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<i>Good evening,</i>
<i>ladies and gentlemen.</i>

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<i>Please welcome to the stage</i>

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<i>a man who really doesn't need to do this.</i>

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<i>Ricky Gervais.</i>

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Hello.

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-Hello. Thank you.

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Shush. Thank you very much. Shush.

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No, shush.

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Thank you, but shut the fuck up.

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No fucking whooping or-- Just laugh.

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No, but thank-- Shush. Everyone calm down.

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Shush!

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I'm filming this. Shut up, you cunts!

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Thank you very much.

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Um…

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Welcome to my show. Uh…

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It's not a show.
There's no dancers or jugglers.

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It's basically a bloke talking,

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um, which is essentially
what stand-up comedy is.

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A bloke talking.

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Sexist.

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-Um…

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What about all the funny female comedians?

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Like, um…

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-No. No. No.

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Right. No, no, no, no, no.

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I'm not doing that.
Okay, right. That was irony, okay?

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There'll be a bit of that throughout
the show. See if you can spot it.

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Now, that's when I say summat
I don't really mean for comic effect,

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and you, as an audience,
you laugh at the wrong thing

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'cause you know what the right thing is.
It's a way of satirizing attitudes.

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Like that first joke,

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I used the old-fashioned sexist trope
that women aren't funny.

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Now, in real life,
I know there are loads of funny women.

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Like, um…

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I did it again. Well spotted. Good.

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No, but there are. Um…

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Dame Edna Everage. She's…

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Uh…

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Eddie Izzard.

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She's brilliant, in't she?

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She's not only a great comedienne,
she's also a great actress, isn't she?

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She was brilliant
in that thing as that man, weren't sh--

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It's good to be back. Um…

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I fell back in love with stand-up
on my last tour, <i>Humanity.</i>

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I played arenas around the world.
Netflix bought it for a record amount.

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It was the most-watched special
of the year.

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I thought, "Everyone loves me now.
Everyone loves me now."

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Then I got this tweet.

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A real tweet, right?

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"Call yourself a comedian?"

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He knows I do.

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Literally says the word in my Twitter bio.

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"Call yourself a comedian?"

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"You're about as funny as…"

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Now, I thought he was gonna go
for the jugular and say, <i>"Miranda," </i>or…

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-Come on!

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Come on, guys. Don't--

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I'm joking. Right.

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"Call yourself a comedian?"

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"You're about as funny
as a fart at a baby's funeral."

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Yeah. He was trying to hurt my feelings.

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But his big mistake was choosing summat
that'd be fucking hilarious!

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-As if that would--

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-A fart at a baby's funeral?

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Big, echoey church.

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Everyone just silently sobbing like that.

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Tiny little coffin. Tiny little coffin.

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-And someone farts?

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-You'd laugh.

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Even if it was your baby. You know? No.

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If you're at the funeral,
it's been dead a week.

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-You're probably up for a giggle.

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Particularly if you're the father.

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If you're the mother,
you probably still find it hard

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-seeing "the funny side of things."

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Oh, women!

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Not all women.

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I mean, the old-fashioned ones.
The old-fashioned women. Oh God!

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You know, the ones with wombs.

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-Oh.

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Those fucking dinosaurs.

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No, I love the new women.
They're great, aren't they?

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The new ones we've been seeing lately.

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The ones with beards and cocks.
They're as good as…

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They're as good as gold. I love them.

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It's the old-fashioned…

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And now the old-fashioned, they go,
"Ooh, they wanna use our toilets!"

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"Why shouldn't they?"

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"For ladies!"

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"They <i>are </i>ladies. Look at their pronouns."

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"What about this person isn't a lady?"

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"Well, his penis."

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<i>"Her </i>penis, you fucking bigot!"

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"What if he rapes me?"

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-"What if <i>she </i>rapes you?"

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"You fucking TERF whore!"

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But that tweet sums comedy up, doesn't it?

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How subjective it is. How one person,
some people can find them hilarious,

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some find them
the least funny person in the world.

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When someone says to me
about another comedian,

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they say, "Oh, they're not funny,"

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even if I agree with them, I stand up--

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I say, "You can't say that.
You gotta say you don't find them funny."

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I hate it when people say,
"That joke was offensive."

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I say, "No, you gotta say
you found it offensive."

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It's about feelings,
and feelings are personal.

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And there's loads of types of comedy,
and comedy evolves.

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There's a new type of comedy at the moment
called woke comedy, right?

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No, it's very progressive, you know?

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There are clubs
where the comedian has to sign a thing

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saying he won't say anything contentious
or anything that could offend anyone.

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It's a safe space for the audience.
Woke comedy.

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And, uh, I tried to watch a bit of it,

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and I decided
I'd rather watch Louis CK masturbate.

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Can't mention him anymore.
He's canceled. Uh…

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Not enough to apologize and move on.
You gotta…

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Like poor Kevin Hart. See, Kevin Hart,
he got the job hosting the Oscars.

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His best day ever. He was on Twitter,
"I've wanted to do this all my life."

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And then someone found
these ten-year-old tweets.

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Look, they were sort of childish,
sort of shitty homophobic tweets.

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It was about his son.
He was mucking around.

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He said, "Oh, my son's doing so-and-so.
I hope he's not gay."

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There was a massive backlash.
He went, "I'm not homophobic, sorry."

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He deleted 'em, right,
and said, "I'm really sorry."

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Ten years later,
someone finds a screen grab

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and goes, "Look, he's done this."

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And the Oscars go,
"You gotta apologize again."

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He went, "No, I've apologized.
I can't keep apologizing."

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And he's right. If there's no value
to saying sorry and evolving,

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he might as well just tweet 'em again.

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That's how I deal with shit anyway.

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But if you're the type of person
to revel in someone getting canceled

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for summat they said ten years ago,

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you're just ensuring
that one day <i>you'll </i>be canceled

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for summat you said today.

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You can't predict
what'll be offensive in the future.

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You don't know
who the dominant mob will be.

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Like, the worst thing you can say today,

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get you canceled on Twitter,
death threats,

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the worst thing you can say today is,
"Women don't have penises," right?

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Now, no one saw that coming.

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There are no ten-year-old tweets
of people saying--

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You won't find a ten-year-old tweet

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of someone saying,
"Women don't have penises."

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Do you know why?
We didn't think we fucking had to.

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Liam Neeson. Oh.

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He nearly got canceled, didn't he?

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Liam Neeson. Now,

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-I don't know why he told this story.

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But he did,
at a press junket to a journalist, right,

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and he just started saying, uh,

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"It was 30 years ago,

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and, uh, my friend came home,

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and, um, she'd been raped," right, and…

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That's not the funny bit.

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He said, "She'd been raped."
I said, 'What did the guy look like?'"

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"Said it was a Black guy."

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"So I got my cosh and I went out
looking for the first Black guy."

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"Nothing happened. I came to my senses."

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But the weird thing about that story is,
who has a cosh?

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-Who has a…

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But it was touch and go.

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They canceled the premiere
'cause of the backlash.

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People wanted the film to be deleted,
and I get it.

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Some people can't separate the art form
with the artist's personal life.

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I know Liam. I've worked with him.
He's a lovely man. Definitely not racist.

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But when that broke,

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even I was like, "Oh, will I ever be able
to find <i>Schindler's List </i>funny again?"

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I… I… I do still find it funny, obviously.

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But now there's so much outrage,

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and we hear about it,
and it's taken seriously, you know?

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There's Oxbridge comedians
writing for the posh papers,

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the rules of comedy,

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they're laying it down,
laying down the law.

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And it's all stuff like,

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"Comedy should punch up.
You should never punch down."

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Sometimes you've gotta punch down,

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like if you're beating up
a disabled toddler.

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Know what I mean?

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If you punch up,
you'll miss the little cunt. He'll win.

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I like that joke
'cause it highlights the difference

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between metaphorical
punching down in jokes

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and <i>actual </i>punching down.

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But people nowadays want you to believe
that words are actual violence, right?

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Now, you laughed at a joke
about beating up a disabled toddler.

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No one got hurt. If I'd have actually
dragged out a disabled toddler

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and started beating him up,
you wouldn't laugh, right?

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That's why I dropped that bit.

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-Um…

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But these people are virtue signaling.

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They're trying to bring people down
to raise their own status,

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and they say,
"No, we're protecting minorities."

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They're basically saying
minorities haven't got a sense of humor,

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which is so patronizing.

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And I get that as well,
what it's like to be outnumbered.

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In this country,
we're still only 5% Black, 5% Asian,

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5% LGBTQ, you know? Tiny numbers.

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Now, I'm a white,
heterosexual multimillionaire, right?

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-Um…

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There's less than 1% of us.

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But… do I whine? No!

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-Do I…

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I don't mind. I just get on with it.
"Come on, Rick. Come on, Rick!"

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"Just keep fi--"

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I'm like Rosa Parks,
know what I mean? I'm like…

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Except I fought for the right to <i>never</i>
have to take a seat on a bus, but…

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People complain about things
they don't have to watch.

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It doesn't affect them, you know?

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And, again, everyone's got the right
to be offended and complain,

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but they've gotta know
that we're not <i>trying </i>to offend.

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That's not our aim, you know?
We're tying to make you laugh.

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We're trying to give you a good time.

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Here's the deal, right?

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So I riff…

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If I say summat tonight
that's <i>so </i>offensive,

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that you've never heard anything
so fucking off the charts in your life,

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don't make a scene.

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Go to the box office. They can't give you
your money back straight away.

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There's a form you fill out
with the complaint, and I take those away,

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and I shit on them.

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So that's the rules of comedy.

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<i>SuperNature.</i> Why <i>SuperNature?</i>

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Well, for two reasons.

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One, I wanna debunk the supernatural.

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I don't believe in anything supernatural.

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I believe that anything that exists
is by definition part of nature

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and is explainable,
if not now, then eventually.

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Also, <i>SuperNature </i>'cause nature
is super enough, you know?

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It's… It's amazing
that we're even here discussing it.

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We're the only species that allows
the universe to understand itself.

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The chances of us being here at all,

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the chances of you being you existing now,

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the chances of that sperm hitting that egg
is 400 trillion to one.

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And I think life is like a holiday.

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We don't exist
for 13 and a half billion years,

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then we have these 80, 90 years
if we're lucky,

240
00:12:52.120 --> 00:12:54.120
then we die, never to exist again.

241
00:12:54.200 --> 00:12:56.160
Some people are even offended by that.

242
00:12:56.240 --> 00:12:59.480
They go, "You can't say that.
This can't be chance."

243
00:12:59.560 --> 00:13:02.320
"It's too good.
Someone must have made it all."

244
00:13:02.400 --> 00:13:05.120
"I'm too special. I can't just not exist."

245
00:13:05.200 --> 00:13:08.000
"I'll live again. I'll, uh…
I'll go to heaven."

246
00:13:08.080 --> 00:13:10.840
"I'll be with my friends and family
or come back as a spirit

247
00:13:10.920 --> 00:13:11.960
and walk amongst you."

248
00:13:12.040 --> 00:13:15.680
"Or I'll be reincarnated.
I'll come back as someone else."

249
00:13:15.760 --> 00:13:17.560
That'd just be someone else.

250
00:13:19.800 --> 00:13:23.360
That's all that's happened.
You're not involved. That is just…

251
00:13:24.680 --> 00:13:26.720
…someone else, right?

252
00:13:27.840 --> 00:13:30.040
Many people believe in reincarnation,
of course.

253
00:13:30.120 --> 00:13:33.720
Some people claim they remember
who they were in a previous life. Um…

254
00:13:33.800 --> 00:13:36.480
There's a society in America, of course...

255
00:13:36.560 --> 00:13:38.320
-Um…

256
00:13:38.400 --> 00:13:41.520
-In California, of course, right?

257
00:13:41.600 --> 00:13:44.160
And they remember
who they were in a previous life.

258
00:13:44.240 --> 00:13:46.960
They're always someone pretty special
in their previous life.

259
00:13:47.040 --> 00:13:49.920
Not so much
in the life they've got now, right?

260
00:13:50.000 --> 00:13:52.960
-But I saw a documentary about it,

261
00:13:53.040 --> 00:13:55.840
and every year,
they have a "come as you were" party,

262
00:13:55.920 --> 00:13:59.280
where they go dressed
as the person they were in history.

263
00:14:00.080 --> 00:14:01.400
Two Napoleons.

264
00:14:03.920 --> 00:14:07.600
So at least one of 'em is fucking lying.

265
00:14:10.560 --> 00:14:12.760
No reincarnation. No ghosts.

266
00:14:12.840 --> 00:14:14.560
You seen all the ghost hunter shows?

267
00:14:14.640 --> 00:14:16.600
Oh my God, hundreds of ghost hunter shows.

268
00:14:16.680 --> 00:14:18.880
Years and years. <i>Celebrity Ghost Hunter.</i>

269
00:14:18.960 --> 00:14:21.320
All around the world,

270
00:14:21.400 --> 00:14:23.800
thousands and thousands
of hours of footage,

271
00:14:23.880 --> 00:14:27.400
they've never seen a fucking ghost.
Not one.

272
00:14:27.480 --> 00:14:30.800
It's all like, "What was that?
Oh, it's just the… No, not the…"

273
00:14:32.000 --> 00:14:33.800
"Did you hear that? Oh, was it you?"

274
00:14:33.880 --> 00:14:35.800
-"No."

275
00:14:35.880 --> 00:14:38.040
Imagine if wildlife programs
were like that.

276
00:14:39.320 --> 00:14:42.200
Imagine watching David Attenborough
all these years and he goes,

277
00:14:42.280 --> 00:14:44.840
"Here on Kilimanjaro, we see--"

278
00:14:44.920 --> 00:14:46.040
"Oh, no, it's not…"

279
00:14:51.440 --> 00:14:54.000
"And by the banks of the Limpopo,
the elusive--"

280
00:14:54.080 --> 00:14:55.000
"Oh, it's not…"

281
00:14:57.680 --> 00:14:59.160
You'd stop watching the cunt.

282
00:15:00.960 --> 00:15:02.560
They've never seen a ghost.

283
00:15:03.280 --> 00:15:05.840
The pedo hunter shows, on the other hand…

284
00:15:07.400 --> 00:15:10.160
There's usually a couple in the crew
just in case.

285
00:15:10.240 --> 00:15:13.240
-Particularly if it's a BBC production.

286
00:15:13.840 --> 00:15:15.520
Oh shut up!

287
00:15:20.160 --> 00:15:23.160
There's no reincarnation,
no ghosts, no heaven, I believe.

288
00:15:23.240 --> 00:15:24.400
People can't get over that.

289
00:15:24.480 --> 00:15:26.960
People quiz me on Twitter
when they find out I'm an atheist.

290
00:15:27.040 --> 00:15:28.920
They go,
"You don't believe in God at all?"

291
00:15:29.000 --> 00:15:30.200
I go, "No."

292
00:15:30.280 --> 00:15:32.280
"Do you pray?" I go, "No."

293
00:15:33.360 --> 00:15:36.080
They go, "Why don't you pray
just in case there's a God?"

294
00:15:36.160 --> 00:15:38.520
I say, "Why don't you put garlic
over your door

295
00:15:38.600 --> 00:15:40.360
just in case there's a Dracula?"

296
00:15:40.440 --> 00:15:43.000
-I got no problem with praying.

297
00:15:43.080 --> 00:15:45.800
I know loads of nice Christians
and Muslims and Jews,

298
00:15:45.880 --> 00:15:49.000
and if one of my family is very ill,
they say, "I'll pray for them."

299
00:15:49.080 --> 00:15:51.600
I say, "Thanks very much,"
'cause it's a nice gesture.

300
00:15:51.680 --> 00:15:53.960
If they said,
"We also canceled the chemotherapy,"

301
00:15:54.040 --> 00:15:57.080
-I'd go, "Don't do that. Don't do that."

302
00:15:57.160 --> 00:16:00.520
-"Pray? Fill your boots, son, but let's…"

303
00:16:00.600 --> 00:16:04.280
"Let's do the praying
<i>and </i>the chemotherapy, shall we?"

304
00:16:04.360 --> 00:16:07.120
"'Cause that's the same result
as just the chemotherapy,

305
00:16:07.200 --> 00:16:10.680
so let's… let's definitely keep that one,
shall we?"

306
00:16:12.760 --> 00:16:16.280
I got in trouble talking about praying
on Twitter. Remember a few years ago,

307
00:16:16.360 --> 00:16:18.840
that terrible disaster in Oklahoma,
the hurricane?

308
00:16:18.920 --> 00:16:22.640
People lost their lives, their livelihood,
and I donated to the Red Cross.

309
00:16:22.720 --> 00:16:25.560
I tweeted about it with a link saying,
"You can donate here too,"

310
00:16:25.640 --> 00:16:26.920
trying to help them,

311
00:16:27.000 --> 00:16:30.600
and one of those frivolous
entertainment magazines from America,

312
00:16:30.680 --> 00:16:32.840
their account tweeted this thing
that annoyed me.

313
00:16:32.920 --> 00:16:36.720
They tweeted, "Beyoncé and Rihanna
send prayers to Oklahoma."

314
00:16:36.800 --> 00:16:40.080
And I tweeted back going,
"I feel like a cunt. I only sent money."

315
00:16:50.200 --> 00:16:51.920
Someone tweeted me once,

316
00:16:52.000 --> 00:16:54.160
"Would you come to the bedside
of a dying child

317
00:16:54.240 --> 00:16:55.600
and tell them there's no heaven?"

318
00:16:55.680 --> 00:16:57.720
I tweeted back, "Is it a paid gig?"

319
00:17:03.200 --> 00:17:04.320
Oh…

320
00:17:05.600 --> 00:17:09.040
I don't care whether you believe or not,
what you believe in, who you pray to.

321
00:17:09.120 --> 00:17:10.800
Doesn't affect me.

322
00:17:10.880 --> 00:17:13.800
I just think
that nature is super enough, you know?

323
00:17:13.880 --> 00:17:18.160
I don't think we need angels and unicorns.
We've got the fucking octopus.

324
00:17:18.240 --> 00:17:19.800
That actually exists.

325
00:17:19.880 --> 00:17:22.480
Eight legs, nine brains,
three hearts, and a beak.

326
00:17:22.560 --> 00:17:25.000
Make your fucking mind up!
What are you doing?

327
00:17:25.080 --> 00:17:27.400
The duck-billed platypus, a monotreme.

328
00:17:27.480 --> 00:17:30.440
When scientists first found that,
they thought it was a hoax

329
00:17:30.520 --> 00:17:32.440
'cause it produces eggs and milk.

330
00:17:32.520 --> 00:17:36.240
It could make its own custard.
It doesn't, but it… it could.

331
00:17:38.160 --> 00:17:41.160
It could. It definitely could.

332
00:17:43.280 --> 00:17:47.280
But even though we know the chances
of us existing at all are astronomical

333
00:17:47.360 --> 00:17:48.720
and that life is so short,

334
00:17:48.800 --> 00:17:51.040
we waste so much of it
worrying about stuff,

335
00:17:51.120 --> 00:17:52.800
about things that might never happen,

336
00:17:52.880 --> 00:17:55.800
about things that won't matter in a week,
let alone a year or ten.

337
00:17:55.880 --> 00:17:57.960
I'm terrible. I worry. I'm a worrier.

338
00:17:58.040 --> 00:18:00.880
I lay awake at night thinking,
"What if…" and all that,

339
00:18:00.960 --> 00:18:02.480
and I hate being stressed.

340
00:18:02.560 --> 00:18:06.160
So I try and rule stress out of my life,
which is really stressful

341
00:18:06.240 --> 00:18:09.320
'cause I have to have
a plan A and a plan B and a plan C.

342
00:18:09.400 --> 00:18:13.320
And if I do all my work, at home, I go,
"Right, militant. No work. Just relax."

343
00:18:13.400 --> 00:18:15.240
"Just a glass of wine. Just relax."

344
00:18:15.320 --> 00:18:18.640
If summat comes through the door,
I'm like, "What the fuck's that?"

345
00:18:19.800 --> 00:18:21.800
It's usually money. Um…

346
00:18:23.400 --> 00:18:25.480
Right.

347
00:18:25.560 --> 00:18:29.000
And Jane, my girlfriend, she's like,
"Let's have a look, shall we?"

348
00:18:29.080 --> 00:18:32.640
She tries to calm me down.
I've been with Jane now nearly 40 years.

349
00:18:32.720 --> 00:18:33.880
And we've--

350
00:18:33.960 --> 00:18:36.000
-Thank you.

351
00:18:36.080 --> 00:18:37.920
And we've always had cats

352
00:18:38.000 --> 00:18:41.360
'cause Jane read early days that a cat
will make you live longer, de-stress you,

353
00:18:41.440 --> 00:18:43.880
stops you having a heart attack and stroke
if you're wound up.

354
00:18:43.960 --> 00:18:45.960
She was basically trying to save my life.

355
00:18:46.040 --> 00:18:48.200
So we got cats. We've always had cats.

356
00:18:48.280 --> 00:18:50.600
I think it works.
Like, if I'm really stressed,

357
00:18:50.680 --> 00:18:52.720
I go, "Where's the cat?" Right?

358
00:18:52.800 --> 00:18:54.480
Fell asleep. "Wake up!"

359
00:18:56.280 --> 00:18:59.920
"What?" So, no, then I stroke the cat,
and I'm thinking, "Oh, I'm stressed."

360
00:19:00.000 --> 00:19:01.480
"Look, she's so unstressed."

361
00:19:01.560 --> 00:19:04.760
And I think, "That's unfair,"
and that stresses me out a little bit.

362
00:19:04.840 --> 00:19:06.800
I've got the weight of the world
on my shoulders.

363
00:19:06.880 --> 00:19:08.880
She's got nothing.
No conscience, no guilt.

364
00:19:08.960 --> 00:19:12.280
You will never see a cat feeling guilty.
You will never go into a room

365
00:19:12.360 --> 00:19:14.800
and see a cat like that,
"That's fucked up."

366
00:19:16.640 --> 00:19:18.080
You go, "What's the matter?"

367
00:19:18.160 --> 00:19:20.160
"What's the matter?" "Yeah."

368
00:19:20.240 --> 00:19:23.280
"All the fucking shit in there.
That's what's the matter, mate."

369
00:19:24.440 --> 00:19:27.880
"Like what?"
"Like… like that bloody mouse I killed."

370
00:19:29.760 --> 00:19:31.560
"Probably had a family, didn't it?"

371
00:19:32.800 --> 00:19:34.080
"Probably, yeah."

372
00:19:34.160 --> 00:19:36.000
"I didn't have to torture it first."

373
00:19:37.280 --> 00:19:39.520
-They don't give a fuck.

374
00:19:39.600 --> 00:19:42.920
If a cat was big enough,
it would kill you and eat you.

375
00:19:43.000 --> 00:19:44.800
They're the opposite to dogs.

376
00:19:44.880 --> 00:19:48.000
This sums up the difference
between cats and dogs once and for all.

377
00:19:48.080 --> 00:19:50.760
The cat has got a barbed penis.

378
00:19:50.840 --> 00:19:52.160
True. Google it.

379
00:19:52.240 --> 00:19:53.920
Careful. Right, but…

380
00:19:55.160 --> 00:19:57.720
A barbed penis, right? Two reasons.

381
00:19:57.800 --> 00:20:00.400
One, it holds the female in place
during mating.

382
00:20:00.480 --> 00:20:04.480
So it slides in easy,
then it goes, "Oh, run? Oh, you can't."

383
00:20:09.000 --> 00:20:12.880
And, two, when it withdraws,
that pain causes the female to ovulate.

384
00:20:12.960 --> 00:20:14.760
Think of a different way, mate.

385
00:20:14.840 --> 00:20:17.280
And that makes me think
maybe there is a God

386
00:20:17.360 --> 00:20:20.480
'cause, I mean, maybe he did cats and dogs
'cause they're--

387
00:20:20.560 --> 00:20:22.080
He went, "Boom, there you go."

388
00:20:22.160 --> 00:20:24.680
"Cats and dogs,
you're ballpark furry mammals."

389
00:20:24.760 --> 00:20:27.280
"You live at home.
It's a good gig. You get fed.

390
00:20:27.920 --> 00:20:31.400
"What sort of penis were you… hoping for?

391
00:20:31.480 --> 00:20:32.920
"Dog." "Doesn't matter."

392
00:20:33.000 --> 00:20:35.680
"Whatever you--
It'll be the best penis ever."

393
00:20:35.760 --> 00:20:38.880
"Just summat that matches my onesie,
just a little, uh…"

394
00:20:40.000 --> 00:20:42.880
"Maybe a little furry mound.
Summat lady dogs would like."

395
00:20:42.960 --> 00:20:46.240
"A little furry mound
with a little pink lipstick in it."

396
00:20:50.080 --> 00:20:51.800
"Furry lipstick. Good choice."

397
00:20:53.960 --> 00:20:55.040
"Cat."

398
00:20:55.120 --> 00:20:56.920
"Gimme a fuck-stalk with hooks."

399
00:21:04.920 --> 00:21:09.560
The cat is the only animal
that domesticated itself. It's true.

400
00:21:09.640 --> 00:21:12.520
Just wandered into civilization
about 10,000 years ago

401
00:21:12.600 --> 00:21:14.600
and went, "Meow! Feed me," right?

402
00:21:14.680 --> 00:21:17.760
They made the meow up for us.
They don't do that in the feral state.

403
00:21:17.840 --> 00:21:19.880
"Meow!" They learned that we… "Aw!"

404
00:21:19.960 --> 00:21:22.320
And it works. My cat goes, "Meow!" "Aw!"

405
00:21:22.400 --> 00:21:25.600
I let my cat do anything it wants.
It can sleep or go where it wants.

406
00:21:25.680 --> 00:21:28.560
If we get a parcel in the post,

407
00:21:28.640 --> 00:21:31.240
if I undo it, right,
and if she gets in the box,

408
00:21:31.320 --> 00:21:33.600
"Aw!" I can't throw it away.

409
00:21:33.680 --> 00:21:36.120
We got about 17 all over the…

410
00:21:37.000 --> 00:21:38.120
mansion.

411
00:21:38.200 --> 00:21:40.200
-Um…

412
00:21:42.200 --> 00:21:45.480
And if we're watching telly,
me and Jane, if it gets in our lap,

413
00:21:45.560 --> 00:21:46.880
such a privilege, we don't move.

414
00:21:46.960 --> 00:21:48.880
Even if we need a wee,
we don't wanna disturb it.

415
00:21:48.960 --> 00:21:51.480
The other one gets the drinks
all night. "Aw!"

416
00:21:51.560 --> 00:21:53.840
And people say to me,
"You spoil that cat."

417
00:21:53.920 --> 00:21:56.160
I go, "Yeah, I do. It's a cat."

418
00:21:56.760 --> 00:21:57.680
It's not a person.

419
00:21:57.760 --> 00:22:00.640
What's the worst that can happen
if you spoil a cat?

420
00:22:00.720 --> 00:22:03.960
It doesn't grow up
to be fucking Boris Johnson. It's…

421
00:22:05.720 --> 00:22:08.400
No, I don't… I don't get political. Um…

422
00:22:09.000 --> 00:22:11.440
Although he is out of his depth, okay?

423
00:22:12.600 --> 00:22:17.800
I mean, he started off by saying
women in burkas look like postboxes.

424
00:22:17.880 --> 00:22:22.520
Now, it's not up to Boris Johnson
what a Muslim woman wears on her face.

425
00:22:22.600 --> 00:22:23.960
It's up to her husband.

426
00:22:26.960 --> 00:22:27.880
Not…

427
00:22:30.440 --> 00:22:32.560
Not my rules. Not my rules.

428
00:22:35.080 --> 00:22:36.560
This won't be in the special.

429
00:22:36.640 --> 00:22:38.480
-Um…

430
00:22:44.520 --> 00:22:45.440
Edit.

431
00:22:47.080 --> 00:22:48.640
Yeah, cats, in't they?

432
00:22:57.400 --> 00:23:00.080
No, I… I do love cats. Um…

433
00:23:00.160 --> 00:23:03.920
I really love dogs. We haven't got a dog
'cause we travel too much, usually.

434
00:23:04.000 --> 00:23:06.720
But wherever we are in the world,
New York or London,

435
00:23:06.800 --> 00:23:08.840
we go for a walk every day
just to meet dogs,

436
00:23:08.920 --> 00:23:11.440
in Central Park or Hampstead Heath.

437
00:23:11.520 --> 00:23:14.040
I know about 200 dogs by name now,

438
00:23:14.120 --> 00:23:16.280
and you always meet
a few of your little friends,

439
00:23:16.360 --> 00:23:19.160
and it sets me up for the day.
It's like my fucking heroin.

440
00:23:19.240 --> 00:23:21.640
And if you meet a brand-new dog,
you go, "Hello,"

441
00:23:21.720 --> 00:23:24.120
he's never met you before,
and if you're nice to it,

442
00:23:24.200 --> 00:23:25.960
he's just met you,
and suddenly you're best--

443
00:23:26.040 --> 00:23:29.280
He'd do anything for you.
"Need a kidney?" They are amazing, dogs.

444
00:23:29.360 --> 00:23:31.920
It makes me laugh,
that sign people put on their house,

445
00:23:32.000 --> 00:23:35.360
"Beware of the dog." That makes me
wanna go in the house to meet it.

446
00:23:35.440 --> 00:23:38.480
So if you wanna keep me out of your house,

447
00:23:38.560 --> 00:23:42.560
put up a sign that says,
I dunno, "Beware of the AIDS," you know?

448
00:23:45.240 --> 00:23:48.280
Although that's not
as good as it was, is it, AIDS?

449
00:23:48.360 --> 00:23:50.960
No, seriously,
it's like all diseases let you down,

450
00:23:51.040 --> 00:23:51.960
but that was…

451
00:23:52.040 --> 00:23:55.520
I mean, in its heyday,
it was fucking amazing, wasn't it, AIDS?

452
00:23:56.640 --> 00:23:58.120
Coronavirus? Fuck off.

453
00:23:58.200 --> 00:24:01.240
That couldn't…
couldn't hold a candle to AIDS.

454
00:24:02.600 --> 00:24:06.320
In the '80s, two blokes talking,
it would be, "Oh, will you suck my cock?"

455
00:24:06.400 --> 00:24:08.360
"Fuck off. You've got AIDS. I'd die."

456
00:24:08.440 --> 00:24:11.320
Now it's, "Give it here.
I'll take pills for the rest of my life."

457
00:24:11.400 --> 00:24:13.360
-There's no…

458
00:24:16.400 --> 00:24:20.480
But the bigots jumped on it in the '80s,
the Christian right,

459
00:24:20.560 --> 00:24:23.800
all fundamentalists, actually,
by going, "This is God's wrath."

460
00:24:23.880 --> 00:24:26.080
"This is God's punishment
for homosexuality."

461
00:24:26.160 --> 00:24:27.280
Imagine thinking that.

462
00:24:27.360 --> 00:24:30.920
What are you imagining
in your head to think that's true?

463
00:24:31.000 --> 00:24:32.880
So you think God's in heaven, do you,

464
00:24:32.960 --> 00:24:35.160
and he's looking down on civilization,

465
00:24:35.240 --> 00:24:37.880
and he suddenly goes,
"I'm sick of all this bumming"?

466
00:24:39.520 --> 00:24:40.920
"I mean, what the--"

467
00:24:41.000 --> 00:24:43.520
"Oh, come on, lads! What's going-- What?"

468
00:24:44.880 --> 00:24:46.040
"Oh, look at…"

469
00:24:46.120 --> 00:24:48.600
"I've warned 'em. It's in the Bible."

470
00:24:48.680 --> 00:24:50.440
"No bumming." Not in those words.

471
00:24:51.560 --> 00:24:52.920
Leviticus 28:11.

472
00:24:53.000 --> 00:24:55.280
"Any man who lieth with another man
as he doth a woman,

473
00:24:55.360 --> 00:24:57.800
they are both an abomination
and shall surely be put to death."

474
00:24:57.880 --> 00:25:00.560
-Basically, no bumming, right?

475
00:25:00.640 --> 00:25:03.360
So he went, "They're taking the piss.
I've gotta do summat."

476
00:25:03.440 --> 00:25:06.040
"I know. AIDS." Like that.

477
00:25:06.120 --> 00:25:09.400
Like he did with light,
just like, "Oh, it's dark. What can I do?"

478
00:25:09.480 --> 00:25:11.800
"Light," right? "Let there be light."

479
00:25:11.880 --> 00:25:14.440
The same with this. "Let there be AIDS."

480
00:25:14.520 --> 00:25:16.080
"And there was AIDS."

481
00:25:16.160 --> 00:25:18.760
Not on earth,
but up in his laboratory, right?

482
00:25:18.840 --> 00:25:22.240
So he'd made the AIDS, all there,

483
00:25:22.320 --> 00:25:24.800
horrible little things, right,
"There you are."

484
00:25:25.960 --> 00:25:27.720
You couldn't see 'em,
but he could see 'em.

485
00:25:27.800 --> 00:25:29.720
Like that, right?

486
00:25:29.800 --> 00:25:32.720
And he went, "Right, you're AIDS."
They went, "We're what?"

487
00:25:32.800 --> 00:25:35.840
He went, "You're AIDS."
They went, "What's that?"

488
00:25:35.920 --> 00:25:37.600
"It's, like, the worst disease ever."

489
00:25:37.680 --> 00:25:40.000
They went, "Oh, brilliant." And he went…

490
00:25:40.080 --> 00:25:42.640
Netflix have already bought this.
Fuck 'em, right?

491
00:25:46.840 --> 00:25:47.880
"You're AIDS."

492
00:25:47.960 --> 00:25:52.600
"Right, what do we do?"
"Right, I want you to kill homosexuals."

493
00:25:53.200 --> 00:25:54.120
"Why?"

494
00:25:55.040 --> 00:25:56.320
"I don't like watching 'em."

495
00:25:57.920 --> 00:25:59.200
"Don't watch 'em, then."

496
00:25:59.840 --> 00:26:02.800
"I've got no choice. I'm omnipresent, so…"

497
00:26:03.600 --> 00:26:06.400
"I'm watching
50 million people bumming right now."

498
00:26:07.680 --> 00:26:09.080
"So, you know…"

499
00:26:09.160 --> 00:26:10.680
"Right. So what do we do?"

500
00:26:10.760 --> 00:26:12.920
"I'm gonna put you down on earth."
"Where?"

501
00:26:13.800 --> 00:26:16.120
"Africa, right?"

502
00:26:21.800 --> 00:26:22.880
"Why Africa?"

503
00:26:23.840 --> 00:26:25.040
"They're dying anyway."

504
00:26:25.120 --> 00:26:26.720
Oh!

505
00:26:26.800 --> 00:26:30.280
That's not me saying that, is it?
That's God. That's God saying that.

506
00:26:35.440 --> 00:26:37.120
"Where-- where in Africa?"

507
00:26:37.200 --> 00:26:40.360
"Oh, just in an arse, right?
I'm gonna put you in--"

508
00:26:42.720 --> 00:26:44.360
"I'm gonna--" "In all the shit?"

509
00:26:44.440 --> 00:26:47.120
"Yes, yes. I'm gonna put you in an arse."

510
00:26:47.200 --> 00:26:50.880
"That is where you're gonna do a lot
of your best work through the 1980s."

511
00:26:52.480 --> 00:26:55.840
"Right? So I'm gonna cram you
in an arse, right?"

512
00:26:55.920 --> 00:26:57.000
"Then what?" "Right."

513
00:26:57.080 --> 00:27:00.720
"If a cock comes in,
that shouldn't be there, right?"

514
00:27:00.800 --> 00:27:03.040
-"Get in the cock as well."

515
00:27:03.120 --> 00:27:04.640
"What, all of us?" "No."

516
00:27:05.280 --> 00:27:08.680
"Some of you get in the cock,
some of you stay in the arse

517
00:27:08.760 --> 00:27:12.240
-in case another cock comes along."

518
00:27:12.320 --> 00:27:15.240
"And if I know this arse,
there <i>will </i>be another cock."

519
00:27:20.400 --> 00:27:23.480
"So some of us get in the cock,
some of us stay in the arse."

520
00:27:23.560 --> 00:27:24.960
"Yeah." "Then what?"

521
00:27:25.040 --> 00:27:27.800
-"Kill 'em both, right?"

522
00:27:27.880 --> 00:27:30.400
"So kill all homosexuals?" "Exactly."

523
00:27:30.480 --> 00:27:31.600
"What, even lesbians?"

524
00:27:31.680 --> 00:27:34.520
-"No, not lesbians, right?"

525
00:27:34.600 --> 00:27:35.440
"Why?"

526
00:27:35.960 --> 00:27:37.320
"'Cause I like watching them."

527
00:27:50.080 --> 00:27:53.400
But all diseases let you down eventually,
not just AIDS. Um…

528
00:27:53.480 --> 00:27:55.600
After AIDS, it was SARS, wasn't it?

529
00:27:55.680 --> 00:27:58.000
Remember SARS?
"Ooh, gonna wipe out humanity."

530
00:27:58.080 --> 00:28:00.920
Didn't. Then, uh, Ebola,

531
00:28:01.000 --> 00:28:03.640
the flesh-eating disease.
"Ooh, Ebola's come to London!"

532
00:28:03.720 --> 00:28:06.600
Some nurse got hot for the weekend
and that was it, right?

533
00:28:07.120 --> 00:28:10.760
Then Zika virus. Remember those babies
born with half a head?

534
00:28:10.840 --> 00:28:12.520
"Zika virus!" "Don't worry about it."

535
00:28:12.600 --> 00:28:13.880
"Oh, I'm pregnant!"

536
00:28:13.960 --> 00:28:15.200
"Start knitting a hat."

537
00:28:15.280 --> 00:28:16.800
-You know?

538
00:28:19.600 --> 00:28:21.560
Talking of abortion, um…

539
00:28:23.640 --> 00:28:26.080
Now, I don't wanna divide the room,

540
00:28:26.160 --> 00:28:27.960
um, but I'm pro-choice.

541
00:28:28.040 --> 00:28:30.040
I don't think it's anything to do with me
or any man

542
00:28:30.120 --> 00:28:31.800
what a woman does with her body.

543
00:28:31.880 --> 00:28:33.000
-But on the--

544
00:28:33.080 --> 00:28:35.800
Thank you. On the flip side,
there are people who are anti-abortion.

545
00:28:35.880 --> 00:28:38.200
Not just people
who wouldn't have it for themselves.

546
00:28:38.280 --> 00:28:39.640
They want no one to have it.

547
00:28:39.720 --> 00:28:42.080
There's a small percentage
that are really militant.

548
00:28:42.160 --> 00:28:44.680
Of those, there's a small percentage
that are fucking--

549
00:28:44.760 --> 00:28:46.720
There's ones in America
that are like terrorists.

550
00:28:46.800 --> 00:28:49.400
They bomb abortion clinics,
put fetuses through your door,

551
00:28:49.480 --> 00:28:52.000
and they've got
this propaganda machine that goes,

552
00:28:52.080 --> 00:28:55.440
"Liberals, they're aborting babies
at nine months,

553
00:28:55.520 --> 00:28:57.760
pulling them out of the vagina,
liquidizing them."

554
00:28:57.840 --> 00:28:59.920
Like, crazy conspiracy theory, right?

555
00:29:00.000 --> 00:29:03.200
And now they've got the Internet.
So they've got fonts and memes.

556
00:29:03.280 --> 00:29:04.840
It's like science to them.

557
00:29:04.920 --> 00:29:07.480
And this thing goes round.
You've probably seen it.

558
00:29:07.560 --> 00:29:10.440
It goes…
I've heard different derivations of it,

559
00:29:10.520 --> 00:29:13.800
like, "This was a real lecture,"
or, "This was a real questionnaire."

560
00:29:13.880 --> 00:29:16.280
Nonsense. It's all made-up.
It goes like this.

561
00:29:16.360 --> 00:29:19.920
"A woman is pregnant.
She already has five children."

562
00:29:20.000 --> 00:29:22.000
"Two are deaf. Two are blind."

563
00:29:22.080 --> 00:29:23.920
"One is mentally retarded."

564
00:29:24.000 --> 00:29:26.880
"She has syphilis.
Should she have the baby?"

565
00:29:26.960 --> 00:29:28.200
"No?"

566
00:29:28.280 --> 00:29:30.720
"Well done. You've just killed Beethoven."

567
00:29:32.640 --> 00:29:36.600
What are you talking…
That makes no fucking sense at all.

568
00:29:36.680 --> 00:29:38.680
Okay, keep it fair.
Let's do the opposing…

569
00:29:38.760 --> 00:29:41.960
So, okay, there's another woman.
She's pregnant.

570
00:29:42.040 --> 00:29:44.680
Two children, great hearing,
great eyesight, really smart.

571
00:29:44.760 --> 00:29:47.160
She hasn't got syphilis.
Should she have the baby?

572
00:29:47.240 --> 00:29:48.400
Yes?

573
00:29:48.480 --> 00:29:50.680
Well done. You just gave birth to Hitler.

574
00:29:52.960 --> 00:29:57.320
Now, I don't wanna divide the room,
but I'm not a fan of Hitler.

575
00:29:57.400 --> 00:29:58.640
-Um…

576
00:29:58.720 --> 00:30:00.800
Hear me out. I've got my reasons.

577
00:30:00.880 --> 00:30:02.280
Listen, listen, listen.

578
00:30:03.800 --> 00:30:06.680
And it's sci-fi.
Whenever I see a sci-fi series,

579
00:30:06.760 --> 00:30:10.240
there's always one where they invent
a time machine and try and kill Hitler.

580
00:30:10.320 --> 00:30:12.920
And if they're successful,
they come back to the present,

581
00:30:13.000 --> 00:30:16.000
and it's worse 'cause they've mucked up
the time-space continuum.

582
00:30:16.080 --> 00:30:19.000
Of course it is.
You change the slightest thing in history,

583
00:30:19.080 --> 00:30:20.560
it has a catastrophic effect.

584
00:30:20.640 --> 00:30:23.200
I wouldn't change anything,
even if I could.

585
00:30:23.280 --> 00:30:25.840
My life's too good.
I can't take that chance.

586
00:30:25.920 --> 00:30:27.920
-Know what I mean?

587
00:30:28.000 --> 00:30:30.280
If scientists came to me
and went, "We've sorted it."

588
00:30:30.360 --> 00:30:33.240
"You don't have to go back in time.
Just press this button."

589
00:30:33.320 --> 00:30:36.480
"It kills Hitler before the Holocaust,
before the war."

590
00:30:36.560 --> 00:30:40.440
"The present is exactly the same,
except it makes you a bit more ginger,"

591
00:30:40.520 --> 00:30:41.720
I'd go, "No."

592
00:30:44.440 --> 00:30:45.760
"Why should I suffer?"

593
00:30:48.600 --> 00:30:50.640
But whenever you see
one of those fluff pieces,

594
00:30:50.720 --> 00:30:53.520
whenever they ask in one
of those questionnaires celebrities do,

595
00:30:53.600 --> 00:30:56.840
there's, "What's the first thing you'd do
if you had a time machine?"

596
00:30:56.920 --> 00:30:59.720
They all say,
"Oh, I'd go back and kill Hitler." Really?

597
00:30:59.800 --> 00:31:03.040
You'd go back and buy Microsoft shares,
you fucking liar, right?

598
00:31:04.160 --> 00:31:06.800
I've interviewed people
on my radio show in America,

599
00:31:06.880 --> 00:31:09.880
and I always ask that question
for a laugh, and they all say,

600
00:31:09.960 --> 00:31:11.840
"Oh, I'd go back and kill Hitler."

601
00:31:11.920 --> 00:31:13.640
I go, "People tried at the time."

602
00:31:13.720 --> 00:31:17.240
And now they say, "Oh no, I'd go back
and kill him when he was a baby."

603
00:31:17.320 --> 00:31:20.240
So you'd go back
and find baby Hitler, right,

604
00:31:21.240 --> 00:31:23.000
who hasn't done anything wrong yet,

605
00:31:23.640 --> 00:31:26.080
-and just strangle him?

606
00:31:26.160 --> 00:31:29.080
Also, have you seen Hitler
when he was a baby?

607
00:31:29.160 --> 00:31:32.200
Oh my God, absolutely adorable.

608
00:31:32.280 --> 00:31:33.320
Look at that.

609
00:31:34.680 --> 00:31:37.400
-Look at his little face!

610
00:31:37.480 --> 00:31:39.760
You'd go back,
and you'd go, "Is that Hitler?"

611
00:31:39.840 --> 00:31:43.520
"Yeah."
You'd go, "Oh, you little Nazi, you!"

612
00:31:45.240 --> 00:31:48.080
I know what you're thinking.
Why have I got a picture of…

613
00:31:50.640 --> 00:31:52.440
…baby Hitler on my phone?

614
00:31:52.520 --> 00:31:53.800
That's my business.

615
00:31:53.880 --> 00:31:55.480
-Um…

616
00:31:55.560 --> 00:31:57.320
What if I do masturbate over it?

617
00:31:57.400 --> 00:31:59.000
-What?

618
00:31:59.080 --> 00:32:01.120
What if that's the only thing
I masturbate over?

619
00:32:01.200 --> 00:32:03.000
There's no victim, no crime.

620
00:32:03.080 --> 00:32:05.680
You could call the police now,
have them come to my house,

621
00:32:05.760 --> 00:32:08.200
and they'd say,
"We heard you admitted you're a nonce."

622
00:32:08.280 --> 00:32:12.080
I'd go, "Yeah, but only for pictures
of dead baby Hitler," right?

623
00:32:12.160 --> 00:32:15.680
I'd go, "Check the rule book."
And they'd go, "Yeah, good as gold."

624
00:32:15.760 --> 00:32:17.200
-Right.

625
00:32:17.800 --> 00:32:20.720
"Do you wanna see where I masturbate?"
"Yeah, go on."

626
00:32:20.800 --> 00:32:23.720
So I take them down
to the wanktorium, right?

627
00:32:23.800 --> 00:32:27.240
-It's basically a converted wine cellar.

628
00:32:27.320 --> 00:32:30.240
But it's that picture
blown up 100 times, right,

629
00:32:30.320 --> 00:32:34.520
just around the walls, like that,
dripping with 40 years of come.

630
00:32:36.040 --> 00:32:38.400
I've only lived there five years,
so I don't know…

631
00:32:40.560 --> 00:32:42.000
That won't be in. Um…

632
00:32:44.880 --> 00:32:47.880
No, but, uh, people do
have a problem with Hitler. Um…

633
00:32:50.160 --> 00:32:53.240
They wanna go back and kill him,
and I say, "Chill."

634
00:32:53.320 --> 00:32:56.760
"Hitler is the man
who killed Hitler, in't he?"

635
00:32:57.280 --> 00:32:58.360
Give him his due.

636
00:32:58.960 --> 00:33:01.960
Due. D-U-E.

637
00:33:04.680 --> 00:33:06.560
I don't worry about dying. Um…

638
00:33:06.640 --> 00:33:09.560
Or I don't worry about being dead
'cause I won't know about it.

639
00:33:09.640 --> 00:33:12.280
That is the best thing about being dead.
You don't know about it.

640
00:33:12.360 --> 00:33:14.560
It's the same as being stupid, right?

641
00:33:14.640 --> 00:33:17.520
-It's only painful for others, right?

642
00:33:18.120 --> 00:33:21.560
I worry about how I die.
I don't wanna die alone in agony,

643
00:33:21.640 --> 00:33:24.920
or I don't wanna be found
in a wardrobe hanging by a belt,

644
00:33:25.000 --> 00:33:26.920
wearing ladies' tights,

645
00:33:27.520 --> 00:33:29.480
covered in amyl nitrate, know what I mean?

646
00:33:29.560 --> 00:33:32.680
I'm not into that shit,
so if I am found like that,

647
00:33:32.760 --> 00:33:35.600
just know that one of my mates
has stitched me up, right?

648
00:33:38.200 --> 00:33:40.200
I don't worry about dying.

649
00:33:40.280 --> 00:33:43.480
I don't do anything towards <i>not </i>dying,
if you know what I mean.

650
00:33:43.560 --> 00:33:46.200
I eat and drink too much every day,
have done for 40 years.

651
00:33:46.280 --> 00:33:47.880
Day and night, I eat and drink too much.

652
00:33:47.960 --> 00:33:50.920
People say to me,
"Rick, if you gave up the booze,

653
00:33:51.000 --> 00:33:52.360
you'd live an extra ten years."

654
00:33:52.440 --> 00:33:55.240
I go, "But they're the last ten years,
the shit ten years."

655
00:33:55.320 --> 00:33:56.960
I don't want them, right?

656
00:33:57.040 --> 00:33:59.640
If I gave up booze now and I made it to 80

657
00:33:59.720 --> 00:34:01.720
and someone said,
"You can have an extra ten years,"

658
00:34:01.800 --> 00:34:04.800
if I could go,
"Oh, great, I'll have 20 to 30 again,"

659
00:34:04.880 --> 00:34:08.240
that'd be perfect,
but, no, you gotta have 80 to 90.

660
00:34:08.760 --> 00:34:12.480
Have you any idea
how awful it is being 90, right?

661
00:34:12.560 --> 00:34:15.160
I've seen 90-year-olds
sitting in an armchair,

662
00:34:15.240 --> 00:34:17.320
and they go, "Argh!" And you go, "What?"

663
00:34:17.400 --> 00:34:20.280
They go,
"I've broken every bone in my body!"

664
00:34:20.360 --> 00:34:23.560
'Cause they're brittle.
They've got dust for blood.

665
00:34:23.640 --> 00:34:25.200
They bruise up blood clots.

666
00:34:25.280 --> 00:34:28.200
They got hernias
popping out everywhere, right?

667
00:34:28.280 --> 00:34:31.680
If you're 90 years old
and you get to the kitchen by yourself

668
00:34:31.760 --> 00:34:34.960
to make a cup of tea,
if you lift that kettle and it's too full,

669
00:34:35.040 --> 00:34:38.640
there's a very good chance
your stomach'll come out of your arsehole.

670
00:34:41.680 --> 00:34:47.360
So eat and drink as much as you want
and just fucking die is my advice.

671
00:34:47.440 --> 00:34:49.760
-Thank you.

672
00:34:52.400 --> 00:34:55.280
I should say I'm <i>not </i>a doctor.

673
00:34:57.000 --> 00:35:00.120
I do see a doctor
once a year or once every two years.

674
00:35:00.200 --> 00:35:03.560
I have to have medicals
for things like this and TV shows,

675
00:35:03.640 --> 00:35:05.600
and, uh, I go private, right?

676
00:35:05.680 --> 00:35:09.000
It's 600 quid. It's three hours long.
But they do everything.

677
00:35:09.080 --> 00:35:12.640
Blood sample, stool sample, urine sample,

678
00:35:12.720 --> 00:35:14.960
ECG, ears, nose, throat,

679
00:35:15.040 --> 00:35:18.120
bollocks, the finger. Everything, right?

680
00:35:18.200 --> 00:35:21.800
And you have to fill out
this big form, write a lifestyle thing.

681
00:35:21.880 --> 00:35:23.440
That takes fucking ages.

682
00:35:23.520 --> 00:35:27.040
I tell the truth, except units of alcohol.

683
00:35:27.120 --> 00:35:28.880
I work those out,

684
00:35:28.960 --> 00:35:31.360
-then I halve them, right?

685
00:35:31.440 --> 00:35:33.680
And when he gets to those,
he still goes,

686
00:35:33.760 --> 00:35:35.800
-"That's an awful lot."

687
00:35:35.880 --> 00:35:38.200
And I think I've won. I go, "Is it?"

688
00:35:40.360 --> 00:35:42.600
And, uh, at the end of the three hours,

689
00:35:42.680 --> 00:35:44.760
they've got all the results
back from the lab,

690
00:35:44.840 --> 00:35:48.640
and he's got this big computer…
It's like body composition.

691
00:35:48.720 --> 00:35:52.520
And from there, they work out
your percentage chance of a stroke,

692
00:35:52.600 --> 00:35:54.920
heart attack in one year,
five years, ten years,

693
00:35:55.000 --> 00:35:56.840
and mine's always about the same.

694
00:35:56.920 --> 00:35:59.760
It always gets worse with age.
Nothing you can do about that.

695
00:35:59.840 --> 00:36:03.240
But I'm always like…
I'm at the end of healthy weight.

696
00:36:03.320 --> 00:36:06.400
I'm just nearly obese.
I'm just right, oh, like that.

697
00:36:06.480 --> 00:36:09.160
I was prediabetic once.
I had to sort that out.

698
00:36:09.240 --> 00:36:11.720
And now I'm pre-gout, right?

699
00:36:12.880 --> 00:36:14.080
Pre-gout, right?

700
00:36:14.160 --> 00:36:17.800
And so he tells you all that and goes,
"So, what are we gonna do about this?"

701
00:36:17.880 --> 00:36:20.160
And I wanna go, "What do you mean, 'we'?"

702
00:36:20.240 --> 00:36:23.120
"I've just made you
600 quid, mate, right?"

703
00:36:24.280 --> 00:36:26.800
"You're gonna fix it,
and I'm gonna carry on."

704
00:36:27.400 --> 00:36:30.320
You don't take a car to the garage
and he goes, "Tires are bald."

705
00:36:30.400 --> 00:36:32.000
"Big end's gone. What are we gonna do?"

706
00:36:32.080 --> 00:36:34.640
"You're gonna fix it, mate,
and I'm gonna pay you."

707
00:36:36.680 --> 00:36:39.120
He went,
"You need more fiber in your diet."

708
00:36:39.200 --> 00:36:42.160
I wanted to go,
"Get me wine with fiber in it, then."

709
00:36:42.760 --> 00:36:46.520
"I can afford anything.
You must be able to invent that."

710
00:36:47.960 --> 00:36:49.880
He said, "You're heavily constipated."

711
00:36:49.960 --> 00:36:52.280
I wanted to go,
"Get in there with a spoon, son."

712
00:36:59.600 --> 00:37:03.120
And then they always leave it
right to the end. They don't even look up.

713
00:37:03.200 --> 00:37:05.840
They go,
"And can I give you a rectal exam?"

714
00:37:06.400 --> 00:37:08.640
Which means I have to go, "Yes, please."

715
00:37:08.720 --> 00:37:11.800
I just--
I want them to surprise me on the way out.

716
00:37:11.880 --> 00:37:12.720
"Bye." "Bye."

717
00:37:12.800 --> 00:37:15.440
-"And that's fine." "Thank you."

718
00:37:15.520 --> 00:37:18.240
But there's a big build-up.
And as they're washing their hands,

719
00:37:18.320 --> 00:37:21.160
they've gotta say,
"Oh, um, would you like a chaperone?"

720
00:37:21.240 --> 00:37:24.040
So you're gonna have
your finger up my arse,

721
00:37:24.120 --> 00:37:26.720
and now you got a mate watching?
No, just do it.

722
00:37:29.040 --> 00:37:32.160
And they lay you on this bench,
on your back to start with,

723
00:37:32.240 --> 00:37:36.320
pants and trousers round your ankles,
knees apart like a little frog.

724
00:37:36.400 --> 00:37:39.240
-And they do the balls first, right.

725
00:37:39.320 --> 00:37:42.080
And I'm nervous at a doctor,
I'm really nervous,

726
00:37:42.160 --> 00:37:44.680
-so I've got no balls, right?

727
00:37:44.760 --> 00:37:48.120
He has to dig them out
like a tortoise's head, know what I mean?

728
00:37:48.200 --> 00:37:52.000
It's just like a little fist of fear
down there. It's…

729
00:37:52.840 --> 00:37:55.840
And I fucking hate it. I go…

730
00:37:55.920 --> 00:37:57.720
-Like that, right?

731
00:37:57.800 --> 00:37:59.960
I still… It's horrible, right?

732
00:38:00.040 --> 00:38:02.640
And then they turn you on the side
and lube you up

733
00:38:02.720 --> 00:38:04.720
and go… the finger up the arse.
That's great.

734
00:38:04.800 --> 00:38:07.800
-Not great. That's not why I go, but…

735
00:38:07.880 --> 00:38:10.880
"Me again."
"You were here yesterday." "Come on."

736
00:38:12.520 --> 00:38:15.720
But this one time, it was an old man, and…

737
00:38:15.800 --> 00:38:19.040
It was still a doctor,
not just an old man.

738
00:38:20.040 --> 00:38:23.360
"Doctor said he couldn't make it,
so I thought I'd… I'd have a go."

739
00:38:24.560 --> 00:38:26.720
There was a sort of, like, old-school GP.

740
00:38:26.800 --> 00:38:29.880
He was about 75,
little shirt and tie, tweed jacket.

741
00:38:29.960 --> 00:38:33.920
And he was sitting on an armchair,
and he didn't put me on the bench.

742
00:38:34.000 --> 00:38:37.600
I was just standing up, and he went,
"Just pop your pants and trousers down."

743
00:38:37.680 --> 00:38:39.000
So I just…

744
00:38:39.080 --> 00:38:42.720
So he was little--
So he was head-height to my balls,

745
00:38:42.800 --> 00:38:46.280
and, as I say, I'm nervous at the doctor,

746
00:38:46.360 --> 00:38:47.760
so I jabber. I talk.

747
00:38:47.840 --> 00:38:51.240
I think, "If I put 'em off,
they won't find the cancer."

748
00:38:51.840 --> 00:38:53.840
And so he started doing the balls,

749
00:38:53.920 --> 00:38:56.640
and I went,
"What are you looking for there, exactly?"

750
00:38:56.720 --> 00:38:58.920
And they usually go, "Shush," and they go…

751
00:38:59.000 --> 00:39:01.240
And he didn't.
He went, "That's a good question."

752
00:39:01.320 --> 00:39:05.040
And he sat back, and he started
telling me all about cancer.

753
00:39:05.680 --> 00:39:08.160
So now I'm just having a chat, right?

754
00:39:10.080 --> 00:39:13.320
And he went on for ages.
He was loving it, right?

755
00:39:13.400 --> 00:39:16.320
And I remember it felt rude to do that,

756
00:39:16.400 --> 00:39:18.640
so I was going, "Oh, right, right."

757
00:39:29.200 --> 00:39:30.480
I do work out a bit.

758
00:39:30.560 --> 00:39:35.640
Um, I actually joined a gym,
literally on my road, I discovered.

759
00:39:35.720 --> 00:39:38.760
I've got a gym in my house.
I got bored with that. I, uh…

760
00:39:38.840 --> 00:39:43.160
But I thought, "If I join the gym,
if I pay a year in advance,

761
00:39:43.240 --> 00:39:45.640
I'll try and get value for money.
That'll make me go."

762
00:39:45.720 --> 00:39:48.200
Then I remembered,
"Oh, I'm fucking rich. It doesn't…"

763
00:39:49.400 --> 00:39:51.800
I could join a different gym
every day for a laugh.

764
00:39:51.880 --> 00:39:54.520
Just go along and go,
"There's £2,000." "See you tomorrow."

765
00:39:54.600 --> 00:39:55.880
"You'll never see me again."

766
00:39:58.280 --> 00:40:01.320
And, uh, I go about once a month,

767
00:40:01.400 --> 00:40:03.680
and I sort of do
ten minutes on the machines,

768
00:40:03.760 --> 00:40:05.240
and I run home, like that.

769
00:40:05.320 --> 00:40:06.880
I don't use the changing rooms.

770
00:40:06.960 --> 00:40:09.040
I've got a thing
about public changing rooms.

771
00:40:09.120 --> 00:40:11.240
I always have, and I'll tell you why.

772
00:40:11.320 --> 00:40:13.640
I don't know if it's the same
in ladies' changing rooms,

773
00:40:13.720 --> 00:40:16.440
but men are so proud
of their offal, right?

774
00:40:16.520 --> 00:40:19.720
If I'm in a public place,
I have a shower, one minute,

775
00:40:19.800 --> 00:40:22.320
towel, corner, pants on, right?

776
00:40:22.840 --> 00:40:26.120
There's blokes walking around naked
before the shower, talking.

777
00:40:26.200 --> 00:40:27.800
"How you doing?" After the shower.

778
00:40:27.880 --> 00:40:30.000
There was one bloke
in the shower way too long.

779
00:40:30.080 --> 00:40:31.400
He took ages, right?

780
00:40:31.480 --> 00:40:34.480
And he got out,
no towel, just dripping wet,

781
00:40:34.560 --> 00:40:38.600
just went up to the mirror
and started doing his hair first.

782
00:40:40.400 --> 00:40:43.960
There was me and this really fat bloke
once in the changing room.

783
00:40:44.040 --> 00:40:46.120
I was getting changed,
and he was really big.

784
00:40:46.200 --> 00:40:48.360
Like, 350 pounds, right?

785
00:40:48.440 --> 00:40:52.040
And he was naked
on one of those precision scales.

786
00:40:52.120 --> 00:40:55.720
And he was there
for fucking ages like that, and I was…

787
00:40:55.800 --> 00:40:57.560
He was like that for ages.

788
00:40:57.640 --> 00:41:01.760
I wanted to run over and go,
"Mate, you'll never be an astronaut."

789
00:41:01.840 --> 00:41:04.120
-"It doesn't need to be this accurate.

790
00:41:04.200 --> 00:41:07.000
"Just pop some pants on
and take a fucking gram off."

791
00:41:07.080 --> 00:41:09.600
I'm not having a go at fat people.
As I say, I'm fat.

792
00:41:09.680 --> 00:41:12.280
I'm overweight. Know why?
'Cause I eat and drink too much.

793
00:41:12.360 --> 00:41:14.400
That's what does it.
I don't judge fat people.

794
00:41:14.480 --> 00:41:16.840
I just know how they got fat.
If I see a fat person,

795
00:41:16.920 --> 00:41:18.920
I go, "Well done," you know?

796
00:41:19.520 --> 00:41:23.120
"You've eaten way more
than you'll ever need, same as me," right?

797
00:41:23.200 --> 00:41:26.760
If I see a fat couple,
I go, "Yeah, that works," right?

798
00:41:26.840 --> 00:41:30.160
But then as they're walking along
and you see their little fat toddlers

799
00:41:30.240 --> 00:41:32.320
and you go, "Aw, that's not fair," right?

800
00:41:33.600 --> 00:41:35.560
And the mother always goes,
"They love cake."

801
00:41:35.640 --> 00:41:37.600
'Course they love cake!

802
00:41:37.680 --> 00:41:39.760
They're baby mammals.

803
00:41:39.840 --> 00:41:43.040
We're the same species
as we were, like, 200,000 years ago.

804
00:41:43.120 --> 00:41:45.280
We've got a hunter-gatherer brain, right?

805
00:41:45.360 --> 00:41:48.640
All this affluence
is so much faster than our human biology.

806
00:41:48.720 --> 00:41:51.440
So when you get
one of those cakes from the supermarket

807
00:41:51.520 --> 00:41:53.520
that's packed with fats and sugar,

808
00:41:53.600 --> 00:41:55.920
your brain goes,
"Fucking hell, that's amazing!"

809
00:41:56.000 --> 00:41:58.000
"Keep eating that.
There might not be food tomorrow."

810
00:41:58.080 --> 00:41:59.760
But there <i>will </i>be food tomorrow.

811
00:41:59.840 --> 00:42:03.240
The fridge is full, and your mum's
on the phone to Ocado. Know what I mean?

812
00:42:04.640 --> 00:42:06.280
Now there's even a stigma.

813
00:42:06.360 --> 00:42:09.360
Doctors get in trouble for saying
to someone, "You're overweight."

814
00:42:09.440 --> 00:42:10.800
No, that's a political--

815
00:42:10.880 --> 00:42:14.480
No, it's like fat shaming.
You don't get cancer shaming.

816
00:42:14.560 --> 00:42:16.200
He's trying to save your life.

817
00:42:16.280 --> 00:42:19.360
There was a school
that tried to ban the word "obese"

818
00:42:19.440 --> 00:42:22.840
'cause they said it was derogatory to…
I don't know what to call 'em.

819
00:42:22.920 --> 00:42:24.640
-Um…

820
00:42:24.720 --> 00:42:27.480
-Round children, right?

821
00:42:27.560 --> 00:42:29.240
But that's the polite word.

822
00:42:29.320 --> 00:42:32.560
That's the word we invented
so we didn't say "fat little fucker."

823
00:42:32.640 --> 00:42:36.640
Don't… Don't keep changing words
'cause one person gets offended.

824
00:42:36.720 --> 00:42:39.320
Also, fat people
aren't offended by the word "obese."

825
00:42:39.400 --> 00:42:41.680
They did it all.
They're jolly, aren't they?

826
00:42:41.760 --> 00:42:44.920
They're jolly. You see a fat boy,
you go, "All right, fatty?"

827
00:42:45.000 --> 00:42:47.600
-"Yeah, yeah, yeah!"

828
00:42:47.680 --> 00:42:49.360
"Oh yeah!"

829
00:42:49.440 --> 00:42:50.360
Blop, blop, blop.

830
00:42:50.440 --> 00:42:52.560
"Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah!"

831
00:42:52.640 --> 00:42:54.680
And they go to the doctor.
"Come in."

832
00:42:54.760 --> 00:42:56.880
Blop.

833
00:42:56.960 --> 00:42:58.280
Doctor goes, "Fuck me."

834
00:42:58.360 --> 00:43:00.120
Oh.

835
00:43:00.200 --> 00:43:01.160
"Am I obese?"

836
00:43:02.400 --> 00:43:03.800
"No, you're morbidly obese."

837
00:43:05.960 --> 00:43:07.720
"What does that mean?"

838
00:43:07.800 --> 00:43:09.640
"Means you'll die of it." "Oh, does it?"

839
00:43:09.720 --> 00:43:10.720
"All right."

840
00:43:12.160 --> 00:43:13.720
"What, straight away, or…"

841
00:43:13.800 --> 00:43:17.440
"No, you've got diabetes,
so you'll have your legs amputated soon."

842
00:43:17.520 --> 00:43:23.520
"And if you carry on, you'll die later
of stroke and respiratory, heart failure."

843
00:43:23.600 --> 00:43:24.640
"Oh, right."

844
00:43:25.840 --> 00:43:27.480
"Is there anything I can do?"

845
00:43:27.560 --> 00:43:30.240
"Of course.
Start working out and eat healthy."

846
00:43:30.320 --> 00:43:32.680
"You'll be right as rain." "Oh, right."

847
00:43:32.760 --> 00:43:34.040
"But you won't, will ya?"

848
00:43:36.400 --> 00:43:38.160
"No. No."

849
00:43:38.240 --> 00:43:40.280
I feel sorry for them,
even though it's their fault.

850
00:43:40.360 --> 00:43:42.560
When you see
one of those documentaries on telly,

851
00:43:42.640 --> 00:43:44.680
like <i>The 600 Pound Man </i>or summat,

852
00:43:44.760 --> 00:43:48.600
and he's being winched out of his house
to go to hospital, right?

853
00:43:48.680 --> 00:43:51.200
If you're dangling from a crane, right…

854
00:43:52.880 --> 00:43:54.000
Right?

855
00:43:57.240 --> 00:44:00.200
And you see a film crew, right…

856
00:44:03.080 --> 00:44:04.800
…you know you fucked it.

857
00:44:10.440 --> 00:44:14.560
And then, you know, as I say,
they wake up the next day.

858
00:44:14.640 --> 00:44:16.120
They've had their legs amputated.

859
00:44:16.200 --> 00:44:18.840
It's really sad,
and they're crying, and I'm crying.

860
00:44:18.920 --> 00:44:22.320
They're going, "Why did I let it
go this far? I'm so stupid."

861
00:44:22.400 --> 00:44:24.080
Then they get philosophical about it,

862
00:44:24.160 --> 00:44:27.280
and they go,
"I never really used the legs, so…"

863
00:44:28.880 --> 00:44:31.760
-And by then, it's lunchtime, and so…

864
00:44:31.840 --> 00:44:35.160
And they go to the nurse,
"Didn't throw them legs away, did you?"

865
00:44:45.720 --> 00:44:49.520
Guys, do you ever act
more working class around builders?

866
00:44:50.880 --> 00:44:54.600
I do. I can be walking around
leafy Hampstead, right.

867
00:44:54.680 --> 00:44:57.280
-Book of poems, right.

868
00:44:57.360 --> 00:44:59.280
-Scarf, right.

869
00:44:59.360 --> 00:45:02.120
-Just humming Brahms, right.

870
00:45:02.200 --> 00:45:05.880
And some scaffolders go, "Ricky!"
"All right, cunts! How you doin', boys?"

871
00:45:05.960 --> 00:45:08.240
-And I don't know why I do it.

872
00:45:08.320 --> 00:45:12.080
I don't know why…
why I try and impress them.

873
00:45:13.080 --> 00:45:16.200
I've always been fascinated
with human behavior, right?

874
00:45:16.280 --> 00:45:17.720
But as I said at the beginning,

875
00:45:17.800 --> 00:45:21.160
we're the only species that allows
the universe to understand itself.

876
00:45:21.240 --> 00:45:25.560
But we see all nature through our eyes,
so it all comes back to us.

877
00:45:25.640 --> 00:45:29.960
Why are we here? What makes us?
Is it our genetics or the environment?

878
00:45:30.040 --> 00:45:31.840
The old nature versus nurture argument.

879
00:45:31.920 --> 00:45:35.680
The psychologist Piaget was once asked,

880
00:45:35.760 --> 00:45:39.320
"What's more important for the intellect
of a person? Nature or nurture?"

881
00:45:39.400 --> 00:45:42.800
And he replied, "What's more important
for the area of a field?"

882
00:45:42.880 --> 00:45:44.560
"Length or width?"

883
00:45:44.640 --> 00:45:46.960
All right, if you don't know the answer,
just fucking…

884
00:45:51.040 --> 00:45:55.880
But psychology, psychiatry,
neuroscience, it's still in its infancy,

885
00:45:55.960 --> 00:45:58.600
and we still know
so little about the brain.

886
00:45:58.680 --> 00:46:02.840
And 150 years ago, we knew nothing.
It was just… It was all guesswork, right?

887
00:46:02.920 --> 00:46:05.240
And, uh, like, everything was just mental.

888
00:46:05.320 --> 00:46:09.840
If you weren't a white, heterosexual,
married, Christian man, right,

889
00:46:09.920 --> 00:46:12.200
if you deviated too far, "Mental."

890
00:46:12.280 --> 00:46:16.160
They just went, "Mental," like that.
Homosexuality? "Mental. Mental illness."

891
00:46:16.240 --> 00:46:18.840
You were put in an asylum for life,
or worse, tortured.

892
00:46:18.920 --> 00:46:22.080
Women who fell pregnant
out of wedlock, "Mental."

893
00:46:22.160 --> 00:46:23.800
Asylum for life, right?

894
00:46:23.880 --> 00:46:26.960
And now we understand things more.
We're more tolerant. We're…

895
00:46:27.640 --> 00:46:30.160
I think it's going too far
the other way, though,

896
00:46:30.240 --> 00:46:34.240
because now <i>nothing's </i>mental.
You can't find summat that someone's…

897
00:46:34.320 --> 00:46:36.280
Nothing is considered mental.

898
00:46:36.360 --> 00:46:41.360
Everything is a syndrome
or an addiction or a preference, right?

899
00:46:41.440 --> 00:46:44.400
I could have my legs removed,
have wheels put on,

900
00:46:44.480 --> 00:46:46.640
identify as a pram, right…

901
00:46:49.080 --> 00:46:52.080
And if you say I'm mental,
you're a bigot, right?

902
00:46:53.720 --> 00:46:56.040
That's a bit hack,
that joke, now, isn't it?

903
00:46:56.120 --> 00:46:58.880
"Identify as a thing, then."
It's a bit old-fashioned,

904
00:46:58.960 --> 00:47:02.360
but I'm gonna leave it in
to annoy people, right?

905
00:47:02.440 --> 00:47:05.000
Because that's the bit
that'll offend people.

906
00:47:05.080 --> 00:47:06.480
Same as humanity.

907
00:47:06.560 --> 00:47:09.840
I talk about AIDS, famine,
cancer, the Holocaust,

908
00:47:09.920 --> 00:47:11.280
rape, pedophilia,

909
00:47:11.360 --> 00:47:14.360
but the one thing you mustn't joke about
is identity politics.

910
00:47:14.440 --> 00:47:17.440
The one thing you should never joke about
is the trans issue.

911
00:47:17.520 --> 00:47:19.240
"They just wanna be treated equally."

912
00:47:19.320 --> 00:47:21.560
I agree. That's why I include them.

913
00:47:22.960 --> 00:47:24.120
You know?

914
00:47:29.120 --> 00:47:31.560
But they know
I'm joking about all the other stuff,

915
00:47:31.640 --> 00:47:34.440
but they go,
"No, he must mean that," right?

916
00:47:34.520 --> 00:47:38.000
Like a joke is a window
to the comedian's true soul.

917
00:47:38.080 --> 00:47:40.080
It's just… That's just not the case.

918
00:47:40.160 --> 00:47:43.520
I'll take on any view
to make the joke funniest.

919
00:47:43.600 --> 00:47:46.400
I'll pretend to be right wing.
I'll pretend to be left wing.

920
00:47:46.480 --> 00:47:49.120
I'll pretend to be clever.
I'll pretend to be stupid.

921
00:47:49.200 --> 00:47:51.640
Whatever makes the joke funnier,
without prejudice.

922
00:47:51.720 --> 00:47:53.160
Okay, full disclosure.

923
00:47:53.240 --> 00:47:55.560
In real life,
of course I support trans rights.

924
00:47:55.640 --> 00:47:59.000
I support all human rights,
and trans rights are human rights.

925
00:47:59.080 --> 00:48:02.760
Live your best life.
Use your preferred pronouns.

926
00:48:02.840 --> 00:48:05.200
Be the gender that you feel that you are.

927
00:48:05.280 --> 00:48:08.480
But meet me halfway, ladies.
Lose the cock. That's all I'm saying.

928
00:48:12.240 --> 00:48:13.280
That's all--

929
00:48:17.400 --> 00:48:20.920
And it's mad to think joking
about summat means you're anti-it.

930
00:48:21.000 --> 00:48:22.960
Like, I made a joke about self-ID.

931
00:48:23.040 --> 00:48:26.600
In fact, I wish self-ID
had been around when I was a kid.

932
00:48:26.680 --> 00:48:28.360
I'd have used it to get shit.

933
00:48:28.440 --> 00:48:29.720
I'd have gone to my mum.

934
00:48:29.800 --> 00:48:32.560
"Mum, I'm trans." She'd have gone, "What?"

935
00:48:32.640 --> 00:48:35.840
I'd have gone,
"I'm either trans or I need a new bike."

936
00:48:37.560 --> 00:48:39.920
She'd have gone, "You need a new bike."

937
00:48:40.440 --> 00:48:43.160
-I'd have gone, "You're the boss."

938
00:48:46.840 --> 00:48:49.920
But I, uh… I grew up in the '60s. Jesus.

939
00:48:51.120 --> 00:48:54.520
I had, like, Victorian parents.
We hadn't heard of any of this.

940
00:48:54.600 --> 00:48:56.520
But what if I was a teenager now

941
00:48:56.600 --> 00:48:59.160
in these really woke,
progressive times, right,

942
00:48:59.680 --> 00:49:02.960
and I had really cool,
hippie parents, right,

943
00:49:03.040 --> 00:49:05.160
and I went, "Mother, Father, I'm trans"?

944
00:49:05.240 --> 00:49:07.800
They'd go,
"Oh goody, that's so fucking trendy."

945
00:49:09.120 --> 00:49:11.320
And my dad would go,
"Bagsy I pick the vagina."

946
00:49:11.400 --> 00:49:13.400
I'd go, "Thank you, Daddy," right?

947
00:49:13.480 --> 00:49:15.680
-Pfft. Right?

948
00:49:16.360 --> 00:49:18.600
Then there'd be a montage,
and I'd go to hospital.

949
00:49:18.680 --> 00:49:20.840
I'd have all the electrolysis.
I'd grow my hair.

950
00:49:20.920 --> 00:49:23.200
I'd have… I'd have a big fanny, I think.

951
00:49:23.280 --> 00:49:27.000
No. No, if someone else is paying,
I'll have the big one. Know what I mean?

952
00:49:27.080 --> 00:49:30.560
"Dad trying to buy me with minge.
Fuck you, Dad." Right?

953
00:49:30.640 --> 00:49:34.040
Big fanny, boobs, right, and, uh… Pfft.

954
00:49:34.120 --> 00:49:36.440
-Right? -

955
00:49:36.520 --> 00:49:39.440
No, I'd… I'd come out, and I'd emerge.

956
00:49:39.520 --> 00:49:41.760
I'd be a real woman. I'd be Vicky Gervais.

957
00:49:41.840 --> 00:49:44.360
-I'd be Vicky Gervais, right?

958
00:49:44.440 --> 00:49:46.640
Yeah. No, I'd be a real woman, right?

959
00:49:46.720 --> 00:49:50.960
And you can't change your sexuality,
so I find women attractive, so I'd be…

960
00:49:51.040 --> 00:49:52.000
I'd be a lesbian.

961
00:49:52.080 --> 00:49:56.440
I'd be a little lesbian fella
called, um, Vicky Gervais, right?

962
00:49:56.520 --> 00:50:00.760
Right? And I'd probably be a butch lesbian
'cause of all the testosterone till then.

963
00:50:00.840 --> 00:50:02.400
Also, I like the fashion.

964
00:50:02.480 --> 00:50:03.960
Jeans, black T-shirt,

965
00:50:04.040 --> 00:50:05.520
short hair,

966
00:50:05.600 --> 00:50:06.440
beard!

967
00:50:06.520 --> 00:50:07.360
No, I'd be…

968
00:50:07.440 --> 00:50:09.960
No, I'd be a real lesbian
called Vicky Gervais,

969
00:50:10.040 --> 00:50:11.360
lesbian about town, right?

970
00:50:11.440 --> 00:50:14.160
And so, I'd, uh…
I'd go down to Brighton, right,

971
00:50:14.240 --> 00:50:18.000
and, uh, I'd go into a lesbian bar, right,

972
00:50:18.080 --> 00:50:19.360
and I'd go, "Hi."

973
00:50:19.440 --> 00:50:22.880
Pool table. Winner stays on.
I'd be there all fucking night. Voom.

974
00:50:22.960 --> 00:50:24.960
-Right?

975
00:50:26.120 --> 00:50:27.120
All right.

976
00:50:28.280 --> 00:50:32.120
This joke isn't worth it
for the punchline. The punchline is shit.

977
00:50:32.200 --> 00:50:34.320
So just enjoy the journey, right?

978
00:50:34.400 --> 00:50:38.440
Anyway, so I look around,
and I find one of those pretty lesbians.

979
00:50:39.840 --> 00:50:42.840
This is so childish
and misinformed, it hurts.

980
00:50:42.920 --> 00:50:45.200
I'm gonna leave it in though. Right, so…

981
00:50:45.280 --> 00:50:47.640
No, I'd find a pretty lesbian. I'd…

982
00:50:50.280 --> 00:50:52.000
This is pathetic, right?

983
00:50:52.080 --> 00:50:53.280
Even for me.

984
00:50:53.360 --> 00:50:55.760
I can't do this
with a fucking straight face!

985
00:50:55.840 --> 00:50:57.840
Right, right, right…

986
00:50:59.240 --> 00:51:01.000
And I'd go over like that.

987
00:51:01.080 --> 00:51:04.400
I'd go, "Hi. Are you a lesbian?"
She'd go, "Yeah. Are you a lesbian?"

988
00:51:04.480 --> 00:51:06.400
I'd go, "Yeah, just a bit. Look at that."

989
00:51:08.040 --> 00:51:11.280
She'd go, "That is a lovely fanny."
I'd go, "Fucking cost enough."

990
00:51:11.360 --> 00:51:12.880
She'd go, "What?" "Nothing."

991
00:51:12.960 --> 00:51:15.200
And then I'd be wooing her, right?

992
00:51:15.280 --> 00:51:16.560
I'd be doing all the…

993
00:51:18.960 --> 00:51:21.280
I'd be complimenting her
on her lezzie ways.

994
00:51:21.360 --> 00:51:23.080
-I'd go, uh…

995
00:51:23.160 --> 00:51:25.880
I'd go, "Oh,"
I'd go, "I love your Doc Martens," right?

996
00:51:25.960 --> 00:51:27.360
She'd go, "Oh, thanks."

997
00:51:27.440 --> 00:51:29.320
-Pfft. Right?

998
00:51:29.400 --> 00:51:31.840
Pfft.

999
00:51:33.480 --> 00:51:36.480
I'd go, "Oh, those are big earrings."
"Yeah." Right?

1000
00:51:36.560 --> 00:51:38.960
Then she'd go, "Wanna come back
to my place and lez off?"

1001
00:51:39.040 --> 00:51:40.440
I'd go, "Yeah, just a bit."

1002
00:51:40.520 --> 00:51:43.080
So we go back. We get naked.

1003
00:51:43.160 --> 00:51:45.440
-I boob her up. I don't know what…

1004
00:51:45.520 --> 00:51:48.400
Minge her off? I'd do that one.
I'd do that one.

1005
00:51:48.480 --> 00:51:50.440
Definitely do that one, right?

1006
00:51:50.520 --> 00:51:52.960
I'd google it.
I'd fucking google it, right?

1007
00:51:53.040 --> 00:51:54.280
And I'd… Right.

1008
00:51:54.360 --> 00:51:57.640
She'd go, "You wanna wear a strap-on dildo
and give me a good seeing to?"

1009
00:51:57.720 --> 00:52:00.120
I'd go, "Yeah." So I'd put a strap-on on.

1010
00:52:00.200 --> 00:52:02.800
I'd put the big dildo there
on my new fanny like that

1011
00:52:02.880 --> 00:52:04.240
and tie it at the back.

1012
00:52:05.040 --> 00:52:06.680
And that's when I'd kick myself.

1013
00:52:14.680 --> 00:52:17.280
I told you it was shit, didn't I tell you?

1014
00:52:19.280 --> 00:52:20.640
Oh God.

1015
00:52:22.560 --> 00:52:23.800
Oh.

1016
00:52:24.400 --> 00:52:29.320
But one thing that isn't ambiguous
whether it's nature or nurture is racism.

1017
00:52:29.400 --> 00:52:33.000
No one's born racist.
You've gotta learn that shit, okay?

1018
00:52:33.080 --> 00:52:37.680
And, okay, I don't wanna divide the room.
I'm not a fan of racism. Um…

1019
00:52:37.760 --> 00:52:39.840
No, hear me out, right? I…

1020
00:52:40.360 --> 00:52:44.000
I don't care whether you're Black,
white, brown, European, African--

1021
00:52:44.080 --> 00:52:47.080
You're going, "That's all right,
Black, white, brown, European, African."

1022
00:52:47.160 --> 00:52:49.520
"What about the fucking Eskimos?"
Racist, right?

1023
00:52:50.120 --> 00:52:53.080
"They're fucking weird, Rick."
They are not weird, just different.

1024
00:52:53.160 --> 00:52:56.760
"They live in the snow." Yeah,
that is their little house, the snow. So?

1025
00:52:56.840 --> 00:52:59.080
"They wear a dead sea lion
for their clo--"

1026
00:52:59.160 --> 00:53:01.200
Yes, that's their clothes.
A dead sea lion.

1027
00:53:01.280 --> 00:53:03.320
But here's the thing about racism.

1028
00:53:03.400 --> 00:53:08.280
You drag one out of his hole in the snow
and peel him out of his sea lion outfit,

1029
00:53:08.360 --> 00:53:11.280
and he's standing there naked,
you take a closer look.

1030
00:53:11.360 --> 00:53:13.320
He's basically a cold Chinaman.

1031
00:53:15.600 --> 00:53:16.560
So…

1032
00:53:26.000 --> 00:53:28.800
I know you can't say
"Chinaman" anymore, right?

1033
00:53:29.920 --> 00:53:31.560
I can't believe you ever could

1034
00:53:31.640 --> 00:53:36.160
because that is the laziest labeling
of a demographic I've ever heard.

1035
00:53:36.240 --> 00:53:38.240
So the first one lands on our shores,

1036
00:53:38.320 --> 00:53:40.520
and we gather round,
going, "Where are you from?"

1037
00:53:40.600 --> 00:53:43.400
And he goes, "China."
And we go, "Oh, you're a Chinaman."

1038
00:53:43.480 --> 00:53:45.280
And he goes, "I'm a what?"

1039
00:53:45.360 --> 00:53:46.600
"You're a Chinaman."

1040
00:53:47.200 --> 00:53:48.800
"A Chinaman?" "Yeah."

1041
00:53:49.440 --> 00:53:50.760
"What's my wife?"

1042
00:53:50.840 --> 00:53:52.320
"Duh. Lady Chinaman."

1043
00:53:55.680 --> 00:53:57.560
"Why don't you call me by my name?"

1044
00:53:57.640 --> 00:53:59.200
"I don't know your name, do I?"

1045
00:53:59.880 --> 00:54:00.960
"It's Ling."

1046
00:54:01.560 --> 00:54:03.480
"Ling?" "Yeah."

1047
00:54:03.560 --> 00:54:05.680
"Is that your first name or your surname?"

1048
00:54:05.760 --> 00:54:06.760
"Both."

1049
00:54:09.360 --> 00:54:10.480
"Ling Ling?"

1050
00:54:10.560 --> 00:54:11.760
"Herro?"

1051
00:54:13.640 --> 00:54:15.120
Right, no. Right.

1052
00:54:16.440 --> 00:54:17.440
Right.

1053
00:54:20.320 --> 00:54:24.000
-Remember, irony. Okay?

1054
00:54:24.080 --> 00:54:26.280
Also, that's not me saying that, is it?

1055
00:54:27.160 --> 00:54:29.280
It's the little Chinaman, innit? So…

1056
00:54:30.880 --> 00:54:32.800
If he's all right with it, then…

1057
00:54:34.200 --> 00:54:37.160
-That won't be in. Right, okay.

1058
00:54:37.240 --> 00:54:40.920
Fucking hell, have I got anything
for this fucking special?

1059
00:54:43.400 --> 00:54:45.520
Oh, this is all right. Right. Um…

1060
00:54:47.520 --> 00:54:50.680
Did anyone have a pedo teacher
when they were at school?

1061
00:54:50.760 --> 00:54:52.800
-Yes, yeah. Yeah.

1062
00:54:52.880 --> 00:54:55.800
Round of applause
for pedo teachers, yeah!

1063
00:54:59.200 --> 00:55:01.080
Fucking hell.

1064
00:55:01.160 --> 00:55:03.200
-Unbelievable.

1065
00:55:03.280 --> 00:55:04.240
That's another thing.

1066
00:55:04.320 --> 00:55:07.280
I think whereas people are now
trying to be so politically correct,

1067
00:55:07.360 --> 00:55:09.040
they're trying to out-woke each other,

1068
00:55:09.120 --> 00:55:11.640
soon someone'll say,
"You can't say 'pedo' anymore."

1069
00:55:11.720 --> 00:55:17.640
"It's a derogatory term. It offends
people who are child-addicted," right?

1070
00:55:18.240 --> 00:55:20.920
So you're gonna have
people going to the doctor going,

1071
00:55:21.000 --> 00:55:23.920
"Doctor, I think I'm child-addicted."
Right?

1072
00:55:24.000 --> 00:55:26.680
The doctor'll go,
"Oh, you poor thing. How do you feel?"

1073
00:55:26.760 --> 00:55:28.640
"I feel like I wanna fiddle with kids."

1074
00:55:29.840 --> 00:55:32.120
-"That is one of the symptoms."

1075
00:55:32.200 --> 00:55:33.560
"Don't worry. Sit down."

1076
00:55:33.640 --> 00:55:36.520
"We'll get you into a facility
at taxpayers' expense,

1077
00:55:36.600 --> 00:55:38.640
and we'll wean you off children."

1078
00:55:38.720 --> 00:55:39.880
"How does that work?"

1079
00:55:39.960 --> 00:55:43.240
"You know when they give
heroin addicts methadone?" "Yeah."

1080
00:55:43.320 --> 00:55:46.800
"Well, we're gonna
start you on dwarfs, right?"

1081
00:55:46.880 --> 00:55:48.760
"It might work. It might…"

1082
00:55:51.800 --> 00:55:53.000
"It might work."

1083
00:56:01.080 --> 00:56:02.160
"How does that work?"

1084
00:56:02.240 --> 00:56:04.680
"Let me think.
I haven't thought it through."

1085
00:56:04.760 --> 00:56:06.760
Right, okay. No. Um…

1086
00:56:06.840 --> 00:56:09.160
"So what you do
is come into the facility."

1087
00:56:09.240 --> 00:56:11.240
"We've hired loads of dwarfs,

1088
00:56:11.320 --> 00:56:13.920
and we're not open
during the panto season."

1089
00:56:14.000 --> 00:56:15.440
"We can't get the staff."

1090
00:56:15.520 --> 00:56:18.600
"So you… you come in… you come in Feb--"

1091
00:56:18.680 --> 00:56:21.680
Shush. "You come in
February to November, right?"

1092
00:56:21.760 --> 00:56:24.200
-"We've hired loads of dwarfs,

1093
00:56:24.280 --> 00:56:26.440
and we've dressed them up
as schoolchildren,

1094
00:56:26.520 --> 00:56:29.160
and they just run around
the campus like that."

1095
00:56:29.240 --> 00:56:31.440
"They're free-range dwarfs."

1096
00:56:31.520 --> 00:56:34.400
-"They're free-range dwarfs,

1097
00:56:34.480 --> 00:56:37.080
and they look like
they're about six years old,

1098
00:56:37.160 --> 00:56:39.800
but they're above legal age.
You're not breaking the law."

1099
00:56:39.880 --> 00:56:41.600
"They've been paid. It's consensual."

1100
00:56:41.680 --> 00:56:45.000
"You just go up to one you fancy,
pull down his little trousers, fiddle--"

1101
00:56:45.080 --> 00:56:48.360
"Hey, Doctor, I said I was a pedo.
I didn't say I was gay."

1102
00:56:48.440 --> 00:56:52.080
"Do you think there's, like,
homophobia in the pedophile community?"

1103
00:56:52.160 --> 00:56:55.080
Like, one pedophile,
he's all smug. He's heterosexual.

1104
00:56:55.160 --> 00:56:56.760
He's abducting a little girl.

1105
00:56:56.840 --> 00:57:00.800
He's taking a little girl into the forest.
He sees another pedo with a little boy,

1106
00:57:00.880 --> 00:57:02.400
and he goes, "You fucking bender."

1107
00:57:07.000 --> 00:57:11.000
There's a London borough
that tried to ban registered pedophiles

1108
00:57:11.080 --> 00:57:13.160
living within one mile of a school.

1109
00:57:13.240 --> 00:57:15.440
Now, say what you will about pedos,

1110
00:57:15.520 --> 00:57:18.520
-but they're not lazy. Know what I mean?

1111
00:57:18.600 --> 00:57:21.600
A lot of 'em are bus drivers.
That's nothing.

1112
00:57:22.760 --> 00:57:23.880
You know?

1113
00:57:24.400 --> 00:57:26.400
So this pedo teacher, right…

1114
00:57:26.480 --> 00:57:27.480
True story, this.

1115
00:57:27.560 --> 00:57:30.160
It was about 1976. I was about 14.

1116
00:57:30.240 --> 00:57:33.040
And, uh, looking back,
I feel a bit sorry for him

1117
00:57:33.120 --> 00:57:36.920
'cause he was probably late twenties,
and he was a nervous sort of guy,

1118
00:57:37.000 --> 00:57:40.320
and he was obviously gay, and he had
a fling with one of the older boys,

1119
00:57:40.400 --> 00:57:42.240
who might have been 16, 17.

1120
00:57:42.320 --> 00:57:46.040
So now, would have been totally legal,
but then, technically a nonce.

1121
00:57:46.120 --> 00:57:48.600
Banished. Convicted. Never heard of again.

1122
00:57:48.680 --> 00:57:49.880
Big scandal, right?

1123
00:57:49.960 --> 00:57:53.360
And when it broke, I went home that day.

1124
00:57:53.440 --> 00:57:56.320
My mum was there,
and she went, "Did he touch you?"

1125
00:57:56.920 --> 00:57:58.400
And I went, "No."

1126
00:57:58.920 --> 00:58:00.160
She went, "You sure?"

1127
00:58:00.240 --> 00:58:01.640
I went, "Yeah."

1128
00:58:01.720 --> 00:58:04.200
She went,
"He couldn't have fancied you, then."

1129
00:58:07.400 --> 00:58:10.720
So now my mum is winding me up

1130
00:58:10.800 --> 00:58:16.280
about me not being attractive enough
to be sexually abused, right?

1131
00:58:16.360 --> 00:58:20.040
What if I had got a complex?
What if I had thought, "I'll show her"?

1132
00:58:21.360 --> 00:58:23.080
I'd come in at midnight. "Where you been?"

1133
00:58:23.160 --> 00:58:25.480
"Sucking off bus drivers.
That's what you get."

1134
00:58:28.520 --> 00:58:30.320
But that was typical of my mum.

1135
00:58:30.400 --> 00:58:32.920
My mum, she was the salt of the earth,

1136
00:58:33.000 --> 00:58:35.640
but she just said what she wanted, right?

1137
00:58:35.720 --> 00:58:37.120
She'd do anything for you,

1138
00:58:37.200 --> 00:58:39.320
but she reserved the right
to moan about it.

1139
00:58:39.400 --> 00:58:42.520
So, growing up,
our next-door neighbor, Mrs. Dawson,

1140
00:58:42.600 --> 00:58:44.600
she was about 25 years older than my mum.

1141
00:58:44.680 --> 00:58:49.040
So when my mum was 60,
this old lady was already, like, 85, 86.

1142
00:58:49.120 --> 00:58:51.400
My mum was
the last living witness to her existence.

1143
00:58:51.480 --> 00:58:53.680
She lived alone.
My mum did everything for her.

1144
00:58:53.760 --> 00:58:55.640
Went shopping for her, did the housework.

1145
00:58:55.720 --> 00:58:59.200
Made her lunch, sat with her for a while.
She went back, made her tea.

1146
00:58:59.280 --> 00:59:00.200
This went on and on.

1147
00:59:00.280 --> 00:59:03.040
I remember calling home once.
My mum was, like, 70.

1148
00:59:03.560 --> 00:59:05.640
And I went,
"I called earlier. You were out."

1149
00:59:05.720 --> 00:59:07.480
My mum went, "I was round Dawson's."

1150
00:59:07.560 --> 00:59:09.120
I went, "Oh, how is she?"

1151
00:59:09.200 --> 00:59:10.840
My mum went…

1152
00:59:10.920 --> 00:59:12.520
"She just won't die, Rick."

1153
00:59:18.360 --> 00:59:21.320
I have very fond memories
of growing up in Reading, um,

1154
00:59:21.400 --> 00:59:22.400
which is why…

1155
00:59:23.320 --> 00:59:25.000
Yeah, why I never go back.

1156
00:59:28.000 --> 00:59:30.720
Wherever I am in the world,
I bump into someone from Reading.

1157
00:59:30.800 --> 00:59:32.040
"I'm a Reading boy." "Oh good."

1158
00:59:32.120 --> 00:59:34.600
That should be enough, but it never is.
They always want more.

1159
00:59:34.680 --> 00:59:37.560
They say things like, "Oh yeah,
you knows Norman Taylor, don't you?"

1160
00:59:37.640 --> 00:59:39.240
I never know this person.

1161
00:59:39.320 --> 00:59:40.640
I go, "Oh, no."

1162
00:59:40.720 --> 00:59:42.400
They go, "Yeah, he knows you."

1163
00:59:42.480 --> 00:59:45.760
-"Yeah, I'm on the telly, mate. Um…"

1164
00:59:45.840 --> 00:59:48.320
"You went to Ashmead School."
"Yeah, yeah, yeah."

1165
00:59:48.400 --> 00:59:51.480
"You knows Pete Shepherd."
"When was he there?"

1166
00:59:51.560 --> 00:59:52.600
"1993."

1167
00:59:53.600 --> 00:59:55.840
"Yeah, I was 31, mate. I was…"

1168
00:59:57.080 --> 00:59:58.400
"He knows you." "Does he?"

1169
00:59:58.480 --> 01:00:00.040
"Has he got a telly?" "Yeah."

1170
01:00:00.640 --> 01:00:02.600
"That's what's happened here."

1171
01:00:04.440 --> 01:00:06.960
But I do like old stories.

1172
01:00:07.040 --> 01:00:09.360
I don't tell showbiz stories.
They're boring to me.

1173
01:00:09.440 --> 01:00:11.840
I like real stories.
Whenever I'm working up a tour,

1174
01:00:11.920 --> 01:00:14.840
I think of things that have happened to me
and how my life's changed.

1175
01:00:14.920 --> 01:00:16.680
And I thought of one for this tour,

1176
01:00:16.760 --> 01:00:18.200
and it was hugging, right?

1177
01:00:18.280 --> 01:00:20.720
No one's been hugging
for the last couple of years,

1178
01:00:20.800 --> 01:00:22.560
which I preferred. I liked that.

1179
01:00:22.640 --> 01:00:25.400
I never liked hugging.
I liked it when you couldn't hug.

1180
01:00:25.480 --> 01:00:28.480
It always felt awkward.
I didn't hug anyone growing up.

1181
01:00:28.560 --> 01:00:30.320
I didn't hug anyone till I came to London.

1182
01:00:30.400 --> 01:00:32.840
A working class kid
on an estate in Reading,

1183
01:00:32.920 --> 01:00:34.000
you don't hug people.

1184
01:00:34.080 --> 01:00:36.680
You don't hug your fucking dad,
granddad, or your brother.

1185
01:00:36.760 --> 01:00:39.800
You wind 'em up.
You take the piss. That's our hug, right?

1186
01:00:39.880 --> 01:00:43.040
I'll give you an example.
We were at our dad's funeral,

1187
01:00:43.120 --> 01:00:45.240
and I was in the graveyard
with my brother Bob.

1188
01:00:45.320 --> 01:00:48.480
Bob was having a cigarette,
and our uncle Mike came along.

1189
01:00:48.560 --> 01:00:51.000
We hadn't seen Mike for, like, 25 years.

1190
01:00:51.080 --> 01:00:54.120
Last time we saw him,
he was, like, 50, and now he's, like, 75.

1191
01:00:54.200 --> 01:00:56.960
He hadn't aged well. He was an old man.

1192
01:00:57.040 --> 01:00:59.120
And he came up to us
and went, "Hello, boys."

1193
01:00:59.200 --> 01:01:01.520
And Bob sort of looked at him
and recognized him

1194
01:01:01.600 --> 01:01:03.640
and went, "Fuck me," like that.

1195
01:01:04.160 --> 01:01:06.360
And then Bob looked around
the graveyard and went,

1196
01:01:06.440 --> 01:01:08.280
"Is there any point you going home?"

1197
01:01:11.120 --> 01:01:12.080
Right?

1198
01:01:17.560 --> 01:01:21.800
And Uncle Mike laughed and went,
"Always nice to see you, Bobby."

1199
01:01:21.880 --> 01:01:25.440
And that was their hug. Know what I mean?
I'll give you another example.

1200
01:01:25.520 --> 01:01:28.560
When I left school,
my best mate was a bloke called Mark.

1201
01:01:28.640 --> 01:01:29.760
We did everything together.

1202
01:01:29.840 --> 01:01:33.280
We took a year out before college
to earn money to get pissed, really.

1203
01:01:33.360 --> 01:01:36.160
And we did. It was the best summer ever.

1204
01:01:36.240 --> 01:01:38.120
And, uh… But then summat happened.

1205
01:01:38.200 --> 01:01:40.480
His, uh… His grandmother died,
and he lived…

1206
01:01:40.560 --> 01:01:42.720
he lived with her, so it was a big deal.

1207
01:01:42.800 --> 01:01:44.600
And, uh, he went to the funeral,

1208
01:01:44.680 --> 01:01:47.200
and the first place he came
after the funeral was my house.

1209
01:01:47.280 --> 01:01:50.960
He sat down in his little black suit,
and he was just quiet.

1210
01:01:51.040 --> 01:01:53.280
I didn't know what to say.
No hugging, right?

1211
01:01:53.360 --> 01:01:55.760
So I went, "How was it?"
He went, "It was awful."

1212
01:01:55.840 --> 01:01:57.640
Said, um, "She was cremated,

1213
01:01:57.720 --> 01:02:00.280
and we all went outside
to watch the smoke go up,

1214
01:02:00.360 --> 01:02:01.760
and the wind changed,

1215
01:02:01.840 --> 01:02:04.080
and it all blew in our faces, right?"

1216
01:02:05.360 --> 01:02:06.760
And I went, "In your mouth?"

1217
01:02:06.840 --> 01:02:09.360
He went, "Yeah." I went… I took a chance.

1218
01:02:10.560 --> 01:02:12.480
I said, "Did it taste bitter?"

1219
01:02:12.560 --> 01:02:13.760
And he went, "Yeah."

1220
01:02:13.840 --> 01:02:16.040
I went, "That was her clitoris."

1221
01:02:19.160 --> 01:02:20.040
Right?

1222
01:02:23.040 --> 01:02:26.840
And Mark just went,
"Fucking hell, Rick," like that, right?

1223
01:02:26.920 --> 01:02:29.000
And then he started laughing.

1224
01:02:29.600 --> 01:02:32.320
And that was our hug.
Do you know what I mean?

1225
01:02:33.000 --> 01:02:34.040
Oh.

1226
01:02:34.840 --> 01:02:37.320
I'll leave you
with one final story, right?

1227
01:02:37.400 --> 01:02:39.880
It's another true story.
If I say they're true, they are.

1228
01:02:39.960 --> 01:02:41.840
I promise, they're all true. And, uh…

1229
01:02:41.920 --> 01:02:43.600
My favorite are the school stories,

1230
01:02:43.680 --> 01:02:46.320
and this is probably
my favorite school story ever.

1231
01:02:47.520 --> 01:02:48.680
It was 1976 again,

1232
01:02:48.760 --> 01:02:50.600
so, uh, I was about 14,

1233
01:02:50.680 --> 01:02:53.480
and we had a kid in our class
called Gary Masterman.

1234
01:02:53.560 --> 01:02:56.240
And Gary developed Tourette's syndrome.

1235
01:02:56.320 --> 01:02:58.120
Every sentence had a swear word in it.

1236
01:02:58.200 --> 01:03:00.640
He had a tic.
We learned all about it in assembly.

1237
01:03:00.720 --> 01:03:03.360
Gary was up there.
All the teachers, all the kids knew him.

1238
01:03:03.440 --> 01:03:05.360
He was a popular lad, right. And, um…

1239
01:03:05.440 --> 01:03:07.520
Yeah, nice guy, Gary Masterman.

1240
01:03:07.600 --> 01:03:10.920
But sometimes his tics seemed relevant.

1241
01:03:11.760 --> 01:03:13.720
I'll never forget,
we were having this lesson

1242
01:03:13.800 --> 01:03:16.480
with a young female teacher
called Miss Wilkie.

1243
01:03:16.560 --> 01:03:19.680
She was at the blackboard.
She was doing calling-out suggestions.

1244
01:03:19.760 --> 01:03:22.480
Can't remember what it was about.
She'd go, "Simon, what do you think?"

1245
01:03:22.560 --> 01:03:25.440
"Yeah, that's good. Yes, that works.
Brian, what do you…"

1246
01:03:25.520 --> 01:03:26.920
"Yeah. Yeah, good. Yeah."

1247
01:03:27.000 --> 01:03:29.720
And she went, "Gary."
He went, "I'll finger you, miss."

1248
01:03:36.400 --> 01:03:38.720
And she just went, "Anyone else?"

1249
01:03:40.480 --> 01:03:42.480
And she pointed to Sean Dixon,

1250
01:03:42.560 --> 01:03:44.560
and Sean went, "Yeah, I'll finger ya."

1251
01:03:46.880 --> 01:03:48.680
You've been amazing. Good night.





-> 00:55:59.240
[laughs]

1283
00:55:59.320 --> 00:56:01.000
[audience laughing]

1284
00:56:01.080 --> 00:56:02.160
"How does that work?"

1285
00:56:02.240 --> 00:56:04.680
"Let me think.
I haven't thought it through."

1286
00:56:04.760 --> 00:56:06.760
Right, okay. No. Um…

1287
00:56:06.840 --> 00:56:09.160
"So what you do
is come into the facility."

1288
00:56:09.240 --> 00:56:11.240
"We've hired loads of dwarfs,

1289
00:56:11.320 --> 00:56:13.920
and we're not open
during the panto season."

1290
00:56:14.000 --> 00:56:15.440
"We can't get the staff."

1291
00:56:15.520 --> 00:56:18.600
"So you… you come in… you come in Feb--"

1292
00:56:18.680 --> 00:56:21.680
Shush. "You come in
February to November, right?"

1293
00:56:21.760 --> 00:56:24.200
-[audience laughing]
-"We've hired loads of dwarfs,

1294
00:56:24.280 --> 00:56:26.440
and we've dressed them up
as schoolchildren,

1295
00:56:26.520 --> 00:56:29.160
and they just run around
the campus like that."

1296
00:56:29.240 --> 00:56:31.440
[laughs] "They're free-range dwarfs."

1297
00:56:31.520 --> 00:56:34.400
-[audience laughing]
-"They're free-range dwarfs,

1298
00:56:34.480 --> 00:56:37.080
and they look like
they're about six years old,

1299
00:56:37.160 --> 00:56:39.800
but they're above legal age.
You're not breaking the law."

1300
00:56:39.880 --> 00:56:41.600
"They've been paid. It's consensual."

1301
00:56:41.680 --> 00:56:45.000
"You just go up to one you fancy,
pull down his little trousers, fiddle--"

1302
00:56:45.080 --> 00:56:48.360
"Hey, Doctor, I said I was a pedo.
I didn't say I was gay."

1303
00:56:48.440 --> 00:56:52.080
"Do you think there's, like,
homophobia in the pedophile community?"

1304
00:56:52.160 --> 00:56:55.080
Like, one pedophile,
he's all smug. He's heterosexual.

1305
00:56:55.160 --> 00:56:56.760
He's abducting a little girl.

1306
00:56:56.840 --> 00:57:00.800
He's taking a little girl into the forest.
He sees another pedo with a little boy,

1307
00:57:00.880 --> 00:57:02.400
and he goes, "You fucking bender."

1308
00:57:02.480 --> 00:57:04.280
[audience laughing]

1309
00:57:07.000 --> 00:57:11.000
There's a London borough
that tried to ban registered pedophiles

1310
00:57:11.080 --> 00:57:13.160
living within one mile of a school.

1311
00:57:13.240 --> 00:57:15.440
Now, say what you will about pedos,

1312
00:57:15.520 --> 00:57:18.520
-but they're not lazy. Know what I mean?
-[audience laughing]

1313
00:57:18.600 --> 00:57:21.600
A lot of 'em are bus drivers.
That's nothing. [laughs]

1314
00:57:21.680 --> 00:57:22.680
[audience laughing]

1315
00:57:22.760 --> 00:57:23.880
You know?

1316
00:57:24.400 --> 00:57:26.400
So this pedo teacher, right…

1317
00:57:26.480 --> 00:57:27.480
True story, this.

1318
00:57:27.560 --> 00:57:30.160
It was about 1976. I was about 14.

1319
00:57:30.240 --> 00:57:33.040
And, uh, looking back,
I feel a bit sorry for him

1320
00:57:33.120 --> 00:57:36.920
'cause he was probably late twenties,
and he was a nervous sort of guy,

1321
00:57:37.000 --> 00:57:40.320
and he was obviously gay, and he had
a fling with one of the older boys,

1322
00:57:40.400 --> 00:57:42.240
who might have been 16, 17.

1323
00:57:42.320 --> 00:57:46.040
So now, would have been totally legal,
but then, technically a nonce.

1324
00:57:46.120 --> 00:57:48.600
Banished. Convicted. Never heard of again.

1325
00:57:48.680 --> 00:57:49.880
Big scandal, right?

1326
00:57:49.960 --> 00:57:53.360
And when it broke, I went home that day.

1327
00:57:53.440 --> 00:57:56.320
My mum was there,
and she went, "Did he touch you?"

1328
00:57:56.920 --> 00:57:58.400
And I went, "No."

1329
00:57:58.920 --> 00:58:00.160
She went, "You sure?"

1330
00:58:00.240 --> 00:58:01.640
I went, "Yeah."

1331
00:58:01.720 --> 00:58:04.200
She went,
"He couldn't have fancied you, then."

1332
00:58:04.280 --> 00:58:05.720
[audience laughing]

1333
00:58:07.400 --> 00:58:10.720
So now my mum is winding me up

1334
00:58:10.800 --> 00:58:16.280
about me not being attractive enough
to be sexually abused, right?

1335
00:58:16.360 --> 00:58:20.040
What if I had got a complex?
What if I had thought, "I'll show her"?

1336
00:58:20.120 --> 00:58:21.280
[audience laughing]

1337
00:58:21.360 --> 00:58:23.080
I'd come in at midnight. "Where you been?"

1338
00:58:23.160 --> 00:58:25.480
"Sucking off bus drivers.
That's what you get."

1339
00:58:25.560 --> 00:58:27.160
[audience laughing]

1340
00:58:28.520 --> 00:58:30.320
But that was typical of my mum.

1341
00:58:30.400 --> 00:58:32.920
My mum, she was the salt of the earth,

1342
00:58:33.000 --> 00:58:35.640
but she just said what she wanted, right?

1343
00:58:35.720 --> 00:58:37.120
She'd do anything for you,

1344
00:58:37.200 --> 00:58:39.320
but she reserved the right
to moan about it.

1345
00:58:39.400 --> 00:58:42.520
So, growing up,
our next-door neighbor, Mrs. Dawson,

1346
00:58:42.600 --> 00:58:44.600
she was about 25 years older than my mum.

1347
00:58:44.680 --> 00:58:49.040
So when my mum was 60,
this old lady was already, like, 85, 86.

1348
00:58:49.120 --> 00:58:51.400
My mum was
the last living witness to her existence.

1349
00:58:51.480 --> 00:58:53.680
She lived alone.
My mum did everything for her.

1350
00:58:53.760 --> 00:58:55.640
Went shopping for her, did the housework.

1351
00:58:55.720 --> 00:58:59.200
Made her lunch, sat with her for a while.
She went back, made her tea.

1352
00:58:59.280 --> 00:59:00.200
This went on and on.

1353
00:59:00.280 --> 00:59:03.040
I remember calling home once.
My mum was, like, 70.

1354
00:59:03.560 --> 00:59:05.640
And I went,
"I called earlier. You were out."

1355
00:59:05.720 --> 00:59:07.480
My mum went, "I was round Dawson's."

1356
00:59:07.560 --> 00:59:09.120
I went, "Oh, how is she?"

1357
00:59:09.200 --> 00:59:10.840
My mum went… [sighs]

1358
00:59:10.920 --> 00:59:12.520
"She just won't die, Rick."

1359
00:59:12.600 --> 00:59:15.480
-[audience laughing]
-[Ricky laughing]

1360
00:59:18.360 --> 00:59:21.320
I have very fond memories
of growing up in Reading, um,

1361
00:59:21.400 --> 00:59:22.400
which is why…

1362
00:59:23.320 --> 00:59:25.000
Yeah, why I never go back.

1363
00:59:25.080 --> 00:59:27.120
[audience laughing]

1364
00:59:28.000 --> 00:59:30.720
Wherever I am in the world,
I bump into someone from Reading.

1365
00:59:30.800 --> 00:59:32.040
"I'm a Reading boy." "Oh good."

1366
00:59:32.120 --> 00:59:34.600
That should be enough, but it never is.
They always want more.

1367
00:59:34.680 --> 00:59:37.560
They say things like, "Oh yeah,
you knows Norman Taylor, don't you?"

1368
00:59:37.640 --> 00:59:39.240
I never know this person.

1369
00:59:39.320 --> 00:59:40.640
I go, "Oh, no."

1370
00:59:40.720 --> 00:59:42.400
They go, "Yeah, he knows you."

1371
00:59:42.480 --> 00:59:45.760
-"Yeah, I'm on the telly, mate. Um…"
-[audience laughing]

1372
00:59:45.840 --> 00:59:48.320
"You went to Ashmead School."
"Yeah, yeah, yeah."

1373
00:59:48.400 --> 00:59:51.480
"You knows Pete Shepherd."
"When was he there?"

1374
00:59:51.560 --> 00:59:52.600
"1993."

1375
00:59:53.600 --> 00:59:55.840
"Yeah, I was 31, mate. I was…"

1376
00:59:55.920 --> 00:59:57.000
[audience laughing]

1377
00:59:57.080 --> 00:59:58.400
"He knows you." "Does he?"

1378
00:59:58.480 --> 01:00:00.040
"Has he got a telly?" "Yeah."

1379
01:00:00.640 --> 01:00:02.600
"That's what's happened here."

1380
01:00:02.680 --> 01:00:04.360
[audience laughing]

1381
01:00:04.440 --> 01:00:06.960
But I do like old stories.

1382
01:00:07.040 --> 01:00:09.360
I don't tell showbiz stories.
They're boring to me.

1383
01:00:09.440 --> 01:00:11.840
I like real stories.
Whenever I'm working up a tour,

1384
01:00:11.920 --> 01:00:14.840
I think of things that have happened to me
and how my life's changed.

1385
01:00:14.920 --> 01:00:16.680
And I thought of one for this tour,

1386
01:00:16.760 --> 01:00:18.200
and it was hugging, right?

1387
01:00:18.280 --> 01:00:20.720
No one's been hugging
for the last couple of years,

1388
01:00:20.800 --> 01:00:22.560
which I preferred. I liked that.

1389
01:00:22.640 --> 01:00:25.400
I never liked hugging.
I liked it when you couldn't hug.

1390
01:00:25.480 --> 01:00:28.480
It always felt awkward.
I didn't hug anyone growing up.

1391
01:00:28.560 --> 01:00:30.320
I didn't hug anyone till I came to London.

1392
01:00:30.400 --> 01:00:32.840
A working class kid
on an estate in Reading,

1393
01:00:32.920 --> 01:00:34.000
you don't hug people.

1394
01:00:34.080 --> 01:00:36.680
You don't hug your fucking dad,
granddad, or your brother.

1395
01:00:36.760 --> 01:00:39.800
You wind 'em up.
You take the piss. That's our hug, right?

1396
01:00:39.880 --> 01:00:43.040
I'll give you an example.
We were at our dad's funeral,

1397
01:00:43.120 --> 01:00:45.240
and I was in the graveyard
with my brother Bob.

1398
01:00:45.320 --> 01:00:48.480
Bob was having a cigarette,
and our uncle Mike came along.

1399
01:00:48.560 --> 01:00:51.000
We hadn't seen Mike for, like, 25 years.

1400
01:00:51.080 --> 01:00:54.120
Last time we saw him,
he was, like, 50, and now he's, like, 75.

1401
01:00:54.200 --> 01:00:56.960
He hadn't aged well. He was an old man.

1402
01:00:57.040 --> 01:00:59.120
And he came up to us
and went, "Hello, boys."

1403
01:00:59.200 --> 01:01:01.520
And Bob sort of looked at him
and recognized him

1404
01:01:01.600 --> 01:01:03.640
and went, "Fuck me," like that.

1405
01:01:04.160 --> 01:01:06.360
And then Bob looked around
the graveyard and went,

1406
01:01:06.440 --> 01:01:08.280
"Is there any point you going home?"

1407
01:01:08.360 --> 01:01:11.040
-[audience laughing]
-[Ricky laughing]

1408
01:01:11.120 --> 01:01:12.080
Right?

1409
01:01:12.160 --> 01:01:14.040
-[audience laughing]
-[Ricky laughing]

1410
01:01:17.560 --> 01:01:21.800
And Uncle Mike laughed and went,
"Always nice to see you, Bobby."

1411
01:01:21.880 --> 01:01:25.440
And that was their hug. Know what I mean?
I'll give you another example.

1412
01:01:25.520 --> 01:01:28.560
When I left school,
my best mate was a bloke called Mark.

1413
01:01:28.640 --> 01:01:29.760
We did everything together.

1414
01:01:29.840 --> 01:01:33.280
We took a year out before college
to earn money to get pissed, really.

1415
01:01:33.360 --> 01:01:36.160
And we did. It was the best summer ever.

1416
01:01:36.240 --> 01:01:38.120
And, uh… But then summat happened.

1417
01:01:38.200 --> 01:01:40.480
His, uh… His grandmother died,
and he lived…

1418
01:01:40.560 --> 01:01:42.720
he lived with her, so it was a big deal.

1419
01:01:42.800 --> 01:01:44.600
And, uh, he went to the funeral,

1420
01:01:44.680 --> 01:01:47.200
and the first place he came
after the funeral was my house.

1421
01:01:47.280 --> 01:01:50.960
He sat down in his little black suit,
and he was just quiet.

1422
01:01:51.040 --> 01:01:53.280
I didn't know what to say.
No hugging, right?

1423
01:01:53.360 --> 01:01:55.760
So I went, "How was it?"
He went, "It was awful."

1424
01:01:55.840 --> 01:01:57.640
Said, um, "She was cremated,

1425
01:01:57.720 --> 01:02:00.280
and we all went outside
to watch the smoke go up,

1426
01:02:00.360 --> 01:02:01.760
and the wind changed,

1427
01:02:01.840 --> 01:02:04.080
and it all blew in our faces, right?"

1428
01:02:04.160 --> 01:02:05.280
[audience laughing]

1429
01:02:05.360 --> 01:02:06.760
And I went, "In your mouth?"

1430
01:02:06.840 --> 01:02:09.360
He went, "Yeah." I went… I took a chance.

1431
01:02:09.440 --> 01:02:10.480
[audience laughing]

1432
01:02:10.560 --> 01:02:12.480
I said, "Did it taste bitter?"

1433
01:02:12.560 --> 01:02:13.760
And he went, "Yeah."

1434
01:02:13.840 --> 01:02:16.040
I went, "That was her clitoris."

1435
01:02:16.120 --> 01:02:19.080
-[audience laughing]
-[Ricky laughing]

1436
01:02:19.160 --> 01:02:20.040
Right?

1437
01:02:20.120 --> 01:02:21.880
[audience laughing]

1438
01:02:23.040 --> 01:02:26.840
And Mark just went,
"Fucking hell, Rick," like that, right?

1439
01:02:26.920 --> 01:02:29.000
And then he started laughing.

1440
01:02:29.600 --> 01:02:32.320
And that was our hug.
Do you know what I mean?

1441
01:02:33.000 --> 01:02:34.040
Oh.

1442
01:02:34.840 --> 01:02:37.320
I'll leave you
with one final story, right?

1443
01:02:37.400 --> 01:02:39.880
It's another true story.
If I say they're true, they are.

1444
01:02:39.960 --> 01:02:41.840
I promise, they're all true. And, uh…

1445
01:02:41.920 --> 01:02:43.600
My favorite are the school stories,

1446
01:02:43.680 --> 01:02:46.320
and this is probably
my favorite school story ever.

1447
01:02:47.520 --> 01:02:48.680
It was 1976 again,

1448
01:02:48.760 --> 01:02:50.600
so, uh, I was about 14,

1449
01:02:50.680 --> 01:02:53.480
and we had a kid in our class
called Gary Masterman.

1450
01:02:53.560 --> 01:02:56.240
And Gary developed Tourette's syndrome.

1451
01:02:56.320 --> 01:02:58.120
Every sentence had a swear word in it.

1452
01:02:58.200 --> 01:03:00.640
He had a tic.
We learned all about it in assembly.

1453
01:03:00.720 --> 01:03:03.360
Gary was up there.
All the teachers, all the kids knew him.

1454
01:03:03.440 --> 01:03:05.360
He was a popular lad, right. And, um…

1455
01:03:05.440 --> 01:03:07.520
Yeah, nice guy, Gary Masterman.

1456
01:03:07.600 --> 01:03:10.920
But sometimes his tics seemed relevant.

1457
01:03:11.760 --> 01:03:13.720
I'll never forget,
we were having this lesson

1458
01:03:13.800 --> 01:03:16.480
with a young female teacher
called Miss Wilkie.

1459
01:03:16.560 --> 01:03:19.680
She was at the blackboard.
She was doing calling-out suggestions.

1460
01:03:19.760 --> 01:03:22.480
Can't remember what it was about.
She'd go, "Simon, what do you think?"

1461
01:03:22.560 --> 01:03:25.440
"Yeah, that's good. Yes, that works.
Brian, what do you…"

1462
01:03:25.520 --> 01:03:26.920
"Yeah. Yeah, good. Yeah."

1463
01:03:27.000 --> 01:03:29.720
And she went, "Gary."
He went, "I'll finger you, miss."

1464
01:03:29.800 --> 01:03:31.840
[audience laughing]

1465
01:03:36.400 --> 01:03:38.720
And she just went, "Anyone else?"

1466
01:03:38.800 --> 01:03:40.400
[audience laughing]

1467
01:03:40.480 --> 01:03:42.480
And she pointed to Sean Dixon,

1468
01:03:42.560 --> 01:03:44.560
and Sean went, "Yeah, I'll finger ya."

1469
01:03:44.640 --> 01:03:46.800
[audience laughing]

1470
01:03:46.880 --> 01:03:48.680
You've been amazing. Good night.

1471
01:03:48.760 --> 01:03:50.640
[audience cheering and applauding]