WEBVTT FILE
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Downloaded from
YTS.MX
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[funky music plays]
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Official YIFY movies site:
YTS.MX
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[cheering]
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[announcer] Chicago,
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get nuts.
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Make some noise for Sam Morril.
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[audience cheers]
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How are ya?
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[cheering]
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Thank you.
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Ooh.
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All right. How's it going?
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Oh my God.
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Finally, a shooting in Chicago
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that doesn't involve a teenager.
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This is gonna be great.
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Uh…
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It's good to be here.
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The world. Terrible times
we're living in, so, you know.
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I'll tell you what's a bad job, is cop.
That's a tough job, right?
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You got all that power,
but they don't pay you enough.
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You got a badge and a gun, but you make
sometimes less than a teacher.
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Can you imagine
risking getting shot every day,
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and you only make
a little bit more than a cop?
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That's just…
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[laughter]
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The old…
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[woman] Woo!
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That's, you know…
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[cheering and applause]
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We call that
"the old switcheroo" in showbiz. That's…
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[laughter]
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No, cop is tougher than teacher.
You know how I know that?
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There's no substitute cop.
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[laughter]
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That's not true. White women. But…
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All right.
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"I'm feeling unsafe."
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"We're gonna need backup here."
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[laughter]
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A friend said, "You know
what's gonna help police brutality
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is these body cams."
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I was like, "Sounds like
you've never seen the show Cops."
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[laughter]
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That was the whole show.
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[laughter]
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That show was basically
police brutality but with sponsors.
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[laughter]
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Every episode was like,
"That guy's on crack."
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"Let's beat the shit out of him."
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[laughter]
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"Brought to you by Axe body spray."
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[laughter]
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I went to a couple
of Black Lives Matter protests.
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Every protest, for some reason,
has a white guy who climbs a tree.
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[laughter]
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I don't know why, but he is up there.
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[laughter]
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And he's cocky about it.
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He's like, "You guys man the streets."
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"I'm gonna handle up top."
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[laughter]
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If you say so.
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I hear civil rights leaders, like,
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"Weren't this many white guys here
in the '60s."
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I'm like, "But did you look up?
'Cause they…"
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[laughter]
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"They're there.
You gotta look around a little."
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I saw a guy in the park,
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tall white guy in a T-shirt
that said, "Fuck racism."
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And I was like, "Problem solved."
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[laughter]
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All it takes is the shirt.
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I was embarrassed I forgot to wear
my "Islamophobes can suck my nut" hoodie.
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We could… We could have teamed up.
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You gotta wear your obvious beliefs
on your shirt. Everyone knows that.
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I'm gonna roll into my friend's birthday
in a shirt that says, "Against baby rape."
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[laughter]
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My friends are gonna be like,
"Why are you wearing that?"
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And I'm gonna be like,
"Are you for baby rape? Because…"
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[laughter]
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"…some of us are a little fed up."
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[laughter]
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I saw an article. It said the movie
Snow White is now problematic.
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I was like, "All right."
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Look, if a movie is 75-plus years old,
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let's just assume there's a few problems…
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[laughter]
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…and go about our day.
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We don't need a think piece every time.
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But I read the article,
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and it said,
"Look, the movie is problematic
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because, uh, he kisses her
and she's sleeping."
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"There's no consent."
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I was like, "All right,
but it was a quick kiss
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and it saved her life."
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-It's not…
-[laughter]
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It's not like he's making out with her
while jacking off, and, uh,
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the dwarves are filming.
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It was pretty tastefully done.
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[laughter]
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I don't think that movie
has ever inspired a sexual assault.
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I don't think there's a dude in prison
right now, like, "Disney lied."
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[laughter]
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If you pass out
and get kissed by a prince,
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it's not exactly
the worst-case scenario, you know.
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I'm not saying it's okay, but that's…
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If you're unconscious, that is
most likely not who's gonna kiss you.
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[laughter]
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[laughter continues]
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Maybe Prince Andrew.
But normally, you know, it's…
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Right? All right.
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[laughter and applause]
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Is the canceling real anymore?
I don't know.
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Cut to me in a basement in two years,
like, "It's real. It's…"
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"It's very real."
But some of it seems ridiculous.
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Look at Dr. Seuss last year.
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They were like, "He's canceled."
I was like, "I'm pretty sure he's dead."
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[laughter]
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He's not frantically checking
his Twitter right now.
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[laughter]
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I saw one that said,
"Dr. Seuss is under fire."
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I was like, "He's underground."
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"He's not with us anymore."
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I guess he had some racist stuff
in some lesser-known children's books.
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Of course, Tucker Carlson
comes on the news, like,
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"They're coming for Seuss."
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[laughter]
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"It's Seuss today.
It could be any of us tomorrow."
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[laughter]
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"You need to pick a side
in the Seuss wars."
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There were people spending thousands
of dollars on the racist Dr. Seuss books
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for I don't know what occasion.
I don't know when you break those out.
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"Daddy, will you read me Cat in the Hat?"
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He's like, "Nah, I got the good shit."
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[laughter]
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"We're gonna do
a little Jew in the Zoo tonight." It's…
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[laughter and applause]
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It's amazing how openly anti-Semitic
some of these politicians will be too.
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Like there was that representative
here in Illinois, Mary Miller.
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She went viral 'cause she goes,
"Hitler was right about one thing."
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"The youth is the future."
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I was like, "Yeah, I don't think
you had to quote Hitler there."
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[laughter]
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"That's a pretty widely held belief."
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"There's a Whitney Houston song
you could have mentioned."
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[laughter]
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"I don't think that was
a Führer exclusive, but…"
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[laughter]
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Like Ted Bundy always said,
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it's better to ask for forgiveness
than permission.
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[laughter]
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Marjorie Taylor Greene
said she went to the Holocaust museum.
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I was reading this article.
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Knowing her, I thought the next sentence
was gonna be, "I don't buy it," but…
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She went the other way.
She said it was worse than she thought.
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Also weird for an adult to be like,
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"You guys might not know this,
but the Holocaust was really bad."
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[laughter]
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Then she said,
"It wasn't just Jews in those camps."
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And I was like,
"Yeah, but it was our thing."
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[laughter]
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If you were a non-Jew
in a concentration camp,
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I bet you were looking around like,
"Is there someone I can talk to?"
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[laughter]
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"I think a mistake has been made."
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[laughter]
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Everyone around is complaining.
You're like, "You have it bad?"
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"I'm not even supposed to be here."
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[laughter]
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"Surely there's a manager I can speak to."
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"I know I sound like
one of them. I'm not."
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[laughter]
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She said Jehovah's Witnesses
were in the concentration camps.
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Isn't it crazy there was a time
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where people would knock on their door
and they were like, "Shit."
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[laughter and applause]
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Yeah. Water break.
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[cheering]
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I earned it.
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[applause]
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I watch too many
of those Holocaust documentaries,
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and, uh, I was watching one,
they had this awful Nazi.
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They named him "Ivan the Terrible."
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One of the worst human beings ever.
Gassed more Jews than anyone.
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Escaped. He's living in Ohio
with a family.
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People swore his innocence.
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They were like,
"He's never gotten a speeding ticket."
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I was like, "It's him."
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[laughter]
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If you're a war criminal
trying to keep a low profile,
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you're gonna be very careful
at every intersection.
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I used to hate reckless drivers.
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Now I see someone
going seven or eight below,
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like, "You fucking Nazi pig."
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[laughter]
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"What are you hiding from?"
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Been on the road a lot,
traveling every week.
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I was going through security recently
at the airport in New York.
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They have a giant sign
as you're going through security
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that just said, "9/11."
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"Never forget."
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I was like, "I can't forget
before I board the flight?"
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[laughter]
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"You can't give me
three and a half, four hours
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of maybe blocking that one out?"
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[laughter]
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We're one step away
from the pilot coming on,
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"Hey, this is your captain.
Uh, it could happen again, guys."
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[laughter]
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"We're due."
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"Keep your head on a swivel
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'cause I've got a bad feeling
about today for some reason."
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I've been traveling every week,
on the road.
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I'm with my friend Gary a lot,
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and, uh, you know,
we're leaving Columbus, Ohio, recently…
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You ever behind someone in line and you're
like, "That's my least favorite person
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in quite some time"?
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And this woman
is just berating TSA. Just awful.
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Yelling at this poor woman just nonstop.
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Like, "Wow, you're so bad at this.
What's your name? I'm gonna report you."
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Two minutes of just awfulness,
just nonstop.
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Then, at the two-minute mark,
she goes, "You're an idiot."
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That's when I was like, "Lady, enough."
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She goes, "This doesn't concern you."
I said, "It didn't."
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"Now it does."
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[laughter]
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I said it pretty cool, so I looked
to see if anyone was paying attention.
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No one gave a shit, but…
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[laughter]
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After I say that,
she loudly yells "Security" on me.
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I was like, "They hate you.
They're not gonna do anything."
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My friend Gary goes, "Yeah, lady,
this isn't the movie of your life."
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"You're a nobody."
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[laughter]
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She looks at my friend Gary,
and she goes, "Well, you're short."
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[laughter]
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And I'm… I'm excited
for what Gary's gonna hit her back with.
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'Cause he's a funny dude.
I'm oozing with anticipation.
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I'm like, "How's he gonna get her?"
I can't wait.
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And that's when Gary says,
"You should see me without my shirt on."
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[laughter]
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"Dude, what the hell?
We had her. What are you doing?"
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[laughter]
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"She was on the ropes."
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"You blew it."
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And he's my friend.
I have to have his back.
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So I was like, "He does look good
without his shirt on."
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[laughter]
251
00:10:59.333 --> 00:11:02.166
"He does a lot of… A lot of push-ups and…"
252
00:11:02.250 --> 00:11:04.250
-[laughter]
-You know.
253
00:11:04.333 --> 00:11:06.666
We went from, like,
two badass dudes seeking justice
254
00:11:06.750 --> 00:11:08.416
to just a sad-looking gay couple.
255
00:11:08.500 --> 00:11:09.958
[laughter]
256
00:11:10.041 --> 00:11:13.416
It was like, "Don't you ever
disparage my Gary. He's…"
257
00:11:13.500 --> 00:11:15.000
[laughter]
258
00:11:18.875 --> 00:11:21.750
Traveling, seeing the country,
it's crazy to me, you know,
259
00:11:21.833 --> 00:11:23.791
all the abortion stuff, as a New Yorker.
260
00:11:23.875 --> 00:11:26.333
Most of my friends are pretty progressive.
261
00:11:26.416 --> 00:11:30.666
A friend goes, "I think a woman
should be able to get 12, 13 abortions."
262
00:11:30.750 --> 00:11:33.125
I was like,
"That's a pretty horrifying number."
263
00:11:33.208 --> 00:11:34.291
[laughter]
264
00:11:34.375 --> 00:11:37.750
"I'm for a woman's right to choose.
Maybe don't open with a baker's dozen."
265
00:11:37.833 --> 00:11:38.833
"What do you think?"
266
00:11:40.125 --> 00:11:42.083
"Might not be the path to unity."
267
00:11:42.166 --> 00:11:43.666
[laughter]
268
00:11:43.750 --> 00:11:46.916
Once you've killed enough fetuses
that they could have formed a band…
269
00:11:47.000 --> 00:11:48.125
[laughter]
270
00:11:48.208 --> 00:11:50.541
Ironically also called the Grateful Dead.
271
00:11:50.625 --> 00:11:52.541
-That's…
-[audience gasps]
272
00:11:52.625 --> 00:11:56.791
[cheering and applause]
273
00:11:56.875 --> 00:11:58.375
That's… All right.
274
00:11:59.000 --> 00:12:01.583
Are you into that stuff?
I saw you react there.
275
00:12:02.708 --> 00:12:05.625
A little bit? Yeah?
What kind of work are you in?
276
00:12:05.708 --> 00:12:08.250
I work, uh… I make, uh, staircases.
277
00:12:08.333 --> 00:12:10.625
-You make staircases?
-[laughter]
278
00:12:10.708 --> 00:12:12.916
Well, if the abortion thing
keeps going south,
279
00:12:13.000 --> 00:12:14.708
I'll give you a call, but…
280
00:12:14.791 --> 00:12:16.791
[laughter]
281
00:12:20.791 --> 00:12:21.625
[Sam chuckles]
282
00:12:25.666 --> 00:12:28.791
But, no, it's weird. You watch the news,
and you're like, "Oh, wait."
283
00:12:28.875 --> 00:12:30.208
I saw the news the other day.
284
00:12:30.291 --> 00:12:33.583
You can no longer perform an abortion
in Kentucky or Utah.
285
00:12:33.666 --> 00:12:35.875
"Perform" is what they say.
Weird, you know.
286
00:12:36.583 --> 00:12:39.375
We've all heard it in that context.
It never quite sounds right.
287
00:12:39.458 --> 00:12:40.750
"Perform an abortion."
288
00:12:41.250 --> 00:12:43.875
That sounds like the doctor's
walking into the room, like,
289
00:12:43.958 --> 00:12:45.000
"Showtime."
290
00:12:45.083 --> 00:12:47.083
[laughter]
291
00:12:47.166 --> 00:12:49.708
"You ladies ready to rock? Let's do this."
292
00:12:51.500 --> 00:12:54.791
Think he's coming home and his wife
is like, "How were your performances?"
293
00:12:54.875 --> 00:12:56.583
And he's like, "I fucking killed."
294
00:12:56.666 --> 00:12:58.666
[laughter]
295
00:13:01.000 --> 00:13:01.875
"Murderer."
296
00:13:01.958 --> 00:13:03.750
[laughter]
297
00:13:08.458 --> 00:13:10.375
Maybe I'll call this next special, uh,
298
00:13:10.458 --> 00:13:12.083
9/11 Abortion Holocaust.
299
00:13:12.166 --> 00:13:13.083
What do you think?
300
00:13:13.166 --> 00:13:14.958
[laughter]
301
00:13:15.041 --> 00:13:16.500
No one's gonna complain.
302
00:13:16.583 --> 00:13:17.541
[laughter]
303
00:13:17.625 --> 00:13:20.125
You're not gonna see write-ups like,
"I expected better
304
00:13:20.208 --> 00:13:22.333
from 9/11 Abortion Holocaust."
305
00:13:22.416 --> 00:13:23.500
[laughter]
306
00:13:24.791 --> 00:13:27.375
"It turned out to lack taste,
and that was…"
307
00:13:28.041 --> 00:13:29.250
"That was surprising."
308
00:13:31.625 --> 00:13:32.625
My favorite people.
309
00:13:32.708 --> 00:13:36.458
Ever talk to someone, they're progressive,
but they don't have the lingo down?
310
00:13:36.541 --> 00:13:37.500
Those are the best.
311
00:13:38.166 --> 00:13:40.375
I was talking to a guy
about a trans person we both know.
312
00:13:40.458 --> 00:13:42.625
He goes, "I fully support it.
I'll play along."
313
00:13:42.708 --> 00:13:44.958
I was like, "I don't think
that's what they're going for."
314
00:13:45.041 --> 00:13:46.708
[laughter]
315
00:13:46.791 --> 00:13:50.166
I don't think you're scoring a lot
of points, walking up to a trans person,
316
00:13:50.250 --> 00:13:51.083
"Sure."
317
00:13:51.166 --> 00:13:53.000
[laughter]
318
00:13:53.083 --> 00:13:54.375
"If you say so."
319
00:13:54.458 --> 00:13:55.666
[laughter]
320
00:13:55.750 --> 00:13:58.708
"Honey, come here. This one's believable.
This is crazy."
321
00:13:58.791 --> 00:14:00.791
[laughter]
322
00:14:01.875 --> 00:14:05.666
He was mad about the trans swimmer,
Lia Thomas, who kept winning races.
323
00:14:05.750 --> 00:14:07.583
He said, "This is messed up, man."
324
00:14:07.666 --> 00:14:10.291
"There needs to be an asterisk
next to those wins."
325
00:14:10.375 --> 00:14:12.083
I said, "Bullshit." He goes, "Exactly."
326
00:14:12.166 --> 00:14:14.416
I said, "No, that you care
about women's swimming."
327
00:14:14.500 --> 00:14:15.958
[laughter]
328
00:14:16.041 --> 00:14:19.375
"I've known you for quite some time.
I've never heard you mention it."
329
00:14:19.875 --> 00:14:24.000
"This outrage rings insincere."
And he said, "What if I have a daughter?"
330
00:14:24.083 --> 00:14:25.291
And I said, "You won't."
331
00:14:25.375 --> 00:14:26.708
[laughter]
332
00:14:26.791 --> 00:14:30.416
"You're 55 and you have a roommate.
I don't think it's gonna happen for ya."
333
00:14:31.625 --> 00:14:34.875
He said, "What if I raise a girl
who turns out to be a swimming champion?"
334
00:14:34.958 --> 00:14:38.041
I said, "If you find someone dumb enough
to let you come inside her,
335
00:14:38.708 --> 00:14:42.625
I can pretty much guarantee that kid
is not gonna grow up to be a winner."
336
00:14:42.708 --> 00:14:43.750
[laughter]
337
00:14:43.833 --> 00:14:46.291
He said, "It could happen.
I never wear condoms."
338
00:14:46.375 --> 00:14:49.250
I said, "You never wear condoms
and you don't have a kid?"
339
00:14:49.333 --> 00:14:52.625
"Too bad your sperm isn't a trans woman.
It would know how to swim."
340
00:14:52.708 --> 00:14:54.708
[laughter and applause]
341
00:15:01.125 --> 00:15:02.041
All right.
342
00:15:03.541 --> 00:15:04.666
I deserve a sip.
343
00:15:06.708 --> 00:15:07.541
All right.
344
00:15:09.375 --> 00:15:12.000
Chappelle caught some shit
for the trans stuff, right?
345
00:15:12.083 --> 00:15:14.250
People were mad at Chappelle and, uh…
346
00:15:14.333 --> 00:15:17.666
My friends were so worried about him.
Like, "They're coming for Dave."
347
00:15:17.750 --> 00:15:19.666
I was like, "He's gonna be okay, I think."
348
00:15:20.375 --> 00:15:22.666
It's always my friend
with the worst possible life
349
00:15:22.750 --> 00:15:25.500
that's the most concerned
about a millionaire celebrity.
350
00:15:26.458 --> 00:15:30.208
My friend's, "They're coming for Dave."
I'm like, "Focus on your shitty life."
351
00:15:30.833 --> 00:15:32.041
"Dave is doing great."
352
00:15:32.583 --> 00:15:36.958
"He flies private, he performs in arenas,
and he makes 24 million a special."
353
00:15:37.041 --> 00:15:40.041
"You borrowed money
from your mother recently. Focus on you."
354
00:15:40.125 --> 00:15:41.291
[laughter]
355
00:15:41.375 --> 00:15:45.333
Dave's not canceled. Know how you'll know
if Dave Chappelle is canceled?
356
00:15:45.416 --> 00:15:47.875
If he does a weekend here.
That's how you'll know.
357
00:15:47.958 --> 00:15:50.291
[laughter]
358
00:15:51.708 --> 00:15:55.166
If you see Chappelle
live at the Den in Chicago, I'll be like,
359
00:15:55.250 --> 00:15:57.333
"They fucking got him, dude."
360
00:15:57.416 --> 00:15:59.416
[laughter]
361
00:15:59.500 --> 00:16:01.500
[applause]
362
00:16:05.083 --> 00:16:06.291
It's good you came out.
363
00:16:06.375 --> 00:16:08.791
It's good to stay off
the social media. It's poison.
364
00:16:08.875 --> 00:16:11.291
I mean, I'm on it,
but it's not good and, uh…
365
00:16:11.375 --> 00:16:15.333
TikTok is crack.
That stuff, it's not good for you.
366
00:16:15.416 --> 00:16:18.500
You know when you put down a book,
and you're like, "Ah"?
367
00:16:18.583 --> 00:16:21.500
Whenever I get off TikTok,
it's the exact opposite feeling.
368
00:16:22.000 --> 00:16:25.083
I'm on there for 20 minutes,
and I'm like, "What just happened?"
369
00:16:25.166 --> 00:16:26.208
[laughter]
370
00:16:26.291 --> 00:16:27.416
"That wasn't good."
371
00:16:28.125 --> 00:16:31.250
They get this algorithm that's for you,
so it hooks you.
372
00:16:31.333 --> 00:16:33.416
Whatever you like, it keeps you on.
373
00:16:33.500 --> 00:16:37.166
Apparently, what I like is,
uh, men eating sandwiches. That's…
374
00:16:37.250 --> 00:16:38.458
[laughter]
375
00:16:38.541 --> 00:16:39.708
That's what I like.
376
00:16:40.583 --> 00:16:43.125
They just… Usually in a car of some sort.
377
00:16:44.166 --> 00:16:45.916
They often rate the sandwich.
378
00:16:47.000 --> 00:16:48.666
I get a lot of dudes in a car, like,
379
00:16:48.750 --> 00:16:52.000
"We're gonna see if Wendy's fast food
is overrated or underrated."
380
00:16:52.083 --> 00:16:52.916
Then you watch them.
381
00:16:54.958 --> 00:16:56.958
[laughter]
382
00:16:59.041 --> 00:17:00.625
"Properly rated." I'm like…
383
00:17:00.708 --> 00:17:02.250
[laughter]
384
00:17:02.333 --> 00:17:03.583
"That's all he does?"
385
00:17:04.708 --> 00:17:06.625
"Nineteen million views?"
386
00:17:07.458 --> 00:17:10.791
"I'm working pretty hard
on my act over here. Who's watching this?"
387
00:17:11.333 --> 00:17:13.500
Then he's like, "Next up, Domino's."
388
00:17:13.583 --> 00:17:16.208
And I'm like,
"I do wanna see how it's rated."
389
00:17:16.291 --> 00:17:17.333
[laughter]
390
00:17:18.250 --> 00:17:19.875
I understand the appeal.
391
00:17:22.000 --> 00:17:25.583
[chuckles] TikTok, Facebook,
and, you know… Oh, Meta.
392
00:17:25.666 --> 00:17:28.125
I'm sorry. They're Meta now. They changed.
393
00:17:29.416 --> 00:17:30.541
We're supposed to forget
394
00:17:30.625 --> 00:17:33.083
all the horrible things
they've done to all of us.
395
00:17:33.166 --> 00:17:36.000
The stealing our data.
They're like, "We're Meta. That was…"
396
00:17:36.083 --> 00:17:38.000
"That wasn't us. We're Meta now."
397
00:17:38.083 --> 00:17:40.375
It's like if Bill Cosby
was like, "Call me William."
398
00:17:40.458 --> 00:17:41.333
"I'm actually…"
399
00:17:41.416 --> 00:17:43.500
[laughter and applause]
400
00:17:43.583 --> 00:17:44.583
"Yeah, you can…"
401
00:17:45.500 --> 00:17:46.833
"You can trust me."
402
00:17:47.708 --> 00:17:48.666
"It's William."
403
00:17:48.750 --> 00:17:49.791
[laughter]
404
00:17:52.166 --> 00:17:55.500
The Ukraine situation, that's not, uh…
That's not good. That's…
405
00:17:56.666 --> 00:18:01.083
That's my astute take on the matter.
It's, uh… It's not good.
406
00:18:01.166 --> 00:18:02.375
[laughter]
407
00:18:03.333 --> 00:18:06.458
We're giving them weapons,
and Russia knows we're giving them weapons
408
00:18:06.541 --> 00:18:09.291
'cause they can read,
so that's not gonna end well.
409
00:18:09.375 --> 00:18:11.458
It's like your friend's
fighting his girlfriend,
410
00:18:11.541 --> 00:18:14.916
then, very loudly next to them,
you're like, "Call her a bitch, dude."
411
00:18:15.000 --> 00:18:16.333
[laughter]
412
00:18:19.041 --> 00:18:22.083
She's like, "What was that?
You're like, "It's for him. Don't worry."
413
00:18:22.166 --> 00:18:23.416
[laughter]
414
00:18:25.166 --> 00:18:28.166
Not good, our relationship
with the phone and the computer.
415
00:18:28.250 --> 00:18:31.291
I definitely have watched
too much porn in my life. It's not…
416
00:18:32.125 --> 00:18:33.875
It's not great, right?
417
00:18:33.958 --> 00:18:37.541
You notice when you get set up on dates.
This girl goes, "What's your type?"
418
00:18:37.625 --> 00:18:39.458
And I was like, "Uh, busty."
419
00:18:39.541 --> 00:18:41.416
[laughter]
420
00:18:41.500 --> 00:18:42.583
"Mature."
421
00:18:44.166 --> 00:18:46.583
"Neighbor, hand job." She's like, "Hm."
422
00:18:46.666 --> 00:18:47.958
[laughter]
423
00:18:49.875 --> 00:18:52.583
"Sorry, forgot you weren't
a search engine. That was…"
424
00:18:53.916 --> 00:18:57.041
They have weird porn now too.
Angry women, that's a category.
425
00:18:57.875 --> 00:18:59.333
Angry women porn.
426
00:19:00.083 --> 00:19:03.250
I don't know if you've seen it.
The woman's like, "You piece of shit."
427
00:19:03.333 --> 00:19:06.000
"You're… Oh, you're so shitty."
428
00:19:06.708 --> 00:19:09.250
I guess people
are turned on by this. I don't…
429
00:19:09.333 --> 00:19:11.666
I guess, if that's your thing,
that's the best porn
430
00:19:11.750 --> 00:19:13.708
to get caught watching by your partner.
431
00:19:14.208 --> 00:19:17.750
She just walks in, like, "What the fuck?"
And you're like, "Yes."
432
00:19:17.833 --> 00:19:19.166
[laughter]
433
00:19:20.250 --> 00:19:21.375
"Yes."
434
00:19:21.458 --> 00:19:23.666
[applause]
435
00:19:24.541 --> 00:19:27.291
This actor said he was battling
a porn addiction.
436
00:19:27.375 --> 00:19:30.750
I was like, "'Battling'?
That's a… That's a bit dramatic, huh?"
437
00:19:31.791 --> 00:19:36.833
What's that? Sounds like he's just sitting
at the keyboard, like, "Argh!"
438
00:19:36.916 --> 00:19:38.083
[laughter]
439
00:19:38.166 --> 00:19:39.083
"Argh!"
440
00:19:40.791 --> 00:19:42.375
"We won another battle today."
441
00:19:42.458 --> 00:19:43.875
[laughter]
442
00:19:43.958 --> 00:19:45.833
"But who knows what tomorrow holds?"
443
00:19:48.791 --> 00:19:52.416
I never feel good after I watch it.
Every time I watch porn, I'm like, "Ugh."
444
00:19:52.916 --> 00:19:54.000
"Same time tomorrow."
445
00:19:54.083 --> 00:19:55.041
"But that was…"
446
00:19:55.125 --> 00:19:55.958
[laughter]
447
00:19:56.041 --> 00:19:57.250
"…just disgusting."
448
00:19:58.500 --> 00:20:00.541
I don't feel represented in these films.
449
00:20:01.125 --> 00:20:04.250
I've never seen one where the guy is,
90 seconds in, "I'm gonna come,"
450
00:20:04.333 --> 00:20:06.458
and then the woman is like, "That's okay."
451
00:20:06.541 --> 00:20:08.583
[laughter]
452
00:20:08.666 --> 00:20:12.375
Then he's like, "Let me lay here a second.
I had pad Thai for lunch, so…"
453
00:20:12.458 --> 00:20:13.875
[laughter]
454
00:20:15.708 --> 00:20:17.041
Specific genre.
455
00:20:17.125 --> 00:20:18.750
[laughter]
456
00:20:20.166 --> 00:20:21.583
What do you guys think?
457
00:20:21.666 --> 00:20:24.666
One-night-stand sex or relationship sex?
What's the preference?
458
00:20:24.750 --> 00:20:25.875
[man] One night.
459
00:20:25.958 --> 00:20:27.500
One night? Who said that?
460
00:20:27.583 --> 00:20:29.541
Right there. Why do you prefer it, sir?
461
00:20:30.125 --> 00:20:33.000
-[man] Easy. No attachments.
-No attachment, all right.
462
00:20:33.083 --> 00:20:35.833
I could have guessed
by the backwards cap, I suppose.
463
00:20:35.916 --> 00:20:36.833
That's, uh…
464
00:20:36.916 --> 00:20:38.833
[Sam chuckles]
465
00:20:39.833 --> 00:20:41.250
"This fuckin' hat."
466
00:20:41.333 --> 00:20:42.708
[laughter]
467
00:20:42.791 --> 00:20:43.791
"I love it."
468
00:20:43.875 --> 00:20:47.500
[chuckles] And that's a…
That's a loud jacket. What is that jacket?
469
00:20:47.583 --> 00:20:49.083
My buddy gave me it. I like it.
470
00:20:49.166 --> 00:20:50.583
Your buddy gave you a…
471
00:20:50.666 --> 00:20:53.375
[laughter]
472
00:20:53.458 --> 00:20:54.333
That's a…
473
00:20:55.541 --> 00:20:57.208
That's an interesting friendship.
474
00:20:57.291 --> 00:20:58.291
[laughter]
475
00:20:59.041 --> 00:21:01.375
Are these your friends,
or you don't know them?
476
00:21:01.458 --> 00:21:04.000
Nah, these are just
some guys we met tonight.
477
00:21:04.083 --> 00:21:05.208
Oh, all right.
478
00:21:05.291 --> 00:21:07.125
You play your cards right, you can get…
479
00:21:07.625 --> 00:21:08.875
You might get another jacket.
480
00:21:09.375 --> 00:21:12.375
You know, that's… two jackets.
481
00:21:12.458 --> 00:21:14.666
[applause]
482
00:21:14.750 --> 00:21:15.916
[Sam chuckles]
483
00:21:16.666 --> 00:21:19.875
That's… No, it's tough.
Single is tough. It's tough to, you know…
484
00:21:20.500 --> 00:21:22.083
I like relationship sex,
485
00:21:22.166 --> 00:21:24.583
because when you finish,
you're like, "Oh, good."
486
00:21:25.208 --> 00:21:27.041
[laughter]
487
00:21:27.125 --> 00:21:31.041
Isn't that crazy,
to come and not be miserable?
488
00:21:31.125 --> 00:21:33.125
[laughter]
489
00:21:34.291 --> 00:21:35.958
Every time I come,
490
00:21:36.041 --> 00:21:39.125
I get that post-nut clarity,
like, "What have I done?"
491
00:21:39.208 --> 00:21:40.458
[laughter]
492
00:21:40.541 --> 00:21:43.291
You think that happens to pedophiles?
You think, uh…
493
00:21:43.375 --> 00:21:44.958
-[audience gasps]
-All right.
494
00:21:45.041 --> 00:21:46.333
[audience groans]
495
00:21:46.416 --> 00:21:47.541
[Sam chuckles]
496
00:21:47.625 --> 00:21:51.791
You think pedos nut, and they're like,
"Just take the candy and go. I really…"
497
00:21:53.458 --> 00:21:54.833
"I really messed up."
498
00:21:54.916 --> 00:21:56.916
[applause]
499
00:21:58.208 --> 00:22:00.125
"Same time tomorrow." But…
500
00:22:00.208 --> 00:22:01.416
[laughter]
501
00:22:03.125 --> 00:22:05.000
Here's what I like about pedophiles.
502
00:22:06.041 --> 00:22:08.291
They never complain about my comedy.
503
00:22:08.375 --> 00:22:09.666
[laughter]
504
00:22:09.750 --> 00:22:11.875
A lot of groups, they get easily offended.
505
00:22:11.958 --> 00:22:14.708
I've noticed that pedos
tend to stay silent.
506
00:22:14.791 --> 00:22:16.000
[laughter]
507
00:22:16.083 --> 00:22:17.125
Isn't that cool?
508
00:22:18.333 --> 00:22:21.958
I've taken a lot of shots in my day.
I've never had one stand up at a show,
509
00:22:22.041 --> 00:22:22.875
"Enough."
510
00:22:22.958 --> 00:22:24.875
[laughter]
511
00:22:24.958 --> 00:22:26.791
"You crossed the line tonight, sir."
512
00:22:26.875 --> 00:22:28.791
[laughter]
513
00:22:29.708 --> 00:22:32.541
I got my hair cut a few weeks ago.
There's a kid next to me.
514
00:22:32.625 --> 00:22:36.333
When the barber was done, he goes,
"Look at you. What a handsome boy."
515
00:22:36.416 --> 00:22:39.625
That was acceptable he said that,
but it did get weird when I chimed in,
516
00:22:39.708 --> 00:22:40.833
"Hell yeah, he is."
517
00:22:40.916 --> 00:22:42.916
[laughter]
518
00:22:45.000 --> 00:22:47.250
Maybe it's 'cause of his job
it's okay he said it.
519
00:22:47.333 --> 00:22:50.208
Maybe I made it weird
'cause I licked my lips. We'll never know.
520
00:22:50.291 --> 00:22:51.208
[laughter]
521
00:22:51.291 --> 00:22:53.916
No, certain jobs,
you can compliment a kid's appearance.
522
00:22:54.000 --> 00:22:56.625
-Priest is not one of them. You can't…
-[laughter]
523
00:22:56.708 --> 00:22:58.166
They lost their privileges.
524
00:22:59.125 --> 00:23:01.625
The Catholic Church,
they're like Amazon, you know.
525
00:23:01.708 --> 00:23:03.250
They're too big to be stopped,
526
00:23:04.083 --> 00:23:07.083
they don't pay any taxes,
and they fuck the little guy, and…
527
00:23:07.166 --> 00:23:09.166
[laughter]
528
00:23:10.166 --> 00:23:11.041
[cheering]
529
00:23:11.125 --> 00:23:11.958
But…
530
00:23:12.041 --> 00:23:14.041
[cheering and applause]
531
00:23:16.375 --> 00:23:18.750
Rabbis do it too.
I don't wanna just pick on priests.
532
00:23:18.833 --> 00:23:20.541
Rabbis do it as well.
533
00:23:20.625 --> 00:23:22.875
Not as much as priests.
No one can touch those numbers.
534
00:23:22.958 --> 00:23:24.041
But they're up there.
535
00:23:24.125 --> 00:23:25.000
[laughter]
536
00:23:25.083 --> 00:23:26.375
Slightly less.
537
00:23:26.458 --> 00:23:29.416
You wanna hear my theory
why rabbis do it slightly less, as a Jew?
538
00:23:29.500 --> 00:23:31.416
Jewish kids can be pretty annoying.
539
00:23:31.500 --> 00:23:32.708
[laughter]
540
00:23:33.458 --> 00:23:35.125
No one wants to molest a seven-year-old
541
00:23:35.208 --> 00:23:37.708
who's like, "Do I have to get on my knees?
They're pretty achy."
542
00:23:37.791 --> 00:23:40.000
-You know, like, "Oh my God."
-[laughter]
543
00:23:40.083 --> 00:23:44.541
"And my allergies."
You're like, "Oh my God, this is brutal."
544
00:23:47.458 --> 00:23:48.875
[stomping]
545
00:23:50.250 --> 00:23:51.916
[Sam chuckles]
546
00:23:52.000 --> 00:23:54.000
I think a priest just left. But…
547
00:23:54.583 --> 00:23:55.791
I don't know.
548
00:23:55.875 --> 00:23:57.875
[applause]
549
00:24:02.875 --> 00:24:03.791
[Sam chuckles]
550
00:24:04.583 --> 00:24:07.083
My type is, uh, depressed women.
551
00:24:09.250 --> 00:24:11.125
My friend was like, "You like that?"
I said, "No,
552
00:24:11.208 --> 00:24:13.333
but that's who keep showing up."
So that's…
553
00:24:13.416 --> 00:24:14.333
[laughter]
554
00:24:14.416 --> 00:24:15.416
Time to own it.
555
00:24:16.458 --> 00:24:20.333
There's something about depressed women.
I always assume they have more depth.
556
00:24:21.583 --> 00:24:24.791
'Cause she's so sad,
I'm like, "She must feel deeply."
557
00:24:24.875 --> 00:24:28.000
Then we hang out, and I'm like,
"Nah, just a bummer. You're just a…"
558
00:24:28.083 --> 00:24:29.208
[laughter]
559
00:24:31.083 --> 00:24:32.083
"Just a bummer."
560
00:24:32.166 --> 00:24:35.041
I get turned on. I'm like, "How are you?"
She's like, "Terrible."
561
00:24:35.708 --> 00:24:37.875
"This chick gets it, dude. She just…"
562
00:24:38.708 --> 00:24:41.208
"She sees through
the bullshit that is life."
563
00:24:41.291 --> 00:24:42.125
[laughter]
564
00:24:46.000 --> 00:24:47.083
Depression, it's tough.
565
00:24:47.166 --> 00:24:49.500
I told my mom I was depressed once,
and she goes,
566
00:24:49.583 --> 00:24:50.791
"But you're so tall."
567
00:24:51.291 --> 00:24:54.083
[laughter]
568
00:24:55.083 --> 00:24:57.291
I don't know what that means.
It's like, if I hang myself,
569
00:24:57.375 --> 00:24:59.125
my feet are gonna touch the ground.
570
00:24:59.750 --> 00:25:00.916
I mean, I am tall.
571
00:25:01.000 --> 00:25:02.333
[laughter]
572
00:25:06.000 --> 00:25:08.833
-I'm in therapy, obviously.
-[audience member] Woo!
573
00:25:08.916 --> 00:25:12.041
Thank you. I'll take that. Why not?
You know what therapy's taught me?
574
00:25:12.125 --> 00:25:14.958
If a woman tells me she's upset with me,
to say, "I understand."
575
00:25:15.458 --> 00:25:16.958
Instead of, uh, "Here we go."
576
00:25:17.041 --> 00:25:18.916
[laughter]
577
00:25:20.375 --> 00:25:21.625
They don't like that one.
578
00:25:22.416 --> 00:25:24.541
Drinking's good too.
I do drinking and therapy.
579
00:25:24.625 --> 00:25:25.916
It's a good balance.
580
00:25:26.666 --> 00:25:29.916
Bartenders are basically therapists.
They listen, they take your money.
581
00:25:30.000 --> 00:25:32.166
Sometimes they even tell you
when it's time to go.
582
00:25:32.250 --> 00:25:33.291
[laughter]
583
00:25:33.375 --> 00:25:36.625
A bartender will give you a free round
every once in a while.
584
00:25:36.708 --> 00:25:39.250
-I've never met a therapist that cool.
-[laughter]
585
00:25:39.333 --> 00:25:42.333
Very few therapists are like,
"Oh, you were molested?"
586
00:25:42.416 --> 00:25:43.791
"This shit's on the house."
587
00:25:43.875 --> 00:25:45.875
[laughter]
588
00:25:46.791 --> 00:25:47.958
"You earned it, buddy."
589
00:25:48.041 --> 00:25:49.125
[laughter]
590
00:25:50.166 --> 00:25:52.416
What's important
in a relationship? Movies.
591
00:25:52.500 --> 00:25:55.250
I'm a big movie guy.
I love watching movies.
592
00:25:55.333 --> 00:25:58.500
Ever show someone one of your favorite
movies and they don't pay full attention?
593
00:25:58.583 --> 00:26:01.041
Makes me crazy. I know, it's brutal.
594
00:26:01.958 --> 00:26:05.125
I showed my ex one of my favorite movies,
seven minutes in, she tries to have sex.
595
00:26:05.208 --> 00:26:07.916
-I was like, "What are you doing?"
-[laughter]
596
00:26:08.000 --> 00:26:09.916
She goes, "You're not gonna have sex?"
597
00:26:10.000 --> 00:26:12.250
I said, "I'll fuck you
during a movie you pick."
598
00:26:12.333 --> 00:26:14.208
[laughter]
599
00:26:14.291 --> 00:26:16.458
"I don't wanna have sex
during Dog Day Afternoon."
600
00:26:16.541 --> 00:26:17.875
"It's in my top five."
601
00:26:17.958 --> 00:26:18.875
[laughter]
602
00:26:18.958 --> 00:26:22.500
"I'll totally bang you
during Pride and Prejudice 2005 or…"
603
00:26:22.583 --> 00:26:24.666
-[woman] Oh!
-Yeah, yeah, I said it.
604
00:26:24.750 --> 00:26:26.375
[laughter]
605
00:26:26.458 --> 00:26:29.166
"Is there a Jane Austen adaptation
you wanna watch? Throw it on."
606
00:26:29.250 --> 00:26:31.083
"I'll be rock hard and ready to go."
607
00:26:31.791 --> 00:26:33.166
"And I'm doing it for you."
608
00:26:35.625 --> 00:26:38.791
I have more confidence in my movie taste
than my sexual ability.
609
00:26:39.875 --> 00:26:41.166
I can defend the movie.
610
00:26:41.916 --> 00:26:44.083
[laughter]
611
00:26:44.166 --> 00:26:48.250
If I fuck you and you're disappointed,
I can't be like, "You just didn't get it."
612
00:26:48.333 --> 00:26:50.375
[laughter]
613
00:26:50.458 --> 00:26:51.875
"It was ahead of its time."
614
00:26:51.958 --> 00:26:53.708
[laughter]
615
00:26:53.791 --> 00:26:57.291
Did you do that to him?
I saw you react. What… What movie was it?
616
00:26:57.375 --> 00:26:58.583
[laughter]
617
00:26:58.666 --> 00:27:00.291
What movie are we talking?
618
00:27:00.375 --> 00:27:01.791
[woman] Fantastic Beasts.
619
00:27:01.875 --> 00:27:03.291
Fantastic Beasts?
620
00:27:04.083 --> 00:27:06.000
I don't even know what that is.
What is it?
621
00:27:06.083 --> 00:27:07.333
It's Harry Potter.
622
00:27:07.416 --> 00:27:10.250
Oh, Harry Potter.
Yeah, I got laid in high school. Uh…
623
00:27:10.333 --> 00:27:11.708
-[laughter]
-[Sam] Sorry, I…
624
00:27:11.791 --> 00:27:13.791
[laughter and applause]
625
00:27:16.666 --> 00:27:19.333
How many of these superhero movies
are they gonna make?
626
00:27:20.000 --> 00:27:23.375
Ever see a trailer where you can't tell
if it's a superhero origin story
627
00:27:23.458 --> 00:27:24.916
or about a special needs kid?
628
00:27:25.000 --> 00:27:26.583
[laughter]
629
00:27:27.375 --> 00:27:29.666
Some guy comes on. "Your son is…
630
00:27:29.750 --> 00:27:30.583
different."
631
00:27:30.666 --> 00:27:31.750
[laughter]
632
00:27:31.833 --> 00:27:34.791
Is he gonna save the city,
or is he really good at math?
633
00:27:34.875 --> 00:27:35.875
[laughter]
634
00:27:36.666 --> 00:27:39.208
"Starring Jesse Eisenberg."
635
00:27:39.791 --> 00:27:41.083
I still don't know. I…
636
00:27:41.166 --> 00:27:43.166
[laughter]
637
00:27:43.750 --> 00:27:45.250
"Marvel presents,
638
00:27:45.333 --> 00:27:46.791
Doctor Helmet." Hm?
639
00:27:46.875 --> 00:27:48.875
[laughter]
640
00:27:51.416 --> 00:27:55.333
That joke, uh, bombed five straight shows
in Portland, Oregon, and…
641
00:27:55.416 --> 00:27:56.791
[laughter]
642
00:27:56.875 --> 00:27:59.208
…I thought, "I think
I have to drop this joke."
643
00:28:00.291 --> 00:28:02.291
And then I did it in St. Louis, Missouri,
644
00:28:02.375 --> 00:28:05.125
and I was like,
"I think this is my best joke." This is…
645
00:28:05.208 --> 00:28:06.041
[laughter]
646
00:28:06.125 --> 00:28:07.208
"This is crushing."
647
00:28:09.666 --> 00:28:11.375
[chuckles] You gotta tour.
648
00:28:13.541 --> 00:28:15.291
Hit the different cities, you know?
649
00:28:16.375 --> 00:28:19.083
I hooked up with a mother of six recently,
on the road.
650
00:28:20.291 --> 00:28:23.375
I was in Utah. It was the lowest number
I could find, and, uh…
651
00:28:23.458 --> 00:28:24.958
[laughter]
652
00:28:25.041 --> 00:28:26.125
I… [chuckles]
653
00:28:26.208 --> 00:28:27.833
[cheering and applause]
654
00:28:30.541 --> 00:28:32.000
This is gonna sound filthy here,
655
00:28:32.083 --> 00:28:34.750
but at one point,
she stuck her tongue up my butt.
656
00:28:35.583 --> 00:28:37.791
Her idea.
I would never propose such a thing.
657
00:28:38.625 --> 00:28:41.083
Her phone rang.
It was one of her six kids.
658
00:28:41.166 --> 00:28:43.958
She removed her tongue
to attend to her child.
659
00:28:44.583 --> 00:28:46.708
I was like,
"That's a good mother right there."
660
00:28:47.208 --> 00:28:51.083
Next day, I had to call my mom to check in
and my mom said, "Now is not a good time."
661
00:28:51.166 --> 00:28:53.958
I was like,
"What the fuck are you doing, Mom?"
662
00:28:54.041 --> 00:28:55.375
[laughter]
663
00:28:55.458 --> 00:28:57.458
"What the fuck are you doing?"
664
00:28:58.291 --> 00:29:00.291
[applause]
665
00:29:02.166 --> 00:29:07.083
Shit, no, I've been on those dating apps.
They're fucking crazy. They're terrible.
666
00:29:07.166 --> 00:29:10.916
I saw a woman on there
who just said, uh, first words, "Loyalty."
667
00:29:11.750 --> 00:29:12.750
"Respect."
668
00:29:12.833 --> 00:29:15.208
I was like, "Are you Tony Soprano?
What the hell?"
669
00:29:15.291 --> 00:29:16.333
[laughter]
670
00:29:16.416 --> 00:29:17.875
"Gabagool"? What the…
671
00:29:17.958 --> 00:29:19.875
[laughter]
672
00:29:20.541 --> 00:29:24.291
I scrolled down.
It said, "No misogyny. No homophobia."
673
00:29:24.375 --> 00:29:27.875
So I message her, "Please suck my dick
so I can prove I'm not gay."
674
00:29:27.958 --> 00:29:29.958
[laughter]
675
00:29:33.250 --> 00:29:36.916
My neck is messed up.
I had to, you know, see a doctor.
676
00:29:37.000 --> 00:29:38.583
My neck is killing me.
677
00:29:38.666 --> 00:29:40.000
I got two herniated discs.
678
00:29:40.083 --> 00:29:42.416
I'm sitting on the subway
'cause I'm in pain.
679
00:29:42.500 --> 00:29:43.791
This older lady walks over.
680
00:29:43.875 --> 00:29:46.625
She goes, "In my day,
a man would give his seat to a woman."
681
00:29:46.708 --> 00:29:48.875
I said, "We've come a long way,
haven't we?"
682
00:29:48.958 --> 00:29:50.125
[laughter]
683
00:29:52.250 --> 00:29:53.416
"I'm very progressive."
684
00:29:53.500 --> 00:29:54.791
[laughter]
685
00:29:54.875 --> 00:29:58.791
No, I went to the doctor. He said,
"It's C5 and C6. It's pretty bad."
686
00:29:58.875 --> 00:30:00.583
"You gotta get that checked out."
687
00:30:00.666 --> 00:30:04.333
He said, "Yeah, no going down on a woman
for a while 'cause of your neck."
688
00:30:04.416 --> 00:30:06.625
And I was like…
That made me feel kinda cool.
689
00:30:06.708 --> 00:30:07.791
[laughter]
690
00:30:07.875 --> 00:30:10.791
I was like, "Clearly,
that's what brought me in here, Doc."
691
00:30:11.541 --> 00:30:13.500
"I must have OD'd on poontang and…
692
00:30:13.583 --> 00:30:14.833
[laughter]
693
00:30:14.916 --> 00:30:16.750
…messed up the old spine."
694
00:30:16.833 --> 00:30:17.791
[laughter]
695
00:30:18.500 --> 00:30:20.041
A woman will ask me to go down on her,
696
00:30:20.125 --> 00:30:23.125
I say, "I will not. I have a doctor's note
from Mount Sinai."
697
00:30:23.208 --> 00:30:24.083
[laughter]
698
00:30:24.166 --> 00:30:25.000
"Sorry."
699
00:30:25.875 --> 00:30:26.958
[man] Michael Douglas.
700
00:30:27.041 --> 00:30:30.916
Michael Douglas, yeah. What do you think?
You think that's real?
701
00:30:31.000 --> 00:30:32.375
No, I mean, he got cancer.
702
00:30:32.458 --> 00:30:35.416
-[Sam] He blamed Catherine Zeta-Jones.
-Yeah.
703
00:30:35.500 --> 00:30:36.583
That's fucking weird.
704
00:30:36.666 --> 00:30:37.583
[laughter]
705
00:30:37.666 --> 00:30:38.666
Isn't it?
706
00:30:39.250 --> 00:30:41.833
-That's how my dad got cancer.
-[Sam] How your dad got cancer?
707
00:30:41.916 --> 00:30:44.291
He ate out Catherine Zeta-Jones?
That's crazy.
708
00:30:44.375 --> 00:30:46.250
[laughter and applause]
709
00:30:46.333 --> 00:30:47.291
That's nutty.
710
00:30:49.125 --> 00:30:51.708
-[man] Same type.
-Same type. Is he all right?
711
00:30:51.791 --> 00:30:52.958
Well, he died.
712
00:30:53.041 --> 00:30:54.583
[Sam] Oh, jeez.
713
00:30:54.666 --> 00:30:56.708
I love… I love eating pussy, though.
714
00:30:56.791 --> 00:30:58.458
You love eating pussy?
715
00:30:58.541 --> 00:31:01.625
[chuckles] Maybe you didn't say that
at the funeral, I hope.
716
00:31:01.708 --> 00:31:02.625
[laughter]
717
00:31:02.708 --> 00:31:06.416
He's like, "Look, I miss my dad,
but cunnilingus is the shit, so…"
718
00:31:06.500 --> 00:31:08.166
[laughter]
719
00:31:08.250 --> 00:31:09.458
I didn't know yet.
720
00:31:09.541 --> 00:31:10.958
-[Sam] You didn't know?
-I was 13.
721
00:31:11.041 --> 00:31:13.625
[Sam] That's a weird thing
to be told, I guess.
722
00:31:13.708 --> 00:31:15.750
"Your dad's dying." "What happened?"
723
00:31:15.833 --> 00:31:17.833
"He was a beaver man. I don't know."
724
00:31:18.458 --> 00:31:19.416
"He…"
725
00:31:20.750 --> 00:31:25.166
[chuckles] For some reason, they wrote,
"Can't stop, won't stop" on his tombstone.
726
00:31:25.250 --> 00:31:27.250
[laughter]
727
00:31:28.000 --> 00:31:29.291
I mean, wow.
728
00:31:29.375 --> 00:31:30.583
What are you drinking?
729
00:31:31.375 --> 00:31:33.500
A Modelo and a tequila soda.
730
00:31:33.583 --> 00:31:35.166
[Sam] You're doubling it?
731
00:31:35.250 --> 00:31:36.875
Well, I got two drinks 'cause the--
732
00:31:36.958 --> 00:31:39.375
[Sam] Two drinks.
No, I know how it works. Let's…
733
00:31:39.458 --> 00:31:40.750
[laughter]
734
00:31:40.833 --> 00:31:43.041
Let this guy…
Let's get him another tequila.
735
00:31:43.916 --> 00:31:46.708
And pour out a Modelo
for his dad who ate a lot of pussy.
736
00:31:47.625 --> 00:31:50.083
-[cheering]
-[Sam] That's… Yeah.
737
00:31:50.666 --> 00:31:53.375
Liquor before beer, you're in the clear.
Beer before liquor…
738
00:31:53.458 --> 00:31:55.666
-[audience] Never been sicker.
-You guys know it.
739
00:31:56.166 --> 00:31:58.708
-Lot of professionals in the house.
-[laughter]
740
00:31:58.791 --> 00:32:01.083
You don't have a problem
if you're doing the rhyme.
741
00:32:01.166 --> 00:32:05.250
I don't think there's anyone out there
like, "Wait, Quaaludes before crack, uh…"
742
00:32:06.000 --> 00:32:08.166
"Never get my kids back? I don't…"
743
00:32:08.250 --> 00:32:10.250
[laughter]
744
00:32:13.041 --> 00:32:15.791
Tequila's a good one.
Is that your drink of choice?
745
00:32:15.875 --> 00:32:16.833
[man] Whiskey.
746
00:32:16.916 --> 00:32:18.208
You're a whiskey guy?
747
00:32:18.750 --> 00:32:22.166
Whiskey's my favorite, probably,
but, you know, it's an adventure.
748
00:32:22.250 --> 00:32:24.208
Bad shit happens on whiskey.
749
00:32:24.291 --> 00:32:26.916
Wine is my second favorite
'cause it's sloppy.
750
00:32:27.000 --> 00:32:28.541
Worst case, gossip.
751
00:32:28.625 --> 00:32:29.916
[laughter]
752
00:32:30.000 --> 00:32:31.375
Right? What's gonna happen?
753
00:32:31.458 --> 00:32:34.916
I have a few glasses of red wine,
I'll talk shit about someone I love.
754
00:32:35.000 --> 00:32:35.875
[laughter]
755
00:32:35.958 --> 00:32:37.958
Kill a bottle, feel classy.
756
00:32:39.250 --> 00:32:41.750
I feel like fewer people
are waking up in a dumpster like,
757
00:32:41.833 --> 00:32:43.125
"Pinot again, dude."
758
00:32:43.208 --> 00:32:44.833
[laughter]
759
00:32:44.916 --> 00:32:46.000
"It's a problem."
760
00:32:48.291 --> 00:32:49.458
No, whiskey's good.
761
00:32:49.541 --> 00:32:52.000
Tequila's good, though,
'cause he's doing the soda,
762
00:32:52.083 --> 00:32:53.541
so the hangover's not as bad.
763
00:32:53.625 --> 00:32:56.208
'Cause my body, it's… It's going downhill.
764
00:32:57.083 --> 00:32:58.958
The process has already started.
765
00:32:59.541 --> 00:33:03.375
I don't mean to be too crass here,
but my jizz has started to lose its oomph.
766
00:33:03.458 --> 00:33:04.791
[laughter]
767
00:33:04.875 --> 00:33:07.375
It used to shoot out of my penis
like an Avenger.
768
00:33:07.458 --> 00:33:10.666
Now it hobbles out
like a musician on his farewell tour.
769
00:33:10.750 --> 00:33:12.916
[laughter]
770
00:33:13.000 --> 00:33:16.625
I think I went from Iron Man
to Neil Young. What the hell happened?
771
00:33:17.250 --> 00:33:18.666
You can almost hear the jizz going,
772
00:33:18.750 --> 00:33:22.291
♪ "Old man, take a look at my life.
"It's a lot like you." ♪
773
00:33:22.375 --> 00:33:24.375
[laughter]
774
00:33:25.125 --> 00:33:28.583
It's not on Spotify anymore,
so I thought I'd give you a taste, but…
775
00:33:30.250 --> 00:33:31.125
[Sam chuckles]
776
00:33:36.333 --> 00:33:38.750
No, this is a good city, Chicago. It is.
777
00:33:38.833 --> 00:33:41.958
You're a good time,
and, you know, I can't, uh, drive, so…
778
00:33:42.041 --> 00:33:43.750
[laughter]
779
00:33:44.291 --> 00:33:45.875
This is how New York I am.
780
00:33:45.958 --> 00:33:49.916
I can't drive and I had a gay experience
when I was seven. That's pretty New York.
781
00:33:50.833 --> 00:33:54.291
I kissed a boy. I would have gone further,
but he was a fucking prude.
782
00:33:54.375 --> 00:33:55.666
[laughter]
783
00:33:56.333 --> 00:33:59.875
I was at an all-boys school,
so it was prison gay, but, uh…
784
00:33:59.958 --> 00:34:02.000
[laughter]
785
00:34:02.083 --> 00:34:04.541
When you're a teenager
and your friends ask,
786
00:34:04.625 --> 00:34:07.541
"Who was your first kiss?"
I'd always be like, "I don't remember."
787
00:34:07.625 --> 00:34:08.541
I remember.
788
00:34:08.625 --> 00:34:10.291
[laughter]
789
00:34:10.375 --> 00:34:13.416
A young boy named Charlie
with full lips and a fat ass.
790
00:34:13.500 --> 00:34:15.750
[laughter]
791
00:34:15.833 --> 00:34:17.250
That kid rocked.
792
00:34:17.333 --> 00:34:20.083
[applause]
793
00:34:20.166 --> 00:34:23.416
You do gay stuff at an all-boys school.
You don't even think about it.
794
00:34:23.500 --> 00:34:26.208
I remember, we were 13,
we used to masturbate together.
795
00:34:26.291 --> 00:34:27.916
[quiet laughter]
796
00:34:28.000 --> 00:34:31.208
Yeah, you're not ready for this one,
Chicago. Too bad. It's coming.
797
00:34:31.291 --> 00:34:32.791
[laughter]
798
00:34:32.875 --> 00:34:35.333
We used to…
We used to jack off in a group.
799
00:34:35.833 --> 00:34:36.666
Uh…
800
00:34:36.750 --> 00:34:38.375
-[laughter]
-[man] Yeah!
801
00:34:38.458 --> 00:34:41.708
Yeah. I told this to my friend.
He goes, "I did that too. I was 22."
802
00:34:41.791 --> 00:34:43.625
I was like, "Different thing." But…
803
00:34:43.708 --> 00:34:45.208
[laughter]
804
00:34:45.291 --> 00:34:48.083
No one else who ever did that? No?
805
00:34:48.666 --> 00:34:50.750
-My brother.
-You did it with your brother?
806
00:34:50.833 --> 00:34:51.958
[man] No, no, no, no.
807
00:34:52.041 --> 00:34:55.250
I was… I was at my computer
playing video games.
808
00:34:55.333 --> 00:34:59.208
My brother and his friends
were jacking off to porn on the TV.
809
00:35:00.666 --> 00:35:02.291
Sounds like quite the household.
810
00:35:02.375 --> 00:35:03.541
[laughter]
811
00:35:06.333 --> 00:35:08.000
Your brother… In the same room?
812
00:35:08.708 --> 00:35:10.458
-I'm his dad.
-Yeah.
813
00:35:10.541 --> 00:35:12.541
[laughter]
814
00:35:16.958 --> 00:35:19.166
You're… You're… You're the dad?
815
00:35:19.916 --> 00:35:22.166
Did it get difficult holding the camera?
816
00:35:22.250 --> 00:35:24.250
[laughter]
817
00:35:29.416 --> 00:35:31.166
What were they jerking off to?
818
00:35:32.166 --> 00:35:34.208
[laughter]
819
00:35:35.208 --> 00:35:36.083
It was porn.
820
00:35:37.125 --> 00:35:38.291
That's the stuff.
821
00:35:38.375 --> 00:35:40.375
[laughter]
822
00:35:43.583 --> 00:35:47.333
You know… Yeah. No, I… I…
We were terrible. We were… Four of us.
823
00:35:47.416 --> 00:35:51.000
My friend, Jesse. Short, fat kid.
Enormous cock. And, uh…
824
00:35:51.083 --> 00:35:52.125
[laughter]
825
00:35:52.208 --> 00:35:54.875
So big that when I saw it,
I wasn't even jealous, I was like,
826
00:35:54.958 --> 00:35:55.916
"Hell yeah, dude."
827
00:35:56.000 --> 00:35:56.875
[laughter]
828
00:35:56.958 --> 00:36:00.875
"God is good." That was my reaction
to his… To his penis.
829
00:36:00.958 --> 00:36:02.166
I was like, "Hell yeah."
830
00:36:02.958 --> 00:36:04.500
"Jesse's packing heat."
831
00:36:04.583 --> 00:36:05.916
[laughter]
832
00:36:06.000 --> 00:36:07.708
Not just big for a 13-year-old.
833
00:36:07.791 --> 00:36:11.250
Like, if that thing stayed on track,
he is a problem right now, but…
834
00:36:11.333 --> 00:36:13.541
[laughter]
835
00:36:14.125 --> 00:36:16.458
We'd go to the store,
and the guy would hook it up.
836
00:36:16.541 --> 00:36:19.875
He would just be like,
"Take some free porn. You're good kids."
837
00:36:19.958 --> 00:36:23.708
We'd buy one MILF porn DVD. He'd be like,
"Take some Black and Asian on the house."
838
00:36:23.791 --> 00:36:26.333
We'd be like, "Wow, this is a great guy."
839
00:36:27.083 --> 00:36:29.833
Looking back, he probably
was not a great guy, but…
840
00:36:29.916 --> 00:36:30.833
[laughter]
841
00:36:30.916 --> 00:36:32.625
…he did help, and, uh…
842
00:36:32.708 --> 00:36:34.958
We'd watch porn.
At first, it was just like SportsCenter.
843
00:36:35.041 --> 00:36:36.250
Like, "That was crazy."
844
00:36:36.333 --> 00:36:39.625
Then one day, Jesse, he goes for it.
He just starts masturbating.
845
00:36:39.708 --> 00:36:42.708
We all looked at each other, like,
"What the hell is this guy doing?"
846
00:36:43.208 --> 00:36:46.166
Cut to a week later,
we're passing lotion around the room
847
00:36:47.041 --> 00:36:49.291
like it's a whiskey in the war.
848
00:36:49.375 --> 00:36:51.375
[laughter]
849
00:36:52.583 --> 00:36:55.708
What was he doing? Breaking barriers.
That's what he was doing.
850
00:36:56.583 --> 00:36:57.666
We kept it civilized.
851
00:36:57.750 --> 00:36:59.416
We used pillows to shield our penises
852
00:36:59.500 --> 00:37:02.000
to give it the feel of a gentlemen's club,
if you will.
853
00:37:02.083 --> 00:37:03.625
[laughter]
854
00:37:03.708 --> 00:37:05.625
There's always one kid who finishes first.
855
00:37:05.708 --> 00:37:08.416
He's always like, "I'm out,"
like it's a game of cards.
856
00:37:08.500 --> 00:37:09.375
[laughter]
857
00:37:09.458 --> 00:37:11.208
Same kid every time.
858
00:37:11.291 --> 00:37:14.000
It was never Jesse.
The bastard had endurance too, but…
859
00:37:14.083 --> 00:37:15.291
[laughter]
860
00:37:15.375 --> 00:37:18.500
This is the point I like to imagine
there's a guy in the crowd on a first date
861
00:37:18.583 --> 00:37:21.833
and he feels the need to turn to her
and go, "This is disgusting."
862
00:37:21.916 --> 00:37:22.750
But…
863
00:37:22.833 --> 00:37:23.958
[laughter]
864
00:37:24.041 --> 00:37:25.708
…deep down, he's got a secret.
865
00:37:25.791 --> 00:37:26.958
[laughter]
866
00:37:27.041 --> 00:37:29.125
Under the table, he texts a group thread,
867
00:37:29.208 --> 00:37:30.458
"Tell no one."
868
00:37:30.541 --> 00:37:32.541
[laughter]
869
00:37:34.500 --> 00:37:37.291
I don't think my friends are gonna say
anything. Two of them, I trust,
870
00:37:37.375 --> 00:37:38.916
and the other one is dead, so…
871
00:37:40.291 --> 00:37:43.250
Heroin. It wasn't masturbation related.
It's not on me, but…
872
00:37:44.000 --> 00:37:46.958
Great guy. It was heartbreaking.
He was a really terrific guy.
873
00:37:47.041 --> 00:37:49.958
But you don't have to tighten up here.
He would have found this hilarious.
874
00:37:50.458 --> 00:37:53.166
I know there's always one person
thinking, "How do you know?"
875
00:37:53.250 --> 00:37:56.125
We used to jack off together, so…
876
00:37:56.208 --> 00:37:57.833
[laughter]
877
00:37:58.666 --> 00:37:59.875
[cheering]
878
00:37:59.958 --> 00:38:02.375
You get to know a man
under those circumstances.
879
00:38:02.458 --> 00:38:03.375
[laughter]
880
00:38:07.333 --> 00:38:09.416
When I was in school, there were, uh…
881
00:38:09.500 --> 00:38:12.125
We're in the home stretch here.
Don't worry. [laughs]
882
00:38:12.916 --> 00:38:14.291
You've been terrific, but…
883
00:38:15.000 --> 00:38:17.416
When I was in school,
there were fewer mass shootings,
884
00:38:17.500 --> 00:38:21.333
so every once in a while, we would
poke a kid to see if he had it in him and…
885
00:38:21.416 --> 00:38:22.875
[laughter]
886
00:38:24.708 --> 00:38:26.333
I do not feel good about this.
887
00:38:27.000 --> 00:38:30.958
There was this one kid. Bit of a weirdo.
Unless he's here, then he's great. But…
888
00:38:31.041 --> 00:38:31.958
[laughter]
889
00:38:32.041 --> 00:38:35.125
He was a fun kid. I liked him.
He would speak out of place and time.
890
00:38:35.208 --> 00:38:37.625
He would say things like,
"A little birdie told me."
891
00:38:37.708 --> 00:38:38.833
Great expression.
892
00:38:38.916 --> 00:38:41.041
-[laughter]
-One of the best expressions.
893
00:38:41.125 --> 00:38:43.458
Always light, gossipy. Never depressing.
894
00:38:43.541 --> 00:38:47.166
Never like, "A little birdie told me,
uh, Bob is HIV positive."
895
00:38:47.250 --> 00:38:48.333
[laughter]
896
00:38:48.958 --> 00:38:50.291
"Is he gonna be okay?"
897
00:38:50.375 --> 00:38:52.458
"That's all the bird said. It was…"
898
00:38:53.333 --> 00:38:54.541
"It was a vague bird."
899
00:38:56.416 --> 00:38:58.958
I read this article
that said the way we speak to animals
900
00:38:59.041 --> 00:39:01.708
is often the way we wish
we were spoken to ourselves.
901
00:39:01.791 --> 00:39:04.375
I'm like, "That's not true."
But then I was on a date.
902
00:39:04.458 --> 00:39:06.666
She walks up to this dog.
She goes, "Look at you."
903
00:39:07.166 --> 00:39:10.333
"Look how little and thin you are."
I was like, "Wait a second."
904
00:39:11.291 --> 00:39:13.166
Without thinking, I went up to the dog,
905
00:39:13.250 --> 00:39:15.916
and I was like,
"You deserve to get your dick sucked."
906
00:39:16.000 --> 00:39:17.125
[laughter]
907
00:39:17.208 --> 00:39:18.750
"You're a cool dude."
908
00:39:18.833 --> 00:39:20.083
[laughter]
909
00:39:20.166 --> 00:39:23.125
The woman was like,
"Please stop talking to my Labradoodle."
910
00:39:23.208 --> 00:39:24.708
[laughter]
911
00:39:29.000 --> 00:39:31.375
I was teasing this kid.
We were young. I regret it.
912
00:39:31.458 --> 00:39:33.375
But he snapped. He goes, "That's it."
913
00:39:33.458 --> 00:39:35.833
"I'm bringing a gun to school.
I'm gonna shoot you."
914
00:39:35.916 --> 00:39:38.416
Everyone gasps, and he goes,
"I'm gonna shoot all of you."
915
00:39:38.500 --> 00:39:41.083
And they all looked at me like,
"Thanks a lot, Sam."
916
00:39:41.166 --> 00:39:42.291
[laughter]
917
00:39:42.375 --> 00:39:47.333
And I had to be like, "Sorry, guys.
This potential massacre, totally on me."
918
00:39:47.416 --> 00:39:48.500
[laughter]
919
00:39:48.583 --> 00:39:52.125
He got suspended two weeks.
I don't know how you land on a number.
920
00:39:52.708 --> 00:39:55.916
[chuckles] They're like,
"He said he's gonna kill everybody?"
921
00:39:56.000 --> 00:39:57.375
"Fourteen days. That…"
922
00:39:57.458 --> 00:39:58.708
[laughter]
923
00:39:58.791 --> 00:40:00.458
"It'll be out of his system."
924
00:40:00.541 --> 00:40:03.583
Like he's gonna come back then.
"Cured. All that…"
925
00:40:04.250 --> 00:40:07.375
"All that alone time with my thoughts
was really good for me."
926
00:40:08.375 --> 00:40:10.375
"You can read about it in my manifesto."
927
00:40:10.458 --> 00:40:11.958
[laughter]
928
00:40:12.041 --> 00:40:14.625
It was the end of the year.
He went to a different school.
929
00:40:14.708 --> 00:40:16.000
He never came back.
930
00:40:16.083 --> 00:40:18.000
Next time I see him, 12 years later,
931
00:40:18.083 --> 00:40:20.500
I'm on stage in New York City
at the Comedy Cellar.
932
00:40:20.583 --> 00:40:24.541
I notice his face in the front row,
and my first thought was,
933
00:40:24.625 --> 00:40:26.708
"This motherfucker played the long game."
934
00:40:26.791 --> 00:40:28.625
[laughter]
935
00:40:32.208 --> 00:40:34.750
I almost respected
the way he built the suspense.
936
00:40:35.458 --> 00:40:37.833
He walks up to me after the show.
He was like, "Hey."
937
00:40:37.916 --> 00:40:40.083
He goes, "I'm a big fan."
I was like, "Thank God."
938
00:40:40.166 --> 00:40:41.666
[laughter]
939
00:40:41.750 --> 00:40:44.541
He said, "It's cool you did
the things you said you were gonna do."
940
00:40:44.625 --> 00:40:47.000
I said, "It's really cool
that you did not." So…
941
00:40:47.083 --> 00:40:48.375
[laughter]
942
00:40:48.458 --> 00:40:49.708
Thank you so much.
943
00:40:49.791 --> 00:40:51.875
Really appreciate you guys.
944
00:40:51.958 --> 00:40:55.208
Appreciate you very much.
945
00:40:55.291 --> 00:40:56.291
We really do.
946
00:40:57.333 --> 00:40:58.791
Take care, guys.
947
00:40:58.875 --> 00:41:00.875
[cheering]
948
00:41:03.416 --> 00:41:05.416
[funky music plays]
949
00:41:36.416 --> 00:41:38.958
[inaudible speech]
950
00:41:41.625 --> 00:41:44.083
[funky music continues]
951
00:41:52.041 --> 00:41:54.791
-[man] Where's Gary?
-I don't wanna fucking do this.
952
00:41:54.875 --> 00:41:56.875
[laughter]
953
00:41:59.000 --> 00:42:00.000
It's really good.
954
00:42:00.083 --> 00:42:02.333
[laughter]
955
00:42:02.416 --> 00:42:04.500
[man] I think it's hilarious that anyone…
956
00:42:04.583 --> 00:42:06.583
[funky music continues]
957
00:42:07.708 --> 00:42:11.666
I'm… I'm grateful you all came out.
It's gonna be a great night.
958
00:42:11.750 --> 00:42:12.875
Before I come out there,
959
00:42:12.958 --> 00:42:15.500
I've got one of best friends
to open the show.
960
00:42:15.583 --> 00:42:16.791
He's the best.
961
00:42:16.875 --> 00:42:19.875
You better laugh hard
because his dick doesn't work. Um…
962
00:42:19.958 --> 00:42:21.125
[laughter]
963
00:42:21.208 --> 00:42:23.416
You've seen him on Conan.
You've seen him on Colbert.
964
00:42:23.500 --> 00:42:25.500
Give it up for Gary Vider!
965
00:42:25.583 --> 00:42:27.583
[cheering]
966
00:42:28.583 --> 00:42:29.791
[man] What is your name?
967
00:42:29.875 --> 00:42:31.500
-Conor Pinto.
-[man] Conor.
968
00:42:31.583 --> 00:42:34.916
[man] Do we have express permission
to use your likeness and your voice--
969
00:42:35.000 --> 00:42:38.916
You have express consent
to use my likeness and my voice.
970
00:42:39.000 --> 00:42:40.916
[man] All right. What are your names?
971
00:42:41.000 --> 00:42:44.541
-Uh, Michael and Kim Pinto.
-Pinto.
972
00:42:44.625 --> 00:42:47.250
[man] Do we have your express permission
to use this footage?
973
00:42:47.333 --> 00:42:49.375
-Fuck yeah!
-Yes! Hell yeah!
974
00:42:49.458 --> 00:42:51.458
[funky music continues]