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Downloaded from
YTS.MX

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[upbeat music playing]

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Official YIFY movies site:
YTS.MX

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[man] <i>Come on, everybody in the house!</i>

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[crowd cheering]

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-[woman] Woo, babe!
-[cheering continues]

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-[upbeat music continues]
-[crowd continues cheering]

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Hey! Wow!

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[cheering continues]

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Thanks! You're so nice!

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-Damn, there is so many of you.
-[crowd cheers]

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-[crowd cheers]
-[woman laughs] Damn!

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Oh!

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-[crowd cheering]
-We have really been waiting for this.

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[laughter]

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We had to rebook a couple of times.

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[laughter]

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This isn't the smallest venue either.

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Damn, it's nice to be here.
I have been touring this fall.

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I have been to places like Falun,

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[crowd laughter]

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Kristianstad,

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[laughter]

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Boras.

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[laughter]

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Me and Boras aren't the best
of friends, you could say.

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[laughter]

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So it's nice to be back
in Stockholm again. At the Aviici Arena!

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[crowd cheering]

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Wow.

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[whistling, cheering]

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So we had to move
this show quite a few times

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because of the ongoing pandemic.

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Wasn't that great?

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I'm not going to talk about the pandemic
but most things were shut down.

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Restaurants were shut,
stand-up clubs were shut.

37
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So, most things were shut,
apart from Spy Bar…

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[crowd cheering]

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…that kept a little hatch open.

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-[chuckles]
-[crowd laughter]

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And I ran at it…

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[chuckles]

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…so to speak, at full throttle.

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[laughter]

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Drunk as a skunk, I stood there
with a champagne bucket on my head…

46
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[laughter]

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…and someone was filming.

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-[comic music playing]
-[crowd cheering]

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[chuckles]

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[crowd cheering increases]

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[applause]

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It was recorded and spread in the media.

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I became the face of partying
during the pandemic.

54
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[crowd laughter]

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I was the only one who got shit for it.
No one else got shit.

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My agent calls me.
"Don't bring it up in the podcast."

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So, I bring it up in the podcast.

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-[chuckles]
-[crowd cheering]

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You know that famous press conference
that Stefan Lofven held,

60
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the "No More Partying" press conference?

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[crowd chuckling]

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It's about me.

63
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[crowd laughter]

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Just say my fucking name,
Stefan, seriously.

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[crowd laughs, cheers]

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That's not how you want
your prime minister to see you.

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You'd like him to see you winning the
UN Peace Prize or some shit like that.

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No, he sees me throwing all caution
to the wind in the middle of a pandemic.

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So, my only hobby,
which was partying, went up in smoke.

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I didn't know what to do.

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So, I had to get a new hobby.
What do you do? What now?

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People got new hobbies
during the pandemic.

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People have started playing Padel…

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[crowd cheers]

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…and having kids and stuff like that.

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[crowd laughter]

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I thought, "What the hell
should I do? What now?"

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I ended up standing on a stage…

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wearing a dragon costume.

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[crowd cheering loudly]

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[applause]

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I don't deserve any applause, I must say.

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For those of you
who don't know what I'm talking about,

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I hope there are some,

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I was in "Masked Singer Season One."

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[crowd cheering]

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Wow, thanks.

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[crowd cheers]

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Absolutely the worst thing
I've done in my entire life.

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I never agreed to do it.

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I met the producer the other week.
She said, "I don't recall you saying yes."

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-[screaming] "No!"
-[crowd laughter]

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"Because I fucking didn't!
Suddenly, I was just there."

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[crowd chuckling]

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It's the worst thing I've ever done.

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But I've never felt as skinny
as when people thought I was Anja Parson.

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[crowd cheering, applause]

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"Fuck yeah!" I took a look in the mirror…

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I mean… "Okay. I've lost some weight."

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[crowd chuckles]

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Thinking that I'm Anja Parson

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is like thinking that
Leif GW Persson will not ever get tired.

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[crowd laughter]

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It's never going to happen.

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Poor Anja.

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She got a comment on Instagram,

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"Wow, you're the dragon
in 'Masked Singer'."

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There's a fucking <i>heffalump</i> on stage.

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[crowd laughter]

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To think that I am Anja Parsson…

111
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I'm serious. It's like saying
your best quality is being kind.

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She feels horrible about this.
It was on YouTube so…

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[crowd laughter]

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It was completely horrible.
Worst thing ever.

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But I think I did it because
I had a bit of an identity crisis.

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I'll tell you why.
I think I've been kidnapped.

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[few voices laugh]

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Strange reaction. [chuckles]

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[crowd laughter warms up]

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I think my parents kidnapped me.
I'll tell you why.

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A few years ago, a friend of
mine had been prescribed a new medication

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and wanted to check her medical records.

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I was in hospital as a kid. I'm allergic
to different things and I take medication.

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The thing is, I know
there's stuff about me in the records.

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I know there's stuff there. So, I thought
I'd have a look, just for fun.

126
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I logged into the online healthcare
platform. There's nothing there.

127
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Not one single fucking record.
I immediately got suspicious.

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I called my mom. I'll give that
old hag a piece of my mind, I thought.

129
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[crowd laughter]

130
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So I called her. She says, "Hi, darling,
how are you?" I was like, "Huh!

131
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"Well, hello…

132
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[crowd laughter]

133
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[with attitude] …Anette."

134
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[crowd laughter]

135
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"Hope all is good with you."

136
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"Just one little question…"

137
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"My medical records.
Let's talk about them. Where are they?"

138
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My mom works in healthcare,

139
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so she said, "You have to request
your medical records."

140
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So, I believed her.
I called the healthcare advice line.

141
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I spoke to this
super nice woman, Birgitta.

142
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We clicked immediately. It was incredible.

143
00:06:49,240 --> 00:06:51,440
Finally, I said, "Hey, Birgitta…

144
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Don't you think I should just…
get those records?"

145
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She said, "Of course you
should have your medical records."

146
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So I gave her
my personal identification number,

147
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but suddenly it went quiet.

148
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I said, "Hello? Birgitta?
Are you still there?"

149
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Then she said to me, "Johanna, I'm sorry,
but you don't have any records."

150
00:07:18,120 --> 00:07:20,280
[crowd chuckling]

151
00:07:20,920 --> 00:07:22,200
Um…

152
00:07:22,280 --> 00:07:25,400
"Come on, darling Birgitta…"

153
00:07:25,480 --> 00:07:29,480
"Call Lena at the hospital in Vasteras.
I've been in hospital, I'm sure."

154
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She said, "I'm sorry.
There's nothing I can do."

155
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She hangs up.

156
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This is when I start working
for the Security Service.

157
00:07:36,080 --> 00:07:37,160
[crowd laughter]

158
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I start an investigation.

159
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I start calling up friends and family.
I called my grandma.

160
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"Don't you remember
when I was in hospital?"

161
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She was like, "No, Johanna.
You've never been in hospital."

162
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I'm sorry, but that little bitch…

163
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[crowd laughter]

164
00:07:52,520 --> 00:07:55,400
…remembers when my sister
got a tetanus shot,

165
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but when I'm in hospital
for three days she gets Alzheimer's.

166
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I called my dad. "You remember
when I was in hospital, right?"

167
00:08:03,520 --> 00:08:06,240
"Johanna, you've dreamed this.
It never happened."

168
00:08:07,280 --> 00:08:09,080
[crowd chuckles]

169
00:08:09,160 --> 00:08:11,320
"It did. You gave me candy.

170
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I hope it was you,
otherwise it was some other old fucker."

171
00:08:16,480 --> 00:08:20,880
Suddenly, I got a text from my uncle.
"Stop digging around in this, Johanna."

172
00:08:20,960 --> 00:08:22,880
[crowd laughter]

173
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I'm quite sure
I'll keep digging, just so you know.

174
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[crowd laughter]

175
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The thing is,
I've been in hospital my whole life.

176
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No, of course not my whole life
but many times.

177
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I am in the hospital right now actually,
I have to get back right after the show.

178
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[crowd laughter]

179
00:08:42,919 --> 00:08:44,600
I have an infusion drip backstage.

180
00:08:44,679 --> 00:08:45,640
[crowd chuckles]

181
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I've been in hospital many times.

182
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I've been allergic
to tomatoes my entire life.

183
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But no one has ever wanted to
talk about that at home. Never.

184
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I'd ask my parents, "When did I
become allergic to tomatoes?"

185
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They'll say, "Well…"
[mimics parents mumbling]

186
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Totally psychotic.

187
00:09:06,120 --> 00:09:08,440
But I remember going
on vacation to Portugal.

188
00:09:08,520 --> 00:09:10,560
I had tomatoes there.

189
00:09:10,640 --> 00:09:13,440
Big Portuguese tomatoes,
tomato soup, ketchup…

190
00:09:13,520 --> 00:09:17,120
I remember it so damn well.
But after that trip, it just goes black.

191
00:09:17,200 --> 00:09:18,600
[crowd chuckles]

192
00:09:18,680 --> 00:09:20,080
On the tomato front.

193
00:09:20,160 --> 00:09:21,680
[crowd chuckling]

194
00:09:21,760 --> 00:09:23,520
Which means…

195
00:09:24,400 --> 00:09:25,680
that before you…

196
00:09:26,520 --> 00:09:27,800
stands…

197
00:09:28,480 --> 00:09:29,840
Madeleine McCann.

198
00:09:29,920 --> 00:09:32,800
[crowd laughter, cheering, applause]

199
00:09:34,080 --> 00:09:36,000
I am Madeleine McCann!

200
00:09:36,080 --> 00:09:37,960
-I think I look like her.
-[crowd laughs]

201
00:09:38,880 --> 00:09:43,000
I have stood in front of a mirror
making the same face.

202
00:09:43,080 --> 00:09:44,440
[crowd laughs loudly]

203
00:09:44,520 --> 00:09:47,400
[Johanna] Oh, boy! Oh, boy!

204
00:09:50,080 --> 00:09:52,520
Ow, ow, ow!

205
00:09:54,120 --> 00:09:56,560
[screaming] It's me goddamnit!

206
00:09:56,640 --> 00:10:01,880
I've been saying it since last fall
but the police haven't taken me in.

207
00:10:01,960 --> 00:10:03,760
I can see
there is something wrong with me.

208
00:10:03,840 --> 00:10:06,000
Something's wrong but I don't know what.

209
00:10:06,080 --> 00:10:09,320
I know what's wrong. I've got a mirror,
don't worry about that. [chuckles]

210
00:10:09,400 --> 00:10:11,320
But I've always… I was a strange kid.

211
00:10:11,400 --> 00:10:14,800
The only thing I ever wanted
was pet fish. That was all.

212
00:10:14,880 --> 00:10:17,880
That was the only thing.
It's worse than stick insects.

213
00:10:17,960 --> 00:10:19,320
[crowd chuckles]

214
00:10:19,400 --> 00:10:22,880
Who wants that?
But I got three fish. I was so happy.

215
00:10:22,960 --> 00:10:26,880
I gave them names and everything.

216
00:10:27,920 --> 00:10:32,600
I bragged about them in school.
I'd come into class and say…

217
00:10:34,440 --> 00:10:35,520
"I've got pet fish."

218
00:10:35,600 --> 00:10:37,160
[crowd chuckling]

219
00:10:37,240 --> 00:10:39,480
"And we have dignity. Get lost."

220
00:10:39,560 --> 00:10:41,120
[crowd laughter]

221
00:10:41,200 --> 00:10:45,040
When I got home from school,
my three pet fish were on the floor.

222
00:10:45,880 --> 00:10:47,640
They had jumped out of the fish tank.

223
00:10:47,720 --> 00:10:49,320
[crowd laughter]

224
00:10:50,200 --> 00:10:53,960
But moms do as moms do… I mean, "Mom."

225
00:10:54,040 --> 00:10:56,120
[crowd laughter]

226
00:10:56,200 --> 00:10:59,600
We went and bought three new pet fish.
"Who cares about those fish?"

227
00:10:59,680 --> 00:11:02,680
I'm so happy. I brag in school.

228
00:11:02,760 --> 00:11:06,720
Someone throws rocks at me,
I can't remember.

229
00:11:06,800 --> 00:11:07,800
I get home from school.

230
00:11:07,880 --> 00:11:11,240
Same thing again.
My three new fish are on the floor.

231
00:11:12,000 --> 00:11:14,240
Six pet fish committed suicide.

232
00:11:14,320 --> 00:11:15,680
[crowd chuckles]

233
00:11:15,760 --> 00:11:17,000
Murders and psychopaths,

234
00:11:17,080 --> 00:11:19,640
we know they systematically
torture animals as kids

235
00:11:19,720 --> 00:11:21,520
and make them want to die.

236
00:11:21,600 --> 00:11:24,520
So, I've been standing outside
the Hinseberg Prison for Women, shouting,

237
00:11:24,600 --> 00:11:26,360
[screaming] "Let me in!"

238
00:11:27,320 --> 00:11:29,040
"I am one of you."

239
00:11:29,120 --> 00:11:31,000
[crowd chuckling]

240
00:11:31,080 --> 00:11:34,360
I think I'm the next
Arboga woman. Seriously.

241
00:11:35,440 --> 00:11:39,080
The thing is, a friend of me
got a fish for his 18th birthday.

242
00:11:39,760 --> 00:11:41,160
He wasn't very popular.

243
00:11:41,240 --> 00:11:42,920
[crowd chuckles]

244
00:11:44,880 --> 00:11:47,880
He's not from Stockholm,
so, he was going to visit his parents.

245
00:11:47,960 --> 00:11:50,880
He asked me, "Johanna, could you please…

246
00:11:51,840 --> 00:11:53,040
…be my fish sitter?"

247
00:11:53,120 --> 00:11:54,880
-[inhales]
-[crowd laughter]

248
00:11:54,960 --> 00:11:57,400
He had no idea about my fish problems.

249
00:11:57,480 --> 00:11:59,400
No idea. I wasn't going to tell him.

250
00:11:59,480 --> 00:12:02,560
Fuck no.
And really, it's not such a hard task.

251
00:12:02,640 --> 00:12:05,320
"You just have to feed it.
You don't need to be there."

252
00:12:05,400 --> 00:12:06,800
"Trust me, I'll be there."

253
00:12:06,880 --> 00:12:08,960
[crowd laughter]

254
00:12:09,040 --> 00:12:11,880
So, I take sick leave for a week.

255
00:12:12,920 --> 00:12:16,880
I sit there and watch the fish…
I sit there and talk to the fish.

256
00:12:16,960 --> 00:12:20,400
"Please don't jump,
please don't jump, please…"

257
00:12:22,280 --> 00:12:25,760
But the fish survived.
It was the happiest day of my life.

258
00:12:25,840 --> 00:12:26,920
I called my mom.

259
00:12:27,000 --> 00:12:29,320
-[crowd cheering]
-Oh, thank you.

260
00:12:29,400 --> 00:12:30,400
Wow!

261
00:12:31,320 --> 00:12:34,440
You set the bar pretty low for applause.

262
00:12:35,320 --> 00:12:36,840
You don't give me much credit, do you?

263
00:12:37,560 --> 00:12:40,480
I called my mom and said,
"Mom, the fish survived."

264
00:12:40,560 --> 00:12:44,400
"Maybe there's nothing wrong with me.
It's doing great."

265
00:12:44,480 --> 00:12:48,480
My mom said to me, "That's great to hear."

266
00:12:49,320 --> 00:12:51,920
"But there's just one little thing
that I need to tell you."

267
00:12:53,360 --> 00:12:55,040
So, my mom told me,

268
00:12:55,120 --> 00:12:57,280
"Your pet fish…
They didn't commit suicide."

269
00:12:58,520 --> 00:12:59,680
"It was the cat."

270
00:12:59,760 --> 00:13:03,720
"So, you thought it was better to say it
was suicide than to say it was the cat.

271
00:13:03,800 --> 00:13:06,680
Are you stupid?"
After that I hate all cats.

272
00:13:06,760 --> 00:13:10,360
"No wonder the Palme murder
is unsolved with people like you.

273
00:13:10,440 --> 00:13:12,880
It was the fucking cat."

274
00:13:12,960 --> 00:13:15,440
[crowd cheering]

275
00:13:19,480 --> 00:13:21,120
I'm starting to sound crazy.

276
00:13:21,200 --> 00:13:26,200
Either I'll end up behind bars
or as a police officer.

277
00:13:26,280 --> 00:13:29,760
Those are my options.

278
00:13:29,840 --> 00:13:34,200
The Conservatives want
3,000 more police officers.

279
00:13:34,280 --> 00:13:39,680
Oh no. We need 3,000 new police officers.
Out with the old, in with the new.

280
00:13:39,760 --> 00:13:42,000
Have you seen the police officers we have?

281
00:13:42,080 --> 00:13:45,360
We have police officers who are on TikTok.

282
00:13:47,080 --> 00:13:49,000
[crowd laughing, cheering]

283
00:13:49,080 --> 00:13:51,680
[comic music plays]

284
00:14:00,120 --> 00:14:02,200
This man roams our streets freely.

285
00:14:02,280 --> 00:14:04,200
[crowd laughing, cheers]

286
00:14:04,280 --> 00:14:07,400
When I first saw this,
I was clinically dead.

287
00:14:07,480 --> 00:14:11,800
But I thought, "It's just one video.
He was on break and he was bored."

288
00:14:12,560 --> 00:14:13,800
No, there's more.

289
00:14:15,800 --> 00:14:17,640
-[dramatic music plays]
-[crowd laughing]

290
00:14:23,120 --> 00:14:25,360
Look at that face.

291
00:14:25,440 --> 00:14:26,520
[crowd laughter]

292
00:14:26,600 --> 00:14:28,120
How is he?

293
00:14:28,920 --> 00:14:32,800
I'd rather have "Captain Skirt"
come save me than this fucking idiot.

294
00:14:32,880 --> 00:14:35,440
[crowd cheering, applause]

295
00:14:38,360 --> 00:14:40,600
Imagine calling the police,
and then this guy turns up.

296
00:14:40,680 --> 00:14:42,160
[crowd laughter]

297
00:14:42,240 --> 00:14:44,240
"I just need to make a TikTok first."

298
00:14:44,320 --> 00:14:45,280
[crowd laughter]

299
00:14:45,360 --> 00:14:48,240
"Savage Love" the guy to death. Perfect.

300
00:14:50,760 --> 00:14:54,800
I love crime shows.
I like "Beck." Do you like "Beck"?

301
00:14:54,880 --> 00:14:57,080
-[loud crowd cheering]
-Okay!

302
00:14:58,840 --> 00:15:00,800
Yeah, I love "Beck."
I watched it as a kid.

303
00:15:00,880 --> 00:15:02,680
So, I love "Beck."
I used to watch it with my dad.

304
00:15:02,760 --> 00:15:04,680
It wasn't as if
he put it on when I was two,

305
00:15:04,760 --> 00:15:06,680
"Beck - The Girl in the Root Cellar."

306
00:15:06,760 --> 00:15:08,400
[crowd laughter]

307
00:15:08,480 --> 00:15:10,760
"Gunvald would be nice to fuck."

308
00:15:10,840 --> 00:15:12,200
[crowd laughter]

309
00:15:12,280 --> 00:15:15,080
I don't know what my real parents
have showed me. But…

310
00:15:15,160 --> 00:15:16,520
[crowd laughter]

311
00:15:17,240 --> 00:15:21,600
All my friends watched Disney
and shit like that. Not me.

312
00:15:21,680 --> 00:15:23,520
I mean, I watched "Ariel".

313
00:15:23,600 --> 00:15:24,840
[crowd cheers]

314
00:15:24,920 --> 00:15:26,400
-I did.
-[crowd cheers, claps]

315
00:15:26,480 --> 00:15:30,360
I mean, I watched "Ariel"
but only because I liked Ursula so much…

316
00:15:30,440 --> 00:15:32,440
-[chuckles]
-[crowd laughter]

317
00:15:32,520 --> 00:15:35,880
She's the only character
who realizes that Ariel is a bitch.

318
00:15:35,960 --> 00:15:37,000
[crowd laughter]

319
00:15:37,080 --> 00:15:39,360
She's got some go in her. For real.

320
00:15:39,440 --> 00:15:40,800
[crowd laughter]

321
00:15:41,400 --> 00:15:43,400
And I love Micke Persbrandt.

322
00:15:43,480 --> 00:15:44,320
[crowd cheering]

323
00:15:44,400 --> 00:15:45,320
-[Johanna] I do.
-[crowd continues cheering]

324
00:15:46,840 --> 00:15:50,520
He's my future husband. He is.

325
00:15:50,600 --> 00:15:52,680
I know that and he knows it too.

326
00:15:52,760 --> 00:15:56,120
I don't talk about
anything else in interviews.

327
00:15:56,200 --> 00:15:57,440
[crowd laughter]

328
00:15:57,520 --> 00:16:00,760
He's got protected identity now,
which is a shame.

329
00:16:00,840 --> 00:16:05,160
And address. So, I can't go there.

330
00:16:05,240 --> 00:16:06,720
I've loved him since I was a kid.

331
00:16:06,800 --> 00:16:11,360
I remember once, in school,
we had to draw our idols.

332
00:16:11,440 --> 00:16:18,080
And my classmates drew people
like Marcoolio or Michael Jackson.

333
00:16:18,160 --> 00:16:19,960
[crowd laughter]

334
00:16:21,080 --> 00:16:23,720
I drew Micke P.

335
00:16:23,800 --> 00:16:26,680
I've never been so thorough
in my entire life.

336
00:16:27,440 --> 00:16:30,200
I've never been so careful.
I sat there drawing carefully.

337
00:16:30,280 --> 00:16:32,880
My teacher walked around
looking at everybody's drawings.

338
00:16:32,960 --> 00:16:34,840
E-Type and stuff like that.

339
00:16:35,880 --> 00:16:37,240
Who the hell would draw E-Type?

340
00:16:37,320 --> 00:16:39,040
-[chuckles]
-[crowd laughter]

341
00:16:39,120 --> 00:16:40,600
Likely idol.

342
00:16:43,160 --> 00:16:47,160
My teacher walked up to me and said…

343
00:16:47,920 --> 00:16:49,080
"Johanna,

344
00:16:50,240 --> 00:16:51,480
what is this?"

345
00:16:52,560 --> 00:16:53,600
I was like…

346
00:16:54,920 --> 00:16:57,080
[crowd laughter]

347
00:16:57,160 --> 00:16:58,480
"It's Micke P."

348
00:16:59,720 --> 00:17:01,320
"Doesn't he look good naked?"

349
00:17:01,400 --> 00:17:03,400
[loud crowd laughter]

350
00:17:06,200 --> 00:17:08,960
-[chuckles]
-[crowd cheering, applause]

351
00:17:11,280 --> 00:17:15,880
It's not normal to draw
Micke Persbrandt naked in second grade.

352
00:17:15,960 --> 00:17:16,800
It's not. I wasn't normal.

353
00:17:16,880 --> 00:17:20,720
I was fucking awful in school.
I was worse than "Hyper-Adam".

354
00:17:20,800 --> 00:17:21,960
[crowd laughter]

355
00:17:22,040 --> 00:17:24,480
We all had
a "Hyper-Adam" in our class. We all did.

356
00:17:25,280 --> 00:17:27,400
I was worse than him. Get it?

357
00:17:27,480 --> 00:17:29,440
I've thought about
all the school subjects.

358
00:17:29,520 --> 00:17:32,599
Like Home Economics.
What the hell was that? Seriously.

359
00:17:33,480 --> 00:17:38,280
You ate. That's all you did.
I had a teacher called Lisbeth.

360
00:17:39,760 --> 00:17:44,080
She wore Birkenstocks,
used the cookbook as an accessory

361
00:17:44,160 --> 00:17:46,120
and ran between the classrooms.

362
00:17:46,200 --> 00:17:47,680
[crowd laughter]

363
00:17:47,760 --> 00:17:51,520
And you could behave so badly in
Home Economics without being told off.

364
00:17:51,600 --> 00:17:54,440
I'd burn the scones. Lisbeth would say,

365
00:17:54,520 --> 00:17:59,160
"Next time, just bake them
for 10 minutes instead of 15."

366
00:17:59,240 --> 00:18:00,800
[crowd laughter]

367
00:18:00,880 --> 00:18:01,880
"Thanks."

368
00:18:01,960 --> 00:18:03,360
[crowd laughter]

369
00:18:03,440 --> 00:18:06,000
I'd break the stove. Lisbeth would say,

370
00:18:06,080 --> 00:18:08,680
"Huh! You'll just have
to call the repairman."

371
00:18:10,120 --> 00:18:13,520
I'd burn down
the whole goddamned classroom.

372
00:18:13,600 --> 00:18:16,440
Lisbeth was excited when the firemen came.

373
00:18:16,520 --> 00:18:17,720
[crowd laughter]

374
00:18:17,800 --> 00:18:21,480
You could behave
so badly without being told off.

375
00:18:22,280 --> 00:18:25,200
But if you washed dishes
under running water…

376
00:18:25,280 --> 00:18:28,120
[crowd laughter, cheers, applause]

377
00:18:33,080 --> 00:18:34,600
…all hell would be let loose!

378
00:18:35,600 --> 00:18:40,760
The social services would be called in
and you'd have to spend Christmas away.

379
00:18:40,840 --> 00:18:42,240
[crowd laughter]

380
00:18:44,040 --> 00:18:47,240
And I think because
I was such a strange kid myself,

381
00:18:47,320 --> 00:18:49,240
to some extent, I hate kids.

382
00:18:50,040 --> 00:18:51,800
I hate kids. Period.

383
00:18:51,880 --> 00:18:56,840
Er… Partly because I was a strange kid,
but also because of my first stand-up gig.

384
00:18:57,720 --> 00:19:01,560
My first stand-up gig was
for the Young Allergics Association.

385
00:19:01,640 --> 00:19:03,680
[crowd laughter]

386
00:19:03,760 --> 00:19:05,800
It's social suicide, for sure.

387
00:19:05,880 --> 00:19:07,280
[crowd laughter]

388
00:19:07,360 --> 00:19:08,880
They were having a conference

389
00:19:08,960 --> 00:19:12,520
and a friend of mine
was asked if he could do stand-up.

390
00:19:12,600 --> 00:19:17,960
"We're having a conference, ages 18 to 35.

391
00:19:18,040 --> 00:19:20,320
We'd love to have someone do stand-up."

392
00:19:20,400 --> 00:19:22,240
They asked him if he could do 40 minutes.

393
00:19:22,320 --> 00:19:24,920
He said, "No, I've never done that."

394
00:19:25,000 --> 00:19:29,240
"But a friend of mine would love to try.
Maybe we could do 20 minutes each."

395
00:19:30,040 --> 00:19:34,040
So, I said yes to this.
May I add that this was in Orebro.

396
00:19:34,680 --> 00:19:36,400
[crowd cheering]

397
00:19:37,040 --> 00:19:38,920
A fucking shithole.

398
00:19:39,000 --> 00:19:40,680
[crowd laughter, applause]

399
00:19:42,000 --> 00:19:46,200
I write 20 minutes of material about

400
00:19:46,280 --> 00:19:50,280
how much I hate people who are allergic.

401
00:19:51,800 --> 00:19:54,480
We go there,
I'm super pleased over my first gig.

402
00:19:54,560 --> 00:19:57,280
As I walk in, I see 30 pairs
of ten-year-old sized shoes.

403
00:19:58,280 --> 00:20:00,840
I see them and think,
"What the hell is going on?"

404
00:20:00,920 --> 00:20:02,920
So, my friend had just done
the Swedish Eurovision contest,

405
00:20:03,000 --> 00:20:04,960
so, when I look up I see all the
ten-year-olds come running at us…

406
00:20:05,040 --> 00:20:07,960
"Move, fatso! What the hell is going on?"

407
00:20:08,040 --> 00:20:09,080
[crowd laughter]

408
00:20:09,160 --> 00:20:10,480
I panic because I've been duped.

409
00:20:10,560 --> 00:20:13,120
We're at a camp
for kids who don't have any friends.

410
00:20:13,680 --> 00:20:17,040
Kids who say, "Are you allergic
to flowers too?" That's where we're at.

411
00:20:17,120 --> 00:20:18,480
[crowd laughter]

412
00:20:18,560 --> 00:20:23,000
I think, "I've written 20 minutes
about how much I hate these kids."

413
00:20:23,760 --> 00:20:27,200
"I can't say this. I just can't."

414
00:20:28,680 --> 00:20:30,240
But I did anyway.

415
00:20:30,320 --> 00:20:32,400
[crowd laughter, cheers]

416
00:20:32,480 --> 00:20:33,520
So, I get up on stage.

417
00:20:33,600 --> 00:20:35,960
The first thing I say is that
I think peanut allergies should die.

418
00:20:36,040 --> 00:20:37,360
[crowd laughter]

419
00:20:37,960 --> 00:20:39,960
Felix on front row starts crying.

420
00:20:40,040 --> 00:20:40,960
[crowd laughter]

421
00:20:41,040 --> 00:20:43,280
Then I say, "You know when you suck cock…"

422
00:20:43,360 --> 00:20:45,120
-[screaming] "No!"
-[crowd laughter]

423
00:20:45,200 --> 00:20:48,000
"They don't, Johanna!
They're ten years old. Are you stupid?"

424
00:20:48,800 --> 00:20:51,520
Also, we had to stay there overnight.

425
00:20:51,600 --> 00:20:52,960
[crowd laughter]

426
00:20:53,040 --> 00:20:56,920
Imagine the atmosphere
over breakfast. It wasn't great.

427
00:20:57,000 --> 00:20:59,640
So, I'm not really fond of kids. Sue me.

428
00:21:02,400 --> 00:21:04,480
Which isn't great,
because my sister has two kids.

429
00:21:06,040 --> 00:21:08,600
I thought one would have been enough.

430
00:21:09,840 --> 00:21:12,480
But she decided to
squeeze another one out.

431
00:21:13,960 --> 00:21:16,280
Saying that, I like the new kid more.

432
00:21:16,360 --> 00:21:17,520
[crowd laughter]

433
00:21:17,600 --> 00:21:20,760
She's six months old.
She doesn't talk. It's brilliant.

434
00:21:20,840 --> 00:21:24,000
The other one is four.
She doesn't get irony at all.

435
00:21:24,680 --> 00:21:26,640
We just stand there looking at each other.

436
00:21:27,520 --> 00:21:31,000
[crowd laughing]

437
00:21:31,080 --> 00:21:32,280
"Move."

438
00:21:33,560 --> 00:21:36,080
My sister was crazy when she was pregnant.

439
00:21:36,160 --> 00:21:39,280
She swallowed all the pregnancy myths.

440
00:21:39,360 --> 00:21:43,240
She'd come to me and say,
"Johanna… Check out my pregnancy glow."

441
00:21:44,680 --> 00:21:46,520
"Yes, you're sweating.

442
00:21:46,600 --> 00:21:47,680
[crowd laughter]

443
00:21:47,760 --> 00:21:50,280
You're dripping, I mean…"

444
00:21:50,920 --> 00:21:54,080
"Look at my hair,
it's so long and thick and shiny."

445
00:21:54,800 --> 00:21:56,360
"It's greasy, Emelie.

446
00:21:56,440 --> 00:21:57,680
[crowd laughter]

447
00:21:57,760 --> 00:22:00,640
You haven't showered for nine months.
What are you saying?"

448
00:22:00,720 --> 00:22:04,160
"Look, my breasts are so big."

449
00:22:04,240 --> 00:22:06,000
"You look like a milk cow."

450
00:22:06,080 --> 00:22:07,880
[crowd laughter]

451
00:22:08,800 --> 00:22:13,040
But now she wants to save the world.
She wants to become the new Greta.

452
00:22:13,680 --> 00:22:17,920
I mean, we all have dreams and goals,
but there has to be some limit.

453
00:22:18,000 --> 00:22:22,160
She's started talking about
joining the donor register.

454
00:22:22,240 --> 00:22:24,160
Are you in the donor register?
Clap your hands.

455
00:22:24,240 --> 00:22:26,520
-[crowd clapping]
-There's a few of you.

456
00:22:28,360 --> 00:22:30,720
I can see you looking away from me now…
I am coming for you.

457
00:22:30,800 --> 00:22:31,760
[crowd laughter]

458
00:22:32,720 --> 00:22:35,480
How old are you… 23?

459
00:22:35,560 --> 00:22:37,400
How long have you been
in the donor register?

460
00:22:38,560 --> 00:22:40,160
Three years. Why did you join?

461
00:22:42,320 --> 00:22:43,400
You don't know?

462
00:22:43,480 --> 00:22:44,400
[crowd laughter]

463
00:22:44,480 --> 00:22:45,400
Perfect.

464
00:22:46,200 --> 00:22:47,240
What did you say?

465
00:22:48,240 --> 00:22:49,600
"You are supposed to."

466
00:22:50,600 --> 00:22:53,600
Is that how you decide on everything?
"You are supposed to."

467
00:22:54,440 --> 00:22:57,520
It's a pretty big decision
to let people carve you up.

468
00:22:57,600 --> 00:22:59,960
Have you been kidnapped too?
It's like we have.

469
00:23:00,040 --> 00:23:01,760
[crowd laughter]

470
00:23:02,680 --> 00:23:03,800
We're alike.

471
00:23:05,640 --> 00:23:08,160
Is it mostly
for the sake of your conscience?

472
00:23:09,280 --> 00:23:12,280
So, what else have you signed up for?

473
00:23:14,240 --> 00:23:17,120
WWF? Do you donate money every month?

474
00:23:18,000 --> 00:23:21,920
No, you don't. [chuckling] I can tell.

475
00:23:22,000 --> 00:23:23,200
[crowd laughter]

476
00:23:23,280 --> 00:23:25,000
To Bianca Ingrosso perhaps.

477
00:23:25,080 --> 00:23:27,080
[jokingly] CAIA?

478
00:23:27,160 --> 00:23:29,360
[crowd laughter]

479
00:23:29,440 --> 00:23:30,720
Incredible. Thanks.

480
00:23:30,800 --> 00:23:32,880
[crowd cheering, applause]

481
00:23:33,960 --> 00:23:37,600
Thanks! Good to have you with us.
I'm not in the donor register.

482
00:23:38,240 --> 00:23:41,960
I'll tell you why
I'm not in the donor register.

483
00:23:42,040 --> 00:23:44,960
Research shows that
the person who receives your organ

484
00:23:45,040 --> 00:23:48,080
might inherit
needs and emotions from the donor.

485
00:23:48,160 --> 00:23:50,520
And I refuse to expose
someone to my organs. Seriously.

486
00:23:50,600 --> 00:23:52,520
[crowd laughter]

487
00:23:52,600 --> 00:23:54,600
Imagine getting my liver.

488
00:23:54,680 --> 00:23:56,160
[crowd laughter]

489
00:23:56,240 --> 00:23:58,360
You'd be screwed from the start.

490
00:23:58,440 --> 00:24:00,840
Take someone else's. Take Jockiboi's.

491
00:24:00,920 --> 00:24:02,480
[louder crowd laughing]

492
00:24:02,560 --> 00:24:05,560
He's got every diagnosis that exists
and drops his baby down the stairs…

493
00:24:05,640 --> 00:24:09,120
[crowd laughter]

494
00:24:09,960 --> 00:24:11,160
[crowd cheers, applause]

495
00:24:16,680 --> 00:24:19,000
He won't be watching
the show today. It's fine.

496
00:24:19,880 --> 00:24:24,600
-He's out chasing ghosts or something.
-[crowd laughter]

497
00:24:27,680 --> 00:24:29,200
I won't expose anyone to my organs.

498
00:24:29,280 --> 00:24:30,680
Partly because I've got
so many weird thoughts.

499
00:24:30,760 --> 00:24:32,280
No one else should have
to think like me. Here's an example:

500
00:24:32,360 --> 00:24:36,040
-Do you like seafood?
-[crowd] Yes!

501
00:24:36,120 --> 00:24:37,520
Of course. I love seafood.

502
00:24:37,600 --> 00:24:41,080
But I think eating seafood
is a bit like having anal sex.

503
00:24:42,960 --> 00:24:43,880
Hello?

504
00:24:43,960 --> 00:24:45,880
[crowd laughter]

505
00:24:45,960 --> 00:24:50,400
I think it's quite a stretch
from idea to action.

506
00:24:50,480 --> 00:24:52,360
A lot of work…

507
00:24:53,960 --> 00:24:56,320
for very little pleasure. I mean…

508
00:24:56,400 --> 00:24:58,840
[crowd laughter]

509
00:24:58,920 --> 00:25:01,680
-[chuckles]
-[crowd cheering, applause]

510
00:25:03,760 --> 00:25:05,560
Only women applauding.

511
00:25:05,640 --> 00:25:06,720
[crowd laughter]

512
00:25:06,800 --> 00:25:09,120
-"Exactly!"
-[crowd laughs]

513
00:25:11,360 --> 00:25:13,360
I'll be standing around
in the evening and just…

514
00:25:15,040 --> 00:25:18,480
"Can I be bothered tonight?
Is it worth it?"

515
00:25:20,120 --> 00:25:22,160
"And your hands smell so bad…"

516
00:25:22,240 --> 00:25:23,480
[crowd laughter]

517
00:25:23,560 --> 00:25:28,040
"You just want a wet wipe.
A lemon-scented wet wipe."

518
00:25:28,120 --> 00:25:30,760
If I could just have a
lemon-scented wet wipe, I'd be up for it.

519
00:25:30,840 --> 00:25:32,080
[crowd laughter]

520
00:25:32,760 --> 00:25:36,800
Other thoughts that no one else should
have, or it would be a danger for society.

521
00:25:36,880 --> 00:25:39,200
People have amazing thoughts, but not me.

522
00:25:39,280 --> 00:25:41,840
My matter of the heart is… the carrot…

523
00:25:42,800 --> 00:25:44,240
inside

524
00:25:44,840 --> 00:25:46,240
the carrot.

525
00:25:46,320 --> 00:25:48,240
-[inhales]
-[crowd laughter]

526
00:25:49,680 --> 00:25:56,040
There is actually
a carrot inside the carrot…

527
00:25:57,520 --> 00:26:00,840
that is so fucking tasty!
It's completely fucking insane.

528
00:26:00,920 --> 00:26:03,640
[crowd cheering, applause]

529
00:26:04,840 --> 00:26:08,440
You take a bite of the carrot,

530
00:26:08,520 --> 00:26:10,760
and there's a tiny little stem.

531
00:26:10,840 --> 00:26:13,600
It's insane.

532
00:26:13,680 --> 00:26:19,720
It's so sweet. It's like a <i>Kinder</i> egg,
for fuck's sake. It's the best concept.

533
00:26:20,440 --> 00:26:24,160
The carrot inside the carrot is a
bit like guys who are circumcised…

534
00:26:24,240 --> 00:26:26,560
[crowd laughter]

535
00:26:26,640 --> 00:26:29,440
-[laughing]
-[louder crowd laughter]

536
00:26:29,520 --> 00:26:32,200
…in that they've removed the bad part

537
00:26:33,160 --> 00:26:34,680
but kept the good part.

538
00:26:34,760 --> 00:26:36,320
[crowd laughter]

539
00:26:36,400 --> 00:26:40,040
When you sleep with someone
who's circumcised, you don't need to…

540
00:26:42,280 --> 00:26:45,840
pull it out, clean it, remove the dirt…

541
00:26:46,880 --> 00:26:50,200
-I mean, you don't need to do that.
-[crowd laughter]

542
00:26:50,280 --> 00:26:51,560
It's the best thing ever.

543
00:26:51,640 --> 00:26:55,160
[crowd cheering]

544
00:26:55,240 --> 00:26:58,640
I can't donate my organs.
I was born in the 90s.

545
00:26:58,720 --> 00:27:00,720
I take it there
are more '90s children here.

546
00:27:00,800 --> 00:27:02,960
-[loud crowd cheering]
-That's right.

547
00:27:05,320 --> 00:27:07,920
We '90s' children, we're so…

548
00:27:10,160 --> 00:27:14,120
the worst… that was put on this planet.

549
00:27:14,200 --> 00:27:17,320
We who were born in the 90s say,
"I've got a French balcony."

550
00:27:18,400 --> 00:27:20,440
And they're like,
"It's a big window. Shut up."

551
00:27:20,520 --> 00:27:21,720
[crowd laughter]

552
00:27:21,800 --> 00:27:25,400
Children of the '90s think Malala is
Simba's mom. That's where we're at.

553
00:27:25,480 --> 00:27:27,160
[crowd laughter]

554
00:27:27,240 --> 00:27:28,640
Children of the '90s' become influencers.

555
00:27:28,720 --> 00:27:30,160
That's what we are.

556
00:27:30,240 --> 00:27:35,000
We have influencers
who call themselves <i>entrepreneurs.</i>

557
00:27:35,840 --> 00:27:36,680
[crowd chuckling]

558
00:27:40,320 --> 00:27:41,520
Let that sink in.

559
00:27:41,600 --> 00:27:42,640
[crowd laughter]

560
00:27:42,720 --> 00:27:46,000
They call themselves entrepreneurs
when they make mobile phone covers

561
00:27:46,080 --> 00:27:47,400
with Ideal of Sweden.

562
00:27:47,480 --> 00:27:48,600
[crowd laughter]

563
00:27:48,680 --> 00:27:50,560
Marble on every single
one of them. Seriously.

564
00:27:51,400 --> 00:27:54,320
What would you rather answer for,
the Palme murder or a marble cover?

565
00:27:54,400 --> 00:27:56,240
[crowd laughter]

566
00:27:56,320 --> 00:27:58,760
To call yourself an entrepreneur
when you make mobile phone covers

567
00:27:58,840 --> 00:28:00,200
with Ideal of Sweden.

568
00:28:00,280 --> 00:28:03,600
It's like saying that someone
works for Foodora works with spinning.

569
00:28:03,680 --> 00:28:05,560
[crowd laughter]

570
00:28:07,880 --> 00:28:10,200
We have such high thoughts of ourselves.

571
00:28:10,280 --> 00:28:13,480
I saw a show called "Catfish."

572
00:28:13,560 --> 00:28:18,440
It's about people who've been
together forever without ever meeting.

573
00:28:18,520 --> 00:28:22,120
There was a '90s' child on the show.
He'd had a girlfriend for ten years.

574
00:28:22,200 --> 00:28:24,560
They were engaged but had never met.

575
00:28:24,640 --> 00:28:28,560
Two guys came to help him find
this person, and get them to meet.

576
00:28:28,640 --> 00:28:32,240
They asked him, "Why haven't you met?"

577
00:28:32,320 --> 00:28:36,280
He was like, "No, she's too busy."

578
00:28:36,360 --> 00:28:37,760
[crowd laughing]

579
00:28:38,520 --> 00:28:40,680
Spontaneous reaction… In ten years?

580
00:28:41,720 --> 00:28:44,680
I'm sure you'd be able
to find a little gap in the schedule?

581
00:28:46,000 --> 00:28:48,840
They were like, "Okay.
But have you spoken over the phone?"

582
00:28:48,920 --> 00:28:51,400
He was like,
"No, but I've heard her voice."

583
00:28:52,600 --> 00:28:54,360
They were like,
"What the hell is going on?"

584
00:28:54,440 --> 00:28:57,000
In the end they say,
"Show us who the girl is."

585
00:28:57,080 --> 00:28:59,080
He says, "You won't believe me."

586
00:29:00,960 --> 00:29:02,560
"It's Katy Perry." "Sure."

587
00:29:02,640 --> 00:29:03,720
[crowd laughter]

588
00:29:03,800 --> 00:29:06,600
Most likely to be with Katy Perry. Not.

589
00:29:06,680 --> 00:29:10,560
We think so much of ourselves. If we're
not influencers we'll do whatever else.

590
00:29:10,640 --> 00:29:12,160
I met a guy at a party,

591
00:29:12,240 --> 00:29:15,360
and somehow
he started talking about himself.

592
00:29:15,440 --> 00:29:18,000
[crowd laughing]

593
00:29:18,080 --> 00:29:20,920
[crowd cheering, applause]

594
00:29:23,400 --> 00:29:25,240
That never happens.

595
00:29:26,160 --> 00:29:29,920
We started talking about work.
I said, "I'm a comedian."

596
00:29:30,000 --> 00:29:32,080
He said, "That's weird."

597
00:29:33,560 --> 00:29:35,680
-I said, "Thanks."
-[crowd chuckling]

598
00:29:35,760 --> 00:29:37,360
So, I asked him what he did.

599
00:29:37,440 --> 00:29:39,360
He said, "I do beatboxing."

600
00:29:39,440 --> 00:29:41,320
[crowd laughter]

601
00:29:42,960 --> 00:29:46,560
"I'm sorry? I didn't mean your hobby.
What do you do for work?"

602
00:29:46,640 --> 00:29:48,920
"Tsk. That is my job."

603
00:29:49,000 --> 00:29:51,280
"Okay, you play drums
with your mouth. That's what you do."

604
00:29:51,360 --> 00:29:52,360
[crowd laughter]

605
00:29:52,440 --> 00:29:56,960
He told me he sees
an <i>air coach</i> once a week.

606
00:29:57,040 --> 00:29:59,000
Because "breathing
is important in the drop."

607
00:30:00,720 --> 00:30:03,080
No one can hear the difference. Seriously.

608
00:30:03,160 --> 00:30:04,920
He wanted to be the best in the world.

609
00:30:05,000 --> 00:30:08,400
There are only two people doing it,
it's not that hard. Go for it.

610
00:30:10,320 --> 00:30:13,240
Then he told me he was releasing a demo.

611
00:30:14,600 --> 00:30:16,000
"Would you like to hear it?"

612
00:30:16,080 --> 00:30:17,600
[crowd laughter]

613
00:30:18,640 --> 00:30:19,840
"Tsk. No."

614
00:30:19,920 --> 00:30:21,080
[crowd laughter]

615
00:30:21,160 --> 00:30:22,080
I didn't say that.

616
00:30:22,160 --> 00:30:27,320
I said, "I haven't got any
headphones. Sorry, dude."

617
00:30:27,920 --> 00:30:30,600
Then he said,
"I can do it live if you want."

618
00:30:30,680 --> 00:30:32,120
[crowd laughter]

619
00:30:33,880 --> 00:30:35,080
Right.

620
00:30:36,080 --> 00:30:37,960
So, for three minutes,

621
00:30:38,560 --> 00:30:41,400
I stood there hoping that
he would have an asthma attack.

622
00:30:41,480 --> 00:30:42,960
[crowd laughter]

623
00:30:43,040 --> 00:30:45,760
How do you groove along to beatboxing?

624
00:30:46,320 --> 00:30:49,200
I stood there thinking, "I'll have
to sway a bit." I swayed a bit.

625
00:30:49,280 --> 00:30:50,560
[crowd laughing]

626
00:30:50,640 --> 00:30:53,040
Then I thought,
"I'll raise an arm." I raised an arm.

627
00:30:53,120 --> 00:30:54,760
[crowd laughter]

628
00:30:54,840 --> 00:30:57,680
I thought, "I'm too quiet."

629
00:30:57,760 --> 00:31:00,280
"I can't do a beat, but I have to do
something." So I started going, "Yeah."

630
00:31:00,360 --> 00:31:01,720
[crowd laughter]

631
00:31:01,800 --> 00:31:02,760
"Uh-huh."

632
00:31:04,080 --> 00:31:05,720
"<i>Skrrt.</i>" Yeah, you know.

633
00:31:05,800 --> 00:31:06,920
[loud crowd laughter]

634
00:31:07,000 --> 00:31:09,280
I've never felt
so white in my entire fucking life.

635
00:31:09,360 --> 00:31:13,800
I've never grooved along to beatboxing.

636
00:31:13,880 --> 00:31:15,960
It's like watching horseback riding.

637
00:31:16,560 --> 00:31:18,560
What the hell are you supposed to say?
"Nice jump." Don't ask me.

638
00:31:18,640 --> 00:31:20,000
[crowd laughter]

639
00:31:20,080 --> 00:31:23,320
It was like a hostage
situation without a gun.

640
00:31:23,400 --> 00:31:26,880
I felt like a cobra coming up
from a bucket. Seriously.

641
00:31:29,040 --> 00:31:32,360
Do you get it? You have a son.

642
00:31:35,200 --> 00:31:38,320
-Hmm. [chuckles]
-[crowd laughing]

643
00:31:38,400 --> 00:31:39,400
One day he comes home, saying,

644
00:31:39,480 --> 00:31:42,680
"Mom, all I want
for my birthday is an <i>air coach."</i>

645
00:31:42,760 --> 00:31:44,360
[crowd laughter]

646
00:31:44,440 --> 00:31:46,400
"Do you know something, David?"

647
00:31:48,040 --> 00:31:50,600
"I'll give you an air rifle
so you can shoot yourself in the head."

648
00:31:50,680 --> 00:31:52,560
[crowd laughter]

649
00:31:52,640 --> 00:31:55,600
-[crowd cheering, applause]
-[chuckling]

650
00:32:00,400 --> 00:32:01,320
Tsk.

651
00:32:01,960 --> 00:32:04,520
[crowd laughter]

652
00:32:05,360 --> 00:32:06,280
But we had sex…

653
00:32:06,880 --> 00:32:08,400
[loud crowd laughter]

654
00:32:08,480 --> 00:32:12,600
…so, you know… Yeah.

655
00:32:12,680 --> 00:32:14,400
[crowd cheering, applause]

656
00:32:14,480 --> 00:32:19,720
Are these curtains red,
would you say? Right…

657
00:32:21,680 --> 00:32:24,560
I'm actually struggling
to look you in the eye.

658
00:32:25,200 --> 00:32:26,800
I'm a bit ashamed.

659
00:32:28,600 --> 00:32:30,480
[crowd laughter]

660
00:32:32,400 --> 00:32:35,720
But it went well. He followed me
all the way home, which was nice.

661
00:32:36,520 --> 00:32:38,720
We went inside and I locked the door.

662
00:32:38,800 --> 00:32:40,680
Tsk. I said, "You're not going anywhere."

663
00:32:40,760 --> 00:32:41,880
[crowd laughter]

664
00:32:41,960 --> 00:32:44,000
"You can beatbox me
to death for all I care."

665
00:32:44,080 --> 00:32:45,520
[crowd laughter]

666
00:32:46,800 --> 00:32:52,200
We were going to have sex
and so, you know, there's the foreplay…

667
00:32:53,880 --> 00:32:55,720
You're supposed to suck cock.

668
00:32:55,800 --> 00:32:57,760
[crowd laughter]

669
00:32:57,840 --> 00:33:01,560
There are things
I enjoy more, just so you know…

670
00:33:01,640 --> 00:33:02,920
[crowd laughter]

671
00:33:03,000 --> 00:33:04,440
…but I'm just human, so I did it.

672
00:33:05,280 --> 00:33:07,680
So, I got down on my knees…

673
00:33:09,360 --> 00:33:11,760
I won't look anyone in the eye now,
just so you know. I just won't.

674
00:33:11,840 --> 00:33:13,720
[crowd laughing]

675
00:33:13,800 --> 00:33:20,360
But I got down on my knees
and started to prepare myself for

676
00:33:20,440 --> 00:33:22,440
throwing up and not being able to breathe…

677
00:33:22,960 --> 00:33:27,560
-[crowd chuckling]
-getting whiplash injury.

678
00:33:27,640 --> 00:33:28,720
[crowd laughter]

679
00:33:28,800 --> 00:33:31,200
I was prepared for it all.

680
00:33:31,720 --> 00:33:33,560
So I sat down and…

681
00:33:35,880 --> 00:33:38,160
-[laughing]
-[crowd laughter]

682
00:33:38,240 --> 00:33:40,680
…"got to work" doesn't sound right.

683
00:33:40,760 --> 00:33:42,400
[crowd laughter]

684
00:33:42,480 --> 00:33:47,000
I got the party started.
That's better. I got the party started.

685
00:33:47,080 --> 00:33:48,160
[crowd laughter]

686
00:33:48,920 --> 00:33:52,040
After a while, I suddenly feel a hand…

687
00:33:54,960 --> 00:33:56,040
…on…

688
00:33:57,280 --> 00:34:01,280
-…you bet, my…
-[crowd laughter]

689
00:34:01,360 --> 00:34:02,240
…head.

690
00:34:02,320 --> 00:34:03,440
[crowd laughter]

691
00:34:03,520 --> 00:34:05,280
And it starts to knead.

692
00:34:05,360 --> 00:34:06,360
[crowd laughter]

693
00:34:06,440 --> 00:34:09,880
I'm going like this and he's going
like this. It's like a fucking tornado.

694
00:34:10,480 --> 00:34:13,320
"What the fuck is going on?"

695
00:34:13,400 --> 00:34:15,120
[crowd laughter]

696
00:34:16,040 --> 00:34:18,639
I didn't dare to say, "Respect my body!"

697
00:34:19,239 --> 00:34:20,840
I thought, "We're having
such a good time down here."

698
00:34:21,719 --> 00:34:25,040
So it just keeps going.
After a while I've got the rhythm down.

699
00:34:25,120 --> 00:34:27,600
Play "La Macarena." Let's fucking roll!

700
00:34:27,679 --> 00:34:29,639
-[chuckles]
-[crowd laughing]

701
00:34:29,719 --> 00:34:32,600
[crowd cheering, applause]

702
00:34:37,159 --> 00:34:42,679
But it made me dizzy, you know.
I was like, "Where have I ended up?"

703
00:34:43,600 --> 00:34:45,800
"Am I with my real parents?"
I was having those kinds of thoughts…

704
00:34:45,880 --> 00:34:47,520
[crowd laughter]

705
00:34:49,080 --> 00:34:53,159
After a while I thought, "I need to
know what's going on down here."

706
00:34:53,239 --> 00:34:57,199
I realized that I was sat down
there with my mouth full…

707
00:34:57,280 --> 00:34:58,719
[crowd laughter]

708
00:34:58,800 --> 00:35:00,159
…getting a hair massage.

709
00:35:00,239 --> 00:35:01,080
[crowd laughter]

710
00:35:02,640 --> 00:35:03,880
We're not in a fucking spa.

711
00:35:04,840 --> 00:35:06,640
If I had jerked him off with my right hand

712
00:35:06,720 --> 00:35:08,120
my left hand would have
gotten a hand massage.

713
00:35:08,200 --> 00:35:09,560
[crowd laughter]

714
00:35:09,640 --> 00:35:11,960
If it was the "69,"
"Could I have some foot massage, please."

715
00:35:12,040 --> 00:35:13,680
[crowd laughter]

716
00:35:17,000 --> 00:35:19,880
This has marked me for life.

717
00:35:21,320 --> 00:35:23,960
So, now when I go to the hairdresser
and they start shampooing my hair…

718
00:35:24,040 --> 00:35:26,160
[crowd laughter]

719
00:35:33,360 --> 00:35:36,800
Afterwards, I found out that
I had either chlamydia or a UTI.

720
00:35:36,880 --> 00:35:38,240
[crowd chuckling]

721
00:35:38,320 --> 00:35:39,960
As it turned out, I had both.

722
00:35:40,040 --> 00:35:41,240
[crowd laughter]

723
00:35:41,320 --> 00:35:44,760
I had to order a chlamydia test
because I refuse to see a gynecologist.

724
00:35:44,840 --> 00:35:49,120
I won't look her in the eye
and tell her I've been partying. I refuse.

725
00:35:49,840 --> 00:35:53,040
So, I ordered a chlamydia test
and received it in a plain white envelope.

726
00:35:53,120 --> 00:35:55,520
One chlamydia test and one condom.

727
00:35:57,400 --> 00:35:58,520
No note.

728
00:35:59,600 --> 00:36:01,280
What a bloody statement.

729
00:36:02,320 --> 00:36:04,200
"Here you are, little hooker."
It's really…

730
00:36:04,280 --> 00:36:05,840
[crowd laughter]

731
00:36:07,400 --> 00:36:10,520
But stupid as I am,
I spilled the contents of the test tube.

732
00:36:10,600 --> 00:36:12,680
So, I couldn't finish the test.
I had to order a new one.

733
00:36:12,760 --> 00:36:18,680
Same thing again… a plain white envelope,
one chlamydia test and three condoms.

734
00:36:18,760 --> 00:36:20,160
[crowd laughter]

735
00:36:20,240 --> 00:36:22,680
Can you imagine how they must
have fucking talked? Seriously.

736
00:36:24,200 --> 00:36:26,200
Next time I'll get a dildo.

737
00:36:26,280 --> 00:36:27,120
[crowd laughter]

738
00:36:27,200 --> 00:36:29,240
With a note, "Stop sleeping around."

739
00:36:30,320 --> 00:36:35,520
It's like selling Christmas magazines.
The more you sell, the better the rewards.

740
00:36:35,600 --> 00:36:36,840
-Ah.
-[crowd chuckling]

741
00:36:36,920 --> 00:36:41,400
Next time I will get a
"Satisfy Pro." It will be great.

742
00:36:41,480 --> 00:36:43,200
[crowd cheers]

743
00:36:45,640 --> 00:36:47,200
The timing wasn't great.

744
00:36:47,280 --> 00:36:49,840
Of course I don't know if the timing
is ever great to get chlamydia.

745
00:36:50,680 --> 00:36:52,800
It was so annoying because around
that time I was going to Costa Rica

746
00:36:53,800 --> 00:36:55,560
to learn how to surf.

747
00:36:57,720 --> 00:37:00,520
[crowd chuckling]

748
00:37:00,600 --> 00:37:01,440
Mm?

749
00:37:02,400 --> 00:37:04,760
I had been really busy with work,
I was really tired.

750
00:37:04,840 --> 00:37:08,560
I needed to find the calm,
find myself, and so on.

751
00:37:08,640 --> 00:37:11,520
Tsk. It takes 34 hours
to travel to Costa Rica.

752
00:37:11,600 --> 00:37:13,800
The calm was gone already in London.

753
00:37:13,880 --> 00:37:15,160
[crowd chuckling]

754
00:37:15,240 --> 00:37:18,760
When I arrive, the girls
are wearing shorts and tank tops.

755
00:37:18,840 --> 00:37:20,680
They're having muesli for snacks.

756
00:37:21,920 --> 00:37:25,800
"Perfect. I've got two minutes to lose
40 kg. This is going to be wonderful."

757
00:37:25,880 --> 00:37:27,320
[crowd laughter]

758
00:37:30,800 --> 00:37:33,560
The first thing they ask is,
"Have you been surfing before?"

759
00:37:33,640 --> 00:37:36,400
[crowd laughter]

760
00:37:36,480 --> 00:37:39,760
"What the hell do you think?
I look like a bowler. Are you stupid?"

761
00:37:39,840 --> 00:37:41,160
[crowd laughter]

762
00:37:45,480 --> 00:37:48,600
On the first day
we wake up at 5.30a.m. to do yoga.

763
00:37:49,920 --> 00:37:53,280
Yoga for me is sleeping,

764
00:37:53,880 --> 00:37:56,640
lighting a candle and juggling mangoes.

765
00:37:57,560 --> 00:38:00,920
We had to stand in downward dog,
the plank with your bum in the air,

766
00:38:01,000 --> 00:38:03,880
for 45 minutes, and breathe.

767
00:38:04,800 --> 00:38:06,920
I can tell you I was gasping for air.

768
00:38:07,000 --> 00:38:08,280
[crowd laughing]

769
00:38:08,360 --> 00:38:09,920
There was a surf guarantee.

770
00:38:10,000 --> 00:38:13,080
"A 100% chance
that you'll learn how to surf."

771
00:38:13,160 --> 00:38:14,120
written on the website and everything.

772
00:38:14,200 --> 00:38:17,120
"100% chance
that you'll learn how to surf."

773
00:38:17,200 --> 00:38:20,040
Tsk. They've had to change it to 99%.

774
00:38:20,120 --> 00:38:21,560
[crowd laughter]

775
00:38:23,800 --> 00:38:27,120
Surfers are the worst people
I've ever met.

776
00:38:27,200 --> 00:38:31,440
They would get up in the morning…
"Today, I took some green waves."

777
00:38:33,840 --> 00:38:36,240
"And I took ecstasy. Shut up."

778
00:38:36,320 --> 00:38:37,600
[crowd laughter]

779
00:38:38,840 --> 00:38:39,960
It was horrible.

780
00:38:40,040 --> 00:38:42,600
I went there to find myself.
I didn't have a clue where I was.

781
00:38:42,680 --> 00:38:43,520
[crowd chuckles]

782
00:38:43,600 --> 00:38:47,440
When I got home, I was like,
"What do I do now? Read the horoscopes?"

783
00:38:47,520 --> 00:38:51,840
Anyone read the horoscopes in here?
Clap your hands.

784
00:38:51,920 --> 00:38:53,800
-[crowd cheers]
-[clapping]

785
00:38:53,880 --> 00:38:56,680
Yes, 3000 retards.

786
00:38:56,760 --> 00:38:58,640
[crowd laughing]

787
00:38:58,720 --> 00:38:59,920
Thanks for coming.

788
00:39:00,000 --> 00:39:01,280
[crowd laughter]

789
00:39:02,440 --> 00:39:04,680
I read the horoscopes too.

790
00:39:05,560 --> 00:39:08,360
I'm with you, although I'm not sure
you want to be in my category.

791
00:39:09,080 --> 00:39:13,360
I love horoscopes. I love the idea that
something good will happen at some point.

792
00:39:13,440 --> 00:39:14,680
[woman in crowd whoops]

793
00:39:15,440 --> 00:39:17,080
[crowd laughing]

794
00:39:17,160 --> 00:39:19,360
Somebody just got sacked.

795
00:39:20,160 --> 00:39:21,000
[crowd laughter]

796
00:39:23,000 --> 00:39:26,320
I love horoscopes but not
when they're about planets and shit.

797
00:39:26,400 --> 00:39:29,440
I don't care. I want to know,
one, does anyone fancy me?

798
00:39:30,760 --> 00:39:32,800
Two, will I get rich?

799
00:39:32,880 --> 00:39:34,640
Three, will my real parents ever find me?

800
00:39:34,720 --> 00:39:37,720
That's the only thing
I really want to know.

801
00:39:38,440 --> 00:39:40,840
I went to a
fortuneteller a few months ago.

802
00:39:41,880 --> 00:39:44,040
I get there, and the first thing
she tells me is, "Hold on,

803
00:39:46,040 --> 00:39:49,680
I can see…
you sitting in a house, all alone."

804
00:39:51,760 --> 00:39:53,040
"Okay. Wonderful."

805
00:39:53,120 --> 00:39:54,360
[crowd laughter]

806
00:39:54,440 --> 00:39:57,200
"I've paid for an hour.
This is going to be fun."

807
00:39:58,200 --> 00:39:59,600
"No, no. You'll like it."

808
00:39:59,680 --> 00:40:01,360
"I guess I haven't got a
bloody choice, have I?"

809
00:40:01,440 --> 00:40:03,360
[crowd laughter]

810
00:40:03,440 --> 00:40:07,880
Then we got to the fun bit
where I had to ask yes or no questions.

811
00:40:07,960 --> 00:40:12,720
She could talk to the angels,
or whatever she said.

812
00:40:13,720 --> 00:40:14,840
How easy.

813
00:40:14,920 --> 00:40:16,480
[crowd chuckling]

814
00:40:16,560 --> 00:40:19,320
I'm not sure you can make a Wi-Fi call
up there, but if she believes it, sure.

815
00:40:20,200 --> 00:40:23,160
She said, "Ask a yes-or-no
question and I'll answer it."

816
00:40:23,240 --> 00:40:28,720
I took it seriously. "Okay, I'll ask
questions that I really want answered."

817
00:40:28,800 --> 00:40:33,520
So, I said,
"Will I ever be a police officer?"

818
00:40:33,600 --> 00:40:37,720
She got her tarot cards out.
"Oh, are we playing Uno now?"

819
00:40:37,800 --> 00:40:39,600
[crowd laughter]

820
00:40:39,680 --> 00:40:42,600
She said,
"I'm going to lay the cards out."

821
00:40:42,680 --> 00:40:45,920
"If there are 13 cards, that means no."

822
00:40:46,000 --> 00:40:49,040
"Less than 13 cards means yes."

823
00:40:49,120 --> 00:40:52,000
"Okay, whatever. Go ahead. Do your thing."

824
00:40:52,600 --> 00:40:55,920
She lays the cards out and goes, "Hmm."

825
00:40:56,000 --> 00:41:00,320
"Yes. There are 13 cards…"

826
00:41:00,400 --> 00:41:02,360
[crowd laughter]

827
00:41:02,440 --> 00:41:03,640
"…so that means no."

828
00:41:04,320 --> 00:41:07,560
"I saw you counting them! I'm not stupid!"

829
00:41:07,640 --> 00:41:10,120
Then she says to me,
"You're dating the wrong guys."

830
00:41:10,200 --> 00:41:14,800
"Thanks, I know! I dated
a guy who lived in a trailer. Please."

831
00:41:14,880 --> 00:41:16,320
[crowd laughter]

832
00:41:16,400 --> 00:41:20,880
It's true.
I dated a guy who lived in a trailer.

833
00:41:21,520 --> 00:41:25,040
This was when I lived in
Vasteras, my hometown.

834
00:41:25,120 --> 00:41:28,920
I was out in a bar.
He came up to me and said,

835
00:41:29,000 --> 00:41:31,280
"Wanna come back to my place?"

836
00:41:31,360 --> 00:41:34,600
I thought,
"I won't get that question again."

837
00:41:34,680 --> 00:41:36,080
[crowd laughter]

838
00:41:36,160 --> 00:41:38,400
"So, here's me saying yes to life."

839
00:41:38,480 --> 00:41:39,720
[crowd laughter]

840
00:41:39,800 --> 00:41:41,720
So, we get on a bus.

841
00:41:41,800 --> 00:41:44,880
Number 309 towards Hoganas,
never heard of the fucking place.

842
00:41:44,960 --> 00:41:47,360
We travel for 20 minutes,
30 minutes… I say,

843
00:41:47,440 --> 00:41:51,000
"If you invite someone back to
your place, you have to live in the city.

844
00:41:51,920 --> 00:41:55,680
You can't expect me to cross
the border. I refuse to do that."

845
00:41:55,760 --> 00:41:57,280
[crowd laughing]

846
00:41:57,360 --> 00:42:00,360
So, we're on the bus. After 45 minutes,
we reach a dirt road. It's dark.

847
00:42:00,440 --> 00:42:02,040
He says, "We're getting off here."

848
00:42:05,200 --> 00:42:06,520
"Are you sure?"

849
00:42:07,840 --> 00:42:09,160
"Yes. Get off."

850
00:42:09,240 --> 00:42:12,560
"Okay, great. I'm going to be
kidnapped again. How wonderful."

851
00:42:12,640 --> 00:42:14,160
[crowd laughter]

852
00:42:14,240 --> 00:42:16,760
-[man in crowd] l love you!
-Thanks.

853
00:42:16,840 --> 00:42:18,200
That's probably him.

854
00:42:18,280 --> 00:42:19,680
[crowd laughing, applause]

855
00:42:20,760 --> 00:42:21,760
Thank you for coming.

856
00:42:21,840 --> 00:42:24,760
[crowd cheering, applause]

857
00:42:26,360 --> 00:42:28,920
So, we get off the bus.
I realize there's no point

858
00:42:29,000 --> 00:42:34,040
even trying to run away from him.

859
00:42:34,120 --> 00:42:35,800
Do you know how fast I run?

860
00:42:35,880 --> 00:42:36,880
[crowd laughter]

861
00:42:36,960 --> 00:42:39,120
A trot is my fastest pace. Seriously.

862
00:42:40,320 --> 00:42:41,920
It's pitch-black. We can't see anything.

863
00:42:42,000 --> 00:42:44,960
He gets a flashlight
out of his coat pocket.

864
00:42:46,400 --> 00:42:48,400
He brought a flashlight to the bar!

865
00:42:48,480 --> 00:42:50,000
[crowd laughing]

866
00:42:50,080 --> 00:42:52,320
Sends off a red flag, if anything.

867
00:42:53,200 --> 00:42:56,360
There we are like two blind people.
"What's going on?"

868
00:42:58,120 --> 00:43:00,160
We get to the trailer park.

869
00:43:00,240 --> 00:43:01,400
He says, "This is where I live."

870
00:43:03,840 --> 00:43:04,720
Okay…

871
00:43:05,320 --> 00:43:07,160
"Maybe you could have said that before."

872
00:43:07,240 --> 00:43:09,040
[crowd laughter]

873
00:43:10,520 --> 00:43:13,040
But we continued
seeing each other, weirdly enough.

874
00:43:13,120 --> 00:43:15,760
But it was a bit hard
telling my parents where he lived.

875
00:43:15,840 --> 00:43:18,600
There was something about it…
"I can't tell them, not yet."

876
00:43:18,680 --> 00:43:22,360
One night, my parents
asked me what I was doing.

877
00:43:22,440 --> 00:43:24,880
I said, "I'm going to Felix' place."

878
00:43:24,960 --> 00:43:28,440
"Felix, he lives
in the countryside, right?"

879
00:43:31,320 --> 00:43:34,200
"Sort of. It's a bit further out."

880
00:43:34,280 --> 00:43:35,480
"Do you want a ride?"

881
00:43:35,560 --> 00:43:39,360
"Hell, no! I'll take
the bus towards Hoganas."

882
00:43:40,400 --> 00:43:43,280
"I'm fine."
"Does he live in a villa, or…?"

883
00:43:45,520 --> 00:43:49,680
"Well, it's not really a villa…
There's only one floor."

884
00:43:50,560 --> 00:43:55,040
"Okay, a bungalow?"
"Well, I wouldn't say that…"

885
00:43:55,120 --> 00:43:56,360
[crowd chuckles]

886
00:43:56,440 --> 00:43:57,880
"Okay, a row house?"

887
00:43:59,160 --> 00:44:00,920
"There are definitely houses in
a row, you could say that."

888
00:44:01,000 --> 00:44:02,000
[crowd laughter]

889
00:44:02,080 --> 00:44:04,840
"So, it's an apartment? Come on, what…?"

890
00:44:05,360 --> 00:44:07,560
"It's an apartment on wheels,
what can I say?"

891
00:44:07,640 --> 00:44:08,560
[crowd laughter]

892
00:44:08,640 --> 00:44:12,040
"You're dating a homeless person.
Well done. Congratulations."

893
00:44:14,160 --> 00:44:19,440
This guy had so many red flags.
He also loved rosehip soup.

894
00:44:19,520 --> 00:44:21,080
[crowd laughing]

895
00:44:21,160 --> 00:44:23,200
Why not break up at that point? Seriously.

896
00:44:23,280 --> 00:44:24,520
[crowd chuckling]

897
00:44:25,720 --> 00:44:28,120
One evening, I was going
to his place and he wrote to me,

898
00:44:28,200 --> 00:44:30,200
"Johanna, could you…"

899
00:44:30,280 --> 00:44:31,120
[exhales]

900
00:44:32,160 --> 00:44:33,520
"…please buy some
rosehip soup on the way?"

901
00:44:33,600 --> 00:44:35,120
[crowd laughter]

902
00:44:36,200 --> 00:44:38,080
"Of course my guy
is getting rosehip soup!"

903
00:44:38,160 --> 00:44:39,600
[crowd laughter]

904
00:44:39,680 --> 00:44:42,560
I don't usually go to actual food
stores unless I know where things are

905
00:44:42,640 --> 00:44:45,560
because I can't find things.

906
00:44:45,640 --> 00:44:48,880
The people working there are really
engaged in us, who just want to shop.

907
00:44:48,960 --> 00:44:50,280
But this was with such short notice

908
00:44:50,360 --> 00:44:52,680
that I'm going in and
I don't know where the soup is.

909
00:44:52,760 --> 00:44:55,640
I haven't a fucking clue.
Is it hot or cold?

910
00:44:56,200 --> 00:44:58,400
Is it with dairy, or jelly?

911
00:44:58,480 --> 00:45:02,240
I search like crazy, but I can't find it.
Okay, I'll just have to ask.

912
00:45:02,320 --> 00:45:03,760
I just have to ask.

913
00:45:03,840 --> 00:45:06,920
I see a girl working in the store.

914
00:45:07,000 --> 00:45:10,680
I go up to her and say,
"Why, hello there."

915
00:45:10,760 --> 00:45:15,440
I definitely didn't say that.
Why would I say that?

916
00:45:16,240 --> 00:45:20,240
I guess I said… "Hello." "Hi."

917
00:45:20,320 --> 00:45:22,720
[crowd laughter]

918
00:45:23,800 --> 00:45:25,960
And she said, "Hello." [chuckles]

919
00:45:26,040 --> 00:45:27,960
[crowd laughing]

920
00:45:28,040 --> 00:45:30,000
The conversation
definitely wasn't this long.

921
00:45:30,080 --> 00:45:32,000
[crowd laughter]

922
00:45:32,080 --> 00:45:34,320
I said, "May I ask you a question?"

923
00:45:34,400 --> 00:45:36,160
-[chuckles]
-[crowd laughing]

924
00:45:36,240 --> 00:45:39,120
She said,
"Yes of course, ask me anything."

925
00:45:39,200 --> 00:45:40,720
[crowd laughter]

926
00:45:41,480 --> 00:45:42,600
Finally I said, "I was meaning to ask…"

927
00:45:44,080 --> 00:45:44,920
[inhales]

928
00:45:45,000 --> 00:45:47,640
"The rosehip soup, where is it?
You don't need to follow me!"

929
00:45:47,720 --> 00:45:50,200
And she… [in energetic voice]
"Right! Let's go to the rosehip soup!"

930
00:45:50,280 --> 00:45:51,200
[crowd laughing]

931
00:45:51,280 --> 00:45:55,000
It's a walk of shame in the store.

932
00:45:55,080 --> 00:45:58,440
"Why are you doing this?"
They want to take me to Narnia.

933
00:45:58,520 --> 00:46:02,320
Are you stupid? Just tell me
which aisle it is! It's such a brag.

934
00:46:06,200 --> 00:46:07,800
And I also hate going to Systembolaget.

935
00:46:07,880 --> 00:46:11,720
It's horrible. I just want the booze
to come to me. That's all I want.

936
00:46:11,800 --> 00:46:13,520
[crowd chuckling]

937
00:46:14,960 --> 00:46:18,680
But I was going to a dinner,
probably with this bloody trailer guy.

938
00:46:19,280 --> 00:46:23,560
[exhales] And when you turn 20,

939
00:46:23,640 --> 00:46:27,160
[exhales] you need to bring
flowers or wine or some crap like that.

940
00:46:27,240 --> 00:46:31,280
I don't know anything about wine,
but okay, I'll buy some.

941
00:46:31,360 --> 00:46:35,320
I go to the wine shelf. I look at
all the red wines and check the labels,

942
00:46:35,400 --> 00:46:38,120
and which bottle is the most
expensive. That's all I'm checking.

943
00:46:38,720 --> 00:46:40,440
I'm looking at a bottle of wine
and a lady comes up beside me.

944
00:46:40,520 --> 00:46:44,160
She's like…
"Hmm. I was just looking at that wine."

945
00:46:46,200 --> 00:46:49,880
[crowd chuckles]

946
00:46:51,880 --> 00:46:52,960
"Okay…"

947
00:46:54,880 --> 00:46:58,240
"Do you know if it goes well with meat?"

948
00:47:00,600 --> 00:47:03,400
I have no clue. I drink
Red Bull and Vodka on the weekends.

949
00:47:03,480 --> 00:47:04,760
[crowd laughter]

950
00:47:04,840 --> 00:47:08,520
It's like Penny Parnevik
asking her parents about birth control.

951
00:47:08,600 --> 00:47:11,920
-[crowd laughing]
-She's got fifteen million siblings.

952
00:47:16,440 --> 00:47:20,280
I was single for quite a while.

953
00:47:20,360 --> 00:47:26,600
Now, I've luckily
found myself a guy, incredibly.

954
00:47:26,680 --> 00:47:28,600
-[crowd cheering]
-Oh, thank you.

955
00:47:28,680 --> 00:47:31,280
[crowd cheers, applause]

956
00:47:34,360 --> 00:47:36,560
He is gonna leave me soon but that's okay.

957
00:47:36,640 --> 00:47:38,280
[crowd laughter]

958
00:47:39,040 --> 00:47:40,360
I'll stay put.

959
00:47:41,040 --> 00:47:44,760
I was single for a very long time.

960
00:47:44,840 --> 00:47:49,160
I am really bad at dating.
Do you have Tinder?

961
00:47:49,240 --> 00:47:54,600
-[crowd cheers]
-Not so many out of ten thousand.

962
00:47:54,680 --> 00:47:55,960
[crowd chuckling]

963
00:47:56,040 --> 00:47:59,440
If I find out later you have Tinder,
I'll kill every single one of you.

964
00:47:59,520 --> 00:48:01,920
[crowd laughter]

965
00:48:02,000 --> 00:48:06,200
No one wants to admit it, and what I'm
about to admit suddenly feels a lot worse.

966
00:48:07,920 --> 00:48:10,200
[exhales] I had Tinder <i>Gold.</i>

967
00:48:10,280 --> 00:48:12,440
[crowd laughing]

968
00:48:12,520 --> 00:48:14,200
That was a sneer. I heard that.

969
00:48:14,280 --> 00:48:16,080
[crowd laughter]

970
00:48:16,160 --> 00:48:21,400
Tinder Gold lets you see who's liked you,

971
00:48:21,480 --> 00:48:23,840
letting you choose. And you can go abroad.

972
00:48:24,760 --> 00:48:28,800
In the app, not escorts.

973
00:48:28,880 --> 00:48:30,440
[crowd laughter]

974
00:48:31,480 --> 00:48:33,600
Tinder Gold costs 200 kronor a month.

975
00:48:34,240 --> 00:48:35,680
It costs more than electricity.

976
00:48:35,760 --> 00:48:37,160
[crowd laughter]

977
00:48:37,240 --> 00:48:40,400
I could've saved three kids a month,
according to UNICEF.

978
00:48:41,240 --> 00:48:42,960
No, that's not for me.

979
00:48:43,040 --> 00:48:44,760
[crowd laughter]

980
00:48:44,840 --> 00:48:48,000
My reason for getting Tinder Gold
was that I would save a lot of time.

981
00:48:48,840 --> 00:48:52,320
Yeah right, saving time by
swiping around in Australia.

982
00:48:52,400 --> 00:48:54,040
[crowd laughter]

983
00:48:56,440 --> 00:48:59,840
But when I started dating
my current boyfriend I was crazy.

984
00:48:59,920 --> 00:49:02,360
I get completely crazy when dating.

985
00:49:02,440 --> 00:49:06,360
If he didn't reply for ten minutes,

986
00:49:06,440 --> 00:49:07,560
I went bananas.

987
00:49:08,280 --> 00:49:12,400
Completely bananas. I could be
standing with a friend, and be like…

988
00:49:13,920 --> 00:49:16,320
[crowd chucking]

989
00:49:16,400 --> 00:49:17,640
"Okay."

990
00:49:18,520 --> 00:49:20,600
[louder] "Okay!"

991
00:49:21,400 --> 00:49:23,920
[even louder] "Okay, then!"

992
00:49:24,000 --> 00:49:28,200
"It's over.
That's the end of that. Oh well."

993
00:49:28,920 --> 00:49:31,960
And my friend was like,
"Here we fucking go again."

994
00:49:32,040 --> 00:49:33,520
[crowd laughter]

995
00:49:34,200 --> 00:49:38,440
And she was like,
"Johanna, have you spoken today, or…?"

996
00:49:39,240 --> 00:49:41,880
And I was like, "Yes, we've spoken."

997
00:49:43,320 --> 00:49:48,120
"So, you're talking?"
"No. We did, but we're not now, are we?"

998
00:49:49,480 --> 00:49:53,280
"Okay, but if you have spoken today,
you might know what he's doing."

999
00:49:54,160 --> 00:49:55,320
"Yes."

1000
00:49:56,600 --> 00:49:58,160
"He's at a fucking funeral."

1001
00:49:58,240 --> 00:49:59,600
[crowd laughter]

1002
00:49:59,680 --> 00:50:02,800
"He's at a fucking funeral.
Felicia's gone and died."

1003
00:50:02,880 --> 00:50:04,840
"And he's the first one there.
He's bought flowers for her."

1004
00:50:04,920 --> 00:50:05,760
[crowd chuckling]

1005
00:50:05,840 --> 00:50:09,080
"Will he buy flowers for me?
No. But for Felicia, yes."

1006
00:50:09,160 --> 00:50:10,160
"He's fucking her right now."

1007
00:50:10,240 --> 00:50:11,640
[crowd laughter]

1008
00:50:11,720 --> 00:50:15,960
"He's fucking her in the coffin.
I just know it."

1009
00:50:16,040 --> 00:50:18,080
[crowd laughter, cheers]

1010
00:50:18,760 --> 00:50:19,640
And my friends were like… "Hmm."

1011
00:50:19,720 --> 00:50:21,720
"I think you would've known
if he wanted to fuck corpses."

1012
00:50:21,800 --> 00:50:23,160
[crowd laughter]

1013
00:50:23,240 --> 00:50:24,640
"You never know."

1014
00:50:25,880 --> 00:50:28,680
"I would've fucked Micke dead or alive.
It makes no difference to me."

1015
00:50:28,760 --> 00:50:31,360
[crowd laughing, cheering]

1016
00:50:32,840 --> 00:50:34,280
Thank you, you're all so nice.

1017
00:50:34,360 --> 00:50:36,520
[applause]

1018
00:50:37,360 --> 00:50:38,760
Before I met my boyfriend,

1019
00:50:38,840 --> 00:50:41,800
I've always wondered what it's like
to have sex with someone who's got asthma.

1020
00:50:41,880 --> 00:50:43,760
[crowd laughter]

1021
00:50:43,840 --> 00:50:46,760
People always have
asthma up until you have sex.

1022
00:50:46,840 --> 00:50:48,880
You've never heard anyone say,
"I've got asthma,

1023
00:50:48,960 --> 00:50:51,320
so, I've got the inhaler with me."

1024
00:50:51,840 --> 00:50:53,160
You've never heard that.

1025
00:50:54,080 --> 00:50:56,240
I didn't know my boyfriend has asthma,

1026
00:50:56,320 --> 00:50:59,600
but when you're gonna have sex
with someone you like,

1027
00:50:59,680 --> 00:51:03,480
you want it to be good.

1028
00:51:03,560 --> 00:51:07,120
I went all in. I shaved my entire body.

1029
00:51:07,200 --> 00:51:10,520
I moisturized. I ate pineapple for weeks.

1030
00:51:10,600 --> 00:51:11,880
[crowd cheers]

1031
00:51:11,960 --> 00:51:14,520
I ran to the pharmacy
and found… Well, I didn't run.

1032
00:51:14,600 --> 00:51:15,440
[crowd laughter]

1033
00:51:15,520 --> 00:51:20,520
I walked, rather, to the pharmacy and
found something called coochie deodorant.

1034
00:51:20,600 --> 00:51:22,000
[crowd laughter]

1035
00:51:22,080 --> 00:51:25,280
No it's not, it's called intimate spray.
[chuckles]

1036
00:51:25,360 --> 00:51:26,760
I bought a few bottles.

1037
00:51:26,840 --> 00:51:28,960
I used the first one.
"No, I'll take the second one too.

1038
00:51:29,040 --> 00:51:31,000
Might as well. I took the third one."

1039
00:51:32,040 --> 00:51:34,520
But what I didn't know
was that people with asthma have…

1040
00:51:35,160 --> 00:51:37,480
[crowd laughter]

1041
00:51:38,360 --> 00:51:40,680
…difficulties with … scents…

1042
00:51:40,760 --> 00:51:42,120
[crowd laughter]

1043
00:51:42,200 --> 00:51:43,560
…and perfumes, and the like.

1044
00:51:44,520 --> 00:51:46,280
So, he…

1045
00:51:49,040 --> 00:51:51,120
[crowd laughing]

1046
00:51:51,200 --> 00:51:52,480
…went down on me,

1047
00:51:52,560 --> 00:51:55,120
[crowd laughter, cheers]

1048
00:51:55,200 --> 00:51:58,280
and I suddenly
felt how he started to shake.

1049
00:51:58,360 --> 00:52:00,280
[crowd laughter]

1050
00:52:01,680 --> 00:52:08,200
Which was the greatest thing
I've ever felt in my entire fucking life.

1051
00:52:08,280 --> 00:52:10,960
[crowd cheering, applause]

1052
00:52:12,200 --> 00:52:16,440
You know air pressure vibrators?
I thought, "He's done a course."

1053
00:52:16,520 --> 00:52:17,520
[crowd chuckling]

1054
00:52:17,600 --> 00:52:24,520
"He's learned to do it
with his mouth. Great for me."

1055
00:52:25,120 --> 00:52:28,360
So, I let him continue
until he started coughing.

1056
00:52:29,520 --> 00:52:32,040
Which is also the most
pleasurable experience of my life.

1057
00:52:32,120 --> 00:52:32,960
[crowd laughter]

1058
00:52:33,040 --> 00:52:36,040
Guys, if you haven't coughed in your
girlfriend's pussy, go home and do that.

1059
00:52:36,120 --> 00:52:37,240
[crowd laughter]

1060
00:52:37,320 --> 00:52:40,320
Corona is the
best thing that ever happened to me.

1061
00:52:40,400 --> 00:52:41,360
[crowd laughter]

1062
00:52:41,440 --> 00:52:43,840
The first Corona outburst,
I was there in a heartbeat.

1063
00:52:45,960 --> 00:52:48,520
If someone's coughing on a bus,
"You're coming home with me."

1064
00:52:48,600 --> 00:52:49,560
[crowd laughter]

1065
00:52:49,640 --> 00:52:51,680
Anders Tegnell,
"Everyone needs to get vaccinated."

1066
00:52:51,760 --> 00:52:53,800
"Fucking misogynist."

1067
00:52:53,880 --> 00:52:55,640
[crowd giggling, laughing]

1068
00:52:59,280 --> 00:53:01,880
-[crowd cheering]
-[chuckles]

1069
00:53:01,960 --> 00:53:04,600
[applause]

1070
00:53:06,960 --> 00:53:10,640
I also think I'm heterosexual
because I've got a phobia.

1071
00:53:11,200 --> 00:53:12,040
[crowd chuckles]

1072
00:53:12,560 --> 00:53:14,600
-[chuckles]
-[crowd laughing]

1073
00:53:14,680 --> 00:53:17,400
It's called trypophobia. It's a
phobia where you have a fear of holes.

1074
00:53:18,600 --> 00:53:20,040
I hate holes.

1075
00:53:20,800 --> 00:53:22,760
It feels like things
will be coming out of them.

1076
00:53:23,400 --> 00:53:25,400
Like the TikTok cop.

1077
00:53:25,480 --> 00:53:27,280
[crowd laughter]

1078
00:53:28,280 --> 00:53:31,160
It feels like if I went down on a
girl and saw it, I would be like,

1079
00:53:31,240 --> 00:53:32,240
[screaming] "No!"

1080
00:53:32,760 --> 00:53:35,120
She could threaten me with her pussy.

1081
00:53:35,200 --> 00:53:36,040
[crowd laughter]

1082
00:53:36,120 --> 00:53:39,440
"If you don't take the trash out,
you know what will happen."

1083
00:53:39,520 --> 00:53:41,120
[crowd chuckling]

1084
00:53:41,200 --> 00:53:45,080
I hate holes, all types of holes…
small holes, big holes, medium holes.

1085
00:53:46,120 --> 00:53:50,240
I came home
to my mother and sister to tell them.

1086
00:53:50,320 --> 00:53:52,960
It was a serious conversation. "Sit down.
I've got something to tell you."

1087
00:53:54,240 --> 00:53:56,800
They were really worried.
I said, "Okay. Um…

1088
00:53:58,160 --> 00:54:00,040
I've got trypophobia."

1089
00:54:02,040 --> 00:54:03,840
"And it's really difficult for me."

1090
00:54:05,000 --> 00:54:07,400
And my sister said, "Johanna."

1091
00:54:08,040 --> 00:54:10,480
"I've also got trypophobia."

1092
00:54:12,240 --> 00:54:13,800
"I think it runs in the family."

1093
00:54:16,120 --> 00:54:19,160
"Well, I'm from Portugal,
so, I don't know about that."

1094
00:54:19,240 --> 00:54:21,240
Thank you! Thank you, Avicii Arena.

1095
00:54:21,320 --> 00:54:23,920
-Thank you for coming!
-[crowd cheering, applause]

1096
00:54:24,000 --> 00:54:24,920
You're wonderful!

1097
00:54:25,000 --> 00:54:26,680
-[upbeat music plays]
-[crowd cheers]

1098
00:54:26,760 --> 00:54:28,280
[Johanna] Thank you!

1099
00:54:28,960 --> 00:54:30,000
Thank you!

1100
00:54:40,720 --> 00:54:43,320
[soft music playing]

1101
00:54:53,920 --> 00:55:00,240
[singers] ♪ <i>Uh uh-uh</i> ♪

1102
00:55:00,320 --> 00:55:03,760
♪ <i>Uh-uh</i> ♪

1103
00:55:03,840 --> 00:55:08,640
♪ <i>Uh-uh</i> ♪

1104
00:55:08,720 --> 00:55:11,600
[distorted sound effect]

1105
00:55:11,680 --> 00:55:12,920
[dramatic drum beat]

1106
00:55:21,720 --> 00:55:22,560
♪ [distorted] <i>Uhh</i> ♪

1107
00:55:25,760 --> 00:55:26,920
[distorted solo guitar plays]

1108
00:55:28,960 --> 00:55:32,120
-[crowd cheering]
-[dramatic music builds up]

1109
00:55:40,600 --> 00:55:43,440
[gentle music playing]

1110
00:55:43,520 --> 00:55:46,040
[loud crowd cheering]

1111
00:55:53,320 --> 00:55:58,280
♪ <i>Even through all the times</i>
<i>I wasn't believing</i> ♪

1112
00:55:58,360 --> 00:56:02,200
♪ <i>And only I kept on dreaming</i> ♪

1113
00:56:02,280 --> 00:56:08,480
♪ <i>Now finally the fire</i>
<i>I see it, I see it</i> ♪

1114
00:56:09,480 --> 00:56:16,000
♪ <i>'Cause I've been</i>
<i>Bleeding, needing, healing</i> ♪

1115
00:56:16,080 --> 00:56:20,800
♪ <i>Feeling so lost within</i> ♪

1116
00:56:20,880 --> 00:56:23,840
♪ <i>Trapped in a maze I'm in</i> ♪

1117
00:56:23,920 --> 00:56:29,960
♪ <i>I've been bleeding, needing, healing</i> ♪

1118
00:56:30,040 --> 00:56:34,760
♪ <i>Feeling so lost within</i> ♪

1119
00:56:34,840 --> 00:56:38,080
♪ <i>Trapped in a maze I'm in</i> ♪

1120
00:56:39,120 --> 00:56:43,160
♪ <i>Fall asleep standing on my feet</i> ♪

1121
00:56:43,240 --> 00:56:46,320
♪ <i>So I can run in this field</i> ♪

1122
00:56:46,400 --> 00:56:51,680
♪ <i>The dreams I keep inside of me</i>
<i>They've never seen</i> ♪

1123
00:56:51,760 --> 00:56:52,680
[singers] ♪ <i>Just like a leaf</i> ♪

1124
00:56:52,760 --> 00:56:55,520
-[Johanna] ♪ <i>Oh, when it blows</i> ♪
-[singers] ♪ <i>Blows</i> ♪

1125
00:56:55,600 --> 00:56:58,960
-♪ <i>Through the storms and the cold</i> ♪
-[singers] ♪ <i>Cold</i> ♪

1126
00:56:59,040 --> 00:57:02,240
-♪ <i>Imma find my way home</i> ♪
-[singers] ♪ <i>Home</i> ♪

1127
00:57:02,320 --> 00:57:04,680
♪ <i>Even though nobody knows</i> ♪

1128
00:57:04,760 --> 00:57:06,840
[singers] ♪ <i>Nobody knows</i> ♪

1129
00:57:06,920 --> 00:57:11,840
♪ <i>Even through all the times</i>
<i>I wasn't believed in</i> ♪

1130
00:57:11,920 --> 00:57:15,720
♪ <i>And only I kept on dreaming</i> ♪

1131
00:57:15,800 --> 00:57:19,040
♪ <i>Now finally the fire, I see it</i> ♪

1132
00:57:19,120 --> 00:57:21,720
♪ <i>I see it</i> ♪

1133
00:57:22,240 --> 00:57:23,000
[crowd cheering]

1134
00:57:23,080 --> 00:57:29,560
♪ <i>'Cause I've been</i>
<i>Bleeding, needing, healing</i> ♪

1135
00:57:29,640 --> 00:57:34,400
♪ <i>Feeling so lost within</i> ♪

1136
00:57:34,480 --> 00:57:37,400
♪ <i>Trapped in a maze I'm in</i> ♪

1137
00:57:37,480 --> 00:57:43,480
♪ <i>I've been bleeding, needing, healing</i> ♪

1138
00:57:43,560 --> 00:57:48,360
♪ <i>Feeling so lost within</i> ♪

1139
00:57:48,440 --> 00:57:51,800
♪ <i>Trapped in a maze I'm in</i> ♪

1140
00:57:54,800 --> 00:57:57,480
-[all clapping in unison]
-[soulful guitar solo begins]

1141
00:58:06,200 --> 00:58:09,400
-[singers] ♪ <i>Ooh</i> ♪
-[guitar solo continues]

1142
00:58:09,480 --> 00:58:12,880
[Johanna and singers] ♪ <i>Oohh-ooh</i> ♪

1143
00:58:12,960 --> 00:58:16,200
♪ <i>Ooh-ooh</i> ♪

1144
00:58:16,280 --> 00:58:19,040
♪ <i>Ooh-ooh</i> ♪

1145
00:58:19,120 --> 00:58:25,600
♪ <i>'Cause I've been</i>
<i>Bleeding, needing, healing</i> ♪

1146
00:58:25,680 --> 00:58:30,440
♪ <i>Feeling so lost within</i> ♪

1147
00:58:30,520 --> 00:58:33,520
♪ <i>Trapped in a maze I'm in</i> ♪

1148
00:58:33,600 --> 00:58:39,480
♪ <i>I've been bleeding, needing, healing</i> ♪

1149
00:58:39,560 --> 00:58:44,440
♪ <i>Feeling so lost within</i> ♪

1150
00:58:44,520 --> 00:58:48,320
♪ <i>Trapped in a maze I'm in</i> ♪

1151
00:58:48,400 --> 00:58:50,920
[singers] ♪ <i>So lost</i> ♪

1152
00:58:52,160 --> 00:58:54,160
-[crowd cheering]
-[singers] ♪ <i>So lost</i> ♪

1153
00:58:55,480 --> 00:58:57,880
♪ <i>So lost</i> ♪

1154
00:58:58,960 --> 00:59:03,480
♪ <i>So lost</i> ♪

1155
00:59:05,000 --> 00:59:07,800
-[music ends]
-[crowd cheering, applause]