1 00:00:02,000 --> 00:00:07,000 Downloaded from YTS.MX 2 00:00:05,071 --> 00:00:08,041 ♪♪♪ 3 00:00:08,000 --> 00:00:13,000 Official YIFY movies site: YTS.MX 4 00:00:14,014 --> 00:00:16,916 [cheers and applause] 5 00:00:31,498 --> 00:00:37,437 ♪♪♪ 6 00:00:37,537 --> 00:00:41,775 [cheers and applause continue] 7 00:00:43,243 --> 00:00:46,346 Crazy will always beat scary. 8 00:00:46,413 --> 00:00:48,581 Do you know what I mean by that? 9 00:00:48,681 --> 00:00:50,784 It's not a great thesis. It's not profound, 10 00:00:50,884 --> 00:00:54,087 but legitimately, that is the closest I have come 11 00:00:54,187 --> 00:00:56,356 to forgiveness in my life. 12 00:00:56,423 --> 00:00:59,192 So for most of my life, my mom was a single parent. 13 00:00:59,259 --> 00:01:02,228 Five kids. No child support. 14 00:01:02,295 --> 00:01:03,930 We were on food stamps. 15 00:01:04,030 --> 00:01:06,599 When those ran out, we would dumpster dive for food. 16 00:01:06,699 --> 00:01:08,935 A lot of people find it hard to believe 17 00:01:09,035 --> 00:01:12,872 that I was ever that poor, 'cause look at this shit. 18 00:01:12,939 --> 00:01:13,907 [laughter] 19 00:01:13,973 --> 00:01:16,476 Like, not only do I look like, 20 00:01:16,576 --> 00:01:19,646 "Meh, everything just, like, worked out." 21 00:01:19,746 --> 00:01:22,115 I look like the kind of, like, white, wealthy-- 22 00:01:22,215 --> 00:01:25,819 I look like I was conceived in an Ivy League a capella concert. 23 00:01:25,919 --> 00:01:29,055 [laughter] 24 00:01:29,122 --> 00:01:30,457 [cheers and applause] 25 00:01:30,557 --> 00:01:33,093 You know what I mean? Where it is, like, that... 26 00:01:33,159 --> 00:01:35,962 ♪ Shimmy-doo-wop, my dad owns every university ♪ 27 00:01:36,062 --> 00:01:39,399 ♪ Shimmy-doo-wop, what is adversity? ♪ 28 00:01:39,466 --> 00:01:41,668 It's not just rich either, right? 29 00:01:41,768 --> 00:01:44,804 It is, like, evil rich, right? 30 00:01:44,904 --> 00:01:48,475 It's like a "Game of Thrones" King Joffrey type of rich. 31 00:01:48,575 --> 00:01:53,613 It looks like I found a way to monetize human suffering. 32 00:01:53,680 --> 00:01:56,783 I run a for-profit private prison, 33 00:01:56,850 --> 00:02:02,288 or even worse, I have a YouTube prank channel, 34 00:02:02,355 --> 00:02:05,024 where it's like, uh, they all look like me. 35 00:02:05,125 --> 00:02:07,193 It's a guy committing, like, a crime on camera. 36 00:02:07,293 --> 00:02:10,096 He's like, "What is the prank, bro? 37 00:02:10,163 --> 00:02:11,631 What's up? I'm Tyler, and today, 38 00:02:11,698 --> 00:02:14,534 we're about to steal this old woman's insulin." 39 00:02:14,634 --> 00:02:19,939 [laughter] 40 00:02:20,006 --> 00:02:22,208 I grew up very poor in a big family. 41 00:02:22,308 --> 00:02:24,844 One summer, my two sisters, 42 00:02:24,944 --> 00:02:26,546 they go to this cheerleading day camp 43 00:02:26,646 --> 00:02:28,815 that's discounted for low-income people, 44 00:02:28,882 --> 00:02:31,718 because the woman that runs it is very religious. 45 00:02:31,818 --> 00:02:34,053 About five minutes up the road is a boys basketball camp 46 00:02:34,154 --> 00:02:36,656 that I really wanted to go to. 47 00:02:36,723 --> 00:02:39,526 But because my mom wanted to save that little bit of money, 48 00:02:39,626 --> 00:02:41,394 little bit of drive time, she goes, 49 00:02:41,494 --> 00:02:44,697 "Oh. Why don't you just attend the cheerleading camp 50 00:02:44,797 --> 00:02:47,567 with your sisters? Basically the same thing." 51 00:02:47,667 --> 00:02:49,169 [laughter] 52 00:02:49,235 --> 00:02:54,340 Huh? No, those are two wildly different things. 53 00:02:54,407 --> 00:02:55,742 That's like if you were in a restaurant, 54 00:02:55,842 --> 00:02:57,410 and you tried to order a Coke, and the server was like, 55 00:02:57,510 --> 00:02:59,145 "Actually, we don't have Coke, 56 00:02:59,212 --> 00:03:03,716 but is it okay if I just frame you for arson? 57 00:03:03,816 --> 00:03:06,152 In my head, it's the same thing." 58 00:03:06,219 --> 00:03:08,321 8 years old, no control over my life, 59 00:03:08,388 --> 00:03:09,856 I go to this cheer camp. I was like, 60 00:03:09,923 --> 00:03:12,025 you know what I'll do? I'll just lay low all summer. 61 00:03:12,091 --> 00:03:14,494 I won't participate in any of the cheers. 62 00:03:14,561 --> 00:03:16,095 I'll be in the back. 63 00:03:16,196 --> 00:03:17,697 Right? We've seen male cheerleaders before. 64 00:03:17,764 --> 00:03:19,199 They're like the spotter. I'll do that. 65 00:03:19,265 --> 00:03:24,003 Turns out, it's pretty hard to lay low at a cheer camp 66 00:03:24,070 --> 00:03:28,007 when you are not only the only boy out of 37 girls, 67 00:03:28,074 --> 00:03:31,945 but you are also the smallest of all the girls. 68 00:03:32,045 --> 00:03:34,914 [laughter] 69 00:03:35,014 --> 00:03:36,683 Why is that important? 70 00:03:36,749 --> 00:03:38,718 Smallest girl in every cheer squad 71 00:03:38,785 --> 00:03:40,386 is what's known as the... 72 00:03:40,453 --> 00:03:42,121 AUDIENCE: Flyer! 73 00:03:42,222 --> 00:03:45,258 The flyer. So the flyer is the delicate little angel 74 00:03:45,358 --> 00:03:50,063 that's always getting tossed up in the air... 75 00:03:50,129 --> 00:03:52,799 [cheers and applause] 76 00:03:52,899 --> 00:03:54,767 ...because her delicate, like, bird bones 77 00:03:54,867 --> 00:03:57,237 are too dangerous to support anyone 78 00:03:57,303 --> 00:04:00,940 and is the safest to be thrown by minors. 79 00:04:01,040 --> 00:04:02,909 Unprofessional minors, by the way. 80 00:04:02,976 --> 00:04:05,478 This isn't like Netflix "Cheer" quality girls. 81 00:04:05,578 --> 00:04:10,483 This is day camp quality girls. You know what that means? 82 00:04:10,583 --> 00:04:13,953 Day camp? These girls don't even have the heart and commitment 83 00:04:14,053 --> 00:04:16,089 to go to a sleepaway camp. 84 00:04:16,155 --> 00:04:18,424 They're just stopping by at 2 p.m. 85 00:04:18,491 --> 00:04:20,426 to drop me on a rubber mat 86 00:04:20,493 --> 00:04:22,762 that's somehow harder than the floor? 87 00:04:22,829 --> 00:04:24,330 Do you even want this, Marisa? 88 00:04:24,430 --> 00:04:26,833 Because right now you're trying to make Nationals 89 00:04:26,933 --> 00:04:28,935 with a real Regionals attitude. 90 00:04:29,002 --> 00:04:32,639 [laughter and applause] 91 00:04:32,739 --> 00:04:35,074 So the whole time that I'm being... 92 00:04:35,141 --> 00:04:37,610 [panting and gasping] 93 00:04:37,677 --> 00:04:38,978 [grunts] 94 00:04:39,078 --> 00:04:41,347 ...reluctantly tossed in the air, 95 00:04:41,447 --> 00:04:45,652 our cheer instructor, Mrs. Schmidt, is yelling at me, 96 00:04:45,752 --> 00:04:49,122 "Smile! You're at the top of a pyramid, 97 00:04:49,188 --> 00:04:51,591 not the top of the cross!" 98 00:04:51,658 --> 00:04:54,027 [laughter] 99 00:04:54,127 --> 00:04:57,697 She's very religious. 100 00:04:57,797 --> 00:05:00,199 Every time that the girls would drop me, 101 00:05:00,300 --> 00:05:03,536 which happened... all of the time, 102 00:05:03,636 --> 00:05:06,372 Mrs. Schmidt would have all the girls crowd around me 103 00:05:06,472 --> 00:05:08,675 in a semicircle, and they would all start clapping. 104 00:05:08,775 --> 00:05:11,044 They would go... [chanting] "Make noise, make noise. 105 00:05:11,144 --> 00:05:12,879 Make nose, make noise." 106 00:05:12,979 --> 00:05:16,849 So not a hospital. 107 00:05:16,949 --> 00:05:18,217 If anything, just a way to sort of drown out 108 00:05:18,318 --> 00:05:22,355 any screams of pain in case the janitor comes by, 109 00:05:22,455 --> 00:05:25,124 like, "Nothing to see here! Business as usual!" 110 00:05:25,191 --> 00:05:30,229 Roll my body up in a rubber mat and then throw me into a swamp. 111 00:05:30,330 --> 00:05:34,400 But eventually I make it to the boys basketball camp 112 00:05:34,500 --> 00:05:36,969 because at the end of the summer, 113 00:05:37,036 --> 00:05:39,972 the big grand finale for us gals... 114 00:05:40,039 --> 00:05:42,375 [laughter] 115 00:05:42,475 --> 00:05:44,911 ...is we get to go up to the boys camp-- 116 00:05:45,011 --> 00:05:47,847 -AUDIENCE MEMBER: So sad! -...and cheer them--So sad. 117 00:05:47,914 --> 00:05:49,749 [laughter and applause] 118 00:05:49,849 --> 00:05:51,851 An adult that knew they were on camera for a taping went, 119 00:05:51,918 --> 00:05:54,721 "So sad." 120 00:05:54,821 --> 00:05:59,392 [laughter and applause] 121 00:05:59,492 --> 00:06:01,260 Thank you. 122 00:06:01,361 --> 00:06:02,995 [laughter and applause] 123 00:06:03,062 --> 00:06:06,432 Big grand finale for us gals is we get to go up to the boys camp 124 00:06:06,532 --> 00:06:10,269 and cheer them on during one of their games. 125 00:06:10,370 --> 00:06:13,773 So sad! 126 00:06:13,873 --> 00:06:20,213 [laughter and applause] 127 00:06:20,279 --> 00:06:22,548 Mrs. Schmidt comes to me, and she goes, 128 00:06:22,615 --> 00:06:25,284 "Oh, my God, so you're gonna laugh." 129 00:06:25,385 --> 00:06:27,220 I'm like, "Fuckin' try me!" 130 00:06:27,286 --> 00:06:29,622 [laughter] 131 00:06:29,722 --> 00:06:33,126 "We ordered the uniforms at the beginning of the summer 132 00:06:33,226 --> 00:06:35,395 before we knew that you were gonna join us. 133 00:06:35,461 --> 00:06:37,964 So all we have are skirts. 134 00:06:38,064 --> 00:06:40,566 Don't worry. I wouldn't do that to you. 135 00:06:40,633 --> 00:06:44,437 Why don't you just bring a pair of blue shorts from home?" 136 00:06:44,537 --> 00:06:46,406 I have an idea. 137 00:06:46,472 --> 00:06:50,376 Why don't you just kill me right where I stand? 138 00:06:50,443 --> 00:06:53,479 So I walk up to this boys basketball camp 139 00:06:53,579 --> 00:06:55,114 in blue shorts 140 00:06:55,214 --> 00:06:58,918 and a top with a neckline that could only be described 141 00:06:58,985 --> 00:07:02,922 as not unisex, 142 00:07:02,989 --> 00:07:04,590 low sweeping "V," 143 00:07:04,657 --> 00:07:07,260 and because of my delicate, little bird bone frame, 144 00:07:07,326 --> 00:07:10,830 it's--it's--it's falling off the shoulder. 145 00:07:10,930 --> 00:07:14,634 Little tease for the boys. Ahh. 146 00:07:14,734 --> 00:07:16,269 Bitch, you wanna see these chocolates? 147 00:07:16,335 --> 00:07:18,237 Mnh-mnh! 148 00:07:18,304 --> 00:07:21,107 [laughter] 149 00:07:21,174 --> 00:07:24,177 We walk up to the boys basketball camp. 150 00:07:24,277 --> 00:07:28,281 Before the boys can even take the court for their game, 151 00:07:28,347 --> 00:07:30,616 they're like, "Get up there! Show 'em what you learned." 152 00:07:30,683 --> 00:07:32,118 We start the boys off 153 00:07:32,185 --> 00:07:34,987 with probably our most masculine cheer. 154 00:07:35,087 --> 00:07:38,858 [chanting] "All right, boys, show us what you got! 155 00:07:38,958 --> 00:07:42,094 Show us what you got, boys, show us what you got!" 156 00:07:42,161 --> 00:07:45,131 [cheers and applause] 157 00:07:47,700 --> 00:07:50,803 [cheers and applause continue] 158 00:07:50,870 --> 00:07:55,274 Now I don't know if you've ever had to cheer someone on 159 00:07:55,341 --> 00:07:57,877 as they bully you. 160 00:07:57,977 --> 00:08:01,681 [laughter] 161 00:08:01,781 --> 00:08:03,549 But it's a lot like if someone shot you 162 00:08:03,649 --> 00:08:07,487 and then it was your job to reload their gun for them. 163 00:08:07,553 --> 00:08:09,822 Oh, don't worry. 164 00:08:09,889 --> 00:08:13,192 It gets way worse, section that's not that into it. 165 00:08:13,292 --> 00:08:15,228 [laughter and applause] 166 00:08:15,328 --> 00:08:18,865 Fucking halftime rolls around. 167 00:08:18,965 --> 00:08:20,833 Now we have a cheer with participation built in. 168 00:08:20,900 --> 00:08:23,169 We have the cheer, goes like this. 169 00:08:23,236 --> 00:08:24,670 [chanting] "We got spirit! Yes, we do! 170 00:08:24,737 --> 00:08:27,073 We got spirit! How 'bout you?" 171 00:08:27,173 --> 00:08:29,509 And the boys are supposed to go, "Yeah!" 172 00:08:29,575 --> 00:08:31,310 And we go, "I can't hear you!" 173 00:08:31,377 --> 00:08:33,479 And they go, "Yeah!" even louder. 174 00:08:33,546 --> 00:08:36,716 So as the flyer, I have to step right out in front. 175 00:08:36,816 --> 00:08:38,084 [chanting] "We got spirit! Yes, we do! 176 00:08:38,184 --> 00:08:40,920 We got spirit! How 'bout you?" 177 00:08:41,020 --> 00:08:44,223 The boys take this opportunity to yell, 178 00:08:44,323 --> 00:08:48,594 "You're a cheer queer!" 179 00:08:48,694 --> 00:08:54,033 And then I have to chime back in with, "I can't hear you!" 180 00:08:54,100 --> 00:08:58,004 [laughter and applause] 181 00:09:02,675 --> 00:09:03,876 [grunts] 182 00:09:03,943 --> 00:09:08,514 "Smile! Not the cross!" 183 00:09:08,581 --> 00:09:11,551 [cheers and applause] 184 00:09:16,455 --> 00:09:18,391 I didn't know how to stand up for myself. 185 00:09:18,457 --> 00:09:21,127 I was afraid. I was. I was afraid. 186 00:09:21,227 --> 00:09:23,296 I didn't know how to stand up for myself at cheer camp. 187 00:09:23,396 --> 00:09:27,366 A lot of fear comes from being poor. 188 00:09:27,433 --> 00:09:31,604 If I was doing a modern-day comedy special-- 189 00:09:31,704 --> 00:09:33,406 you know those ones where it's like-- 190 00:09:33,472 --> 00:09:36,108 it's like more like a Ted Talk than... 191 00:09:36,208 --> 00:09:37,944 Your friend asks you, like, 192 00:09:38,044 --> 00:09:40,880 "Hey, how was that comedy special? Was it funny?" 193 00:09:40,947 --> 00:09:43,616 And you're like, "It was...important." 194 00:09:43,716 --> 00:09:46,652 [laughter and applause] 195 00:09:48,588 --> 00:09:52,158 If I was doing one of those, I would make the argument 196 00:09:52,258 --> 00:09:55,161 that poverty is a disease on the very macro level. 197 00:09:55,261 --> 00:09:57,296 'Cause I do believe that poverty is a disease, 198 00:09:57,396 --> 00:09:59,465 and its most sinister symptom is fear. 199 00:09:59,565 --> 00:10:03,302 It's something that I carry with me to this day. 200 00:10:03,402 --> 00:10:04,770 If I was doing a modern-day comedy special, 201 00:10:04,837 --> 00:10:07,773 I'd make the argument that yes, poverty is a disease. 202 00:10:07,840 --> 00:10:10,643 It's passed down generationally just like a disease. 203 00:10:10,743 --> 00:10:12,311 There's a lower life expectancy 204 00:10:12,411 --> 00:10:14,180 for people born below the poverty line. 205 00:10:14,280 --> 00:10:18,117 It's no revelation that poverty is a major stressor, 206 00:10:18,184 --> 00:10:19,852 and we know that chronic stress causes damage 207 00:10:19,952 --> 00:10:22,822 to the cerebral cortex, the part of your brain 208 00:10:22,922 --> 00:10:25,958 that's in charge of risk/reward, long-term planning. 209 00:10:26,025 --> 00:10:28,194 Basically all the tools that would get you out of poverty 210 00:10:28,294 --> 00:10:31,697 get damaged by being poor. 211 00:10:31,797 --> 00:10:34,133 Trying to dig yourself out of poverty in this country, 212 00:10:34,200 --> 00:10:38,537 it's like trying to fix a scratch on your car 213 00:10:38,638 --> 00:10:42,475 by repainting it with a rake. 214 00:10:42,541 --> 00:10:44,477 You'll be like... [makes squeaking sound] 215 00:10:44,543 --> 00:10:47,446 That's--That's the modern-day comedy special. 216 00:10:47,513 --> 00:10:50,049 I do not want to do that. 217 00:10:50,149 --> 00:10:52,284 I have nothing of educational value 218 00:10:52,351 --> 00:10:54,153 to add to your night. 219 00:10:54,220 --> 00:10:57,957 You won't learn anything. I have legitimately no agenda. 220 00:10:58,024 --> 00:11:02,862 I just want to tell you what it feels like to be poor, 221 00:11:02,962 --> 00:11:05,297 and what it feels like is fear. 222 00:11:05,364 --> 00:11:08,300 How do you create fear in someone? 223 00:11:08,367 --> 00:11:11,704 Well, a good way to start is, uh, take away their stability. 224 00:11:11,804 --> 00:11:15,708 For most of my life, we lived in a bus. 225 00:11:15,808 --> 00:11:17,977 My parents moved us into a bus because I think they were 226 00:11:18,044 --> 00:11:21,580 trying to speed up their divorce. 227 00:11:21,681 --> 00:11:23,582 If you're ever, like, with your spouse, 228 00:11:23,683 --> 00:11:25,918 and you're like, "This is taking too long," 229 00:11:26,018 --> 00:11:29,255 uh, move into a vehicle. 230 00:11:29,355 --> 00:11:31,724 'Cause every time I tell people 231 00:11:31,824 --> 00:11:34,727 that we lived in a converted bus growing up, 232 00:11:34,827 --> 00:11:35,895 especially in L.A., people are like, 233 00:11:35,995 --> 00:11:39,365 "Oh, my God. Cute. 234 00:11:39,432 --> 00:11:41,267 I love that for you." 235 00:11:41,367 --> 00:11:43,569 Because I think you are picturing 236 00:11:43,669 --> 00:11:46,939 the HGTV version of a bus, 237 00:11:47,039 --> 00:11:50,342 where it's like, uh, it's like a young couple from Portland. 238 00:11:50,409 --> 00:11:53,045 Something's a little off in their relationship, 239 00:11:53,112 --> 00:11:55,214 and they're always like, "Hi. I'm Tracy, 240 00:11:55,281 --> 00:11:59,351 and my husband, also named Tracy... 241 00:11:59,418 --> 00:12:02,388 We fixed up this old bus because we stopped having sex, 242 00:12:02,455 --> 00:12:04,957 and large construction projects are the only way 243 00:12:05,057 --> 00:12:07,526 that I know how to make the time move." 244 00:12:07,593 --> 00:12:09,261 [laughter] 245 00:12:09,361 --> 00:12:12,298 Those are great. Those buses are great. 246 00:12:12,398 --> 00:12:14,233 They're built with time, money, 247 00:12:14,300 --> 00:12:17,636 and sexual frustration that crushes it into a diamond. 248 00:12:17,737 --> 00:12:22,308 The bus that my parents built with no skill, no money, 249 00:12:22,408 --> 00:12:25,644 I would love to see an HGTV show Realtor 250 00:12:25,745 --> 00:12:27,947 try to sell it. 251 00:12:28,047 --> 00:12:29,582 You know those ones that have the kind of plastic surgery 252 00:12:29,648 --> 00:12:33,119 where it looks like the wind hurts? 253 00:12:33,219 --> 00:12:34,754 "All right, Greg, Donovan, 254 00:12:34,820 --> 00:12:37,256 I know you were looking for a 2-bedroom, 2-bath. 255 00:12:37,323 --> 00:12:40,960 Instead, I wanna show you this no-bedroom, no-bath, 256 00:12:41,060 --> 00:12:44,497 hot diesel tube that has more miles on it 257 00:12:44,597 --> 00:12:47,767 than we are currently to the sun. 258 00:12:47,833 --> 00:12:50,636 Immediately, you're gonna notice this diesel smell. 259 00:12:50,736 --> 00:12:53,105 Uh, I don't know how carbon monoxide leaks work. 260 00:12:53,172 --> 00:12:54,507 I just know that sometimes you'll be driving, 261 00:12:54,607 --> 00:12:56,275 all the air will get wavy, 262 00:12:56,342 --> 00:12:58,410 and you'll wake up in a new state. 263 00:12:58,477 --> 00:13:01,981 Uh, mountains now." 264 00:13:02,081 --> 00:13:04,817 This is true. So now I have all this anxiety as an adult, 265 00:13:04,917 --> 00:13:09,455 all this fear around waking up and not knowing where I am. 266 00:13:09,522 --> 00:13:12,591 [sighs] And I travel a lot for this job. 267 00:13:12,658 --> 00:13:14,760 So what I will do is I will say out loud to myself 268 00:13:14,827 --> 00:13:17,363 whatever city and state I'm in before I fall asleep. 269 00:13:17,463 --> 00:13:19,698 So a couple days ago, I was in Chicago, 270 00:13:19,799 --> 00:13:22,935 and I was like, "I'm in Chicago. I'm in Chicago, Illinois." Okay? 271 00:13:23,002 --> 00:13:24,703 Tonight I will say to myself, "I'm in Los Angeles. 272 00:13:24,804 --> 00:13:28,174 I'm in Los Angeles, California." Fine. 273 00:13:28,274 --> 00:13:33,145 Sometimes I will forget that someone is in the bed with me. 274 00:13:33,212 --> 00:13:38,117 I was in Arizona, and I met this young woman after a show, 275 00:13:38,184 --> 00:13:41,720 and we had all of the drinks. 276 00:13:41,821 --> 00:13:44,390 Alcohol, uh, juice that makes you rude. 277 00:13:44,490 --> 00:13:48,561 And I forgot that she was in the bed next to me. 278 00:13:48,661 --> 00:13:53,465 So I just say out loud, "Sedona. I'm in Sedona, Arizona." 279 00:13:53,532 --> 00:13:57,036 [laughter] 280 00:13:57,136 --> 00:13:59,205 Very comforting for me. 281 00:13:59,305 --> 00:14:03,542 For her, it's the first act of the horror movie. 282 00:14:03,642 --> 00:14:09,048 I'm on my healing journey. She is on "The First 48." 283 00:14:09,148 --> 00:14:11,050 Why does it matter if there's fear in poor people? 284 00:14:11,150 --> 00:14:14,186 Well, the second you start making decisions out of fear, 285 00:14:14,253 --> 00:14:15,821 those are stupid decisions, right? 286 00:14:15,888 --> 00:14:17,556 You get backed into a corner, 287 00:14:17,656 --> 00:14:19,258 and a lot of times, as a poor person, 288 00:14:19,358 --> 00:14:20,826 you have to make those decisions, 289 00:14:20,893 --> 00:14:23,863 and we've somehow muddled that in our culture to think that, 290 00:14:23,929 --> 00:14:27,867 "Oh, poor people are stupid" because of these decisions. 291 00:14:27,933 --> 00:14:29,702 I just recently found out 292 00:14:29,768 --> 00:14:32,938 that I'm--am severely dyslexic and dysgraphic. 293 00:14:33,038 --> 00:14:36,775 Uh, it's a very fancy way to say "illiterate." 294 00:14:36,876 --> 00:14:40,613 If you're rich in this country, and you not know read good, 295 00:14:40,713 --> 00:14:43,382 then automatically we're like, 296 00:14:43,449 --> 00:14:45,684 "Okay, you probably have a learning disability. 297 00:14:45,751 --> 00:14:47,720 Let's look into it. We'll get you into a program. 298 00:14:47,786 --> 00:14:50,055 We'll get you some Adderall," and the parents are like, 299 00:14:50,122 --> 00:14:51,891 "Whoa, Adderall sounds super dangerous. 300 00:14:51,957 --> 00:14:53,893 Isn't that just like cocaine?" 301 00:14:53,959 --> 00:14:56,061 And the government's like, "No. Cocaine is bad. 302 00:14:56,128 --> 00:14:59,865 Adderall is...blue." 303 00:14:59,932 --> 00:15:01,901 [laughter] 304 00:15:01,967 --> 00:15:05,404 [applause] 305 00:15:05,471 --> 00:15:07,539 And then parents are like, "Uh...that sounds good." 306 00:15:07,606 --> 00:15:11,410 I guess give it to every child that even breaks eye contact. 307 00:15:11,477 --> 00:15:13,145 [laughter] 308 00:15:13,245 --> 00:15:15,814 If you're poor and you not know read good, 309 00:15:15,915 --> 00:15:19,919 then we're just like, "Oh, yeah, business as usual." 310 00:15:19,985 --> 00:15:23,122 People presume that poor people are stupid so often 311 00:15:23,222 --> 00:15:25,591 that when a poor person is not stupid, 312 00:15:25,658 --> 00:15:30,162 holy shit, well, then it's like a whole goddamn movie. 313 00:15:30,262 --> 00:15:33,766 It's like a whole "Good Will Hunting" movie 314 00:15:33,832 --> 00:15:35,768 where the entire premise is just, 315 00:15:35,834 --> 00:15:39,338 "Ah! Forget aliens in space. Can you imagine a world 316 00:15:39,438 --> 00:15:42,741 where this piece of shit that mops the floors 317 00:15:42,808 --> 00:15:45,110 understood math? 318 00:15:45,177 --> 00:15:48,681 Give it every Oscar." 319 00:15:48,781 --> 00:15:52,451 [cheers and applause] 320 00:15:52,518 --> 00:15:54,853 I only... 321 00:15:54,954 --> 00:15:57,323 I only recently found out that I'm dyslexic. 322 00:15:57,423 --> 00:15:58,857 If you're not familiar with dyslexia, 323 00:15:58,958 --> 00:16:00,993 if you haven't, like, read up on it, don't worry. 324 00:16:01,093 --> 00:16:02,861 Neither have we. 325 00:16:02,962 --> 00:16:07,199 All dyslexia really means is that zero percent of the time 326 00:16:07,299 --> 00:16:11,003 is the book better than the movie for me. 327 00:16:11,103 --> 00:16:14,707 I-I have never had a movie ruin a book. 328 00:16:14,807 --> 00:16:18,444 I have had plenty of very confusing books cleared up 329 00:16:18,510 --> 00:16:21,013 thanks to dogshit movies. 330 00:16:21,113 --> 00:16:23,349 Thank you, "Percy Jackson." 331 00:16:23,449 --> 00:16:25,818 Thank you, third "Harry Potter" movie. 332 00:16:25,884 --> 00:16:28,854 [cheers and applause] 333 00:16:31,890 --> 00:16:33,158 Not only... 334 00:16:33,225 --> 00:16:35,728 Not only did people think I was stupid growing up, 335 00:16:35,828 --> 00:16:37,997 but, uh, adults like yourself all the time 336 00:16:38,063 --> 00:16:41,367 would come up to me and ask if I was, in fact, 337 00:16:41,467 --> 00:16:43,902 a little lady person. 338 00:16:44,003 --> 00:16:45,404 I was a very late bloomer. 339 00:16:45,504 --> 00:16:47,306 I didn't really hit puberty until... 340 00:16:47,373 --> 00:16:49,475 hopefully next year. 341 00:16:49,541 --> 00:16:50,909 [laughter] 342 00:16:51,010 --> 00:16:54,313 I was very free with my wrists as a kid, 343 00:16:54,380 --> 00:16:57,583 just like two wet American flags in the sun, 344 00:16:57,683 --> 00:16:59,685 and I walked on my toes. 345 00:16:59,752 --> 00:17:01,253 I walked on my toes for some reason. 346 00:17:01,353 --> 00:17:02,988 So in combination, I-I... 347 00:17:03,055 --> 00:17:05,591 I walk like how bells sound. 348 00:17:05,691 --> 00:17:07,059 [laughter] 349 00:17:07,159 --> 00:17:08,560 [tune of "Carol of the Bells"] ♪ Bing-ba-da-bing ♪ 350 00:17:08,660 --> 00:17:10,262 ♪ Bing-ba-da-bing, bing-ba-da-bing ♪ 351 00:17:10,362 --> 00:17:11,764 And to make matters even worse, 352 00:17:11,864 --> 00:17:15,868 I had this shoulder length long, blond hair. 353 00:17:15,934 --> 00:17:17,369 My mom did not know how to cut hair. 354 00:17:17,436 --> 00:17:20,205 She was too cheap to pay someone to cut it. 355 00:17:20,272 --> 00:17:21,940 So she's like, "You know what? I'll just make it 356 00:17:22,040 --> 00:17:23,709 exactly like my hair but a little bit shorter, 357 00:17:23,776 --> 00:17:26,879 and then that'll be for boys," and it's not. 358 00:17:26,945 --> 00:17:30,115 It is the Lizzie McGuire. 359 00:17:30,215 --> 00:17:33,519 In fact, it's this right here. 360 00:17:33,585 --> 00:17:35,421 -[audience gasps] -Oh, God! 361 00:17:35,521 --> 00:17:37,122 Oh, God! 362 00:17:37,222 --> 00:17:39,458 [cheers and applause] 363 00:17:39,558 --> 00:17:42,194 Notice the low swooping necklace 364 00:17:42,261 --> 00:17:45,397 to accommodate for the puka shell necklace. 365 00:17:45,464 --> 00:17:46,932 Remember when you wanted 366 00:17:47,032 --> 00:17:48,634 a meth head's teeth around your neck? 367 00:17:48,734 --> 00:17:52,304 "Now...why is it this glowing, platinum blond? 368 00:17:52,404 --> 00:17:54,406 You're not blond now." 369 00:17:54,473 --> 00:17:56,108 Well, this is true. 370 00:17:56,208 --> 00:17:58,277 My mom dyed all five of her kids blond 371 00:17:58,377 --> 00:18:02,147 because she didn't want anyone knowing 372 00:18:02,247 --> 00:18:05,484 that she herself was not a natural blonde. 373 00:18:05,584 --> 00:18:07,419 [laughter] 374 00:18:07,486 --> 00:18:09,755 [applause] 375 00:18:09,822 --> 00:18:12,458 Holy shit. Show's over. 376 00:18:12,558 --> 00:18:14,259 Even a serial killer on the run from the law 377 00:18:14,326 --> 00:18:18,230 would be like, "That's too much. I'll do the time." 378 00:18:18,297 --> 00:18:20,999 Oh. I was talking to my mom about this, 379 00:18:21,100 --> 00:18:24,236 just setting up the special, fact-checking everything, 380 00:18:24,303 --> 00:18:26,438 and she goes, "Well, I didn't just dye your guys' hair blond 381 00:18:26,505 --> 00:18:28,607 for--for--for my sake. 382 00:18:28,674 --> 00:18:31,810 I also dyed it blond because we were about to be evicted 383 00:18:31,910 --> 00:18:34,113 from a 1-bedroom apartment, and I wanted to make 384 00:18:34,179 --> 00:18:37,683 all you five kids look like one kid." 385 00:18:37,783 --> 00:18:38,984 [laughter] 386 00:18:39,084 --> 00:18:42,521 [scoffs] That's worse! That's way worse! 387 00:18:42,621 --> 00:18:43,755 [scoffs] 388 00:18:43,822 --> 00:18:47,693 Never, never defend yourself in court. 389 00:18:47,793 --> 00:18:49,995 "Your Honor, how could I have committed that hit-and-run 390 00:18:50,095 --> 00:18:53,432 when I was across town committing a murder?" 391 00:18:53,499 --> 00:18:56,468 [laughter] 392 00:18:58,470 --> 00:19:01,707 I look so much like a little lady person. 393 00:19:01,807 --> 00:19:04,676 I was once kicked out of a men's restroom. 394 00:19:04,776 --> 00:19:06,879 At 13, I was at an Outback Steakhouse 395 00:19:06,979 --> 00:19:09,648 with my mom, not to eat but to steal toilet paper. 396 00:19:09,715 --> 00:19:11,550 [laughter] 397 00:19:11,650 --> 00:19:13,986 I was always too afraid to steal 398 00:19:14,052 --> 00:19:15,120 because I saw my mom constantly get caught. 399 00:19:15,187 --> 00:19:17,122 She was a terrible shoplifter. 400 00:19:17,189 --> 00:19:19,057 And one time she tried to steal bottles of vitamins 401 00:19:19,158 --> 00:19:20,893 from a grocery store. 402 00:19:20,993 --> 00:19:22,961 I don't know if you've ever tried to steal 403 00:19:23,028 --> 00:19:24,296 bottles of vitamins before, 404 00:19:24,363 --> 00:19:27,799 but it's a lot like trying to steal maracas. 405 00:19:27,866 --> 00:19:29,635 [laughter] 406 00:19:29,701 --> 00:19:33,338 Chh-chh! Chh-chh-chh. 407 00:19:33,405 --> 00:19:35,307 Chh-chh! 408 00:19:35,374 --> 00:19:37,142 And then she would be surprised when she got caught. 409 00:19:37,209 --> 00:19:39,077 "How did they know?" 410 00:19:39,178 --> 00:19:40,979 I'm gonna guess they were tipped off by the quinceañera 411 00:19:41,046 --> 00:19:44,049 you have going on in your purse. 412 00:19:44,149 --> 00:19:48,387 [cheers and applause] 413 00:19:48,487 --> 00:19:51,924 I was kicked out of a men's restroom at 13, 414 00:19:52,024 --> 00:19:53,692 Outback Steakhouse with my mom. 415 00:19:53,759 --> 00:19:55,761 One of the customers comes in right after me, 416 00:19:55,861 --> 00:19:58,363 and he goes, "Whoa! What are you doing? 417 00:19:58,430 --> 00:20:02,067 The women's restroom is the next door over, sweetie." 418 00:20:02,167 --> 00:20:03,835 Okay. 419 00:20:03,902 --> 00:20:05,771 We've all established what I looked like. 420 00:20:05,871 --> 00:20:11,543 But also, at this point, I was already standing at the urinal. 421 00:20:11,610 --> 00:20:14,446 [laughter] 422 00:20:14,546 --> 00:20:16,448 Well, what did he think I was doing? 423 00:20:16,548 --> 00:20:19,117 [laughter] 424 00:20:19,218 --> 00:20:21,353 [grunting] 425 00:20:21,420 --> 00:20:24,756 Try to...cup it and splash it in? 426 00:20:24,856 --> 00:20:28,727 And if I do get it in there, why don't you let a girl dream? 427 00:20:28,794 --> 00:20:31,630 I'm over here, trying to shatter the porcelain ceiling. 428 00:20:31,730 --> 00:20:34,633 [laughter] 429 00:20:34,733 --> 00:20:37,436 I definitely know I was supposed to be a rich piece of shit 430 00:20:37,536 --> 00:20:39,805 because the thing that bothered me the most 431 00:20:39,905 --> 00:20:42,074 was the terms for poor people. 432 00:20:42,140 --> 00:20:43,609 So if you're on food stamps like we were, 433 00:20:43,709 --> 00:20:47,980 you were called a "food-insecure household." 434 00:20:48,080 --> 00:20:50,115 I never liked that, 'cause "food-insecure"-- 435 00:20:50,215 --> 00:20:53,652 it... [sighs] it's too emotional of a word. 436 00:20:53,752 --> 00:20:55,454 It just makes, like, a pretty serious issue 437 00:20:55,554 --> 00:20:59,157 just sound adorable, like it's in our heads, 438 00:20:59,258 --> 00:21:00,759 like the government's like, 439 00:21:00,826 --> 00:21:04,663 "Oh, come on! Show us your food. Show us." 440 00:21:04,763 --> 00:21:07,332 And I'm like... 441 00:21:07,432 --> 00:21:10,669 [laughter] 442 00:21:10,769 --> 00:21:13,305 Mnh-mnh. 443 00:21:13,405 --> 00:21:15,340 "Come on, show-- go and show us that..." 444 00:21:15,440 --> 00:21:17,843 Look, I need carbs, not confidence. 445 00:21:17,943 --> 00:21:19,011 But it makes us feel better if we can make 446 00:21:19,111 --> 00:21:20,912 a systemic issue sound psychological, 447 00:21:20,979 --> 00:21:22,281 then it's like, "I don't have to deal with it. 448 00:21:22,347 --> 00:21:23,849 They can just pull themselves up." 449 00:21:23,949 --> 00:21:25,417 If you're on food stamps, 450 00:21:25,484 --> 00:21:27,019 they don't call it "food stamps" anymore. 451 00:21:27,119 --> 00:21:28,754 Now it's called SNAP-- 452 00:21:28,820 --> 00:21:31,290 Supplemental Nutritional Assistance Program. 453 00:21:31,356 --> 00:21:32,624 "SNAP" just sounds like 454 00:21:32,691 --> 00:21:34,626 an off-off-off Broadway production 455 00:21:34,693 --> 00:21:37,796 of "STOMP," the musical. 456 00:21:37,863 --> 00:21:39,631 "Can't afford brooms. Don't wanna get sued. 457 00:21:39,698 --> 00:21:42,267 So just snap." 458 00:21:42,334 --> 00:21:43,802 A woman came up to me after a show 459 00:21:43,869 --> 00:21:48,874 who essentially looked like if an NPR tote bag was a person. 460 00:21:48,974 --> 00:21:51,543 And she was like, "Okay, so-- 461 00:21:51,643 --> 00:21:53,178 so you were homeless growing up, 462 00:21:53,278 --> 00:21:55,213 but you shouldn't say that you were homeless. 463 00:21:55,314 --> 00:21:56,715 It's, like, derogatory. 464 00:21:56,815 --> 00:21:59,451 You should say that you were 'unhoused.'" 465 00:21:59,518 --> 00:22:02,321 And I'm like, "Oh, yeah, sorry I bummed you out 466 00:22:02,387 --> 00:22:05,490 with my own personal experience." 467 00:22:05,557 --> 00:22:09,027 [laughter and applause] 468 00:22:09,127 --> 00:22:10,896 I think it's just like it's these half-measures that we do 469 00:22:10,996 --> 00:22:12,564 to make ourselves feel better. 470 00:22:12,664 --> 00:22:14,733 "Unhoused" doesn't even make sense. 471 00:22:14,833 --> 00:22:16,535 I get that it's the polite thing to say, 472 00:22:16,635 --> 00:22:18,337 but it doesn't make sense. "Homeless" makes sense. 473 00:22:18,403 --> 00:22:21,006 We had a home, and then we had less. 474 00:22:21,073 --> 00:22:25,744 "Unhoused"--that sounds like another HGTV show. 475 00:22:25,844 --> 00:22:28,547 "Tracy and Tracy realized that the bus wasn't their problem. 476 00:22:28,647 --> 00:22:31,316 The problem was Tracy." 477 00:22:31,383 --> 00:22:33,485 "I've tasted a gun before. I didn't pull the trigger, 478 00:22:33,552 --> 00:22:35,854 but it hit one of my fillings, and I liked it." 479 00:22:35,921 --> 00:22:37,389 [laughter] 480 00:22:37,489 --> 00:22:40,425 "So now they're trying to get unhoused." 481 00:22:40,525 --> 00:22:43,695 [laughter] 482 00:22:43,762 --> 00:22:46,064 You can't buy everything you want on food stamps, right? 483 00:22:46,164 --> 00:22:47,532 And even when we would buy things 484 00:22:47,599 --> 00:22:49,534 that are not, like, food stamp-approved, 485 00:22:49,601 --> 00:22:53,372 we would still get the shitty poor person version of it. 486 00:22:53,438 --> 00:22:55,674 Anytime we wanted ice cream, my mom would buy us 487 00:22:55,741 --> 00:23:01,079 that giant, clear value bucket of ice cream. 488 00:23:01,179 --> 00:23:03,248 Did you ever get those? You know what I mean? 489 00:23:03,348 --> 00:23:05,117 -[cheers and applause] -Where, like, you read it, 490 00:23:05,217 --> 00:23:08,920 it's like too cheap to even be a real flavor? 491 00:23:09,020 --> 00:23:10,288 You read it, it's like, 492 00:23:10,389 --> 00:23:13,959 "We got white, and we got darker white!" 493 00:23:14,059 --> 00:23:16,762 What's darker white? Is that supposed to be vanilla bean? 494 00:23:16,862 --> 00:23:20,432 Why are there pinto beans in there? 495 00:23:20,532 --> 00:23:23,902 And this is true. My mom only bought us that ice cream bucket 496 00:23:23,969 --> 00:23:27,706 because she wanted the actual bucket. 497 00:23:27,773 --> 00:23:30,542 At Walmart, a mopping bucket costs $6.99. 498 00:23:30,609 --> 00:23:35,080 Value bucket filled with ice cream--$4.99. 499 00:23:35,147 --> 00:23:38,717 It was cheaper than an empty bucket. 500 00:23:38,784 --> 00:23:40,752 [laughter] 501 00:23:40,819 --> 00:23:45,290 Do you know how shitty your ice cream has to be 502 00:23:45,390 --> 00:23:47,959 to actually depreciate the value of an empty bucket? 503 00:23:48,059 --> 00:23:50,162 You'll be all, "I don't want that bucket 504 00:23:50,262 --> 00:23:51,897 if that ice cream's even touched it. 505 00:23:51,963 --> 00:23:54,332 It might ruin my dirty mop water." 506 00:23:54,433 --> 00:23:57,402 [laughter] 507 00:23:57,469 --> 00:24:00,305 Now the truth about food stamps is it's a broken system. 508 00:24:00,405 --> 00:24:02,007 You pay too much for it as a taxpayer. 509 00:24:02,107 --> 00:24:04,476 Also, for the families that are on it, it's not enough. 510 00:24:04,576 --> 00:24:06,077 You always run out of food stamps. 511 00:24:06,144 --> 00:24:07,679 So what most families do is they, one, 512 00:24:07,779 --> 00:24:09,314 just won't eat when they run out, 513 00:24:09,414 --> 00:24:13,084 or they'll go to a food bank and get the dented cans. 514 00:24:13,151 --> 00:24:16,154 [sighs] It is... I'll get off it, 515 00:24:16,254 --> 00:24:17,856 but it did seem suspicious 516 00:24:17,956 --> 00:24:20,125 that all of the cans were dented. 517 00:24:20,192 --> 00:24:21,760 All of them? 518 00:24:21,827 --> 00:24:24,529 It's like, are they doing that? Or how are you guys shopping? 519 00:24:24,629 --> 00:24:27,199 You're like, "What is this? Low-sodium corn?" 520 00:24:27,299 --> 00:24:29,835 "Get out of here!" 521 00:24:29,935 --> 00:24:34,139 [laughter and applause] 522 00:24:34,206 --> 00:24:35,540 If you don't wanna do that, 523 00:24:35,640 --> 00:24:37,542 you don't want the pandering programs, 524 00:24:37,642 --> 00:24:39,010 you can take a little agency over your life. 525 00:24:39,110 --> 00:24:40,979 Yeah, it's humiliating, 526 00:24:41,046 --> 00:24:43,849 but you can dumpster dive for food. 527 00:24:43,949 --> 00:24:45,817 Whatever the grocery store throws out that's expired 528 00:24:45,884 --> 00:24:47,786 or is about to expire, 529 00:24:47,853 --> 00:24:50,889 we would take that and... [sighs] 530 00:24:50,989 --> 00:24:53,558 I just hated my job dumpster diving. 531 00:24:53,658 --> 00:24:56,127 I-I had to be the lookout. 532 00:24:56,194 --> 00:24:57,395 I was the smallest, so I couldn't be 533 00:24:57,496 --> 00:25:00,298 in the cool-ass dumpster with my siblings. 534 00:25:00,365 --> 00:25:01,900 I had to be the lookout. 535 00:25:02,000 --> 00:25:04,035 Like, that's the worst job in a heist movie. 536 00:25:04,135 --> 00:25:05,704 I'm not even the lookout for something cool 537 00:25:05,804 --> 00:25:08,707 like cash or diamonds. I'm the lookout for garbage, 538 00:25:08,807 --> 00:25:11,042 something we've all unanimously decided 539 00:25:11,142 --> 00:25:13,245 we do not want to look at. 540 00:25:13,345 --> 00:25:14,713 So there's no job. Every once in a while, 541 00:25:14,813 --> 00:25:16,047 a car would drive by, 542 00:25:16,147 --> 00:25:19,351 and then I would just be out front, just... 543 00:25:19,417 --> 00:25:21,253 [laughter and applause] 544 00:25:21,353 --> 00:25:22,988 The face of dumpster diving-- 545 00:25:23,054 --> 00:25:26,858 really, the flyer of dumpster diving. 546 00:25:26,925 --> 00:25:30,862 [chanting] E., E. coli, E., E., E. coli! 547 00:25:30,929 --> 00:25:33,932 [cheers and applause] 548 00:25:34,032 --> 00:25:37,168 That's what people wanna know. 549 00:25:37,235 --> 00:25:38,937 That's the next question, right? 550 00:25:39,037 --> 00:25:41,072 Did we ever get sick eating from the dumpster? 551 00:25:41,172 --> 00:25:44,509 Of course. When I was 9 years old, 552 00:25:44,576 --> 00:25:47,546 we were living in this really terrible part of Florida 553 00:25:47,612 --> 00:25:50,382 called Florida and... -[laughter] 554 00:25:50,448 --> 00:25:53,018 Ha ha, no one's ever made that joke before. 555 00:25:53,084 --> 00:25:54,686 [laughter] 556 00:25:54,753 --> 00:25:56,521 Anytime we wanted to go swimming, 557 00:25:56,588 --> 00:25:58,723 we couldn't afford our own pool, what we would do 558 00:25:58,790 --> 00:26:01,293 is we would break into a condo community 559 00:26:01,393 --> 00:26:04,296 or an apartment complex, or even a country club 560 00:26:04,396 --> 00:26:08,066 in an upscale area, pretend we lived where you live 561 00:26:08,133 --> 00:26:09,434 so we could use your pool. 562 00:26:09,534 --> 00:26:12,637 Some of you know this as a crime. 563 00:26:12,737 --> 00:26:14,739 We were about to break into 564 00:26:14,806 --> 00:26:17,075 the nicest pool in Florida-- Bluewater Bay. 565 00:26:17,142 --> 00:26:19,644 Only downside of Bluewater Bay 566 00:26:19,744 --> 00:26:21,580 is they had a shit-ton of security 567 00:26:21,646 --> 00:26:24,783 to the point where it made me mad how much security there was. 568 00:26:24,883 --> 00:26:26,918 There was a guard shack security guard, 569 00:26:26,985 --> 00:26:28,620 a roaming security guard, 570 00:26:28,720 --> 00:26:32,057 and just a pool security guard. 571 00:26:32,123 --> 00:26:33,491 My mom was all about doubling up, 572 00:26:33,592 --> 00:26:36,161 not just cheer camp and basketball camp. 573 00:26:36,261 --> 00:26:38,430 So she was like, "Okay, we're gonna drive all the way out 574 00:26:38,496 --> 00:26:39,998 to this nice neighborhood. 575 00:26:40,098 --> 00:26:42,467 First, we're gonna stop off at their grocery store dumpster, 576 00:26:42,567 --> 00:26:45,170 see what these richies are throwing out." 577 00:26:45,270 --> 00:26:47,505 [laughter] 578 00:26:47,606 --> 00:26:48,807 I had never seen anything like it. 579 00:26:48,907 --> 00:26:51,176 This grocery store's freezers went down, 580 00:26:51,276 --> 00:26:54,346 so they threw out their entire ice cream department at once. 581 00:26:54,446 --> 00:26:57,849 Every kind of name-brand non-bucket ice cream 582 00:26:57,949 --> 00:27:00,485 is now in three large blue trash bags 583 00:27:00,585 --> 00:27:03,355 sitting in this dumpster-- Hershey's, Klondike, 584 00:27:03,455 --> 00:27:06,825 whatever the fuck sherbert is supposed to be. 585 00:27:06,925 --> 00:27:08,693 My four siblings and I, we waste no time, 586 00:27:08,793 --> 00:27:10,462 right there, back of the store, 587 00:27:10,528 --> 00:27:12,430 just start shoveling half-melted ice cream 588 00:27:12,497 --> 00:27:14,599 into our face as fast as possible, 589 00:27:14,666 --> 00:27:17,202 just like little raccoons before this all melts. 590 00:27:17,302 --> 00:27:20,305 [laughter] 591 00:27:20,372 --> 00:27:24,109 And I feel that judgment from the crowd. 592 00:27:24,175 --> 00:27:28,313 "Gross! You're gonna eat dumpster ice cream?" 593 00:27:28,380 --> 00:27:30,815 Yeah. It's ice cream. 594 00:27:30,882 --> 00:27:33,284 Do you know how good ice cream is? 595 00:27:33,351 --> 00:27:35,987 Ice cream is so good, it's the only food 596 00:27:36,054 --> 00:27:39,658 that all of us in this room will willingly eat 597 00:27:39,724 --> 00:27:42,827 out of a stranger's windowless van. 598 00:27:42,894 --> 00:27:44,796 [laughter and applause] 599 00:27:44,863 --> 00:27:47,365 And we're excited about it! 600 00:27:47,465 --> 00:27:49,968 Oh, yay! It's the ice cream man! 601 00:27:50,035 --> 00:27:53,338 Send the kids alone! Surely that'll be safe. 602 00:27:53,405 --> 00:27:57,742 He is only playing the world's scariest clown music. 603 00:27:57,842 --> 00:28:02,247 Dressed in all white. What kind of pervert dresses in all white? 604 00:28:02,347 --> 00:28:05,016 [laughter] 605 00:28:05,083 --> 00:28:07,085 [cheers and applause] 606 00:28:07,185 --> 00:28:10,021 So my four siblings and I waste no time. 607 00:28:10,088 --> 00:28:13,391 We polish off three large trash bags of ice cream 608 00:28:13,491 --> 00:28:17,829 between the 5 of us in under 15 minutes. 609 00:28:17,896 --> 00:28:22,500 I don't know if you've ever had to speed-eat dairy in the sun. 610 00:28:22,567 --> 00:28:24,069 [laughter] 611 00:28:24,169 --> 00:28:26,604 We are not doing well. 612 00:28:26,705 --> 00:28:28,506 Have you ever been-- have you ever been so full 613 00:28:28,573 --> 00:28:30,442 that you feel it in your neck? 614 00:28:30,542 --> 00:28:31,676 [gulps] 615 00:28:31,743 --> 00:28:34,579 Ahh. It's like every burp is so high stakes. 616 00:28:34,679 --> 00:28:36,614 Every--Every burp is a contraction 617 00:28:36,715 --> 00:28:39,584 for the barf baby that you're about to deliver. 618 00:28:39,684 --> 00:28:41,686 Like, it's kicking. It has a pulse. 619 00:28:41,753 --> 00:28:43,521 Like, if I lived in Texas right now, 620 00:28:43,588 --> 00:28:45,690 it'd be illegal to throw this up. 621 00:28:45,757 --> 00:28:48,193 [cheers and applause] 622 00:28:48,259 --> 00:28:50,128 [imitates Southern accent] "That baby's a person there. 623 00:28:50,228 --> 00:28:52,030 I'll snitch on you." 624 00:28:52,097 --> 00:28:53,965 [applause] 625 00:28:54,065 --> 00:28:57,602 So my mom, thank God, being the one adult 626 00:28:57,702 --> 00:29:00,071 in this whole situation, gets a look at us and is like, 627 00:29:00,138 --> 00:29:04,909 "Okay, you guys do not look well, so pool day... 628 00:29:04,976 --> 00:29:07,312 is still definitely on. 629 00:29:07,412 --> 00:29:08,913 I'm not driving back this way again. 630 00:29:08,980 --> 00:29:10,648 Rally. Let's go." 631 00:29:10,749 --> 00:29:13,485 I get to this pool. 632 00:29:13,585 --> 00:29:15,987 It is packed with other families. 633 00:29:16,087 --> 00:29:17,489 So all the security guards are out-- 634 00:29:17,589 --> 00:29:20,558 the guard shack security guard, the roaming security guard, 635 00:29:20,625 --> 00:29:23,228 and just the pool security guard. 636 00:29:23,294 --> 00:29:25,630 My mom is like, "Okay, look at me. 637 00:29:25,730 --> 00:29:28,900 Look at me. Don't freak out. Just stick with the regular plan 638 00:29:28,967 --> 00:29:30,668 of breaking into one of these pools. 639 00:29:30,769 --> 00:29:33,671 Every kid spreads out as far as possible. 640 00:29:33,772 --> 00:29:36,975 One by one, you enter the pool from different sides. 641 00:29:37,075 --> 00:29:38,843 When it's safe, you can meet in the middle. 642 00:29:38,943 --> 00:29:41,246 We're not gonna flash mob people with poverty." 643 00:29:41,312 --> 00:29:44,315 [laughter] 644 00:29:44,415 --> 00:29:48,286 But the second that I jump in on my side of the pool, 645 00:29:48,353 --> 00:29:50,688 I know that I'm gonna vomit. 646 00:29:50,789 --> 00:29:52,757 [laughter] 647 00:29:52,824 --> 00:29:57,295 so my plan is to just put my mouth under the water 648 00:29:57,362 --> 00:29:59,097 so it won't make a sound, 649 00:29:59,164 --> 00:30:00,832 and then just... [imitates vomiting] 650 00:30:00,932 --> 00:30:04,202 So--So much. It looked like I had eaten nothing 651 00:30:04,302 --> 00:30:07,472 but 700 vanilla lava lamps. 652 00:30:07,539 --> 00:30:11,376 The amount that came out was just like, oh, my God. 653 00:30:11,476 --> 00:30:15,213 I think I figured out how they make darker white. 654 00:30:15,313 --> 00:30:16,981 This kid with red hair-- 655 00:30:17,048 --> 00:30:18,550 he comes to the surface of the pool, 656 00:30:18,650 --> 00:30:22,220 and he goes, "Oh, my God!" 657 00:30:22,320 --> 00:30:27,058 Because he has a full IMAX 3-D experience below. 658 00:30:27,158 --> 00:30:29,460 That causes my older brother Jonah, 659 00:30:29,527 --> 00:30:31,362 who was already... [gags] not doing well-- 660 00:30:31,462 --> 00:30:36,034 he turns--he sees me, and then he starts vomiting. 661 00:30:36,134 --> 00:30:39,070 Because vomiting is a lot like those inspirational quotes 662 00:30:39,170 --> 00:30:41,406 that white girls will post online-- 663 00:30:41,506 --> 00:30:42,841 very contagious and embarrassing 664 00:30:42,907 --> 00:30:45,877 when it slips out of your mouth in public. 665 00:30:45,977 --> 00:30:49,214 So he just starts... [gags] 666 00:30:49,314 --> 00:30:50,915 "If you can't handle me at my worst, 667 00:30:51,015 --> 00:30:53,418 you don't deserve me at my best." 668 00:30:53,518 --> 00:30:57,755 That triggers my two sisters over here to just... [gags] 669 00:30:57,856 --> 00:31:01,226 "Shoot for the moon. You might land amongst the stars." 670 00:31:01,326 --> 00:31:03,928 And then finally, my older brother David just... 671 00:31:04,028 --> 00:31:06,231 [imitates vomiting] "If you want a rainbow, 672 00:31:06,331 --> 00:31:08,600 you're gonna have to put up with some rain." 673 00:31:08,700 --> 00:31:10,735 So now... 674 00:31:10,835 --> 00:31:15,273 [cheers and applause] 675 00:31:15,373 --> 00:31:18,443 There are five kids simultaneously 676 00:31:18,543 --> 00:31:21,846 inspiring the shit out of one pool, 677 00:31:21,913 --> 00:31:24,782 which turns out is way too many kids to be throwing up at once. 678 00:31:24,883 --> 00:31:27,785 I know that because the other parents at this pool 679 00:31:27,886 --> 00:31:30,955 are now freaking the fuck out. 680 00:31:31,055 --> 00:31:36,694 Because we are all so far spread out in this pool, 681 00:31:36,761 --> 00:31:39,197 it doesn't look like some isolated incident. 682 00:31:39,264 --> 00:31:42,300 In their minds, it looks like some sort of violent supervirus 683 00:31:42,400 --> 00:31:47,071 has swept over the entire pool, causing kids to explode. 684 00:31:47,138 --> 00:31:48,706 Kids are screaming. 685 00:31:48,773 --> 00:31:50,808 Parents are pulling their kids out by the arms. 686 00:31:50,909 --> 00:31:52,644 There's kids throwing up that 687 00:31:52,744 --> 00:31:55,647 didn't even eat trash bags of ice cream. 688 00:31:55,747 --> 00:31:57,382 Fuck is your excuse? 689 00:31:57,448 --> 00:32:01,319 [cheers and applause] 690 00:32:01,419 --> 00:32:05,823 I get out of the pool. The entire pool is ruined. 691 00:32:05,924 --> 00:32:08,793 And I remember just thinking to myself, 692 00:32:08,893 --> 00:32:13,331 "Man...this place needs better security." 693 00:32:13,431 --> 00:32:15,300 [laughter] 694 00:32:15,400 --> 00:32:18,336 [cheers and applause] 695 00:32:25,443 --> 00:32:27,779 I think the common misconception is that everyone on food stamps 696 00:32:27,845 --> 00:32:31,149 is just sitting around, waiting to collect a welfare check 697 00:32:31,249 --> 00:32:33,518 and ruining pools. 698 00:32:33,618 --> 00:32:36,154 In my personal memory, my mom was always 699 00:32:36,254 --> 00:32:40,291 in this constant manic state to provide for us-- 700 00:32:40,358 --> 00:32:43,161 all these schemes that we'd end up losing more money on, 701 00:32:43,261 --> 00:32:45,663 than if she just got a minimum wage job. 702 00:32:45,763 --> 00:32:49,000 My earliest memory of this is in 1992, 703 00:32:49,100 --> 00:32:52,870 Bob Saget came on TV and introduced a show called 704 00:32:52,971 --> 00:32:55,139 "America's Funniest Home Videos." 705 00:32:55,206 --> 00:32:56,808 On this show, if you're familiar, 706 00:32:56,874 --> 00:32:58,509 people would send in, like, their amateur tapes 707 00:32:58,609 --> 00:33:00,712 of, like, bloopers on a home video. 708 00:33:00,812 --> 00:33:02,113 Someone fell down. 709 00:33:02,180 --> 00:33:04,382 Someone's playing wiffle ball and got hit in the nuts. 710 00:33:04,482 --> 00:33:06,985 At the end of the show, the funniest video would-- 711 00:33:07,051 --> 00:33:09,454 it's a very exciting show if you haven't seen it, 712 00:33:09,520 --> 00:33:11,990 'cause they--they control the video. 713 00:33:12,056 --> 00:33:14,726 It's like watching someone else watch YouTube. 714 00:33:14,826 --> 00:33:16,794 [laughter] 715 00:33:16,861 --> 00:33:19,163 End of the show, the funniest video 716 00:33:19,230 --> 00:33:20,665 would win 10 grand. 717 00:33:20,732 --> 00:33:23,468 Uh, and then Bob Saget would, like, do-- 718 00:33:23,534 --> 00:33:25,703 This is not--this probably won't make the special, 719 00:33:25,803 --> 00:33:27,739 but just for you guys, um... [chuckles] 720 00:33:27,839 --> 00:33:29,741 I was rewatching it to, like, prep for this, 721 00:33:29,841 --> 00:33:33,378 and for some reason, all of Bob Saget's improv-- 722 00:33:33,478 --> 00:33:35,013 he would, like, do... [nasal voice] Ah. 723 00:33:35,079 --> 00:33:36,147 [normal voice] ...voices over the clips-- 724 00:33:36,214 --> 00:33:39,317 it was all just about his grandma 725 00:33:39,384 --> 00:33:42,687 to the point where I'm like, like, some kid would get, like, 726 00:33:42,754 --> 00:33:44,222 you know, pulled out of frame, 727 00:33:44,322 --> 00:33:48,760 like, "This kid got yanked harder than my grandma." Like... 728 00:33:48,860 --> 00:33:50,928 I'm worried about-- like, in a real way, 729 00:33:51,029 --> 00:33:53,197 I'm worried about his grandma. 730 00:33:53,264 --> 00:33:56,701 [laughter and applause] 731 00:33:56,768 --> 00:33:58,202 So most people heard this concept 732 00:33:58,269 --> 00:34:00,571 of "America's Funniest Home Videos," 733 00:34:00,671 --> 00:34:03,408 and they were like, "Oh, that's a fun way to pass the time 734 00:34:03,508 --> 00:34:06,110 in between Fentanyl doses." 735 00:34:06,210 --> 00:34:07,678 [laughter] 736 00:34:07,745 --> 00:34:09,547 My mom heard this, and she took it 737 00:34:09,614 --> 00:34:13,184 as a direct and personal job offer. 738 00:34:13,251 --> 00:34:16,120 "Okay, Bob Saget, I will make you this funny video 739 00:34:16,220 --> 00:34:17,789 that you require. 740 00:34:17,889 --> 00:34:19,757 You will give me your 10 grand." 741 00:34:19,857 --> 00:34:22,460 Every single weekend, we would rent a camera, 742 00:34:22,560 --> 00:34:24,929 two 6-hour tapes, and we would shoot 743 00:34:25,029 --> 00:34:27,131 fake, staged bits 744 00:34:27,231 --> 00:34:30,635 in the hopes of scamming the show out of 10 grand. 745 00:34:30,735 --> 00:34:31,969 Usually it's like a happy accident, 746 00:34:32,070 --> 00:34:34,272 like, whoa, hit in the nuts. 747 00:34:34,372 --> 00:34:36,474 But my mom was like, "No, we can engineer this. 748 00:34:36,574 --> 00:34:38,876 We're gonna do highbrow non-nut humor." 749 00:34:38,943 --> 00:34:43,481 One day, she gets an idea that's gonna win us the 10 grand. 750 00:34:43,581 --> 00:34:45,783 Here's the bit. All of us kids are gonna be in the kitchen, 751 00:34:45,883 --> 00:34:47,318 making cookies, right? 752 00:34:47,418 --> 00:34:50,321 And halfway through, 2-year-old Moses... 753 00:34:50,421 --> 00:34:53,991 Huh...is going to accidentally drop an egg 754 00:34:54,092 --> 00:34:56,627 off of the countertop--whoops-- and it's gonna land 755 00:34:56,727 --> 00:34:59,630 on my sister's head, who is sitting just below. 756 00:34:59,730 --> 00:35:02,500 Judging by this audience's response, 757 00:35:02,600 --> 00:35:04,102 it's a killer bit. 758 00:35:04,168 --> 00:35:05,903 [laughter] 759 00:35:05,970 --> 00:35:07,405 Anyone that's silent is going, 760 00:35:07,472 --> 00:35:09,107 "How come I didn't think of that? 761 00:35:09,173 --> 00:35:11,642 Egg on the head. Egg on the face." 762 00:35:11,742 --> 00:35:13,511 Two things are standing in my mom's way 763 00:35:13,611 --> 00:35:15,680 between her and the 10 grand. 764 00:35:15,780 --> 00:35:17,448 The first is that her very young children 765 00:35:17,515 --> 00:35:21,486 do not understand this bit at all. 766 00:35:21,586 --> 00:35:24,288 No concept of, like, a joke, a prank, or pretend. 767 00:35:24,355 --> 00:35:25,990 A lot of us do with number two. 768 00:35:26,090 --> 00:35:27,625 She was a very strict, religious parent 769 00:35:27,692 --> 00:35:29,360 that we were a little afraid of. 770 00:35:29,460 --> 00:35:30,795 So when she told my 2-year-old brain, 771 00:35:30,862 --> 00:35:33,965 "Hey, you're supposed to accidentally--" 772 00:35:34,031 --> 00:35:35,266 Oxymoron-- 773 00:35:35,333 --> 00:35:37,869 "...drop an egg on your sister's head," 774 00:35:37,969 --> 00:35:40,671 my brain exploded. I was like, "This is some kind of trap. 775 00:35:40,771 --> 00:35:41,973 Why is this being filmed? 776 00:35:42,039 --> 00:35:43,207 You've been telling me my entire life 777 00:35:43,307 --> 00:35:46,277 not to throw eggs around like we got egg money." 778 00:35:46,344 --> 00:35:49,547 [laughter] 779 00:35:49,647 --> 00:35:51,048 So... 780 00:35:51,149 --> 00:35:53,684 what we're about to watch right now 781 00:35:53,784 --> 00:35:56,621 is the many outtakes... 782 00:35:56,687 --> 00:36:00,958 [cheers and applause] 783 00:36:01,025 --> 00:36:03,361 ...that it took to get this very dumb video, 784 00:36:03,461 --> 00:36:06,531 and, uh, before we start it, just a heads up. 785 00:36:06,631 --> 00:36:08,566 The video has all the charm and production value 786 00:36:08,666 --> 00:36:12,036 of, like, a hostage video. 787 00:36:12,136 --> 00:36:15,239 So... 788 00:36:15,339 --> 00:36:19,410 I am here in the overalls as she explains this bit to me. 789 00:36:27,652 --> 00:36:28,553 {\an8}[beep] 790 00:36:47,271 --> 00:36:48,206 [beep] 791 00:36:48,272 --> 00:36:49,607 -Hi! -Hi! 792 00:36:49,707 --> 00:36:50,708 -Hi, Grandma and Grandpa. -We're gonna make you a video. 793 00:36:50,775 --> 00:36:52,276 -Yeah! -We're starting off 794 00:36:52,376 --> 00:36:56,247 {\an8}this morning by, um, making you some cookies. 795 00:36:56,347 --> 00:36:57,615 [beep] 796 00:36:57,715 --> 00:36:59,951 [mixer whirring] 797 00:37:00,051 --> 00:37:01,419 {\an8}No, today on the tape, we're gonna play, uh, 798 00:37:01,519 --> 00:37:03,387 {\an8}uh, we'd--we'd go outside, 799 00:37:03,454 --> 00:37:05,790 {\an8}and next we would--we-- we'd play even when-- 800 00:37:05,890 --> 00:37:07,558 {\an8}we'd--we'd play outside 801 00:37:07,625 --> 00:37:11,229 {\an8}we have a swing set out there, too. 802 00:37:11,295 --> 00:37:12,530 {\an8}Do it again. 803 00:37:17,301 --> 00:37:19,537 {\an8}Okay. 804 00:37:23,574 --> 00:37:25,142 [beep] 805 00:37:25,243 --> 00:37:27,078 -Hi, Grandma and Grandpa. -Hi, Grandma and Grandpa. 806 00:37:27,144 --> 00:37:28,646 We're making a tape today. 807 00:37:28,746 --> 00:37:31,782 {\an8}[mixer whirring] 808 00:37:35,219 --> 00:37:40,424 {\an8}[audience laughing] 809 00:37:40,491 --> 00:37:41,659 {\an8}[beep] 810 00:37:43,394 --> 00:37:44,595 [beep] 811 00:37:44,662 --> 00:37:46,897 -Hi, Grandma and Grandpa. -Hi! 812 00:37:46,964 --> 00:37:50,968 [mixer whirring, speaks indistinctly] 813 00:37:51,068 --> 00:37:52,136 Yeah. 814 00:37:52,236 --> 00:37:53,437 {\an8}[beep] 815 00:37:56,107 --> 00:37:57,275 [beep] 816 00:37:57,341 --> 00:37:59,076 At this point, my mom had come to her senses, 817 00:37:59,143 --> 00:38:00,311 like all of us in this room 818 00:38:00,411 --> 00:38:02,346 and realized what the problem was. 819 00:38:02,446 --> 00:38:04,348 The egg is too small. 820 00:38:04,448 --> 00:38:05,850 [laughter] 821 00:38:05,950 --> 00:38:08,686 Let's up the visual stakes with a large bag of flour. 822 00:38:08,786 --> 00:38:13,157 So now all they have to do is just knock over a bag of flour. 823 00:38:15,593 --> 00:38:17,028 {\an8}And we're gonna send it to you in the mail. 824 00:38:17,128 --> 00:38:20,665 {\an8}Okay, honey, do-- okay, do it again. 825 00:38:20,765 --> 00:38:21,666 [beep] 826 00:38:21,766 --> 00:38:24,468 A little beyond, but-- Oh! 827 00:38:24,535 --> 00:38:25,970 -[mixer whirring] -Ow! 828 00:38:26,037 --> 00:38:26,971 {\an8}[beep] 829 00:38:27,038 --> 00:38:27,972 {\an8}Stop, stop. 830 00:38:29,974 --> 00:38:31,375 -[beep] -Hi, Grandma and Grandpa! 831 00:38:31,475 --> 00:38:32,710 Hi, Grandma and Grandpa! 832 00:38:32,810 --> 00:38:35,813 {\an8}Now we're gonna send it to you in the mail. 833 00:38:38,516 --> 00:38:40,351 {\an8}[baby cries] 834 00:38:40,451 --> 00:38:43,954 {\an8}-Wait, stop. -Just blown the entire bit. 835 00:38:44,021 --> 00:38:47,158 {\an8}Don't say that. We're acting. 836 00:38:48,826 --> 00:38:50,027 {\an8}Oh. 837 00:38:50,127 --> 00:38:51,395 [beep] 838 00:38:51,495 --> 00:38:53,898 -Hi, Grandma and Grandpa! -Hi, Grandma and Grandpa! 839 00:38:53,998 --> 00:38:54,999 -Hi! -Hi! 840 00:38:55,066 --> 00:38:58,369 [mixer whirring, indistinct conversations] 841 00:38:58,469 --> 00:39:00,404 -[beep] -Just do it, Moses. 842 00:39:00,504 --> 00:39:04,375 -[beep] -[speaks indistinctly] 843 00:39:04,475 --> 00:39:05,810 {\an8}[beep] 844 00:39:08,145 --> 00:39:09,413 -[beep] -Hi, Grandma and Grandpa. 845 00:39:09,513 --> 00:39:11,582 So I've been recast in the video. 846 00:39:11,682 --> 00:39:16,587 -Chocolate chip. -Yeah, chocolate chips. 847 00:39:16,687 --> 00:39:18,055 David! 848 00:39:18,155 --> 00:39:19,590 {\an8}[beep] 849 00:39:19,690 --> 00:39:20,891 [beep] 850 00:39:20,991 --> 00:39:24,362 [faucet runs] 851 00:39:24,428 --> 00:39:25,830 -[beep] -Okay, let's do it. 852 00:39:25,896 --> 00:39:27,331 -[beep] -Here we go. 853 00:39:27,398 --> 00:39:30,234 Yeah, we're gonna make you a lot of cookies. 854 00:39:30,334 --> 00:39:32,937 [indistinct conversations] 855 00:39:33,037 --> 00:39:36,173 -Grandma, Grandma, Grandpa. -You can help. You can help. 856 00:39:39,443 --> 00:39:40,444 David. 857 00:39:40,544 --> 00:39:41,545 [bleep] 858 00:39:41,612 --> 00:39:44,248 -Hi, Grandma and Grandpa! -Hi! 859 00:39:44,348 --> 00:39:46,117 We made you some cookies. 860 00:39:46,217 --> 00:39:47,251 -Yeah, chocolate chip. -[beep] 861 00:39:47,351 --> 00:39:49,453 -David, just do it! -[beep] 862 00:39:49,553 --> 00:39:51,922 -Can I help? Can I help? -Yep, we can all help. 863 00:39:52,022 --> 00:39:56,694 Let me get you a cup. Damn it. Do it! 864 00:39:56,761 --> 00:39:58,062 -Not now. -[beep] 865 00:39:58,129 --> 00:39:59,130 [cheers and applause] 866 00:39:59,230 --> 00:40:00,131 Do it again? 867 00:40:00,231 --> 00:40:01,899 [all speak at once] 868 00:40:05,603 --> 00:40:09,106 -[beep] -[all shouting at once] 869 00:40:09,206 --> 00:40:13,144 -Yeah, flour. -[speaks indistinctly] 870 00:40:13,244 --> 00:40:14,412 Ohh! 871 00:40:14,478 --> 00:40:16,080 Mommy, that was fast. 872 00:40:16,147 --> 00:40:20,284 [giggling] 873 00:40:22,920 --> 00:40:25,423 [cheers and applause] 874 00:40:25,489 --> 00:40:30,127 So now the question is, did we ever win the 10 grand? 875 00:40:30,227 --> 00:40:33,497 No. But we did get featured in the cold open of season 3, 876 00:40:33,597 --> 00:40:35,766 the very beginning, and for that, 877 00:40:35,833 --> 00:40:38,235 we received a $200 appearance fee. 878 00:40:38,302 --> 00:40:40,671 So if you add up all the camera rentals, time spent, 879 00:40:40,771 --> 00:40:46,277 we made a net profit of -$652, 880 00:40:46,343 --> 00:40:50,514 and this is how the clip actually aired on the show 881 00:40:50,614 --> 00:40:52,850 with Bob Saget's narration over it. 882 00:40:52,950 --> 00:40:55,953 {\an8}Come see why we're making it. This is what we did. 883 00:40:56,020 --> 00:40:58,022 {\an8}SAGET: These kids cook just like my grandmother used to-- 884 00:40:58,122 --> 00:41:02,092 {\an8}a pinch of this, a bag of that, 885 00:41:02,159 --> 00:41:03,661 {\an8}♪♪♪ 886 00:41:03,761 --> 00:41:06,030 -Now... -[cheers and applause] 887 00:41:06,130 --> 00:41:08,032 I only showed you that again 888 00:41:08,132 --> 00:41:09,934 because that was a shit-ton of takes 889 00:41:10,000 --> 00:41:13,337 to get a very dumb bit, right? 890 00:41:13,437 --> 00:41:14,972 It gets way worse. 891 00:41:15,039 --> 00:41:16,474 I don't think you understand 892 00:41:16,540 --> 00:41:19,109 how much she believed in this idea. 893 00:41:19,176 --> 00:41:22,813 How the clip aired on the show-- she's wearing what color pants? 894 00:41:22,880 --> 00:41:25,115 -AUDIENCE MEMBER #1: White! -AUDIENCE MEMBER #2: Blue! 895 00:41:25,182 --> 00:41:28,219 She's wearing blue pants on the show, 896 00:41:28,319 --> 00:41:30,988 but in every take I had shown you before then-- 897 00:41:31,055 --> 00:41:32,389 Will you press "play"? 898 00:41:32,490 --> 00:41:34,358 Every take I showed you before then, 899 00:41:34,458 --> 00:41:35,826 she's wearing white pants, 900 00:41:35,893 --> 00:41:38,629 meaning there's an entirely different reshoot day 901 00:41:38,696 --> 00:41:41,732 I don't even have time to show you tonight. 902 00:41:41,832 --> 00:41:43,534 That's how deep this goes. 903 00:41:43,634 --> 00:41:46,570 [cheers and applause] 904 00:41:50,908 --> 00:41:54,178 It's very tacky to say how much you're being paid 905 00:41:54,245 --> 00:41:57,014 for your HBO Max special. 906 00:41:57,081 --> 00:42:00,384 What I will say is that as of tonight, 907 00:42:00,484 --> 00:42:02,820 it took about-- well, over 20 years, 908 00:42:02,887 --> 00:42:07,424 but eventually, from this bit, my mom made the 10 grand. 909 00:42:07,525 --> 00:42:10,494 [cheers and applause] 910 00:42:16,834 --> 00:42:18,869 A lot of people will watch that video 911 00:42:18,936 --> 00:42:22,706 and they'll ask me if I'm mad at my mom. 912 00:42:22,773 --> 00:42:23,941 No. 913 00:42:24,041 --> 00:42:26,777 The older I get, the more I understand 914 00:42:26,877 --> 00:42:29,547 what she was going through. 915 00:42:29,613 --> 00:42:31,916 Now that I'm old enough to have my own kids, 916 00:42:32,016 --> 00:42:35,019 and by that, I mean, pregnancy scares... 917 00:42:35,085 --> 00:42:36,887 [laughter] 918 00:42:36,954 --> 00:42:38,923 I can--I can understand what she's going through. 919 00:42:39,023 --> 00:42:41,458 Now understanding why someone does a behavior 920 00:42:41,559 --> 00:42:44,061 is also not an excuse for that behavior. 921 00:42:44,128 --> 00:42:46,864 There is--There is an ocean between apathy and empathy, 922 00:42:46,931 --> 00:42:50,234 between approval and just forgiveness. 923 00:42:50,301 --> 00:42:55,139 My mom displayed a lot of crazy behavior growing up. 924 00:42:55,239 --> 00:42:59,543 That crazy behavior was a way to combat the fear. 925 00:42:59,610 --> 00:43:01,946 Crazy beats scary. 926 00:43:02,046 --> 00:43:05,482 If your day-to-day problems are the insane decisions 927 00:43:05,583 --> 00:43:06,984 that you yourself have created, 928 00:43:07,084 --> 00:43:09,920 then you feel like you have some sort of agency over your life. 929 00:43:09,987 --> 00:43:13,924 I got myself into this. I can get myself out. 930 00:43:13,991 --> 00:43:16,760 And then you don't have to focus on the larger fear 931 00:43:16,827 --> 00:43:21,165 that you're a single parent, and you're completely alone. 932 00:43:21,265 --> 00:43:24,468 And the older you get, the idea of hustling and grinding 933 00:43:24,568 --> 00:43:28,439 starts fading into failure, and you understand 934 00:43:28,505 --> 00:43:31,675 that the idea of upward mobility in this country--it's a lie. 935 00:43:31,775 --> 00:43:33,744 It's a lie because stories like mine 936 00:43:33,811 --> 00:43:35,279 get elevated in our culture-- 937 00:43:35,346 --> 00:43:41,118 these stories of rags to riches, from the dumpster to HBO Max. 938 00:43:41,185 --> 00:43:42,586 Because these stories-- they make us feel good. 939 00:43:42,653 --> 00:43:44,154 These make us feel good. 940 00:43:44,254 --> 00:43:46,523 They allow us to continue to do nothing 941 00:43:46,624 --> 00:43:48,325 about the unfathomable amount of poverty 942 00:43:48,425 --> 00:43:51,362 that is just beyond these walls. 943 00:43:51,462 --> 00:43:54,498 And my story is not the truth. 944 00:43:54,598 --> 00:43:56,367 The truth is that most people are born poor, 945 00:43:56,467 --> 00:44:00,170 and they die even poorer. 946 00:44:00,270 --> 00:44:03,540 Sure, I worked my ass off to get here in front of you tonight. 947 00:44:03,641 --> 00:44:06,610 But I also got very lucky. 948 00:44:06,677 --> 00:44:08,512 I got lucky that people took a chance on me. 949 00:44:08,612 --> 00:44:11,715 I got lucky that you physically came out tonight, 950 00:44:11,815 --> 00:44:14,184 and I don't say this because I have any agenda 951 00:44:14,284 --> 00:44:15,486 or there's any actual steps. 952 00:44:15,552 --> 00:44:16,954 I am only saying that I got lucky, 953 00:44:17,021 --> 00:44:21,025 because that is what I needed to hear as a poor kid, 954 00:44:21,125 --> 00:44:22,793 when I was knee-deep in a dumpster 955 00:44:22,860 --> 00:44:24,995 and head high in shame-- 956 00:44:25,062 --> 00:44:26,997 "Some people get lucky." 957 00:44:27,064 --> 00:44:29,967 When I was at cheer camp, and they did a lot worse 958 00:44:30,034 --> 00:44:32,803 than just say, "Hey, you're a cheer queer"-- 959 00:44:32,870 --> 00:44:36,340 "Some people just get lucky." 960 00:44:36,407 --> 00:44:40,310 Now imagine you're a single parent, and you're not as lucky. 961 00:44:40,377 --> 00:44:41,712 You're in charge of five human beings 962 00:44:41,812 --> 00:44:45,582 that are supposed to have a better life than you. 963 00:44:45,683 --> 00:44:48,585 If that doesn't scare you, I don't know what will. 964 00:44:48,686 --> 00:44:50,087 Crazy beats scary. 965 00:44:50,187 --> 00:44:55,059 The crazy behavior was a way to combat fear. 966 00:44:55,159 --> 00:44:57,661 The first time I understood that crazy beat scary 967 00:44:57,728 --> 00:45:00,197 was on the very literal level. 968 00:45:00,264 --> 00:45:02,566 I was 18. I had my very first girlfriend, 969 00:45:02,666 --> 00:45:05,602 and Mandy was way out of my league. 970 00:45:05,703 --> 00:45:08,505 Mandy was cool. Mandy had these black bangs, 971 00:45:08,572 --> 00:45:10,240 thick black eyeliner. 972 00:45:10,340 --> 00:45:12,109 She basically looked like... 973 00:45:12,209 --> 00:45:14,778 [sighs] like if a person just walked into a Hot Topic, 974 00:45:14,878 --> 00:45:17,848 looked around once, and was like, "I'll take it." 975 00:45:17,915 --> 00:45:19,750 [laughter] 976 00:45:19,850 --> 00:45:22,352 I, on the other hand, was 18, 85 pounds. 977 00:45:22,419 --> 00:45:24,521 I looked like I walked into a Build-A-Bear 978 00:45:24,588 --> 00:45:26,690 so I could get a vest in my size. 979 00:45:26,757 --> 00:45:28,692 [laughter] 980 00:45:28,759 --> 00:45:31,295 And the type of guys that Mandy was used to dating 981 00:45:31,395 --> 00:45:34,264 were the type of guys that people would just look at 982 00:45:34,364 --> 00:45:37,434 and be like, "Oh, man, that guy looks dangerous." 983 00:45:37,534 --> 00:45:39,203 People would look at me, like, they look at, 984 00:45:39,269 --> 00:45:42,106 like, you and I, will be like, 985 00:45:42,206 --> 00:45:44,708 "Oh, man. That guy looks ticklish." 986 00:45:44,775 --> 00:45:46,810 [laughter] 987 00:45:46,910 --> 00:45:48,946 I was also a very sensitive teenager. Very sensitive. 988 00:45:49,046 --> 00:45:50,948 Mandy was the strong one. I was very sensitive. 989 00:45:51,048 --> 00:45:52,649 A couple months before I met Mandy, 990 00:45:52,750 --> 00:45:55,285 I was going through a really bad breakup. 991 00:45:55,385 --> 00:45:57,454 I was going out with this girl for six months, 992 00:45:57,554 --> 00:45:59,556 and we both got to that point in our relationship 993 00:45:59,623 --> 00:46:03,427 where we decided that she should break up with me. 994 00:46:03,494 --> 00:46:05,796 [laughter] 995 00:46:05,896 --> 00:46:07,631 Very confusing time for both of us, 996 00:46:07,731 --> 00:46:09,466 'cause she was like, "What are you talking about? 997 00:46:09,566 --> 00:46:11,435 We were never actually really together." 998 00:46:11,502 --> 00:46:14,304 -I'm like, classic us. -[laughter] 999 00:46:14,404 --> 00:46:15,839 I was very chill about the breakup. 1000 00:46:15,939 --> 00:46:19,510 I cried every single day for 33 days. 1001 00:46:19,610 --> 00:46:22,279 I know that because I wrote that in a journal, 1002 00:46:22,346 --> 00:46:24,581 and I sent it to her. 1003 00:46:24,648 --> 00:46:26,784 [laughter] 1004 00:46:26,850 --> 00:46:28,185 Emotionally abusive. 1005 00:46:28,285 --> 00:46:31,622 So I was doing a lot of crying, you know. 1006 00:46:31,688 --> 00:46:35,292 My older brother--he caught me crying in our shared room, 1007 00:46:35,359 --> 00:46:37,494 this breakup, and he goes, verbatim, he goes... 1008 00:46:37,594 --> 00:46:40,330 [scoffs] "Wow. 1009 00:46:40,430 --> 00:46:43,500 Guess you're the world's biggest little bitch." 1010 00:46:43,600 --> 00:46:45,202 I was like, "Uh, actually, that's an oxymoron. 1011 00:46:45,302 --> 00:46:47,671 How can I be the world's biggest and the world's li--" 1012 00:46:47,771 --> 00:46:49,206 Before I could finish "little," 1013 00:46:49,306 --> 00:46:51,308 he had already punched me in the neck. 1014 00:46:51,375 --> 00:46:53,477 [laughter] 1015 00:46:53,544 --> 00:46:55,512 So now anytime I wanted to cry, 1016 00:46:55,612 --> 00:47:00,684 I would now have to drive to my cry spot. 1017 00:47:00,784 --> 00:47:03,520 Uh, whoops! That is as lame as it sounds. 1018 00:47:03,620 --> 00:47:05,322 [scoffs] A designated area 1019 00:47:05,389 --> 00:47:09,493 I would physically drive my 2001 Mitsubishi Eclipse to 1020 00:47:09,560 --> 00:47:11,128 to just go and cry, 1021 00:47:11,195 --> 00:47:13,831 save up things that would happen during that week. 1022 00:47:13,897 --> 00:47:16,834 [voice breaking] Be like, not now. 1023 00:47:16,900 --> 00:47:19,069 Save it. 1024 00:47:19,169 --> 00:47:26,009 File. Save As. "Saddest Moment of My Life-Final." 1025 00:47:26,076 --> 00:47:28,145 "File already exists named 1026 00:47:28,212 --> 00:47:29,847 'Saddest Moment of My Life-Final.' 1027 00:47:29,913 --> 00:47:31,849 Do you want to replace?" 1028 00:47:31,915 --> 00:47:33,584 Yes. 1029 00:47:33,684 --> 00:47:35,519 [normal voice] And then once a week, 1030 00:47:35,586 --> 00:47:37,187 drive out to this half-abandoned cul-de-sac, 1031 00:47:37,254 --> 00:47:40,691 park my car, and unload in this tantrum cry. 1032 00:47:40,757 --> 00:47:43,861 You ever been crying so hard, you're, like, about to throw up? 1033 00:47:43,927 --> 00:47:45,529 Like, your vomit sees your tears come out. 1034 00:47:45,596 --> 00:47:47,698 It's like, "Me, too." 1035 00:47:47,764 --> 00:47:49,333 I'm that level of like... 1036 00:47:49,399 --> 00:47:52,202 [moans and gags] 1037 00:47:52,269 --> 00:47:55,873 I see a cop car speed by the main road. 1038 00:47:55,939 --> 00:47:58,609 The tires screech out, and it peals back around. 1039 00:47:58,709 --> 00:48:00,911 I'm like, "Okay, well, that's not for me." 1040 00:48:01,011 --> 00:48:06,183 I mean, shoo-bee-doo-wop, what is adversity? 1041 00:48:06,250 --> 00:48:08,385 Before I know it, that cop car 1042 00:48:08,452 --> 00:48:11,555 is now nose to nose with my car. 1043 00:48:11,622 --> 00:48:14,091 And the cop gets over the loudspeaker, 1044 00:48:14,191 --> 00:48:16,026 and he goes... [sighs] 1045 00:48:16,093 --> 00:48:20,130 "All right, let's break it up, lovebirds." 1046 00:48:20,230 --> 00:48:22,199 [gasps and laughter] 1047 00:48:22,266 --> 00:48:26,303 I look up. All of my windows are fogged up 1048 00:48:26,403 --> 00:48:28,605 from my sadness. 1049 00:48:28,705 --> 00:48:31,208 When I cry, I'm a squirter. 1050 00:48:31,275 --> 00:48:33,243 [laughter] 1051 00:48:33,310 --> 00:48:36,213 But from his perspective, it looks like 1052 00:48:36,280 --> 00:48:39,149 two human beings are in here, like à la "Titanic," 1053 00:48:39,249 --> 00:48:42,319 like doing sex on each other. 1054 00:48:42,419 --> 00:48:45,555 So now I have to step out of the car 1055 00:48:45,622 --> 00:48:49,259 and deliver the world's saddest sentence. 1056 00:48:49,326 --> 00:48:51,762 And he goes, "Break it up, lovebirds." 1057 00:48:51,828 --> 00:48:53,497 I step out of the car, still crying. 1058 00:48:53,597 --> 00:48:55,966 I'm like... [gulps] 1059 00:48:56,066 --> 00:49:00,137 [voice breaking] "No, it's just one bird in here." 1060 00:49:00,237 --> 00:49:03,507 [laughter and applause] 1061 00:49:03,607 --> 00:49:09,079 There's just...one bird... in here. 1062 00:49:09,146 --> 00:49:10,814 [laughter] 1063 00:49:10,914 --> 00:49:14,351 This very tough veteran cop, like the kind of cop 1064 00:49:14,451 --> 00:49:15,852 who has seen the worst of the worst 1065 00:49:15,953 --> 00:49:19,189 over the course of his career-- homicides, overdoses 1066 00:49:19,289 --> 00:49:21,024 and he's kind of tough where it looks like 1067 00:49:21,124 --> 00:49:23,794 not only has he never let himself have an emotion, 1068 00:49:23,860 --> 00:49:29,599 but it looks like he buys his jeans at Costco. 1069 00:49:29,666 --> 00:49:31,368 He gets one look at me crying in his light, 1070 00:49:31,468 --> 00:49:34,972 and he goes... [gasps] "Oh, God. Sorry." 1071 00:49:35,038 --> 00:49:37,474 [laughter] 1072 00:49:37,541 --> 00:49:39,509 He turns away. 1073 00:49:39,609 --> 00:49:43,680 Do you know how profoundly lame/white 1074 00:49:43,780 --> 00:49:48,285 you have to look for a cop to ignore all of his training 1075 00:49:48,352 --> 00:49:50,887 and turn his back to the perp to be like, 1076 00:49:50,988 --> 00:49:53,390 "I don't even care if you have a gun. 1077 00:49:53,490 --> 00:49:57,227 Jesus Christ. Just end it for us both"? 1078 00:49:57,327 --> 00:49:59,062 [applause] 1079 00:49:59,162 --> 00:50:00,530 Without saying another word, 1080 00:50:00,630 --> 00:50:02,866 he gets back into his car, and he speeds off, shook, 1081 00:50:02,966 --> 00:50:05,235 like, visibly shook. 1082 00:50:05,335 --> 00:50:07,070 I would like to think that later that night, 1083 00:50:07,170 --> 00:50:10,674 that cop--he's at a diner with all of his veteran cop buddies, 1084 00:50:10,741 --> 00:50:13,243 exchanging different horror stories. 1085 00:50:13,343 --> 00:50:16,680 One cop is like, "I'll never forget 2003. 1086 00:50:16,747 --> 00:50:20,417 18-car pileup, body parts everywhere." 1087 00:50:20,517 --> 00:50:22,419 And they finally get to my cop. 1088 00:50:24,021 --> 00:50:26,189 "John, you all right? 1089 00:50:26,256 --> 00:50:28,425 You haven't said a word all night." 1090 00:50:28,525 --> 00:50:31,061 And my cop is just in the corner. 1091 00:50:31,161 --> 00:50:35,399 He's in the corner trembling, smoking an unlit cigarette. 1092 00:50:35,499 --> 00:50:37,501 [laughter] 1093 00:50:37,567 --> 00:50:39,236 He looks up at them and goes, 1094 00:50:39,336 --> 00:50:42,739 "I didn't think it was possible, 1095 00:50:42,839 --> 00:50:47,778 but tonight I met the world's biggest little bitch." 1096 00:50:47,878 --> 00:50:50,247 [laughter and applause] 1097 00:50:50,347 --> 00:50:53,550 And then the last cop-- the last cop, he goes, 1098 00:50:53,617 --> 00:50:56,053 "Oh, you think that's bad? I'll never forget 1999. 1099 00:50:56,119 --> 00:50:57,220 Before I joined the force, 1100 00:50:57,287 --> 00:51:00,791 I was a security guard at a pool, 1101 00:51:00,891 --> 00:51:02,192 and a violent supervirus swept over." 1102 00:51:02,259 --> 00:51:05,228 [cheers and applause] 1103 00:51:09,232 --> 00:51:12,969 [cheers and applause continue] 1104 00:51:13,070 --> 00:51:15,272 Mandy and I did have a lot in common. 1105 00:51:15,372 --> 00:51:19,109 We both had very strict, religious parents. 1106 00:51:19,209 --> 00:51:22,279 Like, Mandy's mom is the kind of religious where as we speak, 1107 00:51:22,379 --> 00:51:26,383 her bedroom walls are covered in the most gruesome photos 1108 00:51:26,450 --> 00:51:28,485 of Jesus being crucified. 1109 00:51:28,585 --> 00:51:31,488 Just like--or--or paintings. Sorry. 1110 00:51:31,588 --> 00:51:35,492 Uh, right, not pho-- That would be insane. 1111 00:51:35,592 --> 00:51:37,427 There's like a watermark. It's like, 2008? 1112 00:51:37,494 --> 00:51:38,662 What the fuck? 1113 00:51:38,762 --> 00:51:41,064 [laughter] 1114 00:51:41,131 --> 00:51:43,266 Paintings, renderings, 1115 00:51:43,333 --> 00:51:45,402 and, like, shit that's so raw, like Mel Gibson 1116 00:51:45,469 --> 00:51:48,638 would be like, "Yikes. That looks anti-Semitic." 1117 00:51:48,738 --> 00:51:52,943 And here's what gets me. They're not even in frames. 1118 00:51:53,009 --> 00:51:55,312 These photos are just hastily pasted 1119 00:51:55,412 --> 00:51:57,347 up and down her walls, 1120 00:51:57,447 --> 00:52:01,151 almost like she's trying to solve Jesus' murder. 1121 00:52:01,251 --> 00:52:02,652 "Everyone thinks it's 1122 00:52:02,752 --> 00:52:03,854 Pontius Pilate and Judas, right? 1123 00:52:03,954 --> 00:52:05,455 Everyone thinks it's Pontius Pilate and Judas, 1124 00:52:05,522 --> 00:52:08,291 but no one--no one's talking about John the Baptist!" 1125 00:52:08,358 --> 00:52:09,960 [laughter] 1126 00:52:10,026 --> 00:52:12,129 "Why was he in Sedona? 1127 00:52:12,195 --> 00:52:14,197 Sedona, Arizona." 1128 00:52:14,297 --> 00:52:17,334 [laughter] 1129 00:52:17,434 --> 00:52:19,669 So the only place that we could ever hook up 1130 00:52:19,769 --> 00:52:22,038 was the back seat of my car. 1131 00:52:22,139 --> 00:52:24,941 Uh, I don't know if you've ever had car sex. It's not great. 1132 00:52:25,008 --> 00:52:26,643 Also, you're 18. 1133 00:52:26,710 --> 00:52:28,378 We remember that time with rose-colored glasses, 1134 00:52:28,478 --> 00:52:29,679 like...eh! 1135 00:52:29,779 --> 00:52:31,381 It's the worst sex you're having of your life. 1136 00:52:31,481 --> 00:52:33,483 [laughter] 1137 00:52:33,550 --> 00:52:35,452 This is why I've never understood 1138 00:52:35,519 --> 00:52:38,722 the male fantasy of wanting to hook up with a virgin. 1139 00:52:38,822 --> 00:52:40,690 I mean it. I don't get it. 1140 00:52:40,790 --> 00:52:44,027 Like, why is that good? There'll be those guys 1141 00:52:44,127 --> 00:52:45,662 that'll come to me, and they feel very comfortable saying, 1142 00:52:45,729 --> 00:52:48,698 "I hooked up with this chick. Virgin." 1143 00:52:48,798 --> 00:52:51,334 Gross. 1144 00:52:51,401 --> 00:52:53,336 Why is that good? 1145 00:52:53,403 --> 00:52:56,907 Sex has to be the only time where inexperience is desired. 1146 00:52:57,007 --> 00:52:59,809 I couldn't convince you guys to go to a concert tonight 1147 00:52:59,876 --> 00:53:01,344 and be like, "Oh, my God. 1148 00:53:01,411 --> 00:53:03,246 You have to go to the Hollywood Bowl. 1149 00:53:03,346 --> 00:53:07,817 There's this girl. She has... never played guitar before." 1150 00:53:07,884 --> 00:53:09,553 [laughter] 1151 00:53:09,653 --> 00:53:14,357 "She's gonna learn as she goes." Like, that sounds awful. 1152 00:53:14,424 --> 00:53:17,093 Will she at least be enjoying herself? 1153 00:53:17,194 --> 00:53:19,930 "No, she's actually gonna be in a lot of pain." 1154 00:53:20,030 --> 00:53:21,932 [laughter] 1155 00:53:22,032 --> 00:53:23,733 People actually show up to this? 1156 00:53:23,833 --> 00:53:27,270 "Actually, most guys will come early." 1157 00:53:27,370 --> 00:53:28,872 [laughter] 1158 00:53:28,939 --> 00:53:32,275 [cheers and applause] 1159 00:53:32,375 --> 00:53:33,944 I don't mean to put it on her. 1160 00:53:34,044 --> 00:53:37,914 I was the worst person that you could lose your virginity to. 1161 00:53:38,014 --> 00:53:41,785 I'd stolen my older sister's "Cosmopolitan" magazine. 1162 00:53:41,885 --> 00:53:44,254 "Seven tips to drive your partner wild." 1163 00:53:44,354 --> 00:53:46,957 Boom, these are going in the arsenal. 1164 00:53:47,057 --> 00:53:50,927 To drive your partner wild, you are su-- 1165 00:53:51,027 --> 00:53:52,262 This was what they published. To drive your partner wild, 1166 00:53:52,362 --> 00:53:56,800 you are supposed to kiss around their jawline 1167 00:53:56,900 --> 00:53:59,970 as you softly hum. 1168 00:54:00,070 --> 00:54:02,239 [laughter] 1169 00:54:02,305 --> 00:54:03,974 So... 1170 00:54:04,074 --> 00:54:07,744 [laughter continues] 1171 00:54:07,811 --> 00:54:10,480 ♪ Hmm-mm ♪ 1172 00:54:10,580 --> 00:54:12,582 [smooches] 1173 00:54:12,649 --> 00:54:14,818 ♪ Mmm-mm ♪ 1174 00:54:14,918 --> 00:54:18,788 I did this to a real human woman 1175 00:54:18,888 --> 00:54:22,325 that I had no intention of murdering. 1176 00:54:22,425 --> 00:54:24,928 [laughter] 1177 00:54:24,995 --> 00:54:26,930 And we would never park the car in places like Make-out Point 1178 00:54:26,997 --> 00:54:29,833 in the fear that our parents would catch us. Too obvious. 1179 00:54:29,933 --> 00:54:31,668 We'd always go way out to a desolate road 1180 00:54:31,768 --> 00:54:33,436 or an abandoned parking lot. 1181 00:54:33,503 --> 00:54:35,939 It's a longwinded way to basically say 1182 00:54:36,006 --> 00:54:39,075 I would take Mandy to my former cry spots. 1183 00:54:39,142 --> 00:54:40,810 [laughter] 1184 00:54:40,910 --> 00:54:42,345 Yeah. She was like, "How'd you find this place?" 1185 00:54:42,445 --> 00:54:44,247 I'd be like, "No more questions." 1186 00:54:44,314 --> 00:54:47,150 [laughter] 1187 00:54:47,250 --> 00:54:49,019 I had learned from my crying experience that 1188 00:54:49,119 --> 00:54:50,453 that these types of locations-- 1189 00:54:50,520 --> 00:54:52,289 they draw a lot of attention from the cops. 1190 00:54:52,355 --> 00:54:54,924 If they see a car parked in the middle of nowhere, 1191 00:54:54,991 --> 00:54:57,193 they're gonna investigate. They're gonna break us up. 1192 00:54:57,294 --> 00:54:58,862 So it was like, okay, I'm gonna do something so the cops 1193 00:54:58,962 --> 00:55:01,831 don't break us up. 1194 00:55:01,931 --> 00:55:03,867 I invented this very real thing 1195 00:55:03,967 --> 00:55:06,603 that Mandy affectionately named "junk blanket." 1196 00:55:06,670 --> 00:55:08,638 [sighs] Stay with me. 1197 00:55:08,705 --> 00:55:10,707 I have a replica. Let me show you. 1198 00:55:10,807 --> 00:55:13,209 So...what junk blanket was... 1199 00:55:13,310 --> 00:55:17,547 [sighs] was an unzipped sleeping bag 1200 00:55:17,647 --> 00:55:21,318 that I had personally hand-sewn, 1201 00:55:21,384 --> 00:55:24,354 mostly duct-taped a bunch of old clothes to the outside of. 1202 00:55:24,454 --> 00:55:27,223 This way, when the cops would pull up on our car 1203 00:55:27,324 --> 00:55:29,225 and shine the light through the window, 1204 00:55:29,326 --> 00:55:31,294 I could just pull the junk blanket 1205 00:55:31,361 --> 00:55:32,462 over Mandy and myself, 1206 00:55:32,529 --> 00:55:34,497 cop would look through the window 1207 00:55:34,564 --> 00:55:40,070 and think, "Oh, there's just a pile of junk back there... 1208 00:55:40,170 --> 00:55:41,805 that happens to be steaming. 1209 00:55:41,871 --> 00:55:44,908 On with my patrol." 1210 00:55:45,008 --> 00:55:49,079 So one night, Mandy and I 1211 00:55:49,179 --> 00:55:51,915 were out in our favorite desolate road. 1212 00:55:52,015 --> 00:55:55,018 There's not a car in a mile in each direction. 1213 00:55:55,085 --> 00:55:58,588 There's no streetlights, just the stars. 1214 00:55:58,688 --> 00:56:00,990 And we're in the back seat, 1215 00:56:01,057 --> 00:56:02,859 having the worst sex of our lives. 1216 00:56:02,926 --> 00:56:05,395 [laughter] 1217 00:56:05,495 --> 00:56:08,932 ♪ Mmm-mm ♪ 1218 00:56:09,032 --> 00:56:11,234 Halfway through, 1219 00:56:11,334 --> 00:56:13,269 30 seconds in... 1220 00:56:13,370 --> 00:56:15,605 [laughter] 1221 00:56:15,705 --> 00:56:18,608 [cheers and applause] 1222 00:56:18,708 --> 00:56:21,611 ...this car pulls up right behind us. 1223 00:56:21,711 --> 00:56:25,048 Just the headlights are shining through the back window. 1224 00:56:25,115 --> 00:56:27,117 I'm like, "Oh, shit. That's the cops." 1225 00:56:27,217 --> 00:56:28,952 I pulled junk blanket from the hatchback of my car 1226 00:56:29,052 --> 00:56:31,087 over Mandy and myself. 1227 00:56:31,187 --> 00:56:33,623 As the cops get out, they're talking to each other, 1228 00:56:33,723 --> 00:56:35,892 and it starts to sound a lot less like cops 1229 00:56:35,959 --> 00:56:37,594 and a lot more just like four sketchy guys 1230 00:56:37,694 --> 00:56:41,064 that mean to do us or this car some kind of harm. 1231 00:56:41,131 --> 00:56:43,767 I completely freeze in this situation. 1232 00:56:43,867 --> 00:56:45,935 This is not gonna go well for me, 1233 00:56:46,035 --> 00:56:47,537 unless there's some sort of tickle-off, 1234 00:56:47,604 --> 00:56:49,472 I'm not gonna win this fight. 1235 00:56:49,572 --> 00:56:53,877 The only saving grace is that we're safe inside the car. 1236 00:56:53,943 --> 00:56:55,311 They tried to open the driver's side door. 1237 00:56:55,412 --> 00:56:58,081 It's locked. My heart begins to race. 1238 00:56:58,148 --> 00:56:59,783 Mandy's eyes begin to well with tears, 1239 00:56:59,883 --> 00:57:02,252 makes all that black mascara run. 1240 00:57:02,318 --> 00:57:04,320 And then it's completely silent 1241 00:57:04,421 --> 00:57:09,826 except for the sound of metal scraping on concrete. 1242 00:57:09,926 --> 00:57:12,562 I peek my head over junk blanket, 1243 00:57:12,629 --> 00:57:15,265 and just over my head, boom, a metal shovel 1244 00:57:15,331 --> 00:57:17,133 comes through the driver's side window, 1245 00:57:17,233 --> 00:57:18,835 spraying glass everywhere. 1246 00:57:18,935 --> 00:57:21,838 We are no longer safe. They are inside the car. 1247 00:57:21,938 --> 00:57:24,607 And it quickly dawns on me that they have no idea 1248 00:57:24,674 --> 00:57:26,075 that we're inside the car. 1249 00:57:26,142 --> 00:57:27,644 They thought the car was abandoned. 1250 00:57:27,744 --> 00:57:30,280 They were gonna steal the radio, whatever valuables were inside. 1251 00:57:30,346 --> 00:57:33,650 Junk blanket has worked too well. 1252 00:57:33,750 --> 00:57:35,151 So now we need to do something. 1253 00:57:35,251 --> 00:57:38,188 We need to do something just to make our presence known, 1254 00:57:38,288 --> 00:57:40,123 like, hey, human beings are in here, 1255 00:57:40,190 --> 00:57:41,691 and Mandy is just looking at me like, 1256 00:57:41,791 --> 00:57:43,193 "Aren't you gonna do something?" 1257 00:57:43,293 --> 00:57:46,129 And I'm looking at Mandy. "Aren't you gonna do something?" 1258 00:57:46,196 --> 00:57:50,033 So I am trying to say to these guys, 1259 00:57:50,133 --> 00:57:51,201 "What do you want from us?!" 1260 00:57:51,301 --> 00:57:54,170 [laughter] 1261 00:57:54,270 --> 00:57:57,874 But...I am so scared, 1262 00:57:57,974 --> 00:58:00,310 the only thing that can come out of my body 1263 00:58:00,376 --> 00:58:03,046 is this mixture of, like, half breath, 1264 00:58:03,146 --> 00:58:05,348 half just a fear sound. 1265 00:58:05,448 --> 00:58:07,884 So now it's this barely audible, just... 1266 00:58:07,984 --> 00:58:10,987 [breathily] "What do you want? 1267 00:58:11,054 --> 00:58:12,489 [mumbling] What do you want from us? 1268 00:58:12,555 --> 00:58:13,990 [grunts] 1269 00:58:14,057 --> 00:58:15,492 [mumbling] What do you want from us?" 1270 00:58:15,558 --> 00:58:17,694 And it's so frustrating. It feels like a bad dream, 1271 00:58:17,794 --> 00:58:20,864 like your mouth is moving, but no sound is coming out. 1272 00:58:20,964 --> 00:58:22,699 I need to do something at this point 1273 00:58:22,799 --> 00:58:26,369 just to make some kind of sound, and I think back to cheer camp. 1274 00:58:26,469 --> 00:58:28,238 [laughter] 1275 00:58:28,338 --> 00:58:30,473 [chanting weakly] "Make noise, make noise." 1276 00:58:30,540 --> 00:58:32,909 And before I know it, I am outside the vehicle, 1277 00:58:33,009 --> 00:58:35,678 and I get to look at one of these guys in the face 1278 00:58:35,745 --> 00:58:40,884 for the first time, and they look more scared than I do. 1279 00:58:40,984 --> 00:58:42,719 I realize now what they are seeing. 1280 00:58:42,819 --> 00:58:47,857 My face is now covered in Mandy's running black mascara. 1281 00:58:47,924 --> 00:58:50,760 I am butt-naked, except for a baggy green condom, 1282 00:58:50,860 --> 00:58:54,998 clapping at these guys on a desolate road, going, 1283 00:58:55,064 --> 00:58:57,867 [muttering] "What do you want from us?! 1284 00:58:57,934 --> 00:59:00,236 What do you want from us?! What do you want from us?! 1285 00:59:00,336 --> 00:59:01,371 What do you want from us?! 1286 00:59:01,437 --> 00:59:04,107 What the fuck do you want from us?!" 1287 00:59:04,207 --> 00:59:05,575 [cheers and applause] 1288 00:59:05,675 --> 00:59:10,079 They are so freaked out. They are so freaked out. 1289 00:59:10,179 --> 00:59:12,582 They get back in their car, and they speed off, 1290 00:59:12,682 --> 00:59:15,785 because crazy beats scary! 1291 00:59:15,885 --> 00:59:19,122 [loud cheers and applause] 1292 00:59:19,222 --> 00:59:21,257 Thank you so much! 1293 00:59:21,357 --> 00:59:23,459 This is fantastic. 1294 00:59:23,560 --> 00:59:27,897 [cheers and applause continue] 1295 00:59:27,964 --> 00:59:31,601 ♪♪♪ 1296 00:59:31,701 --> 00:59:33,636 Part two. 1297 00:59:33,736 --> 00:59:36,306 The reason that we were so poor growing up 1298 00:59:36,406 --> 00:59:40,743 is my parents were members of an unsuccessful cult. 1299 00:59:40,810 --> 00:59:44,147 [laughter] 1300 00:59:44,247 --> 00:59:47,216 ♪♪♪