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Downloaded from
YTS.MX
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A NETFLIX COMEDY SPECIAL
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Official YIFY movies site:
YTS.MX
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CALL THE POLICE
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Hello! Wow!
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Thanks! You're so nice!
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Damn, there is so many of you.
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Damn!
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We haven't really been waiting for this…
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We had to rebook a couple of times.
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We chose the smaller venue for today,
so to speak.
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Damn, it's nice to be here.
I have been touring this fall.
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I have been to places like Falun,
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Kristianstad,
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Borås.
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Me and Borås aren't the best of friends,
you could say.
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So, it's nice to be back in
Stockholm again. At Aviici Arena!
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Wow.
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So, we had to move this show
quite a few times.
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Because of the ongoing pandemic.
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Wasn't that great?
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I'm not going to talk about the pandemic,
but most things were shut down.
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The clubs were shut.
There was no place to do stand-up.
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Restaurants and shops were shut.
So, most things were shut,
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apart from Spy Bar…
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They were open during a short period.
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And I ran at it,
so to speak, at full throttle.
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Drunk as a skunk, I stood there
with a champagne bucket on my head…
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…and someone was filming.
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This was spread in media.
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I became the face of partying
during the pandemic.
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I was the only one who got slammed.
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My agent calls me.
"Don't bring it up in the podcast."
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So, I bring it up in the podcast.
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You know that famous press conference
that Stefan Löfven held,
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the "no more partying" press conference…
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It's about me.
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Just say my fucking name, Stefan.
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That's not how you want
your prime minister to see you.
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You'd like him to see you winning the
UN Peace Prize or some shit like that.
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No, he sees me
throwing all caution to the wind.
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So, my only hobby, which was drinking,
went up in smoke before my eyes.
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So what do you do in a pandemic?
Do I need a new hobby now?
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People got new hobbies
during the pandemic.
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People have started playing padel
and having kids and stuff like that.
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I thought,
"What the hell should I do? What now?"
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I ended up standing on a stage…
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…wearing a dragon costume…
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I don't deserve any applause, I must say.
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For those of you who don't know
what I'm talking about, I hope you don't…
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I was in Masked Singer, season one.
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Wow, thanks.
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Absolutely the worst thing
I've done in my entire life.
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I never agreed to do it.
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I met the producer the other week.
She said, "I don't recall you saying yes."
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"No!"
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"Because I fucking didn't!
Suddenly, I was just there."
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It's the worst thing I've ever done.
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But I've never felt as skinny
as when people thought I was Anja Pärson.
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"Fuck yeah!" I took a look in the mirror…
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I mean… "Okay. I've lost some weight."
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Thinking that I'm Anja Pärson
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is like thinking that
Leif GW Persson will ever not be tired.
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It's never going to happen.
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Poor Anja.
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She got a comment on Instagram,
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"Wow, you're the dragon in Masked Singer."
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There's a fucking heffalump on stage.
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To think that I am her… It's like saying
your best quality is being kind.
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She feels horrible about this.
She's posting content on YouTube.
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It was completely horrible.
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But I think I did it because I had, and
still have, a bit of an identity crisis.
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I think I've been kidnapped.
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Strange reaction.
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I think my parents kidnapped me.
I'll tell you why.
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A few years ago, a friend of mine
had been prescribed a new medication
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and wanted to check her medical records.
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I was in hospital as a kid. I'm allergic
to different things and I take medication.
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So I know there's stuff about me
in the records.
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So, I thought I'd have a look,
just for fun.
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I logged into the online healthcare
platform. There's nothing there.
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Not one single fucking record.
I immediately got suspicious.
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I called my mom. I'll give that old hag
a piece of my mind, I thought.
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So, I called her.
"Hi, darling, how are you?"
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I was like, "Well, hello…
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…Anette.
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Hope all is good with you.
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Just one little question…
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My medical records.
Let's talk about them. Where are they?"
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My mom works in healthcare,
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so, she said, "You have to request
your medical records."
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So, I believed her.
I called the healthcare advice line.
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I spoke to this super nice woman,
Birgitta. We clicked immediately.
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Finally, I said, "Hey, Birgitta…
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Don't you think I should just…
get those records?"
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She said, "Of course you
should have your medical records."
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So, I gave her
my personal identification number,
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but suddenly it went quiet.
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I said, "Hello? Birgitta?
Are you still there?"
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Then she said to me, "Johanna, I'm sorry,
but you don't have any records."
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"Come on, darling Birgitta…
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Call Lena at the hospital in Vasterås.
I've been in hospital, I'm sure."
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She said, "I'm sorry. There's nothing
I can do." And she hangs up.
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This is when I start working
for the Security Service.
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I start an investigation.
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I start calling up friends and family.
I call my grandma.
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"Don't you remember
when I was in hospital?"
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She's like, "No, Johanna.
You've never been in hospital."
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I'm sorry, but that little bitch
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remembers when my sister
got a tetanus shot,
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but when I'm in hospital
for three days she gets Alzheimer's.
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I call my dad. "You remember
when I was in hospital, right?"
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"Johanna, you've dreamed this.
It never happened."
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"It did. You gave me candy.
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I hope it was you,
otherwise it was some other old fucker."
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Suddenly, I get a text from my uncle.
"Stop digging around in this, Johanna."
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I'm quite sure I'll keep digging,
just so you know, Mats.
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The thing is,
I've been in hospital my whole life.
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No, of course not my whole life,
but many times.
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I am in the hospital right now actually,
I have to get back right after the show.
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I have an infusion drip backstage.
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I've been in hospital many times.
I've been allergic and on medication.
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I've been allergic to tomatoes
my entire life.
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But no one has ever wanted to
talk about that at home.
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I'd ask my parents, "When did I
become allergic to tomatoes?"
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"Well…"
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Totally psychotic.
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But I remember going on vacation
to Portugal. I had tomatoes there.
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Big Portuguese tomatoes,
tomato soup, ketchup…
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I remember it so damn well.
But after that trip, it just goes black.
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On the tomato front.
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Which means…
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…that before you…
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…stands…
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…Madeleine McCann.
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I am Madeleine McCann!
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I think I look like her.
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I have stood in front of a mirror
making the same face.
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Oh, boy! Oh, boy!
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Ow, ow, ow!
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It's me, goddamnit!
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I've been saying it since last fall,
but the police haven't taken me in.
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I can see there is something
wrong with me, and I know what it is.
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I've got a mirror, don't worry about that.
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But I've always… I was a strange kid.
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The only thing I ever wanted was pet fish.
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That was the only thing.
It's worse than stick insects.
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But I got three fish. I was so happy.
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I brought them home, gave them names
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and sat and watched them,
since they don't do much.
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I bragged about them in school. I said,
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"I've got pet fish."
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"And we have dignity. Get lost."
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When I got home from school,
my three pet fish were on the floor.
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They had jumped out of the fish tank.
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But moms do as moms do… I mean, "Mom".
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We went and bought three new pet fish.
"Who cares about those fish?"
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I'm so happy. I brag in school.
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Someone throws rocks at me,
I can't remember.
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I get home from school.
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Same thing again.
My three new fish are on the floor.
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Six pet fish committed suicide.
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We know that murders and psychopaths
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systematically torture
and kill animals as kids.
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So, I've been standing outside the
Hinseberg Women's Prison: "Let me in!"
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"I am one of you."
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I think I'm the next Arboga woman.
Seriously.
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The thing is, a friend of me
got a fish for his 18th birthday.
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He wasn't very popular.
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He's not from Stockholm,
so, he was going to visit his parents.
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He asked me, "Johanna, could you please…
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…be my fish sitter?"
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He had no idea about my fish problems.
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I wasn't going to tell him.
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And really, it's not such a hard task.
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"You just have to feed it.
You don't need to be there."
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"Trust me, I'll be there."
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So, I take sick leave for a week.
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I sit there and watch the fish…
I sit there and talk to the fish.
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"Please don't jump,
please don't jump, please…"
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But the fish survived.
It was the happiest day of my life.
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I called my mom.
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Oh, thank you.
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Wow!
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You set the bar pretty low for applause.
You don't give me much credit, do you?
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I called my mom and said,
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"Mom, the fish survived.
There's nothing wrong with me."
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My mom said to me, "That's great to hear."
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"But there's just one little thing
that I need to tell you."
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So, my mom told me,
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"Your pet fish…
They didn't commit suicide.
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It was the cat."
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"So, you thought it was better to say it
was suicide than to say it was the cat?"
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"Are you stupid?"
After that I hate all cats.
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No wonder the Palme murder is unsolved.
It was a fucking cat.
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That's why I'm so into the police.
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Either I'll end up behind bars
or as a police officer.
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Those are my options.
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The conservatives want
3,000 more police officers.
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00:13:34,280 --> 00:13:39,600
Oh no. We need 3,000 new police officers.
Out with the old, in with the new.
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Have you seen the police officers we have?
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We have police officers who are on TikTok.
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This man roams our streets freely.
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When I first saw this,
I was clinically dead.
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But I thought, "It's just one video.
He was on break and he was bored."
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No, there's more.
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Look at that face.
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How is he?
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I'd rather have "Captain Skirt"
come save me than this fucking idiot.
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Imagine calling the police,
and then this guy turns up.
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"I just need to make a TikTok first."
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00:14:45,360 --> 00:14:48,040
Savage Love the killer to death.
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00:14:50,760 --> 00:14:54,800
I love crime shows.
I like Beck. Do you like Beck?
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Okay!
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00:14:58,840 --> 00:15:02,680
I love Beck. I watched it as a kid.
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00:15:02,760 --> 00:15:06,800
It wasn't as if dad put it on when I was
two, Beck - The Girl in the Root Cellar.
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"Gunvald would be nice to fuck."
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I don't know what my real parents
have showed me. But…
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All my friends watched Disney
and shit like that. Not me.
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00:15:21,680 --> 00:15:23,640
I mean, I watched Ariel.
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I did.
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I mean, I watched Ariel,
but only because I liked Ursula so much.
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She's the only character
who realizes that Ariel is a bitch.
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She's got some go in her.
225
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And I love Mikael Persbrandt.
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Mm.
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He's my future husband. He is.
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I know that and he knows it too.
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I don't talk about
anything else in interviews.
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He's got protected identity now,
and adress, which is a shame.
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But I keep my spirit up.
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00:16:05,240 --> 00:16:08,840
I remember in second grade,
we had to draw our idols.
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00:16:08,920 --> 00:16:12,240
All we did was drawing.
I still can't even draw a circle.
234
00:16:12,320 --> 00:16:17,600
And my classmates drew people
like Marcoolio or Michael Jackson.
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I drew Micke P.
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I've never been so thorough
in my entire life.
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I sat there drawing carefully.
238
00:16:29,440 --> 00:16:32,760
My teacher walked around
looking at everybody's drawings.
239
00:16:32,840 --> 00:16:34,840
E-Type and stuff like that.
240
00:16:35,800 --> 00:16:37,240
Who would draw E-Type?
241
00:16:39,120 --> 00:16:40,840
Likely idol…
242
00:16:43,120 --> 00:16:47,160
My teacher walked up to me and said…
243
00:16:47,840 --> 00:16:49,080
"Johanna,
244
00:16:50,160 --> 00:16:51,480
what is this?"
245
00:16:52,560 --> 00:16:53,600
I was like…
246
00:16:57,160 --> 00:16:58,480
"It's Micke P."
247
00:16:59,720 --> 00:17:01,480
"Doesn't he look good naked?"
248
00:17:11,200 --> 00:17:15,800
It's not normal to draw
Mikael Persbrandt naked in second grade.
249
00:17:15,880 --> 00:17:17,000
I wasn't normal.
250
00:17:17,080 --> 00:17:20,720
I was fucking awful in school.
I was worse than "Hyper-Adam".
251
00:17:22,040 --> 00:17:24,480
We all had a "Hyper-Adam" in our class.
252
00:17:25,280 --> 00:17:27,400
I was worse than him. Get it?
253
00:17:27,480 --> 00:17:29,640
I've thought about
all the school subjects.
254
00:17:29,720 --> 00:17:32,600
Like home economics.
What the hell was that?
255
00:17:33,480 --> 00:17:38,280
You ate. That's all you did.
I had a teacher called Lisbeth.
256
00:17:39,760 --> 00:17:44,080
She wore Birkenstocks,
used the cookbook as an accessory
257
00:17:44,160 --> 00:17:46,200
and was skipping between the classrooms.
258
00:17:47,640 --> 00:17:51,440
And you could behave so badly in
home economics without being told off.
259
00:17:51,520 --> 00:17:55,280
I'd burn the scones. Lisbeth would say,
260
00:17:55,360 --> 00:17:59,520
"Next time, just bake them
for 10 minutes instead of 15."
261
00:18:00,800 --> 00:18:01,880
"Okay."
262
00:18:03,440 --> 00:18:06,000
I'd break the stove. Lisbeth would say,
263
00:18:06,080 --> 00:18:08,720
"You'll just have to call the repairman."
264
00:18:10,120 --> 00:18:13,480
I'd burn down
the whole goddamned classroom.
265
00:18:13,560 --> 00:18:16,640
Lisbeth was excited when the firemen came.
266
00:18:17,800 --> 00:18:21,480
You could behave
so badly without being told off.
267
00:18:22,280 --> 00:18:25,200
But if you washed dishes
under running water…
268
00:18:33,080 --> 00:18:34,600
…all hell would be let loose!
269
00:18:35,600 --> 00:18:40,760
The social services would be called in
and you'd have to spend Christmas away.
270
00:18:44,000 --> 00:18:47,200
And I think because
I was such a strange kid myself,
271
00:18:47,280 --> 00:18:49,240
I hate kids.
272
00:18:50,040 --> 00:18:51,840
I hate kids. Period.
273
00:18:52,760 --> 00:18:56,840
Partly because I was a strange kid,
but also because of my first stand-up gig.
274
00:18:57,640 --> 00:19:01,480
My first stand-up gig was
for the Young Allergics Association.
275
00:19:03,720 --> 00:19:05,800
It's social suicide, for sure.
276
00:19:07,280 --> 00:19:08,880
My friend William Spetz
277
00:19:08,960 --> 00:19:12,520
was asked if he could do stand-up
at their conference.
278
00:19:12,600 --> 00:19:17,960
They we're to be 18 to 35 years old,
they would be drinking and in a good mood.
279
00:19:18,040 --> 00:19:21,640
They asked him if he could do
40 minutes of stand-up.
280
00:19:21,720 --> 00:19:24,920
He said, "No, I've never done stand-up.
I can't do 40 minutes.
281
00:19:25,000 --> 00:19:29,240
But a friend of mine would love to try.
Maybe we could do 20 minutes each."
282
00:19:30,040 --> 00:19:34,040
So, I said yes to this.
May I add that this was in Örebro.
283
00:19:37,040 --> 00:19:38,880
A fucking shithole.
284
00:19:42,000 --> 00:19:46,000
I was excited
about finally doing stand-up,
285
00:19:46,080 --> 00:19:50,280
so write 20 minutes of material about
how much I hate people who are allergic.
286
00:19:51,800 --> 00:19:54,480
We go there, I walk in,
287
00:19:54,560 --> 00:19:57,440
and I see 30 pairs of shoes
in the size for 10-year-olds.
288
00:19:58,280 --> 00:20:00,840
"What the hell is going on?"
289
00:20:00,920 --> 00:20:04,960
William had just done the Swedish
Eurovision, so kids are running at us…
290
00:20:05,040 --> 00:20:08,040
"Move, fatso!"
"What the hell is going on?!"
291
00:20:09,080 --> 00:20:10,480
We had been duped.
292
00:20:10,560 --> 00:20:13,120
We're at a camp
for kids who don't have any friends.
293
00:20:13,680 --> 00:20:17,320
Kids who say, "Are you allergic
to flowers too?" That's where we're at.
294
00:20:18,560 --> 00:20:23,000
I think, "I've written 20 minutes
about how much I hate these kids."
295
00:20:23,640 --> 00:20:27,200
"I can't say this. I just can't."
296
00:20:28,600 --> 00:20:30,160
But I did anyway.
297
00:20:32,480 --> 00:20:35,960
The first thing I say is that
I think peanut allergics should die.
298
00:20:37,960 --> 00:20:40,040
Felix on front row starts crying.
299
00:20:40,960 --> 00:20:43,280
Then I say, "You know when you suck cock…"
300
00:20:43,360 --> 00:20:44,520
No!
301
00:20:45,080 --> 00:20:48,000
They're 10 years old, Johanna.
Are you stupid?
302
00:20:48,800 --> 00:20:51,520
Also, we had to stay there overnight.
303
00:20:53,040 --> 00:20:56,920
Imagine the atmosphere over breakfast.
It wasn't great.
304
00:20:57,000 --> 00:20:59,640
So, I'm not really fond of kids. Sue me.
305
00:21:02,320 --> 00:21:05,080
Which isn't great,
because my sister has two kids.
306
00:21:06,000 --> 00:21:08,720
I thought one would have been enough.
307
00:21:09,760 --> 00:21:12,480
But she decided to
squeeze another one out.
308
00:21:13,960 --> 00:21:16,280
Saying that, I like the new kid more.
309
00:21:17,520 --> 00:21:20,760
She's five months old.
She doesn't talk. It's brilliant.
310
00:21:20,840 --> 00:21:24,000
The other one is 4,5 years.
She doesn't get irony.
311
00:21:24,640 --> 00:21:26,840
We just stand there looking at each other.
312
00:21:31,040 --> 00:21:32,280
"Move."
313
00:21:33,560 --> 00:21:36,080
My sister was crazy when she was pregnant.
314
00:21:36,160 --> 00:21:39,280
She swallowed all the pregnancy myths.
315
00:21:39,360 --> 00:21:43,240
She'd come to me and say,
"Johanna… Check out my pregnancy glow."
316
00:21:44,680 --> 00:21:46,800
"Yes, you're sweating.
317
00:21:47,760 --> 00:21:50,280
You're dripping, I mean…"
318
00:21:50,920 --> 00:21:54,080
"Look at my hair,
it's so long and thick and shiny."
319
00:21:54,760 --> 00:21:56,320
"It's greasy, Emelie.
320
00:21:57,760 --> 00:22:00,640
You haven't showered for nine months."
321
00:22:00,720 --> 00:22:04,160
"Look, my breasts are so big."
322
00:22:04,240 --> 00:22:06,240
"You look like a milk cow."
323
00:22:08,800 --> 00:22:13,040
Totally crazy. Now, she wants to become
the new Greta and save the world.
324
00:22:13,680 --> 00:22:17,920
I mean, we all have dreams and goals,
but there has to be some limit.
325
00:22:18,000 --> 00:22:22,120
She's started talking about
joining the donor register.
326
00:22:22,200 --> 00:22:24,360
Are you in the donor register?
Clap your hands.
327
00:22:24,920 --> 00:22:26,520
There's a few of you.
328
00:22:28,280 --> 00:22:30,720
I can see you looking…
I am coming for you.
329
00:22:32,720 --> 00:22:35,440
How old are you? 23.
330
00:22:35,520 --> 00:22:37,960
How long have you been
in the donor register?
331
00:22:38,040 --> 00:22:40,160
Three years. Why did you join?
332
00:22:42,280 --> 00:22:43,520
You don't know?
333
00:22:44,440 --> 00:22:45,400
Perfect.
334
00:22:46,160 --> 00:22:47,240
What did you say?
335
00:22:48,240 --> 00:22:49,600
"You are supposed to."
336
00:22:50,600 --> 00:22:53,600
Is that how you decide on everything?
"You are supposed to."
337
00:22:54,440 --> 00:22:57,440
It's a pretty big decision
to let people carve you up.
338
00:22:57,520 --> 00:23:00,240
Have you been kidnapped too?
It's like we have…
339
00:23:02,680 --> 00:23:03,800
Oh well.
340
00:23:05,640 --> 00:23:08,160
Is it mostly for the sake
of your conscience…?
341
00:23:09,200 --> 00:23:11,960
So, what else have you signed up for?
342
00:23:14,160 --> 00:23:17,120
KP? WWF?
343
00:23:17,920 --> 00:23:21,920
Do you donate money every month?
No, you don't. I can tell.
344
00:23:23,280 --> 00:23:24,920
To Bianca Ingrosso perhaps.
345
00:23:25,600 --> 00:23:26,880
To CAIA.
346
00:23:29,440 --> 00:23:30,720
Incredible. Thanks.
347
00:23:33,880 --> 00:23:37,600
Thanks! Good to have you with us.
I'm not in the donor register.
348
00:23:38,240 --> 00:23:41,960
I'll tell you why
I'm not in the donor register.
349
00:23:42,040 --> 00:23:44,960
Research shows that
the person who receives your organ
350
00:23:45,040 --> 00:23:48,080
might inherit
needs and emotions from the donor.
351
00:23:48,160 --> 00:23:50,680
And I refuse to expose
someone to my organs.
352
00:23:52,600 --> 00:23:54,280
Imagine getting my liver.
353
00:23:56,240 --> 00:23:57,920
You'd be screwed from the start.
354
00:23:58,440 --> 00:24:00,720
Take someone else's. Take Jockiboi's.
355
00:24:02,560 --> 00:24:06,000
He's got every diagnosis that exists
and drops his baby down the stairs…
356
00:24:16,680 --> 00:24:19,000
He won't hear this anyway. It's fine.
357
00:24:19,880 --> 00:24:24,600
He's out chasing ghosts. With Laxton.
358
00:24:27,680 --> 00:24:32,280
I can't donate, because I've got thoughts
that nobody should have.
359
00:24:32,360 --> 00:24:36,040
-For example, do you like seafood?
-Yes!
360
00:24:36,120 --> 00:24:37,520
I love seafood.
361
00:24:37,600 --> 00:24:41,080
But I think eating seafood
is a bit like having anal sex.
362
00:24:42,960 --> 00:24:44,120
Hello?
363
00:24:45,960 --> 00:24:50,440
I think it's quite a stretch
from idea to action.
364
00:24:50,520 --> 00:24:52,360
A lot of work…
365
00:24:53,960 --> 00:24:56,480
…for very little pleasure. I mean…
366
00:25:03,760 --> 00:25:05,960
Only women applauding.
367
00:25:06,800 --> 00:25:09,120
"That's right, Anton!"
368
00:25:11,360 --> 00:25:13,960
I'll be standing around
in the evening and just…
369
00:25:14,960 --> 00:25:18,480
"Can I be bothered tonight?
Is it worth it?"
370
00:25:20,120 --> 00:25:22,320
And your hands smell so bad…
371
00:25:23,560 --> 00:25:28,040
You just want a wet wipe.
A lemon-scented wet wipe.
372
00:25:28,120 --> 00:25:31,200
"Got a condom?" "No, take
a lemon-scented wet wipe instead."
373
00:25:32,760 --> 00:25:36,800
Other thoughts that no one else should
have, or it would be a danger for society.
374
00:25:36,880 --> 00:25:39,200
People have amazing thoughts, but not me.
375
00:25:39,280 --> 00:25:41,840
My matter of the heart is… the carrot…
376
00:25:42,760 --> 00:25:44,240
…inside…
377
00:25:44,840 --> 00:25:46,200
…the carrot.
378
00:25:49,680 --> 00:25:56,200
There is actually a carrot
inside the carrot…
379
00:25:57,520 --> 00:26:00,840
…that is so fucking tasty!
It's completely fucking insane.
380
00:26:04,840 --> 00:26:10,760
You bite around the carrot, and a tiny
little stem appears, so fragile.
381
00:26:10,840 --> 00:26:13,600
"It's you and me against the world.
Don't ever leave me."
382
00:26:13,680 --> 00:26:19,720
It's so sweet. It's like a Kinder egg,
for fuck's sake. It's the best concept.
383
00:26:20,440 --> 00:26:24,160
The carrot inside the carrot is
a bit like guys who are circumcised…
384
00:26:29,520 --> 00:26:32,200
…in that they've removed the bad part…
385
00:26:33,160 --> 00:26:34,720
…but kept the good part.
386
00:26:36,400 --> 00:26:40,040
When you sleep with someone
who's circumcised, you don't need to…
387
00:26:42,280 --> 00:26:45,840
…pull it out, clean it…
388
00:26:46,880 --> 00:26:51,640
…remove the dirt…
I mean, you don't need to do that.
389
00:26:55,240 --> 00:26:58,640
I also can't donate my organs
becaus I was born in the 90s.
390
00:26:58,720 --> 00:27:00,880
I take it there are more
90s children here.
391
00:27:01,760 --> 00:27:02,960
That's right.
392
00:27:05,320 --> 00:27:07,920
We 90s children, we're the worst…
393
00:27:10,160 --> 00:27:14,120
…that was put on this planet.
394
00:27:14,200 --> 00:27:17,320
We who were born in the 90s say,
"I've got a French balcony."
395
00:27:18,400 --> 00:27:20,800
And they're like,
"It's a big window. Shut up."
396
00:27:21,800 --> 00:27:25,840
90s children think Malala is Simba's mom.
That's where we're at.
397
00:27:27,240 --> 00:27:30,160
90s children become influencers.
That's what we are.
398
00:27:30,240 --> 00:27:35,000
We have influencers
who call themselves entrepreneurs.
399
00:27:40,320 --> 00:27:41,720
Let that sink in.
400
00:27:42,720 --> 00:27:46,000
They call themselves entrepreneurs
when they make mobile phone covers
401
00:27:46,080 --> 00:27:47,400
with Ideal of Sweden.
402
00:27:48,680 --> 00:27:50,560
Marble on every single one of them.
403
00:27:51,400 --> 00:27:54,680
What would you rather answer for,
the Palme murder or a marble cover?
404
00:27:56,320 --> 00:28:00,200
To call yourself an entrepreneur when you
make phone covers with Ideal of Sweden,
405
00:28:00,280 --> 00:28:03,880
is like saying that someone that
works for Foodora works with spinning.
406
00:28:07,880 --> 00:28:10,200
We have such high thoughts of ourselves.
407
00:28:10,280 --> 00:28:13,480
I saw a show called Catfish.
408
00:28:13,560 --> 00:28:18,440
It's about people who've been together
forever without ever meeting.
409
00:28:18,520 --> 00:28:22,560
There was a guy on the show.
He'd had a girlfriend for ten years.
410
00:28:22,640 --> 00:28:24,560
They were engaged but had never met.
411
00:28:24,640 --> 00:28:28,560
Two guys came to help him find
this person, and get them to meet.
412
00:28:28,640 --> 00:28:32,240
They asked him, "Why haven't you met?"
413
00:28:32,320 --> 00:28:36,040
He was like, "No, she's too busy."
414
00:28:38,520 --> 00:28:40,680
Spontaneous reaction: in ten years?
415
00:28:41,720 --> 00:28:44,680
I'm sure you'd be able
to find a little gap in the schedule?
416
00:28:46,000 --> 00:28:48,800
They were like, "Okay.
But have you spoken over the phone?"
417
00:28:48,880 --> 00:28:51,400
He was like,
"No, but I've heard her voice."
418
00:28:52,600 --> 00:28:57,000
They were like, "What the hell is this?
Tell us who the girl is."
419
00:28:57,080 --> 00:28:59,080
He says, "You won't believe me."
420
00:29:00,960 --> 00:29:02,840
"It's Katy Perry." Sure…
421
00:29:03,800 --> 00:29:06,600
Most likely to be with Katy Perry. Not.
422
00:29:06,680 --> 00:29:10,560
We think so much of ourselves. If we're
not influencers we'll do whatever else.
423
00:29:10,640 --> 00:29:15,360
I met a guy at a party, and somehow
he started talking about himself.
424
00:29:23,400 --> 00:29:25,240
That never happens.
425
00:29:26,160 --> 00:29:29,800
We started talking about work.
I said, "I'm a comedian."
426
00:29:29,880 --> 00:29:32,080
He said, "That's weird."
427
00:29:33,560 --> 00:29:34,920
I said, "Thanks."
428
00:29:35,760 --> 00:29:37,360
So, I asked him what he did.
429
00:29:37,440 --> 00:29:39,360
He said, "I do beatboxing."
430
00:29:43,000 --> 00:29:46,200
"I'm sorry? I didn't mean your hobby.
What do you do for work?"
431
00:29:46,960 --> 00:29:48,920
"That is my job."
432
00:29:49,000 --> 00:29:51,840
"Okay, you play drums with your mouth.
That's what you do."
433
00:29:52,440 --> 00:29:57,040
He told me he sees
an "air coach" once a week.
434
00:29:57,120 --> 00:29:59,600
Because
"breathing is important in the drop".
435
00:30:00,720 --> 00:30:04,920
No one can hear the difference.
He wanted to be the best in the world.
436
00:30:05,000 --> 00:30:08,400
There are only two people doing it,
it's not that hard.
437
00:30:10,320 --> 00:30:13,240
Then he told me he was releasing a demo.
438
00:30:14,640 --> 00:30:16,120
"Would you like to hear it?"
439
00:30:19,000 --> 00:30:20,080
"No."
440
00:30:21,080 --> 00:30:22,080
I didn't say that.
441
00:30:22,160 --> 00:30:27,320
I said, "I haven't got any
headphones. Sorry, dude."
442
00:30:27,920 --> 00:30:30,640
Then he said,
"I can do it live if you want."
443
00:30:33,880 --> 00:30:35,080
Right.
444
00:30:36,080 --> 00:30:37,960
So, for three minutes I stood there,
445
00:30:38,720 --> 00:30:41,400
hoping that
he would have an asthma attack.
446
00:30:43,080 --> 00:30:45,760
How do you groove along to beatboxing?
447
00:30:46,320 --> 00:30:49,520
I stood there… "I'll have to sway a bit.
I'll sway a bit."
448
00:30:50,640 --> 00:30:53,480
Then I thought, "I'll raise an arm."
I raised an arm.
449
00:30:54,840 --> 00:30:57,040
I thought, "I'm too quiet."
450
00:30:57,760 --> 00:31:00,280
So I started going, "Yeah."
451
00:31:01,800 --> 00:31:02,760
"Uh-huh."
452
00:31:04,080 --> 00:31:05,720
"Skrrt." Yeah, you know.
453
00:31:07,000 --> 00:31:09,280
I've never felt so white
in my entire life.
454
00:31:09,360 --> 00:31:13,800
I've never grooved along to beatboxing.
It's like watching horseback riding.
455
00:31:13,880 --> 00:31:15,960
What the hell are you supposed to say?
456
00:31:16,560 --> 00:31:18,800
"Nice jump."
457
00:31:20,120 --> 00:31:23,320
It was like a hostage situation
without a gun.
458
00:31:23,400 --> 00:31:26,880
I felt like a cobra coming up
from a bucket. Seriously.
459
00:31:29,040 --> 00:31:32,360
Get this. You have a son.
460
00:31:38,400 --> 00:31:43,000
One day he comes home, "Mom, all I want
for my birthday is an air coach."
461
00:31:44,520 --> 00:31:46,480
"Do you know something, David?
462
00:31:48,040 --> 00:31:51,040
I'll give you an air rifle
so you can shoot yourself in the head."
463
00:32:05,360 --> 00:32:06,280
But we had sex.
464
00:32:08,480 --> 00:32:09,640
So, you know…
465
00:32:11,200 --> 00:32:12,880
No, this was…
466
00:32:14,480 --> 00:32:16,480
This was too…
467
00:32:16,560 --> 00:32:19,360
So the curtains are red here? I see…
468
00:32:21,760 --> 00:32:24,560
I'm actually struggling
to look you in the eye.
469
00:32:25,200 --> 00:32:26,800
I'm a bit ashamed.
470
00:32:32,440 --> 00:32:35,720
But it went well. He followed me
all the way home, which was nice.
471
00:32:36,520 --> 00:32:38,440
We went inside and I locked the door.
472
00:32:39,240 --> 00:32:41,280
I said, "You're not going anywhere."
473
00:32:42,000 --> 00:32:44,400
"You can beatbox
me to death for all I care."
474
00:32:46,800 --> 00:32:52,200
We were going to have sex
and so, you know, there's the foreplay…
475
00:32:53,920 --> 00:32:55,720
You're supposed to suck cock.
476
00:32:57,840 --> 00:33:01,720
There are things I enjoy more,
just so you know…
477
00:33:03,000 --> 00:33:04,440
…but I'm just human.
478
00:33:05,280 --> 00:33:07,680
So I did it, I got down on my knees…
479
00:33:09,360 --> 00:33:12,040
I won't look anyone in the eye now,
just so you know.
480
00:33:13,800 --> 00:33:15,280
I won't do that.
481
00:33:17,320 --> 00:33:20,800
But I got down on my knees,
prepared for the usual,
482
00:33:20,880 --> 00:33:22,440
not being able to breathe,
483
00:33:23,800 --> 00:33:27,840
throwing up, getting whiplash injury…
484
00:33:28,800 --> 00:33:31,200
I was prepared for it all.
485
00:33:31,720 --> 00:33:33,560
So, I sat down and…
486
00:33:38,280 --> 00:33:41,200
…"got to work" doesn't sound right.
487
00:33:42,520 --> 00:33:47,320
I got the party started.
That's better. I got the party started.
488
00:33:48,920 --> 00:33:52,040
After a while, I suddenly feel a hand…
489
00:33:54,960 --> 00:33:56,040
…on…
490
00:33:57,280 --> 00:33:58,280
You bet.
491
00:33:59,840 --> 00:34:01,280
…my…
492
00:34:01,360 --> 00:34:02,240
…head…
493
00:34:03,480 --> 00:34:05,440
And it starts to knead.
494
00:34:06,480 --> 00:34:09,880
I'm going like this
and he's going like this. It's like this.
495
00:34:10,480 --> 00:34:13,360
Like a fucking tornado.
"What the hell is going on?!"
496
00:34:16,040 --> 00:34:18,400
I didn't dare to say, "Stop! My body!"
497
00:34:19,240 --> 00:34:21,200
I thought,
"We're having such a good time."
498
00:34:21,720 --> 00:34:25,040
So, it just keeps going.
After a while I've got the rhythm down.
499
00:34:25,120 --> 00:34:27,920
Play "La Macarena". Let's fucking roll!
500
00:34:37,160 --> 00:34:42,680
But it made me dizzy, you know.
I was like, "Where have I ended up?"
501
00:34:43,600 --> 00:34:46,280
"Am I with my real parents?"
I was starting to…
502
00:34:49,080 --> 00:34:53,160
After a while I thought, "I need to
know what's going on down here."
503
00:34:53,240 --> 00:34:56,960
I realized that I was sat down
there with my mouth full…
504
00:34:58,800 --> 00:35:00,360
…getting a hair massage.
505
00:35:02,640 --> 00:35:04,120
We're not in a fucking spa.
506
00:35:04,840 --> 00:35:08,520
If I had jerked him off, my other hand
would have gotten a hand massage.
507
00:35:09,640 --> 00:35:12,080
The 69…
"Could I have some foot massage, please."
508
00:35:17,000 --> 00:35:19,880
This has marked me for life.
509
00:35:21,320 --> 00:35:24,520
So, now when I go to the hairdresser
and they start shampooing my hair…
510
00:35:32,840 --> 00:35:37,000
Afterwards, I found out that
I had either chlamydia or a UTI.
511
00:35:38,320 --> 00:35:40,200
As it turned out, I had both.
512
00:35:41,320 --> 00:35:44,760
I had to order a chlamydia test,
because I refuse to see a gynecologist.
513
00:35:44,840 --> 00:35:49,120
I won't look her in the eye
and tell her I've been partying. I refuse.
514
00:35:49,840 --> 00:35:53,040
So, I ordered a chlamydia test
and received it in a plain white envelope.
515
00:35:53,120 --> 00:35:55,520
One chlamydia test and one condom.
516
00:35:57,440 --> 00:35:58,760
No note.
517
00:35:59,600 --> 00:36:01,280
What a bloody statement.
518
00:36:02,320 --> 00:36:04,280
"Here you are, little hooker."
519
00:36:07,400 --> 00:36:10,520
But stupid as I am,
I spilled the contents of the test tube,
520
00:36:10,600 --> 00:36:12,720
so I had to order a new one.
521
00:36:12,800 --> 00:36:18,640
Same thing again: a plain white envelope,
one chlamydia test and three condoms.
522
00:36:20,200 --> 00:36:22,680
Can you imagine
how they must have fucking talked?
523
00:36:24,200 --> 00:36:26,200
Next time I'll get a dildo.
524
00:36:27,200 --> 00:36:29,240
With a note, "Stop sleeping around."
525
00:36:30,360 --> 00:36:35,520
It's like selling Christmas magazines.
The more you sell, the better the rewards.
526
00:36:36,920 --> 00:36:41,400
Next time I will get a "Satisfy Pro".
It will be great.
527
00:36:45,640 --> 00:36:47,280
The timing wasn't great.
528
00:36:47,360 --> 00:36:50,600
I don't know if the timing
is ever great to get Chlamydia.
529
00:36:50,680 --> 00:36:52,800
But I was going to Costa Rica…
530
00:36:53,840 --> 00:36:55,280
…to learn how to surf.
531
00:37:02,400 --> 00:37:05,440
I had been really busy with work,
I was really tired.
532
00:37:05,520 --> 00:37:08,920
I needed to find the calm,
find myself, and so on.
533
00:37:09,000 --> 00:37:11,520
It takes 34 hours to travel to Costa Rica.
534
00:37:11,600 --> 00:37:13,880
The calm was gone already in London.
535
00:37:15,280 --> 00:37:18,800
When I arrive, the girls
are wearing tank tops and shorts.
536
00:37:18,880 --> 00:37:20,680
They're having muesli for snacks.
537
00:37:21,960 --> 00:37:26,240
"Perfect. I've got two minutes to lose
40 kg. This is going to be wonderful."
538
00:37:30,800 --> 00:37:33,560
The first thing they ask is,
"Have you been surfing before?"
539
00:37:36,480 --> 00:37:40,000
"What do you think? I look like a bowler."
540
00:37:45,480 --> 00:37:49,200
On the first day we wake up
at 05.30 to do yoga.
541
00:37:49,920 --> 00:37:53,280
Yoga for me is sleeping,
542
00:37:53,880 --> 00:37:56,640
lighting a candle and juggling mangoes.
543
00:37:57,560 --> 00:38:00,920
We had to stand in downward dog,
the plank with your bum in the air,
544
00:38:01,000 --> 00:38:03,880
for 45 minutes, and breathe.
545
00:38:04,800 --> 00:38:07,200
I can tell you I was gasping for air.
546
00:38:08,400 --> 00:38:09,920
There was a surf guarantee.
547
00:38:10,000 --> 00:38:13,080
"100% chance
that you'll learn how to surf."
548
00:38:13,160 --> 00:38:16,840
It was on the website. "100% chance
that you'll learn how to surf."
549
00:38:17,720 --> 00:38:20,040
They've had to change it to 99%.
550
00:38:23,760 --> 00:38:27,160
Surfers are the worst people
I've ever met.
551
00:38:27,240 --> 00:38:31,440
They would get up in the morning…
"Today, I took some green waves."
552
00:38:33,840 --> 00:38:36,760
"And I took ecstasy. Shut up."
553
00:38:38,840 --> 00:38:40,000
It was horrible.
554
00:38:40,080 --> 00:38:43,080
I went there to find myself.
I didn't have a clue where I was.
555
00:38:43,600 --> 00:38:47,440
When I got home, I was like,
"What do I do now? Read the horoscopes?"
556
00:38:47,520 --> 00:38:52,120
Anyone read the horoscopes in here?
Clap your hands.
557
00:38:53,840 --> 00:38:56,680
Yes. 3,000 retards.
558
00:38:58,760 --> 00:38:59,920
Thanks for coming.
559
00:39:02,360 --> 00:39:04,680
I read the horoscopes too.
560
00:39:05,560 --> 00:39:08,560
I'm with you, although I'm not sure
you want to be in my category.
561
00:39:09,080 --> 00:39:13,200
I love horoscopes, I love the idea that
something good will happen at some point.
562
00:39:17,120 --> 00:39:19,360
Somebody just got sacked.
563
00:39:23,000 --> 00:39:26,320
I love horoscopes, but not
when they're about planets and shit.
564
00:39:26,400 --> 00:39:29,440
I don't care. I want to know,
one, does anyone fancy me?
565
00:39:30,760 --> 00:39:32,800
Two, will I get rich?
566
00:39:32,880 --> 00:39:34,760
Three, will my real parents ever find me?
567
00:39:34,840 --> 00:39:37,720
That's the only thing
I really want to know.
568
00:39:38,440 --> 00:39:40,840
I went to a
fortuneteller a few months ago.
569
00:39:41,880 --> 00:39:44,040
And the first thing she tells me is…
570
00:39:46,040 --> 00:39:49,680
"I can see…you sitting in a house…
571
00:39:51,760 --> 00:39:53,040
…alone."
572
00:39:54,720 --> 00:39:57,200
"I've paid for an hour.
This is going to be fun."
573
00:39:58,200 --> 00:39:59,640
"No, no. You'll like it."
574
00:39:59,720 --> 00:40:02,000
"I guess I haven't got
a bloody choice, do I?"
575
00:40:03,360 --> 00:40:07,880
Then we got to the fun bit
where I had to ask yes or no questions.
576
00:40:07,960 --> 00:40:12,720
"I have the answers…" No, she said,
"I can talk to the angels."
577
00:40:13,680 --> 00:40:15,000
How easy.
578
00:40:16,560 --> 00:40:19,640
I'm not sure you can make
a Wi-Fi call up there.
579
00:40:20,200 --> 00:40:23,200
She said, "Ask a yes or no
question and I'll answer it."
580
00:40:23,280 --> 00:40:28,720
I took it seriously. "Okay, I'll ask
questions that I really want answered."
581
00:40:28,800 --> 00:40:33,520
So, I said,
"Will I ever be a police officer?"
582
00:40:33,600 --> 00:40:38,120
She got her tarot cards out.
"Oh, are we playing Uno now?"
583
00:40:39,680 --> 00:40:42,720
She said,
"I'm going to lay the cards out.
584
00:40:42,800 --> 00:40:45,920
If there are 13 cards, that means no.
585
00:40:46,520 --> 00:40:49,040
Less than 13 cards means yes."
586
00:40:49,120 --> 00:40:52,000
"Okay, whatever. Go ahead. Do your thing."
587
00:40:52,600 --> 00:40:55,480
She lays the cards out and goes, "Hmm."
588
00:40:56,040 --> 00:41:00,480
"Yes. There are 13 cards…
589
00:41:02,440 --> 00:41:03,640
…so that means no."
590
00:41:04,320 --> 00:41:08,600
"I saw you counting them! I'm not stupid!"
591
00:41:08,680 --> 00:41:11,680
Then she says to me,
"You're dating the wrong guys."
592
00:41:11,760 --> 00:41:15,000
"Thanks, I know! I dated
a guy who lived in a trailer. Please…"
593
00:41:16,400 --> 00:41:20,880
It's true.
I dated a guy who lived in a trailer.
594
00:41:21,520 --> 00:41:25,080
This was when I lived in Västerås,
my hometown.
595
00:41:25,160 --> 00:41:29,000
I was out in a bar.
He came up to me and said,
596
00:41:29,080 --> 00:41:30,720
"Wanna come back to my place?"
597
00:41:31,360 --> 00:41:34,600
I thought,
"I won't get that question again.
598
00:41:36,160 --> 00:41:38,680
So, here's me saying yes to life."
599
00:41:39,800 --> 00:41:41,720
So, we get on a bus.
600
00:41:41,800 --> 00:41:44,840
Number 309 towards Höganäs,
never heard of the fucking bus.
601
00:41:44,920 --> 00:41:47,360
We travel for 20 minutes, 30 minutes…
602
00:41:47,440 --> 00:41:51,000
If you invite someone back to your place,
you have to live in the city.
603
00:41:52,000 --> 00:41:55,800
You can't expect me to cross the border
to have fun in a week from now.
604
00:41:57,360 --> 00:42:00,360
So, we're on the bus,
we reach a dirt road. It's dark.
605
00:42:00,440 --> 00:42:02,040
He says, "We're getting off here."
606
00:42:05,200 --> 00:42:06,520
"Are you sure?"
607
00:42:07,920 --> 00:42:09,160
"Yes. Get off."
608
00:42:09,240 --> 00:42:12,880
"Okay, great. I'm going to be
kidnapped again. How wonderful."
609
00:42:14,280 --> 00:42:16,760
-l love you!
-Thanks.
610
00:42:16,840 --> 00:42:18,040
That's probably him.
611
00:42:20,760 --> 00:42:22,000
Thank you for coming.
612
00:42:26,360 --> 00:42:30,080
So, we get off the bus. It's pitch black.
613
00:42:30,160 --> 00:42:34,040
I realize there's no point
even trying to run away from him.
614
00:42:34,120 --> 00:42:36,160
Do you know how slow I run?
615
00:42:36,960 --> 00:42:38,880
A trot is my fastest pace.
616
00:42:40,400 --> 00:42:42,000
It's pitch-black.
617
00:42:42,080 --> 00:42:44,960
He gets a flashlight
out of his coat pocket.
618
00:42:46,440 --> 00:42:48,960
He brought a flashlight to the bar!
619
00:42:50,080 --> 00:42:52,320
Sends off a red flag if anything.
620
00:42:53,200 --> 00:42:56,160
There we are like two blind people.
"What's going on?"
621
00:42:58,120 --> 00:43:01,400
We get to the trailer park.
He says, "This is where I live."
622
00:43:03,800 --> 00:43:04,720
Okay…
623
00:43:05,320 --> 00:43:07,400
"Maybe you could have said that before."
624
00:43:10,600 --> 00:43:13,240
But we continued
seeing each other, weirdly enough.
625
00:43:13,320 --> 00:43:15,760
It was a bit hard
telling my parents where he lived.
626
00:43:15,840 --> 00:43:19,520
I don't know why,
maybe it had to do with pride.
627
00:43:19,600 --> 00:43:22,360
One night, my parents
asked me what I was doing.
628
00:43:22,440 --> 00:43:24,920
I said, "I'm going to Felix' place."
629
00:43:25,000 --> 00:43:28,440
"Felix, he lives
in the countryside, right?"
630
00:43:31,320 --> 00:43:34,160
"Sort of. It's a bit further out."
631
00:43:34,240 --> 00:43:35,480
"Do you want a ride?"
632
00:43:35,560 --> 00:43:39,360
"Hell, no!
I'll take the bus towards Höganäs."
633
00:43:40,440 --> 00:43:43,000
"Does he live in a villa, or…?"
634
00:43:45,480 --> 00:43:49,680
"Well, it's not really a villa…
There's only one floor."
635
00:43:50,560 --> 00:43:54,960
"Okay, a bungalow?"
"Well, I wouldn't say that…"
636
00:43:56,440 --> 00:43:57,880
"Okay, a row house?"
637
00:43:59,120 --> 00:44:01,160
"There are definitely houses in a row."
638
00:44:02,080 --> 00:44:04,840
"So, it's an apartment? Come on, what…?"
639
00:44:05,360 --> 00:44:07,840
"It's an apartment on wheels,
what can I say?"
640
00:44:08,640 --> 00:44:11,920
"You're dating a homeless person.
Well done. Congratulations."
641
00:44:13,640 --> 00:44:19,400
This guy had so many red flags.
He also loved rosehip soup.
642
00:44:21,160 --> 00:44:23,760
Why not break up at that point? Seriously.
643
00:44:25,720 --> 00:44:28,120
One evening I was going
to his place and he wrote to me,
644
00:44:28,200 --> 00:44:30,000
"Johanna, could you please…
645
00:44:32,160 --> 00:44:33,960
…buy some rosehip soup on the way?"
646
00:44:36,200 --> 00:44:38,440
"Of course my guy
is getting rosehip soup!"
647
00:44:39,720 --> 00:44:42,560
I don't usually go to actual food stores,
648
00:44:42,640 --> 00:44:45,560
because people working there
are too engaged in us shoppers.
649
00:44:45,640 --> 00:44:48,880
And I suck at finding stuff
and don't like to ask.
650
00:44:48,960 --> 00:44:52,680
But I went in and tried to find the soup.
651
00:44:52,760 --> 00:44:55,640
I haven't a clue.
Is rosehip soup hot or cold?
652
00:44:56,200 --> 00:44:58,480
Is it with dairy, or jelly?
653
00:44:58,560 --> 00:45:02,200
I search like crazy, but I can't find it.
Okay, I'll just have to ask.
654
00:45:02,280 --> 00:45:03,760
I just have to ask.
655
00:45:03,840 --> 00:45:06,760
I see a girl working in the store.
656
00:45:07,400 --> 00:45:10,760
I go up to her and say,
"Why, hello there…"
657
00:45:10,840 --> 00:45:15,440
I definitely didn't say that.
Why would I say that?
658
00:45:16,240 --> 00:45:20,000
I guess I said… "Hello." "Hi."
659
00:45:23,800 --> 00:45:25,920
And she said, "Hello."
660
00:45:28,040 --> 00:45:30,400
The conversation
definitely wasn't this long.
661
00:45:32,080 --> 00:45:34,760
I said, "May I ask you a question?"
662
00:45:36,040 --> 00:45:39,120
She said,
"Yes of course, ask me anything."
663
00:45:41,480 --> 00:45:42,600
So I said, "Well…"
664
00:45:45,040 --> 00:45:48,400
"The rosehip soup, where is it?
Just tell me the isle."
665
00:45:48,480 --> 00:45:50,440
"Right! Let's go to the rosehip soup!"
666
00:45:51,280 --> 00:45:55,000
She's walking 15 meters ahead of me.
It's a walk of shame in the store.
667
00:45:55,080 --> 00:45:58,480
"You don't have to drag me to Narnia.
Are you stupid?"
668
00:45:58,560 --> 00:46:02,320
Just tell me which aisle it is!
It's such a brag.
669
00:46:06,120 --> 00:46:09,200
And I also hate going to Systembolaget.
670
00:46:09,280 --> 00:46:11,480
I just want the booze to come to me.
671
00:46:14,960 --> 00:46:18,680
But I was going to a dinner,
probably with this bloody trailer guy.
672
00:46:19,720 --> 00:46:23,880
And when you turn 20,
673
00:46:23,960 --> 00:46:27,160
you need to bring wine
or flowers or some crap like that.
674
00:46:27,240 --> 00:46:31,280
So I go into Systembolaget
to buy some wine.
675
00:46:31,360 --> 00:46:33,080
I go to the wine shelf.
676
00:46:33,160 --> 00:46:36,600
I don't know wine, I go for
the nicest bottles, the most expensive.
677
00:46:36,680 --> 00:46:40,440
I'm looking at a bottle,
and a lady comes up beside me.
678
00:46:40,520 --> 00:46:44,160
She's like…
"Hmm. I was just looking at that wine."
679
00:46:51,880 --> 00:46:52,960
"Oh?"
680
00:46:54,880 --> 00:46:58,240
"Do you know if it goes well with meat?"
681
00:47:00,600 --> 00:47:03,720
I have no clue. I drink
Red Bull and vodka in the weekends.
682
00:47:04,840 --> 00:47:09,280
It's like Penny Parnevik
asking her parents about birth control.
683
00:47:09,360 --> 00:47:11,920
She's got fifteen million siblings.
684
00:47:16,440 --> 00:47:22,360
As you've understood,
I have been single most of my life.
685
00:47:22,440 --> 00:47:26,440
Now, I've found myself a guy,
I don't know how.
686
00:47:27,440 --> 00:47:28,600
Oh, thank you.
687
00:47:34,360 --> 00:47:36,680
He is gonna leave me soon but that's ok.
688
00:47:39,040 --> 00:47:40,360
I'll stay put.
689
00:47:41,040 --> 00:47:44,800
I was single for a very long time.
690
00:47:44,880 --> 00:47:49,080
I am really bad at dating.
Do you have Tinder?
691
00:47:50,200 --> 00:47:54,720
Not so many out of ten thousand.
692
00:47:56,040 --> 00:47:59,440
If I find out later you have Tinder,
I'll kill every single one of you.
693
00:48:02,080 --> 00:48:06,200
Because what I'm about to tell you now
is pretty rough. I had Tinder…
694
00:48:08,160 --> 00:48:10,080
I had Tinder Gold.
695
00:48:12,520 --> 00:48:14,280
That was a sneer. I heard that.
696
00:48:16,160 --> 00:48:20,960
Tinder Gold lets you see who's liked you,
letting you choose.
697
00:48:21,840 --> 00:48:23,840
And you can go abroad.
698
00:48:24,800 --> 00:48:28,800
In the app. I'm not an escort.
699
00:48:31,480 --> 00:48:35,720
Tinder Gold costs 200 kronor a month.
It costs more than electricity.
700
00:48:37,240 --> 00:48:40,120
I could've saved five kids a month,
according to Unicef.
701
00:48:41,240 --> 00:48:43,040
No, that's not for me.
702
00:48:44,840 --> 00:48:48,320
My reason for getting Tinder Gold
was that I would save a lot of time.
703
00:48:48,840 --> 00:48:52,320
Yeah right, saving time by
swiping around in Australia.
704
00:48:56,440 --> 00:48:59,880
But when I started dating
my current boyfriend I was crazy.
705
00:48:59,960 --> 00:49:02,400
I get completely crazy when dating.
706
00:49:02,480 --> 00:49:05,920
If he didn't reply for ten minutes…
707
00:49:06,520 --> 00:49:07,560
I went bananas.
708
00:49:08,280 --> 00:49:12,400
Completely bananas. I could be
standing with a friend, and like…
709
00:49:16,400 --> 00:49:17,640
"Okay."
710
00:49:18,560 --> 00:49:20,600
"Okay!"
711
00:49:21,480 --> 00:49:23,920
"Okay, then!"
712
00:49:24,000 --> 00:49:28,080
"It's over.
That's the end of that. Oh well."
713
00:49:28,960 --> 00:49:31,960
And my friend was like,
"Here we fucking go again."
714
00:49:34,200 --> 00:49:38,440
And she was like,
"Johanna, have you spoken today, or…?"
715
00:49:39,240 --> 00:49:41,880
And I was like, "Yes, we have spoken.
716
00:49:43,320 --> 00:49:47,960
But are we talking now?
No, we aren't talking now., are we?"
717
00:49:49,480 --> 00:49:53,000
"Okay, but if you have spoken today,
you might know what he's doing."
718
00:49:54,160 --> 00:49:55,320
"Yes.
719
00:49:56,640 --> 00:49:58,160
He's at a fucking funeral.
720
00:49:59,680 --> 00:50:02,880
He's at a fucking funeral.
Felicia's gone and died.
721
00:50:02,960 --> 00:50:04,920
And he's bought flowers for her.
722
00:50:05,840 --> 00:50:09,320
Will he buy flowers for me?
No. But for Felicia, yes.
723
00:50:09,400 --> 00:50:10,760
He's fucking her right now.
724
00:50:11,720 --> 00:50:15,880
He's fucking her in doggy style
in the coffin. I just know it."
725
00:50:18,760 --> 00:50:22,080
And my friends, "I think you would've
known if he wanted to fuck corpses."
726
00:50:23,240 --> 00:50:24,640
"You never know.
727
00:50:25,880 --> 00:50:29,280
I would've fucked Micke dead or alive.
It makes no difference to me."
728
00:50:32,840 --> 00:50:34,520
Thank you, you're all so nice.
729
00:50:37,360 --> 00:50:38,760
Before I met my boyfriend,
730
00:50:38,840 --> 00:50:42,000
I've always wondered what it's like
to have sex with someone who's got asthma.
731
00:50:43,840 --> 00:50:46,360
People always have asthma
up until you have sex.
732
00:50:46,880 --> 00:50:51,160
You've never heard anyone say,
"I've got the inhaler with me."
733
00:50:51,840 --> 00:50:53,280
You've never heard that.
734
00:50:54,000 --> 00:50:56,240
I didn't know my boyfriend has asthma,
735
00:50:56,320 --> 00:50:59,680
but when you're gonna have sex with
someone you like,
736
00:50:59,760 --> 00:51:02,960
you want it to be good.
737
00:51:03,560 --> 00:51:07,120
I went all in. I shaved my entire body.
738
00:51:07,200 --> 00:51:10,520
I moisturized. I ate pineapple for weeks.
739
00:51:11,960 --> 00:51:14,720
I ran to the pharmacy and found…
Well, I didn't run.
740
00:51:15,440 --> 00:51:20,520
I walked, rather, to the pharmacy and
found something called coochie deodorant.
741
00:51:22,080 --> 00:51:24,600
No it's not, it's called intimate spray.
742
00:51:25,360 --> 00:51:28,080
I bought a few bottles.
I used the first one.
743
00:51:28,160 --> 00:51:31,000
"No, I'll take the second one too."
I took the third one…
744
00:51:32,080 --> 00:51:34,680
But what I didn't know was
that people with asthma…
745
00:51:38,360 --> 00:51:40,680
…have difficulties with scents…
746
00:51:42,200 --> 00:51:43,560
…and perfumes.
747
00:51:45,200 --> 00:51:46,280
So, he…
748
00:51:51,200 --> 00:51:52,680
…went down on me…
749
00:51:55,200 --> 00:51:58,440
…and I suddenly felt
how he started to shake.
750
00:52:01,760 --> 00:52:08,280
Which was the greatest thing
I've ever felt in my entire life.
751
00:52:12,200 --> 00:52:16,480
You know air pressure vibrators?
I thought, "He's done a course.
752
00:52:17,560 --> 00:52:20,560
He's learned to do it with his mouth.
753
00:52:20,640 --> 00:52:24,520
We've all evolved differently,
and you've evolved perfectly for me."
754
00:52:24,600 --> 00:52:28,000
So, I let him continue
until he started coughing.
755
00:52:29,520 --> 00:52:32,160
Which was something out of this world.
756
00:52:33,040 --> 00:52:36,600
Guys, if you haven't coughed in your
girlfriend's pussy, go home and do it.
757
00:52:37,320 --> 00:52:40,480
Corona is the
best thing that ever happened to me.
758
00:52:41,480 --> 00:52:44,440
The first Corona outburst,
I was there in a heartbeat.
759
00:52:45,960 --> 00:52:49,000
If someone's coughing on a bus,
"You're coming home with me."
760
00:52:49,600 --> 00:52:51,960
Anders Tegnell,
"Everyone needs to get vaccinated."
761
00:52:52,040 --> 00:52:53,840
Fucking misogynist.
762
00:53:06,960 --> 00:53:10,840
I also think I'm heterosexual because
I've got a phobia called trypophobia.
763
00:53:14,680 --> 00:53:17,400
It's a phobia where you have
a fear of holes.
764
00:53:18,640 --> 00:53:20,040
I hate holes.
765
00:53:20,800 --> 00:53:23,320
It feels like things
will be coming out of them.
766
00:53:23,400 --> 00:53:25,720
Like the TikTok cop.
767
00:53:28,280 --> 00:53:32,240
It feels like if I went down on a girl
and saw it all I would be like, "No!"
768
00:53:32,760 --> 00:53:35,480
She could threaten me with her pussy.
769
00:53:36,120 --> 00:53:39,480
"If you don't take the trash out,
you know what will happen."
770
00:53:41,200 --> 00:53:45,000
I hate holes, all types of holes.
771
00:53:46,160 --> 00:53:50,240
I came home
to my mother and sister to tell them.
772
00:53:50,320 --> 00:53:52,840
"Sit down. This is important."
773
00:53:54,240 --> 00:53:56,800
I said, "Okay. Um…
774
00:53:58,160 --> 00:54:00,040
I've got trypophobia.
775
00:54:02,040 --> 00:54:03,960
And it's really difficult for me.
776
00:54:05,280 --> 00:54:07,400
And my sister said, "Johanna.
777
00:54:08,080 --> 00:54:10,480
I've also got trypophobia.
778
00:54:12,240 --> 00:54:13,800
I think it runs in the family."
779
00:54:16,160 --> 00:54:19,160
"Well, I'm from Portugal,
so, I don't know about that."
780
00:54:19,240 --> 00:54:24,920
Thank you, Avicii Arena!
Thank you for coming! You're wonderful!
781
00:54:26,760 --> 00:54:28,280
Thank you!
782
00:54:28,960 --> 00:54:30,000
Thank you!