WEBVTT FILE 1 00:00:02.000 --> 00:00:07.000 Downloaded from YTS.MX 2 00:00:08.000 --> 00:00:13.000 Official YIFY movies site: YTS.MX 3 00:00:34.659 --> 00:00:39.456 Please welcome Taylor Tomlinson! 4 00:00:48.757 --> 00:00:50.550 Thank you so much! 5 00:00:53.094 --> 00:00:54.429 Thank you! 6 00:00:58.600 --> 00:01:00.935 Thank you, guys, so much! 7 00:01:01.603 --> 00:01:03.396 Thank you! 8 00:01:03.480 --> 00:01:08.026 I so, so appreciate you guys being here. It's been a rough couple of years. 9 00:01:08.109 --> 00:01:09.611 I got bangs at one point. 10 00:01:09.694 --> 00:01:12.072 - Shit got dark. 11 00:01:12.155 --> 00:01:14.908 I didn't even want bangs. I just needed people to check on me. 12 00:01:14.991 --> 00:01:16.785 And it works, by the way. 13 00:01:16.868 --> 00:01:18.244 You post a selfie in bangs, 14 00:01:18.328 --> 00:01:21.706 everybody's like, "Fire emoji. You go, girl!" Then they text you, like, 15 00:01:21.790 --> 00:01:22.874 "You okay?" 16 00:01:24.209 --> 00:01:26.753 Here's what I did. I got bangs 17 00:01:26.836 --> 00:01:28.088 and then two days later, 18 00:01:28.171 --> 00:01:31.716 - I did mushrooms for the first time. 19 00:01:31.800 --> 00:01:33.760 And as soon as I did those mushrooms, 20 00:01:33.843 --> 00:01:37.388 I was like, "I should've done these first. 21 00:01:39.140 --> 00:01:42.811 Probably wouldn't have gotten these bangs if I forgave myself, huh?" 22 00:01:44.229 --> 00:01:47.899 But you know what? Having bangs feels exactly like being on mushrooms. 23 00:01:47.982 --> 00:01:50.944 The whole time, you're just looking at your friends, like, "Do I look weird? 24 00:01:52.278 --> 00:01:54.906 You guys would tell me if I looked weird, right? Is it… 25 00:01:54.989 --> 00:01:56.783 Is it bad different? Is it not good-- 26 00:01:56.866 --> 00:01:59.077 You know what? I changed my mind. I don't want to do it. 27 00:01:59.160 --> 00:02:00.453 It's too late? It's already happening? 28 00:02:00.537 --> 00:02:02.497 Okay, no, I can be this person." 29 00:02:04.624 --> 00:02:07.460 I got back into therapy. Anybody in therapy? 30 00:02:10.088 --> 00:02:12.382 Mostly women. That's the problem. 31 00:02:15.218 --> 00:02:16.594 It's very hard to stay in therapy. 32 00:02:16.678 --> 00:02:18.847 My old therapist told me that when I get close to people, 33 00:02:18.930 --> 00:02:20.431 I have a tendency to self-sabotage. 34 00:02:20.515 --> 00:02:22.392 And I thought that was bullshit, 35 00:02:22.475 --> 00:02:23.893 so I ghosted her. 36 00:02:23.977 --> 00:02:25.687 - And then… 37 00:02:25.770 --> 00:02:29.190 I finally went back because I finally dated enough people 38 00:02:29.274 --> 00:02:33.486 who all gave me the exact same feedback about my shitty personality. 39 00:02:33.570 --> 00:02:35.780 You know, that romantic quota you hit where you're, like, 40 00:02:35.864 --> 00:02:39.325 - "Uh-oh! Might be me! 41 00:02:39.409 --> 00:02:42.787 Oh, the reviews are in and they are unanimous. 42 00:02:42.871 --> 00:02:43.913 That's a bummer." 43 00:02:43.997 --> 00:02:45.832 So after a really bad breakup a few years ago, 44 00:02:45.915 --> 00:02:47.834 I finally took a long hard look at myself 45 00:02:47.917 --> 00:02:52.213 and said, "Okay, Taylor, five out of five dudes all think that in fights, 46 00:02:52.297 --> 00:02:55.300 you behave like a raccoon trapped in a trash bag." 47 00:02:59.262 --> 00:03:02.140 "So maybe it's time to get some Klonopin 48 00:03:02.223 --> 00:03:04.434 or a rabies shot." 49 00:03:06.477 --> 00:03:08.104 I am fully medicated now. 50 00:03:08.187 --> 00:03:10.106 Anybody else? Anti-depressants? 51 00:03:10.189 --> 00:03:12.650 - Medication? Yeah. 52 00:03:12.734 --> 00:03:14.402 Nice. What are we on? Shout it out. 53 00:03:16.571 --> 00:03:19.324 Zoloft, Lexapro. Oh! 54 00:03:19.407 --> 00:03:23.119 - Look at us. Gang's all here! 55 00:03:23.202 --> 00:03:25.538 Oh my God! I'm also on something. 56 00:03:25.622 --> 00:03:28.583 I would never say what, that's very personal, but… 57 00:03:30.752 --> 00:03:32.128 No, I'm kidding. I'm on a few things. 58 00:03:32.211 --> 00:03:34.923 I am on Klonopin as needed for panic attacks. 59 00:03:35.006 --> 00:03:37.717 I'm so glad I have Klonopin now because before 60 00:03:37.800 --> 00:03:40.053 I had medication for it, I would have panic attacks 61 00:03:40.136 --> 00:03:41.638 right when I had to be somewhere, 62 00:03:41.721 --> 00:03:44.515 which is the worst time to get them 'cause then you just have to pinch 63 00:03:44.599 --> 00:03:48.019 the panic attack off like a shit you don't have time to take. 64 00:03:49.854 --> 00:03:51.522 You know what I mean? When you're, like, "Okay, 65 00:03:51.606 --> 00:03:53.858 I got 60% of that out of my system. 66 00:03:55.652 --> 00:03:58.529 - I'm not done but I gotta go to work. 67 00:03:58.613 --> 00:04:00.406 I will get to the other 40 later 68 00:04:00.490 --> 00:04:03.201 or I'll finish in the big stall at lunch if no one's in there. 69 00:04:07.705 --> 00:04:09.290 I got put on something else for sleep 70 00:04:09.374 --> 00:04:12.794 because I have night terrors. There's no fun, casual way to say that. 71 00:04:12.877 --> 00:04:16.673 - "Wake up screaming and…" 72 00:04:16.756 --> 00:04:18.758 These sleeper time pills I got are great. 73 00:04:18.841 --> 00:04:20.134 They don't stop the nightmares 74 00:04:20.218 --> 00:04:22.887 but they do hold you down while they're happening. 75 00:04:24.555 --> 00:04:26.432 Which sounds bad but before, 76 00:04:26.516 --> 00:04:28.643 I'd wake up in the middle so afraid 77 00:04:28.726 --> 00:04:30.561 and now, I stay asleep 78 00:04:30.645 --> 00:04:34.691 - until the nightmare's natural conclusion, 79 00:04:34.774 --> 00:04:37.694 - which provides you with some closure. 80 00:04:37.777 --> 00:04:40.488 - You're like, "Oh, he stabs me at the end. 81 00:04:40.571 --> 00:04:44.367 Okay, plot twist, M. Nightmare Shyamalan." 82 00:04:47.620 --> 00:04:49.455 I thought I was on an anti-depressant. 83 00:04:49.539 --> 00:04:50.623 It turns out I'm not. 84 00:04:50.707 --> 00:04:53.042 It turns out I'm actually on a mood stabilizer 85 00:04:53.126 --> 00:04:55.378 that they use as an anti-depressant. 86 00:04:55.461 --> 00:04:57.297 Fun fact about prescription drugs. 87 00:04:57.380 --> 00:05:00.675 Everything they prescribe, they actually use for, like, four different things. 88 00:05:00.758 --> 00:05:04.470 So you don't really know what your deal is 89 00:05:04.554 --> 00:05:06.806 until you find a combo that works 90 00:05:06.889 --> 00:05:09.142 and then Google all your pills by yourself. 91 00:05:10.685 --> 00:05:13.021 So after years of trial and error, 92 00:05:13.104 --> 00:05:15.398 I finally found a combination of things that worked for me, 93 00:05:15.481 --> 00:05:18.401 and six months ago, I decided to Google it 'cause what the hell. 94 00:05:18.484 --> 00:05:20.528 And it turns out that everything I'm taking 95 00:05:20.611 --> 00:05:24.198 is primarily used for bipolar disorder. 96 00:05:24.282 --> 00:05:27.994 So I went back to my psychiatrist and I was, like, "Hey. 97 00:05:30.580 --> 00:05:32.290 Do we think…?" 98 00:05:35.585 --> 00:05:38.254 And she was, like, "Oh! Yeah!" 99 00:05:47.305 --> 00:05:50.892 And I was, like, "Is this how you fucking tell people?" 100 00:05:52.310 --> 00:05:55.063 And she's, like, "No, of course not. We didn't know. 101 00:05:55.146 --> 00:05:56.355 I'm glad we figured it out." 102 00:05:56.439 --> 00:05:59.609 - And I was, like, "We?" 103 00:05:59.692 --> 00:06:02.278 I said, "You really didn't know that I was bipolar?" And she goes, 104 00:06:02.361 --> 00:06:04.947 "No, of course not. We thought we were treating anxiety and depression." 105 00:06:05.031 --> 00:06:07.617 And I said, "Okay. 'Cause this kinda feels like 106 00:06:07.700 --> 00:06:10.953 a putting your dog's medication in cheese situation." 107 00:06:16.375 --> 00:06:19.587 And I was, like, "I don't know how I feel about this diagnosis." And she goes, 108 00:06:19.670 --> 00:06:22.131 "Well, if it makes you feel better, you don't have to say, 109 00:06:22.215 --> 00:06:25.635 'I am bipolar.' You can say, 'I have bipolar.'" 110 00:06:25.718 --> 00:06:27.470 - Which feels a lot like someone going, 111 00:06:27.553 --> 00:06:30.389 "I said you were being a bitch." 112 00:06:39.774 --> 00:06:42.068 I'm so glad I know that I'm bipolar now. 113 00:06:42.151 --> 00:06:45.196 I mean, I have the right meds, I got a mood ring, I'm handling it. 114 00:06:46.989 --> 00:06:49.742 But when I first found out, it was a very tough pill to swallow. 115 00:06:49.826 --> 00:06:51.953 - And I've swallowed a lot of pills. 116 00:06:52.036 --> 00:06:53.955 Because when you first find out something like that, 117 00:06:54.038 --> 00:06:57.041 you're, like, "Oh man, am I gonna tell anybody? 118 00:06:57.125 --> 00:06:59.001 Should I tell anybody? 119 00:06:59.085 --> 00:07:01.337 And if I do tell people, 120 00:07:01.420 --> 00:07:03.631 am I hot 121 00:07:03.714 --> 00:07:08.010 and/or talented enough to be an inspiration?" 122 00:07:14.976 --> 00:07:18.438 Like, if I have a thing and someone else has that thing 123 00:07:18.521 --> 00:07:20.356 and they find out I have it too, 124 00:07:20.440 --> 00:07:24.068 are they gonna feel good or bad with that information? 125 00:07:24.152 --> 00:07:26.487 Because when I got diagnosed, they started listing names. 126 00:07:26.571 --> 00:07:28.698 They were, like, "You know who else is bipolar? 127 00:07:28.781 --> 00:07:30.450 Selena Gomez." 128 00:07:30.533 --> 00:07:31.409 And I was, like, 129 00:07:31.492 --> 00:07:34.370 - "That does make me feel better. 130 00:07:34.454 --> 00:07:37.748 - She is very pretty. 131 00:07:37.832 --> 00:07:39.542 Okay, I'll be bipolar." 132 00:07:41.419 --> 00:07:42.587 I did not grow up 133 00:07:42.670 --> 00:07:45.214 in a household that was very, like, mental health-conscious. 134 00:07:45.298 --> 00:07:46.382 Like, we were very religious. 135 00:07:46.466 --> 00:07:50.094 I don't know if you've ever tried to tell your conservative dad 136 00:07:50.178 --> 00:07:53.264 that you have a mental health issue. It doesn't go great. 137 00:07:53.347 --> 00:07:56.100 When I was in high school, I was like, "Dad, I think I'm depressed." 138 00:07:56.184 --> 00:07:59.353 And he was, like, "You just need some protein. Get a scoop of peanut butter." 139 00:08:00.980 --> 00:08:05.276 Yeah, there's a lot of dads out there just white-knuckling it through life right now, 140 00:08:05.359 --> 00:08:09.447 clinging to a jar of chunky Jif like it's the answer, 141 00:08:09.530 --> 00:08:11.908 just a buoy in the storm. 142 00:08:11.991 --> 00:08:15.620 - "It'll pass!" 143 00:08:16.746 --> 00:08:19.790 The only mental health advice my dad ever gave me 144 00:08:19.874 --> 00:08:21.584 is I was having panic attacks in high school 145 00:08:21.667 --> 00:08:24.003 and I didn't know what they were and I was very stressed out. 146 00:08:24.086 --> 00:08:24.962 And I was, like, "I don't know what to do. 147 00:08:25.046 --> 00:08:27.131 I don't know what to do when I feel like this. I don't know what to do." 148 00:08:27.215 --> 00:08:29.425 And he goes, "Alright. 149 00:08:30.301 --> 00:08:34.972 All I can tell you is that when you feel like this, 150 00:08:35.890 --> 00:08:40.311 get as far away from the people you care about as possible… 151 00:08:42.730 --> 00:08:45.816 until you feel different." 152 00:08:45.900 --> 00:08:49.570 Which is advice you give a werewolf, like… 153 00:08:51.697 --> 00:08:55.326 "Just run into the woods 'til you're not a monster anymore. 154 00:08:55.409 --> 00:08:59.497 Don't let them see you change. They won't accept you for what you truly are." 155 00:09:03.042 --> 00:09:05.336 And I had friends who scared me too when I was trying to get on medication. 156 00:09:05.419 --> 00:09:07.630 They were, like, "Ugh, I tried. I tried anti-depressants. 157 00:09:07.713 --> 00:09:10.258 I didn't like how I felt on them. I didn't feel like myself." 158 00:09:10.341 --> 00:09:13.469 And now that I'm on them, I'm, like, "Yeah, me neither! It's the best." 159 00:09:15.680 --> 00:09:18.140 Okay? And I do feel like myself. 160 00:09:18.224 --> 00:09:20.685 I just feel like now someone's sitting on me going, 161 00:09:20.768 --> 00:09:22.728 - "Shh! 162 00:09:22.812 --> 00:09:26.107 Stop talking. You will ruin everything. We are… 163 00:09:26.190 --> 00:09:27.441 We are trying to help you. 164 00:09:27.525 --> 00:09:29.944 You'd be married right now if you just shut the hell up. 165 00:09:31.153 --> 00:09:34.657 Remember that? Yeah, us too. We are trying to help you. Go to sleep. 166 00:09:34.740 --> 00:09:36.576 Choose a different adventure." 167 00:09:42.498 --> 00:09:45.084 And they warn you about the side effects when you get on medication. 168 00:09:45.167 --> 00:09:47.420 They go, "You know, your sex drive might go down." 169 00:09:47.503 --> 00:09:50.715 And I'll be honest, I have experienced that since I got on medication, 170 00:09:50.798 --> 00:09:54.218 but I can't tell if my sex drive is lower 171 00:09:54.302 --> 00:09:57.805 - or if my self-esteem is just higher now. 172 00:09:57.888 --> 00:09:58.973 You know? 173 00:10:01.934 --> 00:10:06.897 It's, like, am I not in the mood, or do I just not need the validation? Which is it? 174 00:10:06.981 --> 00:10:09.317 Because depression will bring you to your knees 175 00:10:09.400 --> 00:10:12.361 and you're, like, "While I'm down here, might as well make someone feel good. 176 00:10:12.445 --> 00:10:17.658 - I… do not want to waste a trip." 177 00:10:17.742 --> 00:10:20.369 If you're not laughing, congrats on your serotonin. 178 00:10:22.663 --> 00:10:25.875 And if you're, like, "What's serotonin?" Don't worry. You have enough. 179 00:10:32.923 --> 00:10:35.509 I wasn't sure if I was gonna talk about it on stage, 180 00:10:35.593 --> 00:10:38.429 and then I needed new material and I was, like, "Fire sale! Everything goes." 181 00:10:42.433 --> 00:10:43.768 No, truthfully, I was surprised 182 00:10:43.851 --> 00:10:46.437 that I felt so bad about it 'cause I think I'm pretty open-minded. 183 00:10:46.520 --> 00:10:48.689 And I don't think anybody should feel bad 184 00:10:48.773 --> 00:10:50.358 if they get diagnosed with a mental illness 185 00:10:50.441 --> 00:10:52.360 'cause it's just information about you 186 00:10:52.443 --> 00:10:54.820 that helps you know how to take better care of yourself. 187 00:10:54.904 --> 00:10:57.698 - Yeah. 188 00:10:57.782 --> 00:10:59.450 Being bipolar, there's nothing wrong with it. 189 00:10:59.533 --> 00:11:01.577 Being bipolar is like not knowing how to swim. 190 00:11:01.661 --> 00:11:02.953 It might be embarrassing to tell people 191 00:11:03.037 --> 00:11:05.331 and it might be hard to take you certain places. 192 00:11:12.254 --> 00:11:13.964 But they have arm floaties. 193 00:11:16.133 --> 00:11:19.220 And if you just take your arm floaties, 194 00:11:20.346 --> 00:11:22.264 you can go wherever the hell you want. 195 00:11:23.808 --> 00:11:26.811 And… I know some of you are, like, "But Taylor, 196 00:11:26.894 --> 00:11:28.687 what if people judge me for taking arm floaties?" 197 00:11:28.771 --> 00:11:30.898 Well, those people don't care if you live or die, 198 00:11:30.981 --> 00:11:32.691 - so maybe who cares? 199 00:11:32.775 --> 00:11:35.528 Maybe fuck those people a little. 200 00:11:35.611 --> 00:11:37.780 - I don't know. 201 00:11:44.036 --> 00:11:46.622 That being said, you have to take your arm floaties 202 00:11:47.832 --> 00:11:50.042 because it's not cool to know you can't swim, 203 00:11:50.126 --> 00:11:51.085 go to the public pool anyway, 204 00:11:51.168 --> 00:11:53.879 and jump into the deep end, making it everyone else's problem. 205 00:11:55.506 --> 00:11:59.301 And you thrash around going, "I'm good!" They're like, "You're literally drowning." 206 00:11:59.385 --> 00:12:01.804 And then someone nice and handsome jumps in to help you. 207 00:12:01.887 --> 00:12:03.639 And you're, like, "See? I'm fine. I can totally swim." 208 00:12:03.722 --> 00:12:07.184 And they're, like, "No, you're holding him underwater. 209 00:12:08.477 --> 00:12:11.856 - You turned Kevin into an arm floaty 210 00:12:11.939 --> 00:12:15.484 and that's not a fair relationship for Kevin." 211 00:12:17.319 --> 00:12:19.363 Then someone floats by you on their back 212 00:12:19.447 --> 00:12:20.614 and you're, like, "What was that?" 213 00:12:20.698 --> 00:12:24.076 And they're, like, "Oh, that's someone whose parents supported them in the pool… 214 00:12:28.038 --> 00:12:30.541 until they could be trusted not to die. 215 00:12:31.750 --> 00:12:34.670 - Here are your arm floaties." 216 00:12:35.796 --> 00:12:37.339 I was very nervous to tell friends of mine 217 00:12:37.423 --> 00:12:39.842 I was bipolar because I thought they would think of me differently. 218 00:12:39.925 --> 00:12:42.094 And then I told all my friends and nobody did 219 00:12:42.178 --> 00:12:44.180 and it was actually pretty insulting. 220 00:12:46.849 --> 00:12:48.893 Because I've had friends tell me they were bipolar 221 00:12:48.976 --> 00:12:51.270 and I was, like, "What? You? You're kidding." 222 00:12:51.353 --> 00:12:52.897 And then I told my friends and they were, like, 223 00:12:52.980 --> 00:12:55.774 - "That checks out. That's… 224 00:12:55.858 --> 00:12:57.568 That connects a lot of dots for us." 225 00:12:57.651 --> 00:13:00.154 I told Dustin, one of my best friends in the whole world, 226 00:13:00.237 --> 00:13:03.741 and he goes, "Yeah, your mental illness was kinda like your middle name. 227 00:13:03.824 --> 00:13:07.411 I didn't know what it was but I knew that you had one." 228 00:13:14.210 --> 00:13:16.086 It's really good. 229 00:13:16.754 --> 00:13:20.257 That was not the feedback I kept getting from romantic partners, by the way. 230 00:13:20.341 --> 00:13:23.677 - That's not what finally made me get help. 231 00:13:23.761 --> 00:13:26.764 Every guy I've ever dated has told me I have trust issues, 232 00:13:26.847 --> 00:13:29.683 which is something liars say when you're on to them. 233 00:13:34.271 --> 00:13:35.564 "You have trust issues, babe." 234 00:13:35.648 --> 00:13:38.317 You have a hot co-worker and a locked phone, so… 235 00:13:43.197 --> 00:13:46.075 I have trust issues but I earned them, okay? 236 00:13:46.158 --> 00:13:47.993 - I absolutely earned them, like, 237 00:13:48.077 --> 00:13:50.704 I got cheated on in college. My college boyfriend 238 00:13:50.788 --> 00:13:52.873 was sleeping with sex workers behind my back, 239 00:13:52.957 --> 00:13:57.044 or prostitutes if you're old and don't know that word's not okay to use anymore. 240 00:13:57.127 --> 00:13:59.713 Sometimes older crowd members could get confused 'cause they're, like, 241 00:13:59.797 --> 00:14:01.423 "What is a sex worker?" 242 00:14:01.507 --> 00:14:04.093 "Is that what my granddaughter does on Instagram?" 243 00:14:04.176 --> 00:14:05.344 - And you're, like, "No, no, no, 244 00:14:05.427 --> 00:14:07.304 she's just hot. That's a FabFitFun box." 245 00:14:07.388 --> 00:14:09.348 - "That's a different…" 246 00:14:09.431 --> 00:14:12.268 - "That's a different thing." 247 00:14:13.602 --> 00:14:15.479 "Your granddaughter doesn't… That's not a job." 248 00:14:15.563 --> 00:14:17.273 - "That's not real." 249 00:14:17.356 --> 00:14:19.567 You can't say prostitute anymore. 250 00:14:19.650 --> 00:14:22.611 Calling a sex worker a prostitute is like calling a comedian a clown. 251 00:14:22.695 --> 00:14:25.781 You're not technically wrong but you are a fucking asshole, so… 252 00:14:28.284 --> 00:14:30.703 But I told my therapist I got cheated on like this 253 00:14:30.786 --> 00:14:32.663 and she didn't say what I wanted her to say, 254 00:14:32.746 --> 00:14:35.082 which was, "Poor baby, sweetie, this session is free." 255 00:14:37.418 --> 00:14:41.589 Instead, she goes, "Well, you might be a self-fulfilling prophecy." 256 00:14:41.672 --> 00:14:45.050 And I was like, "Oh!" And she's like, "No, it's a bad thing." And I was like, 257 00:14:46.635 --> 00:14:50.723 "Well, then could you say I have self-fulfilling prophecy? 258 00:14:52.474 --> 00:14:55.227 Is Selena Gomez a self-fulfilling prophecy?" 259 00:14:58.105 --> 00:15:00.316 And I said, "What does that mean, I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy?" 260 00:15:00.399 --> 00:15:04.278 And she goes, "Well, sometimes we expect someone to treat us poorly, 261 00:15:04.361 --> 00:15:07.781 so we treat them like they're going to treat us poorly until they do." 262 00:15:07.865 --> 00:15:09.241 "You thought someone was gonna cheat on you, 263 00:15:09.325 --> 00:15:11.535 so you treated them like they were gonna cheat on you 264 00:15:11.619 --> 00:15:15.289 until they did cheat on you, and then you were like, 'See?'" 265 00:15:17.416 --> 00:15:21.128 - And I was like, "Oh." 266 00:15:21.211 --> 00:15:23.380 "So I'm a witch." 267 00:15:30.429 --> 00:15:33.390 And she's like, "Oh! So close. You're a bitch." 268 00:15:33.474 --> 00:15:35.059 - "You gotta…" 269 00:15:35.142 --> 00:15:38.729 I'm like, "Whatever. All I heard was Gryffindor!" 270 00:15:43.067 --> 00:15:45.361 I am working on my trust issues. 271 00:15:45.444 --> 00:15:47.488 I was so much worse when I first started seeing my therapist. 272 00:15:47.571 --> 00:15:49.365 I told her like first session, I was like, 273 00:15:49.448 --> 00:15:53.369 "The guy I'm dating keeps answering my phone calls, 'Hey, beautiful?'" 274 00:15:54.495 --> 00:15:57.998 And she's like, "So, what's the problem?" I was like, "I mean, I don't know yet." 275 00:16:00.459 --> 00:16:04.463 - "But when I find out who 'Beautiful' is…" 276 00:16:04.546 --> 00:16:06.256 She's like, "Do you think it might be you?" 277 00:16:06.340 --> 00:16:08.759 I was like, "I'm sorry. I thought we were here to work." 278 00:16:10.469 --> 00:16:12.554 I think I'm cute or whatever now, 279 00:16:12.638 --> 00:16:14.515 but I was an ugly kid with honest parents, 280 00:16:14.598 --> 00:16:17.977 and that shit stays in your bones, alright? 281 00:16:18.060 --> 00:16:19.979 If you were an ugly kid with honest parents, 282 00:16:20.062 --> 00:16:22.398 I don't care how attractive you grow up to be, 283 00:16:22.481 --> 00:16:25.150 at any point, if someone's like, "You look really nice today," you're like, 284 00:16:25.234 --> 00:16:27.778 "Yeah, whatever. I know the Goddamn truth." 285 00:16:29.613 --> 00:16:32.616 When I was ten, I said, "Dad, am I pretty?" 286 00:16:32.700 --> 00:16:34.994 And his response was, "Look." 287 00:16:37.913 --> 00:16:40.499 "I'm not the best looking guy, right?" 288 00:16:40.582 --> 00:16:43.669 "No, but I wake up every morning and I try." 289 00:16:43.752 --> 00:16:44.920 - "I…" 290 00:16:45.004 --> 00:16:47.339 "I take a shower, I put on a nice suit, 291 00:16:47.423 --> 00:16:48.882 and I do okay!" 292 00:16:50.634 --> 00:16:53.178 - And then he went to work. 293 00:16:53.262 --> 00:16:55.848 - And I became a comedian, I guess. 294 00:16:55.931 --> 00:16:58.726 That was his response to his ten-year-old daughter. 295 00:16:58.809 --> 00:17:02.730 Just like, "You and me, potato face, these were the cards we were dealt." 296 00:17:02.813 --> 00:17:04.106 "Get clean and match." 297 00:17:04.189 --> 00:17:07.693 "That's all you can do. Don't sleep on wet hair. Can't do that." 298 00:17:07.776 --> 00:17:10.195 "Maybe wear a hat sometimes. Cover up some of that head." 299 00:17:10.279 --> 00:17:11.905 "I'm sorry there's so much of it." 300 00:17:14.116 --> 00:17:15.826 I think I'm pretty. I have a big head. 301 00:17:15.909 --> 00:17:19.413 I know I do 'cause every guy I've ever dated has made a point to be like, 302 00:17:19.496 --> 00:17:23.125 - "I love your big head." 303 00:17:23.208 --> 00:17:24.501 That's my favorite thing guys do 304 00:17:24.585 --> 00:17:27.046 when they compliment the thing you hate most about yourself, 305 00:17:27.129 --> 00:17:29.465 they're like, "I love your soft arms." 306 00:17:29.548 --> 00:17:32.009 - You're like, "Okay. 307 00:17:32.092 --> 00:17:34.178 Yeah? I love your weird balls. 308 00:17:34.261 --> 00:17:36.930 - How does it feel? 309 00:17:39.933 --> 00:17:43.103 - How does it feel to be accepted?" 310 00:17:44.021 --> 00:17:45.898 - I'm a nightmare to date. 311 00:17:45.981 --> 00:17:48.442 Anything nice you do or say, I'm just like, "Whatever." 312 00:17:48.525 --> 00:17:52.571 I dated a guy once who told me that flirting with me was like punching water. 313 00:17:54.031 --> 00:17:56.033 And I was like, "Why? 'Cause it's pointless 314 00:17:56.116 --> 00:17:58.327 or 'cause you look stupid doing it?" 315 00:17:59.912 --> 00:18:01.038 He's like, "Did you hear it?" 316 00:18:01.121 --> 00:18:03.457 - I'm like, "I heard it that time. Yeah." 317 00:18:04.124 --> 00:18:07.711 And then he cheated on me, so, you know, prophecy fulfilled! 318 00:18:10.297 --> 00:18:12.925 I can't help it. At the beginning of a relationship with a guy, 319 00:18:13.008 --> 00:18:15.677 I just assume anything nice he does 320 00:18:15.761 --> 00:18:18.639 is he a move he pulls on everybody 321 00:18:18.722 --> 00:18:23.185 and I'm not gonna fall for your choreography, sir. 322 00:18:23.268 --> 00:18:25.562 - I'm like, "Oh, is this… 323 00:18:25.646 --> 00:18:27.689 is this your move? 324 00:18:27.773 --> 00:18:30.234 - You open the car door for me on the date? 325 00:18:30.317 --> 00:18:32.027 Is this like your move? 326 00:18:32.111 --> 00:18:34.738 This is how you do it? 327 00:18:34.822 --> 00:18:36.949 That's cute. Bet that works a lot." 328 00:18:39.910 --> 00:18:42.454 "Oh, is this… is this your move? 329 00:18:42.538 --> 00:18:44.164 You go with me to my grandpa's funeral, 330 00:18:44.248 --> 00:18:45.874 hold an umbrella over my head in the rain? 331 00:18:45.958 --> 00:18:48.627 - Is this like… Is this like your move? 332 00:18:48.710 --> 00:18:51.338 - This is how you do it? 333 00:18:51.421 --> 00:18:55.175 Like, 'Whoops, don't get wet.' 'Oops! I am.' Whatever. 334 00:19:01.640 --> 00:19:05.727 This ain't my first rodeo. I used to have two grandpas." 335 00:19:13.986 --> 00:19:15.320 "Oh, is this… 336 00:19:16.155 --> 00:19:18.240 - Is this your move? 337 00:19:18.323 --> 00:19:20.075 You die next to me in a hospital bed 338 00:19:20.159 --> 00:19:23.328 at 86 years old holding my hand for all eternity? 339 00:19:23.412 --> 00:19:26.123 Is this like your move? This is how you get pussy?" 340 00:19:27.499 --> 00:19:29.668 He's like, "We've been together for 60 years." 341 00:19:29.751 --> 00:19:32.087 I'm like, "You're a fuckboy and I know it! 342 00:19:34.214 --> 00:19:37.426 Don't bury me with this guy. He's been dying with other people behind my back. 343 00:19:37.509 --> 00:19:39.219 - I can't prove it. 344 00:19:39.303 --> 00:19:41.555 Check his phone when he uses the bedpan." 345 00:19:45.601 --> 00:19:48.854 - And that's why we're in therapy. 346 00:19:48.937 --> 00:19:50.147 People are scared to go to therapy 347 00:19:50.230 --> 00:19:52.983 because they think it's someone sitting in a chair going, "You suck." 348 00:19:53.066 --> 00:19:56.236 But it's not. It's you in a chair going, "I suck." 349 00:19:57.362 --> 00:20:00.490 And then your therapist is like, "That's great. Let's start there." 350 00:20:01.825 --> 00:20:04.703 Therapy just helps you to get to the bottom of why you're trash, okay? 351 00:20:04.786 --> 00:20:05.829 You go into therapy and you're like, 352 00:20:05.913 --> 00:20:07.831 "Here's all the stuff that sucks about me." 353 00:20:07.915 --> 00:20:09.708 And she goes, "Okay." And she puts it all up on the wall 354 00:20:09.791 --> 00:20:11.251 like you're solving a crime together. 355 00:20:11.335 --> 00:20:12.336 - Fun! 356 00:20:12.419 --> 00:20:15.380 And then she gets some of that red string that detectives use at home 357 00:20:15.464 --> 00:20:17.799 when they've been thrown off the case for going rogue 358 00:20:19.051 --> 00:20:22.262 and she starts connecting each crappy thing about you 359 00:20:22.346 --> 00:20:25.974 to each one of your corresponding childhood traumas, 360 00:20:26.058 --> 00:20:28.810 and you're like, "Oh my God! That's why I'm like this." 361 00:20:28.894 --> 00:20:30.562 And she's like, "That's why you're like this." 362 00:20:30.646 --> 00:20:32.689 And you're like, "Am I fixed now?" 363 00:20:32.773 --> 00:20:35.359 - And she's like, "God, no! 364 00:20:35.442 --> 00:20:37.569 No, no, no." You're like, "Well, what do I do now?" 365 00:20:37.653 --> 00:20:39.821 She's like, "Well, you keep coming back in here every week 366 00:20:39.905 --> 00:20:44.117 with your credit card." And you're like, "What? Will I ever be fixed?" 367 00:20:44.201 --> 00:20:46.370 She's like, "I don't know. Bring your credit card!" 368 00:20:51.291 --> 00:20:53.168 I've got to the bottom of a lot of stuff in therapy. 369 00:20:53.252 --> 00:20:56.922 I'm an emotional eater. I don't know if anybody else identifies with that. 370 00:20:57.005 --> 00:20:59.049 - Cool. Seven people. 371 00:20:59.132 --> 00:21:01.385 Everyone else is like, "No, we just eat until we're almost full 372 00:21:01.468 --> 00:21:03.762 and then we thank God for the opportunity, okay." 373 00:21:05.180 --> 00:21:06.932 "Food is just fuel for me." 374 00:21:07.015 --> 00:21:09.184 If you're one of those, fuck right off, for real. 375 00:21:09.268 --> 00:21:11.228 - I'll refund your money. 376 00:21:11.311 --> 00:21:13.188 - I don't need your support. 377 00:21:13.272 --> 00:21:15.107 I'm doing fine. 378 00:21:15.857 --> 00:21:18.235 If you don't know what an emotional eater is, 379 00:21:18.318 --> 00:21:20.737 it just means you like eat to cope with uncomfortable feelings. 380 00:21:20.821 --> 00:21:22.906 So if I'm like sad or anxious or awake, 381 00:21:22.990 --> 00:21:25.409 - I like to be eating to take the edge off. 382 00:21:25.492 --> 00:21:27.286 If you still don't know if that's you, 383 00:21:27.369 --> 00:21:29.121 you can ask yourself a few questions to find out. 384 00:21:29.204 --> 00:21:31.665 Number one. When you eat nachos in public, 385 00:21:31.748 --> 00:21:34.876 do you get kinda mad that other people are there to see it? 386 00:21:37.504 --> 00:21:40.549 Do you feel like nachos should come with a privacy curtain? I do. 387 00:21:44.094 --> 00:21:46.680 Have all the best meals of your life 388 00:21:46.763 --> 00:21:50.017 taken place in your own car around 11 p.m.? 389 00:21:50.100 --> 00:21:53.145 - Under a flickering streetlamp? 390 00:21:55.856 --> 00:21:58.442 Have you ever eaten a brownie 391 00:21:58.525 --> 00:22:00.193 while you felt okay 392 00:22:02.070 --> 00:22:04.323 and wished you were sad 393 00:22:06.116 --> 00:22:08.076 so that it tasted better? 394 00:22:10.329 --> 00:22:12.372 Sounds like more than seven of us. 395 00:22:16.168 --> 00:22:19.254 In therapy, I figured out the day in my childhood 396 00:22:19.338 --> 00:22:20.422 I became an emotional eater. 397 00:22:20.505 --> 00:22:22.966 I was eight years old and I was eating a bagel in the kitchen 398 00:22:23.050 --> 00:22:24.301 and my dad came in and he goes, 399 00:22:24.384 --> 00:22:27.554 "You're gonna want to put that bagel down. I gotta tell you something." 400 00:22:27.637 --> 00:22:30.390 And that's when he told me that my mom had died. 401 00:22:30.474 --> 00:22:34.436 So somewhere in my brain, something clicked, like, 402 00:22:34.519 --> 00:22:39.274 "Oh, when you stop eating bread, 403 00:22:41.443 --> 00:22:44.029 - people perish." 404 00:22:44.112 --> 00:22:46.490 I went back to fourth grade like the angel of death. 405 00:22:46.573 --> 00:22:48.950 Everyone's like, "Step on a crack, break your mother's back." 406 00:22:49.034 --> 00:22:52.537 I'm like, "Stop eating bread, now your mom's dead, dude. 407 00:22:53.622 --> 00:22:56.416 They left out that second part but…" 408 00:22:56.500 --> 00:23:00.629 I had a lisp when I was eight. I tell you guys that because no one told me. 409 00:23:02.047 --> 00:23:04.966 They pulled me aside a year later at school. 410 00:23:05.050 --> 00:23:05.967 Someone's like, 411 00:23:06.051 --> 00:23:08.220 "Taylor, your teacher thinks you might be struggling with a speech impediment." 412 00:23:08.303 --> 00:23:10.263 I'm like, "What's a speech impediment? 413 00:23:11.515 --> 00:23:14.142 Are you sure you have the right person, 'cause… 414 00:23:14.226 --> 00:23:16.520 - I'm crushing it out there." 415 00:23:16.603 --> 00:23:17.771 And they're like, "You didn't do anything wrong. 416 00:23:17.854 --> 00:23:19.648 You just pronounce your words a little differently, 417 00:23:19.731 --> 00:23:21.608 like you say "sh" instead of "ss" for your S's, 418 00:23:21.691 --> 00:23:23.944 does that make sense? And I was like, 419 00:23:25.153 --> 00:23:27.823 "I'm pretty sure I would have noticed 420 00:23:27.906 --> 00:23:32.410 - if I said 'sh' instead of 'sh'. 421 00:23:32.494 --> 00:23:34.830 - Hope you find who you're looking for. 422 00:23:34.913 --> 00:23:37.541 If you have any follow-up questions, I'll be on the see-saw." 423 00:23:43.630 --> 00:23:46.883 I know dead mom jokes make people uncomfortable. 424 00:23:46.967 --> 00:23:49.344 I know that and if you are uncomfortable, 425 00:23:49.427 --> 00:23:52.722 I don't know what to say, you should've worked harder so it was you up here. 426 00:24:01.523 --> 00:24:05.068 No, honestly, I never want to make people feel uncomfortable with that information. 427 00:24:05.152 --> 00:24:07.195 So much so that I used to lie to everybody. 428 00:24:07.279 --> 00:24:09.948 Growing up, I used to tell everybody that my parents were separated 429 00:24:10.031 --> 00:24:11.616 so I wouldn't have to say my mom's dead. 430 00:24:11.700 --> 00:24:13.577 And that worked very well 431 00:24:13.660 --> 00:24:17.038 until recently a friend of mine found out I had lied and she was very upset. 432 00:24:17.122 --> 00:24:20.083 - She was like, "Your mom's dead? 433 00:24:20.167 --> 00:24:22.460 Taylor, you told me your parents were separated." 434 00:24:22.544 --> 00:24:24.671 And I was like, "Well, they were! 435 00:24:26.798 --> 00:24:28.717 By Jesus." 436 00:24:31.678 --> 00:24:35.765 Both her parents are alive, so she has no idea how funny that is but… 437 00:24:35.849 --> 00:24:38.018 - She'll get it eventually, right? 438 00:24:38.101 --> 00:24:40.896 - Like that joke is a slow burn. 439 00:24:41.479 --> 00:24:44.941 Kinda like cancer, which is what got mine, hey oh! 440 00:24:46.151 --> 00:24:47.194 Okay, alright. 441 00:24:49.196 --> 00:24:51.281 Here's the deal, Boston. 442 00:24:53.158 --> 00:24:56.953 We have another, like, six minutes of dead mom jokes. 443 00:24:59.956 --> 00:25:02.751 I know. You're getting like, "Whoa, no, six minutes is a long time." 444 00:25:02.834 --> 00:25:05.253 It won't feel long. I have cushioned her, alright? 445 00:25:05.337 --> 00:25:07.130 - I have laid my dead mom to rest 446 00:25:07.214 --> 00:25:11.051 in a beautiful casket of dick jokes and pop culture references. 447 00:25:11.134 --> 00:25:13.637 There's something for everybody over the next six minutes. 448 00:25:13.720 --> 00:25:16.223 You'll laugh, you'll cry, you'll forget she's dead. 449 00:25:17.766 --> 00:25:20.393 But I know a lot's happening for you as a crowd right now 450 00:25:20.477 --> 00:25:21.978 because you're like, "Taylor, we're good people. 451 00:25:22.062 --> 00:25:24.814 Good people wouldn't laugh at dead mom jokes." 452 00:25:24.898 --> 00:25:28.485 I'm here to tell you that if you're trying to be a good person at a comedy show, 453 00:25:28.568 --> 00:25:31.947 - you're wasting your God damn time. 454 00:25:32.030 --> 00:25:34.032 Trying to be a good person at a comedy show 455 00:25:34.115 --> 00:25:36.243 is like trying to recycle at a theme park. 456 00:25:36.326 --> 00:25:39.579 You're already in here and part of the problem, put your hands up and have fun. 457 00:25:42.624 --> 00:25:44.292 And I know you're good people. You're like, 458 00:25:44.376 --> 00:25:46.044 "Taylor, we've known you for 25 minutes. 459 00:25:46.127 --> 00:25:48.922 We hate that anything bad ever happened to you even once." 460 00:25:49.005 --> 00:25:50.715 Thank you so much, Boston. 461 00:25:50.799 --> 00:25:53.760 But what you have to understand is the bad thing already happened 462 00:25:53.843 --> 00:25:56.096 and now I'm talking about it into a microphone 463 00:25:56.179 --> 00:25:59.307 - in front of people who paid to be here, 464 00:25:59.391 --> 00:26:02.894 which means now the bad thing is money. 465 00:26:04.521 --> 00:26:06.815 Do you think I'd be this successful 466 00:26:06.898 --> 00:26:11.152 at my age if I had a live mom? 467 00:26:20.495 --> 00:26:22.622 - Fuck no! 468 00:26:22.706 --> 00:26:25.667 I'd be a creative writing teacher who loved myself 469 00:26:25.750 --> 00:26:28.503 and I'd be sitting in the dark with you pheasants, okay? 470 00:26:28.586 --> 00:26:31.298 - She's in heaven, I'm on Netflix, 471 00:26:31.381 --> 00:26:33.216 it all worked out. 472 00:26:43.393 --> 00:26:45.520 That is a real thing I said in therapy. 473 00:26:46.896 --> 00:26:48.606 To which my therapist responded, 474 00:26:48.690 --> 00:26:50.358 "You should come in twice this week." 475 00:26:57.198 --> 00:26:59.326 Some people get sad because I was eight when it happened. 476 00:26:59.409 --> 00:27:01.286 But eight is a great time to lose a parent 477 00:27:01.369 --> 00:27:04.372 because you're so stupid, you barely know what's going on. 478 00:27:04.456 --> 00:27:05.874 When I was eight, I was like, 479 00:27:05.957 --> 00:27:08.543 the only people I know with dead moms are Disney princesses. 480 00:27:09.753 --> 00:27:13.465 So like, this sucks but am I about to get hot? 481 00:27:14.758 --> 00:27:16.217 Then I hit puberty and I was like, 482 00:27:16.301 --> 00:27:18.887 "Oh no, I guess God just hates me right now, that's a bummer." 483 00:27:18.970 --> 00:27:23.183 That's a joke. God doesn't hate anybody, alright? Not anymore. 484 00:27:25.435 --> 00:27:28.646 But have you read the Old Testament? Holy shit. 485 00:27:30.065 --> 00:27:33.485 The Old Testament is my favorite Taylor Swift album. 486 00:27:33.568 --> 00:27:35.528 - It is… 487 00:27:38.114 --> 00:27:40.992 It is banger after banger. Just like, 488 00:27:41.076 --> 00:27:42.744 "You don't believe in me? 489 00:27:42.827 --> 00:27:45.955 Snakes! Look what you made me do." 490 00:27:49.709 --> 00:27:51.336 I'm a 20-something white woman, obviously, 491 00:27:51.419 --> 00:27:53.630 I'm gonna compare T. Swift to the Lord, alright? 492 00:27:54.839 --> 00:27:57.801 She is the only god I still believe in, alright? 493 00:27:59.636 --> 00:28:03.181 I don't see God God revamping his old shit 494 00:28:03.264 --> 00:28:07.394 and let's be honest, he probably should 'cause the people who own it now suck. 495 00:28:15.318 --> 00:28:17.570 It does grow you up very quickly, losing a parent that young. 496 00:28:17.654 --> 00:28:21.866 I mean, I saw a dead body when I was eight which means I saw a dead body years 497 00:28:21.950 --> 00:28:23.201 before I saw a dick. 498 00:28:23.284 --> 00:28:25.995 And that is not the order that shit should go in 499 00:28:26.079 --> 00:28:28.832 - according to the American Girl Body book. 500 00:28:32.877 --> 00:28:35.505 Although maybe it should be 'cause you know what's crazy? A dick? 501 00:28:35.588 --> 00:28:37.841 - Way more traumatizing than your dead mom. 502 00:28:37.924 --> 00:28:40.093 Oh my God, it's so much worse. I saw my mom, I was like, 503 00:28:40.176 --> 00:28:42.178 "That lady used to make me snacks, now she's very still." 504 00:28:42.262 --> 00:28:43.972 I saw a dick for the first time, 505 00:28:44.055 --> 00:28:46.975 I was like, "Oh my God! Who took Jabba the Hutt's eyes? 506 00:28:48.268 --> 00:28:50.353 You have done nothing for me. No, no, no. 507 00:28:50.437 --> 00:28:53.231 No, I didn't say Beetlejuice even one time!" 508 00:28:55.275 --> 00:28:57.902 I haven't seen that many dicks and I don't want to see any more 509 00:28:57.986 --> 00:28:58.945 and it's nothing against men, 510 00:28:59.028 --> 00:29:01.614 I'm attracted to you for some reason but I swear to God, 511 00:29:01.698 --> 00:29:04.909 every time you see a new dick, there is an adjustment period, isn't there? 512 00:29:04.993 --> 00:29:06.953 - Just a real quick like… 513 00:29:07.036 --> 00:29:09.080 and we're back in it, alright. 514 00:29:11.499 --> 00:29:13.501 I have stayed in relationships too long 515 00:29:13.585 --> 00:29:15.295 'cause I just wasn't ready to see a fresh one. 516 00:29:15.378 --> 00:29:16.963 - I just couldn't 517 00:29:17.046 --> 00:29:19.924 couldn't wrap my head around it, literally or figuratively. 518 00:29:20.008 --> 00:29:23.428 I just… I just didn't have it in me, couldn't have it in me. 519 00:29:23.511 --> 00:29:26.431 - And… 520 00:29:26.514 --> 00:29:29.642 I don't care how many dicks you've seen, every time you see a new dick, 521 00:29:29.726 --> 00:29:32.187 it feels like jumping into a cold pool. 522 00:29:32.270 --> 00:29:34.564 Just like, "Alright, let me just swim around, 523 00:29:34.647 --> 00:29:36.483 get used to this one." 524 00:29:36.566 --> 00:29:41.070 "Okay, alright, this one's deeper than the last one but that's okay." 525 00:29:41.154 --> 00:29:44.741 "That's alright. This is why we take our arm floaties, you know, 526 00:29:44.824 --> 00:29:46.534 for moments like these." 527 00:29:51.372 --> 00:29:55.376 Just control your breathing, hot girl summer, bitch, you can do it. 528 00:29:57.170 --> 00:29:58.880 I think of the genitalia options available, 529 00:29:58.963 --> 00:30:01.257 I think dick seem friendlier, you know. 530 00:30:01.341 --> 00:30:03.885 They're up, they're happy to see you, they're wagging, I've never had sex. 531 00:30:05.845 --> 00:30:08.139 - It's like a front tail, right? 532 00:30:08.223 --> 00:30:10.266 I'll Google it, it's fine. 533 00:30:10.350 --> 00:30:13.728 It's all speculation. I've never seen a vagina, not even my own, I'm a Christian. 534 00:30:13.812 --> 00:30:15.730 - But from what I hear, 535 00:30:15.814 --> 00:30:19.526 it is very spooky down there. It's just a dark spooky hole, like, 536 00:30:19.609 --> 00:30:21.236 a hole? I'm sorry, what? 537 00:30:21.319 --> 00:30:25.448 Every time someone fingers me, I'm like, "You are very trusting, sir, because…" 538 00:30:25.532 --> 00:30:27.242 - "…I don't even know where that goes." 539 00:30:27.325 --> 00:30:30.912 "That might be where I keep the bipolar. That might be…" 540 00:30:32.789 --> 00:30:36.668 "…where it has been… actually, if you see any, could you scrape it out?" 541 00:30:36.751 --> 00:30:38.503 - "Could you…" 542 00:30:38.586 --> 00:30:40.296 "…just like a mental health Pap smear?" 543 00:30:40.380 --> 00:30:41.589 - "Can you just do…" 544 00:30:41.673 --> 00:30:43.842 Don't do that. Like, you gotta hook your finger, 545 00:30:43.925 --> 00:30:45.969 like when a baby's choking, are you familiar? 546 00:30:46.052 --> 00:30:48.471 If you do that, it'll push it in too far, it's too late. 547 00:30:48.555 --> 00:30:52.225 But if you hook your finger, you swipe it, that's how you get it out. 548 00:30:54.936 --> 00:30:57.480 I like doing that joke because it goes too far 549 00:30:57.564 --> 00:30:59.691 but you do learn something that could save a life. 550 00:31:06.489 --> 00:31:09.242 I just love the idea of years from now, someone being like, 551 00:31:09.325 --> 00:31:12.579 "If it weren't for that dick joke, my niece would not be here." 552 00:31:18.835 --> 00:31:21.713 The craziest thing that happened is my mom died of cancer. 553 00:31:21.796 --> 00:31:24.841 - See? You almost forgot. 554 00:31:24.924 --> 00:31:29.053 And then my dad got remarried and then our stepmom got cancer. 555 00:31:29.137 --> 00:31:31.598 She's fine, don't worry. I wouldn't do that to you twice. 556 00:31:31.681 --> 00:31:35.977 - That's God talking to my dad. And… 557 00:31:36.978 --> 00:31:41.316 As soon as our stepmom got it, me and my siblings were like, "Holy shit." 558 00:31:41.399 --> 00:31:44.777 "Is Dad giving people cancer?" 559 00:31:46.070 --> 00:31:47.572 We thought he was a carcinogen. 560 00:31:47.655 --> 00:31:49.324 We were like, "Don't microwave anything for him." 561 00:31:49.407 --> 00:31:51.242 - "I think that's how he's doing it." 562 00:31:52.118 --> 00:31:53.661 If he had taken down a second one, 563 00:31:53.745 --> 00:31:56.080 we would've put a warning on his Christian Mingle account. 564 00:31:56.164 --> 00:31:57.540 Like bare minimum, just like, 565 00:31:57.624 --> 00:32:01.085 "Hey, chemicals in here have been known to cause cancer." 566 00:32:01.169 --> 00:32:03.922 - "Ride at your own risk." 567 00:32:04.005 --> 00:32:06.132 I feel like some people don't believe me that she's alive. 568 00:32:06.215 --> 00:32:09.802 She's completely fine, you guys. She's happy, healthy, great lady. 569 00:32:09.886 --> 00:32:12.221 We actually call my stepmom Mom because when my dad married her, 570 00:32:12.305 --> 00:32:13.389 nobody was using it. 571 00:32:13.473 --> 00:32:15.016 So we were like, "Yeah, be Mom, who cares." 572 00:32:16.476 --> 00:32:18.686 Oh, I'm sorry, if your principal quit 573 00:32:18.770 --> 00:32:22.273 and you got a new principal, they wouldn't be like, "This is Lisa." Like… 574 00:32:25.693 --> 00:32:28.488 Let her be principal, there is an opening. 575 00:32:29.489 --> 00:32:32.492 Also, we were so young when it happened and my dad got remarried so fast, 576 00:32:32.575 --> 00:32:35.912 I think he was kinda hoping he could just like Indiana Jones switch them out 577 00:32:35.995 --> 00:32:38.164 - before anybody noticed. 578 00:32:38.247 --> 00:32:40.041 You know when you're a kid and your hamster dies 579 00:32:40.124 --> 00:32:41.918 and your parents don't want to explain death to you 580 00:32:42.001 --> 00:32:44.045 so they just buy you a new one that looks the same 581 00:32:44.128 --> 00:32:45.797 and they're like, "No, that's Connie, she just bites now." 582 00:32:45.880 --> 00:32:48.174 - That's kinda what he did. 583 00:32:48.257 --> 00:32:49.842 But with moms. 584 00:32:51.386 --> 00:32:52.720 But I never used to talk about any of that, 585 00:32:52.804 --> 00:32:54.931 I never used to talk about my mom dying 586 00:32:55.014 --> 00:32:56.724 because I didn't want to make people uncomfortable 587 00:32:56.808 --> 00:32:58.768 and also, like most of us with childhood trauma, 588 00:32:58.851 --> 00:33:00.478 should be pretty much everyone in here. 589 00:33:00.561 --> 00:33:02.605 If you're sitting here tonight going, "I don't think I have any, 590 00:33:02.689 --> 00:33:04.732 I have great parents, I had a good childhood 591 00:33:04.816 --> 00:33:07.944 and this 'comedy show'? It's not that fun for me." 592 00:33:08.027 --> 00:33:09.737 - Good. 593 00:33:17.745 --> 00:33:20.164 I hope this is the worst night of your whole life. 594 00:33:21.708 --> 00:33:24.210 'Cause it sounds like it's been smooth sailing 595 00:33:24.293 --> 00:33:27.922 - and you might need some perspective. 596 00:33:29.424 --> 00:33:31.342 Most of us did have some childhood trauma 597 00:33:31.426 --> 00:33:32.593 and when you get to be an adult, you're like, 598 00:33:32.677 --> 00:33:34.762 "Woo, made it! Never have to think about that again. 599 00:33:34.846 --> 00:33:35.805 Look at all my keys. 600 00:33:35.888 --> 00:33:37.682 - The world's my oyster." 601 00:33:37.765 --> 00:33:41.060 And so you just start pushing all that dark stuff that happened to you as a kid 602 00:33:41.144 --> 00:33:44.063 down, down, down 'til you don't even think about it anymore. 603 00:33:44.147 --> 00:33:46.065 And that works for a long time. 604 00:33:47.233 --> 00:33:49.193 - Until one day, 605 00:33:49.277 --> 00:33:51.279 you stub your toe really hard on a curb 606 00:33:51.362 --> 00:33:53.698 and you just start weeping uncontrollably in the street 607 00:33:53.781 --> 00:33:57.201 and you're like, "Okay, this is about something else. 608 00:33:58.870 --> 00:34:01.789 I was keeping all my trauma in that toe. 609 00:34:03.124 --> 00:34:05.877 And then I jostled it and now it's everywhere. 610 00:34:07.295 --> 00:34:08.463 Gone over here." 611 00:34:09.714 --> 00:34:12.925 And if you don't deal with that stuff, it's gonna keep affecting you in ways 612 00:34:13.009 --> 00:34:14.719 you are not even conscious of. 613 00:34:14.802 --> 00:34:17.472 I realized in therapy that because my mom died young, 614 00:34:17.555 --> 00:34:21.017 I have this irrational belief that I am also going to die young, 615 00:34:21.100 --> 00:34:23.936 so I've been living in a very intense unhealthy way 616 00:34:24.020 --> 00:34:26.522 my entire adult life where I'm like, I can't take a break, 617 00:34:26.606 --> 00:34:27.857 I gotta be working all the time, 618 00:34:27.940 --> 00:34:30.485 I have to hit these goals and achievements, otherwise I'm nothing. 619 00:34:30.568 --> 00:34:32.695 I got engaged a few years ago 'cause I was like, 620 00:34:32.779 --> 00:34:34.781 "I gotta get married before I'm dead" 621 00:34:34.864 --> 00:34:37.075 which is a super hot way to propose to somebody. 622 00:34:38.076 --> 00:34:41.329 I call it "The Walk to Remember," it's kinda my move and… 623 00:34:46.501 --> 00:34:48.628 It did not work out with my ex-fiancé. 624 00:34:48.711 --> 00:34:52.715 I hate that I have to say that word now. It sounds like a spell, doesn't it? 625 00:34:52.799 --> 00:34:55.134 Just like, "Ex-fiancé!" It's terrible. 626 00:34:56.886 --> 00:34:58.679 He and I are not friends, 627 00:34:58.763 --> 00:35:00.890 not 'cause he's a bad person, he's actually a very good person. 628 00:35:00.973 --> 00:35:04.268 I don't know if you've dated someone right before they find out they're bipolar 629 00:35:04.352 --> 00:35:06.896 but it is what is known as "The Lord's work." 630 00:35:08.856 --> 00:35:12.151 I think I was a great partner if nothing went wrong. 631 00:35:12.235 --> 00:35:15.530 If nothing went wrong, I was like, awesome. 632 00:35:15.613 --> 00:35:18.491 But if one thing went wrong, 633 00:35:18.574 --> 00:35:19.700 total nightmare. Like, 634 00:35:19.784 --> 00:35:24.330 I was like those spikes you drive over when you're returning a rental car. 635 00:35:24.413 --> 00:35:27.291 Like as long as you keep moving forward, everything's great. 636 00:35:27.375 --> 00:35:30.920 But if you back up even a little, I will slash all your tires. 637 00:35:31.921 --> 00:35:34.632 And then be like, "What? I put up a sign." 638 00:35:35.675 --> 00:35:37.051 And you're like, "I know, I mean, I know 639 00:35:37.135 --> 00:35:39.512 I messed up a little but like this reaction seems cra… 640 00:35:39.595 --> 00:35:42.265 like other speed bumps don't react like that." And I'm like, 641 00:35:42.348 --> 00:35:44.475 "Then go be with her!" 642 00:35:47.687 --> 00:35:49.772 We are not friends, my ex-fiancé and I, 643 00:35:49.856 --> 00:35:52.066 because I think it's weird when exes try to be friends 644 00:35:52.150 --> 00:35:53.067 with each other and they're like, 645 00:35:53.151 --> 00:35:56.904 "We'll hang out, we'll get fro yo." You're like, "Fro yo? 646 00:35:56.988 --> 00:35:58.781 I know what you taste like. 647 00:35:58.865 --> 00:36:01.868 - I'm not gonna sample yogurt with you, 648 00:36:01.951 --> 00:36:02.952 you psycho. 649 00:36:03.035 --> 00:36:07.331 Do they have Kevin after a run, do they have that flavor at Yogurtland?" 650 00:36:07.415 --> 00:36:10.334 They do, it's salted caramel, but still. 651 00:36:18.467 --> 00:36:21.345 I went back home after I called off my engagement 652 00:36:21.429 --> 00:36:23.681 for whatever holiday doesn't offend you and… 653 00:36:25.474 --> 00:36:26.893 a lot of my friends are settling down. 654 00:36:26.976 --> 00:36:29.520 Some of them are just settling, period, end of sentence. 655 00:36:30.730 --> 00:36:32.190 You guys know those couples? 656 00:36:32.273 --> 00:36:33.816 Everyone knows one couple like that 657 00:36:33.900 --> 00:36:36.277 where like one person in the couple is way hotter 658 00:36:36.360 --> 00:36:38.279 and cooler than the other person in the couple. 659 00:36:38.362 --> 00:36:41.073 I like to call those couples chocolate-covered raisins. 660 00:36:42.867 --> 00:36:47.330 Because you're like sure, you could put those two together, if you want. 661 00:36:49.457 --> 00:36:53.085 But every time you see them, you're like, "Chocolate, what are you doing? 662 00:36:54.420 --> 00:36:55.838 You could've been with anybody. 663 00:36:55.922 --> 00:36:58.049 You could've been with caramel, you could've been with marshmallow, 664 00:36:58.132 --> 00:37:01.844 you could've been with peanut butter, who I heard cures depression, 665 00:37:07.308 --> 00:37:10.186 and you want to be with raisin forever? 666 00:37:10.269 --> 00:37:14.941 Like, no offense, raisin, you're great, we love you, nature's candy, that's you. 667 00:37:15.024 --> 00:37:19.153 But you belong with like oatmeal, like, you know that, right? 668 00:37:19.237 --> 00:37:20.821 This doesn't feel good, 669 00:37:20.905 --> 00:37:22.865 right? Aren't you scared every day 670 00:37:22.949 --> 00:37:26.077 that someone's gonna come along and suck chocolate right off of you? 671 00:37:27.703 --> 00:37:28.746 I love this joke 672 00:37:28.829 --> 00:37:30.539 'cause I like to see couples in the audience looking at each other like, 673 00:37:30.623 --> 00:37:32.583 "Am I chocolate or raisin? 674 00:37:34.418 --> 00:37:37.421 We're both chocolate, right, babe? We're chocolate-covered chocolate? 675 00:37:37.505 --> 00:37:40.424 We're like those little Lindor guys in the foil, you know? 676 00:37:40.508 --> 00:37:42.051 I'm the creamy part and you're the shell 677 00:37:42.134 --> 00:37:44.637 'cause you're so strong and if you leave me, I'll be a mess." 678 00:37:54.981 --> 00:37:58.484 Some of you are like, "I am oatmeal and I am good with it." 679 00:38:02.154 --> 00:38:04.573 I made the mistake of talking to my happiest married friend 680 00:38:04.657 --> 00:38:06.701 after I called off my engagement, don't do that. 681 00:38:06.784 --> 00:38:11.205 Your happiest married friend doesn't remember what it's like to be heartbroken. 682 00:38:11.289 --> 00:38:12.331 She's like, "Well, what are you gonna do now? 683 00:38:12.415 --> 00:38:14.458 You're gonna get back out there? Are you seeing anybody?" 684 00:38:14.542 --> 00:38:17.253 And I was like, "Nope, just gonna focus on my career for a little bit." 685 00:38:17.336 --> 00:38:18.170 And she's like, 686 00:38:18.254 --> 00:38:21.424 "Well, why can't you focus on a career and a relationship at the same time?" 687 00:38:21.507 --> 00:38:24.844 - And I was like, "How do I explain this 688 00:38:24.927 --> 00:38:26.387 in a way you might understand? 689 00:38:26.470 --> 00:38:29.390 Why can't I focus on a career and a relationship? 690 00:38:29.473 --> 00:38:31.350 Have you ever been on the freeway 691 00:38:31.434 --> 00:38:35.104 in traffic and your lane stops but the one next to you keeps moving, 692 00:38:35.187 --> 00:38:36.022 so you get in the one that's moving, 693 00:38:36.105 --> 00:38:38.149 and as soon as you get in the one that's moving, that one stops 694 00:38:38.232 --> 00:38:39.859 and the one next to you starts moving again. 695 00:38:39.942 --> 00:38:41.652 So you get back in that first one 'cause that one's moving now 696 00:38:41.736 --> 00:38:42.695 and as soon as you get back in that first one, 697 00:38:42.778 --> 00:38:44.655 that one stops again and the one next to you starts moving. 698 00:38:44.739 --> 00:38:47.658 And after you go back and forth a few more times, at a certain point, you're like, 699 00:38:47.742 --> 00:38:50.703 "Okay. Is it fucking me?" 700 00:39:01.422 --> 00:39:02.882 And she's like, "Yeah, I don't know if I get it 701 00:39:02.965 --> 00:39:04.925 because you know, John and I, we usually just boop, 702 00:39:05.009 --> 00:39:06.802 get in the carpool lane. 703 00:39:11.682 --> 00:39:14.393 And I was like, "Where's your baby? Imma drop it!" 704 00:39:22.151 --> 00:39:24.236 I actually did get into a new relationship pretty quickly 705 00:39:24.320 --> 00:39:25.821 after I called off my engagement. 706 00:39:25.905 --> 00:39:27.656 I wasn't trying to, I really wasn't. 707 00:39:27.740 --> 00:39:30.618 A lot of my friends were like, "You should stay single for a while. 708 00:39:30.701 --> 00:39:33.371 You should maybe get a cat." And I was like, hard pass. 709 00:39:33.454 --> 00:39:37.708 I have never left an interaction with a cat feeling better about who I was. 710 00:39:38.876 --> 00:39:41.837 Every cat reacts to people the way I react to seeing girls 711 00:39:41.921 --> 00:39:43.589 I went to middle school with in a Target. 712 00:39:43.672 --> 00:39:44.799 Just like… 713 00:39:48.219 --> 00:39:50.513 Oh, no! Like that's every cat. 714 00:39:51.514 --> 00:39:53.432 I don't want to come home to that energy. 715 00:39:56.268 --> 00:39:57.686 But I wasn't looking for a relationship. 716 00:39:57.770 --> 00:40:00.231 I was trying to have like a fun, sexy fling 717 00:40:00.314 --> 00:40:01.732 which doesn't usually go great for me 718 00:40:01.816 --> 00:40:03.359 because I have this round wholesome face 719 00:40:03.442 --> 00:40:05.236 that people think they should build a life with. 720 00:40:06.237 --> 00:40:09.740 Every time I'm like, "We could bone or whatever." Guys are like, "No, I'm alright 721 00:40:09.824 --> 00:40:11.826 but you could meet my mom, do you want to do that? 722 00:40:11.909 --> 00:40:14.578 You seem like you'd be better at meeting my mom than having sex." 723 00:40:14.662 --> 00:40:16.831 - And they are not wrong, alright? 724 00:40:16.914 --> 00:40:19.083 I will meet your mom all night long. 725 00:40:19.166 --> 00:40:20.709 Moms like me so much for no reason. 726 00:40:20.793 --> 00:40:24.338 I was dating a guy years ago, we were totally on the rocks having problems, 727 00:40:24.422 --> 00:40:26.799 and I went to lunch with his mom hoping to get some advice, 728 00:40:26.882 --> 00:40:28.801 and halfway through lunch, she puts her hand on my hand 729 00:40:28.884 --> 00:40:31.512 and goes, "You know, Taylor, my son's a lot like his father. 730 00:40:32.972 --> 00:40:35.683 And if I could go back in time, 731 00:40:38.269 --> 00:40:42.106 I don't know that I'd marry his father again." 732 00:40:49.738 --> 00:40:53.117 And I was like, "Are you saving my life in this Panera Bread right now?" 733 00:40:54.910 --> 00:40:58.330 It was like a movie when an older character sacrifices themselves 734 00:40:58.414 --> 00:41:00.749 for the good of the journey, like she Gandalfed me. 735 00:41:00.833 --> 00:41:02.293 She was like, "Fly, you fool!" 736 00:41:09.049 --> 00:41:13.888 She was a bad mom and a bad wife but such a good friend, 737 00:41:13.971 --> 00:41:17.892 - oh my God! Hoes before sons, am I right? 738 00:41:17.975 --> 00:41:20.186 I think about her every day. 739 00:41:21.479 --> 00:41:24.148 And my boyfriend wasn't looking for a relationship either 740 00:41:24.231 --> 00:41:26.734 when we met, straight dudes usually aren't, you know. 741 00:41:26.817 --> 00:41:29.820 Women are surprised when they find a guy who can make them cum 742 00:41:29.904 --> 00:41:31.780 and straight dudes are surprised when they find a girl 743 00:41:31.864 --> 00:41:34.575 who can make them feel genuine feelings in their heart. 744 00:41:34.658 --> 00:41:37.828 Like women are like, "He got me off three times." 745 00:41:37.912 --> 00:41:40.331 And guys are like, "I mean, 746 00:41:40.414 --> 00:41:42.541 I just fucking like her, dude. 747 00:41:48.130 --> 00:41:51.383 Like we talked all day, I didn't want to hit her, it was nuts! 748 00:41:52.801 --> 00:41:57.515 She's just like my friend. I don't know, I want to like lick her heart, I think." 749 00:41:59.642 --> 00:42:03.562 Straight dudes are so proud of themselves for falling in love. It's really cute. 750 00:42:03.646 --> 00:42:05.523 They're like, "I love you. 751 00:42:05.606 --> 00:42:08.275 Hell yeah, buddy, I knew you could get there." 752 00:42:09.693 --> 00:42:11.987 Women fall in love, we're like, "I love you. 753 00:42:12.071 --> 00:42:13.989 Fucking again? You dumb bitch. 754 00:42:15.366 --> 00:42:17.117 You were supposed to love you first, 755 00:42:17.201 --> 00:42:19.578 - you keep skipping that part! 756 00:42:19.662 --> 00:42:21.622 It is eat, pray, then love! 757 00:42:22.665 --> 00:42:25.960 Oh my God. It's okay, we'll try again in a year and a half." 758 00:42:33.050 --> 00:42:34.927 My boyfriend is seven years older than me 759 00:42:35.010 --> 00:42:36.971 'cause I needed to get back on my dad for some stuff. 760 00:42:39.473 --> 00:42:41.183 Older guys are just better. 761 00:42:41.267 --> 00:42:43.978 They're just better, you never have to ask them to buy Pepto Bismol, 762 00:42:44.061 --> 00:42:45.729 - they just have it in the house. 763 00:42:46.355 --> 00:42:48.357 They pull it out after dinner like a nightcap, 764 00:42:48.440 --> 00:42:49.733 like, "You want some pink juice, baby girl?" 765 00:42:49.817 --> 00:42:51.277 You're like, "Yes, I would, cheers." 766 00:42:52.820 --> 00:42:55.239 Older guys don't call you things like "cute" or "hot." 767 00:42:55.322 --> 00:42:58.492 They call you things like "stunning, gorgeous," shit with syllables, 768 00:42:58.576 --> 00:43:02.329 things that would take a 20-something guy a little while to settle down. 769 00:43:03.747 --> 00:43:07.126 And older guys aren't like, cute or hot either. You know, they're handsome, 770 00:43:07.209 --> 00:43:10.838 distinguished, like old pictures of your grandpa you shouldn't look at too long. 771 00:43:16.260 --> 00:43:18.679 You ever find one of those in an old dusty box? 772 00:43:18.762 --> 00:43:20.431 You're like, "Who is that? 773 00:43:20.514 --> 00:43:23.309 - Oh, that's wrong. Okay." 774 00:43:23.392 --> 00:43:25.603 They're not your family in those pictures yet. 775 00:43:25.686 --> 00:43:28.022 They're just the past, it is a gray area. 776 00:43:30.149 --> 00:43:31.317 Oh, I'll get weirder. 777 00:43:31.400 --> 00:43:33.611 You ever see a picture of your parents when they were young and hot? 778 00:43:33.694 --> 00:43:35.154 And you get like weirdly mad 779 00:43:35.237 --> 00:43:38.324 'cause you know they would've never dated you? 780 00:43:39.783 --> 00:43:41.994 I saw a picture of my dad in college football once. 781 00:43:42.077 --> 00:43:43.078 I didn't talk to him for three weeks. 782 00:43:43.162 --> 00:43:46.707 I'm like, "You would've left me at a drive-in, you Danny Zuko piece of shit!" 783 00:43:50.252 --> 00:43:52.087 He's like, "What?" I'm like, "I can't hug you for a year 784 00:43:52.171 --> 00:43:53.547 and I don't want to talk about it." 785 00:43:56.258 --> 00:43:58.594 It's always awkward getting into a new relationship, though, 786 00:43:58.677 --> 00:44:00.679 especially right after you called off an engagement 787 00:44:00.763 --> 00:44:04.725 because you don't feel like you can say any cheesy romantic crap ever again. 788 00:44:04.808 --> 00:44:07.478 Even if you feel it, you just feel like you're a jinx. 789 00:44:07.561 --> 00:44:09.396 So when the next person is like, "I wanna be with you forever." 790 00:44:09.480 --> 00:44:12.149 You're like, "Oh, wouldn't that be something? 791 00:44:14.234 --> 00:44:16.820 I can't… I can't use the F-word anymore 792 00:44:16.904 --> 00:44:20.074 but I just need to build my credit back up but… 793 00:44:20.157 --> 00:44:23.452 - samesies, bro, for sure." 794 00:44:24.620 --> 00:44:25.913 New relationships are awkward 795 00:44:25.996 --> 00:44:28.248 'cause you gotta tell a whole new person what you like in bed 796 00:44:28.332 --> 00:44:29.625 and the only reason you know what you like in bed 797 00:44:29.708 --> 00:44:31.877 is 'cause someone else did it to you first. 798 00:44:31.960 --> 00:44:33.921 - But you can't say it like that, right? 799 00:44:34.004 --> 00:44:35.714 You gotta do that cute little tap dance of like, 800 00:44:35.798 --> 00:44:38.175 "Oh, babe, you know what would be so fun 801 00:44:38.258 --> 00:44:40.844 that's never even occurred to me before?" 802 00:44:40.928 --> 00:44:43.972 "You know what your body is inspiring me to do right now?" 803 00:44:44.056 --> 00:44:45.140 But in your head, you're just like, 804 00:44:45.224 --> 00:44:48.352 - "Do it like Craig. Could you just…" 805 00:44:48.435 --> 00:44:51.021 "Do it how Craig did it every time?" 806 00:44:51.105 --> 00:44:53.649 "Craig didn't do shit right, he did that right, let me tell you." 807 00:44:53.732 --> 00:44:55.275 "Can we just call him?" 808 00:44:55.359 --> 00:44:57.403 - "Can we just call him and ask?" 809 00:44:57.486 --> 00:44:59.947 "It's not a big deal, we're all adults here." 810 00:45:00.030 --> 00:45:02.241 "Remember we reset the Wi-Fi router last month?" 811 00:45:02.324 --> 00:45:05.869 "It's just like that, babe. He's just a voice on the phone with the password." 812 00:45:05.953 --> 00:45:07.996 - "That's all he is to me now." 813 00:45:10.332 --> 00:45:13.293 "No, I did block his number when you asked me to, of course I did." 814 00:45:13.377 --> 00:45:14.628 "But when you block a number, 815 00:45:14.711 --> 00:45:17.673 your phone kinda just saves it in a different folder." 816 00:45:19.425 --> 00:45:22.970 Oh, some of us are gonna fight in the car, not everybody knew that. 817 00:45:25.931 --> 00:45:27.850 You have to be able to talk about what you like in bed 818 00:45:27.933 --> 00:45:30.769 and you have to know what you can and can't say, 819 00:45:30.853 --> 00:45:34.440 alright? Like I've been telling guys for years I like it a little rougher in bed. 820 00:45:34.523 --> 00:45:35.691 I don't say it like that, I say like, 821 00:45:35.774 --> 00:45:38.819 - "Oh, I'm damaged," you know. 822 00:45:38.902 --> 00:45:40.404 If you're a straight guy, don't say that. 823 00:45:40.487 --> 00:45:42.156 If a straight dude's like, "I'm damaged," 824 00:45:42.239 --> 00:45:44.450 fucking run! That guy… 825 00:45:44.533 --> 00:45:46.994 that guy wants your toes in a baggy. So… 826 00:45:50.080 --> 00:45:52.541 Sometimes you think you like something and you don't. 827 00:45:52.624 --> 00:45:54.418 I thought I like dirty talk, turns out, 828 00:45:54.501 --> 00:45:58.005 I just like dirty phrases we agreed upon earlier. 829 00:45:59.214 --> 00:46:00.549 You ever tell someone you like dirty talk 830 00:46:00.632 --> 00:46:01.925 and then they hit you with something in bed 831 00:46:02.009 --> 00:46:05.012 and you're like, "Nah, that was not approved by corporate, no." 832 00:46:09.141 --> 00:46:12.311 I was having sex with a guy once, I was on top and he just went, 833 00:46:12.394 --> 00:46:14.521 "Look at you!" 834 00:46:42.758 --> 00:46:46.386 - Like I was taking my first steps. 835 00:46:47.095 --> 00:46:50.057 I'm like, "You better get the camcorder, daddy, 836 00:46:50.140 --> 00:46:52.059 'cause I am never getting up here again." 837 00:46:54.811 --> 00:46:57.189 My parents don't watch me do stand-up anymore, don't worry. 838 00:46:58.565 --> 00:46:59.733 Don't worry, they're not interested. 839 00:46:59.816 --> 00:47:01.568 No Christian parents want to watch their daughter 840 00:47:01.652 --> 00:47:04.530 talk about depression and dick for an hour. It's not fun for them. 841 00:47:07.491 --> 00:47:10.327 My parents don't have a dark sense of humor 842 00:47:10.410 --> 00:47:12.788 and I do, and I'm glad I do because 843 00:47:12.871 --> 00:47:15.082 if you can laugh at the darkest stuff that's ever happened to you 844 00:47:15.165 --> 00:47:18.335 while it's still actively happening to you, 845 00:47:18.418 --> 00:47:21.213 sometimes that's what gets you through it. For example, 846 00:47:21.296 --> 00:47:23.048 here's a joke they will not like. 847 00:47:25.092 --> 00:47:29.054 Did you guys know that sometimes when you call a suicide hotline 848 00:47:29.137 --> 00:47:32.349 and the call drops, they do not call you back? 849 00:47:34.309 --> 00:47:37.187 Yeah, you think that'd be the time for star 69 850 00:47:37.271 --> 00:47:39.189 but sometimes they just ring a bell in the cubicle, 851 00:47:39.273 --> 00:47:41.858 like, "Lost another one, that's lunch!" 852 00:47:43.819 --> 00:47:46.071 Some of you are tensing up like, "Did that really happen?" Yeah, 853 00:47:46.154 --> 00:47:49.199 a few years ago and it was fucking hilarious. 854 00:47:49.283 --> 00:47:51.410 I was on the floor of a DoubleTree Hotel, 855 00:47:51.493 --> 00:47:55.122 like, "Did this bitch just ghost me while I'm trying to ghost myself?" 856 00:47:55.205 --> 00:47:56.582 - "That is…" 857 00:47:56.665 --> 00:47:59.501 "I mean, I've been left on read, I've never been left for dead." 858 00:47:59.585 --> 00:48:00.877 "That's a new one." 859 00:48:00.961 --> 00:48:03.297 - "That is brutal." 860 00:48:03.380 --> 00:48:06.758 I wasn't even mad. For all I know, that's how they train those volunteers. 861 00:48:06.842 --> 00:48:08.510 Like, "Hey, some nights, 862 00:48:08.594 --> 00:48:11.888 - we get too many calls. 863 00:48:11.972 --> 00:48:14.683 Fridays are big for us, in those situations, 864 00:48:14.766 --> 00:48:16.935 you're just gonna have to use your best judgment, 865 00:48:17.019 --> 00:48:21.023 alright? Like I usually wait for like a privileged white girl name, 866 00:48:21.106 --> 00:48:23.567 like a Chelsea, a Kelsey, a Taylor. 867 00:48:23.650 --> 00:48:27.863 Those are the salmon I throw back and hope they swim upstream on their own." 868 00:48:31.742 --> 00:48:34.703 Even if I was mad, what am I gonna do, hop on Yelp? Like, 869 00:48:34.786 --> 00:48:37.039 "One star, totally killed myself. 870 00:48:41.251 --> 00:48:43.712 You're gonna wish I killed myself after this review." 871 00:48:45.213 --> 00:48:47.424 I did that joke in Texas a few weeks ago 872 00:48:47.507 --> 00:48:50.594 and there was a girl, white, my age in the crowd who goes, 873 00:48:50.677 --> 00:48:53.263 "And the wait times are ridiculous!" 874 00:48:58.268 --> 00:49:00.646 And she's right, okay? I think, 875 00:49:00.729 --> 00:49:02.981 personally, I think if you are a frequent caller, 876 00:49:03.065 --> 00:49:05.859 there should be some sort of rewards program. 877 00:49:05.942 --> 00:49:08.445 You know, like when you show loyalty to an airline. 878 00:49:08.528 --> 00:49:10.405 Like, you should be able to do that with suicide hotlines 879 00:49:10.489 --> 00:49:11.615 where you call in and they're like, 880 00:49:11.698 --> 00:49:13.450 "Please enter your rewards number." 881 00:49:13.533 --> 00:49:14.701 Boop, boop, boop. 882 00:49:14.785 --> 00:49:17.162 "Welcome back… Taylor. 883 00:49:24.961 --> 00:49:27.839 Thank you for your diamond medallion status. 884 00:49:27.923 --> 00:49:30.425 You are now third in line. 885 00:49:30.509 --> 00:49:34.596 Would you like to use an upgrade and kick someone else out? 886 00:49:43.480 --> 00:49:47.109 My parents are still very, very religious. 887 00:49:47.192 --> 00:49:48.193 My dad was so religious growing up, 888 00:49:48.276 --> 00:49:51.780 he used to insist on praying out loud in restaurants before we ate dinner, 889 00:49:51.863 --> 00:49:54.282 which is fine if you're into that but keep it short. 890 00:49:54.366 --> 00:49:55.450 - He wouldn't do that. 891 00:49:55.534 --> 00:49:59.162 He would do long, drawn-out prayers full of personal details 892 00:49:59.246 --> 00:50:01.248 that none of us signed off on at the table 893 00:50:01.331 --> 00:50:04.376 which made puberty pretty rough with your dad in public just like, 894 00:50:04.459 --> 00:50:07.212 "Thank you Lord for this food. Thank you for bringing us here together. 895 00:50:07.295 --> 00:50:09.548 Thank you that Taylor's a woman now 896 00:50:09.631 --> 00:50:12.134 and is getting the help she needs in math." I'm like, 897 00:50:12.217 --> 00:50:16.596 "Can you not tell this Chipotle that I'm bleeding and can't subtract? 898 00:50:19.975 --> 00:50:22.436 I think God knows." 899 00:50:22.519 --> 00:50:24.354 It's why I don't feel bad telling jokes 900 00:50:24.438 --> 00:50:26.565 about my parents on stage now 'cause anytime they're like, 901 00:50:26.648 --> 00:50:29.234 "Do you have to air our dirty laundry in front of strangers?" 902 00:50:29.317 --> 00:50:32.237 I'm like, "Hometown Buffet, 1998. 903 00:50:34.489 --> 00:50:36.616 You told everyone within a five-booth radius 904 00:50:36.700 --> 00:50:38.785 that I shat my pants the night before. 905 00:50:40.036 --> 00:50:43.039 - I can say whatever I want. 906 00:50:45.500 --> 00:50:47.002 I'm not religious anymore. 907 00:50:47.085 --> 00:50:51.214 I have had some friends find religion as adults recently which is very upsetting. 908 00:50:52.924 --> 00:50:56.720 If you grew up religious and you're not anymore and your adult friends 909 00:50:56.803 --> 00:51:00.307 find religion, it feels like God is your shitty ex-boyfriend 910 00:51:00.390 --> 00:51:02.768 who's now getting it together for your friend 911 00:51:02.851 --> 00:51:06.146 and you just have to watch it happen on Facebook. 912 00:51:06.229 --> 00:51:08.690 They're like, "Have you met God? He's amazing." 913 00:51:08.774 --> 00:51:12.444 I'm like, "Yeah, I grew up with God, he's a douchebag, alright? 914 00:51:12.527 --> 00:51:15.197 Did he tell you you were broken and you need him? 915 00:51:15.280 --> 00:51:17.991 - That's his move. That's what he does. 916 00:51:18.074 --> 00:51:20.118 He says that to everybody. 917 00:51:20.202 --> 00:51:22.954 Don't drink what he gives you. You drink that, the next thing you know, 918 00:51:23.038 --> 00:51:26.833 you're eating his body, the holy spirit's inside you, it's a whole system they have 919 00:51:26.917 --> 00:51:30.587 - over at that frat house they call church. 920 00:51:30.670 --> 00:51:33.757 - Who else uses Roman numerals?" 921 00:51:35.342 --> 00:51:38.261 That joke makes it sound like I resent my religious upbringing 922 00:51:38.345 --> 00:51:40.764 and I do, so I nailed it. But… 923 00:51:46.603 --> 00:51:50.273 No, honestly, if I had to come up with some stuff 924 00:51:50.357 --> 00:51:52.400 that was like positive about my growing up religious, 925 00:51:52.484 --> 00:51:55.612 I'm sure I could with enough time and money but… 926 00:51:56.947 --> 00:52:00.534 I do have some issues with it. It gave me some serious trust issues 927 00:52:00.617 --> 00:52:03.411 and it just made me weird, growing up in church, 928 00:52:03.495 --> 00:52:05.455 in ways that I am still discovering. 929 00:52:05.539 --> 00:52:08.375 For example, I just found out that I masturbate wrong. 930 00:52:09.626 --> 00:52:11.878 I will back up. Okay, so… 931 00:52:14.548 --> 00:52:16.341 When I was growing up in church, 932 00:52:16.424 --> 00:52:18.635 kids had youth group and at youth group, they were like, 933 00:52:18.718 --> 00:52:21.471 "Don't have sex." And we were like, "For sure, for sure." 934 00:52:21.555 --> 00:52:24.099 And then, they were like, "Don't even masturbate." 935 00:52:24.182 --> 00:52:27.394 And all the girls were like, "Okay, we didn't even know that we could." 936 00:52:27.477 --> 00:52:30.063 - And all the boys were like, "Why?" 937 00:52:30.146 --> 00:52:33.400 - And… 938 00:52:33.483 --> 00:52:36.027 the way they explained it to us was, 939 00:52:36.111 --> 00:52:37.487 our youth pastor told us, he goes, 940 00:52:37.571 --> 00:52:41.533 "It's not the physical act of masturbating that's the sin, you guys, alright? 941 00:52:41.616 --> 00:52:43.785 It's not even the orgasm. In fact, if you have a wet dream, 942 00:52:43.869 --> 00:52:46.454 thank God for the freebie and have an awesome day. 943 00:52:47.497 --> 00:52:50.959 But what are you thinking about while you're doing that to yourself, guys? 944 00:52:54.379 --> 00:52:56.423 That's what the sin is. 945 00:52:56.506 --> 00:52:58.592 It's the lust in your heart. 946 00:52:58.675 --> 00:53:01.344 It's the impure thoughts in your head. 947 00:53:01.428 --> 00:53:03.471 That is what the sin is." 948 00:53:03.555 --> 00:53:08.059 So when I got to be an adult and I wanted to masturbate, I was like, "Well, 949 00:53:08.852 --> 00:53:10.687 if I just don't think about anything, 950 00:53:16.234 --> 00:53:18.695 I could probably still go to heaven, right? 951 00:53:18.778 --> 00:53:22.616 Just like, clear your mind, get in there, get it done, 952 00:53:22.699 --> 00:53:25.243 - see you soon, Jesus, right? 953 00:53:25.327 --> 00:53:27.120 Touch nothing but the lamb." 954 00:53:35.879 --> 00:53:38.548 So I've been doing this my entire adult life. 955 00:53:38.632 --> 00:53:41.885 All my friends are like, "You gotta meditate." I'm like, "I think I do." 956 00:53:43.053 --> 00:53:45.096 And I do mean my entire adult life, 957 00:53:45.180 --> 00:53:47.515 by the way. I did not masturbate until I was a grown woman. 958 00:53:47.599 --> 00:53:50.352 I was that afraid of going to hell, alright? 959 00:53:50.435 --> 00:53:53.897 Yeah. I had my first orgasm with my college boyfriend. 960 00:53:53.980 --> 00:53:57.609 Do you know how embarrassing that is to get your first orgasm from another person? 961 00:53:57.692 --> 00:54:01.154 That's like having a realtor show you your own house. 962 00:54:03.615 --> 00:54:05.617 They're like, "And over here, we have a second bathroom." 963 00:54:05.700 --> 00:54:08.620 - You're like, "A second bathroom?" 964 00:54:08.703 --> 00:54:10.747 "You've been here for 19 years, 965 00:54:10.830 --> 00:54:12.457 you never went poking around on your own?" 966 00:54:12.540 --> 00:54:15.085 You're like, "I did once but I thought Jesus would get mad, 967 00:54:15.168 --> 00:54:17.629 - so yeah, I don't actually own this place, 968 00:54:17.712 --> 00:54:20.340 I'm just renting it from the guy upstairs, and… 969 00:54:20.423 --> 00:54:22.384 if I flood the basement, I do not 970 00:54:22.467 --> 00:54:24.761 get my security deposit back, so… 971 00:54:27.180 --> 00:54:29.224 Is there anything else I should see while you're here?" 972 00:54:29.307 --> 00:54:30.976 She's like, "Yeah, let me show you the doorbell." 973 00:54:31.059 --> 00:54:32.894 I'm like, "Oh, is the doorbell even important?" 974 00:54:32.978 --> 00:54:36.731 She's like, "The doorbell is the only thing that matters. 975 00:54:40.318 --> 00:54:43.738 Nobody comes inside without touching the doorbell." 976 00:54:49.035 --> 00:54:50.328 "Oh, but I did touch it." 977 00:54:50.412 --> 00:54:52.205 "You didn't use enough pressure, it didn't light up." 978 00:54:56.918 --> 00:54:59.087 So I've been masturbating like this my entire adult life 979 00:54:59.170 --> 00:55:01.214 and I recently mentioned it to a friend of mine 980 00:55:01.297 --> 00:55:04.009 and you ever say something out loud and realize you never should have ever? 981 00:55:05.385 --> 00:55:08.221 I said it so casually over brunch, didn't even think about it. I was like, 982 00:55:08.304 --> 00:55:10.432 "Oh yeah, I mean, I don't think about anything while I do that." 983 00:55:10.515 --> 00:55:13.393 And she was like, "What?" She put her fork down. "What? 984 00:55:15.562 --> 00:55:17.397 You don't think about anything?" And I was like, 985 00:55:17.480 --> 00:55:19.941 "Oh, no, I mean, I think some stuff, obviously. 986 00:55:20.025 --> 00:55:21.401 And she was like, "What do you think about?" 987 00:55:21.484 --> 00:55:25.989 And I was like, "Oh, you know, just like, 'almost there, making good time.' 988 00:55:29.242 --> 00:55:31.494 You know, just like road trip thoughts, like… 989 00:55:31.578 --> 00:55:34.706 'keep your hands steady, don't fall asleep. 990 00:55:34.789 --> 00:55:36.541 Can't wait to get there so I can eat. 991 00:55:37.917 --> 00:55:40.754 Better hurry up, Taco Bell's gonna close,' you know." 992 00:55:45.550 --> 00:55:47.343 And she was like, "That is so weird, Taylor, 993 00:55:47.427 --> 00:55:50.430 why don't you just watch porn like a normal person?" 994 00:55:50.513 --> 00:55:51.931 And I was like, "Ugh, I don't like porn." 995 00:55:52.015 --> 00:55:53.600 Every time I try to watch porn, I'm just like, 996 00:55:53.683 --> 00:55:55.393 "You gotta shave there, too? 997 00:55:55.477 --> 00:55:57.437 - I'm tired and I'm cold." 998 00:55:58.480 --> 00:56:01.149 And I'm not against porn, okay? I'm not one of these people that's like, 999 00:56:01.232 --> 00:56:03.401 "If you watch porn, it will ruin your relationship." 1000 00:56:03.485 --> 00:56:04.819 I don't feel that way, alright? 1001 00:56:04.903 --> 00:56:07.113 I dated a guy once who was really into massage porn 1002 00:56:07.197 --> 00:56:09.574 where the masseuse would like fuck their client at the end 1003 00:56:09.657 --> 00:56:11.409 which means sometimes when we had sex, 1004 00:56:11.493 --> 00:56:13.578 I get a massage! 1005 00:56:18.458 --> 00:56:22.587 That's an example of porn working for you! 1006 00:56:24.631 --> 00:56:27.634 But my friend was like horrified. She was like, "Taylor, 1007 00:56:27.717 --> 00:56:30.720 - this like monk masturbation thing you do, 1008 00:56:30.804 --> 00:56:33.389 it is so much creepier and weirder 1009 00:56:33.473 --> 00:56:37.102 than any porn I've ever seen and I've seen most of it." 1010 00:56:38.645 --> 00:56:41.898 And she goes, "There are so many different options porn-wise on the internet now, 1011 00:56:41.981 --> 00:56:46.194 you… just go home and Google 'porn for women' okay? 1012 00:56:46.277 --> 00:56:48.446 Just do it, I promise, 'porn for women.'" 1013 00:56:48.530 --> 00:56:51.157 And so I went home and I googled porn for women 1014 00:56:51.241 --> 00:56:53.034 so I wouldn't be weird at brunch. 1015 00:56:59.249 --> 00:57:02.085 And a lot of surprising things came up when I googled it. 1016 00:57:02.168 --> 00:57:04.170 First thing that came up when I googled porn for women 1017 00:57:04.254 --> 00:57:06.840 was a link to Disney Plus where all the Avengers movies are. 1018 00:57:06.923 --> 00:57:08.800 - Now… 1019 00:57:08.883 --> 00:57:12.512 For me, personally, they jump around too much. There's too many storylines. 1020 00:57:12.595 --> 00:57:15.431 You're almost there with Loki and now we're on Captain America? It's like, 1021 00:57:15.515 --> 00:57:16.391 I have to start over. 1022 00:57:16.474 --> 00:57:19.352 That's a different speed, a different pressure and now there's a raccoon? 1023 00:57:19.435 --> 00:57:22.021 - No. 1024 00:57:22.939 --> 00:57:26.109 The second thing that came up when I googled porn for women 1025 00:57:26.192 --> 00:57:28.653 was a website where real-life couples 1026 00:57:28.736 --> 00:57:31.030 are uploading amateur sex tapes. Yeah, 1027 00:57:31.114 --> 00:57:35.910 real-life couples are like, "Hey, we're so happy and in love, 1028 00:57:35.994 --> 00:57:39.998 we thought that we would film ourselves making love 1029 00:57:40.081 --> 00:57:43.918 and then put it online for you, a lonely person. 1030 00:57:44.002 --> 00:57:47.172 - Is it working? Are you wet?" 1031 00:57:47.255 --> 00:57:49.674 And you're like, "Not in the right place, no. 1032 00:57:51.009 --> 00:57:54.721 But congratulations, what you have seems really special." 1033 00:57:55.805 --> 00:57:58.224 The last thing that came up when I googled porn for women 1034 00:57:58.308 --> 00:58:01.394 I did not know existed, it's something called audio porn. 1035 00:58:01.478 --> 00:58:04.522 It's exactly what it sounds like. There's no visual aspect, it's all audio. 1036 00:58:04.606 --> 00:58:07.525 It's not really a porn star, it's more like a porn voice actor 1037 00:58:07.609 --> 00:58:09.903 talking you through a sexy situation. 1038 00:58:09.986 --> 00:58:13.281 It's like a podcast except don't listen while you're driving. 1039 00:58:15.492 --> 00:58:18.953 And because it's "for women," that just means there's a story, right? 1040 00:58:19.037 --> 00:58:22.332 - Anyone can watch, they don't check. 1041 00:58:22.415 --> 00:58:23.750 They don't just hop on the mic like, 1042 00:58:23.833 --> 00:58:26.461 "Now it's out, bitch!" Like they 1043 00:58:26.544 --> 00:58:28.046 ease you into it. 1044 00:58:28.755 --> 00:58:33.176 And so the one I found is 20 minutes long. 1045 00:58:33.259 --> 00:58:35.720 I will send it to you if you DM me. 1046 00:58:37.847 --> 00:58:40.642 And the first 12 minutes, 1047 00:58:40.725 --> 00:58:46.439 the story, is just a man calming you down 1048 00:58:48.650 --> 00:58:52.070 after you've been in a car wreck. 1049 00:58:59.369 --> 00:59:01.538 That is the foreplay. 1050 00:59:03.790 --> 00:59:07.335 And you guys, I came so hard. I… 1051 00:59:09.837 --> 00:59:11.381 I mean, 1052 00:59:12.382 --> 00:59:14.425 I didn't even make it to the sex part. 1053 00:59:14.509 --> 00:59:16.010 It was the comfort alone. 1054 00:59:16.094 --> 00:59:19.222 He's like, "It's okay, take some deep breaths, don't worry." 1055 00:59:19.305 --> 00:59:22.559 "The insurance companies will figure it out." 1056 00:59:22.642 --> 00:59:23.977 I'm like, "Oh my God, that's right!" 1057 00:59:24.060 --> 00:59:26.521 "That's why we have insurance!" 1058 00:59:26.604 --> 00:59:29.983 By the time he was like, "What else can I do? Should I go down on you?" 1059 00:59:30.066 --> 00:59:33.528 I was like, "Nah, man, I got Allstate, I'm in good hands." 1060 00:59:35.363 --> 00:59:38.032 Thank you so much, Boston, you were absolutely amazing. 1061 00:59:38.116 --> 00:59:40.326 - Thank you so much. 1062 00:59:41.035 --> 00:59:44.163 I can't tell you, I really appreciate you. Thank you. 1063 00:59:47.000 --> 00:59:49.752 You guys were amazing. Thank you so much, seriously.