 --> 00:01:44.234 as an erudite, intelligent, some other smart word 32 00:01:45.714 --> 00:01:47.803 person. But I just have to accept the fact 33 00:01:47.846 --> 00:01:50.022 that I am a dumb trash bag who just don't read. 34 00:01:50.066 --> 00:01:52.112 It's not happening. It's not happening. 35 00:01:54.070 --> 00:01:57.029 I also learned that I have zero ability, 36 00:01:57.073 --> 00:02:01.425 zero ability to tell if someone is hot from here, down. 37 00:02:01.469 --> 00:02:02.470 Oh. 38 00:02:04.385 --> 00:02:06.474 We all encountered this, right? 39 00:02:06.517 --> 00:02:11.261 Covid hot. Hot from the mask up. 40 00:02:11.305 --> 00:02:15.047 Right? You see someone at the grocery store, you're like, oh yeah. 41 00:02:15.091 --> 00:02:17.398 Yes. Look at the eyes on you. 42 00:02:17.441 --> 00:02:19.443 Mmm-hmm. Come on over here. 43 00:02:19.487 --> 00:02:21.750 They pull their masks down and you're like, whoa! 44 00:02:21.793 --> 00:02:24.709 Yikes, woofitywoof. What happened there? 45 00:02:24.753 --> 00:02:26.711 I did not see that nose coming. 46 00:02:26.755 --> 00:02:28.409 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 47 00:02:28.452 --> 00:02:31.412 Look at you. You've got big brown eyes and big brown teeth. 48 00:02:31.455 --> 00:02:32.891 Wow, check that out. 49 00:02:32.935 --> 00:02:34.719 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 50 00:02:34.763 --> 00:02:37.418 We were always told that the eyes were the window to the soul. 51 00:02:37.461 --> 00:02:39.246 That's some bullshit. 52 00:02:39.289 --> 00:02:43.380 Now we know this part of the face was doing all the heavy lifting. 53 00:02:43.424 --> 00:02:45.774 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 54 00:02:45.817 --> 00:02:49.691 Like the mouth and the nose are the unsung heroes of hotness. 55 00:02:49.734 --> 00:02:51.345 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 56 00:02:51.388 --> 00:02:54.478 Because you can see someone with really dark sunglasses 57 00:02:54.522 --> 00:02:56.001 and still tell if they're hot. 58 00:02:56.045 --> 00:02:59.657 But this this is the wild, wild west under here. 59 00:03:00.876 --> 00:03:04.184 Things can go sideways really fast. 60 00:03:04.227 --> 00:03:07.056 And I know I've been tricking people to like, if I'm masked up 61 00:03:07.099 --> 00:03:10.973 and someone way out of my league is hitting on me, I'm like, yo, I just 62 00:03:11.016 --> 00:03:13.932 I just want you to know, I know my eye makeup is on point right now, 63 00:03:13.976 --> 00:03:16.326 but I have my original Korean nose under here. 64 00:03:16.370 --> 00:03:19.721 So manage your expectation. We can still fuck. 65 00:03:19.764 --> 00:03:21.723 I mean, we can still do it. 66 00:03:21.766 --> 00:03:23.464 I have no problem. I can keep the mask on. 67 00:03:23.507 --> 00:03:26.815 You could imagine whatever you want is going on under here. 68 00:03:26.858 --> 00:03:30.384 But it's full disclosure. 69 00:03:30.427 --> 00:03:34.779 I was single when the 'Rona started. And, surprise! Still single. 70 00:03:35.824 --> 00:03:38.348 [CROWD CLAPPING] 71 00:03:38.392 --> 00:03:42.134 I can't believe how many people were dating during the pandemic. 72 00:03:42.178 --> 00:03:45.268 I would talk to people, and I'd be like, wait, you're, you're dating? 73 00:03:45.312 --> 00:03:46.922 Like, how? Like, how does that work? 74 00:03:46.965 --> 00:03:49.881 And they'd be, like, we we go on FaceTime dates. 75 00:03:51.100 --> 00:03:52.710 I'm like, what... 76 00:03:52.754 --> 00:03:54.538 So you're just camgirling each other? 77 00:03:54.582 --> 00:03:58.455 You're just... You're just showing each other body parts 78 00:03:58.499 --> 00:04:01.371 and, like, jerking off at the same time over the phone? 79 00:04:01.415 --> 00:04:03.155 And they're like, no, no, Helen. Come on. 80 00:04:03.199 --> 00:04:06.811 We talk and we get to know each other. 81 00:04:06.855 --> 00:04:10.902 And I'm like, when do you do it? 82 00:04:10.946 --> 00:04:14.863 And they're like, never. I'm like, what? So you're just making a new friend? 83 00:04:14.906 --> 00:04:19.302 What? That's... You're making a pen pal over FaceTime? 84 00:04:19.346 --> 00:04:20.956 That sounds horrible. 85 00:04:20.999 --> 00:04:22.305 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 86 00:04:22.349 --> 00:04:24.568 Talking, that's the worst part of dating. 87 00:04:24.612 --> 00:04:29.094 That's... I don't talk to the friends I have now. 88 00:04:29.138 --> 00:04:31.227 I don't need any more phone buddies. 89 00:04:32.750 --> 00:04:35.318 That's not dating. That's genuine human connection. 90 00:04:35.362 --> 00:04:36.406 Gross. 91 00:04:36.450 --> 00:04:38.582 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 92 00:04:38.626 --> 00:04:41.585 Even the apocalypse will not get me to answer the phone. 93 00:04:42.412 --> 00:04:44.196 And don't get me wrong. 94 00:04:44.240 --> 00:04:46.068 Like during the pandemic, I was, you know, I would think about people 95 00:04:46.111 --> 00:04:48.288 that I hadn't talked to in a couple of years. 96 00:04:48.331 --> 00:04:52.117 And I would reach out. I would text them and be like, hey, I hope you're all right. 97 00:04:52.161 --> 00:04:54.903 Through all this craziness, I hope your family is okay. 98 00:04:54.946 --> 00:04:57.558 Sometimes these people would try to call me back. 99 00:04:59.168 --> 00:05:00.517 Whoa! Hey, come on. 100 00:05:00.561 --> 00:05:03.346 Don't break our trust here. 101 00:05:03.390 --> 00:05:06.741 Okay. We have an unwritten social contract. 102 00:05:06.784 --> 00:05:08.743 I text you, you text me back. 103 00:05:08.786 --> 00:05:10.135 Don't try to call me. 104 00:05:10.179 --> 00:05:12.921 Are you insane? I'm still more afraid of answering 105 00:05:12.964 --> 00:05:15.489 the phone than I am of catching the Corona virus. 106 00:05:15.532 --> 00:05:17.839 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 107 00:05:17.882 --> 00:05:20.798 If I text you and you call me back, I'll assume you're all right. 108 00:05:20.842 --> 00:05:22.365 Your shit's going to voicemail. 109 00:05:22.409 --> 00:05:24.541 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 110 00:05:24.585 --> 00:05:28.806 I have a new type of person that I'm into now because of the pandemic. 111 00:05:28.850 --> 00:05:32.419 Yeah, I'm into doomsday preppers. 112 00:05:32.462 --> 00:05:34.246 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 113 00:05:34.290 --> 00:05:35.596 Yeah. 114 00:05:35.639 --> 00:05:37.598 Remember when we thought doomsday preppers 115 00:05:37.641 --> 00:05:40.122 were just cuckoo pants weirdos? 116 00:05:40.165 --> 00:05:41.993 Like, look at this freak. He's digging 117 00:05:42.037 --> 00:05:43.778 an underground bunker. Pffft. 118 00:05:44.692 --> 00:05:46.694 And then Covid happened. 119 00:05:46.737 --> 00:05:49.610 And we had the great toilet paper crisis. 120 00:05:49.653 --> 00:05:51.133 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 121 00:05:51.176 --> 00:05:55.050 And now I'm like, yeah, climb into this bunker, baby. 122 00:05:55.093 --> 00:05:56.094 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 123 00:05:57.792 --> 00:05:59.228 Now, I'm on Tinder. 124 00:05:59.271 --> 00:06:01.535 If you don't have 30 cases of beans in your basement, 125 00:06:01.578 --> 00:06:02.753 swipe left, asshole. 126 00:06:02.797 --> 00:06:04.581 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 127 00:06:04.625 --> 00:06:06.975 No 2,000 pack of mac and cheese? 128 00:06:07.018 --> 00:06:08.019 Keep it moving. 129 00:06:09.281 --> 00:06:12.197 I want someone who's thinking long term. 130 00:06:12.241 --> 00:06:14.243 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 131 00:06:14.286 --> 00:06:19.422 Because the toilet paper shortage was the scariest part of the pandemic, right? 132 00:06:19.466 --> 00:06:23.339 I mean, people were literally getting into fistfights 133 00:06:23.383 --> 00:06:27.517 at Target over toilet paper. 134 00:06:27.561 --> 00:06:32.043 Which says so much about how spoiled we are as Americans. 135 00:06:32.087 --> 00:06:35.177 None of us thought we were going to starve to death. 136 00:06:35.220 --> 00:06:37.440 But crusty asshole, oh that... 137 00:06:37.484 --> 00:06:38.659 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 138 00:06:39.224 --> 00:06:40.443 That was a fear. 139 00:06:40.487 --> 00:06:41.879 [CROWD CLAPPING] 140 00:06:41.923 --> 00:06:43.185 That was a real fear. 141 00:06:43.228 --> 00:06:46.493 Like the supermarkets never ran out of food. 142 00:06:47.494 --> 00:06:49.539 They always had food. 143 00:06:49.583 --> 00:06:53.413 The only things they were out of were cleaning supplies and TP. 144 00:06:53.456 --> 00:06:55.763 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 145 00:06:55.806 --> 00:06:58.766 My parents thought this was the most ridiculous thing. 146 00:06:58.809 --> 00:07:03.335 My parents both survived almost starving to death 147 00:07:03.379 --> 00:07:06.513 in the middle of the Korean War. So they were, like, 148 00:07:06.556 --> 00:07:08.253 what's with the toilet paper? 149 00:07:08.297 --> 00:07:09.429 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 150 00:07:10.778 --> 00:07:13.345 Do people know that if you shit in your house, 151 00:07:13.389 --> 00:07:15.826 you can just jump in the tub? 152 00:07:15.870 --> 00:07:17.567 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 153 00:07:17.611 --> 00:07:19.613 And wash your asshole? 154 00:07:19.656 --> 00:07:21.310 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 155 00:07:21.353 --> 00:07:23.312 I'm like, whoa, whoa, whoa, Mom and Dad. 156 00:07:23.355 --> 00:07:25.488 We are not a third-world country. 157 00:07:25.532 --> 00:07:26.489 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 158 00:07:27.272 --> 00:07:29.318 We don't wash our butts. 159 00:07:29.361 --> 00:07:30.798 Are you crazy? No. 160 00:07:30.841 --> 00:07:34.062 We get into fistfights at Target like civilized people. 161 00:07:34.105 --> 00:07:35.237 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 162 00:07:36.804 --> 00:07:38.196 I totally got caught up in it. 163 00:07:38.240 --> 00:07:40.938 I got caught up in the TP panic. 164 00:07:40.982 --> 00:07:44.812 I was down to my last roll of Charmin and I freaked out. 165 00:07:45.726 --> 00:07:48.555 I drove down to the hood. 166 00:07:48.598 --> 00:07:51.471 I trekked down to, like, little Guatemala, 167 00:07:52.646 --> 00:07:55.779 and I found a tiny little bodega 168 00:07:55.823 --> 00:07:57.520 and they had toilet paper. 169 00:07:57.564 --> 00:07:58.739 But you know what? 170 00:07:58.782 --> 00:08:00.436 It was in Espanol. 171 00:08:02.090 --> 00:08:03.091 Si. 172 00:08:04.571 --> 00:08:08.052 I snatched up cuatros rollos... 173 00:08:08.096 --> 00:08:09.532 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 174 00:08:09.576 --> 00:08:11.491 ...de papel higienico. 175 00:08:11.534 --> 00:08:13.884 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 176 00:08:13.928 --> 00:08:16.713 And I learned something 177 00:08:16.757 --> 00:08:20.674 very interesting about Spanish-language toilet paper. 178 00:08:20.717 --> 00:08:23.024 A lot of the times it's scented. 179 00:08:26.418 --> 00:08:28.943 Right at the top of my cuatros rollos. 180 00:08:28.986 --> 00:08:31.336 Right at the top it says, "Aroma..." 181 00:08:31.380 --> 00:08:32.990 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 182 00:08:33.034 --> 00:08:34.339 "De... 183 00:08:34.383 --> 00:08:36.211 "Manzanilla." 184 00:08:36.254 --> 00:08:37.908 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 185 00:08:37.952 --> 00:08:39.823 Which I Google translated. 186 00:08:39.867 --> 00:08:43.087 It means "scent of chamomile." 187 00:08:43.131 --> 00:08:44.959 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 188 00:08:45.002 --> 00:08:49.964 I had bought chamomile-flavored toilet paper, 189 00:08:50.007 --> 00:08:54.055 which was disappointing because my asshole prefers a nice Earl Grey. 190 00:08:54.098 --> 00:08:55.491 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 191 00:08:57.188 --> 00:08:59.539 Because it was so stressful. 192 00:08:59.582 --> 00:09:02.324 The pandemic was so stressful. 193 00:09:02.367 --> 00:09:04.848 I was grinding my teeth 194 00:09:04.892 --> 00:09:07.982 so badly, and I learned how bad it had gotten 195 00:09:08.025 --> 00:09:11.159 when I finally made my way back to the dentist. 196 00:09:11.202 --> 00:09:14.989 My dentist, by the way, is a 70-year-old Palestinian man. 197 00:09:15.032 --> 00:09:16.425 So he's seen some shit. 198 00:09:17.644 --> 00:09:19.994 And he's like, "Oh, 199 00:09:22.300 --> 00:09:23.301 "Helen. 200 00:09:25.173 --> 00:09:28.524 "Helen, Helen, Helen. 201 00:09:30.047 --> 00:09:32.746 "You are grinding your teeth. 202 00:09:33.921 --> 00:09:36.010 "Grinding, grinding, grinding, grinding. 203 00:09:36.053 --> 00:09:40.144 "I can tell because your jaw muscles are huge." 204 00:09:40.884 --> 00:09:42.582 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 205 00:09:42.625 --> 00:09:44.801 Guys. I'm jacked in the face. 206 00:09:44.845 --> 00:09:46.542 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 207 00:09:48.718 --> 00:09:50.285 Of all the muscle groups 208 00:09:50.328 --> 00:09:51.982 that I wish were ripped on my body. 209 00:09:52.026 --> 00:09:53.810 Not my abs, not my biceps. 210 00:09:53.854 --> 00:09:55.856 No, I have a yoked head. 211 00:09:55.899 --> 00:09:57.248 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 212 00:09:58.467 --> 00:10:01.513 And nobody thinks a huge jaw is hot. 213 00:10:01.557 --> 00:10:05.082 Come on. Nobody's, like, hey, did you see when she pulled her mask down? 214 00:10:05.126 --> 00:10:08.390 Ooh! Her mandibles are thick. 215 00:10:08.433 --> 00:10:09.609 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 216 00:10:11.088 --> 00:10:13.569 I was so stressed out in the middle of the pandemic. 217 00:10:13.613 --> 00:10:16.659 I tried to make an appointment with my doctor. 218 00:10:16.703 --> 00:10:18.618 And my doctor was, like, whoa, whoa, whoa. 219 00:10:18.661 --> 00:10:20.445 We're only doing telemedicine. 220 00:10:20.489 --> 00:10:22.099 You can't come here. 221 00:10:22.143 --> 00:10:24.928 No, we're we're going to Zoom like everybody else is doing. 222 00:10:24.972 --> 00:10:27.235 You can show me the body part that's wrong with you 223 00:10:27.278 --> 00:10:30.412 over your laptop, and I will diagnose you over the Internet. 224 00:10:30.455 --> 00:10:33.371 I'm, like, that sounds like a security nightmare. 225 00:10:33.415 --> 00:10:36.418 But you know what? 226 00:10:36.461 --> 00:10:38.812 Google already has all the pictures of my tits. 227 00:10:38.855 --> 00:10:39.943 So whatever. 228 00:10:39.987 --> 00:10:41.684 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 229 00:10:41.728 --> 00:10:44.034 So I made this appointment with my doctor, 230 00:10:44.078 --> 00:10:45.601 and I'm, like, Doc, you gotta help me out. 231 00:10:45.645 --> 00:10:47.342 I am not doing well. 232 00:10:47.385 --> 00:10:48.952 I'm, like, not sleeping well. 233 00:10:48.996 --> 00:10:50.519 I'm grinding my teeth. 234 00:10:50.562 --> 00:10:51.825 I'm Asian. 235 00:10:54.218 --> 00:10:55.698 Please help me out. 236 00:10:55.742 --> 00:10:58.745 And my doctor, God bless her, goes, 237 00:11:00.660 --> 00:11:02.313 Helen. 238 00:11:02.357 --> 00:11:06.100 Have you tried meditating? 239 00:11:06.143 --> 00:11:07.928 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 240 00:11:10.278 --> 00:11:13.020 Yeah, bitch. 241 00:11:13.063 --> 00:11:14.717 I live in L.A. 242 00:11:14.761 --> 00:11:16.110 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 243 00:11:17.546 --> 00:11:20.288 I bounce up and down on a fucking yoga ball 244 00:11:20.331 --> 00:11:22.551 in the middle of my living room. 245 00:11:22.594 --> 00:11:26.250 I have fucking Deepak motherfucking Chopra going on in the background. 246 00:11:26.294 --> 00:11:28.165 I'm doing that Tibetan singing bowls. 247 00:11:28.209 --> 00:11:29.732 I've got the incense and the tea. 248 00:11:29.776 --> 00:11:31.952 I've got a yoni egg up in my hooha. 249 00:11:31.995 --> 00:11:34.171 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 250 00:11:34.215 --> 00:11:37.218 Yes, I have heard of fucking meditation. 251 00:11:37.261 --> 00:11:39.481 But guess what? We're in the middle 252 00:11:39.524 --> 00:11:42.614 of the apocalypse right now. There's a global pandemic. 253 00:11:42.658 --> 00:11:44.094 Stand-up comedy is dead. 254 00:11:44.138 --> 00:11:45.792 I have lost half my income. 255 00:11:45.835 --> 00:11:48.751 Asian people are getting randomly attacked in the streets. 256 00:11:48.795 --> 00:11:50.753 I think we're a little bit past meditating, okay? 257 00:11:50.797 --> 00:11:52.973 Give me the fucking drugs, bitch. 258 00:11:53.800 --> 00:11:57.499 [CROWD CLAPPING] 259 00:12:00.067 --> 00:12:03.505 Let's triple up my Lexapro, pile on the Zoloft. 260 00:12:03.548 --> 00:12:05.289 Give me the Xanax crushed 261 00:12:05.333 --> 00:12:08.075 so I can snort it because I need it yesterday. 262 00:12:08.989 --> 00:12:10.860 Stop wasting my fucking time. 263 00:12:10.904 --> 00:12:12.296 Let's do this. 264 00:12:12.340 --> 00:12:14.168 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 265 00:12:16.561 --> 00:12:17.867 She said no. 266 00:12:17.911 --> 00:12:19.129 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 267 00:12:20.870 --> 00:12:24.787 Which is why I'm on 300 CBD edibles right now. 268 00:12:25.875 --> 00:12:27.703 [CROWD CLAPPING] 269 00:12:29.487 --> 00:12:30.532 I feel great. 270 00:12:33.230 --> 00:12:36.930 She goes like this. She's, like, Helen, I'll make you a deal. 271 00:12:36.973 --> 00:12:41.325 I will write you a prescription for five Xanax. 272 00:12:41.369 --> 00:12:44.241 And once you get through the five, you come back and see me. 273 00:12:44.285 --> 00:12:46.766 And if you're doing okay, I'll give you another five. 274 00:12:48.463 --> 00:12:50.508 Five fucking Xanax? 275 00:12:50.552 --> 00:12:53.816 That is what I sprinkle on my cereal in the morning. 276 00:12:53.860 --> 00:12:55.209 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 277 00:12:55.252 --> 00:12:57.037 This bitch thinks five Xanax 278 00:12:57.080 --> 00:12:59.691 is going to last me longer than 42 minutes? 279 00:13:00.954 --> 00:13:02.433 Get the fuck out of here. 280 00:13:04.174 --> 00:13:05.654 So I have a doctor friend. 281 00:13:07.351 --> 00:13:08.657 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 282 00:13:09.832 --> 00:13:11.225 Because I'm Korean. 283 00:13:11.268 --> 00:13:12.792 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 284 00:13:12.835 --> 00:13:14.924 And if we're not one, we know one. 285 00:13:14.968 --> 00:13:16.708 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 286 00:13:16.752 --> 00:13:19.320 So I call my doctor friend. I'm, like, yo, 287 00:13:19.363 --> 00:13:23.063 my doctor is being such a stingy bitch. 288 00:13:23.106 --> 00:13:25.239 She'll only give me five Xanax. 289 00:13:25.282 --> 00:13:27.023 What the fuck? 290 00:13:27.067 --> 00:13:28.546 Like, what is she afraid of? 291 00:13:28.590 --> 00:13:30.157 Like, what does she think is going to happen? 292 00:13:30.200 --> 00:13:33.377 That I end up with no teeth, just sucking dick in an alley? 293 00:13:33.421 --> 00:13:35.379 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 294 00:13:35.423 --> 00:13:37.120 And my friend goes, yeah. 295 00:13:37.164 --> 00:13:39.122 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 296 00:13:39.166 --> 00:13:40.732 Yeah, that's the fear. 297 00:13:40.776 --> 00:13:42.169 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 298 00:13:43.605 --> 00:13:44.867 And I'm like... 299 00:13:44.911 --> 00:13:46.086 [GROANS] 300 00:13:48.566 --> 00:13:49.872 Fine. 301 00:13:52.919 --> 00:13:55.182 Will you give me the Xanax? 302 00:13:55.225 --> 00:13:56.226 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 303 00:13:56.966 --> 00:13:58.272 I have shitty friends. 304 00:14:01.188 --> 00:14:02.450 So I got a dog. 305 00:14:04.104 --> 00:14:06.062 [CROWD CLAPPING] 306 00:14:08.369 --> 00:14:10.066 I was so lucky. 307 00:14:10.110 --> 00:14:13.722 I got a dog just before lockdown happened. 308 00:14:13.765 --> 00:14:15.158 Because, you know, you remember 309 00:14:15.202 --> 00:14:17.552 in the middle of quarantine, you couldn't get a dog. 310 00:14:17.595 --> 00:14:18.814 Dogs were sold out. 311 00:14:20.424 --> 00:14:22.774 It was like TP and then dogs. 312 00:14:22.818 --> 00:14:24.298 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 313 00:14:26.300 --> 00:14:28.084 I got this dog 314 00:14:28.128 --> 00:14:30.913 not so much because of the soothing effects of a dog, 315 00:14:30.957 --> 00:14:34.874 but because I heard that dog Xanax is easier to get... 316 00:14:34.917 --> 00:14:36.963 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 317 00:14:38.138 --> 00:14:39.661 ...than people Xanax. 318 00:14:40.531 --> 00:14:42.707 [CROWD CLAPPING] 319 00:14:42.751 --> 00:14:45.449 Did you guys know that dog Xanax 320 00:14:45.493 --> 00:14:48.713 and people Xanax is the exact same shit? 321 00:14:49.366 --> 00:14:51.455 Yes, same stuff. 322 00:14:51.499 --> 00:14:53.849 You just have to play around with the amounts. 323 00:14:53.893 --> 00:14:55.503 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 324 00:14:56.896 --> 00:14:59.507 Like one pill every one hour for you 325 00:14:59.550 --> 00:15:01.552 is one every seven hours for the dog. 326 00:15:01.596 --> 00:15:04.164 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 327 00:15:04.207 --> 00:15:06.427 And you don't have to wrap the pill in bologna or anything. 328 00:15:06.470 --> 00:15:08.777 You can just take it, just take it. 329 00:15:08.820 --> 00:15:11.301 You don't have to mix it in peanut butter. Just take it. 330 00:15:11.345 --> 00:15:13.303 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 331 00:15:13.347 --> 00:15:16.654 I'm going to have this dog on years and years 332 00:15:16.698 --> 00:15:18.395 of anti-anxiety medication. 333 00:15:18.874 --> 00:15:20.745 Years. 334 00:15:20.789 --> 00:15:23.096 At some point, the vet is going to be, like, 335 00:15:23.139 --> 00:15:26.795 Helen, I think your dog is doing okay. 336 00:15:26.838 --> 00:15:27.970 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 337 00:15:28.014 --> 00:15:30.538 And I'm going to be, like, oh God, no. 338 00:15:31.582 --> 00:15:33.193 No, please. 339 00:15:33.236 --> 00:15:36.022 The dog had a horrible Tinder date last night. 340 00:15:36.065 --> 00:15:37.414 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 341 00:15:38.502 --> 00:15:41.114 The dog has been getting some very racist 342 00:15:41.157 --> 00:15:43.159 comments on its YouTube channel. 343 00:15:43.203 --> 00:15:44.944 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 344 00:15:44.987 --> 00:15:49.209 The dog's mom wants it to marry a Korean doctor. 345 00:15:49.252 --> 00:15:51.385 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 346 00:15:52.995 --> 00:15:54.127 It's my mom, guys. 347 00:15:54.170 --> 00:15:55.345 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 348 00:15:56.956 --> 00:16:00.263 My mom wants me to marry a Korean doctor 349 00:16:00.307 --> 00:16:02.309 because that woman stays on brand. 350 00:16:02.352 --> 00:16:04.180 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 351 00:16:04.224 --> 00:16:07.183 And actually, I don't know what the big deal is with Korean doctors. 352 00:16:07.227 --> 00:16:11.013 I had a Korean doctor for a while, and he was the worst doctor. 353 00:16:12.275 --> 00:16:14.408 He was totally phoning it in. 354 00:16:14.451 --> 00:16:16.758 He was playing Fortnite in the corner, 355 00:16:16.801 --> 00:16:19.369 I was like, dude, I'm naked over here. 356 00:16:19.413 --> 00:16:21.719 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 357 00:16:21.763 --> 00:16:24.157 I actually have a theory about Asian doctors. 358 00:16:24.200 --> 00:16:27.377 It is very controversial so buckle up. 359 00:16:27.421 --> 00:16:28.944 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 360 00:16:28.988 --> 00:16:31.642 I think Asian doctors 361 00:16:31.686 --> 00:16:33.688 are the worst doctors. 362 00:16:33.731 --> 00:16:36.082 And it isn't just because my friend wouldn't give me 363 00:16:36.125 --> 00:16:38.214 the fucking Xanax. 364 00:16:38.258 --> 00:16:41.391 By the way, this is a theory that I can have and you can have 365 00:16:41.435 --> 00:16:44.177 and maybe she can have, and none of the fucking rest of you can have. 366 00:16:44.220 --> 00:16:45.743 [CROWD CLAPPING] 367 00:16:46.701 --> 00:16:49.182 So don't try getting all racist 368 00:16:49.225 --> 00:16:50.705 at your doctor's office. 369 00:16:51.314 --> 00:16:52.750 This one's for us. 370 00:16:52.794 --> 00:16:53.969 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 371 00:16:54.752 --> 00:16:56.319 Here's my theory. 372 00:16:56.363 --> 00:16:59.540 I don't want my medical care in the hands of someone 373 00:16:59.583 --> 00:17:02.499 who can't even stand up to their own parents. 374 00:17:07.330 --> 00:17:09.028 I mean, come on, let's face it. 375 00:17:09.071 --> 00:17:11.813 Half of Asian doctors don't want to be doctors at all. 376 00:17:11.856 --> 00:17:14.163 They want to be rappers like the rest of us. 377 00:17:14.207 --> 00:17:16.513 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 378 00:17:16.557 --> 00:17:18.863 And how are you going to fight meningitis 379 00:17:18.907 --> 00:17:22.258 if you can't even fight your own tiger mom, Dr. Kim? 380 00:17:22.302 --> 00:17:23.520 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 381 00:17:25.044 --> 00:17:26.654 I want my doctor to be 382 00:17:26.697 --> 00:17:30.484 a non-Asian, non-Indian, non-Jewish doctor. 383 00:17:32.051 --> 00:17:34.879 Because you know that doctor had to go through some shit. 384 00:17:34.923 --> 00:17:37.578 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 385 00:17:37.621 --> 00:17:39.884 Can you imagine even applying to medical school 386 00:17:39.928 --> 00:17:42.104 with a name like Billy Bob Buckworth? 387 00:17:43.801 --> 00:17:47.544 Oh, okay. Thank you for your application, Billy Bob, 388 00:17:47.588 --> 00:17:50.199 but we have seven Patels in line ahead of you. 389 00:17:50.243 --> 00:17:53.376 So, take a seat. 390 00:17:55.900 --> 00:17:58.164 I feel like I can make fun of Asians 391 00:17:58.207 --> 00:18:00.818 because they're my own people. 392 00:18:00.862 --> 00:18:03.125 The rest of you need to watch yourselves. 393 00:18:05.171 --> 00:18:08.652 Because it's not a fun time to be Asian right now. 394 00:18:08.696 --> 00:18:12.178 No, not a fun time to be Asian right now. 395 00:18:12.221 --> 00:18:17.313 Not only are we being blamed for the end of civilization. 396 00:18:17.357 --> 00:18:21.839 Not only are we being randomly attacked in the streets, 397 00:18:21.883 --> 00:18:25.843 but also our favorite masks are sold out. 398 00:18:25.887 --> 00:18:27.628 What the fuck? That was our thing. 399 00:18:27.671 --> 00:18:29.586 The mask thing was our thing. 400 00:18:29.630 --> 00:18:32.415 We've been on the mask tip for decades. 401 00:18:32.937 --> 00:18:34.417 [CROWD CLAPPING] 402 00:18:34.461 --> 00:18:37.072 Now suddenly the rest of you had jumped on board, 403 00:18:37.116 --> 00:18:40.597 and now I can't find my favorite mask brand anywhere. 404 00:18:41.294 --> 00:18:43.731 What's next, sun visors? 405 00:18:43.774 --> 00:18:45.298 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 406 00:18:49.084 --> 00:18:52.783 We also had to teach the rest of the world 407 00:18:52.827 --> 00:18:56.874 that China is not the only country in Asia. 408 00:18:57.527 --> 00:18:58.920 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 409 00:19:02.793 --> 00:19:04.404 Like, I get it 410 00:19:04.447 --> 00:19:07.798 if you are mad at the Chinese government, I totally get it. 411 00:19:07.842 --> 00:19:10.758 The Chinese government is very fucked up, 412 00:19:10.801 --> 00:19:13.021 and they do a lot of fucked up things. 413 00:19:13.064 --> 00:19:15.110 But what does that have to do 414 00:19:15.154 --> 00:19:17.417 with the millions of Asians 415 00:19:17.460 --> 00:19:21.551 from all over Asia who don't live in China? 416 00:19:21.595 --> 00:19:24.163 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 417 00:19:24.206 --> 00:19:26.730 [CROWD CLAPPING] 418 00:19:29.907 --> 00:19:31.257 I'm Korean. 419 00:19:31.300 --> 00:19:34.216 The worst thing we ever did was the Kia Optima. 420 00:19:34.260 --> 00:19:36.131 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 421 00:19:40.918 --> 00:19:43.704 And we gave you K-Pop. 422 00:19:43.747 --> 00:19:45.053 Yo, we gave you... 423 00:19:45.096 --> 00:19:46.707 [CROWD CHEERING] 424 00:19:48.056 --> 00:19:51.190 We gave you K-Pop, Parasite, 425 00:19:51.233 --> 00:19:52.800 and Korean barbecue. 426 00:19:52.843 --> 00:19:55.019 So suck our fucking dicks. 427 00:19:55.716 --> 00:19:57.021 [CROWD CLAPPING] 428 00:20:01.765 --> 00:20:04.290 I can't believe that we all get lumped in together. 429 00:20:04.333 --> 00:20:08.207 There are like 50 different countries in Asia. 430 00:20:08.250 --> 00:20:11.166 You can tell how varied Asia is 431 00:20:11.210 --> 00:20:13.864 by how crazy the stereotypes are. 432 00:20:13.908 --> 00:20:15.388 They're all over the place. 433 00:20:15.431 --> 00:20:17.564 Asians, we're supposed to be good at math 434 00:20:18.782 --> 00:20:20.480 and laundry. 435 00:20:20.523 --> 00:20:22.003 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 436 00:20:26.616 --> 00:20:30.620 And shooting ping pong balls out of our vaginas? 437 00:20:30.664 --> 00:20:32.231 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 438 00:20:33.667 --> 00:20:35.930 Come on. Come on. 439 00:20:35.973 --> 00:20:39.977 The same person can't be good at all three of those things. 440 00:20:41.152 --> 00:20:42.719 I can't do math. 441 00:20:42.763 --> 00:20:44.286 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 442 00:20:45.200 --> 00:20:46.375 Or laundry, 443 00:20:46.419 --> 00:20:48.421 [CROWD CLAPPING] 444 00:20:53.208 --> 00:20:56.907 There are Asians that are, like, Russian. 445 00:20:56.951 --> 00:21:02.261 Because they're from, like, Kazakhstan or Uzbekistan or one of the stans. 446 00:21:02.304 --> 00:21:04.915 So they look completely Asian like me. 447 00:21:04.959 --> 00:21:09.485 But then they open their mouth and they're like Ivan Drago from Rocky 4. 448 00:21:11.226 --> 00:21:12.271 Nyet. 449 00:21:14.360 --> 00:21:16.318 I must break you. 450 00:21:16.362 --> 00:21:18.102 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 451 00:21:18.146 --> 00:21:20.931 My fantasy. My fantasy 452 00:21:20.975 --> 00:21:23.543 is for one of these fucking coward, 453 00:21:23.586 --> 00:21:27.024 racist piece of shit Asian attackers 454 00:21:27.068 --> 00:21:29.766 to try the fuck with an Asian Russian. 455 00:21:30.289 --> 00:21:31.464 Whoa! 456 00:21:32.421 --> 00:21:34.031 Whoa! 457 00:21:34.075 --> 00:21:35.337 A world of hurt. 458 00:21:36.643 --> 00:21:39.167 Every bone in their body is broken. 459 00:21:39.210 --> 00:21:41.125 Their whole family is dead. 460 00:21:41.169 --> 00:21:44.041 Their dog has been poisoned with plutonium. 461 00:21:44.085 --> 00:21:45.782 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 462 00:21:48.611 --> 00:21:51.614 If he dies, he dies. 463 00:21:51.658 --> 00:21:53.094 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 464 00:21:56.750 --> 00:22:00.319 The anti Asian attacks have gotten so bad. 465 00:22:01.276 --> 00:22:02.756 This is how bad they've gotten. 466 00:22:02.799 --> 00:22:05.106 I started a YouTube channel 467 00:22:05.149 --> 00:22:08.675 in the middle of the pandemic with my parents. 468 00:22:08.718 --> 00:22:13.375 It's called Old Korean Dad Stories and Sometimes Mom, 469 00:22:13.419 --> 00:22:17.379 and I interview them about their amazing life experiences. 470 00:22:17.423 --> 00:22:22.210 Because both of my parents are funny, quirky, interesting people. 471 00:22:22.253 --> 00:22:25.039 And I hope that if I show that to the world, 472 00:22:25.082 --> 00:22:27.955 that maybe people will think twice 473 00:22:27.998 --> 00:22:30.914 about kicking them in the head randomly in the street. 474 00:22:33.177 --> 00:22:35.397 Are you hearing me? 475 00:22:35.441 --> 00:22:40.141 Attacks have gotten so bad that I subjected myself 476 00:22:40.184 --> 00:22:45.146 to teaching 75-year-olds how to download Zoom. 477 00:22:45.189 --> 00:22:46.930 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 478 00:22:46.974 --> 00:22:50.064 Yo, you think love is taking a bullet for someone? 479 00:22:50.107 --> 00:22:52.327 No. 480 00:22:52.371 --> 00:22:56.418 True love is being tech support to old people. 481 00:22:56.462 --> 00:22:58.377 [CROWD CLAPPING] 482 00:23:00.988 --> 00:23:03.425 That's love. That's love. 483 00:23:03.469 --> 00:23:06.297 So please, for the love of God, 484 00:23:06.341 --> 00:23:09.518 stop attacking old Asian people. 485 00:23:09.562 --> 00:23:13.435 Because if I have to teach another geriatric how to AirDrop 486 00:23:13.479 --> 00:23:15.872 I'm going to curb stomp myself. 487 00:23:15.916 --> 00:23:17.396 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 488 00:23:18.745 --> 00:23:21.574 My last name is Hong, H-O-N-G. 489 00:23:21.617 --> 00:23:24.272 And I used to sell these T-shirts at my shows 490 00:23:24.315 --> 00:23:26.274 that said, "Well Hong," on them. 491 00:23:28.885 --> 00:23:32.585 Because I want everyone to know that I have a really big dick. 492 00:23:32.628 --> 00:23:34.282 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 493 00:23:34.325 --> 00:23:35.588 And I sold out. 494 00:23:35.631 --> 00:23:37.111 I couldn't believe it. They were not subtle. 495 00:23:37.154 --> 00:23:39.287 They were like bright blue with big lettering. 496 00:23:39.330 --> 00:23:40.549 "Well Hong." 497 00:23:40.593 --> 00:23:43.030 I sold out of the entire run. 498 00:23:43.073 --> 00:23:45.467 I had one T-shirt left, so I gave it to 499 00:23:46.163 --> 00:23:47.469 my dad. 500 00:23:47.513 --> 00:23:48.470 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 501 00:23:50.777 --> 00:23:54.607 Mr. Hong. And Mr. Hong is adorable. 502 00:23:54.650 --> 00:23:56.478 He's like this tall. 503 00:23:56.522 --> 00:23:58.306 He has totally white hair. 504 00:23:58.349 --> 00:24:02.484 He's a 76-year-old South Korean immigrant, 505 00:24:02.528 --> 00:24:04.921 English is not his first language, 506 00:24:04.965 --> 00:24:07.315 so he had no idea what this shit meant. 507 00:24:07.358 --> 00:24:08.751 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 508 00:24:10.144 --> 00:24:11.188 I give him the shirt. 509 00:24:11.232 --> 00:24:12.886 I'm like Dad. It's just a shirt. 510 00:24:12.929 --> 00:24:15.497 You can wear it around the house, whatever. 511 00:24:15.541 --> 00:24:18.500 I did not know that this man was rocking this thing 512 00:24:18.544 --> 00:24:20.633 out and about in the neighborhood. 513 00:24:20.676 --> 00:24:22.156 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 514 00:24:24.593 --> 00:24:26.552 Until he shows up at my house 515 00:24:27.509 --> 00:24:29.032 wearing the shirt. 516 00:24:30.033 --> 00:24:31.034 And he's, like, Helen... 517 00:24:32.775 --> 00:24:37.214 Well Hong. 518 00:24:38.041 --> 00:24:39.565 What does it mean? 519 00:24:39.608 --> 00:24:41.871 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 520 00:24:41.915 --> 00:24:44.570 Because I'm wearing the shirt and people smiling at me 521 00:24:44.613 --> 00:24:47.486 and giving me thumbs up. 522 00:24:47.529 --> 00:24:48.965 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 523 00:24:49.966 --> 00:24:51.794 High-fiving. 524 00:24:51.838 --> 00:24:53.535 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 525 00:24:53.579 --> 00:24:56.843 Ladies are winking at me. 526 00:24:56.886 --> 00:24:59.759 Sometimes men are winking at me. 527 00:25:01.325 --> 00:25:03.502 Well Hong, what does it mean? 528 00:25:04.372 --> 00:25:06.200 And I'm, like, oh shit. 529 00:25:06.243 --> 00:25:07.244 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 530 00:25:08.158 --> 00:25:09.159 Um... 531 00:25:10.204 --> 00:25:11.684 Well, Dad, uh... 532 00:25:12.859 --> 00:25:16.776 It, uh... 533 00:25:18.342 --> 00:25:21.258 Um... 534 00:25:23.347 --> 00:25:25.915 It means you have a big penis, Dad. 535 00:25:25.959 --> 00:25:27.613 It means you have a big penis. 536 00:25:27.656 --> 00:25:29.092 And then 537 00:25:29.136 --> 00:25:32.792 my tiny, little white-haired 76-year-old Korean father 538 00:25:32.835 --> 00:25:33.836 goes like this. 539 00:25:35.055 --> 00:25:38.449 Ah! 540 00:25:38.493 --> 00:25:39.929 [CROWD CLAPPING] 541 00:25:44.151 --> 00:25:45.152 Well Hong! 542 00:25:51.201 --> 00:25:54.857 So, that's how I found Dad's packing. 543 00:25:54.901 --> 00:25:57.556 Ew. Gross. 544 00:25:57.599 --> 00:26:01.603 I did not need to know that Mr. Hong has a gigantic dong. 545 00:26:01.647 --> 00:26:03.997 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 546 00:26:04.040 --> 00:26:06.303 My parents sent me to Catholic school 547 00:26:07.304 --> 00:26:08.915 which was super fun. 548 00:26:08.958 --> 00:26:12.048 Anybody go to Catholic school? Make some noise. 549 00:26:12.092 --> 00:26:14.398 Catholic. Wow, feel the energy. Uh... 550 00:26:14.442 --> 00:26:15.922 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 551 00:26:15.965 --> 00:26:17.837 Trying to forget. 552 00:26:17.880 --> 00:26:21.014 You know what's super duper fun about me going to Catholic school? 553 00:26:21.057 --> 00:26:23.016 Uh, we're not even Catholic. 554 00:26:23.059 --> 00:26:24.670 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 555 00:26:24.713 --> 00:26:28.369 If you want to teach your kids how much God doesn't love them, 556 00:26:28.412 --> 00:26:30.197 send them to Catholic school. 557 00:26:30.240 --> 00:26:34.027 The nuns will let you know. Oh, God actively hates you. 558 00:26:35.985 --> 00:26:39.032 My parents are Korean Methodist, which... 559 00:26:39.075 --> 00:26:42.731 The difference between Korean Methodist and American Methodist 560 00:26:42.775 --> 00:26:45.168 is like 14% more guilt and shame. 561 00:26:46.343 --> 00:26:49.085 And like 22% better handbags. 562 00:26:49.129 --> 00:26:52.698 It's true. We have. We're well accessorized. 563 00:26:54.047 --> 00:26:56.484 I learned so much about the Catholic religion 564 00:26:56.527 --> 00:26:59.487 by going to Catholic school. I learned that Catholics 565 00:26:59.530 --> 00:27:02.446 eat the body and drink the blood of Christ. 566 00:27:02.490 --> 00:27:04.361 -Like... -[MAN WHOOPING] 567 00:27:04.405 --> 00:27:06.276 You were really excited about that, sir. 568 00:27:06.320 --> 00:27:08.496 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 569 00:27:08.539 --> 00:27:11.107 Is eating Jesus your favorite activity? 570 00:27:11.151 --> 00:27:13.153 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 571 00:27:13.196 --> 00:27:14.894 You're, like, yeah, Jesus! 572 00:27:15.721 --> 00:27:17.070 Yummy, yummy. 573 00:27:17.113 --> 00:27:18.419 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 574 00:27:19.986 --> 00:27:21.683 Catholics eat the body 575 00:27:22.771 --> 00:27:25.644 and drink the blood of Christ 576 00:27:25.687 --> 00:27:27.515 like seven to eight times a week, 577 00:27:27.558 --> 00:27:30.692 which I think is an excessive amount of eating and drinking of Jesus. 578 00:27:30.736 --> 00:27:33.913 That is a lot of eating and drinking of Jesus. 579 00:27:33.956 --> 00:27:36.219 You know doesn't get to eat or drink Jesus at all? 580 00:27:36.263 --> 00:27:38.091 People who aren't Catholic. 581 00:27:38.134 --> 00:27:41.398 I was 8. They made me stand in the back of chapel 582 00:27:41.442 --> 00:27:45.141 while all my little friends got to have delicious helpings of Jesus. 583 00:27:45.185 --> 00:27:46.882 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 584 00:27:48.101 --> 00:27:49.363 I was super jelly. 585 00:27:49.406 --> 00:27:51.365 I was, like, I could use a Jesus snack. 586 00:27:51.408 --> 00:27:52.583 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 587 00:27:53.759 --> 00:27:56.065 I could use a little nibble-o-Christ. 588 00:27:56.109 --> 00:27:57.632 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 589 00:27:57.676 --> 00:28:00.635 So you know what I did? One day, I snuck past the nuns, 590 00:28:01.331 --> 00:28:03.072 I snuck in the line 591 00:28:03.116 --> 00:28:06.336 and I got myself a little taste-o-Jesus. 592 00:28:06.380 --> 00:28:08.687 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 593 00:28:08.730 --> 00:28:11.733 And do you know what I discovered? 594 00:28:11.777 --> 00:28:13.996 Jesus could use a little flavor. Yeah. 595 00:28:14.040 --> 00:28:15.476 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 596 00:28:15.519 --> 00:28:17.739 Jesus is very dry. 597 00:28:17.783 --> 00:28:19.567 [CROWD CLAPPING] 598 00:28:19.610 --> 00:28:21.743 I'm, like, do you have any hummus 599 00:28:21.787 --> 00:28:23.571 I could pair with my Jesus? 600 00:28:23.614 --> 00:28:27.053 Or do you have any peanut butter that I could spread on this Jesus? 601 00:28:28.315 --> 00:28:30.796 Do you guys have a cool ranch Jesus back there? 602 00:28:30.839 --> 00:28:32.145 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 603 00:28:35.191 --> 00:28:37.933 Also, the wine was not wine. 604 00:28:37.977 --> 00:28:40.240 It was Welch's motherfucking grape juice. 605 00:28:40.283 --> 00:28:42.024 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 606 00:28:42.068 --> 00:28:46.376 I was, like, what kind of bullshit are you pulling here, nuns? 607 00:28:46.420 --> 00:28:48.683 I don't remember anywhere in the Bible, 608 00:28:48.727 --> 00:28:50.859 where Jesus said, remember me by drinking 609 00:28:50.903 --> 00:28:53.601 Welch's motherfucking grape juice. 610 00:28:53.644 --> 00:28:55.472 I think we all know 611 00:28:55.516 --> 00:28:58.911 Jesus said, remember me by getting a little tipsy and carbo loading. 612 00:28:58.954 --> 00:28:59.955 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 613 00:29:02.044 --> 00:29:04.133 I don't trust people that never drink. 614 00:29:04.177 --> 00:29:06.614 Never drink, really? Never drink? 615 00:29:06.657 --> 00:29:08.616 You want to feel all the feelings? 616 00:29:08.659 --> 00:29:09.922 What? That sounds horrible. 617 00:29:09.965 --> 00:29:11.358 No, thank you. 618 00:29:11.401 --> 00:29:12.663 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 619 00:29:12.707 --> 00:29:17.799 I was once invited to a dry wedding. 620 00:29:17.843 --> 00:29:18.887 What the fuck? 621 00:29:18.931 --> 00:29:21.020 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 622 00:29:21.063 --> 00:29:22.543 What? Why? 623 00:29:22.586 --> 00:29:25.589 What is the point of going to a wedding, 624 00:29:25.633 --> 00:29:27.896 except to get shitfaced for free? 625 00:29:27.940 --> 00:29:29.202 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 626 00:29:29.245 --> 00:29:31.552 That's the only reason why we go to weddings. 627 00:29:31.595 --> 00:29:32.945 I get invited to this wedding, 628 00:29:32.988 --> 00:29:35.121 it turns out, both sets of parents 629 00:29:35.164 --> 00:29:37.036 are evangelical Christians. 630 00:29:37.079 --> 00:29:39.473 So no booze at this wedding, and I'm like, 631 00:29:39.516 --> 00:29:41.605 uh... 632 00:29:41.649 --> 00:29:44.478 They don't even pull that move in the Bible. 633 00:29:44.521 --> 00:29:47.046 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 634 00:29:47.089 --> 00:29:50.832 Jesus Christ was at a wedding that ran out of wine, 635 00:29:50.876 --> 00:29:53.008 and he was like, "This is unacceptable. This..." 636 00:29:53.052 --> 00:29:55.663 -[AUDIENCE LAUGHING] -[CROWD CLAPPING] 637 00:29:56.185 --> 00:29:58.144 No, no. 638 00:29:59.885 --> 00:30:02.844 We've got to do something about this. 639 00:30:02.888 --> 00:30:04.367 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 640 00:30:04.411 --> 00:30:08.241 The Virgin Mary sprinted up to him and was like, "Jesus, 641 00:30:08.284 --> 00:30:10.504 "get your father on the phone." 642 00:30:10.547 --> 00:30:12.549 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 643 00:30:12.593 --> 00:30:16.162 [MOCKINGLY] If he could knock me up out of nowhere, he can get some wine 644 00:30:16.205 --> 00:30:17.554 back at this wedding. 645 00:30:17.598 --> 00:30:19.513 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 646 00:30:19.556 --> 00:30:23.517 This was the first miracle Jesus Christ ever performed. 647 00:30:23.560 --> 00:30:26.999 Before he walked on water, before he brought anybody back from the dead. 648 00:30:27.042 --> 00:30:30.089 Priority number one, restocking the bar. 649 00:30:30.132 --> 00:30:32.221 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 650 00:30:32.265 --> 00:30:36.443 [APPLAUDING] 651 00:30:36.486 --> 00:30:38.880 He was like, "Wait, what? 652 00:30:38.924 --> 00:30:41.056 "We're out of wine?" 653 00:30:41.100 --> 00:30:43.450 Oh, shit's about to get miraculous up in this bitch. 654 00:30:43.493 --> 00:30:46.932 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 655 00:30:46.975 --> 00:30:50.936 Can you imagine how good that wine must have been that Jesus turned from water? 656 00:30:50.979 --> 00:30:54.330 Can we assume that the J-Man was a dope-ass sommelier? 657 00:30:54.374 --> 00:30:56.463 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 658 00:30:56.506 --> 00:30:57.899 [APPLAUDING] 659 00:30:57.943 --> 00:31:00.771 The son of God is not turning water into Franzia. 660 00:31:00.815 --> 00:31:06.603 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 661 00:31:06.647 --> 00:31:10.781 And how lucky would you be, to be the couple whose wedding it was? 662 00:31:10.825 --> 00:31:13.393 [GASPS] Everybody's talking about your wedding. 663 00:31:13.436 --> 00:31:17.179 "Your wedding, the food, the wine!" 664 00:31:17.223 --> 00:31:19.268 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 665 00:31:19.312 --> 00:31:21.401 "Who did your catering?" 666 00:31:21.444 --> 00:31:22.663 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 667 00:31:22.706 --> 00:31:27.059 And you're like, [LAUGHING] "The Messiah." 668 00:31:27.102 --> 00:31:28.669 -[HELEN LAUGHS] -[AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 669 00:31:28.712 --> 00:31:33.152 Wow. You should see how far that guy can stretch 670 00:31:33.195 --> 00:31:35.937 two fishes in a loaf of bread... Wow. [EXCLAIMING] 671 00:31:35.981 --> 00:31:37.156 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 672 00:31:37.199 --> 00:31:38.635 What a savior! 673 00:31:38.679 --> 00:31:41.508 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 674 00:31:41.551 --> 00:31:43.902 [APPLAUDING] 675 00:31:49.516 --> 00:31:52.301 I had a lot of personal changes during the pandemic. 676 00:31:52.345 --> 00:31:54.173 I had a baby. 677 00:31:55.478 --> 00:31:57.698 -[CROWD CHEERING] -Thank you. 678 00:31:57.741 --> 00:31:59.961 [APPLAUDING] 679 00:32:00.005 --> 00:32:01.223 Okay, I should be honest. 680 00:32:01.267 --> 00:32:03.269 I didn't... I didn't physically have a baby, 681 00:32:03.312 --> 00:32:06.228 okay... I didn't, yikes... No. No. 682 00:32:06.272 --> 00:32:07.490 Ugh... 683 00:32:08.927 --> 00:32:10.189 No. [SCOFFS] 684 00:32:10.232 --> 00:32:13.148 Baby having is not a thing that I do. No... 685 00:32:13.192 --> 00:32:14.236 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 686 00:32:14.280 --> 00:32:16.456 This womb is purely decorative. 687 00:32:16.499 --> 00:32:18.849 Okay... I just... 688 00:32:18.893 --> 00:32:21.069 The only eggs getting action in here 689 00:32:21.113 --> 00:32:22.418 are Cadbury cream. 690 00:32:22.462 --> 00:32:24.551 -[AUDIENCE LAUGHING] -Yeah... 691 00:32:24.594 --> 00:32:28.337 I have Plan B in a Pez dispenser next to my bed. 692 00:32:28.381 --> 00:32:30.122 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 693 00:32:30.165 --> 00:32:31.297 It's Elmer Fudd. 694 00:32:31.340 --> 00:32:33.429 Elmer Fudd gives me Plan B. 695 00:32:33.473 --> 00:32:36.476 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 696 00:32:36.519 --> 00:32:41.916 So how did Plan B Pez bitch end up with a baby? [LAUGHS] 697 00:32:41.960 --> 00:32:43.613 What had happened was, 698 00:32:45.137 --> 00:32:48.270 my sister/roommate 699 00:32:48.314 --> 00:32:52.318 decided to have a baby by herself. 700 00:32:52.361 --> 00:32:57.062 Yeah, she is what is called a single mother by choice. 701 00:32:57.105 --> 00:32:59.107 But because I live with this bitch... 702 00:32:59.151 --> 00:33:01.501 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 703 00:33:01.544 --> 00:33:04.243 ...that makes me a single mother by no choice. 704 00:33:04.286 --> 00:33:05.418 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 705 00:33:06.636 --> 00:33:08.725 No choice. 706 00:33:08.769 --> 00:33:11.902 What a dick move for a roommate, am I right? 707 00:33:11.946 --> 00:33:13.426 I mean, I've had shitty roommates. 708 00:33:13.469 --> 00:33:15.558 I've had roommates leave dishes in the sink, 709 00:33:15.602 --> 00:33:18.170 I've had roommates go through my underwear drawer. 710 00:33:18.213 --> 00:33:21.347 This is the first time I've had a roommate have a baby on me. 711 00:33:21.390 --> 00:33:22.957 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 712 00:33:23.001 --> 00:33:24.828 My sister knows she can take advantage 713 00:33:24.872 --> 00:33:26.700 of the situation, because I'm her sister. 714 00:33:26.743 --> 00:33:28.745 She knows, I'm not going to be like "Yo... 715 00:33:28.789 --> 00:33:30.747 "Good luck with that baby. 716 00:33:30.791 --> 00:33:33.707 -"I'm going to dip." -[AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 717 00:33:33.750 --> 00:33:37.145 -"To my room..." -[AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 718 00:33:37.189 --> 00:33:41.584 -"Which is right there next to your room, yeah." -[AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 719 00:33:41.628 --> 00:33:43.499 My sister fully catfished me. 720 00:33:44.892 --> 00:33:47.634 She was like, "Hey, you're quarantining alone. 721 00:33:47.677 --> 00:33:49.505 "I'm quarantining alone. 722 00:33:49.549 --> 00:33:52.378 "What do you think about buying a house together?" 723 00:33:52.421 --> 00:33:55.903 And I was like, "Shit, you're the one with the good job and the good credit..." 724 00:33:55.946 --> 00:33:57.731 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 725 00:33:57.774 --> 00:33:59.254 I tell dick jokes for a living. 726 00:33:59.298 --> 00:34:01.430 Can you imagine me trying to get a mortgage? 727 00:34:01.474 --> 00:34:03.911 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 728 00:34:03.954 --> 00:34:06.957 The banker would be like, "So, Ms. Hong, what are your assets?" 729 00:34:07.001 --> 00:34:09.699 I'd be like, "I have a really strong jaw." 730 00:34:09.743 --> 00:34:16.402 -[AUDIENCE LAUGHING] -[APPLAUDING] 731 00:34:16.445 --> 00:34:19.622 My sister's like, "No problem. I will put my name on the mortgage, 732 00:34:19.666 --> 00:34:22.843 "we'll still split the house 50/50. It'll be great." 733 00:34:22.886 --> 00:34:24.062 I'm like, "Great." 734 00:34:24.105 --> 00:34:25.933 We buy the house, we move in. 735 00:34:25.976 --> 00:34:27.804 Boom, the second we move in, 736 00:34:27.848 --> 00:34:29.893 she's like, "Surprise, I'm pregnant." 737 00:34:29.937 --> 00:34:32.157 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 738 00:34:33.854 --> 00:34:35.899 This bitch used real estate... 739 00:34:35.943 --> 00:34:37.075 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 740 00:34:37.118 --> 00:34:39.338 ...to get me to be her baby daddy. 741 00:34:39.381 --> 00:34:41.383 -[AUDIENCE LAUGHING] -[CROWD CLAPPING] 742 00:34:42.950 --> 00:34:45.735 That is some diabolical shit. 743 00:34:45.779 --> 00:34:48.999 I know, owning a house is the American dream, 744 00:34:49.043 --> 00:34:51.959 but helping you raise your baby, that is a high cost. 745 00:34:52.002 --> 00:34:55.876 -[AUDIENCE LAUGHING] -That is not fair market value. 746 00:34:55.919 --> 00:34:58.444 Do you know what I did last night? 747 00:34:58.487 --> 00:35:03.623 I sucked tiny snot out of a miniature nostril, 748 00:35:03.666 --> 00:35:06.408 using a straw and my mouth! 749 00:35:06.452 --> 00:35:08.932 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 750 00:35:08.976 --> 00:35:11.239 Bitch, you're getting the utilities. 751 00:35:11.283 --> 00:35:13.372 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 752 00:35:16.114 --> 00:35:17.463 [CHUCKLES SOFTLY] 753 00:35:17.506 --> 00:35:19.595 I'm actually very proud of my sister, 754 00:35:19.639 --> 00:35:22.337 despite the fact that she's a catfishing bitch... 755 00:35:22.381 --> 00:35:24.078 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 756 00:35:24.122 --> 00:35:26.124 She looked around and went, 757 00:35:26.167 --> 00:35:27.647 "You know what? 758 00:35:27.690 --> 00:35:30.171 "I don't want to have a baby with none of you fuckoes." 759 00:35:31.999 --> 00:35:34.262 And she's cute, like she had plenty of offers. 760 00:35:34.306 --> 00:35:38.701 She's super cute and she was like "Nah..." And that's really ballsy. 761 00:35:38.745 --> 00:35:40.921 That's like going to Ikea 762 00:35:40.964 --> 00:35:45.404 and deciding to buy the world's most complicated bookshelf, 763 00:35:45.447 --> 00:35:48.146 dresser, wall unit combo. 764 00:35:48.189 --> 00:35:49.843 And they tell you right out the gate, 765 00:35:49.886 --> 00:35:53.455 this is going to be the hardest thing you're ever going to do. 766 00:35:53.499 --> 00:35:58.808 This thing is going to take you 18 years to build 767 00:35:58.852 --> 00:36:03.857 and there's people in there that are like, "Hey, we could do this together. 768 00:36:03.900 --> 00:36:06.555 "I could help you build this thing." 769 00:36:06.599 --> 00:36:12.213 And my sisters like "No, I just need you 770 00:36:12.257 --> 00:36:14.955 "to hand me your Allen wrench..." 771 00:36:14.998 --> 00:36:18.001 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 772 00:36:18.045 --> 00:36:19.568 "...and then go away." 773 00:36:19.612 --> 00:36:21.483 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 774 00:36:21.527 --> 00:36:23.311 "Because you're just gonna annoy me, 775 00:36:24.530 --> 00:36:27.054 "and I'd rather build this thing myself." 776 00:36:29.274 --> 00:36:30.623 The Allen wrench was the jizz. 777 00:36:30.666 --> 00:36:32.581 You guys got that right? Okay. 778 00:36:32.625 --> 00:36:34.670 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 779 00:36:34.714 --> 00:36:40.285 I can see why my sister chose me over any other dipshit to help her raise her baby. 780 00:36:40.328 --> 00:36:43.462 There are perks to raising a baby with your sister. 781 00:36:43.505 --> 00:36:46.073 You already know how fucked up the in-laws are. 782 00:36:46.116 --> 00:36:48.293 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 783 00:36:48.336 --> 00:36:49.511 If we ever get divorced, 784 00:36:49.555 --> 00:36:51.121 she knows I don't want custody. 785 00:36:51.165 --> 00:36:52.993 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 786 00:36:53.036 --> 00:36:56.692 You don't have to negotiate with anyone over what to name the baby. 787 00:36:56.736 --> 00:37:00.392 She fully could've been like, "Yo, I'm naming this baby Bowling Ball." 788 00:37:02.132 --> 00:37:04.657 And I would have been like, "That's stupid, but okay." 789 00:37:04.700 --> 00:37:05.701 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 790 00:37:07.573 --> 00:37:09.139 Naming the baby was rough. 791 00:37:09.183 --> 00:37:12.317 It was hard to name the baby because we wanted to pick a name 792 00:37:12.360 --> 00:37:14.580 that our parents could pronounce. 793 00:37:14.623 --> 00:37:16.930 That is harder than you might think. 794 00:37:16.973 --> 00:37:21.064 I think that's why every Korean that you have ever met all have the same names. 795 00:37:21.108 --> 00:37:22.240 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 796 00:37:22.283 --> 00:37:23.763 All right. We're all Steve Kim, 797 00:37:24.938 --> 00:37:28.811 Grace Lee, Helen Hong. 798 00:37:28.855 --> 00:37:34.513 -I personally know five other Helen Hong's. -[AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 799 00:37:34.556 --> 00:37:37.516 I went to vote in L. A. County, and they were like, 800 00:37:38.473 --> 00:37:42.434 -Phew! -[AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 801 00:37:43.609 --> 00:37:46.133 "There are 14 Helen Hongs in this county. 802 00:37:46.176 --> 00:37:47.830 "Which the fuck one are you?" 803 00:37:47.874 --> 00:37:50.442 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 804 00:37:50.485 --> 00:37:52.966 This is why I don't have any of my social handles. 805 00:37:53.009 --> 00:37:55.273 All these other fucking Helen Hongs have my shit. 806 00:37:56.143 --> 00:37:57.840 And I can't kill all of them. 807 00:37:57.884 --> 00:37:59.581 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 808 00:37:59.625 --> 00:38:00.974 [APPLAUDING] 809 00:38:02.454 --> 00:38:04.194 I asked my dad, "Why?" I was like, 810 00:38:04.238 --> 00:38:09.156 "Dad, why is Helen such a common name amongst Korean Americans?" 811 00:38:09.199 --> 00:38:15.205 It turns out his generation of Koreans were all taught about Helen Keller. 812 00:38:15.249 --> 00:38:19.558 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 813 00:38:19.601 --> 00:38:24.954 Like, Helen Keller was the most famous American figure 814 00:38:24.998 --> 00:38:29.481 taught in Korean public schools in 1960. 815 00:38:29.524 --> 00:38:33.615 Which makes so much sense. Because they love a quiet woman, don't they? 816 00:38:33.659 --> 00:38:35.182 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 817 00:38:35.225 --> 00:38:37.053 Yeah, real quiet. 818 00:38:37.097 --> 00:38:38.751 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 819 00:38:39.142 --> 00:38:41.014 So... 820 00:38:41.057 --> 00:38:46.193 Helen's like one of the only English names that Korean people know. 821 00:38:46.236 --> 00:38:48.804 And then there's only like seven Korean last names. 822 00:38:48.848 --> 00:38:50.197 So, boom, we're all Helen. 823 00:38:50.240 --> 00:38:51.677 Half of us are Helen Hong. 824 00:38:51.720 --> 00:38:53.113 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 825 00:38:53.156 --> 00:38:56.246 It's hard to find a name that works in both cultures. 826 00:38:56.290 --> 00:38:58.814 Like we were bouncing off baby names with our mom. 827 00:38:58.858 --> 00:39:01.426 I'm like, "Mom, what do you think about the name Mary?" 828 00:39:01.469 --> 00:39:06.822 And she's like, "Oh, Mary? Oh, no..." 829 00:39:06.866 --> 00:39:08.694 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 830 00:39:08.737 --> 00:39:12.698 I'm like "What's wrong with the name Mary?" She's like,"Oh, Mary is 831 00:39:12.741 --> 00:39:16.179 "what they call street dog in Korea." 832 00:39:16.223 --> 00:39:18.443 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 833 00:39:19.487 --> 00:39:20.706 What? 834 00:39:20.749 --> 00:39:23.491 Yeah, Mary is what they call a female dog. 835 00:39:23.535 --> 00:39:25.841 Girl dog, they go "Mary, Mary, Mary." 836 00:39:25.885 --> 00:39:28.191 Boy dog, they go, "Chong, Chong, Chong" 837 00:39:28.235 --> 00:39:30.498 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 838 00:39:33.196 --> 00:39:37.157 So... So, Mary is the Korean word for bitch. 839 00:39:37.200 --> 00:39:38.811 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 840 00:39:38.854 --> 00:39:40.421 She's like, "Bitch? I don't know." 841 00:39:40.465 --> 00:39:43.293 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 842 00:39:43.337 --> 00:39:44.643 All right, no Mary. 843 00:39:44.686 --> 00:39:46.558 "Uh, what do you think about the name Josie? 844 00:39:46.601 --> 00:39:47.820 "Josie is a nice name." 845 00:39:47.863 --> 00:39:49.517 She's like, "Georgie?" 846 00:39:51.476 --> 00:39:52.477 "Oh, no... 847 00:39:54.043 --> 00:39:57.046 "Georgie is not good for Korean pronouncing. 848 00:39:57.960 --> 00:39:59.353 Why? What's wrong with Josie? 849 00:39:59.397 --> 00:40:03.009 She's like, "Um, Georgie sounds like chaagie." 850 00:40:03.052 --> 00:40:06.186 Chaagieis the Korean slang for dick. 851 00:40:06.229 --> 00:40:09.102 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 852 00:40:09.145 --> 00:40:12.801 Cock, weenis. You guys get it. 853 00:40:12.845 --> 00:40:17.023 I'm like, "Okay, no Josie. Oh, what about the name Emma? 854 00:40:17.066 --> 00:40:18.328 "Emma is a beautiful name." 855 00:40:18.372 --> 00:40:22.376 She's like, "Oh, no Emma. Oh, no..." 856 00:40:22.420 --> 00:40:29.514 It turns out, Emma was the name of the first softcore porn movie... 857 00:40:29.557 --> 00:40:31.124 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 858 00:40:31.167 --> 00:40:34.040 ...that ever played in South Korea... 859 00:40:34.083 --> 00:40:37.739 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 860 00:40:37.783 --> 00:40:42.483 ...in 1982. I am not making this up. 861 00:40:42.527 --> 00:40:44.224 You can Google this shit. 862 00:40:44.267 --> 00:40:46.400 The movie was called Madame Emma. 863 00:40:46.444 --> 00:40:47.706 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 864 00:40:47.749 --> 00:40:53.407 It was the Deep Throat of South Korea. 865 00:40:53.451 --> 00:40:57.498 I'm like, "That is hilarious, Mom. Did you see the movie?" 866 00:40:57.542 --> 00:40:59.195 She's like, "Oh, no..." 867 00:40:59.239 --> 00:41:01.067 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 868 00:41:01.110 --> 00:41:04.766 "Oh, no, so dirty, so dirty. I no watching, nobody I know watching." 869 00:41:04.810 --> 00:41:09.292 Guys, I googled the shit. Emma was the number one grossing movie... 870 00:41:09.336 --> 00:41:11.817 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 871 00:41:11.860 --> 00:41:15.081 ...in all of South Korea in 1982. 872 00:41:15.124 --> 00:41:16.865 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 873 00:41:16.909 --> 00:41:21.304 So because of this movie, my mom forever associates the name Emma 874 00:41:21.348 --> 00:41:25.178 with just flagrant dick sucking. Just wild. 875 00:41:25.221 --> 00:41:28.790 Just wild Korean fucking. And I'm "Great, no Emma." 876 00:41:28.834 --> 00:41:30.313 Emma is such a wholesome name. 877 00:41:30.357 --> 00:41:34.100 It's a Jane Austen novel, that they've turned into movies. 878 00:41:34.143 --> 00:41:36.624 Can you imagine how many disappointed Korean men 879 00:41:36.668 --> 00:41:39.540 went to go see the Jane Austen Emma? 880 00:41:39.584 --> 00:41:43.065 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 881 00:41:43.109 --> 00:41:45.067 They got their dicks out, they're like, "I'm ready." 882 00:41:45.111 --> 00:41:46.808 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 883 00:41:46.852 --> 00:41:49.637 Then they're like, "What's with all these bitches in bonnets?" 884 00:41:49.681 --> 00:41:52.510 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 885 00:41:52.553 --> 00:41:54.947 "When are these hoes taking their clothes off?" 886 00:41:54.990 --> 00:41:56.296 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 887 00:41:56.339 --> 00:41:59.473 I can't believe I am raising a kid. 888 00:42:00.343 --> 00:42:03.564 I am so not a children person. 889 00:42:03.608 --> 00:42:05.653 Like, I literally never gave a shit about kids. 890 00:42:05.697 --> 00:42:08.961 I didn't want to hold your kid. I didn't want to see pictures of your kids. 891 00:42:09.004 --> 00:42:11.093 Like, I did not give a fuck about kids. 892 00:42:11.137 --> 00:42:15.141 I used to do a joke in my act about Amber Alerts. 893 00:42:15.184 --> 00:42:17.186 You guys get Amber Alerts? 894 00:42:17.230 --> 00:42:18.318 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 895 00:42:18.361 --> 00:42:20.146 We all know them, right? 896 00:42:20.189 --> 00:42:23.671 First of all, did you guys know that your phone could make a noise 897 00:42:23.715 --> 00:42:24.846 that aggressive? 898 00:42:24.890 --> 00:42:27.632 [SHRIEKING] 899 00:42:27.675 --> 00:42:30.678 Holy shit, it sounds like velociraptors giving birth. 900 00:42:30.722 --> 00:42:31.810 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 901 00:42:31.853 --> 00:42:33.463 [SHRIEKING] 902 00:42:33.507 --> 00:42:35.988 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 903 00:42:36.031 --> 00:42:38.860 The first time it happened, I thought the aliens had landed. 904 00:42:38.904 --> 00:42:40.949 [SHRIEKING] I was like, "They found us." 905 00:42:40.993 --> 00:42:43.909 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 906 00:42:43.952 --> 00:42:48.348 Even now, I know what it is. But it's so scary. [SHRIEKING] 907 00:42:48.391 --> 00:42:49.828 Like, " Did I steal the kid?" 908 00:42:49.871 --> 00:42:52.091 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 909 00:42:52.134 --> 00:42:53.440 Is there a kid back here? 910 00:42:53.483 --> 00:42:55.964 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 911 00:42:56.008 --> 00:42:57.923 And I did not give a shit about kids. 912 00:42:57.966 --> 00:43:01.056 So I always thought they should make an Amber Alert for people like me 913 00:43:01.100 --> 00:43:03.015 that's just way more mellow. 914 00:43:03.058 --> 00:43:04.669 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 915 00:43:04.712 --> 00:43:07.976 Like they should make an Amber Alert that's just, "Aww..." 916 00:43:08.020 --> 00:43:10.762 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 917 00:43:11.371 --> 00:43:14.330 Nee-ner... 918 00:43:15.244 --> 00:43:17.420 Wow, look, a kid went missing. 919 00:43:17.464 --> 00:43:19.640 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 920 00:43:21.120 --> 00:43:23.383 Sucks, but... 921 00:43:23.426 --> 00:43:25.254 I'm not going to do shit about it. 922 00:43:25.298 --> 00:43:26.560 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 923 00:43:26.604 --> 00:43:28.693 You want me to go chasing this Nissan Sentra? 924 00:43:28.736 --> 00:43:29.824 I don't think so. 925 00:43:29.868 --> 00:43:32.087 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 926 00:43:34.742 --> 00:43:38.877 Living with a baby is like getting PTSD in slow motion. 927 00:43:39.965 --> 00:43:42.881 I constantly smell phantom shit. 928 00:43:42.924 --> 00:43:44.926 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 929 00:43:44.970 --> 00:43:47.146 I constantly hear crying. 930 00:43:48.016 --> 00:43:49.670 Sometimes it's the baby. 931 00:43:49.714 --> 00:43:51.541 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 932 00:43:51.585 --> 00:43:52.978 I can't stand still anymore. 933 00:43:53.021 --> 00:43:55.197 I stand still and I'm automatically like... 934 00:43:55.241 --> 00:43:58.244 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 935 00:43:58.287 --> 00:44:00.550 ♪ Twinkle, twinkle 936 00:44:01.682 --> 00:44:04.293 And babies are fucking manipulative. 937 00:44:04.337 --> 00:44:06.339 Oh, babies are not helpless. 938 00:44:06.382 --> 00:44:07.427 Oh, no. 939 00:44:07.470 --> 00:44:09.647 Our baby will cry 940 00:44:09.690 --> 00:44:12.954 and it'll start off like normal crying. Like "Wah, wah. 941 00:44:12.998 --> 00:44:15.565 "I'm hungry, wah wah." 942 00:44:15.609 --> 00:44:19.831 But if two minutes go by, and we haven't picked up the baby, 943 00:44:19.874 --> 00:44:22.747 oh, the crying ramps up. 944 00:44:22.790 --> 00:44:29.405 Then it's like, "Waa waa, I'm hungry, bitches. Get your asses in gear! Waa waa!" 945 00:44:29.449 --> 00:44:33.496 And then if another two minutes go by and we still haven't picked up the baby, 946 00:44:33.540 --> 00:44:38.676 oh shit, this baby ramps it up to defcon one. 947 00:44:38.719 --> 00:44:40.503 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 948 00:44:40.547 --> 00:44:45.378 The crying becomes like not only so loud, 949 00:44:45.421 --> 00:44:49.512 but also just devastatingly heartbreaking. 950 00:44:49.556 --> 00:44:52.298 The crying becomes like... 951 00:44:52.341 --> 00:44:55.257 Have you seen the first 10 minutes of Up? 952 00:44:55.301 --> 00:44:59.174 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 953 00:44:59.218 --> 00:45:00.828 This baby is 3 weeks old. 954 00:45:00.872 --> 00:45:03.875 I'm pretty sure the baby has never seen a Pixar movie. 955 00:45:03.918 --> 00:45:08.923 But somehow the baby's like... [WAILING] "Oh, my God..." 956 00:45:08.967 --> 00:45:10.838 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 957 00:45:10.882 --> 00:45:16.148 -"I can't believe his wife died..." -[AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 958 00:45:16.191 --> 00:45:18.324 [CONTINUES WAILING] 959 00:45:18.367 --> 00:45:22.197 "They never got to take their trip." 960 00:45:22.241 --> 00:45:24.286 -[AUDIENCE LAUGHING] -[HELEN WAILING] 961 00:45:25.592 --> 00:45:27.376 Spoiler alert for Up. 962 00:45:27.420 --> 00:45:33.295 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 963 00:45:33.339 --> 00:45:37.691 Sorry. The spoiler alert came after. Yeah, Okay. 964 00:45:37.735 --> 00:45:43.175 My sister and I don't know shit about babies, 965 00:45:43.218 --> 00:45:47.135 which means we get to play this really fun game every day called 966 00:45:47.179 --> 00:45:50.008 "Oh, my God! Is the baby dead?" 967 00:45:50.051 --> 00:45:52.750 -[AUDIENCE LAUGHING] -Every day, every day. 968 00:45:52.793 --> 00:45:54.142 We just stare it at sleeping, 969 00:45:54.186 --> 00:45:55.491 we're like, "Did we kill it?" 970 00:45:57.058 --> 00:45:58.930 We needed help. 971 00:45:58.973 --> 00:46:02.977 Which caused us to do the most insane thing 972 00:46:03.021 --> 00:46:06.720 that two Korean sisters raising a baby can do. 973 00:46:06.764 --> 00:46:12.813 Which is that we actually told our parents about the baby. 974 00:46:12.857 --> 00:46:15.120 And we were very on the fence. We had a whole plan. 975 00:46:15.163 --> 00:46:18.123 We were like, "We're going to pretend like we got into a huge fight. 976 00:46:18.166 --> 00:46:20.473 "We could never be in the same room at the same time. 977 00:46:20.516 --> 00:46:23.128 "You get the baby at Christmas, I'll take the baby at Easter." 978 00:46:23.171 --> 00:46:25.347 Like we had this whole plan. 979 00:46:25.391 --> 00:46:28.873 And it was... You know what makes it more complicated 980 00:46:28.916 --> 00:46:35.270 telling our parents is that, my sister got pregnant via anonymous sperm donor, 981 00:46:36.141 --> 00:46:39.709 using a turkey baster. 982 00:46:39.753 --> 00:46:43.235 Like, imagine explaining that shit to white parents. 983 00:46:43.278 --> 00:46:44.976 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 984 00:46:45.019 --> 00:46:48.544 And now imagine explaining it to Korean parents. Are you kidding? 985 00:46:48.588 --> 00:46:50.242 Their heads would fucking explode! 986 00:46:50.285 --> 00:46:51.678 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 987 00:46:51.721 --> 00:46:54.550 We don't know how to say 988 00:46:54.594 --> 00:46:59.077 sperm donor or turkey baster in Korean. 989 00:46:59.120 --> 00:47:01.122 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 990 00:47:01.166 --> 00:47:04.169 -They never taught that shit in Korean language school. -[AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 991 00:47:06.171 --> 00:47:08.869 None of this is a thing in Korean culture. 992 00:47:08.913 --> 00:47:11.089 So we had to practice telling our parents. 993 00:47:11.132 --> 00:47:14.701 We, like, ran like CIA interrogation drills. 994 00:47:14.744 --> 00:47:17.922 But instead of waterboarding, it was just my mom beating her chest like... 995 00:47:17.965 --> 00:47:20.228 [WAILING] 996 00:47:20.272 --> 00:47:22.665 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 997 00:47:27.453 --> 00:47:30.238 We really... We were like... We were rehearsing, hardcore. 998 00:47:30.282 --> 00:47:33.111 We were like running. Like my sister would be like, "Okay, okay. 999 00:47:33.154 --> 00:47:34.416 "Phew! Okay... 1000 00:47:35.940 --> 00:47:37.811 "Hey, Mom and Dad, 1001 00:47:37.855 --> 00:47:41.946 "remember that one Thanksgiving, we had that really juicy turkey?" 1002 00:47:41.989 --> 00:47:44.296 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 1003 00:47:47.952 --> 00:47:51.129 This is an extremely conflicted time for our parents 1004 00:47:51.172 --> 00:47:53.609 because they finally get a grandchild. 1005 00:47:53.653 --> 00:47:57.309 But they're like, "Why are you both so weird? 1006 00:47:57.352 --> 00:48:01.661 "Why can't you guys do anything normal? Seriously..." 1007 00:48:01.704 --> 00:48:03.358 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 1008 00:48:03.402 --> 00:48:06.274 "This one's a standup comic, this one's turkey basting herself. 1009 00:48:06.318 --> 00:48:07.928 "Oh, my God." 1010 00:48:07.972 --> 00:48:09.060 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 1011 00:48:10.496 --> 00:48:13.412 My parents had to switch churches. 1012 00:48:13.455 --> 00:48:18.112 -Yeah. They go to white church now. -[AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 1013 00:48:18.156 --> 00:48:20.767 This shit was not going to fly at Korean church. 1014 00:48:20.810 --> 00:48:23.030 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 1015 00:48:23.074 --> 00:48:26.120 Can you imagine? Korean church. I don't know if you guys are familiar with Korean church. 1016 00:48:26.164 --> 00:48:29.428 But Korean church is like America's Got Talent. 1017 00:48:29.471 --> 00:48:30.951 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 1018 00:48:30.995 --> 00:48:33.432 And everyone is Simon Cowell... 1019 00:48:33.475 --> 00:48:35.956 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 1020 00:48:36.000 --> 00:48:37.915 But way less encouraging. 1021 00:48:37.958 --> 00:48:40.091 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 1022 00:48:40.134 --> 00:48:43.572 There was no way my parents were gonna just roll up to Korean church 1023 00:48:43.616 --> 00:48:46.749 and announce that they suddenly had a grandchild. 1024 00:48:46.793 --> 00:48:48.577 All their church members would be like, "Wait, wait, wait. 1025 00:48:48.621 --> 00:48:49.622 "When was the wedding?" 1026 00:48:50.753 --> 00:48:54.322 My parents would be like... 1027 00:48:54.366 --> 00:48:58.457 -"Have you ever had a really juicy turkey?" -[AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 1028 00:48:58.500 --> 00:49:02.548 [APPLAUDING] 1029 00:49:06.813 --> 00:49:09.990 I live in South Central L.A, 1030 00:49:10.034 --> 00:49:12.775 because I'm a hard, hard bitch. 1031 00:49:12.819 --> 00:49:14.734 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 1032 00:49:14.777 --> 00:49:17.867 And also it was the only place that we could afford to buy a house. 1033 00:49:17.911 --> 00:49:19.521 [CHUCKLES] 1034 00:49:19.565 --> 00:49:24.048 I live five blocks away from the Boyz n the Hoodhouse. 1035 00:49:24.091 --> 00:49:25.832 You know, the house where Laurence Fishburne 1036 00:49:25.875 --> 00:49:28.966 twirled the balls and contemplated how hot he is. 1037 00:49:31.055 --> 00:49:34.884 I learned this because I was googling my own house 1038 00:49:34.928 --> 00:49:37.539 and the Boyz n the Hood house popped up 1039 00:49:37.583 --> 00:49:41.065 as a historic landmark on Google Maps. 1040 00:49:42.501 --> 00:49:44.372 So if any of you want to 1041 00:49:44.416 --> 00:49:48.028 reenact a drive by from Boyz n the Hood, 1042 00:49:48.072 --> 00:49:51.031 come over to my place, we'll pile into my Prius. 1043 00:49:51.075 --> 00:49:53.294 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 1044 00:49:53.338 --> 00:49:54.992 I'll play Doughboy, 1045 00:49:55.818 --> 00:49:58.125 one of you can be Tre. 1046 00:49:58.169 --> 00:50:02.042 We'll have to find a hot, grown ass man to play Laurence Fishburne. 1047 00:50:02.086 --> 00:50:03.870 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 1048 00:50:03.913 --> 00:50:06.394 We're raising this baby in South Central. 1049 00:50:06.438 --> 00:50:10.268 So when I say, "Oh, I got to go back to my crib," I mean, literally. 1050 00:50:10.311 --> 00:50:13.053 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 1051 00:50:14.881 --> 00:50:17.188 We actually feel very safe in our neighborhood 1052 00:50:17.231 --> 00:50:20.669 because we are kind of famous in our hood. 1053 00:50:20.713 --> 00:50:25.413 We're like the only Asian people in a five mile radius of my house. 1054 00:50:25.457 --> 00:50:28.634 And we confuse the hell out of all of our neighbors. 1055 00:50:28.677 --> 00:50:32.116 They're like, "Oh no, they got a kid, but there ain't no man. 1056 00:50:32.159 --> 00:50:33.900 "They got a chill ass dog, though." 1057 00:50:33.943 --> 00:50:37.077 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 1058 00:50:39.123 --> 00:50:43.170 "They could be lesbians, but they look like one another." 1059 00:50:43.214 --> 00:50:46.043 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 1060 00:50:46.956 --> 00:50:48.393 "I don't know what's going on." 1061 00:50:51.309 --> 00:50:55.182 We have an extremely nosy next door neighbor. 1062 00:50:55.226 --> 00:50:57.793 Hey, if you're concerned about security, 1063 00:50:57.837 --> 00:51:00.840 get yourself an older black woman neighbor. 1064 00:51:00.883 --> 00:51:03.147 Ooh, nothing gets past her. 1065 00:51:04.104 --> 00:51:05.540 She will call us 1066 00:51:05.584 --> 00:51:07.847 and tell us that we have a FedEx package on our porch 1067 00:51:07.890 --> 00:51:10.589 that's been there for three and a half minutes. 1068 00:51:12.634 --> 00:51:16.986 She'll call us to tell us to put more garlic in the soup that we're making... 1069 00:51:17.030 --> 00:51:18.162 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 1070 00:51:18.205 --> 00:51:20.251 ...because it smells weak as shit. 1071 00:51:20.294 --> 00:51:22.296 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 1072 00:51:22.340 --> 00:51:27.258 She will call us to tell us there's a Korean man in a Well Hong T-shirt... 1073 00:51:27.301 --> 00:51:30.130 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 1074 00:51:30.174 --> 00:51:34.265 [APPLAUDING] 1075 00:51:34.308 --> 00:51:36.658 ...and he does indeed look like he's packing. 1076 00:51:36.702 --> 00:51:38.878 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 1077 00:51:41.663 --> 00:51:46.059 I feel like this baby is going to be a major cock block for me. 1078 00:51:46.103 --> 00:51:47.582 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 1079 00:51:47.626 --> 00:51:51.151 Like my dating life was a shit show before the baby. 1080 00:51:51.195 --> 00:51:52.283 [LAUGHING] 1081 00:51:52.326 --> 00:51:54.589 I'm on all the apps, all the apps... 1082 00:51:54.633 --> 00:51:59.420 I'm on Black People Meet. I'm on Grub Hub... 1083 00:51:59.464 --> 00:52:01.422 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 1084 00:52:01.466 --> 00:52:03.076 Just deliver the dick. 1085 00:52:03.120 --> 00:52:07.994 Just deliver the dick, to my face, with a side of fries. 1086 00:52:08.037 --> 00:52:11.302 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 1087 00:52:11.345 --> 00:52:16.698 I hope that we learned from the pandemic that we should try to be nicer 1088 00:52:16.742 --> 00:52:19.136 to each other, right? 1089 00:52:19.179 --> 00:52:22.051 Because there's so much negativity in the world. 1090 00:52:22.095 --> 00:52:26.404 Even before the pandemic, there was so much negativity in the world 1091 00:52:26.447 --> 00:52:29.102 and it was bringing out the worst in people. 1092 00:52:29.146 --> 00:52:33.324 Just before lock down happened, I experienced one of the most petty 1093 00:52:33.367 --> 00:52:37.676 things I have ever experienced in my entire life. 1094 00:52:37.719 --> 00:52:40.809 I was in public and I got into a poop off. 1095 00:52:43.290 --> 00:52:44.552 I'm going to explain it. 1096 00:52:44.596 --> 00:52:45.901 I know you've all been there. 1097 00:52:47.251 --> 00:52:49.688 A poop off is when you're out in public 1098 00:52:49.731 --> 00:52:53.344 and suddenly you've got to take a shit. 1099 00:52:53.387 --> 00:52:56.912 So you go to the public restroom and it's empty and you're like, 1100 00:52:56.956 --> 00:53:00.264 "Yes, I'm going to take the biggest dump in here." 1101 00:53:00.307 --> 00:53:02.875 You go into your stall, you take off your pants, 1102 00:53:02.918 --> 00:53:05.878 you settle in, you're about to do your business 1103 00:53:05.921 --> 00:53:09.011 and then you hear some other bitch walk in. 1104 00:53:09.055 --> 00:53:10.535 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 1105 00:53:11.405 --> 00:53:13.973 Now you're in a holding pattern. 1106 00:53:14.016 --> 00:53:16.367 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 1107 00:53:16.410 --> 00:53:20.066 You hear her go into her stall, she takes off her pants, she settles in 1108 00:53:20.109 --> 00:53:22.808 and then everything goes silent. 1109 00:53:22.851 --> 00:53:26.725 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 1110 00:53:26.768 --> 00:53:30.337 This is when you know you're officially in a poop off... 1111 00:53:30.381 --> 00:53:31.730 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 1112 00:53:31.773 --> 00:53:34.602 ...because ain't nobody in here need to pee. 1113 00:53:34.646 --> 00:53:36.909 Everybody got to shit... 1114 00:53:36.952 --> 00:53:38.127 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 1115 00:53:38.171 --> 00:53:41.609 ...and we can't co-shit with strangers. 1116 00:53:41.653 --> 00:53:45.570 Right? We're not animals or wildebeests 1117 00:53:45.613 --> 00:53:47.572 or men. I know you guys can. 1118 00:53:47.615 --> 00:53:49.748 You guys have no problem just shitting. 1119 00:53:49.791 --> 00:53:51.271 You guys could be ten in a stall. 1120 00:53:51.315 --> 00:53:52.664 Shit! Shit, shit, shit, shit. 1121 00:53:54.709 --> 00:53:56.624 You guys are having shit Olympics in there. 1122 00:53:56.668 --> 00:53:58.235 You don't give a fuck. 1123 00:53:58.278 --> 00:54:01.542 No, ladies, we're a little bit more genteel. 1124 00:54:02.456 --> 00:54:04.415 We know the rules. 1125 00:54:04.458 --> 00:54:07.156 One lady gets to shit now, the other bitch has to go away and shit later. 1126 00:54:07.200 --> 00:54:10.290 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 1127 00:54:10.334 --> 00:54:13.641 And whoever sits there silently longer wins the poop off. 1128 00:54:13.685 --> 00:54:14.686 We all know this. 1129 00:54:16.122 --> 00:54:17.776 So I won. I won the poop off. 1130 00:54:17.819 --> 00:54:21.301 I sat there gritting my teeth, holding my sphincter... 1131 00:54:21.345 --> 00:54:22.520 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 1132 00:54:22.563 --> 00:54:23.695 ...for five minutes. 1133 00:54:23.738 --> 00:54:25.827 I was like, "Argh..." 1134 00:54:25.871 --> 00:54:29.440 Finally, I hear this woman go... [GROANS] 1135 00:54:29.483 --> 00:54:33.182 She gets up, she puts on her pants, she kicks open the door of the stall, 1136 00:54:33.226 --> 00:54:35.533 she washes her hands and then on her way out, 1137 00:54:35.576 --> 00:54:39.711 she does the most petty thing I have ever experienced in my life. 1138 00:54:40.451 --> 00:54:42.583 She turns the light off! 1139 00:54:42.627 --> 00:54:44.455 -[SCREAMING] What! -[AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 1140 00:54:45.064 --> 00:54:46.544 Boom! 1141 00:54:46.587 --> 00:54:47.719 Boom! 1142 00:54:47.762 --> 00:54:48.850 Boom! 1143 00:54:48.894 --> 00:54:51.549 What kinda diabolical shit is this! 1144 00:54:51.592 --> 00:54:55.248 What kinda psycho comic book villain are you? 1145 00:54:55.292 --> 00:54:59.731 What kind of crazy Hannibal Lecter fucked up human are you? 1146 00:54:59.774 --> 00:55:02.037 Now I got to shit in the dark! 1147 00:55:02.081 --> 00:55:04.562 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 1148 00:55:04.605 --> 00:55:06.999 I'm fumbling for the toilet roll. 1149 00:55:07.042 --> 00:55:09.001 I'm hoping the wipe is good. 1150 00:55:10.785 --> 00:55:14.398 As I'm making my way for the door, I'm like, "Oh, lady, 1151 00:55:16.356 --> 00:55:19.838 "I may have won the poop off, but you won the war." 1152 00:55:19.881 --> 00:55:22.841 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 1153 00:55:22.884 --> 00:55:26.453 I travel all over the country and all over the world to do stand-up comedy. 1154 00:55:26.497 --> 00:55:29.500 I have done stand-up comedy in so many different situations. 1155 00:55:29.543 --> 00:55:35.027 I was once invited to do stand-up comedy at a couples resort. 1156 00:55:37.203 --> 00:55:39.336 You know, they have these things like they're in the Poconos. 1157 00:55:39.379 --> 00:55:41.120 They're just huge hotel resorts. 1158 00:55:41.163 --> 00:55:44.689 Just made for couples to like, have sex and ride horses. 1159 00:55:44.732 --> 00:55:45.864 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 1160 00:55:45.907 --> 00:55:47.953 For some reason, there's always horses. 1161 00:55:47.996 --> 00:55:49.302 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 1162 00:55:49.346 --> 00:55:51.173 And they try to make it romantic for couples. 1163 00:55:51.217 --> 00:55:55.395 So everything's covered in rose petals and everything's heart shaped. 1164 00:55:55.439 --> 00:55:58.703 Let me tell you something, everything that makes a couples resort 1165 00:55:58.746 --> 00:56:00.487 romantic for couples 1166 00:56:00.531 --> 00:56:03.490 is depressing when you're there by yourself. 1167 00:56:05.449 --> 00:56:06.754 I walked into my hotel room. 1168 00:56:06.798 --> 00:56:09.583 My room had no windows. 1169 00:56:10.671 --> 00:56:12.804 Just mirrors. 1170 00:56:12.847 --> 00:56:14.762 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 1171 00:56:16.764 --> 00:56:19.854 Every wall was a mirror. 1172 00:56:19.898 --> 00:56:22.422 Which I guess is great if you're getting it on. 1173 00:56:22.466 --> 00:56:25.512 Not so much if you're eating Cheetos alone in bed. 1174 00:56:25.556 --> 00:56:27.296 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 1175 00:56:27.340 --> 00:56:33.477 I was like, "Oh, my God." [CHOMPING] "This is terrible." 1176 00:56:33.520 --> 00:56:36.175 -[AUDIENCE LAUGHING] -[CHOMPING] 1177 00:56:36.218 --> 00:56:40.005 I need to do some sit ups. [CHOMPING] 1178 00:56:40.048 --> 00:56:41.528 Am I going gray? 1179 00:56:41.572 --> 00:56:43.008 -[CHOMPING] -[AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 1180 00:56:47.447 --> 00:56:53.235 I was on the fence about taping this special tonight, 1181 00:56:53.279 --> 00:56:57.152 because they called me three weeks ago and they were like, "Hey, 1182 00:56:57.196 --> 00:56:59.633 "we want to tape your comedy special." 1183 00:57:00.982 --> 00:57:03.681 And I... You know, it's a dream. 1184 00:57:03.724 --> 00:57:07.467 As a stand-up comedian, it's your dream to get offered a big comedy special. 1185 00:57:07.511 --> 00:57:08.990 You're like, "Get the special. 1186 00:57:09.034 --> 00:57:11.645 "I'm going to compile all my best jokes. 1187 00:57:11.689 --> 00:57:13.952 "I'm going to work on it and practice and practice. 1188 00:57:13.995 --> 00:57:16.476 "I'm going to buy a new outfit. I'm going to lose ten pounds." 1189 00:57:16.520 --> 00:57:19.000 No. They called me three weeks ago, I was like, 1190 00:57:19.044 --> 00:57:20.306 "Oh..." 1191 00:57:20.349 --> 00:57:23.178 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 1192 00:57:23.222 --> 00:57:29.794 "Sure, it's not like I've been in the fetal position for a year and a half." 1193 00:57:29.837 --> 00:57:32.361 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 1194 00:57:32.405 --> 00:57:36.496 "Let me wipe the potato chip dust off of my face..." 1195 00:57:36.540 --> 00:57:38.063 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 1196 00:57:38.106 --> 00:57:42.328 -"Put on four pairs of Spanx..." -[AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 1197 00:57:42.371 --> 00:57:45.200 "...and see what comes out of my mouth. Let's do it." 1198 00:57:45.244 --> 00:57:47.507 -[AUDIENCE LAUGHING] -[APPLAUDING] 1199 00:57:47.551 --> 00:57:49.030 Thank you so much. 1200 00:57:49.074 --> 00:57:51.424 -[CROWD CHEERING] -[APPLAUDING] 1201 00:57:51.468 --> 00:57:53.165 Thank you so much for being part of this. 1202 00:57:53.208 --> 00:57:54.340 This was amazing. 1203 00:57:54.383 --> 00:57:56.473 -[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING] -[CROWD CHEERING] 1204 00:57:58.431 --> 00:58:00.433 Thank you! 1205 00:58:00.477 --> 00:58:04.263 -[APPLAUDING CONTINUES] -[CHEERING CONTINUES]