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Downloaded from
YTS.MX

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Official YIFY movies site:
YTS.MX

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A NETFLIX COMEDY SPECIAL

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[lighthearted music playing]

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PANAYOTIS PASCOT: ALMOST

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[Panayotis]
I don't know how to kiss girls.

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It's terrified me since I was a kid.

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Kissing girls scares me so much.

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Uh, not long ago,
I met a girl I liked a lot.

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At the end of the first date,
I couldn't kiss her.

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I tried.

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She didn't get what I was doing.

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[audience laughs]

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First date, I couldn't kiss her.

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At the second date, I couldn't either.

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We set up a third date,
and on the way I felt so much pressure

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because the more dates are set,

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the more attempts there are,

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the more pressure there is.

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Just like the driving license.

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If you flunk it once,

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you hang on and study.

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Three times?
Take the bus, you're a pain in the ass.

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[audience laughs]

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Has anyone here flunked it several times?

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-Clap if you have. Go on.
-[audience clapping]

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You're proud too!

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"We can't read signs!"

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[audience laughs]

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Some of you raised your hands.

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You didn't… listen to the instructions
until the end.

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I know why you flunked your license.
Listen until the end.

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"Now, turn…" Bah!

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"No. Shucks. I was going to say right."

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"You turned left. Unfortunately,
that was an elementary school."

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"You've just killed eight children. Oops."

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"And a pregnant woman…

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expecting twins, that's ten children!"

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[audience laughs]

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I flunked mine so many times,
always because of parallel parking.

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Parallel parking scares me.

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I realized recently
that parallel parking was a symbol,

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like a kiss,
and if you mess that up, as a man,

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it means you're not a real man.

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Which is ridiculous.

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What's perverted about a kiss is,

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you can't tell the girl,
"Hang on, I'll try again."

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"I'll angle the kiss!"
No, that doesn't work.

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You can't have a buddy behind her, going

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-"Go on."
-[audience laughs]

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"Go on, go on, go on…"

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"Stop. Glottis."

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No.

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[audience laughs]

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Third date,

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I couldn't kiss her.

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I felt so ridiculous,
I went home and I vented to my housemate.

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I usually struggle to open up,

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but it's easy because
my housemate is my best friend.

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He was there, because he always is.

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He's 40 and I love him, okay?

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I told him, "I think I'm afraid of
the moment when I go and kiss a girl."

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He gave me good advice,

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"Don't be afraid of the moment
when you kiss a girl."

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[audience laughs]

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I said, "And?" and he said, "Yes."

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That's not advice.
That's denial. It doesn't work.

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-"Mom, I'm scared of the dark!"
-"Don't be scared, Timothée."

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"Go back to the cave, please."

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[audience laughs]

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He told me,

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"You're scared of it
because you're scared of being rejected."

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"Fourth date, you invite her here.
I'll be in my room, I won't listen."

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I was like, "It's a weird thing
to point out, but fine."

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"She rings the bell, you open."

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"You set her up.
She should talk for a long while."

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"You look her in the eyes.
You interrupt her."

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"And you go…"

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[audience laughs]

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"Go on, suck my dick."

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-[audience laughs]
-No, I'm joking!

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He told me…

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Should I use this tone for the whole show?
He told me,

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"You interrupt her,
and you say, 'I'm sorry,

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I may kiss you in the next three minutes.
Go on.'"

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"If she goes, 'No, thank you,'
don't do it."

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[audience laughs]

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A very good consent-based technique.

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He said, "But if she goes…"

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[audience laughs]

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"'Okay.'"

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[audience laughs]

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[squeals]

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He said, "If she goes high-pitched,
the chick is happy."

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That sentence misogynists
used in the '80s.

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Like, "It's a good sign
if she wags her tail."

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Truly Neanderthal-like.

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It was my only advice.

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I invite her on a fourth date.
I'm so stressed.

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She's late, because she's classy.

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So I had time to think behind the door.

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I think I know why
I don't know how to kiss the girls I like.

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It's because of my parents.

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They are the only couple I experienced.

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They've been together for 30 years,
I've never seen them kiss.

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Not one sign of affection.

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Like people who love each other a little,
but nothing crazy.

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They're like office colleagues
whose boss went,

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"Both of you,

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on Monday, I want a family on my desk."

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They were like, "The boss said it!"

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I don't understand
their dynamics as a couple.

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Sometimes I go eat at home.
I ring the bell.

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They open, like, "Hello, son!"

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[audience laughs]

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They're like Sims. It's so weird.

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"How are you?"

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"Ha-ha-ha" Ooh.

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"I was well…"

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I see them about, and I think,
"How did you conceive me?"

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There are six children in my family.

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One child conceived every three years,
which is too mathematical for me.

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But I have a theory.

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Every three years…

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my parents rent a meeting room.

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They put on their outfits, and like…

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[audience laughs]

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Sex civil servants.

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Can't imagine anything
other than something civil.

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Very cordial. "Hello."

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A handshake. I guess my dad rubs a bit.

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She picks it up in a little well
which she applies.

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She lies on her back, and it infuses.

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Like a small tea.

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A mommy fruit tea.

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That's my theory. Don't know.

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[giggles] I can, she's my mom.

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I don't like that you laughed. No.

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-[audience laughs]
-Eh.

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My parents love each other.

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They just never look at each other.
I like to annoy my mom with that.

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I like to annoy my mom,
but with this currently.

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Sometimes I go home to wind her up.

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I tell her, "You don't love Dad.
You never look at him."

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"You can tell me.
I'm your son. Let's talk."

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She goes mental.
"What are you saying? Why?"

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When he's two meters away, I go,
"Hey! You don't love him?"

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[audience laughs]

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"You can tell me, even if I'm asleep!
Let's talk!"

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She broke down and said,

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"You don't understand anything,
you little punk."

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[audience laughs]

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She said, "To love someone, Panayotis,
isn't about looking at them in the eye."

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"It's about
looking in the same direction."

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"The same direction."

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It moved me.

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When she said this, it moved me,
but I don't show my emotions.

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I reacted in a weird way.

159
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I just pushed my mom,

160
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and I said,
"That was ridiculous, what you said!"

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I screamed in her face

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with the choked voice

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of a racist old lady.

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The voice of that lady
who opens her shutters at night,

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"Too many Arabs!"

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[audience laughs]

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You know that lady, right?
That was my voice. It came out naturally.

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The worst is, the lady is right.

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My mom! My mom is right!

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Sorry. Oops.

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I mix them because they're the same.
But it's just… Whoo…

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That was a joke! Okay!

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Recently, I understood what she meant
by looking in the same direction.

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We were having dinner at my parents'.

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We were eating in silence
because we don't know how to communicate.

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And…

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[inhales]

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For the past 15 years, every summer,

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my mom rents a vacation rental with a pond
so that my dad can go fishing.

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Is this love? I have no idea.

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She started late this year.
There was no pond available.

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We didn't know it yet.
It was complete silence.

183
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Something deep, sad,
was going on inside my mom.

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She stares at my dad,
she takes a deep breath, and,

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"Well,

186
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I'm sorry, I haven't found
a rental with a pond."

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He was eating.

188
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He told her, "And?"

189
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She said, "Well,

190
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I haven't found a rental with a pond
so that you can go fishing."

191
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He told her, "And?"

192
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She said, "Well,

193
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is he stupid or what?"

194
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"Because you like to go fishing."

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He goes, "No."

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[audience laughs]

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My mom's eyelid started twitching.

198
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She said, "Yes."

199
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"You do like it. I've been renting a pond
for 15 years so that you could go."

200
00:08:53,080 --> 00:08:54,520
"I've been fishing for 15 years

201
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because you've been
renting a pond for 15 years!"

202
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What's there to do in Poitou-Charentes?

203
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He started shaking.
He got up. He went to bed.

204
00:09:02,760 --> 00:09:04,720
I was eating. I was freaking out.

205
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I told them,
"Is that looking in the same direction?"

206
00:09:07,880 --> 00:09:09,280
[audience laughs]

207
00:09:09,360 --> 00:09:10,400
"You're cross-eyed."

208
00:09:10,480 --> 00:09:11,760
[applause]

209
00:09:11,840 --> 00:09:12,680
"Watch out."

210
00:09:15,040 --> 00:09:17,680
Of course, with that example,
I can't kiss the girl I like.

211
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I'm working on it, but not yet.

212
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I was waiting behind the door
for the fourth date.

213
00:09:22,040 --> 00:09:24,200
I kiss her on the cheek. I set her up.

214
00:09:24,280 --> 00:09:25,360
She's gorgeous.

215
00:09:25,440 --> 00:09:26,760
I try to play it cool.

216
00:09:28,320 --> 00:09:31,320
I have to interrupt her.
My housemate's three-minute technique.

217
00:09:31,960 --> 00:09:32,880
But I'm so shy.

218
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Not usually,
but I get flustered if I like them.

219
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So I motivate myself.

220
00:09:37,320 --> 00:09:38,800
"Come on. You can do it."

221
00:09:40,040 --> 00:09:43,680
"Just interrupt her.
It's not difficult. I'll count down."

222
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"One hundred."

223
00:09:46,360 --> 00:09:48,120
[audience laughs]

224
00:09:48,200 --> 00:09:49,560
I look at her and I go…

225
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[loudly] "Hey!"

226
00:09:51,520 --> 00:09:53,000
A bit too intense!

227
00:09:53,080 --> 00:09:54,560
She jumped. She looked at me.

228
00:09:54,640 --> 00:09:55,720
I swear this is true.

229
00:09:55,800 --> 00:09:57,800
I panicked. I went, "Hey!"

230
00:09:58,280 --> 00:10:00,400
Ooh!

231
00:10:00,480 --> 00:10:01,520
"What's going on?"

232
00:10:01,600 --> 00:10:03,400
I said, "I need the toilet."

233
00:10:04,240 --> 00:10:06,760
I was improvising.
I did this with my arms.

234
00:10:06,840 --> 00:10:08,520
I locked myself up in the toilet.

235
00:10:08,600 --> 00:10:11,560
I thought to myself for ten seconds,
"What have you done?"

236
00:10:11,640 --> 00:10:12,720
"What just happened?"

237
00:10:12,800 --> 00:10:14,800
A new terror crept up. I thought,

238
00:10:15,720 --> 00:10:18,720
"She'll hear I'm not doing anything.
She won't trust me!"

239
00:10:18,800 --> 00:10:21,320
I had an idea.
I emptied the toothbrush holder.

240
00:10:21,400 --> 00:10:22,960
I filled it with water, and I…

241
00:10:24,800 --> 00:10:25,640
poured.

242
00:10:26,720 --> 00:10:28,960
I thought, "Go see a shrink, Panayotis."

243
00:10:29,640 --> 00:10:30,480
"It's time."

244
00:10:31,080 --> 00:10:34,800
"You're faking a small wee
for a girl who doesn't care

245
00:10:34,880 --> 00:10:37,040
because a kiss is scary.
Something's wrong."

246
00:10:38,320 --> 00:10:40,440
I go back to the family room.
I'm stressed.

247
00:10:41,120 --> 00:10:42,160
I needed a wee

248
00:10:42,240 --> 00:10:45,080
because water dripping into a toilet
sounds exactly like a wee.

249
00:10:45,160 --> 00:10:46,240
So I…

250
00:10:46,320 --> 00:10:48,760
I can't flush twice in a row. Like, "No…"

251
00:10:49,400 --> 00:10:52,560
"It's not what you think.
I don't like a big wee."

252
00:10:52,640 --> 00:10:53,880
[audience laughs]

253
00:10:53,960 --> 00:10:56,920
"I prefer two short, small wees
with a break in the middle."

254
00:10:57,000 --> 00:10:58,960
"So I do what I call the first wee,

255
00:10:59,480 --> 00:11:03,080
then I stop deliberately,
and when it tickles me, I go back."

256
00:11:03,800 --> 00:11:05,160
"That's the second wee."

257
00:11:05,240 --> 00:11:08,600
"Don't take it from me.
It's my thing. It's mine."

258
00:11:08,680 --> 00:11:09,880
"My private garden."

259
00:11:10,720 --> 00:11:11,560
No.

260
00:11:12,360 --> 00:11:13,880
I go back to the family room.

261
00:11:14,480 --> 00:11:15,440
I'm sweating.

262
00:11:16,320 --> 00:11:19,240
I look at her,
and I don't know, I drop my defenses.

263
00:11:19,320 --> 00:11:21,160
I interrupt her. I go, "Sorry."

264
00:11:21,720 --> 00:11:23,960
"I may kiss you
in the next three minutes."

265
00:11:24,040 --> 00:11:24,880
"Go on."

266
00:11:26,520 --> 00:11:27,440
What a stud!

267
00:11:29,080 --> 00:11:29,920
She went…

268
00:11:31,320 --> 00:11:32,880
[audience laughs]

269
00:11:35,680 --> 00:11:37,240
"You're such a weird guy!"

270
00:11:37,320 --> 00:11:39,320
[audience laughs]

271
00:11:40,200 --> 00:11:41,040
"Okay."

272
00:11:42,560 --> 00:11:43,520
[whimpers]

273
00:11:43,600 --> 00:11:45,360
[audience laughs]

274
00:11:45,440 --> 00:11:46,400
[whimpers]

275
00:11:46,480 --> 00:11:47,560
I went Neanderthal

276
00:11:47,640 --> 00:11:50,400
because in my head,
I was like, "Go high-pitched!"

277
00:11:50,480 --> 00:11:52,120
"Come on, sweetie!"

278
00:11:52,200 --> 00:11:54,680
You become a little shit so quickly!

279
00:11:55,640 --> 00:11:58,440
I could tell in her eyes
that she wanted to.

280
00:11:59,200 --> 00:12:02,000
I wasn't scared of rejection.
It was a cute little moment.

281
00:12:02,080 --> 00:12:03,760
Two minutes go by. My heart's racing.

282
00:12:04,280 --> 00:12:06,760
Two minutes and 30 seconds, 40 seconds.

283
00:12:07,280 --> 00:12:08,120
Fifty seconds.

284
00:12:09,320 --> 00:12:10,320
Thirteen minutes.

285
00:12:10,400 --> 00:12:11,480
[audience laughs]

286
00:12:11,560 --> 00:12:14,400
She's looking at me like, "Didn't we say…"

287
00:12:15,760 --> 00:12:16,960
I couldn't kiss her.

288
00:12:18,040 --> 00:12:19,320
I can hear you!

289
00:12:20,400 --> 00:12:21,320
I'm not scared!

290
00:12:21,840 --> 00:12:24,920
I'm not scared of a kiss!
I'm scared of being vulnerable.

291
00:12:25,440 --> 00:12:27,280
I'm convinced
that when you kiss someone…

292
00:12:27,360 --> 00:12:30,440
I mean, real kisses.
It doesn't happen often, but you can tell.

293
00:12:30,520 --> 00:12:32,200
You feel fluttering in your stomach.

294
00:12:32,720 --> 00:12:35,320
This is your most
vulnerable moment in life.

295
00:12:35,400 --> 00:12:36,720
Because in one action,

296
00:12:37,240 --> 00:12:39,720
as symbolic and stupid as…

297
00:12:41,440 --> 00:12:43,080
You pour out the feelings you stored

298
00:12:43,160 --> 00:12:45,880
when thinking about this person
for weeks or months.

299
00:12:45,960 --> 00:12:49,040
You find the guts
to serve them up on a silver platter.

300
00:12:49,600 --> 00:12:51,160
You look them in the eyes.

301
00:12:51,240 --> 00:12:54,800
You wait to humbly offer
this silver platter at the right time.

302
00:12:55,920 --> 00:12:57,720
What's horrible is she can go,

303
00:12:58,640 --> 00:12:59,480
"No!"

304
00:13:00,200 --> 00:13:02,440
You should be like,
"It went well. No big deal."

305
00:13:03,560 --> 00:13:04,720
"It happens."

306
00:13:04,800 --> 00:13:07,720
"Well, yes. Are you kidding?
Nothing ventured, nothing gained."

307
00:13:07,800 --> 00:13:09,640
"Yes, Sylvie, are you kidding?"

308
00:13:10,880 --> 00:13:13,720
"Mind if I go to sleep?
Today has been exhausting."

309
00:13:13,800 --> 00:13:15,960
"I'll pick this up? Of course."

310
00:13:16,040 --> 00:13:17,920
"Are you kidding? I'm not messy."

311
00:13:18,000 --> 00:13:21,360
"No, it's broken,
but it's only my self-confidence."

312
00:13:21,440 --> 00:13:22,400
It terrifies me.

313
00:13:24,280 --> 00:13:25,520
It scares me so much.

314
00:13:26,280 --> 00:13:29,120
I've learned recently
that when you kiss someone,

315
00:13:29,200 --> 00:13:30,440
the bacteria in…

316
00:13:30,520 --> 00:13:32,320
You're not going to like this.

317
00:13:32,880 --> 00:13:35,360
The bacteria in the mouth of the person

318
00:13:35,440 --> 00:13:37,480
stay within you
for four years after the kiss.

319
00:13:39,080 --> 00:13:42,000
Those people who kissed losers
are like, "What?"

320
00:13:43,080 --> 00:13:46,080
"What's he saying with his T-shirt
in his pants? What, Steve Jobs?"

321
00:13:46,600 --> 00:13:47,640
It's true.

322
00:13:48,400 --> 00:13:49,720
Go home and Google it.

323
00:13:50,280 --> 00:13:52,320
Your mouths are full
of people from the past.

324
00:13:52,880 --> 00:13:55,480
Your mouths are Airbnbs. Mm.

325
00:13:55,560 --> 00:13:56,920
I'm a small vacation rental.

326
00:13:57,800 --> 00:13:59,800
Not many visitors. In Poitou-Charentes.

327
00:14:00,440 --> 00:14:01,760
[chuckles] "Hello!"

328
00:14:02,600 --> 00:14:05,960
"Welcome to the Three Lavender rental!"

329
00:14:06,880 --> 00:14:08,240
"How was your journey?"

330
00:14:09,960 --> 00:14:10,800
That's me.

331
00:14:10,880 --> 00:14:12,040
[audience laughs]

332
00:14:18,120 --> 00:14:19,120
I couldn't do it.

333
00:14:19,840 --> 00:14:22,440
Nothing more emasculating
than a failed kiss.

334
00:14:23,280 --> 00:14:25,040
She has work in the morning.

335
00:14:25,120 --> 00:14:28,200
I walk her back to the door.
She stops one last time.

336
00:14:30,160 --> 00:14:32,080
I kiss her on the cheeks. Awful.

337
00:14:32,560 --> 00:14:35,480
She said, "Well, see you next time, then."

338
00:14:35,560 --> 00:14:36,840
I said, "Yes."

339
00:14:37,680 --> 00:14:39,280
Then I slammed the door.

340
00:14:40,400 --> 00:14:42,520
It looks like a slap on her ass. No.

341
00:14:42,600 --> 00:14:43,640
[audience laughs]

342
00:14:43,720 --> 00:14:44,800
I just can't mime.

343
00:14:45,520 --> 00:14:47,880
The guy can't smooch,
but, "Come on, princess."

344
00:14:48,440 --> 00:14:51,520
"Get out or I'll take you out.
Yeah, get home safely." No.

345
00:14:51,600 --> 00:14:54,560
I just can't mime.
I don't know how to slam a door.

346
00:14:56,200 --> 00:14:58,240
I look like Passe-Partout, I don't know…

347
00:14:59,320 --> 00:15:01,440
Whoa, no. Nope.

348
00:15:02,240 --> 00:15:03,520
I slam the door. Okay.

349
00:15:03,600 --> 00:15:07,240
Right then, my housemate opens his door.
He goes, "What happened?"

350
00:15:07,760 --> 00:15:09,680
- "I know you listened."
- "Yes."

351
00:15:10,520 --> 00:15:11,840
He won't lie anymore.

352
00:15:11,920 --> 00:15:14,800
He's going through a midlife crisis.
He's a truth toast.

353
00:15:15,320 --> 00:15:17,320
He goes,
"I heard it, she went high-pitched."

354
00:15:17,920 --> 00:15:21,480
"She wanted it to happen.
So the fear was only in your head."

355
00:15:22,240 --> 00:15:25,280
It drove me crazy.
I said, "You're not my father!"

356
00:15:26,840 --> 00:15:28,720
He punished me and sent me to bed.

357
00:15:30,240 --> 00:15:31,240
I couldn't sleep.

358
00:15:32,000 --> 00:15:35,920
I had insomnia. It drove me crazy.
Actually, enough with this word.

359
00:15:36,680 --> 00:15:38,480
Insomnia. That's really a lie.

360
00:15:39,200 --> 00:15:41,440
That's a coverall to hide the truth.

361
00:15:42,440 --> 00:15:45,760
-"You look tired, Bertrand!"
-"Yes, I have insomnia. It's okay."

362
00:15:46,560 --> 00:15:47,640
Let's tell the truth.

363
00:15:48,160 --> 00:15:49,720
Let's learn to say, "True."

364
00:15:49,800 --> 00:15:52,080
"Right now I have problems in life,

365
00:15:52,160 --> 00:15:54,120
but I can't think about it
during the day."

366
00:15:54,200 --> 00:15:55,600
[audience laughs]

367
00:15:55,680 --> 00:15:57,240
"So I think about it at night."

368
00:15:57,840 --> 00:15:58,680
"And I cry."

369
00:15:59,720 --> 00:16:02,560
"Since I'm lying in bed,
my tears drop in my ears

370
00:16:03,760 --> 00:16:05,440
and I listen to my sadness."

371
00:16:06,520 --> 00:16:08,120
"How was your weekend in Cévennes?"

372
00:16:08,200 --> 00:16:10,680
[audience applauding]

373
00:16:12,120 --> 00:16:13,440
We'd have everything to gain.

374
00:16:15,960 --> 00:16:16,920
I'm just saying.

375
00:16:17,840 --> 00:16:18,720
It made me angry.

376
00:16:18,800 --> 00:16:22,080
My dad used to say to us,
"It's all in your head."

377
00:16:22,560 --> 00:16:24,640
We'd go see him. He'd go, "You're sad?"

378
00:16:26,000 --> 00:16:27,280
"It's all in your head."

379
00:16:28,240 --> 00:16:30,600
"There's no point in crying.
It won't help."

380
00:16:31,920 --> 00:16:32,760
"Stitches?"

381
00:16:34,160 --> 00:16:35,480
"It's all in your head."

382
00:16:36,000 --> 00:16:38,240
-"I'm bleeding."
-"It's all in your head."

383
00:16:38,760 --> 00:16:41,200
"It was in my head. Now it's coming out."

384
00:16:42,360 --> 00:16:45,440
My father has an old-fashioned view
of what a man is.

385
00:16:45,960 --> 00:16:48,000
For my father, a man is strong,

386
00:16:48,080 --> 00:16:50,680
confident, a bit funny,
a bit of a womanizer,

387
00:16:50,760 --> 00:16:52,120
but never vulnerable.

388
00:16:52,200 --> 00:16:54,040
My father denies two things in life.

389
00:16:54,120 --> 00:16:56,560
He denies feelings.
For him, that doesn't exist.

390
00:16:57,120 --> 00:16:58,080
And speed bumps.

391
00:16:59,200 --> 00:17:00,600
That doesn't exist either.

392
00:17:00,680 --> 00:17:03,320
We go over a speed bump
at 70 kilometers per hour.

393
00:17:03,400 --> 00:17:06,040
-"There was a speed bump."
-"What makes you say that?"

394
00:17:06,560 --> 00:17:09,920
I have to argue whether
my forehead hit the car ceiling.

395
00:17:10,440 --> 00:17:12,840
It drives me crazy. Not long ago,

396
00:17:12,920 --> 00:17:15,440
we'd left a restaurant.
He'd ordered a coffee to go.

397
00:17:15,960 --> 00:17:17,280
I don't even know why.

398
00:17:17,360 --> 00:17:20,400
These days, he likes to say,
"To go. I don't have the time."

399
00:17:20,920 --> 00:17:21,760
He has time.

400
00:17:22,520 --> 00:17:23,760
I know his schedule.

401
00:17:24,720 --> 00:17:26,280
A lot of time, not much use of it.

402
00:17:27,160 --> 00:17:28,920
We're in the car. He has his coffee.

403
00:17:29,000 --> 00:17:30,240
We run over a speed bump.

404
00:17:30,320 --> 00:17:34,000
And on his thigh,
I see a little coffee stain.

405
00:17:34,960 --> 00:17:37,280
I go nuts.
"Didn't we go over a speed bump?"

406
00:17:37,360 --> 00:17:39,480
"Okay, sorry. Quick question."

407
00:17:39,560 --> 00:17:42,120
"Why do you have
a coffee stain on your thigh?"

408
00:17:42,200 --> 00:17:44,840
He replied… This isn't a joke.

409
00:17:44,920 --> 00:17:46,880
I'm just offering this life moment.

410
00:17:47,680 --> 00:17:48,520
He told me…

411
00:17:53,480 --> 00:17:55,400
"This is how I drink my coffee."

412
00:17:55,480 --> 00:17:57,160
[audience laughs]

413
00:17:57,960 --> 00:18:00,960
[applause]

414
00:18:01,040 --> 00:18:02,880
He doesn't give a damn anymore.

415
00:18:03,560 --> 00:18:05,680
The crazy thing is, for him, that's a man.

416
00:18:05,760 --> 00:18:07,960
"I'm right because I said I'm right!"

417
00:18:08,680 --> 00:18:11,280
He started teaching us this way early on!

418
00:18:11,360 --> 00:18:15,280
I was eight years old.
We were on holiday in a vacation rental.

419
00:18:16,920 --> 00:18:18,880
[audience chuckling]

420
00:18:18,960 --> 00:18:21,240
You're laughing at my life, but fine.

421
00:18:21,320 --> 00:18:22,160
[chuckles]

422
00:18:22,240 --> 00:18:24,560
My dad, my brothers and I
were walking in the woods.

423
00:18:24,640 --> 00:18:26,360
It wasn't a fun, educational walk

424
00:18:26,440 --> 00:18:28,960
like I hope you have all
enjoyed in your childhood.

425
00:18:29,040 --> 00:18:30,320
Like, "Kids! Come!"

426
00:18:31,320 --> 00:18:32,920
Shh!

427
00:18:34,200 --> 00:18:35,400
"Here is a conifer."

428
00:18:35,480 --> 00:18:36,640
[audience laughs]

429
00:18:36,720 --> 00:18:39,440
No. Though it'd be stupid
to whisper for a tree.

430
00:18:39,520 --> 00:18:41,840
We'd just follow one another
in a single file,

431
00:18:41,920 --> 00:18:43,880
without talking
for 45 minutes in the woods.

432
00:18:43,960 --> 00:18:45,040
We were so scared!

433
00:18:45,120 --> 00:18:46,320
We were hostages,

434
00:18:46,960 --> 00:18:48,480
stretching their legs like,

435
00:18:48,560 --> 00:18:52,600
"The FARC are so nice, giving us
five minutes of exercise a day."

436
00:18:52,680 --> 00:18:54,960
"It wasn't like during Ingrid's time."

437
00:18:55,480 --> 00:18:59,600
One of my brothers is crying.
It's annoying my father. He goes, "Hey!"

438
00:19:00,640 --> 00:19:01,520
"Stop crying."

439
00:19:02,360 --> 00:19:04,960
Which from an educational point of view
has never worked.

440
00:19:05,560 --> 00:19:08,640
There's never been a child going, "Yes!"

441
00:19:10,040 --> 00:19:12,920
"It's so silly! I hadn't thought of that!"

442
00:19:14,240 --> 00:19:15,840
"We turned off the faucet!"

443
00:19:16,400 --> 00:19:18,120
"Nice to meet you. You are?"

444
00:19:18,200 --> 00:19:20,000
"You're daddy!"

445
00:19:20,080 --> 00:19:20,920
No.

446
00:19:22,320 --> 00:19:24,800
If a child speaks like this,
you should run.

447
00:19:25,440 --> 00:19:28,280
He's haughty.
He's screwing with you. Not a good sign.

448
00:19:29,000 --> 00:19:29,960
He goes on crying.

449
00:19:30,040 --> 00:19:33,480
My father is so annoyed
that he goes over to him like, "Hey."

450
00:19:35,440 --> 00:19:36,960
"It's all in your head."

451
00:19:38,320 --> 00:19:39,800
"No need to show it to the others."

452
00:19:40,760 --> 00:19:44,320
He pauses. He looks at us.
He says, "I'll give you a lesson."

453
00:19:45,520 --> 00:19:46,640
He drops his pants.

454
00:19:47,840 --> 00:19:50,840
Relax, this isn't going there at all.
[laughs]

455
00:19:50,920 --> 00:19:52,840
In all of my childhood stories,

456
00:19:52,920 --> 00:19:55,240
my father is in his shorts.
No judgment, we all have a dad.

457
00:19:55,720 --> 00:19:58,200
He throws his pants, and he goes, "Hey!"

458
00:19:58,800 --> 00:20:00,360
"You watch me!"

459
00:20:01,040 --> 00:20:03,400
He's not drunk, but that's how he talks.

460
00:20:03,480 --> 00:20:06,600
We watch our dad
walk into the woods, in his shorts,

461
00:20:08,440 --> 00:20:10,200
natural as a weasel.

462
00:20:10,720 --> 00:20:13,600
He was always too hairy for a man.

463
00:20:13,680 --> 00:20:16,000
Twenty meters in, he stops.
He goes, "Hey!"

464
00:20:17,040 --> 00:20:18,880
"There's a ditch with nettles!"

465
00:20:20,000 --> 00:20:20,880
He goes in.

466
00:20:21,960 --> 00:20:23,440
He rubs around the ditch.

467
00:20:23,520 --> 00:20:26,280
It's weird.
We only see his chest. It's scary.

468
00:20:26,960 --> 00:20:29,840
He comes out.
He goes to my brother. "Hey!"

469
00:20:32,560 --> 00:20:34,560
[audience laughs]

470
00:20:36,920 --> 00:20:38,160
"Am I crying?"

471
00:20:38,960 --> 00:20:42,360
We were like, "Who's gonna call
Child Protective Services?"

472
00:20:43,040 --> 00:20:46,160
"Just once.
We'll be separated, but we'll be safe."

473
00:20:47,120 --> 00:20:49,480
No. We were scared. We went, "No."

474
00:20:49,560 --> 00:20:51,920
-"You're not crying."
-"I'm not crying, right?"

475
00:20:53,280 --> 00:20:57,200
"You see, that's a man.
You don't cry even if you feel like it."

476
00:20:59,960 --> 00:21:02,120
"If you show what's inside of you,

477
00:21:03,520 --> 00:21:05,160
the world is gonna eat you alive."

478
00:21:06,040 --> 00:21:06,880
"Capisce?"

479
00:21:07,960 --> 00:21:11,320
As for us,
we all started crying one at a time.

480
00:21:12,440 --> 00:21:15,080
He was scaring us.
That big, itchy, red man.

481
00:21:15,720 --> 00:21:18,240
He went, "What didn't you understand?"

482
00:21:18,320 --> 00:21:20,800
Like Philippe Etchebest
in Cauchemar en cuisine.

483
00:21:20,880 --> 00:21:24,200
My mother was meeting us.
She sees this scene from afar.

484
00:21:24,280 --> 00:21:26,040
Her husband in his shorts,

485
00:21:26,120 --> 00:21:29,800
crying and handling it badly,
in front of all of his kids, crying too.

486
00:21:30,320 --> 00:21:32,440
My brother dropped his pants
for no reason.

487
00:21:32,520 --> 00:21:33,960
[audience laughs]

488
00:21:34,040 --> 00:21:35,840
In every family, there's an oddball.

489
00:21:36,360 --> 00:21:38,960
He drops his pants when no one's watching.

490
00:21:39,040 --> 00:21:40,320
"Mom!"

491
00:21:41,360 --> 00:21:42,680
"Mom, look!"

492
00:21:44,120 --> 00:21:46,200
That was my bro-- That was me.

493
00:21:46,280 --> 00:21:47,600
[audience laughs]

494
00:21:47,680 --> 00:21:49,640
I quickly found my calling, okay?

495
00:21:50,960 --> 00:21:55,040
My parents had a big fight on that day.
I understood something about couples.

496
00:21:55,120 --> 00:21:59,320
In the long run, we often match
with our opposite, character-wise.

497
00:21:59,400 --> 00:22:00,560
I don't know why.

498
00:22:01,760 --> 00:22:04,320
That's my parents.
My father hides his feelings.

499
00:22:04,400 --> 00:22:05,840
He suppresses it. He buries it.

500
00:22:06,360 --> 00:22:09,480
When my mother has a feeling, "Take it."

501
00:22:10,320 --> 00:22:12,120
"Do with my soul as you wish."

502
00:22:12,640 --> 00:22:16,720
"Sir, before you go, pull on this thread.
It's the thread of my life."

503
00:22:17,680 --> 00:22:18,880
She's in a musical.

504
00:22:20,600 --> 00:22:23,680
She shows everything, always.
Too soon. To everyone.

505
00:22:25,440 --> 00:22:29,440
It's uncomfortable. Same as
when you meet a naturist unexpectedly.

506
00:22:30,480 --> 00:22:31,720
You know the vibe?

507
00:22:31,800 --> 00:22:33,800
You get on the beach, like…

508
00:22:33,880 --> 00:22:35,040
"Ooh."

509
00:22:36,160 --> 00:22:37,200
The beach is empty.

510
00:22:37,280 --> 00:22:38,840
He stays 1.5 meters away from you.

511
00:22:38,920 --> 00:22:40,880
He introduces himself.
"Hello. Jean-Claude."

512
00:22:40,960 --> 00:22:41,800
Yes!

513
00:22:42,840 --> 00:22:47,080
"I already saw your dick,
so your name doesn't really matter."

514
00:22:47,800 --> 00:22:51,080
"You should learn to prioritize
your details. It's important."

515
00:22:53,360 --> 00:22:54,200
It's the same.

516
00:22:54,800 --> 00:22:58,120
It's the same with feelings.
It's too much all at once.

517
00:22:59,600 --> 00:23:00,920
We were on tour recently,

518
00:23:01,000 --> 00:23:04,120
and we were having dinner
with the venue managers.

519
00:23:04,200 --> 00:23:06,600
A gentleman arrived late for dinner,

520
00:23:06,680 --> 00:23:08,800
and he was so full
of information and emotions.

521
00:23:08,880 --> 00:23:11,960
I felt uncomfortable. He came in,
"Hello, nice to meet you. Guy."

522
00:23:12,040 --> 00:23:13,200
"Sorry, I'm a bit late."

523
00:23:13,280 --> 00:23:16,560
"I was signing divorce papers
with my wife." [chuckles]

524
00:23:16,640 --> 00:23:19,280
"Ex-wife, actually.
Hey, guys, I play the clarinet!"

525
00:23:20,840 --> 00:23:24,680
Throughout dinner, we were like,
"Put panties over your emotions, Guy."

526
00:23:24,760 --> 00:23:25,880
[audience laughs]

527
00:23:25,960 --> 00:23:27,960
"We can see your emotions' balls."

528
00:23:29,080 --> 00:23:30,040
"It's too soon."

529
00:23:31,120 --> 00:23:33,680
My mom shared
what she had inside of her early on.

530
00:23:33,760 --> 00:23:38,280
Uh, she triggered an existential crisis
when I was very young, in middle school.

531
00:23:38,800 --> 00:23:42,080
And we were in the car,
the two of us, on the way to music school.

532
00:23:42,600 --> 00:23:44,480
I was going to sit at the back. Normal.

533
00:23:45,000 --> 00:23:47,960
She blocks the car door.
She goes, "You know what?"

534
00:23:48,520 --> 00:23:49,560
"Sit at the front."

535
00:23:50,440 --> 00:23:51,560
First time in my life!

536
00:23:51,640 --> 00:23:53,840
Do you remember
what a big step up that was?

537
00:23:54,560 --> 00:23:55,400
I said,

538
00:23:56,600 --> 00:23:58,000
[whispering] "You sure?"

539
00:23:58,080 --> 00:23:58,960
She said,

540
00:23:59,760 --> 00:24:01,080
[whispering] "Yes, I'm sure."

541
00:24:02,720 --> 00:24:04,120
"Then why are we whispering?"

542
00:24:05,160 --> 00:24:07,320
I get in. I was freaking out.

543
00:24:07,840 --> 00:24:11,480
I was like, "We're in the place!"
I was so happy.

544
00:24:12,000 --> 00:24:14,480
Right away, I thought,
"Now you're gonna pay taxes."

545
00:24:14,560 --> 00:24:15,600
[audience laughs]

546
00:24:15,680 --> 00:24:17,240
I grew up scared of taxes.

547
00:24:17,840 --> 00:24:20,520
My dad would open them up
in front of us. He'd go,

548
00:24:20,600 --> 00:24:24,000
"Enjoy it while you're kids.
One day, they're gonna come and get you."

549
00:24:24,920 --> 00:24:27,880
He'd go to bed
and leave us in this air of mystery.

550
00:24:28,400 --> 00:24:32,280
Every other evening, with my brother,
we'd be like, "Are the taxes coming?"

551
00:24:32,920 --> 00:24:35,080
"I don't know how it works.
I don't get it."

552
00:24:37,280 --> 00:24:40,000
We're in the car with my mom.
We leave. It's a bit hot.

553
00:24:40,080 --> 00:24:43,560
And so I'm happy
'cause I'm going to open the front window.

554
00:24:44,280 --> 00:24:46,200
At the back, the window is for losers.

555
00:24:47,000 --> 00:24:49,560
At the back, it's "Nam, nam, nam."

556
00:24:49,640 --> 00:24:50,680
[chuckles]

557
00:24:50,760 --> 00:24:53,720
"I don't have money
for an automated system."

558
00:24:54,440 --> 00:24:56,680
"I'm using elbow grease."

559
00:24:56,760 --> 00:24:57,600
Poor people.

560
00:24:58,200 --> 00:24:59,920
Remember when you discovered that…

561
00:25:00,000 --> 00:25:01,920
[imitates car window sound]

562
00:25:02,440 --> 00:25:03,720
[imitates car window sound]

563
00:25:03,800 --> 00:25:06,040
You became so haughty
with others all of a sudden.

564
00:25:06,560 --> 00:25:07,560
Teasing those at the back.

565
00:25:07,640 --> 00:25:09,960
"Let me know if it's windy.
I'll close it."

566
00:25:10,560 --> 00:25:12,480
[imitates car window sound]

567
00:25:12,560 --> 00:25:13,800
[chuckles]

568
00:25:13,880 --> 00:25:15,080
[imitates car window sound]

569
00:25:15,560 --> 00:25:17,240
I suck at miming. I'm sorry.

570
00:25:17,880 --> 00:25:19,400
[imitates car window sound]

571
00:25:19,480 --> 00:25:20,640
[chuckles]

572
00:25:20,720 --> 00:25:23,520
It's like I'm sticking my finger
in a cow's eye.

573
00:25:24,200 --> 00:25:25,240
[chuckling]

574
00:25:25,320 --> 00:25:26,680
[imitates car window sound]

575
00:25:27,400 --> 00:25:30,640
We don't know if she's enjoying it.
It's unclear.

576
00:25:30,720 --> 00:25:32,080
"No, stop it!"

577
00:25:32,160 --> 00:25:34,840
Or, "Whoa!" [whimpering]

578
00:25:34,920 --> 00:25:36,600
[laughing]

579
00:25:37,400 --> 00:25:41,240
"More! The other one too! Yeah!"

580
00:25:42,440 --> 00:25:43,480
[chuckles]

581
00:25:46,640 --> 00:25:49,040
I can go on for another five minutes,
but I can tell

582
00:25:49,560 --> 00:25:51,560
that more would be self-indulgent.

583
00:25:52,600 --> 00:25:54,480
I wanted your opinion. It's important.

584
00:25:55,000 --> 00:25:56,480
[laughing]

585
00:25:57,680 --> 00:25:58,720
[whimpering]

586
00:25:58,800 --> 00:26:00,600
There's no more… No!

587
00:26:00,680 --> 00:26:01,520
It's…

588
00:26:01,600 --> 00:26:04,680
[applause]

589
00:26:07,320 --> 00:26:10,480
Don't know how to feel
about clapping more for noises than jokes,

590
00:26:10,560 --> 00:26:12,960
but I'm with you. We're thinking the same.

591
00:26:14,200 --> 00:26:17,040
For real, put your finger in a cow's eye--
Sorry.

592
00:26:17,560 --> 00:26:19,680
I'll stop. I'm sure she won't react.

593
00:26:20,680 --> 00:26:22,880
I could take a bet with whoever.
I'm sure of it.

594
00:26:22,960 --> 00:26:23,920
Try in a field.

595
00:26:24,680 --> 00:26:25,600
She'll be like…

596
00:26:26,240 --> 00:26:28,640
[audience laughs]

597
00:26:32,040 --> 00:26:34,360
"Damn, I can't see on the right. What…"

598
00:26:34,440 --> 00:26:35,680
[laughing]

599
00:26:35,760 --> 00:26:36,600
"Damn!"

600
00:26:40,600 --> 00:26:44,160
"I could swear there was a tree!
I can't see it, it's weird!" [chuckles]

601
00:26:44,240 --> 00:26:45,120
"Whoa!"

602
00:26:46,160 --> 00:26:49,000
"It came back! All is well!" [laughs]

603
00:26:50,200 --> 00:26:52,400
Okay, let's focus. You're distracted.

604
00:26:54,160 --> 00:26:55,440
I lower the window.

605
00:26:55,520 --> 00:26:57,120
I'm in the car with my mom.

606
00:26:58,120 --> 00:26:59,240
I lower the window.

607
00:26:59,880 --> 00:27:02,760
I can feel the warm summer wind
on my head.

608
00:27:03,560 --> 00:27:05,320
I have an idea. Something silly.

609
00:27:05,400 --> 00:27:08,160
You'll catch the reference.
The opening of American movies.

610
00:27:08,240 --> 00:27:11,600
Deserted road. Two studs in a Cadillac.
Leather jackets, Ray-Bans.

611
00:27:12,120 --> 00:27:13,840
They have rock music playing loudly.

612
00:27:13,920 --> 00:27:16,880
They lower the windows,
their arms out like, "Whoo!"

613
00:27:16,960 --> 00:27:18,960
"Freedom!"

614
00:27:19,040 --> 00:27:20,520
I want to do that so bad.

615
00:27:21,600 --> 00:27:25,200
I lowered it by that much.
Because my mom won't allow anymore.

616
00:27:26,040 --> 00:27:27,040
So, discreetly,

617
00:27:28,240 --> 00:27:30,280
I put out three fingers like that,

618
00:27:31,120 --> 00:27:34,080
like an octopus trying to escape
from a Japanese restaurant,

619
00:27:34,600 --> 00:27:35,960
and I look my mom like…

620
00:27:36,480 --> 00:27:38,440
[timidly] Whoo!

621
00:27:38,520 --> 00:27:40,320
[in high-pitched voice] "Freedom!"

622
00:27:40,400 --> 00:27:42,080
"But not too much!"

623
00:27:42,760 --> 00:27:45,280
My mom lowers the window on her side,
I get sucked out.

624
00:27:45,360 --> 00:27:47,080
I think she wants me to jump.

625
00:27:47,800 --> 00:27:50,360
My arm is completely outside.

626
00:27:51,920 --> 00:27:55,040
And I have an idea!
I tell myself, "I'll do it."

627
00:27:56,000 --> 00:27:58,680
I don't give a--
I put my hand over the roof.

628
00:27:59,520 --> 00:28:02,960
And I told myself,
"Whoa. Take it easy, man."

629
00:28:03,800 --> 00:28:05,760
"Taxes are gonna fuck you up, careful."

630
00:28:08,320 --> 00:28:09,800
My mom plays some music.

631
00:28:11,040 --> 00:28:13,240
She plays "Hey Jude" by The Beatles.

632
00:28:14,040 --> 00:28:17,880
One of the best songs ever.
One of my favorite moments in my life.

633
00:28:18,440 --> 00:28:21,040
I'm becoming an adult.
The start of summer, possibilities.

634
00:28:21,120 --> 00:28:23,320
With my mom.
Looking in the same direction.

635
00:28:24,720 --> 00:28:26,040
We're enjoying ourselves.

636
00:28:26,560 --> 00:28:27,840
Nice weather, it's all good.

637
00:28:27,920 --> 00:28:30,880
She lowers the volume,
and she goes, "You know what?

638
00:28:32,680 --> 00:28:34,880
"I'd like you to bury me to that song."

639
00:28:34,960 --> 00:28:38,000
[audience laughs]

640
00:28:42,240 --> 00:28:44,200
I had a small existential crisis.

641
00:28:44,960 --> 00:28:47,320
"I don't like to be
at the front, actually."

642
00:28:48,040 --> 00:28:50,000
"The lady talks to me. I don't like it."

643
00:28:50,680 --> 00:28:53,040
She sees I'm struggling.
She lowers the volume again.

644
00:28:53,120 --> 00:28:55,640
"Hey, calm down."

645
00:28:55,720 --> 00:28:56,720
"Everything's okay."

646
00:28:57,960 --> 00:28:59,000
"Everything's okay."

647
00:29:00,560 --> 00:29:03,200
"It's not just Mom who's going to die.
We all die."

648
00:29:03,720 --> 00:29:06,160
My mom always goes one sentence too many.

649
00:29:06,680 --> 00:29:09,000
She's on the verge of a cliff,
she should stop.

650
00:29:09,080 --> 00:29:11,120
She doesn't realize
everyone's uncomfortable,

651
00:29:11,200 --> 00:29:13,320
because she's lost all social sensors.

652
00:29:13,400 --> 00:29:16,600
So she digs herself deeper in shit
with new sentences.

653
00:29:17,320 --> 00:29:19,760
She says this to me.
I can tell she feels better.

654
00:29:20,520 --> 00:29:23,400
It's then I understood
why my mom never has mental issues.

655
00:29:23,920 --> 00:29:25,280
She puts them in our heads.

656
00:29:26,240 --> 00:29:28,880
Which is very smart.
That's what kids are for.

657
00:29:29,400 --> 00:29:32,080
Life is a relay race
from generation to another.

658
00:29:32,160 --> 00:29:35,240
It gets tiring after a while.
"There, kid, that's for you!"

659
00:29:35,320 --> 00:29:36,800
-"What's that?"
-"Trauma!"

660
00:29:36,880 --> 00:29:38,880
[audience laughs]

661
00:29:39,360 --> 00:29:40,440
I think that's it.

662
00:29:41,840 --> 00:29:44,400
I have this reoccurring image
in nightmares still.

663
00:29:44,480 --> 00:29:47,800
My mom throwing me out on the sidewalk,
driving away, with The Beatles on.

664
00:29:47,880 --> 00:29:50,120
Me thinking, "We're all going to die."

665
00:29:51,280 --> 00:29:54,920
My accordion teacher coming to pick me up.
Class is about to start.

666
00:29:57,600 --> 00:29:58,960
I did six years of accordion.

667
00:30:00,200 --> 00:30:03,440
Yes, this is the expected response.
You're looking at me pointedly like,

668
00:30:03,520 --> 00:30:05,200
"Sounds like a great childhood!"

669
00:30:05,720 --> 00:30:07,560
I wanted to play the guitar at first.

670
00:30:08,120 --> 00:30:09,200
[fake laughter]

671
00:30:10,120 --> 00:30:12,200
Like all young men, in order to have sex.

672
00:30:12,920 --> 00:30:14,240
That's what guitar is for.

673
00:30:15,000 --> 00:30:16,400
Guitar is a subtext.

674
00:30:17,160 --> 00:30:18,080
It tells a story.

675
00:30:18,160 --> 00:30:20,720
The guitar is a phallic object

676
00:30:21,680 --> 00:30:24,640
which you play on the beach,
looking someone in the eyes.

677
00:30:24,720 --> 00:30:25,720
It tells a story.

678
00:30:27,120 --> 00:30:27,960
While this…

679
00:30:31,000 --> 00:30:32,840
It isn't the same subtext, believe me.

680
00:30:33,360 --> 00:30:35,520
This is,
"I can make all kinds of rillettes."

681
00:30:37,520 --> 00:30:38,600
Not the same vibe.

682
00:30:40,280 --> 00:30:42,760
Six years of accordion
to make my dad happy.

683
00:30:42,840 --> 00:30:45,920
When we were kids,
my dad didn't like us doing kids stuff.

684
00:30:46,000 --> 00:30:48,480
Like, us being happy wasn't his priority.

685
00:30:49,320 --> 00:30:50,520
He wanted us to be, but later.

686
00:30:50,600 --> 00:30:52,080
He wanted us, as children,

687
00:30:52,160 --> 00:30:55,000
to work on the future happiness
of the adults we'd become.

688
00:30:55,520 --> 00:30:56,400
Wow.

689
00:30:57,160 --> 00:30:59,320
I thought,
"I'm going to show him I'm an adult."

690
00:30:59,400 --> 00:31:01,480
"Let's pick a grown-up instrument."

691
00:31:02,200 --> 00:31:03,200
L'acordeonisto.

692
00:31:04,400 --> 00:31:06,000
That's what the pros call it.

693
00:31:06,680 --> 00:31:09,200
Stupid. Have you ever seen
one adult play the accordion?

694
00:31:09,880 --> 00:31:11,320
Who isn't homeless?

695
00:31:12,880 --> 00:31:14,880
As a child, I spent hundreds of hours

696
00:31:14,960 --> 00:31:18,280
with 9.5 kilos of brushed metal
crushing my thighs,

697
00:31:18,360 --> 00:31:20,120
playing post-war music.

698
00:31:20,720 --> 00:31:24,160
The accordion, like, the war just ended.
They sent you there.

699
00:31:24,240 --> 00:31:25,080
The songs are…

700
00:31:25,160 --> 00:31:28,880
♪ The stumps of the Avignon fighters ♪

701
00:31:28,960 --> 00:31:31,280
♪ Who came back from the front ♪

702
00:31:31,360 --> 00:31:33,160
Everything about it is horrible.

703
00:31:33,680 --> 00:31:36,520
It's a bottomless well
of melancholy until death.

704
00:31:37,480 --> 00:31:39,840
The worst bit was
getting out of school with friends,

705
00:31:39,920 --> 00:31:41,360
going to music school together,

706
00:31:41,440 --> 00:31:43,400
because we were all white.

707
00:31:43,480 --> 00:31:45,800
And they'd go to the guitar room

708
00:31:45,880 --> 00:31:48,600
all cocky like, "Gonna smooch girls!"

709
00:31:48,680 --> 00:31:50,080
I'm like, "See you later!"

710
00:31:50,160 --> 00:31:52,160
I'd go on all alone, sad,
alongside the hall,

711
00:31:52,240 --> 00:31:55,560
all the way down to the accordion room,
with a vibe like…

712
00:31:58,320 --> 00:31:59,840
"Watch out for the Germans."

713
00:31:59,920 --> 00:32:01,200
[audience laughs]

714
00:32:01,280 --> 00:32:03,480
"Learn to protect Strasbourg, kiddo."

715
00:32:04,240 --> 00:32:05,080
It was tough.

716
00:32:06,760 --> 00:32:09,400
I stopped the accordion at a key moment.

717
00:32:09,480 --> 00:32:11,200
It's another moment which is…

718
00:32:12,800 --> 00:32:16,320
It's a bit tough, but I was
very much in love with a girl.

719
00:32:16,960 --> 00:32:21,600
In middle school. There was a big party.
I was very much in love with this girl.

720
00:32:22,120 --> 00:32:23,040
Ninon.

721
00:32:23,120 --> 00:32:25,280
My best friend Thomas was at the party.

722
00:32:25,360 --> 00:32:27,000
He knew that I loved Ninon.

723
00:32:27,520 --> 00:32:30,000
I had told him.
Because he was my confidant.

724
00:32:30,720 --> 00:32:34,080
Can you tell where this is going?
Let's go there together.

725
00:32:34,880 --> 00:32:37,240
At this party,
Thomas cleverly brings a guitar.

726
00:32:37,320 --> 00:32:39,480
Out of nowhere! Out of nowhere!

727
00:32:39,560 --> 00:32:40,520
[audience laughs]

728
00:32:40,600 --> 00:32:43,320
He stands in a corner,
and he plays a few shitty tunes.

729
00:32:43,400 --> 00:32:46,240
Ninon goes over to him.
That whore puts a hand on his back!

730
00:32:46,320 --> 00:32:48,200
Sorry! I apologize.

731
00:32:48,280 --> 00:32:51,200
I said sorry before you reacted.
It doesn't count.

732
00:32:51,280 --> 00:32:52,760
[audience laughs]

733
00:32:52,840 --> 00:32:53,680
She told him,

734
00:32:54,480 --> 00:32:56,920
"You're so cool, Thomas.
You play the guitar."

735
00:32:57,000 --> 00:32:58,920
At this party, she jerked him off.

736
00:32:59,000 --> 00:33:01,240
[audience gasps and laughs]

737
00:33:09,720 --> 00:33:11,680
This is France, ladies and gentlemen.

738
00:33:12,240 --> 00:33:14,240
You jerk off someone for an F-flat.

739
00:33:14,320 --> 00:33:15,920
[audience laughs]

740
00:33:16,000 --> 00:33:18,600
[applause]

741
00:33:22,120 --> 00:33:25,560
You realize I had told him
I loved her? He still…

742
00:33:26,520 --> 00:33:28,800
Looks like that's okay for you.
Are you crazy?

743
00:33:28,880 --> 00:33:30,200
Whose side are you on?

744
00:33:30,760 --> 00:33:32,000
I told him. He knew it!

745
00:33:32,080 --> 00:33:34,160
He betrayed me. It's a Greek betrayal.

746
00:33:34,240 --> 00:33:37,520
It's a stab in the back in the third act.
Same gesture. Disgusting.

747
00:33:38,360 --> 00:33:41,280
It breaks a child's heart.
It stays with you. That's what I mean.

748
00:33:43,240 --> 00:33:44,160
I was so angry.

749
00:33:45,120 --> 00:33:47,040
First time I felt like killing someone.

750
00:33:47,120 --> 00:33:49,320
I wanted to strangle Thomas
with my own hands.

751
00:33:49,400 --> 00:33:52,240
I could have. I had strong arms.
Carrying 9.5 kilos every week.

752
00:33:52,320 --> 00:33:53,800
[audience laughs]

753
00:33:55,480 --> 00:33:56,560
It was so unfair.

754
00:33:57,120 --> 00:34:00,920
I thought, "I can't bring
my accordion to this party."

755
00:34:01,880 --> 00:34:04,240
A party on the sixth floor, no elevator.

756
00:34:05,640 --> 00:34:08,800
It's a first floor instrument.
Or subways. Trenches.

757
00:34:08,880 --> 00:34:11,240
Everything close to hell, gravity-wise.

758
00:34:12,400 --> 00:34:14,360
It's the devil's instrument,

759
00:34:14,440 --> 00:34:16,040
as the pros like to say.

760
00:34:18,200 --> 00:34:20,720
Even if I had managed to bring it up,

761
00:34:20,800 --> 00:34:22,920
you can't play the accordion
at a school party.

762
00:34:24,200 --> 00:34:27,920
You're having doubts, but think
about any middle school party.

763
00:34:28,800 --> 00:34:29,800
Try to visualize…

764
00:34:30,360 --> 00:34:32,680
-[audience laughs]
-[chuckling]

765
00:34:32,760 --> 00:34:35,480
…that kid who doesn't have
many friends, who blinks a lot.

766
00:34:36,000 --> 00:34:37,800
Eating crackers all night long.

767
00:34:38,520 --> 00:34:41,120
He's getting hyped.
He grabs the karaoke mic.

768
00:34:41,200 --> 00:34:42,560
[tapping echoes]

769
00:34:43,360 --> 00:34:46,240
"Come on, come stand around me,
don't be afraid!"

770
00:34:46,320 --> 00:34:47,640
[chuckling]

771
00:34:47,720 --> 00:34:49,200
"Ninon, this is for you!"

772
00:34:49,800 --> 00:34:51,920
He opens the trunk. There's a trunk!

773
00:34:52,720 --> 00:34:54,440
This huge thing no kid has ever seen.

774
00:34:54,520 --> 00:34:55,920
It's like a Fiat 500 for them.

775
00:34:56,000 --> 00:34:58,600
He puts on suspenders.
The word "suspenders"!

776
00:34:59,400 --> 00:35:01,960
With a small latch at the back
to connect the suspenders.

777
00:35:02,040 --> 00:35:06,040
Or the accordion could fall on your legs
and you become disabled for life.

778
00:35:06,120 --> 00:35:07,120
Oops, kiddo!

779
00:35:08,080 --> 00:35:10,160
I swear. My first accordion lesson,

780
00:35:10,240 --> 00:35:12,560
the teacher said,
"Always remember the latch."

781
00:35:12,640 --> 00:35:14,400
-"Or else, see Jean-Louis?"
-"Hi!"

782
00:35:14,480 --> 00:35:15,320
"Well…"

783
00:35:16,440 --> 00:35:18,680
The kid has scoliosis,

784
00:35:18,760 --> 00:35:20,280
and he goes, "Ninon!"

785
00:35:21,440 --> 00:35:24,000
[breathing heavily]

786
00:35:32,440 --> 00:35:35,640
♪ The stumps of the Avignon ♪

787
00:35:35,720 --> 00:35:36,800
It's over for him.

788
00:35:36,880 --> 00:35:38,800
[applause]

789
00:35:38,880 --> 00:35:39,720
Over!

790
00:35:46,560 --> 00:35:48,920
No palm will touch his genitals tonight.

791
00:35:50,040 --> 00:35:53,920
No one on Earth ever said,
"I'd love to bang the accordionist."

792
00:35:55,000 --> 00:35:55,840
Never.

793
00:35:58,000 --> 00:36:00,560
I stopped.
I started doing things I enjoyed.

794
00:36:00,640 --> 00:36:01,920
When I could go to Paris,

795
00:36:02,000 --> 00:36:04,720
I'd often wait outside comedy clubs
after the shows

796
00:36:04,800 --> 00:36:06,120
to talk to the comedians.

797
00:36:06,200 --> 00:36:07,440
Because I love humor.

798
00:36:09,880 --> 00:36:12,280
Such a stupid sentence.
Sorry, I take it back. [laughs]

799
00:36:12,360 --> 00:36:13,520
I heard myself, like…

800
00:36:14,040 --> 00:36:17,640
"I love humor, yeah.
And breathing! I love both these things."

801
00:36:18,240 --> 00:36:21,120
"They're a requisite.
Yeah, I know smart words too."

802
00:36:21,640 --> 00:36:23,000
I wanted to know how it works.

803
00:36:23,080 --> 00:36:26,640
One comedian introduced me
to a casting director.

804
00:36:26,720 --> 00:36:29,840
I messed up many auditions,
and I pulled one off at 16.5 years old.

805
00:36:29,920 --> 00:36:31,240
It's for the Petit Journal.

806
00:36:31,760 --> 00:36:35,040
I get my foot in TV at 17 years old.
Which is really too young for TV.

807
00:36:35,560 --> 00:36:37,600
The first evening,
there's a cocktail party

808
00:36:37,680 --> 00:36:40,120
with the crew, celebrities, famous people.

809
00:36:40,680 --> 00:36:41,800
In my head, I thought,

810
00:36:41,880 --> 00:36:45,280
"I need to go home right away
so that I can talk to my parents."

811
00:36:45,800 --> 00:36:48,000
I used a taxi. Because I had money.

812
00:36:48,840 --> 00:36:49,680
Because TV.

813
00:36:50,200 --> 00:36:51,040
Because Jews.

814
00:36:51,560 --> 00:36:55,400
And, no, I'm joking!
The show went in a different direction!

815
00:36:55,480 --> 00:36:57,520
"There are so many of them
in this industry!"

816
00:36:57,600 --> 00:36:58,720
I'm joking.

817
00:36:59,560 --> 00:37:01,080
I get home in the taxi,

818
00:37:01,160 --> 00:37:03,160
I remember I slammed the car door.

819
00:37:04,520 --> 00:37:07,320
I take my time
and I watch the taxi turn left.

820
00:37:07,400 --> 00:37:08,920
I didn't want any witnesses.

821
00:37:10,240 --> 00:37:12,360
I turn around, the house looks huge.

822
00:37:12,440 --> 00:37:15,320
There's the gravel path
in front of the house.

823
00:37:15,400 --> 00:37:18,080
I still remember the noise of it.
Heavier than usual.

824
00:37:18,160 --> 00:37:20,120
Everything was oppressive. So weird.

825
00:37:20,200 --> 00:37:23,040
I ring the bell.
I'm stressed, I'm not sure why.

826
00:37:23,960 --> 00:37:25,160
My mom is in her bathrobe.

827
00:37:25,240 --> 00:37:27,840
She hugs me so hard.
It had never happened to me.

828
00:37:27,920 --> 00:37:29,080
So hard!

829
00:37:29,160 --> 00:37:33,080
She whispers in my ear, like a secret,
"I'm so proud of you, my son."

830
00:37:33,720 --> 00:37:34,640
I stepped back.

831
00:37:35,880 --> 00:37:36,720
And I said,

832
00:37:38,200 --> 00:37:39,040
"Very well."

833
00:37:39,880 --> 00:37:43,200
Apparently I had joined aristocracy.
"Very well, mother."

834
00:37:43,800 --> 00:37:45,560
"You can go back to the stables now."

835
00:37:46,480 --> 00:37:48,440
It wasn't like me!
I ran to the family room.

836
00:37:48,520 --> 00:37:51,520
My dad was sitting
in front of the TV which was off.

837
00:37:52,040 --> 00:37:53,240
In his boxer shorts.

838
00:37:54,040 --> 00:37:55,480
He said, "Sit down."

839
00:37:55,560 --> 00:37:58,320
I sit down. I'm like,
"This is a student-teach conference."

840
00:37:59,120 --> 00:38:00,400
He said, "I…"

841
00:38:03,160 --> 00:38:04,960
"I watched the Journal Petit."

842
00:38:08,480 --> 00:38:09,560
"And I…"

843
00:38:12,680 --> 00:38:13,960
"I think that…"

844
00:38:16,880 --> 00:38:19,800
"You stare into space too much.
You look like an idiot. Too bad."

845
00:38:20,680 --> 00:38:22,360
He said this. There was a silence.

846
00:38:22,440 --> 00:38:24,560
He slapped his hand on his thigh.

847
00:38:25,200 --> 00:38:26,680
He got up heavily.

848
00:38:27,520 --> 00:38:29,280
He said, "Right, goodnight, everyone."

849
00:38:30,000 --> 00:38:30,840
I was alone.

850
00:38:32,080 --> 00:38:33,520
But he used that tone

851
00:38:33,600 --> 00:38:36,280
which all men who plan
to murder their family use.

852
00:38:36,800 --> 00:38:38,400
"Good night, everyone."

853
00:38:38,480 --> 00:38:39,920
"Sleep very peacefully."

854
00:38:40,640 --> 00:38:44,040
And he went to sleep
in his shitty little weasel burrow.

855
00:38:44,560 --> 00:38:47,160
I thought,
"I'll kill you one day, you know!"

856
00:38:48,240 --> 00:38:50,880
I was expecting
"I love you" or "I'm proud"

857
00:38:50,960 --> 00:38:54,440
because I know he's never ticked that box.

858
00:38:54,520 --> 00:38:57,240
I can't fault him for not doing
a thing he never experienced.

859
00:38:57,760 --> 00:39:00,240
I know my dad loves us with all his heart.

860
00:39:00,320 --> 00:39:03,160
He could kill for us.
He's already done it twice.

861
00:39:03,920 --> 00:39:05,800
But there's this kind of wall

862
00:39:05,880 --> 00:39:09,480
between him and the world
as soon as feelings are concerned.

863
00:39:09,560 --> 00:39:12,640
It terrifies me.
I'm so scared of it happening to me.

864
00:39:13,160 --> 00:39:16,240
When I'm with a girl I love,
and I want to kiss her.

865
00:39:16,840 --> 00:39:19,480
Because otherwise as a parent,
it echoes through your kids.

866
00:39:19,560 --> 00:39:22,440
It leads to a line of kids
uncomfortable with feelings.

867
00:39:22,520 --> 00:39:23,360
"Hello."

868
00:39:24,560 --> 00:39:26,560
It leads to very silent family dinners.

869
00:39:27,080 --> 00:39:30,400
We love one another but we don't say it.
Hearts racing.

870
00:39:30,480 --> 00:39:33,280
Screaming inside.
The kid like, "I know you love me!"

871
00:39:33,360 --> 00:39:34,880
"But I'd like to hear it once

872
00:39:34,960 --> 00:39:37,640
because it'd give me confidence
for 25 years!"

873
00:39:38,280 --> 00:39:41,640
The dad like,
"Fuck, I love you, son. I could eat you."

874
00:39:41,720 --> 00:39:44,000
"I'll eat you! Yum!
Nothing but bones left!"

875
00:39:44,080 --> 00:39:45,120
"I'll gobble you up!"

876
00:39:45,640 --> 00:39:49,560
"I can't tell you. Love is a feeling.
Feelings are for those with vulvae."

877
00:39:49,640 --> 00:39:51,040
[audience laughs]

878
00:39:51,120 --> 00:39:55,240
The mom like, "Don't worry,
I have enough vulvae to love everyone!"

879
00:39:55,320 --> 00:39:56,600
[audience laughs]

880
00:39:56,680 --> 00:39:58,760
"And I found a rental with a pond!"

881
00:39:58,840 --> 00:39:59,920
[audience laughs]

882
00:40:00,000 --> 00:40:00,840
"Finally!"

883
00:40:01,680 --> 00:40:02,520
Such a shame.

884
00:40:02,600 --> 00:40:03,440
[applause]

885
00:40:03,520 --> 00:40:06,240
We all do stupid things. Me included.

886
00:40:07,120 --> 00:40:10,080
We start hiding our love
in small sentences,

887
00:40:10,160 --> 00:40:11,480
in small everyday acts.

888
00:40:11,560 --> 00:40:14,560
We delegate the responsibility
of understanding that it was love

889
00:40:14,640 --> 00:40:16,280
to the person we love.

890
00:40:17,400 --> 00:40:18,400
It's complicated.

891
00:40:19,000 --> 00:40:22,120
That's called a Trojan horse.
Which is a war strategy.

892
00:40:23,800 --> 00:40:24,800
Such a funny question.

893
00:40:24,880 --> 00:40:27,320
Asking myself what I hide my love in.

894
00:40:27,400 --> 00:40:30,880
A few months ago, I realized
that I hide mine in mean jokes.

895
00:40:31,640 --> 00:40:34,240
When I love someone,
I want to destroy them.

896
00:40:35,320 --> 00:40:37,760
It's unhealthy. I realized this
because my housemate,

897
00:40:37,840 --> 00:40:40,480
my best friend,
the guy I've been talking about,

898
00:40:40,560 --> 00:40:41,480
had cancer.

899
00:40:42,080 --> 00:40:45,560
When we heard, without thinking,
my buddies and I held a surprise party.

900
00:40:45,640 --> 00:40:47,680
To wish him a…

901
00:40:47,760 --> 00:40:49,680
We should have thought about it!

902
00:40:49,760 --> 00:40:52,400
"A happy cancer to you, buddy!"

903
00:40:53,320 --> 00:40:57,360
We were hidden in the flat, behind
the sofas, waiting for him to get in.

904
00:40:57,440 --> 00:40:59,360
When he put the key in the door,

905
00:40:59,960 --> 00:41:02,720
we looked at each other like,
"Maybe it wasn't a good idea,

906
00:41:03,240 --> 00:41:05,040
a surprise cancer party right now."

907
00:41:05,560 --> 00:41:06,840
Isn't it unbelievable?

908
00:41:06,920 --> 00:41:08,600
Humans have this ability

909
00:41:08,680 --> 00:41:12,000
to realize that an idea
was absolutely shitty from the start

910
00:41:12,080 --> 00:41:13,640
in the heat of the moment.

911
00:41:14,280 --> 00:41:16,920
You realize what's at stake right before.

912
00:41:17,000 --> 00:41:18,280
You're like, "Whoa."

913
00:41:18,360 --> 00:41:20,560
"Honey, is now a good time
to have a child?"

914
00:41:21,080 --> 00:41:22,080
The doctor is like,

915
00:41:22,160 --> 00:41:24,600
"Cut the umbilical cord. What's going on?"

916
00:41:25,120 --> 00:41:27,760
That's how we work.
We think after the fact.

917
00:41:27,840 --> 00:41:31,160
He had been in the flat for 10-15 seconds.
We were still…

918
00:41:31,880 --> 00:41:33,720
We're burglarizing him, actually.

919
00:41:34,480 --> 00:41:37,320
One of my buddies is really brave,
and he went,

920
00:41:38,160 --> 00:41:39,320
"Fuck, what…"

921
00:41:41,520 --> 00:41:42,800
"Hey!"

922
00:41:42,880 --> 00:41:44,400
He went, "What the…"

923
00:41:45,160 --> 00:41:47,240
We thought a heart attack is a nice gift.

924
00:41:47,320 --> 00:41:50,400
It's a neater way to go. [chuckles]

925
00:41:50,480 --> 00:41:52,960
Hey, he's better. Relax. He's cured.

926
00:41:53,040 --> 00:41:54,360
He allowed me to make jokes.

927
00:41:54,440 --> 00:41:57,880
He said, "You do all the jokes you want
about me and my cancer in your show."

928
00:41:58,400 --> 00:42:00,400
He said this right before he died.

929
00:42:00,480 --> 00:42:01,520
[kisses]

930
00:42:01,600 --> 00:42:03,880
That was the first joke he validated.

931
00:42:03,960 --> 00:42:06,840
At that party, we had a football game.
He likes it.

932
00:42:06,920 --> 00:42:08,960
He was the goalie. Because he had cancer.

933
00:42:09,480 --> 00:42:13,560
It's very hard to know how to react
when a loved one tells you this.

934
00:42:14,280 --> 00:42:16,040
I was the first he told.

935
00:42:16,120 --> 00:42:18,960
He said, "I have cancer."
I said, "Drink water!"

936
00:42:19,920 --> 00:42:22,440
I don't know why that came out,
but it did.

937
00:42:23,120 --> 00:42:24,680
He was the goalie, okay?

938
00:42:24,760 --> 00:42:26,120
He's an awful goalie.

939
00:42:27,160 --> 00:42:28,400
The ball is near him.

940
00:42:28,920 --> 00:42:31,960
It'd have been so easy to catch it,
but he's awful.

941
00:42:32,040 --> 00:42:33,440
The ball goes in.

942
00:42:33,520 --> 00:42:36,520
My friends were so angry.
But they couldn't show it.

943
00:42:37,560 --> 00:42:39,480
[whispering] Because he has cancer.

944
00:42:39,560 --> 00:42:43,400
There's nothing more enjoyable
than seeing men swallow their anger.

945
00:42:43,920 --> 00:42:46,560
They all went, "No big deal!"

946
00:42:47,880 --> 00:42:49,040
[screams]

947
00:42:49,920 --> 00:42:52,200
"Focus. Look around you. Right!"

948
00:42:53,240 --> 00:42:54,840
"Ugh!"

949
00:42:54,920 --> 00:42:56,880
"No problem. We're having fun!"

950
00:42:57,800 --> 00:43:00,880
"Are you having fun? I am!
We're having fun! What a nice evening!"

951
00:43:00,960 --> 00:43:02,160
"We only have one life."

952
00:43:02,240 --> 00:43:05,040
[audience laughs]

953
00:43:07,120 --> 00:43:08,040
I was so angry.

954
00:43:08,720 --> 00:43:11,400
That's when I realized
I make mean jokes about those I love.

955
00:43:11,480 --> 00:43:14,800
I went to see him and I said,
"Sorry. You've got cancer?"

956
00:43:15,880 --> 00:43:17,320
"You can get the ball, then."

957
00:43:17,400 --> 00:43:18,960
-[audience laughs]
-[blows kiss]

958
00:43:19,040 --> 00:43:20,880
[applause]

959
00:43:20,960 --> 00:43:22,480
[speaks Italian]

960
00:43:24,120 --> 00:43:26,480
Meaning, "Very good joke" in Italian.

961
00:43:29,320 --> 00:43:32,640
He was in stitches… [chuckles]
I never drink at the right time.

962
00:43:32,720 --> 00:43:34,960
For all comedians, there's applause, bam.

963
00:43:35,040 --> 00:43:36,520
I'd be an awful doctor.

964
00:43:37,640 --> 00:43:39,400
Like, "So you have…"

965
00:43:40,200 --> 00:43:42,200
[audience laughs]

966
00:43:48,240 --> 00:43:49,280
"…AIDS. Okay."

967
00:43:50,440 --> 00:43:52,480
That felt good. [laughs]

968
00:43:52,560 --> 00:43:53,680
He was in stitches.

969
00:43:54,280 --> 00:43:56,720
He knows. He knows where I hide my love.

970
00:43:56,800 --> 00:44:00,320
He saw the kindness in it.
Like, "Best joke of your life!"

971
00:44:00,400 --> 00:44:01,400
That offended me.

972
00:44:02,040 --> 00:44:03,640
No, I was so happy.

973
00:44:03,720 --> 00:44:05,480
I was like, "Best joke of my life!"

974
00:44:05,560 --> 00:44:06,920
I looked at all my friends,

975
00:44:07,000 --> 00:44:10,640
and I said something
that I still don't understand today,

976
00:44:10,720 --> 00:44:14,480
"You heard the hot potato
I pulled up this dimwit?"

977
00:44:15,160 --> 00:44:16,360
What does that mean?

978
00:44:17,360 --> 00:44:20,320
It came out naturally,
as if I'd grown up in a village.

979
00:44:21,160 --> 00:44:23,600
My friends did the opposite of The Voice.

980
00:44:23,680 --> 00:44:25,560
They all looked away.

981
00:44:27,040 --> 00:44:28,880
They were all so uncomfortable.

982
00:44:29,840 --> 00:44:33,000
I was too, actually
because what's when I realized

983
00:44:34,120 --> 00:44:36,840
that I didn't make that joke
to make him laugh,

984
00:44:36,920 --> 00:44:38,160
but to make me laugh.

985
00:44:38,680 --> 00:44:39,760
Because I was sad.

986
00:44:40,520 --> 00:44:41,760
My friend is unwell,

987
00:44:42,560 --> 00:44:46,040
and when I felt that I was about to cry,
I'd make jokes about people.

988
00:44:46,120 --> 00:44:48,120
It made me feel better
to see them struggle.

989
00:44:49,320 --> 00:44:51,560
I thought, "You need to see a shrink."

990
00:44:52,440 --> 00:44:53,520
I went to see one.

991
00:44:54,480 --> 00:44:56,840
I told her about that party. She said…

992
00:45:00,960 --> 00:45:01,800
"So actually,

993
00:45:03,160 --> 00:45:04,640
when you feel vulnerable,

994
00:45:05,680 --> 00:45:07,720
instead of showing
your true colors to others,

995
00:45:07,800 --> 00:45:10,360
because you're scared
of them rejecting you,

996
00:45:11,160 --> 00:45:13,920
you'd rather make them
more vulnerable than you are."

997
00:45:15,440 --> 00:45:16,880
-"I'm an asshole."
-"No."

998
00:45:16,960 --> 00:45:18,000
[audience laughs]

999
00:45:18,080 --> 00:45:19,120
"Not quite."

1000
00:45:20,000 --> 00:45:21,800
"That isn't the medical term."

1001
00:45:21,880 --> 00:45:22,880
[audience laughs]

1002
00:45:22,960 --> 00:45:24,800
"Actually, it's as though…"

1003
00:45:24,880 --> 00:45:27,920
-"I'm an asshole."
-"Yes!"

1004
00:45:30,680 --> 00:45:32,440
"So that'll be 72 euros."

1005
00:45:33,520 --> 00:45:36,520
That lady is unbelievable.
She blows my mind.

1006
00:45:37,240 --> 00:45:40,360
You think she treads cautiously,
but then she doesn't.

1007
00:45:40,960 --> 00:45:43,640
I sent my housemate to her
because of his midlife crisis.

1008
00:45:43,720 --> 00:45:45,280
He couldn't talk about it.

1009
00:45:45,360 --> 00:45:47,240
He saw her so many times.

1010
00:45:47,320 --> 00:45:49,960
Then she said something so crazy,
he came home and told me,

1011
00:45:50,040 --> 00:45:51,200
it blew our minds.

1012
00:45:51,960 --> 00:45:52,880
She told him,

1013
00:45:52,960 --> 00:45:55,760
"This will be our first work session."

1014
00:45:56,520 --> 00:45:58,480
"I finally have your diagnostic."

1015
00:45:59,200 --> 00:46:00,120
"So, you…

1016
00:46:01,280 --> 00:46:02,960
you're having a midlife crisis."

1017
00:46:03,640 --> 00:46:04,600
He said, "Yeah."

1018
00:46:06,400 --> 00:46:08,760
"That's why I came here, because…"

1019
00:46:09,600 --> 00:46:10,720
"There were clues."

1020
00:46:11,400 --> 00:46:12,440
"I'm 40."

1021
00:46:13,480 --> 00:46:15,200
"I'm going through a crisis."

1022
00:46:15,720 --> 00:46:18,400
"It doesn't look like it,
but put two and two together,

1023
00:46:18,480 --> 00:46:19,960
and I'll keep my 72 euros."

1024
00:46:20,480 --> 00:46:21,520
She said, "No."

1025
00:46:22,600 --> 00:46:23,440
[clicks tongue]

1026
00:46:24,080 --> 00:46:25,680
"You're not keeping anything."

1027
00:46:28,440 --> 00:46:30,880
"A midlife crisis doesn't mean anything."

1028
00:46:33,760 --> 00:46:37,560
"Let's say that at birth,
we all had a small shell on our back."

1029
00:46:38,800 --> 00:46:39,720
"Like a snail."

1030
00:46:40,840 --> 00:46:41,680
"Follow me."

1031
00:46:42,640 --> 00:46:44,960
"We go through life." Toot-toot-toot.

1032
00:46:45,640 --> 00:46:48,960
"When we find a defining experience…"
[pops, whistles]

1033
00:46:49,800 --> 00:46:50,800
"…in the shell!"

1034
00:46:51,800 --> 00:46:54,160
"You didn't care.
You thought you knew who you were."

1035
00:46:54,680 --> 00:46:56,320
"So you rushed headfirst into life."

1036
00:46:56,840 --> 00:46:59,520
"Fifteen years old, 18, 22, 26, 30…"

1037
00:47:00,280 --> 00:47:01,840
"You think it's filling up."

1038
00:47:02,360 --> 00:47:03,920
"But I know. It's my job."

1039
00:47:04,640 --> 00:47:06,520
"Knock-knock, the shell is empty."

1040
00:47:06,600 --> 00:47:08,600
[audience laughs]

1041
00:47:11,120 --> 00:47:12,040
"So you go on."

1042
00:47:13,240 --> 00:47:14,960
"Thirty-three, 36, 40."

1043
00:47:15,040 --> 00:47:16,400
"At 40, you stop."

1044
00:47:16,480 --> 00:47:17,440
"You take stock."

1045
00:47:17,520 --> 00:47:20,280
"You want to know what you've set aside.
And you went…"

1046
00:47:22,480 --> 00:47:23,560
[gentle tapping]

1047
00:47:24,440 --> 00:47:26,440
"But there's nothing in my shell!"

1048
00:47:27,200 --> 00:47:28,880
"Shell… Shell…"

1049
00:47:31,440 --> 00:47:33,880
"What do you do
when you have lost something?"

1050
00:47:33,960 --> 00:47:35,720
"What do we all do?"

1051
00:47:35,800 --> 00:47:37,480
Swish! [imitates phone dialing]

1052
00:47:38,440 --> 00:47:39,760
"Hello, Shell Police?"

1053
00:47:40,840 --> 00:47:44,080
"I know, it's silly.
But that's a midlife crisis."

1054
00:47:44,160 --> 00:47:45,360
"It's an emergency."

1055
00:47:46,440 --> 00:47:47,760
"But there isn't any."

1056
00:47:49,440 --> 00:47:50,920
"Because it's too late."

1057
00:47:51,000 --> 00:47:53,000
[audience laughs]

1058
00:47:54,200 --> 00:47:55,520
"You're a slug."

1059
00:47:55,600 --> 00:47:57,960
[audience laughs]

1060
00:47:58,040 --> 00:48:00,240
[applause]

1061
00:48:02,360 --> 00:48:04,680
He was completely disoriented.

1062
00:48:04,760 --> 00:48:06,360
He limped back home.

1063
00:48:06,440 --> 00:48:08,240
I was happy on the sofa.

1064
00:48:08,320 --> 00:48:10,640
He jumped at me like, "You gotta live!"

1065
00:48:11,440 --> 00:48:14,160
I was like,
"That was the plan before you caught me."

1066
00:48:14,240 --> 00:48:17,240
He said,
"You have to learn to collect… because…"

1067
00:48:18,480 --> 00:48:20,920
-"Because then, knock-knock the shell."
-"Okay."

1068
00:48:21,720 --> 00:48:24,720
"I'm missing some details.
I don't know everything."

1069
00:48:24,800 --> 00:48:26,120
"Hello, Shell Police?"

1070
00:48:26,200 --> 00:48:27,360
"Okay. Whoa."

1071
00:48:28,000 --> 00:48:31,200
"Now I have all the bits.
You're scaring me, actually."

1072
00:48:32,520 --> 00:48:36,200
It was so funny.
It made me feel better to talk about it.

1073
00:48:37,160 --> 00:48:39,480
I was going through my twenties,
and I thought,

1074
00:48:40,160 --> 00:48:41,400
"When does it start?"

1075
00:48:42,400 --> 00:48:43,600
You ever thought that?

1076
00:48:43,680 --> 00:48:46,000
Like, "When do I become myself?
Officially?"

1077
00:48:46,520 --> 00:48:48,040
I always felt out of sorts,

1078
00:48:48,120 --> 00:48:51,400
not in tune with something
everyone else understood so easily.

1079
00:48:52,240 --> 00:48:53,200
It drove me crazy.

1080
00:48:53,280 --> 00:48:55,800
To see my housemate
ask himself the same questions

1081
00:48:56,320 --> 00:48:59,480
as my dad surely did at 70, relaxed me.
It made me feel better.

1082
00:49:00,000 --> 00:49:02,280
Our whole lives,
we'll almost be ourselves.

1083
00:49:02,920 --> 00:49:05,560
We'll try to manage.
It's the taking part that counts.

1084
00:49:06,160 --> 00:49:08,680
We'll be a draft until the end.
It relaxed me.

1085
00:49:09,920 --> 00:49:12,240
You, less, it looks like.
I can tell. [chuckles]

1086
00:49:12,320 --> 00:49:15,320
We were ourselves as kids.
We were never more ourselves.

1087
00:49:15,400 --> 00:49:17,080
What goes wrong as an adult?

1088
00:49:18,560 --> 00:49:20,440
I don't know. Why all these questions?

1089
00:49:20,520 --> 00:49:23,160
Do we actually become adults?
Debatable. I don't think so.

1090
00:49:23,680 --> 00:49:25,040
The adult we became

1091
00:49:25,560 --> 00:49:28,240
grew around the kid we used to be,
to protect him.

1092
00:49:28,760 --> 00:49:31,800
Eventually he suffocated him.
We all have a dead child inside.

1093
00:49:31,880 --> 00:49:32,920
[audience laughs]

1094
00:49:33,000 --> 00:49:35,040
That's my outlook on life.
To each their own!

1095
00:49:35,720 --> 00:49:36,960
Not dead, if it helps!

1096
00:49:37,040 --> 00:49:38,600
An agonizing child inside.

1097
00:49:39,120 --> 00:49:40,800
Because no matter the age,

1098
00:49:40,880 --> 00:49:41,960
20, 60, no matter,

1099
00:49:42,040 --> 00:49:44,680
you walk down the street,
you see a crosswalk and you think…

1100
00:49:44,760 --> 00:49:45,960
[gasps]

1101
00:49:46,040 --> 00:49:47,760
"I'll walk on the white strips only."

1102
00:49:48,280 --> 00:49:50,480
It's the kid going, "I'm still here!"

1103
00:49:51,320 --> 00:49:52,520
"Why are you bald?"

1104
00:49:53,480 --> 00:49:54,640
[chuckles]

1105
00:49:54,720 --> 00:49:55,960
That'll happen to me.

1106
00:49:57,240 --> 00:49:58,600
I was myself as a kid.

1107
00:49:59,120 --> 00:50:00,760
I wasn't afraid of anyone.

1108
00:50:00,840 --> 00:50:01,960
Someone new?

1109
00:50:02,040 --> 00:50:04,280
I'd go and see them. "Hello! How are you?"

1110
00:50:04,800 --> 00:50:07,160
I wasn't German. Just a weird voice.

1111
00:50:07,240 --> 00:50:09,960
People must have thought,
"Here's a German kid. Hello!"

1112
00:50:11,080 --> 00:50:13,440
When I was a kid, I was too much myself.

1113
00:50:14,800 --> 00:50:15,880
You know the kind?

1114
00:50:16,920 --> 00:50:19,360
With big adult heads.
They stare at you for ages.

1115
00:50:19,440 --> 00:50:20,960
As though you owed them money.

1116
00:50:22,440 --> 00:50:24,520
At a family dinner, I was the type…

1117
00:50:25,040 --> 00:50:27,160
You've never seen this kid in your life.

1118
00:50:27,240 --> 00:50:28,200
He looks at you.

1119
00:50:29,360 --> 00:50:32,680
He comes over, he pulls at your sweater,
"My butt hurts."

1120
00:50:32,760 --> 00:50:34,360
[audience laughs]

1121
00:50:34,440 --> 00:50:36,080
"Okay. What…"

1122
00:50:37,640 --> 00:50:42,040
"Was it me you wanted to talk to?
I don't think we've ever communicated."

1123
00:50:42,120 --> 00:50:43,800
"Mom had said no moussaka!"

1124
00:50:44,920 --> 00:50:47,080
-"I helped myself twice."
-"Right!"

1125
00:50:49,840 --> 00:50:51,320
"Okay. Sorry."

1126
00:50:51,400 --> 00:50:54,840
"Marc, did you hear that?
What do I… What…"

1127
00:50:56,080 --> 00:50:58,200
-"What's your name, sweetie?"
-"Panayotis!"

1128
00:50:58,280 --> 00:50:59,840
"Okay, right!"

1129
00:50:59,920 --> 00:51:01,280
"Marc, he's an SS soldier!"

1130
00:51:01,360 --> 00:51:04,440
"It's very weird. I'm scared.
I need to leave, Marc!"

1131
00:51:07,640 --> 00:51:10,760
As a kid, you didn't care.
After that, middle school is tough.

1132
00:51:10,840 --> 00:51:14,760
It's a small society. Especially tough
when you play the accordion.

1133
00:51:15,640 --> 00:51:18,560
In middle school,
to get the others to love me,

1134
00:51:18,640 --> 00:51:20,600
to get the older kids to love me,

1135
00:51:21,520 --> 00:51:25,120
I'd buy chocolate with my pocket money
and hand it out after school.

1136
00:51:25,840 --> 00:51:28,960
If you're looking for
what emotion to feel, it's pity.

1137
00:51:29,480 --> 00:51:32,400
I'd carry melting chocolate
in my pockets all day.

1138
00:51:32,480 --> 00:51:34,200
In the evening, I'd wait at the gate,

1139
00:51:34,280 --> 00:51:37,240
and when they came out,
I'd go, "Operation choco-choco."

1140
00:51:37,320 --> 00:51:38,560
[audience laughs]

1141
00:51:38,640 --> 00:51:40,440
Not in my head. Aloud!

1142
00:51:41,240 --> 00:51:44,560
Like a '70s cop in civilian clothes,
a little bit shady.

1143
00:51:44,640 --> 00:51:46,160
"Operation choco-choco!"

1144
00:51:47,240 --> 00:51:52,120
I'd go see them. It was pathetic. I'd say,
"Do you want chocolates?" [laughs]

1145
00:51:52,200 --> 00:51:55,080
I was like a reversed pedophile,
when you think about it.

1146
00:51:55,160 --> 00:51:56,960
With older kids, "Want chocolates?"

1147
00:51:57,040 --> 00:52:00,000
"Come, there's plenty in the Twingo!"

1148
00:52:00,880 --> 00:52:02,920
[laughing] "Come!"

1149
00:52:03,840 --> 00:52:04,880
[laughs]

1150
00:52:05,360 --> 00:52:06,400
Aah.

1151
00:52:07,680 --> 00:52:08,520
It worked.

1152
00:52:09,320 --> 00:52:11,800
We'd hang out. I felt like I was someone.

1153
00:52:11,880 --> 00:52:16,200
I had a box of chocolates. I'd take
one or two for school every morning.

1154
00:52:16,280 --> 00:52:19,120
One morning,
I open the box, and there's nothing.

1155
00:52:19,960 --> 00:52:22,320
I freaked out
in a way I seldom have in life.

1156
00:52:22,840 --> 00:52:24,240
It was sad, but also funny.

1157
00:52:24,320 --> 00:52:27,560
I was running everywhere,
screaming, "Anyone saw my chocolates?"

1158
00:52:28,080 --> 00:52:30,720
Which is sort of funny.
Half sad, half funny.

1159
00:52:30,800 --> 00:52:31,640
"Sadunny."

1160
00:52:33,360 --> 00:52:35,480
I go see my sister. I ask her.

1161
00:52:35,560 --> 00:52:36,400
She just went,

1162
00:52:37,280 --> 00:52:38,120
"No."

1163
00:52:39,200 --> 00:52:42,760
I understood and I cried
all the half salty tears in my body.

1164
00:52:43,280 --> 00:52:45,680
She said this sentence,
now cult in my family,

1165
00:52:45,760 --> 00:52:47,920
"All right, fart a little, praline!"

1166
00:52:48,000 --> 00:52:49,640
[audience laughs]

1167
00:52:49,720 --> 00:52:51,360
Apparently that was my nickname.

1168
00:52:51,960 --> 00:52:54,640
I took a knife, I said,
"I'm gonna stick her!"

1169
00:52:55,640 --> 00:52:57,200
My father came running.

1170
00:52:57,280 --> 00:52:58,600
He grabbed the knife.

1171
00:52:59,200 --> 00:53:00,400
One piece of advice.

1172
00:53:00,920 --> 00:53:05,040
If you want to kill someone,
don't shout your plan just before.

1173
00:53:05,560 --> 00:53:07,760
Strangely, that alerts local authorities.

1174
00:53:08,360 --> 00:53:09,840
He took the knife. "Hey!"

1175
00:53:11,720 --> 00:53:12,720
He paused.

1176
00:53:13,520 --> 00:53:16,800
When my dad does that, it means
he's about to teach a life lesson.

1177
00:53:17,640 --> 00:53:19,800
My dad isn't very involved
in our education,

1178
00:53:19,880 --> 00:53:22,040
but every two years,
he does a publicity coup

1179
00:53:22,840 --> 00:53:24,800
so that he gets reelected as dad.

1180
00:53:25,560 --> 00:53:29,400
He was at the end of his nettles mandate,
he needed something big.

1181
00:53:30,600 --> 00:53:32,080
He took the knife. "Hey!"

1182
00:53:32,880 --> 00:53:35,160
"You look at… I'm going to do…"

1183
00:53:35,240 --> 00:53:37,120
He had to improvise, poor thing.

1184
00:53:37,200 --> 00:53:38,960
[audience laughs]

1185
00:53:39,040 --> 00:53:40,480
He took the knife.

1186
00:53:40,560 --> 00:53:43,600
He gave it to my sister.
"You stick him, I allow you!"

1187
00:53:44,200 --> 00:53:45,120
No, I'm joking.

1188
00:53:46,080 --> 00:53:49,000
He took the knife.
He broke it against his knee.

1189
00:53:49,080 --> 00:53:51,560
You're like, "Your dad had skills!" No.

1190
00:53:51,640 --> 00:53:54,360
He cut his hand and his knee a bit.

1191
00:53:54,440 --> 00:53:56,440
"See? You shouldn't play with knives!"

1192
00:53:57,040 --> 00:53:59,480
[audience laughs]

1193
00:53:59,560 --> 00:54:00,480
"Well, yeah!"

1194
00:54:00,560 --> 00:54:02,000
[audience laughs]

1195
00:54:02,080 --> 00:54:05,240
"You too. What was…
You hear yourself speak?"

1196
00:54:06,120 --> 00:54:09,800
"When the sound comes out of your mouth,
does it get to your eardrum?"

1197
00:54:10,960 --> 00:54:11,840
He was in denial.

1198
00:54:12,360 --> 00:54:15,440
He's a man. He doesn't get hurt
so stupidly in front of his children.

1199
00:54:15,520 --> 00:54:16,960
"You're bleeding. You're okay?"

1200
00:54:17,040 --> 00:54:17,920
He was like,

1201
00:54:19,240 --> 00:54:20,560
"What makes you say that?"

1202
00:54:21,200 --> 00:54:22,480
That's his sentence.

1203
00:54:22,560 --> 00:54:25,440
When he's up against it,
"What makes you say that?"

1204
00:54:26,320 --> 00:54:29,200
He couldn't deny it anymore.
His injury was making noise.

1205
00:54:30,360 --> 00:54:33,240
Like, "Plop… plop."

1206
00:54:34,080 --> 00:54:34,920
He went…

1207
00:54:41,040 --> 00:54:42,600
"Go get your mom. Let's see."

1208
00:54:43,320 --> 00:54:44,680
It was unbelievable.

1209
00:54:44,760 --> 00:54:47,720
I hurried in the stairs.
"Mom, quick, Dad is hurt!"

1210
00:54:47,800 --> 00:54:49,880
She said,
"He can handle it, he's grown up!"

1211
00:54:50,520 --> 00:54:51,400
"Nein!"

1212
00:54:51,480 --> 00:54:52,600
[audience laughs]

1213
00:54:52,680 --> 00:54:55,280
Dad is dying on the wood floor.
We need help.

1214
00:54:57,120 --> 00:54:58,560
[chuckles] It was crazy.

1215
00:54:58,640 --> 00:55:01,400
It's on that day
I started to make jokes for love.

1216
00:55:01,480 --> 00:55:04,720
Instead of chocolates.
Simpler. And less dangerous.

1217
00:55:05,920 --> 00:55:09,040
Year after year, I started to build
the almost me my dad dreamed of.

1218
00:55:09,120 --> 00:55:09,960
Self-assured.

1219
00:55:10,600 --> 00:55:13,000
Confident, funny, a bit of a womanizer,

1220
00:55:14,080 --> 00:55:16,840
but never vulnerable.
It's helped me so many times,

1221
00:55:17,360 --> 00:55:18,200
but not

1222
00:55:18,880 --> 00:55:20,880
when I want to kiss a girl I like.

1223
00:55:21,840 --> 00:55:25,280
My confident self is
in the bathroom with a glass of water.

1224
00:55:26,720 --> 00:55:28,920
And I'm alone, defenseless, sweating.

1225
00:55:30,400 --> 00:55:33,480
I fell in love with this girl
like in the movies.

1226
00:55:34,520 --> 00:55:37,760
She said one sentence,
and I was in love, I knew it.

1227
00:55:37,840 --> 00:55:41,200
It was self-evident.
Like warm water from my ears to my toes.

1228
00:55:41,920 --> 00:55:43,840
For you to understand this sentence,

1229
00:55:44,360 --> 00:55:47,040
I need to tell you
one last thing about my childhood.

1230
00:55:47,760 --> 00:55:49,360
I used to touch my nipples.

1231
00:55:49,440 --> 00:55:51,080
[audience laughs]

1232
00:55:51,160 --> 00:55:54,360
If you start snickering now,
we won't be able to talk about it.

1233
00:55:54,440 --> 00:55:56,520
I'm starting to feel comfortable,
I open up,

1234
00:55:56,600 --> 00:55:58,720
and you laugh at me, that isn't nice.

1235
00:55:58,800 --> 00:56:01,680
Stop looking at me like this.
I see your eyes!

1236
00:56:01,760 --> 00:56:04,680
"He seemed like a weird kid,
but that's something else."

1237
00:56:04,760 --> 00:56:07,920
No! Each kid had their own weird thing.

1238
00:56:09,760 --> 00:56:11,640
[laughing] No? There was a pause.

1239
00:56:11,720 --> 00:56:13,840
We'd often take
my brother to the hospital,

1240
00:56:13,920 --> 00:56:17,320
because he'd go,
"I won't breathe until we get home!"

1241
00:56:17,920 --> 00:56:18,880
Blah!

1242
00:56:18,960 --> 00:56:21,920
After 20 meters,
he'd crash on the pavement like a loser.

1243
00:56:23,000 --> 00:56:25,600
When I was sad, I'd rub my boobs.
That was my thing.

1244
00:56:25,680 --> 00:56:28,120
Boobs, tits?
There are many ways to say it.

1245
00:56:28,200 --> 00:56:29,920
Stop looking at me like that!

1246
00:56:31,240 --> 00:56:33,880
When my parents told me off,
I'd go to my room, and…

1247
00:56:33,960 --> 00:56:35,000
[cries]

1248
00:56:35,080 --> 00:56:36,040
It was my thing.

1249
00:56:36,640 --> 00:56:38,080
Throw me in jail!

1250
00:56:38,160 --> 00:56:39,320
We all did it.

1251
00:56:39,400 --> 00:56:41,840
It was my own Narnia. I released tension.

1252
00:56:41,920 --> 00:56:43,360
That bit doesn't matter.

1253
00:56:44,200 --> 00:56:46,600
What matters is, as a kid, I'd think,

1254
00:56:46,680 --> 00:56:49,560
"Why don't they talk about
the ability to disappear?" Okay.

1255
00:56:51,920 --> 00:56:54,200
So I started to try and talk about it.

1256
00:56:54,280 --> 00:56:55,400
To spread the word.

1257
00:56:56,640 --> 00:56:58,000
I went to see my friends.

1258
00:56:58,080 --> 00:57:01,560
"When you touch your nipples…"
"Stop hanging out with us."

1259
00:57:01,640 --> 00:57:02,920
[audience laughs]

1260
00:57:03,680 --> 00:57:04,920
Quick sentence.

1261
00:57:06,200 --> 00:57:09,920
So I tried to talk to my parents' friends
when they came for dinner.

1262
00:57:10,000 --> 00:57:10,920
[chuckles]

1263
00:57:11,000 --> 00:57:11,840
Poor people.

1264
00:57:12,480 --> 00:57:15,200
I'd wait on a corner of the sofa,
like this.

1265
00:57:18,400 --> 00:57:19,720
Like a hairless cat.

1266
00:57:19,800 --> 00:57:21,280
[audience laughs]

1267
00:57:21,360 --> 00:57:23,320
I'd wait for them to hang out their coats.

1268
00:57:23,400 --> 00:57:25,120
They'd go up to the room with them.

1269
00:57:25,200 --> 00:57:26,120
And I'd strike.

1270
00:57:26,840 --> 00:57:27,920
"Sorry, Sylvie,

1271
00:57:28,000 --> 00:57:29,680
when you rub your boobies…"

1272
00:57:31,280 --> 00:57:32,840
They were so scared of me.

1273
00:57:33,400 --> 00:57:34,520
They'd freak out.

1274
00:57:35,040 --> 00:57:37,960
For them,
I was Élise Lucet in Cash Investigation.

1275
00:57:38,560 --> 00:57:40,360
They'd see me and turn around, "No."

1276
00:57:40,440 --> 00:57:43,560
"No undocumented workers
are employed in this company."

1277
00:57:43,640 --> 00:57:46,320
"Are you allowed to follow me?
Is this legal?"

1278
00:57:47,120 --> 00:57:48,320
They were so scared.

1279
00:57:49,560 --> 00:57:54,240
And one evening, my mom came up
to my room, and she said,

1280
00:57:56,560 --> 00:57:57,520
"All right, Panayou?"

1281
00:57:58,680 --> 00:57:59,520
"Yeah?"

1282
00:58:01,800 --> 00:58:02,640
"Great."

1283
00:58:04,680 --> 00:58:06,840
"Marc and Véronique
are coming over tonight."

1284
00:58:11,920 --> 00:58:14,040
"You're okay? Yeah?"

1285
00:58:16,400 --> 00:58:17,240
"Great."

1286
00:58:19,400 --> 00:58:21,680
"Maybe you shouldn't talk to them

1287
00:58:22,360 --> 00:58:24,280
about your little secret?"

1288
00:58:24,360 --> 00:58:25,840
It became taboo at home.

1289
00:58:27,960 --> 00:58:30,920
"But if you want to talk to someone,
we can see a shrink."

1290
00:58:31,440 --> 00:58:33,000
I said, "What's a shrink?"

1291
00:58:33,960 --> 00:58:36,200
"A shrink, Panayou, is someone you pay

1292
00:58:37,720 --> 00:58:40,480
to feel listened to,
accepted, like everyone else."

1293
00:58:41,240 --> 00:58:44,480
The most beautiful definition
of a shrink I've ever heard.

1294
00:58:45,080 --> 00:58:47,720
Only with a shrink can you go,
"My name's Philippe."

1295
00:58:48,560 --> 00:58:51,720
"My boss is rude with me,
but I handle it, I stay professional."

1296
00:58:51,800 --> 00:58:54,640
"I go on a cigarette break,
but I don't smoke."

1297
00:58:54,720 --> 00:58:56,120
[audience laughs]

1298
00:58:56,200 --> 00:58:59,800
"I get out of work, I turn left
because there's a flower shop."

1299
00:58:59,880 --> 00:59:03,000
"I buy a hamster there
and I kill it under my armpit."

1300
00:59:03,080 --> 00:59:04,800
[audience laughs]

1301
00:59:04,880 --> 00:59:05,960
"That's my thing."

1302
00:59:06,760 --> 00:59:09,600
Only with the shrink.
Do you realize how lucky that is?

1303
00:59:10,160 --> 00:59:11,880
Your best friend would go,

1304
00:59:11,960 --> 00:59:13,560
"Philippe, you okay? What…"

1305
00:59:13,640 --> 00:59:14,920
[audience laughs]

1306
00:59:16,960 --> 00:59:19,840
"They sell hamsters in flower shops?
I had no idea."

1307
00:59:20,400 --> 00:59:22,600
There are so many
overwhelming questions in life.

1308
00:59:22,680 --> 00:59:24,600
But the shrink gets excited.

1309
00:59:25,200 --> 00:59:27,360
She's like, "Challenge!"

1310
00:59:27,440 --> 00:59:28,440
[audience laughs]

1311
00:59:28,520 --> 00:59:30,720
"What color was the hamster, Philou?"

1312
00:59:32,120 --> 00:59:34,560
"Rodents often symbolize Christ
in the subconscious."

1313
00:59:34,640 --> 00:59:36,320
"Yeah, let's talk about it."

1314
00:59:37,600 --> 00:59:38,560
It's her job.

1315
00:59:39,960 --> 00:59:43,360
I sit down, but I understood
that people laugh at me because of this.

1316
00:59:44,760 --> 00:59:46,720
So I decide not to talk about it.

1317
00:59:49,400 --> 00:59:52,520
-"What do you do all day?"
-"I often touch my nipp--"

1318
00:59:52,600 --> 00:59:54,440
-[gasps]
-[audience laughs]

1319
00:59:54,520 --> 00:59:55,680
"Damn, she's good!"

1320
00:59:57,480 --> 00:59:58,480
"Pay it no mind."

1321
00:59:59,160 --> 01:00:00,200
[laughs]

1322
01:00:00,280 --> 01:00:03,080
I'd be terrified
if a kid said "Pay it no mind."

1323
01:00:03,880 --> 01:00:07,840
Their vocabulary is too precise.
"I'll tell you everything, Doctor."

1324
01:00:08,960 --> 01:00:10,920
[laughing] A James Bond villain.

1325
01:00:11,000 --> 01:00:12,680
"I shan't omit any details."

1326
01:00:13,640 --> 01:00:15,480
"Sometimes I feel

1327
01:00:16,480 --> 01:00:17,320
frivolous."

1328
01:00:17,400 --> 01:00:18,640
[audience laughs]

1329
01:00:18,720 --> 01:00:20,560
"And I lock myself in my room…"

1330
01:00:21,240 --> 01:00:22,080
"Or rather!"

1331
01:00:23,080 --> 01:00:24,120
"The entrance hall."

1332
01:00:24,200 --> 01:00:27,000
"And I rub…"

1333
01:00:27,640 --> 01:00:29,440
[laughing]

1334
01:00:30,400 --> 01:00:33,000
"…vigorously, Doctor,

1335
01:00:33,080 --> 01:00:34,560
the nipple area."

1336
01:00:36,000 --> 01:00:37,320
"And I feel my soul

1337
01:00:38,480 --> 01:00:39,720
transcend itself."

1338
01:00:41,040 --> 01:00:43,080
"And I like this feeling, Doctor."

1339
01:00:43,160 --> 01:00:44,360
[audience laughs]

1340
01:00:45,280 --> 01:00:47,400
I said it in a way
that was less terrifying.

1341
01:00:47,480 --> 01:00:49,400
Trust me. I was less terrifying.

1342
01:00:50,720 --> 01:00:51,640
But I tell her,

1343
01:00:53,200 --> 01:00:55,400
and I swear it's true, she just went…

1344
01:00:56,080 --> 01:00:56,920
[chuckling] "What?"

1345
01:00:57,000 --> 01:00:58,040
[audience laughs]

1346
01:00:58,120 --> 01:00:59,200
She laughed!

1347
01:01:00,360 --> 01:01:03,800
And I told myself
that I wouldn't talk about it ever again.

1348
01:01:04,320 --> 01:01:05,760
Never ever!

1349
01:01:05,840 --> 01:01:08,520
As long as Germany isn't…

1350
01:01:08,600 --> 01:01:09,520
No, I'm joking.

1351
01:01:10,520 --> 01:01:13,680
But I was extremely embarrassed.
So embarrassed.

1352
01:01:14,480 --> 01:01:17,640
I buried this inside.
I didn't talk about it for years.

1353
01:01:19,040 --> 01:01:21,240
It was my first date with this girl.

1354
01:01:22,440 --> 01:01:25,080
Not too long ago, the last girl I…

1355
01:01:25,160 --> 01:01:26,400
It was under Chirac.

1356
01:01:26,480 --> 01:01:29,440
So it's been a minute.

1357
01:01:30,520 --> 01:01:32,760
It wasn't that long ago,
but I felt uncomfortable.

1358
01:01:32,840 --> 01:01:37,440
First date. I joke around
to make her love me, and she stops me.

1359
01:01:37,520 --> 01:01:38,480
She says, "Hey."

1360
01:01:39,560 --> 01:01:42,640
"You've been making jokes.
We're not really talking."

1361
01:01:42,720 --> 01:01:46,080
"We could get to know each other.
Talk about our lives."

1362
01:01:46,640 --> 01:01:49,120
"Don't you have a funny childhood story?"

1363
01:01:49,200 --> 01:01:50,640
[audience chuckles]

1364
01:01:52,240 --> 01:01:53,840
I said, "I have something,

1365
01:01:54,520 --> 01:01:56,520
but you start first, just to see."

1366
01:01:57,120 --> 01:01:59,640
I wanted to know
what kind of story to aim for.

1367
01:01:59,720 --> 01:02:02,640
Imagine she says something cute.
"I'll go first."

1368
01:02:03,320 --> 01:02:04,560
"I was left-handed,

1369
01:02:05,080 --> 01:02:07,760
but I'd play tennis with my right hand!"
[giggles]

1370
01:02:09,080 --> 01:02:11,400
I can't follow with, "Well, as for me,

1371
01:02:12,760 --> 01:02:15,080
I'd touch my nipples
to make myself disappear!"

1372
01:02:15,160 --> 01:02:17,280
"With both hands! Ambidextrous!" No.

1373
01:02:17,360 --> 01:02:18,720
[audience laughs]

1374
01:02:19,760 --> 01:02:20,840
So I let her go first.

1375
01:02:20,920 --> 01:02:23,240
She says something a bit daring. I relax.

1376
01:02:23,320 --> 01:02:26,080
I tell her. She stops. She says, "What?"

1377
01:02:28,160 --> 01:02:29,000
"Me too."

1378
01:02:29,520 --> 01:02:30,760
I said, "What?"

1379
01:02:30,840 --> 01:02:31,800
[audience laughs]

1380
01:02:31,880 --> 01:02:33,760
Have you ever loved someone so hard

1381
01:02:33,840 --> 01:02:36,480
you want that person to die
because you can't handle it?

1382
01:02:36,560 --> 01:02:38,880
Like, "I like you!"

1383
01:02:38,960 --> 01:02:40,440
"No, I liked them!"

1384
01:02:41,480 --> 01:02:43,800
No, that's never happened? Me neither.

1385
01:02:43,880 --> 01:02:46,880
I wanted to see if we were the same.

1386
01:02:46,960 --> 01:02:48,240
It's the same. Crazy.

1387
01:02:49,400 --> 01:02:52,240
I went crazy. "Go on!
Tell me. I'd like to hear."

1388
01:02:52,320 --> 01:02:55,680
She said, "Come on.
I've never told anyone. I can't."

1389
01:02:56,240 --> 01:02:57,080
I said, "Yes!"

1390
01:02:58,240 --> 01:02:59,240
She said, "Well…"

1391
01:03:00,720 --> 01:03:01,640
[giggles]

1392
01:03:04,480 --> 01:03:07,800
"When I was little,
I felt like I was in the way."

1393
01:03:08,480 --> 01:03:11,680
"I'd lock myself up the bathroom.
I was so ashamed."

1394
01:03:12,760 --> 01:03:15,040
"I felt so heavy. I felt ridiculous."

1395
01:03:15,680 --> 01:03:19,920
"I'd go to the bathroom. No water.
Just the cold tiles. It was horrible."

1396
01:03:20,440 --> 01:03:22,840
"And I'd rub one rib. Mine was a rib."

1397
01:03:22,920 --> 01:03:25,520
"It'd make me feel like an electroshock."

1398
01:03:25,600 --> 01:03:28,160
"I felt like I was disappearing."

1399
01:03:29,320 --> 01:03:32,640
"I wasn't there anymore.
It felt good. Like dying for a bit."

1400
01:03:32,720 --> 01:03:34,840
"It'd make me appreciate life more."

1401
01:03:36,280 --> 01:03:38,280
[audience muttering]

1402
01:03:38,800 --> 01:03:40,000
I told her, "Can I…"

1403
01:03:40,960 --> 01:03:43,200
"Can I rub my nipple against your rib?"

1404
01:03:43,280 --> 01:03:44,280
[audience laughs]

1405
01:03:44,360 --> 01:03:46,440
"To see if we'd both disappear."

1406
01:03:47,720 --> 01:03:48,560
She laughed.

1407
01:03:49,680 --> 01:03:51,160
It wasn't a joke. She laughed.

1408
01:03:53,040 --> 01:03:56,880
I was in love with her.
I couldn't kiss her at the first date.

1409
01:03:58,200 --> 01:04:01,200
Second date, I could tell she wanted to.
I couldn't do it.

1410
01:04:01,280 --> 01:04:04,400
Third date. A disaster.
I told you about the fourth date.

1411
01:04:04,920 --> 01:04:08,200
She leaves the flat after the fourth date.
I'm with my housemate.

1412
01:04:08,280 --> 01:04:11,200
I'm in despair.
"She's going to move on. Rightfully."

1413
01:04:11,720 --> 01:04:15,120
"Four dates? Then eight?
Twelve? I'll need to pay her a salary!"

1414
01:04:15,200 --> 01:04:17,000
"It's an employment contract!"

1415
01:04:17,080 --> 01:04:19,160
He wasn't listening. He was pacing.

1416
01:04:19,920 --> 01:04:20,760
He said, "No!"

1417
01:04:22,160 --> 01:04:23,720
"We're going to kiss her!"

1418
01:04:24,240 --> 01:04:27,320
I said, "You're too involved.
You're scaring me."

1419
01:04:27,400 --> 01:04:28,960
He said, "Now you listen!"

1420
01:04:29,760 --> 01:04:33,360
"Fifth date. You invite her here.
I'll be in my room. I won't listen."

1421
01:04:34,320 --> 01:04:37,800
"She rings. You open.
But she stays in the corridor."

1422
01:04:39,120 --> 01:04:41,240
"She's just rang.
You open. You don't talk."

1423
01:04:41,320 --> 01:04:44,000
"You look her in the eyes,
and you kiss her."

1424
01:04:45,000 --> 01:04:46,960
"You step back. You take her in."

1425
01:04:48,360 --> 01:04:49,320
"You go, 'Hey.'"

1426
01:04:50,240 --> 01:04:53,440
"Weren't those
the longest three minutes in your life?"

1427
01:04:57,240 --> 01:04:59,760
With hindsight,
I understand that it was trash.

1428
01:05:00,560 --> 01:05:04,040
But right then, don't be mad,
I was like, "You're a genius!"

1429
01:05:04,120 --> 01:05:06,120
So many things point to the opposite.

1430
01:05:06,200 --> 01:05:08,400
Eight ex-wives.
Twelve times child support.

1431
01:05:08,480 --> 01:05:09,480
Is it even legal?

1432
01:05:10,680 --> 01:05:13,560
I listened to him. Seventy-two hours
later, I was all dressed up.

1433
01:05:13,640 --> 01:05:15,240
Waiting for the fifth date.

1434
01:05:17,000 --> 01:05:19,920
She gets there.
We could hear her heels on the wood floor.

1435
01:05:20,440 --> 01:05:23,360
"We" because he opened his door.
"You hear? She's coming!"

1436
01:05:23,440 --> 01:05:25,200
"Okay. I feel pity for the two of us."

1437
01:05:25,280 --> 01:05:27,880
"It's very weird. Put on your pants."

1438
01:05:30,080 --> 01:05:30,920
She rings.

1439
01:05:35,200 --> 01:05:36,040
I open.

1440
01:05:37,960 --> 01:05:39,320
I look her in the eyes.

1441
01:05:41,960 --> 01:05:42,800
And nothing.

1442
01:05:44,200 --> 01:05:46,600
In my head, it's like…
[imitates extended beep]

1443
01:05:47,240 --> 01:05:51,840
And she steps closer to come in.
As expected.

1444
01:05:52,760 --> 01:05:55,120
Imagine. You ring someone's door.
They open, and…

1445
01:05:55,200 --> 01:05:57,240
[audience laughs]

1446
01:05:57,320 --> 01:06:00,640
You start doubting yourself.
"Did I ring or did you?"

1447
01:06:00,720 --> 01:06:02,720
"Who's coming in? I don't get it."

1448
01:06:03,600 --> 01:06:06,520
So she comes closer without thinking.
I'm freaking out.

1449
01:06:06,600 --> 01:06:08,680
He said she should stay in the corridor!

1450
01:06:09,240 --> 01:06:12,400
I use my elbow to block her.
As if this was a natural pose.

1451
01:06:12,480 --> 01:06:14,680
She steps back.
She says, "You okay, Panayotis?"

1452
01:06:14,760 --> 01:06:17,240
I think, "It's now or never, go for it!"

1453
01:06:18,000 --> 01:06:20,960
I go to kiss her,
but not like in a romantic movie.

1454
01:06:21,920 --> 01:06:23,160
Like a zombie movie.

1455
01:06:23,840 --> 01:06:24,680
I went…

1456
01:06:26,360 --> 01:06:28,920
The closer I got,
the further back she went.

1457
01:06:29,440 --> 01:06:31,520
I thought, "It's further than I thought."

1458
01:06:32,240 --> 01:06:34,760
"If I'd known, I would've brought snacks."

1459
01:06:35,560 --> 01:06:39,480
I couldn't go further. I'd reached
the height of my isometric butt muscles.

1460
01:06:40,120 --> 01:06:40,960
No kissing.

1461
01:06:41,040 --> 01:06:42,360
No touching. Nothing.

1462
01:06:43,640 --> 01:06:48,080
But I had nothing else to say but,
"The longest three minutes in your life."

1463
01:06:49,840 --> 01:06:51,680
Embarrassing. I used that tone.

1464
01:06:52,280 --> 01:06:54,720
Disgusting. Like I had just tortured her.

1465
01:06:55,600 --> 01:06:58,440
"The longest three minutes in your life,
Jean Moulin!"

1466
01:06:58,520 --> 01:07:00,880
So weird.

1467
01:07:00,960 --> 01:07:04,680
She straightened up.
"The longest three minutes in my life?"

1468
01:07:06,360 --> 01:07:09,040
"Is this about
that weird three-minute thing?"

1469
01:07:11,280 --> 01:07:12,640
"You tried to kiss me?"

1470
01:07:14,000 --> 01:07:17,520
I said, "What makes you say that?"

1471
01:07:17,600 --> 01:07:19,320
[audience laughs]

1472
01:07:19,400 --> 01:07:22,960
I couldn't touch my nipple to disappear.
She knew about it! [chuckles]

1473
01:07:23,040 --> 01:07:27,160
Literally, I thought,
"It'd help the two of us if she died."

1474
01:07:27,240 --> 01:07:28,920
[audience laughs]

1475
01:07:29,000 --> 01:07:30,040
"We'll move on."

1476
01:07:30,760 --> 01:07:31,760
"Me, especially."

1477
01:07:32,400 --> 01:07:34,560
So I failed. I'm at the apartment.

1478
01:07:34,640 --> 01:07:37,960
She's in the corridor.
There's an open door between us.

1479
01:07:38,040 --> 01:07:39,040
Just like that.

1480
01:07:39,120 --> 01:07:39,960
We're talking.

1481
01:07:40,520 --> 01:07:46,160
In my blind spot, I can tell that
there's someone by the wall there.

1482
01:07:47,040 --> 01:07:47,880
I just hear,

1483
01:07:49,200 --> 01:07:50,440
"Kiss her!"

1484
01:07:50,520 --> 01:07:51,480
[audience laughs]

1485
01:07:51,560 --> 01:07:53,960
As if it were a football game, bastard!

1486
01:07:54,040 --> 01:07:56,440
She hears a voice. She looks in.

1487
01:07:56,520 --> 01:07:57,520
She sees him!

1488
01:07:58,920 --> 01:08:00,000
"Is he your housemate?"

1489
01:08:00,080 --> 01:08:02,160
I say, "Huh? What?"

1490
01:08:02,240 --> 01:08:04,320
She says, "He's not your housemate?"

1491
01:08:05,800 --> 01:08:07,560
[audience laughs]

1492
01:08:07,640 --> 01:08:09,440
"There's a man in his shorts."

1493
01:08:10,760 --> 01:08:13,080
"Is that why
you don't want me to come in?"

1494
01:08:13,600 --> 01:08:16,720
Not sure if that was a joke,
or if she wanted to push me a bit.

1495
01:08:17,240 --> 01:08:19,960
But I took everything literally.
And I said…

1496
01:08:26,640 --> 01:08:27,880
"I don't see anyone."

1497
01:08:27,960 --> 01:08:29,520
[audience laughs]

1498
01:08:29,600 --> 01:08:30,600
I denied someone.

1499
01:08:32,040 --> 01:08:32,880
Literally.

1500
01:08:33,440 --> 01:08:35,440
Even though he was there. I tried.

1501
01:08:35,960 --> 01:08:39,800
It's bold. As if she was gonna say,
"Your lamp is really stylish!"

1502
01:08:40,520 --> 01:08:41,760
I'm so stupid!

1503
01:08:42,520 --> 01:08:44,760
I thought, "No, you didn't say that."

1504
01:08:45,360 --> 01:08:47,920
I tried to put it right
and pretend it was a joke,

1505
01:08:48,000 --> 01:08:49,840
but the pause was telling.

1506
01:08:50,520 --> 01:08:51,760
"I don't see anyone."

1507
01:08:53,400 --> 01:08:54,840
[fake laughter]

1508
01:08:55,920 --> 01:08:56,760
What a moron.

1509
01:08:58,080 --> 01:09:01,040
Luckily, she's good fun.
She said, "He isn't real?"

1510
01:09:02,240 --> 01:09:03,080
"Okay."

1511
01:09:07,720 --> 01:09:09,400
"I can see him really well."

1512
01:09:09,480 --> 01:09:10,960
[audience laughs]

1513
01:09:12,840 --> 01:09:15,040
"Sorry! Nice to meet you."

1514
01:09:15,960 --> 01:09:17,960
"This is a weird question,
but are you real?"

1515
01:09:18,480 --> 01:09:19,520
And he went…

1516
01:09:30,440 --> 01:09:31,680
"Fuck, I don't know."

1517
01:09:31,760 --> 01:09:34,360
[audience laughs]

1518
01:09:35,120 --> 01:09:36,880
"But we'll fill up that shell."

1519
01:09:36,960 --> 01:09:38,680
[audience laughs]

1520
01:09:38,760 --> 01:09:41,680
[applause]

1521
01:09:47,600 --> 01:09:48,640
The truth is worse.

1522
01:09:48,720 --> 01:09:51,480
She talked to him.
He just turned and left.

1523
01:09:51,560 --> 01:09:54,120
Like, "If I don't reply,
she won't know I was there."

1524
01:09:55,080 --> 01:09:57,040
She looked at me.

1525
01:09:57,720 --> 01:10:00,160
Like, "You're a bit silly at times."

1526
01:10:00,240 --> 01:10:01,640
She pushed the door.

1527
01:10:02,480 --> 01:10:04,160
She walked in confidently.

1528
01:10:04,240 --> 01:10:05,440
As if she paid rent.

1529
01:10:06,280 --> 01:10:08,720
And she just pushed me in a corner.

1530
01:10:10,000 --> 01:10:11,400
She looked me in the eyes.

1531
01:10:12,560 --> 01:10:13,480
It wasn't cute.

1532
01:10:14,560 --> 01:10:15,400
An owl.

1533
01:10:19,160 --> 01:10:22,280
I could tell she realized
that I just didn't know how.

1534
01:10:23,320 --> 01:10:26,000
That it was out of reach.
Not part of my family's DNA.

1535
01:10:27,960 --> 01:10:28,800
She kissed me.

1536
01:10:29,800 --> 01:10:33,640
[applause and cheering]

1537
01:10:35,440 --> 01:10:36,520
I'm not a puppy!

1538
01:10:38,400 --> 01:10:41,320
It sounded a bit like,
"He pooped on his own!"

1539
01:10:41,400 --> 01:10:42,960
"Well done, Melchior!" No.

1540
01:10:47,640 --> 01:10:49,000
I didn't feel anything.

1541
01:10:49,760 --> 01:10:50,880
[audience] Ooh!

1542
01:10:50,960 --> 01:10:53,640
"Aah! We don't know where to stand!"

1543
01:10:55,000 --> 01:10:58,800
I became a granite block in front of her.

1544
01:10:58,880 --> 01:11:03,960
I felt cold.
I felt distant from her, from myself.

1545
01:11:04,040 --> 01:11:06,400
From everything. I felt alone. So weird.

1546
01:11:06,920 --> 01:11:08,480
She went over to the sofa.

1547
01:11:09,040 --> 01:11:11,120
So I went too.
It's my place. It's strange.

1548
01:11:12,200 --> 01:11:13,440
We talk for an hour or two.

1549
01:11:13,520 --> 01:11:15,720
And when we talk,

1550
01:11:15,800 --> 01:11:18,760
I feel like I think that I love her.

1551
01:11:19,560 --> 01:11:21,400
But nothing when she kisses me.

1552
01:11:22,640 --> 01:11:24,480
She has work, so she has to go.

1553
01:11:24,560 --> 01:11:27,720
I walk her to the door.
She kisses me very slowly.

1554
01:11:27,800 --> 01:11:30,160
Nothing. Less than before. It's so weird.

1555
01:11:30,680 --> 01:11:34,480
She says, "Well, I think
we're gonna see each other more."

1556
01:11:35,600 --> 01:11:37,120
I said, "Yes."

1557
01:11:39,960 --> 01:11:41,320
[audience laughs]

1558
01:11:41,400 --> 01:11:42,720
I was allowed by then.

1559
01:11:44,160 --> 01:11:45,120
I was so lost.

1560
01:11:46,480 --> 01:11:48,920
I came back in. Well, I walked one meter.

1561
01:11:50,200 --> 01:11:52,440
I sat on the sofa, and I thought,

1562
01:11:52,520 --> 01:11:54,360
literally, word for word,

1563
01:11:55,960 --> 01:11:56,880
"Now you know."

1564
01:11:59,080 --> 01:12:00,640
"You don't know how to love."

1565
01:12:01,720 --> 01:12:04,320
Sent shivers down my spine.
It's silly, but I believed it.

1566
01:12:04,400 --> 01:12:09,360
I convinced myself. I argued the matter.
"You don't know how to love. It happens."

1567
01:12:09,440 --> 01:12:11,840
"Your dad can't do it much,
and so you don't know."

1568
01:12:11,920 --> 01:12:12,960
"That's how it works."

1569
01:12:13,040 --> 01:12:15,960
"Some people are good at love,
and some aren't."

1570
01:12:16,040 --> 01:12:19,920
"Some people can make bread.
Others, you try their bread. It's a no."

1571
01:12:20,840 --> 01:12:22,080
"It needs more salt."

1572
01:12:23,720 --> 01:12:25,160
My housemate came out.

1573
01:12:25,240 --> 01:12:28,240
He'd heard everything.
He put his hand on my shoulder.

1574
01:12:28,920 --> 01:12:29,840
He whispered,

1575
01:12:30,520 --> 01:12:33,600
"You're a man now, damn it!
I'm proud of you".

1576
01:12:34,920 --> 01:12:36,840
I felt fluttering in my stomach.

1577
01:12:38,160 --> 01:12:40,400
I thought, "Have I been in love with him?"

1578
01:12:43,520 --> 01:12:46,320
I'd love to tell you
that I'm dating this girl,

1579
01:12:46,400 --> 01:12:47,680
that we have beautiful kids,

1580
01:12:47,760 --> 01:12:51,480
that we see each other
for brunch every weekend.

1581
01:12:52,720 --> 01:12:53,640
Eggs Benedict.

1582
01:12:55,080 --> 01:12:56,520
But I never saw her again.

1583
01:12:56,600 --> 01:12:58,360
[audience muttering]

1584
01:12:59,320 --> 01:13:00,680
Some are disappointed.

1585
01:13:01,320 --> 01:13:03,280
For you, it's a show. But it's my life.

1586
01:13:03,360 --> 01:13:04,680
[audience laughs]

1587
01:13:04,760 --> 01:13:05,680
[clears throat]

1588
01:13:07,960 --> 01:13:10,400
We had the opening for the show recently.

1589
01:13:11,200 --> 01:13:13,680
I mean, before this beautiful pandemic.

1590
01:13:13,760 --> 01:13:15,680
Yum! We should do it again.

1591
01:13:17,120 --> 01:13:20,400
I was so scared before the opening.
I call my mom when I'm scared.

1592
01:13:20,480 --> 01:13:22,600
I tell her I'm scared. Pragmatic.

1593
01:13:23,760 --> 01:13:25,760
I say, "I don't feel like myself."

1594
01:13:26,520 --> 01:13:28,520
She said, "He's so annoying with this!"

1595
01:13:29,040 --> 01:13:30,680
"Yes, Panayou, you're yourself!"

1596
01:13:31,200 --> 01:13:33,600
"When you called, it was your name!"

1597
01:13:34,320 --> 01:13:36,440
She's always so cute in moments like this.

1598
01:13:37,000 --> 01:13:38,360
"Is it about the show?"

1599
01:13:38,920 --> 01:13:41,760
I said, "I don't know. I think so, yeah."

1600
01:13:42,440 --> 01:13:43,880
"Listen, it's your opening."

1601
01:13:44,760 --> 01:13:47,240
"An opening on stage
is like every first time."

1602
01:13:47,320 --> 01:13:48,480
"You try things out."

1603
01:13:49,080 --> 01:13:51,240
"If you're not feeling it,
try something else."

1604
01:13:52,080 --> 01:13:53,200
"And it's your opening."

1605
01:13:53,720 --> 01:13:56,200
"You're going to screw up. No big deal."
"Stop!"

1606
01:13:57,200 --> 01:13:58,640
"One sentence too many."

1607
01:13:59,280 --> 01:14:01,680
She always puts it right
like Jean-Claude Van Damme.

1608
01:14:01,760 --> 01:14:07,920
She went, "No, you're going to screw
the nail of success!"

1609
01:14:08,000 --> 01:14:09,800
She hands the phone to my dad.

1610
01:14:11,400 --> 01:14:14,640
He takes the phone.
I hear him breathing. I go all in.

1611
01:14:14,720 --> 01:14:15,560
I tell him,

1612
01:14:16,520 --> 01:14:17,360
"I'm scared."

1613
01:14:17,960 --> 01:14:19,840
It's about feelings. He clams up.

1614
01:14:21,280 --> 01:14:25,240
He says, "Is it about the show?"
I say, "What makes you say that?"

1615
01:14:26,040 --> 01:14:28,240
He says, "Call me after the opening."

1616
01:14:28,320 --> 01:14:31,040
"Tell me once things are done.
Not when you're doing them."

1617
01:14:31,120 --> 01:14:32,280
[fake laughter]

1618
01:14:33,640 --> 01:14:38,720
I heard the "Ha, ha, ha" only dads
do on the phone after a weird, mean joke.

1619
01:14:39,600 --> 01:14:41,400
I understood we were the same.

1620
01:14:42,080 --> 01:14:43,760
I played his game for the first time.

1621
01:14:44,280 --> 01:14:46,760
"Want me to tell you
once things are done?"

1622
01:14:47,320 --> 01:14:48,160
"Okay."

1623
01:14:48,680 --> 01:14:52,360
"When my girlfriend is pregnant,
I'll tell you when it's born?"

1624
01:14:53,320 --> 01:14:55,600
He said, "Yes."

1625
01:14:55,680 --> 01:14:57,240
[audience laughs]

1626
01:14:57,320 --> 01:14:58,160
So much ego.

1627
01:14:58,880 --> 01:15:01,320
We want to see
which one of us would break first.

1628
01:15:02,320 --> 01:15:05,520
"Call me once your girlfriend
is back from the hospital."

1629
01:15:05,600 --> 01:15:08,680
"She'll call you herself,
so I don't have to do it."

1630
01:15:10,200 --> 01:15:12,560
He goes,
"The baby will call. Don't worry."

1631
01:15:12,640 --> 01:15:14,240
[audience laughs]

1632
01:15:15,960 --> 01:15:18,280
Because he's really funny, he added,

1633
01:15:19,440 --> 01:15:21,080
"Still single, right?"

1634
01:15:21,160 --> 01:15:22,840
[audience laughs]

1635
01:15:22,920 --> 01:15:24,400
"Call me once it's done."

1636
01:15:25,600 --> 01:15:27,120
[fake laughter]

1637
01:15:28,240 --> 01:15:31,600
[applause]

1638
01:15:35,320 --> 01:15:38,160
"Actually, about that,
maybe I wrote this show

1639
01:15:39,200 --> 01:15:41,440
to tell you and mom
something I'd struggle to say

1640
01:15:41,520 --> 01:15:44,080
and which I can't even tell myself,
and it's annoying."

1641
01:15:45,440 --> 01:15:46,280
He said,

1642
01:15:48,200 --> 01:15:49,760
"I think we know, little punk."

1643
01:15:51,560 --> 01:15:54,240
"You should know that I…" And I went…
[imitates closing sound]

1644
01:15:54,720 --> 01:15:55,840
He said, "What?"

1645
01:15:55,920 --> 01:15:57,280
I said, "Don't say it."

1646
01:15:57,920 --> 01:16:01,040
He said, "I don't want to."
I go, "Don't say it."

1647
01:16:01,560 --> 01:16:02,560
"I won't say it."

1648
01:16:03,760 --> 01:16:04,840
There was a pause.

1649
01:16:05,760 --> 01:16:06,840
He just added,

1650
01:16:09,320 --> 01:16:10,800
"Have a good show, son."

1651
01:16:11,560 --> 01:16:12,400
And I said,

1652
01:16:13,840 --> 01:16:14,720
"You too."

1653
01:16:14,800 --> 01:16:16,200
[audience laughs]

1654
01:16:18,520 --> 01:16:19,360
I almost said,

1655
01:16:20,480 --> 01:16:22,440
"Thank you. Have a good evening."

1656
01:16:23,160 --> 01:16:26,240
[applause and cheering]

1657
01:16:38,400 --> 01:16:41,560
[cheering]

1658
01:16:41,640 --> 01:16:45,720
♪ Should I try to hide ♪

1659
01:16:45,800 --> 01:16:49,640
♪ The way I feel inside ♪

1660
01:16:49,720 --> 01:16:53,560
♪ My heart for you? ♪

1661
01:16:53,640 --> 01:16:57,520
♪ Would you say that you ♪

1662
01:16:57,600 --> 01:17:01,160
♪ Would try to love me too ♪

1663
01:17:01,240 --> 01:17:04,960
♪ In your mind
Could you ever be ♪

1664
01:17:05,040 --> 01:17:06,840
♪ Really close to me? ♪

1665
01:17:06,920 --> 01:17:10,520
♪ I can tell the way you smile ♪

1666
01:17:10,600 --> 01:17:14,360
♪ If I feel that I
Could be certain then ♪

1667
01:17:14,440 --> 01:17:19,520
♪ I would say the things
I want to say tonight ♪

1668
01:17:20,240 --> 01:17:23,680
♪ But 'til I can see ♪

1669
01:17:24,240 --> 01:17:27,360
♪ That you'd really care for me… ♪

1670
01:17:27,760 --> 01:17:29,080
THANK YOU TO MY MOM AND DAD

1671
01:17:29,160 --> 01:17:31,880
♪ I will dream
That someday you'll be ♪

1672
01:17:31,960 --> 01:17:33,800
♪ Really close to me ♪

1673
01:17:33,880 --> 01:17:37,680
♪ I can tell the way you smile ♪

1674
01:17:37,760 --> 01:17:41,760
♪ If I feel that I
Could be certain then ♪

1675
01:17:41,840 --> 01:17:46,960
♪ I would say the things
I want to say tonight ♪

1676
01:17:47,720 --> 01:17:51,480
♪ But 'til I can see ♪

1677
01:17:51,560 --> 01:17:55,160
♪ That you'd really care for me ♪

1678
01:17:55,240 --> 01:18:01,040
♪ I'll keep trying to hide
The way I feel inside ♪

1679
01:18:07,160 --> 01:18:09,760
[coin clatters]