WEBVTT FILE

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Downloaded from
YTS.MX

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Official YIFY movies site:
YTS.MX

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A NETFLIX COMEDY SPECIAL

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I don't know how to kiss girls.

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It's terrified me since I was a kid.

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Kissing girls scares me so much.

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Not long ago, I met a girl I liked a lot.

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At the end of the first date,
I couldn't kiss her.

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I tried.

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I think she didn't get what I was doing.

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First date, I couldn't kiss her.

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On the second date, I couldn't either.

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We set up a third date,

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and on the way, I felt so much pressure

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because the more dates are set,

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the more attempts there are,

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the more pressure there is.

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Just like the driving license.

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If you flunk it once,

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you hang on and study.

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Flunk it three times?
"Take the bus. You're a pain in the ass."

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Has anyone here flunked it several times?

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Clap if you have. Go on.

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You're proud too!

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"We can't read signs!"

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Some of you raised your hands.

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You didn't listen to the instructions
until the end.

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I know why you flunked your license.
Listen until the end.

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"Now, turn…"

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"No. Shucks. I was going to say right."

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"You turned left. Unfortunately,
that was an elementary school."

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"You've just killed eight children. Oops."

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"And a pregnant woman

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expecting twins. That's ten children!"

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I flunked mine so many times,
always because of parallel parking.

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Parallel parking scares me.

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I realized recently that parallel parking
was a symbolic action,

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like a kiss,
and if you mess that up, as a man,

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it means you're not a real man.
Which is ridiculous.

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What's perverted about a kiss is,

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you can't tell the girl,
"Hang on, I'll try again."

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"I'll do angle kissing!"
No, that doesn't work.

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You can't have a buddy behind her going,

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"Go on…"

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"Stop. Glottis."

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No.

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Third date,

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I couldn't kiss her.

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I felt so ridiculous,
I went home, and I vented to my housemate.

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I usually struggle to open up,

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but it's easy
because my housemate is my best friend.

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He was there because he always is.

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He's 40, and I love him, okay?

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I told him, "I think I'm afraid of
the moment when I go to kiss a girl."

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He gave me good advice.

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"Don't be afraid of the moment
when you go to kiss a girl."

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I said, "And?" And he said, "Yes."

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That's not advice.
That's denial. It doesn't work.

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-"Mom, I'm scare of the dark!"
-"Don't be scared, Timothée."

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"Go back to the cave, please."

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He told me,

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"You're scared of starting
because you're scared of being rejected."

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"Fourth date, you invite her here.
I'll be in my room. I won't listen."

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I was like, "That's a weird thing
to point out, but fine."

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"She rings the bell. You open."

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"Get her settled in.
She should talk for a long while."

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"At some point, you look her in the eye.
You interrupt her."

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"And you go…"

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"Go on, suck my dick."

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No, I'm joking!

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He told me…

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Should I use this tone for the whole show?
He told me…

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"You interrupt her,
and you say, 'I'm sorry.'"

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"I may kiss you in the next three minutes.
Go on.'"

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"If she goes, 'No, thank you,'
don't do it."

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A very good consent-based technique.

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He said, "But if she goes…"

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"'Okay.'"

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He said, "If she goes high-pitched,
the chick is happy."

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That sentence misogynists
used in the '80s.

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Like, "It's a good sign
if she wags her tail."

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Truly Neanderthal-like.

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It was my only advice.

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I invite her on a fourth date.
I'm so stressed.

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She's late because she's classy.

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So I had time to think behind the door.

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I think I know why
I don't know how to kiss the girls I like.

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It's because of my parents.

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They are the only couple I experienced.

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They've been together for 30 years.
I've never seen them kiss.

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Not one sign of affection.

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Like people who love each other a little,
but nothing crazy.

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They're like office colleagues
whose boss went,

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"Both of you,

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on Monday, I want a family on my desk."

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They were like, "The boss said it!"

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I don't understand
their dynamics as a couple.

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Sometimes I go eat at home.
I ring the bell.

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They open, like, "Hello, son!"

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They're like Sims. It's so weird.

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"How are you?"

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"I was well…"

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I see them about, and I think,
"How did you conceive me?"

104
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There are six children in my family.

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One child conceived every three years,
which is too mathematical for me.

106
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But I have a theory.

107
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Every three years…

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my parents rent a meeting room.

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They put on their outfits and like…

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Sex civil servants.

111
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Can't imagine anything
other than something very civil.

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Very cordial. "Hello."

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A handshake. I guess my dad rubs a bit.

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She picks it up in a little well
which she applies.

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She lies on her back, and it infuses.

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Like a small tea.

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A mommy fruit tea.

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That's my theory. Don't know.

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I can. She's my mom.

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I don't like that you laughed. No.

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My parents love each other.

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They just never look at each other.
I like to annoy my mom with that.

123
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I like to annoy my mom,
but with this at the moment.

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Sometimes I go home to wind her up.

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I tell her, "You don't love Dad.
You never look at him."

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"You can tell me.
I'm your son. Let's talk."

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She goes mental. "What are you saying?
Why are you saying that?"

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When he's two meters away, I go,
"Hey! You don't love him?"

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"You can tell me, even if I'm asleep!
'I don't love your dad! Let's talk!'"

130
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She broke down and said,

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"You don't understand anything about life,
you punk."

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She said, "Loving someone, Panayotis,
isn't about looking them in the eye."

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"It's about
looking in the same direction."

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"The same direction."

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It moved me.

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When she said this, it moved me,
but I didn't show my emotions.

137
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I reacted in a weird way.

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I just pushed my mom,

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and I said,
"That was ridiculous, what you said!"

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I screamed in her face

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with the choked voice
of a racist old lady.

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The voice of that lady
who opens her shutters at night,

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"Too many Arabs!"

144
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You know that lady, right?
That was my voice. It came out naturally.

145
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The worst is, the lady is right.

146
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My mom! My mom is right!

147
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Sorry. Oops.

148
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I mix them up as they're the same person.
But it's just…

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That was a joke! Okay!

150
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Recently, I understood what she meant
by looking in the same direction.

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We were having dinner at my parents'.

152
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We were eating in silence
because we don't know how to communicate.

153
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And…

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for the past 15 years, every summer,

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my mom rents a vacation rental with a pond
so that my father can go fishing.

156
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Is this love? I have no idea.

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She started late this year.
There was no pond available.

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We didn't know it yet.
It was complete silence.

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Something deep, sad
was going on inside my mom.

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She stares at my dad,
she takes a deep breath, and,

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"Well,

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I'm sorry.
I haven't found a rental with a pond."

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He was eating.

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He said to her, "And?"

165
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She said, "Well,

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I haven't found a rental with a pond
so that you can go fishing this summer."

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He said to her, "And?"

168
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She said, "Well,

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is he stupid or what?"

170
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"Because you like to go fishing."

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He goes, "No."

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My mom's eyelid started twitching.

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She said, "Yes."

174
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"You do like it. I've been renting a pond
for 15 years so that you could go."

175
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"I've been fishing for 15 years

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because you've been renting a pond
for 15 years!"

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What's there to do in Poitou-Charentes?

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He started shaking.
He got up. He went to bed.

179
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I was eating. I was freaking out.

180
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I said to them,
"Is that looking in the same direction?"

181
00:09:09.360 --> 00:09:10.400
"You're cross-eyed."

182
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"Watch out."

183
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Of course, with that example,
I can't kiss the girl I like.

184
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I'm working on it, but not yet.

185
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I was waiting behind the door
for the fourth date.

186
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I kiss her on the cheeks.
I get her settled in.

187
00:09:24.280 --> 00:09:25.360
She's gorgeous.

188
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I try to play it cool.

189
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I have to interrupt her.
My housemate's three-minute technique.

190
00:09:31.960 --> 00:09:32.880
But I'm so shy.

191
00:09:33.600 --> 00:09:35.840
Not usually,
but I get flustered with someone I like.

192
00:09:35.920 --> 00:09:37.240
So I motivate myself.

193
00:09:37.320 --> 00:09:39.160
I talk to myself.
"Come on. You can do it."

194
00:09:40.040 --> 00:09:43.680
"Just interrupt her.
It's not difficult. I'll count down."

195
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"One hundred."

196
00:09:48.200 --> 00:09:49.560
I look at her and I go…

197
00:09:51.520 --> 00:09:53.080
A bit too intense!

198
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She jumped. She looked at me.

199
00:09:54.640 --> 00:09:55.720
I swear this is true.

200
00:09:55.800 --> 00:09:56.800
I panicked. I went…

201
00:10:00.440 --> 00:10:01.520
She said, "What's going on?"

202
00:10:01.600 --> 00:10:03.600
I said, "I need the toilet."

203
00:10:04.240 --> 00:10:06.760
I was improvising.
I did this with my arms.

204
00:10:06.840 --> 00:10:08.520
I locked myself in the toilet.

205
00:10:08.600 --> 00:10:11.240
I thought to myself for ten seconds,
"What have you just done?"

206
00:10:11.760 --> 00:10:12.720
"What just happened?"

207
00:10:12.800 --> 00:10:14.800
A new terror crept up. I thought,

208
00:10:15.800 --> 00:10:18.400
"She'll hear I'm not doing anything.
She won't trust me!"

209
00:10:18.920 --> 00:10:21.320
I had an idea.
I emptied the toothbrush holder.

210
00:10:21.400 --> 00:10:22.920
I filled it with water, and I…

211
00:10:24.800 --> 00:10:25.640
poured.

212
00:10:26.720 --> 00:10:28.960
I thought, "Go see a shrink, Panayotis."

213
00:10:29.640 --> 00:10:30.480
"It's time."

214
00:10:31.080 --> 00:10:34.880
"You're faking a little pee
for a girl who doesn't care

215
00:10:34.960 --> 00:10:37.120
because you're scared of kissing her.
Something's wrong."

216
00:10:38.320 --> 00:10:40.440
I go back to the family room.
I'm stressed.

217
00:10:41.120 --> 00:10:42.160
I needed a pee

218
00:10:42.240 --> 00:10:45.080
because water dripping into a toilet
sounds exactly like a pee.

219
00:10:45.160 --> 00:10:46.240
So I…

220
00:10:46.320 --> 00:10:48.760
I can't flush twice in a row. Like, "No."

221
00:10:49.400 --> 00:10:52.560
"It's not what you think.
I don't like a long pee."

222
00:10:54.040 --> 00:10:56.920
"I prefer two short, little pees
with a break in the middle."

223
00:10:57.000 --> 00:10:58.960
"So I do what I call the first pee,

224
00:10:59.480 --> 00:11:03.080
then I stop deliberately,
and when it tickles me, I go back."

225
00:11:03.800 --> 00:11:05.160
"That's the second pee."

226
00:11:05.240 --> 00:11:08.600
"Don't take it from me.
It's my thing. It's mine."

227
00:11:08.680 --> 00:11:09.880
"My private garden."

228
00:11:10.720 --> 00:11:11.560
No.

229
00:11:12.360 --> 00:11:13.880
I go back to the family room.

230
00:11:14.480 --> 00:11:15.440
I'm sweating.

231
00:11:16.320 --> 00:11:19.240
I look at her,
and I don't know, I let down my guard.

232
00:11:19.320 --> 00:11:21.160
I interrupt her. I go, "Sorry."

233
00:11:21.720 --> 00:11:23.960
"I may kiss you
in the next three minutes."

234
00:11:24.040 --> 00:11:24.880
"Go on."

235
00:11:26.520 --> 00:11:27.440
What a stud!

236
00:11:29.080 --> 00:11:29.920
She went…

237
00:11:35.680 --> 00:11:37.240
"You're such a weird guy!"

238
00:11:46.480 --> 00:11:47.560
I went Neanderthal

239
00:11:47.640 --> 00:11:50.400
because in my head,
I was like, "Go high-pitched!"

240
00:11:50.480 --> 00:11:51.600
"Come on, sweetie!"

241
00:11:52.200 --> 00:11:54.400
You become a little shit so quickly!

242
00:11:55.640 --> 00:11:58.440
I could tell in her eyes
that she wanted to.

243
00:11:59.200 --> 00:12:02.000
I wasn't scared of rejection.
It was a cute little moment.

244
00:12:02.080 --> 00:12:03.760
Two minutes go by. My heart's racing.

245
00:12:04.280 --> 00:12:06.760
Two minutes and 30 seconds.
Two minutes and 40 seconds.

246
00:12:07.280 --> 00:12:08.600
Two minutes and 50 seconds.

247
00:12:09.320 --> 00:12:10.320
Thirteen minutes.

248
00:12:11.560 --> 00:12:14.120
She's looking at me like, "Didn't we say…"

249
00:12:15.760 --> 00:12:16.960
I couldn't kiss her.

250
00:12:18.000 --> 00:12:19.320
I can hear you!

251
00:12:20.400 --> 00:12:21.320
I'm not scared!

252
00:12:21.840 --> 00:12:24.920
I'm not scared of a kiss!
I'm scared of being vulnerable.

253
00:12:25.440 --> 00:12:27.280
I'm convinced that when you kiss someone…

254
00:12:27.360 --> 00:12:30.440
I mean, real kisses.
It doesn't happen often, but you can tell.

255
00:12:30.520 --> 00:12:32.200
You feel a fluttering in your stomach.

256
00:12:32.720 --> 00:12:35.320
This is the most vulnerable moment
of your life.

257
00:12:35.400 --> 00:12:36.720
Because in one action,

258
00:12:37.240 --> 00:12:39.720
as symbolic and stupid as…

259
00:12:41.440 --> 00:12:43.080
you pour out the feelings you stored

260
00:12:43.160 --> 00:12:45.880
when thinking about this person
for weeks or months.

261
00:12:45.960 --> 00:12:49.040
You find the guts
to send them on a silver platter.

262
00:12:49.600 --> 00:12:51.160
You look them in the eye.

263
00:12:51.240 --> 00:12:55.000
You wait to humbly offer these feelings
on a silver platter at the right time.

264
00:12:55.920 --> 00:12:57.720
What's horrible is she can go…

265
00:13:00.200 --> 00:13:02.440
You should be like,
"It went well. No big deal."

266
00:13:03.800 --> 00:13:04.720
"It happens."

267
00:13:04.800 --> 00:13:07.720
"Well, yes. Are you kidding?
Nothing ventured, nothing gained."

268
00:13:07.800 --> 00:13:09.640
"Yes, Sylvie, are you kidding?"

269
00:13:10.880 --> 00:13:13.720
"Mind if I go sleep?
Today has been exhausting."

270
00:13:13.800 --> 00:13:15.960
"I'll pick this up? Of course."

271
00:13:16.040 --> 00:13:17.920
"Are you kidding? I'm not messy."

272
00:13:18.000 --> 00:13:21.360
"No, it's broken,
but it's only my self-confidence."

273
00:13:21.440 --> 00:13:22.400
It terrifies me.

274
00:13:24.280 --> 00:13:25.520
It scares me so much.

275
00:13:26.280 --> 00:13:29.120
I've learned recently
that when you kiss someone,

276
00:13:29.200 --> 00:13:30.440
the bacteria in…

277
00:13:30.520 --> 00:13:32.320
You're not going to like this.

278
00:13:32.880 --> 00:13:35.360
The bacteria in the mouth of the person

279
00:13:35.440 --> 00:13:37.480
stay within you
for four years after the kiss.

280
00:13:39.080 --> 00:13:42.000
Those people who kissed losers
are like, "What?"

281
00:13:43.080 --> 00:13:46.080
"What's he saying with his T-shirt
in his pants? What, Steve Jobs?"

282
00:13:46.600 --> 00:13:47.640
It's true.

283
00:13:48.400 --> 00:13:49.720
Go home and Google it.

284
00:13:50.280 --> 00:13:52.320
Your mouths are full
of people from the past.

285
00:13:52.880 --> 00:13:54.320
Your mouths are Airbnbs.

286
00:13:55.560 --> 00:13:56.920
I'm a small vacation rental.

287
00:13:57.800 --> 00:13:59.800
Not many visitors. In Poitou-Charentes.

288
00:14:00.880 --> 00:14:01.760
"Hello!"

289
00:14:02.600 --> 00:14:05.960
"Welcome to the Three Lavender rental!"

290
00:14:06.880 --> 00:14:08.240
"How was your journey?"

291
00:14:09.960 --> 00:14:10.800
That's me.

292
00:14:18.120 --> 00:14:19.120
I couldn't do it.

293
00:14:19.840 --> 00:14:22.440
Nothing more emasculating
than a failed kiss.

294
00:14:23.280 --> 00:14:25.040
She has work in the morning.

295
00:14:25.120 --> 00:14:28.200
I walk her back to the door.
She stops one last time.

296
00:14:30.160 --> 00:14:32.080
I kiss her on the cheeks. Awful.

297
00:14:32.560 --> 00:14:35.040
She said, "Well, see you next time, then."

298
00:14:35.560 --> 00:14:36.400
I said, "Yes."

299
00:14:37.680 --> 00:14:39.280
Then I slammed the door.

300
00:14:40.400 --> 00:14:42.520
It looks like a slap on her ass. No.

301
00:14:43.720 --> 00:14:44.800
I just can't mime.

302
00:14:45.600 --> 00:14:47.880
The guy can't smooch,
but, "Come on, princess."

303
00:14:48.440 --> 00:14:51.520
"Get out or I'll take you out.
Yeah, get home safely." No.

304
00:14:51.600 --> 00:14:54.560
I just can't mime.
I don't know how to slam a door.

305
00:14:56.280 --> 00:14:58.240
I look like Passe-Partout, I don't know…

306
00:14:59.320 --> 00:15:00.200
Whoa, no.

307
00:15:02.240 --> 00:15:03.520
I slam the door. Okay.

308
00:15:03.600 --> 00:15:07.240
Right then, my housemate opens his door.
He goes, "What happened?"

309
00:15:07.760 --> 00:15:09.680
- "I know you listened."
- "Yes."

310
00:15:10.520 --> 00:15:11.840
He won't lie anymore.

311
00:15:11.920 --> 00:15:14.800
He's going through a midlife crisis.
He's a truth toast.

312
00:15:15.320 --> 00:15:17.320
He goes,
"I heard it. She went high-pitched."

313
00:15:17.920 --> 00:15:21.480
"She wanted it to happen.
So the fear was only in your head."

314
00:15:22.240 --> 00:15:25.280
It drove me crazy.
I said, "You're not my father!"

315
00:15:26.840 --> 00:15:28.720
He punished me and sent me to bed.

316
00:15:30.240 --> 00:15:31.240
I couldn't sleep.

317
00:15:32.000 --> 00:15:35.920
I had insomnia. It drove me crazy.
Actually, enough with that word.

318
00:15:36.680 --> 00:15:38.480
Insomnia. That's really a lie.

319
00:15:39.200 --> 00:15:41.440
That's a coverall to hide the truth.

320
00:15:42.440 --> 00:15:45.720
-"You look tired, Bertrand!"
-"Yes, I have insomnia. It's okay."

321
00:15:46.560 --> 00:15:47.640
Let's tell the truth.

322
00:15:48.160 --> 00:15:49.720
Let's learn to say, "True."

323
00:15:49.800 --> 00:15:52.080
"Right now, I have problems in life,

324
00:15:52.160 --> 00:15:54.160
but I can't think about it
during the day."

325
00:15:55.760 --> 00:15:57.240
"So I think about it at night."

326
00:15:57.840 --> 00:15:58.680
"And I cry."

327
00:15:59.720 --> 00:16:02.560
"Since I'm lying in bed,
my tears drop in my ears,

328
00:16:03.760 --> 00:16:05.240
and I listen to my sadness."

329
00:16:06.520 --> 00:16:08.120
"How was your weekend in Cévennes?"

330
00:16:12.120 --> 00:16:13.440
We'd have everything to gain.

331
00:16:15.960 --> 00:16:16.920
I'm just saying.

332
00:16:17.880 --> 00:16:18.720
It made me angry.

333
00:16:18.800 --> 00:16:22.080
My dad used to say "It's all in your head"
to us all the time.

334
00:16:22.560 --> 00:16:24.560
We'd go see him. He'd go, "You're sad?"

335
00:16:26.000 --> 00:16:27.200
"It's all in your head."

336
00:16:28.240 --> 00:16:30.360
"There's no point crying. It won't help."

337
00:16:31.920 --> 00:16:32.760
"Stitches?"

338
00:16:34.160 --> 00:16:35.360
"It's all in your head."

339
00:16:36.000 --> 00:16:38.160
-"I'm bleeding."
-"It's all in your head."

340
00:16:38.760 --> 00:16:41.200
"It was in my head. Now it's coming out."

341
00:16:42.360 --> 00:16:45.440
My father has an old-fashioned view
of what a man is.

342
00:16:45.960 --> 00:16:48.000
For my father, a man is strong,

343
00:16:48.080 --> 00:16:50.680
confident, a little funny,
a bit of a womanizer,

344
00:16:50.760 --> 00:16:51.840
but never vulnerable.

345
00:16:52.360 --> 00:16:54.000
My father denies two things in life.

346
00:16:54.080 --> 00:16:56.480
He denies feelings.
For him, they don't exist.

347
00:16:57.120 --> 00:16:58.080
And speed bumps.

348
00:16:59.200 --> 00:17:00.600
Those don't exist either.

349
00:17:00.680 --> 00:17:02.880
We go over a speed bump
at 70 kilometers per hour.

350
00:17:03.400 --> 00:17:06.040
-"There was a speed bump."
-"What makes you say that?"

351
00:17:06.560 --> 00:17:09.920
I have to argue
whether my forehead hit the car ceiling.

352
00:17:10.440 --> 00:17:12.840
It drives me crazy. Not long ago,

353
00:17:12.920 --> 00:17:15.440
we'd left a restaurant.
He'd ordered a coffee to go.

354
00:17:15.960 --> 00:17:17.280
I don't even know why.

355
00:17:17.360 --> 00:17:20.400
These days, he likes to say,
"To go. I don't have the time."

356
00:17:20.920 --> 00:17:21.760
He has time.

357
00:17:22.520 --> 00:17:23.760
I know his schedule.

358
00:17:24.720 --> 00:17:26.280
A lot of time, not much use of it.

359
00:17:27.160 --> 00:17:30.240
We're in the car. He has his coffee.
We run over a speed bump.

360
00:17:30.320 --> 00:17:34.000
And on his thigh,
I see a little coffee stain.

361
00:17:34.960 --> 00:17:36.920
I go nuts.
"Didn't we go over a speed bump?"

362
00:17:37.440 --> 00:17:39.120
"Okay, sorry. Quick question."

363
00:17:39.640 --> 00:17:41.760
"Why do you have
a coffee stain on your thigh?"

364
00:17:42.280 --> 00:17:44.400
He replied… This isn't a joke.

365
00:17:44.960 --> 00:17:46.880
I'm just offering this life moment.

366
00:17:47.680 --> 00:17:48.520
He told me…

367
00:17:53.520 --> 00:17:55.440
"This is how I drink my coffee."

368
00:18:01.040 --> 00:18:02.600
He doesn't give a damn anymore.

369
00:18:03.560 --> 00:18:05.680
The crazy thing is, for him, that's a man.

370
00:18:05.760 --> 00:18:07.960
"I'm right because I said I'm right!"

371
00:18:08.680 --> 00:18:10.920
He started teaching us this way early on.

372
00:18:11.440 --> 00:18:15.280
I was eight years old.
We were on holiday in a vacation rental.

373
00:18:19.040 --> 00:18:20.840
You're laughing at my life, but fine.

374
00:18:21.360 --> 00:18:24.560
My dad, my brothers, and I
were walking in the woods.

375
00:18:24.640 --> 00:18:26.280
It wasn't a fun, educational walk

376
00:18:26.360 --> 00:18:28.920
like I hope
you have all enjoyed in your childhood.

377
00:18:29.000 --> 00:18:30.120
Like, "Kids! Come!"

378
00:18:34.200 --> 00:18:35.400
"Here is a conifer."

379
00:18:36.720 --> 00:18:39.080
No. Though it'd be stupid
to whisper for a tree.

380
00:18:39.600 --> 00:18:41.840
We'd just follow one another
in single file,

381
00:18:41.920 --> 00:18:43.880
without talking,
for 45 minutes in the woods.

382
00:18:43.960 --> 00:18:45.040
We were so scared!

383
00:18:45.120 --> 00:18:46.200
We were hostages

384
00:18:47.040 --> 00:18:48.480
stretching their legs like,

385
00:18:48.560 --> 00:18:52.600
"FARC are so nice,
giving us five minutes of exercise a day."

386
00:18:52.680 --> 00:18:55.000
"It wasn't like during Ingrid's time."

387
00:18:55.520 --> 00:18:59.600
One of my brothers is crying.
It's annoying my father. He goes, "Hey!"

388
00:19:00.680 --> 00:19:01.520
"Stop crying."

389
00:19:02.360 --> 00:19:04.960
Which from an educational point of view
has never worked.

390
00:19:05.560 --> 00:19:08.640
There's never been a child going, "Yes!"

391
00:19:10.040 --> 00:19:12.520
"It's so silly! I hadn't thought of that!"

392
00:19:14.240 --> 00:19:15.840
"We turned off the faucet!"

393
00:19:16.400 --> 00:19:18.120
"Nice to meet you. You are?"

394
00:19:18.200 --> 00:19:20.000
"You're Daddy!"

395
00:19:20.080 --> 00:19:20.920
No.

396
00:19:22.320 --> 00:19:24.800
If a child speaks like that,
you should run.

397
00:19:25.440 --> 00:19:28.280
He's haughty.
He's screwing with you. Not a good sign.

398
00:19:29.040 --> 00:19:29.960
He goes on crying.

399
00:19:30.040 --> 00:19:33.480
My father is so annoyed
that he goes over to him like, "Hey."

400
00:19:35.480 --> 00:19:36.640
"It's all in your head.

401
00:19:38.360 --> 00:19:39.840
"No need to show it to the others."

402
00:19:40.760 --> 00:19:44.320
He pauses. He looks at us.
He says, "I'll give you a lesson."

403
00:19:45.520 --> 00:19:46.640
He drops his pants.

404
00:19:47.840 --> 00:19:50.040
Relax, this isn't going there at all.

405
00:19:50.920 --> 00:19:52.840
I don't know why,
in all of my childhood stories,

406
00:19:52.920 --> 00:19:55.160
my father is in his shorts,
but to each their dad.

407
00:19:55.720 --> 00:19:57.960
He throws his pants, and he goes, "Hey!"

408
00:19:58.800 --> 00:20:00.040
"You watch me!"

409
00:20:01.000 --> 00:20:03.000
He's not drunk, but that's how he talks.

410
00:20:03.520 --> 00:20:06.600
We watch our dad walk into the woods,
in his shorts,

411
00:20:08.440 --> 00:20:10.200
natural as a weasel.

412
00:20:10.720 --> 00:20:13.600
He was always too hairy for a man.
We were wondering.

413
00:20:13.680 --> 00:20:16.000
Twenty meters in, he stops.
He goes, "Hey!"

414
00:20:17.040 --> 00:20:18.880
"There's a ditch with nettles!"

415
00:20:20.000 --> 00:20:20.880
He goes in.

416
00:20:21.960 --> 00:20:23.440
He rubs around the ditch.

417
00:20:23.520 --> 00:20:26.280
It's weird.
We only see his chest. It's scary.

418
00:20:26.960 --> 00:20:29.600
He comes out.
He goes to my brother. "Hey!"

419
00:20:36.920 --> 00:20:37.760
"Am I crying?"

420
00:20:38.960 --> 00:20:42.360
We were like, "Who's gonna call
child protective services?"

421
00:20:43.040 --> 00:20:46.000
"Just once.
We'll be separated, but we'll be safe."

422
00:20:47.120 --> 00:20:49.120
No. We were scared. We went, "No."

423
00:20:49.640 --> 00:20:51.800
-"You're not crying."
-"I'm not crying, right?"

424
00:20:53.280 --> 00:20:54.480
"You see, that's a man."

425
00:20:55.680 --> 00:20:57.480
"You don't cry even if you feel like it."

426
00:21:00.000 --> 00:21:01.840
"If you show what's inside of you,

427
00:21:03.600 --> 00:21:05.080
the world is gonna eat you alive."

428
00:21:06.040 --> 00:21:06.880
"Capisce?"

429
00:21:07.960 --> 00:21:11.320
As for us,
we all started crying one at a time.

430
00:21:12.440 --> 00:21:15.080
He was scaring us.
That big, itchy, red man.

431
00:21:15.720 --> 00:21:18.240
He went, "What didn't you understand?"

432
00:21:18.320 --> 00:21:20.800
Like Philippe Etchebest
in Cauchemar en cuisine.

433
00:21:20.880 --> 00:21:24.200
My mother was meeting us.
She sees this scene from afar.

434
00:21:24.280 --> 00:21:26.040
Her husband in his shorts,

435
00:21:26.120 --> 00:21:29.800
crying and handling it badly,
in front of all of his kids, crying too.

436
00:21:30.320 --> 00:21:32.480
One of my brothers
dropped his pants for no reason.

437
00:21:34.000 --> 00:21:35.840
In every family, there's an oddball.

438
00:21:36.360 --> 00:21:38.960
He drops his pants when no one's watching.

439
00:21:39.040 --> 00:21:40.320
"Mom!"

440
00:21:41.360 --> 00:21:42.680
"Mom, look!"

441
00:21:44.120 --> 00:21:46.200
That was my bro-- That was me.

442
00:21:47.680 --> 00:21:49.640
I quickly found my calling, okay?

443
00:21:51.040 --> 00:21:55.040
My parents had a big fight that day.
I understood something about couples.

444
00:21:55.120 --> 00:21:59.320
In the long run, we often match with
our opposite, character-wise.

445
00:21:59.400 --> 00:22:01.080
I don't know why there's such a rule.

446
00:22:01.760 --> 00:22:04.400
That's my parents.
My father hides his feelings.

447
00:22:04.480 --> 00:22:09.480
He suppresses them. He buries them.
When my mother has a feeling, "Take it."

448
00:22:10.320 --> 00:22:12.120
"Do with my soul as you wish."

449
00:22:12.640 --> 00:22:16.720
"Sir, before you go, pull on this thread.
It's the thread of my life."

450
00:22:17.680 --> 00:22:18.880
She's in a musical.

451
00:22:20.600 --> 00:22:23.680
She shows everything, always.
Too soon. To everyone.

452
00:22:25.440 --> 00:22:29.440
It's uncomfortable. Same as
when you meet a naturist unexpectedly.

453
00:22:30.480 --> 00:22:32.840
You know the vibe?
You get on the beach, like…

454
00:22:36.160 --> 00:22:37.200
The beach is empty.

455
00:22:37.280 --> 00:22:38.840
He stays 1.5 meters away from you.

456
00:22:38.920 --> 00:22:40.880
He introduces himself.
"Hello. Jean-Claude."

457
00:22:40.960 --> 00:22:41.800
"Yes!"

458
00:22:42.840 --> 00:22:47.080
"I already saw your dick,
so your name doesn't really matter."

459
00:22:47.800 --> 00:22:51.080
"You should learn to prioritize
your details. It's important."

460
00:22:53.360 --> 00:22:54.200
It's the same.

461
00:22:54.800 --> 00:22:58.120
It's the same with feelings.
It's too much all at once.

462
00:22:59.600 --> 00:23:00.920
We were on tour recently,

463
00:23:01.000 --> 00:23:03.760
and we were having dinner
with the venue managers.

464
00:23:04.280 --> 00:23:06.600
A gentleman arrived late for dinner,

465
00:23:06.680 --> 00:23:08.800
and he was
so full of information and emotions.

466
00:23:08.880 --> 00:23:11.960
I felt uncomfortable. He came in,
"Hello, nice to meet you. Guy."

467
00:23:12.040 --> 00:23:13.200
"Sorry, I'm a bit late."

468
00:23:13.280 --> 00:23:15.840
"I was signing divorce papers
with my wife."

469
00:23:16.640 --> 00:23:19.280
"Ex-wife, actually.
Hey, guys, I play the clarinet!"

470
00:23:20.840 --> 00:23:24.680
Throughout dinner, we were like,
"Put briefs over your emotions, Guy."

471
00:23:25.960 --> 00:23:27.960
"We can see your emotions' balls."

472
00:23:29.080 --> 00:23:30.040
"It's too soon."

473
00:23:31.160 --> 00:23:33.520
My mom shared
what she had inside of her early on.

474
00:23:34.480 --> 00:23:38.280
She triggered an existential crisis
when I was very young, in middle school.

475
00:23:38.920 --> 00:23:42.120
And we were in the car,
the two of us, on the way to music school.

476
00:23:42.640 --> 00:23:44.480
I was going to sit in the back. Normal.

477
00:23:45.000 --> 00:23:47.960
She blocks the car door.
She goes, "You know what?"

478
00:23:48.520 --> 00:23:49.560
"Sit in the front."

479
00:23:50.440 --> 00:23:51.560
First time in my life!

480
00:23:51.640 --> 00:23:53.840
Do you remember
what a big step up that was?

481
00:23:54.560 --> 00:23:55.400
I said,

482
00:23:56.600 --> 00:23:57.440
"You sure?"

483
00:23:58.120 --> 00:23:58.960
She said,

484
00:23:59.760 --> 00:24:00.720
"Yes, I'm sure."

485
00:24:02.640 --> 00:24:04.120
"Then why are we whispering?"

486
00:24:05.160 --> 00:24:07.320
I get in. I was freaking out.

487
00:24:07.840 --> 00:24:11.240
I was like, "We're in the place!"
I was so happy.

488
00:24:11.960 --> 00:24:14.520
Right away, in my head, I thought,
"Now you're gonna pay taxes."

489
00:24:15.680 --> 00:24:17.240
I grew up scared of taxes.

490
00:24:17.840 --> 00:24:20.520
My dad would open them up
in front of us. He'd go,

491
00:24:20.600 --> 00:24:24.000
"Enjoy it while you're kids.
One day, they're gonna come and get you."

492
00:24:24.920 --> 00:24:27.880
He'd go to bed
and leave us in this air of mystery.

493
00:24:28.400 --> 00:24:32.280
Every other evening, with my brother,
we'd be like, "Are the taxes coming?"

494
00:24:32.920 --> 00:24:35.080
"I don't know how it works.
I don't get it."

495
00:24:37.320 --> 00:24:40.000
We're in the car with my mom.
We leave. It's a bit hot.

496
00:24:40.080 --> 00:24:43.560
And so I'm happy
'cause I'm going to open the front window.

497
00:24:44.280 --> 00:24:46.200
In the back, the window is for losers.

498
00:24:47.000 --> 00:24:48.080
In the back, it's…

499
00:24:50.760 --> 00:24:53.720
"I don't have money
for an automated system."

500
00:24:54.440 --> 00:24:56.680
"I'm using elbow grease."

501
00:24:56.760 --> 00:24:57.600
Poor people.

502
00:24:58.200 --> 00:24:59.920
Remember when you discovered that…

503
00:25:03.880 --> 00:25:06.040
You became so imperious
with others all of a sudden.

504
00:25:06.560 --> 00:25:07.600
Teasing those in the back.

505
00:25:07.680 --> 00:25:09.960
"Let me know if it's too windy.
I'll close it, Carole."

506
00:25:15.560 --> 00:25:17.240
I suck at miming. I'm sorry.

507
00:25:20.720 --> 00:25:23.520
It's like I'm sticking my finger
in a cow's eye.

508
00:25:27.400 --> 00:25:30.640
We don't know if she's enjoying it.
It's unclear.

509
00:25:30.720 --> 00:25:32.080
"No, stop it!"

510
00:25:32.160 --> 00:25:34.840
Or, "Whoa!"

511
00:25:37.400 --> 00:25:41.240
"More! The other one too! Yeah!"

512
00:25:46.720 --> 00:25:49.040
I can go on for another five minutes,
but I can tell

513
00:25:49.560 --> 00:25:51.560
that more would be self-indulgent.

514
00:25:52.600 --> 00:25:54.480
I wanted your opinion. It's important.

515
00:25:58.800 --> 00:26:00.600
There's no more… No!

516
00:26:00.680 --> 00:26:01.520
It's…

517
00:26:07.320 --> 00:26:10.480
Don't know how to feel about
you clapping more for noises than jokes,

518
00:26:10.560 --> 00:26:12.960
but I'm with you. We're on the same page.

519
00:26:14.200 --> 00:26:17.040
For real, put your finger in a cow's eye--
Sorry.

520
00:26:17.560 --> 00:26:19.680
I'll stop. I'm sure she won't react.

521
00:26:20.600 --> 00:26:23.920
I could take a bet with whoever.
I'm sure of it. Try it in a field.

522
00:26:24.680 --> 00:26:25.600
She'll be like…

523
00:26:32.040 --> 00:26:34.560
"Damn, I can't see on the right. What…"

524
00:26:35.760 --> 00:26:36.600
"Damn!"

525
00:26:40.680 --> 00:26:43.720
"I could swear there was a tree!
I can't see it. It's weird!"

526
00:26:44.240 --> 00:26:45.120
"Whoa!"

527
00:26:46.160 --> 00:26:49.000
"It came back! All is well!"

528
00:26:50.200 --> 00:26:52.400
Okay, let's focus. You're distracted.

529
00:26:54.160 --> 00:26:57.120
I lower the window.
I'm in the car with my mom.

530
00:26:58.120 --> 00:26:59.240
I lower the window.

531
00:26:59.880 --> 00:27:02.760
I can feel the warm summer wind
on my head.

532
00:27:03.560 --> 00:27:05.320
I have an idea. Something silly.

533
00:27:05.400 --> 00:27:08.160
You'll get the reference.
The opening of American movies.

534
00:27:08.240 --> 00:27:11.600
Deserted road. Two studs in a Cadillac.
Leather jackets, Ray-Bans.

535
00:27:12.120 --> 00:27:13.840
They have rock music playing loud.

536
00:27:13.920 --> 00:27:15.600
They lower the windows,
their arms out like,

537
00:27:16.960 --> 00:27:18.960
"Freedom!"

538
00:27:19.040 --> 00:27:20.520
I want to do that so bad.

539
00:27:21.600 --> 00:27:25.200
I lowered it by that much.
Because my mom won't allow any more.

540
00:27:26.040 --> 00:27:27.040
So, discreetly,

541
00:27:28.240 --> 00:27:30.280
I put out three fingers like that,

542
00:27:31.120 --> 00:27:34.080
like an octopus trying to escape
from a Japanese restaurant,

543
00:27:34.600 --> 00:27:35.960
and I look at my mom like…

544
00:27:38.520 --> 00:27:40.320
"Freedom!"

545
00:27:40.400 --> 00:27:42.080
"But not too much!"

546
00:27:42.760 --> 00:27:45.280
My mom lowers the window on her side.
I get sucked out.

547
00:27:45.360 --> 00:27:47.080
I think she wants me to jump.

548
00:27:47.800 --> 00:27:50.360
My arm is completely outside.

549
00:27:51.920 --> 00:27:52.880
And I have an idea.

550
00:27:54.000 --> 00:27:55.440
I tell myself, "I'll do it."

551
00:27:56.000 --> 00:27:58.680
I don't give a--
I put my hand over the roof.

552
00:27:59.520 --> 00:28:02.680
And I tell myself,
"Whoa. Take it easy, man."

553
00:28:03.800 --> 00:28:05.760
"Taxes are gonna fuck you up. Careful."

554
00:28:08.320 --> 00:28:09.800
My mom plays some music.

555
00:28:11.040 --> 00:28:13.240
She plays "Hey Jude" by The Beatles.

556
00:28:14.040 --> 00:28:17.880
One of the best songs ever.
One of my favorite moments in my life.

557
00:28:18.440 --> 00:28:21.040
I'm becoming an adult.
The start of summer, possibilities.

558
00:28:21.120 --> 00:28:23.320
In the front with my mom.
Looking in the same direction.

559
00:28:24.720 --> 00:28:26.040
We're enjoying ourselves.

560
00:28:26.560 --> 00:28:27.840
Nice weather. It's all good.

561
00:28:27.920 --> 00:28:30.880
She lowers the volume,
and she goes, "You know what?

562
00:28:32.680 --> 00:28:34.640
"I'd like you to bury me to that song."

563
00:28:42.240 --> 00:28:44.200
I had a small existential crisis.

564
00:28:44.960 --> 00:28:47.320
"I don't like to be in the front,
actually."

565
00:28:48.120 --> 00:28:50.000
"The lady talks to me. I don't like it."

566
00:28:50.680 --> 00:28:53.040
She sees I'm struggling.
She lowers the volume again.

567
00:28:53.120 --> 00:28:55.640
"Hey, calm down."

568
00:28:55.720 --> 00:28:58.560
"Everything's okay."

569
00:29:00.560 --> 00:29:03.200
"It's not just Mom who's going to die.
We all die. That's life."

570
00:29:03.720 --> 00:29:06.160
My mom, like all moms,
always goes one sentence too far.

571
00:29:06.680 --> 00:29:09.000
She's on the edge of a cliff.
She should stop.

572
00:29:09.080 --> 00:29:11.120
She doesn't realize
everyone's uncomfortable,

573
00:29:11.200 --> 00:29:12.960
because she's lost all social sensors.

574
00:29:13.480 --> 00:29:16.600
So she digs herself deeper in shit
with each new sentence.

575
00:29:17.320 --> 00:29:19.760
She says this to me.
I can tell she feels better.

576
00:29:20.520 --> 00:29:23.400
It's then I understood
why my mom never has mental issues.

577
00:29:23.920 --> 00:29:25.280
She puts them in our heads.

578
00:29:26.240 --> 00:29:28.840
Which is very smart.
That's what kids are for.

579
00:29:29.360 --> 00:29:31.720
Life is a relay race
from one generation to another.

580
00:29:32.240 --> 00:29:35.240
It gets tiring after a while.
"There, kid, that's for you!"

581
00:29:35.320 --> 00:29:36.800
-"What's that?"
-"Trauma!"

582
00:29:39.360 --> 00:29:40.440
I think that's it.

583
00:29:41.840 --> 00:29:44.400
I still have this recurring image
in nightmares.

584
00:29:44.480 --> 00:29:47.800
My mom throwing me out on the sidewalk,
driving away, with the Beatles on.

585
00:29:47.880 --> 00:29:50.120
Me thinking, "We're all going to die."

586
00:29:51.280 --> 00:29:54.920
My accordion teacher coming to pick me up.
Class is about to start.

587
00:29:57.560 --> 00:29:59.040
I did six years of accordion.

588
00:30:00.200 --> 00:30:03.440
Yes, this is the expected response.
You're looking at me pointedly like,

589
00:30:03.520 --> 00:30:05.200
"Sounds like a great childhood!"

590
00:30:05.760 --> 00:30:07.640
I wanted to play the guitar at first.

591
00:30:10.120 --> 00:30:14.240
Like all young men, in order to have sex.
That's what the guitar is for.

592
00:30:15.000 --> 00:30:16.400
The guitar is a subtext.

593
00:30:17.160 --> 00:30:18.080
It tells a story.

594
00:30:18.160 --> 00:30:20.720
The guitar is a phallic object

595
00:30:21.680 --> 00:30:24.640
which you play on the beach,
looking someone in the eye.

596
00:30:24.720 --> 00:30:25.720
It tells a story.

597
00:30:27.120 --> 00:30:27.960
While this…

598
00:30:31.000 --> 00:30:32.840
It isn't the same subtext, believe me.

599
00:30:33.360 --> 00:30:35.520
This is,
"I can make all kinds of rillettes."

600
00:30:37.520 --> 00:30:38.600
Not the same vibe.

601
00:30:40.280 --> 00:30:42.760
Six years of accordion
to make my dad happy.

602
00:30:42.840 --> 00:30:45.920
When we were kids,
my dad didn't like us doing kids' stuff.

603
00:30:46.000 --> 00:30:48.480
Like, us being happy wasn't his priority.

604
00:30:49.320 --> 00:30:52.080
He wanted us to be, later.
He wanted us, as children,

605
00:30:52.160 --> 00:30:55.160
to work on the future happiness
of the adults we'd become.

606
00:30:57.160 --> 00:30:59.320
I thought,
"I'm going to show him I'm an adult."

607
00:30:59.400 --> 00:31:01.480
"Let's pick a grown-up instrument."

608
00:31:02.200 --> 00:31:03.200
L'acordeonisto.

609
00:31:04.400 --> 00:31:06.000
That's what the pros call it.

610
00:31:06.680 --> 00:31:09.200
Stupid. Have you ever seen
an adult play the accordion?

611
00:31:09.880 --> 00:31:11.320
Who isn't homeless?

612
00:31:12.880 --> 00:31:14.880
As a child, I spent hundreds of hours

613
00:31:14.960 --> 00:31:18.280
with 9.5 kilos of brushed metal
crushing my thighs,

614
00:31:18.360 --> 00:31:20.120
playing post-war music.

615
00:31:20.720 --> 00:31:23.720
The accordion, it's like
the war just ended. They sent you there.

616
00:31:24.240 --> 00:31:25.080
The songs are…

617
00:31:25.160 --> 00:31:28.880
The stumps of the Avignon fighters

618
00:31:28.960 --> 00:31:31.280
Who came back from the front

619
00:31:31.360 --> 00:31:33.160
Everything about this instrument
is horrible.

620
00:31:33.680 --> 00:31:36.520
It's a bottomless well of melancholy
until death.

621
00:31:37.480 --> 00:31:39.840
The worst bit was
getting out of school with friends,

622
00:31:39.920 --> 00:31:41.360
going to music school together

623
00:31:41.440 --> 00:31:43.400
because we were all white.

624
00:31:43.480 --> 00:31:45.800
And they'd go to the guitar room

625
00:31:45.880 --> 00:31:48.600
all cocky like, "Gonna smooch girls!"

626
00:31:48.680 --> 00:31:50.080
I'm like, "See you later!"

627
00:31:50.160 --> 00:31:52.160
I'd go on all alone, sad, along the hall,

628
00:31:52.240 --> 00:31:55.560
all the way down to the accordion room,
with a vibe like…

629
00:31:58.320 --> 00:31:59.800
"Watch out for the Germans."

630
00:32:01.280 --> 00:32:03.480
"Learn to protect Strasbourg, kiddo."

631
00:32:04.240 --> 00:32:05.080
It was tough.

632
00:32:06.760 --> 00:32:09.400
I stopped the accordion at a key moment.

633
00:32:09.480 --> 00:32:11.200
It's another moment which is…

634
00:32:12.800 --> 00:32:16.320
It's a bit tough,
but I was very much in love with a girl.

635
00:32:16.960 --> 00:32:21.600
In middle school. There was a big party.
I was very much in love with this girl.

636
00:32:22.120 --> 00:32:23.040
Ninon.

637
00:32:23.120 --> 00:32:24.920
My best friend, Thomas, was at the party.

638
00:32:25.440 --> 00:32:27.000
He knew that I loved Ninon.

639
00:32:27.520 --> 00:32:30.000
I had told him.
Because he was my confidant.

640
00:32:30.720 --> 00:32:34.080
Can you tell where this is going?
Let's go there together.

641
00:32:34.920 --> 00:32:37.240
At this party,
Thomas cleverly brings a guitar.

642
00:32:37.320 --> 00:32:39.480
Out of nowhere!

643
00:32:40.480 --> 00:32:43.320
He stands in a corner,
and he plays a few shitty tunes.

644
00:32:43.400 --> 00:32:46.240
Ninon goes over to him.
That whore puts a hand on his back!

645
00:32:46.320 --> 00:32:48.200
Sorry! I apologize.

646
00:32:48.280 --> 00:32:51.200
I said sorry before you reacted.
It doesn't count.

647
00:32:52.840 --> 00:32:53.680
She told him,

648
00:32:54.480 --> 00:32:56.920
"You're so cool, Thomas.
You play the guitar."

649
00:32:57.000 --> 00:32:58.920
At this party, she jerked him off.

650
00:33:09.640 --> 00:33:11.520
This is France now, ladies and gentlemen.

651
00:33:12.240 --> 00:33:14.640
You jerk off someone
for an F-flat, apparently.

652
00:33:22.120 --> 00:33:25.560
You realize I had told him
I loved her? He still…

653
00:33:26.520 --> 00:33:28.800
Looks like that's okay for you.
Are you crazy?

654
00:33:28.880 --> 00:33:30.200
Whose side are you on?

655
00:33:30.760 --> 00:33:32.000
I told him. He knew it!

656
00:33:32.080 --> 00:33:34.160
He betrayed me. It's a Greek betrayal.

657
00:33:34.240 --> 00:33:37.520
It's a stab in the back in the third act.
Same gesture. Disgusting.

658
00:33:38.360 --> 00:33:41.280
It breaks a child's heart.
It stays with you. That's what I mean.

659
00:33:43.240 --> 00:33:44.160
I was so angry.

660
00:33:45.040 --> 00:33:47.040
First time I felt like killing someone.

661
00:33:47.120 --> 00:33:49.320
I wanted to strangle Thomas
with my own hands.

662
00:33:49.400 --> 00:33:52.240
I could have. I had strong arms.
Carrying 9.5 kilos every week.

663
00:33:55.480 --> 00:33:56.560
It was so unfair.

664
00:33:57.120 --> 00:34:00.920
I thought, "I can't bring
my accordion to this party."

665
00:34:01.880 --> 00:34:04.240
A party on the sixth floor, no elevator.

666
00:34:05.640 --> 00:34:08.800
It's a first-floor instrument.
Or subways. Trenches.

667
00:34:08.880 --> 00:34:11.240
Everything close to hell, gravity-wise.

668
00:34:12.400 --> 00:34:14.360
It's the devil's instrument,

669
00:34:14.440 --> 00:34:16.040
as the pros like to say.

670
00:34:18.200 --> 00:34:20.720
Even if I had managed to bring it up,

671
00:34:20.800 --> 00:34:22.920
you can't play the accordion
at a middle school party.

672
00:34:24.200 --> 00:34:27.920
You're having doubts, but think
about any of your middle school parties.

673
00:34:28.800 --> 00:34:29.880
Try to visualize…

674
00:34:32.680 --> 00:34:35.480
that kid who doesn't have many friends,
who blinks a lot.

675
00:34:36.000 --> 00:34:37.800
Eating crackers all night long.

676
00:34:38.520 --> 00:34:41.120
He's getting hyped.
He grabs the karaoke mic.

677
00:34:43.360 --> 00:34:46.240
"Come on. Come stand around me.
Don't be afraid!"

678
00:34:47.720 --> 00:34:49.200
"Ninon, this is for you!"

679
00:34:49.800 --> 00:34:51.920
He opens the trunk. There's a trunk!

680
00:34:52.640 --> 00:34:54.440
This huge thing no kid has ever seen.

681
00:34:54.520 --> 00:34:55.920
It's like a Fiat 500 for them.

682
00:34:56.000 --> 00:34:58.600
He puts on suspenders.
The word "suspenders"!

683
00:34:59.320 --> 00:35:01.960
With a small latch at the back
to connect the suspenders.

684
00:35:02.040 --> 00:35:06.040
Or the accordion could fall on your legs,
and you become disabled for life.

685
00:35:06.120 --> 00:35:07.120
Oops, kiddo!

686
00:35:08.080 --> 00:35:10.160
I swear this is true.
My first accordion lesson,

687
00:35:10.240 --> 00:35:12.560
the teacher said,
"Always remember the latch."

688
00:35:12.640 --> 00:35:14.400
-"Or else, see Jean-Louis?"
-"Hi!"

689
00:35:14.480 --> 00:35:15.320
"Well…"

690
00:35:16.440 --> 00:35:18.680
The kid has scoliosis,

691
00:35:18.760 --> 00:35:20.280
and he goes, "Ninon!"

692
00:35:32.440 --> 00:35:35.640
The stumps of the Avignon

693
00:35:35.720 --> 00:35:36.800
It's over for him.

694
00:35:38.880 --> 00:35:39.720
Over!

695
00:35:46.560 --> 00:35:48.920
No palm will touch his genitals tonight.

696
00:35:50.040 --> 00:35:52.160
No one on earth ever said,

697
00:35:52.240 --> 00:35:54.120
"I'd love to bang the accordionist."

698
00:35:55.000 --> 00:35:55.840
Never.

699
00:35:58.000 --> 00:36:00.560
I stopped.
I started doing things I enjoyed.

700
00:36:00.640 --> 00:36:01.960
When I was allowed to go to Paris,

701
00:36:02.040 --> 00:36:04.720
I'd often wait outside comedy clubs
after the shows

702
00:36:04.800 --> 00:36:06.120
to talk to the comedians.

703
00:36:06.200 --> 00:36:07.440
Because I love humor.

704
00:36:09.880 --> 00:36:12.280
Such a stupid sentence.
Sorry, I take it back.

705
00:36:12.360 --> 00:36:13.520
I heard myself, like,

706
00:36:14.040 --> 00:36:15.160
"I love humor, yeah."

707
00:36:15.760 --> 00:36:17.720
"And breathing! I love both these things."

708
00:36:18.240 --> 00:36:21.120
"They're requisites.
Yeah, I know smart words too."

709
00:36:21.640 --> 00:36:23.000
I wanted to know how it works.

710
00:36:23.080 --> 00:36:26.320
One comedian introduced me
to a casting director.

711
00:36:26.840 --> 00:36:29.840
I messed up many auditions,
and I pulled one off at 16.5 years old.

712
00:36:29.920 --> 00:36:31.240
It was for Le Petit Journal.

713
00:36:31.760 --> 00:36:35.040
I get my foot in TV at 17 years old.
Which is really too young for TV.

714
00:36:35.560 --> 00:36:40.120
The first evening, there's a drinks party
with the crew, celebrities, famous people.

715
00:36:40.680 --> 00:36:41.800
In my head, I thought,

716
00:36:41.880 --> 00:36:45.280
"I need to go home right away
so that I can talk to my parents."

717
00:36:45.800 --> 00:36:48.000
I took a taxi. Because I had money.

718
00:36:48.840 --> 00:36:49.680
Because TV.

719
00:36:50.200 --> 00:36:51.040
Because Jews.

720
00:36:51.560 --> 00:36:55.400
And… No, I'm joking!
The show went in a different direction!

721
00:36:55.480 --> 00:36:57.520
"There are so many of them
in this industry!"

722
00:36:57.600 --> 00:36:58.720
I'm joking.

723
00:36:59.560 --> 00:37:01.080
I get home in the taxi.

724
00:37:01.160 --> 00:37:03.160
I remember I slammed the car door.

725
00:37:04.520 --> 00:37:07.320
I take my time,
and I watch the taxi turn left,

726
00:37:07.400 --> 00:37:08.920
as though I didn't want any witnesses.

727
00:37:10.240 --> 00:37:12.360
I turn around. The house looks huge.

728
00:37:12.440 --> 00:37:15.320
There's the gravel path
in front of the house.

729
00:37:15.400 --> 00:37:18.080
I still remember the noise of the gravel.
Heavier than usual.

730
00:37:18.160 --> 00:37:20.120
Everything was oppressive. So weird.

731
00:37:20.200 --> 00:37:23.040
I ring the bell.
I'm stressed. I'm not sure why.

732
00:37:23.960 --> 00:37:25.160
My mom is in her bathrobe.

733
00:37:25.240 --> 00:37:27.840
She hugs me so hard.
It had never happened to me.

734
00:37:27.920 --> 00:37:29.080
So hard!

735
00:37:29.160 --> 00:37:33.080
She whispers in my ear, like a secret,
"I'm so proud of you, my son."

736
00:37:33.720 --> 00:37:34.640
I stepped back.

737
00:37:35.880 --> 00:37:36.720
And I said,

738
00:37:38.200 --> 00:37:39.040
"Very well."

739
00:37:39.880 --> 00:37:43.200
Apparently, I had joined the aristocracy.
"Very well, Mother."

740
00:37:43.800 --> 00:37:45.560
"You can go back to the stables now."

741
00:37:46.480 --> 00:37:48.440
It wasn't like me!
I ran to the family room.

742
00:37:48.520 --> 00:37:51.520
My dad was sitting
in front of the TV, which was off.

743
00:37:52.040 --> 00:37:53.240
In his boxer shorts.

744
00:37:54.040 --> 00:37:55.480
He said, "Sit down."

745
00:37:55.560 --> 00:37:58.320
I sit down. I'm like,
"This is a student-teacher conference."

746
00:37:59.120 --> 00:38:00.400
He said, "I…"

747
00:38:03.160 --> 00:38:04.960
"I watched Le Journal Petit."

748
00:38:08.480 --> 00:38:09.560
"And I…

749
00:38:12.680 --> 00:38:13.960
I think that…

750
00:38:16.880 --> 00:38:19.800
you stare into space too much.
You look like an idiot. Too bad."

751
00:38:20.680 --> 00:38:22.360
He said that. There was a silence.

752
00:38:22.440 --> 00:38:24.560
He slapped his hand on his thigh.

753
00:38:25.200 --> 00:38:26.680
He got up with difficulty.

754
00:38:27.520 --> 00:38:29.480
He said, "Right, good night, everyone."

755
00:38:30.000 --> 00:38:30.840
I was alone.

756
00:38:32.080 --> 00:38:33.520
But he used that tone

757
00:38:33.600 --> 00:38:36.280
which all men who plan
to murder their family at night use.

758
00:38:36.800 --> 00:38:38.400
"Good night, everyone."

759
00:38:38.480 --> 00:38:39.920
"Sleep very peacefully."

760
00:38:40.640 --> 00:38:44.040
And he went to sleep
in his shitty little weasel burrow.

761
00:38:44.560 --> 00:38:47.160
I thought,
"I'll kill you one day, you know!"

762
00:38:48.240 --> 00:38:50.880
I was expecting
"I love you" or "I'm proud"

763
00:38:50.960 --> 00:38:54.440
because I know he's never ticked that box.

764
00:38:54.520 --> 00:38:57.240
I can't fault him for not doing
a thing he never experienced.

765
00:38:57.760 --> 00:39:00.160
I know my dad loves us with all his heart.

766
00:39:00.240 --> 00:39:01.320
He would kill for us.

767
00:39:01.840 --> 00:39:03.240
He's already done it twice.

768
00:39:03.920 --> 00:39:05.800
But there's this kind of wall

769
00:39:05.880 --> 00:39:09.480
between him and the world
as soon as feelings are involved.

770
00:39:09.560 --> 00:39:12.640
It terrifies me.
I'm so scared of it happening to me.

771
00:39:13.160 --> 00:39:16.240
When I'm with a girl I love,
and I want to kiss her.

772
00:39:16.840 --> 00:39:19.480
If you don't sort this as a parent,
it echoes through your kids.

773
00:39:19.560 --> 00:39:22.440
It leads to a line of kids
uncomfortable with feelings.

774
00:39:22.520 --> 00:39:23.360
"Hello."

775
00:39:24.560 --> 00:39:26.560
It leads to very silent family dinners.

776
00:39:27.080 --> 00:39:30.400
We love one another, but we don't say it.
Hearts racing.

777
00:39:30.480 --> 00:39:33.280
Screaming inside.
The kid like, "I know you love me!"

778
00:39:33.360 --> 00:39:34.880
"But I'd like to hear it once

779
00:39:34.960 --> 00:39:37.640
because it'd give me confidence
for 25 years!"

780
00:39:38.280 --> 00:39:41.640
The dad like,
"Fuck, I love you, son. I could eat you."

781
00:39:41.720 --> 00:39:44.000
"I'll eat you! Yum!
Nothing but bones left!"

782
00:39:44.080 --> 00:39:45.120
"I'll gobble you up!"

783
00:39:45.640 --> 00:39:49.560
"I can't tell you. Love is a feeling.
Feelings are for those with vulvae."

784
00:39:51.120 --> 00:39:55.240
The mom like, "Don't worry,
I have enough vulvae to love everyone!"

785
00:39:56.680 --> 00:39:58.760
"And I found a rental with a pond!"

786
00:40:00.000 --> 00:40:00.840
"Finally!"

787
00:40:01.680 --> 00:40:02.520
Such a shame.

788
00:40:03.520 --> 00:40:06.240
We all do stupid things. Me included.

789
00:40:07.120 --> 00:40:10.080
We start hiding our love
in small sentences,

790
00:40:10.160 --> 00:40:11.480
in small everyday acts.

791
00:40:11.560 --> 00:40:14.560
We delegate the responsibility
of understanding that it was love

792
00:40:14.640 --> 00:40:16.280
to the person we love.

793
00:40:17.400 --> 00:40:18.480
It's getting complicated.

794
00:40:19.000 --> 00:40:22.120
That's called a Trojan horse.
Which is a war strategy.

795
00:40:23.800 --> 00:40:27.320
Such a funny question.
Asking myself what I hide my love in.

796
00:40:27.400 --> 00:40:30.880
A few months ago, I realized
that I hide mine in mean jokes.

797
00:40:31.640 --> 00:40:34.240
When I love someone,
I want to destroy them.

798
00:40:35.320 --> 00:40:37.760
It's unhealthy. I realized this
because my housemate,

799
00:40:37.840 --> 00:40:40.480
my best friend,
the guy I've been talking about,

800
00:40:40.560 --> 00:40:41.480
had cancer.

801
00:40:42.080 --> 00:40:45.560
When we heard, without thinking,
my buddies and I held a surprise party.

802
00:40:45.640 --> 00:40:47.680
To wish him a…

803
00:40:47.760 --> 00:40:49.680
We should have thought about it!

804
00:40:49.760 --> 00:40:52.400
"Happy cancer to you, buddy!"

805
00:40:53.320 --> 00:40:57.360
We hid in the apartment, behind the sofas,
waiting for him to get in.

806
00:40:57.440 --> 00:40:59.360
When he put the key in the door,

807
00:40:59.960 --> 00:41:02.720
we looked at each other like,
"Maybe it wasn't a good idea,

808
00:41:03.240 --> 00:41:05.040
a surprise cancer party right now."

809
00:41:05.560 --> 00:41:06.840
Isn't it unbelievable?

810
00:41:06.920 --> 00:41:08.600
Humans have this ability

811
00:41:08.680 --> 00:41:12.000
to realize that an idea
was absolutely shitty from the start

812
00:41:12.080 --> 00:41:13.640
in the heat of the moment.

813
00:41:14.280 --> 00:41:16.920
You realize what's at stake right before.

814
00:41:17.000 --> 00:41:18.280
You're like, "Whoa."

815
00:41:18.360 --> 00:41:20.560
"Honey, is now a good time
to have a child?"

816
00:41:21.080 --> 00:41:22.080
The doctor is like,

817
00:41:22.160 --> 00:41:24.600
"Cut the umbilical cord. What's going on?"

818
00:41:25.120 --> 00:41:27.760
That's how we work.
We think after the fact.

819
00:41:27.840 --> 00:41:31.160
He had been in the flat
for 10 to 15 seconds. We were still…

820
00:41:31.880 --> 00:41:33.720
We're burglarizing him, actually.

821
00:41:34.480 --> 00:41:37.320
One of my buddies is really brave,
and he went,

822
00:41:38.160 --> 00:41:39.320
"Fuck, what…"

823
00:41:42.880 --> 00:41:44.400
He went, "What the…"

824
00:41:45.120 --> 00:41:47.240
We thought a heart attack was a nice gift.

825
00:41:47.320 --> 00:41:49.440
It's a neater way to go.

826
00:41:50.480 --> 00:41:52.960
Hey, he's better. Relax. He's cured.

827
00:41:53.040 --> 00:41:54.360
He allowed me to make jokes.

828
00:41:54.440 --> 00:41:57.880
He said, "You do all the jokes you want
about me and my cancer in your show."

829
00:41:58.400 --> 00:42:00.400
He said this right before he died.

830
00:42:01.480 --> 00:42:03.360
That was the first joke he approved.

831
00:42:03.960 --> 00:42:06.840
At that party, we had a football game.
He likes it.

832
00:42:06.920 --> 00:42:08.960
He was the goalie. Because he had cancer.

833
00:42:09.480 --> 00:42:13.560
It's very hard to know how to react
when a loved one tells you this.

834
00:42:14.280 --> 00:42:16.040
I was the first he told.

835
00:42:16.120 --> 00:42:18.520
He said, "I have cancer."
I said, "Drink water!"

836
00:42:19.920 --> 00:42:22.440
I don't know why that came out,
but it did.

837
00:42:23.120 --> 00:42:24.680
He was the goalie, okay?

838
00:42:24.760 --> 00:42:26.200
He's an awful goalie.

839
00:42:27.160 --> 00:42:28.840
The ball is near him.

840
00:42:28.920 --> 00:42:31.960
It'd have been so easy to catch it,
but he's awful.

841
00:42:32.040 --> 00:42:33.000
The ball goes in.

842
00:42:33.520 --> 00:42:36.520
My friends were so angry.
But they couldn't show it.

843
00:42:37.560 --> 00:42:38.880
Because he has cancer.

844
00:42:39.560 --> 00:42:43.080
There's nothing more enjoyable
than seeing men swallow their anger.

845
00:42:43.920 --> 00:42:46.560
They all went, "No big deal!"

846
00:42:49.920 --> 00:42:52.280
"Focus. Look around you. Right!"

847
00:42:54.920 --> 00:42:56.960
"No problem. We're having fun!"

848
00:42:57.800 --> 00:43:00.880
"Are you having fun? I am!
We're having fun! What a nice evening!"

849
00:43:00.960 --> 00:43:02.160
"We only have one life, right?"

850
00:43:07.120 --> 00:43:08.040
I was so angry.

851
00:43:08.720 --> 00:43:11.400
That's when I realized
I make mean jokes about those I love.

852
00:43:11.480 --> 00:43:14.800
I went to see him and I said,
"Sorry. You've got cancer?"

853
00:43:15.880 --> 00:43:17.320
"You can get the ball, then."

854
00:43:24.120 --> 00:43:26.480
Meaning, "Very good joke" in Italian.

855
00:43:29.320 --> 00:43:32.200
He was in stitches…
I never drink at the right time.

856
00:43:32.720 --> 00:43:34.960
For all comedians, there's applause, bam.

857
00:43:35.040 --> 00:43:36.520
I'd be an awful doctor.

858
00:43:37.640 --> 00:43:39.400
Like, "So you have…

859
00:43:48.440 --> 00:43:49.280
AIDS. Okay."

860
00:43:50.440 --> 00:43:51.360
That felt good.

861
00:43:52.560 --> 00:43:53.680
He was in stitches.

862
00:43:54.280 --> 00:43:56.720
He knows. He knows where I hide my love.

863
00:43:56.800 --> 00:44:00.320
He saw the kindness in it.
Like, "Best joke of your life!"

864
00:44:00.400 --> 00:44:01.400
That offended me.

865
00:44:02.040 --> 00:44:03.640
No, I was so happy.

866
00:44:03.720 --> 00:44:05.480
I was like, "Best joke of my life!"

867
00:44:05.560 --> 00:44:06.920
I looked at all my friends,

868
00:44:07.000 --> 00:44:10.640
and I said something
that I still don't understand today.

869
00:44:10.720 --> 00:44:14.480
"You heard the hot potato
I pulled up this dimwit?"

870
00:44:15.160 --> 00:44:16.360
What does that mean?

871
00:44:17.360 --> 00:44:20.320
It came out naturally,
as if I'd grown up in a village.

872
00:44:21.160 --> 00:44:23.600
My friends did the opposite of The Voice.

873
00:44:23.680 --> 00:44:25.560
They all looked away.

874
00:44:27.040 --> 00:44:28.880
They were all so uncomfortable.

875
00:44:29.840 --> 00:44:33.000
I was too, actually,
because what's when I realized

876
00:44:34.120 --> 00:44:36.840
that I didn't make that joke
to make him laugh,

877
00:44:36.920 --> 00:44:38.160
but to make me laugh.

878
00:44:38.680 --> 00:44:39.760
Because I was sad.

879
00:44:40.520 --> 00:44:41.760
My friend is unwell,

880
00:44:42.560 --> 00:44:46.040
and when I felt that I was about to cry,
I'd make jokes about people.

881
00:44:46.120 --> 00:44:48.120
It made me feel better
to see them struggle.

882
00:44:49.320 --> 00:44:51.280
I thought, "You need to see a shrink."

883
00:44:52.440 --> 00:44:53.520
I went to see one.

884
00:44:54.480 --> 00:44:56.840
I told her about that party. She said…

885
00:45:00.960 --> 00:45:01.800
"So, actually,

886
00:45:03.160 --> 00:45:04.640
when you feel vulnerable,

887
00:45:05.680 --> 00:45:07.720
instead of showing
your true colors to others

888
00:45:07.800 --> 00:45:10.360
because you're scared
of them rejecting you,

889
00:45:11.160 --> 00:45:13.920
you'd rather make them
more vulnerable than you are."

890
00:45:15.440 --> 00:45:16.920
-"I'm an asshole."
-"No."

891
00:45:18.080 --> 00:45:19.120
"Not quite."

892
00:45:20.000 --> 00:45:21.520
"That isn't the medical term."

893
00:45:22.960 --> 00:45:24.800
"Actually, it's as though…"

894
00:45:24.880 --> 00:45:27.920
-"I'm an asshole."
-"Yes!"

895
00:45:30.680 --> 00:45:32.440
"So that'll be 72 euros."

896
00:45:33.520 --> 00:45:36.520
That lady is unbelievable.
She blows my mind.

897
00:45:37.240 --> 00:45:40.360
You think she treads cautiously,
but then she doesn't.

898
00:45:40.960 --> 00:45:43.640
I sent my housemate to her
because of his midlife crisis.

899
00:45:43.720 --> 00:45:45.280
He couldn't talk about it.

900
00:45:45.360 --> 00:45:47.240
He saw her so many times.

901
00:45:47.320 --> 00:45:49.960
Then she said something so crazy,
he came home and told me,

902
00:45:50.040 --> 00:45:51.200
it blew our minds.

903
00:45:51.960 --> 00:45:52.880
She told him,

904
00:45:52.960 --> 00:45:55.760
"This will be our first work session."

905
00:45:56.520 --> 00:45:58.480
"I finally have your diagnosis."

906
00:45:59.200 --> 00:46:00.120
"So, you…

907
00:46:01.280 --> 00:46:02.960
you're having a midlife crisis."

908
00:46:03.640 --> 00:46:04.600
He said, "Yeah."

909
00:46:06.400 --> 00:46:08.760
"That's why I came here, because…

910
00:46:09.600 --> 00:46:10.720
there were clues."

911
00:46:11.400 --> 00:46:12.440
"I'm 40."

912
00:46:13.480 --> 00:46:15.200
"I'm going through a crisis."

913
00:46:15.720 --> 00:46:18.400
"It doesn't look like it,
but put two and two together,

914
00:46:18.480 --> 00:46:19.960
and I'll keep my 72 euros."

915
00:46:20.480 --> 00:46:21.520
She said, "No."

916
00:46:24.080 --> 00:46:25.640
"You're not keeping anything."

917
00:46:28.440 --> 00:46:30.880
"A midlife crisis doesn't mean anything."

918
00:46:33.760 --> 00:46:37.560
"Let's say that at birth,
we all had a small shell on our back."

919
00:46:38.800 --> 00:46:39.720
"Like a snail."

920
00:46:40.840 --> 00:46:41.680
"Follow me."

921
00:46:42.640 --> 00:46:43.880
"We go through life."

922
00:46:45.640 --> 00:46:47.760
"When we find a defining experience…

923
00:46:49.800 --> 00:46:50.800
in the shell!"

924
00:46:51.800 --> 00:46:54.160
"You didn't care.
You thought you knew who you were."

925
00:46:54.680 --> 00:46:56.320
"So you rushed headfirst into life."

926
00:46:56.840 --> 00:46:59.520
"Fifteen years old, 18, 22, 26, 30…"

927
00:47:00.280 --> 00:47:01.840
"You think it's filling up."

928
00:47:02.360 --> 00:47:03.920
"But I know. It's my job."

929
00:47:04.640 --> 00:47:06.520
"Knock knock, the shell is empty."

930
00:47:11.120 --> 00:47:12.040
"So you go on."

931
00:47:13.240 --> 00:47:14.960
"Thirty-three, 36, 40."

932
00:47:15.040 --> 00:47:16.400
"At 40, you stop."

933
00:47:16.480 --> 00:47:17.440
"You take stock."

934
00:47:17.520 --> 00:47:20.280
"You want to know what you've set aside.
And you went…"

935
00:47:24.440 --> 00:47:26.440
"But there's nothing in my shell!"

936
00:47:27.200 --> 00:47:28.880
"Shell… shell…"

937
00:47:31.440 --> 00:47:33.880
"What do you do
when you have lost something?"

938
00:47:33.960 --> 00:47:35.480
"What do we all do?"

939
00:47:38.440 --> 00:47:39.760
"Hello, Shell Police?"

940
00:47:40.840 --> 00:47:44.080
"I know. It's silly.
But that's a midlife crisis."

941
00:47:44.160 --> 00:47:45.360
"It's an emergency."

942
00:47:46.440 --> 00:47:47.760
"But there isn't one."

943
00:47:49.440 --> 00:47:50.880
"Because it's too late."

944
00:47:54.200 --> 00:47:55.480
"You're a slug."

945
00:48:02.360 --> 00:48:04.680
He was completely disoriented.

946
00:48:04.760 --> 00:48:06.360
He limped back home.

947
00:48:06.440 --> 00:48:08.240
I was happy on the sofa.

948
00:48:08.320 --> 00:48:10.640
He jumped at me like, "You gotta live!"

949
00:48:11.440 --> 00:48:14.160
I was like,
"That was the plan before you caught me."

950
00:48:14.240 --> 00:48:17.240
He said,
"You have to learn to collect… because…

951
00:48:18.480 --> 00:48:20.000
because then, knock knock, the shell."

952
00:48:20.080 --> 00:48:20.920
"Okay."

953
00:48:21.720 --> 00:48:24.720
"I'm missing some details.
I don't know everything."

954
00:48:24.800 --> 00:48:26.120
"Hello, Shell Police?"

955
00:48:26.200 --> 00:48:27.360
"Okay. Whoa."

956
00:48:28.000 --> 00:48:31.200
"Now I have all the bits.
You're scaring me, actually."

957
00:48:32.520 --> 00:48:36.200
It was so funny.
It made me feel better to talk about it.

958
00:48:37.160 --> 00:48:39.480
I was going through my twenties,
and I thought,

959
00:48:40.160 --> 00:48:41.400
"When does it start?"

960
00:48:42.400 --> 00:48:43.600
You ever thought that?

961
00:48:43.680 --> 00:48:46.000
Like, "When do I become myself?
Officially?"

962
00:48:46.520 --> 00:48:48.040
I always felt out of sorts,

963
00:48:48.120 --> 00:48:51.400
not in tune with something
everyone else understood so easily.

964
00:48:52.240 --> 00:48:53.200
It drove me crazy.

965
00:48:53.280 --> 00:48:55.800
To see my housemate, at 40,
ask himself the same questions

966
00:48:56.320 --> 00:48:59.480
as my dad surely did at 70, relaxed me.
It made me feel better.

967
00:49:00.000 --> 00:49:02.280
Our whole lives,
we'll almost be ourselves.

968
00:49:02.880 --> 00:49:05.560
We'll try to manage.
It's the taking part that counts.

969
00:49:06.160 --> 00:49:08.680
We'll be a draft until the end.
It relaxed me.

970
00:49:09.920 --> 00:49:11.800
You, less, it looks like. I can tell.

971
00:49:12.320 --> 00:49:15.320
We were ourselves as kids.
We were never more ourselves.

972
00:49:15.400 --> 00:49:17.080
What goes wrong as an adult?

973
00:49:18.520 --> 00:49:20.440
I don't know. Why all these questions?

974
00:49:20.520 --> 00:49:23.160
Do we actually become adults?
Debatable. I don't think so.

975
00:49:23.680 --> 00:49:25.480
I think that the adult we all became

976
00:49:25.560 --> 00:49:28.200
grew around the kid we used to be,
to protect him.

977
00:49:28.720 --> 00:49:31.840
Eventually, he suffocated him.
We all have a dead child inside.

978
00:49:33.000 --> 00:49:35.040
That's my outlook on life.
To each their own!

979
00:49:35.720 --> 00:49:36.960
Not dead, if it helps!

980
00:49:37.040 --> 00:49:38.600
A child in agony inside.

981
00:49:39.120 --> 00:49:40.800
Because no matter the age,

982
00:49:40.880 --> 00:49:41.960
20, 60, no matter,

983
00:49:42.040 --> 00:49:44.840
you walk down the street,
you see a crosswalk, and you think,

984
00:49:46.040 --> 00:49:47.760
"I'll only walk on the white strips."

985
00:49:48.280 --> 00:49:50.480
It's the kid going, "I'm still here!"

986
00:49:51.320 --> 00:49:52.520
"Why are you bald?"

987
00:49:54.720 --> 00:49:55.960
That'll happen to me.

988
00:49:57.240 --> 00:49:58.600
I was myself as a kid.

989
00:49:59.120 --> 00:50:00.760
I wasn't afraid of anyone.

990
00:50:00.840 --> 00:50:01.960
Someone new?

991
00:50:02.040 --> 00:50:04.280
I'd go and see them. "Hello! How are you?"

992
00:50:04.800 --> 00:50:07.160
I wasn't German. Just a weird voice.

993
00:50:07.240 --> 00:50:09.960
People must have thought,
"Here's a German kid. Hello!"

994
00:50:11.080 --> 00:50:13.440
When I was a kid, I was too much myself.

995
00:50:14.800 --> 00:50:15.880
You know the kind?

996
00:50:16.920 --> 00:50:19.360
With big adult heads.
They stare at you for eight minutes,

997
00:50:19.440 --> 00:50:20.960
as though you owed them money.

998
00:50:22.440 --> 00:50:24.520
At a family dinner, I was the type…

999
00:50:25.040 --> 00:50:27.160
You've never seen this kid in your life.

1000
00:50:27.240 --> 00:50:28.200
He looks at you.

1001
00:50:29.360 --> 00:50:32.680
He comes over. He pulls at your sweater.
"My butt hurts."

1002
00:50:34.440 --> 00:50:36.080
"Okay. What…"

1003
00:50:37.640 --> 00:50:42.040
"Was it me you wanted to talk to?
I don't think we've ever communicated."

1004
00:50:42.120 --> 00:50:43.800
"Mom had said no moussaka!"

1005
00:50:44.920 --> 00:50:47.080
-"I helped myself twice."
-"Right."

1006
00:50:49.840 --> 00:50:51.320
"Okay. Sorry."

1007
00:50:51.400 --> 00:50:54.840
"Marc, did you hear that?
What do I… what…"

1008
00:50:56.080 --> 00:50:58.200
-"What's your name, sweetie?"
-"Panayotis!"

1009
00:50:58.280 --> 00:50:59.840
"Okay, right."

1010
00:50:59.920 --> 00:51:01.280
"Marc, he's an SS soldier!"

1011
00:51:01.360 --> 00:51:04.440
"It's very weird. I'm scared.
I need to leave, Marc!"

1012
00:51:07.640 --> 00:51:10.760
As a kid, you just didn't care.
After that, middle school is tough.

1013
00:51:10.840 --> 00:51:14.760
It's a small society. Especially tough
when you play the accordion.

1014
00:51:15.640 --> 00:51:18.560
In middle school,
to get the others to love me,

1015
00:51:18.640 --> 00:51:20.600
to get the older kids to love me,

1016
00:51:21.520 --> 00:51:25.120
I'd buy chocolate with my pocket money
and hand it out after school.

1017
00:51:25.840 --> 00:51:28.960
If you're looking for
what emotion to feel, it's pity.

1018
00:51:29.480 --> 00:51:32.400
I'd carry melting chocolate
in my pockets all day.

1019
00:51:32.480 --> 00:51:34.200
In the evening, I'd wait at the gate,

1020
00:51:34.280 --> 00:51:37.280
and when they came out,
I'd go, "Operation Choco-Choco."

1021
00:51:38.640 --> 00:51:40.440
Not in my head. Aloud!

1022
00:51:41.240 --> 00:51:44.560
Like a '70s cop in civilian clothes,
a little bit shady.

1023
00:51:44.640 --> 00:51:46.160
"Operation Choc-Choco!"

1024
00:51:47.240 --> 00:51:51.200
I'd go see them. It was pathetic.
I'd say, "Do you want some chocolate?"

1025
00:51:52.200 --> 00:51:55.080
I was like a reverse pedophile,
when you think about it.

1026
00:51:55.160 --> 00:51:56.960
With older kids, "Want some chocolate?"

1027
00:51:57.040 --> 00:52:00.000
"Come, there's plenty in the Twingo!"

1028
00:52:00.880 --> 00:52:02.920
"Come!"

1029
00:52:07.680 --> 00:52:08.520
It worked.

1030
00:52:09.320 --> 00:52:11.360
I'd hang out with them.
I felt like I was someone.

1031
00:52:11.880 --> 00:52:16.200
I had a box of chocolates. I'd take
one or two for school every morning.

1032
00:52:16.280 --> 00:52:19.120
One morning, I open the box,
and there's nothing.

1033
00:52:19.960 --> 00:52:22.320
I freaked out
in a way I seldom have in life.

1034
00:52:22.840 --> 00:52:24.240
It was sad, but also sort of funny.

1035
00:52:24.320 --> 00:52:27.560
I was running everywhere,
screaming, "Anyone seen my chocolate?"

1036
00:52:28.080 --> 00:52:30.720
Which is sort of funny.
Half sad, half funny.

1037
00:52:30.800 --> 00:52:31.640
Sadunny.

1038
00:52:33.360 --> 00:52:35.480
I go see my sister. I ask her.

1039
00:52:35.560 --> 00:52:36.400
She just went,

1040
00:52:37.280 --> 00:52:38.120
"No."

1041
00:52:39.200 --> 00:52:42.760
I understood, and I cried
all the half salty tears in my body.

1042
00:52:43.280 --> 00:52:45.680
She said this sentence,
now legendary in my family,

1043
00:52:45.760 --> 00:52:47.880
"All right, chill, praline!"

1044
00:52:49.720 --> 00:52:51.360
Apparently that was my nickname.

1045
00:52:51.960 --> 00:52:54.640
I took a knife.
I said, "I'm gonna stick her!"

1046
00:52:55.640 --> 00:52:57.200
My father came running.

1047
00:52:57.280 --> 00:52:58.600
He grabbed the knife.

1048
00:52:59.200 --> 00:53:00.400
One piece of advice.

1049
00:53:00.920 --> 00:53:05.040
If you want to kill someone,
don't shout your plan just before.

1050
00:53:05.560 --> 00:53:07.760
Strangely, that alerts local authorities.

1051
00:53:08.360 --> 00:53:09.840
He took the knife, and he went, "Hey!"

1052
00:53:11.720 --> 00:53:12.720
He paused.

1053
00:53:13.600 --> 00:53:16.800
When my dad does that, it means
he's about to teach a life lesson.

1054
00:53:17.640 --> 00:53:19.800
My dad isn't very involved
in our education,

1055
00:53:19.880 --> 00:53:22.040
but every two years,
he pulls a publicity stunt

1056
00:53:22.840 --> 00:53:24.800
so that he gets reelected as Dad.

1057
00:53:25.560 --> 00:53:29.400
He was at the end of his nettles mandate.
He needed something big.

1058
00:53:30.600 --> 00:53:32.080
He took the knife, and he went, "Hey!"

1059
00:53:32.880 --> 00:53:35.160
"You look at… I'm going to do…"

1060
00:53:35.240 --> 00:53:37.160
He had to improvise, poor thing.

1061
00:53:39.040 --> 00:53:40.120
He took the knife.

1062
00:53:40.640 --> 00:53:43.600
He gave it to my sister.
"You stick him. I give you permission!"

1063
00:53:44.200 --> 00:53:45.120
No, I'm joking.

1064
00:53:46.080 --> 00:53:49.000
He took the knife.
He snapped it against his knee.

1065
00:53:49.080 --> 00:53:51.560
You're like, "Your dad had skills!" No.

1066
00:53:51.640 --> 00:53:54.360
He cut his hand and his knee.

1067
00:53:54.440 --> 00:53:56.440
"See? You shouldn't play with knives!"

1068
00:53:59.640 --> 00:54:00.480
"Well, yeah!"

1069
00:54:02.080 --> 00:54:05.240
"You too. What was…
You hear yourself speak?"

1070
00:54:06.120 --> 00:54:09.800
"When the sound comes out of your mouth,
does it get to your eardrum?"

1071
00:54:10.960 --> 00:54:11.840
He was in denial.

1072
00:54:12.360 --> 00:54:15.440
He's a man. He doesn't get hurt
so foolishly in front of his children.

1073
00:54:15.520 --> 00:54:16.960
"You're bleeding. You're okay?"

1074
00:54:17.040 --> 00:54:17.920
He was like,

1075
00:54:19.240 --> 00:54:20.560
"What makes you say that?"

1076
00:54:21.200 --> 00:54:22.480
That's his catchphrase.

1077
00:54:22.560 --> 00:54:25.160
When he's up against it,
"What makes you say that?"

1078
00:54:26.320 --> 00:54:29.200
He couldn't deny it anymore.
His injury was making noise.

1079
00:54:30.360 --> 00:54:33.240
Like, "Plop."

1080
00:54:34.080 --> 00:54:34.920
He went…

1081
00:54:41.040 --> 00:54:42.520
"Go get your mom. Let's see."

1082
00:54:43.320 --> 00:54:44.680
It was unbelievable.

1083
00:54:44.760 --> 00:54:47.720
I hurried down the stairs.
"Mom, quick, Dad is hurt!"

1084
00:54:47.800 --> 00:54:49.880
She said,
"He can handle it. He's grown up!"

1085
00:54:50.520 --> 00:54:51.400
"Nein!"

1086
00:54:52.680 --> 00:54:55.280
Dad is dying on the wood floor.
We need help.

1087
00:54:57.720 --> 00:54:58.560
It was crazy.

1088
00:54:58.640 --> 00:55:01.400
It was on that day I started to make jokes
for people to love me.

1089
00:55:01.480 --> 00:55:04.720
Instead of chocolate.
Simpler. And less dangerous.

1090
00:55:05.920 --> 00:55:09.040
Year after year, I started to build
the "almost me" my dad dreamed of.

1091
00:55:09.120 --> 00:55:09.960
Self-assured.

1092
00:55:10.600 --> 00:55:12.720
Confident, funny, a bit of a womanizer.

1093
00:55:14.200 --> 00:55:16.840
But never vulnerable.
It's helped me so many times,

1094
00:55:17.360 --> 00:55:20.880
but not when I want to kiss a girl I like.

1095
00:55:21.840 --> 00:55:25.280
My confident self is
in the bathroom with a glass of water.

1096
00:55:26.720 --> 00:55:28.920
And I'm alone, defenseless, sweating.

1097
00:55:30.400 --> 00:55:33.640
I fell in love with this girl
I talked about like in the movies.

1098
00:55:34.520 --> 00:55:37.760
She said one sentence,
and I was in love. I knew it.

1099
00:55:37.840 --> 00:55:41.200
It was self-evident.
Like warm water from my ears to my toes.

1100
00:55:41.920 --> 00:55:43.840
For you to understand this sentence,

1101
00:55:44.360 --> 00:55:47.040
I need to tell you
one last thing about my childhood.

1102
00:55:47.680 --> 00:55:49.560
As a kid, I used to touch my nipples.

1103
00:55:51.080 --> 00:55:54.000
If you start snickering now,
we won't be able to talk about it.

1104
00:55:54.520 --> 00:55:56.520
I'm starting to feel comfortable,
I open up,

1105
00:55:56.600 --> 00:55:58.720
and you laugh at me. That isn't nice.

1106
00:55:58.800 --> 00:56:01.680
Stop looking at me like that.
I see your eyes!

1107
00:56:01.760 --> 00:56:04.680
"He seemed like a weird kid,
but that's something else."

1108
00:56:04.760 --> 00:56:07.920
No! Each kid had their own weird thing.

1109
00:56:09.760 --> 00:56:11.640
No? There was a pause.

1110
00:56:11.720 --> 00:56:13.840
We'd often take
my brother to the hospital,

1111
00:56:13.920 --> 00:56:17.320
because he'd go,
"I won't breathe until we get home!"

1112
00:56:18.960 --> 00:56:21.920
After 20 meters,
he'd crash on the pavement like a loser.

1113
00:56:23.000 --> 00:56:25.600
When I was sad, I'd rub my boobs.
That was my thing.

1114
00:56:25.680 --> 00:56:28.120
Boobs, tits?
There are many ways to say it.

1115
00:56:28.200 --> 00:56:30.360
Stop looking at me like that!
I see your eyes!

1116
00:56:31.240 --> 00:56:33.920
When my parents told me off,
I'd go to my room, and…

1117
00:56:35.080 --> 00:56:36.040
It was my thing.

1118
00:56:36.640 --> 00:56:38.080
Throw me in jail!

1119
00:56:38.160 --> 00:56:39.320
We all did it.

1120
00:56:39.400 --> 00:56:41.840
It was my own Narnia. I released tension.

1121
00:56:41.920 --> 00:56:43.360
That bit doesn't matter.

1122
00:56:44.080 --> 00:56:46.600
What matters is, as a kid, I'd think,

1123
00:56:46.680 --> 00:56:49.600
"Why don't they talk about
the ability to disappear?" Okay.

1124
00:56:51.960 --> 00:56:54.200
So I started to try and talk about it.

1125
00:56:54.280 --> 00:56:55.400
To spread the word.

1126
00:56:56.640 --> 00:56:58.000
I went to see my friends.

1127
00:56:58.080 --> 00:57:01.560
"When you touch your nipples--"
"Stop hanging out with us."

1128
00:57:03.680 --> 00:57:04.920
Quick sentence.

1129
00:57:06.200 --> 00:57:09.920
So I tried to talk to my parents' friends
when they came for dinner.

1130
00:57:11.000 --> 00:57:11.840
Poor people.

1131
00:57:12.480 --> 00:57:15.200
I'd wait on a corner of the sofa,
like this.

1132
00:57:18.400 --> 00:57:19.680
Like a hairless cat.

1133
00:57:21.360 --> 00:57:23.320
I'd wait for them to hang out their coats.

1134
00:57:23.400 --> 00:57:25.120
They'd go up to the room with them.

1135
00:57:25.200 --> 00:57:26.120
And I'd strike.

1136
00:57:26.840 --> 00:57:27.920
"Sorry, Sylvie,

1137
00:57:28.000 --> 00:57:29.680
when you rub your boobies…"

1138
00:57:31.280 --> 00:57:32.840
They were so scared of me.

1139
00:57:33.400 --> 00:57:34.520
They'd freak out.

1140
00:57:35.040 --> 00:57:37.960
For them,
I was Élise Lucet in Cash Investigation.

1141
00:57:38.560 --> 00:57:40.360
They'd see me and turn around, "No."

1142
00:57:40.440 --> 00:57:43.560
"No undocumented workers
are employed by this company."

1143
00:57:43.640 --> 00:57:46.320
"Are you allowed to follow me?
Is this legal?"

1144
00:57:47.120 --> 00:57:48.320
They were so scared.

1145
00:57:49.560 --> 00:57:54.240
And one evening, my mom came up
to my room, and she said…

1146
00:57:56.520 --> 00:57:57.520
"All right, Panayou?"

1147
00:57:58.680 --> 00:57:59.520
"Yeah?"

1148
00:58:01.800 --> 00:58:02.640
"Great."

1149
00:58:04.680 --> 00:58:06.840
"Marc and Véronique
are coming over tonight."

1150
00:58:11.920 --> 00:58:14.040
"You're okay? Yeah?"

1151
00:58:16.400 --> 00:58:17.240
"Great."

1152
00:58:19.400 --> 00:58:21.680
"Maybe you shouldn't talk to them

1153
00:58:22.360 --> 00:58:24.280
about your little secret?"

1154
00:58:24.360 --> 00:58:25.840
It became taboo at home.

1155
00:58:27.960 --> 00:58:30.920
"But if you want to talk to someone,
we can see a shrink."

1156
00:58:31.440 --> 00:58:33.000
I said, "What's a shrink?"

1157
00:58:33.960 --> 00:58:36.200
"A shrink, Panayou, is someone you pay

1158
00:58:37.720 --> 00:58:40.480
to feel listened to,
accepted, like everyone else."

1159
00:58:41.240 --> 00:58:44.480
The most beautiful definition
of a shrink I've ever heard.

1160
00:58:45.080 --> 00:58:47.720
Only with a shrink can you go,
"My name's Philippe."

1161
00:58:48.720 --> 00:58:51.720
"My boss is rude with me,
but I handle it. I stay professional."

1162
00:58:51.800 --> 00:58:54.640
"I go on a cigarette break,
but I don't smoke."

1163
00:58:56.200 --> 00:58:59.800
"I get out of work. I turn left
because there's a flower shop."

1164
00:58:59.880 --> 00:59:03.000
"I buy a hamster there,
and I kill it under my armpit."

1165
00:59:04.880 --> 00:59:05.960
"That's my thing."

1166
00:59:06.760 --> 00:59:09.600
Only with the shrink can you say that.
Do you realize how lucky that is?

1167
00:59:10.160 --> 00:59:11.880
Your best friend would go,

1168
00:59:11.960 --> 00:59:13.560
"Philippe, you okay? What…"

1169
00:59:16.960 --> 00:59:19.840
"They sell hamsters in flower shops?
I had no idea."

1170
00:59:20.400 --> 00:59:22.600
There are so many
overwhelming questions in life.

1171
00:59:22.680 --> 00:59:24.600
But the shrink gets excited.

1172
00:59:25.200 --> 00:59:27.440
She's like, "Challenge!"

1173
00:59:28.520 --> 00:59:30.720
"What color was the hamster, Philou?"

1174
00:59:32.120 --> 00:59:34.560
"Rodents often symbolize Christ
in the subconscious."

1175
00:59:34.640 --> 00:59:36.320
"Yeah, let's talk about it."

1176
00:59:37.600 --> 00:59:38.560
It's her job.

1177
00:59:39.960 --> 00:59:43.360
I sit down, but I understood
that people laugh at me because of this.

1178
00:59:44.760 --> 00:59:46.720
So I decide not to talk about it.

1179
00:59:49.400 --> 00:59:52.520
-"What do you do all day?"
-"I often touch my nipp--"

1180
00:59:54.520 --> 00:59:55.680
"Damn, she's good!"

1181
00:59:57.480 --> 00:59:58.480
"Pay it no mind."

1182
01:00:00.280 --> 01:00:03.080
I'd be terrified
if a kid said, "Pay it no mind."

1183
01:00:03.880 --> 01:00:07.840
Their vocabulary is too precise.
"I'll tell you everything, Doctor."

1184
01:00:09.600 --> 01:00:10.920
A James Bond villain.

1185
01:00:11.000 --> 01:00:12.680
"I shan't omit any details."

1186
01:00:13.640 --> 01:00:15.480
"Sometimes I feel

1187
01:00:16.480 --> 01:00:17.320
frivolous."

1188
01:00:18.720 --> 01:00:20.560
"And I lock myself in my room…"

1189
01:00:21.240 --> 01:00:22.080
"Or rather,

1190
01:00:23.160 --> 01:00:24.120
the entrance hall."

1191
01:00:24.200 --> 01:00:27.000
"And I rub…

1192
01:00:30.400 --> 01:00:33.000
vigorously, Doctor,

1193
01:00:33.080 --> 01:00:34.560
the nipple area."

1194
01:00:36.000 --> 01:00:37.320
"And I feel my soul

1195
01:00:38.480 --> 01:00:39.720
transcend itself."

1196
01:00:41.040 --> 01:00:43.080
"And I like this feeling, Doctor."

1197
01:00:45.280 --> 01:00:47.400
I said it in a way
that was less terrifying.

1198
01:00:47.480 --> 01:00:49.400
Trust me. I was less terrifying.

1199
01:00:50.720 --> 01:00:51.640
But I tell her,

1200
01:00:53.200 --> 01:00:55.400
and I swear it's true, she just went,

1201
01:00:56.080 --> 01:00:56.920
"What?"

1202
01:00:58.120 --> 01:00:59.200
She laughed!

1203
01:01:00.360 --> 01:01:03.800
And I told myself
that I wouldn't talk about it ever again.

1204
01:01:04.320 --> 01:01:05.760
Never ever!

1205
01:01:05.840 --> 01:01:08.520
As long as Germany isn't…

1206
01:01:08.600 --> 01:01:09.520
No, I'm joking.

1207
01:01:10.520 --> 01:01:13.680
But I was extremely embarrassed.
So embarrassed.

1208
01:01:14.480 --> 01:01:17.640
I buried this inside.
I didn't talk about it for years.

1209
01:01:19.040 --> 01:01:21.240
It was my first date with this girl.

1210
01:01:22.440 --> 01:01:25.080
Not too long ago, the last girl I…

1211
01:01:25.160 --> 01:01:26.400
It was under Chirac.

1212
01:01:26.480 --> 01:01:29.440
So it's been a minute.

1213
01:01:30.520 --> 01:01:32.760
It wasn't that long ago,
but I felt uncomfortable.

1214
01:01:32.840 --> 01:01:37.440
First date. I joke around
to make her love me, and she stops me.

1215
01:01:37.520 --> 01:01:38.480
She says, "Hey."

1216
01:01:39.560 --> 01:01:42.640
"You've been making jokes.
We're not really talking."

1217
01:01:42.720 --> 01:01:46.080
"We could get to know each other.
Talk about our lives."

1218
01:01:46.640 --> 01:01:49.080
"Don't you have a funny childhood story?"

1219
01:01:52.240 --> 01:01:53.840
I said, "I have something,

1220
01:01:54.520 --> 01:01:56.520
but you go first, just to see."

1221
01:01:57.080 --> 01:01:59.280
I wanted to know
what kind of story to aim for.

1222
01:01:59.800 --> 01:02:02.640
Imagine she says something cute.
"I'll go first."

1223
01:02:03.320 --> 01:02:04.560
"I was left-handed,

1224
01:02:05.080 --> 01:02:07.280
but I'd play tennis with my right hand!"

1225
01:02:09.080 --> 01:02:11.400
I can't follow with, "Well, as for me,

1226
01:02:12.760 --> 01:02:15.080
I'd touch my nipples
to make myself disappear!"

1227
01:02:15.160 --> 01:02:17.280
"With both hands! Ambidextrous!" No.

1228
01:02:19.760 --> 01:02:23.240
So I let her go first.
She says something a bit daring. I relax.

1229
01:02:23.320 --> 01:02:26.080
I tell her. She stops. She says, "What?"

1230
01:02:28.160 --> 01:02:29.000
"Me too."

1231
01:02:29.520 --> 01:02:30.800
I said, "What?"

1232
01:02:31.880 --> 01:02:33.760
Have you ever loved someone so hard

1233
01:02:33.840 --> 01:02:36.480
you want that person to die
because you can't handle it?

1234
01:02:36.560 --> 01:02:38.880
Like, "I like you!"

1235
01:02:38.960 --> 01:02:40.440
"No, I liked them!"

1236
01:02:41.480 --> 01:02:43.800
No, that's never happened? Me neither.

1237
01:02:43.880 --> 01:02:46.880
I wanted to see if we were the same.

1238
01:02:46.960 --> 01:02:48.240
It's the same. Crazy.

1239
01:02:49.400 --> 01:02:52.240
I went crazy. "Go on!
Tell me. I'd like to hear."

1240
01:02:52.320 --> 01:02:56.160
She said, "I've never told anyone.
I can't tell you here just like that."

1241
01:02:56.240 --> 01:02:57.080
I said, "Yes!"

1242
01:02:58.240 --> 01:02:59.240
She said, "Well…"

1243
01:03:04.480 --> 01:03:07.800
"When I was little,
I felt like I was in the way."

1244
01:03:08.480 --> 01:03:11.680
"I'd lock myself in the bathroom.
I was so ashamed."

1245
01:03:12.680 --> 01:03:15.560
"I felt like I was carrying
the weight of the world on my shoulders."

1246
01:03:15.640 --> 01:03:19.920
"I'd go to the bathroom. No water.
Just the cold tiles. It was horrible."

1247
01:03:20.440 --> 01:03:22.840
"And I'd rub one rib. Mine was a rib."

1248
01:03:22.920 --> 01:03:25.520
"It'd feel like an electroshock."

1249
01:03:25.600 --> 01:03:28.160
"I felt like I was disappearing."

1250
01:03:29.320 --> 01:03:32.640
"I wasn't there anymore.
It felt good. Like dying for a bit."

1251
01:03:32.720 --> 01:03:34.840
"It'd make me appreciate life more."

1252
01:03:38.800 --> 01:03:40.000
I told her, "Can I…

1253
01:03:40.960 --> 01:03:43.200
can I rub my nipple against your rib?"

1254
01:03:44.280 --> 01:03:46.760
"To see if we'd both disappear
to the same place."

1255
01:03:47.720 --> 01:03:48.560
She laughed.

1256
01:03:49.680 --> 01:03:51.200
It wasn't a joke. She laughed.

1257
01:03:53.040 --> 01:03:54.280
I was in love with her.

1258
01:03:55.320 --> 01:03:57.280
I couldn't kiss her on the first date.

1259
01:03:58.200 --> 01:04:01.200
Second date, I could tell she wanted to.
I couldn't do it.

1260
01:04:01.280 --> 01:04:04.400
Third date. A disaster.
I told you about the fourth date.

1261
01:04:04.920 --> 01:04:08.200
She leaves the flat after the fourth date.
I'm on the sofa with my housemate.

1262
01:04:08.280 --> 01:04:11.200
I'm in despair.
"She's going to move on. Rightfully."

1263
01:04:11.720 --> 01:04:15.120
"Four dates? Then eight?
Twelve? I'll need to pay her a salary!"

1264
01:04:15.200 --> 01:04:16.560
"It's an employment contract!"

1265
01:04:17.080 --> 01:04:19.160
He wasn't listening. He was pacing.

1266
01:04:19.920 --> 01:04:20.760
He said, "No!"

1267
01:04:22.160 --> 01:04:23.720
"We're going to kiss her!"

1268
01:04:24.240 --> 01:04:27.320
I said, "You're too involved.
You're scaring me."

1269
01:04:27.400 --> 01:04:28.960
He said, "Now you listen!"

1270
01:04:29.760 --> 01:04:33.360
"Fifth date. You invite her here.
I'll be in my room. I won't listen."

1271
01:04:34.320 --> 01:04:37.800
"She rings. You open.
But she stays in the corridor."

1272
01:04:39.120 --> 01:04:41.240
"She's just rang.
You open. You don't talk."

1273
01:04:41.320 --> 01:04:44.000
"You look her in the eye,
and you kiss her."

1274
01:04:45.000 --> 01:04:46.960
"You step back. You bring her in."

1275
01:04:48.360 --> 01:04:49.320
"You go, 'Hey.'"

1276
01:04:50.240 --> 01:04:53.440
"Weren't those
the longest three minutes of your life?"

1277
01:04:57.240 --> 01:04:59.760
With hindsight,
I understand that it was trash.

1278
01:05:00.560 --> 01:05:04.040
But right then, don't be mad,
I was like, "You're a genius!"

1279
01:05:04.120 --> 01:05:06.120
So many things point to the opposite.

1280
01:05:06.200 --> 01:05:08.400
Eight ex-wives.
Twelve times child support.

1281
01:05:08.480 --> 01:05:09.480
Is it even legal?

1282
01:05:10.680 --> 01:05:13.560
I listened to him.
72 hours later, I was all dressed up,

1283
01:05:13.640 --> 01:05:15.240
waiting for the fifth date.

1284
01:05:17.000 --> 01:05:19.920
She gets there.
We could hear her heels on the wood floor.

1285
01:05:20.440 --> 01:05:23.360
"We" because he opened his door.
"You hear? She's coming!"

1286
01:05:23.440 --> 01:05:25.200
"Okay. I feel pity for the two of us."

1287
01:05:25.280 --> 01:05:27.960
"It's very weird. Put on your pants."

1288
01:05:30.080 --> 01:05:30.920
She rings.

1289
01:05:35.200 --> 01:05:36.040
I open.

1290
01:05:37.960 --> 01:05:39.320
I look her in the eye.

1291
01:05:41.960 --> 01:05:42.800
And nothing.

1292
01:05:44.200 --> 01:05:45.400
In my head, it's like…

1293
01:05:47.240 --> 01:05:51.840
And she steps closer to come in.
As expected.

1294
01:05:52.720 --> 01:05:55.120
Imagine. You ring someone's door.
They open, and…

1295
01:05:57.320 --> 01:06:00.640
You start doubting yourself.
"Did I ring or did you?"

1296
01:06:00.720 --> 01:06:02.720
"Who's coming in? I don't get it."

1297
01:06:03.600 --> 01:06:06.520
So she comes closer without thinking.
I'm freaking out.

1298
01:06:06.600 --> 01:06:08.680
He said she should stay in the corridor!

1299
01:06:09.240 --> 01:06:12.400
I use my elbow to block her,
as if this was a natural pose.

1300
01:06:12.480 --> 01:06:14.680
She steps back.
She says, "You okay, Panayotis?"

1301
01:06:14.760 --> 01:06:17.320
I think, "It's now or never. Go for it!"

1302
01:06:18.000 --> 01:06:21.040
I go to kiss her,
but not like in a romantic movie.

1303
01:06:21.920 --> 01:06:22.960
Like a zombie movie.

1304
01:06:23.840 --> 01:06:24.680
I went…

1305
01:06:26.360 --> 01:06:28.920
The closer I got,
the further back she went.

1306
01:06:29.440 --> 01:06:31.520
I thought, "It's further than I thought."

1307
01:06:32.120 --> 01:06:34.760
"If I'd known, I would've brought snacks."

1308
01:06:35.560 --> 01:06:39.480
I couldn't go further. I'd reached
the limit of my isometric butt muscles.

1309
01:06:40.120 --> 01:06:40.960
No kissing.

1310
01:06:41.040 --> 01:06:42.360
No touching. Nothing.

1311
01:06:43.640 --> 01:06:45.480
But I had nothing else to say but,

1312
01:06:46.000 --> 01:06:48.360
"Weren't these
the longest three minutes of your life?"

1313
01:06:49.840 --> 01:06:51.680
Embarrassing. I used that tone.

1314
01:06:52.280 --> 01:06:54.720
Disgusting. Like I had just tortured her.

1315
01:06:55.600 --> 01:06:58.440
"The longest three minutes of your life,
Jean Moulin!"

1316
01:06:58.520 --> 01:07:00.880
So weird.

1317
01:07:00.960 --> 01:07:04.760
She straightened up.
"The longest three minutes of my life?"

1318
01:07:06.360 --> 01:07:09.200
"Is this about that weird
three-minute thing from last time?"

1319
01:07:11.280 --> 01:07:12.640
"You tried to kiss me?"

1320
01:07:14.000 --> 01:07:15.120
I said,

1321
01:07:16.640 --> 01:07:18.000
"What makes you say that?"

1322
01:07:19.400 --> 01:07:22.440
I couldn't touch my nipple to disappear.
She knew about it!

1323
01:07:23.040 --> 01:07:27.160
Literally, I thought,
"It'd help the two of us if she died."

1324
01:07:29.000 --> 01:07:30.120
"We'll move on."

1325
01:07:30.760 --> 01:07:31.760
"Me, especially."

1326
01:07:32.400 --> 01:07:34.560
So I failed. I'm in the apartment.

1327
01:07:34.640 --> 01:07:37.960
She's in the corridor.
There's an open door between us.

1328
01:07:38.040 --> 01:07:39.040
Just like that.

1329
01:07:39.120 --> 01:07:39.960
We're talking.

1330
01:07:40.520 --> 01:07:46.160
In my blind spot, I can tell that
there's someone by the wall there.

1331
01:07:47.040 --> 01:07:47.960
I just hear,

1332
01:07:49.200 --> 01:07:50.520
"Kiss her!"

1333
01:07:51.560 --> 01:07:53.520
As if he was commentating
on a football game!

1334
01:07:54.040 --> 01:07:56.440
She hears a voice. She looks in.

1335
01:07:56.520 --> 01:07:57.520
She sees him!

1336
01:07:58.920 --> 01:08:00.000
"Is he your housemate?"

1337
01:08:00.080 --> 01:08:02.160
I say, "Huh? What?"

1338
01:08:02.240 --> 01:08:04.120
She says, "He's not your housemate?"

1339
01:08:07.600 --> 01:08:09.560
"There's a man in his shorts
in your family room."

1340
01:08:10.760 --> 01:08:13.080
"Is that why
you don't want me to come in?"

1341
01:08:13.600 --> 01:08:16.720
Not sure if that was a joke,
or if she wanted to push me a bit.

1342
01:08:17.240 --> 01:08:20.000
But I took everything literally.
And I said…

1343
01:08:26.640 --> 01:08:27.880
"I don't see anyone."

1344
01:08:29.600 --> 01:08:30.600
I denied someone.

1345
01:08:32.040 --> 01:08:32.880
Literally.

1346
01:08:33.440 --> 01:08:35.440
Even though he was there. I tried.

1347
01:08:35.960 --> 01:08:39.880
It's bold. As if she was gonna say,
"Your lamp is really stylish!"

1348
01:08:40.560 --> 01:08:41.840
I'm so stupid!

1349
01:08:42.520 --> 01:08:44.760
I thought, "No, you didn't say that."

1350
01:08:45.360 --> 01:08:47.920
I tried to put it right
and pretend it was a joke,

1351
01:08:48.000 --> 01:08:49.920
but the pause was a telltale.

1352
01:08:50.520 --> 01:08:51.760
"I don't see anyone."

1353
01:08:55.920 --> 01:08:56.760
What a moron.

1354
01:08:58.080 --> 01:09:01.040
Luckily, she's got a sense of humor.
She said, "He isn't real?"

1355
01:09:02.240 --> 01:09:03.080
"Okay."

1356
01:09:07.720 --> 01:09:09.400
"I can see him really well."

1357
01:09:12.840 --> 01:09:15.160
"Sorry! Nice to meet you."

1358
01:09:15.880 --> 01:09:17.960
"This is a weird question,
but are you real?"

1359
01:09:18.480 --> 01:09:19.600
And he went…

1360
01:09:30.440 --> 01:09:31.680
"Fuck, I don't know."

1361
01:09:35.120 --> 01:09:36.880
"But we're gonna fill up that shell."

1362
01:09:47.600 --> 01:09:48.640
The truth is worse.

1363
01:09:48.720 --> 01:09:51.480
She talked to him.
He just turned and left.

1364
01:09:51.560 --> 01:09:54.120
Like, "If I don't reply,
she won't know I was there."

1365
01:09:55.080 --> 01:09:57.200
She looked at me.

1366
01:09:57.720 --> 01:10:00.160
With a face that was like,
"You're a bit silly at times."

1367
01:10:00.240 --> 01:10:01.720
She pushed the door.

1368
01:10:02.480 --> 01:10:04.160
She walked in confidently.

1369
01:10:04.240 --> 01:10:05.440
As if she paid rent.

1370
01:10:06.280 --> 01:10:08.800
And she just pushed me into a corner.

1371
01:10:10.000 --> 01:10:11.320
She looked me in the eye.

1372
01:10:12.560 --> 01:10:13.480
It wasn't cute.

1373
01:10:14.560 --> 01:10:15.400
An owl.

1374
01:10:19.160 --> 01:10:21.920
I could tell she realized
that I just didn't know how.

1375
01:10:23.320 --> 01:10:26.000
That it was out of reach.
Not part of my family's DNA.

1376
01:10:27.960 --> 01:10:28.800
She kissed me.

1377
01:10:35.440 --> 01:10:36.520
I'm not a puppy!

1378
01:10:38.400 --> 01:10:41.320
It sounded a bit like,
"He pooped on his own!"

1379
01:10:41.400 --> 01:10:43.040
"Well done, Melchior!" No.

1380
01:10:47.640 --> 01:10:48.800
I didn't feel anything.

1381
01:10:51.800 --> 01:10:53.640
"We don't know where we stand!"

1382
01:10:55.000 --> 01:10:58.800
I became a granite block in front of her.

1383
01:10:58.880 --> 01:11:03.960
I felt cold.
I felt distant from her, from myself.

1384
01:11:04.040 --> 01:11:06.400
From everything. I felt alone. So weird.

1385
01:11:06.920 --> 01:11:08.480
She went over to the sofa.

1386
01:11:09.000 --> 01:11:11.120
So I went too.
It's my place. It's strange.

1387
01:11:12.200 --> 01:11:15.720
We talk for an hour or two.
And when we talk,

1388
01:11:15.800 --> 01:11:18.840
I feel like I think that I love her.

1389
01:11:19.560 --> 01:11:21.120
But nothing when she kisses me.

1390
01:11:22.640 --> 01:11:24.480
She has work early, so she has to go.

1391
01:11:24.560 --> 01:11:27.720
I walk her to the door.
She kisses me very slowly.

1392
01:11:27.800 --> 01:11:29.920
Nothing. Less than before. It's so weird.

1393
01:11:30.680 --> 01:11:31.760
She says,

1394
01:11:33.040 --> 01:11:35.000
"Well, I think
we're gonna see more of each other."

1395
01:11:35.600 --> 01:11:37.200
I said, "Yes."

1396
01:11:41.400 --> 01:11:42.520
I was allowed by then.

1397
01:11:44.160 --> 01:11:45.200
I was so lost.

1398
01:11:46.480 --> 01:11:48.600
I came back in. Well, I walked one meter.

1399
01:11:50.200 --> 01:11:52.440
I sat on the sofa, and I thought,

1400
01:11:52.520 --> 01:11:54.440
literally, word for word,

1401
01:11:55.960 --> 01:11:56.880
"Now you know."

1402
01:11:59.080 --> 01:12:00.560
"You don't know how to love."

1403
01:12:01.720 --> 01:12:04.320
It sent shivers down my spine.
It's silly, but I believed it.

1404
01:12:04.400 --> 01:12:09.360
I convinced myself for a whole minute.
"You don't know how to love. It happens."

1405
01:12:09.440 --> 01:12:11.840
"Your dad can't really do it,
and so you don't know."

1406
01:12:11.920 --> 01:12:12.960
"That's how it works."

1407
01:12:13.040 --> 01:12:15.960
"Some people are good at love,
and some aren't."

1408
01:12:16.040 --> 01:12:19.920
"Like bread. Some people can make bread.
Others, you try their bread. It's a no."

1409
01:12:20.840 --> 01:12:22.080
"It needs more salt."

1410
01:12:23.720 --> 01:12:25.160
My housemate came out.

1411
01:12:25.240 --> 01:12:27.920
He'd heard everything.
He put his hand on my shoulder.

1412
01:12:28.920 --> 01:12:29.840
He whispered,

1413
01:12:30.520 --> 01:12:33.600
"You're a man now, damn it!
I'm proud of you".

1414
01:12:34.920 --> 01:12:36.840
I felt a fluttering in my stomach.

1415
01:12:38.160 --> 01:12:40.320
I thought, "Have I been in love with him?"

1416
01:12:43.520 --> 01:12:46.320
I'd love to tell you
that I'm dating this girl,

1417
01:12:46.400 --> 01:12:47.680
that we have beautiful kids,

1418
01:12:47.760 --> 01:12:51.480
that we see each other
for brunch every weekend.

1419
01:12:52.720 --> 01:12:53.640
Eggs Benedict.

1420
01:12:55.080 --> 01:12:56.440
But I never saw her again.

1421
01:12:59.320 --> 01:13:00.440
Some are disappointed.

1422
01:13:01.240 --> 01:13:03.280
For you, it's a show.
For me, it's my life.

1423
01:13:07.960 --> 01:13:10.400
We had the opening for the show recently.

1424
01:13:11.200 --> 01:13:13.680
I mean, before this beautiful pandemic.

1425
01:13:13.760 --> 01:13:15.680
Yum! We should do it again.

1426
01:13:17.120 --> 01:13:20.400
I was so scared before the opening.
I call my mom when I'm scared.

1427
01:13:20.480 --> 01:13:22.600
I tell her I'm scared. Pragmatic.

1428
01:13:23.760 --> 01:13:25.760
I say, "I don't feel like myself."

1429
01:13:26.520 --> 01:13:28.520
She said, "He's so annoying with this!"

1430
01:13:29.040 --> 01:13:30.680
"Yes, Panayou, you're yourself!"

1431
01:13:31.200 --> 01:13:33.600
"When you called, it was your name!"

1432
01:13:34.320 --> 01:13:36.440
She's always so cute in moments like this.

1433
01:13:37.000 --> 01:13:38.360
"Is it about the show?"

1434
01:13:38.920 --> 01:13:41.760
I said, "I don't know. I think so, yeah."

1435
01:13:42.440 --> 01:13:43.880
"Listen, it's your opening."

1436
01:13:44.760 --> 01:13:47.240
"An opening on stage
is like every first time."

1437
01:13:47.320 --> 01:13:48.480
"You try things out."

1438
01:13:49.000 --> 01:13:51.240
"If you're not feeling it,
try something else. No big deal"

1439
01:13:52.040 --> 01:13:53.200
"And it's your opening."

1440
01:13:53.720 --> 01:13:56.200
"You're going to screw up. No big deal."
"Stop!"

1441
01:13:57.200 --> 01:13:58.760
"One sentence too many. No, thank you."

1442
01:13:59.280 --> 01:14:01.680
She always puts it right
like Jean-Claude Van Damme.

1443
01:14:01.760 --> 01:14:07.920
She went, "No, you're going to screw
the nail of success!"

1444
01:14:08.000 --> 01:14:09.840
She stutters,
and she hands the phone to my dad.

1445
01:14:11.400 --> 01:14:14.640
He takes the phone.
I hear him breathing. I go all-in.

1446
01:14:14.720 --> 01:14:15.560
I tell him,

1447
01:14:16.520 --> 01:14:17.360
"I'm scared."

1448
01:14:17.960 --> 01:14:19.920
It's about feelings.
I can hear him clam up.

1449
01:14:21.280 --> 01:14:25.240
He says, "Is it about the show?"
I say, "What makes you say that?"

1450
01:14:25.960 --> 01:14:27.800
He says, "Call me after the opening."

1451
01:14:28.320 --> 01:14:31.240
"Tell me once things are done.
Not when you're doing them."

1452
01:14:33.640 --> 01:14:34.480
I heard the…

1453
01:14:35.760 --> 01:14:38.720
only dads do on the phone
after a weird, mean joke.

1454
01:14:39.600 --> 01:14:41.160
I understood we were the same.

1455
01:14:42.080 --> 01:14:43.760
I played his game for the first time.

1456
01:14:44.280 --> 01:14:46.760
"Want me to tell you
once things are done?"

1457
01:14:47.320 --> 01:14:48.160
"Okay."

1458
01:14:48.680 --> 01:14:52.360
"When my girlfriend is pregnant,
I'll tell you when it's born?"

1459
01:14:53.320 --> 01:14:55.520
He said, "Yes."

1460
01:14:57.320 --> 01:14:58.160
So much ego.

1461
01:14:58.880 --> 01:15:01.320
We want to see
which one of us would break first.

1462
01:15:02.320 --> 01:15:05.520
"Call me once your girlfriend
is back from the hospital."

1463
01:15:05.600 --> 01:15:08.680
"She'll call you herself,
so I don't have to talk to you."

1464
01:15:10.200 --> 01:15:12.560
He goes,
"The baby will call. Don't worry."

1465
01:15:15.960 --> 01:15:18.280
Because he's really funny, he added,

1466
01:15:19.440 --> 01:15:21.040
"Still don't have a girlfriend, right?"

1467
01:15:22.920 --> 01:15:24.200
"Call me once it's done."

1468
01:15:35.320 --> 01:15:36.720
"Actually, about that,

1469
01:15:36.800 --> 01:15:38.160
maybe I wrote this show

1470
01:15:39.200 --> 01:15:41.440
to tell you and Mom
something I'd struggle to say

1471
01:15:41.520 --> 01:15:44.080
and which I can't even tell myself,
and it's annoying."

1472
01:15:45.440 --> 01:15:46.280
He said,

1473
01:15:48.200 --> 01:15:49.760
"I think we know, little punk."

1474
01:15:51.640 --> 01:15:53.560
"You should know that I…" And I went…

1475
01:15:54.720 --> 01:15:55.840
He said, "What?"

1476
01:15:55.920 --> 01:15:57.280
I said, "Don't say it."

1477
01:15:57.880 --> 01:15:59.240
He said, "I don't want to."

1478
01:15:59.760 --> 01:16:00.840
I go, "Don't say it."

1479
01:16:01.560 --> 01:16:02.560
"I won't say it."

1480
01:16:03.760 --> 01:16:04.840
There was a pause.

1481
01:16:05.760 --> 01:16:06.840
He just added…

1482
01:16:09.320 --> 01:16:10.800
"Have a good show, son."

1483
01:16:11.560 --> 01:16:12.400
And I said,

1484
01:16:13.840 --> 01:16:14.680
"You too."

1485
01:16:18.520 --> 01:16:19.360
I almost said,

1486
01:16:20.480 --> 01:16:22.200
"Thank you. Have a good evening."

1487
01:17:27.840 --> 01:17:32.840
THANK YOU TO MY MOM AND DAD