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Downloaded from
YTS.MX

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Official YIFY movies site:
YTS.MX

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‎NETFLIX 喜劇特輯

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‎我不懂怎麼和女生接吻

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‎從小我就很怕

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‎很怕親女生

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‎不久前我認識一個女生，我很喜歡她

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‎第一次約會後，我沒辦法吻她

9
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‎我努力過

10
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‎但她不懂我的企圖

11
00:01:07,040 --> 00:01:08,720
‎第一次約會，我沒辦法親她

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‎第二次約會，我也做不到

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‎我們安排了第三次約會

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‎在路上，我備感壓力

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‎因為約越多次

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‎嘗試越多次

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‎壓力就越大

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‎跟考駕照一樣

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‎失敗一次

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‎咬牙再研究就是了

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‎三次呢？當公車族吧，你真麻煩

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‎有人失敗很多遍嗎？

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‎有的話請鼓掌，別害羞

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‎你也很自豪！

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‎“我們看不懂號誌！”

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‎有些人舉手，你們沒有…

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‎把指示聽完

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‎我知道你們沒考過的原因了
‎話沒聽完

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‎“現在轉…”

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‎“不是，天哪，我本來要講右邊”

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‎“你轉左邊，可惜那邊是小學”

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‎“你剛剛撞死八個學生，糟糕”

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‎“還有一名孕婦…

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‎她懷雙胞胎，所以一共十個小孩！”

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‎我這麼多次沒考過
‎都是敗在併排停車

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‎我超怕併排停車

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‎我最近發現併排停車是一種象徵

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‎很像接吻，男人要是搞砸

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‎就不是真男人，好蠢的想法

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‎接吻最變態的是

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‎不能對女生說：“等等，我再試一遍”

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‎“我要做斜角式接吻！”沒有這種事

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‎不能請人站在她身後說

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‎“再來…”

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‎“停，到聲門了”

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‎不行

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‎第三次約會

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‎我沒辦法親她

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‎我覺得神扯，回家時對室友傾訴心情

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‎我對人常有戒心

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‎但對室友不會，因為他是我摯友

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‎他陪伴我左右，因為他陰魂不散

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‎他40歲了，我很愛他

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‎我說：“我很怕親女生那一刻”

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‎他提出了他的高見

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‎“別怕親女生那一刻”

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‎我問：“然後？”他說：“沒錯”

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‎這不叫建議，這是否認，沒用

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‎-“媽，我怕黑！”
‎-“別怕，提摩西”

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‎“拜託回到洞裡”

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‎他告訴我

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‎“你怕是因為怕被拒絕”

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‎“第四次約會，你邀她來家裡
‎我會在我房間，不會偷聽”

64
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‎我就想：“特別說出來還真怪
‎不過沒關係”

65
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‎“她按門鈴，你開門”

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‎“然後引誘她多講話”

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‎“看著她的眼睛，然後插嘴”

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‎“你說…”

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‎“快幫我吸屌”

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‎沒啦，開玩笑！

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‎他告訴我…

72
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‎我整場表演都要用這種語調嗎？
‎他告訴我…

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‎“你就插嘴，說：'對不起

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‎我三分鐘後可能會親妳，繼續'”

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‎“要是她說：'不行，謝謝'，就別親”

76
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‎真是合意接吻的好技巧

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‎他說：“但要是她說…”

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‎“'好'”

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‎他說：“要是她嗓音變高
‎代表這娘們很開心”

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‎這是厭女派在1980年代用的句子

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‎像是：“她搖尾巴是好預兆”

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‎超級沒文化

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‎我只有這個建議

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‎我約她跟我第四次約會，我備感壓力

85
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‎她遲到了，因為她是美女

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‎讓我有時間在門後思考

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‎我大概知道為什麼
‎我不懂怎麼親喜歡的女生

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‎我父母是罪魁禍首

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‎他們是我唯一見證過的伴侶

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‎他們結縭30年，我從沒見過他們接吻

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‎絲毫不表達情感

92
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‎只像蠻喜歡對方的人
‎卻不是深愛對方

93
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‎他們就像同事，老闆會說

94
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‎“你們兩個

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‎星期一組成家庭讓我看”

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‎他們回：“那是老闆說的！”

97
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‎我不懂這對夫妻的相處之道

98
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‎有時我回家吃飯，我按門鈴

99
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‎他們會說：“兒子，你好！”

100
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‎和《模擬市民》遊戲很像，超怪異

101
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‎“你好嗎？”

102
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‎“本來很健康…”

103
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‎我會觀察他們，然後想
‎“你們怎麼懷上我的？”

104
00:05:22,480 --> 00:05:24,160
‎我家有六個小孩

105
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‎每三年懷上一個，我覺得太規律

106
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‎但我有個理論

107
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‎每三年

108
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‎我爸媽會租一間會議室

109
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‎他們會打扮得像…

110
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‎性愛公務員

111
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‎他們一定很公式化

112
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‎很真誠地說：“您好”

113
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‎握手，我爸大概搓了兩下

114
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‎她盛一點精泉再抹上去

115
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‎她躺著讓它流進去

116
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‎像一小杯茶

117
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‎媽咪水果茶

118
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‎那是我的理論，我也不確定

119
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‎我可以笑，她是我媽

120
00:06:08,520 --> 00:06:11,760
‎但我不喜歡你們笑，不行

121
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‎我爸媽鶼鰈情深

122
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‎他們從不互望，我喜歡拿這點氣我媽

123
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‎我喜歡氣我媽，最近是拿這一點

124
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‎我有時回家是為了氣她

125
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‎我說：“妳不愛爸，妳從不看他”

126
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‎“告訴我沒關係
‎我是妳兒子，來聊聊吧”

127
00:06:29,640 --> 00:06:32,360
‎她理智線會斷掉，
‎“胡說什麼？幹嘛這樣講？”

128
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‎他在2公尺外時，我會問
‎“妳不愛他嗎？”

129
00:06:37,440 --> 00:06:40,680
‎“就算我在睡覺，告訴我也沒關係
‎來談心吧！”

130
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‎她總崩潰地說

131
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‎“你這無知的小混混”

132
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‎她說：“帕納約提斯
‎愛不是看對方的眼睛就好”

133
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‎“是要望向同一個方向”

134
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‎“同一個方向”

135
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‎我很感動

136
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‎她這句話很讓我感動
‎但我沒表現出來

137
00:07:01,680 --> 00:07:03,160
‎我回應的方式很奇怪

138
00:07:03,680 --> 00:07:05,400
‎我推了我媽一把

139
00:07:06,280 --> 00:07:08,480
‎我說：“妳在胡說八道！”

140
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‎我對著她尖叫

141
00:07:10,600 --> 00:07:12,000
‎語氣很惱怒

142
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‎像個種族歧視的老太太

143
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‎晚上會開百葉窗的老太太的聲音

144
00:07:17,440 --> 00:07:18,440
‎“阿拉伯人太多了！”

145
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‎大家都認識這種人吧？
‎那是我自然發出來的聲音

146
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‎最慘的是，她說得對

147
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‎我媽啦！是我媽說得對！

148
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‎抱歉，講太快

149
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‎我會搞混是因為她們是同一個人
‎但真是…

150
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‎開玩笑的！好！

151
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‎我最近領悟她說“望向同一個方向”
‎是什麼意思

152
00:07:41,200 --> 00:07:43,280
‎我們在我爸媽家吃晚餐

153
00:07:43,800 --> 00:07:47,480
‎大家安靜地吃飯
‎因為不懂怎麼和彼此溝通

154
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‎而且…

155
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‎過去15年，每年夏天

156
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‎我媽都會租池邊度假屋
‎好讓我爸釣魚

157
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‎這是愛嗎？我不知道

158
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‎她今年很晚訂
‎所以租不到池邊度假屋

159
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‎當時我們不知道，大家都沒說話

160
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‎我媽心底很難過

161
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‎她盯著我爸，深呼吸之後說

162
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‎“有件事

163
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‎我很抱歉，我還沒租到池邊度假屋”

164
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‎他在吃飯

165
00:08:20,240 --> 00:08:21,560
‎他回：“所以呢？”

166
00:08:23,280 --> 00:08:24,600
‎她說：“嗯…

167
00:08:25,760 --> 00:08:28,960
‎我還沒找到池邊度假屋讓你釣魚”

168
00:08:29,640 --> 00:08:31,000
‎他回：“所以呢？”

169
00:08:32,440 --> 00:08:34,040
‎她說：“嗯

170
00:08:35,440 --> 00:08:37,120
‎他是腦子進水嗎？”

171
00:08:38,840 --> 00:08:40,480
‎“因為你喜歡釣魚”

172
00:08:41,000 --> 00:08:42,000
‎他說：“沒有”

173
00:08:44,920 --> 00:08:46,920
‎我媽的眼皮狂跳

174
00:08:47,520 --> 00:08:48,480
‎她說：“有”

175
00:08:49,280 --> 00:08:53,000
‎“你的確喜歡，15年來
‎我租池邊小屋，就是讓你去釣魚的”

176
00:08:53,080 --> 00:08:54,520
‎“我15年來一直去釣魚

177
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‎是因為過去15年
‎妳一直租池邊小屋！

178
00:08:57,680 --> 00:08:59,600
‎普瓦圖夏朗德根本沒其他事可做！”

179
00:08:59,680 --> 00:09:02,240
‎他開始發抖，起身去睡覺

180
00:09:02,760 --> 00:09:04,720
‎我在吃飯，聽了整個失控

181
00:09:05,360 --> 00:09:07,800
‎我問他們：“這叫望向同一個方向？”

182
00:09:09,360 --> 00:09:10,400
‎“你們有人鬥雞眼”

183
00:09:11,840 --> 00:09:12,680
‎“要小心”

184
00:09:15,040 --> 00:09:17,680
‎有這種榜樣，我當然無法親心上人

185
00:09:17,760 --> 00:09:19,240
‎我在努力，但還沒成功

186
00:09:19,720 --> 00:09:21,960
‎我在門後等第四次約會

187
00:09:22,040 --> 00:09:24,200
‎我親她臉頰，引誘她說話

188
00:09:24,280 --> 00:09:25,360
‎她長得很漂亮

189
00:09:25,440 --> 00:09:26,760
‎我努力裝酷

190
00:09:28,320 --> 00:09:31,400
‎我必須打斷她說話
‎這是我室友的三分鐘技巧

191
00:09:31,960 --> 00:09:32,880
‎但我很害羞

192
00:09:33,600 --> 00:09:35,840
‎我很少會這樣
‎只有喜歡對方時才會緊張

193
00:09:35,920 --> 00:09:37,240
‎所以我為自己打氣

194
00:09:37,320 --> 00:09:38,800
‎“加油，你做得到”

195
00:09:40,040 --> 00:09:43,680
‎“插嘴就好，又不難，倒數開始”

196
00:09:45,440 --> 00:09:46,280
‎“一百”

197
00:09:48,200 --> 00:09:49,560
‎我望著她說…

198
00:09:50,160 --> 00:09:51,000
‎“嘿！”

199
00:09:51,520 --> 00:09:53,080
‎太激動了！

200
00:09:53,160 --> 00:09:54,560
‎她挑起來看著我

201
00:09:54,640 --> 00:09:55,720
‎我發誓這是真的

202
00:09:55,800 --> 00:09:57,800
‎我不知所措地說：“嘿！”

203
00:10:00,480 --> 00:10:01,520
‎“妳好嗎？”

204
00:10:01,600 --> 00:10:03,400
‎我說：“我要上廁所”

205
00:10:04,240 --> 00:10:06,760
‎我靈機一動，雙手這樣擺動

206
00:10:06,840 --> 00:10:08,520
‎我把自己鎖在廁所

207
00:10:08,600 --> 00:10:11,240
‎我問自己十秒：“你怎麼搞的？”

208
00:10:11,760 --> 00:10:12,720
‎“發生什麼事？”

209
00:10:12,800 --> 00:10:14,800
‎新的恐懼油然而生，我想

210
00:10:15,800 --> 00:10:18,400
‎“她會聽到我什麼事都沒做
‎她不會相信我！”

211
00:10:18,920 --> 00:10:21,320
‎我想出個辦法，我清空牙刷架

212
00:10:21,400 --> 00:10:22,960
‎裡面裝滿水，然後

213
00:10:24,800 --> 00:10:25,640
‎把水倒下去

214
00:10:26,720 --> 00:10:28,960
‎我想：“去看心理醫師，帕納約提斯”

215
00:10:29,640 --> 00:10:30,480
‎“該是時候了”

216
00:10:31,080 --> 00:10:34,880
‎“你為了一個女生假小尿一下
‎但她根本不在乎”

217
00:10:34,960 --> 00:10:37,040
‎只是因為怕接吻，你真的有病”

218
00:10:38,320 --> 00:10:40,440
‎我備感壓力，回到起居室

219
00:10:41,120 --> 00:10:42,160
‎我需要尿尿

220
00:10:42,240 --> 00:10:45,080
‎因為水滴進馬桶的聲音就像尿尿

221
00:10:45,160 --> 00:10:46,240
‎所以我…

222
00:10:46,320 --> 00:10:48,760
‎我不能連續衝兩次水
‎然後說：“不是啦…”

223
00:10:49,400 --> 00:10:52,560
‎“妳誤會了，我不喜歡噴尿”

224
00:10:54,040 --> 00:10:56,920
‎“我喜歡兩次簡短的小尿
‎還要中場休息”

225
00:10:57,000 --> 00:10:58,960
‎“所以我會先進行第一尿”

226
00:10:59,480 --> 00:11:03,080
‎再刻意停下來，尿意來了再繼續”

227
00:11:03,800 --> 00:11:05,160
‎“那就是第二尿”

228
00:11:05,240 --> 00:11:08,600
‎“別學我，這是我的特殊癖好”

229
00:11:08,680 --> 00:11:09,880
‎“我的私密花園”

230
00:11:10,720 --> 00:11:11,560
‎不行

231
00:11:12,360 --> 00:11:13,880
‎我回到起居室

232
00:11:14,480 --> 00:11:15,440
‎汗如雨下

233
00:11:16,320 --> 00:11:19,240
‎我看著她，不知所措，卸下防備

234
00:11:19,320 --> 00:11:21,160
‎我打斷她的話，我說：“抱歉”

235
00:11:21,720 --> 00:11:23,960
‎“我三分鐘內可能會親妳”

236
00:11:24,040 --> 00:11:24,880
‎“繼續”

237
00:11:26,520 --> 00:11:27,440
‎好個種馬！

238
00:11:29,080 --> 00:11:29,920
‎她就…

239
00:11:35,680 --> 00:11:37,240
‎“你真是怪咖！”

240
00:11:40,200 --> 00:11:41,040
‎“好”

241
00:11:46,480 --> 00:11:47,560
‎我變得超級沒文化

242
00:11:47,640 --> 00:11:50,400
‎因為我心裡想：“拉高嗓音吧！”

243
00:11:50,480 --> 00:11:52,120
‎“甜心，來吧！”

244
00:11:52,200 --> 00:11:54,400
‎我們馬上變成小屁孩！

245
00:11:55,640 --> 00:11:58,440
‎她的眼神說明她也想要

246
00:11:59,200 --> 00:12:02,000
‎那時我不怕被拒絕，氣氛很融洽

247
00:12:02,080 --> 00:12:03,760
‎過了兩分鐘，我的心跳加快

248
00:12:04,280 --> 00:12:06,760
‎2分30秒…40秒

249
00:12:07,280 --> 00:12:08,120
‎50秒

250
00:12:09,320 --> 00:12:10,320
‎13分鐘

251
00:12:11,560 --> 00:12:14,120
‎她望著我說：“不是說要…”

252
00:12:15,760 --> 00:12:16,960
‎我沒辦法親她

253
00:12:18,040 --> 00:12:19,320
‎我聽得到你們說話！

254
00:12:20,400 --> 00:12:21,320
‎我才不怕！

255
00:12:21,840 --> 00:12:24,920
‎我不怕接吻，我怕有玻璃心

256
00:12:25,440 --> 00:12:27,280
‎我深信接吻時…

257
00:12:27,360 --> 00:12:30,440
‎我是指真的接吻
‎這不常發生，但我分辨得出來

258
00:12:30,520 --> 00:12:32,200
‎我會焦慮不安

259
00:12:32,720 --> 00:12:35,320
‎這是你畢生最脆弱的一刻

260
00:12:35,400 --> 00:12:36,720
‎因為做了這個有象徵意義

261
00:12:37,240 --> 00:12:39,720
‎也很蠢的一個動作…

262
00:12:41,440 --> 00:12:43,080
‎你會把對這個人幾週或幾個月
‎累積的感受

263
00:12:43,160 --> 00:12:45,880
‎盡情發洩出來

264
00:12:45,960 --> 00:12:49,040
‎你找到勇氣，把情感雙手奉上

265
00:12:49,600 --> 00:12:51,160
‎你看著對方的雙眼

266
00:12:51,240 --> 00:12:54,800
‎在對的時間
‎耐心又卑微地讓對方知道你的感覺

267
00:12:55,920 --> 00:12:57,720
‎可怕的是，她可能會說

268
00:12:58,640 --> 00:12:59,480
‎“不行！”

269
00:13:00,200 --> 00:13:02,440
‎你應該會說：“很順利，小事一件！”

270
00:13:03,800 --> 00:13:04,720
‎“這種事很難免”

271
00:13:04,800 --> 00:13:07,720
‎“沒錯，妳在開玩笑吧？
‎不入虎穴，焉得虎子”

272
00:13:07,800 --> 00:13:09,640
‎“對，希爾薇，妳開玩笑的吧？”

273
00:13:10,880 --> 00:13:13,720
‎“我可以去睡覺嗎？我今天好累”

274
00:13:13,800 --> 00:13:15,960
‎“要我撿起來？沒問題”

275
00:13:16,040 --> 00:13:17,920
‎“妳開玩笑吧？我很愛整潔”

276
00:13:18,000 --> 00:13:21,360
‎“不，它碎了，但碎的是我的自信”

277
00:13:21,440 --> 00:13:22,400
‎我怕死了

278
00:13:24,280 --> 00:13:25,520
‎怕得不要不要的

279
00:13:26,280 --> 00:13:29,120
‎我最近聽到，接吻的時候

280
00:13:29,200 --> 00:13:30,440
‎細菌…

281
00:13:30,520 --> 00:13:32,320
‎你們聽了會不高興

282
00:13:32,880 --> 00:13:35,360
‎對方嘴裡的細菌

283
00:13:35,440 --> 00:13:37,480
‎在接吻後，會留在你身上四年

284
00:13:39,080 --> 00:13:42,000
‎親過魯蛇的人會問：“什麼？”

285
00:13:43,080 --> 00:13:46,080
‎“這個把T恤紮進褲子的人
‎在說什麼？自以為是賈伯斯嗎？”

286
00:13:46,600 --> 00:13:47,640
‎這是真的

287
00:13:48,400 --> 00:13:49,720
‎回家查一下就知道

288
00:13:50,280 --> 00:13:52,320
‎你的嘴巴充滿人生過客的痕跡

289
00:13:52,880 --> 00:13:54,320
‎你的嘴就是Airbnb

290
00:13:55,560 --> 00:13:56,920
‎我是小型度假屋

291
00:13:57,800 --> 00:13:59,800
‎訪客不多，地點在普瓦圖夏朗德

292
00:14:00,880 --> 00:14:01,760
‎“大家好！”

293
00:14:02,600 --> 00:14:05,960
‎“歡迎來到三薰衣草租屋！”

294
00:14:06,880 --> 00:14:08,240
‎“旅途還愉快嗎？”

295
00:14:09,960 --> 00:14:10,800
‎那就是我

296
00:14:18,120 --> 00:14:19,120
‎我做不到

297
00:14:19,840 --> 00:14:22,440
‎接吻失敗最能打擊男人

298
00:14:23,280 --> 00:14:25,040
‎她隔天早上要工作

299
00:14:25,120 --> 00:14:28,200
‎我送她到門口，她最後一次停步

300
00:14:30,160 --> 00:14:32,080
‎我親了她的臉頰，糟透了

301
00:14:32,560 --> 00:14:35,040
‎她說：“那下次見”

302
00:14:35,560 --> 00:14:36,400
‎我說：“好”

303
00:14:37,680 --> 00:14:39,280
‎然後把門用力關上

304
00:14:40,400 --> 00:14:42,520
‎看起來像在拍她屁股，不是啦

305
00:14:43,720 --> 00:14:44,800
‎只是我不會比手勢

306
00:14:45,600 --> 00:14:47,880
‎這傢伙不會接吻
‎但會說：“快點，公主”

307
00:14:48,440 --> 00:14:51,520
‎“快滾，不然就趕妳出去
‎回家時注意安全”

308
00:14:51,600 --> 00:14:54,560
‎我只是不會比手勢，不知道怎麼關門

309
00:14:56,280 --> 00:14:58,240
‎也許我看起來像手勢大師…

310
00:14:59,320 --> 00:15:01,440
‎其實根本不是

311
00:15:02,240 --> 00:15:03,520
‎我會這樣關門，好

312
00:15:03,600 --> 00:15:07,240
‎之後我室友馬上開門問
‎“怎麼回事？”

313
00:15:07,760 --> 00:15:09,680
‎-“我知道你在偷聽”
‎-“對”

314
00:15:10,520 --> 00:15:11,840
‎他不說謊了

315
00:15:11,920 --> 00:15:14,800
‎他正面臨中年危機，他只說實話

316
00:15:15,320 --> 00:15:17,320
‎他說：“我聽到了，她嗓音有拉高”

317
00:15:17,920 --> 00:15:21,480
‎“她也想接吻
‎所以你的恐懼是心理作用”

318
00:15:22,240 --> 00:15:25,280
‎我受不了這句話
‎我說：“你不是我爸！”

319
00:15:26,840 --> 00:15:28,720
‎他罰我去睡覺

320
00:15:30,240 --> 00:15:31,240
‎我睡不著

321
00:15:32,000 --> 00:15:35,920
‎我失眠了，感覺快瘋掉
‎其實我聽夠了這個字

322
00:15:36,680 --> 00:15:38,480
‎失眠，真是大謊話

323
00:15:39,200 --> 00:15:41,440
‎它徹底隱瞞事實

324
00:15:42,440 --> 00:15:45,760
‎-“你一臉疲憊，伯特蘭德！”
‎-“對，我失眠了，沒關係”

325
00:15:46,560 --> 00:15:47,640
‎實話實說吧

326
00:15:48,160 --> 00:15:49,720
‎要學著說：“沒錯”

327
00:15:49,800 --> 00:15:52,080
‎“我遇到人生難題

328
00:15:52,160 --> 00:15:54,160
‎但白天無法思考”

329
00:15:55,760 --> 00:15:57,240
‎“所以我晚上才想”

330
00:15:57,840 --> 00:15:58,680
‎“我還會哭”

331
00:15:59,720 --> 00:16:02,560
‎“因為我躺在床上
‎所以眼淚流進耳朵裡

332
00:16:03,760 --> 00:16:05,440
‎讓我聽到自己的悲傷”

333
00:16:06,520 --> 00:16:08,120
‎“你週末在塞文過得怎樣？”

334
00:16:12,120 --> 00:16:13,440
‎不可能更差

335
00:16:15,960 --> 00:16:16,920
‎說說而已

336
00:16:17,880 --> 00:16:18,720
‎這讓我很生氣

337
00:16:18,800 --> 00:16:22,080
‎我爸以前常對我們說
‎“你們在胡思亂想”

338
00:16:22,560 --> 00:16:24,640
‎我們去看他時
‎他總問：“你很難過？”

339
00:16:26,000 --> 00:16:27,280
‎“你在胡思亂想”

340
00:16:28,240 --> 00:16:30,600
‎“沒必要哭，哭也沒有用”

341
00:16:31,920 --> 00:16:32,760
‎“肋骨劇痛？”

342
00:16:34,160 --> 00:16:35,480
‎“你在胡思亂想”

343
00:16:36,000 --> 00:16:38,240
‎-“我在流血”
‎-“你在胡思亂想”

344
00:16:38,760 --> 00:16:41,200
‎“我在胡思亂想，血流出來了”

345
00:16:42,360 --> 00:16:45,440
‎我爸對男性的觀點很傳統

346
00:16:45,960 --> 00:16:48,000
‎我爸覺得男人要堅強

347
00:16:48,080 --> 00:16:50,680
‎有信心，風趣，有點好色

348
00:16:50,760 --> 00:16:51,840
‎但絕不脆弱

349
00:16:52,360 --> 00:16:54,000
‎我爸這一生拒絕接受兩件事

350
00:16:54,080 --> 00:16:56,560
‎他拒絕有感受，他覺得那不存在

351
00:16:57,120 --> 00:16:58,080
‎還有減速丘

352
00:16:59,200 --> 00:17:00,600
‎那也不存在

353
00:17:00,680 --> 00:17:03,320
‎我們會以時速70公里開過減速丘

354
00:17:03,400 --> 00:17:06,040
‎-“剛剛有減速丘”
‎-“幹嘛這麼說？”

355
00:17:06,560 --> 00:17:09,920
‎我必須和他爭辯額頭有沒有撞到車頂

356
00:17:10,440 --> 00:17:12,840
‎讓我受不了，不久之前

357
00:17:12,920 --> 00:17:15,440
‎我們離開餐廳時，他點了咖啡外帶

358
00:17:15,960 --> 00:17:17,280
‎我搞不懂原因

359
00:17:17,360 --> 00:17:20,400
‎現在他總說：“外帶，我沒時間”

360
00:17:20,920 --> 00:17:21,760
‎他有時間

361
00:17:22,520 --> 00:17:23,760
‎我知道他的行程

362
00:17:24,720 --> 00:17:26,280
‎時間很多，但都浪費掉了

363
00:17:27,160 --> 00:17:28,920
‎我們坐在車裡，他拿著咖啡

364
00:17:29,000 --> 00:17:30,240
‎我們開過減速丘

365
00:17:30,320 --> 00:17:31,960
‎我看到他的大腿

366
00:17:32,040 --> 00:17:34,000
‎有一點咖啡漬

367
00:17:34,960 --> 00:17:36,920
‎我氣瘋了
‎“剛剛是不是開過減速丘？”

368
00:17:37,440 --> 00:17:39,120
‎“好，抱歉，問你一下”

369
00:17:39,640 --> 00:17:41,760
‎“你大腿上怎麼有咖啡漬？”

370
00:17:42,280 --> 00:17:44,400
‎他回…我沒說笑

371
00:17:45,000 --> 00:17:46,880
‎這是我人生重要的一刻

372
00:17:47,680 --> 00:17:48,520
‎他對我說…

373
00:17:53,520 --> 00:17:55,440
‎“我就是這樣喝咖啡的”

374
00:18:01,040 --> 00:18:02,880
‎他毫不在乎了

375
00:18:03,640 --> 00:18:05,680
‎最扯的是，他覺得這就是男人

376
00:18:05,760 --> 00:18:07,960
‎“我是對的，因為我說了算！”

377
00:18:08,680 --> 00:18:10,920
‎他很早就教我們這一套！

378
00:18:11,440 --> 00:18:15,280
‎我當時八歲，在度假屋過節

379
00:18:19,040 --> 00:18:20,840
‎你們在笑我的人生，但沒關係

380
00:18:21,360 --> 00:18:24,560
‎我、我的兄弟和我爸在林中散步

381
00:18:24,640 --> 00:18:26,280
‎那段散步不有趣，也沒有教育性

382
00:18:26,360 --> 00:18:28,920
‎不像各位童年時那樣，讓我很失望

383
00:18:29,000 --> 00:18:30,120
‎像是：“孩子們快來！”

384
00:18:34,200 --> 00:18:35,400
‎“這裡有一棵針葉樹”

385
00:18:36,720 --> 00:18:39,080
‎不是，雖然對樹輕聲細語很蠢

386
00:18:39,600 --> 00:18:41,840
‎我們只是一個接一個

387
00:18:41,920 --> 00:18:43,880
‎在林子裡默默走了45分鐘

388
00:18:43,960 --> 00:18:45,040
‎我們很怕！

389
00:18:45,120 --> 00:18:46,200
‎我們是人質

390
00:18:47,040 --> 00:18:48,480
‎雙腳在拉筋，說著

391
00:18:48,560 --> 00:18:52,600
‎“哥倫比亞革命軍真好
‎每天讓我們運動五分鐘”

392
00:18:52,680 --> 00:18:55,000
‎“不像英格麗德那時”

393
00:18:55,520 --> 00:18:59,600
‎我有個弟弟在哭，惹怒我爸
‎他說：“嘿！”

394
00:19:00,680 --> 00:19:01,520
‎“不准哭”

395
00:19:02,360 --> 00:19:04,960
‎就教育觀點而言，這招根本沒效

396
00:19:05,560 --> 00:19:08,640
‎絕不會有小孩回：“好！”

397
00:19:10,040 --> 00:19:12,520
‎“真蠢！我從沒這樣想過！”

398
00:19:14,240 --> 00:19:15,840
‎“水龍頭關掉了！”

399
00:19:16,400 --> 00:19:18,120
‎“幸會，您是？”

400
00:19:18,200 --> 00:19:20,000
‎“你爸啦！”

401
00:19:20,080 --> 00:19:20,920
‎不會的

402
00:19:22,320 --> 00:19:24,800
‎如果小孩這樣回你，快跑吧

403
00:19:25,440 --> 00:19:28,280
‎他很高傲，會嘲笑你，不是好現象

404
00:19:29,040 --> 00:19:29,960
‎他繼續哭

405
00:19:30,040 --> 00:19:33,480
‎我爸覺得很煩，他對他說：“嘿”

406
00:19:35,480 --> 00:19:39,360
‎“你在胡思亂想，不必讓別人看到”

407
00:19:40,760 --> 00:19:44,320
‎他頓了一下
‎看著我們說：“教你們一個道理”

408
00:19:45,520 --> 00:19:46,640
‎他把褲子脫掉

409
00:19:47,840 --> 00:19:50,040
‎放心，完全不會講到那裡去

410
00:19:50,920 --> 00:19:52,840
‎在我所有的童年故事裡

411
00:19:52,920 --> 00:19:55,160
‎我爸總穿著四角褲
‎但每個人的爸爸都有怪癖

412
00:19:55,720 --> 00:19:57,960
‎他脫下褲子說：“嘿！”

413
00:19:58,800 --> 00:20:00,040
‎“你們看好！”

414
00:20:01,040 --> 00:20:03,000
‎他沒喝醉，他講話就是這樣

415
00:20:03,520 --> 00:20:06,600
‎我們看著爸穿著四角褲走進林子裡

416
00:20:08,440 --> 00:20:10,200
‎像黃鼠狼一樣自然

417
00:20:10,720 --> 00:20:13,600
‎他體毛很多，我們也不懂為什麼

418
00:20:13,680 --> 00:20:16,000
‎他走進20公尺後，停下來說：“嘿！”

419
00:20:17,040 --> 00:20:18,880
‎“水溝裡有蕁麻！”

420
00:20:20,000 --> 00:20:20,880
‎他走進去

421
00:20:21,960 --> 00:20:23,440
‎他在水溝裡到處磨蹭

422
00:20:23,520 --> 00:20:26,280
‎我們只看到他的胸部，又怪又可怕

423
00:20:26,960 --> 00:20:29,480
‎他上來後，向我弟走去，“嘿！”

424
00:20:36,920 --> 00:20:37,760
‎“我有哭嗎？”

425
00:20:38,960 --> 00:20:42,360
‎我們心想：“誰來打給兒童保護處？”

426
00:20:43,040 --> 00:20:46,000
‎“一次就好，雖然我們會分開
‎但至少很安全”

427
00:20:47,120 --> 00:20:49,120
‎沒有，我們害怕地說：“沒有”

428
00:20:49,640 --> 00:20:51,800
‎-“你沒有哭”
‎-“我沒有哭吧？”

429
00:20:53,280 --> 00:20:57,000
‎“這才叫男人，就算想哭也不哭”

430
00:21:00,000 --> 00:21:04,640
‎“顯露出感覺的話
‎這世界會把你生吞活剝”

431
00:21:06,040 --> 00:21:06,880
‎“懂吧？”

432
00:21:07,960 --> 00:21:11,320
‎接著我們輪流哭了起來

433
00:21:12,440 --> 00:21:15,080
‎這個高大的男人皮膚紅癢
‎嚇到我們了

434
00:21:15,720 --> 00:21:18,240
‎他說：“你們哪裡不懂？”

435
00:21:18,320 --> 00:21:20,800
‎就向《搶救貧窮大作戰》裡法國廚師

436
00:21:20,880 --> 00:21:24,200
‎我媽本來要和我們碰面
‎遠遠看到這幅景象

437
00:21:24,280 --> 00:21:26,040
‎他老公穿著四角褲

438
00:21:26,120 --> 00:21:29,800
‎在嚎啕大哭的小孩面前哭泣
‎手足無措

439
00:21:30,320 --> 00:21:32,480
‎我弟莫名其妙也脫了褲子

440
00:21:34,040 --> 00:21:35,840
‎每個家庭都有個怪胎

441
00:21:36,360 --> 00:21:38,960
‎他在沒人看的時候脫了褲子

442
00:21:39,040 --> 00:21:40,320
‎“媽！”

443
00:21:41,360 --> 00:21:42,680
‎“媽，妳看！”

444
00:21:44,120 --> 00:21:46,200
‎那是我弟…其實是我

445
00:21:47,680 --> 00:21:49,640
‎我很早就發現了我的使命

446
00:21:51,040 --> 00:21:55,040
‎爸媽那天大吵一架
‎我發現夫妻之間一件重要的事

447
00:21:55,120 --> 00:21:57,240
‎就長期而言，我們通常

448
00:21:57,320 --> 00:21:59,320
‎和被個性相反的人吸引

449
00:21:59,400 --> 00:22:00,560
‎我不知道為什麼

450
00:22:01,760 --> 00:22:04,320
‎我爸媽就是這樣，我爸是悶葫蘆

451
00:22:04,400 --> 00:22:05,840
‎會壓抑和埋葬他的感覺

452
00:22:06,360 --> 00:22:09,480
‎我媽有感覺的時候
‎她會說：“接受吧

453
00:22:10,320 --> 00:22:12,120
‎用我的靈魂做你想做的事”

454
00:22:12,640 --> 00:22:16,720
‎“先生，離開之前請拉這條線
‎那是我生命線”

455
00:22:17,680 --> 00:22:18,880
‎她從事音樂劇

456
00:22:20,600 --> 00:22:23,680
‎她總過早把所有感覺表現出來
‎對誰都一樣

457
00:22:25,440 --> 00:22:29,440
‎讓人不舒服，像意外認識天體族一樣

458
00:22:30,480 --> 00:22:31,720
‎你們懂那種感覺？

459
00:22:31,800 --> 00:22:33,800
‎你走在沙灘上…

460
00:22:36,160 --> 00:22:37,200
‎沙灘空無一人

461
00:22:37,280 --> 00:22:38,840
‎他離你1.5公尺

462
00:22:38,920 --> 00:22:40,880
‎然後自我介紹
‎“你好，我是尚克勞德”

463
00:22:40,960 --> 00:22:41,800
‎好的！

464
00:22:42,840 --> 00:22:47,080
‎“我看過你的屌
‎那就不必知道名字了”

465
00:22:47,800 --> 00:22:51,080
‎“你該學習排列資訊的先後順序
‎這很重要”

466
00:22:53,360 --> 00:22:54,200
‎這是一樣的

467
00:22:54,800 --> 00:22:58,120
‎兩者感覺一樣，一下子接收太多資訊

468
00:22:59,600 --> 00:23:00,920
‎我們最近去旅行

469
00:23:01,000 --> 00:23:03,760
‎和場地經理共進晚餐

470
00:23:04,280 --> 00:23:06,600
‎有位先生遲到

471
00:23:06,680 --> 00:23:08,800
‎他透露太多資訊，情緒很激動

472
00:23:08,880 --> 00:23:11,960
‎我覺得不自在，他進來後說
‎“很高興認識你，我是蓋伊”

473
00:23:12,040 --> 00:23:13,200
‎“抱歉，我有點遲到”

474
00:23:13,280 --> 00:23:15,840
‎“我在和我妻子簽離婚協議書”

475
00:23:16,640 --> 00:23:19,280
‎“其實是前妻
‎各位，我會吹單簧管！”

476
00:23:20,840 --> 00:23:24,680
‎晚餐過程中，我們都在想
‎“蓋伊，幫你的情緒穿上三角褲吧”

477
00:23:25,960 --> 00:23:27,960
‎“你的情緒睪丸都露出來了”

478
00:23:29,080 --> 00:23:30,040
‎“時機太早了”

479
00:23:31,160 --> 00:23:33,520
‎我媽很早就分享她的感受

480
00:23:34,480 --> 00:23:38,280
‎我念中學時，她引發了我的存在危機

481
00:23:38,920 --> 00:23:42,120
‎我們兩個在車裡，要去音樂學校

482
00:23:42,640 --> 00:23:44,480
‎我打算坐後面，很正常

483
00:23:45,000 --> 00:23:47,960
‎她擋住車門，說：“你知道嗎？”

484
00:23:48,520 --> 00:23:49,560
‎“坐前座”

485
00:23:50,440 --> 00:23:51,560
‎那是我這輩子第一次！

486
00:23:51,640 --> 00:23:53,840
‎你們記得那是多重大的一步嗎？

487
00:23:54,560 --> 00:23:55,400
‎我說

488
00:23:56,600 --> 00:23:57,440
‎“妳確定？”

489
00:23:58,120 --> 00:23:58,960
‎她說

490
00:23:59,760 --> 00:24:00,720
‎“對，我確定”

491
00:24:02,720 --> 00:24:04,120
‎“那我們幹嘛這麼小聲？”

492
00:24:05,160 --> 00:24:07,320
‎我上車後喜不自勝

493
00:24:07,840 --> 00:24:11,240
‎我大喊：“我們到了”，非常開心

494
00:24:12,000 --> 00:24:14,520
‎我馬上想：“我要開始繳稅了”

495
00:24:15,680 --> 00:24:17,240
‎我從小就怕繳稅

496
00:24:17,840 --> 00:24:20,520
‎我爸總在我們面前打開稅單，他說

497
00:24:20,600 --> 00:24:24,000
‎“好好享受童年，有一天他們來抓你”

498
00:24:24,920 --> 00:24:27,880
‎說完上床睡覺，讓我們感覺詭譎神秘

499
00:24:28,400 --> 00:24:32,280
‎每隔一晚，我和我弟坐在沙發上
‎都會問：“稅要來了嗎？”

500
00:24:33,000 --> 00:24:35,080
‎“我不知道流程，我不懂”

501
00:24:37,400 --> 00:24:40,000
‎我們和媽坐在車上
‎準備要離開，天氣有點熱

502
00:24:40,080 --> 00:24:43,560
‎我很開心，因為我要打開前座窗戶

503
00:24:44,280 --> 00:24:46,200
‎後座的窗戶是給魯蛇用的

504
00:24:47,000 --> 00:24:48,080
‎在後座，是…

505
00:24:50,760 --> 00:24:53,720
‎“我沒錢裝自動系統”

506
00:24:54,440 --> 00:24:56,680
‎“我很努力工作”

507
00:24:56,760 --> 00:24:57,600
‎窮人

508
00:24:58,200 --> 00:24:59,920
‎記得當你發現…

509
00:25:03,800 --> 00:25:06,040
‎你突然對別人很傲慢

510
00:25:06,560 --> 00:25:09,960
‎嘲笑後座的人
‎“風太大告訴我，我就關窗戶”

511
00:25:15,560 --> 00:25:17,240
‎我很不會比手勢，抱歉

512
00:25:20,720 --> 00:25:23,520
‎這樣真像用手指戳牛眼

513
00:25:27,400 --> 00:25:30,640
‎不知道牠享不享受，看不出來

514
00:25:30,720 --> 00:25:32,080
‎“不要，住手！”

515
00:25:32,160 --> 00:25:34,840
‎或說：“天哪！”

516
00:25:37,400 --> 00:25:41,240
‎“還要！另一隻也要！好棒！”

517
00:25:46,720 --> 00:25:49,040
‎我可以繼續講五分鐘，但我看得出

518
00:25:49,560 --> 00:25:51,560
‎再說下去就過頭了

519
00:25:52,600 --> 00:25:54,480
‎我需要大家的意見，這很重要

520
00:25:58,800 --> 00:26:00,600
‎我不會再…不會！

521
00:26:00,680 --> 00:26:01,520
‎這…

522
00:26:07,320 --> 00:26:10,480
‎白目的噪音贏得的掌聲比笑話多
‎我不知該做何感想

523
00:26:10,560 --> 00:26:12,960
‎但我認同大家的感受，我們想法一致

524
00:26:14,200 --> 00:26:17,040
‎真的，用手指戳牛眼…抱歉

525
00:26:17,560 --> 00:26:19,680
‎我不說了，我確定牠不會有反應

526
00:26:20,680 --> 00:26:22,880
‎我願意賭，我確定

527
00:26:22,960 --> 00:26:23,920
‎去牧場試試

528
00:26:24,680 --> 00:26:25,600
‎牠會…

529
00:26:32,040 --> 00:26:34,360
‎“可惡，右眼看不到，他媽…”

530
00:26:35,760 --> 00:26:36,600
‎“可惡！”

531
00:26:40,680 --> 00:26:43,720
‎“我發誓有樹，我看不到，好怪！”

532
00:26:44,240 --> 00:26:45,120
‎“天哪！”

533
00:26:46,120 --> 00:26:48,960
‎“樹回來了！沒事了！”

534
00:26:50,200 --> 00:26:52,400
‎好，回到主題，你們分心了

535
00:26:54,160 --> 00:26:55,440
‎我把窗戶搖下來

536
00:26:55,520 --> 00:26:57,120
‎我和我媽在車上

537
00:26:58,120 --> 00:26:59,240
‎我把窗戶搖下來

538
00:26:59,880 --> 00:27:02,760
‎我頭上感受得到夏日暖風

539
00:27:03,560 --> 00:27:05,320
‎我有個很蠢的想法

540
00:27:05,400 --> 00:27:08,160
‎你們可以去參考美國電影的開場

541
00:27:08,240 --> 00:27:11,600
‎荒蕪的道路，兩個皮衣猛男
‎戴著雷朋墨鏡，開著凱迪拉克

542
00:27:12,120 --> 00:27:13,840
‎大聲播放搖滾樂

543
00:27:13,920 --> 00:27:15,960
‎他們搖下窗戶，張開雙臂喊著

544
00:27:16,960 --> 00:27:18,960
‎“自由！”

545
00:27:19,040 --> 00:27:20,520
‎我超想照做

546
00:27:21,600 --> 00:27:25,200
‎我搖下一點點
‎我媽只准我搖下這麼一點點

547
00:27:26,040 --> 00:27:27,040
‎所以我小心翼翼

548
00:27:28,240 --> 00:27:30,280
‎我這樣子伸出三根指頭

549
00:27:31,120 --> 00:27:34,080
‎像一隻想逃出日本餐廳的章魚

550
00:27:34,600 --> 00:27:35,960
‎我邊看我媽邊說…

551
00:27:38,520 --> 00:27:40,320
‎“自由！”

552
00:27:40,400 --> 00:27:42,080
‎“但只有一點點！”

553
00:27:42,760 --> 00:27:45,280
‎我媽搖下她那邊的車窗，我被吸出去

554
00:27:45,360 --> 00:27:47,080
‎她大概想要我跳車

555
00:27:47,800 --> 00:27:50,360
‎我把手臂全部伸出窗外

556
00:27:51,920 --> 00:27:55,040
‎我有個想法！
‎我對自己說：“我做得到”

557
00:27:56,000 --> 00:27:58,680
‎我才不在…我把手伸到車頂

558
00:27:59,520 --> 00:28:02,680
‎對自己說：“大哥，放輕鬆”

559
00:28:03,800 --> 00:28:05,760
‎“稅會殺死你，要小心”

560
00:28:08,320 --> 00:28:09,800
‎我媽放著音樂

561
00:28:11,040 --> 00:28:13,240
‎她在放披頭四的《嘿！朱德》

562
00:28:14,040 --> 00:28:17,880
‎最好聽的歌
‎那是我這輩子最開心的時光

563
00:28:18,440 --> 00:28:21,040
‎初夏和可能性讓我變成大人

564
00:28:21,120 --> 00:28:23,320
‎我和我媽望向同一個方向

565
00:28:24,720 --> 00:28:26,040
‎我們怡然自得

566
00:28:26,560 --> 00:28:27,840
‎天氣舒適，一切都很棒

567
00:28:27,920 --> 00:28:30,880
‎她調低音量，說：“你知道嗎？

568
00:28:32,680 --> 00:28:34,640
‎“我下葬時要播這首歌”

569
00:28:42,240 --> 00:28:44,200
‎我有了小小的存在危機

570
00:28:44,960 --> 00:28:47,320
‎“其實我不喜歡坐前座”

571
00:28:48,120 --> 00:28:50,000
‎“有位女士和我說話，我不喜歡”

572
00:28:50,680 --> 00:28:53,040
‎她看到我面有難色，又調低音量

573
00:28:53,120 --> 00:28:55,640
‎“冷靜一點”

574
00:28:55,720 --> 00:28:58,560
‎“一切都很好”

575
00:29:00,560 --> 00:29:03,200
‎“不只有媽會死，我們都會死”

576
00:29:03,720 --> 00:29:06,160
‎我媽說話總不懂得見好就收

577
00:29:06,680 --> 00:29:09,000
‎她在懸崖邊緣，應該停止才對

578
00:29:09,080 --> 00:29:11,120
‎她不明白大家很不自在

579
00:29:11,200 --> 00:29:12,960
‎因為她完全沒有社交雷達

580
00:29:13,480 --> 00:29:16,600
‎所以她說下去，挖更深的坑給自己跳

581
00:29:17,320 --> 00:29:19,760
‎對我說這些話之後
‎我看得出她感覺好多了

582
00:29:20,600 --> 00:29:23,400
‎那時我才明白
‎我媽為何沒有精神問題

583
00:29:23,920 --> 00:29:25,280
‎她把問題都塞給我們了

584
00:29:26,240 --> 00:29:28,880
‎真高明，生小孩就是這點好

585
00:29:29,400 --> 00:29:31,720
‎人生就是世代交替的接力賽

586
00:29:32,240 --> 00:29:35,240
‎跑了一陣子會累
‎就喊：“拿去，孩子，給你的！”

587
00:29:35,320 --> 00:29:36,800
‎-“那是什麼？”
‎-“創傷！”

588
00:29:39,360 --> 00:29:40,440
‎我想大概就是這樣

589
00:29:41,840 --> 00:29:44,400
‎我在惡夢裡還是有
‎一幅不斷出現的畫面

590
00:29:44,480 --> 00:29:47,800
‎我媽放我在人行道下車
‎播著披頭四的音樂開車離開

591
00:29:47,880 --> 00:29:50,120
‎我就想：“我們都會死”

592
00:29:51,280 --> 00:29:54,920
‎手風琴老師挑中我，課程就快開始

593
00:29:57,600 --> 00:29:58,960
‎我學了六年的手風琴

594
00:30:00,200 --> 00:30:03,440
‎對，意料之中的反應
‎你們可能會看著我，心想

595
00:30:03,520 --> 00:30:05,200
‎“感覺是很棒的童年！”

596
00:30:05,720 --> 00:30:07,560
‎我本來想彈吉他

597
00:30:10,120 --> 00:30:14,240
‎和所有年輕人一樣，為了能搞砲
‎這就是吉他的用處

598
00:30:15,000 --> 00:30:16,400
‎吉他是潛臺詞

599
00:30:17,160 --> 00:30:18,080
‎它能說故事

600
00:30:18,160 --> 00:30:20,720
‎吉他是陽具崇拜的物體

601
00:30:21,680 --> 00:30:24,640
‎你在海灘上望著心上人彈吉他

602
00:30:24,720 --> 00:30:25,720
‎它能訴說故事

603
00:30:27,120 --> 00:30:27,960
‎當這…

604
00:30:31,000 --> 00:30:32,840
‎這樣的潛臺詞不一樣，相信我

605
00:30:33,360 --> 00:30:35,520
‎它在說：“我會做各種熟肉醬”

606
00:30:37,520 --> 00:30:38,600
‎氛圍不一樣

607
00:30:40,280 --> 00:30:42,760
‎六年的手風琴讓我爸很滿意

608
00:30:42,840 --> 00:30:45,920
‎小時候我爸不喜歡
‎我們做小孩子的事

609
00:30:46,000 --> 00:30:48,480
‎感覺他不太在意我們開不開心

610
00:30:49,320 --> 00:30:50,520
‎他希望我們將來會開心

611
00:30:50,600 --> 00:30:52,080
‎他希望小孩子

612
00:30:52,160 --> 00:30:55,160
‎為成年後的快樂努力

613
00:30:57,160 --> 00:30:59,320
‎我就想：“我要向他證明我是成人”

614
00:30:59,400 --> 00:31:01,480
‎“來挑個成人的樂器吧”

615
00:31:02,200 --> 00:31:03,200
‎“搜鳳琴”

616
00:31:04,400 --> 00:31:06,000
‎行家都這麼講

617
00:31:06,680 --> 00:31:09,200
‎超蠢，你們看過成人拉手風琴嗎？

618
00:31:09,880 --> 00:31:11,320
‎遊民不算喔！

619
00:31:12,880 --> 00:31:14,880
‎我小時候花了幾百個小時

620
00:31:14,960 --> 00:31:18,280
‎讓9.5公斤的刷紋金屬壓爆大腿

621
00:31:18,360 --> 00:31:20,120
‎奏著戰後音樂

622
00:31:20,720 --> 00:31:23,720
‎拉手風琴時
‎就像你在戰後被派去當地

623
00:31:24,240 --> 00:31:25,080
‎這些歌唱著

624
00:31:25,160 --> 00:31:28,880
‎亞維儂戰士的腳步聲

625
00:31:28,960 --> 00:31:31,280
‎他們從前線歸來

626
00:31:31,360 --> 00:31:33,160
‎這個樂器的一切都很可怕

627
00:31:33,680 --> 00:31:36,520
‎它是憂鬱的無底深淵，至死方休

628
00:31:37,480 --> 00:31:39,840
‎最糟的是，和朋友一起從中學畢業

629
00:31:39,920 --> 00:31:41,360
‎再一起念音樂學校

630
00:31:41,440 --> 00:31:43,400
‎因為我們都是白人

631
00:31:43,480 --> 00:31:45,800
‎他們都會去吉他室

632
00:31:45,880 --> 00:31:48,600
‎大家都自大地想著
‎“我要和女生擁吻！”

633
00:31:48,680 --> 00:31:50,080
‎我心想：“晚點見！”

634
00:31:50,160 --> 00:31:52,160
‎我要獨自悲傷地沿著走廊

635
00:31:52,240 --> 00:31:55,560
‎一路走到手風琴室
‎那裡的氣氛像在說…

636
00:31:58,320 --> 00:31:59,800
‎“小心德國人”

637
00:32:01,280 --> 00:32:03,480
‎“孩子，要學著保護史特拉斯堡”

638
00:32:04,240 --> 00:32:05,080
‎很難熬

639
00:32:06,760 --> 00:32:09,400
‎我在關鍵時刻不在拉手風琴

640
00:32:09,480 --> 00:32:11,200
‎那個時刻是另一次…

641
00:32:12,800 --> 00:32:16,320
‎有點難熬，但我當時深愛一個女孩

642
00:32:16,960 --> 00:32:21,600
‎在中學的大型派對
‎我深愛著那個女孩

643
00:32:22,120 --> 00:32:23,040
‎妮儂

644
00:32:23,120 --> 00:32:24,920
‎我的摯友湯瑪士也有參加

645
00:32:25,440 --> 00:32:27,000
‎他知道我深愛著妮儂

646
00:32:27,520 --> 00:32:30,000
‎我告訴過他，因為他是知己

647
00:32:30,720 --> 00:32:34,080
‎猜得出劇情發展吧？一起來看吧

648
00:32:34,960 --> 00:32:37,880
‎聰明的湯瑪士帶ㄌ吉他到派對來

649
00:32:38,520 --> 00:32:39,480
‎莫名出現吉他！

650
00:32:40,480 --> 00:32:43,320
‎他佇立在角落，彈著幾首爛歌

651
00:32:43,400 --> 00:32:46,240
‎妮儂往他走過去
‎這個賤人把手放在他背上！

652
00:32:46,320 --> 00:32:48,200
‎對不起！我道歉

653
00:32:48,280 --> 00:32:51,200
‎你們還沒有反應我就道歉了，這不算

654
00:32:52,840 --> 00:32:53,680
‎她對他說

655
00:32:54,480 --> 00:32:56,920
‎“你好酷，湯瑪士，你會彈吉他”

656
00:32:57,000 --> 00:32:58,920
‎她在派對上幫他打手槍

657
00:33:09,720 --> 00:33:11,520
‎各位小姐先生，這裡是法國

658
00:33:12,240 --> 00:33:14,240
‎你在降F幫人打手槍

659
00:33:22,120 --> 00:33:25,560
‎我對他說過我愛她，你們知道吧？
‎他還是…

660
00:33:26,520 --> 00:33:28,800
‎感覺你無所謂，你瘋了嗎？

661
00:33:28,880 --> 00:33:30,200
‎你站哪一邊？

662
00:33:30,760 --> 00:33:32,000
‎我告訴過他，他知道！

663
00:33:32,080 --> 00:33:34,160
‎他背叛我，是希臘式的背叛

664
00:33:34,240 --> 00:33:37,520
‎是第三幕裡的放冷箭
‎一樣的招式，超噁

665
00:33:38,360 --> 00:33:41,280
‎傷害我幼小的心靈
‎我揮不去這道陰影，我是這個意思

666
00:33:43,240 --> 00:33:44,160
‎我很憤怒

667
00:33:45,120 --> 00:33:47,040
‎我第一次想殺人

668
00:33:47,120 --> 00:33:49,320
‎我想用雙手絞死湯瑪士

669
00:33:49,400 --> 00:33:52,240
‎我做得到，我的手臂很壯
‎每週扛9.5公斤

670
00:33:55,480 --> 00:33:56,560
‎真不公平

671
00:33:57,120 --> 00:34:00,920
‎我想：“不能帶手風琴帶去派對”

672
00:34:01,880 --> 00:34:04,240
‎派對在六樓，又沒電梯

673
00:34:05,640 --> 00:34:08,800
‎這是屬於一樓、地鐵或戰壕的樂器

674
00:34:08,880 --> 00:34:11,240
‎在重力上接近地獄的都好

675
00:34:12,400 --> 00:34:14,360
‎套句行家的說法

676
00:34:14,440 --> 00:34:16,040
‎那是魔鬼的樂器

677
00:34:18,200 --> 00:34:20,720
‎就算我有辦法搬上去

678
00:34:20,800 --> 00:34:22,920
‎學校派對也不是和拉手風琴

679
00:34:24,200 --> 00:34:27,920
‎你們不太相信，但想想中學的派對

680
00:34:28,800 --> 00:34:29,800
‎想像一下

681
00:34:32,760 --> 00:34:35,480
‎朋友不多又常眨眼的小孩

682
00:34:36,000 --> 00:34:37,800
‎整晚都在吃餅乾

683
00:34:38,520 --> 00:34:41,120
‎他鼓起勇氣，拿起卡拉OK的麥克風

684
00:34:43,360 --> 00:34:46,240
‎“快站在我身邊，別怕！”

685
00:34:47,720 --> 00:34:49,200
‎“妮儂，這首是獻給妳的！”

686
00:34:49,800 --> 00:34:51,920
‎他打開皮箱，竟然有皮箱！

687
00:34:52,720 --> 00:34:54,440
‎拿出小孩從沒見過的大玩意

688
00:34:54,520 --> 00:34:55,920
‎它是小孩的飛雅特500

689
00:34:56,000 --> 00:34:58,600
‎他穿上吊褲帶，“吊褲帶”耶！

690
00:34:59,400 --> 00:35:01,960
‎背後有小閂扣來繫住吊褲帶

691
00:35:02,040 --> 00:35:06,040
‎不然手風琴會掉到腿上
‎害你終生殘廢

692
00:35:06,120 --> 00:35:07,120
‎真不幸，孩子！

693
00:35:08,080 --> 00:35:10,160
‎我發誓，上第一堂手風琴課時

694
00:35:10,240 --> 00:35:12,560
‎老師說：“閂扣一定要記得扣上”

695
00:35:12,640 --> 00:35:14,400
‎-“不然，看到尚路易沒？”
‎-“你好！”

696
00:35:14,480 --> 00:35:15,320
‎“這…”

697
00:35:16,440 --> 00:35:18,680
‎這孩子八個地方有脊柱側彎

698
00:35:18,760 --> 00:35:20,280
‎他還說：“妮儂！”

699
00:35:32,440 --> 00:35:35,640
‎亞維儂的腳步聲

700
00:35:35,720 --> 00:35:36,800
‎他沒戲唱了

701
00:35:38,880 --> 00:35:39,720
‎結束了！

702
00:35:46,560 --> 00:35:48,920
‎今晚沒人會碰他的性器

703
00:35:50,040 --> 00:35:52,160
‎不會有地球人說：

704
00:35:52,240 --> 00:35:53,920
‎“我想和手風琴師上床”

705
00:35:55,000 --> 00:35:55,840
‎絕對不會

706
00:35:58,000 --> 00:36:00,560
‎所以我不拉了
‎開始做自己喜歡做的事

707
00:36:00,640 --> 00:36:01,920
‎我去巴黎時

708
00:36:02,000 --> 00:36:04,720
‎在喜劇結束後，常在俱樂部外面

709
00:36:04,800 --> 00:36:06,120
‎等著和喜劇演員說話

710
00:36:06,200 --> 00:36:07,440
‎因為我熱愛幽默

711
00:36:09,880 --> 00:36:12,280
‎好蠢的句子，抱歉我收回

712
00:36:12,360 --> 00:36:13,520
‎我聽到這句話了，像…

713
00:36:14,040 --> 00:36:17,640
‎“我喜歡幽默和呼吸！
‎我喜歡這兩件事”

714
00:36:18,240 --> 00:36:21,120
‎“這是前提，我也會難的字”

715
00:36:21,640 --> 00:36:23,000
‎我想了解怎麼表演喜劇

716
00:36:23,080 --> 00:36:26,320
‎有一位喜劇演員把我介紹給
‎某位選角指導

717
00:36:26,840 --> 00:36:29,840
‎我搞砸很多次試鏡
‎16.5歲時通過一次

718
00:36:29,920 --> 00:36:31,240
‎那是《小日報》

719
00:36:31,760 --> 00:36:35,040
‎我17歲時踏入電視界
‎對電視來說，太年輕了

720
00:36:35,560 --> 00:36:40,120
‎首播當晚有酒會
‎工作人員、明星和名人都有參加

721
00:36:40,680 --> 00:36:41,800
‎我心裡想

722
00:36:41,880 --> 00:36:45,280
‎“我要馬上回家告訴我爸媽”

723
00:36:45,800 --> 00:36:48,000
‎我有錢，所以搭計程車

724
00:36:48,840 --> 00:36:49,680
‎因為電視

725
00:36:50,200 --> 00:36:51,040
‎因為猶太人

726
00:36:51,560 --> 00:36:55,400
‎沒啦，開玩笑！
‎我們主題完全走偏了！

727
00:36:55,480 --> 00:36:57,520
‎“業界太多這種人！”

728
00:36:57,600 --> 00:36:58,720
‎我說笑的

729
00:36:59,560 --> 00:37:01,080
‎我搭計程車回家

730
00:37:01,160 --> 00:37:03,160
‎我記得我大力甩車門

731
00:37:04,520 --> 00:37:07,320
‎我耐心看著計程車離開

732
00:37:07,400 --> 00:37:08,920
‎我不想被任何人看見

733
00:37:10,240 --> 00:37:12,360
‎我轉身，房子看起來好大

734
00:37:12,440 --> 00:37:15,320
‎房子前方有碎石路

735
00:37:15,400 --> 00:37:18,080
‎我還記得碎石聲比平常還大

736
00:37:18,160 --> 00:37:20,120
‎一切都很沉重，非常奇怪

737
00:37:20,200 --> 00:37:23,040
‎我按門鈴，壓力莫名地大

738
00:37:23,960 --> 00:37:25,160
‎我媽穿著浴袍開門

739
00:37:25,240 --> 00:37:27,840
‎她用力抱著我，這是第一次

740
00:37:27,920 --> 00:37:29,080
‎超大力！

741
00:37:29,160 --> 00:37:33,080
‎她像在說祕密一樣，在我耳邊說
‎“兒子，我真以你為傲”

742
00:37:33,720 --> 00:37:34,640
‎我退後一步

743
00:37:35,880 --> 00:37:36,720
‎我說

744
00:37:38,200 --> 00:37:39,040
‎“非常好”

745
00:37:39,880 --> 00:37:43,200
‎顯然我變貴族了，“母親，非常好”

746
00:37:43,800 --> 00:37:45,560
‎“妳可以回馬廄了”

747
00:37:46,480 --> 00:37:48,440
‎超不像我！我跑到起居室

748
00:37:48,520 --> 00:37:51,520
‎我爸坐在關著的電視前

749
00:37:52,040 --> 00:37:53,240
‎穿著他的四角褲

750
00:37:54,040 --> 00:37:55,480
‎他說：“坐下”

751
00:37:55,560 --> 00:37:58,320
‎我坐下，心想：“這是師生座談會”

752
00:37:59,120 --> 00:38:00,400
‎他說：“我…”

753
00:38:03,160 --> 00:38:04,960
‎“我看了《小日報》”

754
00:38:08,480 --> 00:38:09,560
‎“而我…”

755
00:38:12,680 --> 00:38:13,960
‎“我覺得…”

756
00:38:16,880 --> 00:38:19,800
‎“妳太常放空，一臉白癡樣，太爛了”

757
00:38:20,680 --> 00:38:22,360
‎他說完後，屋裡一陣靜默

758
00:38:22,440 --> 00:38:24,560
‎他用力拍大腿

759
00:38:25,200 --> 00:38:26,680
‎鬱悶地起身

760
00:38:27,520 --> 00:38:29,280
‎他說：“大家晚安”

761
00:38:30,000 --> 00:38:30,840
‎留下我一人

762
00:38:32,080 --> 00:38:33,520
‎但他說話的語氣

763
00:38:33,600 --> 00:38:36,280
‎像是要殺光家人的男子

764
00:38:36,800 --> 00:38:38,400
‎“大家晚安”

765
00:38:38,480 --> 00:38:39,920
‎“要睡得很香甜”

766
00:38:40,640 --> 00:38:44,040
‎然後回到他的黃鼠狼洞睡覺

767
00:38:44,560 --> 00:38:47,160
‎我想：“有一天我會殺了你，你等著”

768
00:38:48,240 --> 00:38:50,880
‎我以為他會說
‎“我愛你”或“我很驕傲”

769
00:38:50,960 --> 00:38:54,440
‎因為他從沒這樣說過

770
00:38:54,520 --> 00:38:57,240
‎我不能怪他沒這樣做
‎沒人這樣對他說過

771
00:38:57,760 --> 00:39:00,240
‎我知道我爸真心愛我們

772
00:39:00,320 --> 00:39:03,160
‎他願意為了我們痛下殺手
‎他已經做過兩次

773
00:39:03,920 --> 00:39:05,800
‎但他心裡有一道牆

774
00:39:05,880 --> 00:39:09,480
‎把他的感覺與外界隔離開來

775
00:39:09,560 --> 00:39:12,640
‎我很怕，怕我也會這樣

776
00:39:13,160 --> 00:39:16,240
‎我和心上人在一起時，我想吻她

777
00:39:16,840 --> 00:39:19,480
‎如果父母不解決這個問題
‎孩子也會有這種困擾

778
00:39:19,560 --> 00:39:22,440
‎後代會無法自在表達感受

779
00:39:22,520 --> 00:39:23,360
‎“你好”

780
00:39:24,560 --> 00:39:26,560
‎全家吃晚餐時會很安靜

781
00:39:27,080 --> 00:39:30,400
‎我們深愛彼此，但不說出口
‎心跳會加速

782
00:39:30,480 --> 00:39:33,280
‎心裡會吶喊
‎孩子會想：“我知道你們愛我！”

783
00:39:33,360 --> 00:39:34,880
‎“但我想至少聽到一次

784
00:39:34,960 --> 00:39:37,640
‎未來25年我才會有信心！”

785
00:39:38,280 --> 00:39:41,640
‎爸爸卻說
‎“幹，我愛你，我會把你吃掉”

786
00:39:41,720 --> 00:39:44,000
‎“我會吃掉你！真好吃！
‎吃到只剩骨頭！”

787
00:39:44,080 --> 00:39:45,120
‎“我會大口吃掉你！”

788
00:39:45,640 --> 00:39:49,560
‎“我不能告訴你，愛是一種感受
‎有陰道的人才會有感受”

789
00:39:51,120 --> 00:39:55,240
‎媽媽想：“別擔心
‎我的陰道足夠愛所有人！”

790
00:39:56,680 --> 00:39:58,760
‎“還有，我找到池邊度假屋了！”

791
00:40:00,000 --> 00:40:00,840
‎“終於！”

792
00:40:01,680 --> 00:40:02,520
‎太可惜了

793
00:40:03,520 --> 00:40:06,240
‎我們都會做蠢事，包括我

794
00:40:07,120 --> 00:40:10,080
‎我們把愛藏在隻字片語裡

795
00:40:10,160 --> 00:40:11,480
‎藏在日常小動作裡

796
00:40:11,560 --> 00:40:14,560
‎我們把體會愛的這種責任

797
00:40:14,640 --> 00:40:16,280
‎丟給我們愛的人

798
00:40:17,400 --> 00:40:18,400
‎好複雜

799
00:40:19,000 --> 00:40:22,120
‎這叫特洛伊木馬，是一種戰略

800
00:40:23,800 --> 00:40:24,800
‎真好玩的問題

801
00:40:24,880 --> 00:40:27,320
‎問自己把愛藏在哪裡

802
00:40:27,400 --> 00:40:30,880
‎幾個月前
‎我發現我把愛藏刻薄的笑話裡

803
00:40:31,640 --> 00:40:34,240
‎我愛對方時，就想摧毀他們

804
00:40:35,320 --> 00:40:37,760
‎很不健康，我會明白是因為我室友

805
00:40:37,840 --> 00:40:40,480
‎我的摯友，我一直在聊的那個

806
00:40:40,560 --> 00:40:41,480
‎他得了癌症

807
00:40:42,080 --> 00:40:45,560
‎我和朋友聽到後，馬上辦了驚喜派對

808
00:40:45,640 --> 00:40:47,680
‎希望他…

809
00:40:47,760 --> 00:40:49,680
‎我們應該好好斟酌才對！

810
00:40:49,760 --> 00:40:52,400
‎“兄弟，祝你罹癌愉快！”

811
00:40:53,320 --> 00:40:57,360
‎我們躲在公寓的沙發後面，等他進屋

812
00:40:57,440 --> 00:40:59,360
‎他把鑰匙插入門鎖時

813
00:40:59,960 --> 00:41:02,720
‎大家對望
‎心想：“這時候辦驚喜癌症派對

814
00:41:03,240 --> 00:41:05,040
‎也許不是好主意”

815
00:41:05,560 --> 00:41:06,840
‎很難相信吧？

816
00:41:06,920 --> 00:41:08,600
‎人類有這種能力

817
00:41:08,680 --> 00:41:12,000
‎在激動的時候，一開始就發現

818
00:41:12,080 --> 00:41:13,640
‎這個主意爛到爆

819
00:41:14,280 --> 00:41:16,920
‎在緊要關頭察覺到風險

820
00:41:17,000 --> 00:41:18,280
‎你會想：“天哪”

821
00:41:18,360 --> 00:41:20,560
‎“親愛的，現在懷孕恰當嗎？”

822
00:41:21,080 --> 00:41:22,080
‎醫生會說

823
00:41:22,160 --> 00:41:24,600
‎“剪掉臍帶，怎麼回事？”

824
00:41:25,120 --> 00:41:27,760
‎我們就是這樣，事後才會思考

825
00:41:27,840 --> 00:41:31,160
‎他進公寓10-15秒了，我們卻仍…

826
00:41:31,880 --> 00:41:33,720
‎其實我們是在闖空門

827
00:41:34,480 --> 00:41:37,320
‎有個朋友很勇敢，他說

828
00:41:38,160 --> 00:41:39,320
‎“幹，搞…”

829
00:41:41,520 --> 00:41:42,800
‎“嘿！”

830
00:41:42,880 --> 00:41:44,400
‎他說：“搞什…”

831
00:41:45,160 --> 00:41:47,240
‎我們還以為讓人心臟病發是大禮

832
00:41:47,320 --> 00:41:49,440
‎這樣的開場比較棒

833
00:41:50,480 --> 00:41:52,960
‎放心，他好多了，病癒了

834
00:41:53,040 --> 00:41:54,360
‎他答應讓我拿來開玩笑

835
00:41:54,440 --> 00:41:57,880
‎他說
‎“儘量拿我和癌症當笑點沒關係”

836
00:41:58,400 --> 00:42:00,400
‎他死前對我這樣說

837
00:42:01,600 --> 00:42:03,360
‎這是他答應我開的第一個玩笑

838
00:42:03,960 --> 00:42:06,840
‎我們在派對裡玩足球，他很喜歡

839
00:42:06,920 --> 00:42:08,960
‎他是守門員，因為他有癌症

840
00:42:09,480 --> 00:42:13,560
‎當你愛的人把病情告訴你
‎你會不知如何是好

841
00:42:14,280 --> 00:42:16,040
‎我是他首先告知的人

842
00:42:16,120 --> 00:42:18,960
‎他說：“我得了癌症”
‎我回：“多喝水！”

843
00:42:19,920 --> 00:42:22,440
‎我也不懂自己怎麼會說這句話
‎但我就是說了

844
00:42:23,120 --> 00:42:24,680
‎他是守門員

845
00:42:24,760 --> 00:42:26,120
‎超蹩腳的守門員

846
00:42:27,160 --> 00:42:28,400
‎球離他很近

847
00:42:28,920 --> 00:42:31,960
‎應該輕鬆就能截球，但他太差

848
00:42:32,040 --> 00:42:33,440
‎球進去球門

849
00:42:33,520 --> 00:42:36,520
‎我朋友超商去，但不能表現出來

850
00:42:37,560 --> 00:42:38,880
‎因為他有癌症

851
00:42:39,560 --> 00:42:43,400
‎看男人壓抑怒氣，是世上最爽的事

852
00:42:43,920 --> 00:42:46,560
‎他們全說：“沒關係！”

853
00:42:49,920 --> 00:42:52,200
‎“要專心，眼觀四面，對！”

854
00:42:54,920 --> 00:42:56,880
‎“沒問題的，我們很開心！”

855
00:42:57,800 --> 00:43:00,880
‎“你開心嗎？我們大家都很開心！
‎今晚真愉快！”

856
00:43:00,960 --> 00:43:02,160
‎“人生只有一回”

857
00:43:07,120 --> 00:43:08,040
‎我超生氣

858
00:43:08,720 --> 00:43:11,400
‎那時我才領悟
‎我會拿我愛的人來開刻薄的玩笑

859
00:43:11,480 --> 00:43:14,800
‎探望他時
‎我說：“抱歉，你有癌症？”

860
00:43:15,880 --> 00:43:17,320
‎“那你應該接得到球”

861
00:43:24,120 --> 00:43:26,480
‎以義大利話來說
‎意思是：“很棒的笑話“

862
00:43:29,320 --> 00:43:32,200
‎他捧腹大笑…當時
‎我總挑錯喝水的時機

863
00:43:32,720 --> 00:43:34,960
‎喜劇演員都會挑鼓掌的時候

864
00:43:35,040 --> 00:43:36,520
‎我一定會是個庸醫

865
00:43:37,640 --> 00:43:39,400
‎我會說：“所以你有…

866
00:43:48,240 --> 00:43:49,280
‎愛滋病，好”

867
00:43:50,440 --> 00:43:51,360
‎這樣感覺真好

868
00:43:52,560 --> 00:43:53,680
‎他捧腹大笑

869
00:43:54,280 --> 00:43:56,720
‎他知道我把愛藏在哪裡

870
00:43:56,800 --> 00:44:00,320
‎他看到了其中的善意
‎他說：“你這輩子最棒的笑話！”

871
00:44:00,400 --> 00:44:01,400
‎這冒犯了我

872
00:44:02,040 --> 00:44:03,640
‎沒啦，我很開心

873
00:44:03,720 --> 00:44:05,480
‎我想：“我這輩子最棒的笑話！”

874
00:44:05,560 --> 00:44:06,920
‎我看著所有朋友

875
00:44:07,000 --> 00:44:10,640
‎說了到現在我還不懂的話

876
00:44:10,720 --> 00:44:14,480
‎“聽到我怎麼酸這個呆瓜了嗎？”

877
00:44:15,160 --> 00:44:16,360
‎這什麼意思啊？

878
00:44:17,360 --> 00:44:20,320
‎我很自然地說出口
‎好像自己是鄉下小孩

879
00:44:21,160 --> 00:44:23,600
‎我朋友做了和《法國好聲音》
‎相反的事情

880
00:44:23,680 --> 00:44:25,560
‎大家都別過頭去

881
00:44:27,040 --> 00:44:28,880
‎他們都很不自在

882
00:44:29,840 --> 00:44:33,000
‎其實我也是，因為那時我發現

883
00:44:34,120 --> 00:44:36,840
‎我說那則笑話，不是為了逗他開心

884
00:44:36,920 --> 00:44:38,160
‎而是逗我自己開心

885
00:44:38,680 --> 00:44:39,760
‎因為我很難過

886
00:44:40,520 --> 00:44:41,760
‎我朋友身體有恙

887
00:44:42,560 --> 00:44:46,040
‎當我想哭時，我就拿別人開玩笑

888
00:44:46,120 --> 00:44:48,120
‎看著他們掙扎，我會感覺好過一點

889
00:44:49,320 --> 00:44:51,560
‎我想：“我該去看心理醫師”

890
00:44:52,440 --> 00:44:53,520
‎我去看了

891
00:44:54,480 --> 00:44:56,840
‎我把派對的事告訴她，她說…

892
00:45:00,960 --> 00:45:01,800
‎“其實

893
00:45:03,160 --> 00:45:04,640
‎你覺得脆弱時

894
00:45:05,680 --> 00:45:07,720
‎你不會表露真實的感覺

895
00:45:07,800 --> 00:45:10,360
‎因為你怕被拒絕

896
00:45:11,160 --> 00:45:13,920
‎你寧願讓他們比你脆弱”

897
00:45:15,440 --> 00:45:16,920
‎-“我是王八蛋”
‎-“不是”

898
00:45:18,080 --> 00:45:19,120
‎“不算是”

899
00:45:20,000 --> 00:45:21,840
‎“那不是醫學術語”

900
00:45:22,960 --> 00:45:24,800
‎“其實，感覺上…”

901
00:45:24,880 --> 00:45:27,920
‎-“我是王八蛋”
‎-“沒錯！”

902
00:45:30,680 --> 00:45:32,440
‎“一共72歐元”

903
00:45:33,520 --> 00:45:36,520
‎這位小姐超屌，讓我難以置信

904
00:45:37,240 --> 00:45:40,360
‎我以為她不會這麼直白
‎想不到我錯了

905
00:45:40,960 --> 00:45:43,640
‎我室友有中年危機，我叫他去找她

906
00:45:43,720 --> 00:45:45,280
‎他沒辦法談這件事

907
00:45:45,360 --> 00:45:47,240
‎他去看她很多遍

908
00:45:47,320 --> 00:45:49,960
‎後來她說了很誇張的話
‎他回來告訴我

909
00:45:50,040 --> 00:45:51,200
‎我非常震驚

910
00:45:51,960 --> 00:45:52,880
‎她告訴他

911
00:45:52,960 --> 00:45:55,760
‎“這是我們第一次療程”

912
00:45:56,520 --> 00:45:58,480
‎“我終於診斷出你的病因”

913
00:45:59,200 --> 00:46:00,120
‎“所以你…

914
00:46:01,280 --> 00:46:02,960
‎你有中年危機”

915
00:46:03,640 --> 00:46:04,600
‎他說：“對”

916
00:46:06,400 --> 00:46:08,760
‎“所以我才來，因為…”

917
00:46:09,600 --> 00:46:10,720
‎“出現徵兆”

918
00:46:11,400 --> 00:46:12,440
‎“我40歲了”

919
00:46:13,480 --> 00:46:15,200
‎“我正面臨危機”

920
00:46:15,720 --> 00:46:18,400
‎“看起來不像，但根據事實推斷

921
00:46:18,480 --> 00:46:19,960
‎我不會付72歐元”

922
00:46:20,480 --> 00:46:21,520
‎“她說：‘不行

923
00:46:24,080 --> 00:46:25,560
‎你還是要付’”

924
00:46:28,440 --> 00:46:30,880
‎“中年危機不代表什麼

925
00:46:33,760 --> 00:46:37,560
‎假設我們出生時，背上都有殼

926
00:46:38,800 --> 00:46:39,720
‎跟蝸牛一樣

927
00:46:40,840 --> 00:46:41,680
‎“跟著我

928
00:46:42,640 --> 00:46:43,880
‎我們一步一步解析人生”

929
00:46:45,640 --> 00:46:47,760
‎當我們找到決定性的經歷…

930
00:46:49,800 --> 00:46:50,800
‎就在殼裡！

931
00:46:51,800 --> 00:46:54,160
‎你不在意，你自認了解自己

932
00:46:54,680 --> 00:46:56,320
‎所以你倉促地過人生

933
00:46:56,840 --> 00:46:59,520
‎15歲、18歲、22歲、26歲、30歲…

934
00:47:00,280 --> 00:47:01,840
‎你覺得很充實

935
00:47:02,360 --> 00:47:03,920
‎但我知道，這是我的工作

936
00:47:04,640 --> 00:47:06,520
‎叩…殼是空的

937
00:47:11,120 --> 00:47:12,040
‎所以你繼續這種日子

938
00:47:13,240 --> 00:47:14,960
‎33歲、36歲、40歲

939
00:47:15,040 --> 00:47:16,400
‎你在40歲停步

940
00:47:16,480 --> 00:47:17,440
‎你回首過往

941
00:47:17,520 --> 00:47:20,280
‎你想知道自己存下了什麼，然後你…

942
00:47:24,440 --> 00:47:26,440
‎但你的殼空空如也！

943
00:47:27,200 --> 00:47:28,880
‎殼…

944
00:47:31,440 --> 00:47:33,880
‎要是你發現弄丟了東西，你會怎麼做？

945
00:47:33,960 --> 00:47:35,480
‎我們怎麼做？

946
00:47:38,440 --> 00:47:39,760
‎‘你好，蝸牛殼警察嗎？’

947
00:47:40,840 --> 00:47:44,080
‎我知道很蠢，但這是中年危機

948
00:47:44,160 --> 00:47:45,360
‎這是急事

949
00:47:46,440 --> 00:47:47,760
‎但殼裡空空如也

950
00:47:49,440 --> 00:47:50,880
‎因為太晚了

951
00:47:54,200 --> 00:47:55,480
‎你變蛞蝓”

952
00:48:02,360 --> 00:48:04,680
‎他完全失去派段力

953
00:48:04,760 --> 00:48:06,360
‎他腳步沉重地回家

954
00:48:06,440 --> 00:48:08,240
‎我正開心地坐在沙發上

955
00:48:08,320 --> 00:48:10,640
‎他衝向我，說：“你要把握人生！”

956
00:48:11,440 --> 00:48:14,160
‎我心想：“我早就這樣做了”

957
00:48:14,240 --> 00:48:17,240
‎他說：“你要學著收集…因為…”

958
00:48:18,480 --> 00:48:20,920
‎-“因為之後，你要叩蝸牛殼”
‎-“好”

959
00:48:21,720 --> 00:48:24,720
‎“我漏了一些資訊，我沒有完全懂”

960
00:48:24,800 --> 00:48:26,120
‎“你好，蝸牛殼警察嗎？”

961
00:48:26,200 --> 00:48:27,360
‎“好，天哪”

962
00:48:28,000 --> 00:48:31,200
‎“我收集完整了，其實你嚇到我了”

963
00:48:32,520 --> 00:48:36,200
‎超好玩，聊這件事讓我開心多了

964
00:48:37,160 --> 00:48:39,480
‎我20多歲時，我在想

965
00:48:40,160 --> 00:48:41,400
‎“什麼時候才會開始？”

966
00:48:42,400 --> 00:48:43,600
‎你們想過嗎？

967
00:48:43,680 --> 00:48:46,000
‎像是：“我什麼時候正式變成自己？”

968
00:48:46,520 --> 00:48:48,040
‎我總是惶惶不安

969
00:48:48,120 --> 00:48:51,400
‎別人簡單就懂的事
‎我卻覺得格格不入

970
00:48:52,240 --> 00:48:53,200
‎讓我很受不了

971
00:48:53,280 --> 00:48:55,800
‎看到室友也在問自己這個問題

972
00:48:56,320 --> 00:48:59,480
‎我爸70歲時也在問，讓我安心不少
‎覺得好過多了

973
00:49:00,000 --> 00:49:02,280
‎我們這輩子都在拼命靠近真正的自己

974
00:49:02,920 --> 00:49:05,560
‎我們會努力，重點是要參與

975
00:49:06,160 --> 00:49:08,680
‎在終點之前，我們都是草稿
‎這讓我安心不少

976
00:49:09,920 --> 00:49:11,800
‎你顯然差多了，我看得出來

977
00:49:12,320 --> 00:49:15,320
‎小時候的我們最貼近自我

978
00:49:15,400 --> 00:49:17,080
‎成人是怎麼了？

979
00:49:18,560 --> 00:49:20,440
‎我不知道，怎麼問題這麼多？

980
00:49:20,520 --> 00:49:23,160
‎我們真成為大人了？
‎不見得，我不認為

981
00:49:23,680 --> 00:49:25,040
‎我們成為的大人

982
00:49:25,560 --> 00:49:28,240
‎會從小時候的自己成長茁壯
‎好保護那時的自己

983
00:49:28,760 --> 00:49:31,840
‎最後他讓他窒息
‎我們心裡都有個逝去的孩子

984
00:49:33,000 --> 00:49:35,040
‎這是我的人生觀
‎大家都有自己的人生觀！

985
00:49:35,720 --> 00:49:36,960
‎還沒死，希望這句話對你們有幫助！

986
00:49:37,040 --> 00:49:38,600
‎心裡有個痛苦的孩子

987
00:49:39,120 --> 00:49:40,800
‎因為不管幾歲

988
00:49:40,880 --> 00:49:41,960
‎20歲、60歲，幾歲都一樣

989
00:49:42,040 --> 00:49:44,840
‎當你走在街上，看到人行道，你會想

990
00:49:46,040 --> 00:49:47,760
‎“我只要踏在白線上”

991
00:49:48,280 --> 00:49:50,480
‎這就是小孩在說：“我還在！”

992
00:49:51,320 --> 00:49:52,520
‎“你為什麼會禿頭？”

993
00:49:54,720 --> 00:49:55,960
‎我會有這一天

994
00:49:57,240 --> 00:49:58,600
‎我小孩時很敢做自己

995
00:49:59,120 --> 00:50:00,760
‎天不怕地不怕

996
00:50:00,840 --> 00:50:01,960
‎有新人？

997
00:50:02,040 --> 00:50:04,280
‎我會去看他們
‎說：“哈囉！你好嗎？”

998
00:50:04,800 --> 00:50:07,160
‎我不是德國人，只是聲音很怪

999
00:50:07,240 --> 00:50:09,960
‎大家一定在想
‎”他是德國小孩，你好！”

1000
00:50:11,080 --> 00:50:13,440
‎我小時候太做自己

1001
00:50:14,800 --> 00:50:15,880
‎大家知道這種人吧？

1002
00:50:16,920 --> 00:50:19,360
‎有著成年人大頭，死盯著你

1003
00:50:19,440 --> 00:50:20,960
‎一付債主的樣子

1004
00:50:22,440 --> 00:50:24,520
‎全家吃晚飯時，我是各位…

1005
00:50:25,040 --> 00:50:27,160
‎這輩子都沒見過的那種小孩

1006
00:50:27,240 --> 00:50:28,200
‎他會盯著你

1007
00:50:29,360 --> 00:50:32,680
‎走過來拉你的毛衣
‎說：“我屁股痛痛”

1008
00:50:34,440 --> 00:50:36,080
‎“好，什麼…”

1009
00:50:37,640 --> 00:50:42,040
‎“你是想對我說嗎？
‎我們應該沒講過話”

1010
00:50:42,120 --> 00:50:43,800
‎“媽說不要千層茄子派！”

1011
00:50:44,920 --> 00:50:47,080
‎-“我吃過兩遍了”
‎-“好！”

1012
00:50:49,840 --> 00:50:51,320
‎“好，抱歉”

1013
00:50:51,400 --> 00:50:54,840
‎“馬克，你聽到沒？我該怎麼…什麼…”

1014
00:50:56,080 --> 00:50:58,200
‎-“小朋友，你叫什麼名字？”
‎-“帕納約提斯！”

1015
00:50:58,280 --> 00:50:59,840
‎“好！”

1016
00:50:59,920 --> 00:51:01,280
‎“馬克，他是納粹黨衛軍！”

1017
00:51:01,360 --> 00:51:04,440
‎“好詭異，我很怕
‎我要離開，馬克！”

1018
00:51:07,640 --> 00:51:10,760
‎小時候我不在意，但中學時就很難受

1019
00:51:10,840 --> 00:51:14,760
‎那是小型社會
‎對拉手風琴的人特別辛苦

1020
00:51:15,640 --> 00:51:18,560
‎中學時，為了讓別人愛我

1021
00:51:18,640 --> 00:51:20,600
‎讓學長愛我

1022
00:51:21,520 --> 00:51:25,120
‎我會用零用錢買巧克力
‎放學後送給別人

1023
00:51:25,840 --> 00:51:28,960
‎大家儘管同情我沒關係

1024
00:51:29,480 --> 00:51:32,400
‎我會把熔岩巧克力放在口袋裡一整天

1025
00:51:32,480 --> 00:51:34,200
‎傍晚時，我會守在校門口

1026
00:51:34,280 --> 00:51:37,280
‎他們出來時，我就說：“巧克力任務”

1027
00:51:38,640 --> 00:51:40,440
‎我不是在心裡想，是大聲喊出來！

1028
00:51:41,240 --> 00:51:44,560
‎像是1970年代的便衣警察
‎有點見不得人

1029
00:51:44,640 --> 00:51:46,160
‎“巧克力任務！”

1030
00:51:47,240 --> 00:51:51,200
‎我會去找他們
‎可悲地問：“要吃巧克力嗎？”

1031
00:51:52,200 --> 00:51:55,080
‎仔細想想，和戀童癖正好相反

1032
00:51:55,160 --> 00:51:56,960
‎通常是大一點的孩子問
‎“要吃巧克力嗎？”

1033
00:51:57,040 --> 00:52:00,000
‎“快來，車子裡有很多！”

1034
00:52:00,880 --> 00:52:02,920
‎“快來！”

1035
00:52:07,680 --> 00:52:08,520
‎這招很管用

1036
00:52:09,320 --> 00:52:11,360
‎我們會一起玩，讓我感覺很拉風

1037
00:52:11,880 --> 00:52:16,200
‎我有一整盒巧克力
‎我每天早上帶一兩個上學

1038
00:52:16,280 --> 00:52:19,120
‎有天早上我打開盒子，裡面已經空了

1039
00:52:19,960 --> 00:52:22,320
‎我慌了，我很少這樣

1040
00:52:22,840 --> 00:52:24,240
‎很可悲，但也很好玩

1041
00:52:24,320 --> 00:52:27,560
‎我到處大聲問
‎“誰看到我的巧克力？”

1042
00:52:28,080 --> 00:52:30,720
‎一半可悲，一半有趣

1043
00:52:30,800 --> 00:52:31,640
‎很“悲趣”

1044
00:52:33,360 --> 00:52:35,480
‎我去問我姊

1045
00:52:35,560 --> 00:52:36,400
‎她只說

1046
00:52:37,280 --> 00:52:38,120
‎“沒有”

1047
00:52:39,200 --> 00:52:42,760
‎我看懂了，哭了出來
‎鹹鹹的淚水流過我的身體

1048
00:52:43,280 --> 00:52:45,680
‎她現在是家裡的異類，她說

1049
00:52:45,760 --> 00:52:47,880
‎“好，放輕鬆，胡桃糖！”

1050
00:52:49,720 --> 00:52:51,360
‎那是我的綽號

1051
00:52:51,960 --> 00:52:54,640
‎我拿起一把刀說：“我要戳死她！”

1052
00:52:55,640 --> 00:52:57,200
‎我爸衝過來

1053
00:52:57,280 --> 00:52:58,600
‎他把刀搶走

1054
00:52:59,200 --> 00:53:00,400
‎建議各位

1055
00:53:00,920 --> 00:53:05,040
‎想殺人的話，事前不要昭告天下

1056
00:53:05,560 --> 00:53:07,760
‎奇怪的是，這會驚動當地機關

1057
00:53:08,360 --> 00:53:09,840
‎他把刀搶走，大喊：“嘿！”

1058
00:53:11,720 --> 00:53:12,720
‎他頓了一下

1059
00:53:13,600 --> 00:53:16,800
‎我爸會這樣做，代表他要開示了

1060
00:53:17,640 --> 00:53:19,800
‎我爸不太管教我們

1061
00:53:19,880 --> 00:53:22,040
‎但每兩年會有意外之舉

1062
00:53:22,840 --> 00:53:24,800
‎這樣才能連任當爸爸

1063
00:53:25,560 --> 00:53:29,400
‎他用的蕁麻那一招沒效了
‎需要威力更大的招式

1064
00:53:30,600 --> 00:53:32,080
‎他把刀搶走，說：“嘿！”

1065
00:53:32,880 --> 00:53:35,160
‎“你看著…我要…”

1066
00:53:35,240 --> 00:53:37,160
‎可憐的爸爸，要臨時想台詞

1067
00:53:39,040 --> 00:53:40,120
‎他把刀搶走

1068
00:53:40,640 --> 00:53:43,600
‎拿給我姊，說：“我准妳刺他！”

1069
00:53:44,200 --> 00:53:45,120
‎沒啦，開玩笑的˙

1070
00:53:46,080 --> 00:53:49,000
‎他把刀搶走，用膝蓋折斷

1071
00:53:49,080 --> 00:53:51,560
‎你們會想：“你爸是神人！”才不是

1072
00:53:51,640 --> 00:53:54,360
‎他割傷了手和膝蓋

1073
00:53:54,440 --> 00:53:56,440
‎“看到沒？不要拿刀來玩！”

1074
00:53:59,640 --> 00:54:00,480
‎“那當然！”

1075
00:54:02,080 --> 00:54:05,240
‎“你也一樣，怎麼…
‎你到自己說的話嗎？”

1076
00:54:06,120 --> 00:54:09,800
‎“你嘴巴發出聲音時
‎會跑到耳膜嗎？”

1077
00:54:10,960 --> 00:54:11,840
‎他口是心非

1078
00:54:12,360 --> 00:54:15,440
‎他是男人
‎在孩子面前不會笨到受這種傷

1079
00:54:15,520 --> 00:54:16,960
‎“你在流血，沒事吧？”

1080
00:54:17,040 --> 00:54:17,920
‎他說

1081
00:54:19,240 --> 00:54:20,560
‎“幹嘛這麼說？”

1082
00:54:21,200 --> 00:54:22,480
‎他是這樣說的

1083
00:54:22,560 --> 00:54:25,440
‎他碰到難題時就會說
‎“幹嘛這麼說？”

1084
00:54:26,320 --> 00:54:29,200
‎但他無法再否認，他的傷發出聲響

1085
00:54:30,360 --> 00:54:33,240
‎像是：“泊…”

1086
00:54:34,080 --> 00:54:34,920
‎他就…

1087
00:54:41,040 --> 00:54:42,600
‎“去叫你媽來看”

1088
00:54:43,320 --> 00:54:44,680
‎真是難以想像

1089
00:54:44,760 --> 00:54:47,720
‎我衝上樓梯大叫
‎“媽，快來，爸受傷了！”

1090
00:54:47,800 --> 00:54:49,880
‎她說：
‎“他會處理的，他是大人了！”

1091
00:54:50,520 --> 00:54:51,400
‎“才怪！”

1092
00:54:52,680 --> 00:54:55,280
‎爸在木質地板上，性命垂危
‎我們需要幫助

1093
00:54:57,720 --> 00:54:58,560
‎場面很誇張

1094
00:54:58,640 --> 00:55:01,400
‎從那天起，我開始說笑話
‎希望別人喜歡我

1095
00:55:01,480 --> 00:55:04,720
‎我不送巧克力了
‎這樣比較簡單，也比較安全

1096
00:55:05,920 --> 00:55:09,040
‎多年來，我慢慢接近我爸期望中的我

1097
00:55:09,120 --> 00:55:09,960
‎有自信

1098
00:55:10,600 --> 00:55:15,040
‎有信心、風趣，有點好色，但不軟弱

1099
00:55:15,120 --> 00:55:16,840
‎這常常幫助了我

1100
00:55:17,360 --> 00:55:18,200
‎卻無法

1101
00:55:18,880 --> 00:55:20,880
‎讓我面對想吻心上人的那一刻

1102
00:55:21,840 --> 00:55:25,280
‎有自信的那個我
‎正拿著一杯水在廁所裡

1103
00:55:26,720 --> 00:55:28,920
‎我孤身一人，毫無防備，汗如雨下

1104
00:55:30,400 --> 00:55:33,480
‎我像電影一般愛上這個女孩

1105
00:55:34,520 --> 00:55:37,760
‎她說了一句話，立刻讓我陷入情網

1106
00:55:37,840 --> 00:55:41,200
‎很明顯，讓我全身暖暖的

1107
00:55:41,920 --> 00:55:43,840
‎為了讓各位了解這句話

1108
00:55:44,360 --> 00:55:47,040
‎我需要聊我最後一件童年往事

1109
00:55:47,760 --> 00:55:49,360
‎我常摸自己的奶頭

1110
00:55:51,160 --> 00:55:54,000
‎如果有人開始竊笑，那我就不聊了

1111
00:55:54,520 --> 00:55:56,520
‎我開始覺得自在，所以敞開心房

1112
00:55:56,600 --> 00:55:58,720
‎你們卻笑我，真不厚道

1113
00:55:58,800 --> 00:56:01,680
‎別這樣看著我
‎我看到你們的眼神了！

1114
00:56:01,760 --> 00:56:04,680
‎“他是個怪小孩，但他非比尋常”

1115
00:56:04,760 --> 00:56:07,920
‎不對！每個小孩有自己的怪癖

1116
00:56:09,760 --> 00:56:11,640
‎沒有嗎？突然一陣靜默

1117
00:56:11,720 --> 00:56:13,840
‎我們常帶我弟去醫院

1118
00:56:13,920 --> 00:56:17,320
‎因為他會說：“到家我才要呼吸！”

1119
00:56:18,960 --> 00:56:21,920
‎走了20公尺
‎他就像個魯蛇倒在人行道上

1120
00:56:23,000 --> 00:56:25,600
‎我難過時會柔我的奶，這是我的怪癖

1121
00:56:25,680 --> 00:56:28,120
‎奶？車頭燈？同義詞好多

1122
00:56:28,200 --> 00:56:29,920
‎別用那種眼神看我！

1123
00:56:31,240 --> 00:56:33,920
‎我被爸媽罵之後，會回房間…

1124
00:56:35,080 --> 00:56:36,040
‎那是我的癖好

1125
00:56:36,640 --> 00:56:38,080
‎把我抓去關吧！

1126
00:56:38,160 --> 00:56:39,320
‎我們都做過這種事

1127
00:56:39,400 --> 00:56:41,840
‎這是我的夢想世界，能舒緩我的緊張

1128
00:56:41,920 --> 00:56:43,360
‎這不是重點

1129
00:56:44,200 --> 00:56:46,600
‎重點是，我小時候覺得

1130
00:56:46,680 --> 00:56:49,560
‎“他們怎麼不聊消失的能力？”

1131
00:56:51,920 --> 00:56:54,200
‎我開始聊這件事

1132
00:56:54,280 --> 00:56:55,400
‎把這些話傳出去

1133
00:56:56,640 --> 00:56:58,000
‎我去看我朋友

1134
00:56:58,080 --> 00:57:01,560
‎“你摸乳頭的時候…”
‎“我們不想和妳一起玩了”

1135
00:57:03,680 --> 00:57:04,920
‎說得好快

1136
00:57:06,200 --> 00:57:09,920
‎後來爸媽的朋友來吃晚餐
‎我想和他們聊

1137
00:57:11,000 --> 00:57:11,840
‎可憐的人

1138
00:57:12,480 --> 00:57:15,200
‎我坐在沙發的一角，這樣等著

1139
00:57:18,400 --> 00:57:19,680
‎像隻無毛貓

1140
00:57:21,360 --> 00:57:23,320
‎等他們掛好大衣後

1141
00:57:23,400 --> 00:57:25,120
‎他們會一起上去起居室

1142
00:57:25,200 --> 00:57:26,120
‎我就開始發問

1143
00:57:26,840 --> 00:57:27,920
‎“希爾薇，請問

1144
00:57:28,000 --> 00:57:29,680
‎妳搓妳的奶時…”

1145
00:57:31,280 --> 00:57:32,840
‎他們超怕我的

1146
00:57:33,400 --> 00:57:34,520
‎他們驚慌失措

1147
00:57:35,040 --> 00:57:37,960
‎他們覺得我是《現金調查》裡的
‎艾莉絲盧塞

1148
00:57:38,560 --> 00:57:40,360
‎一看到我，他們就轉頭說：“不”

1149
00:57:40,440 --> 00:57:43,560
‎“這家公司不雇用非法勞工”

1150
00:57:43,640 --> 00:57:46,320
‎“你有權力跟蹤我嗎？這樣合法嗎？”

1151
00:57:47,120 --> 00:57:48,320
‎他們很害怕

1152
00:57:49,560 --> 00:57:54,240
‎我媽有天晚上到我房裡來，她說

1153
00:57:56,560 --> 00:57:57,520
‎“好，帕納約？”

1154
00:57:58,680 --> 00:57:59,520
‎“什麼事？”

1155
00:58:01,800 --> 00:58:02,640
‎“很好”

1156
00:58:04,680 --> 00:58:06,840
‎“馬克和薇蘿妮卡今晚要來”

1157
00:58:11,920 --> 00:58:14,040
‎“你沒事吧？還好嗎？”

1158
00:58:16,400 --> 00:58:17,240
‎“很好”

1159
00:58:19,400 --> 00:58:21,680
‎“你別和他們討論

1160
00:58:22,360 --> 00:58:24,280
‎你的小祕密好嗎？”

1161
00:58:24,360 --> 00:58:25,840
‎這變成家裡的禁忌

1162
00:58:27,960 --> 00:58:30,920
‎“但如果你想聊
‎我們可以找心理醫師”

1163
00:58:31,440 --> 00:58:33,000
‎我說：“心理醫師是什麼人？”

1164
00:58:33,960 --> 00:58:36,200
‎“帕納約，心理醫師會收你的錢

1165
00:58:37,720 --> 00:58:40,480
‎讓你覺得被傾聽和接納
‎和其他人一樣”

1166
00:58:41,240 --> 00:58:44,480
‎我覺得這是心理醫師最優美的定義

1167
00:58:45,080 --> 00:58:47,720
‎只有在心理醫師面前
‎你才能說：“我叫菲利浦”

1168
00:58:48,720 --> 00:58:51,720
‎“我老闆對我很無禮
‎但我保持專業，應對得宜”

1169
00:58:51,800 --> 00:58:54,640
‎“我常說要去抽菸，但其實我不抽菸”

1170
00:58:56,200 --> 00:58:59,800
‎“我下班時會往左轉
‎因為有一家花店”

1171
00:58:59,880 --> 00:59:03,000
‎“我會在那裏買倉鼠
‎放在腋下殺死牠”

1172
00:59:04,880 --> 00:59:05,960
‎“那是我的癖好”

1173
00:59:06,760 --> 00:59:09,600
‎只有在心理醫師面前才行
‎知道這樣多幸運嗎？

1174
00:59:10,160 --> 00:59:11,880
‎你們的摯友會說

1175
00:59:11,960 --> 00:59:13,560
‎“菲利浦，沒事吧？搞…”

1176
00:59:16,960 --> 00:59:19,840
‎“花店會賣倉鼠？原來如此”

1177
00:59:20,400 --> 00:59:22,600
‎人生有很多難解的疑問

1178
00:59:22,680 --> 00:59:24,600
‎但心理醫師有興趣聽

1179
00:59:25,200 --> 00:59:27,440
‎她會想：“挑戰來了！”

1180
00:59:28,520 --> 00:59:30,720
‎“小菲，什麼顏色的倉鼠？”

1181
00:59:32,120 --> 00:59:34,560
‎“齧齒動物在下意識象徵著耶穌”

1182
00:59:34,640 --> 00:59:36,320
‎“對，來聊聊吧”

1183
00:59:37,600 --> 00:59:38,560
‎那是她的工作

1184
00:59:39,960 --> 00:59:43,360
‎我坐下，但我知道大家會因此取笑我

1185
00:59:44,760 --> 00:59:46,720
‎所以我決定閉口不談

1186
00:59:49,400 --> 00:59:52,520
‎-“你整天在幹嘛？”
‎-“常常摸我的奶…”

1187
00:59:54,520 --> 00:59:55,680
‎“天哪，她好強！”

1188
00:59:57,480 --> 00:59:58,480
‎“別在意”

1189
01:00:00,280 --> 01:00:03,080
‎要是小孩說：“別在意”，我會被嚇到

1190
01:00:03,880 --> 01:00:07,840
‎他們的詞彙太精準
‎“醫師，我會知無不言”

1191
01:00:09,600 --> 01:00:10,920
‎007電影裡的反派

1192
01:00:11,000 --> 01:00:12,680
‎“我什麼都說”

1193
01:00:13,640 --> 01:00:15,480
‎“有時我覺得

1194
01:00:16,480 --> 01:00:17,320
‎自己很輕佻”

1195
01:00:18,720 --> 01:00:20,560
‎“我會把自己鎖在房裡…

1196
01:00:21,240 --> 01:00:22,080
‎或者應該說

1197
01:00:23,200 --> 01:00:24,120
‎是玄關”

1198
01:00:24,200 --> 01:00:27,000
‎“我會搓…

1199
01:00:30,400 --> 01:00:33,000
‎醫師，很劇烈地

1200
01:00:33,080 --> 01:00:34,560
‎搓奶頭那一塊”

1201
01:00:36,000 --> 01:00:37,320
‎“我覺得我的靈魂

1202
01:00:38,480 --> 01:00:39,720
‎得到超脫”

1203
01:00:41,040 --> 01:00:43,080
‎“醫師，這種感覺很棒”

1204
01:00:45,360 --> 01:00:47,400
‎我形容地比較不可怕

1205
01:00:47,480 --> 01:00:49,400
‎相信我，我當時比較不可怕

1206
01:00:50,720 --> 01:00:51,640
‎但我告訴了她

1207
01:00:53,200 --> 01:00:55,400
‎我發誓這是真的，她說

1208
01:00:56,080 --> 01:00:56,920
‎“什麼？”

1209
01:00:58,120 --> 01:00:59,200
‎她笑了！

1210
01:01:00,360 --> 01:01:03,800
‎於是我發誓我再也不聊這件事

1211
01:01:04,320 --> 01:01:05,760
‎死都不會講！

1212
01:01:05,840 --> 01:01:08,520
‎只要德國不…

1213
01:01:08,600 --> 01:01:09,520
‎沒啦，開玩笑的

1214
01:01:10,520 --> 01:01:13,680
‎但我很難為情，非常難為情

1215
01:01:14,480 --> 01:01:17,640
‎我把它深埋在心底，好幾年都沒提

1216
01:01:19,040 --> 01:01:21,240
‎這是我和這個女生的第一次約會

1217
01:01:22,440 --> 01:01:25,080
‎不久之前，上個女生…

1218
01:01:25,160 --> 01:01:26,400
‎是在席哈克當政時期

1219
01:01:26,480 --> 01:01:29,440
‎所以很久了

1220
01:01:30,520 --> 01:01:32,760
‎因為沒隔多久，但我不太自在

1221
01:01:32,840 --> 01:01:37,440
‎第一次約會，我不斷說笑
‎想讓她愛我，但她阻止我

1222
01:01:37,520 --> 01:01:38,480
‎她說：“嘿”

1223
01:01:39,560 --> 01:01:42,640
‎“你一直在說笑，我們沒有認真聊天”

1224
01:01:42,720 --> 01:01:46,080
‎“我們該認識彼此，聊聊彼此的人生”

1225
01:01:46,640 --> 01:01:49,080
‎“你沒有好玩的童年往事嗎？”

1226
01:01:52,240 --> 01:01:53,840
‎我說：“我有故事可以聊

1227
01:01:54,520 --> 01:01:56,520
‎但妳先說看看”

1228
01:01:57,120 --> 01:01:59,280
‎我想知道該講哪種故事

1229
01:01:59,800 --> 01:02:02,640
‎我以為她會講俏皮的事，“我先講”

1230
01:02:03,320 --> 01:02:04,560
‎“我是左撇子

1231
01:02:05,080 --> 01:02:07,280
‎但用右手打網球！”

1232
01:02:09,080 --> 01:02:11,400
‎我不能接著說：“我的話

1233
01:02:12,760 --> 01:02:15,080
‎我會摸自己的奶頭，讓自己消失！

1234
01:02:15,160 --> 01:02:17,280
‎“兩隻手都行！我左右開弓！”不行

1235
01:02:19,760 --> 01:02:20,840
‎所以我讓她先講

1236
01:02:20,920 --> 01:02:23,240
‎她說的事有點大膽，讓我放心了

1237
01:02:23,320 --> 01:02:26,080
‎我告訴了她，她呆住
‎問我：“什麼？”

1238
01:02:28,160 --> 01:02:29,000
‎“我也是”

1239
01:02:29,520 --> 01:02:30,800
‎我說：“什麼？”

1240
01:02:31,880 --> 01:02:33,760
‎你是否曾經太愛某個人

1241
01:02:33,840 --> 01:02:36,480
‎你希望它他死，因為你盛受不了？

1242
01:02:36,560 --> 01:02:38,880
‎像是：“我喜歡妳！”

1243
01:02:38,960 --> 01:02:40,440
‎“不，我喜歡過他們！”

1244
01:02:41,480 --> 01:02:43,800
‎沒有，從沒這樣過？我也沒有

1245
01:02:43,880 --> 01:02:46,880
‎我想看看我們是不是一樣

1246
01:02:46,960 --> 01:02:48,240
‎竟然一樣，好誇張

1247
01:02:49,400 --> 01:02:52,240
‎我超興奮地說：“繼續說！我想聽”

1248
01:02:52,320 --> 01:02:55,680
‎她說：“我從沒對人說過，我做不到”

1249
01:02:56,240 --> 01:02:57,080
‎我說：“讚啦！”

1250
01:02:58,240 --> 01:02:59,240
‎她說：“嗯…”

1251
01:03:04,480 --> 01:03:07,800
‎“我小時候覺得自己很礙事

1252
01:03:08,480 --> 01:03:11,680
‎我會把自己鎖在浴室，覺得很可恥

1253
01:03:12,760 --> 01:03:15,040
‎我覺得壓力很大，很荒唐”

1254
01:03:15,680 --> 01:03:19,920
‎“我常去浴室，沒有水
‎只有冰冷的磁磚，糟透了”

1255
01:03:20,440 --> 01:03:22,840
‎“我會搓我的肋骨，我是搓肋骨”

1256
01:03:22,920 --> 01:03:25,520
‎“這種感覺像被電擊

1257
01:03:25,600 --> 01:03:28,160
‎我覺得自己消失了

1258
01:03:29,320 --> 01:03:32,640
‎不在世間，感覺很棒，死了一會”

1259
01:03:32,720 --> 01:03:34,840
‎“我因此更珍惜生命”

1260
01:03:38,800 --> 01:03:40,000
‎我告訴她：“我能不能…

1261
01:03:40,960 --> 01:03:43,200
‎“能不能用我的乳頭摩擦妳的肋骨？”

1262
01:03:44,360 --> 01:03:46,440
‎“看看我們會不會同時消失”

1263
01:03:47,720 --> 01:03:48,560
‎她笑了

1264
01:03:49,680 --> 01:03:51,160
‎那不是笑話，她竟然笑了

1265
01:03:53,040 --> 01:03:56,880
‎我愛上了她，第一次約會卻不敢親她

1266
01:03:58,200 --> 01:04:01,200
‎第二次約會，我感覺她也想接吻
‎但我做不到

1267
01:04:01,280 --> 01:04:04,400
‎第三次約會一團糟
‎我聊過第四次約會了

1268
01:04:04,920 --> 01:04:08,200
‎第四次約會後，她離開公寓
‎我和室友在一起

1269
01:04:08,280 --> 01:04:11,200
‎我心如死灰地說：“她會找下個對象
‎不能怪她”

1270
01:04:11,720 --> 01:04:15,120
‎“四次約會？然後八次？十二次？
‎之後我就得付她薪水！”

1271
01:04:15,200 --> 01:04:16,560
‎“這是僱用合約！”

1272
01:04:17,080 --> 01:04:19,160
‎他在踱步，沒在聽

1273
01:04:19,920 --> 01:04:20,760
‎他說：“不行！”

1274
01:04:22,160 --> 01:04:23,720
‎“我們要吻她才行！”

1275
01:04:24,240 --> 01:04:27,320
‎我說：“你太認真了，嚇到我”

1276
01:04:27,400 --> 01:04:28,960
‎他說：“你給我聽好！”

1277
01:04:29,760 --> 01:04:33,360
‎“第五次約會，邀她來這裡
‎我會在我房間，不會偷聽”

1278
01:04:34,320 --> 01:04:37,800
‎“她按門鈴，你開門
‎但讓她待在走廊”

1279
01:04:39,120 --> 01:04:41,240
‎“她一按鈴你就開門，別說說話”

1280
01:04:41,320 --> 01:04:44,000
‎“看著她的眼睛，直接親下去”

1281
01:04:45,000 --> 01:04:46,960
‎“你再退後一步，讓她進來”

1282
01:04:48,360 --> 01:04:49,320
‎“然後你說：'嘿'”

1283
01:04:50,240 --> 01:04:53,440
‎“那是妳這一生最長的三分鐘吧？”

1284
01:04:57,240 --> 01:04:59,760
‎事後想來，我才知道那真是爛點子

1285
01:05:00,560 --> 01:05:04,040
‎別生氣，但當時我覺得
‎“你真是天才！”

1286
01:05:04,120 --> 01:05:06,120
‎很多證據反駁這一點

1287
01:05:06,200 --> 01:05:08,400
‎八個前妻，每月付十二次扶養費

1288
01:05:08,480 --> 01:05:09,480
‎這樣還合法嗎？

1289
01:05:10,680 --> 01:05:13,560
‎我聽了他的話
‎72小時後，我精心打扮

1290
01:05:13,640 --> 01:05:15,240
‎等著第五次約會

1291
01:05:17,000 --> 01:05:19,920
‎她到了，我們聽到
‎高跟鞋踩在木質地板上的聲音

1292
01:05:20,440 --> 01:05:23,360
‎“我們”？因為他打開房門
‎“聽到沒？她來了！”

1293
01:05:23,440 --> 01:05:25,200
‎“好，我覺得我們兩人很可悲”

1294
01:05:25,280 --> 01:05:27,880
‎“超怪的，把褲子穿上啦”

1295
01:05:30,080 --> 01:05:30,920
‎她按了門鈴

1296
01:05:35,200 --> 01:05:36,040
‎我開門

1297
01:05:37,960 --> 01:05:39,320
‎我看著她的雙眼

1298
01:05:41,960 --> 01:05:42,800
‎我什麼都沒做

1299
01:05:44,200 --> 01:05:45,400
‎我腦海就像…

1300
01:05:47,240 --> 01:05:51,840
‎她往前一步要進屋子，如我們所料

1301
01:05:52,760 --> 01:05:55,120
‎想像一下，你按對方的門鈴
‎他們開門，然後…

1302
01:05:57,320 --> 01:06:00,640
‎你開始懷疑自己
‎“按門鈴的是我還是妳？”

1303
01:06:00,720 --> 01:06:02,720
‎“誰要進來？我不懂”

1304
01:06:03,600 --> 01:06:06,520
‎她直覺往前進，我慌了

1305
01:06:06,600 --> 01:06:08,680
‎他說應該讓她待在走廊！

1306
01:06:09,240 --> 01:06:12,400
‎我用手肘擋住她
‎假裝這個姿勢很自然

1307
01:06:12,480 --> 01:06:14,680
‎她往後退
‎問我：“你沒事吧，帕納約提斯？”

1308
01:06:14,760 --> 01:06:17,240
‎我想：“要親就趁現在，進攻！”

1309
01:06:18,000 --> 01:06:20,960
‎我要親她，但動作很不浪漫

1310
01:06:21,920 --> 01:06:23,160
‎好像殭屍一樣

1311
01:06:23,840 --> 01:06:24,680
‎我就…

1312
01:06:26,360 --> 01:06:28,920
‎我越靠近，她往後退

1313
01:06:29,440 --> 01:06:31,520
‎我想：“想不到距離這麼遠”

1314
01:06:32,240 --> 01:06:34,760
‎“早知道就帶點心來”

1315
01:06:35,560 --> 01:06:39,480
‎我無法再往前
‎我的等長臀肌已經拉到極限

1316
01:06:40,120 --> 01:06:40,960
‎沒親到

1317
01:06:41,040 --> 01:06:42,360
‎沒碰到，完全沒有

1318
01:06:43,640 --> 01:06:48,080
‎但我只說了
‎“妳這一生最長的三分鐘”

1319
01:06:49,840 --> 01:06:51,680
‎超丟臉，我用這種語調

1320
01:06:52,280 --> 01:06:54,720
‎超噁心，感覺我才剛虐待她

1321
01:06:55,600 --> 01:06:58,440
‎“妳這一生最長的三分鐘
‎反法西斯烈士！”

1322
01:06:58,520 --> 01:07:00,880
‎很奇怪

1323
01:07:00,960 --> 01:07:04,680
‎她挺直身體問
‎”我這一生最長的三分鐘？”

1324
01:07:06,360 --> 01:07:09,040
‎“你是說最怪異的三分鐘那件事？”

1325
01:07:11,280 --> 01:07:12,640
‎“你是想親我？”

1326
01:07:14,000 --> 01:07:17,520
‎我說：“幹嘛這麼說？”

1327
01:07:19,400 --> 01:07:22,440
‎我又不能摸乳頭消失
‎她知道這件事！

1328
01:07:23,040 --> 01:07:27,160
‎我真的在想
‎“她死了對我們兩個都好”

1329
01:07:29,000 --> 01:07:30,040
‎“我們就能往前走”

1330
01:07:30,760 --> 01:07:31,760
‎“尤其是我”

1331
01:07:32,400 --> 01:07:34,560
‎我失敗了，在我的公寓裡

1332
01:07:34,640 --> 01:07:37,960
‎她在走廊，我們之間隔著開著的門

1333
01:07:38,040 --> 01:07:39,040
‎就是這樣

1334
01:07:39,120 --> 01:07:39,960
‎我們在聊天

1335
01:07:40,520 --> 01:07:46,160
‎我知道在我的視線盲點
‎有個人在牆後面

1336
01:07:47,040 --> 01:07:47,880
‎我只聽到

1337
01:07:49,200 --> 01:07:50,440
‎“快親她！”

1338
01:07:51,560 --> 01:07:53,520
‎跟足球比賽一樣，王八蛋！

1339
01:07:54,040 --> 01:07:56,440
‎她聽到聲音，往裡面看

1340
01:07:56,520 --> 01:07:57,520
‎她看到他了！

1341
01:07:58,920 --> 01:08:00,000
‎“他是你室友？”

1342
01:08:00,080 --> 01:08:02,160
‎我說：“啊？什麼？”

1343
01:08:02,240 --> 01:08:04,320
‎她問：“他不是你室友？”

1344
01:08:07,640 --> 01:08:09,440
‎“有個穿著短褲的男人”

1345
01:08:10,760 --> 01:08:13,080
‎“所以你才不想讓我進來？”

1346
01:08:13,600 --> 01:08:16,720
‎不知道她在說笑，還是想推我一把

1347
01:08:17,240 --> 01:08:19,960
‎但我完全照字面上來判讀，我說…

1348
01:08:26,640 --> 01:08:27,880
‎“我什麼人都沒看到”

1349
01:08:29,600 --> 01:08:30,600
‎我否認有人

1350
01:08:32,040 --> 01:08:32,880
‎真的

1351
01:08:33,440 --> 01:08:35,440
‎就算他在現場，我還是想否認

1352
01:08:35,960 --> 01:08:39,800
‎我睜眼說瞎話
‎以為她會說：“你的立燈好潮！”

1353
01:08:40,520 --> 01:08:41,760
‎我真笨！

1354
01:08:42,520 --> 01:08:44,760
‎當時我想：“糟了，別這麼說”

1355
01:08:45,360 --> 01:08:47,920
‎我努力補救，假裝那是笑話！

1356
01:08:48,000 --> 01:08:49,840
‎但那陣靜默讓我露出馬腳

1357
01:08:50,520 --> 01:08:51,760
‎“我什麼人都沒看到”

1358
01:08:55,920 --> 01:08:56,760
‎低能兒

1359
01:08:58,080 --> 01:09:01,040
‎好在她很幽默
‎她說：“他有實體嗎？”

1360
01:09:02,240 --> 01:09:03,080
‎“好”

1361
01:09:07,720 --> 01:09:09,400
‎“我能清楚地看到他”

1362
01:09:12,840 --> 01:09:15,040
‎“抱歉！很高興認識妳”

1363
01:09:15,960 --> 01:09:17,960
‎“這個問題很怪，但你有實體嗎？”

1364
01:09:18,480 --> 01:09:19,520
‎但他就…

1365
01:09:30,440 --> 01:09:31,680
‎“幹，我不知道”

1366
01:09:35,120 --> 01:09:36,880
‎“但我們會把蝸牛殼裝滿”

1367
01:09:47,600 --> 01:09:48,640
‎事實更糟糕

1368
01:09:48,720 --> 01:09:51,480
‎她對他說話，他直接轉身離開

1369
01:09:51,560 --> 01:09:54,120
‎想：“我不回她，她就不知道我存在”

1370
01:09:55,080 --> 01:09:57,040
‎她看著我

1371
01:09:57,720 --> 01:10:00,160
‎像是在說：“你有時蠻呆的”

1372
01:10:00,240 --> 01:10:01,640
‎她推開門

1373
01:10:02,480 --> 01:10:04,160
‎自信地走了進來

1374
01:10:04,240 --> 01:10:05,440
‎好像她付了房租一樣

1375
01:10:06,280 --> 01:10:08,720
‎她把我推到角落

1376
01:10:10,000 --> 01:10:11,400
‎看著我的雙眼

1377
01:10:12,560 --> 01:10:13,480
‎這並不可愛

1378
01:10:14,560 --> 01:10:15,400
‎像隻鸚鵡

1379
01:10:19,160 --> 01:10:22,280
‎我看得出，她知道我不懂怎麼接吻

1380
01:10:23,320 --> 01:10:26,000
‎那超出我的能力，我家沒這種DNA

1381
01:10:27,960 --> 01:10:28,800
‎她吻了我

1382
01:10:35,440 --> 01:10:36,520
‎我又不狗狗！

1383
01:10:38,400 --> 01:10:41,320
‎聽起來好像：“牠會自己便便了！”

1384
01:10:41,400 --> 01:10:42,960
‎“好棒棒，狗狗！”不是

1385
01:10:47,640 --> 01:10:49,000
‎我沒有感覺

1386
01:10:51,800 --> 01:10:53,640
‎“我們搞不清楚狀況！”

1387
01:10:55,000 --> 01:10:58,800
‎我在她面前呆若木雞

1388
01:10:58,880 --> 01:11:03,960
‎我覺得冷冷的
‎離她和我自己非常遙遠

1389
01:11:04,040 --> 01:11:06,400
‎離一切都很遠，覺得孤獨，很奇怪

1390
01:11:06,920 --> 01:11:08,480
‎她走去沙發

1391
01:11:09,040 --> 01:11:11,120
‎我也是，很怪，這是我家耶

1392
01:11:12,200 --> 01:11:13,440
‎我們聊了一兩個小時

1393
01:11:13,520 --> 01:11:15,720
‎在聊天的時候

1394
01:11:15,800 --> 01:11:18,760
‎我感覺好像很喜歡她

1395
01:11:19,560 --> 01:11:21,400
‎但她吻我時，我沒感覺

1396
01:11:22,640 --> 01:11:24,480
‎她要上班，所以必須離開

1397
01:11:24,560 --> 01:11:27,720
‎我送她到門口，她慢慢地吻我

1398
01:11:27,800 --> 01:11:30,160
‎沒感覺，比之前更沒感覺，好奇怪

1399
01:11:30,680 --> 01:11:34,480
‎她說：“我想，我們會更常見面”

1400
01:11:35,600 --> 01:11:37,120
‎我說：“對”

1401
01:11:41,400 --> 01:11:42,720
‎當時我已經可以這麼做了

1402
01:11:44,160 --> 01:11:45,120
‎我覺得迷惘

1403
01:11:46,480 --> 01:11:48,920
‎我回到屋裡，走了1公尺

1404
01:11:50,200 --> 01:11:52,440
‎坐在沙發，我在想

1405
01:11:52,520 --> 01:11:54,360
‎真的，一字不差

1406
01:11:55,960 --> 01:11:56,880
‎“現在你明白了”

1407
01:11:59,080 --> 01:12:00,640
‎“你不懂怎麼去愛”

1408
01:12:01,720 --> 01:12:04,320
‎我整個背脊發涼，很蠢，但我相信了

1409
01:12:04,400 --> 01:12:09,360
‎我説服自己，對自己說
‎“你不懂怎麼去愛，這種事很難免”

1410
01:12:09,440 --> 01:12:11,840
‎“你爸不常表達愛，所以你也不懂”

1411
01:12:11,920 --> 01:12:12,960
‎“事情就是如此”

1412
01:12:13,040 --> 01:12:15,960
‎“有些人很懂怎麼去愛，有些人不懂”

1413
01:12:16,040 --> 01:12:19,920
‎“有些人會做麵包
‎有些人做的麵包很難吃”

1414
01:12:20,840 --> 01:12:22,080
‎“鹽要多一點”

1415
01:12:23,720 --> 01:12:25,160
‎我室友走了出來

1416
01:12:25,240 --> 01:12:28,240
‎他聽得一清二楚，把手放在我肩上

1417
01:12:28,920 --> 01:12:29,840
‎輕聲地說

1418
01:12:30,520 --> 01:12:33,600
‎“你是男人了，讚！真以你為傲”

1419
01:12:34,920 --> 01:12:36,840
‎我覺得焦慮不安

1420
01:12:38,160 --> 01:12:40,400
‎心想：“我愛上他了嗎？”

1421
01:12:43,520 --> 01:12:46,320
‎但願我能告訴大家
‎我和這個女生在約會

1422
01:12:46,400 --> 01:12:47,680
‎生了可愛的小孩

1423
01:12:47,760 --> 01:12:51,480
‎每週末見面吃早午餐

1424
01:12:52,720 --> 01:12:53,640
‎班尼迪克蛋

1425
01:12:55,080 --> 01:12:56,520
‎但我後來沒再見她

1426
01:12:59,320 --> 01:13:00,680
‎有些人很失望

1427
01:13:01,320 --> 01:13:03,280
‎對你們來說，這是表演
‎但卻是我的人生

1428
01:13:07,960 --> 01:13:10,400
‎這個節目不久前才首演

1429
01:13:11,200 --> 01:13:13,680
‎就在美好的疫情之前

1430
01:13:13,760 --> 01:13:15,680
‎讚爆了！應該再來一遍

1431
01:13:17,120 --> 01:13:20,400
‎首演前我很怕
‎我害怕時就會打給我媽

1432
01:13:20,480 --> 01:13:22,600
‎我告訴她我很怕，這很實際

1433
01:13:23,760 --> 01:13:25,760
‎我說：“我感覺不像自己”

1434
01:13:26,520 --> 01:13:28,520
‎她說：“他這樣真的很煩！”

1435
01:13:29,040 --> 01:13:30,680
‎“帕納約，你是你自己！”

1436
01:13:31,200 --> 01:13:33,600
‎“你打來時，顯示的是你的名字！”

1437
01:13:34,320 --> 01:13:36,440
‎在這種時刻，她總是這麼可愛

1438
01:13:37,000 --> 01:13:38,360
‎“是因為節目嗎？”

1439
01:13:38,920 --> 01:13:41,760
‎我說：“我不知道，應該是”

1440
01:13:42,440 --> 01:13:43,880
‎“聽好，這是你的首演”

1441
01:13:44,760 --> 01:13:47,240
‎“舞台上的首演
‎和其她的第一次都是一樣的”

1442
01:13:47,320 --> 01:13:48,480
‎“你要全力以赴”

1443
01:13:49,080 --> 01:13:51,240
‎“不喜歡就嘗試其他選擇”

1444
01:13:52,080 --> 01:13:53,200
‎“這是你的首演”

1445
01:13:53,720 --> 01:13:56,200
‎“你會搞砸的，沒關係啦”
‎“別說了！”

1446
01:13:57,200 --> 01:13:58,640
‎“這句話是多餘的”

1447
01:13:59,280 --> 01:14:01,680
‎她總能像尚克勞德范達美一樣
‎把話圓過來

1448
01:14:01,760 --> 01:14:07,920
‎她說：“我是說你會搞得很成功！”

1449
01:14:08,000 --> 01:14:09,800
‎她把電話拿給我爸

1450
01:14:11,400 --> 01:14:14,640
‎他接過電話後，我聽到他的呼吸聲
‎我說了心底話

1451
01:14:14,720 --> 01:14:15,560
‎我對他說

1452
01:14:16,520 --> 01:14:17,360
‎“我很害怕”

1453
01:14:17,960 --> 01:14:19,920
‎我在表達我的感覺，他保持沉默

1454
01:14:21,280 --> 01:14:25,240
‎他問：“因為表演的關係嗎？”
‎我說：“幹嘛這麼說？？”

1455
01:14:26,040 --> 01:14:28,240
‎他說：“首演完打給我

1456
01:14:28,320 --> 01:14:31,560
‎事後再告訴我，過程中不要對我說“

1457
01:14:33,640 --> 01:14:34,480
‎我聽到…

1458
01:14:35,760 --> 01:14:38,720
‎爸爸們在電話中說完奇怪的刻薄笑話
‎之後才會發出的聲音

1459
01:14:39,600 --> 01:14:41,400
‎我了解我們都是一樣

1460
01:14:42,080 --> 01:14:43,760
‎我第一次用他那招將他一軍

1461
01:14:44,280 --> 01:14:46,760
‎“事後再告訴你？”

1462
01:14:47,320 --> 01:14:48,160
‎“好啊”

1463
01:14:48,680 --> 01:14:52,360
‎“要是我女友懷孕了
‎孩子生了再告訴你嗎？”

1464
01:14:53,320 --> 01:14:55,520
‎他說：“沒錯”

1465
01:14:57,320 --> 01:14:58,160
‎死要面子

1466
01:14:58,880 --> 01:15:01,320
‎我們想看看誰先投降

1467
01:15:02,320 --> 01:15:05,520
‎“你女友出院時再打給我”

1468
01:15:05,600 --> 01:15:08,680
‎“那她自己會打，不用我打”

1469
01:15:10,200 --> 01:15:12,560
‎他說：“寶寶會打，別擔心”

1470
01:15:15,960 --> 01:15:18,280
‎因為他真的很幽默，他又說

1471
01:15:19,440 --> 01:15:21,080
‎“你還是單身吧？”

1472
01:15:22,920 --> 01:15:24,400
‎“結束了再打給我”

1473
01:15:35,320 --> 01:15:36,720
‎“其實，關於這一點

1474
01:15:36,800 --> 01:15:38,160
‎也許我寫這個腳本

1475
01:15:39,200 --> 01:15:41,440
‎是想告訴你和媽，我一直說不出口

1476
01:15:41,520 --> 01:15:44,080
‎但我沒辦法親口說的話
‎這很令我煩躁”

1477
01:15:45,440 --> 01:15:46,280
‎他說

1478
01:15:48,200 --> 01:15:49,760
‎“我大概知道，小混混”

1479
01:15:51,640 --> 01:15:53,560
‎“你應該知道我…”然後我就…

1480
01:15:54,720 --> 01:15:55,840
‎他說：“什麼？”

1481
01:15:55,920 --> 01:15:57,280
‎我說：“別說出來”

1482
01:15:57,920 --> 01:16:01,040
‎他說：“我不想說”
‎我回：“那就別說”

1483
01:16:01,560 --> 01:16:02,560
‎“我不會說”

1484
01:16:03,760 --> 01:16:04,840
‎接著一陣靜默

1485
01:16:05,760 --> 01:16:06,840
‎他又說

1486
01:16:09,320 --> 01:16:10,800
‎“兒子，祝你表演順利”

1487
01:16:11,560 --> 01:16:12,400
‎我說

1488
01:16:13,840 --> 01:16:14,680
‎“你也是”

1489
01:16:18,520 --> 01:16:19,360
‎我幾乎要說：

1490
01:16:20,480 --> 01:16:22,440
‎“謝謝你，晚安”

1491
01:17:27,840 --> 01:17:32,840
‎（感謝我爸媽）

1492
01:18:50,720 --> 01:18:53,720
‎字幕翻譯：易敬能