WEBVTT FILE

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Downloaded from
YTS.MX

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["Hard to Kill" by Bleached plays]

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Official YIFY movies site:
YTS.MX

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[audience cheering and applauding]

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Hello!

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Denver!

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-[cheering and applause continues]
-[Patton laughs]

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Oh my God!

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Hello. Thank you.

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Thank you.

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Thank you.

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[cheering continues]

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Thank you.

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Oh my God!

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Yes!

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Thank you all so much
for coming out tonight.

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Um… Hey, I broke my foot.

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Yeah.

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That's how I started my year.
I broke my foot. Uh…

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It was… It took two…
It happened in two parts.

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Uh, the second part was
I slipped off a curb and I landed wrong.

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That was the second part.

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The first and most important part was
I turned 53.

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-That is the crucial part.
-[audience laughs]

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I… You turn…

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Once you get past 50, everything's fatal.

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I… When I was in my twenties,
I would walk into propellers

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and put some Bactine on it.

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I was fine.

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And now if a pine cone falls near me,
my spine implodes.

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-I don't know what… Like that.
-[audience laughs]

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Broke my foot, and then the day after…

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I'm gonna drop a name. All right.

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Uh, the day after I broke my foot,
Glenn Howerton, my friend Glenn Howerton…

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[audience cheers]

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…who is almost 50,
but for this bit he's over 50.

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I needed to…
Come on, who cares about logic?

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He broke his collarbone.

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So I called him up, gave him
a little solidarity, a little support.

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"Hey, man. I broke my foot."
"What happened?"

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In my mind, I'm thinking,

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"Well, he was probably reaching
for a bag of SunChips wrong,

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and his collarbone broke or something."

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And he said, "Yeah, I was snowboarding.
I landed a flip wrong."

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All right.

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-Fuck off. Fuck off.
-[audience laughing]

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You don't need to go to that much hassle.

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Once you get to a certain age,
you don't need…

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I don't even think that's what happened.
I think he's lying to me.

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I think… I think somebody
slammed a door near him,

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and then his collarbone
fell into his ass cheek.

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And then he told his wife,

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"Duct-tape me to a snowboard and push me
down a black diamond trail, please."

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"Give me some dignity for God's sake."

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[audience laughing]

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I'm gonna drop another name.

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A month after I broke my foot, Tony Hawk

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-broke his…
-[audience cheering]

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…broke his femur in two.

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Pow!

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Landed a vertical wrong.

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In his warehouse, doing his verticals,
landed it wrong. Broke his femur.

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DMs me a picture of his X-ray.

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He's like, "Looks like we're
in the same boat, buddy."

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I'm like, "No, we're fucking not."

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-You…
-[audience laughing]

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You just Jackie-Channed yourself
into even more coolness.

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[audience laughs]

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He found a whole other level of cool.

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I slipped off a curb
like someone's aunt that saw a bird.

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-That is how I went down.
-[audience laughs]

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I went down
in the most embarrassing way possible.

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[audience chuckling]

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And the one weird thing that happened,
'cause when I did it

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I was still in my 23-year-old
denial head of,

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"I just twisted my ankle.
I'll drive home."

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I was at work.
"I'll drive home. I'll be fine."

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Driving home, it's hurting worse.
"Oh, this actually might be a real thing."

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I get home.
I can barely get out of the car now.

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And I'm limping across the street
to my house.

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And it's really hurting,
and then a car pulls up,

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these two women are driving,

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and the driver
rolls her window down and says,

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"You okay?"

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I'm like, "Oh, I twisted my ankle.
I live right here."

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"I'm going inside, put some ice on it."

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And then, and this haunts me,

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she said, "Well, don't give up."

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-[audience laughing]
-Which… Wait.

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What? Holy shit!

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What was the look on my face?

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[audience laughing]

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What did I… Did she… "He's gonna
kill himself. Pull over. Pull over."

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"Hey, don't give up."

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"Let me play this Peter Gabriel,
Kate Bush song. This'll really…"

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"Let's listen to this."

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Maybe that was just my face left over
from the shutdown and the pandemic.

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Is that how my face permanently is now?

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Because I didn't do
the shutdown well at all.

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I did a bad shutdown.

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I planned a great shutdown.

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I planned an amazing…
Remember when the shutdown happened?

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Supposed to stay home,
and you had that little memory

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of all the times you said,

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"If I could just get a month off,
I could get my shit together."

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[audience laughs]

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"I could get my life…
I just need a month off."

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I planned a great shutdown.

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I executed the worst one ever.

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Oh my God, the list I made.

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The list we all made.
We all made the same list? Yes, you did.

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All the great books you were gonna read.
All the great books.

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All the skills you were gonna learn.

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Oh my God,
we couldn't wait to work on ourselves.

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If I had actually followed
the list that I made,

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there'd be a different man
standing in front of you right now.

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He'd be 30 pounds lighter.

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He'd be speaking fluent Italian.

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[audience laughs]

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When all of you walked in,

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there would have been
a handmade raspberry almond crumble tart

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on everyone's chair, on each chair.

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I would have hand-milled the flour
this morning.

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[audience laughing]

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You would have eaten it
off of an origami plate.

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[audience laughs]

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When you're done eating, you throw
the plate down, it pops up into a frog.

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-Oh my God! Oh, the plans I had!
-[audience laughing]

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I didn't do any of that shit.

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I ate Doritos for breakfast,

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and I watched Deadwood twice
all the way through.

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Watched it. Finished it.

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Back to episode one. Hit play.

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[audience laughing]

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That's all I fucking did.

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And then I went crazier
than a barn full of clown pubes.

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That is what I did

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during the shutdown.

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And listen, when I…

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When I say,
"Crazier than a barn full of clown pubes…"

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[audience laughing]

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…I'm not kink-shaming.

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-I'm not judging.
-[audience laughs]

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Clowns have as much right
to have a varied and experimental,

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adventurous sex life.

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I'm saying the source of the crazy
isn't the clown pubes.

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It's the having the thought
and then the follow-through

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of "I'm gonna fill this barn…"

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[audience laughing]

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"…with the p--"
I just want that to be clear.

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That the source of the crazy is the barn.

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The barn full of pubes
isn't even the crazy.

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It was the act of filling the barn…

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Listen, if you…

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If you just filled a barn with pubes,
you've checked off the crazy box.

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[audience laughing]

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But this person went,
"I'm putting obstructions in my way."

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"I will only collect the pub--"

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Also, how do you… There's no way to know.
Clown pubes don't look different.

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Like, they're not bright orange.
They're not rainbow-colored. Look.

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Some are, but a lot…
There's a lot of… Listen.

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There…

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There's a lot of non-clown pubes
that are bright orange

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and rainbow-colored.

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That's not what I'm saying here.
What I'm saying is there's no way

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that… Okay, this is what I'm saying.

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Wait. Fuck.

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Okay.

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If you…

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Like, okay, if you're walking around…

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[audience laughing]

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…and there's a barn,
and you open those two big doors,

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there's a wall of pubes,

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and you go, "Well, there's a maniac
roaming the countryside."

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If someone said,
"Those are only clown pubes."

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Like, "Oh! We gotta call
the National Guard."

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Wait a minute. What?

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'Cause there's no way to prove that.

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[audience laughing]

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Oh, okay, wait. You could do this.

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Every time…

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Every time that you collect…

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Not… Not a…

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Not a clump. That's gross.

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Not a clump of… No.

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[audience laughing]

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Clump is too gross.

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Thatch? No.

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[audience laughs]

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Thatch is too folksy.

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That's… That's the other…

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Like, if Cracker Barrel
opened a BDSM store,

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they would call it the Thatch of Pubes.
That's what it would be called.

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You'd go down to the Th--

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It'd probably be connected
to the Cracker Barrel. You'd go in,

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get a nice breakfast, then go, "Hang on.
I gotta pop into the Thatch of Pubes."

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[audience laughs]

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"Pay the bill.
I'll meet you at the front."

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[audience laughing]

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Thatch of Pu--

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♪ Thatch of Pubes ♪

202
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[audience laughs]

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[laughing] We…

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♪ We've got nipple clamps
And scented lubes ♪

205
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[audience laughs]

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We've got

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floggers, and paddles, and dildos. Oh my!

208
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And a tower of butt plugs
that kisses the sky.

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[audience laughs]

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-Tell 'em Petunia the pube pig sent ya.
-[audience laughs]

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Oink. All right. Um…

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[audience laughs]

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Handful. Handful of clown pubes. That's

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non-gender specific.

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Every time you collect
a handful of clown pubes,

216
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you take a Polaroid.

217
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You have a Polaroid,
so you're kneeling down.

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You're collecting the pubes.
You got your baggy.

219
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Gotta do it full length.
Get the whole clown in there.

220
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He or she's gotta be in their wig,
their makeup,

221
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holding that day's newspaper…

222
00:10:09.400 --> 00:10:11.193
-[audience laughing]
-…so you know.

223
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Then you take a hole-punch,
punch a hole through the Polaroid,

224
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get a ribbon, put it through that hole,

225
00:10:18.659 --> 00:10:22.705
tie the other end of the ribbon
to the… the… the handful of pubes,

226
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toss it in the barn…

227
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Every handful of pubes is accounted for.

228
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There you go.
And that's how you would pro--

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Fuck, no. No, you can't.

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You know why?

231
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No, that doesn't work,
because then someone can go,

232
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"Technically, you didn't fill
the barn with pubes

233
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because the ribbon
and the Polaroid took up--"

234
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No, it has to be
complete confidence in the speaker

235
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and total trust in the listener.

236
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When you say I tho--
This is what's happening right now, okay?

237
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We're starting this set out.

238
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Let's go on a journey for the next hour.

239
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I started off pretty strong, I think.

240
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I think I've won your trust,
but you know what? You shouldn't 100%--

241
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No. Not yet though.

242
00:11:05.873 --> 00:11:08.292
[audience laughing]

243
00:11:08.376 --> 00:11:11.837
Because what you've got…
Listen. What I've done, comedically,

244
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creatively, I have opened the barn doors.

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[audience laughing]

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And there's a wall of pubes.

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[audience laughing]

248
00:11:19.595 --> 00:11:22.848
And yes, it's impressive,
but you're right to go, "You know what?"

249
00:11:22.932 --> 00:11:26.435
"I bet that wall of pubes,
I bet that's a half an inch thick."

250
00:11:26.519 --> 00:11:28.771
"And there's a big
sheet of plywood behind,

251
00:11:28.854 --> 00:11:30.606
and the rest of the barn is empty."

252
00:11:30.690 --> 00:11:33.609
"I've been screwed over too many…"
You're right to think that.

253
00:11:33.693 --> 00:11:35.361
What I'm… This is what I'm doing.

254
00:11:35.444 --> 00:11:37.405
As a comedian, I'm inviting you…

255
00:11:37.488 --> 00:11:42.743
I'm saying I want you
to run as hard as you can

256
00:11:43.369 --> 00:11:45.121
into this wall of pubes,

257
00:11:45.204 --> 00:11:48.249
and then, I want you
to fight your way back,

258
00:11:48.332 --> 00:11:51.001
just fight your way
to the back of the barn…

259
00:11:51.085 --> 00:11:52.628
[audience laughing]

260
00:11:52.712 --> 00:11:55.423
…until you're cocooned in pubes.

261
00:11:56.132 --> 00:11:57.842
You know what I mean? At the back.

262
00:11:57.925 --> 00:12:00.511
And when your hand hits that back wall,

263
00:12:01.011 --> 00:12:03.806
you will think, "I met a man of honor."

264
00:12:03.889 --> 00:12:06.100
-That is what you will think.
-[audience laughing]

265
00:12:06.183 --> 00:12:08.269
That is what I want for us.

266
00:12:08.352 --> 00:12:11.147
Not me, not you, us. All of us.

267
00:12:11.230 --> 00:12:12.356
That's what I want.

268
00:12:13.816 --> 00:12:16.610
Those are the kind of bits
I wrote during the shutdown.

269
00:12:16.694 --> 00:12:20.030
I'd be awake for eight days in a row…

270
00:12:20.114 --> 00:12:21.407
[applause]

271
00:12:21.490 --> 00:12:23.033
Five in the morning,

272
00:12:23.117 --> 00:12:26.078
"The fucking Polaroid doesn't even work!"

273
00:12:26.954 --> 00:12:27.955
Goddamn it!

274
00:12:28.038 --> 00:12:30.416
[audience cheering and applauding]

275
00:12:33.586 --> 00:12:35.129
I bought a trampoline.

276
00:12:35.212 --> 00:12:36.839
[audience laughs]

277
00:12:36.922 --> 00:12:40.092
Not a giant backyard…
One of those little workout ones.

278
00:12:40.176 --> 00:12:42.303
Yeah. Little tiny trampoline.

279
00:12:42.386 --> 00:12:44.764
It's called a rebounder. Awesome.

280
00:12:44.847 --> 00:12:48.100
You get up on it. You hop up and down,
get the lymphatic system going,

281
00:12:48.184 --> 00:12:52.646
"Here you go. Ooh.
Out, in. Forward, back. Ski it out."

282
00:12:53.314 --> 00:12:54.190
Great workout.

283
00:12:54.899 --> 00:12:57.193
Got it right at the beginning
of the pandemic.

284
00:12:57.777 --> 00:13:00.821
"I'm gonna stay fit during this thing,
man. I got my new rebounder."

285
00:13:00.905 --> 00:13:03.741
It came out of the box,
not a speck of dust on it.

286
00:13:03.824 --> 00:13:05.493
Oh, I was so excited.

287
00:13:05.576 --> 00:13:07.703
I could feel how excited
the rebounder was.

288
00:13:08.579 --> 00:13:11.540
You could feel it. He was like, "I'm gonna
make a difference in this house."

289
00:13:12.374 --> 00:13:15.336
"I belong here. I'm gonna change
things for the better."

290
00:13:15.419 --> 00:13:18.506
I'm like, "That's right, little rebounder.
Wanna go inside the house?"

291
00:13:18.589 --> 00:13:19.799
"You wanna go in the gym?"

292
00:13:19.882 --> 00:13:21.842
He's like, "Yeah."
We have a gym in our house.

293
00:13:21.926 --> 00:13:24.678
It's a room with an elliptical in it.
We call it a gym.

294
00:13:24.762 --> 00:13:26.263
[audience laughs]

295
00:13:26.347 --> 00:13:28.891
I take him inside. Oh, he's so excited.

296
00:13:29.725 --> 00:13:32.394
I put him down.
"I'll see you tomorrow, little rebounder."

297
00:13:32.478 --> 00:13:33.521
He goes, "Yeah."

298
00:13:34.188 --> 00:13:35.397
We both looked over

299
00:13:36.524 --> 00:13:37.650
at the elliptical.

300
00:13:37.733 --> 00:13:40.528
[audience laughs]

301
00:13:40.611 --> 00:13:41.862
Against the wall.

302
00:13:42.863 --> 00:13:44.448
Clothes hanging off of it.

303
00:13:44.532 --> 00:13:46.367
[audience laughs]

304
00:13:46.450 --> 00:13:47.701
Covered in dust.

305
00:13:48.661 --> 00:13:52.748
And I could feel
the rebounder's heart break.

306
00:13:52.832 --> 00:13:55.251
I could feel his…
You know what it felt like?

307
00:13:55.334 --> 00:13:58.295
It felt like the rookie cop
fresh out of the academy.

308
00:13:58.379 --> 00:14:02.466
He's like, "Give me the worst precinct
in town. I'll turn it around!"

309
00:14:02.550 --> 00:14:05.678
"I've got progressive policing techniques,
community outreach."

310
00:14:05.761 --> 00:14:07.304
"I'll make a difference."

311
00:14:07.388 --> 00:14:10.224
And he shows up that first day,
big thermos of green tea,

312
00:14:10.307 --> 00:14:12.601
little keto lunch, he's all excited.

313
00:14:14.270 --> 00:14:16.814
Looks over in the corner,
"Who's at his desk?"

314
00:14:16.897 --> 00:14:18.691
The old homicide cop.

315
00:14:18.774 --> 00:14:20.317
[audience laughs]

316
00:14:20.401 --> 00:14:21.944
Eight bullet holes in him.

317
00:14:22.444 --> 00:14:24.280
Eleven colostomy bags.

318
00:14:24.363 --> 00:14:26.699
[audience laughing]

319
00:14:26.782 --> 00:14:29.076
He's having
his seventh Viceroy of the morning.

320
00:14:29.159 --> 00:14:31.120
-[audience laughing]
-[Patton exhales]

321
00:14:32.079 --> 00:14:33.372
That's the elliptical.

322
00:14:33.455 --> 00:14:35.583
[audience laughing]

323
00:14:35.666 --> 00:14:37.543
Looks at the little rookie rebounder,

324
00:14:38.627 --> 00:14:39.962
"You're gonna learn, kid."

325
00:14:40.045 --> 00:14:42.047
[audience laughing]

326
00:14:42.131 --> 00:14:45.050
"You think I didn't have dreams
when I came here, huh?"

327
00:14:46.468 --> 00:14:47.887
"I was top of the line!"

328
00:14:48.721 --> 00:14:53.934
"You can stream movies on me,
TV shows, mountain programs, everything!"

329
00:14:54.018 --> 00:14:57.688
"Oh! I was gonna turn
this house of fatties around."

330
00:14:57.771 --> 00:14:59.565
[audience laughing]

331
00:14:59.648 --> 00:15:03.068
"That guy that just dropped you off,
he was on me day one."

332
00:15:03.569 --> 00:15:05.362
"Cute little workout outfit."

333
00:15:05.863 --> 00:15:09.158
"Little iPhone.
He downloaded a bunch of podcasts on it."

334
00:15:09.241 --> 00:15:10.910
"Ooh, a thinker!"

335
00:15:10.993 --> 00:15:12.995
[audience laughing]

336
00:15:14.204 --> 00:15:18.417
"He gets up on me,
stretch those little fat thighs,

337
00:15:18.500 --> 00:15:21.003
pumping them up and down." [grunting]

338
00:15:22.171 --> 00:15:24.048
"Thought he was gonna go the distance."

339
00:15:26.258 --> 00:15:28.677
"He didn't make it
past the first Blue Apron ad."

340
00:15:28.761 --> 00:15:31.263
-[inhales, exhales]
-[audience laughing]

341
00:15:32.806 --> 00:15:33.974
"Hopped off of me."

342
00:15:35.392 --> 00:15:37.561
"Went and checked his texts
in the crapper."

343
00:15:37.645 --> 00:15:39.480
[audience laughs]

344
00:15:40.064 --> 00:15:41.357
"He never came back."

345
00:15:41.440 --> 00:15:43.442
[audience laughs]

346
00:15:44.401 --> 00:15:45.903
"Oh, he'll be here tomorrow."

347
00:15:45.986 --> 00:15:48.155
"Oh, he'll be
in his little workout outfit."

348
00:15:48.238 --> 00:15:51.367
"He'll probably put
a little playlist on his iPhone."

349
00:15:51.450 --> 00:15:52.409
"Yeah."

350
00:15:52.493 --> 00:15:54.203
"He's a Gen X-er in his fifties."

351
00:15:54.286 --> 00:15:57.164
"I bet it'll be all early '80s
New Wave pop."

352
00:15:57.247 --> 00:15:58.916
[audience laughs]

353
00:16:00.042 --> 00:16:03.253
"That's how he's gonna get thin.
Nostalgia."

354
00:16:03.337 --> 00:16:05.464
[audience laughs]

355
00:16:05.547 --> 00:16:07.049
"He'll hop up on you,

356
00:16:07.132 --> 00:16:10.135
start jumping up and down
like a gibbon full of Skittles."

357
00:16:10.219 --> 00:16:12.638
[audience laughs]

358
00:16:13.305 --> 00:16:15.849
"What'll be the first song he listens to?
I can call it right now."

359
00:16:15.933 --> 00:16:18.060
"It'll be the Go-Go's
'Our Lips Are Sealed.'"

360
00:16:18.143 --> 00:16:19.561
"That'll be the first song."

361
00:16:20.270 --> 00:16:23.816
"And you'll be all excited.
'Oh, he's gonna go the full hour'"!

362
00:16:25.401 --> 00:16:27.444
"He won't make it past the bridge."

363
00:16:27.528 --> 00:16:29.238
[audience laughs]

364
00:16:29.822 --> 00:16:32.491
"The minute Jane Wiedlin
starts singing, "Hush my darling,"

365
00:16:32.574 --> 00:16:35.244
he'll hop off of you,
he'll check his texts in the crapper."

366
00:16:35.327 --> 00:16:36.912
"He'll never come back."

367
00:16:36.996 --> 00:16:38.414
[audience laughs]

368
00:16:38.497 --> 00:16:43.293
"Extinguish all joy within you,
and nothing'll ever hurt you again."

369
00:16:43.377 --> 00:16:45.212
[audience laughs]

370
00:16:47.214 --> 00:16:51.385
I just pitched
the saddest Pixar movie in the…

371
00:16:51.468 --> 00:16:54.054
If they do a movie
with the Safdie brothers,

372
00:16:54.138 --> 00:16:55.931
that's gotta be their movie.

373
00:16:57.599 --> 00:16:59.643
Harvey Keitel is the elliptical.

374
00:16:59.727 --> 00:17:02.312
[audience laughing]

375
00:17:02.980 --> 00:17:05.190
Timothée Chalamet is the rebounder.

376
00:17:05.274 --> 00:17:07.276
[audience laughing]

377
00:17:08.068 --> 00:17:11.780
And Frances McDormand
is the half-inflated exercise ball.

378
00:17:11.864 --> 00:17:13.866
[audience laughs]

379
00:17:17.995 --> 00:17:20.456
Went fucking crazy during the shutdown.

380
00:17:20.539 --> 00:17:24.585
My rock-bottom, psychologically,
during the shutdown

381
00:17:24.668 --> 00:17:26.920
happened on the same day
as my wife and daughter's.

382
00:17:27.004 --> 00:17:30.507
We all hit crazy rock-bottom
at the same time.

383
00:17:30.591 --> 00:17:32.426
Um, it was a weekday.

384
00:17:32.926 --> 00:17:35.304
We're all in the house, staying inside.

385
00:17:35.387 --> 00:17:36.346
Doing our part.

386
00:17:36.847 --> 00:17:37.931
Stop the spread.

387
00:17:38.932 --> 00:17:41.977
My daughter's in the kitchen,
and out of nowhere, she says,

388
00:17:42.061 --> 00:17:44.229
"Hey, there's a weird guy
in our backyard."

389
00:17:44.313 --> 00:17:46.648
[audience laughing]

390
00:17:46.732 --> 00:17:49.568
What the fuck? I go running out, "What?"

391
00:17:49.651 --> 00:17:52.446
Looking out, "I don't see anybody.
You saw someone?"

392
00:17:52.529 --> 00:17:55.449
She goes, "Some weird guy
just walked across our backyard

393
00:17:55.532 --> 00:17:58.118
and went around the back.
He's back there right now."

394
00:17:58.202 --> 00:17:59.536
I'm like, "Oh shit!"

395
00:18:00.329 --> 00:18:02.456
We have cameras all over the property.

396
00:18:02.539 --> 00:18:06.376
I have an app on my phone. You click it
and can look at what the camera sees.

397
00:18:06.460 --> 00:18:09.171
I'm waiting for it.
I'm gonna go back and confront him.

398
00:18:09.671 --> 00:18:11.799
I just wanna know
what I'm about to deal with.

399
00:18:12.299 --> 00:18:13.842
I don't know what's back there.

400
00:18:13.926 --> 00:18:16.929
What if it's a lost hippie
wanting someone to hacky-sack with him?

401
00:18:17.012 --> 00:18:18.388
"I'll hacky-sack with you."

402
00:18:18.472 --> 00:18:20.474
[audience laughing]

403
00:18:21.850 --> 00:18:25.145
Could be a maniac, nude, with a bucket
of chicken on his dick, holding a sword.

404
00:18:25.229 --> 00:18:28.357
I don't know what's back…
I just wanna be ready.

405
00:18:28.440 --> 00:18:29.858
[audience laughing]

406
00:18:32.236 --> 00:18:35.280
But the cameras aren't loading,
and I'm waiting for it. Goddamn it.

407
00:18:35.364 --> 00:18:36.532
And then my wife

408
00:18:37.157 --> 00:18:38.992
pushes past us,

409
00:18:39.076 --> 00:18:40.410
doesn't say anything

410
00:18:41.120 --> 00:18:43.914
and goes striding across the back lawn.

411
00:18:43.997 --> 00:18:47.751
She's got a white summer dress on
flowing in the wind, barefoot.

412
00:18:49.002 --> 00:18:52.047
And she's holding a pink,
aluminum baseball bat.

413
00:18:52.131 --> 00:18:54.133
[audience laughing]

414
00:18:55.843 --> 00:18:59.930
And she has serious Manson girl energy
coming off of her, like…

415
00:19:00.013 --> 00:19:01.140
[audience laughs]

416
00:19:01.223 --> 00:19:05.018
"Look at that hot, hippie chick
that I wanna fuck and get murdered by."

417
00:19:05.102 --> 00:19:06.311
"Yay."

418
00:19:06.395 --> 00:19:09.189
[laughing] So, she…

419
00:19:10.858 --> 00:19:14.611
It takes me a second to realize what
she's doing, then I go clomping after her,

420
00:19:14.695 --> 00:19:18.365
in my flip-flops and cargo pants,
but she's already around the corner

421
00:19:18.448 --> 00:19:20.659
and she's already laying into this guy.

422
00:19:20.742 --> 00:19:23.537
Before I can turn the corner,
I hear her screaming at him,

423
00:19:23.620 --> 00:19:26.957
"Who the fuck are you?
Get the fuck out of my yard!"

424
00:19:27.040 --> 00:19:28.542
"I will fuck you up."

425
00:19:28.625 --> 00:19:29.960
[audience laughing]

426
00:19:30.043 --> 00:19:31.837
[audience cheering and applauding]

427
00:19:31.920 --> 00:19:32.754
So…

428
00:19:36.300 --> 00:19:37.176
I…

429
00:19:38.260 --> 00:19:39.553
I turned the corner.

430
00:19:40.512 --> 00:19:42.181
She's in a stance.

431
00:19:42.264 --> 00:19:43.599
[audience laughs]

432
00:19:43.682 --> 00:19:46.393
Like Uma in Kill Bill, she's ready to go.

433
00:19:46.476 --> 00:19:47.895
[audience laughs]

434
00:19:48.395 --> 00:19:49.897
The guy she's yelling at,

435
00:19:50.814 --> 00:19:53.942
little scruffy looking,
didn't look crazy, didn't look homeless,

436
00:19:54.026 --> 00:19:54.985
holding a cell phone,

437
00:19:55.068 --> 00:19:57.988
just looked a little off,
and she's screaming and yelling at him,

438
00:19:58.071 --> 00:19:59.907
"What the fuck are you doing here?"

439
00:20:01.241 --> 00:20:02.659
Now I'm gonna stop the story

440
00:20:03.702 --> 00:20:05.621
and tell you what was actually happening.

441
00:20:06.997 --> 00:20:10.125
There was something wrong
with our air conditioner. I--

442
00:20:10.209 --> 00:20:11.585
[audience laughing]

443
00:20:11.668 --> 00:20:13.545
[audience continues laughing]

444
00:20:15.088 --> 00:20:16.840
I called our contractor

445
00:20:18.217 --> 00:20:22.054
and said, "Can you send someone
to the house to fix the AC?"

446
00:20:22.137 --> 00:20:23.347
Without telling us,

447
00:20:23.430 --> 00:20:27.601
he gave this guy our address
and gate code and sent him to the house.

448
00:20:27.684 --> 00:20:30.604
So yes, massive misunderstanding.

449
00:20:30.687 --> 00:20:33.857
My wife is now screaming at him,
and she's just fucking…

450
00:20:34.358 --> 00:20:36.276
Just blazing Valkyrie,

451
00:20:36.360 --> 00:20:39.947
shrieking at the top of her lungs
at this guy, "Who the fuck are you?"

452
00:20:40.030 --> 00:20:42.282
Now, to his discredit…

453
00:20:42.366 --> 00:20:43.992
[audience laughing]

454
00:20:44.076 --> 00:20:47.329
…when there is a blazing-eyed Valkyrie

455
00:20:47.829 --> 00:20:50.290
holding a vagina-colored piece of metal…

456
00:20:50.374 --> 00:20:51.667
[audience laughing]

457
00:20:51.750 --> 00:20:53.252
…threatening to kill you,

458
00:20:54.294 --> 00:20:58.382
answer in short, declarative sentences.

459
00:20:58.465 --> 00:21:00.467
[audience laughing]

460
00:21:00.550 --> 00:21:02.302
[applause]

461
00:21:02.928 --> 00:21:03.887
This guy…

462
00:21:04.513 --> 00:21:08.308
This guy was going,
"Who's anybody really, man? Like…"

463
00:21:08.850 --> 00:21:12.020
"Every day was… Oh, the wheel in the sky…"

464
00:21:12.104 --> 00:21:13.355
Oh, goddamn it.

465
00:21:14.690 --> 00:21:19.361
Now she's got both hands on the bat.
She's gonna swing on the guy.

466
00:21:19.861 --> 00:21:21.029
And then he looks at me.

467
00:21:21.113 --> 00:21:23.740
And when he looks at me,
that's when he gets scared.

468
00:21:23.824 --> 00:21:25.158
[audience laughs]

469
00:21:25.242 --> 00:21:29.705
He started saying, "My name is Michael.
Your guy Steve sent me here to figure--"

470
00:21:29.788 --> 00:21:33.125
And my wife's like, "Oh my God,
he didn't tell us. I'm so sorry."

471
00:21:33.208 --> 00:21:35.210
"Oh my God, I'm gonna call him right now."

472
00:21:35.294 --> 00:21:38.046
"I'm… This was…
This really got off on the wrong foot."

473
00:21:38.130 --> 00:21:39.673
"How about you leave…"

474
00:21:39.756 --> 00:21:42.175
The guy was more than happy to leave.

475
00:21:42.259 --> 00:21:43.302
[audience laughs]

476
00:21:43.385 --> 00:21:47.014
I'm sure he was driving home going,
"That poor bastard. Oh my God."

477
00:21:47.764 --> 00:21:50.100
"I'm sure the sex is amazing but…"

478
00:21:50.183 --> 00:21:52.185
-Um…
-[audience laughing]

479
00:21:53.645 --> 00:21:56.356
A lot of you hear the story and go,
"That's not very manly of you."

480
00:21:56.440 --> 00:21:59.109
"You let your wife…
God knows what could've happened!"

481
00:21:59.609 --> 00:22:00.777
I argue the opposite.

482
00:22:00.861 --> 00:22:01.737
[audience laughs]

483
00:22:01.820 --> 00:22:04.531
I say that our timing and placement

484
00:22:04.614 --> 00:22:08.201
made us a more effective
home invasion deterrent.

485
00:22:08.285 --> 00:22:09.453
[audience laughs]

486
00:22:09.536 --> 00:22:12.664
'Cause remember he never got scared
when she was screaming at him?

487
00:22:12.748 --> 00:22:14.291
He just kept going, "I…"

488
00:22:14.374 --> 00:22:17.210
You know why?
He couldn't process what he was seeing.

489
00:22:17.294 --> 00:22:18.337
[audience laughs]

490
00:22:18.420 --> 00:22:21.882
Gorgeous Valkyrie,
vagina-colored metal, screaming.

491
00:22:21.965 --> 00:22:24.384
Too much. Too fucking much.

492
00:22:25.010 --> 00:22:26.345
Couldn't process it.

493
00:22:27.054 --> 00:22:29.598
And also, again,
the energy she's giving off is

494
00:22:29.681 --> 00:22:32.392
outer-space sex vixen about to murder you.

495
00:22:32.476 --> 00:22:34.436
-[audience laughing]
-Can't process it.

496
00:22:35.270 --> 00:22:37.064
You know what he could process?

497
00:22:37.147 --> 00:22:38.148
Me.

498
00:22:38.231 --> 00:22:40.108
Standing five feet behind her,

499
00:22:40.192 --> 00:22:42.319
'cause the energy I was giving off was,

500
00:22:42.402 --> 00:22:44.988
"I can't do nothing
when she gets like this."

501
00:22:45.072 --> 00:22:49.201
"I… I tried to get her
to go to the nervous hospital, see?"

502
00:22:49.284 --> 00:22:51.411
"She said she'd burn the house down."

503
00:22:51.495 --> 00:22:54.289
"She's killed
so many Amazon delivery drivers."

504
00:22:54.373 --> 00:22:57.834
"I can't dig no more holes in the desert.
Please just run!"

505
00:22:57.918 --> 00:22:59.920
[audience laughing]

506
00:23:13.975 --> 00:23:17.854
I'm doing some poses that we can freeze
for the Netflix save screen. A little…

507
00:23:18.355 --> 00:23:20.732
[audience laughing]

508
00:23:20.816 --> 00:23:22.818
[cheering and applause]

509
00:23:25.695 --> 00:23:26.738
[Patton chuckles]

510
00:23:28.824 --> 00:23:30.367
[audience laughing]

511
00:23:37.249 --> 00:23:40.127
There's gotta be…
What if I did… What if I use…

512
00:23:40.210 --> 00:23:42.045
Here's what I'm gonna do.
Watch. Like this.

513
00:23:42.546 --> 00:23:45.298
[audience laughing and cheering]

514
00:23:45.382 --> 00:23:46.800
Now, look. That's…

515
00:23:47.300 --> 00:23:50.137
That's not a bit in the special,
but if you're watching Netflix,

516
00:23:50.220 --> 00:23:53.807
and that "coming up next," you're like,
"Let's watch a minute of that."

517
00:23:53.890 --> 00:23:55.976
Like, "What the fuck is this?"

518
00:23:56.059 --> 00:23:58.061
[audience laughing]

519
00:23:58.687 --> 00:24:00.730
[Patton chuckling]

520
00:24:01.773 --> 00:24:03.483
I'm vaxxed and boosted.

521
00:24:03.567 --> 00:24:06.194
-Yes, I am. Thank you. It shouldn't…
-[cheering and applause]

522
00:24:06.278 --> 00:24:07.279
Thank you. But…

523
00:24:07.904 --> 00:24:08.864
That… Look.

524
00:24:10.782 --> 00:24:14.411
Thank you. It's also sad that gets
applause at this point, isn't it?

525
00:24:14.911 --> 00:24:18.165
You get applause for taking
the most basic care of your health?

526
00:24:18.248 --> 00:24:21.460
That's like me going,
"Folks, I wipe after I shit. Thank…" No.

527
00:24:21.543 --> 00:24:22.794
No, no.

528
00:24:22.878 --> 00:24:25.881
-[cheering and applause]
-People. No.

529
00:24:25.964 --> 00:24:29.342
I'm no… I'm no hero now.

530
00:24:29.426 --> 00:24:31.845
It's the lumberjacks
who cut down the trees

531
00:24:31.928 --> 00:24:34.014
that make the toilet…
Those are the heroes.

532
00:24:34.097 --> 00:24:35.765
[audience laughing]

533
00:24:35.849 --> 00:24:37.058
[man] Yeah!

534
00:24:37.642 --> 00:24:38.477
[chuckles]

535
00:24:38.560 --> 00:24:41.062
I assume there's a lumberjack here.
All right, um…

536
00:24:41.146 --> 00:24:42.981
-[audience laughs]
-[Patton chuckles]

537
00:24:43.064 --> 00:24:45.066
Or a really enthusiastic wiper.

538
00:24:45.817 --> 00:24:47.819
-Um…
-[audience laughing]

539
00:24:49.988 --> 00:24:53.992
I got my vax right when the vax came out.
Immediately.

540
00:24:54.075 --> 00:24:58.455
I didn't jump the line.
I didn't use my privilege, but…

541
00:24:58.538 --> 00:25:00.874
I acted on some inside information,

542
00:25:00.957 --> 00:25:03.168
and I feel bad about this.

543
00:25:03.251 --> 00:25:05.170
This is how I did it. Uh…

544
00:25:05.253 --> 00:25:08.798
Right when the vaccine came out,
I have a friend, lives out in Riverside.

545
00:25:08.882 --> 00:25:12.636
And he calls me and says, "I don't
know if I should tell you this, but,

546
00:25:12.719 --> 00:25:15.305
uh, out where I'm living,
it's MAGA country."

547
00:25:15.388 --> 00:25:17.265
"No one is getting the vaccine."

548
00:25:17.349 --> 00:25:20.060
"There's a Rite Aid near me,
a woman sitting at a table."

549
00:25:20.143 --> 00:25:22.979
"Everyone that walks in she asks
if they want it. No one will get it."

550
00:25:23.063 --> 00:25:25.524
"They're throwing crates of this shit
out the back."

551
00:25:25.607 --> 00:25:27.859
"If you drive out here,
you will get a shot."

552
00:25:27.943 --> 00:25:30.570
"Don't even make an appointment."
So I drove out there.

553
00:25:30.654 --> 00:25:32.739
I walk in. There's a woman at a table.

554
00:25:32.822 --> 00:25:35.158
I go, "Hi, excuse me.
I'd like to get a vaccine."

555
00:25:35.242 --> 00:25:36.868
She was like, "You would?"

556
00:25:36.952 --> 00:25:38.912
-Like, she had no…
-[audience laughing]

557
00:25:38.995 --> 00:25:40.956
She had run out of Tolkien novels to read.

558
00:25:41.039 --> 00:25:44.251
Like, "Yeah. Let me get you set up."
Like, "Go stand over there."

559
00:25:47.671 --> 00:25:50.840
While I'm waiting, my friend was right,
everyone that walked in,

560
00:25:50.924 --> 00:25:53.468
"Would you like a vaccine?"
"No, thank you."

561
00:25:53.552 --> 00:25:56.012
And one guy gave her a, uh…

562
00:25:56.096 --> 00:25:58.014
"[scoffs] Yeah, no thanks."

563
00:25:58.098 --> 00:25:59.224
[audience laughs]

564
00:25:59.766 --> 00:26:03.103
Like, "Yeah, nice try, Deep State.
I think I'm gonna, uh…"

565
00:26:03.770 --> 00:26:07.482
"I think I'm gonna stay tracker-free
for the time being if that's all right."

566
00:26:07.566 --> 00:26:10.443
"Hang on. Yeah.
I'm at the Rite Aid again. Yeah."

567
00:26:10.527 --> 00:26:13.405
"They tried to get a fucking track--
Hang on. I'm losing you."

568
00:26:13.488 --> 00:26:16.533
"There you are. Yeah, no.
I'm off the grid, man. That's…"

569
00:26:16.616 --> 00:26:18.243
"Right. I'll call you later."

570
00:26:20.662 --> 00:26:24.416
Got my shot. Got my second shot,
then boosted twice. I'm fucking fine.

571
00:26:24.499 --> 00:26:26.251
In 1955,

572
00:26:26.334 --> 00:26:29.462
the polio vaccine came out.

573
00:26:29.546 --> 00:26:30.880
1955.

574
00:26:31.423 --> 00:26:33.341
We were two years away

575
00:26:33.425 --> 00:26:35.719
from satellites.

576
00:26:35.802 --> 00:26:37.804
There were no satellites!

577
00:26:37.887 --> 00:26:40.599
And America could not have been
more backward, racist,

578
00:26:40.682 --> 00:26:42.183
homophobic, sexist,

579
00:26:42.267 --> 00:26:46.396
and these non-satellite-having,
racist dipshits

580
00:26:46.479 --> 00:26:49.608
lined the fuck up
to get their fucking vaccine!

581
00:26:49.691 --> 00:26:52.402
[cheering and applause]

582
00:26:52.485 --> 00:26:53.778
What the fuck!

583
00:26:53.862 --> 00:26:55.530
[cheering and applause continues]

584
00:27:01.244 --> 00:27:04.998
"Give me that shot. I can't police
these water fountains from a wheelchair."

585
00:27:05.081 --> 00:27:07.375
[audience laughing]

586
00:27:07.459 --> 00:27:11.296
"I can't beat up queers
inside an iron lung! Give me my science!"

587
00:27:11.963 --> 00:27:13.423
"What am I, a caveman?"

588
00:27:14.132 --> 00:27:16.134
[audience laughing]

589
00:27:19.512 --> 00:27:20.347
Now

590
00:27:20.889 --> 00:27:23.683
it's the year 2022,

591
00:27:23.767 --> 00:27:27.312
which, first off,
doesn't sound like a real year, does it?

592
00:27:27.395 --> 00:27:30.023
-[audience laughs]
-Doesn't that sound made up?

593
00:27:30.106 --> 00:27:33.652
Like you're watching a cheap
science-fiction film, "In the year 2022…"

594
00:27:33.735 --> 00:27:36.363
"Oh, you're just
throwing numbers together. Jesus!"

595
00:27:36.446 --> 00:27:37.822
"Who wrote this shit?"

596
00:27:37.906 --> 00:27:39.157
[audience laughs]

597
00:27:40.492 --> 00:27:42.243
It's 2022.

598
00:27:42.327 --> 00:27:44.954
We have robots on Mars.

599
00:27:45.038 --> 00:27:47.457
They send us TikTok videos.

600
00:27:47.540 --> 00:27:49.542
[audience laughing]

601
00:27:50.919 --> 00:27:55.757
Half of the country's like, "That needle's
got witch poison in it, I tells ya."

602
00:27:55.840 --> 00:27:58.760
"You ain't putting no witch poison in me."

603
00:27:58.843 --> 00:28:00.053
[audience laughing]

604
00:28:01.930 --> 00:28:02.764
[chuckles]

605
00:28:02.847 --> 00:28:04.683
"Keep your wizard jab away from me."

606
00:28:04.766 --> 00:28:07.811
"I got to watch the video
that the Mars robot

607
00:28:07.894 --> 00:28:10.730
sent to the world brain
I keep it in my pocket."

608
00:28:10.814 --> 00:28:12.816
[audience laughing]

609
00:28:14.150 --> 00:28:16.653
"But keep all that science away from me."

610
00:28:20.240 --> 00:28:22.742
If that attitude had existed in 1955,

611
00:28:22.826 --> 00:28:25.495
the government would have had to do
one of those PSAs,

612
00:28:25.578 --> 00:28:29.833
like a little cartoon dancing,
hypodermic needle coming out, you know.

613
00:28:29.916 --> 00:28:31.251
[audience laughing]

614
00:28:31.334 --> 00:28:35.380
"Who do I gotta blow to cure polio?"
Like little…

615
00:28:35.463 --> 00:28:36.840
[audience laughing]

616
00:28:36.923 --> 00:28:39.426
[cheering and applause]

617
00:28:39.509 --> 00:28:40.385
Yes.

618
00:28:43.096 --> 00:28:46.141
That's right, jabby.
Tell everyone about your benefits.

619
00:28:46.224 --> 00:28:47.517
[audience laughs]

620
00:28:47.600 --> 00:28:51.229
"My benefits? Your fucking legs work.
How's that for a benefit?"

621
00:28:51.312 --> 00:28:52.522
[audience laughs]

622
00:28:52.605 --> 00:28:54.274
"You medieval shitheads."

623
00:28:54.357 --> 00:28:56.359
[audience laughing]

624
00:29:00.530 --> 00:29:02.490
It's a different world now, man.

625
00:29:02.574 --> 00:29:04.492
It's a different world. Isn't it?

626
00:29:04.576 --> 00:29:08.037
Cruise ships? Oh, you'll never see
a cruise ship again. Kiss that goodbye.

627
00:29:08.913 --> 00:29:11.750
Our grandkids won't know what a buffet is.

628
00:29:11.833 --> 00:29:13.710
-Oh.
-[audience laughs]

629
00:29:13.793 --> 00:29:15.879
Fuck, Covid changed everything.

630
00:29:15.962 --> 00:29:20.759
First off, every cruise ship
is booked up to the year 2026.

631
00:29:20.842 --> 00:29:23.928
People cannot wait
to get aboard the plague barge

632
00:29:24.012 --> 00:29:27.015
and sail the bounding main.

633
00:29:28.475 --> 00:29:31.019
"Oh, let me die near a water slide!"

634
00:29:31.102 --> 00:29:33.855
[audience laughing]

635
00:29:36.649 --> 00:29:38.276
Not only are buffets gonna come back,

636
00:29:38.359 --> 00:29:41.571
they're gonna come back
with this weird, own-the-libs vengeance.

637
00:29:41.654 --> 00:29:43.406
Every one of them's gonna have an agenda.

638
00:29:43.490 --> 00:29:47.577
"Come on down to Captain Covid's
Alpha Males Only buffet!"

639
00:29:47.660 --> 00:29:49.662
[audience laughing]

640
00:29:50.747 --> 00:29:52.665
"You the kind of left-wing soy boy

641
00:29:52.749 --> 00:29:56.002
that needs a sneeze guard
over your clam chowder,

642
00:29:56.085 --> 00:29:58.713
or are you able to fuck your wife?"

643
00:29:58.797 --> 00:30:02.592
-"Then come on down to Captain Covid's…"
-[audience laughing]

644
00:30:06.554 --> 00:30:08.765
"You show us proof
you ain't been vaccinated,

645
00:30:08.848 --> 00:30:11.643
you get a free platter
of room-temperature scallops."

646
00:30:11.726 --> 00:30:14.270
[audience laughing]

647
00:30:14.354 --> 00:30:15.355
"That's right."

648
00:30:20.401 --> 00:30:22.278
[chuckles] Oh…

649
00:30:24.030 --> 00:30:27.575
I was listening to '70s on 7
on the way here.

650
00:30:27.659 --> 00:30:30.328
Yeah, on my XM Sirius satellite dial.

651
00:30:30.829 --> 00:30:33.122
You like '70s music? You hit number seven.

652
00:30:33.206 --> 00:30:35.917
All the '70s music you can have,
'70s on 7.

653
00:30:36.000 --> 00:30:38.378
You like '80s music? You hit number eight.

654
00:30:38.461 --> 00:30:39.337
[audience laughs]

655
00:30:39.420 --> 00:30:40.463
'80s on 8.

656
00:30:40.964 --> 00:30:44.259
Do you like '90s music?
Guess what you hit. Number nine!

657
00:30:44.342 --> 00:30:45.802
[audience laughing]

658
00:30:45.885 --> 00:30:47.387
Do you like '40s music?

659
00:30:47.470 --> 00:30:49.681
Well, you don't hit number four.

660
00:30:50.849 --> 00:30:53.309
You used to, '40s on 4.

661
00:30:53.393 --> 00:30:55.311
Now, channel 71.

662
00:30:55.395 --> 00:30:56.855
'40s Junction.

663
00:30:58.314 --> 00:31:01.276
You like '50s music?
Well, it's channel 72.

664
00:31:01.943 --> 00:31:02.902
'50s Gold.

665
00:31:04.028 --> 00:31:05.280
You like '60s music?

666
00:31:05.363 --> 00:31:07.115
Seventy-three, '60s Gold.

667
00:31:07.198 --> 00:31:10.159
Why did those three channels get moved

668
00:31:10.702 --> 00:31:12.120
to the outer rim

669
00:31:13.246 --> 00:31:15.206
of the XM Sirius universe?

670
00:31:15.790 --> 00:31:17.375
I will tell you why.

671
00:31:17.917 --> 00:31:19.544
Their listeners are dying.

672
00:31:19.627 --> 00:31:22.213
[audience laughing]

673
00:31:22.297 --> 00:31:26.134
'40s, '50s, '60s.
Those listeners are dropping like…

674
00:31:26.217 --> 00:31:28.887
The fucking '40s channel
has five listeners left.

675
00:31:28.970 --> 00:31:30.430
[audience laughing]

676
00:31:30.513 --> 00:31:33.725
Three World War II veterans
and a couple of contrarian hipsters.

677
00:31:33.808 --> 00:31:34.809
That's it.

678
00:31:34.893 --> 00:31:36.227
That's all that's left.

679
00:31:37.312 --> 00:31:40.189
"You know who's punk rock?
Artie Shaw." Fuck off.

680
00:31:40.273 --> 00:31:42.275
[audience laughing]

681
00:31:45.862 --> 00:31:49.407
And we can laugh and enjoy it,
but hey, during our lifetimes,

682
00:31:49.490 --> 00:31:52.702
'70s, '80s, '90s
will go marching up the dial.

683
00:31:53.453 --> 00:31:56.289
That's how you can track
how the generations are dying,

684
00:31:56.372 --> 00:31:58.583
by where they're putting the stations.

685
00:31:58.666 --> 00:31:59.918
[audience laughing]

686
00:32:00.001 --> 00:32:01.961
Keep the '70s, '80s, '90s easy.

687
00:32:02.045 --> 00:32:03.588
I hope when they do that,

688
00:32:04.172 --> 00:32:08.176
that they take a little time and give
some consideration to the names

689
00:32:08.259 --> 00:32:10.219
the way they did for the '40s channel,

690
00:32:10.720 --> 00:32:14.140
'40s Junction, train station, evocative.

691
00:32:14.223 --> 00:32:17.185
I get it. Picture in my head.
And then they just gave up.

692
00:32:18.061 --> 00:32:20.813
'50s Gold, '60s… Ah, who care… What?

693
00:32:21.481 --> 00:32:23.733
You couldn't do
"Poodle Skirts and Milkshakes"?

694
00:32:23.816 --> 00:32:27.862
You couldn't do "Patchouli Oil
and Love Beads," or whatever?

695
00:32:27.946 --> 00:32:30.490
[audience laughing]

696
00:32:30.573 --> 00:32:35.495
Give the '70s channel a name
emblematic of the decade.

697
00:32:35.578 --> 00:32:37.956
You know,
"Your Mother and I Are Separating Radio."

698
00:32:38.039 --> 00:32:41.709
-How about that? That's good. Sure.
-[audience laughing]

699
00:32:41.793 --> 00:32:42.627
Yeah.

700
00:32:43.753 --> 00:32:46.547
"Giant Candles Everywhere
For Some Reason Tunes."

701
00:32:46.631 --> 00:32:48.633
[audience laughing]

702
00:32:50.510 --> 00:32:52.804
The '80s could be "Trapper Keeper Tunes."

703
00:32:52.887 --> 00:32:54.889
[audience cheering and applauding]

704
00:32:57.183 --> 00:33:00.228
And then the '90s channel
could just be… [groans]

705
00:33:00.311 --> 00:33:02.230
[audience laughing]

706
00:33:02.313 --> 00:33:03.564
[groaning] I don't know…

707
00:33:04.774 --> 00:33:08.444
That was Abra Moore's
"Four-Leaf Clover" on… [groans]

708
00:33:08.528 --> 00:33:09.779
[audience laughing]

709
00:33:09.862 --> 00:33:11.239
[groans]

710
00:33:11.322 --> 00:33:13.324
[audience laughing]

711
00:33:14.200 --> 00:33:16.202
Hi. Do you live here in Denver, ma'am?

712
00:33:16.285 --> 00:33:19.622
-I live in Colorado Springs.
-[Patton] You live in Colorado Springs?

713
00:33:19.706 --> 00:33:22.417
-Nice. Thank you for making the drive.
-[woman] No problem.

714
00:33:22.500 --> 00:33:23.543
Okay. What do you…

715
00:33:23.626 --> 00:33:27.255
[laughing] Okay, glad I got that straight.
It wasn't a problem.

716
00:33:27.338 --> 00:33:30.466
Thank God. Okay.
Guys, it wasn't a problem. It's cool.

717
00:33:30.550 --> 00:33:32.301
[audience laughing]

718
00:33:32.385 --> 00:33:33.761
[Patton chuckles]

719
00:33:34.345 --> 00:33:36.014
Do you work in Colorado Springs?

720
00:33:36.097 --> 00:33:37.890
-What do you do?
-I'm a doctor.

721
00:33:37.974 --> 00:33:39.058
[Patton] You're a doctor.

722
00:33:39.142 --> 00:33:41.519
Oh my God, a brainiac. All right, um…

723
00:33:41.602 --> 00:33:43.646
What kind of medicine do you practice?

724
00:33:43.730 --> 00:33:45.440
I'm a pediatric neurologist.

725
00:33:45.523 --> 00:33:47.900
Pediatric neurologist.

726
00:33:47.984 --> 00:33:50.111
-Oh my God!
-[audience cheering]

727
00:33:50.194 --> 00:33:51.279
You're like…

728
00:33:51.362 --> 00:33:53.364
[cheering and applause]

729
00:33:54.323 --> 00:33:57.994
You are serving your community.
You are helping children.

730
00:33:58.077 --> 00:34:03.374
You have a positive job
that you have a positive attitude towards.

731
00:34:03.458 --> 00:34:07.128
This is comedy death.
I need to get off of you right now.

732
00:34:07.211 --> 00:34:09.005
There's nothing here.

733
00:34:09.088 --> 00:34:10.214
[audience laughing]

734
00:34:10.298 --> 00:34:13.968
I need to talk to a meth cook
or a divorcee. This is…

735
00:34:14.052 --> 00:34:14.969
[audience laughs]

736
00:34:15.053 --> 00:34:16.471
"I help children live."

737
00:34:16.554 --> 00:34:17.388
[sliding beep]

738
00:34:17.472 --> 00:34:19.640
-All right. Shit.
-[audience laughing]

739
00:34:22.727 --> 00:34:26.689
Is this, uh… Are you with her?
You guys together? Is this the hubby?

740
00:34:26.773 --> 00:34:29.067
-The husband.
-The husband. What do you do, sir?

741
00:34:29.150 --> 00:34:31.402
-I'm a lawyer.
-[Patton] You're a lawyer?

742
00:34:31.486 --> 00:34:33.029
-Ah…
-[audience laughing]

743
00:34:33.112 --> 00:34:35.490
-[kisses] Finally.
-[audience laughing]

744
00:34:35.573 --> 00:34:37.325
Some evil.

745
00:34:37.408 --> 00:34:39.410
[audience laughing and applauding]

746
00:34:40.912 --> 00:34:44.665
Oh God, if it's some kind of positive
community outreach law, I'm gonna fucking…

747
00:34:45.166 --> 00:34:47.210
What kind of law do you practice, sir?

748
00:34:47.293 --> 00:34:50.671
I prosecute juvenile sex crimes.

749
00:34:50.755 --> 00:34:53.216
You prosecute juvenile sex offenders.

750
00:34:53.966 --> 00:34:55.009
Well…

751
00:34:55.093 --> 00:34:57.095
[audience laughing]

752
00:35:05.978 --> 00:35:08.523
When you say juvenile sex offenders,

753
00:35:09.107 --> 00:35:12.485
do you mean people
who commit sex offenses against juveniles,

754
00:35:12.568 --> 00:35:14.779
or juveniles who are sex offenders?

755
00:35:14.862 --> 00:35:16.447
Juveniles who are sex offenders.

756
00:35:16.531 --> 00:35:20.910
Juveniles who are sex offenders.
Gotta be very careful with the phrasing.

757
00:35:21.911 --> 00:35:24.539
And when you say…
And then what happens? Like, they get…

758
00:35:24.622 --> 00:35:26.290
Why am I…? What is this, a…? I gotta…

759
00:35:26.791 --> 00:35:29.043
Me sitting down
was good for that one laugh.

760
00:35:29.127 --> 00:35:32.255
I'm not gonna do the rest of my show
like, "So what do you do?"

761
00:35:32.338 --> 00:35:34.465
[audience laughing]

762
00:35:34.549 --> 00:35:36.050
What the hell am I doing?

763
00:35:36.134 --> 00:35:38.261
[applause]

764
00:35:39.554 --> 00:35:42.515
You are prosecuting
the juvenile sex offenders.

765
00:35:42.598 --> 00:35:43.724
Okay.

766
00:35:43.808 --> 00:35:46.519
And you are a neurological pediatrician.

767
00:35:46.602 --> 00:35:50.898
So a kid whose brain maybe
isn't working correctly, you help fix it.

768
00:35:51.941 --> 00:35:54.986
And the ones you can't fix,
he puts away, right?

769
00:35:55.069 --> 00:35:56.779
-Is that how…
-[audience laughing]

770
00:35:56.863 --> 00:35:58.531
-There we go.
-[audience laughing]

771
00:35:58.614 --> 00:36:00.867
There's your next Marvel team-up.
All right.

772
00:36:00.950 --> 00:36:02.702
So… [laughs]

773
00:36:02.785 --> 00:36:04.787
[audience laughing]

774
00:36:07.498 --> 00:36:09.709
That was cute and dark

775
00:36:09.792 --> 00:36:11.961
at the same time.

776
00:36:12.044 --> 00:36:13.254
Rare to find that.

777
00:36:13.921 --> 00:36:16.549
It's like a goth girl holding a kitten.
All right.

778
00:36:16.632 --> 00:36:18.634
[audience laughing]

779
00:36:19.260 --> 00:36:21.137
How about you? Do you live here in Denver?

780
00:36:21.220 --> 00:36:23.806
-[man] I do.
-You do? What do you do in Denver?

781
00:36:23.890 --> 00:36:26.058
Uh, I work in a bar and I'm a student.

782
00:36:26.142 --> 00:36:28.519
You work in a bar and you're a student.

783
00:36:28.603 --> 00:36:31.772
Oh, it's a 1980s Tom Hanks movie.
All right.

784
00:36:31.856 --> 00:36:33.649
-So…
-[audience laughing]

785
00:36:33.733 --> 00:36:36.485
-What are you studying right now?
-Uh, cybersecurity.

786
00:36:36.569 --> 00:36:38.112
Cybersecurity.

787
00:36:38.196 --> 00:36:42.241
And then, by day, he patrols the Internet.

788
00:36:43.242 --> 00:36:47.622
At night, it's Slippery Nipples
for secretaries, right?

789
00:36:47.705 --> 00:36:49.081
[audience laughing]

790
00:36:49.665 --> 00:36:51.500
What, uh… So you're a bartender,

791
00:36:51.584 --> 00:36:55.463
and so do you want to eventually work
in cybersecurity? Obviously.

792
00:36:55.546 --> 00:36:58.424
-[man] Yeah.
-And the bartending's paying the bills.

793
00:36:59.258 --> 00:37:01.177
Paying for you to learn. What is the…

794
00:37:01.260 --> 00:37:03.512
What's the scariest thing
you've learned so far

795
00:37:03.596 --> 00:37:05.014
in terms of cybersecurity?

796
00:37:05.097 --> 00:37:07.600
How close are we to some huge hack attack

797
00:37:07.683 --> 00:37:09.644
where suddenly the ATMs don't work

798
00:37:09.727 --> 00:37:12.605
and all of our porn searches
are on the internet?

799
00:37:12.688 --> 00:37:13.814
When does that happen?

800
00:37:13.898 --> 00:37:15.233
[audience laughs]

801
00:37:15.316 --> 00:37:16.192
Um…

802
00:37:16.943 --> 00:37:19.946
-Pretty much nothing is private.
-[Patton] Pretty much nothing is private.

803
00:37:20.029 --> 00:37:22.448
Well, we all know that at this point.
That's not…

804
00:37:23.115 --> 00:37:26.285
Oh my God, have you ever…
Okay, when you were growing up,

805
00:37:26.369 --> 00:37:29.747
was there, like, some asshole
that bullied you or was really shitty,

806
00:37:29.830 --> 00:37:32.208
and now that you're learning
your cybersecurity skills,

807
00:37:32.291 --> 00:37:34.710
you could go digging
into this person's life

808
00:37:34.794 --> 00:37:38.214
and just dis-fucking-mantle it
if you wanted to?

809
00:37:38.297 --> 00:37:39.340
[audience laughing]

810
00:37:39.423 --> 00:37:42.218
Has that temptation
ever crossed your head?

811
00:37:43.052 --> 00:37:44.553
-Pretty frequently.
-Have you… Oh!

812
00:37:44.637 --> 00:37:47.974
Have you done searches
of old bullies' names and stuff like that?

813
00:37:48.057 --> 00:37:49.850
I've… I've chosen not to.

814
00:37:49.934 --> 00:37:52.645
-You've chosen not to.
-[audience laughs]

815
00:37:52.728 --> 00:37:54.814
That is a very lawyerly response.

816
00:37:54.897 --> 00:37:57.149
-That was… Did you catch that?
-[audience laughing]

817
00:37:57.233 --> 00:37:58.359
Oh, man.

818
00:38:00.194 --> 00:38:02.655
Is this the wife or girlfriend?

819
00:38:02.738 --> 00:38:04.198
-Uh, yes.
-[Patton] Which one?

820
00:38:04.282 --> 00:38:05.241
[laughter]

821
00:38:05.324 --> 00:38:07.451
-Girlfriend.
-[Patton] Girlfriend! Oh!

822
00:38:07.535 --> 00:38:08.703
And what do you do?

823
00:38:09.203 --> 00:38:11.372
-I'm an educator.
-[Patton] You're an educator.

824
00:38:11.455 --> 00:38:12.999
And what do you… Thank you.

825
00:38:13.082 --> 00:38:15.209
[cheering and applause]

826
00:38:15.293 --> 00:38:16.127
Wow.

827
00:38:18.462 --> 00:38:21.674
What, uh… What do you…
What areas do you educate in?

828
00:38:21.757 --> 00:38:25.052
I help high schoolers, um,
access free college credit.

829
00:38:25.136 --> 00:38:28.055
Help high schoolers
access free college credit.

830
00:38:28.139 --> 00:38:29.515
Does the… That's cool.

831
00:38:29.598 --> 00:38:30.808
Does the, um…

832
00:38:30.891 --> 00:38:34.562
Does the sleeve tattoo help break the ice
when they're like, "She's cool"?

833
00:38:34.645 --> 00:38:36.272
-"She's all right."
-Yep.

834
00:38:36.355 --> 00:38:38.566
-That must help.
-[woman] It does, yeah.

835
00:38:38.649 --> 00:38:40.943
Do you go in
with the sleeve tattoo visible?

836
00:38:41.027 --> 00:38:43.779
-Or do they make you wear a long sleeve?
-I bust it all out.

837
00:38:43.863 --> 00:38:46.240
[Patton] You bust it all out, sit there…

838
00:38:46.324 --> 00:38:48.200
"Let's get you some fucking credit

839
00:38:48.284 --> 00:38:52.163
while you look at The Gashlycrumb Tinies
right there, man. There you go."

840
00:38:53.622 --> 00:38:56.042
You got some ink too.
How long you been going out?

841
00:38:56.792 --> 00:38:58.711
-Three years.
-Four. Three or four years.

842
00:38:58.794 --> 00:39:00.254
Three or four years.

843
00:39:00.338 --> 00:39:01.714
-[audience laughing]
-Mmm.

844
00:39:02.423 --> 00:39:05.176
Some cybersecurity,
if you know what I'm saying.

845
00:39:05.259 --> 00:39:07.720
Ah, come on, people. Um…

846
00:39:07.803 --> 00:39:08.888
[audience laughing]

847
00:39:08.971 --> 00:39:10.556
Are you… Do you live together?

848
00:39:11.223 --> 00:39:12.308
Oh, nice!

849
00:39:12.391 --> 00:39:15.102
Are you gonna… She looks awesome in…

850
00:39:15.186 --> 00:39:19.190
And then he can get you, like,
free credit card shit and everything.

851
00:39:19.273 --> 00:39:21.025
-I mean, come on.
-[audience laughs]

852
00:39:21.108 --> 00:39:23.611
It's a match made in heaven.
Make it happen.

853
00:39:24.111 --> 00:39:28.324
Couldn't he use his cybersecurity
to get kids free college credit?

854
00:39:28.407 --> 00:39:30.534
Change their grades,
get them into Harvard.

855
00:39:30.618 --> 00:39:32.953
There's another fucking team-up.
All right.

856
00:39:33.037 --> 00:39:34.830
[audience cheering and applauding]

857
00:39:34.914 --> 00:39:37.333
I have two superhero teams
in the front row.

858
00:39:39.418 --> 00:39:40.711
Oh, hello sir.

859
00:39:40.795 --> 00:39:43.506
[audience laughing]

860
00:39:43.589 --> 00:39:46.258
Shorts in the front row. Ballsy.

861
00:39:46.342 --> 00:39:48.761
[audience laughing]

862
00:39:48.844 --> 00:39:52.515
That's it. You have way more
self-confidence than I will ever have.

863
00:39:53.391 --> 00:39:54.683
Do you live here in Denver?

864
00:39:54.767 --> 00:39:56.685
-I do.
-[Patton] And what do you do in Denver?

865
00:39:56.769 --> 00:39:58.354
I work in Boulder, actually.

866
00:39:58.437 --> 00:40:01.649
You work in Boulder.
Live in Denver, work in Boulder.

867
00:40:01.732 --> 00:40:03.025
What do you do in Boulder?

868
00:40:03.109 --> 00:40:04.485
I work for a grocery store.

869
00:40:04.568 --> 00:40:06.654
You work for a grocery store.

870
00:40:07.488 --> 00:40:09.782
With that facial hair?
They're cool with that or…?

871
00:40:09.865 --> 00:40:11.575
[laughter]

872
00:40:11.659 --> 00:40:13.953
What… I'm not gonna ask
what grocery store. That's weird.

873
00:40:14.036 --> 00:40:15.371
[man] I bet you can figure it out.

874
00:40:15.454 --> 00:40:19.792
Probably could. Hang on. What is
your specific job at the grocery store?

875
00:40:19.875 --> 00:40:20.835
I'm a manager.

876
00:40:20.918 --> 00:40:22.962
You're a manager at the grocery store.

877
00:40:23.045 --> 00:40:25.756
Do you manage the whole store
or one department?

878
00:40:25.840 --> 00:40:26.757
Um…

879
00:40:28.175 --> 00:40:29.009
Yeah.

880
00:40:29.093 --> 00:40:30.761
[audience laughing]

881
00:40:31.595 --> 00:40:33.556
-Yeah, part of it. Yeah.
-Part of it.

882
00:40:34.056 --> 00:40:36.308
The liquor section? What part do you, um…?

883
00:40:36.392 --> 00:40:38.352
[audience laughing]

884
00:40:38.436 --> 00:40:39.895
You seem amazed

885
00:40:39.979 --> 00:40:43.023
at hearing that you're working
at a grocery store coming out of you.

886
00:40:43.107 --> 00:40:45.484
"I work at a grocery store! I…"

887
00:40:45.568 --> 00:40:48.320
-[audience laughing]
-[Patton chuckling]

888
00:40:51.031 --> 00:40:53.993
And, uh, who are you here with?
Is this your friend?

889
00:40:54.076 --> 00:40:56.704
There's your friend.
And where do you work?

890
00:40:56.787 --> 00:40:59.540
-Uh, I work from home.
-You work from home.

891
00:40:59.623 --> 00:41:01.459
-[man] In sales.
-In sales.

892
00:41:01.542 --> 00:41:03.878
-I sell light bulbs.
-[Patton] You sell light bulbs.

893
00:41:03.961 --> 00:41:08.340
Are you asking me?
You seem to be like, "I sell light…"

894
00:41:08.424 --> 00:41:11.135
You're answering my questions
like I'm a homicide cop.

895
00:41:11.218 --> 00:41:13.345
You're like, "I-I sell light bulbs?"

896
00:41:13.429 --> 00:41:15.389
-Like, it's not…
-[audience laughing]

897
00:41:15.473 --> 00:41:17.516
You sell light bulbs from your home.

898
00:41:18.434 --> 00:41:20.102
I'm a lighting salesman.

899
00:41:20.186 --> 00:41:23.355
You're a lighting salesman,
so you stay in your house.

900
00:41:23.439 --> 00:41:26.650
You call people up
or get on the internet with them?

901
00:41:26.734 --> 00:41:28.903
-On the internet.
-On the internet.

902
00:41:28.986 --> 00:41:31.280
-And you try to sell them light bulbs.
-Absolutely.

903
00:41:31.363 --> 00:41:33.115
Individuals or corporations?

904
00:41:33.199 --> 00:41:34.700
-Both.
-[Patton] Both.

905
00:41:34.783 --> 00:41:37.244
-That's so fucking weird.
-[audience laughs]

906
00:41:37.328 --> 00:41:39.163
I just… I don't know how…

907
00:41:40.664 --> 00:41:43.751
So you get on Zoom calls with them,
and go, "Really quick,

908
00:41:43.834 --> 00:41:45.169
turn on all your lights."

909
00:41:45.252 --> 00:41:47.421
-[audience laughing]
-"It's pretty shitty, huh?"

910
00:41:47.505 --> 00:41:50.883
"Well, I've got a solution for you."
[laughing]

911
00:41:50.966 --> 00:41:52.968
[audience laughing]

912
00:41:54.595 --> 00:41:55.888
You're not far.

913
00:41:55.971 --> 00:41:57.932
That's so fucking interesting.

914
00:41:58.015 --> 00:42:01.435
Okay. You two are delightful,
and you are not a superhero team.

915
00:42:01.519 --> 00:42:02.895
-I'm sorry.
-[audience laughs]

916
00:42:02.978 --> 00:42:05.314
That is…
I don't know what the hell you are.

917
00:42:05.397 --> 00:42:09.860
There's a guy who works at a Trader…
Doesn't quite know what he does there.

918
00:42:09.944 --> 00:42:13.822
Another guy gets on Zoom calls
and sells light bulbs.

919
00:42:15.616 --> 00:42:19.328
I think you have a weird OnlyFans.
You're just covering for it now.

920
00:42:19.411 --> 00:42:23.165
You don't really sell light bulbs.

921
00:42:23.249 --> 00:42:27.044
-[man] It's the DC Universe.
-Oh, DC Universe. Very… Oh…

922
00:42:28.045 --> 00:42:30.297
I'll do the nerd shit, my friend.
All right.

923
00:42:30.381 --> 00:42:31.924
[audience laughing]

924
00:42:32.007 --> 00:42:33.300
Don't you dare!

925
00:42:33.384 --> 00:42:35.427
[audience laughing]

926
00:42:37.429 --> 00:42:39.932
That was a fun front row.
Give them a round of applause.

927
00:42:40.015 --> 00:42:41.392
Thank you, guys. Wow.

928
00:42:41.475 --> 00:42:43.477
[cheering and applause]

929
00:42:47.690 --> 00:42:49.191
I love the flow of that.

930
00:42:49.275 --> 00:42:52.736
You know, doctor, lawyer,
cybersecurity, educator,

931
00:42:52.820 --> 00:42:57.366
sort of groceries, light bulbs, I guess.
I don't know.

932
00:42:57.449 --> 00:42:58.659
[groans]

933
00:42:58.742 --> 00:42:59.785
[audience laughing]

934
00:43:01.161 --> 00:43:02.580
Perfectly paced.

935
00:43:02.663 --> 00:43:03.831
[kisses]

936
00:43:03.914 --> 00:43:05.916
[audience laughing]

937
00:43:09.712 --> 00:43:10.629
[sighs]

938
00:43:10.713 --> 00:43:12.965
You know what doesn't age well? Woke.

939
00:43:13.048 --> 00:43:14.133
[audience laughs]

940
00:43:14.216 --> 00:43:15.301
It really doesn't.

941
00:43:15.884 --> 00:43:17.636
I'm woke, I think.

942
00:43:18.304 --> 00:43:20.764
But you know what? I won't be someday,

943
00:43:20.848 --> 00:43:22.224
and so will all of you.

944
00:43:22.308 --> 00:43:23.475
[audience laughs]

945
00:43:23.559 --> 00:43:26.895
Be woke. Be open-minded.
Just don't pat yourself on the back,

946
00:43:26.979 --> 00:43:28.647
'cause it'll bite you in the ass.

947
00:43:29.231 --> 00:43:31.233
Everyone getting cancelled now
for not being woke

948
00:43:31.317 --> 00:43:34.320
was woke about something,
they just couldn't keep up with progress.

949
00:43:34.403 --> 00:43:37.239
Progress will always
fucking steamroller you.

950
00:43:37.323 --> 00:43:42.244
I'm very pro-trans, very pro-gay marriage,
gay rights, and pro-abor--

951
00:43:42.328 --> 00:43:45.039
-No, no, no. No. No.
-[cheering and applause]

952
00:43:45.122 --> 00:43:46.624
That's not… What I'm saying is

953
00:43:46.707 --> 00:43:48.917
that is going to blow up
in my face someday.

954
00:43:49.585 --> 00:43:51.170
I'll be doing comedy when I'm 70,

955
00:43:51.253 --> 00:43:54.131
and I will let slip something
that I won't be able to keep up with.

956
00:43:54.214 --> 00:43:57.134
I'll be like, "I don't think people
should fuck their clones."

957
00:43:57.217 --> 00:43:59.428
"Boo!" There'll be some weird, like…

958
00:43:59.511 --> 00:44:01.513
[audience laughing]

959
00:44:02.723 --> 00:44:04.600
"No wait, I'm pro-trans."

960
00:44:04.683 --> 00:44:06.518
"Fuck you, clone hater!"

961
00:44:06.602 --> 00:44:07.895
[audience laughing]

962
00:44:07.978 --> 00:44:09.647
"No, I'm totally progressive!"

963
00:44:10.689 --> 00:44:13.525
#Stopclonehate, then I gotta…

964
00:44:13.609 --> 00:44:14.943
Then I'll double down.

965
00:44:15.486 --> 00:44:17.946
"When I grew up, you didn't jerk off
in a test tube

966
00:44:18.030 --> 00:44:21.950
and fuck whatever came out of it!
If that makes me the bad guy, I'm sorry!"

967
00:44:22.034 --> 00:44:23.869
-[audience laughing]
-"Boo!"

968
00:44:27.998 --> 00:44:29.375
[Patton chuckles]

969
00:44:31.418 --> 00:44:33.587
By the way, that's how you know
if you're a…

970
00:44:33.671 --> 00:44:35.798
uh, if you're an oppressed minority,

971
00:44:35.881 --> 00:44:40.219
or, you know, a fringe group
that used to be shit on,

972
00:44:40.302 --> 00:44:42.388
and now you know that you've made it

973
00:44:42.471 --> 00:44:45.891
when straight, white people
start asking you if jokes are okay.

974
00:44:46.433 --> 00:44:49.353
That's when you know…
The trans community really broke through

975
00:44:49.436 --> 00:44:52.398
because all of a sudden, straight,
white people'll be like, "Is this okay?"

976
00:44:52.481 --> 00:44:54.983
"Does this joke work? Is that okay?"

977
00:44:55.067 --> 00:44:56.110
You know.

978
00:44:56.193 --> 00:44:59.321
But either way, that means in the future,

979
00:44:59.405 --> 00:45:01.407
straight, white people
are gonna be the minority,

980
00:45:01.907 --> 00:45:03.659
then they're gonna have assholes like,

981
00:45:03.742 --> 00:45:06.829
"Hey, I'm doing a joke
about a straight, white dude, and, um,

982
00:45:07.496 --> 00:45:10.541
I have him bowling. Is that okay?
You guys bowl, right? Like that's…"

983
00:45:10.624 --> 00:45:12.751
-[audience laughing]
-"It's not offensive?"

984
00:45:14.253 --> 00:45:17.756
"He's listening to Limp Bizkit,
'ironically,' okay?"

985
00:45:17.840 --> 00:45:21.051
-[audience laughing]
-"It's ironic. I'm doing it ironically."

986
00:45:22.845 --> 00:45:24.012
[Patton chuckles]

987
00:45:25.931 --> 00:45:29.143
Goddamn, these last six years. Holy shit.

988
00:45:29.768 --> 00:45:33.439
I was in such a panic in 2016,
then all the subsequent years,

989
00:45:33.522 --> 00:45:37.151
"What the hell's going on? Oh my God.
Is America coming to an end?"

990
00:45:37.234 --> 00:45:38.569
No. You know what?

991
00:45:39.069 --> 00:45:41.405
It isn't. It's bad right now,

992
00:45:41.947 --> 00:45:45.284
but everything that's happening
is supposed to be happening right now.

993
00:45:45.367 --> 00:45:47.035
Do you know what 2016 was?

994
00:45:47.536 --> 00:45:50.789
It was the boomers' last temper tantrum.

995
00:45:50.873 --> 00:45:51.832
[audience cheering]

996
00:45:51.915 --> 00:45:54.251
-That's what that was.
-[cheering and applause]

997
00:45:54.334 --> 00:45:57.838
The boomers' last temper tantrum.

998
00:45:58.589 --> 00:46:01.049
Every time a generation gets old,

999
00:46:01.133 --> 00:46:03.802
they panic
because death is scary and gross,

1000
00:46:04.595 --> 00:46:07.514
and they put someone shitty
in the White House before they go.

1001
00:46:08.015 --> 00:46:11.143
This has happened before.
The greatest generation…

1002
00:46:11.226 --> 00:46:14.646
The greatest generation,
oh my God, fought the Nazis,

1003
00:46:14.730 --> 00:46:18.567
saved the world from tyranny,
came back, built the suburbs,

1004
00:46:18.650 --> 00:46:22.321
raised the baby boomers,
then they started getting old.

1005
00:46:22.404 --> 00:46:25.324
Hair turned gray,
dick didn't work anymore,

1006
00:46:26.116 --> 00:46:28.202
hemorrhoids and hysterectomies.

1007
00:46:28.911 --> 00:46:30.037
They panicked.

1008
00:46:30.120 --> 00:46:31.747
Now it's the late '70s.

1009
00:46:31.830 --> 00:46:34.374
Punk music, they don't know
what's going on. "Fuck this."

1010
00:46:34.458 --> 00:46:37.669
"Put the old cowboy movie actor
in the White House. Yeah, fuck you!"

1011
00:46:38.170 --> 00:46:40.005
"I was here, goddamn it!"

1012
00:46:40.088 --> 00:46:42.090
[applause]

1013
00:46:44.051 --> 00:46:46.720
Then the baby boomers grew up.
Think of the baby boomers.

1014
00:46:46.804 --> 00:46:50.516
They were on the cutting edge of sex,
rock and roll, rebellion…

1015
00:46:50.599 --> 00:46:54.686
They owned youth,
and then they got fucking old.

1016
00:46:54.770 --> 00:46:56.814
[audience laughing]

1017
00:46:56.897 --> 00:46:59.900
And their hair got gray,
and their dick stopped working,

1018
00:46:59.983 --> 00:47:01.568
hemorrhoids and hysterectomies,

1019
00:47:01.652 --> 00:47:05.864
fucking Gen X and Gen Z
making fun of them on Twitter and TikTok.

1020
00:47:05.948 --> 00:47:08.283
All this hip-hop music
they don't understand.

1021
00:47:08.367 --> 00:47:11.829
Now they're, "Oh my God, I'm about to die.
What the fuck is going on?"

1022
00:47:11.912 --> 00:47:15.290
"Put the racist game show host
in the White House. Yeah, fuck you!"

1023
00:47:15.958 --> 00:47:17.084
"I was here!"

1024
00:47:17.167 --> 00:47:19.169
[laughter and applause]

1025
00:47:22.381 --> 00:47:23.590
I'm Gen X.

1026
00:47:24.174 --> 00:47:29.179
Well, our temper tantrum
is going to be beyond ugly.

1027
00:47:29.263 --> 00:47:31.515
[audience laughing]

1028
00:47:31.598 --> 00:47:34.935
When we start getting old, our dicks
stop working, our hair goes gray,

1029
00:47:35.018 --> 00:47:37.479
God knows who we're gonna put
in the White House.

1030
00:47:38.272 --> 00:47:41.650
It's gonna be either Eddie Vedder
or Janeane Garofalo. One of those two.

1031
00:47:41.733 --> 00:47:42.734
I don't know.

1032
00:47:42.818 --> 00:47:43.986
[cheering and applause]

1033
00:47:44.069 --> 00:47:44.945
Look.

1034
00:47:45.863 --> 00:47:47.573
I love those guys.

1035
00:47:49.032 --> 00:47:52.119
-Janeane would be a horrible president.
-[audience laughs]

1036
00:47:52.202 --> 00:47:56.498
I've known her since the '90s. I love her.
She would tell you that herself.

1037
00:47:57.499 --> 00:47:59.960
Janeane, you should be president.
"I'm not doing that shit."

1038
00:48:00.460 --> 00:48:02.838
Oh my God, wait a minute.
That's how she'll win.

1039
00:48:02.921 --> 00:48:04.256
[audience laughs]

1040
00:48:04.339 --> 00:48:08.385
Think of how Gen X thinks. Like,
"That's exactly the attitude we need."

1041
00:48:08.468 --> 00:48:10.304
-[audience laughs]
-That's perfect.

1042
00:48:11.221 --> 00:48:14.141
"No, I'm serious. I'm not doing it."
Yeah, we know, yes.

1043
00:48:14.224 --> 00:48:16.268
[audience laughing]

1044
00:48:16.351 --> 00:48:18.812
She'll blow off a debate.
She won't campaign.

1045
00:48:19.479 --> 00:48:21.940
She won't show up to her own inauguration.

1046
00:48:22.024 --> 00:48:24.026
Yes, that'll be awesome.

1047
00:48:25.027 --> 00:48:28.488
We'll love her even more. CNN will have
a ticker on the bottom of the screen,

1048
00:48:28.572 --> 00:48:31.950
like, "Day 312
of the president not showing up."

1049
00:48:32.034 --> 00:48:34.036
[audience laughing]

1050
00:48:34.828 --> 00:48:38.415
It'll cut to her in some coffee shop.
"I told you I wasn't gonna run."

1051
00:48:38.498 --> 00:48:40.500
[audience laughing]

1052
00:48:43.378 --> 00:48:44.546
And then we'll die,

1053
00:48:45.756 --> 00:48:49.009
and we won't be here to see what Gen Z
puts in the White House.

1054
00:48:49.635 --> 00:48:50.928
President Logan Paul.

1055
00:48:51.470 --> 00:48:53.931
-I don't… Look. I don't know.
-[audience groaning]

1056
00:48:55.015 --> 00:48:56.350
President Joe Rogan.

1057
00:48:56.433 --> 00:48:57.476
[audience groaning]

1058
00:48:57.559 --> 00:48:58.644
He would…

1059
00:48:58.727 --> 00:49:00.979
People, listen to me. I've also…

1060
00:49:01.063 --> 00:49:03.106
I've known Joe since the '90s.

1061
00:49:03.190 --> 00:49:04.650
He is a sweet guy.

1062
00:49:04.733 --> 00:49:06.985
He has gone off the rails. You know why?

1063
00:49:07.069 --> 00:49:09.529
'Cause someone gave him
a hundred million dollars.

1064
00:49:09.613 --> 00:49:10.739
[audience laughs]

1065
00:49:10.822 --> 00:49:14.076
That would drive anybody… He's actually
handling it better than I would.

1066
00:49:14.576 --> 00:49:15.452
[audience laughs]

1067
00:49:15.535 --> 00:49:18.580
If I had a fucking podcast about knitting

1068
00:49:18.664 --> 00:49:23.043
and someone gave me a hundred million,
I would fuck yarn on my podcast!

1069
00:49:23.126 --> 00:49:25.128
[audience laughing]

1070
00:49:28.048 --> 00:49:31.802
And Joe would be like,
"Patton went fucking nuts. Oh my God."

1071
00:49:33.679 --> 00:49:34.721
[Patton chuckles]

1072
00:49:38.183 --> 00:49:41.061
Aging isn't bad
if you don't take it personally.

1073
00:49:41.144 --> 00:49:42.813
That's the key, you know.

1074
00:49:42.896 --> 00:49:44.022
Treat it like it's a…

1075
00:49:44.106 --> 00:49:46.108
Pretend you're Jeff Goldblum in The Fly,

1076
00:49:46.191 --> 00:49:49.611
and you're watching all this weird shit
happen. You're like, "Oh my!"

1077
00:49:49.695 --> 00:49:54.032
Get a leather-bound notebook.
Take notes, you know, late at night, like…

1078
00:49:54.116 --> 00:49:56.952
"Oh. My farts smell like old books."

1079
00:49:57.035 --> 00:49:58.954
-"That's… Hmm."
-[audience laughing]

1080
00:49:59.037 --> 00:50:00.998
"But I'm not eating old books. This…"

1081
00:50:01.623 --> 00:50:03.709
"This calls for further examination."

1082
00:50:03.792 --> 00:50:05.794
[audience laughing]

1083
00:50:07.838 --> 00:50:12.009
"Day 17. Takes longer to stop peeing
than it does to pee."

1084
00:50:12.092 --> 00:50:14.094
[audience laughing]

1085
00:50:21.977 --> 00:50:23.437
It's coming for all of us.

1086
00:50:25.564 --> 00:50:27.858
I'm gonna leave you
with this story about my, uh…

1087
00:50:27.941 --> 00:50:30.444
Another breakdown that I had.

1088
00:50:30.527 --> 00:50:33.697
Foot, all of it, it's all coming apart.
But you know what?

1089
00:50:34.448 --> 00:50:36.783
We're living in the 21st century
and it's okay.

1090
00:50:37.284 --> 00:50:38.660
Always keep that in mind.

1091
00:50:38.744 --> 00:50:42.330
Last year, last November,
I had to have some

1092
00:50:42.831 --> 00:50:45.000
minor surgery, right?

1093
00:50:45.083 --> 00:50:48.754
And I'm gonna tell you the story.
I'm gonna use a little AP English zhoosh

1094
00:50:49.337 --> 00:50:52.257
to keep it from being horrifying,
'cause it is.

1095
00:50:53.425 --> 00:50:56.845
I had to have some minor surgery,
the kind of surgery that,

1096
00:50:57.637 --> 00:50:58.889
um, I'll put it this way,

1097
00:50:58.972 --> 00:51:02.350
men my age who sit down a lot
have to have.

1098
00:51:03.185 --> 00:51:04.394
See where I'm going?

1099
00:51:06.104 --> 00:51:09.483
So… And I'm worried. Still Covid.
"Oh my God, what if I get an infection?"

1100
00:51:09.566 --> 00:51:12.319
But I forgot I live in the 21st century.

1101
00:51:12.819 --> 00:51:15.739
I have all these advantages
in the plus column.

1102
00:51:16.656 --> 00:51:20.285
On the day of the operation,
I summoned a car with my phone.

1103
00:51:20.786 --> 00:51:23.747
The car came. The guy was masked.
I was masked.

1104
00:51:23.830 --> 00:51:25.999
Car was clean, took me to the hospital.

1105
00:51:26.083 --> 00:51:29.544
Doctor met me, showed me
all the cleanliness protocols they had.

1106
00:51:29.628 --> 00:51:31.588
He said, "This surgery, we've refined it."

1107
00:51:31.671 --> 00:51:34.257
"It only takes an hour.
You'll be out for an hour."

1108
00:51:34.341 --> 00:51:35.759
"You'll go home today."

1109
00:51:36.301 --> 00:51:39.513
He put me under. I wake up an hour later.
Oh my God, I'm fine.

1110
00:51:39.596 --> 00:51:40.722
He goes, "You are fine."

1111
00:51:40.806 --> 00:51:44.601
"Here are some cutting-edge painkillers
to help you with your recovery."

1112
00:51:44.684 --> 00:51:46.103
"You won't feel a thing."

1113
00:51:46.186 --> 00:51:49.189
"Now take out your phone
and summon another car."

1114
00:51:49.272 --> 00:51:51.525
"You live in the 21st century."

1115
00:51:52.150 --> 00:51:54.402
And I did, and the car took me home.

1116
00:51:54.486 --> 00:51:56.613
And when I got home, I had a device

1117
00:51:56.696 --> 00:51:59.366
onto which I could call, from the air,

1118
00:51:59.449 --> 00:52:05.163
movies, books, television shows, music
to entertain me while I recovered.

1119
00:52:05.247 --> 00:52:06.790
Twenty-first century.

1120
00:52:08.917 --> 00:52:10.210
When I left the hospital,

1121
00:52:11.253 --> 00:52:12.212
the doctor said,

1122
00:52:13.130 --> 00:52:14.881
"There's a certain bodily function,

1123
00:52:15.966 --> 00:52:18.301
that you're used to doing every day."

1124
00:52:19.136 --> 00:52:20.929
"And for the next few days,

1125
00:52:21.721 --> 00:52:23.098
you're not gonna do it."

1126
00:52:23.181 --> 00:52:24.558
[audience laughs]

1127
00:52:24.641 --> 00:52:26.726
"And then, after three or four days,

1128
00:52:27.269 --> 00:52:28.687
all of a sudden,

1129
00:52:29.604 --> 00:52:30.730
you will do it."

1130
00:52:30.814 --> 00:52:32.315
[audience laughing]

1131
00:52:32.399 --> 00:52:34.276
"But the first time you do it,

1132
00:52:35.068 --> 00:52:36.611
it will be doing you."

1133
00:52:36.695 --> 00:52:38.697
[audience laughing]

1134
00:52:39.781 --> 00:52:41.116
"There's no shame in it."

1135
00:52:41.825 --> 00:52:44.870
"It's gonna happen, part of the recovery."

1136
00:52:44.953 --> 00:52:46.413
"Go heal in peace."

1137
00:52:46.496 --> 00:52:47.414
I go home.

1138
00:52:48.290 --> 00:52:51.793
First day, I watch movies.
I read books on my iPad.

1139
00:52:51.877 --> 00:52:52.836
I go to sleep.

1140
00:52:52.919 --> 00:52:54.254
Nothing happens.

1141
00:52:54.337 --> 00:52:58.300
Next day, watch movies,
read books on my iPad, go to sleep.

1142
00:52:58.800 --> 00:52:59.801
Nothing happens.

1143
00:53:00.302 --> 00:53:01.219
Third day,

1144
00:53:01.303 --> 00:53:04.806
watch movies, read books on my iPad,

1145
00:53:04.890 --> 00:53:06.016
go to sleep.

1146
00:53:08.476 --> 00:53:10.145
3:30 in the morning.

1147
00:53:10.228 --> 00:53:12.272
[audience laughing]

1148
00:53:12.355 --> 00:53:13.523
It happens.

1149
00:53:14.191 --> 00:53:17.402
But I wake up as it's happening
and I can feel it coming.

1150
00:53:17.485 --> 00:53:19.196
I'm half a second ahead of it.

1151
00:53:19.279 --> 00:53:22.073
Oh my goodness,
it's not gonna be a disaster.

1152
00:53:22.157 --> 00:53:25.744
I hop out of bed. Everything's okay.
I make it across the bedroom floor.

1153
00:53:25.827 --> 00:53:30.123
I get into the bathroom.
I'm ten feet away from the toilet.

1154
00:53:30.207 --> 00:53:31.583
I'm gonna make it.

1155
00:53:31.666 --> 00:53:33.126
[sings suspenseful melody]

1156
00:53:33.210 --> 00:53:34.878
Boom! No.

1157
00:53:34.961 --> 00:53:36.963
[audience laughing]

1158
00:53:44.763 --> 00:53:47.849
I had managed to get my underwear
and sweatpants off.

1159
00:53:47.933 --> 00:53:49.935
[audience laughing]

1160
00:53:51.311 --> 00:53:54.064
Which made things ten times worse.

1161
00:53:54.147 --> 00:53:56.149
[audience laughing]

1162
00:53:57.442 --> 00:53:58.860
Because now,

1163
00:54:01.821 --> 00:54:04.908
our pristine white-tile bathroom…

1164
00:54:04.991 --> 00:54:07.202
[audience laughing]

1165
00:54:07.285 --> 00:54:09.120
…was

1166
00:54:09.913 --> 00:54:11.248
decorated for autumn.

1167
00:54:11.331 --> 00:54:13.959
-How about that, huh? Yeah.
-[audience laughing]

1168
00:54:14.042 --> 00:54:15.335
Happy Thanksgiving.

1169
00:54:15.418 --> 00:54:16.253
So…

1170
00:54:16.336 --> 00:54:17.545
[audience laughing]

1171
00:54:17.629 --> 00:54:18.755
I'm standing there

1172
00:54:19.589 --> 00:54:22.634
going, "Oh my God, I've got two choices.
I can either clean myself off,

1173
00:54:22.717 --> 00:54:25.929
or risk my wife coming in
and seeing this disaster,

1174
00:54:26.012 --> 00:54:27.847
which she doesn't deserve."

1175
00:54:27.931 --> 00:54:29.557
So, I do the second choice.

1176
00:54:29.641 --> 00:54:33.019
I clean up everything first.
I get a bunch of towels.

1177
00:54:33.103 --> 00:54:36.147
I get everything all cleaned up
in a big, gross wad.

1178
00:54:36.231 --> 00:54:37.941
I gotta take off all my clothes,

1179
00:54:38.483 --> 00:54:41.653
including my shirt. I'd ruined my shirt.

1180
00:54:41.736 --> 00:54:43.363
[audience laughing]

1181
00:54:43.446 --> 00:54:44.906
Physics.

1182
00:54:44.990 --> 00:54:45.865
So…

1183
00:54:45.949 --> 00:54:47.951
[audience laughing]

1184
00:54:52.998 --> 00:54:54.374
Take the whole wad

1185
00:54:55.083 --> 00:54:56.793
down to the… And I'm nude now.

1186
00:54:57.669 --> 00:55:00.171
Go down to the kitchen
with this big wad of horror,

1187
00:55:00.672 --> 00:55:04.092
take the bag out of the can,
put this in the bag.

1188
00:55:04.175 --> 00:55:06.469
Now, four in the morning,

1189
00:55:06.553 --> 00:55:09.389
I gotta walk to the end of my driveway

1190
00:55:10.807 --> 00:55:12.642
where the trash cans are.

1191
00:55:14.311 --> 00:55:16.229
Get the thing open. Drop it.

1192
00:55:16.980 --> 00:55:18.148
And I just stand there.

1193
00:55:18.231 --> 00:55:20.358
[audience laughing]

1194
00:55:20.442 --> 00:55:21.276
Nude.

1195
00:55:21.359 --> 00:55:23.069
[audience laughing]

1196
00:55:23.153 --> 00:55:24.404
4:00 in the morning.

1197
00:55:25.822 --> 00:55:26.656
And I just

1198
00:55:28.241 --> 00:55:29.409
looked at the moon.

1199
00:55:29.492 --> 00:55:31.494
[audience laughing]

1200
00:55:33.997 --> 00:55:36.082
Like, hours ago,

1201
00:55:36.166 --> 00:55:37.751
I was in the 21st century…

1202
00:55:37.834 --> 00:55:39.377
[audience laughing]

1203
00:55:39.461 --> 00:55:43.381
…with access to cutting-edge technology,
medicine, transportation.

1204
00:55:44.090 --> 00:55:45.258
And now,

1205
00:55:45.342 --> 00:55:47.385
just a mere couple of hours later,

1206
00:55:48.178 --> 00:55:49.429
I had been revealed

1207
00:55:49.971 --> 00:55:52.807
as the naked ape I always was.

1208
00:55:52.891 --> 00:55:54.642
[audience laughing]

1209
00:55:54.726 --> 00:55:56.269
[applause]

1210
00:55:56.353 --> 00:55:58.396
[cheering and applause]

1211
00:56:02.817 --> 00:56:03.902
The naked,

1212
00:56:04.444 --> 00:56:06.196
shit-covered ape

1213
00:56:06.946 --> 00:56:08.823
that's inside all of us.

1214
00:56:10.075 --> 00:56:12.702
And I actually had
a weird moment of peace,

1215
00:56:12.786 --> 00:56:14.204
'cause it was so awful,

1216
00:56:14.788 --> 00:56:17.582
and I'm just like, "You know what?
I'm actually as far away

1217
00:56:17.665 --> 00:56:21.211
from the 21st century
as I could possibly be right now."

1218
00:56:21.294 --> 00:56:24.839
"I'm actually closer
to my Neanderthal forebears."

1219
00:56:25.382 --> 00:56:28.051
"There's something
weirdly cleansing about this."

1220
00:56:28.134 --> 00:56:30.553
And I had that feeling
for, like, ten seconds.

1221
00:56:31.221 --> 00:56:35.642
That's when I remembered all my neighbors
have ring cameras on their doors.

1222
00:56:35.725 --> 00:56:38.061
[audience laughing]

1223
00:56:39.771 --> 00:56:42.732
So everybody got
their Christmas card that year.

1224
00:56:43.274 --> 00:56:45.318
Thank you so much, Denver!

1225
00:56:45.402 --> 00:56:47.570
-[cheering and applause]
-Thank you!

1226
00:56:48.071 --> 00:56:49.697
Thank you, guys. Thank you!

1227
00:56:49.781 --> 00:56:51.032
Thank all of you.

1228
00:56:51.116 --> 00:56:54.411
-["Hard to Kill" by Bleached playing]
-[kisses] Thank you!

1229
00:56:54.494 --> 00:56:57.288
[cheering and applause continues]

1230
00:57:03.253 --> 00:57:07.048
♪ Place the gun to my heart ♪

1231
00:57:07.132 --> 00:57:10.844
♪ I don't care 'cause Friday I'm in love ♪

1232
00:57:10.927 --> 00:57:14.139
♪ We had a plan, don't make it weird ♪

1233
00:57:14.681 --> 00:57:17.851
♪ What I like, baby, it ain’t clear ♪

1234
00:57:17.934 --> 00:57:19.227
♪ So close ♪

1235
00:57:19.310 --> 00:57:21.563
♪ I'm looking for a place to breathe ♪

1236
00:57:21.646 --> 00:57:23.064
♪ So close ♪

1237
00:57:23.148 --> 00:57:25.483
♪ Drain me of my everything ♪

1238
00:57:25.567 --> 00:57:26.860
♪ Don't go ♪

1239
00:57:26.943 --> 00:57:28.778
♪ I wanna, wanna trust you ♪

1240
00:57:29.362 --> 00:57:30.613
♪ Don't go ♪

1241
00:57:31.114 --> 00:57:32.449
♪ Don't go ♪

1242
00:57:33.074 --> 00:57:36.077
♪ All the cities that we burned down ♪

1243
00:57:36.578 --> 00:57:38.830
♪ Turns out I'm very hard to kill ♪

1244
00:57:40.540 --> 00:57:43.418
♪ After all the damage we've done ♪

1245
00:57:44.085 --> 00:57:46.337
♪ Turns out I'm very hard to kill ♪

1246
00:57:48.256 --> 00:57:50.258
[whistling]

1247
00:58:05.231 --> 00:58:08.193
♪ Birthday cards at the corner store ♪

1248
00:58:08.276 --> 00:58:12.572
♪ You grabbed a box of Slims
And said, "I want more" ♪

1249
00:58:12.655 --> 00:58:15.909
♪ You're so cool, you hate yourself ♪

1250
00:58:15.992 --> 00:58:19.787
♪ Lying on the floor
In a stranger's house ♪

1251
00:58:27.003 --> 00:58:28.296
♪ So close ♪

1252
00:58:28.379 --> 00:58:30.048
♪ I'm looking for a place to-- ♪