WEBVTT FILE

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Downloaded from
YTS.MX

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Official YIFY movies site:
YTS.MX

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[Lori Jo] <i>Talk, talk.</i>

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Hello there, everybody.

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-That sounds good to me...
-[Lori Jo] <i>Okay.</i>

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-...through my earphones...
-[Lori Jo] <i>All right. Good.</i>

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[Lori Jo] <i>The boom's a little loud.</i>
<i>I'll turn that down.</i>

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<i>Just give me a second.</i>

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[dog barking]

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[Norm] <i>Lori Jo.</i>

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Do you like where my hand comes in?

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[Lori Jo] <i>I'm not watching the camera.</i>

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Oh. Okay.

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-[Lori Jo] <i>Testing, testing.</i>
-[Norm] <i>Testing, testing.</i>

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[Norm] <i>We don't know where...</i>

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-[Lori Jo] <i>You were talking about...</i>
-[Norm] <i>I know where.</i>

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[Norm] <i>Okay.</i>

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Hey, everybody.
It's Norm Macdonald.

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And this is my comedy special.

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That's right.

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Now, of course I'm looking forward
to getting back out there, you know.

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Seeing you folks in person, you know.

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I love doing gigs.

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And I miss it. My God, I miss it.

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Especially casinos.

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Those were my favorite gigs

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because I'm a degenerate gambler
as it turns out.

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I think the casinos know that.

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Often they'll pay me in chips.

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Which I find... that's not nice, you know?

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Sometimes they'll just give me
a real big chip.

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They'll go, "Here you go!"

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Then they break it in half.
They go, "Have fun!"

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I go, "Goddamn, guys."

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That's not nice.

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But, anyways,

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I prefer the Indian casinos.

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That's what I like.

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You know? Because
I don't want to give my money...

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If I'm gonna lose money,
and I'm gonna lose money,

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I don't want to do it in Las Vegas
to a bunch of corporate businessmen.

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I would rather go to an Indian casino

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and lose it to the Native Americans.

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You know?

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On account of my forefathers

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systematically murdered them
years ago.

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Which looking back on it...
way out of line.

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Way out of line.

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Anyways, I look at it
as a form of reparations. You know?

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I tell you, I've done my part,
Goddamn it.

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Probably done your part too.

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Anyways... I love casinos.

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I was in Las Vegas,
the last time I was there...

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People go to Vegas sometimes
and they got a system. You know?

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They go, "I got a system,
I'm gonna break the bank

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'cause I figured out a system."

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And oftentimes these systems
actually do not work at all.

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And I think that I saw

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the unraveling of a system.

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Sometimes all you need to hear
is like a snippet of conversation

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and you can infer
from that information, more.

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You know what I'm saying?
For instance,

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one time I walked past
these two homeless guys.

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One guy said to the other,

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"When the fuck were you ever goaltender
for the Montreal Canadians?"

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He was tired of the horseshit.
It was the last straw.

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But anyways, I think I heard

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what was the unraveling
of a system.

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On account of I got in the elevator,

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it was going down,

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and then a couple got on,
a man and a woman.

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And then tension, you know?

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So it was just the four of us.

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And we're going down the elevator.

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Out of the blue, out of nowhere,

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the man says to the woman,

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"I don't give a fuck what I said,
give me the money."

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"That's my money."

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So I believe, I'm only inferring,

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once again, I have no proof that that...

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But here's the thing about gambling.

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It's irrational, you know?

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You gotta-- you can't be rational
to actually gamble,

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because it doesn't make no sense,
you know?

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And I remember I was at the--
one time I got...

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I went-- I was walking down

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and I saw a roulette table.

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Now, I don't know if you know
the game of roulette.

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How could you not know
the game of roulette?

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[laughs]

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It's not that hard.

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But anyways,
I put a hundred dollars on black.

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You know? And the little silver ball
spun around the wheel and everything,

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and then it landed on red.

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This is what I said,

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"Fuck, I almost picked that!"

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But I do miss being out on the road,
you know?

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Seeing you folks live, you know?

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I mean, I'm all alone looking in the TV.

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It doesn't make much sense.

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But what-- that's what it is.

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You know, I'll tell you one thing
I don't miss is airplanes.

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I don't like airplanes.

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I finally figured out why.

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After years of therapy I figured out
why I don't care for the airplanes.

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I don't like the crashing and dying
in the airplane.

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That's what it is.
You know?

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Hey, by the way, I got a little tip
for you if you fly on an airplane.

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Always pick the exit row.

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Choose the exit row.

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That way you get the extra two,
three inches of legroom.

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And all you have to do
to get the exit row is to lie.

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That's right.

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You just lie.

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You know?
The stewardess comes up.

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Flight attendant!

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[laughs]

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Flight attendant.

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I apologize. Words are different now.

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When I was young,
if you were a flight attendant,

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and you were a lady,

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we would call you a stewardess.

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And, if you were a flight attendant
and you were a man,

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we would call you a...

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Wait, what?

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What are you guys thinking?

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Good Lord!

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What's wrong with you? I'm outraged.

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I'm outraged, I tell you.

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I'm outraged at what you are thinking

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just 'cause I pause for a second.

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I was going to say a steward.

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If you were a flight attendant
and you were a male,

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we used to call you a steward.

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You know?

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But words have changed, folks.

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That's the way things go, man.

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They are always gonna be different.

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You know, words, they change.

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That's why I can't understand
goddamn Shakespeare.

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You know?

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I remember one time
when I was a little boy,

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I went up to my dad.
I said, "Dad, I think I'm a little girl."

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And he said,
"I thought you had a cock."

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I was like, "Oh, yeah. You got me."

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Now, the only reason I tell you that

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is to show how hateful we were back then.

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You know what I'm saying?

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My dad-- now, every person knows
that people are nuanced.

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They're not all evil or all good.
You know?

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My dad did good stuff, you know?

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He was in the Second World War.

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You know, he fought Hitler.

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I mean, he had help. It wasn't like
he had a fistfight with Hitler.

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But I'm saying he liberated us
from what could have been

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the icy grip of Nazism.

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How about that?

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So that was his good side, you know?

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His evil side was this crazy idea he had

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that having a cock had something to do
with being a boy.

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I don't even know where he could come up
with such an idea.

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Nowadays, we can't even wrap our heads
around that kind of thinking.

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But people used to actually think that.

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Isn't that something?

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Now, in other ways,
my father was very progressive.

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For instance,
we had a gender neutral bathroom.

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You know? I used it, my brother used it,

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my sister used it, my mother used it.

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Anybody. It didn't matter
what gender you were.

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You know what I was way ahead on?

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Slut-shaming.

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I was always, always against that.

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I remember telling the fellas
in high school, I'd go,

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"Guys, I think we're making
a big mistake

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by shaming the sluts."

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You see, here's what is my concern.

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I feel if we shame them too much
they might stop becoming sluts.

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You know?

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And further ladies
might not want to be sluts either.

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I have a different idea.

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Other than shaming the sluts,
it's a different, it's a bold idea,

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I say we take the sluts
and we put them on our shoulders.

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And we go, "Oh, hail the slut!"

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<i>♪ For she's a jolly good slut ♪</i>

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That kind of thing, you know?

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So I was way ahead of it, man,
way ahead of it.

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But anyway, that's not what
I was talking about.

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What the hell was I talking about?
Oh, yeah, the airplane.

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Yes, yes, the airplane.

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Man, I don't understand it, you know?

191
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They make all their announcements,
you know?

192
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What are they?

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Why do they think we still believe
that horseshit?

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You know? I heard one.

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I guess I just zone out
because I haven't heard it before.

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They say, "If your oxygen masks
happen to fall,

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make sure to put
your oxygen mask on first

198
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before you put the oxygen mask
of the little boy."

199
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And then, I'd go,
"Yeah, that was my fucking plan.

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You didn't have to tell everybody,
blabbermouth."

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I don't know why
they think we're going to believe them.

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They'll say, "Listen...

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I know we're flying over
the Pacific Ocean,

204
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but don't worry, on account of if we
happen to crash into the Pacific ocean,

205
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the seat cushions
are not only seat cushions,

206
00:10:40.806 --> 00:10:43.893
they are also boats."

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Yep, they're boats.

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All the time, you turn on the TV
and the guy goes,

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"Well, a plane crashed in the Atlantic,
but it's all right,

210
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everybody listened to that lady
so they're all on their boats."

211
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People are going,
"Goddamn, why'd I buy that boat?

212
00:11:03.412 --> 00:11:06.290
I should have just got a fleet
of seat cushions.

213
00:11:06.374 --> 00:11:08.334
I would have saved all kinds of money."

214
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[small chuckle]

215
00:11:12.171 --> 00:11:14.298
Here's the thing. If you crash,

216
00:11:14.382 --> 00:11:15.966
let's be honest for a second.

217
00:11:16.050 --> 00:11:19.220
If you crash in an airplane,
you got zero chance of survival.

218
00:11:19.303 --> 00:11:22.681
They'll take pictures of crash sites,
take videos.

219
00:11:22.765 --> 00:11:25.059
You know? And they don't
even see anything.

220
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Because at that point
you become just dematerialized.

221
00:11:30.815 --> 00:11:34.110
You know? You're nothing,
you're stuff, basically.

222
00:11:34.193 --> 00:11:38.781
"Ashes to ashes, stuff to stuff,"
as the Scriptures say.

223
00:11:39.240 --> 00:11:41.200
You know? And, uh...

224
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and then the victims, they're called
remains, you know, but stuff.

225
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And the victims' families
always want the remains.

226
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They go, "Oh, I can't go to sleep because
I keep thinking of poor Kevin

227
00:11:55.673 --> 00:11:58.217
and his last moments on this Earth.

228
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Spiraling downwards
towards certain death. Oh!

229
00:12:02.388 --> 00:12:05.766
Oh, if only I could see his remains.

230
00:12:06.851 --> 00:12:08.602
Then I'd have a good sleep.

231
00:12:08.686 --> 00:12:11.814
Oh, I'd sleep soundly that night.

232
00:12:11.897 --> 00:12:15.109
Then I get closure
and just forget this whole thing."

233
00:12:15.192 --> 00:12:17.862
I don't understand it,
but that's what they say.

234
00:12:17.945 --> 00:12:21.615
And really, do you think you're going to
get Kevin if you're Kevin's mother?

235
00:12:21.699 --> 00:12:23.826
Do you think they're going to go
on a plane and go,

236
00:12:23.909 --> 00:12:25.995
"Hey, look at that. Look over there.

237
00:12:26.078 --> 00:12:29.415
Doesn't that look like Kevin's hair?

238
00:12:29.498 --> 00:12:34.211
That lock of golden blonde--
That looks like Kevin's hair."

239
00:12:34.295 --> 00:12:37.047
"Fred, didn't you see
Kevin's thigh bone earlier?

240
00:12:37.131 --> 00:12:38.257
Let's reconstruct him."

241
00:12:38.340 --> 00:12:40.217
No, that's not what they do.

242
00:12:40.301 --> 00:12:41.343
You know?

243
00:12:41.844 --> 00:12:45.097
Best thing they can do,
maybe they'll find your ID.

244
00:12:46.182 --> 00:12:49.518
"Look, it says Norm Macdonald.

245
00:12:49.602 --> 00:12:52.688
It says he weighs 190 pounds.

246
00:12:52.771 --> 00:12:56.942
Okay, shovel 190 pounds
of stuff into a bag

247
00:12:57.026 --> 00:13:00.279
and write Norm on the side of that one,

248
00:13:00.362 --> 00:13:01.697
and hurry up.

249
00:13:01.780 --> 00:13:05.451
Daylight's burning
and his mother wants it."

250
00:13:05.534 --> 00:13:06.994
Then my mother gets it.

251
00:13:07.077 --> 00:13:11.415
"Oh, look at that! That's Norm.
How about that?

252
00:13:11.499 --> 00:13:13.918
I don't remember Norm having three ears.

253
00:13:15.377 --> 00:13:16.629
Oh, well.

254
00:13:16.712 --> 00:13:21.133
I guess none of us really knew him
when you get down to it."

255
00:13:22.676 --> 00:13:27.848
The only time it seems you ever survive
an airplane crash

256
00:13:27.932 --> 00:13:30.392
is if you crash into the Andes.

257
00:13:30.476 --> 00:13:32.645
You know? That's even worse.

258
00:13:32.728 --> 00:13:37.775
Because, you know, you--
then you have to fight

259
00:13:37.858 --> 00:13:41.111
with the moral quandary of cannibalism.

260
00:13:41.987 --> 00:13:43.989
Which I am against, by the way.

261
00:13:44.073 --> 00:13:46.492
If you know anything about my work,

262
00:13:47.117 --> 00:13:53.916
you will know my tireless devotion
to the anti-cannibalism cause.

263
00:13:53.999 --> 00:13:57.169
But I'm not going to use this
as a bully pulpit.

264
00:13:57.253 --> 00:14:02.049
Most of you are adults and you've cemented
your views on cannibalism.

265
00:14:02.132 --> 00:14:04.468
I like to go for the kids, you know?

266
00:14:04.552 --> 00:14:05.636
The young people.

267
00:14:05.719 --> 00:14:09.014
I go all across this great country,
and I go to the schools

268
00:14:09.098 --> 00:14:11.016
and I talk to the children, you know?

269
00:14:11.100 --> 00:14:12.601
And I tell them, I go, "Listen...

270
00:14:12.685 --> 00:14:18.774
you might think it's cool to eat
your buddy in Algebra class.

271
00:14:18.857 --> 00:14:22.987
I'm not going to lie to you, you will be
the talk of the school for a few years,

272
00:14:23.070 --> 00:14:25.698
but what about the future?

273
00:14:25.781 --> 00:14:27.575
What about the future?" I tell them.

274
00:14:29.076 --> 00:14:31.996
Here's the problem with crashing
in the Andes

275
00:14:32.079 --> 00:14:36.876
and having to resort to cannibalism is
they take so long to decide.

276
00:14:36.959 --> 00:14:38.085
You know what I mean?

277
00:14:38.168 --> 00:14:42.590
They go, "Oh, I don't want to eat a guy!
Oh, I can't do it." You know?

278
00:14:42.673 --> 00:14:43.841
And, uh...

279
00:14:44.425 --> 00:14:47.261
"I can't eat the copilot, I can't do it."
You know?

280
00:14:47.595 --> 00:14:51.390
And then days go by, I go,
"Hey, maybe we should eat the copilot."

281
00:14:51.473 --> 00:14:52.850
You know? And, uh...

282
00:14:53.267 --> 00:14:57.605
finally, they are maddened by hunger
and they just attack...

283
00:14:57.688 --> 00:14:58.647
[screams]

284
00:14:58.731 --> 00:15:03.319
And they got copilot blood all over them,
copilot viscera

285
00:15:03.402 --> 00:15:07.031
falling out of their mouth on their
pink shirts, you know?

286
00:15:07.489 --> 00:15:08.532
And...

287
00:15:09.408 --> 00:15:10.826
that's no way to eat.

288
00:15:13.120 --> 00:15:14.371
You can't gorge.

289
00:15:14.455 --> 00:15:16.165
Any dietician will tell you.

290
00:15:16.248 --> 00:15:17.625
You cannot gorge.

291
00:15:17.708 --> 00:15:21.170
The thing to do is graze.
That's the right way to eat.

292
00:15:21.253 --> 00:15:22.171
You know?

293
00:15:22.254 --> 00:15:26.550
You wake up, you have a small meal
of copilot.

294
00:15:27.843 --> 00:15:32.514
Then, around lunchtime,
you have a small meal of copilot.

295
00:15:33.390 --> 00:15:37.102
Then, around I think about six times
during the whole day,

296
00:15:37.186 --> 00:15:41.273
you have a small portion of copilot.

297
00:15:43.108 --> 00:15:46.320
Any dietician will tell you, I tell you,

298
00:15:46.403 --> 00:15:47.863
not that I'm a dietician.

299
00:15:47.947 --> 00:15:50.240
I don't pretend to be a dietician.

300
00:15:51.033 --> 00:15:52.785
Well, sometimes I do, but...

301
00:15:53.369 --> 00:15:55.245
it's only to get the ladies, you know?

302
00:15:55.746 --> 00:15:57.122
The big fat ladies.

303
00:15:57.206 --> 00:16:02.586
I go up, I go, "Hey, you want to go
on a diet? On account of I'm a dietician."

304
00:16:02.670 --> 00:16:05.297
And then they leave with me sometimes.

305
00:16:05.381 --> 00:16:09.593
Sometimes they just get angry, you know?

306
00:16:09.677 --> 00:16:10.761
I don't know.

307
00:16:12.221 --> 00:16:16.225
But, I don't even know
what I was talking about.

308
00:16:16.308 --> 00:16:18.769
Weren't we talking about slut-shaming?

309
00:16:18.852 --> 00:16:19.937
I don't know.

310
00:16:20.020 --> 00:16:21.355
Nobody knows anymore.

311
00:16:22.106 --> 00:16:24.233
Oh, I know, yes, the airplane!

312
00:16:24.316 --> 00:16:27.861
Yes. You know, you... this is the thing.

313
00:16:27.945 --> 00:16:31.573
You gotta be ready for anything
life throws you in this here world.

314
00:16:31.657 --> 00:16:33.867
That's what I've learned as I've aged.

315
00:16:33.951 --> 00:16:36.328
You know? And I'm ready. Like cannibalism?

316
00:16:36.412 --> 00:16:39.707
I know what I would do in the Andes
on account of

317
00:16:39.790 --> 00:16:42.209
I've thought it over.

318
00:16:42.292 --> 00:16:44.211
I've thought over my position.

319
00:16:44.294 --> 00:16:45.629
You see what I mean?

320
00:16:45.713 --> 00:16:49.466
Like I flew in from Vegas,
I remember, one time,

321
00:16:49.550 --> 00:16:51.719
and there was some turbulence.

322
00:16:51.802 --> 00:16:54.763
And I was like,
"I'm eating that fucking fourteen year--"

323
00:16:54.847 --> 00:16:58.559
[dog barking]

324
00:17:01.603 --> 00:17:03.564
The thing is, you got to be ready.

325
00:17:03.647 --> 00:17:08.152
You got to be ready for anything this
world throws at you. You know?

326
00:17:08.235 --> 00:17:11.447
And, you know...
and I am, you know?

327
00:17:11.530 --> 00:17:15.909
Like, I remember one time I was flying
from Vegas to LA

328
00:17:15.993 --> 00:17:17.578
and there was a little turbulence,

329
00:17:17.661 --> 00:17:22.916
and I remember I said,
"I'm going to eat that fucker in 14-A."

330
00:17:23.000 --> 00:17:25.127
Oh, that guy looked delicious.

331
00:17:25.210 --> 00:17:26.295
[smacks lips]

332
00:17:26.378 --> 00:17:27.421
Big fat guy!

333
00:17:28.088 --> 00:17:29.339
[laughs]

334
00:17:30.674 --> 00:17:36.680
But, anyways,
enough of this grim nonsense.

335
00:17:36.764 --> 00:17:39.850
You know what I mean?
We got problems in this country.

336
00:17:39.933 --> 00:17:43.270
For instance, systematic racism.

337
00:17:43.353 --> 00:17:46.231
And here's the problem,
nobody thinks they're racist.

338
00:17:46.315 --> 00:17:48.192
I remember I was in Portland one time.

339
00:17:48.275 --> 00:17:49.777
Portland, Oregon.

340
00:17:50.277 --> 00:17:54.823
And the driver picked me up
to take me to the gig.

341
00:17:54.907 --> 00:17:57.076
I got off the airplane,
the driver's driving.

342
00:17:57.159 --> 00:18:00.329
And we're driving through downtown
Portland and he says,

343
00:18:00.412 --> 00:18:04.166
"You know, we got no racists in Portland.
No racism at all."

344
00:18:04.249 --> 00:18:07.961
And I looked around, everyone was white.

345
00:18:08.045 --> 00:18:09.213
You know? [chuckles]

346
00:18:09.296 --> 00:18:13.842
So I said to the guy, I said,
"Well, it's pretty easy not be racist

347
00:18:13.926 --> 00:18:15.636
when everybody's white."

348
00:18:15.719 --> 00:18:19.723
And then the guy says to me, he goes,
"We got our share."

349
00:18:19.807 --> 00:18:22.518
I'm like, "Good Lord!"

350
00:18:22.601 --> 00:18:24.228
"We got our share."

351
00:18:24.311 --> 00:18:25.395
That's not right.

352
00:18:27.189 --> 00:18:32.653
Why are all-- not all,
but a lot of drivers for some reason,

353
00:18:33.237 --> 00:18:35.405
like taxi drivers and something,

354
00:18:35.489 --> 00:18:37.991
turn out to be racists, you know?

355
00:18:38.075 --> 00:18:40.285
That's what I hear a lot of,
'cause I don't drive,

356
00:18:40.369 --> 00:18:42.079
so I'll get in a cab and the guy'll go,

357
00:18:42.162 --> 00:18:44.039
"You know what's wrong
with this country, don't you?"

358
00:18:44.123 --> 00:18:46.542
And I go, "I got an idea. So what is it?"

359
00:18:46.625 --> 00:18:52.256
You ever have it when the guy says it
and you don't even know which race it is?

360
00:18:52.339 --> 00:18:53.757
Like I had a guy once, he goes,

361
00:18:53.841 --> 00:18:55.425
"You know what's the problem
in this country?"

362
00:18:55.509 --> 00:18:57.261
I go, "Tell me."

363
00:18:57.344 --> 00:19:00.389
He goes, "Too many goddamn scuddleheads."

364
00:19:01.348 --> 00:19:02.766
I was like, "Huh?"

365
00:19:02.850 --> 00:19:06.812
So I looked it up in the dictionary,
in Wikipedia.

366
00:19:06.895 --> 00:19:08.021
Everywhere.

367
00:19:08.105 --> 00:19:09.439
I found scuddle.

368
00:19:09.523 --> 00:19:10.732
I found head.

369
00:19:10.816 --> 00:19:13.360
And I tried to put them together.
I couldn't understand it.

370
00:19:13.443 --> 00:19:16.321
I've asked people of every race.

371
00:19:16.405 --> 00:19:20.325
And no one has ever heard
of the term "scuddlehead."

372
00:19:21.368 --> 00:19:26.915
By the way, I would be fine if we just
blamed all our problems

373
00:19:26.999 --> 00:19:29.126
on the scuddleheads.

374
00:19:29.209 --> 00:19:31.962
You know what I mean?
Just make them the scapegoats.

375
00:19:32.045 --> 00:19:33.130
Why not?

376
00:19:33.213 --> 00:19:37.301
As a matter of fact, why not make
the goats the scapegoats?

377
00:19:37.384 --> 00:19:38.510
Like in the old days.

378
00:19:39.178 --> 00:19:41.138
Yeah, sacrifice a goat.

379
00:19:41.221 --> 00:19:42.598
Make it his problem.

380
00:19:43.140 --> 00:19:46.476
He's-- that's the one that's at fault.

381
00:19:46.560 --> 00:19:48.729
That goat eating a tin can.

382
00:19:50.022 --> 00:19:53.233
But anyways,
I'm not here to talk about goats.

383
00:19:53.317 --> 00:19:54.985
I don't know why I'm here.

384
00:19:55.068 --> 00:19:56.445
[soft chuckle]

385
00:19:56.528 --> 00:19:59.781
You know what I've noticed lately?
Everybody has an opinion.

386
00:19:59.865 --> 00:20:01.408
And I, you know,

387
00:20:01.491 --> 00:20:04.328
when I was young,
it wasn't that way, you know?

388
00:20:04.411 --> 00:20:08.165
People would have maybe, I don't know,
six opinions. You know?

389
00:20:09.333 --> 00:20:12.211
Sometime you'd meet a guy,
he'd have eight opinions.

390
00:20:12.294 --> 00:20:14.713
You'd go, "Goddamn!
That guy's opinionated!"

391
00:20:15.631 --> 00:20:19.718
But about six opinions... and most
of them were about food, you know?

392
00:20:19.801 --> 00:20:21.637
To tell you the truth.

393
00:20:21.720 --> 00:20:24.932
People would go, "Count Chocula?
What the fuck's wrong with you?"

394
00:20:25.015 --> 00:20:26.016
Stuff like that.

395
00:20:26.975 --> 00:20:29.770
You know, I mean, I have opinions...

396
00:20:29.853 --> 00:20:32.481
I mean, I have opinions
that everybody holds.

397
00:20:32.564 --> 00:20:34.983
You know? Like, I don't know.

398
00:20:36.026 --> 00:20:37.861
Yellow's the best color. You know?

399
00:20:37.945 --> 00:20:40.739
I don't know if you'd call that
an opinion. It's just a...

400
00:20:40.822 --> 00:20:42.115
[phone ringing]

401
00:20:42.199 --> 00:20:43.742
Oh, hold on, it's my phone.

402
00:20:43.825 --> 00:20:45.702
[phone continues ringing]

403
00:20:47.579 --> 00:20:48.413
Hello.

404
00:20:49.581 --> 00:20:52.834
I got to phone you back on account of
I'm doing a special.

405
00:20:54.086 --> 00:20:56.296
On the TV. Comedy special.

406
00:20:56.380 --> 00:20:57.798
So I'll call you back, okay?

407
00:20:58.799 --> 00:20:59.841
Okay.

408
00:21:01.510 --> 00:21:03.262
Sorry about that, guys.

409
00:21:03.345 --> 00:21:08.267
Anyways, I was saying,
I don't got really no opinions

410
00:21:08.350 --> 00:21:11.979
and I know a lot of people
don't have opinions

411
00:21:12.062 --> 00:21:13.855
on account of I see it on the TV.

412
00:21:13.939 --> 00:21:16.400
Like, I'll watch CNN
and they'll ask a question.

413
00:21:16.483 --> 00:21:18.277
Sometimes it's tough. They'll say,

414
00:21:18.360 --> 00:21:23.865
"What do you think of that
Southeast Asian sea treaty?

415
00:21:23.949 --> 00:21:28.704
How do you think that'll affect the gross
national product of Singapore?"

416
00:21:28.787 --> 00:21:30.080
And...

417
00:21:30.831 --> 00:21:34.084
Anyways, at the end
they ask that question.

418
00:21:34.167 --> 00:21:36.837
"Do you think it's good, yes or no?"

419
00:21:36.920 --> 00:21:40.757
And then at the end they show the answer.
I'm a sucker for a poll.

420
00:21:40.841 --> 00:21:46.013
So, I always like to-- I take, you know,
I take part in...

421
00:21:46.096 --> 00:21:48.932
at the end you always see the same thing.

422
00:21:49.016 --> 00:21:53.603
It'll be like, they'll show the poll and
it's in like a pie chart.

423
00:21:53.687 --> 00:21:56.189
You'll go, "Goddamn!
I wish I had some pie!"

424
00:21:56.273 --> 00:22:00.193
Anyway, they show a pie chart and it will
be like 45 percent yes.

425
00:22:00.277 --> 00:22:02.070
45 percent no.

426
00:22:02.154 --> 00:22:05.157
Ten percent: "I don't know."

427
00:22:06.491 --> 00:22:08.076
So that's fine, you know?

428
00:22:08.160 --> 00:22:11.371
I'm not ashamed of being part
of the ten percent.

429
00:22:11.455 --> 00:22:15.250
You know? Sounds small,
but ten percent of this great country,

430
00:22:15.334 --> 00:22:20.714
that's 35 million people that don't know.
That's fine.

431
00:22:22.382 --> 00:22:24.426
And I'm a sucker, man, I always...

432
00:22:24.509 --> 00:22:27.387
anytime I see
one of those polls, I phone up.

433
00:22:27.471 --> 00:22:31.141
I go, "Hello, is this the TV?

434
00:22:32.309 --> 00:22:34.227
Yeah, you asked a question earlier.

435
00:22:35.771 --> 00:22:36.855
I don't know.

436
00:22:36.938 --> 00:22:38.899
I don't know the answer to the question.

437
00:22:40.984 --> 00:22:43.028
Listen, I got a question for you.

438
00:22:43.111 --> 00:22:45.280
What did that second word mean, anyway?

439
00:22:46.448 --> 00:22:47.657
It did?

440
00:22:47.741 --> 00:22:48.784
[chuckles]

441
00:22:48.909 --> 00:22:53.872
All right, I better end up in that poll
that looks like a pie, fella.

442
00:22:54.581 --> 00:22:56.249
I'm no sap."

443
00:22:56.333 --> 00:22:59.294
And then I hang up... my phone.

444
00:23:00.670 --> 00:23:05.383
But, I tell you, man, you got to,
especially when elections are around,

445
00:23:05.467 --> 00:23:06.927
you got to have a lot of...

446
00:23:07.010 --> 00:23:10.305
When you're a comedian,
they expect you to know things nowadays.

447
00:23:10.388 --> 00:23:12.349
You know what I mean?
It didn't used to be like that.

448
00:23:12.432 --> 00:23:14.726
During the Vietnam War,
they wouldn't go,

449
00:23:14.810 --> 00:23:17.312
"I wonder what Red Skelton
thinks on this."

450
00:23:17.395 --> 00:23:20.148
But nowadays, I've heard-- they go,

451
00:23:20.232 --> 00:23:23.401
"A comedian is
the modern-day philosopher."

452
00:23:23.485 --> 00:23:24.361
You know?

453
00:23:24.611 --> 00:23:31.243
First of all, it always makes me feel sad
for the actual modern-day philosophers

454
00:23:31.326 --> 00:23:32.744
who exist, you know?

455
00:23:34.454 --> 00:23:38.542
They're working, trying to come up
with their philosophy and they go,

456
00:23:38.625 --> 00:23:39.751
"Goddamn!

457
00:23:39.835 --> 00:23:43.421
You ever hear of this night club comic?

458
00:23:43.505 --> 00:23:48.593
He's doing some very good work on
'totaligism'" or what the hell...

459
00:23:48.677 --> 00:23:50.554
[chuckles] Whatever you say...

460
00:23:51.138 --> 00:23:56.226
I'll tell you, when the election cycle
starts, this is what I've noticed.

461
00:23:56.309 --> 00:23:57.644
They're very difficult.

462
00:23:57.727 --> 00:24:00.272
Because they are trying to get the people
that are smart,

463
00:24:00.355 --> 00:24:01.439
that know things.

464
00:24:01.523 --> 00:24:04.234
The people that know, because they are
90 percent, remember?

465
00:24:04.317 --> 00:24:06.361
I don't know people are only ten percent.

466
00:24:06.444 --> 00:24:10.949
So, they will try to get you

467
00:24:11.032 --> 00:24:15.704
with very hard,
very difficult commercials.

468
00:24:15.787 --> 00:24:17.330
I've seen them, you know?

469
00:24:17.414 --> 00:24:18.915
Like, a guy will come on TV,

470
00:24:18.999 --> 00:24:20.208
or a lady,

471
00:24:22.711 --> 00:24:29.593
and say, you know, "If you
want to hear how I will fix healthcare

472
00:24:29.676 --> 00:24:34.097
as well as the mass of student debt
problem in this country,

473
00:24:34.181 --> 00:24:37.559
as well as keeping our borders secure,

474
00:24:37.642 --> 00:24:40.228
but still being compassionate,

475
00:24:40.312 --> 00:24:45.233
then please go on 'www.myname'

476
00:24:45.317 --> 00:24:49.404
and I have a 45-page position paper."

477
00:24:49.487 --> 00:24:51.448
Then I go, "Oh, no...

478
00:24:53.491 --> 00:24:55.577
I will not be doing that."

479
00:24:57.412 --> 00:24:59.581
I'll tell you why,
it's nothing against you.

480
00:24:59.664 --> 00:25:01.208
You seem like a fine enough fella,

481
00:25:01.291 --> 00:25:06.880
It's just that I cannot read
your 45-page position paper

482
00:25:06.963 --> 00:25:10.842
on account of,
earlier today, a guy told me

483
00:25:10.926 --> 00:25:14.137
that I only get the one life.

484
00:25:14.221 --> 00:25:15.138
So...

485
00:25:16.890 --> 00:25:18.016
What are you gonna...

486
00:25:20.060 --> 00:25:25.065
I still got half a box full of <i>Matlock.</i>

487
00:25:26.900 --> 00:25:28.777
<i>Matlock </i>box sets.

488
00:25:29.945 --> 00:25:34.157
You only got so much time,
you got to choose. You know?

489
00:25:34.741 --> 00:25:37.327
You got to choose.

490
00:25:37.410 --> 00:25:40.705
But later on, man, when you get closer
to the election,

491
00:25:40.789 --> 00:25:42.874
here's what always happens, I've noticed.

492
00:25:43.458 --> 00:25:46.086
Whenever you get close to an election,
they go,

493
00:25:46.169 --> 00:25:48.255
"There's only three days left
till the election,"

494
00:25:48.338 --> 00:25:50.215
and it's always tied.

495
00:25:50.298 --> 00:25:52.592
You know, and they go,
"You know what we have to get?

496
00:25:52.676 --> 00:25:54.844
Those people that don't know anything."

497
00:25:54.928 --> 00:25:58.932
It's a very odd way of choosing the leader
of the free world,

498
00:25:59.015 --> 00:26:00.892
but that's the best we got.

499
00:26:00.976 --> 00:26:03.103
And they go, "We gotta get those guys
that don't--"

500
00:26:03.186 --> 00:26:05.438
Then the commercials become very tough.

501
00:26:05.522 --> 00:26:09.526
Nothing about the sea of Japan
or anything like that.

502
00:26:09.609 --> 00:26:11.194
There's a guy that'll come on TV and go,

503
00:26:11.278 --> 00:26:14.239
"Hey, listen, let me ask you a question.

504
00:26:14.322 --> 00:26:16.199
Do you like yellow?"

505
00:26:17.242 --> 00:26:19.244
And I go, "Yeah, of course I like yellow."

506
00:26:19.327 --> 00:26:21.496
And he goes,
"Yeah, well so does this guy."

507
00:26:21.579 --> 00:26:26.209
And they show a guy waving,
pointing at someone that doesn't exist.

508
00:26:27.168 --> 00:26:29.337
Wearing a yellow shirt, you know?

509
00:26:30.213 --> 00:26:33.133
Then I go, "Ruth, get out here!
Goddamn!

510
00:26:33.216 --> 00:26:38.096
Here's a guy on the TV that's speaking
for me finally. Ruth!

511
00:26:38.805 --> 00:26:41.725
You know how I'm always talking
about how cool yellow is?

512
00:26:41.808 --> 00:26:46.938
Well, this motherfucker...
finally, a person that's speaking

513
00:26:47.022 --> 00:26:49.607
not at me, but for me."

514
00:26:51.276 --> 00:26:52.777
You know what I read, actually?

515
00:26:52.861 --> 00:26:56.948
They say that the reason you vote
for people

516
00:26:57.032 --> 00:27:00.452
is you vote for the guy
you'd most like to have a beer with.

517
00:27:00.535 --> 00:27:02.787
I know that sounds odd,
but it's true.

518
00:27:02.871 --> 00:27:08.043
They vote for presidents by who you would
most enjoy having a beer with.

519
00:27:08.126 --> 00:27:10.587
But what I find even more interesting

520
00:27:10.670 --> 00:27:13.506
is that no one has ever used that
to their political advantage.

521
00:27:13.590 --> 00:27:16.843
If it was me, that would be
my whole campaign.

522
00:27:16.926 --> 00:27:18.386
That would be the spine of it.

523
00:27:18.470 --> 00:27:19.304
Beer!

524
00:27:19.387 --> 00:27:23.516
You know what I mean? Everywhere I went
I'd be holding a glass of beer.

525
00:27:23.600 --> 00:27:24.893
You know what I mean?

526
00:27:24.976 --> 00:27:28.897
My slogan would be... "Ah!"

527
00:27:29.647 --> 00:27:31.441
And I'd hold up my beer.

528
00:27:31.524 --> 00:27:33.193
I'd go, "Ah!"

529
00:27:33.276 --> 00:27:34.819
"You like beer?" [laughs]

530
00:27:34.903 --> 00:27:36.529
"Me, too!

531
00:27:36.613 --> 00:27:39.366
Vote for me and then you can come
to the White House and...

532
00:27:39.741 --> 00:27:41.076
Ah!"

533
00:27:42.327 --> 00:27:43.370
[chuckles]

534
00:27:44.079 --> 00:27:45.789
Goddamn, I'm getting old.

535
00:27:45.872 --> 00:27:47.957
You can tell,
I don't have to tell you that.

536
00:27:49.793 --> 00:27:52.921
I like wearing these
on account of it hides

537
00:27:53.004 --> 00:27:55.423
all my white hair
and everything like that.

538
00:27:55.507 --> 00:27:58.259
I don't want to get my hair colored
no more, you know?

539
00:27:58.343 --> 00:28:01.763
I don't want anybody
painting my hair black.

540
00:28:02.472 --> 00:28:06.601
On account of I don't want to die
and then be surprised.

541
00:28:06.684 --> 00:28:07.977
You know what I mean?

542
00:28:08.061 --> 00:28:09.979
Go, "Goddamn, I look good."

543
00:28:10.063 --> 00:28:13.358
And the guy goes,
"Well, I made your hair white.

544
00:28:13.441 --> 00:28:15.151
What do you think that was all about?

545
00:28:15.235 --> 00:28:19.531
I was telling you to get your affairs
in order, for God's sake."

546
00:28:21.783 --> 00:28:24.369
But anyway, I tell you how you know
you're growing old

547
00:28:24.452 --> 00:28:27.122
is when you start checking
your left arm status.

548
00:28:27.205 --> 00:28:30.458
You go, "Goddamn, my left arm,
I feel a little odd."

549
00:28:30.542 --> 00:28:31.584
[chuckles]

550
00:28:31.668 --> 00:28:33.753
That's all I know about medicine.

551
00:28:33.837 --> 00:28:35.839
If your left arm feels odd,

552
00:28:35.922 --> 00:28:38.716
you will either have an impending
heart attack,

553
00:28:38.800 --> 00:28:40.593
or nothing at all will happen.

554
00:28:42.512 --> 00:28:45.265
I like doctors.
I like specialists, though, you know?

555
00:28:45.348 --> 00:28:47.183
Like, let's say...
this is what I don't understand.

556
00:28:47.267 --> 00:28:49.477
Your foot hurts, so you want to go
to the foot doctor.

557
00:28:49.561 --> 00:28:51.354
You phone the foot doctor, he goes,
"I can't come,

558
00:28:51.438 --> 00:28:52.731
you got to go to a regular doctor."

559
00:28:52.814 --> 00:28:54.566
Then you go to the regular doctor
and he goes,

560
00:28:54.649 --> 00:28:56.860
"Yeah, you got to go to a foot doctor.

561
00:28:57.527 --> 00:29:00.613
Just pay Agnes 80 bucks on the way out."

562
00:29:00.697 --> 00:29:02.824
What is that scam? You know?

563
00:29:03.491 --> 00:29:05.285
You go, "All right."

564
00:29:05.368 --> 00:29:07.996
He goes, "While you're here,
you want me to take your blood pressure?"

565
00:29:08.079 --> 00:29:09.205
I'm like, "No, that's fine.

566
00:29:09.289 --> 00:29:12.250
I've had my blood pressure taken
about five thousand times."

567
00:29:13.334 --> 00:29:16.671
I don't even know what it means.
They go, "It's 150 over 60."

568
00:29:16.755 --> 00:29:18.006
I go, "Is that good?"

569
00:29:18.089 --> 00:29:20.467
They go, "Ah, I don't know,
it's all a blur.

570
00:29:21.259 --> 00:29:22.260
I'm a doctor.

571
00:29:23.094 --> 00:29:25.597
I'm going to be hitting your knee
with a hammer now."

572
00:29:26.890 --> 00:29:30.268
That's the oddest one to me of all time.

573
00:29:30.351 --> 00:29:32.061
We haven't got past that?

574
00:29:32.145 --> 00:29:34.731
That's like a cartoon from the 1950s.

575
00:29:34.814 --> 00:29:37.984
Guy pulls out a hammer,
hits your knee with it,

576
00:29:38.067 --> 00:29:41.154
you go, "Ah, my knee!
Oh, my God, that hurts!"

577
00:29:41.237 --> 00:29:45.617
And the guy writes down:
"Excellent. Very good.

578
00:29:45.700 --> 00:29:50.914
That's exactly how you should react
when your knee is struck by a hammer."

579
00:29:52.707 --> 00:29:55.919
Sometimes doctors just know smart words.

580
00:29:56.002 --> 00:29:57.337
You ever see those guys?

581
00:29:57.420 --> 00:29:59.214
One time, I remember I was real tired.

582
00:29:59.297 --> 00:30:01.007
I had this thing,
I don't know what it was.

583
00:30:01.090 --> 00:30:03.968
I say, "Hey, Doc, I got this thing,
I'm real tired."

584
00:30:04.052 --> 00:30:06.930
He goes, "Sounds like chronic fatigue
syndrome to me."

585
00:30:07.013 --> 00:30:08.223
I said, "Really, what's that?"

586
00:30:08.306 --> 00:30:14.646
He says, well, "Chronic means always,
and fatigue means tired.

587
00:30:14.729 --> 00:30:19.359
And syndrome,
that means something you got."

588
00:30:20.693 --> 00:30:24.656
Anyway, you can pay Agnes 80 bucks
on the way out.

589
00:30:27.158 --> 00:30:31.788
Who knows what these doctors mean
with their medical gobbledygook.

590
00:30:31.871 --> 00:30:33.581
Guy told me yesterday, the doc, he said,

591
00:30:33.665 --> 00:30:36.668
I'm now more of a virus than a host.

592
00:30:36.751 --> 00:30:38.545
What does that even mean?

593
00:30:38.628 --> 00:30:40.171
Who knows?

594
00:30:41.256 --> 00:30:42.340
Here's the problem.

595
00:30:42.423 --> 00:30:43.758
You go to doctors too much,

596
00:30:43.842 --> 00:30:45.677
they start thinking you're a hypochondriac

597
00:30:45.760 --> 00:30:48.221
and then they don't take
anything seriously, you know?

598
00:30:48.805 --> 00:30:51.182
Word gets around with these guys.

599
00:30:51.266 --> 00:30:53.184
Small community, the doctor community.

600
00:30:53.268 --> 00:30:59.858
And I made the mistake of one time...
one time... I had a Pap smear.

601
00:31:01.693 --> 00:31:04.529
Guy smeared my pap, you know?

602
00:31:05.071 --> 00:31:06.281
It turned out good.

603
00:31:07.198 --> 00:31:11.286
But then word got out
that I was a hypochondriac.

604
00:31:11.369 --> 00:31:13.746
But I'm not a hypochondriac.

605
00:31:14.247 --> 00:31:15.623
I only think I am.

606
00:31:17.417 --> 00:31:20.628
My friend who does have a medical issue,
it's terrible,

607
00:31:20.712 --> 00:31:25.717
he's 586 pounds.

608
00:31:25.800 --> 00:31:27.176
Not a lie.

609
00:31:27.260 --> 00:31:32.515
Now, I've been blessed to have the same
friends since I was in grade four.

610
00:31:32.599 --> 00:31:35.518
Billy, Jimmy, Ricky, me.

611
00:31:35.602 --> 00:31:38.062
Now, we all went our different paths,

612
00:31:38.146 --> 00:31:42.567
but Jimmy became fat,
then he became really fat,

613
00:31:42.650 --> 00:31:45.403
then he became obese,
then he became morbidly obese.

614
00:31:45.486 --> 00:31:50.491
And now, 586 pounds. It's incredible.

615
00:31:50.575 --> 00:31:53.411
He's one of those guys that can't get out
of his house and stuff.

616
00:31:53.494 --> 00:31:59.167
But he's finally decided to change,
thank God.

617
00:32:00.084 --> 00:32:03.880
So he's got a psychiatrist in there,
we got him a dietician,

618
00:32:03.963 --> 00:32:05.632
people are around the clock.

619
00:32:05.715 --> 00:32:09.677
One of the three of us go and visit him

620
00:32:09.761 --> 00:32:11.304
and keep his spirits up.

621
00:32:11.387 --> 00:32:13.056
And it's great.

622
00:32:13.139 --> 00:32:15.725
But he said something that struck me odd
the other day.

623
00:32:15.808 --> 00:32:19.646
Last time I saw him,
which was about six months ago.

624
00:32:19.729 --> 00:32:20.855
The other day.

625
00:32:21.230 --> 00:32:24.776
But he said to me, he said,
"Norm, you wouldn't believe it,

626
00:32:25.193 --> 00:32:29.697
but at one point in my life
I weighed 135 pounds."

627
00:32:30.490 --> 00:32:32.158
And I said, "Oh, no, I believe that.

628
00:32:33.076 --> 00:32:39.415
I think you weighed every weight
up to 586 pounds.

629
00:32:41.000 --> 00:32:44.253
I don't think you just showed up
looking like this."

630
00:32:46.214 --> 00:32:47.215
[sighs]

631
00:32:47.840 --> 00:32:50.635
My other friend was mentally retarded.

632
00:32:50.718 --> 00:32:53.054
Now, I know you're not supposed to say
that anymore.

633
00:32:53.721 --> 00:32:56.641
But that's what we said then.

634
00:32:56.724 --> 00:32:58.518
You know? I understand that term.

635
00:32:58.601 --> 00:33:01.688
It means that you're arrested.

636
00:33:01.771 --> 00:33:05.483
You're mental capacity has been retarded
or arrested.

637
00:33:05.566 --> 00:33:08.611
So, anyways, I'll say Down's syndrome,
I don't care.

638
00:33:08.695 --> 00:33:10.989
I didn't say it for a long time
on account of I thought

639
00:33:11.072 --> 00:33:12.740
people would think I was a doctor.

640
00:33:12.824 --> 00:33:14.951
And I'd have to hit their knee
with a hammer or something.

641
00:33:15.034 --> 00:33:16.244
I don't know.

642
00:33:16.327 --> 00:33:20.123
But anyways, I love--

643
00:33:20.206 --> 00:33:23.918
my best friend had
Down's syndrome, you know?

644
00:33:24.002 --> 00:33:25.545
I love people with Down's syndrome.

645
00:33:25.628 --> 00:33:27.714
I wish I had Down's syndrome.

646
00:33:27.797 --> 00:33:29.048
I'll tell you why.

647
00:33:29.132 --> 00:33:30.717
'Cause they're happy.

648
00:33:30.800 --> 00:33:32.719
You know what I mean?
They are happy!

649
00:33:32.802 --> 00:33:34.137
What's wrong with that?

650
00:33:34.762 --> 00:33:37.724
Man, I wish I was happy, you know?

651
00:33:37.807 --> 00:33:41.477
I was happy when I was with my friend,
I'll tell you that.

652
00:33:41.561 --> 00:33:43.438
I would love to have a friend right now.

653
00:33:43.521 --> 00:33:45.523
'Cause how often are you happy?
You ever be happy?

654
00:33:45.606 --> 00:33:47.650
It happens once in a while, you know.

655
00:33:47.734 --> 00:33:49.527
With me, it's usually when I wake up.

656
00:33:49.610 --> 00:33:51.863
I wake up, I go, "Ah! Goddamn.

657
00:33:52.655 --> 00:33:55.658
I'm glad I bought that
Tempur-Pedic pillow. [chuckles]

658
00:33:55.742 --> 00:33:57.869
That was the best purchase I ever made."

659
00:34:00.413 --> 00:34:03.207
But then the light comes under the door,

660
00:34:03.291 --> 00:34:05.293
and bathes over you.

661
00:34:06.127 --> 00:34:09.338
Then your life comes in and gets
all over you like a cobweb.

662
00:34:09.422 --> 00:34:12.800
You're like, "Goddamn. That's not fun."

663
00:34:13.926 --> 00:34:16.763
You ever go in the mirror
and look at yourself?

664
00:34:16.846 --> 00:34:18.431
I'm not talking about physically.

665
00:34:18.514 --> 00:34:21.809
Just eye to eye.

666
00:34:21.893 --> 00:34:26.314
And then you go,
"Good God, what's become of me?

667
00:34:26.397 --> 00:34:28.024
[shudders]

668
00:34:28.107 --> 00:34:31.652
I'm going to go back to bed
and cover myself up."

669
00:34:31.736 --> 00:34:33.071
[shudders]

670
00:34:33.154 --> 00:34:37.408
That's when I would like to have
a mentally retarded friend next to me.

671
00:34:37.492 --> 00:34:39.702
A guy with Down's syndrome to go,

672
00:34:39.786 --> 00:34:40.828
"I like bananas!"

673
00:34:40.912 --> 00:34:44.123
I go, "Goddamn,
I never looked at it that way.

674
00:34:44.207 --> 00:34:45.666
I like bananas too."

675
00:34:46.667 --> 00:34:48.086
He goes, "They're yellow!"

676
00:34:48.753 --> 00:34:51.297
"Goddamn, you're right,
they are yellow. Ha!

677
00:34:51.798 --> 00:34:54.425
What say you and me
go buy a yellow banana?"

678
00:34:56.385 --> 00:35:01.557
See, people get mad at me
and yet they pity them!

679
00:35:01.641 --> 00:35:04.644
I envy people with Down's syndrome.

680
00:35:04.727 --> 00:35:05.770
You know?

681
00:35:05.853 --> 00:35:06.896
They pity them.

682
00:35:06.979 --> 00:35:09.524
Now, who's the bad person
in that scenario?

683
00:35:09.607 --> 00:35:12.985
I tell you right now, man,
if there was some sort of injection

684
00:35:13.069 --> 00:35:15.154
where I could be Down's syndrome,
I'd take it

685
00:35:15.238 --> 00:35:18.574
because I'd love to be happy all the time.

686
00:35:18.658 --> 00:35:19.951
You know?

687
00:35:20.034 --> 00:35:24.205
Some people go, "Oh, mentally retarded
people aren't always happy."

688
00:35:24.288 --> 00:35:26.582
I go, "Well, I never seen..." You know?

689
00:35:26.666 --> 00:35:30.878
You ever see a cynical
Down's syndrome guy? You know?

690
00:35:30.962 --> 00:35:32.296
Ever see a guy go,

691
00:35:32.380 --> 00:35:35.925
"Fuck bananas, they're yellow.
I don't care. Who cares?"

692
00:35:36.008 --> 00:35:37.426
I never seen them.

693
00:35:37.510 --> 00:35:41.597
But, happiness.
The thing we strive the most.

694
00:35:42.265 --> 00:35:46.102
People pity these people that have it.

695
00:35:46.185 --> 00:35:49.230
They'll look over at a group of people
with Down's syndrome and go,

696
00:35:49.313 --> 00:35:55.278
"Oh, man, look. Breaks my heart
when I see them.

697
00:35:55.361 --> 00:35:57.989
You know why? They're happy, right?

698
00:35:58.072 --> 00:36:01.868
It's on account of they don't understand
life's horrors.

699
00:36:03.661 --> 00:36:07.540
Makes me sad, makes me
shake my head sadly like this here.

700
00:36:08.833 --> 00:36:10.710
And you know the saddest part of all?

701
00:36:10.793 --> 00:36:11.836
There's no cure.

702
00:36:12.461 --> 00:36:14.130
They'll probably die happy."

703
00:36:19.427 --> 00:36:20.803
Anyways,

704
00:36:20.887 --> 00:36:23.264
I hope you guys are all doing well.

705
00:36:23.347 --> 00:36:26.392
I'm glad I got my wife, you know, Ruth.

706
00:36:26.475 --> 00:36:28.561
She's all right, you know?

707
00:36:28.644 --> 00:36:30.730
She's watching a lot of TV.

708
00:36:30.813 --> 00:36:33.024
She's got her guilty pleasures, you know?

709
00:36:33.107 --> 00:36:37.862
And her guilty pleasure is watching
<i>Housewives Of Atlanta</i>.

710
00:36:37.945 --> 00:36:39.530
I don't know if you've ever seen that.

711
00:36:39.614 --> 00:36:45.077
My guilty pleasure is finding elderly
gentlemen and shooting them in the leg.

712
00:36:46.078 --> 00:36:48.122
No, that's... that's just a joke.

713
00:36:48.206 --> 00:36:49.457
That is a joke!

714
00:36:51.083 --> 00:36:53.252
I felt it was time I tell a joke.

715
00:36:53.336 --> 00:36:55.046
I think it may be in my contract.

716
00:36:55.129 --> 00:36:56.130
Anyways...

717
00:36:57.131 --> 00:36:59.800
my wife, man,
she ain't the brightest girl, Ruth.

718
00:36:59.884 --> 00:37:01.510
We have what's called a hall pass.

719
00:37:01.594 --> 00:37:03.179
You know what that is?
A hall pass?

720
00:37:03.262 --> 00:37:08.559
That means you're allowed to have sex
with any two people

721
00:37:08.643 --> 00:37:12.688
that you would like to have sex with
because they're special.

722
00:37:12.772 --> 00:37:15.608
I chose-- and the other partner has
to agree to it.

723
00:37:15.691 --> 00:37:22.323
So I chose on my hall pass Angelina Jolie
and Christie Brinkley.

724
00:37:22.406 --> 00:37:26.535
And Ruth, my wife, she's so stupid that,
you know who she chose?

725
00:37:27.245 --> 00:37:31.165
The Mexican guy that mows my lawn
and his brother.

726
00:37:32.333 --> 00:37:35.086
Of all the people in the world,
of all the people in the world.

727
00:37:37.171 --> 00:37:38.798
But I love women, you know?

728
00:37:38.881 --> 00:37:42.718
I consider women to be superior to men
and I'll tell you why.

729
00:37:43.177 --> 00:37:46.555
They create life. Think about that.
You know what I mean?

730
00:37:46.639 --> 00:37:47.807
What do men do?

731
00:37:47.890 --> 00:37:50.518
Maybe they eat sour cream and onion chips
or something.

732
00:37:50.601 --> 00:37:53.229
Women create life for God's sakes.

733
00:37:53.312 --> 00:37:54.647
It's amazing.

734
00:37:55.314 --> 00:37:56.565
You know what I'm saying?

735
00:37:56.649 --> 00:37:59.527
If I was a woman, that's all I'd do,
just create life.

736
00:37:59.610 --> 00:38:02.905
I'd go to parties and go, "Hey, Fred.

737
00:38:02.989 --> 00:38:05.700
What do you do? I can't remember."

738
00:38:05.783 --> 00:38:08.452
And Fred would go,
"I'll tell you what I do, Loretta."

739
00:38:08.536 --> 00:38:09.954
That's my name

740
00:38:10.037 --> 00:38:11.580
in the story.

741
00:38:11.664 --> 00:38:13.749
He'd go,
"I'll tell you what I do, Loretta.

742
00:38:13.833 --> 00:38:17.211
I think you know I work down at the bank
for Mr. Abernathy.

743
00:38:17.295 --> 00:38:18.296
And...

744
00:38:19.672 --> 00:38:20.965
I, well, what...

745
00:38:21.340 --> 00:38:25.678
my main job is Abernathy will give me
a stack of papers about this big.

746
00:38:25.761 --> 00:38:30.016
By the end of the day, if I get them down
to about this big, that's a good--"

747
00:38:30.099 --> 00:38:33.311
I go, "Wait a second there. I'm sorry.

748
00:38:33.394 --> 00:38:35.855
I got to stop you there.

749
00:38:37.732 --> 00:38:40.651
Remember how I was telling you
how I create life?

750
00:38:40.735 --> 00:38:41.819
Human life.

751
00:38:42.653 --> 00:38:44.238
The highest form of life.

752
00:38:44.322 --> 00:38:46.198
I just got to tell you this.

753
00:38:47.700 --> 00:38:49.327
That life just kicked me.

754
00:38:50.995 --> 00:38:54.040
Can you possibly wrap your head
around that?"

755
00:38:54.123 --> 00:38:58.127
And he'll go, "Ah! Well, I...

756
00:38:59.170 --> 00:39:05.259
Look. Abernathy's never given me
that corner office like he promised.

757
00:39:05.343 --> 00:39:08.804
And there was plenty of lunches
where he brought it up.

758
00:39:09.388 --> 00:39:11.807
Ah! But then Henderson showed up.

759
00:39:11.891 --> 00:39:13.601
That all changed.

760
00:39:14.101 --> 00:39:15.478
Who am I kidding?

761
00:39:15.561 --> 00:39:17.313
I should just quit."

762
00:39:19.690 --> 00:39:21.067
Anyways,

763
00:39:21.150 --> 00:39:23.652
what have we learned
from this little fable?

764
00:39:23.986 --> 00:39:25.196
[chuckles]

765
00:39:26.155 --> 00:39:28.074
It's funny now,
here's what I was thinking of...

766
00:39:28.157 --> 00:39:29.992
You know how everybody's got a name now?

767
00:39:30.076 --> 00:39:32.745
Everybody has an identity, you know?

768
00:39:32.828 --> 00:39:35.498
Like, let's say, your sexuality.

769
00:39:35.581 --> 00:39:37.958
Let's say a guy likes a guy.

770
00:39:38.042 --> 00:39:39.627
That's a homosexual.

771
00:39:39.710 --> 00:39:45.591
If you are attracted to a member
of your own gender.

772
00:39:46.717 --> 00:39:49.720
If you're attracted to a member
of the opposite sex

773
00:39:49.804 --> 00:39:51.680
then you're a heterosexual.

774
00:39:51.764 --> 00:39:53.933
But what about a guy like me?
Just whacks off all the time?

775
00:39:54.016 --> 00:39:54.934
What am I?

776
00:39:55.017 --> 00:39:57.103
I don't know,
I don't think I've got a word.

777
00:39:57.895 --> 00:39:59.980
This is why I was thinking
about whacking off.

778
00:40:00.064 --> 00:40:01.357
Think about this.

779
00:40:01.440 --> 00:40:05.986
It's kind of like a psychotic break
you got to do.

780
00:40:06.070 --> 00:40:08.531
You know? Like, in your mind,
in your picture,

781
00:40:08.614 --> 00:40:12.368
you have to have a picture there of you
with a lady

782
00:40:12.451 --> 00:40:15.413
and you got to believe it so much

783
00:40:15.496 --> 00:40:18.040
that you don't even
believe what's really happening.

784
00:40:18.124 --> 00:40:19.959
You know what I'm getting at?

785
00:40:21.460 --> 00:40:25.089
I don't know, like, a lot of guys...
I don't have a great imagination.

786
00:40:25.172 --> 00:40:30.845
A lot of guys will do it
with a... <i>Playboy </i>magazine, say.

787
00:40:30.928 --> 00:40:35.933
Or maybe a <i>Victoria's Secret,</i>
or something like that.

788
00:40:36.016 --> 00:40:38.853
But I ain't got the imagination for that,
you know what I mean?

789
00:40:38.936 --> 00:40:41.605
Like, I try, you know, but then I'll go,

790
00:40:41.689 --> 00:40:46.026
"Okay, you come over here
with your 'Victoria Secrets.'

791
00:40:46.110 --> 00:40:48.988
Huh? I'll show you your underwear."

792
00:40:49.071 --> 00:40:51.240
I don't know why I'm mean to them, but...

793
00:40:52.158 --> 00:40:55.035
I'll go, "Why don't you come over
and take off your underwear?"

794
00:40:55.119 --> 00:40:56.787
They go, "No, I'm not doing that."

795
00:40:56.871 --> 00:40:58.747
And I go, "No, I... goodbye!

796
00:40:59.665 --> 00:41:01.125
I didn't think you would.

797
00:41:01.667 --> 00:41:05.296
Sorry about that crack about asking you
to take your underwear off."

798
00:41:05.379 --> 00:41:06.297
But...

799
00:41:07.298 --> 00:41:09.049
I don't have the imagination for that.

800
00:41:09.133 --> 00:41:15.181
However, there is this lady that works
down the street from me at 7-11.

801
00:41:15.931 --> 00:41:19.602
She's not much to look at,
but she likes me.

802
00:41:19.685 --> 00:41:21.020
That's the important thing.

803
00:41:21.103 --> 00:41:25.566
In that way, in that certain way
that women like men.

804
00:41:25.649 --> 00:41:28.861
And I know she likes me on account of

805
00:41:28.944 --> 00:41:31.197
one time I was buying
sour cream and onion chips

806
00:41:31.280 --> 00:41:34.450
and Vanilla Swiss Almond ice cream,

807
00:41:34.533 --> 00:41:36.202
and I'm getting it, right,

808
00:41:36.285 --> 00:41:39.038
and she goes,
"I like sour cream and onion chips, too."

809
00:41:39.121 --> 00:41:40.706
I go, "Yeah, that's interesting."

810
00:41:40.789 --> 00:41:42.208
She goes, "No, I really like them."

811
00:41:42.291 --> 00:41:43.667
Now I look up, I'm like...

812
00:41:45.419 --> 00:41:48.422
Because sometimes the shadow of the thing
is bigger than the...

813
00:41:48.506 --> 00:41:49.757
Anyways...

814
00:41:49.840 --> 00:41:51.800
I knew that she liked me.

815
00:41:51.884 --> 00:41:56.388
So then, for the next two months
I'm whacking off.

816
00:41:56.472 --> 00:41:57.890
Oh, my God.

817
00:41:59.183 --> 00:42:02.436
Now, in my head is me and the girl...

818
00:42:03.187 --> 00:42:06.106
I don't think any guy could just,
in his head,

819
00:42:06.190 --> 00:42:08.984
have himself whacking off.

820
00:42:09.068 --> 00:42:11.529
That wouldn't work.
I'm only talking about men.

821
00:42:12.112 --> 00:42:13.405
'Cause I've asked women.

822
00:42:13.489 --> 00:42:17.284
I've said, "What do you do when you lie
with yourself

823
00:42:17.368 --> 00:42:21.205
and make your finger a blur

824
00:42:22.081 --> 00:42:24.750
like a hummingbird's wing?

825
00:42:24.833 --> 00:42:26.544
What do you think of in your head?"

826
00:42:26.627 --> 00:42:29.296
And then they go, "Oh, a hammock."

827
00:42:29.380 --> 00:42:30.756
And I'm like, "Oh!"

828
00:42:30.839 --> 00:42:32.675
So anyways,
they're a little more advanced.

829
00:42:32.758 --> 00:42:35.219
But we have to think
of a specific scenario.

830
00:42:35.302 --> 00:42:38.514
So my scenario is the lady from 7-11,

831
00:42:38.597 --> 00:42:40.599
I go, "Hey! They're giving you a break.

832
00:42:40.683 --> 00:42:42.726
I'll show you a break.
Come on over here."

833
00:42:42.810 --> 00:42:44.687
My jokes don't even make sense.

834
00:42:44.770 --> 00:42:46.188
Anyways, I get 'em...

835
00:42:46.272 --> 00:42:49.942
What I'm interested in is in the moment
when the fever breaks.

836
00:42:50.025 --> 00:42:50.901
You know what I mean?

837
00:42:50.985 --> 00:42:56.782
When that four seconds of issue
that you spent so much time going after,

838
00:42:56.865 --> 00:42:57.950
it ends.

839
00:42:58.033 --> 00:42:59.743
You know what I mean?

840
00:42:59.827 --> 00:43:02.913
You're thinking of all these things
in your head.

841
00:43:02.997 --> 00:43:09.378
You just got a psychotic break going that
would rival a paranoid schizophrenic.

842
00:43:09.461 --> 00:43:12.923
All of a sudden it stops
and you're like, "Ah!"

843
00:43:14.675 --> 00:43:15.551
It's just me.

844
00:43:16.927 --> 00:43:19.179
There are no ladies at all.

845
00:43:21.015 --> 00:43:22.016
It's just me.

846
00:43:22.391 --> 00:43:23.434
[panting]

847
00:43:23.517 --> 00:43:25.019
I got to get a hold of myself.

848
00:43:25.644 --> 00:43:27.062
What'll I do here?

849
00:43:27.563 --> 00:43:28.564
I know.

850
00:43:28.647 --> 00:43:29.857
I'll go downstairs.

851
00:43:30.608 --> 00:43:32.067
I'll get a cheese sandwich.

852
00:43:32.735 --> 00:43:33.819
[chuckles]

853
00:43:33.902 --> 00:43:37.072
Yeah. I'll never think about this again.

854
00:43:37.740 --> 00:43:38.907
[chuckles]

855
00:43:39.533 --> 00:43:41.452
That's right. [chuckles]

856
00:43:42.828 --> 00:43:44.872
I'll be honest with you.

857
00:43:44.955 --> 00:43:50.544
Sometimes I feel bad about doing that.

858
00:43:50.628 --> 00:43:53.547
Self-abuse, you know,
lying down with myself.

859
00:43:53.631 --> 00:43:57.509
On account of...
because I'm a Christian. You know?

860
00:43:57.593 --> 00:44:01.847
But, I'll tell you this, a lot of people
think Christians are self-righteous.

861
00:44:01.930 --> 00:44:04.725
But we're not, we're sinning all the time.

862
00:44:04.808 --> 00:44:06.435
All the time. For instance...

863
00:44:06.935 --> 00:44:08.771
I eat apples.

864
00:44:10.564 --> 00:44:13.067
Think about that for a second.
It's on page one.

865
00:44:13.817 --> 00:44:16.111
Worst thing you can do in the world.

866
00:44:16.195 --> 00:44:18.697
I'm munching down on an apple. Ah!

867
00:44:19.156 --> 00:44:20.282
You know?

868
00:44:20.366 --> 00:44:22.159
Sure, I love apples, but...

869
00:44:22.242 --> 00:44:25.537
is it worth getting raped by the Devil
for all of time?

870
00:44:25.621 --> 00:44:26.997
I say no!

871
00:44:28.457 --> 00:44:29.458
Anyways...

872
00:44:30.209 --> 00:44:31.377
I know there's a God.

873
00:44:31.460 --> 00:44:35.130
People go, "Well, you're only a Christian
because you grew up in a Christian--"

874
00:44:35.214 --> 00:44:38.592
And I understand that and that's
one of my biggest fears.

875
00:44:38.676 --> 00:44:41.220
That I picked the wrong religion,
you know?

876
00:44:41.303 --> 00:44:43.472
That I believed,
but then I died and I go,

877
00:44:43.555 --> 00:44:44.932
"Ah! It's you!

878
00:44:45.516 --> 00:44:48.519
I thought it was the other fella. Ah!"

879
00:44:49.853 --> 00:44:54.066
I should have been slaying apostates
the entire time.

880
00:44:54.149 --> 00:44:57.361
Oh well, what are you going to do?

881
00:44:57.444 --> 00:44:59.113
Hey! Did you know this?

882
00:44:59.196 --> 00:45:01.824
They finally figured out
that Jesus Christ,

883
00:45:01.907 --> 00:45:03.742
whether you're religious or not,

884
00:45:03.826 --> 00:45:06.954
that Jesus Christ was actually
a historical figure.

885
00:45:07.037 --> 00:45:08.956
Probably a historical figure.

886
00:45:09.039 --> 00:45:10.999
I don't think that's
that interesting

887
00:45:11.083 --> 00:45:15.879
because it's only whether he was
divine or not that matters.

888
00:45:15.963 --> 00:45:18.590
But they also found,
I found this very interesting,

889
00:45:18.674 --> 00:45:20.926
they found a new Dead Sea Scroll.

890
00:45:21.009 --> 00:45:27.724
And it was a gospel about Jesus H. Christ.

891
00:45:27.808 --> 00:45:30.894
It turned out that he was a real guy,
you know?

892
00:45:30.978 --> 00:45:35.524
He grew up in the town
right next to Jesus Christ.

893
00:45:35.607 --> 00:45:38.527
So, often he was--
he had a bad life

894
00:45:38.610 --> 00:45:41.405
because people would
come up to him and go, "Hey!"

895
00:45:42.364 --> 00:45:45.075
"Master, can we touch your hand?"

896
00:45:45.159 --> 00:45:47.202
And he'd go, "I'm not the guy!

897
00:45:47.286 --> 00:45:48.912
I'm a plumber for God's sake.

898
00:45:48.996 --> 00:45:51.415
You're looking for the cabinet maker. Ah!"

899
00:45:51.498 --> 00:45:54.334
And they'd go, "Please, Master,
let us touch your hand."

900
00:45:54.418 --> 00:45:56.420
And he'd go,
"You can touch it if you want,

901
00:45:56.503 --> 00:45:58.380
but I'm telling you nothing's going
to happen.

902
00:45:58.464 --> 00:46:00.507
I should have just gone with Howard.

903
00:46:00.591 --> 00:46:02.718
I don't like this one bit."

904
00:46:03.760 --> 00:46:05.721
Anyways, I thought that was interesting.

905
00:46:06.805 --> 00:46:13.729
But, listen, folks,
I don't want to get depressing, you know?

906
00:46:14.271 --> 00:46:18.150
But you got to get a living will,
I'll tell you that right now.

907
00:46:18.233 --> 00:46:20.068
It's very important, I'll tell you why.

908
00:46:20.152 --> 00:46:24.114
Because if you don't--
I'll tell you what a living will is.

909
00:46:25.324 --> 00:46:28.785
It's if you happen to go into a coma,
something like that,

910
00:46:29.661 --> 00:46:33.707
the living will
tells the doctor what to do.

911
00:46:33.790 --> 00:46:37.044
And it's usually about a plug.

912
00:46:38.504 --> 00:46:39.880
A plug in the wall.

913
00:46:40.339 --> 00:46:42.591
I hate to bring everybody down,

914
00:46:42.674 --> 00:46:46.261
but a lot of you will end up plugged
into the wall.

915
00:46:46.345 --> 00:46:47.804
Sounds odd, but...

916
00:46:48.430 --> 00:46:50.349
And I'm not going to say
which one of you

917
00:46:50.432 --> 00:46:51.934
because I don't think that's fair.

918
00:46:52.017 --> 00:46:56.021
But I made out a very simple one.
You know?

919
00:46:56.104 --> 00:46:57.064
All it...

920
00:46:57.147 --> 00:46:58.774
See, here's the thing.

921
00:46:58.857 --> 00:47:02.778
If you do not make out a living will,
you know what happens?

922
00:47:02.861 --> 00:47:04.947
You know who decides?
Your family.

923
00:47:05.030 --> 00:47:06.907
And guess what they'll decide?

924
00:47:08.325 --> 00:47:10.244
Maybe what they always decide.

925
00:47:11.161 --> 00:47:14.248
No, they always decide the same thing.
You know?

926
00:47:14.331 --> 00:47:15.666
At first they don't.

927
00:47:15.749 --> 00:47:18.961
Because, you know,
it's kind of fun bringing your friends in.

928
00:47:19.044 --> 00:47:22.839
There's something lying there,
you go, "Look at that, huh?

929
00:47:22.923 --> 00:47:25.884
Used to have dreams.
Now it's just a gray thing.

930
00:47:25.968 --> 00:47:26.802
Oh, well.

931
00:47:27.844 --> 00:47:29.846
Used to make apple pies for me."

932
00:47:29.930 --> 00:47:31.223
But anyways,

933
00:47:31.306 --> 00:47:34.643
the novelty runs out of anything
and after a while, you know,

934
00:47:35.060 --> 00:47:37.521
of course the family is going to go--

935
00:47:37.604 --> 00:47:39.940
and I know it's going to be my sister,
she'll go,

936
00:47:40.023 --> 00:47:43.569
"Oh, yeah, Doc, remember when you
were saying, 'Did Norm ever

937
00:47:43.652 --> 00:47:47.197
discuss what he'd want
if he was plugged into a wall?'

938
00:47:47.281 --> 00:47:48.991
Well, I don't know if this counts,

939
00:47:49.074 --> 00:47:51.868
but one time I remember
we were having lunch

940
00:47:51.952 --> 00:47:56.373
and Norm said to me, 'You know, if I was
ever plugged into a wall

941
00:47:56.456 --> 00:48:00.335
then I think that you should, you know...

942
00:48:02.963 --> 00:48:04.089
kill me.'"

943
00:48:07.676 --> 00:48:11.305
And then everybody else in the room goes,
"I remember him saying that too!"

944
00:48:11.388 --> 00:48:15.142
And then what if you were in the coma,
you can still hear, you're like,

945
00:48:15.225 --> 00:48:17.227
"Oh, no!"
But you can't even get to them.

946
00:48:18.562 --> 00:48:23.275
Anyways, what I was going to say is,
I don't even have a plug.

947
00:48:23.358 --> 00:48:30.157
I got a whole Byzantine,
you know, bunch of different plugs.

948
00:48:30.240 --> 00:48:32.284
Surge protectors, all sorts--

949
00:48:32.367 --> 00:48:37.247
because I don't want some janitor
with a wide broom hitting my plug.

950
00:48:37.331 --> 00:48:38.332
You know?

951
00:48:38.874 --> 00:48:44.212
And then my sister slipping a five to him
out in the hallway.

952
00:48:44.296 --> 00:48:46.715
I know how things work,
I'll tell you that.

953
00:48:46.798 --> 00:48:50.636
Also, what happens if they go,
"Okay, let's pull the plug."

954
00:48:50.719 --> 00:48:53.972
Then a guy runs in,
"I got some great news!

955
00:48:54.056 --> 00:48:56.767
Oh... did you guys pull the plug?"

956
00:48:57.559 --> 00:48:59.061
They go, "Yeah, what's the great news?"

957
00:48:59.144 --> 00:49:04.399
He goes, "Nothing. No. Nothing at all.

958
00:49:04.483 --> 00:49:11.448
It's just LeBron James might go
to the hall of fame, they say.

959
00:49:11.531 --> 00:49:12.699
[laughs]

960
00:49:12.783 --> 00:49:15.327
But anyways,
you better go home and grieve.

961
00:49:16.787 --> 00:49:19.956
You know what one of the best ways
of grieving is, they say.

962
00:49:20.707 --> 00:49:22.459
Don't read the newspaper,

963
00:49:22.542 --> 00:49:24.711
or look at the internet,

964
00:49:24.795 --> 00:49:26.171
or anything.

965
00:49:26.880 --> 00:49:28.340
That's what they say."

966
00:49:32.969 --> 00:49:34.262
I don't know, man.

967
00:49:34.346 --> 00:49:36.848
There's more in this world
than anybody can understand.

968
00:49:37.766 --> 00:49:41.186
Psychology. I don't understand
psychology, I'll tell you.

969
00:49:41.269 --> 00:49:43.063
I don't even know if it's real.

970
00:49:43.146 --> 00:49:46.400
They say some people got
recovered memories.

971
00:49:46.483 --> 00:49:48.735
A memory will just come to them, you know?

972
00:49:48.819 --> 00:49:50.445
From 30, 40 years ago.

973
00:49:50.529 --> 00:49:52.197
It's never a good memory.

974
00:49:53.740 --> 00:49:56.827
It's never like they go,
"Goddamn, I used to like peach pie.

975
00:49:56.910 --> 00:49:59.162
I got to get me a piece of peach pie."

976
00:49:59.246 --> 00:50:03.208
It's always the most violent, sexual,
horrifying incident.

977
00:50:03.291 --> 00:50:04.626
You know what I mean?

978
00:50:04.710 --> 00:50:07.462
And I don't like it.
I don't like it.

979
00:50:08.255 --> 00:50:11.466
Because, here's the thing
with recovered memory.

980
00:50:12.509 --> 00:50:16.054
You can't be sure anymore
of what happened. You know?

981
00:50:16.138 --> 00:50:19.766
I used to be at parties,
and say it with great pride,

982
00:50:19.850 --> 00:50:21.893
people would come up to me and go,
"Hey, Norm,

983
00:50:21.977 --> 00:50:24.146
did your uncle ever
fuck your ass?"

984
00:50:24.646 --> 00:50:26.148
And I'd go, "No."

985
00:50:26.231 --> 00:50:27.733
And I'd be happy.

986
00:50:27.816 --> 00:50:30.944
I took great pride in that, you know?

987
00:50:31.778 --> 00:50:34.740
But now I can't say that anymore,
you know?

988
00:50:34.823 --> 00:50:37.367
Because there's two possibilities.

989
00:50:37.451 --> 00:50:41.747
Either my uncle fucked my ass
and I forgot,

990
00:50:41.830 --> 00:50:43.582
or he didn't fuck my ass.

991
00:50:43.665 --> 00:50:46.084
So, when people come up to me now
and ask me,

992
00:50:46.168 --> 00:50:48.295
"Did your uncle fuck your ass?"

993
00:50:48.378 --> 00:50:51.214
All I can say is, "I don't know.

994
00:50:51.298 --> 00:50:53.175
Fifty-fifty, I guess."

995
00:50:54.801 --> 00:50:58.847
If I understand my advanced math,
it's 50-50.

996
00:50:58.930 --> 00:51:01.892
But I don't even know if I believe
in psychology.

997
00:51:01.975 --> 00:51:04.019
You know what I mean?
And I'll tell you why.

998
00:51:04.102 --> 00:51:07.814
Because my friend, everything to this guy
has two meanings.

999
00:51:07.898 --> 00:51:09.024
You know what I mean?

1000
00:51:09.107 --> 00:51:12.277
He says, "You know how you have your
conscience and your subco--"

1001
00:51:12.360 --> 00:51:13.195
Anyways,

1002
00:51:13.278 --> 00:51:16.156
one time I'm with this guy,
we're having dinner,

1003
00:51:16.239 --> 00:51:18.450
and I take a glass of milk.

1004
00:51:18.533 --> 00:51:19.951
I'm drinking the milk.

1005
00:51:20.035 --> 00:51:23.580
The guy says, "Hey! You know why you're
drinking that milk, Norm?"

1006
00:51:23.663 --> 00:51:25.540
I go, "No, why?"

1007
00:51:25.624 --> 00:51:27.042
I know something's coming.

1008
00:51:27.125 --> 00:51:31.838
He goes, "That's because you miss sucking
on your mother's breast."

1009
00:51:31.922 --> 00:51:33.715
And I'm like, "Ah!"

1010
00:51:33.799 --> 00:51:35.675
"What did you have to say that for?"

1011
00:51:37.427 --> 00:51:38.678
And I'm stuck, you know?

1012
00:51:38.762 --> 00:51:42.516
What am I gonna guzzle the milk?
There's a delicious cold milk there.

1013
00:51:43.099 --> 00:51:44.184
You know?

1014
00:51:45.644 --> 00:51:51.358
And you guys don't know my mother,
but she's 84 years old, for God sakes.

1015
00:51:52.359 --> 00:51:54.694
She's a sweet lady and everything, but...

1016
00:51:57.322 --> 00:51:58.240
You know what?

1017
00:51:58.907 --> 00:52:01.326
I was thinking about my mother
the other day because,

1018
00:52:01.409 --> 00:52:04.663
you know the #MeToo movement
and the Time's Up movement and all that?

1019
00:52:04.746 --> 00:52:07.707
This is a move--
I've never seen--

1020
00:52:07.791 --> 00:52:10.001
I've never been through a revolution
like this.

1021
00:52:10.085 --> 00:52:14.381
It's very exciting, you know,
to see women get

1022
00:52:14.464 --> 00:52:17.175
what they've always deserved
in the first place, you know?

1023
00:52:18.718 --> 00:52:24.641
But every revolution has its casualties.

1024
00:52:24.724 --> 00:52:27.602
And for me, it's people like my mother.

1025
00:52:27.686 --> 00:52:30.689
Or maybe you have a mother
or a grandmother.

1026
00:52:30.772 --> 00:52:33.441
It's those people.
I remember growing up with my mother.

1027
00:52:33.525 --> 00:52:36.528
She'd be cooking, she'd be in the kitchen.

1028
00:52:36.611 --> 00:52:39.322
"Do you have enough gravy? Oh!

1029
00:52:39.406 --> 00:52:43.493
There's some more turkey.
Oh, the turnips! The turnips!"

1030
00:52:43.994 --> 00:52:45.829
She'd get the turnips out.

1031
00:52:45.912 --> 00:52:47.998
Then I'd go, "Ma, you got enough to eat?"

1032
00:52:48.081 --> 00:52:49.499
She'd go, "Oh, yes."

1033
00:52:49.583 --> 00:52:53.378
But she'd just be eating what
was left from us, you know what I mean?

1034
00:52:53.461 --> 00:52:55.547
And we'd go,
"Can we help with the dishes?"

1035
00:52:55.630 --> 00:52:57.340
"No, no, watch your football games."

1036
00:52:58.967 --> 00:53:00.468
I love my mother, you know.

1037
00:53:01.469 --> 00:53:03.179
She lives right beside me here.

1038
00:53:05.348 --> 00:53:06.182
She's great.

1039
00:53:08.518 --> 00:53:13.106
I don't think my mother has ever
spoken a word

1040
00:53:14.524 --> 00:53:16.234
that had any irony in it.

1041
00:53:16.318 --> 00:53:17.903
You know what I mean?

1042
00:53:17.986 --> 00:53:19.738
She's just earnest, she's just happy.

1043
00:53:19.821 --> 00:53:21.948
She knows how to love, she doesn't judge.

1044
00:53:24.743 --> 00:53:25.702
I don't think...

1045
00:53:26.953 --> 00:53:29.748
She'll go sometimes to the grocery store
and come back,

1046
00:53:29.831 --> 00:53:30.916
the other day she did this.

1047
00:53:30.999 --> 00:53:33.877
She'd come back, she'd say, "A funny thing
happened at the grocery store."

1048
00:53:33.960 --> 00:53:35.045
I said, "What happened, Mom?"

1049
00:53:35.128 --> 00:53:39.674
She said, "A woman came in and bought
a grapefruit and it cost $1.69

1050
00:53:39.758 --> 00:53:43.303
and last week it cost $1.19."

1051
00:53:43.386 --> 00:53:47.682
And then I said, "That's not a story,
let alone a funny story.

1052
00:53:47.766 --> 00:53:51.353
I don't even think
that would be considered a story."

1053
00:53:52.228 --> 00:53:56.149
Anyways, my point is that
I would trade my...

1054
00:53:57.359 --> 00:53:59.319
I don't know what my point is, really.

1055
00:54:00.528 --> 00:54:03.281
Oh, yeah! I know!
I don't want to suck her tits!

1056
00:54:03.365 --> 00:54:05.200
That's what my point was.

1057
00:54:06.660 --> 00:54:09.120
Maybe that makes me shallow. I don't know.

1058
00:54:11.915 --> 00:54:13.875
Stay safe, folks. I love you.

1059
00:54:16.002 --> 00:54:19.255
I would drop the mic, but I paid for it.

1060
00:54:21.883 --> 00:54:23.426
[laughter]

1061
00:54:24.219 --> 00:54:26.012
That was sweet, man.

1062
00:54:26.096 --> 00:54:27.263
Holy shit.

1063
00:54:27.347 --> 00:54:28.515
Tearjerker ending.

1064
00:54:28.598 --> 00:54:29.516
Oh, God.

1065
00:54:29.599 --> 00:54:30.433
Yup.

1066
00:54:31.184 --> 00:54:32.185
I thought of two things.

1067
00:54:32.268 --> 00:54:36.272
The first thing I thought of was,
I might owe Drew Michaels an apology.

1068
00:54:36.356 --> 00:54:38.274
Because he made a special
with no audience

1069
00:54:38.358 --> 00:54:39.192
and I hated it.

1070
00:54:39.275 --> 00:54:40.318
Ah!

1071
00:54:40.944 --> 00:54:45.699
Because I looked at it like
a swimming meet with no water.

1072
00:54:46.408 --> 00:54:48.451
Like that's the whole thing.

1073
00:54:49.285 --> 00:54:54.874
But this... was very endearing.

1074
00:54:54.958 --> 00:54:55.834
It was amazing.

1075
00:54:55.917 --> 00:54:57.335
This... [grumbles]

1076
00:54:58.378 --> 00:54:59.587
[Letterman] The form is different.

1077
00:54:59.671 --> 00:55:02.549
It's not strictly speaking stand-up.
It's something else.

1078
00:55:03.425 --> 00:55:08.680
And the great gift could have been
to be in a room full of people

1079
00:55:08.763 --> 00:55:10.974
when Norm did that for those people.

1080
00:55:11.057 --> 00:55:13.476
Because that would have evaluated,
measured,

1081
00:55:13.560 --> 00:55:15.228
and directed what he's talking about.

1082
00:55:15.311 --> 00:55:17.689
And for us to sit here and look at it

1083
00:55:17.772 --> 00:55:21.234
is not a true test of anything really
other than we all love Norm

1084
00:55:22.068 --> 00:55:24.279
and, my God, he is certainly prolific.

1085
00:55:24.904 --> 00:55:26.031
Certainly energetic.

1086
00:55:26.114 --> 00:55:29.951
But we weren't watching stand-up comedy
because it was impossible.

1087
00:55:30.035 --> 00:55:32.787
But there's something there,
for sure.

1088
00:55:32.871 --> 00:55:34.706
-There's no question.
-Yeah.

1089
00:55:35.290 --> 00:55:37.333
[Chappelle]
I also forget how poetic he is.

1090
00:55:37.417 --> 00:55:38.543
Yeah.

1091
00:55:38.626 --> 00:55:43.381
With Norm, I didn't know him that well
in the '90s.

1092
00:55:43.465 --> 00:55:46.384
Then when my dad died,
I had to do a movie with Norm,

1093
00:55:46.468 --> 00:55:48.511
and I tried everything to get out
of that movie

1094
00:55:48.595 --> 00:55:50.055
because I was inconsolable.

1095
00:55:50.722 --> 00:55:51.973
I couldn't get out of it.

1096
00:55:52.057 --> 00:55:55.727
And working with him was the greatest
thing that ever happened to me.

1097
00:55:55.810 --> 00:55:59.230
It was like, he was the right guy
at the right time.

1098
00:55:59.314 --> 00:56:00.899
I was inconsolable.

1099
00:56:00.982 --> 00:56:03.693
Did he talk to you about your dad a lot?
What did he do?

1100
00:56:03.777 --> 00:56:05.361
Never came up.

1101
00:56:05.445 --> 00:56:07.739
He just made me laugh.

1102
00:56:07.822 --> 00:56:08.948
[Sandler] Yeah, right, right.

1103
00:56:09.032 --> 00:56:14.370
He just, you know, it was wistful,
and amusing.

1104
00:56:14.454 --> 00:56:15.663
You know how Norm is.

1105
00:56:15.747 --> 00:56:18.708
You never knew if he was
setting something up or not.

1106
00:56:18.792 --> 00:56:20.376
We were just hanging out,
all of a sudden

1107
00:56:20.460 --> 00:56:22.921
it'd be like this punchline
out of nowhere, but...

1108
00:56:23.463 --> 00:56:25.131
it started to become like a...

1109
00:56:25.215 --> 00:56:27.550
work was like a church I go to.

1110
00:56:27.634 --> 00:56:28.927
I couldn't wait to get to work

1111
00:56:29.010 --> 00:56:31.012
-and hang around this guy.
-Yeah. Sweet.

1112
00:56:31.096 --> 00:56:32.555
[Chappelle] And I knew he was special.

1113
00:56:32.639 --> 00:56:34.849
-Yeah.
-And...

1114
00:56:36.351 --> 00:56:40.105
I've known people for years and years
that didn't make me laugh

1115
00:56:40.188 --> 00:56:43.066
as much as he did in that eight
or ten weeks.

1116
00:56:43.149 --> 00:56:44.901
He's like a real special person to me.

1117
00:56:44.984 --> 00:56:47.278
And the way he's funny,

1118
00:56:47.862 --> 00:56:50.615
I just never seen someone
get at it like that.

1119
00:56:51.282 --> 00:56:52.117
Yeah.

1120
00:56:52.742 --> 00:56:55.495
The element that I always admired

1121
00:56:55.578 --> 00:56:57.580
was the connection to the audience.

1122
00:56:58.289 --> 00:57:01.126
And his asides,
and his looks and his pauses

1123
00:57:01.668 --> 00:57:06.589
were interpreted exactly the way he knew
they would be interpreted

1124
00:57:06.673 --> 00:57:12.220
and that fueled the ridiculous nature
of some of the presentation.

1125
00:57:12.303 --> 00:57:15.473
And without that audience,
you don't get

1126
00:57:15.557 --> 00:57:17.559
-the full measure of Norm.
-Yeah.

1127
00:57:17.642 --> 00:57:20.186
It was like the audience was his partner.

1128
00:57:20.270 --> 00:57:22.605
Everybody was in this together with Norm.

1129
00:57:23.064 --> 00:57:24.816
I agree. I like the way you said it.

1130
00:57:24.899 --> 00:57:26.025
The audience was his partner.

1131
00:57:26.109 --> 00:57:32.699
That kind of felt like the gentle Norm
that when you would sit and hang out

1132
00:57:32.782 --> 00:57:35.660
after our shows on the road
or we'd be on the bus with him.

1133
00:57:35.743 --> 00:57:37.120
He'd still be being funny.

1134
00:57:37.579 --> 00:57:39.372
He would kind of perform like that.

1135
00:57:39.456 --> 00:57:41.624
Like, he'd say his material to you,

1136
00:57:41.708 --> 00:57:43.918
he'd kind of commit to it,

1137
00:57:44.002 --> 00:57:46.588
but he just kept going
and going and going.

1138
00:57:46.671 --> 00:57:49.424
It looked like he was just like,
"I want to get everything out.

1139
00:57:49.507 --> 00:57:52.719
Everything I've been thinking about."
Anyways...

1140
00:57:52.802 --> 00:57:59.017
He had, I think, the best word choice
of maybe any comedian I've ever seen.

1141
00:57:59.100 --> 00:58:01.186
He intentionally mispronounces words.

1142
00:58:01.269 --> 00:58:02.520
-Yeah.
-[Sandler] That's right.

1143
00:58:02.604 --> 00:58:03.646
[O'Brien] When he knows...

1144
00:58:03.730 --> 00:58:06.649
he knows how to say "TV",
he says it's "the TV".

1145
00:58:06.733 --> 00:58:09.110
He came on our show,
I think it was his first appearance,

1146
00:58:09.194 --> 00:58:11.571
he was talking about a Doberman,
and he said it's a "Dober-man".

1147
00:58:11.654 --> 00:58:13.031
And he knows!

1148
00:58:13.114 --> 00:58:16.826
But he's constantly screwing with you
on every level.

1149
00:58:16.910 --> 00:58:17.827
[Letterman] Right.

1150
00:58:17.911 --> 00:58:21.831
But his word choice,
he was like Mark Twain.

1151
00:58:21.915 --> 00:58:25.877
He had this folksy,
completely out-of-time...

1152
00:58:25.960 --> 00:58:28.546
I don't know if he was born
300 years too late

1153
00:58:28.630 --> 00:58:29.464
or 300 years too early,

1154
00:58:29.547 --> 00:58:32.008
but he's talking in a way...
no one speaks like that.

1155
00:58:32.091 --> 00:58:36.429
And you really appreciate
the way he says things.

1156
00:58:36.513 --> 00:58:38.723
-And his timing.
-He talks like a 1930s

1157
00:58:38.806 --> 00:58:41.100
-Canadian dock worker.
-Yeah.

1158
00:58:41.184 --> 00:58:45.188
Does it remind you a bit of
<i>Face In The Crowd?</i>

1159
00:58:45.271 --> 00:58:49.192
Some of the early stuff where
he's just communicating

1160
00:58:49.275 --> 00:58:51.319
from himself to a radio audience?

1161
00:58:51.402 --> 00:58:53.363
That's what I thought of early on in this.

1162
00:58:53.446 --> 00:58:54.280
[O'Brien] Yeah.

1163
00:58:54.364 --> 00:58:58.076
You know, it's funny because the way
I experienced him,

1164
00:58:58.159 --> 00:59:02.914
as you did, Dave,
was really on the talk show format.

1165
00:59:02.997 --> 00:59:07.418
And later on, when I would look
at the clips of him on my show,

1166
00:59:07.502 --> 00:59:10.255
I would think--
I don't even know that I needed to--

1167
00:59:10.338 --> 00:59:11.965
I was there just laughing.

1168
00:59:12.048 --> 00:59:13.758
But I was in no way...

1169
00:59:13.841 --> 00:59:15.718
He's totally self-fueled.

1170
00:59:15.802 --> 00:59:18.763
Yes, it's nice when you hear
the audience there, but he's also...

1171
00:59:20.265 --> 00:59:22.517
you know, what he's doing
is so absurd and ridiculous.

1172
00:59:22.600 --> 00:59:26.354
This was an exercise in...
I couldn't do that if you just put

1173
00:59:26.813 --> 00:59:28.147
-a camera there...
-[Letterman] No.

1174
00:59:28.565 --> 00:59:30.817
...and said you've got 50 minutes and go.

1175
00:59:31.693 --> 00:59:34.862
I would become, I would lose
my train of thought, or I would--

1176
00:59:34.946 --> 00:59:39.033
I need other people there
for me to find the next thing.

1177
00:59:39.117 --> 00:59:41.202
He's completely...

1178
00:59:41.286 --> 00:59:44.330
When I look at his appearances
that he did with me,

1179
00:59:44.414 --> 00:59:46.040
I think, I didn't need to be there.

1180
00:59:46.124 --> 00:59:47.709
I mean, I'm glad I was there.

1181
00:59:47.792 --> 00:59:49.544
I'm selfishly glad I was there.

1182
00:59:49.627 --> 00:59:50.878
[Spade] You need a second to think.

1183
00:59:50.962 --> 00:59:52.839
I don't know if he's got a set list.

1184
00:59:52.922 --> 00:59:55.300
There's no really looking down,
there's no fumbling,

1185
00:59:55.383 --> 00:59:58.761
there's no think--
it was just kind of go, go, go.

1186
00:59:58.845 --> 01:00:01.723
I didn't see where that would be
and to remember all that?

1187
01:00:01.806 --> 01:00:05.268
The presentation,
considering the circumstance,

1188
01:00:05.351 --> 01:00:07.812
the presentation was robust
for God's sake.

1189
01:00:07.895 --> 01:00:09.022
-Yeah.
-Yeah.

1190
01:00:09.105 --> 01:00:11.232
I like the messiness.
I like the dog.

1191
01:00:11.316 --> 01:00:13.401
The dog and that phone call.

1192
01:00:13.484 --> 01:00:16.029
You were saying
the guy without the audience.

1193
01:00:16.112 --> 01:00:18.448
This is just more,
there was no choice.

1194
01:00:18.531 --> 01:00:20.408
It's different when he just has to do it.

1195
01:00:20.491 --> 01:00:22.035
The other guy picked
not to have an audience.

1196
01:00:22.118 --> 01:00:23.411
That's absolutely right.

1197
01:00:23.494 --> 01:00:25.038
I didn't even think it was possible.

1198
01:00:25.121 --> 01:00:26.247
Yeah.

1199
01:00:26.331 --> 01:00:28.750
I feel like he landed the trick.

1200
01:00:28.833 --> 01:00:29.667
Yeah.

1201
01:00:29.751 --> 01:00:32.879
-His timing is like a drummer's.
-[all agreeing]

1202
01:00:32.962 --> 01:00:34.505
It's like a jazz drummer.

1203
01:00:34.589 --> 01:00:37.300
What would the timing have been
with an audience?

1204
01:00:37.383 --> 01:00:38.343
Still perfect?

1205
01:00:39.344 --> 01:00:41.721
I can't tell, you know.

1206
01:00:41.804 --> 01:00:44.807
He's so nice with it,
I feel like

1207
01:00:45.516 --> 01:00:48.436
it looked like
it was supposed to be that.

1208
01:00:48.519 --> 01:00:50.313
-It's hard to explain.
-[Sandler] Right, yeah.

1209
01:00:50.396 --> 01:00:52.940
This is like listening
to a good book on tape.

1210
01:00:53.024 --> 01:00:54.067
[Sandler] Mm-hmm.

1211
01:00:55.026 --> 01:00:56.152
Yeah.

1212
01:00:56.944 --> 01:00:58.946
-It's really...
-Yeah, yeah, that's good.

1213
01:00:59.030 --> 01:01:01.574
It reminds me of what I liked about him.

1214
01:01:02.367 --> 01:01:05.286
He's a soothing person to be around.

1215
01:01:05.370 --> 01:01:06.871
[Sandler] Yeah, gentle, gentle.

1216
01:01:06.954 --> 01:01:10.625
My favorite comedy makes--
is kind of intuitive.

1217
01:01:10.708 --> 01:01:13.336
It makes people feel safe,
like everything's going to be all right.

1218
01:01:13.419 --> 01:01:14.337
-[Sandler] Right.
-This guy was

1219
01:01:14.420 --> 01:01:18.007
-in a weird way reconciling his mortality.
-[Shannon] Yeah.

1220
01:01:18.091 --> 01:01:20.343
Hilariously in front of us.

1221
01:01:20.426 --> 01:01:23.596
Ironically, he's no longer with us.

1222
01:01:23.680 --> 01:01:24.639
Oh, yeah.

1223
01:01:24.722 --> 01:01:27.767
We're sitting in the aftermath
of the life of Norm Macdonald,

1224
01:01:27.850 --> 01:01:31.813
watching him be incredibly alive.

1225
01:01:32.438 --> 01:01:33.481
[Letterman] But, he...

1226
01:01:34.774 --> 01:01:37.819
his circumstance,
he nudged into it several times...

1227
01:01:37.902 --> 01:01:40.029
-Right.
-...but didn't linger.

1228
01:01:40.571 --> 01:01:44.784
And to us, from this perspective,
powerfully meaningful.

1229
01:01:44.867 --> 01:01:47.328
He definitely wanted--
I'm sorry, Molly.

1230
01:01:47.829 --> 01:01:49.038
No, you go, Adam.

1231
01:01:49.122 --> 01:01:51.416
I was just going to say he definitely
wanted to make the point

1232
01:01:51.499 --> 01:01:52.500
he loves his mom.

1233
01:01:52.583 --> 01:01:54.836
That's what I was going to say!

1234
01:01:54.919 --> 01:01:58.589
There was a moment where
you just have this glimpse

1235
01:01:58.673 --> 01:02:02.009
where he takes a pause and he's like,
"She's great."

1236
01:02:02.093 --> 01:02:03.177
-Yeah.
-[Shannon] Remember?

1237
01:02:03.261 --> 01:02:04.262
Absolutely.

1238
01:02:04.345 --> 01:02:05.930
It was so touching.

1239
01:02:06.013 --> 01:02:07.765
He's talking a lot about mortality.

1240
01:02:07.849 --> 01:02:09.267
He's talking a lot about death.

1241
01:02:09.350 --> 01:02:11.436
Obviously, now that people,

1242
01:02:11.519 --> 01:02:14.731
you know, comics talk
about that all the time, but...

1243
01:02:15.606 --> 01:02:16.941
it has this...

1244
01:02:17.024 --> 01:02:20.653
How would those have registered in front
of a live audience, do you think?

1245
01:02:21.362 --> 01:02:23.906
"Not wanting to suck his mother's tits"
would kill.

1246
01:02:23.990 --> 01:02:25.324
That was murder!

1247
01:02:25.408 --> 01:02:27.785
He went all the way around the barn
for that one.

1248
01:02:28.327 --> 01:02:30.872
That's right! He went all the way
around the barn.

1249
01:02:30.955 --> 01:02:34.917
He had this great way of making you...
he'd plant the seed,

1250
01:02:35.001 --> 01:02:38.963
walk all over the hill, around the silo,

1251
01:02:39.046 --> 01:02:40.173
down to the brook.

1252
01:02:40.256 --> 01:02:41.632
You've forgotten about it,

1253
01:02:41.716 --> 01:02:44.302
and then he lands that again
and it's joyous.

1254
01:02:44.385 --> 01:02:46.304
It's just joyous, but I, you know,

1255
01:02:46.387 --> 01:02:50.892
this form makes me so appreciate
what I always knew.

1256
01:02:51.350 --> 01:02:55.480
His face, his eyes, and his eyebrows.

1257
01:02:55.563 --> 01:02:57.398
There's something almost
like a jack-o'-lantern.

1258
01:02:57.482 --> 01:02:59.025
He's got such a great...

1259
01:02:59.859 --> 01:03:02.153
his expressions
when he's talking about

1260
01:03:02.528 --> 01:03:05.615
after someone's completed the act,

1261
01:03:05.698 --> 01:03:08.409
when he becomes,
"What am I going to do now?"

1262
01:03:08.493 --> 01:03:09.619
"I'll have a cheese sandwich."

1263
01:03:09.702 --> 01:03:13.039
He's such a terrific performer.

1264
01:03:13.122 --> 01:03:14.749
He's really just got this.

1265
01:03:15.249 --> 01:03:19.128
And he's telling the whole story like,

1266
01:03:19.212 --> 01:03:22.298
I don't know,
a great 1920s silent film comic.

1267
01:03:22.381 --> 01:03:27.053
When he smiled,
I could picture him as a child.

1268
01:03:27.136 --> 01:03:28.012
-Aw.
-Oh, yeah.

1269
01:03:28.095 --> 01:03:31.265
He has a...
you know, he's my senior,

1270
01:03:31.349 --> 01:03:33.726
but he's got a boyish charm.

1271
01:03:33.810 --> 01:03:37.647
-When he laughs at his own jokes.
-Man, him laughing is amazing.

1272
01:03:38.105 --> 01:03:41.526
There's something just joyful
about watching it.

1273
01:03:41.609 --> 01:03:44.070
Does anybody know the length of time
it would take him

1274
01:03:44.153 --> 01:03:46.239
to compile an hour of material?

1275
01:03:46.322 --> 01:03:48.282
Would that be six months, a year?

1276
01:03:48.366 --> 01:03:49.450
He had more material.

1277
01:03:49.534 --> 01:03:54.080
We were on the road one time and he would
swap sets out of nowhere.

1278
01:03:54.163 --> 01:03:56.707
He'd be like, "I'm gonna try something."

1279
01:03:56.791 --> 01:03:58.251
He didn't really talk about it.

1280
01:03:58.334 --> 01:03:59.418
We'd say, "You doing this joke?"

1281
01:03:59.502 --> 01:04:02.088
-He'd be like, "I don't know about that."
-[Spade] He'd flip a whole set.

1282
01:04:02.171 --> 01:04:03.297
He'd flip-- yeah.

1283
01:04:03.381 --> 01:04:06.300
One time, in some conversation, he goes,

1284
01:04:06.384 --> 01:04:09.220
"I got a good eight hours now."
Or something like that.

1285
01:04:09.303 --> 01:04:10.555
Eight hours.

1286
01:04:10.638 --> 01:04:12.974
You remember that <i>Star Search </i>bit
he used to do?

1287
01:04:13.057 --> 01:04:15.351
The scaffolding in the bit
was always the same,

1288
01:04:15.434 --> 01:04:18.020
but I've never seen him do it
the same twice.

1289
01:04:18.104 --> 01:04:20.815
He would just make up these crazy
<i>Star Search </i>intros.

1290
01:04:20.898 --> 01:04:24.694
<i>-</i>Oh, <i>Star Search.</i>
-[Chappelle] <i>Star Search...</i>

1291
01:04:24.777 --> 01:04:27.989
"This next band has been kicking around
the Miami area for the last 15 years.

1292
01:04:28.072 --> 01:04:29.866
Give it up for 'Overnight Sensation,'"
he'd say.

1293
01:04:30.741 --> 01:04:33.786
He would do that.
He had a million of them.

1294
01:04:33.870 --> 01:04:36.080
And I've seen him do the bit
a bunch of times,

1295
01:04:36.163 --> 01:04:37.248
never the same.

1296
01:04:37.331 --> 01:04:39.792
The scaffolding was the same,
the lyrics always change.

1297
01:04:39.876 --> 01:04:43.629
He also had an infinite collection
of old stories.

1298
01:04:43.713 --> 01:04:50.386
I think probably from rural Canada
or traveling salesman stories.

1299
01:04:50.469 --> 01:04:53.639
And I would be delighted
because he'd come out

1300
01:04:53.723 --> 01:04:55.433
and I'd be laughing,

1301
01:04:55.516 --> 01:04:58.853
only person I could say this about,
I'd be laughing before he did anything.

1302
01:04:59.437 --> 01:05:00.980
He'd come out from behind the curtain

1303
01:05:01.063 --> 01:05:03.441
and he's got those cheeks and those eyes.

1304
01:05:03.524 --> 01:05:05.651
And I'm... I've looked at the tape,
I'm just laughing.

1305
01:05:05.735 --> 01:05:06.861
He hasn't done anything yet.

1306
01:05:06.944 --> 01:05:08.487
Then I... "Norm, how are you?"

1307
01:05:08.571 --> 01:05:10.156
He's like... [mumbles]

1308
01:05:10.239 --> 01:05:14.410
"Bought a farm." And I know immediately
this is complete bullshit.

1309
01:05:15.202 --> 01:05:21.167
You know, the whole thing is a complete
waste of everyone's time

1310
01:05:21.250 --> 01:05:23.419
-and it's joyous.
-[Letterman] Right.

1311
01:05:23.502 --> 01:05:24.962
He's reveling in it.

1312
01:05:25.046 --> 01:05:27.089
He's reveling in every second of it.

1313
01:05:27.173 --> 01:05:28.966
This wife Ruth he was speaking of...

1314
01:05:29.050 --> 01:05:31.010
Nothing's real!

1315
01:05:31.093 --> 01:05:32.386
Yeah. Agnes at the desk.

1316
01:05:32.470 --> 01:05:34.764
Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah.

1317
01:05:35.765 --> 01:05:40.394
I can remember reading his autobiography
and enjoying it,

1318
01:05:40.478 --> 01:05:43.147
but being greatly disappointed
about ten pages in

1319
01:05:43.230 --> 01:05:44.857
when I realized it was all fantasy.

1320
01:05:44.941 --> 01:05:49.528
-[all laughing]
-I want to know about Norm's life,

1321
01:05:49.612 --> 01:05:52.031
but this was other solar system.

1322
01:05:52.573 --> 01:05:55.952
We were on the road.
It was Adam and Rob Schneider,

1323
01:05:56.035 --> 01:05:58.829
Norm and a bunch of us.

1324
01:05:58.913 --> 01:06:00.581
Some nights he would flip the whole set.

1325
01:06:00.665 --> 01:06:02.667
But some nights he would do
like the bomb set.

1326
01:06:02.750 --> 01:06:04.752
And he would just walk people.

1327
01:06:05.461 --> 01:06:08.381
He would do it almost on purpose.
You know?

1328
01:06:08.464 --> 01:06:11.842
Some nights he would say,
"This is the set you're getting..."

1329
01:06:12.551 --> 01:06:18.432
He did-- this is courtesy of Jim Downey
who did "Update" with Norm.

1330
01:06:18.516 --> 01:06:21.727
The thing that stuns me is he used to...

1331
01:06:21.811 --> 01:06:24.355
there's drafts for <i>Saturday Night Live</i>
and then there's air.

1332
01:06:24.438 --> 01:06:30.486
And Norm would do his set for "Update"
in front of the dress crowd.

1333
01:06:30.569 --> 01:06:33.364
There'd be certain jokes
that got absolutely nothing.

1334
01:06:33.447 --> 01:06:37.618
Now, a sketch can maybe do better on air
than it did--

1335
01:06:37.702 --> 01:06:42.039
but a joke, if it bombs at dress
in that format,

1336
01:06:42.123 --> 01:06:44.375
it will bomb on air.
It just will.

1337
01:06:44.458 --> 01:06:50.172
So he had undisputed proof
that his joke was going to bomb.

1338
01:06:50.256 --> 01:06:51.507
But he liked the joke.

1339
01:06:52.258 --> 01:06:54.969
He'd turn to Downey
and say, "We're doing it."

1340
01:06:55.052 --> 01:06:57.513
And Downey would say,
"That's a great joke."

1341
01:06:57.596 --> 01:07:00.099
"Yeah, we're doing it."
Now, that...

1342
01:07:00.808 --> 01:07:04.186
I like to do well.

1343
01:07:04.270 --> 01:07:07.940
And if I'm handed absolute proof
that I will fail,

1344
01:07:08.024 --> 01:07:09.316
I will change course.

1345
01:07:09.400 --> 01:07:10.943
I will admit it.

1346
01:07:11.027 --> 01:07:12.903
I'm not-- that guy,

1347
01:07:12.987 --> 01:07:16.407
there's something in him
that's unbelievably fearless.

1348
01:07:16.490 --> 01:07:20.286
What you're describing there,
when I would watch those segments,

1349
01:07:20.369 --> 01:07:21.912
they were delightful.

1350
01:07:21.996 --> 01:07:25.374
There was something more exciting
and interesting about the silence

1351
01:07:25.458 --> 01:07:31.839
-and Norm's joy at having landed the dud.
-Holding his smile.

1352
01:07:31.922 --> 01:07:33.841
It was thrilling.

1353
01:07:33.924 --> 01:07:35.259
It was heroic.

1354
01:07:36.510 --> 01:07:41.766
He was telling us, "This is a good joke
and I'm sticking with it."

1355
01:07:42.391 --> 01:07:45.603
His eyes would just light up
when he was getting nothing.

1356
01:07:45.686 --> 01:07:48.606
"You've got what I'm serving tonight.

1357
01:07:48.689 --> 01:07:50.566
This is what we're serving
at the restaurant.

1358
01:07:50.649 --> 01:07:52.651
This is what you're eating.

1359
01:07:52.735 --> 01:07:53.736
There you go."

1360
01:07:53.819 --> 01:07:56.447
-Yeah.
-That's a perfect way to put it.

1361
01:07:56.530 --> 01:07:58.115
It's like a master chef.

1362
01:07:58.199 --> 01:08:01.160
"What do you know?
Fuck your taste buds."

1363
01:08:01.243 --> 01:08:04.663
The sushi restaurant where they go,
"We don't do California Rolls here."

1364
01:08:06.874 --> 01:08:11.545
I just like that that guy is certain...

1365
01:08:12.171 --> 01:08:14.006
in his sensibility.

1366
01:08:14.090 --> 01:08:16.050
It's fun to watch.

1367
01:08:16.133 --> 01:08:18.844
You get more than a joke and a laugh.

1368
01:08:19.386 --> 01:08:22.431
You get that tone, you get that attitude.

1369
01:08:22.515 --> 01:08:26.185
There is that invisible connection.

1370
01:08:26.268 --> 01:08:28.354
We know what you're up to, Norm.

1371
01:08:28.437 --> 01:08:29.480
This is what we love.

1372
01:08:30.106 --> 01:08:32.483
It's like why rock and roll is cool.

1373
01:08:32.566 --> 01:08:35.486
The swag of, like, he's just doing it.

1374
01:08:35.945 --> 01:08:37.446
It's '80s hip, bro.

1375
01:08:37.530 --> 01:08:38.656
It was great.

1376
01:08:38.739 --> 01:08:40.825
He came on our show one time,

1377
01:08:41.659 --> 01:08:44.995
your old studio, <i>The Late Night Show.</i>
And he--

1378
01:08:45.079 --> 01:08:47.456
I went in just to say hi
before the segment.

1379
01:08:47.957 --> 01:08:51.043
He's in the dressing room right
outside the double doors.

1380
01:08:51.627 --> 01:08:55.464
Inconsolable because he had bet
on a big game that had just ended.

1381
01:08:56.674 --> 01:08:58.467
Oh, yeah! He would get mad.

1382
01:08:58.551 --> 01:09:01.262
I'm there to try and make sure
that the guest is in a good mood.

1383
01:09:01.929 --> 01:09:03.639
We're going to have a good ramp up.

1384
01:09:03.722 --> 01:09:05.808
And I remembered him:
"That's a lot of money!"

1385
01:09:05.891 --> 01:09:07.810
Yeah, yeah.

1386
01:09:07.893 --> 01:09:10.563
And I hear the band outside.
[mimics band playing]

1387
01:09:10.646 --> 01:09:12.481
It's going to be good time show business

1388
01:09:12.565 --> 01:09:14.900
with a man that just lost
55 thousand--

1389
01:09:14.984 --> 01:09:16.610
Who knows what he lost, you know?

1390
01:09:16.694 --> 01:09:18.445
Recently destitute Norm Macdonald.

1391
01:09:18.529 --> 01:09:20.865
-[O'Brien] Exactly, yeah.
-Did he give that up, do we know?

1392
01:09:20.948 --> 01:09:22.491
-I don't know.
-I don't--

1393
01:09:22.575 --> 01:09:24.076
I don't know a hundred percent.

1394
01:09:24.160 --> 01:09:26.078
Whenever it was him reading an excerpt
from his book

1395
01:09:26.162 --> 01:09:27.413
or his book on tape,

1396
01:09:28.080 --> 01:09:34.003
where he describes his gambling addiction
so poetically.

1397
01:09:34.086 --> 01:09:35.129
Oh, wow.

1398
01:09:35.212 --> 01:09:36.797
He talks about roulette.

1399
01:09:36.881 --> 01:09:38.215
-Roulette.
-Yeah.

1400
01:09:38.299 --> 01:09:40.718
-It's a book on tape.
-How hopeful it is to be...

1401
01:09:40.801 --> 01:09:42.761
He's addicted to the hope of it.

1402
01:09:43.554 --> 01:09:46.932
And there's no way you can talk
about Norm and not,

1403
01:09:47.016 --> 01:09:51.061
because we all know
that gambling was part of his life.

1404
01:09:51.145 --> 01:09:53.898
And he, you can just--

1405
01:09:53.981 --> 01:09:57.735
in his comedy, he's just always putting
everything on 17 red,

1406
01:09:57.818 --> 01:09:58.944
or 35 black.

1407
01:10:00.196 --> 01:10:01.322
That's amazing.

1408
01:10:01.405 --> 01:10:04.158
It's really the same,
whatever, the same thrill.

1409
01:10:04.241 --> 01:10:06.076
You're right, that's interesting.

1410
01:10:06.493 --> 01:10:08.037
"I'm not taking that." You know?

1411
01:10:08.787 --> 01:10:11.498
I have a funny Norm gambling one.

1412
01:10:12.791 --> 01:10:16.629
And this is... everything is true because
some of it doesn't make sense.

1413
01:10:16.712 --> 01:10:18.380
But we lived in the same building.

1414
01:10:19.006 --> 01:10:21.675
I went up to visit him in his room.

1415
01:10:21.759 --> 01:10:24.011
We come over to his apartment, that was...

1416
01:10:24.470 --> 01:10:27.306
going into his apartment was bananas
as it is.

1417
01:10:27.389 --> 01:10:29.558
But we're having a nice time and I say,

1418
01:10:29.642 --> 01:10:30.684
"You got any soda?"

1419
01:10:32.019 --> 01:10:35.439
And I open up his fridge
and, I swear to God,

1420
01:10:35.522 --> 01:10:38.317
Twenty-five thousand dollars
worth of chips.

1421
01:10:38.901 --> 01:10:42.404
Atlantic City chips are in his fridge.
I go, "What's this?"

1422
01:10:42.488 --> 01:10:47.868
And he goes, "I won big.
I won big on Friday."

1423
01:10:47.952 --> 01:10:50.537
I said, "Why didn't you cash it in,
buddy?"

1424
01:10:50.621 --> 01:10:55.084
He goes, "I brought it here so I can talk
to Bernie Brillstein

1425
01:10:55.167 --> 01:10:57.461
to see how I don't have
to pay taxes on it."

1426
01:10:58.212 --> 01:10:59.546
So I go, "Oh."

1427
01:10:59.630 --> 01:11:02.591
He goes, "So I bring it back Monday.

1428
01:11:02.675 --> 01:11:07.596
He told me no matter what,
I gotta pay taxes so it didn't work out."

1429
01:11:07.680 --> 01:11:09.682
So, whatever, I go, "Oh, that sucks."

1430
01:11:09.765 --> 01:11:13.519
Anyways, I see him on <i>Saturday Night Live</i>
on Monday, I go,

1431
01:11:13.602 --> 01:11:16.480
"Did you cash it in?"
He goes, "I lost it all."

1432
01:11:16.563 --> 01:11:18.274
[all laugh]

1433
01:11:20.109 --> 01:11:22.278
We'd go down the elevators.

1434
01:11:22.361 --> 01:11:25.406
They have limos for us for the <i>SNL</i>
to go to the after-party.

1435
01:11:25.489 --> 01:11:29.660
So, we get in them and Max, the guy, goes,

1436
01:11:29.743 --> 01:11:32.830
"Norm sometimes takes us
to Atlantic City."

1437
01:11:32.913 --> 01:11:36.792
He skips the party to go right there
and that Monday he comes back,

1438
01:11:36.875 --> 01:11:38.836
he said the same thing,
"He keeps chips in his refrigerator

1439
01:11:38.919 --> 01:11:41.880
because no one looks in the fridge
if they're robbing him."

1440
01:11:42.548 --> 01:11:44.883
-Oh, that's funny!
-That's genius.

1441
01:11:44.967 --> 01:11:46.927
-Better than the Bernie.
-That's what I'm doing.

1442
01:11:47.011 --> 01:11:49.179
That's fantastic.

1443
01:11:49.722 --> 01:11:50.639
Wow.

1444
01:11:50.723 --> 01:11:53.559
You guys are lucky to get to work with him
that way.

1445
01:11:53.642 --> 01:11:55.102
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

1446
01:11:55.686 --> 01:11:58.856
There's a few people in my career...

1447
01:11:59.398 --> 01:12:00.816
It's like why I go to the fights

1448
01:12:00.899 --> 01:12:02.359
if I know Mayweather is fighting.

1449
01:12:02.443 --> 01:12:04.320
Because I know this guy is great
and he's only got

1450
01:12:04.403 --> 01:12:06.155
so many fights in him.

1451
01:12:06.238 --> 01:12:07.364
This guy.

1452
01:12:07.448 --> 01:12:10.576
[Shannon] I was going to say
I really liked him right away.

1453
01:12:10.659 --> 01:12:12.619
I just saw him...

1454
01:12:12.703 --> 01:12:14.455
I felt like I understood him
a different way.

1455
01:12:14.538 --> 01:12:17.041
I felt deep down
he was actually very, very shy.

1456
01:12:17.124 --> 01:12:17.958
[Sandler] Oh, yeah.

1457
01:12:18.042 --> 01:12:19.418
-[Shannon] Don't you think?
-Very shy.

1458
01:12:19.501 --> 01:12:21.378
-And sweet.
-[Shannon] And so sweet.

1459
01:12:21.462 --> 01:12:23.922
He talked about your parents a lot.

1460
01:12:24.006 --> 01:12:26.675
He loved his dad more than anything.

1461
01:12:26.759 --> 01:12:28.260
He talked about his dad a lot.

1462
01:12:28.344 --> 01:12:31.138
He loved his mom, his brother...

1463
01:12:31.221 --> 01:12:33.015
-and his boy.
-Deeply, so sensitive.

1464
01:12:33.098 --> 01:12:35.768
When you lost your dad, Dave,
and you were talking about that,

1465
01:12:35.851 --> 01:12:38.771
I'm sure he really wanted
to make you feel so good.

1466
01:12:38.854 --> 01:12:41.482
So sweet and thoughtful,
probably thought deeply

1467
01:12:41.565 --> 01:12:43.567
about that that's how
he would approach it.

1468
01:12:43.650 --> 01:12:47.279
It was very, it seemed very thoughtful.

1469
01:12:47.363 --> 01:12:52.076
And wildly, disarmingly empathetic.

1470
01:12:52.159 --> 01:12:57.790
It's very rare that I'd meet somebody
in a professional situation

1471
01:12:59.416 --> 01:13:02.044
that made me put my dukes down like that.

1472
01:13:02.127 --> 01:13:05.005
Like, defenseless...

1473
01:13:05.089 --> 01:13:08.008
This guy doesn't have an ounce
of judgment in him

1474
01:13:08.092 --> 01:13:10.677
unless it's hilarious.

1475
01:13:10.761 --> 01:13:13.597
-Yeah.
-And Dave, when does that movie come out?

1476
01:13:13.680 --> 01:13:15.182
[laughter]

1477
01:13:15.265 --> 01:13:16.934
I remember when you did that movie.

1478
01:13:17.017 --> 01:13:18.227
-Yeah.
-I remember that.

1479
01:13:18.310 --> 01:13:20.562
The irony,
I really did try to get out of it.

1480
01:13:20.646 --> 01:13:24.650
But I couldn't imagine my life
without having done it

1481
01:13:24.733 --> 01:13:26.902
or getting to spend that time with him.

1482
01:13:26.985 --> 01:13:31.115
Do we know if he did any of this material
in front of an audience?

1483
01:13:31.198 --> 01:13:35.702
We knew some from that tour. That tour
was right before Corona, I think...

1484
01:13:35.786 --> 01:13:41.250
Remember the day before the lockdown,
Norm had some set that went viral.

1485
01:13:41.333 --> 01:13:45.754
-He did?
-It was a cookie jar dunk.

1486
01:13:45.838 --> 01:13:47.881
It was, it was...

1487
01:13:47.965 --> 01:13:51.844
I remember me and my buddies
in Ohio were all like,

1488
01:13:51.927 --> 01:13:54.096
"Yo, did you see this Norm Macdonald set?"
It was on YouTube.

1489
01:13:54.179 --> 01:13:55.389
Probably still on there.

1490
01:13:56.223 --> 01:13:57.641
He destroyed.

1491
01:13:58.308 --> 01:14:01.478
-He even--
-Right. At the Improv.

1492
01:14:01.562 --> 01:14:04.523
When he talked about the pandemic.

1493
01:14:04.606 --> 01:14:06.900
-It was incredible.
-It was a cookie jar dunk.

1494
01:14:06.984 --> 01:14:08.569
And you could tell it was off the rip.

1495
01:14:09.027 --> 01:14:14.950
It was all the anxiety the day before
the whole world goes into lockdown.

1496
01:14:15.033 --> 01:14:17.327
-Yeah.
-And he was just on some...

1497
01:14:17.411 --> 01:14:19.746
"Fuck it."
It felt so good.

1498
01:14:19.830 --> 01:14:23.000
Again, it made me feel like everything's
going to be fine.

1499
01:14:23.083 --> 01:14:27.129
If he were alive and were doing this show
that we watched tonight

1500
01:14:27.212 --> 01:14:29.882
somewhere in front of two, three hundred,
four hundred people...

1501
01:14:31.008 --> 01:14:32.509
killer, standing O?

1502
01:14:32.593 --> 01:14:34.178
What would be the impact?

1503
01:14:34.261 --> 01:14:38.807
The question to me is he's clearly
touching on some third rail stuff.

1504
01:14:38.891 --> 01:14:41.852
And it really depends on its...

1505
01:14:43.937 --> 01:14:47.232
Yeah, he didn't have to leave
on a big laugh.

1506
01:14:47.316 --> 01:14:51.278
He would go on,
some of his shit would murder.

1507
01:14:51.653 --> 01:14:53.530
Some of his shit would eat it,

1508
01:14:53.614 --> 01:14:56.617
some people would get annoyed,
upset that he said it.

1509
01:14:56.700 --> 01:14:59.369
Then, like most of us, you go,

1510
01:14:59.912 --> 01:15:02.706
"Let me get out of this fucking hole
and come up with a big joke

1511
01:15:02.789 --> 01:15:04.291
because I'm about to get off."

1512
01:15:04.374 --> 01:15:07.794
He'd go, "All right.
Let's keep going down.

1513
01:15:07.878 --> 01:15:09.213
We'll get out on that."

1514
01:15:09.296 --> 01:15:12.674
I'm certain that twenty-five minutes
of this would kill.

1515
01:15:12.758 --> 01:15:13.592
-Yeah.
-Right.

1516
01:15:13.675 --> 01:15:16.929
This would probably be about, with laughs,

1517
01:15:17.012 --> 01:15:21.600
it would have...
35, 38 minutes. Easy.

1518
01:15:21.683 --> 01:15:24.603
You'd have notes...
you'd have people saying--

1519
01:15:24.686 --> 01:15:27.022
[Spade]
Yeah, if you tried it, practiced it.

1520
01:15:27.105 --> 01:15:29.107
Plus that cannibal stuff.

1521
01:15:29.191 --> 01:15:32.152
When he says, "It gets on red,
I go, 'Fuck, so close!'"

1522
01:15:33.403 --> 01:15:36.365
There's some stuff
that's for sure laugh lines.

1523
01:15:36.448 --> 01:15:37.950
It would work anywhere.

1524
01:15:38.033 --> 01:15:40.160
Then he pulls you away from it
for a while.

1525
01:15:40.244 --> 01:15:42.329
And they're trickier stuff.

1526
01:15:42.412 --> 01:15:43.664
It's trickier to figure it out.

1527
01:15:43.747 --> 01:15:45.040
And he would lose some people.

1528
01:15:45.123 --> 01:15:48.001
It's hard to separate...
I'd buy it.

1529
01:15:48.085 --> 01:15:49.670
You know what I mean?
I'm in.

1530
01:15:49.753 --> 01:15:51.129
-Yeah.
-[Letterman] That's right.

1531
01:15:51.213 --> 01:15:52.130
Yeah.

1532
01:15:52.214 --> 01:15:54.341
It's like watching a four-hour Mooney set.

1533
01:15:54.424 --> 01:15:56.885
At a certain point it's like,
I'm just invested in this

1534
01:15:56.969 --> 01:15:58.387
as an experience.

1535
01:15:58.470 --> 01:16:01.098
And it's really hard to separate
myself from it.

1536
01:16:01.181 --> 01:16:05.185
It's fun to watch him acknowledge
what would be the silence.

1537
01:16:05.269 --> 01:16:06.603
-Yeah.
-Yeah.

1538
01:16:06.687 --> 01:16:08.730
-I can see.
-And enjoy it.

1539
01:16:08.814 --> 01:16:09.815
-Yeah.
-Enjoy it.

1540
01:16:09.898 --> 01:16:14.027
I can see the...
In his mind there was a crowd there.

1541
01:16:14.111 --> 01:16:16.613
He was anticipating his crowd.

1542
01:16:16.697 --> 01:16:22.286
Which reminds me again, this guy was very
deliberate in how he approached this.

1543
01:16:22.369 --> 01:16:24.121
'Cause it does seem like jazz.

1544
01:16:24.204 --> 01:16:25.539
It was very methodical.

1545
01:16:25.622 --> 01:16:28.292
It's funny because he's... you know.

1546
01:16:29.042 --> 01:16:35.007
All I've ever heard about Norm is that he
was the most widely read comedian.

1547
01:16:35.090 --> 01:16:36.717
Very widely read.

1548
01:16:36.800 --> 01:16:38.260
Highly intelligent.

1549
01:16:38.343 --> 01:16:44.933
I think a great, you know, mathematician.
Things that you would never think.

1550
01:16:45.017 --> 01:16:48.103
He was talented in all these areas

1551
01:16:48.186 --> 01:16:52.566
and choosing, "What's my diction,
what's my word going to be?"

1552
01:16:52.649 --> 01:16:54.109
"What's the right word here?

1553
01:16:54.192 --> 01:16:55.986
What's it exactly going to be?"

1554
01:16:56.069 --> 01:16:57.404
So you get this...

1555
01:16:57.487 --> 01:16:59.656
Because he seems reckless,

1556
01:16:59.740 --> 01:17:02.618
but he's also ruthlessly planned
everything out

1557
01:17:02.701 --> 01:17:03.702
and thought it through.

1558
01:17:03.785 --> 01:17:05.579
They don't seem to go together.

1559
01:17:05.662 --> 01:17:06.705
But with him, they do.

1560
01:17:06.788 --> 01:17:07.956
Yeah.

1561
01:17:08.040 --> 01:17:09.416
But was his...
I'm sorry, Molly.

1562
01:17:09.499 --> 01:17:13.795
I was going to say before...
in the last, whatever, 13, 14 years,

1563
01:17:13.879 --> 01:17:18.550
he got, as you say, Conan, he was reading
four or five books at a time.

1564
01:17:18.634 --> 01:17:19.926
Russian literature,

1565
01:17:20.010 --> 01:17:22.220
Mark Twain
was his favorite author.

1566
01:17:22.304 --> 01:17:24.640
He loved <i>Adventures of Huckleberry Finn</i>.

1567
01:17:24.723 --> 01:17:30.228
But he got really into reading
about God and Christianity.

1568
01:17:30.312 --> 01:17:34.441
-Oh, yeah.
-Really wanting to understand God.

1569
01:17:34.524 --> 01:17:37.736
-Where he's headed?
-And feeling maybe close to death.

1570
01:17:37.819 --> 01:17:39.780
-Yeah, sure.
-Or thinking about death,

1571
01:17:39.863 --> 01:17:42.366
but really, really wanting
to understand God.

1572
01:17:43.116 --> 01:17:44.785
I don't know how everyone else felt here,

1573
01:17:44.868 --> 01:17:47.871
but Norm got sick for quite a while

1574
01:17:47.954 --> 01:17:49.039
and he got sicker

1575
01:17:49.122 --> 01:17:50.082
and I didn't know.

1576
01:17:50.165 --> 01:17:53.502
I talked to so many people
who I was sure knew.

1577
01:17:53.585 --> 01:17:56.004
I thought, maybe I'm the only one
that doesn't know.

1578
01:17:56.088 --> 01:17:57.756
So many...
He didn't want anybody to know.

1579
01:17:57.839 --> 01:17:58.799
I didn't know.

1580
01:17:58.882 --> 01:18:00.759
And...

1581
01:18:00.842 --> 01:18:04.971
so, you know,
being the self-absorbed person I am,

1582
01:18:05.055 --> 01:18:08.100
I think a lot of us, we thought,
"Is he mad at me?"

1583
01:18:08.183 --> 01:18:09.768
"Is there something I did?"

1584
01:18:09.851 --> 01:18:12.312
Because we kept trying to get him
to come back on

1585
01:18:12.396 --> 01:18:16.108
and we couldn't.
He couldn't do it.

1586
01:18:16.191 --> 01:18:17.526
'Cause I don't think he was up for it.

1587
01:18:17.609 --> 01:18:21.071
And he didn't want to answer questions
about maybe his appearance,

1588
01:18:21.154 --> 01:18:22.739
-but I remembered...
-Yeah.

1589
01:18:22.823 --> 01:18:27.160
...when he went,
everybody in the community was...

1590
01:18:27.953 --> 01:18:30.580
we all thought we were the only one
that didn't know.

1591
01:18:30.664 --> 01:18:36.420
We were so upset that we didn't get a
chance to tell him what he meant to us.

1592
01:18:37.295 --> 01:18:41.091
I very quickly realized
he would not have tolerated that.

1593
01:18:41.174 --> 01:18:43.427
He didn't want any of us to tell him...

1594
01:18:43.510 --> 01:18:46.638
-He'd get grossed out.
-He'd get very unhappy.

1595
01:18:46.722 --> 01:18:48.849
Treat him different or laugh at his jokes.

1596
01:18:48.932 --> 01:18:51.893
You reflect on experiences
you had with him

1597
01:18:51.977 --> 01:18:53.520
during the time he was ill

1598
01:18:53.603 --> 01:18:57.441
and wondered if that had manifest itself
because of the illness.

1599
01:18:57.524 --> 01:18:58.400
[Spade] Right.

1600
01:18:58.483 --> 01:19:01.570
I'm curious as to what his process was,
if you knew how he wrote.

1601
01:19:02.362 --> 01:19:04.489
My experience was so chaotic.

1602
01:19:04.573 --> 01:19:07.075
You know, I thought this guy
is Evel Knievel.

1603
01:19:07.159 --> 01:19:10.162
He's going to jump Snake River Canyon,
he doesn't care.

1604
01:19:10.245 --> 01:19:13.248
But he put a ton of work
into what he was doing.

1605
01:19:13.331 --> 01:19:15.709
And worked it out a lot of the time.

1606
01:19:15.792 --> 01:19:18.670
So, I don't know what that process was,

1607
01:19:18.754 --> 01:19:23.091
but this really impressed me
with how self-contained it is.

1608
01:19:23.175 --> 01:19:24.676
-[Letterman] Yeah.
-And how...

1609
01:19:25.177 --> 01:19:28.388
He scribbled a lot of stuff
down all the time.

1610
01:19:28.472 --> 01:19:30.098
He was just like most comedians.

1611
01:19:30.182 --> 01:19:32.934
He was constantly writing his jokes down.

1612
01:19:33.018 --> 01:19:34.352
-[Letterman] It's a lot of work.
-Yeah.

1613
01:19:34.436 --> 01:19:37.856
-No laughs. A lot of work.
-[Sandler] Yeah.

1614
01:19:37.939 --> 01:19:41.234
You said something that reminded me of...

1615
01:19:41.318 --> 01:19:43.320
I don't know what story he was telling.

1616
01:19:43.403 --> 01:19:46.490
But the story was,
in the beginning of the story

1617
01:19:46.573 --> 01:19:49.534
he's telling, he used to go
to this Christian Revival Church.

1618
01:19:50.702 --> 01:19:54.122
He goes, "I don't really believe
any of this stuff."

1619
01:19:54.206 --> 01:19:55.749
I go, "Then why'd you go?"

1620
01:19:55.832 --> 01:19:59.252
I love what he said, I don't remember what
he was talking about.

1621
01:19:59.336 --> 01:20:01.338
He goes, "Because it made me feel good."

1622
01:20:02.088 --> 01:20:05.884
And the last time I saw him was
at The Comedy Store.

1623
01:20:06.593 --> 01:20:09.930
And he was uncharacteristically emotional.

1624
01:20:10.013 --> 01:20:12.015
-Yeah.
-And like he...

1625
01:20:12.098 --> 01:20:15.769
when we parted company, he was.

1626
01:20:15.852 --> 01:20:18.438
There's a picture of me and him.

1627
01:20:18.522 --> 01:20:20.732
And the back of Chris Rock's head.

1628
01:20:20.816 --> 01:20:21.858
I put it in my special.

1629
01:20:21.942 --> 01:20:25.237
That picture, it's at the end
of <i>The Closer,</i>

1630
01:20:26.029 --> 01:20:28.824
was the last time that I saw him.

1631
01:20:28.907 --> 01:20:31.201
-[Shannon] Wow.
-And he stood there.

1632
01:20:31.284 --> 01:20:34.246
He came up, he stood behind me,
I looked, hey, looked up.

1633
01:20:34.830 --> 01:20:40.502
And I realized he was posing
for the picture, in hindsight.

1634
01:20:40.585 --> 01:20:42.337
-[Sandler] Uh-huh.
-Like a gift.

1635
01:20:42.420 --> 01:20:43.713
That's nice.

1636
01:20:43.797 --> 01:20:46.550
It was a very fitting goodbye.

1637
01:20:46.633 --> 01:20:49.261
-That is so sweet, Dave.
-Yeah.

1638
01:20:50.804 --> 01:20:54.808
Hey, man, what about when he was emotional
saying goodbye to you on the show?

1639
01:20:54.891 --> 01:20:57.644
At the time, like Conan suggests,

1640
01:20:57.727 --> 01:21:00.355
I didn't know he was ill.
So, surprised.

1641
01:21:00.438 --> 01:21:02.190
In thinking about that moment,

1642
01:21:02.274 --> 01:21:05.735
he must have known a great deal
about what his future was

1643
01:21:05.819 --> 01:21:07.320
and how long it might have been.

1644
01:21:07.863 --> 01:21:11.908
I always took it
as an enormous compliment

1645
01:21:11.992 --> 01:21:15.662
that my emotional situation
had affected him.

1646
01:21:15.745 --> 01:21:18.248
-[Sandler] Right.
-But now, to be fair,

1647
01:21:19.207 --> 01:21:22.002
this guy knew more
than just I was leaving.

1648
01:21:22.085 --> 01:21:24.713
Well, he was crazy about you. I mean...

1649
01:21:24.796 --> 01:21:26.047
-Absolutely.
-That's very sweet.

1650
01:21:26.131 --> 01:21:28.466
I saw him on your show once and he said,

1651
01:21:28.550 --> 01:21:31.386
"I've seen more sunsets
than I will ever see."

1652
01:21:31.469 --> 01:21:33.847
He said that to you on the show.

1653
01:21:33.930 --> 01:21:35.473
In case you hear different.

1654
01:21:35.557 --> 01:21:37.350
-I'm sorry to interrupt, though.
-[O'Brien] No, that's okay.

1655
01:21:37.434 --> 01:21:40.312
I probably cut him off and said,
"We got to get to Al Roker now."

1656
01:21:40.395 --> 01:21:42.772
He probably was about
to say something very profound.

1657
01:21:42.856 --> 01:21:44.566
I'm like, "That's great, Norm.

1658
01:21:44.649 --> 01:21:48.111
Al Roker's here. He came up three floors
to be with us tonight.

1659
01:21:48.737 --> 01:21:50.906
And he's got nothing.
Al Roker."

1660
01:21:50.989 --> 01:21:54.701
I saw him at the <i>SNL </i>40th.

1661
01:21:54.784 --> 01:21:59.164
I didn't know he had cancer or anything,

1662
01:21:59.247 --> 01:22:02.000
but I remember as soon as he told me,
he was like,

1663
01:22:02.083 --> 01:22:04.502
"I love you, Molly."
He blurted it out right away.

1664
01:22:04.586 --> 01:22:07.881
I think I was like...
I just had a sense of like,

1665
01:22:09.007 --> 01:22:11.384
I could feel
that he had this kind of urgency

1666
01:22:11.468 --> 01:22:15.555
to say exactly what was on his mind
in the moment.

1667
01:22:15.639 --> 01:22:17.515
Because maybe he'll never
have that moment again.

1668
01:22:17.599 --> 01:22:20.769
I was like,
"Something's different with Norm."

1669
01:22:22.228 --> 01:22:25.148
The last time I saw him with any
regularity was

1670
01:22:25.231 --> 01:22:27.692
we all went on a tour to do stand-up.

1671
01:22:27.776 --> 01:22:28.985
The three of you guys?

1672
01:22:29.069 --> 01:22:31.237
-[Sandler] And a couple of other guys.
-We had a text chain of a bunch of us.

1673
01:22:31.321 --> 01:22:33.114
-We had a text chain.
-We'd all fuck around.

1674
01:22:33.198 --> 01:22:35.951
And then one time he was arguing
with Schneider about something

1675
01:22:36.034 --> 01:22:37.160
about stand-up
and he goes,

1676
01:22:37.243 --> 01:22:39.871
"I'm the best comic out of all of us."

1677
01:22:39.955 --> 01:22:41.331
And everyone went...
"Yeah."

1678
01:22:41.414 --> 01:22:44.626
-Yeah. That's true.
-No one fought back.

1679
01:22:44.709 --> 01:22:46.753
-They go, "Okay."
-You're right.

1680
01:22:46.836 --> 01:22:48.505
I think that's fair, honestly.

1681
01:22:48.588 --> 01:22:50.340
And we go, "Sure."

1682
01:22:50.423 --> 01:22:51.716
But he was...

1683
01:22:52.217 --> 01:22:55.762
the nice thing is we were flying around
or on the bus or backstage,

1684
01:22:55.845 --> 01:22:58.473
he would come in and do bits.

1685
01:22:58.556 --> 01:23:01.059
He wanted to keep--
I like that, you know?

1686
01:23:01.142 --> 01:23:03.311
People are still funny,
and he's a good laugher.

1687
01:23:03.395 --> 01:23:05.647
And that's always nice when a comic
is a good laugher too,

1688
01:23:05.730 --> 01:23:08.608
instead of just only going
one way with it.

1689
01:23:08.692 --> 01:23:11.903
They like to crack up with people,
and it was... that was a fucking blast.

1690
01:23:11.987 --> 01:23:13.446
Didn't he wear a cowboy hat
the whole time?

1691
01:23:13.530 --> 01:23:16.908
He bought a cowboy hat.
Norm all of a sudden with a cowboy hat.

1692
01:23:16.992 --> 01:23:19.411
-Walking around.
-It was so weird.

1693
01:23:19.494 --> 01:23:21.037
On stage he would sit sometimes.

1694
01:23:21.121 --> 01:23:22.580
He sometimes would sit.

1695
01:23:22.664 --> 01:23:25.083
Sometimes he'd be late in the morning,

1696
01:23:26.126 --> 01:23:29.087
because we're all taking off and I'd go,

1697
01:23:29.170 --> 01:23:32.799
"I would just go ahead.
Norm, man, we got to get to this place."

1698
01:23:32.924 --> 01:23:34.300
And he'd give me a look.

1699
01:23:34.384 --> 01:23:36.511
Then after he passed away I realized

1700
01:23:36.594 --> 01:23:38.179
he was giving me a look like,

1701
01:23:38.513 --> 01:23:41.099
"What the fuck do you want from me?
I'm going through some shit."

1702
01:23:41.182 --> 01:23:44.310
He'd be like, "Yeah, all right."

1703
01:23:44.394 --> 01:23:47.188
But never any deeper knowledge of it?

1704
01:23:47.272 --> 01:23:50.650
-Never anything.
-Yeah. Wow.

1705
01:23:50.734 --> 01:23:52.986
He did get emotional a lot, though.

1706
01:23:53.069 --> 01:23:56.031
On the whole tour,
he would just all of a sudden

1707
01:23:56.114 --> 01:23:57.699
get really teary-eyed and stuff

1708
01:23:57.782 --> 01:24:00.076
and he'd be like, "This is wonderful."

1709
01:24:00.160 --> 01:24:02.912
The tour itself.
And hanging out.

1710
01:24:02.996 --> 01:24:04.330
We'd have dinners and breakfast.

1711
01:24:04.414 --> 01:24:05.373
-[Spade] Yeah.
-And shit.

1712
01:24:05.457 --> 01:24:08.793
And he was more...
He'd just be so fun to see.

1713
01:24:08.877 --> 01:24:10.962
He had so much energy to hang.

1714
01:24:11.046 --> 01:24:13.590
The hard part about not telling people,

1715
01:24:13.673 --> 01:24:16.134
which, it would worry
me a little bit, is...

1716
01:24:17.427 --> 01:24:20.180
I got slightly angry
because during the thing,

1717
01:24:20.263 --> 01:24:22.807
he would set up dinners with me
and he would keep canceling.

1718
01:24:22.891 --> 01:24:26.186
I didn't know if it was a bit or...
but it got frustrating

1719
01:24:26.269 --> 01:24:30.148
because I go, "If you're scared of Corona,
just come over to the house.

1720
01:24:30.231 --> 01:24:32.442
It will just be me and you,
we'll sit across or whatever."

1721
01:24:32.525 --> 01:24:35.028
"Yeah, that's what I want.

1722
01:24:35.111 --> 01:24:36.988
I'd like just a good night with Davey."

1723
01:24:37.072 --> 01:24:38.740
And then he goes...

1724
01:24:38.823 --> 01:24:40.575
That night I go, "Where are you?"
He goes,

1725
01:24:40.658 --> 01:24:42.619
"I can't, it's COVID."

1726
01:24:42.702 --> 01:24:45.121
I go, "I know, we just talked about this."

1727
01:24:45.205 --> 01:24:47.248
And then a week later:
"Do you want to have dinner?"

1728
01:24:47.332 --> 01:24:50.502
And I go... fighting to fuck him up.

1729
01:24:50.585 --> 01:24:51.920
But I don't even know if it was--

1730
01:24:52.003 --> 01:24:53.713
I think he would maybe think about it

1731
01:24:53.797 --> 01:24:56.007
and then he'd go, "I don't feel good,"
or something.

1732
01:24:56.091 --> 01:25:00.261
But later I was getting irritated
because I'm like,

1733
01:25:00.345 --> 01:25:02.597
"You can come over."
I didn't know what was going on,

1734
01:25:02.680 --> 01:25:04.849
but if I did, of course,
I'd go, "Whatever you want."

1735
01:25:04.933 --> 01:25:07.393
I'm a little like that
because I would love to have dinner

1736
01:25:07.477 --> 01:25:08.895
with each of you
but it will never happen.

1737
01:25:08.978 --> 01:25:10.438
[all laugh]

1738
01:25:10.522 --> 01:25:12.190
We've all tried, Dave.

1739
01:25:12.273 --> 01:25:14.734
We've all tried. [laughs]

1740
01:25:20.782 --> 01:25:23.576
♪♪

1741
01:25:31.918 --> 01:25:35.004
<i>♪ I'm just an old chunk of coal ♪</i>

1742
01:25:36.214 --> 01:25:39.467
<i>♪ But I'm gonna be a diamond some day ♪</i>

1743
01:25:41.136 --> 01:25:44.430
<i>♪ I'm gonna grow and glow</i>
<i>Till I'm so blue ♪</i>

1744
01:25:44.514 --> 01:25:45.807
<i>♪ Perfect ♪</i>

1745
01:25:45.890 --> 01:25:49.477
<i>♪ I'm gonna put a smile on</i>
<i>Everybody's face ♪</i>

1746
01:25:50.687 --> 01:25:54.315
<i>♪ I'm gonna kneel and pray every day ♪</i>

1747
01:25:55.191 --> 01:25:58.695
<i>♪ Lest I should become vain</i>
<i>Along the way ♪</i>

1748
01:26:00.947 --> 01:26:05.118
<i>♪ I'm just an old chunk of coal now,</i>
<i>Lord ♪</i>

1749
01:26:05.201 --> 01:26:08.872
<i>♪ But I'm gonna be a diamond some day ♪</i>