WEBVTT FILE
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Downloaded from
YTS.MX
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A NETFLIX COMEDY SPECIAL
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Official YIFY movies site:
YTS.MX
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CALL THE POLICE
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Hello! Wow!
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Thanks! You're so nice!
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Damn, there is so many of you.
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Damn!
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We haven't really been waiting for this…
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We had to rebook a couple of times.
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We chose the smaller venue for today,
so to speak.
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Damn, it's nice to be here.
I have been touring this fall.
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I have been to places like Falun,
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Kristianstad,
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Borås.
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Me and Borås aren't the best of friends,
you could say.
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So, it's nice to be back in
Stockholm again. At Aviici Arena!
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Wow.
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So, we had to move this show
quite a few times.
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Because of the ongoing pandemic.
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Wasn't that great?
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I'm not going to talk about the pandemic,
but most things were shut down.
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The clubs were shut.
There was no place to do stand-up.
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Restaurants and shops were shut.
So, most things were shut,
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apart from Spy Bar…
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They were open during a short period.
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And I ran at it,
so to speak, at full throttle.
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Drunk as a skunk, I stood there
with a champagne bucket on my head…
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…and someone was filming.
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This was spread in media.
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I became the face of partying
during the pandemic.
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I was the only one who got slammed.
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My agent calls me.
"Don't bring it up in the podcast."
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So, I bring it up in the podcast.
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You know that famous press conference
that Stefan Löfven held,
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the "no more partying" press conference…
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It's about me.
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Just say my fucking name, Stefan.
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That's not how you want
your prime minister to see you.
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You'd like him to see you winning the
UN Peace Prize or some shit like that.
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No, he sees me
throwing all caution to the wind.
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So, my only hobby, which was drinking,
went up in smoke before my eyes.
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So what do you do in a pandemic?
Do I need a new hobby now?
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People got new hobbies
during the pandemic.
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People have started playing padel
and having kids and stuff like that.
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I thought,
"What the hell should I do? What now?"
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I ended up standing on a stage…
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…wearing a dragon costume…
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I don't deserve any applause, I must say.
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For those of you who don't know
what I'm talking about, I hope you don't…
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I was in Masked Singer, season one.
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Wow, thanks.
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Absolutely the worst thing
I've done in my entire life.
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I never agreed to do it.
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I met the producer the other week.
She said, "I don't recall you saying yes."
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"No!"
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"Because I fucking didn't!
Suddenly, I was just there."
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It's the worst thing I've ever done.
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But I've never felt as skinny
as when people thought I was Anja Pärson.
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"Fuck yeah!" I took a look in the mirror…
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I mean… "Okay. I've lost some weight."
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Thinking that I'm Anja Pärson
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is like thinking that
Leif GW Persson will ever not be tired.
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It's never going to happen.
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Poor Anja.
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She got a comment on Instagram,
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"Wow, you're the dragon in Masked Singer."
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There's a fucking heffalump on stage.
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To think that I am her… It's like saying
your best quality is being kind.
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She feels horrible about this.
She's posting content on YouTube.
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It was completely horrible.
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But I think I did it because I had, and
still have, a bit of an identity crisis.
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I think I've been kidnapped.
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Strange reaction.
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I think my parents kidnapped me.
I'll tell you why.
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A few years ago, a friend of mine
had been prescribed a new medication
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and wanted to check her medical records.
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I was in hospital as a kid. I'm allergic
to different things and I take medication.
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So I know there's stuff about me
in the records.
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So, I thought I'd have a look,
just for fun.
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I logged into the online healthcare
platform. There's nothing there.
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Not one single fucking record.
I immediately got suspicious.
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I called my mom. I'll give that old hag
a piece of my mind, I thought.
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So, I called her.
"Hi, darling, how are you?"
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I was like, "Well, hello…
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…Anette.
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Hope all is good with you.
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Just one little question…
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My medical records.
Let's talk about them. Where are they?"
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My mom works in healthcare,
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so, she said, "You have to request
your medical records."
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So, I believed her.
I called the healthcare advice line.
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I spoke to this super nice woman,
Birgitta. We clicked immediately.
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Finally, I said, "Hey, Birgitta…
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Don't you think I should just…
get those records?"
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She said, "Of course you
should have your medical records."
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So, I gave her
my personal identification number,
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but suddenly it went quiet.
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I said, "Hello? Birgitta?
Are you still there?"
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Then she said to me, "Johanna, I'm sorry,
but you don't have any records."
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"Come on, darling Birgitta…
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Call Lena at the hospital in Vasterås.
I've been in hospital, I'm sure."
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She said, "I'm sorry. There's nothing
I can do." And she hangs up.
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This is when I start working
for the Security Service.
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I start an investigation.
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I start calling up friends and family.
I call my grandma.
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"Don't you remember
when I was in hospital?"
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She's like, "No, Johanna.
You've never been in hospital."
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I'm sorry, but that little bitch
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remembers when my sister
got a tetanus shot,
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but when I'm in hospital
for three days she gets Alzheimer's.
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I call my dad. "You remember
when I was in hospital, right?"
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"Johanna, you've dreamed this.
It never happened."
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"It did. You gave me candy.
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I hope it was you,
otherwise it was some other old fucker."
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Suddenly, I get a text from my uncle.
"Stop digging around in this, Johanna."
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I'm quite sure I'll keep digging,
just so you know, Mats.
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The thing is,
I've been in hospital my whole life.
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No, of course not my whole life,
but many times.
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I am in the hospital right now actually,
I have to get back right after the show.
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I have an infusion drip backstage.
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I've been in hospital many times.
I've been allergic and on medication.
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I've been allergic to tomatoes
my entire life.
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But no one has ever wanted to
talk about that at home.
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I'd ask my parents, "When did I
become allergic to tomatoes?"
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"Well…"
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Totally psychotic.
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But I remember going on vacation
to Portugal. I had tomatoes there.
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Big Portuguese tomatoes,
tomato soup, ketchup…
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I remember it so damn well.
But after that trip, it just goes black.
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On the tomato front.
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Which means…
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…that before you…
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…stands…
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…Madeleine McCann.
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I am Madeleine McCann!
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I think I look like her.
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I have stood in front of a mirror
making the same face.
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Oh, boy! Oh, boy!
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Ow, ow, ow!
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It's me, goddamnit!
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I've been saying it since last fall,
but the police haven't taken me in.
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I can see there is something
wrong with me, and I know what it is.
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I've got a mirror, don't worry about that.
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But I've always… I was a strange kid.
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The only thing I ever wanted was pet fish.
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That was the only thing.
It's worse than stick insects.
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But I got three fish. I was so happy.
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I brought them home, gave them names
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and sat and watched them,
since they don't do much.
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I bragged about them in school. I said,
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"I've got pet fish."
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"And we have dignity. Get lost."
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When I got home from school,
my three pet fish were on the floor.
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They had jumped out of the fish tank.
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But moms do as moms do… I mean, "Mom".
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We went and bought three new pet fish.
"Who cares about those fish?"
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I'm so happy. I brag in school.
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Someone throws rocks at me,
I can't remember.
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I get home from school.
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Same thing again.
My three new fish are on the floor.
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Six pet fish committed suicide.
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We know that murders and psychopaths
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systematically torture
and kill animals as kids.
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So, I've been standing outside the
Hinseberg Women's Prison: "Let me in!"
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"I am one of you."
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I think I'm the next Arboga woman.
Seriously.
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The thing is, a friend of me
got a fish for his 18th birthday.
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He wasn't very popular.
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He's not from Stockholm,
so, he was going to visit his parents.
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He asked me, "Johanna, could you please…
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…be my fish sitter?"
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He had no idea about my fish problems.
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I wasn't going to tell him.
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And really, it's not such a hard task.
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"You just have to feed it.
You don't need to be there."
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"Trust me, I'll be there."
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So, I take sick leave for a week.
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I sit there and watch the fish…
I sit there and talk to the fish.
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"Please don't jump,
please don't jump, please…"
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But the fish survived.
It was the happiest day of my life.
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I called my mom.
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Oh, thank you.
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Wow!
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You set the bar pretty low for applause.
You don't give me much credit, do you?
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I called my mom and said,
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"Mom, the fish survived.
There's nothing wrong with me."
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My mom said to me, "That's great to hear."
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"But there's just one little thing
that I need to tell you."
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So, my mom told me,
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"Your pet fish…
They didn't commit suicide.
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It was the cat."
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"So, you thought it was better to say it
was suicide than to say it was the cat?"
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"Are you stupid?"
After that I hate all cats.
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No wonder the Palme murder is unsolved.
It was a fucking cat.
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That's why I'm so into the police.
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Either I'll end up behind bars
or as a police officer.
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Those are my options.
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The conservatives want
3,000 more police officers.
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Oh no. We need 3,000 new police officers.
Out with the old, in with the new.
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Have you seen the police officers we have?
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We have police officers who are on TikTok.
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This man roams our streets freely.
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When I first saw this,
I was clinically dead.
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But I thought, "It's just one video.
He was on break and he was bored."
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No, there's more.
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Look at that face.
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How is he?
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I'd rather have "Captain Skirt"
come save me than this fucking idiot.
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Imagine calling the police,
and then this guy turns up.
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"I just need to make a TikTok first."
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Savage Love the killer to death.
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I love crime shows.
I like Beck. Do you like Beck?
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Okay!
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I love Beck. I watched it as a kid.
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It wasn't as if dad put it on when I was
two, Beck - The Girl in the Root Cellar.
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"Gunvald would be nice to fuck."
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I don't know what my real parents
have showed me. But…
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All my friends watched Disney
and shit like that. Not me.
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I mean, I watched Ariel.
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I did.
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I mean, I watched Ariel,
but only because I liked Ursula so much.
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She's the only character
who realizes that Ariel is a bitch.
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She's got some go in her.
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And I love Mikael Persbrandt.
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Mm.
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He's my future husband. He is.
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I know that and he knows it too.
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I don't talk about
anything else in interviews.
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He's got protected identity now,
and adress, which is a shame.
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But I keep my spirit up.
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00:16:05.240 --> 00:16:08.840
I remember in second grade,
we had to draw our idols.
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All we did was drawing.
I still can't even draw a circle.
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00:16:12.320 --> 00:16:17.600
And my classmates drew people
like Marcoolio or Michael Jackson.
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I drew Micke P.
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I've never been so thorough
in my entire life.
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I sat there drawing carefully.
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My teacher walked around
looking at everybody's drawings.
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00:16:32.840 --> 00:16:34.840
E-Type and stuff like that.
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00:16:35.800 --> 00:16:37.240
Who would draw E-Type?
241
00:16:39.120 --> 00:16:40.840
Likely idol…
242
00:16:43.120 --> 00:16:47.160
My teacher walked up to me and said…
243
00:16:47.840 --> 00:16:49.080
"Johanna,
244
00:16:50.160 --> 00:16:51.480
what is this?"
245
00:16:52.560 --> 00:16:53.600
I was like…
246
00:16:57.160 --> 00:16:58.480
"It's Micke P."
247
00:16:59.720 --> 00:17:01.480
"Doesn't he look good naked?"
248
00:17:11.200 --> 00:17:15.800
It's not normal to draw
Mikael Persbrandt naked in second grade.
249
00:17:15.880 --> 00:17:17.000
I wasn't normal.
250
00:17:17.080 --> 00:17:20.720
I was fucking awful in school.
I was worse than "Hyper-Adam".
251
00:17:22.040 --> 00:17:24.480
We all had a "Hyper-Adam" in our class.
252
00:17:25.280 --> 00:17:27.400
I was worse than him. Get it?
253
00:17:27.480 --> 00:17:29.640
I've thought about
all the school subjects.
254
00:17:29.720 --> 00:17:32.600
Like home economics.
What the hell was that?
255
00:17:33.480 --> 00:17:38.280
You ate. That's all you did.
I had a teacher called Lisbeth.
256
00:17:39.760 --> 00:17:44.080
She wore Birkenstocks,
used the cookbook as an accessory
257
00:17:44.160 --> 00:17:46.200
and was skipping between the classrooms.
258
00:17:47.640 --> 00:17:51.440
And you could behave so badly in
home economics without being told off.
259
00:17:51.520 --> 00:17:55.280
I'd burn the scones. Lisbeth would say,
260
00:17:55.360 --> 00:17:59.520
"Next time, just bake them
for 10 minutes instead of 15."
261
00:18:00.800 --> 00:18:01.880
"Okay."
262
00:18:03.440 --> 00:18:06.000
I'd break the stove. Lisbeth would say,
263
00:18:06.080 --> 00:18:08.720
"You'll just have to call the repairman."
264
00:18:10.120 --> 00:18:13.480
I'd burn down
the whole goddamned classroom.
265
00:18:13.560 --> 00:18:16.640
Lisbeth was excited when the firemen came.
266
00:18:17.800 --> 00:18:21.480
You could behave
so badly without being told off.
267
00:18:22.280 --> 00:18:25.200
But if you washed dishes
under running water…
268
00:18:33.080 --> 00:18:34.600
…all hell would be let loose!
269
00:18:35.600 --> 00:18:40.760
The social services would be called in
and you'd have to spend Christmas away.
270
00:18:44.000 --> 00:18:47.200
And I think because
I was such a strange kid myself,
271
00:18:47.280 --> 00:18:49.240
I hate kids.
272
00:18:50.040 --> 00:18:51.840
I hate kids. Period.
273
00:18:52.760 --> 00:18:56.840
Partly because I was a strange kid,
but also because of my first stand-up gig.
274
00:18:57.640 --> 00:19:01.480
My first stand-up gig was
for the Young Allergics Association.
275
00:19:03.720 --> 00:19:05.800
It's social suicide, for sure.
276
00:19:07.280 --> 00:19:08.880
My friend William Spetz
277
00:19:08.960 --> 00:19:12.520
was asked if he could do stand-up
at their conference.
278
00:19:12.600 --> 00:19:17.960
They we're to be 18 to 35 years old,
they would be drinking and in a good mood.
279
00:19:18.040 --> 00:19:21.640
They asked him if he could do
40 minutes of stand-up.
280
00:19:21.720 --> 00:19:24.920
He said, "No, I've never done stand-up.
I can't do 40 minutes.
281
00:19:25.000 --> 00:19:29.240
But a friend of mine would love to try.
Maybe we could do 20 minutes each."
282
00:19:30.040 --> 00:19:34.040
So, I said yes to this.
May I add that this was in Örebro.
283
00:19:37.040 --> 00:19:38.880
A fucking shithole.
284
00:19:42.000 --> 00:19:46.000
I was excited
about finally doing stand-up,
285
00:19:46.080 --> 00:19:50.280
so write 20 minutes of material about
how much I hate people who are allergic.
286
00:19:51.800 --> 00:19:54.480
We go there, I walk in,
287
00:19:54.560 --> 00:19:57.440
and I see 30 pairs of shoes
in the size for 10-year-olds.
288
00:19:58.280 --> 00:20:00.840
"What the hell is going on?"
289
00:20:00.920 --> 00:20:04.960
William had just done the Swedish
Eurovision, so kids are running at us…
290
00:20:05.040 --> 00:20:08.040
"Move, fatso!"
"What the hell is going on?!"
291
00:20:09.080 --> 00:20:10.480
We had been duped.
292
00:20:10.560 --> 00:20:13.120
We're at a camp
for kids who don't have any friends.
293
00:20:13.680 --> 00:20:17.320
Kids who say, "Are you allergic
to flowers too?" That's where we're at.
294
00:20:18.560 --> 00:20:23.000
I think, "I've written 20 minutes
about how much I hate these kids."
295
00:20:23.640 --> 00:20:27.200
"I can't say this. I just can't."
296
00:20:28.600 --> 00:20:30.160
But I did anyway.
297
00:20:32.480 --> 00:20:35.960
The first thing I say is that
I think peanut allergics should die.
298
00:20:37.960 --> 00:20:40.040
Felix on front row starts crying.
299
00:20:40.960 --> 00:20:43.280
Then I say, "You know when you suck cock…"
300
00:20:43.360 --> 00:20:44.520
No!
301
00:20:45.080 --> 00:20:48.000
They're 10 years old, Johanna.
Are you stupid?
302
00:20:48.800 --> 00:20:51.520
Also, we had to stay there overnight.
303
00:20:53.040 --> 00:20:56.920
Imagine the atmosphere over breakfast.
It wasn't great.
304
00:20:57.000 --> 00:20:59.640
So, I'm not really fond of kids. Sue me.
305
00:21:02.320 --> 00:21:05.080
Which isn't great,
because my sister has two kids.
306
00:21:06.000 --> 00:21:08.720
I thought one would have been enough.
307
00:21:09.760 --> 00:21:12.480
But she decided to
squeeze another one out.
308
00:21:13.960 --> 00:21:16.280
Saying that, I like the new kid more.
309
00:21:17.520 --> 00:21:20.760
She's five months old.
She doesn't talk. It's brilliant.
310
00:21:20.840 --> 00:21:24.000
The other one is 4,5 years.
She doesn't get irony.
311
00:21:24.640 --> 00:21:26.840
We just stand there looking at each other.
312
00:21:31.040 --> 00:21:32.280
"Move."
313
00:21:33.560 --> 00:21:36.080
My sister was crazy when she was pregnant.
314
00:21:36.160 --> 00:21:39.280
She swallowed all the pregnancy myths.
315
00:21:39.360 --> 00:21:43.240
She'd come to me and say,
"Johanna… Check out my pregnancy glow."
316
00:21:44.680 --> 00:21:46.800
"Yes, you're sweating.
317
00:21:47.760 --> 00:21:50.280
You're dripping, I mean…"
318
00:21:50.920 --> 00:21:54.080
"Look at my hair,
it's so long and thick and shiny."
319
00:21:54.760 --> 00:21:56.320
"It's greasy, Emelie.
320
00:21:57.760 --> 00:22:00.640
You haven't showered for nine months."
321
00:22:00.720 --> 00:22:04.160
"Look, my breasts are so big."
322
00:22:04.240 --> 00:22:06.240
"You look like a milk cow."
323
00:22:08.800 --> 00:22:13.040
Totally crazy. Now, she wants to become
the new Greta and save the world.
324
00:22:13.680 --> 00:22:17.920
I mean, we all have dreams and goals,
but there has to be some limit.
325
00:22:18.000 --> 00:22:22.120
She's started talking about
joining the donor register.
326
00:22:22.200 --> 00:22:24.360
Are you in the donor register?
Clap your hands.
327
00:22:24.920 --> 00:22:26.520
There's a few of you.
328
00:22:28.280 --> 00:22:30.720
I can see you looking…
I am coming for you.
329
00:22:32.720 --> 00:22:35.440
How old are you? 23.
330
00:22:35.520 --> 00:22:37.960
How long have you been
in the donor register?
331
00:22:38.040 --> 00:22:40.160
Three years. Why did you join?
332
00:22:42.280 --> 00:22:43.520
You don't know?
333
00:22:44.440 --> 00:22:45.400
Perfect.
334
00:22:46.160 --> 00:22:47.240
What did you say?
335
00:22:48.240 --> 00:22:49.600
"You are supposed to."
336
00:22:50.600 --> 00:22:53.600
Is that how you decide on everything?
"You are supposed to."
337
00:22:54.440 --> 00:22:57.440
It's a pretty big decision
to let people carve you up.
338
00:22:57.520 --> 00:23:00.240
Have you been kidnapped too?
It's like we have…
339
00:23:02.680 --> 00:23:03.800
Oh well.
340
00:23:05.640 --> 00:23:08.160
Is it mostly for the sake
of your conscience…?
341
00:23:09.200 --> 00:23:11.960
So, what else have you signed up for?
342
00:23:14.160 --> 00:23:17.120
KP? WWF?
343
00:23:17.920 --> 00:23:21.920
Do you donate money every month?
No, you don't. I can tell.
344
00:23:23.280 --> 00:23:24.920
To Bianca Ingrosso perhaps.
345
00:23:25.600 --> 00:23:26.880
To CAIA.
346
00:23:29.440 --> 00:23:30.720
Incredible. Thanks.
347
00:23:33.880 --> 00:23:37.600
Thanks! Good to have you with us.
I'm not in the donor register.
348
00:23:38.240 --> 00:23:41.960
I'll tell you why
I'm not in the donor register.
349
00:23:42.040 --> 00:23:44.960
Research shows that
the person who receives your organ
350
00:23:45.040 --> 00:23:48.080
might inherit
needs and emotions from the donor.
351
00:23:48.160 --> 00:23:50.680
And I refuse to expose
someone to my organs.
352
00:23:52.600 --> 00:23:54.280
Imagine getting my liver.
353
00:23:56.240 --> 00:23:57.920
You'd be screwed from the start.
354
00:23:58.440 --> 00:24:00.720
Take someone else's. Take Jockiboi's.
355
00:24:02.560 --> 00:24:06.000
He's got every diagnosis that exists
and drops his baby down the stairs…
356
00:24:16.680 --> 00:24:19.000
He won't hear this anyway. It's fine.
357
00:24:19.880 --> 00:24:24.600
He's out chasing ghosts. With Laxton.
358
00:24:27.680 --> 00:24:32.280
I can't donate, because I've got thoughts
that nobody should have.
359
00:24:32.360 --> 00:24:36.040
-For example, do you like seafood?
-Yes!
360
00:24:36.120 --> 00:24:37.520
I love seafood.
361
00:24:37.600 --> 00:24:41.080
But I think eating seafood
is a bit like having anal sex.
362
00:24:42.960 --> 00:24:44.120
Hello?
363
00:24:45.960 --> 00:24:50.440
I think it's quite a stretch
from idea to action.
364
00:24:50.520 --> 00:24:52.360
A lot of work…
365
00:24:53.960 --> 00:24:56.480
…for very little pleasure. I mean…
366
00:25:03.760 --> 00:25:05.960
Only women applauding.
367
00:25:06.800 --> 00:25:09.120
"That's right, Anton!"
368
00:25:11.360 --> 00:25:13.960
I'll be standing around
in the evening and just…
369
00:25:14.960 --> 00:25:18.480
"Can I be bothered tonight?
Is it worth it?"
370
00:25:20.120 --> 00:25:22.320
And your hands smell so bad…
371
00:25:23.560 --> 00:25:28.040
You just want a wet wipe.
A lemon-scented wet wipe.
372
00:25:28.120 --> 00:25:31.200
"Got a condom?" "No, take
a lemon-scented wet wipe instead."
373
00:25:32.760 --> 00:25:36.800
Other thoughts that no one else should
have, or it would be a danger for society.
374
00:25:36.880 --> 00:25:39.200
People have amazing thoughts, but not me.
375
00:25:39.280 --> 00:25:41.840
My matter of the heart is… the carrot…
376
00:25:42.760 --> 00:25:44.240
…inside…
377
00:25:44.840 --> 00:25:46.200
…the carrot.
378
00:25:49.680 --> 00:25:56.200
There is actually a carrot
inside the carrot…
379
00:25:57.520 --> 00:26:00.840
…that is so fucking tasty!
It's completely fucking insane.
380
00:26:04.840 --> 00:26:10.760
You bite around the carrot, and a tiny
little stem appears, so fragile.
381
00:26:10.840 --> 00:26:13.600
"It's you and me against the world.
Don't ever leave me."
382
00:26:13.680 --> 00:26:19.720
It's so sweet. It's like a Kinder egg,
for fuck's sake. It's the best concept.
383
00:26:20.440 --> 00:26:24.160
The carrot inside the carrot is
a bit like guys who are circumcised…
384
00:26:29.520 --> 00:26:32.200
…in that they've removed the bad part…
385
00:26:33.160 --> 00:26:34.720
…but kept the good part.
386
00:26:36.400 --> 00:26:40.040
When you sleep with someone
who's circumcised, you don't need to…
387
00:26:42.280 --> 00:26:45.840
…pull it out, clean it…
388
00:26:46.880 --> 00:26:51.640
…remove the dirt…
I mean, you don't need to do that.
389
00:26:55.240 --> 00:26:58.640
I also can't donate my organs
becaus I was born in the 90s.
390
00:26:58.720 --> 00:27:00.880
I take it there are more
90s children here.
391
00:27:01.760 --> 00:27:02.960
That's right.
392
00:27:05.320 --> 00:27:07.920
We 90s children, we're the worst…
393
00:27:10.160 --> 00:27:14.120
…that was put on this planet.
394
00:27:14.200 --> 00:27:17.320
We who were born in the 90s say,
"I've got a French balcony."
395
00:27:18.400 --> 00:27:20.800
And they're like,
"It's a big window. Shut up."
396
00:27:21.800 --> 00:27:25.840
90s children think Malala is Simba's mom.
That's where we're at.
397
00:27:27.240 --> 00:27:30.160
90s children become influencers.
That's what we are.
398
00:27:30.240 --> 00:27:35.000
We have influencers
who call themselves entrepreneurs.
399
00:27:40.320 --> 00:27:41.720
Let that sink in.
400
00:27:42.720 --> 00:27:46.000
They call themselves entrepreneurs
when they make mobile phone covers
401
00:27:46.080 --> 00:27:47.400
with Ideal of Sweden.
402
00:27:48.680 --> 00:27:50.560
Marble on every single one of them.
403
00:27:51.400 --> 00:27:54.680
What would you rather answer for,
the Palme murder or a marble cover?
404
00:27:56.320 --> 00:28:00.200
To call yourself an entrepreneur when you
make phone covers with Ideal of Sweden,
405
00:28:00.280 --> 00:28:03.880
is like saying that someone that
works for Foodora works with spinning.
406
00:28:07.880 --> 00:28:10.200
We have such high thoughts of ourselves.
407
00:28:10.280 --> 00:28:13.480
I saw a show called Catfish.
408
00:28:13.560 --> 00:28:18.440
It's about people who've been together
forever without ever meeting.
409
00:28:18.520 --> 00:28:22.560
There was a guy on the show.
He'd had a girlfriend for ten years.
410
00:28:22.640 --> 00:28:24.560
They were engaged but had never met.
411
00:28:24.640 --> 00:28:28.560
Two guys came to help him find
this person, and get them to meet.
412
00:28:28.640 --> 00:28:32.240
They asked him, "Why haven't you met?"
413
00:28:32.320 --> 00:28:36.040
He was like, "No, she's too busy."
414
00:28:38.520 --> 00:28:40.680
Spontaneous reaction: in ten years?
415
00:28:41.720 --> 00:28:44.680
I'm sure you'd be able
to find a little gap in the schedule?
416
00:28:46.000 --> 00:28:48.800
They were like, "Okay.
But have you spoken over the phone?"
417
00:28:48.880 --> 00:28:51.400
He was like,
"No, but I've heard her voice."
418
00:28:52.600 --> 00:28:57.000
They were like, "What the hell is this?
Tell us who the girl is."
419
00:28:57.080 --> 00:28:59.080
He says, "You won't believe me."
420
00:29:00.960 --> 00:29:02.840
"It's Katy Perry." Sure…
421
00:29:03.800 --> 00:29:06.600
Most likely to be with Katy Perry. Not.
422
00:29:06.680 --> 00:29:10.560
We think so much of ourselves. If we're
not influencers we'll do whatever else.
423
00:29:10.640 --> 00:29:15.360
I met a guy at a party, and somehow
he started talking about himself.
424
00:29:23.400 --> 00:29:25.240
That never happens.
425
00:29:26.160 --> 00:29:29.800
We started talking about work.
I said, "I'm a comedian."
426
00:29:29.880 --> 00:29:32.080
He said, "That's weird."
427
00:29:33.560 --> 00:29:34.920
I said, "Thanks."
428
00:29:35.760 --> 00:29:37.360
So, I asked him what he did.
429
00:29:37.440 --> 00:29:39.360
He said, "I do beatboxing."
430
00:29:43.000 --> 00:29:46.200
"I'm sorry? I didn't mean your hobby.
What do you do for work?"
431
00:29:46.960 --> 00:29:48.920
"That is my job."
432
00:29:49.000 --> 00:29:51.840
"Okay, you play drums with your mouth.
That's what you do."
433
00:29:52.440 --> 00:29:57.040
He told me he sees
an "air coach" once a week.
434
00:29:57.120 --> 00:29:59.600
Because
"breathing is important in the drop".
435
00:30:00.720 --> 00:30:04.920
No one can hear the difference.
He wanted to be the best in the world.
436
00:30:05.000 --> 00:30:08.400
There are only two people doing it,
it's not that hard.
437
00:30:10.320 --> 00:30:13.240
Then he told me he was releasing a demo.
438
00:30:14.640 --> 00:30:16.120
"Would you like to hear it?"
439
00:30:19.000 --> 00:30:20.080
"No."
440
00:30:21.080 --> 00:30:22.080
I didn't say that.
441
00:30:22.160 --> 00:30:27.320
I said, "I haven't got any
headphones. Sorry, dude."
442
00:30:27.920 --> 00:30:30.640
Then he said,
"I can do it live if you want."
443
00:30:33.880 --> 00:30:35.080
Right.
444
00:30:36.080 --> 00:30:37.960
So, for three minutes I stood there,
445
00:30:38.720 --> 00:30:41.400
hoping that
he would have an asthma attack.
446
00:30:43.080 --> 00:30:45.760
How do you groove along to beatboxing?
447
00:30:46.320 --> 00:30:49.520
I stood there… "I'll have to sway a bit.
I'll sway a bit."
448
00:30:50.640 --> 00:30:53.480
Then I thought, "I'll raise an arm."
I raised an arm.
449
00:30:54.840 --> 00:30:57.040
I thought, "I'm too quiet."
450
00:30:57.760 --> 00:31:00.280
So I started going, "Yeah."
451
00:31:01.800 --> 00:31:02.760
"Uh-huh."
452
00:31:04.080 --> 00:31:05.720
"Skrrt." Yeah, you know.
453
00:31:07.000 --> 00:31:09.280
I've never felt so white
in my entire life.
454
00:31:09.360 --> 00:31:13.800
I've never grooved along to beatboxing.
It's like watching horseback riding.
455
00:31:13.880 --> 00:31:15.960
What the hell are you supposed to say?
456
00:31:16.560 --> 00:31:18.800
"Nice jump."
457
00:31:20.120 --> 00:31:23.320
It was like a hostage situation
without a gun.
458
00:31:23.400 --> 00:31:26.880
I felt like a cobra coming up
from a bucket. Seriously.
459
00:31:29.040 --> 00:31:32.360
Get this. You have a son.
460
00:31:38.400 --> 00:31:43.000
One day he comes home, "Mom, all I want
for my birthday is an air coach."
461
00:31:44.520 --> 00:31:46.480
"Do you know something, David?
462
00:31:48.040 --> 00:31:51.040
I'll give you an air rifle
so you can shoot yourself in the head."
463
00:32:05.360 --> 00:32:06.280
But we had sex.
464
00:32:08.480 --> 00:32:09.640
So, you know…
465
00:32:11.200 --> 00:32:12.880
No, this was…
466
00:32:14.480 --> 00:32:16.480
This was too…
467
00:32:16.560 --> 00:32:19.360
So the curtains are red here? I see…
468
00:32:21.760 --> 00:32:24.560
I'm actually struggling
to look you in the eye.
469
00:32:25.200 --> 00:32:26.800
I'm a bit ashamed.
470
00:32:32.440 --> 00:32:35.720
But it went well. He followed me
all the way home, which was nice.
471
00:32:36.520 --> 00:32:38.440
We went inside and I locked the door.
472
00:32:39.240 --> 00:32:41.280
I said, "You're not going anywhere."
473
00:32:42.000 --> 00:32:44.400
"You can beatbox
me to death for all I care."
474
00:32:46.800 --> 00:32:52.200
We were going to have sex
and so, you know, there's the foreplay…
475
00:32:53.920 --> 00:32:55.720
You're supposed to suck cock.
476
00:32:57.840 --> 00:33:01.720
There are things I enjoy more,
just so you know…
477
00:33:03.000 --> 00:33:04.440
…but I'm just human.
478
00:33:05.280 --> 00:33:07.680
So I did it, I got down on my knees…
479
00:33:09.360 --> 00:33:12.040
I won't look anyone in the eye now,
just so you know.
480
00:33:13.800 --> 00:33:15.280
I won't do that.
481
00:33:17.320 --> 00:33:20.800
But I got down on my knees,
prepared for the usual,
482
00:33:20.880 --> 00:33:22.440
not being able to breathe,
483
00:33:23.800 --> 00:33:27.840
throwing up, getting whiplash injury…
484
00:33:28.800 --> 00:33:31.200
I was prepared for it all.
485
00:33:31.720 --> 00:33:33.560
So, I sat down and…
486
00:33:38.280 --> 00:33:41.200
…"got to work" doesn't sound right.
487
00:33:42.520 --> 00:33:47.320
I got the party started.
That's better. I got the party started.
488
00:33:48.920 --> 00:33:52.040
After a while, I suddenly feel a hand…
489
00:33:54.960 --> 00:33:56.040
…on…
490
00:33:57.280 --> 00:33:58.280
You bet.
491
00:33:59.840 --> 00:34:01.280
…my…
492
00:34:01.360 --> 00:34:02.240
…head…
493
00:34:03.480 --> 00:34:05.440
And it starts to knead.
494
00:34:06.480 --> 00:34:09.880
I'm going like this
and he's going like this. It's like this.
495
00:34:10.480 --> 00:34:13.360
Like a fucking tornado.
"What the hell is going on?!"
496
00:34:16.040 --> 00:34:18.400
I didn't dare to say, "Stop! My body!"
497
00:34:19.240 --> 00:34:21.200
I thought,
"We're having such a good time."
498
00:34:21.720 --> 00:34:25.040
So, it just keeps going.
After a while I've got the rhythm down.
499
00:34:25.120 --> 00:34:27.920
Play "La Macarena". Let's fucking roll!
500
00:34:37.160 --> 00:34:42.680
But it made me dizzy, you know.
I was like, "Where have I ended up?"
501
00:34:43.600 --> 00:34:46.280
"Am I with my real parents?"
I was starting to…
502
00:34:49.080 --> 00:34:53.160
After a while I thought, "I need to
know what's going on down here."
503
00:34:53.240 --> 00:34:56.960
I realized that I was sat down
there with my mouth full…
504
00:34:58.800 --> 00:35:00.360
…getting a hair massage.
505
00:35:02.640 --> 00:35:04.120
We're not in a fucking spa.
506
00:35:04.840 --> 00:35:08.520
If I had jerked him off, my other hand
would have gotten a hand massage.
507
00:35:09.640 --> 00:35:12.080
The 69…
"Could I have some foot massage, please."
508
00:35:17.000 --> 00:35:19.880
This has marked me for life.
509
00:35:21.320 --> 00:35:24.520
So, now when I go to the hairdresser
and they start shampooing my hair…
510
00:35:32.840 --> 00:35:37.000
Afterwards, I found out that
I had either chlamydia or a UTI.
511
00:35:38.320 --> 00:35:40.200
As it turned out, I had both.
512
00:35:41.320 --> 00:35:44.760
I had to order a chlamydia test,
because I refuse to see a gynecologist.
513
00:35:44.840 --> 00:35:49.120
I won't look her in the eye
and tell her I've been partying. I refuse.
514
00:35:49.840 --> 00:35:53.040
So, I ordered a chlamydia test
and received it in a plain white envelope.
515
00:35:53.120 --> 00:35:55.520
One chlamydia test and one condom.
516
00:35:57.440 --> 00:35:58.760
No note.
517
00:35:59.600 --> 00:36:01.280
What a bloody statement.
518
00:36:02.320 --> 00:36:04.280
"Here you are, little hooker."
519
00:36:07.400 --> 00:36:10.520
But stupid as I am,
I spilled the contents of the test tube,
520
00:36:10.600 --> 00:36:12.720
so I had to order a new one.
521
00:36:12.800 --> 00:36:18.640
Same thing again: a plain white envelope,
one chlamydia test and three condoms.
522
00:36:20.200 --> 00:36:22.680
Can you imagine
how they must have fucking talked?
523
00:36:24.200 --> 00:36:26.200
Next time I'll get a dildo.
524
00:36:27.200 --> 00:36:29.240
With a note, "Stop sleeping around."
525
00:36:30.360 --> 00:36:35.520
It's like selling Christmas magazines.
The more you sell, the better the rewards.
526
00:36:36.920 --> 00:36:41.400
Next time I will get a "Satisfy Pro".
It will be great.
527
00:36:45.640 --> 00:36:47.280
The timing wasn't great.
528
00:36:47.360 --> 00:36:50.600
I don't know if the timing
is ever great to get Chlamydia.
529
00:36:50.680 --> 00:36:52.800
But I was going to Costa Rica…
530
00:36:53.840 --> 00:36:55.280
…to learn how to surf.
531
00:37:02.400 --> 00:37:05.440
I had been really busy with work,
I was really tired.
532
00:37:05.520 --> 00:37:08.920
I needed to find the calm,
find myself, and so on.
533
00:37:09.000 --> 00:37:11.520
It takes 34 hours to travel to Costa Rica.
534
00:37:11.600 --> 00:37:13.880
The calm was gone already in London.
535
00:37:15.280 --> 00:37:18.800
When I arrive, the girls
are wearing tank tops and shorts.
536
00:37:18.880 --> 00:37:20.680
They're having muesli for snacks.
537
00:37:21.960 --> 00:37:26.240
"Perfect. I've got two minutes to lose
40 kg. This is going to be wonderful."
538
00:37:30.800 --> 00:37:33.560
The first thing they ask is,
"Have you been surfing before?"
539
00:37:36.480 --> 00:37:40.000
"What do you think? I look like a bowler."
540
00:37:45.480 --> 00:37:49.200
On the first day we wake up
at 05.30 to do yoga.
541
00:37:49.920 --> 00:37:53.280
Yoga for me is sleeping,
542
00:37:53.880 --> 00:37:56.640
lighting a candle and juggling mangoes.
543
00:37:57.560 --> 00:38:00.920
We had to stand in downward dog,
the plank with your bum in the air,
544
00:38:01.000 --> 00:38:03.880
for 45 minutes, and breathe.
545
00:38:04.800 --> 00:38:07.200
I can tell you I was gasping for air.
546
00:38:08.400 --> 00:38:09.920
There was a surf guarantee.
547
00:38:10.000 --> 00:38:13.080
"100% chance
that you'll learn how to surf."
548
00:38:13.160 --> 00:38:16.840
It was on the website. "100% chance
that you'll learn how to surf."
549
00:38:17.720 --> 00:38:20.040
They've had to change it to 99%.
550
00:38:23.760 --> 00:38:27.160
Surfers are the worst people
I've ever met.
551
00:38:27.240 --> 00:38:31.440
They would get up in the morning…
"Today, I took some green waves."
552
00:38:33.840 --> 00:38:36.760
"And I took ecstasy. Shut up."
553
00:38:38.840 --> 00:38:40.000
It was horrible.
554
00:38:40.080 --> 00:38:43.080
I went there to find myself.
I didn't have a clue where I was.
555
00:38:43.600 --> 00:38:47.440
When I got home, I was like,
"What do I do now? Read the horoscopes?"
556
00:38:47.520 --> 00:38:52.120
Anyone read the horoscopes in here?
Clap your hands.
557
00:38:53.840 --> 00:38:56.680
Yes. 3,000 retards.
558
00:38:58.760 --> 00:38:59.920
Thanks for coming.
559
00:39:02.360 --> 00:39:04.680
I read the horoscopes too.
560
00:39:05.560 --> 00:39:08.560
I'm with you, although I'm not sure
you want to be in my category.
561
00:39:09.080 --> 00:39:13.200
I love horoscopes, I love the idea that
something good will happen at some point.
562
00:39:17.120 --> 00:39:19.360
Somebody just got sacked.
563
00:39:23.000 --> 00:39:26.320
I love horoscopes, but not
when they're about planets and shit.
564
00:39:26.400 --> 00:39:29.440
I don't care. I want to know,
one, does anyone fancy me?
565
00:39:30.760 --> 00:39:32.800
Two, will I get rich?
566
00:39:32.880 --> 00:39:34.760
Three, will my real parents ever find me?
567
00:39:34.840 --> 00:39:37.720
That's the only thing
I really want to know.
568
00:39:38.440 --> 00:39:40.840
I went to a
fortuneteller a few months ago.
569
00:39:41.880 --> 00:39:44.040
And the first thing she tells me is…
570
00:39:46.040 --> 00:39:49.680
"I can see…you sitting in a house…
571
00:39:51.760 --> 00:39:53.040
…alone."
572
00:39:54.720 --> 00:39:57.200
"I've paid for an hour.
This is going to be fun."
573
00:39:58.200 --> 00:39:59.640
"No, no. You'll like it."
574
00:39:59.720 --> 00:40:02.000
"I guess I haven't got
a bloody choice, do I?"
575
00:40:03.360 --> 00:40:07.880
Then we got to the fun bit
where I had to ask yes or no questions.
576
00:40:07.960 --> 00:40:12.720
"I have the answers…" No, she said,
"I can talk to the angels."
577
00:40:13.680 --> 00:40:15.000
How easy.
578
00:40:16.560 --> 00:40:19.640
I'm not sure you can make
a Wi-Fi call up there.
579
00:40:20.200 --> 00:40:23.200
She said, "Ask a yes or no
question and I'll answer it."
580
00:40:23.280 --> 00:40:28.720
I took it seriously. "Okay, I'll ask
questions that I really want answered."
581
00:40:28.800 --> 00:40:33.520
So, I said,
"Will I ever be a police officer?"
582
00:40:33.600 --> 00:40:38.120
She got her tarot cards out.
"Oh, are we playing Uno now?"
583
00:40:39.680 --> 00:40:42.720
She said,
"I'm going to lay the cards out.
584
00:40:42.800 --> 00:40:45.920
If there are 13 cards, that means no.
585
00:40:46.520 --> 00:40:49.040
Less than 13 cards means yes."
586
00:40:49.120 --> 00:40:52.000
"Okay, whatever. Go ahead. Do your thing."
587
00:40:52.600 --> 00:40:55.480
She lays the cards out and goes, "Hmm."
588
00:40:56.040 --> 00:41:00.480
"Yes. There are 13 cards…
589
00:41:02.440 --> 00:41:03.640
…so that means no."
590
00:41:04.320 --> 00:41:08.600
"I saw you counting them! I'm not stupid!"
591
00:41:08.680 --> 00:41:11.680
Then she says to me,
"You're dating the wrong guys."
592
00:41:11.760 --> 00:41:15.000
"Thanks, I know! I dated
a guy who lived in a trailer. Please…"
593
00:41:16.400 --> 00:41:20.880
It's true.
I dated a guy who lived in a trailer.
594
00:41:21.520 --> 00:41:25.080
This was when I lived in Västerås,
my hometown.
595
00:41:25.160 --> 00:41:29.000
I was out in a bar.
He came up to me and said,
596
00:41:29.080 --> 00:41:30.720
"Wanna come back to my place?"
597
00:41:31.360 --> 00:41:34.600
I thought,
"I won't get that question again.
598
00:41:36.160 --> 00:41:38.680
So, here's me saying yes to life."
599
00:41:39.800 --> 00:41:41.720
So, we get on a bus.
600
00:41:41.800 --> 00:41:44.840
Number 309 towards Höganäs,
never heard of the fucking bus.
601
00:41:44.920 --> 00:41:47.360
We travel for 20 minutes, 30 minutes…
602
00:41:47.440 --> 00:41:51.000
If you invite someone back to your place,
you have to live in the city.
603
00:41:52.000 --> 00:41:55.800
You can't expect me to cross the border
to have fun in a week from now.
604
00:41:57.360 --> 00:42:00.360
So, we're on the bus,
we reach a dirt road. It's dark.
605
00:42:00.440 --> 00:42:02.040
He says, "We're getting off here."
606
00:42:05.200 --> 00:42:06.520
"Are you sure?"
607
00:42:07.920 --> 00:42:09.160
"Yes. Get off."
608
00:42:09.240 --> 00:42:12.880
"Okay, great. I'm going to be
kidnapped again. How wonderful."
609
00:42:14.280 --> 00:42:16.760
-l love you!
-Thanks.
610
00:42:16.840 --> 00:42:18.040
That's probably him.
611
00:42:20.760 --> 00:42:22.000
Thank you for coming.
612
00:42:26.360 --> 00:42:30.080
So, we get off the bus. It's pitch black.
613
00:42:30.160 --> 00:42:34.040
I realize there's no point
even trying to run away from him.
614
00:42:34.120 --> 00:42:36.160
Do you know how slow I run?
615
00:42:36.960 --> 00:42:38.880
A trot is my fastest pace.
616
00:42:40.400 --> 00:42:42.000
It's pitch-black.
617
00:42:42.080 --> 00:42:44.960
He gets a flashlight
out of his coat pocket.
618
00:42:46.440 --> 00:42:48.960
He brought a flashlight to the bar!
619
00:42:50.080 --> 00:42:52.320
Sends off a red flag if anything.
620
00:42:53.200 --> 00:42:56.160
There we are like two blind people.
"What's going on?"
621
00:42:58.120 --> 00:43:01.400
We get to the trailer park.
He says, "This is where I live."
622
00:43:03.800 --> 00:43:04.720
Okay…
623
00:43:05.320 --> 00:43:07.400
"Maybe you could have said that before."
624
00:43:10.600 --> 00:43:13.240
But we continued
seeing each other, weirdly enough.
625
00:43:13.320 --> 00:43:15.760
It was a bit hard
telling my parents where he lived.
626
00:43:15.840 --> 00:43:19.520
I don't know why,
maybe it had to do with pride.
627
00:43:19.600 --> 00:43:22.360
One night, my parents
asked me what I was doing.
628
00:43:22.440 --> 00:43:24.920
I said, "I'm going to Felix' place."
629
00:43:25.000 --> 00:43:28.440
"Felix, he lives
in the countryside, right?"
630
00:43:31.320 --> 00:43:34.160
"Sort of. It's a bit further out."
631
00:43:34.240 --> 00:43:35.480
"Do you want a ride?"
632
00:43:35.560 --> 00:43:39.360
"Hell, no!
I'll take the bus towards Höganäs."
633
00:43:40.440 --> 00:43:43.000
"Does he live in a villa, or…?"
634
00:43:45.480 --> 00:43:49.680
"Well, it's not really a villa…
There's only one floor."
635
00:43:50.560 --> 00:43:54.960
"Okay, a bungalow?"
"Well, I wouldn't say that…"
636
00:43:56.440 --> 00:43:57.880
"Okay, a row house?"
637
00:43:59.120 --> 00:44:01.160
"There are definitely houses in a row."
638
00:44:02.080 --> 00:44:04.840
"So, it's an apartment? Come on, what…?"
639
00:44:05.360 --> 00:44:07.840
"It's an apartment on wheels,
what can I say?"
640
00:44:08.640 --> 00:44:11.920
"You're dating a homeless person.
Well done. Congratulations."
641
00:44:13.640 --> 00:44:19.400
This guy had so many red flags.
He also loved rosehip soup.
642
00:44:21.160 --> 00:44:23.760
Why not break up at that point? Seriously.
643
00:44:25.720 --> 00:44:28.120
One evening I was going
to his place and he wrote to me,
644
00:44:28.200 --> 00:44:30.000
"Johanna, could you please…
645
00:44:32.160 --> 00:44:33.960
…buy some rosehip soup on the way?"
646
00:44:36.200 --> 00:44:38.440
"Of course my guy
is getting rosehip soup!"
647
00:44:39.720 --> 00:44:42.560
I don't usually go to actual food stores,
648
00:44:42.640 --> 00:44:45.560
because people working there
are too engaged in us shoppers.
649
00:44:45.640 --> 00:44:48.880
And I suck at finding stuff
and don't like to ask.
650
00:44:48.960 --> 00:44:52.680
But I went in and tried to find the soup.
651
00:44:52.760 --> 00:44:55.640
I haven't a clue.
Is rosehip soup hot or cold?
652
00:44:56.200 --> 00:44:58.480
Is it with dairy, or jelly?
653
00:44:58.560 --> 00:45:02.200
I search like crazy, but I can't find it.
Okay, I'll just have to ask.
654
00:45:02.280 --> 00:45:03.760
I just have to ask.
655
00:45:03.840 --> 00:45:06.760
I see a girl working in the store.
656
00:45:07.400 --> 00:45:10.760
I go up to her and say,
"Why, hello there…"
657
00:45:10.840 --> 00:45:15.440
I definitely didn't say that.
Why would I say that?
658
00:45:16.240 --> 00:45:20.000
I guess I said… "Hello." "Hi."
659
00:45:23.800 --> 00:45:25.920
And she said, "Hello."
660
00:45:28.040 --> 00:45:30.400
The conversation
definitely wasn't this long.
661
00:45:32.080 --> 00:45:34.760
I said, "May I ask you a question?"
662
00:45:36.040 --> 00:45:39.120
She said,
"Yes of course, ask me anything."
663
00:45:41.480 --> 00:45:42.600
So I said, "Well…"
664
00:45:45.040 --> 00:45:48.400
"The rosehip soup, where is it?
Just tell me the isle."
665
00:45:48.480 --> 00:45:50.440
"Right! Let's go to the rosehip soup!"
666
00:45:51.280 --> 00:45:55.000
She's walking 15 meters ahead of me.
It's a walk of shame in the store.
667
00:45:55.080 --> 00:45:58.480
"You don't have to drag me to Narnia.
Are you stupid?"
668
00:45:58.560 --> 00:46:02.320
Just tell me which aisle it is!
It's such a brag.
669
00:46:06.120 --> 00:46:09.200
And I also hate going to Systembolaget.
670
00:46:09.280 --> 00:46:11.480
I just want the booze to come to me.
671
00:46:14.960 --> 00:46:18.680
But I was going to a dinner,
probably with this bloody trailer guy.
672
00:46:19.720 --> 00:46:23.880
And when you turn 20,
673
00:46:23.960 --> 00:46:27.160
you need to bring wine
or flowers or some crap like that.
674
00:46:27.240 --> 00:46:31.280
So I go into Systembolaget
to buy some wine.
675
00:46:31.360 --> 00:46:33.080
I go to the wine shelf.
676
00:46:33.160 --> 00:46:36.600
I don't know wine, I go for
the nicest bottles, the most expensive.
677
00:46:36.680 --> 00:46:40.440
I'm looking at a bottle,
and a lady comes up beside me.
678
00:46:40.520 --> 00:46:44.160
She's like…
"Hmm. I was just looking at that wine."
679
00:46:51.880 --> 00:46:52.960
"Oh?"
680
00:46:54.880 --> 00:46:58.240
"Do you know if it goes well with meat?"
681
00:47:00.600 --> 00:47:03.720
I have no clue. I drink
Red Bull and vodka in the weekends.
682
00:47:04.840 --> 00:47:09.280
It's like Penny Parnevik
asking her parents about birth control.
683
00:47:09.360 --> 00:47:11.920
She's got fifteen million siblings.
684
00:47:16.440 --> 00:47:22.360
As you've understood,
I have been single most of my life.
685
00:47:22.440 --> 00:47:26.440
Now, I've found myself a guy,
I don't know how.
686
00:47:27.440 --> 00:47:28.600
Oh, thank you.
687
00:47:34.360 --> 00:47:36.680
He is gonna leave me soon but that's ok.
688
00:47:39.040 --> 00:47:40.360
I'll stay put.
689
00:47:41.040 --> 00:47:44.800
I was single for a very long time.
690
00:47:44.880 --> 00:47:49.080
I am really bad at dating.
Do you have Tinder?
691
00:47:50.200 --> 00:47:54.720
Not so many out of ten thousand.
692
00:47:56.040 --> 00:47:59.440
If I find out later you have Tinder,
I'll kill every single one of you.
693
00:48:02.080 --> 00:48:06.200
Because what I'm about to tell you now
is pretty rough. I had Tinder…
694
00:48:08.160 --> 00:48:10.080
I had Tinder Gold.
695
00:48:12.520 --> 00:48:14.280
That was a sneer. I heard that.
696
00:48:16.160 --> 00:48:20.960
Tinder Gold lets you see who's liked you,
letting you choose.
697
00:48:21.840 --> 00:48:23.840
And you can go abroad.
698
00:48:24.800 --> 00:48:28.800
In the app. I'm not an escort.
699
00:48:31.480 --> 00:48:35.720
Tinder Gold costs 200 kronor a month.
It costs more than electricity.
700
00:48:37.240 --> 00:48:40.120
I could've saved five kids a month,
according to Unicef.
701
00:48:41.240 --> 00:48:43.040
No, that's not for me.
702
00:48:44.840 --> 00:48:48.320
My reason for getting Tinder Gold
was that I would save a lot of time.
703
00:48:48.840 --> 00:48:52.320
Yeah right, saving time by
swiping around in Australia.
704
00:48:56.440 --> 00:48:59.880
But when I started dating
my current boyfriend I was crazy.
705
00:48:59.960 --> 00:49:02.400
I get completely crazy when dating.
706
00:49:02.480 --> 00:49:05.920
If he didn't reply for ten minutes…
707
00:49:06.520 --> 00:49:07.560
I went bananas.
708
00:49:08.280 --> 00:49:12.400
Completely bananas. I could be
standing with a friend, and like…
709
00:49:16.400 --> 00:49:17.640
"Okay."
710
00:49:18.560 --> 00:49:20.600
"Okay!"
711
00:49:21.480 --> 00:49:23.920
"Okay, then!"
712
00:49:24.000 --> 00:49:28.080
"It's over.
That's the end of that. Oh well."
713
00:49:28.960 --> 00:49:31.960
And my friend was like,
"Here we fucking go again."
714
00:49:34.200 --> 00:49:38.440
And she was like,
"Johanna, have you spoken today, or…?"
715
00:49:39.240 --> 00:49:41.880
And I was like, "Yes, we have spoken.
716
00:49:43.320 --> 00:49:47.960
But are we talking now?
No, we aren't talking now., are we?"
717
00:49:49.480 --> 00:49:53.000
"Okay, but if you have spoken today,
you might know what he's doing."
718
00:49:54.160 --> 00:49:55.320
"Yes.
719
00:49:56.640 --> 00:49:58.160
He's at a fucking funeral.
720
00:49:59.680 --> 00:50:02.880
He's at a fucking funeral.
Felicia's gone and died.
721
00:50:02.960 --> 00:50:04.920
And he's bought flowers for her.
722
00:50:05.840 --> 00:50:09.320
Will he buy flowers for me?
No. But for Felicia, yes.
723
00:50:09.400 --> 00:50:10.760
He's fucking her right now.
724
00:50:11.720 --> 00:50:15.880
He's fucking her in doggy style
in the coffin. I just know it."
725
00:50:18.760 --> 00:50:22.080
And my friends, "I think you would've
known if he wanted to fuck corpses."
726
00:50:23.240 --> 00:50:24.640
"You never know.
727
00:50:25.880 --> 00:50:29.280
I would've fucked Micke dead or alive.
It makes no difference to me."
728
00:50:32.840 --> 00:50:34.520
Thank you, you're all so nice.
729
00:50:37.360 --> 00:50:38.760
Before I met my boyfriend,
730
00:50:38.840 --> 00:50:42.000
I've always wondered what it's like
to have sex with someone who's got asthma.
731
00:50:43.840 --> 00:50:46.360
People always have asthma
up until you have sex.
732
00:50:46.880 --> 00:50:51.160
You've never heard anyone say,
"I've got the inhaler with me."
733
00:50:51.840 --> 00:50:53.280
You've never heard that.
734
00:50:54.000 --> 00:50:56.240
I didn't know my boyfriend has asthma,
735
00:50:56.320 --> 00:50:59.680
but when you're gonna have sex with
someone you like,
736
00:50:59.760 --> 00:51:02.960
you want it to be good.
737
00:51:03.560 --> 00:51:07.120
I went all in. I shaved my entire body.
738
00:51:07.200 --> 00:51:10.520
I moisturized. I ate pineapple for weeks.
739
00:51:11.960 --> 00:51:14.720
I ran to the pharmacy and found…
Well, I didn't run.
740
00:51:15.440 --> 00:51:20.520
I walked, rather, to the pharmacy and
found something called coochie deodorant.
741
00:51:22.080 --> 00:51:24.600
No it's not, it's called intimate spray.
742
00:51:25.360 --> 00:51:28.080
I bought a few bottles.
I used the first one.
743
00:51:28.160 --> 00:51:31.000
"No, I'll take the second one too."
I took the third one…
744
00:51:32.080 --> 00:51:34.680
But what I didn't know was
that people with asthma…
745
00:51:38.360 --> 00:51:40.680
…have difficulties with scents…
746
00:51:42.200 --> 00:51:43.560
…and perfumes.
747
00:51:45.200 --> 00:51:46.280
So, he…
748
00:51:51.200 --> 00:51:52.680
…went down on me…
749
00:51:55.200 --> 00:51:58.440
…and I suddenly felt
how he started to shake.
750
00:52:01.760 --> 00:52:08.280
Which was the greatest thing
I've ever felt in my entire life.
751
00:52:12.200 --> 00:52:16.480
You know air pressure vibrators?
I thought, "He's done a course.
752
00:52:17.560 --> 00:52:20.560
He's learned to do it with his mouth.
753
00:52:20.640 --> 00:52:24.520
We've all evolved differently,
and you've evolved perfectly for me."
754
00:52:24.600 --> 00:52:28.000
So, I let him continue
until he started coughing.
755
00:52:29.520 --> 00:52:32.160
Which was something out of this world.
756
00:52:33.040 --> 00:52:36.600
Guys, if you haven't coughed in your
girlfriend's pussy, go home and do it.
757
00:52:37.320 --> 00:52:40.480
Corona is the
best thing that ever happened to me.
758
00:52:41.480 --> 00:52:44.440
The first Corona outburst,
I was there in a heartbeat.
759
00:52:45.960 --> 00:52:49.000
If someone's coughing on a bus,
"You're coming home with me."
760
00:52:49.600 --> 00:52:51.960
Anders Tegnell,
"Everyone needs to get vaccinated."
761
00:52:52.040 --> 00:52:53.840
Fucking misogynist.
762
00:53:06.960 --> 00:53:10.840
I also think I'm heterosexual because
I've got a phobia called trypophobia.
763
00:53:14.680 --> 00:53:17.400
It's a phobia where you have
a fear of holes.
764
00:53:18.640 --> 00:53:20.040
I hate holes.
765
00:53:20.800 --> 00:53:23.320
It feels like things
will be coming out of them.
766
00:53:23.400 --> 00:53:25.720
Like the TikTok cop.
767
00:53:28.280 --> 00:53:32.240
It feels like if I went down on a girl
and saw it all I would be like, "No!"
768
00:53:32.760 --> 00:53:35.480
She could threaten me with her pussy.
769
00:53:36.120 --> 00:53:39.480
"If you don't take the trash out,
you know what will happen."
770
00:53:41.200 --> 00:53:45.000
I hate holes, all types of holes.
771
00:53:46.160 --> 00:53:50.240
I came home
to my mother and sister to tell them.
772
00:53:50.320 --> 00:53:52.840
"Sit down. This is important."
773
00:53:54.240 --> 00:53:56.800
I said, "Okay. Um…
774
00:53:58.160 --> 00:54:00.040
I've got trypophobia.
775
00:54:02.040 --> 00:54:03.960
And it's really difficult for me.
776
00:54:05.280 --> 00:54:07.400
And my sister said, "Johanna.
777
00:54:08.080 --> 00:54:10.480
I've also got trypophobia.
778
00:54:12.240 --> 00:54:13.800
I think it runs in the family."
779
00:54:16.160 --> 00:54:19.160
"Well, I'm from Portugal,
so, I don't know about that."
780
00:54:19.240 --> 00:54:24.920
Thank you, Avicii Arena!
Thank you for coming! You're wonderful!
781
00:54:26.760 --> 00:54:28.280
Thank you!
782
00:54:28.960 --> 00:54:30.000
Thank you!