WEBVTT FILE 1 00:00:02.000 --> 00:00:07.000 Downloaded from YTS.MX 2 00:00:05.071 --> 00:00:08.041 ♪♪♪ 3 00:00:08.000 --> 00:00:13.000 Official YIFY movies site: YTS.MX 4 00:00:14.014 --> 00:00:16.916 [cheers and applause] 5 00:00:31.498 --> 00:00:37.437 ♪♪♪ 6 00:00:37.537 --> 00:00:41.775 [cheers and applause continue] 7 00:00:43.243 --> 00:00:46.346 Crazy will always beat scary. 8 00:00:46.413 --> 00:00:48.581 Do you know what I mean by that? 9 00:00:48.681 --> 00:00:50.784 It's not a great thesis. It's not profound, 10 00:00:50.884 --> 00:00:54.087 but legitimately, that is the closest I have come 11 00:00:54.187 --> 00:00:56.356 to forgiveness in my life. 12 00:00:56.423 --> 00:00:59.192 So for most of my life, my mom was a single parent. 13 00:00:59.259 --> 00:01:02.228 Five kids. No child support. 14 00:01:02.295 --> 00:01:03.930 We were on food stamps. 15 00:01:04.030 --> 00:01:06.599 When those ran out, we would dumpster dive for food. 16 00:01:06.699 --> 00:01:08.935 A lot of people find it hard to believe 17 00:01:09.035 --> 00:01:12.872 that I was ever that poor, 'cause look at this shit. 18 00:01:12.939 --> 00:01:13.907 [laughter] 19 00:01:13.973 --> 00:01:16.476 Like, not only do I look like, 20 00:01:16.576 --> 00:01:19.646 "Meh, everything just, like, worked out." 21 00:01:19.746 --> 00:01:22.115 I look like the kind of, like, white, wealthy-- 22 00:01:22.215 --> 00:01:25.819 I look like I was conceived in an Ivy League a capella concert. 23 00:01:25.919 --> 00:01:29.055 [laughter] 24 00:01:29.122 --> 00:01:30.457 [cheers and applause] 25 00:01:30.557 --> 00:01:33.093 You know what I mean? Where it is, like, that... 26 00:01:33.159 --> 00:01:35.962 ♪ Shimmy-doo-wop, my dad owns every university ♪ 27 00:01:36.062 --> 00:01:39.399 ♪ Shimmy-doo-wop, what is adversity? ♪ 28 00:01:39.466 --> 00:01:41.668 It's not just rich either, right? 29 00:01:41.768 --> 00:01:44.804 It is, like, evil rich, right? 30 00:01:44.904 --> 00:01:48.475 It's like a "Game of Thrones" King Joffrey type of rich. 31 00:01:48.575 --> 00:01:53.613 It looks like I found a way to monetize human suffering. 32 00:01:53.680 --> 00:01:56.783 I run a for-profit private prison, 33 00:01:56.850 --> 00:02:02.288 or even worse, I have a YouTube prank channel, 34 00:02:02.355 --> 00:02:05.024 where it's like, uh, they all look like me. 35 00:02:05.125 --> 00:02:07.193 It's a guy committing, like, a crime on camera. 36 00:02:07.293 --> 00:02:10.096 He's like, "What is the prank, bro? 37 00:02:10.163 --> 00:02:11.631 What's up? I'm Tyler, and today, 38 00:02:11.698 --> 00:02:14.534 we're about to steal this old woman's insulin." 39 00:02:14.634 --> 00:02:19.939 [laughter] 40 00:02:20.006 --> 00:02:22.208 I grew up very poor in a big family. 41 00:02:22.308 --> 00:02:24.844 One summer, my two sisters, 42 00:02:24.944 --> 00:02:26.546 they go to this cheerleading day camp 43 00:02:26.646 --> 00:02:28.815 that's discounted for low-income people, 44 00:02:28.882 --> 00:02:31.718 because the woman that runs it is very religious. 45 00:02:31.818 --> 00:02:34.053 About five minutes up the road is a boys basketball camp 46 00:02:34.154 --> 00:02:36.656 that I really wanted to go to. 47 00:02:36.723 --> 00:02:39.526 But because my mom wanted to save that little bit of money, 48 00:02:39.626 --> 00:02:41.394 little bit of drive time, she goes, 49 00:02:41.494 --> 00:02:44.697 "Oh. Why don't you just attend the cheerleading camp 50 00:02:44.797 --> 00:02:47.567 with your sisters? Basically the same thing." 51 00:02:47.667 --> 00:02:49.169 [laughter] 52 00:02:49.235 --> 00:02:54.340 Huh? No, those are two wildly different things. 53 00:02:54.407 --> 00:02:55.742 That's like if you were in a restaurant, 54 00:02:55.842 --> 00:02:57.410 and you tried to order a Coke, and the server was like, 55 00:02:57.510 --> 00:02:59.145 "Actually, we don't have Coke, 56 00:02:59.212 --> 00:03:03.716 but is it okay if I just frame you for arson? 57 00:03:03.816 --> 00:03:06.152 In my head, it's the same thing." 58 00:03:06.219 --> 00:03:08.321 8 years old, no control over my life, 59 00:03:08.388 --> 00:03:09.856 I go to this cheer camp. I was like, 60 00:03:09.923 --> 00:03:12.025 you know what I'll do? I'll just lay low all summer. 61 00:03:12.091 --> 00:03:14.494 I won't participate in any of the cheers. 62 00:03:14.561 --> 00:03:16.095 I'll be in the back. 63 00:03:16.196 --> 00:03:17.697 Right? We've seen male cheerleaders before. 64 00:03:17.764 --> 00:03:19.199 They're like the spotter. I'll do that. 65 00:03:19.265 --> 00:03:24.003 Turns out, it's pretty hard to lay low at a cheer camp 66 00:03:24.070 --> 00:03:28.007 when you are not only the only boy out of 37 girls, 67 00:03:28.074 --> 00:03:31.945 but you are also the smallest of all the girls. 68 00:03:32.045 --> 00:03:34.914 [laughter] 69 00:03:35.014 --> 00:03:36.683 Why is that important? 70 00:03:36.749 --> 00:03:38.718 Smallest girl in every cheer squad 71 00:03:38.785 --> 00:03:40.386 is what's known as the... 72 00:03:40.453 --> 00:03:42.121 AUDIENCE: Flyer! 73 00:03:42.222 --> 00:03:45.258 The flyer. So the flyer is the delicate little angel 74 00:03:45.358 --> 00:03:50.063 that's always getting tossed up in the air... 75 00:03:50.129 --> 00:03:52.799 [cheers and applause] 76 00:03:52.899 --> 00:03:54.767 ...because her delicate, like, bird bones 77 00:03:54.867 --> 00:03:57.237 are too dangerous to support anyone 78 00:03:57.303 --> 00:04:00.940 and is the safest to be thrown by minors. 79 00:04:01.040 --> 00:04:02.909 Unprofessional minors, by the way. 80 00:04:02.976 --> 00:04:05.478 This isn't like Netflix "Cheer" quality girls. 81 00:04:05.578 --> 00:04:10.483 This is day camp quality girls. You know what that means? 82 00:04:10.583 --> 00:04:13.953 Day camp? These girls don't even have the heart and commitment 83 00:04:14.053 --> 00:04:16.089 to go to a sleepaway camp. 84 00:04:16.155 --> 00:04:18.424 They're just stopping by at 2 p.m. 85 00:04:18.491 --> 00:04:20.426 to drop me on a rubber mat 86 00:04:20.493 --> 00:04:22.762 that's somehow harder than the floor? 87 00:04:22.829 --> 00:04:24.330 Do you even want this, Marisa? 88 00:04:24.430 --> 00:04:26.833 Because right now you're trying to make Nationals 89 00:04:26.933 --> 00:04:28.935 with a real Regionals attitude. 90 00:04:29.002 --> 00:04:32.639 [laughter and applause] 91 00:04:32.739 --> 00:04:35.074 So the whole time that I'm being... 92 00:04:35.141 --> 00:04:37.610 [panting and gasping] 93 00:04:37.677 --> 00:04:38.978 [grunts] 94 00:04:39.078 --> 00:04:41.347 ...reluctantly tossed in the air, 95 00:04:41.447 --> 00:04:45.652 our cheer instructor, Mrs. Schmidt, is yelling at me, 96 00:04:45.752 --> 00:04:49.122 "Smile! You're at the top of a pyramid, 97 00:04:49.188 --> 00:04:51.591 not the top of the cross!" 98 00:04:51.658 --> 00:04:54.027 [laughter] 99 00:04:54.127 --> 00:04:57.697 She's very religious. 100 00:04:57.797 --> 00:05:00.199 Every time that the girls would drop me, 101 00:05:00.300 --> 00:05:03.536 which happened... all of the time, 102 00:05:03.636 --> 00:05:06.372 Mrs. Schmidt would have all the girls crowd around me 103 00:05:06.472 --> 00:05:08.675 in a semicircle, and they would all start clapping. 104 00:05:08.775 --> 00:05:11.044 They would go... [chanting] "Make noise, make noise. 105 00:05:11.144 --> 00:05:12.879 Make nose, make noise." 106 00:05:12.979 --> 00:05:16.849 So not a hospital. 107 00:05:16.949 --> 00:05:18.217 If anything, just a way to sort of drown out 108 00:05:18.318 --> 00:05:22.355 any screams of pain in case the janitor comes by, 109 00:05:22.455 --> 00:05:25.124 like, "Nothing to see here! Business as usual!" 110 00:05:25.191 --> 00:05:30.229 Roll my body up in a rubber mat and then throw me into a swamp. 111 00:05:30.330 --> 00:05:34.400 But eventually I make it to the boys basketball camp 112 00:05:34.500 --> 00:05:36.969 because at the end of the summer, 113 00:05:37.036 --> 00:05:39.972 the big grand finale for us gals... 114 00:05:40.039 --> 00:05:42.375 [laughter] 115 00:05:42.475 --> 00:05:44.911 ...is we get to go up to the boys camp-- 116 00:05:45.011 --> 00:05:47.847 -AUDIENCE MEMBER: So sad! -...and cheer them--So sad. 117 00:05:47.914 --> 00:05:49.749 [laughter and applause] 118 00:05:49.849 --> 00:05:51.851 An adult that knew they were on camera for a taping went, 119 00:05:51.918 --> 00:05:54.721 "So sad." 120 00:05:54.821 --> 00:05:59.392 [laughter and applause] 121 00:05:59.492 --> 00:06:01.260 Thank you. 122 00:06:01.361 --> 00:06:02.995 [laughter and applause] 123 00:06:03.062 --> 00:06:06.432 Big grand finale for us gals is we get to go up to the boys camp 124 00:06:06.532 --> 00:06:10.269 and cheer them on during one of their games. 125 00:06:10.370 --> 00:06:13.773 So sad! 126 00:06:13.873 --> 00:06:20.213 [laughter and applause] 127 00:06:20.279 --> 00:06:22.548 Mrs. Schmidt comes to me, and she goes, 128 00:06:22.615 --> 00:06:25.284 "Oh, my God, so you're gonna laugh." 129 00:06:25.385 --> 00:06:27.220 I'm like, "Fuckin' try me!" 130 00:06:27.286 --> 00:06:29.622 [laughter] 131 00:06:29.722 --> 00:06:33.126 "We ordered the uniforms at the beginning of the summer 132 00:06:33.226 --> 00:06:35.395 before we knew that you were gonna join us. 133 00:06:35.461 --> 00:06:37.964 So all we have are skirts. 134 00:06:38.064 --> 00:06:40.566 Don't worry. I wouldn't do that to you. 135 00:06:40.633 --> 00:06:44.437 Why don't you just bring a pair of blue shorts from home?" 136 00:06:44.537 --> 00:06:46.406 I have an idea. 137 00:06:46.472 --> 00:06:50.376 Why don't you just kill me right where I stand? 138 00:06:50.443 --> 00:06:53.479 So I walk up to this boys basketball camp 139 00:06:53.579 --> 00:06:55.114 in blue shorts 140 00:06:55.214 --> 00:06:58.918 and a top with a neckline that could only be described 141 00:06:58.985 --> 00:07:02.922 as not unisex, 142 00:07:02.989 --> 00:07:04.590 low sweeping "V," 143 00:07:04.657 --> 00:07:07.260 and because of my delicate, little bird bone frame, 144 00:07:07.326 --> 00:07:10.830 it's--it's--it's falling off the shoulder. 145 00:07:10.930 --> 00:07:14.634 Little tease for the boys. Ahh. 146 00:07:14.734 --> 00:07:16.269 Bitch, you wanna see these chocolates? 147 00:07:16.335 --> 00:07:18.237 Mnh-mnh! 148 00:07:18.304 --> 00:07:21.107 [laughter] 149 00:07:21.174 --> 00:07:24.177 We walk up to the boys basketball camp. 150 00:07:24.277 --> 00:07:28.281 Before the boys can even take the court for their game, 151 00:07:28.347 --> 00:07:30.616 they're like, "Get up there! Show 'em what you learned." 152 00:07:30.683 --> 00:07:32.118 We start the boys off 153 00:07:32.185 --> 00:07:34.987 with probably our most masculine cheer. 154 00:07:35.087 --> 00:07:38.858 [chanting] "All right, boys, show us what you got! 155 00:07:38.958 --> 00:07:42.094 Show us what you got, boys, show us what you got!" 156 00:07:42.161 --> 00:07:45.131 [cheers and applause] 157 00:07:47.700 --> 00:07:50.803 [cheers and applause continue] 158 00:07:50.870 --> 00:07:55.274 Now I don't know if you've ever had to cheer someone on 159 00:07:55.341 --> 00:07:57.877 as they bully you. 160 00:07:57.977 --> 00:08:01.681 [laughter] 161 00:08:01.781 --> 00:08:03.549 But it's a lot like if someone shot you 162 00:08:03.649 --> 00:08:07.487 and then it was your job to reload their gun for them. 163 00:08:07.553 --> 00:08:09.822 Oh, don't worry. 164 00:08:09.889 --> 00:08:13.192 It gets way worse, section that's not that into it. 165 00:08:13.292 --> 00:08:15.228 [laughter and applause] 166 00:08:15.328 --> 00:08:18.865 Fucking halftime rolls around. 167 00:08:18.965 --> 00:08:20.833 Now we have a cheer with participation built in. 168 00:08:20.900 --> 00:08:23.169 We have the cheer, goes like this. 169 00:08:23.236 --> 00:08:24.670 [chanting] "We got spirit! Yes, we do! 170 00:08:24.737 --> 00:08:27.073 We got spirit! How 'bout you?" 171 00:08:27.173 --> 00:08:29.509 And the boys are supposed to go, "Yeah!" 172 00:08:29.575 --> 00:08:31.310 And we go, "I can't hear you!" 173 00:08:31.377 --> 00:08:33.479 And they go, "Yeah!" even louder. 174 00:08:33.546 --> 00:08:36.716 So as the flyer, I have to step right out in front. 175 00:08:36.816 --> 00:08:38.084 [chanting] "We got spirit! Yes, we do! 176 00:08:38.184 --> 00:08:40.920 We got spirit! How 'bout you?" 177 00:08:41.020 --> 00:08:44.223 The boys take this opportunity to yell, 178 00:08:44.323 --> 00:08:48.594 "You're a cheer queer!" 179 00:08:48.694 --> 00:08:54.033 And then I have to chime back in with, "I can't hear you!" 180 00:08:54.100 --> 00:08:58.004 [laughter and applause] 181 00:09:02.675 --> 00:09:03.876 [grunts] 182 00:09:03.943 --> 00:09:08.514 "Smile! Not the cross!" 183 00:09:08.581 --> 00:09:11.551 [cheers and applause] 184 00:09:16.455 --> 00:09:18.391 I didn't know how to stand up for myself. 185 00:09:18.457 --> 00:09:21.127 I was afraid. I was. I was afraid. 186 00:09:21.227 --> 00:09:23.296 I didn't know how to stand up for myself at cheer camp. 187 00:09:23.396 --> 00:09:27.366 A lot of fear comes from being poor. 188 00:09:27.433 --> 00:09:31.604 If I was doing a modern-day comedy special-- 189 00:09:31.704 --> 00:09:33.406 you know those ones where it's like-- 190 00:09:33.472 --> 00:09:36.108 it's like more like a Ted Talk than... 191 00:09:36.208 --> 00:09:37.944 Your friend asks you, like, 192 00:09:38.044 --> 00:09:40.880 "Hey, how was that comedy special? Was it funny?" 193 00:09:40.947 --> 00:09:43.616 And you're like, "It was...important." 194 00:09:43.716 --> 00:09:46.652 [laughter and applause] 195 00:09:48.588 --> 00:09:52.158 If I was doing one of those, I would make the argument 196 00:09:52.258 --> 00:09:55.161 that poverty is a disease on the very macro level. 197 00:09:55.261 --> 00:09:57.296 'Cause I do believe that poverty is a disease, 198 00:09:57.396 --> 00:09:59.465 and its most sinister symptom is fear. 199 00:09:59.565 --> 00:10:03.302 It's something that I carry with me to this day. 200 00:10:03.402 --> 00:10:04.770 If I was doing a modern-day comedy special, 201 00:10:04.837 --> 00:10:07.773 I'd make the argument that yes, poverty is a disease. 202 00:10:07.840 --> 00:10:10.643 It's passed down generationally just like a disease. 203 00:10:10.743 --> 00:10:12.311 There's a lower life expectancy 204 00:10:12.411 --> 00:10:14.180 for people born below the poverty line. 205 00:10:14.280 --> 00:10:18.117 It's no revelation that poverty is a major stressor, 206 00:10:18.184 --> 00:10:19.852 and we know that chronic stress causes damage 207 00:10:19.952 --> 00:10:22.822 to the cerebral cortex, the part of your brain 208 00:10:22.922 --> 00:10:25.958 that's in charge of risk/reward, long-term planning. 209 00:10:26.025 --> 00:10:28.194 Basically all the tools that would get you out of poverty 210 00:10:28.294 --> 00:10:31.697 get damaged by being poor. 211 00:10:31.797 --> 00:10:34.133 Trying to dig yourself out of poverty in this country, 212 00:10:34.200 --> 00:10:38.537 it's like trying to fix a scratch on your car 213 00:10:38.638 --> 00:10:42.475 by repainting it with a rake. 214 00:10:42.541 --> 00:10:44.477 You'll be like... [makes squeaking sound] 215 00:10:44.543 --> 00:10:47.446 That's--That's the modern-day comedy special. 216 00:10:47.513 --> 00:10:50.049 I do not want to do that. 217 00:10:50.149 --> 00:10:52.284 I have nothing of educational value 218 00:10:52.351 --> 00:10:54.153 to add to your night. 219 00:10:54.220 --> 00:10:57.957 You won't learn anything. I have legitimately no agenda. 220 00:10:58.024 --> 00:11:02.862 I just want to tell you what it feels like to be poor, 221 00:11:02.962 --> 00:11:05.297 and what it feels like is fear. 222 00:11:05.364 --> 00:11:08.300 How do you create fear in someone? 223 00:11:08.367 --> 00:11:11.704 Well, a good way to start is, uh, take away their stability. 224 00:11:11.804 --> 00:11:15.708 For most of my life, we lived in a bus. 225 00:11:15.808 --> 00:11:17.977 My parents moved us into a bus because I think they were 226 00:11:18.044 --> 00:11:21.580 trying to speed up their divorce. 227 00:11:21.681 --> 00:11:23.582 If you're ever, like, with your spouse, 228 00:11:23.683 --> 00:11:25.918 and you're like, "This is taking too long," 229 00:11:26.018 --> 00:11:29.255 uh, move into a vehicle. 230 00:11:29.355 --> 00:11:31.724 'Cause every time I tell people 231 00:11:31.824 --> 00:11:34.727 that we lived in a converted bus growing up, 232 00:11:34.827 --> 00:11:35.895 especially in L.A., people are like, 233 00:11:35.995 --> 00:11:39.365 "Oh, my God. Cute. 234 00:11:39.432 --> 00:11:41.267 I love that for you." 235 00:11:41.367 --> 00:11:43.569 Because I think you are picturing 236 00:11:43.669 --> 00:11:46.939 the HGTV version of a bus, 237 00:11:47.039 --> 00:11:50.342 where it's like, uh, it's like a young couple from Portland. 238 00:11:50.409 --> 00:11:53.045 Something's a little off in their relationship, 239 00:11:53.112 --> 00:11:55.214 and they're always like, "Hi. I'm Tracy, 240 00:11:55.281 --> 00:11:59.351 and my husband, also named Tracy... 241 00:11:59.418 --> 00:12:02.388 We fixed up this old bus because we stopped having sex, 242 00:12:02.455 --> 00:12:04.957 and large construction projects are the only way 243 00:12:05.057 --> 00:12:07.526 that I know how to make the time move." 244 00:12:07.593 --> 00:12:09.261 [laughter] 245 00:12:09.361 --> 00:12:12.298 Those are great. Those buses are great. 246 00:12:12.398 --> 00:12:14.233 They're built with time, money, 247 00:12:14.300 --> 00:12:17.636 and sexual frustration that crushes it into a diamond. 248 00:12:17.737 --> 00:12:22.308 The bus that my parents built with no skill, no money, 249 00:12:22.408 --> 00:12:25.644 I would love to see an HGTV show Realtor 250 00:12:25.745 --> 00:12:27.947 try to sell it. 251 00:12:28.047 --> 00:12:29.582 You know those ones that have the kind of plastic surgery 252 00:12:29.648 --> 00:12:33.119 where it looks like the wind hurts? 253 00:12:33.219 --> 00:12:34.754 "All right, Greg, Donovan, 254 00:12:34.820 --> 00:12:37.256 I know you were looking for a 2-bedroom, 2-bath. 255 00:12:37.323 --> 00:12:40.960 Instead, I wanna show you this no-bedroom, no-bath, 256 00:12:41.060 --> 00:12:44.497 hot diesel tube that has more miles on it 257 00:12:44.597 --> 00:12:47.767 than we are currently to the sun. 258 00:12:47.833 --> 00:12:50.636 Immediately, you're gonna notice this diesel smell. 259 00:12:50.736 --> 00:12:53.105 Uh, I don't know how carbon monoxide leaks work. 260 00:12:53.172 --> 00:12:54.507 I just know that sometimes you'll be driving, 261 00:12:54.607 --> 00:12:56.275 all the air will get wavy, 262 00:12:56.342 --> 00:12:58.410 and you'll wake up in a new state. 263 00:12:58.477 --> 00:13:01.981 Uh, mountains now." 264 00:13:02.081 --> 00:13:04.817 This is true. So now I have all this anxiety as an adult, 265 00:13:04.917 --> 00:13:09.455 all this fear around waking up and not knowing where I am. 266 00:13:09.522 --> 00:13:12.591 [sighs] And I travel a lot for this job. 267 00:13:12.658 --> 00:13:14.760 So what I will do is I will say out loud to myself 268 00:13:14.827 --> 00:13:17.363 whatever city and state I'm in before I fall asleep. 269 00:13:17.463 --> 00:13:19.698 So a couple days ago, I was in Chicago, 270 00:13:19.799 --> 00:13:22.935 and I was like, "I'm in Chicago. I'm in Chicago, Illinois." Okay? 271 00:13:23.002 --> 00:13:24.703 Tonight I will say to myself, "I'm in Los Angeles. 272 00:13:24.804 --> 00:13:28.174 I'm in Los Angeles, California." Fine. 273 00:13:28.274 --> 00:13:33.145 Sometimes I will forget that someone is in the bed with me. 274 00:13:33.212 --> 00:13:38.117 I was in Arizona, and I met this young woman after a show, 275 00:13:38.184 --> 00:13:41.720 and we had all of the drinks. 276 00:13:41.821 --> 00:13:44.390 Alcohol, uh, juice that makes you rude. 277 00:13:44.490 --> 00:13:48.561 And I forgot that she was in the bed next to me. 278 00:13:48.661 --> 00:13:53.465 So I just say out loud, "Sedona. I'm in Sedona, Arizona." 279 00:13:53.532 --> 00:13:57.036 [laughter] 280 00:13:57.136 --> 00:13:59.205 Very comforting for me. 281 00:13:59.305 --> 00:14:03.542 For her, it's the first act of the horror movie. 282 00:14:03.642 --> 00:14:09.048 I'm on my healing journey. She is on "The First 48." 283 00:14:09.148 --> 00:14:11.050 Why does it matter if there's fear in poor people? 284 00:14:11.150 --> 00:14:14.186 Well, the second you start making decisions out of fear, 285 00:14:14.253 --> 00:14:15.821 those are stupid decisions, right? 286 00:14:15.888 --> 00:14:17.556 You get backed into a corner, 287 00:14:17.656 --> 00:14:19.258 and a lot of times, as a poor person, 288 00:14:19.358 --> 00:14:20.826 you have to make those decisions, 289 00:14:20.893 --> 00:14:23.863 and we've somehow muddled that in our culture to think that, 290 00:14:23.929 --> 00:14:27.867 "Oh, poor people are stupid" because of these decisions. 291 00:14:27.933 --> 00:14:29.702 I just recently found out 292 00:14:29.768 --> 00:14:32.938 that I'm--am severely dyslexic and dysgraphic. 293 00:14:33.038 --> 00:14:36.775 Uh, it's a very fancy way to say "illiterate." 294 00:14:36.876 --> 00:14:40.613 If you're rich in this country, and you not know read good, 295 00:14:40.713 --> 00:14:43.382 then automatically we're like, 296 00:14:43.449 --> 00:14:45.684 "Okay, you probably have a learning disability. 297 00:14:45.751 --> 00:14:47.720 Let's look into it. We'll get you into a program. 298 00:14:47.786 --> 00:14:50.055 We'll get you some Adderall," and the parents are like, 299 00:14:50.122 --> 00:14:51.891 "Whoa, Adderall sounds super dangerous. 300 00:14:51.957 --> 00:14:53.893 Isn't that just like cocaine?" 301 00:14:53.959 --> 00:14:56.061 And the government's like, "No. Cocaine is bad. 302 00:14:56.128 --> 00:14:59.865 Adderall is...blue." 303 00:14:59.932 --> 00:15:01.901 [laughter] 304 00:15:01.967 --> 00:15:05.404 [applause] 305 00:15:05.471 --> 00:15:07.539 And then parents are like, "Uh...that sounds good." 306 00:15:07.606 --> 00:15:11.410 I guess give it to every child that even breaks eye contact. 307 00:15:11.477 --> 00:15:13.145 [laughter] 308 00:15:13.245 --> 00:15:15.814 If you're poor and you not know read good, 309 00:15:15.915 --> 00:15:19.919 then we're just like, "Oh, yeah, business as usual." 310 00:15:19.985 --> 00:15:23.122 People presume that poor people are stupid so often 311 00:15:23.222 --> 00:15:25.591 that when a poor person is not stupid, 312 00:15:25.658 --> 00:15:30.162 holy shit, well, then it's like a whole goddamn movie. 313 00:15:30.262 --> 00:15:33.766 It's like a whole "Good Will Hunting" movie 314 00:15:33.832 --> 00:15:35.768 where the entire premise is just, 315 00:15:35.834 --> 00:15:39.338 "Ah! Forget aliens in space. Can you imagine a world 316 00:15:39.438 --> 00:15:42.741 where this piece of shit that mops the floors 317 00:15:42.808 --> 00:15:45.110 understood math? 318 00:15:45.177 --> 00:15:48.681 Give it every Oscar." 319 00:15:48.781 --> 00:15:52.451 [cheers and applause] 320 00:15:52.518 --> 00:15:54.853 I only... 321 00:15:54.954 --> 00:15:57.323 I only recently found out that I'm dyslexic. 322 00:15:57.423 --> 00:15:58.857 If you're not familiar with dyslexia, 323 00:15:58.958 --> 00:16:00.993 if you haven't, like, read up on it, don't worry. 324 00:16:01.093 --> 00:16:02.861 Neither have we. 325 00:16:02.962 --> 00:16:07.199 All dyslexia really means is that zero percent of the time 326 00:16:07.299 --> 00:16:11.003 is the book better than the movie for me. 327 00:16:11.103 --> 00:16:14.707 I-I have never had a movie ruin a book. 328 00:16:14.807 --> 00:16:18.444 I have had plenty of very confusing books cleared up 329 00:16:18.510 --> 00:16:21.013 thanks to dogshit movies. 330 00:16:21.113 --> 00:16:23.349 Thank you, "Percy Jackson." 331 00:16:23.449 --> 00:16:25.818 Thank you, third "Harry Potter" movie. 332 00:16:25.884 --> 00:16:28.854 [cheers and applause] 333 00:16:31.890 --> 00:16:33.158 Not only... 334 00:16:33.225 --> 00:16:35.728 Not only did people think I was stupid growing up, 335 00:16:35.828 --> 00:16:37.997 but, uh, adults like yourself all the time 336 00:16:38.063 --> 00:16:41.367 would come up to me and ask if I was, in fact, 337 00:16:41.467 --> 00:16:43.902 a little lady person. 338 00:16:44.003 --> 00:16:45.404 I was a very late bloomer. 339 00:16:45.504 --> 00:16:47.306 I didn't really hit puberty until... 340 00:16:47.373 --> 00:16:49.475 hopefully next year. 341 00:16:49.541 --> 00:16:50.909 [laughter] 342 00:16:51.010 --> 00:16:54.313 I was very free with my wrists as a kid, 343 00:16:54.380 --> 00:16:57.583 just like two wet American flags in the sun, 344 00:16:57.683 --> 00:16:59.685 and I walked on my toes. 345 00:16:59.752 --> 00:17:01.253 I walked on my toes for some reason. 346 00:17:01.353 --> 00:17:02.988 So in combination, I-I... 347 00:17:03.055 --> 00:17:05.591 I walk like how bells sound. 348 00:17:05.691 --> 00:17:07.059 [laughter] 349 00:17:07.159 --> 00:17:08.560 [tune of "Carol of the Bells"] ♪ Bing-ba-da-bing ♪ 350 00:17:08.660 --> 00:17:10.262 ♪ Bing-ba-da-bing, bing-ba-da-bing ♪ 351 00:17:10.362 --> 00:17:11.764 And to make matters even worse, 352 00:17:11.864 --> 00:17:15.868 I had this shoulder length long, blond hair. 353 00:17:15.934 --> 00:17:17.369 My mom did not know how to cut hair. 354 00:17:17.436 --> 00:17:20.205 She was too cheap to pay someone to cut it. 355 00:17:20.272 --> 00:17:21.940 So she's like, "You know what? I'll just make it 356 00:17:22.040 --> 00:17:23.709 exactly like my hair but a little bit shorter, 357 00:17:23.776 --> 00:17:26.879 and then that'll be for boys," and it's not. 358 00:17:26.945 --> 00:17:30.115 It is the Lizzie McGuire. 359 00:17:30.215 --> 00:17:33.519 In fact, it's this right here. 360 00:17:33.585 --> 00:17:35.421 -[audience gasps] -Oh, God! 361 00:17:35.521 --> 00:17:37.122 Oh, God! 362 00:17:37.222 --> 00:17:39.458 [cheers and applause] 363 00:17:39.558 --> 00:17:42.194 Notice the low swooping necklace 364 00:17:42.261 --> 00:17:45.397 to accommodate for the puka shell necklace. 365 00:17:45.464 --> 00:17:46.932 Remember when you wanted 366 00:17:47.032 --> 00:17:48.634 a meth head's teeth around your neck? 367 00:17:48.734 --> 00:17:52.304 "Now...why is it this glowing, platinum blond? 368 00:17:52.404 --> 00:17:54.406 You're not blond now." 369 00:17:54.473 --> 00:17:56.108 Well, this is true. 370 00:17:56.208 --> 00:17:58.277 My mom dyed all five of her kids blond 371 00:17:58.377 --> 00:18:02.147 because she didn't want anyone knowing 372 00:18:02.247 --> 00:18:05.484 that she herself was not a natural blonde. 373 00:18:05.584 --> 00:18:07.419 [laughter] 374 00:18:07.486 --> 00:18:09.755 [applause] 375 00:18:09.822 --> 00:18:12.458 Holy shit. Show's over. 376 00:18:12.558 --> 00:18:14.259 Even a serial killer on the run from the law 377 00:18:14.326 --> 00:18:18.230 would be like, "That's too much. I'll do the time." 378 00:18:18.297 --> 00:18:20.999 Oh. I was talking to my mom about this, 379 00:18:21.100 --> 00:18:24.236 just setting up the special, fact-checking everything, 380 00:18:24.303 --> 00:18:26.438 and she goes, "Well, I didn't just dye your guys' hair blond 381 00:18:26.505 --> 00:18:28.607 for--for--for my sake. 382 00:18:28.674 --> 00:18:31.810 I also dyed it blond because we were about to be evicted 383 00:18:31.910 --> 00:18:34.113 from a 1-bedroom apartment, and I wanted to make 384 00:18:34.179 --> 00:18:37.683 all you five kids look like one kid." 385 00:18:37.783 --> 00:18:38.984 [laughter] 386 00:18:39.084 --> 00:18:42.521 [scoffs] That's worse! That's way worse! 387 00:18:42.621 --> 00:18:43.755 [scoffs] 388 00:18:43.822 --> 00:18:47.693 Never, never defend yourself in court. 389 00:18:47.793 --> 00:18:49.995 "Your Honor, how could I have committed that hit-and-run 390 00:18:50.095 --> 00:18:53.432 when I was across town committing a murder?" 391 00:18:53.499 --> 00:18:56.468 [laughter] 392 00:18:58.470 --> 00:19:01.707 I look so much like a little lady person. 393 00:19:01.807 --> 00:19:04.676 I was once kicked out of a men's restroom. 394 00:19:04.776 --> 00:19:06.879 At 13, I was at an Outback Steakhouse 395 00:19:06.979 --> 00:19:09.648 with my mom, not to eat but to steal toilet paper. 396 00:19:09.715 --> 00:19:11.550 [laughter] 397 00:19:11.650 --> 00:19:13.986 I was always too afraid to steal 398 00:19:14.052 --> 00:19:15.120 because I saw my mom constantly get caught. 399 00:19:15.187 --> 00:19:17.122 She was a terrible shoplifter. 400 00:19:17.189 --> 00:19:19.057 And one time she tried to steal bottles of vitamins 401 00:19:19.158 --> 00:19:20.893 from a grocery store. 402 00:19:20.993 --> 00:19:22.961 I don't know if you've ever tried to steal 403 00:19:23.028 --> 00:19:24.296 bottles of vitamins before, 404 00:19:24.363 --> 00:19:27.799 but it's a lot like trying to steal maracas. 405 00:19:27.866 --> 00:19:29.635 [laughter] 406 00:19:29.701 --> 00:19:33.338 Chh-chh! Chh-chh-chh. 407 00:19:33.405 --> 00:19:35.307 Chh-chh! 408 00:19:35.374 --> 00:19:37.142 And then she would be surprised when she got caught. 409 00:19:37.209 --> 00:19:39.077 "How did they know?" 410 00:19:39.178 --> 00:19:40.979 I'm gonna guess they were tipped off by the quinceañera 411 00:19:41.046 --> 00:19:44.049 you have going on in your purse. 412 00:19:44.149 --> 00:19:48.387 [cheers and applause] 413 00:19:48.487 --> 00:19:51.924 I was kicked out of a men's restroom at 13, 414 00:19:52.024 --> 00:19:53.692 Outback Steakhouse with my mom. 415 00:19:53.759 --> 00:19:55.761 One of the customers comes in right after me, 416 00:19:55.861 --> 00:19:58.363 and he goes, "Whoa! What are you doing? 417 00:19:58.430 --> 00:20:02.067 The women's restroom is the next door over, sweetie." 418 00:20:02.167 --> 00:20:03.835 Okay. 419 00:20:03.902 --> 00:20:05.771 We've all established what I looked like. 420 00:20:05.871 --> 00:20:11.543 But also, at this point, I was already standing at the urinal. 421 00:20:11.610 --> 00:20:14.446 [laughter] 422 00:20:14.546 --> 00:20:16.448 Well, what did he think I was doing? 423 00:20:16.548 --> 00:20:19.117 [laughter] 424 00:20:19.218 --> 00:20:21.353 [grunting] 425 00:20:21.420 --> 00:20:24.756 Try to...cup it and splash it in? 426 00:20:24.856 --> 00:20:28.727 And if I do get it in there, why don't you let a girl dream? 427 00:20:28.794 --> 00:20:31.630 I'm over here, trying to shatter the porcelain ceiling. 428 00:20:31.730 --> 00:20:34.633 [laughter] 429 00:20:34.733 --> 00:20:37.436 I definitely know I was supposed to be a rich piece of shit 430 00:20:37.536 --> 00:20:39.805 because the thing that bothered me the most 431 00:20:39.905 --> 00:20:42.074 was the terms for poor people. 432 00:20:42.140 --> 00:20:43.609 So if you're on food stamps like we were, 433 00:20:43.709 --> 00:20:47.980 you were called a "food-insecure household." 434 00:20:48.080 --> 00:20:50.115 I never liked that, 'cause "food-insecure"-- 435 00:20:50.215 --> 00:20:53.652 it... [sighs] it's too emotional of a word. 436 00:20:53.752 --> 00:20:55.454 It just makes, like, a pretty serious issue 437 00:20:55.554 --> 00:20:59.157 just sound adorable, like it's in our heads, 438 00:20:59.258 --> 00:21:00.759 like the government's like, 439 00:21:00.826 --> 00:21:04.663 "Oh, come on! Show us your food. Show us." 440 00:21:04.763 --> 00:21:07.332 And I'm like... 441 00:21:07.432 --> 00:21:10.669 [laughter] 442 00:21:10.769 --> 00:21:13.305 Mnh-mnh. 443 00:21:13.405 --> 00:21:15.340 "Come on, show-- go and show us that..." 444 00:21:15.440 --> 00:21:17.843 Look, I need carbs, not confidence. 445 00:21:17.943 --> 00:21:19.011 But it makes us feel better if we can make 446 00:21:19.111 --> 00:21:20.912 a systemic issue sound psychological, 447 00:21:20.979 --> 00:21:22.281 then it's like, "I don't have to deal with it. 448 00:21:22.347 --> 00:21:23.849 They can just pull themselves up." 449 00:21:23.949 --> 00:21:25.417 If you're on food stamps, 450 00:21:25.484 --> 00:21:27.019 they don't call it "food stamps" anymore. 451 00:21:27.119 --> 00:21:28.754 Now it's called SNAP-- 452 00:21:28.820 --> 00:21:31.290 Supplemental Nutritional Assistance Program. 453 00:21:31.356 --> 00:21:32.624 "SNAP" just sounds like 454 00:21:32.691 --> 00:21:34.626 an off-off-off Broadway production 455 00:21:34.693 --> 00:21:37.796 of "STOMP," the musical. 456 00:21:37.863 --> 00:21:39.631 "Can't afford brooms. Don't wanna get sued. 457 00:21:39.698 --> 00:21:42.267 So just snap." 458 00:21:42.334 --> 00:21:43.802 A woman came up to me after a show 459 00:21:43.869 --> 00:21:48.874 who essentially looked like if an NPR tote bag was a person. 460 00:21:48.974 --> 00:21:51.543 And she was like, "Okay, so-- 461 00:21:51.643 --> 00:21:53.178 so you were homeless growing up, 462 00:21:53.278 --> 00:21:55.213 but you shouldn't say that you were homeless. 463 00:21:55.314 --> 00:21:56.715 It's, like, derogatory. 464 00:21:56.815 --> 00:21:59.451 You should say that you were 'unhoused.'" 465 00:21:59.518 --> 00:22:02.321 And I'm like, "Oh, yeah, sorry I bummed you out 466 00:22:02.387 --> 00:22:05.490 with my own personal experience." 467 00:22:05.557 --> 00:22:09.027 [laughter and applause] 468 00:22:09.127 --> 00:22:10.896 I think it's just like it's these half-measures that we do 469 00:22:10.996 --> 00:22:12.564 to make ourselves feel better. 470 00:22:12.664 --> 00:22:14.733 "Unhoused" doesn't even make sense. 471 00:22:14.833 --> 00:22:16.535 I get that it's the polite thing to say, 472 00:22:16.635 --> 00:22:18.337 but it doesn't make sense. "Homeless" makes sense. 473 00:22:18.403 --> 00:22:21.006 We had a home, and then we had less. 474 00:22:21.073 --> 00:22:25.744 "Unhoused"--that sounds like another HGTV show. 475 00:22:25.844 --> 00:22:28.547 "Tracy and Tracy realized that the bus wasn't their problem. 476 00:22:28.647 --> 00:22:31.316 The problem was Tracy." 477 00:22:31.383 --> 00:22:33.485 "I've tasted a gun before. I didn't pull the trigger, 478 00:22:33.552 --> 00:22:35.854 but it hit one of my fillings, and I liked it." 479 00:22:35.921 --> 00:22:37.389 [laughter] 480 00:22:37.489 --> 00:22:40.425 "So now they're trying to get unhoused." 481 00:22:40.525 --> 00:22:43.695 [laughter] 482 00:22:43.762 --> 00:22:46.064 You can't buy everything you want on food stamps, right? 483 00:22:46.164 --> 00:22:47.532 And even when we would buy things 484 00:22:47.599 --> 00:22:49.534 that are not, like, food stamp-approved, 485 00:22:49.601 --> 00:22:53.372 we would still get the shitty poor person version of it. 486 00:22:53.438 --> 00:22:55.674 Anytime we wanted ice cream, my mom would buy us 487 00:22:55.741 --> 00:23:01.079 that giant, clear value bucket of ice cream. 488 00:23:01.179 --> 00:23:03.248 Did you ever get those? You know what I mean? 489 00:23:03.348 --> 00:23:05.117 -[cheers and applause] -Where, like, you read it, 490 00:23:05.217 --> 00:23:08.920 it's like too cheap to even be a real flavor? 491 00:23:09.020 --> 00:23:10.288 You read it, it's like, 492 00:23:10.389 --> 00:23:13.959 "We got white, and we got darker white!" 493 00:23:14.059 --> 00:23:16.762 What's darker white? Is that supposed to be vanilla bean? 494 00:23:16.862 --> 00:23:20.432 Why are there pinto beans in there? 495 00:23:20.532 --> 00:23:23.902 And this is true. My mom only bought us that ice cream bucket 496 00:23:23.969 --> 00:23:27.706 because she wanted the actual bucket. 497 00:23:27.773 --> 00:23:30.542 At Walmart, a mopping bucket costs $6.99. 498 00:23:30.609 --> 00:23:35.080 Value bucket filled with ice cream--$4.99. 499 00:23:35.147 --> 00:23:38.717 It was cheaper than an empty bucket. 500 00:23:38.784 --> 00:23:40.752 [laughter] 501 00:23:40.819 --> 00:23:45.290 Do you know how shitty your ice cream has to be 502 00:23:45.390 --> 00:23:47.959 to actually depreciate the value of an empty bucket? 503 00:23:48.059 --> 00:23:50.162 You'll be all, "I don't want that bucket 504 00:23:50.262 --> 00:23:51.897 if that ice cream's even touched it. 505 00:23:51.963 --> 00:23:54.332 It might ruin my dirty mop water." 506 00:23:54.433 --> 00:23:57.402 [laughter] 507 00:23:57.469 --> 00:24:00.305 Now the truth about food stamps is it's a broken system. 508 00:24:00.405 --> 00:24:02.007 You pay too much for it as a taxpayer. 509 00:24:02.107 --> 00:24:04.476 Also, for the families that are on it, it's not enough. 510 00:24:04.576 --> 00:24:06.077 You always run out of food stamps. 511 00:24:06.144 --> 00:24:07.679 So what most families do is they, one, 512 00:24:07.779 --> 00:24:09.314 just won't eat when they run out, 513 00:24:09.414 --> 00:24:13.084 or they'll go to a food bank and get the dented cans. 514 00:24:13.151 --> 00:24:16.154 [sighs] It is... I'll get off it, 515 00:24:16.254 --> 00:24:17.856 but it did seem suspicious 516 00:24:17.956 --> 00:24:20.125 that all of the cans were dented. 517 00:24:20.192 --> 00:24:21.760 All of them? 518 00:24:21.827 --> 00:24:24.529 It's like, are they doing that? Or how are you guys shopping? 519 00:24:24.629 --> 00:24:27.199 You're like, "What is this? Low-sodium corn?" 520 00:24:27.299 --> 00:24:29.835 "Get out of here!" 521 00:24:29.935 --> 00:24:34.139 [laughter and applause] 522 00:24:34.206 --> 00:24:35.540 If you don't wanna do that, 523 00:24:35.640 --> 00:24:37.542 you don't want the pandering programs, 524 00:24:37.642 --> 00:24:39.010 you can take a little agency over your life. 525 00:24:39.110 --> 00:24:40.979 Yeah, it's humiliating, 526 00:24:41.046 --> 00:24:43.849 but you can dumpster dive for food. 527 00:24:43.949 --> 00:24:45.817 Whatever the grocery store throws out that's expired 528 00:24:45.884 --> 00:24:47.786 or is about to expire, 529 00:24:47.853 --> 00:24:50.889 we would take that and... [sighs] 530 00:24:50.989 --> 00:24:53.558 I just hated my job dumpster diving. 531 00:24:53.658 --> 00:24:56.127 I-I had to be the lookout. 532 00:24:56.194 --> 00:24:57.395 I was the smallest, so I couldn't be 533 00:24:57.496 --> 00:25:00.298 in the cool-ass dumpster with my siblings. 534 00:25:00.365 --> 00:25:01.900 I had to be the lookout. 535 00:25:02.000 --> 00:25:04.035 Like, that's the worst job in a heist movie. 536 00:25:04.135 --> 00:25:05.704 I'm not even the lookout for something cool 537 00:25:05.804 --> 00:25:08.707 like cash or diamonds. I'm the lookout for garbage, 538 00:25:08.807 --> 00:25:11.042 something we've all unanimously decided 539 00:25:11.142 --> 00:25:13.245 we do not want to look at. 540 00:25:13.345 --> 00:25:14.713 So there's no job. Every once in a while, 541 00:25:14.813 --> 00:25:16.047 a car would drive by, 542 00:25:16.147 --> 00:25:19.351 and then I would just be out front, just... 543 00:25:19.417 --> 00:25:21.253 [laughter and applause] 544 00:25:21.353 --> 00:25:22.988 The face of dumpster diving-- 545 00:25:23.054 --> 00:25:26.858 really, the flyer of dumpster diving. 546 00:25:26.925 --> 00:25:30.862 [chanting] E., E. coli, E., E., E. coli! 547 00:25:30.929 --> 00:25:33.932 [cheers and applause] 548 00:25:34.032 --> 00:25:37.168 That's what people wanna know. 549 00:25:37.235 --> 00:25:38.937 That's the next question, right? 550 00:25:39.037 --> 00:25:41.072 Did we ever get sick eating from the dumpster? 551 00:25:41.172 --> 00:25:44.509 Of course. When I was 9 years old, 552 00:25:44.576 --> 00:25:47.546 we were living in this really terrible part of Florida 553 00:25:47.612 --> 00:25:50.382 called Florida and... -[laughter] 554 00:25:50.448 --> 00:25:53.018 Ha ha, no one's ever made that joke before. 555 00:25:53.084 --> 00:25:54.686 [laughter] 556 00:25:54.753 --> 00:25:56.521 Anytime we wanted to go swimming, 557 00:25:56.588 --> 00:25:58.723 we couldn't afford our own pool, what we would do 558 00:25:58.790 --> 00:26:01.293 is we would break into a condo community 559 00:26:01.393 --> 00:26:04.296 or an apartment complex, or even a country club 560 00:26:04.396 --> 00:26:08.066 in an upscale area, pretend we lived where you live 561 00:26:08.133 --> 00:26:09.434 so we could use your pool. 562 00:26:09.534 --> 00:26:12.637 Some of you know this as a crime. 563 00:26:12.737 --> 00:26:14.739 We were about to break into 564 00:26:14.806 --> 00:26:17.075 the nicest pool in Florida-- Bluewater Bay. 565 00:26:17.142 --> 00:26:19.644 Only downside of Bluewater Bay 566 00:26:19.744 --> 00:26:21.580 is they had a shit-ton of security 567 00:26:21.646 --> 00:26:24.783 to the point where it made me mad how much security there was. 568 00:26:24.883 --> 00:26:26.918 There was a guard shack security guard, 569 00:26:26.985 --> 00:26:28.620 a roaming security guard, 570 00:26:28.720 --> 00:26:32.057 and just a pool security guard. 571 00:26:32.123 --> 00:26:33.491 My mom was all about doubling up, 572 00:26:33.592 --> 00:26:36.161 not just cheer camp and basketball camp. 573 00:26:36.261 --> 00:26:38.430 So she was like, "Okay, we're gonna drive all the way out 574 00:26:38.496 --> 00:26:39.998 to this nice neighborhood. 575 00:26:40.098 --> 00:26:42.467 First, we're gonna stop off at their grocery store dumpster, 576 00:26:42.567 --> 00:26:45.170 see what these richies are throwing out." 577 00:26:45.270 --> 00:26:47.505 [laughter] 578 00:26:47.606 --> 00:26:48.807 I had never seen anything like it. 579 00:26:48.907 --> 00:26:51.176 This grocery store's freezers went down, 580 00:26:51.276 --> 00:26:54.346 so they threw out their entire ice cream department at once. 581 00:26:54.446 --> 00:26:57.849 Every kind of name-brand non-bucket ice cream 582 00:26:57.949 --> 00:27:00.485 is now in three large blue trash bags 583 00:27:00.585 --> 00:27:03.355 sitting in this dumpster-- Hershey's, Klondike, 584 00:27:03.455 --> 00:27:06.825 whatever the fuck sherbert is supposed to be. 585 00:27:06.925 --> 00:27:08.693 My four siblings and I, we waste no time, 586 00:27:08.793 --> 00:27:10.462 right there, back of the store, 587 00:27:10.528 --> 00:27:12.430 just start shoveling half-melted ice cream 588 00:27:12.497 --> 00:27:14.599 into our face as fast as possible, 589 00:27:14.666 --> 00:27:17.202 just like little raccoons before this all melts. 590 00:27:17.302 --> 00:27:20.305 [laughter] 591 00:27:20.372 --> 00:27:24.109 And I feel that judgment from the crowd. 592 00:27:24.175 --> 00:27:28.313 "Gross! You're gonna eat dumpster ice cream?" 593 00:27:28.380 --> 00:27:30.815 Yeah. It's ice cream. 594 00:27:30.882 --> 00:27:33.284 Do you know how good ice cream is? 595 00:27:33.351 --> 00:27:35.987 Ice cream is so good, it's the only food 596 00:27:36.054 --> 00:27:39.658 that all of us in this room will willingly eat 597 00:27:39.724 --> 00:27:42.827 out of a stranger's windowless van. 598 00:27:42.894 --> 00:27:44.796 [laughter and applause] 599 00:27:44.863 --> 00:27:47.365 And we're excited about it! 600 00:27:47.465 --> 00:27:49.968 Oh, yay! It's the ice cream man! 601 00:27:50.035 --> 00:27:53.338 Send the kids alone! Surely that'll be safe. 602 00:27:53.405 --> 00:27:57.742 He is only playing the world's scariest clown music. 603 00:27:57.842 --> 00:28:02.247 Dressed in all white. What kind of pervert dresses in all white? 604 00:28:02.347 --> 00:28:05.016 [laughter] 605 00:28:05.083 --> 00:28:07.085 [cheers and applause] 606 00:28:07.185 --> 00:28:10.021 So my four siblings and I waste no time. 607 00:28:10.088 --> 00:28:13.391 We polish off three large trash bags of ice cream 608 00:28:13.491 --> 00:28:17.829 between the 5 of us in under 15 minutes. 609 00:28:17.896 --> 00:28:22.500 I don't know if you've ever had to speed-eat dairy in the sun. 610 00:28:22.567 --> 00:28:24.069 [laughter] 611 00:28:24.169 --> 00:28:26.604 We are not doing well. 612 00:28:26.705 --> 00:28:28.506 Have you ever been-- have you ever been so full 613 00:28:28.573 --> 00:28:30.442 that you feel it in your neck? 614 00:28:30.542 --> 00:28:31.676 [gulps] 615 00:28:31.743 --> 00:28:34.579 Ahh. It's like every burp is so high stakes. 616 00:28:34.679 --> 00:28:36.614 Every--Every burp is a contraction 617 00:28:36.715 --> 00:28:39.584 for the barf baby that you're about to deliver. 618 00:28:39.684 --> 00:28:41.686 Like, it's kicking. It has a pulse. 619 00:28:41.753 --> 00:28:43.521 Like, if I lived in Texas right now, 620 00:28:43.588 --> 00:28:45.690 it'd be illegal to throw this up. 621 00:28:45.757 --> 00:28:48.193 [cheers and applause] 622 00:28:48.259 --> 00:28:50.128 [imitates Southern accent] "That baby's a person there. 623 00:28:50.228 --> 00:28:52.030 I'll snitch on you." 624 00:28:52.097 --> 00:28:53.965 [applause] 625 00:28:54.065 --> 00:28:57.602 So my mom, thank God, being the one adult 626 00:28:57.702 --> 00:29:00.071 in this whole situation, gets a look at us and is like, 627 00:29:00.138 --> 00:29:04.909 "Okay, you guys do not look well, so pool day... 628 00:29:04.976 --> 00:29:07.312 is still definitely on. 629 00:29:07.412 --> 00:29:08.913 I'm not driving back this way again. 630 00:29:08.980 --> 00:29:10.648 Rally. Let's go." 631 00:29:10.749 --> 00:29:13.485 I get to this pool. 632 00:29:13.585 --> 00:29:15.987 It is packed with other families. 633 00:29:16.087 --> 00:29:17.489 So all the security guards are out-- 634 00:29:17.589 --> 00:29:20.558 the guard shack security guard, the roaming security guard, 635 00:29:20.625 --> 00:29:23.228 and just the pool security guard. 636 00:29:23.294 --> 00:29:25.630 My mom is like, "Okay, look at me. 637 00:29:25.730 --> 00:29:28.900 Look at me. Don't freak out. Just stick with the regular plan 638 00:29:28.967 --> 00:29:30.668 of breaking into one of these pools. 639 00:29:30.769 --> 00:29:33.671 Every kid spreads out as far as possible. 640 00:29:33.772 --> 00:29:36.975 One by one, you enter the pool from different sides. 641 00:29:37.075 --> 00:29:38.843 When it's safe, you can meet in the middle. 642 00:29:38.943 --> 00:29:41.246 We're not gonna flash mob people with poverty." 643 00:29:41.312 --> 00:29:44.315 [laughter] 644 00:29:44.415 --> 00:29:48.286 But the second that I jump in on my side of the pool, 645 00:29:48.353 --> 00:29:50.688 I know that I'm gonna vomit. 646 00:29:50.789 --> 00:29:52.757 [laughter] 647 00:29:52.824 --> 00:29:57.295 so my plan is to just put my mouth under the water 648 00:29:57.362 --> 00:29:59.097 so it won't make a sound, 649 00:29:59.164 --> 00:30:00.832 and then just... [imitates vomiting] 650 00:30:00.932 --> 00:30:04.202 So--So much. It looked like I had eaten nothing 651 00:30:04.302 --> 00:30:07.472 but 700 vanilla lava lamps. 652 00:30:07.539 --> 00:30:11.376 The amount that came out was just like, oh, my God. 653 00:30:11.476 --> 00:30:15.213 I think I figured out how they make darker white. 654 00:30:15.313 --> 00:30:16.981 This kid with red hair-- 655 00:30:17.048 --> 00:30:18.550 he comes to the surface of the pool, 656 00:30:18.650 --> 00:30:22.220 and he goes, "Oh, my God!" 657 00:30:22.320 --> 00:30:27.058 Because he has a full IMAX 3-D experience below. 658 00:30:27.158 --> 00:30:29.460 That causes my older brother Jonah, 659 00:30:29.527 --> 00:30:31.362 who was already... [gags] not doing well-- 660 00:30:31.462 --> 00:30:36.034 he turns--he sees me, and then he starts vomiting. 661 00:30:36.134 --> 00:30:39.070 Because vomiting is a lot like those inspirational quotes 662 00:30:39.170 --> 00:30:41.406 that white girls will post online-- 663 00:30:41.506 --> 00:30:42.841 very contagious and embarrassing 664 00:30:42.907 --> 00:30:45.877 when it slips out of your mouth in public. 665 00:30:45.977 --> 00:30:49.214 So he just starts... [gags] 666 00:30:49.314 --> 00:30:50.915 "If you can't handle me at my worst, 667 00:30:51.015 --> 00:30:53.418 you don't deserve me at my best." 668 00:30:53.518 --> 00:30:57.755 That triggers my two sisters over here to just... [gags] 669 00:30:57.856 --> 00:31:01.226 "Shoot for the moon. You might land amongst the stars." 670 00:31:01.326 --> 00:31:03.928 And then finally, my older brother David just... 671 00:31:04.028 --> 00:31:06.231 [imitates vomiting] "If you want a rainbow, 672 00:31:06.331 --> 00:31:08.600 you're gonna have to put up with some rain." 673 00:31:08.700 --> 00:31:10.735 So now... 674 00:31:10.835 --> 00:31:15.273 [cheers and applause] 675 00:31:15.373 --> 00:31:18.443 There are five kids simultaneously 676 00:31:18.543 --> 00:31:21.846 inspiring the shit out of one pool, 677 00:31:21.913 --> 00:31:24.782 which turns out is way too many kids to be throwing up at once. 678 00:31:24.883 --> 00:31:27.785 I know that because the other parents at this pool 679 00:31:27.886 --> 00:31:30.955 are now freaking the fuck out. 680 00:31:31.055 --> 00:31:36.694 Because we are all so far spread out in this pool, 681 00:31:36.761 --> 00:31:39.197 it doesn't look like some isolated incident. 682 00:31:39.264 --> 00:31:42.300 In their minds, it looks like some sort of violent supervirus 683 00:31:42.400 --> 00:31:47.071 has swept over the entire pool, causing kids to explode. 684 00:31:47.138 --> 00:31:48.706 Kids are screaming. 685 00:31:48.773 --> 00:31:50.808 Parents are pulling their kids out by the arms. 686 00:31:50.909 --> 00:31:52.644 There's kids throwing up that 687 00:31:52.744 --> 00:31:55.647 didn't even eat trash bags of ice cream. 688 00:31:55.747 --> 00:31:57.382 Fuck is your excuse? 689 00:31:57.448 --> 00:32:01.319 [cheers and applause] 690 00:32:01.419 --> 00:32:05.823 I get out of the pool. The entire pool is ruined. 691 00:32:05.924 --> 00:32:08.793 And I remember just thinking to myself, 692 00:32:08.893 --> 00:32:13.331 "Man...this place needs better security." 693 00:32:13.431 --> 00:32:15.300 [laughter] 694 00:32:15.400 --> 00:32:18.336 [cheers and applause] 695 00:32:25.443 --> 00:32:27.779 I think the common misconception is that everyone on food stamps 696 00:32:27.845 --> 00:32:31.149 is just sitting around, waiting to collect a welfare check 697 00:32:31.249 --> 00:32:33.518 and ruining pools. 698 00:32:33.618 --> 00:32:36.154 In my personal memory, my mom was always 699 00:32:36.254 --> 00:32:40.291 in this constant manic state to provide for us-- 700 00:32:40.358 --> 00:32:43.161 all these schemes that we'd end up losing more money on, 701 00:32:43.261 --> 00:32:45.663 than if she just got a minimum wage job. 702 00:32:45.763 --> 00:32:49.000 My earliest memory of this is in 1992, 703 00:32:49.100 --> 00:32:52.870 Bob Saget came on TV and introduced a show called 704 00:32:52.971 --> 00:32:55.139 "America's Funniest Home Videos." 705 00:32:55.206 --> 00:32:56.808 On this show, if you're familiar, 706 00:32:56.874 --> 00:32:58.509 people would send in, like, their amateur tapes 707 00:32:58.609 --> 00:33:00.712 of, like, bloopers on a home video. 708 00:33:00.812 --> 00:33:02.113 Someone fell down. 709 00:33:02.180 --> 00:33:04.382 Someone's playing wiffle ball and got hit in the nuts. 710 00:33:04.482 --> 00:33:06.985 At the end of the show, the funniest video would-- 711 00:33:07.051 --> 00:33:09.454 it's a very exciting show if you haven't seen it, 712 00:33:09.520 --> 00:33:11.990 'cause they--they control the video. 713 00:33:12.056 --> 00:33:14.726 It's like watching someone else watch YouTube. 714 00:33:14.826 --> 00:33:16.794 [laughter] 715 00:33:16.861 --> 00:33:19.163 End of the show, the funniest video 716 00:33:19.230 --> 00:33:20.665 would win 10 grand. 717 00:33:20.732 --> 00:33:23.468 Uh, and then Bob Saget would, like, do-- 718 00:33:23.534 --> 00:33:25.703 This is not--this probably won't make the special, 719 00:33:25.803 --> 00:33:27.739 but just for you guys, um... [chuckles] 720 00:33:27.839 --> 00:33:29.741 I was rewatching it to, like, prep for this, 721 00:33:29.841 --> 00:33:33.378 and for some reason, all of Bob Saget's improv-- 722 00:33:33.478 --> 00:33:35.013 he would, like, do... [nasal voice] Ah. 723 00:33:35.079 --> 00:33:36.147 [normal voice] ...voices over the clips-- 724 00:33:36.214 --> 00:33:39.317 it was all just about his grandma 725 00:33:39.384 --> 00:33:42.687 to the point where I'm like, like, some kid would get, like, 726 00:33:42.754 --> 00:33:44.222 you know, pulled out of frame, 727 00:33:44.322 --> 00:33:48.760 like, "This kid got yanked harder than my grandma." Like... 728 00:33:48.860 --> 00:33:50.928 I'm worried about-- like, in a real way, 729 00:33:51.029 --> 00:33:53.197 I'm worried about his grandma. 730 00:33:53.264 --> 00:33:56.701 [laughter and applause] 731 00:33:56.768 --> 00:33:58.202 So most people heard this concept 732 00:33:58.269 --> 00:34:00.571 of "America's Funniest Home Videos," 733 00:34:00.671 --> 00:34:03.408 and they were like, "Oh, that's a fun way to pass the time 734 00:34:03.508 --> 00:34:06.110 in between Fentanyl doses." 735 00:34:06.210 --> 00:34:07.678 [laughter] 736 00:34:07.745 --> 00:34:09.547 My mom heard this, and she took it 737 00:34:09.614 --> 00:34:13.184 as a direct and personal job offer. 738 00:34:13.251 --> 00:34:16.120 "Okay, Bob Saget, I will make you this funny video 739 00:34:16.220 --> 00:34:17.789 that you require. 740 00:34:17.889 --> 00:34:19.757 You will give me your 10 grand." 741 00:34:19.857 --> 00:34:22.460 Every single weekend, we would rent a camera, 742 00:34:22.560 --> 00:34:24.929 two 6-hour tapes, and we would shoot 743 00:34:25.029 --> 00:34:27.131 fake, staged bits 744 00:34:27.231 --> 00:34:30.635 in the hopes of scamming the show out of 10 grand. 745 00:34:30.735 --> 00:34:31.969 Usually it's like a happy accident, 746 00:34:32.070 --> 00:34:34.272 like, whoa, hit in the nuts. 747 00:34:34.372 --> 00:34:36.474 But my mom was like, "No, we can engineer this. 748 00:34:36.574 --> 00:34:38.876 We're gonna do highbrow non-nut humor." 749 00:34:38.943 --> 00:34:43.481 One day, she gets an idea that's gonna win us the 10 grand. 750 00:34:43.581 --> 00:34:45.783 Here's the bit. All of us kids are gonna be in the kitchen, 751 00:34:45.883 --> 00:34:47.318 making cookies, right? 752 00:34:47.418 --> 00:34:50.321 And halfway through, 2-year-old Moses... 753 00:34:50.421 --> 00:34:53.991 Huh...is going to accidentally drop an egg 754 00:34:54.092 --> 00:34:56.627 off of the countertop--whoops-- and it's gonna land 755 00:34:56.727 --> 00:34:59.630 on my sister's head, who is sitting just below. 756 00:34:59.730 --> 00:35:02.500 Judging by this audience's response, 757 00:35:02.600 --> 00:35:04.102 it's a killer bit. 758 00:35:04.168 --> 00:35:05.903 [laughter] 759 00:35:05.970 --> 00:35:07.405 Anyone that's silent is going, 760 00:35:07.472 --> 00:35:09.107 "How come I didn't think of that? 761 00:35:09.173 --> 00:35:11.642 Egg on the head. Egg on the face." 762 00:35:11.742 --> 00:35:13.511 Two things are standing in my mom's way 763 00:35:13.611 --> 00:35:15.680 between her and the 10 grand. 764 00:35:15.780 --> 00:35:17.448 The first is that her very young children 765 00:35:17.515 --> 00:35:21.486 do not understand this bit at all. 766 00:35:21.586 --> 00:35:24.288 No concept of, like, a joke, a prank, or pretend. 767 00:35:24.355 --> 00:35:25.990 A lot of us do with number two. 768 00:35:26.090 --> 00:35:27.625 She was a very strict, religious parent 769 00:35:27.692 --> 00:35:29.360 that we were a little afraid of. 770 00:35:29.460 --> 00:35:30.795 So when she told my 2-year-old brain, 771 00:35:30.862 --> 00:35:33.965 "Hey, you're supposed to accidentally--" 772 00:35:34.031 --> 00:35:35.266 Oxymoron-- 773 00:35:35.333 --> 00:35:37.869 "...drop an egg on your sister's head," 774 00:35:37.969 --> 00:35:40.671 my brain exploded. I was like, "This is some kind of trap. 775 00:35:40.771 --> 00:35:41.973 Why is this being filmed? 776 00:35:42.039 --> 00:35:43.207 You've been telling me my entire life 777 00:35:43.307 --> 00:35:46.277 not to throw eggs around like we got egg money." 778 00:35:46.344 --> 00:35:49.547 [laughter] 779 00:35:49.647 --> 00:35:51.048 So... 780 00:35:51.149 --> 00:35:53.684 what we're about to watch right now 781 00:35:53.784 --> 00:35:56.621 is the many outtakes... 782 00:35:56.687 --> 00:36:00.958 [cheers and applause] 783 00:36:01.025 --> 00:36:03.361 ...that it took to get this very dumb video, 784 00:36:03.461 --> 00:36:06.531 and, uh, before we start it, just a heads up. 785 00:36:06.631 --> 00:36:08.566 The video has all the charm and production value 786 00:36:08.666 --> 00:36:12.036 of, like, a hostage video. 787 00:36:12.136 --> 00:36:15.239 So... 788 00:36:15.339 --> 00:36:19.410 I am here in the overalls as she explains this bit to me. 789 00:36:27.652 --> 00:36:28.553 line:5% [beep] 790 00:36:47.271 --> 00:36:48.206 [beep] 791 00:36:48.272 --> 00:36:49.607 -Hi! -Hi! 792 00:36:49.707 --> 00:36:50.708 -Hi, Grandma and Grandpa. -We're gonna make you a video. 793 00:36:50.775 --> 00:36:52.276 -Yeah! -We're starting off 794 00:36:52.376 --> 00:36:56.247 line:5% this morning by, um, making you some cookies. 795 00:36:56.347 --> 00:36:57.615 [beep] 796 00:36:57.715 --> 00:36:59.951 [mixer whirring] 797 00:37:00.051 --> 00:37:01.419 line:5% No, today on the tape, we're gonna play, uh, 798 00:37:01.519 --> 00:37:03.387 line:5% uh, we'd--we'd go outside, 799 00:37:03.454 --> 00:37:05.790 line:5% and next we would--we-- we'd play even when-- 800 00:37:05.890 --> 00:37:07.558 line:5% we'd--we'd play outside 801 00:37:07.625 --> 00:37:11.229 line:5% we have a swing set out there, too. 802 00:37:11.295 --> 00:37:12.530 line:5% Do it again. 803 00:37:17.301 --> 00:37:19.537 line:5% Okay. 804 00:37:23.574 --> 00:37:25.142 [beep] 805 00:37:25.243 --> 00:37:27.078 -Hi, Grandma and Grandpa. -Hi, Grandma and Grandpa. 806 00:37:27.144 --> 00:37:28.646 We're making a tape today. 807 00:37:28.746 --> 00:37:31.782 line:5% [mixer whirring] 808 00:37:35.219 --> 00:37:40.424 line:5% [audience laughing] 809 00:37:40.491 --> 00:37:41.659 line:5% [beep] 810 00:37:43.394 --> 00:37:44.595 [beep] 811 00:37:44.662 --> 00:37:46.897 -Hi, Grandma and Grandpa. -Hi! 812 00:37:46.964 --> 00:37:50.968 [mixer whirring, speaks indistinctly] 813 00:37:51.068 --> 00:37:52.136 Yeah. 814 00:37:52.236 --> 00:37:53.437 line:5% [beep] 815 00:37:56.107 --> 00:37:57.275 [beep] 816 00:37:57.341 --> 00:37:59.076 At this point, my mom had come to her senses, 817 00:37:59.143 --> 00:38:00.311 like all of us in this room 818 00:38:00.411 --> 00:38:02.346 and realized what the problem was. 819 00:38:02.446 --> 00:38:04.348 The egg is too small. 820 00:38:04.448 --> 00:38:05.850 [laughter] 821 00:38:05.950 --> 00:38:08.686 Let's up the visual stakes with a large bag of flour. 822 00:38:08.786 --> 00:38:13.157 So now all they have to do is just knock over a bag of flour. 823 00:38:15.593 --> 00:38:17.028 line:5% And we're gonna send it to you in the mail. 824 00:38:17.128 --> 00:38:20.665 line:5% Okay, honey, do-- okay, do it again. 825 00:38:20.765 --> 00:38:21.666 [beep] 826 00:38:21.766 --> 00:38:24.468 A little beyond, but-- Oh! 827 00:38:24.535 --> 00:38:25.970 -[mixer whirring] -Ow! 828 00:38:26.037 --> 00:38:26.971 line:5% [beep] 829 00:38:27.038 --> 00:38:27.972 line:5% Stop, stop. 830 00:38:29.974 --> 00:38:31.375 -[beep] -Hi, Grandma and Grandpa! 831 00:38:31.475 --> 00:38:32.710 Hi, Grandma and Grandpa! 832 00:38:32.810 --> 00:38:35.813 line:5% Now we're gonna send it to you in the mail. 833 00:38:38.516 --> 00:38:40.351 line:5% [baby cries] 834 00:38:40.451 --> 00:38:43.954 line:5% -Wait, stop. -Just blown the entire bit. 835 00:38:44.021 --> 00:38:47.158 line:5% Don't say that. We're acting. 836 00:38:48.826 --> 00:38:50.027 line:5% Oh. 837 00:38:50.127 --> 00:38:51.395 [beep] 838 00:38:51.495 --> 00:38:53.898 -Hi, Grandma and Grandpa! -Hi, Grandma and Grandpa! 839 00:38:53.998 --> 00:38:54.999 -Hi! -Hi! 840 00:38:55.066 --> 00:38:58.369 [mixer whirring, indistinct conversations] 841 00:38:58.469 --> 00:39:00.404 -[beep] -Just do it, Moses. 842 00:39:00.504 --> 00:39:04.375 -[beep] -[speaks indistinctly] 843 00:39:04.475 --> 00:39:05.810 line:5% [beep] 844 00:39:08.145 --> 00:39:09.413 -[beep] -Hi, Grandma and Grandpa. 845 00:39:09.513 --> 00:39:11.582 So I've been recast in the video. 846 00:39:11.682 --> 00:39:16.587 -Chocolate chip. -Yeah, chocolate chips. 847 00:39:16.687 --> 00:39:18.055 David! 848 00:39:18.155 --> 00:39:19.590 line:5% [beep] 849 00:39:19.690 --> 00:39:20.891 [beep] 850 00:39:20.991 --> 00:39:24.362 [faucet runs] 851 00:39:24.428 --> 00:39:25.830 -[beep] -Okay, let's do it. 852 00:39:25.896 --> 00:39:27.331 -[beep] -Here we go. 853 00:39:27.398 --> 00:39:30.234 Yeah, we're gonna make you a lot of cookies. 854 00:39:30.334 --> 00:39:32.937 [indistinct conversations] 855 00:39:33.037 --> 00:39:36.173 -Grandma, Grandma, Grandpa. -You can help. You can help. 856 00:39:39.443 --> 00:39:40.444 David. 857 00:39:40.544 --> 00:39:41.545 [bleep] 858 00:39:41.612 --> 00:39:44.248 -Hi, Grandma and Grandpa! -Hi! 859 00:39:44.348 --> 00:39:46.117 We made you some cookies. 860 00:39:46.217 --> 00:39:47.251 -Yeah, chocolate chip. -[beep] 861 00:39:47.351 --> 00:39:49.453 -David, just do it! -[beep] 862 00:39:49.553 --> 00:39:51.922 -Can I help? Can I help? -Yep, we can all help. 863 00:39:52.022 --> 00:39:56.694 Let me get you a cup. Damn it. Do it! 864 00:39:56.761 --> 00:39:58.062 -Not now. -[beep] 865 00:39:58.129 --> 00:39:59.130 [cheers and applause] 866 00:39:59.230 --> 00:40:00.131 Do it again? 867 00:40:00.231 --> 00:40:01.899 [all speak at once] 868 00:40:05.603 --> 00:40:09.106 -[beep] -[all shouting at once] 869 00:40:09.206 --> 00:40:13.144 -Yeah, flour. -[speaks indistinctly] 870 00:40:13.244 --> 00:40:14.412 Ohh! 871 00:40:14.478 --> 00:40:16.080 Mommy, that was fast. 872 00:40:16.147 --> 00:40:20.284 [giggling] 873 00:40:22.920 --> 00:40:25.423 [cheers and applause] 874 00:40:25.489 --> 00:40:30.127 So now the question is, did we ever win the 10 grand? 875 00:40:30.227 --> 00:40:33.497 No. But we did get featured in the cold open of season 3, 876 00:40:33.597 --> 00:40:35.766 the very beginning, and for that, 877 00:40:35.833 --> 00:40:38.235 we received a $200 appearance fee. 878 00:40:38.302 --> 00:40:40.671 So if you add up all the camera rentals, time spent, 879 00:40:40.771 --> 00:40:46.277 we made a net profit of -$652, 880 00:40:46.343 --> 00:40:50.514 and this is how the clip actually aired on the show 881 00:40:50.614 --> 00:40:52.850 with Bob Saget's narration over it. 882 00:40:52.950 --> 00:40:55.953 line:5% Come see why we're making it. This is what we did. 883 00:40:56.020 --> 00:40:58.022 line:5% SAGET: These kids cook just like my grandmother used to-- 884 00:40:58.122 --> 00:41:02.092 line:5% a pinch of this, a bag of that, 885 00:41:02.159 --> 00:41:03.661 line:5% ♪♪♪ 886 00:41:03.761 --> 00:41:06.030 -Now... -[cheers and applause] 887 00:41:06.130 --> 00:41:08.032 I only showed you that again 888 00:41:08.132 --> 00:41:09.934 because that was a shit-ton of takes 889 00:41:10.000 --> 00:41:13.337 to get a very dumb bit, right? 890 00:41:13.437 --> 00:41:14.972 It gets way worse. 891 00:41:15.039 --> 00:41:16.474 I don't think you understand 892 00:41:16.540 --> 00:41:19.109 how much she believed in this idea. 893 00:41:19.176 --> 00:41:22.813 How the clip aired on the show-- she's wearing what color pants? 894 00:41:22.880 --> 00:41:25.115 -AUDIENCE MEMBER #1: White! -AUDIENCE MEMBER #2: Blue! 895 00:41:25.182 --> 00:41:28.219 She's wearing blue pants on the show, 896 00:41:28.319 --> 00:41:30.988 but in every take I had shown you before then-- 897 00:41:31.055 --> 00:41:32.389 Will you press "play"? 898 00:41:32.490 --> 00:41:34.358 Every take I showed you before then, 899 00:41:34.458 --> 00:41:35.826 she's wearing white pants, 900 00:41:35.893 --> 00:41:38.629 meaning there's an entirely different reshoot day 901 00:41:38.696 --> 00:41:41.732 I don't even have time to show you tonight. 902 00:41:41.832 --> 00:41:43.534 That's how deep this goes. 903 00:41:43.634 --> 00:41:46.570 [cheers and applause] 904 00:41:50.908 --> 00:41:54.178 It's very tacky to say how much you're being paid 905 00:41:54.245 --> 00:41:57.014 for your HBO Max special. 906 00:41:57.081 --> 00:42:00.384 What I will say is that as of tonight, 907 00:42:00.484 --> 00:42:02.820 it took about-- well, over 20 years, 908 00:42:02.887 --> 00:42:07.424 but eventually, from this bit, my mom made the 10 grand. 909 00:42:07.525 --> 00:42:10.494 [cheers and applause] 910 00:42:16.834 --> 00:42:18.869 A lot of people will watch that video 911 00:42:18.936 --> 00:42:22.706 and they'll ask me if I'm mad at my mom. 912 00:42:22.773 --> 00:42:23.941 No. 913 00:42:24.041 --> 00:42:26.777 The older I get, the more I understand 914 00:42:26.877 --> 00:42:29.547 what she was going through. 915 00:42:29.613 --> 00:42:31.916 Now that I'm old enough to have my own kids, 916 00:42:32.016 --> 00:42:35.019 and by that, I mean, pregnancy scares... 917 00:42:35.085 --> 00:42:36.887 [laughter] 918 00:42:36.954 --> 00:42:38.923 I can--I can understand what she's going through. 919 00:42:39.023 --> 00:42:41.458 Now understanding why someone does a behavior 920 00:42:41.559 --> 00:42:44.061 is also not an excuse for that behavior. 921 00:42:44.128 --> 00:42:46.864 There is--There is an ocean between apathy and empathy, 922 00:42:46.931 --> 00:42:50.234 between approval and just forgiveness. 923 00:42:50.301 --> 00:42:55.139 My mom displayed a lot of crazy behavior growing up. 924 00:42:55.239 --> 00:42:59.543 That crazy behavior was a way to combat the fear. 925 00:42:59.610 --> 00:43:01.946 Crazy beats scary. 926 00:43:02.046 --> 00:43:05.482 If your day-to-day problems are the insane decisions 927 00:43:05.583 --> 00:43:06.984 that you yourself have created, 928 00:43:07.084 --> 00:43:09.920 then you feel like you have some sort of agency over your life. 929 00:43:09.987 --> 00:43:13.924 I got myself into this. I can get myself out. 930 00:43:13.991 --> 00:43:16.760 And then you don't have to focus on the larger fear 931 00:43:16.827 --> 00:43:21.165 that you're a single parent, and you're completely alone. 932 00:43:21.265 --> 00:43:24.468 And the older you get, the idea of hustling and grinding 933 00:43:24.568 --> 00:43:28.439 starts fading into failure, and you understand 934 00:43:28.505 --> 00:43:31.675 that the idea of upward mobility in this country--it's a lie. 935 00:43:31.775 --> 00:43:33.744 It's a lie because stories like mine 936 00:43:33.811 --> 00:43:35.279 get elevated in our culture-- 937 00:43:35.346 --> 00:43:41.118 these stories of rags to riches, from the dumpster to HBO Max. 938 00:43:41.185 --> 00:43:42.586 Because these stories-- they make us feel good. 939 00:43:42.653 --> 00:43:44.154 These make us feel good. 940 00:43:44.254 --> 00:43:46.523 They allow us to continue to do nothing 941 00:43:46.624 --> 00:43:48.325 about the unfathomable amount of poverty 942 00:43:48.425 --> 00:43:51.362 that is just beyond these walls. 943 00:43:51.462 --> 00:43:54.498 And my story is not the truth. 944 00:43:54.598 --> 00:43:56.367 The truth is that most people are born poor, 945 00:43:56.467 --> 00:44:00.170 and they die even poorer. 946 00:44:00.270 --> 00:44:03.540 Sure, I worked my ass off to get here in front of you tonight. 947 00:44:03.641 --> 00:44:06.610 But I also got very lucky. 948 00:44:06.677 --> 00:44:08.512 I got lucky that people took a chance on me. 949 00:44:08.612 --> 00:44:11.715 I got lucky that you physically came out tonight, 950 00:44:11.815 --> 00:44:14.184 and I don't say this because I have any agenda 951 00:44:14.284 --> 00:44:15.486 or there's any actual steps. 952 00:44:15.552 --> 00:44:16.954 I am only saying that I got lucky, 953 00:44:17.021 --> 00:44:21.025 because that is what I needed to hear as a poor kid, 954 00:44:21.125 --> 00:44:22.793 when I was knee-deep in a dumpster 955 00:44:22.860 --> 00:44:24.995 and head high in shame-- 956 00:44:25.062 --> 00:44:26.997 "Some people get lucky." 957 00:44:27.064 --> 00:44:29.967 When I was at cheer camp, and they did a lot worse 958 00:44:30.034 --> 00:44:32.803 than just say, "Hey, you're a cheer queer"-- 959 00:44:32.870 --> 00:44:36.340 "Some people just get lucky." 960 00:44:36.407 --> 00:44:40.310 Now imagine you're a single parent, and you're not as lucky. 961 00:44:40.377 --> 00:44:41.712 You're in charge of five human beings 962 00:44:41.812 --> 00:44:45.582 that are supposed to have a better life than you. 963 00:44:45.683 --> 00:44:48.585 If that doesn't scare you, I don't know what will. 964 00:44:48.686 --> 00:44:50.087 Crazy beats scary. 965 00:44:50.187 --> 00:44:55.059 The crazy behavior was a way to combat fear. 966 00:44:55.159 --> 00:44:57.661 The first time I understood that crazy beat scary 967 00:44:57.728 --> 00:45:00.197 was on the very literal level. 968 00:45:00.264 --> 00:45:02.566 I was 18. I had my very first girlfriend, 969 00:45:02.666 --> 00:45:05.602 and Mandy was way out of my league. 970 00:45:05.703 --> 00:45:08.505 Mandy was cool. Mandy had these black bangs, 971 00:45:08.572 --> 00:45:10.240 thick black eyeliner. 972 00:45:10.340 --> 00:45:12.109 She basically looked like... 973 00:45:12.209 --> 00:45:14.778 [sighs] like if a person just walked into a Hot Topic, 974 00:45:14.878 --> 00:45:17.848 looked around once, and was like, "I'll take it." 975 00:45:17.915 --> 00:45:19.750 [laughter] 976 00:45:19.850 --> 00:45:22.352 I, on the other hand, was 18, 85 pounds. 977 00:45:22.419 --> 00:45:24.521 I looked like I walked into a Build-A-Bear 978 00:45:24.588 --> 00:45:26.690 so I could get a vest in my size. 979 00:45:26.757 --> 00:45:28.692 [laughter] 980 00:45:28.759 --> 00:45:31.295 And the type of guys that Mandy was used to dating 981 00:45:31.395 --> 00:45:34.264 were the type of guys that people would just look at 982 00:45:34.364 --> 00:45:37.434 and be like, "Oh, man, that guy looks dangerous." 983 00:45:37.534 --> 00:45:39.203 People would look at me, like, they look at, 984 00:45:39.269 --> 00:45:42.106 like, you and I, will be like, 985 00:45:42.206 --> 00:45:44.708 "Oh, man. That guy looks ticklish." 986 00:45:44.775 --> 00:45:46.810 [laughter] 987 00:45:46.910 --> 00:45:48.946 I was also a very sensitive teenager. Very sensitive. 988 00:45:49.046 --> 00:45:50.948 Mandy was the strong one. I was very sensitive. 989 00:45:51.048 --> 00:45:52.649 A couple months before I met Mandy, 990 00:45:52.750 --> 00:45:55.285 I was going through a really bad breakup. 991 00:45:55.385 --> 00:45:57.454 I was going out with this girl for six months, 992 00:45:57.554 --> 00:45:59.556 and we both got to that point in our relationship 993 00:45:59.623 --> 00:46:03.427 where we decided that she should break up with me. 994 00:46:03.494 --> 00:46:05.796 [laughter] 995 00:46:05.896 --> 00:46:07.631 Very confusing time for both of us, 996 00:46:07.731 --> 00:46:09.466 'cause she was like, "What are you talking about? 997 00:46:09.566 --> 00:46:11.435 We were never actually really together." 998 00:46:11.502 --> 00:46:14.304 -I'm like, classic us. -[laughter] 999 00:46:14.404 --> 00:46:15.839 I was very chill about the breakup. 1000 00:46:15.939 --> 00:46:19.510 I cried every single day for 33 days. 1001 00:46:19.610 --> 00:46:22.279 I know that because I wrote that in a journal, 1002 00:46:22.346 --> 00:46:24.581 and I sent it to her. 1003 00:46:24.648 --> 00:46:26.784 [laughter] 1004 00:46:26.850 --> 00:46:28.185 Emotionally abusive. 1005 00:46:28.285 --> 00:46:31.622 So I was doing a lot of crying, you know. 1006 00:46:31.688 --> 00:46:35.292 My older brother--he caught me crying in our shared room, 1007 00:46:35.359 --> 00:46:37.494 this breakup, and he goes, verbatim, he goes... 1008 00:46:37.594 --> 00:46:40.330 [scoffs] "Wow. 1009 00:46:40.430 --> 00:46:43.500 Guess you're the world's biggest little bitch." 1010 00:46:43.600 --> 00:46:45.202 I was like, "Uh, actually, that's an oxymoron. 1011 00:46:45.302 --> 00:46:47.671 How can I be the world's biggest and the world's li--" 1012 00:46:47.771 --> 00:46:49.206 Before I could finish "little," 1013 00:46:49.306 --> 00:46:51.308 he had already punched me in the neck. 1014 00:46:51.375 --> 00:46:53.477 [laughter] 1015 00:46:53.544 --> 00:46:55.512 So now anytime I wanted to cry, 1016 00:46:55.612 --> 00:47:00.684 I would now have to drive to my cry spot. 1017 00:47:00.784 --> 00:47:03.520 Uh, whoops! That is as lame as it sounds. 1018 00:47:03.620 --> 00:47:05.322 [scoffs] A designated area 1019 00:47:05.389 --> 00:47:09.493 I would physically drive my 2001 Mitsubishi Eclipse to 1020 00:47:09.560 --> 00:47:11.128 to just go and cry, 1021 00:47:11.195 --> 00:47:13.831 save up things that would happen during that week. 1022 00:47:13.897 --> 00:47:16.834 [voice breaking] Be like, not now. 1023 00:47:16.900 --> 00:47:19.069 Save it. 1024 00:47:19.169 --> 00:47:26.009 File. Save As. "Saddest Moment of My Life-Final." 1025 00:47:26.076 --> 00:47:28.145 "File already exists named 1026 00:47:28.212 --> 00:47:29.847 'Saddest Moment of My Life-Final.' 1027 00:47:29.913 --> 00:47:31.849 Do you want to replace?" 1028 00:47:31.915 --> 00:47:33.584 Yes. 1029 00:47:33.684 --> 00:47:35.519 [normal voice] And then once a week, 1030 00:47:35.586 --> 00:47:37.187 drive out to this half-abandoned cul-de-sac, 1031 00:47:37.254 --> 00:47:40.691 park my car, and unload in this tantrum cry. 1032 00:47:40.757 --> 00:47:43.861 You ever been crying so hard, you're, like, about to throw up? 1033 00:47:43.927 --> 00:47:45.529 Like, your vomit sees your tears come out. 1034 00:47:45.596 --> 00:47:47.698 It's like, "Me, too." 1035 00:47:47.764 --> 00:47:49.333 I'm that level of like... 1036 00:47:49.399 --> 00:47:52.202 [moans and gags] 1037 00:47:52.269 --> 00:47:55.873 I see a cop car speed by the main road. 1038 00:47:55.939 --> 00:47:58.609 The tires screech out, and it peals back around. 1039 00:47:58.709 --> 00:48:00.911 I'm like, "Okay, well, that's not for me." 1040 00:48:01.011 --> 00:48:06.183 I mean, shoo-bee-doo-wop, what is adversity? 1041 00:48:06.250 --> 00:48:08.385 Before I know it, that cop car 1042 00:48:08.452 --> 00:48:11.555 is now nose to nose with my car. 1043 00:48:11.622 --> 00:48:14.091 And the cop gets over the loudspeaker, 1044 00:48:14.191 --> 00:48:16.026 and he goes... [sighs] 1045 00:48:16.093 --> 00:48:20.130 "All right, let's break it up, lovebirds." 1046 00:48:20.230 --> 00:48:22.199 [gasps and laughter] 1047 00:48:22.266 --> 00:48:26.303 I look up. All of my windows are fogged up 1048 00:48:26.403 --> 00:48:28.605 from my sadness. 1049 00:48:28.705 --> 00:48:31.208 When I cry, I'm a squirter. 1050 00:48:31.275 --> 00:48:33.243 [laughter] 1051 00:48:33.310 --> 00:48:36.213 But from his perspective, it looks like 1052 00:48:36.280 --> 00:48:39.149 two human beings are in here, like à la "Titanic," 1053 00:48:39.249 --> 00:48:42.319 like doing sex on each other. 1054 00:48:42.419 --> 00:48:45.555 So now I have to step out of the car 1055 00:48:45.622 --> 00:48:49.259 and deliver the world's saddest sentence. 1056 00:48:49.326 --> 00:48:51.762 And he goes, "Break it up, lovebirds." 1057 00:48:51.828 --> 00:48:53.497 I step out of the car, still crying. 1058 00:48:53.597 --> 00:48:55.966 I'm like... [gulps] 1059 00:48:56.066 --> 00:49:00.137 [voice breaking] "No, it's just one bird in here." 1060 00:49:00.237 --> 00:49:03.507 [laughter and applause] 1061 00:49:03.607 --> 00:49:09.079 There's just...one bird... in here. 1062 00:49:09.146 --> 00:49:10.814 [laughter] 1063 00:49:10.914 --> 00:49:14.351 This very tough veteran cop, like the kind of cop 1064 00:49:14.451 --> 00:49:15.852 who has seen the worst of the worst 1065 00:49:15.953 --> 00:49:19.189 over the course of his career-- homicides, overdoses 1066 00:49:19.289 --> 00:49:21.024 and he's kind of tough where it looks like 1067 00:49:21.124 --> 00:49:23.794 not only has he never let himself have an emotion, 1068 00:49:23.860 --> 00:49:29.599 but it looks like he buys his jeans at Costco. 1069 00:49:29.666 --> 00:49:31.368 He gets one look at me crying in his light, 1070 00:49:31.468 --> 00:49:34.972 and he goes... [gasps] "Oh, God. Sorry." 1071 00:49:35.038 --> 00:49:37.474 [laughter] 1072 00:49:37.541 --> 00:49:39.509 He turns away. 1073 00:49:39.609 --> 00:49:43.680 Do you know how profoundly lame/white 1074 00:49:43.780 --> 00:49:48.285 you have to look for a cop to ignore all of his training 1075 00:49:48.352 --> 00:49:50.887 and turn his back to the perp to be like, 1076 00:49:50.988 --> 00:49:53.390 "I don't even care if you have a gun. 1077 00:49:53.490 --> 00:49:57.227 Jesus Christ. Just end it for us both"? 1078 00:49:57.327 --> 00:49:59.062 [applause] 1079 00:49:59.162 --> 00:50:00.530 Without saying another word, 1080 00:50:00.630 --> 00:50:02.866 he gets back into his car, and he speeds off, shook, 1081 00:50:02.966 --> 00:50:05.235 like, visibly shook. 1082 00:50:05.335 --> 00:50:07.070 I would like to think that later that night, 1083 00:50:07.170 --> 00:50:10.674 that cop--he's at a diner with all of his veteran cop buddies, 1084 00:50:10.741 --> 00:50:13.243 exchanging different horror stories. 1085 00:50:13.343 --> 00:50:16.680 One cop is like, "I'll never forget 2003. 1086 00:50:16.747 --> 00:50:20.417 18-car pileup, body parts everywhere." 1087 00:50:20.517 --> 00:50:22.419 And they finally get to my cop. 1088 00:50:24.021 --> 00:50:26.189 "John, you all right? 1089 00:50:26.256 --> 00:50:28.425 You haven't said a word all night." 1090 00:50:28.525 --> 00:50:31.061 And my cop is just in the corner. 1091 00:50:31.161 --> 00:50:35.399 He's in the corner trembling, smoking an unlit cigarette. 1092 00:50:35.499 --> 00:50:37.501 [laughter] 1093 00:50:37.567 --> 00:50:39.236 He looks up at them and goes, 1094 00:50:39.336 --> 00:50:42.739 "I didn't think it was possible, 1095 00:50:42.839 --> 00:50:47.778 but tonight I met the world's biggest little bitch." 1096 00:50:47.878 --> 00:50:50.247 [laughter and applause] 1097 00:50:50.347 --> 00:50:53.550 And then the last cop-- the last cop, he goes, 1098 00:50:53.617 --> 00:50:56.053 "Oh, you think that's bad? I'll never forget 1999. 1099 00:50:56.119 --> 00:50:57.220 Before I joined the force, 1100 00:50:57.287 --> 00:51:00.791 I was a security guard at a pool, 1101 00:51:00.891 --> 00:51:02.192 and a violent supervirus swept over." 1102 00:51:02.259 --> 00:51:05.228 [cheers and applause] 1103 00:51:09.232 --> 00:51:12.969 [cheers and applause continue] 1104 00:51:13.070 --> 00:51:15.272 Mandy and I did have a lot in common. 1105 00:51:15.372 --> 00:51:19.109 We both had very strict, religious parents. 1106 00:51:19.209 --> 00:51:22.279 Like, Mandy's mom is the kind of religious where as we speak, 1107 00:51:22.379 --> 00:51:26.383 her bedroom walls are covered in the most gruesome photos 1108 00:51:26.450 --> 00:51:28.485 of Jesus being crucified. 1109 00:51:28.585 --> 00:51:31.488 Just like--or--or paintings. Sorry. 1110 00:51:31.588 --> 00:51:35.492 Uh, right, not pho-- That would be insane. 1111 00:51:35.592 --> 00:51:37.427 There's like a watermark. It's like, 2008? 1112 00:51:37.494 --> 00:51:38.662 What the fuck? 1113 00:51:38.762 --> 00:51:41.064 [laughter] 1114 00:51:41.131 --> 00:51:43.266 Paintings, renderings, 1115 00:51:43.333 --> 00:51:45.402 and, like, shit that's so raw, like Mel Gibson 1116 00:51:45.469 --> 00:51:48.638 would be like, "Yikes. That looks anti-Semitic." 1117 00:51:48.738 --> 00:51:52.943 And here's what gets me. They're not even in frames. 1118 00:51:53.009 --> 00:51:55.312 These photos are just hastily pasted 1119 00:51:55.412 --> 00:51:57.347 up and down her walls, 1120 00:51:57.447 --> 00:52:01.151 almost like she's trying to solve Jesus' murder. 1121 00:52:01.251 --> 00:52:02.652 "Everyone thinks it's 1122 00:52:02.752 --> 00:52:03.854 Pontius Pilate and Judas, right? 1123 00:52:03.954 --> 00:52:05.455 Everyone thinks it's Pontius Pilate and Judas, 1124 00:52:05.522 --> 00:52:08.291 but no one--no one's talking about John the Baptist!" 1125 00:52:08.358 --> 00:52:09.960 [laughter] 1126 00:52:10.026 --> 00:52:12.129 "Why was he in Sedona? 1127 00:52:12.195 --> 00:52:14.197 Sedona, Arizona." 1128 00:52:14.297 --> 00:52:17.334 [laughter] 1129 00:52:17.434 --> 00:52:19.669 So the only place that we could ever hook up 1130 00:52:19.769 --> 00:52:22.038 was the back seat of my car. 1131 00:52:22.139 --> 00:52:24.941 Uh, I don't know if you've ever had car sex. It's not great. 1132 00:52:25.008 --> 00:52:26.643 Also, you're 18. 1133 00:52:26.710 --> 00:52:28.378 We remember that time with rose-colored glasses, 1134 00:52:28.478 --> 00:52:29.679 like...eh! 1135 00:52:29.779 --> 00:52:31.381 It's the worst sex you're having of your life. 1136 00:52:31.481 --> 00:52:33.483 [laughter] 1137 00:52:33.550 --> 00:52:35.452 This is why I've never understood 1138 00:52:35.519 --> 00:52:38.722 the male fantasy of wanting to hook up with a virgin. 1139 00:52:38.822 --> 00:52:40.690 I mean it. I don't get it. 1140 00:52:40.790 --> 00:52:44.027 Like, why is that good? There'll be those guys 1141 00:52:44.127 --> 00:52:45.662 that'll come to me, and they feel very comfortable saying, 1142 00:52:45.729 --> 00:52:48.698 "I hooked up with this chick. Virgin." 1143 00:52:48.798 --> 00:52:51.334 Gross. 1144 00:52:51.401 --> 00:52:53.336 Why is that good? 1145 00:52:53.403 --> 00:52:56.907 Sex has to be the only time where inexperience is desired. 1146 00:52:57.007 --> 00:52:59.809 I couldn't convince you guys to go to a concert tonight 1147 00:52:59.876 --> 00:53:01.344 and be like, "Oh, my God. 1148 00:53:01.411 --> 00:53:03.246 You have to go to the Hollywood Bowl. 1149 00:53:03.346 --> 00:53:07.817 There's this girl. She has... never played guitar before." 1150 00:53:07.884 --> 00:53:09.553 [laughter] 1151 00:53:09.653 --> 00:53:14.357 "She's gonna learn as she goes." Like, that sounds awful. 1152 00:53:14.424 --> 00:53:17.093 Will she at least be enjoying herself? 1153 00:53:17.194 --> 00:53:19.930 "No, she's actually gonna be in a lot of pain." 1154 00:53:20.030 --> 00:53:21.932 [laughter] 1155 00:53:22.032 --> 00:53:23.733 People actually show up to this? 1156 00:53:23.833 --> 00:53:27.270 "Actually, most guys will come early." 1157 00:53:27.370 --> 00:53:28.872 [laughter] 1158 00:53:28.939 --> 00:53:32.275 [cheers and applause] 1159 00:53:32.375 --> 00:53:33.944 I don't mean to put it on her. 1160 00:53:34.044 --> 00:53:37.914 I was the worst person that you could lose your virginity to. 1161 00:53:38.014 --> 00:53:41.785 I'd stolen my older sister's "Cosmopolitan" magazine. 1162 00:53:41.885 --> 00:53:44.254 "Seven tips to drive your partner wild." 1163 00:53:44.354 --> 00:53:46.957 Boom, these are going in the arsenal. 1164 00:53:47.057 --> 00:53:50.927 To drive your partner wild, you are su-- 1165 00:53:51.027 --> 00:53:52.262 This was what they published. To drive your partner wild, 1166 00:53:52.362 --> 00:53:56.800 you are supposed to kiss around their jawline 1167 00:53:56.900 --> 00:53:59.970 as you softly hum. 1168 00:54:00.070 --> 00:54:02.239 [laughter] 1169 00:54:02.305 --> 00:54:03.974 So... 1170 00:54:04.074 --> 00:54:07.744 [laughter continues] 1171 00:54:07.811 --> 00:54:10.480 ♪ Hmm-mm ♪ 1172 00:54:10.580 --> 00:54:12.582 [smooches] 1173 00:54:12.649 --> 00:54:14.818 ♪ Mmm-mm ♪ 1174 00:54:14.918 --> 00:54:18.788 I did this to a real human woman 1175 00:54:18.888 --> 00:54:22.325 that I had no intention of murdering. 1176 00:54:22.425 --> 00:54:24.928 [laughter] 1177 00:54:24.995 --> 00:54:26.930 And we would never park the car in places like Make-out Point 1178 00:54:26.997 --> 00:54:29.833 in the fear that our parents would catch us. Too obvious. 1179 00:54:29.933 --> 00:54:31.668 We'd always go way out to a desolate road 1180 00:54:31.768 --> 00:54:33.436 or an abandoned parking lot. 1181 00:54:33.503 --> 00:54:35.939 It's a longwinded way to basically say 1182 00:54:36.006 --> 00:54:39.075 I would take Mandy to my former cry spots. 1183 00:54:39.142 --> 00:54:40.810 [laughter] 1184 00:54:40.910 --> 00:54:42.345 Yeah. She was like, "How'd you find this place?" 1185 00:54:42.445 --> 00:54:44.247 I'd be like, "No more questions." 1186 00:54:44.314 --> 00:54:47.150 [laughter] 1187 00:54:47.250 --> 00:54:49.019 I had learned from my crying experience that 1188 00:54:49.119 --> 00:54:50.453 that these types of locations-- 1189 00:54:50.520 --> 00:54:52.289 they draw a lot of attention from the cops. 1190 00:54:52.355 --> 00:54:54.924 If they see a car parked in the middle of nowhere, 1191 00:54:54.991 --> 00:54:57.193 they're gonna investigate. They're gonna break us up. 1192 00:54:57.294 --> 00:54:58.862 So it was like, okay, I'm gonna do something so the cops 1193 00:54:58.962 --> 00:55:01.831 don't break us up. 1194 00:55:01.931 --> 00:55:03.867 I invented this very real thing 1195 00:55:03.967 --> 00:55:06.603 that Mandy affectionately named "junk blanket." 1196 00:55:06.670 --> 00:55:08.638 [sighs] Stay with me. 1197 00:55:08.705 --> 00:55:10.707 I have a replica. Let me show you. 1198 00:55:10.807 --> 00:55:13.209 So...what junk blanket was... 1199 00:55:13.310 --> 00:55:17.547 [sighs] was an unzipped sleeping bag 1200 00:55:17.647 --> 00:55:21.318 that I had personally hand-sewn, 1201 00:55:21.384 --> 00:55:24.354 mostly duct-taped a bunch of old clothes to the outside of. 1202 00:55:24.454 --> 00:55:27.223 This way, when the cops would pull up on our car 1203 00:55:27.324 --> 00:55:29.225 and shine the light through the window, 1204 00:55:29.326 --> 00:55:31.294 I could just pull the junk blanket 1205 00:55:31.361 --> 00:55:32.462 over Mandy and myself, 1206 00:55:32.529 --> 00:55:34.497 cop would look through the window 1207 00:55:34.564 --> 00:55:40.070 and think, "Oh, there's just a pile of junk back there... 1208 00:55:40.170 --> 00:55:41.805 that happens to be steaming. 1209 00:55:41.871 --> 00:55:44.908 On with my patrol." 1210 00:55:45.008 --> 00:55:49.079 So one night, Mandy and I 1211 00:55:49.179 --> 00:55:51.915 were out in our favorite desolate road. 1212 00:55:52.015 --> 00:55:55.018 There's not a car in a mile in each direction. 1213 00:55:55.085 --> 00:55:58.588 There's no streetlights, just the stars. 1214 00:55:58.688 --> 00:56:00.990 And we're in the back seat, 1215 00:56:01.057 --> 00:56:02.859 having the worst sex of our lives. 1216 00:56:02.926 --> 00:56:05.395 [laughter] 1217 00:56:05.495 --> 00:56:08.932 ♪ Mmm-mm ♪ 1218 00:56:09.032 --> 00:56:11.234 Halfway through, 1219 00:56:11.334 --> 00:56:13.269 30 seconds in... 1220 00:56:13.370 --> 00:56:15.605 [laughter] 1221 00:56:15.705 --> 00:56:18.608 [cheers and applause] 1222 00:56:18.708 --> 00:56:21.611 ...this car pulls up right behind us. 1223 00:56:21.711 --> 00:56:25.048 Just the headlights are shining through the back window. 1224 00:56:25.115 --> 00:56:27.117 I'm like, "Oh, shit. That's the cops." 1225 00:56:27.217 --> 00:56:28.952 I pulled junk blanket from the hatchback of my car 1226 00:56:29.052 --> 00:56:31.087 over Mandy and myself. 1227 00:56:31.187 --> 00:56:33.623 As the cops get out, they're talking to each other, 1228 00:56:33.723 --> 00:56:35.892 and it starts to sound a lot less like cops 1229 00:56:35.959 --> 00:56:37.594 and a lot more just like four sketchy guys 1230 00:56:37.694 --> 00:56:41.064 that mean to do us or this car some kind of harm. 1231 00:56:41.131 --> 00:56:43.767 I completely freeze in this situation. 1232 00:56:43.867 --> 00:56:45.935 This is not gonna go well for me, 1233 00:56:46.035 --> 00:56:47.537 unless there's some sort of tickle-off, 1234 00:56:47.604 --> 00:56:49.472 I'm not gonna win this fight. 1235 00:56:49.572 --> 00:56:53.877 The only saving grace is that we're safe inside the car. 1236 00:56:53.943 --> 00:56:55.311 They tried to open the driver's side door. 1237 00:56:55.412 --> 00:56:58.081 It's locked. My heart begins to race. 1238 00:56:58.148 --> 00:56:59.783 Mandy's eyes begin to well with tears, 1239 00:56:59.883 --> 00:57:02.252 makes all that black mascara run. 1240 00:57:02.318 --> 00:57:04.320 And then it's completely silent 1241 00:57:04.421 --> 00:57:09.826 except for the sound of metal scraping on concrete. 1242 00:57:09.926 --> 00:57:12.562 I peek my head over junk blanket, 1243 00:57:12.629 --> 00:57:15.265 and just over my head, boom, a metal shovel 1244 00:57:15.331 --> 00:57:17.133 comes through the driver's side window, 1245 00:57:17.233 --> 00:57:18.835 spraying glass everywhere. 1246 00:57:18.935 --> 00:57:21.838 We are no longer safe. They are inside the car. 1247 00:57:21.938 --> 00:57:24.607 And it quickly dawns on me that they have no idea 1248 00:57:24.674 --> 00:57:26.075 that we're inside the car. 1249 00:57:26.142 --> 00:57:27.644 They thought the car was abandoned. 1250 00:57:27.744 --> 00:57:30.280 They were gonna steal the radio, whatever valuables were inside. 1251 00:57:30.346 --> 00:57:33.650 Junk blanket has worked too well. 1252 00:57:33.750 --> 00:57:35.151 So now we need to do something. 1253 00:57:35.251 --> 00:57:38.188 We need to do something just to make our presence known, 1254 00:57:38.288 --> 00:57:40.123 like, hey, human beings are in here, 1255 00:57:40.190 --> 00:57:41.691 and Mandy is just looking at me like, 1256 00:57:41.791 --> 00:57:43.193 "Aren't you gonna do something?" 1257 00:57:43.293 --> 00:57:46.129 And I'm looking at Mandy. "Aren't you gonna do something?" 1258 00:57:46.196 --> 00:57:50.033 So I am trying to say to these guys, 1259 00:57:50.133 --> 00:57:51.201 "What do you want from us?!" 1260 00:57:51.301 --> 00:57:54.170 [laughter] 1261 00:57:54.270 --> 00:57:57.874 But...I am so scared, 1262 00:57:57.974 --> 00:58:00.310 the only thing that can come out of my body 1263 00:58:00.376 --> 00:58:03.046 is this mixture of, like, half breath, 1264 00:58:03.146 --> 00:58:05.348 half just a fear sound. 1265 00:58:05.448 --> 00:58:07.884 So now it's this barely audible, just... 1266 00:58:07.984 --> 00:58:10.987 [breathily] "What do you want? 1267 00:58:11.054 --> 00:58:12.489 [mumbling] What do you want from us? 1268 00:58:12.555 --> 00:58:13.990 [grunts] 1269 00:58:14.057 --> 00:58:15.492 [mumbling] What do you want from us?" 1270 00:58:15.558 --> 00:58:17.694 And it's so frustrating. It feels like a bad dream, 1271 00:58:17.794 --> 00:58:20.864 like your mouth is moving, but no sound is coming out. 1272 00:58:20.964 --> 00:58:22.699 I need to do something at this point 1273 00:58:22.799 --> 00:58:26.369 just to make some kind of sound, and I think back to cheer camp. 1274 00:58:26.469 --> 00:58:28.238 [laughter] 1275 00:58:28.338 --> 00:58:30.473 [chanting weakly] "Make noise, make noise." 1276 00:58:30.540 --> 00:58:32.909 And before I know it, I am outside the vehicle, 1277 00:58:33.009 --> 00:58:35.678 and I get to look at one of these guys in the face 1278 00:58:35.745 --> 00:58:40.884 for the first time, and they look more scared than I do. 1279 00:58:40.984 --> 00:58:42.719 I realize now what they are seeing. 1280 00:58:42.819 --> 00:58:47.857 My face is now covered in Mandy's running black mascara. 1281 00:58:47.924 --> 00:58:50.760 I am butt-naked, except for a baggy green condom, 1282 00:58:50.860 --> 00:58:54.998 clapping at these guys on a desolate road, going, 1283 00:58:55.064 --> 00:58:57.867 [muttering] "What do you want from us?! 1284 00:58:57.934 --> 00:59:00.236 What do you want from us?! What do you want from us?! 1285 00:59:00.336 --> 00:59:01.371 What do you want from us?! 1286 00:59:01.437 --> 00:59:04.107 What the fuck do you want from us?!" 1287 00:59:04.207 --> 00:59:05.575 [cheers and applause] 1288 00:59:05.675 --> 00:59:10.079 They are so freaked out. They are so freaked out. 1289 00:59:10.179 --> 00:59:12.582 They get back in their car, and they speed off, 1290 00:59:12.682 --> 00:59:15.785 because crazy beats scary! 1291 00:59:15.885 --> 00:59:19.122 [loud cheers and applause] 1292 00:59:19.222 --> 00:59:21.257 Thank you so much! 1293 00:59:21.357 --> 00:59:23.459 This is fantastic. 1294 00:59:23.560 --> 00:59:27.897 [cheers and applause continue] 1295 00:59:27.964 --> 00:59:31.601 ♪♪♪ 1296 00:59:31.701 --> 00:59:33.636 Part two. 1297 00:59:33.736 --> 00:59:36.306 The reason that we were so poor growing up 1298 00:59:36.406 --> 00:59:40.743 is my parents were members of an unsuccessful cult. 1299 00:59:40.810 --> 00:59:44.147 [laughter] 1300 00:59:44.247 --> 00:59:47.216 ♪♪♪