1 00:00:02,000 --> 00:00:07,000 Downloaded from YTS.MX 2 00:00:05,964 --> 00:00:09,050 [upbeat music] 3 00:00:08,000 --> 00:00:13,000 Official YIFY movies site: YTS.MX 4 00:00:16,808 --> 00:00:20,770 [sentimental music] 5 00:00:34,659 --> 00:00:39,456 [announcer] Please welcome Taylor Tomlinson! 6 00:00:39,539 --> 00:00:44,586 [audience cheering] 7 00:00:48,757 --> 00:00:50,550 Thank you so much! 8 00:00:50,633 --> 00:00:52,385 [cheering] 9 00:00:53,094 --> 00:00:54,429 Thank you! 10 00:00:58,600 --> 00:01:00,935 Thank you, guys, so much! 11 00:01:01,603 --> 00:01:03,396 Thank you! 12 00:01:03,480 --> 00:01:08,026 I so, so appreciate you guys being here. It's been a rough couple of years. 13 00:01:08,109 --> 00:01:09,611 I got bangs at one point. 14 00:01:09,694 --> 00:01:12,072 - Shit got dark. - [audience laughs] 15 00:01:12,155 --> 00:01:14,908 I didn't even want bangs. I just needed people to check on me. 16 00:01:14,991 --> 00:01:16,785 And it works, by the way. 17 00:01:16,868 --> 00:01:18,244 You post a selfie in bangs, 18 00:01:18,328 --> 00:01:21,706 everybody's like, "Fire emoji. You go, girl!" Then they text you, like, 19 00:01:21,790 --> 00:01:22,874 "You okay?" 20 00:01:22,957 --> 00:01:24,125 [audience laughs] 21 00:01:24,209 --> 00:01:26,753 Here's what I did. I got bangs 22 00:01:26,836 --> 00:01:28,088 and then two days later, 23 00:01:28,171 --> 00:01:31,716 - I did mushrooms for the first time. - [audience laughs] 24 00:01:31,800 --> 00:01:33,760 And as soon as I did those mushrooms, 25 00:01:33,843 --> 00:01:37,388 I was like, "I should've done these first. 26 00:01:37,472 --> 00:01:39,057 [audience laughs] 27 00:01:39,140 --> 00:01:42,811 Probably wouldn't have gotten these bangs if I forgave myself, huh?" 28 00:01:42,894 --> 00:01:44,145 [audience laughs] 29 00:01:44,229 --> 00:01:47,899 But you know what? Having bangs feels exactly like being on mushrooms. 30 00:01:47,982 --> 00:01:50,944 The whole time, you're just looking at your friends, like, "Do I look weird? 31 00:01:51,027 --> 00:01:52,195 [audience laughs] 32 00:01:52,278 --> 00:01:54,906 You guys would tell me if I looked weird, right? Is it… 33 00:01:54,989 --> 00:01:56,783 Is it bad different? Is it not good-- 34 00:01:56,866 --> 00:01:59,077 You know what? I changed my mind. I don't want to do it. 35 00:01:59,160 --> 00:02:00,453 It's too late? It's already happening? 36 00:02:00,537 --> 00:02:02,497 Okay, no, I can be this person." 37 00:02:04,624 --> 00:02:07,460 I got back into therapy. Anybody in therapy? 38 00:02:07,544 --> 00:02:10,004 [audience cheers] 39 00:02:10,088 --> 00:02:12,382 Mostly women. That's the problem. 40 00:02:12,465 --> 00:02:14,008 [audience laughs] 41 00:02:15,218 --> 00:02:16,594 It's very hard to stay in therapy. 42 00:02:16,678 --> 00:02:18,847 My old therapist told me that when I get close to people, 43 00:02:18,930 --> 00:02:20,431 I have a tendency to self-sabotage. 44 00:02:20,515 --> 00:02:22,392 And I thought that was bullshit, 45 00:02:22,475 --> 00:02:23,893 so I ghosted her. 46 00:02:23,977 --> 00:02:25,687 - [audience laughs] - And then… 47 00:02:25,770 --> 00:02:29,190 I finally went back because I finally dated enough people 48 00:02:29,274 --> 00:02:33,486 who all gave me the exact same feedback about my shitty personality. 49 00:02:33,570 --> 00:02:35,780 You know, that romantic quota you hit where you're, like, 50 00:02:35,864 --> 00:02:39,325 - [laughing] "Uh-oh! Might be me! - [audience laughs] 51 00:02:39,409 --> 00:02:42,787 Oh, the reviews are in and they are [blows raspberry] unanimous. 52 00:02:42,871 --> 00:02:43,913 That's a bummer." 53 00:02:43,997 --> 00:02:45,832 So after a really bad breakup a few years ago, 54 00:02:45,915 --> 00:02:47,834 I finally took a long hard look at myself 55 00:02:47,917 --> 00:02:52,213 and said, "Okay, Taylor, five out of five dudes all think that in fights, 56 00:02:52,297 --> 00:02:55,300 you behave like a raccoon trapped in a trash bag." 57 00:02:55,383 --> 00:02:59,178 [audience laughs] 58 00:02:59,262 --> 00:03:02,140 "So maybe it's time to get some Klonopin 59 00:03:02,223 --> 00:03:04,434 or a rabies shot." 60 00:03:04,517 --> 00:03:06,394 [audience laughs] 61 00:03:06,477 --> 00:03:08,104 I am fully medicated now. 62 00:03:08,187 --> 00:03:10,106 Anybody else? Anti-depressants? 63 00:03:10,189 --> 00:03:12,650 - [audience cheers] - Medication? Yeah. 64 00:03:12,734 --> 00:03:14,402 Nice. What are we on? Shout it out. 65 00:03:14,485 --> 00:03:16,487 [audience shouting indistinctly] 66 00:03:16,571 --> 00:03:19,324 Zoloft, Lexapro. Oh! 67 00:03:19,407 --> 00:03:23,119 - Look at us. Gang's all here! - [audience laughs] 68 00:03:23,202 --> 00:03:25,538 Oh my God! I'm also on something. 69 00:03:25,622 --> 00:03:28,583 I would never say what, that's very personal, but… 70 00:03:28,666 --> 00:03:30,668 [audience laughs] 71 00:03:30,752 --> 00:03:32,128 No, I'm kidding. I'm on a few things. 72 00:03:32,211 --> 00:03:34,923 I am on Klonopin as needed for panic attacks. 73 00:03:35,006 --> 00:03:37,717 I'm so glad I have Klonopin now because before 74 00:03:37,800 --> 00:03:40,053 I had medication for it, I would have panic attacks 75 00:03:40,136 --> 00:03:41,638 right when I had to be somewhere, 76 00:03:41,721 --> 00:03:44,515 which is the worst time to get them 'cause then you just have to pinch 77 00:03:44,599 --> 00:03:48,019 the panic attack off like a shit you don't have time to take. 78 00:03:48,102 --> 00:03:49,771 [audience laughs] 79 00:03:49,854 --> 00:03:51,522 You know what I mean? When you're, like, "Okay, 80 00:03:51,606 --> 00:03:53,858 I got 60% of that out of my system. 81 00:03:53,942 --> 00:03:55,568 [audience laughs] 82 00:03:55,652 --> 00:03:58,529 - I'm not done but I gotta go to work. - [audience laughs] 83 00:03:58,613 --> 00:04:00,406 I will get to the other 40 later 84 00:04:00,490 --> 00:04:03,201 or I'll finish in the big stall at lunch if no one's in there. 85 00:04:03,284 --> 00:04:07,038 [audience laughs] 86 00:04:07,705 --> 00:04:09,290 I got put on something else for sleep 87 00:04:09,374 --> 00:04:12,794 because I have night terrors. There's no fun, casual way to say that. 88 00:04:12,877 --> 00:04:16,673 - [giggles] "Wake up screaming and…" - [audience laughs] 89 00:04:16,756 --> 00:04:18,758 These sleeper time pills I got are great. 90 00:04:18,841 --> 00:04:20,134 They don't stop the nightmares 91 00:04:20,218 --> 00:04:22,887 but they do hold you down while they're happening. 92 00:04:22,971 --> 00:04:24,472 [audience laughs] 93 00:04:24,555 --> 00:04:26,432 Which sounds bad but before, 94 00:04:26,516 --> 00:04:28,643 I'd wake up in the middle so afraid 95 00:04:28,726 --> 00:04:30,561 and now, I stay asleep 96 00:04:30,645 --> 00:04:34,691 - until the nightmare's natural conclusion, - [audience laughs] 97 00:04:34,774 --> 00:04:37,694 - which provides you with some closure. - [audience laughs] 98 00:04:37,777 --> 00:04:40,488 - You're like, "Oh, he stabs me at the end. - [audience gasps] 99 00:04:40,571 --> 00:04:44,367 Okay, plot twist, M. Nightmare Shyamalan." 100 00:04:44,450 --> 00:04:45,868 [audience laughs] 101 00:04:47,620 --> 00:04:49,455 I thought I was on an anti-depressant. 102 00:04:49,539 --> 00:04:50,623 It turns out I'm not. 103 00:04:50,707 --> 00:04:53,042 It turns out I'm actually on a mood stabilizer 104 00:04:53,126 --> 00:04:55,378 that they use as an anti-depressant. 105 00:04:55,461 --> 00:04:57,297 Fun fact about prescription drugs. 106 00:04:57,380 --> 00:05:00,675 Everything they prescribe, they actually use for, like, four different things. 107 00:05:00,758 --> 00:05:04,470 So you don't really know what your deal is 108 00:05:04,554 --> 00:05:06,806 until you find a combo that works 109 00:05:06,889 --> 00:05:09,142 and then Google all your pills by yourself. 110 00:05:09,225 --> 00:05:10,601 [audience laughs] 111 00:05:10,685 --> 00:05:13,021 So after years of trial and error, 112 00:05:13,104 --> 00:05:15,398 I finally found a combination of things that worked for me, 113 00:05:15,481 --> 00:05:18,401 and six months ago, I decided to Google it 'cause what the hell. 114 00:05:18,484 --> 00:05:20,528 And it turns out that everything I'm taking 115 00:05:20,611 --> 00:05:24,198 is primarily used for bipolar disorder. 116 00:05:24,282 --> 00:05:27,994 So I went back to my psychiatrist and I was, like, "Hey. 117 00:05:28,077 --> 00:05:30,496 [audience laughs] 118 00:05:30,580 --> 00:05:32,290 Do we think…?" 119 00:05:32,373 --> 00:05:35,501 [audience laughs] 120 00:05:35,585 --> 00:05:38,254 And she was, like, "Oh! Yeah!" 121 00:05:38,338 --> 00:05:43,134 [audience laughs] 122 00:05:47,305 --> 00:05:50,892 And I was, like, "Is this how you fucking tell people?" 123 00:05:50,975 --> 00:05:52,226 [audience laughs] 124 00:05:52,310 --> 00:05:55,063 And she's, like, "No, of course not. We didn't know. 125 00:05:55,146 --> 00:05:56,355 I'm glad we figured it out." 126 00:05:56,439 --> 00:05:59,609 - And I was, like, "We?" - [audience laughs] 127 00:05:59,692 --> 00:06:02,278 I said, "You really didn't know that I was bipolar?" And she goes, 128 00:06:02,361 --> 00:06:04,947 "No, of course not. We thought we were treating anxiety and depression." 129 00:06:05,031 --> 00:06:07,617 And I said, "Okay. 'Cause this kinda feels like 130 00:06:07,700 --> 00:06:10,953 a putting your dog's medication in cheese situation." 131 00:06:11,037 --> 00:06:14,290 [audience laughs] 132 00:06:16,375 --> 00:06:19,587 And I was, like, "I don't know how I feel about this diagnosis." And she goes, 133 00:06:19,670 --> 00:06:22,131 "Well, if it makes you feel better, you don't have to say, 134 00:06:22,215 --> 00:06:25,635 'I am bipolar.' You can say, 'I have bipolar.'" 135 00:06:25,718 --> 00:06:27,470 - [audience chuckles] - Which feels a lot like someone going, 136 00:06:27,553 --> 00:06:30,389 "I said you were being a bitch." 137 00:06:30,473 --> 00:06:33,643 [audience laughs] 138 00:06:39,774 --> 00:06:42,068 I'm so glad I know that I'm bipolar now. 139 00:06:42,151 --> 00:06:45,196 I mean, I have the right meds, I got a mood ring, I'm handling it. 140 00:06:45,279 --> 00:06:46,906 [audience laughs] 141 00:06:46,989 --> 00:06:49,742 But when I first found out, it was a very tough pill to swallow. 142 00:06:49,826 --> 00:06:51,953 - And I've swallowed a lot of pills. - [audience laughs] 143 00:06:52,036 --> 00:06:53,955 Because when you first find out something like that, 144 00:06:54,038 --> 00:06:57,041 you're, like, "Oh man, am I gonna tell anybody? 145 00:06:57,125 --> 00:06:59,001 Should I tell anybody? 146 00:06:59,085 --> 00:07:01,337 And if I do tell people, 147 00:07:01,420 --> 00:07:03,631 am I hot 148 00:07:03,714 --> 00:07:08,010 and/or talented enough to be an inspiration?" 149 00:07:08,094 --> 00:07:11,389 [audience laughs] 150 00:07:11,472 --> 00:07:14,892 [audience claps, cheers] 151 00:07:14,976 --> 00:07:18,438 Like, if I have a thing and someone else has that thing 152 00:07:18,521 --> 00:07:20,356 and they find out I have it too, 153 00:07:20,440 --> 00:07:24,068 are they gonna feel good or bad with that information? 154 00:07:24,152 --> 00:07:26,487 Because when I got diagnosed, they started listing names. 155 00:07:26,571 --> 00:07:28,698 They were, like, "You know who else is bipolar? 156 00:07:28,781 --> 00:07:30,450 Selena Gomez." 157 00:07:30,533 --> 00:07:31,409 And I was, like, 158 00:07:31,492 --> 00:07:34,370 - "That does make me feel better. - [audience laughs] 159 00:07:34,454 --> 00:07:37,748 - She is very pretty. - [audience laughs] 160 00:07:37,832 --> 00:07:39,542 Okay, I'll be bipolar." 161 00:07:39,625 --> 00:07:41,335 [audience laughs] 162 00:07:41,419 --> 00:07:42,587 I did not grow up 163 00:07:42,670 --> 00:07:45,214 in a household that was very, like, mental health-conscious. 164 00:07:45,298 --> 00:07:46,382 Like, we were very religious. 165 00:07:46,466 --> 00:07:50,094 I don't know if you've ever tried to tell your conservative dad 166 00:07:50,178 --> 00:07:53,264 that you have a mental health issue. It doesn't go great. 167 00:07:53,347 --> 00:07:56,100 When I was in high school, I was like, "Dad, I think I'm depressed." 168 00:07:56,184 --> 00:07:59,353 And he was, like, "You just need some protein. Get a scoop of peanut butter." 169 00:07:59,437 --> 00:08:00,897 [audience laughs] 170 00:08:00,980 --> 00:08:05,276 Yeah, there's a lot of dads out there just white-knuckling it through life right now, 171 00:08:05,359 --> 00:08:09,447 clinging to a jar of chunky Jif like it's the answer, 172 00:08:09,530 --> 00:08:11,908 just a buoy in the storm. 173 00:08:11,991 --> 00:08:15,620 - "It'll pass!" - [audience laughs] 174 00:08:16,746 --> 00:08:19,790 The only mental health advice my dad ever gave me 175 00:08:19,874 --> 00:08:21,584 is I was having panic attacks in high school 176 00:08:21,667 --> 00:08:24,003 and I didn't know what they were and I was very stressed out. 177 00:08:24,086 --> 00:08:24,962 And I was, like, "I don't know what to do. 178 00:08:25,046 --> 00:08:27,131 I don't know what to do when I feel like this. I don't know what to do." 179 00:08:27,215 --> 00:08:29,425 And he goes, "Alright. 180 00:08:30,301 --> 00:08:34,972 All I can tell you is that when you feel like this, 181 00:08:35,890 --> 00:08:40,311 get as far away from the people you care about as possible… 182 00:08:40,394 --> 00:08:42,063 [audience laughs] 183 00:08:42,730 --> 00:08:45,816 until you feel different." 184 00:08:45,900 --> 00:08:49,570 Which is advice you give a werewolf, like… 185 00:08:49,654 --> 00:08:51,614 [audience laughs] 186 00:08:51,697 --> 00:08:55,326 "Just run into the woods 'til you're not a monster anymore. 187 00:08:55,409 --> 00:08:59,497 Don't let them see you change. They won't accept you for what you truly are." 188 00:08:59,580 --> 00:09:00,831 [audience laughs] 189 00:09:03,042 --> 00:09:05,336 And I had friends who scared me too when I was trying to get on medication. 190 00:09:05,419 --> 00:09:07,630 They were, like, "Ugh, I tried. I tried anti-depressants. 191 00:09:07,713 --> 00:09:10,258 I didn't like how I felt on them. I didn't feel like myself." 192 00:09:10,341 --> 00:09:13,469 And now that I'm on them, I'm, like, "Yeah, me neither! It's the best." 193 00:09:13,553 --> 00:09:15,596 [audience laughs] 194 00:09:15,680 --> 00:09:18,140 Okay? And I do feel like myself. 195 00:09:18,224 --> 00:09:20,685 I just feel like now someone's sitting on me going, 196 00:09:20,768 --> 00:09:22,728 - "Shh! - [audience laughs] 197 00:09:22,812 --> 00:09:26,107 Stop talking. You will ruin everything. We are… 198 00:09:26,190 --> 00:09:27,441 We are trying to help you. 199 00:09:27,525 --> 00:09:29,944 You'd be married right now if you just shut the hell up. 200 00:09:30,027 --> 00:09:31,070 [audience laughs] 201 00:09:31,153 --> 00:09:34,657 Remember that? Yeah, us too. We are trying to help you. Go to sleep. 202 00:09:34,740 --> 00:09:36,576 Choose a different adventure." 203 00:09:36,659 --> 00:09:40,288 [audience laughs] 204 00:09:42,498 --> 00:09:45,084 And they warn you about the side effects when you get on medication. 205 00:09:45,167 --> 00:09:47,420 They go, "You know, your sex drive might go down." 206 00:09:47,503 --> 00:09:50,715 And I'll be honest, I have experienced that since I got on medication, 207 00:09:50,798 --> 00:09:54,218 but I can't tell if my sex drive is lower 208 00:09:54,302 --> 00:09:57,805 - or if my self-esteem is just higher now. - [audience laughs] 209 00:09:57,888 --> 00:09:58,973 You know? 210 00:09:59,056 --> 00:10:01,851 [audience claps, cheers] 211 00:10:01,934 --> 00:10:06,897 It's, like, am I not in the mood, or do I just not need the validation? Which is it? 212 00:10:06,981 --> 00:10:09,317 Because depression will bring you to your knees 213 00:10:09,400 --> 00:10:12,361 and you're, like, "While I'm down here, might as well make someone feel good. 214 00:10:12,445 --> 00:10:17,658 - I… do not want to waste a trip." - [audience whoops] 215 00:10:17,742 --> 00:10:20,369 If you're not laughing, congrats on your serotonin. 216 00:10:20,453 --> 00:10:22,580 [audience laughs] 217 00:10:22,663 --> 00:10:25,875 And if you're, like, "What's serotonin?" Don't worry. You have enough. 218 00:10:25,958 --> 00:10:28,252 [audience laughs] 219 00:10:32,923 --> 00:10:35,509 I wasn't sure if I was gonna talk about it on stage, 220 00:10:35,593 --> 00:10:38,429 and then I needed new material and I was, like, "Fire sale! Everything goes." 221 00:10:38,512 --> 00:10:41,223 [audience laughs] 222 00:10:42,433 --> 00:10:43,768 No, truthfully, I was surprised 223 00:10:43,851 --> 00:10:46,437 that I felt so bad about it 'cause I think I'm pretty open-minded. 224 00:10:46,520 --> 00:10:48,689 And I don't think anybody should feel bad 225 00:10:48,773 --> 00:10:50,358 if they get diagnosed with a mental illness 226 00:10:50,441 --> 00:10:52,360 'cause it's just information about you 227 00:10:52,443 --> 00:10:54,820 that helps you know how to take better care of yourself. 228 00:10:54,904 --> 00:10:57,698 - [audience cheers] - Yeah. 229 00:10:57,782 --> 00:10:59,450 Being bipolar, there's nothing wrong with it. 230 00:10:59,533 --> 00:11:01,577 Being bipolar is like not knowing how to swim. 231 00:11:01,661 --> 00:11:02,953 It might be embarrassing to tell people 232 00:11:03,037 --> 00:11:05,331 and it might be hard to take you certain places. 233 00:11:05,414 --> 00:11:07,249 [audience laughs] 234 00:11:07,333 --> 00:11:10,795 [audience continues laughing] 235 00:11:12,254 --> 00:11:13,964 But they have arm floaties. 236 00:11:14,048 --> 00:11:16,050 [audience laughs] 237 00:11:16,133 --> 00:11:19,220 And if you just take your arm floaties, 238 00:11:20,346 --> 00:11:22,264 you can go wherever the hell you want. 239 00:11:22,348 --> 00:11:23,724 [audience laughs] 240 00:11:23,808 --> 00:11:26,811 And… I know some of you are, like, "But Taylor, 241 00:11:26,894 --> 00:11:28,687 what if people judge me for taking arm floaties?" 242 00:11:28,771 --> 00:11:30,898 Well, those people don't care if you live or die, 243 00:11:30,981 --> 00:11:32,691 - so maybe who cares? - [audience whoops] 244 00:11:32,775 --> 00:11:35,528 Maybe fuck those people a little. 245 00:11:35,611 --> 00:11:37,780 - [audience cheers] - I don't know. 246 00:11:44,036 --> 00:11:46,622 That being said, you have to take your arm floaties 247 00:11:46,705 --> 00:11:47,748 [audience laughs] 248 00:11:47,832 --> 00:11:50,042 because it's not cool to know you can't swim, 249 00:11:50,126 --> 00:11:51,085 go to the public pool anyway, 250 00:11:51,168 --> 00:11:53,879 and jump into the deep end, making it everyone else's problem. 251 00:11:53,963 --> 00:11:55,423 [audience laughs] 252 00:11:55,506 --> 00:11:59,301 And you thrash around going, "I'm good!" They're like, "You're literally drowning." 253 00:11:59,385 --> 00:12:01,804 And then someone nice and handsome jumps in to help you. 254 00:12:01,887 --> 00:12:03,639 And you're, like, "See? I'm fine. I can totally swim." 255 00:12:03,722 --> 00:12:07,184 And they're, like, "No, you're holding him underwater. 256 00:12:07,268 --> 00:12:08,394 [audience laughs] 257 00:12:08,477 --> 00:12:11,856 - You turned Kevin into an arm floaty - [audience laughs] 258 00:12:11,939 --> 00:12:15,484 and that's not a fair relationship for Kevin." 259 00:12:15,568 --> 00:12:17,236 [audience laughs] 260 00:12:17,319 --> 00:12:19,363 Then someone floats by you on their back 261 00:12:19,447 --> 00:12:20,614 and you're, like, "What was that?" 262 00:12:20,698 --> 00:12:24,076 And they're, like, "Oh, that's someone whose parents supported them in the pool… 263 00:12:24,160 --> 00:12:27,955 [audience laughs] 264 00:12:28,038 --> 00:12:30,541 until they could be trusted not to die. 265 00:12:30,624 --> 00:12:31,667 [audience laughs] 266 00:12:31,750 --> 00:12:34,670 - Here are your arm floaties." - [audience laughs] 267 00:12:35,796 --> 00:12:37,339 I was very nervous to tell friends of mine 268 00:12:37,423 --> 00:12:39,842 I was bipolar because I thought they would think of me differently. 269 00:12:39,925 --> 00:12:42,094 And then I told all my friends and nobody did 270 00:12:42,178 --> 00:12:44,180 and it was actually pretty insulting. 271 00:12:44,263 --> 00:12:46,765 [audience laughs] 272 00:12:46,849 --> 00:12:48,893 Because I've had friends tell me they were bipolar 273 00:12:48,976 --> 00:12:51,270 and I was, like, "What? You? You're kidding." 274 00:12:51,353 --> 00:12:52,897 And then I told my friends and they were, like, 275 00:12:52,980 --> 00:12:55,774 - "That checks out. That's… - [audience laughs] 276 00:12:55,858 --> 00:12:57,568 That connects a lot of dots for us." 277 00:12:57,651 --> 00:13:00,154 I told Dustin, one of my best friends in the whole world, 278 00:13:00,237 --> 00:13:03,741 and he goes, "Yeah, your mental illness was kinda like your middle name. 279 00:13:03,824 --> 00:13:07,411 I didn't know what it was but I knew that you had one." 280 00:13:07,495 --> 00:13:11,290 [audience laughs] 281 00:13:14,210 --> 00:13:16,086 It's really good. 282 00:13:16,754 --> 00:13:20,257 That was not the feedback I kept getting from romantic partners, by the way. 283 00:13:20,341 --> 00:13:23,677 - [audience laughs] - That's not what finally made me get help. 284 00:13:23,761 --> 00:13:26,764 Every guy I've ever dated has told me I have trust issues, 285 00:13:26,847 --> 00:13:29,683 which is something liars say when you're on to them. 286 00:13:29,767 --> 00:13:32,520 [audience laughs] 287 00:13:34,271 --> 00:13:35,564 [in deep voice] "You have trust issues, babe." 288 00:13:35,648 --> 00:13:38,317 You have a hot co-worker and a locked phone, so… 289 00:13:38,400 --> 00:13:41,278 [audience laughs] 290 00:13:43,197 --> 00:13:46,075 I have trust issues but I earned them, okay? 291 00:13:46,158 --> 00:13:47,993 - [audience laughs] - I absolutely earned them, like, 292 00:13:48,077 --> 00:13:50,704 I got cheated on in college. My college boyfriend 293 00:13:50,788 --> 00:13:52,873 was sleeping with sex workers behind my back, 294 00:13:52,957 --> 00:13:57,044 or prostitutes if you're old and don't know that word's not okay to use anymore. 295 00:13:57,127 --> 00:13:59,713 Sometimes older crowd members could get confused 'cause they're, like, 296 00:13:59,797 --> 00:14:01,423 "What is a sex worker?" 297 00:14:01,507 --> 00:14:04,093 "Is that what my granddaughter does on Instagram?" 298 00:14:04,176 --> 00:14:05,344 - [audience laughs] - And you're, like, "No, no, no, 299 00:14:05,427 --> 00:14:07,304 she's just hot. That's a FabFitFun box." 300 00:14:07,388 --> 00:14:09,348 - "That's a different…" - [audience laughs] 301 00:14:09,431 --> 00:14:12,268 - "That's a different thing." - [audience laughs] 302 00:14:13,602 --> 00:14:15,479 "Your granddaughter doesn't… That's not a job." 303 00:14:15,563 --> 00:14:17,273 - "That's not real." - [audience laughs] 304 00:14:17,356 --> 00:14:19,567 You can't say prostitute anymore. 305 00:14:19,650 --> 00:14:22,611 Calling a sex worker a prostitute is like calling a comedian a clown. 306 00:14:22,695 --> 00:14:25,781 You're not technically wrong but you are a fucking asshole, so… 307 00:14:25,865 --> 00:14:28,200 [audience laughs] 308 00:14:28,284 --> 00:14:30,703 But I told my therapist I got cheated on like this 309 00:14:30,786 --> 00:14:32,663 and she didn't say what I wanted her to say, 310 00:14:32,746 --> 00:14:35,082 which was, "Poor baby, sweetie, this session is free." 311 00:14:35,165 --> 00:14:37,334 [audience laughs] 312 00:14:37,418 --> 00:14:41,589 Instead, she goes, "Well, you might be a self-fulfilling prophecy." 313 00:14:41,672 --> 00:14:45,050 And I was like, "Oh!" And she's like, "No, it's a bad thing." And I was like, 314 00:14:45,134 --> 00:14:46,552 [audience laughs] 315 00:14:46,635 --> 00:14:50,723 "Well, then could you say I have self-fulfilling prophecy? 316 00:14:50,806 --> 00:14:52,391 [audience laughs] 317 00:14:52,474 --> 00:14:55,227 Is Selena Gomez a self-fulfilling prophecy?" 318 00:14:55,311 --> 00:14:58,022 [audience laughs] 319 00:14:58,105 --> 00:15:00,316 And I said, "What does that mean, I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy?" 320 00:15:00,399 --> 00:15:04,278 And she goes, "Well, sometimes we expect someone to treat us poorly, 321 00:15:04,361 --> 00:15:07,781 so we treat them like they're going to treat us poorly until they do." 322 00:15:07,865 --> 00:15:09,241 "You thought someone was gonna cheat on you, 323 00:15:09,325 --> 00:15:11,535 so you treated them like they were gonna cheat on you 324 00:15:11,619 --> 00:15:15,289 until they did cheat on you, and then you were like, 'See?'" 325 00:15:15,372 --> 00:15:17,333 [audience chuckles] 326 00:15:17,416 --> 00:15:21,128 - And I was like, "Oh." - [audience laughs] 327 00:15:21,211 --> 00:15:23,380 "So I'm a witch." 328 00:15:23,464 --> 00:15:25,299 [audience laughs] 329 00:15:25,382 --> 00:15:29,011 [audience claps, cheers] 330 00:15:30,429 --> 00:15:33,390 And she's like, "Oh! So close. You're a bitch." 331 00:15:33,474 --> 00:15:35,059 - "You gotta…" - [audience laughs] 332 00:15:35,142 --> 00:15:38,729 I'm like, "Whatever. All I heard was Gryffindor!" 333 00:15:38,812 --> 00:15:42,983 [audience laughs] 334 00:15:43,067 --> 00:15:45,361 I am working on my trust issues. 335 00:15:45,444 --> 00:15:47,488 I was so much worse when I first started seeing my therapist. 336 00:15:47,571 --> 00:15:49,365 I told her like first session, I was like, 337 00:15:49,448 --> 00:15:53,369 "The guy I'm dating keeps answering my phone calls, 'Hey, beautiful?'" 338 00:15:53,452 --> 00:15:54,411 [audience laughs] 339 00:15:54,495 --> 00:15:57,998 And she's like, "So, what's the problem?" I was like, "I mean, I don't know yet." 340 00:15:58,082 --> 00:16:00,376 [audience laughs] 341 00:16:00,459 --> 00:16:04,463 - "But when I find out who 'Beautiful' is…" - [audience laughs] 342 00:16:04,546 --> 00:16:06,256 She's like, "Do you think it might be you?" 343 00:16:06,340 --> 00:16:08,759 I was like, "I'm sorry. I thought we were here to work." 344 00:16:08,842 --> 00:16:10,386 [audience laughs] 345 00:16:10,469 --> 00:16:12,554 I think I'm cute or whatever now, 346 00:16:12,638 --> 00:16:14,515 but I was an ugly kid with honest parents, 347 00:16:14,598 --> 00:16:17,977 and that shit stays in your bones, alright? 348 00:16:18,060 --> 00:16:19,979 If you were an ugly kid with honest parents, 349 00:16:20,062 --> 00:16:22,398 I don't care how attractive you grow up to be, 350 00:16:22,481 --> 00:16:25,150 at any point, if someone's like, "You look really nice today," you're like, 351 00:16:25,234 --> 00:16:27,778 "Yeah, whatever. I know the Goddamn truth." 352 00:16:27,861 --> 00:16:29,530 [audience laughs] 353 00:16:29,613 --> 00:16:32,616 When I was ten, I said, "Dad, am I pretty?" 354 00:16:32,700 --> 00:16:34,994 And his response was, "Look." 355 00:16:35,077 --> 00:16:37,830 [audience laughs] 356 00:16:37,913 --> 00:16:40,499 "I'm not the best looking guy, right?" 357 00:16:40,582 --> 00:16:43,669 "No, but I wake up every morning and I try." 358 00:16:43,752 --> 00:16:44,920 - [audience laughs] - "I…" 359 00:16:45,004 --> 00:16:47,339 "I take a shower, I put on a nice suit, 360 00:16:47,423 --> 00:16:48,882 and I do okay!" 361 00:16:48,966 --> 00:16:50,551 [audience whoops] 362 00:16:50,634 --> 00:16:53,178 - And then he went to work. - [audience laughs] 363 00:16:53,262 --> 00:16:55,848 - And I became a comedian, I guess. - [audience laughs] 364 00:16:55,931 --> 00:16:58,726 That was his response to his ten-year-old daughter. 365 00:16:58,809 --> 00:17:02,730 Just like, "You and me, potato face, these were the cards we were dealt." 366 00:17:02,813 --> 00:17:04,106 "Get clean and match." 367 00:17:04,189 --> 00:17:07,693 "That's all you can do. Don't sleep on wet hair. Can't do that." 368 00:17:07,776 --> 00:17:10,195 "Maybe wear a hat sometimes. Cover up some of that head." 369 00:17:10,279 --> 00:17:11,905 "I'm sorry there's so much of it." 370 00:17:11,989 --> 00:17:13,532 [audience laughs] 371 00:17:14,116 --> 00:17:15,826 I think I'm pretty. I have a big head. 372 00:17:15,909 --> 00:17:19,413 I know I do 'cause every guy I've ever dated has made a point to be like, 373 00:17:19,496 --> 00:17:23,125 - "I love your big head." - [audience laughs] 374 00:17:23,208 --> 00:17:24,501 That's my favorite thing guys do 375 00:17:24,585 --> 00:17:27,046 when they compliment the thing you hate most about yourself, 376 00:17:27,129 --> 00:17:29,465 they're like, "I love your soft arms." 377 00:17:29,548 --> 00:17:32,009 - You're like, "Okay. - [audience laughs] 378 00:17:32,092 --> 00:17:34,178 Yeah? I love your weird balls. 379 00:17:34,261 --> 00:17:36,930 - How does it feel? - [audience laughs] 380 00:17:37,014 --> 00:17:39,850 [audience cheers] 381 00:17:39,933 --> 00:17:43,103 - How does it feel to be accepted?" - [audience chuckles] 382 00:17:44,021 --> 00:17:45,898 - I'm a nightmare to date. - [audience laughs] 383 00:17:45,981 --> 00:17:48,442 Anything nice you do or say, I'm just like, "Whatever." 384 00:17:48,525 --> 00:17:52,571 I dated a guy once who told me that flirting with me was like punching water. 385 00:17:52,654 --> 00:17:53,947 [audience laughs] 386 00:17:54,031 --> 00:17:56,033 And I was like, "Why? 'Cause it's pointless 387 00:17:56,116 --> 00:17:58,327 or 'cause you look stupid doing it?" 388 00:17:58,410 --> 00:17:59,828 [audience laughs] 389 00:17:59,912 --> 00:18:01,038 He's like, "Did you hear it?" 390 00:18:01,121 --> 00:18:03,457 - I'm like, "I heard it that time. Yeah." - [audience laughs] 391 00:18:04,124 --> 00:18:07,711 And then he cheated on me, so, you know, prophecy fulfilled! 392 00:18:07,795 --> 00:18:10,214 [audience laughs] 393 00:18:10,297 --> 00:18:12,925 I can't help it. At the beginning of a relationship with a guy, 394 00:18:13,008 --> 00:18:15,677 I just assume anything nice he does 395 00:18:15,761 --> 00:18:18,639 is he a move he pulls on everybody 396 00:18:18,722 --> 00:18:23,185 and I'm not gonna fall for your choreography, sir. 397 00:18:23,268 --> 00:18:25,562 - [audience laughs] - I'm like, "Oh, is this… 398 00:18:25,646 --> 00:18:27,689 is this your move? 399 00:18:27,773 --> 00:18:30,234 - You open the car door for me on the date? - [woman laughs] 400 00:18:30,317 --> 00:18:32,027 Is this like your move? 401 00:18:32,111 --> 00:18:34,738 [chuckles] This is how you do it? 402 00:18:34,822 --> 00:18:36,949 That's cute. Bet that works a lot." 403 00:18:37,032 --> 00:18:39,827 [audience laughs] 404 00:18:39,910 --> 00:18:42,454 "Oh, is this… is this your move? 405 00:18:42,538 --> 00:18:44,164 You go with me to my grandpa's funeral, 406 00:18:44,248 --> 00:18:45,874 hold an umbrella over my head in the rain? 407 00:18:45,958 --> 00:18:48,627 - [audience laughs] - Is this like… Is this like your move? 408 00:18:48,710 --> 00:18:51,338 - This is how you do it? - [audience laughs] 409 00:18:51,421 --> 00:18:55,175 Like, 'Whoops, don't get wet.' 'Oops! I am.' Whatever. 410 00:18:55,259 --> 00:18:59,805 [audience laughs, cheers] 411 00:19:01,640 --> 00:19:05,727 This ain't my first rodeo. I used to have two grandpas." 412 00:19:05,811 --> 00:19:07,729 [audience laughs] 413 00:19:11,608 --> 00:19:13,902 [audience chuckles] 414 00:19:13,986 --> 00:19:15,320 "Oh, is this… 415 00:19:16,155 --> 00:19:18,240 - Is this your move? - [audience chuckles] 416 00:19:18,323 --> 00:19:20,075 You die next to me in a hospital bed 417 00:19:20,159 --> 00:19:23,328 at 86 years old holding my hand for all eternity? 418 00:19:23,412 --> 00:19:26,123 Is this like your move? This is how you get pussy?" 419 00:19:26,206 --> 00:19:27,416 [audience laughs] 420 00:19:27,499 --> 00:19:29,668 He's like, "We've been together for 60 years." 421 00:19:29,751 --> 00:19:32,087 I'm like, "You're a fuckboy and I know it! 422 00:19:32,171 --> 00:19:33,547 [audience laughs] 423 00:19:34,214 --> 00:19:37,426 Don't bury me with this guy. He's been dying with other people behind my back. 424 00:19:37,509 --> 00:19:39,219 - [audience laughs] - I can't prove it. 425 00:19:39,303 --> 00:19:41,555 Check his phone when he uses the bedpan." 426 00:19:41,638 --> 00:19:44,099 [audience laughs] 427 00:19:45,601 --> 00:19:48,854 - And that's why we're in therapy. - [audience laughs] 428 00:19:48,937 --> 00:19:50,147 People are scared to go to therapy 429 00:19:50,230 --> 00:19:52,983 because they think it's someone sitting in a chair going, "You suck." 430 00:19:53,066 --> 00:19:56,236 But it's not. It's you in a chair going, "I suck." 431 00:19:56,320 --> 00:19:57,279 [audience laughs] 432 00:19:57,362 --> 00:20:00,490 And then your therapist is like, "That's great. Let's start there." 433 00:20:00,574 --> 00:20:01,742 [audience laughs] 434 00:20:01,825 --> 00:20:04,703 Therapy just helps you to get to the bottom of why you're trash, okay? 435 00:20:04,786 --> 00:20:05,829 You go into therapy and you're like, 436 00:20:05,913 --> 00:20:07,831 "Here's all the stuff that sucks about me." 437 00:20:07,915 --> 00:20:09,708 And she goes, "Okay." And she puts it all up on the wall 438 00:20:09,791 --> 00:20:11,251 like you're solving a crime together. 439 00:20:11,335 --> 00:20:12,336 - Fun! - [audience laughs] 440 00:20:12,419 --> 00:20:15,380 And then she gets some of that red string that detectives use at home 441 00:20:15,464 --> 00:20:17,799 when they've been thrown off the case for going rogue 442 00:20:17,883 --> 00:20:18,967 [audience laughs] 443 00:20:19,051 --> 00:20:22,262 and she starts connecting each crappy thing about you 444 00:20:22,346 --> 00:20:25,974 to each one of your corresponding childhood traumas, 445 00:20:26,058 --> 00:20:28,810 and you're like, "Oh my God! That's why I'm like this." 446 00:20:28,894 --> 00:20:30,562 And she's like, "That's why you're like this." 447 00:20:30,646 --> 00:20:32,689 And you're like, "Am I fixed now?" 448 00:20:32,773 --> 00:20:35,359 - And she's like, "God, no! - [audience laughs] 449 00:20:35,442 --> 00:20:37,569 No, no, no." You're like, "Well, what do I do now?" 450 00:20:37,653 --> 00:20:39,821 She's like, "Well, you keep coming back in here every week 451 00:20:39,905 --> 00:20:44,117 with your credit card." And you're like, "What? Will I ever be fixed?" 452 00:20:44,201 --> 00:20:46,370 She's like, "I don't know. Bring your credit card!" 453 00:20:46,453 --> 00:20:49,122 [audience laughs] 454 00:20:51,291 --> 00:20:53,168 I've got to the bottom of a lot of stuff in therapy. 455 00:20:53,252 --> 00:20:56,922 I'm an emotional eater. I don't know if anybody else identifies with that. 456 00:20:57,005 --> 00:20:59,049 - [audience whoops] - Cool. Seven people. 457 00:20:59,132 --> 00:21:01,385 Everyone else is like, "No, we just eat until we're almost full 458 00:21:01,468 --> 00:21:03,762 and then we thank God for the opportunity, okay." 459 00:21:03,845 --> 00:21:05,097 [audience laughs] 460 00:21:05,180 --> 00:21:06,932 "Food is just fuel for me." 461 00:21:07,015 --> 00:21:09,184 If you're one of those, fuck right off, for real. 462 00:21:09,268 --> 00:21:11,228 - [audience laughs] - I'll refund your money. 463 00:21:11,311 --> 00:21:13,188 - I don't need your support. - [audience cheers] 464 00:21:13,272 --> 00:21:15,107 I'm doing fine. 465 00:21:15,857 --> 00:21:18,235 If you don't know what an emotional eater is, 466 00:21:18,318 --> 00:21:20,737 it just means you like eat to cope with uncomfortable feelings. 467 00:21:20,821 --> 00:21:22,906 So if I'm like sad or anxious or awake, 468 00:21:22,990 --> 00:21:25,409 - I like to be eating to take the edge off. - [audience laughs] 469 00:21:25,492 --> 00:21:27,286 If you still don't know if that's you, 470 00:21:27,369 --> 00:21:29,121 you can ask yourself a few questions to find out. 471 00:21:29,204 --> 00:21:31,665 Number one. When you eat nachos in public, 472 00:21:31,748 --> 00:21:34,876 do you get kinda mad that other people are there to see it? 473 00:21:34,960 --> 00:21:37,421 [audience laughs] 474 00:21:37,504 --> 00:21:40,549 Do you feel like nachos should come with a privacy curtain? I do. 475 00:21:40,632 --> 00:21:44,011 [audience laughs] 476 00:21:44,094 --> 00:21:46,680 Have all the best meals of your life 477 00:21:46,763 --> 00:21:50,017 taken place in your own car around 11 p.m.? 478 00:21:50,100 --> 00:21:53,145 - [audience laughs] - Under a flickering streetlamp? 479 00:21:55,856 --> 00:21:58,442 Have you ever eaten a brownie 480 00:21:58,525 --> 00:22:00,193 while you felt okay 481 00:22:00,277 --> 00:22:01,987 [audience laughs] 482 00:22:02,070 --> 00:22:04,323 and wished you were sad 483 00:22:04,406 --> 00:22:06,033 [audience laughs] 484 00:22:06,116 --> 00:22:08,076 so that it tasted better? 485 00:22:08,160 --> 00:22:10,245 [audience laughs] 486 00:22:10,329 --> 00:22:12,372 Sounds like more than seven of us. 487 00:22:12,456 --> 00:22:15,292 [audience laughs] 488 00:22:16,168 --> 00:22:19,254 In therapy, I figured out the day in my childhood 489 00:22:19,338 --> 00:22:20,422 I became an emotional eater. 490 00:22:20,505 --> 00:22:22,966 I was eight years old and I was eating a bagel in the kitchen 491 00:22:23,050 --> 00:22:24,301 and my dad came in and he goes, 492 00:22:24,384 --> 00:22:27,554 "You're gonna want to put that bagel down. I gotta tell you something." 493 00:22:27,637 --> 00:22:30,390 And that's when he told me that my mom had died. 494 00:22:30,474 --> 00:22:34,436 So somewhere in my brain, something clicked, like, 495 00:22:34,519 --> 00:22:39,274 "Oh, when you stop eating bread, 496 00:22:39,357 --> 00:22:41,359 [audience laughs] 497 00:22:41,443 --> 00:22:44,029 - people perish." - [audience laughs] 498 00:22:44,112 --> 00:22:46,490 I went back to fourth grade like the angel of death. 499 00:22:46,573 --> 00:22:48,950 Everyone's like, "Step on a crack, break your mother's back." 500 00:22:49,034 --> 00:22:52,537 I'm like, "Stop eating bread, now your mom's dead, dude. 501 00:22:52,621 --> 00:22:53,538 [audience laughs] 502 00:22:53,622 --> 00:22:56,416 They left out that second part but…" 503 00:22:56,500 --> 00:23:00,629 I had a lisp when I was eight. I tell you guys that because no one told me. 504 00:23:00,712 --> 00:23:01,963 [audience laughs] 505 00:23:02,047 --> 00:23:04,966 They pulled me aside a year later at school. 506 00:23:05,050 --> 00:23:05,967 Someone's like, 507 00:23:06,051 --> 00:23:08,220 "Taylor, your teacher thinks you might be struggling with a speech impediment." 508 00:23:08,303 --> 00:23:10,263 I'm like, [with lisp] "What's a speech impediment? 509 00:23:10,347 --> 00:23:11,431 [audience laughs] 510 00:23:11,515 --> 00:23:14,142 [with lisp] Are you sure you have the right person, 'cause… 511 00:23:14,226 --> 00:23:16,520 - I'm crushing it out there." - [audience laughs] 512 00:23:16,603 --> 00:23:17,771 And they're like, "You didn't do anything wrong. 513 00:23:17,854 --> 00:23:19,648 You just pronounce your words a little differently, 514 00:23:19,731 --> 00:23:21,608 like you say "sh" instead of "ss" for your S's, 515 00:23:21,691 --> 00:23:23,944 does that make sense? And I was like, 516 00:23:25,153 --> 00:23:27,823 [with lisp] "I'm pretty sure I would have noticed 517 00:23:27,906 --> 00:23:32,410 - [audience laughs] - if I said 'sh' instead of 'sh'. 518 00:23:32,494 --> 00:23:34,830 - Hope you find who you're looking for. - [audience laughs] 519 00:23:34,913 --> 00:23:37,541 If you have any follow-up questions, I'll be on the see-saw." 520 00:23:37,624 --> 00:23:39,209 [audience laughs] 521 00:23:43,630 --> 00:23:46,883 I know dead mom jokes make people uncomfortable. 522 00:23:46,967 --> 00:23:49,344 I know that and if you are uncomfortable, 523 00:23:49,427 --> 00:23:52,722 I don't know what to say, you should've worked harder so it was you up here. 524 00:23:52,806 --> 00:23:56,977 [audience laughs, cheers] 525 00:24:01,523 --> 00:24:05,068 No, honestly, I never want to make people feel uncomfortable with that information. 526 00:24:05,152 --> 00:24:07,195 So much so that I used to lie to everybody. 527 00:24:07,279 --> 00:24:09,948 Growing up, I used to tell everybody that my parents were separated 528 00:24:10,031 --> 00:24:11,616 so I wouldn't have to say my mom's dead. 529 00:24:11,700 --> 00:24:13,577 And that worked very well 530 00:24:13,660 --> 00:24:17,038 until recently a friend of mine found out I had lied and she was very upset. 531 00:24:17,122 --> 00:24:20,083 - [audience laughs] - She was like, "Your mom's dead? 532 00:24:20,167 --> 00:24:22,460 Taylor, you told me your parents were separated." 533 00:24:22,544 --> 00:24:24,671 And I was like, "Well, they were! 534 00:24:24,754 --> 00:24:26,715 [audience laughs] 535 00:24:26,798 --> 00:24:28,717 By Jesus." 536 00:24:28,800 --> 00:24:31,595 [audience laughs] 537 00:24:31,678 --> 00:24:35,765 Both her parents are alive, so she has no idea how funny that is but… 538 00:24:35,849 --> 00:24:38,018 - [audience laughs] - She'll get it eventually, right? 539 00:24:38,101 --> 00:24:40,896 - Like that joke is a slow burn. - [audience laughs] 540 00:24:41,479 --> 00:24:44,941 Kinda like cancer, which is what got mine, hey oh! 541 00:24:45,025 --> 00:24:46,067 [audience laughs] 542 00:24:46,151 --> 00:24:47,194 Okay, alright. 543 00:24:47,277 --> 00:24:49,112 [audience laughs] 544 00:24:49,196 --> 00:24:51,281 [groans] Here's the deal, Boston. 545 00:24:51,364 --> 00:24:53,074 [audience laughs] 546 00:24:53,158 --> 00:24:56,953 We have another, like, six minutes of dead mom jokes. 547 00:24:57,037 --> 00:24:58,705 [audience laughs] 548 00:24:59,956 --> 00:25:02,751 I know. You're getting like, "Whoa, no, six minutes is a long time." 549 00:25:02,834 --> 00:25:05,253 It won't feel long. I have cushioned her, alright? 550 00:25:05,337 --> 00:25:07,130 - [audience laughs] - I have laid my dead mom to rest 551 00:25:07,214 --> 00:25:11,051 in a beautiful casket of dick jokes and pop culture references. 552 00:25:11,134 --> 00:25:13,637 There's something for everybody over the next six minutes. 553 00:25:13,720 --> 00:25:16,223 You'll laugh, you'll cry, you'll forget she's dead. 554 00:25:16,306 --> 00:25:17,682 [audience laughs] 555 00:25:17,766 --> 00:25:20,393 But I know a lot's happening for you as a crowd right now 556 00:25:20,477 --> 00:25:21,978 because you're like, "Taylor, we're good people. 557 00:25:22,062 --> 00:25:24,814 Good people wouldn't laugh at dead mom jokes." 558 00:25:24,898 --> 00:25:28,485 I'm here to tell you that if you're trying to be a good person at a comedy show, 559 00:25:28,568 --> 00:25:31,947 - you're wasting your God damn time. - [audience laughs] 560 00:25:32,030 --> 00:25:34,032 Trying to be a good person at a comedy show 561 00:25:34,115 --> 00:25:36,243 is like trying to recycle at a theme park. 562 00:25:36,326 --> 00:25:39,579 You're already in here and part of the problem, put your hands up and have fun. 563 00:25:39,663 --> 00:25:41,498 [audience laughs] 564 00:25:42,624 --> 00:25:44,292 And I know you're good people. You're like, 565 00:25:44,376 --> 00:25:46,044 "Taylor, we've known you for 25 minutes. 566 00:25:46,127 --> 00:25:48,922 We hate that anything bad ever happened to you even once." 567 00:25:49,005 --> 00:25:50,715 Thank you so much, Boston. 568 00:25:50,799 --> 00:25:53,760 But what you have to understand is the bad thing already happened 569 00:25:53,843 --> 00:25:56,096 and now I'm talking about it into a microphone 570 00:25:56,179 --> 00:25:59,307 - in front of people who paid to be here, - [audience laughs] 571 00:25:59,391 --> 00:26:02,894 which means now the bad thing is money. 572 00:26:02,978 --> 00:26:04,437 [audience laughs] 573 00:26:04,521 --> 00:26:06,815 Do you think I'd be this successful 574 00:26:06,898 --> 00:26:11,152 at my age if I had a live mom? 575 00:26:11,236 --> 00:26:13,446 [audience laughs] 576 00:26:13,530 --> 00:26:17,701 [audience whoops] 577 00:26:20,495 --> 00:26:22,622 - [shouts] Fuck no! - [audience laughs] 578 00:26:22,706 --> 00:26:25,667 I'd be a creative writing teacher who loved myself 579 00:26:25,750 --> 00:26:28,503 and I'd be sitting in the dark with you pheasants, okay? 580 00:26:28,586 --> 00:26:31,298 - [audience laughs] - She's in heaven, I'm on Netflix, 581 00:26:31,381 --> 00:26:33,216 it all worked out. 582 00:26:33,300 --> 00:26:37,053 [audience cheers] 583 00:26:43,393 --> 00:26:45,520 That is a real thing I said in therapy. 584 00:26:45,603 --> 00:26:46,813 [audience laughs] 585 00:26:46,896 --> 00:26:48,606 To which my therapist responded, 586 00:26:48,690 --> 00:26:50,358 "You should come in twice this week." 587 00:26:50,442 --> 00:26:53,278 [audience laughs] 588 00:26:57,198 --> 00:26:59,326 Some people get sad because I was eight when it happened. 589 00:26:59,409 --> 00:27:01,286 But eight is a great time to lose a parent 590 00:27:01,369 --> 00:27:04,372 because you're so stupid, you barely know what's going on. 591 00:27:04,456 --> 00:27:05,874 When I was eight, I was like, 592 00:27:05,957 --> 00:27:08,543 the only people I know with dead moms are Disney princesses. 593 00:27:08,626 --> 00:27:09,669 [audience chuckles] 594 00:27:09,753 --> 00:27:13,465 So like, this sucks but am I about to get hot? 595 00:27:13,548 --> 00:27:14,674 [audience laughs] 596 00:27:14,758 --> 00:27:16,217 Then I hit puberty and I was like, 597 00:27:16,301 --> 00:27:18,887 "Oh no, I guess God just hates me right now, that's a bummer." 598 00:27:18,970 --> 00:27:23,183 That's a joke. God doesn't hate anybody, alright? Not anymore. 599 00:27:23,266 --> 00:27:25,352 [audience laughs] 600 00:27:25,435 --> 00:27:28,646 But have you read the Old Testament? Holy shit. 601 00:27:28,730 --> 00:27:29,981 [audience laughs] 602 00:27:30,065 --> 00:27:33,485 The Old Testament is my favorite Taylor Swift album. 603 00:27:33,568 --> 00:27:35,528 - It is… - [audience laughs] 604 00:27:38,114 --> 00:27:40,992 It is banger after banger. Just like, 605 00:27:41,076 --> 00:27:42,744 "You don't believe in me? 606 00:27:42,827 --> 00:27:45,955 [in singsong voice] Snakes! Look what you made me do." 607 00:27:46,039 --> 00:27:48,249 [audience laughs] 608 00:27:49,709 --> 00:27:51,336 I'm a 20-something white woman, obviously, 609 00:27:51,419 --> 00:27:53,630 I'm gonna compare T. Swift to the Lord, alright? 610 00:27:53,713 --> 00:27:54,756 [audience laughs] 611 00:27:54,839 --> 00:27:57,801 She is the only god I still believe in, alright? 612 00:27:57,884 --> 00:27:59,552 [audience cheers] 613 00:27:59,636 --> 00:28:03,181 I don't see God God revamping his old shit 614 00:28:03,264 --> 00:28:07,394 and let's be honest, he probably should 'cause the people who own it now suck. 615 00:28:07,477 --> 00:28:09,979 [audience laughs, cheers] 616 00:28:15,318 --> 00:28:17,570 It does grow you up very quickly, losing a parent that young. 617 00:28:17,654 --> 00:28:21,866 I mean, I saw a dead body when I was eight which means I saw a dead body years 618 00:28:21,950 --> 00:28:23,201 before I saw a dick. 619 00:28:23,284 --> 00:28:25,995 And that is not the order that shit should go in 620 00:28:26,079 --> 00:28:28,832 - [audience laughs] - according to the American Girl Body book. 621 00:28:28,915 --> 00:28:31,376 [audience laughs] 622 00:28:32,877 --> 00:28:35,505 Although maybe it should be 'cause you know what's crazy? A dick? 623 00:28:35,588 --> 00:28:37,841 - Way more traumatizing than your dead mom. - [audience laughs] 624 00:28:37,924 --> 00:28:40,093 Oh my God, it's so much worse. I saw my mom, I was like, 625 00:28:40,176 --> 00:28:42,178 "That lady used to make me snacks, now she's very still." 626 00:28:42,262 --> 00:28:43,972 I saw a dick for the first time, 627 00:28:44,055 --> 00:28:46,975 I was like, "Oh my God! Who took Jabba the Hutt's eyes? 628 00:28:47,058 --> 00:28:48,184 [audience laughs] 629 00:28:48,268 --> 00:28:50,353 You have done nothing for me. No, no, no. 630 00:28:50,437 --> 00:28:53,231 No, I didn't say Beetlejuice even one time!" 631 00:28:53,314 --> 00:28:54,566 [audience laughs] 632 00:28:55,275 --> 00:28:57,902 I haven't seen that many dicks and I don't want to see any more 633 00:28:57,986 --> 00:28:58,945 and it's nothing against men, 634 00:28:59,028 --> 00:29:01,614 I'm attracted to you for some reason but I swear to God, 635 00:29:01,698 --> 00:29:04,909 every time you see a new dick, there is an adjustment period, isn't there? 636 00:29:04,993 --> 00:29:06,953 - [audience laughs] - Just a real quick like… 637 00:29:07,036 --> 00:29:09,080 [huffs deeply] and we're back in it, alright. 638 00:29:09,164 --> 00:29:09,998 [audience laughs] 639 00:29:11,499 --> 00:29:13,501 I have stayed in relationships too long 640 00:29:13,585 --> 00:29:15,295 'cause I just wasn't ready to see a fresh one. 641 00:29:15,378 --> 00:29:16,963 - I just couldn't - [audience laughs] 642 00:29:17,046 --> 00:29:19,924 couldn't wrap my head around it, literally or figuratively. 643 00:29:20,008 --> 00:29:23,428 I just… I just didn't have it in me, couldn't have it in me. 644 00:29:23,511 --> 00:29:26,431 - And… - [audience laughs] 645 00:29:26,514 --> 00:29:29,642 I don't care how many dicks you've seen, every time you see a new dick, 646 00:29:29,726 --> 00:29:32,187 it feels like jumping into a cold pool. 647 00:29:32,270 --> 00:29:34,564 Just like, [nervously] "Alright, let me just swim around, 648 00:29:34,647 --> 00:29:36,483 get used to this one." 649 00:29:36,566 --> 00:29:41,070 "Okay, alright, this one's deeper than the last one but that's okay." 650 00:29:41,154 --> 00:29:44,741 "That's alright. This is why we take our arm floaties, you know, 651 00:29:44,824 --> 00:29:46,534 for moments like these." 652 00:29:46,618 --> 00:29:50,205 - [audience claps, cheers] - [grunting] 653 00:29:51,372 --> 00:29:55,376 Just control your breathing, hot girl summer, bitch, you can do it. 654 00:29:55,460 --> 00:29:57,086 [audience laughs] 655 00:29:57,170 --> 00:29:58,880 I think of the genitalia options available, 656 00:29:58,963 --> 00:30:01,257 I think dick seem friendlier, you know. 657 00:30:01,341 --> 00:30:03,885 They're up, they're happy to see you, they're wagging, I've never had sex. 658 00:30:03,968 --> 00:30:05,762 [audience laughs] 659 00:30:05,845 --> 00:30:08,139 - It's like a front tail, right? - [audience laughs] 660 00:30:08,223 --> 00:30:10,266 I'll Google it, it's fine. 661 00:30:10,350 --> 00:30:13,728 It's all speculation. I've never seen a vagina, not even my own, I'm a Christian. 662 00:30:13,812 --> 00:30:15,730 - [audience laughs] - But from what I hear, 663 00:30:15,814 --> 00:30:19,526 it is very spooky down there. It's just a dark spooky hole, like, 664 00:30:19,609 --> 00:30:21,236 a hole? I'm sorry, what? 665 00:30:21,319 --> 00:30:25,448 Every time someone fingers me, I'm like, "You are very trusting, sir, because…" 666 00:30:25,532 --> 00:30:27,242 - [audience laughs] - "…I don't even know where that goes." 667 00:30:27,325 --> 00:30:30,912 "That might be where I keep the bipolar. That might be…" 668 00:30:30,995 --> 00:30:32,705 [audience laughs] 669 00:30:32,789 --> 00:30:36,668 "…where it has been… actually, if you see any, could you scrape it out?" 670 00:30:36,751 --> 00:30:38,503 - "Could you…" - [audience laughs] 671 00:30:38,586 --> 00:30:40,296 "…just like a mental health Pap smear?" 672 00:30:40,380 --> 00:30:41,589 - "Can you just do…" - [audience laughs] 673 00:30:41,673 --> 00:30:43,842 Don't do that. Like, you gotta hook your finger, 674 00:30:43,925 --> 00:30:45,969 like when a baby's choking, are you familiar? 675 00:30:46,052 --> 00:30:48,471 If you do that, it'll push it in too far, it's too late. 676 00:30:48,555 --> 00:30:52,225 But if you hook your finger, you swipe it, that's how you get it out. 677 00:30:52,308 --> 00:30:54,853 [audience laughs] 678 00:30:54,936 --> 00:30:57,480 I like doing that joke because it goes too far 679 00:30:57,564 --> 00:30:59,691 but you do learn something that could save a life. 680 00:30:59,774 --> 00:31:03,945 [audience laughs] 681 00:31:06,489 --> 00:31:09,242 I just love the idea of years from now, someone being like, 682 00:31:09,325 --> 00:31:12,579 "If it weren't for that dick joke, my niece would not be here." 683 00:31:12,662 --> 00:31:14,622 [audience laughs] 684 00:31:18,835 --> 00:31:21,713 The craziest thing that happened is my mom died of cancer. 685 00:31:21,796 --> 00:31:24,841 - See? You almost forgot. - [audience laughs] 686 00:31:24,924 --> 00:31:29,053 And then my dad got remarried and then our stepmom got cancer. 687 00:31:29,137 --> 00:31:31,598 She's fine, don't worry. I wouldn't do that to you twice. 688 00:31:31,681 --> 00:31:35,977 - [audience laughs] - That's God talking to my dad. And… 689 00:31:36,978 --> 00:31:41,316 As soon as our stepmom got it, me and my siblings were like, "Holy shit." 690 00:31:41,399 --> 00:31:44,777 "Is Dad giving people cancer?" 691 00:31:44,861 --> 00:31:45,987 [audience laughs] 692 00:31:46,070 --> 00:31:47,572 We thought he was a carcinogen. 693 00:31:47,655 --> 00:31:49,324 We were like, "Don't microwave anything for him." 694 00:31:49,407 --> 00:31:51,242 - [audience laughs] - "I think that's how he's doing it." 695 00:31:52,118 --> 00:31:53,661 If he had taken down a second one, 696 00:31:53,745 --> 00:31:56,080 we would've put a warning on his Christian Mingle account. 697 00:31:56,164 --> 00:31:57,540 Like bare minimum, just like, 698 00:31:57,624 --> 00:32:01,085 "Hey, chemicals in here have been known to cause cancer." 699 00:32:01,169 --> 00:32:03,922 - "Ride at your own risk." - [audience laughs] 700 00:32:04,005 --> 00:32:06,132 I feel like some people don't believe me that she's alive. 701 00:32:06,215 --> 00:32:09,802 She's completely fine, you guys. She's happy, healthy, great lady. 702 00:32:09,886 --> 00:32:12,221 We actually call my stepmom Mom because when my dad married her, 703 00:32:12,305 --> 00:32:13,389 nobody was using it. 704 00:32:13,473 --> 00:32:15,016 So we were like, "Yeah, be Mom, who cares." 705 00:32:15,099 --> 00:32:16,392 [audience laughs] 706 00:32:16,476 --> 00:32:18,686 Oh, I'm sorry, if your principal quit 707 00:32:18,770 --> 00:32:22,273 and you got a new principal, they wouldn't be like, "This is Lisa." Like… 708 00:32:22,357 --> 00:32:25,610 [audience laughs] 709 00:32:25,693 --> 00:32:28,488 Let her be principal, there is an opening. 710 00:32:28,571 --> 00:32:29,405 [audience laughs] 711 00:32:29,489 --> 00:32:32,492 Also, we were so young when it happened and my dad got remarried so fast, 712 00:32:32,575 --> 00:32:35,912 I think he was kinda hoping he could just like Indiana Jones switch them out 713 00:32:35,995 --> 00:32:38,164 - [audience laughs] - before anybody noticed. 714 00:32:38,247 --> 00:32:40,041 You know when you're a kid and your hamster dies 715 00:32:40,124 --> 00:32:41,918 and your parents don't want to explain death to you 716 00:32:42,001 --> 00:32:44,045 so they just buy you a new one that looks the same 717 00:32:44,128 --> 00:32:45,797 and they're like, "No, that's Connie, she just bites now." 718 00:32:45,880 --> 00:32:48,174 - [audience laughs] - That's kinda what he did. 719 00:32:48,257 --> 00:32:49,842 But with moms. 720 00:32:51,386 --> 00:32:52,720 But I never used to talk about any of that, 721 00:32:52,804 --> 00:32:54,931 I never used to talk about my mom dying 722 00:32:55,014 --> 00:32:56,724 because I didn't want to make people uncomfortable 723 00:32:56,808 --> 00:32:58,768 and also, like most of us with childhood trauma, 724 00:32:58,851 --> 00:33:00,478 should be pretty much everyone in here. 725 00:33:00,561 --> 00:33:02,605 If you're sitting here tonight going, "I don't think I have any, 726 00:33:02,689 --> 00:33:04,732 I have great parents, I had a good childhood 727 00:33:04,816 --> 00:33:07,944 and this 'comedy show'? It's not that fun for me." 728 00:33:08,027 --> 00:33:09,737 - [audience laughs] - Good. 729 00:33:09,821 --> 00:33:15,660 [audience laughs] 730 00:33:17,745 --> 00:33:20,164 I hope this is the worst night of your whole life. 731 00:33:20,248 --> 00:33:21,624 [audience laughs] 732 00:33:21,708 --> 00:33:24,210 'Cause it sounds like it's been smooth sailing 733 00:33:24,293 --> 00:33:27,922 - [audience laughs] - and you might need some perspective. 734 00:33:29,424 --> 00:33:31,342 Most of us did have some childhood trauma 735 00:33:31,426 --> 00:33:32,593 and when you get to be an adult, you're like, 736 00:33:32,677 --> 00:33:34,762 "Woo, made it! Never have to think about that again. 737 00:33:34,846 --> 00:33:35,805 Look at all my keys. 738 00:33:35,888 --> 00:33:37,682 - The world's my oyster." - [audience laughs] 739 00:33:37,765 --> 00:33:41,060 And so you just start pushing all that dark stuff that happened to you as a kid 740 00:33:41,144 --> 00:33:44,063 down, down, down 'til you don't even think about it anymore. 741 00:33:44,147 --> 00:33:46,065 And that works for a long time. 742 00:33:46,149 --> 00:33:47,150 [audience chuckles] 743 00:33:47,233 --> 00:33:49,193 - Until one day, - [audience laughs] 744 00:33:49,277 --> 00:33:51,279 you stub your toe really hard on a curb 745 00:33:51,362 --> 00:33:53,698 and you just start weeping uncontrollably in the street 746 00:33:53,781 --> 00:33:57,201 and you're like, "Okay, this is about something else. 747 00:33:57,285 --> 00:33:58,786 [audience laughs] 748 00:33:58,870 --> 00:34:01,789 I was keeping all my trauma in that toe. 749 00:34:01,873 --> 00:34:03,041 [audience laughs] 750 00:34:03,124 --> 00:34:05,877 And then I jostled it and now it's everywhere. 751 00:34:05,960 --> 00:34:07,211 [audience laughs] 752 00:34:07,295 --> 00:34:08,463 [whispering] Gone over here." 753 00:34:08,546 --> 00:34:09,630 [audience laughs] 754 00:34:09,714 --> 00:34:12,925 And if you don't deal with that stuff, it's gonna keep affecting you in ways 755 00:34:13,009 --> 00:34:14,719 you are not even conscious of. 756 00:34:14,802 --> 00:34:17,472 I realized in therapy that because my mom died young, 757 00:34:17,555 --> 00:34:21,017 I have this irrational belief that I am also going to die young, 758 00:34:21,100 --> 00:34:23,936 so I've been living in a very intense unhealthy way 759 00:34:24,020 --> 00:34:26,522 my entire adult life where I'm like, I can't take a break, 760 00:34:26,606 --> 00:34:27,857 I gotta be working all the time, 761 00:34:27,940 --> 00:34:30,485 I have to hit these goals and achievements, otherwise I'm nothing. 762 00:34:30,568 --> 00:34:32,695 I got engaged a few years ago 'cause I was like, 763 00:34:32,779 --> 00:34:34,781 "I gotta get married before I'm dead" 764 00:34:34,864 --> 00:34:37,075 which is a super hot way to propose to somebody. 765 00:34:37,158 --> 00:34:37,992 [audience laughs] 766 00:34:38,076 --> 00:34:41,329 I call it "The Walk to Remember," it's kinda my move and… 767 00:34:41,412 --> 00:34:45,333 [audience claps] 768 00:34:46,501 --> 00:34:48,628 It did not work out with my ex-fiancé. 769 00:34:48,711 --> 00:34:52,715 I hate that I have to say that word now. It sounds like a spell, doesn't it? 770 00:34:52,799 --> 00:34:55,134 [shouting] Just like, "Ex-fiancé!" It's terrible. 771 00:34:55,218 --> 00:34:56,803 [audience laughs] 772 00:34:56,886 --> 00:34:58,679 He and I are not friends, 773 00:34:58,763 --> 00:35:00,890 not 'cause he's a bad person, he's actually a very good person. 774 00:35:00,973 --> 00:35:04,268 I don't know if you've dated someone right before they find out they're bipolar 775 00:35:04,352 --> 00:35:06,896 but it is what is known as "The Lord's work." 776 00:35:06,979 --> 00:35:08,773 [audience laughs] 777 00:35:08,856 --> 00:35:12,151 I think I was a great partner if nothing went wrong. 778 00:35:12,235 --> 00:35:15,530 If nothing went wrong, I was like, awesome. 779 00:35:15,613 --> 00:35:18,491 But if one thing went wrong, 780 00:35:18,574 --> 00:35:19,700 total nightmare. Like, 781 00:35:19,784 --> 00:35:24,330 I was like those spikes you drive over when you're returning a rental car. 782 00:35:24,413 --> 00:35:27,291 Like as long as you keep moving forward, everything's great. 783 00:35:27,375 --> 00:35:30,920 But if you back up even a little, I will slash all your tires. 784 00:35:31,003 --> 00:35:31,838 [audience laughs] 785 00:35:31,921 --> 00:35:34,632 And then be like, "What? I put up a sign." 786 00:35:34,715 --> 00:35:35,591 [audience laughs] 787 00:35:35,675 --> 00:35:37,051 And you're like, "I know, I mean, I know 788 00:35:37,135 --> 00:35:39,512 I messed up a little but like this reaction seems cra… 789 00:35:39,595 --> 00:35:42,265 like other speed bumps don't react like that." And I'm like, 790 00:35:42,348 --> 00:35:44,475 "Then go be with her!" 791 00:35:44,559 --> 00:35:47,603 - [audience laughs] - [chuckles] 792 00:35:47,687 --> 00:35:49,772 We are not friends, my ex-fiancé and I, 793 00:35:49,856 --> 00:35:52,066 because I think it's weird when exes try to be friends 794 00:35:52,150 --> 00:35:53,067 with each other and they're like, 795 00:35:53,151 --> 00:35:56,904 "We'll hang out, we'll get fro yo." You're like, "Fro yo? 796 00:35:56,988 --> 00:35:58,781 I know what you taste like. 797 00:35:58,865 --> 00:36:01,868 - I'm not gonna sample yogurt with you, - [audience laughs] 798 00:36:01,951 --> 00:36:02,952 you psycho. 799 00:36:03,035 --> 00:36:07,331 Do they have Kevin after a run, do they have that flavor at Yogurtland?" 800 00:36:07,415 --> 00:36:10,334 They do, it's salted caramel, but still. 801 00:36:10,418 --> 00:36:14,714 [audience cheers, claps] 802 00:36:18,467 --> 00:36:21,345 I went back home after I called off my engagement 803 00:36:21,429 --> 00:36:23,681 for whatever holiday doesn't offend you and… 804 00:36:23,764 --> 00:36:25,391 [audience laughs] 805 00:36:25,474 --> 00:36:26,893 a lot of my friends are settling down. 806 00:36:26,976 --> 00:36:29,520 Some of them are just settling, period, end of sentence. 807 00:36:29,604 --> 00:36:30,646 [audience laughs] 808 00:36:30,730 --> 00:36:32,190 You guys know those couples? 809 00:36:32,273 --> 00:36:33,816 Everyone knows one couple like that 810 00:36:33,900 --> 00:36:36,277 where like one person in the couple is way hotter 811 00:36:36,360 --> 00:36:38,279 and cooler than the other person in the couple. 812 00:36:38,362 --> 00:36:41,073 I like to call those couples chocolate-covered raisins. 813 00:36:41,157 --> 00:36:42,783 [audience laughs] 814 00:36:42,867 --> 00:36:47,330 Because you're like sure, you could put those two together, if you want. 815 00:36:47,413 --> 00:36:49,373 [audience laughs] 816 00:36:49,457 --> 00:36:53,085 But every time you see them, you're like, "Chocolate, what are you doing? 817 00:36:53,169 --> 00:36:54,337 [audience laughs] 818 00:36:54,420 --> 00:36:55,838 You could've been with anybody. 819 00:36:55,922 --> 00:36:58,049 You could've been with caramel, you could've been with marshmallow, 820 00:36:58,132 --> 00:37:01,844 you could've been with peanut butter, who I heard cures depression, 821 00:37:01,928 --> 00:37:05,514 [audience laughs] 822 00:37:07,308 --> 00:37:10,186 and you want to be with raisin forever? 823 00:37:10,269 --> 00:37:14,941 Like, no offense, raisin, you're great, we love you, nature's candy, that's you. 824 00:37:15,024 --> 00:37:19,153 But you belong with like oatmeal, like, you know that, right? 825 00:37:19,237 --> 00:37:20,821 This doesn't feel good, 826 00:37:20,905 --> 00:37:22,865 right? Aren't you scared every day 827 00:37:22,949 --> 00:37:26,077 that someone's gonna come along and suck chocolate right off of you? 828 00:37:26,160 --> 00:37:27,119 [audience laughs] 829 00:37:27,703 --> 00:37:28,746 I love this joke 830 00:37:28,829 --> 00:37:30,539 'cause I like to see couples in the audience looking at each other like, 831 00:37:30,623 --> 00:37:32,583 "Am I chocolate or raisin? 832 00:37:32,667 --> 00:37:34,335 [audience laughs] 833 00:37:34,418 --> 00:37:37,421 We're both chocolate, right, babe? We're chocolate-covered chocolate? 834 00:37:37,505 --> 00:37:40,424 We're like those little Lindor guys in the foil, you know? 835 00:37:40,508 --> 00:37:42,051 I'm the creamy part and you're the shell 836 00:37:42,134 --> 00:37:44,637 [sobbing] 'cause you're so strong and if you leave me, I'll be a mess." 837 00:37:44,720 --> 00:37:50,101 [audience laughs] 838 00:37:54,981 --> 00:37:58,484 Some of you are like, "I am oatmeal and I am good with it." 839 00:37:58,567 --> 00:37:59,610 [audience laughs] 840 00:38:02,154 --> 00:38:04,573 I made the mistake of talking to my happiest married friend 841 00:38:04,657 --> 00:38:06,701 after I called off my engagement, don't do that. 842 00:38:06,784 --> 00:38:11,205 Your happiest married friend doesn't remember what it's like to be heartbroken. 843 00:38:11,289 --> 00:38:12,331 She's like, "Well, what are you gonna do now? 844 00:38:12,415 --> 00:38:14,458 You're gonna get back out there? Are you seeing anybody?" 845 00:38:14,542 --> 00:38:17,253 And I was like, "Nope, just gonna focus on my career for a little bit." 846 00:38:17,336 --> 00:38:18,170 And she's like, 847 00:38:18,254 --> 00:38:21,424 "Well, why can't you focus on a career and a relationship at the same time?" 848 00:38:21,507 --> 00:38:24,844 - And I was like, "How do I explain this - [audience chuckles] 849 00:38:24,927 --> 00:38:26,387 in a way you might understand? 850 00:38:26,470 --> 00:38:29,390 [muttering] Why can't I focus on a career and a relationship? 851 00:38:29,473 --> 00:38:31,350 Have you ever been on the freeway 852 00:38:31,434 --> 00:38:35,104 in traffic and your lane stops but the one next to you keeps moving, 853 00:38:35,187 --> 00:38:36,022 so you get in the one that's moving, 854 00:38:36,105 --> 00:38:38,149 and as soon as you get in the one that's moving, that one stops 855 00:38:38,232 --> 00:38:39,859 and the one next to you starts moving again. 856 00:38:39,942 --> 00:38:41,652 So you get back in that first one 'cause that one's moving now 857 00:38:41,736 --> 00:38:42,695 and as soon as you get back in that first one, 858 00:38:42,778 --> 00:38:44,655 that one stops again and the one next to you starts moving. 859 00:38:44,739 --> 00:38:47,658 And after you go back and forth a few more times, at a certain point, you're like, 860 00:38:47,742 --> 00:38:50,703 "Okay. Is it fucking me?" 861 00:38:50,786 --> 00:38:55,708 [audience laughs] 862 00:39:01,422 --> 00:39:02,882 And she's like, "Yeah, I don't know if I get it 863 00:39:02,965 --> 00:39:04,925 because you know, John and I, we usually just boop, 864 00:39:05,009 --> 00:39:06,802 get in the carpool lane. 865 00:39:06,886 --> 00:39:09,013 [audience laughs] 866 00:39:11,682 --> 00:39:14,393 And I was like, "Where's your baby? Imma drop it!" 867 00:39:14,477 --> 00:39:18,397 [audience laughs] 868 00:39:22,151 --> 00:39:24,236 I actually did get into a new relationship pretty quickly 869 00:39:24,320 --> 00:39:25,821 after I called off my engagement. 870 00:39:25,905 --> 00:39:27,656 I wasn't trying to, I really wasn't. 871 00:39:27,740 --> 00:39:30,618 A lot of my friends were like, "You should stay single for a while. 872 00:39:30,701 --> 00:39:33,371 You should maybe get a cat." And I was like, hard pass. 873 00:39:33,454 --> 00:39:37,708 I have never left an interaction with a cat feeling better about who I was. 874 00:39:37,792 --> 00:39:38,793 [audience laughs] 875 00:39:38,876 --> 00:39:41,837 Every cat reacts to people the way I react to seeing girls 876 00:39:41,921 --> 00:39:43,589 I went to middle school with in a Target. 877 00:39:43,672 --> 00:39:44,799 Just like… 878 00:39:44,882 --> 00:39:48,135 [audience laughs] 879 00:39:48,219 --> 00:39:50,513 [shouts] Oh, no! Like that's every cat. 880 00:39:50,596 --> 00:39:51,430 [audience laughs] 881 00:39:51,514 --> 00:39:53,432 I don't want to come home to that energy. 882 00:39:53,516 --> 00:39:54,975 [audience laughs] 883 00:39:56,268 --> 00:39:57,686 But I wasn't looking for a relationship. 884 00:39:57,770 --> 00:40:00,231 I was trying to have like a fun, sexy fling 885 00:40:00,314 --> 00:40:01,732 which doesn't usually go great for me 886 00:40:01,816 --> 00:40:03,359 because I have this round wholesome face 887 00:40:03,442 --> 00:40:05,236 that people think they should build a life with. 888 00:40:05,319 --> 00:40:06,153 [audience laughs] 889 00:40:06,237 --> 00:40:09,740 Every time I'm like, "We could bone or whatever." Guys are like, "No, I'm alright 890 00:40:09,824 --> 00:40:11,826 but you could meet my mom, do you want to do that? 891 00:40:11,909 --> 00:40:14,578 You seem like you'd be better at meeting my mom than having sex." 892 00:40:14,662 --> 00:40:16,831 - And they are not wrong, alright? - [audience laughs] 893 00:40:16,914 --> 00:40:19,083 I will meet your mom all night long. 894 00:40:19,166 --> 00:40:20,709 Moms like me so much for no reason. 895 00:40:20,793 --> 00:40:24,338 I was dating a guy years ago, we were totally on the rocks having problems, 896 00:40:24,422 --> 00:40:26,799 and I went to lunch with his mom hoping to get some advice, 897 00:40:26,882 --> 00:40:28,801 and halfway through lunch, she puts her hand on my hand 898 00:40:28,884 --> 00:40:31,512 and goes, "You know, Taylor, my son's a lot like his father. 899 00:40:32,054 --> 00:40:32,888 [audience chuckles] 900 00:40:32,972 --> 00:40:35,683 And if I could go back in time, 901 00:40:35,766 --> 00:40:38,185 [audience laughs] 902 00:40:38,269 --> 00:40:42,106 I don't know that I'd marry his father again." 903 00:40:42,189 --> 00:40:43,441 [audience laughs] 904 00:40:45,234 --> 00:40:48,612 [audience laughs] 905 00:40:49,738 --> 00:40:53,117 And I was like, "Are you saving my life in this Panera Bread right now?" 906 00:40:53,200 --> 00:40:54,827 [audience laughs] 907 00:40:54,910 --> 00:40:58,330 It was like a movie when an older character sacrifices themselves 908 00:40:58,414 --> 00:41:00,749 for the good of the journey, like she Gandalfed me. 909 00:41:00,833 --> 00:41:02,293 She was like, "Fly, you fool!" 910 00:41:02,376 --> 00:41:06,755 [audience laughs] 911 00:41:09,049 --> 00:41:13,888 She was a bad mom and a bad wife but such a good friend, 912 00:41:13,971 --> 00:41:17,892 - oh my God! Hoes before sons, am I right? - [audience laughs] 913 00:41:17,975 --> 00:41:20,186 I think about her every day. 914 00:41:21,479 --> 00:41:24,148 And my boyfriend wasn't looking for a relationship either 915 00:41:24,231 --> 00:41:26,734 when we met, straight dudes usually aren't, you know. 916 00:41:26,817 --> 00:41:29,820 Women are surprised when they find a guy who can make them cum 917 00:41:29,904 --> 00:41:31,780 and straight dudes are surprised when they find a girl 918 00:41:31,864 --> 00:41:34,575 who can make them feel genuine feelings in their heart. 919 00:41:34,658 --> 00:41:37,828 Like women are like, "He got me off three times." 920 00:41:37,912 --> 00:41:40,331 And guys are like, [in low voice] "I mean, 921 00:41:40,414 --> 00:41:42,541 I just fucking like her, dude. 922 00:41:42,625 --> 00:41:48,047 [audience laughs] 923 00:41:48,130 --> 00:41:51,383 [in low voice] Like we talked all day, I didn't want to hit her, it was nuts! 924 00:41:51,467 --> 00:41:52,718 [audience laughs] 925 00:41:52,801 --> 00:41:57,515 She's just like my friend. I don't know, I want to like lick her heart, I think." 926 00:41:57,598 --> 00:41:58,891 [audience laughs] 927 00:41:59,642 --> 00:42:03,562 Straight dudes are so proud of themselves for falling in love. It's really cute. 928 00:42:03,646 --> 00:42:05,523 They're like, [in low voice] "I love you. 929 00:42:05,606 --> 00:42:08,275 Hell yeah, buddy, I knew you could get there." 930 00:42:08,359 --> 00:42:09,610 [audience laughs] 931 00:42:09,693 --> 00:42:11,987 Women fall in love, we're like, "I love you. 932 00:42:12,071 --> 00:42:13,989 [whispering] Fucking again? You dumb bitch. 933 00:42:14,073 --> 00:42:15,282 [audience laughs] 934 00:42:15,366 --> 00:42:17,117 You were supposed to love you first, 935 00:42:17,201 --> 00:42:19,578 - you keep skipping that part! - [audience laughs] 936 00:42:19,662 --> 00:42:21,622 It is eat, pray, then love! 937 00:42:21,705 --> 00:42:22,581 [audience laughs] 938 00:42:22,665 --> 00:42:25,960 Oh my God. It's okay, we'll try again in a year and a half." 939 00:42:26,043 --> 00:42:27,711 [audience laughs] 940 00:42:33,050 --> 00:42:34,927 My boyfriend is seven years older than me 941 00:42:35,010 --> 00:42:36,971 'cause I needed to get back on my dad for some stuff. 942 00:42:37,054 --> 00:42:39,390 [audience laughs] 943 00:42:39,473 --> 00:42:41,183 Older guys are just better. 944 00:42:41,267 --> 00:42:43,978 They're just better, you never have to ask them to buy Pepto Bismol, 945 00:42:44,061 --> 00:42:45,729 - they just have it in the house. - [audience laughs] 946 00:42:46,355 --> 00:42:48,357 They pull it out after dinner like a nightcap, 947 00:42:48,440 --> 00:42:49,733 like, "You want some pink juice, baby girl?" 948 00:42:49,817 --> 00:42:51,277 You're like, "Yes, I would, cheers." 949 00:42:51,360 --> 00:42:52,736 [audience laughs] 950 00:42:52,820 --> 00:42:55,239 Older guys don't call you things like "cute" or "hot." 951 00:42:55,322 --> 00:42:58,492 They call you things like "stunning, gorgeous," shit with syllables, 952 00:42:58,576 --> 00:43:02,329 things that would take a 20-something guy a little while to settle down. 953 00:43:02,413 --> 00:43:03,664 [audience laughs] 954 00:43:03,747 --> 00:43:07,126 And older guys aren't like, cute or hot either. You know, they're handsome, 955 00:43:07,209 --> 00:43:10,838 distinguished, like old pictures of your grandpa you shouldn't look at too long. 956 00:43:10,921 --> 00:43:16,176 [audience laughs] 957 00:43:16,260 --> 00:43:18,679 You ever find one of those in an old dusty box? 958 00:43:18,762 --> 00:43:20,431 You're like, "Who is that? 959 00:43:20,514 --> 00:43:23,309 - Oh, that's wrong. Okay." - [audience laughs] 960 00:43:23,392 --> 00:43:25,603 They're not your family in those pictures yet. 961 00:43:25,686 --> 00:43:28,022 They're just the past, it is a gray area. 962 00:43:28,105 --> 00:43:30,065 [audience laughs] 963 00:43:30,149 --> 00:43:31,317 Oh, I'll get weirder. 964 00:43:31,400 --> 00:43:33,611 You ever see a picture of your parents when they were young and hot? 965 00:43:33,694 --> 00:43:35,154 And you get like weirdly mad 966 00:43:35,237 --> 00:43:38,324 'cause you know they would've never dated you? 967 00:43:38,407 --> 00:43:39,700 [audience laughs] 968 00:43:39,783 --> 00:43:41,994 I saw a picture of my dad in college football once. 969 00:43:42,077 --> 00:43:43,078 I didn't talk to him for three weeks. 970 00:43:43,162 --> 00:43:46,707 I'm like, "You would've left me at a drive-in, you Danny Zuko piece of shit!" 971 00:43:46,790 --> 00:43:50,169 [audience laughs] 972 00:43:50,252 --> 00:43:52,087 He's like, "What?" I'm like, "I can't hug you for a year 973 00:43:52,171 --> 00:43:53,547 and I don't want to talk about it." 974 00:43:53,631 --> 00:43:56,175 [audience laughs] 975 00:43:56,258 --> 00:43:58,594 It's always awkward getting into a new relationship, though, 976 00:43:58,677 --> 00:44:00,679 especially right after you called off an engagement 977 00:44:00,763 --> 00:44:04,725 because you don't feel like you can say any cheesy romantic crap ever again. 978 00:44:04,808 --> 00:44:07,478 Even if you feel it, you just feel like you're a jinx. 979 00:44:07,561 --> 00:44:09,396 So when the next person is like, "I wanna be with you forever." 980 00:44:09,480 --> 00:44:12,149 You're like, "Oh, wouldn't that be something? 981 00:44:12,232 --> 00:44:14,151 [audience laughs] 982 00:44:14,234 --> 00:44:16,820 I can't… I can't use the F-word anymore 983 00:44:16,904 --> 00:44:20,074 but I just need to build my credit back up but… 984 00:44:20,157 --> 00:44:23,452 - [audience laughs] - samesies, bro, for sure." 985 00:44:24,620 --> 00:44:25,913 New relationships are awkward 986 00:44:25,996 --> 00:44:28,248 'cause you gotta tell a whole new person what you like in bed 987 00:44:28,332 --> 00:44:29,625 and the only reason you know what you like in bed 988 00:44:29,708 --> 00:44:31,877 is 'cause someone else did it to you first. 989 00:44:31,960 --> 00:44:33,921 - [audience laughs] - But you can't say it like that, right? 990 00:44:34,004 --> 00:44:35,714 You gotta do that cute little tap dance of like, 991 00:44:35,798 --> 00:44:38,175 "Oh, babe, you know what would be so fun 992 00:44:38,258 --> 00:44:40,844 that's never even occurred to me before?" 993 00:44:40,928 --> 00:44:43,972 "You know what your body is inspiring me to do right now?" 994 00:44:44,056 --> 00:44:45,140 But in your head, you're just like, 995 00:44:45,224 --> 00:44:48,352 - "Do it like Craig. Could you just…" - [audience laughs] 996 00:44:48,435 --> 00:44:51,021 "Do it how Craig did it every time?" 997 00:44:51,105 --> 00:44:53,649 "Craig didn't do shit right, he did that right, let me tell you." 998 00:44:53,732 --> 00:44:55,275 "Can we just call him?" 999 00:44:55,359 --> 00:44:57,403 - "Can we just call him and ask?" - [audience laughs] 1000 00:44:57,486 --> 00:44:59,947 "It's not a big deal, we're all adults here." 1001 00:45:00,030 --> 00:45:02,241 "Remember we reset the Wi-Fi router last month?" 1002 00:45:02,324 --> 00:45:05,869 "It's just like that, babe. He's just a voice on the phone with the password." 1003 00:45:05,953 --> 00:45:07,996 - [audience laughs] - "That's all he is to me now." 1004 00:45:10,332 --> 00:45:13,293 "No, I did block his number when you asked me to, of course I did." 1005 00:45:13,377 --> 00:45:14,628 "But when you block a number, 1006 00:45:14,711 --> 00:45:17,673 your phone kinda just saves it in a different folder." 1007 00:45:17,756 --> 00:45:18,841 [audience laughs] 1008 00:45:19,425 --> 00:45:22,970 Oh, some of us are gonna fight in the car, not everybody knew that. 1009 00:45:23,053 --> 00:45:25,848 [audience laughs] 1010 00:45:25,931 --> 00:45:27,850 You have to be able to talk about what you like in bed 1011 00:45:27,933 --> 00:45:30,769 and you have to know what you can and can't say, 1012 00:45:30,853 --> 00:45:34,440 alright? Like I've been telling guys for years I like it a little rougher in bed. 1013 00:45:34,523 --> 00:45:35,691 I don't say it like that, I say like, 1014 00:45:35,774 --> 00:45:38,819 - "Oh, I'm damaged," you know. - [audience laughs] 1015 00:45:38,902 --> 00:45:40,404 If you're a straight guy, don't say that. 1016 00:45:40,487 --> 00:45:42,156 If a straight dude's like, [in low voice] "I'm damaged," 1017 00:45:42,239 --> 00:45:44,450 fucking run! That guy… 1018 00:45:44,533 --> 00:45:46,994 that guy wants your toes in a baggy. So… 1019 00:45:47,077 --> 00:45:49,997 [audience laughs] 1020 00:45:50,080 --> 00:45:52,541 Sometimes you think you like something and you don't. 1021 00:45:52,624 --> 00:45:54,418 I thought I like dirty talk, turns out, 1022 00:45:54,501 --> 00:45:58,005 I just like dirty phrases we agreed upon earlier. 1023 00:45:58,088 --> 00:45:59,131 [audience laughs] 1024 00:45:59,214 --> 00:46:00,549 You ever tell someone you like dirty talk 1025 00:46:00,632 --> 00:46:01,925 and then they hit you with something in bed 1026 00:46:02,009 --> 00:46:05,012 and you're like, "Nah, that was not approved by corporate, no." 1027 00:46:05,095 --> 00:46:07,389 [audience laughs] 1028 00:46:09,141 --> 00:46:12,311 I was having sex with a guy once, I was on top and he just went, 1029 00:46:12,394 --> 00:46:14,521 [shouting] "Look at you!" 1030 00:46:14,605 --> 00:46:18,066 [audience laughs] 1031 00:46:27,534 --> 00:46:33,457 [audience laughs, cheers] 1032 00:46:42,758 --> 00:46:46,386 - Like I was taking my first steps. - [audience laughs] 1033 00:46:47,095 --> 00:46:50,057 I'm like, "You better get the camcorder, daddy, 1034 00:46:50,140 --> 00:46:52,059 'cause I am never getting up here again." 1035 00:46:52,142 --> 00:46:54,228 [audience laughs] 1036 00:46:54,811 --> 00:46:57,189 My parents don't watch me do stand-up anymore, don't worry. 1037 00:46:57,272 --> 00:46:58,482 [audience laughs] 1038 00:46:58,565 --> 00:46:59,733 Don't worry, they're not interested. 1039 00:46:59,816 --> 00:47:01,568 No Christian parents want to watch their daughter 1040 00:47:01,652 --> 00:47:04,530 talk about depression and dick for an hour. It's not fun for them. 1041 00:47:04,613 --> 00:47:06,490 [audience laughs] 1042 00:47:07,491 --> 00:47:10,327 My parents don't have a dark sense of humor 1043 00:47:10,410 --> 00:47:12,788 and I do, and I'm glad I do because 1044 00:47:12,871 --> 00:47:15,082 if you can laugh at the darkest stuff that's ever happened to you 1045 00:47:15,165 --> 00:47:18,335 while it's still actively happening to you, 1046 00:47:18,418 --> 00:47:21,213 sometimes that's what gets you through it. For example, 1047 00:47:21,296 --> 00:47:23,048 here's a joke they will not like. 1048 00:47:23,131 --> 00:47:25,008 [audience laughs] 1049 00:47:25,092 --> 00:47:29,054 Did you guys know that sometimes when you call a suicide hotline 1050 00:47:29,137 --> 00:47:32,349 and the call drops, they do not call you back? 1051 00:47:32,432 --> 00:47:34,226 [audience laughs] 1052 00:47:34,309 --> 00:47:37,187 Yeah, you think that'd be the time for star 69 1053 00:47:37,271 --> 00:47:39,189 but sometimes they just ring a bell in the cubicle, 1054 00:47:39,273 --> 00:47:41,858 like, "Lost another one, that's lunch!" 1055 00:47:41,942 --> 00:47:43,735 [audience laughs] 1056 00:47:43,819 --> 00:47:46,071 Some of you are tensing up like, "Did that really happen?" Yeah, 1057 00:47:46,154 --> 00:47:49,199 a few years ago and it was fucking hilarious. 1058 00:47:49,283 --> 00:47:51,410 I was on the floor of a DoubleTree Hotel, 1059 00:47:51,493 --> 00:47:55,122 like, "Did this bitch just ghost me while I'm trying to ghost myself?" 1060 00:47:55,205 --> 00:47:56,582 - "That is…" - [audience laughs] 1061 00:47:56,665 --> 00:47:59,501 "I mean, I've been left on read, I've never been left for dead." 1062 00:47:59,585 --> 00:48:00,877 "That's a new one." 1063 00:48:00,961 --> 00:48:03,297 - [audience laughs] - "That is brutal." 1064 00:48:03,380 --> 00:48:06,758 I wasn't even mad. For all I know, that's how they train those volunteers. 1065 00:48:06,842 --> 00:48:08,510 Like, "Hey, some nights, 1066 00:48:08,594 --> 00:48:11,888 - we get too many calls. - [audience laughs] 1067 00:48:11,972 --> 00:48:14,683 Fridays are big for us, in those situations, 1068 00:48:14,766 --> 00:48:16,935 you're just gonna have to use your best judgment, 1069 00:48:17,019 --> 00:48:21,023 alright? Like I usually wait for like a privileged white girl name, 1070 00:48:21,106 --> 00:48:23,567 like a Chelsea, a Kelsey, a Taylor. 1071 00:48:23,650 --> 00:48:27,863 Those are the salmon I throw back and hope they swim upstream on their own." 1072 00:48:27,946 --> 00:48:31,658 [audience laughs] 1073 00:48:31,742 --> 00:48:34,703 Even if I was mad, what am I gonna do, hop on Yelp? Like, 1074 00:48:34,786 --> 00:48:37,039 "One star, totally killed myself. 1075 00:48:37,122 --> 00:48:41,168 [audience laughs] 1076 00:48:41,251 --> 00:48:43,712 You're gonna wish I killed myself after this review." 1077 00:48:43,795 --> 00:48:45,130 [audience laughs] 1078 00:48:45,213 --> 00:48:47,424 I did that joke in Texas a few weeks ago 1079 00:48:47,507 --> 00:48:50,594 and there was a girl, white, my age in the crowd who goes, 1080 00:48:50,677 --> 00:48:53,263 [shouting] "And the wait times are ridiculous!" 1081 00:48:53,347 --> 00:48:58,185 [audience laughs] 1082 00:48:58,268 --> 00:49:00,646 And she's right, okay? I think, 1083 00:49:00,729 --> 00:49:02,981 personally, I think if you are a frequent caller, 1084 00:49:03,065 --> 00:49:05,859 there should be some sort of rewards program. 1085 00:49:05,942 --> 00:49:08,445 You know, like when you show loyalty to an airline. 1086 00:49:08,528 --> 00:49:10,405 Like, you should be able to do that with suicide hotlines 1087 00:49:10,489 --> 00:49:11,615 where you call in and they're like, 1088 00:49:11,698 --> 00:49:13,450 [in robotic voice] "Please enter your rewards number." 1089 00:49:13,533 --> 00:49:14,701 Boop, boop, boop. 1090 00:49:14,785 --> 00:49:17,162 "Welcome back… [sobbing] Taylor. 1091 00:49:17,245 --> 00:49:18,163 [audience laughs] 1092 00:49:24,961 --> 00:49:27,839 Thank you for your diamond medallion status. 1093 00:49:27,923 --> 00:49:30,425 You are now third in line. 1094 00:49:30,509 --> 00:49:34,596 Would you like to use an upgrade and kick someone else out? 1095 00:49:34,680 --> 00:49:37,974 [audience laughs] 1096 00:49:43,480 --> 00:49:47,109 My parents are still very, very religious. 1097 00:49:47,192 --> 00:49:48,193 My dad was so religious growing up, 1098 00:49:48,276 --> 00:49:51,780 he used to insist on praying out loud in restaurants before we ate dinner, 1099 00:49:51,863 --> 00:49:54,282 which is fine if you're into that but keep it short. 1100 00:49:54,366 --> 00:49:55,450 - [audience laughs] - He wouldn't do that. 1101 00:49:55,534 --> 00:49:59,162 He would do long, drawn-out prayers full of personal details 1102 00:49:59,246 --> 00:50:01,248 that none of us signed off on at the table 1103 00:50:01,331 --> 00:50:04,376 which made puberty pretty rough with your dad in public just like, 1104 00:50:04,459 --> 00:50:07,212 "Thank you Lord for this food. Thank you for bringing us here together. 1105 00:50:07,295 --> 00:50:09,548 [shouting] Thank you that Taylor's a woman now 1106 00:50:09,631 --> 00:50:12,134 and is getting the help she needs in math." I'm like, 1107 00:50:12,217 --> 00:50:16,596 "Can you not tell this Chipotle that I'm bleeding and can't subtract? 1108 00:50:16,680 --> 00:50:19,891 [audience laughs] 1109 00:50:19,975 --> 00:50:22,436 I think God knows." 1110 00:50:22,519 --> 00:50:24,354 It's why I don't feel bad telling jokes 1111 00:50:24,438 --> 00:50:26,565 about my parents on stage now 'cause anytime they're like, 1112 00:50:26,648 --> 00:50:29,234 "Do you have to air our dirty laundry in front of strangers?" 1113 00:50:29,317 --> 00:50:32,237 I'm like, "Hometown Buffet, 1998. 1114 00:50:32,320 --> 00:50:34,406 [audience laughs] 1115 00:50:34,489 --> 00:50:36,616 You told everyone within a five-booth radius 1116 00:50:36,700 --> 00:50:38,785 that I shat my pants the night before. 1117 00:50:38,869 --> 00:50:39,953 [audience laughs] 1118 00:50:40,036 --> 00:50:43,039 - I can say whatever I want. - [audience laughs] 1119 00:50:45,500 --> 00:50:47,002 I'm not religious anymore. 1120 00:50:47,085 --> 00:50:51,214 I have had some friends find religion as adults recently which is very upsetting. 1121 00:50:51,298 --> 00:50:52,841 - [inhales deeply] - [audience laughs] 1122 00:50:52,924 --> 00:50:56,720 If you grew up religious and you're not anymore and your adult friends 1123 00:50:56,803 --> 00:51:00,307 find religion, it feels like God is your shitty ex-boyfriend 1124 00:51:00,390 --> 00:51:02,768 who's now getting it together for your friend 1125 00:51:02,851 --> 00:51:06,146 and you just have to watch it happen on Facebook. 1126 00:51:06,229 --> 00:51:08,690 They're like, "Have you met God? He's amazing." 1127 00:51:08,774 --> 00:51:12,444 I'm like, "Yeah, I grew up with God, he's a douchebag, alright? 1128 00:51:12,527 --> 00:51:15,197 Did he tell you you were broken and you need him? 1129 00:51:15,280 --> 00:51:17,991 - That's his move. That's what he does. - [audience laughs] 1130 00:51:18,074 --> 00:51:20,118 He says that to everybody. 1131 00:51:20,202 --> 00:51:22,954 Don't drink what he gives you. You drink that, the next thing you know, 1132 00:51:23,038 --> 00:51:26,833 you're eating his body, the holy spirit's inside you, it's a whole system they have 1133 00:51:26,917 --> 00:51:30,587 - over at that frat house they call church. - [audience laughs] 1134 00:51:30,670 --> 00:51:33,757 - Who else uses Roman numerals?" - [audience laughs] 1135 00:51:35,342 --> 00:51:38,261 That joke makes it sound like I resent my religious upbringing 1136 00:51:38,345 --> 00:51:40,764 and I do, so I nailed it. But… 1137 00:51:40,847 --> 00:51:46,520 [audience cheers, claps] 1138 00:51:46,603 --> 00:51:50,273 No, honestly, if I had to come up with some stuff 1139 00:51:50,357 --> 00:51:52,400 that was like positive about my growing up religious, 1140 00:51:52,484 --> 00:51:55,612 I'm sure I could with enough time and money but… 1141 00:51:55,695 --> 00:51:56,863 [audience laughs] 1142 00:51:56,947 --> 00:52:00,534 I do have some issues with it. It gave me some serious trust issues 1143 00:52:00,617 --> 00:52:03,411 and it just made me weird, growing up in church, 1144 00:52:03,495 --> 00:52:05,455 in ways that I am still discovering. 1145 00:52:05,539 --> 00:52:08,375 For example, I just found out that I masturbate wrong. 1146 00:52:08,458 --> 00:52:09,543 [audience laughs] 1147 00:52:09,626 --> 00:52:11,878 I will back up. Okay, so… 1148 00:52:11,962 --> 00:52:14,464 [audience laughs] 1149 00:52:14,548 --> 00:52:16,341 When I was growing up in church, 1150 00:52:16,424 --> 00:52:18,635 kids had youth group and at youth group, they were like, 1151 00:52:18,718 --> 00:52:21,471 "Don't have sex." And we were like, "For sure, for sure." 1152 00:52:21,555 --> 00:52:24,099 And then, they were like, "Don't even masturbate." 1153 00:52:24,182 --> 00:52:27,394 And all the girls were like, "Okay, we didn't even know that we could." 1154 00:52:27,477 --> 00:52:30,063 - [audience laughs] - And all the boys were like, "Why?" 1155 00:52:30,146 --> 00:52:33,400 - And… - [audience laughs] 1156 00:52:33,483 --> 00:52:36,027 the way they explained it to us was, 1157 00:52:36,111 --> 00:52:37,487 our youth pastor told us, he goes, 1158 00:52:37,571 --> 00:52:41,533 "It's not the physical act of masturbating that's the sin, you guys, alright? 1159 00:52:41,616 --> 00:52:43,785 It's not even the orgasm. In fact, if you have a wet dream, 1160 00:52:43,869 --> 00:52:46,454 thank God for the freebie and have an awesome day. 1161 00:52:46,538 --> 00:52:47,414 [audience laughs] 1162 00:52:47,497 --> 00:52:50,959 But what are you thinking about while you're doing that to yourself, guys? 1163 00:52:52,377 --> 00:52:54,296 [scattered laughs] 1164 00:52:54,379 --> 00:52:56,423 That's what the sin is. 1165 00:52:56,506 --> 00:52:58,592 It's the lust in your heart. 1166 00:52:58,675 --> 00:53:01,344 It's the impure thoughts in your head. 1167 00:53:01,428 --> 00:53:03,471 That is what the sin is." 1168 00:53:03,555 --> 00:53:08,059 So when I got to be an adult and I wanted to masturbate, I was like, "Well, 1169 00:53:08,852 --> 00:53:10,687 if I just don't think about anything, 1170 00:53:10,770 --> 00:53:16,151 [audience laughs] 1171 00:53:16,234 --> 00:53:18,695 I could probably still go to heaven, right? 1172 00:53:18,778 --> 00:53:22,616 Just like, clear your mind, get in there, get it done, 1173 00:53:22,699 --> 00:53:25,243 - see you soon, Jesus, right? - [audience laughs] 1174 00:53:25,327 --> 00:53:27,120 Touch nothing but the lamb." 1175 00:53:27,203 --> 00:53:29,456 [audience laughs] 1176 00:53:31,124 --> 00:53:35,795 [audience claps, cheers] 1177 00:53:35,879 --> 00:53:38,548 So I've been doing this my entire adult life. 1178 00:53:38,632 --> 00:53:41,885 All my friends are like, "You gotta meditate." I'm like, "I think I do." 1179 00:53:41,968 --> 00:53:42,969 [audience laughs] 1180 00:53:43,053 --> 00:53:45,096 And I do mean my entire adult life, 1181 00:53:45,180 --> 00:53:47,515 by the way. I did not masturbate until I was a grown woman. 1182 00:53:47,599 --> 00:53:50,352 I was that afraid of going to hell, alright? 1183 00:53:50,435 --> 00:53:53,897 Yeah. I had my first orgasm with my college boyfriend. 1184 00:53:53,980 --> 00:53:57,609 Do you know how embarrassing that is to get your first orgasm from another person? 1185 00:53:57,692 --> 00:54:01,154 That's like having a realtor show you your own house. 1186 00:54:01,237 --> 00:54:02,906 [audience laughs] 1187 00:54:03,615 --> 00:54:05,617 They're like, "And over here, we have a second bathroom." 1188 00:54:05,700 --> 00:54:08,620 - You're like, "A second bathroom?" - [audience laughs] 1189 00:54:08,703 --> 00:54:10,747 "You've been here for 19 years, 1190 00:54:10,830 --> 00:54:12,457 you never went poking around on your own?" 1191 00:54:12,540 --> 00:54:15,085 You're like, "I did once but I thought Jesus would get mad, 1192 00:54:15,168 --> 00:54:17,629 - [audience laughs] - so yeah, I don't actually own this place, 1193 00:54:17,712 --> 00:54:20,340 I'm just renting it from the guy upstairs, and… 1194 00:54:20,423 --> 00:54:22,384 if I flood the basement, I do not 1195 00:54:22,467 --> 00:54:24,761 get my security deposit back, so… 1196 00:54:24,844 --> 00:54:27,097 [audience laughs] 1197 00:54:27,180 --> 00:54:29,224 Is there anything else I should see while you're here?" 1198 00:54:29,307 --> 00:54:30,976 She's like, "Yeah, let me show you the doorbell." 1199 00:54:31,059 --> 00:54:32,894 I'm like, "Oh, is the doorbell even important?" 1200 00:54:32,978 --> 00:54:36,731 She's like, "The doorbell is the only thing that matters. 1201 00:54:36,815 --> 00:54:40,235 [audience laughs, claps] 1202 00:54:40,318 --> 00:54:43,738 Nobody comes inside without touching the doorbell." 1203 00:54:43,822 --> 00:54:48,952 [audience laughs] 1204 00:54:49,035 --> 00:54:50,328 "Oh, but I did touch it." 1205 00:54:50,412 --> 00:54:52,205 "You didn't use enough pressure, it didn't light up." 1206 00:54:52,288 --> 00:54:54,874 [audience laughs] 1207 00:54:56,918 --> 00:54:59,087 So I've been masturbating like this my entire adult life 1208 00:54:59,170 --> 00:55:01,214 and I recently mentioned it to a friend of mine 1209 00:55:01,297 --> 00:55:04,009 and you ever say something out loud and realize you never should have ever? 1210 00:55:04,092 --> 00:55:05,301 [audience laughs] 1211 00:55:05,385 --> 00:55:08,221 I said it so casually over brunch, didn't even think about it. I was like, 1212 00:55:08,304 --> 00:55:10,432 "Oh yeah, I mean, I don't think about anything while I do that." 1213 00:55:10,515 --> 00:55:13,393 And she was like, "What?" She put her fork down. "What? 1214 00:55:13,476 --> 00:55:15,478 [audience laughs] 1215 00:55:15,562 --> 00:55:17,397 You don't think about anything?" And I was like, 1216 00:55:17,480 --> 00:55:19,941 "Oh, no, I mean, I think some stuff, obviously. 1217 00:55:20,025 --> 00:55:21,401 And she was like, "What do you think about?" 1218 00:55:21,484 --> 00:55:25,989 And I was like, "Oh, you know, just like, 'almost there, making good time.' 1219 00:55:26,072 --> 00:55:29,159 [audience laughs] 1220 00:55:29,242 --> 00:55:31,494 You know, just like road trip thoughts, like… 1221 00:55:31,578 --> 00:55:34,706 'keep your hands steady, don't fall asleep. 1222 00:55:34,789 --> 00:55:36,541 Can't wait to get there so I can eat. 1223 00:55:36,624 --> 00:55:37,834 [audience laughs] 1224 00:55:37,917 --> 00:55:40,754 Better hurry up, Taco Bell's gonna close,' you know." 1225 00:55:40,837 --> 00:55:42,922 [audience laughs] 1226 00:55:45,550 --> 00:55:47,343 And she was like, "That is so weird, Taylor, 1227 00:55:47,427 --> 00:55:50,430 why don't you just watch porn like a normal person?" 1228 00:55:50,513 --> 00:55:51,931 And I was like, "Ugh, I don't like porn." 1229 00:55:52,015 --> 00:55:53,600 Every time I try to watch porn, I'm just like, 1230 00:55:53,683 --> 00:55:55,393 "You gotta shave there, too? 1231 00:55:55,477 --> 00:55:57,437 - [audience laughs] - I'm tired and I'm cold." 1232 00:55:58,480 --> 00:56:01,149 And I'm not against porn, okay? I'm not one of these people that's like, 1233 00:56:01,232 --> 00:56:03,401 "If you watch porn, it will ruin your relationship." 1234 00:56:03,485 --> 00:56:04,819 I don't feel that way, alright? 1235 00:56:04,903 --> 00:56:07,113 I dated a guy once who was really into massage porn 1236 00:56:07,197 --> 00:56:09,574 where the masseuse would like fuck their client at the end 1237 00:56:09,657 --> 00:56:11,409 which means sometimes when we had sex, 1238 00:56:11,493 --> 00:56:13,578 I get a massage! 1239 00:56:13,661 --> 00:56:17,373 [audience laughs, cheers] 1240 00:56:18,458 --> 00:56:22,587 That's an example of porn working for you! 1241 00:56:22,670 --> 00:56:24,547 [audience laughs] 1242 00:56:24,631 --> 00:56:27,634 But my friend was like horrified. She was like, "Taylor, 1243 00:56:27,717 --> 00:56:30,720 - this like monk masturbation thing you do, - [audience laughs] 1244 00:56:30,804 --> 00:56:33,389 it is so much creepier and weirder 1245 00:56:33,473 --> 00:56:37,102 than any porn I've ever seen and I've seen most of it." 1246 00:56:37,185 --> 00:56:38,561 [audience laughs] 1247 00:56:38,645 --> 00:56:41,898 And she goes, "There are so many different options porn-wise on the internet now, 1248 00:56:41,981 --> 00:56:46,194 you… just go home and Google 'porn for women' okay? 1249 00:56:46,277 --> 00:56:48,446 Just do it, I promise, 'porn for women.'" 1250 00:56:48,530 --> 00:56:51,157 And so I went home and I googled porn for women 1251 00:56:51,241 --> 00:56:53,034 so I wouldn't be weird at brunch. 1252 00:56:53,118 --> 00:56:55,703 [audience laughs] 1253 00:56:59,249 --> 00:57:02,085 And a lot of surprising things came up when I googled it. 1254 00:57:02,168 --> 00:57:04,170 First thing that came up when I googled porn for women 1255 00:57:04,254 --> 00:57:06,840 was a link to Disney Plus where all the Avengers movies are. 1256 00:57:06,923 --> 00:57:08,800 - Now… - [audience laughs] 1257 00:57:08,883 --> 00:57:12,512 For me, personally, they jump around too much. There's too many storylines. 1258 00:57:12,595 --> 00:57:15,431 You're almost there with Loki and now we're on Captain America? It's like, 1259 00:57:15,515 --> 00:57:16,391 I have to start over. 1260 00:57:16,474 --> 00:57:19,352 That's a different speed, a different pressure and now there's a raccoon? 1261 00:57:19,435 --> 00:57:22,021 - No. - [audience laughs] 1262 00:57:22,939 --> 00:57:26,109 The second thing that came up when I googled porn for women 1263 00:57:26,192 --> 00:57:28,653 was a website where real-life couples 1264 00:57:28,736 --> 00:57:31,030 are uploading amateur sex tapes. Yeah, 1265 00:57:31,114 --> 00:57:35,910 real-life couples are like, "Hey, we're so happy and in love, 1266 00:57:35,994 --> 00:57:39,998 we thought that we would film ourselves making love 1267 00:57:40,081 --> 00:57:43,918 and then put it online for you, a lonely person. 1268 00:57:44,002 --> 00:57:47,172 - [audience laughs] - Is it working? Are you wet?" 1269 00:57:47,255 --> 00:57:49,674 And you're like, "Not in the right place, no. 1270 00:57:49,757 --> 00:57:50,925 [audience laughs] 1271 00:57:51,009 --> 00:57:54,721 But congratulations, what you have seems really special." 1272 00:57:54,804 --> 00:57:55,722 [audience laughs] 1273 00:57:55,805 --> 00:57:58,224 The last thing that came up when I googled porn for women 1274 00:57:58,308 --> 00:58:01,394 I did not know existed, it's something called audio porn. 1275 00:58:01,478 --> 00:58:04,522 It's exactly what it sounds like. There's no visual aspect, it's all audio. 1276 00:58:04,606 --> 00:58:07,525 It's not really a porn star, it's more like a porn voice actor 1277 00:58:07,609 --> 00:58:09,903 talking you through a sexy situation. 1278 00:58:09,986 --> 00:58:13,281 It's like a podcast except don't listen while you're driving. 1279 00:58:13,364 --> 00:58:15,408 [audience laughs] 1280 00:58:15,492 --> 00:58:18,953 And because it's "for women," that just means there's a story, right? 1281 00:58:19,037 --> 00:58:22,332 - Anyone can watch, they don't check. - [audience laughs] 1282 00:58:22,415 --> 00:58:23,750 They don't just hop on the mic like, 1283 00:58:23,833 --> 00:58:26,461 [shouting] "Now it's out, bitch!" Like they 1284 00:58:26,544 --> 00:58:28,046 ease you into it. 1285 00:58:28,755 --> 00:58:33,176 And so the one I found is 20 minutes long. 1286 00:58:33,259 --> 00:58:35,720 I will send it to you if you DM me. 1287 00:58:35,803 --> 00:58:37,764 [audience laughs] 1288 00:58:37,847 --> 00:58:40,642 And the first 12 minutes, 1289 00:58:40,725 --> 00:58:46,439 the story, is just a man calming you down 1290 00:58:46,523 --> 00:58:48,566 [audience laughs] 1291 00:58:48,650 --> 00:58:52,070 after you've been in a car wreck. 1292 00:58:52,153 --> 00:58:56,115 [audience laughs] 1293 00:58:59,369 --> 00:59:01,538 That is the foreplay. 1294 00:59:01,621 --> 00:59:03,081 [audience laughs] 1295 00:59:03,790 --> 00:59:07,335 And you guys, I came so hard. I… 1296 00:59:07,418 --> 00:59:09,754 [audience laughs, claps] 1297 00:59:09,837 --> 00:59:11,381 I mean, 1298 00:59:12,382 --> 00:59:14,425 I didn't even make it to the sex part. 1299 00:59:14,509 --> 00:59:16,010 It was the comfort alone. 1300 00:59:16,094 --> 00:59:19,222 He's like, "It's okay, take some deep breaths, don't worry." 1301 00:59:19,305 --> 00:59:22,559 "The insurance companies will figure it out." 1302 00:59:22,642 --> 00:59:23,977 I'm like, "Oh my God, that's right!" 1303 00:59:24,060 --> 00:59:26,521 [shouting] "That's why we have insurance!" 1304 00:59:26,604 --> 00:59:29,983 By the time he was like, "What else can I do? Should I go down on you?" 1305 00:59:30,066 --> 00:59:33,528 I was like, "Nah, man, I got Allstate, I'm in good hands." 1306 00:59:33,611 --> 00:59:35,280 [audience laughs] 1307 00:59:35,363 --> 00:59:38,032 Thank you so much, Boston, you were absolutely amazing. 1308 00:59:38,116 --> 00:59:40,326 - [audience cheers] - Thank you so much. 1309 00:59:41,035 --> 00:59:44,163 I can't tell you, I really appreciate you. Thank you. 1310 00:59:44,247 --> 00:59:46,916 - [upbeat music] - [audience cheers] 1311 00:59:47,000 --> 00:59:49,752 You guys were amazing. Thank you so much, seriously. 1312 00:59:49,836 --> 00:59:53,131 [audience claps, cheers] 1313 01:00:40,637 --> 01:00:42,972 [upbeat music continues]