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Downloaded from
YTS.MX

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Official YIFY movies site:
YTS.MX

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-[audience whistling]
-[tense bass beat playing]

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[laughter]

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[all] There's Mo to life!

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[group cheers]

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[group laughing]

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[announcer] Ladies and gentlemen,
please welcome to the stage,

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Mo Gilligan!

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-[audience cheering and applauding]
-[hip hop playing]

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♪ When I say "Mo," you say "Gilligan" ♪

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-♪ Mo ♪
-[audience] ♪ Gilligan ♪

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-♪ Mo ♪
-[audience] ♪ Gilligan ♪

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♪ When I say "Mo," you say "Gilligan" ♪

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-♪ Mo ♪
-[audience] ♪ Gilligan ♪

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-♪ Mo ♪
-[audience] ♪ Gilligan ♪

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Hey, hey!

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-Take it down, please. Have a seat!
-[audience cheering]

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[Mo laughs]

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Yes! Oh, that was fantastic.
I felt like a rapper.

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-Oh shit. Fantastic.
-[audience laughter]

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So nice to be here doing stand-up.

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I always say stand-up is my first love.

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I do TV and stuff like that now.
I love doing TV. I couldn't imagine…

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I feel the majority of people
have followed my journey,

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especially from the videos.

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"Julie! Get a couple of cans."

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-[audience cheering]
-[Mo laughing]

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Look at some of you.
"That's what I came for. Keep doing that."

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-"Keep doing it."
-[audience laughter]

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Know what's crazy about those videos?
I've done those three, four years ago,

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but I'm always ready on cue.

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Yeah? A couple weeks ago,
I had a bad stomachache.

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My stomach was cramping up.

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You know when you've been on the toilet,
and it's flying out?

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Everything is annoying you
when you're on the toilet,

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like, "Get this fucking sock off!"

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[audience laughter]

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Cramping up, I had to go to the hospital,
weren't feeling good.

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One guy was like, "Yo! Couple of cans!"

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In this moment of despair,
I was like… [groans]

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-"Julie, wheel up the blood cart."
-[audience laughter]

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-I was just ready, boy.
-[audience laughter]

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Sometimes people recite things back to me
that I've completely forgotten about.

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I was in Pets at Home,
I was getting something for my dog.

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This kid's looking at me,
and I'm looking at the kid, like,

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-"What the fuck are you looking at, bruv?"
-[audience laughter]

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Out of nowhere, the kid goes:

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♪ A Peppa Pig, a Black Peppa Pig ♪

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[audience laughter]

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I'm like, "Who is this
racist little four-year-old?"

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-[audience laughter]
-"I will boot you in the face, Oliver."

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Then I'm like, "Oh shit. Okay, Netflix.
My bad. Get up, Oliver. Get up."

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-"Stop crying. Stop crying."
-[audience laughter]

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Even TV, I do things like that now,
I do TV show business.

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That's what they call it, show business.

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-[audience cheers]
-There's no business like show business.

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And I'll be honest, guys,
I'm still new to this.

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Sometimes I lose myself.
I tell you, sometimes I lose myself.

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I was doing Breakfast TV the other day.

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Could you imagine? Me, Breakfast TV.

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They're like,
"Mo, we're gonna cut to the break." Yeah?

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They said,
"Mo, we're gonna cut to the break."

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Someone in my ear, "Cut to break."

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I was like, "We'll see you
after the break." I was just about…

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-[audience laughter]
-…to do gun fingers, yeah,

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in Breakfast…

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This is the most gunnest
of gun fingers, yeah?

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I've even got the extended clip.

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-[audience laughter]
-Yeah?

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I thought,
"Not a chance. I'll be finished."

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[audience laughter]

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You can already imagine the headlines
with me looking at the TV like that, yeah?

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The headline, "Mo Gilligan,
friends with Raheem Sterling and Stormzy…"

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[audience laughter]

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"…shoots the British public."

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[audience laughter]

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With a picture of Saka for no reason.
He didn't even do anything.

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-[audience laughter]
-[Mo laughing]

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Saka done absolutely nothing.

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Witness statements,

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"I was eating me fucking cereal,
and he fucking shot me."

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"He shot me." With a neck brace on.
"He fucking shot me."

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[audience laughter]

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But I do like doing TV, man, you know?

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Get picked up by a chauffeur driver.
"Hello, sir." Opens the door for me.

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It's mad. And I'm there
in a hoodie and tracksuit bottoms.

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[audience laughter]

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Then you go there, right?

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You have your name on the door.
That is your door with your name on it.

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You walk in, sometimes you get gifts.

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Look at mine, went, "Oy, fucking hell!"

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[audience laughter]

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"Like Christmas and that."
Yeah, every time.

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[audience laughter]

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It's true, my people. You get gifts.

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You walk in, there'll be some flowers.

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Secretly, I'm like,
"No one died. Fuck these flowers."

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-[audience laughter]
-Yeah?

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[Mo laughs]

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But you might get some good gifts.
The premium shows, you get premium gifts.

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Might even get a little candle.
Oh yeah. Mm-hmm. Yeah.

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Not just any candle.
A Jo Malone joint, come on.

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-Yeah. Come on, man.
-[audience cheers]

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Come on, pomegranate noir,
you know who you are. Come on.

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-[audience laughter]
-[Mo laughs]

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But before you go on any show on TV,
they have a research chat.

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They phone you up in the week
and pick your brains

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about what'll happen in the show,
what you been up to.

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Now, obviously in TV,
things can change last minute, my guy.

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So a producer will come
running into my dressing room;

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Doesn't knock, comes running in.

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-[imitates door banging open]
-[panting]

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"Hey, what's going on, Mo?
Big fan of your stuff. Love it."

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"'Judith, get the beers,'
absolutely love all that stuff."

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"So, basically, we've just got
a last-minute change to the show."

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"You're gonna absolutely love this."

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"What we've done,
we've hired a costume, all right?"

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"It costs about ten grand,
but check this out."

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"It's not just any costume, yeah?
It's a chicken outfit, right?"

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"So we thought we was gonna put you
in the chicken outfit, right?"

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"Then we're thinking,
you're from the Black community,

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do a bit of grime."

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"And we've got this thing, right,

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called the Cluck-Cluck,
so we thought we'd remix it."

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"'I'm not a cluck-cluck, that's not me,'
all of that stuff."

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"You'll be great.
You gonna knock it out of the park."

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"I know you love Nando's,
see you in a bit." Boom.

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He's gone. He's gone, yeah?

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At this point in time, my people,
I am absolutely losing it.

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I'm like, "What? The Cluck-Cluck?
The Cluck-Cluck?"

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"Fuck that,
I ain't doing no Cluck-Cluck." Yeah?

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"Fuck that Cluck-Cluck,
and fuck these flowers." Yeah?

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"Fuck the candle as well."

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I am fuming.

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"The Cluck-Cluck in a chicken suit? Me?"

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Now, when things like this happen,

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I have two people
that I like to call fixers in my life.

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One person is my mum, yeah,
but she doesn't understand show business.

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I'll say, "Mum, can you believe this?"

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"They want me to wear a chicken outfit
and do the Cluck-Cluck."

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My mum's like, "Oh! Are you getting paid?"

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I'm like, "What?
That's not what it's about."

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"They want to put me in a chicken outfit
and do the Cluck-Cluck."

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"Good, 'cause if you get paid,
I can get a new kitchen."

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-What the fuck, I'm sorry, who?
-[audience laughter]

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The only other person that really gets
show business is my manager, Polly.

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Now, I've been with Polly
from the very beginning,

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before any success happened.

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Let me give you background on Polly.

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Polly, yeah, is a lady

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who moved to Peckham
by herself back in the day.

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-[audience cheering]
-Yeah. Yeah.

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I don't think you understand.

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She moved to Peckham by choice

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-back in the day.
-[audience laughter]

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Just had men trying it
any time they could.

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"Yo, what's going on, all right?"
Polly wouldn't take no shit.

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"Shut up, you pussyhole."

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She wouldn't take any shit.
That's why I know I've got her on my side.

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What happens when these situations happen
and I need to call Polly, this'll happen:

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"Hey, you all right, Polly? Um…"

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"Yeah, no, I'm good, I'm good."

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"Um, yes, they did give me a gift.
Yeah, they gave me a candle."

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"Yeah, it's kind of broke,
a little bit, on the side. Um…"

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"But listen, I don't want
to chew off your ear."

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"Basically they want to do this new part
on the show that they didn't mention."

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"Basically, they want to put me
in a chicken outfit,

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and, um, yeah,
like, dance and stuff like that."

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"They also mentioned a bit of grime,

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and the guy said, like, I like Nando's
and all this kind of stuff."

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"Uh-huh. Uh-huh."

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"That's what I was thinking, that's right.
It is racist. It is absolutely racist."

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"Yeah. Okay."

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"All right, leave it with you.
Okay, I'll leave it with you."

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Then ten minutes goes past.

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We're gonna start the show
in five minutes.

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Then I get a knock on the door.

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The most polite knock you've ever heard
from this producer who burst in, yeah?

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-[audience laughter]
-[imitates knocking]

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[softly] "Mo?"

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[audience laughter]

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[softly] "Mo?"

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[audience laughter]

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"May I come in?"

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"May? 'Course you can."

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"Come in, Oliver Twist.
What would you like?"

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[audience laughter]

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"How can I help you?"

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[panting]

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"So, Mo, basically, we're not even
doing the Cluck-Cluck anymore."

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"We're just not even doing it.
We just didn't fancy doing it today."

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Now I have to act fake-shocked like
I didn't just get this canceled, yeah?

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[gasps] "Oh really?"

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"Oh my gosh."

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"Oh, no way."

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-"Oh man. Oh."
-[audience laughter]

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"You're canceling
the whole of the Cluck-Cluck?"

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"Oh man." [clicks tongue]

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"Ah, I was really looking forward
to doing the chicken feet

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-and, you know, skanking, and… Ah."
-[audience laughter]

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[sighs] "Damn, man. Ah."

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"But what you gonna do?
The suit cost ten grand."

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"Yeah, that's right,
they want me to do the Cluck-Cluck, yeah."

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"They want me to wear the chicken outfit.
Can you believe that?"

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[gasps] "Oh my gosh, that's crazy."

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"Mm. Mm."

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"Well, anyway, I'll see you on set."

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-"Suck your mum. Take care. Peace."
-[audience laughter]

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About… About…

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[Mo laughs]

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The Cluck-Cluck.

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Not a chance. I want a BAFTA.
I'm not doing Cluck-Clucks anytime soon.

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-[audience cheering]
-Yeah, come on, man.

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[audience cheering and whistling]

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Let me be real with you.
You've followed my journey from the start.

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Life hasn't always been show business.
There's been times where I've been broke.

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Like, broke-broke.

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You know when you've been so broke,
you pray? Ever done that?

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You're not even religious.

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You start praying.
You don't even know how to pray.

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"Uh, yeah, um…"

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-"Yeah."
-[audience laughter]

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"I don't know who's up there,
Buddha, one of you, listen."

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-[audience laughter]
-"I beg you, please."

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"If there's any way that thou, Father,

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can walk through the shadow of death

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and find me some kind of sign for money…"

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Even when you're negotiating
with the Lord,

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yeah, it doesn't make sense.

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"If you can find me a sign of money,

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00:10:11,640 --> 00:10:14,880
I promise I will never swear again
in my life."

233
00:10:14,960 --> 00:10:16,280
What?

234
00:10:17,080 --> 00:10:19,200
-Real broke, man.
-[audience laughter]

235
00:10:19,280 --> 00:10:21,600
I had to get my first job
working in retail, yeah?

236
00:10:21,680 --> 00:10:23,720
I say to everybody,
you must work in retail.

237
00:10:23,800 --> 00:10:26,720
-It's a rite of passage in your life.
-[audience cheering]

238
00:10:26,800 --> 00:10:29,240
Everybody should try and work at retail.

239
00:10:29,320 --> 00:10:32,520
My first job, believe it or not,
was actually in Jo Malone, yeah?

240
00:10:32,600 --> 00:10:35,480
I worked in Westfield the day it opened.

241
00:10:35,560 --> 00:10:37,960
The day it opened
in Shepherd's Bush, yeah?

242
00:10:38,040 --> 00:10:40,000
That's what they call it now
in West London.

243
00:10:40,080 --> 00:10:42,600
"Oh, let's go
to the Shepherd's Bush. Let's."

244
00:10:42,680 --> 00:10:45,400
People really from West London,
they don't call it that.

245
00:10:45,480 --> 00:10:48,200
People from the hood is like,
"What? No, that's called Bush."

246
00:10:48,280 --> 00:10:49,240
[audience laughter]

247
00:10:49,320 --> 00:10:52,280
Before Westfield, there were
no shepherds anywhere near that bush,

248
00:10:52,360 --> 00:10:54,600
-is what I'm trying to say.
-[audience laughter]

249
00:10:54,680 --> 00:10:57,720
And where Jo Malone was situated
was a place called the Village.

250
00:10:57,800 --> 00:11:00,800
So you got all the bougie, high-end shops,
Louis Vuitton, Gucci.

251
00:11:00,880 --> 00:11:03,760
And word was going around
that the day Westfield opens,

252
00:11:03,840 --> 00:11:05,760
they'll be giving out some free gifts.

253
00:11:05,840 --> 00:11:09,520
That's right. They thought they could
walk up in the Village to Louis Vuitton,

254
00:11:09,600 --> 00:11:12,960
and be like, "Yeah, Louis and Vuitton,
let me get five free belts."

255
00:11:13,040 --> 00:11:15,640
-"Let me get five for free."
-[audience laughter]

256
00:11:15,720 --> 00:11:17,720
Just my first day on the shop floor.

257
00:11:17,800 --> 00:11:20,160
I've done my training,
I've read the booklets.

258
00:11:20,240 --> 00:11:22,320
I'm trying to learn about the brand.

259
00:11:22,400 --> 00:11:25,400
My mom said, "Make sure…
It's your first day, look presentable."

260
00:11:25,480 --> 00:11:27,960
So I had a black shirt,
black trousers, and black shoes.

261
00:11:28,040 --> 00:11:30,440
I thought, "Man,
I'm ready to go on the shop floor."

262
00:11:30,520 --> 00:11:33,600
And just as I step,
my manager says, "No, take this."

263
00:11:33,680 --> 00:11:35,160
She gave me an apron.

264
00:11:35,240 --> 00:11:37,440
An apron. I said, "Is this fucking B&Q?"

265
00:11:37,520 --> 00:11:39,400
"Why am I wearing a fucking apron?"

266
00:11:39,480 --> 00:11:40,600
[audience laughter]

267
00:11:40,680 --> 00:11:43,040
And me, being young and naive,
I was like, "No."

268
00:11:43,120 --> 00:11:45,920
I've gotta make the apron look
a bit loose, a bit swaggy.

269
00:11:46,000 --> 00:11:48,360
Manager said,
"No, it's about standards." She went…

270
00:11:48,960 --> 00:11:50,560
Tightened up the apron, yeah?

271
00:11:50,640 --> 00:11:53,800
I was on the shop floor
with an hourglass figure, people.

272
00:11:53,880 --> 00:11:55,480
-Yeah? Yeah?
-[audience laughter]

273
00:11:55,560 --> 00:11:58,680
[Mo laughing]

274
00:11:58,760 --> 00:12:02,080
Just had the man there walking past,
"Rah, boy, your hips don't lie, you know?"

275
00:12:02,160 --> 00:12:03,480
-Fucking hell.
-[audience laughter]

276
00:12:03,560 --> 00:12:07,360
"Rah, boy, not gonna lie,
you got mad back, my guy."

277
00:12:07,440 --> 00:12:08,880
-"Your back…"
-[audience laughter]

278
00:12:08,960 --> 00:12:10,880
"Your back is mad, cuz."

279
00:12:10,960 --> 00:12:12,600
-[audience laughter]
-[Mo laughs]

280
00:12:13,640 --> 00:12:15,000
So I'm on the shop floor.

281
00:12:15,080 --> 00:12:17,040
You can imagine, I'm on the shop floor,

282
00:12:17,120 --> 00:12:21,000
and the manager said to me,
"Your job is to greet the customers."

283
00:12:21,080 --> 00:12:23,600
And I had to code-switch.
We all do code-switching.

284
00:12:23,680 --> 00:12:26,120
Doesn't matter what job you work,
you must code-switch.

285
00:12:26,200 --> 00:12:28,280
My man, what's your name, my friend?

286
00:12:28,360 --> 00:12:30,280
-[man] Anton.
-Anton. What's your job, Anton?

287
00:12:30,360 --> 00:12:32,520
-[Anton] Carpenter.
-[Mo] Carpenter! Wow.

288
00:12:32,600 --> 00:12:35,280
Great job, man.
You must be code-switching all the time.

289
00:12:35,360 --> 00:12:36,680
You're chilling with the guys,

290
00:12:36,760 --> 00:12:39,760
"Yeah, that's what I said, cuz.
Man might go out Saturday, you know?"

291
00:12:39,840 --> 00:12:41,160
"Hello?"

292
00:12:41,240 --> 00:12:43,600
-[audience laughter]
-"Hi." [laughs] "Yes."

293
00:12:43,680 --> 00:12:45,880
"Yes, yes. Okay."

294
00:12:45,960 --> 00:12:47,840
"Can I make a rocking horse? Okay."

295
00:12:47,920 --> 00:12:49,840
-[audience laughter]
-"Yes. Yes."

296
00:12:49,920 --> 00:12:52,160
"Okay. You need it for Friday,
this Friday?"

297
00:12:52,240 --> 00:12:54,200
"Yeah, okay.
All right, I'll see you Friday."

298
00:12:54,280 --> 00:12:55,880
"Okay, bye-bye. Yeah."

299
00:12:55,960 --> 00:12:58,440
"Man ain't making
no fucking rocking horse, cuz."

300
00:12:58,520 --> 00:12:59,920
"Fucking dickhead."

301
00:13:00,000 --> 00:13:04,080
-[audience cheering and applauding]
-[Mo laughing]

302
00:13:04,920 --> 00:13:06,600
So I had to code-switch.

303
00:13:06,680 --> 00:13:10,440
My manager said, "Greet the customers
as they go in." That's what I had to do.

304
00:13:10,520 --> 00:13:12,360
You could imagine
the ambiance in the shop.

305
00:13:12,440 --> 00:13:14,000
It smelled nice, yeah?

306
00:13:14,080 --> 00:13:16,760
Let me give you a little backstory
on Jo Malone, yeah?

307
00:13:17,280 --> 00:13:19,760
They sell body creams,
fragrances, shower gels.

308
00:13:19,840 --> 00:13:23,440
They have a shower gel this big, people.
It is this big, yeah?

309
00:13:23,520 --> 00:13:26,160
And it costs 15 pounds. Yeah?

310
00:13:26,240 --> 00:13:28,800
I was using a drip a day.

311
00:13:28,880 --> 00:13:30,200
-[audience laughter]
-Yeah?

312
00:13:30,280 --> 00:13:34,160
Don't get me wrong, I stole it,
but I was using a drip a day. Yeah?

313
00:13:34,240 --> 00:13:35,200
[serene music playing]

314
00:13:35,280 --> 00:13:37,840
That's all I had to do,
greet the customers as they came in,

315
00:13:37,920 --> 00:13:39,160
in my code-switch voice.

316
00:13:39,240 --> 00:13:42,520
-"Hello, you okay? Hello there, ma'am."
-[audience laughter]

317
00:13:42,600 --> 00:13:45,920
"Hello, good afternoon, madam.
Hello. You okay? Yeah?"

318
00:13:46,000 --> 00:13:48,840
British people do this when we come in
from the cold. "You all right?"

319
00:13:48,920 --> 00:13:51,680
-[shivers] "Freezing out there, isn't it?"
-[audience laughter]

320
00:13:51,760 --> 00:13:53,280
"Yes, it is quite cold, isn't it?"

321
00:13:53,360 --> 00:13:55,640
"Come in here.
Come in here, you silly goose."

322
00:13:55,720 --> 00:13:56,680
"Come in here."

323
00:13:56,760 --> 00:14:00,520
-[audience laughter]
-[Mo laughing]

324
00:14:01,040 --> 00:14:04,440
Sometimes people blank you
upon arrival in the shop.

325
00:14:04,520 --> 00:14:06,640
"Hello, you okay, there, madam? You okay?"

326
00:14:06,720 --> 00:14:08,280
"No? Okay. Right."

327
00:14:08,360 --> 00:14:09,560
[audience laughter]

328
00:14:09,640 --> 00:14:12,000
"I'll just stand over here
and go fuck myself, it's okay."

329
00:14:12,080 --> 00:14:14,080
"It's okay."
-[audience laughter]

330
00:14:14,160 --> 00:14:17,560
Then, one of the mandem walked in.

331
00:14:17,640 --> 00:14:20,720
I thought, "Gosh, look at this."
"This is my chance to gain a sell,

332
00:14:20,800 --> 00:14:23,600
convert a customer who's probably
not accustomed to the brand."

333
00:14:23,680 --> 00:14:25,280
He walked into the shop.

334
00:14:26,480 --> 00:14:29,680
-"Rah, fucking hell, this is nice."
-[audience laughter]

335
00:14:29,760 --> 00:14:30,800
"Okay."

336
00:14:31,480 --> 00:14:34,760
-"This is like a fucking spa in here."
-[audience laughter]

337
00:14:34,840 --> 00:14:36,160
"Okay, okay."

338
00:14:36,240 --> 00:14:37,640
"Unh, unh, unh."

339
00:14:38,160 --> 00:14:41,000
"Tester? Let me test this one, still."

340
00:14:41,080 --> 00:14:44,520
[imitates spraying]

341
00:14:44,600 --> 00:14:45,800
[audience laughter]

342
00:14:45,880 --> 00:14:47,960
[imitates spraying]

343
00:14:48,040 --> 00:14:50,840
[rapid spraying]

344
00:14:51,840 --> 00:14:54,440
-[blows]
-[audience laughter]

345
00:14:55,480 --> 00:14:58,160
"I like that one, still.
I like that one. Hmm."

346
00:14:58,240 --> 00:14:59,400
So I approached him.

347
00:14:59,920 --> 00:15:02,400
"Hello there, sir, you okay?
You all right there?"

348
00:15:04,920 --> 00:15:08,240
"Yo, my brother, why you talking
like Geoffrey from Fresh Prince, cuz?"

349
00:15:08,320 --> 00:15:10,240
[audience laughter]

350
00:15:11,280 --> 00:15:14,600
"So that particular fragrance
you got there, that's our signature."

351
00:15:14,680 --> 00:15:17,600
"That's actually
lime basil and mandarin. Yeah?"

352
00:15:17,680 --> 00:15:20,160
"So what you've got,
you've got the zesty lime."

353
00:15:20,240 --> 00:15:22,080
"Then you've got the crushed basil."

354
00:15:22,160 --> 00:15:24,720
"And then you just get
that whiff of the mandarin."

355
00:15:24,800 --> 00:15:25,920
"Can you smell that?"

356
00:15:26,000 --> 00:15:28,920
When you work in a shop,
people will lie unprovoked. Yeah?

357
00:15:29,000 --> 00:15:31,360
[sniffing]

358
00:15:31,440 --> 00:15:33,880
"Yeah, that's a lot of
fucking mandarin there. Fucking hell."

359
00:15:33,960 --> 00:15:35,080
-[sniffs]
-[audience laughter]

360
00:15:35,160 --> 00:15:37,560
"I like this one,
you know, my brother. Mmm."

361
00:15:37,640 --> 00:15:38,560
[sniffs] "Mmm."

362
00:15:38,640 --> 00:15:40,800
"Let's talk prices.
How much for this, my brother?"

363
00:15:40,880 --> 00:15:43,760
"I like this one, you know.
I'm feeling this one. How much?"

364
00:15:43,840 --> 00:15:48,640
"Okay, sir, so, that one there
is a 50-milliliter, yeah?"

365
00:15:48,720 --> 00:15:51,800
"So you're looking
at about 59 pounds. Yeah."

366
00:15:51,880 --> 00:15:53,600
"Fifty-nine pounds?"

367
00:15:53,680 --> 00:15:55,960
"Okay, all right. Unh."

368
00:15:56,040 --> 00:15:58,200
[audience laughter]

369
00:15:58,280 --> 00:16:00,760
"How much for the big one though,
my brother? How much?"

370
00:16:00,840 --> 00:16:04,040
"Okay, so the big one,
that's actually a 100-milliliter,

371
00:16:04,120 --> 00:16:07,160
so you're getting double the fragrance
of your eau de toilette."

372
00:16:07,760 --> 00:16:10,480
"What you talking about, the toilet?
What you talking about, brother?"

373
00:16:10,560 --> 00:16:11,880
[audience laughter]

374
00:16:11,960 --> 00:16:15,640
"So this one here, sir, yeah,
is 140 pounds."

375
00:16:15,720 --> 00:16:18,600
"What? One-forty? Okay."

376
00:16:19,680 --> 00:16:21,440
"All right. That's kind of mad, you know?"

377
00:16:21,520 --> 00:16:22,560
[audience laughter]

378
00:16:22,640 --> 00:16:24,800
"Uh, okay, okay, okay."

379
00:16:25,360 --> 00:16:26,920
"Mm, mm, mm."

380
00:16:27,840 --> 00:16:30,800
"So 59 pound for this, 140 for that,
that's what you're telling me?"

381
00:16:30,880 --> 00:16:31,880
"Yes."

382
00:16:32,880 --> 00:16:35,760
"I didn't stutter at any moment, so yes."

383
00:16:35,840 --> 00:16:37,320
"Okay."

384
00:16:37,400 --> 00:16:39,040
"Unh, unh, unh."

385
00:16:39,840 --> 00:16:41,120
"Mm."

386
00:16:42,640 --> 00:16:45,160
"All right, but hear
what I'm saying though, yeah?"

387
00:16:45,240 --> 00:16:47,360
-[audience laughter]
-[dark music playing]

388
00:16:49,160 --> 00:16:52,440
"Listen, my brother, I don't know you,
you don't know fucking me, yeah?"

389
00:16:52,520 --> 00:16:53,640
[audience laughter]

390
00:16:53,720 --> 00:16:57,240
"So fuck all these ting, yeah?
Hear what I'm telling you right now."

391
00:16:57,320 --> 00:16:59,480
"Man's gonna fucking steal this, cousin."

392
00:16:59,560 --> 00:17:01,200
[audience laughter]

393
00:17:01,280 --> 00:17:03,720
"So what the fuck
are you telling me, cuz?"

394
00:17:03,800 --> 00:17:05,440
[audience laughter]

395
00:17:05,520 --> 00:17:08,560
"Bruv, please don't steal it.
Literally, I got the job, like, today."

396
00:17:08,640 --> 00:17:10,920
"This is my first day, bruv.
I'm begging you."

397
00:17:11,000 --> 00:17:13,280
"Loud up, bruv,
why would you come and steal it?"

398
00:17:13,360 --> 00:17:16,800
"'Cause at the end of the day,
when you look like me and I look like you,

399
00:17:16,880 --> 00:17:20,120
they'll think we planned it
and you're one of my bredrens, cuz."

400
00:17:20,200 --> 00:17:23,920
"What, they wanna fucking
discriminate our man as well, yeah?"

401
00:17:24,000 --> 00:17:26,880
"No, fuck that.
I'm definitely taking it, yeah?"

402
00:17:26,960 --> 00:17:29,560
"I don't know you, cuz.
Listen, man's gonna take that."

403
00:17:29,640 --> 00:17:33,400
"Hear what I'm saying, I'll bang anyone
in their face if they stop me."

404
00:17:33,480 --> 00:17:36,120
"So what you're telling me,
you're gonna walk out the shop,

405
00:17:36,200 --> 00:17:38,160
and you're gonna bang anyone
in your path?"

406
00:17:38,240 --> 00:17:41,840
"Fam, man'll bang anyone. Man don't care
about this Bugzy Malone brand."

407
00:17:41,920 --> 00:17:43,400
"So you're gonna steal it?"

408
00:17:43,480 --> 00:17:47,360
"Well, listen, if you're gonna steal it
and run out the shop and take one,

409
00:17:47,440 --> 00:17:48,840
hear what I'm telling you."

410
00:17:48,920 --> 00:17:51,480
-[music stops]
-"Take one for me as well."

411
00:17:51,560 --> 00:17:53,120
[audience laughter]

412
00:17:53,200 --> 00:17:56,440
[audience cheering and applauding]

413
00:17:57,400 --> 00:18:01,960
[Mo laughing]

414
00:18:02,040 --> 00:18:05,040
Came into work
smelling fabulous the next day, bruv.

415
00:18:05,120 --> 00:18:07,200
-[audience laughter]
-[Mo laughs]

416
00:18:07,280 --> 00:18:09,640
But we know in any workplace,
what do we have?

417
00:18:09,720 --> 00:18:12,520
We have our friends,
and we have our colleagues.

418
00:18:12,600 --> 00:18:14,440
It's very different how we interact.

419
00:18:14,520 --> 00:18:17,760
'Cause when you see your friends,
you have personal banter between you.

420
00:18:17,840 --> 00:18:19,960
I worked with this guy, Dwayne.
He was like me.

421
00:18:20,040 --> 00:18:22,360
We had our own little thing.
"What's going on?"

422
00:18:22,440 --> 00:18:25,280
"Man like Dwayne, what do you say, cuz?"

423
00:18:25,360 --> 00:18:26,800
"Me, love, me cuz."

424
00:18:26,880 --> 00:18:29,560
"Man like Mo Gilligan,
what are you telling me, cuz?"

425
00:18:29,640 --> 00:18:31,960
Sometimes the colleagues
would try to get involved.

426
00:18:32,040 --> 00:18:34,360
"Hey, what's going on?
Don't forget me, Peter."

427
00:18:34,440 --> 00:18:36,400
"Man like… Man like this guy."

428
00:18:36,480 --> 00:18:39,160
-"Shut up, Peter, don't do that again."
-[audience laughter]

429
00:18:39,240 --> 00:18:41,560
"We'll rush you in the staff room.
Don't ever do that."

430
00:18:41,640 --> 00:18:42,560
[audience laughter]

431
00:18:42,640 --> 00:18:45,400
You got your friends,
then you got your colleagues,

432
00:18:45,480 --> 00:18:48,560
then just in the middle, at the top,
do you know who you have?

433
00:18:48,640 --> 00:18:50,240
You have retail managers.

434
00:18:50,320 --> 00:18:53,240
I'm gonna use this word.
Don't use this word a lot, but know what?

435
00:18:53,320 --> 00:18:56,520
All retail managers are cunts.
That's right.

436
00:18:56,600 --> 00:18:58,640
Yeah, I said it, man. I don't care, man.

437
00:18:58,720 --> 00:19:00,160
-I said it.
-[scattered applause]

438
00:19:00,240 --> 00:19:03,080
-Are there any retail managers in tonight?
-[scattered cheering]

439
00:19:03,160 --> 00:19:04,800
You fucking cunt. Shut up.

440
00:19:04,880 --> 00:19:08,800
-[audience laughter]
-[Mo laughs]

441
00:19:08,880 --> 00:19:10,360
No, I'm joking, I'm joking.

442
00:19:10,440 --> 00:19:12,160
No, I'm not joking. Fuck that guy.

443
00:19:12,240 --> 00:19:14,040
[audience laughter]

444
00:19:14,120 --> 00:19:15,360
You know why I say this?

445
00:19:15,440 --> 00:19:18,480
Because they can't decide
if they want to be your friend or enemy.

446
00:19:18,560 --> 00:19:21,960
And sometimes they'll make up things
that aren't in the shop floor protocol.

447
00:19:22,040 --> 00:19:24,600
Me and Dwayne are talking about
when we get paid.

448
00:19:24,680 --> 00:19:27,920
We're having a chat, no one in the shop.
We're pretending to fold T-shirts.

449
00:19:28,000 --> 00:19:29,600
There's no one in the shop.

450
00:19:29,680 --> 00:19:31,960
"What are you saying for Saturday,
'cause obviously,

451
00:19:32,040 --> 00:19:34,640
man trying to go out raving,
and obviously we get paid on Friday."

452
00:19:34,720 --> 00:19:36,920
"Mm, a little raving,
know what I'm saying?"

453
00:19:37,000 --> 00:19:39,680
The managers come over,
see all this fun happening,

454
00:19:39,760 --> 00:19:43,960
"Ah, ah, ah. Okay, all right,
let's break this up. Okay."

455
00:19:44,040 --> 00:19:45,280
"Mo, can you do me a favor?"

456
00:19:45,360 --> 00:19:48,160
"Can you just stand in the window
and wave at the customers?"

457
00:19:48,240 --> 00:19:49,680
[audience laughter]

458
00:19:49,760 --> 00:19:50,640
"What?"

459
00:19:51,440 --> 00:19:54,040
[audience laughter]

460
00:19:54,920 --> 00:19:56,600
[audience laughter]

461
00:19:57,960 --> 00:20:00,120
Two minutes later,
they want to be your friend

462
00:20:00,200 --> 00:20:02,800
in a place where I don't want
any friends in the workplace.

463
00:20:02,880 --> 00:20:04,960
You know where that place is?
The staff room.

464
00:20:05,040 --> 00:20:06,840
-[audience laughter]
-I don't want any friends.

465
00:20:06,920 --> 00:20:08,360
It's the week before payday.

466
00:20:08,440 --> 00:20:09,560
It's Tupperware week.

467
00:20:09,640 --> 00:20:12,400
I'm finally using
the Chinese recycle containers.

468
00:20:12,480 --> 00:20:14,280
-[audience laughter]
-I've not got paid.

469
00:20:14,360 --> 00:20:17,960
I've got my rice and peas in one,
I've got my oxtail in another.

470
00:20:18,040 --> 00:20:20,440
I've even got salad
in another container. Yeah?

471
00:20:20,520 --> 00:20:22,080
I have my headphones in.

472
00:20:22,160 --> 00:20:24,840
Don't talk to me.
I have an hour. I don't get paid for this.

473
00:20:24,920 --> 00:20:27,240
Please don't talk to me. Leave me alone.

474
00:20:27,320 --> 00:20:30,400
But who comes in,
trying to be my friend? The manager.

475
00:20:30,480 --> 00:20:31,680
[sniffs]

476
00:20:31,760 --> 00:20:34,120
-"Mm."
-[audience laughter]

477
00:20:34,200 --> 00:20:35,720
"Oh, what's that?"

478
00:20:36,360 --> 00:20:38,360
"Oh, that smells amazing."

479
00:20:38,440 --> 00:20:39,640
[audience laughter]

480
00:20:39,720 --> 00:20:42,720
"What is that?
What you got there, buddy? What's that?"

481
00:20:44,240 --> 00:20:46,120
[softly] "Oh, go fuck yourself, man."

482
00:20:46,200 --> 00:20:47,800
[audience laughter]

483
00:20:48,320 --> 00:20:50,280
"So, uh, okay, um…"

484
00:20:51,280 --> 00:20:54,840
"So, this… this is rice…
rice and peas I've got here."

485
00:20:54,920 --> 00:20:56,000
"Oh!" [chuckles]

486
00:20:56,080 --> 00:20:59,000
"Heard a lot about these guys,
the rice and the peas."

487
00:20:59,080 --> 00:21:03,880
"Oh my gosh, I've heard about these guys.
Rice and the peas. Fantastic."

488
00:21:03,960 --> 00:21:05,840
"They don't look like peas to me, though."

489
00:21:07,080 --> 00:21:08,360
"Okay. Um…"

490
00:21:09,280 --> 00:21:11,560
"What is that? I've never seen that."

491
00:21:11,640 --> 00:21:13,400
-"What the hell is that?"
-[audience laughter]

492
00:21:13,480 --> 00:21:15,920
"What is that?
What the fuck is that? What's that?"

493
00:21:16,000 --> 00:21:18,080
-[audience laughter]
-"Tell me what it is."

494
00:21:18,160 --> 00:21:19,280
"Um…"

495
00:21:20,120 --> 00:21:23,680
-"Can you stop pointing at my food? Um…"
-[audience laughter]

496
00:21:23,760 --> 00:21:26,000
"This is, uh… This is oxtail stew."

497
00:21:26,080 --> 00:21:27,080
"What?"

498
00:21:27,160 --> 00:21:29,800
"Sorry, ox what?"

499
00:21:29,880 --> 00:21:31,400
[audience laughter]

500
00:21:31,480 --> 00:21:32,960
"This is oxtail stew."

501
00:21:33,040 --> 00:21:35,520
"Oxtail? Hang on a minute."

502
00:21:35,600 --> 00:21:36,840
"Oxtail?"

503
00:21:37,320 --> 00:21:39,560
"Well, I've never seen that in Waitrose."

504
00:21:39,640 --> 00:21:41,240
-[audience laughter]
-"Oxtail?"

505
00:21:41,320 --> 00:21:44,200
"So hold on.
Let me get this right, Ainsley Harriott."

506
00:21:44,280 --> 00:21:46,560
-"You're telling me…"
-[audience laughter]

507
00:21:46,640 --> 00:21:50,800
"You're telling me that that's the tail
of the ox, is that what you're saying?"

508
00:21:50,880 --> 00:21:52,520
"Is that what you're saying right now?"

509
00:21:52,600 --> 00:21:56,000
"No, it's the fucking penis of the horse.
Are you not fucking listening?"

510
00:21:56,080 --> 00:21:57,840
[audience laughter]

511
00:21:57,920 --> 00:22:00,440
But we know the international rule
in the staff room.

512
00:22:00,520 --> 00:22:03,640
Do not bring smelly lunches
into the staff room.

513
00:22:03,720 --> 00:22:06,800
Doesn't matter who you are,
you cannot stink up the staff room.

514
00:22:06,880 --> 00:22:09,720
This is a communal area.
We must all eat in here.

515
00:22:09,800 --> 00:22:11,240
But some people don't care.

516
00:22:11,320 --> 00:22:14,600
I used to work with this lovely lady.
Her name was Yulka. She was so nice.

517
00:22:14,680 --> 00:22:17,640
But she was one of them people
who'd load their problems onto you.

518
00:22:17,720 --> 00:22:19,280
"What's up, Yulka, you all right?"

519
00:22:19,360 --> 00:22:21,360
"No, not so good."

520
00:22:21,440 --> 00:22:23,040
[audience laughter]

521
00:22:23,120 --> 00:22:26,120
"Ah, for fuck's sake.
What's wrong with you? What's wrong?"

522
00:22:26,200 --> 00:22:28,160
"My husband, he left."

523
00:22:28,240 --> 00:22:31,640
"Oh man. I'm so sorry to hear that, man.
I'm so sorry to hear that."

524
00:22:31,720 --> 00:22:35,960
And I'll be honest, her lunch was
absolutely stinking up the staff room.

525
00:22:36,040 --> 00:22:39,680
And I'm trying to be civil with Yulka,
but some people have no filter.

526
00:22:39,760 --> 00:22:40,800
They can't read the room.

527
00:22:40,880 --> 00:22:43,400
People like Dwayne would walk in
and say how he thinks.

528
00:22:43,480 --> 00:22:45,760
Walk in, "Yo,
any of you lot got the scissors?"

529
00:22:45,840 --> 00:22:48,000
[sniffs] "Fucking hell!"

530
00:22:48,080 --> 00:22:50,200
-[audience laughter]
-"No, no, no, no!"

531
00:22:50,280 --> 00:22:53,440
"That… That stinks! No, that stinks!"

532
00:22:53,520 --> 00:22:57,000
"So what, you lot have been sitting here
chatting shit with this stinky smell?"

533
00:22:57,080 --> 00:22:58,720
"No, that's nasty, man."

534
00:22:58,800 --> 00:23:02,120
I'm trying to look at him,
like, "Yo, Dwayne…" [groaning]

535
00:23:02,200 --> 00:23:04,360
"Dwayne, Yulka's not going
through a good time."

536
00:23:04,440 --> 00:23:05,640
"Her husband left, innit?"

537
00:23:05,720 --> 00:23:09,280
"Bruv, course he left
with this stinking fucking food, cuz."

538
00:23:09,360 --> 00:23:10,720
"I would've left as well."

539
00:23:10,800 --> 00:23:12,160
[audience laughter]

540
00:23:12,240 --> 00:23:14,480
Stinking up
the fucking staff room. [laughs]

541
00:23:14,560 --> 00:23:16,520
[Mo laughing]

542
00:23:16,600 --> 00:23:19,680
But we all know what we do it for
in the workplace, for the money.

543
00:23:19,760 --> 00:23:22,640
No one's there for the love and the joy.
We do it for the money.

544
00:23:22,720 --> 00:23:26,040
Even me, at 18 years old,
getting my first paycheck.

545
00:23:26,120 --> 00:23:27,120
Oh my gosh.

546
00:23:27,200 --> 00:23:29,760
I didn't know what to put on my CV.
I lied, of course.

547
00:23:29,840 --> 00:23:31,520
We all lie to get your first job.

548
00:23:31,600 --> 00:23:33,240
I didn't have no work experience yet.

549
00:23:33,320 --> 00:23:35,960
"Have you worked anywhere?" "Um…"

550
00:23:36,040 --> 00:23:37,400
"Yeah." "Where did you work?"

551
00:23:37,480 --> 00:23:40,160
-"Woolworths. Yeah. Yeah."
-[audience laughter]

552
00:23:40,240 --> 00:23:41,240
"Anywhere else?"

553
00:23:42,160 --> 00:23:43,800
-"Dixons."
-[audience laughter]

554
00:23:43,880 --> 00:23:45,720
Anywhere that closed down,
I had worked there.

555
00:23:45,800 --> 00:23:48,120
-[audience laughter]
-You don't even know how many hours.

556
00:23:48,200 --> 00:23:50,800
"How many hours can you do?"
"Five hundred thousand."

557
00:23:50,880 --> 00:23:52,280
-[audience laughter]
-"Yeah."

558
00:23:53,240 --> 00:23:55,320
Then you're just waiting to get paid.

559
00:23:55,400 --> 00:23:58,480
Sometimes you're so eager to check,
you'll check at 11:58.

560
00:23:58,560 --> 00:24:01,880
11:58 on a Thursday, just to check online.

561
00:24:01,960 --> 00:24:04,480
[gasps] "What?
They ain't paid me yet. What?"

562
00:24:04,560 --> 00:24:05,520
"No, man, fuck that."

563
00:24:05,600 --> 00:24:07,840
"I'm stealing all the candles
at work tomorrow."

564
00:24:07,920 --> 00:24:09,240
"No, I'm not having that."

565
00:24:09,320 --> 00:24:11,640
Sometimes you gotta go
to the cashpoint late at night.

566
00:24:11,720 --> 00:24:14,520
One in the morning,
go to your little cashpoint, yeah?

567
00:24:14,600 --> 00:24:16,360
Hit the high street,
you're shitting yourself.

568
00:24:16,440 --> 00:24:17,680
[audience laughter]

569
00:24:17,760 --> 00:24:20,480
You got your keys between your fingers,
just in case…

570
00:24:20,560 --> 00:24:22,440
-[audience laughter]
-…any crackheads get shafty.

571
00:24:22,520 --> 00:24:23,440
[swift whooshing]

572
00:24:23,520 --> 00:24:25,400
[audience laughter]

573
00:24:26,400 --> 00:24:27,640
But what a joyous feeling.

574
00:24:27,720 --> 00:24:30,160
What a joyous feeling
to earn your own money.

575
00:24:30,240 --> 00:24:31,720
I'll never forget that feeling.

576
00:24:31,800 --> 00:24:34,560
Oh my gosh, to go and check a cashpoint,

577
00:24:34,640 --> 00:24:38,080
put my card in, and see money
that I have earned myself…

578
00:24:38,160 --> 00:24:42,960
Oh my gosh, I feel like
the whole thing happened in slow motion.

579
00:24:43,760 --> 00:24:46,720
-[slow bass beat playing]
-[audience laughter]

580
00:24:53,400 --> 00:24:55,360
[upbeat bass beat playing]

581
00:24:55,440 --> 00:24:58,320
[audience laughter]

582
00:25:01,200 --> 00:25:04,920
[mouthing]

583
00:25:05,000 --> 00:25:07,560
[audience laughter]

584
00:25:13,200 --> 00:25:14,960
[audience laughter]

585
00:25:17,480 --> 00:25:19,160
-[Mo laughs]
-[music fades]

586
00:25:19,240 --> 00:25:20,960
You know what's so funny about… [laughs]

587
00:25:21,040 --> 00:25:22,600
-[audience cheering]
-Thank you.

588
00:25:22,680 --> 00:25:25,680
-[Mo laughing]
-[audience cheering and applauding]

589
00:25:26,600 --> 00:25:29,400
Know what's funny about that joke?
Some of you look at me like…

590
00:25:29,480 --> 00:25:32,560
"Yeah, big man, we get it.
You got paid, cuz. We get it, cuz."

591
00:25:32,640 --> 00:25:34,880
"Speed this up.
Put this in fast-forward, my guy."

592
00:25:34,960 --> 00:25:36,240
[audience laughter]

593
00:25:36,320 --> 00:25:39,640
Treat yourself, 'cause that's
what you always do, you treat yourself.

594
00:25:39,720 --> 00:25:43,720
I remember treating myself
with some Air Max 95's, yeah?

595
00:25:43,800 --> 00:25:48,120
Back in the day, we'd call them 110's
because they cost 110 pounds.

596
00:25:48,200 --> 00:25:49,560
Then having to lie to my mum…

597
00:25:49,640 --> 00:25:52,240
"Oh, these are nice. Ooh, very nice."

598
00:25:52,320 --> 00:25:56,000
Out of nowhere, my mum. "These are
good for the winter." The winter?

599
00:25:56,080 --> 00:25:59,440
We live in South London, not Alaska.
What's wrong with you, man?

600
00:25:59,520 --> 00:26:01,280
"Mm, very nice. Very nice."

601
00:26:01,360 --> 00:26:02,440
"How much are these?"

602
00:26:02,520 --> 00:26:04,360
"How much are these?" "Um…"

603
00:26:05,080 --> 00:26:06,960
-"Thirty pounds."
-[audience laughter]

604
00:26:07,040 --> 00:26:09,960
Even then, Mum thinks it's expensive.
"Thirty pounds?"

605
00:26:10,040 --> 00:26:12,560
-[audience laughter]
-"Could've got good plimsolls for that."

606
00:26:12,640 --> 00:26:14,200
-Plimsolls?
-[audience laughter]

607
00:26:14,280 --> 00:26:17,440
It's not Year 4 PE.
Who the fuck wears plimsolls?

608
00:26:18,320 --> 00:26:20,880
Everything is entry-level
at this stage of life.

609
00:26:20,960 --> 00:26:23,720
Even the wallet you have, guys.
You ain't got a fancy wallet.

610
00:26:23,800 --> 00:26:27,400
You got that shitty Nike wallet.
That shitty Nike Velcro wallet at the bar.

611
00:26:27,480 --> 00:26:29,800
"You want a drink? I'll get it."
Making that noise…

612
00:26:29,880 --> 00:26:32,760
-"Shhhh."
-[audience laughter]

613
00:26:32,840 --> 00:26:35,880
You got no cards, National Insurance,

614
00:26:35,960 --> 00:26:38,480
your mum's Nectar card, library card.

615
00:26:38,560 --> 00:26:39,640
[audience laughter]

616
00:26:39,720 --> 00:26:42,240
Then you got this little pussy zip
that don't even open.

617
00:26:42,320 --> 00:26:45,880
"How much?" "Two pounds."
"I'll get it." [grunts] "Brr. Brr."

618
00:26:45,960 --> 00:26:47,560
[audience laughter]

619
00:26:48,480 --> 00:26:50,160
Life is good when you earn money.

620
00:26:50,240 --> 00:26:54,160
'Cause the worst stage of my life,
yeah, was when I was, like, 15 to 17,

621
00:26:54,240 --> 00:26:55,240
when I had no money.

622
00:26:55,320 --> 00:26:57,320
I couldn't work. That's the worst stage.

623
00:26:57,400 --> 00:27:00,800
You're looking for any money you can get.
That's all you care about.

624
00:27:00,880 --> 00:27:04,640
Your nan, birthdays, you're just looking
for the money in the card, yeah?

625
00:27:04,720 --> 00:27:06,360
Just looking. "Hello, okay, no money."

626
00:27:06,440 --> 00:27:09,840
"All right, Nan, I hope you die.
Go fuck yourself. Hope you die tonight."

627
00:27:09,920 --> 00:27:10,760
[audience laughter]

628
00:27:10,840 --> 00:27:13,080
"Hope the Grim Reaper takes you tonight."

629
00:27:13,160 --> 00:27:15,000
-"No money in there."
-[audience laughter]

630
00:27:16,360 --> 00:27:17,520
"I put you in the will."

631
00:27:17,600 --> 00:27:19,920
"Well, I hope you will die tonight,
how about that?"

632
00:27:20,000 --> 00:27:21,600
[audience laughter]

633
00:27:21,680 --> 00:27:23,360
But there's no money in the card.

634
00:27:23,920 --> 00:27:24,800
[Mo laughs]

635
00:27:25,560 --> 00:27:28,480
You're looking
for any money you can get, yeah?

636
00:27:28,560 --> 00:27:30,920
I remember once my mum said,
"Listen, Mo, listen."

637
00:27:31,000 --> 00:27:34,480
"Go to the shop.
Here's five pounds, yeah? Five pounds."

638
00:27:34,560 --> 00:27:36,240
"I want you to get me a bag of rice."

639
00:27:36,320 --> 00:27:39,480
"I got work early in the morning,
get me some breakfast or cereal."

640
00:27:39,560 --> 00:27:40,640
"You keep the change."

641
00:27:40,720 --> 00:27:43,360
[gasps] "What? Keep the change?"

642
00:27:44,040 --> 00:27:45,080
"What?"

643
00:27:45,160 --> 00:27:47,720
"Keep the change of a five-pound note?"

644
00:27:47,800 --> 00:27:49,000
"Change of keep?"

645
00:27:49,080 --> 00:27:50,400
"Oh my gosh."

646
00:27:50,920 --> 00:27:54,400
That's all I'm hearing. I forgot the rest.
"Keep the change."

647
00:27:54,480 --> 00:27:57,800
Walking to the shop, "Keep the change."
Oh my gosh. "Keep the change."

648
00:27:57,880 --> 00:28:00,160
"The change I can have
and keep for myself."

649
00:28:00,240 --> 00:28:02,680
"I'mma keep all this fucking change.
Are you all right?"

650
00:28:03,480 --> 00:28:05,360
Got into the shop, my mind is gone blank.

651
00:28:05,440 --> 00:28:06,520
Poof.

652
00:28:06,600 --> 00:28:08,320
"Okay, what do I need to buy?"

653
00:28:08,400 --> 00:28:09,720
"What do I need to buy?"

654
00:28:09,800 --> 00:28:11,200
"Um…" [clicks tongue]

655
00:28:11,280 --> 00:28:14,840
"I need to buy something for myself
'cause I'm gonna keep the change."

656
00:28:14,920 --> 00:28:17,680
-"Uh… Okay. All right. All right."
-[audience laughter]

657
00:28:17,760 --> 00:28:20,320
"Let me just get that.
I think that's what she wanted."

658
00:28:20,400 --> 00:28:23,120
Then I got to keep £2.50 change.

659
00:28:23,200 --> 00:28:26,600
Let me tell you something. I took a pound,
saved that for the next day,

660
00:28:26,680 --> 00:28:29,440
and then in the shop,
I had £1.50 to spend.

661
00:28:29,520 --> 00:28:31,200
Do you know how much £1.50 is?

662
00:28:31,280 --> 00:28:34,680
Some things I was looking at in the shop,
like, I didn't care about them.

663
00:28:34,760 --> 00:28:37,160
Things I'd always want,
I'm like, "Don't want a Wham."

664
00:28:37,240 --> 00:28:38,240
"No, no onion rings."

665
00:28:38,320 --> 00:28:40,120
"No, you can fuck off, Freddo. No."

666
00:28:40,200 --> 00:28:42,160
-[audience laughter]
-I went to the fridge freezer,

667
00:28:42,240 --> 00:28:44,160
opened it up,
and you know what I picked up?

668
00:28:44,240 --> 00:28:46,160
A Magnum.

669
00:28:46,240 --> 00:28:47,960
-[audience cheering]
-Oh my gosh.

670
00:28:48,760 --> 00:28:50,600
A Magnum. I don't care what anyone says,

671
00:28:50,680 --> 00:28:54,720
a Magnum ice cream is the most top-tier
ice cream you can buy. Yeah?

672
00:28:54,800 --> 00:28:57,960
It comes in a nice foil,
air-concealed wrapper.

673
00:28:58,040 --> 00:29:00,400
Even the way to eat a Magnum, yeah?

674
00:29:00,480 --> 00:29:03,360
I took the long way home.
I devoured this Magnum, people.

675
00:29:03,440 --> 00:29:05,480
I turned it to the side,
I'd nibble the side,

676
00:29:05,560 --> 00:29:10,280
'cause that's how you start,
you nibble the side. [smacking lips]

677
00:29:10,360 --> 00:29:12,440
Then what happens,
as you nibble the side,

678
00:29:12,520 --> 00:29:15,320
then you turn it this way, yeah?
Turn it this way, yeah?

679
00:29:15,400 --> 00:29:17,880
On the left-hand side, break this off,

680
00:29:17,960 --> 00:29:21,280
get these little blades of chocolate
stuck to the ice cream, yeah?

681
00:29:21,360 --> 00:29:24,320
Take them blades of chocolate, people.
Eat them… [smacking lips]

682
00:29:24,400 --> 00:29:25,800
And guess what? Check this out.

683
00:29:25,880 --> 00:29:28,560
On the right-hand side,
there's another blade of chocolate…

684
00:29:28,640 --> 00:29:30,680
-[audience laughter]
-…stuck to the ice cream.

685
00:29:30,760 --> 00:29:33,080
Take that one off as well.
Eat that, enjoy that.

686
00:29:33,160 --> 00:29:34,400
[smacking lips]

687
00:29:34,480 --> 00:29:37,120
Devour the smooth, succulent ice cream.

688
00:29:37,200 --> 00:29:40,400
And just when you think your Magnum
is finished, my friend,

689
00:29:40,480 --> 00:29:41,800
it's not finished. Know why?

690
00:29:41,880 --> 00:29:45,920
You got these little clumps of chocolate
right at the bottom of the wooden stick.

691
00:29:46,000 --> 00:29:47,840
Oh my gosh!

692
00:29:47,920 --> 00:29:49,040
Enjoy them!

693
00:29:49,120 --> 00:29:52,080
-Clink, clink. Mm, mm, mm.
-[audience cheering and applauding]

694
00:29:52,160 --> 00:29:54,320
So good,
you will even eat the wooden stick.

695
00:29:54,400 --> 00:29:56,960
-Mmm, mwah.
-[audience laughter]

696
00:29:57,040 --> 00:29:58,760
Got home, felt rejuvenated.

697
00:29:58,840 --> 00:30:01,400
"There you go, Mum.
I got what you needed to get."  Boom.

698
00:30:01,480 --> 00:30:03,280
My mum looked at me, started laughing.

699
00:30:03,360 --> 00:30:06,320
[laughing]

700
00:30:06,400 --> 00:30:08,520
"Okay. All right." [laughs]

701
00:30:08,600 --> 00:30:12,320
"Okay. Okay, you got jokes.
Okay, all right, okay."

702
00:30:12,400 --> 00:30:14,160
I'm looking at her, "Uh…"

703
00:30:14,240 --> 00:30:16,560
"I do, I'm probably gonna be
a comedian one day, so…"

704
00:30:16,640 --> 00:30:18,600
-[laughs nervously]
-[audience laughter]

705
00:30:18,680 --> 00:30:20,440
"What's so funny? Okay."

706
00:30:20,520 --> 00:30:24,320
Now I realized that what happens
when my mum gets angry, she laughs.

707
00:30:24,400 --> 00:30:26,600
But I think it's actually funny
in this moment.

708
00:30:26,680 --> 00:30:28,960
'Cause you start seeing
my mum's buildup of anger.

709
00:30:29,040 --> 00:30:30,520
"Okay." [laughs]

710
00:30:30,600 --> 00:30:33,440
"Okay, all right. So I sent you
to the shop with five pounds,

711
00:30:33,520 --> 00:30:34,680
and that's what you got me?"

712
00:30:34,760 --> 00:30:37,520
"Okay. Mm. Okay. All right."

713
00:30:37,600 --> 00:30:40,160
"You must think I'm some kind of
[loudly] fucking idiot!"

714
00:30:40,240 --> 00:30:41,240
[audience laughter]

715
00:30:41,320 --> 00:30:44,960
"So you're telling me
you got Rice fucking Krispies?"

716
00:30:45,040 --> 00:30:48,120
"That's what you're telling me?
What did I say to get, huh?"

717
00:30:48,200 --> 00:30:50,400
"I said rice
and some cereal for breakfast,

718
00:30:50,480 --> 00:30:52,680
and you came back with Rice Krispies."

719
00:30:52,760 --> 00:30:54,920
-[audience laughter]
-"Hold on, let me ask you this."

720
00:30:55,000 --> 00:30:56,480
"Let me ask you something."

721
00:30:56,560 --> 00:31:00,040
"Last night, I was seasoning chicken,
and we was gonna have that for dinner."

722
00:31:00,120 --> 00:31:01,560
"What'll we have on the side?"

723
00:31:01,640 --> 00:31:05,400
"Look at my face and tell me
what we was gonna have on the side."

724
00:31:05,480 --> 00:31:06,440
"Um…"

725
00:31:07,320 --> 00:31:08,240
[sighs]

726
00:31:10,320 --> 00:31:12,600
"Um, maybe we was gonna have

727
00:31:13,600 --> 00:31:15,120
Rice Krispies?"

728
00:31:15,200 --> 00:31:16,600
"Okay, I'm not gonna lie,

729
00:31:16,680 --> 00:31:19,360
I'm gonna go prison for you kids today,
I'm not gonna lie."

730
00:31:19,440 --> 00:31:22,640
"I will fully go prison
for these fucking kids today."

731
00:31:22,720 --> 00:31:25,040
"I'm so mad. I'm so disappointed in you."

732
00:31:25,120 --> 00:31:26,440
"Where's my change?"

733
00:31:26,520 --> 00:31:27,880
[audience] Oh!

734
00:31:31,760 --> 00:31:34,480
-"I don't know where… I don't know."
-[audience laughter]

735
00:31:34,560 --> 00:31:37,640
"I don't know, Mum.
I don't know where it is."

736
00:31:37,720 --> 00:31:41,800
Now, at this point of you getting grilled,
do you know who wants to get involved?

737
00:31:41,880 --> 00:31:44,720
Little siblings, yeah?
They want to get involved.

738
00:31:44,800 --> 00:31:48,600
They want to ask for things at a time
you do not ask your mum for anything.

739
00:31:48,680 --> 00:31:52,080
We know the trick is, ask your mum
for things when she is on the phone,

740
00:31:52,160 --> 00:31:53,680
not when she's enraged.

741
00:31:53,760 --> 00:31:56,680
But they come hopping in,
these little siblings of yours.

742
00:31:56,760 --> 00:31:59,480
"Hello, Mummy! Hi, Mummy!
Oh hello, Mummy! Oh my gosh!"

743
00:31:59,560 --> 00:32:03,400
"Hello, Rice Krispies! Hello, Peppa Pig!
Mummy, can I have some Rice Krispies?"

744
00:32:03,480 --> 00:32:05,400
"Listen, you kids better
move out of my face

745
00:32:05,480 --> 00:32:08,880
before you all get snapped, crackled,
and fucking popped! Move!"

746
00:32:08,960 --> 00:32:10,360
"Move out of my face now!"

747
00:32:10,440 --> 00:32:13,000
"I don't like none of you kids.
Move out of my face!"

748
00:32:13,080 --> 00:32:14,440
[audience cheering]

749
00:32:14,520 --> 00:32:15,560
Consoling your sibling,

750
00:32:15,640 --> 00:32:18,960
"It's all right, man, don't worry.
Mum loves you. It's all right."

751
00:32:19,040 --> 00:32:22,920
Little sibling…
[crying] "I didn't even do anything!"

752
00:32:23,000 --> 00:32:25,120
-[audience laughter]
-[Mo laughs]

753
00:32:25,200 --> 00:32:27,760
"Shouldn't have gotten involved.
Why'd you get involved?"

754
00:32:27,840 --> 00:32:29,160
"Always getting involved."

755
00:32:29,240 --> 00:32:33,760
[stammering] "I just wanted Rice

756
00:32:33,840 --> 00:32:37,160
Krispies!"

757
00:32:37,240 --> 00:32:38,200
[audience laughter]

758
00:32:38,280 --> 00:32:40,680
"Why you getting involved?
Always involved, man."

759
00:32:40,760 --> 00:32:43,360
"You're adopted. You know you're adopted?
You know that?"

760
00:32:43,440 --> 00:32:46,960
"No, I'm not! N-No I'm not!"

761
00:32:47,040 --> 00:32:48,600
-[audience laughter]
-[Mo chuckles]

762
00:32:48,680 --> 00:32:50,520
[Mo laughing]

763
00:32:50,600 --> 00:32:53,640
That's what they do to little sibs.
"You are. Look at his toes."

764
00:32:53,720 --> 00:32:55,320
"Oh my days, look at his toes!"

765
00:32:55,400 --> 00:32:56,480
"No!"

766
00:32:56,560 --> 00:32:59,080
-"We ain't got them toes."
-[crying] "No, we do!"

767
00:32:59,160 --> 00:33:02,240
-[Mo laughing]
-[audience laughter]

768
00:33:03,920 --> 00:33:05,760
But I had to move out, man.

769
00:33:05,840 --> 00:33:09,080
Ended up moving in with my girlfriend.
That was an experience in itself.

770
00:33:09,160 --> 00:33:12,080
When you live with a partner,
that's a real test of relationships.

771
00:33:12,160 --> 00:33:14,480
You people in your honeymoon period,
you're pricks.

772
00:33:14,560 --> 00:33:16,120
You don't know real relationships.

773
00:33:16,200 --> 00:33:19,160
Went on holiday with each other?
No, you don't know each other.

774
00:33:19,240 --> 00:33:21,320
You know each other
when you live with each other.

775
00:33:21,400 --> 00:33:23,200
For example, interior design.

776
00:33:23,280 --> 00:33:25,640
Guys, not a chance. You can't buy nothing.

777
00:33:25,720 --> 00:33:27,560
Women love interior design.

778
00:33:27,640 --> 00:33:29,480
In their hearts,
they're all Carol Smillie.

779
00:33:29,560 --> 00:33:31,160
[audience laughter]

780
00:33:31,240 --> 00:33:34,480
You've all got your Pinterest right now
of your dream houses.

781
00:33:34,560 --> 00:33:37,160
And you know what women really want?
I'mma tell you.

782
00:33:37,240 --> 00:33:39,440
Know what they want? They want a kitchen…

783
00:33:39,520 --> 00:33:41,880
Not just any kitchen,
a kitchen with an island.

784
00:33:41,960 --> 00:33:44,880
-That's what they want. Yeah. Yeah.
-[audience cheering]

785
00:33:44,960 --> 00:33:48,000
Look at them. "Yes! Yes! Yes!"

786
00:33:48,080 --> 00:33:49,120
[Mo laughs]

787
00:33:49,200 --> 00:33:51,040
What? What, with a marble finish?

788
00:33:51,120 --> 00:33:53,960
-Oh shit!
-[audience cheering and laughing]

789
00:33:54,040 --> 00:33:58,080
So when you leave work in the morning,
it's like, "You're up, babes, morning!"

790
00:33:58,160 --> 00:33:59,000
"Breakfast!"

791
00:33:59,080 --> 00:34:01,080
[Mo laughs]

792
00:34:02,480 --> 00:34:04,840
And guys, do you know
what your one role is?

793
00:34:04,920 --> 00:34:07,240
Your one role is
take out the rubbish. That's it.

794
00:34:07,320 --> 00:34:09,120
Take out the rubbish.

795
00:34:09,200 --> 00:34:12,320
Sometimes you'll try
and throw it onto your missus, yeah?

796
00:34:12,400 --> 00:34:14,720
"I don't want to take out the rubbish.
You take it."

797
00:34:14,800 --> 00:34:17,040
"Me? Take out the rubbish?"

798
00:34:17,120 --> 00:34:18,680
"No! I could get murdered."

799
00:34:18,760 --> 00:34:20,920
-"Murdered?"
-[audience laughter]

800
00:34:21,000 --> 00:34:22,760
"By who, the Rubbish Man Murderer?"

801
00:34:22,840 --> 00:34:25,080
[audience laughter and applause]

802
00:34:25,160 --> 00:34:29,080
And also, in the household,
women, stop doing this thing, yeah?

803
00:34:29,160 --> 00:34:30,440
Stop doing this at night,

804
00:34:30,520 --> 00:34:33,400
when you've been on your phone
for three hours, yeah,

805
00:34:33,480 --> 00:34:35,040
and you put your phone down,

806
00:34:35,120 --> 00:34:38,560
and we must put down our phone as well!

807
00:34:38,640 --> 00:34:40,760
-No, man!
-[audience cheering and applauding]

808
00:34:40,840 --> 00:34:42,320
Fuck that. Come on, man!

809
00:34:42,400 --> 00:34:45,080
-[audience cheering]
-Fuck that! I knew you'd come up there.

810
00:34:45,160 --> 00:34:47,240
Come on, get up! Come on, my man.

811
00:34:47,320 --> 00:34:49,480
Come on, bruv. Fuck that, man!

812
00:34:50,080 --> 00:34:51,560
[audience whistling]

813
00:34:51,640 --> 00:34:53,160
[Mo laughs]

814
00:34:53,240 --> 00:34:55,120
It was so awkward. The last girl was like…

815
00:34:55,640 --> 00:34:58,640
[audience laughter]

816
00:34:58,720 --> 00:35:01,600
He's beside… "That what you think,
yeah? Okay, all right."

817
00:35:01,680 --> 00:35:03,800
-[audience laughter]
-[Mo laughs]

818
00:35:03,880 --> 00:35:07,000
I'm sorry if I got you in trouble.
I'm so sorry. [laughs]

819
00:35:07,080 --> 00:35:11,640
You was rejoicing, "Yeah, cuz! Yeah, cuz!
Every time, cuz."

820
00:35:11,720 --> 00:35:13,680
-[audience laughter]
-[Mo laughs]

821
00:35:14,440 --> 00:35:16,240
It all comes down to communication.

822
00:35:16,320 --> 00:35:18,760
Good communication,
you'll have a great relationship.

823
00:35:18,840 --> 00:35:20,920
'Cause right now,
everyone wants to go out.

824
00:35:21,000 --> 00:35:23,160
Post-lockdown blues,
we wanna go back to normal.

825
00:35:23,240 --> 00:35:26,400
We wanna go out raving, clubbing,
doing the things that we like doing.

826
00:35:26,480 --> 00:35:27,840
And we don't even communicate.

827
00:35:27,920 --> 00:35:31,280
I've got friends who are lads, geezers.
They go out whenever they like.

828
00:35:31,360 --> 00:35:32,600
I'm so jealous sometimes.

829
00:35:32,680 --> 00:35:35,520
Like, "Listen, Stace, I'm going out.
Fuck off." Boom.

830
00:35:35,600 --> 00:35:38,800
They are out! They are out
on a Saturday morning at 10:00 a.m.,

831
00:35:38,880 --> 00:35:40,880
getting a fry-up with the lads.

832
00:35:40,960 --> 00:35:43,240
Then twelve o'clock,
they go to the bookies.

833
00:35:43,320 --> 00:35:45,800
They put a bet on.
They're not doing big bets. 50p.

834
00:35:45,880 --> 00:35:47,520
-50p, you know.
-[audience laughter]

835
00:35:47,600 --> 00:35:49,520
50p bets, do an accumulator,

836
00:35:49,600 --> 00:35:52,720
-betting on 20 teams to win in one day.
-[audience laughter]

837
00:35:52,800 --> 00:35:54,840
And one team will let them down.

838
00:35:54,920 --> 00:35:58,280
"Fucking hell, Tottenham Hotspurs.
It's always Tottenham. Fuck's sake."

839
00:35:58,880 --> 00:35:59,880
[scattered cheering]

840
00:35:59,960 --> 00:36:03,760
Then all the lads meet up at the pub,
and that's where it goes off.

841
00:36:03,840 --> 00:36:06,920
-All the lads see each other, "Oh hey!"
-[audience laughter]

842
00:36:07,000 --> 00:36:10,160
Geezers are the only guys I know
who insult on entry.

843
00:36:10,240 --> 00:36:14,760
"What's happening? Fucking hell, Dino.
What's happening, you fat cunt? Oh hey!"

844
00:36:15,240 --> 00:36:18,200
They all start hitting his belly.
"Oh hey, fat boy! Oh hey!"

845
00:36:18,280 --> 00:36:19,440
[audience laughter]

846
00:36:19,520 --> 00:36:20,760
I'll tell you something.

847
00:36:20,840 --> 00:36:23,840
We do not insult each other
in the Black community. Not a chance.

848
00:36:23,920 --> 00:36:25,320
Not a chance. What, at entry?

849
00:36:25,400 --> 00:36:26,800
"Gwan, what are you saying?"

850
00:36:26,880 --> 00:36:29,720
"Man like Tyrone with your eczema.
What you telling me, my guy?"

851
00:36:29,800 --> 00:36:31,400
[audience laughter]

852
00:36:31,480 --> 00:36:35,480
"My brother, don't fucking do that.
Why you talking about my dry knees, cuz?"

853
00:36:35,560 --> 00:36:36,880
"Don't ever do that, cuz."

854
00:36:37,560 --> 00:36:40,000
"I will slap you with E45.
Don't ever do that."

855
00:36:40,080 --> 00:36:43,560
-[audience laughter]
-[Mo laughing]

856
00:36:44,440 --> 00:36:45,640
Then all the lads are there.

857
00:36:45,720 --> 00:36:48,760
And you've seen lads, geezers,
they all stick to the same drink.

858
00:36:48,840 --> 00:36:52,440
"What are you drinking? A pint?
Let's get him a pint. Get him drinking."

859
00:36:52,520 --> 00:36:55,080
One guy not drinking, Little Lee.
"What you drinking, Lee?"

860
00:36:55,160 --> 00:36:59,000
"No, I'm not drinking, mate.
Going on the straight and narrow now."

861
00:36:59,080 --> 00:37:03,200
"Been going to AA, really good for my mind
and health. Going through a bad patch."

862
00:37:03,280 --> 00:37:04,560
"What you drinking, though?"

863
00:37:04,640 --> 00:37:05,560
"Cranberry juice."

864
00:37:05,640 --> 00:37:07,440
"Cranberry juice?"

865
00:37:07,520 --> 00:37:09,720
"On your fucking period?
Get him a fucking pint."

866
00:37:09,800 --> 00:37:11,320
-[audience laughter]
-"Fucking crying…"

867
00:37:11,400 --> 00:37:12,640
[imitates nagging]

868
00:37:12,720 --> 00:37:14,720
-"Get him a fucking pint."
-[audience laughter]

869
00:37:14,800 --> 00:37:18,080
All the lads are there,
having the time of their life.

870
00:37:18,160 --> 00:37:19,720
They're letting their hair down.

871
00:37:19,800 --> 00:37:23,520
A lot of these guys have laboring jobs,
building jobs, sometimes even carpentry.

872
00:37:23,600 --> 00:37:25,000
You know these guys.

873
00:37:25,080 --> 00:37:28,360
Very stressful, intense jobs.
They're letting their hair down.

874
00:37:28,440 --> 00:37:31,840
'Cause these guys are double busy.
They've always got the van in traffic,

875
00:37:31,920 --> 00:37:33,600
just getting in beef with cyclists.

876
00:37:33,680 --> 00:37:38,200
"Get out of the road, 'cause
I'll break your legs right now, son."

877
00:37:38,280 --> 00:37:41,880
I love middle-class cyclists. Know why?
They don't even swear. They're like,

878
00:37:41,960 --> 00:37:44,560
"Why don't you shut up of your mouth now?"

879
00:37:44,640 --> 00:37:46,440
[audience laughter]

880
00:37:46,520 --> 00:37:50,520
"Shut, up, I'll break your legs."
"No, you won't, I've got my camera! Ha!"

881
00:37:50,600 --> 00:37:53,120
-[audience laughter]
-[Mo laughing]

882
00:37:53,200 --> 00:37:55,360
Them man will catch you
on the camera, boy.

883
00:37:55,440 --> 00:37:57,080
"You're on the camera now!"

884
00:37:57,160 --> 00:37:58,480
[audience laughter]

885
00:37:58,560 --> 00:37:59,920
"Get away from me!"

886
00:38:00,000 --> 00:38:02,360
-[audience laughter]
-[Mo laughs]

887
00:38:02,440 --> 00:38:04,960
"Lucky you got that camera,
or I'd smash your legs."

888
00:38:05,040 --> 00:38:06,760
[audience laughter]

889
00:38:06,840 --> 00:38:08,600
Is it just me? It can't just be me.

890
00:38:08,680 --> 00:38:11,080
Have you guys seen these cyclists
at the lights,

891
00:38:11,160 --> 00:38:13,720
the ones that get to the front,
these cocky pricks.

892
00:38:13,800 --> 00:38:17,600
They don't put their foot out to balance.
They balance on the bike. Seen these guys?

893
00:38:17,680 --> 00:38:19,000
Just grip the wheel, just…

894
00:38:19,080 --> 00:38:21,680
[gasping]

895
00:38:21,760 --> 00:38:23,880
Waiting for it to go green.
Fuck them guys.

896
00:38:23,960 --> 00:38:25,480
[audience laughter]

897
00:38:25,560 --> 00:38:29,440
Now it gets to about six o'clock.
This guy's been out since 10:00 a.m.

898
00:38:29,520 --> 00:38:33,760
He starts flagging a little bit,
contemplating whether he should go home.

899
00:38:34,400 --> 00:38:38,240
"Oh mate, I think I might call it a day.
No, I'm absolutely shattered."

900
00:38:38,320 --> 00:38:41,800
"Yeah, I've gotta slow down.
I've gotta absolutely slow down in life."

901
00:38:42,320 --> 00:38:46,320
"Spend some time with my little boy,
Archie. Yeah, spend some time with him."

902
00:38:46,400 --> 00:38:50,640
"He's only six years old, but I tell you,
he'll play for Chelsea when he's older."

903
00:38:50,720 --> 00:38:52,800
-[audience laughter]
-"Absolutely crazy, yeah."

904
00:38:52,880 --> 00:38:55,640
"I think I'm gonna go home,
spend some time with the missus."

905
00:38:55,720 --> 00:38:59,520
"Yeah, I think I'm gonna go home. Yeah.
I think I'll leave it tonight."

906
00:38:59,600 --> 00:39:00,840
All they need is one boost.

907
00:39:00,920 --> 00:39:02,720
"What's that? I'll have a beer. Yeah."

908
00:39:02,800 --> 00:39:06,120
"Ah yeah!"

909
00:39:06,200 --> 00:39:08,680
-[audience cheering]
-"Whoo, ah, yeah!"

910
00:39:08,760 --> 00:39:10,400
-[audience laughter]
-[Mo laughs]

911
00:39:10,480 --> 00:39:14,640
These guys start speaking
to anybody in the club.

912
00:39:14,720 --> 00:39:16,520
-[audience laughter]
-Eyes wide.

913
00:39:16,600 --> 00:39:18,640
Me and three Black guys,
minding our business.

914
00:39:18,720 --> 00:39:22,720
"What's happening? I don't know you,
you don't know me, I'm a normal bloke."

915
00:39:22,800 --> 00:39:25,080
"I don't understand
what's going on." [laughs]

916
00:39:25,160 --> 00:39:27,600
"You don't know me, good night,
I don't know you."

917
00:39:27,680 --> 00:39:29,280
"I fucking love you. Take care." [kisses]

918
00:39:29,360 --> 00:39:30,520
And they just kiss you!

919
00:39:30,600 --> 00:39:31,560
[audience laughter]

920
00:39:31,640 --> 00:39:34,280
They just kiss you for no reason.

921
00:39:34,360 --> 00:39:35,680
[audience laughter]

922
00:39:36,440 --> 00:39:38,680
I say to my friends
who are lads and geezers,

923
00:39:38,760 --> 00:39:42,880
"You lot, when you go out, you guys
seem like you have such a mad night."

924
00:39:42,960 --> 00:39:46,320
"What is the top-tier night?"
"I'll tell you what a top-tier night is."

925
00:39:46,400 --> 00:39:48,720
"Wanna know a top-tier night?
Getting into a scrap."

926
00:39:48,800 --> 00:39:50,920
I said, "What? What, like a fight?"

927
00:39:51,000 --> 00:39:53,040
They say, "Oh yeah.
I love getting into a fight."

928
00:39:53,120 --> 00:39:54,640
And that's why I like geezers.

929
00:39:54,720 --> 00:39:57,120
When they get into a fight,
there's no talking.

930
00:39:57,200 --> 00:39:58,520
"You what? You want some?"

931
00:39:58,600 --> 00:40:00,040
-Pow! Headbutt.
-[audience laughter]

932
00:40:00,120 --> 00:40:02,800
Straight headbutt, the fight is done.

933
00:40:02,880 --> 00:40:06,800
Tracy's like, "Fucking leave it!
Always fighting! Always fighting"

934
00:40:06,880 --> 00:40:09,520
"Leave it! Fuck you, Dave!"

935
00:40:10,200 --> 00:40:12,320
"Shut up!
Get in the fucking cab. Shut up!"

936
00:40:12,400 --> 00:40:13,440
[audience laughter]

937
00:40:13,520 --> 00:40:14,720
That's it, fight is done.

938
00:40:14,800 --> 00:40:17,520
But they'll be on the building site
Monday morning,

939
00:40:17,600 --> 00:40:19,640
-exaggerating the fight.
-[audience laughter]

940
00:40:19,720 --> 00:40:22,920
Geezers and lads will tell you
the best fight stories you've ever heard.

941
00:40:23,000 --> 00:40:27,280
"So basically, bruv, guy's come up to me,
fucking seven-foot Anthony Joshua cunt,

942
00:40:27,360 --> 00:40:28,400
he comes up to me."

943
00:40:28,480 --> 00:40:30,920
"He's already swung.
I've gone full-on Matrix."

944
00:40:31,000 --> 00:40:33,840
"'You slag.' Straight up."

945
00:40:33,920 --> 00:40:35,840
"Pow! Headbutted him. I swear to you."

946
00:40:35,920 --> 00:40:37,960
"Headbutted him.
I swear on me nan's grave…"

947
00:40:38,040 --> 00:40:42,120
"I swear to you, his nose came off.
I swear, his nose actually came off."

948
00:40:42,720 --> 00:40:44,680
"Little Lee was doing kick-ups with it."

949
00:40:44,760 --> 00:40:46,720
"His nose come off.
I swear on me nan's grave."

950
00:40:46,800 --> 00:40:48,960
"I wouldn't lie on me nan's grave,
would I?"

951
00:40:49,040 --> 00:40:51,200
-[audience laughter]
-[Mo chuckles]

952
00:40:52,200 --> 00:40:55,640
Difference is, in the Black community,
we don't even like to fight.

953
00:40:55,720 --> 00:40:57,080
You've seen it when it kicks off.

954
00:40:57,160 --> 00:41:00,320
It's one guy asking everyone questions
apart from the guy he'll fight.

955
00:41:00,400 --> 00:41:02,160
"What? Is this guy mad?"

956
00:41:02,240 --> 00:41:04,120
[audience laughter]

957
00:41:04,200 --> 00:41:06,320
"Talk to this guy,
'cause I'm getting mad!"

958
00:41:06,840 --> 00:41:09,000
"Who's this guy? Talk to my man now!"

959
00:41:09,080 --> 00:41:10,520
"Does he know who I am?"

960
00:41:10,600 --> 00:41:12,520
[audience laughter]

961
00:41:13,920 --> 00:41:17,000
Even Chantal gets involved
'cause she knows both parties.

962
00:41:17,080 --> 00:41:20,680
"Why you lot always gotta fight for,
man, every fucking time, man?"

963
00:41:20,760 --> 00:41:23,400
"Can't even have a good night.
You lot always wanna fight."

964
00:41:23,480 --> 00:41:26,160
"No, man, you lot are dusty,
you need to allow that."

965
00:41:26,240 --> 00:41:28,600
[babbling mockingly]

966
00:41:28,680 --> 00:41:31,120
[audience laughter]

967
00:41:31,200 --> 00:41:34,560
Chantal will get involved, though.
She'll back it for the man, Chantal.

968
00:41:34,640 --> 00:41:37,760
You've seen Chantal after the fight.
One shoe on, one shoe off.

969
00:41:37,840 --> 00:41:40,960
-[breathing heavily]
-[audience laughter]

970
00:41:41,040 --> 00:41:43,040
-"Where's my phone?"
-[audience laughter]

971
00:41:43,120 --> 00:41:45,680
"I need my phone. I can't find my phone."

972
00:41:46,560 --> 00:41:48,120
With one titty out.

973
00:41:48,200 --> 00:41:50,640
-[audience laughter]
-"I need my phone."

974
00:41:50,720 --> 00:41:53,640
"What? What are you looking at? What?"

975
00:41:53,720 --> 00:41:55,120
"What?"

976
00:41:55,200 --> 00:41:57,160
And then she just puts
Jamaican twang in it.

977
00:41:57,240 --> 00:41:59,760
"What are you looking at?
Can be a bad gyal, you know?"

978
00:41:59,840 --> 00:42:01,400
"What?"

979
00:42:01,480 --> 00:42:04,760
-[audience laughter]
-[Mo laughing]

980
00:42:04,840 --> 00:42:05,840
The men are just like,

981
00:42:05,920 --> 00:42:09,240
"I'm looking at that titty.
Not gonna lie, I'm looking at the titty."

982
00:42:09,320 --> 00:42:12,040
"You looking at her titty?
Me too, I'm looking at her titty."

983
00:42:12,120 --> 00:42:13,640
There's always one horny friend.

984
00:42:13,720 --> 00:42:16,200
"I ain't gonna lie,
I'll suck that titty now on the street."

985
00:42:16,280 --> 00:42:18,440
[audience laughter]

986
00:42:18,520 --> 00:42:21,040
Even me, I don't like fighting.
I never liked fighting.

987
00:42:21,120 --> 00:42:23,800
I've never been a fighter.
I like to call myself a defender.

988
00:42:23,880 --> 00:42:27,840
I find ways to defend myself in fights,
every situation.

989
00:42:28,440 --> 00:42:30,520
For example, I've got small wrists, yeah?

990
00:42:30,600 --> 00:42:33,760
This is a hazard for me, yeah?
Small wrists, yeah?

991
00:42:33,840 --> 00:42:35,720
If someone holds my wrist, that's it.

992
00:42:35,800 --> 00:42:37,360
So you know what I do every day?

993
00:42:37,440 --> 00:42:40,400
-I make sure I cream my arms, yeah?
-[audience laughter]

994
00:42:40,480 --> 00:42:42,000
Just in case someone holds me,

995
00:42:42,080 --> 00:42:44,600
-I go, "Get the fuck off me, bruv."
-[audience laughter]

996
00:42:44,680 --> 00:42:48,240
"Don't fucking touch these smooth wrists.
Get the fuck off me, bruv."

997
00:42:48,320 --> 00:42:49,720
"How dare you?"

998
00:42:50,680 --> 00:42:53,680
But even back in the day,
I didn't like fighting. Yeah?

999
00:42:53,760 --> 00:42:57,120
We used to settle it, back in the day,
by doing clash. That's what we'd do.

1000
00:42:57,200 --> 00:42:59,480
We'd go to the youth club
and we'd do a clash.

1001
00:42:59,560 --> 00:43:02,320
That's what our mentors would say.
"No, man. Fighting? Fuck that."

1002
00:43:02,400 --> 00:43:03,560
"Just spray on the mic."

1003
00:43:03,640 --> 00:43:06,520
That's what we'd do,
cuss each other's mums at the youth club.

1004
00:43:06,600 --> 00:43:09,560
I'll take you back
to what we used to do in the youth club.

1005
00:43:09,640 --> 00:43:11,000
I'mma split the room in half.

1006
00:43:11,080 --> 00:43:13,160
You guys are the left side, yeah?

1007
00:43:13,240 --> 00:43:16,280
So I'm gonna give you your word
for the clash. Your word is "okay."

1008
00:43:16,360 --> 00:43:17,560
Let's try. Here we go.

1009
00:43:17,640 --> 00:43:18,800
One, two, three.

1010
00:43:18,880 --> 00:43:19,840
[audience] Okay.

1011
00:43:19,920 --> 00:43:20,880
Okay, not too bad.

1012
00:43:20,960 --> 00:43:23,120
Your voice is deep. Oh my gosh, bruv.

1013
00:43:23,200 --> 00:43:24,200
[deep voice] "Okay!"

1014
00:43:24,280 --> 00:43:25,360
[audience laughter]

1015
00:43:25,440 --> 00:43:28,760
Okay. All right. Now, right-hand side.
You guys are the right-hand side.

1016
00:43:28,840 --> 00:43:31,160
Now, everybody on the right-hand side,

1017
00:43:31,240 --> 00:43:35,400
your word of choice
is gonna be "dickhead." Is that all right?

1018
00:43:35,480 --> 00:43:38,720
-[audience cheering]
-Okay. Fantastic. Look at them talking.

1019
00:43:38,800 --> 00:43:42,240
"I think that's fine. We don't need
to practice. I know this word by heart."

1020
00:43:42,320 --> 00:43:44,320
-[audience laughter]
-Okay, all right.

1021
00:43:44,400 --> 00:43:46,920
DJ, run the track, please.

1022
00:43:47,000 --> 00:43:49,400
-Okay. Okay.
-[hip hop playing]

1023
00:43:49,480 --> 00:43:52,600
When I point to you, that is your time.
We'll go to the left first.

1024
00:43:52,680 --> 00:43:55,000
♪ Okay
Let me talk to the left side ♪

1025
00:43:55,080 --> 00:43:57,000
-♪ Everybody say… ♪
-[audience] Okay!

1026
00:43:57,080 --> 00:43:58,400
♪ Let me talk to the left side ♪

1027
00:43:58,480 --> 00:44:00,200
-♪ Everybody say… ♪
-[audience] Okay!

1028
00:44:00,280 --> 00:44:01,720
♪ Let me talk to the right side ♪

1029
00:44:01,800 --> 00:44:03,960
-♪ We call the left side… ♪
-[audience] Dickhead!

1030
00:44:04,040 --> 00:44:05,920
♪ Let me talk to the right
We call the left… ♪

1031
00:44:06,000 --> 00:44:07,440
[audience] Dickhead!

1032
00:44:07,520 --> 00:44:08,440
[Mo laughs]

1033
00:44:08,520 --> 00:44:09,880
[audience laughter]

1034
00:44:09,960 --> 00:44:11,640
[Mo laughing]

1035
00:44:11,720 --> 00:44:14,520
-[audience cheering]
-[Mo laughing]

1036
00:44:15,400 --> 00:44:18,360
-The right side waited their whole life…
-[audience laughter]

1037
00:44:18,440 --> 00:44:20,240
…to say that "dickhead," yeah?

1038
00:44:20,320 --> 00:44:25,920
Look at you scoundrels in the middle.
"Yeah, I'm on this side now, so, yeah."

1039
00:44:26,000 --> 00:44:29,360
Look at the left side, you're fuming.
"Can we get another word?"

1040
00:44:29,440 --> 00:44:32,840
Okay. All right. I'mma give you guys
a better word on the left side.

1041
00:44:32,920 --> 00:44:34,000
Your new word is

1042
00:44:34,600 --> 00:44:36,360
"wankers." Is that okay?

1043
00:44:36,440 --> 00:44:37,880
-[audience] Yes!
-Yeah? Yeah?

1044
00:44:37,960 --> 00:44:39,080
You gotta really say it.

1045
00:44:39,160 --> 00:44:42,440
If you wanna do the hand
and get involved, get involved, yeah?

1046
00:44:42,520 --> 00:44:44,640
Okay, right-hand side, how's it going?

1047
00:44:44,720 --> 00:44:47,280
-They're like, "We're 1 and 0 so far."
-[audience cheering]

1048
00:44:47,360 --> 00:44:50,120
So, right-hand side, you've been upgraded.

1049
00:44:50,200 --> 00:44:52,800
Your word on the right-hand side
is gonna be

1050
00:44:53,680 --> 00:44:54,720
"pussyhole."

1051
00:44:54,800 --> 00:44:56,640
-Yeah?
-[audience laughter]

1052
00:44:56,720 --> 00:44:58,080
Ooh.

1053
00:44:58,160 --> 00:45:00,680
Oh my gosh. Wow.

1054
00:45:01,320 --> 00:45:04,880
Okay, DJ, run the track, please.

1055
00:45:04,960 --> 00:45:06,680
-[hip hop plays]
-♪ Let me talk to the left ♪

1056
00:45:06,760 --> 00:45:08,960
-♪ We call the right… ♪
-[audience] Wanker!

1057
00:45:09,040 --> 00:45:10,920
♪ Let me talk to the left
We call the right… ♪

1058
00:45:11,000 --> 00:45:12,000
[audience] Wanker!

1059
00:45:12,080 --> 00:45:14,240
♪ Let me talk to the right side
We tell them… ♪

1060
00:45:14,320 --> 00:45:16,000
[audience] Pussyhole!

1061
00:45:16,080 --> 00:45:18,680
[audience laughing and applauding]

1062
00:45:18,760 --> 00:45:22,960
-[Mo laughing]
-[audience cheering and whistling]

1063
00:45:27,040 --> 00:45:29,640
No. No.

1064
00:45:29,720 --> 00:45:33,560
Did you lot see their lips? Everyone
on the right side, their lips went…

1065
00:45:34,960 --> 00:45:36,760
[audience laughter]

1066
00:45:36,840 --> 00:45:38,760
Some of you lot were gonna explode!

1067
00:45:38,840 --> 00:45:40,240
[audience laughter]

1068
00:45:40,320 --> 00:45:42,760
Sixty-year-old Barbara over there,
"Pussyhole!"

1069
00:45:42,840 --> 00:45:43,760
[audience laughter]

1070
00:45:43,840 --> 00:45:46,960
"Give it to them!
They're not even on time over there!"

1071
00:45:47,040 --> 00:45:48,880
[audience laughter]

1072
00:45:48,960 --> 00:45:51,360
Oh, left-hand side, man.

1073
00:45:51,440 --> 00:45:54,320
All right. Okay.
What I'm gonna do now, I'll be fair. Okay.

1074
00:45:54,400 --> 00:45:57,880
Is there a word that you guys collectively
would like to have as your word?

1075
00:45:57,960 --> 00:45:59,040
Is there a word?

1076
00:45:59,120 --> 00:46:00,440
[audience shouting]

1077
00:46:00,520 --> 00:46:03,600
-"Bumboclaat"? Ooh.
-[audience laughter]

1078
00:46:03,680 --> 00:46:05,480
Okay, you've woke up.

1079
00:46:05,560 --> 00:46:08,080
-Thanks for coming, left side. Finally!
-[audience laughter]

1080
00:46:08,160 --> 00:46:11,680
Look at these scumbags in the middle.
"Yeah, I think I'm on this side now."

1081
00:46:12,200 --> 00:46:14,400
Okay, your one is "bumboclaat."

1082
00:46:14,480 --> 00:46:16,280
-Okay. Nice.
-[audience cheering]

1083
00:46:16,360 --> 00:46:18,560
How's it going, right side?
Doing well, fantastic.

1084
00:46:18,640 --> 00:46:20,880
-[audience cheering]
-Now, guys, you're on level three.

1085
00:46:20,960 --> 00:46:22,560
I'll tell you what word you have.

1086
00:46:22,640 --> 00:46:24,720
I'm gonna go into my safe, okay.

1087
00:46:24,800 --> 00:46:26,680
Here we go. We're going very vintage.

1088
00:46:26,760 --> 00:46:28,160
[gasps] Oh my gosh.

1089
00:46:28,240 --> 00:46:30,600
Know what you have on the right side?
Oh my gosh.

1090
00:46:30,680 --> 00:46:33,240
You've hit the jackpot.
Know what you guys have got?

1091
00:46:33,320 --> 00:46:34,320
"Suck your mum."

1092
00:46:34,400 --> 00:46:36,920
[audience laughing and cheering]

1093
00:46:37,000 --> 00:46:38,480
Oh my gosh.

1094
00:46:39,160 --> 00:46:40,640
Patience is the virtue.

1095
00:46:40,720 --> 00:46:41,840
That's what it is.

1096
00:46:42,600 --> 00:46:43,840
Oh my gosh.

1097
00:46:43,920 --> 00:46:46,560
"Bumboclaat" versus
"Suck your mum." [gasps]

1098
00:46:46,640 --> 00:46:48,760
-[audience laughter]
-Oh my gosh.

1099
00:46:49,400 --> 00:46:52,240
DJ, run the track one last time.

1100
00:46:52,320 --> 00:46:53,640
-Okay.
-[hip hop plays]

1101
00:46:53,720 --> 00:46:54,840
♪ Let me talk to the left ♪

1102
00:46:54,920 --> 00:46:56,960
-♪ We tell the right side… ♪
-[audience] Bumboclaat!

1103
00:46:57,040 --> 00:46:58,960
♪ Let me talk to the left
We tell the right… ♪

1104
00:46:59,040 --> 00:47:00,200
[audience] Bumboclaat!

1105
00:47:00,280 --> 00:47:02,440
♪ Let me talk to the right side
We tell them… ♪

1106
00:47:02,520 --> 00:47:04,440
[audience] Suck your mum!

1107
00:47:05,200 --> 00:47:06,720
[audience cheering]

1108
00:47:06,800 --> 00:47:09,360
-[Mo laughing]
-[audience cheering]

1109
00:47:10,120 --> 00:47:14,400
-[Mo laughing]
-[audience cheering]

1110
00:47:14,480 --> 00:47:17,040
This guy standing up
like he started it. "Yeah!"

1111
00:47:17,120 --> 00:47:19,000
[audience laughter]

1112
00:47:19,080 --> 00:47:23,080
I don't even know how we got here.
Basically what I'm trying to say… [laughs]

1113
00:47:23,160 --> 00:47:25,360
…is guys, if you want to go out,
just go out.

1114
00:47:25,440 --> 00:47:29,400
Stop doing this random amnesia
that we do on a Thursday night

1115
00:47:29,480 --> 00:47:31,120
sitting there with our missus, like,

1116
00:47:31,200 --> 00:47:33,880
"Oh. By the way, do you know what, babes?"

1117
00:47:34,680 --> 00:47:36,640
"I just realized, yeah,

1118
00:47:36,720 --> 00:47:39,120
I'm going out on Saturday,
you know? Yeah."

1119
00:47:39,200 --> 00:47:40,640
-"Yeah."
-[audience laughter]

1120
00:47:40,720 --> 00:47:44,200
'Cause in this moment,
your missus is fuming. Yeah?

1121
00:47:44,280 --> 00:47:46,640
"Oh, that's nice.
Really good for you, okay."

1122
00:47:46,720 --> 00:47:48,880
"Fantastic. You didn't say
nothing about this."

1123
00:47:48,960 --> 00:47:51,760
Then, guys, we pretend like
we don't want to go out, don't we?

1124
00:47:51,840 --> 00:47:55,520
"Yeah, I'm not gonna lie, I don't even
know if I want to go, you know?"

1125
00:47:55,600 --> 00:47:58,560
-[audience laughter]
-"Yeah, I don't even know, you know?"

1126
00:47:58,640 --> 00:48:00,920
Your missus will test you as well,
you know?

1127
00:48:01,000 --> 00:48:03,040
"Yeah, I don't even know if I want to go."

1128
00:48:03,120 --> 00:48:04,600
"Maybe you should stay with me."

1129
00:48:04,680 --> 00:48:07,440
"We'll get a Chinese and watch
the Sex and the City movie."

1130
00:48:07,520 --> 00:48:08,680
[audience laughter]

1131
00:48:08,760 --> 00:48:12,920
"Yeah, I'm probably gonna have to go,
you know, babes. Yeah."

1132
00:48:13,680 --> 00:48:18,520
Saturday comes, guys,
you're absolutely feeling yourself, yeah?

1133
00:48:18,600 --> 00:48:20,440
Aren't you, guys? You're in the shower,

1134
00:48:20,520 --> 00:48:23,480
you got your music playing
in the sink for the echo vibrations.

1135
00:48:24,240 --> 00:48:26,480
You look in the mirror,
you're feeling yourself,

1136
00:48:26,560 --> 00:48:29,680
you look in the mirror like,
"What? [laughs] Man like you."

1137
00:48:29,760 --> 00:48:30,960
[audience laughter]

1138
00:48:31,040 --> 00:48:34,280
"What?" The mirror even goes,
"No, bruv, man like you."

1139
00:48:34,360 --> 00:48:35,320
[audience laughter]

1140
00:48:35,400 --> 00:48:39,200
Your missus is fuming. She's sitting
on the sofa with Sudocrem on her face.

1141
00:48:39,280 --> 00:48:41,400
-Pow, pow, pow, pow.
-[audience laughter]

1142
00:48:41,480 --> 00:48:45,200
-[mockingly] "Man like you. Man like you."
-[audience laughter]

1143
00:48:45,280 --> 00:48:46,840
She is fuming.

1144
00:48:46,920 --> 00:48:48,280
You're just about to leave.

1145
00:48:48,360 --> 00:48:50,560
"Yeah, gwan, my guy,
you're outside, yeah?"

1146
00:48:50,640 --> 00:48:53,720
"Okay, let me bring the lemonade
for the mixer, let me bring that."

1147
00:48:53,800 --> 00:48:55,720
Out of nowhere,
"Don't take that lemonade."

1148
00:48:55,800 --> 00:48:58,800
"That's mine. I was gonna
drink that tonight by myself."

1149
00:48:58,880 --> 00:48:59,960
[audience laughter]

1150
00:49:00,760 --> 00:49:03,520
"Babe, that's been in the fridge
for, like, four weeks."

1151
00:49:03,600 --> 00:49:06,960
"Yeah, and I'm gonna drink it by myself
'cause you're not gonna be here, yes."

1152
00:49:07,040 --> 00:49:08,000
[audience laughter]

1153
00:49:08,080 --> 00:49:10,920
Guys, when your missus
is feeling like this, just go.

1154
00:49:11,000 --> 00:49:13,320
Just go and enjoy yourself.
But what do you do?

1155
00:49:13,400 --> 00:49:16,360
You want to see what's wrong.
Don't you, guys? You wanna inspect.

1156
00:49:16,440 --> 00:49:20,080
"Babes, what's wrong? You seem
like you're in some kind of mood."

1157
00:49:20,160 --> 00:49:23,440
"What's wrong with you? What's wrong?
I'm about to go out. What's wrong?"

1158
00:49:23,520 --> 00:49:24,680
"No, I'm absolutely fine."

1159
00:49:24,760 --> 00:49:27,480
"I'm having a great time by myself,
so I'm fine, yeah."

1160
00:49:28,080 --> 00:49:30,640
"I can tell you're not fine
so I'm saying, what's wrong?"

1161
00:49:30,720 --> 00:49:33,640
"Sorry, why are you shouting right now?"

1162
00:49:33,720 --> 00:49:35,400
"Why are you shouting?"

1163
00:49:35,480 --> 00:49:39,920
You don't know if you're shouting or not.
"What? Was I shouting? I wasn't shouting."

1164
00:49:40,000 --> 00:49:41,600
"What are you talking about?"

1165
00:49:41,680 --> 00:49:43,880
"Babes, you seem like you're in a mood."

1166
00:49:43,960 --> 00:49:46,920
"I'm gonna go out with my friends,
and you seem pissed off."

1167
00:49:47,000 --> 00:49:49,440
"What do you mean, I'm in a mood,
and you're going out?"

1168
00:49:49,520 --> 00:49:51,920
"No, don't gaslight me.
Why are you gaslight…"

1169
00:49:52,000 --> 00:49:55,840
"What you're doing is gaslighting.
That's what you're doing."

1170
00:49:55,920 --> 00:49:58,640
Sorry, women, where the fuck
did you find this word from?

1171
00:49:58,720 --> 00:49:59,880
[audience laughter]

1172
00:49:59,960 --> 00:50:02,280
"Gaslighting."
Us guys don't even know what it means.

1173
00:50:02,360 --> 00:50:05,680
-"What, gaslighting? Lighting of the gas?"
-[audience laughter]

1174
00:50:05,760 --> 00:50:08,840
"So, hold on. Are you on fire
if I'm gonna light this gas?"

1175
00:50:08,920 --> 00:50:11,400
"I don't understand.
Do I work for British Gas?"

1176
00:50:11,480 --> 00:50:13,640
"Why would I light the gas?
I don't understand."

1177
00:50:13,720 --> 00:50:17,840
Then you women hit us with a phrase
that you absolutely love.

1178
00:50:17,920 --> 00:50:21,360
This phrase has been
the downfall of man for centuries.

1179
00:50:21,440 --> 00:50:22,840
You know the phrase.

1180
00:50:22,920 --> 00:50:26,400
-"Do you know what? Do whatever you want."
-[audience laughter]

1181
00:50:26,480 --> 00:50:28,040
"Do whatever you like."

1182
00:50:28,120 --> 00:50:31,320
"I don't care.
Do whatever you want. Yeah?"

1183
00:50:32,000 --> 00:50:34,360
Guys, don't do whatever you want.
It's a trick.

1184
00:50:34,440 --> 00:50:35,440
[audience laughter]

1185
00:50:35,520 --> 00:50:38,320
Don't do whatever you like.
Just go out with the guys.

1186
00:50:38,400 --> 00:50:40,160
You know what it's like with the guys.

1187
00:50:40,240 --> 00:50:42,440
It's a different energy,
especially in the club.

1188
00:50:42,520 --> 00:50:45,080
Ten guys on a table.
Everyone's being cool.

1189
00:50:45,160 --> 00:50:47,000
You see them on the table, being cool.

1190
00:50:47,080 --> 00:50:49,600
You've got the music
playing in the club, yeah?

1191
00:50:49,680 --> 00:50:51,360
All the guys do the pictures.

1192
00:50:51,440 --> 00:50:53,000
"Come, come. Picture, picture."

1193
00:50:53,080 --> 00:50:54,440
[hip hop playing]

1194
00:50:54,520 --> 00:50:56,360
[audience laughter]

1195
00:50:57,360 --> 00:50:59,040
[audience laughter]

1196
00:50:59,120 --> 00:51:02,400
Even people take pictures
like they're a bad man, yeah?

1197
00:51:02,480 --> 00:51:05,280
Tim works with kids. He's a teacher, yeah?

1198
00:51:05,360 --> 00:51:08,480
But when he's with the guys,
he takes a picture like he's a bad man.

1199
00:51:08,560 --> 00:51:10,640
You've seen Tim's pictures on Instagram.

1200
00:51:11,960 --> 00:51:14,120
[audience laughter]

1201
00:51:15,840 --> 00:51:18,400
With the caption,
"Money is the pain that caused it."

1202
00:51:18,480 --> 00:51:21,000
-What are you talking about, man?
-[audience laughter]

1203
00:51:21,080 --> 00:51:23,800
There's only one guy in the group
enjoying himself, yeah?

1204
00:51:23,880 --> 00:51:25,720
There's always a tense friend,
isn't there?

1205
00:51:25,800 --> 00:51:27,680
The tense friend, distressed.

1206
00:51:27,760 --> 00:51:30,880
"Yo, blud, you know this guy?
I'll bang him in the face for you."

1207
00:51:30,960 --> 00:51:32,920
"What? Why you gonna
bang him in the face?"

1208
00:51:33,000 --> 00:51:35,240
"He's the fucking waiter.
What's wrong with you?"

1209
00:51:35,320 --> 00:51:37,440
-[audience laughter]
-Only one guy is dancing.

1210
00:51:37,520 --> 00:51:40,520
He's doing them new TikTok dances.
You've seen these guys, yeah?

1211
00:51:41,720 --> 00:51:45,680
[audience laughter]

1212
00:51:47,440 --> 00:51:49,160
"Hey!"

1213
00:51:49,240 --> 00:51:51,480
He's having too much fun.
Can't have too much fun.

1214
00:51:51,560 --> 00:51:53,440
"Bruv, don't do that, man."

1215
00:51:53,520 --> 00:51:56,160
[audience laughter]

1216
00:51:56,240 --> 00:51:57,160
And what happens?

1217
00:51:57,240 --> 00:52:00,040
The mandem start putting it
on their Insta stories.

1218
00:52:00,120 --> 00:52:03,880
You know what it's like, women.
You are checking them stories, aren't you?

1219
00:52:03,960 --> 00:52:08,360
All the mandem. "Yo, he telling me
my guy put it on the story?"

1220
00:52:08,440 --> 00:52:11,960
"Hey! Hey! Hey!"

1221
00:52:12,040 --> 00:52:14,680
"Having the time of my life right now!"

1222
00:52:14,760 --> 00:52:16,960
And just as you're having
the time of your life,

1223
00:52:17,040 --> 00:52:20,480
your missus will send you
that dissertation text, yeah?

1224
00:52:20,560 --> 00:52:22,240
During the dance, yeah?

1225
00:52:25,080 --> 00:52:28,040
[audience laughter]

1226
00:52:30,800 --> 00:52:33,680
You know when the texts are so long,
it says, "Read more"?

1227
00:52:33,760 --> 00:52:35,240
[audience laughter]

1228
00:52:35,320 --> 00:52:38,080
-[audience cheering]
-[Mo laughing]

1229
00:52:38,160 --> 00:52:39,920
-[audience applauding]
-[Mo laughing]

1230
00:52:40,000 --> 00:52:43,000
Look at all these witches clapping.
"Yeah, that's what we do."

1231
00:52:43,080 --> 00:52:45,080
-[audience laughter]
-"Fuck up their shit."

1232
00:52:46,160 --> 00:52:49,520
'Cause, guys, we be fuming, innit?
Oh my gosh, we'll be fuming.

1233
00:52:50,160 --> 00:52:54,240
Just sitting there, contemplating life.
"No, I can't do this anymore. No, man."

1234
00:52:54,320 --> 00:52:56,480
"Me? Why would you do this to me?"

1235
00:52:56,560 --> 00:52:57,800
"No, man, me, you know?"

1236
00:52:57,880 --> 00:53:01,000
"Do you know how cold I am at FIFA,
and you want to do this to me?"

1237
00:53:01,080 --> 00:53:02,080
"No, man."

1238
00:53:02,720 --> 00:53:06,320
Just got your little McDonald's
20 nuggets, you're fuming, yeah?

1239
00:53:06,400 --> 00:53:08,520
"Don't even want to eat this now,
I'm fuming."

1240
00:53:09,120 --> 00:53:10,760
What happens? You know what happens?

1241
00:53:10,840 --> 00:53:14,080
Guys, you put your keys in the door,
and then all of a sudden,

1242
00:53:14,160 --> 00:53:17,120
you women turn
into Hollywood actresses, yeah?

1243
00:53:17,200 --> 00:53:19,240
That key goes in the door,
and you're awake,

1244
00:53:19,320 --> 00:53:20,640
but when you hear that key…

1245
00:53:20,720 --> 00:53:21,560
[gasps]

1246
00:53:21,640 --> 00:53:23,920
-[snores]
-[audience laughter]

1247
00:53:29,640 --> 00:53:30,520
"Babes."

1248
00:53:32,320 --> 00:53:33,240
"Babes."

1249
00:53:33,320 --> 00:53:34,680
[audience laughter]

1250
00:53:35,560 --> 00:53:37,240
"Babes, are you sleeping, babes?"

1251
00:53:38,560 --> 00:53:39,800
"Huh? Huh?"

1252
00:53:39,880 --> 00:53:41,560
[audience laughter]

1253
00:53:41,640 --> 00:53:43,360
[yawns]

1254
00:53:44,200 --> 00:53:47,080
"Mm, yeah, I was sleeping, yeah."

1255
00:53:47,160 --> 00:53:49,600
-[audience laughter]
-"Mm, what time is it?"

1256
00:53:49,680 --> 00:53:51,680
-"Oh, 3:00 a.m.?"
-[audience laughter]

1257
00:53:51,760 --> 00:53:53,680
"Oh, have a good night, though, yeah?"

1258
00:53:53,760 --> 00:53:55,120
-"Mm."
-[audience laughter]

1259
00:53:55,200 --> 00:53:57,920
"Yeah, I had a good night.
I wanted to quickly speak to you."

1260
00:53:58,000 --> 00:54:01,320
"I know it's kind of late,
but I wanna get some things off my chest."

1261
00:54:01,400 --> 00:54:02,760
"Oh."

1262
00:54:02,840 --> 00:54:04,880
-"Okay, it's a bit late, but…"
-[audience laughter]

1263
00:54:04,960 --> 00:54:08,800
"Mm, okay, well, yeah.
Say what you say, what's up? What's up?"

1264
00:54:08,880 --> 00:54:12,120
"So basically, um, you know,
like, obviously, like,

1265
00:54:12,200 --> 00:54:15,400
I was… I was… you know,
I got my little food after the rave,

1266
00:54:15,480 --> 00:54:18,080
and I was just thinking to myself,
like how I feel."

1267
00:54:18,160 --> 00:54:20,240
"Sorry, what'd you say? What'd you say?"

1268
00:54:20,320 --> 00:54:22,360
"I'm saying I was thinking to myself."

1269
00:54:22,440 --> 00:54:23,440
"No, before that."

1270
00:54:23,520 --> 00:54:26,720
"I'm saying I got some food
before I came and stuff, innit, so--"

1271
00:54:26,800 --> 00:54:29,040
"Yeah, okay, all right.
Say what you're saying."

1272
00:54:29,120 --> 00:54:30,400
"Um…"

1273
00:54:30,480 --> 00:54:34,200
"Okay, basically, yeah,
I just feel like in a relationship,

1274
00:54:34,280 --> 00:54:37,080
if I want to go out,
I should be able to go out when I want,

1275
00:54:37,160 --> 00:54:40,120
because at the end of the day,
I should be free and do what I want."

1276
00:54:40,200 --> 00:54:42,160
"Okay, all right, sorry,
can I stop you there?"

1277
00:54:42,240 --> 00:54:45,920
"Can I stop you there? Sorry.
Um, can I just stop you one second?"

1278
00:54:46,000 --> 00:54:48,200
"Okay, look.
At the end of the day, I don't care."

1279
00:54:48,280 --> 00:54:51,520
"You go raving with your friends,
so what? I'm not bothered about that."

1280
00:54:51,600 --> 00:54:54,280
"What I'm bothered about
is this weird amnesia you get, like,

1281
00:54:54,360 --> 00:54:57,760
'Oh, know what? I didn't know
I was going out.'" [babbling mockingly]

1282
00:54:57,840 --> 00:55:00,880
"You're a big, grown man and
you don't know you're going out Saturday,

1283
00:55:00,960 --> 00:55:01,920
and it's Thursday?"

1284
00:55:02,000 --> 00:55:04,880
"Am I a dickhead? I'm not a dickhead.
You know what I'm saying?"

1285
00:55:04,960 --> 00:55:07,440
"What I'm saying is
if you go out, I don't even care."

1286
00:55:07,520 --> 00:55:08,680
"'Cause I don't know…"

1287
00:55:08,760 --> 00:55:11,960
"Do you know what? Whatever.
See what I'm saying?" [eating]

1288
00:55:12,040 --> 00:55:15,200
"Because we need to be
talking as a couple…"

1289
00:55:15,280 --> 00:55:16,440
[eating]

1290
00:55:16,520 --> 00:55:18,760
"…where we can just get on,
'cause we're not getting on,

1291
00:55:18,840 --> 00:55:22,120
and I don't want conflict
and be like, you know…" [eating]

1292
00:55:22,200 --> 00:55:25,000
"You know…
Have you got the Sweet 'N Sour sauce?"

1293
00:55:25,080 --> 00:55:26,680
-[audience laughter]
-"Okay."

1294
00:55:27,200 --> 00:55:29,840
Yeah, women will just gas you up
in two seconds.

1295
00:55:29,920 --> 00:55:32,680
"I'm not gonna lie, though, yeah?
I'm not gonna lie."

1296
00:55:32,760 --> 00:55:35,640
[eating]

1297
00:55:35,720 --> 00:55:37,760
"You did look very buff today,
not gonna lie."

1298
00:55:37,840 --> 00:55:38,960
[audience laughter]

1299
00:55:39,040 --> 00:55:41,240
"I don't like it when you go out
looking all buff,

1300
00:55:41,320 --> 00:55:42,960
'cause you know what you're doing."

1301
00:55:43,040 --> 00:55:46,000
"Am I lying? You know what you're doing.
What are you doing?"

1302
00:55:46,680 --> 00:55:49,320
"Love, me man, I'm not doing no, man.
Love, me man."

1303
00:55:49,400 --> 00:55:52,040
-[audience laughter]
-"This girl, man. So dumb, man."

1304
00:55:52,120 --> 00:55:54,680
"Okay, listen, give me a kiss.
I love you." [kisses]

1305
00:55:54,760 --> 00:55:57,400
"Okay. All right. Good night.
I love you. Okay. Good night."

1306
00:55:57,480 --> 00:55:59,640
Guys, you go to bed
with a different energy.

1307
00:55:59,720 --> 00:56:00,960
[audience laughter]

1308
00:56:01,480 --> 00:56:04,200
"Yeah, fucking told her there,
you know? Yeah."

1309
00:56:04,280 --> 00:56:06,040
-[audience laughter]
-"Yeah."

1310
00:56:06,120 --> 00:56:06,960
[chuckles]

1311
00:56:07,040 --> 00:56:08,000
[groans]

1312
00:56:08,080 --> 00:56:09,040
[inhales]

1313
00:56:09,120 --> 00:56:11,200
"Mm, mm."

1314
00:56:11,280 --> 00:56:13,760
[inhales] "Mm, okay. Mm."

1315
00:56:13,840 --> 00:56:16,120
[inhales deeply, exhales]

1316
00:56:16,200 --> 00:56:17,600
-[audience laughter]
-[smacks lips]

1317
00:56:17,680 --> 00:56:20,080
"Mm." [smacks lips]

1318
00:56:20,160 --> 00:56:21,720
[inhales] "Mm."

1319
00:56:23,000 --> 00:56:24,600
[audience laughter]

1320
00:56:24,680 --> 00:56:27,000
"Hey, babes. Babes."

1321
00:56:28,520 --> 00:56:30,240
"Are you sleeping, babes?"

1322
00:56:30,320 --> 00:56:31,720
[audience laughter]

1323
00:56:31,800 --> 00:56:33,240
[Mo laughing]

1324
00:56:33,760 --> 00:56:35,480
-[audience laughing]
-[Mo laughs]

1325
00:56:36,400 --> 00:56:37,720
"Mm."

1326
00:56:37,800 --> 00:56:39,880
-[audience laughter]
-"Mm."

1327
00:56:40,680 --> 00:56:45,480
-[audience laughter]
-"Mm. Mm."

1328
00:56:48,040 --> 00:56:49,960
"Yes, I'm sleeping."

1329
00:56:50,040 --> 00:56:51,920
-[audience laughter]
-[Mo laughs]

1330
00:56:52,600 --> 00:56:55,560
-[Mo laughing]
-[audience cheering and applauding]

1331
00:56:55,640 --> 00:56:56,560
[Mo laughs]

1332
00:56:57,640 --> 00:56:59,560
That drunk nugget sex where…

1333
00:56:59,640 --> 00:57:01,800
-"Unh, unh."
-[audience laughter]

1334
00:57:02,520 --> 00:57:03,800
I gotta big up the women.

1335
00:57:03,880 --> 00:57:07,520
You lot go out whenever you want.
You're not asking anyone. Yeah?

1336
00:57:07,600 --> 00:57:10,280
"Listen, babes, I'm going to Ibiza,
I'll see you next weekend." Boom.

1337
00:57:10,360 --> 00:57:12,640
-You're out. You're gone.
-[audience laughter]

1338
00:57:12,720 --> 00:57:15,840
You don't care, you're not asking
for permission. You're gone.

1339
00:57:15,920 --> 00:57:18,800
Even the way you're going out
and raving has completely changed.

1340
00:57:18,880 --> 00:57:20,680
You're not going out at night anymore.

1341
00:57:20,760 --> 00:57:22,960
Your new thing now is brunches.

1342
00:57:23,040 --> 00:57:25,080
-Oh my gosh.
-[audience cheering]

1343
00:57:25,160 --> 00:57:27,200
Women, you love a brunch!

1344
00:57:27,280 --> 00:57:30,520
Madam, you've been to a brunch, yeah?
You been to a brunch?

1345
00:57:30,600 --> 00:57:33,680
Look at them. "Been to a brunch?
Going to one tomorrow. Yeah."

1346
00:57:33,760 --> 00:57:36,000
-[audience laughter]
-You women love a brunch.

1347
00:57:36,080 --> 00:57:38,520
Guys, I don't know
if you understand what happens.

1348
00:57:38,600 --> 00:57:41,960
'Cause you know what it's like,
there'll be 15 girls going to this brunch.

1349
00:57:42,040 --> 00:57:44,120
Fifteen girls, yeah? They're all planning.

1350
00:57:44,200 --> 00:57:47,560
Even girls' groups, girls, you know
what it's like, 15 girls in the batch,

1351
00:57:47,640 --> 00:57:51,160
but really, you're only close friends
with, like, two or three of them.

1352
00:57:51,240 --> 00:57:53,400
The rest are just girls
from other friends,

1353
00:57:53,480 --> 00:57:56,520
but you need those numbers
so you can get a good table.

1354
00:57:56,600 --> 00:57:59,560
'Cause you've got beef with some
of the girls from four years ago,

1355
00:57:59,640 --> 00:58:02,840
and this girl doesn't even know
you paid for her cab four years ago.

1356
00:58:02,920 --> 00:58:04,800
Every time you see her, you're so passive.

1357
00:58:04,880 --> 00:58:08,080
"Hello, you all right, Sarah?
See you got here okay, did you?"

1358
00:58:08,160 --> 00:58:09,400
[audience laughter]

1359
00:58:09,480 --> 00:58:13,120
"Fucking bitch. I don't like her.
I don't even like her, you know."

1360
00:58:13,200 --> 00:58:15,560
"It's four pounds."
"The point is the principle."

1361
00:58:15,640 --> 00:58:17,680
[audience laughter]

1362
00:58:17,760 --> 00:58:20,400
Guys, you don't realize
when women go to the brunch,

1363
00:58:20,480 --> 00:58:22,280
it's all about pictures for the ladies.

1364
00:58:22,360 --> 00:58:25,600
Women, you go nuts with pictures.
You got your weird fucking poses.

1365
00:58:25,680 --> 00:58:28,600
What's this pose about, where you're
standing here, and this leg is up here?

1366
00:58:28,680 --> 00:58:30,200
-What's going on?
-[audience laughter]

1367
00:58:30,280 --> 00:58:33,400
Are you taking a free kick,
Cristiano Ronaldo? What's going on?

1368
00:58:33,480 --> 00:58:35,320
[audience laughter]

1369
00:58:35,400 --> 00:58:38,920
But girls go mad for their girls
in these pictures. They go absolutely mad.

1370
00:58:39,000 --> 00:58:42,840
"Babe, take a picture." They go nuts.
"Pow, pow, pow, pow, pow."

1371
00:58:42,920 --> 00:58:45,480
"Boom, boom, boom, boom, boom.
Pow, pow, pow."

1372
00:58:45,560 --> 00:58:46,880
[trilling tongue]

1373
00:58:46,960 --> 00:58:50,120
You know there's a feature,
if you hold down the iPhone camera,

1374
00:58:50,200 --> 00:58:52,560
it takes, like, 10,000 pictures in one go.

1375
00:58:52,640 --> 00:58:55,880
"Just move. Come into the light
and move, yeah?" You'll just see her go…

1376
00:58:57,000 --> 00:59:00,440
[audience laughter]

1377
00:59:01,480 --> 00:59:02,960
Just looking for the one picture

1378
00:59:03,040 --> 00:59:05,680
in the cab with your girl,
10,000 pictures.

1379
00:59:05,760 --> 00:59:08,360
You find the one, crop it,
put a filter on there,

1380
00:59:08,440 --> 00:59:11,080
vivid warm, it's on the 'Gram. Yeah?

1381
00:59:11,160 --> 00:59:13,200
And you meet all the other girls, yeah?

1382
00:59:13,280 --> 00:59:14,480
All the girls link up.

1383
00:59:14,560 --> 00:59:17,440
"Don't go in before me. Wait for me."
You all meet up.

1384
00:59:17,520 --> 00:59:20,640
"Hello, you all right, darling?
How you doing? Ah!"

1385
00:59:20,720 --> 00:59:24,120
"Hello, baby. I love you." [kisses]
"Hello, how you doing, you okay?"

1386
00:59:24,200 --> 00:59:25,640
"Sarah. Bitch."

1387
00:59:25,720 --> 00:59:27,920
[audience laughter]

1388
00:59:28,000 --> 00:59:30,480
"Hiya, hello, you all right?
How you doing? Hiya."

1389
00:59:30,560 --> 00:59:32,840
"Hiya! Hiya!"

1390
00:59:32,920 --> 00:59:35,120
-[audience laughter]
-Ladies love that "hiya" word.

1391
00:59:35,200 --> 00:59:37,960
Guys, we cannot use the "hiya" word.
It's not allowed for us.

1392
00:59:38,040 --> 00:59:40,520
We don't have the vocal tone
to use "hiya."

1393
00:59:40,600 --> 00:59:42,280
Could you imagine you and the lads?

1394
00:59:42,360 --> 00:59:46,160
[deep voice] "What's happening, Gary?
Hiya! Hiya! Hiya!"

1395
00:59:46,240 --> 00:59:48,200
[audience laughter]

1396
00:59:48,960 --> 00:59:52,720
All the girls are there,
15 girls are there on the table.

1397
00:59:52,800 --> 00:59:54,840
And as you get drunk, the pictures change.

1398
00:59:54,920 --> 00:59:58,440
"Come on, girls, let's do a Boomerang.
Let's do a Boomerang!"

1399
00:59:58,520 --> 01:00:00,280
Why is it when you do
an Instagram Boomerang,

1400
01:00:00,360 --> 01:00:02,560
you do what's gonna happen
in the Boomerang?

1401
01:00:02,640 --> 01:00:05,440
"Do something for the Boomerang.
Ready? One, two, three."

1402
01:00:05,520 --> 01:00:08,520
[audience laughter]

1403
01:00:08,600 --> 01:00:10,880
Some girls are not even
ready for the Boomerang.

1404
01:00:10,960 --> 01:00:13,160
They're just in the back
of your Boomerang.

1405
01:00:13,240 --> 01:00:15,760
[audience laughter]

1406
01:00:17,280 --> 01:00:18,120
[Mo chuckles]

1407
01:00:18,640 --> 01:00:20,280
"I look so ugly, don't put that up."

1408
01:00:20,360 --> 01:00:23,600
"I'm putting it up. It's up there
on the 'Gram. It's on the 'Gram."

1409
01:00:23,680 --> 01:00:24,840
[audience laughter]

1410
01:00:24,920 --> 01:00:27,760
Then you're loading up
to get to the turn-up, yeah?

1411
01:00:27,840 --> 01:00:30,560
Now, you're drunk.
And you know what happens, ladies?

1412
01:00:30,640 --> 01:00:34,200
When you get drunk,
you become so annoying.

1413
01:00:34,280 --> 01:00:35,240
Do you notice?

1414
01:00:35,320 --> 01:00:36,760
I don't think you notice.

1415
01:00:36,840 --> 01:00:39,680
You get so annoying, yeah?

1416
01:00:39,760 --> 01:00:43,320
And what do you want to do
when you get drunk and annoying

1417
01:00:43,400 --> 01:00:46,520
and you're reaching for the turn-up?
Do you want to keep turning up?

1418
01:00:46,600 --> 01:00:49,760
No. What you want to do,
you want to check in with us.

1419
01:00:49,840 --> 01:00:52,240
Yeah? In the afternoon, leave me alone.

1420
01:00:52,320 --> 01:00:55,360
-I'm playing Call of Duty. Leave me alone.
-[audience laughter]

1421
01:00:55,440 --> 01:00:58,280
I'm playing Call of Duty in the afternoon.
Leave me alone.

1422
01:00:58,360 --> 01:01:00,080
I'll be honest, I'll tell you for free,

1423
01:01:00,160 --> 01:01:03,520
when we're out with the guys,
we don't want to check in on you.

1424
01:01:03,600 --> 01:01:04,880
-[audience laughter]
-We don't.

1425
01:01:04,960 --> 01:01:07,480
You know what it's like, guys.
"Man, gonna call the missus."

1426
01:01:07,560 --> 01:01:08,680
"Bruv, don't do it."

1427
01:01:08,760 --> 01:01:10,040
[audience laughter]

1428
01:01:10,120 --> 01:01:12,480
"Why?" "She'll spoil the fun
and tell you to come home."

1429
01:01:12,560 --> 01:01:15,080
"Okay, I won't do it. I won't do it."

1430
01:01:15,160 --> 01:01:18,600
I'm playing Call of Duty with my friends
in the afternoon, online,

1431
01:01:18,680 --> 01:01:20,360
with people all around the world,

1432
01:01:20,440 --> 01:01:22,440
and you want to call me up
from the brunch,

1433
01:01:22,520 --> 01:01:25,200
drunk with your annoying self? Yeah?

1434
01:01:25,280 --> 01:01:26,880
"Hello?"

1435
01:01:26,960 --> 01:01:28,600
"Hello?"

1436
01:01:28,680 --> 01:01:32,040
"Hello, is that
the bitch pussy old boy, hello?"

1437
01:01:32,120 --> 01:01:34,760
-[audience laughter]
-[laughing]

1438
01:01:34,840 --> 01:01:36,240
"Hello?"

1439
01:01:36,320 --> 01:01:38,440
"Uh, babes, babes, um, I'm…

1440
01:01:38,520 --> 01:01:41,000
Babes, I'm playing Call of Duty
right now, babes."

1441
01:01:41,080 --> 01:01:42,640
"Uh, what's wrong?"

1442
01:01:42,720 --> 01:01:45,360
"Oh, you're playing Call of Duty. Okay."

1443
01:01:45,440 --> 01:01:48,800
[mockingly] "All right,
I'm a soldier man. Okay."

1444
01:01:48,880 --> 01:01:51,520
[mockingly] "A soldier man."

1445
01:01:51,600 --> 01:01:54,840
"So what are you doing?
What's going on in the Call of Duty game?"

1446
01:01:54,920 --> 01:01:57,440
"What's going on there?
What's happening in that thing?"

1447
01:01:57,520 --> 01:02:00,800
"I can't really talk right now
'cause we're about to go into the Gulag,

1448
01:02:00,880 --> 01:02:02,880
so can't really talk right now."

1449
01:02:02,960 --> 01:02:07,960
"I'm saying, yeah,
fuck the fucking Gulag, yeah?"

1450
01:02:08,040 --> 01:02:10,120
"Okay, listen to what I'm saying, yeah."

1451
01:02:10,200 --> 01:02:12,080
"I'm at the brunch, yeah."

1452
01:02:12,600 --> 01:02:13,920
[burps] "Okay."

1453
01:02:14,000 --> 01:02:16,200
-[laughing drunkenly]
-[audience laughter]

1454
01:02:16,280 --> 01:02:17,320
[laughs]

1455
01:02:17,400 --> 01:02:21,120
"No, prosecco gasses me up,
it gasses me up, you know that, Chanice."

1456
01:02:21,200 --> 01:02:22,560
[coughs]

1457
01:02:22,640 --> 01:02:24,120
"Listen, yeah."

1458
01:02:24,920 --> 01:02:26,280
"I'm here, yeah."

1459
01:02:26,360 --> 01:02:30,120
"And I'm not gonna lie,
I'm a bit drunk, yeah?"

1460
01:02:30,200 --> 01:02:32,040
"And you know what, yeah?"

1461
01:02:32,120 --> 01:02:34,800
-[laughing drunkenly]
-[audience laughter]

1462
01:02:34,880 --> 01:02:38,280
"Yas, yaas, yaaas!" [laughs]

1463
01:02:38,360 --> 01:02:41,080
"That's Dom Perrier. 
Dom Perrier." [laughs]

1464
01:02:41,160 --> 01:02:45,000
"Can I say something, yeah?
I'm a bit drunk, and you know what, yeah?"

1465
01:02:45,080 --> 01:02:47,400
"I'm feeling horny, you know that, right?"

1466
01:02:47,480 --> 01:02:49,240
-[laughs drunkenly]
-[audience laughter]

1467
01:02:49,320 --> 01:02:52,000
"So what are you saying,
Call of Duty Man? Huh?"

1468
01:02:52,080 --> 01:02:55,600
"What you saying? You're gonna
blow up my back, you're gonna do that?"

1469
01:02:55,680 --> 01:02:58,000
-[laughs drunkenly]
-[audience laughter]

1470
01:02:58,080 --> 01:02:59,600
"Are you gonna do that, yeah?"

1471
01:02:59,680 --> 01:03:01,120
"Can I call you back in a bit?"

1472
01:03:01,200 --> 01:03:03,960
"The game's gonna start.
I'm about to go into the Gulag."

1473
01:03:04,040 --> 01:03:05,960
"So you're playing Call of Duty, yeah?"

1474
01:03:06,040 --> 01:03:09,800
"Okay, pussy old boy, all right. Okay."

1475
01:03:09,880 --> 01:03:12,880
-"Pew, pew, pew. Pew, pew, pew."
-[audience laughter]

1476
01:03:12,960 --> 01:03:16,520
"Hold up, wait a minute,
it's a pussyhole. Get off the phone."

1477
01:03:16,600 --> 01:03:18,560
-[audience laughter]
-"Fucking idiot."

1478
01:03:18,640 --> 01:03:21,000
-[audience applauding]
-"Such an idiot."

1479
01:03:21,920 --> 01:03:23,600
Then you girls are drunk.

1480
01:03:23,680 --> 01:03:25,240
Oh my gosh, you're drunk.

1481
01:03:25,320 --> 01:03:29,000
And you're just about
to go into full turn-up mode.

1482
01:03:29,080 --> 01:03:32,800
And there's that one song
that just makes you lose your mind

1483
01:03:32,880 --> 01:03:35,120
-and your inhibitions, yeah?
-[hip hop plays]

1484
01:03:35,200 --> 01:03:39,640
-"Oh my days!"
-[audience laughter]

1485
01:03:39,720 --> 01:03:41,200
"Oh my gosh, this is my song."

1486
01:03:41,280 --> 01:03:43,680
"Let me take off my heels. Oh my God."

1487
01:03:43,760 --> 01:03:45,600
-"Oh my God!"
-[audience laughter]

1488
01:03:45,680 --> 01:03:48,400
"No, don't… Don't gas me up.
Don't gas me up."

1489
01:03:48,480 --> 01:03:49,480
"No, gas me up."

1490
01:03:49,560 --> 01:03:50,960
"No, I can't do it."

1491
01:03:51,040 --> 01:03:53,160
"Oh my gosh, no, I can't, I'm so drunk."

1492
01:03:53,240 --> 01:03:56,640
"Oh my gosh, don't record me.
No, record me secretly, yeah?"

1493
01:03:56,720 --> 01:03:59,760
-[audience laughter]
-"Oh my gosh, no, I can't do it."

1494
01:03:59,840 --> 01:04:02,480
"Oh my gosh, I'll do it, yeah? Oh my…"

1495
01:04:02,560 --> 01:04:04,760
-"Oh!" [laughs]
-[audience laughter]

1496
01:04:04,840 --> 01:04:06,760
-"Yeah!"
-[audience cheering]

1497
01:04:06,840 --> 01:04:09,240
"Yeah!"

1498
01:04:09,320 --> 01:04:11,480
All the girls are smacking her bum, like:

1499
01:04:11,560 --> 01:04:14,120
♪ "That's my bitch!" ♪

1500
01:04:14,200 --> 01:04:15,840
♪ "I said, that's my bitch!" ♪

1501
01:04:15,920 --> 01:04:17,400
"Stand on the table!"

1502
01:04:17,480 --> 01:04:19,640
-"Yeah!"
-[audience laughter]

1503
01:04:19,720 --> 01:04:21,800
Then the owner comes out. "No, no, no!"

1504
01:04:21,880 --> 01:04:25,160
"Get down from the table now!
Get down from the fucking table now

1505
01:04:25,240 --> 01:04:27,800
because we'll lose the license.
Get down from the table!"

1506
01:04:27,880 --> 01:04:31,000
"Get down from the table?
Do you know how much money I spent,

1507
01:04:31,080 --> 01:04:32,720
and you want me to get off the table?"

1508
01:04:32,800 --> 01:04:37,160
"Do you know what?
Suck your mum, you pussyhole!"

1509
01:04:37,240 --> 01:04:40,600
Listen, when I say, "Suck your,"
you say, "Mum!"

1510
01:04:40,680 --> 01:04:43,240
-♪ Suck your… ♪
-[audience] Mum!

1511
01:04:43,320 --> 01:04:45,560
♪ When I say, "Suck your"
You say, "Mum!" ♪

1512
01:04:45,640 --> 01:04:47,640
-♪ Suck your… ♪
-[audience] Mum!

1513
01:04:47,720 --> 01:04:50,040
London, thank you lot for coming tonight!

1514
01:04:50,120 --> 01:04:52,600
[audience cheering and applauding]

1515
01:04:53,560 --> 01:04:54,880
Thank you so much.

1516
01:04:54,960 --> 01:04:57,160
[audience cheering and applauding]

1517
01:04:57,800 --> 01:05:00,600
I appreciate you lot so much.
Thank you so much.

1518
01:05:01,120 --> 01:05:04,480
This is one of my favorite gigs
I've ever done, so thank you so much.

1519
01:05:04,560 --> 01:05:05,440
Thank you.

1520
01:05:05,520 --> 01:05:08,800
-[hip hop playing]
-[audience cheering and applauding]

1521
01:05:20,960 --> 01:05:22,240
[speaking indistinctly]

1522
01:05:22,320 --> 01:05:26,200
[laughter]

1523
01:05:26,280 --> 01:05:28,200
[speaking indistinctly]

1524
01:05:28,280 --> 01:05:31,000
[laughter]

1525
01:05:31,080 --> 01:05:31,920
Man.

1526
01:05:32,000 --> 01:05:33,920
[hip hop continues]