WEBVTT FILE 1 00:00:02.000 --> 00:00:07.000 Downloaded from YTS.MX 2 00:00:08.000 --> 00:00:13.000 Official YIFY movies site: YTS.MX 3 00:00:26.527 --> 00:00:29.530 Oh, I gotta stop. I gotta stop this story. 4 00:00:29.613 --> 00:00:32.282 I gotta stop the story. Stop story. 5 00:00:32.366 --> 00:00:35.577 Oh, come on. Load, why are you taking so long. 6 00:00:35.661 --> 00:00:37.496 Why are you so slow. 7 00:00:37.579 --> 00:00:40.123 Oh, I need to stop the story. 8 00:00:40.207 --> 00:00:42.000 No updates now! 9 00:00:43.377 --> 00:00:46.171 Oh, come on. I gotta stop it. 10 00:00:46.255 --> 00:00:48.382 He's coming. He's coming up the stairs. 11 00:00:48.465 --> 00:00:51.385 He's coming up the stairs, I have to stop it now! 12 00:00:51.468 --> 00:00:54.972 Come on, stop, stop, stop, stop. 13 00:00:55.055 --> 00:00:56.932 Go away! Call 911. 14 00:00:57.015 --> 00:01:00.686 Somebody call 911. Oh, geez! No! 15 00:01:02.396 --> 00:01:04.439 No, no, no! 16 00:02:33.153 --> 00:02:35.155 - Jasmin? - Yes? 17 00:02:35.238 --> 00:02:38.283 Alexandria. Do you have a quick second to talk? 18 00:02:38.367 --> 00:02:40.219 I don't feel like talking to the press right now. 19 00:02:40.243 --> 00:02:41.745 I'm not the press. 20 00:02:41.828 --> 00:02:43.389 I actually work with your father really closely 21 00:02:43.413 --> 00:02:44.581 at destiny publishing. 22 00:02:44.665 --> 00:02:46.083 - Okay. - Did he mention 23 00:02:46.166 --> 00:02:47.685 any short stories that we was working on? 24 00:02:47.709 --> 00:02:49.461 It could be his best work yet. 25 00:02:49.544 --> 00:02:51.171 I have to go right now, may I? 26 00:02:51.254 --> 00:02:53.090 This actually might be worth a lot of money, 27 00:02:53.173 --> 00:02:55.634 seems like you might need it. It could help you out a lot. 28 00:02:55.717 --> 00:02:57.219 - Excuse me? You got... - The expenses 29 00:02:57.302 --> 00:02:58.428 on the house, taxes... 30 00:02:58.512 --> 00:02:59.930 You've got some nerve. 31 00:03:00.013 --> 00:03:02.432 - May I? - It could help you out a lot. 32 00:03:02.516 --> 00:03:04.702 - How long are you in town for? - A couple of days, a week, 33 00:03:04.726 --> 00:03:06.520 - what does it matter? - Here's my card. 34 00:03:06.603 --> 00:03:09.773 If you happen to find anything, just give me a call. 35 00:03:09.856 --> 00:03:11.191 Whatever. 36 00:04:39.029 --> 00:04:40.214 Jasmin, where did you get this? 37 00:04:40.238 --> 00:04:41.406 In your room, daddy! 38 00:04:41.490 --> 00:04:42.741 Why did you bring it down here? 39 00:04:42.824 --> 00:04:44.493 To play with them. 40 00:04:44.576 --> 00:04:46.995 But it's not a toy, it's a very expensive collectible. 41 00:04:47.078 --> 00:04:48.538 It's worth a lot of money. 42 00:04:48.622 --> 00:04:50.624 Do not play with this again. Ever. 43 00:04:50.707 --> 00:04:53.084 Jasmin, I'm busy right now, I'm writing. 44 00:04:53.168 --> 00:04:54.836 I'm writing. Just put it over there, 45 00:04:54.920 --> 00:04:56.922 I'll look at it later, okay? 46 00:04:57.005 --> 00:04:58.590 Jasmin, what are you doing here? 47 00:04:58.673 --> 00:05:00.467 Papa', gpor qué no me quiere? 48 00:05:00.550 --> 00:05:02.052 Speak English, Jasmin! 49 00:05:02.135 --> 00:05:04.304 We don't speak Spanish anymore in this house. 50 00:05:04.387 --> 00:05:07.307 I lost my accent, you can lose your accent. 51 00:05:07.390 --> 00:05:08.725 Listen, practice this, 52 00:05:08.809 --> 00:05:12.312 "she sells seashells by the sea shore." 53 00:05:12.395 --> 00:05:13.480 Can you do that? 54 00:05:13.563 --> 00:05:15.398 She sells she... 55 00:05:15.482 --> 00:05:16.900 Ugh, whatever! 56 00:05:16.983 --> 00:05:19.110 You've been hanging around that maid too much. 57 00:05:19.194 --> 00:05:20.737 You're speaking too much Spanish. 58 00:05:20.821 --> 00:05:22.572 You need to go out with the anglo boys and 59 00:05:22.656 --> 00:05:24.991 - learn better English, now! - At least she cares! 60 00:05:35.335 --> 00:05:37.003 Pass... 61 00:05:37.587 --> 00:05:38.713 Word. 62 00:05:46.388 --> 00:05:49.057 Jasmin. 63 00:06:03.738 --> 00:06:05.866 Frankenstein. 64 00:06:12.372 --> 00:06:14.165 How pathetic. 65 00:06:20.839 --> 00:06:22.632 Oh, my dear Jasmin. 66 00:06:22.716 --> 00:06:26.469 As you are watching this, uh, I'm most likely dead. 67 00:06:26.553 --> 00:06:28.638 Or maybe you've broken into my computer. 68 00:06:30.140 --> 00:06:31.933 I'm gonna go with dead for now. 69 00:06:32.017 --> 00:06:34.978 Listen, I know you think I've always been hard on you, 70 00:06:35.061 --> 00:06:38.523 or ignored you, but at a certain point, 71 00:06:38.607 --> 00:06:40.233 you did the same to me. 72 00:06:40.317 --> 00:06:42.611 Have you ever read any of my books? Even one? 73 00:06:42.694 --> 00:06:44.696 Did you ever show any interest in my work? 74 00:06:44.779 --> 00:06:47.532 So, as I see it, we're even. It's tit for tat. 75 00:06:47.616 --> 00:06:50.285 Jasmin, I know in death, families always want to have 76 00:06:50.368 --> 00:06:53.163 a moment of resolution where they get together and say, 77 00:06:53.246 --> 00:06:54.998 "I wish we 'd said this to one another 78 00:06:55.081 --> 00:06:56.416 while we were still alive," 79 00:06:56.499 --> 00:06:58.501 and then we'd have closure. 80 00:06:58.585 --> 00:07:01.338 My point of view is, if we didn't say it back then, 81 00:07:01.421 --> 00:07:03.131 we ain't gonna say it now. 82 00:07:03.214 --> 00:07:06.760 Jasmin, whatever resolutions you wanted to have, 83 00:07:06.843 --> 00:07:08.720 or hoped to have with me, 84 00:07:08.803 --> 00:07:10.847 I guess they're not gonna happen. 85 00:07:10.931 --> 00:07:13.266 Now, Jasmin, I need to talk about the will. 86 00:07:13.350 --> 00:07:16.978 Um, it's gonna happen someday, you're gonna get everything. 87 00:07:17.062 --> 00:07:18.772 Everything in the house is yours, 88 00:07:18.855 --> 00:07:20.982 the books are the most valuable thing, 89 00:07:21.066 --> 00:07:24.110 and all the movie rights and the royalties that go with it, 90 00:07:24.194 --> 00:07:25.737 you get all that. 91 00:07:25.820 --> 00:07:28.740 Let me tell you about my most recent project. 92 00:07:28.823 --> 00:07:31.201 Aw, it's gonna be great! It's gonna be big! 93 00:07:31.284 --> 00:07:33.578 80 big, it's gonna be the biggest thing I've ever done. 94 00:07:33.662 --> 00:07:37.165 I bought a 17th century book on black magic. 95 00:07:37.248 --> 00:07:41.503 And in that book, they teach you how to cast magical spells 96 00:07:41.586 --> 00:07:43.171 by writing stories about them. 97 00:07:43.254 --> 00:07:45.507 And when you read these stories aloud, 98 00:07:45.590 --> 00:07:47.258 they come to life. 99 00:07:47.342 --> 00:07:49.219 So, this could be much bigger than anything 100 00:07:49.302 --> 00:07:51.972 than you'd see in 3D, men in tights 101 00:07:52.055 --> 00:07:53.682 hanging from some walls somewhere. 102 00:07:53.765 --> 00:07:55.475 No, this is gonna be so much bigger. 103 00:07:55.558 --> 00:07:58.478 Because when you read these stories out loud, 104 00:07:58.561 --> 00:08:00.230 they come to life. 105 00:08:00.313 --> 00:08:02.816 You can have a real vampire in your own kitchen. 106 00:08:02.899 --> 00:08:05.568 Now, if you do this, remember you don't... 107 00:08:06.403 --> 00:08:09.948 Oh my god, he's gone crazy. 108 00:08:19.332 --> 00:08:22.919 Hello, everyone. Welcome to the audio book of 109 00:08:23.003 --> 00:08:25.422 my famous short story collection, 110 00:08:25.505 --> 00:08:27.007 monsters in the closet. 111 00:08:27.090 --> 00:08:30.885 Based on a 17th century book of black magic. 112 00:08:30.969 --> 00:08:33.722 Our first story takes place on a misty night 113 00:08:33.805 --> 00:08:36.599 with the smell of mold everywhere. 114 00:09:34.532 --> 00:09:36.326 Forced it shut! 115 00:09:43.416 --> 00:09:45.085 Shit! Oh fuck! No! 116 00:09:45.168 --> 00:09:48.797 Ah, no! No! 117 00:09:48.880 --> 00:09:50.507 Oh fuck! 118 00:10:41.141 --> 00:10:42.225 Hello? 119 00:10:44.060 --> 00:10:46.146 Somebody there? 120 00:10:48.940 --> 00:10:51.568 Hey. Hey, man, you need help? 121 00:11:34.694 --> 00:11:35.904 Oh, shit! 122 00:11:37.155 --> 00:11:38.740 It's gotta be somewhere. 123 00:12:26.996 --> 00:12:29.082 Oh, my god. Twinkie. 124 00:12:34.587 --> 00:12:36.923 Oh, these are... 125 00:12:39.259 --> 00:12:42.345 Not how I remember them tasting. 126 00:12:54.941 --> 00:12:56.359 Apple. 127 00:13:09.622 --> 00:13:11.749 Ugh! 128 00:13:11.833 --> 00:13:14.043 Oh, god. 129 00:14:43.466 --> 00:14:46.260 Oh! 130 00:14:49.055 --> 00:14:52.141 Hey, wait for me! I'm coming with you. 131 00:14:52.809 --> 00:14:54.936 Maybe we can work as a team. 132 00:15:12.954 --> 00:15:14.247 Is that door locked too? 133 00:15:14.330 --> 00:15:16.332 Get the fuck away from me! 134 00:15:16.999 --> 00:15:19.085 - Fuck! - Maybe we can... 135 00:15:19.168 --> 00:15:20.336 Oh, shit! 136 00:15:20.420 --> 00:15:21.838 May... urr. 137 00:15:24.424 --> 00:15:26.592 - Fuck. - You piece of shit! 138 00:15:26.676 --> 00:15:29.011 Hey, what the fuck? I'm trying to help you! 139 00:15:29.095 --> 00:15:31.431 Ah! 140 00:15:39.230 --> 00:15:43.818 All right! Bring it on, you fucking scum! 141 00:15:45.236 --> 00:15:47.947 Oh, fuck! Oh god, that hurts! 142 00:15:48.030 --> 00:15:49.574 Oh, fuck! 143 00:15:52.243 --> 00:15:54.203 Get off! 144 00:16:28.821 --> 00:16:30.990 Dude. 145 00:16:31.073 --> 00:16:33.743 You okay? 146 00:16:33.826 --> 00:16:36.370 What is that wonderful smell? 147 00:16:36.454 --> 00:16:38.331 Is that... 148 00:16:38.414 --> 00:16:39.832 Is that coming from... 149 00:16:39.916 --> 00:16:40.958 Is that coming from you? 150 00:16:41.834 --> 00:16:45.296 Please, please be lasagne in your pockets. Please. 151 00:16:51.552 --> 00:16:53.930 Mm, mmm, mm. 152 00:16:54.013 --> 00:16:55.932 Why'd I do that? 153 00:16:56.015 --> 00:16:57.892 I just meant to smell it. 154 00:16:57.975 --> 00:17:00.978 Hey, stop. No. Don't. 155 00:17:01.062 --> 00:17:04.315 Spit it out, spit it, spit it. 156 00:17:04.398 --> 00:17:05.650 Good girl. 157 00:17:08.110 --> 00:17:09.946 Chris? 158 00:17:10.029 --> 00:17:11.322 Chris? 159 00:17:13.741 --> 00:17:16.452 Oh, Chris. Not you too. 160 00:17:16.536 --> 00:17:19.705 I'm sorry. 161 00:17:19.789 --> 00:17:22.458 Oh, oh yeah. No, uh... 162 00:17:22.542 --> 00:17:26.796 I'm not going to finish it. You can have the rest. 163 00:17:26.879 --> 00:17:30.091 So you will not believe what I just did. 164 00:17:30.174 --> 00:17:33.094 Oh wait, no. Yeah, maybe you would. 165 00:17:33.177 --> 00:17:35.805 Yeah. Right. 166 00:17:36.764 --> 00:17:38.766 Hey, do you mind if we stick together? 167 00:17:38.849 --> 00:17:40.977 This is kind of... 168 00:17:41.060 --> 00:17:43.062 I mean, are they going to eat us? 169 00:17:43.145 --> 00:17:45.606 Are we going to eat them? 170 00:17:45.690 --> 00:17:48.526 Is there a cure for this shit or is it like herpes? 171 00:17:50.486 --> 00:17:52.989 You know, I probably should have 172 00:17:53.072 --> 00:17:55.825 told you this before, but... 173 00:17:56.909 --> 00:18:00.121 I used to have the hugest crush on you. 174 00:18:02.582 --> 00:18:05.459 Yeah, not so much right now. 175 00:18:05.543 --> 00:18:09.130 So, how long have you been a zombie? 176 00:18:09.213 --> 00:18:11.299 Are there rules I should know? 177 00:18:12.258 --> 00:18:13.658 You know, you really haven't changed 178 00:18:13.718 --> 00:18:15.078 all that much, come to think of it. 179 00:18:15.136 --> 00:18:16.429 - Ugh! - What? 180 00:18:16.512 --> 00:18:18.014 [Gunshofl 181 00:18:23.769 --> 00:18:25.730 Oh, baby. 182 00:18:25.813 --> 00:18:27.648 It's okay, I'm not going to hurt you. 183 00:18:27.732 --> 00:18:29.317 I know, I would be scared too, 184 00:18:29.400 --> 00:18:31.402 but everything is gonna be all right, I pro... 185 00:18:32.778 --> 00:18:36.032 Fuck, oh fuck! 186 00:18:36.115 --> 00:18:38.034 Fuck, did I just do that? 187 00:18:38.117 --> 00:18:40.911 I didn't mean... Chris. Shit, I didn't mean to do that. 188 00:18:41.704 --> 00:18:46.042 No, no, no, I won't let you have her. 189 00:18:46.125 --> 00:18:48.044 Come on, come with me. 190 00:18:48.127 --> 00:18:49.879 Come on. Get away from them. 191 00:18:49.962 --> 00:18:51.547 Leave her alone. Get out, get away. 192 00:18:51.631 --> 00:18:53.257 I won't let you have her. 193 00:18:53.341 --> 00:18:56.218 We'll hide in here. I know just the place. 194 00:18:56.302 --> 00:18:58.554 Shh, be very quiet. 195 00:18:58.638 --> 00:19:00.640 Be very quiet, they won't find us. 196 00:19:03.768 --> 00:19:06.395 Stay right there, wait for me. I'm gonna lock the door. 197 00:19:10.524 --> 00:19:12.860 They won't find us in here. I promise you. Come on. 198 00:19:12.943 --> 00:19:14.904 Let's get away from the door. Come with me. 199 00:19:16.155 --> 00:19:18.824 You have to be very still, be very quiet. 200 00:19:18.908 --> 00:19:21.744 That's a good girl. 201 00:19:21.827 --> 00:19:23.996 Shh, shh, shh. 202 00:19:24.080 --> 00:19:25.164 Be a good girl. 203 00:19:25.247 --> 00:19:26.874 Be a good girl. 204 00:19:28.209 --> 00:19:30.544 Wait right here with me. 205 00:19:30.628 --> 00:19:32.546 We will... shit. 206 00:19:33.673 --> 00:19:34.924 It's all right. 207 00:19:35.007 --> 00:19:38.302 We'll wait them out. They'll go away. 208 00:19:38.386 --> 00:19:41.389 They'll go away. They can't get in. The door is locked. 209 00:19:41.472 --> 00:19:43.265 I promise you, they can't get in. 210 00:19:43.349 --> 00:19:44.558 It's going to be all right. 211 00:19:44.642 --> 00:19:46.268 Just stay with me. Stay very still. 212 00:19:46.352 --> 00:19:48.104 Be very quiet. Stay with me. 213 00:19:48.187 --> 00:19:50.272 I've got you. I've got you, it's okay. 214 00:19:50.356 --> 00:19:52.775 No, no! 215 00:19:52.858 --> 00:19:54.944 Please go away. It's okay. 216 00:19:55.027 --> 00:19:56.947 It's going to be okay. Don't worry, I've got you. 217 00:19:56.987 --> 00:20:00.449 I won't let them hurt you. I won't let you hurt her. 218 00:20:00.533 --> 00:20:03.244 It's gonna be all right. Stay right here with me. 219 00:20:03.869 --> 00:20:05.413 No, no, no. 220 00:20:05.496 --> 00:20:07.123 You can't have her. Please! 221 00:20:07.206 --> 00:20:09.542 For god's sake, leave her alone. 222 00:20:21.887 --> 00:20:23.681 Oh, no. 223 00:20:53.085 --> 00:20:55.004 Ugh! Damn it. 224 00:21:06.432 --> 00:21:07.933 Damn it. 225 00:21:08.559 --> 00:21:10.269 These hands. 226 00:21:11.312 --> 00:21:13.564 Oh, here. 227 00:21:14.440 --> 00:21:15.524 Here. 228 00:21:15.608 --> 00:21:17.860 Take it, take the gun. Take it. 229 00:21:17.943 --> 00:21:20.404 Take it! Kill me, kill me. 230 00:21:20.488 --> 00:21:22.698 Kill me. You fucker, kill me! 231 00:21:22.782 --> 00:21:26.744 Kill, kill, kill me! Kill me. 232 00:21:34.794 --> 00:21:36.420 I'm so sorry. 233 00:21:37.963 --> 00:21:39.215 Please don't hate me. 234 00:21:39.298 --> 00:21:42.885 No! 235 00:21:42.968 --> 00:21:44.637 Oh, that's pretty. 236 00:21:45.679 --> 00:21:51.060 See, there's always something to smile about. 237 00:21:51.143 --> 00:21:54.939 The sun is out, the air is... 238 00:21:55.022 --> 00:21:58.067 Well, it's pretty rank, actually. But... 239 00:21:58.776 --> 00:22:00.236 Over there, quick. 240 00:22:00.319 --> 00:22:03.072 Eat led, zombie bitch. 241 00:22:05.449 --> 00:22:07.243 Folks, wasn't that a great story? 242 00:22:07.326 --> 00:22:08.828 A little bit scary. 243 00:22:08.911 --> 00:22:10.371 Zombies, you gotta stay away from 'em 244 00:22:10.454 --> 00:22:12.373 because they're after your brains. 245 00:22:12.456 --> 00:22:14.124 But let me tell you how to make 246 00:22:14.208 --> 00:22:15.626 a great egg salad sandwich. 247 00:22:15.709 --> 00:22:17.586 First, you go to the grocery store 248 00:22:17.670 --> 00:22:19.439 and you go to where they have all these little 249 00:22:19.463 --> 00:22:20.923 plastic containers on the shelves 250 00:22:21.006 --> 00:22:22.716 and you find one that says egg salad. 251 00:22:22.800 --> 00:22:24.260 And then you buy a loaf of bread 252 00:22:24.343 --> 00:22:25.970 and then you buy a head of lettuce 253 00:22:26.053 --> 00:22:27.596 and you put them all together. 254 00:22:27.680 --> 00:22:29.723 And that's how you make egg salad sandwich. 255 00:22:29.807 --> 00:22:31.559 And don't try to give one to a zombie. 256 00:22:31.642 --> 00:22:33.727 A zombie wants a brain salad sandwich. 257 00:22:47.658 --> 00:22:48.909 Hello? 258 00:22:53.539 --> 00:22:54.915 Hello? 259 00:22:59.920 --> 00:23:02.590 Hello, is anyone downstairs? 260 00:23:10.389 --> 00:23:11.724 I said hello. 261 00:23:24.445 --> 00:23:25.613 Hello? 262 00:23:31.702 --> 00:23:32.786 Hello. 263 00:23:39.251 --> 00:23:41.253 I gotta stop smoking weed. 264 00:25:01.000 --> 00:25:03.544 For this next story, we see a young woman 265 00:25:03.627 --> 00:25:06.380 looking longingly at her empty backyard. 266 00:25:27.651 --> 00:25:29.528 Honey, isn't this is so exciting? 267 00:25:29.611 --> 00:25:31.530 Oh, it's beautiful! 268 00:25:31.613 --> 00:25:33.407 I can't believe we did it. 269 00:25:33.490 --> 00:25:35.552 I can't believe we actually finally bought our first house. 270 00:25:35.576 --> 00:25:38.037 After all that freaking paperwork. 271 00:25:38.120 --> 00:25:40.080 It was so ridiculous. 272 00:25:40.164 --> 00:25:42.458 Oh my god, I swear the minute I told them 273 00:25:42.541 --> 00:25:44.626 that I was South African, that was it. 274 00:25:44.710 --> 00:25:46.712 They were like, "well, now we need extra deposits 275 00:25:46.795 --> 00:25:50.299 and extra guarantors," and it was just like... 276 00:25:50.382 --> 00:25:52.301 Little bit of xenophobia. 277 00:25:52.384 --> 00:25:54.720 Yeah, like a little bit, honestly. 278 00:25:54.803 --> 00:25:56.221 But still, I'm so excited. 279 00:25:56.305 --> 00:25:57.931 This is so amazing. I love you so much! 280 00:25:58.015 --> 00:25:59.308 I love you too! 281 00:25:59.391 --> 00:26:01.060 Can you come? I can't really reach. 282 00:26:01.143 --> 00:26:03.103 Yeah! 283 00:26:19.244 --> 00:26:21.830 You just made a massive hole! 284 00:26:23.082 --> 00:26:25.000 That's from the door! 285 00:26:25.084 --> 00:26:29.004 I'm gonna need a whole can of spackle just for that hole! 286 00:26:29.088 --> 00:26:30.255 We can have a little cat! 287 00:27:05.624 --> 00:27:07.584 The water's totally brown! 288 00:27:07.668 --> 00:27:09.169 That is disgusting. 289 00:27:09.253 --> 00:27:12.965 There's probably at least 1,500 parasites in there. 290 00:27:13.048 --> 00:27:15.843 That is so nasty! 291 00:27:15.926 --> 00:27:19.054 We could be puking by morning. 292 00:27:26.812 --> 00:27:28.939 Babe, I really... 293 00:27:29.022 --> 00:27:30.732 Oh, god. Babe... oh, ow! 294 00:27:34.278 --> 00:27:36.280 This is great, right? 295 00:27:36.363 --> 00:27:38.157 I mean, the appraisal looks pretty good. 296 00:27:38.240 --> 00:27:42.244 Yeah, uh, it's yeah, I mean, it's just that 297 00:27:42.327 --> 00:27:47.583 I wasn't expecting so many wires and holes. 298 00:27:47.666 --> 00:27:49.918 A lot of holes. 299 00:27:51.295 --> 00:27:53.130 I mean, look, it's... 300 00:27:53.213 --> 00:27:55.799 It's gonna be hard work, okay? 301 00:27:55.883 --> 00:27:57.259 I'm not gonna lie to you, 302 00:27:57.342 --> 00:27:59.094 but it's not going to be a lot of work. 303 00:27:59.178 --> 00:28:03.056 Just some elbow grease, you know, painting some walls, 304 00:28:03.140 --> 00:28:06.351 spackle some holes, replace the carpet, 305 00:28:06.435 --> 00:28:07.519 fix the banister. 306 00:28:07.603 --> 00:28:09.605 We should put some tiles in, 307 00:28:09.688 --> 00:28:12.316 I think that would be... Or you know. 308 00:28:12.399 --> 00:28:13.817 Yeah. And you know, 309 00:28:13.901 --> 00:28:15.611 we probably just have to patch the roof. 310 00:28:15.694 --> 00:28:17.463 Not like, replace the whole thing. It's gonna be fine. 311 00:28:17.487 --> 00:28:19.364 Kinda looks like it needs to be replaced. 312 00:28:19.448 --> 00:28:20.657 But, um, you know what? 313 00:28:20.741 --> 00:28:22.576 You're... you're right. Honestly, 314 00:28:22.659 --> 00:28:24.286 you know what? We... we worked so hard. 315 00:28:24.369 --> 00:28:26.222 We bought this house, and that's all that matters. 316 00:28:26.246 --> 00:28:27.956 And as long as we have a shower 317 00:28:28.040 --> 00:28:30.459 and... and some running water, that's, 318 00:28:30.542 --> 00:28:33.003 you know... You checked the plumbing. 319 00:28:33.086 --> 00:28:35.756 I am going to check the plumbing too. 320 00:28:35.839 --> 00:28:37.424 That's... that's on the list. 321 00:28:37.507 --> 00:28:42.804 So we don't know if we have a shower right now. 322 00:28:42.888 --> 00:28:44.640 - We will. - We will? 323 00:28:44.723 --> 00:28:46.308 - We will! - We will know. 324 00:28:46.391 --> 00:28:50.646 You know how we'll know, because we hired a contractor. 325 00:28:50.729 --> 00:28:52.606 We did. We did that. And that's so great 326 00:28:52.689 --> 00:28:53.875 'cause you emailed the contractor 327 00:28:53.899 --> 00:28:55.609 like I asked you to, right? 328 00:28:55.692 --> 00:28:57.819 He's gonna fix all of this. 329 00:28:57.903 --> 00:28:59.821 This is... this is fine. 330 00:28:59.905 --> 00:29:01.156 What am I stressing about. 331 00:29:01.240 --> 00:29:03.367 We hired the contractor, right? 332 00:29:07.246 --> 00:29:08.580 The contractor? 333 00:29:08.664 --> 00:29:09.998 I sent you his email address 334 00:29:10.082 --> 00:29:12.668 and you said that you contacted him. 335 00:29:13.710 --> 00:29:16.213 And that he was gonna fix everything. 336 00:29:16.755 --> 00:29:22.010 Babe, I spent all of our money on buying the house, 337 00:29:22.094 --> 00:29:25.764 so there's no money left for a contractor. 338 00:29:25.847 --> 00:29:27.599 We don't have a contractor? 339 00:29:27.683 --> 00:29:31.478 Babe, it's fine. I took shop in high school. 340 00:29:31.561 --> 00:29:33.730 You did honey, and you got an a-plus. 341 00:29:34.856 --> 00:29:40.862 I got a letter with a plus sign after it every semester. 342 00:29:40.946 --> 00:29:43.573 So that's a good sign. 343 00:29:43.657 --> 00:29:47.035 Great. Yeah, that's... that's fine. 344 00:29:47.119 --> 00:29:48.912 You are right. You know what? 345 00:29:48.996 --> 00:29:50.664 Are you sure? 346 00:29:50.747 --> 00:29:53.333 Look, anything that we need to find out, 347 00:29:53.417 --> 00:29:55.294 we look up on the YouTube. 348 00:29:55.377 --> 00:29:59.047 And that way we don't have to pay some dumb plumber 349 00:29:59.131 --> 00:30:01.717 to come down and have us stare at his ass crack 350 00:30:01.800 --> 00:30:04.928 while he, like, hits on you and does shoddy plumbing. 351 00:30:05.012 --> 00:30:06.638 - Right. - We just do it ourselves and we 352 00:30:06.722 --> 00:30:09.224 don't have to pay anybody 'cause the Internet is free. 353 00:30:09.308 --> 00:30:12.769 - The Internet is free. Right. - You're so cute 354 00:30:12.853 --> 00:30:14.104 when you realize things. 355 00:30:14.187 --> 00:30:16.523 We're gonna make this house so cute. 356 00:30:16.606 --> 00:30:18.275 I love you, shmoopy. 357 00:30:18.358 --> 00:30:21.361 I love you more! No, that nose! 358 00:30:21.445 --> 00:30:23.488 - No, that nose. - You're gonna make it greasy. 359 00:30:24.114 --> 00:30:26.742 - Don't touch it. - Okay, time to work. 360 00:30:26.825 --> 00:30:28.243 Okay. 361 00:30:29.328 --> 00:30:30.746 You do that. 362 00:30:39.838 --> 00:30:41.506 Okay, so you're saying that... 363 00:30:41.590 --> 00:30:43.091 Right, that after I nail that one, 364 00:30:43.175 --> 00:30:45.218 after I've sanded and then... 365 00:30:45.302 --> 00:30:46.845 Yeah, I know. Okay. 366 00:30:46.928 --> 00:30:48.555 But what happens to the spackle? 367 00:30:49.890 --> 00:30:51.016 I gotta let you go. 368 00:30:51.099 --> 00:30:52.684 Shmoopy, what happened. 369 00:30:52.768 --> 00:30:54.895 You dropped it because you were too busy on the phone 370 00:30:54.978 --> 00:30:56.271 because you're not concentrating. 371 00:30:56.355 --> 00:30:58.065 You're right. 372 00:30:58.148 --> 00:30:59.524 I'm sorry. 373 00:30:59.608 --> 00:31:03.111 Let's just... keep going. Okay? 374 00:31:03.195 --> 00:31:05.572 - Come on, shmoopy. - All right, shmoopy. 375 00:31:05.655 --> 00:31:07.199 I love you, shmoopy. 376 00:31:07.282 --> 00:31:08.950 - I love you. - I love you more. 377 00:31:09.034 --> 00:31:10.535 No, really. I love you more. 378 00:31:10.619 --> 00:31:13.163 - No, I love you more. - No, really. 379 00:31:13.246 --> 00:31:14.414 It's... I love you. 380 00:31:23.632 --> 00:31:27.344 Okay, honey, do you have all the slats in place? 381 00:31:27.427 --> 00:31:29.388 - Yeah, the slats are in. - Perfect. 382 00:31:29.471 --> 00:31:31.973 - Nails are through the hinges. - Awesome. 383 00:31:32.057 --> 00:31:35.685 Yeah, I mean, I think this is pretty well hung. 384 00:31:35.769 --> 00:31:38.063 I just have a question. 385 00:31:38.146 --> 00:31:39.773 - Yeah? - Why is there so much space 386 00:31:39.856 --> 00:31:41.525 between the top and the sides 387 00:31:41.608 --> 00:31:44.736 that kind of defeats the entire purpose of having a door. 388 00:31:44.820 --> 00:31:47.447 Baby, trust me, I looked at the diagnostic 389 00:31:47.531 --> 00:31:49.408 blueprints for the door frame. Okay? 390 00:31:49.491 --> 00:31:51.034 - You did? - Yeah, 391 00:31:51.118 --> 00:31:53.662 there's supposed to be at least one inch of space. 392 00:31:53.745 --> 00:31:55.997 The diagnostic blueprints of the door 393 00:31:56.081 --> 00:31:57.666 told you to have space. 394 00:31:57.749 --> 00:32:03.422 Minimum one inch between door frame and door 395 00:32:03.505 --> 00:32:06.591 for ventilation in case of a fire. 396 00:32:06.675 --> 00:32:08.969 - That's what it said. - I'm going to... all right. 397 00:32:09.052 --> 00:32:10.595 I'm gonna trust you. 398 00:32:10.679 --> 00:32:12.848 This is definitely at least one inch. 399 00:32:12.931 --> 00:32:14.182 You're really smart. 400 00:32:14.266 --> 00:32:15.642 You are. You're... no! 401 00:32:15.725 --> 00:32:18.520 You're... you're a-door-able! 402 00:32:19.187 --> 00:32:21.857 That's too good. I can't top that. That's a... 403 00:32:21.940 --> 00:32:25.944 God, what the hell? 404 00:32:26.027 --> 00:32:27.571 Yeah, I told you that was wrong, 405 00:32:27.654 --> 00:32:29.573 but you just don't want to listen to me, so... 406 00:32:29.656 --> 00:32:31.450 Maybe if you just listened to me sometimes, 407 00:32:31.533 --> 00:32:32.951 you would get things right, but... 408 00:32:33.034 --> 00:32:34.870 When did you tell me that it was wrong? 409 00:32:34.953 --> 00:32:36.848 Yeah, I said, like, "you're doing the whole thing wrong." 410 00:32:36.872 --> 00:32:39.875 Like, three times, but you just ignored me. 411 00:32:40.417 --> 00:32:42.794 Do you have the blueprint there? 412 00:32:43.753 --> 00:32:45.338 You know, I guess I'll find it. 413 00:32:45.422 --> 00:32:46.882 Shmoop! 414 00:32:46.965 --> 00:32:50.385 What happened? I thought you were looking at the... 415 00:32:50.469 --> 00:32:53.096 - Shmoopy... - Okay, I was making it up. 416 00:32:53.180 --> 00:32:55.015 I'm sorry. I was confused. 417 00:32:55.098 --> 00:32:58.059 - You... no! - I was just playing. 418 00:32:58.143 --> 00:33:00.270 You're such a playful one. 419 00:33:00.353 --> 00:33:01.855 Stop it. 420 00:33:01.938 --> 00:33:03.190 No, you stop! 421 00:33:03.273 --> 00:33:04.900 No. Stop. 422 00:33:04.983 --> 00:33:06.818 -Seriously -no, stop. Stop hitting me. 423 00:33:06.902 --> 00:33:09.005 No, can you... I'm trying to... Can you stop? Stop hitting me. 424 00:33:09.029 --> 00:33:10.572 If you hit me, I'm gonna hit you back. 425 00:33:10.655 --> 00:33:13.325 - Stop hitting me. - As long as I get the last hit. 426 00:33:13.408 --> 00:33:14.635 You're being difficult, shmoop. 427 00:33:14.659 --> 00:33:15.899 Did you just call me difficult? 428 00:33:17.412 --> 00:33:19.056 If you call me difficult, I'll gorge your eyes out. 429 00:33:19.080 --> 00:33:22.292 I said, you're being divine, shmoopy. 430 00:33:22.375 --> 00:33:24.586 Stop being so silly. 431 00:33:32.177 --> 00:33:33.929 - Honey? - Yes? 432 00:33:34.012 --> 00:33:38.016 Why are you painting a 2 across our brand new wall? 433 00:33:38.099 --> 00:33:40.393 Well, because darling, that is 434 00:33:40.477 --> 00:33:42.604 the most efficient way to paint a wall. 435 00:33:42.687 --> 00:33:46.233 No, actually, according to howtopaintyourhouse. Com, 436 00:33:46.316 --> 00:33:50.529 it most certainly says that you start with a w. 437 00:33:50.612 --> 00:33:52.614 Well, shmoopy, when I was in shop 438 00:33:52.697 --> 00:33:55.784 in high school getting pluses on all my grades 439 00:33:55.867 --> 00:33:59.621 all six years, it was always with a z shape. 440 00:34:00.956 --> 00:34:03.875 Okay. Well, I really do think 441 00:34:10.215 --> 00:34:14.010 I think the 2 looks way better. 442 00:34:15.428 --> 00:34:16.930 Really? 443 00:34:17.013 --> 00:34:18.682 I think the w looks better. 444 00:34:18.765 --> 00:34:20.925 What are you gonna do... What do you gonna do about it? 445 00:34:20.976 --> 00:34:22.435 The man says 2! 446 00:34:25.397 --> 00:34:27.107 You don't even have as much paint on me 447 00:34:27.190 --> 00:34:29.317 as I have on you and you've done three passes. 448 00:34:29.401 --> 00:34:30.986 Yeah, well, I'm just being nice. 449 00:34:31.069 --> 00:34:32.779 I'm trying not to stuff up your... 450 00:34:32.862 --> 00:34:35.824 - Z shape! - I'm just a nice person. 451 00:34:35.907 --> 00:34:38.493 - And you... - You can't even get a w 452 00:34:38.577 --> 00:34:39.911 on your husband's chest. 453 00:34:43.290 --> 00:34:45.250 You're almost whiter than this wall! 454 00:34:45.333 --> 00:34:47.419 Your hair glove is falling off! 455 00:34:50.088 --> 00:34:52.716 Look, 2 shapes all day, 456 00:34:52.799 --> 00:34:56.011 z shapes all day, 2 shapes all day, 457 00:34:56.094 --> 00:34:57.596 the man says 2. 458 00:34:59.097 --> 00:35:01.141 And calls crocodile tears. 459 00:35:04.561 --> 00:35:06.229 Crocodile tears, shmoops. 460 00:35:57.697 --> 00:36:00.784 I am so sorry. 461 00:36:01.618 --> 00:36:04.204 That was totally a mistake. 462 00:36:05.789 --> 00:36:07.415 I don't even know if I believe that, 463 00:36:07.499 --> 00:36:09.376 - to be honest with you. - Shmoopy! 464 00:36:09.459 --> 00:36:11.628 You know I would never try to hurt you. 465 00:36:12.671 --> 00:36:15.340 Who's my favorite shmoopy! 466 00:36:15.423 --> 00:36:17.384 I love you, shmoopy. 467 00:36:17.467 --> 00:36:18.843 Yeah, yeah, whatever. 468 00:36:18.927 --> 00:36:20.613 I love you too, shmoopy. 469 00:36:20.637 --> 00:36:22.597 No, I love you more, shmoopy. 470 00:36:22.681 --> 00:36:24.367 No, I love you more, shmoopy. 471 00:36:24.391 --> 00:36:25.993 No, it's me, I love you more. 472 00:36:26.017 --> 00:36:27.370 - Does this face look amused? - What? 473 00:36:27.394 --> 00:36:29.020 Do I look amused? 474 00:36:29.104 --> 00:36:32.107 You look like you're just having so much fun like me. 475 00:36:32.190 --> 00:36:34.192 So, shmoopy, would you mind handing me 476 00:36:34.275 --> 00:36:38.446 that bucket, please, so I can keep working up here? 477 00:36:38.530 --> 00:36:40.740 - You want the bucket? - Who's my favorite shmoop? 478 00:36:40.824 --> 00:36:42.575 - You want the bucket? - Yeah. 479 00:36:42.659 --> 00:36:44.637 Could you hand me the bucket? Yeah, that'd be really nice. 480 00:36:44.661 --> 00:36:46.371 Shmoopy, I love you. 481 00:36:46.454 --> 00:36:47.956 - Love you! - You're my favorite. 482 00:36:48.039 --> 00:36:49.499 - You're my favorite! - Who's got the 483 00:36:49.582 --> 00:36:51.251 best nose in all the land? 484 00:36:51.334 --> 00:36:53.628 - Thank you, shmoopy. - Oh. 485 00:36:53.712 --> 00:36:55.004 Oops. 486 00:36:56.005 --> 00:36:57.465 That's okay. 487 00:36:57.549 --> 00:37:00.051 I love you, still, shmoopy. 488 00:37:00.135 --> 00:37:02.762 But, if next time you could just hand me the bucket 489 00:37:02.846 --> 00:37:05.056 when I ask you to actually hand me the bucket, 490 00:37:05.140 --> 00:37:07.475 I'd really appreciate it, then maybe it wouldn't 491 00:37:07.559 --> 00:37:11.062 come crashing down on your head while I'm working. 492 00:37:11.146 --> 00:37:13.356 I love you. Please keep up your good work. 493 00:37:13.440 --> 00:37:15.108 Thank you, shmoop. 494 00:38:09.788 --> 00:38:12.248 I love you, shmoopy. 495 00:38:12.957 --> 00:38:14.793 Fuck you. 496 00:38:17.253 --> 00:38:19.005 Love you. 497 00:38:19.088 --> 00:38:20.298 Ah! 498 00:38:22.634 --> 00:38:24.260 Time to nail. 499 00:38:30.266 --> 00:38:32.560 What? 500 00:38:36.481 --> 00:38:37.899 Oh! 501 00:38:42.487 --> 00:38:43.863 Does it hurt? 502 00:38:47.951 --> 00:38:52.413 It's okay, it's okay, it's okay, shmoopy. 503 00:38:52.497 --> 00:38:53.873 We're almost done. 504 00:38:55.166 --> 00:38:57.085 Just a little bit more paint and spackle. 505 00:38:57.168 --> 00:38:58.795 We're almost there. 506 00:39:00.547 --> 00:39:02.006 Okay. 507 00:40:04.444 --> 00:40:06.696 What are you... What are you doing? 508 00:40:07.906 --> 00:40:10.116 Cutting ceramic tile. 509 00:40:17.415 --> 00:40:19.584 You got... you gotta to stop. 510 00:40:19.667 --> 00:40:21.377 You gotta stop! 511 00:40:21.461 --> 00:40:22.837 Stop! 512 00:40:24.422 --> 00:40:25.840 Stop! 513 00:40:28.593 --> 00:40:29.719 Stop! 514 00:40:30.970 --> 00:40:33.348 That's really dangerous. 515 00:40:33.431 --> 00:40:35.016 Okay? The... 516 00:40:35.099 --> 00:40:39.187 The dust from the tile could go into your lungs and... 517 00:40:39.270 --> 00:40:43.274 And it's... it can kill you and there's no cure, 518 00:40:44.108 --> 00:40:46.861 there is no cure. 519 00:41:08.007 --> 00:41:12.178 I want a divorce. 520 00:41:21.145 --> 00:41:25.733 Oh, honey, I'm sorry. 521 00:41:30.989 --> 00:41:32.115 Sweetie. 522 00:41:33.116 --> 00:41:35.076 Shmoop. 523 00:41:35.159 --> 00:41:37.578 Oh! 524 00:41:37.662 --> 00:41:38.913 Oh! 525 00:41:38.997 --> 00:41:40.456 Oh, god. 526 00:41:40.540 --> 00:41:42.291 Oh you, bitch. 527 00:41:44.168 --> 00:41:45.962 Oh, you bitch! 528 00:41:46.045 --> 00:41:48.756 You know when I told you I loved your old sugar cookies? 529 00:41:50.216 --> 00:41:52.510 I lied. That shit tastes like camel spit. 530 00:41:56.973 --> 00:41:58.850 Oh, god! 531 00:42:14.699 --> 00:42:17.035 Oh fuck you, shmoopy. 532 00:42:17.618 --> 00:42:19.162 Fuck you too, shmoopy. 533 00:42:20.496 --> 00:42:22.749 Till death do us fucking part, bitch. 534 00:42:31.674 --> 00:42:34.719 _ 535 00:42:34.802 --> 00:42:36.971 Fuck you, shmoopy. 536 00:42:48.149 --> 00:42:50.068 Ugh! 537 00:43:08.544 --> 00:43:11.214 Oh god, why? 538 00:43:19.639 --> 00:43:23.810 I love you, shmoop. 539 00:43:23.893 --> 00:43:26.479 I love you. 540 00:45:04.994 --> 00:45:06.787 Wow. Wasn't that something 541 00:45:06.871 --> 00:45:08.581 with all that blood flying around? 542 00:45:08.664 --> 00:45:10.958 I'm not sure I'm gonna eat my cereal now, 543 00:45:11.042 --> 00:45:13.127 but that raises the question, 544 00:45:13.211 --> 00:45:14.378 is cereal soup? 545 00:45:14.462 --> 00:45:15.662 You know, when you were a kid, 546 00:45:15.713 --> 00:45:17.215 you made soup out of stones. 547 00:45:17.298 --> 00:45:19.467 Why can't you make soup out of cereal 548 00:45:19.550 --> 00:45:21.344 if you really want to? You know, 549 00:45:21.427 --> 00:45:22.887 there '3 a cereal that kind of has 550 00:45:22.970 --> 00:45:24.639 a rabbit whenever you see it on TV. 551 00:45:24.722 --> 00:45:26.807 You can make soup out of rabbit. 552 00:45:26.891 --> 00:45:28.809 So why can't you make soup out of cereal? 553 00:45:28.893 --> 00:45:32.271 You know, why don't we put some carrots and celery in it 554 00:45:32.355 --> 00:45:34.075 and have the cereal with carrots and celery? 555 00:45:34.148 --> 00:45:35.788 Then it really would be soup, wouldn't it? 556 00:45:37.735 --> 00:45:40.238 You know, chop in some celery, and some onions, 557 00:45:40.321 --> 00:45:43.282 and some carrots, and now you've got cereal soup. 558 00:45:43.366 --> 00:45:45.910 Stop. Get away from me. 559 00:45:52.541 --> 00:45:55.127 Well, I don't think you'd like the cereal 560 00:45:55.211 --> 00:45:57.171 with carrots and celery in it now. 561 00:45:57.255 --> 00:45:58.714 I don't think so. 562 00:45:58.798 --> 00:46:00.424 So, let's just come to a conclusion. 563 00:46:00.508 --> 00:46:02.510 - Cereal is not soup. - Get away from me. 564 00:46:02.593 --> 00:46:04.512 Get away from me! 565 00:46:33.624 --> 00:46:35.459 For our next story, we join 566 00:46:35.543 --> 00:46:38.045 a very rich businessman and his daughter 567 00:46:38.129 --> 00:46:41.382 as they share coffee in downtown Manhattan. 568 00:46:54.895 --> 00:46:57.064 This is so unfair. 569 00:46:58.065 --> 00:46:59.400 Tiffany, life is unfair. 570 00:46:59.483 --> 00:47:01.986 But you are being more than unfair. 571 00:47:02.069 --> 00:47:04.155 Look, fair is my middle name. 572 00:47:04.238 --> 00:47:05.906 Just ask my bridge partners 573 00:47:05.990 --> 00:47:08.075 or even the guys on the trading floor. 574 00:47:08.159 --> 00:47:11.412 You saw me talk to the chauffeur the other day, 575 00:47:11.495 --> 00:47:14.999 I told him he has every right to be as rich as I am. 576 00:47:15.082 --> 00:47:16.834 All he has to do is work for it. 577 00:47:18.294 --> 00:47:22.131 I started my business with a couple of million dollars. 578 00:47:22.214 --> 00:47:24.008 He could do the same. 579 00:47:24.091 --> 00:47:25.760 But obviously he's lazy. 580 00:47:26.510 --> 00:47:28.846 Otherwise, he wouldn't still be driving cars. 581 00:47:30.181 --> 00:47:33.642 He's not Mexican lazy, but... still. 582 00:47:35.353 --> 00:47:36.937 He gets what he deserves. 583 00:47:37.021 --> 00:47:39.106 I get what I deserve. 584 00:47:39.190 --> 00:47:40.608 And you get what you deserve. 585 00:47:40.691 --> 00:47:42.109 And I deserve this. 586 00:47:43.736 --> 00:47:46.489 It's just a camping trip with my friends. 587 00:47:48.532 --> 00:47:50.701 And why haven't I ever met these friends? 588 00:47:50.785 --> 00:47:52.370 I mean, what are they like? 589 00:47:52.453 --> 00:47:54.455 They're nice people, daddy. 590 00:47:54.538 --> 00:47:55.831 Nice. 591 00:47:56.582 --> 00:47:59.210 So you like one of them, 592 00:47:59.293 --> 00:48:01.003 some cute boy, perhaps? 593 00:48:01.087 --> 00:48:02.755 Maybe. 594 00:48:04.256 --> 00:48:05.758 What's his name? 595 00:48:05.841 --> 00:48:07.635 - Is it the wellingworth boy... - No, daddy, 596 00:48:07.718 --> 00:48:08.969 you don't know him. 597 00:48:09.053 --> 00:48:12.306 His name is... Vinnie. 598 00:48:15.393 --> 00:48:17.561 Vinnie. Oh, Jesus. 599 00:48:17.645 --> 00:48:19.397 Are you telling me he's Italian? 600 00:48:19.980 --> 00:48:21.941 He's really sweet. 601 00:48:22.024 --> 00:48:24.485 Sweet. What does his father do? 602 00:48:24.568 --> 00:48:27.279 Okay, I don't know. I think he's a plumber. 603 00:48:27.363 --> 00:48:29.365 Oh, my god. Oh... 604 00:48:29.448 --> 00:48:31.659 Are you trying to give me a heart attack? 605 00:48:31.742 --> 00:48:34.328 All right. You know what? This is just... 606 00:48:34.412 --> 00:48:37.998 It's just... All right. Yeah. Hang on. 607 00:48:38.082 --> 00:48:40.126 Here, wait a minute. 608 00:48:40.209 --> 00:48:41.669 I'll tell you what, 609 00:48:41.752 --> 00:48:43.592 why don't you go shopping this weekend instead? 610 00:48:44.422 --> 00:48:48.217 Wouldn't you prefer a nice bracelet or a pretty dress? 611 00:48:48.300 --> 00:48:51.637 No, I want to go camping. 612 00:48:51.720 --> 00:48:53.431 I worked hard to get into the school 613 00:48:53.514 --> 00:48:54.932 that you wanted me to go to. 614 00:48:55.015 --> 00:48:58.185 You chose Princeton, not me. 615 00:48:58.269 --> 00:49:00.688 Don't I deserve a little bit of a reward? 616 00:49:02.022 --> 00:49:04.692 It's just a trip with my friends. 617 00:49:07.695 --> 00:49:09.738 You don't get it, sweetie. 618 00:49:09.822 --> 00:49:11.031 They're not your friends. 619 00:49:11.115 --> 00:49:13.451 They hate you. They hate me. 620 00:49:15.119 --> 00:49:18.831 We are what they would call one percenters. 621 00:49:18.914 --> 00:49:23.335 Your friends are... not. 622 00:49:23.419 --> 00:49:25.254 They're the 99 belower. 623 00:49:25.337 --> 00:49:28.507 And Vinnie, he may even be a negative five. 624 00:49:29.717 --> 00:49:31.927 Look, your friends have been brainwashed 625 00:49:32.011 --> 00:49:34.430 into believing that you and I hate america, 626 00:49:35.431 --> 00:49:37.391 but in fact, it's them who hate america. 627 00:49:38.184 --> 00:49:39.602 And everything it stands for. 628 00:49:40.352 --> 00:49:44.064 Now, really, if you want to go ahead and feel common, 629 00:49:44.148 --> 00:49:46.400 why don't you buy yourself a little hermes bracelet 630 00:49:46.484 --> 00:49:48.402 or some little thing like that 631 00:49:48.486 --> 00:49:50.321 and forget about the camping nonsense? 632 00:49:50.404 --> 00:49:53.073 Okay, first of all, daddy, it's "air-mes." 633 00:49:53.157 --> 00:49:57.912 Second of all, in three months, I'm going to be in Princeton, 634 00:49:57.995 --> 00:50:00.122 making my own mistakes, getting drunk, 635 00:50:00.206 --> 00:50:04.251 failing midterms, eating pizza with the wrong fork. 636 00:50:04.335 --> 00:50:06.670 You're not going to be there to save me. 637 00:50:06.754 --> 00:50:09.632 I need to start learning from my own mistakes. 638 00:50:12.134 --> 00:50:14.094 It's just a weekend. 639 00:50:14.178 --> 00:50:16.555 Think of it as training wheels. 640 00:50:16.639 --> 00:50:20.351 Come... come on, daddy. I've earned this. 641 00:50:20.434 --> 00:50:22.686 Fine, fine. 642 00:50:22.770 --> 00:50:25.189 But you're taking your cell phone, 643 00:50:25.272 --> 00:50:26.899 you're turning it on, 644 00:50:26.982 --> 00:50:29.527 and most importantly... 645 00:50:29.610 --> 00:50:31.111 Call us if you need it. 646 00:50:31.195 --> 00:50:32.756 Thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you. 647 00:50:32.780 --> 00:50:35.241 You are the best daddy ever. 648 00:50:37.117 --> 00:50:39.245 Vinnie. 649 00:50:40.412 --> 00:50:42.331 This is not going to end well. 650 00:51:10.985 --> 00:51:14.196 Hey, Tiffany, look, I pissed on myself. 651 00:51:15.281 --> 00:51:17.324 You must be very proud of yourself. 652 00:51:17.408 --> 00:51:19.302 No, no, actually, I just... I didn't pee on myself, 653 00:51:19.326 --> 00:51:21.203 I just sprayed beer all over. 654 00:51:22.413 --> 00:51:25.332 Wait! Do you want to take a closer look? 655 00:51:29.211 --> 00:51:30.921 So what's up, what did you want to show me? 656 00:51:31.005 --> 00:51:33.716 I got this... This thing for Tiffany. 657 00:51:33.799 --> 00:51:35.509 Oh yeah, I saw you put it in your pocket. 658 00:51:35.593 --> 00:51:37.052 Yeah, I'm kind of nervous. 659 00:51:37.136 --> 00:51:38.738 - It's a big weekend for me. - Don't be nervous. 660 00:51:38.762 --> 00:51:40.389 - Let me see it. - All right. 661 00:51:40.472 --> 00:51:42.558 - Yeah, definitely. - How big is it? 662 00:51:42.641 --> 00:51:43.934 It's not that big. 663 00:51:44.018 --> 00:51:45.686 Oh, you're probably being modest. 664 00:51:45.769 --> 00:51:48.022 Come on. Just show me. Hold on. Oh, wait, here she comes. 665 00:51:48.105 --> 00:51:49.898 Can we go somewhere else? 666 00:51:49.982 --> 00:51:52.359 Listen, you having a good time? 667 00:51:55.279 --> 00:51:56.697 Can you just give me a moment? 668 00:51:56.780 --> 00:51:58.490 We can go somewhere and have a talk, 669 00:51:58.574 --> 00:52:00.614 I just want to finish the conversation with Maureen. 670 00:52:02.119 --> 00:52:04.663 Listen, just try to have fun. 671 00:52:05.664 --> 00:52:07.374 You're much prettier when you smile. 672 00:52:08.834 --> 00:52:10.502 We'll be right back. 673 00:52:49.667 --> 00:52:53.462 Yeah. So, I mean, I know this is crazy, but, um... 674 00:52:54.213 --> 00:52:55.297 I'm crazy about her. 675 00:52:55.381 --> 00:52:57.216 - Aw! - And I know that 676 00:52:57.299 --> 00:53:00.094 we've only been dating for, like, three months, but... 677 00:53:01.387 --> 00:53:02.930 Think I'm gonna ask her to marry me. 678 00:53:03.013 --> 00:53:04.348 What? That's amazing! 679 00:53:04.431 --> 00:53:06.058 Yeah, I'm going to do it this weekend. 680 00:53:15.401 --> 00:53:17.945 - Well, do you have it with you? - Yeah, I do. 681 00:53:18.028 --> 00:53:20.256 I mean, I've only been carrying it around with me all day. 682 00:53:20.280 --> 00:53:22.741 Let me see it, let me see it. How are you gonna do it? 683 00:53:22.825 --> 00:53:24.368 Are you gonna get down on one knee? 684 00:53:24.451 --> 00:53:26.179 Are you gonna just, like, spring it on her? Like... 685 00:53:26.203 --> 00:53:27.746 - I... I don't know. - That's... 686 00:53:34.086 --> 00:53:36.839 - That is so amazing. - Thanks. 687 00:53:41.885 --> 00:53:44.179 - Oh, she's gonna love that. - You think so? 688 00:53:44.263 --> 00:53:45.848 Is there something on it? 689 00:53:45.931 --> 00:53:48.267 Yeah, there's an inscription I had them put on it. 690 00:53:56.233 --> 00:53:58.152 That is so sweet. 691 00:53:58.235 --> 00:54:00.654 Oh, yes, she is going to love that. 692 00:54:00.738 --> 00:54:02.573 Perfect find. Absolutely. 693 00:54:02.656 --> 00:54:04.408 Thank you so much. I really appreciate that. 694 00:54:04.491 --> 00:54:05.784 I just had to tell somebody. 695 00:54:05.868 --> 00:54:07.619 My god, I'm so excited for you. 696 00:54:07.703 --> 00:54:09.580 Thank you. 697 00:54:13.709 --> 00:54:15.043 [Gunshofl 698 00:54:20.924 --> 00:54:23.260 Vinnie, Vinnie? Vinnie, are you okay? 699 00:54:23.343 --> 00:54:26.096 - Oh, my god, what happened? - It was an accident. 700 00:54:26.180 --> 00:54:29.683 Oh, Vinnie. Oh, my god, you shot him. You shot him! 701 00:54:29.767 --> 00:54:31.977 Wait, wait! Let's think about this first. 702 00:54:32.060 --> 00:54:33.520 Oh, my god! Vinnie, Vinnie? 703 00:54:33.604 --> 00:54:34.998 We're going to get into so much trouble! 704 00:54:35.022 --> 00:54:36.315 What are you talking about? 705 00:54:36.398 --> 00:54:37.792 You're gonna get in so much trouble. 706 00:54:37.816 --> 00:54:39.335 - Oh, my god. - Let's call my dad first. 707 00:54:39.359 --> 00:54:40.652 He has a big time attorney. 708 00:54:40.736 --> 00:54:41.945 We can get out of it. 709 00:54:42.029 --> 00:54:43.864 We? Are you crazy? 710 00:54:43.947 --> 00:54:46.700 - Oh, my god. - Wait! 711 00:54:46.784 --> 00:54:48.327 Vinnie? 712 00:54:48.410 --> 00:54:49.953 Vinnie? Oh! 713 00:54:51.246 --> 00:54:52.456 Oh, my god. 714 00:55:03.467 --> 00:55:05.385 You can forget about Princeton, 715 00:55:05.469 --> 00:55:08.722 maybe a community college, if you're lucky. 716 00:55:09.640 --> 00:55:13.143 Remember this phrase, "you want fries with that?" 717 00:55:13.644 --> 00:55:15.479 You're going to be saying that for the next 718 00:55:15.562 --> 00:55:16.897 50 years of your life. 719 00:55:20.317 --> 00:55:24.571 You gave up your life for a reefer baked goombah? 720 00:55:25.072 --> 00:55:29.034 Who would bang your best friend if you turn your back on him? 721 00:55:32.913 --> 00:55:34.331 Boy, I'll say you made a mistake 722 00:55:34.414 --> 00:55:36.416 when I wasn't there watching you. 723 00:55:36.500 --> 00:55:37.835 I can't fix this. 724 00:55:37.918 --> 00:55:40.712 Now you go and you fix it. 725 00:55:57.604 --> 00:55:58.939 [Gunshofl 726 00:56:21.044 --> 00:56:22.629 [Gunshofl 727 00:56:28.218 --> 00:56:30.345 - Run! - What? 728 00:56:38.896 --> 00:56:40.564 Wait... 729 00:56:40.647 --> 00:56:42.858 Tiffany, did you just shoot Vinnie? 730 00:56:44.735 --> 00:56:46.153 [Gunshofl 731 00:57:05.714 --> 00:57:07.633 [Gunshofl 732 00:57:21.897 --> 00:57:23.690 Nobody else has to die, Maureen. 733 00:57:25.025 --> 00:57:26.985 We can tell the police that Hank and Vinnie 734 00:57:27.069 --> 00:57:28.403 were in some weird love duet 735 00:57:28.487 --> 00:57:29.767 and that they killed each other. 736 00:57:30.280 --> 00:57:32.866 What? What are you talking about? 737 00:57:34.076 --> 00:57:36.078 Hank wasn't going anywhere. 738 00:57:36.161 --> 00:57:37.913 A misogynistic date rape drunk 739 00:57:37.996 --> 00:57:39.748 who barely got out of high school. 740 00:57:39.831 --> 00:57:42.876 Nobody is going to miss an idiot who works at Wal-Mart. 741 00:57:42.960 --> 00:57:44.336 You're crazy. 742 00:57:44.419 --> 00:57:46.296 I heard you got into penn state. 743 00:57:47.547 --> 00:57:49.675 Hey, it's not Princeton, but you're smart. 744 00:57:51.510 --> 00:57:52.970 Not as smart as me, but... 745 00:57:53.053 --> 00:57:55.639 Get with the program, you know what's going on. 746 00:57:58.392 --> 00:58:00.185 Maureen... 747 00:58:00.268 --> 00:58:02.479 My daddy's lawyer can work miracles. 748 00:58:02.562 --> 00:58:04.898 Please don't make the same mistake your friends made. 749 00:58:04.982 --> 00:58:08.193 - What are you talking about? - Stay in your Lane. 750 00:58:23.333 --> 00:58:25.585 Oh, shit! Are you okay? 751 00:58:25.669 --> 00:58:27.254 [Gunshofl 752 00:58:33.885 --> 00:58:35.262 Help! 753 00:58:36.179 --> 00:58:37.472 Help! 754 00:58:40.475 --> 00:58:42.436 Oh, god! Oh, god! 755 00:58:51.695 --> 00:58:53.363 I'm sorry. 756 01:00:16.738 --> 01:00:19.032 Dad! 757 01:00:19.116 --> 01:00:20.617 You were right, my... 758 01:00:20.700 --> 01:00:22.869 My friends, they tried to kidnap me for ransom 759 01:00:22.953 --> 01:00:26.998 and they just went crazy and started shooting each other. 760 01:00:29.292 --> 01:00:31.086 I'm going to need a lawyer. 761 01:00:33.088 --> 01:00:35.674 Please help me, I don't know what to do. 762 01:00:35.757 --> 01:00:37.843 Please, please, please. 763 01:00:39.052 --> 01:00:41.972 Please, help me! 764 01:01:08.999 --> 01:01:10.542 Hey tiff! Tiff, guess... 765 01:01:10.625 --> 01:01:13.003 Guess what I just go on my gender studies exam. 766 01:01:13.086 --> 01:01:14.421 You're not gonna believe this. 767 01:01:16.882 --> 01:01:20.343 - A double d, get it? - I just pissed myself. 768 01:01:20.427 --> 01:01:23.430 I'm kidding, it's just beer. 769 01:01:25.015 --> 01:01:27.184 - What? - Ugh, whatever. 770 01:01:32.731 --> 01:01:34.482 Can I call you back? 771 01:01:37.360 --> 01:01:39.946 Can we go somewhere else? 772 01:01:40.030 --> 01:01:41.448 You're not having fun? 773 01:01:42.532 --> 01:01:44.159 No, Trevor. 774 01:01:44.743 --> 01:01:45.952 Okay, in a minute. 775 01:01:46.036 --> 01:01:47.346 I'll go upstairs to talk to Brenda, 776 01:01:47.370 --> 01:01:48.788 and I'll be right back down. 777 01:01:51.166 --> 01:01:53.793 All right. Come on. Try to have some fun. 778 01:01:53.877 --> 01:01:55.337 You're much prettier when you smile. 779 01:02:45.553 --> 01:02:49.140 Ooh, there was some hunting in that... oh, in that story. 780 01:02:49.224 --> 01:02:51.184 Rifle work, shotgun work. 781 01:02:51.268 --> 01:02:52.769 Oh, my word. 782 01:02:52.852 --> 01:02:54.688 You know, rich people like to go hunting. 783 01:02:54.771 --> 01:02:57.190 They like to go after animals like elephants 784 01:02:57.274 --> 01:02:59.526 and bison and stuff like that. 785 01:02:59.609 --> 01:03:01.212 If animals could talk, what would they say 786 01:03:01.236 --> 01:03:02.570 about being shot at? 787 01:03:02.654 --> 01:03:04.155 And who would be the rudest one? 788 01:03:04.239 --> 01:03:06.366 Which animal would not take so well 789 01:03:06.449 --> 01:03:09.160 to being shot at by voicing their opinion? 790 01:03:09.244 --> 01:03:10.870 Which one do you think? 791 01:03:21.965 --> 01:03:23.550 What the hell? 792 01:03:49.409 --> 01:03:51.077 You know what I think? 793 01:03:51.161 --> 01:03:52.996 I think the rudest animal would be a sloth. 794 01:03:53.079 --> 01:03:55.081 All they want to do is hang around 795 01:03:55.165 --> 01:03:57.365 and if you try to get them to do something, they'll say, 796 01:03:58.168 --> 01:04:01.421 "yeah, get the fuck away from me, pal." 797 01:04:01.504 --> 01:04:05.342 That's rude. Mm. Or maybe a turtle, the same way. 798 01:04:05.425 --> 01:04:07.969 The turtle, though, he can beat the rabbit. 799 01:04:45.006 --> 01:04:46.925 Our newest story is about the times 800 01:04:47.008 --> 01:04:50.178 when you think you're there, but you're not there. 801 01:04:50.261 --> 01:04:53.264 It's almost as if you're invisible. 802 01:05:18.248 --> 01:05:21.000 Alexandra, tell me something I want to hear. 803 01:05:21.084 --> 01:05:22.335 The Raymond Grant book, 804 01:05:22.419 --> 01:05:24.129 did you get his daughter to sign on? 805 01:05:24.212 --> 01:05:26.631 Yes. Well, sir, we actually had a really good meeting. 806 01:05:26.714 --> 01:05:28.216 I think we're going to get the deal. 807 01:05:28.299 --> 01:05:29.676 All right. Very good. 808 01:05:29.759 --> 01:05:31.553 Give me her number so I can give her a ring. 809 01:05:31.636 --> 01:05:33.596 I actually didn't get her number. 810 01:05:34.931 --> 01:05:37.684 Alex, you spoke to Jasmin Grant today, 811 01:05:37.767 --> 01:05:40.270 and you didn't get her number? Why? 812 01:05:40.353 --> 01:05:42.021 I didn't want to push it. 813 01:05:42.105 --> 01:05:44.333 She's going through a lot. I'll just give her some space. 814 01:05:44.357 --> 01:05:45.817 She has my card. 815 01:05:45.900 --> 01:05:47.861 Push it. We're all going through a lot. 816 01:05:47.944 --> 01:05:50.071 Do you have any idea how many publishers 817 01:05:50.155 --> 01:05:52.532 are knocking on that decrepit door to get to that book? 818 01:05:52.615 --> 01:05:55.201 This is a big deal. This book is gonna be huge. 819 01:05:55.910 --> 01:05:57.370 What's it about anyway? 820 01:05:57.454 --> 01:05:59.205 She doesn't even know. 821 01:06:00.081 --> 01:06:01.666 Raymond had deadlines, 822 01:06:01.749 --> 01:06:03.877 and he was constantly missing all the deadlines. 823 01:06:03.960 --> 01:06:06.963 For all we know, it could be a collection of just post-its. 824 01:06:08.047 --> 01:06:09.424 Right. Post-its. 825 01:06:10.633 --> 01:06:14.053 Yeah, right. We were probably gonna drop him anyway. 826 01:06:14.137 --> 01:06:16.848 Last couple of films flopped at the box office. 827 01:06:16.931 --> 01:06:18.558 Book sales tanked. 828 01:06:18.641 --> 01:06:20.810 He kept saying, "I just need one, one more hit and... 829 01:06:20.894 --> 01:06:22.145 I'm back on top." 830 01:06:23.605 --> 01:06:26.399 Exactly, we all thought he just had a writer's block. 831 01:06:26.483 --> 01:06:28.943 You know, his best stuff was his early work. 832 01:06:29.027 --> 01:06:30.987 Towards the end... 833 01:06:31.070 --> 01:06:33.281 Just like bands, win three albums, 834 01:06:33.364 --> 01:06:35.158 after that they all suck. 835 01:06:35.241 --> 01:06:36.910 Same thing. 836 01:06:36.993 --> 01:06:38.304 You know what happens to those bands 837 01:06:38.328 --> 01:06:39.412 when their front man dies? 838 01:06:40.497 --> 01:06:42.457 Everybody and their mother is clawing to get 839 01:06:42.540 --> 01:06:44.351 the last album because it might be worth something, 840 01:06:44.375 --> 01:06:46.335 even though they haven't had a hit in two decades. 841 01:06:48.963 --> 01:06:50.256 No, yeah, you're right. 842 01:06:51.841 --> 01:06:53.081 You're right, I'll get onto it. 843 01:06:54.511 --> 01:06:56.804 Perfect. That's what I want to hear. 844 01:06:57.514 --> 01:07:00.225 And if I didn't tell you that your job depended on this one, 845 01:07:00.308 --> 01:07:01.976 well, I'd be lying. 846 01:07:02.060 --> 01:07:04.562 - So let me know. - Okay. 847 01:07:19.410 --> 01:07:22.121 Well, those are the perils of being invisible. 848 01:07:22.205 --> 01:07:24.207 That's why they wear those yellow vests 849 01:07:24.290 --> 01:07:26.084 out on the highway, right? 850 01:07:26.167 --> 01:07:28.187 Invisible man would never work on the highway. Oh my. 851 01:07:28.211 --> 01:07:31.923 Anyway, the question we need to address right now is 852 01:07:32.006 --> 01:07:33.967 how many chickens would it take 853 01:07:34.050 --> 01:07:35.343 to kill an elephant? 854 01:07:43.434 --> 01:07:44.561 Hello? 855 01:07:47.438 --> 01:07:49.440 Hello? 856 01:07:59.075 --> 01:08:00.285 Hello? 857 01:08:04.247 --> 01:08:06.040 Jasmin? 858 01:08:11.337 --> 01:08:12.964 Hello? 859 01:08:14.757 --> 01:08:16.217 Hello? 860 01:08:17.927 --> 01:08:19.554 Anyone home? 861 01:08:22.390 --> 01:08:27.437 ! Oye! Gqué te pasa? Gqué tu haces en mi casa? 862 01:08:29.063 --> 01:08:31.691 Lesperate! No soy. 863 01:08:47.457 --> 01:08:51.169 Um, would it take 500 elephant-sized chickens 864 01:08:51.252 --> 01:08:53.630 to kill an elephant-sized chicken? 865 01:09:03.848 --> 01:09:05.767 I'm gonna... I'm gonna go with, 866 01:09:05.850 --> 01:09:08.519 it's gonna take one elephant-sized chicken 867 01:09:08.603 --> 01:09:09.937 to kill an elephant. 868 01:09:10.021 --> 01:09:11.564 And that would be one big chicken. 869 01:09:11.648 --> 01:09:15.401 When he pecks, earthquake time. 870 01:09:15.485 --> 01:09:18.571 Our next story is about a conference of scientists. 871 01:09:18.655 --> 01:09:20.865 It's a typical scientific meeting 872 01:09:20.948 --> 01:09:24.619 where some scientists are more welcome than others. 873 01:09:59.821 --> 01:10:03.116 Why the hell do we have to live in a castle? 874 01:10:03.199 --> 01:10:04.492 It's just one of the many perks 875 01:10:04.575 --> 01:10:06.327 of being a mad scientist, my darling. 876 01:10:06.411 --> 01:10:07.912 But you're not mad. 877 01:10:07.995 --> 01:10:10.248 - No. - You're not even annoyed. 878 01:10:10.331 --> 01:10:12.250 You're... 879 01:10:12.333 --> 01:10:13.376 Perky. 880 01:10:13.459 --> 01:10:15.753 Why the hell are you so perky? 881 01:10:17.171 --> 01:10:19.257 It's your birthday. 882 01:10:19.340 --> 01:10:22.009 That's says 50. Do I look 50? 883 01:10:22.093 --> 01:10:23.469 Uh, no, no, no. 884 01:10:23.553 --> 01:10:25.430 And you do not look 50 the other eight times 885 01:10:25.513 --> 01:10:27.306 we celebrated your 50th birthday either. 886 01:10:27.390 --> 01:10:30.351 Seven. I am 57. 887 01:10:30.435 --> 01:10:32.979 Do I look 58? 888 01:10:33.479 --> 01:10:35.982 Why can't you invent something useful, 889 01:10:36.065 --> 01:10:37.442 like an anti-aging formula 890 01:10:37.525 --> 01:10:39.610 and not roller skates for squirrels? 891 01:10:40.528 --> 01:10:43.322 Well, I will admit to a bit of a dry period lately, 892 01:10:43.406 --> 01:10:46.117 but honestly, this cake is del... oh! 893 01:11:00.256 --> 01:11:01.340 Don't worry, baby. 894 01:11:01.424 --> 01:11:03.509 It's just a little bit stuck. 895 01:11:03.593 --> 01:11:05.678 You'll be fine. 896 01:11:05.762 --> 01:11:07.263 Just stay still. Don't move. 897 01:11:07.346 --> 01:11:09.974 You're not moving. You're good at not moving. 898 01:11:10.057 --> 01:11:11.225 Oh! 899 01:11:11.309 --> 01:11:15.646 Honey, honey, honey! Honey, you okay? 900 01:11:51.724 --> 01:11:53.684 She's alive! 901 01:11:53.768 --> 01:11:55.019 She's alive! 902 01:11:57.313 --> 01:11:58.648 Crapola! 903 01:12:19.919 --> 01:12:21.587 She's alive! 904 01:12:21.671 --> 01:12:23.214 She's alive! 905 01:12:23.297 --> 01:12:24.757 Motherfucker! 906 01:12:39.313 --> 01:12:41.440 Mr. Frankenstein. 907 01:12:41.524 --> 01:12:43.651 Dr. Frankenstein, actually. 908 01:12:43.734 --> 01:12:45.486 Whatever. What is it this time? 909 01:12:45.570 --> 01:12:48.406 I was wondering if I could borrow a little power, 910 01:12:48.489 --> 01:12:49.782 just as scooch. 911 01:12:49.866 --> 01:12:51.284 Power. 912 01:12:51.367 --> 01:12:52.803 That's all you mad scientists think about, 913 01:12:52.827 --> 01:12:55.454 power to rule the world. 914 01:12:55.538 --> 01:12:57.224 Well, I don't think you even have enough power 915 01:12:57.248 --> 01:12:58.666 to mow your lawn. 916 01:12:58.749 --> 01:13:00.585 Ah, yes, the death weeds. 917 01:13:00.668 --> 01:13:02.712 Well, I promise to get to them next Tuesday. 918 01:13:02.795 --> 01:13:06.132 There was an experiment that went wrong. 919 01:13:06.215 --> 01:13:08.718 - Sorry about the dog. - What? 920 01:13:08.801 --> 01:13:10.636 Huh? What? 921 01:13:10.720 --> 01:13:13.764 Look, last week it was a cup of sugar, 922 01:13:13.848 --> 01:13:16.183 the week before that it was tea bags. 923 01:13:16.267 --> 01:13:18.185 Now this. 924 01:13:18.269 --> 01:13:20.605 What do you need my electricity for? 925 01:13:22.064 --> 01:13:24.317 Just to reanimate the dead. 926 01:13:24.400 --> 01:13:25.443 It's no biggie. 927 01:13:25.526 --> 01:13:26.903 Very low power consumption. 928 01:13:28.321 --> 01:13:30.364 - Huh. - Yeah, it's... 929 01:13:30.448 --> 01:13:32.283 Funny, actually. Funny story. 930 01:13:32.366 --> 01:13:34.493 I accidentally killed my wife, and you know, 931 01:13:34.577 --> 01:13:37.496 I would like to see her back so, if I could just... 932 01:13:37.580 --> 01:13:39.749 Yeah, whatever. 933 01:13:39.832 --> 01:13:41.167 Thank you. 934 01:13:41.250 --> 01:13:43.044 What a bitch. 935 01:14:05.274 --> 01:14:06.776 She's alive. 936 01:14:06.859 --> 01:14:08.361 She's alive! 937 01:14:50.069 --> 01:14:52.697 What the fuck are you doing? 938 01:14:52.780 --> 01:14:55.741 Just checking to see if you're alive again. 939 01:14:55.825 --> 01:14:57.535 Again? 940 01:14:57.618 --> 01:15:00.246 Did you fucking kill me? 941 01:15:00.329 --> 01:15:02.415 Just temporarily. You're a lot better now. 942 01:15:02.498 --> 01:15:04.125 Look, you're siting up and everything. 943 01:15:04.792 --> 01:15:06.669 You stabbed me? 944 01:15:06.752 --> 01:15:10.214 Oh, my god, you better not have left a scar. 945 01:15:10.297 --> 01:15:14.010 No, you look as lovely as ever. 946 01:15:14.093 --> 01:15:15.553 Where's the mirror? 947 01:15:16.679 --> 01:15:19.265 Where's that damn mirror? 948 01:15:19.348 --> 01:15:20.951 Well, there's one by the kitchen, there's another one 949 01:15:20.975 --> 01:15:22.518 in the bathroom... Let's go this way. 950 01:15:22.601 --> 01:15:24.020 This is a nice big one. 951 01:15:24.103 --> 01:15:27.648 Victor, you motherfucker. I'm hideous! 952 01:15:28.566 --> 01:15:30.067 Only on the outside. 953 01:15:30.151 --> 01:15:32.319 I mean, beauty's only skin deep. 954 01:15:32.903 --> 01:15:33.988 Oh, god. 955 01:15:34.071 --> 01:15:35.865 Oh, god. What has he done? 956 01:15:38.200 --> 01:15:41.746 Honey, what are you doing? 957 01:15:44.874 --> 01:15:47.168 You know, it's not so bad... 958 01:15:47.251 --> 01:15:49.045 With a little make up on 959 01:15:49.128 --> 01:15:51.589 you'll be as beautiful as the day I met you. 960 01:15:55.176 --> 01:15:56.552 Honey? 961 01:15:56.635 --> 01:15:58.471 Honey boo-boo? 962 01:16:10.900 --> 01:16:13.152 I don't know what happened. 963 01:16:13.235 --> 01:16:15.738 You must have tripped and accidentally swallowed 964 01:16:15.821 --> 01:16:17.865 all those pills, but do not worry. 965 01:16:17.948 --> 01:16:19.825 Threw them all out. We'll be just fine. 966 01:16:19.909 --> 01:16:22.203 Right. An accident. 967 01:16:22.286 --> 01:16:25.164 I got a little surprise for you. 968 01:16:25.247 --> 01:16:27.124 - What? - Upstairs, 969 01:16:27.208 --> 01:16:28.834 I set up the VCR with all those tapes 970 01:16:28.918 --> 01:16:30.419 of you winning the beauty contest. 971 01:16:30.503 --> 01:16:32.671 I know how that cheers you up. 972 01:16:32.755 --> 01:16:35.007 We'll go upstairs and watch them, yeah? Come on. 973 01:16:35.091 --> 01:16:36.258 Come on. 974 01:16:51.774 --> 01:16:53.317 There she is! 975 01:16:53.400 --> 01:16:55.444 Oh, my god. Honey, you are so... 976 01:16:55.528 --> 01:16:57.863 Oh, by the way, 977 01:16:57.947 --> 01:17:00.491 I was thinking about how to deal with, 978 01:17:00.574 --> 01:17:02.701 let's call them blemishes on your face, 979 01:17:02.785 --> 01:17:05.955 and while you were away, 980 01:17:06.038 --> 01:17:07.665 I took an art class. 981 01:17:07.748 --> 01:17:09.542 I think I was able to reconstruct 982 01:17:09.625 --> 01:17:11.085 your face really well. 983 01:17:11.168 --> 01:17:13.546 Oh, yeah? You fixed me. 984 01:17:14.797 --> 01:17:17.591 So you're telling me I'm as beautiful as I was before? 985 01:17:17.675 --> 01:17:20.302 Even better, and I got a perfect score 986 01:17:20.386 --> 01:17:22.012 from my art teacher. 987 01:17:22.096 --> 01:17:23.722 I don't know. 988 01:17:23.806 --> 01:17:26.600 It doesn't feel right. 989 01:17:26.684 --> 01:17:28.853 What artist did you study? 990 01:17:28.936 --> 01:17:30.229 Picasso! 991 01:17:39.738 --> 01:17:41.574 What the hell is this? 992 01:17:41.657 --> 01:17:45.244 I knew your affections for the cat were very strong, so. 993 01:17:45.953 --> 01:17:50.166 You attached Fifi to me? 994 01:17:50.249 --> 01:17:52.418 Yes! Don't you love it? 995 01:17:52.501 --> 01:17:54.503 Now, you guys will never be separated. 996 01:17:54.587 --> 01:17:58.090 What the fuck is wrong with you? 997 01:17:58.174 --> 01:17:59.758 Wait, you don't like this? 998 01:18:03.971 --> 01:18:05.472 If that's Fifi, 999 01:18:05.556 --> 01:18:08.267 who the hell is this you've attached to me? 1000 01:18:09.018 --> 01:18:12.605 I don't know, he was back by the dumpsters. 1001 01:18:12.688 --> 01:18:15.566 So cute, looks just like Fifi, doesn't it? 1002 01:18:19.570 --> 01:18:21.822 Think of it as like a windshield wiper, 1003 01:18:21.906 --> 01:18:25.618 you grow used to it, your friends will be jealous. 1004 01:18:38.547 --> 01:18:43.052 Victor, stop bringing me back. 1005 01:18:43.135 --> 01:18:44.637 But I love you! 1006 01:18:44.720 --> 01:18:47.848 But I don't love living this way. 1007 01:18:47.932 --> 01:18:50.476 What can I do to make you happy? 1008 01:18:50.559 --> 01:18:52.811 You can make me beautiful again. 1009 01:18:52.895 --> 01:18:55.522 But you already are beautiful. 1010 01:18:55.606 --> 01:18:57.149 No, I'm not. 1011 01:18:57.233 --> 01:18:59.652 You're the most beautiful women that I know. 1012 01:18:59.735 --> 01:19:01.654 I'm ugly. 1013 01:19:01.737 --> 01:19:03.322 You're a masterpiece. 1014 01:19:03.405 --> 01:19:04.907 Your delicate hands... 1015 01:19:06.492 --> 01:19:09.161 Your wonderful eyes. Your beautiful smile. 1016 01:19:09.245 --> 01:19:12.373 Your radiance knows no bounds. 1017 01:19:12.456 --> 01:19:14.333 You really think so? 1018 01:19:14.416 --> 01:19:16.460 I most certainly do, my darling. 1019 01:19:16.543 --> 01:19:18.087 Then kiss me. 1020 01:19:19.588 --> 01:19:21.548 - What? - Kiss me. 1021 01:19:21.632 --> 01:19:25.010 If I'm not vile to look at then make love to me. 1022 01:19:27.930 --> 01:19:29.848 If I'm as beautiful as ever, 1023 01:19:29.932 --> 01:19:34.603 then you should want to pounce on me right now. 1024 01:19:39.441 --> 01:19:40.985 Crapola. 1025 01:19:43.445 --> 01:19:45.572 Are you sure you're in the mood, honey? 1026 01:19:45.656 --> 01:19:47.491 - Yes. - Because, you know, 1027 01:19:47.574 --> 01:19:49.052 we could watch television or something. 1028 01:19:49.076 --> 01:19:52.121 Make me feel beautiful. 1029 01:19:52.204 --> 01:19:53.914 Yeah. Cool. Cool, cool. Sure. 1030 01:20:04.800 --> 01:20:07.553 Okay, okay. Let's do this. 1031 01:20:24.111 --> 01:20:25.904 Is it good for you, baby? 1032 01:20:25.988 --> 01:20:29.491 I should have made the daddy hole a little bit bigger. 1033 01:20:32.453 --> 01:20:34.830 Oh, it's the balloon. 1034 01:20:34.913 --> 01:20:36.498 Just the balloon. 1035 01:21:24.880 --> 01:21:27.716 Are you okay, Victor? 1036 01:21:27.800 --> 01:21:31.845 Yeah, that was amazing, baby. 1037 01:21:33.889 --> 01:21:35.891 Just like our wedding night. 1038 01:21:37.810 --> 01:21:41.271 You have definitely not aged one bit. 1039 01:21:41.355 --> 01:21:43.982 Oh, my god. 1040 01:21:44.066 --> 01:21:46.693 Oh, I'll get it, baby. 1041 01:21:49.071 --> 01:21:50.823 I ordered dinner. 1042 01:21:50.906 --> 01:21:55.035 So you just stay there and bask in the glory of... my love. 1043 01:21:55.119 --> 01:21:56.829 I'll get the dinner. 1044 01:21:58.414 --> 01:22:00.124 Magic pizza! 1045 01:22:00.207 --> 01:22:05.087 We deliver in less than five hours or your soda is half off. 1046 01:22:05.170 --> 01:22:07.798 Yes. Wonderful, wonderful. Honey! 1047 01:22:07.881 --> 01:22:09.383 I'm just going to get some pizza, 1048 01:22:09.466 --> 01:22:11.468 put in the blender for your food hole. 1049 01:22:11.552 --> 01:22:13.262 Let's see what I got there. 1050 01:22:13.345 --> 01:22:15.347 How are you doing, buddy? What's your name? 1051 01:22:15.431 --> 01:22:16.598 Fuck off. 1052 01:22:16.682 --> 01:22:19.184 Fuckov? Is that Russian? Fuckov? 1053 01:22:19.268 --> 01:22:21.854 Say, there's something on your roof. 1054 01:22:21.937 --> 01:22:23.856 Huh? What? 1055 01:22:32.865 --> 01:22:34.616 Oh, shit. 1056 01:22:45.002 --> 01:22:46.879 What are you complaining about? 1057 01:22:48.297 --> 01:22:51.467 It's only been a couple of weeks, you'll get used to it. 1058 01:22:51.550 --> 01:22:55.262 Besides, not only did you get your second hand back, 1059 01:22:55.345 --> 01:22:58.140 but you have a third one as a spare. 1060 01:23:00.851 --> 01:23:03.479 Hey! Those are my lips. 1061 01:23:03.562 --> 01:23:05.647 Ah, fuckov. I'm sorry, I keep forgetting. 1062 01:23:05.731 --> 01:23:08.400 You're a very good kisser, though. 1063 01:23:14.865 --> 01:23:17.784 Nibbling on your ears is positively delicious. 1064 01:23:17.868 --> 01:23:20.913 Victor, this has to stop. 1065 01:23:20.996 --> 01:23:23.123 What? I can always get more pizza. What you think? 1066 01:23:23.207 --> 01:23:24.887 He's the only pizza guy in the world, baby? 1067 01:23:24.958 --> 01:23:27.628 I'm done. I want out. 1068 01:23:27.711 --> 01:23:29.505 Okay, you want to go out? 1069 01:23:29.588 --> 01:23:30.923 Let's see, we could go to the park 1070 01:23:31.006 --> 01:23:32.883 if we go out the backdoor... 1071 01:23:32.966 --> 01:23:35.719 I want a divorce. 1072 01:23:38.096 --> 01:23:40.599 Look at me. Just look at me. 1073 01:23:41.642 --> 01:23:44.937 Can you honestly tell me I'm beautiful? 1074 01:23:46.146 --> 01:23:47.147 Honestly. 1075 01:23:47.898 --> 01:23:49.983 I'm not gonna lie, it's taking a little bit 1076 01:23:50.067 --> 01:23:51.711 to get used to you new features but you know, 1077 01:23:51.735 --> 01:23:53.445 I'm getting there. I'm getting there. 1078 01:23:53.529 --> 01:23:55.572 We all change physically. 1079 01:23:57.366 --> 01:23:59.660 It's not the physical things that are important, though. 1080 01:23:59.743 --> 01:24:02.287 I did not fall in love with you for your beauty alone. 1081 01:24:02.371 --> 01:24:04.498 I fell in love with you for your kindness and 1082 01:24:04.581 --> 01:24:06.792 your sense of humor and the way you cheered me up 1083 01:24:06.875 --> 01:24:08.126 when my experiments went wrong, 1084 01:24:08.210 --> 01:24:09.711 and you had to do that quite a bit. 1085 01:24:09.795 --> 01:24:11.713 Am I kidding? No. 1086 01:24:13.465 --> 01:24:16.301 The heart does not use the eyes to see. 1087 01:24:16.385 --> 01:24:20.681 True beauty can not be reflected in the mirror. 1088 01:24:20.764 --> 01:24:25.060 I love you. The real you, the deep down inside you. 1089 01:24:25.143 --> 01:24:28.522 Nothing could change that, ever. 1090 01:24:28.605 --> 01:24:30.190 You know, they call me a mad scientist. 1091 01:24:30.274 --> 01:24:31.984 Well, yes, I am mad. 1092 01:24:32.901 --> 01:24:34.736 I'm mad about you. 1093 01:24:35.737 --> 01:24:37.072 You know what? 1094 01:24:37.155 --> 01:24:39.491 I have a cousin who's a plastic surgeon. 1095 01:24:39.575 --> 01:24:41.827 I'm sold. Goodbye, Victor. 1096 01:24:41.910 --> 01:24:43.287 Have a nice life. 1097 01:24:43.370 --> 01:24:45.247 Wait... 1098 01:24:45.330 --> 01:24:47.833 Wait, what? What? 1099 01:24:49.960 --> 01:24:55.507 Wait, wait, wait, wait. 1100 01:24:55.591 --> 01:24:58.635 Wait, wait. 1101 01:25:07.436 --> 01:25:10.022 A monster, kill it! 1102 01:25:52.981 --> 01:25:54.399 Oh, hey. 1103 01:25:54.483 --> 01:25:56.068 Oh, great, great read. 1104 01:25:56.151 --> 01:25:59.321 You must be, are you... Are you representing Jasmin? 1105 01:25:59.404 --> 01:26:02.407 I will have my people talk to Jasmin. 1106 01:26:02.491 --> 01:26:04.576 You must be her boyfriend, right? 1107 01:26:04.660 --> 01:26:06.745 Okay, I really have to go. 1108 01:27:02.509 --> 01:27:04.094 Jasmin, darling. 1109 01:27:04.177 --> 01:27:06.471 Fantastic seeing you. 1110 01:27:06.555 --> 01:27:07.806 Thank you. Thank you. 1111 01:27:07.889 --> 01:27:09.683 We here at snake oil publishing, 1112 01:27:09.766 --> 01:27:11.309 we love the book. 1113 01:27:11.393 --> 01:27:13.145 We just loved it. 1114 01:27:13.228 --> 01:27:14.438 You actually read it? 1115 01:27:14.521 --> 01:27:16.273 Oh, no. 1116 01:27:16.356 --> 01:27:18.358 But I talked to my people on the phone 1117 01:27:18.442 --> 01:27:21.737 and they could not stop screaming about it. 1118 01:27:21.820 --> 01:27:23.739 Oh, I see. 1119 01:27:23.822 --> 01:27:25.615 Mh-mm. I talked to the distributors 1120 01:27:25.699 --> 01:27:29.035 and they say the new Raymond castle book 1121 01:27:29.119 --> 01:27:30.662 is going to be huge. 1122 01:27:30.746 --> 01:27:32.164 - Well, that's great news. - Yeah, 1123 01:27:32.247 --> 01:27:34.249 we're gonna have tons of copies in Wal-Mart, 1124 01:27:34.332 --> 01:27:36.668 in Barnes & noble. 1125 01:27:36.752 --> 01:27:39.171 It's gonna be the next goosebumps. 1126 01:27:39.254 --> 01:27:41.590 Oh, that's good. Good. 1127 01:27:41.673 --> 01:27:44.676 This book, it's gonna be killer. 1128 01:27:50.182 --> 01:27:52.142 Well, I hope so.