WEBVTT FILE 1 00:00:02.000 --> 00:00:07.000 Downloaded from YTS.MX 2 00:00:06.658 --> 00:00:08.878 [AUDIENCE CHEERING AND APPLAUDING] 3 00:00:08.000 --> 00:00:13.000 Official YIFY movies site: YTS.MX 4 00:00:08.921 --> 00:00:13.143 ANNOUNCER: Ladies and gentlemen, Kim McVicar! 5 00:00:13.187 --> 00:00:15.450 [CHEERING AND APPLAUSE CONTINUES] 6 00:00:19.541 --> 00:00:22.152 [BASS DRUM BEATS] 7 00:00:47.525 --> 00:00:49.310 ♪ Let me see you dance 8 00:00:49.353 --> 00:00:51.094 ♪ Oh, boy You're looking right 9 00:00:51.138 --> 00:00:53.009 ♪ Your body's just my type 10 00:00:53.053 --> 00:00:54.619 ♪ Let's steam it up in here 11 00:00:56.056 --> 00:00:58.536 ♪ Let the song Tell you what to do 12 00:00:58.580 --> 00:01:00.234 ♪ Get down and rub your ooh 13 00:01:00.277 --> 00:01:02.192 ♪ Until you're sweating wet 14 00:01:02.236 --> 00:01:03.933 ♪ I'll make you all my pet 15 00:01:03.976 --> 00:01:05.804 ♪ It's not cheating If it's choreographed 16 00:01:05.848 --> 00:01:07.545 ♪ It's not cheating When it touches ass 17 00:01:07.589 --> 00:01:09.504 ♪ It's not cheating If it's choreographed 18 00:01:09.547 --> 00:01:11.419 ♪ Part of the dance So I get a pass 19 00:01:15.249 --> 00:01:16.989 ♪ But we are on the stage 20 00:01:17.033 --> 00:01:18.643 ♪ So let's fuck it right! 21 00:01:18.687 --> 00:01:20.384 ♪ Lick them, stick them Make them, take them 22 00:01:20.428 --> 00:01:22.386 ♪ Pop them, drop them Swap them, cup them 23 00:01:25.433 --> 00:01:27.826 ♪ Because it's not cheating If it's choreographed 24 00:01:27.870 --> 00:01:29.959 ♪ Part of the dance So I get a pass 25 00:01:30.002 --> 00:01:31.569 ♪ Not cheating If it's choreographed 26 00:01:31.613 --> 00:01:33.484 ♪ Shake those balls And smack that ass 27 00:01:33.528 --> 00:01:35.878 ♪ We... not cheating 28 00:01:36.748 --> 00:01:38.185 [BLUBBERING] 29 00:01:38.228 --> 00:01:39.621 ♪ Not cheating 30 00:01:42.145 --> 00:01:43.277 ♪ Not cheating 31 00:01:45.670 --> 00:01:47.716 ♪ Not cheating 32 00:01:47.759 --> 00:01:49.587 ♪ Now twerk that dick Twerk that dick 33 00:01:49.631 --> 00:01:51.459 ♪ What? Twerk that dick Twerk that dick 34 00:01:51.502 --> 00:01:53.374 ♪ What? Twerk that dick Twerk that dick 35 00:01:53.417 --> 00:01:55.158 ♪ What? Twerk it, twerk it, twerk it 36 00:01:55.202 --> 00:01:57.029 ♪ Twerk it, twerk that dick Twerk that dick 37 00:01:57.073 --> 00:01:58.857 ♪ What? Twerk that dick Twerk that dick 38 00:01:58.901 --> 00:02:00.685 ♪ What? Twerk that dick Twerk that dick 39 00:02:00.729 --> 00:02:03.166 ♪ What? Twerk it, twerk it Twerk it, twerk it 40 00:02:03.210 --> 00:02:04.863 ♪ Not cheating If it's choreographed 41 00:02:04.907 --> 00:02:06.865 ♪ It's not cheating When I nub his shaft 42 00:02:06.909 --> 00:02:08.867 ♪ It's not cheating If it's choreographed 43 00:02:08.911 --> 00:02:10.478 ♪ Wait 44 00:02:10.521 --> 00:02:12.044 ♪ I choreographed it 45 00:02:12.088 --> 00:02:15.135 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 46 00:02:15.178 --> 00:02:17.702 ♪ Too late It's not cheating If it's choreographed 47 00:02:17.746 --> 00:02:19.661 ♪ Aah, aah, aah, aah 48 00:02:20.749 --> 00:02:24.579 [AUDIENCE CHEERING] 49 00:02:24.622 --> 00:02:27.582 You can keep cheering for me. I'm gonna need a water break. 50 00:02:28.452 --> 00:02:29.845 To get started right-- Yeah. 51 00:02:31.455 --> 00:02:34.066 Mm-hm. 52 00:02:34.110 --> 00:02:37.069 People... they're are always like, "Why do you dance in your shows?" 53 00:02:38.332 --> 00:02:39.898 It's the only exercise I get, guys. 54 00:02:39.942 --> 00:02:41.335 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 55 00:02:41.378 --> 00:02:44.251 Today what you saw, is all my exercise. 56 00:02:44.294 --> 00:02:48.472 Plus, I like having hot guys... grind on me. [CHUCKLES] 57 00:02:48.516 --> 00:02:50.953 And I didn't want to deny you all my '90s dance moves. 58 00:02:50.996 --> 00:02:52.868 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 59 00:02:52.911 --> 00:02:55.044 Well, that's a Floss. That's not '90s. 60 00:02:55.087 --> 00:02:56.959 Get it TikTok. What? No. I'm so hip. 61 00:02:57.525 --> 00:02:59.701 No. I'm not. 62 00:02:59.744 --> 00:03:01.224 So good to see people in a room. 63 00:03:01.268 --> 00:03:04.488 [CHUCKLES] Oh, so nice! 64 00:03:04.532 --> 00:03:06.664 It's crazy. I live in California. 65 00:03:07.709 --> 00:03:09.928 -Mm-hm. Uh... -[AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 66 00:03:09.972 --> 00:03:12.366 Yeah. Yeah. 67 00:03:12.409 --> 00:03:15.107 We were locked up for a year-and-a-half. 68 00:03:15.151 --> 00:03:16.892 You guys were locked up for, what, 30 minutes? 69 00:03:16.935 --> 00:03:18.546 -Right? Whoo, yeah! -[AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 70 00:03:18.981 --> 00:03:19.982 Crush it! 71 00:03:21.113 --> 00:03:22.767 Oh, yeah. 72 00:03:22.811 --> 00:03:25.814 It did teach me what I value in life, though. 73 00:03:25.857 --> 00:03:27.729 It really did, the lockdown. 74 00:03:27.772 --> 00:03:29.470 The number one thing that I missed, 75 00:03:29.513 --> 00:03:33.430 I realized, was hanging out with my girlfriends. 76 00:03:33.474 --> 00:03:37.173 Yeah, I miss my girls! You have so many beautiful women here. 77 00:03:37.217 --> 00:03:38.870 I missed-- Oh, I missed the girls. 78 00:03:38.914 --> 00:03:41.786 But most of all, I missed catty bitch time. 79 00:03:44.136 --> 00:03:46.008 Yeah, if you don't know what that is, guys, 80 00:03:46.051 --> 00:03:48.010 it's when a bunch of women get together 81 00:03:48.053 --> 00:03:50.534 and we talk a lot of shit about a lot of people. 82 00:03:52.188 --> 00:03:55.452 It's my favorite thing to do. 83 00:03:55.496 --> 00:03:58.977 But I didn't have that because I was trapped inside a house with my husband. 84 00:03:59.021 --> 00:04:00.327 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 85 00:04:02.720 --> 00:04:04.331 So I had to go to the next best thing. 86 00:04:05.157 --> 00:04:06.333 Instagram... 87 00:04:07.464 --> 00:04:09.292 or, as I like to call it, "instant shame." 88 00:04:09.336 --> 00:04:10.946 [CHUCKLES] 89 00:04:10.989 --> 00:04:14.166 So I was on this bitch's page... she's also my best friend. 90 00:04:16.081 --> 00:04:17.082 Yeah. 91 00:04:17.909 --> 00:04:20.042 And she just had a baby. 92 00:04:20.085 --> 00:04:23.306 And her post was a picture of her face 93 00:04:23.350 --> 00:04:25.177 with two fingers pointing at it. 94 00:04:25.961 --> 00:04:28.355 No baby. 95 00:04:28.398 --> 00:04:32.054 And underneath it read, "Who just had a baby? I just had a baby. 96 00:04:32.097 --> 00:04:35.797 Six hours of quarantine 'cause of Covid but I just had a baby." 97 00:04:35.840 --> 00:04:40.062 And I was like, "No, this is not how you post the picture of your baby." 98 00:04:40.105 --> 00:04:41.803 You show a picture of your goddamn baby. 99 00:04:41.846 --> 00:04:44.588 I was so mad. I just swiped to see what this kid looked like. 100 00:04:44.632 --> 00:04:48.070 And it wasn't even an ugly looking kid. It was a normal looking kid. 101 00:04:48.113 --> 00:04:50.768 I was so mad. This is exactly what I would've had at catty bitch time. 102 00:04:50.812 --> 00:04:51.900 Like, exactly. 103 00:04:53.597 --> 00:04:55.469 But I didn't have that. 104 00:04:55.512 --> 00:04:57.079 So I went over to my husband, 105 00:04:58.602 --> 00:05:02.084 and I was like, "Babe, we've talked about this, 106 00:05:02.127 --> 00:05:06.697 how this pandemic is forcing us to fulfill roles we've never had to fulfill before." 107 00:05:06.741 --> 00:05:08.482 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 108 00:05:08.525 --> 00:05:10.310 "I'm gonna need you to man up right now 109 00:05:10.832 --> 00:05:12.007 and be a bitch." 110 00:05:12.050 --> 00:05:14.139 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 111 00:05:15.576 --> 00:05:16.794 I showed him the photo. 112 00:05:16.838 --> 00:05:18.840 And he was like, "Oh, what's wrong with that, 113 00:05:18.883 --> 00:05:21.190 she just had a baby. You should say congratulations." 114 00:05:21.973 --> 00:05:23.714 I was like, "No!" 115 00:05:23.758 --> 00:05:26.413 This is not catty-b. Rule one of catty-b is be a "B". 116 00:05:27.979 --> 00:05:29.416 He didn't get it. 117 00:05:29.459 --> 00:05:31.766 He was like, "Oh, I'm sorry. Let me try that again." 118 00:05:31.809 --> 00:05:35.683 I was like, you can't apologize when you're in catty bitch time, right? 119 00:05:35.726 --> 00:05:37.772 Well, it's L.A., we're not allowed to do anything. 120 00:05:37.815 --> 00:05:39.643 So he was just like, "Ah, fine, here." 121 00:05:39.687 --> 00:05:41.253 I showed it to him again, he was like, 122 00:05:41.297 --> 00:05:43.343 "Oh, look at that fat, sloppy, dirty whore." 123 00:05:43.386 --> 00:05:45.388 -I was like, "Wow!" -[AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 124 00:05:45.432 --> 00:05:47.651 Wow, that is not catty bitch. 125 00:05:47.695 --> 00:05:49.392 That's cunty bitch. Whoa! 126 00:05:53.135 --> 00:05:57.400 My husband makes fun of my Instagram, uh, because I do selfies. 127 00:05:57.444 --> 00:06:00.098 I'm one of those. I do selfies. 128 00:06:00.142 --> 00:06:02.536 And he says that I make this like "ooh face", 129 00:06:02.579 --> 00:06:04.538 this like, oh, like, puckered up lip, like, 130 00:06:04.581 --> 00:06:06.453 "Ooh, do you know what I'm talking about?" Yeah. 131 00:06:06.496 --> 00:06:09.630 And he's like, "Why? Why do you do that?" 132 00:06:09.673 --> 00:06:12.415 I'm like, "Oh, it's just so that everyone who follows me online 133 00:06:12.459 --> 00:06:16.245 knows what a tiny dick I can suck. I can suck such a small little dick. 134 00:06:16.288 --> 00:06:18.726 So small, so small." [EXCLAIMING] 135 00:06:18.769 --> 00:06:20.684 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 136 00:06:22.294 --> 00:06:23.383 Yeah. 137 00:06:30.302 --> 00:06:33.044 Go to "Kim.McVicar" to see how small of a dick I can suck. 138 00:06:34.350 --> 00:06:36.396 Trying to get those followers. No, I'm kidding. 139 00:06:36.744 --> 00:06:39.137 Hm. 140 00:06:39.181 --> 00:06:42.010 Instagram, what a fun thing. [CHUCKLES] 141 00:06:42.053 --> 00:06:44.795 Do you guys just think it's people's vision board? I do. 142 00:06:44.839 --> 00:06:48.582 'Cause none of it's real, everyone filters. It's stupid. 143 00:06:48.625 --> 00:06:51.846 I was like, "I hope I look like I am successful." 144 00:06:51.889 --> 00:06:54.326 Look at all the followers I bought." No, I'm kidding. 145 00:06:54.370 --> 00:06:56.198 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 146 00:06:56.241 --> 00:06:58.156 "Please comment." Uh... [CHUCKLES] 147 00:07:00.637 --> 00:07:02.770 My husband joined a band. 148 00:07:02.813 --> 00:07:05.337 That's the appropriate response to that. 149 00:07:05.381 --> 00:07:07.165 Whew. He joined a band, 150 00:07:07.209 --> 00:07:11.213 and he was genuinely surprised that I wasn't excited about this. 151 00:07:11.256 --> 00:07:12.867 He's like, "Babe, I joined a band." 152 00:07:13.389 --> 00:07:14.695 Okay. 153 00:07:14.738 --> 00:07:16.523 "I'm genuinely surprised you're not more excited." 154 00:07:16.566 --> 00:07:18.481 He thought I was gonna be some groupie 155 00:07:18.525 --> 00:07:20.788 of some middle-aged band with mediocre talent. 156 00:07:23.530 --> 00:07:25.532 I've heard him saying, "It's not good." 157 00:07:25.575 --> 00:07:27.403 I didn't say that to him, though. I didn't. 158 00:07:27.447 --> 00:07:29.840 What I said to him was, "I know what we'll do. 159 00:07:29.884 --> 00:07:32.713 We'll take all that money you're not gonna make in your band. 160 00:07:32.756 --> 00:07:35.846 We'll put it with all the money you never made while you're an actor." 161 00:07:35.890 --> 00:07:38.109 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 162 00:07:38.153 --> 00:07:43.245 "Or a writer or a blogger or a TikTok influencer." 163 00:07:43.288 --> 00:07:45.900 This is what I'm getting at. 164 00:07:45.943 --> 00:07:48.946 What does he think, one day he'll just buy me an imagination house? 165 00:07:51.862 --> 00:07:54.474 It's all right. I'm giving him imagination blowjobs, ladies. 166 00:07:54.517 --> 00:07:56.040 So, it's fair. It's fair. 167 00:07:56.911 --> 00:07:58.782 It's fair. 168 00:07:58.826 --> 00:08:00.871 Some of you might have heard that story before 169 00:08:00.915 --> 00:08:03.265 'cause I do tell a version of it in my first special. 170 00:08:03.308 --> 00:08:05.223 Ah, the reason I'm telling you this is, one, 171 00:08:05.267 --> 00:08:07.704 go fucking watch it if you haven't, it's called, "Please Notice Me." 172 00:08:07.748 --> 00:08:09.706 Shameless plug. Uh, but two... 173 00:08:10.794 --> 00:08:12.927 my husband was at the live taping. 174 00:08:13.841 --> 00:08:15.451 Mm-hm. 175 00:08:15.495 --> 00:08:18.149 And after the show, he came up to me, 176 00:08:18.193 --> 00:08:20.848 and he was like, "Really great job, baby, really great job. 177 00:08:20.891 --> 00:08:25.461 Oh, it's just that I can't believe you told everybody I joined a band." 178 00:08:25.505 --> 00:08:27.898 And I was like, "I can't believe you haven't heard that joke. 179 00:08:27.942 --> 00:08:30.205 I've been telling it for three years. Come to the show!" 180 00:08:30.248 --> 00:08:33.208 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 181 00:08:33.251 --> 00:08:36.341 He was like, "It's not that, it's not that. It's just that... 182 00:08:36.385 --> 00:08:38.343 they kicked me out of the band." 183 00:08:38.387 --> 00:08:39.475 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 184 00:08:39.519 --> 00:08:41.521 [EXCLAIMING] 185 00:08:41.564 --> 00:08:44.915 After one show, they kicked him out of the band. 186 00:08:45.568 --> 00:08:47.439 [EXHALES] 187 00:08:47.483 --> 00:08:50.834 For three years, I thought my husband was in a band. 188 00:08:50.878 --> 00:08:52.401 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 189 00:08:55.317 --> 00:08:59.539 Because for three years I never asked him about it. 190 00:08:59.582 --> 00:09:02.019 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 191 00:09:02.063 --> 00:09:05.501 'Cause I didn't want to be invited to a "concert". 192 00:09:05.545 --> 00:09:10.201 And for three years he never told me about it 'cause he knew I'd make fun of him. 193 00:09:10.245 --> 00:09:13.553 I think we stumbled upon the success to marriage, everybody. 194 00:09:13.596 --> 00:09:15.772 Just go with the military, "don't ask, don't tell." 195 00:09:16.643 --> 00:09:18.209 That's how we do it. 196 00:09:18.253 --> 00:09:19.646 No, we are in love. We are in love. 197 00:09:19.689 --> 00:09:21.256 I feel like people are always worried about it. 198 00:09:21.299 --> 00:09:23.780 We're in love, all right? I tell him he's in love with me. 199 00:09:23.824 --> 00:09:24.955 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 200 00:09:24.999 --> 00:09:26.087 So I think we're good. 201 00:09:26.653 --> 00:09:27.871 "You love me!" 202 00:09:28.785 --> 00:09:30.961 "Don't forget me." 203 00:09:31.005 --> 00:09:33.398 -No, actually, we just got remarried. -[SCATTERED CLAPPING] 204 00:09:33.442 --> 00:09:35.096 Oh, one clap. Great. Yeah. 205 00:09:35.139 --> 00:09:37.185 It was a dude, too. The dude was like, "I believe in you." 206 00:09:37.228 --> 00:09:41.319 Yeah. I just got remarried. Actually, for the eighth time. No, I'm not lying. 207 00:09:41.363 --> 00:09:43.017 We just got remarried for the eighth time. 208 00:09:43.060 --> 00:09:44.758 'Cause we get remarried every year. 209 00:09:45.933 --> 00:09:47.761 Yeah, 'cause when he proposed to me, 210 00:09:47.804 --> 00:09:51.895 I was like, "Forever... forever, ever, forever? Forever is too long. 211 00:09:51.939 --> 00:09:54.681 It's too long. And I don't know what I'm gonna be like in ten years. 212 00:09:54.724 --> 00:09:56.334 I can't do that. I can't. 213 00:09:56.378 --> 00:09:58.598 So I was like, "How about we just do a one-year contract? 214 00:09:58.641 --> 00:10:00.600 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 215 00:10:00.643 --> 00:10:02.340 My marriage is like car insurance. 216 00:10:03.603 --> 00:10:06.301 Basically it auto-renews every year. 217 00:10:06.344 --> 00:10:08.259 But you do get an email that can remind you, 218 00:10:08.303 --> 00:10:09.913 you get a new provider if you want. 219 00:10:09.957 --> 00:10:11.306 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 220 00:10:12.524 --> 00:10:13.961 Plus, then we never fail, right? 221 00:10:14.004 --> 00:10:15.615 Someone's like, "I'm writing this down." 222 00:10:15.658 --> 00:10:18.661 Yeah, we can't fail 'cause we can't get a divorce, right? 223 00:10:18.705 --> 00:10:22.665 Because now it's just, "Oh, we just didn't renew our contract this year. 224 00:10:22.709 --> 00:10:25.537 That's how it works. It's great. 225 00:10:25.581 --> 00:10:28.845 I've gotten married in so many places. I've been married in Hawaii. 226 00:10:28.889 --> 00:10:31.108 I've been married in Ireland in front of a castle. 227 00:10:31.152 --> 00:10:33.502 I've been married in Paris, in front of the Eiffel Tower 228 00:10:33.545 --> 00:10:35.809 with a YouTube star on the phone. 229 00:10:35.852 --> 00:10:38.768 And this year we got married in bumper cars. 230 00:10:38.812 --> 00:10:41.684 Yeah, for real. I've got to say it was like one of my favorites. 231 00:10:41.728 --> 00:10:43.730 There's something very beautiful about it, 232 00:10:43.773 --> 00:10:46.820 like pronouncing your love to someone just ramming your vehicle into them. 233 00:10:48.169 --> 00:10:49.213 It's very nice. 234 00:10:51.476 --> 00:10:53.914 I'm gonna say something that's a little bit controversial 235 00:10:53.957 --> 00:10:55.263 in certain parts of America. 236 00:10:55.785 --> 00:10:56.743 Are you ready? 237 00:10:57.178 --> 00:10:58.658 Thank you. 238 00:10:58.701 --> 00:11:02.836 Uh, I think it's time for everyone to go back into work. 239 00:11:04.011 --> 00:11:05.490 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 240 00:11:05.534 --> 00:11:07.492 Yeah. And by everyone, I mean my husband. 241 00:11:07.536 --> 00:11:08.929 -[CHUCKLES] -[AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 242 00:11:11.888 --> 00:11:13.847 He's been working at home all this period. 243 00:11:13.890 --> 00:11:16.676 Like, I'm very thankful that he got to keep his job during the pandemic. 244 00:11:16.719 --> 00:11:20.592 Very thankful. But it's getting annoying. 245 00:11:20.636 --> 00:11:24.074 Every day he comes down the stairs and tells me about his job. 246 00:11:25.467 --> 00:11:26.903 Humble brag. We have stair money. 247 00:11:26.947 --> 00:11:28.165 What... [CHUCKLES] 248 00:11:30.385 --> 00:11:33.083 He'll say something like, "Babe, I just fixed the RTMP stream 249 00:11:33.127 --> 00:11:34.519 before the Zoom meeting." 250 00:11:35.782 --> 00:11:36.783 "Okay." 251 00:11:39.046 --> 00:11:41.918 "You don't understand how hard that is. You should say good job." 252 00:11:43.267 --> 00:11:44.399 "Okay." 253 00:11:44.442 --> 00:11:45.617 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 254 00:11:46.140 --> 00:11:48.011 "Good job." 255 00:11:48.055 --> 00:11:51.145 Like, he's right. I don't understand how hard it is. 256 00:11:51.188 --> 00:11:53.234 If I'm being completely honest with you, 257 00:11:53.277 --> 00:11:55.889 I don't know what my husband does for a living. 258 00:11:55.932 --> 00:11:59.414 I don't. I just know that he does it in our house. 259 00:11:59.457 --> 00:12:01.242 I don't care what he does for a living, I don't. 260 00:12:01.285 --> 00:12:03.810 As long as he's happy and doesn't talk to me about it. 261 00:12:03.853 --> 00:12:05.507 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 262 00:12:05.550 --> 00:12:07.335 But he does every day. Every day. 263 00:12:07.378 --> 00:12:11.252 Last week, he asked me if I liked his new e-signature. 264 00:12:11.295 --> 00:12:14.821 I don't give a fuck how you sign your emails. Go back to into work! 265 00:12:14.864 --> 00:12:16.257 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 266 00:12:17.475 --> 00:12:19.042 I am not your work wife. 267 00:12:20.870 --> 00:12:22.132 I'm just your wife-wife. 268 00:12:24.265 --> 00:12:27.442 He needs to go back into work where his work wife Natalie is. 269 00:12:29.661 --> 00:12:33.622 And she can praise him for all the things he's supposedly good at. 270 00:12:33.665 --> 00:12:35.363 Again I don't know what he does for a living, 271 00:12:35.406 --> 00:12:37.669 so I can't say he's good at his job. 272 00:12:37.713 --> 00:12:39.759 Although at a Christmas party once, Natalie told me 273 00:12:39.802 --> 00:12:41.412 how great my husband is at his job. 274 00:12:41.456 --> 00:12:43.675 So, "hashtag believe all women". 275 00:12:43.719 --> 00:12:44.938 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 276 00:12:52.902 --> 00:12:54.251 I think I've stumbled upon... 277 00:12:54.295 --> 00:12:55.992 I keep saying "stumble" but I really do think 278 00:12:56.036 --> 00:12:58.429 that I have an idea that's going to work for people. 279 00:12:58.473 --> 00:13:01.911 I think that after so many years of marriage, 280 00:13:01.955 --> 00:13:04.609 your spouse should have to get partners 281 00:13:04.653 --> 00:13:06.829 for all the things you don't want to participate in. 282 00:13:09.136 --> 00:13:11.225 -[CLAPPING] -And I say "after so many years"-- Oh, yeah. 283 00:13:11.268 --> 00:13:15.446 Yeah, I'd like that. Applause break from all the women. 284 00:13:15.490 --> 00:13:19.102 I say that because I think you have to, like, earn the right 285 00:13:19.146 --> 00:13:21.801 not to hang out with your loved ones. 286 00:13:21.844 --> 00:13:24.064 Oh, my husband, he'd have a video gaming wife, 287 00:13:25.239 --> 00:13:27.545 he'd have a sports watching wife. 288 00:13:28.372 --> 00:13:29.504 And a "BJ" husband. 289 00:13:30.331 --> 00:13:32.899 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 290 00:13:32.942 --> 00:13:35.684 I'm not doing it. Someone who knows what they're doing, should. 291 00:13:36.598 --> 00:13:38.339 Yeah. [CHUCKLES] 292 00:13:40.384 --> 00:13:42.778 I used to live out here in Florida. 293 00:13:42.822 --> 00:13:45.825 Cool, you guys don't care. Great. No, that's fine. It's fine. 294 00:13:45.868 --> 00:13:47.435 It's fine. 295 00:13:47.478 --> 00:13:49.741 I was saying I probably slept with half of you, but nope. 296 00:13:49.785 --> 00:13:51.874 All the people I slept with are too scared to come. 297 00:13:51.918 --> 00:13:52.919 Uh, okay. 298 00:13:54.181 --> 00:13:55.182 They're fine. 299 00:13:56.574 --> 00:13:58.054 My friend knew that I was coming out here 300 00:13:58.098 --> 00:13:59.839 and she called me and she was like, 301 00:13:59.882 --> 00:14:02.580 "Kim, if you could go back and fuck all your exes, would you?" 302 00:14:03.843 --> 00:14:05.540 No. Right? No. 303 00:14:05.583 --> 00:14:07.977 She's like, "But you're much better in bed now. You're wiser. 304 00:14:08.021 --> 00:14:09.544 You know what you're doing." 305 00:14:09.587 --> 00:14:12.329 I'm way worse in bed now. Are you kidding me? 306 00:14:12.373 --> 00:14:15.767 In my 20s, I had energy. I was a backup dancer. 307 00:14:15.811 --> 00:14:18.292 My back hurts thinking about things I could have done. 308 00:14:20.772 --> 00:14:23.732 Plus, my moans were on point back then. 309 00:14:23.775 --> 00:14:26.866 "Oh, oh, yeah, Jimmy, harder, yeah!" 310 00:14:26.909 --> 00:14:28.911 Now they're like, "Ow, ow, oh. You know what? 311 00:14:28.955 --> 00:14:30.434 What is it? I need a water break." 312 00:14:35.700 --> 00:14:37.267 Plus, in my 20s, I would lie to men. 313 00:14:38.442 --> 00:14:40.183 I'm like, "Oh, yeah." 314 00:14:40.227 --> 00:14:43.360 Like, if I have fucked you in my 20s, sir, I would be like, 315 00:14:43.404 --> 00:14:46.581 "Oh, yeah, you're so hot. I fucking love that shirt. 316 00:14:46.624 --> 00:14:48.713 Give me all those colors and patterns. Yeah." 317 00:14:50.585 --> 00:14:54.937 Now I'd be like, "Oh, uh, okay. I guess. 318 00:14:54.981 --> 00:14:57.244 Please don't mess with my hair. I just showered." 319 00:14:57.287 --> 00:14:58.810 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 320 00:15:01.552 --> 00:15:04.599 I'm really bad in bed, guys. I should tell you that. Really bad in bed. 321 00:15:04.642 --> 00:15:08.995 Oh, so bad. Like the first time I ever tried to have sex with somebody, 322 00:15:09.038 --> 00:15:12.737 I was, like, touching him all over his pants like this. 323 00:15:15.349 --> 00:15:17.177 Just really nubbing the tip. 324 00:15:17.220 --> 00:15:18.482 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 325 00:15:22.312 --> 00:15:23.748 And he came. 326 00:15:23.792 --> 00:15:25.141 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 327 00:15:25.185 --> 00:15:28.275 Oh, and he felt so bad about it. 328 00:15:28.318 --> 00:15:31.756 And I was like, "I'm amazing, yeah!" 329 00:15:31.800 --> 00:15:33.062 Check out these jazz hands. 330 00:15:33.106 --> 00:15:35.586 What? Thanks, mom, for all those dance lessons. 331 00:15:39.590 --> 00:15:42.811 Let's level up Flossy style. Oh, what? Oh, yeah. 332 00:15:42.854 --> 00:15:44.160 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 333 00:15:48.121 --> 00:15:49.818 Then we really tried to have sex. 334 00:15:49.861 --> 00:15:51.733 Not the same day. He had had too big a day. 335 00:15:51.776 --> 00:15:53.996 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 336 00:15:54.040 --> 00:15:57.565 So I go over to his house and there's a box of condoms out. 337 00:15:57.608 --> 00:15:59.045 And one is open and out. 338 00:16:00.089 --> 00:16:01.569 And I'm like, "What?" [CHUCKLES] 339 00:16:02.657 --> 00:16:05.877 And he was like a virgin, too. 340 00:16:05.921 --> 00:16:10.752 And he was like, "I just wanted to make sure that I knew what I was doing." 341 00:16:10.795 --> 00:16:12.014 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 342 00:16:16.540 --> 00:16:21.893 Can't we all just time out and admit that this is the most disgusting position... 343 00:16:21.937 --> 00:16:22.938 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 344 00:16:23.765 --> 00:16:25.245 ...a guy could be in 345 00:16:26.246 --> 00:16:27.987 before he mounts somebody? 346 00:16:28.030 --> 00:16:29.597 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 347 00:16:29.640 --> 00:16:32.121 You look like a fucking ninja turtle without the pizza. 348 00:16:32.165 --> 00:16:33.644 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 349 00:16:33.688 --> 00:16:35.690 Leave the room, fix the problem. 350 00:16:35.733 --> 00:16:37.039 Come back when you're ready. 351 00:16:37.083 --> 00:16:38.214 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 352 00:16:42.392 --> 00:16:45.961 But I was so naive, so naive, because I was like, 353 00:16:46.005 --> 00:16:47.397 "But how did you, like, 354 00:16:47.441 --> 00:16:51.227 get it up to put on the condom without me in the room?" 355 00:16:51.271 --> 00:16:53.229 Like, without my jazz hands present. 356 00:16:54.752 --> 00:16:57.451 It never dawned on me that guys get erections 357 00:16:57.494 --> 00:16:59.888 without other people in the room. 358 00:16:59.931 --> 00:17:02.934 Because my thought process was like everything's more fun in a group, right? 359 00:17:04.849 --> 00:17:06.851 You guys didn't lose your virginity in a gang bang? 360 00:17:06.895 --> 00:17:09.898 Just me? Cool. Cool. Good to know. 361 00:17:13.597 --> 00:17:15.773 I used to read Cosmomagazines. 362 00:17:15.817 --> 00:17:17.993 Do you remember those? 363 00:17:18.037 --> 00:17:20.778 Oh, yeah, and let me be honest. I didn't read them, I just looked at the pictures. 364 00:17:20.822 --> 00:17:22.606 Probably upside down 'cause I'm dyslexic. 365 00:17:24.478 --> 00:17:27.655 And there was a K-Y jelly ad in there. 366 00:17:27.698 --> 00:17:29.439 -And it had a sample. -WOMAN: Yes. 367 00:17:29.483 --> 00:17:32.877 And I did. This chick is on my '90s vibe. 368 00:17:32.921 --> 00:17:35.619 Uh, and I walk into my mom's room 369 00:17:35.663 --> 00:17:38.405 and I was like, "Mom, check out this new hair gel." 370 00:17:38.448 --> 00:17:39.710 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 371 00:17:41.973 --> 00:17:44.454 Then she was like, "Kimberly, you didn't?" 372 00:17:46.239 --> 00:17:49.851 And I was like, "Of course I did." 373 00:17:49.894 --> 00:17:53.072 I still do. Check out this hold. What? It is so good. 374 00:17:53.115 --> 00:17:54.595 Tampa weather is terrible for frizz. 375 00:17:57.076 --> 00:17:58.990 Plus, I'm always ready now to have sex. 376 00:17:59.034 --> 00:18:01.558 I can just wipe it and swipe it. Let's go! 377 00:18:02.951 --> 00:18:04.648 -Ready! -[AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 378 00:18:10.306 --> 00:18:12.787 I never got better at sex, guys. 379 00:18:12.830 --> 00:18:15.659 My whole sexual career. I shouldn't call it a career. 380 00:18:15.703 --> 00:18:17.400 I never made money in it. Uh... 381 00:18:17.444 --> 00:18:18.445 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 382 00:18:23.232 --> 00:18:24.886 One time I was having sex with a guy. 383 00:18:24.929 --> 00:18:26.235 I don't know why I did it like this. 384 00:18:27.193 --> 00:18:28.368 It's a big dick. Uh... 385 00:18:29.456 --> 00:18:31.588 Yeah. Uh... 386 00:18:31.632 --> 00:18:33.155 Okay, I was having sex with a guy. 387 00:18:33.199 --> 00:18:34.983 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 388 00:18:35.026 --> 00:18:36.941 And uh, the condom broke. 389 00:18:38.334 --> 00:18:39.596 Uh-huh? 390 00:18:39.640 --> 00:18:40.989 I didn't know what to do. 391 00:18:41.032 --> 00:18:43.078 I was on birth control because I've a good mom. 392 00:18:43.122 --> 00:18:44.949 Thanks, Donna. [CHUCKLES] 393 00:18:46.212 --> 00:18:48.301 Like, chanting, "Donna. Yeah, Donna." 394 00:18:48.344 --> 00:18:52.566 Uh, I didn't know what to do. I knew that plan B existed. 395 00:18:52.609 --> 00:18:55.046 But I didn't know much about what it was. 396 00:18:55.090 --> 00:18:59.529 So I went to the emergency room in New York City to get plan B. 397 00:19:00.791 --> 00:19:04.752 The emergency room in New York City. 398 00:19:04.795 --> 00:19:06.536 There are real victims there 399 00:19:06.580 --> 00:19:09.583 with, like, stab wounds, gunshots, like, car accidents. 400 00:19:09.626 --> 00:19:12.063 And I'm just sitting in the waiting room, like... 401 00:19:12.107 --> 00:19:13.543 [SOFTLY] "The condom broke." 402 00:19:13.587 --> 00:19:14.805 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 403 00:19:17.243 --> 00:19:20.202 The overworked receptionist was like, "Next." 404 00:19:20.246 --> 00:19:23.162 I walk up. She's like, "What are you here for?" I was like, uh... 405 00:19:24.467 --> 00:19:26.730 [SOFTLY] "The condom broke." 406 00:19:26.774 --> 00:19:29.559 And she was like, "Oh, were you raped?" 407 00:19:29.603 --> 00:19:33.084 I was like, "No, no, no! Longtime boyfriend. Longtime boyfriend. 408 00:19:33.128 --> 00:19:35.957 I just I think I need that, like, plan B thing." 409 00:19:37.785 --> 00:19:42.050 And then she looked at me, like, "What the fuck are you doing here?" 410 00:19:42.093 --> 00:19:45.184 But then, like the beautiful Meg Ryan from City of Angels, 411 00:19:45.227 --> 00:19:47.708 she just reached into her pocket and gave me plan B 412 00:19:47.751 --> 00:19:50.406 like it was two women passing a tampon in a bathroom. 413 00:19:51.277 --> 00:19:52.321 It was so beautiful. 414 00:19:53.279 --> 00:19:55.237 I'm gonna start doing that. 415 00:19:55.281 --> 00:19:56.543 Just carrying plan B on me. 416 00:19:56.586 --> 00:19:59.067 Like, "You look sad. Here you go." 417 00:19:59.110 --> 00:20:01.069 Here you go. That's not gonna work that relationship. 418 00:20:01.112 --> 00:20:02.549 You're young. You're just a little 12-year-old. 419 00:20:02.592 --> 00:20:03.854 You're gonna need this one day." 420 00:20:03.898 --> 00:20:06.161 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 421 00:20:06.205 --> 00:20:09.295 I'm kidding. I'm kidding. I don't do that. They're $50 a pop. Fuck you. 422 00:20:12.428 --> 00:20:14.517 She probably never gave me a plan B, guys. 423 00:20:14.561 --> 00:20:16.302 She probably just gave me a Tic Tac. 424 00:20:16.345 --> 00:20:17.694 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 425 00:20:20.610 --> 00:20:22.525 I probably never had sex, guys. 426 00:20:24.135 --> 00:20:25.136 I don't know. 427 00:20:26.921 --> 00:20:29.010 I have a song for you about it. Do you want to hear it? 428 00:20:29.053 --> 00:20:31.708 -[CLAPPING] -Oh, yeah. Now you have to know 429 00:20:31.752 --> 00:20:33.623 that I'm going back to my country roots. 430 00:20:33.667 --> 00:20:35.321 You know, because I'm so country. 431 00:20:37.453 --> 00:20:39.586 I am not country at all. If you don't know me. 432 00:20:39.629 --> 00:20:42.806 I did a thing on Instagram, I was like, "Do you guys want a country song 433 00:20:42.850 --> 00:20:46.332 on my next comedy special?" And people were like, "Yeah." I think they wanted me to fail. 434 00:20:46.375 --> 00:20:49.509 Uh, it's okay. All right. Hit it, Kenny! 435 00:20:50.292 --> 00:20:51.946 [COUNTRY MUSIC PLAYING] 436 00:20:51.989 --> 00:20:55.210 All right. This is my country song about why dicks are gross. 437 00:20:56.080 --> 00:20:57.125 They're gross! 438 00:20:57.168 --> 00:20:58.474 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 439 00:21:03.914 --> 00:21:08.179 ♪ I see you looking at me From across the bar 440 00:21:08.223 --> 00:21:11.226 ♪ I made you a drink Think we'll get real far 441 00:21:11.270 --> 00:21:14.969 ♪ But there's something You should know Before we get into bed 442 00:21:15.012 --> 00:21:18.886 ♪ I suck at sex And I don't give head 443 00:21:18.929 --> 00:21:22.324 ♪ I don't want a gross dick Gross dick, gross dick 444 00:21:22.368 --> 00:21:25.109 ♪ I don't want A gross dick at all 445 00:21:25.153 --> 00:21:29.505 ♪ So I'm gonna lay here Like a dead fish Dead fish, dead fish 446 00:21:29.549 --> 00:21:32.334 ♪ Till your dick Gets real small 447 00:21:32.378 --> 00:21:34.075 ♪ 'Cause the smaller The better 448 00:21:34.118 --> 00:21:35.859 ♪ I ain't getting nowhere 449 00:21:36.773 --> 00:21:38.601 ♪ Please just come and go home 450 00:21:40.211 --> 00:21:44.738 ♪ Guess I'll start to fake moan Ah, ah, ah 451 00:21:44.781 --> 00:21:46.914 ♪ But seriously Are you finished yet? 452 00:21:46.957 --> 00:21:50.657 ♪ I don't like a gross dick Gross dick, gross dick 453 00:21:50.700 --> 00:21:53.573 ♪ I don't like A gross dick at all 454 00:21:53.616 --> 00:21:57.794 ♪ So can you just make it Real quick, real quick real quick 455 00:21:57.838 --> 00:22:00.362 ♪ Imagine he had one big ball 456 00:22:00.406 --> 00:22:01.842 ♪ What? No, for real 457 00:22:01.885 --> 00:22:04.975 ♪ He had one giant ball One tiny testicle 458 00:22:05.019 --> 00:22:08.414 ♪ He had two balls This one was huge 459 00:22:08.457 --> 00:22:12.200 ♪ Because I don't want Your gross dick Gross dick, gross dick 460 00:22:12.243 --> 00:22:15.203 ♪ I don't want Your gross dick at all 461 00:22:15.246 --> 00:22:17.379 ♪ Hey, don't touch my hair 462 00:22:17.423 --> 00:22:19.381 ♪ Why is your dick square? 463 00:22:19.425 --> 00:22:22.906 ♪ It's a small, square dick Square dance, so sing with me 464 00:22:22.950 --> 00:22:26.432 ♪ I don't want your gross dick Gross dick, gross dick 465 00:22:26.475 --> 00:22:30.000 ♪ I don't want Your gross dick at all 466 00:22:30.044 --> 00:22:33.700 ♪ I don't want your gross dick Gross dick, gross dick 467 00:22:33.743 --> 00:22:35.745 ♪ I don't want your Gross dick at all ♪ 468 00:22:36.485 --> 00:22:37.921 ♪ Gross 469 00:22:37.965 --> 00:22:39.749 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING AND APPLAUDING] 470 00:22:49.063 --> 00:22:51.326 I'd rather dance than suck a dick. 471 00:22:51.892 --> 00:22:53.546 [EXHALES] 472 00:22:53.589 --> 00:22:56.462 Same amount of calories, right? I don't know. 473 00:22:56.505 --> 00:22:59.247 I actually used to be a dance teacher if you couldn't tell. 474 00:23:01.031 --> 00:23:03.730 I just taught little kids how to grind. I'm like, "Twerk it." 475 00:23:03.773 --> 00:23:05.253 [GRUNTS] "Yeah, little kids." 476 00:23:06.776 --> 00:23:09.953 TikTok is my fault. 477 00:23:09.997 --> 00:23:13.087 I was really good at my job, teaching kids how to be sexy, so good at it. 478 00:23:15.829 --> 00:23:19.572 I actually knew when it was time to retire or quit 479 00:23:19.615 --> 00:23:22.662 because a little six-year-old girl came up to me 480 00:23:22.705 --> 00:23:26.622 and she was like, "Miss Kim, do you have any kids?" 481 00:23:26.666 --> 00:23:30.757 And I was like, "Gross. No! No, never. Ugh." 482 00:23:30.800 --> 00:23:33.412 And she was like, "Well, I think you'd make a great stepmom." 483 00:23:34.108 --> 00:23:35.457 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 484 00:23:36.197 --> 00:23:38.634 She said stepmom! 485 00:23:38.678 --> 00:23:40.462 Like, she looked at me and was like, 486 00:23:40.506 --> 00:23:44.074 "Yeah, you don't look like you can take care of a human being 24/7. 487 00:23:44.118 --> 00:23:47.295 But you do look like you could convince my dad to go to Legoland." 488 00:23:48.862 --> 00:23:50.951 She's not wrong. 489 00:23:50.994 --> 00:23:52.909 Either that or her parents are getting a divorce, 490 00:23:52.953 --> 00:23:55.477 and she's just shopping around for a new mom. 491 00:23:55.521 --> 00:23:57.566 Either way, smartest six-year-old I've ever met. 492 00:23:58.262 --> 00:24:00.526 [EXHALES] 493 00:24:00.569 --> 00:24:04.704 Like I said, California was locked down for, like, almost two years fully. 494 00:24:04.747 --> 00:24:06.793 We weren't allowed do anything. No working-- 495 00:24:06.836 --> 00:24:09.186 Well, there was essential jobs, right? 496 00:24:09.230 --> 00:24:11.885 I got so bored that I got an essential job. 497 00:24:13.234 --> 00:24:14.322 I got a job at the Gap. 498 00:24:16.019 --> 00:24:18.152 Why was that essential? 499 00:24:18.195 --> 00:24:22.069 You sell khakis, order them online, nobody cares. 500 00:24:22.112 --> 00:24:26.856 And I haven't had a retail job in a very long time. 501 00:24:26.900 --> 00:24:29.206 Which means I haven't watched a training video 502 00:24:30.033 --> 00:24:31.731 in forever. 503 00:24:31.774 --> 00:24:34.821 They're so different now. Have you guys seen them? They're weird. 504 00:24:34.864 --> 00:24:36.736 They're super woke. So woke. 505 00:24:36.779 --> 00:24:40.653 They wanted to make sure that we knew to, like, identify people properly. 506 00:24:40.696 --> 00:24:43.351 To make everyone feel inclusive, use the proper pronouns 507 00:24:43.394 --> 00:24:45.440 as they came through the store. 508 00:24:45.484 --> 00:24:47.094 And I was like, "Okay, I got this." 509 00:24:47.137 --> 00:24:49.836 I was basically raised by my gay older brother in the '90s. 510 00:24:49.879 --> 00:24:51.402 No problem. 511 00:24:51.446 --> 00:24:53.448 Stand in front of the Gap. I'm in the store, 512 00:24:53.492 --> 00:24:55.972 they're coming in, and I'm like, "Hey, welcome to the Gap. 513 00:24:56.016 --> 00:24:58.671 The men's department upstairs and the women's is behind me." 514 00:24:59.976 --> 00:25:02.588 There's no "them, they" sections at the Gap. 515 00:25:02.631 --> 00:25:05.025 You're not woke. Stop lying to yourselves, 516 00:25:05.765 --> 00:25:07.114 your a company! 517 00:25:08.463 --> 00:25:10.770 And they had this thing called core values. 518 00:25:10.813 --> 00:25:12.554 It's like, I don't know, 519 00:25:12.598 --> 00:25:14.338 it's like a corporate thing where you, like, have to know these, 520 00:25:14.382 --> 00:25:16.297 like, words to live by, I guess. 521 00:25:17.428 --> 00:25:19.822 Number three was, "We always say yes." 522 00:25:24.392 --> 00:25:26.002 I'm sorry. 523 00:25:26.046 --> 00:25:29.092 As a woman, I have a hard time with that. 524 00:25:30.659 --> 00:25:33.096 Law and order SVU taught me that my "no" has value. 525 00:25:33.749 --> 00:25:35.142 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 526 00:25:36.360 --> 00:25:37.666 I was up in the men's department one day 527 00:25:37.710 --> 00:25:41.148 and a guy asked for a BJ, and I did not say yes. 528 00:25:41.191 --> 00:25:44.847 And they had mass training videos and I get we're in a pandemic, I get it. 529 00:25:44.891 --> 00:25:47.981 But it was like what I remember old training videos to be. 530 00:25:48.024 --> 00:25:51.550 It was like an over-chipper actor who just got his first job. 531 00:25:51.593 --> 00:25:54.335 And you had to, like, get the right answer correct 532 00:25:54.378 --> 00:25:57.294 in order to move on to the next thing on the screen. 533 00:25:57.338 --> 00:26:00.863 So it was like, "Hey, what do you do if someone comes in 534 00:26:00.907 --> 00:26:03.300 and they don't want to wear their mask? 535 00:26:03.344 --> 00:26:05.694 Do you, one, block the entrance with your body? 536 00:26:07.609 --> 00:26:11.744 Or two, let them know that we have disposable masks to offer them. 537 00:26:11.787 --> 00:26:13.789 Or three, start videotaping them." 538 00:26:15.399 --> 00:26:16.966 I was like, it's three. It's clearly three. 539 00:26:17.010 --> 00:26:19.012 That's how we handle everything in this world. 540 00:26:20.317 --> 00:26:22.319 I was videotaping that fucking training video. 541 00:26:23.625 --> 00:26:24.583 So stupid. 542 00:26:27.150 --> 00:26:29.239 And I'm sure you've all experienced bad service 543 00:26:29.283 --> 00:26:31.198 in retail at some point in time in your life? 544 00:26:31.590 --> 00:26:32.591 Yes? 545 00:26:33.417 --> 00:26:34.418 I know why now. 546 00:26:35.942 --> 00:26:38.597 It's because all those participation trophy kids 547 00:26:39.336 --> 00:26:40.337 now have jobs, 548 00:26:42.688 --> 00:26:44.211 and they're the managers. 549 00:26:46.343 --> 00:26:48.955 My much younger manager than me came over and he was like, 550 00:26:48.998 --> 00:26:51.218 "Hey, can I ask you to do something?" 551 00:26:52.132 --> 00:26:53.655 "Can I?" I'm sorry. 552 00:26:53.699 --> 00:26:55.526 I'm from a generation where a job 553 00:26:55.570 --> 00:26:59.530 your boss tells you what to do and you do that thing for a paycheck. 554 00:26:59.574 --> 00:27:01.402 That is a job. 555 00:27:01.445 --> 00:27:04.448 He was like, "Oh, you don't have to if you don't want to." 556 00:27:04.492 --> 00:27:05.624 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 557 00:27:05.667 --> 00:27:06.886 Of course, I don't want to. 558 00:27:06.929 --> 00:27:08.452 Nobody wants to work at the Gap. 559 00:27:08.496 --> 00:27:10.324 What I want is the world to open up again. 560 00:27:10.367 --> 00:27:11.499 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 561 00:27:13.632 --> 00:27:17.287 But I put on my actor panties, and I was like, 562 00:27:17.331 --> 00:27:18.593 "What do you want me to do?" 563 00:27:19.246 --> 00:27:20.813 And he was like, 564 00:27:20.856 --> 00:27:23.685 "Uh, could you fold the shirts in the front of the store?" 565 00:27:23.729 --> 00:27:25.774 Isn't that why you hire people for at the Gap? 566 00:27:25.818 --> 00:27:27.297 Why are you asking me to do that? 567 00:27:27.341 --> 00:27:28.864 I got paid $18 an hour 568 00:27:28.908 --> 00:27:31.432 to do something I do for free at home all the time. 569 00:27:31.475 --> 00:27:32.694 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 570 00:27:32.738 --> 00:27:34.000 Way too much money! 571 00:27:36.655 --> 00:27:38.569 I should say I like their hoodies though. 572 00:27:38.613 --> 00:27:40.702 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 573 00:27:40.746 --> 00:27:43.531 I really like their hoodies. Gap, I'm really hoping you let me keep my discount. 574 00:27:45.925 --> 00:27:48.318 I like your hoodies and your sweats and leggings, okay. 575 00:27:50.886 --> 00:27:52.235 I have a transgender cat. 576 00:27:53.846 --> 00:27:56.326 Thank you. I'm so brave to tell you how woke I am. 577 00:27:57.763 --> 00:27:59.286 So brave. 578 00:27:59.329 --> 00:28:01.375 No, I do. I have a transgender cat. 579 00:28:01.418 --> 00:28:03.116 Mr. Kitty Kitty. 580 00:28:03.159 --> 00:28:06.467 He's now the cat formerly known as Mister. 581 00:28:06.510 --> 00:28:08.861 I shouldn't have assigned him a gender, that is on me. 582 00:28:08.904 --> 00:28:10.993 I didn't know that at the time, I really didn't. 583 00:28:11.037 --> 00:28:14.388 Uh, but what happened was, he couldn't pee. 584 00:28:14.431 --> 00:28:17.086 Took him to the vet, and he had crystals in his dick. 585 00:28:17.130 --> 00:28:18.697 This is a real thing, a real problem. 586 00:28:20.046 --> 00:28:23.571 And the only way to save my cat's life 587 00:28:23.614 --> 00:28:27.749 was to cut off his dick, and turn him into a woman. 588 00:28:27.793 --> 00:28:30.143 That's a real thing my vet did to my cat. 589 00:28:30.186 --> 00:28:31.884 He cut off his dick and turned him into a woman. 590 00:28:31.927 --> 00:28:34.147 I now have my very own Cat-lyn Jenner. 591 00:28:35.104 --> 00:28:36.758 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 592 00:28:36.802 --> 00:28:37.977 [AUDIENCE CLAPPING] 593 00:28:41.241 --> 00:28:43.722 I do. I have a Cat-lyn. 594 00:28:44.897 --> 00:28:46.768 I will say that having a transgender cat 595 00:28:46.812 --> 00:28:49.771 is a lot like being raised by a gay older brother. 596 00:28:49.815 --> 00:28:52.034 In that, nobody cares. [CHUCKLES] 597 00:28:52.078 --> 00:28:54.776 Nobody cares, nobody cares if this cat is trans. 598 00:28:54.820 --> 00:28:57.083 It's not like this cat came out in a little lady dress 599 00:28:57.126 --> 00:28:59.999 like my brother Patrick did at my eighth grade graduation. 600 00:29:01.565 --> 00:29:03.089 People noticed that one. 601 00:29:04.394 --> 00:29:07.049 He didn't change up his walks or his meows. 602 00:29:07.093 --> 00:29:09.791 He didn't even change what litterbox he goes to. 603 00:29:09.835 --> 00:29:12.359 And I have another cat who has been female her whole life. 604 00:29:12.402 --> 00:29:16.145 And she has no problem with him switching bathrooms or going back and forth. 605 00:29:16.189 --> 00:29:18.844 What I'm trying to say is cats are way more woke than people. 606 00:29:19.366 --> 00:29:21.455 Way more woke! 607 00:29:21.498 --> 00:29:24.153 And they've never hit somebody with their car and killed them. 608 00:29:28.723 --> 00:29:30.725 My mom says I can be gay now. 609 00:29:32.031 --> 00:29:33.467 Married to man, by the way. 610 00:29:35.295 --> 00:29:36.644 But now I can be gay. 611 00:29:37.732 --> 00:29:39.734 And growing up in the '90s, 612 00:29:39.778 --> 00:29:42.650 I was under the impression that there was only one gay allowed per family. 613 00:29:44.608 --> 00:29:47.786 And that spot was already filled by my brother Patrick. 614 00:29:47.829 --> 00:29:51.354 Very fabulously, by the way. He was so good at it. 615 00:29:51.398 --> 00:29:54.270 And we were very accepting, very, very accepting when he came out. 616 00:29:54.314 --> 00:29:56.533 Like, my family was the house 617 00:29:56.577 --> 00:29:58.971 that other people who weren't accepted in their families would come and live with us. 618 00:29:59.014 --> 00:30:00.624 It was very nice. 619 00:30:00.668 --> 00:30:03.062 I actually think my mom enjoyed the street cred it gave her. 620 00:30:03.105 --> 00:30:05.847 Yeah, people would come over, and the suburban moms would be like, 621 00:30:05.891 --> 00:30:08.371 "Oh, Donna, I love your kitchen's backsplash." 622 00:30:08.415 --> 00:30:10.852 And she'd be like, "Oh, my gay son Patrick did that." 623 00:30:12.419 --> 00:30:13.637 "Donna, I love your outfit." 624 00:30:13.681 --> 00:30:16.162 "Oh, my gay son Patrick picked that out." 625 00:30:16.205 --> 00:30:17.903 "Donna, I love your cheese platter." 626 00:30:17.946 --> 00:30:20.557 "Oh, my gay son Patrick did that." 627 00:30:20.601 --> 00:30:23.299 She didn't call him her gay son, that'd be really fucked up. 628 00:30:23.343 --> 00:30:25.998 She wasn't like, "This is my gay son, this is my straight son, 629 00:30:26.041 --> 00:30:27.651 and this is my daughter, Kimberly." 630 00:30:31.525 --> 00:30:33.179 I only like saying that 631 00:30:33.222 --> 00:30:35.834 'cause I never mention that I also have a sister named Tammy. 632 00:30:35.877 --> 00:30:40.186 Ha-ha! I got you again, Tammy. Ha! Suck it! 633 00:30:41.622 --> 00:30:42.971 She'll never get a joke. 634 00:30:44.538 --> 00:30:45.669 [GIGGLES] 635 00:30:47.671 --> 00:30:49.804 Brings me so much joy, guys. You have no idea. 636 00:30:49.848 --> 00:30:51.588 Such a rivalry. [CHUCKLES] 637 00:30:51.632 --> 00:30:53.895 Anyways, we were like, driving to high school, my mom and I, 638 00:30:53.939 --> 00:30:55.723 and she leans over to me and she's like, 639 00:30:55.766 --> 00:30:57.986 "You know we already have a gay kid, right?" 640 00:30:58.030 --> 00:31:00.597 And I was like, "Yeah, but I'm not gay, mom." 641 00:31:00.641 --> 00:31:02.251 And then it was dropped, right? 642 00:31:02.295 --> 00:31:05.559 And then, years later, my brother died, we'll get into that. 643 00:31:06.952 --> 00:31:09.345 So now, I can be gay, right? 644 00:31:09.389 --> 00:31:12.827 Like, my mom is completely fine with all four of her children being gay. 645 00:31:12.871 --> 00:31:15.177 We just can't be gay at the same time. 646 00:31:15.221 --> 00:31:17.919 Right? Like, her generation is like, one gay kid, super woke, 647 00:31:17.963 --> 00:31:19.747 two gay kids, it's your fault. I don't know. 648 00:31:19.790 --> 00:31:22.141 Maybe that's your generation. 649 00:31:22.184 --> 00:31:24.665 Either way, I have the gay baton right now. 650 00:31:24.708 --> 00:31:26.928 I'm supposed to twirl it over to my brother, Sean, 651 00:31:26.972 --> 00:31:28.408 and he's been in prison, so let's face it, 652 00:31:28.451 --> 00:31:30.062 he's probably already used that stick. 653 00:31:33.282 --> 00:31:34.718 Yeah. 654 00:31:37.852 --> 00:31:39.201 [SIGHING] 655 00:31:40.420 --> 00:31:43.205 I'm just-- I'm debating on-- 656 00:31:43.249 --> 00:31:46.034 Do you guys want to get into like, dark comedy? 657 00:31:46.078 --> 00:31:48.036 -AUDIENCE: Yes! -Are you sure? Do you like-- 658 00:31:48.080 --> 00:31:50.909 It's so Los Angeles of me to be like, "Do you guys want rape jokes?" 659 00:31:50.952 --> 00:31:52.693 I should be like, "Just take these rape jokes! 660 00:31:52.736 --> 00:31:54.608 It's a rape joke. Don't ask permission!" 661 00:31:57.437 --> 00:31:59.874 I don't have rape jokes, guys. 662 00:31:59.918 --> 00:32:02.746 This was just a test to see if you actually wanted dark comedy. 663 00:32:04.096 --> 00:32:06.489 Half of you passed. 664 00:32:06.533 --> 00:32:09.666 The other half just jumped on board. [CHUCKLES] 665 00:32:09.710 --> 00:32:11.016 Or not, we'll see. 666 00:32:13.235 --> 00:32:17.587 Like I said, my brother passed away of A-I-D-S. 667 00:32:17.631 --> 00:32:20.939 I find it's easier for people to digest it if I spell it for you. 668 00:32:22.549 --> 00:32:24.420 It's actually more fun if we chant it. 669 00:32:25.769 --> 00:32:27.554 -Give me an "A"! -AUDIENCE: "A"! 670 00:32:27.597 --> 00:32:29.164 -Give me an "I"! -AUDIENCE: "I"! 671 00:32:29.208 --> 00:32:30.557 -Give me a "D"! -AUDIENCE: "D"! 672 00:32:30.600 --> 00:32:32.124 -Give me an "S"! -AUDIENCE: "S" 673 00:32:32.167 --> 00:32:33.255 What's that spell? 674 00:32:33.299 --> 00:32:34.343 AUDIENCE: AIDS! 675 00:32:34.387 --> 00:32:35.954 -What was incurable? -AUDIENCE: AIDS. 676 00:32:35.997 --> 00:32:37.781 -What did he have? -AUDIENCE: AIDS. 677 00:32:37.825 --> 00:32:41.220 Where did he go? Nobody knows because I don't believe in an afterlife. 678 00:32:41.263 --> 00:32:44.397 Patrick would've fucking loved you for doing that, by the way. 679 00:32:44.440 --> 00:32:46.921 He would've loved you. 680 00:32:46.965 --> 00:32:50.707 And if you didn't, you're never gonna get the opportunity to again. 681 00:32:51.273 --> 00:32:52.796 You missed it. 682 00:32:52.840 --> 00:32:55.016 You're not gonna go out on the street and someone's like, 683 00:32:55.060 --> 00:32:56.104 "Give me an 'A'". 684 00:33:00.413 --> 00:33:02.937 It's such a word that people are so afraid to talk about. 685 00:33:02.981 --> 00:33:05.809 That's why I like chanting it, 'cause everyone's so afraid 686 00:33:05.853 --> 00:33:08.899 of all of the STD words, right? And AIDS is like the... 687 00:33:08.943 --> 00:33:10.771 And I think it's stupid, okay. 688 00:33:10.814 --> 00:33:14.644 Because there's like actually really beautiful moments that happened. 689 00:33:14.688 --> 00:33:16.603 Like for one, we knew it was coming. 690 00:33:16.646 --> 00:33:19.649 So we got to say goodbye. We got to have closure. 691 00:33:19.693 --> 00:33:21.695 Not everybody gets that with their loved ones. 692 00:33:22.957 --> 00:33:24.915 We also got to sit down and talk to him 693 00:33:24.959 --> 00:33:30.312 and he told me he was going to stick it to all the people that he hated. 694 00:33:30.356 --> 00:33:33.402 Which is nice to know you can leave that way, right? 695 00:33:33.446 --> 00:33:36.710 I never thought about just being an asshole to that bitch I hate. 696 00:33:36.753 --> 00:33:38.364 Like, what? 697 00:33:38.407 --> 00:33:40.583 Hopefully, he wore a condom, but that's on him. 698 00:33:43.934 --> 00:33:45.501 And I sat down with him 699 00:33:46.328 --> 00:33:48.287 to talk about his afterlife. 700 00:33:48.330 --> 00:33:50.941 And at first, I was afraid. 701 00:33:51.551 --> 00:33:52.987 I was petrified. 702 00:33:53.031 --> 00:33:55.120 Kept thinking-- I'm not singing, you guys. 703 00:33:55.163 --> 00:33:58.166 That song... Not singing it. 704 00:33:58.210 --> 00:34:00.125 No, my brother, he didn't want a funeral. 705 00:34:00.168 --> 00:34:01.996 He wanted a celebration of life. 706 00:34:02.040 --> 00:34:03.519 So gay! 707 00:34:03.563 --> 00:34:07.871 Hm. Yes! So gay. Celebration of life! Yes! 708 00:34:07.915 --> 00:34:10.700 And we gave him everything that he wanted. Everything that he wanted. 709 00:34:10.744 --> 00:34:12.659 I mean, he's my brother, I love him to death. 710 00:34:13.964 --> 00:34:16.663 Okay. I didn't love my brother to death, 711 00:34:16.706 --> 00:34:18.186 AIDS loved my brother to death. 712 00:34:18.230 --> 00:34:19.622 I just loved my brother. 713 00:34:22.190 --> 00:34:24.105 He wanted to have his celebration of life 714 00:34:24.149 --> 00:34:26.412 at his favorite gay karaoke bar in Toronto. 715 00:34:26.455 --> 00:34:28.457 And if you've never been to a place like this, 716 00:34:28.501 --> 00:34:29.893 there's like a bunch of men 717 00:34:29.937 --> 00:34:33.375 on go-go stands up here, go-go dancing in G-strings, 718 00:34:33.419 --> 00:34:36.248 while other men test the merchandize, if you know what I mean. 719 00:34:36.987 --> 00:34:38.250 It's one of those places. 720 00:34:39.251 --> 00:34:40.861 And we rented out the back room, 721 00:34:40.904 --> 00:34:42.993 no pun intended, that's just really what we did. 722 00:34:47.128 --> 00:34:48.434 And I go in with my mom, 723 00:34:48.477 --> 00:34:50.827 who is obviously upset, her son just passed away. 724 00:34:50.871 --> 00:34:52.090 We get into the back, 725 00:34:52.133 --> 00:34:55.005 and there are giant dick statues everywhere. 726 00:34:55.049 --> 00:34:57.921 Like, I'm talking down to the floor all the way up to the ceiling-- 727 00:34:57.965 --> 00:35:01.621 Huge dick statues, and I just lose it. 728 00:35:01.664 --> 00:35:04.363 I start laughing. I'm like, "Ha-ha-ha. 729 00:35:04.406 --> 00:35:08.106 Oh! I see what you did here, man! I see what you did." 730 00:35:08.149 --> 00:35:12.675 He had his funeral at a place people had to go to. 731 00:35:12.719 --> 00:35:16.418 My mom's suburban friends had to go to support my mom. 732 00:35:16.462 --> 00:35:20.248 These are people who have never been to a gay bar before. 733 00:35:20.292 --> 00:35:23.425 I was just taking pictures with Connie with a giant dick behind her. 734 00:35:23.469 --> 00:35:26.907 Like, ha-ha! Gotcha! Ha-ha. 735 00:35:28.126 --> 00:35:29.127 Yes! 736 00:35:33.043 --> 00:35:36.569 Like, the only way I could beat my brother at a funeral 737 00:35:36.612 --> 00:35:38.223 is if I had mine at an orgy. 738 00:35:39.920 --> 00:35:42.575 Right? My uncle will be like, "Yeah, let's go!" 739 00:35:42.618 --> 00:35:45.708 And my aunt will be like, "I don't know, I guess I'll bring flowers." 740 00:35:47.319 --> 00:35:51.192 Why do we do that? Why do we bring flowers to funerals? 741 00:35:51.236 --> 00:35:53.499 Here's something that's gonna pass away in two weeks 742 00:35:53.542 --> 00:35:56.284 to remind you of what you've just been through. 743 00:35:56.328 --> 00:35:59.244 Stop doing it! Stop! Just Venmo them, it's fine. 744 00:36:02.595 --> 00:36:05.293 And like I said, we knew that he was going to die. 745 00:36:05.337 --> 00:36:07.730 So he gave me all his passwords to stuff. 746 00:36:07.774 --> 00:36:09.515 So I created a Facebook e-vite. 747 00:36:09.558 --> 00:36:11.865 And this was back when Facebook was called Facebook. 748 00:36:11.908 --> 00:36:13.214 [CHUCKLES] 749 00:36:13.258 --> 00:36:15.608 And I invited everyone 750 00:36:15.651 --> 00:36:17.784 in his thing, called it a "Celebration of Life", 751 00:36:17.827 --> 00:36:21.353 'cause there's probably people I don't know in his life, so I invited everybody. 752 00:36:21.396 --> 00:36:24.225 So we're at his funeral, and this guy comes in. 753 00:36:24.269 --> 00:36:26.096 And he comes up to me and he goes, 754 00:36:26.140 --> 00:36:29.187 "Where's Patrick, where's the birthday boy?" 755 00:36:30.971 --> 00:36:32.364 Celebration of Life. 756 00:36:33.582 --> 00:36:35.236 Before I could say anything to him, 757 00:36:35.280 --> 00:36:37.586 he was like, "I was talking to him online, 758 00:36:37.630 --> 00:36:39.719 and he stopped talking back to me two weeks ago, 759 00:36:39.762 --> 00:36:41.329 I thought he was ghosting me." 760 00:36:42.852 --> 00:36:44.985 [EXHALES] 761 00:36:45.028 --> 00:36:47.205 I am not the right person in this moment. 762 00:36:49.032 --> 00:36:51.252 My brother just passed away, I'm upset. 763 00:36:51.296 --> 00:36:53.515 Also, I'm me, you know me now. [CHUCKLES] 764 00:36:55.343 --> 00:36:56.736 I looked at him and I was like, 765 00:36:57.519 --> 00:36:58.955 "You were ghosted. 766 00:36:59.913 --> 00:37:01.306 You might say you were ghosted, 767 00:37:01.349 --> 00:37:03.438 you were like, originally ghosted, ay! 768 00:37:03.482 --> 00:37:06.224 Patrick passed away, I'm so sorry, here's two drink tickets." 769 00:37:08.530 --> 00:37:11.316 I just walked away 'cause that's how I handle everything in life. 770 00:37:11.359 --> 00:37:14.275 I'm like, "Just drink! It'll be okay, forget about it!" 771 00:37:14.319 --> 00:37:15.929 Also, that was how Patrick was too. 772 00:37:15.972 --> 00:37:17.409 So if you have a drink right now, 773 00:37:17.452 --> 00:37:20.107 have a drink for Patrick, let's do it! 774 00:37:20.150 --> 00:37:22.544 Yeah, put your glasses up for Patrick. 775 00:37:22.588 --> 00:37:24.067 [APPLAUSE] 776 00:37:27.462 --> 00:37:30.160 Man, he loved to party. So do I. 777 00:37:30.204 --> 00:37:32.815 So let's party! Hit it, Kenny! 778 00:37:32.859 --> 00:37:36.210 -[UPBEAT HIP-HOP MUSIC PLAYING] -Yeah! [GRUNTS] What! 779 00:37:40.910 --> 00:37:43.086 ♪ Drink, drink, drink Drunk, drunk, drunk 780 00:37:43.130 --> 00:37:45.219 ♪ Everybody It's time to get... 781 00:37:45.263 --> 00:37:49.005 ♪ Get loose, get sloppy Let's dance a little floppy 782 00:37:50.485 --> 00:37:51.486 ♪ What! 783 00:37:52.313 --> 00:37:53.532 ♪ Flop-flop 784 00:37:54.837 --> 00:37:57.536 ♪ Get floppy Flop, flop 785 00:37:57.579 --> 00:37:59.799 ♪ Drink, drink, drink Drunk, drunk, drunk 786 00:37:59.842 --> 00:38:01.844 ♪ Everybody It's time to get... 787 00:38:01.888 --> 00:38:05.587 ♪ Get loose, get sloppy Let's dance a little floppy 788 00:38:09.591 --> 00:38:10.810 ♪ Flop-flop 789 00:38:12.246 --> 00:38:14.379 ♪ Flop-flop Get floppy ♪ 790 00:38:15.815 --> 00:38:17.425 [AUDIENCE CHEERING] 791 00:38:19.166 --> 00:38:20.994 Whoo! 792 00:38:21.037 --> 00:38:22.169 Flop it out! 793 00:38:23.475 --> 00:38:25.390 [EXHALES] Like I said, I like drinking a lot. 794 00:38:26.956 --> 00:38:30.351 And I've been watching a lot of old '90s Disney movies. 795 00:38:30.395 --> 00:38:33.354 We all watch weird shit during the pandemic, right? 796 00:38:33.398 --> 00:38:36.488 I think that all the old Disney movies 797 00:38:36.531 --> 00:38:39.882 just set women up for what their drinking lives are gonna be like. 798 00:38:40.927 --> 00:38:42.842 They do! 799 00:38:42.885 --> 00:38:46.062 Take a classic, Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs, right? 800 00:38:46.106 --> 00:38:48.978 Clearly, all the dwarfs are the men you're gonna meet at the bar. 801 00:38:50.197 --> 00:38:51.241 Right? 802 00:38:51.285 --> 00:38:52.808 Doc. Mansplainer. 803 00:38:54.767 --> 00:38:58.118 Dopey's the guy who doesn't realize you're not into him. 804 00:38:58.161 --> 00:39:02.383 Bashful is the creepy guy in the corner who just stares at you. 805 00:39:02.427 --> 00:39:06.431 Grumpy is the guy who just lost his dodgeball game so he's at the bar. 806 00:39:06.474 --> 00:39:09.172 Happy is the guy with too much MDMA in his pocket. 807 00:39:09.216 --> 00:39:10.739 Sleepy is the guy who's passed out. 808 00:39:10.783 --> 00:39:13.046 And Sneezy is the guy with late stages of gonorrhea. 809 00:39:14.961 --> 00:39:16.963 That's a real symptom, be afraid. 810 00:39:17.006 --> 00:39:18.356 Watch out! [CHUCKLES] 811 00:39:20.358 --> 00:39:22.098 But then there's also the Queen, right? 812 00:39:22.142 --> 00:39:24.013 The Queen. That's the bitch at the bar 813 00:39:24.057 --> 00:39:27.103 who can't handle when anyone is talking about anything other than her. 814 00:39:27.147 --> 00:39:28.278 We all know who that is. 815 00:39:28.322 --> 00:39:29.976 If you don't, it's you. [CHUCKLES] 816 00:39:31.804 --> 00:39:34.241 But then, what do women do when we go out, ladies? What do we do? 817 00:39:34.284 --> 00:39:36.112 We go to the bathroom. 818 00:39:36.156 --> 00:39:39.202 What's in the bathroom? The fucking mirror. Right? 819 00:39:39.246 --> 00:39:41.422 That thing will tell you you're not the fairest of them all, 820 00:39:41.466 --> 00:39:44.207 that there's a much younger, prettier version of you out there, 821 00:39:44.251 --> 00:39:47.210 and your mascara's running down your face, maybe it's time to go home. 822 00:39:48.908 --> 00:39:51.476 That's a fairy tale, which means there's a prince. 823 00:39:55.088 --> 00:39:57.046 That's the one nice guy at the bar. 824 00:39:57.438 --> 00:39:59.135 One. 825 00:39:59.179 --> 00:40:01.442 He might pretend to listen to you. 826 00:40:01.486 --> 00:40:03.444 Shit, he might even give you eye contact. 827 00:40:04.184 --> 00:40:06.012 Dream, what a dream. 828 00:40:06.055 --> 00:40:09.189 He's also the first guy to make out with you as soon as you pass out. 829 00:40:09.232 --> 00:40:11.234 What a nightmare! They're all nightmares. 830 00:40:11.278 --> 00:40:13.802 They're all nightmares, right? Cinderella,another one, 831 00:40:13.846 --> 00:40:16.588 teaches you that you can go to the bar all hot, 832 00:40:16.631 --> 00:40:17.937 as soon as it strikes midnight, 833 00:40:17.980 --> 00:40:19.460 you lost a shoe, you're limping around, 834 00:40:19.504 --> 00:40:21.897 you're a sweaty mess with half your tampon hanging out. 835 00:40:26.902 --> 00:40:28.817 Ariel. 836 00:40:28.861 --> 00:40:33.866 That one teaches you that you can get so shit faced you can't speak. 837 00:40:33.909 --> 00:40:36.216 But as long as you're hot, you will still get laid. 838 00:40:36.259 --> 00:40:38.479 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 839 00:40:38.523 --> 00:40:41.351 And can we just admit that Ursula is not a villain? 840 00:40:41.395 --> 00:40:44.006 She's not. Ariel asked for legs. 841 00:40:44.050 --> 00:40:48.620 Ursula gave her fucking tan-a-thigh gap beautiful long legs. 842 00:40:48.663 --> 00:40:51.666 She could've given her fucking chicken nugget chub-rub legs. 843 00:40:51.710 --> 00:40:52.841 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 844 00:40:54.147 --> 00:40:55.627 That's a nice person. 845 00:40:57.019 --> 00:40:58.020 Those-- I wish... 846 00:40:59.326 --> 00:41:00.327 Right? 847 00:41:02.677 --> 00:41:04.592 Sleeping Beauty. 848 00:41:04.636 --> 00:41:07.943 Another one where a man makes out with a woman as soon as she passes out. 849 00:41:07.987 --> 00:41:11.077 What I'm saying, our bars are a nightmare for women! They're nightmares! 850 00:41:13.819 --> 00:41:15.081 For single women. 851 00:41:16.648 --> 00:41:17.736 As a married woman, 852 00:41:18.563 --> 00:41:19.564 it sounds like a dream. 853 00:41:20.303 --> 00:41:22.088 Right? 854 00:41:22.131 --> 00:41:25.613 If my husband gave me a kiss while I was asleep... that's so sweet. 855 00:41:25.657 --> 00:41:28.529 Shit. I'd let him fuck me while we were asleep. 856 00:41:28.573 --> 00:41:30.531 I would. He'd be happy he got to have sex, 857 00:41:30.575 --> 00:41:32.533 I'd be happy I didn't have to participate. 858 00:41:32.577 --> 00:41:34.056 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 859 00:41:34.100 --> 00:41:35.623 That's what dreams are made out of. 860 00:41:37.277 --> 00:41:39.105 But if he wakes me up, that's rape. 861 00:41:39.148 --> 00:41:40.715 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 862 00:41:42.325 --> 00:41:44.327 I did get a rape joke in there. You're welcome. 863 00:41:44.371 --> 00:41:46.808 -Hey! Yeah! -[AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 864 00:41:46.852 --> 00:41:47.853 Yeah! 865 00:41:50.159 --> 00:41:52.248 My mom's out here tonight. 866 00:41:52.292 --> 00:41:55.164 She lives in Florida, towards Orlando, and she lives in, like, 867 00:41:55.208 --> 00:42:00.213 this 65-and-over community half of the time. You know, like most retirees. 868 00:42:00.256 --> 00:42:05.218 And she called me and she was like, "Kim, a woman got arrested." 869 00:42:05.261 --> 00:42:07.873 I was like, " What? In a 65-and-over community?" 870 00:42:07.916 --> 00:42:10.571 She's like, "Yeah, a woman got arrested. 871 00:42:10.615 --> 00:42:14.357 She got caught doing a guy in the rec room." 872 00:42:14.401 --> 00:42:16.403 I was like, "More like rocky room, right, mom?" 873 00:42:17.535 --> 00:42:18.884 She's like, "Kimberly." 874 00:42:20.712 --> 00:42:24.629 Turns out... she's a prostitute! 875 00:42:24.672 --> 00:42:27.370 A 67-year-old prostitute! 876 00:42:28.110 --> 00:42:29.590 She is my hero! 877 00:42:29.634 --> 00:42:30.809 [AUDIENCE APPLAUDS] 878 00:42:30.852 --> 00:42:32.637 67! 879 00:42:32.680 --> 00:42:35.291 Are you kidding me? That is not a job you start in retirement age. 880 00:42:35.335 --> 00:42:37.424 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 881 00:42:37.467 --> 00:42:39.948 You start that job when you're 15 and your dad leaves 882 00:42:39.992 --> 00:42:41.689 or your uncle tickles you too much. 883 00:42:41.733 --> 00:42:43.169 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 884 00:42:45.780 --> 00:42:49.131 You know, they say you're a master at something after 10,000 hours, right? 885 00:42:49.175 --> 00:42:51.090 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 886 00:42:51.960 --> 00:42:53.266 I did the math. 887 00:42:53.309 --> 00:42:54.920 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 888 00:42:54.963 --> 00:42:57.183 If she started at 17... 889 00:42:57.226 --> 00:43:00.752 We'll give her the benefit of the doubt of almost graduating high school. 890 00:43:00.795 --> 00:43:07.106 If she started at 17, and she did 25 billable hours of prostitution a week... 891 00:43:07.149 --> 00:43:13.068 times 56 weeks, 50 years. That 70,000 billable hours of prostitution! 892 00:43:13.112 --> 00:43:15.984 -She's a super master! What? -WOMAN: Yes! 893 00:43:16.028 --> 00:43:18.160 Yeah, and she's so smart economically. 894 00:43:18.204 --> 00:43:22.425 She lives in a 65-and-over community at 67. That is like, freshman puss. 895 00:43:22.469 --> 00:43:23.644 She figured it out. 896 00:43:23.688 --> 00:43:24.645 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 897 00:43:25.559 --> 00:43:26.778 So smart. 898 00:43:29.171 --> 00:43:30.172 Genius. 899 00:43:33.001 --> 00:43:36.570 And I was like, "Mom, I have questions." 900 00:43:36.614 --> 00:43:39.791 And my mom is a single mom of four kids. She would do anything for us. 901 00:43:39.834 --> 00:43:41.749 So she's like, "My daughter wants to know... 902 00:43:43.011 --> 00:43:45.361 what did you do in your 50s?" 903 00:43:45.405 --> 00:43:48.538 Right? Like, what did she do when she wasn't the young, hot thing on the street? 904 00:43:48.582 --> 00:43:52.020 But she also couldn't work this economic genius that she has going on right now. 905 00:43:52.978 --> 00:43:54.980 Turns out she bought a house. 906 00:43:55.023 --> 00:43:58.723 And she did it through her house because she had all these repeat customers. 907 00:43:59.724 --> 00:44:00.855 All these fans. 908 00:44:01.726 --> 00:44:03.249 And this is before OnlyFans. 909 00:44:03.292 --> 00:44:05.643 This is like OG OnlyFans like boots on the ground, 910 00:44:05.686 --> 00:44:08.428 but off the bed fans, you know what I mean? 911 00:44:08.471 --> 00:44:10.909 Before the apps. This is word of mouth about her mouth. 912 00:44:11.736 --> 00:44:13.172 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 913 00:44:16.610 --> 00:44:18.264 But I was like, "But what does she do? 914 00:44:18.307 --> 00:44:21.659 Like, I'm so bad in bed. Like, what does she do?" 915 00:44:21.702 --> 00:44:24.749 Turns out... she's just really nice to the guys. 916 00:44:25.750 --> 00:44:27.447 Yeah, she says, "Good job." 917 00:44:27.490 --> 00:44:28.666 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 918 00:44:29.623 --> 00:44:31.538 And she listens. 919 00:44:31.581 --> 00:44:33.453 Something I've never done to my husband. 920 00:44:35.150 --> 00:44:36.978 [CHUCKLES] 921 00:44:37.022 --> 00:44:38.676 I never will. In case he's here. 922 00:44:38.719 --> 00:44:41.156 Uh, I don't know. 923 00:44:41.200 --> 00:44:43.942 I don't know if he's here, guys. I should. I don't. Uh... 924 00:44:43.985 --> 00:44:45.508 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 925 00:44:47.336 --> 00:44:50.731 So my mom, I love her. She's here tonight, guys. Whoo-hoo! Donna. 926 00:44:50.775 --> 00:44:52.559 [AUDIENCE CHEERING] 927 00:44:52.602 --> 00:44:54.735 My mom is my favorite person in the world. 928 00:44:54.779 --> 00:44:57.433 She's my favorite. She's-- Oh, what a gem. 929 00:44:57.477 --> 00:44:59.914 She did a Zoom meeting with all of her kids. 930 00:44:59.958 --> 00:45:02.395 Uh, because she wanted to go through her afterlife. 931 00:45:02.438 --> 00:45:05.354 You know, just in case something happens. So that we knew what to do. 932 00:45:05.398 --> 00:45:07.269 Passwords... It was so smart. 933 00:45:07.313 --> 00:45:11.143 And she had, like, a fucking spreadsheet of everything. Like such a CEO. 934 00:45:11.186 --> 00:45:14.755 And I just hit record because I knew I wasn't going to remember any of it. 935 00:45:14.799 --> 00:45:16.888 Uh, and then she goes, "Okay... 936 00:45:16.931 --> 00:45:19.499 now it's time to get to the practice funeral." 937 00:45:19.542 --> 00:45:21.109 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 938 00:45:21.153 --> 00:45:24.069 "What the fuck is a practice funeral, Mom? 939 00:45:24.112 --> 00:45:28.029 What the fuck is a Zoom practice funeral?" 940 00:45:28.073 --> 00:45:31.554 She was like, "Well, you know, I'm not going to be there to hear your eulogies." 941 00:45:31.598 --> 00:45:33.339 [AUDIENCE EXCLAIMS] 942 00:45:33.382 --> 00:45:35.645 This was my response. She was like, "I just want to hear them, 943 00:45:35.689 --> 00:45:37.430 you know, I want to make sure that they're good." 944 00:45:37.473 --> 00:45:38.910 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 945 00:45:43.305 --> 00:45:47.701 My mom is going to be a stage mom in the afterlife. 946 00:45:47.745 --> 00:45:49.790 What? People are like, "You have a stage, Mom?" 947 00:45:49.834 --> 00:45:52.097 Yeah, I wasn't a successful dancer at ten without one. 948 00:45:54.012 --> 00:45:56.449 Crazy. I was like, "All right. 949 00:45:56.492 --> 00:45:58.973 Uh, we're all gathered here today..." 950 00:45:59.017 --> 00:46:00.453 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 951 00:46:01.497 --> 00:46:03.673 "...on Zoom... 952 00:46:03.717 --> 00:46:06.589 to celebrate my not dead mother, Donna McCleary, 953 00:46:06.633 --> 00:46:09.375 who is a completely healthy 72-year-old. 954 00:46:10.680 --> 00:46:12.813 And praise her because she's so amazing. 955 00:46:12.857 --> 00:46:15.294 She really is. She did so much for all of us 956 00:46:15.337 --> 00:46:17.557 that we love her so much, that we're willing to do 957 00:46:17.600 --> 00:46:20.473 the stupidest things online for her." 958 00:46:20.516 --> 00:46:22.780 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 959 00:46:22.823 --> 00:46:26.261 And my mom was like, "Ha-ha-ha. Okay, but you forgot to mention..." 960 00:46:26.305 --> 00:46:28.873 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 961 00:46:28.916 --> 00:46:31.832 "...I used to be one of the highest ranking females in corporate America." 962 00:46:31.876 --> 00:46:33.442 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 963 00:46:33.486 --> 00:46:35.836 "I was a-- You know what? I'll just do it for ya." 964 00:46:37.359 --> 00:46:41.624 And then my mom performed her own eulogy to us. 965 00:46:41.668 --> 00:46:42.974 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 966 00:46:43.017 --> 00:46:44.802 I recorded this shit. 967 00:46:46.629 --> 00:46:49.850 She was like, "Oh, thank you, everybody, for coming..." 968 00:46:49.894 --> 00:46:51.634 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 969 00:46:53.419 --> 00:46:54.812 "...to celebrate me... 970 00:46:56.335 --> 00:46:57.640 Donna McCleary." 971 00:46:57.684 --> 00:47:00.252 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 972 00:47:00.295 --> 00:47:04.082 "I raised four beautiful children by myself, without a man. 973 00:47:04.125 --> 00:47:05.910 That's right. No child support. 974 00:47:05.953 --> 00:47:08.477 But don't worry, he died before me, so I'm winning." 975 00:47:08.521 --> 00:47:10.088 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 976 00:47:12.220 --> 00:47:15.223 "I was one of the highest ranking women in corporate America. 977 00:47:15.267 --> 00:47:18.574 I was a BC Lions dancer, and I still teach line dancing on the Zoom. 978 00:47:18.618 --> 00:47:21.926 Don't know how to use it, but I do know how to teach it. 979 00:47:21.969 --> 00:47:23.753 And, Crystal, your husband did try to hit on me. 980 00:47:23.797 --> 00:47:25.712 That's right. I still got these moves." 981 00:47:25.755 --> 00:47:27.583 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 982 00:47:27.627 --> 00:47:29.368 That's my mom's go to move. 983 00:47:30.021 --> 00:47:32.327 I love it. 984 00:47:32.371 --> 00:47:35.765 And you would think that, that would be the craziest part of the Zoom meeting. 985 00:47:36.331 --> 00:47:38.159 You would think, 986 00:47:38.203 --> 00:47:41.684 but then we got to the will. My portion of the will, right? 987 00:47:41.728 --> 00:47:43.556 And I'm the only one who lives in America, 988 00:47:43.599 --> 00:47:45.471 so I'm only one who can collect the good stuff. 989 00:47:46.124 --> 00:47:47.342 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 990 00:47:47.386 --> 00:47:50.650 And in my mother's will, she has written down 991 00:47:50.693 --> 00:47:55.089 that I have to tap dance at her funeral. 992 00:47:55.133 --> 00:48:00.094 In a legal document, that I have to tap dance... at her funeral. 993 00:48:00.138 --> 00:48:01.922 She was like, "Well, you know, I just... 994 00:48:01.966 --> 00:48:04.316 I love watching you tap dance, and I want to see it." 995 00:48:08.450 --> 00:48:11.105 I had to explain to my mom 996 00:48:11.149 --> 00:48:12.628 that funerals are sad. 997 00:48:14.326 --> 00:48:17.764 That when she dies, I'm going to be sad. 998 00:48:17.807 --> 00:48:21.768 I'm not tap dancing at her funeral. Tap dancing is a happy thing. 999 00:48:21.811 --> 00:48:23.552 Right? Plus, tap dancing on your grave? 1000 00:48:23.596 --> 00:48:25.859 A little bit on the nose. Okay, don't you think? 1001 00:48:25.903 --> 00:48:27.643 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 1002 00:48:27.687 --> 00:48:29.907 Hey, Mom, I'm not doing it. I'm not. 1003 00:48:29.950 --> 00:48:32.431 There's no way I'm doing it. It's crazy. It's insane. 1004 00:48:36.000 --> 00:48:37.566 But I will do it for you all right now. 1005 00:48:37.610 --> 00:48:39.177 [AUDIENCE CHEERS] 1006 00:48:39.220 --> 00:48:42.484 Right? May I get that chair. Thank you so much. My tap shoes. 1007 00:48:42.528 --> 00:48:44.704 This is so embarrassing by the way, guys. 1008 00:48:44.747 --> 00:48:46.314 This is just to prove-- Thank you. 1009 00:48:46.358 --> 00:48:48.273 Look at how tall and hot he is? Hey! 1010 00:48:49.100 --> 00:48:50.840 Yes! 1011 00:48:50.884 --> 00:48:53.365 Very, very strong man, and I think he's single, ladies. 1012 00:48:53.408 --> 00:48:54.540 Uh. I don't know. 1013 00:48:54.583 --> 00:48:56.107 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 1014 00:48:56.150 --> 00:48:58.370 I didn't ask when I touched him. I'm kidding. 1015 00:48:58.413 --> 00:49:01.634 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 1016 00:49:01.677 --> 00:49:07.161 I'm doing this just to prove to my mom how much this shouldn't be done. 1017 00:49:07.205 --> 00:49:08.989 Okay? Like, I am doing this for you guys. 1018 00:49:09.033 --> 00:49:11.774 Oh, I should've brought the stand over here. Okay. 1019 00:49:11.818 --> 00:49:14.081 Okay. Now I look like that guy. 1020 00:49:14.125 --> 00:49:15.865 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 1021 00:49:17.955 --> 00:49:19.652 I'll fix ya. 1022 00:49:19.695 --> 00:49:23.482 This is literally what my first sexual experience looked like! 1023 00:49:23.525 --> 00:49:26.050 Just trying to figure out how to put that condom on. 1024 00:49:26.093 --> 00:49:27.268 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 1025 00:49:27.312 --> 00:49:29.270 I'm getting a cramp in my calf. 1026 00:49:29.314 --> 00:49:30.663 I'm too old for this shit! 1027 00:49:30.706 --> 00:49:32.186 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 1028 00:49:33.709 --> 00:49:34.710 Success. 1029 00:49:35.668 --> 00:49:36.669 Whoo! 1030 00:49:37.278 --> 00:49:38.976 All right. 1031 00:49:39.019 --> 00:49:41.195 You may take the chair back, hot man. 1032 00:49:41.239 --> 00:49:43.893 Yeah. Oh, he's skipping. Guys? He's fine. 1033 00:49:43.937 --> 00:49:45.417 Yeah. Thank you so much. 1034 00:49:46.070 --> 00:49:47.506 Yeah. Okay. 1035 00:49:48.898 --> 00:49:50.117 This is really embarrassing. 1036 00:49:51.379 --> 00:49:52.380 All right, here we go. 1037 00:49:53.555 --> 00:49:55.209 -[CYMBALS PLAYING] -All right. 1038 00:49:55.253 --> 00:49:59.083 So you guys have to imagine we're at my mom's funeral, right? 1039 00:49:59.126 --> 00:50:00.910 The casket is going down. 1040 00:50:01.955 --> 00:50:03.478 People are sad. 1041 00:50:03.522 --> 00:50:06.612 There's a piece of tap wood out in front, and I'm on it. 1042 00:50:06.655 --> 00:50:08.309 [CYMBAL PLAYING] 1043 00:50:11.095 --> 00:50:15.055 ♪ A five, six, seven, eight Tap, tap dancing On my mother's grave 1044 00:50:15.099 --> 00:50:17.971 ♪ Full lap ball changing On my mother's grave 1045 00:50:18.015 --> 00:50:20.887 ♪ Everybody's watching you Everybody's watching you 1046 00:50:22.019 --> 00:50:23.672 ♪ This is so sad 1047 00:50:24.325 --> 00:50:26.545 ♪ I love my mom 1048 00:50:26.588 --> 00:50:29.156 ♪ Don't forget to smile Don't forget to smile 1049 00:50:29.200 --> 00:50:31.767 ♪ Tap, tap dancing On my mother's grave 1050 00:50:31.811 --> 00:50:34.553 ♪ Full lap ball changing near My brother's grave 1051 00:50:34.596 --> 00:50:37.251 ♪ Why are they together? Wait, they'd be together 1052 00:50:37.295 --> 00:50:39.993 ♪ Tap, tap dancing On my family's plot 1053 00:50:40.037 --> 00:50:42.561 ♪ Sorry, mom, this is a lot 1054 00:50:42.604 --> 00:50:44.345 [SIGHING] 1055 00:50:44.389 --> 00:50:45.607 ♪ Is there an afterlife? 1056 00:50:46.565 --> 00:50:47.914 ♪ I think there is 1057 00:50:47.957 --> 00:50:50.656 ♪ I'm going to get bullied The day I get in 1058 00:50:50.699 --> 00:50:55.095 ♪ Everybody's watching you Everybody's watching you Even my dead dad 1059 00:50:55.139 --> 00:50:58.142 ♪ Wait, do they let you watch This kind of thing from hell? 1060 00:50:58.185 --> 00:51:00.970 ♪ My dad's in hell My dad's in hell 1061 00:51:01.014 --> 00:51:03.060 ♪ Tap, tap dancing 'Cause my dad's in hell 1062 00:51:03.886 --> 00:51:05.584 ♪ Big finish now 1063 00:51:10.937 --> 00:51:12.069 ♪ Wings 1064 00:51:12.112 --> 00:51:13.983 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 1065 00:51:14.027 --> 00:51:15.985 ♪ This is so emotional 1066 00:51:16.029 --> 00:51:17.117 ♪ Toe stands 1067 00:51:18.162 --> 00:51:20.381 ♪ Why the fuck am I doing this? 1068 00:51:22.905 --> 00:51:24.211 [AUDIENCE CHEERING] 1069 00:51:24.255 --> 00:51:25.604 ♪ I love you, mom 1070 00:51:25.647 --> 00:51:27.171 [AUDIENCE CHEERING] 1071 00:51:28.172 --> 00:51:29.999 ♪ Why is this in your will? 1072 00:51:30.043 --> 00:51:31.392 [AUDIENCE CHEERING] 1073 00:51:37.964 --> 00:51:40.314 I'm not even gonna be able to cry. I'm gonna be so tired. 1074 00:51:40.358 --> 00:51:42.099 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 1075 00:51:44.971 --> 00:51:46.712 I can't do that, guys. 1076 00:51:46.755 --> 00:51:49.236 I'm almost 39. I can't do that! 1077 00:51:53.110 --> 00:51:54.111 I'm not... 1078 00:51:54.720 --> 00:51:56.287 I'm not doing it. 1079 00:51:56.330 --> 00:51:58.332 There's no way. It's Insane. That's insane. 1080 00:51:58.941 --> 00:51:59.942 Crazy. 1081 00:52:00.639 --> 00:52:01.640 I'm not gonna do it. 1082 00:52:03.772 --> 00:52:05.209 But I will do this for you, Mom. 1083 00:52:06.079 --> 00:52:07.472 I'll do this. 1084 00:52:07.515 --> 00:52:08.516 Hit it, Kenny. 1085 00:52:09.300 --> 00:52:11.519 [EXHALES] 1086 00:52:11.563 --> 00:52:13.826 -[HIP-HOP MUSIC PLAYING] -[AUDIENCE CHEERING] 1087 00:52:17.395 --> 00:52:19.092 ♪ Twerk that dick Twerk that dick 1088 00:52:19.136 --> 00:52:21.138 ♪ Twerk that dick On my mother's grave 1089 00:52:21.181 --> 00:52:22.878 ♪ Twerk that dick Twerk that dick 1090 00:52:22.922 --> 00:52:24.706 ♪ Twerk that dick On my brother's grave 1091 00:52:24.750 --> 00:52:26.534 ♪ Patrick would fucking love this shit 1092 00:52:26.578 --> 00:52:28.362 ♪ Twerk it, twerk it Twerk it ♪ 1093 00:52:28.406 --> 00:52:30.277 Let's hear it for the dancers. 1094 00:52:30.321 --> 00:52:31.626 [AUDIENCE CHEERING] 1095 00:52:31.670 --> 00:52:33.933 Thank you, guys, so much for coming tonight. 1096 00:52:33.976 --> 00:52:36.718 And remember, life is meant to be lived! 1097 00:52:36.762 --> 00:52:38.894 Have a good time. Thank you, guys, so much. 1098 00:52:38.938 --> 00:52:40.940 [AUDIENCE CHEERING] 1099 00:52:43.856 --> 00:52:45.292 [DRUMS PLAYING] 1100 00:53:08.359 --> 00:53:09.969 ♪ Let me see you dance 1101 00:53:10.012 --> 00:53:11.971 ♪ Oh, boy, you looking right 1102 00:53:12.014 --> 00:53:13.755 ♪ Your body's just my type 1103 00:53:13.799 --> 00:53:16.758 ♪ It's steaming up in here Ah, ah, ah 1104 00:53:16.802 --> 00:53:19.326 ♪ Let this song Tell you what to do 1105 00:53:19.370 --> 00:53:23.025 ♪ Get down and rub your ooh Until you're sweating wet 1106 00:53:23.069 --> 00:53:24.679 ♪ I'll make you all my pet 1107 00:53:24.723 --> 00:53:26.681 ♪ It's not cheating If it's choreographed 1108 00:53:26.725 --> 00:53:28.379 ♪ It's not cheating When it touch his ass 1109 00:53:28.422 --> 00:53:30.250 ♪ It's not cheating If it's choreographed 1110 00:53:30.294 --> 00:53:32.121 ♪ Part of the dance floor Get a pass 1111 00:53:36.169 --> 00:53:37.866 ♪ But we are on the stage 1112 00:53:37.910 --> 00:53:39.564 ♪ So let's fuck it right! 1113 00:53:39.607 --> 00:53:42.219 ♪ Lick him, stick him Make him take a pop And drop him 1114 00:53:42.262 --> 00:53:43.263 ♪ Swap him, cuff him 1115 00:53:46.353 --> 00:53:48.660 ♪ 'Cause it's not cheating If it's choreographed 1116 00:53:48.703 --> 00:53:50.749 ♪ Part of a dance So I get a pass 1117 00:53:50.792 --> 00:53:52.272 ♪ Not cheating If it's choreographed 1118 00:53:52.316 --> 00:53:54.361 ♪ Shake those balls And smack that ass 1119 00:53:55.580 --> 00:53:56.711 ♪ Not cheating 1120 00:53:59.236 --> 00:54:00.367 ♪ Not cheating 1121 00:54:03.152 --> 00:54:04.197 ♪ Not cheating 1122 00:54:06.721 --> 00:54:08.506 ♪ Not cheating 1123 00:54:08.549 --> 00:54:10.812 ♪ Now twerk that dick Twerk that dick What? 1124 00:54:10.856 --> 00:54:12.640 ♪ Twerk that dick Twerk that dick What? 1125 00:54:12.684 --> 00:54:14.555 ♪ Twerk that dick Twerk that dick What? 1126 00:54:14.599 --> 00:54:16.296 ♪ Twerk it, twerk it Twerk it, twerk it 1127 00:54:16.340 --> 00:54:18.167 ♪ Twerk that dick Twerk that dick What? 1128 00:54:18.211 --> 00:54:20.039 ♪ Twerk that dick Twerk that dick What? 1129 00:54:20.082 --> 00:54:21.823 ♪ Twerk that dick Twerk that dick What? 1130 00:54:21.867 --> 00:54:23.825 ♪ Twerk it, twerk it Twerk it, twerk it ♪